The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #562 - Theo Von

Episode Date: February 27, 2018

Theo Von, Comedian and host of the "This Past Weekend" and "Allegedly" podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 02/26/2018.
  

My favorite time growing up was when the power would go out and we would all get around together. You know what I'm saying? When the power would be out of at the house. That's what Bill's families, brother. Welcome to Podcastville. The church of what's happened now is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Hiring, every business needs great people. And the better way to find them, something better than posting your job online and just praying for the right people to see it.

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Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church, C-H-U-R-C-C-C-H. That's ziprecruiter.com slash church. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. And to my family, Aubrey, and Onet, the best supplements out there. I came back yesterday. I was jacked up to the fucking gills from the flight in a high altitude. I took some new mood and an alpha brain, and I fucking took a nap. I woke up tip-top, Magoo.

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It's Monday the 26th of February 2018 But it don't matter what time it is It's your day to sling dick Motherfuckus What Sling a ling baby Oh shit

This is early molestation days right here This is when he started He would just like tickle your nuts And shit like that Dude I'd fuck I'd fuck this kid bro He sounds beautiful Oh shit!

What a better way to start a week than when fucking Theo Von in the house, ladies and gentlemen. What do you think about that? Happy to be here on the church, man. Great to see you, man. Great to see you, man. Great things always.

And you're on your way up, up, up. Following your footsteps, man. Not my footsteps. It's just what happens when you work hard. You're leaving these giant tracks out there, man. It's just the results of fucking sticking with it. You know, I went to Denver this week. Yeah.

And last Wednesday, we were leaving Thursday morning. And I didn't know about what I was going to walk in myself into, you know? I did an edible with Lee Wednesday afternoon, and I went to my daughter's ballet class. And while I was sitting there, I had like a nervous breakdown. I had to get water from my wife. My wife didn't know. I didn't tell nobody. You know, I was going home.

I was going back Colorado to where I got on stage for the first time. Wow. That club was the first time. I got on stage for the first time with the Denmark comedy work. And that night, I got, like, the full aptitude of what, and I had to leave the house. I even went into the spot with Leo over at the fourth wall just to rant, you know, for five minutes, just because I just, I was about to have a nervous fucking break. I was going home.

Wow. This is the place where I started. Like, people don't understand. When you start in your home club, you're never going to get loved there because they always remember you as you were. Yeah. So people always have beefs with their home club. Oh, that's interesting. Like, if you start in Dallas and the Dallas Improv, as you progress, they won't hire you as a feature.

And then they always remember you that way. So it's kind of weird to climb up a chain. And I was on my way on the chain that the comedy works. Yeah. I was doing guest spots, like a 10-minute guest spots. Yeah. And there was this dude that worked there, Tim O'Shea. And me and him were tight.

Like, me and you. We were open micas together. Like, what are you doing Thursday night? I'm going to the rest of the year. now. I'll see you there. Me, him, Jeff Sargent, Jimmy Abeda. You know, it was like 10 open micers that you become friends with them with. Yeah. Him and I used to drive together

to these gigs. And one night at the Comedy Works, we did like an open mic, we're hanging out, and I'm walking up the stairs. Like, it used to be a little deeper then. She ran down. When she saw him, she was one of those girls, she said, Theo, you know, when they jump on you. And when she

jumped, I grabbed me, and I grabbed her ass. And she landed right there, but I didn't grab maliciously. That's just a natural That's not natural grab. He saw it and he went to her and tried to convince her to go to manager and say that I sexually harassed. So they banned me from this club for

20 years. No. She never said nothing bad about me, Wendy. She just banned me. It was between me and her. Yeah. And she goes, I can't have you here because the attorneys and stuff were going to get involved. It shattered me, but at the same time it made me leave. It was the final straw in that I have to leave

campaign in my life. things ain't getting better here. Right. They just get worse every day. And if they cut my legs out with comedy worse, the other two clubs sucked. Right. You were done.

So I was done. Because you better, yeah, you got to have something to prop you up. There were sea clubs. Yeah. The three remaining clubs are sea clubs. Yeah. And they were going to feature me too. And what are you going to do?

You're going to get $2.50 a week for the rest of your life and staying in Denver. You'd have been stuck. You would have been stuck. So I made the move because of Wendy. When I bumped into on one of those tours, the Dave Chappelle tours, you know, in the summertime, she asked me if I was, mad. I said, no.

We made up. I told that she saved my life. I would have been in prison if she didn't ban me. And I'm back to the headline. And it was just weird. Six sold-out shows in my backyard where I first fucking started. Where'd you start?

What was the first stage you got on? I think I started actually down in Louisiana, but only just briefly. Is there a comedy scene in Louisiana? There's nothing, Brian. There's a lot of people. A lot of guys down there They're just haters, really, when you get out of there. There's a lot of angry dudes there.

Now, okay, what's the closest city to you? Baton Rouge? Yeah, Baton Rouge. Baton Rouge used to have a funny bone. That funny bone. Did you work it? Oh, yeah, I worked that club. Okay.

Yeah. When the girl was the manager. No, uh, when the guy, uh, this guy named Tommy, he was a DJ as well. And he, uh, was the manager and you could get over there. And it was like the first place I ever featured for, I featured for John Reap. And, and it was awesome. How long did it take you to start featuring that? Pretty quick, man.

I was featuring like three years in. I was featuring just because I had like a out of the gate, I had a pretty good, you know, 15 minutes. You could stretch it at a bar, you know, drop some F bombs, call somebody fat. Next thing you know, you're at 20 minutes, you know? So like I was stretching it pretty good down there. And then, yeah, I don't even remember.

And then after a while, just, you know, just stuck with me. But I can imagine, dude, I can really imagine that feeling of going home and feeling some appreciation. Because sometimes it's like you get out of there, you're the crab that got out of the pot for some people, you know? Well, then that's the other side. The other side of that was that that's also the place I went to prison. Yeah.

That's also a place when my daughter was born. That's also a place where I have an ex-wife. It's just a lot of mixture all going in. And then I get there, and I'm asking about the comics that I came up with, you know. and not one of them is around. They all got out of the business. They all did this. And that gave me a different feeling.

It gave me like a little, I don't know, kind of feeling like guilty in a way that I stuck with it. Like I felt guilty that I stuck with it instead of quitting and coming out here. It was just a weird feeling, bro. Why did you feel like, oh, they're going to look at me like I think I'm special because I was, because I'm still doing it? That's what I would think a little bit. I know. It was just weird that, listen, man,

I stuck with comedy because I had no knowledge. I mean, this is it. I wasn't going to go back to, I was going to go back to slinging drugs and robbing people. There was no other job. I was not equipped to have a day job anymore. Oh, yeah.

There was one point where I just was not going to have a day job. I never wanted a fucking job. Dude, I don't picture you having that. I'll picture you doing comedy or fucking stabbing somebody, honestly, no offense. I swear to God. Like I didn't. Yeah.

I had tried everything. I cook, you name it. Bricklayer, electrician, carpenter. I was a fucking barback. You know, I don't know how many bartending jobs I had. I don't know how many factory fucking jobs I had. I can't even imagine how many warehouse jobs I had, pulling like fucking those things and stocking shells.

Yeah. I can't even tell you, you know? If that's what I wanted to do, I would have stuck with it. I can't tell you how many drives. I had at a hardware store. I can't begin to fucking tell you guys. And ain't you calling, man?

That this was it. No. This chooses you after a certain point. It just chooses you. It really does. You just, like, I had no other options. I was 30, I was 28 years old. I had a felony.

Well, I was going to fucking lie in the stock market or to be a lawyer. Ain't nobody who not hire me on the fucking stock market. I was done. I was done. That was it. That was it. So I figured that least case scenario, you could be a road comic and make $6 to $700 a week, live in your car and live like Charles Bronson.

Four nights a week, have a hotel, and three nights a week, sleep in your car, and learn out of camp. I mean, I'm dead serious about this. Yeah. This is how disheveled I was inside at that time with the world. I just wanted to drive in a car. That's it. I just wanted to be alone for a couple years in a fucking car. And guess what?

That's exactly what I did. Yeah. I was in a car for five fucking years in a car. Some nights I slept in a car, some nights in a hotel, some nights in people's couches. Damn. And do I regret it at all? Fuck no. Fuck no.

It prepares you for the rejection. It makes this shit seem like nothing. Right. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it makes you start to own, like, Like, whatever, like, no matter what you put me through or say to me, I've created enough shit in my own life that you don't even know about. You know, I got arrested at 6 o'clock for assault, and the show started at 9, and I bailed out at 5 to 9 in Idaho. I still got a horn up in Idaho, you know.

I mean, I went through the fucking mill as a road comic. I was doing C.W. Kendall work, David Trimmel work. You know, anybody who had one-nighters, I did them. I took this Doug Stanhope format. Yeah. All Triple Ones. That's what Stanhold did. Stanhope wasn't busting his ass in New York,

bringing five people to a fucking show. Yeah. Stanhope started in Vegas. He got evening at the improv as a feature act, and he was unstoppable after that. You know why? He got a Buick. He put a fucking stick in the back.

I mean, I didn't invent this. I just mimic somebody else. Yeah. I just mimic somebody. else. When I saw him in 96, I'd never seen anything like that. Wow. I met him in 91 as

a feature act. Then he came back to the Boulder Comedy Club and I was the House MC and now he was a headliner because he had done a spot of the evening at the improv. And it was different? He was the headliner now. Right. And then I didn't see him again. From 92, I didn't see him again

but there were bickering about this fucking kid that's ripping up fucking rooms. I mean, there was amongst chitter chat. And they kept saying, his name is Doug Stann. I'm like, I know that motherfucker. He slept at my house one night. He was so cool. I was the house

MC at the Boulder broker. And it was part of a Tribble one. You know David Trimble is? Yeah. He's a book in the Pacific Northwest. Yeah. So he used to book Tuesdays was the broker. Wednesdays you head off. That sucks for a comic. That's when you spend all your money.

made on Tuesday. Yeah, that sucks for a comic. Right there. You only get, for those, in that time, he was giving you $125 a night, and he paid you 50 up front and $75 in a check. So you picked up $50 cash. That's it. So you had to either figure it out if the headliner was cool, I had a condo.

I let him stay there. There was a couple guys I let stay there that were just cool. They left them on it. And Doug Stanhope was one of those guys. Wow. So. What was he like? Do you remember kind of what he was like?

At that time, I knew he was funny. He was young. He reminded me he was just young. He was a kid. Yeah. He was just a wise-ass kid when I first saw him. That's awesome. I was 29.

Yeah, maybe 29 because this is, yeah, this is 1991 is when I won the contest. 92 is when I met Doug Stanhoe. 92. And then again, 93, and then I lost the job, and I never saw him again. Wow. And like I said, I heard bickering of him, and then he won the San Francisco comedy competition. Dang. Now, he was not working the punchline.

He wasn't working. Nobody was hiring that motherfucker. And he popped out of nowhere. His act was so fucking blue. And he was killing it. Like, Tribble, when you get the paperwork from Tribble, there's certain hotels that are Mormons. Red Lion Inns You can't cause in those fucking places

They have Mormon hotels No If you do Provo Utah Oh okay And it's a red lion in They'll tell you that there's They'll tell you on the fucking paper This is a Mormon room

Watch your language People get offended Then the next night they put you in a room That says This is an active room Yeah If you get thrown Something thrown at you

Get off the stage immediately And contact the management Or go to the hospital And you're like What? What? Do not stop. Do not antagonize. No, no, no.

