The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #558 - Ali Siddiq

Episode Date: February 13, 2018

Ali Siddiq, Comedian seen on "This Is Not Happening" and whose new special, "It's Bigger Than These Bars" airs on Comedy Central February 23, 2018, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Harry's - Get your FREE trial shave set at Harrys.com/CHURCH Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get $30 off you first order.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 02/12/2018.  

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What? Oh shit. Sitting here. Oh, oh shit. Alisa Digg. The Christ killer. And you're just, Uncle Joey in the same

motherfucking room with a partner and shit he's bringing my partner in from Houston my baby boy he wasn't good uh-uh

she did uh-oh just fucking Christ that's as fucking smooth as it gets Ali Sadeekin this motherfucker we started this conversation off on the wrong foot

and I'm very sorry Ali knows how they get my blood pressure going I don't want to hear Martha Richard Pratt. This is all bull. There's just to show you people the type of people we have in the Hollywood here. Quincy Jones didn't get molested. Did Harvey Weinstein stick a finger up his ass? Did anybody molest him? Oprah suck his dick. So he just

decided just to get on the microphone and spill shit about people that he got no business talking about. Marvin Gay's dead. He ain't even around to protect himself. Richard Pryor dead. He ain't around to protect. Why you got to tell people he sucked Marlon Brand those dick? You know, people threw away the godfather yesterday the only motherfuckers got up and just threw away the godfather. Fuck that

fag, motherfucker. Really? They take it that seriously? Yeah, that's Fido Corleone. Who took it more seriously? The Marlon Brando fans or the Richard Pryor fans? People know Richard Pryor had his problem. African Americans, they know. They ain't stupid. Every African

American Italian, man, Richard Pryor is cool as shitty. You know, he had his demons. I know for a fact I read in one of the books, Paul Mooney sucks this Now, Paul Mooney's one of my mentors. Period. Paul Mooney's one of my mentors. You know what? When I see Paul Mooney, I don't even think about him sucking his dick or Richard's sucking his dick. Like, that's how much I love Paul Mooney. It don't matter to me.

But don't be spreading rumors about Richard Pryor fucking outside the fucking, you know. Yeah. The Paul Mooney circle. Don't go outside of shit. You fuck Paul Mooney. That's it. That's all we get you. We get you want. You know. But this, this, um, This Will, this Will harp, I don't know who he is, this Wilbert Harp. Yeah, Richard did a whole bit about him fucking Wilbert Harp and sending him flowers. So, I don't know.

You know the story about what happened? I know the lockers. He did this whole bit. This is the one when he was. They said that at his mother's brothel. He had to do oral sex on men from time to time. Do I want to hear that about Richard Pry? Not at all.

That's how deep his fucking pain was. No wonder the motherfucker was throwing fucking crack on himself and lighting himself on fire. Think about what that motherfucker did. That guy was in deep pain. But the story about the Hollywood Bowl, when he did the Gave benefit, and he went up there and started going off on him.

He almost ruined his career, bro. Because he thought it was a human rights thing. And then what happened was backstage, stage. It was only one other African-American group that was performing. It was this pop-lock group called the lockers. And the lockers, wouldn't nobody help them. They wasn't assist the stage hands with the system.

It was like racism in its finest. And so Richard decided he was going to bait the audience in and then turn on them right in the middle because how they treated, how they treated the lockers from the story that I read. and, you know, I don't know how true it is. I just know Richard had his, had his things. And my thing was Quincy shouldn't have decided after all this time to talk about people that can't defend. You're not supposed to speak ill or the dead.

You know, one, it hurts the people who are alive that love them. And two, they're not here to defend themselves. So Quincy, if he did, fuck Marlon Brando, you know. that's between him and the godfather. Can you explain something to me? Because I just don't know, I've heard the term, and I just don't know what it means. Like the download. I know it's a thing that happens,

but is that what Richard Pryor was, is that considered the download what Richard Pryor was doing? Isn't it gay sex? That's what I thought. I don't really know how the download works. It's not a part of my life, but Richard was not on the download. The download is,

something where you doing something behind somebody's back. Richard was on the out, out what, he was on the outro. He was in the out front. That's what Richard was on. Richard was on the out front. But the whole thing is,

hey, whatever he did, he did, whatever, but Marvin Gaye is still my favorite artist. It doesn't change any of the songs for me. You got to get off. What's going on? don't change any of the songs. I'm not throwing away my Richard Pryr albums or my Richard Pryor shirt.

And my Godfather is definitely safe. As long as I have a VCR, I have it on VHS. I haven't on UL school. That's when I first got it. Is it on like two VHS tapes? Yes, I'm like two. You know, it was a box, you know,

it was a three box set. For one movie. You know, I know for a fact that Marlon Brando went crazy at the He had to. He was living in this world. Tonight I was watching something when I got home. I had to go to Weight Watchers, and I took my daughter and my wife with me after school, and then we went home.

When I got home, Prince was on the autopsy of Prince. That's a show? Yeah, the autopsy is a show. It was that tonight, Whitney Houston and John Belushi. It was like a lineup tonight of fucking drugs. And they were talking about what's going to happen next Monday. next Monday they're going to do an expose on Prince and that he was having a hard time

because you hear this shit and people go well you know he's a fucking loser how can you be lonely with a million dollars he said that he couldn't believe how famous he was made him as lonely as he was there's a guy that fuck Sheena Houston he fucked us uh what's his name

that's why what do you think all the problem why think that dude's still mad Alec Baldwin why think Alec Baldwin's mad angry I have no idea. Because he found out Kim Basson just sucked Prince's dick. Woo. Kim Basson used to fuck Prince, dog.

Prince is a bad dude. It's supposed to be the first Batman. Yeah, yeah. He's supposed to be Batman. They pulled that deal out on them, had to do the soundtrack. Yeah. Prince was a bad dude. Prince was a bad dude.

But, you know, guys, all that, all that shit comes from when we grow up, when you grew up, that pain, that darkness. Look how Prince grew up. Like, look how Prince went out. Guys, like, you know what? The motherfucker had the world by the balls. Look how they went out. Look how they fucking went out. Michael Jackson had so much fucking pain.

That kid went crazy at the fucking end. That motherfucker was shooting off fentanyl by the fucking IV. Marlon Brando, they told that motherfucker, you get in shape for Apocalypse now. He showed up 400 pounds. That's why they only shot him from the head up and shit. You're supposed to be a Marine, not a fucking cheeseburger. You were supposed to be a badass Marine.

You were supposed to get a trainer. That motherfucker told him, fuck you. Then they moved to the island And then they were sending them scripts He wanted 100,000 to read an island Read a script That's a good deal $100,000 he wanted to read your fucking script

So if you called Marlon up and said I got a script for you he'd say Bitch send over a hundred grand And you want me to come off the island Oh That's something completely different You want me to meet you in Miami That's another 100 geez and shit

Like he was pimping heavy You lose your mind bro These people will make you lose your fucking mind here after a while. If you don't have people close to you that have you and keep you grounded in this game, bro. This shit will suck you up and spit you out. You start believing your own fucking lyrics.

If I blow smoke up your ass every fucking day, you know what that does to you? That means you do nothing wrong. Every day? Every day. That's what these people do to you. They blow smoke up your ass. I witness it.

Marlon Brando went crazy at the end. Half of these fucking people go crazy. James Dean went crazy. Look at what's happening now in Hollywood. Every week somebody else wants some motherfucking attention for getting felt up by Harvey Weinstein and shit. Guy was worth $20 million. He could have just fucked the hooker and shot her in the head.

Like, what's going on in your life? What's going on in your life? I got three kids and shit. I lost my custody battle. Well, listen, how about we get those kids $100,000? How about I just fucking fuck the shit out of your fucking ass? don't have to sign away, but not in this deal. In this deal, we just shoot you.

Nobody knows nothing. Dead men don't tell tales. You know what I'm saying? Because it's the shit that goes on now. Now you got to hear for fucking a year. Rose McGowan, we were talking about that poor white bitch. Have you seen her lately, Doug? It's like she went into a room with a thousand dicks.

