The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #555 - Tom Rhodes

Episode Date: February 1, 2018

Tom Rhodes, a comedian for more than 30 years and the host of the "Tom Rhodes Radio," podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: eharmony - Enter code CHURCH at checkout for a free month when you sign up for a 3 month subscription. eharmony brings compatible people together.    
MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your order of a pair of MeUndies Matching Pair underwear with free shipping in the US and Canada.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order and stop using nasty toilet paper forever!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 01/31/2018.  

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We're taking your back, fucking prince. Out of respect for Kichi and shit in the house. We ain't fucking around tonight. Tom Rhodes is here The Christ Killers here A little song written by Prince Lee goes You know Prince wrote this song Yeah

What do you think story of that shit What? Do you think I'm a nasty girl Oh You kidding me for a water Upstairs And they got sugar on the candy cane The nasty world

To me Do you think I'm a nasty girl To nasty world Do you think I'm a nasty girl That's when black people could do English expressions you know what I'm saying? How did the prince write a song about being a nasty girl? Because Prince was throwing heat,

and I guess Vality was part of his little stable at the time. Yeah. Or hanging out, and he wrote that song. Like, that was, like, he started writing his shit, and he just, it was like Michael Jackson at 84. He had thriller, somebody's watching me, and he had something else. Yeah, that's how.

Yeah, he was working the ladies by writing of the songs and stuff. He did that Apollonia. Apollonia Catero. song and then Sheena Easton. Yeah, what was that song? The Manick Monday? Which one?

What was the? No, for Sheena Easton, she wrote a, ooh, he wrote another dirty song. When? Prince Sheena Easton. Let me see. Yeah, if there was one song, God, it was a bad. Oh. It's like, they did a football thing to it once.

You got the look? You got the look? Your mom can't cook. You must have. I loved Prince. Did you know, I, did I ever tell you I was invited to a private party at Paisley Park? No, I would. In 1995, I was playing at Acme Comedy Club in Minneapolis. And Prince's keyboard player Tommy was a fan of mine because I was like doing tons of stuff for Comedy Central at the time.

And Prince would do these parties in the summer where he would jam from like three in the morning until six in the morning. That's how he came up with his tunes and stuff or worked it out. So we went, I invited this other comedian. the feature act and he didn't go. Oh my God. And the guy, when Prince died, he was the first person to call me and go, man, I can't believe I didn't go to that fucking party. So it was one of the best nights in my life.

There was only 50 people there. And Prince is walking around. The guy gave me a tour of Paisley Park before the concert. And he had like a sewing room. Like there was like four sewing machines and all these beautiful fabrics where he made his own clothes, you know, his recording studio, he shot his own videos there. It was like a one-man hit art factory. And then in his, you know, big room where he, the airplane hanger room where he shot his videos and stuff, he had the stage set up. And he wailed like Hendricks. He had that

white guitar that had the little loopy, look like a musical note. And it was his girlfriend, Mai Tai's birthday. And so she like had a white, flowy dress on and she danced around him. And It was magnificent, man. He, like, he wailed for, like, three hours. He could fucking wail. He was better than Hendricks, man. He could fucking wend. And, uh, and, and, and, and, and, and then, like, he's walking around after the concert.

He's, like, right in front of me. He's, like, two feet in front of me. It took every bit of myself controlled not to grab his perfect little purple ass and just squeeze it, you know, like a turtle. Did he ask you what you were doing there? No, we shook it. No, no, no, no, no. His dude introduced us. I, I shook his hand, and, um, he was a complete gentleman.

and he was nice to everybody that was there. It was amazing. It's a great fucking story. That's part of being a good way to start. And with a little Los Angeles sirens in the background. Great to have you. Great to see you. Great to see that you're healthy.

Yeah. Great to see that you're still in the game. You know what I'm saying? We've lost a lot of soldiers. Yeah. And we're still plugging away. You're still fucking going overseas. I just got back from Paris last night.

That's what you were saying. Yeah. I played this beautiful theater. theater la ovra like an ovra your life work like ovary like ovary like i don't know how to pronounce it

uvra it's like uh club uva like an uvra is like your your life's work your masterpiece in Spanish it's great but this theater man it was beautiful it seats 340

I had 240 there there was balconies place was built in 1850, and I'm booked back there, October 15th, and I want to film it as my next Netflix special. And do your thing. Yeah. So if anybody's thinking about taking a trip to Paris. Go on with your bad self.

Always trying to fucking be in the game, always reinventing yourself. That's it. That's all that matters. You're a comic till the end, like Tupac said, right? That's right. Well, I got a long history with Paris. The first big love of my adult life was with a priest. Asian woman I lived with in San Francisco for seven years.

And the first time I went to Paris, I was actually maced pepper spray. These guys tried to mug me. And I got away and all this. I stepped in dog shit there. I've done a lot of things in Paris. Put flowers on Morrison's grave. So you like it. Yeah.

I love it. I like sauntering down the boulevard with a baguette under my arm. I haven't been pepper sprayed in a long fucking time. That shit hurts, man. Oh, my God. That shit. I never got pepper sprayed by a woman or I was

assaulting somebody The guy that had the big dick in Jersey There was a guy when I grew up That he said he was the guy from Godfather 2's grandson So the Godfather 2 There's a scene where Michael takes Fredo To this underground bar

To see like a semi-rape Where they tie a girl up And the guy comes out with a big dick And the guy's dick is like four foot long but they never show the dick. The director is a very good director. That's when Michael finds out that Fredo betrays him. All the guineas are saying, look at him.

He looks like Superman, but they never show you the guy's dick. You never even think about it. But my luck, right? Like, you never even think about it. You got to see The Godfather 2. I don't remember the scene from Godmother 2. Okay. Godfather 2, when Michael Betay finds out

Mike Afredo betrays him. Okay, and there's a little Cuban doing the back, playing little congers and shit. To make a long story short, this could only happen to me. In that Cuban community in Union City, there was a club called Lutente-Ocho Club 38. And the guy that owned it, his claim to fame was his grandfather had the biggest dick in Cuba. But now he had the biggest dick. Like, it was a generational thing that went down. I mean, this is just ridiculous.

The family heir alone. It's just ridiculous. That's a good fairly, yeah. It's fucking ridiculous. So, my father, the time I saw. This is it? I know it was you, Fred. No, no, no.

No. The Godfather, uh, all right, Godfather, too. I want capital letters, Lee. You went to college. Capital letters don't do anything. Yes, they do. Yes, they do. Capital letters, for Christ sakes.

Jesus Christ, he's like a two-year-old. These fucking kids, they text. They forget everything. All right, hold on. Scratch. Godfather to him. So what does the big dick, New Jersey guy have to do with getting mace? Because the big thing in the big dick in New Jersey guy,

when Michael finds out Frato, Michael and Fredo in the Cuban, Christ, all right, the thing that has to do what it was. Right there, that's up. Okay. There you go. Three minutes and, oh, videos on a phone. No, no, no. There we go.

Watch this scene. It's a brilliant scene. It's when I talk about directing. Can you imagine people would leave New York to do this on the weekend? To go watch this on the weekends. This is brilliant. See, all this Vegas shit started in Nevada. You can fucking 50 that were doing this.

All right, speed it up, brother. How far? Just keep going to what we see it. What's with the questions? Keep going, keep going, keep going. What's with the questions? Keep going, keep going. Keep going, keep going, keep going.

Keep going. Right there. Listen to the bongos in the back. tremendous when you see everybody stands but it's worth it watch you're not going to believe this all right so they take this

poor little immigrant girl they tie her up right and then this guy with the big dick comes out gives it to her and people pay to watch this shit that's the guy with the big dick he's got a cape on now Michael's just hanging out right

watch this now he shows it a dick She fucking loses her mind Look at her. No. That was his grandfather. The director never shows you the dick. Here you go.

Next got to be a fake. That ain't no fake. That's real. That's what they're calling the Superman. Hey, Freddy. Freddy did you buy this place? Johnny Olo told me about this place. He brought me here.

I didn't believe it, but seeing it is believing, huh? I see it and I still don't believe it. The key box, Pat. The old man Roth has never come. But old Johnny knows these places like the back of his hand. Right there, he rattled himself out. Look at Michael. He gets fucking auditing.

He knows he betrayed him. It's a brilliant scene. But if they would have showed you the guy's dick, you wouldn't have seen Michael's face. Right, right, right, right. That's a brilliant directorial scene. So everybody in the room, how, when they show you the guy. Now, they would do that in 1975, this kid was doing that in Union City. and he would come to my mom's bar

and always like we'd be shooting pool and in a conversation like even with my friends that didn't know nothing about nothing he'd just say you know my grandfather had the biggest dick in Cuba and my friends would look at me like why is he telling us this

and then he's like shooting he's like shooting pool with his dick no we're shooting pool and then he would tell us that he had the it was a thing in his family and I told my mom with my mom was like don't worry he's not a bad guy His name was Willie Vandy.

So Willie Vandy had a bar. Once I found out he had a big dick, and this is what he did at that bar on Saturday nights. During the week, they played salsa, but on Saturdays he would showcase his dick. It was like a comedy show. What? He would showcase it every week? Like every Saturday night, everybody in the neighborhood knew if he wanted to see his dick, you went down there. And he'd find some, like, like some money for tickets.