It's that being guy. You know, it's it. But, and you know, like, I did those in the winter. You know. That's that volatile room. They're all volatile rooms. And then the fucking shows in and they turn it into a disco. And it's just white people, but there's always three black guys that suck getting to their dick sucked.

And there's two rednecks of the furious of the black people. You know, I mean, it's fucking crazy. It's an adventure. in itself. You know, I went on a triple run for probably eight months. That's all I lived on was triple runs.

Two weeks of the shot, stay on the road. No. Live off the fat of the land for fucking two days in your car. Going to the movies and sneaking into other movies and staying in there all day. Living off subway sandwiches,

the veggie and cheese. That type of shit. What do you miss about that? What do I miss about that? I know it's kind of a general question, but The truth? Yeah. Not knowing.

Not knowing is one of the best places you could ever put yourself in your life. Not knowing, because you got the balls of a child. Yeah, that's true. You got the balls of a child. You only ever take a chance. You won't ever. You don't know. You won't know.

You don't understand what that's like. Yeah, you get safe. A lot of time I feel like I get safer as I get old. You know, when you come up to me and your bank account is 12-5 and you tell me that you're broke, that you're living, you know, there's people that think they're cute. They got 13,000 in the bank account. And they're like, you know, I'm living day to day, bitch. Yeah, I'm talking about $50 is what I own.

This car is what I own. Yeah. When I wake up in the morning, I don't even know if this car is going to make it to the next gig. But guess what? I'm going to try my hardest because I'm a fucking professional. Yeah. That is a distinctive level to put yourself in your life. And as a comic, if you're a real comic at one point in your life,

when you fall in love with this art one day, and you tell me, Jodeas, I'm not doing this podcast no more. I'm going to live off my fucking savings and live off $50 a fucking night. And you know what? I'm not going to take a day job. I love this so much. I put away savings.

My school loans are paid. I don't know nobody's money. You don't know what that's like to just disappear. And get in a fucking car. with everything you're on, give away your bed, your fucking TV, give away all your shit. Give away everything.

Like all you did. That takes a different mental. When I got in that car in June of 1980, 95, that was the best thing I ever did with my life. Like I had been out in the cold before, I had been alone before. That was a completely different feeling. I was living off what I loved for the first time in my life.

Man. Not what I had to do to pay the fucking. shitty bills and student loans and to pay for fucking shit that I didn't fucking need a fucking TV or cable TV you don't know what it is to disconnect yourself for people to have conversations about TV and you don't even fucking know but you want me to tell what the best thing is about Lee you don't give a fuck you don't give a fuck because you're out there getting on stage every fucking night you don't give a fucking you think I I gave a, bro, from 95 to 2002, I didn't watch fucking, I didn't even know what the fuck TV was.

I didn't give a fuck about basketball. I didn't give a fuck about nothing. I gave a fuck about music. Yeah. Because that's all I, that's all I could do is listening to the car. Keep you going. You know, there wasn't books on audio yet. There was nothing.

It was a cassette deck with 20 fucking cassette. That's it. Lee, you'll never know what that's like to have no money. the bank to be in a hotel in Michigan where next door you hear people fucking and two doors down he was beating it yeah but it doesn't matter because you're going to do what you love so much that is a fucking feeling that people live all their lives and they never fucking experience loving something trying to be that good at something that is there's nothing to it there's no guarantees when you get into this.

If I go to school to be a doctor. Yeah, you could be a doctor. I could do anything after that. I could be an assistant. You know what? I don't want to be a doctor, but I'll be the highest paid assistant in that fucking office. X-ray tech? You have no idea.

It's like when you take a gun and point in a man and you take a life. That takes you to a different level in your life. That puts you in a different perspective. That puts you in a different world. You have no disregard for a human life. Now you do it again. Now every time you have a beef with somebody, I come up here and I just shoot you in the fucking head.

Every time I have a beef with somebody, that takes you to a different level. Not knowing where you're... Now, I had tons of practice about not knowing. In 83, I used to wake up and go to a diner and put breakfast on the arm until 5 o'clock. Were you conditioned? You don't even realize it. So I would force myself to make money by 5 o'clock to give the Achardis back their breakfast money.

You know, it was $7. bucks and then I take a 20 out and sign for it just to get the party start yeah 20s I go to the ball get a cocktail see what's going on listen I got watches I got 100 quay lutes let's make something happen get Theo von he likes ludes get him on the phone Leo I got ludes four dollars a piece what are you going to give me

the lutes for me I'm gonna give you eight bucks that's for sure $2.50 all right deal give me four he wants 25 at 250 I just made 45 bucks I just covered breakfast and I can have two or three more drinks I can get a $20 sack of Coke but I'm not going to do that I'm going to buy ludes and sell more I'm gonna tell me 50 because with the Leo's money I'm gonna flip the

other ones and make a fucking dollar you know what I'm saying yeah and it started my new so what joe you made 46 bucks 46 bucks when you wake up not knowing yeah that's fucking 10,000 in the bank jack yeah you know we it's a lottery that's a lottery when you do that when you don't know when you get something when you get something yeah you have no idea what I endure from 95 to 2000. People like Josh Wolf will tell you, I lived in my car in front of his house. Some nights I went on his couch.

Some nights I went to Ralphie Mae's fucking house and slept there. And yeah, I was an addict, but I was working every fucking night. Right. I was working. I was on stage three times a fucking night at the store following Paul Mooney

doing two Mexican rooms in a car that had no breaks with no insurance and no registration. You understand me? And every time the fucking black lady with the donut head who saw it in Hollywood I got a ticket

I had 2,000 tickets on that fucking car and it wasn't even in my name it was the casting director's name dude that's the best man that's one thing I do remember about like you know just being a little younger

and a little more carefree was having shit in other people's name doing shit not Karen not Karen you don't give a fuck I was just telling these guys I had a car that blew up in New York yeah I took a loan on that car

like I took a loan out on that fucking car when I was a kid I had the car for 10 days and it lit on fire in all of them and it was getting a eight balled coke and the winter the electrical circuitry went and I left it there

the next two, three days later I went back in the car, it was gone it was just a wish boat and dog I took a bank loan out on there like a $2,000 bank loan cosign I didn't give a fuck even the coside never said nothing to me about it I'm like damn

what is he gonna hate on me I forgot all about Dude, we had this guy named Andy speaking of fire. He ran into a fire, into a house fire to get some Coke and got all fucking burnt up. And not even a bunch, like a couple grams, dude. And nobody ever kind of brings it up with him, you know, because it's kind of embarrassing, I guess, you know? Thinking you ran back in to get a little bit of Coke and just got burnt up pretty good. But yeah, man, I miss being younger, dude.

I miss just feeling like I had more time to just waste if I wanted to or just experience. You know, I just miss that freedom of being like, ah, the next five years, anything had happened. Like right now, if I didn't have mercy and my wife, we would get off the fucking podcast Wednesday afternoon, me and Lee, and we'd be on a plane Wednesday night and a red eye. Land, Thursday, sleep all day, do two shows Thursday, got on another plane, do two shows Friday, get on another plane, do two shows Friday, get on another plane. do two shows Friday get on another plane and do two shows Saturday and come back

I do that three times a fucking month yeah and some weeks we ain't even coming back on a fucking Sunday we're gonna go into the city and hang out

go to Costa Rica no I'm not going to Costa Rica we got to fucking Costa Rica what I'm saying is like I can see you guys in Costa Rica let's say I'm in Miami

for a few days fuck it I'll book West Palm you know I book like Tampa yeah stay in Miami

eat fucking good food get some sun on Wednesday They'd take Lee up to Tampa. Yeah. And you're out of town for two weeks, and you're covered two weeks, and you don't have to come home. We could do the podcast on the road.

That would be the ideal life right now. Yeah. I would love to be able to do that. I wouldn't do anything. I mean, I wouldn't give up my family right now at all for anything in the way. Right. But if I didn't have mercy of my wife, get the fuck. I'd go on the road, old school, Ketal.

Three weeks a shot. Three weeks. Stay out there. Lee, you're coming for three weeks. We're doing podcasts in Miami, Tampa, and Atlanta, Georgia, or fucking D.C. And then come home after three weeks. Stay out. Unless you have an audition or something, there ain't no reason I really come home.

Stay out there and get it done. There really isn't. There really isn't. There really isn't a reason. Every time I get back, I'm like, what am I here for? Just clean clothes, you know? Just to see some friends to go to the comedy store. Those are the only things that keep me really, you know, enjoying the atmosphere, man.

Yeah, I miss fuck, dude. I miss doing good drug. is doing some LSD, man. LSD was always if I could go back in time, that's something I would do more of as a child, you know. Dude, I miss doing drugs when you were young, bro, because you didn't know what the how long have you been clean, though? You didn't know anything. Year and a half, a little over a year and a half.

How you feel? I feel good, you know, I feel better, I think. I feel a little bit more emotionally okay. My biggest thing wasn't, I wasn't addicted to drugs or alcohol, but I was, I was addicted to feeling bad about myself. and when I would get to certain places in those feelings, I would then use drugs. You know, I just ended up doing drugs by myself

because I could be by myself where I felt the only place I still felt comfortable and I could do drugs, which would make me feel good. So... You have my antisocial issues like I have from time to time. Yeah, it would just get bad. Yeah. And it didn't know. Yeah, there wasn't anything good because I didn't have any, you know,

resources built up that made me feel okay. When you go to the comedy store, is there an anchor at the comedy store? Sue you. Yeah, Adam, Adam Eggget. Okay. There's always, Adam is the Booker?

Yeah, Booker. But is there, like, when I see you, you get genuinely happy. Oh, yeah, I feel you, yeah. I feel good when I see you. I have that. I need an anchor at the store. Yeah. That's why I don't like the store sometimes during the week.

You go down there, the halls are empty. And it's a great audience and stuff, but the halls are empty. Makes you feel, yeah. And you feel like your anchors aren't there. That's when I get anxiety. Oh, that's interesting. That's when I get anxiety with my anchors aren't there when I'm solo, when I'm by myself.

Yeah. No Ari, no Joe, no nobody. Yeah, I know Eric Griffin, and I love him to death, and I know Neil Brennan, I love him to death. Right. But they're not the click I hang out with, you know, I mean, I've known Eric forever. I should get him on the podcast.

Next time I see him, I want to get him on a podcast. But it's funny how sometimes you go to the store and there's nobody there. Yeah. Like, there's nights I go to flappers, and I see young comics, and I get happy. Yeah. Like, they're still in it for two years or three years.

Sometimes I go to the improv. You know, you bump into people. Like, I just bumped into the guy that created marijuana logs. Him, Doug Benson, excuse me, and Roger Rittenhouse, were roommates. And in like the late 90s, they created this show like a play. They're doing it. They've heard of it, I think. Marijuana.

They did it in New York, right? Yeah, they did it in New York. Marijuana logs. Marijuana laws. I just bumped into that guy. I hadn't seen him in 10 years. Yeah, that's a joy of seeing people, you know? I mean, yeah, when you go up there, it's like, yeah, I love him.

love seeing, you know, certain people. Makes me feel good. Certain people I know I can talk to. People I know are always, like, Tripoli, always, I can always talk to Tripoli a little bit because he always hot on the new conspiracy theory. You know, somebody's, you know, fucking kids for cheeseburgers or something out in Milwaukee or something, you know, something crazy. You know, there's always something wild.

I saw Sayat, I think, where was the other night? You had just gotten up and did comedy. Where was that at? Is it the store? It was either the store, maybe Sam's room. Yeah, that was exciting, man. That was crazy. That was awesome.

