The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #561 - Sam Tripoli

Episode Date: February 22, 2018

Sam Tripoli, a Comedian and co-host of the, "Punch Drunk Sports" and "Tin Foil Hat" Podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Harry's - Get your FREE trial shave set at Harrys.com/CHURCH Square Space - Go to squarespace.com and use promo code "church' for 10% off of your first purchase of a website or domain.    Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 02/21/2018.
  

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That's harries.com slash church. Lee, stick a finger at that mule's ass. It's Wednesday, cock sucker. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Uncle Joey, Sam Trippley, the Christ killer. Lee, raised this motherfucker. I want the speakers to light up. The devil's in the house.

Are you fucking kidding me? I've been on the right trail. But it's in a bad, when it was good. My head is in a bad thing. One of the last time you heard this fucking monster. I've been running and trying to. Dr. John.

Up in my mind. Just got to give myself a good talking to this time. Doesn't need a little brain style of surgery. Oh Got too cute I'm my insecurity That I've been in a wrong place Oh shit

It must have been the right time It must have been a wrong song Isn't like a wrong on Dropping on you motherfuckers on a Thursday morning Who the fucking think you're swinging with today? You want to get up and sling dick Or you want to get up and walk around Like a fucking zambo like every day

It's the church of what's happened now, cock suckers My little brother, Sammy Tripps And my other little brother fucking the fucking main Christ killer. Last week, Lee and I was sitting here after a podcast Stoned to the Gills. He said something that he had done one of Tripoli shows and blah, blah, blah.

He goes, you know, man, I gotta tell you, Tripoli's a bit crazy, but he's a really good guy. And this is, you know, he's just a young kid. Yeah. I am crazy. I'm sitting in that chair and I go, you know what, man? Call him what you want. He's been here for 20 years swinging.

Like Pete Rose, diving, you know, some people, sometimes people show for a while. He had chicks on stage, a midget on a bicycle, that poor kid that you made him lose 100 pounds in the bunny suit. You broke that poor kid. That motherfucker left here like old Benjamin lost 100 pounds, stopped drinking. He was selling souvenirs in Hollywood. He just broke that poor bastard. Oh, Skippy, I love him.

Yeah. Where is he? I don't know, man. He got mad at me for a while. I don't know, dude. took it silly he went to fucking like psychiatry some dudes go deep

like you go deep and you come back some people don't come back I respect the fuck out of guys like you in this town I respect the fuck out of comics that have stayed pure to their game because every once in a while you see like a good friend of your comic and I was like I tell you I was doing

direct the film and you know here's another one yeah the humble brag the reservation the humble brag that's not going nowhere in other words he's telling you I'm not going to do comedy no more because I'm going to do this. I'm not going to put that much focus on it because you gave up. You saw what the fuck this war was about. This is fucking apocalypse now, bitch.

Yeah, dog. This is apocalypse now. I am sick and fucking tired of people thinking that you just stroll into fucking California and they hand you a spot at the store or you're entitled. Like, who the fuck are you? Yeah. You have to dog it out here. You know, the best thing I'm at you.

I ever did the last 10 years for myself was go to that fourth wall with Lisa I had. I thank them every fucking day because it made me even more of a Jew. Like it made me even worse because it remembered what it felt like when you lived in Vegas. Be in the trench. You forget, like you forgot about it. Yeah. Go to like a stringy open mic where there's no booze, nothing. Look at their hearts.

Look at their eyes and go, this used to be me. Yeah. Thinking of being where I am today. Yeah. Dreaming. Yeah. Sitting in a room with six of those guys going, you know what? Out of us six, it's going to be me in 20 years.

That takes fucking balls and persistence. And I called you like a lunatic. I was high as fuck. I get that by that school. Me and Lee were high as fuck. And I go, you know what, bro? You're crazy, but you're still here. And I know a lot of people that came into this town

that were going to light this town on fire with reputations, that they're gone. And I see it. And I see a lot of people that got fake reputations because, listen, these people that you see in ho-ho and he-he, they ain't at the store hand-to-hand combine in a way. Yeah. You know, the improv is a great club and a great chain, and the laugh factory is a great club and a great chain. But get caught up at the comedy sw on a Tuesday night behind Chris DeLeer after Bobby Lee went on stage. And you're fucking hard.

I threw this fucking savage on stage at the original room just to show. The OR, dude. How long did you do? seven minutes I think so what did you think it was like first of all did you hate me after no I was I was and I tried to talk about it and the crowd didn't like it like I was trying to get a little sentimental

at the beginning because that I came there before I even met you but they applaud did you no no they liked me they liked me when I did stand up when I was doing when I said started doing jokes but they like I went up and I started I was just like hey man this is really cool for me like this my my first time at the store I came here as a tourist and it was silent like it wasn't good at all but then I went in and I started

well there's a few jokes that I have and I was fucked up I was kind of high so half of like I think like maybe half to three quarters was the jokes and the rest of it was I was a little high which the church people love but it was a you're loved dude oh yeah of course you're one of the most loved dudes I know

when you get on stage it really it's funny what happens to comedians when they see somebody else on stage. Like, now you're a Marine. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, if I don't know you and I walk into a place and I see you in a Chinese restaurant dying on stage, when you walk off that stage, I'm going to shake your hand. Yeah.

Nobody else. I'm going to really shake your hand and go, I've been there. Right. I know what it is to get on stage when people eating. And they won't look at you. And like that. You don't know what abuse is. And I was trying to say that, but like, I didn't get, like, I didn't want to.

like the store is pretty cool and I didn't want any of like the door guys or young comics to think who've been doing it for years longer than me that I was taking that like that opportunity for granted and no it was just it was a I think anyone would ever think that it was one of the coolest experiences of my life like it was a I'm glad I got to do Austin a few weeks ago

because that one was really crazy that was a different kind of crazy there was I think probably a few more people there just at the bigger room But, and I was talking, I was, at first I thought it might freak me out, but I looked to the side and there were two of the guys from the fourth wall. Literally, like, the first row on the stage right to the side of me. And I even said, oh, shit, Eric's here. Like, it made me feel kind of almost at home.

Like, it made me feel safer because, like, those two guys were there, your magic leave. And, uh, and they, no, they took the ride. I, I, I, I, I was, when I was high and it, this was a little scary when you, when you, when you, kind of like blank on what you wanted to say. Oh, yeah. And it's obvious. Like, I don't have the skills yet to, like, kind of make it seem like I didn't blank. And I forgot.

But then it was kind of cool because it can't, like, I remembered later on the set. And that might have been the biggest laugh of the night when I said, oh, that's why I brought that up. And they went crazy. So that, it was just a. Did your leg shake? Was your heart beat? Oh, my heart was beating.

Did you feel like puking? Did you? Well, I don't. I don't know. You know, I mean, I just want to know. Here's the thing. What you were thinking. I don't know exactly how much of what is to blame, but I had a really terrible Uber

drive down there. Like I was doing like $45 down in Little Canyon, so I thought I was going to get sick. I didn't think I was going to be able to go on. But then when people started getting there, they were like, oh, that's just because you're doing the store. I was like, oh. Well, dude, a couple things I've heard of you say. I just want to give you a congratulations on.

The thing about the O.R is that you have to be so much in the moment. And the fact that you just talked and recognize your friend and then you go back, you're like, ah, that's why I was bringing that up. That is what that room is. I've watched that room humble everybody. David Tell, Daniel Tosh, everybody. I've only seen one person ever go in there and it was their first time doing it, or at least the first time I'd seen them do it.

And they did well. And the Goddod's truth, the only person I've ever seen do it is Sarah Silverman. And she filed Caparillo during his fuck when he was like his star was at its brightest. and I was blown away by how well she went up there because I'd never seen her and I'd been at the store for about five or six years night in, night out. She went in there.

