The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #551 - Jim Florentine

Episode Date: January 18, 2018

jim Florentine, Comedian, host of the "Comedy Metal Midgets" podcast and the author of the new book "Everybody is Awful (Except You!)," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first three meals for free (a $30 value) and free shipping!   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 01/16/2018.

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Kick that fucking mulee. Oh shit. We're not fucking around tonight. We're taking it back old school. You understand me? Wednesday. The 17th. A little stained class for you, motherfuckers.

Here we go. Oh shit. We're not fucking around tonight. It's a church of what's happened now. Cock suck. Fucking tremendous. I'm ready to jump out of window when I hear that fucking song. That was an album that we couldn't have in our house.

My mom was real religious, Catholic, Saints and Hell, plus to ban Judas Priest. Forget it. How to keep that shit out. I had that album in the fucking house. Nobody fucking kid. I just imposed my satanic will on those cuck suckers. Yeah, well, you know.

No, no, no. I like this album. No, I don't like this album. Yeah, well, it wasn't... Red hot, white heat with us. Yeah, a bunch of shit. The production wasn't great. Those albums in the 70s, you know, when they, when the live album, the, the, when they put the live album out, the shit sounded so much better.

Foghat Live. Phenomenal. Phenomenal. Judas Priest Unleased in the East. Phenomenal. Ted Nugent, Double Live Gonso. Phenomenal. Uh, UFO Strangers in the night.

The best. You know what I mean? So all those live albums and Peter Frampton comes alive. They just sounded better. I don't know if they could get the right sound or something. But that, you know, not that album sounded shitty in the 70s, but it just for some reason.

That sounded dirty. Which one? That Stain Clems. Oh, yeah, I know. It did. And I kind of like it. Yeah. That ACDC.

Let That Be Rock. Fucking dirty album. Yeah, yeah. Power rage is half dirty. But let that be rock. I think they wanted it to be. fucking that was one out if you want blood you got it wasn't didn't sound that much different than the record right that wasn't like a classic live album no no but i forgot about it till about three weeks

yeah right it's like yeah it's like the jack the live song is back because the dirty lyrics step on had different lyrics for the live version about a chick giving them clap but um other than that it's not a great live album but most of those 70s live albums were fucking phenomenal phenomenal neil young crazy who always put out one didn't they what was it live uh never sleep. Something like that. Yeah, I wasn't a... Would they adjust the vocals for that?

Or would it just be like whatever they sang live is what you got on the album? I don't know. I was scared. One more for the road. I mean, that was a double live album. Phenomenal.

Phenomenal. I don't know how they did. I read something in the Keith Richards book where he said that they forgot forgot how to wire, how to do those things. That's why you don't hear live music anymore. They forgot how to actually

technology got too ahead of itself. Probably. And they can't. Something weird. If you read this book, I think towards the end, there was a pretty, really good explanation on what was going on. I thought it was just an old guy like me talking shit about, you know, society today, but it makes sense.

They wired everything different. They mic'd it. That's the word I'm using for. They miced it differently. And these guys didn't cross over, never really, you know. You know, never really, I don't know. Because by the time the 80s came out, no one really cared about live records.

For me, when a band put out a live record, I'm like, ah, whatever. It didn't sound that much different than, you know, Iron Maid Live after death, Motor had no sleep to Hammersmith. Black Sabbath live evil. Speaking of Devil was great, because that was Ozzie doing the old Black Sabbath songs

and Rudy played on there. That was the Palladium, right? Yeah, I was the Palladium, two nights to Palladium. Jesus Christ. That was a long, I remember having that, like, cassette. Yeah.

As he had that shit that like jello coming out of his... 83. Did I have a cassette? Yeah, I probably had a cassette to that because I had it. He had some blue, purple, like jam coming out of his mouth, open his mouth. I used to go to the Palladium to disco dance back in the day. Like 82, my friends would go over and I go over there with them. Then when they, they turned into Club MTV.

And I was like, that's it. What happened? But I was living in Snowmass, reading the fucking Howden cover, the live, speak of the whatever that double album and when I saw the plane it I'm like what are you talking about but in those days those clubs doubled and tripled because I went to see the B-52s like the writs like an 81 80 right that's when those bars were like during the week there was something else and long fucking time ago long time ago yeah they just did like two shows there you know what happened was Sharon and and Ozzie were feuding with Black Sabbath that the time. You know, when Ronnie was in the band, and they had the two different bands going out, Black Sabbath and Ozzie Solo, and they caught wind that Black Sabbath was doing the live evil record, and we're going to put a live album out. So Sharon goes, you know what, fuck them. Let's put it out live album out before them. So they had like two weeks to record an album and

did all old Black Sabbath songs. And Randy didn't want to do those songs. Randy Rhodes was still in the band alive at the time. He's like, I don't want to, I'm already playing like three Black Sabbath songs live. Rudy tells the story in his book. He's like, I don't want to play old black Black Sabbath songs on a record. He almost quit the band over it. Him and Ozzy had a big falling out over it. And Randy's like, fine, I'm going to do it. I got one more album after this and then I'm going to leave the band.

But he didn't want to, but they rushed that album out. They wanted to get it out before the Black Sabbath live, live evil album. And that's the only reason. They never did any of those songs. Like Live, The Wizard and all that stuff. They never did, Ozzie Solo never did that. But they just did that to fuck Sabbath before whatever live album was coming out. A ton of shit.

I know. And how you remember this stuff is... I know. There's no reason I should remember that. No, I do the same thing. It's no reason. I never forget, I was dating this girl. It had to be 1986.

She's young. I'm young. And we're at a parent's house. And a bunch of family people there, a bunch of neighbors. I'm the only one from Jersey there. And I had been there like once or twice before. And this one time I'm there,

and the dad thought he was Johnny Intelligent. He was from like, fucking some hellhole, New York. He moved to Colorado. Got a pair of glasses started reading in his balcony. He also was fucking Johnny Intelligent.

And I said something on there. He goes, you know what, man? You have a fucking great mind to retain useless information. And I was like, I know that. I didn't know

whether it was a compliment or a fucking, I like all that trivia shit too. A lot of people don't. I don't like it too much. There's some people go a little fucking overboard with it. That's too crazy for me.

I like to keep it light. You know what I'm trying? I'm going to know what his dog's name is. It's like in that movie with Markey Warburg when he sees the guy from supposedly Judas Priest, the guitar player. Yeah, rock star, yeah. He's like, I sent you a card when your dog died.

Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. You know, there's people that are that nice that you open up the car and go, what the fuck is wrong with you? Go get a life, but there's people that are that nice. There are people from Jersey like me. I can't comprehend sometimes.

Like, if somebody's too fucking nice, I can't take it. like there's some Americans that are really just that nice and guys like me I can't understand they think they want to suck my dick gotta yeah there's something yeah absolutely there's always something you know what I'm saying there some people who are nice but you can see they got edged to them I don't mind those people

because I know they have like fucking faults but then there's people they're just perfect they're nice people they always I'll help you move you're kidding me you know what I'm bringing the truck I'll pay for you come on knock it off like they're just too nice like You're waiting for the fucking left hand to come. But the left hand never comes, so you always make a bad judgment call.

And then you feel like you got to, now you all are the fucking dick. Well, then also you got to, you feel like you all in my favor now. I don't mind doing that. I don't mind. That's part of the giving goal. It's part of having friends, you know. I can't help you fucking move. You're in no danger.

You know what I'm saying? I'll give you a ride to the airport. He'll come over with some weed during your move. It's got to be something sitting down. I'm not going to lift couches, two fucking stories. I can't do that no more, you know. Joe, you were talking earlier. You brought up like you went and went to disco dance.

Can you like talk about it? You've never talked about that. It wasn't disco anymore. But it's not like the thing with the other hand. No, no, no, no, no, no. It was like fucking, like radio music. Like Casey. So it wasn't like.

Ooh, who, no, no, no. You were on roller skater. Or something like that. No, no, no, no, no, no. I would never salsa dancing. public. I just saw it. I was at this club up in Albany and they had like Salsa

Friday night, like Latin night. And it was like a porno on the dance floor. It's like they're all fucking. It's like they're all fucking. I'm walking by. I'm like this isn't so bad. You know, like just a regular fucking white guys dancing, you know, you're three feet away from the girl.

But these... If I was white, I'm mingling to a fucking spick party every weekend. I like hang out where the fucking announcements come up. Like I go to the, The Spanish bakery in Jersey. If I was a white dude, I'd be getting top-not Spanish pussy every week. If I was a white dude. You walk into those things, no ablo, the grandmother pulls you over, fixes you up, gives you a plate.

Next thing you know, some chick sucking your dick talking to you in Spanish, talking about visas and paperwork. You're already on the boat. You're already on. She gave you a dick sucking that was tremendous from a chick that had hunger. No, it's true. One of these chicks with hunger. She wants a docker card. She wants to be back on the dream list.

You know, you know, North, so, you know, I, you know, I, I, I lived on Burgalon Avenue for a long time in Union City, New Jersey and West New York and stuff. And I was like the gringo. I was the tall white dude. I was 6-1 walking on the street. I was like Brad Pitt. They love it. They love it. And then my Spanish girlfriend one day out of the blue, she just decides to eat my ass.

And I'm like, what's going on? I go, where did that come from? How did you get to it? Was it like a blow job into, like, how did? Yeah, she was giving me a blow job. And then she just fucking lifted my, my legs up. Yeah, they do. Like she was changing my fucking diaper.

And she started to eat my ass. And I'm afterwards on my brother. She goes, oh, my friend, Nino, she's Spanish too. She goes, she said, you know, you got to eat the guy's ass. You got to eat his ass. Spanish girls know how to pay the rent. So they were right in there. They know how do you, you come home and give him the rent money.

And I told my buddy, my buddy came to town and he hooked up with a friend that said, you know, eat ass. And he goes, shit. And I told him the next day he hooked up. That's the first thing she did was eat my ass. Oh, yeah. Spanish drinks. Pick up your nuts, I can stick that tongue. It was amazing.

And she was in there, like, every, I was like, this is fucking phenomenal. Every time they suck your dick, there's always a ball sucking that leads to two licks to the muffler just to make it complete. So there's no complaints. You got a blow job from a Spanish woman in the morning. Forget about it. That's an ass eating, a ball sucking. They swat. The whole fucking kitten cabood.

That's not good in the morning. You've been sweating all night. Sweats. You think they give a fuck? About your butt. They came from one of those fucking countries. reason for fucking Trump won't even fucking send a postcard from

they don't give a fuck you have you can't imagine how hot Spanish women I can't imagine someone picking my legs up and oh yeah oh yeah I would freak out they'll do the trombone where they eat your ass and whack your nut sack from the front swallow the goo pick it down like a sugar cane I had a panic attack when I had a girlfriend spit

when she was doing a blowjep she went I just started laughing I never understood that you spit my dick I'm spitting your face there's tons of moisture in your mouth I told him to stop. Don't spit on my dick. That's disgusting. I've never had somebody.

I know either I. That's disgusting. I don't get what the whole thing of it is. Spitting on my dick. I'll spit in your mouth. Don't spit in my dick. Let's trade some DNA. Let's get the part of it.