That lifting my spirits up. Yeah, there's just, yeah, sometimes you just get so excited to see. And I feel safe there. I feel safe at the store. You know, some places I go, I still feel a little bit nervous. But the comedy store,

I feel safe at it. When I go to a new town, I feel, whenever I go to anywhere, when the first night, I was getting bad at the night, and Friday, and Friday night that the fucking comedy works.

Yeah. But once you get up there, the anxiety becomes... It must have felt good, walking out on that stage man well it always feels good when you walk on the stage but it's so weird that that fear that you have before you go

up when flips it flips as soon as you touch the microphone and it goes into the microphone and for years you hear a flow and energy and when you do stand-up comedy that's when you really see it yeah like when you go to yoga they talk about energy and this

and this and this I'm feeling your body I never feel dick yeah I feel I can't breathe I can't carry myself. I'm really fucking pounds. That's what I feel. What I do feel when I'm on stage is the transformation of anxiety and fear into a little bit of anger, a little bit of rage, and a little bit of funny. Yeah.

And that's what that journey taught me. That journey teaches you how to take that fear. I was, Paul Mooney told him, once you stop getting scared, don't go on state no more. That's the day you quit. I had a lot of anger for years. A lot of my, on stage, it was anger. It was like, I want to show these people. You know, there was something wrong.

It was just anger that was separate in my life. It had nothing to do with the stage. And only recently in the past couple years has it become more, you know, I feel a responsibility. Like I have a gift a little bit from God just to communicate. And I don't know. This may be the facet that's always in, comedy. I don't know. But that I have to use this gift to, you know, help just somehow make other people feel good.

now I feel a little bit more when I get on stage, like, I'm here to work for these people, whereas it used to just be me. It was like, I'm here to just show, you know, just prove I can do this. And maybe that was the fighting instinct that I needed to stay, to survive in this. But now I feel more comfortable knowing like, okay, you know, I still get nervous for sure, especially I'm trying new bits out or if I'm in a new stage. My feet are touching a new stage for the first time. It's like a baby deer being born. But I do feel more now like, okay, this is a team effort. people, they want to have fun. They're not judging me as much as I just always thought everybody was in my head. And I'm here to help them have a good time. We're going to work together. I feel that vibe more now.

When you first started, were you frustrated at one point? I was fucking angry, dude. Were you frustrated with the system, your life, yourself? I was frustrated with my life, dude. I was first, I was just angry. You know, I had that kind of like, you know, I had that, I think I had a little bit of that poor white anger, you know, the same type of just, you know, nobody gives a fucking. about poor white people in America, it seems like, you know, except for poor white people. So, you know, I had a little bit of that angst. You know, I knew dude, I mean, you know, I grew up around some fucking real crazy poor white people.

You know, a dude, no, they had a dude in our town, no arms, used to fucking fight everybody. You know, that dude. You know what I'm saying? He'd get you in that lurch. He would catch you between his chin and his chest. He would fucking snack you like a snake. We were talking about this dude. His boy Gert was his name.

And he would just get you like that, bro. And he'd choke you down. He had no arms. No arms at all. And he'd fight anybody, dude. And he would choke you, he would... So if you went to punch him, how would he block? Oh, bro.

He'd spin out of it. He'd spin. He'd duck. He'd dodge. I mean, he'd just... And would he catch your hand with his neck? Huh? Would he catch your hand?

Oh, he would just lurch at you. And, bro, the thing is, here was that... Oh, you know what? If he hits you with that shoulder, you're going down. Yeah, part of it. The big room was that choke. He would get... He would catch you like this.

Where? would he catch you your hand? In your neck. He would catch you neck to neck. That's fucking crazy. Once he got you neck to neck, Gert you, but this whole family,

the whole family was fucking You could choke you out. Psychos, bro. Brother had sharpened half of his teeth on one side of his mouth, dude. These people would fuck you up. One of the kids was in a wheelchair, just they never taught him to walk,

I think. I don't even think he was crippled. They just never taught him to walk. And so the other brother would carry him on his back everywhere, like a backpack, dude. And didn't even give a fuck. maybe it's good these people are

away from society an entire family? No shirts bro. Whole family, zero shirts. Those people don't waste shirts. The girl didn't have shirts either. They had one girl in the family. What was her name? Jessica. She was normal? She was

pretty nice. I thought she was a sweet girl for as tough as, you know, everything had had gone on down there. And they used to put a board over to sink at night and one of them would sleep over to sinks. They had 11 children. I mean, the little, I mean the house, no joke was two of these studios. You know, and they had 11

kids in there. But yeah, it's like I grew up in that type of environment where it's just like, I don't know, you don't feel like anybody gives a fuck about you. So I think a lot, it took a long time for some of that to get out of my system. I still feel it when I go around like really rich people who think that they know everything. Man,

that stuff makes me mad, dude. It was funny. I was telling Lee that this morning I woke up. I mean, I slept so much yesterday and last night I fucking slept hard. I woke up like a fucking 4.30 in the morning wide away. Ready to fucking kill Monday. Ready for kickboxing at 9. And I did my usual shit.

I went over my audition on the sides and I wrote it out and I wrote my stuff for the day. And then I went and I fucked around. Then I want a messenger. Like you ever go on Facebook Messenger? I want a messenger just to see because sometimes messages accumulating. Yeah, yeah. You get some in there.

I got a message this morning. It was like the weirdest thing. It was like fate. I was telling Lee when I came in. I go, Lee, were you not in agreement with me all weekend? And they go, yeah, I go, Lee, I got an email today from a couple. Yeah. I went to the Facebook page.

I didn't even answer them back. But the first line was, you're a sham, like a scam, like, whatever that word is. A farce. A farce or something. We went to see you Friday night, and we could visibly tell that you were on cocaine. No. Oh, my God. They were like drug geniuses.

They had to be rogue and people. When I went back to their page, they had 10 pictures of Rogan. They went to see Rogan like in eight places. They're the ones that always ask Rogan, annoying questions on the road. And Rogan will look at him like, are you fucking crazy. There's no better look that when Rogan gives that look people. Rogan gives you that look. Are you fucking crazy?

They just say stupid shit to Rogan to seem intellectual. And there's 200 people behind your guy. Chit, chit, let's go. Take a hike. Take the picture and take a fucking hike. Yeah. So you could tell he's one of those guys that he'll see Rogan. and right away he called me a farce,

that I was obviously on cocaine, that there was no way that I was clean that my energy levels on stage were too high for my age for me to be on cocaine. He said, but I knew how to hide it. You weren't sniffling or wiping your nose. Dog, as soon as you do a line of coke, this shit starts dripping out of your fucking nose.

That's the first tell. I could look at somebody now. Now I can really see it. Oh, yeah. Then when I was under the influence, I couldn't see it now. I can really see it. Dude, everybody, my buddy, this one dude, used to put his, he would start, do a little dust,

you know, start touching his asshole, bro. By the end of the night, if we had a couple of bags, he'd have four fingers in his fucking ass, dude. He had like a, you know, some of those people eat their hair. You see those videos where people eat their hair, you know? He just had like a weird tick like that where he would just, I don't know what it was. He just like, under the pants? He would go in the pants?

Oh, in his ass, in his own ass. Oh, my God. Yeah. I had a guy that used to do. this. He would hold up it. Like, he would be talking to him to you and he'd go, he would tighten up his neck. He would just flip out

time to time. And then I had another guy that when he'd get cooked up, he was bald. So he always felt like something was landing on his head. So every eight minutes, he would tell you and he would look at, point to his head to tell you that, look, is there

a bug, do you see it like tight? But you can see it. Like he wants you to be an investigator for him? Yeah, like Do I have anything on my head? Let me know. It's like those people that tell you your nose is clean. I got anything on my nose?

He would look at me. He didn't have to say them. He would, let's say he started snorting on 11 with me. Yeah. By 1.30, that would start. He wouldn't get paranoid. He wouldn't drive me crazy. He wouldn't say a lot of shit.

He would just tell me that he had a spider on his head. Then after two or three hours, he would start smack his own. And that's when you would fucking die a laugh. What he would smack his own? Be honest, Joey, after like the first couple of times he asked you, would you just start, like, looking above his head? Just like, I think there's something on your forehead. Oh, I tortured him for days, that poor bastard. I think he stopped hanging with me because one night.

He must have smacked himself 90 fucking times for three hours. He was punching himself in the head because I kept telling him, I'm feeling spiders. I tortured. There was like, I've tortured 18 people when they're hot. Even when I'm hot, I can be fucking stone until they go. Oh, yeah. The best torture I ever did ever. in my 55 year existence

was to my ex-wife in San Francisco on acid. That was one of the best times I ever had in my life, ever by myself. I kept town, I got to get it together, you got to pick your father up at the airport. And she was like, my father's coming in?

I mean, it was fucking crazy. That's a good one, too. I had her looking for her keys. And then I had a Bruce Lee poster, and I would look at it and look at her and go, don't tell her. And she would look at me. me at the Bruce Lee Post.

I was tormenting on one night, that poor girl. You wonder why she hates me with all my fucking heart. That's so vague and good at the same time. Oh my God, I got her on one of those 12-hour fucking grateful dead hits asses for like nine hours.

You're just burning. We were burning. We were burning. It was 1985. We were burning. A bunch of koalas playing volleyball with your brain. I got it in San Francisco. The first hour and a half is mild

and then it just goes into over. drive and you're seeing shit, you're hearing shit. Yeah. You can't focus on the TV. Only music could be on. Lee, you're all right? You feel anything? I'm just, I'm thinking about how, when you're on acid, how can you

torture somebody? Like, that's like, well, you just think of something that's casual enough just to catch a little bit of their, just a couple of their senses at the same time, and people will squirreel out, dude. My buddy made it put them in a, in a, out in the yard on a mattress one time

It's the only way he could function, dude. Another buddy of mine took all his clothes off and started driving. He drove for like five hours. Do we have no clue where he went? And he came back in the morning. And he was still, you know, he was out of gas, but he was. And butt-ass naked? They still butt-ass naked.

Yeah, some people just have to, you know, they get in the lane when they're on the dust, man. Let me tell you something, bro. I miss that. There was a time in this country where if a movie came out, there was an undercurrent. And there wasn't Twitter, and there wasn't Facebook, and there wasn't social media. But there was an understanding that if you went to see that movie,

you were going to see that movie on that. Wow. Okay, that was it. You know, when we were younger, yeah. Like in the seventh and eighth grade, yeah, we'd get together on a Saturday, and we'd get in a bus, the number one bus to Jersey City,

and we'd go behind a fucking alley, and we'd smoke ten joints when you're in the seventh grade, and we'd get fucking baked. Oh, yeah. And go in and see the Pink Panther movies or Kentucky Fire. fried movie. There were just movies that there was an undercurrent

that you knew you weren't going to see that movie straight. Like your nays are going to see straight movies with your fucking family. Yeah, we did that. Rocky Horror Pitcher show, that was a popular. I did that later on. Right. Like, you went to see all the rock movies. At that

time, all the theaters had midnight showings of rock movies. There wasn't a lot of them. There was ten of them. They were all in rotation. Pink Floyd, Live at Pompeii. The song is the same. Neil Young and Crazy Horse, Neil Young, with the whole crew, Crosby Stills, Nash, and Young.

There were a couple of movies that were hour and half that you knew you were going to see them at midnight on Friday night. And that's what you and 20 of your friends did. But the most vivid movie, I still remember, going to see that. It was mandatory that you did ask it. It was apocalypse now.

