The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #550 - Luis J. Gomez

Episode Date: January 15, 2018

Luis J. Gomez, comedian, co-creator of the Gas Digital Network, and cohost of the "Believe You Me" and "Legion of Skanks" podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 01/14/2018.


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Kick that fucking mulee. Oh, shit. Black people, Martin Luther. There's what I'm talking about. Oh, shit. Everybody's eating fucking Valium on that stage. Playing trumpets, jumping up and down. My man, Louis Gomez.

What's up, baby? The Christ Killer, Lee Syatt. Hello. And your Uncle Joey coming direct. It's a beautiful motherfucking day that'll be alive. You're alive and kicking. You got the world by the balls. And who's going to fucking stop you?

Nobody. You don't have to go to work today, you lazy cock sucking. It's Martin Luther King Day. How are you, Mr. Gomez? I'm feeling pretty good, man. And I cannot imagine to be, I cannot imagine a better way to be celebrating black culture and Martin Luther King than getting high with Uncle Joey

and Liss I. Two of my favorite people in the world. Definitely my favorite people in L.A. Without a doubt. This is what I'm talking about. This is what I'm talking about. We keep it simple. We keep it real. There's no drama.

There's no fucking adjectives. There's nobody here sitting here fucking wanting to hang out. Nothing. We're bare bones. We don't want to do nothing. We just want to fucking talk shit, smoke reefer, and talk to you beautiful people. How was your weekend, Lee? It was good about it.

Well, first of all, about the weekend, I don't know what it says about me. The best party I've been to in years was a five-year-old's birthday party. Yeah, Mercy Thore was a good party. She really does. She knows what I rock and roll. Was that your kids? Yeah. I said my son's five-year-old birthday party.

Yeah, Saturday. Just last Saturday. Yeah, Saturday. We celebrated the exact same day. We celebrated our kids' fifth birthday. No, this. When is your son's birthday? My son's birthday is December 29th.

Okay. But because it was during the break, we wanted him to be back in school. The kids. You got invitation. So we did it, yeah, this past Sunday, actually. Sorry. So you did it the sixth.

Yeah. Or the seventh around there. Seventh. The seventh. The seventh. Yeah, we did, her birthday is the 8th, but we did it on the 13th. And it was cool as shit. I got some Cuban potato balls.

Something. I got some pasta litre. I got all of them. I got 22 fucking pizzas. You did it at home? No, bro. We did it at the park. I got a yard.

Okay. But it's limited. I got weights back there. I got a barbecue grill with points back there. You know, I got a living room set back there in the yard, like to sit back there, but not for fucking 60 kids. No. You know, not for the amount of kids that were coming with parents. So there's a park right around the corner.

It's clean as shit. It's first come per serve. You get three stalls. You put your food out there like a fucking Puerto Rican beautiful. Perfect. Nothing bothers you at all. Yeah. Bring the conga drums.

Everybody says dick. You're not allowed to drink, though, right? Listen, you can't jump up and down with booze and wave a Confederate flag. But if you're fucking sneaking a few cocktails, ain't nobody going to buy at that park. It's a kid's party. You know what I'm saying? I forget that it says Los Angeles. I gave out of those parents.

Of course. Like some parents I know on the cool side, I brought them all a little tushy like a fucking little, what I, what you wait. Yeah. I told them, cut it in fours,

don't fuck around with them. Yeah, I live in New York, so there's no doing it outside in the winter. So we literally have to rent a space or do it at one of our apartments. And in New York, everything's really tiny.

So you can't have fucking 30 kids running around. No. You got to rent this space. We've got to rent this space. Yeah, we spent like $1,500. Yeah. On a five-year-old's birthday party. That's it.

Yeah. Unless you got a garage, listen, I could have done it a thousand places. I'm not one of those dudes. She don't need that shit. I don't want her in that fucking world. I'm going to tell people to stop with the gifts because they brought it up. There was a table full of the fucking gifts. It took her two days to open the fucking gifts.

Two fucking days. When I left tonight, she was putting a ball with L-O-L balls into a fucking bucket. So you melt them, you have to get the doll in the ball, get a bucket of water and put it in there and the thing fizzles like a blue Alka-Seltzer then you stick your hand

and take your toy out and you don't know what the fuck the toy is you have to buy it not knowing what it is it's a mind fuck for the child it really is a mind-fuck for the child and she loves it

yeah they love it I don't like it because you don't even know what you're buying she asked me she goes if you don't mind toys or us

get me I think it's cherry and foxy then my wife goes you're never going to find them purse to what toys or us number two

that sold out constantly. Number two, you can't pick your own doors. You've got to keep buying until you get the dog. Oh, that's how they get you. Sounds like those twist things they used to have at the door. Yeah. Like you just open it up. You're like, oh, it's going to be something cool. And it's never... That's brilliant. So

they, that's the scam is they have you, you have to keep on coming back. Keep coming back. And it doesn't matter because you love your fucking daughter. So no matter what she wants, you have to say yes. They got 80 dollars and then 80 little dolls that accompany them. You know what I'm saying? Then they're going to fucking come out with the series too? And then the dolls

have the purses. Do they have a TV show yet? Is that how they get them? I have no. No, they're on YouTube. Oh, even better. So they don't have to wait for new ones. They're on YouTube because they get you fucking early.

But I'm cutting that shit out because I'm going to break it down for it. And explain that you're getting beat. Yeah. You don't even know what you're buying. You know what I'm saying? You got to take it home and put in a thing of water to fucking figure out what you're buying. That's a better lesson than that. It's a much better gift than that doll, like letting her know she's got to fucking be more savvy than that.

You don't even know what the fuck's going on. Yeah. Get your life together. How can you fucking buy something? You don't even know what the fuck it is. You've got to bring it home and put in water and wait down like a fucking doze and bots. And then if it's a double, what do you do?

Do you trade the kid across the street? You're describing how I buy weed in New York City. That's how you buy it. You just buy it like what I hope it's good. No, no, no. I don't do that. It's not like Cali, you know? No, but no, no, no.

Listen, bro, I don't like delivery service. Yeah. Because I don't want to send you away. I think 95% of the embarrassed from me was ever getting a host. hooker was that I'll throw a bitch out. If that's not what I ordered, you're going without no- It was never what you

order. No, if you tell me you're sending over fucking Bridget Bardot. I'm waiting for Bridget Bardot. She comes up with a missing foot. We're going to have a problem. I'm kicking it down the fucking stairs. My move was I would jerk off before they got there and then not into the phone. Your fucking dirty

bastard. No. I don't like that shit. I don't like just calling somebody. Unless I know you. Unless I'm buying wheat. Unless I'm buying wheat, from you from eight years and you actually call me up and go like that like the cat Williams joke you know dog and what I gave you last week yeah this is stronger

then I'm one of those dudes right take your word for it but for me just to call like one of these services around here and say give me the best you got they're going to give me like 16% weed and I'm going to be stuck at home I don't want no delivery nothing yeah we don't it's getting a little bit better

in New York City now if you have like a hookup like but it's nothing like is out here. This shit's fucking crazy. This is crazy. Now it's even taking the next step. It's even crazy now, bro. Now it's going to go recreational. Now, the weed storm opens at six.

Do you understand me? Oh, the morning? Yeah. Of course. 6 a.m. to 10 at night. It's closed for 8 hours. Dude, 16 hour day. Two eight hours ships to girls work over there now. I got hooked up with Speedweed hook up. God bless Speedweed

Soul. They're the fucking best. He's the best. He's the best. They gave me a thing of weed. I don't even know what it is. I'm not fucking with you. There were gold flakes in the weed.

Gold flakes, Joey. It's, I don't, I mean, I'm not making, there's no way else to describe it. It's gold inside of the fucking weed. I don't even understand it. You saw those mushrooms. Yeah. They taste like mushrooms.

No. They taste, you disgusted. Did you see horse shit on them? They were spotless bob. spotless This thing's spotless And Lee almost Puked his fucking head off

He didn't even taste The mushroom No no it's not to taste It's like the texture Does it to me I don't know what And I know You put it in between

Two stars like a cheeseburger Like a fucking And it calls out Yeah You just freak out On the freak out I freak out about everything That's the thing

Yeah he freaks out And he freaks out Lee is one of the most fun people To smoke weed with And he never says no But whether Lee is smoking Eating Or no matter

What way he's consuming it it looks like it is paining him to put it in his body. Like another, like it is fucking causing him so much pain to get like he, when he eats the edibles, he like, he like drinks water. Like it's like really causing him like horrible,

horrible pain. And I feel bad for you. I had to do, I had to learn how to do it. It's like the, the competitive eaters. No, you have to just fucking put in your mouth and chew.

Yeah, but not when you eat 10 of them. Like tonight we didn't go that crazy. But there's some nights like the last time you were here where I had 15. Yeah. It takes eight it would take me an hour to eat 15 stars She's normally Takes you 10 minutes

If I dipped them in hummus We tried that We tried that It tastes gross Fuck No but That's why I don't know if you guys ever get mad

At like weed tea Or weed in movies Whenever they say they can't taste it in the edible I just turn it off Because I've never had Is that what bothers you Is it like the taste It's hard for you to get down

Is that why you need to drink the water with it? Yeah I just, I take it like a pill. That's all. It's just the taste. Because I love the taste of it. I like the taste. It tastes like candy to me.

I love it. Oh, come on, man. You don't like the taste of weed. I swear to fucking God. Are you kidding me? You react the way I used to react to whiskey when I was like 17 or 18 the first time I would take a shot of whiskey where it would like you'd really like, oh, this is fucking awful. You know, um, but the taste of marijuana, whether I'm smoking it or eating it, I swear to God, I love it. Smoking is different than eating though for me.

I like it. I like it when a good joint. taste good like that like like there's a that's that's something i enjoy that ingesting marijuana i know from who knows maybe it's from my early days of the the uh brownies where they they just taste really like you're eating dirt over the last six years i've given you every fucking oh yeah i've had everything i've given you everything i've given you and i like gummies yeah i've given gummies he's had it all cookies fucking you know and drinks oh yeah drinks we would weigh 165 pounds

If he wasn't just eating all the animals here Let me tell you something Lee's fantasy is my fantasy Okay, to be dropped off On an island with a room Surrounded with your five favorite food endless amounts And refa and you don't have to wear clothes

You can eat naked because nobody ever watch you eat You're alone. You're alone Oh, love it. Love it. About three weeks ago Nick the Turer came on the podcast He brought sausages and all these shit and marinera sauce and the sausage and he brought two loads of bread. I brought that love of bread.

