The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #552 - Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: January 22, 2018

Eleanor Kerrigan, Comedian and co-host of the "The Comedy Store Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Square Space - Go to squarespace.com and use promo code "church' for 10% off of your first purchase of a website or domain.    Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 01/22/2018.


I wish you could see mine. Welcome to PodcastVille. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by Squarespace. Ready to start your new business, make it stand out. Think it, dream it. Destiny is calling. It says you need a new website. Make it happen with Squarespace.

The future is coming. Make it brighter with Squarespace. Keep dreaming, but make it a reality, brother, with a website from Squarespace. This is what I'm going to do today. Head to Squarespace.com for a free trial when you're ready to launch. When you're ready to write all your goals down

and get this business tip-top Magoo and turn your cool ideas into a website, go to Squarespace.com. Get yourself a free trial. And when you're ready to go, use offer code church, C-H-U-R-C-H to save 10% off your first person. of website or domain.

This is your chance. That's Squarespace.com. Enter code church. The podcast is also brought to you by, as I like to call them, The Goods. On it. Audit supplements are always there for you.

You know why I'm still here? TikTok Magu? Two planes. Breathing on people's fucking neck. Why? Because a shroom tech immune. You take two. They're telling you to take two.

The more fucking people I see, the more I take. I'm up to about 10 Shroom Tech Immunes a day And you don't see me fucking cough And sneeze, Lauren, I got kids Shroom Tech immune Shroom Tech sport

You want to last longer This is how it's done And for that fucking protein That's needed The fucking hemp force protein The cocoa Will put a pep in your step But don't take it from me

Go to honor.com right now And press in Church! Bam! And get 10% off your first order If you go with AlphaBrain You want to get your head together, get a little alpha brain. Listen to me.

You don't like it. You get 100% money back guarantee and we don't want the product back. All right. It's that simple. Go to honor.com slash church. Boom, and get your 10% off. One more time for Squarespace and one more time for Honet.

Kick that fucking Mulee. It's a little bit funny. This feeling inside. Taking you fuckers back. Not one of those who. When life was beautiful. We weren't selfish fucks. Don't have much money, but boy, if I did, I'd buy a big house where we both could live as a sculptor.

This is beautiful as it gets people. But then again, no or a man who makes potions and a nut travel and travel and show I know it's not much but it's the best I can do my gift is my song and

this one's for you you play this all week and see what happens to your heart and you can tell everybody this is a song and may be quite simple

but that it's done how you're don't mind I hope you don't mind that I put down the world wonderful while you're in the world.

Are you fucking kidding me? If you said that to your cat once a day or your fucking mailman you live to your 90, you understand me? Those are the kindest words you can ever say to somebody.

I heard that song about a week ago. and I almost put the car in reverse on the 405 and just let it because I forgot what life was about until I heard that song. We all forget on a daily how fucking beautiful life is and it takes a stupid fucking song

to remind you. See, you guys look at out in John, you look at a fat fucking guy with glasses on who probably sucked a thousand cocks. That might be true. You know, and he wants $800 a ticket. That might be true. But he set the blueprint in this country

for guys like me that were fucking immigrants and I came and this is the music year and you're like, God damn, I'm in the right fucking place. Elton John dropped this and everything changed. This was magnificent.

Anyway, enough about Elton John. What's happening? I don't know. Hi, Joe Diaz. With your fucking Philadelphia Eagle hat, old school Philly fan. You're fucking right. From the womb.

You came out and threw a can at the fucking doctor. You know what I'm saying? I hit him with batteries. That's who I am. through a motherfucker at him and we got the flaming Jew over here flying you flaming flaming it though we were talking about Elton John you're flaming because that caseo finally came out of your asshole oh from Houston I did think of Austin I did think about you this morning because I went to the bathroom and it just

took a second I was like god damn it was right about that oh yeah that's constipation that that just locks into you but I want to thank it's worth it Austin Texas I want to thank the Cap City comedy club for a phenomenal weekend I mean I realized something this weekend that that club isn't even a club to me no more. It's family. I went there as an open micr and got on their stage outside on Wednesday nights. Then Joe brought me into MC. Then I featured there and now my headline. And it's a fucking family type environment. Saturday night I want to thank all the savages that came out. My man from Dallas, Dave, and I want to congratulate Bobby Sharon and Crystal

on their engagement. They're the fucking lieutenants of the church of what's happening now. Spooky showed up. Ron White was there. Danny Brown was there. I mean, it was just a great night. It was just a great weekend. So thank you you guys for making me feel at home. Only Texas acts that way. You follow me?

Texas is a great place to perform. They say it's awesome. Especially I've never been been. Only to El Paso, but not to perform. Here's the problem with Texas that the whole state is alive and kicking. You could look at somebody and go, you know what? Things aren't going quite that well.

for me right now in LA, you know, I really want to get good at comedy. And you don't really, and you want to get an experience, just get in the car and go to Texas. Do the clubs. That's true. But you could stop at any bar in Texas and go, how you doing, man? You got a microphone here. You mind if I go up there and do 10 minutes? And they'll let you?

It's Texas. You better be good. Yeah, you better be good. You better be good because I got some angry customs here. Can you imagine that in Philadelphia? They got the jukebox on. Yeah, yeah. You can't do that.

But one, you can't turn the jukebox off. If you've never driven from one side of Texas to the other, it's a week and a half. Oh, Jesus. It's huge. It's a week of a week. And it's another week if you go to the top and go down, you have a month of comedy in Texas. Yeah. Nobody really understands that you have a month of comedy.

Of not repeating the same place? Like, you could go. Yeah. Wow. But Ron White said that on our podcast. He did the Comedy Store one, and he told us that, like, Texas made him a great comic. Because he played in those little circuits, and then they move you up. You know, maybe St. Louis, they have one there and they throw you around.

He said that's how he came up. Texas is one of those states where if you really, really want to learn about comedy, Texas will... Because Texas will let you take the ride. You better... Texas will let you take the ride, but you better back your fucking guns with Texas. Because that's how you lose them. Like, I noticed that if you talked about Bush in Austin, They would clap.

If you mention Bush in Houston, they would freeze up on him. So you have to learn different parameters, you know. Is he from Austin? And he's from down there. Houston, he had a ranch in Houston when he was president. So, you know, like if you do comedy in Conroe and all those places, they're a lot different than doing them in Houston. Yeah.

You know, it's just a, Beaumont. It's just a very interesting. But Beaumont's, I think, yeah, yeah, Beaumonts towards Louisiana. But it's just, I did everything there. If I went back in my notebooks, Jesus Christ, I remember doing Corpus Christi with Freddie, me, and Mark Babbit. That's amazing. And having 16 people in the audience.

And, you know, like, nobody really knew who Freddie was, you know. But I would do all, I remember doing a barn in Corpus Crispi, Corpus Christi. I remember doing a place that at the end of the night, Marilyn called me. She goes, did you get your Coke, Joey? Did they pay you in Coke down there? Davis, like 800. Oh, that's amazing.

But I left before the guy gave out the Yum Yum treat. So Marilyn goes, I have it here for you, but go down. He was looking for you. And I went down, and there was a chunk of fucking Coke. You know, I was there in Midland. I'm surprised you didn't become the house opener there. Oh, my God. I was there in Midland when the guy tried to rape Marilyn and when he tried to push her door in

and she called the cops. And I go, Marilyn, he didn't know you were in there. She goes, how do you know? I go, because he wouldn't have raped you. If he knew what you looked like, he wouldn't have raped you. I was going to say, whoa. God, hilarious. It happens to everybody, huh?

It was a hotel in a hotel by the pool. Yeah. The doors were surrounding the pool, and somebody tried to break into Maryland's door. Oh, Jesus. And then another time, there was a club down there that I went to twice at the DEA swarmed. The host was a combination magician, horrible comic. Always a good mix. He was married in two different states, and he was wanted for polygamy, whatever that is.

Polygamy, yeah. ligamy when you marry more than a woman. Sister wives? Yeah. Dog, I was a Coke head with every single fucking ounce in my body. This guy made me look like a fucking kid. He gave us all eight balls when we walked in for the Friday night show.

And he said, watch this disappear. And there was two shows. He had one too. In between the second show, he came up to me and asked me if I had anything left. He had done the whole fucking thing. Oh, my God. He would go on stage sweating,

shit leaking out of his nose. It was. El Paso, you know, I don't go to El Paso anymore. Okay. But El Paso, I cut my comedy teeth in. Easy. Easy, easy, easy. He got me into that room, Freddie.

What's the club there? The comic strip. Freddy and Roger Paul got me into that room. And I ended up doing it that room probably. There was a year I was probably there six times. Jesus. As what? As the opener?

As a feature. Feature? Yeah. They bring you down a lot. They would keep me over two weeks at a time. Sometimes three. One time I stayed three weeks is a feature there. Wow.

I was supposed to work in Corpus Christi. Roger Paul got me some gig. I think it was last year. And I was calling him and calling him. I'm like, dude, should I buy a ticket? Then all of a sudden, I think the club closed or something. It's a weird. It's a Roger Paul gig.

Roger Paul calls you two minutes ago. Books you so you don't have to call him anymore. the club is booked then you call him a week ahead and he goes I was just going to call you every time I call the name you're not going to believe what happened they changed it they didn't want a woman

they turned comedy night to bingo night so yeah you got to watch I get all the good ones yeah you know the all the shysters are out there man the advantages of the beginner comic like if you could write a book as a beginning comic of all the fucking thieves out there

and it's funny that there's a handful of them that are just this like my friend Mikey Klein over at one by one podcast. He does the podcast. He's a dad. And then he does like fucking design on the side for a couple of comics.

And I've hooked them up. You mean like web design? Like those pictures. All those pictures is Mikey Klein. Oh, okay. Mikey does his picture. From time to time they'll call me and he'll go, this comic contact him.

And I'll tell him, stay away. Because they're going to be a lot more drama than what they're word. Yes. Especially the high end comment. They have people doing shit for them. for free all the time. When you ask them for money, their feelings get hurt and then they stop talking to you. Yes, because they think everything should just be handed. Everything should be

for free. Hand it to them. For years, I told Lee. I love comics. But there's comics. We don't make money. You know, that's why comics post shit, like, we'll do this for free, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, because they don't want to pay. And then it's just a fucking weird dynamic. Yeah. I want to pay you so you're happy. And you're happy. The person's happy. You get what you pay for. Yeah. You know, these people start these comics and,

uh, podcast and they'll tell a producer, listen, we'll, uh, get you money after the fucking, we got a sponsor.

You're sitting there a year. There's no sponsor. This kid's giving up five hours of his time. Got to give him something. Got to give him a burger. You got to give him something. You know what I'm saying? Not stage time,

the last comic of the night at Jojo's fucking Chinese joint. But you got to take care of the guys because of none, that's like anything else in life. One day the guys gonna get up and go, why am I even doing this? Yeah.

This benefits me at all. And Hollywood has a very weird way of doing that to people. Oh, yeah. You don't me a hundred dollar a day movies I shot that the people were working for free? And they worked like mules. And they were getting yelled at. You yell at me for free. I will break this over your fucking head ten times.

But before would you do it? Like back in the day, you wouldn't do it? Not for free. You got to give me something. There's always somebody. Somebody's making enough money there that you can give me $5 an hour. I don't have to prove myself that way. You cannot expect somebody to come in five days a week for eight weeks for free.

They got to feed themselves. They got a family or they live in their mother's basement. They got to justify that. There's got to be something. One of my passions in life has always been masonry. Okay. I love masonry. Interesting.

