The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #572 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: April 2, 2018

Kate Quigley, Comedian, actress, and host of the "#DateFails: Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Hims - Go to ForHims.com/joey for a trial month of everything you need to keep your hair - for just $5 while supplies last.   Vincero Watches - Dont just get a watch, elevate your game and get  a Vincero Watch. Get yours at getthewatch.net and our listeners get 15% off when they use promo code CHURCH. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 04/01/18.

The meat's different. The clip meat. The clip meat. And the flap meat is completely different. I could do more like I'll suck that flat meat and finger-banging with three fingers. Tremendous. No, no, Kate. I can tell that.

I can tell that from masturbating. You can feel it. Sure. Of course. I'm a connoisseur of my own pussy. Greetings from Podcastville. The church of what's happened now is brought to you by hymns. Listen.

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You understand me? You gotta hustle. You gotta get in front of the fucking count. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's April motherfuckers. I've probably on tequila. Yo, yo, yo, check it out. Gate, Jake. Yo. What, I can't, that's for later. Is that Zana?

What is that? No, that's fucking vitamin pill. You're fucking, it's all everybody. I thought maybe it was like a Viagra. I'm sorry. What am I going to be a Viagra for? You got the clit of death. I think he's bigger than least dick.

You know what I'm saying? Here we go. What? Oh, shit. I'm more of a valium girl. Listen, it don't matter. It don't matter. It just takes the fucking thing.

Now? You're not. Stop from now. No, three years from now. A false suit. Here we go. Elyssette, the Christ killer. My little sister, Kay Quigley.

Yeah. And your uncle Joey Diaz on a Monday morning. Who's better than you? My little sister. Who, I showed my ball. I showed my ball to my family. I love this. What you think you're dealing with?

It's Easter. It's Easter week. Jesus is back, motherfuckers. Oh, night. Jesus is back. Oh, night. This is the best. best Easter ever.

For real. Oh shit. What the fuck. Oh my God. We came out the box time strong. Now listen, we're sitting here and we're talking. And listen, until about an hour's 34, the game changer

would be when I'd take my nuts sack out of the packets. People would die. It would be hysterical. It was hysterical. Joey showed me his balls for Easter. That was my Easter gift. I walked in here and were- Those are the eggs of life. waiting for you that sounds bored no they weren't waiting like out when i got here you looked at them you should have seen the look on your face was fucking price i didn't think you really pull them out yeah i don't

fuck around if you guys weren't watching the the pre-church periscope joey's like i'm gonna take my balls out and i was like no you're not he's like i'm gonna do it and i totally thought he was joking and then he fucking pulled out you have the weirdest hugest hugest balls and they're huge you gotta see if i stand up and i dip them into your mouth oh my god t-baggy oh my god stop oh my god I'll scrub my ass real good and I'll tee bag you. They wouldn't even fit in my mouth. Yes, they would. One of the time.

I think you put them on my Instagram. I'm going to get watch. I'm going to get so. I was Instagram live in. I used to be my favorite thing. It was teabagging and then reaching over and three finger louie you with a pinky in your asshole. Who could fit your balls in their mouth? They're seriously.

They're the most enormous balls. And be two feet away from you. No. Like I could be two feet away from you. And you got my balls from here to there. It's like a piece of bubble gum that you stepped on. Oh my God. No, they really are. And they've been like that since I was a kid.

Holy shit. Shut up. When you were really little, did you have massive balls? Massive balls. They're not balls. They're flat. My dick shrunk over the years because I was laying back. No, even when you stood up, they're like pancakes.

And I got a beauty mark. No, you don't. I don't believe it. I didn't see that. No, I don't want to see. I trust you. It's a beautiful beauty mark. Oh, my God.

I'm dead. Sometimes when I'm at home naked at night, there's nobody home. Jesus Christ. Sometimes I pull my. to the side and I just take that skin and I rub it and I put cream on it to maintain them. I'm taking care of my nuts acts over the years. That's just called masturbating. No, it's not.

Isn't that just a version of masturbating? Man, I got problems with that area because I can't. You have ball problems? Not ball problems. I have rash problems. I have heat. I can't be around heat. Of course not.

When I work out and stuff like that, the moisture, like I have to go right from the gym wash ever since I've been a kid. Of course, because your balls are the longest. And I get a rash under my armpits. I can't have moisture under my armpits. Okay, I don't know about my legs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm a fat fuck part of it.

So I always take care of that area. When I come out of the shower, I dry it off. I put cream on it. You know, you get... I like that. You have to take your nuts. You're like a lady. You move your nuts sacks around to give it some blood and oxygen.

If I go, like right now I'm going to a new acupuncturist. Lee's face, he looks horrible. See, because you take your youth for granted. When you get to be old, you have to start doing different things. I agree with that, but also... I'm not trying to be funny. I tell you that I put cream on my legs. I believe you.

I got horrible fucking feet. I got a fungi toenail. Oh, Jesus Christ. I don't know how to fuck I can, but I'll keep my socks on. What sort of lotion do you... Is there a special ball lotion? Yeah, what kind of lotion gold bond? What do you put on?

That's not lotion that's powder, right? No. What do you use on your balls, Joey? Some cream my wife got from online. Is it like Mary Kay? For your skin? No, no, no, no. It's for your, I have my fucking, if I like anti-wrinkle or something.

Does Mary Kay make a ball cream? If I don't put, what do you call that? Look at your legs. You have no leg hair. Yeah, no, no, no. If I don't put cream on my legs every day, it's like I'm chalky Joey. Well, yeah, I do that. And I drink water.

I try to do everything I can. Chalky Joey. And let me tell you something. And I tell you this, honestly, sometimes it gets so dry. that it hurts. Like when I went to Boulder, Denver would leave this last time. That Friday,

my fucking legs hurt from being so dry. Like I had to go right to the storm bike cream. I know I'm a pussy. What do you want from me? I can't stop thinking about your balls just so you know nothing you're saying is registering.

I understand. You're done. You guys don't understand what I saw. I'm so, like his balls, they're so huge. And they look like one ball. And they're,

They look really like flappy and soft. They're like flapjack balls. Show the cover to, uh, this definitely can't go on YouTube. You guys should go on my Instagram live before it gets pulled because it's going to get pulled. It's going to get pulled. No, you didn't show my balls on that. The first time I was ready so I didn't have the camera pointed at you. The second time you whipped them out by total surprise.

Well, that's how you do it to people. You don't tell them. You don't know. You don't say it. Coming into the room, the Grand Santini. Don't even say that. And you drop your nutsack. We're going to get in trouble.

drop your nutsack so when somebody will i used to do this to men i would do this to people just to throw them off shake their hand with my nutsack out what you're talking about when i was a struggling comic i always had a hole in my jeans so a nut sack would pop out and i would squeeze it so it would pop out like a pimper you know i i don't think they have it on google they have to have it somewhere what was he looking for your balls the cover of my seat here's the beauty thing when i asked felicia to do the picture I was driving and I went to the weed store and I'm like, wow. The name of the document is where I got my boss from. What am I going to do a picture of my city?

Anybody would do that. So I went to her house because she's a professional photographer. Felicia? Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah, she's fucking tremendous. I knocked on the door. As a matter of fact, the best pictures that you'll ever see of me,

which I don't like taking pictures because I'm not a good looking dude. Yes, you are. When Felicia takes a picture of me, she's phenomenal. Her photography with me really works. So I had seen that, and she's a friend like you. So I knocked on the door, and I told her the name of my documentary, and I explained to the... Can you take a photo of my balls?

You asked her. I swear to God, I go, I need a big favor from me. I go, and I told my wife, I was going to ask you, because she's friends with my wife. Yeah. My wife, but my wife looked at the... Your wife doesn't care, right? No, when I told my wife at first, she looked at me like,

she goes you know what that's between you and I like my wife is that cool she goes if you want I go well who else gonna take a picture of my balls and do it professionally so I knocked on her door and I looked her in the eye and I'm like listen would you mind taking a picture of my balls for a cover and at first you should have seen her face did she think you were joking because I would totally think you were joking I thought I was joking but then she's a professional when she goes okay I'll go get my stuff and she got all done up and everything like I said

She got done up. She put on, like, makeup to take. I got to her house and she was like in a robe, basically. Like, I'm like, let me talk to you about that. I love that she put on makeup to take a photo of your balls. No, no, she just got dressed. Oh, she just got dressed. Oh, okay.

You know what's funny is you saying your wife is so cool about it? Like, of course she is because a girl taking a photo of your balls is not a turn on. Like, if you're taking naked photos of a hot chick, you're a guy, it's one thing. No girl ever is going to see a dude's balls and be like, I have to jump that. I just found this picture. I just, I found the picture about a month ago, my old, you know how you go through your old's and your email section, you clean it out? Sure.

I found that picture and like that whole day came to me and how. Of your balls. We went into the back room and she goes, okay, and I turned around, I took my balls out, and I held my dick, I covered it. And I turned around and I never forget, like her lens, she went like this. Like, this is exactly what she did. She took a camera and she looked and she put her camera. her down and she goes Joey your balls are huge I have to get a little closer to you and she

walked a couple steps closer to me and she goes if this turns into a blowjohn I'm gonna be pissed off right she's like wow how your balls are so weird and huge I wanted I almost want to see your dick now but I don't put I put the fucking thing on on on Twitter when I first released the CD when I first released it it went like number one do you think that's because of your balls what kind of you know I I was raised I was raised on covers

I really like album covers you know me too that one's really cool actually I was looking at this cover here of Hotel California yeah that's cool if I'm walking in a music store Hotel California now does it say Hotel California anywhere it's just a picture of a fucking

something about it looks like a hotel with trees around it it does say it. It intrigues it yeah it says Hotel California doesn't say Hotel California brand it's really cool actually I would buy that and put it on my well look at the lobby yeah it's dope can I see that yeah where is this where is this

this is no somewhere around here obviously because they were recording California at the time I don't know exactly we could find out we could find out it looks like San Luis Obispo or something it's cool something really cool I believe Look, look. I'm sure we go. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Why? Why? Ew. No, they don't look like that anymore. Yes, they do. No, they don't. No, they don't. I'm telling you, I was laying backwards. Holy shit. For the people listening at home, not watching, we're looking at a photo of Joey's balls on his album cover, but I have to say they don't look like that anymore. First of all, first of all, you can put the right one in your mouth and massage the other one with your left, like an exercise.

You know how you girls like to exercise your wrist? The Benoit balls. The Benoit balls is the one I put in your asshole, and then pull them out once I blow or not. Oh, Jesus. You put a ball in a bowl? A ball? Not your dick a ball.

In the 70s. In the 70s, the big thing was, I come over your house case. You do a couple bumps. And then what we do is right before I eat your monkey, we start swap and spit. I lick your asshole, and I insert a string of pearl,

little Benoit balls. your ass and I leave them in there with the fuse like you have your period you know you have that little fuse it's not a fuse Jesus yeah of course I know a fuse I've never I never heard that then I would give you a stabbing and when I was gonna crack a nut I take out put in your mouth while I'm shooting jizz I'd whip that fucking beads out of your asshole sounds not bad actually no no no it's a party Kate this is a party I can't stop looking at like your his balls are on the screen right next to me they don't look like this can I just say they don't look worse I'll show them to you no please keep

you to do a comparison I don't I don't do that you want your balls really on YouTube you'll get kicked off you too no no he can take his balls out there I just won't show that yeah he won't show that we'll do a comparison test you could feel them I'm not touching them you should squeeze them I'm not touching your balls that's what that's when women really fall in love uh I when they squeeze them and they go Jesus Christ this is the real deal we feel can I just say two things about this okay number one, what I love so much about you, is you are someone

who can talk to me this way, and I never feel creeped out or threatened. No, why would you? I know, but it's weird because... Why would you? There's a couple reasons. Your family. Yeah. Like, you calling Felicia and saying, can you take a photo of my balls? If 90% of guys... First off, I would never call a woman and ask them that. I thought you did. No, I went to a house directly.

I knocked on the door. Oh, that's better. I called her. You showed up at her house. Hi, can I show you my balls and you take a photo? No, no, no, no. I called her from outside and I go do you have a minute to talk and she's like okay can you talk right now she goes yeah why I go I'm outside she goes oh come in you caught her from outside her house yeah that's interesting and those days we were doing a podcast together so we were boom-bye oh it's different so she was like what's up and I go listen I need a cover of my ball sack for a DVD I'm trying to sell and the look on her face but then if you're a photographer it's not that big of you like art like that like sometimes

Sometimes I look at a picture from like the Andy Warhol days or something of a woman naked. Yeah. Can you look at something and you see something different? Yeah, of course. I mean, it's just like a comic watching comedy sees it different. Something different. So like that, I did it. I'm a comic.

And I did it for that reason. I had big balls and I wanted to show where I got them from. But at the same time, look how I left the underwear. It's an artistic type picture I can't believe you're wearing tidy whiteies That's the best Do you wear those? Still?

