The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #567 - Steve Simeone

Episode Date: March 16, 2018

Steve Simeone, a comedian and writer, seen on Comedy Central's "This Is Not Happening" and heard as the host of the "Good Times With: Steve Simeone" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded on 03/15/2018.  

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boom and you're 10% off delivered straight to your fucking casa I also want to give a shout out to the greenhouse juice house on Lancashem across on the Lemley Theater those motherfuckers are throwing heat in there Do you understand me when I'm trying to heat?

I even had kale for the fucking first time in there the other day because they don't put the stems in it. They just put the leaves with little pineapple juice, little cold. They call it kale calata. Are you fucking nuts or what? Again, pineapple juice relieves the fucking soreness in your muscles after you jump up and down all day with a bunch of fucking savages.

So I want to give a shout out to the greenhouse. Lee, kick that fucking meal. Here we go. We had a little fuck up yesterday. So we got to get Wheeler Walker back on Fucking Lee fucked up the podcast But it's not his fault It's my fault

I got him too high I even got too high I got lost on my daughter's ballet I even made it late to pizza But it's a church of what's happening now I never let you down I always show up with something And today I got the best

The best in my world Mr. Steve Simone The Jew killer The Christ killer Right next to the best to him. There's like a meeting of the mind on a fucking Thursday.

You understand me? If you're 18, hang up now. Here we go. Kick that motherfucker mule. Time for a bonnet, motherfucker, because it's Thursday. Kick out the jams, people. I take you to hell.

Are you fucking nuts? Send you to heaven or take you to hell? It's fire, cock suckers. What are you fucking nuts? What? Fire. Fuego in Spanish for some of you Spanish people.

It's a beautiful day to be alive. Listen, my apologies. Listen, we try to change the show up. So for a few, last few weeks, you know, the stars of death are done. So we've been laying back on the edibles, just for personal reason, dieting reasons and whatnot.

Yesterday, I got a little froggy. I was overwhelmed on Monday and Sunday, and I just needed to blow off some. steam, but I went a little deeper and deep yesterday. I mean, guys, I've been doing this podcast for six years or a year, and I've had some fucking heavy moments here. I know Lee has seen the devil,

and we were fucked up yesterday. I mean, I don't know what happened. I didn't even go to ballet. I showed up for pizza late. I ate one slice of pizza without even talking to nobody. Just walked in and put it in your mouth?

I just put it in my mouth. I went home after that. I was fucked up. I really wanted to go out to the fourth warm to a spot. I was so fucked up. I went to bed. God knows what time. I think I was crawling in bed.

It was 10 to 10. And I slept straight till 5. Oh, that's great. Like, I was just fucking high. So my apologies, we'll bring Wheeler Walker back. But today, don't worry about nothing. I got my man Steve Simone here in-house, one of the fucking top comics working across the country today,

fucking Philly fucking raised and one of my emotional supporters. What's happening? I love you, Joey. Thanks for having me. So you saw Dice at the mall yesterday. Yeah. And I was with a buddy of mine from high school.

And he couldn't, like, well, this is how funny Andrew is. I see him walking through Macy's with his bags. And I go, Andrew, and he just looks at me and he goes, excuse me? Like, he didn't even know me. Like, everything's a goof to him. And then my friends, like, didn't know what was going on. And then Andrew made it uncomfortable. And then just started laughing.

And he was like, look. He goes, what I really wanted to do is just pretend. Like, I didn't know you and just leave. And then have you thinking for the next three hours. Was that Andrew? He is somebody that looked just like him? He is a professional torture chicken. Yeah, he's fantastic.

Like, to this day, you know, who can't sleep at night, Mike Ricker. Like, he just destroyed Mike Ricker. Like, he just destroyed Mike Ricker. And Mike Ricker would try to tell me stories about how he would go on the road with Andrew. And they'd be walking into a castle until like a town. Yeah. And a guy would come up to him and go, Andrew Dice Clay. Oh, my God.

I love you. And he's like, you want to go to the show tonight? And the guy's like, yeah, I really wanted to go to the show. And that's when it was him, the karate guy. Yeah. Remember that's when it was a karate guy, me, Pepsi. Happy face. Happy face.

Me, you. Pepsi. What was his name? The soda. Club soda. Kenny. I never met Club soda, Kenny. I know he did security for.

He did security for Andrew. Yep. The karate guy, me, you, and whoever was opening from. Now, I never saw him do this. Me and Steve experienced something different with Andrew. Ricka said that they would bump into somebody, and the guy would go, oh, my God, it's Andrew Dice Clay, and it would be six guys with Andrew.

Yeah. And Andrew would talk to the people, and where are you from? Long Island. Oh, my God, I'm from Long Island. Let's talk, and they were in Brooklyn or whatever. Yeah. And then they would go, you know what, I'm staying after four seasons. Call room 608 at 7 o'clock, and we'll go.

get your tickets. Okay. Right now we don't have a pen on us. And at the phone would ring at 7 o'clock on the dot and somebody would answer, hello. Who's this? Hi, this is Steve Simone. I met Andrew. Steve who? Steve fucking who? I don't know. Andrew.

You know Steve Simone? No, I don't know. No. Listen, he says he don't know who you are, but he let you talk. And you'd be going, yeah, we met earlier and I'm from Staten Island. Remember, we talked earlier? He's like, hold on, hold on. Then they get somebody else on the phone.

And they might start on him like, who's this? Steve Simone. Remember you guys met us from that one in a lawyer? Steve, let me ask you a question. Would you give tickets to something you just met? And it would just be fucking 10 minutes with him. Then they would pass him to Ricker. And Ricka would have to torture him for 20 minutes.

Then they would pass him to somebody else for 10 minutes. And then they would finally give him to Andrew, where Andrew would go, go fuck yourself and hang up on the poor guy. I couldn't do that to a person. Yeah, yeah, it was just hysterical. And then the phone would ring, and it was Andrew going, pick up the tickets in the front. Like, you know, like shit like that.

Like, that's what they got. You remember going to the restaurant that time with Andrew? He tormented. We did a show. He would torture everybody. Bobby Lee and Jim Norton. Or it was me, you and Jim Norton. This has to go 98.

This has to be 2000. Okay. 2001 probably was when I first started to. So we went and he took us to a diner and he ordered something and he would send it back. Constantly. It's got too much lettuce. It's got two little lettuce. I don't like the toast.

Not a toast is cold. You went back and forth. Not a toast is cold. Can you remake me a sandwich? And they'd remake the sandwich and he'd start on something else. You know what I don't want a sandwich anymore. Let me get a bowl of soup. That's what he does to torment.

That's what he does for fun. That's what he does for fun. So there's some, and he fucking howls about it. To some people, it sounds dickish, but at the end, there's a payoff. He always turns it around and he'll let you know it's a joke. Yeah, and he gets to people laughing events. They're like, okay, we had some laughs. Like, he did this once.

He had bought a house in Vegas, and he needed to buy everything for the house. Everything. So I'm with him for two weeks. We're going on, like, Macy's home. He robbed that house. place blind. Every store in the mall and now he's got beds. We have to buy beds. He bought four beds and he's hammered like for fun.

He would negotiate prices. He gets salespeople frustrated ripping up books. He would, we, okay, with the beds, he defiling the owner of the store is just like, well, what, fine, just leave. I'll take whatever you want, right? So he gets to four beds. Was he doing it for material? Was he just doing it for fun? And that's like his version of a video game is playing with people.

He does not. He just tortures people. And everything is a mind thing. Yes. And it's very smart. That's how he became who he is, with his mind, how he did things. He told me an interesting story once about booking crime story. How this is way before social media.

He was really big on the East Coast. And he went from Boston to Miami. me he was already selling out he was starting to do the hickory dickery doc your mother sucked my car and shit and he got a call one day and he goes

I gotta go down there and do a fucking audition this is when the comedy store was the comedy store Kennison was still alive you know everybody's having a good time and he said that he went in there to this audition like into at that time to a guy like me in that position when I heard

the story, I thought it was just insane. He said, he goes, I was doing good as a comic. He goes, I knew the role was for me, so I went in there and I fucked with him. I go, what do you mean, you're fucked him? He goes, I read everything backwards. I go, so wait a second, you went to read for Michael Mann for a fucking TV show, and you read everything backwards. And he goes, yeah.

But in between the words. I would do the character and talk like the character they were looking for so it didn't really fucking matter. That's genius type shit. Okay, that was... Daisy genius. So what he was doing was he told the...

First off, when you go into an audition, you're in your weakest point as a human being. You're about to get judged. You're going up in front of fucking... Judas, whoever sentenced Jesus to judge. You're getting judged on your acting, what you look like, if you're right for the role. God knows so many things on so many different levels.

And you feel it when you walk in there. It's really good once you learn to take control of that situation. I went through, I'm going to tell you right now, if you're an aspiring actor, and I got it, I can't see a person from, I can't see Lee listening to me and going in there tomorrow and doing what I'm telling me. Lee doesn't have the chops. I'm not taking anything away from Lee. Lee doesn't know what it is to go up in front of five people for two weeks in a row.

He does, but he doesn't, you know, like it's weird. When you have an audition and we do stand-up, what I finally realized was that I was doing stand-up in the room. I was going, I was going in there. as an actor and I said fuck that I'm going in there so I learned how to turn I'll never forget that day I turned one line into three and when I went back to shoot it they wrote it that way wow because it was one line but I made it three to stay in the room longer than anybody else wow those you were going to audition it's just a revolving door yes I didn't want to be part of that revolving door so what I did was I would stay in there longer and that would fuck with everybody else

his head that was standing there because the last 10 guys went in and out of there. I would read it wrong. I would let it fall. I would let the sheet fall on the floor. I would do anything I could to last more than three seconds because of the story Andrew Dice Clay told me that he made them leave, let the camera running so they could capture him doing all that dumb shit in between. Yeah. Usually you'll go. All right, ready. Lee, you're ready? All right. One, three, two, one. So where were you the night of November 12th?

And you'll go, I was at home my mother watching Jeopardy or something like that. But the line was the Hollywood Squares. And you say Jeopard will go, cut, that's right there. He would say, don't say, don't cut. Let it roll, just keep moving. Wow. Right there, that thing, you just control the room. Yeah.

But it takes two fucking things between your legs hanging deep to do that. Because when you go to an audition and you actually see people walking in, it's really weird, Steve Simone. You don't know what it's like when people cower. Like I've seen all levels of people in audition. I've seen the people walk in. Like, I walk into an audition now. But I learned that in Spider-Man too.

When I went to read for Spider-Man too, Everybody in that movie, everybody in that room to read was somebody you saw in a big movie. And I took one look at them and I go, you know what? They don't have the comedy store at midnight. Yep. None of these people could do that. Fuck them. I'm going in there and fucking it up.

