The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #577 - A.J. Benza

Episode Date: April 18, 2018

A.J. Benza, the former gossip columnist for the New York Daily News and the host of the "Fame is a Bitch" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    

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That's ZipRecruiter.com slash church and give ZipRecruiter a try. Right now, it's the smartest way to hire. ZipRecruiter.com slash church. Take that motherfucking Muley. Wednesday morning. Headed to Columbus, Ohio. It's sold out. Thank you, Church.

But fuck it. We got business to take care of. A.J. Benz is here. The Christ Killers here. And the Kings of Rock are here, Led Zeppelin. With one of their masterpieces. Robert Plant smoother. This is a V-paramine right here. There's a V-paramil.

Now listen. That is me? Tremendous. John Barma, this is, this is, epic, man. This is, this makes you want to suck a dick. He'd come out with those tight jeans on, right? With his dick to the left. She'll love.

It's Wednesday, motherfuckers. Rise and shine, bitches. This is it. You had your doubts. It's too late now. You're in. You're in, motherfuckers. we go right now you're starting to

nod on that heroin and shit and they suck you back in with this too they're such genius just watch this part here we go see they suck I got it right there right back the way now you're on the acid you're looking for your mother it's all over you know I'm saying

whatever that is at the end gets me oh no no no no that's the dial the phone whatever they design you that's fucking John Paul Jones on an organ yeah yeah with transmiters on it from Martians and shit It's the church of what's happened now, motherfucker. It's just a casual conversation today of my main man

and well-known fucking everything. A.J. Benzuch. What do you say there, Uncle Joey? Lee. You know, fucking trying to put the pieces together. I got to go to Columbus, Ohio. Oh, nice. It's a quick.

It's a Air Force town, I think. Isn't it an Air Force? I don't know what it is. It's a comedy fucking town. Is it? Yeah. That club's been there forever. Yeah.

And people go there and not. Well, what do you got to do in Ohio? I mean, before the Cavaliers were good, think of a Friday night in Ohio. You're not talking to shit to do. Do you? I mean, I'm talking about... Well, you've got to figure Canton is the capital gambling. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, that's the capital. But Columbus has shit going on? Columbus is a college. Oh, okay, yeah, I didn't know that. It's a college town. I don't travel like that. I didn't know that. Oh, that's what's all.

Yeah, it's really weird when you travel and you start to learn the demographics of different cities. And then you know you've been on the road for a long time when the demographic of that changes. Right. So let's say for years you did Gotham, but all of a sudden the hottest club in the country is in the meatpacking district. I live there. I know. And next thing you know, you're in the

meatpacking district where you wouldn't go to different people. 20 years ago. That's where the restaurants are now. That's where the high line is up there. It's so weird how you've seen the demographics of cities change over the years. In El Paso, for years

it was the one side of town. Sure. party side then all of a sudden they built up downtown that guy bought the building he ate a bag of dicks nobody came to the club no more we gotta relocate now and sell what was austin like 25 years ago it must be quiet yeah very you know it's weird when you go to austin somebody i spoke to the girl i want to give her a shot out from the santa ana casino and she was thinking about austin or denver as a city to move to and i told her that in both cities right now that everybody's moving there Yeah. Like Atlanta was 20 years ago.

Like everybody's moving to Austin. The Austin. And Austin's fucking crowded. Yeah. Fuck. Right, right. I still love Austin with all my heart. I was just there with Lee.

The food is all the fucking map. The people off the map. But you've seen the growth now. It doesn't take seven minutes to get to the comedy club no more. It takes 15. The traffic is doubled, you know. Yeah. I haven't been to Houston in a while, but after Katrina, it changed the dynamic of the city.

Listen, that changed the geography of America, and not only just because of what happened to New Orleans, but where the displaced people went, it changed economies, it changed the way people lived, restaurants. I mean, think of everything that changed. Suddenly you got hundreds of people displaced from Louisiana who are used to that food, used to that music, and I'm sure places in those other regions took that on.

You know, hey, we got a lot of cages here now. A lot of people went to Houston. Yeah, Houston's a big spot. It's funny when I went to, Albuquerque this last weekend I went to Jackson Wink Jim I want to give him a shout out the best gym in the country That's fire about that

John Jones Holly Holmes They're great strategy You know they set up a strategy for a fighter Cowboy Sorones there Oh Cowboy Soron's an animal I had their pleasure going and visiting the gym And the gentleman Mike who picked me up

And drove me back and forth Was telling me the film explosion In Albuquerque And how they're shooting every Yeah, they still got the tax break. They got the tax break. And when those guys were shooting break and battle, a lot of them bought houses down there,

but they had to sell the houses because of the high burglary reading, crime rate. Really? Your car gets broken into a lot there. From Mexicans and shit from over the border or no? Who knows? Who knows? Who's doing it?

It's funny. This is a funny story. About 20 years ago, when I used to go on the road years ago, I was a big reader. When I first moved here, I was enamored with the Bafia because from my first,

For my second audition to my sixth, it was all mob characters. Of course. And I went out for a movie here that was never made. And it was about a Queens crew. I don't know. Oh, the people were fucking moron. Anybody who shows up with a mob script nine or ten times is a fucking moron. Every mobster I know eventually had a script.

So, you know, this, we had to go down to that building on sunset and Vine on the bottom, on the corner. be a building they just got redone there's a coffee bean across the street and there's a little seafood restaurant that blows across the street that i ordered spaghetti and clam sauce oh with shrimp and they gave me shrimp out of a can i almost fucking lost my mind they should burn it down so i went there and the guy offered me a ton of money for this movie and i never forget that he asked me about these characters and i didn't know i knew that world but i didn't know who he was talking about and I went on the road and I would go

to true crime and every $5,100 I got, half of it went to blow but they had to have the Barnes & Noble's. I just used to buy it. I hate used books. I hate when somebody else reads a fucking book. Really? Yeah, it drives me crazy.

I want to read the book first. Really? Yeah, it drives me crazy. They're taking a bathroom. They ship with you. Yeah, who the fuck knows? I don't want to read nobody else's a fucking book. It's all tagged up.

So I, unless I know you, you give me the book on mine that fucking shitty paper. So I started reading all this true crime shit, and I read about this guy. I read about Witsack. There was a book called Witsack for a while. I don't know that one. And in Witsack, they gave a lot of information. For them to give out this much information, there was a guy who wrote about the pitfalls of Witsack.

I don't know what that is. This book must have come out in 97. What's WittSec? Wittsec, the witness location. Oh, okay. I'm like, I thought it was an area. It was all about that. All about that.

When monsters do the WITSEC program, how hard their lives become. Like they had the example of the guy that went in, but while he went in, he made a cookbook. And he got on Letterman, and the feds are like... I remember that. Are you fucking retarded? You cannot go on David Letterman. And he said, I'm going on David Letterman. So he told the feds to go fuck themselves.

He got the David Letterman. David Letterman canceled him. Said, I can't put you on now because you create a lot. because you created too much fucking habit. Oh, God. So it was fucking crazy, but it had about the towns that they set up. Witsack was a book about the towns they had set up.

The government had set up towns to put different witness relocations in that town so it would be easy for them to monitor. Sure. Hysterical. And they had the list of cities. And then they had the list, they had, They took the book and they wrapped it around Henry Hill, really.

Sure. It wasn't about Henry Hill, but they had an example. Most famous rat. Of how the witness relocation plan is really destructive. Just because you move them to fucking Nebraska doesn't mean they stop stealing. You put a criminal in their neighborhood. They go fucking bananas. They go fucking bananas.

You know, I'm driving down the street, and I see these people who don't lock their doors. What are you fucking crazy? I'm going to rob it. Your garage is open with a track. I know. I know a guy who my trail is down the corner,

you know. So the problem they were having the reign of recidivism. Recidivism, yep. They even did a movie called My Blue Heaven. I remember.

Steve. Brilliant movie. Where they took all the stories of how that's what happens. So they would move, let's say me and Benza, I was with the Gambino's and Benza was with

the fucking Genevice. They would take us and put us both in a suburb of Houston. Yeah. And like, take their chances of, of us bumping into each. Yeah.

I know. And how many people in the town were witness, witness protection? They would put like, 3, 4. 6. But they wouldn't put two mobsters in there. Right, right, right.

They put two mobsters, a Jew attorney who had information on narcos, a couple that did drug pushing for the Cali cartel. Yep. So you would know. These would just be regular people, but it was easier for the Fed

to monitor this town. Yeah, that's all it. One of the towns that they had when I went to Albuquerque was, I think they'd re-o something. And that was one of the cities that they mentioned in this book. Yeah, yeah. And I heard through the years that that's where they sent Big Joe Messino. Oh, wow, yeah. Interesting.