My dick didn't do anything. No, you got to spit in his face. Like, he's a racist. Spit on me tomorrow when I don't call you. I thought it was approved. I mean, I am approved. I guess some, a little bit. But the whole, like, for years, I've been thinking I messed up during that.

I'm like, that's what everyone wants. But no, I was. I started laughing and I made her stop. Like, please don't, why did you spin on my dick? Would you let a girl at your ass? Oh, I don't think so. I really, I, I, I, I, I, What if you just came out of a bubble bath?

Yeah, maybe if a bubble bath. Why, you just, you just showered? Like, it's, like, that's definitely part of it, like, the worry about this, about my smell. Listen, if they're not worried about, if they go for your asshole, they're not worried. They don't, they don't put a gas on it. mask out. Obviously they

took a chance before. They know what they get themselves into, you know what I mean? Listen, I'm like... Don't worry about them. Worry about yourself. Just always have your asshole tip-top-mogoo, and you'll never sweat that. I'm only like four or five years into like not being weirded out by like kissing a girl after a blowjum. Like that's like just like... What is wrong with you?

What? What? What they're coming in their mouth? You make up with them. Yeah. Not make out. Yeah. If it's your girlfriend, as soon as you shoot that pepper load in their mouth, You tell her, come here, let me make out. And you switch that sperm in their mouth. They go fucking bananas. What are you talking about? That's a party right there.

You got to get it together. You got to get it together. You're watching the wrong fucking movies. I've been telling you that shit for years. I watched clerks, and that's what they got mad about. It's called like Snowball. Yeah, that's how you do it. If she swallows it all the way down, then you can make out with her.

I mean, she's a good sport for doing it. I mean, how much is in front of you every day from now? How could you say no to hummus or whatever, green beans, but you'll, oh, I'm not going to swirl it around. So if your girl swallows, swallows it all? Yeah, that's different. You won't make out with her a minute later. No, no, that's different.

Like, yeah, because the lips? So when do you feel weirded out about it? When they're still coming her mouth? What is she doing? What is she gargling with it? No, I don't know. It's never come up before, but apparently Joey just goes right down there. That's a lie, Lee.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm just saying to you, but you're young, you could still do that shit. I almost had a panic for time. We shared bonds. You're young. You could still do that type of creepy shit. I'm an old man. Nobody wants to swap fucking sperm.

Joey's been at parties where it's been two pounds of Coke on the table. So some shit like that's going to go down. Stippers, five, six in the morning, up all nights. Stuff like that's going to go down. I've never been to one of those parties. It's fucking crazy. That cocaine, disgust world is another fucking, it's, all. that shit.

Just fucking freaks me. I always avoided it, man. I was in a lot of parties, a lot of hot chicks, a lot of strippers. They had to coke out. And I just, and always avoided it. I'd get called a pussy.

I'm not going to hook up of you. You fucking baby. Why not? All the girls are telling you? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I give you shit because they want you to do it too. I don't put a Coke rock in your mouth and suck my dick. You get the full of factor.

I got a skin fucking rash. Who cares? I get some Colombian skin rash with the jungle. was a fucking Panama or something. Because I always knew my friends couldn't get a heart on when they were doing coke. So I got two hot strippers here. I'm not going to risk that.

Well, there's two thoughts of that. Like if Leon Suarez is liquor, Leon Suarez is a guy in fucking Germany, a Spanish dude, that gambles and he's a dirty animal. He's always on Twitter. He's living the line. He knows. You do three bumps of Coke,

but you get them coked out, where they'll suck your dick for two hours. So you really don't give a fuck if you dead. dick gets hard. You just take the dick sucking and tell them it is and eat their ass and eat their pussy and spank them. The whole time nothing happens. The next day they got a swollen jaw.

They just walked out like, you broke my jaw last night. I sucked your dick for two hours and nothing happened. You weren't complaining why you were doing it and snorting that fucking coke, were you? Well, what happens to get two girls naked? They both want to fuck and they want a threesome and then you can't get a hard on. You got to do. You got to wait.

You got to paste a room and fucking put a, you got to put like one of those army stilts. Like when you got to get to. get it hard, you got to tie it up the bottom, let the blood go to the top. I don't fucking know. I mean, it was, I've had many of embarrassing nights with that shit. But some way we made it work, because girls like to talk. That's why you always know. Well, that was another thing, like if I wasn't doing Coke.

Right, they weren't. And they were, and they were, and they were, crazy. Crazy. Insane. It's like we don't drink alcohol. So when somebody's drunk, my last fucking neck is standing on my. I remember telling my, I remember telling my, this girl I used to dead.

I go, look, she's like, you were being a mean last night. I go, look, you guys were fucking saying the same thing over and over again. I go, next time I'm going to record you guys, when you're on Coke talking, and we're going to listen to one in the morning, and you tell me who was fucking right and who was wrong. It's a horror show.

It's brutal. You almost want to do it just so you can fit in because you can't take it sober or even just a few beers in you. You'll sit there. You don't know what the fuck they're talking about. I would go in the other room. You know, I'd play hard to get. I go in the other room.

I go, hey, I'm going to go watch Sports Center. They're like, no, no, hang out. What else? I go, look, do you guys just do your thing, talk or whatever? I go, like, I'll just be hanging. I'm just going to go. So then they feel like, oh, he needs attention. So they'd hang for like 10 minutes.

They'd get jealous that I was kind of like blowing them off. And then they would come in the room. And I'd fucking bolt. It was great. What a weird fucking lifestyle. But that's what you had to do. You had to trick them. Yeah, you'd have to trick people.

But I didn't want to do coke. I never did it before. I see my, I saw my friends on it. we'd all, you know, we'd go to the bar every Friday and Saturday night, go try to pick up girls. And we get, we'd start drinking at like 6 o'clock soon as we get off of work, drink to about 10, 10.30. We're only getting into too early. You're never going to pull one out that early. You're not pulling one out at 930 in a fucking dance club.

There's no fucking way. They just got there. They need some drinks in them. So we get there around 10.30, 11, it closed at 1.30. So they got a nice buzz on. You have to buy them drinks. Then we get one guy would pay and we get a black. stamp and then we'd walk in oh i forgot something to my car and i go back out when a stamp is still

wet and press it on like nine other guys's hands we'd all get in with one price you remember when the beach had the the thing on your hand down in lavalette and seaside when we were kids did stampy yeah and then you went up to the thing and there was like a glow in the dark like a purple yeah light in the seaside park yeah yeah yeah one of them i'll never forget one time i went on one of those things and it was like six guerrillas going on to the beach and there was like an old guy. He had to be like fucking 80 and he's like, I ain't doing guys. And me and my friends walked on

and we all gave him the hand like the fourth guy. It's like, the shark ate it. And he kept walking. He said, what are you talking about? The shark ate it. I want to take you to write this fucking book. I only got a couple excerpts. I didn't get the book. But I read like 10 pages and I kept reading

because it was interesting, but then my daughter came in the room and said, you got to put on Coco. And then was that, yeah, yeah, I get it. No, you know, three years. It took me. Three years. Yeah, well, you know, it's based on my podcast, basically. I just rant about different, like, social media shit, bad Facebook posts and stuff like that.

And then I started, you know, I transcribed all these podcasts. And then I cut it down, you know, I transcribed. And then I cut it down. I sent it to a book at it and we worked on it together. But it's been three years in the making. It's crazy how you were talking about Facebook. And I felt. what you were talking about at every level.

And it's weird that when regular people read that book, like progressive people, they're going to read what I read and go, he's so wrong. He's so, because they don't get it. Like, nobody would get what you really wrote about the likes. Before I got on Twitter and Facebook, I was on Rogan's podcast one day

and I wanted to rant about, you know, why when I want to be on that tonight, you're fucking friends. You know, I had like 700 friends at the time. and I was talking about that how stupid it is. I wouldn't go on Twitter in those days. I just had a Facebook and Twitter was just starting to pick up steam. And I'm like, I don't fucking know.

You know, Myspace was the biggest thing since Jesus. And that dropped like a fucking, all of a sudden, MySpace had AIDS. Nobody went to the Ice Space no more. It's still there. It's still there, but nobody goes to it. So I'm going on Twitter and saying that. And I had a, like, part, like, I've met a lot of great people. through social media to shows you know but when you look at some people in

particular and look what they're doing like I follow people on Facebook just to read how ridiculous they are like they're on the side now click them they have like seven postings I'll click them just to fucking laugh but at the same time a part of me feels bad for them because they're part of that world even in real life where they're surrounded by people that just tell them everything's amazing that they do. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And when I was reading what you wrote about that, I was thinking of this particular person.

Because there's two people I follow on Facebook. I would never drop their name because I can't believe somebody's this fucking stupid. There's two people I follow on Facebook because they're so fucking stupid. I've never seen anything like that in my life. How often do you check in on them? Every two or three days. Like, I'll leave tomorrow and I won't check out them until Monday or Tuesday. Because I just shake my head.

One person I've known for 20 years and has changed completely. And he's become very political. But he'll call me every fucking week and tell me why he's got no comedy career. And I feel like saying, have you seen your Facebook post? There's not even nothing entertaining. Everything is Trump. Why don't you and your fucking stupid wife, Trump-Pa-N-Ton wife? shoot yourself, will you? Stop the shit.

Cut it out. Then there's a broad that attacked me one day years ago, and I see the part of the world that she's involved in comedy. There's like a couple different levels of comedy that people really don't know about. There's the level that we do. We play for keeps. This is what we do. We've been doing it for 20 years. When we die, we'll be on a stage. But then there's a lot of hobbyists, and then there's people have done comedy for a long time

and they go to a circle that it's like these weird shows they do and they all have a theme and their under theme is hate the corporate comic like the you know their whole show she had a bad experience at one of the clubs like the improv or something like 10 years ago

and for 10 years she's gone on a rant about the clubs and how bad it's like I'm saying to you It's that stupid. But she's never really let it go. And it's pretty interesting to see that if she would have just focused on the comedy store, a laugh factory, she would have been straight. But for 10 years, she's been attacking the fuck.

And it's so weird, like where they go now, what part of comedy they belong to. Now they belong. Now she's in a woman's comedy thing. And they go to a woman's thing that these women you've never seen or heard of, and all of them have an incumption. a hat on or an incognito tattoo or you know it's not really comedy and you see the comments they lay and you want to smack all those people you want to go to that show and smack all those people individually for even you know saying these things like it's just it's bullshit that's basically what

it is you're not doing your friend any favors I posted that nonsense I don't know am I getting clear to you no absolutely stone no 100% I mean you know I don't want to to sound mean, you know, like a mean-hearted person, but that's what, whenever I tell Lee, I'm giving that person rope to watch them hang themselves. That's what I mean. Like, I watch people from time to time, and I learn not what to do on social media from watching them. Like, you're like, why are you posting that? Oh, my God. But this is why that dude's on a cruise ship. Yeah. And, you know, look, yeah, I mean, people, I really focus. on now just telling jokes on stage.