And boom, the next day I had books by the man too. I remember reading an interview with Bill Murray. And he said early on, Gilda Radner was amazing at auditions because she was rich. She didn't need the money. You didn't need the money. She didn't have any pressure on her. And he was just starving for his next meal. So he was like, I realized by watching Gilda that I had to go in and not care what happened.

He was like the only way I could be myself and be loose was to go in there and go, all right, let's just see where it lands. It's fucking crazy. It's crazy. I've seen people at an audition dressed like the character. You're lost there. Once they tell you, I remember one time that I got a call for Mari. You get that audition. I go, yeah, yeah.

And tomorrow we got to dress up like 17th century soldiers or something like the 1846. And you know, Ari, he's like, where the fuck? I'm not going to get a suit for 1846. He's like, fuck that, man. Yeah. I'm going in there. Like, I'm going in there. And he goes, what are you going to do?

I go, I'm not going in there at all. Great. I'm not even going to fuck with it. Like, they wanted you to wear some Confederate suit or something like that. Some bullshit. Yeah. Fuck you. And what?

Everyone else is going to the costume store getting Confederate sued? You go to those auditions and there's people dressed like chefs, you just lost. Yeah. You lost. You lost. So what do you think the real secret to audition? I would wear a white t-shirt. Gotcha.

I would still wear a white t-shirt. But I would never put the chef's hat on. The stupid hat and an apron. And I would have a brown. And they would have an apron. No. I would wear a white t-shirt. I'd give them the appearance of what they're looking for.

You're looking for a cop? I wear blue long-leys shirt. But I'm going to wear a cop uniform with jeans and sneakers. Gotcha. It's the same effect. Yeah. So they could picture. You know, it's all your mind game.

I go back to that one audition I did where it called for a guy on his patio with a big set, heavy set guy watering his plants. You ever see people. The old school thing? No, no. We're the host. Okay. But you ever see people that wear like bikinis on the beach. And women walk past men and they go, ooh, like this guy did not need a bikini on.

Yeah. But when I got to the audition, I saw all these Italian dudes, bro, that would fuck me up in an audition. I go, they're all going to get it. And I thought quick, I go, I got underwear on. And I got sweats on. And I go, I'm going to take a chance. And I walked into the room and they go, give us a minute. And as soon as they turned around, I said, perfect.

I took my fucking sweats off. and when they turned back around I took my shirt off I was just there with a pair of tidy whiteies on and I asked them if they wanted a hot dog or something like that and I was it that was it I knew it was lights out because nobody else thought

of going in there with a pair of bikini out of you know what I'm saying there's a time to wear the costume and there's a time not to wear the car I have this fucking Silence of the Lambs was on last night and I was watching it for a little while and then Hannibal came right after that on HBO.

And it was casted by this guy that cast Donny Brasco. Wow. He cast a bunch of Dijamo, Lou DiGiamo, his name is. He even cast Godfather, too. Wow. He went to high school with the real Donny Brasco. Oh, my gosh. Joe Pistone?

Yeah, so when Joe Pistone did the movie, Joe went to him and said, I want you to cast a movie. There were friends and shit. That's awesome. But I did a cold reading workshop with him at UCLA. This is when me and Terry couldn't barely pay rent, and Terry paid $180 for a workshop. Wow.

And Brian Callum is there. This is 2001. Yeah. 2000. This is 2001. Brian Callan's there. And I took the workshop home with me. The worksheet.

Yeah. I still have the worksheet. It's in my daily journal. Wow. So whenever I get an audition, And as soon as I get the audition, I take the sides. I put the yellow in, I smoke a joint. I have to read it a couple times and I leave it alone.

Then I come back and I give it the flavor. But before I go to that audition, I pull that checklist out. And his checklist is fucking evil. Like, don't go in there to book the job. Go in there to be remembered. You know, if you're going to go in there and light the room on fire, light it on fire. If not, don't go. Don't go.

You know, like, he's... has a lot of things that you make sure you have the character like I can't remember off the top of my head I'd love to take a look at all my god that that's incredible that shit's the Bible cheats like just sheet codes like just two pages of what and I'll write little things on the sheet to remember but one thing it is don't go in there to book the job going there to be remembered it's genius that fucking line right there is fucking classic like he booked sleepers and he says they looked at Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Love Hewitt, but one day he got to his fucking office, and there was a shoe hanging on his doorknop, and it said, how do I get my foot in the door, and the note and a resume, and it was the chick that he hired. Wow. The Australian chick that plays the Puerto Rican chick. Wow.

Different shit. So for like TV shows and movies, like they obviously have the bigger roles, but for like all these, like, smaller roles, how many people will they see for them? 15 that cut it down as six for producers That's still a lot of people Like trying to like trying to differentiate between If that's the type they're looking for If they're looking for a Steve Simone type

They're going to look at eight people Right Yeah They're going to cut it down a four for producers And then Let the producers decide That's a lot of people to like to be remembered But think about going for a commercial audition

You're going against 60 Oh, my God. At a commercial audition, I've only gotten callbacks when I go into the audition. Everybody looks like me. Sometimes they don't know what they're looking for. Yeah, no. It's everybody. And I go, you know, why even?

Yep. It's not even worth it. I get calls every once in a while. Hey, take a look at this audition. It's a great role. And you read it and you go, you have to look at the scene and ask yourself, do you belong in this fucking scene? And you'll go, no, I don't.

and they don't know what they're looking for. Guess what? I ain't got that type of time. It's a waste of everybody's time. 11 o'clock at Warner Brothers, I'll take a ride over there. I'll stop at poros on the way back. You know what I'm saying?

It's a nice day, yeah. But 4.30 off of Beverly Boulevard. You got to go over the hell. You're going to let me loose at 4 o'clock. Go fuck you, son. You're in no danger. You got a better chance of fucking roller skating. You got a better chance of roller skating the hell

than making me go down there. That's crazy It really is I had some weird shit this week What kind of week you have this week Steve Simone? Pretty good I did my first

I did a corporate yesterday At 9 o'clock in the morning For most of the people in the room Couldn't even speak English Oh they could speak English But it wasn't their first language And it went great I'm like this was fantastic

The guy saw me at the comedy store No shit Yeah I was like this is great They sent me an Uber I felt like a big shot And it was right on the, that was at the Annenberg Beach House on, right on the beach in Santa Monica. So it was a great way to start my day.

And then I've been working out. It's good. Talk to Ari. I'm going to go to Ari's place for a month. You are? Well, he's in Australia. Yep, while he's in Australia. You'll be in New York?

Yeah. What dates? I'm going to be in, well, after I get back from Canada on the 13th, I'm going to come back to L.A. for that weekend. And then I'm going to fly to New York on that Monday or Tuesday. day, which is what? Like the 16th or 17th of April? Of April, all the way through like May 21st. And then I'm going to come back and forth for a couple of things, but I'm going to try

to do that month in New York. I'm excited. Did you book Nyack yet? No. Tell them you want to book Nyack and all those little places? I reached out to Ari hooked me up with the stands. They're good guys over there. Good people.

Very good people. And then Amy Hawthorne that used to hang out at the comedy store. She's booking a club there. So if I just get a couple dates, stuff my face, eat something. and delicious, get to be in New York, take the bus back to Philly to see my nephews. I'll be happy. It'll be a good month.

That's good. You're at that stage now where it's good. Yeah, it's good. It's fun. It's just fun. You do what the fuck you want. You're really looking to right. You're not looking to really act.

If somebody calls you. Exactly. Yep. What was it like the week, Sand of a 9 in the morning? It was the earliest I've ever done a show. But most of the people that were from Finland and they're very polite people.

And they love them. American stand-up comedy. And it was great. It was wonderful. I can't wait to do more of that stuff. Because it was positive, like, business people. They loved it. I didn't think I'd be able to pull it off, but it worked.

So this morning I did something. This week, the two things out of my comfort zone. I went to Jiu-Jitsu at 90s, which is scary as shit. I was really overwhelmed this week. Yeah. You know, Sunday's podcast with Joe L. Romero, fucked me up a little bit. So cool.

Not the one Monday as much as Sunday because, like I said, whenever I'm around Cuban refugees, I get this sense of guilt. I didn't pay my dues. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? But I did pay my dues in other ways. I didn't pay my dues that way.

Yeah. And that's why I have a rough time talking to my fucking sister on the phone, because there's not much to say. I mean, I don't know. Yeah. I just feel weird all around. But it was really overwhelming Monday. And after Rogans, I dropped them.

We went and got a juice at the G-spotel over across in the Lemley. They got like a Pataya bowl. They were loving it there. They were loving it. They had been there like three fucking times. I took them the first day and they're like, this is, this is, what the fuck? The juices, the bowls, the asailles bowls, the pataya. They got a bunch of good like you.

They even have oatmeal. Wow. That'll blow your fucking mind with hemp milk and shit like that. Just delicious shit. So that Monday night after the podcast was done, I dropped them off. And I went back to say my goodbyes. Like on the drive home, I was just overwhelmed. And I walked in the house and I forced myself to do a spot at the fourth wall.

Okay. Even though I was overwhelmed as I was and fucking tired. Like the day started at 807. Yeah. And it was 715, and I was just sitting down for the first time. It was the podcast. I got up at 8. I played with my daughter for 15 minutes.

I talked to my wife. I did my little ritual, and I went to kickboxing at 9. I got out there, took a shower, picked Joel up, and those guys at 10.30, and got them up to Rogan, then finished with them, entertained them for an hour or two, dropped them off before their flight. and then I went home, picked up Mercy, played with her for a while, and then left her, went back to the hotel, hung out with them,

waited for their car to come, and then I went home and finished off the night with Mercy, and at 9 o'clock, I shot over to the 4th Wall. You had the dedication to go back to the 4th Wall 9 o'clock? This is what we do is comedians, brother.

That's incredible. People just don't get it. They don't get it. And if I don't, you know, a couple years ago, when I started doing this podcast with Lee and stuff like that, something took all of my life that was really weird.

I was responsible for my words now. So now when I break people's balls or people come in here and I learn something from them, I try to implement it in any way that I can because I see that it's working for them. Yes. Something works with somebody and you're watching it. That's it. That's it. This is the way I'm doing it.

Yes. Whatever I've been doing it, I've been doing wrong. They're doing it right. Yes. What were we talking about? When you started the podcast, someone chanted over your life. And it did. It made me be more responsible.

It made me, you know, first thing, go out of your comfort zone and time to time. Yeah. If not, nothing fucking happens in your life. It's so true. Nothing will happen. You live this life like a fucking putt. So the night, I picked up Mercy after swim class and she's like, Daddy, I just want to go home. When we got home, she said something about fucking.

and she wanted to play a game. I go, you know what? I'm going to leave for an hour, and I'll come back and eat dinner. She goes, okay. And I put my gear on. I flew over there, and I did an hour. I rolled three times. I got beat up.

