The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #549 - Felipe Esparza

Episode Date: January 11, 2018

Felipe Esparza, comedian, co-host of the "What's Up Fool?" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.   Check out Felipe's in New York at the Playstation Theatre this Saturday at 8pm - https://goo.gl/6zbKFU   This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first three meals for free (a $30 value) and free shipping!   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 01/10/2018.
  

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Oh shit. You want blood motherfuckers? You got it. You get nothing for nothing. If you want to play Oh shit There you go, motherfuckers It's Wednesday

There you go The church of what's happening now My brothers are in the house Felipe Spazza with his vegan glasses And my man fucking The Christ killer and shit What's up? Oh, what's up?

Happy New Year, man Happy New Year. The U. Rodrigo's also in the house He's over there, man. He's sitting there thinking about the riverside floods of 66. That's what happens when you do one of those mushroom stars and fucking... We do mushroom-coated stars here at the church of what's happened. Now, you're a little tingling your spine.

Happy New Year, my father. Great to see you. Let's see you, too, I want to congratulate you on the HBO special. You created waves. It's made a different you. It's a different animal. And your eyes are also red as fuck. I love it.

You know who Felipe looks like right now? You ever see that old picture, Zeppelin, with Robert Plant all fucked up with his eyes all red? That's what you look like right now. You're like a Mexican Robert fucking plant. Robert Planta. What's going on with you, Rodrigo? You're holding on to that bong? Like, it's the last bong in the world.

The Koreans are about to fire a missile. Look at you. His face looks like my face in the painting. You're like, fuck it. This bong will block the missile. I'll leave it right here. It's a beautiful day to be fucking alive, man. What's going on, buddy?

Good, man. I'm feeling good. Good, bro. Pretty, I think I ate one star. That's all you need. And I hit a bunch of bong ribs, and I saw Lee Sye almost choked to death. Oh, my God, that was his first bond. We were like, is he drowning?

I've had bronchitis for like two weeks, and for the entire two weeks, Joy's been like, you got to smoke, you got to smoke. Every other doctor, every commercial you see says, don't smoke when you have a cold. I took one bong hit and everything in my lung came up. That's it. Bong hit's cleaned out your fucking lungs. It's well-known fact.

I mean, I don't know what the, but when you fucking cough, it's good for your lungs. When you cough like that and get all that billy goat fucking milk out and gastric juices and whatever the fuck is in there. Starve, a flu, choke a cough.

I'm no doctor, but I've had the flu, what, 20,000 fucking times and I've smoked through all of them. And it even cut, in your mind it cuts through the flu. because you're telling your fucking mind, I don't give a fuck. Bring it on, bitch.

But that backfires from time to time. One time in like 2008, I got a bronchitis for like eight weeks. I couldn't swim. They couldn't do shit, so don't listen to me. Anyway. What is bronchitis? I don't know. It's like an infection in the lungs or not,

maybe it's just liquid in the lungs. I don't know. But I've got it. I've had it ever since I smoked hash with Joey. You know, I had that thing in my lungs when I was in high school, so I've always had a lung problem. you know and I got out of the hospital and they were like you know what don't be around smoke don't smoke I got out of the hospital one in the afternoon and by four I was doing bonkins

and by eight I was doing a hit of fucking acid I was fucking 16 what are you gonna tell us that's funny what are you gonna tell fucking 16 year old people thought I had a lung problem just because my voice even when I was a kid because I had the same voice I do now when I was 10 they go damn that homie man he must smoke a lot of cigarettes you never had a Michael Jackson voice no man I My friend was made fun of me like this. They go, hey, leave there. So your voice always sounded fucked up. It's always talking like this, man.

Sometimes when I talk, people say, bro, where you from, man? The East Coast now, bro. East L.A. You know, it's funny. Before we started the podcast, that's all we were late. We were just talking about. He was in Boulder last weekend.

And he asked me if I would ever consider going back to Boulder. And it's funny because Boulder, when I played Denver, it scares the shit out of me to have to think to go into a car and go to Boulder. Like, it just, because God knows. You know, when Rogan first went to Boldie,

he called me like two days after he landed. He goes, you know, all your stories came into perspective because this place is like a fucking candy store for a guy like you. Yeah, it is. And you know what? It's disgusting. You can push doors down, though. And low life is the sounds.

I mean, that's why I don't go back because I'm disgusted with myself for the shit I did in Boulder. because if I did that shit in New York, it wouldn't matter. If I did that shit in Jersey or in L.A. wouldn't matter. They're fucking dirty communities, whatever the fuck we are, you know. But the shit I didn't boulder, bro, they didn't deserve that. That's just they didn't deserve that at all, you know. And it's like I told you.

The first time I went to Boulder, I didn't like it. It was too many hippies for me. But think about that. I'd said that to you just to let you know how much it changed. Like the first time I stepped foot in Boulder was a... Like maybe September of 83, I went down there for a weekend, and I fucking hated it. I fucking hate it. Like, I wasn't used to to.

I had never known what tofu was. I never knew. I was right out of New York City. I had no idea what half that food was, and I had zero appreciation for it. Like, zero. I was too young the first time I went to Boulder. Then I went back to Boulder two years later, and I went on the U district. I went into the hill.

Yeah. And that's when I was like, wow, I'm staying. and this motherfucker. It was clean. There was hippies, but not too many hippies. You know, what I called hippies. They were like homeless young kids. And at that age, I was robbing for a living.

I wasn't fucking asking for no fucking handouts. So that's why I got so frustrated. Because I'm like, look at these young kids asking for handouts with a dog and a chick. What are they fucking crazy? But I hung out. In the beginning, Felipe, like my first friend was a guy that believed in Satan.

I was a Satan guy. His name is like Aral or something Bad Oral And that's who I bought weed from Like the first thing Good shit? Huh? Good weed?

I met him on the Boulder Walk Like when I first moved to Boulder I knew nobody And we're seeing at the Boldorra Bodorado Bodoradoado Bodo. First time I walked into Boulder I didn't know anybody

I mean not a salt I went to my house I put my clothes in I went to the bodega Whatever fucking The bodega in those days was alfalfus, which is Whole Foods in Boulder. I went to alfalfa's groceries with $60.

I was like, what the fuck is this? You know, I just bought, this is $20 back in New York, but that was alfalfa's. I didn't know what the fuck this was. Everything was, you know, organic meat and shit. I was going to say that doesn't sound like a bodega. No, I didn't know what it was, man. And then I was buying shit with kale.

I fucking started walking around. And I was like, this was a perfect place for me to be. He had 22. I joined the gym. You were 22? What made you go to Boulder? I was 21. Warrants.

Okay. Police. People I owed money to. Boulder, Colorado, basically Hawaii on land. Yes. The way the people are. Yes. And I said that, that before we started the podcast,

Boulder gets as much sunshine yearly as much as Hawaii. Like, it's a fucking beautiful place. It really is. It's a, and it attracts a weird people. And like I said, I got, probably getting weed there 30 years ago that would have killed a fucking animal. the shit I was getting grown up in that high altitude. I was getting some good,

and I was getting better weed than Aspen. But like I was telling you, man, it was just from 85 in Boulder to 88 to 9th, no, I'm lying to you. For 10 years, I created havoc in that fucking town. Like, havoc. Habic. Internal havoc.

If it was missing, I had something to do it. I'm not proud of that. I'm not very proud of that at all. But that's who I was back then. Fucking crazy. But it's something, you know, like, you just have a lack for it, you know, like, because if you're a gangster like in New York, you know, Detroit, you go to a small town like that, like Joe Rogan say where everybody's there is super, super cool.

They're not looking for that. No. You're not looking for that, man. You could walk in there, man, and you test them out, you know, at the gas station by taking 20 power bars at once. So, like, I can't even, like, imagine a world without cameras. I think there's always been cameras when I've gone to stores. So, like, what kind of security was there? Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. My first one person watching the whole store. I'll never forget going to the mall. I was telling Felipe that I had gotten a law settlement from my shoulder, and I put money away, and I made a promise to start a new life. How'd you mess up your shoulder? I messed it up lifting

but the night before I did the scam I fell against the floor I was with Cy Lawrence the fucking Jew that used to do the fake You actually fuck your shoulder up for it? You have to go to the hospital with something you just can't walk in the hospital and go my shoulder hurts

so we went up against the wall and scraped it a little bit and I banged it a lot I banged it to knock it out of the fucking joint Oh my God Givesen eat the weapon And I fucking went in there and then they had a cahoots with the attorney

and the attorney fucking hooks you up with the doctors and the doctors are running it. Sounds like Armenians in Glendale. Oh my God, and then they all go in on the small fucking 10% and everybody's happy. They don't give a fuck. And everybody compliments everybody. I talk to you.

I'm the X-ray guy. You're the fucking, it's like a scam. It blew my mind. And I took the, and I forgot all about it because in the process, I robbed the chiropractic. So in the process. I went to a solvador. So in the process of fucking,

it was the night that Boom Mancini killed Dukeam Kim in the cell. That was the night, the same thing. I remember being at the car practice office and watching this fight, and nobody was even on the phones. You know, nobody, the nurses that were supposed to be answering the phones,

they were watching the fight on the Saturday afternoon, and there was a fucking envelope and I took it three days later, they arrested me. So I thought the case had gone sour. I thought the case with my shoulder had gone sour.

I got a call one day that the attorney had my check in this fucking desk And I went down there I picked up the check on Friday and I was on a plane on Sunday guys That's how quick And I was on the plane I was headed to Colorado Springs But I ended up in fucking Boulder because some black dude talked me into going to bold man you don't want to go to Colorado Springs man That's an arm of town you want to go to bold That's what the boulder man with a boulder with a boulder so I went to boulder and prostitutes over there No I I you know that's not my bag so

It wasn't my bag at all. When you were there, I remember with any other people doing the same thing you were doing or you were the only one? To my knowledge, I hanged by myself. And then I met, then the blessing of my life,

this guy, like I said, this guy, no, way before the wolf. Way before the wolf? I met this guy named Fred. Ed, Ed, Ed. I met him through Ra. Ra was the devil guy that sold weed,

and he'd have a bunch of young girls hanging out with him and shit. And fucking, you know, one day he introduced me to Ed. And Ed, me, and Ra got weed from the same hippie lady up on the hill. She was, Eugenia. She was like 50, and her boyfriend was like 20. He was a rich little nerd. His father invented like glue.

And they were both transfund kids, and they would hate society. Like, fuck this and fuck that. But you're trust funders. What do you got to hate? You know what I'm saying? All they did all day was smoke dope and sit there. They didn't have a job. do nothing. About five, she would send

him to the store to get like a bottle and they would get drunk and that's all they did. But I met this dude named Ed and I hung out with Ed for a few weeks until I knew what Ed was. Ed told me he was in the army. So about two weeks go by and me and Ed go on the hill

and there's this place called Stellas and they used to have a, this was way before Boston Market guys. They used to have the spit chicken. Rotissory chicken. Rotisserie chicken and everybody went there for chicken. Like you had a way to line there for the chickens. I would go in the afternoons. And me and Ed Godeh one day, bro, when we get there's a bunch of cops outside and they

have a barricade and there's a dude on top of the Fox Theater and he's saying that he's going to jump. I'll never forget this, bro. And Ed's like, jump, motherfucker. And that's the day I fell in love him. The cops kept saying, bro, please, you're just going to make the situation worse. He goes, I don't have time for this. He's yelling at the guy, jump, jump, jump, and then I became friends with Ed. That was it. And then I got into trouble. The cops were looking for me. I went to San Francisco, and then I came back two years later. And that's when I started my destruction, but I re-hooked up with Ed. And I still didn't know what Ed did.

Ed got checks. He said he used to go to the VA, that he heard noises. I knew he went to Vietnam, but I always thought he was a medic. And I always stayed friends with Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed. And one day I was up by Chautauqua Park, where you were performing by the Boldorado up there. Yeah. And I saw Ed walking. And I go, Ed, what are you doing?

He goes, this is where I live. He goes, you want to come over and roll a joint? And when I went in his house, guys, it was an apartment, maybe the size of this in a basement, up by Chautauqua. And it was just fucking metals, pictures of him with six guys, with 20 bodies dead with him with like, you know how they put the flag on the mountain?