He'd get like some Nicaraguan runaway because, like, in the 70s, nobody gave him. fuck about Nicaragua, right? Like, think of a country nobody gave a fuck about in the 70s. He would get one of their refugees, they'd dope them up, and it was legal. Like, they paid the cops off. This one on every Saturday. It doesn't mean it's legal? Well, you know, whatever. They were having fun. He'd come out and he'd give them a stabbing in public with his three-foot dick. Oh. And fucking people would pay 20 bucks and hang out and have drinks with the guy. Who the fuck does this shit? That's like, well, the Allen's friends. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, I got to throw it.

But. Couldn't the guy just learned out of juggle? It was fucking crazy. With the dick? I think. So I never liked the dude, but the first time, my dad, but there was a Carvel down the corner. Do you know what Carvel is?

Yeah, ice cream joints. Ice cream joints. That was one of my favorite things. You feel like an ice cream. And I go, yeah. So when we went to get ice cream, it was down the bar from that bar. He goes, let me stop in there because Willie has to give me money. But then another time, I went in there with him.

I guess my stepfather was like a half a loan shark And he loaned Willie money And Willie always kept fuck with him So one night Willie was supposed to meet him there And Willie didn't meet him So my stepfather On the Saturday night At fucking 11 o'clock

We went in there And he goes to sit right there And he took a thing out of his jacket And it was uh You know those homemade zip guns Only with What's a zip gun A zip gun is what you make it

And a home-made gun with a 22, and it's got one bulletin, and I got to get you with it. Isn't it like a nail? Then it's like a nail then? It's like a fucking pen. No, no, no. In the 70s and 80s. I had friends. I know a place in the Bronx where you can buy them.

They were like a disposable one bullet gun. How long have you been doing this podcast with Joey? Six years? You've never learned what a zip gun is yet? He's been too busy telling me only lives. He had a zip gun only with that air in it, that tube, that, that, that tube, that, onion smell that it would break out in people's, he put me in the corner,

and he went to the back of this place and left it, like bammed it off. Like a stink bomb? Like a, it was a stink bomb, but whatever that is, Mace. Oh, my God, pepper spray. He discharged it in the back of the club, and then we walked out together, like nothing happened. But that's the last time I got it in my eyes.

I must have been 10 or 11 and maybe tops 12, but I don't think so. I was a kid, and that was his way of fucking with the guy. You're not going to have my money? Well, you're not going to make no money on a Saturday night either. The guy had his money the next week. Nobody got hurt. Sounds like it was a full loan shark.

That doesn't sound like half a little shark. No, I told you that. He was fucking, when it came to all that shit, he was a genius when he came to all that type of dirty shit. I got maced. So there was the first time I ever went to Paris. And I think it's kind of cool that I was maced in the city of love. But I was living with this French woman in San Francisco.

We go to Paris to visit her mom. She got sick, and I got to go out by myself one night. So I'm walking around the Bastille area is like the Greenwich Village of Paris. So I'm walking around the- What's the name of the area? Bastille. Bastille. When they had the French Revolution, it was the Bastille Prison that they tore down and broke open

and let all the prisoners out. That was the big symbol of the revolution. So I'm walking around the Bastille area. There's a street called the Rue de Lap. And that's a street with all these bars on it. And I'm walking down, I can go to any of these bars. and have a drink. I come across this bar called Some Girls.

That's the name of a Rolling Stones album. I love the Rolling Stones. I go in. They only play the Rolling Stones. I'm in heaven. I'm drinking beer brewed by monks. I'm enjoying my own company. I'm making notes.

You know, I'm just really having, I'm in Paris. And every time I wanted to leave, they'd play another great song like, can you hear me knocking? Give me shelter. And I'd order another beer. Finally, I leave this bar. It's late. There's no one on the street now.

It's this thin Parisian street. These two guys are walking towards me in the distance. And this guy had a metal walking. He had a metal pole, and he's walking like it's a walking brace. But it wasn't a walking brace. It was a metal pole. And then they got closer. I move over to make room for them.

Then they moved over a little more. And then I moved every little more. And then before I knew it, they were right up on top of me. And dude with the pole jams me in the stomach with it. And it's go time, baby. It's two against one. And I'm not proud of it. I don't know where it came from.

I barked at them. Rav! It's like some kind of like an animal instinct came out of me. I had no defense whatsoever. And then the guy with the pole starts wailing on me, man. But it was winter. And I had a big coat on. And it actually didn't hurt too bad.

And you were drunk. Yeah, I'm hammered. And it helped for it not hurting too bad. And then I looked to see what dude number two was doing. I looked at dude number two, and he maced me right in the eyes. I've never felt such excruciating pain in my life. You have no idea how many nerve endings in your eyes, and I broke free, and I'm just, you know, I weld my arms and broke free,

and I'm running, and I'm blinded in all this pain, and I got away from them. I'm sure they, you know, looked at each other and thought, did that guy fucking bark at us? Why were they attacking you? What did they want? Well, they don't have guns. Okay. They don't have guns there, so I heard later that that's,

a very common way for people to get mugged in Paris. Jesus. They mace you, they beat you up, they get you down, they take your money, take whatever. So it took me, I was probably staying about a mile and a half from where I was maced. It took me, I think, two or three hours to get home where I was staying because I would walk a few steps and then it would hit me and the pain was so crippling. I'd sit in like a doorway and just, you know, and just sit there in pain and whimper. And then thank God it started to rain. And then I could, I'd like hold my eyes open and feel the rain in my eyes.

And then finally, eventually, I got back. And I used to have really long hair back then. You remember me. And my French girlfriend, Natalie, she tried to help me. Oh, baby, baby, wash your eyes, baby. And, like, I guess I had little particles of it in my hair. And, like, a little, some particles got in her eyes. And then she's fucking on the ground rolling around in pain and shit.

Man, it went on until, like, sunrise. This shit lasted forever. I'm not going to Paris. Fuck that. No, fuck. Well. No. Paris has had a lot of problems lately, right?

Yeah, the Bataclund and all that. But I'm from Orlando. Look, we had the Pulse Nightclub shooting. So. Yeah, you're nobody's fucking rabbit foot either. And someone, a little kid got eaten by an alligator. What the fuck do you want to do? You are from Orlando originally.

That's right. Well, yeah. I mean, I'm, I was born in D.C. And then my family moved to Orlando when I was 12. But I wouldn't stay out of Paris, Lee. Would you rather be in Paris or Orlando? If you went to the patisseries there and had some, Hey, they have, they have bakeries here.

They have pretty good. There are cheap imitations of what's happening in Paris. I would love to see parts of Europe. but if they're going to amaze people I mean I've been back I've been back I've been back 35 times It's never happened again

Okay You know you'll never be Maisley I love croissas You're not gonna stay You're gonna go to a country Because you like fucking croissons What else do that? That's what he said

That's right You just said patisserie I'll give you I'll give you a good travel tip for Paris If you ever go to Paris Some of the the subway there is called the Metro Okay And some of the metro cars have a flip latch

because you have to like flip this the latch to to open the door I learned that the hard way the first time I was there like I got to my stop and the door didn't open and like a fucking moron I was like this is not nobody the doors aren't opening this is my stop this is my stop

and then like some Parising I just walked over and with his finger just went flip the fucking thing opened so avoid the jackass moment that I experienced if you're in Paris and the doors don't open. Remember, there's a little flip. It's one finger.

When you go, you stay in a hotel? Yeah, now. You have the same hotel. Oh, no, no, no. I stayed different parts of town. Oh, it's interesting. I stayed there in December. I was there in December.

I did this small club and this female comedian who lives there was out of town and let me stay at her place. And she lives in the St. Germain. neighborhood of Paris, which is the Beverly Hills of Paris. And I couldn't figure out her heat. And it was fucking freezing. So I was sleeping with my clothes layered

and my winter coat on. So it was funny to stay in like the richest part of town and then like I'm, it was like sleeping fucking outside in this place. I'd take like really hot showers and it's like for an hour. And everywhere you go, there's Americans, right?

Some. There's a handful. When Arroy City went and did all those shows in China, he goes tons of Americans. Yeah, yeah, there's expats all over China. Right. Yeah. I'm like, I'm very jealous of all that traveling. So you're 29. You got the world by the balls and you want to sit here and fuck around and go to Long Beach, San Jose.

You know what I'm right? That's true. No, but it's even. Where would you like to go, eh? Japan's my number one in Asia. I'll be back in Tokyo the end of June. Come on early. There's your, there's your excuse.

Yeah, and the gym. It's a great little club. Where else would you go? Could you get at least five minutes? Yeah, I'll get you five minutes if you come there. All right, sweet. You could do five minutes in fucking Hong Kong. Yeah, that'd be crazy.

Stand up Tokyo. Here we come. Tokyo. What else would like that? Australia would be really cool, I think. I was in Australia in September at the comedy store. See, like, that's a guy. I haven't done anything in Europe.

But, and then I also, like, honestly, like something that Joey's talked about, I haven't really been anywhere in America. I've been a few places, but, like, that's part of the traveling. I'd like to see, like, I haven't been into any of, like, the national monuments on the East Coast. You went to Israel. Did you make any stops anywhere? I went to Jordan for a day, a couple days. It was fun.

Jordan, it wasn't that. I went to the, uh, where they filmed, uh, Indiana Jones. I like Jordan because, um, they like Michael Jordan so much. They named their country after him. So you do comedy in Israel at all? I have not. I'm supposed to go there in December and do, um, Who books to room?

