The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #578 - Dean Delray

Episode Date: April 24, 2018

Dean Delray, Comedian, actor seen on "Maron," and heard as the Host of the "Let There Be Talk" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:    FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 04/23/2018.


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It's Monday the 23rd of April. Out of respect. Oh shit. Monday afternoon, you bad motherfuckers. Too much for granted, you fuck. And all the time it had grown. Church of what's happened now. The Christ killer.

Team Del Rizzi. Yeah. Here we go. You fat motherfuckers Wrapping man the bruns Oh shit A secret to see Judas Last night

A death Fucking metal gods The best Oh man Judas Priest The reason why I opened up with that Is my brother My musical fucking mentor

Dean Del Rizzi Went to see Judas Priest last night What's the review brother Smoking man Are they really good? Yeah you know they, first of all, the fucking show was packed.

It was at the big one, the Nokia Theater. They changed the name Microsoft. It holds, I think, about 8,500, seated. And that thing was full to the gills. And then their stage show looked like in 80s,

like they spent money. Like, a lot of bands out there are going cheap now. They just got a couple screens over the amps, you know? These guys had a fucking show, man. They put the money.

in and killed. They're playing old shit, running wild, sinner. It was like one, two punts, running wild into sinner. I was like, oh, I already got the money's worth right here. Right there. Yeah. And the lineup was tremendous. Oh, they had Saxon, which to me is one of the greatest, you know, new waves of British heavy metal bands, you know, Saxon with denim and leather and Dallas 1 PM, motorcycle man. Those guys are underrated. man, underrated. I never really got into them. I was past. I was like into something else when they were out. They were killer. It was like at the time. Them and Maiden. That one would why? Uh, we had accept. Maiden, Saxon. I don't really know much. Yariah Hexon. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

No, Uriah Heep is an old band. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I know about Uriah. That shit, man, Saxon is just, they got the singer, his name's Biff Bififord. And he, the guy can Still right now, he's probably like, I don't know, Lee, look it up. The guy's probably like 72 or something. Now, what about Halford? How did he sound? He sounded amazing. Did he do victim of changes?

That was the only one they didn't do. They did an old song off staying class, but they didn't do victim. Not Saints in Hell. Yeah, oh, yeah, they did Saints and Hell. That's so long with the guitar? He's 67. Sixty-seven. Now, what about, you said at the end, Tipton came out?

Yeah, then the last three songs, Metal Gods. What was the other one he did? Living After Midnight and one other song, he came out. It was amazing how they did it. They went off and then boom, he just appeared by himself on stage. All dark, just a spotlight on him. People went crazy and he whipped into metal gods. He was doing the moves, had the shades on, the leather.

He looked great, played great. It was awesome to see him. You know, there's things you remember in, young. life there's things you do and then people remind you and you see your friends especially when you get the 50 yeah 40 you see your friends from high school and they were men you I was such a Sabbath Led Zeppelin guy like that's all I needed you know what I'm saying at one point in my life that was all I needed then my buddies turned me on to let it's skin and it's like ah but street survivors was just so good yeah

but I was still like loyal to them and then one day I'm in study hall and this kid Steve running that I still talk to the kids of my nieces I'm going to her wedding August 1st in Denver I mean you know they're my family at that time little did I know that they were going to adopt me yeah me and him were in study class

and he passed me to cassette to Unleashed in the East and I remember taking it home going I am not listening to this junk like I'm not listening to this junk this is fucking junk really Judas fucking priest what kind of name is fucking that yeah you know at that

I still had that little faggy Catholicism mentality. Like, I wouldn't listen to master reality. I didn't like that pope on the rope at the end of the rope. You think he's a fool? I wasn't into that shit yet. And something made me put it on. And I took the long version. Like, usually I put one song on and I could tell you.

Like, this shit's just not going to work. Yeah. I let the whole cassette run. And by the time they got the center, that's the one I forget what side I what side was on the cassette I forget that order of shit yeah but I knew when he was like the sit-ah yeah the guitars came in and the victim of changes fucking took me to a different level oh and just on the strength of those two songs it was like a quick transition I became a priest fan the first priest album I bought was I went

gave the cassette back and bought Unleastern East. Yeah. And I could not believe how great they sounded. Like we grew up on live music and albums. You know, the other day, I was in Columbus, and I felt like talking about it on stage. Yeah. I'll tell you what the biggest kick I got for me was growing up,

between the ages of 12 and 17. Really, the years that my mother was alive, 16, I'll tell you why, because you have to put them together to be allowed to do. And that's something that we don't have in this country no more called the midnight movie. Oh, yeah. Every Saturday, there was a midnight movie. The movie theater, if there was two movie theaters, let's say if it was Lemley, they would have two movie theaters going.

One would definitely be the Rocky Horror Picture Show at midnight. Every time. And the other one would be, at that time. The song remains the same. It would be, the song remains the same. Pink Floyd Live at Pompey. Yeah. Neil Young with the crew.

They had a movie that came out for a while, boring as fuck. Yeah, yeah. You know, even high on acid, you're bored to pieces. But then Neil Young came out with Crazy Horse. That movie came out, I think. There were a couple bands who had movies. The memorable two were Pink Floyd Live at Pompeii, and...

Sorry remains the same. They probably had an eight fucking... eight fucking movie rotation at this Fairview Cinema but we but I tell you what movie they did have at midnight one Saturday because it was just overwhelming Apocalypse now. We went to the midnight and it was just heavy fucking duty like at midnight when that double barrel sunshine is peaking like when that acid is peaking when you're tripping you're freaking out on the bus you're getting off the bus you don't even know if it's a red light or a yellow light or You just walk across the street.

Your friend has to pull you out of the street because you're tripping. You think the car's 30 miles or what, 30 yards away, but he's really three feet away. Like, that's how sizzling we'd be when we'd stand online for that movie theater. And it wouldn't just be us. If there was 80 people standing online, 60 of them were tripping balls just like we do with the same acid from the same neighborhood we got in. And sneaking booze in, too. Sneaking booze in. Wolf Schmidt made those flat vodka bottles.

You get the big one. Wolf Schmidt. The silver label. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Down the pants. Yeah, right down the fucking pants. And you got something inside the drink it with.

I had a friend who would just drink the silver label straight. I was never a vodka straight type of. No snack bar needed. No snack bar. No one. Brought our own shit. None of that shit. Once the movie turned off, once the light went down, Lee, you would hear 60, 30 of these.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. People flipping caps during the movie up in the air. So you're tripping on acid and all of a sudden you see a fucking thing flying through the air. People would take the beer caps off the caps. Flick them. Flick them.

And they would fly through. I could never do that. I was retarded. And you'd be tripping your balls off and all of a sudden the thing would go flying through. You thought it was a fucking. You thought it was a fucking flying saucer. It's amazing. I like to think that like, oh, the times have changed.

I just, the kids weren't doing that. was just one of those 20 kids who went sober, got a Diet Coke and a small popcorn and, like, did none of it. Like, I just, I went to one movie high in high school. And it was, it was hysterical, but like, I just didn't, I don't know. I don't know why I didn't do it. Oh, the late movie, the midnight movie was just the best. Because you were like, out, late style. I think Yes, had a movie. Yep. ACDZ, you let it be rock. We did not have that. Yeah. Later on, though, they had that. Never. I'm talking. This is. Yeah. 75 through 81. Yeah, these were the prime years of

Midnight films movie houses that specialized in three film afternoons Yeah, so especially in San Francisco. Yeah On the main street off the tender line was I think his mission right busy street there. Yeah, yeah, right there in that first intersection. There was a movie house that used to play three movies for two dollars. That's a You want a killing afternoon. Yeah, yeah. And you'd go in there at 1145 and walk out there at 6.15. You would just sit and guys, I did it a thousand times.

Yeah. I did it a thousand times. That's how I would keep up on the... They'd do a Clean Eastwood Festival. Oh, yeah. Eight Fest. Remember that one? Conquest.

The real fucking eight, that one eight movie I put it on the end. I couldn't even put it on. It's the most racist thing I've ever saw. I didn't feel like that when I watched the... first time I watched Planet of the Apes, I just felt like a kid. Now that I watched the new one with Marky Warburg, I'm like, this is the most racist fucking thing I have ever seen in my life. Yeah, I haven't seen that, but those early ones were just sci-fi.

Listen, bro, the fucking conquest of the Planet Apes, when they took the masks off underneath the tunnel in New York City. And I'm living in New York City. Yeah. So I'm fucking seven, and I'm living in New York City. And all of a sudden, there's guerrillas living underneath the fucking buildings because they showed the trains and they showed the Statue of Liberty. In conquest of the planet of the apes.

The statue was down. It's New York after the apocalypse. And it's run by apes and one good-looking fucking white dude. Yeah. I forget the blonde-head dude. I forget what his name was. Charlton Heston was the first one. Was he?