And everybody just hit her in their head with dick. Dick after dick until she got PTSD. That bitch could be a Pittsburgh Steeler. I was surprised you don't shoot her. over the Pittsburgh Steelers jersey. Oh, my God. That crazy bitch, it's one of those nights people.

Alisa Deeg is going deep on that edible and shit. I got to show you something. I got to show you something. Can you put the video off of Village people Wantsia? What was the last time you watched this? Oh, Lisa Deke. I ain't never watched this.

Oh, my fucking God. Oh, my God. It's the music video? Yeah. My daughter asked me. I've seen it on. My daughter's... She played on MTV, didn't it?

A lot. Yeah, my daughter doesn't understand. Like, she didn't know. She asked me, she said, one of the kids in her school got two daddies. So she came up to me at like 5 o'clock. She fucked my world up with that question. That's worse than Jeopardy, Doug.

I'm like, oh, and 22 on Jeopardy every night. She fucked my world up. So the only thing I could do was to show of this video of YMCA. Watch this fucking video. And this is 1978. This is faggots with faggots. I want you to see the community.

I want you to see the commitment. I really wish. Like, I'm just so amazed that this is parenting. Like, okay, how am I going to explain gay people? So I showed her fucking this video, and she got pissed because they don't invite girls to the YMCA.

They don't want to be at the YMCA. Put the music on and watch this video. Play the music for my friend here, so he understands what's going on on the outside. It's going to fuck, yeah. Watch this shit. Watch these motherfuckers. See, this one gay was gay. Look at this. Look at the white dude.

Lee, the white dude, the tibiker you would suck his dick. Look at him. What? Look at him. What? The skinny black dude at the end. He already got the hiv. Look at him. He's skinny. He's missing his beats. Watch him. He looks like Arsenio. And back to the... Look at him. Look at him. At the end with the Army suit on. Oh, my God.

Look at Marlon Brando. Are you kidding me on Lisa Dee? We gotta do this video over. Me, you and some hard-hitting brothers, you know what I'm saying? Isn't it a little about gay sex, though? It's about something. That's the dirtiest mustache, I was... Can you believe that?

You know how much coming out on that mustache, my fucking dude? You smell his mustache, you get pregnant. Oh, my God. I love it. this fucking song. I love them. I love them. I love them with all my heart. I don't get what anybody calls me. I don't think we knew the song meant.

It means go to the YMCA. You want to get your dicks up. They'll feed you. They'll clean your ass. And you'll get fucked in the ass, too. There you go. You today. Here we go. This is what my daughter got pissed. You can hang out with all the boys. It's fun

after she got pissed about. She's like, Daddy, he's not saying girls. So that's my point. All right, put on in the Navy now. They had three jams. Were they all about gay sex? Dog. Oh, my God.

So they sang a song about the Navy. That's why people were joining the Navy for a long time. They were saying that if you were in the Navy, you were gay. You were in the Witness Relocation Plan for Dick if you joined the Navy. Oh, my God. It's right there. And I swear to God, Doug, for a long. Then they sang this song, and that's what they fucked people up.

Watch in the Navy. You never seen this either? I've heard the Yon's yet. Everybody got a submarine going up your ass. That means it. They don't want the girl. Are they, well? They're Kelsey Grandma?

Yeah. This is fucking crazy. I put out macho man now. Watch macho man, Alisa. This is fucking crazy. I don't have to worry about you, Joey. What's going on? I'm telling you, dog.

Why do you know all these? Because I showed my daughter the fucking video when she asked me about the two men. I didn't know what else to fucking do. I had to think about it for a few. And this is all I can come up with. I ain't originally fucking most white people and shit. I got to think deep.

I didn't know what to tell her. And I was always scared of this shit. Watch of my. Did they always wear like these like And watch the song is badass. Watch the body, body. Want to feel. Want to feel my body.

Watch this. And did you know that way back then? Listen, we watch. Look at it. It's like a type of emotion. This is fucking craziness So this is how you explained When my daughter

About she came home Yeah Somebody in my class Got two men Two fathers Okay, let me tell you what's going on I didn't know Look at these three videos

I showed her you Why She swims at the Y And she goes to ballet at the Y So I want to know Was Crack-O-Lackling In the men's bathroom So she never walks in there

And shit That's fucking crazy Who was ready for another edible? No. So, wait, did you guys know they were gay back then? You had to, right? Not at all. Yeah, I do it.

I did. I was fucking 13, 14. Yeah, I fucking knew. You had to know. Oh, my God. I was a little young. I stayed away from the YMCA. Like, I didn't fuck with the YMCA at all.

Put on Vanity 6 real quick there. That's 1978. Nasty girl? Yeah. Nasty girl. Oh, shit. Look at this shit. See, now.

Look at the age. Look at the young. Look at the young. Yeah, Pimp. What's his name? Bang. Prince, yeah.

Prince bang her too. Look at the year on this. This is 81. So I was ready. So was I. Look at this. Oh, shit. Yeah.

Como, la'le. My, my, man, that's a cullo. Oh, my. Meadow the language and I rot all the cullo. And te whipbo locasan.

Hey, oh, my. That's a pestaceita in my chochia. It's six. Boy, she was amazing. Yeah, she was amazing. Yeah, she was amazing. Look at her. If that's right, pleased to meet you.

I still won't tell you mind. The white one. Her pawn shoe got canceled. Get the white one. You know she does meth and shit. But if the white one. Look at the ugly as fuck. Oh, my God.

She's fucking up the dance moves. I think they got more water upstairs. And they got shit from the candy cane. That's right. One in the paint, I'm like she at least. My first time I missed the pregnant. Do it again. Oh, my God.

Oh, my goodness. Now, put it back on. Look at her. Oh, shit. Look at the white one. See, she fucked the brain. Look at it. She does meth.

There's no way she's in that band. And she's straight up ugly like a motherfucker. You might as well put me back there. But look at this little Chinese one in the back. That little Chinese ho-ho there She's fucking on fire Look at the white one with those valet stockings on I hate that shit

It's like going to hooters That little one with the white arm Those are the ones you find in Houston Those are the trafficking ones They got those massage parlors You go in there the bitches are crying They're sending postcards and shit Oh my goodness

There's any postcards that never get delivered Mama son That's the biggest problem For human trafficking Of Asian women Is Houston Texas That's the damn shit They got thousands of those massage parlors

Outside in 832 How do they get the Asian women in Texas Like why is it They drop them off in Galveston They fucking bring them in the ship They beat them They give them a can of tuna Between 18 of them

And they fucking take the journey They drop them off of Galveston You ever see them land in Galveston It's like fucking a war war. They drop them. They got to quit him. Chinese people drown these shit. It's a fucking nightmare. That's why Chinese

people who are drowned Galveston. People don't know that shit. I'm dropping knowledge on you right now. He probably isn't wrong. There probably is like 18 Asian, unexplained Asian drownings in the Texas area. Next time you're high, watch fucking NetGio and watch human trafficking episode.

They shoot it in fucking H-town in Houston motherfucking Texas. And I know that's true. But I'm not to figure out where all these drowned Chinese people go home. Even when they, the floods this year, they found much. Now, they found a bunch of people drowned in the floods. That's true. That's fucked up.

That's true. But in Galveston, they fight Chinese people. That means they come up in the boat and they make them run. And they fucking drown. Then they find them in Louisiana. How the fuck these Chinese people get here? We got a 23 and me them now. We're going to do like one of these DNA tests.

These motherfuckers came from and shit. But then that costs too much money is they just bury them. They don't get them fuck. There's just a mass grave somewhere of unnamed Asian prostitution. I love it.

And you're doing better now, Ali, but for a minute, you almost had a Dean Del Rey moment with the edible. Like, during the beginning of the podcast, he was, like, talking to himself with his hand over his face. No, I was going over lines in my head.

And then I realized when you touch me, I realized like, oh, I'm going over lines in my head. He don't realize it. What lines are you going over? Oh, man, I got to remember this script, man. It's not going well, man. What script? This script they sent me yesterday. So I got to remember this thing.