R.E. Yeah. Somebody books the room, right? Mm-hmm. And you have to be clean. You have to be really clean. Real clean. Right, right, right.

That means I'll never get that. Yeah, yeah. Fuck. No, there has to be somewhere in Israel that would put you up because it's... I heard Tel Aviv you can, you know, you can be more risque. But in Jerusalem, they... Oh, yeah. You've got to be really clean.

Really? Yeah. They take Jerusalem seriously, especially, like, the old part. it's like for like every religion that's like the most sacred part of the world so they take it pretty seriously that is that's it that's as good as it gets right yeah for everybody like there's the Armenian side the Christian side there's the Muslim side and the Jewish side

yes you have to be clean there that's a fucking church town it's pretty cool you can see like monks walking around yeah my friend's wife ex-wife is there now she's been posting pictures on Facebook and it's pretty interesting what you see when you go It's got to be whatever religion you are or thinking of becoming. It's got to wake it up a little bit. It has to wake up your religious experience a little bit going over that. Even like I was a, I know it was never really a big religious person.

Not like when I'm agnostic or wherever I am. But yeah, I've been over there twice and it's pretty, it's just, it makes you, because all the stories you heard growing up, it's just, it makes you. It's like you try to be respectful. It has a lot of me. Even if you don't necessarily believe in God, you just have to see all those people coming together to do one. Like, it's pretty impressive.

You have any religious, anything in your body? I used to be more religious. My family are a hardcore Christians. And I think there's a superiority that comes with real staunch believers in anything where they think they're better than anyone. Like I live in a where the neighborhood I live in is like Orthodox Jewish

like, not the nicest people. Beverly. Fuck, they don't say hi. I walk to the neighborhood and they don't say hello to you. So it's interesting. I I pitched my comedy travel show idea and they do

stand up in Israel and then also they do stand up in Palestine. There's a Ramallah comedy festival. every year. I'm not doing five minutes there, Joey. I thought it would be interesting to show how people on either side use humor to deal with their circumstances

and, you know, the troubles that they're dealing with. And like Comedy Central when I pitched it to them, I mean, it was a whole travel show about comedy and humor around the world. And they said that they didn't think

that the idea was provocative and subversive enough. What the fuck? It's more provocative and subversive than stand-up comedy in Israel and Palestine. You know, like, what are they making jokes about? So, but, you know, if I was 30 years younger. Right. I always thought that would be a great idea to have a travel show where a comedian would do stand up in a different country every week and talk about his experience on stage, what he thought was different.

You know, it's like in the old days. When you went to Austin, you could talk about George Bush on stage. When you went to Houston, mention Bush, and that was the end of your set. You follow me? There's got to be certain countries that you have to touch on one thing, and they might just fucking stop breathing. You know, like, I've been, you know, I was in Charlotte this last weekend. And I went off a couple of nights.

I was eating edibles and shit. So I went off early. What'd you go off on? Just went off, you know, like on stage. Like, you just go off on a fucking tangent about fucking whatever. And I was kind of risque. And I remember that I did this creative entertainment. I remember 30 years ago, creating entertainment.

I started out on the Southern Circuits with those people. Yeah, you started out with them. For me, creative entertainment, the two weeks I did with Vinny Lightbobs was, if I did 10 shows, I bombed 11 of them. I'm not going to lie to you. And then they put me the headline in Jacksonville. I will never forget this. 98, 97, Jimmy Schubert got him go.

He got the movie Go. And he had to cancel quick. So I got a plane ticket for 100 bucks to Jacksonville, and I ate a bag of dicks from Tuesday straight to Sunday, including Friday night after all the oil you could eat buffet. You know, like I just died, Tom. Tom, first off, I wasn't the headliner. That was number one.

I had the time, but that doesn't mean I was a headliner. And when I got to those one-nighters, I couldn't flip it. The only one I did decent that was Clarkville, where there's an army base, it was an army barracks. And the only reason why they even liked me even better, because before the show, they couldn't start the show because the World Series was on, but I was running a commercial at the time for Taco Bell, the first one with the dog.

It was the first series with the dog. And they were popular. and I was in this commercial. So that's the only reason why they laughed at me. But that whole run, West Virginia, there was a college I did on that run that you did comedy on a ping pong table. And if you said the word fuck,

they find you $50. I think I'd break the ping pong table. You know, that was in... Yes, Morganville. Something fucking... I'm not saying nothing better about. I remember all those rooms. I...

$50 if you said the word fuck. $50 fine. And I didn't find out till you get there. I was like, this is not going to work. How much were you getting for the set? 250. I was headlining.

So what if you said six fucks? Then I'm in the minus. I ain't a bag of dog dicks. I ate a bag of dog dicks at University of North Carolina. Like my fuck, that was the school I wanted to go to when I was a basketball player. I was finally in Charlotte, whatever, Chapel Hill. I finally get to Chapel Hill. And before the headliner goes up, there's a fucking drinking contest.

You know, it was one of those tours. Like, I just got the kiss of fucking death on me. Knoxville was the best night because some crazy girl was there. It was just crazy. It was just a crazy night. But that was it, you know? When on the way home, you end the weekend. It was two weeks on a creative run tour.

And the first week was all those one-nighters. But the second week, I ended up, in a club in West Virginia. They actually had a real club on Fridays and Saturdays. But the problem was for me to get a ride back to Charlotte, I had to leave at 4 in the morning to get a free ride. So basically I went back to Charlotte to sit in the fucking Denny's all day because my flight was at 10 o'clock at night

and I had gotten a guest spot at that same club where I performed last week. So this is nine of the ten of ten. 10 bombings in two weeks. And I'm going into a guest set into the Charlotte Comedy Zone. And not only do I eat the biggest bag of dicks of the week, that was it. Like, that was the longest flight I ever took in my life.

And I swore on that continental flight because I never forgot what the airline was. But I would never go back to the Bible Belt again. Like, I bombed everywhere. Nashville, I just went on a fucking, like a Vietnam tour. Like, I just got bombed. That's all they did. I started out doing those shit.

Oh, my God. And then I grew my hair long, and I was called faggot nine million times. Lee. In those rooms. And I had been doing comedy. Tom, was I prepared? Like I said, there was some rough rooms, man. I remember that.

And then the booker, you know, we're going to book you for these one-nighters in the Carolinas. But you got to swing by Memphis and pick up the headlilers. line there. You're like, what the fuck is? It's nowhere near the Carolinas. Like that, like, Tom, I've been doing open mics for like two and a half months that probably.

Even just, like, I was looking at it. I'm like, I've spent like hundreds of dollars, I think, probably at least $100. And then like, both gas and just waiting. Because you sit there for 50 minutes to do five. It's like a lot.

It's like mentally, you have to like be, it's kind of like taxing a little bit. Like it's harder than it seems. shitting for the week like a hundred dollars like and I drove up to Braya back and forth one night I was like Jesus Christ that's what it's fun that's what you do every night that's that's what you don't understand when you do it for free you know I'm saying like you'll never do anything for free if I tell you time you busy

them or you want to watch my car Joey yeah you can be the small 25 at least let me get a little six-pack you know something to get the party's done. Yeah. But we did it for, how long did you do it for it? I don't have a many nights. Oh, a long time. Yeah.

It kills me when people sell me. I'll still do free sets every now and then. Yeah, people still say, I love when people, like, hey man, I've been doing comedy for three years and somebody asked me to do a free room. I don't believe him. Okay.

Well, he kills me. These young guys will ask, hey, when can I expect to start getting paid for this? I'm like, I think you're, you're in the wrong business. If you're more, you know, So they're on their first open mic night, their second open mic night, and they want to know when they can start making money.

I fucking knew in the beginning. I didn't make money for a year. I lucked out. I won a contest and they made me the house MC. So I got $50 a week since $200 a month. So for two years, I made $2,400 a year. Just off comedy. That's 4,800 big gazookas, guys, what I'm saying?

Tax fruit. And all the tater tots you can eat. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No shrimp. shrimp in those days on Tuesday nights but it's just crazy that you this comedy has taken you

all over now let me ask you a question before the NBC show were you traveling abroad no I was the when the sitcom ended I looked at that money as my NBC artist grant so I started taking trips to London and

I took in a few trips to London and that's how I got in, once I got in with London, then I started work in London, and then London was the key to the international circuits for me. Um, because like everything was booked out of London back then, all these international, this Hong Kong China tour, Australia, all these cool gigs, um, you know, but before that, you know, I, I told you, I lived in New York City when I was 20, like a dog in Washington Heights. I couldn't afford anything else. And I always swore if I ever had any money, I'd live in New York City with style.

So after my sitcom ended, I moved to New York and I got a place in the Wall Street area. And total rock star pad, lived there for two years. And then while I was living there and playing in New York and, you know, I was really partying harder than I ever had. And then I started taking these trips to London. And, you know, did the peripheral rooms first because you don't go to the best club first. You know, you want to get your sea legs. as a performer, especially going to a different country. But this advice applies for New York, San Francisco, L.A., Chicago.

You know, you go to some peripheral rooms first, you know, see if your shit's going to work in that city. You don't go to the best club and fucking have a wobbly set, and then they remember you as some wobbly fucking act, you know? You wait until the pistols are hot. It's so the little rules in combat. It's so subtle, but that could change your life. I wish it was podcast to listen to when we were starting.