So I'm doing radio down there, and I'm talking to him, and I go, that's funny because I heard Big Joe Messino down here. And the guy goes, that's funny because the name of the restaurant, the best Italian restaurant is Big Joe. no kidding how when sammy the bull he opened up a restaurant in phoenix and the slogan of it was the best kept secret in tempest in spott's damn best kept secret yeah best kept secret is you fucking right in their face right in their face and that's what winestein ate by accident complete accident i had a story that yeah yeah but he showed up at fucking sammy's joint um thinking there was low whatever he thought but it was the worst place to go and it's also funny you know of all the places to go you got to sammy maybe he was told to go there because he did mom

on TV. Maybe he heard from Karen Gravano that her dad has opened the place and we got to get him on the show. No, the dad doesn't own them anymore. No, not anymore. They walked up. They sold it. Yeah. I think the mother went back to work there for a while. But I thought still family owned in some

capacity or maybe it was. Not now. Once the feds come in for access, you lose everything. No, because yeah. A restaurant. You take the fucking. It was like 700,000 a month. Yeah, he was making some dough. He was making some dough. I can't imagine. Because like I didn't grow up with the internet. I came when I was a teenager.

But even when Joey, you have stories of going to Florida to be on the lamb. My man. I don't even think that's possible really anymore. Like it'd be really hard. Got to go to a beach town. No, I could do it. Yeah. My friend

are a couple years ago. But you wouldn't be stupid to know about a comedy cup called Joey's or a cocoa. No, no, no, no, no. You put a hat, you shaved your head, you put a hat on. Sure. You mix into the community, but not really. Just enough so you don't stand out? Just enough so you don't stand out.

Sure. You don't make any commotions. You're not out at night at all. You have to live, like in the third season of Narcos at the end. They said that the guy Salcedo that ratted on Narcos is somewhere in the country. Now you see him working as a mechanic. Right. And he's waiting online on a Kentucky Fried Chicken.

But all of them they show the camera. And Kentucky Fried Chicken, how that's a complete different world of its own. Yeah, yeah. Like Henry Hill. Henry Hill went to seven different locations. Yeah. Like, he caused havoc. He was a problem.

Everywhere. He was constantly a problem. He was a problem in Memphis and they sent to Tennessee. Even when he was out and lived in L.A., he was a fucking problem. Maybe when he was out of the witness protection, his last few years in L.A., he was a lunatic. He was crazy. Still causing shit.

And getting drunk and pub. He was drunk. All the time. Every time I saw him. You know what? I never shook the guy's hand. He was at a bench. I always thought he was the guy.

always thought he was the kiss of death like the first time i was at the store and somebody came up to me like go to the front henry hills up there talking to chew you i got in my car and i drove out of there as fast as i fucking could what good could what good can you bring him when i did the other guy the other guy the other rat's uh movie who i love i love salobots i don't know so i love salubots he used to live here now he goes over there okay and i just spoke to him about three weeks ago salubots was the first first first guy in a

rat on rod got he real was his last name who but that's not real that means crazy what his last name will bots means crazy Sal I don't know Sal was the first guy really and Goddy's crew but arena no no it's funny because like I always understood why Sammy rolled because he was very smart smart I knew new numbers new numbers he knew how to negotiate he knew exactly where the body he had business he knew that if he didn't go first Sammy knew He went Sammy was so good

That when he went first They wouldn't believe nobody else Until they finally had so much testimony That Sammy did sell drugs Yeah That they said this can't be lies Everybody's coming in here saying Sammy selling drugs

Yeah But fucking uh He's saying that he never sold a drug in his life The last time they put him in Because he said he never shot a cop And he was he was the guy that gave The ice man the fucking job to kill that cop yeah man so they put him in jail for that and the ice man died by mistake

what salibots not police is it yeah polisi oh sure of course i know salpricie yeah i didn't know a box okay yeah it's crazy because you when you look at a rat you go oh he's a rat yeah all right he's a rat he did this and this and this but as i got old i understood the differences yeah right i understood the differences sometimes we get him like i can't think of i think of the Sopranos and I walk in my house and I go what if I was Tony Soprano? What if I just came from shooting somebody and I got to come in the house and play with my kid like the cops aren't going to knock on my door. Yeah. I just came from a wire room where fucking I'm taking action on fucking whatever.

There's chicks there and they're sucking my dick. You know, half the cruise on blow. And you got to come home not to do Coke. Right. And you got you're drinking all day and you got to come home. I would never comprehend that life. No, I can't. Like I can't imagine somebody.

kicking my door down. I can't imagine opening my door with mercy and somebody driving by and shooting at me because I made the wrong decision on the family. You know what I'm saying? I can't even imagine that. But imagine even like if you're John Gotti because I used to see him out. You know, imagine him doing what he was doing

running in a lot of places here and there. But then, and fucking beautiful women. And then eventually he's got to go home to the little house in Howard Beach with the wife and the old bedrooms. I'm sure they have old furniture from the third year they were married. I bet there's still stuff there from their first 10 years of marriage, a couch, you know, with the plastic on or something.

How do you fucking go for that world? But he did it for a good amount of time, you know, really running the fucking family and then going back to, he didn't have the big mansion like Pauli, Castellano. He didn't do shit like that. He was flashy with his suits and he's flashy in public with certain people. But, you know, he loved, he loved that, um, he really liked that agulation from people. Even when I used to go see him in court, um, He'd come out of the car. It was like a movie. Because that's what they love, the mafia.

They're so dramatic in what they do. You know, if you're a black gangster, you come out of the car, a different person. You're an Italian gangster. You come out and you got $100 bills for the homeless guy. You kiss the fucking newswoman who's always on your back with the money. People start to love seeing you. You know, it's a different type of gangster. Mexican gangster doesn't come out of his house.

People loving him around the neighborhood. I still always like the guy who drives the 69 car beat up. Yeah, who has jeans with a hole in there who's playing stupid. Right. I'll never forget going to this place when I was a kid on 42nd Street, right around the corner from the Lincoln Tunnel. And you went to get your dick sucked there. It was like a long fucking street.

Really? Probably 46th Street, 41st Street. What the fuck it was? There was a long street. And I had a couple friends who would go there and say, I want to get my dick sucked and we'd have to get out of the car and sit there. I remember that, yeah. We did that too.

At high school, 1980. I never forget, like girls walking over. Oh my God. You guys don't want to get your dick sucked. I'm like, nah, you know, whatever. Yeah. And one day my friend said, where's your pimp? And this was early on.

We were like juniors in high school. Yeah. We ain't got no pimps. We run our own game. Right. And I'll never forget. There was a guy in a wheelchair. I was in the corner.

Yeah. And one day, somebody said to me, next time you go over there, make sure that the guy with the wheelchair in the corner. And I went over there just to drive somebody one day. Right. And I saw that guy and I put two into the game. They go, that's weird.

And they go, he's the pimps. He's got a machine gun under the day. He's playing handicapped. He'd have the sign, give him money, Vietnam Vet. Well, he had a gun under that. And he would shoot you and mess with his chicks because they had to suck your dick on that block. I remember that.

That block was fucking disgusting. No, well, we went. It was 1980, 79, 80, 81. And we thought 42nd Street because that's where the show world was, with the peep shows and shit, with the windows that come up. But then for blowjobs, we found out you got to go on the west side, 10th Avenue, 11th Avenue. We went by, there was a UPS facility where the trucks are. It also happens to be where they take the horse carriages from Central Park outside the plaza.

The carriages go back to 10th Avenue and 40 Southern Street. So we found that one night, a bunch of carriages. And they're open. And the hookers would come down the street like it was the night of it, like it was walking dead, the TV show, like zombies. Like 20 of them at once. and you know you had your pick and five guys in the Cadillac you know from Long Island

with fucking $40 in her pocket you know we took the chains were robbed one of my friends got blown his pants around his ankles and as the girl was blowing him she was putting his fingers in his back pocket inside his wallet without and right behind your back she's taking the money out

and putting your wallet on the way back to Long Island I had $40 I have no money we would fucking nope yeah they were pick pockets you know how I always fuck with your cheech a must teach Right. Yeah. That's my favorite nickname.

Chichibastique. There was two kids in my neighborhood. There was one Bobby Pierce, and he hung around with Chichabastich in 1982. 1981, 1981, 1983. Chichabastich used to call me rubber because your face is like rubber, he used to say. You're rubber. He used to hear their name for me. And they were getting to arguments at one another.

Fuck you. You don't know what you're talking about. A 79 Corvette is better than 67. Right, right. They were two fucking knuckleheads. So I heard a story about them going in the city one night because Chichabastich always had, always had some type of saying,

always had something. And they're in the city, they go, and they go to get that dick sucking an abandoned building, bolt their pants are down, the chicks are about to suck their dick, and they both pull out pieces and two guerrillas come out from the back, really?

Oh, my God. And they go, give us your money, and Chichibastis turns around, and he goes, bah! like instead of like anything else you can say like fuck you or whatever he goes bah i'm not giving you a dime and they put the gun to his head and they took his belt his cash his fucking car shoes he came back are you kidding yeah man cheech absteach i never saw him again he got him and his buddy bobby pierz got

for car stealing you had to be careful in the 70s and 80 sure when you went while they're sucking your dick they're taking the wallet out of your pocket it was amazing he was fucking amazing what they were doing over there those james. They were just as good at giving your head as they weren't robbing you. They were multi-talented girls. But we one time broke loose of a high school field trip.

