The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #556 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: February 6, 2018

  Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt a story about how he was able to redeem himself, what its like to overthink things, and why you have to let life happen. This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Square Space - Go to squarespace.com and use promo code "church' for 10% off of your first purchase of a website or domain.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 02/05/2018.
  

Greetings. Welcome to PodcastVille. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by Squarespace. Listen to me. You want to turn your cool idea into a new website, maybe showcase your artwork, maybe showcase your art, blog or publish content or sell product and services of all kinds.

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The 5th of February. Here we go. And you were thinking about what you were going to wear. Oh shit. It's a church of what's happened now, motherfuckers. It's a church of what's happened now, motherfuckers. The Christ Killer And your Uncle Joey

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here checking in with you? Making sure you're straight, you got your life together, everything's fucking tip-top. Magoo. Lee Syatt, K-Far, my little fucking nephew of death. How are you doing, my little Christ-killer? I'm doing pretty good.

You look good, you look healthy. Lee's got some news, we'll talk about it later. It was a great weekend. Lee and I went on Thursday night. We had a great time. We giggled. Lee got hammered. Cake quickly, Kissley, and the cheap.

You guys all got to retweeted and jump up and down. You predicted a church wedding and the whole fucking deal. But no. But it was an interesting weekend. I didn't do much. Like I said, I'm only going out two times a month because I couldn't handle the rest of it, guys. And it's got to be like every other week. I can't even do two more, too, back to back,

because there's always something that happens in those two back-to-backs. What do you mean something that happens? Something unexpected. Like the last time I booked that fucking show on Monday morning. I got to leave on Thursday. That's one day I lose. I already lose two days. Right.

Okay. So when I'm not complaining for being busy, thank God, you know, we're here and everybody's healthy and we're working. And we've worked hard towards what's coming in, so I'm not complaining. It's weird. You're in two completely different industries. Stand up, gets booked. in advance and acting gets book a week in advance. Acting gets both two days

in advance. These fucking animals. You know, there used to be a time when they would give you a space with everything. They don't do dick no more. They don't do dick no more. They give out offers. And then whatever's not offered out, they book out in house, or they know you, or they make you come in,

and it always shoots in two days, or it shoots in six months. Those are not that good either. They have to wait six months? Like, I booked Spider-Man too in March. Okay. And they told me July 31st. That seems great. Yeah, that seemed great on paper.

But for four months, you're like, maybe they'll fucking rewrite my character. Maybe they'll find out I smoke pot on Periscope. Maybe they'll do this. Maybe they'll do that. And then they don't do dick. And then you get the role. Like, I shot a month early in July 31st. Okay.

But still, that sucks, too. Well, and it doesn't matter which director did it because it's happened in every movie. But I was reading a story today about someone getting cut out of a movie. And they were just saying it wasn't their performance. It was just it didn't make sense with the story. Have you ever had that? Having, like, cut out or something? When I shot basketball, I had never done a feature film.

I had done. This is all I had done, people. I did a college film for a girl named Kessler. She's still around. She lives in Burbank. And I did nothing. The pilot for CBS. I shot a few.

industrials in Seattle for AT&T. As a guy that just carries boxes in the background or the guy's giving orders. Well, they're teaching their new employees about sexual harassment or something? Yeah, like that type of shit. But I had never acted in front of a camera before. So when I did basketball, it was such a disaster.

Really? Yeah. For me, how bad I felt afterward, I didn't know anything. Like, guys, think of you in your regular day jobs. Yeah, you're a fan of fucking movies. I get it. We're all a fan of film. But here's the two hottest guys at the time. You know, the Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

The fucking, you know, that show was a year in. It was 1998. South Park. Or 1997. Right, yeah, right around that time. These guys were the fucking kings of Hollywood. And here I am with one line in one of their movies. And the budget was huge because they kept me there for three weeks.

So I didn't know what day I was going to shoot. But the night I went out and got hammered. did two-weight balls and drank red wine, that's the morning they called me to shoot my scene first. Now, they have different names for things. Like in your occupation at home, you have different names for things in your jobs. I don't know what those names are,

or different expressions that it means something. So when they would say, step on your mark, I didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. Like, I thought I was in the race. Like, step on your mark. Kids had go. Like, I knew action from watching other movies and shit. And cut.

But they're like, everybody climbed down. There's like three steps before action. I didn't know what the fuck they were. So to make a long story short, when I shot that scene, when I walked out of there after robbing all the roller skates and fucking showing up for the scene, I didn't know where I was. I thought they were going to cut that right off the fucking bat.

I shot that like in April. and like in August I got a call going How do you want your name spelled? And I'm like for what? And then like for the fucking end of the movie, the credits, I go, did I make? Did I make him? They're like, you made it.

And I'm like, get the fuck out of him. I'm like, you made it. And I didn't go to the premiere and I didn't go to the screening. You know me, though. I wasn't going to go watch myself in front of these people. I made a fool in front of myself in front of these people. They must have liked it if they kept it.

Well, they kept it. I don't know if they liked it or not, And after that, I never really, like in the longest shot, I shot a bunch of scenes. But I knew as I was shooting them, that it was just Adam spending money. It was just Adam-filling time. Really? There was probably, like, the two last weeks that I shot in the longest shot, I knew all those scenes were going away. No.

They just kept me there to break my bowls. They were terrible scenes. But they paid you? They paid me. Yeah. Yeah, what do I give a fuck? Yeah, fuck it. That sounds great.

That's weird. Yeah, so you're always in shock. Like, I'm always in shock when I don't make the cut. You know what I'm saying? Are you trying to pass me that? I don't know. I can't tell. Sure, sure, always.

What am I? What am I? What do I have to fucking measles or anything like that? But something happened Thursday night. That was really weird. When I first got to L.A., there was a couple drug dealers at the comedy store. And there was one guy in particular that was just a mess. Hell of a nice guy.

Hell of a nice guy, but he was just hell on wheels. You know, he was, and I was no saint either. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I was a fucking saint. I'm no fucking saint either. I'm wheeling, dealing coke out of there myself and trying to make, you know. So over this time period, this had to be back in 97 at the comedy store. I was a little still streetie. You know what I'm saying?

It was maybe 97, maybe 98. I'm still a little streetie. and Pauley Shaw has friends that work with him. One was Warlock, who was a great, great guy, who now lives in San Diego. He was an accountant in the daytime for the House of Blues, and at night he worked for Pauly Shore at that time. Another gentleman's name was Bobby Lenton. Bobby Lettington was more of Pauley's security and whatnot.

So, remember when I told you guys that I fucked with the club owner in Houston, the Coke dealer, the fucking dude, that used to fucking told me to send him a tape, and I would send him a blank tape. Well, he finally calls me one Monday afternoon, and he goes, hey, man, what's his name is working tomorrow? If you want to, you got the feature spot with him. Polly?

No, Bobby Slate. Okay. So he goes, if you want to, you got the feature spot. It pays $550. But the plane ticket was something, I had to get a next day plane ticket. So it was like $340.40. I didn't have the $340.

So I was telling someone of the historian, Bobby Lenington. It was a weird thing because there was a bill floating around. When this co-dealer left, he owed a bunch of people money, and he gave a list of people that owed him money,

and my name was on that list. Now, between you and I, I owed him money, but not the amount that he's on that list. How was that? You can't do that. So a drug dealer disappeared, but was like, hey, you can go collect from these guys? Yeah.

So I told me. That's bullshit. To go fuck themselves. Yeah. One of those guys was Bobby Lentington. But Bobby Lattington really pulled out $400 out of his pocket. Okay. Now, when I came back from Houston, I went up there that night with the $400,

but when I didn't see him, I bought Coke. Then I didn't see him the next night. Because I didn't see him the next night. I didn't see him the next night. I was living hand-to-mouthed, people. So I finally see Bobby Lentington and I try it. I go up to him, I give him a hug and I go, hey, I'll give you the money on Friday when I get paid from the comedy store. And he gave me an attitude.

For some reason or another, in my cocaine mind, when he gave me that attitude, I went on the aggressive also. And I know what's happened to people are listening right now. And this is when I was still, the word wasn't unstable, but I still didn't get. I still wasn't all together at this time yet. I was really, really deep into the blow in a dark place and cocaine. This was before the movies. This was before Spider-Man and Longass Yard and Taxi. I think I had done like maybe Mad TV and basketball in Bronx County.