So the fact you went up there and you ate it a little bit, that is basically the ritual that we all have to go through. You know, the jump in that becomes the OR where you just have to go through it to get to it, man. And the fact that you've got to laugh, put you in head of people I know who I have a lot. Aaron Cater, his first set there, went 15 minutes, not one.

audible reaction to anything he said. It's so fun to watch. And now he's a great comic, so that's nothing against him. Oh, my God. You just run. And I've said it a thousand times. When you go somewhere with,

we're down, when you go somewhere for a weekend, and you have a great five sets with somebody, with Rogan, with Ari, and on a Sunday, you go home, you took a nap, you're feeling good. You go, let me go down to the store. And you go up there with the same,

material verbatim and you will die a slow death and it'll make you go home and it's such a death that you don't even stand in the back like you just go you know what I got another spot somewhere you go somewhere and eat by yourself for a while I've gotten

used to it yeah like I got I died so many times in the original room like so many Oh yeah dude there was like a 90 day stretch when I was like a 90 day stretch when I was adjusting to that 1245, 115 spot

that I was having doubts like a lot of doubts. That's a doubt spot right there. But you can't cancel it. You're at the World Famous Comedy Store. That is it? If you go outside and put a sign, I got a spot at 1.30 a.m.

How many signatures would be on that fucking thing to perform on that stage? The line around the door. So I kept going up there, even though it was brutal. And I've said it a thousand times. I had a five. Follow Mooney or my real nemesis that I could not follow is that fucking Dom Herrera. And she'll put you behind these, and that's, you know, it's rough why you're living it.

Oops. But afterward, you see the result of doing those. Like, even when I opened for Wheeler Walker in December, that's back to your roots. That's people standing up. Yeah. Before a band. Survive. That's surviving.

That's just going up there and knowing you have to do, if you didn't learn from Bill Burr in Philadelphia, that's it. You go up there, you report for duty, you do the, you sing, you stick to the hymn, they're throwing shit, you don't miss a beat. You're just ducking. You're George Bush, you're ducking shoes and shit. You're ducking shoes and shit. I mean, it's really a gift.

Like I sit, I'm to drive home that night. Terry and I in the car after we drive. up to our friends. Can you believe that's been 20 years of our lives? Yeah. How many people can you? Did you know, Sam, when you were getting on that stage in Las Vegas,

did you know with fucking Jiu-Jitsu man from headquarters? Yeah, Eddie Bravo. No, no, no. Oh, that's being Scott? Yeah. Scott Ross. Weren't you roommates with him somewhere? Oh, yeah, dude, for 10 years.

Yeah, so think about it. Did you ever think? I mean, we would see people come and go in this town. I've seen stars come and go. What made us think that we were going to fucking stick it out of you? Craziness. I mean, we were just

crazy. We were crazy enough to stay in it. We were crazy enough to be like when we lost, it didn't define us and we just kept going. Now, for me, I have changed what the goals are. I feel like if you sit there and you're like, I got to be this, this and this, you're going to drive

yourself. Yeah, you got to change every 90 days you got to reinvent yourself. You got to be just like, dude, I am where I am and I love where I am. You know what I'm saying? The rent is paid. The lights are paid. There's food in the fridge. And I'm doing this or something that somebody said I would never be able to

do. People told you that you were not going to be able to make a living doing this. I remember people, the comics on the road going, don't move to L.A. You ain't going to make a living. Yeah. Well, I mean, I don't know about you guys, but between the store I feel like I did

pretty okay but then you were the first guy to give me a paid gig or like a real show and then Red Band I have the $20 he's the first guy to pay me for a gig so it's uh it's cool like that stuff I guess I'm glad you're doing it I guess that stuff would

keep you going like when you're saying like what made you think do it for 20 years I'm sure it has to get bigger it can't be just 20 bucks but maybe in two years I'll get to feature for somebody or about $5 wrinkled up with $2.000 drink tickets. Wait until you get one of those, Lee. I've been paid in drink tickets. $5 and

four drink tickets and the drink tickets are gold. Like in the world of open mic comedy, psalm, come here. I got drink tickets. Yeah, I do. How many? Six of them. Don't know a body. Like when Felipe and

Willie Barsena ran that room, that was the main attraction. If they didn't pay you 40 bucks, it was drink tickets. And you took those drinks to heart, Jack. You had money to tip, you were a gentleman, but there was a time in comedy or a drink ticket.

Like, I used to get vouchers for Mexican food for next week at what's the fucking place across Minnesota? El Torrito. El Torito? In Colorado, when I first started, I mean, 48 miles away from where I lived on Thursday night, Sam, I still remember

like stealing nickels. Like, I was the car detailer, and I would steal a quarter from this car, a quarter from that car. This car had $3 bills. I'd take one. You know what I'm saying? So the guy goes, I thought I had three, but nobody stole it. Maybe the wind blew. Like, I kept it like that just to fill up the gas tank.

I get it. To get me there to pick up the $15 voucher and the $25 payment. And then with a five, I tip him, and I put $10 in the car. and that last $10 is what got me home with a smile in your pocket. You drove home with a smile in your fucking pocket. One of the craziest nights of my life was paid in drink tickets. I was hosting a bikini contest at the key club, which is no longer the key club.

I forget the name of it. Here in Hollywood. Here in Hollywood, dude. And, you know, I mean, I'm in my disease. I'm drinking hard, dude. Drink ticket. Drink jacks, jacks, jack. So we're doing a show, man, and I'm hosting, I'm bringing people up,

and this one girl goes for gold. She fucking shows the monkey in the bikini contest. She bends over, shows everybody where baby, I mean, the fucking golden snatch, dude. And for me, that's all in with ACEs. You know what I'm saying? And you got six Jackson. Yes. Yeah, you're Harvey Weinstein.

You know what I'm saying? You're not responsible. They even tell you, I'm the bottle of Jack. After four Jack and you become Harvey Weinstein. So I run the whole thing. They hand me the thing. I don't even read it because I think I like, or I read it wrong. She's number one.

I see number one. I go, and the winner is number one. I put the crown on her. The fucking staff goes nuts. The owner of the club had rigged it. His girlfriend is supposed to win. And I read the wrong name. But I was so shit face, right?

I read the wrong name. So they're like, wrong girl, you asshole. You got to get the wrong. Gotta put it on the right girl because the owner's girlfriend was pissed. So I had to go up to this girl, take the fucking crown off her, and put it on the other girl who'd won. At that point, two giant security guards come and grab me, carry me out. And when I say they threw me out, I'm not lying to you.

They threw me out, go your ban for life from the key club. I'm like, fuck, I get in my car. I'm not even thinking because I can't believe it. I drive a block. I get pulled over by the cops. At this point, I'm like, well, today's the day. we go to jail. They go, hey dude, what's up?

I'm like, do you really want to know? They're like, yeah. And I tell them the story of the chick who showed her monkey. And I hand to God, they put me in my car, and fucking gave me a police escort home to my fucking place. And I let me park my car, and they didn't give me a DUI that night. And they made sure I got home.

And that's a fucking true story because I made them laugh about the girl showing her fucking pussy to everybody to win a bikini contest. And that's the night I drank too much from drink tickets. Let me ask you something, Sam. What was the craziest night you had in Vegas as an open mic? I mean, you were there with Scott and Stanhope. I mean, dude, I mean, like Stanhope came late.

Now, you were living in Vegas. I lived in Vegas. Okay. What were you doing for work? I was a waiter by day, and I would do stand-up by night. And basically, you know, I've said this before, but there's- Sorry, one more time. What year is this?

Well, I started going college out in 90s. you started up doing what? I started doing, I started doing college in 92. Okay. And then it wasn't until about three or four years later that I started doing, or I'd say about two, three years later I started doing stand-up.

I moved out to Vegas because I thought it'd be a great place to start doing stand-up. And luckily, it wasn't. And I say that because I was such a crazy person back then. I was able to burn a bunch of bridges and it didn't hurt my career. If I'd gone to New York, I would have been fucked, dude. I would have.

It's me in Colorado. I was a crazy guy. It was like an Armenian, Italian, fucking, just fire. Dude, I was fired. Drinking? Oh, dude. How to? No, you know, cocaine came a little later.

Later, okay. Cocaine, but I love to drink. Rifa? No refa. Some weed, but I was more of a, I'm a booze. Yeah, you like your food. I'm a booze and Coke, dude. I love booze and Coke.