We were seeing an off-roadway play in the 40s, and that's how we found the 1040 club. The guys above us a year, they would tell us when they were seniors, we used to go, we had a blowjob and get late. How old are you? I'm 56. I went to the 1040 club when I was 17 years old. All right. And it was the most disgusting. That was at the end.

I mean, it was never, never beautiful. No, no, that was the most disgusting. That was the joint. Experience of my life. Yeah. Till this day, whenever I think of going in, like, there's nights I come home with 10 from doing a spot. And I'm like, you know what? There's a 10.

Yeah. My wife's sleeping. Yeah. Let me go to this true clock. And every time that memory flashes into my head because that was the first time I learned, number one, never go in a car with somebody. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, meet me over. No, no, no, no, no, I'll join myself. Yeah.

Because you're friends of P. Who knows what the fucking person is doing? My friend's name is Pedro Opegon. He was a Cuban guy. And when he found out, I don't know, I hung up with these Cuban kids. There was a handful of women in the Ali brothers. Juan Ali and Alberto, Ali. Juan was the brains of the operation, like Cheechabastich.

And Alberto was just a moron. And he would agree to everything along with that. When they were 12 in the 6th grade on the weekends, They would go into the city to get their dick sucked in different hookahouses. Wow. And tell us the story on Monday.

And the brother would be like the year. Yeah, yeah. They suck your dick. And the brother was half retarded. And they worked at their father's shop during the weekend. On Saturday, they told their dads they were going to a comic bookstore. And they would take buses into the city.

Yeah. You know, I don't know how they found out. They would go to one hookah house. Yeah. And they would tell you where another one is. Yeah, you find out. Yeah, you find out. We found out for the kids above us, but then the first time we went, we left the school

play. You know, we used to mow lawns for fucking money. You know, five dollars at a time. And we had enough. We popped lockers in gym one period. And we ended up coming out of like 60 bucks from kids' wallets. So we knew we got money for 1040. Broke loose of a play.

It was a play with Harry Chapin, an off-Broadway play. And we fucking go to 10-40. We thought 10 bucks would get us on. No, that gets you the room. And then the girl gives you the fucking menu of what costs while. We all went back in the fucking hallway at the same time. We were out of money. We had like 10 bucks apiece.

We couldn't get shit but the room. One girl took pity on my buddy, the most mature guy. And he fucked her. But then we told that story to the grade underneath us. But we used to get head in the fucking buggies from the Plaza Hotel. They'd park them in the 40s in the 10th Avenue. And that was the place you'd sit in. So, you know, one night there's a black hooker blown you.

And the next day, some newlywrecked couple of going around Central Park, you know, drinking champagne from the plaza. Stepping on your jiz. Not knowing this jiz. It's amazing how different we, like, I was just thinking about, like, 12, like, the biggest thing when I was in school was 10th grade, we took a class trip to D.C. And every year, all the kids would sneak off on their one free time and go to Hooters. And I had a cousin, I didn't even go to it.

I went to my cousin's house with little kids and had a beer. I thought it was so cool. But they, like, the big thing was them going to Hooters, and you guys are talking about going and getting hookers at 16 years. My mother was dead. maybe a year and I knew Pedro Obergon's dad owned a candy company and they had a truck and at night you go out in the car with him and there was a truck right truck stocked yeah lollipops and m&ms that's what his father's had a company wow he had 20 trucks yeah they supplied everything

in New York for candy and one night he picks me up in the truck it's my birthday like him and six other guys and we actually went to that 1040 club yeah you paid the ten dollars and I walked into a room They smelled like Cologne. It just smelled like men with Cologne. That's why I really learned about men. All those good-looking guys that were telling you they get pussy. Yeah. There were more of them there than ugly and fat guys.

Oh, yeah. There were more good-looking guys in there that looked like Theo Vaughn dressed up with Cologne than ugly, fat, nerdy guys. Yeah. And women would come out like seven out of time, and you would have to grab them, and then you would negotiate for more dough. never forget I took in the back ten dollars she'll fuck me straight

yeah she put the come before they put the condomime on you they wash your dick with a bucket oh but my day like a spit bucket that rocky used it was a bucket yeah it was a bucket yeah they washed it under the bed yep yep what is that going to do I don't know Lee with a sponge that was used on a thousand they just want to yeah exactly it's dick water it's all

dick water and they wash your balls then they put a condomine you then they wouldn't put it on with their mouth and the girl got on top of me and she looked great on paper with the suit. But when she took her legs off, she had been stabbed. She had been shot with a gun.

They got a fucking Cesarian section scores. It was fucking disgusting. And she was on top of me trying to fuck me. And all I can think about is like, is this what my life was turning into? Like, I always thought it was going to be roses and poetry and flowers. She said to me for an extra $10.

I could hear the rubber hitting her money. Oh, no. Oh. And she goes, for an extra $10, I'll let you eat me. You kidding? And I threw her off me. I took the condom off me. There was a little sink, like a prison sink.

I went over and took the bar soap, and I washed my dick and my balls. She's like, are you okay? I'm like, no, I'm not okay. And I ran out of there, and I left my friend's day. I took a bus back home, but I never talked to that kid again. It could be traumatic. It was horrible. The one I remember, the lighting was awful, and I remember that, we went back a couple

times. The first time I was too young, I couldn't even get a heart on at all. I still don't, the two or three times I went there, it was going to be a blowjob. But even that, I don't get as turned, I can't get turned on. I don't know the chick. She's not somebody, like, she's not a chick that I find beautiful. I can't get turned on by a hooker. I can't. And I mean, even like a hot, like a great body, they, you just know there's fingerprints all over them. People, I just- It's crazy that we're all around here. But I tell you what, ever since that dude said that, like, listen, I go to one Chinese massage place because they're on the up and up. Sure.

They're really on the up and up over there. It's $45, $40, they rub your feet with water. They rub you down. It's either a guy or a girl. The girl's a fucking beast. She's a fucking beast. Well, that's what you want. Yeah, you don't want it.

But you know what? I made the mistake to go into the one across the street the one day. What happened? Oh, my God. Is it a happy ending? joint. It's one of those happy endings. And I knew it when I walked in. I said, no, no, no. And she goes, why? I go, why? First of all, I, you cannot touch your dick with. You cannot touch my dick with that hand. You cannot touch my dick with that greek with that hand. That has to be disgusting. Even if they wash it, you know. I can't. I just can't. You know, when I was about 15, I was, I was. When I was about 15, I didn't. I can't. You know, when I was about 15, I was, I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I had a best friend of mine that was still to this day with gumbas come to me and he goes i need a favor take a rhyme with me he had to clap oh and we went to a clap place like the help department

for him to get a oh do you take the fish food and he fucking there was a chick there and a guy that had like oh sores around his mouth no and that went into my head yeah like a fucking like Like the image of Jesus. Yeah. And I never forgot that. And for some reason, I'm a dirty fuck. You let you get my moments. You got through it all.

But you know what? No, no, no, no, no. I was really, like when I was younger, I was a prude fuck Catholic. Oh, yeah? Oh, fuck no. Okay, I was. Oh, really? Well, they got the whole Latino background.

Oh, the machismo. Yeah. The machismo element of it. Yeah, yeah. You know, it's crazy that I used to have a Cuban guy. When I was like in the fourth and fifth grade. there was a Cuban guy that used to hang around my mother's bar. They shot him.

His name was Elio. He was Amacroa. And one day, him and a bunch of Cuban dudes were talking. And he pointed me out. He's like, if somebody wants to suck your dick, they suck your dick, whether it's a man or woman. As long as you don't suck their dick. They make you not a fag. They want you to fuck him in the ass.

Fuck him in the air. Oh, my God. What are you talking about? That was their machismo. Yeah. That was their level of machismo. That there's a thing. I'm not a fag.

You're a fag. kind of thing. I'm no faggot. You're a faggot. Yeah, I fuck you. I fucked you. You didn't fuck me. Oh yeah, those guys. Those guys. A lot of guys down south like that. They, uh, they had, when I was a kid, my mom would always call me Bougarong. And I would go, what the fucking

Bougarong is, is a dude who in prison, he fuck, he takes a guy and he goes Lee from that one, you belong to me. I like that. Put a wig on, yeah, lipstick on a nice shadow on you, I want you to shave your balls. Oh, God. And I'm going to fuck you in the ass and you

take all this from me. Like you do my laundry, you cook. Okay, but what is that? You belong to me. I get that. They got to hold your fucking belt loop the whole thing. But here's the deal. You fuck them. Yeah. They suck your dick, but that's where I don't fuck you. That's it. No. They don't touch you. You could smack them. Right, right. Right. Right. But I need

to know what that is. What kind man is that? I don't get it. I never met one till 195. Does prison? Are they only in prisons or the other places? In prison in Cuba? Do they have it before prison? I don't know. Is that. something they want to do before

prison are they late in homosexuals when you go to prison yeah well i can't imagine i just can't and you let's say i become let's say i'm a drug like the dude i knew that did it was a drug dealer and he had been in prison i guess he was in prison with one of the guys and when he came out he hired his cousin put a wig on him

and they helped his cousin they held the coke on the street with heels on holy shit and fake breast really and he would sell coke on the street in san francisco wow so when they're a friend to me When I went to San Francisco in 85, I had a warrant in Jersey. And basically, when I was doing in San Francisco, I was a con man. I had a suit. And I would go to hotels every day with a Wall Street Journal.