But when I got in that car, I had done something different. Then I got dressed and went and did two spots at the store. That's incredible. I did Tripoli's room and the fucking original room. That's it. No, this is what we do. Yeah. What the, you know, people live in shock.

and I have to let, you know, like Lee, I got to call Lee and go, what the fuck? You gotta get up, kid. Kind of do it. This is, this is it. Yeah. This is the way I've been doing it since I was 21. I don't know no other way. Yeah, people don't realize how much work it takes behind the scenes.

Yeah. People have no fucking idea. And then they get, well, I want so much out of life. But I just saw you Sunday watching a football game. Do not. I can't remember the last time I sat down and watched anything. I don't know what the fuck. I told Lee that you're becoming a comic now.

Might as well throw, if this is what you want to. If this is what you want to do, throw your TV away. Yep. Next time you see somebody, that's the next level of commitment when you go. Just take the TV. I haven't been watching it. Like, I finally, this week on Tuesday, I finally felt like a real, because I've been going to one place and I had three spots. Oh, that's great.

I went. I went, well, because I've been doing. For me, the show. I'm proud of you. That's great. For me, you can't talk to talk unless you walk to walk. Yeah. How can I tell these kids?

kids at home that this is what you need to do. Yep. Whether you're 55, 85, I'm ashamed to myself at 55. Look at Ron White. But he does it 61. I'm ashamed to myself. And he goes out four months, weeks a month, and drinks.

Yeah. He just not only goes out, he does tequila and whatever. If a Colombian shows up, brief a to trots, you know, I give my hats off to that guy. Yep. But people do not understand the extreme of the work. And the shit, you're running a business. You're running a business.

What if your business, if three employees get sick for three weeks, it ain't going to run. That means you got to take care of yourself. Yep. That means you got to take care of yourself, you know? All those little things. You got to drink water. You got to write. Who the fuck of mine not to go to the fourth wall on Monday night?

Who the fuck of mind? I'm not doing a podcast. I'm going to sit there for three hours with two women and talk about what. And talk about what? Right. Now it takes one hour. It takes one hour to go do the fourth hour. fucking fourth wall and you'll always learn something you will always learn something as a comic

so i moved to l.a i didn't know nothing about tv yeah i knew nothing about tv when people said to me joe rogan's on news radio i thought it was a radio show that's what i knew i nothing and did i not even give a fuck right i don't know anybody i didn't give a fuck about what was on tv i didn't give a fuck what the score was what your mother's favorite show was i don't forget that doing comedy at night, Seinfeld. People are like, nobody's going to come to the show. Yes, they are. Because there's Americans like me that don't give a fuck. And sure not there was

60 people there on Seinfeld's final fucking show. Yep. You know, when you want to do something, your life changes. You have to fucking change it. It's not what you want to do no more. It's what needs to be done. Those are two completely different sentences.

I wanted to. Yeah, I know. That's what you wanted to, but that's not how what needs to get done. Yeah, if you make it a need, it will get done. I don't give a fuck how you getting done. I don't care how you do it. Yeah. I don't care.

If you said you wrote on that piece of paper, you're going to the gym, I don't give a fuck if you walk in there at midnight. Yep. But you're going to fucking do it. Yes. And people refuse to do that. And there's life. And then they sit there and they go, why do I have credit card debt?

Why don't I have the things I want? Because you can't even make a commitment to one fucking thing. Yes. One fucking thing. I was so... Let's put our cards on the table here. The last time I was proud of myself, really, really proud of myself

was when I got picked to go to five-star basketball camp when I was 14 years old. That was the last time I was as overwhelmed as I was Monday. For more reasons than one, I got the... Your Romero looks like a villain on paper. But even without meeting them, I knew what his heart was because I've been there and I know that.

Yeah. I wanted him to, my first question, the only question I wanted for this podcast was, who are you? You know, I wanted to touch his heart. That's what this podcast is about. You know, that was a good thing. Number two, my friend opened up in Jiu-Jitsu school.

I wanted to help him out. I wore his T-shirt on Rogan. That was number three. Another friend of mine said he wanted a picture with him. me in the world term. I got him a picture with him. It was one of those days where I made people's day. I got my day made.

I made your day with the podcast. It was a really good fucking day. Yeah, that's how life's supposed to be. I'm sick and tired of, you know what, man, I'm a comic, and I got a little bit of an attitude, and I got my fucking ghost or your demons we all do. But I got to tell you something, man. My goal every day when I wake up, besides getting on stage and trying to be productive and trying to take care of myself, is to make somebody's day.

That's it. That's the secret. It's been so important to me lately. With a joke, call somebody. Yes. My friend's dad died and invited down to the story on the night. He showed up. Yeah.

He's burying his father on Saturday, and he showed up. He needed it. So he's down there like half. He comes in. First thing, I got a box from Speedweed. a big shout out to my man Gino from Speedweed. He's the greatest. If you're in the valley and you need weed delivered to your house, go to Gino.

He showed up with a utility belt, a refra the box of fucking edibles for me and shit. They were 15 milligram edibles. But my friend, his dad just died, I said, walk me to my car. He had no idea what he was getting himself into. He came over and he goes, what's going on? He was little like nervous. I could see that his pain. And I go, let's eat some edibles, bitch.

He goes, last time I had edible was I got fucked up. I'm not sure. I go, you don't need to be sure here. I just gave him a piece of chocolate. And he ate one. There was 15 milligrams. And he goes, I think this is all like I am. I go, not tonight.

And I gave him another one for 15 milligrams. Then we went and I go, what are you drinking? He goes, I think I'm just going to have a water. I go, no, no, no, no. What are you drinking? He goes, Docatonic. Like, he knew that he wasn't getting out of their lives. Yeah.

And then fucking, I got him a seat. in the original room. He got to watch Joe and he got to watch Ali Wong and Sebastian. Oh, fire lineup. Then he got off the stage and who's at the store.

Victor with Kevin Gellsterman, the UFC fighter on a mission. Oh, I saw that picture in the back of the smoking lounge of the comedy store. Kevin Gastelman and he's fucking hugged me. I introduce him to him. He's like, how the fuck is this happening? I go, I don't know.

Theo. And then Theo Vaughn shows up with Mickey Gall and Joe, whatever. Shilling from the Bellator champion with Ian Edwards, the old UFC fighter. Wow. He's in the back. He's a jih Tzu guy. His father just died.

And he's in the back smoking with Kevin Gasperman and the fucking nothing. Well, they weren't smoking with him. They were in the back back there. And he was smoking with a bunch of comics. And me, Kevin Gastelman, Victor, Rogan. We're all sitting on the other side of the fucking thing. And everybody's fucking smoking dope.

And I looked on him at one thing. And he looked at me and he just winked. And I felt so fucking good about myself. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I made this fucking night. He just winked at me. And then I said, listen, I got the five-year-old. I got to get up in the morning, bro.

And I go, you need anything call me? And I go, I'm sorry. And it was just nice. Like, it was just two days that were just nice. But the first day, fucking Monday, when I walked in from the hotel, I threw my sneakers off I put my feet up and I was like wow That was just overwhelming

Yeah And I was watching some shit show on TV And I scrolled to see what was on Oh my God Reels TV hot on the outlawed Josie Wales from the part where he saves The Indian chick from getting raped Jesus

Oh good I watched that for about 30 minutes All the way up to the part where he shoots the fucking String off the soldier's boat And they floated away And then, and they, on all, the best is the old Indian that's selling that tonic and fuck in. There's a scene when he goes up to the Indian, he goes, this is for people who can't handle their alcohol. And the Indian insults him.

And then Clint Eastwood knocks him down on the way out. And now they show him again. And he's got this jacket off. And he's using his fucking ointment to get the dirt off his white jacket because he was a salesman. You know, I love Josie Wells is one of those westerns that's just funny. Like, it has little... Little moments. That's how Clint East would want.

And after I watched that, bro, I went over. I met Lee at the fourth wall. And I did my spot. But yeah, people, why, but tonight I'm going to go down there and do a few spots. I'm out tonight. Yeah. It's Thursday. I'm out tonight.

Tomorrow I'm going to act in punctual the week's over. Are you going to go to the store tonight, too? Yeah. I'm going down there tonight. Perfect. You got a 1045, so white, you know. Maybe I'll do an early spot at the night. the fourth wall then just go to the store

to have? I think I'll leave the house at 9. I'll do the fourth wall. I'll tell Joe I've got to leave right after my spot at 9.30 and I'll fucking be down there by 10. Watch two or three comics. I think it's a bash and Mark Marin learned something. And then I come home. I eat a bag of dicks like I did the other day and I come home.

And nobody gets their fucking feelings. And I did my four or five spots for the week. I'm doing a spot Saturday for the fucking Irishman. at the improv. So I'm good. Oh, you're doing Greg Fitzhimmons show? Yeah, so I did my goal for the week.

That's great. That's it. Nobody gets their feelings. If I stay in town, I'm still going to do 20 sets a month, 22 sets a month. So that's the number. For me, at this point, you know. When I first got here, I needed three a night.

That's 21 a week. That's fucking 84 months. If I could do 30, I'd be happy. Wow. Yeah, that's the work ethic. Every time I need to work harder. Like, we all need to work harder. Like, I hear that and I just go, okay, well, there's no excuses.

You got to do more. We all need to work harder. And people, it's really crazy that the last couple of years, I've seen more and more people that I've looked at me. And I always knew you had to work hard at whatever you wanted to do. I was just scared of the work. Yeah. I was always scared of the work. Yep.

up to the age of 34, I was scared of the work. I'm not going to lie, nobody. I was actually scared of working. And once you realize that it's either this or die. Right. It's either this or at least eat or get the things that you want to eat. You know what? You don't have to eat lobster, but it's nice not to get that turkey packaged with a bunch of chemicals shot.

And it's nice to get a nice slice turkey from the boys head. The Daly's Foreshead versus the... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yes. You can eat dollar bread. You can go to the dollar store and get bread or eat some nice wonder bread and shit with some mails and some lettuce.

You know, it's up to you. I'm not saying you got to be Bridget Bardot, but those are decisions you have to make. I remember living off Wendy's 99 cents menu. Yeah. When I first moved to L.A., why? I was addicted to the cult. And that's the decision I made. I also ended up at 418 pounds eating those fucking.

went these nine cents menu. Would I go in there? No, but then one day I'm like, listen, for me to live, I got to eat like a little bean. I got to fry my own eggs. I got to eat two pieces of Ascomiah, center cut bacon from the middle. They don't give you that fucking hog.

You ever cooking bacon? You can smell when it's hog. It's in the air. You can smell it. You know, I mean, those are decisions you have to make. And then you start saying, well, now I need to make $1,200 a month, or $1,400 a month, or $1,600 a month, the $1,600 a month.

You know what? You won't make it the first three months, but all of a sudden, you'll start making $1,600 a month. Yeah, especially when you need to do it. Yeah, when you put it out into the universe and you actually work, you know when you're working.