Yeah, he was the first one. That was so great, man. Remember the second one battle beneath the planet? Beneath is my favorite one. Yeah, where they're worshiping the nuclear bomb. The nuclear bomb? And they take their skins off. Yeah, that shit is creepy, right?

Oh, that shit was fucking. real. You left there going, whoa, wait a second. Yeah. And they had that creepy music playing. Oh, yeah. And it was beneath Conquest. Yeah. And then return to the planet of the apes. Yeah, yeah. It was five of them. Five of them. Yeah, eight day, man. My mom dropped me up at like 10 a.m. 10 a.m. dog. And you would sit there till 6.6.30. Oh, there. Eating popcorn and fucking. Yeah, but how much of it of it was the acid that

creeped you out? Well, at that time, though, you weren't doing it. Oh, yeah. They were just kids. If you went in there in the afternoon, you wouldn't be doing acid, then you'd be smoking pot. I think it was a way for our parents just to have a cheap babysitter. Yeah. You know what I mean? 50 cents. Yeah, nobody would bother you in there. You go with three of your friends.

You leave their fucking fired up. You sit there and watch Dirty Harry and the second one. Oh, yeah. You leave there fucking. I remember taking a Cuban refugee one time. And that was the first time. He was like, wouldn't you? Cleeneywood. I heard about him in Cuba.

I never saw one of his movies. It's like two bucks to get in. Magnum Force. Yeah, that's right. He didn't speak English. It was like Dirty Harry and Magnum Force. But it was the scene, that scene when he goes into the coffee shot. Oh, I love that. It goes back in.

Is the car smoking? Yeah. No, what does he say? He says, is the car running? He says, how would I know? He goes, Teo Pipe. He goes, ooh, that's terrible. Exhaust pouring out of there.

No, the other one. See if you can find it, Lee. when he goes in Dirty Harry coffee shop scene. Watch the coffee shop. Okay, let's check it out. When he goes back into the coffee shop, when you're, think of being a kid watching this. But here, for me, I went my godfather and afterward,

he went someplace to eat. And while I'm watching the movie, he goes, put your hand out under the table. And I go, okay. And he puts a fucking 44 magnum in my hand. Oh, he had one? And he goes, this is the gun that you saw in the movie. I'm like, holding his gun.

I got to be out of how old I am when I went to see that. Put your hand under the table. Just a fucking, just a piece. He took the fucking bullets out. He gave me the gun to hold. My dick was so hard. Here we go. Yeah, see,

Oh, this is a sudden impact. This is a later one. Oh, okay. Let's check this out. Check this out. You know the song? Yeah, check this out. God, I love him.

Dirty Harry's were my favorite, dude. Look at the shades, Gargones. No, no, no. This ain't that same. This is another? Okay. Hold on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is killer. Look, look, like this. Oh, yeah, I love this. You never saw this, did youly? No, I haven't yet. This is great. Oh, my fucking God. How much sugar is you going to put in that thing?

A cup of diabetes. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. Jesus Christ. Great scene. It's killing. Now you're a fucking kid, you know. Yeah. You're lifting weights. You did real good with that cop. Now I want everything.

Money, washes, rings, everything. You're coming with me, Mom. We're going to have us a little party, huh? I love this. I love this. Look at this. What you doing? The pig head sucker? Pig head sucker.

Yeah. Every day for the last 10 years, Loretta there has been giving me a large black coffee. Today she gives me a large black coffee, only that's got sugar. A lot of sugar. I just came back to complain. How you boys put those guns down.

He's by himself. No backup. Nope. No pardon. Nobody wanted to be his pardon. Four guys. Whoa. We're not just going to let you walk out of here.

Oh, me. Who is we, sucker? Smith and Wesson and me? Oh, my God, this is so great. God damn it, Loretta. This is great. This is what American was being. This was it.

Go ahead. make my day this is it this is it this is fucking as good as it gets they don't get any better no it doesn't when you were a kid

this is what you went to see you didn't go see a super fucking hero move look what I saw as a kid you didn't have time for fucking superheroes fuck your capes you know go ahead

make my day then he does the other one where he explains the gun to him I don't know with all this excitement I don't know how many shots are fire you're gonna fire six shots or only five. Ask him the cocky as psychic. And then the guy goes, I gots to know.

And he cocks back the hammer. Oh, that's one. Put that in, least six shots or five, man. That six shots or five. That Clint is too much. Oh, dude, this is why. He was my hero. If you show this the kids, they won't go into a school because they know motherfuckers like this exist. Yeah, yeah. They're thinking now superheroes exist and shit.

And by the time the superhero gets there, they fucking. Here it is. This is crazy shit. This is it right here. This is it, okay. This is the all-time best scene by Clint Eastwood of all time. Insane. This is so good.

Look at this. And all in San Francisco. Now, this is all San Francisco? Yeah, all San Francisco. That's what's amazing. You were a kid, and he's shooting movies. Yeah, yeah, right? All over town.

Oh, here we go. And this guy did every fucking movie in the world. Every movie. Every movie. Not much. He was the fucking salesman in the outlawed Josie Wells. Yeah, that guy's...

Hey, Jeff here. Is that Tan Ford still parked across the front of the bank? Tan 4. I love this. It's my favorite. Yeah, 104. Engine running? I don't know.

How can I tell? Source fumes coming out of the tailpipe? Ooh, that's awful. Look at that pollution. Ten. Dude. Give me a favor, with you? Is this a call his telephone number?

Reached a poppin? Yeah, tell him, Inspector Callahan thinks there's 2-11 in progress in the bank. Got him? By the time. Be sure in telem, that's in progress, right? In progress. Yes, sir. Dude, just genius, the acting film.

The police would destroy the salmon. Absolutely. destroyed the seventh. Absolutely. From the fucking eager sanction to this. Yeah. To fucking, I mean, he destroyed

the fucking 70s and half of the 80s. Every which way but loose. Every which. The one with the fight? Yeah, yeah. Every which way would loose. Yeah, yeah, with the ape. The gauntlet.

Look at this. Oh! He's eating a hot dog. Yeah, he's eating a hot dog. That's as American as it gets. Shooting people eating a fucking hot dog. That's American. cocks suckers.

I love this scene. Taking dudes out. And he always shot black people and nobody ever complained. The NCAACP, it was just accepted that Clint East was shot black people. Oh my God. Here you go. I got to know. That's my favorite.

And that guy did a thousand movies. That black dude has been a thousand movies. I love how there's just cars driving around. round this is great he's not in any rush nope he's just walking he walking this guy did a thousand fucking movie he really did a James bomb movie look at uh uh you had plenty of time to grab that gun i know what you're thinking did he fire six shots or only five well to tell you the truth and all this excitement i've kind of lost track myself but even

and this is a 44 magnet, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off. You've got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do you, punk? Hey. That's how the film opened.

Can you believe this shit lately? This is, I think, pressing, uh, pressing, uh, this fucking guy, outlawed Josie Wales with the Indian chief. Oh. This is my all-time favorite.

This is one of my all-time favorite scenes as a man. It's one of my all-time favorite scenes as a fucking film buff. Like that scene with him and the Indian to me is just, I don't know who wrote it. The guy's just fucking, look at all the classics he did, dude. You know? Just a line of classics. Right there, that first one, right there. Just listen to his verbiage.

he says it oh man this scene this is just american this can be this is 77 this is i was fucking 14 the first time i saw this i saw this in the movie theater and i nearly died like i walked out of there i wanted to be an indian like that day i was done like i got to figure out how to become an indian like this is yeah this is the only thing we have yeah like i wanted to be part of this shit you know he jumps now this guy's son has reached out to me Oh yeah? This guy did two movies. This and he was the Indian and you name it, one float with a cuckoo's nest.

Oh, my favorite. Yeah. Oh, chief. Chief. This is chief. Oh. Dude. Chief.

Oh, here you. I always wanted to look like Eastwood in these movies, you know? Walk around town like that with a hat. Fucking dirty beard. I've seen this scene, I gotta say, 500 times. I watched this movie. Yeah. I watched it three times two weeks ago.

It was on, like, OFC, we're commercials and everything. Yeah, yeah. I watch up to this while I'll leave, and I know it's coming back on at 11. Yeah. I'll come home and catch the beginning of this with the woman in Kansas, the salesman. This has 50 fucking good scenes when the Indian questions him. Oh, man. Look at this.

Are you 10 bears? I am 10 bears. Chief. Spit. Yeah. I'm Josie Wales. I have heard. I would have a great rider.

You would not make peace with the blue coats. You may go in peace. I reckon not. I would wear one of those hats. Me too. You will die. Right? I'd wear one of those.

I think I'm half commensche. I love to be a fucking commensual. Sick. I live with you. Dying ain't so hard for men like you and me. It's living. It's hard. And all you've ever cared about has been butchered or raped. Governments don't live together.