There was one point I looked over with Lee and he was over the bowl. Like at the end of the night he was over it like getting eaten. And he was ripping the bread and dipping it. And there were crumbs everywhere all over his face, the table. I was leaving.

And I came back three days later they got hired by myself one day and I looked around here and looked like a fucking bomb. Oh, man, at this place. There was bread everywhere. When I tell you, there was bread on the floor, the chairs. That wasn't all mean, to be there. Some of it was me, but it was some of it was me, some of it was Nick.

I mean, we were eating here like fucking animals. We got so fucking high. That's the thing I don't like about. It's dangerous. The shit we ate tonight makes you fucking hungry, 1145. Yeah. Makes you want to kill a motherfucker. That's my thing.

That's my addiction. You got to be prepared for the, fucking hunger from this edible. I deny that I can control myself. With an edible, I eat an apple first, then I eat another apple, then I eat a piece of salami. And I'll break down.

You better tell for it. After two apples, I did my part, Doug. The salami still won the fucking war, you know? Every time I go to the store because of you, I buy apples for that reason. And that all works until I'm high. I've never won. Like, that's amazing to me that you actually go for the apple. Oh, they taste so fucking yummy.

When you don't eat a lot of apples. Apples and peanut butter is one of the best snacks. I can't have peanut butter in the house. Peanut butter, you lose weight with you? All natural peanut butter is just peanuts. Mashed up, doggy. Not if you eat the whole jar in one night. Listen, I'm a Jiff, dude.

It doesn't matter. It's just, fuck. First of all. Take your fucking natural organic. Shut up in New York, I want Jif. When I went to prison, Jiff was there for Uncle Joe. I can't desert Jif now because I want organic.

Hey, first of all, they have organic Jif and they have all natural Jif. Do they? Yeah, they do. I don't know. So here's the deal. Listen. Okay. I don't like Applewana.

I don't like peanut bars. I used to weigh 330 pounds, okay? And it was specifically because of weed, okay? My first year of college, I started smoking weed when I was almost 18 years old. Okay. First time I ever smoked weed. I was almost out of high school. I was like a proud, like straight-edge, like, oh, I never smoked weed.

I was proud of the fact that I didn't do drugs or drink or anything, right? And me and my friend's just like, at a nowhere on a whim, we're like, let's just fucking get high one day. And we smoked a joint. and I never turned back. That was it. One joint, you know when they say you don't get high

with your first joint? Yeah, I didn't. I got retar. Dude, I got so high. There was no, and then I've been chasing the dragon ever since.

That first high, I rolled around on the floor with my friends laughing harder than I've ever laughed in my entire life. I saw a system of a down in incubus and Mr. Bungle that night. High for the first time.

It was, it was incredible. Like, of course I became a drug addict. What a fucking. It's like falling in love. It was, Unbelievable.

It was like, when I was a kid, I fucking hated everything that was associated with marijuana. Yeah. Louis Gomez, look at me. No.

Same thing. Long hair, no, earrings. No, that dirty look people had with the scraggly shirt, no. I didn't like nothing to do with it. And I played basketball. I went to karate,

and the people I went to karate where were anti-fucking everything. There were even anti-sex, those young fucking little dummies. But in North Bergen, that was a complete different game. And I remember buying the first, splitting the first nickel bag, $2 a piece, and smoking a joint, Louis Gomez, I fell in love. Yeah.

I felt in love. You hear music. Music. I had like maybe eight albums the first time I got high. I mean, I knew music. Yeah. But at that time, my personal collection, I probably had like seven albums. The Beach Boys, something like Corny, Earth, Wind Fire.

once I started smoking weed I fell in love with every aspect of music it seemed like when I listen to music no matter what language no matter what they're saying I always found something good in it I mean don't get me wrong Yoko Ono sounds bad

even if you fucking do heroin you know Yoko Ono is just bad but everything pretty much sounds great when you're smoking pot and you have like earphones and you're relaxed and you clear your mind to sit back and just listen to music A lot of people can't do that.

That's how, that was my escape. When I was going through my shit as a kid, I would just get as fucked up as I could and just tuck myself in a corner with earphones. And just that would be my world. That would be my safe place, you know. And it still is in many ways. A lot of times, if I'm having a fucked up there,

I just go home, close the door in the office, plug the phone, put it in the fucking desk. And I put the earphones on and blast out, you know, 6-0 songs from my youth, something I haven't listened to. and I get my bearings back to me for a second. That's why I like Pandora as opposed to Spotify. I just download on Spotify because Pandora,

you can like discover shit that you forgot about. I put, it's like a 90s rock station on, and shit just comes up that you wouldn't think about, that you're not going to, like, happen upon. You know what I'm saying? I got serious in YouTube. Does the trickle. Yeah, that's great to.

YouTube, if you get something on YouTube, like and you listen to it two or three times, I think it gets you or whatever, because all the songs from that era will pop up. Yeah. So if I'm listening to AEI-O-U from 1982 disco, all the other disco shit that was on the station with that pops up on YouTube. So I'll get like, you know, I said, hey, pop, all that shit. That's literally how they fucking make you an addict.

at YouTube. I do it. I do it. I love it. That's my... Today, you know, you'll come to me, this guy will come to me, this guy will come to me, and I'll make mental notes, I'll write them down. You know what? When I got insomnia, when I wake up at 4 in the morning and I can't sleep, I'll listen to that band you told me about. Do you know what I'm saying? One of those guys. I'll write it down. I'll take your CD from you at a fucking show.

I might not listen to it for a year, but I'll listen to it. Yeah. And when I listen to it, that's when I go, holy shit. I wish I would listen to this sooner. I should have threw this away when you gave it to me. Did you play music? Because you're so passionate about music. I was in the band, like, in the sixth grade.

Would you play? I was a singer with John Bender, this kid, Ray Connell, and this kid, Dean Ormond. But I always played congerjones. Because I was my mom's bar. I had a big association with a lot of Latin musicians. so I always play Congra drums. My uncle plays the

Congress. My family has a band in Cuba. So I would take two Congre drums and put songs on the jukebox at the bar and I put a hat on the floor. I just play Congress for donations and shit. People just get me five bucks, six bucks. Just stop. Yeah, 20 to stop.

20 and fucking stop. You know what I'm saying? Oh, shit. Yeah, I was in a, I played drums. I was in a rock. band in high school and you know probably in my yeah really my first year of college but I was very passionate about music then I lost the passion for it I love as a musician you wanted to be in a band I was in a band I wanted to do that and I had a passion for music at the time like I loved I loved going to see like live shows and

bands like it was such a big fucking deal to me and I don't know what happened maybe once I was really when I started comedy maybe I just became him like such a narcissist and like selling my own thing. This really, I remember there was a moment where I saw, um, there's a really great cover band in New York. They might not even be around anymore, but they used to play on Canal Street in the canal room. And they used to do like crazy fucking 80s covers, like really dope. And they had a really cool live show like, like lasers and like cool shit.

Really cool like New York experience. You go see this band. And, uh, I remember my chick, my son's mother, we were dating this like seven years ago, before I had my kid. And we're watching this band. And I remember I'm watching them play, and I got bummed out watching them play because I wasn't performing. I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing at the time. And I remember it was kind of a moment where I was like, fuck, dude.

I'm like not enjoying. This is like a cool thing that I'm not really enjoying as much as I should. You know? There's two avenues to that. Either you became a comic. I think you've beaten yourself with the non-consistic shit and all those fucking big words. I don't know what the fuck you're saying But

Listen man There comes a time where you have so much time Do you understand me? You have so much time You only have so much time You only have so much time And you have to start picking Of what's important

Do you want to make a living Do you want to watch bands play You know If I lived in New York right now I would have a goal of two clubs a month but all that shit has changed than when I lived in the city

when I lived in the city it was all day of type shit I'm promoted on the radio and first come for a servant there was no online you know yeah get tickets online that's all gone you know right so for me I'd be like a dinosaur myself unless you'd say to me Joey

this is a great band let me take you to go see him like I'm thinking I'm going to see Joe Perry tomorrow night I don't know if it's sold out of that see if it sold out Lee tomorrow night somewhere in Hollywood. You know, I'm thinking to go and see Joe Perry. Let's see we get some Joe Perry tickets. Yeah.

On the motherfucking Luther King then. Last time I seen Joe Perry was in 83 at Radio City Musical. Are you fucking kidding me? Or what? That's great. Thirty-five fucking years ago. I'm a fucking dinosaur. Who gets a shit?

No, you have so much time, bro. And people get angry with you. How much? Starting at 110. 10. One 10 of ticket? That's not bad. For general admission.

Jesus. Where's the... That might be resale, unfortunately. Yeah, where is it at? The Roxy. The Roxy. Yeah, so it's great to see Joe Perry. Yeah, that's great.

100 bucks. See Joe Perry at the Roxy? Fuck, yeah. I'm not even a big Arsneff fan, but I guess he Joe put like the Roxy. I always have. I'm a big fan of his. You know what it was with me, even when I was a kid with music, I always like, I never, I never really liked, even like pro wrestling.

like pro wrestling music I always liked the alternative to what was like popular like growing up for some reason it never like got me like excited to like the either the band or the fucking whatever it was that was popular

I was always like I don't know it's a weird thing like I never really got into Aerosmith but I was like really into Motley crew I was really into fucking like Skid Row um yeah

Zeppelin yeah but not the same way I was into Motley crew in Skid Row. No. You know the other thing is I had a sister who was two years older than me. So when you have a sibling, you kind of just whatever they fucking like, you like, you like. You know, you don't really have a choice. So my sister was growing up, like, you know, we were, I grew, I was born in 82.

So, yeah, dude, she was fucking cool. She, even though she wasn't cool as shit to me. So all the band, she like, she loved poison. So I was like a fucking boy. I was like a little gay kid who liked poison. Just fucking. We're in a poison t-shirt. No little Puerto Rican kid in Havisd, New York,

wore a fucking poison t-shirt in 1989. And that was my first two concerts ever. Poisoned. The private poison pizza party, we want tickets from Z-100, and my mom won us tickets. And then we saw poison at the Orange County Fairgrounds. And I just thought, I loved it.