It was known that you were not going to see that movie. Based on what? Who told you that? That was the word on the street. Before the movie even came out, like that was it. We're going to see that on assing. That was it.

Everybody's doing acid and going on. Like 20 of us will go and do fucking asses and go inside. You would hear people. It was 3D glasses without the 3D glasses. When they were doing the fucking scenes with the strippers and shit, that scene blew my mind because they did the Redux and they added all the Dutch scenes and shit. This is before.

all that. Fuck the Dutch, but when they were bombing them with the things, you're tripping your fucking balls off in the movie theater. We ate this acid that was double barrel sunshine, and we all went to see, I still remember vividly who I went to see that movie with.

And what one of the guys did, this guy, John Crowley, was a, there was a Carvel in that mall. This was the fan view cinema. The Carvel cakes with ice cream? Yeah, but there was a store that gave you the cone. And somebody went into the movie theater and threw the cone down, and it was

melting and then had a few ants around there was a long line and he goes watch I'll cut in front of the line he picked up the fucking ice cream and started we were all on acid his name is John Crowdenly he started eating the ice cream and everybody in that line fucking froze and we just walked him like

we owned a joint pot of acid we're fucking eating it no people on acid were watching my friend eat a cone of ice cream that was melting with ants on it he picked it up and ate it you think people were going to fuck with him after that and then before the movie started he went up on stage

we dead him go ahead go up downstairs and tell the people he was so fucked up on ask me he went up there he was like can I have your attention please ladies and gentlemen and there people were fucking howling because they had just seen him meet a fucking ice cream cone outside with ants on

it and shit you know like I went to all those another time I went to a movie I went to see ACDC with a friend of mine Kurt D Lorenzo

God bless us So, and we got, we did Coke that night and booze and we drank like Blackberry brandy. But me and him were tight. And one night we pulled the Lee on him, me, him and this kid Louis Castleto went to a movie. I can't remember what movie it was. But on the way home, we were on fucking fire. Yeah. Like the acid was beaming.

We were tripping. We were seeing shit. That's crazy, bro. And I think it was Louis. cast Alito kept saying guys I keep hearing sirens and there were sirens but I kept telling them I don't even no sirens

and the other dude played a long way he's like I don't hear them sirens we kept walking there must have been a fire somewhere there's sirens everywhere and this guy's like what I wonder what's going on why are there sirens and we're like we don't hear no fucking sirens knock it off and it had just

rain. Like, when we were in the movie dealer, it rained like, it rained a ton. And there was a pothole with water on it. Now, we'll fuck with him for at least 15 minutes about the fucking sirens. He's hitting his ears and shit. He's like, I've got to make

it stop. I got to make it go away. We're fucking howling me and Kurt. And there's a pothole filled with water. And I'll never forget he bent over and took the water and started coming on his face. No.

He started splashing the water on his face. And he kept saying, I still hear the sirens. And we're like, listen, knock it off. There's no fucking sirens. And after about another block again, he just took off and ran home. The next day, we saw him. He said, that was fucked up. He goes, I went home.

I can't hear it. It's sirens. Oh, my God. We are. That is the best. when you take some money where he knelt down on Kennedy Boulevard dog and splashed water on his face

from the pothole. I nearly fight it was right across from Fabu you fucking diner. Me and George, and there was a little hill so all the water ran into that pothole. Oh, nice. There was a couple of inches of water when he bent the street was still wet, but dog when he bent

over and splashed water on his face. That was a killer right there. I wonder if there was like an increase. some like mental institution like in that

from acid from just Joey oh just like just like the repercussions yeah yeah I mean acid was like a six people were always like

acid was more popular when I was young you know for six dollars you might fucking die bro you know what I'm saying you don't know what was going to happen with acid you know what I'm saying

yeah that was the thing that's the beauty of that's what I loved about it was like for six and people would always complain like this acid's no good like it was six fucking bucks

bro I'm saying? It was three bucks when I was growing up. Yeah, you're lucky you're not dead. You're lucky you're not dead. Dude, we had this boy Barry's shirts, and he would, uh, this dude, he took a hit too hard or had a bone, he might have taken like 10 or 20 hits one time. And he would start to keep an extra shirt with him, right?

And change his shirt when he was tripping. And then eventually it was like two shirts and in a bag, two shirts, three shirts. He was just sweating. Oh, just snow. Not even sweating. Just switching shirts, brus. You'd be hanging out with him. He'd leave the room and he would.

he'd come back in a different shirt. And so then if you were on an acid with him and you didn't know he did that shit, you didn't know he just had this kind of little psychosis thing he was going through. Where he's just switching shirts just fucking. So then every 40 minutes, he'd have on a different colored shirt. So if you were a new person, you didn't know. You'd be like, what the fuck, man? You'd think you were tripping even harder.

Do we had time? And I remember bad acid would come through town. And like everybody would start acting a certain way. People would start, you know, I remember one time people wore like a, a bunch of like kind of, you know, grateful dead type of stuff. People wore vests. They'd have like a bad batch of ass. It would come through next year. Half the town's

wearing fucking vests. You know, women are jelling their hair down. I remember one time. Dude, they had this one dude at this party and he'd apparently had taken a bunch of acid or he put in his mouth. And for, you know, four bucks, whatever, he would, like, spit into

your mouth like a hit of acid. Why would you do something like that? That's disgusting. But there wasn't anything else to do. So I'm going to let some fucking strange to spit acid in my mouth. Yeah. For four bucks, I can put the acid in my mouth for free.

But we didn't have it. Oh, you didn't have the four bucks. We had the four bucks, we didn't have the acid. He had it inside of his system. And for four bucks are in his, you know, he put it in his mouth. And then for four bucks, he'd fucking fired into you. So next thing you know, bro, we spent about $36. We're fired up.

Dude at this dude's party. This dude, I'll tell you, this dude, I see, Icey Mike, right? So this dude used to get ice from anywhere. Like he would get water and he had like a nice freezer. His family had one of those. You ever go downstairs in like some people's house and they keep meat in like an extra freezer?

Like they don't want you stealing their meat so they put it in like a special freezer down in the basement or the freezer has like a flat top. It has like a door on the top and you open it like that. And the whole thing's a freezer. There's no refrigerator. You know what I'm talking about? Like a big freezer?

Yeah, yeah, the old school. Yeah, so these people had you know, this dude, icy mic, would get water from different places, you know, fucking knit local water, fancy Lake Mead,

Lake Ponta train, Mississippi River, and freeze it. And then people come over and eat ice in the summer. We'd go over there and eat ice. He had water from everywhere. He had water from

Ireland, France, Lake Powell. You know what I'm saying? So we'd go by icy mics and fucking have a piece of ice. He'd break you off of a fucking chunk ice and everybody's sitting having ice from other places.

You know, it was kind of... Are you sure it just wasn't... He just didn't write it on the bottle? Like it was all from his faucet? Oh, no, you could taste. It was from different places, man. Some of it was brackish. Some of the shit was fucking, you know,

Iceland. Some of the ice he might get the fucking water from. Different places, man. He went himself? Oh, maybe his family went. I think his dad did some kind of traveling work. You thought he brought back gallons of fucking water. Have you lost your goddamn mind?

But I'm telling you, there's no other way... You guys got tricked. Nuh, there's no way he could have gotten these flavors in this water. Well, fucking flavors. Did they did this? Remember Pennantella did a show called bullshit? Yeah. 10 years ago in this fucking town in Beverly Hills, there was a water bar.

With these idiots went in there. They would drink fresh water, different curated waters. Sounds good. So one day, fucking Pennantella went in there, and they took the hose from the back, and they gave people that hose water, and they asked them what they thought. And you should have seen by people making assholes of themselves. Wow. This water is nutty.

It's tasted. And they would even give them. three glasses in the same water and he's fucking morons. Dude, this guy wouldn't smart enough to do that though. Yes, he did. He tricked you, motherfuckers. He had no proof. He got ice him around the world.

Yeah, what he'd do? Send me a gallon of water. Who the fuck are you going to call? We loved it. It was good, man. He was water from the fucking neighborhood like digger put on his face. I'm telling you. Let me tell you what happened.

Are you fucking crazy? Oh, yeah. It was exotic shit, man. If you could see the bottles and stuff. And he had it like in the, you know, he'd get the trays of it and break everybody off a fucking cube. He'd all be sitting there having something,

you know. What he did was he sold you a dream, which was cool that he did that. He was a great guy for doing that. It was brilliant. Yeah. He took your mind away from the fucking hollum day. He bullshit of you.

He said, I got this from Antarctica and there you are. Someday I'll go to Antarctica. That's what happens. It happens. Trust me. You know, listen, when I lived in Jersey, I dreamt to fucking getting out of Jersey. Yeah.

You know, when you hear Bon Jovi, I love Bon Jovi because Bon Jovi is really from New Jersey. Yeah. When he did Slippery Room Wet, the one after that, there's some songs that his lyrics are in that one, never say goodbye, like that slippery when wet song, like we were trying to break loose. Like when I was a kid, that's all I fucking, I always knew there was something out there. Right. Like, I love New Jersey, I love North Pergin, I love my friends, but I got to tell you something, I always knew there was something out there. I wasn't going to stay there. I knew that that was not going to be my calling.

I knew I was not. And I lived eight minutes from New York City. Wow. The place where everybody wants to be. And I loved it. And I loved it. I was telling my way. My most favorite neighbor in the world is the Bronx.

That's, if I could go back into a city that was the way it was in the 80s and the 70s, I love the Bronx in the 70s. It was a murder zone. But the food was out of the fire. The fucking world. Yeah. The people were out of this world. My mother had a dry clean out there to about 1971. And I would spend my weekends up there.

It was fucking great. I got bit by a dog up there. I got chased by gangs. Everything. I love dry clean. I love the smell of that. I love the fucking Bronx. Like,

I love all that type of. Now it's very gentrified and stuff. Oh, yeah. New York's changed, man. Fuck, I go back to New York. I can't believe it. What is it now? The city is all everybody.

It's just rich people. I can't believe. believe it. You can't even get mugged in Alphabet City anymore. There's not even people out at night, like two or three in the morning like they're used to this. Very select. The streets are empty. I remember closing the bar and taking the fucking bridge over. Yeah.

The tunnel over. Just like going, what do you want to do, dog? Whatever. Let's go over, get a brown bag of beer and sit on the fucking corner. That's what we do. Yeah. When you got a job tomorrow? No, do I.

You got 20. I got 20. Let's go to the city. Pick up a 20. four for the toll We've got a six-pack Two six-backs We'll bring up the fucking son

You can't have any fun anymore I remember the first time I went Dude was eating I remember a couple of lesbians brought me back to their apartment You know And I ended up stealing a sex toy out of there Because I got a little bit

Keyed up on some cocaine And got nervous But you could have fun though Did you sniff it and would jerk off Is that what you stole the sex toy Dude Well here's I went over I used to steal chicks pants

Oh bro I would steal something every time On the way home I'd jerk off in the pants And throw them out of the fucking car Like a savage Dude Okay

right, dude. One time, I was with this girl, and I was so drunk, bro, she was driving us, and I had to puke so bad, and I just took my hat off my head, filled it, just vomited right into it, right? Just threw it right out the window, just kept talking.