People live together. Governments you don't always get a fair word or a fair fight while I've come here to give you either one or get either one from you. I came here like this so you'll know my word of death is true, and then my word of life is then true. The bear lives here, the wolf, the antelope, the Camacho, and so will we. I will only hunt what we need to live on, same as the Camacho does. And every spring, when the grass turns green, the Camacho moves north, You can rest here in peace, butcher some of our cattle and jerk beef for the journey. The sign of the Camacho that will be on our lodge. That's my word of life.

And your word of death? Here in my pistols, there in your rifles. I'm here for either one. These things you say we will have. We already have. That's true. I ain't promising enough extra. I'm just giving you life and you're giving me life. And I'm saying that men can live together without butchering one another. Sick. It's said that governments are chieped by the double tongues.

There is iron in your words of death for all commands you to see. And so there is iron in your words of life. No sign paper can hold the iron. It must come from men. The words of tin bearers carries the same iron of life and death. It is good that voice. It is good that warriors such as we meet in the struggle of life or death. It shall be life.

It's a masterpiece, Joey. Dog, I would faint right there. If I had to cut my hand and shaking Indian sand, I would faint. But I'd have to do it. I'd have to keep it together and breathe. Right? Look at this shit. Blood brothers, yeah.

And they're shaking left hands, which is fucking really weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is just fucking tremendous. Oh, man. You don't understand. I hold the American Indian, like, if I'm... I had to join. I don't want to be part of an organization.

I won't even fucking go over and hang out with those guys on where comedy, whatever, where the podcasts are and shit. Yeah, yeah. Like, I don't like it. I don't like it. You know, it's weird that different people who talk to you in their life. When I was selling cars in 87, about a month before I got arrested, I was out of control, Dean. Yeah.

Like, I was out of control on the blow. And I knew I had these guys at the dealership. I knew I was a good salesman. and I bought a car from them one day and I fucking, they hit me with like all these bills, additional bills, they tried to rob me and I went and grabbed the fucking sledgehammer and got on the cars on Saturday

in front of all the customers. And I said, if I don't get my money in 10 minutes, I'm gonna start breaking fucking windshield on here. So they gave me a check and they sent me home for the day. I remember I went home with this guy called Carlos Valverdi.

He got busted shortly after that for bank robbery. He was a beautiful Italian kid Cuban Italian kid or Puerto Rican Italian kid from Boston and he was a bank robber at lunch time Like he would rob a bank at lunch go to lunch rob a bank with his friends and then go back to work like nothing happened Oh man, but they were hooked on heroin these guys Yeah I'll never forget one day he get that day he gave me the right home he asked me if he could use the bathroom And he was in there for a fucking an hour when he came out I could tell what heroin was I'd been around it but the point of the story is

When I went back to work that Monday, the owner called me in the office, and he sat me down. He was an old, cool, fucking white dude, you know, country boy. And he looked at me and goes, as anybody told you, he goes, you're one of my favorite people here. When I come to work in the morning, sometimes I just sit here and watch the monitors and watch you out there fucking around with customs, how you talk to him and stuff. Yeah. He goes, but anybody ever tell you, you're just a born, right again. I felt a love with him. Yeah.

He goes, you don't do nothing of what we tell you here. Yeah. But you still produce. Yeah. So I can't argue with you. I'm the same way, Jerry, when I sold the Harleys. Yeah. They go, you got to wear this.

I'm like, nah. You got to do this. I did everything. I wouldn't go to sales meetings. All the other guys. I just want to sell cars, bro. Yeah, all the workers would be like, well, fucking Dean doesn't do any of that.

Yeah, but Dean sold 18 bikes this week. Yeah. I would fucking kill them. Like, all of them are still having the, like, Every month some fucking Anthony Robbins comes in tight. Oh, those guys. To increase your sales. Oh, the worst, right?

And the whole sales force goes like suckers. And you stay there by yourself, selling cars like a motherfucker while they're at learning. I wasn't into none of that shit. Me either. Like I went to one Anthony Robbins seminar. I got robbed. Yeah.

I took the notebook home. I did the exercises. I was still snorting coke. It didn't work. Yeah, yeah. You know, if the notebook didn't work, I'm going to give you a thousand to walk on colds. You're fucking crazy.

I'm gonna burn my feet, fucking walk on calls. Well, you know, the thing about sales, man, it's you gotta understand survival. And if people don't have survival skills, they'll be terrible at sales. Because if they've got like backup plans or money in the bank or family or whatever, they're gonna be horrible because they don't have any like,

I've got to sell this, you know? It's really weird. I've enjoyed my life because of the decision I made early on that I wasn't going to work for an hourly wage. Right. Like, I'm in a decision early on that here's my life, brother. Some months you make two grand and some months you make ten. But I'd rather live that uncertainty than live under an income roof.

Under a thumb. I did not ever want to have $15 a hour, $600 a week. I know exactly what I was going to bring home every week. I lived under a budget. Even back then, when I was selling cars at 25, I was reckless. in the sense that if I wanted to live the way I wanted to live

I had to sell cars it's a desperation thing it's a survival thing now how did I have to live in those days first off I had to go to fucking cocoa every night and get a burger and a fucking cocoa loco

that was you know I had to eat lunch out I had to buy suits I had to buy clothes I had to pay for dry cleaning I had to pay rent I had to have a nice place you know it wasn't fucking the Taj Mahal It was a bedroom I shared with guys, you know, like a three-house, three-bedroom house with guys.

But, you know, I want to do coke five nights a week. I want to be able to go to a bar and drink 50 bucks. So I would make my own budget of what I need every month in my head, and that's what I would strive for. But most dealers learn how to, you know, like most car dealerships in those days would give you a draw on the 15. Oh, remember that? It's like a loan. It's like a loan. Yeah.

So it's like, so what are your bills every month, Lee? My bills are this, this, this, okay, I'm going to give you that on the 15th every month. But on the 30th, it's the wash. So anything, if you had any over, did you ever owe them money? No, if you didn't sell any money? No, your goal is to double that, what they gave you. Right, that's your goal. So what you do is, like people like me and Dean did,

or the first two weeks, we sold everybody to suck our dick. We went to concerts. Yeah, yeah. We took that check from the 30th, paid our rent, and for two weeks we don't give a fuck. We don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, yeah.

Like sales call, there's a guy out there, he has a pile of an envelope filled with money. He's looking to buy a car. We'll go sell them a car. I'm not doing anything for me. You know what I'm saying? So after you got that $1,500 draw, now you got to make $15,000.

And that's when I would go to work. Yeah. Because that's when people buy a car, the last two weeks of the month. Absolutely. The first week is when they go look, they kick ties. The look you lose.

Unless they run into a salesman. Yeah. When I learned that term, you know, when somebody tells you they're not buying a car for six months, and all of a sudden you call them up two days later, and they're like, I bought a car, and you're like, what? Yeah. And you're like, oh, they ran into a salesman. Now I've got to become a salesman.

I was their friend. 100%. I opened the hood. I didn't try to close him because I thought, fuck you. After that, everybody got closed on the first try. Yeah. I berated you the first time in there because I knew I only had one shot at you statistically. Yep.

Through the stats, I know I only got one shot at. Yeah, there were a few people that you ask them one time. One of the million. And you back off and then you take this coupon and you take their name and give them a brochure. And you call them up and they come back two weeks later with their kid and buy the car. Yeah, those people do exist. But 80% of the time you got one shot at these fucking savages. That's it.

So you got to, you know what? Fuck all that nice guy's shit. Be nice, nice, nice. And then before they leave, you know, back. I had a friend Tom Holm. He was a loser. This guy was just a loser. Yeah.

I was, you know, we did a podcast a few weeks ago about comedy, and I really had to think about it before I came on. And I remember when I got separated, I had a spare bedroom. I could not afford this place by myself. My wife moved out, and I was first doing comedy, and my mortgage was out of fucking control compared. And he begged me to move in.

I'm like, you ain't moving in with me. He was one of these guys that came here for six months, were getting trouble and then go back to Colorado and get in trouble for six months. And he would tell me, oh, you gotta go to California and sell cars. You fucking surf half the day and you sell cars the other half the day across the street. People come in and give you money for cars.

By the way, let me have a hundred dollars and I give it to you on Tuesday. You just came back from California. You're selling cars every day. The guy was just Benny the Mooch, you know. But that dude could sell a fucking car. Yeah. Like his lifestyle was drinking, drugs.

He could sell a car because his addiction. See, those guys are they're addicted, they can sell. Yep. Those cracked little motherfuckers, you put them on a phone six hours a day, just enough until they snap. Yeah. Until they need that Coke rock again. Ooh. Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross.

Yeah. Always be closing. Always be closing. So, like, for the car I have now, I'm not going to go back there, but I bought two cars from the same salesman. You guys never thought, like, oh, let me be nice and treat. And, like, you wouldn't worry about them coming back? Well, they come back. They come back.