So it was really nothing there. My stand-up really sucked. That was just a feature act. And I came back and the way he approached me, I didn't like it. So I waged the personal war against his man, and I wouldn't give him the money. So one night he got a little upset with me at the store when I got offstage, and he came up to me in the hallway, and he goes, I want the money. And now I really got pissed off because he embarrassed me in front of my friends,

so I made this big scene like a fucking asshole that I am. And in reality, it was because Joe was there, and Eddie was there, and Tate was there. I knew that nothing would go down as long as Tate was there. You knew he'd protect you? I knew that he would get into the fight with me. I knew that we were going to go four on four or whatever it was. It was going to be ugly. One thing led to another.

He threatened me so bad that he said he was going to take my check on Friday. And that's when I really got pissed off. So the checks would get there like 1245. I got there 11.15. I saw the guy dropped the checks off and went right into the, manager like give me the check and I took the check and I went down to Redondo Beach at that time I had a pager and Bobby letting them can page me and I kept paging them back go fuck yourself you're not getting that money for fucking giving me attitude and this went on and on and on and Bobby Lenton left okay

and about a year later I got a call one day at my house and it's Bobby and he's not threatening me he says listen do you have five minutes of your time And I go, what? And he goes, my daughter's getting married. And if I ever needed that four hours, I ever need it right now. And I go, you should have thought about that before you were tough. I had hung up the fucking phone on them. I did something, you know, a Joey Diaz piece of shit move.

I'm not going to lie to anybody and tell you I was perfect at that time. I'm not perfect at all. And he went to Rogan and complained, and he went to a couple people behind my back and complained. He even went to Mitzie Shoehl. and Mincey laughed about it and blah, blah, blah, blah, and it went away. And you know what, man? When I got clean from Coke, he haunted me.

That memory haunted me for a long time. Because he wasn't a drug dealer. He wasn't a fucking shithead. You know, there's people that I robbed that, till today, believe it or not, I feel very guilty about it. I did shitty things to people. But there's other people that they were in the line of business that they had to come. still didn't give me the right to rob them but they were in the line of business

that it was either going to be me or somebody else you know what I'm saying so I don't really it was drug involved or something am I proud of these stories no I'm not but I know a lot of people in their lives are going through personal struggles when I tell you that I forgot all about Bobby Littington

but it was one of those cases where once a month I would think of Bobby Lillington and I saw he commented one day on somebody's page and I on a Facebook and I follow him and he lives in Las Vegas so every time I went to Las Vegas

I always thought Bobby would show up one day and go hey man what have happened to that money and I'd apologize and give him the money like the man that I became today you know right he never showed up he never showed up I never thought of him again

would you hit him up or he just you thought he'd hear but I thought about hitting him up at that point I thought he was just telling me to go fuck myself. Do you know what I'm saying? Right. So the other night, Thursday night, you go to the store with me. I asked you if you want to take a ride. You were doing a spot at the fourth wall.

You said you would do the 6 o'clock. And I said, take a ride with me. Don't let me go down there for two hours. I go to worst case and I'll go to Cheebo and get some salad and pasta. They have a nice organic salad. Oh shit. And we went down there. And when I got down there, my spot was at 740. My spot for Sam Tripley's was at 745, and my spot in the original room was at 10.30. So when I got down there, I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do from 8 o'clock to 1030 in Hollywood?

You know? Yeah. And when I got there, I found out the real concern I had was why was my spot at 7 fucking 45. and that day I found out because it was Paulie Shaw's 50th birthday party. Yeah, I had no idea he was it. Me neither. So the honest truth about that was that I was busy that Monday shooting that show. I'm dying up here.

And I forgot to call into the store for spots. And you could call in Tuesday and special privilege, but that's not me. I fucked up. You're supposed to call on Monday. I didn't call, so now I fucked up. So I tried to salvage the week with a couple spots at the fourth wall, which I try new shit, and I salvaged the week with a couple spots in Flappers,

and maybe I stop at the ha-ha. Maybe somebody's having the spots them at the ice. I said, I don't have date night this week. So what I did was I saw Sam Trippley was having comedy chaos. Now, Sam pays well with those shows. But I call them like a man, I go, Sam, I need a big favor. Can I do your count? comedy chaos, I'm not looking for any money. I'm really not. Sam, keep the money. But he called

me back two days later and he goes, even if you don't take the money, he goes, you have to take the money because I have two cancellations. So I was going to pay them anyway. Take what I was going to pay them. You're the headliner of the show. So I didn't really think about the money. I never even thought about the money. You know, Sam's my brother. I was just happy to get a spot. Right. I just wanted to hit my number of goals for the week. My goal, if I don't go on the road, I want to do five spots. And you needed it for your two-year-go- ticket five.

So I did one with you, two at flappers, two with you, and two at the store. And my goal, I'm pretty good. I tried a few jokes. I maintained the other ones, and I'm good. Right. Are you okay? Yeah. Oh, I thought you were upset about something.

No. And then, so when we did the, for some reason, oh, you and I went to the back. Okay. With Kate Quigley and my friend Lenny Citrano, who came from that movie we did when we were really young when I first moved here. We did like a college film together. Like, I don't even count that. We did like one of those USC movies. Yeah, student films, yeah.

And that's how I met Lenny. And he was there after 20 years. That guy that was in the back with us, their talent. looking guy with the girl and then there was Kate Quigley and her friend and the piano player from the comedy store that dude and I did a movie when I first got here

I got coaxed into a college film and we had to shoot it right behind the comedy store and one of those houses they were porn houses they were owned by a porn company and they shoot in different rooms. This particular house had like an elevator in the living room and the whole fucking deal.

So when we walked back in you didn't see it. I I did the main room. Gino was there from Speedweed. A shout out to Gino. He gave me my CBD stuff. He gave us a box, some of these joints. He gave me weed. It was great. Cookies. So I'm walking with this box.

And then Sam Trippily comes up to me and goes, Joey, take this. And you were there. Were you not standing right there? Right when you walked in? I go, really? And I folded it and put in my back pocket. So now I go to the back with you. and I'm sitting back then. We're having a great time. We decided to wait and just eat at Pauley's party.

Right. That was the plan. They came back there. Richie, the manager goes, listen, don't go eat. Just sit here. There's going to be sandwiches in the back and shit. So you and I and Tate and a bunch of other people went back there and got a sandwich.

When we come back, did you see what happened? No, I didn't get to see it. I bumped into a little guy. And he looked at me weird. and I just grabbed them and hugged them. And I apologized. I told him I was very, it was Bobby Lennington. I didn't see this.

We walked past each other and I just grabbed them and I hugged them and I said, Bobby, I'm very sorry for what I did. Cocaine's a fucked up drug. I'm very sorry for what I did. If you're giving you a number, I will pay you the money I owe you. And he looked at me like, yeah, sure. And I remembered, I have like 60 bucks cash in my pocket. which I never have cash.

You always got to go to the ATM machine. Everybody pays you with a check. But triply paid me. I didn't know what the amount was. So when I went in my pocket, I took the envelope out and I opened and there was 300 on all the bills. And I just gave it to the guy. And I go, here's 300, call me tomorrow.

He looked at me. He gave me another hug. He had tears in his eyes. I had tears in my eyes. I had dreamed of that happening. Like, I felt so bad about what I had done. It was just $400, but it didn't, it was from a guy that worked hard for those $400 and went out of his way to help me.

And then when he called me for his daughter's wedding, my fucking cocaine attitude still kicked in, and I still acted like a fucking pussy that I was at the time because of the drugs. So I felt so guilty, so I exchanged numbers and I gave him a hug. he texted me that night like he called me that night he didn't text me he called me that night like at one in the morning and he left me a message

saying that that was the best part of the night for him that he saw the billboard and he always knew it and that's what really killed him that I had done something so stupid to our friendship right so I called him the next morning I uh we've talked for like 30 minutes I got it off my chest

and I told him to text me his address and I had my wife put a check in the mail for him today and I paid my debt and I feel so much better but what killed me was that when I got home to and I got so caught up in the apology and how I was so happy to apologize I was never so happy to apologize to someone in my fucking life it took so much weight off my show

shoulders. And I thought about the people that I still owe apologies to and I still got to give money to or whatever, a hug or whatever, you know, like you think of all those people. I think of people that I should reach out and say, I'm sorry. Not give them dick.

They were in the drug game. They did the business. You know, the 80s were fucking crazy. But they deserve like a handshake. An acknowledgement for what had happened. And I got to tell you, man, I felt really good about that this week. I can't tell you why.