I love Jack and Coke. If you throw a little snatch in there, Sam's a happy man. If I can get, because the guy gave me a gift, two gifts, man. Gave me a gift of funny. gave me three things. Gifts of funny, hard work ethic, and I can get fucking erection on cocaine, okay? All the time. All, dude, rock hard, ginsu knife, shanking, bitch, no nothing, dude.

No, no, no, no. That's a gift. That is a gift. Viagra bound. No, dude, just all natural fucking pipe, dog. And. I found out a friend I grew up with in Union City just recently died from taking too much Viagra. You can die?

Obviously, he took like fucking 20 of these things. my God. Something happened. I don't know the exact story. I was talking about this book came out. I called a friend of mine and we were talking. He goes, you know, he died about three months ago. Oh my God. He fucking took Viagras in a hotel with some chicken. That's it. How many?

I don't know, bro. Like, is there a number? We need this number. I wouldn't even take one of those things in my heart. I would not. Well, they say call a doctor for last longer than four hours. No. I don't want to even put one in my fucking mouth. People hand them. to me constantly. What are you talking about?

The handy boner pills? Bro, I got a guy. You understand me. It's gross. I like just taking them at the guy. I see him like black rhino and then it's got some number. I don't even know what it means. Like 50,000 KG?

And I'm like, what does that mean? And then of course, because I'm an addict, I like to pop up. And then my girlfriend finds him, she's like, why are you doing this? Dude, why you take these boner pills? I'm like, honestly, because I'm just a fucking crazy person. And I think it's funny. You take them? Yeah.

I'll take them. Oh, my God. I tried a couple of, like, a few years or like, maybe way before Paula, I had, like, for some reason, I had boner problems. So I took a couple then, but I haven't, like, it was like, it was like, it was even it was extends, but I bought it CVS. Now you're good. Now you got a mean one.

Oh, yeah. Now it's fine. Now it's angry. It extends work. Shank your bitches? It, what, it made, like, I only took them like once. I didn't take it, like, to grow it like the, the coach says to do. But it made me feel kind of sick.

Like it wasn't like a great... Oh, if you take too much, you can get your legs are fucked up. You can get headaches. I took one. I took them like twice. I got enough problems. You know what I'm saying? I got enough fucking problems.

But you look the best I've ever seen you. More than any time. I can sleep. I fucking work at it. Man, you know, you look at all the waste you have in your life from time to time. Like I love doing comedy and I love writing at night. But it comes with a price. You have to unwind.

If not, you... you lay in bed and you get more hyped up and now you don't sleep. So on one, I watch TV, but sometimes you get into two episodes or something or three episodes or something, and it's two three in the morning. And at seven, I hear somebody waking me up,

that, that, that, that, you know, and then you go do something and next thing you're fucking wiped out half the day. You've got to do a spot and another spot. So I try to go to bed earlier, you know, drinking water. That's it. That's all you can do. Take care of yourself as much as you can. You're doing it.

Don't do nothing. You don't need to do. Some guy called me at one. Do you still want to meet a one or not? I'm leaving them off. What are you going to talk about? You want to get me to hear beating about something. You want to go to the fuck of where you going.

I got to go do a fucking table reading and come up. You know, it's like I'm preparing for next week. I got six shows in Denver. Then I got Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I got to do 22 things in three days. and now I got to shoot an episode of I'm lying up here. Am I crying? No, not at all.

Why didn't this happen when I was 28 when I could snort through all this? You know what I'm saying? Right. Like these next three nights, if I was snorting, coke, it'd be all over. Right. Like, I would already be making... Cancellering, not showing up.

No, I would show up because the package and the envelope was waiting for you. Yeah. It's right there. As soon as you land, the Mexicans at the hotel, sitting in a chair, he nods at you. I'm here already. Yeah. And I'll be here tomorrow at this time.

I love it. You're in Dying Laughing this week? You're dying up here? You're just shooting up there. Yeah, I got a recurring role, three episodes. That's great. Yeah, so I shot one episode. I shot another one.

I got to shoot another one in March. That's great. I'm super happy for everybody involved. They're great people. Is it weird for you, Joey? To do what? Going back to Denver, where you did all that, all those drugs? Not at all.

You don't get flashbacks or nothing? Not at all. I'm not going to Boulder. I don't have the two hours or three hours to go to Boulder. So I don't have to, dude. I like that type of time. I'm had a lot of him. I'm doing two shows.

You know, but you did stuff in Denver or whatever. You know, but I didn't know downtown Denver. Downtown Denver was a fucking desert when I was there. Oh. There was nothing there. Once the Rockies came and they built that stadium, then all that built up around it. They built a new airport. I don't know this, Denver.

I used to fly into Stapleton, the greatest airport in North America. That's what we're flying into tonight is a, fucking night, man. There's a three-mile walk. Oof, okay. And then you've got to get the car for a 40-minute fucking drive. Those are the worst. Saturday, we got to get breakfast before

we get in that fucking car. That's a 45-minute fucking drive. And then you look at it and you go, who designed this? Because if it snows, you're clobbered. You get stuck at that airport. Is this the Denver airport? Yeah. It's shady as shit, dude. This is, and they got, you know, this is

like you, it doesn't When you fly into Denver now and you go, why are we 40 minutes for civilization? The big joke is you fly into Kansas. You're like, why am I driving 40 fucking minutes? It's ridiculous. That Denver airport's got a lot of shady shit involved with it. Guys, when you're walking around, look at all the artwork.

It's very dark. Very dark. It's beautiful. The fucking air. The best thing about that airport is you need for nothing. You can take a shower air. You can rent the hotel there. You can fuck.

work out there. They got a gym. You could eat a steak or you could eat fucking Burger King. You get your nails done. There's never a dumb moment at Denver International. I respect the fuck out of that. I remember one time when I got to analyze

that, I was fucking dirt poor. I got scale plus 10, no plane ticket for analyze that. I had a place to stay and my friend gave me a buddy pass on Frontier Airlines. Oh, God. Frontier.

That's like lending somebody a pen to write a suicide note. Yeah, for sure, dude. Giving somebody a frontier buddy pass is just like saying to somebody, oh, you're going to kill yourself. Hold on. Don't use the feather. Let me give you a fucking ballpoint. You know what I'm saying?

Like, that's all that is. Yeah. They lost my, like, I flew in like a tent into Newark or something crazy. And the audition was it, too, and they lost my luggage. With the warm-up suit and the whole thing. So now I had to borrow money I didn't have and go get a warm-up suit. Oh, man.

Sneakers. Oh. And then the luggage never came. The luggage, by the time I got to fucking Denver, I picked it up in Denver. But let me tell you what I did. I was so broke when I got on that plane. I didn't have any cigarettes.

And I didn't give a fuck. I went right, the lady was looking the other way. I went right behind the counter and took a pick of cabal lights. And I went right in the bathroom, and lit up a fucking cigarette. I'm walking no three fucking miles to smoking cigarettes. They sold cigarettes on the plane? At the airport.

Oh, at the airport. Yeah, dude, back in our day, dude, back in our day, because you're a young guy, there was smoking on the airplane and there was this magical thing that said, this is the smoking section, this is the non-smoking section. The back.

And there was no... Nobody complained, nobody got cancer. Nobody did nothing. Those are the days where you would get on a flight and you enjoyed flying because there was six other degenerates on the plane just like you. Dog, I was thinking about this, about, and I'm not going to say from where to where,

because then people have to fucking say the truth. But I'll never forget when I was doing it, no, I'm not going to say the year. There was a time when I was doing some creepy shit. I was going from Colorado to Jersey and trading, guns for coke and then I would fly back with the coke but Sam I went on a bender like I was a I stayed clean from January 1 of 85 to about April of 86 because a buddy of mine came out said he was getting because he goes to snort this coke because I'm getting this for this price

what are they paying for shit out here and he told me like I can make a thousand dollars now it's not even look at it. $1,000 an ounce and not even look at it. That's how good this Coke was. So I started snorting. I went on a fucking, I went on a six-month

tear. It was like in six months I slept five nights, legit. The other nights, it was like I did coke where you either not sleep or you sleep three hours but it's cocaine sleep. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you don't even go deep into your fucking system. So you're just

walking. You're just a time bound. You hear the Coke birds? Here the Coke birds. Oh, they just fucking mocking you. Good Coke is like good food, right? You're like, oh, this is excellent. It just disappears and you know, because when you do bad coke, your nose just goes, and you're like, oh, fuck, this is bad shit.