Once they buy a car, look, I bought five cars from this guy, six cars from the same fucking guy up there in Subaru. I believe in it. I believe in that system. But most people don't have that belief. They're fucking animals. And it killed me because this is the deal. Like if you live in Studio City, right? We're in Studio City right now.

And you and I sold cars at Studio City Subaru. And you live in Burbank. And you come into Studio City to look at me. I'm a mom and pop operation. I can't do the same deal. A big dealer downtown could do. Right. When you go down those streets and you see those big dealers like Van Nuys, you know.

They're selling a thousand cars a month. They're selling a thousand cars a month. So they'll take smaller deals. I hate those moochers. Yeah. That'll go across town and pay $300 cheaper for the same car. Oh. And then can't come to us for service.

Yeah. Yeah. We'll tell you, you can come to us. We're going to put you last on the list. Yeah, yeah. It's going to take you eight hours of service, and we're probably going to bang out for something every time you come in for being a douchebag. I had this dick one time, Joe.

He came in and rocked me for about seven hours. And, you know, let me see it again in the sun. It's blue or green. Do I want blue or green all day out in the 110 sun of fucking Van Eyes? And then the next day he went to another place. and then he rode the motorcycle over to show me on Monday. Hey, look, I ended up picking up one. You weren't working yesterday.

And it just clueless that we work on commission. I was like, dude, I just spent seven hours with you. Oh, yeah, I know, but I was like, get the fuck out of here. They don't know. They don't know. They got no idea. So after a while, you get an attitude problem. Oh, man, you do.

After a while. I think they know, because, like, being a server, and they stiff you on a tip. I think everyone has it. Some people are dumb. they think you're getting paid hourly too or something like some kind of salary but no it's pure commission I've always tipped yeah oh hell yeah I was

a kid I've always tip because my mother taught me the tip since I was a kid what's a tip a dollar give him to yeah yeah yeah what's the real tip 20% of $6 give them 8 give them the 10 what's the $4 difference gonna make you make somebody's day and it comes back to you 10th fold

who gets a fuck yeah who cares I'm a fucking 10 when I go to these comedy clubs on the weekends before I leave I I take $400 and $20s. Yeah. I love those 20s. And then I go to a store and get like five tens. And you're getting tens and 20s.

Those Uber drivers, I give them a $10. When I get a five-star rating, who gives a fuck? And they're happy. I give them cash. It's off the books. Nobody knows nothing. Yep. What am I going to give him a tip on the app?

Like some fucking jabrooney? What's what a mutters? Let me give him a tip on an app. No, give him a fucking five. What do you give a fuck? You're going out with your girl. You want to impress the fucking girl. Throw the guy of five.

You make his night. Yeah, you make his night You make his night Even if it's a fucking fin You make his fucking night But people have no clue about that That life You know, I was telling some of the day

We're not in the comedy business We're in the karma business Yeah When you're in the plumbing business You're in the karma business When you're a masseuse therapist You're in the karma business When you're in acupunctures

You're in the karma business Okay, today I went to the acupuncture I told him today for the first time because I remember, I go, my shoulders have been a little slick lately. Ever since I've been kickboxing, I have no power with my punches. I mean, I'm an old man. I'm not looking to knock nobody out. But because the extension hurts a little bit on the way out.

And lately, I've been falling asleep on them and they kind of hurt. Oh, yeah. He put some needles in there. He cut me. He goes, all right, let's get out of here. And also, he goes, wait up, are you going to rush? I go, no, he goes, let's cup your shoulders. Yeah.

That's priceless. Yeah. How about? That's priceless. Going the extra mom. You know, when I go to Jiu-Jitsu and classes from 12 to 1-15, and you're still there with two rolling with your teacher, you know. There was a place I went to look at one day,

and the guy told me, he goes, class starts to 12. I don't want nobody here until 5 until 12. Oh, I'll never forget that. I was like, you know what, I don't need to come here. Yeah, yeah. You're not a real teacher. Yeah, you're just fucking punching minutes.

And, bro, if class would end at 7 to 1, he would end at 5 to 1, and he'd have a suit on at 105 and he'd be out the door. You got to stick around and answer questions and roll around with the students. And that's why he had a shitty school. He didn't know that he wasn't in the time business. He's in the fucking karma business. Yeah, he's trying to sell minutes.

Well, how do you guys deal with people treat, like, in the karma business, when people treat you poorly, how do you stay positive and be like, oh, well, and not give up? Like, fuck it. If people are going to treat me like this, then I'll just give them this. One of the greatest lines that's ever said in a movie was in Bronx's tale when the kid's pissed. And he goes, that fucking kid owes me $20. He goes, it cost you $20 to get rid of him.

Yeah. Yeah. I got three or four people who I lent money to out of the kindness in my heart and never even called back to say a friendly fuck you. Yep. That's it. You know what? I know you broke, Dean. Yeah.

You come to me three times or $50. If I give you $300 and you come to me three times at $50, three weeks in a row on a Friday, like you said you were going to, I'm the type of guy that says, hey, forget the other yard and a half. Yeah. I know you're going to rough times. I know I'm taking a lot out of you by this 50. I just want you to stick to your man word.

That's it. You know, for years I was a punk. For years, I was a fucking punk. I was a fucking punk because I was snorting cocaine. and it was letting me do things that was against my manhood. Then something happened. I became a man like those Indians,

like the man Kalees, what says he is. I didn't have to go to rehab. I didn't have to, I made a decision. And then I made other decisions with my life. That's what it is to become a man. Is making decisions sticking by them, and that's it. This is the decision I've made,

and I live and I die by it. That's why the song, my way by Frank Sinatra is so fucking emotional because at the end of the day you know what did Winston Churchill say success is moving from one area to another other area and staying excited about a subject that's something like that he made a great quote right you know we live in the same in the same realm we do podcasts I do a movie I do a TV show one week then we go on the road for a week and that I don't want I never really wanted a job I love going on the road, but when you do it four weeks in a row, it becomes a job.

Yeah, exactly. Now you're a job. That fifth week, you're like, I don't know what do they take this week for? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's a hell week that you didn't want, but you took it because of the money. These are choices that you learn about later on. Yeah. When to stop becoming a whore.

You have to be a whore first to stop becoming a whore. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely. You have to be a whore to stop being a whore. 100%. You know, that whore that I had in me for comedy, when I stopped being a whore, I became a comic, but for

fucking 10 years you gotta be a whore. Yeah. You know, you gotta take 200 when you know the guy's walking with $3,000 in your pocket. You know, you gotta take the small 200. Because in your mind, you're saying to yourself, you might have got this 3,000, but you're only

going to do this 3 more times. 10 years from now, I'm going to get $3,000 for 15 years. Yeah, yeah. So that's what happens now. That's how your mind looks at it. You become a man. Yeah.

I'm saying? I was a horror in comedy. We did everything. We come back. We get off a plane at six. We're on stage at eight for a buck 50 somewhere. That's me every week. Tired.

Tired. Hungover. No shower. Four hour plane ride. Another spot. Another spot. It's a spot. It's a spot.

But that's for anything. When you first start painting. Yeah. And when you first start painting, until you get discovered, you sell those pictures for $10. one day you're sending your apartment, you're like, I'm getting $300,000 a picture. I wish I could go back and knock on Dean's door

and get my $2.90. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But you had to do that to put it out there. You got to do it, man. It's like, you know, fucking... I flew in from, what, Nashville, Sunday morning, 9.30, straight to the house, start podcasting, you know.

Then do a spot. Then go see Judas. priest is just like you got to keep moving when you're at that stage because you know somebody else if you say no to the spot somebody else is going to say yeah and then the call stop you know yeah that's what's weird when the calls if the calls stop so you got to always go yeah I'm there I'm there even though I know I'm going to be completely tore up but I get something out of I sleep tonight yeah that's exactly that's the attitude I'll sleep tonight man and that's it last month you you uh you invited me to do a show

with you that I left there blown away. You got great press on what you did. It was the ACDC reunion, like a, not a reunion. The Bond Scott tribute. The Bond Scott tribute. And you let myself and Bill and Marin be a fucking part of the show. I was a little upset because he let everybody else play it on stage. You usually give me a flute.

Something. I could have played the flute on Soul Stripper. You know what I'm saying? Something. Yeah. something. But it was just such a fucking electric night, Dean, and I still want to thank you because,

like I told the podcasters before that people listen that have made me realize that I was missing live music. Last night I was pissed. When you text me and said you were in priest, I was like, God damn it. But would I have really gone after a show? I'm tired. I know.

The baby jumped me as soon as I walked. That's why I figured you weren't there, you know? The baby jumped. Listen to baby. Columbus. After three days. it's like yeah as soon as I walk in now she's right I walked in at nine oh at night in the morning oh in the morning they were leaving at 10 oh so that first hour she was all over me telling me

about a week the pictures we hung up pictures my office is just covered in fucking kid pictures yeah and then they left which gave me two hours to run my errands fill up the tank get some weed I went to the bed and got the fucking chemotherapy. I did, you know, I went and got a little fucking assaye juice, whatever the fuck that was a little compocha juice. I got some compocha.