Like, I always did, but I'm like, I'm just going to give you jokes because I feel like every comic all of a sudden is all political and none of the necessarily, you look at the timeline or on Facebook. I'm like, dude, right, just fucking people follow you. Not that you have to entertain them all the time, but at least, you know, nobody gives a fuck. Everybody else is everybody saying the same thing as you. You know what I mean? There's a million people doing the same thing.

It's just like you're going to get to the point where you're not going to know what's funny at him. You're so angry at it at what's going on. in politics that you can't how are you going to bring that on stage and be funny like how are you going to even be funny it's not just you're going to take a lot of your weapons away like if you're worried about everything that everybody says you know and you're offended by this and this then how are you going to go on stage and talk about that like these girls like you know cry of the me too and all those other shit like okay so you a lot of girls had like rape jokes in their act like i get raped if the guy

was good looking whatever so you can't do those anymore so you just took all those jokes out of your act because you're all about this and you believe women and believe and then you can't go on stage and joke about rape so now all these jokes are out of your like shit now what am i going to talk i can't do that i can you know sort of they're taking a lot of weapons why just go up there and be fucking funny whatever's a joke whatever's funny is funny you know what i mean but when you when you side with that then all of a sudden you're gonna you get to me like man i better not bring that up anymore. Shit,

how am I going to joke about that when I'm just bitching about how awful it is and you've got to believe everybody or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah, we just live in a weird time like that where people don't really want to say

what's in their fight. And it started about 10 years ago, but now with all the accusations and how many people are sexually harassing your day? I got to go for fucking 2000. Well,

you know, 25 years of comedy. You know, you mean, some fucking savages out there or just even just hanging in the clubs even before like when you you know going to those nightclubs of coke and beers and hanging out and hook it up and all that stuff there's a chick I hooked up with I follow on Facebook I tormentor from time to time hilarious hilarious that was borderline fucking sexual harassment fueled by cocaine

I just went to her house where she was a nanny. She really wasn't an auntie. She was fucking the husband. The husband hired her. The wife had so much money. She didn't really give a fuck what the husband was doing. I remember going there at 3 in the morning to get coke from the husband. He wasn't a Coke dealer.

He was just a friend. And he goes, come over. I got like an eight ball ticket. And she was there with a robin and he's there with a robo on watching TV. I'm like, well, he's upstance sleeping. But this is fucking crazy. So flashback to like three. Three months later, it's like the first week of December,

and I'm in a bar in Jersey. You know, one of your little neighborhood bars, Motley Cruzan looks to kill the whole fucking deal. We're snorting Coke in there. We're drinking bluebirds, vodka and bluebird orange, juice in the tin can, $2. And she comes in, the girl. She's fucking banging.

I hadn't seen this since that night. Like, what the fuck is it? You know, why is she here? He's like 45. She's my age. She graduated me, high school. What the fucking is she? And I fucking saw her fucking legs.

I didn't even know it was her. Just the body. I go, who the fuck? And I started snorting and drinking. I finally go, oh, that's what it is? Jesus, you look really good tonight. I kept looking at the legs. She looked fucking tremendous.

I think I gave her a blast of Coke. She asked me if I was doing it. And then at the bar, one thing led to another, she disappeared. I go, what happened? I said she went home down to the hill to that dude's house. I sat there, there a couple more lines, a couple more cocktails of three. I walked down that.

Jim, I knocked on that door. I go, can I talk to her? He answers the door to the rope. Hey, how you doing? What's going on? I go, can I talk to the nanny? She was at the bar before, and my wallet disappeared.

And he goes, yeah, hold on. She comes back. She's like, what happened? I go, I got, like, I have a lot to go. Let's get the fuck out of you. I want to eat your pussy. She's, I can't. She's like, I can't.

I'm going to get fired. Who gets a fuck? That's tomorrow. Come on. get out of here. So fucking she went. She goes, wait outside. Because I kept selling the list,

I'm going to stick my tongue in your asshole. I can't. Come on, I'm going to suck your pussy. I'm going to fucking light your nipples on fire. Put a coke rock in your asshole. Okay, okay. I'll come.

She opens up the back door. She's like, hold on. He's sleeping. I never forget. I look on top of the refrigerator. There's a deposit bag from like a business. I just took it to go. She didn't know.

We get down to the hotel. There's cash in there. I hired it in the bathroom. We got one of those Tunnelie Avenue hotels. Yeah. Down those disgusting things. Like a ton of motel or one of us? There's a couple of them.

There's two of those burgundy. They're pretty good. There's one on 91st Street and there's one on 70th Street. Both Hindu run. No free breakfast. There's just a vending machine with potato chips and fucking cinnamon buns and shit. But the one. They have two rooms in that hotel that have the star jacuzzi.

Yeah. And I'll never forget. I went to one for a Coke party. And a bunch of people went into jacuzzi. And while they were in there, I could see him scratching. Like the herb was on fire. It was the same tub that Lee jumped in the Airbnb that time. When he got the rash on his neck, he came back.

I got a rash over my body. I got a stye. It was terrible. That's right. From the Airbnb fucking jacuzzi. Sexual harassment. They're going to throw us in jail, Jim. that's like the fucking that's what you do in Jersey

that's what you do when you grow up in Jersey you're sexually harassed people midgets anybody you just torment you don't give a fuck offices what are you doing the midgets? I don't know you smack them and you fucking say something I don't fucking know well how many times they guys

grab girls' answers in the bar when you're walking by them like a nightclub you're always doing that rubbing on I don't I get too scared I mean just like you know we were younger that so you always did that stuff If I grew up with you and I knew you were, like, there was one or two girls I played that with. But at the same time, you know, I didn't get out of it.

I never went for that monkey and nothing like that. No, I'm just saying like, you know, you kind of like brush up against her ass as you're walking by him in a crowded nightclub. That always happened. Oh, when you brush up or when you take a picture with, all right, you're on the road. No, no, I'm just saying. You ever take a picture with a husband and a wife and she got big titties. Yeah. And she takes her jacket off and lays them on your arm.

And you can feel the vein pumping from a fuck. heart in her tit and you're like what the fuck is this but you can't say nothing that's sexual fucking harassment you know what I'm saying she's giving me a fucking heart on she's taking me into the murky water she's giving me false hope yeah I've had girls grab my ass in a picture yeah the husband's there too where her husband's taking it

and she puts around grab my ass oh I'll tell you sometimes kiss her tit and you're like what the fuck guy like smell her tits you know already like honey just show me your tits come on you you grew up a met fan or yankee fan no well I'm more San Francisco's giants I liked Okay, it's funny because when I was like in a sixth fucking grade, right, there was a basketball game at the high school, and it was the New York Mets against North Bergen faculty. And this was like my first year in that whole curriculum. I had lived in North Bergen, but I went to school in Kearney.

But once I got thrown out of that school in Kearney, I had to go to North Bergen. This is my first semester in North Bergen. It was basketball season. It's like November. And the Mets, John Matlack, a couple of Mets came over and they played against North Bergen High School faculty. And I went up there with these fucking gangsters from 26th Street, these little fucking kids, were savages. There was a project up there on the North Bergen side.

And if you crossed the bridge, it turns into a nice residential neighborhood. But I'd go over that side to play basketball and you'd make friends with those kids. And they had a lot more fun than we were having on that side of North Bergen. They would go up to Union City and be. beat kids up with Soxfield with flour. They had Dura test where they used to steal light bulbs in the dumpsters and beat themselves up with light bulbs, the long ones. The fluorescent ones.

The fluorescent one. They would beat the flora. You have powder all over. Yeah, yeah. These kids rock. They rob things. They always had cash. They were always involved in some.

And I knew the little feel is leader of this little patio in the sixth grade. So I would go over there in the afternoons. It was a cute girl. There was a girl. One of the first girls I haven't asked on a date. Maria Kavaha. I just met with my sixth grade teachers barred North Bergen when I went home in November. We still all meet the Thursday before the Friday.

I play Gotham's. We all meet and that teachers bar. We eat chips and shit. But I still remember Maria being in that neighborhood, and I would fucking go over there. And just, what was the point of this story anyway before we started? Sex harassment. Sexual harassment. So these guys are sad.

So when I go, and they go, hey, Dougie, you want to go up and see the MEC game against this? Whatever? I go, yeah. We're a little cold out. Nothing, nothing extreme. We took the number one bus, Kennedy Boulevard, up to the high school, watched the game. And then with three minutes left, two minutes left, one of my buddies goes, let's go. Let's get out of here before we get caught in here.

So we're outside, hanging in front of the high school. The high school's packed. And it had to be, you know, like eight of us, and we were meeting like six other four. fucking gorillas. Half of us were even sexually developed. I probably just had the hair on the sides. I didn't have the whole filling yet. I had the bozo look.

Yeah, yeah. I was just, I wasn't coming yet, but I was already whacking off. I already wanted to suck somebody's titties and shit. And I'll never forget that there must have been this girl. If we were 12, she must have been 15, and she came out of the high school with about two other girls. And we were kids. And one of these guys I was with just went up to the girl and started grabbing the tits.

Then two guys went up to the girl. And three guys went up to the girl. And it had been like a rumor that had gotten out that she had blown somebody. My friends didn't even want to go to it. Like usually you find out the chick sucking some dick. You wait a month and you ask her on a date. You send the flowers. You help her with homework.

You get her out one night. You give her a fucking half an eight pack and she'll suck your dick in the car. Yeah. But if you attack her like an animal, Well, she's not going to suck your dick, the world will get around. This girl must have suck somebody's dick, and I don't know what happened. But next thing, you know, this poor girl was covered up, covered up. And her friends were just pushing guys away.

And nobody was raping her or ripping off her clothes. All they were doing to her was grabbing her tits and grabbing her ass and grabbing the pussy and grabbing the tits. Just fucking with her girl. She was going off. And I remember that I was one of the guys that I grabbed the tit. And then I backed off when I saw what the fuck was happening. Then like one of the security guards came on and everybody ran away. That was the craziest thing I ever did as a kid.

But again, I was 12. Nobody hurt the girl or nothing. Something must have happened sexually. She did something. These guerrillas had no fucking, they had no logic or whatever. Because it was rare back in that day at 12 years old for a girl to blow you or a girl fucking. Like there was only a few of them in the school. I don't think there was anyone in my school at 12.

Maybe there was. Look, I had a friend who knocked somebody up in the seventh grade. Juan Soto. I'll never forget that kid. Poor one. Juan Soto. Got the girl pregnant, quit school, never saw him again. Him and the family packed up and moved away.

Cuban kid. There was a couple kids I went to school with that kids in high school. That's fucking scary. Yeah. It's always something. But back to the Facebook post. Sorry. No, no, it's all right.

But yeah, I mean, you do. You see, well, I like, you know, when people go, because a lot of it's just attention seeking, people are just looking for attention. Maybe they're not getting it at home or who knows what it is. You know, everyone's just, everyone's just trying to compete with each other, you know. So someone leaves a post like, I'm on my way to the hospital. And that's it. So now you're going to have to have like 75. Are you okay?