Yeah. With like a flag on a bunch of Chinese bodies, Vietnamese bodies. Dog, this guy was fucking crazy. And I go, I thought you were a medicate. And he goes, no. He told me. with something else, a lurp or a larp or one of those things. And they go in after the Green Beret and make sure everything's dead.

Like every rat, every mouse, they burn the village down. They're the ones that used to throw the cards, those dudes, that would throw the cards in the dead bodies. And dog, that's when I found the fucking ally. But I had like three guys like that around me that lived in the hills of Colorado there that you didn't know. They were just walking around. These guys were killers, bro.

Bold is a weird place. Big drugs. You hit the nail on the head there. You got a kilo blow there. You get rid of it in two hours. Two hours. Those college kids are filthy fucking rich. And they get money to fucking spend on drugs, bro.

Steroids go fast there. It was amazing. It was an education for me. It taught me a different level of survival. Like when I was doing in New York didn't work in Colorado. I had to switch it up to make it. work and I'm ashamed of that till today I'm very ashamed to that what are you going to do have you heard how it's changed man oh I know I

talked to people from Boulder once a week I did I remember I did a show and I'm Aspen was David Brenner David Brenner picked up like some comedians that he thought were funny so he picked me this Asian comedian Kevin Shea and Miguel what's his name Miguel from Miguel Washington from Houston I never been to Aspen, you know, and I was, like, surprised to work with a legend. But after the show, bro, I went to this bar, and I started drinking. I was when I messed up. I started drinking.

And right away, bro, like, I just turned to the right. Like, you know, like, you know, I was drunk, bro. And when I get drunk, I feel like I'm going to find Coke fast, like with magical powers. So I said, I told myself, when I turned to the right, this guy right here is going to have Coke. And I turned around, and there was a Mexican dude, like some cook. who just came out of work. And I started talking to him in Spanish, and that food had a whole bag, bro, of Coke.

And I took that food to my apartment, well, to my hotel room. And for a long time, we were partying, bro, right? We were fucking partying. And I had a nice room, bro. Like, a real nice room. Like, it was like a nice room. It was a cabin, basically.

Like, I could walk down and open a refrigerator and take stuff out if I wanted. Well, I can't do that, but I did. I went downstairs and I was taking wine bottles out. Anyways, my long story short, this guy, man, he thought that Kevin Shea and his girlfriend were going to come back and party. He thought they were going to be a chick there, bro. So then I told him there ain't no chick, right?

So then this fool thought that, I don't know, man, but he were looking at me, bro, like with maybe you could be the chick, eh? Oh, no. But it got weird, bro. And then I say, but then again, bro, I didn't want that food to leave, bro, because I had no more Coke

and I was leaving the next day in the morning. I was just going to ask, is it weird to party with just a guy? Hell no, bro. You know, bro? Sometimes you got to death with the devil, bro. So, you know what I did, bro? I took out $100 and I cut it in half,

and I gave it to him, bro. If you stay here another hour, bro, I'll give you the other half. But it was good coke and aspirin, by the way. That was fair. I was Pat Buck was, bro. That was a very crazy time, too, man. That was, I walked into Aspen a kid, Felipe.

I walked him to Aspen, a 19-year-old kid. How was it? You had a bunch of warrants or you have friends? No, at that time, I just didn't want a living job. Like, I knew. Just new lifestyle? Yeah, I just wanted to do something different. And at that time, I had friends in Aspen.

They weren't, like, people, good friends, but they were acquaintances from North Bergen. And there were one strong family. There was one family that was well known. It was two of those boys. And it was weird because I didn't get along with one of the other brothers. But I got along with two of the brothers.

One of the brothers, that was my brother now, that was dead. And the other guy lives in San Diego. He don't talk to me. But I went out there with them and a guy named Duffy. And there was four dudes who lived in the house. And the other guy was a karate expert from California.

He was the garbage man. and he was really a garbage man in real life. And half the guys that came out from Jersey were all garbage men. When I got there, I couldn't be a garbage man because karate man had come back to California for something. So I lived in his room. It was just a fucked up summer that summer. You sold cars there or what?

No. The first couple months, I did construction outside, like asphalt and, like, just regular construction. Rodrigo did a video with you, man. your boys, he goes, Boehler, it's where I began. Yeah, no, no, no, no, it's where it all began. No, no, no, but I wasn't, I wasn't

asking that. I wasn't asking that. I was digging, I was digging, dredge. You were thinking of trench? You were thinking of a job every Friday and I knew when on Monday. You know, I used to go through that. Like, my dad hooked me up to a cool job, but a cool job for him, but I worked 12 hours a day. So then I started to count in the hours,

I said, man, in a week. It's going to feel like I work two weeks. So, Payday care, bro, disappeared, bro. Yeah, that's it. And I took a lot of shit. It was like a produce factory, bro. I was working joy from,

man, Lee, you don't understand when you get a chick pregnant in high school. Oh, no. The world comes down on you, bro. When you get what?

When you get a girl pregnant in high school, the world comes down on you, bro. Everybody wants you to make changes. So my dad got me a job and on Anderson Street right there in downtown LA

where all the proto factories are at. And I was loading and unloading produce. inside trucks from 11 o'clock at night. No, from midnight to 11.30 in the morning. And nothing but Paisas, bro. How much were you making? Do you remember? Bro.

Nothing or money? It was a little bit above the minimum wage. Minutum wage was $3.35. I was getting $4.70. How fucking scary is that? You're right. We never talked about that. Knocking somebody up

in fucking. High school, bro. I don't want to knock anybody on now. How old is this child now? This fool is like, I'll say he's in his 20s, bro. Like 20. He's March on Ritzold's age, 27, 28? You talk to him?

Man, we have, um, nah. It's a good thing. I send him presents every Christmas. He don't call him back? No, he don't call back. We met each other like in, um, but after last. That's coming standing. Okay, so you knock her up in high school.

Where'd she go? Did you move in with her and try to make it work? No, we moved in together, and we were living together in the housing projects. In high school? No, she was out of high school. She was still in high school, I was out of high school now. We got pregnant while we were both in high school. But she had the baby while she was in high school.

And I was like, I was going to repeat 12th grade, but I didn't want to go back to school. So you quit. I quit. Like I did. We quit. that man I don't want to go back what graduate at 20 fuck that I'm fucking 19 already

in high school it's bad enough yeah so man I remember like she still has to finish high school right her mom said you know she's pregnant and she's underage she's 17

and she went to a school you know where nothing but loser chicks go to like like if you're a chick who got who got pregnant. I'm sorry, I'm going to say a loser,

but most of these girls were pregnant, like 13 year old, 12 year olds, 14 year old girl, pregnant. This was like a pregnant high school, bro.

That's terrible. And every time I went through to pick her, and then like, I would go pick her up all the time and stolen cars or, or cars didn't belong to me. How do you get those? Well,

in my neighborhood, like a person that went by a crack will come, you know, with no money. He has no money. Right. So he has a car?

Yeah. So we'll give him like $40 worth of crack to borrow his car for like four hours. And then we would go to the beach and some of my friend would do the, use the same car, do a commit a crime, you know. How long did you stay with this girl, my brother? Oh, man. I stood with her from while from the moment she got pregnant to my, to my, Wow. Two years?

Because we had the first kid and I was like in 1987, 88, 89. I don't remember, 90. And right away, we had another one right away, like a year and a half later. We had another kid, a girl. And earthquake came through, bro, and shattered the projects. Actually, I made the project look the same, but it was like a big old earthquake. and everybody would live in basically in the streets in the housing projects like

everybody was just scared to sleep inside the project dude if you would have if you look if you would have came to my neighborhood when the when I don't know I don't know for the Northwood earthquake or the widder narrow earthquake but it was like a big earthquake our house our neighborhood looked like like like a third word country bro

like city of God it was just blankets and tents all over the neighborhood because nobody wanted to go inside and get crushed by a fucking building. That's terrifying, especially with two kids. So her mom dies, and then I found out that she's cheated on me for a year and a half with a different guy. Like, cheating on me, you know, like really fucking cheating on me. That's not nice.

I know, man. So I'm crushed, bro, you know. you know and then what do you do man you know you beat her ass now you know you think about it bro at the same time bro that this is happening you know um i see one of my friends get shot and killed at the same time and i have to go be a uh a fucking um i have to go there no man i was trying to get away from all that stuff you know but but they all of us got picked up and we have to go testify and a murder. Jesus.

And I remember I didn't want to go, man, because you know, they didn't want to get involved. Right. But I remember, like, I had to sit there and watch because what happened was, we were all in the same, this park, bro. And we were all hanging out.

And then these guys started chasing us. And I ran the opposite way. That's what I would do. And then, um, at the same time that we were running from these guys were running from the guys. another our friend was coming at us he didn't know what was going on so we passed them

and that food takes off bro so that food gets killed right there your friend yeah how old was he 14 and how you were 14 too no I was like 19 oh jeez I was 18 19 yeah you know I was a loser bro

what the fuck I was hanging out with 14 year olds bro so you know but he was your friend and um we were hanging out the park these kids were ditching to school I was just the old school hanging out, bro. And we have to go to court, man. But this was the craziest shit ever, bro.

Like, I'm doing the show in Ontario Improv. And this woman comes up to me, like, laughing, drunk as hell, having a good time. She grabbed my hand like this. He goes, my brother, he goes, you look familiar. My brother, he's in prison, right? Okay. And then this Asian chick gives me her card, bro. So the guy that, I suppose, who killed my friend, he's trying to come out of prison now.

Motherfucker. And I'm not fucking parole. I didn't know all this, bro, but it all just came to me right now when we're talking about this, right? I'm like, fuck, hey. How long ago was the Ontario incident? When did the-oh, that was like now, five years ago? So the guy that killed your friend did like 20 years? He's up to 25?

The mistakes we could have made, Felipe. This couldn't end up like this, you know? I know, man. Every day you got to give thanks to somebody. I know, I thank God about that because when I think about it sometimes, you know, we were all together and then I decided, you know, for some, you know, people say that, you know, somebody looking up for me. My mom was probably praying, bro, you know, at the same time or my grandmother.

Lucia Soto was her big old fucking medallion, you know, and her big tubes. She didn't have the fucking big old earrings. I said, Joey, you know, I said, you know what? Hey, man, I'm going to cross the bridge and I'm going to see, if I see those guys

coming over here, I'll let you guys know. The thing is fucking warming in death this bomb. Oh my God. I had to take it from it. Rodriguez was all they're making love to it. He looks like he looks like he's doing his Robert De Niro, the impression. Oh, my God. Poor, poor, poor, fucking Rodrigic.

That's Danny a yellow, bro. Oh, my God. You know, Felipe. It's crazy, though, man. I decided to go over the bridge. So when I crossed the Halamac Park Bridge to go to the other side, as soon as I turned around, that's when everybody was running and getting shot up.

Jesus. And I remember my friend Ruben, I never forget them Man, I've picked that fool up, bro, and carried him. Crazy, man. Was it, like, a moment that, like, made you think about changing some things, or?

Fuck, no, bro. Fuck, no, bro. You feel invincible after that, bro, I mean, I lived. It's fucked up because the guy who got killed had a, his brother was, they're twins, dog. They're twins, so.

That's fucked up. When we're all getting fucked up, you know, you know, being sad because he passed away. I remember I kept looking at him, looking himself in a mirror and getting sadder. Especially for twins,

that's supposed to be like a special thing. Yeah, man. And it's funny because I saw Sarah Superman's show on, I think it's Netflix. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she has Father Gray Boyle. And when I saw,

in one of the books, talks about that murder. But I'm just thankful, man. that Father Greg Boyle and I see on that show and I'm thankful you call me every week and check up, see what's up. Do you want to explain what that is? Because I'd seen the salsa, but I had no idea who Father Greg Boyle was. Do you want to explain who he is?