Yeah. And then I went home and I just did my weekly errands, put the schedule together for the week and shit, and they came back throwing to eat at 1.30. Like I usually take a nap wasn't happening. Yeah. She came in that door right to the office, started with octanauts.

Oh my God. Some of the TV show. Then we ended up in her room, watched another movie. Then I had to take her for frozen yogurt. Yeah. And we sat in there for 35 minutes talking about life and her birthday party. It's a year away. Oh, wow.

A year away. Yeah. She's already planning her 60-year-old birthday party. It's on fucking January. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. And then we went home. We watched another movie, you know, and then she went in the tub, and I'm the one that's got a drink.

You know, it's just one of those nights. I know that if I leave, I disrupt the whole patois of the fucking evening. So now after nine, if I got to gone somewhere last night, I would have gone to the store. I thought about going down to the store. Red Band was doing the show. But back to your little ACDC tribute. I mean, you just had a fucking insane lineup. Oh, it was crazy.

A musician that I had seen before, but didn't really know. Right. But it didn't matter. The guy behind the drums was sensational. Yeah. You know, you had the two bass players of debt, Nikki Six and Rudy Sarzo. Unbelievable. You know, you had fucking the guy playing the guitar.

Oh, Josh Z from San Francisco. That guy doing the Angus Licks. You could tell he had bought Power Rage when it first came out. Yeah. Like, he had been playing that song. He was a real fucking Angus guy. I've known that by 30 years. Yeah, he was solid on the fucking Angus Licks.

He was solid as can be. I mean, I sat there in the sidelines, and I was like, I didn't know what to expect but I wasn't expecting that. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? I wasn't expecting that at all. I was expecting six fucking guys

smoking in the boys room type attitude. Yeah. Fucking notes being thrown, bad vocals. It was tight. You were tight. You were very tight, you know? Oh man, we only rehearsed one night, too, the night before, you know, but those guys are all pros.

You know, Steve played in the black crows for, you know, his whole life. And then Michael D. Devin played in White Snake, the bass player. And then, you know, Billy Roe from Jet Boy, who'd been on stage his whole life doing the Malcolm. And then, of course, Scott Ian from Anthrax, who's a Malcolm freak and has Malcolm tattooed on him

and plays rhythm guitar like Malcolm. These guys, all they've got to do is throw on the record for, you know, an hour ago. Oh, yeah, okay, goes there and there and there. And then we stepped on stage, and it was, You never know what's going to happen. Gear can break. People could leave, not show up, whatever. You know, because we did it when I was 50, and everybody came for the comedy.

And then when we did the ACDC, a lot of people left. Really? Yeah, I think it was a huge, mostly comedy fans of that one, because it was at the time my podcast wasn't as big as it is now, so it didn't have as many rock and rollers. But this time, if you look at the photos, the first three, four rows, people are all wearing ACDC shirts. And I went to the front door when they opened the front door.

And I was greeting everybody as they came in. And people flew in from, you know, Florida, Tampa, Detroit, Portland, Philly, New York. Guys came from all over the place for this thing. It was pretty emotional for me because I was like, Wow, this is insane. You know, I mean, I couldn't believe it. We got a pro video, if you look at it, have kicked in the teeth again, with Burr on drums, Nikki Six on bass.

It's on YouTube. And I think it's one of my favorite, hands-down, top favorite three things I've ever done in my life. It was just loony, you know? And then you crushed it doing comedy. You were crushing it. I didn't crush it. It was a horrible set. Oh, you were doing great.

It was great. I made some girl cry. People were upset. Oh, people loved it. People were fucking upset. I could tell Rudy Sarger's wife was looking at me weird afterwards. Oh, no way, man. You had a great set, man.

You had a great set. They didn't like this set about me talking about molesting my wife. They froze. They were rockers, but they were still that white when they didn't know, like, what the fuck. But I had a great night. I didn't even care about the set. I was just honored to be part of it and just to uh... God, I loved you having you there.

It's 40 year anniversary of Power Age. 40 fucking years. And in two years will be 40 years that Bond Scott passed. So I used to do this ACDC tribute to Bond every year in San Francisco because it was right around the time of my birthday. My birthday's February 3rd. He died on the, I believe, the 16th. I thought it was the 19th on my birthday.

No, 19th, 19th. died on my birthday. Yeah, he died on your birthday. So every year I would do this. And then when I moved to LA, I didn't really do it anymore because I just didn't have, you know. Now, he died in February of 80. Right. Yep. February of 80. And then the back and black comes out like six months later. Unbelievable. Yeah. I remember going to see them August 2nd. Right. There you go. August 1st in the Palladium. Of 80, 79. Which one? 80. 80. 80. Oh, after he died. Yeah, he died. He died and six months later, they had a fucking, the album. I still remember buying it and hearing it the whole fucking, like, it didn't stop.

It caught on like fucking fire. Flame thrower, dude. It really did. It's really bizarre. Like, when you think about how no band has lost a singer, got a new singer, and sold a hundred million. million records. It's the number two selling record of all time, I believe, behind Thriller. To do that is insane. You can't even add up the odds of that. There's just no fucking way. You know, hey, here's a record with a new singer. A new singer. I never knew it was number two.

Number two behind Thriller. Yeah, I think it's, I think it goes Thriller, Pack in Black, Eagle's greatest hits, I believe is... Now, have you read the new Bon Scott book? I have about Bond-Riding the stuff, yeah. I believe he wrote that record, 100%. What is the conflict with the book? There's no conflict. What it is...

I heard that the book reveals that he wanted to quit ACDC. Yeah, I mean, but we're also going off of interviews of friends. You know, like when you hang out and maybe you have a long run of shows and you go, you know, I don't think

I want to do stand-up anymore. And you tell me that. And then the next day, you're normal. People say stuff like that. I do it every three months. Right, right. So I think if you interview a guy who is Bond's friend, you know, and he's like, yeah, I don't know about this.

I don't want to leave the band. You don't ever take that to heart. People have weird things going on. We have insecurities. Yeah, yeah, we do. So whether it's your singer or bass player, You know, in your mind, things just become bigger. You know, you see the drugs and the alcohol don't help.

Nope. Your impression of yourself or what you're doing, you know, I mean, that didn't help. And at that time, he was the biggest fucking jammy on that band. I think Angus is young. Yeah. I mean, Angus is clean, right? Yeah, yeah. Never drank a boo.

Nope. Coca-Cola, tea, cigarettes. That's it. Yep. Yeah, like that type of shit. but Bond was on a different level. I mean, you know, I spoke to Josh Wolfe last week, and he was talking about how he got lit on to let there be rocked the out.

Oh, yeah. I can't believe how good it is. Like, he missed that whole thing. And, you know, when I read their stuff, and I found out that, you know, a whole lot of roles he was a true chick. Right. He really did fuck a fat chick one night, And he wrote, I mean, he wrote all those lyrics.

Oh, a lot of them, right? Yeah, he wrote them all. All 100%. 90% of the writing. And he did what we do. He told the story in his songs. He was a brilliant fucking drunk. He was just, you know, yesterday had power rage on.

Yeah. You can't believe those lyrics. I can't believe those lyrics. I really can't. You can't put the, the, I don't know down, down. Yeah, yeah. Well, I tied my baby to the railroad tracks. Now, now.

That on down the line. It's your love that I want. All that shit, all that shit is just overdose. Oh, overdose. It's one of my all-time favorite fucking songs. That's on Let There Be Rock. And on... Overdose is incredible.

And then on Power Rades, they also have a type of a ballad. On Power Rage, they have... Bullet to Biddle. Give me a bullet to buy on. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Jesus Christ. I'll make believe it's you.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. He just popped up with some shit that was just, it was funny because this morning, when I got up, I got up at $5.59 on the dot. Yeah. I can always tell when you're up. Made some coffee. I called you like at 7.

I don't give a fuck, Jack. I don't care. I called Lee woke his ass up. I don't care. Back on 80, he was still sleeping. Get up, bitch. That's when we get the quality conversations, though, before the motor's moving. Get up, bitch.

The motor is. moving. I've already done a cup and a half of coffee. I've really smoked five pipe fills. I've chewed two pieces of nicotine gum. I've tweeted. I've answered tweeted. My agents know what to do for the week. They got the instructions for the week. They're all sent on

missions. Yeah, yeah. I told one agent, I better have my fucking money today. I don't give a fuck what they got to do. And I got home from kickboxing and the thing was there in an overnight. That's on Friday. Awesome. Checked from Santa Ana. I still haven't gotten paid. What?

