The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #580 - George Perez

Episode Date: April 30, 2018

George Perez, Comedian seen on "Payaso Comedy Slam" and heard as the host of the, "George Perez Stories" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Hims - Go to ForHims.com/joey for a trial month of everything you need to keep your hair - for just $5 while supplies last.   
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Again, that's meandies.com slash Joey. Kick that fucking Muley. It's Monday. April 30th, the last day of the month, cock suckers. Let's do it. Everybody wants to fucking go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Wash that pussy out of those nuts. We're going in like fucking paratroopers.

It's fucking Monday. What else you want from me? Ain't nobody going to give it to you, cocksuckers. Let's do it. Oh shit. This is fucking Joey Bandolini here tonight. Forget about it. Step on that fucking music.

Put away the whip, the pony's dead. You know what I'm saying? It's Monday. Oh, fuck, yeah. I hope everybody had a great weekend. Welcome to the church of what's happened now. The Christ killer in full effect. But my brother's here tonight to talk to you people about some shit, my main man.

Whatever is fucking. George Fred. What's up, my boy? You know. Oh, fuck. Put the pieces together. I got a busy week. Fucking later on.

You've been busy, dog. Nah, you know what, bro? I do it nice and slow. And nobody gets their feelings hurt. I get to spend time with the family. Yeah. I get to put my efforts into the podcast. I take the cake take care of myself.

Smart. We were talking about something really interesting. I know. I forgot too. I was talking about Roseanne Bar. Oh, yeah, Roseanne. I don't know why she's getting shit now. I don't keep up on poor Roseanne now, whatever the fuck the deal.

Her ratings are up there, though. Oh, yeah. She's killing. I think it was ABC's biggest premiere in the decade or something like that. It was huge. It was like 18 million people or something like that. You know, it's fucking weird that we were talking about when she shot her special at the store.

Let's he sure told Eric Blake and no he can't. Not to talk to her. Yeah. And they talked to him and she told him to fuck off. You know, it's, you have no ideally what Roseanne Barr was doing at that time. What year was this? This has to be 97. When I got here in 97, Roseanne Barr was tearing these motherfuckers up.

And if it wasn't Roseanne Barr, it was the other chick from the South. Remember, they cut her show with 90 episodes. I'm I'm you remember it's in my head I'm talking about the comedian chick She never recovered from that She still does gait a couple years ago I thought she was gonna go on the road with Eliza Slashinger and some other chicks

But something happened she's too far gone Yeah they gave her a show And she fucking left the planet too Bro that the other side of the world When you sell your soul like that It gets dark You start acting weird But Roseanne like I saw a great interview

Years ago on Larry King You know when you get home from the comedy gigs you're in the hotel room and whatever's on is on and you and sometimes it's something interesting and it was Roseanne and I was sitting there going over the nights like your your jokes in the night where you fucked up what joke didn't work like that shit I had a bag of nachos you know you got a soda out you just relaxing just unwinding but she did a great interview where she spoke about they asked her about the Cosby's oh they said well specifically they asked her why she threw out the brass or ABC from a Christmas

party well who's the brass like all the top people maybe see rosanne wouldn't let them into her christmas party no way she fought like she was that powerful like when she knocked cosby down from thursday night that put rosan to a different that was another level she got fucking crazy or never she was firing writers when i got here they were firing writers there was always something going on there well well the show was done by that time but the attitude was huge and over the years she humble i mean she's worth millions of fucking dollars you know but like but at the store joy was like does she come in strong or does she get strong there she came into the store throwing heat oh she was a character inside a character the story goes that she was in the original room mitsy saw made to do a set in the

main room and the people from the tonight show were there and they told you're on tomorrow the day after oh wow like that's how fast it moved for her in those days the tonight show was the joe rogan experience. Yeah. You did the tonight show. You did well. You got work the next day. It was that fucking easy.

Whether it's one time of 10, you were still on J.R.E, bitch. You know what I'm saying? That's a million downloads. A million people know about you. What you do with that million downloads is up to you now. You attack those million people? Do you lay back and just,

well, people are going to come see me? People are going to pay attention to me. So there wasn't that. Roseanne had those. I mean, Roseanne was fucking huge, bro. But back to Larry King. She told Larry King that A. BC came to her and they said our dream is for you to knock off Cosby.

So she fired all her writers and everybody and started from scratch, Jack. And she got two riders and she mixed them with two stand-up comedians. Oh. Which is brilliant mix. And she let them battle it out in the room. And she executive produced, you know, she made her husband, Tom Arnold. She put him on the show. Oh, yeah.

She kicked Goodman off, huh? No, no. She had Goodman still on, but something. Something. I don't know. That was a brother. I don't fucking know what happened. Tom Arnold was smooth by doing that shit.

Smooth. It was smooth. Tom Arnold played it like a fiddle and walked out of it. They were $15 million. He Kardashian. Yeah, he Kardashian. It's fucking amazing. He did.

But Roseanne was huge, but the attitude was even bigger. Like the attitude was big, bro. Like, fucking walking on stages and shit. But she had so much dough, it didn't matter. And she had power, right? And she had power. How many women shows do you think I've been out before Roseanne came out with that heat? I don't know.

I just remember I love Lucy growing up. Yeah, yeah, you can't fucking. I remember I love Lucy and I remember Mary Tyler Moore show. I don't know about how big she came out, but I just know that I started in Denver and she came out of Denver. So as I was starting comedy, Roseanne was fucking. Killing. Taking off. So Denver became a hotbed for stand-up.

Everybody moved to Denver now. Denver had the recipe. Comedians think that way. I started in Denver. That's where I lived. I lived in Boulder. So I had to start in Denver. When I went down there, once I got into the scene little by little,

you heard rumblings. The older comics were all pissed off. She stole my joke. Yeah. I wrote for her. Yeah. Everybody wrote for her all of a sudden. All the ones that didn't make it.

Yeah. Everybody was pissed off at her. So half the camp and Denver loved her, but the other half of camp didn't fucking like her. because she either stole their jokes or he wrote for it and she didn't pay him there was always and all that shit's just bullshit how it it trickles with everybody let me tell you some as a comic if lee gave me five jokes a month that i could run with why would i get rid of them with stiff him yeah do you know what you're saying yeah i know exactly what you're that's why run white hires five comics to write from so does kevin hart like there's people on laptops i've seen his show there's people on laptops Hey, homie, stop, stop. Do that again, dog. Yeah.

That's some shit. That's how you make a limit. Yeah. A good comic knows he gets three other comics that he, like I have. HBO gives me $300,000. I'm pulling with Chris Rock. Oh, yeah. I'm taking three comics that I like and go.

Here's $50,000 apiece. Until I shoot the special, you're with me every night. We're hanging out every night. Pick me up at 745. Every night. We'll get an Uber to drive us around. Wow. The improv, the ha-ha.

and you're writing, Lee's writing, and somebody else is writing. Each get 50 grand. Damn, I'm down. So the first, so that's Chris Rock style. I can invent that.

Chris Rock did that with Nick Napolo, Louis C.K. and Richard Jenny. Oh, wow. That's why if you watch Chris Rock's early specials, they were, wow. Fire! He gave everybody 50 or 75 and said, 15, 15, 15, 15,

takes some pressure off me. Yeah. Plus, motherfuckers, do what you do. Do what you do. Web it, how you want to web it. And they'd be outside the store talking. No, put it here. That put it.

Bro, they'd be right. And they'd start at the improv, do 20. Laugh factory, guest by, bumping motherfuckers, do 20. And sometimes one of them would go up. Chris Rock would go up and Richard Jenny would go up after them and do this joke. Let me work it this way. That's how bad ass they were. Wow.