What's going on? Oh, if I lived in New Jersey, I'd meet. you there keep me posted do you need to you know all this stuff and meanwhile that you it's never anything serious finally when you read down to the bottom and a 35th comment she's like oh it was just a sore throat but thanks for everyone's concerns because you know what posting that everyone's going to go is you know what's wrong you know shit like that so you know that it's all it is attention seeking post yeah facebook is getting weird i actually like i don't know if you've seen this, there's people on Facebook, like, who sell drugs. Like, have you seen that? Like,

like, like, when I was going to high school, like, Facebook was just coming out. So it was crazy to have, like, a picture of you with a beer in your hand. Right. Because you were underage. Now, like, people are posted, like, people are getting caught all the time, like, for selling drugs or, or, or going on Facebook live and shooting people, it's crazy. It's, like, yeah. It's crazy. What people are willing to put up online. No, it is. I know. And I'm saying that, and I'm, we do podcast and everything is public, but it's, like, Geez. Yeah.

You know, look, it's just if you're constantly being putting pictures up, you guys partying and, you know, being in a party beers and you could see some Coke maybe or some kind of weed laying around and you're posting all these pictures on your Facebook page. When you go for a job, people are going to look for that shit. Oh, yeah, absolutely. And they're going to see this stuff like, ah, I can't hire this person. Look at this. Or, you know, all of that stuff. So it's all those pictures are out there. They are good at it, though.

Like, do you ever, like, I'm not really great at social media? And some of these people are better social media experts than people who do it professionally. Like there's some pretty girls out there who have like amazing social media. And they don't do anything. They're just pretty. Yeah, well, of course. I mean. And they're not even getting paid for.

They just post every day. 95% of my Instagram is just hot chicks. I just looking at hot chicks. There's a lot of them on there. But we were just saying like it's, I think it's crazy how there's some people, because you're, you're really good at social media, Joey, but there's a lot of people who aren't who do a professional, myself included, and I think there's, there's like a lot of teenagers today who are, who are better than professionals. If I was 22, I'd be, I'd be making a half million

a year on social media. If I was 22 and I was good looking, there would be no stopping me, especially on Instagram, because I know the buttons to push, and I know how easy it is. Look at what this girl did this week, Tiffany Haddish. she got Groupon to fucking sign her as their spokesman for a year if you really wanted to do that you could do that now today it's very easy

just what did you put an Instagram post about a Groupon or something out there to all the followers she went on Kimmel and told the Groupon story on Kimmel how she took Will Smith and his wife on a Groupon tour when they were shooting a movie in New Orleans

and how she had been a fat rabbit fan of Groupon for years. I love Group on myself. I love it. I'll look on Group 1. I'll get anything on a group on before I go fucking see you. Especially I got doubts about you, sure, why not? You know? For 26 bucks, that would the fuck

they charge. It's worked. They go down there twice or three times, check out the place. So she kept fucking with it. And eventually, and that's very attainable to that. You know, if you just contact the company and go, hey man, is there a code I could use?

to get like 10% I do a podcast or whatever even starting at that level and you just keep attacking the product you keep attacking it if it's a cup every sporting event

you go to bring the fucking cup eventually you're going to get momentum with that fucking thing especially if you're doing different things with that cup if you're just taking a picture with the cup and you're a guy you're in no danger but if you've got a chick hung upside down

by her fucking ankles and the cup is in the cleavage and the ice cubes are falling in your mouth. You're going to sell some fucking cups. Somebody's going to reach out to you eventually. It's being creative with that product. That's it. You could brand yourself into that with all the social media.

Social media has a lot of great stuff. No, it definitely does. It has a lot of it. And I'm not saying, I'm not knocking social media, but it has the other side of that coin that it's just a little too it's getting to some point. And I still say crazy shit

on that. I'm waiting for them to throw me off. I've been suspended a couple times. But never, you know, I would hate not to have it for 30 days. Like Ari, Ari's banned. Yeah, I heard he's threatened bread on, uh, a bird on there. But I don't use it to how other people. Look, social media is great to promote to promote yourself. I remember, you know, when I first got my website in the mid 2000s, it was like 600 bucks a month with all the bandwidth I needed to play audio and video on there. I was paying $600 a month and then Facebook and all these things come around. Now I'd pay like $100 or $50 a month from $600. I'm like this. So it's basically free to have all that shit.

But yeah, and then you just got to keep up with it. You got to keep, you know, but my stuff is more of like, you know, the people that just, you know, just post nonsense. Like there's no reason for a post. You know, like, you know, take a picture of them, you know, because they're out to dinner. You know what I mean? Like a ready to eat. know, hashtag hungry. Okay, I, you know, I had a feeling you went to a restaurant. It's probably going to be food there. You know what I mean? It's like, you know, just dumb stuff like that.

It's like, okay, I got to scroll through all of this shit. There's one good one I saw. There was this guy who every time he was out with someone taking a picture like that would smash their food right before they took the picture. And people would get genuinely upset at him. Sure. No, the food was fine. They were just mad because they ruined the picture.

How would he smash the food? I'm sure. It's just a spoon. He would just, look. So, off. So if he was out with friends and they did it. Okay. Okay.

I thought you meant it like I went to your table. No, no, no. Yeah, that'd be a problem. No, no, no, no. But yeah, and, you know, just, and then also, you know, the vanity license plates, especially out in L.A. They're all over the place. You know, people bragging, whatever they do or trying to be funny.

You know, like there'll be a license plate, L.O.L. Okay, what is that going to do? Is that going to make somebody laugh? Yeah, but that was invented in Jersey when I was growing up. What? Those creepy license plates. not for none nobody has creepy license plate there's a ton of jersey there's an italian people when i was growing up what do they say oh just you know they always had you know that's like that's

like listen in new jersey from the society i came from there's only one thing that beats customized license plates that's a fucking uh you know what's the top room in a hotel penthouse suite in the Borgado and Frankie Valley's in town like that's the only thing that probably beats that from the people I grew up with. I love them to death.

They're hysterical. When I was a kid, I had two buddies who had Valley license plates and it drove. Do you remember what they said? One buddy owned a funeral parlor, so it was H.T.V. Number one.

You know, Anthony Pivenary number one funeral parlor. And the other guy owned a store, his name was Hashway and he put hash and that was a bad idea. Two people went up to him and said, you're gonna drop the, and he changed it to something. I was Delhi, Delhi.

That's a good one? Yeah, Delhi number one shit. Like people would have those Frank, you know, back in the 7th, like you had a, when I was growing up, you really had to know people. Like down at DMV. to get personalized license players.

Like that was like a cashier type deal. So I'm putting them on the car and I'm going out of the Bogota. There was no Bogota at that time. There was something else. But I still remember the Bogota opening and a friend of mine calling me going, dog, I just saw you're opening for a real going to the Bogota.

This had to be like four months after it opened. Like really in the beginning. There was a fight down there. And that's why. I was down there with him. I didn't stay for the fight. I went up north. I left him and Tate and a bunch of other savages there. But I'll never forget, like a week before I was going, a friend of mine called, it's like, my son's going to sea, Richo Rowland. He says, you're working. You're in the Borgado. Oh, my God. I was down there last week. It's like a dream come true. It's better than any casino in Las Vegas. I mean, he just went on. I was so fucking excited. I don't forget opening up my room,

and I could smell cologne from the people who were in there. the night before. I was like, what the fuck is this? I get some other fucking cologne. I get some other golf balls in my room and shit. Whatever the fuck they were doing in there. Who the fuck knows, Jimmy Farrington? You know what I'm saying?

I'm just trying to fucking... I just went to you see this Sunday. What'd you do? Me and my buddies got sweets. Went down there, watched the games, drank, fucking gambled. Went to a strip club. Stayed out till 3, 4 in the morning.

Got down there at noon. Both games are all of the Sunday game, football games, the NFL games are on, hung out in the bar, fucking putting bets in, bookies, fucking drinking, going crazy. They're all getting high. Then we hit it off with a strip club. How is the strip club? Phenomenal. Nude? No.

There was one that's all nude, but you have to bring, you have to bring your own booze in. They don't sell it in there. We have to go buy it next door. There's a package good store right next door to the strip club. So you buy it there. You bring it over there. And it's all nude. The other one was they keep the bikini, the G string, and the top on.

That's better. That was better. Why? Because when it's all nude, there's a lot more rules. You can't go near them. They can't come close to even, like a lap dance. You know, I didn't see you after Florida. I remembered your name, and I watched you at different clubs, not watch you personally.

But then you did the HBO thing, and it was good to see you on that. I knew you were still alive and kicking. and then you used to do the show in Comedy Central where you tormenting people on the phone. I never really watched that show. I don't watch a lot of Comedy Central. I'm not going to lie to you. But reading your book,

you know, reading your book, I know we're both the same souls, because we grew up in the same area. But there's a chapter you got in there, an episode, an episode, whatever the fuck I got, you know what I'm saying? And I read it, it's you being whatever in your room, not knowing that what you were doing was,

the building blocks of your career calling people and harassing people and I'll never forget the first people I used to arrest that were Jehovah Witnesses and he owned the barbershop like two blocks away and me and my buddy would walk past the barbershop

and like fucking look at him and he would tell us to get off the thing and then we go to my buddy's house and this is the 70s when there was no caller ID there was no star 69 and you're picking up the phone. There was nothing.

You had no idea who was calling you on the other right. You had no idea. You called the cops. Unless cops came in the house and hooked up something to your phone to trace it. There's no way. No way. No way. You used to have a field day. I mean this guy, he was the barber was a Jehovah Witness

and he only cut Jehovah Witnesses. So we would go to my friend's house and just call and say you know, like that deal or the whole lot. Like that means your obewitness. in Spanish. And he said, Gagala and me and him would say,

and then we'd sing a song, Terti, oh, de hoa, tete, and we'd just hang up on them. We'd do this like 20 times in the daytime. That was the extreme white torment. Then you did the jersey things. How long have you been writing songs of, like, tormenting people? Did you were a kid?

You've been singing it? That must have been 12. And then somebody told me the jersey things, you know, is your refrigerator run or go catch it, you know, all that shit? You go through all those stupid phases. You call people. Well, we had this girl in our class in seventh grade.

I mean, my buddy, Tony, she had these huge tits. So we got her phone number somehow. I had a phone book, and we called her up. And we're like, hi, this is a national survey. We just want to know what your bra size is. And she's like, is this Tony and Jim? You creeps and hung up on us. That was like my first prank call.

And then there was another time we just go, we dialed numbers. And if it was a woman answered, We just dial random numbers and go, How big of your tits? That's all we would say. So we're doing this all day. If we get a guy, we just hang up. So I'm downstairs at my buddy Tony's house.

He's upstairs the other line on the phone. And he goes, you dial. And I look on the refrigerator and I see Mom's Office number. So his mother's office number. She works at a dental assistant. So I fucking called there. I go, okay, it's your turn. So his mom picks up.