It was like, nothing had happened, right? Dude, another time. This dude, my buddy, Billy Comforto, rest in peace, bro. He died. He drove into an embankment. But he, he used to do pills and everything, and we were a bus boys together. We're co-bus boys,

even though he was about 35 or 40, you know? He looked like Don Flamenco, you know who that is? From Mike Tyson's Punchout, the little Italian guy, and he's like he looked like that guy, but without the rose, is in about an extra 20 pounds, and he was also homosexual. But he gave me some pills, you know, gave me some somas

one night or something, I think, tried to maybe take advantage of me, I don't remember. That's a good thing about pills is, you know what I'm saying? If you did get molested, you don't really have to remember it. But I remember this girl this hot chick that I knew was at this bar we ended up at, and I was like, I need to ride home. I mean, I sat in my passenger seat. She drove us home while she's driving.

I vomited all over, right? And the only thing I remember is we made plans to go to church the next morning. So in the morning, I come out of my house, have no clue how I got home. I opened a car door, and there's vomit everywhere, except like in the shape of this woman, right, on the front car seat. And I went over to church, and she was there. And she looked at me like I was the devil himself, man. You barked on this poor girl. Yeah, she was a sweet girl, too, man.

And she has children now because I've seen on Instagram, she has some children. You still follow her? Yeah, I still kind of peep at her shit sometime, dude. But I miss old day, man, I miss doing acid. I miss. You miss doing drugs. Do you, does your mind, you know, there was a time where if I didn't have coke, there was no reason to go out. Yeah.

I'm not going to that ball if I'm not snobbed. There was no reason. Like, I equilated, I equibbled, it was the equivalent, like, if I didn't have coke, I couldn't have fun. That was it. Yeah. In the ages of 18 to 20, I didn't have, that was my fun. I didn't want to go to the movies. I don't want to go to a park.

I don't want to see nothing, you know. So once I stopped snowing coke, that whole world disappeared, which I wanted gun anyway. That was the part I didn't like about the drugs. Yeah, it's a dirty world. It's a dirty world after a while. It's a dirty world after a while. Because you're up late with a bunch of creeps. I didn't like that anymore.

Like, at the end, the last five or six years, I snorted by myself. Yeah, that's how I was. If you were a girl and I knew you were going to give it up. Like, there was no, before you went up into my cave, or your cave, I'm letting you know right now. If I give you half this Coke, I'm going to eat your asshole later. Yeah. I would let them know. I don't get, that's the only way.

And if they would start irritate me, then I'd fucking get pissed. Yeah. They wouldn't be worth a blow job because they would drive me fucking crazy all fucking night. I'd rather hang out by myself because people drove me crazy. Yeah, maybe that's how I think I got, man. That's my fear. I was very antisocial. Yeah, I got anti-social.

I was social for what was necessary. Yes. But when it came to that shit, and it's still like that at time. Like, I'm still, I still have. Right, because you have that thing in you. That was never going to change. That was never going to change. The Coke was just a side effect of, you know, a progression of that.

feeling or whatever that was, you know, because cocaine allows you to be by yourself. You're like, oh, it gives your brain a quick reason. Oh, I've got to go do this by myself. Anyway, that's what it did for me anyway. That's what it did for me too. Like, now I have fun. Like, you know, it took me two or three years after the Coke to even have, like, when I first got into comedy, I wasn't, it was a new thing for me.

Like, I fell in love. Wow. It was my wife. Like, that was it. And the road, that road life, you just meet girls. Oh, road is fun, man. And they know what time it is. Yeah.

They take you back. There's a piece of ass, and I'm leaving in the morning. Oh, yeah. And communication is zero. There ain't nobody's nobody. You know what I'm saying? I ain't going to tell nobody. You ain't going to tell nobody.

We're going to do a couple dirty things. And I'll leave town. Yeah. And we'll never see each other again. Look at some fat ankles hanging out of bed sheet. I didn't want anybody at that time. Right. I love comedy so much.

I didn't want anybody. I was having a great time sleeping in that car. I was having a great time some nights sleeping in a motel six and some night sleeping out of fucking Hilton. You didn't know until you got there. You know, this week, Lee stayed at the condo in Denver. That's his introduction.

Fucking luxury, bro. Oh, I know. Fucking Lee taking it easy, dude. Wait until he goes to the condo in Albuquerque. Yeah. And they got sperm on the sheets. Wait to get out there. And, you know, and like I said,

you know, I got Lee for you to make that level in your life jump, there's got to be a little suffering. You've got to do a little something somewhere along the line. You're going to have to get, yeah, you can have to suffer somewhere. That's what takes you to the next level. You being at home comfortable thinking that your world is never going to break apart. You never know what it is to fall in love with something and that nothing means nothing.

You got to get attacked somewhere. You have no idea what it's like to fall in love with comedy where nothing means nothing. Your mother, your father. Nothing, bro. Your car is your best friend. Can't even see. And your notebook next to you. Yeah.

You don't give a fuck. Your computer. Your clothes are hanging in the bed. back your trunk's got a spare tire a flat a blanket a fucking knapsack you got a stove back there you got a P.O. box And you got a page you don't even call people

no more. Everything's done on the computer. Do you know what that life is and to have zero money in the bank and just depend on your comedy? No. It's a fucking adventure and that's what life is Lee. Yeah. You got to get out there bro. It's not. Oh it sounds like a blast

It sounds like, other than being like completely broke. Like, honestly, that's a scary part about, about this. It's not, I know like it. It, it lets you know, because for years, I thought you weren't anything until you have money. Yeah. I really believed that. I was really under the impression of society. It forces you to believe that you're nobody if you don't have all those things.

And guess what? When I fell in love with County, I didn't want to. those things no more. I didn't need them. It was the weirdest fucking thing. You got a new currency now. For 28 fucking years, all I wanted was to sell drugs and be a kingpin and be that guy

that would go to a bar by Don Perignon and by the age of 31, when I got divorced, I didn't want, I didn't even want to make a salary. Yeah. I wanted to live off the fat of the land. I wanted to pay for my sins. Yeah. And that was it. Like, it was great.

having credit cards. I went from having every credit card to having none. Yeah. Everything was done by cash, you know, you know, that Gilbert Oskinell has a good joke about, you know, he does an imitation of that dude. You're a Mexican if you cash your checks that, you know, you're a Mexican if you cash your checks at the liquor store. Yeah. That was me. I cash my checks on Whitley in Hollywood from $15 ones to $60 ones. And then, they were all special you know what I'm saying yeah oh yeah you're running that yeah moment to moment and that's what happens to people they don't know that side of the coin so when they come here and there's a little disappointment I'm gonna become a director or a producer yeah well you know what

I'm gonna shoot commercials go fuck go shoot yourself that's what I say you never understood you never forced yourself yeah into that next level of your life you never been it's not gonna force yourself into that. You have to force yourself. I accepted it. I was like, you know what? I don't give a fuck. Yeah, I worry now that I, sometimes I feel like one of my biggest fears is getting too comfortable.

Sometimes one of my biggest fear is getting is getting comfortable. No, you never get comfortable. Like, that's what else this whole life taught me. That it's seven days away. I don't know, I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about watching TV.

I don't know about you're doing. I don't know what you talking about. Right. This was the life that I chose. Yeah. And people still get mad at me. I don't know what you're talking about. Right. This is it. Yeah. This is it. You know, people still, 27 years later do not comprehend that I really don't give a fuck.

Yeah. That now I give a fuck a little bit more because of my family. Because you got that family. I'm not missing nothing. Yeah. You know, it took my brother 10 years to realize I was never going to visit him in Comic Con. in San Diego. He held on every year. He came out of here. Come on down. They're going to love you. You got a boot. He didn't believe me. Wow. He's to, no, he don't come no more.

It took him 10 years. He thought, and I, when I tell you, I'm not going to, I don't have, listen, I don't have four hours to drive to San Diego. I can have an audition tomorrow, and I'm wasting my time dressed up with a bunch of people looking like superheroes. Yeah. I'm here for business. I didn't come out here to fucking go to the beach or the roller skate. And those are the people that fail. And then they bitching. you. They get mad at you because there was too much of a good time. There's no good time. There's no good time. Yeah, it's a lot of work, man. It took me 10 years.

It took me too. I was 31 to realize there's no good time. Whatever 1995 was, I was, yeah, 32. Wow. There was no, there's no more good time. Studio 54 closed. Yeah. That was it. Where's Tony Bennett, cock sucker?

Yeah, I think about that sometimes. Yeah, I think about that sometimes, man. And then people complain when their life doesn't work out, but they didn't sacrifice. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks. You think that ice was fake, man? The fuck yeah. Don't worry about him, man. He just ruined his childhood, I think.

No, he took you away for the day like a drug. He made you think you were in Morocco. Yeah. And you had fucking water from Michigan. that Flint water on ice I don't know man we had some shit from Lake Powell one time

that was fucking as you used to do with me Pretty hearty Who'll leave you to learn That misery Love's company That good acid LSD

No I miss it and I don't miss it And I don't miss it I miss it and I don't miss it. I do not ever want to be in that world again, man, ever. Do you feel like you made the, but you probably have a feeling you feel like you made the most out of that time? You got the most out of that time.

It was, it started when I was 16 and ended when I was 40, fucking four years old. Yeah. That was. And I had ups and downs. I went to prison and it was all that drug. Now I see when people have problems, it takes me just a little while and I'll figure out why they have problems. Yeah. It's a drug.

It's a drug. Yeah. And you did the right thing. When you look at all the famous comics and look at the ones that fucked around with drugs, didn't end good for nobody. Yeah. Prior, the Kettisons, you know, the Mitch Headberg's, doesn't end good. Mitch Headberg was on another level, man. dog i saw that motherfucker on another level really dog i was here when they showed dog i was here when they

closed the improv on a monday and tuesday yeah to showcase mitch headberg monday was for fucking writers and producers and tuesday was for showrunners wow like that's the strength of mitch headberg but they don't even do like that shit anymore like when mitch headberg died i was furious that day i still remember like cursing him to somebody like that dumb mother the fucker. Wow. And like a year later, I had to call that person and go, you know, I was just angry because people die to get to that level.

Yeah. You know, I love Mitch. I didn't talk to Mitch probably the last couple years of his life. I didn't really see him. I didn't see him. He was living on the road in the fucking trailer with the girl. Yeah. God bless his soul.

Yeah, when you get bent up, you're not spending time with your friends. You're not spending time with your loved ones. No. You know what I'm saying? Whenever you're really getting fucked up, like him, I'm sure. You're not hanging out with your buddy. or your sister, you know what I'm saying? You're hanging out with other people that are partying.

You know, it's funny, there was a time where I thought maybe someday, you know, with the grace of God, I could get Eddie Murphy time, and I'd be doing Coke and have, like, an entourage. That's not what I ever wanted. Yeah. It's never, I don't like entourages or, you know, the whole fuck. You know what I'm saying? I just didn't. I've always been an only fucking, I love it.

Yeah. I love doing what I do. I enjoy it. I'm really happy that I got to find, like, how happy are you that you got to find what you're going to do the rest of your life? We're all very uncertain. Yeah.

I knew when I thought about getting a job in New York, like a friend of mine said to me, listen, I could still get you like a runner job. We'll have to cover up the felony and everything and I thought about it for a while. I'm like, I want to do that. Yeah. I thought I wanted to do it.

I really thought it was adventurous. But once I heard the comedy lifestyle, I read the books and I did the just not knowing just that gift and not knowing just knowing I'm going to pick up 50 bucks today. Right. I'm not to cover my hotel but guess what?

Today I'm doing what I love doing. What the fuck? What the fuck? You're going to get a job that you hate and then meet a girl you're going to marry you, you're both going to get fucking fat and then you're going to start owing money and now your job

owns you. You got to work six days a week to make that fucking none and then guess what happens? One day you just die from the fucking stress. You know, one day you just die from the fucking stress. We were talking about studios before. I'm an econ major.