So I'm walking in there with George Perez and Lee. And not only we walk in there. We're all going up and you're gonna try the material you wrote for me and you're gonna try the joke you row for me And then go ooh when I was on stage I fucked it up man Yeah do it this way and add Joey to it now put fuck there boom we got a joke You're 75,000 your 50,000 is worth weight and gold now the comic to have his ego lowered by doing that Yeah, you know what my ego to me you're fucking telling me Joey I'm putting my life in your hands yeah I'm gonna Take care.

And go, what week you need me? Get off the road. I'll be right there with you. There's a way to do this. It's six, seven nights a week. Three spots during the week. And on the weekend, came it down, spent some time with your family. It's 15 to 16 spots a week because half of them you're going to bomb on purpose just to talk.

Yeah. You just want to talk and get a line. Yeah. One of these guys got a tape recorder. Boom. We got that line, dog. All right. Now use email it to Lee.

He emails at the fucking giant Obama. And by the morning, we got three fucking jokes from that. That's real true. To try out. That's how you do it. Plus the camp stays fed. Like, motherfuckers are happy because I'm getting paid. Now nobody says, well, he wrote my joke.

I wrote a joke. Nobody said that. You got me 50 grand, bro. Fuck that, motherfucker. I'll babysitting for six weeks. It's weird. As a fan, when we talked about this before, I was really not against it because I, like,

but it's, if I always imagined, if I was a stand-up, I would never let any, like, I wouldn't want people to write for me. I liked people who wrote for themselves. but like you said something like you've been giving me advice here and there like one thing you said is just your material is like how your world collides with that or with the rest of the world and like so I I don't even see it really as writing it's like because it's we were talking about specials and how like when people do a few specials they kind of run out of material almost

like you're just writing for so long so if someone else is just like kind of like lobbing it up for you and then you like Joey if you were hiring us If we gave you an idea, you'd probably change it a little bit. You'd adapt it to your point of view. But it's just- No, no. But see, the people that you're hiring, you get open mics with. Right.

They know you for the last 15 years. Okay. They know how to write to you. They know how to write for you. It's not just anybody. But these guys are your friends. You started with them. You feature it for me.

Remember the time, bro? We did that club for $16 and $82. That's what it is. Remember what we did, coheaval? I've had thousands of people that I've known over the years ago, bro, I wrote us something that's not working, but I see your name on it. Oh.

It's different. It's different. Yeah. Some people do it from the heart. Some people do it on the way before they hang up. They go, bro, if you got any work, throw up my way. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

They hit you with a bad joke and shit. And you're like, so you call me with a bad joke. Now you want work? Fuck. Your resume was weak. You know what I'm saying? But it's the truth. It really is the truth that.

But was Roseanne doing that? Roseanne had in Denver. I don't fucking know. I didn't check the facts. All I know is when I got on stage in Denver, everything, everything. Every time you went to a room with six comics, they talked about two comics. Roseanne Barr and Sinbad. Why?

What was Sinbad? Sinbad supposedly lived in Denver. And he did a benefit one time, and a bunch of the yoke and Mike's went to the benefit. like to be open micers. And Sinbad said to these open micers, they said, Timbad, give us some advice. And Simbad was like, listen, what I need you guys to do is to write clean comedy.

Stay away from dirty comedy because you want to be universal and all this shit like this. So all those dudes became anti-dirty. So just like Rogan and Boston, when I started in Denver, everybody was, bro, you're too dirty. Like your shit's too dirty. Like that three, you said three fucks.

Too dirty. Because everybody was trying to. be fucking Sinbad. Yeah. It's so weird how the heroes from the area define you. You know what I'm saying? You have to figure out what they did, what was different. Like, when you read the Sam Kennison book, it's a great read.

Because it tells about Sam and Houston with Carl LeBow and Bill Hicks, which is irreplaceable. That's what comedy is all about. You're getting to the top with your friends. You know, when your friends are there and you could go back and go broke. Remember cost a teen on Tuesday nights for $40? bucks come on people go about what are you talking about because everybody thinks we just met we've been doing comedy for three years yeah they don't understand that i know you since oh fucking two or something 98 99 whatever you know me since oh two oh two oh three and we've met each other we

gained mutual respect for each other because we saw each other at all the fucking hellholes around l.a where guys wouldn't step foot into those fucking things no most people wouldn't step foot into those things me in hindsight even back then i knew that it would make me better. And they were a pain the ass to do. They were paying the fucking ass to do because there's always a Laker game on or a Dodger game on.

And now you're doing four spots. So if one of your spots is late, that's fucking your shit up. Yeah. So once one of your spots is late, then we go for the money. Where's the money at? That's who gets my attention.

That free one in Melrose? See you later by. Because I'm not going to make it. Good night. Yeah, but you're headlining. Come on. My father's here. He came from Maine.

I don't give a fuck. Get somebody else at the DM. I'm going to pick up with that envelope, dog. Yeah, I used to give you 100 bucks, El Pato. Yeah, that was big shit too. Big shit. People don't, like, one of the things that really frazzled me before I moved to L.A., and this is for anybody who's moving in general for whatever occupation,

whenever I would speak to people, like if you're a dancer or you're a fucking archaeologist or whatever, people would always shy you away. Like, whenever I would mention L.A. when I was a feature on triple runs or in shitty comedy rooms the headliner was usually a failed LA comic. Yes. Who either told you that you ought to suck

dick to be in LA, you got to be gay to get in LA, or you're not going to get spots, so you're not going to make any money. It was the weirdest thing, Lee. How many people told me I was not going to make money? And it was the opposite. Yeah. I so know what you're saying right now. You just have to make money.

You have to know eight people who have a room. and they'll throw you 50 bucks here. Yeah. And then you put something together and you put them on the line up and next thing you know, you're part of a network. Yeah.

And you're part of people calling you going, dog, what are you doing Tuesday now? I got a $50 gig for you. I bar la Chechay. And then somebody else calls you and says, I got a $50 gig. What do I do? Hold on, let me call you back.

What time are you putting me up at Barla Cheshay? Put you up at 915. What time is your show? I'll put you up about 1030. They're both lying to you. That both line to you. He's going to put you up at fucking. He's telling you 915 because he's putting you up

the quarter to 10 or 10 and he wanted you that early because Joey's known to come late yeah and fucking uh and the other dude and the other dude is really gonna put you up 11 15 but you already got a 12 with the store and you ain't canceled that for nobody no whether it's 15 unless i needed that package badly that i can i push the store back a little bit listen i'll be that little way you know what i remember like when i first started a comedy edwin san juan had a lot the rooms and Felipe and I was in a meeting with them because we were just like smoking weed I think we went to Felipe's house when he used to live on temple and Boylston by that high school and shit where he lived like it was up a hill and Philippe's like a fool check it out joy he needs to

pay rent this month dog so George you got him on Wednesday Casa Latina Tuesday I got him a walk coyote a big homie we got to how we got to have my rent this month and it was just how you said it's like you said. It was crazy. Yeah. It was fucking crazy how I'll never forget when I realized I was making money when I didn't have it no more. Oh yeah.

Because from 2000, I gotta say it, from 2001, if I'm lying to you, I'm dying right here in front of you guys. From 2001 to 2006, I was making 400 a week as a comic during the week here. Damn.

But that's actually not bad. You got to remember that then you guys started booking improvs and that up the ante for everybody. Yeah. Like, once the improvs started giving us Tuesdays and Wednesdays and some Thursdays, that changed the game.