That's really awesome, yeah. I don't know why. And I wanted to talk about it on the podcast. Because it's like it took, I want people to understand that for your life to change, it takes patience. And sometimes, man, it takes three years. It took me 20 fucking years to change my life. And that was with a monkey on my back. It was like, it's like that, I was like that fucking, I was like that fucking running back that does 10 yards, fumbles the ball, he recovers it, but he loses two yards on the... I just kept doing that for a lot of years. And then it got better and better and better, and then I stopped fumbling the ball.

And then I met a good woman, and then eventually it all fell into place. You know what I'm saying? I mean, it was just one of those things. So I never want people to understand that you ever get to a place where you're very happy. Now you start thinking about the things you did at one point and the people you have to make good to and the people that you owe your friendship to. That's really important to me.

I'm getting to that age, but I don't want no beefs with these people or something ever happens to me. I want them to know that I really appreciate them at that time in my life, you know. It's really important to me. It's, uh, we had a conversation, we have various conversations this weekend

because, uh, you and Paul kind of had a little misunderstanding, not really a misunderstanding, whatever happened between you, and you were very upset on Saturday. You know, you're a sweetheart of a guy, you know. I had seen your behavior the last three months, I know you have been seeing a therapist, you have been sorting your things out. I'm very proud of you for the move you made, whether it's the right move or the wrong move. Nobody never knows.

We have a lot of people you're raised. people you're raised that listen to the show. And it's so weird. You said something to me that didn't make me tear up, but it made me feel for you. You said, it's five years, Joey. It's five years. I'm with her, you know, and just like that.

And it's so weird, how you go, you know, I did five years with her, and someday you'll be my age now, and you'll go, you know what, I had three of them of five years. It took me three or five years. your relationship to find the one, the one I wanted, the way she came and how she appeared. You know, it's so weird, have the relationship.

You feel so fucking empty and so doubtful for a few days. But if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. That's number one and number two. It's so quick how you snap out of things in life, you know. It feels, the house felt different this morning, didn't. Uh, yeah, it kind of sucked last night. I don't think, like, it's weird. Like, uh, I've heard from my whole life that people, uh, change in relationships.

Like, they just, and not, not necessarily that they change, but, uh, what, what you're, what you're, what you're looking for changes or what you need changes. And, uh, I've been talking to my therapist, and it's, she thinks, and I think part of it's true is that I'm, I'm kind of freaking out a little bit about turning 30. What is the freaker? It's just, that's a real number, dude. What the fuck is the freak? I don't know.

I don't know. That's a real fucking number. But it's... We all have our different, I mean, we all have our different things. Like with me, it was going to college and then realizing this is it. Like, that was the one that really fucking shocked me. Like, they didn't shock me. It opened my eyes.

I'm sorry. It opened my eyes because you go to the schooling. You go to the school, you got accustomed to this thing, and all of a sudden one day the party's over. There's no more. Life is real. Life is real. There's rent.

There's this, there's that. Mom's not going to bring you meatballs anymore. That's what freaked me out. Not that I had my mom bringing me meatballs. Right. And I think that's exactly. The authority has been bothering you for fucking eight months.

Forget it out of my fuck. Get it out of the way. What is it? I don't know. It's just like you're a real adult. Like I know maybe in my head I thought I would be doing more. I would have done more by the time I was 30. But I think what you're saying is exactly what happened.

For the most part, a really high percentage, Paul and I were great and are great. But, and we could have, I think, kept dating for a while and who knows what will happen. But I didn't, if it's heading towards marriage, like, if that's the ultimate goal, that you have to have some things figured out and cleared up in your head. and I just didn't I felt like I didn't and I couldn't it was hard for me to

to be able to figure it out if I was going to be able to commit what I need to commit to a relationship so like I can't I can't not work on this stuff I can't I don't want to end up no disrespect but I

I've already worked in a movie theater or CVS and I would see people who were 30 40 work in there it's just a job that's not what I want to do with my life and so I kind of want to figure out I need to work on myself a lot of things I need to lose 100 pounds I need to do a lot of things with my life

and I just I think it's good hearing all these people die recently and all that I don't want to I think you said something like tomorrow's not promised or whatever it is I just had to make a decision

When do you find time To think of all this anti-fucking communist propaganda Oh dude dude I need so many pills My brain never stops My brain never stops Not even once Do you think my brain stops

I don't know No No it never stops It never stops It's either guilt It's either what I did What I want to do What I didn't do

How I should have done it different and how we're going to do it different this time. You know, my mind doesn't stop. You're talking sometimes, and I'm in 1962. I'm embarrassed to tell you. I've got to come back and ask you again. Right. I had a big problem until 1980 fucking four.

And a guy that looked like me, not look like me in stature, but my white hair was the one that asked me the same question. I'm going to ask you, and this is the last time I'm going to ask you and tell you young people. at home, especially men, women, 24. Knock it off with the fucking thinking.

Knock it off with the fucking thinking. It drives you to drink, to do drugs, to make poor choice, to double think all your moves, to double think everything you didn't do. There's a time in your life when you have to have life, let it evolve, i.e. relationships, i.e. a job. I.e. a career. The biggest one is love. That's the biggest one that we meet somebody. We go to dinner three times. They're cute. She's cute. The friend. Your fucker. Everything's okay. She lives close by. You like the dog. She likes your roommate. What is wrong with just hanging out? The problem is.

is. We never state the truth in the beginning of our intentions. That's very true. And some women want to know right now today and you have to straighten them out too on this. I'm not straightening anybody out. I'm just explaining it. You have to explain to them. This is life. It's 2018. I want your control, your control of this life is the paper and the pen. for the 80th time, what you want and how you're going to get there is your whole plan. Everything else. Like, I was writing today, and I'm writing about, when I got arrested, guys, I had nobody to turn to. I would love to tell you the city of that Mr. Popular had nobody to turn to.

It was a high bail. They wanted a full amount. And the person who came to my aid was somebody. who did not like me at all. It was the girl I was dating's father. Him and I didn't see eye to eye. Why? Want me to tell you why?

I was a fucking car retailer who had just become a car sales and dating his daughter who he enrolled in Arizona State to be in the business management program. It took care of her two years of extra fucking high school curriculum and shit and she dropped out to date a dude like me. cutting hair. Okay, she didn't

want that fucking, he didn't want that poor little sweet girl around a fucking animal like me. Right. But he bailed me out of fucking prison. He bailed me out of county jail. By him showing up, they dropped the bill $47,000 and the next thing you know I was out of fucking county jail.

Wow, that's amazing. I don't know what the moral of the fucking story was. The moral story was life happens. But you have to let it happen. You can't sit there all day. You came to me one day as a man and you were thinking about a relative. You had a disagreement with how they rig. These things should not be in your mind. We're thinking about things and how I know

is because I told you. November of 83, I went to a doctor because of the blood coming out of my anus. You know how you keep faking that blood out of your lung? I'm not faking nothing. The blood came out of you along one time. I witnessed something that was not. didn't look good now, you're okay. I blood out of my lung for a couple weeks until you keep smoking and finally your lung says I ain't gonna bleed no more. I'll just give them a toothache of some shit. But what are we talking about?

About letting life happen? Yeah, that life happened. So I started bleeding out of my asshole. Every time I took a shit at the end of this shit, I'm telling you people this so you know. You know why people? Because I would go to bed at 10 30, then I wake up at 3 in the morning.

and sit there and think. And I remember living in Colorado in November with the window open at night, it's 10 degrees, and I'm sitting in a room sweating from the internal fucking thought process of my future, what was going to happen, how was I going to make a living, how was I going to pay 300 dollars worth of rent, how was I going to do this? It was just a constant. What am I going to do with my life? It was just a constant.

And it didn't stop. And even the marijuana wasn't stopping it. The marijuana was inspiring. You know the only problem I didn't have? What? The pencil and paper. What do you mean? I didn't have a pencil and paper.

I knew nothing about writing my thoughts down on a piece of paper and pencil as an outlet. I was hitting the bag. I had friends. I was doing cocaine. I had money coming in. Everything was fine. But if there wasn't a disaster going on in my fucking head, I wasn't happily

I wasn't happy if there wasn't a disaster going on in my head I've been there yeah okay and I go and I would take a shit three times a day like a normal human being and at the end of the shit that last it would be little droplets of blood you were taking three shit today

yeah whatever on the normal I like grapes I don't fucking know whatever the fuck you eat and one day I went to this doctor and the doctor sat me down he took my blood pressure He weighed me. He took blood. I didn't faint.