No, I loved the whole excitement of the thing. I just don't like getting ripped off. When I found that parking for the Rams games, This was $100. I almost lost my fucking mind that you have to fucking buy the thing before you go to the game, a fucking parking space. $100. Oh, yeah. For the fucking Rams.

Not even that. That takes my whole fucking excitement away from going to see football and that shit. What about movie theaters? What about having to pay to a parking of a movie theater? Like I said before, I don't mind going an event and paying. I just don't want to feel fucked in the ass. I'm like the regular American consumer. I don't mind paying the overpriced ticket, right?

I don't mind doing that and sitting somewhere nice with my family or my friends. But when you bang us out for $150 for Rams parking, $20 is like a fucking 12-block walk or some shit like that. That kills me. That just kills me. Joe Perry tomorrow night, $110. That's fair. You know what I'm saying?

That's fair. But again, not fucking really. It's not Arrow Smith. It's Joe fucking Perry. I'll give you the half of yard and whistle home. You know what I'm saying? But a fucking yardstick on a Monday night. You got some pair of balls on my Lutnik's birthday.

You follow me? No, no. Now you're not going to go. They turned you. You know, I don't mind lifting the rock. But these people want to fuck you in the ass, and that's what they want to do to the whole consumer. Look at this thing with the little kid with the LLO.

They start fucking you in the ass when you're four. What kid? My daughter with the LOL daughter. Oh, okay. Do they have something like that when you were a kid? They had when I was growing up. What they had? They had Pokemon cards.

They had. Yeah, but those aren't expensive. How much are those dolls? Yeah, but if you buy 8,000 of them, these kids had packs. When I was a kid at golf, when I was growing up, when I would go to take those Miami trips at golf gas stations. For 50 cents, you gave a fucking 50 cents or a quarter. Pokemon wore a 50 cents, Pokemon.

No, they were like a quarter or something. Whenever you fill your gas tank, whenever you got gas, you got three fucking stickers and you put them in a book, and when you're, filled the book. You wanted a fucking award or something like that. You know, I mean... Tops Cards was kind of like the version because you were trying to get the car, you know, the...

But it wasn't the same type of fucking... The top cards would give you a little fucking love every three packs. Yeah. I would just buy a box. Like, when I was a kid, I would go working with my mother's bar. I would swindle them out of a 20 one way or another. And I just go buy a box of baseball cards and fucking... Jesus. And eat all that fucking gum and get jazzed up.

Yeah, yeah, I would just fuck. I'd have a stack of that stick gum. That's the real fucking jaw builder right there. That's why chicks in the 70s don't mind sucking your pipe because they chew that fucking bubble gum. Bazooka gel gun. You got to gnaw on it for fucking. Bazooka, that other one that, the one that came with the baseball cards.

Two four minutes before you could break through it. It was like yellow and blue. No, the one that came with the baseball card was pink, okay? Really? And sometimes if the cards were rotten, you got the hard stick and you broke that thing in half and it broke the thing, That's worse than the shiv in prison. You'd slice the roof of your fucking mouth, dog.

You know how many times I cut the fucking root of my mouth with one of those bubblegum sticks from a baseball pack? Yeah. But we were tough. We didn't give a fuck. Nobody sued tops baseball. That's what you get for chewing the gum, you dumb, motherfucker. Well, now they're at a business.

Are they? No, they're not. Actually, I think they're still in, but I think they're doing UFC cards. And nothing works the fucking jaw, like a piece of bazooka when it's old, like it's stiff, but you still take the chance. You give it a lot of saliva, and you're trying to break it down with the enzymes. I feel like this is an analogy that I'm listening.

No, no, there's a little bazooka gums. You know those little bazook gums? Every once in a while, you go into the bodega, and they're very fresh. Yeah. Let's say you have like eight cents, and you look around. You don't want to put eight cents in the fucking thing

for somebody, for some fucking, whatever, to come and touch over his fingers. Oh, my gosh. So you go, how much of the bazookas? And he goes, three cents apiece. And you go, here's eight. Give me two. You even leave two cents.

And you take two of them. And before you turn, you look at the front page of the Daily News. And as you open up the gum, you're popping in your mouth. And you start chewing it. If it's fresh, you read the article on the Daily News, the front page. And you're like, wait a second, let me get 10 more these for the walk. Because there's nothing like fresh bazookas for the walk. Well, not just buy your whole pack?

No, they come like this. They only come in a fucking pack. They only come in an individual. You used to buy the sticks 10 at the time? No, you could buy whatever you want. Not the sticks. They were nickelich. Not the baseball sticks.

No, I know. I know what you're talking about. They're the joke too. They're the little... And a tattoo. Which doubled as a fucking tattoo. Oh, okay. That was a five-cent fucking party, dude.

They had a tattoo. They had a joke. They had a little fucking story thing, like a comic book, and the gum for five cents. Yeah. Name one thing today you can get for five cents. It gives you all that. Nothing. I can't even make a joke about it.

There's nothing. Yeah. I don't think you can buy anything for five cents now. Yeah. It's really fun. Do you give you a... kid and allowance? Because I'm thinking about giving my kid an allowance. No, she just turned five.

Appropriate amount. This is the deal. I'm going to bring her here once a week for an hour. She'll just do your ad reads. Maybe do the ad reads. Maybe clean up a little bit. I'll make it paint something for the wall. Right.

And then I'm going to give her a slash allowance slash 10 bucks an hour for help. 10, Jesus. Solid. Kids haven't got a better deal now. That's solid. It's a pretty decent job, actually. I'm going to give a 10.

I'm debating, moving to L.A. and being that guy for you. I was going to say, are you going to try to adopt things? Can I paint things for you and clean up once in a while? Listen, you got to remember one thing. An hour in her mind is fucking 10 minutes. Well, it's like fucking 1,000th of her life. She's going to come in here, rub the chair with Tilton, rub this. She's going to help me throw stuff away.

I got to hide all the fucking paraphernalia. I'm going to tell her throw away the gum to help me with the albums. and then... My son saw a blunt in my ear the other day. I rolled a blunt. I was leaving him with his babysitter. And it was in my ear. And, oh, no, no, no.

Dude, he was already in bed. Dude, he was already in bed. I rolled a blunt after he was in bed, getting ready to go. You know, and the room is pretty fucking dark. Like, really dark, actually. But his eyes had already adjusted to be in the room.

So I walked into the room to go get something. I had to blunt behind my ear. So I was going to leave. And he goes, Dad, Dad, what's in your ear? And I was like, I was like, a pen. And I thought it was a pen. And now he brings up fucking every single day.

He was like, do you remember he got a pen in your ear? Why did you have a pen in your ear? So it's like, but it's kind of funny like, Now you got to put a pen to ear when your wife's around. I know. Because of the case he goes, what was you talking about a pen you here? Not in my ear. I was carrying books and the pen was going to fall and I put the pen in my hat.

I did tell him at, was it, whatever holiday it was, there were edibles and people had them. And he wanted candy because he saw candy. They were like tutsi rolls, basically. And I told him that, I was like, I told him there's alcohol in them. So, I think that why do we demonize weed and like edibles and all this other shape? People are drinking wine and whiskey and beer at a Christmas party or whatever.

So I just kind of, the easiest way from to understand it is that it would, you know, it's for adults and it would intoxicate you. You know, he understands what alcohol is. I don't have to, you know, explain what weed is just yet. But I also felt like, fuck it. Like, I'm going to, like, tell him, you know, the truth that this is, you know, something that adults are, you know, doing and it's not for kids. And it gets you, you know, drunk like it would alcohol, you know. Is that crazy?

Whatever works for you, brother. Yeah. You know, whatever works for you. You're the guy that's got to deal with it later or not, you know. I'm not saying you're the other guy. I'm saying whatever you tell your child somewhere, you know, you know, whatever you tell you, you're Somewhere along the line, you know, I know I gotta stop smoking

in the back room. That happens. Well, I mean, eventually she's gonna get up and see the internet where you're smoking weed on YouTube. I do the same thing. I think she caught me in Huntington Beach. No.

She didn't say that. My wife hasn't said nothing, so she didn't say nothing. But I was smoking on the balcony like fucking Johnny Musada. Yeah. I threw the joint in the grass and when I turned around, she was just looking at me.

Oh, no. Fuck. and I think she said it to herself Like my daddy's smoking I'll leave this that's what I saw But I see a lot of things She might have literally thought you were smoking Like like...

A cigarette? No, no, no, literally like smoke Because I don't know, they're five Do they know what that stuff is? Lee, Jesus Christ, do you think they're retarded? Well, no, but they're five. How do they know what smoke is? I don't know.

I don't think I knew. I think she saw me She didn't say nothing to mommy And that's all that matters because when she does say something to Mommy and mom will say something with me. Then it becomes a problem. I don't know how to deal with it.

I just feel like he's going to grow up. You know, I'm very open about smoking weed. I do it on camera and there's pictures and I have weed sponsors and fucking bongs that sponsor the podcast. And it's like, you know, I almost feel like if I'm hiding it. Would I hide drinking a beer for? I don't drink. But if I was drinking a beer, I wouldn't hide it from him. You know what I'm saying?

So I don't smoke in front of him. But at the same time, I almost feel like I have to have an honest conversation. with him. He's five years old now. It's like at one point is he going to know that his dad, you know? Yeah, burn that bridge and you get to it. But for right now, in today's society, you can't be, listen. All you need is for that poor kid

at six to go into school and tell one of those peanut allergy kids that his daddy smokes marijuana and next thing they're going to knock on your door and your wife gets a letter in the mail. Yeah. So you don't need this shit right now. That's true. You know, this is... But that's what's fucked up, though, because you wouldn't get a letter in the fucking mail,

you wouldn't have any of me knocking on your door if you were drinking If you were getting hammered every day. What are you going to know? That's fucked up. It's the one life, guys. You want to take it to the Supreme Court? Take it to the Supreme Court. But, you know, that's the way life is.

No, we're going to fight this. I don't know why they do this with my own. I don't know. I don't have the fucking answers. All I know is I like getting high. I get high in the mornings before I see the devil, whatever the fuck. But back to you in your situation. Anybody's situation as a parent.

My stance is basically this. Okay? if your child sees you drinking or smoking pot you're their hero if they come the daily opportunity come and three kids come up to your child and say hey man do you want to drink

and you're like they say yeah why wouldn't that you actually told your fucking kid that you were gonna they actually dropped them somewhere to spend the night because you and your wife are going to some party and the next day when you pick the fucking kid up you can't stop talking about your goddamn hangover kids remember that

and what a horace mom was being at that party not really but kids remember that shit kids remember that those little things and then when they're 16 it's that time to get asked do you want to drink why wouldn't they their fucking hero drinks right

why wouldn't they why wouldn't they would you be upset if your kid at 16 sort of smoking weed? I don't know. I don't know. I'd have to see what was the purpose. Who was she smoking?