Hello, Madison Dental. He goes, how big of your tits? She's like, is this Tony? Oh my God That's the last time he did that He hung up Fucking chase Chase me out of the house

Down like through the neighborhood Like fucking for like a mile That he yelled that to his own mother How big of your tits I used to love calling people And hanging up on them And all that creepy shit We were just doing that

My buddy was on fucking Perkissettes Coke Pot And had like nine drinks He was out of his fucking mind at the table We're watching the game He's out of his mind

He's fucking all over the place So we just keep calling his phone His cell phone We hit Star 6-7 first So it just comes up No caller ID And he's like hello Hello

And I'd start talking And I go what'd you put on the bed on the game He's like what? I go oh sorry you're on the phone He goes who is this Who's calling? We got him 20 times in a row He had no clue

He goes somebody keeps calling I go well you should pick it up It might be important I might be your wife. He's like, you're right. Hello. And 20 times in a row. Oh, I love doing all that shit to people.

And then when he goes, where's the bathroom? I go, it's right down there. Just make a left over there. I sent him in the kitchen at a fucking of the bar. We never tell him whatever. What's the waiter's name? Steve, he comes over. Hey, Steve.

No, my name's Jeff. Oh, why'd you call him Jeff? It's nonstop. Some guy ordered mozzarella sticks at the table. I get a beating for 20 minutes. What are you, five? you're a grown man, you're ordering mozzarella sticks.

What's next fucking, you know. Do you guys go to therapy? Like, for all this stuff? No, that's your way of showing affection. Oh, my God. You know what I mean? Like, okay, you're part of the crew. Okay.

Yeah, I'm like, what's next grilled cheese? You want the ends cut off? You want to gogert with your fucking mozzarella sticks on the side? But that's just, and it's just like, okay. You just take it. And you just hope it goes to somebody else. You never order

mozzarella sticks again. I hate fucking mozzarella sticks. Yeah, you said I can't order Kalamari this weekend? No, none of that shit.

You guys go to Austin? Yeah, I'm taking them to Austin. He said, I don't like a calamari. Go save it when you go back east. Great barbecue down there, man. Yeah,

I'm gonna go. Just worry about the barbecue. You're right. Don't worry about the fucking Kalamari and fucking Texas. We're going to Papa Does. We, unless you got a mouse in your pocket.

You're going right over to the barbecue plate. Okay. As soon as we land, I'm putting you in an Uber. you're going to the barbecue place and two, I'll see you by six. Bring back some brisky.

Go on the mission. Go online, mingle, get to meet people in Austin. Tell him some stories. Sounds good. What do you think? Right? Awesome. You know, he's a young guy.

Go mingle. You're single, too, right? No, no. You're on the phone. Stand online, take pictures, put him on Twitter. Picture with who? By yourself? You got a girlfriend?

I do have a girlfriend. Oh, she eat your ass? No. No, I don't need her ass. It's a mutual relationship. I can't... What if she just does once a one of a sudden? Because that's what happened when my Spanish girlfriend.

She's just one day out of the blow. I don't think she's going to one day out of the blue do that, but... I don't think so, man. I don't think that's for me. I haven't even had anal sex. Like, that's... I'm not as grossed out by it as I used to be. But the story, when Joey said that story...

I don't remember a podcast. It was on with a tinfoil. Like, I can't imagine even going near a woman's asshole like that. That's just too much for me. I don't know. There's poop in there. I'm sorry.

You believe this? Yeah, but a girl's going to know. You know what I mean? She's not going to be holding in a shit and goes, well, let's have anal. She's going to know. She prepares herself. She's not going to let you go in there. Well, sometimes you put in her muffler,

and you get shit going. And you pull out. your little dick, some jizz comes out and then it comes out like soft serve ice cream. Listen, but I can't, yeah, no. And sometimes if you take them to the cleaners, if you stick that helmet in their muffler

and you're pumping it at the same time you rub that clip with your hand like a fucking machine gun and you do a double loader, I'm telling you, sometimes they just squeeze out that soft serve when your little helmet's in there. It's like George Washington's sticking the cannon. And you're trying to light the candy, you know what I'm going to? I've never been involved in that.

I heard a particular friend of mine took a girl home one night. And while they were having sex, she fucking just let it all go. Yeah? Yeah. My buddy did that on his honeymoon. My buddy, Tony, his wife had, like, they went down to Mexico. So she must have drank the water and she had diarrhea. And he was fucking her in the ass.

And it was just all over him. And he's like, fuck, I was on my honeymoon. and I just kept going. He's like, I wasn't going to stop. Lee, you would never do that like that. Fuck no. Lee's a gentleman, though. There was this girl, she came to my show.

I did a college down in like Tennessee. Oh, my God. She was 19 years old. I was like 25. I go to the, she worked at Waffle House. I go to Waffle House in the morning. She goes, I was at your comedy show last night. You're really funny?

I go, you were in the audience? She goes, yeah. And I go, okay, and I was in town for another night. I go, we're talking. I go, we should hang out tonight. She goes, I have to work 14 hours today. I came in at seven. I got to work, whatever.

I go, oh, I go, why don't you come to my, I go, why don't you come to my hotel room? I have some beers. And she looks at me like, what? I go, I go, whatever. And then I go, look, I'm in room 320, you know, the holiday. And she goes, yeah, I know where it is. Like, all, well, if you can, come, this is before phones. She shows up after a 14-hour shift in her Wafa house uniform.

I ate her ass 20 minutes later. After a 14-hour shift. You see what I'm saying Lee? That's a soldier. Right in there. That's a soldier. 14 hours shift. Not even a baby wipe or like that?

Nope. Nope. Nope. That's the Waffle House uniform off. Get in there. There's no hell of tussie. How often are I going to have a 19 year? I could cup her ass in my hand.

No, no. Lee, you got to take it to the hoop from time. You got to bust that home up pretty soon. You know what I'm saying? Let me get some shoutouts here real. You got to take it to the next level. Amahagen. Michael.

Escussimicus. Christopher Devas Justin Stanley Listen to the jungle Weedemars Nate is here Jeff Collins Jesse Lindquist

and my man Geno Pack Digital or something like that You know I love you motherfuckers I write this shit You know When I'm high

And I don't understand What the fuck I'm reading After time But you know I got you I got you in my fucking mind All right Emma Hagan

You know I love You love you. She always says nice things in the morning. We have a lot of nice people. We're about to see Ookie Spooky. I can't wait. Fucking Thursday night, Bobby Sharon, Crystal. Fucking, uh, boy from Dallas is coming down with some Cuban pastries. Like, oh, that's amazing. We're getting barbecue on Saturday night. We're getting Chinese food. You're going to get all this shit. I'm getting it.

I'm eating Papa those fish and salads. I got to stick to my little way to watch your shit. Speaking of writing stuff down, we're getting all. when you're high. After that party last week, I had a little edible and I went shopping high. Do you ever go shopping high? That's the only way I go shopping for the last 20 years.

I can't do it. I always get something wrong. I went and looked in the fridge and I always get something fucked up. Let me explain some to you. Even when you're sober, you do shit that's fucked up. At this point, what doesn't matter? At least have some fun where you're doing it. Last time you were fucking sober, you ended up in San Jose

for New Year's. That was fun. with disgusting omelets. I didn't even have the albums. It was fun. Yeah, getting it together. Let's come. Why you torment them? Why you torment them?

So the book comes out, February 20. Yeah. Is this your first book? No. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Oh, I thought you had books before. No. I know you're working on one, right?

You said last one was on you. I'm fucking writing every day. It's the toughest thing, man. The do. You think of it wouldn't be that tough, but just, the process. I'm doing an audio book too where you've got to go be in the studio for like

nine hours a day reading from it to like four nine hour sessions which is horrific. I like the writing process. I'm enjoying it now I'm on a roll now so now I wake up I have it outlined I know what I'm attacking I was really unprepared before I'd been fucking... So you never

with your stand-up you never sit down and write like you yeah now I do but you never did before you just kind of like when it came to you you do kind of work it out on stage you have an idea maybe you listened to it. Because the theory is, if you weren't good at school, if you didn't have good school study habits, you weren't disciplined, like, to sit down and write,

like some other comics that were good in school, like to sit every morning and write out shit. I was never like that. I'm like, when it comes to me, it comes to me, I'm going to write it, I'm going to work it on on stage, I'm going to listen back, you know, and shit like that. But I was never one that I could sit down every day at 10 o'clock and write.

Because I wasn't good at school. I just fucking did whatever I did could to get by. So I didn't have, good study habits at all. I've always had good study. After I got left back. Oh, you got left back? I got good study habits. I was always, I always did well in school, but I discovered women in the sixth grade.

Yeah, see, I got sophomore year in high school. I was playing baseball. I was on the team, starting, and then I got into weed, drink, and girls. So that was it. I quit baseball three months later. I was looking at Hustle Magazine. I'm like, I'm done. there's a whole lot of life out there it fucked me up completely it threw me off completely just threw me out of my game

love the whole fucking deal I ended up going to summer school I didn't go I would play hookie from that and the third time they threw me out and they said I had to fucking get left back what grade did you get left back seventh oh that's a tough that's a tough

if you do it like first or second or third no one really kind of knows you're young enough but seventh oh it fucking destroyed me. Because then you're in the school with all the eighth graders and they know that you got left back and you're still in the seventh. Yeah. So everybody

knows. It was funny because I got put in a class with a guy that I didn't like right off the fucking bat. And once I became his student, we got along. Until today, we talk on my phone.

Like this was the weird. And on the last day of school, I stole his car keys and his house keys and threw him in a dumpster. and he found that it was me, came to my house, we got into an argument, and in September, it was like it never happened. I was going in there expecting the worst, and it's like it never happened.

And him and I were on very, whatever basis, very touch and go for a couple of months. But in those days, you went to homeroom, and then the rest of the day you alternated classrooms. There was four of the classrooms that you would go to history, music, whatever. So you would only see him in the beginning for attendance

and at the end or at lunchtime for attendance. And then basketball season came and I found out he was in the fucking Hall of Fame in the fucking Hall of Fame. He's like one of the only guys from Jersey. He has the record for Glassboro. He made the most free throws in college in the fucking lead day.

Like, I think he still has the record. Nobody's broken his record. 73 free throws in the house. He went to the ABA, he played for the Miami Floridians. They went under. He was too slow for the NBA. He was just a good shooter, though. So I tormented him to fucking coaches, and he wouldn't fucking coaches.

So I finally showed up in his house one day. And he had a hoop in front of his house. And he came down. And he goes, all right, I can't coach you guys, but I can coach you off record. We'll do it here. And we did it a few times and we were like a fucking,

we turned the whole season around. We made it to the playoffs. And I just became friends with him after that. So me getting left back was like a fucking good move for me. Because still today, I took him to the premier grudge match. That's how tight I am with Barone. He owns a bar now.

The whole fucking thing in North Perrigan. Yeah, man. So out of something good, out of something bad, you get something good. Yeah. Yeah, I never got left back, but I just, you know, you cut corners. I remember 10th grade geometry.

I couldn't figure that shit out. Me either. I still can't. Yeah, I was just like... I don't know why. I just don't get angles. I'm okay with algebra, but I just can't. That in chemistry. Maybe it's related.