No, I wear me undies now You know because they didn't sponsor me at the time But I would love to For somebody to frame that and put that in a museum If you send me that I'll put it up in my apartment I'm not kidding I would love that

You would curate that That's a good picture Without the fucking gettings Whatever computer screen The thing about Felicia doing that too though Is she's a comic So like I feel like women

comedians. We hang out with guys so much. We're desensitized to things like looking at balls. I really really believe that. Not that if a stranger pulled his balls out, it wouldn't be slightly weirded out, but unless he was being scary, it's just balls. What's a big deal about taking a picture? I would take a picture

of Lee's balls. Anybody, really? The world I'm from, it's really funny. I was thinking about this last night. Lee and I went to our friend Irene's room, a dear friend of mine. She's a comic. Irene's Gaya? She's a sweetheart. She's a sweetheart. And, you know, I met her at the Ha-ha one night.

She hooked me up. She did me a favor. And we've been solid ever since. She's cool, yeah. And I went and did her room last night. And it's so weird that here's Lee and I, you know, I'm about to do the 9.30 fucking spot at the Ice House. And I'm in a restaurant.

I'm in the back room. That is a quaint. Like, when I go into those rooms, I totally, I feel like a bully. Why? What did I tell you, Lee? Bullie pedophon. Because I'm an old comic and an open mic. They're like, what are you doing?

They love it, though, right? What are you doing here? You have spots at the store. Why would you be in here? And so I learned so much from these young comics, but it was funny. The main thing I learned last night is that after 27 years, I understand why I am the way I am with women comics, because I feel that you just joined the Marines. Like, if you hang out with me as a comic, you just joined the Marines.

You were a green beret. You're in a guys club for sure. Okay. No, no, no, no. Do you see guys around me? No, I don't mean you. I mean, comedians. I mean, women, comedians are in a guy's club.

Not you. But what I'm saying is that I have to act in front of you because you're a female comic. And I hate using this term. The same way I would act in front of Lee, if not, we can't be Umbas. Exactly. So if I tell you, Lee, if I, you're not going to believe I just scratched my nuts. That's why the sexual harassment thing doesn't work for me. There's a line with comedy where, yeah, I can't take into a hotel room

and take my dick off and jerk off in front of you. But I have to feel around a feeling like, and that's the women that I've gotten along with them comedy have taught me such a lesson. And I do it on purpose. When I first meet a female comic and I'm around her and I kind of like her and I kind of respect her as a comic, I let her know who the fuck I am

I run off the bat. Like I'll say something raunchy and if she don't talk to me no more that's cool after that. If she shows up like you, not raunchy in a sexual matter. No, yeah. Like I'll say something like,

look at this fucking cunt over here trying to tell me what the fuck to do. But just that statement will let you know where I'm coming from. That's true, but you also have a way of, do you remember the first time you talk to me? Because I do. On the phone?

Do you remember this? Because I remember it. you have a way of letting the girl know you're not being a creep because you called me I'll never forget this you're awesome for doing this I used to post those in a bikini photos I don't do it much anymore I miss it where I would go to places I'd wear a bikini you know you know this if they don't and I shouldn't be there in a bikini but I would act normal like a hospital so I'd just be like pushing a gurney in a hospital in a bikini and the funny thing about the photos was no one knows why I'm there so people are looking at me weird so they're funny you called me

And I used to take shit for this, which we'll talk about. But like, people hated that I was doing it. They were like, you can't be doing bikini photos and be a comic pick. And you called me and you said, hey, Joey Diaz. I don't think we've really talked much. But I just wanted to tell you those in a bikini photos you do are so fucking funny. And you said, my wife and I sit around and laugh. We how?

Yeah, but the minute you said my wife and I sit around laughing, it, you usually. let me know, hey, I'm not trying to hit on you. I'm not being creepy. Because I didn't know you yet well, you know, I didn't know you once. Yeah. I don't know how we follow each other, but I don't either. There was a six month thing there where yeah, you're attractive and yeah, you're fucking out with a bikini. But those pictures, you were showing me, you were putting yourself, it was a part of marketing that you did on your side that I think was genius. I remember time, it's just howling. Thanks. Because it was like you with cowboy boots talking to a homeless guy or you online and the faces on people online.

I tried to look not hot in those photos on purpose. Like the only hot thing was a bikini, but I would wear ugly shoes and be goofy. Goofy. That's what the thing was. And then I saw you did like this fucking podcast. The Hollywood pool party. You were like a pool tub. I'm bringing that back.

Thinking you were like at the Chitome Madrid. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I'm bringing that back to all things comedy. I really like as a small seven-minute web series. Talk show, I'm doing it. Like a fucking hot, hot, gay guy. No, no, no, no.

The waiters got to be a hot gay guy that, because Lee and I have been talking about flipping people. Can you imagine me being gay, but I thought you flip me. Like, you flip me like, you're like, Joey, you're so hot. You have to fuck me. Like, and you flip me? You can't flip a gay guy. What have you ever tried?

You can't flip a gay guy. Have you ever tried? I mean, I've made out with some gay guys. They never tried to bang me. That's crazy. No, because they're gay. So what? You can flip a girl, maybe.

Oh, yeah, you could always flip a chick. Yeah, but you can't flip a guy. It's quick. But you, you, you know, you would just, I used to call my wife over and go take a look at this. And my wife could go, what? I go, just look. And then me and my wife caught one of them and we both were howling. And I know that my wife is by the book.

And just from her laugh, I knew. I knew I wasn't crazy. You did something that was really funny. You were online. There was a black woman looking at you weird or something. Oh, yeah. I remember. And that was the one that ice cream junk.

But I go, Lee, I got to get that girl on the podcast. Thank you. Well, it was cool too because when you told me your wife liked them, that's also great because I like to be the girl that's cool with whoever your girl is always. So if I friends with the guy who has a girlfriend, I try to make that girl feel like super cool. Like I'm not trying to steal your guy. So once you told me your wife liked it, then I felt cool about us being friends too. Like it just made the whole thing easy.

Don Marrera is the same way. No, I try to let female comics around me. If they get to a certain point where I really like them, I'll try to, as soon as I see my wife, I go, this is who this is. Yeah. Say hello to them. But it gets better over time, too, because I know you now. Like, the longer your friends, too, it's like you can say anything to me, but I'm also hard to offend, man. I even got in trouble today.

Somebody called me out today for... I see shit. on your Twitter constantly. It's like, but what these people don't understand is when they give you shit, they're just giving you a spotlight. If you don't like Kate wearing a bikini on Twitter,

unfriender, blocker. Don't say, I think you're the most untalented chick and you're hot and you use it, because I read some of them sometimes. And I feel like responding and I go, they don't understand that they're giving Kate free fucking publicity. It's weird because I told you this, but it used to bother me more when I, like, a few years back, Sam Tripoli gave me the best advice when I was like new in comedy. I asked him,

because I love Sam, and I respect Sam's opinion. And I asked him, I said, do you think I should not post sexy photos and do anything with skin? Everybody's giving me shit. You know what Sam said to me? He said, get all the eyeballs on you, you can. Everyone in town will know your name. And then prove that you're funny. So it won't matter. Yeah, that's basically it. That's it. But for a few years, I felt like I was doing that and I was like an okay comic, but I was new. I wasn't great, you know? I'm still not saying I'm amazing, but what I know now is I can back it up. So now when people talk shit, I'm less insecure. I used to really, I used to want everybody's

respect so fucking my peers to the point where it started to make me hold back on posting some things I wanted to. I didn't follow my gut all the time because I wanted comics respect. But then I was like, you know, the thing is, the comics aren't paying my bills. They're not the ones that really matter. And the ones I do respect truly respect me back because they see my grind and my hustle and how hard. Like, I fucking

worked the first two years I did comedy here in L.A. I would fucking go up at any shitty bar show, like, anywhere. I would do like three, four spots a night. And I mean, that's why when people say stuff, now it doesn't bother me as much. But man, you know, it's weird. Every once in a while

someone will say something that still, I sensitive in one person every once in a while something will get to me you know I get caught up in that too on Twitter sometimes people say some depending on what you're going through that's what it is that time that's what it is sometimes you're walking in and I just did a I just me and Lee just went for sushi on Friday for good Friday and we got high and yeah we walked in and you know I yeah and I do two shows three shows I bomb in one I kill in the other I go home and some guys bitch and Joey, you're a liar. You say that you charge $20,

that you keep your ticket prices. It's $27, $27. I'm talking about that range. And then the club charges like a $7 fucking ticket fee. I look at what comics are charging. And my jaws drop. My jaws drop. I'm more of a working man's comic.

I know you like to keep a low. I try to keep it. Listen, New York, you got to keep between $27 or $325. They think you're a fucking champ. You know what? The agents are telling you. They all tell you. Yeah.

I'm the time, you know, we all get attacked at different levels, and you have to, it's our reaction that sometimes my reaction is a fucking cruel butter one. And sometimes I'm so caught up in what I'm doing that I just move on with my life. You know what's funny is I used to say, and it's really true, that if you follow me closely enough online, you can tell when I'm on my period by the way I respond. Because most of the time, the trolls go right over my head. I really don't care. But every once in a while when I'm like PMSing,

I get more offended and I'll reply a little. I can tell when I'm punching back, it's because I'm PMSing always. What are your dates? What days in a month usually you have? That I have my period. That's what's funny. I don't know because I'm really athletic,

so it's kind of spotty. But I know and it's coming because of how I react to trolls. One of my girlfriends, I had his schedule down to a fucking T. like some guys are just so perverted. That's amazing. I knew those days I wouldn't have to buy coke and be around. No way.

I couldn't eat a pussy. Yeah, what good is doing coke with you if I can't eat your monkey? I got to listen to that. He's beating. Well, I know when I start to get really horny and a little crampy, it's coming, and I'm not going to lie. I start looking for someone to fuck around that time because I know once I get it, I won't be able to for four or five days. And if I'm not having sex at all, it kind of goes away the early.

It's like breaking the seal, right? But once I start, if I'm hooking up with someone or two people, whatever, then I've got to get laid off in. I need it. So right before my period, I make sure to time it. And then right at the end, I try to find someone because they, you know, they can come in you that day. You won't get pregnant. I'm such a fucking savage. I said I wasn't going to talk about sex on you and we talked about your balls on.

What are you going to do? My balls weren't sex. I showed you my balls is an awakening. It's like Jesus coming out of a fucking hole today. And this is the thing I don't do. Just to let you know a pack and heat like a box. How is this freaky stuff? The period.

I don't care about the period at all. I don't eat you out. Listen, let's not discuss period around me. The first day? I got a couple animals in me. We can't talk about periods, but you can whip your balls out. That's how the... I don't want to talk about blood.

I don't want to talk about blood. All right. Who wants to talk about blood? Jesus got killed on Friday. You should have talked about blood on Friday, not today. I don't think we should really compare your balls to Jesus. What don't you get about periods, Lee? No, I just don't get that.

Anything. The craziness that you do, you talk about going... taking the tinfoil out of a girl's asshole. Like you do all that, but a period, you won't even see them. Hold on. Why is there tinfoil? When did you say tinfoil? Some chick I was dating one time.

I was giving it through a muffler, and something was hitting my, something felt weird. And when I pulled out, she must have like a Hershey kiss, and she swallowed the little bit for by mistake or something. What? And I just took it out, put it to the side. Wait, you think she digested it first? You think it was digested it? What am I, Dr.

What am I, Dr. Ken? I don't know. I look Chinese. You're fuck. I don't fucking know. That's fucking crazy. You're so, you're, oh, God, Joey, I love you so much. When you're fucking young, you go through these escapades.

I don't know. Especially when you're a comic, you go through, if you're traveling and you're going to weird cities, these things start to happen that you just can't believe of happening. Being a girl on the road is especially, like, it's getting a little weird. for me. Yes. I'm also like, I don't know.

You can't do one-nighters. I wouldn't, I would send you to a club where, you know, you should take a feature with you. That's your buddy. I tried to always. Some clubs won't let you, though. Yeah, they do. If you tell them you're bringing your features. You're Joey Diaz.

You do whatever you want. But you're a female. I think that you should be comfortable. There's a guy that you feel comfortable around that you're not sleeping with. That's why I take Jack Jr. That you truly, you could. and act with him and write with him. That's what I would do if I was you.

Just so I walk you to your door. You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. To your door. I see you the morning. Call me, I'm getting in my room. If you're hungry, come over. You know, whatever, will smoke.

I like that. I like that, too. I like having someone on the road, too, just because it can get depressing sometimes, you know, and lonely and, like, it's just nice to have somebody there. I like Lee. I like Lee a lot. And I like taking him on the road.

I only feel guilty about one thing with Lee, that he's on his own during the daytime. We might hook up for lunch and then I'll go back to my room. I love it. But that's why Lee loves it. He has his own adventures. That's where he goes and has his little sneak around things where he goes and eats his favorite shit.

That's not a big deal, though. I tell all the people I bring during the day I like to chill. I do. I don't like to be around people all day. But after the show, it's nice to have somebody to kick it with. You know, Red band's fun. Red band and I have fun on the road a lot. too much actually red band he's a psycho he's a lot of fun I fucking love him man

you gotta remember I we used to go out with red band in 2003 back in the day back in the day and it was him Duncan me and Ari and Joe and then Joe got really big and it was add Eddie Brabant Tate to that so every week every time Joe went on the road you know Sometimes Duncan wouldn't go, but I still remember a young red band, very shy, very much like Lee. And then he started drinking. And the best is when I got him Coke in Austin. Because this had to be, I stopped doing Coke in 2007. So this has to be 2003 when people would hate me before Rogan.