You know why you don't love masonry? Why? Put earphones out and nobody bothers you. design a war yourself okay okay and they took that trade away from this country because the master fucking brick guys were guineas when they came over you know you ever see that episode of soprano when he takes a j to the church oh yeah he goes look at the brickwork by the all the brickwork on the east coast from Pittsburgh agreed all the way down to Philadelphia is gorgeous they're still doing it and it's still no no they're not doing it you know why some of them that shit don't

Brack. The guinea fucking walls. Oh, I see what you're saying. Those guinea walls from 1910, they don't go down. Those guineas built the wall during Mussolini that they know. They're prepared. You know what I'm saying? You're saying the Mexican walls you can just poke through them?

No, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is that over the years for you to learn the trade of masoner, you had to go to like a trade school. Like a real school, yeah. Because it's very rough for a mason to take the time out to teach you his trade while he's putting up a wall and doing a job. without him knowing that you're going to stick with this. Yeah. This is what you're going to do.

Masonry was the hardest apprenticeship ever because, yeah, you can join the masonry apprenticeship. And at night go to school and learn how to lay eight-inch brick and block and all that stuff. But in the daytime is where you get your hands on. Yeah. Like a hottie. Like when I was talking to Rogan about being a hottie, that's one of the toughest jobs in the world. When you're 19 and you commit to being a hottie, not a roadie, a hottie, a hottie, your body's going to look fucking sensational in six weeks.

Right. I mean, bitches are going to be sucking your pipe because between the sun, giving you a sun tan and you carrying brick all day. All day. You just get in tremendous shape. So a guy like me would come to you when I was 18 and go, I want to be a hard carrier, so you teach me from scratch.

You take a bag of cement, break it, 16 scoops of sand, and a half a bucket of water. You have to dump it. You have to dump it. Mix it up in the fucking wheelbarrow. And then carry it to each hard carrier. So let's say there's six hard carriers. You got to carry it to each hot carriers

and make sure their hard is done. Their fucking cement has to be on their board mixed. And you have to come by every three or four minutes and put water in it and mix it the hotter it is. On top of that, you got to supply bricks. You got to keep supplying bricks. bricks. So you got to pick up, you got to get one of those tongs that holds eight of those bricks at once. Pick them up and bring them to each brickmaker.

Yeah. And then you got to go back to making sand. That's your eight-hour day. It doesn't end. It doesn't end. Plus moving lines because you have to keep moving the lines for them so they can lay the brick easy. It's a tough job. So to get on top, the only way they can teach you is if you get on top of it and then sit

with them for 10 seconds. Yeah. And they'll go, meida, mea, you see there's a brick here. You see this a bump, see? How come you take the slack? Here you do, do it now. Oh, you still fucking suck. Go.

Go back. Go back and do the sand, you fucking slave. And then you do that for a couple more hours, you know? I really want to be. And they go slow. They take their time with it. And now everybody wants everything fast, fast, fast, fast. Well, they don't take that time with it.

Those guinea brick layers will take that brick from here. But I'm saying it's an art form. It's an art form. form like it's a and they lay it like this then they wipe the side yeah lay it on the next brick it's it's an art for sure but it always comes out perfect and now they won't take the time now since union they won't take the time you have to go to a union thing at night and learn how to lay it and go through the process and then you become a bricklayer's assistant you know and that's a fucking nightmare that's a glorified hottie that means four hours a day you're hard and the other four hours a day

Plus, you have to get the job site ready for them for the next day. We talk about that a lot about people not knowing what to expect when they get out of school or something. So what? Those early jobs are the toughest ones. So what they're doing right now, they're going to do on this sidewalk. So while you're doing all this, you have to dig across that sidewalk to make sure that side is even for the next day. You've got to start laying their little pallets down to see if it works, 18 inches away from the wall. You know, buy to the inch.

You're the first one there. You got to wipe down that wall. But you're doing this while they're still going, mora, more. Yeah. That means more, more fucking mud. You know what I'm saying? Mora, mora.

Mora. You have no fucking idea what that job is like. You know, the first job I had, we didn't even have fucking sledgehammers. You had to do everything by ham. Like those, one of the electric ones, bulldogs. Oh, yeah, yeah. So you had to use a sledgehammers.

They wouldn't let us use jackhammers. So you had to use a sledgehammer to break it down. Sledgehammer and a fucking pick to pick it up and then you and another gorilla picked it up. And threw it in a wheelbarrow and then we rolled it to a fucking wall and then you threw it over the fucking wall. That was your job all fucking day. Why didn't they like jackhammers? Because maybe you had to get a special permit for it. Maybe it was just 12 feet.

Maybe it was just 12 feet of footage that you were going to do. You can do that in a day. That's why you have these back carriers. I used to love sledgehammers. I love all that shit. But now I don't think that's available anymore. Like a union. Look it up, Lee.

No, we looked at the, there's some sort of apprenticeship program for something. Local masonry. So that's what you're going to get into now? No, I'm not saying. I would love to. It was funny for such a lot for years. Like, before I went in the halfway house, when I first moved to Aspen, that's what I did for two summers. I did it one summer in Jersey.

I did it like another summer in Fort Lee, New Jersey for an Italian guy. And then I did it again when I got out of it. a joint. I did it in Boulder at the halfway house for a guy. That's where I kept coming up positive. I was going on the job site, snort and coke. He was having a hard time with me. That's the place where I put the

fucking draino on my dick. Okay. And the next day... Just try to, you know, unclog it? No, the next day when I went to the job site was when I realized my dick was bleeding. Oh, my God. And I had to tell him, my dick's bleeding. I've got to go to the doctor and shit. How do you notice it was bleeding?

Did it get a piss or something? I pulled the skin back and I saw my helmet and I saw it was all bloody and scabby. Wasn't it burning? The Drano did something to it like I didn't happen in my dick hole for that long. It was for the pee test

so I would pull the skin back. Oh, you're trying to... I'm circumcised dick and I put a chunk of draino in there and put the skin over it and then when I pee I pulled the skin back and the draino pellet would fall off into the fucking... They'd be like, look, you're clean.

We learned that you're unclosed. toilet you're amazing your piss is amazing I fucked up so many of those machines they knew I was doing something oh okay because I was like they knew after the first time I put Drano first time I put Drano pool cleaner mm-hmm I figure out wait a second like chlorine you take those little things that you know those pellets yeah is it chlorine though you take a chlorine pellet okay and people put them in a thing and they floated around the pool to kill all the germs I said that kills the P doesn't it absolutely so I took it and I

grinding it down with a hammer like a fucking rock a coke and I had it like powderized like yeah because we have big buckets of it yeah it comes in either buckets or it comes in a capsule I went and bought the capsules because I'm an asshole obviously but I smashed the fucking thing down Lee you didn't do a bonkent today uh he had secondary I'll do I'll do it I'll do it but I can't even imagine like thank God it's liquid now I can't even imagine oh yeah because you were doing in powder. I've never even seen a powder, but that can't be good. You've never seen a powder drain no? No. No one likes you. It's a little container like that. It's a circle and you pour it over. Like Ajax. You'll have to do the whole thing like Ajax. Oh my God. You've seen Ajax, right? I've seen it,

but I wouldn't put it on my dick. Well, you're not as exciting as us. That's why. Oh, my God. I pour it in my dick. No? All right. I'm just seeing if you're listening. I can't imagine how much that burns. what's that? Putting stuff on your dick I don't put Well, at first I would wipe my I would wipe the helmet off If it would no moisture

And I would let's say I had a pee right now Like I'd pull up here And I'd put I take my dick out in the car And I'd put the drain over my dick then Okay I'd secure a little chunk to the bottom of my dick And I'd pull the skin over

So it wouldn't fall On the way of the pee test And I would take the skin from the dick And put it upward Towards my belt So it'd be tied to something. I don't fuck around.

No, obviously. I would walk up the stairs. I would do the paperwork, and then he'd make me go in the bathroom. There'd be mirrors on top of the toilet and to the sides. And he would stand outside. So all I would do is take my dick out, pull the skin back, and pee in the thing.

And I'd see the chip fall into the thing. Would it start, like, bubbling like alcohol? Seltzer. Like, what would happen? Right off the fucking back. Oh, my God. It would make, like, a weird noise. blows it and there's something else I put on my

dick there was a couple things I put to try it. The Drano shut me down. The Drano was the last one because after that they were like, that's it. That's such a bad chemical that's like putting that kind of chemical

on your dick is so bad. I can't even imagine. I mean, I don't have a dick but you're addicted, you do what the fuck you need to do. But I had friends that would try everything when they had to take a test like that drug test try everything drink this drink that drink chlorox an idiot drank chlorox i used to drink uh these kids think they're cool with tie

pods no i used to drink uh not i used to drink white vinegar white vinegar white vinegar would that help at all not a fucking thing i mean i'm just curious because it's like i'm embarrassed to even tell the story embarrassed no because i know my friends would try every fucking thing i I tried everything. Yeah, but I never heard Drano. What's the shit you put in jello to make it thick? There's a thing. Serna,

Sarah, I tried zinc because if you eat a bunch of zinc, your body gets hot. There's something that makes your body sting. I did that. This was way before a headshot. This is 87 when I was doing the one. This is before the internet.

Would vitamins work? Would vitamins work? Because you know a vitamin? Sometimes you take a vitamin in the very next. from 88 to 91. And it was a fucking nightman. Three years of piss test. That for no reason, because it didn't do anything.

It didn't deter my drug use. Right. It just taught me how to break the system. It just taught me how to fool the fucking system. Yeah. Well, see, you're learning something at least. It's not like it didn't teach you anything or it didn't do anything. No, no, no, because it just taught me how to work around the system.

Yeah. I had become such a, I don't even know what I told me. It's not a sneak, but I knew I could get high Friday nights. Yeah. Okay, I knew I could get high Friday nights. That judicial system didn't do much for me at the time because I wasn't really ready to get, you know, whatever the fuck the word is. Yeah. So I would get higher.

You mean like clean? Yeah. Like I didn't want to stop doing drugs. So I would get higher. Look at this poor bastard. Poor thing, huh? It's a little boring. It's kind of bullying, huh?

Not fucking bullying. We got to get the party started. We didn't do no edibles today. Why no edibles? Because I got shit to do tonight. Oh, okay. I wasn't even going to bring it up. I was like, you forgot about the animals.

I didn't forget about none. I got like 10 pieces in the fucking bag ready to sink your ship. Oh, my God. But that means I fucked myself up tonight, too, and I got plans for tonight. I got things to do and people to sing. Got plans. I got to do some shit, so. No, no, it didn't rehabilitate me at all.

It made me. It made me work around the system, Melanorn. Like, I know you have bread. And it, it really sucks. Like, I wasted my time and their time. Yeah. Like, I wish they would have, like, taken a survey afterward or something years later.

Done something. Push that away from there before you tip it over this, Illinois jacket. You know, I wish they would have took a survey to see whatever systems they had worked. Because they didn't deter me at all. But they were trying, That's what they were trying to do.

They're trying to scare you with the P test. I thought it was to keep you from losing a job. No. No jobs didn't really get a piss test. No jobs didn't really get pissed test. My friends all had them. 988, 87, 89. Nah, they weren't hip yet.

Maybe it was the 90s, you're right. Yeah, they got hip back in the 90s. Then they really got hip to it. Now, if you're a mailman, you can't get high. My friends will long show him and he can't get high. You can't get fucking high. But again, you get high on a Friday and really be cool. It's the THC.

Yeah. That sits in you. I don't know how long opiates stay in your blood for. I don't know either. I don't do drugs. I suck at life. I should do drugs. You've never done a drug.