You auditioning when? Tomorrow. What time? Okay, you got plenty of time. So how many pages do you have to read tonight? Five. Five. Very fucking easy.

How many scenes in five? in five pages. Five. Five scenes in five pages, correct? The first thing you're going to do is you're going to take the character and give them a fucking first middle name and the last name.

And even though the character breakdown says something, you're going to give that motherfucker your own breakdown because they're looking for him dressed up as Ali Sadieke. And then you're going to take the five sides tomorrow morning when you wake up. Don't fuck with it tonight because you're just going to waste your fucking time tonight. You ain't going to retain nothing,

so you're just wasting your time. You might as well watch fucking blackula or something, you know, something. We should do one thing tonight, though. Something. No, don't even look at it tonight. It's wasted time. You look at it in the morning and you look at it's sober. And you think about it. And then you smoke and you give that motherfucker color.

When you smoke refur, while you look at it, and I'm not playing with you. And I'm listening. This is how I booked a thousand fucking movies because I give that character a name, a middle name. And then, you know, because they'll only tell you that his character's name is Shifty. Well, Shifty got to have a life before that fucking day. How do you make it up?

That's imagination. That's where Marlon Brando was a fucking genius. So when you go in the room, you know who the fuck you are. The beauty of my Marlon Brando was, he didn't know his lines. Since we're talking about Marlon Brando, let's give him the flip side of the coin, Marlon Brando never knew his lines. He didn't need to. He knew the character.

Once you know the character, the lines will come to you. All he needs is a couple sets, and he words. Boom, boom, boom. And he'll remember that whole thing. Because he doesn't need to know the lines if you know the motherfucking character. You've known the motherfucker's thinking. And you think about the moment before and the moment after that scene, what that motherfucker's thinking.

And that shows in your eyes when you go into the audition. And that's what comes through the tapes. And that's how I book those big movies all the time. I don't fuck around in those movies, but I got a system. So do you like, I don't know what the, I'm forgetting what the term is, but when, like, Daniel Day Lewis or anyone stays, No, I don't play that for... No, no, that's fucking shit.

You don't have to call you the name. That's for white people. Okay. You might as well join Scientology. Look, you think Ice Cube does that? You think Queen Latifah did that or Ice Tea or Ice Cube? They came from a different place called Hunger. That's what taught them how to act.

Because you learned how to act in the street, how to make money as a child. So that's the place you're coming from hunger and fucking pain. These people who have to be character all day, that's great. That works for you. But I'll smack you in the fucking face. When I talk to you, look me in the eye, bitch. You know what I'm saying? You hear about these movies with these high-budget movies

that these people parade themselves. I understand that dude that played Batman. That dude, a friend of mine, did a movie with him, and he goes, Dog, I didn't hear the accent until after the movie was shot at the premiere. He goes, I spent 13 weeks with that dude. He played American the whole time. Who played Batman?

That's the best white dude out right now. American Hustle. That white dude could act his asshole. Christian bail. Yeah. Christian bail? That dude could act his asshole. But that Daniel Day-Lews bullshit

that he tricks all these people from fucking Beverly Hills with. Blood will drain. I'll smack you, though. You weigh 180 pounds. Who are you going to do? We're going to gang's in New York? I'll stab me two times in the fucking eyeball.

You know what I'm saying? Don't come at me with that shit. But there's people that just act. They just make a big deal about this. You come out here and pay 300 a month and think they're doing some magic trick with you. That's all this is. As long as you know that motherfucking character

Those five pages will come to you. But you know what? That's not what you came here to talk about. You came in to talk about a fucking accomplishment that I'm very proud of you. Because in a way, it's like going home. Definitely. Your special is coming on at 23rd. What's the name of it?

Ali Sadie presents it's bigger than these balls. All right. So give me the rundown from A to Z. What made you go back to a prison to shoot your special? Actually, this one is in a jail. with people who are in prison and they're waiting to go

to a real prison and they just come off of trial or they waiting a waiting trial and I went back in there because Texas is real sensitive about how they're viewed in public

so you know you notice they're not on lock up or anything they give me all these bullshit excuses about why I couldn't come back into the actual prison. You can put me in prison, but I can't come back in to shoot the special to show the redemption of a prisoner.

And their excuse was, they didn't want me to say anything negative about the prison. And my thing was, you know, and I asked, I said, well, I'm going to say the word prison and you tell me

all the positive words that come to your mind once I say the word prison. And, you know, it was this, it was this thing with them, man, that, you know, so I didn't want that to stop me. So I changed up a lot of the material and we went in to this jail and then I shot it from my angle of, you know, people being mentally locked up, that ends them up being physically locked up in the difference between being in jail and being in prison and me coming from being in prison, having. to come through the jail system in order to get to prison, how I walk the way backwards, you know, through all of that, to come back and show them, hey, look, even if it's your first time ever here,

or it's your, you've been here a lot of times, you know, it can stop right here. You don't have to, you don't have to keep this cycle of coming back and forth to prison or putting yourself in this disposition. Probably nobody knows when you and I, about once you get to, that system, you were gonna. You were gonna. You're in there every three years for something else. They got you.

And the system is prepared. It's not, it's not, but it's failure. It's failure. It's not their fault. It's everybody's fault. It's not their fault. But you and I both know how lucky we are

that we got out of the system and stayed the fuck out of the system. Yeah? That's a tough thing to do once you're in the system. You can't shake it. You can't shake it. I couldn't shake it. It started for me in 1983,

and it went all the way to 1990 fucking six. 97. Knock on wood. For 14 years, I was in a fucking system. At one point, I was always on fucking probation. Constantly. Constantly.

But you were still doing all the stuff you would do. doing whatever the fuck I was doing. Remember, even after I came out of prison, I was still tipping on the fucking scale with this divorce and the ex-wife and them taking the kid and I was tipping on it. And I had two felonies and I went and smacked them

with the second felony just because of my belief. I didn't care. If I'm going to go to jail, I'm going to go to jail and look, they dropped the charge because you can't say a ethnic slur and the city limits of Boulder. So nothing ever happened. So I got my free one. I took it as I got out of the system and I got the fuck out of that.

tried to make the best of my life. I gave up a daughter that I tried. I paid my child support. I did everything I was supposed to do by the book, but she didn't want me to be a father. Now she don't want no contact. I live with that every day. That was part of my punishment for being in the system and for being a fucking dumb criminal. But I was in the system for 14 years. It started with a quarter of ounce of weed in New York City. Probation. And then I got picked up for possession of stolen tools, probation, possession of stolen property, probation. And then I went to Colorado. And in Colorado, I didn't get arrested. Then I went back to Jersey, and I kept getting arrested, but nothing, no charges pressed. I got arrested away six times in New York City for possession

stolen ship, blah, blah, blah, but I always had it out. And then I went to Colorado and that's when it started. I started with a fucking going through a school zone, a 20 mile an hour school zone. I didn't see the light blinking, so it's 35. That's how it starts, guys. It's kind of. It's kind of. You're listening to music, you got weed in you, you're looking around like an asshole. I didn't see the flashing light. I started with that. I didn't go to court. Okay?

I blew off the fucking court case. Guess what? Three months later, I'm driving with a car with stickers on the fucking window. I get pulled over. They get me with the warrant and the fucking quarter ounce of weed in my sock. Now I'm in the system. Now I'm doing a drug program. That motherfucker ain't done.

but a fucking weak. And I'm back in the fucking county jail for kidnapping and aggravated fucking robbery and burglary and accessory through a felony. You know, it didn't stop. And then after I got out of that on bail, while I was out on bail for that, I got arrested for shoplifting.

Thank God I told my friend's name. And then I went back and did probation under his name at the fucking HIV fucking house. It did not end to Lee. And then I got to, I came up to fucking see. Seattle. And within six months, I got arrested up there for assault and domestic fucking violence. And then possession of a stolen car. And then assault again. And then, no, no, no, no. It never ended. How did you come into the possession of a stolen car?