I just snorted fucking paint thinner, right? You know? And then you get that good stuff. It just disappears and everybody's feeling, and the ladies are feeling good. And that's how reason to do cocaine is let the girls let you. to do weird shit to them. They're just happy just to be on Coke. And they're just like, yeah, whatever you want to do, light me up.

And they're like, cool, man. You're like, oh, I love it. That's my problem, the sex addiction. I'm fucking coked up on a three-day bender. And I got a plane on, I got on the plane in Newark, headed back. And I sit next to this fucking chick in the middle. That is throwing heat, Jack.

And you know, I don't talk. I'm coked up. I'm shocked. at that point. You're the only Coke head that doesn't talk, by the way. I'm going to the bathroom doing little bumps by myself. She notices and she starts talking to me. And on the slide, she asked me, do you got a blast from me?

You go, hold on one second. I went to the bathroom back from out like a fucking ounce on me. I took a little out, put in a piece of paper. I gave it to go knock yourself out. This bitch started jawing on the plane. Next thing I always started drinking. Next thing she started touching my leg. I'm like, this is fucking getting weird here.

She was banging. If I was If I was 22, she was 19, 20, she was a college student somewhere, and she was snorting, we were fucking high, and next to the arm finger in her under a blanket on a fucking plane. I never got her name or her number.

That's all I have left. It was crazy. Like, it was, who do you meet on a plane and your finger on them? She was grabbing my cock. She didn't jerk me off or blow me or nothing like that, nothing. But it was just crazy. I was figuring this girl. That was the time. I went to Denver Airport and my flight to aspirin was delayed. I got nine ounces on me. So I said, what am I

going to do on that at the airport? And I had, I hid the coke in those lockers where you keep the key like fucking get shorty. Yeah. And I would take like an eight ball of the chunk and I would go to the bar and I was just fucking drinking doubles. And those days I was drinking that fucking whiskey and Scott doubles on the rocks and the other one. Don't touch the ice cubes. I'll fucking kill you. You know how much money I spent them quarters getting that coke in and out of it?

I must have done an ounce at the airport that night. By the time we flew out the next morning, I was so fucking coked up. Oh, dude, that's the word. I snorted with this music executive. We got fucking drilled at this airport. Then they shut the bar down at three.

Oh, my God. So we're at this airport Coked up I mean, if it didn't stick out Like I saw thumb I don't know how the fuck I didn't get arrested that night We didn't lead to the next morning At 8 I was tuned up

I got on that plane Tuned up I started drinking bloody marries That's not used to drink in the daytime I didn't give a fuck Now I'm gonna have a fucking pussy out Do you drink still? Yes and no I got to the shot and fucking somewhere

I was that recently Yeah I don't drink man Once in a blue, blue, blue moon, I'll do a shot, Jack. But I don't really drink. I don't like it. I'm not a weed guy. Like I said, once in the blue moon, I'll do shrooms just to talk to God, you know? That's a conspiracy podcast, too.

I like you and your partner. We got up to being Ryan Davis, Tim Foyle Hat with Sam Tripoli, got up to $120,000 last week with our YouTube video and our feed. So we'll see how it goes, man. It's going well. I never knew you were a big, big conspiracy guy. You know, I talked about this on Mark Maren's podcast, but I got in a conspiracy. The first time I really knew there was conspiracies when the Iron Sheek and fucking hacksaw Jim Duggan got busted in the car together.

Do you remember that? And they were supposed to be enemies. And then they fucking were caught drunk in a car. And I'm like, oh, fuck, there's something up here, dude. And then my dad always taught me believe nothing what you hear and half what you see. And then I've so that I've always questioned everything. for me it's just like I just kind of like I just enjoy knowing what's going on it's not really that I'm trying to solve anything or write any wrongs I'm just trying to I just like to figure out the game that's being played and they interest me like I have two podcasts punch drunk sports and I have Timfoil hat and my whole days are when I'm not working on stuff I'm either going back and forth from you know ESPN to Reddit and it just interest me I love all of it I love all of it I love all of it I love hearing a about. I love talking about it. Sometimes

rub some people wrong. Bigfoot UFO. Not you. I'm really in the money and power corrupts. That's my thing. You know, the Bigfoot stuff doesn't do much for me. I always had people hit me up. Not really my thing. Especially being Armenian. I say leave the furry people alone. Let them do their own thing, right?

UFOs, I think there's definitely something going on with that, but I'm really into the money and power corrupts. Eddie, you know, Eddie Bravo is the flat earth guy. We have this big show this weekend. I don't know when this goes out, but we have a big show this weekend. Friday and Saturday at the LA Comedy Club. It's the Tim Four Huck Comedy Night, me, Eddie Bravo, my buddy Reed Becker out of Houston who says hello at the

secret group. So the three of us are doing some stand-up in Vegas late night. It's all conspiracy-laced. It's a wolfing of a little bit. I mean, Eddie Bravo goes off and it's fun to watch. And I go up there and I do my conspiracy stuff, I have enough in there that, you know, I can get everybody rocking. I'm a conspiracy theorist to a degree, but I don't have time to sit and argue for three hours.

Well, I get that. Like, do you know what I'm saying? Like, I can sit at home and break it down by myself as they're spitting it out at me. But I don't know. My problem is who to trust. So how do you like figure out who, how do you figure out what's right? Oh, there's a lot of that, dude. I've been doing, like, this show about

Versace. Right? Like, I was down there with Jim Florentine. As I was getting off the plane checking into the condo, they were killing Versace in Miami. And we were both in Fort Lauderdale, Davie, at the time, when

they shot him. So, like it always, I always knew there had to be a by the way. Nobody comes up to Sam Tripoli, a beautiful gay man that owns a clothing company in the middle of the fucking day and just shoot you and creates this

fucking manhunt all over South Florida. Yeah. There had to be something going on. But guess what? I'm a comic. I don't have time to be a fucking roving investigative reporter. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, you're not.

And all of a sudden. You're not a PI. And all of a sudden, I heard little tidbits. I used to work the Miami Improv. Yeah. And I would ask, what's going on? I would hear little tidbits that it was crazy what was going on in there. Like, it was just crazy.

You had a fucking mansion in South Beach. What the fuck do you think was? Gay man in South Peace for the mansion. Money. Getting fucking crazy. It was crazy. And at that time, you know,

they had that badass club down there where on Monday nights was their busiest night. You couldn't get a flight from Kennedy and Manhattan into Miami on a Monday because of that one club that the gangster had,

the one half of gangsters. So Miami was very, very hot at the time. Oh, yeah, dude. And they just, killed this gay guy at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I wasn't buying it. I didn't know, like I said, I'm not an investigative reporter, you know, political stuff. Do you follow that type of that? Yes. That's what you... Is that you think he was off by some powerful political people? No, no, no, no, no, not at all. I think he was off by a scorn lover. A scorn lover and somebody

who, again, had mental health issues. Yeah. You know, mental health issues exist in the gay community like in the other community. The student community and the comic, you know, we talk about it all the time that what we do is a thin line of insanity. I mean, when you first started comedy, there was a place that you went to one

night or week that became your home. Close your eyes. Take your sunglasses off. This had an episode of Magnum Pia. Close your eyes. And think of remember that place that you used to go that the list was kind of long. Like 26. people on a list and you're number 22.

Do you remember that trip, please? Did you ever go to one of those? Yeah. Okay. Do you remember like number eight? He came every week and he would wear like a handcuff under a suit. And he'd talk about stuff that was normal. And then you have like seven minutes at the fourth minute. He'd start talking about child pornography. And he'd start talking about the dark side of child pornography and how it affected me. and you sit there and go, oh.

Oh, yes, guys. But at that time, nobody was shooting people. You know what I'm saying? It wasn't like a comics and I'd take a gun out and shoot the fucking audience at that time. Now you've got to be worried because there's a point of stand-up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The store on Sunday nights 20 years ago.