Yeah, maybe. But I remember when there was a day of the Tassab, I wouldn't show up because I knew I was going to fail it. So I would just not go to that class. I had like four tests that I didn't take. I was going to fail for the market period of it because it was just, I was going to have to go back and take them at some point. I remember the teacher goes, hey, if everyone wants to go up to my desk and look at the grade book and see your grades, you can't.

I'm going to leave it open. So everyone was just walking up, you know, like looking at it. And she went out of the room. She went like down to the office or something like that. So when I got up to my grade book and I looked, I had four empty slots in my grades, I fucking took her pen right there, put 86, 84, 82, 91 filled in every grade and passed with a C. She had no idea. I used to do kinky shit like that.

I hated doing it. And then the report card would come to the house, like they'd mail it to the house. So I get the mail first, and you can erase, like, the number that they gave you, like, an F would have, like, a little erase. And my buddy had this little erase it, and you could trace it and put, like, a D or a C or whatever, like that. So we trick our parents by doing that shit too. Unless your mom looked real close. She couldn't tell. She couldn't tell.

There were some professionals. There was these two chicks right by my house. They would fucking clean up your report card, Jack. You dropped it off. It was one hour service. How old were they? 16, 15, two sisters. I see them at my shows from time to time.

They would take your report card dog, fucking whited out, make copies. they were just geniuses sand the white out down so you couldn't see it it was crazily with these fucking freaks as long as you got it because they would mail them so you just knew when they were going out

so you'd get them before your parents you'd get that mail that day at 3 o'clock the mail you could at school at 3 o'clock and your parents were getting home the 5 you got the mail you didn't give a fuck Jack that day you didn't go back to school after lunch do you think report cards are online now yeah well I know they're for college but for like even high school and stuff

yeah my boys in first grade it's online. Oh, is that first grade? Yeah. That's how old your boy? Yeah. Your boy was a lot older by now. Well, he got left back.

That isn't that. He lives with you full time, right? He's with me like four days a week. Okay. And then I work, you know, I'm home on them. And then, you know, and then I go to work on the weekends. What's the mom do?

She's close by. She lives like 15 minutes away. So he's with her the rest of the week. Does she work? Yeah, she does lacrosse stuff. Perfect. That's big in Jersey. Lacrosse?

Yeah. Not when I was there. I know. No, I never heard of it until a Duke, lacrosse case when that fucking woman said this dude's raped. I didn't even know. That's a sport. I never fucking heard of it.

What is that? It was big when I was going to high school. That was like a rich kid sport. You know, I say shit. I'm still in 1982. Like, and I feel it. There's parts of me that still live in a world that nobody really understands. because I just don't fuck with it.

Like, when I left Jersey, only fucking... Like, when I left Jersey, only dark Spanish people played soccer. Yeah? And they had to play it like Saturday afternoons in the park and their own little corner and shit. Soccer wasn't legalized yet. What? When I left Jersey, soccer was not across the board the way it is now.

Okay. You knew about Pele and that was it. We played soccer. I thought you meant it was illegal. It was kind of illegal, because it was. Every time you saw 12 people playing soccer, a car will pull over and go immigration. And they would fucking take off from Hudson County Park. Okay?

Every Sunday they would get together and play. Immigrate yourself. Oh, it's crazy. I never heard of all this shit. La Crosse. I didn't hear about rugby until I moved to Aspen. No, I lived in, yeah, no, no, no, yeah. When I moved to Aspen, I was walking home one day and I saw a bunch of guerrillas attacking each other.

I was 18 years old. I didn't play rugby in Jersey. I went skiing one time in Jersey. I went to the Playboy resort. Yep. Wherever the fuck it was. Way up there. And they used to have midnight skiing.

And in a cocaine bender, my friends thought it would be a good idea to shoot out to this place for midnight skiing and do blow. Listen, there's nothing to blow in the world to numb you to restrain that fucking cold winds that come off. Whatever the fuck that. Oh, and midnight. I went out there and ran back to fuck in. And it wasn't skiing like you're getting Colorado. This was rocks.

Ice. With a little bit of ice on it and shit. If you fell, you were breaking your back. There was no two ways about it. You were breaking your back. It was a Jew's attorney's paradise up there. You need money. Go up there and fucking slip and fall.

It was so disgusting. It was so fucking cold, Jim. And then I went to Colorado. And I'm like, go skiing. I'm like, fuck you. I did that shit already. Fuck you fucking savages. And my friend's like, no, dog.

You went skiing in a dump. You didn't go skiing in the snowmands. Literally. And I fucking got on skis and I loved it. I even got a job that gave you a ski pass. And I would ski early in the mornings because I lived close to the mountain. Right. So I would ski right off my fucking backyard.

I would take my little three runs and shit, go home, wash my pussy. and go to the video store, just like that. Jesus, that's a perfect life. Never went skiing before. Never? Never. Jimmy, you have no idea. It's so much fun.

Your kid will love it. You take them to like a small resort. You do the comedy works, and then after the comedy works is wrapped up, take them to Aspen, but take them in all the season. There's a couple, like, there's a one in New England that I went to.

It's like really small. My fuck around. Yeah, because even in Jersey, like the part. Poconos is where, like, that's outside of Jersey. They owe, every year it was fake snow. If you're going to ski, let's fucking ski league. No reason to go to fucking Boston with a bunch of fucking carnivores. It's not in Boston.

Whoever the fuck it is. He's going to go to Aspen. He's fine. You go to Aspen during all seasons. You go for a three, four days. You take ski lessons. He takes ski lessons. I'll tell you what, if he's fucking six, you'll go, Jesus Christ.

This is beautiful. And you'll be trying to struggle with a ski. and next thing you look over to the right and you'll hear like, children's team, children's team, and you'll see your boy in a deep tuck with a helmet on doing dirty miles an hour and your heart will stop

because they're close to the gravity. So they could ski the first fucking day. All they got to do is bend over and they just snow plow and done. They're done those fucking little kids. Fucking savage is like you and me. We take a few falls at first. Yeah, absolutely.

Pa-p-p-pah-pah! Skis are over there. You got to get up with the one ski on your foot and walk upward. You're sweating profusiously. You put on like a vinyl shirt that cover you from the snow. Joey Diaz told you to put it on, but it's fucking hot now. Those things get hot, Jack. And if it's not snowing or it's not really cold,

you're basically skiing in a fucking sauna. So it's worse for you. So my friends will always go, if it's skiing a lot, put that on to the snowflakes. Don't stick on to you. It's not a big fucking difference. Because when you're sweating in the cold To get you colder

Yeah You get cold You don't have that sweat Underneath you Yeah Because you put like three four pairs of socks Yeah That was always the theory

It's gonna kick And then you feet sweat I had never had health insurance So that's why I never did Dangerous shit like that Like when did you get health insurance As a comic Or

I think I like 41 was the first time I got health insurance I didn't have health insurance To 1998 Which put me At 35 years old I think I like

2003. Before that, I didn't have insurance. I didn't give a fuck. And you really didn't need it. No, you didn't, because what's going to happen? You didn't need it. You break an arm, you go to the fucking emergency room and then... I went to like 32 emergency rooms.

And there was only like one bill on my credit bureau. Because I did a whole sweep just to look for what has been on there over the years. Well, because if you don't give me your social security number, they can't put it on your credit report. So if you put a fake social security number down, to just leave that blank and then they'll tell you to fill it in that won't go on your credit report like the first time i went to sag when i first signed with sag i had a fucking i was out one night and i had this pain in my head and the next day i woke up and my buddy said you have a abscess he goes at your point it's right there you have to go to the hospital so i was like i have sag insurance

i went down to the hospital i never forget this the first time went down to the wrong whatever the fuck is down there, see the sign, and I waited, saw the chick, she gave me this thing, she pierced it. They took like an emergency fucking tooth out. Tremendous. They sent me around the corner, all fucked up from the ether.

And then, about six months later, I got a bill with zero zero zero, it's been paid by SAG, and a check for like $18 for a cab ride that I never got. That's when SAG was SAG.

I don't know what's going on now. No, I have insurance. I don't know. Insurance is weird in this country. I'm $500 a month. I feel fucking horrible about what that. They're just killing people. I got SAG insurance and, yeah, it's, you have it?

I don't have, you have to make, for family insurance, you have to make $30,000 a year. When did you become SAG? 2000 well after it was after and then emerged with sag but i've been after sag since like 2002 when i got the crank anchors gig i had a join and it cost like a grand to join i've been with them since 2002 and i've always been on tv shows where i made enough where i basically get free health insurance that i have to pay a little but not anymore i have to make you have to make 30 grand now in sag after to get family health insurance get you and your family covered so i'm not making that in that actor's enough TV and film work where I'm not getting. This is like the first year I had to pay out of pocket. Because when I had that metal show was on for 10 years

and that crank anchors and all other shit, I always covered it. So I pay like $560 a month for my insurance. And then my kids would on his mom's insurance to her job. But basically for a family of four, it's like $19,000 in New Jersey.

If you don't have insurance, it's basically about $19,000. for you, your wife, two kids a year. 19 grand a year. And that's just to be covered. That doesn't, you know, it's not... You don't get that much.

And deductibles or, you know, and shit like that. But that's basically what it is. When I lived down in Florida, we used to fuck these skanks. This was in the 80s. My friends were all in bands, these metal bands.

And I would just be hanging out with them and I'd get just the leftovers. And if we didn't wear... We had no money. We're making like $30 a day at this like day job, but construction. So we didn't have any money if we caught anything or something,

all of a sudden we'd get that leaky dick. There's always back in the 80s. You get that shit. We couldn't go to the doctor because the doctor was like 75 bucks. And then the pills were like another 40. So we went down to the fish store and got fish tetracycline and took that because that was like a form of penicillin. Because we had a fish tank and the fish we got to put tetracycline in there, some kind of infection or whatever. It's like that.

So we'd go down to the fish store and just get it there and just start popping them. And it would go away. and they were like four bucks for like 20 pills it was supposed to be for fish like sometimes the girl was really skanky before we even felt anything we better start popping them now because it's probably gonna be a problem

I'm proud of you wrote a fucking book man I thought it was like your third whatever now hopefully I got a second one from yeah there's always like a story about me growing up in Jersey some crazy shit we didn't have to construction site or prank calls

and then I go into all like to bash in social media stuff but interesting shit I'm proud of you're a savage I'm out there man I didn't know you had it in you to sit down and put it together That's a pain of fucking ass People think you're at home fucking headbang

And listen to the whole fucking Iron Maiden But little do we know You were by the desk This morning I had to put my kid on the bus We get up at 7 he gets on the bus at 8 We were listening to Sabbath I had never say die on And then I had Johnny Blade on for him

He loved it That's what we do in the morning No SpongeBob Sabbath No SpongeBob at that Well he likes it but it's still But we put music on I can live with that

It's always good in the morning Listen to Sabbath Yeah Always To get out of the house I have to listen to a little Sabbath Get your day start How come every time we're here

There's a fire Give me know Every time we're here There's a fucking fire And it's close by Like this guy's got a fucking Mosey along Like a fucking

Is that a fire or a plane? I think that's a fire. No, it's a fire. Did you see the documentary on Showtime, The End, Black Sabbath documentary? Yes, I did. Yes, I did. When they were doing that stuff in the studio. Yes.