I worked on a car dealership. The bank came on Thursday. I had the car out. The bank didn't see the fucking car and they reported it stolen. They had me in a different car in a different demo. I spent the weekend in jail for possession of a stolen car. The charges got dropped. Those two days I did was not for that. It was for something else, carmically. Carmically, it was for something

else I had done. So I spent from fucking Friday to fucking Monday morning in fucking county jail in Seattle. And then they dropped the charges Monday afternoon. I was back out Tuesday. Then I got arrested for an assault. Then I got arrested for parole violation. You got a lot. You got a hell of a lot of chances.

I'm talking about it didn't stop. It didn't fucking stop. Once you're in the system and you're banging and I was banging lightly. Like after I did the kidnapping time and I got out of that shit

I was like, all right, I'll bang on the line. Like I'll just bang on the line. If you need Coke, I'll sell you an ounce but I ain't selling you two. You know what I'm saying? There's a thousand things I ain't going to fucking do.

But there's a thousand things I had to do. I was getting into comedy, I was broke, and that's all I knew. So you stay in the system, bro. And eventually the system gets worse for you. Now you start doing five-year stretches. And eventually after your second or third five-year stretch, guess what, bro, you got a 20-year stretch.

And by that time, there goes your life. You spent your life in jail. Well, I mean, I don't, I think this might have been too early for both of you guys. But they have corporate prisons, don't they? So, like, isn't it beneficial to the same? state to keep you guys coming back at a certain point? Yeah, it's a business. Privatized prisoners. Privatized prisons. There we go.

A business. But let me be clear for listeners who may not be familiar with the system. When Joy was doing time, when he was doing all these bids, this was a long time ago when you can do all of that

and they gave you all those type of chances. Now then you come up to my era of doing time where you had people you know you come in out of the system maybe twice and then they dropped the three

they dropped the three strike law and made you habitual so if you they start compiling things like some of your say if you do some misdemeanors three misdemeanors gives you a felony

no it's like it's like monopoly where they Like a house, good hotel? That's fucked up. But once you get two felonies, it's time to go. So when you get two felonies, you got to move. Now, and then say you catch another felony, that makes you a habitual criminal.

So they start at 25 years. And so if you get that 25 years, and what everybody in the sister knows is called that bitch, you get that he gave you that bitch. And then like, man, what you get, man? Do that bitch at me. It's habitual. And that's 25.

And you got to sit on that. And so now you cut past when I got out, 97, you come all the way up. Now it's 50%. You get, on a misdemeanor, you get all these different classes of misdemeanor. They change the law. get a felony charge, you're doing more time on the felony now because you got to pull half of it, you know, and then if you get aggravated, it used to be half. Now you have to pull 85%. So people sitting down there longer, you know, is what people are not understanding. So if you sit down there,

say if you go down, I know how hard it was to go in at 19, come out at 25, you know, then just say if you go in at 19 and you come out at 33 you know what I'm saying and and then the thing the thing about that is as as you in this system you have these these um how can I explain this you had these things that happened to you unbeknownst to you like you don't even know that they happen and you just know you're trying to avoid. Okay, I'm not trying to have all this prison talk.

I'm not trying to entertain certain conversations. I'm not trying to be the typical inmate type type. So then you get out, but then it's certain things that bother you still that you know it directly from this place. Like I couldn't, and I still don't go in the restroom and use the restroom without turn on the water. Why's that? And I've been out 20 years, so I still need to, psychologically, I still need to hear that noise. Because in prison, there's no private use the restroom. Whether you in a cell, somebody that walk past your bars and talk to you, whether you in a tank,

somebody that come in a tank and talk to, whether you're in a dorm, and there's a bunch of toilets next to you. So it would be a toilet here, and there's five other toilets then. Somebody that come and sit down like three toilets down, and they still are talk to you. Oh, no. You know, like you, like you're not, so it's this, and then it's, it's a dormitory,

some people in the shower gambling, somebody may be taking the shower, somebody may be washing their hands, you're just sitting there with a towel over you, with one leg in your, in your, in your pants and one leg out, ready to, you know,

reading the book or whatever, and somebody that come up and ask you, hey, man, we're going to wreck, you're going to, you're going to run next. I'm going to pick you, how long you're going to be. You know, it's still a conversation. so you become accustomed to noise.

And then like, like I'm not good with with bouncers. Like I don't, like people think I don't, I'm so anti-social where I don't go to clubs. I don't go to clubs where bounces feel the need to shake me down. I don't, I don't vibe with that. That's too much like prison because, you know, when you locked up, everywhere you go, they're trying to shake you down from place to place. So I'm really not. really don't dig that at all.

So I don't go a lot of places. These psychological wounds that you have, you know, I don't, you know, I think I got a problem with people thinking they can say anything to me. Like, yo, man, I'm not, I don't know how you think I'm built, but I'm not built like, like you think, man, I don't have no weight class. Like people in society, it be like, you know, hey, I'm going to let you make it because you know, you too small for me. And I'd be like, in my mind, like, but you're not too big for me, though.

You don't understand why I come from. And it'll take two more you do to even, for me to even have a second thought about not beating y'all half to death. It'd take two more people standing next to you. And I'm still going to do it, you know, because I'm way more savage than the normal human being because of the place that I was in. It's like, yo, man, you think I'm in a place where I'm going to let you. somebody step on me and there's 3,000 people watching, 300 people watching, you crazy. I mean, you step to me, you just step to some problems, you'm saying? And in the free society, you be trying to explain to people like, yo, man, I'm not aggressive.

I'm just trying to explain to you how to treat me. Don't give a damn how you treat everybody else. Don't talk to me a certain way. Don't handle me a certain way because I didn't let people handle me like that in prison. So what you think you're going to do? You don't even, you pose actually. Absolutely no threat to me. I don't care how many times you're in the gym,

how many people in your crew that you run with. You're not really, you're not savage as it is because I explain to people, this is how prison goes. Simple. And Joe, you can attest to this. It's three types of people in prison. You have what you call wolves. They run in packs.

You have lions. They stand by themselves. and you have lambs who get devoured by packs, by wolves and lions. Now, the problem is this. Now, you got a wolf that gets separated from his pack. He can become a lamb. But a lion, he's been rolling by itself the whole time.

So it doesn't matter which prison he go to and where he go. And how many people he face, he's still a lion. And to take him down, you have to. to rip his mane off and cut his balls off, cut both his paws off, rip his eyes out, and he's still going to try to bite you. Then you got to take his teeth out. And he's still growling. He's never going down without, you got to, man, you know how much it takes to take down a lion by itself? When you try to come take his, his pride, come, all right, come over here. He didn't be what, come over here and see what happened. So for, for a little. You better, you better. You

You better bring some hyenas, an elephant, a rhino, and some... It's crazy that you said that because I was 25 when I went in. And I got to tell you something, I was a wolf. But my success in prison was I aligned myself with the black line who loved me until this day. What did I just say before? What time it is? I stole that from him. I don't steal lines from people that I don't love like that, like that, like chicken hawk.

Like chicken hawk. His name was Antoine Spencer. I still think about him. You know, you were saying something, dog, about showers. I was in the barracks where everybody in the kitchen worked, and the lion was Antoine Spencer, chicken hawk. Dude is there. I can see it by his face. Dude is there.

Dude is there, but we'll leave him alone. That's my brother. I'll take care of him. I'm in charge of this one. We'll take him to eat and do everything. That's my brother. He ain't heavy. He's my brother.

But that was my luck. Now, here's the funny thing, that there was a bunch of lambs and there was a bunch of fake wolves. Like, there was a biker wolf. But he was a fake motherfucker because I knew that the white wolf, and he wasn't a KKK wolf.

See, you still got the other white dude that's a KKK wolf. Then you got the other dude, that's a biker wolf, okay? The biker wolf, his posse was weak. I knew that from day one, from looking at him. He killed the guy, involuntary manslaughter in a bar, the weapon, the whole thing. But I could tell he was living off reputation.