I always look at numbers. Yeah. You know, and that's why I said to you, me and him had a thousand arguments about things and different situations. We went to see an office one time on Van Nuys. The guy wanted $1,600. That means the first

that you make on this podcast Yeah Yeah You know what I'm saying Like just to have luxurious offices I'm not one of those guys I drive a fucking Subaru Right

So that I was looking at They had the new cars that were coming out 200,000 for a car 100,000 for an escalane Really? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah that's crazy There's a lot more to life

Than fucking paying that shit To impress your fucking friends And the people around you Yeah we had a Ford Fest Yeah, that's it. It doesn't matter what the fuck you drive. I sat that night on my birthday before the comedy store. I went to Dan Tanners, and I sat out there and watched the people who were driving and what they were pulling up with.

And I pulled up with a white fucking Subaru with my wife. And people are looking at me. You know what, man, that makes me happy. I don't live for nobody. I don't need to drive a BMW. It's such a great thing that I let go. That's what comedy did for me. it made me thwart that thinking that money made you.

Money doesn't make you at all. Money don't do shit for you. Yeah. Money don't do shit for you at the end of the fucking day. When you realize that money don't do shit for you, your life changes completely. Your mood and your day is created by you. I love that.

I love that. It's the fucking truth. I felt good without money and I felt good with money. I felt good in both avenues. Because sometimes without money, and without money, I'm telling you, I'm in a hotel condo. I'm in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The condo smells like foot and ass. I just had a Chinese lunch, two joints, and the waitresses get me a half gram of Coke tonight,

and I'm still going to have $10 left over for tomorrow to get a sandwich at fucking subway. Yeah. I'd sit there and watch TV all day and write fucking stupid jokes. But at least it was not doing something I didn't want to fucking do. Right. I remember towards the end when I had a fucking subway. sold cars. The last year I sold cars, I got fired

from every job. I just... What kind of cars were all selling? It didn't matter. Yeah. Jeep Eagle, Subaru, used car lot. I got fired from every job. You know why? Because I was just there for the paycheck. Yeah.

I would go in there, use their long distance to call comedy clubs. Yeah. And then I wouldn't even sell cars. I talked to people, and I took the $250 salary a week. And they do that for 90 days until they I was very happy with the 250. It helped out my cause.

My cause was comedy. Keep it cruising. Yeah, I was just looking for a job. That's why you get yourself those no responsible telemarketing jobs. Yeah, the Tony Little Gazelle Freestyle. You get paid $18 an hour, anywhere from 12 to 18 an hour, dog.

You can make anywhere from 12 to 18 an hour. Miss Voodoo's magic shirt. It's up to you to fucking sell people on the phone. That whole thing, selling cigarettes. When I moved that last, I saw cigars in the fucking phone, man. To businesses. Remember you guys are both young.

20 years ago, the cigar business got hot in this country because Demi Moore took a cigar and smoked it on Vanley magazine or some fucking magazine cover. So you would go to bars and women would be smoking cigars. That's hilarious. It was terrible

in Hollywood. Women smoking cigars. I'd love to see some big tits with a fucking cigar ash on them, bro. Oh, they all had them. All of them. All of them were smoking cigar. So the hot thing was when you went to a bodega in like Harlem, you could buy a cigar. They would have a humidor, like a fake humidor. So I would sell you the whole package for $300 on the phone.

And my commission was like one in a quarter. I could negotiate it. I can do it for $275 if I wanted to still make a yardstick. I would sell three of those a fucking day and go home. And you're not knowing. That's the side of comedy that you have to understand is not knowing. sometimes. Yeah, I guess there were times like that for sure, you know, where it's like

I guess there were times where I felt like fuck is this the thing for me and those are the moments I think when this continues to choose you, you know? Yeah, but the first seven years of this shit it's like anything else. You're doubting yourself the whole time. Yes. It's that little sign

you get for trying. You get a little sign for trying. Every 90 days you get a little like a reward for sticking with it. Yeah. And next thing you know you've been doing it for three years. And next thing you know you've been doing it for four years. Next thing you know you're doing it for seven years. Now guess what? Now you're at a crossroads in your life.

And this is what anything you're doing at seven years. Yeah. Either you're going to continue to do it, you're going to dive into it. And at the seven year mark, you're pretty much co-headlining or featuring. Yeah. You know, and now you have to make a move for it. Yeah, that's the crazy part. That's the craziest part, leaving Boston, leaving Chicago, leaving Indiana,

leaving those other cities to go to New York to showcase cities and doing, you know. Do you watch crashing? This week was an interesting show. Like, I watched crashing. I watch every episode. And I can't tell you that I don't like every episode. Like, not every episode is my favorite. But this season, it's really picked up.

Last week it was about Ardy, about him confronting Arty, about his drug problem and trying to help Ardy out. And this week, it was about when the comic dates a girl. But it was very interesting. That's how you know it was written by a comic. A comic dates another female comic. They start dating. They start fucking.

You both go to the same open mics. You write together. It's like a faggy fucking dumb shit. That's stupid. Don't date a female fucking comic. You want to fuck them in the ass, fuck them in the ass and move on. But do not date a comic.

Because at one point, somebody gets successful. And that's where the tension starts. So they both go to NACA. There's a very good episode. And this is something that if you're a young comic, listen to this. This is a very good episode, and you're going to know exactly what I'm talking about.

So they get the NACA. For those who don't know what NACA is, it's a convention that you go in. There's a bunch of colleges there. It's the worst, bro. And you get on stage, and a bunch of colleges bid for you. I bombed at that. And sometimes you bomb because you were yourself. Yes.

So what happened is they get the NACA, him and her go downstairs, and they get an orientation. By the way, you can't talk about rape. this that their hair loss anything diabetes so she went up the first night and did her fucking act and she said that she went to college and got roofied and raped and they call it roofie like it's how can you give something that cute

a fucking something that bad a cute name like roofie she sold you know what I'm saying like she did her act right and then they show her standing out there by herself nobody's talking to her and then Maria Villasignor from San Antonio was there and she went up there and did

impersonations and she was getting people and she was giving away buttons. So, what's his name? Pete Holmes. Pete Holmes was sitting there. He's watching all this and he goes, wait a second. So he ran across the street through a gas station to look for something to give away

after the show so people would stop by him. And it said, the shirt said, gas it up. So he went back and signed. He bought a bunch of shirts for $2 or people. and he signed them and he wrote a joke about the shirt.

So he went out there, he watched what was working and he did it. He didn't do his act. You know what I'm saying? Like he watched what was working. Hi guys, college kids, you know. Remember guys?

Duck tape and the kids are laughing and he was doing material that college kids laugh at. And then afterwards he wrote a joke about him. He ended with Arnold Schwarzenegger. He ended with an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. Yes, he got to sit up.

And afterward, he got like six, eight colleges. People loved him. He did great. And in the room, she confront him. And she goes, I'm dating a guy that took a dump on fucking states tonight. And what it means is that you, a lot of comics come here. Bro, I know 20 comics I saw on the road that I'm like, these motherfuckers are going to be stars.

But they moved that way. and they take advice from their agents. Yeah. And they start writing material to sell a TV show instead of writing material that comes from their heart, what they really, really say. Because what comedy is is your world colliding with another world and how you live in it.

That's it. How you see. That's what comedy is. How I collide with the world. You know what I'm saying? There's a stop sign. You can stop or you can fucking go through it. You know what I'm saying?

Like to be a comic, you need that. little genocet coir of rebel in you there's got to be a little you got to touch there's got to be a little original rebellion in you little wigger it was a free wigger it was a great episode because she told him you played for that you didn't do your act and what did he say that he's broke and this is a career move and blah which a lot of people that have done colleges and they do great College is paid great and it's a great living. But like I said, you have to really change your act. It's like being an act on a ship.

I have nothing against it. It's a fucking living. Yeah. You hear that, Siren? I don't hear nothing. The ship I could do, but I couldn't. I remember going to NACA in Nashville and I ate it, bro. But I did my-one college?

I did my shit. I booked a couple of them. Did you like doing them? No, I didn't like it. Let me give some shout-outs real quick. My man D from Colorado who showed up at 22 pounds. I'm sorry I didn't get to see you Johnny McLean roster Jeff

you bad motherfucker Brian Allen Christopher Barryman Jimbo Slice Benzo Omar Rodriguez and my man Jack Shipway

And I really want to give a shout out to them For fucking coming out and supporting That meant the world to me guys They were great shows Lee went up on Saturday night How'd you feel Lee? Oh my God it was amazing That's awesome.

It was just crazy being on that, because I've heard about that stage for years. And then I know Rogan filmed a special there. And it was just, it was crazy. It was an amazing experience. That's awesome. And then it was just, because I know I'm very lucky with the audiences and going up in front of. Like, the reaction I'm getting isn't for what I'm saying necessarily. Yeah, they're excited to see you, though.

But you've earned that, you know? They're excited to see you. Yeah, you got me in that club, man, the one out there. Thank you. and nice ladies. Yeah, they're cool. It's a great club. Yeah.

It's been there for fucking since I started, and it was there 10 years before I started. Wow. And she does a great job with the club. If you look at the lineup when you're there, it's a great variety. Do you notice something differently this weekend? Well, I noticed, like, the opener and the host change, which is weird. I've never seen that before. What else did you notice about the feature in the host?

They were all very good. And? Diverse. They were from the area. And? They were younger. They were cleaned. Really?

She knows how to look at all. See, people think that I want a guy in front of me cursing. Right. She knows that already. She understands that. Wendy is a fucking genius where other people, that's why you have to bring a feature or something. You know, there's just a bunch of clubs that you, they pay you up with their favorites. Yeah.

Because they're dirty. and now the people hear three comics saying fuck. Yeah, it's a rap. Wendy's a genius. Do you understand? That's why I don't want to do dirty shows. Right. Because I'm the headline after 10 comics going up there and being dirty.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a worst man. That's it. Yeah, that's it. So she's brilliant. You didn't catch that. No, I didn't see them. They didn't say fuck.

Oh. That's why the audiences were so good, because she's brilliant. She knows how to book a fucking room. You don't burn them out before. And she puts heat in front of you. Yeah. Like that's one of the scariest rooms in the country because those guys got headliners that are in town that week. Wow.

Like a lot of times, you know, I was opening up down there. Like when I first started going down there, you went down there on a Thursday. Ooh, you had to follow. You had to follow Todd Jordan, Rick Cairns, Lori Callahan. They were all headliners. They were all headliders, huh? Yeah, hitters. And you're going down there as the headlining going, dog, I'm working double quick.

Yeah. I hated that, man. That was a, but that put you on the spot. I mean, I had weekends. I had a weekend in Missouri one time where it was like, fuck, this feature is better than me. And I got to step my game up. You know, he got busted for murder actually a few years ago, though. Did he really?

He really did. Yeah. What's going on with you special, because? What are you hearing? What are you doing? Trying to get Netflix supposed to come out and see me in a couple of weeks. So we're trying to find a date right now to do that. And if they, you know, if they.

If they're interested, then I'll go from there. And if not, then maybe I'll make one myself, you know, or do something. You know, where I'm owning my own shit. So, you know, I'm excited about that. But, you know, I'm hopeful. Right now I'm just trying to be hopeful and wake up each day. You work hard. Try to be hopeful.

Yeah. Funny. You're a sweet guy. Thanks, ma'am. You forced yourself to the next level by getting clean. It wasn't like you fell off the stage. Right. It was something you recognized that needed to be done.