Yeah. That automatically put money in your pocket now constantly. Now, again, you're like, Joey, 300, 400, 300 to do it or two spots a night. What's you do in the store? It ain't that bad. you first get here no 1600 a month jack i did a lot with 1600 a month in those days you make that shit work jack wonder bread romans you make that shit work jack the chinese lunch special

595 with a free soda hoo humming no you make it work but i never forget in 2007 the economy fucking went out the window i got clean i got locked up yeah i got clean off coke and all those rooms went down the hill. Yeah. And I was sitting there with my dick in my hand going, bro. Why am I so broke? It was because I was making three to four hundred a week. Tuesday, no, Monday, two fucking Thursday or Friday, doing little gigs for these guys. Even Satina paid you the small 40. Yeah. Even Satina paid you a sold out show. On a sold out show, give you the small 40. You were picking up envelopes all night long. At the end of the night,

you were looking at 160 in your pocket. You're not getting rich. But that's four or five spots, right? That's four spots. Yeah. You got to figure with the comedy store, 15, 60 from George, 100 from Felipe, you know, it's 175. But guess what? Thursday night, you're only making 65. You got a spot at the store and you got a $50 gig up at Universal.

And you've got to figure out how to pay for, how to, you better hope he pays for your parking because it's not, it's a small 35. Yeah. Because you've got to pay 15 for parking over a universal. A, Lee, one time I was at this club called Wow. Coyote and it's fucking gangsterly it's gangster club like the women in there are packing and Felipe's Holstein and he's like yeah Joey D's is closing the show up tonight Joey shows up the show goes to 12 Joey shows up at 1030 I'm headlining at 1030 dog yeah because in those days dog I had the addiction yeah I was hooked on coke I need this

money I gotta get out of here I got kind of wait for 12 I'm waiting all day to do a fucking line of coke I'm headlining at 1030 Yeah, I get that go up first and shit Welcome bring up your headliner and then Felipe goes damn after tonight a lot of comments are gonna say that Joey opened up for them Hey, but you know what man those are some great fucking times Joey because like Hey dog, I'm not here to like to kiss your ass or shit, but I've seen your whole Evolvent yeah, I saw your involvement yeah no but watching yours was crazy because like you were already power But like I could see like there was just something wasn't letting you get in, dog.

Like you were at the strip club in the VIP room, but like Dick wasn't getting hard for some fucking reason. And then it was just, it was over. It was over. Like I remember getting out of prison and you were just like, damn, George, I was going to fucking start selling cars. Because when I got out of prison, I was like, I need money. I opened up all these rooms again. And you told me me and Rizzle started to take you in. I just, I just seen this evolve.

And I was like, oh, shit. It was fucking weird But I know what you mean I see my involvement a little bit too I see it no I saw it the last time you were on stage a red man I'm like look a fucking George man Trying this is years this is You know spots every night and says repetitive as there as the sounds I don't think Like Lee knows Lee's heard all you think Lee could have done Casa Latina

Not the first two times, but after we got him drunk yeah a couple of the Mexican check Bro if the show opens at 8 he'd be there 803 if alma was there you have a spot 3 in the night Lee would be there because it was a fucking open bar in the back like food rice and it was actually good not bad

yeah and if you got there early they would eat chips salsa plus there was tons of chubby Mexican chicks Lee loves is that spot still going on and dirty horse yeah dirty horse dog with kids and husbands at home

and they'll start a dick in the parking straight up and waitresses that were down down fuck this is crazy leave the stories i could tell what about the room who booked all who the fuck booked that room that we went on the wednesday and the following wednesday somebody got shot that's my room no martin moran oh yeah the one off a telegraph oceans i remember that shit when they shot the dude the next week they go back they shoot him lee it doesn't matter the next day the next day i go back to do it matters a little bit It's the hell. Oh, shit.

It sounds like the DA over here. But the funny thing was, the next day I was back, the next day I went back. The DA used one. And they had flowers and candles right in front of the bar family. Can you imagine doing comedy in a place where a guy just got shot the day before? This is what we put up with that. You don't see. Straight up.

Like, this is, you don't know this light to walk past a Mexican candle fucking factory with flowers and toys, little G. That's the guy for that heckled last week, game. And you walk in. this bar oceans and it was a little stage with like fucking uh sparkle behind you remember yeah sparkles behind it was like a 70s 80s vibe in that and it had a thing that said oceans like you were supposed to be on a boat it looked like the bar that Pacino had yeah it looked like the bar bechino had in carlito's way that's what it looked like guys i swear to god they were trying to make this bar it looked like a fucking inside of a boat it was hilarious but the night i walked in there and i saw the

flowers on the side, I'm like, bro, my comedy career better do something because I'm doing comedy in a place where a guy got shot. And years earlier, people don't remember when Darren Carter, they threw a knife out of an ocean side. No way. Like some dude, one of those knife throwers was in the room. He was like a magician my door? I like my girls.

He took that flashlight out and all of this thing. Right into the wall an ocean side. He'll tell you, next time you see you. I was with them Friday. Tell him. Tell you about Oceanside. This had to be 2001, 2009.

Oh, I wasn't even in yet. Yeah. And Diamond was very sweet then. Yeah. Like Darren was drinking tea and shit. Oh, yeah. And some poor motherfucker threw a knife for Adam dog. He was pale for four days.

Me too. I'm pale for him. Yeah, but he's ginger. Remar me not to go to Oceanside. Now, Oceanside's nice now. I mean, I don't know. I haven't been there in a while. But Joey, you know, I've always wanted to ask you this, man.

And you're like a god in the old Latin world scene. And I remember like I hit you up. I go, hey, dog, I'm going to go do a show in Vizelia. You're like, dog, how much of the pain? I'm like, 500 you're like, that used to be a $1,500 check for us, dog. Like how? Like back in like, in the 90s, Latin comedy came out. Get locals, right?

We're talking about this. Yes. Dog, how was it? Because like when I got there, I heard everybody fuck. Like, I had to go out of my way to fuck. Like like how how was it? What do you mean? Like I heard the rooms were just jumping back then at a taco truck outside Margaritas like you guys were doing thousand cedars when I first came here the Latin comedy movement was in full effect In fact, I snuck in through the Latin comedy movement because all three clubs had a Latino night that time

Oh all right the store had a Latino night Sunday nights from 8 to 10 or something, Monday nights, and the improvs was big. Okay. The improvs was well produced. The dude who did it was a manager. Oh. He had a couple comedians, like not big time comics,

like people on TV. Okay. Like, yeah, TV, hey, actors, what the fuck am I saying, comedians? He had actors, but he was a Cuban dude, and he was a very sweet dude. He was married to a black chick that had, like, one of those diseases. And she was a fucking soul of God. That's awesome.

And I came to this town and I fucking did his thing. And I think he was Cuban. So that's why he was like, come back next week. But he goes, don't come to my stage or out of a suit on it. What? Yeah, dog. He was like, I need for you to put a suit on it. That's some whack shit.

And I thought about it. And I thought about it like that. And I was going to cancel. I go, who the fucking mind of cancel spot at the improv? I went to Melrose and I bought a secondhand black suit. That's how broke I was. I just bought a suit. You got to do it.

You got to do it. And I'm committed to that suit. I bought the suit, and I'm week later, I got a call that I'm opening up. I'm doing a show at the Desert Inn. This is when the Desert Inn was open. Where's the Desert Inn? Vegas. Exactly.

It's gone. They sold that shit. But the Desertin was one of the old school casinos at the Mafia ran, but they were doing comedy now. And it was me, Dave Attell. Oh. And, like, Lewis C.K. C. $1,500.

$1,500. Dog, that was the biggest gig in my life. You ready for this? I get there, everybody canceled. So guess we replaced them? Vinnie Faberito and Tim Allen. Oh. When Tim Allen was Tim Allen.