Yeah. You know, these fucking young guys, they listen to the, you know, they just got that pearl of wisdom. But it's funny how they, usually where you start, you get no respect. Like for years, I wouldn't get booked in Denver. Yeah. And then tickets started selling, so all of a sudden, now I'm in Denver. And I get it. I understand the business level of it.

But throughout my career, not one club from Denver, ever contact. with me and say, hey, man, I saw you in a film, you know? Right. People don't realize that that's the most painful thing, that that's your home fucking club. Well, I always say, like, for years, I, you know, I didn't get any respect in Orlando, and I would always say, they thought Jesus was a punk in Nazareth.

You know, he had to take his show on the road before he got any respect, you know? And now Orlando bookshed. Now Orlando, yeah, I've been playing Orlando for like 10 years now. So frustrating. But for years, I couldn't get them to fucking work me. And it's like my hometown. Okay, for years, there's a club that I used to go by on a bus

before I ever dreamed of doing comedy. When I was robbing gas stations, I would look at that comedy club. It's just a comedy club and go, what goes on in there? Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I would look at it and go, what the fuck goes on in that? Like, I never even dawned on me about stand-up comedy. But I became a comic. I bugged them for years.

Can I get in? I'm originally from Northburg, and no, no, no, no, no. And then finally, some of my friend of mine worked at, and I asked him to bring me. And he brought me, and I got, like, more fucking people came to see me than went to see him. This is 2000, fucking two,

2003, maybe 2004. You know, they never offered out an extra envelope, They stuck to the original pay, four shows for $200. You know, even though I brought a bunch of people in there, my friends ate in there. So for years, I would call them and go, hey, man, let me headline Thanksgiving. No, no, no, they treated me like fucking shit.

Well, two years ago, they started calling me and offering me like fucking the door. How about if we just give them the door? And I would say, no. Like, for some reason, you're supposed to forgive, what's that word? Forgive them. They have grudges. Yeah.

But till this day, I have a grudge against them because they never gave me any fucking love when I really needed. So you don't play that club? No. I didn't ask them for much. It wasn't like I was even asking them for money. Yeah. I would have done a Wednesday night just for me to get together with my high school friends and have a good time and they could sell drinks. Yeah.

You know, it's so fucking weird how where you start, that's why you leave is because you don't get no respect. So if you start in Chicago, they don't like you, you move to Detroit. And next thing you know, you're in L.A. And people are like, well, where did you start? I started in Chicago, but they hit my fucking guts. I think the same thing happens with people in offices. Like, I love my first job here in L.A., but at a certain point, if you start as an intern, they see you as the intern.

At least for some people, some people can break through that, but it is hard, I think. Well, who the fuck knows? It's all different with comedy and whatever. Comedy works. Is that it? Yeah. Yeah. What happened?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It wasn't commonplace. It was a club called bananas, which is next door to the bottom of the room where they shot the sopranos. You don't understand. They shot the sopranos in Denver? They shot the soprano in New Jersey.

Oh, oh, okay. Off of Route 4. Okay. And this club was called bananas. Now they sold it. It's under new ownership. Okay. And I'm considering playing there, but I'm not sure yet.

They needed to sell? Huh? They just wanted the owners. You didn't want to work with those owners anymore. That wasn't the club in Jersey where it was like the owner guy had like a garage sale set up in the front yard and the front foyer of the club with these glass cases. Do you remember that? I don't know. Right now you have the Stress Factory, Vinnie, which is a good club.

Love Vinny. I haven't been there in a long time. I used to work there a lot. I love Vinny, love that room. That's a good little fucking killer. What a crush. You know, and there was britt. Then there was rascals.

There was Rascals North and Rascal South. Rascals North was a fucking great room. Yeah, I think it was Rascal South that had the garage sale in the lobby. Rascal South was Route 35 next to a Russian strip club. That day, you walked in there, you had to have a fucking winter jacket on. I don't know what. Russian chicks like cold is some shit. I went there one time after a comedy show.

I'm like, why is it fucking freezing this fucking place? And then bananas. Bananas is inside a hotel. And there's like a restaurant next to it, like a hotel restaurant. And bananas is like you go in there. They have like lawn furniture. It's one of those clubs where they have like picnic tables. What do you mean they have lawn furniture?

It's the East Coast, so nobody gives a fuck like that type of club. They have those type of clubs in Boston also. Where they're a banquet hall. They're a banquet hall, but you turn them into a one-night. I've been to a one in a Chinese restaurant. It's fucking awesome. Yeah, they're awesome. They're awesome.

That's bananas. It's small. The ceiling's small. There's no stage. It's like a stepping thing that you step on. You never did bananas and all your fucking is a comic. It's right under the George Washington Bridge. Right underneath the George Washington Bridge.

It's the last off route for it. Like you could see, as you're going for the bridge, you can see it right there. And it just happened to be next to the Bada Bing. The Bada Bing, I don't know if that's the real name of it and real dick. closed it recently. It was next to the strip club where they shot the Sopranos. So for years recently

there was, if you're a tourist, you go to Times Square and take a bus over to the Bada Bing and to the museum there. But the two idiots got in trouble for tax evasion. They didn't pay taxes on the fucking money and they just recently closed it down this article. Hunt it down.

Bada Bing closes. See if I'm going to see. Do you see a pattern here, listeners? If you're a criminal, pay the taxes. It's always where they get. Pay your fucking taxes. That's where they get you. Look, and they get you on those autograph shows and shit.

That's how they get you. Wait, give them the 10 years. All these Comic-Con jerkups, they're all going to be doing 20 years. A bunch of these fucking Comic-Con nickelheads. Oh, man. Because they go down there, they sign $25 autographs. Right.

And you cheat. And what do you think? If Tom Rhodes got 50 autographs and Lee got 50 autographs, why is Diaz only get $5? five autographs. You go to jail, bitch. And they'll let you do it for like five or ten years. They'll give you leeway. Yeah, got it. No problem.

They'll come to fucking Comic-Con take pictures of you with 20 people. And then one day you get the letter in the mail. Excuse us. Our fucking records indicate that you really had 90. You're lying to death. You go to court and all of a sudden they play this video

when you giving out autographs and jumping up and down as the character you were 80 years ago and shit. they're sending that kid from fucking Jersey Shore to jail. You bet your ass they're sending that motherfucker to jail. What, from the TV show? Yeah, which one? 15 fucking years, the one.

No way. 15 years? Yes, they are. How much did he last, how much did he make? It's Fed time. He'll do six at a fucking country club. That's a long time. He didn't, uh, it was the autographed money?

Yeah, let's find it. Find it. What's his name? Yeah, they had the bottom been closed on the 17th. Okay. The bottom had been closed in the 17th. Don't look up what's the situation. He's going to do six years.

They're looking at 15. That means if it's federal time, you do seven good behavior, five and a half. They send you up to Lampock, you play tennis, you learn how to milk cows. You know what I'm saying? It's not that bad. It's not like going to fucking,

it's not like they're taking you to jail and fucking them spraying mace in your eyes. You got? Hey, that kid? Yeah, when you don't, listen, let me tell you something. You don't pay your taxes and they throw you in jail. It ain't that bad. But hold on.

You've sat on this podcast. You didn't pay taxes for like a decade. You went in there and they said you've been on a plan. Why can't he go on a plan? Because, listen, the plan is when you fuck up and you forget to send your taxes in and you made $9,000 one year as a comment, they don't give a fuck about that, okay? It's when you make. How much did he make?

All right. How much? Oh, he defrauded. Oh, he defrauded them by almost 9 million, 8.5 million. You're going to do it some fucking time. But in three years, 2010 to 2012, so that's... Nine million? He was selling a lot of autographs.

What was it? They got them on. And then he tried to do something else. Where was he making it most 9 million? I don't know if it was the autographs. I might be wrong on that. Fraudulent business deductions, income, five years on each account. Oh, fuck.

They don't fuck. around. He faces a maximum sentence of 10 years. Wow. So he's got a great attorney. So all the money he had put away and all the money he stole. He could have used a better accountant. Well, he goes to an attorney. Hey, bro, they got forensic accountant.

The feds. They go through the year out. They find one discrepancy. That's why all these people for years would write off everything in comedy. And then comics started getting fucking whatever the fuck

because they were doing those dinners and all that shit, everything was a fucking right off. No, it ain't. No, it ain't. Good luck. You got to do something a little bit different. They have people. They're forensic accountants. That's what they do for a fucking living. I can't leave something like, boy, no.

That's scary. What's going on? I don't know. No. What's going on, Tom, bro? You didn't smoke out of Paris, man. No, I just smoking. You didn't need no vikas, and you're acting like somebody else. You're acting like somebody double. You know what I'm saying?

Unless you're holding out of me. You're holding? You got some Xanax? No, man. I haven't done Xanax. You're not tip-top of my go. So you're sober now? I'm sober, yeah.

Completely. I smoke a little weed once in a while, but I have told you before my wife, who's from Holland, hates it. Okay. And I've had fucking people send me emails. And I just tell you what fake it, man. Just like, do some edibles and don't tell her. And like, yeah, once I start telling a long story with a lot of pauses, she knows this.