What was the situation? You know, I don't know. I think the scary part is, is like, you're right. The parents are definitely their heroes. But especially now, with everyone on, like, all the TV shows and everything online,

they have 10 heroes, 15 heroes. No, but it's different, too. You got a kid, they don't fucking give a fuck to. It's a Superman. With Superman when I was a fucking kid, too. Yeah, please. The problem is that I just

I see the kids that I grew up with that their parents were like drinkers and I see the kids that their parents that didn't drink and now I'm taking mental notes about my situation. Number two, my situation was completely different. When I was five, I went to P.A.L.

And they take you over and show you about drugs. And what they didn't show me, my motherfucker showed me, okay? My mother took it out and showed me at the fucking house. said, you see this shit, you don't do this shit. The actual drugs? Oh, yeah, my mom had weed at the house, Coke, you know, the whole fucking deal. I was too, my mom, my mom made all her mistakes with, like, letting on that she was into drugs with my sister, and I was too young.

So I didn't know until, like, later on, but that's crazy. Like, I had no idea what drugs were. I had no idea what anything was until I was way older. It's so weird that then you have kids that their mother's on crack were dope. And the kids take care of them. And they live their life because they've already seen the other side of the young age. So there's two sides to that coin. You follow me?

I'm not accusing. No, yeah. I don't think that. Yeah, I don't think there's nuance with everybody and everybody reacts to the world differently. I'm just talking about light everything, you know, the word party. And what all these things become in your house when you're talking in front of your child? Yeah. You know, I saw how they affected me.

I saw all those words. Those green lights affected me. You know, there's a reason why some kids smoke when they're 12, and some kids like leave smoke in college for the first time. There's a reason for that, bro. And you have to decide what you want. Let me ask you a question. You one of those guys that wants to smuggle you with your son when he's 13 in front of your buddies.

I mean, I'm hoping that my kid... And you're kids come over and they listen to your stories. I smoke out with Cheech one time. Tell us more, Mr. Gomez. Go fuck yourself. Nobody wants to be that guy. No. No.

And to be honest with you, I want my son to hopefully never want to alter his reality. I'm hoping that he's in a, you know, wants to, you know, he's just fucking, you know, the ideal, you know, thing is you raise your kid in a world where they just want to fucking, you know, they love every moment of life that you've created for them. But, you know, that's just not, it's not, I guess not over the case. I mean, look, will my kid probably smoke weed one day? Yeah. Probably, yeah. Keep talking. I'm just opening the door.

It's getting smoky up in this month. Fuck, yeah, yeah. I'm smoking a joint. That's why. Sorry, guys. No, no, no, go. Getting to fucking baked in here. But, yeah, and that's like,

look, dude, I don't know, man, that's kind of tough to deal with thinking about that. That's the other thing is, like, the stupid shit we stay on podcasts and, like, the crazy shit. Like, that's part of, like, you know, doing this set where you go, like, I'm going to have to explain to my son one day

some of the stupid shit I've said and, like, hey, it's a joke. He's going to have to understand the nuance of what that joke is, especially growing up in a world where it's very much like geared towards social justice and, you know, being a liberal. And, you know, he's going to a private school. And it's very much like, dude, they didn't interview with his mom. They were like, what are your thoughts on social justice? What are the most important issues with you? Like, that is part of the curriculum at this point.

And I'm going to have to explain to my kid one day, the fucking, you know, the words that I use and the shit that I say. And that's something that I haven't even completely put together how I'm going to do yet. you know no you burn that bridge when you get to you're always thinking about them you're always looking at them you're loving them and you're thinking when the day you have to talk to him about this or that you're hoping that day never comes but you still want to talk about it yeah you want to see where they fucking stand you know uh you learn two things when you grow up without a parent or with a parent you learn so much as a kid you watch your friends and you see how their parents act and in your neighborhood

you look at your people that you grew up with and you know the type of parent you want to be you see what the results were I'm 55 I grew up with kids that are really fucking successful

and I think about why and I you know and it's very easy they came from strong fucking houses and they do drugs and they did everything you know they were right there snort and coke with me

but their house and the bricks was so fucking solid that they never forgot who the fuck they weren't You follow me? And then I got other guys that just went off the fucking deep end. And never came back. Or they're coming back now.

Or they're still fucking running this game. And I know what they would treat it like. You know, so I'd rather go with the, what the fuck is going on out there. All of a sudden, we're dying in here, smoke inhalation. I opened the fucking door, and all of a sudden it's fucking fast and furious. Meets fucking live PD out there. So it's up to you. You look at your child and you know what you want for your fucking child.

What the fuck do I want? Do I want them in this mix? Do I need this shit? You know, if you expose your child and play it off, like, this is fucking cool. And this is, you know, listen, it's still against the fucking law. Okay? There's still places. So it's up to you.

It's at that time you got to make the call. Yeah. I got to get out of there and stop smoking around the back. She's going to be seven one day. She already looks at my hands when I come back from the back. Oh, really? She senses something. She ain't fucking stupid.

You don't think she fucking smells in my office? She don't look at my drawers. There's no edibles in my drawers. I got shells. She can never reach the edibles. You know what I'm saying? Whatever else I put in a fucking safe, nobody can find fucking regards, you know?

So I don't want her to bump into shit into the drawer. There's no vapor pens in the drawer. What she has access to, there's nothing. those draws. And you try your best, brother. That's all you can do. I mean, you don't want your kid doing drugs or being a fuck-up early on, you know?

I believe that every kid's going to do what they're going to do. I was going to do, I was destined to do what I was going to do. I grew up on a ball. I saw the good and bads. I grew up with people who snorted coke. I saw people shoot heroin when I was a kid.

I had a bunch of options. And I took my chances as well, knowing the consequences, ended up in prison, still kept fucking around. Do you really learn? I mean, when the fuck do you learn? So you have to live your life, and at one point you have to cut the ambivocal cord from your child. But while you have the ambivocal cord, you lay the best bricks that you can lay. That's the only way I can see it now in my age and what I've seen, you know?

Yeah, I agree. I mean, I think it's I think people don't put enough thought into kind of what that means. You know, I think even you look at like,

you look at like kids menus at restaurants, dude. It's the shittiest fucking food in the world. Like, it's just like, just at a baseline, we're like, ah, give them fucking, you know, macaroni and cheese. Chicken nuggets. You know what I'm saying?

They kill them. It's a very weird thing. opposite. It's like, and you see like when I went to my kids, or an orientation for the parents at this private school, and dude, it was like college. It reminded me of like when I went to college, my first year of college, or my second year of college, they did this big orientation. They make this big fucking deal. And this is kindergarten that he's gone into. And, you know, I was like, in my mind, I'm going, this is actually the way it should be. It should be a much bigger deal to go into kindergarten than we're kind of making it. And I think people, we push them into

do a system that, you know, sit at a desk, you know, act this way, react this way, that person's the boss. If you don't learn this way and you can't learn this way, then you're, you know, you're a problem child. It's kind of fucked up, you know, and that's like, yeah, I don't know. I mean, look, the fact that we're even having a conversation and, you know, we care enough to fucking talk about it and think about it and do whatever we can do about it means that we're doing way better than my fucking mom, you know, ever did or, you know,

I don't know, your whole situation, but, yeah, it's fucking, I almost feel like, We should put, you know, my son's mother, I got blessed her because I don't know, man. If I had a fattier chick to have a child with, you know, I might have a dude, I had an ex that was a fucking lunatic. If I would have had a kid with her, oh my God. I think about this every day of my life. Like, if I would have had a fucking, dude, I was, oh, dude, I was hitting it raw. I was doing whatever. It was crazy.

And I think about how much I would have, because I love my son. There's no way I could, like, abandon my child. But the reality is, dude, I don't know. This chick was so bad that, like, I don't know how I would deal with it. But my son's mother, she's such a good fucking chick, and she cares so much about what he eats and what he puts in his body and, like, fucking, the type of education he has. She makes it kind of easy on me. You know what I'm saying?

She makes me very conscious about it. But it's like, I didn't get any of that shit when I was a fucking kid, dude. When I was a kid, they fucking, dude, they threw me into a fucking school. And they were like, all right, figure it the fuck out. My mom was so, I look at what it is to be a parent now. what my mom fucking did. And it's like, God damn it, dude,

she didn't do anything. I don't think I ever remember once in my entire life being read to. I don't remember ever being read to, ever. Just crazy. That's fucking crazy.

Brother. You just don't remember. Brother, I'm telling you. I don't, I remember. Your mom's Spanish? No, white. I'm half Puerto Rican and half Italian Irish.

And my mom was Italian Irish. My mom still alive? No, my mom died when she was 22. How was your relationship? not good how old were you when she passed I was 22 oh you were 22

oh you were 20 yeah she was uh I don't know what was she like 40 something I don't know How was your relationship but a grown up Not really good Yeah

No not yeah not great What she do for a limb She was a hairdresser But she really was I mean she wasn't She was like She was like I don't want to sound mean You know what I'm saying

Because I feel like I'm shitting I'm shitting on the dead And I'm shitting on my mom But she just wasn't fucking very motivated. What I find important in a person, you know what I'm saying, in a quality person, you know, in terms of what they do, you know, and how they, how they conduct themselves. She didn't live her life that way. You know what I'm saying? So she, you know, she collected welfare and Section 8 and, you know, she did drugs and she, you know, she wasn't really motivated to,

you know, kind of like pull herself out of that, you know? And I'm, and you're, you know, People are different. Like, they either, you know, they kind of emulate what their parents do. They go the opposite direction. And I went very hard the opposite direction. Very hard. Like, my mom was fucking, you know, brutally abusive, violent, like, fucking emotionally abusive, like, really, really fucked up. How old was her and, how old were you when they split?

Or were they together? Well, no, my dad, my dad was murdered when I was four years old. He was, yeah, he was stabbed to death. No, yeah, that's all right. Yeah, my dad was murdered when I was a little. kid. Yeah. So.