Oh, Father Greg Boyle, man, he's a Jesuit priest, a Catholic from my church, the Lord Mission. And he started a program called Homeboy Industry. and they help ex-cons and people who are in gangs find decent jobs

and they help them skills and they have tattoo removal and they don't just take meskin gangs there's too man there's a lot of

neo-Nazi lowriders bro with neo-nazi tattoos like swastikas on their neck and they get them removed there for free and I've been donating to them since like one last coming standing I had You were part of the

Were you part of the group Yeah What happened was One time man I was Like me I love Terminator man Terminator

Terminator 1 Terminator 2 Oh yeah I'll be mad So I'm in I used to drink a lot I used to drink those little Those

You remember the little I don't know You remember the little Wine Coolers But they're not wine coolers They had like Ice Long Island Ice tea

Some of them would pine. The pre-made? Yeah. Horrible. I saw you drinking those things. Fucking terrible. Pre-made cocktails. That's what I picked you up in the afternoon.

And I gave you $200 to hang out for me for an hour. Oh, my God. He used to drink the... Those things give you heartburn from the fucking jump. Like, whatever the mixer is in there. Yeah. I used to drink those things in deep situations, like late night, when it didn't matter no more.

But to start the day, that's a complete... Remember they even had the pre-made bloody marries? Yes. The whole thing? Pre-made, pre-made muscle ice. Bro, I know motherfuckers who used to drink those and throw two lemons or a lime in them and a piece of celery and tip-top, McGoo doggie. They even put more vark in it.

I would be coked out, right? Like that, when you saw me that time, I saw myself. You know what, man, leave my fruits. Give me two pia colatas and some ice. And I put it all instead of a coke cup. Oh, shit. Do you ever think of that? And Felipe, you and I both know that we hate those type of people that, you know,

oh, no, because I did this and I did that. Bro, I was a loser. And it's such a fun thing to tell people that you were a loser instead of telling people all these grandiose, stupid stories that you really weren't. But it's amazing. Like, I'm not going to tell you, I got shot at all the time. I'm so fortunate that. That's bullshit.

But there's a part of me that's really. fortunate. Just even doing the drugs and the places you had to go to to get drugs and the people you bought, like you used to bring people home. I would never bring nobody home. You want to sell it to me or not? Either or I got cash. The last person I wanted to bring to my house was a fucking man. You know what I'm saying? And some women are just fucking, you got to watch them too because they'll rob you quicker than a fucking dude, you know. It's just such a different lifestyle. Like this year I woke up, I went to bed at 10 o'clock on New Year's and the next one I woke up Philippine for an hour I sat at that desk watching my wife and baby sleep thinking what the fuck that I used to do on New Year's Eve

I used to be right in the heart of it you know like right in the heart of it you always in the heart of it you know how fucking lucky how fucking lucky Felipe we could have died doing coke we could have died smoking crack you know it's got to be something you have to give back at one point you have to go there has to be somebody who watched over me i just cannot be this lucky you know i'm saying like just to stop snort and coke you knew the animal i was filippe you know the animal i was and i get so many emails from people and now that we have the church page people at you all the time man they're trying to get clean and i try to tell you know it's easy it's easier than what it seems man you know like it really is it's just this little bump and you know you know it's just this little bump

don't see yourself ever being clean, ever having a normal life like people, because we feel it. You and I have never felt like we've been normal. We've always been the outsiders. I mean, you know, you won last comic standing, and they had to sell you a special to HBO because Netflix didn't want them. Really? You ever look at Netflix, what they got, and they didn't want you? You and I have always been like the dirty dogs of comedy. Like, they always took us last. You know what I'm saying? So everything, it's like I was telling me or somebody the other day, the longest yard was on. It was one of those days I was home,

and my wife was home, and I watched it for like three minutes. And my wife said something to me. She goes, how did you feel while you were shooting that? I go, you know how I found to be honest? I made my fucking point. I made my point. I tried to tell you, motherfuckers,

but you don't want to listen to me. You wanted to talk about the other guy. Here I am. And I told Lee this on the podcast the other day. I was okay until I booked the longest yard. Then they started really hating me. That's when they had to kiss the Indian. Yeah.

Once you kiss, Once I booked the longest yard, they really started hate me. Like, they didn't hate me enough. Now they really started hating me. Because now I spit in their fucking face. So you and I have always been those guys. You know what I'm saying? Like, for you to pull off last comic standing, that was 22 ass fuckings.

Nobody picked you. They had their fucking favorites and shit and who they wanted and who was witty. But sometimes it don't work like that for guys like us. Sometimes the street has your back. Sometimes the street has your back. It really does. They do, man. It really fucking does.

They remember something you did when you help somebody. Because I did so many shitty things. I started by selling it 20 years ago. You were going to get people like that? Yeah. Those are the people that you were like, wonder, wow, you were there, bro. There's some guy that I came to my show in San Jose. I saw you at the Modesto was Joey Coco.

What about the fucking guy that just showed up to Sacramento? Louis Blan, right? Louis Blan, the old football coach. How many gigs did he give us back in the day? the early fucking 2000s that got when we needed every dime of that like every fucking dime was necessary

like you had to go home with every fucking dime because it was cash the bills wouldn't get paid yeah man so if you're looking to fucking change your life people at home they were pay of cash and then I'll hit home where y'all want to go to

strip bars fucking you want to go after hours then Joe's goes no man take us 7-11 and take us home take us home to take us home. That hasn't changed. You want to take us to a party of rob us? I know the fucking deal.

You're going to call your fucking homies and tell them that we're here with cash in our pockets. Because I remember motherfuckers are 800 in their pocket. They were going down. I was getting 200 of that one way or another before they left this house. One way or another, I was either going to fucking rob them or sell them Coke and take 200. But somewhere or another, I was getting 200 of that cash in my pocket. Hell yeah, bro. Even if it was just a taste.

Something you're going to get paid before him, murder of Martinez. She's going to go get carbol. We used to eat, Felipe. Those fucking Mexican gigs, those Texan gigs. Like, I don't even know. Like, somebody just hit me up and asked me if I wanted to go to McLaren. And I told him, McCallin. McAllen.

I said, do you hit me up too late, man? I already got the plane ticket. It's four hours from Austin, right? I would have gone down there. I would have flown into McCallon first because I haven't been down in a while. Just to get two of those tacos would fucking make me help. They have good food there. They got good food down there.

But how long have you been doing comedy for that? I'll say 20 years, 21. 21. Yeah, 96, my first TV credit. What, we were in 2007? 22 now. So when was the first time you got on stage, little brother? Oh, man, I got up on stage at the Natural Fudge

and on Fountain Avenue. And Alanza Bowdoin was there. Brian Holtzman was there. Jamie Kennedy. and the Mooney twins and Cynthia Levine Levin and um that was like that was 1995 94 late 94 and I would I didn't know I was going up every week like bro I came on a rehab they want to be a comedian but I don't know how like no computers there was no social media so I went to the Los Angeles Public Library and I have a librarian

and can you help me out here, man? I'm trying to find books on comedy writing. So I would just sit there, bro, reading these damn books, Steve Allen, Gene Perrette. Keene Perrette. You know what's up. Fuck yeah. You know, people don't know, bro. Judy Carter.

Gene Perrette would break it down and levels. Gene Perret would break it down levels for you. You were running for a tonight show. I had the workshop. And for Bob Hope. Yeah. Bob Hope, you know what's up. Come on, Doug.

He will go on the road with Bob Hope. I read all of Jean Perrette's books when I started. The work shop, the work, the other one. It never did nothing for me. 25 years later, I'm still a shitty writer. And I did all the exercises. I can look you in the eyes and tell you, I did every one of those. I believe Gene Perrette.

I still do. Gene Perrette will tell you. He just never got to me, Gene Perrette, but I still do. Gene Perret will tell you that book, okay, so you. So there was one time I had the book. See what books are out, Lee. Can you Google Jean Perrette books? I had to record.

I had three of them. Which ones did you have? I had the one that were, I had one where I read it. Yeah, I had the one where comedy writing was Jean Parenthood. I think it was comedy writing 101. I think. I don't know. And it talks about him touring with Carson and some other comedians, you know, Jack Parr.

Jack Parr, that's right. Yeah, and he said that. So he will bring it down like this. So I got to do 10, 25 jokes about golf for Steve Allen. So what he would do like, he'll put like, okay, golf on one section. And then on one section, he'll write, you're right, he'll write down. All the equipment I had to do with golf. And the next section, see all this is hard work.

He'll write down things that people stay during golf, four or five. Then over here, he will write golf courses he's heard, you know, or then he'll write funny things he's heard golf players say. So that's just basically helping you, like, come out with ideas at this whole. But it's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. Organizing your job. Organizing.

So, yeah, he has 12 books on Amazon. One of the books. All right, he has, let's. For the young comedy writers, this is the shit I'm talking about. This is the shit, man. See, this is how I know if you did your fucking homework or not. Because in the beginning, if you fall in love with something, you will read every fucking line of everything.

And I was turned down by Gene Perrette. Judy Carter was first, then it was Gene Perret. And I really bought into Gene Perrette. Even though I suck, guys, I'm not going to lie to you. There was another book, too. It was a yellow book. It was called How to Write Funny, Be Funny, and Make Funny. I never read that.

And this one will break down. Oh, no. How to Write Funny. Fight funny, be funny, and make money out of being funny. And that book will teach you how to, like, you're going to go through Jay Perrette's, first of all, first to get to know the other book. And then, and then that book will tell you, like, all the different styles, like Stephen Wright, he's one-liner, whatever, you know.

And then, I'm running the angel field this side, you know, Bobcat, Go Wade. And then there was, like, little jokes about all these comedians in the book, Jay Leno's jokes. Marka Show, bro. You know, a lot of older fools there, Robert Schimel. Like, he would give you a joke of theirs, and then write, like, something about it. Yeah, the joke gave. Yeah, I remember that book also.

He had, like, pitch, and he had, like, he would break down a joke, almost like geometry with a little line, okay, set up, the paw, and then a punchline, yeah. Pretty fucking interesting shit. I read that stuff. I used to get coked up and do the exercises at night, like, till five in the morning. Like I would work five hours on that.

On Tuesday nights, when I was into comedy maybe two years, my friend was a baker. His name was Joe Koch. He ended up buying that joint Mississippi in Starkville. And he would bake all night. And I would sit with him and do Gene Perrette 101 books all fucking night. I would sit there and he would give me all the things to sample. I got to like 400 fucking pounds.

What other books does he have? He starts off with the comedy writing self-talent workbook. has 100 practical writing skills to develop your comedy writing. The new comedy writing step by step. It's been revised. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Comedy writing self-taught, the professional skill building course

and writing stand-up sketch and situation. What are you these books written? The new comedy writing step by step is 07. Oh, 7. I think it could be one of these. No, they were re-revised. Right. Because I was getting his shit in 92.

Me too. I was reading his shit. I was doing workshops in 93. The comedy writing workbook is 94. Yeah. And remember, like, and then, well, I got into all this, and then I would start renting cassettes, you know, at a library like Lenny Bruce, like actual VHS. And I would just start reading his shit, all nerd style, man. and

well I went to the alley weekly and that's how I found the natural fudge and but where was the natural fudge? It was on Fountain Avenue now it's a they would have punk rock music and then a comedian

where the next punk rock band performed and this guy named was Johnny Roberts and he had a local access show Monday nights where he would put up the comedy show on local access

but I didn't know what local access was So the first day I go up there, man, I see the Mooney twins. And I say, man, what are these guys? What are these guys Amish? You know, and everybody laughed. But I had no jokes. But then the guy liked me, right, Johnny?

Because they were like, the crowd liked me. He goes, hey, son, you're pretty funny. Come back next week. We're having a live taping for my cable show. And I thought, fuck, hey, cable show, bro. So I was like, fuck, okay. I didn't have a car back there. So I went through with my homie Rodney Inos, he was a Native American.

And from the Pima Papa Goh tribe, him and I used to get drunk a lot and he'd call them young drunks or dancing with wolves because we used to get fucked up, bro. Let me tell you, bro, these motherfuckers, they were Native American. Ronald, risky biz, Alfred, fucking Nelson, bro. They were all Native American, bro. about like a year apart and we used to get fucked up. Anyway, so I was sober, bro, and came on a rehab, so I took Rodney with me.

We went through on the bus. Let me tell you, bro, how new I was to comedy. All I know was 80s comedy, bro. Like Bobby Collins, bro. You know what I mean? Right. People like that, you know, Tom Rose, you know. I know, I know, I know, you got into comedy.

These 80s comedy. There was a lot more TV shows. A lot of TV shows. A lot of TV shows. geared toward comics. Like, you really got, like, I remember Felicia Michael. Felicia Michaels. From TV.