Not really. Your brothers and sisters? Yes. Not all of them. What made you not do drugs? Me and my brother Billy were very young. I think we were riding big wheels. That's how young.

and we saw a guy overdose, like a neighborhood kid who was like, he was a big basketball star. He was going to be everything. And we watched him fall and he just started foaming at the mouth. And he just started. And I was like, oh, my God. And my brother Jimmy, who's nine years older than us, was like, get out of here. Get home. So he kicked us out.

But me and Billy kept watching and I watched this kid. And then Jimmy saw us again. And he goes, that's what happens if you do drugs. And I was like, oh, shit. So I got scared. and get and this guy's whole life was ruined he is from he didn't die but his brain didn't come back right and to this day he walks in our neighborhood and every time i bring people in my neighborhood that don't know him they get scared of him they're like hey that guy i'm like no that's cool that's gary he's cool

he's fine he won't hurt you never recover nope never recovered and he'll take steps and step back you know he's one of those he's been in halfway houses his whole life his parents kicked him out drugs he was every scott a basketball scholarship they were coming every college was after him he fucked everything up and it and it just scared me I was like oh fuck but it didn't stop my brother Billy

he did it he does him sometimes I don't know if he still does I'm not gonna say that they probably just smoke pot and stuff now no they've gotten crafty Charlie's a my brother Charlie likes to drink he's been drinking since the sixth grade full blown alcoholic but

he doesn't care that's what he does he's still works, pays his rent, that's it. That's it. He's not bothering. Nobody. He's not bothering you. And I have nothing against those people at all. At all. I like people who are very honest with themselves. They know they are. He's like, this is what I do. They go to work. They put $25 a week for drinking.

Yes. In their back account, they give to the house, whatever they have to contribute. And the rest goes to Charlie's Grill. That's right. On the corner, they don't want to go anywhere else. Guess what? You can't get them to go to another bar. That's right. They don't want to go to another bar. If you have to go to another bar, it's the worst thing in the world. It would kill them.

And sometimes they do for a change of pace. Like on Saturday mornings, they meet the guys from work over at a different bar and watch college football. And I don't know. I never put that lifestyle down. I just knew it wasn't for me. It's tough because, to be very honest, growing up, like, if I had to think about it, I probably did put that life. Like, it's not, there's nothing like glamour. To me, there's nothing, there was nothing glamorous about that lifestyle.

Well, there was glamour to it, for sure. But now, like. You grew up in the wrong neighborhood. That's true. But seeing, like, now growing up and seeing, just, listening to that Elton John song at the beginning, I was never a music person. But now that I've had relationships, you start,

they're like, oh, I see what's going on when people listen to music. When you see adults and you're like, you know what, maybe they just, they stayed too long at that shitty job. And this is how they, survive and it's it's it'd be easier to be more empathetic now I think I think that it's when somebody accepts their position mm-hmm which always has shocked me and at the same time made me happy yeah there's people accept that position this is what they do yeah and this what they're going to do and this is how they live and they're very proud of that they're very

proud of space and I give those people all the props in the fuck all the props I love people like that thing you know like I had that crazy Vietnam buddy in Boulder he lived like in a fucking Vietnam nest like he thought he was still in Vietnam yeah leaves on the wall and shit but once I got to

know him all those years here it is when I saw him I knew who he was but when I went to his apartment I really got to know who he was like that was the simplest way to break it down like you see what makes people tick

Yeah. That's the thing. People immediately shut somebody out. Like if they see a guy like that or my friend back home, they immediately go, oh, no, he looks fucked up. We're not going to talk to them, no matter what. Their house is all dingy. Don't talk to them. Those sometimes are the greatest people in the world.

They're just going through some shit. They can't get out of a rut, whatever it is. They're not hurting nobody, except themselves. When I come here, before I come here, it depends what route I go. I stop at 7-Eleven. This 7-Eleven doesn't have cigarettes now until. February fucking 18s. What?

Because they sold fucking cigarettes and underminer. So I got to go over here for my nicotine gum. This one over here is a weird one because there's a lot of homeless people that are not there. There's a black guy every time I see him, I throw him a 20. Okay. Just him. Just him. Because you had a conversation with him and you see.

I made a decision about between eight bums. Okay. And narrowed it down. He's the, I understood his journey. More. In my head, I paint. Like, there's another guy that takes bottles. So I always give him three bottles and a dollar.

Okay, and I have my reasoning with him because he's not looking for money. He's looking for bottles. He's got a bag of bottles. That's all he does is walk around all day and grab fucking recyclable bottles. I got to respect that guy. Yeah.

You know, he's not looking for a handout. Just give me whatever bottles you got in a fucking car. And I see more people give him bottles in a dollar than the guys that are just standing out. They're going, Can I have a dollar? Can I have chains? Like when I see a kid asking me for chains, I tell him to fuck off. 24 to 43.

I tell him to fuck off. Now I understand mental health. Yeah. Now the black guy I see, I got very many reasons. First of all, he's 6'4, 265. If I remember walking in this neighborhood and I got a problem in that fucking on Gaios, he's going to pick some. It's a good word. but you're right you could tell he's got the strength of 10 fucking yams you know what I'm saying

y'all will be there he's got the strength of 10 black dudes and i've spoken to him and i've looked in his eyes he's got a little bit of mental health but you want me tell what the other part of it is he just gave up he just wanted to be happy yeah i see him walking smoking a cigarette listen to music bouncing and i go you know what i wish i had that happiness right just woke up in a cave the ultimate happiness you know i just woke up in a cave the ultimate happiness you know i just woke up in a cave and I'm worried about my bills. I'm worried about my daughter. I'm worried about my wife.

And there's all good things. But look at that guy. No worries. That guy lives in Southern California and a park around here somewhere. He looks like the wolf man. He dresses up at Denny's because when I was eating at Denny's,

the baby likes Denny's once a week. That she likes breakfast for dinner. So I got a sick thing at the turkey club and I see him come in. And on the way out, I call him over to a table and give him a 20. And the people at Denny's look at me like, He ain't sitting here.

He's on his way, but don't worry about it. But at least he knows what my wife and daughter look like. That's right. My wife told me one day, I saw him, I saw your boy and I gave him $10. I go, why? And she goes, because there's a lot of times I'm walking there, same thing. I got a problem. That's right.

I know Tarzan will come over and kill him. I'm surprised you haven't given him your address. He'll kill him. Those homeless dudes, that dude's got the strength of 10 bears. I'm always friends with homeless. Me too. First move to L.A. I used to walk.

But I know who's a con man. I know who's a bullshitter. You knew the bullshit. There's a kid that hangs out that always knows up from the church. But he's homeless? He's homeless as far. Wow. But I could tell he's just out there drinking.

I gave money one time, but I could tell that the first time he bullshitted me, told me he's trying, blah, blah, blah. He sleeps by the library. Okay. He breaks into the library gate. He sleeps on there on the floor. Every day when I, moved here i would walk to the comedy store on sunset from sunset martel to the comedy store i knew

every homeless person and sometimes when people would donate things to the comedy store like a lot of comics would bring like old clothes and stuff and nobody wanted them i would give them to the homeless guys on the way there was one lady and all mostly men there was mary who used to sit outside rock and roll ralphs all the time i got a different homeless guy too that he he lives over on chanella and he's he lives like And under that bridge, the tunnel, if you go from Coenga, I don't know, Tahuahanga, to Kofax. He lives under that little bridge. I don't even know what that bridge is there. But he comes out in the daytime, but he goes into the jungle at night.

He's got a cart with hubcaps. He won't take a dime from you. He'll take food and clothes. So I bring him clothes. Oh, that's interesting. I take him clothes and food. Usually it's the other way. They get mad if you don't give them money.

No, no, no, no. He doesn't want nothing from nobody. It's very interesting to different personalities. You don't have to go home at times and go. If I was homeless, how, you know, low would I stoop? Would I fucking go to a shelter? Would I live outside? I mean, if I live in California.

Well, you can go to a shelter. You just have to behave. They will kick you out. Yeah, you can't. You get there by a certain point. You sign up. But I used to hang out with the homeless all the time. I used to feel bad.

When I first moved here, I was really naive. And not naive, but I would feel bad. I was like, how the hell are these people survived? It's so hot. I have no idea. I have no idea. There was the lady Mary. Her legs were so swollen from the sun.

We used to break my heart. Then I'd see her at the bank. I'm like, this bitch has a bank account. But you knew she had a family and she just like somehow gave up or whatever the fuck she did. I don't know. And then Angela, when I would give him clothes, I remember giving him shoes from my first ex-fiancee's brother, who was very wealthy. And he goes, these aren't my fucking size. And he threw him down.

And I was like, Angela, what do you want? me like they're nice shoes they're like top of the line put them on he's like they're not my thighs and he would freak out but then if I give him a sandwich he'd be fine you know what I mean like never ask me for money but every time I come around they go in my trunk

and fucking see what I had not in a bad way just to check it out but they all of them would go to shelters except for Mary she liked to stay outside I don't know what you're a Catholic woman yeah you believe in buying one of stuff you feel like pulling over and just sucking one of their dicks

okay uh angel it was a handsome guy just a joke one guy had a swollen nut because maybe they need a nooky cookie right the wrong those homeless guys maybe i'm sure well how did they do that that's the other thing there's only a few homeless women we got to take them home bathe them oh i got a bathe them sure you got to take them home give them the extra strength soap sometimes bring one in to clean the shower afterward in new york i tried to bring one home my mom got madden he was gorgeous there's one There's one I saw, I told me, whenever I go to Hollywood, I go to that bagel place across from the griddle on sunset. They make nice turkey sandwiches. Yes.

Yes. It's a very good. Good, good Sam. They make a decent sandwich. The bagel, they're all the same. It don't matter. But there's a chicken there I saw one day that was homeless as fuck. Oh, man.

And she was at 10. She was one of those girls that came here. Do you remember the girl that used to go to the comedy store that used to wear a wig? She was really pretty, and she got involved with a bunch of black guys. I think they even, they did something to her at the comedy store one night. This was a while ago, or this is recent? There was a black kid that used to hang out with Eddie Griffin. Okay.

He wasn't famous. His father was famous. Ugh. A writer. He had a few shows on the air, and he would come in. to the store and it had something to do with that guy. They did something to her one night. I feel like I know who you're talking about.

She was really good looking and she would come to the store on Sundays to watch with a wig. And she befriended me one night there at the store and we started talking. And I think she was really a hooker. Probably. With mental problems. And I would see her on sunset with like different wigs on. Every day she had a different wing on. Well, she might have been out there helping the homeless.

It was really weird how many mental health people you come across at the comedy store, especially on Sunday nights, like the people that are really, you have to be nervous about. What was the kid that they said I threw him out? I never threw them on. And they did a documentary about him. Boom chakalaka? No, I love Boobit Chalaka. The old guy that used to come.

You remember? Crispy chicken. Mickey, there's a million of them. We talk about them all the time on the Comedy Star podcast. There was one guy that used to come in that used to break my balls. Oh, was it a machine ripped her leg out? Gaylord, Gaylord Dingler. Yeah.

A machine ripped her leg off. I had to quit Sundays because I started learning their fucking mental illness acts. Like, I would know their stand-up in and out. And then they did the documentary about Gaylord Dingler. And they thought it was me who killed them. Because somebody said he died. Somebody said Mickey killed him, this older guy, Mickey, who he used to hang out with. And they said he killed him.

He beat him up. He left him for dead. And that wasn't true. He was back with his family. So I don't know who made up that fucking rumor, but they probably blamed you too. Because he got to fight with him. I had a fight with him, but not a fist fight. No, I fought with him every fucking night.