I never forget this. He was very sweet, so everything I told him I'd faint. He made me look the other way. And I came back and he goes, I was perfectly healthy. And he goes, and here's the beauty about it. You lift weights, right? I go, yeah. And he goes, you hit the bag, right?

You said, I go, yeah. And he goes, you don't have a call. And I go, yeah, he goes, what are you stressing by? You should have no stress with all the energy that you release. And he goes, how's your sleep bat? And I told him. Oh, yeah. Every night I go to bed at 11, and at 3 o'clock I'm up fucking tip-top,

Magoo, like on meth, till 5.15, then I fall asleep till 7, then I get up and I go to work. It was the sleep at me. I weighed 185 fucking bounds. I have that happen sometimes. I hit the bag. Because you stay up. I didn't have the pencil and paper.

So what I would do is I would smoke pot and put music on and intensify my thoughts. with the marijuana and the music. And all day I would walk around with this pain in my chest and this knot in my stomach, you know, about my life and what direction was I going to take? You know what, bro? I was 20 fucking years old. Who gave a fuck?

I was a junk. I wasn't a junkie at that time. I was doing cocaine and I was on my way to becoming a junkie. But who gave a fuck? You have a job. You have this notebook. You have this piece of paper.

you write down what's bothering you and then you look at it and read it and it'll clear your mind but these things that you worry about today you called me and said to me hey should I take this gig with Tripoli on the 12th because we it's a Thursday night

when the fuck do we do a show on a fucking Wednesday I think in six years we've done one Thursday fucking show you know you replied to me all the time No, we don't. But in your drive, it went into your head. You know, you've got to talk to this psychiatrist about getting out of your head

and living life a little bit. Let the pieces fall where they may. I don't know. I'm not a psychic. I'm going to need a lot of work, but I might have to go twice a week for that. Because my whole life, I don't know how to do it. You have a notebook. And I want you to wake up in the morning, and I want you to drink a little bit of fucking coffee

or drink some water. And if it means going to, you have a balcony, you said, right? Yeah, it's my balcony. Okay, get a little, this week on Saturday from my gear, go get a little tiny table with two chairs. And I want you to put a hood and sweatshirt on in the morning. You know what, Lee, to make you happy, take your Diet Coke. Oh, shit.

It's whatever makes you happy. I want you to go out there, and I want you to put a clock on and sit for one hour. And I want you to write your day. So when I wake up in the morning, it says Thursday, tomorrow. When I wake up, it's going to say Wednesday, February 6th. No, tomorrow's Tuesday, correct? Yes, sir. It's going to say Tuesday, February 6th.

The first line is, it's a beautiful day to be alive. I'm going to drop mercy off. Then I'm going to go to a dentist. Then I'm going to go do something else. I'm going to see if my friend has time to give me a personal fucking spot before I got to go to Hollywood and maybe do this fucking 45-minute jujitsu with me, just roll with me a little bit at his gym, because I don't have time to go to Alberto's,

and the whole thing, and then maybe when, and then then I'm gonna fucking go down to Hollywood. I got another meeting down there at three, and then I got to shoot up to fucking Hollywood. I got to shoot back to North Hollywood to go to swim class. I can't wait to see Mercy swim. I always have a good time when we swim. So you read all this out?

Yeah, and then hopefully I'll go do two spots tonight, one at the fourth wall and one at Flappers. You know, I've been having pretty good spots lately, but I'm still missing some of my job. jokes. You know, it's time for me to start writing again every fucking day. I got to stop fucking around with this fucking book and start writing fucking comedy. But besides that, I really enjoy being a husband. I enjoy being a dad. I love mercy with all my heart. I don't know what I'm going to do with a, I would hate for something for me to happen. I write down what I'm

going to do all day, and then I get the gibberish out of my mind. That stupid gibberish. We all have that one dumb gibberish that even wakes you up in the middle of the night. Something as simple as I didn't like Joey giving me that butt with the fucking pee on it today. I can't believe Joey did that with the pee on today, but he's such a fucking scumbagmack. But you know what? At the end of the day, I love that cuck sucker. So what? I've had pee in my mouth once before.

No, I haven't. Yes, you have. So this is what I write. I force myself to write a page, but I really try to get two pages, and it takes 20 to 25 minutes. So you have to allow yourself that. I don't want you to write the hour then.

Things have to happen in the morning. So this is something that's happening while Twitter is on, Facebook, Outlook, YouTube. Like, I'm writing this as I'm listening to music. I'm dumping my thoughts. Now, there was book, a book year, six years ago called the warrior skills or something like that. Warriors Way?

Warriors Way and it came in different chapters. And their explanation was to get up in the morning and to write what you wake up with in your mind on a sheet of paper. Between you and I as men, I was doing that like four years before that. Before I read that book, I started doing that for stand-up. And for stand-up, it was completely different. I didn't have a wife. I didn't have a kid.

So it would start with Thursday, Tuesday. February 6th. Today, I'm going to fucking get up. I'd still start with it. It's a beautiful day to be alive. I love living in my one-bedroom, little fucking shit-hole. At least I'm not fucking homeless.

I'm going to go get a bagel and see if I could borrow $10 from the bartender, so I'd go get a fucking nice lunch. And then tonight, when I get paid, tonight I have three spots. The first spot is at a shithole. The second spot is at a place I have to do well at and the third spots for all the fucking marbles.

Hopefully I'll be able to cover the six minutes, and hopefully that new joke will work. This is a little rough right now, what I'm going through right now, but I know that someday this will pay off. I never wanted to be Richard Pryor. I just wanted to have an identity in the comedy world, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Do you have all these? I have a lot of them. I'm really sorry about what happened with my ex-wife and me, and I really miss my daughter, and I really wish I wouldn't have hit John that day. But that's the way life goes. I got to go away from this broad I'm living with right now. Me and her just do not see eye to eye, and she's a dirty fucking whore.

I want you to write whatever is on your mind that's even triggering. And after you write it, you reread it. Right. And now it takes away some of the, it really does. That little exercise from me every morning. And some of them I read, and they're good, and some of them are just garbage, but it doesn't matter. I got the garbage out of my head for the day. That dumb garbage I got in my head all day, I'd go to bed sometimes so angry about like a career move,

but I'll get up at 3 and email everybody. When they get up at 7, they go, I sent that email at 3.38 a.m. They're like, holy shit. I better get to the office early today. Yeah, like that's what I do. I use writing very therapeutically because I know if not that energy will stay in my head

and it'll just go round and round and round and round until it'll drive me fucking crazy. I mean, I'll try it because I mean that's how what you said is exactly what happens to me. Yeah, no, no, no. This is the easy way out before thinking is the worst thing you could do, and you look at me and people are listening

on the other side and go enjoy it. That is the dumbest. fucking statement you'll ever have. But at the same time, I want you to be honest with me, have you ever scared yourself by yourself with your thoughts? What do you mean scare? Like scared yourself about your future that.

You have to change the thought of what you're thinking by yourself. No horror movie. No bill in the mail. No mom's phone call. Have you ever had a point where you've driven yourself to fucking nervousness? Oh, fuck. Daily. Fuck.

Fuck. So I used to do that constantly. Now, if you want me to tell you I don't do it anymore, I do it probably once or twice a week. But it used to be 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Right. And so, I mean, to break it down, it sounds like a diary. Not in a bad way, but it just sounds like a diary.

Yeah, but not dear diary. I love my life. No, no, no, no. I write this early morning. Yeah. And there's sometimes. that I go back at night. Sometimes I do go back at night and write one more paragraph about how the day turned out and what I learned that day.

And that's also a different part of that exercise with Tony Bennett. To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart, some somebody twice as smart. As I'm a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. I'll leave you to learn that misery loves company. Wait and see. No, I really, really, really, and this is nothing. I read, this was something I just, when I would wake up in the mornings in Boulder in that little rocky apartment, I started doing it there.

And what I usually do is get a three-section notebook. So the first two sections were my morning, whatever, and I would start backwards, Chinese style. What do you mean? So I would start from, I don't want nobody to see it, so you never start on the first page. So I would start on the last page in the second page. chapter. Chinese style. Yeah, and then the last chapter would be my spots. For that period. For that period. So, where's the pet? She'll be right in front of you. I don't see. Maybe it's under the paper. It's under the paper. The other way. The other way.