Like, I remember watching being an open-mox comedy, him too. I remember Bobby on HBO. I remember the chick on HBO, Wendy Leibman, that does the room now. But I wanted to point some out to you real quick, not to interrupt you, Lee. You know the people that you go now and you see at the fourth wall? Yeah. Every night. As minute as the sounds.

Three of those people are going to be fucking loosey-Ks. that. They don't know it. Did you hear the lineup that he told you who was there the first time he got on stage? That's pretty crazy that he remembers. It's such a fucking honor. Like, I can look at Felipe and go,

Felipe, we've been doing comedy together. Yes. For 20 years. We came here. I was in my 30s and we did comedy together. That's a certain bond. And I'm not talking about I know him as a comic. No, I'm talking about it that I used to do 25 shows a year with Felipe.

We knew the insides and outs. We got booked together. We got booked together. I mean, it's been such a beautiful fucking journey as a comic. Because he's like, you know, he's like the Ralphie clique in my heart. Like, he's part of that Ralphie Ari click in my heart. Like that we've been together. Not that he's been a comedian for 20 years.

together. That's a very weird thing when you go with somebody and this poor bastard. Look at him. He's dressed like one of the dargones of what's the Mexican band that sings about El Chapo. Lobos. Oh, Lobo. Look at them. All he needs is the insignia of the wolf on his jacket.

That's the difference of all, man. But it's weird how sitting here with you and what we do when we go to the fourth wall, when I look at those guys on stage, and they're not getting lapsed. Let me tell you something. Three of those 20 kids, are going to be Louis C.K.

in 10 years. They don't know it. It's a lottery ticket. That's all. I mean, Cynthia Levin, Alonzo Bowden, the Mooney Twins, they were all there doing. Jamie Kennedy. Jamie Kennedy, you know, that went on to do fucking movie. Jimmy Kennedy was living in his car, I think.

He didn't have enough to ever eat. Are you listening to this at home? You know, when you... Like, he was... He didn't know where his career was going to take him, man. Are you listening to the... this people. I mean, he was, like, basically doing, like, like, he didn't have enough for a grilled

cheese. He was living in his car. He used to park it and hide it right there by, by the, by the fucking Wells Fargo right there by the Laugh Factory. You know, just to let you know at home, nobody strolls into this. No, man. Nobody walks into this. Nobody had to you shit.

I'm telling you that. Nobody had the Jamie shit, man. I'm telling you, that's 2018. And I've been doing comedy next to this guy since he was a kid, since two, no. 97. I want you to do the math in your head. This has not been like somebody just hands you something and go, oh, you're going to get a special on C-So HBO. You know, I got this kid, Felipe. I didn't want to talk about this on the show, but I have to talk about this because it fucking pisses me to fuck off. I got a kid that about two years ago, he started hitting me up from my hometown. Hey, how you doing? Bob, blah, blah, blah, blah. We know the same people, but I looked at him. He's fucking 30 years. younger than me. Hell. But after about six months

and they're going back and forth, it started with the Duhmund if I tape your set, and I'm like, this is my first time at Gotham. They have a camera. You know what I'm saying? They have a camera.

They tape the fucking, they tape a show on Axis fucking cable on there. If I want a tape, I get it from him. I didn't, I just don't want a guy in the back with a stand. The place is sold out.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I just don't want it. But I explained to him nicely. If I want to tape, all I got to do is tell him to take the tape. Okay, that's that. Number two, fucking about a month later,

he hits me up, he doesn't know what he wants to do. I fucking, you know me, bro. I take an hour out of my fucking day and write him on extended plan. This is what you need to do. Ain't nobody going to. Did you just hear what I told you guys? When I moved to Boulder, I knew nobody.

Nobody. It's not like somebody says, oh, go and see Ra on the mall. This is me. You ever go into a town and you, I know Felipe's done this? You'll go to a town, Felipe, and you're walking and you have no drugs, and you're Jonesing

and you're basically buying drugs by eye contact Yeah You know what that's like Lisa I have? I've been, man No, you don't leave It's a different fucking world When you have to go

Like you come here I'm in Studio City What are we gonna do? Doug, where do I get drunk So you go to Marie tea You got a coffee And you might see a guy With a tattoo of a devil or something

And you go up to him and say Listen, I don't mind bothering you I just moved here from Kentucky And I fucking I'm Jonzen for weed This is way before marijuana and stores. When you've got to go up to something and say, I'm looking for, you know. Where if there are a cop?

You have to fucking take a chance. You know what a cop looks like. You're a street person. A cop always has his shirt nicely tucked in. Yeah, you know what a cop looks like. So you just go up to him and go, listen, man, I just move to. That's why you don't go up to him and ask him for heroin, knucklehead. You go off slow.

And you start off slow with a little reefer. And then he'll send you, he'll go, bro, I don't smoke weed. I'm sorry. But my brother says if you go down to the train station, over in North Hollywood, and I'm just saying this, people, you can get weed down there. So now you ask people where the North Hollywood train station is, and you walk over there.

And you walk and get a hot dog, because you're not an asshole. You know, you're not a fucking junkie. You're going to do it the right way. It's like when I go to the weed store and I see a kid parked in front of the weed store. Don't park in front of the weed store. This is a residential neighbor, but they're going to know. Park down the corner, you can't be that stupid.

Who the fuck raised you? You don't park. You don't go to the thing and just look around. Hey, you got drugs? Have your first thing? You got a hot dog and you mingle and you're bump into street people. Hey, man, can I get you a hot dog? I'm right away.

Hey, come here. I'll get you two hot dogs. Who's selling the weed around here? And they'll tie you right there. They go, bro, there's no weed. But that guy's got fucking in the Valium and that guy's got heroin. Boom. Boom.

That's how easy it is. That's how you got to go into the... There's no yell. Yeah, there's no yelp for drug dealing when you just get to a town. So that... It pisses it. me off that this kid hits me and you know when somebody hits you. Philippe, you have those people

that come up to you and they want something but they just don't tell you. It's always like, I brought you this and you're like, I don't need that. Like, just tell me what the fuck it is that you want. So I've done like a year and I go, what's the problem, don't know? He says to me I really want to be famous.

What? Yeah, and I really want to get out of here. You know, you could just help. No, I can't. I don't know nobody. What the fuck do I know? Close sight for me. Then it keeps hitting me like with little tags and shit. How do you make some un-famous? I don't know. You know, there's two types of people.

Like, when I go to Burke Kreishe's house, and he invites me over for his daughter's thing, a son, and I go over there. And, Felipe, I want you to know I appreciate this shit. Like, I, I, I, I go over there, there's two types of people. There's people that like people at their house, and there's people that don't like people at their house.

I'm one of those motherfuckers. I don't like people at my house. You know what I'm saying? If you come over, I want you to act like a civilized person. Don't be yelling and screaming. I don't want nobody. You don't want nobody in your house. I got an office at my house I got to do the podcast in my house and save 700 but you

know what I don't want that I don't want nobody in my house I don't want nobody in my mouth leave my fucking house you know you need 50 for a meal or some I'll give it to you but don't come to my fucking house don't be knocking this year I'll let you know when it's time to come home my fucking house I'll let you know I'm one of those dudes you know he caught it like about a month ago he started with that shit like if we could just get some help and I finally got to shout him down I said, listen, there's no help, bro. You're a young guy.

Go steal it. I just need help to get out of here. What do you think I did to get out of New Jersey? You think I just worked? No. I did what you did. I worked selling, doing fruit for two nights. I said, this is fucking slave labor.

And I went and borrowed money from a loan shark, and I left. I owed them fucking a thousand dollars. Man. Who gives a fuck? That's how you make a move. So you make sure you don't come back. I was in the Midwest. You put yourself in a position so you can make sure you don't come back.

Crazy, man. I was in the Midwest and I hung out with him. some comics, you know, like in the Midwest. And then later on, man, this comic I just made goes, hey, man, I'm going to be coming to Alet, man. I did a crash at your house? Right. And I'm like, hell no.

At least I'm telling you the truth. Hell no. I got a daughter. I got a wife. I have a wife. I have a son. You can't come over. My house's not a green room.

You come over Lee. Philippe come over. I don't know these people. So. And I finally had a sentiment. going first off, bro, before you get me any attitude, I don't know you. Yeah. I don't know you.

I don't know you. What the fuck do you want from me? I don't know you. You know, how many, Felipe, how many people con you here? I tell these, you know, I was telling about a month ago, Lee said that he spoke to some guy about a job and the guy wanted to hire Lee to sell content to put on a website. And I go, Lee, you don't want to do that. And Lee goes, why not? I go, because Lee, every comic that's a friend of mine has already. been terrorized.

It's the last thing we want to do. With a million great ideas. With a million great idea. And to give up our content, because guess what? At the end of the day, we don't get paid. Show you your emails. That's bullshit. Nobody gets a dime.

Yeah, I want to get all the content. You could give us all you, and you give them videos, and there's no money. Guess who's swallowing the YouTube? They are. All these people, the laugh factory, just hit me about three months ago, hi, we want to put your video up, no, because for what? I don't get nothing. You tell me I'm going to get something

I don't get nothing I went to Laugh Boston I did that comedy The people tape my set And can we put it on our website We'll pay your percentage I want about a year ago A million things I didn't have to get nothing

So nobody wants to hear nothing Don't come to us with no scams So I told them I said don't go to these comics with scam Lee they're not going to talk to you And they're going to turn their back We got scammed with the CD that they saw To the Army and the DVD

And the DVD You already got scared Millions we've been scanned. Joe Diaz, they paid us, man. I'm going to tell you, man. $1,500. They paid us in cash and check. And then when Joe Diaz told that guy,

all right, man. When Joe Diaz got the money in a check, he told that guy in his face, see you never again. Because you know, man, they're never going to come back. They're never going to come back. And that's, that was aired everywhere, bro. That tape, that was, that, we did that before 9-11.

We did that before 9-11. And what the people did was there's a commissary over in Iraq or Iran or wherever they went. And that was the number one. That was the number one video that they were selling because I was seeing soldiers on the street. And they would come up to me and go, bro, you made my fucking stay so much easier with that tape. And I remember I got the longest yard and I was so pissed. I took money from the longest yard and hired an attorney. I was telling Lee the other day that there was a time.

I didn't have a very good relationship with the ice house. Remember we cornered Bob Fisher at the mall one time? There you go! There you go, Lee. I'm with you. I don't fuck around, man. You owe with money. If I give you $300 to get me in there. I don't know how you and I were at the mall and we saw Bob Fisher. Then we did watch no change. Bob Fisher, whatever to that fucking money.

His face got purple. I never got any money either. Yes, you did. Yes, you fucking did. You got money. Now, we want our fucking money. So for a long time, I didn't have a good relationship with the ice out. because I kept telling them next time I see I'm gonna fucking strangle you

We're put to get a dime All of us split a dime together From each DVD? Yeah, I guess And when I found out But I found out by a guy In the Navy was There was a guy that was burning

That particular DVD was Joe Diaz Me and Him The Devil and Vic Dunlap And I think I don't know With Edwin But he was fuck He made a bunch of copies

And he was like Selling him to the office For five bucks We got killed on that But you know what? You make it up later on. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. You don't cry out with spilt milk.

These guys are happy, though, man. No, you're never happier first, but that's why I tell people. When they come to me with that stuff, now, you know what? I love you, but I don't want no involvement. I don't want no involvement. And especially when it's a comic,

that comes up to you, like somebody who's friends with a comic, and they come up to you with a scam, your blood pressure gets boiling. You're like, I see this coming already. I just don't like it. We're doing a... The bowling alley comedian.

It was the guy used to do the bowling alleys. At one time he recorded it. he was selling your DVD. Rick Martinez. Rick Martinez. I told Lee about him. Another one. Lee, he's the guy that told me on the show.

Can you have a one? You should sell DVDs. And I go, I don't have one. I have one. He goes, I taped you last time. When a Heineken dog to straighten us? I'm sorry, I don't know. We don't have an open at all.

You're opening with your teeth. You know what I'm saying? A lighter. Look at you. Old fucking school. This is Charles Bronson right here, bro. He's not fucking around. He's not fucking around.