That's true. You know when you're working. Nothing happens on the bed and nothing happens on that fucking couch. Nothing. Nothing. And to get, you know, you look at these Olympians.

I read an article three weeks ago. do you know what it cost to become an olympian no idea what do you think pays for their training what do you think the u.s the olympic sends them money every month and you you and your parents wow they get they do it just for the love of it which is they do it for the love of it that's incredible how incredible is that they go they do everything that you need to do yeah once you get to a certain level i'm sure that you get some sponsorship money but i just read an article but the guy who put 80 grand in his credit card for three years or something. Wow.

80 grand a year on his credit card. Something just ridiculous. Now is he going to get sponsors? Is somebody going to help him with that? I guess later on you get sponsors, I guess. I think you get something for a way if you win the medal. But that's not guarantee. Yeah, you got a fucking Cheerios commercial.

You know, once that runs out, what's the luck? You do a commercial, you get three to seven grand. What's 80 fucking grand in debt? What are you going to do with seven grand? You're going to have a party. You're going to sniff a Coke? some of these tetties. What do you think you're going to do?

I don't know, but it's a lot of fun. Like, I've been very lucky the last couple weeks to get to do shows with Steve and St.m. Tripoli and Joey, not, but it's, like, I'm at a place, like, I'm just amazed when I hear how long you guys have been doing it. But if I do one spot, it makes me want to go doing it, like, for whatever, like, it's so much fun that it makes you want to go do another. I felt guilty because the other day you said something to me, you go, well, these guys I said doing this.

I told you not to do it, not to get involved with that because I know the value of a dollar, one, and I know what a spot, listen to me, a spot is a spot, it's a spot. I don't give a fuck whether you get in your car and drive to Wyoming or whether you get in your car and drive to Sherwin-Ox. A spot's a spot's a spot. Now I'm worried about your time. Right, yeah. What's worth your time?

You're following me? Yeah, it's fun if Steve Simone says. to you, hey, I'm doing the volcano room in Portland, Oregon. I can't pay you, but you can't sleep on the floor and do guess that. Fuck yeah, that's your brother. You know, he gets 10% off at the restaurant. You know what I'm saying?

But for you to get in your car and going to the unknown, not known, you got the fourth wall. Call fucking Rizzo, call Johnny Rock. They got a room somewhere. Right. I just, like, I've heard so many stories about you guys running from spot to spot and it always gives me a little bit of anxiety because I don't like being late places but like I just had so much fun the other night I got in line and I got my spot at the pizza

place but then I ran and did the Skiptown Playhouse with Steve Dez and but then that ran a little bit late so I had to run back up to North Hollywood wait till Lake the season oh and I was running from my car and they call they call my name so I didn't get to propel and and I did that and then I went over to the fourth it just like I finally felt like an actual comedian and wait to like the season So you get somewhere and they go, oh, we forgot. The show's not going to start at 8.30. We got to wait until 10.

That's true. And that's the night that you're getting $75 bucks at $10. And the Lakers go into overtime. You know what I'm saying? Like, oh, man, I'm getting $75. I can go eat tomorrow. I can get a bag of weed. And all of a sudden you get down there for the small 20,

and they tell you, we're not waiting. We got to wait for the Ligie game to end. And then you're like, what? So what do you do? Do you run? No, no, no, no. And not only that, not only are you waiting for the Ligigame 10. You also drove down on E because you only got $16 on your ATM and you need $20 to take money out of that.

So you could charge five on your fucking card on the gas, but you really don't want to. So the 22, they were going to give you the 20 and the drink ticket at that gig. You need that 20 because that 20 was going to get you to your next gig. That's going to get you the 75. So now you can't do that because the Laker game delayed you. That's why once basketball season comes, on the comedy, it changes in your neighbor. But same thing happens if you were in Boston. You're going to do an open mic in Boston and turn off a hockey game.

Or Red Sox game, or you? Good luck. Good luck turning off a fucking Celtic game on a Tuesday night when they're at home. Good luck at a neighborhood in fucking Dorchester or something like that. Good luck, my friend. Same thing happens. Yeah. You got to look at your schedule.

Or what about the times you book like your book like a fucking April in the town? And it's the week that they're in the NBA playoffs. Oh, nobody's there. And nobody's there, dog. Nobody. I remember going to Houston there being four people. Four people couldn't get tickets. I ever been in Calgary when the flames were doing a playoff on a hockey in Canada?

Forget it. Forget it. Forget it. Everything shuts down. And you're excited as fuck. I was. You're excited. Fuck.

So there's 22 people. Do you guys like look at sports and like, like, not to be mean, but do you look at them like wishing they lose? Like, please. Oh, now you get pissed. Every club owner hates the local team. Mention to a club owner, hey, do you go to Celtic games? Fuck you and fuck the Celtics.

You know how much money they cost me every time they go on the playoffs? They can't wait for fucking basketball season to be over. because now they can go back to making money. It's fucking crazy league during basketball and hockey season. Fuck this out. Yeah, fuck like Denver Nuggets. Yeah, go into a bar in Common City and tell them we're turning off the game in the third quarter.

I dare you. That's so funny. It's a lot to compete with, especially when it's free on TV. Denver? There's no reason to stay in Denver. Sunday night during football season. No. If she books you from September to December on a Sunday, just go Wendy.

I'd rather not live through that. Because if they win, I'd rather not live through that. If they win, it's a good time. And if they lose, it's not a good time. You don't want to be in the middle of that. You don't need the $50 to $50. I don't need the $50. Because nobody's going to show because they're partying.

If they win, if there's a one o'clock game in Denver, ain't nobody coming. to see you tonight. On a Sunday when it's 80 degrees and it's November and the Lord's Day on the Sunday, they're starting drinking that cause water. I got that Indian water flowing. You ain't got no country. That is a party town. That's a Denver Bronco town.

Yeah. I don't go to fucking Broncoville. I don't fuck with the Broncos. I learned early. I was a thief in Denver. Best time to rob a fucking mall is when the Broncos on. Everybody's in the hallway watching the TV. You're walking to the mall, putting on shirts.

Those savages in Boston, Rob Grunkowski's house during the Super Bowl. Yeah, that's how you rob. You think the cops are going to respond to a lot? You think one of those rent the cops, eight bucks an hour and his little white fucking trees. During the Super Bowl, he's going to shut it off, put it on the seat, put the car and drive, get the electricity going. Are you fucking kidding me? That's how to do things. It's crazy, but there's so many aspects to comedy.

I remember doing triple run. We were talking about Trimber Runs with Dan last week. And going into the room and you have this material. And all of a sudden it says on the bottom, oh, by the way, this is a Mormon room. You can't talk about all these topics. These are all the learning curves. These are all the fucking, what fuck is this? I almost broke my own arm just.

You see that? I almost just unbombed myself right there. You imagine breaking your own arm over the desk. I'd be the biggest moron. I tell you, I'm electrocated myself last week with the Pezman. I put the Tens machine on my back The shit that gives you electrical shock When I wash my hand

I felt smoke coming out of my ears Did I tell you Lee how to come over And put crazy glow on my tongue last week Oh yeah And I put sleep at me up me Right I left your house And the fucking glue The sleep at me heat

Made the glue expand It looked like a building When I woke up the next morning I thought I had like a gold tooth I felt like I was like a fucking Oh my God You know I've had the bad luck in the world Can we tell them about that night where you came out looking like you were in a horror movie?

Your t-shirt was bloodied up. And then as soon as we got the gum on, the, whatever, not the gum, the glue on your tongue, he was rolling a joint. I had to lick the joint. But then as soon as you smoked, he got blood on it. He's like, it's okay. It's good for you. It's 12.30 at night. He was blood on the other side.

He came over 12-time. It comes on Mars and 12-day. I got off for you a joint. He offered me a mini donut, and then he was joint and taking edibles. Meanwhile, his tongue was bleeding like it was like, like he shot it. So usually I bite my tongue, you bite your tongue, you take a Xanax. The Xanax slows down the count. I don't think that's how.

What kind of glue do you put on it? Crazy glue. Crazy glue. That happened once before with Jerry Roja, and Jerry brought like, not-named brand crazy glue, and it didn't work. It's still here. It's still here. Like Puerto Rican crazy glue from the dollar store. shit don't do nothing.

You put your helmet on, put yourself to a beam, you'll fall in a minute. I remember that commercial. It's crazy glue. Crazy glue is the shit, dog. I've seen... It's not for tongue bites. Dog, there was a year I would crazy glue people's phones. I just would crazy glue their phone.

You would do that? I had crazy glue, and I would crazy glue. There was a salesman that would always take the sales call. So I would crazy glue his phone from time to time, dog. And it would drive him bananas. So his hand? He couldn't pick up the receiver? He couldn't pick it up?

Yeah, he couldn't pick it up. Oh, my God. Dog, I was a killer with crazy glue. Where did you get so much crazy glue? You just keep buying crazy glue. You have no idea what fun is to you get crazy glue. You put glue on somebody's door where they open up the car door. Oh, they can't get in?

Oh, no, yeah. I fuck with people all the time and crazy glue. Oh, yeah, for years in Colorado, one of my first criminal mentor, the first guy that taught me weaponry showed me crazy glue is the biggest weapon in the world. You can glue some of these hands together. It's fucking crazy. By the time they pull it apart, their fucking skin comes off. If I put crazy glue on your palms, a lot of crazy glue and put your hands together,

I could smack the fuck out of you for 10 years. because by the time you pull your palms together skin's gonna come off you're gonna lose some skin you're gonna rip off some skin Jesus Crazy glue is no joke

Why do you know How can you get it off? Because women's nail polish removal Now polish removal He was a green beret That's what He did miracles

That stuff Yeah those guys are A different breed of cat It would be great Just to stab A motherfucker Put crazy glue around the cut

that'd be great what does that do I don't know but I just that's a move for John Wick that's shit the skin wasn't going to be able to close or something are they really going to do a John Wick TV show did you read that

am I going crazy thinking of Keanu Reeves is going to do it too okay that's a show I'll watch yes no I'm looking forward to that yeah that's badass right there Keanu John Wick is my show so good I think I watched it 30 times it's so good

every time it's on HBO I watch John Wick too whatever I'm Is that going better? I like the first one. I like both of them. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

Which John Wick shows up. One, two, three, six. It don't matter. They're fucking good movies. He's very good of that movie. Very good. Chauta Reeves is great. To train five hours a day, Jujitsu, just that alone.