You know, the goose is cooked. Now, she just, you know, she only, I only smoke a minimal amount of times a month and treat it like a treat, that type of thing. Has it changed you as a comic than? Because you're more focused, I get more shit done, you know? Because I used to smoke like every day. a professional. What's a pro? You know, I hate when people use the, I hate when people give people stereotypes. You're a comic, bro. When you sign up to be a comic, if, you know, like, I love Jim Gaffigan. I love, I love every fucking comic. You know, whatever. Everybody has their

lifestyle. But when I signed up to be a comic, it was to do this till you ended up like fucking nanny bruce. Yeah. You know, that was the book. I'm not going to lie to here. Yeah, me too, man. All my heroes died fat, naked and bloated on the bathroom tiles. So, you know, when you dive into this, you hope that you get good, you figure out how to do it. She would figure out the lifestyle we want to live, which is a no responsibility in lifestyle whatsoever. I don't really have an address. I got a P.O. box somewhere in Michigan, and that's all you need to know.

I didn't have an address for 10 years. It's the weirdest thing when you commit to that life. for somebody like Lee, it's imaginable. But with comedy, you could just drop out of society right now, Lee. Like if you didn't want anybody to find you, all you would have to do is just do it triple runs. Under like a different name? No, you could use Lee Syatt.

You're still going to pay taxes and do everything, but nobody would know where you were. You would discommunicate with everyone. With comedy, you could do that. With comedy, that's the reason I did it at the first. When I fucking left Boulder, the main purpose was to discommunicate. My life had been, everybody went to prison. I got divorced.

I steal. I lied. I got thrown out of fucking university. I got my GED. I quit high school. When I dove into comedy in 1995, that was it. All that was was a pager and a P.O. Bucks, Jack. You were not going to get a hold of me.

I did not want a cell phone. I did not want responsibility. I wanted to be Charles Bronson in a single apartment with some books, a little cot, and the black and white TV, and I was good to go. That's why you got into it. I didn't expect to become, you know, all to have money in the beginning for years. I knew I was going to suffer. I do think, I mean, I don't really want to do that.

See, that's, honestly, that was part of my thinking when anyone would ask me why I didn't do comedy. He's like, I don't really want to do 10 years of like that. Like, that doesn't really sound appealing when you guys tell those stories. But when you... You got to do it. You're never going to get to the... You're never going to get to samurai status without... How long were you broke for before everything started clicking for you at the time?

10, 12 years, maybe. Remember when you accepted being broke? I'll sleep on friends' couches. I used to hitchhike to gigs. I'd take Greyhound buses in the South. to do those butt-fuck gigs you talked about earlier. Those comedy zones, those shittles. You were young, young kid.

You were 20s, right? Yeah, well, no, I was like, I started when I was 17. I went on the road at 18. So like 18, 19, I'm in the backwater southern circuits. And then when I was 20, I moved to New York City, you know, but 18, 19, I was doing all those butt-fuck gigs all over the south, everywhere. I don't mind driving. I'll drive everywhere, but I need at least like a motel 6 or look into it.

I can't, I don't like sleeping on people. Did your family have money that's going to pay for those hotels and gas and stuff? No, see, that's the thing. It's hard. No, Lee, that means. If you're starting in California, too, it's a whole different world, you know. Here's the problem with Lee. You can sleep out on the grass anywhere here.

Here's the problem with Lee. Nobody's ever shut the lights off only. And, um, what does that mean? To really build yourself up, you really got to scrub some type of the bottom to really, really see the top. You know, there's no motel six. You know, take this job away from you

and go on the road and live on $100 a night. You love this. So, in your heart, you will make it work. That Volkswagen becomes a Prius. The back has a blanket. See, I would rather do that.

I'd rather do that. The sleeping like you're looking crappy hotel. You have a cooler. And you learn to adapt making sandwiches like i would i could buy an rv and just do that that's great you could buy an rvv listen to me the biggest gift i got from comedy was the gift of survival learning how to survive we learned how to survive learn how to pee into a coke bottle while driving yeah there's no time to stop you got to get to this gig you learn and you accept well i you know you'll take a gink for 75 bucks to break even just to get the hotel room that night to cover you to you get to santa fe on friday the

first gig i ever took out of florida was in tulsa oklahoma which the the week to mc for 150 i drew from i drove from orlando to tulsa halfway across the country for i probably cost more than that in gas you know i'm sleeping in rest areas you know i mean but i was like i was like 19 18 19 I was like, and I just felt like I'll never forget pulling into the Tulsa City limits. I mean, like, I was excited about it. I felt, I could have been doing like the Tonight Show or the, or S&L or something. I remember feeling like, man, I'm in show business. Yeah, you didn't even, yeah.

Oh, my fuck, I'm going to play in Tulsa. My first gig was in Ogden, Utah. Wow. A girl and her boyfriend just tweeted me the end day from Ogden. And when I heard that name, I went back. into that time for like two minutes how excited I was that I was performing in Ogden, Utah. In my world, it was bigger than Las Vegas at that time. My shirt was ironed.

My shoes were shined. It didn't matter. I bombed. But she looked great. But I looked good. You know, like that lead, it's a different mindset. You're just so happy to be that somebody's paying you for what you've done for the life. you've done for the last four years for free,

that that's the last start in your head. I'm not asking them to get me the hotel. No, no, no, no, no. Listen to me. You probably got $380,000 in your account when you get this $200 gig, which is going to cost you $150 to get there and gas and back. You're not going to ask nobody for a hotel.

I ain't going to talk to you. This is all done by email. You have no negotiation. They tell you $200 and sleep in your car, and your car breaks down and then you're fucking... Listen, Dean Delray is 50, and I've seen him do things that I admire Dean Delray. Because Dean Delray will do a comedy show and wait until 10 o'clock and tap into that website that gives you $200 hotel rooms for $38. Oh, yeah, I'll do that.

And that motherfucker will sit in there until five minutes after 12 the next day. He'll get room service. He'll live like a doctor. That there's a way, if you really love something, it happens. you know, I got in a hometown sex, I thought, you go three days without a motel. And you'll love what you're doing.

You'll love eating those subway sandwiches. You'll love pulling over and rolling those joints and peeing outside in the winter and peeing in the snow. It just becomes, I remember being... You had weed, but you wouldn't think in a hotel room? Listen, who cares? I'd rather have weed

than a hotel room and have a story to tell any day of the week. Me and Jody Furding are driving. on the five on a triple run. And we've got a two-door car that the backseat, the trunk fits nothing. There's a two-door car. It was a Saturn two-door coupe.

And the back was up to the top with women's clothes. Like I had a suitcase, but Jody Ferding had enough clothes to go away for 10 years. And on the top of that was a white shirt with a fucking dog. beautiful, her favorite white shirt to wear. She would wear it on Friday nights because it showcased her tits.

She's passed out. I'm in the fucking car. She's like, Joey, we should stop and get a hotel. In those days, we never had by. She was getting $85, and I was getting $1.75. I wasn't dating. I wasn't paying for the hotel room. If she was freezing, I was fucking freezing. And I'll never forget I was smoking a cigarette with the window open.

I would throw the cigarettes out, the window. And one of those, I'm sitting there. like man this car smells fucked up and I look back and I see Jody's white shirt with a six inch hole in it's smoking I had to fucking take the shirt while she was sleeping and throw it out

the window and something else she owned and I took like a jacket of mine and put it there like nothing ever happened for three years she kept asking me I never knew what happened to that white shirt I should call the hotel and shit now I live on fire like those of the adventures

Lee adventures going in that car I love driving that part sounds like fun just doing open mics across the country you imagine a world that doesn't exist Lee yeah no where everything's fine

there's no struggle yeah he's delusional I don't know he doesn't talk about no one's paid my rent since I've moved out here I don't know where you're like to tie this into you know you ask me about being sober and everything another

thing about how I'm conducting my life right now is I'm trying to get some shit done. You know, I've been working on this book for like six, seven years now. I wrote the first draft, finished that like about a year ago. So I'm trying to get this book ready for publication. So like it's got these insane road stories from when I first went on the road. My life, you know, when I had the sitcom, when I had the late night talk show on Amsterdam,

getting maced in Paris, almost drowning in Thailand, all these like, insane stories that have happened to me as a comedian. I mean, my, you know, epic life, basically. And, you know, my dad was killed by a drunk driver. My sister died of breast cancer. I got married at her hospital bedside hours before she died of cancer. You know, I've had a pretty fucking epic story. So, you know, a lot of these, a lot of comedians put out these books. And they're these little cream puff fucking 105 page books and it's their act that's transcribed

and it's like double space the sentences. It looks like a third grade book with like big thick letters to like so it can fill 100 pages. You know I mean mine is like a work. I mean mine's going to be I don't know how many pages. I'm

trying to chop it down but I mean it's a legitimate book. I mean it's you know I hate to use the word literature, but it's not a cream puff comedian's fluff book of his fucking jokes written, you know? Huh. So, the fact that I'm not

smoking pot every day, I've been able to whip this into shape fairly, fairly well. Because you were a wild guy. I want to know how it affected your stand-up at night. To go sober. Yes. It was great.

think the beginning when you make the adjustment it takes a it takes a minute i think you know my my i've always been a heavy drinker and uh my philosophy was always you know give me more drugs and uh my dad who i was very close with my dad's a reason i'm a comedian he's killed by a drunk driver and um i i i was i was pretty um i was pretty um i was pretty um i was pretty Sad over that. And then my sister died of breast cancer a year and a half later. So I kind of went into the, I saw no joy in life. And I really started drinking heavily more than I ever did.