And I'd sit in the lobby and wait for people to check in. That's great. I listened to what room number they were going. And I'd run upstairs 10 minutes afterward. And I'd either steal the maids keys because in those days there was no electronic keys. Right. The maids would stick the keys in the door, leave the door with the keys hanging there. I'd find out where the maid was at 9 o'clock and take her keys.

Once I had the master key, you couldn't stop me. Oh, my God, that must be. I'd wait for you to check in. So I lived in the tenderloin. Oh, yeah, I lived in a place called the Virginian Hotel, which is now the hostel. And across the street from there, that was the Hilton. That was my prime spot. So I would wake up at 7 and go to the Hilton, sit there with the master key.

And there was no cameras in those days, and I'd wait for you to check in time. No cameras. And I was doing it, but this is where I got greedy. I was doing it at two or three different hotels. I had a guy that would buy it from me, no questions, asked, no ID, right down the corner. Really? And then the Cubans. I met these refugee Cubans that are coming from Mariel, and they were a real deal.

Yeah, right. They were a real deal. That sure. And their sponsor on the block was an old guy called at Pudo. So whatever you made for the day, you had to give him a cut. He was the old man. He owned the corner. Right, tribute.

And you hustled on that corner. What could you do on that corner? You could sell Coke. You could sell weed. You can mug somebody. But my main thing in those days was there was a Cuban thief that specialized in travelers' checks. Wow. He didn't know the language.

Yeah. So for 50 percent, I would go to Japan town up in northern San Francisco. They wouldn't ask for ID on the American Express. I would put a suit on. world and just take something that was 30-250 with a hundred dollar american express name right and i'd pay for it until i got all the cash back and then we'd split the cash and you'd take the merch and sell the merch it was like fucking stealing yeah i did that for a fucking sum i mean i was a one-man machine i know that yeah and i worked for myself it was just beautiful yeah now that was bad days sure

and there was good days when you had bad days you always went to poodle and said let me get 50 to get me started and I'll give you 65 tomorrow. When, no, listen. Fucking crazy. When my roommate Chico ran, again, he's like you. When he was one of the security guys that scores,

but he elevated it to a position where you know, it's a mob joint. The girls kick up to the security, kicks up to the manager, manor, it kicks up to the agent. It's crazy. It kicks up to the mob. It's all kick up, right? And so Chico, every night, this is when Wall Street's boom

and Bill Clinton's president, every night there was two three credit cards that people, every week. Two or three crowds would be forgot. But by a Wall Street guy, not just some guy who drove in from Jersey, he's going to call it right in the next morning. But a Wall Street guy who goes to work late the next day, he's on the floor. He don't fucking care about his Amex.

The minute we got, we had a guy that owned suit stores on Madison Avenue, we had electronic stores down on Bowery. When we got one of those cards, the Muldoons we called them, we called those friends for stereo equipment, for suits. We whack out the card. And the car would only be charged 50 bucks. The client would go, oh, I got to pay

50 bucks my amics was stolen it was a small penalty amics would pay for the rest of the shit because it was theft no cameras we'd split the shit we buy and he'd give us suits we'd give him cash it was fucking great i even kept cards even after they were hot you could sell them no i would keep cards because i would go to chinese restaurants and get the lunch special it was in those days it was 495 with a can of soda 550 plus tax i would leave a seven dollar tip what a They're going to open up the book and look in the numbers. There was no computer. There was no computer.

There was no scan. So I always ate lunch on a fucking stolen credit card. Did you leave the card? No. Just the same way. It was the thing, right? It was an imprint. The imprint thing.

And then at the end of the day, they're depositing the bank, and the bank shoots it back. There's a stolen card. And if that broke. So I would go two days in a row, and then I would disappear. To go to a gyro place for two days. And then once I get snowed back, I would never do it at my favorite restaurants. You don't shit where you sleep. Right.

So you always. kept a card. Yeah. It was a dick, like, I can't even, like, today there's completely different crimes. I know, I know. People go online and steal your card, you're done. But in the old days, I mean, I remember the first time I was exposed to it was a friend of mine, well, I'm still in contact with his mom.

Yeah? All you had to go to his mom and go, listen, I need two Apple computer, 19 inches. I need three iPro cameras and three microphones. She'd go on the internet, not in those days, but like today, she'd go, all right, the three mics are 140 apiece. The computer is 1,600. You want two of them, that's 3,200, that's 48, and give me 5,500. I'll be here tonight at 6 o'clock, give me 3,000 cash. Right.

What are you going to say, Lee? Yeah. Well, I'll give you $2,000, $3,000, because I just saved you $2,400. Sure. 3,000 cash tonight. Like, that's how quick it was. Because she had cards. She would even get me jeans.

Yeah, no. What size jeans you need? 32, 34. I'll get you three of them. Jeans in those days were $12 a piece. So for $20, you got three pair of fucking Levi's. Well, no one loses. The guy that owned the suit store, you bought four suits, you wax.

He made some... He was another two. He was another two. No, he knew. He was a friend of us. He'd open up. I want these three suits. He'd go, boom.

He makes money for the shop. And if you want to sell the suit, you can. We like to wear in suits. So he made money. When the guy reported it stolen, Amex is only responsible for a certain amount. I mean, the whole amount, the store is only responsible for like $50.

Something small. Amex pays all that bullshit. They nailed me. They nailed me one time. One time they had me, but they didn't. What had happened was I was a real fucking gavel. I had a friend who got cards. And for about six months,

I tapped the cards very lightly. I was very smart with them. I was trying to get my life. life together I wasn't doing blow right I had just turned 22 or 21 and it was the first time I hadn't done blow in like six years oh my I started at 79 oh and new year's 84 I said that's it wow fucking but I still dabbled with the weed I didn't drink then so yeah it wasn't about drinking and a friend of mine I bumped into a manhattan one day and he goes can you move credit cards I'm like what do you mean move

because they don't use them. I go, I'll do it because there's no ID, but just go to places that you know. Let the people know. So if you go to a restaurant, Lee, come here. It's a stolen credit card. Right. So I charge it, and I'll give you $100.

Right. And you make $100. Who gives a fuck? Get yourself a buffet to go. Right. You're the waiter. So I cut the deal with you. You and my friend, I grew up with you.

You're not going to get in trouble. You didn't know that. You don't know. You don't know nothing. You don't know nothing. He had no stolen. I know. So I would go to a place.

that you work Lee we'd run up a tab and then I'd say give yourself a three a dollar tip and give me 100 yeah you got to do you have no idea yeah yeah people there was money everywhere and then I moved to Boulder and I'm walking around that must be the Wild West I got I got 18 grand I got 10 grand in the bank account and eight grand cash in my room and I'm down to four grand I go what am I doing who my fucking Johnny Gambino I called my buddy and said send me some cards

Yeah you got to send me 500 of cards No I'll put in the fucking mail tomorrow I send him money over 25 hundred You send me a fucking five cards And it was all over After that

It was all over But the problem is Nobody would buy stolen merchant bowler That's not the embole We weren't the guys Driving around on the cars With like the actual box CFO?

Those are those are the worst You don't know That's so bad No the speakers I just don't Let's say you live next to me. Yeah. Like I had a buddy who lived next to me who did steroids and did blow it to him one day.

You want to buy these? So easy. Oh, no. Yeah. You know, every hot merch was not acceptable and Boulder. You come out. East Coast, forget it. So I had to keep shit.

Once in a while, people would buy it. Right. The only thing people would buy from me were pens. What the fuck? I used to go into those stores, antiques, and us. Oh, those can I have the frames. Oh, okay. And I would steal cross pens.

Oh, those. I would tell a lady you can I have you have a little. crossband and this chick would go over open up the bottom draw and then somebody else would distract and she'd take the key and leave the drawer and I take all the gold covered ones and take them back the fucking

the card dealer's shit and sell yeah I was gonna say businessmen love that shit no no I was always a 50% type of guy yeah I stole it so 50% it's profit you're making money you're gonna you know yeah it's perfect fucking craziness I love that shit

craziness of me going I remember being at the Baltimore one time summer of 85 it's august i'm walking through this mall i'm 21 years old i'm trying to get my life together i'm walking to this mall i'm going i cannot believe that this is happening right now if i had my friend dan rago here got rest of salt we'd make a million dollars yeah i'd senior year in high school we would uh both have like gym at 1045 we were getting his car in high school, we were juniors, and drive up to Sears Roebuck

and open up C's the back door. Where the automotive is right by the back door, there was a stack of car speakers. Oh, God. A blow punk. Loud punk, yeah, it was big back then. And all he had to do was walk in and take a pair and walk out. We get 35 bucks.