But Rogan, I was such a high-energy, dirty comic that I was great, such a record. that he was forced himself to follow me. Yeah, I can't imagine. You're hard to follow. He was, he was, that this is why Rogan is so good. He took a challenge on. It's weird that we have a mutual friend at the fourth wall. You and Rogan?

No, Lee. At the fourth wall, that's, you know, Sean. The open mic you go to in the valley? Yeah, right down the corner. I haven't been there yet. Your buddy, the guy that took you to the fucking gay ball. Eric. Eric.

And it's funny that one day Eric pulled me aside and goes, I want you to tell me about Paul Mooney, following Paul Mooney at the store. And last night I started talking about that, that open mic, because while I was sitting there watching these young kids doing comedy, you know, going, we have to go from here to a library and do a set. I admire that shit. Yeah, I still remember that shit. But I still remember getting past at the comedy store and thinking I was hot shit for about a week.

Because the first night, the first spot they gave me, I got bumped by fucking Eddie Griffin. I didn't get to go up. Oh. He did four hours that night. Hilarious. And then she gave me a spot two nights later. And I had to follow Paul Mooney, who I had just, like,

I had started hearing about Paul Mooney like in 92. And that's, you know, there was no internet for me. So I read a Richard Pryor book where he broke down Paul Mooney and his relationship. and there were allegations that he sucked his dick one night because Paul was straight at Paul's gay which I give him all I love Paul Mooney by the way guys he was a big influence in my life and as a comic but it was so weird because here I thought I made it

but now I had another hurdle bitch I had to make those sets happen at the store and these were my killers okay the guys I could not even follow were number one was Paul Mooney number two was Dom Irera Dom is amazing All right this was Dom 20 years ago

and number three was this cool as black dude and I've told the story before on the podcast that it was a hurdle because I didn't know who I was going to follow between these three guys and one of these guys could do as much time as he wanted which was Paul Mooney which meant I had a sit there and watch them.

I couldn't be in the hallway talking to Kate. You don't know when you're going on. And Lee about tomorrow's day. Yeah. So for two years, I would sit there. My spot would always be at 1215. 1215, my ass. I wouldn't get until 1 in those days.

Yeah. And I would have to sit there and watch Paul Mooney and see how he would navigate an audience, Kate. Amazing. And I saw some good headlines in those days. I saw people that were fucking killers in those days. But he was he would go up on stage and he's like you know how you white people doing to that shit, you know Oh

You know, look at half the white people walking out of the room down 9-1-1 There's a nigger on stage who won't stop saying nigger and And then from there he would just go on these roles And I would have to sit there and every like Lee you know how you scare yourself to death Right Think about scaring yourself to death following this guy. Of course. And then he would bring you up and half the room would get up to really make you feel bad about yourself.

And leave, you mean? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Like if there was 34 people in the room, 20 would get up, Lee. And he would bring me up and I'd take the Mike Lee and I'd try to do my material. And oh my God, you want to talk about, I was telling Lee about that ball of sweat that sometimes you wear a loose shirt. I remember you're saying that. It starts by your neck and you can feel it running down your back or down your fat stomach or something.

Like I went through 100 of those things. Of course. Because she was giving me four spots a week following those fucking savages. Yeah, but you know what's worse than everyone half the room leaving before you go on is if they leave after you go on. That to me is worse. No, how about one they leave as you're on stage? How does that fucking feel? You know what's interesting?

I think because I'm a chick, people are nicer because I even, when I was really bad. I rarely ever had people heckle mean, walk out. I think people are nicer to female comics in some way. Okay, so you have. I have a little bit of an advantage. You have so many advantages and so many disadvantages. I agree.

But here's the disadvantage that you have. That's slightly, and it's not a disadvantage. I know. Okay. The advantage is this. If you're married, okay, who do you think makes, I think, I think. I think if you look it up, I mean, I'm talking to you guys from scientific and studies. As a salesman's point of view, if Lee Cyanne is married and he's married to Kate Quigley,

and they contact me and say that they want to buy a house. Yeah. They just got married a year ago. Lee's a comedy writer for a TV show. Kate's making a half million dollars a year on the road. and you guys come to me as a realtor. I know during the conversation, I'm going to shake Lee's hand.

But... You know, I'm picking. I'm talking to her. Yep. My conversation is basically going to be based on Kate. I'm going to do some research on Lee and know that he's number one podcast on Birdcast, but I'm also going to focus on Lee

because 70%... I don't know the exact percentages of a family are made by the wife. that hurts when I'm sitting down in a comedy club and I'm a woman and I'm 38 and I've just had two children and I feel a little overweight and I'm sitting with my husband and Kate walks in and as soon as my husband walks in

as soon as Kate walks in if me and my husband are sitting there with the cocktail here and we're holding hands as soon as Kate walks in your husband pulls the hand away. No. Oh my God, I've seen it. I've done study. This is what I did all those years as a feature act.

Yeah, no, I agree. I sat there, even though I had a little line of coke in me once I did, once I finished for the night, I would do a line of Coke. And my focus was on the audience to learn what the headline was doing. Can I say something about this? Because I'm so glad you brought this up. I've been talking about this so much lately. And I'm not saying this in a way like, oh, I'm killing lately. It's not that, but I made a realization it was probably about a year ago where I started really focusing at least the first half of my act on the women.

Everything is self-deprecating at the top, right? So the women don't think I think like, um, hot shit, whatever when I come out. I always, you know I dress down anyway. In real life, I do though. But I realize something, which is, and this is, you're right, it's like a sales thing, but it comes through in comedy too. if you win the women, you win the room, period. Yes. Because once the women are on your side, which is why lately I've been feeling like I'm a little

borderline like being jaded guy-hater girl, just a little sometimes, but then I try to turn it back towards the end. But the thing is when I say, like, I'll even say on stage, like, you guys are going to hate me, but this is for the women. I'm going to stick up for the women. The women fucking, they love it. They're on your side. And then the guy can laugh.

Because now the girl likes you. So the guy's allowed to laugh. But if you don't have the women, you lose. Well, what happens is that, all right, a couple go on a date. And there's three comedians and all three of them are men. Yeah. So two of the guys are going to go up there and goofing on women. So that night, the date night, yeah, Joey Diaz was funny and Lee was funny.

But I didn't feel like I had a voice that night. That's why I like working with women on the show. because I really enjoy it. I agree. One of the best things I used to love about the comedy store was Saturday nights. And even though I used to have to go up on midnight and 1245, I would go up there about nine. I would secure my grandma blow. It was always in my pocket.

I wouldn't snort it. And I'd bounce from room to room. You know, Mitzi Shaw, when she created the comedy, store. Her belief that it was really going to be a haven for comments. A comedy university. Yeah, it really is. If you read the back

it's a, she touts it as a comedy university which means that you're going to go there and spend time there. One of the great things was the other night. Lee, did you see this? Somebody tweeted from the store.

The best thing about the store is you go into one room and see Joey and go into the other room and watch Joe Rogan. They did a video of it just walking in here. And I did that as a human being, Lee. It's true. So one of the things I learned years ago, when I first moved here, there was a comedian. No reason to mention names. Very hot.

A girl? Yeah. No, a fucking transgender. I don't know. You said a hot comedian. That could be a guy in my mind. I'm sorry. She was very hot.

And she wore cleavage. and I remember Lee and I have discussion last night about ever going up to a comic and saying something and I usually shut my fucking mouth she wasn't as hot as you facewise but her tits

were redone and they were pointy, they were perfect and it was pure cleavage and I remember going let me do an experiment here this is called the Joey Diaz experiment where I watch where you're going I watch your career

a long mind. I don't wish it bad or put the balook on it. You watch. I just want to watch moves that you make. We all watch. And she got an episode of a show called Real Sex. I know it on HBO years ago. This is the 90s. She got an episode of these actors on that show? Yeah, like, I don't know what it was. And basically disappeared because I always thought that it's one of the first thing they focused at and it was tough for a 40-year-old guy that's been married to his wife for 20 years to really. To really, really get the material. I always thought that experiment. Look, in my mind, it was right. A tith were too big. When I see a woman that's as attractive on you on stage, did that work with you one time and tell you to get dolled up?

You did tell me to dress up more once. I forget how you said it. You said it's like putting a Lamborghini in a... Yeah, I said to you that, why give a $10,000 presentation and $10 shoes? Something like that, yeah. That's what... I dress up. I mentioned. Sometimes I've met it to you. Yeah. You have to because the first thing I don't want to see, you know, what's the first thing I see when I see Kate Quigley going up to the stage as a, you know, I'm thinking about the audience here.

Something that we don't think about from the beginning. I think, and Lee is great. This is why I knew Lee would become a good comic. This is why Lee took the comedy because for years, Lee watched comedy. Yeah. He would go on dates. to watch comedy. If I'm out of town, Lee, what are he doing? I'm not going to watch. And he would tell me your name and I go, why would you go watch him? He likes comedy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I love comedy. He watched comedy. Yeah, you like watching. I love watching. I like watching too. Now, not before I got into comedy. Now I love watching life comedy. I always liked watching, to be honest, growing up and stuff. But it's funny you said that because Rich Voss said that about me. He said, oh, I liked you because you stayed more my set in the belly room, I knew you like watching comedy, something like that. Well, you know, here's the thing about how I dress on stage. In L.A., to be really honest, I don't think as much about it because some nights it's like, I just want to be comfortable. I throw on a hat of flannel, the ha-ha, whatever. Sometimes I don't really think about it. When I'm on the road, I put a little more thought

into it. I don't dress up. I think it was Eric Griffin gave me the best advice. He said, dress for your material. And that's really what I do. And it sounds weird. And maybe it's psychological, but I notice if I look cute, girl next door kind of sporty, a little maybe dressed up, I have better sets. If I look, if I wear dark colors, black, leather, anything too, like, cool, it's harder because it makes my dirtier material seem like, oh, you look like a girl who would do dirty material. So it's, the contrast is funnier if you look innocent and do dirty jokes, it's funnier. It's more unexpected than if you look like, if I had a bunch of tattoos and like tons of makeup and, you know, cleavage and do dirty jokes, that's not really funny because

you're like, well, yeah, of course. She's the bitch telling dick jokes. Can you imagine on top of writing jokes and getting sets? This is also the journey that you learned. What works for you even as an outfit. Yeah, but I told this to who was it, Rick Bronson, you know, the guy that owns the House of Comedy Good, great guy. Great clubs. I love him. Minneapolis, great clubs. Yeah.

But I told him, I said, I feel like this is where some comics miss the mark a little, because you've got to have good jokes and you got to be talented. But 50% of this, it's a business, you know. It's a lot of branding. It's a lot of like, you got to present yourself in a certain way. And you have to think about all of that. So it's not enough to just do jokes and be good on stage. That's important. But I don't know, man.

I just really try hard. Like, even with my Instagram, it's funny. People always bring up. Can you go to young comedians, Lenny Clark, real quick? Pour that shit up. You know, when I first got into comedy, I was just separated. Oh, yeah. Like, I was married when I got on stage the first time.

Me too. But I was separated within August, September, October, three months. Same. And the first couple times I went on stage, you know, you just barely. thinking about going on stage and what works for you. I was so nervous to begin. And that's when I started renting movies and comedy videos. Go to that one right there.

This was one of the early influences I had. You could turn it up if you want. This is when Rodney was Rodney. I look at you. You hold my hand. I get excited. Hey, come on. my show tonight after a show i was doing comedy for about kids will get crazy a year and that's when i

started watching more tape tell your husband you're busy tonight you know there was more tape i was indented why don't you tell him i would get great comics but i wanted to see more so i would you didn't go on the internet to see comedy then you had to go to the video store so i rented the best of uh bete and i would watch the tory brothers and babbba bab bab and uh Look at this fucking lineup. Oh, shit. Yeah, look at this lineup in 1987. Have you ever seen anything?

Look at this lineup. Amazing. Look at this fucking lineup. Look at this opening. Look at this lineup. Oh, my God. Look at this lineup. You've never seen this?

This is your homework assignment. This is how to become a comedian. Look at this lineup. Robert Schimel. This is how to become a comedian. Barry Sobel. What was this on? This was HBO.

Amazing. When Rodney got hot, My boo-look at them. Fucking 59, 60. Look at what they gave him. They gave him that chick. Everybody else got on. These things were hilarious.

Now, watch this. So a year into comedy, can you put volume to this? A year into comedy, this is what I watched. And this was what I watched every fucking night, Kay. Watch this. What a crowd. What a night. What a bullshit artist, huh?

Now I tell you, I'm all right now, but last week I got a rough shape, you know? Last week I made love to an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me. I'll tell you what girls I never had any look. I'm not a sexy guy. My dog found out we look alike. He killed himself. Oh, I know I'm not sexy.

In high school, it was voted most likely to masturbate. That's okay. This is my comedy lesson. This is classic. I know. She's afraid of the dark. She saw me naked, not she's afraid of the light. Well, my wife, I never got a break.

We made a rule we only smoke after sex. I got the same pack now since 1975. Mm-hmm. And my wife, she's up to three packs a day. He's like, he's rocked in this audience, man. I'm waiting for him to do the Frazier Smith snap. That's okay. He's amazing.