You know, when I used to get out. eye dog I would go pee and I wouldn't look in the mirror. Yeah. Like the last 10 years. Oh wow. I would not look at myself in the mirror because I was so ashamed of what I was doing. Damn, that's crazy. I can totally sense.

Yeah, I would not make eye contact with the fucking mirror. Gang. So, you know, I recently had a guest on here. And I was under the impression that he was sober. And at one point he went into the bathroom, into the blast. And I was really disappointed. Because I know as a comic you can get so far with drugs. Yeah.

But to take it to that level where you want to, it's better to be conscious of your surroundings and know what's going on. You want to smoke a joint? You want to drink on Hyniquet? Yeah. That's great. But you're watching. You're watching your audiences.

You're watching the people that are coming to the shows. You're watching a thousand things. Yeah. You don't really have time to get fucked up. When you want to take it to that. And this could be in any occupation. Yeah, it's going to work for a while. It always does.

Yeah. It always starts off great. It always starts off grade. Yeah. I'm grateful for Lee. I'm grateful for my wife. I'm grateful for my baby. Yeah.

I'm grateful for this fucking podcast. I'm grateful for the people that come to the shows. Amen. But I got to tell you something. I'm grateful for not doing that shit no more at all. I'm really grateful. And I'm a loser. I did it until I was 44.

At least you stopped with 30. too. I was still, I could not imagine the day I would be clean. And then I saw the Ray Charles thing, the movie Ray, and I was like, that motherfucker didn't have to him to it.

I can't do Coke to him 61. Yeah. Oh, that's scary. I can't do Coke till I'm 61. Where am I going to go? What are you going to do? So,

my biggest fear is, yeah, some chick with a nice, nice butthole and an eight ball shows up, and that's what fucking spend you out. No, no. That's my biggest fear. No,

You're going to look at it and see it for what it is. It's a different playing field now. And you see it for what it is. You know what, man? There's nothing in the fucking world I want to do and get an eight ball and stick it in Kate's asshole and suck it out of there with a fucking stroke. Oh, yeah.

Kate is as beautiful as they come and sexy as they come. I know she's all in. Oh, I'll suck my own dick if she'll watch. What would I gain by it? I'd lose a friend. Yeah. She's an ally. What would I gain by it?

You know what I'm saying? If I'm going to snort coke with everybody, Kate would probably push me over the top If she let me snort a line off her asshole I would be all in. But at this point in the game, I can't go back. I made a promise. I made a man promise. I didn't make a promise to a woman.

I didn't make a promise to my father. I didn't make a promise to anybody. I made a promise to the universe, and it paid me back. Yeah. It paid me back. Because I stepped on my promise. Nobody had to watch me. I didn't have to go to no meetings. I didn't have to do anything.

I made a promise to myself as a man that this is what we're doing from now one. No exceptions. I don't give a fuck whatever. happens who where when and that makes your life a lot easier listen that was my world with snorting coke and eating pussy and getting

dirty and coming on your face and your tits you sucking my balls and me putting it in your ass and then putting it in your mouth that was my world that that I'm gonna do you know I don't have time to date I was not the dating type that was going to take you out for four dates and then

no yeah everybody I met was on a fucking whim let's do this shit, let's do blow and let's get fucking evil. Let's forget what happens. Stealing each other's shit, dude. One night I remember being with this girl and this dude, we're all in the same room

and we all stole each other's fucking shit. And so we're all sitting there with each other's like money, pocketbook, purse, dude took a purse. I took dude's wallet. She took my wallet, right? And all of us are fucking looking for our shit and also trying not to let the other person

know that we stole their shit. And finally it just became, like, fuck. Did you fuck anybody? Huh? I didn't fuck anybody, dude. So how do you steal your shit? We just, eventually she said, look, I'm fucked up and I took this. She got so high. And then dudes, like, and I took this.

And then I had the fucking last piece, his wallet. And I said it out there. And I was like, man, we all stole each other's shit. From this icy mic, who do you know? What are these people that you hang out with and shit stealing your wallet when you get in Ireland? That's fucking. Dude, I said, bro. I'll tell you, one more thing I'll tell you about I see Mike.

This dude. So when acid came through our town, we got a lot of bad acid. You know, I think we would get people would sell, because sometimes acid comes through, you don't know what it is, you don't know who made it. It's six, it's six bucks. It was six bucks for a hit. You know, you're going to be out of, you know, you're going to be out of it for, you know, four, eight hours. So this guy, Mike got bad on some acid, him and his buddy. And then one time he, his family ended up getting into, like, livestock, you know, dealing big animals, nothing small.

horses, hafers, stuff like that. And he had, uh, he gave a bunch of like kind of no-dose or something to some of these animals because they would get them to shit more. And so there was one time where he had like three animals all shitting at the same time, right? Yeah. Big animal. Why did he want them to shit? It was like a, not a show, but it was like a, um, not a performance, but you know what I'm saying? Like, let's watch them shit, do you know?

Sure. and I went over there one time, dude, and everybody was eating acid and we probably watched we watched these cows shit for maybe 15 minutes straight.

Like nothing you've ever seen, man. I don't think I want to see that, to be honest. Yeah, you say that. What did the poop look like coming out when you're on acid? It looked like poop, man. But it was just almost seemed magical

that you get all three I'm going to do it at once. You know, and that's the kind of shit that took me to another level, man. Dude, we had this other girl one time. Charlotte, bigger girl, biggest girl we knew. So, biggest girl we'd ever met.

And she ate some ass at one time and got locked in this room and people kept kind of dripping kind of warm water on her all night, bro. Fucked up. You know, and those are the things I miss. Cooked a pizza in a dryer once. What else do? You're throwing rocks at fucking

invisible animals and shit in the woods. Just, you know, fun, man. Joy. You're a crazy friend. You're a crazy dude, my friend. Looking for joy, man. But that's why. That's why you're crazy as a comic, and that's what makes you a good comic. That's what makes you a good comic, guys.

I miss it. Don't, you're not missing anything. Yeah, that's the thing I'm probably not missing anything. I've thought about it nights and times, and I said to myself, well, why, you know, why couldn't I have control, like, regular people, and just do one line? Yeah. You know what, man, nobody does one line and goes out.

You know, it always ends bad. always going to end back, you know? Yeah. I want to take a Viculum one night, or then, you know, you want to take a Xanax and edible, I ain't mad at you. You know, that's probably going to tan that. It's going to decrease that anxiety. The edible

gives you. Yeah. But, you know, do I really need an oxicon in my fucking life? Do I need that shit at this point, my own? Those things don't even do nothing to me sometimes. Sometimes I eat the Vicon and I get high. Sometimes I eat one that don't do dick. It's, you know,

I'm pretty fucking safe with the ref. I don't miss Nick. Yeah. I miss, I don't have no regrets, though. I'll tell you that much. At this point, no. I had a good time, man. Fuck it.

It happened. There's nothing I can do to take it back. Whether it's time, whether it was anything bad I did, or anything good I did, there's nothing I could do to take it back. That's it. You make peace with yourself at some point,

and you accept what the fuck you're going to be. and that was it. Like I said, I'm very fortunate to even be in this fucking office sitting next to you and Lee. I know that. I never even

considered Los Angeles when I started doing comedy. Wow. It wasn't even on my map. New York only. No, no, no. I didn't even do comedy in New York. I did comedy in New York

for nine months as an open mic, and I knew it wasn't for me. That was a torture chamber. That was a torture chamber. Colorado, people just called you and put you on stage.

Yeah. You don't have to show up with 10 people and sell tickets outside. No, no, no, no, no. That's animal. That's a different type of fucking world. Yeah.

I developed in a smaller market. Everybody knew each other. People just called you and put you on stage. You know, you could just call people. You don't have to show up with 20 people. Maybe the guy would say you pass out 50 flyers for me in a parking lot. That was what you had to do, you know, and the guy would give you 25 bucks. That's fair.

Yeah, you know. Yeah, when I came out here, they made us like you had to get, Yeah, I went to, did a couple of bringer shows. And one time I had to pay to go on. Yeah, one time I had to pay to go on, you know. But I knew that, I don't know, I did know that, I don't know, I knew that I had a, I came from a place where I had something to say that other people didn't have to say. Like, that's the thing that gets me the most of my comedy. I look around and I'm like, half these motherfuckers don't even have a story.

Like, they just, they don't have any. They don't, they're just, they're writers. You know? Half these guys are writers. You know, and I like to watch somebody a show. You know, I like to watch somebody perform. You know, I like when I see something and I'm like, oh, that person has been through something that I want to know about. Because that's what makes me jealous.

Like, I want to be a little bit jealous when I'm watching somebody, you know, of their life, even if the life was good or bad. You know, sometimes when I see somebody even in a, in a struggle, you know, struggle. You know, I'm like, fuck, I'm jealous. I get jealous. Because, like, I want to be, whatever that is, that struggle, whatever is, if it looks so severe, I want that. You know, I think that's something, like, I remember the first time I met a friend when I was in first, second grade. And I really remember this. This kid had a stutter. This boy, Douglas, you know, Douglas Huvall. He had a stutter. He stuttered. And I remember when I met him, I was like, fuck, man. So jealous. I wish I could stutter. Yeah. He's different, man. Look at this guy has, man. Everybody I'd ever met up in that point in my life sounded the same. And then Douglas had a stutter and I wanted to be him. So I would impersonate him. And then the teacher said, well, you, she put me in trouble, you know.

So you're making fun of him. And I said, I'm not made, and I try to explain my case, but they wouldn't even fantasize it, you know? Like, what do you mean you're not making fun of him? I'm like, I'm not making fun of him. I want, I want that. How do I get what he has? You know? I don't know, I guess something.

If somebody has something different than me, that I want to be able to experience it. Did you want to be different if it's real? Did you always want to be different? I mean, I think I hated just being myself most of the time. I just hated being, you know, I just felt ashamed. I just felt ashamed a lot. I felt a shame that I felt uncared for.

And it just made me angry, you know. But I didn't know those are the things that I was going on. I just, that's all I knew. You know, I just knew that I was uncomfortable. I always felt, to tell this day, I'm very, insecure about a lot of things, you know, but you push ahead, you know, and I think it helps with the comedy at times, being so insecure. It really does that that rage gets released. Yeah.

It's an interesting life when you commits to something and you, you know, comedy is not about being in a comfortable situation. I never, ever, ever wanted to be a cookie-cutter person. always knew that. I didn't want to do what other people were doing. Yeah, I didn't want that. I always felt like life was playing a trick on me for years. Like when I first started doing Coke, I didn't get high for the first year. It wasn't until I started drinking with it, but I started getting high. So for a year, wait a second, Saturday Live to me sucked. Like all these people come up to me, oh my God, we go home on Saturday Night. We want to sign that in life. And I would go home. And I'd, no, I would go to a baby, like a girl would babysit in my neighborhood.

Oh, yeah. And everybody would go over there at 11.30. And they would all be giggling like little fucking idiots. And I'd be sitting there going, I don't get this. But are they playing a trick on me? Like, is this, I'm supposed to laugh at this? Like, I'm supposed to like this fucking music because these 20 people in the room, like, it was terrible. Like, I kept seeing that over and over again when I was young.

And I'm like, I'm never going to fucking do that when I got older. If I don't like something, I'm going to fucking say it. If I don't like something, I'm going to fucking say it. I would see 20 people in the room, and I thought they'd be putting me on. Like, I'd go to a concert, and I knew the concert sucked. The guy was off that night. But there'd be 20 people that would say, oh, my God, it was tremendous. I did not want to be one of those people at all, at all.