Look him. He needs that beer, bed. Let me give us some shoutouts real quick. Go for it, bro. I was in applying your little vegan glasses. I like those fucking glasses. Yeah, but they're not a wood, bro. You got to eat them. My man, Tyler Benoit, fucking family.

Denford Berryman, Codman, Daniel Wheatley, Sean Welsh, Arthur S, my brother from Staten Island, Anthony Z, Bradley Yandel, Mamosa, Pappy, and Canadian motherfucking Bronco, baby. I want to give you a little, fucking some loving here, you know, mid-year to get your start on the right foot.

And don't forget, next Thursday night, the 18th. I'm headed with the fucking Nazi killer with my main man, the Nazi killer, Lee Syatt into Austin, Texas will be at Cap City. Friday's halfway gone, Saturday's gone, all you got is Friday early and Thursday. And the Charlotte Comedy Zone, the following Thursday at 25th. I'll see you Savage is there. Tip-top, Magoo, ready to go. Smoking, Reefer, and fuck.

and eating the best food in fucking Charlotte. And that's it, motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? My man, Felipe, is going to be in New York City next weekend. What's the date? I'm going to be there this Saturday. This Saturday.

This Saturday. You ain't fucking around. January 13th. January 13th. The day the devil was buried at sea. Where are you going to be performing? I'm going to be at the PlayStation Theater, one show, 8 o'clock.

We have a special host. Louis Guzaman, bro. Okay. From Boogie Nights. Send them my love. Pachanga, bro. I shot the pilot for the Louis Guzman show. Did you know that?

Yeah, I shot the pilot for that. Me and I think Rudy. Yeah? Rudy Moreno and this other dude, we shot the pilot. I shot the pilot. Louis didn't like me. I let him know. I got into the fight with the fucking director

because he kept, it was a fucking god-awful show. Yeah. It was god-awful. It was god-off. What other show? What about the heat? Give me tell me how bad it was.

How bad was it? That my wife, who doesn't say a bad word about anybody, told me on the right home, boy. Boy. I don't think that shows when I got picked up. I remember looking at it. I was shock at first and going, you saw that too?

It was God awful. It was written horribly. That was the first time I realized Fox doesn't have a fucking clue of what the fuck they're doing. You know, when you people, when I say little things and you people might get offended about a network,

or something. Bitch, it's because I've been on that fucking Oregon. I walked around, and I've been on a couple of their shows. And I gotta tell you something, bro. I've been burnt more from Fox than anything. And those shows are fucking brutal. And every time you shoot for Fox,

they put you further and further into the fucking dungeon. Watching my luck tomorrow, I have a fucking audition with Fox and they'll say to me, I heard what you said on a fucking podcast. But it's true. My pilot got picked up by Fox.

My pilot. Did it? Yeah, but I don't know if I'm throwing involved because I think I'm now Evalongoria's attached with the same showrunners and Dustin Ybarra and I. So we'll see what happens, man. Oh, well, good fox. Oh, I took that back from Fox.

And Fox is an extraordinary. But you're right about some networks, man. They'll go like when they go, um, the head writer at a, on an all Latino show might be a white guy, man. And you're like, he's from Detroit. I know Latinos. Yeah, but you know Midwestern Latinos. What do you know about West Coast Chicanos?

That's what happened. With Louis Guzman. Throwing in a low rider and having the lead actor falling out with a white shake is a good formula. But not everybody else is going to hook it with a white shake. See if you have it on YouTube, the Lewis Guzman show. See if you have it on YouTube. Here's the problem, Philippe. We'll be there at that show on PlayStation Theater.

This Saturday. This Saturday night PlayStation Theater. Where's it located? It's located in Manhattan? Manhattan. There you go. You take it from fucking there. It's going to be Rodrigo Torres, Louis Guzman, myself, Toby Hicks, and Marchon Rizzo, bro.

You're taking March on. Hell yeah, bro. He's never been there. You're taking the whole fucking crew with you. Taking them, bro. Gabriel style. You're taking their motherfuckers with you. Tell you, bro, man.

You got to give back. I hear you. You're going to give the little, the young community a little taste, bro, to give him hope. He's still booking commercials, Rizzo and shit? He's booking something, bro. Is he? I know he does like an after-school program. Where he teaches art?

No, there's nothing there. In January 19, I'm going to be at the Prima Taza. I'm going to have breakfast and selling tickets to my show at the Novo Theater, March 23rd. That's a nice place, bro. It is, bro. I got one night, March 23rd, and hopefully that'll do well. And March 24th also. But a lot of times, you know, people do want to pay the surcharges.

So at Primera Taza and Boyle Heights, I'm going to be there. selling the actual ticket for the show at the right price no taxes, well the taxes already included but no surcharges so you're going to be paid $30 just for the ticket it's not going to be 40, 50, 55

it's going to be the exact price. 30 bucks and I'll have my vinyl there. I don't know you guys get to my vinyl? No, you didn't bring it. I saw it. I saw it. Well, it's in the mail. Okay. I'm going to I'll bring a person. It's in the car. It's in the car. I've got a vinyl of my special

translate this. His special did well. A lot of people got to see it. You know what? A lot of people are coming up to me and say they liked it. I'm so very surprised that Tom Rhodes actually saw him and his girlfriend. So that was cool. We fucking saw it.

You were very generous and invited Paul and out of your premiere. I forgot to tell you, brother, least I ate more vegan taco than regular taco at that party. I know. He found love, bro. He didn't want me to tell you, bro. You weren't supposed to tell him. Delicious, huh? But they were delicious, bro.

Vegan goat, you had. That's sacrilegious for this guy, right? Sacrilegious, bro. Sacrilegious, bro. It doesn't matter. Vegan goat, bro. You loved it, bro. I don't know if I loved it.

This guy eats the worst food in the world, bro. If he tells you he likes something, it's bad. It's really bad, bro. What he and his girlfriend like, it would blow your mind, what they eat. And they look at each other and clap and smile when they're eating it. Clap. Some other people would look at that shit and go, I want my fucking money back. Yeah, you like delis?

You're Jewish, right? No, he don't like delis. He likes... Because I saw this tongue sandwich out of which I was like, what the fuck? Oh, he likes tongue. He likes Jew tongue. No, I don't. No, he won't eat that.

Bro, anything good. Taco de language. You eat a long-le-le-old tongue. I used to eat tongue taco, though. You have no idea. If he told you that tofu was good, it probably was to him. And you're eating it, too, like a fucking morter you are eating that shit. It was delicious.

I just saw somebody there was a there's a burger on weight watchers that you put a slice of tofu on. Oh, fuck that. Why would you put like a marinated tofu on a fucking piece of burger? Delicious. If you sold that shit at a restaurant, I would not step into your fucking restaurant at all. If I find that you have tofu, burglars, I don't get it. I just don't get it. I don't understand it.

Oh, man. And you're Mexican. And that's what kills me. Well, we're a boulder. Oh, that's your heaven. We walked into a raw restaurant and Rodrigo ordered a raw mini slice slider and it was all made with raw stuff. Nothing was cooked. Raw burger.

Raw burger. It was like a, the bread was made out of like this toasty bread and the middle was like beans and the cheese was made of the cashew and the ketchup was made natural. It was cooked. Rodrigo hated it. No, bro. But he ate two tacos. Next time you go to Boulder, you just called me. And I'm going to Boulder in two days.

That's all notice I need. Just how they go to open a carriage is there? No. I'm going to hook you up with one of the finest people and cooks I've ever met in my life. Antonio Laudizio. That's all you need to know. That's all you need to know. He had three brothers.

He had three brothers. One ran a restaurant in Miami, the other one in San Francisco, the other one in Boulder, the other one in New York. what are those towns like sound like you're doing and that's exactly what they did when the cops were looking for them they all jumped on a ship they shot they got on sailboats

and they went around the world to evade prostitution prosecution prosecution they had to cut a deal with the government I met him when they cut a deal with the government I met the wife first when she was running the rest of her and then I was in the halfway house with the husband and then we became fucking gumba

still today I still call him he's Italian and he's speaks better than Spanish than the both of you fucking knuckleheads. That's how real he is. He's Spanish. And on his restaurant menu, he would, on Fridays would be either

Cuban food or Mexican food. And he would cook it and your fucking head would blow up. He's got a restaurant now, but I would have sent you down on Saturday to the farmer's market where he makes pizza by hand and you get back to me. He's about 80 now. He's old.

I just talked to him a couple months ago. he's my dog that's where I would have sent you in Bona I don't think you can't have it what do you think you have one you can't have the pizza because of the egg right no the cheese doesn't fucking matter

you eat it that's Antonio Lodizia who gives a fuck what your dietary needs are you're eating royalty you know what I'm saying for one day you get away from eating that billy goat food and fucking get a fucking some protein in you fucking tofu and gukfu and that shit

you know how much fucking fucking good food there is in Boulder and you're eating a raw fucking burger. I would have put roller skates on him and left him and Toby Hicks. You'd really be ashamed of himself because he's black. From Omaha. From Omaha. The land of fucking steaks. He was the only black dude I know this, bro.

The only fucking black people in Boulder were football players. And when they got out of the line, they beat on them too. They've been beating on those people for years. I told you, the reason why I got away with my biggest beef in Boulder, the biggest thing I ever did when I had two felonies was to smack my ex-girlfriend's. husband for calling me a spick. And I got away with it. Because in the city limits of Boulder, you can't use a racial slur and boulder because of the

black football players. They got tortured so much. One of them, J.J. Flanagan punched the chick in the fucking eye and knocked their eye out of something fucking crazy. So you can't fucking use racial slurs to city limits of boulder. They probably change it by now after John Bonnet, fucking anything goes. We killed a kid at this point who gives a fuck about black people. You don't know.

You don't know. fucking boulder you never know i don't fucking know you know what's the matter with you zambos everybody's how i'm gonna be in um i'm gonna hawaii'm gonna hawaii'm gonna hawaiii um hilo helo and hano lula helloah shit shout out to andy bumatai legend lansi i don't even know and the fucking bumatai is we go to colorado i drove through it once on the way here just stop in denver yeah right at a motel six right out of Denver. That's it. I was driving here. I've always wanted to go back.

It seems nice. It seems very I don't know. It's like I told you guys. You ready for this guys? They got the legalized weed. Yeah, the weed store. I told you in the beginning of the podcast that Sunset Herbill, the Home of the Stars. They open from 6 a.m. now at the 10 o'clock at night.

That's great. Go see my girl, Sky. She's going to work from 6 a.m. They got serve bagels. I mean, they're going fucking big over that. But guess what people? Let me tell you what California got themselves into So for a $60 bag of weed. It's $16 a tax So a $60 bag of weed now cost you $76 They don't really charge me. I just tell them what I want and they give me a number and I give it to when I tip the girls but $16 on $60 worth of marijuana. You wanted it, you fucking got it, you fucking dummies.

I think in Nevada it's closer to 100% isn't it? Like, tax? No. I know that Colorado, Tia, 25%? Would you go? 25%? And I don't go. Let me taste.

Let me taste. There's one week, do I go into when I do the comedy walks? Because they're very nice people. That's the one by the condo on the corner? You don't think the condo, do you? No. No. You go downstairs?

No, I go to a whole... Yeah, yeah, I go downstairs. Real clean, right? Nice, nice people. Yeah, nice people. I go to that one. I go to that one, they take care of me. Do you always tell you that?

They always tell me that. Rodrigo Torres over here. It's like a sourge. Rodrigo Torres, like I said, it's going to be the Brea, right? Generally what? Like I said, 16. Like I said in the beginning of,

uh... Yeah, this can't become a promotion show. I'm not to tell you off. Who cares about Hawaii? Just promote New York. Just New York. Don't worry about Hawaii. Aloha.

New York. Yeah, that's right about New York. This Saturday. We're worried about Hawaii and this guy and Brad. But it's really crazy. What the fuck is going on there? But it's really crazy. We were here for the fucking regular weed,

you know, for the first boom. And it was very interesting. And now where it's become. And even with this fucking Colorado thing, you know, like now I go, like I said, when I go to Colorado, I don't even bother going to a, fucking weed stores because I bring my own shit. But, wow, that's the first time I got

killed at one of these fucking things this morning. I was wrong, it's 15%. Well, where in Vegas? In Nevada. I thought it was more. No, it can't be a hundred. How are you going to go spend $100 on weed and $100 in taxes? You got to be a fucking moron to even walk in there. You really got to be a fucking tourist to walk in there.