Oh, dude, I've had so many. The Sinclair, remember the old man that went after me? That place is a thin line between they just let you out of one floor of the cuckoo's nest. Right, right. You know, and then you look at it. at the other side of it. There's another side. Like, listen,

I've been in a few movies. Yeah. I never wrote a show. I never pitched the show. Right. You don't pitch shows ever? You know, not... I've been to this town for 21 years. I've had an agent for the last five. Before that, I had some half-width that I give him instructions and I do have to work. Do you know what I'm saying?

No, I get that. Before, who I'm with now, I just had guys that were poses. All they were I was a corrupt guy, and And they were the ones that made the calls. But I would call them and go, hey, you know anything about the other? I haven't heard anything about it. It came out two days ago, and this motherfucking idiot don't know nothing about it.

I'm wondering why I'm in Alabama opening up for fucking kairatop this weekend on a fucking Indian resort. You know what I'm saying? So I used to fucking push the agents. When you're a good manager, when you're a great manager, by the time your agent gets to the office at 10, and he looks at his fax or his email, you sent three. emails with three rows for him to get on it. Right. Let's go, Lee. Get on it. Not later. Not after you rub you. Now, get on it. And I would call him at 10.01. Yo, what's going on?

I just got in drinking my coffee. All right, well, when you drink your coffee. Call fucking Jerome Bennett casting in New York. They're looking for a plumber three days on a movie. I haven't seen that yet. Grab a pen. Grab a fucking pen. 10.01, chop. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I don't care about the 405. You should have left 15 minutes earlier.

Yeah. You know, I'm up working since fucking nine. You remember the days of the breakdown? Yes. Did you ever get the breakdown? No, I used to get them slowly, but I, you know, man, I used to just go through the motions in acting. I've always just wanted to be getting paid to talk. And I'm doing that now, and I'm really excited about that.

I mean, if I ever got something on TV, it'd be something where I could just talk. Or, like, now I'm shooting something with my good friend right now, David, Deary, we're shooting a, it's called Mad Skills and it's a skills video, but of weird shit. Like, you know, trying to, if it's a zombie apocalypse, how do you get a gun? You know, you got two grand, but the gun costs five grand, so you got, but your buddy

has Coke, so you buy Coke, turn the Coke to buy the, you know, it's like this weird fun. That's what I'm into. I'm into talking. I'm not really an actor. I used to get, I just never really cared. I just love talking. Well, when I got here, my plans of being a stand-up before it was because

nobody wanted me. Montreal didn't want me. No comedy agency wanted me. There was an agency. I'm not going to say the name. I don't want to hear nobody's feeling. This agency was horrible. And I remember they wouldn't even sign me. You're saying like bad agents, even guys that had horrible reputations would pass on me. So I had to do the every 90 day thing. I had to go for the lowest common denominator of the hanging fruit, as they say. Commercials. And I popped like two of those in the beginning to put a little jing in my nose. and kept me in pork chops

and fucking Wopper Jr. What's Wendy's? What's the Wendy's one? The Junior, the Cheeseburger from the 99 cents menu. Oh, the Junior Megan Cheap burger. From 97 to 99 to 2000. That was my little four-clock snack every day.

99 cents with some fries. I lived up. And a bowl of chili right there. Right there. You know what I'm talking about right on. You eat chili from Wendy's? Oh, and 99. I love Wendy's.

I would eat chili out of your assholes. You understand me? It was $15 a spot. I would eat chili out of your asshole. You understand me? $15 from spot and cocaine's 100 a gram. You do the math. I lived in my car,

but the best meal of the day was an egg sandwich. I would get a nice, I would open up the day with a nice fried egg sandwich with a sunset. There's dollar sandwiches down the street for me, dog. Where? When I lived down in Hollywood. Dude, I got to...

Dollar sandwiches. Dollars egg sandwiches, dude. And I would eat that shit all the fucking... When I first moved there, me and Scott Ross, we moved there. He didn't have money, dude. So we had to live in a weekly, which is one step above a homeless person. I'm not trying to make fun of everybody's situation. But, you know, I was blessed.

I had worked really hard before I moved out. I'd cash in my fucking bank account. So we're working hard. And so this weekly, it was so hot at night, dude. I couldn't sleep. just get up and I just to the I still love walking out I live near Hollywood Boulevard I love to walk the Boulevard and just see the people that's when it was nasty yeah well that's why I loved it because I like the shady shit if you lived in a weekly you live on like 5501 Hollywood Boulevard I lived right around

you know they have a hostel that does stand up that hostel used to be a weekly on Schrader yeah I lived in there yeah I lived there yeah you could only stay for like three weeks in a row 21 days And you had to move to a different fucking hotel. Yeah. Let me tell you something. If I ever write a really dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty book, there's a couple chapters. But I will tell you what happened in a hotel. Oh, let me just tell you just real quick.

And then getting it. So I would walk the boulevard at night because it was so high, couldn't sleep. Well, one day, Scott's working at Starbucks by the saddle ranch, right? He used to work there way back in the day. With the other chick. What was the chick's name that moved to? Christine Miller. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Christy Miller used to work there. So she... Christy Miller used to give me hand jobs while we wait for show. She'd always give me a nice hand job as we were just sitting there. Because I was a shady motherfucker, right? So we were hanging out. We were doing a gangus cone. There was stand up there.

I'd sit down. She'd done zip and just started fucking jerking me off. And it was fun. So anyway. Terrible. That's terrible. So. That's Marlumbrando type of shit.

Sorry, dude. So we were, we, so I'd walk in a night. You like your Armenian Quincy Jones. For sure, dude. So I get a knock. I get a knock on my door one day. It's the manager of these two giant black guys. They're like, you got to move out, dude.

I go, what? They go, you got to go now. I go, why? He goes, we don't have to tell you. I'm like, okay. So I get my ass kick. I just grab my shit. So I started to grab my shit.

And the two black guys are like, oh, dude, this guy's really nice. What the fuck? And I go, can I just know why you came out? I'm going to go. He goes, yeah, you're a gay hooker, dude. You walk the boulevard at night. And you're turning. I'm like, no, I'm not.

It's just hot as fuck in here. And I can't sleep at night. Whatever, you're a gay hooker. You got to go. So they threw my shit on the fucking out on the lawn. They'd thrown out somebody else, but they did not go quietly, dude. And these dudes were just grabbing this guy and his girlfriend and just thrown him against the wall and threw them out. My fuck, man, I got it.

Gates there and shit. Yeah. And then, so they had one apartment on Schrader. Yeah. And then they had the other one. By the old Tower Records up there. Right, up by where the pizza place is now. Across the street from the pizza place.

Lee, you have no idea. When I used to get that Taco Bell money, I'll never forget buying six packages for $100 from Chui and getting a ride from an old comic friend from Seattle and stopping and getting like a 12-pack and splitting it. And I would go up there and let me tell you something. If you stayed there for six nights, three of those nights, so somebody would knock on your door.

It was creepy. It was creepy. I had some fucking crazy shit happened to me in that building, but I would tell you what else happened to that building. I'm laying in the room one day, and the phones rang. Remember they had a pay phone? Yeah. This is 97?

Is that yours? Yeah, that's yours. This one's yours. No, that's yours. Okay, was this one yours? No, no, you had that out of the couch. Okay. It had to be 97, 98. maybe

I was snorting up a storm and some fucking one night of the trick just knocking the door but I'll tell you what else happened to me that I heard my name in the afternoon is there a Joey Diaz in here I'm laying there watching TV on that

they used to have that furniture that Lee the rooms were a bed with like this old TV old TV is it like the Blues Brothers status It was dirty And it had like a channel

That was just like fucked up porn Yeah But not really It was just like Weird porn that ran all fucking It was just disgusting But it was a room And a town

I didn't have to deal with anybody man And they let you stay in there for 21 days I was never in town for 21 days I was always on the road then So it really didn't matter How much it was it for per night It was super cheap Like you would do a week

Like it'd be like a hundred bucks a week. So you get to do. Yeah. It was like so. And they had a bodega on the corner across the street

they had a check cash in place. Yeah. But do you remember if you went a little bit more west towards the beach on the corner there, there was a diner type place, but they were known because on Saturday night they would do

what are men who dress up like women? Drag queen. Drag queen. Uh, uh, karaoke. Lee Syatt. lines around the fucking block. Oh, they do that

at a hamburger Marys. It's packed out. Still over there. Because they let that shit up, dude. That area used to be, and I remember going in there on Monday morning, fucking coming down off an eight ball of death.