Damn. I think of fucking sitting in the room right now for nothing in Vegas and Kevin Hart walks and he goes, dog, I'm doing a gig with you. But they don't even know it. Damn. People in the audience didn't even know Tim Allen was there. So I went out first. I brought Vinnie up and Vinny brought out Tim Allen. The place nearly erupted.

Fuck. And that's how I became friends with Tim Allen. He was telling me that he's doing it. he doesn't want nobody to know his business he doesn't want people to come to watch him that's that's so fucking smooth he kept going to i suck right now but i just want to do stand-up but nobody gets that everybody i call says we wow i understand it now he goes they have to put your name on the gazebo so he was doing spots over at the laugh factory in the 98 97 but he would pop in he didn't want them to know when he was coming up because they would advertise him he got

busted for cocaine huh yeah before he's he's he's from Detroit I don't know yes yes that's crazy sorry go ahead no no no yeah I just trip out because like if you if you look at the comics like a dog I'm finally not judging people like I used to judge people like if we're locked up on the street I was like you know fuck this fool dog I don't like the way this fool eats you know what I mean I used to judge people like that and I stopped judging people like that and in my head I was going Joey D has been locked up Tim Allen been locked up your seat been locked up, Toby Hicks been locked up.

How many comedians have been locked up? There's not that many of us, dog. Well, I'm gonna tell the truth. Okay, so I got into comedy in 91. For like a year, I just did comedy. And then something sparked me renting videos. That was the shit. I went up to this video store, had three floors in Boulder.

They were the biggest video in the store in the fucking state of Colorado or something. and the upstairs was just comedy there was a wall or just stand-up comedy everybody was on the wall and one of the tapes I brought home one night

was Tim Allen on the showtime All-Stars and dog I fucking laugh my ass off that two days before he goes to a dentist he don't brush his teeth

I haven't heard that bit eats Oreo sure it's 1980 fucking seven but before he goes to the dentist he would eat Oreos and pack sour cream in there so color would stick So when he'd open his mouth, the bird would fly out of the air.

Just some stupid shit. Bro, I thought it was amusing. And I'll never forget that I did some reading up all of it. I can't lie to anybody. My heart melted when I found out Tim Allen had done time, and he was a rat. He'll tell you, he ran it? He ratted. He'll tell you.

I can't kick it with him. I can't tell you himself. It was a mistake, but he didn't want to do time. He had already started doing stand-up or something. But when I read it. that he did time and got a deal from Disney,

it made me a relief. Like, it gave me a breathing room. I can't like it. Yeah, but they won't give it to us. Who knows? Yeah, you're right. But now I know it's okay. Listen, before any network

gives us anything, they're going to do a background check, George. Before they invest in you, they're going to do a background check. And what are they going to find on that background check, George? They're going to find a lot of shit for me.

They don't find a lot of shit for you. But as long as you don't stick your fingers in the kid's asshole, You don't sell drugs to the kid or you don't beat your wife. They can't judge on that. Yeah, and I'm cool. I'm cool with that shit. So what do you have to fear?

You made a mistake in 1987. You paid for it and you went on with your life. That's what the story is if they look at my background, yeah, I had a couple. Call me, you kidnapped the bitch. Yeah, but that's 87. And he's showing up next to this weekend in Tempe. Oh, yeah?

Kent Bell is coming to the Tempeam on Friday night. You're getting your tweet cleared. Right? That's what's up though, dog. Listen, bro, if you judge it, this is why I don't like this latest shit that somebody molested me in 89. Someone molested you? No, I'm saying that this latest shit. Listen, if George molestered me last night, let's call the police right now and let's make sure that everything is all right. But for you to come out and say right now that you fucked a chick in the comedy store in 2001 one night, some chick just come out of the blue.

You got a call from the motherfucking police going. They're coming over to the house, George Perez. Hey, dog. And they're knocking the door and they sit you down. They go, listen, some fucking lady just came to the station for the last three days and said that in 2002, you were at El Tortillas for Felipe Spars or Joey Diaz. And you took her in the back and you forced her to have anal sex. And right now, what's stopping? What's stopping anybody from doing this?

Yeah, that's some fucked up shit. So when you look at, if you do a background check on me, you're going to find kidnapping that have been pleading that have been pleaded. I pleaded down. I pled down. They wouldn't have fucking pled down. They wouldn't have pled down with nonviolent. Okay. Okay.

My bad, I thought it was like, No, it was heavy. You grabbed them. No, it was heavy duty. But at the end of the day, none of the stories collaborated. I feel you the same much. They wanted a conviction. They're like, take the lower.

Yeah, the reason why I kept in contact with the victim, why I made a reach, because at the end of the day, it wasn't a victim who ratted me out. Oh. It was the biker. Oh, I feel you now. I found that. that out a year later but I knew that all along that Vela didn't talk first you know they

went to Vela at the hospital later and said what happened he was like I don't want to talk about it yeah and then days later they went to him and now they see with him what happened with him was he was out on bail I'm in shock listen to me he was out on bail this dude I kidnapped was out on bail for having a DUI going through through a wall with a car. And when they took him to the hospital, it gets stitched up. While he was at the hospital,

he cut him in the pharmacy, and he robbed liquor cocaine. Fuck. So they pressured him with that. I got you now. You follow me? They said to him, would have you don't testify against him.

Yeah. You're done. We got you on this. In my head? But Vella, whole hell done. At the end, he had to go to court and say what he did. But he just went to court and kept it light.

He didn't really say nothing. And then I bumped into him. So this is, I did my time in 88. I bumped into him in 93 at a bar in Boulder. Colorado? Yeah, I had a bar, and I go, what's up? You didn't do this in Georgia.

You did this one, Colorado? What, my time? Yeah, okay, okay, my bad, yeah. Go ahead, dog. So I'm at the bar, and I bump into him. And I go, how are you doing? I go, can you get him a package? And while he's weighing this shit in the hallway,

he's looking at me going, I can't believe you're kidding that me. That is fucked up. You kid that. He was all fucked up. And that was a fucked up afternoon. I can't trust you anymore. And all this shit. He waited out and gave it to me.

And that was it, right? So I thought we were cool. So when all this social media popped up, I thought about him and I reached out to him. And bro, for like two or three years, he wouldn't go back. And then finally one day his arm would crack. And he's like, fuck you, you fat motherfucker.

You kidnapped me. You ruined my day and all this shit. Yeah, that's what I hit him back. And I kept hitting him. And finally he would loosen up a little bit. finally I go this is my number and he called finally so I got it off my chest you know I'm saying I'm not if he goes to Tempe I'm gonna bring him on stage to tell the still hell yeah tell the story come on these people what happened you're yeah

straight how I set you up hell how I said job so that's what I was thinking the whole time I was like well people don't understand imagine kidnapping somebody he's like yo man I'm cool he didn't hurt me a like I was in the trunk like he you kidnapped this fool and he was on bail Imagine being on bail you. Like I'm freeing, like some dude just grabs and throws you in the fucking truck. He was going through hell. Like, he was going through hell. I got everything I deserved and then something.

Because I just took advantage of this poor fucking guy. Like, he was going through hell. And when he came to me, he goes, you know, my roommate. Because his whole plot was he was robbing his roommate. Yeah. So the dude who let him stay on his couch when he got out in jail and bailed him out. That's who he was robbing. Like, this guy's just crazy.