A couple days after the last show when they do changes. Okay. Oh, man. And they do Wicked World and the Wizard. Like, you know, just Tony, just the four guys in a studio and singing, just playing it right there was phenomenal. When he broke out the harmonica, yeah. Was that great? That was great.

That was great. Who played the harmonica? Ozzy Ozzy. Was he good at? When he took it out, he just started fucking around. I'm like, and I knew he was going into Wizard. It doesn't take a fucking mastermind.

And I was like, that's pretty cool. I love changes, though. Yeah, that's a great song. The whole thing was very, it's amazing that these guys are in their 70s doing what they're doing. That's scary. Yazi just turned 69.

And then Tony all, He's 130 in cocaine. Oh, easily. I know. Like these dogs are three, but he's really 21 in dog years. Same thing with cocaine. Cogaine runs your body. He did it for 30 fucking years.

He's got, he's 108 in cocaine years. He should be done. He's 70. When we were children, 70 seemed like you were dead. Yeah. 50 seemed like such a number that you could not even imagine. like you're 50. Jesus, you're fucking old, you know.

Now I'm fucking 50. I don't feel that old. I'm tired. You know what I'm saying? That's that fucking old. You're not old. I don't feel like what the illusion I had old people did. I thought this was it.

Being 55 meant you went home at 5 o'clock. You had a couple shots before you went home. You yelled at your wife. You had dinner. You had one of those reclinable. chairs. You watch TV. You didn't bathe. You didn't do anything. You sat there until 10 and then you went to bed.

That's it. That was my dad. Yeah, that's it. Plain and simple. No fucking must. No fuss. Because you're putting the house together that gives you the right to sit on that chair for six hours every fucking night. Maybe you get up to take a shit. Put your house slippers on, eat dinner. You get up about 9.30. You get some cookies.

Beside that, that's it. There's no fucking movement. It's really. I don't know. I'm up and fucking about all goddamn day. But then I have friends at my age. The delivering shit for fucking FELL Express their drivers. And I see those guys on my fucking block unloading shit. I'm like, I can never do that at this age.

I'd be done. I could do that shit two days a week. I do one day on Monday and one day on Thursday. And I'll give me enough recovery time. But to get... I don't know. off those fucking little stairs with a box, run upstairs, knock on somebody's door,

I'd be dead, 10-hour fucking dead. You could do that, Jim? I mean, I could, but I wouldn't. How about you, Lee? What do you think? I don't think so. I'm right, then. Imagine how sweaty your ass would be walking up and down those stairs. Your girlfriend would never eat it.

I wouldn't either. So if you wash your ass wholly... Right. And you looked at your girlfriend and said, my asshole, would you let her if she was game? I'm not going to say never, but right now it doesn't seem like it's something I want to. What about you meet a girl this weekend in Austin?

And she's sucking your pipe. Right, yeah. Pulls up your little stomach and get dick. Sure. And she sucks you, dick, and then she licks your asshole. What are you going to do? I think I'd probably scream and freak out a little bit. I mean, unless it was just amazing, I don't know. I think he's afraid he's going to like it.

I mean, it could be part of that. Well, if your girlfriend came to you tonight, said, hey, we should mix things up. Right. We really should. You know, it's getting kind of boring and stuff. And let's, you know, let's try some different things. Right. Take a shower and we'll just experiment.

And then on the next to know, she's eating your ass. I guess maybe, but I don't know. It still freaks me out down there. You're going to love it. You'll be fucking back in the way like you were a cat trying to rub on her. Like, how far does this go? Or, like, our fingers going up there? No, I mean, you know, maybe they're the first knuckle.

First, what knuckle? Maybe, but or it's just, you know, whatever, whatever she does. Jesus. I mean, what's the big deal, Lee? I don't think I want anything on my buckle. Well, it's not what you want sometimes. You know, you got to shame on you. Yeah, sometimes you've got to take the bullet.

Well, luckily, she doesn't have, like, a urge to go down there. so that's cool. But if you met a girl, let's pretend. Right. I'm gonna, oh, Jesus Christ. Nothing, Lee? I don't think so. I don't think so.

I mean, when did you guys get, because were you guys always cool with that stuff? I don't like both stuff, to be honest with me. I was very scared for years and it happened, and I moved on, Lee, no big, fucking. Exactly. You never know. You never know. So get it together, Lee, you're slipping.

I guess so. You know what I'm saying? Let the practice on this girl. If there's any women who are pro-butthole stuff, like, tweet me and tell, but, like, tell me why it's, like, not the most, like, I don't like it. Like, tell me why it's, like, not gross. You're out of your fucking mind. You see what I got to deal with, Jim? Yeah.

You get to relax. You do a bong hit. You take... Two bong hits. Forget it. Take a couple of gummies. You should be relaxed. You're not going to get to that.

You're not going to get that much. All right. He's not. I've been trying for years. He's been, we've been trying this for years. I just don't want to do, but, he, no. I had a black chick that was in the front of his face. And just to break the whole patois of his, for a year, I kept pushing it.

I had a girl that wanted to do it. He wouldn't do it. He had a girl, there was a girl in Denver that sent for him. Logey. That tied her out. You know, there was just so many things. I don't want to bring him up now. I know you've got to get going.

And I went through this. It's a tough subject. I don't. Who wants to have someone fart on their face? Listen, you're 29. So what? These are the things I didn't do when I was your race. I wish I had the chance again.

A little handsome guy like yourself on the radio. You shave your head, you shave your beard. You look at you're 22 fucking years old. You go into a bar with a long jacket on. They're going to start bringing your homely. One of these little mils is going to... Farting in my face? No.

One of these girls is going to, well, listen to what happens. She's going to spin around on you and get into a node south position on you. And suck your balls. What do you think of a fucking muffing? was going to be in your face and you got to take it and sometimes when you're looking at it but I don't want doing it's 60-9 and you're sitting there

and it's right there staring at you and you're in the bottom and the legs are down your neck so what do you do to it? You either sniff it right you take the ride right I mean when in road I don't know Lee you have to use your imagination just get it together you're slipping all right

my ex-wife would never let me eat her ass I was fucking she'd fend me away and push me away And I finally gave up after like a year. And I filmed a comedy special. And she saw me do two shows in a theater. And she let me eat her ass that night. I think she was just like, I got her.

He just had an unbelievable night. He just filmed the comedy special. You know what I mean? Six cameras shoot. And she goes, I don't know. That's an old school woman. And that was the first time I ate her ass. That's an old school woman.

They give you a gift. They saved the best for a laugh. It's like a good fucking party. Three months later, our marriage was a little. is over, but I got in there. But I got in there. On the night, I filmed a special. She was there with her family.

They all watched. All knowing that she was in a year. A family is there going. He did such a great job. Are you going to take him home and eat his ass? Are you old school? Are you going to take it to the hoop? And that was going to go home and give me a fucking story, Lee.

And that was two sweaty shows I did. You know what I mean? That's right, Lee. You got to get it together. And then, yeah, so she was a hard work for her, I guess. I'm just saying it was just it was a special night You know So I think of that night more

She that there was some ass eating going on Then I filmed the comedy special That meant more to me Priority That's how good it is Maybe that's a good review You have any of these stories of a book You have any stories

No not nothing real like that Jim Norton wrote the forward And he wrote about us Hoking Up with girls Like the whole forwards about that But you know He's gonna wind up like Trump There was a whole thing

that Trump hooked up with this porn girl. And she goes, he just liked it in one position. That was it. That's Lee. That's Lee. You don't want that getting out there. It's getting out there 20 years ago when he fucked his porn star. He only like one position. I have a couple of positions. You're going to be the same way.

He's just kind of... What position can you... I'm not going to go into all the positions. What position can you possibly have, right? Are you on all fours? That's one of the... That's one of many. I'm going to do it to this fucking guy.

I can't believe. I know. Who knows? Come on. I mean, Joey would have to get him an eight ball of Coke, do all of this stuff, be drinking. He might not get pussy to seven in the morning. These girls are giving it up at fucking eight o'clock at night.

That's right. You don't have to spend any money. You take him with Chipotle and they'll fuck you. No, he has to mean about like a stranger type. I see how women look at Lee when we're out in the shit tonight. They're looking at them all strange. Yeah, that's what a couple. They look at them, they go, you know what?

Uncle Fester would eat the fuck out of my pussy. You know what I'm saying? Joey had to put a nine-hour shift in with an eight bowl of Coke. He didn't have to. Drinking and then listening to him babble all night. And maybe he would get it at like eight in the morning. Eight nine in the morning of Michael down. I had to tell her boyfriend killed herself out of a lot of his shit.

When's a book of my gym? February 20th. Beautiful. They can pre-order it now. Yep, pre-order it. Everybody is all off except you. It's up on Amazon and all that stuff. And, yeah, it's good stuff.

Any concerts in there you talk about? That's the next one. That's the next one. I talk about the Scorpions concert where the Scorpions took the girl. I think I told that story on here. I go to the spectrum to see Scorpions, probably 85, 86. I sneak down to the front. I get all the way to the front row.

I'm in the front row. It was General Mission. I go to get a beer. I see this hot chick. And I go, hey, I go, you know, start talking. I go, you want to come to the front with me? She goes, you can get me up there? I go, yeah.

So we just pushed our way. I got her all way to the front. We're in the front row watching the Scorpions. She's so excited. She's up there. She's a big fan. We start making out during the show. Right?

Scorpions are on. She's grabbed my dick. I'm grabbing her tits. She starts flashing the scorpions in the front row. These big tits, this beautiful blonde chick, like 20. They're giving me the thumbs up. They're like smiling. They're all pointing over.

And I'm like, yeah, I'm grabbing her tits. And she's grabbed my dick. And the scorpion's like, what a cool, what a cool dude. He's letting his girlfriend show a tits, whatever. So after the show ends, one of the, um, Rodey comes over. He goes, hey, the scorpions want you guys to come backstage. Like, holy shit. We fuck.

He walks us all around the side of the building. We get to the door. She's walking. She's first. She goes through. The fucking bouncer stops in my way. He goes, no. Just her.

I go, no, the guy just said the Scorpions. He goes, no, just her. And her name was Melanie on there. I forget him. I'm like, Melanie, Melanie, Melanie, they won't let me in. She never looked back. And I was mad at the Scorpions for like a year. That fuck them, they stole my girl.

But meanwhile, as a comic, I know when I was like single back, when I first started playing that in Florida, and she said, I didn't want dudes backstage. Of course. Why would they want me back there? I was going to ask them, you know, who was out on the blackout cover and who was singing backup on fucking some weird song. That's what I would have talked of about. Meanwhile, she's flashing her tits.

So why would they want me there? She left me in the dust. Didn't even look back. So that story's in the book. She left you for the band. Yeah, of course. Yeah, and I'll blame her. She didn't even look back.

Oh, I'm sorry. Or let me see what I could do. Maybe I can get you pass. Nothing. I'll come out in 10 minutes if there's no drugs. And I had no, I didn't even know. Like, I didn't have her phone number. None of that shit.