You know, Sunday nights at the store. In the old days, Lee, Friday and Saturday, it didn't matter at the county store. It was what you brought on Sunday. Yeah. It was what you showed up on Sunday. Oh, my God.

So much fun. I used to get, lit up at the comedy. I remember one night drinking that MDMA. Oh, what? And I was passing out and coming back to his shit and passing out and coming back to. Oh, my God. Sunday nights at the store used to be.

I love it, dude. Let me give some shoutouts real quick. All right, give some shoutouts. First of all, I want to thank everybody who gave me a birthday shout out. You all did the family. Thank you very much. 55. I don't believe it.

You're looking good, dude. We're trying. Bro, I know people who look. good drop dead the next day. Don't put the Malook on me. But anyway, Jesus Christ. Thank you very much. As a matter of fact, I brought the Malook with me. Look at this. Right here.

This is a horn. This is a cornu. And you put fucking the Maluk. I put a Jew Malook on it. He'll be fuchs with me from now. I'm going to eat animals. I put the Malook on you and shit. This is the Jew killer right here. Anyway, my main man, Matt Holmeyer. Randy Villarbe.

Villarbe Donovan Salazar Zahru Salazar Rulo you know I love you cocksucker Lizzie Derasgo Keep writing Don't let them fucking take you down My main brother

Sergio Ortega My other brother Danny Biancolo Lexis Ardui My main comic McCart McGowan Joe Joe Padj And that's it

You know I love all you motherfuckers Don't forget Do not forget this weekend is sold out there's nothing I can do about that thank you very much Denver thank you next week I'm going to Alabama and then March 21st

NIAC I'm going into New York the corporation gets released on the 20th so I'll be in the city somewhere I'll invite you motherfuckers if you want to come by and pick up a copy maybe T.J. signs it for you whatever you want to do I don't know how it's going to go down I'm speaking out of the line anyway but the 21st the next night I'm at

Nyack at one of my favorite clubs last time I was there somebody heckled me they got up they went to the bathroom five guys came in and hit him in the head with a bottle that's what I'm talking about that's church family strong you know what I'm saying that's Nyack that's that me before dude what's what's who do you represent 607 607 for life home boy my buddy anthony I was doing stand-up but this guy uh was just heckling me and the dude's like my friend's like this guy who's a family He's a friend of mine now, but he's like, dude, shut the fuck up and try to list this guy. This guy's like, I can say whatever the fuck I want. Boom, drops this guy, right?

This dude who got dropped, his girlfriend starts screaming at me like I caused it. She's like, you motherfucker. She goes, I know your CIA. I know your FBI motherfucker. And she throws her bottle beer at me. And I just go, just dodged it. Kept doing stand-up as they threw her the fuck out, dude. Happens all time, dog.

People come up on stage when to rumble, dude. I was talking about one time I was at the comedy store and this drunk Australian chick is like giving our Brody shit. So Brody brings me up and this time Brody did like the, you ever follow comic who like introduces you? But it's like a five minute introduction where he's working in a couple more jokes as he's going and you're like, let's go home boy. Let's go. So I'm like Brody, bring me up. And like so we have this weird interaction and he's leaving. All of a sudden this Australian chick starts screaming at me dude.

She's like, you're not fucking funny laying into me for five minutes. You know, all the fucking spot, all the guys who worked at the comedy store at the time, we're all a little emo fucks with skinny jeans. Couldn't stop anybody, right? I don't know where this white girl from the corner gets up, man. Walks over this girl, grabs her, goes, enough of you. Turns her around, smacks her on the ass, hand to God, picks this chick up, throws her up over her shoulders and walks this girl out.

At the comedy store. At the comedy store. Walks her down the stairs, puts her on the patio, tells her not to come back in. I'm like, who the fuck are? She's like, I'm just watching a show. I don't know where a car full of five black guys. This is a true story. Pulls up, grabs this white chick, throws her in the car, fucking takes off, dog.

We don't know what the fuck happened to that chick. Nothing good. And nothing good. Probably on Pornhub right now. She's on the fucking 170. So you throw those little dirty bitches up there into 170 by that one stop there. Yeah, dude. That's fucking rotten bitch corner there.

That's your call it. I bet you're going to put that on Google Maps now. You know, it's crazy how many wild things. Like, I wasn't there for the shootings. What? But I was there. Oh, dude. Did you hear this story, dude?

The reason there is nobody, everybody makes a joke that the reason nobody else got killed was Tiffany Haddish ran the light so long. And the fuck, every time she talked in the fucking Rose Battle, She'd go on for five fucking minutes. The show ran over 30 minutes late because Tiffany Haddish wouldn't stop talking because she was shit face. God bless the queen. She's killing it. But she talked, that's when the shooting happened because nobody was downstairs because we were all waiting for Tiffany Haddish to wrap up her summaries of the fucking Rose Battle.

Dude comes up. Boom, boom. And everybody was upstairs. And they never caught him. Oh, dude, they had that shit set up. They knew exactly where the person. parked that car so nobody could chase them. Listen, that's a, that's a great spot to shoot.

I've always said the comedy store is a great spot to ice somebody. Well, that's what they used to do back. Now they got cameras in there. Now you're fucked unless you know exactly where the cameras are and we spray paint the lens or knock them down. But the comedy store, if I had a beef with somebody, I mean, you know, I mean, you know, I don't know, he didn't, uh, he said one of your jokes or he, called your mother fat. I get that all the time.

I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about it. You had to get sent on a mission to fucking kill somebody, but you ought to plan it out like Charles Bronson and the mechanic. You had to get them to the comedy store because, you know,

like in the original mechanic, Charles Bronson plays a thought. That's what they, they just, and the resurrection, whatever, I wouldn't see it, but I know it's just about a guy

who kills people. That's not what the character of the mechanic was. The character, victim of the mechanic was to figure out how to do you with the least amount of damage. When he got an order, it was either messy or we got to make it like, so he would look at your records and know you had a weak heart. So while you were fucking on the beach, he would shoot at you. But you're a bad guy anyway. He would shoot at you, which would make you run and have a heart

attack instead of shoot at you. So people would say, we heard guns go off, but why did he die of a heart attack. Right. It's a different way of iceing somebody. Science. But if somebody came to me and they were like, you know, you have to kill Lee. And I knew Lee was an avid comedy fan.

Somebody says his weakness is comedy. He spends a lot of money up there. Prop comedy, probably. He's fucking one of the young girls up there. Banging him. And he hangs out there on Saturday nights with one bodyguard. Probably holding lies that's where I would get him.

Or I would get him in the way of, if he's married, I would just call his house and say, you've won two tickets to the comedy store, come on down, and then put fucking, pay one of the waitresses to put a pill in this fucking thing that makes him piss and stab him in the bathroom. In the old bathroom, in the original room, when you had to get up and go back there,

that was the perfect place to ice somebody. Right. There was six feet back there, and it was always dark, and the light would bounce off the red wallpaper. So I would sit there every night dog in that corner and watch comics. And unless you're fucking retarded, unless the comedian is not funny,

you would look to the left. Lee doesn't know what we're talking about because he never saw the store before they constructed that. That used to be wide openly. But they put a table against the wall, that used to be wide open so I could walk straight through the main room. so no matter how dark it was in the original room that little hallway there was gold

if you want to ice somebody it would be like that zine in scarface I would make you get up and as you walked into the men's bathroom I would make Sam walk out and tell you they're all packed in there you gotta use this bathroom and as you made it to the fucking thing I'd pop out like Pacino in Scarface for the friend you fucked

and stabbed you in Scarface face, just stab you right there. And just leave you, and nobody would see it. But the friend, you fucked. By that time at 20 a.m., there's maybe 18 people in the main room. They haven't nobody in the back of the main room. Guy drops, like he had a heart attack, and you walked

out of there, like nothing happened. You put a cap on as soon as you hit the door, you all walk three different directions or two of years. Nobody knows nothing. That was the hallway. I used to look at that hallway every night and go, boy, I hope that fucking, like one of my enemies is in a hallway one night because I know exactly how to get this.