Fuck. This guy's crazy. Yeah, I'm like if you're gonna rob him then I'm gonna rob you Why am I gonna give you the cash if you're gonna rob him that's how I looked at it Yeah, yeah it's bullying too as well as like yo dog you're on my block no he wasn't getting bully He was he's a big guy he was okay you had to pull out a pistol these days these guys got up around Pistols and shit you gotta pull out a pistol it's fucking crazy bro when I think about all that craziness Yeah, I feel you on that different life it's like I died and came back yeah that and that was like a different

fucking life ago 30 years ago all that crazy this yeah you know this last time I was locked up I talked to recent enemies because when you're in there your enemies are now your homies there's no more set trip and it's like and there was this dude that I jumped like I didn't jump on this full walked up to my cousin was like I'm gonna fucking kill you bitch and he didn't know she she had five dudes outside so we went in there Joey we it was at 7-11 it was an orange off of Maine right off of Maine and La Vida

after a Mary Jane girl's concert and these fools were from I won't say where they're from they're from Santana and dog we beat the shit

out of these fools like I threw that full by the slurby machine stomped on and shit and it was crazy because like back at this time Lee like gangster movies was in boys in the hood

fucking colors American me Boulevard Knights bound by honor blood in blood out I was like I wanted I was like trying to reenact the scene I seen in there Are you allowed to go into 7-Eleven's anymore? Yeah but there was no cameras back then oh okay This is before that thank goodness we threw one of those

motherfuckers through the window Lee oh my god what window the front window oh Jesus we were some like we were some crazy fools because I was from like a hood that was like, we were all the guys that got cut from the varsity team just because we didn't give a fuck. But we still had game. We were still with it.

You know what I'm saying? I didn't have game. It was just, it was in a different area. Right. Yeah. You know what I mean, Joey? Doug, you don't have to fucking break it down for me. I sit here some nights and I just fucking wake up in the middle of the night,

I think or something. Dog, this shit. trip me right now like I didn't know you kidnapped the motherfucking fool that was on bail That's crazy. He was out on bail Dan. That's a movie dog and the other guy was a biker fake biker. Yeah, that's a movie He kidnapped him because he he was dating a stripper that was divorced trying to get divorced So he moved the stripper into his mother's house He moved out of the bedroom moved there into the bedroom and he slept on the couch the mother's

The mother slept in the other master bedroom. And I would go, Tidwell, are you fucking her? And he goes, no, no, she's a Catholic girl. Meanwhile, she was a titty dancer. She danced nude. You know, she was making thousands of night. But she was Catholic. She was friend.

So she told him, I'll fuck you. You're my man, but you have to pay for my divorce. Oh. You know how strippers were. Come on. They win it. I thought about to deal real quick, too. She was beautiful.

Yeah. She was a Spanish girl. That was beautiful. He was big, white, and dumb. and stupid he fell for the hook and that all that's why he kidnapped this guy but he didn't even do it for him he did it because he needed that money to pay for her divorce so she could be with him yeah because she was catholic that's a you don't understand what what joey just said right now i hear this every day fucking day lee and these bitches come up to me and give it to and it's crazy lee because the

only motherfuckers that can scam strippers are hard core gang members This stripper was like, hey, man, my fool that I was with, he got locked up. She's like, I really sent him $1,000, George. I sent him two packages. I even sent packages to his homies that are in there. And I was like, you're getting fucking played home, girl. I've been that dude. But she's like, but he fuck's good, eh?

I was just like, fuck. Every day. Like, this girl's like, yeah, man, I'm going to bone down full for three months. And he said he's going to buy me tits and an ass. And what they do is that in TJ, the doctors and TJ Joey have stepped their fucking game up like they came to San Diego

and they got their degrees and said you know what I'm still a fucking citizen to TJ I'm starting my shit over here they do what San Diego does and TJ they do it for half and ash yeah exactly and you got to put the deposit in

she's like you put because she got her tits she's taking the fat off her stomach and putting it in her ass So it's like a better look. And then she's getting her tits all fixed up and shit. And I think it's only costing her $4,000. That's all.

That's all. So the guy smooth. He gave her $1,200. He's like, I'll give you. He's going to give her $1,200 in increments of those three months. And he's like, I'm going to fuck when I want to fuck. And that's it. But the girl's like, okay, yeah, yeah.

That deals in play. But you still got to be my customer. You still got to come in this bitch, tip me, give me my money because I still have to work. I can't just fuck you when you want, you know what I'm saying? So this fool comes into work, pays the fucker at work. That we watch on the camera as this bitch is getting fucked. Did you give them a discount or nothing? No, because they have to, the club always gets to, we have to know what you're making.

Like, say a half hour costs $300, Lee. That's what it costs? Yeah. And you, we're taking you, Doug. So I have a, no. So, dude, 300 bucks to fuck. Oh, the fuck. Okay.

I thought those is just the lap dance. Everything. You can eat their ass. Anything. But that's still a lot. Jesus Christ. Yeah, they'll piss on you, Lee. I don't want them.

Yeah, yeah. We got to get a legal. How much do you have to give them to not piss on me? Yeah. Yeah, once you get a whole package where they fuck you, you know, they pee on you. He'll give you a brownie. I don't want to know what that is. So, so, so Lee, like, the.

club has to get that 300 and they take a 50 out and they give you 250 back because you're paying for that space you're using when you when you fuck at a strip club you're paying to be like all right this is going to be done quick there's no hotel there's nothing it's just me going in somewhere I'm fucking and I'm out okay do you get the full 30 minutes or is it just like as soon as this is over we're done it matters how much that that's when the negotiations and the girl goes well look I'll fuck you for 10 minutes in there but if you pay me more These fools don't get a cut of what I'm making now. You don't even have to tip none of that.

So like I heard I've been to clubs. I ain't going to lie. Like I don't fuck, but I go to see the competition. Like to see what they're doing. I always go to industry. And I'm like, wow.

Research. Yeah. Hey, these bitches are only charging $450 to fuck for half an hour. And I'm talking 23 year old, the 28 year old only. And they're beautiful. And it's like,

it's the fucking OG pimping. brothel house to the finest because you know Cholos running it's all sharp and shit they got candles everything's clean sharp drapes curtains What

How do you know Is it like the shame Think about it You walk in somewhere And they got Like old theater curtains In that shit People are fucking

Those are sound barrier curtains I'm fucking 55 You know I would love to take my dick out, go to like an apartment building and shit, but at the other hand, right? It is so fucking disgusting.

It is. It really fucking is disgusting. As much as you want to sweeten up. Listen, everybody should try it one time. Try it. Try it one. Go to a strip club and negotiate with a chick and fuck her right there. Oh, yeah.

And let us suck your dick in the boot. You got to do it at least one time in your life. But $300? Who gives a fuck, Lee? Yeah. That's what it's, it's, 300. $100 is for her to never talk to you. Again, you just give her the $300 to swallow your jizz

and never talk to you again. You can live your life. You get a rash. It's on you. You took a chance. Columbus did. Who cares? That's it.

They'll take an upper cut for $50 more bucks. It's how you feel after that. It's how you feel when you get home and you're like, oh my God. Yeah. I just paid a chick to suck my balls. And she did it for 10 minutes. She jipped me, but I came. Because every time I'm saying,

Yeah, when you're coming, you're done. You're done, you're done. Because your pants are all wet now. It can be a half hour. And you're done in two minutes? Yeah. You're done in a minute. So what happens?

Like, are you really saying we have to tip after that? Yeah. If you work the negotiation. See, but you know what? The best part of it, dog, is that. How are you customers out there? This is how you win, guys. You could be like, look, this is not a whore house.

You guys told me the, VIP is 300 bucks there's 300 bucks well if I pay more now I'm paying for prostitution if I that's what this one fool did to us over like damn all right dog sorry hung girl like if if you are out say you're the bouncer and you go get that money you're now the pimp because you're negotiating this deal that's where they get you the club can only be like hey that it says 300 on the board sorry you know like but then if the bouncer gets to money that's where you get the extra tip. It's pretty crazy, though, because, like, some girls, a lot of girls, they'll con you.