You're kidding. My wife. My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right. You've never seen this, Kate? Not this. You've never seen him. But I've never seen this.

No, my God, Kate. I got to watch this. You are going to buy this? Is this whole thing on YouTube the whole thing? Yeah, I think so. I'm going to watch it. When I was a kid, Halloween, my old man dressed me as a hydrant, turned me to the dog show.

You know, Lee, you got to tweet this link out so I remember it or something. What a childhood. This is. I have a whole family were drunks. When I was missing and put my picture in a bottle of scotch. That's hilarious. What a childhood. My uncle's Don.

He wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. That's all right. We'll work it up. Oh, it's funny. Now, my doctor, too. That's another one. You know my doctor. Dr. Vinnie Boombach. So my doctor. But I got a way you. What a doctor. He's really mixed.

He grabbed my knee and told me the cough and hit me in the balls with a hammer. It's amazing how well some of the stuff holds up. Not every jerk, but like almost all of them. Am I supposed to do? Joe Kim off too? Amazing. Every time he would do a set, it was fucking. vanilla. Every time because he had three years of material.

Kate, I used to watch this and cry. Lower this a little bit, Lee. Watch this, but as soon as I saw him, I started wearing suits. A little loudly. You were in a suit would be hilarious. Watch this. And Lenny Clark.

Watch, this was my first idol. When I saw this kid out of Boston, look at the suit he has. I know, that bought the exact same suit. All right, finally, thank you. Oh, thank you very, very much. How's everyone doing? Y'all, have a good day?

Yeah, my day sucked, too. It's okay. I'm not like a lot of these guys you see on TV. Hi, hello, how are you? What a nice-looking crowd. Funny thing happened to me today. Nothing fucking funny happened to me today. I'm lying to bed around 7 o'clock this morning.

I get in around 6.55, so I'm fighting for sleep. The wife comes bouncing in the bed. Just come on, Lenny. It's nice. So let's go out and play, because she likes that. She's young. She's 15. Well, in a couple of months. But I said, honey.

I said, I don't want to play. She said, what do you want to do? I said, why do we have a couple of beers and watch some cartoons on TV? You're going to drink in the morning? I hate you when you drink. I said, good, because I hate you when I'm not drinking. All right. Watch this shit.

Oh, my God. Kate, you didn't know this? Dude, I've seen tape of Dom, but not this. I'm a whole day. I'm a whole day. Assume the position. Keep going. Keep going.

The thing about Dom and these guys is like, Dom's still. Keep going. Keep going. Click and see what you got. Don. So she can really shit her pants. All right. Oh, yeah. Go before her.

See what happens. I think Dom is before her. Dom spits jokes. No, faster. He spits jokes like he's breathing still. You know what I mean? Like, he doesn't even think. This is what the life is.

Look at this. Yeah. This is it, Lee. This is. I just want to see him. He went to see him. He went to see. see you. Well, he came to see me too.

Yeah. He's a psycho. I love him. See, he lived to not say anything. Look at him. He would do an exercise and not say a word for two minutes. He still kind of does. He does this. Yeah. Lee, can you imagine going up there forcing

yourself? Little Miss Muffet sat on a topic. He's so stupid I love. Eating. Occurred some way. Long came of Spitey sat down beside he said, hey, was in the bowl, bitch jack and joe went up to hell both with a buck in a quarter jill came down with two 50 all speeded up a little bit now dice ends up destroying this room i'm sure right here right

he's so funny keep going telling you the truth this guy goes on and dice really fucks this room up but this is a history lesson this is what kind of He followed dice. There is good news for smokers. I'm sure y'all have noticed. Certain General's warnings are different on the sides of each pack. That's pretty cool. Mine say, certain generals warning, cigarette smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth.

Hey, fuck it. Just don't get the ones to say lung cancer. It is your body you should shop around, I think. I can live with low birth weight, you know? That's nice as cigarette companies come out with different types of diseases. You find the one you can live with. Continue to smoke. Like, what are you smoking, Tom?

Throat polyps. Genius. I'm gonna stick with my yellow fingernails, buddy. Thank you. I can live with yellow fingernails. Speed it up a little bit. I know guys, do-day break-ups hard. I was reading about Vincent Van.

Oh, no, no, go back to that. Excuse me. Go back to that. You ever hear that? Tom, throat, pahlobs. Go back to this. I think it's the next joke. You never heard this cake?

I don't think so. I'm going to stick with my yellow fingernails, buddy. Thank you. I can live with yellow fingernails. I know guys do take breakups hard. I was reading about Vincent Van Gogh. You know what he did. Cut off his ear, sent it to the girl that left him.

Yeah, that makes a dozen rows just look like a buggered at him. I didn't know he did that. You sure she's the one? Benz, think about it. Vince is going, what? Is that Susie? Did she call back? What? Did she call back?

This is brilliant. This is Comedy 101 of your young comic. Speed it up to Dom Rerey. Dom has to follow Bill Flock and Hicks. So next time you see Dom, think about that. Here we go. This is crazy, Kay. This is 1987. Dom, Irero, okay, make him happy.

It's four years later. It's how long? Four years later? Oh, okay. Bless you, I love you, you're beautiful. Before I go into my hilarious comedy routine, I would like to talk to you as a real me, not one of these bullshit comedy characters you'll see so much of I love you.

I hope to God you're happy, I hope you're healthy, I hope all of you are regular. I am not one of these violent or vulgar comedians. I say only cute words. Excuse me, I have to poop. I have to poop. Excuse me. I have... That's how good he was. 40 years ago.

Not I have to pincello for to cap a squad. To roll some logs or to he, a Havana. These are disgusting things and I don't talk like that. Do you? I don't. Do you? I don't. I say, I have to poop, I have to pee. Excuse me.

Excuse me, I have to pee. I have to pee. See, bad, and I'm not kidding this time. Come on, I really gotta go. Come on, with you, hurry up. Not I have to shake my monster. Or to drain my lizard, to squeeze the whiz, to drain the vein, or to chalk the chicken.

What kind of talk is this to chalk the chicken? I don't talk like that. Do you? I don't. Do you? I don't. No. Why do they have to ruin, even to make love, they ruin?

They ruined. My God, I hurt my throat. I can't go on. The arrogant, the big mouth husband. What did I tell you last, man, Lee? 40 years, 30 years. Excuse me, fellas, I have to go home. What year does this come out?

To pork my wife. What kind of talk is this to pork a person? But think about it. This was 97, 2,000, this is 30 years ago. And he's still out there doing harm, baby. That's great. Can you imagine 37 years of your lifely? No.

That's in wild. Here, this is good. The sherber to slam the hem, to slap the monkey, to yodel in the canyon, to squeeze the whiz, to smack little Johnny behind the ear. What? After kicks, dice, this is brilliant. You don't know how lucky we are to be around. I was just going to say, it gives me chills sometimes because we do forget. I forget.

I never forgot this shit. And he didn't like me in the beginning. You know, and that broke my heart. Really? But if I were to go to prison, I think I'd like to be in the same cell with you. Maybe we could just dance, who knows? The night is young, the cell, she's also small. Oh, can't you hear me screaming in the night?

Ah, is this all... What happens when you turn gay? He always talk about a guy turning gay, like he was the wolf man or something. Oh yeah, I heard he turned gay. Oh, right. Oh, ah, ah! Hi! Oh my god, he turned gay.

Oh my god, he turned gay. He was a lumberjack this morning. I gotta go out and knock down some threes. I'll be back. He comes back in. Oh, this place is a mess. It's so busy. Straight and gay is an interesting phenomenon. You never see two straight guys dancing with each other. You'll see gay guys straight women. You never see two straight guys. Hey, ow! Big Al! Would you care to boogie? Hey, come over here and wrap those construction worker meat hooks around my big, hairy, mold-filled muscle. bound back, Alan, spin me, will you?

Spin me like you know I like to be spinned. Hold me like you know I need to be held out. Come on, put your hairy manhooks on me, big boy. You know what's crazy about comedy that I think a lot of people don't realize is he still does that. I have a school for Italians. He still does some of these jokes. But in a different manner. No, the opposite.

What I was going to say is people just don't, I don't think people necessarily realize so much like once it's crafted. I mean, sometimes you still add to stuff forever, but like some of these jokes he does, every beat word is exactly the same, which is just, it's like people think sometimes we just make it up in the moment. I know lots of people, somebody said to me the other day, I saw, I saw Christa Lee, I can believe

he just made everything up, because it looks that easy. He sells it. You have to sell it. It looks that easy. Yeah. Christolea is very good. I know.

And he sells it. Let's do a little Tony Bennett, cock's sucker. It is funny, man. We just are so lucky. I really do. Do take it for granted. I got to tell you my Chappelle story after the, are you doing a break? No, we're doing a little fucking Tony about what's going on here, Lee.

It's Tuesday, April 2nd. You got another shot. You'll start from zero. Here we go, baby. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart. as I'm a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with Lee. You know, I talked, Lee came to the gigs with me.

You know, I talked, Lee came to the gigs with me last night, and I'm happy that he's doing stand-up. But I'm also happy that he's on a journey. A journey is so fucking important in life sometimes. And it's a journey that had highs and lows. So it's not always glamorous. You know, when I took me to Denver with me, I put him up at the condo, at the Comedy Works. And when the comics found out, I could see how they reacted.

You know what I'm saying? Because most people have to work for 20 years to go in that condo. Oh, really? But I get to show you the highs and the lows. of going from, you know, that to go into the ice house. And even for you, you went from doing comedy in front of 10 comics to doing comedy in front of 100 paid ticket people. Yeah, that's amazing.

Yeah, it's amazing. They applauded for you. They brought you up. So sometimes people miss this whole thing. This is Dom Herrera, and I can't tell from me, is it, 1987 and 97? 80. That's 30 fucking years ago. Let's say he was already doing comedy seven or eight years at the time

That means he's been in this business for 30 Could you admit imagine Lee doing anything for 38 years? No, it's my whole life like it's more than my whole life And I remember saying to you in the call like how fast the college go You did college in four years correct? I actually did it fast I didn't three but I just It like these seven years that have been in LA six with you been It goes by quicker than you think.

It goes by very fast. That's what comics don't understand. I could tell that those comics that were in the room last night, excuse me, I've been doing comedy anywhere from eight to nine years. What room where were you? At Mooney's Cafe. Oh. Roomies, I think, something like that.

It's one of Irene's room. And these guys are doing comedy between eight and ten years. You think so? You know, it could be four to six. It doesn't matter because at that point, how long have you been doing comedy? About eight years, seven, eight years. Did you have any doubts? Sure.

But when I first started, I did. What years did you have your doubts? At what points? I still go through moments, but for real, like, the first two years I did comedy, I would get so nervous. And I've been on stage my whole life. But, I mean, I would wake up in the morning if I had a show at eight, I'd be nauseous all day.

So nervous I'd want to cancel. And sometimes I would. So I just thought I shouldn't be doing this or I wouldn't feel this way. But then every time I'd go on, I would do okay. Well enough that it would be fun. And I'd want to do it again. But then the next day, the anxiety would fucking start all over again. But I was also married at the time.

And my ex was really trying to tell me like what to kind of say and stuff. Not on purpose. But he was like, don't do jokes about my family. Don't do blah, blah, blah, whatever. Once I got divorced, I'm telling me. telling you, I think it's going through the divorce was so hard. I was like, if I can deal with this, I can fucking do comedy. And I just wanted it different. And I didn't care anymore either because I didn't care about being famous. When I moved to L.A., I cared about being famous.

I was a kid. I wanted to be famous. I came out here. I started working whatever, acting, commercials, little modeling. And then I started doing comedy for real. When I started realizing how much I loved comedy when I started kind of get it, be myself on stage. It started clicking. Every ounce of wanting to be famous went away. I didn't care anymore. Where was the first place you got on stage at? First place I ever got on stage was room five, doing stand-up, room five, which is Acme

Comedy School has like a side room on La Brea in L.A. That was the first. The second place was a comedy store. It was a bringer show at the comedy store, which for people who don't know means basically like you get to go on stage, but you have to bring like, make 10-year, friends come watch you and they hate you because you make them keep coming back you're like you have to come see me again or they won't let you on stage if they don't show up so your fucking friends are going broke in there wait put your fucking Jesus pray joey just pulled his balls out again i got you i am

i got me too this is a me too moment you owe me now you owe me a thousand dollars do you know how much trouble i'm in by the way for us on stage i do me two jokes and i honestly really said in Ohio if anyone wants to jerk off in front of me for like $500,000 meet me in the hallway after the show and people are mad. Listen, nobody's jerked you off. It's like trick-a-tree.

If you want to pull your balls down. I just had to do it to you. I hate you. It was such a serious talker having. It was a real moment. It was a real moment. Because I had you turn around and then you look back into it

so it's a mistake. I hope your butt cheeks were on camera. No, there was no butt cheeks. It's like looking right into the sun. It's like my eyes. are burned nobody sees nothing you know what I'm saying nobody saw nothing but you should put your butt cheeks out at least give the people a show it's just a hairy asshole that's brown it's got for you you ever look inside a tree you ever cut a tree

and yeah and you ever look inside a tree and it has the circles around from all the years that's what your but hole looks like every year it gets a new circle it gets new circles it's filters it's 50 years of fucking shit what do you think your asses oh god damn you have a beautiful ass heart this point I'm not gonna lie i have a nice butthole but i don't bleach it yeah of course no you don't need to bleach it we want

that color we want to see the brownness it's not that brown she's the little tan i have a nice butthole i'm not what do you mean of course you've taken a picture of your butthole i'm never take a picture of my butthole yeah but you're a guy no one wants a picture of your butthole who wants a picture of a man's butthole disgusting someone asked just for a picture of your

butthole let me explain something to you way you've never asked your girlfriend take a picture of her like butthole or her pussy don't get them started wait wait if you were going to to go to fucking zip line with with fucking Marla, whatever, Carla, what's her name?