Yeah, it was fucking tough, dude. Yeah, it wasn't a great life, you know. And what part of New York was this in? This was in Patterson, New Jersey. Yeah, which is fucking, like, ghetto. Yeah, it's ghetto. Yeah, people know, people don't, you know, people don't know, like, Jersey.

Jersey doesn't sound ghetto. People don't get it, you know? No, it's very, you go to pocket for Jersey. Let me tell you something. Yeah, it's fucking. I'm not one of those type of dudes But those East Orangees Those Passaic

Camden You go out of there fucking around You get shot, bro Yeah Oh yeah You know, you get shot My dad was stabbed to death From the streets of Patterson, New Jersey

Patterson, it's a It's a fucked up situation out there I used to go to Patterson To eat And that's where the docks are Right? From what we're showing them, isn't it? I'm not sure.

There's something in Patterson I used to do. But when I was a fucking kid, there was his Puerto Rican dude, they used to call him Baniawa. Wait a man, that was my father. Imagine? I was waiting on, oh my God. We're finding out right now.

Boniawa was the dude that implicated my mother the last time she got pinched. Oh, shit. Before she died. He was a Puerto Rican dude at a bar in Patterson. And he called the bar phone and asked for Coke, and the bar phone was tapped. Motherfuck.

So they arrested him. He didn't run on my mother, but they had the tapes or some shit. He got thrown out. Something happened. I got thrown out. But fucking Patterson's a scary place. Patterson Eastside and high school. Yeah, my mom went to high school for like a few months,

and that was where she went to high school. It's a fucking school, bro. Fair Eastside. That movie? Patterson Eastside. Patterson Kennedy. Yeah. There was a couple

Patterson. How many Kennedy schools do they have in New Jersey? They're everyone. Also, my mom was a habitual liar, so I bet that was a lie. That she went there. She told me she knew Madonna.

She was a fucking liar. Anyway, keep on going on going on. I swear to you know Madonna. I swear to you know she knew Madonna. She didn't even go beyond that. She was a shitty storyteller, too. Where's,

speaking of fucking shitty storytellers, where's my man Tony Bennett around here somewhere? I'm going to spark about. another joint. Do what you need to do, brother. Do what you need to do. There we go. We're going fucking deep, baby. Deep. Monday to 15th. I feel the mushrooms.

Yeah, I'm feeling a little fucking... I want to be around to pick up the pieces. I can do another little piece of mushroom. If we're going to do it, we're going to do it, right? Let's go. Lee, you're in. Let's leave. A little piece. Oh, come on, guys. You have a guest. You have a guest.

Come on, man. I only come here once every few months. All right, all right. We'll wrap of the star. Let's pick a nice piece here. Like gentlemen. Oh shit, Lee. Look at Uncle George to give you. Because he loves you. To be true, he blasted. You used to do with me.

Lee's face is priceless. There has to be a fucking video montage of Lee reactions to fake smiling, having to eat weed and mushrooms. I'm glad you finally finally. see how he does it Oh my God We're getting crazy here The church of what's happening now

You said we're doing like a little bit You're cutting the 18 things I'm trying to put it together A little fucking peace Take a chance There you go Doug Is that for me or for Lee? That's for Lee Lee Lee

Let's see what happens there Lee Lee It's like an ice cream sandwich Look at this little one for you Oh that's beautiful right there It's like a nipple It's a beautiful fucking thing

It looks like a nipple Delicious Lee You're a liar. Let's see if the puzzle literally like this, look, Lee. Let's see if the puzzle fits. Are you on a star?

You want another one? Oh, yeah. Sure. You know how we get this fucking done here. I want to give a big shout out to one of my main men, Mr. Dick Siyat, over there running shit in South Florida. I want to thank my man, Scott Cunningham,

putting the party together. Johnny Utah. Max Justice, Federico Diaz, Ray Viscis, Tony Herland, Josh Garcia, and James Michael. Ray, Roy, R-I-V-C, something like that. I don't fucking know.

You know I love you. I got high. I fucked up my boy's song. Out of West New York, New Jersey. My boys were going to put them on tonight. And I fucking wrote the fucking thing. I can't fucking went through the paper. So I put it on fucking Wednesday for you savages.

You know, I love you motherfuckers. It's a little band out of fucking West New York. A couple fucking Ricans, couple Cubans. They got a fucking Guatemalan on the organ. I don't fucking know. Go, Lee. Let's do this. This is for all the money right now.

It's going to meet my mic, sorry, I got it. Don't wear it by nothing. Martin Luther King had a dream, Lee. That's right, Lee. Lee, don't even bite it. Just drop it and put the water over it. Lee. Lee, Jesus Christ.

Lee, pretend it's an ad. I do. That's what I'm trying to do. It's together. Just put it in your mouth. Don't chew it. Put it in your mouth and drink the water right behind it. That's what you were doing.

That's what you eat at Advil. You put an adful in your mouth and then spit it back into your hand? You know, when you get locked up, they do a statistic thing on you. It's called whatever the fuck it's called. When you first get to prison, they do the diagnostic. Swallowly, go, like a soldier. There you go. Look at him. He's joking.

Swallow that thing. Like a soldier. This is what I'm talking about. See how easy it is? Well, you do a diagnostic, and they break you down pretty much. They ask you questions about your family and alcoholism and drug use. And I wonder what the statistics are of children who come from a home where, you know, broken home, a broken home. I mean, all of them. Come on. All of them.

A broken home. No, no, no. How many people do you think are in front? prison. I mean, an almost immeasurable amount that didn't have some sort of issue at home. I mean, where it was just straight up two loving parents that grew up. I mean, I'm sure it's the exceptions. There's exceptions that I'm sure it exists. But even those people, I'd have to fucking look deep into what happened there because I would assume they were getting fucked by their uncle or some shit like that, you know. But I mean, you look at that, dude.

I mean, you look at like violent crime, dude. There's always fucking, the, Father being out of the picture is a very, very big part of it. I know they do studies about, like, kids not being read to. They do studies about, you know, kids fucking being exposed to violence, being spanked, being, you know, even the threat of violence at a very early age, them going on to, you know, being violent later on their life. There's a lot of different thing. And we only fucking have this information now. We just start having the Internet. In 50 years, we're going to figure all this shit out.

A hundred years. We know it. All right. Let me break it down for you. The first fist fight I saw that I didn't know what was going on was my stepfather. And then shortly after that I got hit in the hell with a lunchbox in Central Park. And that was traumatizing as fuck. But I was also traumatized.

Hold on, this fucking, you open up the goddamn window. I was also traumatized at the age of three, but that to my father. It always fucked me out of my. comes back to harm me, even because I don't remember them. I remember, like, one or two things. But my stepfather, A, was violent, B, weapons all over the fucking house, you know, C, the drug use. I know my mom was into shit, you know, my stepfather didn't do dick, just all these variables. And I sit here sometimes and I go, why don't I, why don't I, why am I in love with weapons?

there's so many questions I ask myself so much you know like why don't I like alcohol what is my deal that I don't like to taste alcohol and I get sick and that whole scene just fucks me with me from time to time I went to a couple Christmas parties

I went to bars it was great but I didn't want to sit there for four fucking hours you know right it just wasn't who the fuck I was like I have like I ask myself on a daily why I don't fucking love weapons at this age and buy a ton of weapons

with what I was exposed to you know what I was exposed to you know what I'm saying as a kid yeah so I mean you had your own shit you know you went you went to jail for a violent crime I mean it was like you know

it's not like that didn't affect you I think I don't know I'm no fucking expert but if you weren't raised in that environment do you think you would have went to jail for a violent crime later on in life I don't think so I think that that's very much affected who you were and I think I was

always headed for the can You think so? I think so. I was always headed for the can. I always had that demeanor. I was always headed to the can. I think about what is the excuse that? My mother died.

That's why I went to the can. Let's pretend my mother was alive. 1980 would have came. I would have stayed at the house. One way or another, I would have gotten to cocaine. It was just in my future. It was too much there. I see it on your face now.

It's amazing. It's amazing how we were the crime target. We were the first light generation that cocaine came and swept us off our feet. And again, I do a personal, what's that, not a survey, a census. I do a census of my friends. And I do a census of the people who grew up with families

and the people who grew up with one mother in the house and the people whose father died. And you know what? Yeah, they all did drugs for a time being. But they also, I one point got it together. You know what I'm saying? Are you with me? I am, but I think there's still the people that don't get it together and I think

a lot of them I don't know. I guarantee their studies. I guarantee their studies. But it's like, I don't know, man, it's like I feel bad, dude, I grow, you know, I live in Harlem now and it's very gentrified at this point.

I live in a pretty nice block. In New York City right now, like if you go to Harlem and people that don't live in New York, I think they hear Harlem and they go, oh shit, you know. But Holland is very, like, nice and it's very gentrified, meaning there's fucking white people there now. If you see one out of every three people are white, you're living in a nice neighborhood in New York City now.

That's like a good kind of measuring stick, right? And, yeah, I think, oh, fuck, I forget the point I was making. Fuck! You don't forget a lot of things to do that. I'm so far. I mean, we are fucking. I mean, just to play devil's advocate, and we're all doing drugs. There's no judgment here.

But isn't it just like, like, there's a way. I was very lucky. For the most part, I had a very good childhood. There was some issues, like any family. But, uh, I don't know, like, just looking at the way my, especially my mom, she was very no nonsense about any of that. She was a kid, and she did probably smoke weed and maybe, I mean, I don't know. Uh, she'll say no. But, like, she would never bring me to a casino, like one of those, like, something like that. So, like, do you guys think that at, at a point, there's all, like, it's just what we, want to deal like our own personal things. There's a way we have to raise the kids,

but everyone has certain things that they deal with. And they make their own choices. You know, I'm going to enroll with my daughter in sports. You know, that's a given. You know, and she likes all that shit, so it's going to be easy. You know, I was showing her jiu-jitsu tonight, and she was digging it. There was a picture of me, the teacher today put up at Alberto Cranes. And she goes, Daddy, that's you.

You're a jih Tzu-s at her. And I go, you ever want to go over there? And she's like, maybe. You know, so she goes swimming. She's gymnastics. She goes to fucking ballet. She's got a recital on Valentine's Day. You know, the whole fucking deal.

But you literally, you're naming fucking everything. It's not even a debate. You're not, you know. They're not growing up. And we, I don't know, I don't know if I agree with you that you would have went to prison no matter what. You would have done cocaine. Yeah, I knew it. I knew it.