They'll be like, they'll be like, hey, yeah, we'll have sex and they'll take you back there. And they'll be like, oh, you don't have a condom. You're like, what the fuck, bitch? Like, I thought it came with a deal. And they'll come back and be like, hey, she charged you $500 and she didn't give me no sex. And I was like, if you didn't fuck home, girl, you got to get that money back. Because these are paying customers. We want them to come back, too, you know?

Like, it's weird, Joey. like the girls will try to get them and that customer will get that 200 back and be like, you fucked up, bitch. Now I'm going to go get your friend and spend a thousand on her. Because these fools are in there to show off. It's weird.

Some weird shit. They serve food at your place. Hand on all, they serve pussy. You can't serve food and pussy in the same place. Really? Hang on, that's like a health code. Yeah, I'm sure the health department really... No, there's been like that when you first go to Cleveland

and Broad, the first time you work in Cleveland as a feature act. When you walk in the door, you walk back there and they give you the keys to the condo and on the way out, the door guy that answered the phone goes, hey man, here,

and he'll give you 10 passes for free lunch. And there was a strip club, 100 yards from the condo under the fucking bridge by the water. And you would go in there at lunchtime

and they had prime rib. So you went in there, you got lap dance for the small 20. You got a heart on, your felt, the titty's on the slide. and you ate some fucking horrible part of the river. It was just disgust in this place. And however the meat looked on Monday, it looked the same on Tuesday.

They just put it in like in a closet. It took it out and chopped it up. It was harder than fuck. When I went the first day, there was a chef by Friday. They just had a stripper cut the meat and shit with no hat on and shit. It was fucking crazy. So yeah, I've been to strip clubs where they had food in there. No, but naked, full naked?

I don't think they do full naked. They do topless. because there's a there's one and uh there's one called the library joey ooh we hey this club is so good it used to be owned by hustler and they bought them out they got this method these motherfuckers serve sushi in the strip club on top of nick of women that place no like they do it they got a sushi chef back there like this is a business spot there's like 50 girls there on a Tuesday and they get like $3 anything night.

It's more couples there than anything. Fools of money just trying to get bitches horny. It cracks. It's classy. But it's in the house? If you got the right, right in there, it's like you're paying $700 up. Because, yeah.

For what? For half an hour? Yeah. Right upstairs? Yeah. You got a sucky, sucky, sucky room up there? They got a sucky, sucky, fucking duck. Everyone does.

Everyone does. The price is always, hey, man, those are the You give the bouncer a hundred bucks. He'd be like, hey, dog, you're going to park your car. Like, you know what I mean? It's motherfuckers are trying to get their money on. What if you give them to the bouncer like $20? Would he give you an extra 10 minutes or something?

I went a few weeks ago to a strip club for like 30 minutes. And I get through creepy jibis, though. I really do, man. I really want to be that guy. people don't go to strip clothes in the valley at all like up in the valley it's like fucking two Russian dude and that creepy Mexican dude that's horned up

and a fucking kid in the ass or fuck anybody he just goes and then they search you at the strip club it's like Jesus Christ I don't want to be nowhere where I get fucking searched all right you know I'm over all that shit guys I feel now this I went to one this last Thursday was psych Dick 80's birthday

And we went to the house of Eden And this one's different, man Because this one's more of a dominant Black girl club It's like it's known to have hot ass black chicks And everything else But the black chicks there like They run that shit

And uh We went hard dog It's weird though because I don't know how to say this This one chick was like Hey man like after like She tried to tell me she trains and shit. She's like, hey, I try to be a Marine.

And I was like, what the fuck? You know how strippers try to spill game? And then she was like, hey, look, the lab dad this here only costs $20. No, 10 bucks. She's like, if you get three of them, I'll let you punch me in the stomach 40% afterwards. What? I'm not lying. My son was there.

My son tripped out on me. I was like, you swear to God, I could punch you at 40%. She was like, yeah. I was like, all right. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. Where's Tony better at that? Oh, my, thank you. Hey, I'll take you, though.

You can meet her. No, thank you. I don't want to meet nobody. So, but the Christianity back in the room and shit. Punching women in the stomach. Next thing, you know, I'm in rehab with Harvey Weinstein. There's a reaction.

I want to be around to pick up the pieces. When somebody breaks your heart. He's pretty good. Oh, good. Somebody twice as smart. One of a piece, though, thank you. We got to go deep tonight.

Sunday night. Who's better than you? Nobody. For somebody who will swear to be true. Let me get some shout out here real quick. My main man, Adam Milan, who sent us some fucking flutes made out of wood.

They're beautiful when I go to the jungle. Larry Ziegler, Kevin Arnold, Mr. Yeah, Sparky, Megarees, Anthony Eifelisse, Freddie Dadaal, Sherry Robeck, Dante Gazzini, John J. Ramirez. Don't forget Thursday night, Tempe, coming in big, thousand milligram brownies and shit, right off the fucking airplane,

like a fucking airborne ranger, you understand me? And then the third week of May I'm in fucking the stress factory, Jersey. I'm coming home, two days. Don't fuck around. All right, so let me ask you something. When did you shoot Taco Shop?

I think we shot it in 2010? No, 2011. Can you believe it takes fucking six years to go to be off the ground like after you shoot it? Yeah, like, hey, I was pissed. Like, I remember talking shit. I remember...

We all get pissed. Yeah. We all get pissed. Because they kept telling us, hey, it's going to make it. And I was like, come on, dog, it's been five years. I was like, you guys going to change it into Taco Flop? Like, what the fuck, dog? Like, and finally, Oscar Tarino, the guy who wrote the movie, he was like, look, we're having a fucking, we're having a viewing.

They got a fancy hotel in L.A. And they had corrupt and dads from the dog pound there. Like, we got new investors. They had Ron Artez from the Lakers there. So these new investors took over. And it was like, oh, okay. it's moving you know and it got picked up it's going to be in select theaters it's going to be on video on demand and in target so we'll see what's up with it it's funny how sometimes you shoot a

movie like I had Rambo there was a problem they shot Rambo seriously the first one for real yeah there was a problem like they shot it and then they released it and they re-released it because it didn't have any heat oh they re-released and have to rock Oh, that's a rap. Yes, exactly how you said it. That's, it's really weird how films work, how I did this movie years ago that changed my life, but I'm still a little pissed off at the dudes because while we were shooting, we were going to be on Broadway, we were going to do this, we were going to do that, and then the movie

came out and he called everybody like, dog, do you know anybody in YouTube? You know, you're like, what the fuck? Wow. We worked for three weeks straight on this movie, no days off, three weeks fucking strand of this movie right through Thanksgiving. I'm not mad about the work. I had a good time making it. But it's the shit that goes afterwards.

For a while there, bro, after the longest shot, I was doing fucking, I did like three years of death. I did movies that were fucking god-awful. Straight to Walmart. Bro, straight to fucking Walmart. I didn't fucking know. You didn't know when you're shooting.

Yeah, you're right. They pay you and you take the money and then they call you up when they tell you they're having a premiere. on Sunset Boulevard at 5 o'clock on a Friday afternoon. You're like, what the fuck is that shit? I got shit to do. I'm not driving the sunset Friday at a fucking 5 o'clock in the afternoon.

I mean, I did a bunch of those for a while. You know, when you hear you, you don't know what you're shooting. You don't know what you're fucking shooting. I knew what I was shooting when I was shooting Spider-Man too. I knew when I was shooting along his yard and grudge match and shit. But there's movies that you're shooting. You know, like, I don't know what's going to happen here.