I want to do something like that. That just sounds. And that's what they're guiding it for. Listen, California is pointing that just like Colorado. Listen, they're going to do the same thing. And guess what? If you think Colorado was fucking you, California's going to bang you up the ass twice.

They don't give a fuck. It's tough to get that license, and it's tough to do all this shit. They're making these girls six in the fucking morning to 10 o'clock at night. Is that necessary? Is that fucking necessary? Even I don't need a weed store open a fucking six.

Even me, I don't need a weed store open at six. I'm all right. I always have a little something for the mouse in the morning. you know what I'm saying if you only got something for the mouse in the morning you ain't fucking real Jesus

Now when are you planning on shooting another special Felipe My deal with HBO is two years So probably in two years So you'll shoot one In two more years Yes

Hopefully it'll be with HBO Or I'll get a better deal with somebody Or hopefully HBO And I want to do I want to host A stand-up show

Where I could Showcase Comedians You know like kind of like when like Gabriel had a standard revolution. You know, I want to do a show like that.

Something original. Original. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to fuck out of here. You want to do a show. I'm bringing up fucking other bit. Yeah, I'm going to do a show.

I'm bringing up on a comic. What can you do? Can you do an explosion in between? Can you shoot a comic? I mean, what are you going to do? That's why they're a freak show, bro. That's why the networks don't do it no more. Because it became like this fucking,

I always thought it would change to to cater. I'll fix my picture. Like something to make it different. But we never came up with nothing better than one guy. I'm okay, Locos. You know, look at like the Rodney specials. They were the epitome.

Young comedians. The young comedians. That's what. But not everybody, they didn't put up a thousand people, though, just six. Six. All year. It's perfect. It wasn't like a series.

That's what they fucked up. How many comics get hot every year? There's comics to the working comics. I'm a working comic. I'm a working comic. I'm a hot. comics. I'm a working comic. I'm not a hot comic. Those days are over with.

A hot comic is Chappelle. It's fucking Luke Warren. Sebastian. It's fucking Bill Burr. They're hot comics. I don't care about that. Kevin. I'm Kevin Hart. I'm fortunate to be fucking working. I'm very fortunate just to be fucking working. But

I'm in a major... Six comics is a year. That's what comes out of fucking anywhere. Six comics a year. You know, when you watch that... Well, young comedians and the one Rodney did with the already established guys was something different. See, that's a nice one.

What he did with Seinfeld and Picks and Clay. Kenison. Kenison, Lenny Clark. Bob, no, that wasn't. Robert Townsend. Robert Townsend and the gay kid was Leonard Jekin. No, Jeff Altman. Yes, Jeff Altman was on that one.

Is that a bugger right now? That's right. Jeff Altman. Robert Trimble. Yeah. I was on those. And Jeff, Jeff, what, what? They got with a mask.

He was hard, man. He was good, bro. Tell people how good the motherfucker was, bro. Jeff, what, what? I fucking. So if you were to get into boxing, what you're going to do is... My name is Jiffie Jeff. Jeffy Jiffy Jem's Jeev.

What, what? What the fuck? Who's talking to that? That shit. Remember anything special? He had the football player. Yeah. See, it's weird who...

The mom? The mom. The most outstanding ones were Jiffie Jeff. Jeffrey Jickle. He would cross-ed-ed-ed-ed. And it's funny. You know who reminds me of Jiffie Jeff and all that guy? You know, it was like a Rick B.

Bittetto. Have you ever worked with Rick D. Bettetto? I don't know who that is. Rick D. Betetto, I think he's a Staten Island guy, but he's New Jersey. He's got a lot of videos on YouTube. Funny motherfucker. He's a garbage man in New York.

And he's a father, you know, and he has a bro. I worked with him 15 years ago. Felipe, he's a writer like you. He took me. to the fucking cleaners with a joke about taking his family to Florida with four kids in the car talking I was in the back I couldn't fucking breathe I couldn't fucking breathe yeah he's one of those comics he's been around for 30 years you know another guy he's a working comic yeah he's not a hot comic he's a working comic it's weird like though like the comedians like you've never

seen this guy in a podcast you know he don't do too many podcasts just got hardly has her email or yahoo or any it's not even an AOL account and nothing But they're hilarious. They're hilarious. Dude, what are you doing? You know, like I work with a guy named Chuck Bartell. You know, he opened up for me, and I found out he had opened up for Nick Swartson and Tom Papa.

I couldn't find a phone number. I saw him at the Comedy Magic once. And I called the Laugh Factory. Tom Papa called him. I called him. Him and I did a bunch of shows together in Ventura, Chicago. Now he's gone again. I can't find him.

But this guy has. Hilarious, bro. Here's a joke where he says that, um, um, they say that, um, sometimes fireworks,

uh, gunshots sound like fireworks. So last year, um, during 4th of July, my neighbor killed and shot his whole family. And I'm outside of my house with a hot dog singing. God bless America.

Dude, but this guy's dark and, uh, he's pretty funny, man, but you know, he's one of those guys. He's just a working comic.

Chuck Bartel. Here's the problem that you have, Felipe. See, when I got into comedy, I got into comedy to hide. Like, I got into comedy to be like an outlaw comic. Like, I was just going to do comedy from town to town, do drugs, sleep, and that's it. That was it. I didn't want much. I didn't want a web paint.

It's, and I've said this a thousand times, I really don't like when people develop in L.A. Because it puts too much unnecessary stress on you. Do you have a headshot? Do you have a website? See your package You don't have a manager You want to be I want to be on Chelsea

How many fathers do you got You just fucking start at comedy If you start comedy in Michigan You don't talk about headshots You just talk about comedy Yeah this guy from Minnesota You just talk about comedy That's it

When you start comedy in Boston Talk about comedy Nobody goes hey man There's an agent Looking for people to be on a TV show You don't think about that outside shit That's only here Yeah

So it fucks you up in a way I'm very happy I didn't develop here because they're already talking to you about developmental deals at the two-year, and you don't even have the fundamentals of how to hold them pocket microphone. So that's what I like, you know, like anything else,

you got the fucking basics in you. You know, Felipe got basics. You got basics. I mean, you learned from, you were around old schoolers, but if you watch, you ever watch young comics, and they're like,

they don't have the basics down. They were drinking her hand for five minutes. It's like they put a drink up as a prop to try to throw you off. This little, I'm 25 years old. I've never brought a cocktail up on stage. Do you know that? Even in my fucking craziness,

I've never brought a cocktail up on stage. I think that's offensive. I think that's really fucking offensive unless you're Ron White. Yeah, unless you're going to be there for an hour. Yeah. Unless you're somebody like that. It's your show.

You want to bring a fucking picture up, go. But if you're faking it, like to be cool to pick up chicks and they stir the drink out there, it drives me fucking crazy. That's not comedy. that has nothing to do with comedy

don't take the drink up there when they bring a beer in their hand what are you doing that for you James Bond up there the audience the club owners like it because you're promoting the beer and people see that you're drinking so they sell extra beer I don't give a fuck about them

I'm worried about my comedy I'm worried about doing fucking comedy I'm worried about giving them the best show I could give them that's the differences that's why I don't bring that shit up there so many tricks people do I know they're up there some of them are doing their comedy

and they're kind of like dancing with their beer, like moving around with it. I hate that shit, and I'm a fucking junkie. You know, I never, you know, it's like, I would love, see, I would love to go on stage and bring a joint up on stage. Oh, me too, man. Give me three joints. I know when my set's over.

When is it over? When I smoke a half of, you know what I'm saying? Because I won't smoke the whole joint. You'll smoke a half. But for me, like, my next special, if I don't do this with Netflix, if Netflix says no to me, really doesn't bother me.

because in my next special, I'm going to do, it's going to be called three joints. The sets over when the three joints are gone. I'll find the place to let me smoke pot, even if it's the fourth wall. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.

That's it. That's it. The sets over when you smoke three joints. That's it. That's my next comedy special. And then I retire from this motherfucker. Oh, I die. I get hit by a car.

Like that video. That fucking. Isn't this happening this year? What are you talking about? Let me tell you something. That fucking, what's that crazy dude from Miami that puts all the videos up and shit? Have you seen his last video he put up?

What's that? I don't know what you're talking about? The fucking guy from Miami that used to call him to the podcast, the producer. Oh, Daniel Corbyn. Have you seen Billy Corby's video he put up about some guy got 20 years for hitting a kid on a scooter? And they show the guy getting hit on a fucking...

Huh? The guy who did cocaine cowboys. Put up a video yesterday. today. I was some guy like on a scooter at night whistling down the street. Like one of those Spanish dudes that take those beach things at night. You're driving and you see like those Mexicans

on a bicycle and a fucking and a fucking drunk driver just clocks this fucking guy with this truck. I mean the guy lived and shit. There was a bunch of people walking they ran and saved them. Two people got out of their car. See if you can find the video. I don't really want to see someone else get killed.

Listen. Why is this fun? The guy was like, that guy got hit, he was skidding on the sideway. If that guy dies, bro, somebody cuts his leg, let's stake him. That's how you get to stake him when a dude's leg fall off after an accident.

Some guy just happens to be there, picks up that legs, and runs with a jack. Oh, my God. It's a truth. I ain't gonna lie to you, Doug. Philippe here is. Okay. Is it there?

Show, put it on the big script. Just listen to the. to Billy's tweet, Miami prostitute and passenger seat and car. Watch this. Put the video on. Show the Felipe. He's going to fucking die. Let me see this shit. Look at this shit, dog. He clocks this dude, heavy duty.

I mean, poor guy. Got rest his soul or whatever. I think he lived. Whoa. Look at the, do that again. Put on. This is a terrible video. And you know what's sad?

It's only got 2400. Oh, Rick Luccheris. Look at him. He looks like a lot of people are in your murder. Robert Velasco was sentenced a Tuesday to 20 years in prison for the crash A hooker in his car was a star witness at the trial I was blowing here when the whole thing went down

Look at this shit, bro Look at this poor bastard A different angle, huh? No, the same angle Oh my god Oh my god Thank God the hooker has That would have killed me because I'm fat

Robert Velasco was sentenced Tuesday 20 years in prison This is why guys This is why when Lee wanted to get a bicycle, I voted against it. You want to ride a bicycle? Go to the fucking 24-hour fitness. And you get on that little scooter and you ride all you want with the helmet on. I'll put a sticker on your helmet.

But you're a dumb fuck. You drive your bicycle in the wrong places, bro. This is what happens to you. It's not that I'm anti-bicycle. I don't trust people on the fucking roads. And this is the reason why. I trust you. I trust me on a bicycle.

I just don't trust anybody else. And that can happen. I've known two people who are fucked up on. bicycles right here in Studio City right here trying to be cute riding their bicycles one chick from yoga got blasted at night I looked at go you really ride your bike at night

yeah it's okay there's a bike path okay is that safe it don't matter somewhere how do you get to the bike path you're gonna walk that bicycle to the bike path you know what you have to the bike path you're gonna drive to the bike path you see I got to deal with anything to save a calorie is fucking if you don't want to

bike to the bike to the bike No. Who takes the... That's what I'm saying to you. That's my point. It's on the way to the fucking bike path where you get clocked with that fucking car. Right, that's all I was trying to avoid that. This is why.

No, no, no, no, no. You want to ride a bicycle? Get yourself a little bicycle and put it on your balcony. You get vitamin D at the same time. That's the answer to the vitamin D. But to ride a bike on the street, who the fucking are you kidding? You have a hard time walking.

You won't leave the house in the daytime. He didn't leave the house until 2.30 yesterday. This poor bastard. You ride a bike? No, he don't have no fucking bike. He does a chariot. I wrote a bike up when I was up north, so I reinvigorated my love for it. So, you know.

What, up north? San Jose. You wrote a bike of that? Yeah, Google. They have bikes just hanging out at Google because Google's so big. So you just get on a bicycle? Yeah, we just got on and rode around a little bit. Did you have a helmet?

No, that's scary. You just took a chance. I didn't go on the street. I just went through their parking lots. Yeah, it's a real animal. It's real. It's really. It was scary a little bit.