No, I knew. Brother, you know, we, you have no ideas. You know, look, I think it's fucking. We got bombarded. I'm not, this is, again, I'm not playing a victim of Lysayat or Lewis. I'm not playing the victim here. Yeah. I'm telling you that, think of being 16 today in California.

Today, in California, think of being 16. You got a little mustache, you got a little cute girlfriend that's a junior, right or wrong. You're banging weed. I'll stay there for a minute. You're banging weed, right? You're smoking weed. Let's say you were selling weed in high school You're the cool guy

Right now weed is legal Right now if you're 18 You're living in fucking heaven I know I wouldn't be If I just turned 18 and weed just went legal And the way I like marijuana I would be in fucking heaven Just

I don't even know my fucking point is Yes I do The point is the way that we This 18 year olds and the 15 year olds Are getting surrounded with fucking legal marijuana is the way my generation got swarmed with cocaine.

It hit hard, bro. I still remember being at that age 16, 17, and noticing that a lot of people were fucking doing it at that high school. A lot of kids in Atlanta, we were right there, we were right there, you know. You're from Patterson. You're 20 minutes from the fucking,

Right. Lincoln Tong. I'm fucking seven minutes on Lincoln Donald. You know, by the time I was a junior in high school, I was already cop and coke in the city. I had two spots. What's a junior in high school? 17 years old. It was a way different... I see the people.

Even when I was in high school, I didn't really know people doing coke. No, me either. We got bombarded in a way that you wouldn't believe it. Yeah. And then Ozzy Osbourne with the blizzard of Oz, snowblind, And then Scarface came out in 1983. And that was the beginning of the end. And that's literally all the tenets of your personality.

What's that? Scarface, Ozzy Osbourne. You know, it hit us so hard. The cocaine culture hit so hard. And then it just kept topping itself. Freebase. So people started freebase. Then all of a sudden there was crack cocaine.

Then there was this. Then people were shooting it. It came at you from so many directions that so many of us got gripped. It was inevitable, inevitable, because there was so much. We've seen it go from $100 in front of us, a gram, to people coming to the house going, hey, man, how are you doing? Lewis, I haven't seen you in a long time. I ask you a person, can you move Coke?

And you're like, Joey does it, Lee does it, I guess. I'm going to leave you a kilo. I'll come back on like a month. Just give me what you have. And you're like, I would be dead in two days. That's. That's what it became. By 1984, it was everywhere.

Everywhere. You went to a club in the city. It was on tables. People snorting. It was everywhere. Every chick wanted to do it. Everybody was sniffling. Everybody was sniffling.

That's it. People were walking around and, you know, acting very monagetre. They were the cool generation now. That's it. Asa disappeared. Fucking THC. Crystal disappeared, Reef had disappeared, and a whole new generation came on. Fucking cocaine and quailudes.

Straight up, gangster. Straight up. I'm 17 years old. And there's a way to make money off these ludes. You get them for $2,000 and you're selling for four. You know how long, 100 quailudes last year when I was a senior junior high school? Three hours. Three hours.

By the time you got them on 38th Street, you walk to 76th Street, and you made strategic stops, They'd begun. That's how fast. Yeah. My culture, my neighborhood, got so bombarded with cocaine because all the Cubans were in Union City. It was right there.

Union City becomes North Berger. That's it. It was right there. I still remember going to apartments on 22nd of New York Avenue and where people were fucking stash pads. Union City became a fucking stash pad. That's where they were crossing over the tunnel, put it in Union City, and shoot it out.

Eventually, they moved it out to Jersey City and, you know, places where you could just mix. The people who were doing it with Spanish, so you got to mix. But that's a very interesting area. It's a very interesting generation. It was a very interesting couple of months. I saw the cocaine take over. I saw it coming. I was right there.

I heard about it for years. You heard about mumblings that somebody's dad did it. Now, my mom did it. I knew since I was a kid. I always knew that. I never messed with it. It was a different world.

I made believe she didn't do it. In my little world, I may believe she didn't do it, and I didn't see it. My mom told me one time she did Coke when I was like eight, and I got really upset. Yeah, you got upset.

I saw the rings around my mother's color. No, she didn't tell me she did it that night. She told me she had done it in the past. Right, no. And I got really upset. And the funny, she was trying to, like, let me know she had to, but I, that at that, I, I really resented her for not telling me she did drugs. Like, she was a heroin addict, you know?

So, and I shouldn't have, because of the way I reacted, I just fucking wasn't ready for it. And I get it, dude. Like, you don't want to fucking, I just disappoint your kid like that. You know, we're talking about, like, breaking into our kids about, you know, smoking weed, you know, or, you know, fucking, with, like, telling your kids you're a heroin addict. That's another fucking level. you know. I'm going to have to tell my daughter I went to prison. I smoked weed. I was divorced. She has a half a sister. You know, I got to lay all this stuff down. But if I was Lee right now, I'd be pulling my hands out of my head. That's why Lee's bald. I don't think about it. I deal with it when it pops up and I make a fucking decision. If I sat mercy down right now at the age of five and told her what I did, she don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. She can't even correlate my mother and father. She doesn't have a grandparents on the other. aside.

There's so many things she can't put together. He started to understand. This is what I told me the other day because he knows his grand, he met his grandpa Sid and he, you know, he died. That's his mom's father. And all his other grandparents are dead. So he understands that

his grandpa said passed away. And he understands that that's dying, but he doesn't really get what that means. He doesn't and you want to keep medicine. You don't want to fucking. No, no, no. No. No. Explain. And every fucking Disney movie, it opens up with the scene of the father getting murdered. or the mother.

Bambi was the mother. Originally it was Bambi, the mom got murdered, but then it turned into the dad. Fucking Lion King, good dinosaur. Oh, yeah. Spoiler alert. Interesting.

Yeah, super early in the fucking movie. And then I got to watch it with my kid and not cry like a baby in front of him. I watch all those movies and cry in front of him. She don't give a fuck. She just looks at me and giggles and says, Oh, Daddy. Oh, daddy.

It's fucking crazy. No, no. I mean, Doug, why can I tell my daughter? I sit here with you. We got 2,000 hours of us talking about finger-banging and eating chicks out with Coke rocks. I need my daughter to go on iTunes when she's 18, listen to this shit.

No. So what I do do is I do write a journal from my daughter. And sometimes I write in it twice a month. Sometimes it's just a page of time. No big fucking 8. page, just a page, what I'm feeling, what I'm seeing in her, what I want for her, little things, what your day should be like, don't be a fucking promiscuous dirty whore. That's like every other sentence.

That's how every other paragraph starts. Don't suck dick to your 29. That's like the little notes at the bottom of each page. Like you have a special separate note about, you know, the ingredients. Watching out for a men like us. Like a sushi restaurant. And they have an asterisk. If you eat raw food, it's on your own.

Same fucking deal. No, no, no. I'm just writing to her. Because if something happens to me, I don't want it to have any fucking misconceptions like I did. I don't know much about my father. There's a guy in Miami telling me my father got shot. For years, I read the autopsies,

I saw the newspaper articles, I heard the stories from my mom, I heard the stories from her friends. He died of a heart attack. He was snorting heroin. There's always something. So I don't... To this day, I got two options. could go to Cuba, how higher a boat to go to Cuba, and decompose his body and see if he's got a hole in his head.

What is wrong with people? So I can just let it go. What are you going to do? You want me to fucking go to a psychiatrist and open up fucking wounds? I don't have time to bleed right now. I'm too old. I got a short window and I got a fucking raise a child. Also, you know, we fucking, I think people, my son's mother used to be obsessed with me, like going to a therapist.

And I've been in therapy recently, and it's good. It is. but like we do when you're doing podcast saying you're writing jokes I think writing jokes is the most fucking therapeutic thing in the world you're talking about dark shit on stage

and you're trying to find funny shit and like really dark fucked up shit that is your that is the most therapeutic way to explore something that's fucking like I talk about my I don't want to talk about my mom's death yet I will though I got it I have to obviously

I talk about my dad's death but But yeah, I mean, I think like that's, you know, I don't think there's, sorry guys, my mushrooms are starting to really kick in. So I apologize. I was the plan. Shit. We'll drop the knowledge on this motherfucker. But no, I feel like that's like, um.

But also as you're raising your son. That's been way more therapeutic than anything else. You know what's therapeutic? When you look at your son and you're raising them your way and you think of. little things how your mom raised you. You ever take them to the park and you're looking at them? And for two minutes you get this memory of you

and what you were going through at that age. You get that. I get that. All the time. I get that all the time. Oh, it's fucking brutal. You re-live. You touch and relive your childhood. Well, that's the thing right now. Five is the age, right? Five is the age because that's when I start to really remember having a memory.

Like a real memory. This is why Lee you're saying like, oh, five they don't get it. No, no, they get it, dude. Think back to your first memories, dude. You were five. you were in kindergarten. You remember of kindergarten. You remember going to fucking kindergarten every day. You remember thinking the way. I remember thinking, you know, very cognitively, very like, I remember looking at the world like it was the world.

It wasn't like Candyland and fucking Muppets. It was the fucking world, you know. And that, I always kind of like made a weird thing. I was like when, as soon as my kid was old enough to have a memory, I wanted to make sure that I was like doing shit. You know what I'm saying? Like I had at least some shit going on. It wasn't like, you have to grow up being, like, poor. and like without like toys and like you know

that's fucking like you know the worst I grew up okay she gave me a lot of love you know that's one thing she gave me a lot of love she taught me lessons she punched me in a head a few times she was brutally honest with me which I really appreciate and I appreciate

that I that's probably the reason why I am why I am with people you know I try to be brutally honest to fuck it you know life is too short. She spoiled me. And that's why I'm telling you. I was always destined for jamming because she spoiled me. I was ruined. I was ruined

at the age of 15. I already knew I could make money slinging. I hit the number. Eight months before my mother died, I hit the number on my birthday. And I took half of it. I gave a piece to my mother, a piece to the bookie.

I put a piece in the bank and I took how much did you win? $5,000. Oh, nice. And I took the money and I fucked that. Like, what do you say hit the number? Is that like pick four? No, no, no. With a bookmaker.

What does that mean? I don't know. Like, you go into the Bronx and you bet three numbers. $604, $5 gets you $2,500. Okay, so it's just like the state lottery. It's just fucking, fuck the state. Fuck the state. You go into the Bronx.

I think I went $2,500. I gave the book of a $500 tip. I gave my mother. Why? What? Why does he get a $500 tip? You always get a $500. the book of your private amount of tip because you have them on the tab most of the year.