He would break my balls. Like it was like you would have the list of a comedy store with the names and he was trying to muscle his way on the death. Oh, the fight with that fucking guy. And I would go, Gaylord, stop it. You're not on the list. You better check that list, man. You better check that list. And I would go, Gaylord, I'm looking at it right now.

Find your fucking name. I'll give you $5. It's not on that list. I don't need your fucking list. It's not on that list. And one night we had an argument about son. I told him, Gaylord, get the fuck out. I've had enough of this shit.

Like, I've been taking this shit from you for years. You know, he was an older guy, so I felt disrespectful. A lot older. Like, not a kid. I felt really bad. And one night I just had to tell him to go fuck himself. And then he would show up to threaten me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He would come up there with a knife. With a knife? I don't fucking know. He would always threaten me. And one day I think I grabbed him. Something happened. I told him, I said, you're going to kill me, kill me, but stop lurking up you. Get the fuck out of here.

And then that was it. I never heard about Gay Lord Dingley. I forgot the name. And one day when Mysore Space becomes popular, I get a hit on MySpace. From a Gaylord? No, they want to interview me for a documentary about what? what happened to Gay Lord Dingler that he's missing. Did I kill him?

I didn't fucking kill nobody. I forget who did it. But yeah, I did it with Todd Bunton that did the documentary. Every fucking time something happened at the store. They lit that kid on fire one night. Okay. The kid that comes at night that makes the swat stickers. That goes like this.

That was a funny comic and he got into a car accident. And Mitzie told him he could close out the shows. Oh, Robert William Approvaya. Sure. So one night. Eddie used to light him on fire all the time. He used to go in the fucking bathroom. and they would show paper in the fire.

They would throw paper with fire on it and they'd lock him in there. And he'd be in there, help, help, help, fucking lit him on fire. The Nazis are trying to kill me. And he would do the thing with the Nazi. He would go like this, put the little mustache over his own. He would go like that. The Nazis are trying to get me. The Nazis.

He called me a Nazi one night. I'm not a fucking Nazi. I'm Cuban. Stop it. I used to get annoyed from these guys. Why are you getting annoyed by someone? who has special problem he's special because I don't need the admiration listen I used to host from 8 to 10 that no 10 to 11 until dice got there yeah then I quit then I

relinquish my spot yeah I would put two people up dice you ready to go I'm sick of hosting yeah I'm ready doing I want to do it all the night they'd love it when you do two hours really yeah yeah everybody fucking hates them and you're like I have 18 comments up there who hasn't got a in a spot in a year waiting for a spot and I would invite them all up but what They didn't know is I was also calling Dice or Eddie Griffin or Tommelin to get down there. I got a nice spot for them. They could do two or three hours and these guys would be waiting. I'm going up tonight.

Oh, Eddie would do three hours. They'd bring their families and everything and I would bring fucking Eddie down there. Are there still comics out there who blame you for like, Joey didn't let me go on? Well, they wouldn't blame Joey. They didn't blame Dice or Eddie. There's a woman that still walks around until today and says that she missed her cable show because I wouldn't switch spots with them. and it's her career's over. Chachar Sandoval.

Shut your, I just ran into her. I can't believe you brought her name up. Until this day, and I don't even know how many motherful years. I still hear it from people that Chachar Sandoval said because you wouldn't switch spots with her. She didn't get a spot in a major league TV show. I love people. She wants me to do her show and I am going to do it and then bring her up that she would have been gigantic if Joe Diaz did not. At Switch.

At Switch Spot, she would have been the biggest comic. Guys, if things wouldn't have worked out as they did, I would have left here and said, you know what? Listen, I got into Spider-Man, too. I got into the longest yard. I proved my point. I did a couple shows. I got into the stand-up.

I got into the Mitsy Shores. Yeah. But what ruined my life was doing drugs. Like, that was it. I'm not going to lie to you. And at times, I still feel like I could have done more. but those first 17 years are doing coke in the beginning didn't. You know, I accept my fate of what I have.

But that's an amazing bounce back, by the way. No, no, even if you've got to remember, I booked the longest yard, coked up to the gills. With an impediment. I book Spider-Man, too, coked up to the gills. All those things coked up to the gills. And nobody do nothing. Following Rogan and Paul Mooney at the store.

That's right. Not coked up to the gills. But, you know, afterward I get coked up to the gills. But. But, yeah, you did a lot considering. If you ask me what happened, Joey, when I'm 85, when I live in a fucking bedroom apartment and kids, you know, kids throw a ball behind your backyard.

You're like, wait a second. Weren't you one of my favorite movies? And you show them your movie posters, you know, you still live in nostalgia. You know, it's like, have you ever gone to that sag place up in Woodland Hills where old people live? Go up there, dog. I can't.

I don't have a heart. And say, you want to do an interview. You'll be there for two years. Because those old people, that's all they want to do is talk. They're actors from. the fucking 40s. That's a great idea. And they got stories to tell. They'll tell you about the Formosa when they blew John Wayne.

Yeah. The sexual assault was a way of life. Well, yeah, it was a sexual assault was a way of life here. You know, they got stories up there. So can you imagine, say bumping into your grandfather and him wanted to tell you. And if a kid looked me in the face and said, Mr. Diaz, do you think you could have been as big as blue as CK? What were the reasonings why you didn't? I'd say, to be honest, the one reason.

Because all that shit I did all those years, you know, it just, plus I was 32 when I moved. There was a lot of variables. And in fact, it really doesn't matter. There's a lottery anyway. But if you sit there and saying it's a cable show, that's a fucking problem. That's a fucking problem. That's a mental.

I was thinking of Danny Stone the other day. God bless his soul. I think he died. Rest his soul. Yes, he did. Danny Brown. I saw a pick. Danny Stone.

Stone. I saw, Danny Stone was a comic at the comedy store. He only did Rodney. That was there through all those years. He did a great Rodney impression, and that was his whole act. And that was his whole act. But he was a good-looking guy. He was Dayton-Mittsey when I first met him.

Here's the beauty of that guy. He would look you straight in the face and tell you that Rodney ruined his career. So I would sit there and go, so wait a second. So Rodney called every comedy club individually and said not to hire you because you did an impression of him. him. It's all he did. That's all he did. But it doesn't matter. Rodney's not going to take the time to call across the country to go, hey,

don't hire him no more because he's doing an impression of me. But nobody's going to hire him because that's all he does. There's no segues. There's no... No. They didn't hire him because he did coke all the fucking time. All that too. That's why they didn't hire him. You know, you have to be honest with yourself. It's a stand-up. You have to be

honest yourself as an individual. Why am I not getting the opportunities these guys are getting? Yeah. I got the opportunities. I got them. I just blew him. I just blew him. That was it.

At least be honest. But don't sit there and blame it on. Well, Jewel came out with a song that year. And I went to a party and I called her a cuntit. Now nobody wants to hire me. That's a lie. It's all bullshit. They caught fucking, what's his name in a suit,

jerking off with a Batman suit on. And look, now he's winning Academy Awards and these Iron Men. Yeah. This town forgives, number one. This town forgives a lot. If unless you... If you have what to back it up with. If you have something to back it up with.

And if you're sincerely apologetic and get help. Yeah. They don't give a fuck. I can't wait for Louis special to come out. You think? Oh, absolutely. He's working out already, correct? I don't know about that, but I don't know about that.

No, I heard he's been showing up to clubs. I believe it would happen. It's all he could do. It's all he knows how to do other than be creepy and, you know, do that kind of shit. And I thought I hadn't heard any allegations against Louis. for a long, long time. So I just assumed he was getting help. His wife left him.

Shit happened in his life. Yeah, he was succeeding. But at the same time, I thought he was getting help. And then everything comes out and his career goes away. So I think in, like Louis' defense, he got away from Becky. And I don't think Becky did anything wrong, truly. Is that weird of me to say? What I think is, Louis got to him first.

You know what I mean? Like when that happened in Aspen and those girls went running to tell, hey, he did this in our, in his room, you know, we were sitting there with clothes and whatever. They went. They fucking told like you're supposed to do. Everybody got like, oh, we're going to fucking march for you. We're going to. And then when they, Louis got to Becky first and he said, these girls, I tried to fuck around with them. They didn't want to.

Now they're fucking trying to ruin my marriage. He didn't tell him specifically what he did. I'm positive he didn't, especially that first time. Because for somebody to go out on a limb to defend you like that, if you did something that's stupid, you know what I mean? You would want to keep it real quiet. He made a stink, Becky. He fucking yelled at everybody. Too bad.

Louis's doing this. You're trying to ruin his marriage. Knock it the fuck off. You know what I mean? Maybe later he caught on Becky, but I don't think he's an accomplice. Like they're like his career should go. Louis should go. This one should go.

You know what I'm saying? What he did was creepy, Louis. I want to know the name. of the agents that sent all those girls to Harvey Clinton Harvey Winston's right They're pimps they're fucking They know exactly what was happening

You know it was great The morning after the fucking golden globes They posted all these pictures of Harvey Weinstein and Oprah And him kissing her These people are disgusting If you're listening at home And you live in Ohio or whatever

And you're sitting there going One day I'm going to move to California Listen to me Stay where you are They're all scumbags At least you have humans around you. At least these people have feelings. They look at you in the name.

I have dealt with criminals that have more decency. Yes. These fucking people I deal with on a daily basis. I trust them as far as I can throw them. I don't give a fuck. I keep doing the podcast. I keep doing my stand-up. I do what I can control.

Not what they can control. I agree. That's it. I mean, I think I'm thrilled that women are standing up for themselves and being heard. Absolutely. Some people are going a little too crazy with it. And it's undermining the real. fucking problems that we need

like this Aziz Azari shit. Did you read that one? I'm not a big fan of his but that's that's just a bad date bitch you got to learn that's just you fucked up you made a bad decision. You suck the dick. Once you suck a dick Once you suck a dick That's twice. That's twice. The party's over.

Twice. Nobody forced you to do anything lady. Listen once you suck a dick if I do a reach around and stick it in your asshole or finger in your ass ass. We're in the middle of suck. You didn't give me permission. Yeah. Oops. Yeah. Fucking flip. You know what I mean?

Cut it. Well, I knew this was going to happen. Listen, Elmore, I'm a way different person who I was 40 years ago. Of course. I'm a way different person who I was 30 years ago and I'm a way different person to who I was 20 years ago. You cannot come out of the woodwork now and say that 22 years ago I took it to a whole entire room and put a coke rock in your pussy or something like that. You cannot. You cannot.

That was me then. This is now. I don't buy it. You know, so Dustin Hoffman wanted a foot rub in 1970. or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah. Put his foot in somebody's crutch. That I cannot live with.

Listen, somebody does something to you. Raise your fucking head. If you're not fearful, then it wasn't all that bad. If I pull a knife on you, Ellen, and you make it out of you,

you're going to call 911. You're going to call 911. I would never call 911. You're going to call somebody. Same thing with Lee. I pull a gun on Lee and I'm going to shoot you. Lee runs out of here, calls the cops.

What's the difference when I put my dick on you? Oh, why? Because I'm in a position of power. This has been going on for centuries. That's what we were just saying about those sag ladies. Their position of power. You know what? I feel bad for all these people, but I feel bad for Marilyn Monroe.

Malin Monroe was the first. They passed her around like a fucking piece of bread. You like when you were to an Italian dinner and they get the bread and pass her around? They passed her around like a piece of fucking bread, dog. And they do this to all these girls. They know this shit. They know who's hot. They know who's not.

You know, when Dean, when, when, when, when, uh, when fucking, uh, Harvey Weinstein calls the black dude and the director. Yeah. They got in trouble together. What's their names? Are you talking about Woody Allen? No, the other director. Rattner and his black button.