I don't fucking like it. I don't fucking like it at all. Motorcycles, you go on the 405, You see those fucking scooters flying by in the HOV lane. And you're like, bro, one day, he's going to be going to fly into it. No, no, no. Motorcycles are terrifying. I would never do that.

And if you're riding a bicycle and motorcycle, you know, I love you. And I care for you. And I'm not saying nothing in negative light. But the odds are always against you, especially now. Especially in California with these fucking people, every morning I wake up and somebody's getting hit by a car. There's a hit and run. Three mornings a week, there's a hit and run in California.

And it's always in the shitty neighborhoods. And it's always somebody fucking nice as fuck a grandmother who goes to get a gallon of milk at 11 for a grandchildren or something. It's never like some fucking gang members or nothing. It's always like somebody who did something nice that gets whacked by a fucking car in the middle of the night.

No, no, no, no, no, no. They're right on the fucking bike bag. I don't even like, listen, I've become so fucking... I used to walk around New York City for years with earphones on, with the Walkman. Remember the Walkman? Yes. I am petrified.

to walk around the park with earphones on that I can't hear somebody sneak up behind. I don't. I always have one ear, but in, one ear, but out. Yeah, I know. I don't want to do that here because I'm hearing birds and kids yelling. So, yeah, who needs that shit? You know what I mean? I don't want to hear birds and kids yelling.

I got the forest around me. You have to fully, like, be, row, rah, right. I'm fucking deaf. I want to hear shit. I don't want to hear some fucking, uh, okay. I want to hear music, but I've become so paranoid about my surroundings. in my older age because people don't give a fuck. People don't really give a fuck to them.

You can be walking or somebody come up to you and stab you with a sword and next thing you know, they don't like white people. Yeah, they don't like white people or something. Here comes to Calvary, eh? Guys, and if you're not walking around looking for that, there's something wrong with you.

Every day, and especially like if you go to New York, look at fucking New York. There's always drama in New York on those fucking subway. Yeah, so we got in the hammer out on YouTube. Somebody just told me they went to the, oh, John Bud. John Bug goes, let me tell you. What happened?

John Bud goes every day there's something different on the subway He goes that is a fucking nightmare John Bud went back pro and he says it was the longest vacation of his life Oh my God I tell people listen when you got a girlfriend it's three days When you got a girlfriend in a strange town It's three days Anything after three days you're looking for trouble

Especially in New York that's a lot of walking A lot of spending I ain't fucking pocahontas You got three days to do what you want to do They hit you with the museum of natural history This that this that this that That's great That's a great fucking plan.

But you better pick three and hold on tight to that. Because all this shit costs money and all this shit takes a lot of effort. He goes, he was never so cold in his life. His girlfriend got sick. He ended up getting sick. But I sent him to Arthur Avenue to get fucking Italian food. And he said it was because he was going to go to those fucking traps down in a little early. Sparrow.

It's amazing. Well, but we're not good then? Trash. I wouldn't go there. Because they're standing outside of the restaurant like Italian. When here, we have eaten food. No, I don't eat food. I don't go down there.

I don't go down there. But then on Moeller? No, I go to that. You want real Italian? Yeah. Real fucking Italian. Go to Matt. Make a reservation when you leave here for Marios or the other one next to it.

I can't remember. All at the Avenue in the Bronx. That's the last gem. Listen to me. That's the last gem. More than Millberry. Oh, yeah. Millbury is just a bunch of tourists go down there.

See the surprise. or what Giancadi was or whatever. That's done. Those days are done. So the restaurant and they're always been bad there? No, no, no. They were good at what Dominics. They were good at one time.

But they sold them to somebody else. Those people were gangsters. They're getting, where are the gangsters? They're in jail. They're dead. Dominics is cash only. Yeah. That's how good that fucking place it, though.

Just go to Art Avenue. Do not waste your time anywhere else anymore. Marios? Get that bread from the Bronx. get that bread from the Bronx learn what good fucking bread is when you break that bread from the Bronx this is bread this is as good as it's going to get

you know some olive oil whatever butter olive wine tofu whatever the fuck you're gonna you're gonna ruin it anyway you're gonna fuck that meal up anyway I wouldn't take it to Marios because you're gonna fucking depress me in there at some point Angel hair pasta what do you eat what do you eat? Angel hair pasta

spaghetti sauce? Angel hair pasta nothing else no no I wouldn't even waste my time Take him the fucking Sarboz. What is he go? Sparos. That's where you belong. Vegan.

You can't go down and get a meatball. How about those dally's bannies, man, those cats' d'allies? What are you going to eat there? Cats dally's closed. Yeah? Yeah. What are you going to eat there? You can't eat salami, right?

No. So what are you going to waste people's time for going in there and insulting them? Alacado toast? No, don't go in there. Go to some place. They don't make avocado toast. They don't make avocado toast. What are you wasting people's time with that?

Barry. They know you're part of the church. Do you come in there. you order an avocado toast, it gets back to me. And then my feelings get hurt. You know what I'm saying? I'm probably going to go to Chloe's. You wanted to die.

Yeah, go to Chloe's or some Hindu vegan place where we love the fucking, you know, the flaming tofu. What are you grateful for? I went to a vegan restaurant one time and the waitresser, they ask you, they tell you, they ask you before you eat. What are you grateful for? For you fucking getting shot. That's what I'm grateful for. What would you do a restaurant or a waitress or a way to come out to do, hi, Mr. what are you grateful for?

That's where I get up. That's why I don't go to dinner parties. That's why I don't go to dinner parties. Have you been to a dinner party in the last two years? Never. Three years. There's a new thing with white people. They all look around each other.

19 people and they all want to say, at one point get up and say what you're grateful for. You know what? I did that this morning. Oh, man. I sent it directly to God. Why am I going to say it to 19 people? I've got to hear 19 ear beans before I bite into this fucking salad.

Number one, I walked in the door hungry. And you had a tofu. platter with fucking there was no salami there was no nothing you ever go to those parties where you walk in stone and they got no fucking food

and now they served the dinner like an hour later and you gotta wait an hour to fucking eat and you're fucking roast that ready forget it I don't go to I don't want to know nothing what are you grateful for

you know what that you ask me that question because now I can get up and get the fuck out of here that's why I cannot stand dinner parties where there's more than four people on a table

I avoid those like the plague dog. That's what people do in fucking Monterey Park no, not Monterey Park now. No, no, no, no. They all go to the west side. All the people live in Santa Monica, they always have the dinner parties. When did you come?

The topic will be loved. Listen, leave me the fuck alone. Because number two, you know what else they do? They measure food. And nothing insults me more than when you go to somebody's house and they measure food. Like people who work and they're in, you ever go to somebody's house and they were a chef or something? They measure fucking

food. You want to piss me off measure food. I'm taking what I want. Maybe I don't like the corn. Wait. Maybe I don't like the fucking corn. Not everything is like buffet style, Joe. Not anything is what? Not everything is... Then don't invite me to your house. Then don't invite me to you house. I said my wife.

My wife went to poros this morning to get some shit. By the way, you're invited. You're always all invited. The park Saturday 11. She calls me, she goes, I got 40 potatoes. I go, there's 40 fucking people. get 90 balls. I want to throw away food.

Yeah. I want to throw away fucking food. You know what I'm saying? Like when you go to party and they run out of food, that's an insult to me, though. That's an insult to me. You just insult them.

They ain't more shrimp. Are you fucking clean? Yeah, then go get more. Go get more. You know what I'm saying? How can you have a part? So when I have a party, I want to throw away food.

I was raised. It's her birthday. It's a birthday. I want everybody to go crazy. There's only one birthday or fucking year. She's only going to have this once. Like I said, I might be dead in two fucking years.

I got to celebrate these birthdays, well, I got him. It's the truth, bro. Nobody tells you when the grim reaper's coming. You know what I'm saying? There's two things you don't know. There's only one person who he was getting shot, and that was Kennedy. He was waving. Kelly was the only guy that was waving while he got shot.

He knew that he was the real psychic of the mall. Hey, if you're going to drop knowledge and the drop knowledge, you know what I'm saying? It's good to see you, Felipe. Good to see you guys, too, man. I'm happy you came up to you. I'm happy we talked. I'm happy we spoke about. the journey of comedy.

Oh, yeah, about Gene Perrette. Well, not even Jean Perrette. I just want people to know that, like I said, I've been doing it. And I'm not even from L.A. That's the scary thing. I'm not even front of L.A. If I would have been from L.A., I would have been there when he got on stage the first time.

But that's just to show you guys that when you go to your little fucking open mics and you're a little frustrated and you don't know that out of the 12 people in that room, three of you guys are going to be fucking stars. And it's not going to be... It's not going to be a big mystery to who it's going to be those stars. It's the people that stuck with it and took it seriously.

That's amazing story, Felipe. You told me. I never knew that. What? That that's the first place. When did you meet Willie? I met Willie in 1990, like in the 90, like, in the 90, like, I got my first TV created in 1996.

What was it? Latino Laughette about Jeff Baldess and Greg Gerardo. Okay, that was that, yeah, I got that one. And I met, I was at Waldo's Comedy Station, and they were doing comedy at the Hollywood Hotel Room, and I met Willie Barsena at, I met Johnny Sanchez first. I made Johnny Sanchez first, and then I met Willie Barsena at the same comedy show on a Saturday night.

He was wearing a Dodger shirt, a Dodger hat, and he came out to me and he said, What's up, man? You're from Boyle Heights? I'm from Boyle Heights. We should have lunch, bro. But I don't know shit about no man asking you for lunch. So I thought I was like, I thought that she was gay, bro.

So I never called that, fool. So now when you were doing this in 95... And he got mad when I finally called him. Did you guys 95, 94, know you guys had a little comedy click? Carlos had a little show, right? Carlos Mencier. Yeah, he had hosted a show called comedy. Compadres.

Compadres. and comedy something that on HBO. But comedy compadres first. And by that time he had like Pablo. He had a couple people on that show. He had Francisco, the O'Brien Valdez. Wow. He had the Danny and his brother, the twins, remember them?

No. Yeah. That's great. I remember being in Colorado dreaming about being on that show. And then he got the show on HBO. Yo. Yeah. What was that called? Comedy. Local slam, right? Local slam.

And that was, yeah, that was a good show. I remember when they had to audition, I was like an open mic, and I saw Friddy Soto audition. And he said, hey, bro, you should be auditioning, but I have no clue what's going on. So it was outside watching and going, I'm like, okay. But I didn't know anybody in there. And what were you auditioning for?

I did an audition. Everyone was audition at the comedy store for comedy Picante. No, Locoslam, hosted by, by, uh, hosted by Carl Metsia, produced by Nelly Galan, Paul Rodriguez, and Jeff Aldez for HBO. It was supposed to be the Latino version of Def Jam. At the end, they would wave at Paul Rodriguez. Yeah, Paul, you would say, oh,ale! And he would take a bow and all that shit. But I didn't, I never, never run that show.

I did the tour. I wanted to be on it. Oh, my God. Oh, man. I wanted to be on culture clash when Coach of Clash was on, but I didn't get a chance to a 96. It was weird because after the culture clash thing, they were big.

I remember even Lewis Guzman on House of Bugging. House of Bugging was funny. So there was all these, there was all these opportunities for Latinos, but, bro, I wasn't getting them. No. And then when I came on here, I wasn't getting them either. You know, it was so weird, but these guys befriended me. And they didn't give a fuck that, you know, Paul finally put me in that thinking, not Paul, but Jeff, finally put me in.

Funny as Funny. And then we have Funny as Funny, which was a fucking painy. I mean, you look back at that shit now, and it was like, yeah, it was no fun for me. It was really like, I would do shit and they wouldn't count me in nothing. Yeah, no tour. They would love me, but then they wouldn't count me, even in the trailer. like I would never be anywhere you know like I remember recently

a guy kept bugging me to do something about a year and a half ago and I did it and he blew smoke up my ass and the whole thing and guess what the show became a show bro and he avoided me like a plague and then when he did the star moments of the year he didn't put me in it's weird and I just sit there and I giggle

I go you know what we're used to this shit we're tough of the nails we're still here doing our fucking thing who was part of the scene in 97 97 was Carlos Al-Araki from Reno 9-1-1. Yes. Paulo Francisco.