You know, there's some actors that you don't like, bro, I love Tom Cruise and the movie with him and Jamie Fox. I didn't see that. Oh, collateral. Collateral? That's one of my, that's one of my, that's one of the taxi driver. Jamie Fox No I didn't see that I'm gonna go check it out

See Tom Cruise collateral Disco-Tecite Chinese discotheque scene I'll tell you what I like Tom Cruise When he was in that Jack Reacher movie He wasn't bad The blonde in that Jesus Christ

The blonde and Jack Breacher I don't know if it's wanted to She's fucking beautiful Yeah The discotheque scene The Chinese disco scene And fucking Uh

Whatever it is Collateral. Collateral. That is, he's beautiful. He's beautiful in that. You can tell he's five-foot-fucking eight. You can tell he's a midget in that fucking movie. But besides that,

I wish I was five-foot-eight. What's going on, Lee? I'm looking for. What are you looking for? I wish I had to capitalize. I have to do it in YouTube. Oh, I haven't seen this. You never, this is a great,

I think it's a good movie. You know, Who's in this, you know who's in this movie that's not bad? The Spanish guy. He's married to Penelope Cruz. Watch this, yeah. I think this is even shot in Korea Town. Wow.

I can't believe you've never seen this. No. He's great, this guy. Jimmy Fonds? No, the white dude. He was at the comedy store a few weeks ago with watching somebody. Okay. Look at our boy.

Emilio Rivera in this movie. There's Emilio coming at you. There you go, a young Emilio. Javier Bardan is in this. He plays the Mexican gang boss. The guy from No Country from Old Wend? Yeah, he plays the Mexican gang boss. This is a great movie.

This kid is a great actor. He goes to the store from time to time. I forget what his name is. So it's Tom Cruise and Jamie Fox. Walking into a disco and that guy that's sitting there is the target. He's got to shoot him. But the problem is they've already shot three or four people. The cops aren't him.

That he's coming back to shoot witnesses. So those guys you saw coming in there, cops. Oh, I saw this a long time ago. He's the hitman or something like that. He's got to get him all in one night. I saw this a long time ago. This is a very, very good movie. He's very fucking good in this shit.

But he shoots military style. This is how that guy used to teach me how to shoot when I was a young man. Military style. Which is your footing, you're stepping, I guess. I guess I really don't know. I know. Have you seen that video with Keanu Reeves switching his weapons as he's shooting? Yeah.

Like the military guy says he's good at him. He's phenomenal in this shit. I love when they do all that stuff. Here we go. He's just fucking people up. Yeah, he fucks 29 people up in this. He starts taking bodyguards out one by one. Oh!

There you go. You can put a little ladder. It just needs to be. Oh! I got to go to that place in Korea, time. There's a little cat there. And that guy's a cop. He's a cop.

He's a great actor, I forget what his name is. He does a bunch of Michael Vance. All the way back to Miami Vice. Get your hands in the air. Get your hands in the air, bitch. Where did you go that? Talk. To get me up.

And then Tom Cruise goes to work, Jack. Look at them. Tom Cruise ain't fucking around, Jack. Tom Cruise is going in there, stabbing motherfuckers, breaking their neck one by one. The cops fucked up. See, they got shot. Look at fucking Chinese chin. He don't know what the fuck he's going to do.

And I'm like Jamie Fox in this brings me out. Yeah. And the Mexicans are in there, too. This is crazy. Yeah, Tom Cruise is. Scientology 101, Jack There you go

There you go I mean he's blasting people Tremendous Look at the mob boss Bam bam bam bam bam And that's all he shoots One to the heart One to the head

He's not even worried about the cops right now Tremendous Look at it One to the heart One to the head He knows you're doing No fucking around Two shots

And then walking away. Walks out. And that's the thing. Like we talk a lot about like bad movies or this and that. Like you can really tell when someone doesn't have the training that Keanu or Tom Cruise has and they're doing all these action movies, it doesn't look real. When these people put the work in like that, it's believable. Because they've seen a movie where it's like no disrespect. It's like, I'm not going to lie to you.

The last 10 movies, Charles Bronson made him. no business doing. Yeah. It's like De Niro now. The last 10 movies he's made, he has no business doing because you grudge match was on the N. TBS late now. And I turned it on and it was Kevin Hart.

My scenes were already done, you know, and it was weird that it just didn't look right. I wasn't thinking about it at the time. I thought it would be number one in the box office. Right. But while it was on. I go, who would go watch this fucking movie? Do you know what I'm saying? It's weird how many elements have to come together to make it look right, to make it feel right.

I'm a Charles Bronson fan from the end, and I'll never forget walking out of Death Wish 4. Right. Like going like it's old, like walking out after eight minutes, like going, it's over. Watching him chase a 20-year-old kid in the streets in New York. Charles Bronson stopped. Yeah. Stop. You could see him running and the kid running.

like a 24-year-old kid running and Charles running the way I would run and all of a sudden he's dragging up off the fence and I'm like I can't watch this this is unbelievable Stephen Seagall you ever see him run and above the law?

Yeah It's horrible. Yeah, I had no running training You know How much does it hurt your feelings when you have to walk out of a movie? I've only done it a few times But I take it serious

I don't want to do that. It hurts my feelings a lot In more ways than one, especially when you're so... Looking forward to it. And they blow the movie. Sometimes I'll stay, you know, but I see the part where they blew the movie. Like, you just go look and they had something, but they acted like fucking idiots. I'm excited to see how the Irish kill the Irishman or the Irishman Scorsese's one for Netflix turns out.

Because what I read about it would sound that interesting is that these guys are older, but it's about this guy looking back on his life. So that'll be interesting to see how they play it. You know, if you notice after the Sopranos, they have mob elements, but not, they don't even break them down no more because there's nowhere to go with them. Yeah. Like John Wick, who's looking for John Wick? The mob, but they don't say nothing. They call it something different to New World Order. Yeah, whatever it is.

God, that movie's so good. Yeah, you can't sell the Mofy no more. The Soprano's just fucked it up. Such a good show. And try to watch the Sopranos now. I tried about a week ago, I had to turn it off. Why? It made me sad, and like, I haven't already seen each episode 10 times.

Gotcha. HBO puts them on now from time to time. Aren't they going to be doing a movie or something? A prequel that just got announced? Yeah, they just agreed to a prequel or something like that. But who knows what they're going to do. You know, those movies, man, listen, you got to remember one thing. And I'm not knocking anybody.

You know this. As you get older, we all get a little lack of daysical. Scorsese, he's not the Sarskees. He used to be. Spielberg is not the Spielberg. He used to be. Yeah. You know, a lot of those directors, they lose it.

And I don't know who's the new guy to take over for those guys. Because I'll say this, I look back at the movies I grew up with. John Wick is great but it's rare that I see a movie and I go no that's great I mean Christa Lee is the nicest kid in the world and the honor in the main room talking and he said that he stayed home

to watch the movie that won the Academy Award and he couldn't believe how bad it was they're not they're bad I don't even I don't even interest I get them well from the screen actors guild I don't want to watch any of these things and I look at them and the only thing I want to watch

is I Tonya I just have I keep forgetting to put it in that's the only one that even interest me by any fucking anything. And most of the superhero movies I watch those, they're fun, I enjoy them, but they're not great. You know what I mean? No, they're not for me.

Like the outlawed Josie Wales, that's a great movie. I tried to watch fucking Wonder Woman on the plane. I heard so many great things about Wonder Woman. Right. I think after an hour I got a tap on it. But then again, the other day I was watching Armageddon.

Armageddon is a good movie, but there's a point. I walked out of him. I'm going to get it. Why? Really? What point did it get you? Once the Russians get involved in shit, there's no reason to be there no more.

That was one movie that they, it started off great for me, and I didn't want to watch the end. And then I watched the ending years later and I saw, I really would have fucking been pissed on. I miss you, baby. And, you know, this is Harrow Smith. Yeah, that was just too fucking much for Uncle Joey. Some shit's too much of me now. I'm like you. I see right through it.

I see right through it. That's why John Wick, I didn't see it in the theater. And people were just like, no, I think you'll like it. Ralphie Mae was the one who said, watch John Wick, nigga, you'll like it. So good. Cow, cow, cow, cow, I just saw John Wick. This shit was on. Okay, okay.

I'm watching, Ralphie. And I watched it, and he blew me the fuck away. But I'm also Keanu. I'm a point blank. Point break fan. It was on this week. So good. Him and Swayzee?

And the fucking dude before he got hit by the motorcycle. You know, the guy who played the gun died in the plane. Buddy Holly and the crickets, the guy that played. Oh, yeah. Point break is when he was still a fucking human being. Yep. Before he became all crazy.

He got hit in the head with the motorcycle. What's his name? What is that guy from? He was in Black Sheep. Duncan Trussell used to have him doing a voiceover audition for Chevy trucks. It's one of the funniest things I've ever heard because he's hitting on the woman in New York giving him instructions. And I just remember the one line. He goes, how would you like a backstage pass to my imagination?

Have you seen Duncan Trussle? No, I missed him the other night. I was upset. He was at the store. I wanted to go buy and give him a hug. He's making a comeback. I think not next week, but the week. after i'm gonna be on gary buce gary busy Gary busy Gary busy was still normal in that fucking

movie gianorese was young young he was a baby Patrick squazy was great the guys in the red hot chili pepper the singer was in that yeah the fights in the surfer fight scenes were fucking great I mean you know they're just but when you see those movies sometimes they like I love the show but they had horrible fight scenes with sons and Yeah. Just God awful fight scenes. God awful anything when it came to that stuff. Yep.

When, you know, when you put a lot of money into a movie, into a Hollywood blockbuster, that person has to look like they really... It takes a long fucking time to... Make it believable. Make it believable. You know? I think that that movie didn't do well

with the chick. Who's the, remember blonde bombshell, blonde? Ultimate blonde, something blonde. It didn't do.

Atomic blonde. Atomic blonde. It started off in the right direction, but she couldn't sell it. Some people can't sell it. Yeah. Keanu Reeves

really fucking sells it. It's great. Tom Cruise fucking sells it. Denzelan man on fire. Oh, it's one of my all-time favorite movies. It's really weird when somebody... I wish you had more time.

Uh, um, put on French connection, the bar room, uh, the bar room, whatever, I'll tell you. Let me go pee real quick because I'm an old man.

And I got to pee every 22 fucking minutes. So hold on. I, I have, I'll get it ready. But I mean, Steve, for,

for me, I, I miss going to the movie theater as much. Yeah. And they've just made it so expensive now. And the movies, the, gone down.

Yeah, but there's something good. I'll pay the money to go see it. But there's something about seeing, just the way that it's different seeing a special from seeing a comedian live. Yeah, you're right. There are certain movies that I only saw on TV, and then since we're lucky enough to live here, they have those cool movie places where they show old movies. And then you see it on the big screen, you're like, oh, this is how it's supposed to

be. With trailers and, like, that's part of the best part of going to a movie. Did you ever see Taxi Driver? With De Niro and his prime, Scorsese and his prime. When I saw that on the big screen, it was even more disturbing. When I saw Raging Bull on the big screen, it was a different movie. When I saw Animal House on the big screen, it was 10 times funnier. Like John Belushi, just moving his shoulders would make me laugh.