Rattner? Oh, okay. Whatever's name is. It doesn't matter. When he calls him up and says, oh, you're having a party. Who's going? Oh, this one, this one. Oh, she's going to be that little cocksucker.

You know, they've been doing this for years. Sure. I remember his parties. And I want the list of the chicks that did suck his dick to get a movie. Yeah. You know, that's what I do want. That's what I'm interested. And aren't complaining.

And at the end of the fucking road, I think half these chicks sucked his dick. You saw the tapes of them thanking. We all saw them. We live in this hypocrite. This city right here is a walking fucking hypocrisy. Absolutely. We see it in people we don't know. We see it amongst the people.

We do know. And it's such a hypocritical city that it makes you sick to your stomach. if you have a heartbeat or if you were raised with any type of fucking, if you were raised in any type of normal environment, this is all out of whack to you. I agree. It's out of whack to me.

It's, but the thing is like, I don't like when people say it only exists in Hollywood. It doesn't. It does exist everywhere. There's creeps everywhere. You know what I mean? Like,

I have a friend, he's like, there's pedophilia only in Hollywood. Only in Hollywood. I'm like, dude, we go to church every Sunday. Two of our priests, we're all,

you know what I mean? It's fucking everywhere. I'm just saying, pay attention look out raise your kids fucking make them be aware my mom told us about that shit when we were kids she also told us nobody wanted us so don't flatter yourself nobody's trying to finger you in the back of the year when you're a kid your mom has to sit you down yes yes you're a daughter especially a daughter and talk to you again talk to you again and bring it up again and

I've never heard of things till I left North Oregon I never heard of such things You know, the girls, the parents, where I grew up, the parents are tight with the girls. The girls will always watch. You know, I grew up very naive. There was a lot of girls I went to high school with, and I never fucked that I heard now was sucking dick with three hands in the sixth grade. You know, I'm the dude that always showed up. Those are good girls. Yeah, I'm the one that always showed up that nobody wanted to fuck after they fucked 18 guys.

They already fucked 18 guys. And now they went to church, ate the cookie. Now they're going to change. Now I decide to take them out on a date. You know what I'm saying? The week they don't want to suck dick no more The week I take another thing Oh, Joey

No, no, no, no, but it's But it's true It's like we grew up a different way I mean, I was fortunate I had five older brothers, you know what I mean? And we were tight and they would tell me You know, if somebody does this to you Punch him in the fucking face.

And we'll come in 10 minutes You don't need to go to the cops, just come tell us We'll kill the whole family. You got 10 fucking minutes. We're fine. I don't, you know, and they were all, listen, even the actors, there's girls that

every actor goes to a city for something. It happens everywhere. Yeah, yeah. Where you go and there's... There's a little more entitlement here. There's a little more entitlement here. But when you go to Minneapolis and you're in a hotel and there's a girl there that is a fan of yours

or there's a fan of something you do, you know how easy it is to take advantage of that girl? Ten years younger than you're a movie store, and they've all done it. Yeah. They've all done it. That's why they're all hiding right now. They're hoping these girls forget.

They're hoping these girls forget. It was too long ago. Everybody goes to a town. Yeah. And some innocent girl comes up to you. Have you really been on TV? And right away, it removes everything. Oh, yeah.

They put you on a different type of better still. And you take your dick out and they suck. I mean, it's fucking, you know. Same. It happens to me all the time. You were saying earlier that this town can be forgiving. And I think it can. But to me, what I've learned since being here is that they'll forgive you.

And this could be everywhere, but it's all about money. You're a beautiful man. There you go. It's got to be forgiving, and you have to show up in an envelope. That's right. You have to be forgiving. You have to put money in their pocket again so they understand their forgiving. You know, in 1993, in 1995, I was not charged.

I was accused of sexual harassment. Okay. A girl in a comedy club said I grabbed arrest. I did not say that Fine and dandy I took it like a man I knew I had I knew my intentions weren't bad Right

She was running towards me And I jumped and grabbed her ass You know like when she jumped Got it If you've ever been at the Denver comedy work She walk upstairs She ran down the stairs She's like Joey and she jumped

And I held on to her ass chief She did not complain A manager there That was also a comic at my level Me and him were running neck And neck he saw it Pulled her a side and said to her, you should press charges for Joey.

There was no charges press. They told the club manager, and I was banned for life. One of the best things that ever happened, because I had decided what I wanted to, because why stay in Denver with two shitty clubs when you can't do the comedy works? That's no fun. Yeah. And I had to make a decision, and I got the fuck out of there. 20 years later, I met that fucking festival.

Wow. The big festival with Dave Chappelle, and she's there. And she goes, how are you? Wendy. The Aspen? No, the other one. Hard ball. Hard ball.

Oh, okay. And Wendy comes up. She goes, how you doing? Wendy's great. Do you hate me? And I go, no. As a matter of fact, I love you because if you were to throw me out, I would have still been in bold or humping it, being a fucking stiff.

Yeah. She goes, what do you mean? And I explained my situation. You didn't know what I was going through that time. I was going through a war on my ex-wife. And right now I was ready to kill her. So you were willing to keep me alive. You thrown me out of the club.

made me who I am today. And I never sexually harassed nobody. If I would have done that, you would have heard it a thousand times. She goes, you're absolutely right. Have your agent call me. Get a date for me. There you go.

Money talks and bullshit walks. That's right. Because she knows you're going to bring money into the club. And she knows what I did was bullshit. It was bullshit. And I said it 20 years ago, but I didn't have a length to stand on it.

It was part of the bad luck that I was going through. Yeah. I was going through a bunch of bad things at the time divorced. No money. I was getting taken to court. I was frustrated because of comedy.

I was broke. That was part of the fucking thing that toughen me up. And look, it proved it. I'm no fucking sexual assault. I'll tell you to your face. I want a thing of you. That's right. You're very open.

And that's a thing. Like, we work in comedy clubs, you know, like at the comedy star. I can remember being in a meeting about sexual. Like, you know, they have to give the pamphlets out. Like, hey, if this happens during work, you know, the HR people. But Comedy Star doesn't really have HR people. But especially back when we were dead years. And I remember they were handing out things and the poor manager was trying to read the fucking pamphlet out loud like this, if this happens.

Because the guy was there watching to make sure we had the meeting. And as they were doing the meeting, we were all standing in the kitchen. And I was like leaning with my ass out where that servant's entrances in the kitchen. And one of the comics came in and right in the middle of this fucking speech, he smacks me right in the ass. And he goes, what's up, Ellen? Oh. Eddie Griffin. No, it was Dave Tyrese.

same shit. And so I love Dave. But I go, I stood up and I went, I think this meeting's over. Okay. Hi, Dave. I just came on. And we laughed so hard. He had no idea what the fuck we were doing. He just saw we were just, why is everybody standing in the kitchen? But he hit me so hard. It just vibrated through the whole fucking room. It was the best day. We had a blast. So it was like, what? Is that a sexual assault? No, that's funny. That's comedy. It's enough. I mean, we knew each other. We were very good friends. I had a girl at Flappers telling me the last time I saw you grab my pussy and I looked at it. See, no, if he did that, you're like, oh, I didn't grab this girl.

No, but if he grabbed somebody. I looked at the face and I said, first off, I didn't grab your pussy. And number two, don't fucking ever repeat something that fucking stupid. This had to be about two years. It was right after Mercy he was born. Oh, Jesus. I went up to Flappers one night and she was the. The social media girl. Okay.

I was very nice to. It was me and Jim Jeffries. Okay. We were talking to her the whole night. And I guess she gets hammered. And somewhere in her hammed mind, she said, I grabbed the bus. I was like, no, I don't.

Don't ever repeat that. Yeah, that's terrible. I don't even fucking know you. And we ended up becoming friends and shit. She ended up working at the store for a while, and she quit there, too. Sarah. Sarah dresses.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. She does. Yes, I like her. But yes, she definitely has some mental. Yeah. Some problems.

Yeah. She's funny, too. She's real fucking funny. Because I wish I saw her more because she's one. You know, you root for these women that are fucking really funny. Not just women who are like, I'm a woman and nobody hires me. And that's why I'm not working. No, bitch.

We need fucking hardcore funny comics out there. You know, they're really getting together this thing against the store. And it's all these women that couldn't get arrested in fucking Sin City. And they torment the store. They look at the lineups every night and they send themselves messages. And it's first off, it's women that wouldn't get spots at the store. And the good thing about me is I stole all those lineups from when I was a regular in the fucking 90s and 2000. Good for you.

And it was the same about a women in the lineups when Mitzie was there. Um, I do believe Mitzi worked with more, because this is the thing. Mitzi did the main room and she did it as a variety show. So if you notice in the main room, it would be Janice Hart opening. I don't even know if you remember that name. These are like the 90s. And then it would be Argus in the 915 spot, 915 crossed the board, Argus got. And then it would be another Monica Gaines who was more of a character kind of a thing.

And it was kind of like the warm up. and then it would go Cappanara, Malruni, Mooney, like that kind of it would get into the stand-up, stand-ups. Sherry Shepherds, Ritha Jones, you know what I mean? They were, and they used to complain, Sherry and Rith

used to complain, we're at the back of the lineup and it's because we're black. And it's like, no, no, like, look at what's happening. Like, it's, it's a variety show. Val Pappas. They were singing. They did weird characters. You know what I mean? And that's what Mitzi saw that big main room as she wanted it to be a variety show and nobody ever got it i knew it because

i was her assistant so she would fucking tell me on a regular basis so then when the girls polly got mad at monica gaines he was like you believe my mom still books that shit and so monica stopped coming valpapa they just got older it just became a weird thing and it just faded out and then sherry and Ritha moved up because those kind of things faded out and it became a regular comic comedy list you know what I mean there was no more singers and dancers and bullshit and not that it's bullshit they were funny they did a great job it was just not what you want to see a black kid james stevens a third james stevens a turd paul mooney called him yes the other guy that used to sing that's still in Vegas good looking black guy finis henderson beautiful voice beautiful voice yes she liked that that that was that was

That was her thing for the main room. That was her variety show. And then the original room was your Rickas, your Mae Mae Aulis, you know, they were Mitzie's babies, Tommy Davidson. And it was a mix of every. And then upstairs, the belly room. Belly room was at that point when I got there was already into the bringer kind of thing. Not bringer, but produce shows, outside produce shows. And Mitty did prefer it if you were a paid regular who wanted to run a certain show up there.

But early, she put all the women up there to get them ready to come down, to make them strong. A farm team. And then what happened was they got so popular up there that, like, Lebo and those guys would go up there and be like, hey, man, we want to be up here. Because she would put the overflow from the original room in the belly room, the paying customers. So then the girls would perform for them. And the room got so hot, they were like, no, we'd rather stay up here. This is great. And they wouldn't go downstairs.

So it got hot and all the fucking guy comics were like, oh, we want to come up here. So Mitsy started weeding them in and it just happened naturally. But she didn't want them to get buried down there. It wasn't that she didn't like women. People always say that. Oh, Mitsy wasn't for women. Bullshit. Bullshit.

Yeah, she was. Bullshit. Fuck you. She did the women of the comedy store. She did it on the Playboy channel for years. Tamayo Otsuki. Nobody in their right mind would have taken a shot on Tamayo Otsuki. No, nowhere in the world.

She barely spoke English. And Mitsy was halfway had her to being a superstar, but she's a little bit of a mental patient. So that didn't work out. But she was up there. She was climbing up. She always had women's shows. Always, always, always.

You remember when that chick used to, and when I first got there, she used to have the chick that would show up and have the pajama parties. What was her name? She had a show on USA late night. Rhonda Shea. Ron DeShia. Ron DeShire. Billionaire, by the way.