Yeah. Kill. kills me sometimes and that's why I told them I said hey man I pay you deposits when I get back I give you the commission quickly so there's no misunderstand yeah I've heard of clients getting behind on who what they end up oh that a few weeks that's a dumb move you gotta do it immediately because or else it's hard to give get it out of your pocket you know where's that fucking tony Bennett Lee the lead dog he's got bronchitis yeah I'm writing it's I think it's gone now mostly. He's going to a lung doctor.

Oh, yeah. Oh, shit, dude. You have no idea. Oh, no. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart as I. I'm a somebody who will swear. Matt DePlusis.

Nicholas Jorgensen. Elliot Smith, bad motherfucker. Chris Way, Uki, spooky. Fire God is Bet. My main man, UFC Arabic, fucking Adam Pistone, my brother from Chicago, Bob Lillengis, and a happy birthday to my brother

who came out to the shows in Columbus. Jay Bish over there in fucking Pittsburgh running things and shit you know what I'm saying? Sometimes people start running things so now are you thinking of doing this AC thing again next year?

You know I I was talking to Burr about it and I was thinking like I mean I'm such a lunatic but that thing was pretty big and it got a lot of press and it was done it was done out of the heart

and just fun. I was thinking it's going to be 40 year anniversary of Bonscott gone. There's a way we could do it like at the forum. Like a big, big fucker with me, you, Marin and Burdo and comedy again.

And like some, like just a collection of cool rock stars like Josh Homme, Queens of the Stone Age, let's say, Nikki Six again, get a, you know, guys that, you know, Dave Grohl. Dave Grohl would be great on something like this, some big dudes and really pump it for a couple months and do the form, you know?

Bursa there's a way where they can seat it for like 6,000. But to make a full tribute, one big, one more big daddy for Bond Scott, like the best singer ever, man, really glorify it for Bond, you know? I think that would be rad. So in all, like when you had your bands, was Bond a big influence in your men? using. Oh, God, yeah. I got him tattooed on my fucking body. I mean, you know, when I saw ECDC, the first time I saw him was on the Power Age tour in 78. And when I saw him, everybody was into Angus. That was cool. Angus was cool. But to me, it was like, what's up with that dude up there? He had tattoos.

No one had tattoos. Big old parrot. He had that weird vest on, no shirt. And he was up there like, and I was like, what? That guy's like a fucking outlaw. You know, I was attractive. to him, you know, Angus was cool, but to me I was like, what's up with that dude, man? I'd never seen a guy like that before. Just he didn't, he looked like he worked for the band. It's funny because when I called him in 80 or 78, 78, 79, Highway the Hell Tour. Oh, yeah, 79. August 4th of 79.

With priest? No, with Ted. Oh, Ted, opening. Yeah, that's right. Opening for Ted. I still remember like. Like how great they were, but him running around the audience with Angus on his show, nobody was doing that.

Nobody. Nobody was doing that. Nope. And he did at the greatest arena of the world at that time, like news spread. It was the New York Daily News the next day, like, you know, a review on the show. I remember looking at, I would always look at, there was something that gave you a review with shows. I don't know if it was a magazine or a newspaper.

Right. And it's saying that this is one of the best shows that had come to New York and it. for the first time and a long time it wasn't the headliner who like I still remember the review on Van Halen that time of Black Sabbath Oh yeah yeah yeah And they were the headline was like Black Sabbath

is broken Yeah yeah yeah And I was like shocked Because I thought the same thing when I left there that night Like something wasn't right Yeah either that or Van Halen Was that good Yeah I think it was a combo ball

Yeah it was a combo boat So there sometimes shows that you don't know When you leave there if blacks you know like that time like every time i saw aerosmith they were just bad yeah yeah i could see him with a fucking preschool group with the fucking fourth annual quintet band and they were fucking bad they were sloppy the music was off key yeah yeah like one time i saw them with the metalands and we left yeah like we were so bad we had to leave like we we gotta go i got the four songs we gotta go this is fucking terrible they just could not cut it and then i went again

it's just so weird how you make I want to go to see now that Michael Shankler come nobody went yeah it came he was you and I had just got home from where were we last Santa Ana that night no no no we flew home from some

oh Albuquerque it was that day and it was the week of the Bond Scott thing so I was tore up so we did where was it it was down in Anaheim so you and I did the ACDC thing then we flew immediately to Albuquer Kirkuky. We did the three shows, then we flew

home, and I was just dust. You know, I was just like, ugh. I wanted to go, but it was all the way down there at Orange County. I don't know if, I want to go to the Hollywood Bowl this summer. I'm getting in. Whatever you want to see. What shows do you? Who's coming? I'll send the list

to you. Let's get the fucking lineup from Hollywood Bowl there. Let's see what the fucking schedule is. Yeah, we got to get you in there. Let's pick a church concert where you go. Yeah, that'd be great. Get Maurice Alvarado and make some pins. Yeah, right? I saw him last night. It was cool to see him. There was a lot of rock rockers there last night, man. Tom Morello was there. Carrie King from Slayer. Everybody was out to see the priest last night, man. You know, they know. And then priests just, they just announced the summer tour with Deep Purple. Yeah, with Ian Gillen. Oh, man. We might have to see that. I don't know. I don't know if I can go see Deep Purple. Richie Blackmore is creepy as... He's not in there anymore.

No, they got that guy from Dixie Dregs. Okay, here we go. So there's the start of the season. I'm really bummed on missing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As Paul Simon's coming. I don't want to see fucking questions. No, not at all.

I'm just like, Kevin Hart, dude. Wow, that'd be wild to see that in there. Oh, Rod Stewart, Cindy Lopper. Man. You wanted to the Greece sing-along, Joey? Where's Rod Stewart, Cindy Lomper? That's June 25, 25. Wow. Yeah, dude.

Might have to see that. Yeah. But we're doing Vegas. When is that? Is that that same time? No, the 12th and 13th. Okay, got it. Okay, got it. Keep going down. Let's look here. Let's see.

Annie. That's page two. Let's see. Page two. I can't even see this shit. Randy Newman. Wild. That's short people. Yeah. Short people got.

I'm going to go to that $40 to see one fucking song. Fuck him. Harry Conach Jr., Dave Matthews. No. No. Oh, Beck. Oh, Ozzy. Oh, man, we'll go to that. Ozzy and Stone Sour, October 11th.

Let's go to that. What do you think? Yeah. Who's Stone Sour? Stone Sour is the guy from you know the band that wears the mass he has his own band he's the singer yeah and then Ozzy that'd be a good one

back would be great I'll go see that but that you know like they add in stuff Joey so yeah yeah yeah this is yeah right exactly exactly oh man like you guys I always hear people talk about

their favorite comedy clubs performing. But if you guys could see a concert anywhere, where would you guys go see, where would you like to see a concert? Oh man, Red Rocks is the number one for me. Red Rocks is where I saw a couple bands. That was a great spot. I mean, listen, let's be honest.

There's some places that are aesthetically cool. Yeah. Like Red Rocks is an aesthetically cool place and miraculously, the sound is phenomenal now. Like, they've done it. great job. But there's just places that are just right. Yeah.

And I don't know. That gorge in Seattle, you ever go there? Yeah, I went there one time. Oh, man. That was nice. You know, I really liked Madison Square Garden. Yeah. But I really liked smaller venues.

The Fillmore is my favorite on the planet. And like we've discussed before, I was always a Palladium guy. Oh, yeah. In New York City. I don't know what it's sad. at that time what did the palladium in new york said at that time 1980 capacity yeah 1980 capacity at the palladium theater palladiums in new york or new york city legendary man palladium because i can't i can't imagine that place being 1800 and that's what we that's where i saw ozie and fucking

judas priest and i saw iron main there on the first album and i saw well no no killers Killers. Oh, yeah, you saw Paul Deanna? I saw an array of bands there. The Deflepid I saw there. High and dry? High and dry. I think of a lot. No, on through the night. Oh, on through the night, rad. On through the night. And then high and dry. I think. I got to think. I got to think. High and dry saw him a couple times. It'll probably be hard to find it.

I think I found it. I think it says 3,400? Yeah. There you go. There you go. Can you imagine seeing Judas Priest? Oh, man. Ozzy Oswald. A place that holds 3,400 seats. Yeah. Like, how lucky was I? And then, right. What was the other ones?

Like, if you saw them somewhere else, would it be 50,000? No, no. Like the garden, Master's Square Garden. 15,000. 20,000, 18,000. Yeah. That's a lot of sound. That's a lot of bounce.

That's a lot of fucking detraction. That's a lot of people in the audience. That's a lot of noise. To see somebody in a 3,400-seat theater is like going to a movie theater. Yeah, yeah. It was. It was just a big movie. Yeah, that's like the Warfield and Sam Fran. I saw everybody there, you know.