That was the whole, and if not, you could ice them in the bathroom. You got no escape. You got no escape in that area. Trust me, I used to be angry when I first got to the coffee store. Me too, dude. And I would look at ways of icing people. Like, for years, I would look at different ways.

How would you ice this guy if you had to ice them? Just this homework. Just to jog your memory, you know what I'm saying? Just to see if you still have these muscles. Run the scenarios. Like I was watching. Watching, what was I watching? Hota, hold on.

And there was his drug deal. They said, you cannot get to him. It's impossible to get to him. All those guys have a mistress. And they all sell their pussy to the highest bidder. Well, he was banging his mistress. They came out of the closet and fucking kidnapped him. Right in front of his bodyguards.

There's always a weakness in their fucking... Where there's a will, there's a way. And you're right there. You know what I'm saying? Right. That's what happened now. You got to break that shit down. No, but the comedy store was always like when I was in my angry part of my life.

Like, I remember one night being up there, there was a particular individual up there who I went off on years later. And I saw him in the main room. This was way before I went off on it. Right. And in my mind, it just dozed off in my cocaine craziness. If I was to ice this guy, this is how I would do it. Remember when O.J. wrote the book? Yeah, yeah.

If I was about to do this shit. Same thing. It's just stupid fucking... You're just shanking... No, I didn't do it, but if I did... Like, that was a book, that's crazy. Shanking people in the main room by people back of the day were fucking all over the place.

What happened to playboy radio? Let me know what happened. Well, basically... You used to be big over there. Yeah. They used to run my show 17 times a week. We would record myself, Vicky, Gareth Reynolds. Gareth went on to be part of the Dallop,

and the Dallup is fucking killing it. And then I would, uh, you know, Vicki now doing, I think she's doing some, a bunch of podcasts now. Yeah, Vicki Pezza, she's doing great. Yeah, she's killing it. And so we've all kind of, it just kind of hit, you know, we kind of did it. You can only interview so many transsexual midgets before you're like, I've done it. You know what I'm saying?

But Playboy, the big thing about Playboy was that I think it became a loss leader for this company called Mind Geek. And Mind Geek was this, allegedly, was this company that owned all the tube sites, right? You know, like you porn, red tube, porn hub, all those people. And I think they were just making a lot of money. And what happened was the big fallout was that Sirius Radio won more porn stars on Playboy. And Playboy is like, oh, that's not our brand. And this was done by a gentleman. I'm not going to say his name.

but he made a fatal decision that in a fight with serious he's going to pull it off serious radio and that was the beginning of the end and they had the most beautiful they had the best studio i was on howard stern twice i seen howard stern studio the playboy radio studio was just as good i forgot how about that i thought about that about a year ago what happened with sam being on howard stern i mean leet this is he had a tv show on spike he was on howard stern twice i mean you know this guy's Bulletproof. And still fucking, you know what I'm saying? Like he gets up every morning, like,

it's a beautiful day to be alive. He knows that there is something in it. He can't go nowhere. Now, where are you going to go? Where are you going to go? Who's going to take you now? You're in it now to your fucking, what's the old dude that comes out that has the radio show on Sunday night?

The gentleman of comedy? Frazier Smith? Frazier Smith. Dude, I did a charity event with that kid, that man. He did, we did a Skid Row during an All-Star weekend. Charles Oakley growing up back in the day. Nick's Patrick Kewing, one of my favorite players of all time. This last time?

Yeah. This last weekend? Yeah. I went down. It was me, Sean Joshi, Frazier Smith. And dude, that guy annihilated with these young people who are in bad places in their life. And, you know, you go down there, man. You see people hard times.

Like we're, dude, like we are blessed. We did a lot of drugs and we didn't end up there. that we had a work ethic that was stronger than a drug ethic and that some people fall through the cracks man and they're for the grace of God go I. So whenever I asked like I'm doing Vegas this weekend dude

I'm flying back 930 to go in the morning at yeah I get back at 930 to do a charity event. I'm feeding people. Do you remember when you would go to Vegas or square town

and you wouldn't even get a return flight? because you knew it was that type of party weekend. Like, there was a time 2002 to 2006. When I went on the road, like I would stay clean two days before I went on the road because I knew it was going to be every night. They already were waiting for me. I knew exactly where to go.

They were going to drop it off during the first show on Wednesday night. It was just craziness. Like, it was fucking crazy. this and now you go into these towns you do you show you go right back to your hotel room you watch TV I like to sleep dude you sleep you read a book you fucking write jokes

you know in the old days I used to sleep all fucking day and get up hungover eat I wouldn't exercise I wouldn't do shit I would walk to the restaurant and fucking eat like a cocaine hangover oh you know where you would

just eat like two breakfasts fucking four slices of toast. Every one of them had one of those things of butter on it. You have the little round thing? A whole thing of a scoop. And then I would drink like freshly squeezed orange juice.

Feeling healthy. Which in my mind would make me be healthy. What are you talking about cocaine? I drank a gallon of orange juice this morning. Did you go for a walk? Why would I go for a walk? I drank freshly squeezed orange juice. Do you ever take allergy pills for your runny nose

so your nose wouldn't be so blocked? And then you wake up and it's like the desert in your nose just dry because you don't really have. have any problems you thought? No, I would always take Coke, like hip, my fingertip with my finger, and I would always dip it in the Coke, and you're shoving in my nose,

and you give it a couple minutes, and that's draining. That opens up everything. If it's real, within two minutes, you'll be fucking breathing, smelling farts from 1973, you know what I'm saying? Does Coke cure cold? Coke cures everything, you know what I'm saying? Don't worry about none.

You got the bronchitis do a line. Run with it. Who gives a fuck? You took a flu shot, didn't you take a chance? Columbus did. What the fuck? Oh, my God. It didn't matter.

Like, when I was 21, 22, it didn't matter if I had a cold. It didn't matter nothing. If somebody had a line and we had a potential to get down, the cold went away right away. That's why I know it's all in the mind. It is, because I lived through it. That's why when people tell me shit, I sit down and I go, what are you talking about? I lived through it.

I, I flew. What fucking flu? I'm not going to lie to you. I ended up fucked up a couple times. I couldn't. One Christmas, I was sick for three fucking days. I couldn't move out of a bet.

But that had been after six months of being out like a fucking animal. This kid, Anthony Sabatino took me home. And everybody knows days knew if you took me home, you didn't know when I was going to leave. Like, you know what I was saying? You took a chance taking me to your house and feeding me, even though it was Christmas and shit. But I grew up with Sabatina.

He took me to his house and I laid there for three days. That's how hard I was going in those days. I get it, dude. I tell Lee all the time. 29, you're worried about sleep. But 29, I didn't even know what a blanket was. I slept wherever. Right there.

Go ahead, taking that for an hour. You'll be fine. Tip-top Magoo. You brush that tooth? A tip-top magoo, dog. Shit. You have no idea. Gackers.

Oh, my God. Girls letting you get weird. Dude, that was my favorite. Just the thought of it. Just is like, oh, such a. fun time. Yeah, with sexual harassment, Bill. Oh, dude, my moves. I used to ring the doorbell. That was

my opening move. Like, talk to a girl, ring the doorbell. What do you mean that's your opening move? I like, hey, lo, I grab her clothes. I close. You know, there's something there. Ring the doorbell. And now you can't do that shit no more. That's like the 18th move, I thought. No, no, no, dude.

You got to know when they want to seal the deal. You know, when you know that, you got to go in. You know, chicks like knuckle-dragers. They want gentleman knuckle-draggers. They don't want the dudes running through the airport fucking, you know, crying about how much they love them, you know, they want respect, but

they want grown-ass men who are fucking cavemen who are fucking show some respect, you know? But they want grown-ass... Fifteen fucking years, dog. Fifteen years. Yeah, I Google how to fake my own death daily, but I love her to death, dude. I love her. You live with her? Yeah, we've lived

together. We got a dog. I love that dog. Pollyanna. Sting- some jinks, you know. I love that dog. I did a little fatty, too. She runs. It's so funny to watch her run because she's a little chunky.