And I started to look like shit. And I started to get this white, puffy, you know, white guys who have that puffy alcoholic face with the big bulbous nose. And I looked like shit. And I was sluggish. and I blacked out in Philadelphia and busted my head open and just decided to stop drinking. You told us that the last time you were here, I just wanted to know,

because I noticed a lot of young comics out there, you know, when the thought came to my mind that I'd have stopped snort and coke, I was like, my career is done. Like, I'll never be funny again. Like, that's the first thought I had. Like, I thought that the, look at this poor bastard,

I thought to get the napkin, please get the napkin. Get the people. Are you going to throw up, Lee? I don't know. Jesus Christ, but I got to live with it. He's going to vomit. Here, let me get you a bucket or something. What's a matter? What's the matter? What do you mean? What's the matter? What are you going to puke from? What did you eat that you're going to puke from?

What is the fucking problem? I saw you over there drinking water, crickling the fucking bottle. Then you switch bottles. What happened? Are you thinking about Motel Sixes? I'm thinking about what's worse than Motel. nothing. There's nothing worse.

Yes, there are. I've seen a lot of worst motels. Well, where you go, all those Airbnbs when you got the rash, the Airbnb in Long Beach. That's terrible. You're the fucking kiss of death on your own. You don't even need a fucking travel agent. This guy picks the worst lowcows ever, and then

he goes into a jacuzzi, he gets one of those rashes from the 70s. Yeah, another Airbnb. Any Airbnb you go to you get VD. VD wasn't even around. anymore and he fucking got it. Someone has to get it.

It's a scary thought for a lot of people. What, to go sober? Absolutely. Absolutely. I found it's made me a better comedian because I'm more focused on stage. I got the, I mean, I was always, you know, the thing I always said about comedy, the best thing about comedy is it's the only job you can show up half in the bag and everybody's still happy to see it, you know. But I mean, I was the party guy forever and I enjoyed it. I don't regret anything.

I was there with you a couple of last. You and I went hard and many. Houston when we met. Oh, my God. And Houston is some of the purest cocaine available in America. And you would go to these towns and you would start on Tuesday. And it was every night until fucking Sunday morning. At Sunday morning, you were at the fucking airport eating those breakfast tacos.

thinking yourself, thank God the fucking week is over. Yeah, I flew back from Paris. I changed planes in Atlanta. Atlanta was always a fun town for me. And I just remember, like, that airport, I've been in that airport, like, on, like, where I would party all night after the last, you know, I have so many great friends in Atlanta

and the staff that worked at the club. And I just remember just going to that airport after party and all night. And I have flown. on every possible substance and high. And I think the best way to fly is definitely sober. It's way better than, you know, still on mushrooms, still high, still drunk, still whatever.

I like smoking a joint or eating the park cookie and getting on a plane. I'm not going to lie to nobody. Getting on a plane hung all for a night before, to me, that is just death. Death. Death. I remember drinking till five,

and the car picking you up at seven. Yeah. And you showing up in your eyes are just beaming of alcoholism and drug use. And they look at you in the counter. They look at you and go, oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah. And you just read.

You could brush your teeth 18 times. And you could fucking do 19 listerines and take a shower. What was coming out of your pores was pure fucking, I would smell it. I smelled it at the airport this Sunday. It was a UFC. So a lot of the guys were going home

and I smelt that smell on the plane. Both, it coming out of your body and it coming out of your breath. I can't deal with it. I couldn't deal with that 20 years ago. That was horrible getting high and having to fucking fly. That's a horrible fucking feeling.

That I don't know how people do. I applaud you. You're the king of it. I defer. A long time. I applaud you. I would just partying all night, get on a plane. Fuck you.

Go straight to the airport. Oh. Yeah. So anyway, so now, you know, I mean, I think I've reached some kind of level of maturity. You're an adult. You've been doing this for 30 years. You've done it all. Next week, February 4th will be 34 years.

34 years. You've heard every story. I've lived every story. I mean, you've gone to every, you know, you're traveling to that. nationally is fucking amazingly. Yeah, it's great. And you know what? I think what I've found is...

Who's the guy they found in Santa Monica? Wideny Bulls. You like the Whitey Bowled. You like that, you know, like I said, you know, like my wife has conditioned me to, like if I smoke pot to make it a special occasion. And it's, you know, like if I'm hanging out with Joey Diaz, it's a special occasion.

It's got to be somebody who's a good friend of mine. You know what I'm saying? I can't, she doesn't want me, you know, getting high with open micers, fucking random people. And like I said, I think my life is more focused now. I'm really sharp on stage while I'm telling a joke or a story. My rolydex is in my brain. All right, I got this and fucking this. We can take them this way.

We can, it's, it's, I, I'm very happy with the way things are right now for me. me, you know? I'm also, because I want to ask you, because I know I feel the difference. For me, it was 10 years to blow, you know. Rifa, I could do the National Anthem on Rifa. I love it. That doesn't affect me on stage or if I don't do it. A lot of times I don't do it.

And I think it's, I think I have too much energy when I don't get high sometimes. Lee, you all right, buddy. What's going on with you? You talk to Uncle Joe. You got me concerned. You're like the first time I did your podcast. I think that's what's...

I'm very sorry. You were telling the story about your dad and your sister. And I looked at him because he was fucking making faces that would kill him. I don't know what the fuck was going on. Look at him.

You're all right. Maybe I got like a headache or something. I don't know. You get a headache? What's the matter, dog? You think you got a fucking tumor? Maybe five edibles wasn't a good idea. No, we had

six. Six what? We had two of the cushies the four of those, whatever those fucking... Those things are like 800 milligrams of piece. Did you know that? Don't worry about nothing. Nah, no, they're fine.

He's all right, this poor kid. No, I remember. I had some edibles a couple years ago. And it felt like waiting for an illness to pass. It was nothing enjoyable about it. No, man, no. He's used to it. We've got a little pillow here before

Kiki Lee. She'll rub his shoulders. She got a hykidore. She'll put a needle in this time. Or I'm having a stroke That could be happening I hope not late You too With Christ

Jesus Christ Knock on wood That bong it Took it to the next levels And shit You want to do another one? Just straighten you up a little bit No I don't

San Francisco punchline February 7th to the 10th I'll be at side sputters in Tampa February 22nd To the 25th And then what's your international schedule Like I just think the people

I don't know Yeah well I'm getting I'm going to do end of March. I'm doing this, this Magners Comedy Tour. It's, I'm doing Bangkok, and then it's on my website. And then I'm going to do Hanoi, Ho Chi Minh City, and then I'm going to do Manila and Boricay, Philippines.

And then I'm going to Hong Kong. And then that's the beginning of April, end of March, beginning of April. End of June, I'm going to go back to Tokyo. I'm doing Tokyo in Osaka. And then in August, I think I'm going to do Shanghai. And I'm going to go back to Mongolia. I did Mongolia last, um, months ago. Is there you laughing at Lee?

Because he's so fucked up. He just, he should have seen it. He keeps running with his head. Because he's playing with him. His own head is playing with him. Yeah. He was sitting there thinking he was getting a strong. I saw his face.

He's like, maybe I'm having this. Well, I like that if you were having a stroke, you'd still finish the show. I think that's pretty... Listen, they're mild strokes. I had, like, three of them. All right. What happens is you puke a little bit.

It's white. It's foamy. You take a nap. You get up. You're a little dizzy. I don't think my intrams covers the mild stroke. No, you don't even go to the doctor. I've had a couple mild strokes at the house.

No big. He's just laying bed watch a lot on order. You get the girlfriend to make some chicken loo. soup and you'll be fine tomorrow. You don't have to do another podcast this week. Oh, thank goodness. What's that? This is why I say to you, you're always in training. This is not training. This is craziness. How many? You have not done an edible since we came back from Austin. I've been giving you a breather.

I figured you go over the sunset herbal, get yourself some cheetahews on your own. You're not even conscientious no more. You've lost it. I can't do edibles like this every night. I was saying. It's not. like this every night, but you got to keep it. What do you mean that isn't like this every night? It's training. You gotta do this three, four nights a week.

They don't. That's why when you go do comedy at night, you stop at the weed store first, then you pop the edibles, and then you do comedy. So when you get off the stage, bang, bang, boom. I don't wanna be high up there. Not up there when you get off stage. I don't.

That'll help you kick the adrenaline will help you kick, but that's a complete different lesson. I'm trying to have a conversation with Mr. Rhodes here. About international stuff. So do me a favor and stop making fun faces. You're not going to be... I'm not making funny. You're not going to die. And if you do, don't worry about it.

I got a place where to drop you all. Thank you. Nobody's ever going to... He left last night. What are you talking about? He was here. He did the podka. You didn't see him. He didn't leave a note. Nothing. Nobody saw him. Over about a 170. There's a little spotted there. We could drop off people. Nobody knows nothing. There's a hawk up to there.

Do you want to be that girl in that... In that the Big Dick Show, don't you? Oh, absolutely. From Godfather, too. It's what he's going to be dream. Career opportunities. You know, I've always admired you. I really have because I learned something from you

that, you know, I got into comedy for all the... I didn't get into comedy to be on TV. I didn't get into comedy to do movies. I got into comedy to disappear. I got into comedy to play shit states and play shit holes just to survive. If I could just survive and pull a little bit of money away and live that life of Riley that we all admire,

that guy that, you know, uh, give us a movie Major League. Yeah. Uh, what's, what's the catcher? Who plays the catcher in that movie?