Okay, so this is what I do. I do this for jihitsu. I do this for my workout log. I do everything because I want to know. So this week, I would put, what is it, 2.5 to 2 fucking 12, okay? Which is probably my next Monday to 12th. So I'd say tonight I had two spots. I had a spot at Joe's Oyster Bar and fucking the Comedy Underground. Okay?

So Joe's would be, again, February 5th, Monday, George Osterball, and I would put the list of jokes that I did, what I tried, and what the result was. So just like the same bullet point for your set list, you're like, sushi, good. Yeah, so I would have a set list that I was going to take up on stage, but because I'm a moron, I would forget it. So I would just write down the jokes that I did do, and then I would write an honest review of what I did. as raw honest as I could be. Like, I'm talking about, like, if you keep doing this, you might as well jump off a fucking bridge.

Like, I would improv, like, in those days, I would do three minutes of material and improvise. Right. And I was trying to get out of that habit. I'm a fucking addict. When I was a kid, I had a bat. I was a great rebounder. But my downfall was, instead of going back up with the ball,

I would bring the ball down and bounce it. That's a big no-none. No. Once you grab the ball, keep it high and keep it up and just lay it right back up. I was grabbing the ball bouncing going up. It took me a year to break that fucking habit. So would you be like, okay, this, tonight I did this joke and I tried this differently? Or would it just be the joke and how it went? The joke how it went.

And then the second thing I would go, I did that joke, but this time I did try it differently. And it worked like a charm. I'll be out again tomorrow. And then I would put Tuesday, February 7th, 6th. Now, on Tuesday, February 6th, I got three spots. I got the coffee shop at 645. I got Helen Marys at 8 o'clock. And I'm going to do the midnight dishwasher show at Flappers, okay?

This one would be completely different. I mean, this one would be like great set, but a fucking monkey could do that place. You know what I'm saying? I'd be honest with myself. And then the second one would be, I did good. I got to work on that closer. And I have to work on my performance.

Next to it would say, stop the cocaine. What do you mean? Because the cocaine blocks the love from your brain to your heart to the stage. You just become a machine. When you do drugs, you'll notice that when you do like those heavy drugs, that passion gets cut out. You don't do drugs. You'll never have this to worry about.

Marijuana gives you a different effect on stage. Okay. Yeah, I haven't tried it high yet. No, and that's good. Respect that. Don't go up there high. You'll know. We'll get you with that.

That's a different torture chamber. I was telling Lee about Joey's different torture chambers for open micers. Oh, yeah. You know, telling them he's doing three minutes and then he's doing 24. For people who have never done stand-up, to do that extra 21 minutes, I can't even... The most I've ever done is 10 minutes in one second, so I can't imagine doing 24. So let's pretend I would bomb at the 8 o'clock show and the midnight show. I would write the dirtiest shit about myself underneath that.

Like if I'm going to continue this, this has to be perked up. Okay, done. From now on I'm writing from 1 to 2 every day. And then Wednesday, and if it was like three or four days of bombing, oh, then I would write, time to take time off, come back with a clear head, and for two days I would do drugs or go to movies but I used the book a lot the notebook really stopped my mind down

if you wake up in the middle of night because your mind is flowing please take out notebook okay and just listen you're not having way you're not no of those people I want you to write down what's troubling you and why it's troubling you and then sit it down and then read it and when you read it, the power gets twisted on that paper. You reading something and you're experiencing something mentally is two different fucking

things. You both experience it mentally, but they affect you differently. Yeah, I mean, I think it's the same or a similar thing that I get from therapy. Just saying it out loud, sometimes she'll say, she'll ask me a question about something, like to clarify something. As I'm telling her, I'm like, oh, I don't really care about this at all. Like, when I say it out loud, it's unsubstantiated. stupid. Has the therapy helped you? Yeah. Oh yeah. I love it. I, uh, even just to have someone bounce, to bounce stuff off of is not, is very nice and it's, uh, without like any sort of judgment. And not that you, like,

I have, I have some very good people in my life. But I, that, that's part of what my brain does is that I, I, like, oh, I can't bother these people with these things. They don't want to hear these things. So it's, uh, it's been great. Yeah. I, I, and my mom bust my, bust my balls a lot, because she, she wanted me to do it when I was a lot younger. But, um, yeah, I'm really enjoying it. And, but, and I, I hope you got, and that's kind of comforting for the 30 thing. Because I'm sure it's not going to be that big of a deal. I'm sure there's a lot of people listening who are 35, 40, 50, and they're like, you're an idiot. But, uh, I don't know, like, This is like, this is bigger than 21.

This is bigger than 25. This is, I don't know. In life, everybody has hangups, Lee. Right. I have a lot of them. I have a lot of them, too. We all have, we all have different hangups. And the fucking funny thing is when we overcome them.

You know, in your mind, you expect, what the fuck do you expect at 30? When you wake up, it's July, what, 12 or something? What do you mean? My birthday? 20th. July 20th, when you wake up that morning, when I call you up and say, wake up, cock sucker, we're going to take it deep. And I'm like, are you awake? And you're like, yeah, I don't know.

I don't know. Wake up your fuck. The sun's shining. Oh, yeah, by the way, it's your birthday. What do you think is going to feel? What do you think is going to happen when you go into the age void of 30? I don't know. What do you expect?

I mean, let's write it out. Let's get it out. What the fuck do you? you expect this is going to happen? What's going to be different, my brother? About being 30? Yes. What's going to be different?

Honestly, the one thing that's really going to change, like, the health thing is scaring me. I know I eat a lot of shitty food, but like the health of the 30, like, there's people who've got it at 29 of heart attacks, and so that's, that's scary me. The rest of it is not more about, like, what is going to happen. It's like just It's like what I was saying earlier Just what I

expected for myself And I just get I get negative about like you said About what I should have done earlier What I'll be doing later And then With especially like the birthday Like that was

With what happened this weekend When Paula was tough Just because I'm like I don't It's gonna be The five years that we spent together We're like five big years In my life so it's just weird

I'm very sorry I'm happy you got it out of again you know you're getting a little relationship what do you expect is going to happen you learn a lot about yourself life is a great fucking thing

life is fucking great and the best thing about life is that you get to learn by yourself every fucking day and some of the shit you can put out there and some of the shit you keep to yourself You know, like I said, I was married.

I just wasted that poor girl's time. And then I moved out here with the drug counselor. That poor girl, I just straight up lied to. Then I had my buddy's ex-wife when that was just a drug relationship. And then I met the stripper. And I value that relationship. I learned a lot from her. Plus, she gave me the final push to move to Los Angeles.

Angeles. So regardless of whatever happened between her, us, I'll never forget that. I'll cherish that. That's why I was still friends and we still communicate because even though the relationship was rocky, I never forgot her giving me my push to come to LA. Right. And then that's, and that's, I think, why I made the decision because I think Paul and I could have been happy for a while, but all this stuff that's been going through my head, I need to, I can't let this go on like this. And I've been, I've had the same thought processes for 29 years. I've been, I don't, I'm, I'm sure I've changed a little bit, but to my core, the part of what I like and dislike has been the same. And my, my, like, gut reactions to things are the same as when I was sick,

like six years old. And not that I can completely change or I would want to, but I need to, something is obviously not working in certain aspects of my life. And I'm trying to change it up. Who knows? It's like you said, you don't know what's going to happen, but try something. I mean, listen, people probably confused. The thought process of what you want to do and all that,

that it's when you, there's a line of thinking that you go into. that you, it's like you were watching something and you're like, what am I watching this? What do I give a fuck about this? This is what starts to happen in your life pretty soon. You get these certain freedoms. You ever see the movie Office Space? Oh yeah, of course.

When the guy kept calling him on Saturday, and he decided he wasn't going to go to work. He really did a great job of showing you the mental freedom he had. He got up and the guy came over and said, what are you doing? He was like, I'm going to fishing. It was all about a switch that went off in his head. Right. And he was happier.

I mean, a spoiler, it's fucking however many years later. Yeah, but he was happier working construction. And like that's, I think that part of my figure out about 30, I need to look at, like, you don't know, not always everything goes to plan. Obviously, I'm doing this. But maybe I don't, maybe money isn't the most important thing, which is weird for me. Like, because that's really been my main focus. Listen, everybody wants to make money. Everybody wants to have a yacht lead.

Everybody wants to have bitches and hoes. We're driven to that, okay? I was no different. My payoff was going to be, A, by robbing somebody, or B, by making a big drug deal. I had the capacity to do neither. I failed at both of those fucking things. Okay?