Carla? Paula? Paula? Your ex-girlfriend. And you were in the bathroom. And also you got a text from fucking Kate Quigley. And there was a picture of a asshole

and she has come over. What would you do? Right that and that. I don't send it like that. Are you going to fucking go ziplining or you're going to zip line your way to Kate's asshole? Which one is it going to be?

Stop. I would zip line my way to Kate's asshole via fucking electrical cords. Oh my god. My asshole is not like, I don't just send it randomly, but yeah. How do you get a good shot of the asshole? It's not easy.

It's a lot of mirror work. It's not easy. You got to do a lot of mirror work. You got to put the camera. Is a selfie stick or something? No, you just, you know, I practice with my iPad. She's got long arms. She's got long arms and short pockets.

I recently lost my iPad, by the way. I have no idea where. And I know for sure there's some dirty shit on there. So I hope no one finds it. But look, you ruined my beautiful moment of my beautiful moment of, the first bringer show I ever did you know who had to follow? First time at the comedy store

Main room Bring her show I was so fucking nervous sitting in the main room or in the green room because you know Legends have been in there and if you're a comedy fan

you feel like just lucky to even be in there like now we take it for granted like we're saying like now I'm friends with Dyson Domit we forget how lucky we are but I'm sitting in there

waiting to go up and I hear a guy like clearing his throat in the bathroom in that green room bathroom. I'm like, oh shit, someone's in here. And then he comes out and it's Michael Richards. Michael Richards, Kramer. And he's like, hey, what's up? He was just as weird as like on Seinfeld. And I was so new to L.A. I'd been here like six months. I was, I didn't know what to do. So I

kind of froze. I was like, hi. And then he goes, do you mind if I go up before you? I got to get out of here. And in my head, I was like, fuck, I don't want to follow Michael Richards. I'm terrible. I've done comedy once, literally once. But I'm like, uh, whatever, whatever you want, man, go ahead. So he went up. He did fine. He actually just was like reading jokes almost. But then like two nights later is when that stuff went down. It was right after that, that stuff went down with him where he got in trouble for like saying the N-word, wherever, laugh factory, whatever. But that was my first time at the store. Second time I think I had to follow Dave Attell. That's what people don't get about doing comedy in L.A. You could be on your third show and fucking Ron White drops in wants to go up in front of you,

Bill Burt, whoever, and you just have to go on. How many years have you been doing comedy for now? Now, like almost eight. Eight years. Yeah. What do you feel is going on right now in your career? Now. Like, first off, you're here.

It's good right now. You could be in Michigan right now doing comedy for eight years, and you're doing the one-nighter circuit for what's his name, and you're also doing feature act right now. You'd be in the midway. You'd be called headlining. They told me to only feature. They told me to only feature for like you and a couple of people.

They said feature for those people, otherwise headlining. I feel honestly really good lately because something just changed for me. You know what it was? I let go. There's a moment on stage and you know it. They call it finding your voice in comedy, whatever. But it's like I just started being myself. I feel now on stage the same as I feel offstage.

What we say I? Will we not talking about this? Yeah. How many times a week do you get on stage, can on an average, do you think? Now, if I'm in L.A. I try to get up at least five nights. Five nights. Once or twice a night. I used to do, I used to try to get up every night.

The first, like, three years. It's the weirdest thing, and Lee's going through it now. You have to get up. The wake-up process, and the first thing you think about is your feet hit the ground is where am I going on stage tonight? Yeah. That's when you know, you have a problem. Yeah.

Like, as you're showering, you're like, it's Tuesday night. We've got the rusty onion. I got Lee Syracan. I'm not looking at my phone. I'm trying to count my spots from last week. Because I'm in the spot that Kate was a few years ago. Like yesterday I did four spots,

but like it's crazy. You did four yesterday and one day? Yeah. Good job, dude. I may have a job for you, Lee. I may have a fucking invention for you. An invention? Yeah.

All right. It worked for me. No, it works for me. And I think I want to pass it on to young comics. I love that. I've been learning a lot from young comics lately. You know it made me film. love with stand-up again. It made me realize that feeling of wanting what I have now,

which is crazy. Like when you're, there's a part in stand-up where you give yourself PTSD. You basically do. You go like this though, don't you think? There's times you're like, oh, all this new shit. Like lately all my stuff has been hitting and I feel great about it and I feel like it's original and it's like vulnerable and I'm at a place right now where I'm loving it. And Lee, once you get deeper into comedy, you got to cut the psychiatrist and let the stage become your psychiatrist. That's dangerous. And it's very dangerous. Well, I'm doing that and it's not going very well.

It's very dangerous, but it's lethal because let me tell you something, that'll push your limit. Great for comedy. That'll push your limit. Now that you're not seeing the psych, you're used to talking about those things. So one night when you're dying on stage. Should I keep in a look in therapy and just write down what I'm saying? No. You know you talk to your therapy.

Can I say that I find my best bits on the nights that like it happens sometimes laugh factory when I do late late Fridays like 1230 and I don't really care because there's only 20 people left and I don't even do material a lot of the time I go up whatever's going on in my life like that week. But you do get to a point and you know where you've been on stage enough you know the cadence to make them laugh even if it's not a joke you know you can make them laugh. Right you know you can make them laugh. Yeah so I go up and I will talk through shit that's going on and that's how I find because I can't sit down. I've never been able to sit down and write jokes in my life. And they don't work. The ones that work are the ones that you just come from the heart. That's what Joey told me last night. You just be real. I watched.

Real. I sat in the call with Lydia and he picked me up or something. And, you know, Lee and I goof around and we get high. But we also, I learned from Lee and he learned from me. And he's 30 years younger than I am. I learned from you young guys. So I told me the truth I said you know what for a guy who just went through a breakup

You don't seem like you're fucking You know I thought the first week I was gonna come here to tears and Yeah he seems fine He seems fine That can't be real And he is a moment of sadness I'm not gonna lie but overall

Which proves to me he really wasn't in love Or he's high all the time But I know he's not high at all He does plus he's doing comedy like seriously He had it 13 times in five days He's putting himself in weird positions That helps And then I grab him from time to time and put him in front of his audience.

It's awesome. You should have seen his applause last night at the ice house. And it's so weird that he's learning from two worlds. I'm keeping them in two worlds. Like when I first started acting, fuck. Fuck. The first movie I did was basketball where they do everything for you. But tie your shoelaces.

They bring the clothes to your trailer. Then the second movie I did, I did Mad TV. and then I did like a couple NBC shows and a couple of co-stars but then I did like taxi with Queen Latifah and where people come up to you and like is there anything you need there's three waters in there and if you need anything and then I got Spider-Man too which was basically the license to steal

as an actor on Fridays they had lobster tails oh I know it's the best instead of eating salad all the fucking regular people beat salad. I would eat 15 lobster. Hell yeah, because you're a comic. I was three fucking 80. I didn't give a fuck. You know, like I went out there. It was to steal food for movie sets my first two years

living year. I was an extra. I would take a suitcase and fucking take everything home, everything. You remember when pomegranate was big juice? Yeah. I would take, remember it was like $3 for a little bottle. They would have it by the half gallon jug, the good stuff. Oh my God. And I would just take it to my room

and drink pomegranate juice all fucking day. You know, so what I'm trying to say is I remember that when I would walk into Spider-Man too, they paid a guy just to open the door for you. Shut up. But that's all he did. He was union. They also paid a guy to stand there and tell you not to step on the courts when you were

walking. And then once you got in there, Lee, a guy grabs you. Lee, hi. My name is Morty. Come with me. Hi, hi. How's your day going? Great.

Did you get some lunch? Yes. Okay. Here we are. Sam. Here's Lee. How you doing, Sam? Very nice to meet you.

Do what you did in the audition. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. And you go in there and in-between takes. A girl comes up to you and puts makeup on you and wipes the sweat from your eyebrow because you shouldn't. You don't even have to touch your eyebrow. Yeah. I know. They come over and they do everything for you.

And then from there, I went to the longest yard. Where I had girls that looked like you as umbrella girls. Sevens. Do you know what that's like? An umbrella girl. I know. With a bikini. It looked like.

Kate, so any move I would make, that'd be a girl with an umbrella because Adam didn't want the sun to hit you. And then there was another girl. Then there was another girl that looked like you. That's a power troupe. Yeah, because the he didn't want you to look in between scenes. She got to be comfortable. But it's awesome that it was hot girls. And then he had another girl. That's weird actually. Then he had another girl that would come to your trailer, basically put the shoulder pads on you, tie up your shoulder pads, help you with your shirt, make sure you look good. They had this every morning. I mean, they had a girl that came up to you with a tray. Like, you know, in the 50s when girls would sell cigarettes? Yeah. They would have girls that came

up to you and they would have protein smoothies, diet smoothies, protein drinks, shots of wheat grass, shots of fucking turmeric with all this shit. By the way, a shout out to the greenhouse on Lancashem. The fucking hot antioxidant bowl, the assaye bowl is one of the best I've ever had. You understand me? You must really like them because you never get free jobs like that. You must love that place. No, these people fucking love it. But my point being that, wow, this was crazy. This was crazy.

And then there was a movie drop. I got into like a little movie drop. I got into American gangster. I got into a couple movies, but it really wasn't. I wasn't there for a long time. And then my career crashed. And I got a call one day. And they said, listen, can we meet you for lunch?

and they took me to some shitty fucking place and at Water Village that sucked and they go listen we want you for this row I did the table read for the roll like a year and a half early and as I walked out I told the guy I go listen this role was made for me and they go we know

so when I went through meet with them it was like we didn't get the money we wanted it's going to be $100 a day instead of scale love it you have to work 28 days in a row because you only had Thursdays off. They scheduled it like that for Thanksgiving.

We shot in November. And they said, we have one other issue. Your cocaine problem. You told me this. And my body dropped like everything. And they go, we know about your problem. We want you to take the script home, read it, and give us a call in the morning and let us know

this is something you're interested in because if you can't miss a minute of this, Yeah, you had to quit drugs. It's one scene in one room. So if you don't show, we can't shoot. Were you doing that much blow that you would just miss days? No, no, no, no, no. At this point, I was always on time.

Towards the end of the longest, y'all. It was a problem because they wanted to double check with me that they like, and that hurt my feelings. Okay, that's like me coming up to you and going, I got this TV role for you. I want you to play a series regular. but I can't have you doing a particular thing if you're going to do this because I want you to be

at the top of your game. I kind of get it though. I couldn't act on... I can't have you there at 9 in the morning and hung over. So we're going to shoot three weeks straight. And what I'll do is if you show up nice and everything, I'll give you 5 Gs to go on vacation for your big bag of blow. In fact, when you get to where you go and I have a bag of blow away

if you're in the hotel. Get it out of your system. suck 20 dicks and when you report back to work on monday you're kate quigley the fucking actress you know what i'm saying like yeah well i don't think there's two big differences there's two big differences yeah and that's what we that's the mistakes we make once the success gets a little higher you're now in vip rooms people are giving you free vodka they're giving you free blow and that's the traps of the business it's so funny you said that because i've said this like it's weird everything you're saying today I've been talking about lately.

I was talking about this with someone recently because I said all the comics I know who are the most successful are pretty much sober. Like maybe a little weed, whatever, maybe a drink every here and there, but either totally sober or mostly sober. And I think there is a point, you're right,

because you get to a point that I don't know if people realize where, and I'm kind of there right now. I feel like I'm there right now. I'm right on the brink of making something that'll probably make me a lot of money I feel like my comedy's getting right where I want it to be. I feel right on the edge of like something,

but I'm so busy. I'm doing so much. I'm so overwhelmed. I need an assistant so bad, but I can't afford it. No, you don't need an assistant. You have to do all this work. I know, but here's...

Who the fuck are you to get an assistant? No, no, no, I like your girlfriend a lot. She's awesome. I think that she would be a great assistant. She would if I could afford her. Four hours a week. She's fucking great. She's a great lady.

She's such a good makeup artist. I'd hate to take her away. You know what? I don't even know what. I would hire her to take care of me. She's amazing. I feel very warm around. She's such a good person.

We have a lot of history together, like not history. We both lived in Denver. In Boulder and in Seattle. And we both have great memories of it. She's just really sweet. It's somebody who I would never hire an assistant. I could never give them that title. I could never send somebody to the dry cleaners.

I can never go leave. Can you get me a water and make sure it's Perrier? or I need an egg white omelet. I don't want that. I would never do that to somebody. That's demoralizing. I don't want that. If Lee comes to me and he goes, dog, I'm going to the taco stand.

I'm going to get 22 fucking tacos. You might as well get something. Yeah, get me something. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But I would never want an assistant to go. I don't, I just mean like some. Bro, I knew assistants that were walking dogs.