What does it see do you think? I think it's, uh, 2800 or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's funny because I did it with Russell Peters a couple years ago. When I was a kid, I played there opening up for a band Bad English. And then years later, I did it as a comedian. I go, well, this place is small. Like when you're a kid, it seems huge, right? Like the plate him seemed huge when you're a kid. Bad English with John White. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. open for them? Yeah, I'm missing you, 84? That band or was it later on?

Bad English, that was his... He had a good band. Bad English was a band that got put together. It was like two from one band. Yeah, I think Neil Sean. Right, that's right. Yeah, man. And the drummer, Dean Castornova saw my band and said, man, you guys got open for us.

And we opened for him like the next night at the Warfield. You know, we were just kids. Oh, shit. How old were you? I was like 20, you know, 18, 19, right around there or something. I don't know, 21 or whatever. But I thought, oh, man, we're on our way.

We were playing the war field, yeah. And what was the pay-out? I mean, something like that in those days for the opening. I think it's always like $750, $500. For four guys. Yeah, four guys. But we would have done that free. Yeah, for free.

Dude, you know the bragging rights around 10, like to play the Warfield or the Fillmore back then? as a local unsigned band, that's like a big deal, man. That's like a big deal. Because, you know, sign bands would bring other bands. There was never any happening spots, but they didn't have a band to open them for them.

So we got to do it. And, man, it was, I still remember it like it was yesterday. It's amazing. The sacrifice is like, yeah, you're right. That's why Lee and I were talking about a triple run earlier. Yeah. You know, like a triple run. And I go, I think, Lee, that you're not ready mentally for a triple run because it's a little big difference of a change.

Even for like a weekend, you think it'd be crazy? Just the driving, it would be crazy for you because you couldn't believe you're doing comedy at this place. Yeah. They still doing those, Jerry? Yeah, they still do them. There was a place in West Virginia. I walked in one time, and there was a ping pong table. I had to get on top of the stairs.

And in the middle it started buckling. I'm 300 fucking pounds. Oh my God. 90 or something at the time, 1998. You can't really handle that. At the time, I was doing comedy eight years. Yeah.

I was at the store already. And I remember walking in there going, what did I fucking sign up for? Yeah, yeah. Because creative entertainment was out of Charlotte. Yeah. They were on the Charlotte Club.

They have a club, and they have a couple clubs. But back then, their specialty, which is still, he still has a few left. In the 90s, he had hundreds of one-nighters. Wow. Hundreds. Right. Like Barry Cat style, just all over.

Barry had those all over the East Coast. How you heard? And he would send all these guys out on these runs. Right. He would have those college runs. Yeah. Yeah, just these places. But you don't know what hell is till you get there.

You know, when you go to D.C., it's completely different than going to the off city in West Virginia. Yeah. Where they're all coal miners. and they don't have mascara on. They're looking at you on the stage, and you're like, holy shit. Do you mean they have coal on their face? They don't have mascara on their face.

They don't have mascara on their face. They just got out of the fucking coal mine. You can't handle that. And they're not going to like the jokes that I've been doing. Like the four jokes that I have. How many you got? Four? Probably something like that, maybe five?

No. No. They'll eat you up alive. After the eighth minute, your legs will start trembling. Once you say you're Jewish and the room stops laughing after that, Yeah.

You know, yeah. No, that's a, that's a four year. You have to be doing comedy three, three years. And really, like, go to, like, off nights in places. Yeah. Bakersfield on time. I did a lot of Bakersfield. I did a lot of Brooklyn.

I told him. Bakersfield has a great little comedy scene. They really do. I'll have to head up there for a couple years. An hour and a half away. Right over the grapevine. Right over the fucking grapevine. It's not even an hour.

No, you start learning all kinds of shit. because you're over there, man. You know, I did Zanies the first time this weekend. It was the Nashville Comedy Festival. How great is that club? And that girl Lucy, she loves you, man. She, man, those guys reached out to me. This is old school.

This is how I always think the business should work. They see them coming with Burr. And they go, hey, would you like to do some sets? Because we know you're only doing one set a night. You'll be sitting in your hotel room. Would you like to come do some sets? and fucking reached out to me. I was like, man, this is how I thought it was going to be years ago.

Like, well, he came with Joey's great. We'll book you four months from now. I thought that's how it was going to be. And they reached out and I went and did Zanis all weekend. They had a brunch show. It was fucking fantastic. Sold out Saturday at 2 o'clock. Just kill our audiences.

Oh, man. It was great, man. You done that with him, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's funny. I was telling Dave, the owner of the car, Columbus comedy club Dave Strupe Dave Strupe how much comedy has changed because cities have grown right let me tell you something my friend 15 years ago yeah you would have not come home with a

pleasant Nashville store oh man I bet right you would have done okay yeah it's guys like me at the time yeah always got to remember that's a Bible belt that's right that's right and what happens in the Bible Belt is they take the ride with you for 15 minutes when you're blue. Yeah. They take the ride with you for about 11 minutes. Yeah. And then as a comedian, a young comic, you always make the mistake of pushing the envelope a little more.

Gas down. And that one reminds them that they're Christian. Yeah. And they can't laugh at that. And now the next 17 minutes is just people staring at you like you're a sinner. Oh. And then Stanhope went up. Yeah.

And his first 12 minutes were tremendous. Yeah. And they sat there for 40 and stared at him. They weren't on his antics at all. Wow. It was maybe 150 people who knew about Stan Hope that were in the show that night. Yeah. This has to be 99.

Wow. And you're opening? And I'm opening. And I remember that I did so bad. Yeah. That I never even considered calling that guy ever again. Like, I knew what the answer was going to be. There's no lying to yourself.

Yeah. when I was doing comedy eight, nine years and the lying had stopped. Like the lying stopped of me after like two years. I knew I sucked and I knew how to work on it. Right. And you have to get on stage every night. Like whatever thing I had that things are going great

went away. Yeah. And now you have to start working. And it was so weird that I walked into that room and never, ever, ever thought. I did so bad. Yeah. I never even went back there with Joe. Wow. Joe would go there and I'd go I'm not going back there.

Yeah, yeah. And the owner is such a nice guy. Oh, I love him. The second thing I didn't like, because nobody could be that fucking nice. Right. Like, nobody is that nice. Right. You know, and at the time, 15 years ago, his other brother, who is now very nice.

Yeah. He's always there. They're great guys. But his brother owned the club in Davy, Florida. Right. Which is a suburb right out Fort Lauderdale, which were the Miami Dolphins practice. Right. And that club was.

Brow understand me This was way before the improv started And he had a club in West Palm Beach And one in Davy Yeah West Palm boy I bombed a bag of dicks there also Not as bad as Nashville

Yeah right I headlined that one night Because I worked with Marshall Warfield Yep And I got in trouble because I brought a grandma Coke And the waitstaff and they hated me And they fucking blackballed me So after bombing in Nashville

and the situation in West Palm I knew there was no if they ever got together and they go, have you ever worked your dears? Yeah, he was at my club and took the worst bombing in the world. And then the other brother would say, he was at my club, didn't do that well

and bought a grandma blow from the waitstaff. I got in trouble for it. Really? Yeah, the manager came in. You buy a grandma blow from, why would you send him? Someone snitched you off? He sold coke too. Right.

So he came in to bitch at me for going to his wages. Yeah, and I should have gotten him and bought it to him. Then he ratted me out. It was the creepiest thing in the fucking world. But that's the beginning of your comedy career. Yeah, yeah, right, yeah.

So to think of the stretch, Nashville has made that I could headline there. And people show up and laugh. Right. Like, it is really, like, I would never. Like, I'll tell you another night, I took a tremendous bomb. Another club. I ate a bag of dicks at Charlotte. Oh, yeah.

On a Sunday night. On a Sunday night in 1998, on the way out of town, I took the late Continental flight. Continental was still around. Oh, yeah, kind of air. They hubbed in Charlotte. Uh-huh. So every flight out of Charlotte, for Continental, it was 10 bucks. Wow.

Like, around the country, anywhere. Out of Charlotte, it was cheaper to California. It was like $59. I took the late flight to do a set at that fucking Charlotte club. Like, I got set. Like, I called the club, oh, and I'm going to come in Rocky World. Yeah. And I took the beating of death in there.

Oh, my God didn't even shake his hand. I just went on. got a cab and went right to the airport and that five hours six hour flight home was brutal I had just bombed and got went right from the club to the fucking plane from the stage to the plane basically stage to the plane with a bombing with a beating I had taken one of the roughest beatings that week in my life the unabomber you know because here you are in the comedy store you're a regular at the store yeah you're supposed to be the elite of the elite and you're just dying.

But then I put together that it was the Bible Belt. Right. And when I went to Creative and did the one-nighters, that's where you go deeper into the Bible Belt. And that's where that's where like we went to Knoxville and the chick ratted me out

for sucking my dick and started yelling in the back and shit, you know? Oh my God. Yeah. Bible Belt. Like that whole week was a nightmare. Clark, something, Tennessee. There's an Army base there or something. Knoxville. No, no, it was something, Tennessee.