Nobody remembers him. Fuck. Tom Berger. Oh, yeah. Tom Berger's character's great. He gets a phone call and he's got two naked women on the bed and he wakes up drunk and he's playing in the Mexican baseball league and he lives in the horror house and, you know,

and that's your life and you wait for the major leagues to call you, but until then you survive and someday you get old and you die, you accept that. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's what I accepted comedy to be. I was going to be Tom Berringer in the fucking whatever. I was just going to be a minor league

comedian. I was never going to attain any success. If I ever did come out, he would be to be an extra. But my whole passion with comedy was that I didn't have to have a day job. Nobody needed to know who I was. Like, that's it. I would call a booker. He would book me and that was it. Nobody knew nothing. I loved that idea. When I read that

book, you know, he did strip clubs, Lenny Bruce. So he would do strip clubs, go back to the Chelsea, shoot heroin and sleep till fucking four in the afternoon. Wake up, we've got a bingo and locks. Who's better than that? Who's better than that? No responsibility, no phones, no nothing. You don't even want people calling you. That's what I thought comedy was. Obviously it became something else and my life turned into something else, you know?

but that first couple of years, especially when you realize you need to live on the road, to become a good comic, to get a good comic foundation, you just become a nomad. Like, I was a nomad, and I know you were all. You're the king of the nomads. But that's not what I learned from me. I learned that when you get into comedy, you look at the spectrum and you go, you know what, the highlight of my career would be getting a TV show. and for you that wasn't the highlight of your career

you became a great comic the TV show was one of the just one of the many things that you did that didn't define you do you know what I'm saying yeah yeah yeah you know there's some comedians that were great comics they get a TV show then they just forget about being the comics I respected all that level but I also respected what you did because I remember seeing you at the improv maybe four months after the show was canceled

So you didn't have a nice look on your face. Yeah. It was that the Melrose Improv. I could be wrong, the timing. But the look on your face wasn't. I didn't know you personally. I still liked the show, and I liked what you didn't. With all the comedy, I used to watch.

I was a young comic watching you. And I always thought that after a comic show would get canceled, they would just wrap it up and go sell real estate. You didn't do that. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know, like, after who could tolerate it? that like my show got canceled

you Margaret show you guys didn't give a fuck it made you a better motherfucking comedy yeah well I mean it wasn't that easy I mean it was kind of chilling yes I understand that was you know like show business goes ice cold on you

and people you thought were your friends stopped taking your call it's crazy and I stuck around LA for for like a year after the sitcom was finished and you know people who I I thought were my friends and, you know, even my manager stopped taking my calls. And it's pretty fucking chilling. And then that's why I was like, you know, fuck this town.

And I moved to New York to get deep back into stand-up comedy. And then also, like I said, I started using that money to take trips to London. Because London is a massive stand-up comedy town, you know, and brilliant comedy comes out of there. And, you know, there's people in New York and London and all they care about is stand-up and they don't give a shit about TV. So, and all I cared about was stand-up. I didn't. That TV show was just a blip. You still with us, Lee?

So far. It's so weird what I've learned the last, it wasn't just doing comedy. It was also learning about life. I saw a dear friend of mine. that got a big deal twice and I saw how his manager would be everywhere. If you saw him,

you saw his manager. Once the deal fell through, I never saw the manager. I didn't even know. I knew the deal fell through because I went somewhere and he wasn't with the manager anymore. I was like,

his deal fell through. And even though I would ask him, oh yeah, it's still a lot, you know. But that has to be like the, like, you know, I was writing about it this last week. Like when I got to, out of fucking county jail the first time for kidnapping and my bail and my name was in the paper

in my mind I thought that you knew like even if I didn't know you and I was shopping right and you look at me I go you have like this feeling that people are looking at you was an experience to go through that it was a two-week period where I thought when I went to a restaurant to all the eggs she was looking at me because I just got out of county jail for kidnapping and I think it would be the same if I had a show and it got canceled. Like, you would think people are looking at all that's hammered. There's no shows. They don't even know what you want.

They don't even want TV. You know, but then the people who were close to you, that's the weirdest thing ever when people just stop returning your calls. It's the weirdest fucking feeling. Yeah. You know, when I was in the longest

yard, Adam Sandler has his right-hand man. You know, how many times I call them in the daytime to get directions or something he had some phone. I mean, the day I was off the set, he never picked up the phone again. Wow. It's crazy.

Yeah. Well, you know, that's 20 years later. Yeah, no, that's why. Having performed on every continent, and, you know, and I had many more TV shows after that. So. But it wasn't even about the shows. It's about your stand up at the end.

Yeah. That's all this has been about the 30, your journey, you never stopped. No, I'm better than, and I'm better than, and I think like if we boil it down and then that's, you know, I'm telling the story in my book. I mean, you know, everything has been for

stand-up comedy. You know, I moved to New York. I moved to New York for stand-up. I moved to Europe, you know, everything, because, you know, your human experiences are where you're the best comedy material comes from, the truth, the life you've lived, you know.

So travel in the world, moving to Europe, all these things. And then I think ultimately, me, because for years partying and I got great stories for my act. You know, so much of my show is, you know, stories of excess. And then I think it came to a point where I knew I could be a better comedian if I wasn't fucking drunk every night. And when I busted my head open in Philadelphia, you know, the next day, that is the reason why I stopped drinking because I thought, you know. What was your typical drinking day? Well, I mean, not, not, I'm talking about what I ran with you. I'm talking about even then you were rocking and roll.

Always. No, and that's the thing. You got to the club with me at a quarter of eight. Yeah. And you'd get two or three at a shot or something. Well, yeah. And then after the show, then that's when the Colombians showed up. You know what I'm saying?

The, uh, the hamburger. helper for the booth. A normal evening would be like you know like when I busted my head open it was pretty surprising because it was a pretty normal evening. I had 10 points of Sierra Nevada and oh yeah I do that

that was a fucking that was a that was a Thursday and I'll pass out. You know? If I was drinking wine I would drink you know like if I wasn't at a club and getting them by the glass I'd drink probably, you know, two or three bottles.

Maybe sometimes squeeze out a fourth one. You know, I love booze. And I've always been able to handle it and stay up all night, you know? I was a fucking tank. How crazy is that that I'm so envious that that's not one of my shortcomings? Like, I'm like a fucking retard. Like, I like my little marijuana. And even though I stopped doing the pills and the fucking drinking.

the snort. The drinking was never my problem. But I wish I could look a man in the face. I really do. All my life. There was a couple of years when I was doing it because I was doing Coke and I was trying to act like fucking Don Johnson. So I would see and try to always get a drink, you know, but it's not my forte. It's not my forte to look at Lee and go, let's go have three beers at a bar and sit there. I don't know why. It's never been in me. I wish I could. I mean, every once in a while, man, I'll wake up one day and go, man, I go for a fucking cold hyniquet.

It'll take me eight days to get that beer. That's how much of a scary cat I am, like, when it comes to alcohol. You don't drink on planes because you really die. That's what killed Carrie Fisher. That and this weed. The same weed that Lee got the headache from, this is the weed that killed Carrie Fisher. No way. Yeah, there's the weed she smoked the night before. No way.

Yeah, you want to hit? No, but I wish I was a social drinker. If I could do it again, I wish I could, like in the 70s, all the TV shows had bottles with no labels on them. And people, if you walked in the thing automatically, I didn't even ask you. There was no, there was no, Kiki, what are you drinking today? No, it was brown. That's all you needed to know. I went, I opened up a thing, I put three ice cubes in there,

I put three fingers in and I handed it to you. There was no, I'm driving, there was no, I don't have an Uber app, there was no, I have a meeting in 20 minutes. You fucking drank that thing, Tick-top Magoo, like nothing happened. You know how bad I wish I could do that, Tom Runt? It was, it would never end me. I go into a comedy club, what the fuck, what headliners? We can drink whatever you want.

I go to a fucking bar and I'll sit there at the comedy club and I'll look at every bottle and analyze it at the end go, there's nothing I really want to. I want Anazette. Like if the, you know, what's Anazette? What's the gorilla, the gorilla? Anis, yeah, Ani and Gorilla. Why?

That's so tough. Oh, over rice, that shit's delicious. I like quantro. Over rice. Who drinks quantro? Only a half a fact like me. drink quantro can I get it

I want to buy my friend a friend Jellico please oh my god a friend Jelico with a fucking splash a fucking baby's Irish cream and a little fucking cream and you're shaking up with ice cubes

ooh for nothing's it's $22 and nothing happens the only drinks I see him with have whipped cream and who you

when did you see me with a drink of work at the ice house you always have oh no no one time you saw me one time One night I went in there and they were making pinocaladas, and I told the guy, give me a drink and put some whipped cream on it.

But I know. Yeah, the pink ones too. No, I had whatever fucking color, but it's weird. I could never just go into a bar with Tom Rhodes and go, give me a fucking do-a-doers on the rocks. With a beer back and give my friend whatever the fuck he's drinking. And by the time the bartender gets you, you, you already do the fucking

doers and give it them the class. Like here, go get another one. Before the party even starts. I was a lot of periods, man. I used to drink Stoli on ice. I love booze. I love gin and tonics. Wine. Gin and tonics are great.

With a lot of lime in it and short. Yeah. For some reason, a tall gin and tonic wasn't my shit. But a short one after I did a couple blast of coke, forget about it. I would tell you any story you wanted to hear. I'm saying. I also like doers on the rocks when I was snorting.