Yeah, I got two of those under my book. You pray for the best. You go, I know what's going to happen. One of them, I'm glad didn't fucking make it. These motherfuckers flew me out to Kansas. It was Hutchinson, Joey. Cholo like me, I was in shock. I thought they were going to kill me.

Because, like, these were, like, crazy white boys. Like, hey, these were 35-year-old men that had on SpongeBob T-Shirts at the fucking Bar dog. You know the SpongeBob? They had those T-shirts. shit and uh yeah kansas hey what were we saying right now sorry i fucking don't worry about the edible jumped out you relax don't worry about nothing we got this oh yeah i was talking about the part so they had me playing a fucking rapist like there i guess there's a story

in kansas where there is this um there was this rich ass guy that restored anything antique and And he hired these two, a Cholo and a white boy that just got out of prison because they took wood shopping all that shit in prison and they could repair anything. And I guess me, my character and the white boy, we would rape the people that came back in when they paid. And it was weird because it was the director's girlfriend was the lead chick. And he was like, hey, homie, you're not even raping her, dog. I was like, what the fuck is? I want you to grab her and throw her. I was like, I can't be doing that shit, dog.

I was on parole. I needed the money. That's the only reason I did it. That's what we do. Most of the dumb shit we do in the beginning is for fucking money. I'm glad that motherfucker never made it. Oh, my God. I tell you how many bad things I did for money.

In December, especially, because in December, you crumble. Yeah? Oh, yeah. Those type of deals show up in December. In December is, do what you don't want to do month. If you don't want to do it, like some people, bro, one young got hit in the face with a pot. No way.

But it was $1,500. For two hours cash in an envelope. Nobody did nothing. How many pies is it? Like four. And I still see the guy every six months. Man, we're going to release it, so. You're not going to bug.

The guy who wrote the movie was supposed to be a writer on Seinfeld. This is when Seinfeld first fucking ended. They called me in for this fucking secretive project. and meet Andy, whatever. He's a writer on Seinfeld. The guy was smoking a cigarette, like he was fucking Chalkowski or Britowski, whatever that guy's name is.

And they auditioned me, and then later on they called back. And they're like, well, we want you to get hit in the face of the pie. I got to be there a pizza pie. I forget what the fuck pie it was. Was it warm? And I was like, you don't break my nose?

No, because it's like this shit. But when I got there, it made me wear like a diaper. Oh, my God. Why? They throw, because they throw it by the way in there. Like, they usually do they forgot to tell me that you're going to wear a diaper until I got there. Something weird, bro.

This was weird shit. Up in studio city at 8 the morning. They shot them eight for 10 dogs. They gave me one of those envelopes, one of those fucking cash envelope. I got another call one time from a friend of mine. I know well, and he goes, you want to make a thousand bucks a second. I'm like, absolutely. He goes, come to this address.

Sounds like he did porn, Joe. Did he do porn? No. No. they put like it was a video game or some type of game where I left this fat chick for flowers all over me

something like that. Wow. You know? Yeah, $1,000. And you got a check like that the next day. You get the overnight check to the fucking house. You're crazy, bro. And they rip me off. You know, they rip you off. If they give me $1,000, it's because they're getting $10,000.

They rip you off. Straight up. But you need the cash. Yeah, but you need the cash. What about the one year, bro? I was dying on a vine. They got the call on a Sunday afternoon. If for fucking 2,000 bucks, first they offered me a nickel. And I go, where is it?

And they were like, it's in bone. I go, no, I'm not driving out there for a nickel for that shit. Yeah. I'm embarrassed to tell you what it is. So they called back and I said, listen, give me a fucking small 2000. Because I'm the real deal. I've been in movies and shit. Yeah.

She goes, okay, $2,000. And I drove to Orange County and had a walk in with a suit and made believe I was big pussy. That's how much I loved cocaine then. It was like $2,000. That's a good week. I did a bunch of shit. I remember one year, George specifically. Oh, my God.

I just hooked up with Terry. I hooked up with Terry that July. And about that November, we moved in together. And I'm living with Terry. And you know me, dog. I don't give a fuck of you broke 11 months a year. Christmas time, you always want to be straight. When I was broke,

When I was flat broken on the streets doing comedy in the beginning, all I wish for was one thing, to have a decent Christmas. Can we at least have a decent holiday season? 11 days. Give me 11 days of the year, God. I'll fight like a fucking savage the rest of the year. But make sure that I'm covered, because there was a lot of Christmases that, bro, 84, 83, 85, they were brutal.

They still hurt. There was one Christmas that destroyed me, 84. I acted like an asshole. I ate in a hotel room by myself. Damn. You know, that type of shit. So, but that's all I ever asked for was those 11 days in a year to be straight. Give me a little Coke.

You know what I'm saying? A little Coke of the 26th to get the party started until New Year's. And then New Year's Day, you lie to yourself and you start all over again. One fucking year, bro, I'm dead, bro. I'm doing stand-up by my being by my mom, but I'm snorting up a fucking storm. It's 2000, 2001. I'm out there four nights a week snorting seven nights a week doing comedy writing how old are you at this time oh Jesus Christ 38 39 damn 30s

309 just going out there for I know I seen your old headshot it was old headshot day you look like you would fuck some shit up dog that was that was 34 yeah bro that headshot this is how that headshot was how that headshot was how that headshot went down. Yeah. I became a regular at the store on a Sunday and that Monday I went to the store and he grew from bump me. So they told me to come back on Tuesday.

In the old days, Jeff didn't work on Tuesdays. That piano game? Yeah, so a Spanish guy worked there that had like a half a fagg mustache. I rolled up and shit. He would always come up. He always wore like hats. He was colorful. You know what I'm saying? I don't know if he

was in the closet if he wasn't. But you want me to tell you something, bro? He was a good ass Chicago. We were talking one day and he goes, what's on your mind? You know, like he's a piano player. You know, they walk out of the store and they go on the bottom. This is my second day in L.A. Lee, remember? What was the lesson two

weeks ago? If you commit, the universe takes care of you? Well, I'm here. I become a regular that Monday before the comedy store, I got a call from my so-called manager and an agent wanted to sign me. If I had a headshot, I'm like, what the fuck is a headshot? What are you talking about?

You need a headshot immediately for you to go out on theatrical auditions. They're great agents. That night at the comedy store was telling this guy that. He goes, all right, do me a favor. Where do you live? I go, Hollywood. It was perfect. I live in Hollywood.

I still remember what the place was. It was down the block from this disgusting restaurant that's still there. It used to be, you ever see the movie American Pimp? No. American Pimp was a Hughes Brothers film or something. I don't quote me on this. I might have. They used to be a famous hamburger stand on sunset where there used to be hookers.

But that place, down the block from that, what the fuck were we talking about? I don't think of it. There was 2001 and there was like a hooker out there. Jesus Christ, you forget. It was your second day in L.A. Yeah, your second day. And I met him over there for the head shots. And dog, that dude goes come by my house, 11, 10, and he took.

head shots they developed in that night and I went over to the corner of LaBray and I made 10 copies I was that bro. How much was that like five bucks? In those days it was like $3 a copy. Damn. And I remember that dude I said what can I do for you and he was just be my friend.

And he did my headshots, those headshots. In those days agents were saying, you know, we're rejecting those. You have to have either these three head people take your photograph and then we each four hundred a piece and I was like, fuck you. A headshot A shot to headshot, bitch.

Yeah. Even then, I knew you're not sucking me into those photographers. Fuck you. It was like a union hot. Yeah, it was really clickish and shit. No, you have to have headshots from one of these five people, and they would give you a sheet of paper. And that's what you had to do your headshots with.