No, I would never do that. Like walking fucking dogs. That's just lazy. Picking up that dog shit. That's just, there's nothing that wants to get me in this business. No. I didn't learn anything from that lesson. That's just pure fucking abuse.

I agree. I like an assistant. If you come to me and you go, listen, bro, I want to be tip top notch podcasting. How can I help you? That's what I mean, though. How can I come to the show and I go, well, you know what? You go out every night? Yeah, I'm 50.

I don't go out any night. Why don't you do a segment on the L.A. club scene once a month and come in every night. And, you know, little by little, once you come in and go, Joey, I got this club to sponsor me, this club will buy us dinner whenever we want to because that's all it is that's what i mean obliterity is such a scam it's not even just that but like that's what i mean like for instance my podcast the podcast is doing really well and i'm really happy but i don't have time to like chase down sponsors and like it's just i feel spread thin is what it is so like a producer for the podcast i could do those things but there's a weird point in entertainment i think everyone gets

to where you're starting to pop and you're getting busy but you're not making that money yet And it's, I think that's when a lot of people start abusing drugs, drinking too much because they get overwhelmed. And I said this to my friend the other day, I go, I feel at this point in my career where I could go one of two ways, get way more sober or go down a bad road because I'm like taking too much adderol or doing whatever it is to like get everything done. And that shit is what I think kills. I feel like I have so many friends that were right about to pop and then got a drug problem. And then they just disappeared. And I feel like they would have made it. Well, let me tell you something.

From 2004 to 2007, my drug problem was totally out of control. Like, I wish I knew what I knew now would have documented just to show you what my eyes look like. You could see the pain in my eyes of wanting to get out of this addiction. But at the same time, I was doing little things that kept me here. In your addiction. In my addiction that they kept me here. And I had my addiction to a check where I wasn't bringing it on the stage. I wasn't doing it in the daytime.

My shit started at 8 o'clock. At night after your spot. And I would, no, I needed it in my pocket before the spot. But you didn't do it before the spot, I mean. That's what I mean. It would be in my pocket. And I, you know, you never want to be a fucking hypocrite, but I always want to tell you the truth.

Yeah. I saw a whole comedy scene get eaten up by, alcoholism and partying and stupidity because when they came to Los Angeles they realized that this wasn't what it was about it's like an appearance it's really weird even me with like reefer

yeah I love to smoke my refa but I do my work I know what you mean Lee pays me the biggest compliment anybody's ever paid me he says that out of all the people he does business with the only guy that sticks for everything is a guy who went to prison for armed kidnapping you are so professional

because we have to and you are too I see the hustle you wouldn't be on this show I know if I didn't think you were hustling as crazy as the bikini pictures

pissing on the tennis court that's what it's all part of it right that's the image it's a heightened version of my real personality it's just a little heightened but yeah because it's all part

of the business you get it and I think that there's a lot of women like I told Lee last night I go the experience in comedy the long jump in comedy is finding your voice. Yep. Finding your voice is so important.

I'll tell you why, because you do, you have your voice down to 60%. You're doing comedy 10 years. You got 60% of your voice. And your stupid agent will come see you. And he'll go, Kate, hi. Me and my assistant was talking, and we think you should stop doing that raunchy material. and maybe switch it up to being a family,

how you want to switch to being a family girl, but now you can't meet a guy. This is the show we're pitching, and they make you adjust your material. You know, I love Tim Allen. Yeah. I think Tim Allen opened up a lot of doors for me. When I found out that Timmy,

have you seen early Tim Allen on videos? Not really before the shit about when he'd go to the dentist the night before he would eat sour cream and Oreos and... No, I don't think. And he would open up his mouth and eagles would fly out. Tim Allen was a funny motherfucker. That's funny when I was a kid. Think about this.

Think about the transition he made from working dirty to doing ABC. Now he became this icon in this eye. Family television. But behind the scene, he had a skeleton in the closet. Sure. He liked that cocaine. And for a lot of people, sometimes you have to be careful. what you wish for because it comes true.

Now, you can't handle it. Yep. You can't handle it. And I was one of those people. I was not ready for the longest yard. When I got the longest yard, I was not ready for it. And the smoke that got blown up my ass while I was shooting it was so strong, Kate, that I thought once July, May 25th come out, my life would change.

And guess what happened? Nothing changed. Nothing. I know. I got one audition. I got one audition. Kate, is how crazy I got. I got one audition that a guy like me moves in with a guy like Lee

because Lee can't find a job after college and I'm totally crazy. And it said everything in the audition but blow. Like the guy does drugs and he drinks and he doesn't pay his rent on time and Lee's frustrated with him. And I remember going, you know what? I'm going to go into this role and stay. up all night you told me this I remember this is crazy like this is so the short then the story is this once you get to a certain level of comedy that people are paying for you and they want the best version of you it's cool to get drunk and all that stuff but you really got to

be in the top of your game yeah and for the people listening who don't want to hear this i'm to tell you truth. It's basically an illusion to get you through the door. Yeah, I mean, I party a little after, but I'm not crazy like people think at all. I want you to come see me because I'm funny. Also, I'm way better sober. Not because I smoke a lot of weed. Listen, I love to roll 10 joints and leave them on stage. I could do an hour and smoke three or four of those joints and be in my top of my game while I'm smoking because it's the real me. I would love to have endless joints here. and just be able to talk and smoke and put them away and buy it out of a sandwich and then go back to doing coffee. But you're not as quick when you're doing that.

Like you're so funny. No, you're quick. You think you're quicker stoned? I'm not. I'm slow. No, no, no, no. There's a point of being stoned. What Lee and I were doing for years on this podcast was not fucking funny anymore.

We were getting to the point where we were going beyond our limits. It slowed the tone of the podcast. So we decided just to stop. cut it down now the handles of THC we can handle. I can tell. It's better. No, it's been a lot better. We're trying to get there.

We have to be more professional. You have to clean up your act. And these are the distinctions that you make on your own. You have to decide what envelope you're going to push. Lee and I, for five years, this was endless. How high can we get Lee? And Lee would say shit that you'd sit here and go, what the fuck is he talking about? Because the poor guy was in Santa Maito.

friends look at him now he's pretty high today though not as bad though you're not no not no not we took a lot of bong hits today which is I think still I think that's what you've upped a little bit yeah and you know today when I walked in here I was a little discombobulated I was tired so was I and I took a nap I even told Lee I called Lee and I go Lee I got to get something to eat and let me tell you something with my wife gone it is a fucking pain he oh my god can I tell them what you called me and said the other day because I laughed so fucking hard he calls me we're talking he's like like man my wife's out of town i almost blew up the house today and i was like doing what he's like

loading the dishwasher how do you even blow up a house and you were so serious i hung up the phone was like how the fuck i was thinking for like 10 minutes about how to blow up a house loading a dishwasher i'm the type of dude and you said you had one cat that was extra anxious that you were trying to like calm down your life is hilarious dimmy dimmy because he loves my one dimmy is a cat that he was bleeding All right, so this is a tough story this guy. It was a fucking cat that was fucking two different, one cat, and he kept getting a pregnant. And then he waited until the cat kittens,

and was six months old, and he started fucking these girls. So the whole father was fucking these cats, and he was knocking them up when they were six months, seven months old, and they started spitting out kittens. Okay. And one day one of the really, really pretty Siamese ones spit out like six kittens. and they were living on top of a roof because he would kill the males.

Oh, wow. Because the quicker he could kill the kittens. Yeah, the quicker he could kill the kittens, she'd go back to breastfeeding, which means she'd get back to Bacalooch. He could get rid of a little stabbing in. So my wife was sitting out the day before we took Harry upstairs. Harry was a cat that one day he was so smart. He stood in front of the door, and he just me meow, like one of those Trump supporters,

until somebody brought him upstairs. And I remember walking downstairs, leaving, coming back, he was still meow. And at 5 o'clock ago, honey, this cat's not stopped. We brought him upstairs and he fell asleep for two days. That's how much you had meowed that day. That's cute. That's how much he did meow for eight years after that.

That's cute. or whatever in Hollywood, whatever the fuck she was doing. And she saw a kitten fall off a roof. And when it landed, he hurt his nose. And he was bleeding. And the mother jumped off the roof to see how he was. And since he was bleeding, she left him behind because she couldn't have him protect her kittens

if he was bleeding. The cats could sense that and other animals could sense it. So she left him there. So Demi didn't know how to get back up on the roof. So my wife scooped them up, brought him upstairs with his fucked up little nose. This is a true story. Brought him upstairs. I was out of town.

But she goes, she laid him in the room next to Harry. They were brothers. And Harry went up to him, bit him on the nose again, just to fuck. No way. Yeah. I thought you were going to say something sweet. And Demi started crying and my wife took him. And on paper, I have to tell you people something.

You may think I'm crazy. The bond between Dimmy and my wife is something that it makes you love the aunt. Like, I don't understand the science. I love the science of having a pet, whether it's a dog, a cat. Like, I just spoke to one of the toughest people I've ever known in my life. And he said his parrot died over the holidays, and it killed him for two months. He goes, that parrot was my best friend. I would pet him, I would put him on my shoulder.

He goes, whenever I would do coke, I would tell him to shut the fuck up because he would attract the people. The parent would go, what are you doing? What are you doing? He goes, shut the fuck up. They're going to find me. You know, the whole thing. We got attached to pets.

Pets are so healthy for you. If you do the benefits of owning a pet, they say it adds years to your life. That's right here. And Dimmie and my wife are fucking inseparable. Like if a cat lays next to my wife for a long time, Dimmie will try to attack that cat. He don't like that shit. He's number one cat to my wife.

And he torments my wife until she gets out of bed to the moment she jumps back in that bed. Aw, I want to pet. While she's been gone, he has been waiting by the door for her. he always lays on the couch by the living room and Evie and the other female lay in that chair. He's been waiting on top of the chair for my wife for the last four nights. Since she left. And then when I put my shit in the office, I know I can't hang in the office because he's going to help me down.

And he'll sit there and meow at me. And what he's basically asking me is where to fucking mom? It's the crazy. The craziest thing to interpret. I know people listening and going, Joey, you're out of your mind. No, that's real. She saved his life. It's really weird that he'll chase me it.

So now what I do is I put my jacket away. I close my office door and I go in the living room. And as soon as I turn the TV on, he jumps on my lap and I pet him. And I got to tell him I know Mommy misses you. It's weird. No, that's normal. He misses you. He plays with me for a little while.

Then he goes, he drinks some water and he comes back and he sits next to me until I go to bed. But I hear him and his brother, his brother, Harry, Mrs. Mercy. So two nights in a row, I have to come out of four in the morning go, Harry, knock it off. Because he'll sit outside. It's like having a baby. Oh, my God. He'll sit outside Mercy's door and meowing for Mercy to open the door. And usually Mercy opens the door, and he jumps in bed with her and they go to bed.

It's animals. They bond. It's a special bond. They're a fucking weird thing. I've never had a thing. an animal like adopting and you know you just the only problem is guys that when you get an animal your commitment changes it's like your life changes because now you got to be home it depends on the animal did i ever tell you the only pet i had in l.a did i tell the snail story on here no oh fuck no i had

snails that was the only pet i ever had because i never saw a snail before i moved to l a They don't live where I lived in Ohio, and they were everywhere in my building in Venice. And I just thought they were, I was fascinated with snails. This sounds so stupid, but I thought the only place I'd ever seen one was like Alice in Wonderland, like fairy tales. And I was so young, by the way, I was like 24. But I went out one day, and I saw someone had stepped on one. And it was like dead. And I was so upset about it that every time I would see one, I would bring it inside.

Sounds like something an eight-year-old would do. I bought a tank. I made a house for it. I put little castles in there and stuff. And I had three snails. Stella, LeBron, and Clyde. Okay? So I fucking put these three snails in there.

And they're just amazing. And they're easy to keep alive. Spinach, cucumbers. That's all you have to feed them, right? I ended up killing one by accident because I did research. I wanted to give them the best food. And they said eggshells. So I took an egg shell.

I cracked it in half thinking that it could, like, chill out in there. And one of them went to call. I'm in, you know what happened? The edge of the shell, it like cut his head off almost. It, like, impaled itself on the shell. And I came home and I saw and I cried. I felt so guilty. Which one?

Because I killed it. Clyde. He was the first one. I knew it was going to be Clyde. Those O.J. fucking eggshells and shit. So he dies, but this gets so much better. Which, by the way, the snails are like me because all I really eat is like cucumbers and spin. I felt like they were my people, like the perfect pet.

So I come home. Now I have his Clyde and Stella. I mean LeBron and Stella? I mean, yeah, LeBron and Stella. Thank you. LeBron was like a huge black snail. They would not stop fucking. Have you ever seen snails fuck?

Not recently. It's disgusting. Like, it would make me nauseous to watch it. One gets on top of the other, and there's a little hole in one's like sludgy part, body part, and it sticks. They stick on their humping all day. Kate, what disturbs me is you probably got popcorn and watched it. No, I was. It's so gross.

You would think that, but I was actually grossed out. So I ended up separating them. I put them in two tanks. That's so mean. I couldn't stand watching it, dude. It was disgusting. Can't stop LeBron and Marla's a little. Yeah, but then here's what happened.