You'd fucking sit there and watch all these hundreds. broads walk past you a pajamas on. I'm wearing her sports bra right now as we speak. Going into the main room and she would have a night with Rhonda Sheet and ladies and they would fucking drink in there and gaito. Did she do it on the Playboy channel or something? She did something. Somewhere.

But it's real interesting how every time I talk to a woman and looked at the spots, it's not that many spots for women. First of all. I see Eleanor there. I see the chick that's a sport free. Pumpy Johnson's my favorite. Sarah Tiana is I'm assuming is the. Yeah, first of all, we have a ton of female comics.

I see Jessica Michelle Singleton. Jessica Michelle Singleton, terrific. We have a ton of female comics. They're all working. Morgan Murphy, Fortune Feems, they're on the road. All the fucking time. Ali Wong, she's out on the road. She's working.

When a girl is good? Yeah, she might be in labor right now, actually. Really? No, she's on her second kid for sure. But the last time I saw her, she was, I forget how long, far long she was. And I want to thank, I want to congratulate Christine Pizzinski. Christina Pizzinski, one of our other favorites.

Tom, get ready to go on the road and sit there to your ass grows roots. You won't even be coming home on Mondays and Tuesdays no more. Because you don't know what's worse. Coming home to two kids and a wife that hasn't seen daylight in the month or being on the road constantly. You just bought yourself a key to hell. Make sure you cap out it too, man. cap out at two.

Oh my God. Because one is tough. One, I can go on the road and she can leave for the weekend. Two, you don't want to volunteer for that job as a man. You know what? I guess I'm going to Des Moines. Yeah, fuck this. Where's, where's, yeah, that that kid's shit is fucking tough.

And that's another thing, by the way, for anybody, male or female, if you're a decent parent, to do this business and be a parent. Like Tom and Christina have it mapped out. Mapped out. But that was for one fucking kid. Well, yeah. Now they got a little. That's a motherfucker's motherfucker. Her special was great that she just did Christina.

His is great that just came out. And they'll just keep working. They work together. But that's how strong you have to be to get on those lineups. The comedy store is like McDonald's. Everybody serves shit meat. But they always pick on McDonald's. They're the problem.

McDonald's. They go to any other fast food. It's the same shit. shit, right? So if you go to the comedy store and you're saying, I'm not seeing any women, go to the laugh factory. It's all men. Fine. Fuck it. Once in a while, I get in there, Kate Quigley. It's a few. But we have more spots at the comedy store to give out because we have more rooms. Jamie only has the one little fucking room. So if you notice, his lineups are men, but it's fucking big working comics. And they put asses in the seats. And at the end of this, at the end of the day, this is a fucking business.

And if you're going to put nasses in the seats, you ain't getting spots, fucker. That's just how it works. You know what I mean? Like, if you look at our lineups at the store, it's you, it's Rogan, it's Neil Brennan, it's fucking Tom Segora. DeLea. DeLea. It's Ian Edwards. It's, I mean, in St. Steve Byrne, it's fucking, you got to be beating the shit.

When you get on that lineup, like if I get a spot at 1215, the person before me and after me is killing that room. If you're not killing that fucking room, you ain't getting on. That's just how it goes. And the older female comics that are really bashing the store right now and really coming after the talent coordinator, fuck you is what I say to you. Because some of these girls that are complaining, women, whatever the fuck, haven't even been out.

Bitch, you haven't been to an open mic in 10 years. You haven't been booked on a regular show in years. And now you want to jump in the fucking middle of the line. You think you could follow Diaz? No, bitch. You can't. That's crazy. You think you can follow Rogan? They can't follow Jessica and Michelle Singleton. And she's fucking terrific. You know what I mean? That's what I'm saying. The people you haven't heard of and the people you heard of are all slinging because you can't go up at those hours and not bring it. If you're not bringing it, you will be boxed out. That's just how it is. What's Tony Bennett? I got to be so angry. All right. I love it. I love it. When somebody breaks your heart, some somebody twice as smart as I'm a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. To learn that misery loves company

Wait and see how he does it When he breaks your heart to bits Let's see if a puzzle fits So fine And that's when I'll discover That revenge is Sweet. Are you fucking kidding me?

From the front row seat. There you go, cock suckers. Eleanor Kerrigan. What are your day, Tom, Ron? You're going to be in Big Bad Jersey. Big Bad Jersey, Point Pleasant, New Jersey. I'll be there. Vennie's fucking comedy fuckers club.

Fuck, yeah. Uncle Vinnie's, it's in Point Pleasant, New Jersey, and it's February, I'm sorry, January 31st, February 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. Super Bowl week, nice and cold. be in South Philly for the Super Bowl. The eagle will beat the Patriots. Oh, shit.

I'll punch somebody in the fucking face. There's some fight words in this fucking studio. How dare you do that? Look, and Lee turns so ready. He might even need a mushroom. I'll also be at the talking stick in Arizona this Saturday with Andrew Dice Clay. Good for you, man. Look at you, I got to ask you a question.

When you got into comedy, I could tell that the woman's fact that never even came into your mind. I don't even think about it. You don't even think about it. It's like, it. It ruins you. Like, it's, I don't not get, like, like, when I got out of here, oh, Joe, you're going to be a great Latino comic. What if I didn't want to be a Latino comic?

Right. What if I just wanted to be a fucking comic? You know, Lee and I go to this Fourth Wall comedy, open mic, right down the bar. Oh, you're kidding. $5 for five minutes. Oh, that's great. Is that ha-ha? No, so different.

Right down the corner on Burbank. Guy Joe, cool guy, you know, and you go in there, you sign up for five minutes. You have to sit and watch everybody. Oh, yeah. A 45-minute show. So you support, which is fucking great, so people just don't do that time and leave. And, like, I was telling Lee,

that, Lee, every time I go up, the guy goes, I don't know why this guy comes here. Like, when he brings me up, he goes, I don't know why this guy comes here. That's the way. It's the best. And people don't know that. When you do an open, like, throws open mics.

Like, remember when one of those fights, they took Rocky back to a shitty, gym oh yeah like Rocky got real rich he was like rocky three yeah Rocky three we want you to see the eyes these were your eyes look like when he walked in there was a bunch of angry black yeah yeah yeah ugly you know like white fucking people who are angry and shit who are broke yeah yeah he just ate a shoelace for lunch you know they had had they got a shoelace for dinner and they had to split it because they had to eat it for lunch they got so hungry and that's why

i go there i go there and i told lee that i went there for three weeks in a row with Lee and I came up with a conclusion that going to those open mics reminded me that what I was thinking about then is happening now. Yeah. That's so fucked up, Eleanor. Like all those rooms when I was in an open mic and I'd go home at night and do coke and cry like someday, I'm going to be good enough to play the belly room. Like I would cry at night, Eleanor, because I wanted it so bad. And I didn't want to be a star. I didn't want to be on TV. I just wanted the recipe to be funny. Yes. That's what everybody misses. And that's why I don't like, I like that open mic. It's a great open mic. But I also see that people always are chasing the wrong thing.

Yeah. Like they're chasing. I can't wait to be at the comedy store. I can't wait to be on TV. I can't wait. Let's just go for being fucking funny. It's a real simple. You know, what a fucking great idea. Being funny. You know what that means? You could be funny in Iowa. You can be funny in Idaho. You can be funny in fucking North Dakota. Yep. And people look at you like, but we're in California, but why don't you try to be funny there,

then come back. Yeah. And then come back. Learn the nuts and bolts. But by going there, that's what it gave me that. Like, I see women there. Mm-hmm.

And I really want to hug them. Yeah. Like the women, there's the chick from Alaska, Reno, the drug addict chick, the run-headed. Then there's this big,

tall, white chick that's cooler and fuck. She's such a gunk-c-c-goom. She doesn't know how funny. she really is. You know, she's fucking hilarious. They're hilarious young comics. Yeah.

And Felipe sat here one day and said that when he first did his first open mic, that fucking all the people who were in the room doing open mics also, Alonzo Bowden. Right. And you go to those places and you're like, three out of the 20 people that are sitting here are going to be fucking Dean Cooks, Dane Cooks, you know, they're going to be Joe Rogans. They're going to be Paul Mooney.

They don't know it yet. Yeah. It's tough to sell it to them, you know. Yeah. Because it's a dream, but the thing as you're right, they chase like, I got to do this. Yeah, they chase the wrong dream. If I don't get into the comedy store, I'll never, I'll never be successful. And I'm like, you're looking at it completely wrong because you're, one, you're not even working at your craft.

You're just hanging out here. You should be on stage two, three times a night. Even if it's, if you don't have the $5 to go up, I mean. Listen, there's rooms everywhere. There's rooms everywhere. If you want to get on stage, there are rooms every night. There are rooms everywhere. When I lived in Boulder guys, there was an open mic on Tuesdays, and there was an open mic on Mondays.

You don't know any poetry readings? I snuck in and got chased out. You know how many karaoke rooms? I snuck there and got chained up to, do you know how many rooms I went and just proposed people? Comedy, and they would go go up there and do 10 minutes, and I just bomb, and they go, call me in a week. That meant don't ever fucking even come on this block again. Don't, yeah. Because you have to create your own moments.

momentum when you're doing stand-up. And everybody always waits for somebody else to create their own momentum. I have to give you something to work with. Yeah. You have to give them something to work with. That's the only way I could help you is by giving me, you know, people contacting me they go, I got six minutes. That's great.

You know, silver's down, call the long range. You know what I'm saying? You got six minutes. What are you on from me? You got to get 40 minutes that I could trim 10 off. Yeah. And then we can work on the road together. You do feature work, and it's not that easy.

People think in comedy that it's a little saving. Well, if I could do a guest set with Joe Diaz, the tonight show will be on stage when he's talking about. Joe Deez is a hard time chewing and fucking walking and bubble gum at the same time. And you want to fucking latch onto the wagon. There's no wagon here. There's no wagon. You got to get your own wagon and you got to pull it yourself sometimes.

Nobody understands that. Yeah. And I love, it's like when I don't know who it was, I think by the third woman I had to put on the podcast, I started getting hate mail on Gmail. You're kidding? Oh, yeah. Oh, you mean because they're complaining?

Yeah, they shouldn't have women. And I was like, guys, these fucking women have stories. You should admire them more than the guys, because women go through 10 times the bullshit guys go. Oh, sure. Because they all get called into the back office. Come on in, let me help you. Oh, my God, really?

You're willing to do this? And they're just playing you to see if you're going to suck that dick. They're all Harvey Weinstein's. All those comedy bookers, when you come in there fresh tittyed with no experience, they try to bust that hyman as fast as they can. Then they realize you're not going to give it up. Then they put you to the bottom of the list. And then the girls are like, this is bullshit just because they didn't suck his dick.

Bitch, you know what he wanted. You know what he wanted. You know what he wanted. Do never give them an inch. You know, they talk about all these actresses that have suffered. Fucking female comics get tormented. That's true. How do I know?