The KKK white dude, he didn't fuck around. But the reason why he dug me was he did H. He did H, and I fed him. I used to take care of him. But he was no threat. The KKK dudes in there weren't dick. John. John Clark, that was a white dude that you'd respect.

Like, he was one of those white dudes that you look at and go, motherfucker's just cool. Like De Niro and, you know, heat. When he saw the black dude, the black dude in his hook, and they knew each other. Like, they were down. Like, you know, the white boy's solid, though. I don't get who are the name.

It's like when John Gotti went to prison, he teamed up with the brothers. That was unheard of. They were half of the big. Half the beef that they had with him was that John Gotti went to Sing Sing and joined basses with the brothers. He didn't give a fuck about color. He came from hunger, and those were his partners. So he joined up with this black lion up in Sing Sing.

A lot of people don't know that about John Gotti. John Gotti was bad like that. He was just a cold white dude. Like, look at the way he dresses it. Shit. Dapper Don. So John Clark was that white dude. John Clark was that white dude.

that white dude. Like, I still think of John Clark. He was my brother in that. But Antoine Spence and John Clark were tight. They didn't play that black-white shit. They were tight. They loved each other. Then you had the one dude, you know,

they hate white people. Click. Everybody. No, that's the one black click. That's like a small click. Like the black is relaxed. And they got glasses and they always try to drop knowledge on you. They always try to be the dude from that band.

that's dropping knowledge on you. What's the Chuck, not Chuck B, but the other guy. Chuck D? No. Corby gaming, man? No, yeah. KRS 1.

They're all like that. You know, you're hanging out with the opposite brother, you know, that type of shit. I'm hanging out with black people, you're still mad. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Oh, my, I can see if I don't love the black people. I work in the motherfucking kitchen

and you still give me a hard time. Yeah, because you're hanging out with those weird hunkies. What difference is it makes? What difference does it make? So, like, who's harder to deal with as for, like, a lamb? Is the wolf or the line? Like, I imagine maybe the lion doesn't mess with people unless he's messed with. I don't know.

How does it work? The line don't mess with nobody. It's really weird. The lines I ran with didn't mess with nobody. They kept it smooth. Nobody messed with them. And they took a cut from time to time of shit that was going on. But not that, you know, people just knew Antoine.

They knew he was, first of all, he was in charge of the kitchen. He was from New Orleans. He wasn't very intelligent. But when you spoke to him, he was cool and he was funny. But I learned a lot in my stint. And when I got locked up, I learned a lot. No, the. You too?

Not, I learned from on their, I learned. My God. And mostly about people. Yes. People, what people are made of and what makes people tick. And how to be diplomatic. Yeah, that's it. And how to deal with people.

And it's the weirdest thing when you're inside how much you learn from old men. Old men take you under their wing and they give you that understanding. Hey, man, look, you need everybody. You need everybody in here. So you got to understand the difference. When you, when you are lying, it's different ways to become a lion. A lot of different ways. Okay. Can there be young lions?

Oh, yeah. I was a young lion. Very young lion. And the problem is, this is how you become a lion when everybody takes interest in you and what he's in. Let me tell you the number one thing that brings people together. It's what they call Kitma, food, pots and pans. Any time you can break bread with somebody, you can bring them together. in prison what do we do the most spread we ate together every we always ate together we it is you don't you don't leave nobody hungry in prison give me a hand brother i don't care what hand you get me last night i'm a 60 minute type of motherfucker on sundays you know me since this is day one 60 minutes is my shit But last night, I was not there at 7 to control the TV. So the girls janked my shit.

And they put on America's funniest videos. And the first thing I was sitting there, I went right back to 1987, the first weekend I was in prison. That's when white people watch. Like the real white dudes, the ones that are in there for DUIs and shit like that. That's what the channel, they all watching themselves. I hooked up with a white dude that was in college, the first weekend I was there. But I couldn't watch America's front. these videos. Black people

and Mexicans, they're America's most wanted type motherfuckers on Sundays. That's our shit. Don't be saying the motherfucking word, because I might know one of these homies and shit. I just want to watch and see what we're doing that. Yeah, we're just doing it. Look, this dumb motherfucker going to run. Like, but you were in there? And there's

always somebody like, ain't you in here for the same thing? I ain't even do my shit like that. Yeah, I didn't do my my shit was clean, dog. My white bitch hooked me up. This white bitch fucked me up. And it was funny because I hung out in the age unit. Oh, my God. And it was every color.

It didn't matter. The age unit was every fucking color. And there was one black dude who was already losing patches of hair. He was in bad shape. I used to make him laugh. You know what I'm saying? I used to make him go back there. And I'd say shit to him that I learned when I came from Cuba, a black history.

I used to make him laugh and shit. And he would get up and I go, you know what? I did something good today. Even though I was in prison, did something good. Let me tell you what else I did when I was locked up. I used to fucking sell this dude used to make nachos. He was a fat Italian dude. And he couldn't get through to the blacks and the Mexicans. They didn't like him. You know, he just, he was a mafia dude. But he was cool, but he was so introverted that he didn't know. He would make

the nachos. People got, so only a few people sold nachos from, I made, that motherfucker made me his partner. I made him a millionaire in that motherfucker dog. And then the gambling, I made him a millionaire. He could only move one card on a Monday night. I had him moving three cards. Monday, Sunday, Saturday, college football. I had them betting hockey. I had white

people betting hockey. People don't know how big how big gambling is in prison. Oh, my God. Like the numbers is still being... I was killing him in there with football cards. Killed.

of them. Like, I'm talking about, do you understand, you can become a in-prison kingpin with running a good gambling game. It's like, it's like West End in Archie

Malcolm X type numbers game. It's like the real, it's like Dutch salts numbers. Because the running the gambling is in Mexicans do it well too, because they pot to be big. be crazy and you just you just mean it's insane it's insane what happens if you get transferred to

another prison what happens to your all your debts man you you you spread food around you make sure you got stamps so you can read you can reload up but here's the other thing let's say I'm going to a place that ain't cool I'm tight with my brother he's going to contact him he's gonna write him a letter the first thing and so my dog is on his way when he gets there give him what you got. You can send mail between prisoners? Yeah. In those days, I don't know about now.

The way we do it now is you, say Joy, like, he know where he's going. Are you going to, um. I'm going to camp George West. I'm going to fucking, right, whatever. Yo, when you're going to, you're going to, you're going to Joe. Hey, look, you're going to get there. It's going to be this cat.

His name asked for him. And, and if he's not there, you ask for something. They're going to sit, you're going to get, have a name. and people gonna know who saying what and sent it because you you wouldn't be able to ask for this person because you wouldn't know they was there you wouldn't just randomly know that they was there so we send it we send it the on the word through through him so he ain't got to and then we sent it where it was some other people hey you're going with you going because you're not catching the chain by yourself you know you other people gonna be on the chain yo wherever y'all going you make sure you look out for money and you're going to you're going to you make sure you look out for money and you're going you're going and we're going to look and we're going to make sure we check because we know we know we know

we know we're going he already told where he was going I know there's like there's no question I'd be a lamb but I have a problem I trust the wrong person like I trust everybody how do you know who to trust in prison now your instincts better than that if you are if

but you there's a way you could become that you are a lamb but there's a way you become a useful lamb and people don't fuck with you exactly but that does it involve I don't want me gay. Okay, the librarian. You're the librarian in my prison.

Oh, yeah, I can do that. He's a writ writer. He's the grievance writer. He's the grievance writer. Yep. So guess what? You make yourself valid. You're Jewish.

Oh, okay. You figure out how to make money for the lives. And you work in the front office. Ain't no, when you figure out how to make money for people, ain't nobody going to touch it. Let me tell you. That's it. Nobody touches you. Money is everything.

Here we go. Here we go. This is, you work in the front office. Right. This is your, this is what you have access to. And I am an SSI and I have access to the hallway, which have access to you. Joey just got a case. He got a case.