We each get 35 bucks. Yeah. That's 70. That's a half a gram of a ball. Sure, that's all you need. And a $10 bag of weed and a six-pack of a walk. beer yeah we would do that three days a week until every box was gone it's great it's like every fucking box is too easy and i'm embarrassed to say these stories but that's the truth you know what i'm

gonna fucking tell you when i was 16 17 we're living on long island and uh good neighborhood but we were the poorest family you know my father was the older and everybody was young coming in but a few a few of the developments of it was where all the new houses were going up with the younger money you know and uh i would go my father had a big cat of that i was and I would go at night with a shovel, dressed in black, and I dig out. I love hedges and plants, and I know what's expensive, what pines, what fucking, I know all about plants for some reason. I would rob every beautiful hedge, young rose bushes. I knew what everything cost.

And I bring them back, and my father knew I was doing this. I put it, it was like a tribute, Dad, look what I got last night. And I put him in the yard by the pool. Before he went to work, he'd go, I like that pine. Yeah, put that road of dendron over there. That's nice. Give that to him Rosalie. And then some of a few guys down the street heard I was doing it

And they go, you know, can you grab with some of these? Yeah. So I started going out with the father's Cadillac. I lined it back with the Gladbags. And I was a one-man operation. I dig fucking, and they were in the earth for like a few days. They weren't like sunk in. You can just pick them out.

Put them in the trunk. Room. Because no one lived in the model homes yet. It was all homes that were furnished and the landscaping was done, but nobody lived there. There was no cameras once again. It's a model development. And it was a good hustle for like, this summer I missed my few grand and they paid $50 for a bush this one of a bonsai tree like

good looking shit did you ever get the same house like multiple times when they kept refilling you know what I got a school that way I got the school across not across the street and down the block from my house and then I got to be like I can't keep it in the school they kept putting these beautiful spruce tree in like four foot high I'd pull out of the ground and uh you had do it during the winter when things when the root ball is still going to be alive my father let me do that shit he thought it was so funny i never got one of the sickest things i ever did was i got involved with well they were my neighborhood friends it was like sabatino carlos pares chichibastiz no chichabastich was a kennedy school guy this was the given that terrorist crew it was in those days it was carlos

perz me sabatino uh dominic special god bless his soul a couple other kids i may forget there was a soccer field It's called Shudson Park. Shudson. Right in Union City. It's been there since fucking before Hitler. And it's a German place that serves German food, but they also cater it out. You can have parties there. Oh, yeah.

So they have all the political parties there. When we were kids, they practiced baseball back there. North Bergen had the rights to practice Little League baseball back there. And there was a soccer field back there. So on the weekends, the German soccer team would play back there and blah, blah. And it was basically, it had stands. I don't know what you could fit in there. I don't know, 2,000, 3,000.

It's a park. But it was covered by this 10 thing. Oh, it was covered. Oh, okay. It was covered by this 10 roof. And for years, for years, starting, I mean, I remember going up there when I was like 10 and hitting balls. The Todd brothers, by the way, one of them just died to Jeff Todd, Rich Todd and Vanichek. And we go up there on a road and play ball.

But there was a guy back there. His name was the butcher. and if he caught you back there he'd chase you with a knife of the German Shepherd. Shepherds with a dog back then. But the beautiful of it, we used to go up there and ride

the motorcycle and that would really drive. He would chase you and see all those zig-how words of the shit. But we figured out one day somebody told him, when my mother first died, I had all these different friends

and I had good people in my life. I had this one particular kid, Mike Denny. Everybody called him the devil. Like people go. He was the devil. I took a liking to Mike Denny. Mike Denny was a short wrestler.

I went to Lehigh. Leigh, yeah. But he just had him. You know, he was one of those guys that every time you did something with him. Do you trouble? You know, you came up short. Oh, okay. You're not going to believe what happened.

The guy gave me $300 instead of five. And I tolerated it for about a year. And I lost him as a friend. Yeah. But I will tell you, he was a money-making machine. When I came to make money at night, The problem with him was he robbed all the wrong people. His father owned a ship refurbishing company.

So when a ship lands in Newark, in Hoboken those days, after six months at sea, they come in, weld off all the barnacles, repainted. It's a big job. And they get a year contracts. Yeah, that's a big job. Well, he would go back at night and steal the holes and steal the fucking shit that belonged to the ship. Yeah, he was just a fucking moron. But I'm snorting coke with him.

Listen to Arrowsmith, get your wings on RX7. He's got to be 20, and I'm 16. Right. And that little crew, we put together one day somebody mentioned that that 10 above the soccer field that you could sell it. It's worth something. Yeah, like copper. Like copper wiring.

Listen, everybody in my neighbor got a ratchet set. And at night, before you went out, Lee, you took out your radiance clothes, and we go up there, me and you, every night. seven o'clock because butcher would get off butcher was off between seven and eight he took a nap so we get up there climb and ratchet those things off throw them off

you had a slide off or you fell off it was fucking scary and I mean little by little you saw sections disappeared Lee it was like fucking what could he do it was like little by little every night then somebody else caught on so I would steal a sheet

he would steal his sheet and then he told his friend his two friends started stealing two sheets. So now we almost turned into a wall. Like, wait a second. This is our turf here. We've had this first. Me and the devil. Shudson Park is ours. Carlos and Sabatino had this first.

Dog, they fucking stripped every piece of fucking tin. Shitsen Park had to put a tarp over the paper tarp. That's great. For the soccer that was a hustle for a whole fucking summer. And we were getting like $55

a thing. There was so many people I used to bring things to yeah those I don't know what those people are anymore I used to have a transmission guy yeah that would give me money for sawdust no because they fill the transmission yeah yeah yeah where do you get sawdust it's a lumber yard it's very strong I used to work in a lumber yard they don't clean up every day and when I got the job the kid that had the job before me he told me right off the day goes listen to the morning you got to steal because if you don't steal they're going to know I stealing.

Number two, I have existing contracts. Are you kidding me? And I go, what are you talking about? He goes on Saturdays. A guy comes in and buys 40 sheets of plywood. He'll give you $400 cash. Give me $100 from now on. And I got another guy that comes in on Thursdays and gets 20 sheet.

Because Marine plywood was $64 a sheet, four by eight. He would say, and it was galvanized so you could put it on boats. So he would say, charge him 20 a sheet. I mean, there was days It's a lot to remember There was days Me and four guerrillas Would load the backup

And at the end of the day There was no sheets left I was a junior in high school I was robbing them Blind those poor fucking people Yeah Yeah There was a family

At a transmission place And they would tell me When the barrels get filled up Give us a call I wasn't allowed to sweep And put my thing I would sweep and put in barrels And once I'd get five barrels

they give me like 100 cash, which was every week. I got 100 cash in the walk the time. The job paid me six bucks an hour. Yeah, you got to make a living. But I probably made a thousand a week out of that. Right, right. They had an old school register.

So, which meant if you spent $8, it would come up $8. But if you came in, I'd say, how are you doing today? Oh, nothing, how you doing, Joey? Nice to meet you. What are you looking for? I'm redoing my basement.

I need 10 sheets of 4x8 plywood with a $44 a piece. you know 10 sheets that's 440 right i knew that plus tax right i would fucking do the register i would do it on my there was a calculator and i mean the register would be packed there would be four salesmen at the right in front of them they didn't know that i had loaded the sheets on i would take the sheet and blah blah blah blah do the tax like for 440 plus tax and instead of ringing in 488 i'd ring in 88 i think i would give you 488 dollars and they put 88 in the register and key 400 and locked the register i did this every day yeah well okay that's how i snored a coke my sophomore in junior year and then there was an old school

gangster in there rather not mention his name and his angle was he was buying nickels and stones really he wasn't buying nickels and stones he just said that as part of his parole i say he was buying stolen jams and diamond rings she so on top of that i had friends that were burglars and i told him i knew Mr. B and they would give me stuff for him and said I'll never forget one Saturday I found a bureau there was a bureau on the street that somebody had moved and me and my buddy said I wonder if there's something in there and we shook it there was change ah as we took the change out and we put the we split the change about 50 and quarters and pennies but that night when I went home one of the dimes

or nickels was weird really and I had Monday I took it it to him and he took a look at it with a thing and he goes, you take 800 for you? Yeah. You're just fucking kidding me. I'll take 10 cents for it. It's a nickel. He didn't even have, he could have, he could have any dollars. That's how honest he was. He goes, I give me

800 for it. Because I'm going to sell off at 12 right now. I'm going to give me 8. Right now. He goes, who call a guy who knows he needs you? He goes, who got you? It's like, oh, guy, that's a specialist. He thought it would be worth about seven. He goes, I'll give you eight. You keep 100 off the top. Thanks a lot. I had that place wired for sound.