I tormented a few of myself. Well, I actually wanted to talk to you, Eleanor, because you, like, you've been doing comedy ever since I moved to LA seven years ago. Okay. But you started as a waitress at the store, and I started working with Joey years ago because I was a fan of comedy, but I never wanted to do comedy. And, like, what made you make the jump from, like, working at the store to try in comedy? Well, at the store, I would fuck around in the kitchen, you know?

hold court talk a lot of trash that's where we used to and all everybody would say you should be doing stand-up but here's the thing that happens in iowa too to a lot of people so i'd be like i don't want to do stand-up i don't want to i'm here for something different i want to be a real actress i don't want to you know and so i never want i had no interest in doing stand-up comedy do you remember the night me you and mity of standing in the back and i was telling her a story about calling the cops on a bird the first time i ever called cops in my life and you said tell mitsy about you tell mitsy what you did And I started to tell Mitsy a story and I was and she looked at me and she went edit get to the punchline and almost shit my pants I wasn't a comic but I knew the fear of Mitsy Shore and when you tell a fucking story get to the point bitch right like so and that's who I was under the tutelage of kind of but I didn't realize it. So yeah, when I

Freddie when Freddie Soto passed away I think that was the breakie like everything became clearer like what are you doing? Why aren't you? following a dream because he really would break my balls all the time to do stand-up. And I'm like, why? And go on the road and be miserable like you, you know, I would just break his balls back. I never thought of it. But then when I started doing it, it was more like a one-woman show to me. I wasn't thinking like, oh, I'm doing stand-up because I watched the greatest stand-ups in the world for 12 years.

Some of the worst, too, by the way. Some of the most horrendous stand-ups you've ever seen in your life come through the comedy store as well, not just the best. So you see every side of it when you're not wanting to be in it. You know what I mean? Like as a waitress. So when after Freddie passed, I was like, I left my second ex-fiance. That was Dice.

Sorry, Dice. And started doing this one-woman show. And then Dice came to see it. And he was like, you're doing stand-up, stupid. And he took me on the road with him. And that was it. I got raped in, if you will. is that the wrong word to use do you say rake or raped well also because three months in he took me on the road and the nerve of me to be opening for dice three months under my belt but i took the gig because i was like oh he convinced me that this could work and in california they were so nice to me and we had that show on v h1 at the time they were so cool to me they were like eleanor but we love you from the show but then when we got to new york

that shit got canceled and nobody knew me from the show and they were there and we were at matt it um not madison square i'm westbury music fair a theater in the round in long island have you ever done that one uh and so it's in the round and i go out and as soon as i say i'm from philly you know new york they're like fuck you fuck the phillies fuck the eagles and i'm like fuck you fagg like i remember being so mad like i'll fucking fight everybody in here and my sister karen drove up from south Philly to watch me and they're booing and they're fucking shanting all kinds of crazy shit and I'm so new like I don't know how to handle it I think I got a few like good lines in like somebody says though where's dice and I was like he's up my ass you want to tickle his feet I think that was the only and then I remember catching eyes with my sister and she like put her hands up like what do you want to do I'll fight this whole fucking room I'll fight Long Island right now I'm not afraid because she's just like me but she's 10 years older but she's like nutty and so I, he, he didn't hire me on the road for like a year because he said, go get good if you really want to do this. And that's what I did.

Because getting booed off the stage really kicked my ass. I mean, when you get booed from the front, the side in the back, that's, that's tough. What did you feel after it? Oh, it was, oh, I remember on stage being sweating so bad that my bra, I had a cute little half bra on under my shirt. It slid down. So it was like tumors on my stomach. I was like, fuck, I got to get out of here. I did a full six minutes too.

Like the nerve of me to stay out there. But I remember feeling like, fuck this. I'm fucking better than that. I can do this. For some reason, it didn't make me want to get out of it. And when I called my family to kind of vent, they were like, so what? They boo everybody. Everybody gets booed in the beginning.

Like, they were just like, who cares? Keep doing it. And the next night I went on at the state theater in Jersey and got booed again. So you're right. It didn't hurt as much as the first night, but it was there. And then that's when Dice made the decision like, all right, I'll take you out again, but I need you to go get better. So it was about a year. I just did every, I was working at a furniture store and I did every open mic everywhere. I think I did every show. I did the M-Barr. I did Marties. You could pay for it. It's $5 or something like that for five minutes on our side. I think it's sunset and Fuller.

Right, right, right, right. So Marties, I would be there all the time. Comedy Store. I, on Sunday nights, Adam Barnhart used to let me run the sound or the lights, and then he would put me up. So that was an extra spot. And then I would get on downstairs. Like, it was just fucking hustling. And then I got better.

I got, I wasn't great in the beginning. I had beginners luck when he saw me and had a good set, you know. And then I got ripped to shreds right there in New York. That was pretty tough. But every time I go back to Long Island, I have the fucking best sets. I'll never bomb there again. See, I would know that, Long Island. Step fatten.

Know it. When I booked in Nashville one year, I didn't even fucking go to Tennessee. Not even if the plane broke down and was sinking, I'd parachute into somewhere else. Shut up, really? Anywhere I bombed early on, I just avoided. I'm like, that's never going to happen. That was my way of fucking, you know. Somebody videotaped it and they put it on, it was MySpace at the time.

I was so fucking pissed. And then Dice found it and he put it on. his MySpace page and he said, see, I told you it was hard to open for me. I'm like, you motherfucker. Why would you? He goes, I just wanted people to see. It's hard to open for me. I go, yeah, I know it is, but I'm, they put two veteran comics on before me. Took a 15 minute intermission. And then I went out. Yeah, it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my fucking life. Yes. But why would you put it back out there? And then I don't know who took it down, but somehow it went down. When Dice came to you and said to you that you wanted you to

take a year off. Did it bother you all? Yeah. Yeah, because I was like, fuck, I failed. I didn't do, I didn't do it right. And then he would come see me still, though. He saw that I was working. He was still coming to the store. He would still, you know,

show up in the belly room and see that I was working on Sunday, sat every night, any night they would let me on, I would go on. And he only saw me at the comedy store, but he'd call me and be like, hey, can you come over? We're having dinner, whatever holiday it was.

And I'd be like, I can't, I'm doing these four shows tonight. And he's like, what? So he still breaks my balls about, oh, she can't do it tonight. She has 50 shows. So, but I still do it like that. You can ask him, he gets pissed. Well, we got to, listen, here's the deal. You know, comics come up to you.

Comics come up to you. And they, they fart. And they say, yeah. And they say, yeah. That was definitely shit. Definitely. It was wet. Joey, it was wet.

Seriously. I got Miondi's off. My shit don't get wet. My own these fucking blocks. Does Miamis have a blocker in there? It comes with tampa? It has like a tampon that filters. It filters.

You wearing an ass pack like Ari? Yeah, a little ass pack like Ari. It's a really rough conversation for me and I get aggravated. So I mind my business because there's nothing more that bothers me when somebody comes to and says this is what my plans are, I'd like for you to give me your advice, and then you give them their advice, and they take your advice,

and they shove it up their fucking ass. They wipe their ass with it. And then you don't say nothing. You look at them and go, watch them hang themselves, and they hang themselves on their own. Yeah, they do. You know, we've been through,

look, I'm not a fucking, uh, a fucking, uh, last kind of, winner that came on board with eight minutes. Right. You know, it's funny when people today, somebody sent me a tweet, Joey, we saw you

on basketball. That's 1997, guys. It's 2017. That's 20 fucking years ago. You think about that and you go, wow, Joey, you wasted your time for a long time. I might have, but I do know one thing. I know the journey of the comic. Yeah.

What do you waste your time? You built it. I know the journey of the comic. I see where you know. where you are, it takes me two fucking minutes of the cipher, where you are, what material's coming out of your mouth, the pauses you're taking if you're selling it, what you have on, how you are towards the club, and I can make an assessment right there. Seconds.

I could tell you right there what time you need, how much time you need to disappear, how many, you know, every 90 days to reevaluate your goals, I need you doing 25 sets a month. Yeah. Well, what do you mean? I need for you to do 25 sets a month. Well, my girlfriend's parents You don't need comedy Because at this time period

It's that crucial When you're in open mic or you're not going to work On Fridays and Saturdays Those are the nights you bartend Yeah And you get a job and you put food on the table Sunday through Thursday Is your open Mikeville

That's when you have to be out every fucking night If this is what you really want Yeah If you're just dilly dallying me or whatever And it's so weird How every process is different for everybody I had a friend here, moved here, kept asking me. I said, this is what you need to do to avoid everything.

Yeah. First off, go get head shots and go get a commercial agent. That lets them know you're bookable. Yeah. As dumb as a commercial, as soon as you book a commercial, they know you could be a fucking star. So now they treat you differently. They treat you differently now.

Even the club owners, they're sitting there at 11 o'clock at night. They're like, look at Lee. My open is on a fucking tied commercial. Right. Bam! That means at any moment, leak a book a TV show. Yeah.

If he booked a commercial, he booked a TV show. Now that demands respect. Something I never thought of because Bill Hicks said, if you did commercials, you're a sellout. You follow me?

So I decided to sell out early because it was my way on the board. The first thing you want to do is score. The England Patriots score first yesterday. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Even if it's three, they put up three because they know how important that three is. Even if it's two,

Even if they get you with a fucking, what's that call? Safety. Safety. They don't give a fuck. Bill Belichick knows he has to get on the board first. Sure. Going to Marties and going to a ha-ha and going all these places, ain't putting you on the board first.

It's making you become a better comic, but I'm trying to get you on the board. Yeah. And then once you get on the board, you can play a little bit. That gives you more leniency. Because if you book that again, you're going to book another one. Now you're on the board twice, even though you're still doing stupid spots

around town that don't matter. Now that qualifies you for a manager or an agent. That people that were representing you commercially, now they're going to represent you theatrically because you put money in their pocket. After the second booking, you put money in their pocket, you're asking about theatrical. They're going to tell you to take an acting class

and you're going to say, yes, I am. With the money I got from the fucking commercial, I'm going to take these fucking acting class for eight weeks. It doesn't have to be fucking Ahmad Rashad acting school. Right. It can be Joey Banana's acting school. They're going to teach you how to fog up a class, how to read a scene and how to read a scene. That simple.

And then mix with your stand-up skills. Those five minutes, you're going to mix that with your auditioning skills. And somewhere in between that, that's called an audition. When Mitzi Shaw auditioned you, what should give you? Three minutes. Three minutes. Three minutes. You look at me and go, Joey, I can't even get to my first word in three minutes.

You better. Better figure it out. You better figure it the fuck out. In three minutes, you just have to show them that you're you. You're you. And this wasn't for a movie role that goes away. This is for your fucking life. Yeah.

This is for your fucking life. When you go up in front of the greatest county woman Booker of all fucking time, Mitzie Shaw, you know what your legs are like? Even your dick shrinks up and there's no cold water anywhere to be found in that fucking original room. Nowhere. It's just a weird process. So when I look at a young comic, I can tell you what you need to do. First of all, I hate that they develop here.

Hate it. Yeah. Hate it. Hate it. They develop here because you put so many different outside forces into your head that don't need to be there. Forget about all that. Just get funny.

Yeah. Just get it from, well, I'm sending a taping for America's funniest videos. You shot yourself in the leg right then and that. Don't worry about none of that shit. Just work on your set. Get 10 minutes to the funny and get out to that fucking Mexican rooms, the hand-to-hand combat. Oh, yeah.

Lee went the one last week. The best. Embraia, hand-to-hand combat, 88 people on a Tuesday night. And that's the process. And then look at that and go, okay, this is what I'm doing for the next six years. I'll drive an hour, 45 minutes, wherever, to do those crazy rooms. Yeah. To do a free set.

And people go free set. I ain't going to do nothing for free then. Sit on your living room. Yeah, sometimes they'll give you $20 for gas. Yeah, whatever. It doesn't matter. You didn't get into that. You know in the beginning.

In the beginning, if you tell yourself, I'm not going to be a man. millionaire, your mind listens. That's right. Your mind listens. I just want to work. All I'm doing right now is punching the clock every day. Yeah. And in 20 years, I'm going to get a check from these people. That's all I'm doing. I'm going to simplify it is when you go to a job,

you punch the clock. When you get in your car at night, you turn the ignition on, you're punching the clock. When you go to that open mic, and if you ever notice, you ever have the nights where you had plans? Yes. Like, I'm going to stay home Tuesday and watch this episode of TV My girlfriend.