The officer writes it up. It's going to the front office. How are you going to figure out, how Joy going to figure out how to get to you to say you to get that paper? He going to talk to me. Hey, Joy going to say, boom, boom, boom. I'm coming down the hallway. I'm going to say, yo, my man, my man, Joey got the case, X, Y, and Z. We got three cans of suit, two bags of coffee.

We got a little situation. We got to get that paperwork. Then all of a sudden, this paperwork ends up under my broom. And then I say, hey, John, boom. That's your, I'm not even, hey, I'm not telling you that I got rid of it. I'm handing him his case. He can tear the case up. they don't never know where the case came from

because prisoners run the prison unbeknownst to everybody if prison if prisoners ever just decided hey man today is that day what they gonna do it's it's

it's it's not even possible you can't stop it even now with all the cameras you can still do stuff like that man you can do whatever you want you see what happened in Rikers Island no what happened fucking guards in the hospital

They fractured his spine with a punch So they had some gang members They have the camera I'm just getting fucking shocked Well, they have They're getting cell phones now And like some I see some in people Have like Instagram accounts

Like they're all like I swear to God Well posting Post and pictures of his stuff In his cell Y'all see what they do videos Like man I don't give damn what you doing Locked

I wish you would post a picture You locked a lock That'd be the first time You see some thumbs down On your damn thing See, when I walked in, the first people who came to me with two biker dudes, they both came to me with the story that they were from New York and shit. And we got you here, hang out with me, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I didn't trust them at first. I don't trust nobody. Just like what you said. I don't know nobody. I talked to you. Yeah, whatever. Right, right, right. And then when I got a job in the kitchen, the black dude, Antoine Spencer,

pulled me inside and said, stay away from those dudes. They're fucking junkies. They got the kiss of death. Got him. One minute they're your friends, the next minute they're going for your money. How old was he? How old was who? Antoine Fisher.

When I was 25, Antoine had to be 48. Gold tooth, fucked up natural. Exactly. But. A old man. The older dude was the dude who dropped knowledge. The barber. He cut your hair with a straight razor.

Malik. Oh, my God. That's my Malik. That's my Malik. Straight razor to cone. I learned a lot of lessons from that dude. Because him and whatever, he was a line in his own way. He wasn't involved in nothing, but he was a line.

Nobody dared to touch him. Nobody dead to touch him. So the dude, the librarian, was a geek, but he had murdered somebody. So people knew not to fuck with him, but he was still a geek. Those guys, the biker dudes, there was two dudes that were pirani. There was three groups that were really piranian on people. The Mexicans, the KKK, and the biker white dudes. Once the bike of white dudes, and I started, once I aligned myself with the kitchen,

which is basically John Clark and some cool black dudes that wasn't involved in nothing, I was cool. Once I was in the kitchen, I was cool. I had it down. I knew when the good food came in. I knew what was shitty. I knew what to tell my brothers. I knew who wanted extra red beans.

And you know. I knew who wanted a piece of cornbread. And you follow me, you start learning. So you make yourself useful. That's the main thing. You never had to ask for protection. You never. It's never, somebody trying to take your manhood.

It's simply you are a friend. And if somebody dare put their hand on you, people know you got something to deal with. And it's not just you. it's another it's a lot I think man in prison people understand like whatever your viewpoint is

about black people brown people whatever you want to cause if you in dire straits this is my thing have you you ever walk down

through a black neighborhood we just look at you we not attacking you just look at you like you must be crazy what are you doing all this my ex-girlfriend

lived in Englewood where they filmed training day so like there were groups of guys who would sit out it blew my mind the first time I saw it they were just sitting on turned over shopping carts and just hanging out and they were just the drug deal

and apparently like they were well-known they would help her elderly mother with groceries they were nice they didn't mess with anybody, but they were always there. Mm-hmm. I never felt unsafe. I wouldn't really go that late at night, though, to be honest, but fucking in the middle of the day, it wasn't scary.

But you still went over. Oh, yeah. Because something can happen to you in the middle of the days. You know, how many things we did in the middle of the day, Joe? I was my working hours. In the middle of the day. I didn't give a fuck. Crime is crime.

You'll me tell you. I'm going to tell you guys one of my most embarrassing story. ever grown up. It doesn't involve molestation that's like this. Let me tell you how crazy I was when I was eight years old. From the age of eight to 11,

I got shaken down on the way into the house and on the way out of the house. For what? Everything. That's how crazy I was. My mother caught me with a knife when I was eight on a Sunday. That was when everything changed me.

That's when I went to, maybe seven. She caught me with a James Bond knife. The putting bond 1970 knives, see if they got them, just to show you what I had that in my pocket when I was seven years old. This is what I. Just to show you the frame of mind I got. Because I lived on 88th Street with white people, but on the weekends I go to 148 with my Santeria godmother. And I would run with these crazy fucking, there was every inexticity, you know, except fucking white. And these guys hustled for a living.

They did everything. So I got caught with one of these knives And my mother had it The one on the way at the end, the red See that red one there? That thing on the red thing? That's an old bond knife When I was seven

I had one of those There you go New York history There you go, motherfuckers Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? No, let me tell you. 1970s, New York City punk rock scene

I kicked out there Seven years old people. That's what I carried on me. I want you to look at that when I was seven. So my mother caught me on the Sunday with that. And that was the end of that. Not to mention I had the knife. I had $50 cash.

You know, I had comic books. She's like, what the fuck are you doing? Where the fuck are you getting this fucking money from? And I go to the fucking bar. Every time I go to the bar. So she told all her friends this, I was put on Shakedown. Which they told all my friends not to give them. They were not allowed to give me money.

Some of them listened to her. Some of them would still give me a 20 on the side when she wasn't watching. So I would take the money I would make and go up to 148 on the weekends and go crazy. And I went into a store and bought that knife. They sold me that knife in a fucking store when I was seven years old. How much do you think it cost? It was $10, $7. I don't, whatever the fucking cost, it didn't matter.

So after that, when I would leave for school in the mornings, I would get shaken down. And let me tell you some, that didn't stop me. I used to have to roll up my pants. You know how you roll up your pants? I used to hide the money in there. They caught me. I did everything. They caught me every time.

Then I started hiding shit outside the house. I didn't get trusted until I was probably 13. And even then, they knew I was hell on wheels. At what point, this is what my special is. about trying to get those that was inside. At one point

do you say to yourself enough is enough? Because I, I, like my cousin, my cousin is one of these people who, he pulls up on the life board of all the trouble

that you can get yourself into. He pulls up everything. And he doesn't, he doesn't pick, he doesn't pick one thing he picks several things I pick drug dealing I say well

I sell drugs that's my that's gonna be my bad thing that I'm gonna do but like you you said kidnapping what else aggravated robbing

secondary burglary burglary accessory to a felony accessory to a felony but over the years Over the years? Over the years I was just a punk-ass thief.

And the, so... That's what my specialty was, for real. But I knew how to sell drugs. You looked on the board and said, I'm gonna pick six things that I'm gonna do. My cousin picked like eight.

Like, he do everything. Like, he, um, and then he'd get busted with some shit that I didn't, I didn't even know even existed. they don't they don't you know when you get charged um with pimping over state line they don't charge you with pimping they charge you with what they call white slavery it's it's crazy he had two white girls that he was pimping and it's gonna get charged with white slavery yes i said

What type of 1740 law are you a bunch of you? Now, where was this in Texas? In California. Okay, so where were the white girls from? They was from here. Wait, are you saying it's worse because there was white women? And he got charged with taking them to Mississippi. Oh, my God.

So who charges you with that? Mississippi or California? Mississippi charged you with that. Don't bring white women here. White slavery. Put on Tony Bennett. I got to think of this before a second. This is crazy.

I've heard it. That's never been on law and order. That's why. They've got to make a law and order about that motherfucker. It can't be, just like, what do they charge you with? If you get caught bringing Chinese women through Galveston, they charge them. Asian slavery.

Asian slavery. This song came out. Next Monday, this song is 50. He's fucking five years old. 55 years old. Came out on my birthday. Can you believe this shit? A couple days before you're special.