Right, right. I did okay at the Army base. Like, this is 20 years later. Yeah. And I'm telling you guys, I did okay there as a female, as a headline. Yeah.

There was one Friday night where I just took an emotional beating on stage. I lost him at the five-minute mark. Oh, man. Then another time, Jimmy Schubert. Yeah. He's got a movie, he got the movie go,

and he had a canceled... Where's Leonard Skinner from? Gainesville. What's the city on, Top of Gainesville. Fucking. Real crazy place. I forget.

Okay. Or Gainesville. Tallahassee? Tallahassee. Gainesville area. No, no. Little bit. Chattanooga.

No, that's Tennessee. Yeah, yeah. He had to cancel on a fucking Monday. He got the call at 3 o'clock. Yeah. So I was the only person that was available.

So I took the gig. That's how I met Vinnie Lightbobs. Vinny Coppola who lives around the corner from here right now. His father owns an electrical company. Oh, okay. That's all you on light bulbs. There we go. I was like bumps.

But he, I went down there as a headline. Oh, Jacksonville. Jacksonville. Oh, that's it. Yeah. Oh, was that a mistake? Oh. I had maybe 40.

Maybe 40 minutes? Maybe. Right, right. With lots of laughs. Yes. Yeah, whenever people say that. I called Doug Stand up. Like a Doug.

I got a, uh, Doug was popular down there at the time. Uh-huh. I'll never forget this. Doug was popular at the time. Like Doug was starting to get popular on the road. And because Doug would fucking go down to these clubs and cause havoc in these cities. He would go to karaoke's and do more stand-up

and get thrown out of a club. So the legend of Doug Stanhope, when he, you know, when Rogan goes into a city, goes into the best steakhouse in the city, he tips out four people. The yards take a piece, the word gets out.

Yeah. All of a ticket sales go up 20% because he gave out gave $400 bills for tips for four different waiters you know Stanhope went to a bar and caused just happen yeah like if it was karaoke he'd go up there and do like the fucking dirtiest jokes in the world he'd get thrown out you know in the beginning from 90 you know from 95 to 2003 Doug stanhope was a legend on the road kicking ass with no TV show that's rad it was unheard of because his albums were phenomenal.

Yeah. You know, his early albums were really fucking phenomenal. I love that guy, man. Yeah, like, but this was when he was even a little bit more raw and younger and a little bit more energy. When he was, he was just a smart ass of comedy, he was just a perfect smart ass of comedy. And I remember calling him up and go, I need your advice. They just offered me a headlining week. And I go, Doug, I maybe got 40 minutes.

They goes, I've been around you a lot. He goes, I'm sure you come up with 20 fucking minutes off the top of you head. Take the fucking week. Take a chance. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. Do 40 and run off the stage. I mean, he used to give the best advice.

Do 40 and leave. Yeah, because he was so reckless, he didn't give a fuck. Yeah. That's what he went for is make him talk and fuck it. If you're going to go down there, make him talk. Go crazy. Yeah, yeah. So I never forgot I went down there and took that.

That's when comedy was Tuesday through Saturday. Ooh. And Friday night is all you can eat seafood night there. Oh, fuck, God. They come in from all over just for the free seafood. They come in there and start burping those old fucking shrimps, Hurricane shrimp and fucking... Burping hurricane shrimps.

Oh, you have no idea. You're up on state smelling crab leg burps and fucking farts that smell like butter from all the butter there and the crab legs. They've met like they haven't had shrimp their whole life. Oh, yeah. And they go up to that peeling each shrimp. That drives some people crazy. That shit drives people crazy.

They think they're in fucking Venice, Ro. dipping in that fucking cut cocktail sauce, eating them old shrimp a day before they go rotten. Gross. And they're in there fucking eating those softy. You ever get them?

Like they have a little coating on them. That's gross. And you still take a chance to eat them. It's like rubbery. Yeah, because you don't give a fuck. You like that free. Yeah.

You have to swallow like a pill? It's amazing what you'll eat when you don't have money because it's free. Oh, Jesus. On the road. Borgers, 99 cents. I'd eat two of those.

I'll tell you what. Nobody liked the AMPN burger better than Joey D. Oh, I fucking worship. Mustard on them. I could eat two of those fucking things. By the airport there. Oh, yeah.

When I was broke, shit. I'd go in there right before I went to the airport. Oh. And I inhaled two of those burgers with onions on them. They got those fucking powdered onions on the side. There's a McDonald's right around the court. I wouldn't touch McDonald's. You know what I did, Jay?

That cross street from the whiskey at go-go, they had the AMPM there for years. And now it's called Hawaiian gas or whatever. But I would get the burger. And then when the guy wasn't looking, I'd hit the nacho cheese. And just pump a fucking gallon of nach cheese on each burger and then put halipinos on it. I'd eat them every day, dude. Two bucks. Fucking disgusting.

Where are you at soon? Where are you traveling to next month? Ooh, I'm about to headline San Francisco punchline. What date? May 2nd through the 5th. Beautiful. And I'll be at the Tempe Improv, May 3rd through the 5th. So we both got Cinco to Mayo gigs.

Tempe, I'm coming big. Boom. Back home to where that. all-stared. I used to be a fucking feature act there. I used to do the fucking Latino shows there. Three, four-minute, 20-minute spots, and I thought I was hot shit. Now I'm headlining Tempe. Jesus Christ.

It's rad. Dude, you're killing it out there out there. I'm out there with it. You're killing. We're having great times. Your draw is insane. The people are great. The church family is on top of things. It's a dream, man. It's a dream right there where you show up and the shows are already sold out. Yeah, no, no, no. It's beautiful. So Tempe, I'll see you down there.

And then I think the 19th or the 17th of May, I'm up in Providence at the club up there. And then on that whole weekend, I'm at the stress factory in New Jersey with your boy Matt fucking Fultron. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So it'll be a fun weekend there in May, the 18th,

through the 20th or something like that. You got to check the website or whatever the fuck it is. But forget about that right now. Let's just worry about Tempe and let's have a fucking party down there. I want to talk to you guys about something real quick. For the last five years, I've been friends with

girl online you know she used to hit me up and never said nothing out of lines she had a boyfriend I would talk to her and a boyfriend the boyfriend would hit me up and I would go to Minneapolis and she would show up and I got to meet it twice you know and the last time I got to me that I could tell that progress she had a disease that she didn't tell me about the progress a little bit and she's a proud girl she's a sweet girl her name is brandy lynde

and today I put a link up on Twitter and YouTube and YouTube pages if anybody needs help it's this girl I know that for five years this is not a scam retweet this is not a scam

you guys know I don't go to you guys for church help for fucking scammers this is a health situation here I'm thinking of taking Dean and going up there and doing a Wednesday two shows at the house of comedy and like give them half the fucking door or something like that I'm in on that yeah yeah she's a church family girl and uh I already saw people pour their hearts out you know

five dollars two dollars ten dollars it all adds up guys so we're the church family you know and uh I know who's faking the funk and I know who's really part of the church family if they need help we got to do whatever we can to help them like I said $2 helps a dollar help Lee and I donated this morning from the church and do what you can. I love you guys. I'll be back Wednesday with my man Gregorius, the BJJ fucking savage. Nick Gregorius, we're going to do a tremendous podcast on BJJ. He's doing a seminar at a subconscious BJJ on Lancashire in North Hollywood Thursday night at 7 p.m.

You do not want to miss it if you're in the valley anywhere. He's fucking great this guy. I have them with all my heart. You know, I'm not the best jujitsu guy, but I still go and I try my best, and that's all we could do. I want to thank Dean Deller. I want to thank you again for put me on the AC.

Oh, it was an honor to have you, dear. I want to thank you for being a hustler and for always bringing great conversation, love to the church. I love doing this podcast, too. You're a great man, and go see him in San Francisco. You know, we love you up there. And the church love you.

Go support Dean Dallory up there at the fucking... Punchline. Punchline. Yeah. That's the home. That's the homie fucking club right there. Oh, you and I did it together last year. And your flight was delayed and they still stayed and watched me headline. That was incredible because it was the foggiest night ever. Ever. Oh, ever. That was insane. So that's what this church is about. It's about helping each other out and fucking, no, we're good. Thank you, brother. So that's it, man. Have a great day. We'll be back Wednesday. I love you. Stay Black. I want to thank Dean. I want to leave you with a tremendous fucking. Jam by Rod Stewart, one of my favorite. Kick this fucking Mulee. Don't forget, go to honor.com right now.

Pressing church, get 10% off. And if you're a fat fuck, or you're just looking for a great fucking ghee with a great fit and durable, if your money's counting right now and you need a ghee, go to fuji sports.com right now and enter. Church.

And get 10% off your ghee or your rash guard or whatever the hell you're looking for. Have a great fucking day. Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you.