Yeah. I wouldn't show up on Saturdays. So you have to. Every Monday I wouldn't show on Sunday. I wouldn't show up on Saturdays and they wouldn't even say them to be on Monday. Right. And J's saying this like you're telling them like, oh yeah, my family used to go. I can't have ham for Christmas dinner.

Like this is normal for you? This was 16, 17 years old. Rendell Lumber and Marine. That's young. North Bergen, New Jersey. This was when I quit the job, the guy who gave me the job told me you have to steal if They're going to know how long I was stealing for. When he quit that job, you know, like a Mercedes, a condo.

The owner's not even driving. They were robbing him blind. But it was a dirty lumberyard because they did dirty business. They had an account with the town. Which meant that if A.J. Benza was a commissioner, he could redo his garage. Sure. Are you kidding? The town, nobody would know.

And they would play like they didn't know. AJ comes in. So everyone was making money. It was a big, yeah, it was a big year. It was all. It was the biggest thief. It was a big year. And he lived, and the guy who owned it lived in the town called Kennerworth, New Jersey.

That's really rich. That's a nice place. And who else lives in Kenneworth, New Jersey at the time? I don't know. The great Sam, the butcher. Oh, is that right? Kenneworth? Yeah, Kenneworth, New Jersey.

I used to have to go up there and see the man and drop up a little house and stay in the car as a little kid. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I lived with, when my mother had that barn, we lived in North Bergen. I hung out with a family, and their family used to always take us on little rides. But let me tell you what, I mean, I don't understand hustle because you can't teach your child hustle. Now, my kid has no idea. He's only kid 10, but I can know.

Congress came out. Congress, everybody had Chuck Taylor's. Sure. Everybody in their mother had Chuck Taylor's. I want you to find the song, give me your money, please. by TKO by Bckman Turner overdrive

Give me your money please Okay Every Saturday morning At 7 30 in the morning Me and this guy Frankie B He would pick me up When I was around 12 or 11

And we would drive To Englishtown New Jersey To the funny cars Yeah it was a track Yeah English town But they also had a flea market out there And if you drove Three or four miles down

Hold now Let me hear that's it. Yeah. Me and this kid with smoke pot and listen for this. I got it. All the way down there was over and over. Because we were like

he was three or four years older than me. He could drive and I couldn't drive. Right. Watch. Robin music, it is. Give me your money. Please.

So we used to go down there on Saturdays, and there was a subcontracting place in South Jersey that worked for Converse, and they would stitch the sneakers up for Converse. Something they did there, and the mistakes they would throw them in a dumpster. Oh, forget it. So I would jump in a dumpster. The first week I fucked up because I came back with unmatching sizes. I was going to say, yeah. So I came back with two sevens that were for the right foot. Right.

Then I figured out, if you're going to go down there, clean out the whole mess. So I cleaned out the whole mess. 16 of them will be Fugazisies. But the other ones would be Julius Irving limousines for the feet. I would take them home, shoe lace them up, and sell them for, they were $21 at the store. Yeah, Chuck tells. And I would sell them. I would ask 15.

Yeah. If I'd take it. Yeah. But I'd sell 10 of those fucking things every weekend. Me and him were splitting $100, $200, $200. No, it's easy. Are you kidding me? Banaka was down there.

The knack. The mouth spray. You know many times I jumped into that Benaka fucking dumpster? Banaka. That was the big. And we'd steal. It was close to the Union City. And I'd steal all the mistakes that had a lot of peppermint.

And they'd spray their things and they'd be off. That's the smell of every date in high school. They had Bonaca had a spray. And Bonaca also had a little container. The drops. That you put it on your tongue. Strong. I remember I put more on my dick one day.

I was a bet. I put one on my dick one day, dog. I bet that thing stung for two days. I was about 13. You can't. The bonnetta drips on the tongue was strong. Oh, my God, Lee. It was a little bottle like this.

What kind of bet is that? It was like an oil. Listen, it lasted all night. But my scam was in college, I worked at Macy's in Bayshore. And I didn't want to work at a register. I wanted to do maintenance, which meant you take a card around, you take all the hangers from behind the register, empty the garbage can. but I also had a key to go in the fragrance section.

Now, where all the ladies sold, you know, in the 70s, cologne was huge. Cologne's a perfume. Huge business. Everybody had the perfume and the right cologne, Paco Raban, all that shit. So I would be able to go in the cage, which had all the fucking cologne for the holiday season. But if Macy's the way they deal with it, if the rapper come back with a leak or if it's ripped, it's not good enough to put on the shelves at Macy. So it's putting the, what do you call it, the glass case.

So they have to send that back to the manufacturer. send it back to Calvin Klein, send this back to Coros, we can't use it, there was a leak in the box. I'd take all, I said, I'll throw them out, I put them in the fucking, in the wagon, and we had a trash compactor. And next to the compactor, it was like eight inches of daylight between the cement wall in the back parking lot and the compactor. And I found that, and I fucking chiseled away at it more, and I was able to push a whole bag of colognes out every few nights.

My nephew would grab a bag or my buddy Chigula. And then we'd go to a guy in Massa Peak with three towns down. who had a flea market on Sunday and Saturdays and he'd give us $5, $6 a bottle and he'd sell it for $14, whatever the fuck it was. It was easy. No one cares at a flea market if there's a little, you know, they're getting cheap perfume.

I'm getting free, you know, it was a fucking, it was like a few hundred bucks a month. It was easy. I lived in a world that was so, like I used to go to this doctor. My friend came to me one day and he goes, I'm doing steroids and I need more. And I don't know who to turn to.

And I started thinking about, You know what, I know a guy. And he was my family doctor. One day I showed up down there with a half a gram of Coke. In those days, I would just go to his office and cut in the line. What a half a gram? Sure. And he'd go, what?

Can you give me a prescription for Diana Ball and Winstrow v? Absolutely. That was the recipe. And he'd go, but I got to send it to a pharmacy. Give me the pharmacy. And I'd send them to this place in North Bergen. And I remember going there picking up. six bottles even the pharmacists were looking weird because they were such a scam

there was nothing was monitored no country anymore no you had an angle there was nobody who needed if you didn't need a job you knew how to work the system number one you got a job you went to that job right for fucking eight months you were dedicated you didn't miss you missed overtime but guess what happened one day Lee a box fell and you hurt your back yeah so now you got a loss settlement and you're on disability and they give you $450 a week because you were making top dollar union so now you're making $1,800 a month right right and you're not doing dick but guess what you hang out with me so every day you're picking up a nickel or rule yeah yeah

so either you make a nickel or you make $250 it's still gravy yeah you're pulling down 18 and you're making two grand hanging out with me all week at a bar eating the fucking lobster for lunch and Calamari and watch in General Hospital. Easy. Because by nine in the morning, we've already put three scams together. And now all we're waiting for is for Johnny and show up with that eight ball because we're going to throw a grandma cut on it.

We're going to sell it at cost. But now you and me have a grandma cook for tonight. All we got to do is pay for alcohol. It was all day. Every move was covered. Every move was covered. And if the move wasn't covered, the move was covered. So I got a grandma.

I got $60, I got $60,000, I got $60,000, let's buy a gram a blow, AJ's bartending at the federal tonight, give him two bumps, and we'll drink for free all night, we give him a $20 bill. It's the best. I mean, we drink for free, and I'm talking about $80 shots, the filet mignon, the whole thing, he takes care of the whole thing at the bar. Just like that, for giving them $20 and two lines of Coke, and maybe putting the quailout on the table.

I did that every week. Let me tell you. When I came out to New York, I put $20 in everybody's hands. $20 in everybody's hands. Every doorman, every chef, every waiter, before tipping, just because I'm in the room that night. And you know how far that fucking goes? Just $20 in someone's palm on a Tuesday night. And the next day you're there, can you get me that stuff?

Can you give me that? Can I get drugs? You got any pills? You're just wired in that room. The chef, you're wired with him. You're wired with the Made of D. It's amazing. Then you got 10 restaurants like that.

Dananas, they treat you like an animal. Once you put a half a yard in the guy's hand, whole different restaurant. You got a table and two fucking reds. And that's what I do. I call under my name now. You go to Christian. As soon as I walk and I give him a hug and I just put 50.

Wife, I don't know the mood. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to wait. I'm going to wait 30 minutes. I'm going to wait 30 minutes. I'm going to wait. You know what I'm saying? I got Lee with me.

The steak's hard. He's been dreaming of that. If I tell Lee on Monday, you think about him Thursday for chicken parmesan, he won't leave me alone. For three days at the end of every conversation. No, we can't. I can't wait to go out of tantas on Thursday.

Yesterday, it was, you know, I'm home every other week. Yeah. And there's times that, like, me and I like to take my wife for breakfast. That's nice. A day a week. Yeah. One day we do a lunch, and then Friday we do date night. But some nights I go, you know what?

I'd rather stay with the other one. Yeah. I eat my edible and we watch Captain Underpants. And I'm giggling like a motherfucker. I read for that fucking show. At 8 o'clock, I put him in the tub. and my wife comes home at 9.30, 10. She's got two beers in it.