February 23rd, motherfuckers. You're excited about that. I am excited. I saw the trailer. You got the trailer on, Nantley? Yeah, I can get you. Let me give some shout-outs while you get the trailer going.

The trailer's fucking spectacular. When your agent called me, who I think the world of, I was like, are you fucking kidding me? Then he sent me the trailer. I'm like, oh, my God, fucking beautiful. How about a crystal old? My main man, happy birthday to you. Dickie Syatt, Lauren Rosinker, Brian Madgeor,

George Waugh, Danny Deans, Jose Gamma, Josh and Jersey, Copie Jensen, Cody Jenkins, and Ryan Schwartz. You always got to end with a Jew. You don't want no problems with the Jews. If you get a minute, I want you to go to YouTube and pull in the side. Elise, Deakin's bigger than these bars.

and watch the trailer. Listen, 20 years ago, he was doing time, guys. Okay, he could have been caught in the city. He could have been a thousand different places. Now, he knows it. He knows it. That's why when he gets off a plane,

he rubs his feet twice in the plane land. He does every voodoo shit there is, just like Uncle Joey. It's in our blood because we know how lucky we could have been. We could have been in that hole, making those videos on lockup with no teeth and shit. Yeah Go ahead,

Proheadedly Most people don't know that I was incarcerated for six years That's why I came back To do my special here Thank y'all for being here Now, it's not like

y'all had a choice I play in the over 40 basketball Lee shot the ball Hit the jumper Back went out You know When you go out A gym on a stretcher

You know you can never Go back to the gym Again Not a lot of Cushion I feel they're very quick Gabriel Cranny. The officer said,

I'm gonna see about you seeing a jug, but right now we need to put you in this hole to say. I am embarrassed for somebody who got busted the first time with five kilos of Coke. Now you got me here on the goddamn half of blunt.

I'm ashamed of me and you. Oh, the boy getting ready. How you? They're all over this bitch. You know what, man? Comedy Central did a go in this time. They really did, my brother. That really did.

I'm very proud of you from the fucking art. because people understand how it is to get out of that fucking system for Christ's sakes and you guys know that on the church page on Facebook you guys go on there and you tell me your stories

and you're gonna do time or you're hooked on these fucking pills or whatever the fuck you're gonna be get past this one day you're gonna get past this bro if I Lee got past his ghost then I got past mine you'll get past yours I promise you

but it's just not gonna happen you got to work on a little bit you got to show up on this fucking thing to make it better bro I want to hear about your racist shit and all your other shit that's bullshit when you're on a mission you're on a mission they don't care what color you are

when you're on a mission you're on a mission so please don't insult my fucking intelligence I look like a fucking gorilla I'm a hundred pounds overweight you know I'm saying stop stop it's time to fucking go for it's February 2018 people go to prison all the

fucking time. You want to sit in that motherfucker? Sit in that motherfucker. But there's another side to this. You know, they put you on this planet to go on a fucking do something good. You know, like to do something fucking good. You know what shitty I felt for years being in that fucking system? Being shaken down by

my mother. When I was a kid, I used to have to put my hands up like a fucking animal. You fucking kidding me or what? Alisa Dinkin this motherfucker. Did you have like a metal detector? Look at homie. Homie's down. Down but not out. He's not pulling the Saratiana.

He didn't know when old Benjamin got up and walked out of here. You know what I'm saying? Homies just sitting there. Look at him. Like Marvin Gayne in 71. I don't get a fuck, dang. I don't give a fuck. I'm living in Belgium.

That's where he lived. See, he went to Belgium for a reason. That's kind of fishy, isn't it? No, he went to do drugs. He was a junkie. Oh, okay. He got pissed off. He went to Motown.

He wanted the same freedom that Stevie Wonder had on his albums to create. He didn't want to do no fucking doo-wob shit. with that chick no more. What was the girl's name? Marvin Gay. No. No, you know what I'm talking about. Marvin Gay and.

God damn it. He didn't want to do that no more. So he wanted the same freedom as fucking Stevie won that. Tammy Terrell. Tammy Terrell. So he went and he fucking naturally put on this. Did you ever see a video on him? On the couch.

Yeah, him singing, laying down and shit. Like fucking nothing. We played it last time I was in. Yeah. Okay. I love him. That's why. We won't play it again because I can see it again.

No, because I'm going to think about fucking these stories. Do you know I called you? And I'm going to get up and stab a motherfucker in the middle of the night. I don't want to hear this shit that he was gay. I haven't like. Do you know I called you when Moses passed? Yes, I think you did. Yeah.

I think you did. Yeah, we spoke, man. Yeah. I don't know why. You was the first person I thought about when Moses passed. And I was with him like the week, the week before. And I thought about you. And another thing I thought I thought about when I was in Minnesota,

because they love you in Minnesota, too. Yeah, yeah, the church comes out of Minnesota, dog. And the full effect, oh, the church comes out at the house in Minnesota. They're fucking good people. One of these days, we're going to, I'm going to get you in Houston for 420, man. This year, I'm in Columbus. They already got me. I'm in the fucking Columbus.

Every year, man. I mean, I'll do something in Houston. I like going to Houston, man. And I got to take Lee for a few days. Lee got to go to Houston. I take him to Austin I've been promising in Houston for a couple fucking years

I feel bad He says I'm not gonna come home He's not gonna come home That's what I'm scared of I'll lose him I keep hearing you talk about you Doing this weight watch thing Yeah I'm down to 291 No way

I started a 309 December 9th And I weighed in to that tonight That 299 was fucking with you For like months Yeah it was holding on And then she told me She told me I went in there

I lost a pound And I go I was hard broke and she goes you flew two weeks in a row so you retain water when you fly and so you won't you you want you are you only I promise you

something I promise you something you and the flying you together don't have to work out of nothing you want me to boost it and get you and get you down about 12 pounds without doing nothing

absolutely and just and just call me if it worked for you just call me to say, you did it. Can I do it like 10 times? Huh? Yeah, I'm going to tell you something. I'm going to tell you something real quick.

Just to do. It's a, it's, it's an herbal laxative. Ooh. Listen to me. I'm in for it. Herbal laxative.

Call. I got a meat tushy. I'm good. Swiss Chris. Get your bottle, Swiss Chris. Listen to me. Follow these directions very, very carefully.

Only take it at night. Before you get ready to go to bed. Just take it at night. Start off with four, just take four pills at night before you go to bed. Then do that for one week.

Okay. Then the second week, break it down to two pills. Every night before you go to bed. Don't, you don't have to do nothing. Just do that. Right.

And call me in two weeks. So four pills every night before you go to bed. For how long? A week. A week. And then after that, what is it? Two pills.

Two pills. Am I going to shit the bed? O'Le? Nope. You just wake up in the morning and go to town. All that old stuff comes out. Yep. Well, you're going to lose 100 pounds.

That's all you thought. And it's going to be all the bad meat. All the bad toxins and that you don't need and all the bad gases that you don't need. I'm telling you. I don't know if my house is insured for this. No. Swiss Chris. Swiss.

I'm going to look up right now. Yep. Get two bottles, me. It worked. Oh, I know. I believe it, too. Watch it.

And I'm telling you, pull up any old pictures or old videos of me and see how heavy I was. And then I did the Chris with. How are you like kidneys? This is okay? Like, you get to shit everything out? Is my blood pressure go up and shit like that? It's on Amazon.

It's, and it's in Walgreens and, Definitely Walgreens. Yeah, right there. $11, I'm going to lose 12 pounds? No, no, $8. Watch this. The $8 right there.

Let me tell you what's funny. When I first started using it, you know how much this bottle costs? How much? $4. People actually found out about the end in the big bottle, the big bottle was $8. You look at it now, it's like $11. $11, $15, $13 in some place. People found out about this and then it doubled because that shit actually works.