Not only that, that's the way it is when you had a number. Jesus Christ. But the moral story is I took that money. And in those days, there was this guy named Joe. And I used to buy four ounces of weeds from him for $100. And I would double my money constantly. And once I started making money from the weed at 15, I started getting mescaling from this guy named Lefty. And I would get little hits of Messing.

That's always the guy named Lefty who's got mescaline. to get 100 hits from $85. Pro, you sell those for $3 a piece. Yeah. And then lefty started flaking on me. So I took my actions to East Trousburg, Pennsylvania. There's a college there, Pennsylvania, whatever. And I started copping there.

That was the heavy shipment. They were bringing me ups, black beauties, fucking diet pills. You could snort them and get all fucked up. But their specialty was acid and stuff. And I made a lot of money doing it. that. So I had realized at 17 that you don't need to work. That's not a good thing to realize at the age of 17. Okay, so I'm telling you from experience, see, I wouldn't both smoke up here, as I was going to do time somewhere along the line.

If you know my personality, I'm going to push the envelope until I get caught and then I'll figure it out. I'll push the envelope. That's what comedians do. We push the envelope. Then we push the envelope. Then We figure it the fuck out a little bit. So it was what I was doing then. So I was always destined for it. I'm very lucky instead of getting 28 years that I got four. Do you follow me? It was always going to be a crap shit.

All right, Joey. Here you go. Here's the dice. Go. It could have been 12 or it could have been two years. It hit me with four. I took him like a man. It paid for my sins.

And I started all over again. Don't get me wrong. I slipped a few times after that. But after then I got my shit together, when I stole the Christmas tree, I paid the money for it a year later. I always tried to cover my fucking bets after that, man. And the comedy saved me. The comedy saved that criminal. And then I took the criminal mentality and put it into my comedy.

Of course. And that's where it's the same thing. It's the same fucking thing. You know, we talked about sales before on the show, but it's all, it all comes down to that formula. And you could figure out how to make that work for, you know, for whatever you decide to do. It just happens to work really, really well for comedy. You know, that's,

um, yeah, um, yeah, uh, comedy, yeah, I did, yeah,

there's a comedy. There we go. So, eat those mushrooms. The cops are coming and eat those mushrooms. Like, and you eat the mushrooms. You're way better than I am.

Yeah, you like them. You don't, you like them. I'll test positive for fucking. I moved to, I moved to New York, uh,

from the suburbs when I was like, uh, 19 and I sort of, promoting for a comedy club and I started making like $500 a week selling comedy club tickets on the street and that's literally what saved my life

because I was just doing whatever I could do $500 a week when I was 18 years old was like a fucking like it was like a million dollars my mom never made more than $200 a week a million dollars a week ago that is a million dollars in your 19 that was fucking crazy you walk around you're tipping Chinese waiters

oh yeah I thought dude I was like well fuck Jack dude I was crushing it okay and I fucking and yeah and I was willing to do whatever at that point I had no like moral compass so I would steal I would fucking cheat I would do I would do whatever it was dude I you know I got caught up in some shit and I almost it just happened to be that I answered an ad to start selling comedy club tickets and it made me five hundred dollars a week it was just it was actually easier to make that five hundred dollars a week selling comedy club tickets than it was to go and do the bullshit I was doing to me I wasn't making a lot I wasn't hustling at a high level. You know what I'm saying? I was hustling like on a five. I was like stealing sneakers from models. And I got a friend who had the thing that took the things, the, uh, the tags off. So we'd steal like four or five pair of sneakers and sell them at the pizzeria. I mean, it's like stupid shit.

This is like the worst garbage shit. But it's a covey is spread. Of course, got weed. It's by getting fucking weed and gas money. It's a little lunch. What is it about pizzerias? My thing. What do you mean?

You with a Nick the Greek? What do you mean? Nick the Greek with your, with the jewelry. Yeah. Theeera owners are shady people. If you ever meet a person who owns a pizzeria, I promise you that's not the only thing they do. They have some other fucking crazy cover.

God, I have no idea. Okay. Look into their eyes. Look into a pizzeria owner's eyes. They got fucking darkness behind their eyes. Nikki pizza. Nicky fucking pizza. I tortured that guy for five years.

Nikki pizza, though. But I was loyal. I was a loyal soldier. Yeah. I stuck it out with Nikki Pizza. But we caused havoc in that, though. I got to run and take a piss, guys. I'm sorry.

I never forget being in there one night and two dudes got into a fight. And one, that's when he used to put the full container with mozzarella cheese. The sugar ones filled. And they start, like, going like this. And the one guy finally took the fresh pepper

and threw it to him. This guy took the parmesan through to him. And all of a sudden it was a cheese fighting there with parmesan cheese. The place was covered. Get up. Let's do it. Go pee. Oh, yeah.

I don't know to hear this now. No, no, no, I really want to hear this now. No, that's it. They just had a fucking huge, bro. I thought the owner of the pizzeria was going to come out with a gun and shoot people in the head. No, no, Nicky. Because they're dark fucking people. Nicky, Nicky Pizza was a degenerate gambler.

Yeah. Which meant that if you were hungry one day and you went there at three and there was a sign to be back at 4.30, he was at the metal answer. And there's a good chance he might not come back. No, he always came back. He always came back, bro. That was Nicky pizza. He came back in time for dinner? He was in Greek.

He always came back. How pissed were you, though, when he wasn't there at three? Because that's like right after school. he must have been starving. Let me tell you son. When you went there at 3 o'clock and Nikki Pizza was closed, bro, you threw a fucking small fit

because you were stoned and you were counting on that ham cheese and he was going to put it on the tab. He had a tab. You did not have a tab at high school. Yes, we did. I had a tab at Nick's Pizza. Jesus.

Hashways. The Chinese store, the Chinese store by 38th Street, the Dragon Grocery. I had a tab in there for a while. Okay. I had a tab at the Spick store.

Okay. On 38th Street and fucking Liberty Avenue. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. You ran tabs and you paid them on Friday. You didn't need fucking have money on you at all times. If you played basketball, I didn't have, I also had a tab at the fucking place around the corner from the basketball court when I was a kid.

They sold iced tea and lemonade and orange juices and those, you know, like regular milk containers. Oh, got you. Only the 16-ounce ones, remember those? When iced teas first came out. Oh, the big ones. They came out in a 16-ounce... Nests?

Way before Nests-T. Okay. This was like a fucking mom-and-pop dairy land. They would make this lemon ice tea that was delicious. It hit the spot, and they also made fruit punch or something, and we would go around the corner from 38th Street basketball courts. You walked up about 50 yards. and right before you hit that body shop there

there was a fucking a little joint there that sold you those you know they they sold them to truck companies would come pick up the juices it was like a juice company so how much of a tab did you have going every week do you have like a hundred bucks every like

no no the dragon the dragon the Chinese place all right let's lighten the mood the Chinese place I would only front from on Sundays when my mother was alive. Once my mother died, I never fronted him again. Because my mother would stop in there and pay the tap

on the way up the hill to the bar. And then the Spick Store, once I got out of it, because he used to make steak sandwiches on Friday. So it was basically for Fridays. And then I had the hashways. My tab was there until 1983. And then I had another tab in 94. You could run your tab up to about 50.

bucks and turkey sandwiches, potato salad. I would go pick up shit on at the local like deli of my mom's tab for her. I'd pick up cigarettes. When I was like seven, I was allowed to pick up cigarettes for my mom. With a note. Not even a note. Not even a note. It was a note. It was a note. You had to have a note from your mother that would give you cigarettes. That's crazy. That was it. $1.75 a pack.

Now our favorite 7-Eleven got busted. Did they? Yeah, that's why I don't have cigarettes. For what? Right. Is it 18 or 21, California? I don't know, but I know that. We go to a fucking spot.

I've been going to that 7-Eleven for years. Me and Lee have been busted because it's close to the police station. So nothing's going to go down in there. Nothing never goes down in there. It's close to a police station, like 50 yards. I don't fuck with this one. This one down the corner of here, a magnolia. That's a fucking, somebody's going to get shot in there.

But that one over there is a cool spot, and it's close to the place we hang out of it. the fourth wall. In fact, you got to meet some girl tomorrow night, then Lee. At 7 o'clock. I'll be there at 6, 7, 8. She's a Chinese girl or Asian girl. I just talked to it tonight, the 7-11. She's going to meet you that.

So how long are you in town for? Me? Just till Tuesday. Okay. What are you going to be doing? You're doing? I'm doing Kiltoni tomorrow, but I came because, you know, I run a podcast network, and I do a podcast with Michael Bisping, and we're setting up a video version of

his show so we came out to set up some tech and then we also just signed Lisa Ann to the network who is um she's uh I think she's I don't know the I don't want to fuck up the title but she's the most famous like um you know adult entertainment no adult

but like Milf entertainer okay she she was nailin Palin that was like her biggest like role she played Sarah Sarah Palin but she's fucking really a great broadcaster she's been on serious XM for years uh you know doing um like a Fantasy Sports Radio show.

So, yeah, we're setting up her with a couple of things tomorrow. So just a little... How many podcasts are you personally on? All right. Technically, I'm on four. And Legion of Skanks is your main one. Yeah, I got Legion of Skanks, which is like we just, it's just, it's filthy. We just, we talk about whatever is going on in the world that week, and we really

just try to be as offensive as possible with it, which I think it's really fucking healthy. I think we, I think you need it. I really think you... You got to get it out there. People are pussies. Yeah, you got to get it out there. Yeah. And then I got another one called Realast Podcast,

which is kind of, you know, me just taking a little bit more of a serious take it stuff. And then believe you meet with Michael Bisping. And then I also host the Roastmasters, which is the East Coast version of Roast Battle. So Brian Moses and Jeff Ross, they technically produced the show at the stand that I host it every week, but we have a podcast version of the show.

So that goes out as well. And they're all available on my podcast. Podcast Network. And you're going on the road? Oh yeah. Your girl moved to New York with you now. You're a new man. Yeah, it's the whole thing, dude.

She moved out. Yeah, we were doing long distance for like six months and then, yeah. Good for you, man. You got shit going on, always hustling. Yeah, I'm excited, man. I always read your tweets and shit. Yeah, I'm really pumped, dude. Now we might get you on the fucking Legion of Skanks podcast next month.