You know what I found out? A couple months. I had them for months, like two, three months. Snails are hermaphrodites. They can fuck themselves. Did you know that? They have male and female body parts. They can produce babies alone.

So I separated them. How many snail babies do you have? Well, they were fucking so much. I was scared they were going to have tons of babies. So I separated them. And then one of them got pregnant alone. And you know how many baby snails have at one time? Like 100, like tons.

I came home from a trip. There's fucking little snail eggs all over the tank. So I had to decide whether to keep them or kill them. Oh, my God. So I couldn't keep them because there's too many in the tank. So what did you do? I had to abort them. I had to abort snail babies.

I feel guilty still. I actually feel guilty. I had to kill. I washed them out. They were like this big around, but they were so, they were covering the tank. If I let them grow,

it was going to be like. You're still talking to your psychiatrist. No, Joey, that's what the stage is for, remember? Let me give some shout-outs to my boy. Joy Alvarado, Ketul Jitsu. He's running up special over there.

Give him a shout-out. He's a great fucking jiu-jitsu teacher, and a great guy. My man, Quadrex, always on it. Harry Patzococos. No, pirate Pirate stick.

Pirate stick. Mr. 52, Pamela Mooney. My man Ben Saund is still in the game down there in Orlando. Fucking still in the fight. I love you. Nicholas Dentado. Happy birthday to my man from Skank. Lewis J. Gomez.

I love you. My favorite Puerto Rican. And I want to give a shout out to Pat Shea. Don't forget, April, 14th, working out with Uncle Joey at the motherfucking Ice House, and then 419, the funny bone with Kay Quigley in Columbus, motherfucking Ohio. 420, Kate's going to be all edible to up and shit. Jesus Christ. Don't worry about nothing.

The story of the week is this, that it's funny. You travel a lot. Your agent's getting you a lot of work with it. Yeah, it's great. And you like headlining? I love headlining. How do you feel about headlining? It's so fun because you just have so much time to, it's great.

you know what it's made me every time I come back to L.A. and get up again here, I realize how much I grow just every weekend on the road. You grow so fast when you're headlining because you have so much time and I do a lot of crowd work and I find new jokes all the time. So I love it, you know? Joey's going to peeve. I really want to tell this Chappelle's story.

I got to wait for him to come back. What else can we talk about while Joey's gone? No, but it's funny. Give me one. Oh, wait, can I promote my gigs? Because I didn't even do that while Joey's gone. If you're in New York City, come Wednesday to see me at Carolines on Broadway and then at the stress factory over the weekend in Jersey, Thursday through Saturday, and Philly Helium Sunday. This tequila is hitting me. I'm a little buzz. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, a little bit. Very nice. Well, it's funny you mentioned doing more time because that's the one thing. Whenever people talk to me about being scared about doing comedy, one of the things they say is like, oh, I don't know what to say for five minutes. And now that I've been doing it for a few months, I love when I get to do more than five minutes because five minutes is no time. now. Yeah. I mean, it's so nice getting to headline too because you have certain bits. Like, there's certain bits that I've been doing forever that I know will work. And I'm bored of doing them, honestly, just bored of it. But it's cool because when you're headlining, if you want to,

you can like try adding a whole bunch of tags to it. I do new jokes. I'll read tweets sometimes, not read them, but I'll try, like, Twitter jokes. Like, I just, it's, there's no pressure headlining. There's pressure the first night. You don't want to bomb or anything. But it's not like, like LA where the room's all industry either. It's regular people. It's my favorite thing. And I like to meet people. There's no industry at the rooms I go to. Shut up. Yes, there is. Like at the comedy store.

Well, yeah, when I'm lucky enough to do the comedy store the eyes house, maybe. No, it's funny. You've been doing comedy eight years, you said. Yeah. Let me tell you something. I didn't become, and I'm not saying nothing negative to you. I already know what you're going to say. I'm lucky. It's early. No, because it's funny how right now you're going into the beginnings of your headlining. Yeah. You now you it's like when you become a black belt now you start getting it oh shit now I have to really learn this game like when I started headlining I was I was still playing to the back of the room yeah the back of the room was I was the king of making comedians laugh not the people who pay money for your tickets it's a really weird science people that are listening at home and I had to learn when I first got the longest yard I started getting close the headline and I was

It was just horrific. It was just horrific. Well, I definitely got to headline before I should have. No offense to these people, because I'm so grateful now. But three years ago, I featured at the House of Comedy in Phoenix. This is the first real club to let me headline. I'd headline, you know, you get like gigs at bars, whatever. They're like little one-nighters.

But I featured for somebody at House of Comedy, and I just guessed I got real lucky and had a great weekend featuring. And Tammy Bronson called me. me on the way back to LA and said, hey, we got such great feedback from you. We want to give you a headliner date. It was like six months later, something she offered me. We want to give you a headliner weekend. She's like, have you headlined a good room before? And I was like, not a club like yours, not a whole weekend, never. And she was like, well, you know what? We like to break people. We see potential in T.J. Miller, we are the first club to give him a weekend. She goes, I believe in

you. We're going to do it. She gave me a weekend. I was terrified that first weekend because it's just, it's such a different pressure doing a club like that versus, you know, the ranch or just some one-off place. But I grew so much just in that first weekend. And then I was just like, oh, this is the way to get good. You've got to happen. You grow at every level. Like, I was an emcee and I was featuring on the road, but I knew that to become a good headliner. I had to learn how to emcee.

A hundred percent. So I would emcee at the store on Sunday nights for the open mic. and I would do my three minutes and go back. I went back to hosting. I focused on hosting and people go, why do you do that? It doesn't matter. If Ari was already signed up with Joe to go somewhere,

Joe's a generous guy, I would go, Joe, I'm coming. And I knew I was the host. And it didn't bother me. People go, why do you do that? Because it's not the fucking position. It's the set, you dumb fuck. Yeah, I still close all time. I'm going to call Lee.

By the way, Lee caught the break of his life last night. You got laid? No. I'm even lucky than that. What happened? So last night, I don't know. I went to Irene's, me and Lee went to Irene's gig. And what I was going to do is since Irene let me do her gig, I go, Irene, come by me and do 15 minutes, let Lee do six.

At the Ice House? At the Ice House. And then, Irene, he bring me up. Yeah. Irina's room went late. So I'm sitting there, and I'm in my heyday. Because the guy's like five minutes. Irene's not coming.

And I'm like, Lee, get ready. you get a light at 12 and I knew Lee was gonna shoot his pants he'd look at me and go 12 so did you do you want me to do 12 or do you want me to do more and I was gonna give the kid at 20 and go don't give him a light in 20 minutes to just really burn his ass to really did that to him no he got lucky Diagostino was there so I took the burden off him I didn't want a shock his system yet I didn't want him falling apart and having a nervous breakdown it's so mean when comics fuck with you like that but it's also hilarious and you learn and you learn you learn you learn you learn This is a learning.

This is a learning. It's so weird how I went on the road in 2005. At that point, I'd been doing comedy 14 years. And I can honestly tell you guys that I stunk it up that summer. Stunk it up horrifically. And then I started headlining the Wednesday before Rogan would do Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And I would stay in Headline Sunday. And I did that for a while, and I was still shitty.

Like, I still didn't know how to tie the circle together. And in 2009, when I started having doubts, on Friday nights, I wasn't doing spots at the store anymore. I would get in a car and drive to Irvine and watch every comic. And, you know, I watched Patrice O'Neill. I watched. And I wouldn't even say hello to them. I would sit in the back. The manager would know I was back there, and I would watch him. And the most people I learned from were Patrice and the other kid who died.

God bless their souls. Greg Gerard. Oh, God, I love him. And I was so embarrassed. Like, I'm like, how do I consider myself a headline? I can't do what these guys are doing. And then the podcast world came in. And at that point, I was just doing ha-ha, flappers, and whatever else I could get.

People were calling me for off-the-cuff headlining jobs. And I'll never forget that I didn't become a headliner until about 2013. At that point, I was doing comedy close to 12 or 13 years, 14 years. It was 14 years where I started getting into the groove. And I still remember going to Columbus. On the first big clubs with Justin, when he became my agent. And I got to tell you something, I hit a bag of Dix all five shows. Did I make them laugh?

Absolutely. Yeah, but you knew you weren't great. No, I knew that I was in the headliner. Yeah. And I came home and I fucking... I had shows like that, too. I think I went on Netflix. And I watched a bunch of old specials.

I watched one of Hickses. I watched. And I remembered what it was. You know, when you become a headliner, that's why writers, there's a lot of comedians who are writers. I write on a show. That's great. But you ain't no fucking headliner, Jack,

because you have to become an entertainer. Yep. And that's why you sit in a room. I'm not knocking a writer. I'm not knocking a writer. No, of course not. And it's funny how sometimes people send me clips. and a couple weeks ago, Rogan was saying

Dias has become an entertainer now and it was a big compliment because it took 27 fucking years. Yep. You know, it takes eight and nine to find your voice. Remember, it's like this guy yesterday, the fucking dude that was married to Roseanne. You look beautiful tonight.

Oh, thank. Oh, Tom Arnold? Your skin looks good. Your skin looks really good. Yeah, but Tom went on a rant that Roseanne is like Trump that he went against this. I saw something about that.

He hates transgender. Tom does? Since when the, no, that Roseanne and Trump have been disgraceful of the transgenders. Come on, let's be honest, Americans. Since when the fuck did anybody give a fuck about transgender? So about six or seven years ago until they got brought into the spotlight before them. Bruce Jenner. Everybody threw fucking rocks at him or whatever.

But that's not the point. The point is that us as comedians when we first start, we do material. to please the audience, especially when we get put on the road early. Like, I saw a comic that was basically a cheerleader. Let's keep it going for the comedy staff. Okay, then he'd say something, two more jokes. Let's keep it going for the United States Army, the boys in blue.

And then who wants to do a tequila shop? Woo! So it was 20 minutes of that shit, which is air. You know what I'm saying? It's just air. And the 30 minutes were all garbage. Yep. So there's those guys.

And I remember watching those guys. guys going on all this is bad and i didn't want to be that type of headline can i just tell you and i haven't been doing it as long as you're saying you were when you felt that but this year is the first i don't mean this year since january i mean like the last year has been the first time i've really felt confident like you know there's years you know you're okay you're getting there but if someone's like so are you funny i would never be like yeah like like i just always felt like oh i'm getting there whatever always and this is the first year that I felt really confident about my sets and headlining but I know why I know why it's two things and you said basically both just now one

the shit I'm saying on stage now I care about it means something to me readily right we're talking about this last night yeah it's funny but I even say it on stage sometime I'm like I don't care if you laugh at this I need you to fucking know like I'm so passionate about what I'm talking about right now and it's changing my sets because I care. It's not just some hacky bullshit. No, people are paying to go see Kate now. You're not Joey D. as his feature set that could, you know,

when I was a feature, you call me the feature, that's a gift come true. Yeah, I still like featuring. Especially with a cool headline. Yeah. Someone who don't break your ball or whatever. All ain't got those going, do your sets. A river dirty, Joey.

See you that to the late show? Yeah, sure. Get the fuck out of. By the time I'm. hit the stage cake out her purse she's on the way to the fucking bang featuring is great because there's no responsibility yeah you can leave you're done and it's easy you're in the middle you're 20s easy show starts at 1030

you're off stage of 1115 that's true you can make plans yeah you can always make plans as a feature I'll be there by midnight how do you know because they get all stage 1115 and then you become a headliner uh on the way home again Lee referenced me about a certain friend of mine that's a headliner And he plays shitholes. And I go, that's the other three years of playing these fucking two-night bars and fucking Canada and whatever. I do both.

I'll do whatever. You have to do whatever. And then you start headlining and they're paying $15 for you. You know? Yep. And now you really owe them because now they're not there to see Dave Attell. They paid 28 to see Dave Rattel. But now they're paying 15 to see you.

And you get into a vicious cycle now. And now the next time you come, they pay 20 and you double up. Then the next time they pay 2150. And it's just, it's such an escalation. You know, it's such a, like I said, that is what has made me fall in love with stand-up again. That I see these young kids' eyes and those are my eyes. Yeah, well, I mean, that's, and that's what I was going to say too, is like, something changes when you get real.

Like, I'm so real on stage. I'm so real. People ask me and interview, you know, when you go to press, whatever, people are always like, what's your comedy? Like, I'm like, well, basically,

everything you would never want anyone to know about you, I'm gonna fucking say, because when I started getting so vulnerable and real, regardless of funny, forget funny, right? I go up,

if I'm open, vulnerable, and super passionate about what I'm saying, I have found that people always enjoy that. Whether they think you're funny or not, I mean,

funny obviously is the point, But people always come up to me afterwards. And when it changed for me is when I started getting women following me around afterwards instead of men, I knew, because guys used to follow me around because they'd be, oh, I heard your tit jokes, whatever. Women now will not leave me alone because they relate. And they're like, oh, my God, I can't believe you said that. You're crazy, but I've been that crazy.