So, you know, everybody has a lottery ticket type of dream. We all do. You know, you go to college, you've got a degree at something, you've got a good job, you get promoted, you get a great salary. That's great. But we all want fucking wealth. That's what everybody wants. That's what we think. That's what we're programmed to think that everything's going to be fine and fucking dandy.

Exactly. I would love to see the cameras off in the Kardashian house. Do you know what I mean? I love it becomes different type of problem. but money doesn't take away problems. Money doesn't save lives. Money doesn't do a lot of things that people think. People live all these years to get money.

You see them. They become producers and they get creepy and they tell their wives they're going to live in Monaco and all this shit. And it's, I don't know. Like, for me, when there I realized, I felt in love with comedy so hard. that I was living in a room with a cot, some clothes.

And I got to tell you something, Lee, I was the happiest I ever was in Seattle in that time. The only thorn in my side and blessing in my side was Carol. The stripper. The stripper. She was a thorn in my side, but at the same time she was an angel in my corner. Right. And for the result, look, I'm here.

I'm here doing a podcast of you 20 years later. Her and I are still friends. Everything in my life at that time in 1996, I was so happy in that office that I had gotten a place to live for $125 a month. Jesus. $125 a month? No shower. You don't need it at $125 a month?

No, I joined the Y for $25 bucks or whatever the gym was. And that's what I did. I worked out. I wrote jokes and I got on stage at night and I barely made it every fucking single day I knew that all I had to do was get to the comedy club and I was going to get dinner

Lionel got on at 6 that means I could show up there at 615 and Lionel would make me a BLT and give me all his mistakes and make me a stake and give me something to go do you know what I'm saying? Like I figured out a way to survive in Seattle. Right. I had a little telemarketing job a couple days a week,

getting donations for cops. They paid me $12 an hour. If I took $200 from them a week, I was lucky. And then on Thursdays I would do a Pat Wilson gig, and on Fridays I would get another gig for $150. My total income at the time was $1,100 a month. And Lee, no car. No car?

No car? No car. no prospects Carol was my girlfriend but she wasn't my ally Okay there's a big difference Terry Clark my wife today Is my ally

Right It took me and I can't lie to you My first wife Kathy Was an ally She changed during the relationship People do change during relationships You know people do change during relationships And sometimes you see that person

For what they are see weddings and marriages and shit and engagements make you see what you want to see right and once the honeymoon phase is over as they call it that's when the problems begin I don't know about you but I have like a specific one friend in mind

in mind I met him when I first moved here he was probably like 45 he never like his ex-wife what the fuck was that someone's angry in another office, I guess. He never says, his ex-wife wouldn't let him see his kids. They lived in Newport Beach, but they were still going after him for child support.

She was wealthy from her family. He was working night and day, but like double shift to pay this stuff off. And he ended up passing away this year in an accident. In a motorcycle accident. Yeah. And that made me think, because he was having. happy when he got married. Like, you're happy. And I know you can't think that way because not every relationship is going to end that way. But I don't, I don't want to, I would never want to end up

like that. I would never want to have my, had to not be able to see my kids or, and, and because you just married the wrong person. That's a big thing. Like, you just married the wrong person. That's fucking, that's a big, that's scary. You want to make sure you're sure. I married the wrong person and she married the wrong person. We both made a mistake. And I had the child in 1990, which made me 27 years old. And at that time, I could not take care of myself. I'd love to tell you people at home that I could take care.

I knew how to take care of myself on the street. I knew how to finagle people. But I was not consistent. I was not a consistent human being. I could not have your money on the fur. because cocaine came first. When I had the child, like I said, I did everything I could.

I worked, I paid rent, I did what I could. But my heart wasn't in it. This was not what I expected of the life. This is it. This is it. I got a fucking slave all week on a roof to come home. You know, this was not it. This was not the life I was seeing people holding hands

running through a fucking park. I'm working six days a week I'm working six days a week she's working four days a week we're barely fucking making it and the one day off a week you don't get to do what you want to do no I'm with them and talking about

whatever shit they want to do I became very unhappy to me I wanted the American picture I was in jail my parents died when I was at a young age here I was I had the opportunity and now that I was right there in the game I did not fucking want it

I did not want it I loved that little girl with all my heart but I did not want this it was terribly and guess what she didn't want it either and this is why

I pay for this dearly every day but it's so weird like I said to you last night after we did the spot at the fourth wall that Lee you keep meeting with ladies

you're listening to this too You know, when you're 18, 19, 20, you have the disposition of this man you're going to meet. Well, guess by the time you're 32, your fucking morals or you whatever. Standards. Your standards drop a lot. They drop a lot. Because you start looking and it's the same with money. You know?

You just want to be happy. You just some, but it's nice that I could, what if I fucking could fly you to Monaco to eat your pussy? that's great but if I didn't make you laugh and my bad breath and my feet stunk it wouldn't be a good experience for you would it

but what if I just took you to the parking ate your pussy and made you laugh and held you the right way money can't people were sold for 20 years that's it

I thought a little bit of money was gonna change my life I'd have friends and you don't want that money I have no use for money anymore at all at all I don't have the same desire as I had

I'm happy going to Jiu-Too and fucking we go to fucking Papadose and I don't need what did you want what did you think was going to happen I don't know

I was going to be in W and get an assistant Oh you yeah tell people to go to Starbucks and get me coffee with a sly latte and a little bit of foam foam on the side

I was going to give orders that would you people want it out of me that was never going to happen in my life no matter what you give me that's never going to happen in my life I don't want that I never wanted that

a fucking assistant who's that really a fucking assistant as an actor or a comic I don't like nothing of that shit you know so what do you want me to change so money's not going to do nothing yeah a couple years ago you're thinking about getting a Cadillac

and you didn't get it no I want everybody to have money but I want you I want you to go for money to be comfortable. I don't want you to reach for this test of rosa money so you can buy a house for $8 million. If it happens,

I fucking love it. But when I was doing that, I was getting nowhere because everything seemed minute to me. And I wasn't going to do the work anyway. See, we all want to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Nobody wants to die.

We all just want a fucking testeroza and six chicks, with us all the time and for us to be the life of the fucking party but that costs money. It's $12 a fucking cocktail, isn't it? It's $25 to park. It's $100 just to walk in there. You have to see what your standards are.

We're talking about my other buddy that I grew up with. He's my brother. I love him with all my heart. But every chick he meets comes off a relationship with a guy owned like a baseball team. So he can't take it a McDonald's. He's got to be somebody else. Two years in, the relationship breaks up

because they realize that's not who he is. if we tell our significant other in the beat, like by the time I got to Terry, I knew the rules already. I was 40, I was 37, she was 30. I knew already. As much as, and I'll bring, Terry hasn't been on the podcast in two years,

and we'll discuss it. She felt I was pushing her away at parts of our relationship. I wasn't pushing her away. I was just setting boundaries for the future. because all my life we all do as men the first six months

we tell you whatever the fuck we want to hear as long as we get in your pants and then one day we got to pay for that fucking check and we got to pay that tab and now they fall apart because we love everything

I want to save white monkeys in Africa so do I you know we don't want to do nothing we just want to dick something what happened to the monkeys yeah who goes the fuck about the monkeys let me get some shout out to you so I

I don't know what you're feeling right now, Lee. I just know that everything does happen for a reason. I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you. She's a great girl. I'm sorry you came to this. You did not waste five years of your life. You went to life college. You just went to college.

You went to love college. Absolutely. And then I didn't want to waste any more of her time. And who knows what will happen? I'm not saying it's completely over. But you guys get along and your goombas and your friends. but you're 29 late. You can't be in the house five nights a week.

And then when you do go out, it's a fucking nightmare anyway. You know, how many times do I call you and say call Johnny Rock? Call Martin Rizzo. You're a 29-year-old kid. You can't be around a 54-year-old fat fuck. Steve Simone is no fucking Anthony Rahabins.

You know, these guys, these comics, We're all fucking crazy. You're a nice, sweet kid. Johnny Rock's a nice sweet kid. And they're all your AIDS. Oh, absolutely, yeah. Give me a shot for a while. And that's it.

Stay in touch with Paula. Oh, yeah. She's a sweet kid. You have no regrets. Stay in touch with her. Respective. Give her the respect she wants. And start hanging out two nights a week with those young kids.

See their perspective. There's a company with those kids. I saw Johnny Rock. Last week of Flappers, he improved dramatically. He got stuck for a while in his fucking world with some broad-through. Yeah. And he was trying to be Shakespeare, goofy, with a sit with fucking glasses on and a purple jacket and a white fucking suit.