I love it. Did you ever dream you'd still be doing this 20 years later? You know, man, I don't ever remember dreaming of like being in... Anything. Like, nothing. Dude, I've done first grade, dude.

They didn't expect shit from me. My parents were looking around for the receipts. And you have a degree. Yeah, I got a degree from UNLV. I mean, you're a smart guy. I mean, you know, you... I'm not test taker.

I can take you, I can put, I can, I can, you're the type of guy I could drop you off on a corner with a dollar and pick you up at five and you're now $15. Yeah. And you ate lunch. Yeah. You're following me, you figure it out. And you got new sneakers for yourself.

For sure. You brought home a five for Papa and you got sneakers. Everybody's happy. Everybody's happy. No, and that's what, that, that, uh, I've seen you like, one of the greatest quotes I ever heard about you. Uh, you kept that. I don't know what I was doing at the time.

It was like every time you did that fucking show on a Thursday, I was out of town. I have my friend that owns Vemak. He's a really good jiu-jitsu guy, John Budd. And every time he does something, I'm either off by an hour or I'm gone for the weekend. This weekend, he's got a great seminar over there. I think, I don't know, Joey Haas and somebody else.

And I saw it, and I go, God damn it. I've been sitting here for three weeks. weeks. Nobody does dick. All of a sudden I'm about to leave and he wants to have a seminar. That's the story of my life too. I'm surprised. I'm the only reason I'm looking at this thinking when is the audition going to come in.

There it is right there. No. Thank God. Thank God. I'm sitting there going on when is the audition going to come in that they need on tape by tomorrow at 1 o'clock to really fucking burn my craw. You know what I'm saying? And it's perfect for me. And it's not bad enough that you've got to be

on a fucking stage at 8 o'clock at night. and do two shows on a Thursday. So you got to shoot something sent to? What's that? You got to shoot something sent to? Is that most auditions now? They're like put it on camera? If you're going to fucking call me, okay?

Yeah. And tell me, put an audition on tape at 3.30 in Beverly Drive. I'm going to ask you. Can I ask you a personal question, Sam? Sure. Are you sending this to the producers or a producer is going to be in the room? The producers are not going to be in the room. Okay, so I'm going to go down there into Beverly fucking Drive at 3.30.

For something I'm not sure of, well, guess what? Right around the corner here on Laurel Canyon, there's a kid that you go in there, he puts the timer on 20 minutes. You sit on the other side, he puts a camera on you, he gives you one of those things that you sing. You know those conductors that put music? Yeah. You put your sides on there, and he tapes you, he slates you, you do it. Within an hour, you have your audition. Oh, that's great.

at the fucking house, and then you send it to your agent. Perfect. And guess what? It's the same fucking thing. It's the same fucking thing. So do it. And it saves you three hours. Three hours.

I did it. That's how I got. Am I lying here? They called me a year ago to come in for an Italian tailor. One day shoot for a fucking tailor. I'm a stand-up. I'm a stand-up and it's a stand-up show. Right.

Why would I want to be a tailor? Right. So I said, nah, I'm good. Thank you very much. I'm busy that day. Again, that was one of those drives into the Mount the hell. You know, I don't, if I'm home for the week, I'll take the drink. When I'm home for a whole week, this is when I do podcast for people.

I got time to spread my wings. Monday to Wednesday, I ain't got much time. I get that shit. I got the kid. I got swimming, you know, I got ballet tonight. You know what I'm saying? so you just don't have the time so if you're just going to make me go down there

is this for producers for a pilot that we're going to shoot and this is real money like we're talking yeah yeah I'm there with the shoe shine I got toenail polish on my fucking nuts are fucking shaved I know my lines and I'm giving it hell I'm giving it hell right now I love those rooms

and I walk in and then there's four motherfuckers in there, and I get them going in there, and I get them going before the lines even come out. Get laughs. Once they start talking to me about something, I take them through a journey of psychological abuse, and then the lines are on, and now even though I don't get it, they thought about me for two days before they pulled the trigger. I got a story for you. Yeah, they pulled the trigger. They made me, they were like, wait a second.

Before we pay this guy $60,000, let's look at this guy again one more time for fucking the small. You know what I'm saying? I go on this audition. We're doing this audition. We're just kind of slate and everything. And this guy's having conversation. And somehow it's brought up like, how do you want to do? He goes, I don't know, man.

I think you should do whatever the fuck you want to do. We had this motherfucker in last week. This guy's dropping end bombs on fucking everybody. And, you know, the producer, the casting director is like, you'll never work in this town. You'll never work in this town. You're fucking dead. Gets a call from the director. He fucking booked that motherfucker.

Who do I find out it is? Joey motherfucking Diaz fucking is the guy that they were talking about that booked this fucking gig that started dropping N-bombs in the middle of the audition and the fucking casting director went nuts but the people above them fucking loved it

and you got the gig. That's a fucking real story I fucking heard in an audition. For a video game. Probably dude. I don't know where it is. You start dropping N-bombs and the casting director's like,

I don't know, you're never going to work at this town. And the director's like, Hire that motherfucker. In an audition, you got to push the envelope. God, go for it, dude. If you don't push the envelope, you're not going to get the road. The director wants to see you push the envelope. Ask for forgiveness, not permission, dude.

Go big in the hole. I tell people when they do to audition. I mean, for the podcast, just be out, don't have to worry about funny. Just be outrageous. Go hard in the pain. Go hard. Make them fucking have to look at you tend to bring them back in again.

Sam, thank you for coming on. Anytime, dude. class. Where are you performing again? Okay, so tomorrow night, Thursday, the 22nd, I believe it is. We are, I'm doing the naughty show. Pan House Pet. Pan House Presents the Nottie Show live at the LA Comic Club in the Stratosphere.

I got Kenna James, Pan House Pet. We're giving away Topco, Vibears for all the ladies. There you go. And then the fucking next night, Friday and Saturday night, Eddie Bravo and I and my buddy Reed back, Becker, We're doing the Tim Foy Hot Comedy Night Conspiracies and Comedy all night. L.A. Comic Club, 1130, Friday, Saturday night, go to the L.A. Comedy Club.com. And finally, March 25th, I'm shooting my special at the Viper Room.

It's called Zero Fucks. And we're shooting two shows. I believe it's going to be 7.30 and 9.30. So I think it's only going to be 100 people in each show. So let a brother know, because I'm ham-picking these motherfuckers. Some chicks like, I'm bringing like five of my friends. I'm like, no, dude, you bring you and one other chick, do you know, is dead on the inside, and is he going to be getting offended about anything?

I'm ham picking every motherfucker in here. Nice touch, bro, the Vip Room. I like your fucking style. Sam Tripli. Let me drop something on you, and I'll let you go. I know you got things to do. It's Thursday. You're like, Joey, what the fuck you're going to talk about?

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Lee, look at you. You're looking like in seeing the world. We haven't even gotten to Denver yet. I can't wait to see your face Friday. You're going to be on the phone with mom thinking about going back the fucking Israel or something like that. Anyway, let me explain something to you, all right?

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Let's go for it. Go to Squarespace.com for a free trial when you're ready to launch. You know when you're ready to launch right now? Enough for sitting there, scratching, thinking about the future. What's going to happen? Who cares? If you don't give it a shot, How are you going to know?

Go to Squarespace.com. Use OffercodeCurch and save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. That's it. It's time for you to make the move. That's Squarespace.com. Enter code church. I want to thank my man, boom, boom, trippily. Don't forget I'm in Alabama next week.

Huntsville. I'm coming in big off a fucking plane with a parachute. It's all over. and then I'm going to fucking levity leave. Leavity live and fucking Nyak the home of the witness relocated. Anyway, I love you, motherfuckers. I love Sammy Trips.

I love you too, buddy. Thank you very much for coming on. Anytime all the time. Lee Syed, don't forget about me. You know the Jews love me. Have a great weekend, and I'll see you guys this weekend in Denda. Stay black.