Carlos, Oscar, he was pretty hot. Luke Torres. Luke Torres had a development deal, and Willie Barsena had a development deal. I think that's... There was also... Willie Barsena was headlining already, and so was Paulo Francisco.

And there was... I think... You know anybody else? You remember? Raul Martinez Raul Martinez Yeah and Rudy

Rudy Murano Rick Dunlop Big Dunlop Dick Dunlop Dick Gutierrez Vic Dunlop went back so far He was on Richard Pryor's Richard Pryor show

From the Roast Now what was the name of the guy That took over for Freddie Prince when he got shot And then he used to run the open mic At the Comedy Store And he became a writer An acting coach

And you know people laughed at him bro Quinn? No The Span Spanish dude who had that, who taught Vinnie Curdo how to write scripts. And Vinny Curto went on to sell two scripts to boxer that can't, what can't remember. Vinny Curto went on to sell two scripts, one to Devereaux and the other one to Jack and... Bill Torres?

No. He was a fucking guy that took over for Freddie Prince. See what his name was, Lee. Fred, a guy who took all for Freddie Prince. That's the guy who played Predators in a movie, right? No, he ended up. He was Queen Latifah's acting coach for a while. John Mercedes.

No. Friends with John Messing. Danny Mora. Danny Mora. Danny Mora. The acting coach. Yes, he's an acting coach. In fact, he was, what's the young guy that got married and fucking on his bats a party?

Fucked the chicken. She divorced him. Mario Lopez. Mario Lopez. He coached Mario. He coaches Mario. He knew Mario's a fucking kid. He had Mario all those fucking years.

So Danny Mora been around? Danny Mora. Danny Mora was around before. Dude. Danny Moore was around before Paul Rodriguez. He was there during the strike. Yes. During the Comedy Store strike, he was on the, he was one of Mitzie's shoreside.

Danny Morrow fucking took over for Freddie Prince when he got, when he killed himself, that the anniversary should be soon any day now. What's the anniversary for Freddie Prince, brother? Should be. If my memory still serves me, it was cold out in Jersey. And I think it was January. So when Freddie Prince killed himself, Dan. Danny Mora became Chico on Chico on the Man.

29th. He was? 29th of January, right? He was? I didn't know that. Yeah, Danny Mora was the Chico on him. I mean, he probably did six episodes. He canceled it.

It was tough to watch Chico and Man after he killed himself. But Danny Moore, Danny Moore was a very good man. He was very good to me. He called me from time to time. When Rick Dunlap died, he invited me to the funeral, but I lost contact with him. I really did. I'd like to get him on the show. If anybody knows how they get to talk.

Did he go? Danny Mora. I see them at Willie's house. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll call Willie. He spoke that Maryland's thing. Yeah, it had to be, like, I haven't seen him. I haven't spoken to him now.

That's how I see him. When was last? Did you see him at Willys? How long ago? Was he a part of O'Jriguez play? No, I didn't see him over there. No, he's not part of that organization. He was, Danny Mora, during the, when they were on strike,

he was part of the, he didn't, strike with the comedians, he was like, he said, fuck that this guy never stood up for me. So he took the Mitzie side. That's why he stood around. That's why she made him like a talent coordinator. Yeah. He was loyal to the store

and loyal to Mitzie. Yeah, no, no, he was a good fucking dude like that. No, bro, we come from good stock, Philippe. We were very lucky. We met at a partner. Deadly. I needed you and you needed me. I mean, we became friends. And I just won't let people know, man. This ain't a fucking overnight thing. We're talking 20.

You're thinking you sit there right now, you go, fucking 20 years. I don't have 20 years to become a comedian. I need to do it. And that's great. You'll become a great comedian in eight years, but it's not what long, it's not part of the journey, man. The journey takes a lot long. And I tell you what, when you're doing comedy 20 years,

it's so sweeter. It really is a lot sweeter. Like, you see the game. I'm like, you know, when I go to Jiu-Jitsu and I see those professors think of shit and do shit, and my tongue just sits there hanging. That's the way it is for me with comedy. You know what else is getting like that for me now?

Acting, bro. I've been acting for so long now. That not to say this out of no disrespect. When I go on a set, like I fucking know it. Like, I fucking know it. Like, I don't have to be told. Like, I don't know, you know. Most come.

Oh, Jesus Christ. See, that guy's still driving. Fuck that. He's not in jail. That's a guy who just got hit by a bicycle. See what I'm saying? That fucking break. But no, man

It's always a pleasure to see you And it's always a pleasure to see somebody Who paid his fucking dues And could honestly say Nobody gave us shit, Philippa Nobody gave us shit, man You know, like I called my agent And they go, listen man, when Netflix tells you no

I don't want you to disappear He goes, why would you say that? I go, bro, because I've been this down for 20 years They already had their six people picked You know, they want me to go through the hoops You know how long I mean? I still remember them, Reaching out to me for a Latino laugh festival and then telling me to go fuck myself.

Two years in a row, they told me to go fuck myself. Dale. If I saw a comic and I liked them and I walked up to him and it was my festival, that means I'm in. I was minding my own business when Jeff Valdez came up to me in Seattle. Do you know that? You do know that, right? In Seattle?

Jeff Valdez used to have family in Seattle. I'm from Denver. Yeah, he's from Denver. He's from Colorado Springs. But I saw him in Seattle. That's where he first saw him. Before you came to Alain? Way before.

How did I think I ended up here? How did I think I ended up here? He's the one that came up to me and said, I got a project. You're perfect for it. Plus, I got a festival. I like you to be part of the festival. Maybe we'll do a Cuban thing. And then I called him the next day at the hotel,

and he met me for lunch, and he told me what his plans were, and then that was it. And then all of someone there had a call from some dude. Pat Buckles is the town. Pap, who the fuck is town? I talked to Jeff out there. What's Jeff Aldous?

Well, you have to send a tape to Pat Buckles. Who the fuck is Pat Buckles? And that's the first time. And I told my, the guy who was kind of like my manager at the time, I go, they're going to give it to me. Why would this guy come up to me? No, they turned you down. Then they turned me down again the second year.

Then the third year, they included me, but in the show with Bobby Lee, like an Asian flair. And I've always told that one year he didn't treat me right, which I was really pissed about, was the year that he made me in Maryland. audition. The reason why he almost got, well he got, you were there that night when it went down, the reason why he got fucking, his head banged against the wall was because he did something really bad, man. He made me and Maryland showcase like eight times for that festival. Then he told us

like that Thursday. You didn't tell you got what to wear too. Well, it wasn't even what to wear. He told us that he could, we couldn't say certain things. And then he told us a week before that we could not, he was not going to have the dirty show. And then the week of, he added True Blue at midnight, hosted by Carlos Monsea, and it was all clean comics,

but they were trying to work dirty, but he wouldn't put, that's why I went crazy. That was the real reason, because I felt that he had fucked me in Maryland. I recovered from it. I wasn't that upset. I was upset for maybe two days,

but it really fucked Maryland up. And then he went back to Maryland years later, and he could put him in some stupid TV show that he was paying a 50 bucks Yeah, black He was paying a what? What was it? Yeah, Urban Jungle Wind up

Urban, they'll pay nothing. He was paying nothing. And you know what? He was making millions for that. Yeah, he was saying, Chris. So it was like he was robbing his own people. That's what really pissed me off.

Like, you know what? Go rob fucking somebody white. Go rob a fucking black dude. But you're robbing the same fucking people that, you know, these are your people. They have nothing. Look what he grew up. He grew up on a fucking project then when there was an earthquake.

They had a sleeping fucking tents outside. Are you fucking kidding me? And you can't give us an extra $50? So that's why, to this day, I don't like that motherfucker at all. Because he fucked his own people. Or fuck somebody else. I mean, I don't want you to fuck somebody else, but go fuck somebody else. Because this isn't about a real estate deal.

This had nothing to do with a drug deal. This had nothing to do with none of these type of deals. You know what this had to do with Lee? talent. Talent. And when it comes to talent, man, I know what it feels like to be fucking rejected

and to be fucking looked at and spit in your fucking face. It's not a good feeling. It's not a good fucking feel. Especially when you don't have much. Especially when you don't have much going for you. And yeah, that's part of the fucking game, Joey, you shouldn't want.

I understand it's part of the game. But it's not what he did. It's how they did it. It's how they did it. Repeatedly. Not repeatedly, but like I just told you. It's like, you know, It's like, Lee, if I'm Jewish and me and you are friends and I'm booking something,

and I keep fucking you over and over again. I think that I carry it on time. You know what I see you, I always go, ahim. You know what I'm saying? I always say shalom, and I make believe I'm such a big Jew. You follow me. I heard great things about you. Yeah, it's all bullshit.

But anyway, I don't mind. I don't want to hold you here in traffic. This poor bastard, God knows what he needs. He needs the fucking swoop. He needs a star of death. He needs another star of death to get him going, my man Rodrigo Torres. Anyway, I love you, brother. Thank you for coming on the fucking show.

What's up, fool. And we'll check in with you soon to see what the fuck's going on. Don't forget, my man Felipe Espazo, will be in New York City this Saturday night at the PlayStation Theater in Manhattan. What time? 8 o'clock, we'll do? Hosted by Lewis Guzman. Like I said in the beginning, the NFL playoffs are finally here,

and I want to tell you guys about my bookie.orgie. Again, the number one rated online sportsbook. All right. They have odds on everything live betting and all new prop builder. Create your own betting slips. Bet how you want. You can bet your friends LeBrono score 30 plus and have 10 plus assist. Why not bet it at my bookie and put your money where your mouth is?

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Their mission is to make incredible home cook accessible to everyone. They achieved this by supporting a more sustainable food system, setting the higher standards for ingredients and building a community of home chefs. Blue Apron offers three plans. They got the two-person meal plan, the family plan, and the fucking wine plan. Have you heard about this one? But anyway, what they're going to start doing ending on February 26th is Blue Apron is teaming up with Whole 30 to bring you delicious recipes. Our menu will feature two Whole 30 approved recipes each week like Mexican spice baramundi with avocado or Togorashi chicken lettuce cups with avocado and kale and sweet potato salad. Kickstart your new year with Blue.

Blue Apron and Whole 30, okay? The thing about this is, listen, it's flexible. Blue Apron offers 12 new recipes each week, and customers can pick two, three, or four recipes fit, you know, based on what best fits their schedule. Let me tell you what this week's menu is, just so you know, all right? We got the steak, Diane, with mushroom pan sauce and mashed potatoes.

Tremendous. We got Lee's favorite, General Tows chicken with bok choy and Jasmine Rice. We got Whole 30 approved Mexican spice barramundi, and we got Whole 30 approved Togorashi chicken lettuce cups with avocado. Not only that, no longer, do you eat healthy? You learn how to cook, and it's a family type thing because the best part of the day happened over dinner. So we want you to share that perspective.

So right now, Blue Apron is treating the church family listeners to their first three meals. That's three meals on the arm. Three meals on the house. If you visit Blue Apron.com slash Joey. Like I said, go to this week's menu and we'll give you 30% off with free stripping at blue apron.com slash Joey. Like I said in the beginning and I'll say it again, Blue Apron is a better way to cook.

And listen, if you cook, you got to eat. And when you eat your shit, you got a dirty asshole. And here at the church of what's happening now, we don't want this. That's why we go with hellotushy.com. Listen, the number one portable fucking bidet out there, okay? Takes you 10 minutes to install And guess what? Your asshole is Tip-top, motherfucker, McGoo after that.

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I forget right now. But it don't matter because me and Lee are fucking guerrillas and our bidet is still cleaning our assholes. Spiny. shiny, spotty, fucking new every fucking day. So this thing will last forever because what we didn't bust it,

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Church. Bam! And get 10% off your bidet, whatever one you want, whatever color, and they start at $69. Go to hellotushy.com today. I want to thank Hello Tushy.

I want to thank my bookie.g. I want to thank my men over there, Blue Apron, and I want to thank Felipe and Rodrigo for coming down tonight. Don't forget Austin, Texas, next Thursday night, and the Thursday after that, Charlotte, the fucking comedy zone. So fucking shine your shoes and wash your pussy. Uncle Joey's coming to town. Have a great weekend.

We'll see you motherfuckers Monday morning. Lee, kick that motherfucker meal.