I think when I turned 70, I think I might start having like a glass of wine. Yeah, no. Once you hit 70, you... Because like, I like hanging out in Paris, in Rome, and there's something cool about sitting in a cafe sipping a glass of wine.

But I'm not going to go back to the fucking staying up all night. None of those snorting coke. And looking at the window and fucking... Yeah, yeah. That's, I couldn't... There's nights where I watch narcos or something. Nothing. Life's higher wisdom isn't coming from fucking doing coke all night anymore.

And we thought it did for a long time. But who the fuck were we? Look at how wrong we were. It's so weird how sometimes I see people doing coke on narcos or the other show. I love that show. And when I turn the show off, I like go into the office and think about what would happen if I haven't done a line? Like, I don't even have a desire to stick anything. How disgusting is that?

putting a dollar bill up your nose. That is the most disgusting fucking thing you could ever fucking do in your life. Do you know that? You don't many fucking diseases you could get from that? I had a wart removed in my nose. It had to be from one.

It had to be from dollars or something. Something was in my nose that grew for a long time. Like a fucking snout that wouldn't come out. It was connected. I don't know. I don't even know.

One of my aunts, older aunts, got hepatitis C years ago. Yeah. And she told me, always use your own dollar. Yeah. That's what it was. Very helpful, you know, family heirloom advice to pass down. So I'm happy for you?

Thanks, man. You're off the booze. You look good. Let me give some shoutouts real quick to some fucking tremendous people. Your nephews, I hope they still listen to the show. The fucking tip-top, Tony, whatever the fuck. fuck his name is Kwali, Tony over there in Vegas.

Don't fucking, you know, hold on, cocksucker. And don't make me find out. Kind of clever. Dead movie star bro. Jimmy Nunya, Anthony Jay, Miles B.

M. K. Ultron. Rob Marley, Ryan McGarley, and Alan Alec. And my girl, Kichi. Whether you kidding me or what? Anyway. And I have a new

album out on iTunes. It's called All Hail Laughter. Since what? It's going to come out. It came out like a month ago. Did you really? So see what I'm saying, guys? Most people's TV show would have got canceled. They would have rent, ran under a tent. Got a real estate, had a nine ugly kids, and then told

their kids they did comedy with Joe Rogan. Not Tom Rhodes. For Tom Rhodes, there was just a bump in the road. He didn't give a fuck. He knew what his true calling was. Standup is my... And that's all that matters. People were born and put on this earth. you young comics that are getting into this because you think of all this other shit that comes

of it, that don't even do it. Don't even waste your time. Just go to college and go to theater and jump up and down. But if you want to get down, like this other, my poor little stoutes friend, when I Leachrona, you don't even think like that. The passion to do stand-up, the passion to be a

fighter, the passion to go to the Olympics, whatever your fucking passion is, you don't look at a fucking a couch for me in 1998 was the fucking four seasons. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like I was sleeping in a fucking dotson B-2-10,

and I loved it. And to wake up with no chiropractor and to get back in the car, like those triple runs, you have to drive eight hours from one gig to the next. How do you think you get there, Lee? You click your heels, you take a flight. You got to drive. So sometimes, if a show started at 7.30, for example,

I would say, Lee, we're going to call the fucking hotel and see if they can check us in at 6 a.m. What are you talking about? We're driving after the show. So we could sleep all day. You follow me? You did things like that. Absolutely.

No. And I understand roughing. And that's what I was, that's what I said at the beginning of this, is that that was one of the things that deterred me from it. But I can see now where the, like, some of the love came in. You guys were like, well, like, well, I'm not, man. Fucking love is love.

Whatever you have a passion for, guys, don't think about money. Just make believe there's no fucking money involved. Close your eyes and go into it and go, this is what I'm going for. If you're good, and if you do the fucking work you're supposed to do, the money will come later.

I guarantee you. But you've got to clock in every day. But Joey, my deadline is four years. Listen, go for 20. Go for 20. If you get into something like this, go, it's going to be 20 years before I fucking like a dollar. Yeah, I always get a people go, I'm going to give

it two years. Yeah, you're going to give it two years. And if I ain't famous in two years, I'm never going to. It doesn't work that way, guys. You got to put your heart into this shit. That's all I need to tell you. Lee, next time, get it together. Like I told you, people, in the beginning of the show, all right, it's Valentine's season, and you want that muffler to be fresh just in case

you bump into an important, significant other. This could be your wife, but you don't want to make a bad impression with skid marks in your underwear and your asshole smelling like 10 dead billy goats. That's why you need to go to hello tushy.com. Again, hello tushy. They have a beautiful portable bidet that comes in all colors. It takes 10 minutes to install and it'll change your life. You don't have an idea what life is to you go to the bathroom, take the biggest shit of your life,

and then you just open your legs and let that water go into your muffler. You have no idea. You got to wash that ass, Joey You got to watch that ass That's why you've got to go to hellotushy.com right now If you want to get far in this life You got to keep it clean You got to keep it clean

You heard it from the man that's international Okay, international This guy got crabs in fucking Malaysia Who does that? Do you have that on your fucking resume? Anyway, go to hell of it And you know how I got rid of it? How?

Fucking Biday, what's it called it? Hellotushy.com Go to hello tushy and press in and get 10% off your next portable bidet for Valentine's Day

get your grandmother a gift she's 80 her assholes smells like that let her die with respect and dignity let that little old bat die with respect and dignity get her a portable bidet you install it

and comes in different colors listen just go to hellotissue.com you're going to love me for this that's your Valentine's present for your significant other right and pressing church, I'm giving you 10% off. What are you feeling right now, Lee? What is in your heart right now, Lee?

You're sitting there looking at me like Mongo Jr. Oh, I'm doing, I'm good, man. He has response time. It's so slow. I love it. I thought he was going. I thought he was going to do it. He's going to like the echo chamber right now.

Everything we say is like. I thought that there was the beginning to the next time. No, there's no beginning to no exact. I'm just asking you how you're doing to make sure you feel good. Oh, pressure on my head sometime. Nobody hit you in the head, correct? I just want you to make sure you say it on tape so the cops don't come here and try to sue me 10 years from now

because I hate you in that. The bong did not touch your head. Are you correct? I don't think so. Okay, as long as we all know that. You're going to get through this thing. You did a bong hit, maybe it went the wrong way. What are you feeling?

There's pressure. Where? In my face? In your face. I had you. All right. We're going to call 911. No, no, no, no, no.

I don't think. I don't think so. Listen to me, I got a neck brace in the car. We can make this look good. I could throw you off the balcony. It's hard to tell because I take so many edibles. I don't want to call 911. No, no, no.

You'll be fine. You'll be fine. Let's call 911. But let me throw you off the balcony so we collect. Jesus, no. All I want is a small 10 points. I won't make you land on your head. We'll land you on your shoulders.

If I go to the hospital, it's going to be the end of it. I can't. I'm a month. Why'd you take six edibles, Lee? He didn't take six edibles. I don't know what you talked about. He took, how many do you take? He took two edibles.

He took a few. Let's look at me. Look at me. Do I even look at anything? No, you took six. I saw you eat it. I took nothing. There's nothing wrong. He probably went to that wholesale sushi place again.

He gave that fucking bat blood hummussees he eats. What did you eat for dinner? Jersey Mikes. Again? I had always been in the wrong. How many times you're going to go to Jersey Mikes? A couple times a week. And what did you eat tonight?

Turkey and rice. Turkey and Rosby? Together? Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm fine. That's how Belushi died. Mixing it.

That's how Belushi died. You're right. Mixing it up. You got to do one or the other, bro. You got to pick a country, Jack. It's tight. You don't take the number six with pro baloney. It's like six points with lettuce, tomato, and fucking onions.

You know what that rose beet does? You don't blame it on the animals. You're all pale and shit. Does your lung hurt? I mean, it did for a little bit before this, yeah? When you want to do another bun? Not really. All right, because the bond can't let us know.

At least it's the bond going to engage. Jesus, Christ, Jesus, how are you getting the headache? You didn't eat dinner. That's what it was. I did, too. Don't forget, people. I told you seriously earlier.

Saturday nights already sold out. So all you got is Thursday and Friday in Denver at comedy works. In the following week, I'm in Alabama, and after that, I'm having surgery. So don't play no fucking games, people, all right? I'm having any of surgery. I'll be in and out. No, no, never fear.

Uncle Joey's here. understand me. A little anesthesia. I go in at 9 and I'm home by 12 o'clock. It's fine. And I won't get car sick no more, hopefully. Once they take the tube out, I won't get car sick. So that's the fucking

plan, people. But before that, don't forget, the 55th birthday, Uncle Joey's double nickel birthday show the 17th of the month at the ice house, the small room. Tickets are going to go fast, whatever. They're cheap. It's a Saturday night

workout before I go to Denver. and at least I get to see some church soldiers fucking on my 50th birthday I get to see some action. I can't get fucked up because I got to drive home. But you know me, we're always, when there's a will, there's a way. So I'll see, yeah, anyway.

It'll be 55 years old time once. Wow. I just turned 51 on January 14. I thought I would be lucky if I'd made it to 37. Kichi, you got anything you want to report? You sure? You don't want to say nothing? No special report. Kitchie, Keechee.

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Thank you, Joe. Don't forget to go see him. Love him, respect. Is there at tomroads.com? Tomroads.net. Tomroads.net for future dates. Listen, have a great weekend. I love you guys.

Stay black. See at the Ice House. Hit it, Lee. Boom.