She goes out with the school teacher. Oh, forget it. And they talk about kids. Yeah. They get it out of their system. And she eats a dinner, and at least my wife gets to get some oxygen. That's good. You know, so what the fuck are we talking? We were talking about getting people-wide restaurants $20.

She had the dantanas, the steak, the weight. You know, I forget. I'm fucking high on that weed. I don't know what the fuck I'm like. I think you're going to talk about the fried rice. No. Oh, yeah, so yesterday. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, so yesterday, I do a bunch of shit in the morning. You know, I dropped her off, but then I left my wife. I think my wife wanted to do breakfast. Nice. But I had to run errands. I had to meet this guy. And I get home, and she comes in from shopping. And I know she wants to talk to me, but I just walked in from kickbox, from Jiu-Jitsu,

which means for an hour and a half, I left my phone in the car. Now I get in it, and there's seven messages, and three people I definitely got to call back. Yeah. So when I get home from working out, I take my dirty laundry. As soon as I walk in, I throw the water bottle in the sink, I turn the hot water on the disinfected from my Germans of Jiu-Jitsu. I take the ghee, the raskard, the underwear, and I throw on the laundry basket. I slice all the bag, and I go in the room, and I put electrodes on my back.

Oh, that's great. And I put the computer on it, and now I answer all those messages and all those codes. Right. With the electrodes in my back, I get up with the electrodes. I smoke a bowl to get my appetite going. Good. Once the electrodes wear off, I take them off, I take a shower. When I come out, my wife makes lunch.

Perfect. So yesterday she came in, I go, honey. She goes, I'm starving. I can't fucking do this right now. Let me answer these emails. I can see she was disappointed. I'm sitting there answering all this shit. And right as I was smoking that bowl, I had the electrodes on my bag.

I go, listen, you're hungry? She goes, I'm fucking starving. I go, give me 20 minutes. I'm going to go down there on Cochinito. Oh, good. Now, he's been sick. There's no ethnic food around here. When you're sick.

When you get sick, guys, you go home the first night as soon as you're feeding it, you pop it there flu, unless you got a prescription for those pills, Tammy flu. Yeah, Tammy flu. I got two of them at the house. You got to hold on to them. Hold on to them. And even the expired ones? Yeah, that doesn't mean shit.

Exploration dates of bullshit. Yeah, that's bullshit. They're full of crap. So you take, as soon as you feel a little something and you take a little hit of weed, like I'm not frustrated with Lee. I know he had bronchitis. But I wanted him to eat. Go to garlic.

Get some. Jewish jelly and garlic. There's just so much things you have to eat when you get sick. I've been drinking tea like a motherfucker. Tea don't do that. Tea's nothing, yeah. Tea does dick. You got to put spice in your body.

You got to get your blood moving, man. Jewish lightning. You got to put tea with brandy and a shot of whiskey in there and then sweat it out with a blanket. Yeah. This old remedy. Italian Jews. That's shit that you make honey. That's got.

And lemon. Warm red wine, honey and rocote and honey. That's what I have. They want you to drink. They want you to eat. It's candy. They want you to drink, try, a minute, and fucking cough drop so you fall in there.

What you really need is an old Spanish grandmother, everything an old Puerto Rican. They make the soup with the chicken bones in it. And you get those chicken bones in the soup and that puts you right back, tip-top magoo. We don't have this here. When you get a cold, the best thing to drink, old school, what do women wash their pussy with?

Vinegar. I have it in my... I'm sour soup. Apple-side vinegar. I have two bottles of oil. sour soup. Oh, hot and sour soup and you get cold. That vinegar drink takes the whole fucking flu. Vinegar's the best. Yeah. Out of your system. Sorry, I had to put it like that. What do you want?

Your monkey with? Listen. Now, every night I goggle or swallow it. Really? I've heard about people doing that. Even at the end of my salad, I always drank the rest of the vinegar in the bowl. I love that shit. I love that. If it makes your nose run and it makes your hot, it's good for you. You know, if it makes your body start activating, it's good. You're sweating. Your nose is running. You're all fucking and you're crazy.

chair. Let's not some T did that to you. That's treasfully shit. So it's funny, I go, let's go down and tell Cochinito. I wash my pussy and we got in the car. I took it down El Cotchenito. And we met Duncan.

Oh, yeah? My buddy Duncan. Duncan, yeah. Trussell. And we talked about the comedy store in a bunch of shit. And then I ordered, I go, let me call me. I go, take two hits off a vagina. You're not going to want to. Because I didn't tell him to get hungry. I go,

just take two hits off. He didn't know why he was doing. I didn't know. Okay. So I called him. I'm 10 minutes away. He came down. I gave him fucking a sleeping pill and a fucking box of this. It's the greatest thing.

Coano, whatever you go to a Cuban restaurant, the last thing on the menu is going to be. Case of guava? No, it's going to be a cro frito especial. Something special, special, fried to special. That means it's fried pork? Fried pork? Oh. Special Chinese rice.

No. pork, ham, chorizo, shrimp. Fucking amazing. It's like a paella. It's like a paella. It's like a paella. It's really dark. It's really pungent.

Spicy a little bit. They put fried toton, not totonas, but the Maduro's around it. Yeah. Holy shit. I go, Lee, take the sleeping pill, eat half of it. Because I got the recipe for that. Eat half of it. Listen, I had 103 fever one time in a hotel room. after I did three eight balls in a week, one of those weeks

where you get the flu, your body breaks down. There was two feet of snow, and I had to walk the shop right with fucking sneakers on. I was going to get pneumonia. How I didn't get pneumonia. And how I did it was I smoked dope and I went in a shower. I kept going in the shower. I made the tea, the British steel, where you get the lemon tea

and shot of whiskey and lemon and honey. And I drank that shit and you bundle yourself up. The bronchitis he has. That's tough. If he goes to the gym and he comes out and the wind hits his back, that's when you're in trouble. That's why I went to pneumonia. I was in New York.

That's a six-weeker. Four days in New York with one degree temperature and I came home and that's when I found that I had pneumonia two years ago and almost killed me. A month in the hospital, surgery inside of my chest, they took my lung out, scraped it off. Fucking horrible. But I thought I just had bronchitis. I kept working and hustling.

I was filming a show, taping a show. And I would come home. Papa Xanax, drink NyQuil like it was a fucking soda, and knock out. Knock out. Doctor said, if you did that a couple more nights, I don't know if you make it to the hospital. Because my kidneys were shutting down because I take a blood pressure pill and a cholesterol pill. But the over-the-counter meds like NyQuil and contracts, that's no good for you. That's no good.

I didn't know. So I'm dumb-knit. I'm fucking dumb. If you're taking a blood pressure pill, don't do it. Okay, then you're fine. You're too young yet. But boom, and then that shut my kidneys down. You've got to be really careful.

I was dehydrated? With the sleep apnea machine, I always have a gallon of fucking water. Yeah. And even though we're over 50, so we pee eight times. They say, I'd rather pee at me. Sometimes I don't drink water for so long, my ankles start to hurt from my skin being so dry. Like when I went to Colorado a few weeks ago, it got so fucking dry. Maybe it got so fucking dry.

Maybe because you're up there, maybe? Did it happen in LA? Oh, the altitude, sure. The altitude fucking killed me. But one time I stopped taking my blood pressure pill, I got lazy. I said, I go to the pharmacy tomorrow. it turned into like nine days that I hadn't taken it like five years ago and I started touching my shin for some reason and it was like it felt like my shin was like there was water in there because I pressed

my finger and they'd leave a dent I go that's not my body I call it the pharmacist is great I said that this is he goes when did you stop taking a pill I said like a week ago I lied he goes get the fuck down here now you can't stop taking those pills you'll fall down you're not getting up yeah so he said that's edema you get you filling up with water it goes you know I want to in a day and a half, but it was alarming. I'm getting to the age now where you go, that's not good. So if you start getting the deemate, do you, they give you diuretic, you need a pill with a diuretic,

so you pee a lot of liquid out. My blood pressure pill is a natural diuretic to begin with, so I'm up five times a night. They say you're up once for every decade you're alive. I used to get up three times a night, and I ordered this thing beyond raw, from GNC. Oh, yeah?

And it's got like a bunch of stuff in it, so if you work out, you take that, it gives you extra protein and shit I take an hour before I go to bed and I do sleep I sleep five before I have to pee That's good Five in a row before you pee and then one time Then I get another two

And I'm good I'm tip top Magoo After I get the two You know what I'm saying Tip top Magoo Once you get The fucking two Hold on there

Trying to fucking reach here Let me give some shout out to my motherfucking peeps here Always in the house Gray Smith Steve McGee Juan Carlos, Maurizio della Peta, Nuno Sousa, Jiggy McSauce, crazy flips,

Jersey-made New Jersey, my brother, and my man, Steve Camiso, you bad motherfucker. Thank you. Don't forget, Cogsuckers tomorrow night, Columbus, Ohio, it's sold out already, you fucked up. I'm not adding no shows. I'm an old man. I'm tired. You go. A little something to go there.