No, when you come here in LA, I think I'm home. So just keep on me. Check the website. Keep on the website And I'll let you know what's Greg a lack of brother Fucking really really good time together No I know we do That mushroom was nice

It hit me Oh yeah my stomach Hit me I got the 32 minute mark You almost got me to cry There was a little Like I felt it in my eye And I was like you fucking cock sucker

And I stopped myself Yeah Good But I don't get to be on mushrooms to do that If you just mentioned my mom I'm sorry about that No it's okay I have a mom that passed also

So I know we're coming from. Yeah. And, you know, when you don't have a mom, you grow up a certain way. You grew up tough. Madonna didn't have a mom. A lot of people. Oh, my mom's good friend Madonna?

Yeah, you know, good friend Madonna. That's fucking crazy. And your dad died. He got stabbed him Patterson. Yeah. Yeah, you had a little bit on the kick side. Good for you, man. You pulled out of that.

Yeah. You're not crying the blues. You're 35 now, right? Yeah. You're a good man. If you were going to be hung on heroin, you would have been stung on heroin already. That's it, baby. And you're fucking doing this hospital.

I haven't tried it yet. Good. No, no, no, no. Don't try it. I gave some to leave one night. He thought it was fucking. No, you didn't. Yes, I did.

He thought it was an edible. I gave him a little heroin powder like heroin dust, like the mushrooms time. You should have seen him. He was fucking, he was drooling until this day. He doesn't believe it. I didn't. You didn't ask you. No, you didn't.

Yes, it was a little cookie. I mean, you're not going to test positive now, but. Thank you. You would have. He dose you with heroin. I would love to take a full drug test. It's out of your system. How long does heroin stay in your system? Like a week? Not even.

It is. Three days. It's not bad. Six months. Six months. There's no way he gave me heroin. The only way they do is pulling that one of your head from his beard. Just to see what's in this fucking beard or it'll take a long hair like his pubic hair. Do you know all the time?

How long do you think my pubic hair is Joe? It's not that long. Do you know all the amount of time it takes for drugs to say your system? When I was in the halfway house, you hear rumors. and rumblings, three for cocaine, 30 for THC. Yeah, Coke is three days. That's quick.

In and out. No, but cocaine, in and out. Those metabolites cooking your fucking body. Yeah. So let's pretend you get high on Monday, on Friday night. What are you going to do?

Two bumps? No, you're going to go deep into the... On Monday night? No, Friday night. Kind of fucking animal am I. Yeah, so let's say you get the party started on Friday night. Yeah.

And you go to Saturday morning. You're going to test positive until Tuesday. Yeah. Tuesday at some part of a day, you'll be fine on Wednesday. If you drink water, go for a little run, lift some weights, you know what I'm saying? Help a little bit. Help. Everything helps.

You know what I'm saying? If you sweat, if you have the little THC, I know for a fact. I know that my last stint at the halfway house, I had a joint in my gym. I had a gym I paid $35 for in downtown Boulder at the time. I had a punching bag, weights, a bench, and a cassette day. and three cassettes. Like that's it. I had like YouTube, pyromania, and Kathy Dennis.

And I would go in there at night, take two hits up the joint. It was a thin joint and I go, and I put the joint out, and I get fucking baited. And I hit the bag, and I drink water, and I pee, and I keep doing that.

And I get peed once a week, and I never came back by me. And they always test you for THC. Yeah. One hit a week. It's supposed to be... One hit a week. You can't be a fat fuck like I am now.

I don't think it would work now. This is when I was 20. I think your fat holds on to the TACC or something. I don't know. I read that one time something. Yeah, this is when I was 27, 28. I was doing the halfway house. 90, 89, yeah.

So what was going on was I forced myself to always drink cranberry juice, no soda, and tons of water. I would sit there at night with glass upon glass of water, especially if I did blow. and nothing really worked. I mean, time is the healer of all. I know now they have shit online.

They have shit at head shops that you're clean within minutes. Really? I do not know any about that show. Yes. Get out of town. Clean with it minutes? If you know anything that cleans your urine,

please tweet it to fucking Louis Gomez over here. I don't need to have cleaning urine out. No, no, but find out what it is. But it's interesting. So if somebody ever goes on your podcast, because I like to find out. Yeah, I like to find out what the fuck it is. I would love to know what it is.

If it cleans you urine a minute or you can go and just you drink it or eat it and you know it. When I went home, I had a friend that was on probation and he said he had gotten hit on a Saturday to go pee on a Monday. And he drank one of those and he had another one in his glove compartment. And I go, what is that doing? He goes to mask it. I'll come back clean and he came back clean. My buddy, when I was younger, would take it because he had probation. and he would get, they would check,

and he knew when they were testing him, and he knew exactly every time. And the way it worked is you had to buy, like, fucking three of them. And it was like a bright red liquid. You had to buy him like a vitamin shop. And you had to, you had a,

it was rules about peeing. You couldn't, you had to pee a bunch before. This was you had to, you had to pee a bunch before. Okay, you had to pee and I got to go pee. I got to tell them the store.

Because you had to pee like three or four times before you even took this the morning of. Right. Then you had to chug like fucking, uh, the entire thing. It was like a sugary, crazy.

thing and then your next pee had to be that pee and when you peed it was like a fucking bright like orange color and people were getting popped all the time for it but I don't know if it like cleans your shit maybe maybe that's the same thing that's scary I can't imagine

I know he didn't but how funny it would be of Joe he just abandoned ship he's just like ah I gotta go I know he didn't but uh if he just left yeah if he just left and we just did the show together now the Lee and Lewis show um yeah

I can't imagine. See, that's what I don't understand. Like, it sounds judgmental, and it is, I guess, kind of. But it's just like, if you're on probation and you know what's going to happen, like, why put yourself through that? Why wouldn't you just, I have a buddy who's on probation now. Especially with weed. I get, I get if you're addicted to something really terrible. Yeah.

Look, here's the truth. You know, it's probably good to stop smoking weed every once in a while. Yeah, I did, I did like a week. and it was great. You did a full week? I think I did like six days once when Joey was gone for a while. That's not even impressive. It's not. It must have done in six years. Unremarkable. You cannot see you can even bring that into the conversation.

No. Yeah. And you didn't smoke weed at all before you started hanging out with Joey? I mean, I had smoked occasionally. Yeah. Nothing. Like a full term. But you weren't what the fuck you are today. No. It's a fucking pure beast of a human.

And I've lost it because I was sick for a while so I didn't smoke any bonged. I used to be not terrible on it. Now I'm terrible again. It's interesting. It's interesting what we talked about tonight. I'm happy you fucking came on the podcast. We didn't talk about anything crazy. We talked about raising our kids and what our parameters were.

Yeah. Which, I don't know. I just saw the effect that had on me. And when it came time to making the decision, that was the deal closer. My mom does it. I'll be okay. Yeah. That was the decision all the way through.

You think more kids would die with how it seems so easy to kill a child. Think about this, right? Like my kid, you know, he's a fucking pretty smart kid. And I think about, like, how close his head has come to hitting, like, the corners of tables and, like, cracking his head on fucking, like, whatever it is, dude, just everyday life. He's almost, when he was a baby, he was almost dying fucking, I don't know, maybe that's me to just being a paranoid father. But it just felt like he was inches from death at every single moment. I'm surprised more kids don't die, is what I'm saying

I hope none of them do die Me too You're such a nicer person than I am I don't know I don't even want you on to die bro No of course who wants children to die I even put that out there Don't even mention out of your lips I'm gonna knock on wood

And put the fucking Malook on anybody You always want You never want to bury your child bro You want them to bury you When you're old and fucking sick And ready to punch the fucking ticket What's your next date

Talk to me here, Tazahn. March 23rd, 24th, Boston. Nick's Comedy Stop. Oh, shit. Week after being Los Angeles with the Legion of Skanks. So yeah, come out, support Gomezcom.com.

Gasidgettal Network.com is the website. There's 17 podcasts on the network now. So, yeah, come and check us out. You're a fucking regular Dick Clark Cuck sucker. I love it. Don't forget, you Savage's Austin is sold out.

So I'll see you next week. in Charlotte, North Carolina at the motherfucking comedy zone, all right? And that's it. That's all I got right now. I got a date in Denver. I'm waiting to hear on the fucking surgery, so I'll keep you detailed on that.

And that's it. I want to thank my main man, Mr. Gomez, for stopping it. It's a short trip. He could have been doing a thousand things. Instead, he came in here and fucking drop some knowledge on him. He ate some mushrooms like a man that's starting to hit Lee.

This is another episode of Lee. In outer space. Not quite. Where's the horn? Lee. You haven't played the horn in a long time. The horn? The siren and shit.

Oh. Yeah, hit me with the siren, Lee. This is what you'd be feeling like that, midnight tonight, by yourself. Or we're young, Lee. People shoot themselves. That is tremendous.

I love that fucking horn. All right. Give it a breather. Does your business have any new year's resolutions? Here's an important one. one every business should consider. Make your hiring process more efficient and effective. This year, let ZipRecruiter help. No one has done a better job of transforming how you find your business and the right talent than they have. All right? And need of a great talent for your

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One more time, this is for free. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church. Number two, I got to thank my family over there and honor that I'm going to see this weekend while I'm in Austin. As far as supplements are concerned, they are the first. fucking cream, they like crop. From alpha brain to new mood to Shroom Tech immune. You know how many fucking Shroom Tech Amune?

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and listen, you can't go wrong. You want to go an extra round of Jiu-Jitsu? Look at the Shroom Tech sport. Let your lungs expand when you eat those fucking mushrooms of death. Aubrey's gotten those delicious containers. You understand me? You'll be jumping up and down for days. But listen, don't take it from me. Go to honor.com right now

and press in. Church. You get 10% off. Your first order delivered right to the crib. Who's better than you? I want to thank ZipRecruiter one more time. I want to thank honor one more time. I want to thank my man Louis Lopez of Gomez.

I'm sorry. I always fuck up people's name. Louis is a good man. Lewis Gomez. I want to thank him again. I want to thank the Christkiller. I want to thank you, the church family, for fucking support.

Don't forget the 25th of January, Charlotte, the Comedy Zone, bitches. Let's do it. It's going to be cold. Listen, the mule's on its way. I got the mule. Just in case he breaks down, I gave the fucking guy

and the mule roller skates. The weed of the stars will get the Charlotte. See you Wednesday night. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. Have a great day. Happy Martin Luther King Day.

Black people. Rise, cock sucker.