Listen, Lysayat, no matter how old you are, at what point in your life, we're always going to get lost for a certain time in our lives. There's always something. There's always something. I did 100 episodes of Beauty and the Beast with Felicia. Do you think I look at it as I did a hundred, I wasted 100 episodes? No. I learned how to do a podcast.

I learned how to talk and be frank and come across and get my feelings across on a microphone. Nothing is a waste as long as you tried it. You know, can you imagine, my, can you imagine that Kate quickly showed up tonight with a bikini and you marry her on Thursday? Then we have a fucking problem. Oh, yeah, yeah, I'd be having a breakdown. What am I hiring on tonight? I didn't do nothing. I hate the little piece.

The P. Well, the P was going to get me behind anyway. G.O. Federico, Rob Walzer, D. in Colorado, I'll see it a few weeks, my brother. And remember, February 17th is your boy's birthday. My dog, Lorne Rosencurt, been there since day one. Another one of my soldiers. Mark Varley, my girl, Cleo, petitioning Netflix for him. me the other day with a heartfelt message. Thank you very much, Cleo, for believing in me

and for the culture and all the beautiful words you said. My man Aaron Michael Stein, my man Chris Trent, and my man Ryan Stetser, plus my main dog in Philadelphia, they're moving fucking one-by-one podcast, a man of steel, Mikey Stein. And that's it. You know, I love all you motherfuckers. and don't forget we added an extra show next week in Denver okay so we added the 22nd or 10 o'clock show we also added a birthday party

at the comedy store belly room Sunday 1918th at 8 o'clock just to let you know Alabama sweet home I'll see you motherfuckers the first week of March because I love you but we'll get to that shit later anyway something else I did that was very interesting

number two I want to talk about No disrespect to Lisa. I don't want to congratulate the Eagles. I know well, I mean, you know. It was a great game. It was a great game. Anytime New England in the fucking game, it's always a great fucking game. You sat there to the last minute going.

What's you going to do? Take two balls out and throw them at once and get 14 points. I know it was hard for guys like you. I was talking to some guy yesterday at the open mic, and he was just saying how, just with Tom Brady, you just come to expect them to come back. but it was obviously Philadelphia's year they fucking killed it.

It was, Atlanta, there's some drama right now because Belichick benched a guy because he smoked a little weed or something, who knows. But yeah, it was a fucking great game.

You could have bench Jesus last night. Philadelphia went out there to win. They played their hearts out. And the most important thing is it's a great city. Oh, yeah. So is Boston. You know, I love it.

I love, I should have gone to Drexel. But I love Philly, and they deserve it. It's a good city. Steve Simone's there. He flew up there. I think Eleanor's there. They got nothing good heart.

I can't wait to see you motherfuckers in June. I think I'm coming to Philly to a theater in June. And it's just really exciting. But something else I did this week. You know, Friday night, I was gone for two weeks in a row. So the first Friday, I usually tried to go out of date with my wife. And we were going to go see the Molly movie. And then we're going to go see a gun girl.

What's the name of that movie? Directed by Bethany. Oh, uh, Forever My Girl. Forever My Girl. And that was playing somewhere else, you know? And the next thing you fucking know, somebody was doing a play on Lenny Bruce,

a one man show. And it was directed by Joe Montenion. And I saw it got decent reviews about a month ago. And listen, man, when you're a writer or an engineer or a designer or something, you ever get stuck? You ever get stuck? You really do sometimes go, what the fuck?

I'm kind of in a slump. I can't get an idea to make this look like this. Guess what you do? Go to your museum and look at fucking figures. So, you know what? I'm always looking to learn to write and shit. And to learn. So this performer, Joey Marmo, I think that's his name, Ronnie Marmo.

I did a movie with him. I got fired from a movie. called Pizza and Bullets. It was just one of those movies. I saw one guy was in the movie and I can't be in the movies. He's in that movie. So I'm quitting and they sent the guy to my house and we got to an argument. The cops came in and it were to make a long story short.

My wife and I go, fuck it, what are we going to do? And we end up going over to this fucking movie theater, this play. It was right on Lancashire at the Something Theater. And it's something by Lenny Bruce. I'm Lenny Bruce or something like that. We walk in and who's in the front row, but our boy Tom Rhodes with his wife. It's date night for them. So Tom had just done the podcast with us on Wednesday.

And here he is two days later around the corner over at this fucking joint. So I watched the one man play. I mean, Lenny Bruce is one of my heroes, guys. He was one of my true fucking heroes. And it's crazy the reasons why. and stuff. I mean, all the, if you don't know who Lenny Bruce was, he was a comic from the 50s and

60s that really opened the door for comics like me. He went to jail, he got arrested, you know, for doing material. One of the church guys gave me live from Carnegie Hall. It's a fucking brilliant album. By the way, Dave Wilder, I got your albums there. I forgot him

in the fucking house with Mauriceo Alvarado's fucking poster of of Sabbath that he gave. It's the purple one the other day. So, what were you talking about? Fuck.

About other the play? The play. So I go to this. I love Lenny Bruce. I don't know how many times I've told

fucking Lee Lee put on Lenny Bruce. This is how I want my shit shot. This is how it's supposed to be shot from the waist up. Lenny Bruce just had a very tragic story for a comic. You know?

At the end, he died of drugs, but he spent all his money. on, you know, fighting the courts because he represented himself and blah, blah, blah, and he kept getting fined, and it's, you know, the stuff he told about New York was really funny. And just to clarify, he got in trouble with the court

for saying, fuck, something like that, right? Something weird, he said something, and the cops took the notes, and then they arrested them on the cop's notes, so he had to do, he turned the courtroom into, like, this fucking joke thing. He's like, well, let the cop, do my fucking material, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And they went back and forth. But it was just great to watch. I didn't sit with Tom. I sat behind them. And it's always good to go out of your element. I mean, since day one on the podcast, we've been speaking about going out of your fucking zone. Sometimes you go out of your comfort zone,

and great fucking things happen. And we watched, it was great. Ronnie was great. I don't know. There was just something missing, but who the fucking mind? I'm no theater critic. He did a great job. Afterward, we went outside, and the wives talked to me,

and then he came outside, and he talked to us, and he was very nice. In fact, I was going to try to get him on a podcast to tell why he got, because his story to it, and I forgot to bring the fucking paperwork to read how he's an actor. He's not even a comic, but he was so enthralled with Lenny fucking Bruce.

that he wanted to do this kind of homage. And it's, I guess, uh, Bruce, Lenny Bruce's daughter likes him so much that she let him do the voice. To one of his books that they reissued. So it's this guy doing his voice. If you live in the area and you want to go check it out,

go check it out, man. It's pretty, uh, I think it's Mondays and Sunday matinee. And it's something out of the realm. It's one of the guys. And then, you know what, go, do I suggest watching the movie with Dustin Hoffman? No, I suggest reading ladies and gentlemen

how to talk dirty and influence people. There was two books I read. The one was the one that made me go into stand-up. The other one was just a funny book. What are the names? I know. How to make friends and influence people? Yeah, how to make friends and influence people.

And these are all the books I read when I moved to ball to steal this book by that fucking activist dude you know I would read the Lenny Bruce shit when I first read about Lenny I wasn't thinking of becoming a stand-up but when I read is it ladies and gentlemen

Lenny Bruce you just had it there cuck-sucking yeah let it ladies and gentlemen Lenny Bruce when I read that book that was the one that sealed my fucking fate right there that was the fucking one it came out in 74 when did you read

did you? 89. Wow. And you weren't doing comedy yet or right about to start? I was having thoughts about it, and when I read the book it pushed me over the edge. I liked everything about it. I liked the drug end about it. I liked that.

I just thought I had no future Lee. So this would be my easiest out. Me doing stand-up at night till four in the morning with strippers, and then going home and shooting heroin with a bunch of jazz musicians. and fucking waking up and two at the Chelsea Hotel. God knows what the rent was, maybe $40 a week, you share a bathroom with 18 different fucking people.

It's that type of environment. But I was pretty prepared to do it for my love of stand-up and just to just not matter because I didn't really want to matter. What do I give a fuck? Who knows who I am? I don't know what I am.

I just want to be able to do stand-up comedy. You all right? I think I can taste a pee. Lee, if I told you it was all the life. No, you wouldn't. Would you feel better? You see what I'm saying? It's untrue. You think you let shit go in your mind like a weed and let it contaminate you for three or four days. I see it happen all the fucking time.