A little cheech pastiche to go. And don't forget, May 3rd, I'll be at the improv till May 5th. Sinko on a mile. Smell that fart. It's tremendous. It smells like fritos soup. It smells like asai bowl from the greenhouse

juice house on Lancashim. I went there for breakfast. I wanted to clean out my system. I had a nice antioxidant bowl, which is cherry extract, a little assaye, some fucking vanilla, a few bananas. and they grind it up.

Then they put a little granola. They put some goo fucking berries. Very healthy. They put some coconut. Nice. Fucking delicious. Wow. What is it called again?

It's called the greenhouse jucery. I have to go over there and see what I should do after this. Dog, let me tell you some. I take it to the greenhouse. And you drink a little cancoupia. They have can't have. Yeah, that's around. Hundreds and thousands of ounces of fucking cambuch.

You like it? Oh, the grape, the ginger ale, the cherry over there. Yeah? You get to try it. You drink that that cleans your stomach out. Okay. Nicey, nice. You know what I'm saying?

What the fuck you think you're dealing with? Joey Banana? You're giving you bad fucking advice. If you go to the Greenhouse, tell them Uncle Joey sent you. They're great fucking people. They're half Puerto Rican. I love them.

Half the people who work there, P.Rs. So if you go in there, Yel Borequah, and they'll give you a free fucking straw. I don't think I'm allowed to yell Borequah. Am I allowed to yell Borequah? No, you're not allowed to yell Borequah

because you're fucking whatever. Don't forget, I'm all so. at the Tempe Improv, the third to the fifth. What else is going on in your world, Papa? Talk to me. You know what? I'm looking for a reason, because tomorrow and I's the 18th.

I'm going to be doing a soft podcast. I'm going to sell and sign some books at Rock and Raleys on Sunset Boulevard in West Hollywood. Meet and greet, sell some books. You know, I haven't done anything on the road in my podcast yet. So this will be the first time meet some people. And we'll see what happens. Good for you, man.

You got to get out there. You got to get out there. You got to get out there. You know, it's so weird. it's a different time now let's say right now you had your show on the show lasted six years and on top of that you did a podcast on the side

behind the scenes now the show ends you don't end because you still carry that network the same brain thought right so it's such a different mentality now with the podcast world that you can retain if Seinfeld

well let's say not Seinfeld but the little guy with the bald head Jason Alexander yeah if he would have had Facebook on the way out of Seinfeld, you retain all those fans. Sure you do. And all those people. Me, we don't have fans here.

The church, we're motherfucking family here. There ain't no church. There's no family. This ain't fucking Olive Garden, bitch. We're the church. We're a fucking solid family. We help each other out when we can.

You know, I try to go to the message board and fuck around with people that Dickie Syatt and my other brother are running. What's his name again? Scott Cunningham. Scott fucking Cunningham. I got so high. I couldn't remember him.

You're very accurate. I see you always talking to people online on social media. You always pop on, take care of people. That is why social media is for. I love it. There's a lot of people who come at your fucking weird. You can't go out.

I know, you can't. There's people who write loss on the web page. They know that I've gone through a loss. Yeah. And I want to condones them. You know, I want to let them know I'm there. They're fucking there for me. That's what you got to do.

You got to listen. This is not, I don't want you to be one of those people that listen to 20 podcasts and you're moving around. No, no, no. I want you to watch us. Grow, I want to be there when you suck, and I want to be there when you're good. The Yankees are never always good. Right.

Some years they suck. That's why I respect the guy like Nick Latoural. I'm on forever. Because these guys are Yankee fans. Yeah. They don't buy a Yankee at the week of the fucking thing. You know, I got Bob Lillengis and Bobby Sharon and look at who I was with last night. Garnett came to the fucking comedy show.

I took a picture with him, but I got a hat on it. I look like I'm too fat. He's got a guy. He's garnett. whatever from Canada. He hung out with Tripoli and stuff like that. He's a great fucking kid. You know, we have certain, you can't run

a quick one on us. No. We know who's been here since day fucking one. From Cleveland. The Golden. Spooky. We know Leon. We know. Can't be a halfway crook.

What's my little young brother up there doing kicking people's pet pussy up there? The 18-year-old kid. Oh, and the World War? No, the fucking kid up in Canada. Oh, Cash is more. I'm supposed to be on it already, but once I get better, I'm going to be on this podcast again. We know who's been there since day one.

So I want to appreciate you guys for always kissing. And do me a favor. Give AJ Benza a try. AJ Benza got a lot of knowledge. He knows gossip. He knows who the dick is getting sucked before he does. AJ Benza, if somebody's dick is getting sucked and there's a wire in the room. It used to be mine.

Now I know who's it is. He gets the fucking email. So it's Harvey's cousin is getting his dick suck. Harvey Jr. is back in town and shit. You know, broke Trump's story, that story that just hit, maybe as a love child? I broke that last Sunday in my show.

It came out in the newspaper's Thursday. I broke that a week and a half ago. I know the chick's name. No one knows. Judy Centron. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, don't worry about that. There you go.

Oh, that's a good one. See, that's what you get from those outside of you vote? Oh, that's from the IC. Oh, he's, he's wafted it up. You got to live this far. It's tremendous. It's a far year. to be congested.

I'm in the fucking, I'm in the hot box seat, too. This is going to zip right through your fucking nose. Between the bronchitis and your asshole. I'm in the middle of a fucking... It's tremendous as shit. A mash unit. I'm happy you came out to the end up. You're kidding me.

I love it. Yeah, the studio where you tape is next to my juice place. Oh, that's the place you go. You came in talking about, okay. There's got Joe's coffee there. I go there's shit. Every Sunday. Joe's the man.

I go to, uh, movie tie with him. And then three doors down is the greenhouse. And the, you know what? Solid. That pizza place isn't bad either. Which one? Mama, what the hell's... No, don't tell me that.

No, no, listen, for a big pie, for... Listen, no, no, I'm not talking about... Well, everything, this is fucking Los Angeles. No, no, no, no, this is... That comes... What, no, it can't be. I swear it. No, not Mamas. Yes, yes.

How'd you see it? Please. And then... I'm gonna tell you, I'm a fucking New York, John's Pizza, Toconese. Every time you go in there, it smells like armpit. It's a different day. It's a different day. It's not a Mexican dog.

Don't go in there no more. Please, don't even talk about it. Only, my wife, instead of getting to fucking, well, look, don't go in there. Here, I'll tell you why I'm going to talk about. I won't, I won't. The alternative was, so on Friday, said kids want my kids want to pizza, and my kids don't know it from New York pizza.

They've been to Johns. They've been to John's once. Yeah, Papa Johns, what do you want to go? Papa Johns is good, and I hear, go, how could you order that shit? Get, let's go, at least go to a pizzeria. Find a good pizza place. Danielle's on Laurel Canyon. All right, Laurel, but I'm on Kowang and Magnolia, but I can, I'll take a ride for pizza.

Nice, nice. And you get it. Daniels? Don't make them make it there. The best place is Lodgemon. You've got to get it with the old school. That's a good place. That's a good.

A little too far from now. Then he sold. Then he opened up two of them and he got greedy. The problem with that place, it was too much drama to get a slice. Oh my gosh. I got to pay for it. She's got the sheets of paper.

She puts in the window. It's a scene. You got to put it up. And it's a scene. And then you got to sit and wait for the slice. That's not where the slices. A slice is. Oh, boom.

Here's a dollar. You throw it in. You throw it in. You take my money and you take it out and give it to me. I don't give a fuck of your dollar. There's fucking oil dripping on your wrist. I don't care if your fingers got AIDS on it. Of course not.

Just give me my fucking slice cut sucker. That's why there's nothing better than walking down in New York City Street with a slice of pizza and oil going down your wrist. AJ Benza, you're a fucking trip. You know, anyway, listen to me. Are you hiring, posting your position at job sites and waiting and waiting for the right people to see it? What are the chances? You know what I'm saying?

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The best way to hire someone. Don't forget, Columbus is sold out tomorrow night, so don't even bother. But May 3rd through the fucking 5th. Tampi, Arizona. Oh shit. We're coming in deep with the Agostino.

It's fucking three days of fucking. fucking Bevlam. You understand me? So I'll see you cock suckers in Tempe. And don't forget to keep the fucking struggle. We're going down deep, motherfuckers. Again, I want to thank my man, A.J. Benza. Anytime. And I want to thank my little brother, Lysay. I want to thank you guys for being family every week. Thank you very much for listening. Have a great weekend. Beautiful. There are 17-year-old boys and their idea fun It's beating in a gang called the disciples high on crack Totoing a machine gun Times Ceiling off a church and kill everyone inside

You turn on the telly and every other story is telling you somebody died A sister killed her baby because she couldn't afford to feed And one sending people to the moon September my cousin tried reef her for the very first time Time now he's good horse it's June rocket ship makes me star wars fly neighbor should shine at home but if a night falls and a bomb falls will everybody see the dome time time