Absolutely. And then... The big screen's worth that. Even if you saw it the first time, like, not only in the theater, but you have to see it in the theater when it's busy or at least there's some people enjoying the movie with you. It's just like stand-up comedy. Yeah. Like if I go to the movies to see a comedy, that's the only time I go with other people. Because normally I go to the movies at 10 o'clock in the morning when it's just me and like one other old guy. And I'm like, you sit on that side of the theater. I'll sit on mine. But comedies you need an audience.

Or else I go, you know what? It was pretty good. You need an audience. And sometimes I like seeing it with people. But sometimes I'll go to a movie by myself. Ooh, you okay? I'll go all the time. I love going by my. myself because it, me too. I remember the last movie I won with a group of people. French connection cleaning up. See, yeah, cleaning up the bar. Popeye here. You know, when you saw this.

What was his background? Gene Hackney? Yeah. Fucking Savage. Yeah, because he's seen, it's all very believable. Popeye's here. Get your hands on your heads. Get off the bar and get on the wall.

Come on, move. Move. Come on, sweetheart. Come on, move on. Take the window. Move. Take the wall. Turn around her.

Turn around. Move. Move. Move. Come on, move! Hands out of your pocket. Turn around. Turn around, big man.

Come on, turn around. Get on the wall. Get on. Get on the wall. Get him up. Turn around. Hey, you can drop that. Hold his hands up.

Come on. Come on, move. What are you looking at? He's an old-school movie. All right, bring it here. Get your hands out of your pockets. What's my name? Doyle.

What? Mr. Doyle. Come here. You pick your feet. Get over that. Get your hands on your head. Hold up. We told you people were coming back.

We're going to keep coming back here. And tell you clean this bar up. Keep your eye on your neighbor. He dropped something that belongs to you. What is this? A fucking hospital here? Huh? Turn around there, fella.

What we got here, huh? This belong to you? Huh? Stand up there, naughty. I saw everybody was doing heroin in New York. Look at that. On your fucking head. Get in there.

Want to leave it at the bar? Oh, bullshit. You would hide it. under the bar. So if the cops came in it's not in your pocket. Hey, hey, thank you. We're going to ask questions later. This one with pills with big barbiturates. They talk about the opioids now. Look at weed came in an envelope.

We're that guy nodding on the fucking cigarette machine. This is classic shit. Anybody on a milkshake? All right, come over here. You and you. Hey, whiskers. That's what I call you. It was the any disrespect.

See that guy falling in the subway? That was the commercial for it. The trailer? The trailer. You remember the trailer? Fuck yeah. I was a kid in New York City and it said, filmed in New York, where it happened.

Your dick got hard. Your dick got hard. That's so cool. I'm like, what are you fucking kidding? I'm living on 88th Street. I think he got shot up in Brooklyn, the Bronx or whatever. But these are movies that the characters are very believable. They did the work, you know?

Yeah. We had the guy that did the movie, colors. Okay. Police and I had the guy that was based off, and Sean Penn just lived with the guy for six weeks. Wow.

He did his work, you know? For another three weeks, he went to a police academy and learned the rules. When was the last time Sean Penn was in something? He's a great actor. He just did a movie a couple of years. Maybe a two,

they tried to make him a leading, like, tough guy and something. I don't know if the movie was good or not, but when you do those roles, you really got to dive yourself into those things. Like when Joey Gallo got shot, what's his name was there? The guy from Law & Order, Jerry Orbach was there

because Jerry Orbach was studying a role to do Joey Gallo. No other gangster would ever go, but Joey Gallo was so fucking crazy at the time and so full of himself that he let Jerry Orbach fucking hang out with him to learn all about mafia code and the behavior and the slang and the patois and shit like that. Well, they're not writing stories anymore.

Like, what's the new one? Like, the heist one that's coming out? Snow heist or truck heist or... They're just right. They just have themes and the story's not that important. Yeah, they're making movies off of video games. I saw rampages coming out. I'm like...

You know... Good stories, good characters. The movies were... I grew up on movies. I grew up on movies. I know the excitement that it brought to me. Yep. When I walked into a movie theater and you smelled the popcorn. That's the greatest. And now you walk in and the first reaction is I'm about to get ripped off.

Yes. I'm about to pay $3.85 for a box of fucking muckballs. I could get four boxes for $2 at 7-Eleven. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's an expensive night. If you take a girl to like what's the movie theater in Hollywood? The Lemley or the fucking other one?

Arclight is what I think we're doing. The Arklight, my gosh. Take the Arklight for example. And don't get me wrong. Fucking Arclight is great. It's worth it. If you want to be a white person, the archelaide's the way to go. They even tell you where you're seating.

Yeah, I know. When you get there, they'll tell you what, Ro, who, what you're sitting next to. Get a beer, you get a glass of wine. They got the one in Hollywood's got a chicken sausage sandwich, on Italian bread with sausage and peppers. Jesus Christ. I went to a movie there one time.

Way before the podcast world even got popular. Yeah. I did a movie podcast. And part of the podcast is you had to go see a movie and talk about it. Okay. So I took my wife to a movie. I went there with a $100 bill. I didn't think about it.

Like, I had $100 bill. I got a home, I had like $18 left. I didn't think about it until the next day. Like, we went to the arc light and spent $80 fucking. We walked because we lived three blocks away in Hollywood. We didn't have a paper parking. It was fucking $80 between. And that's probably what, 10 years ago?

Yeah, this had to be nine years ago. We were still living in the valley. So we were still living in Hollywood. It's got to be 2009. 2009, 2008. We had just gotten... It's probably 100 now.

It's like 20-something. The fucking popcorn is five or six. It's way above that now, yeah. Is it really? Yeah, they fucking hit you there. That combo package is 1895. Yeah, for a point. Popcorn and a drink and a box of candy.

You don't even save any money with those. It's a big thing to scam. No, no, no, no, no. You know, and you know, that's what the Lemley is, that you're going to sit next to nice white people. Nobody's going to yell. Nobody's going to smoke pot. And I've smoked dope in there.

I went in there with everyone saying, one time to watch the Clint Eastwood movie. How about the fucking Asians and shit? Oh, me him and Rick Ramles, and we sparked to join up at the fucking. We sparked a join up in there. In the theater? Yeah, we had that place crazy.

Oh, my God. Talk, in the old days, you didn't go to a movie theater without smelling weed. Yeah, but not in the theater. Can you? Oh, in the theater. Oh, Jesus, right as the movie started, you were popping a fucking joke. I'm just imagining 16-year-old me. Excuse me, sir.

Can you please put that out? No, you wouldn't even have the audacity. You would smell it and look straight. You don't know nothing. You don't know nothing, and you don't need to know nothing. Let me give some shout-outs real quick. These were the shout-outs I gave yesterday. today, but since we're not putting out the podcast, I just read them for today.

My brother Nathan from Stakem's sent us some T-shirts. He sent them some boxes. He sent us a picture. I want to give him a big, big shout out. I didn't know how to fucking say your last name, Nathan, so fucking no last names. The Cronin brothers, you bad motherfuckers, Ben Riley, Alan Sterk, Michael Grimel, Kevin Glenn, Cole Shaw, Eric Doe, Drought. and the rest of the motherfucking church family.

I love you, cocksuckers. And don't forget, I'll be at the Santa Fe Casino the first week of April, the 5th and the 6th of April, and then I'll be fucking somewhere. I don't fucking... Oh, Columbus for 420, bitches. Bring your fucking refa.

We're going to jail like Jim Morrison. Did the new season of this is not happening come out? Yeah, it started. Yep. They gave it a really shitty time. Yeah, it's late at night, like on Fridays or something, right? Yeah, yeah. It's a shame there's some good stories this year.

Byron Bowers killed it this year. I really enjoyed his story. My story was so fucking shitty. You took me on a ride with that story, though. It was so fucking shitty, yeah, for some people who knew me, but just I didn't know what I was to say and I wanted to get it off my chest kind of story, you know? It was one of those things. I just wanted to get it off my chest.

That still haunts me to tell that I got left back. like that's still and for the reason I got left back I didn't get left back if I got left back because I'm stupid right I can live with that

I got left back because I fell in love with some fucking chicks little skinny pussy that never I was like Leash she never even gave it to me I never even saw it

and I was walking around like fucking Johnny Goobatz how old are you again 12 12 but I was 12 but I was 12 least there are 29 walking around cuddling and shit

you can make him believe like that's what people do that want to cuddle Some people like cuddling Not you Not when you're paying rent There's no cuddling You're saying

When you're paying rent You gotta show a chow chow. You think Harvey let you stay over And fucking cullough That's my favorite bit in comedy right now Your Harvey bit is the funniest thing You think Harvey would let you stay over I'm not really modeling my life after Harvey

But what do you think You think Harvey would let you stay over on this couch for free and your feet on the chair and fucking cuddle What are you fucking crazy? That's true, he probably wouldn't Yeah, there's robe on Yeah, all of the advice you gave me

For years, it sounded a lot like the advice Were you giving Harvey advice too? Fucked up That's fucked up, though The other day I was taking a shower And I'm like, who would want somebody To watch you take a shower? How fucking crazy at that?

Where is your head? Like, hold on one second, let me take a shower You don't want me to take a shower? That's... As soon as somebody would say that to me, I'm out of there. You know what? No, and you're a fucking retard. I was thinking about it.

I'm washing my hair. What would somebody think of watching what fat fuck with soap running down his asshole do for you? What is wrong with these fucking people? I think they think it's going to lead to something else. Yeah, it's like they don't. Yeah, I don't know. So what's going on? I know you're a man of many scripts.

What's going on? You sell any of these fucking scripts? You're a cuck sucker. You're worst to Nick the tour. I just call them Nick. I think he's his new name. Every week you get a new pilot. He's got more pilots than American Airlines.

That's hysterical. Nicky pilots. Every week you got a new pilot. Yesterday, I had to tell him. You're the Nikki Pilots. Well, that's the great thing about stand-up. That's why I love it, because you don't need anybody else's permission. You get out there and you get the immediate response.

You don't need to wait for this person or let somebody else read this or no. You just go do it. And it's made me appreciate, look, I love writing. I love coming up with ideas. I love all that stuff. But the only thing it's really done for me, it's made me appreciate stand-up comedy more, where I go, okay. Well, the writing takes a discipline.

Like, I've been so busy with these show writers the last couple weeks. I haven't even written a fucking sentence in the book. Yeah. I charged a computer up last night because today I thought my change, my day was going to be different, but it ended up being completely different in what I anticipated. But I'm going to get back to just finish this fucking chapter and then decide which way I'm going to go with this.

what I'm missing was the discipline I had then to write it takes a certain discipline you know it takes it has to fit into a niche yes like from now on at this time I'll do this to this I'll do this to this you know and that's how it fits I got to find the time to really fit it in every day at that specific time like Netflix is holding me up in so many fucking levels it's pathetic I want to plan a tour I want to do a bunch of things

because I know that once Netflix gives me a date I go all out I hire a bunch of writers and I fucking go all out every night for 30 minutes and then once that special shot

you won't see Uncle Joey until that special comes up that weekend is when you'll see me again there's no reason to go on with no material once you burned it on fucking TV there's no reason to keep showing it to people who had just seen it on Netflix.