I'd still be mad if I were you. What are you going to do? You know what? I hold the run. I would have to send the guy fucking the guitar letters. Sure. You know what? I'm not mad at her anymore.

I'd either ask in a second. I would have done it that night. Even after shoes with the Scorpions. Oh, God. Sometimes you got to go. You know what I mean? You go in New York City, those old school peep boots. You know what's on the floor.

You got to do what you got to do. Sometimes you just, you know, it's sticking. What do you do? You're in a war zone. I've never been to a strip club. You're in a war zone. Sometimes your sneakers stick to the floor, you just untie them and just walk out in your socks. Oh, God.

It's not worth it. That's what you got to do. You're in a war zone. Why would they jack off on the floor? Where's it going to go? On the ceiling. Somewhere, tissue. You don't have tissues.

You're horny. You struck out. You were at the palladium all night. It's four in a morning. You're going to a fucking booth. You watch a movie, you jerk off. You're not thinking about tissues. You're not thinking about where it goes.

They got a mop guy that's going to come in in like five minutes. I know, but who? Disgusting. That's like an extra level of gross. You think of those people worry about the flu? You think of people going there sit on your fucking milkshed? No, they're hoping for the flu. That's disgusting.

When they sell on your milkshake, they care about the flu? Oh, they start. I love you, Lee. That's so gross. How can you jack off just like? It's a joke. No, no, no. I know you're not saying.

But it's true, there's a mop guy. Yeah. So that means they don't clare it for themselves. No, they just leave it. They come on the floor. The wheel and do, step on it and kill it. I brought a girl in the booth one time, this hot blonde, and we were fucked up, and we went in one of those boots because we didn't have a hotel room. And I was on my knees eating a pussy in the booth.

I could, what am I going to do at that point? You know what I mean? It's my one shot. I don't, she's not coming on the train to, Jersey and an hour train ride and still going to do what you want in that moment that's what needed to be done I applaud your resourcefulness

but that's not it makes sense after you got burnt the first time by the Scorpions you tighten your game up absolutely now when you see them you fucking handcuff him you handcuff him to yourself right off the bat this ain't shit ain't gonna happen again jacked and it only cost a quarter because you put a quarter in you get the movie going

Did you even start the movie? Yeah, well, you just throw a quarter in a movie place for like four minutes. This is the place, the booth. Yeah, the booth. Like, I'm 42nd. Like, show world. Yeah, but I was saying, when you were there with a girl, you started the movie, too? Yeah, because we wanted to get her in the mood, too.

Oh, okay. Where, he's the source for again. He's like, that's what I'm saying? He's like a boy scout. He's like a boy scout. He's going to close you from some angle. And you wanted to her to forget what was on the floor and what a creepy situation it was. Good Lord.

What a disgusting place. I never looked at it from this view until you said it. Like, I walked in there when I was 13, 14, the first time played hookie. Thank God for the year. Not knowing what you're walking into. They could have taken this in the back and sold this in Spain. I was saying, they could. Because the creepiest people hung out in there.

Oh, my God. The creepiest. I would go in there with six or seven kids, man. How would they just tell you? They didn't give a five. fuck as long as you had a dollar bill and you got change in there that's it he'd eyeball you how old are you

18 all right getting there you fuck he knew you weren't fucking 18 you were 12 you know how many things they could have done to us I was just telling we used to go to those things we would fucking do like like we'd get a joint

dipping in formaldehyde and smoke it six or seven ways and then take a bus into the city and then down by 42nd street down there we go right we meet up on 178th Street by Port Authority up there

at 5 o'clock we'd be roaming the fucking cities you and Lee would go down Broadway and me whoever I was where we'd go down on 5th Avenue and go whoever gets up to 178th Street and you'd have to get up there

all fucked up we do the same thing with Angel Dust we call it T. T.C. Crystal that was the longest four hours of your life. You thought like you were in a fucking dream and you would come up on

people and they'd talk to you and you'd talk to them and next thing you there you were walking around a corner with them to smoke a joint. It was just fucking surreal. It was surreal, man. I'm happy those days end and I'm happy we never got killed. It's like... Like fucking chemicals.

Like eating ass. Someday you want to try for myelahomily? I'm surprised I haven't already. I think we did it one night I knew we had something We smoked and enjoyed it one night I think so Always a pleasure having you on

Absolutely You have a website to think you go there Jim Florentine.com There you go No fucking dot And I do a podcast every week Comedy Metal Midgets So

Okay And I'm on Ozzy's Boneyard You're on my series too Yeah yeah I do a show On Ozzie's Boneyard Every Thursday I'll do a tribute

To Fast Eddie Clark this week For Motorhead You are The original guitar player Dides All three of them are gone Now Filty Animal Taylor

Lemmy and Fast Eddie. I was a big motorhead fan back in the day, so he just passed away last week. I saw that he passed away. I didn't know that there was three fucking... And he was with Fastway, too. He started Fastway after he left Motorhead. They sounded just like Zeppelin those guys.

You're a fucking savage, you know that? Coming from you, that's an honor. You're a savage and a half. You don't eat no stars. You just drink your water. You're perfect. You're beautiful. Yeah, I'm working my way into that.

My buddy just got me some gummies. in Jersey. So I haven't tried him yet. He gave me the other night. I got to be home. I don't know. I'm going to do very slow because I haven't done this stuff.

Do you know how many milligrams the gummies are? No. You don't need to know nothing. Just take a little bite or whatever. I'm going to take a little bite. I'll make sure I'm at home. Make sure you have ice cream. And then we'll see what happens.

Same the animal. Just in case he comes out. American cheese. The animal likes salami, you know, white bread. That's what the animal likes. I'm just. Let you know.

Yeah, we'll say. So you're not caught with your pants down. What happens when the animal doesn't get what the animal wants? Then you eat cookies and fucking turkey bacon and all this shit. You eat cucketucket. That's what happens, all right? Okay. Why would you ask me that question?

You know what fucking happens, all right? Unbelievable people. First off, I thank Jim Florentine for coming on. Great comic go again to Jim Florentine.com. Get the link to the book. and also get toward dates. Number two, let's talk about food right now. All right.

Blue Apron is the leading meal kit delivery service in the U.S. and while many people know what we do, many don't know about the types of meals you eat when you cook with Blue Apron, you're not just having burgers for dinners, you're making short-ripped burgers with a hoppy cheddar sauce on a pretzel bun. You're preparing seared steaks with dine pan sauce and mashed potatoes, green beans, and crispy shallots all in under 45 minutes and without a trip to the grocery store.

You understand me? Listen, Blue Apron delivers fresh preportioned ingredients and step-by-step recipes right to your door that can be cooked under 45 minutes. The menu changes every week based on what's in season and is designed by the Blue Apron in-house culinary team. Blue Apron offers 12 new recipes each week, and customers can pick two, three, or four recipes based on what fits their schedule.

Blue Apron sends only GMO ingredients and meat with no added hormone, all right? Lee, how much did you enjoy Blue Apron? Love it. I just sent you more codes to get some more Blue Apron sent right to the house. How easy was to cook it? It's super simple.

give you a step-by-step guide that they keep improving. It gets better every few months. They take you through every step, and they tell exactly how long it's going to take. And they give you a card. Everything comes to your house to live. You know the entire nutrition. You open up everything. You know exactly what's in there.

And let me tell you something. Lee uses it a lot as a date night. Him and his girlfriend will get together and cook together. Listen, a family eats together, stays together. As corny as it fucking sounds. And for eight weeks, ending at the end of February, February 26, Blue Apron is teaming with Whole 30 to bring you delicious recipes. Our menu will feature Whole 30 approved recipes each week like Mexican spice by Ramundi

with avocado, togarashi chicken lettuce cups with avocado, and kale and sweet potato salad. Kick your New Year with Blue Apron and Whole 30, which, and this is going to really break through because you're supposed to be a little healthier meal for you. But anyway, this is what I'm going to do for you. Blue Apron is going to do something for whoever listens to this podcast. If you're going to give all the listeners a $30 off your first order if you visit blueapron.com slash Joey. Again, that's blue apron.com slash Joey.

Let me tell you these weeks, menu, all right, just to keep you on board here. You got Whole 30 approved. See it steaks with warm lemon, salsa verde, with roasted broccoli, and sweet potatoes. Can you imagine cooking that? Hell no! You're going to cook it with Blue Apron. Look at this one. Whole 30 approved chicken and kale,

orange salad with spicy tahini dressing. Can you imagine cooking that? Bam! You're going to cook it with Blue Apron. Here you go. Spicy pork and Korean rice cakes with baby Bok Choy. Are you kidding me or one? Just say bok choy at the bar.

Women want to hang out with you. Because that's the type of savage you are. Blue Apron is going to get your inner... Listen, Blue Apron has a lot of options, all right? Fried rice with Togorachi peanuts. It's the best. But listen, go to Blue Apron.com right now. Get $30 off your first order.

I gave you this week's menu. Get $30 off your first order and free shipping. At Blue Apron.com slash Joey. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Number two, listen, no more stinky asshole. Valentine's Day is coming. you want them to lick your ass. We just did a whole segment

about the asshole licking. You're sitting there like a fucking bumpie all your life. You're 29 years old. Nobody's eating your ass. You know, it ain't something wrong with society. There's something wrong with you. Maybe you're not confident about your asshole. You don't have to feel like this anymore.

Now that Hello Tushy is around. Go to HelloTushy.com and take a look at the great selection of portable bidets that you can attach to your fucking toilet. within minutes. Within minutes, you could change your horizon. Your asshole will become a fucking menu selection now.

For years, you've been like the ugly girl in the corner, hiding your asshole, because you think they've got to smell the tuna fish you had for lunch. Never feel in superior again. Who gives a fuck? Suck my dick and call me shorty. I was born in 1940. And while you're getting your asshole steam clean,

dip your fucking helmet in there, too. and add some fucking maluku juice and wash that fucking thing. Listen, Hello Tushy's even got a little towelettes to scrub your fucking squatchadooch in case you got a victim over the house. And you could, you know, whatever I'm saying. You know what I'm talking about. Listen, it's a fucking luxury to have a bidet.

And now you could have one like this, pamp, pamp, boom. You can have one. Go to hellotushy.com right now. and press in. Church. Bam, and get 10% get 10% off your order.

You understand me? They got a great selection. 60 day, 90 day guarantee. Lee and I have had ours for years. We're both over 300 pounds. I'm not over 300 pounds. Stop it. How dare you?

You're about 289. No, I'm not. Listen to me. Not even close. And while bidets are still intact, they're still spitting water, If they keep our asses clean, they'll keep your asses clean. Go to hellotushy.com right now and press in church, bam, and get 10% off.

I want to thank Blue Apron. I want to thank Hello Tushy. I want to thank my main man, Jim Florentine, a fellow Jersey man. Give me some love on Jim Floreteen.com. And I'll see you motherfuckers in Austin. And the rest of you guys, I'll see you at the Comedy Zone next week in Charlotte, North Carolina. Bring the fucking Penguin suit. cold cuckers. Have a great weekend. Stay black. There's some of my buddies over in Hudson

County put together a band. I want to give them some love. Take that fucking muley.