You're going to send 30. It's just a year. You still got 70 years to prove your point. Assume you're going to live to a year 100. You got 70 years to prove your point. What's 30? You ain't got shit. It's just one of those fucking years. Nothing's going to change. You're still got to pay for rent. You're still got to go up and show up here to get a check. And you're going to be the same man.

That's it. Only stronger. Why is it? You're not going to make the same mistakes you've made before. Right. Number two, your birthday's in July. Why the fuck are you give a fuck about 30? Dude, I was worried about 30 before I was 29.

Well, so was I. But don't worry about it. You know, sometimes you get a blue belt and you're not a blue belt, but you'll grow into it. I finally grew into my age of 54 years old. I grew up, I could tell you officially when I grew up at 47. At 47 was when I finally, you know, you got to remember, I didn't fail as a plumber or an artist or my business didn't fail or I failed as a man, which is the worst failure you could fail. People come back from failing as a painter or as a radio host or as a comic or they lose a contest. But it's pretty fucking much, pretty hard to come back when you failed as a man.

What do you mean you fail as a man? I failed as a husband. I failed as a man. I failed to fight what I believed for because I thought I was going to lose. But at the same time I became a stand-up comic. So I don't really know if there's a loss in there. a loss in there, but in my mind I lost. I lost. I failed at marriage. I was a failure at that point my life. And that, that scarred me more than my mother's death. I was a failure who not only

that lost this kid like your friend. When you were telling the story before, I've been where he's been, where your wife don't let you see the kids. And you're going to come up with attorney money. you got to come up with attorney money to see your kids it's going to cost you every your life savings it's like if you had hung around I have no idea because he the kids are teenagers I was a complete different person

in 1995 to 19 I was angry for four years my deep embedded anger which meant if you cut me off by mistake you got double of what you really deserved if you did something to me my mistake, I went off on you 10 times harder than what it really was going on.

That anger was impairing my fucking vision. It was impairing who I was. But you do have the right to get that angry. They're taking your kid from you. You know what? You don't love me, Lee? I get it, brother. I get it. You know what? I was starting to have doubts about you too. But do me a favor. Have your sister bring the kids to fucking the burger hut. And let me see him for an hour and just talk to them and ask them about what they want to do, how they feel that,

well, all this is going out, don't alienate from me. I still live in a lot of pain from what happened with me 20 years ago. My daughter, my daughter turned 20 years old yesterday. I sent the happy birthday

on all the platforms that I have. Every year, I'm going to send a happy birthday, tell her I love her, and tell her they brainwashed her. That that's not the person who I was. it really wasn't. You know, if she contacts me back, she contacts me back.

If she doesn't, life goes on. It's not going to drag me down. I'm not going to go to the psychot. I'm too old to do drugs and snort coke and drink myself into an oblivion. I can't do that. I got responsibilities. I have another daughter.

God gave me a second chance to be a man, which is a very big fucking chance. And I have to fill those shoes like we all do in our lives. we're all going to fail. We're all going to fucking fail. At one thing or another, when you fail as a man,

you know, I failed as mad marriage. I ended up as a fucking convicted felon. I was a failure. There's no two ways about it. I'm no better than you. I'm no better than nobody who listens to this goddamn podcast. But just, I didn't stop. You know what I'm saying?

Like that was, it cut me so deep. that fail. It was like when I got left back in the seventh grade, that fucked me. I got A's after that, Lee. I never got another B. Not even a B plus.

I got straight A's after that. You know what I'm saying? Right, yeah. You need that failure to boost jobs sometimes. So we live and we learn. That's what age is. And you get wiser and you get smarter and you learn what you're doing,

what you can't do. You're a good kid. You're making good directions. You're the backbone of this podcast. I laugh a lot. I laugh. I go, Jesus Christ, thank God Lee wasn't around

when I was doing drugs because he'd still be waiting for that 6 a.m. podcast, you know what I'm saying? You went through a relationship. You realize that the American dream wasn't really the American dream of getting married and getting the house and buying and having that green yard.

Especially at 30 there's no need for right now. It requires a lot of work. It requires a lot of things. dedication from you and right now in these times you have to establish yourself as a young man first before you could even fucking think of supporting somebody else i can't i can't imagine being being uh responsible for someone else or i mean not god forbid i love kids but i can't like if i had a kid right now i'm no way ready to have a kid i'm sorry about the bottle i fell apart lee right i fell apart at 27 and let me tell you something else we'll put this on the open before you

but, you know, Lee's doing a great job with his comedy. He's a great writer. He hung around it so long that he heard, you know, when he fucking calls me, he watches the, if the special comes out at midnight, Lee watches the special at 1205. I give the kid credit about that. So, uh, he likes it. And I watch him and I watch the shit he comes up with at this level. How I found out about his unhealthy.

happiness was Paula, was him going on stage. I never, I was on the fence about it. I knew something was bothering you. I thought it was me and my behavior. You know, we had a couple bad months. I didn't know what it was. Until you said that that night on stage, I would never have brought that up to the stage

at doing comedy at the six-month level. Not even close. I didn't even know how to present that statement. Okay. So I'm watching what you're doing And I'm trying to remember Everything happens really easily And you know what?

She might end up being your fucking attorney in 10 years That'd be crazy And you laugh and giggle Nobody waste time with anybody It's always learning or education And you end up on good terms Nobody got hit in the head with a chair No

Nobody got thrown out against the will of the cops didn't come You did it like a gentleman And when you explain your thoughts to me during the week last week, I said, he's not doing this until April. So I can tell that you have made progress with this therapist. And I'm very proud of you, brother. I'm trying, man. I'm trying. And I'm actually really excited.

Speaking of Sam Trippily, he invited me in March, the ways away. But March, I'm going to be at the Velvet Jones on March 10th with him. And Mike Catherwood from Love Line and Tully from the Jason Ellis show. It's going to be great. And there's what's going on. You're getting out there. And that night, you were going to, Lee was going to do both spots. He was going to do the 6 o'clock at the 4th War and the 7 o'clock at the 4th War and he was going to go home.

And we went to the Comedy Store. I did my spot. You know, when you go to the Comedy Store, if you walk in there with me or with Lee, there's going to be a part of the night where you're going to end up talking to Brody, Stevens or Eddie Bravo. And next thing you know, I'm talking to Lee. and I disappear. And a couple minutes later,

Lee comes up to me, you know, wobbling with his little look on his face, with that smile on his face. And it was like he smoked 50 joints, but his eyes weren't red. They just had sparkles on me. Looked me straight in the face. He goes, you're not going to believe this.

Sam Trippley gave me a gig. And I looked them straight in the face, and I said, Lee, nothing happens on the couch. If you wouldn't have been here, he wouldn't have saw you, he wouldn't have thought about you. And that's why, Comedy is a weird animal.

Because I still want you to network, but I want you to network after you do your comedy. I do not want you to network first, and then do comedy. Go do your two sets out. And then go let your face be seen. It's very effective. It works great.

So if you live in Pittsburgh, and the improv has an open mic on Wednesday, and the Rusty Penguin does their show, but then at 10 o'clock, there's a big show where they fly a headliner in. You want to be there to watch the headline and learn something from, but you never know.

The guy might look and you go, hey, man, didn't we work together a few years ago in Louisville? I'm doing one of these tomorrow night in fucking Paducah. Can you open for me? And you're like, look what happened. My wife wanted to stay home

and watch green as the next purple. But I fucking came here and look what happened. I got a little gig out of it. Nothing happens on the couch, ladies and gentlemen. Nope. Thank you very much for listening. Do not forget this weekend.

I got Dick, but the following weekend, the 17th, the Ice House is sold out. The 18th tickets are on sale in the belly room. Great lineup. My wife's coming. They're going to bring a Carvel cake, Eleanor. Listen, it's just church family. So the quicker you get your ticket is just for church family. And then they added an extra show in Denver because we sold out the five at the Comedy Works.

sorry, it's Thursday night at 10. I'm fucking trying, all right? I kept the ticket price is cheap, and I want to see all you motherfuckers out, and that's basically it again, thank you for listening to the church, and I want to thank you for listening to the Joey Rogan podcast.

We had a great time the other day, but don't go nowhere. I got to talk to people about two things, and then I'll let you get the fuck out of here and go live your life. Number one, are you hiring? Is your business hiring? It's something you know hiring. posting your position to job sites and waiting and waiting for the right people to see it, good luck. You know, ZipRecruiter knew there was a smarter way.

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