Without you, without no type of side effects, nothing, you're not tripping. You just really releasing all the stuff that you actually don't need. And then your body just energizes itself out of nowhere. What if I come in like 40 pounds lighter next week? That's crazy. You eat 200 of those. And what's crazy. That make you burp, anything, any side effects,

they have a burp, fart, in the middle of night. You, once you take it, it just works on you at night while you sleep. You don't have to do nothing. Then when you get up in the morning, it flushes you. Then you do that. Same thing. Every, every night, it flushes, and it starts to flush all those, it pushes all those old meals.

And so then every time you eat, you'll see that you start going to rest of, So now your body starts to go back into the actual cycle that it was when you was a child, which when you was your healthiest. One meal in, one meal out. You're not keeping, you're not keeping nothing. You're not keeping nothing sitting in your stomach rotten causing all these gases and all of a reason. You flushing everything out. And then you'll notice, this is what you, you'll drive around trying to find somewhere to park close. your body is so energized

wherever you see a parking space you would just park and you would just walk and you would naturally start doing it before you know it your pants don't fit and you're like how often can I do this

cleanse can I just do it for a month straight could I juice like with just Swiss Chris all night oh my God and you can't there you go people there you go you learn something new on the church every fucking time

You learned about prison. You learned about Swiss Chris. I'm going to give it a try because I believe in this too. I believe in this type of stuff. And I did it and I got 32 pounds off myself. Oh my God. And how long? It was like maybe three months and I was I was I've been one I've been fluctuating me in between 143 and 150 for least

four or five years now. How often do you do a Swiss Chris run? And when I every time I feel like I've eaten bad which I don't really eat bad anymore I do a Chris Swiss thing and then I start doing it with other people

when I turn them on to say I know I'm doing I'm doing it with you so you know hey I'm and then I get too thin and then I stop because it just flushes you man. I can think about a Swiss miss right now something chocolate

with marshmallows and shit you can get extra marshmallows and doping up because those stupid small marshmallows are terrible and still have it you want it

I could drink it I was thinking I'll drink Swiss Christmas Swiss miss but Hey man I'm just I'm really proud of you

thank you I'm really proud of your journey I'm happy you got it on time I know you're back in the valley tomorrow right you'll be up here with Bert tomorrow morning I'm back out

it was awesome I have Bert's afterwards and say hello, holler at you guys. He's not going to have one on the shirt. I know he's not. That's all right. He has a nice fan. You've done his podcast before. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's cool.

It's cool. Yeah, I love it. We all got your back, tweet it out. We'll tweet it, you know, we'll live watch it. One day I'm going to complete the, I'm going to complete the trifecta. I'm going to get Ali out, you know, you, Ari, Bert, and I'm going to finally try to crack Joe Rogan. If I get all, if I get all your eye for comp, I have actually a cop.

How about three out of four? Oh, no, no, or be on our podcast? Yeah, I've been on your podcast twice. Yes. I've been on birds twice. I've been on Ries twice. I've never been on Joe. I will try to get John Jones.

And that would be like, I'd be like this. I got the four horsemen. I get the four, I got the four horse. Because that's all people say, you need this new Joe. I'm like, I've been on all the rest of them. I'm satisfied. I didn't know. I didn't know.

I thought you did Joe's when you were here for one of the tapings. Ari got you on there. I didn't know. I've never done Joe. Because Ari would always try to get you on or do something, man.

Any dates you got coming up? Oh, man. I'm in D.C. Um, the 15th to the 18th. At the impron. At the D.C. Improv.

That's a good little club, man. That ceiling is low in there. Yeah, man. It's small. It's perfect. They got good. food in the fucking neighborhood is a nice little place they got illegal bud yeah yeah and i'm happy to be there it's my first time coming there by myself i've been there with d l i've been there

with bill but it's the first time people get a chance to see that you know i'm i'm not just a a comic i'm more of a storyteller and my show is more like theater it's like a play and you know i'm i'm going places you know and and i don't want people to be trapped in the one whatever they think comedy is. You know, everybody's show is different. Your show is different from my show. My show is different from D.L. show. Your show is different from R.A. show.

Everybody has their own show. So don't box me into what you already have some notion. Because some people will be upset that I don't do prison stories. And some people would be upset that why he not running around. I'm like, that's not who I am. You know, I'm who I am. Just like with my special, you know. I'm being the same person.

If you see the trailer, you see I'm sitting down. So don't be surprised when I walk out sitting down. If you saw my half hour, I sat down on my half hour. That's who I am. Sometimes I walk out and sit down and people are like, are you okay? I'm like, no, I'm fine. Are you okay? Obviously, you never seen me before, which you was walking past and decided to walk in here.

You know, because this is actually who I am. You're sitting down? People are very arrogant at comedy club, very arrogant. And my show is my show is my show, and I want people to come enjoy what I do and not expect me to do what somebody else does. You got a webpage, they go out and get dates and whatnot. After you're special, I'm sure you want to talk,

people want to see, you know, they want to touch you. Most of my dates are on my Instagram, Ali Sadie. My website is Ali Sadie, Al-I-S-D-D-I-Q. And Ali underscore speaks is my Twitter. Facebook is Ali Sadie. So, you know, you want to see why I'm mad. I post everything up. You know, I'm in Philly.

Then I'm back in Houston. Then I'm in, yeah, I'm in D.C. first. Then I'm in Philly. And I'm very excited about coming to the punchline in March, man. And that's a place that I've always wanted to play any punchline. Because one, even though they say whatever he did, because Richard Pryd was big in punchlines and I still want to do them, man.

It's big to me. And I'm just happy that you're moving forward and you're still beautiful. And you got to stop by. That's it. I'm happy for you, man. Congratulations. Again, Comedy Central.

Man. February 23rd, Ali, in the motherfucking house. Friday, Friday, that's right. Friday, man. It's Friday. So, this Friday? No, the week after President's Day. After my birth, I remind you, motherfucker.

Don't worry about nothing. Man, you know I have a billboard on Sunset and Los Angeles. Do you really? Dead serious. They put a huge billboard up on the sunset. How many pictures do you take of it? Man, we took so many pictures every day. It's all on my Instagram, me running up the street when I first saw.

It's crazy, man. I got a bill. And then I'm going to New York because I'm going to do the opposition, and Desmero on Vice. And they have two billboards. up in Times Square, so I'm excited just to go and see it, man. That's what I'm talking about, baby. Thank you, brother.

Again, if he comes to your neighborhood, give him some love. Don't forget to watch the special February 23rd, and I remind you, I want to thank Alisa Dique for coming back on the show. Don't forget a special February 23rd on Comedy Central. But now, for a word from our sponsor, Blue Apron is the leading meal kit delivery service in the U.S., And while many people know what we do, many don't know about the types of meals you eat

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Like I said, Blue Apron is treating you $30 off your first order if you visit BlueAprin.com slash Joey. So you got the menu, go to Blue Apron. It's a better way to cook. Number two, listen, I go on the road, I drop razors,

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harries.com slash church right now. That's harries. com slashchurch.com. com slash church. And this podcast is also brought to you by Sunset Erbil. One of my favorite fucking weed stores in the world. They're open up at 6 a.m. to 10 o'clock at night.

They got everything you need. If you know what I'm talking about, okay? You know what I'm talking about? You want to be solid? You want to run with the fucking savages? Go to Sunset Herbal. If Sky is working, you get a free fucking joint on Uncle Joey. That's how we're rolling. All right. So I want to thank Harries.com one more time. I want to thank Blue Apron.com one more time. to thank Sunset Urban one more time.

Ali Sidique, I want to thank the Christ Killer. Don't forget Wednesday's Ash Wednesday. I'll tell you what I'm giving up tomorrow. I haven't figured out yet, but I'm giving off something. It ain't going to be other words like last year. That was a mistake. I'll never give it about it was like that. I've got to deal with this showmoke over here.

Anyway, I love your cock suckers. See you Wednesday. Alabama! I'm coming home to you. 10th Planet Decatur is coming down. Go to fucking stand-up live, come right now, go to Allop. We're going to Huntsville.

Uncle Joey's coming to Huntsville. That's it. We're fucking, it's all over. Bring the reefer and the fucking shotguns. All right? I'll see you cocksuckers Wednesday. Stay black. I love you.