Okay. Those are the nights when you go out and something big happens. Yeah. It's the nights when you're like, you have plans with some jerk off or something to do something. Trust me. Isn't going to change your life at all. It's ruined all my relationships. There you go.

And you go, that movie's going to have to wait. And they look at you like, but I got flowers. That's great. They're going to die. Water those motherfuckers. I'll be back before they die. Don't me a favor. Don't bring me no flowers.

Oh, my God. when you start losing friends and relationships over comedy and people look at you like you're really going to tell me then you're going to risk my cousin's wedding because you want to do a show in Oklahoma and you're like uh yeah and that's it they don't understand that they don't understand the drug

and the 10 years from now when they see you on TV they'll call you yeah thank you to be their child's god parent you really wanted that dream oh my god I'm so happy Fuck you and your fucking family But you're their family Come out to LA to visit me when I'm doing my shit Yeah I mean it's tough, it is hard

But I love it And I don't book commercials So I don't know why I've been on a million auditions for commercials I just it's a look It's a funny It's a look at a number I've gotten called back

I've gotten real close I've gotten on hold But it's never been on Is that weird? Yeah But it's fun It's like I don't know why a commercial every time I see one I'm like I guess I don't really fit in or I have to be really odd looking or really hot You know there's no middle I don't know I'm odd looking and I even book on once if I go off for commercials Steny I'll book one of you

I believe it easily I book a pizza a tow truck driver you used to book him yeah Freddy lived off them Freddie had one for a Spanish speaking a bell what is it a Pacific bell out here and he would be dancing in the middle of the street singing in Spanish. I was like yes. But it paid his bills for a fucking years. For years. Now it doesn't do that. Years. Sometimes you catch a good one, man. Yeah. I caught a good one like 10 years

ago that didn't air and paid me three times. That's amazing. When they don't air, even better. Because then Bill Hicks still respect you. Half the shit they shoot, you really don't want to fucking see, you know? Oh, fuck yeah. At the shit I've shot, I'm like

especially a commercial. Freddy was thrilled that it only played in Mexico because he was like the I remember him and I shot a commercial one time in Denver he shot something for seven days for Sears and I shot something for somebody else and none of the commercials got paid up we were so happy he was just happy to be out there for a fucking week yeah getting Padillaum living on a fucking hotel away from his wife

and girlfriend and shit yeah no it's a very weird journey comedy and it's hard enough but I got the utmost respect for women because you guys go to places that I don't go to during the week. I don't know what goes on there. I don't know what goes on Opoiloko and Silver Lake. Yeah. That guy could be a fucking pedophile and torment you and not go on stage.

I've had the whole, you know, what are you going to do for me for stage time all the time? I've gotten it a million times. And I've been like, what do you mean? I'm going to make your audience laugh. And then he'll be like, you know, you just play kind of dumb, if you will for a second. And then he'll go, this is just one particular person. But he was like, what if you don't make him laugh? And I still didn't get anything out of it.

And like, just persistent like that. And I'm like, what would you like? Why don't you say what you want? And then they get real nervous. I'm like, you got to say what you want. Ask for what you want. I don't play fucking hidden figures here. Just fucking tell me what it is.

And I'll tell you if I'll do it. And then he really shut down. And ever since then has never disrespected or done anything. What about the people that come to you and are nice to you hoping now? someday you bring dice by that. Oh, that's every... How horrible is that feel? If you do that to me, I would snap your fucking neck right now.

I lived through it for 10 years with Joe Rogan. Jesus, I still live through it. You still live through it. People who send you nice things and be nice to you. And then there's always a by the way. You're waiting for the by the way. You're waiting for it. And then they drop you with the fucking, hey man, can you give this to Joe?

I don't do nothing. I don't know. Joe don't want to know nothing. My niece was living. with me for a little bit and I told her that that had just happened to me that this person was trying to book me book me tell me how great I am this that and the other thing you know they love me they want me to headline you think dice would do my birthday party and I'm like fuck you so I got pissed I and I just we

wrote him off like that was it and now he's like a big producer a comedy producer only shows but he's still nobody technically and so he so forget about him I'm at the comedy store with my niece two days later and this guy comes up he's like man I want to put you on my show and he's got another pretty big show it was on Comedy Central and he was like I want to put you on my show man I'm like oh that's awesome and my niece is like oh this is great this is cool I'm witnessing it that's the niece yeah and she was all excited and she's like oh you know this guy has a show on Comedy Central I know she's like I love to have you on our show you think you'd be great you kill it you think

dice would do it with you that night and I'm like no It never hurt my feelings. And my niece's face dropped. She was like, this really happens all the time? It never hurt my feelings. It's more like now I know what type of person you're on. Oh, they're all shit.

Every motherfucker out there is shit, technically. I'm sorry. No, when it comes to that, is let me give some shoutouts. For starters, I want to give a big shout out to Bobby Sharon and Crystal from getting hooked up last night. They got engaged in the fucking Austin. They were there with us all weekend.

I want to thank Danny Brown for coming to the shows and Ron White. We had a great time in Austin. I want to thank my girl Big Tool for you. Uncle Tank Top, Swift, Arrivia, Big Boat, Gonzo, Larry Bird, Flew, Alejandro Odinas, Dennis Reynolds, and Todd McMarkland. I also want to give a big, big, big, big, fucking shout out to Charlie Govea. He gave me a beautiful DVD, things to do in D. Denver. And I also want to thank Jennifer Joseph for sending one of her classic books to my daughter. She's a sweetheart. My daughter enjoyed the fuck out of it. So thank you very much. And as you guys know it,

I will be at the Charlotte Comedy Zone Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Tickets are going fast. Don't come crying to me like you did in Austin that you didn't know because tickets are gone, dog. So I'm just advising you want to have a great time Thursday night. And then next month, I'm at the Comedy Works in Denver. I have no fucking idea what we can just let you know now because the tickets are going to go fucking fast and then you're going to come crying to me again and whatnot. No crying, people. No fucking crying.

Don't sleep on it. I only have it limited about the tickets. I can't travel that much, so this is it. Come on. Come to Jersey too, Point Pleasant. Is it okay if I plug my... Fuck you. No, because Uncle Vinnie's is hard to sell Point Peasant is the, like, on the Jersey Shore.

The problem with Uncle Vinny's. in the winter is a lot of people are going to go down there on Friday but Saturday all those people are on there Wednesday Thursday Saturday so I'll contact some of my dogs down there Gary Gary Richman and the Tabasco brothers sometimes I put out it depends on how hot you are you'll blow them on the uncle Vinnie's pier right yeah as long as you're specific we're not playing no fucking no fucking around here it's it's I don't know it's just uh I see what you do listen man I see were people doing. You know, before 2007, I used to get these calls every day from comics.

You know, like when I got the longest yard and shit, people called me and asked me, oh, like, what do I need to do? And there were all people that wanted to talk to talk, but they wanted somebody else to do the walking for them. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, there was so many people that you could tell in this town they want you to do the work from them.

Of course. And that's great. I appreciate that, you know. But nobody can do the work for you that you need to get to that certain place. Because even if somebody puts you, like, people get lucky. People get lucky. They get put on a show at the five-year mark of stand-up. It's great.

That's great. But you still got to do that time. You got to do the work. You've still got to catch up on that stand-up work because I love it when sending out lives, guys, go on the road. I love it. They think that doing improv and what we do. is the same thing and i fucking laugh guys i laugh at home because what i do on stage took 20

years to get there and what you see a lot of these guys doing on stage we think dave schipel just walked off the fucking that's right boat from africa you know no he's been doing it for for fucking 25 years what makes you think that that you're gonna stroll up here after four years and do what we do you're gonna get a couple good sets i'm not down that there's a lot of funny people out there what i'm saying is to really have that stage that's that's a that stage, those stage chops and whatnot, that's fucking sensational. So I see that you're out there,

people like you, Kate Quigley, Dean Del Rey, Adam Ray, Theo Vaughan. I see these young guys that are out there every fucking night. And then I get these people that want a ho-hummit because they're working on their fucking Conan set and Conan doesn't even know what the fuck they are. So this is what this episode was about

from that mentality, even for Eleanor. Eleanor, I've seen Rip it up. You know, I bring you with me if you're around. If we go to Philly,

whatever, because I know Eleanor, Eleanor was killing him that week with me in Philly. You know, I told Rogen and Rooker and was like, you didn't fucking know that.

Everybody knows that. And it's not because you hung out in the back of the comedy store or because you jiggle some of these balls is because of what happened when Andrew and you know, Lee does comedy.

Andrew truly took me out and made me work for it. Yeah. I mean, he made me work for it. People are always like, oh, she sucked his dick. I did suck his dick. Dick, but I worked my ass for it.

Just suck in his dick, too, was work. That was when you were dating him. That was a lot of work. But let me tell you something. This guy here, like Lee, when I see Leon stage now, I giggle because it doesn't surprise me. He watches every special. Yeah. He's been around this now for five years.

And he finally realized his voice. He's like a fucking little Woody Allen up on stage. He's frustrated. I love it. Yeah, he makes noises. Maybe. Maybe he's got a hug of the death first. You can have a kid.

Anyway, I'll see you guys. Wednesday. I can't wait to see you perform. Ready to rock. Don't forget, I don't know. February. January 31st, February 1st, 2nd and 3rd, Point Pleasant, New Jersey, Uncle Vinnie's.

And I'll be at Charlotte, North Carolina this week at the fucking comedy zone, ready to fucking rock. I love you, Coxuckers. Have a great day. Thank you for listening. Stay black. What up?

Oh, yeah. Stay black. And don't forget about me. All right. Oh, I forgot the most important thing. Let me talk to you, motherfuckers, about something. Number one, audit. When you're looking for supplements,

you're looking to make rest of the tutions this year. What are people making resolutions? Resolutions. You want to start a new vitamin. You want to get your vitamin. You're going to get your body in shape. Go to On it. Listen, they got kettlebells.

They got the bats. They got fucking vests. They got everything. But on top of that, they got supplements. Sublements to help you achieve your goals. Supplements from Shroom Tech Sport to Shroom Tech Amune. They got an after workout protein. They got a before.

I mean, they just got it. And as far as the protein shakes, the assay, vanilla, and the cocoa, whatever the fuck, you name it, the hump, hemp force protein, they're second to none. Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church. And get 10% off your beautiful first offer delivered right to your house. Number two, you want to turn a cool idea into a new website? Do you want to showcase your work? You want to blog or publish content?

Do you want to sell products that you? main and services, promote your physical, online business, announce an upcoming event. Listen, all that could be done with Squarespace. They do beautiful templates created by world-class designers. They've got a powerful e-commerce functionality that lets you sell anything online and the ability to customize the look and feel settings and product with more than just a few clicks. Everything is optimized for mobile right out of the box. new way to buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions.

Analytics that help you grow in real time and a built-in search engine for top optimization and 24-7 award-winning customer support. That's what Squarespace offers you, all right? So do me a favor right now. Go check out Squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code church, C-H-U-R-C-H to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. That's Squarespace.com.

Enter code church. Listen, you want to start a business? This is your first. You want to start a website. This is how to do it. You want to showcase your work. This is how to do it. Go to Squarespace.com.

Enter code church and get 10% off your first purchase of the website or a domain. I want to thank Squarespace. I want to thank On it. I want to thank Eleanor Carrigan for coming on the show today and breaking down all the first. this woman's march shit. Stop marching. Do stand-up, cock suckers. I love you guys. We'll talk on Wednesday. Stay black. See you then.