There's nothing worse than me seeing you on Netflix and then you show up with the same hour. Nothing happened. Nothing was accumulated. I wasted 30 fucking dollars. I want to see 30 more minutes. Yeah, I like that bit from there. I wish he does that.

But that's it. Yes. I don't want them. And it'll be different. You'll have added stuff to it. That destroyed me this shit last time. I shot a special. I was going out there for six months,

fluntering. Doing old bids, trying to steal from this, but here. Yes. I don't like that feeling. I want you to see a full. That's why I don't go to every town, every eight fucking months. I least do not agents want you to do.

Right. 16 months. I know in 16 months, I'll have a new 40. Yeah. I might have an old closer. I might have something in the middle you heard before, but I know. It's a new show. It's a new show.

I'll be different. You'll be different. We'll all be different. But I can't do this shit that they want you to do. Now, that's not the way it used to be done. When I first got here, your year broke up. You taped eight episodes of a 17th episode season. Those eight episodes, you didn't go anywhere.

You went to the store on Friday and Saturday, and you worked on your new material. Yeah. And then you shot your special, and then you fucking went on the road to support the special. These sad animals have you out all fucking, if it's up to them, three weeks a month. You know what?

And then I can't write. I can't see my family. I have to have a complete balance. Yeah, that's the difficult thing. It's like not just finding the balance with everything else you want to do with your time and your life, but just the balance to stand up. Because now I got to be honest, I feel pressure at the comedy store where like I started working new bits, but I'm doing the early shows on Fridays and Saturdays.

I'm very grateful for the stage time. But I want to do well every time I'm up there or else I'm not going to get a spot. I'm not famous. So I need to start finding little other places. around town and start working stuff out. Because then I go out on the road and I want to give the people that the 20% of the people that are going to come out

and see me, I want to give them something they've never heard before, something they've never seen before. I know what it's like to open up for a comic. Two times in a row in a town and he has the same fucking set. And me as a feature, I'm going, oh, to the verbatim, I can't do that. You've got to switch it around.

Yes. You've got to give him a different angle of your life. and what you're seeing and what's going on now and that's why I didn't like that whole thing that's why I'm doing what I'm doing now I'm pretty much smart two shows and I act you know there's 20 30 new minutes of materials since you went back to see me last time and then I move on now I'm not be I won't be back on East Coast till November in New York that's a complete different 30 minutes yeah I might do 50 20 you might hear it's still funny I sell it gotcha but I want you to see me in

different perspective you know These fucking people want you to know. No. I'm just waiting on Netflix because those six weeks that... Leading up to it. Leading up to the special getting released, I go on a writing spree. It's like getting ready for a fight.

Just a book. Just a book. And then at night going out with Lee and young guys. I get this fucking special. It's not like I go to the store once a week. I'm with Rizzo, Johnny Rock, and I pay them. Get rooms every night. New rooms.

Let's go try a new material. Get the Agostino with a fucking tape recorder. in league let's go and between everybody everybody comes up with a tag and next thing you know you got 15 minutes yeah and my own 15 minutes and a little fucking tie in and you got yourself a tremendous Netflix

half hour special that's how you do it that's great we're gonna do an embedded series so six weeks prior to the thing being released there's footage every fucking Monday of us going to different places me going to acupuncture me going to bafangool you know the whole

fucking deal. We're going through excitement. Man, without a plan, is not a man, dog. And at every level, you have to have a plan. It's so weird. This is very inspiring. I needed this podcast. This is the part two, when Rogan at David Gagons, the Navy C-O-on there. That got me, like,

to do jitsu, taking cold showers, starting to run. Yeah, you got to... But now I'm going, all right, Uncle Joe, you're motivating me the same way where I'm going, what do I really want? How do I put together a game plan for it? I hear into these emails every week. I hand to these emails and

it's really crazy how you know Joey we like the podcast Joey we don't like the podcast Joey why must you do this Joey why must you do that

but every eight emails I get the guy that wants to be a star and it really bothers me the way they talk to me every for every eight emails that I get whether it's on the Facebook Messenger or whatever one of those emails is a guy that's involved in a get quick writ scheme.

It never works. And they don't understand that I used to have that mentality for everything. That was my whole fucking life. Was hitting the fucking jackpot. But that never really happens. You know what I'm saying? You might get people some of the time, but eventually you're going to get fucking caught. Yeah.

You want to earn your black belt. You don't want the Elvis Black, though. God forbid, you think you're better than you are. Yeah. God forbid. And it's so weird how I get these calls from, you know, these emails from these kids. And they think it's just like that. And I know I look at their shit.

I investigate a little bit. I know what they're doing. It's no big giant sting to me. If they came direct to me, I would help them out. But since they come at me in a different way, and there was one kid that was fucking relieved. relentless for a while. Oh, he was a man of a thousand stories.

Okay. He wanted Lee's job. He wanted to produce movies. He wanted an idea. I mean, it was hysterical because... Did he even live in L.A.? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He did not live in L.A.

He got an animated series. Yeah. He was the man that had 20 ideas. But meanwhile, I mean, it was getting to the point where I knew he was going to ask me if he could even live with me. Wow. Like, it was one of those fucking morons, like, that they really think

and from time to time, yeah, I like bringing musicians on here. And I like bringing rappers on here and a celebrity from time to time, whatever you assume a celebrity the fuck is. But from time to time, I just like bringing

my friends out here. Yeah. And letting us know what we're going through. So people at home know that, listen, We bleed when we cut, too. Yeah. There's no fucking secrets here. There's no, there's no quick, quick, get rich scheme here.

This is 27 fucking years I've been doing this. Yep. And for 20 of those years, I've seen so many people fucking come and go. That had way more to offer than I did. I wouldn't say that. Yes, they did. Yes, they did. They were good looking.

They could act. They just quit. They just gave up one day. The secret to everything's persistence. Before the fucking dream happened, they just gave up. Like, we're giving up. This is too much. You have to be gay to live in L.A.

They gave themselves that excuse. Right. That stupid fucking excuse. All fear. And just... Can't handle it. No, it just fucks me up. You know, like it just...

They don't understand that I saw all these guys. as before. Like I love every show I go to. There's always three creepy promoters now. Hey man, I got the show and, um, my salely, I'm not interested. First of all, I'm here to fucking do a show. It's eight o'clock.

It's comedy time. Why are you even talking business? That's your first fucking sign of amateurish. Yeah. If you really had a show and, you know, and then you hit me with a number that you're making as much money as I'm making, that's never going to happen either.

Yep. That's never going to happen. You might as well call Bongo Jones because that's not happened with me. I'm getting most of that register. You understand me? I'm taking that register. Yeah. You know why?

Because when you're fucking dreaming of doing what I'm doing, I'm doing it. I'm on Twitter tweeting fucking stand up, grab your dick. Yeah. I'm telling you where I'm going to be three weeks from now. I'm talking to Lee about what guests to schedule when and how. This is 10, 15 hours a week of just doing this. Never mind fucking stand up and writing and perform. and who's late, who bumps you, you know.

So much more. They have no fucking idea. Yeah. You know, Lee's having a great time. And like I told Lee, I go, I don't have a fortune. I don't have a fucking crystal ball. I just know that you getting on stage is going to open up your eyes to find what you truly love. So true.

That's all I could tell you. That's the only fucking guarantee I could say that. That's you that. You might 20 years from now be the biggest filmmaker in Hollywood. and it's because you got on stage. That's what, and you'll go to me, yeah, but somebody will go, yeah, you know, he's a fucking asshole. Lee used to be a stand-up comment.

It doesn't matter. He got up off the couch and he did something. That's the thing. Getting out of your comfort zone is what you started the podcast with, do that first step. He went to Africa and ended up in Israel. You know what I'm saying? You didn't even get up. You just wanted a bitch.

You wanted somebody to give you the slow ride on a fucking short ship. Yep. But meanwhile, you by your... you, the universe knows when you try. There's something about the universe that really, really knows when you're trying. And unless you lived it, you'll never know that. You'll never know what it's likely to need $400 to make you $1,000 rent. And Steve calls you and says he has a $500 gig for you this weekend.

And you get off the phone, and you hang up the phone and you just go and you go, how did that happen? And you know why that happened? Because two weeks ago on a Sunday night, you had the beginnings of the flu,

but Joey Diaz was doing a show on a Sunday at 10 o'clock. And you went down there and ate a bag of dicks. He put you a blast to fuck with your emotions. And you went up there in front of 80 Yahoo's and ain't a bag of dicks. And then you went home. and nothing happened.

That's why you got that $400. It's not because you sat at home that night. So every time you go to the Fourth Wall, every time you go to Valley College, every time you go to that place, I want you to do it like this and imagine every time card. And just go like this

because I want you to know that eventually that check's going to come in the mail. And on the second half, I don't want you to look at that check and go, Why is this check $10,000? Because you did this a lot. Yeah.

You did this so much overtime that you gave up. You gave up on even getting paid. You ever give up on getting paid? Always. Like you just give up. And what I'm doing is the motion of putting your time. Looking at the wall. Everybody in this father listens to this podcast goes to work every day,

and they look on a wall and you take that fucking card and you push it in. It's the same thing. Comedy store used to have one of those for all the employees before they have the computer system. Everybody does, you know. So whether you get on stage, whether you go help somebody move, whether you go hold a camera for somebody for one day or hold a cord, all that comes back to you. So that day when you do get that $10,000 check, you don't think you're fucking crazy. Yep. And it's, you know you earned it.

You know you earned it. You know you earned it. You know you fucking earned it. Yeah, there's no shortcuts to anything. And you're becoming a better person along the way. Oh, my God. The journey is... It's everything.

Such a fucking... You know, the other day I was sitting there going, how come I didn't end up a rapist? You ever think about that? Like, you're sitting there going, how come everybody rapes people? And they enjoy it and they put that... Every fucking night I turn the news on.

And they're looking for a rapist. Every fucking night. You know this guy, he's a rapist. When you get to be 55, you start thinking about why did I become amazing? and why didn't I become an artist? Why didn't I fucking join the server? You start getting stupid shit like that when you smoke pot.

And I'm watching the news and I said to myself, how come I never enjoyed raping people? Like fucking falling out of a tree and just stick them, smacking you and ripping your pants off and choking you and sticking my head. That is the most vile thing you could do to an individual. And I thought about the first time I ever saw rape was Charles Bronson, Death Wish.