If not, they wouldn't take you. But these two sisters took me, and they got me auditioned and me, whatever, they got me started. But the point of the story is that this dude just approached me. He didn't want to suck my dick. He didn't want to nothing from me, bro. He was just straight up gang, the Spanish doing he goes I'll take your picture tomorrow in my backyard that's what's

he did it for like and there was an hour out of his time and he made my fucking day I never forgot that headshot that Joe Rogan posted that's that headshot wow that's my first there's only 10 copies of a headshot so it's like limited edition yeah you see that headshot steal it because nobody's got their headshot they're gonna have that headshot after that I got head shots with a different photographer but I had that I still had like five of those or six of those because those those days you got to take your resume and staple it behind the headshot. Okay.

So you had to make copies of your resume and then cut it to the size of the exact size of the headshot. It couldn't leak over the sides. It had to be perfect. So you got to do that. Staple the corners and then you had to bring it to your agents every two or three weeks to refuel. You know, it was a complete different world.

But I was on top of that shit. My agents never called me and said, we need headshots. That's the worst thing that could happen to you in those days. This is your agent. We'll call and say, you need a headshot. Now you don't even fucking need a headshot. All those head shop places are out of fucking business. Straight up.

Gone. No, but it's a different world. It's good that this movie came out. You get a little light shut on your taco shop. You're going to have a premiere tomorrow night. The comedy store can do the show. If I get out a guest book, I'm sorry. I'm shooting tomorrow.

Don't worry, but... Yeah, we're going to show the movie first. So, you know, comedy pipe, I want to start. What time is it start? It's going to start at 830. We're going to show the movie. the movies an hour and five minutes and then after that we're gonna do like 45 hour comedy okay and then you know it's monday the comedy stores are better they got killed tony you know what i mean they got

killed tony and they got potluck as well it's gonna be a pack night tomorrow good for you george you're always hustling bro trying fresh in jail no see george you let hold you what you let hold you how many people you meet bro within the first two minutes are telling you they were in prison meet those guys first off they tell you know you don't even need for them to tell you yeah they were like a bad job yeah in my world it was a bump in the road and you get back on the road straight up that's all that is if you're really that person who they say they are it's gonna be a bumpy fucking road you know what I'm saying it's gonna be a bumpy road but if you're not that person they say they are you can prove them wrong straight out and guys like you and me didn't we proved

the few people wrong that's it I take pride in that before anything you know oh they're never gonna make it they're felons whatever it doesn't matter what they put on you if you wear it as a bad john and you're fucking dead if you just go that was something that happened 30 years ago fuck you you know yeah fuck you don't i paid my debt to society i paid my taxes i did everything i paid my back taxes i did everything bro no it's over you're right

you remember that quarterback for the chargers ryan leaf he was like the biggest flop man yesterday i stayed up for a little bit it was like four in the morning and I did you know he got locked up he did three years yeah you know locked up a couple times did yeah but like now he's like a fucking big time rehab counselor now and it's crazy like fuck all off oxy cotton it's just fucking crazy don't talk we live in a weird zone in life I thought yeah listen you're at the comedy store you're at the comedy store Yankee Stadium. Yeah, straight up.

Okay. That's Yankee fucking stadium. That's the old Boston. What's the middle of the ground? That's Fenway. You're in the major leagues. That's Dodger Stadium. That's Chavez Ravine.

That's everything. You're in the major leagues. And, you know, we started a podcast off of Roseanne. We weren't. When we're talking about Roseanne, Roseanne got so powerful. By the time I got here, you know, I had heard. She was just like vicious, huh? Bro, they said she'd never work again.

She pissed everybody off. That much. But all those people are gone. And guess what? She's still around. She became relevant on social media. You know? Oh, yeah.

I don't know how many followers she's got. She gained all kinds of motherfuckers. All kinds of people. She got all of Fox News emails. And she gained, she went right in the slick way. She went right into the back door. The fact that they're paying her again 20 years later, bro. You gotta take your hat off to her.

Whatever the fuck she says on Twitter or whatever. Who gives a fuck? You ever think that these people are maybe ruffling your feathers? What does she have to lose if this show fails? Nothing. It's not. She goes back to an island in Hawaii, and she still has $200 million left

at 50,000 farms that grow mangoes or something. You know, people have to realize that shit that sometimes people are just getting you riled up for no fucking reason. And at the end of the day, they shit. at the end of the day, you know what? They're just trying to get numbers on a fucking TV screen and you buy into it. Whether it's Roseanne or Conno McGregor

or whatever the fuck. Fucking Kanye West. Kanye West. Whatever the most move they make, this is five white dudes in the room going, what's our next move? What's the strategic move? You know what I'm saying?

This is what they expect from you. They're throwing a jab at you. What do you expect from George? Is George going to counter it with a kick to the body? Or is George going to counter it by taking me down? You know, these are the options. you way. So, who the fuck knows? Me? I mind

my business. You mind your business. You do your spots. You go home. You see your kids and you try to enjoy the second chance life gave you. And that's it. This is fucking easy. I want to be in fucking, I don't, I don't give a fuck. I'd rather come here two nights a week.

Fuck around with Lee, smoke some dope, talk shit with a friend than go home than be on a fucking studio all day. Oh, fuck, that. Yeah. No, no. No. You learn. what you want to do you learn how you want to do it especially out here this could go fast or this could go easy meaning you have been around for a long fucking time you've been around long-ass time fuck yeah bro 20 years watching watching one of the most interesting

lines in any movie is apocalypse now when he takes the acid trip and he starts sticking to himself and he's like you know what charlie's in the bush getting strong and i'm in here getting weaker by the minute. We've been in the bush, you know, in the bush watching, watching everybody else fucking get famous, you know, we were here. I saw Gabriel hit. Yeah. Am I mad again? No, no, no, I'm not saying nothing like that. I'm just saying you see the way people hit. You see the people who stayed on top who are still on the road. I saw the people that briefed to everybody, bro, and they were on the road for 18 months. And that's it. They bombed out. Their little TV show didn't pan out for them. That's why we were just talking about this at lunch today.

I saw the little door kit from the comedy store in DiAgostino at Marie E.T. And we were talking about how you see so many headlines that come and go. You see the people who do stand-up until they get a TV show. Then they drop out of stand-up. Then they try to come back six years later, Doug. And they ain't the same time because you got upstate. You stop working that muscle. That's no bueno.

No way. No matter if you're on TV or not, you've got to get on stage four times a fucking week. And you'll figure it out. If you really love stand up, you'll figure it out. You'll figure out how to get out there one night or a week or two nights a week. In fact, it helps you. It helps you with people watching. Now you're out.

Especially today. If you go to the comedy store, you're like a fucking rock star now at the comedy store. A lot of actors go there and out to Judd. The title's always fucking there. Yeah, no, no. It's a different fucking place. A different fucking home. Well, George, I wish you're a lot of it.

lot of luck with this movie you know i always got your back dog i'm happy you came on tonight me too it was gonna be a ho-hobnodan i go fucking let's get george prez to promote his fucking thing thank you said if i get out a guest book tomorrow early i will take a shower starts at eight yeah starts at 8 30 comedy star main room tomorrow look at you you bad motherfucker doing spots at the world famous is shit that's how we do it best club like i said Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Tempe, Arizona. Then the end of the month, stress factory, Providence is already sold out.

You know, I love you fucking savages. As usual, we'll see you Wednesday. Lisa, what's going on with you, Tarzan? I'm doing good, buddy. Yeah, you look good. Tremendous. What's your mother say? Tell me it's not a stuff.

Yeah, she was not happy. Anyway, who gives a friend's fuck. I love you, George President. I love you, too, brother. I'll look tomorrow at the comedy store. I'll see you Savage's Thursday in the Tempey Improv. Lee, kick that fucking mule. Oh, shit.

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