Once they relate to you on that personal of a level, for me, that's changed it. But also what changed it is, I'm not afraid anymore to say, sit there and talk to them. I'm not afraid anymore to take control the room. If they're not a great crowd and I notice right away, I'm not afraid to like sit down and like what's going on. What's up when you think of comedy experience, do you think that the experiences from just going jokes to exposing who you are and what your true feelings are like what you really think? That's that's what I was telling me last night. For me, that's what it was. For 14 years, I was saying these, things that were funny but I wasn't telling you why and how and why I came to

this conclusion because I'm a fucking moral and I went through it and that balance is out the field that makes them feel a part of you I never wanted to feel I've been the comedy shows where the fucking guy on stage is Johnny intelligent and as a member I feel like a fucking asshole now I when I live in Seattle I learned that I'm like this fucking guy is talking down to people Or you remember a couple of his jokes, but you don't remember anything else about him. You're like, oh, I heard this funny joke. But, I mean, the thing is, too, for me, is if you're saying shit you're really passionate about, truly, and they don't like it, imagine you bomb completely.

But you know, everything you said up there, you're like, I'm so passionate about this. I'm so into this. It's getting funnier. You can at least leave and go, well, fucking passionate about all. You feel, I feel honestly, I really mean this. Like some of the stuff I'm saying right now, guys come up to me and go, I never knew that. And women are like, thank you for saying that. So funny or not, I leave and go, thank God I'm spreading this fucking message.

I feel like I care about what I'm doing. So comedy is fun. Making them laugh is fun. But then also you're like, oh, that's when you're really winning. You're playing the stress factory. Isn't that crazy? I can't believe that. Now, when you're playing that Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

Three nights. Pre-looting with Carolina. Carolines on Wednesday night in Manhattan and shit How do you feel about the big fucking apple? You know, I've done comedy in New York, but I've never headlined, but I love, I love playing. I mean, New York is amazing,

you know. I was there for a week once. I did 21 sets. Guys, let me tell you something. I don't ask you guys for a lot. I really don't. I want you guys to give Kate a fucking church salute when she's in Jersey. I don't give a fuck if you send one representative from your family. Go show it. We've had some good podcasts for Kate. grown with us over the years.

Kate is one of the original fucking podcasts. We're the original dozen. I mean, and I know for a fact that there's people that actually think that I favor you at times, which I do because I respect your work ethic.

And you've never, if you can put that up on the fucking graphics, you've never called me crying. Yeah, that's true. Lee is, is, another guy that never calls you crying and he's honest i ain't i i i didn't do well in the first two shows i'm gonna go home and get a ham sandwich and go back and do another set that's the whole essence

of comedy that ought to be to keep showing up and getting the shit knocked out of you but this week when you're working a rough fucking room dog really i heard it's really great it's a great room yeah it's phenomenal they're gonna take the ride with you it's gonna be so fun viny brand's a great fucking club owner. You know, you're going to have a great time. The hotel's great. You got a bagel place down the corner. You got a Dunkin' Donuts across the street from the hotel. And you're just going to have great fucking sets. I'm so excited. The New Jersey section of the church comes out. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and they yell out church. And you got to tell the joke about me showing you my balls this weekend. Oh, Jesus Christ. How tremendous it was that you got the vision of life.

It's like seeing Jesus in a tortilla. Oh, my God. Not exactly, but yeah. I got to show them to you again. No, I'm good. I think I'm okay. Did you see the beauty mark on the picture? You know, send me a photo of that. How beautiful is that beauty mark?

I didn't even notice. I just saw veins. But there's the veins because that's the juice of love. But did you see the beauty mark on the left side? You know, I missed that. Well, look at that over dinner. See, that's what I would make you suck. Suck the beauty mark.

Stop, Joe. Take the beauty mark. What's that? I forgot to even mention, too. I'm at Philly Helium Sunday. I'm doing the whole thing. I'm doing that whole thing. Good for you, Kate.

I'm excited, man. I'm really excited. You know, and that's what... I had a really interesting conversation about a week ago. About a dear friend. Not really a dear friend. Somebody who were friends with, and I thought she was cool,

but she disappears from time to time. And I asked her, and then she called back, and she goes, I was upset with you, because whenever you do shows, you let people on stage that have been doing comedy,

for a year and a half, but you never think of me. You know, what she's saying kind of got to me because I try to spread the love as much as I can. I don't even think that's true. Yeah, Gastino, U, Arena, whoever I bump into and I know that, listen, I see you hustling.

You don't think I see your hustling. Yeah. And I remember hustling and people coming up, and every once in a while, God throws a fucking miracle on you. You get a gig that somebody gives you 500. You're like, wow. I wasn't even looking.

looking for that. But I hustled and I deserve it and I'm at peace with it. It's not like I got a sniff is nuts and I don't like that. You know what I'm saying? That's how I kind of where else are you going this month you fucking sandwich. Oh my God. I'm everywhere. Well and then I'm doing Columbus with you and then I just got booked. I can't roosters and sunny veil coming up. I got a I got so many dates coming up like pretty much all summer not every weekend but a couple place a month. I know I'm going to Boston Connecticut. I'm doing Mohegan Sun. Have you done that? Yes, that's a good one. Doing that place.

DC improv I just got. That's a great one. I'm doing the small room. That's a good one. I've done the big room. Yeah. No, I like the DC improv. I'm excited about that.

You know, like about the DC improv that you go off there and you think they're not going to laugh at your fucking jokes and the dirty jokes. And they take the ride. I fucking tape the CD there. I had the best set there. You don't have to fucking tell me. I love all that shit. I like it there. I'm proud of your fucking bikini showing ass.

I love you. I love you because you never complained. you always work and the other and that I called you with Lee in the car and what I say to you I got Lee in the car with a grandma blow and a bag of condoms and you were like I'll come back and meet you guys I really did say I'll come back and meet you but not because I won no no no I don't hear the Dom Herrera told me I'm unsexually harassable and I think it's because I just I'm so used to you guys talking about that I don't think about it everybody's everybody's just everybody's like the back if the church if the church had an episode of the bachelor's show this would be

Lee courting you from day one coming over to your house of roses and taking you to his friend let's go to my favorite sushi plane and he walks and he knows all the Japanese waiters and I love that

that's what we're going to do. Let's go out Lee. We're going to invest in a reality show of Lee courting fucking we'll put him up against five contestants. Is he fueling these fires by the way? I mean I love Lee. I would feel bad about his recent ex. I'm really bad

about that. Like the Christian woman in you doesn't want to go lead, take your balls out. I mean like... Nope, I'm good. Okay. I just wanted to see what your Christianity was at. I don't know. How close are you to ending? Because there's something I was going to tell you I think you'll like. Are you done?

Tell me, no, no. It's never done when you're here. You're going to like this story. And so will they. Because I never told it, but it's the best story to inspire you to keep working. All of us. This is crazy. My birthday was December 12th, right? The night of the 11th, I did a bar show, the parlor, you know, Jay Davis show.

Dave, not David, too, Dave Chappelle and Donnell Rowland dropped in, and I'm friends with Donnell. And I've met Dave in passing, you know, but I didn't know him personally. So I'm friends with Donnell, and he's like, yo, isn't your birthday tomorrow?

I'm like, yeah, he's like, we got to go get dinner. So, me, Donnell, Dave Chappelle, and Mo Amor. We all go out to get food. Mo Amir. Yeah. late late midnight we go to get food after the show you go to campus we actually went to uh the fuck is the name i can't remember the name of the place we went to a pizza place so we're at this place eating we're all pretty drunk i was drunk whatever one a m and donnell's like what do you

guys want to do now and chappelle goes let's go to the comedy store and get on stage and don now goes really man we we all did like two spots tonight you want to just party we're already drinking, whatever. You know what Chappelle said? This is like in this past December, he goes, why, man, no one gets better by partying. On a Monday night,

we drive to a comedy store, which on the way there, this is one of the most surreal moments of my life, but I was too fucked up to appreciate it. He showed me on his cell phone some of the Me Too stuff on his new special that just came out before it came out.

So I got to see like a preview of that. And then, and also he told me he liked one of the bits I did at the parlor, which like, you know, oh, this is the best birthday. And then we go to the store and Chappelle gets on stage. There's like five people left, the OR. One o'clock, one 30 on a Monday, gets on stage and does like a half an hour.

But I will never forget because I'm like, he's Dave Chappelle and he's still like, not going to get better drinking on a Monday and went back to work and did a third spot. And had a special about to come out. So it's not like he's like running stuff for another one yet. You know what I mean? And I was so inspired and I was like, that's what you do if you want to be fucking Dave Chappelle. It's so funny. That's what you want to.

do if you want to be funny yeah like that right we and I have this conversation everyone I call Lee and I go what are you doing I'm doing stuff get out of the house go to the gym get out get your mind going I don't want you watching TV on the elliptical no more I want you thinking about jokes and as soon as you get one write it into your little pad yeah get your mind going these are the things I didn't do if I could do it all over again as a comic I would get up at seven hung over But now I'd get up right for an hour, drink some coffee, smoke a few cigarettes, smoke a joint, take a shit. And I would force myself to do something athletic to take the stress off my mind and release those endorphins.

So now whatever I'm writing, at least I'm not writing angry. You know what I'm saying? So that's the whole thing about comedy that I missed. I missed a complete circle. And that's what I'm trying to spread right now to young comics. You're doing a phenomenal job. I mean, you're... Thank you.

At least doing a fucking tremendous job. At least he shows up and he's down there for the 15-minute spots. Hell yeah. So it's just great, but you got, I cannot believe you're at the Stress Factory. I can't either. So it's Friday, Saturday and Sunday? Thursday, Friday, Saturday. So it's Thursday, Friday, Saturday, five shows.

Stress Factory. And then Philly Sunday. And all my fucking peeps are going to come out from Jersey. All these savages from the church. Yeah. That'll be good. Now you don't smoke weed. Sometimes a little bit before bed.

still got the stars at the house I gave you. I actually have like maybe a quarter of that bag left. And I use them to sleep, man. But I can only eat, you know, I can only take a tiny nibble or that shit. Did I tell you about the night that I took one and couldn't fall asleep and got so fucked up? I was so high. I don't know if I told you this. I wasn't going to tell this, but I started masturbating, right?

Of course. Alone. I was so fucked up. I was like almost hallucinating. Like I really thought someone else was with me. the whole fantasy. I wasn't watching porn or anything. I woke up the next day confused

because I was like, didn't I have a guy here? I thought that I had actually had a guy in my bed and I was just that high and I was walking into shit. I woke up the next day there was so much shit knocked over

that I walked into and I remember being so thirsty I went to my kitchen and got like eight bottles of water but I kept going back for one instead of grabbing a bunch. Just like eight empty water bottles on the floor.

I was fucked up. It's the only time I've ever felt the effects of it and not falling asleep. That shit is crazy. Crazy. Now I get why you guys are so fucking nuts on those. No, we stopped.

We gotta cut them down because we're trying to put a podcast together here. I know. People could understand. Right. At least with three quarters of the way there. Like I said earlier, you know, yeah, I got shows and April, not too many. We're still waiting on Netflix people. Yeah.

I have not gotten an answer. And either way, it doesn't matter. We keep pushing forward. Whatever they decide, God bless them. I'm not going to be mad at anybody. But, you know, when I found out Kate was going to be on the show, I really, really wanted to talk about this because this show takes you into weird places. But one of our sponsors, Hymns, is just a, I read,

I look at everything before I even get involved with somebody. And this is just tremendous. See, I don't suffer from fucking E.D. or nothing like that. When my dick gets hard, my dick gets hard. As long as I keep doing kettlebells, I'm all right, but that's not the situation here. Sexual performance issues are more common than what you think.

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while supplies last. Go see the website for full details. This would cost hundreds of dollars if you went to a doctor or a pharmacy or you went to Mexico or nothing. I bet nobody ever gets that dick about. Kate, they look at it and they go, Jesus Christ, but I don't know me. Anyway,

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code church. Go to Vincereo right now. Take a look at the watches they got. They're going to blow you the fuck out of the water. So I'm going to give you 15% off the entire purchase. right with promo code church at checkout it's time you step up your watch game go check out vincero at vincereo watches dot com slash promo code church i want to thank my girl k k k k k k wiggily and listen from the bottom of my heart you know i love you guys and i never want you to have a bad experience

go see k k k k k k k wickly this week i have the stress factory say hello give her a hug bring her a joint Tell her she's banging. Don't touch your cuck suckers. But it's okay if you tell her you look great in the fucking bikini. I would eat your pussy with flan on it. She likes all that shit. So drop it on her. Where are you at, Kate Quigley?com.

I love you so much. Kate Quigley.com. You can get all my dates through there or Kate Q funny. You're beautiful, baby. I love you. I love you. Happy Christ Killer Day. Easter.

I saw a bunch of Jews walking around yesterday. Depressed. There's fucking Jesus. made a comeback. They thought they killed the cock sucker. Anyway, I love you guys. Don't forget working out with Uncle Joey on the 14th.

And on the 19th, I roll into fucking Columbus, Ohio with the great Kate Quigley to fucking do 420. 420, she's going to smoke dope on stage. And we're there Saturday night to it. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black.

Have a great fucking Monday and knock them to fuck dead. Take that mulee. Woo! You're the best man. I love you. Society, notoriety. The event is never small.

The social pages say I think my ballroom always fall, take you higher, but when they're held for pleasure, they're the balls that I like best. My balls are always bouncing to the left and to the right. It's my belief that my big ball should be held every night.