Like, it bothered me. And when I see them today, it's the weirdest thing. When I see those people, I know they don't like me. So for three or four minutes, I feel really insecure about myself. But then I realized I wouldn't want to hang out with them either. Right. I wouldn't want to be in a room with them either. Like at a dinner party where they, let's take a minute and eat.

Say what we're thankful for and some asshole gets up. I'm thankful to be here with all you guys. I'm when everybody says, oh, that's so sweet. That's never been me. Yeah. I don't want to do that shit. Just talk to me from the fucking heart. I don't talk to me at all.

Yeah. Say what's up. I was telling Lee for years. I go, why be like everybody else? You know, it's like, this is a hot restaurant. It's a hot breakfast spot. It's eggs. Yeah.

It's eggs and bacon. It's eggs and bacon. And you want to go stand out of line because your friends say it's, you know, it's like today when I drove past, eat at 9 the morning. I see 15 people standing on line outside. That's crazy. And I feel horrible. Ugh.

I feel like you don't have a fucking life. You're waiting for fucking eggs and bacon. The breakfast is that much better That's what you're telling me That you will stand on a fucking line Nothing perturves me more than that Yeah We live in a generation that they want

They can't wait to stand online Oh my goodness I stood online for six hours Really? I think you're a fucking idiot Yeah I never wanted that I think you just wasted six hours

Of your fucking life I go to a fucking restaurant They tell me 15 minutes I tell them to go fuck themselves I'm out of there Yeah I'm out of there. I'm not waiting.

Not a fucking minute. Especially for eggs and baking with potatoes and toast. Yeah, that's basic eats. You know, yeah. Somebody calls it's a great break with one. They give you something. Listen, leave me the funk alone. I got the spot.

I got the spot. I walked in there. I order my food's ready in seven fucking minutes. That's what I want. I don't want to wait. I don't want to see nobody. It's like the griddle in Hollywood. Yeah, fuck that.

And they got like a gay hitman out front. Yeah. And if you're not, yeah. Leave me to fuck alone. And he's spray painting his hair on his head and shit. I won't go to no whole diner, but I'll go to that fucking Marie E.T. any day. I like you buying.

Oh, I was there today where I came here. Marie tea? Yeah, you should have called me. I would have gone over and Matt. Oh, that's funny. Bro, they got the best breakfast in town. Let's see your girlfriend there. Yeah, they just had smoothies over there today.

Yeah. And I got there late. They got smoothies. They got green tea. They got a breakfast. The fucking bacon and the potatoes there will rock your fucking world for breakfast. We'll rock your fucking world. You'll go to A.

meetings on more park and then we stop over there after. More Park, that's the no, what's the one on Monday night? Or Clifton? What's the one that's just a couple blocks away? What's the cross street at that place? Moorp's pretty closer. Riverside and Moore Park. Yeah, it's just, that's on Moore Park. Now, I did

a movie years ago called I don't even know about a true story about an AA meeting that got robbed in the valley. No. Two guys robbed the bank and then went into an AA meeting and took everybody hostage until the cops came. Fuck, that's awesome. 24 hours. You're in the state. The one right here, the popular one.

The most popular meeting in the valleys Monday night. That's where all the... Oh, I haven't met in that one. Real people go. Supposed, there's a small place in Studio City. That's probably what it is, then. That's probably what it is. It's a small little place in Studio City.

I haven't been to an AA meeting on a long time. I like them. I just like listening to the stories, man, because it's real. When you hear somebody's story in there and they're up there? It depends. Some AA meetings... If you go to AA in Hollywood, it's a fucking nightmare.

Yeah, and if guys have been in it for 20 years, sometimes it's not... Well, they have the tattoos of AA. and the diamond and they're hugging each other that's not for me. Leave me the fuck alone. I went to a meeting in Boulder, when I was in the halfway house,

I had to go to a meeting. And I remember one day this fat fucking girl when fucking cross-eye got up. And she's like, my name is Marion, and I'm an addict. And I just want to say that last week I was here,

and one of the men hugged me in a different way, and I just looked and I go, bullshit. Nobody wants to hug you or grab your ass, knock it all. You know, people just go there Some of those meetings, like, really help, but there's people who go there for the wrong reasons. Yeah. You know, like, I went to...

Oh, there's some networking. Yeah. There's people who go to AA, especially here in L.A. Yeah. They go to A.A. for all the wrong reasons. And there's something, like, if you go to L.A., like, if you go to L.A., like, if you go to an AA meeting, let's say, in Hoboken. Yeah.

And you go to an A.A. meeting in Newark, big fucking difference. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. The quality of people you're going to see. Like, when I first got clean in 85. My teacher, Mr. T, took me to an AA meeting. Oh my God, I had never seen that like that before in my life. Fucking the worst coffee in the world.

Worst coffee. You walked out of there and your clothes, you took them off. In the morning, you could smell your clothes from the cigarettes. You have no idea what that's like Lysai at. Popping you got up in the morning. Putting your feet on the floor and your clothes are on the floor. and you could smell the cigarette smoke from your fucking clothes

from those AA meetings. You could smell people's poor choices, man. Dude, there's one place that makes me feel sometimes like it reminds me of the neighborhood and the environment that I grew up in sometimes being in those rooms.

And that's all that fucking matters. Some of it's a business, right? Like that place over by that barbecue. Some of these have way houses are businesses now. So yeah, you're right. That's great. Like there's an AA business.

It's in a strip mall. Yeah, yeah. You go to have meetings all day and they work off donations. but it's a business. It's a good program. It's a good program. And they have a treasurer.

It's hard to steal, you know, because you're around a bunch of thieves. You can't rob for an AA meeting. It's a bunch of fuckers. Yeah, you would hate it, man. Bro, the motherfucker's been stealing for years. They see you coming a mile away. The treasury, that dude, you know,

that's why they're in AA, you know. They've been stealing for 20 years. Let these people know where you're going to be the next couple weeks. Yeah, I will be in, I'm in Tacoma coming up. March 15th and 16th, I'm in Tacoma at the Tacoma Comedy Club. And then March 17th, I'm in Spokane at the Spokane Comedy Club. And then April 6th and 7th, I'm in Tampa at the attic at Rock Brothers Brewing.

And you can get those tickets at Theovon.com slash tour, T-O-U-R. You're doing your thing, Theo, man. I'm proud of you. Man, I appreciate it, man. I always hear good things. and that's all that matters that's you're on the path I mean I've seen it a thousand times they're just going to make you work a little

harder yeah that's it because you're you yeah they just want to make you work a little harder because you're you just to test you just to see if you go back and do a pill or go back and do a line and go back and have a drink and as long as you stay away from that you always beat them you always got the ace in your pocket

yeah that's what they want you to do they want to frustrate you for you to go get a drink yeah Don't get frustrated and just know that you get on stage every day. That's all you need to know. As long as you're covered, everything works out. You know what I'm saying? Like that's a, as long as you're covered, everything works out. You know, Lee knows he did 12 spots two weeks ago.

Lee, you've had a look on your face all night. Like you've had a shit. You did two bonkets. You're okay. I'm fine. You're all spotty and shit. Yeah, I'm, I'm... And listen, the only reason why we didn't go deep tonight is because I'm dying here.

Wednesday, Danny Brown's in town. If he ain't working, we're going to eat 2,000 fucking 29,000 milligrams. We might not even do a fucking podcast Wednesday. I don't know when he could come back. Tomorrow we might do one just in case. So prepare, eat good tomorrow because if I get off work by 5. I always eat something with dairy in it before I come here because I know like I have to do it. Tomorrow double up on the dairy.

Eat a fucking ice cream off the concrete. We're eating shit you haven't seen tomorrow night. We're going deep, boy. We're going deep, boy. You're going to eat some fucking Guatemalan asshole, boy. I want to apologize to the people of Huntsville I had to cancel because I'm taping. I'm dying up here, but I will reschedule.

The only date I got on the books for March right now is the next date I got is March 21st. What is it, February? My next date is March 21st in Nyack, New York, and the early show sold out with thinking of adding a late show. It's a Wednesday, so I'm not sure. My flight's early, so I'm not sure.

So that's all I got going on. I'm going to sit here and keep right and keep trying to get it together and see what happens with Netflix or the other people and just hang out with my family. April, I got a couple gigs. I got Santa Fe, New Mexico, at a casino.

Oh, nice. Me and Dean Delray and I got a, what the fuck, Columbus with Kate Quigley. I'm taking them back to Columbus with me for 420. Yeah. So that'll be fun and shit like that. And that's it, people. I want to thank Theo Vaughn.

I want to thank the Christkiller for coming to Denver and doing the sets. did a great job. Thank you, buddy. Most people were the fucking shit their pants when the people. The champ. The fucking first time he went on stage, Wendy goes, I didn't know he did, the next thing. The room blew up.

And I go, now you see why I bring them. She goes, holy shit. Even the comics feel like, holy shit. So people love him. I'm happy that you went and got on stage and you didn't fall apart and your legs didn't fall asleep. Like they did the last time. Oh, no, it was like especially the second show was one of the fun, the most fun five

minutes ever had in my life. that was crazy. I've never experienced anything like that. Wow. That's awesome to hear, man. Even I can see your face light up when you say that. That's cool, man. Oh, it's a different feeling. Because when you guys were talking, I'll be quick, but all I could think about was, like, I didn't have people, like, I had a couple friends, but I would do stuff that I saw cool people doing because I'm like, maybe then they'll like me.

Yeah. Like, I'll do that stuff. So just to have people, like, genuinely seem to, like, genuinely seem to, like, like me and like it's not like three people it's like 300 screaming people it's a it's a if i feel bad saying it but it's a great feeling they're cheering for you man yeah no it's fun keep doing fucking calmly and put yourself in bad positions no reason to be comfortable like you know i got mad at you early i want you to put yourself in that position yeah you're very comfortable and you have to get uncomfortable you got to get uncomfortable dude

you're 30s that's it if you were a slave would you stay a slave bro you try to escape absolutely no it's Yeah. Okay. So now you got to escape. Let's see it. We got to do it now. Put in that work, bro.

I'm going to give you a slave name too. Let me come up with a good slave name. Give these two people shots out and I'll get you out of here. Like I said in the beginning of the show, are you hiring? Because posting your position to job sites and waiting and waiting and waiting for the right people to see it, that's not the way to go, all right? You know, there's a big challenge in finding great talent and how you went about it. All right? ZipRecruiter knew there was a smarter way.

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Number two, I want to thank Onit.com. They've been my sponsor since day one and my family. And the supplements are tremendous. I love the protein shake. I love the Shroom Tech, immune, the Shroom Tech Sport. I love all the products they put out. Listen, I don't care whether you try them or not. The Alpha Brain, if you're,

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Nobody. I want to thank my brother Theo Vaughn. What is it, Theo Vaughan.com? Praise God, man. Yeah, I'll be at Theovon.com. Go to Theovon.com. See with this kid. This kid's a real fucking deal.

If you don't go see him now, you're going to pay $1,000. to see this kid in a fucking year. So I go see him now. So in five years you go see him and go, listen, I saw you on the Joe D. I heard you on Joe Dias. And then I went to see you five years ago. Oh, my God, look what, this is the guy you want to go see. Gang, baby.

I'll eat your cousin's dick, son. Son. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. Have a great day. And don't forget, they all got to suck your dick at the end of the day. Amen. Do your thing, Lee.

Kick that fucking meal.