That is the most hard. horrible rape scene that you'll get to see as a young man that I shouldn't even have belonged to that movie theater they should have stopped me and said you know there's a rape scene in this but I went in there anyway it's a horrible fucking rape scene and then the second time was maybe the outlawed Josie Wells and you and I found out about my mother and you know you just think of shit like this why don't I become a rapist you know why don't I become a love easy junior but uh just weird where life takes you and the journey of it is so fucking important.

I didn't make any mistakes in any of those places I went to early on. Even when I bombed at the half time of the Buffalo Sabre game that time, it came, I got paid for that. Yeah. You get paid for all those stupid fucking gigs that you did. When somebody calls you and says, hey, come to the, you know how many free shows I did in Hollywood? How many free shows do you do? Hollywood. Constant.

Free. Just free. Like, free. Like, you pay $8 to park. Yes. You actually pay the park. Yeah. And your gas.

And your gas. To go help Steve Simone, who's got a room at the Viper room. And then sometimes you show up and they won't even give you a free Diet Coke. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. Wait, now I have to pay $6 for this after I pay 10 the park to go perform for free for people that don't even want to be there for comedy. Lisa, you don't know how many times I miss like, like I got like a, uh, uh,

Like somebody says, they'll pay you your 50 bucks, but you go into them and you get sodas and like a sandwich, and they hit you with a $22 tab, and you're like, I've seen. They didn't even pick up the tab for the fucking cheese sandwich and shit. It's so, but if you really put the work in, you know, and I tell people all the time, it's Mac Jagger said it best.

You can't get what you want, but you get what you need. If you come to me and you go, well, you know, I can't make living all the time. What's your rent? My rent is $1,300. I can't live below those standards. And what's your car payment? You know me?

I have a Maserati. You're not going to work. It's really weird. We talked about a couple weeks of hours. You have to strip yourself down. To nothing. And then you get like a little number on there. Like you figure out a way how to Steve.

You figure out a way how to finagle Steve someone into renting you his couch. two weeks a month when you're in town. Yeah. You pay fucking 100 a week on the couch and you're like, that's, but you're only making 1,200 a month. So it's your car payment. You're not taking everything. You're driving everywhere.

Like you're basically breaking even on the road. If you were on the road, your first year into triple runs, you would make $9,000. Oh. That's what you would make. That's crazy. 9,000 fucking babo-chis. Do you ever look back and go,

how did I survive all this? Like I look back on some of those years, I'm going, I don't know how I did it. You got to remember that. When I got into it, I had nothing else. Right. When you have nothing else, when you double check everything,

when you double check your catalog, and you go, listen, there is nothing else I can honestly tell you that I can realistically do. Yeah. Like, what can I do? Okay, if I go to Wendy's to become a share, I still got to wash dishes for six months before they make me a shit.

Like everything I'm going to have to do, I'm going to have to pay my dues in the weirdest fucking way. Yes. And I'm going to be a slave to what I do. But if I'm going to do it, I'm going to do stand up. And that means sleeping in my car, taking weird showers with weird people. You know, it just, I knew right away. Like it took me. I thought stand up was just.

weird thing from out of space. It wasn't a weird thing from outer space. It's, you got to roll up your sleeve times. It's not this really weird picture. I'm sure if Lee Sticks would stand up in a year or two, he'll go,

I'm moving back to Boston. My friend said, hey, there's tons of room up the thing. I could stay with my mom. I can pay no rent. I can pay my car payment, my student loans of pain. I can do comedy in Boston for two years. Nobody will see me.

Yeah. That's what comes to your mind one day. You're like, fuck this. Fuck you. I'm stripping down the $6.50 a month, Jack. So all I need to make is $6.50 a month. Yeah. And pretty soon you make $400 a month.

And then eight months later, you do make $6.50 a month. And then you start making $900 a month. And then that comes a time where you make $1,000 a month. And you're like, oh, I'm rich. I'm fucking rich, Jack. This is like fucking stealing. Yes. It's exciting.

Like I looked at my check from yesterday. And it wasn't a lot. It's not a lot of money to anybody else. But to me, I looked at it and I remembered I would have had to work a hundred hours telemarking, a hundred hours at the gym, a hundred hours at the pizza place, a hundred hours at the comedy store. They get what I paid yet. Got paid yesterday in half an hour. But you put the work. That's what it was.

That's exactly what I was thinking yesterday. went, this is 18 years of hard work of not giving up. Take away all the work just mentally not tapping out, just saying, I'm done. Just not giving up. That's what it was. You know, the expectations that America has now and everywhere, we've lost that, you know, a union is four years, you know, all these things, we've lost them. everybody wants everything instantly you know i talked to lee and i have had thousands of conversations about college and how he went and it seemed like you know he'll tell you he would have had the

same career with or without emison right now yep you could learn to add it online you can learn through apple editing and all this is i mean there's different programs for what tv shows and stuff like that but it breaks my heart that lee pays school loan Because, you know, it just... I still have them. I'm in my 40s and I still have school loans. You still pay them? Yeah.

What do you pay a month? Well, because I'm poor. They adjust it for income, but it's still 100 and something a month every month. What do you got left? Oh, you don't even want to know. I'll have a heart attack. They're going to charge off before I could pay them off. Because there were years when I was out here, when I was the Fat James years, I didn't have a car.

I was working every day. So you deferred them. I deferred them, man. They just, yeah, just keeps the interest and everything keeps on. Oh, yeah,

it's just a fucking night, man. Yeah, because they would have been as much as my rent in those years. I got it. And I was barely paying my rent.

I just got, they found me after 20 years and hit me with a bill. And I got my attorney and said, this is what we're going to give you, if not go fuck yourself. And they took it.

It wasn't, they didn't lose money on it. We just didn't pay a lot of vague. We didn't pay all the fake. They wanted. But they, they vig me. They vig me heavy.

They did okay. Yeah. Like right now I'm paying like three times when I'm supposed to pay two and a half times just to try to get it off instead of 15 to pay it off in 10. Yeah, it's a hard thing to have over you. And I don't think people understand what it's like to start your life in the minus. That's a bad feeling. It's a fucking bad feeling. So you have to put away money to go to school or work for a year to really like keep yourself going.

It's just it's rough out there. you know, I have a dear friend that called a couple weeks and I was like, you're thinking moving in California. I said, listen, before you move on here, I just want you to know that they're building the whole foods around the corner. Yeah. Which means in a year, Lee's going to come to me and go, I'm moving out of Studio City because I can't afford it.

Oh, I want to move right now, but I can't because can't leave. It's too expensive just to move in the area. Just move, just to be in the same area. I don't know. I think the rents have done here and just. the last four years. They've doubled in four years. I said, I want you to know that won't see you. You'll live in Woodland Hills

where it gets 118 degrees in the summer. That's where you have to live right now. I've thought about because it's $2,000 for one bedroom here. Yeah. Oh, that's crazy. Yeah. No, he's in the studio. You got to be in the studio and bite the bullet and get an extra. There's no, this is all going to, and they're not, they're buying houses to knock them down and fucking build a part. Who's on?

I don't know who can afford it. Because they know it. They know that this area is about the boom. Once they put the whole foods in. Yeah, they do. Night night. Night night. They got the train station.

They're building around the train station. All of Burbank, after the holiday inn, they're about to get fucking served. And no wonder my landlord doesn't want to fix anything. They're like, we'd love you to move out. We would love you to move out. Because right now I'm paying 14. So like, oh, we would love to bill change. 18, 99.

Yeah, they want you to move out now. No, you might as well stay. you're not going to get a better deal unless you move paper thin walls yeah especially if you move all the way out to the

head of hell what the fuck is that going to do for you right we're very fortunate we're very fortunate we're very fortunate we're very fortunate that we're in this area

and that there's no fucking drama yeah and whatnot you're going on the road soon my brother yeah I'm doing the Jeff Just for Lafts tour through Canada like April 3rd

it's me tone bell and I think this girl Sarah Schaefer seemed nice. I met her once at the Ice House. So it's a bunch of comics I've never really worked with before. So I'm looking, and it's towns in Canada I've never been to. And you're doing it. You're going to Denver too.

Yeah, and then I'm going to be at Denver for Mother's Day weekend. And as you were saying, like, changing up your act, I'm like, well, I got to do some of my mom's stuff for Mother's Day weekend. I love Denver. You're still one of my favorite people in Los Angeles. I love you, Joey. It's always nice just to, listen, man, like I said, it's really great to get people in here, different people. But it's also nice just to get my friends in here from time to time. And we could just talk about what's going on.

You know, I thought that it was a little heavy with the L. fucking son of Jesus the other day. So I wanted just to give us a little breathing. And after yesterday's podcast with the fucking we both, I got sorry. Again, my apologies to Wheeler Walker and my apologies to Lee. we got really fucking high yesterday. Like I said, I've been with you guys for six years. We had a fucking really bad THC accent yesterday. Either those people doubling up their edibles

or our system fucking broke down. Either we got to work harder or they got to be on it or they're really on their toes. You call me at 5.30 in the morning smoking bonghins. You're lucky because it was just one of those things. But anyway, I want to thank you. I'm going to be at the Santa Fe, the casino down at Albuquerque on 4th, April 5th and 6th.

And I'm also going to be at the Columbus Funny Bone with Kate Quigley for four motherfucking 20. But before I go, I got to talk to you people about something. Okay? Listen, are you hiring right now? I know a lot of you own your own business, but are you hiring? Posting a position to a job site and waiting and waiting for the right people to see. that never works, all right? ZipRecruiter knew there was a smarter way,

so they built a platform that finds the right job candidates for you. ZipRecruiter learns that what you're looking for identifies people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job. These invitations have revolutionized how you find your next hire. In fact, 80% of employers who post a job on ZipRecruiter can a quality candidate through the site

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That's all you need to do, and they're going to sign you up for free. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash church. ZipRecruiter is the smart way to hire. You understand me? Number two, I want to thank On it for being asked this day one, sending me goodies every month. They send me Shroom Tech. I get kettle bells, I get club bells, I get the protein when they have it.

And you know what, man, I feel better overall. My performance is better. My shoulders are strong. Everything's been working out. I can't get you a deal on the kettle bells or the club bells, but as far as fucking supplements are concerned, I get your 10% off the liver right to your house. Go to honor.com and look at the great selection of supplements that they have. The jerky, I mean, it just never ends with them.

Aubrey will be on in about two weeks and he'll tell you where they're going. Go to under.com and press in. Church, get 10% off delivered right to your motherfucking house. I want to thank my brother, Steve Simone, and go see him on the Just for Last

tour of Canada. I want to thank the Christkiller Lisa Ayat. I want to thank that fart that just came out of my ass, but most importantly, I want to thank new people for the love and the support that you give this, and we'll see you. you guys Monday morning with

T.J. English, the author of the corporation. Have a great weekend. Be careful. Stay black. And Uncle Joey loves you. Thank you, John. Thank you. I got to work harder. This is very inspiring.