The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #584 - Joey's Wife: Terrie Diaz - A Mother's Day Special

Episode Date: May 14, 2018

Terrie Diaz, Joey's wife and the mother of his 5 year old daughter, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio for a special Mother's Day episode. This podcast is brought to you by:   FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.     Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded on 05/13/2018.

Greetings from Podcastville. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by Fuji Sports. Let me tell you something. If you're a fat fuck, you're looking for a ghee. You're a skinny fuck. You're looking for a nice quality ghee. Work the geetus. Fuji is the way to go.

They're the only company I do business with. I'm a fat fuck. You could tug at me from inside the guard, pull at me. You're pulling me that those geese are fucking battle tested. Do you understand me? Whether it's the psycho or the saco, the saparito, or the new conference. petition ghee let me tell you something you cannot go wrong they got a fucking purple guy that's 96 dollars or something it's fucking tremendous but listen go to fuji sports

com right now and press in church bam but i'm gonna give you 10 off right off the top deliver to your fucking house who's better than your uncle joey go to fuji sports dot com right In church? There you go. Number two, if you're working out, you need a good supplement, right or wrong? Yeah. Go to on it.com. Why? They got out for brain. 100% money back guarantee. You got the new Mexican chocolate protein, which they switched around Mike Dolce fucking delicious. And you got the Shroom Tech Sport and the Shroom Tech Immune if you fly around and you don't want to wear a mask like a Japanese dude. So go to honor dot com right now and press in. Church. Boom. And get 10% off delivered right to your fucking house. All right. Happy Mother's Day. Kick you. this fucking Mulee. Oh shit. The church of what's happening now. The Mother's Day edition. I didn't forget about you, little cocksuckers.

You know, I love you. You guys are running shit. Kick it, Lee, kick, kick. I want to see the speakers fucking burn. Oh shit. You're what. You're fucking nuts. It's Monday morning.

Are you ready to fucking rock or what? There we go. Left on the border real. Grand. Are you nuts? It's Monday, you coxed out. It's like watching the outlaw, Josie Will, listening to this. Out of respect for Mother's Day, I got my wife on, who's, I don't have a mother. My mother punched the ticket 39 years ago, so I'm motherless, so I brought the best mother I know that I could bring on the podcast, which is my wife, Terry Clark, and the Christ Killer himself, the original lease I had.

You haven't heard that nickname yet? Oh, no. Christ Kill Enterprises, LLC. That's the name of his company. You have to tell me started right. Oh, my God. That's lovely. Happy Mother's Day to you, Terry.

Thank you. The other night, I went out Friday night, and I took the baby out to shop, you know, and we went to dinner at her favorite Boston market. Why, I'd go there. I don't know. It's a Mexican-teachies restaurant. Yeah, it's a favorite mac and cheese restaurant. And I took her on a date, we went there, we went to CVS.

And we went to Marshals, which was a fucking mistake because there's just too much. There's too many things that, you know, daddy you have to stop by the toys. You got to stop by the vases. They were looking for earrings. There was no fucking earrings that we got to the checkout lane. Then we were the ugliest fucking earrings in the world. Which I have on. You did.

You did put them on. Which you can't see. Talking to the mic, please. You're killing me. I'm going to beat you in the head with this mic. So what happened was we were talking. We were talking about moms and this and whatever. And she was just saying how much she loved you and stuff.

And I explained how she didn't understand how much she meant to us. You know, like how it changed your life and your mommy. And how did it change your life? Good grief. You went from an office chick, fucking dedicated. Not even. We weren't even. thinking of a child.

Well, you know, you don't think that, I mean, you know that your life's going to change, but you don't know that your life's going to end as you know it. I'm like, you always think that, oh, well, once you get to a certain age, you'll pick back up, and I'll be me again. That certain age is like 18 or after, because I was ill-prepared for, to the extent that my life was going to be different. We did not have any idea of a child coming. Like we didn't even talk.

Oh, no. I was actually telling somebody at the park today because he was like, oh, yeah, I'm 60-something, and my wife was 40-something, and we did all the in vitro. And I was like, yeah, well, we didn't. She just showed up out of nowhere 12 years into our relationship, you know. So we were not looking for it and not ready for it in any way, I don't think. Not that I think that you could be ready for it, but I just, it threw me for such an emotional loop that I actually felt like a bad mom for most of her life. I think I've felt inadequate.

And not from talking to several other mothers, I think that's just how you feel as a mom. You just feel inadequate. What the fuck you think I feel like? I went to prison and I'm walking around hand in hand with this beautiful little girl. And I'm thinking people look at me like I stole it from somebody. But everyone's looking at you like you're supposed to know what you're doing. And you've got to put on this front like I know what I'm doing.

And I don't know what I'm doing. I knew that you knew what you were doing. I'm glad you thought that. When the stuff started with the cats in the backyard, I seen the suffering that you went through with those cats. Those are cats. These are kids. No, no, no, no, no, no.

But you could see the nurturing. You could see how they took to you, how you would feed them. And, you know, we saved. I don't know how many fucking cats back there. Well, we, I don't even know what I'm saying. We and you got a couple people who adopt the cats. And I was watching you one day. And again, when I married you in 2009, I didn't even have an inclination of children.

Like, that wasn't even like a fucking thought. Oh, I had given up. No, it wasn't even that I'd give it up. I had. I just did not think that it was possible, that I didn't think it was impossible. I wasn't even going to ask why or the house or I thought maybe I was sick, maybe the marijuana, maybe the drugs, maybe something that. killed the cell reproduction, whatever. So you came in, you told me, you know, it took me a couple weeks to have my nervous breakdown.

I had a couple nervous breakdowns. I don't, I don't ever want to go through pregnancy again. Well, now we get it. Because he's a nightmare. Now I get it. Now I, you know, remember, I was coming with that. Oh, my God. I was coming with that confusion from the pain from Jackie.

So you also have to remember what my head was at. Oh, God. That I realized years later where that confusion came from because of me having a child and losing my bond with her. So for that reason, I didn't think I was prepared for mercy. So I was walking around for nine months thinking. You're much calmer now than you had been. This is the most calm you've been since you found out.

Definitely. I think now you... Well, I've grown into it. You grow into the position. Well, and I think she's at an age where you feel confident enough that she can kind of fend for her self a little bit. Not like, yes, she's going to go out and get a job, but it's... Don't fucking ask me. But she's, you know, capable of speaking up if she doesn't feel good or, you know, before, I think you just felt helpless. And you have to realize that you're not alone feeling helpless. No, no, no.

I felt as helpless as you did. It's always been a matter of insecurity with me, whether it's been stand-up, fatherhood, basketball. I'll look at this bracket. Okay, Lee will say to me, you know what, I think we should get two milk crates and put them on the wall. And I'll look at Lee for about a week. I'll just look at me. I'll look at the fucking wall. I'll look at Lee, I'll look at the wall, and I'll ask around.

I'll ask carpenters, like, how much do you charge to put two things up? And then I'll start getting quotes, and then one day I'll just get pissed. I'll smoke a joint, I'll come in here, and I'll fucking do it myself, and I'll do a way better job. Why? Because for three or four weeks or a month or six months, I'm always insecure that I can't do the task in front of me. I get that. Think about having that on a nightly basis. when you're going to do stand now. But I think everybody goes through that. I don't think you're alone in that.

I think that you thinking you're alone in that is the only thing that's different. No, not that I'm alone in that feeling. It magnifies me. We were talking about Lee before. We felt through his psychology that he was depressed before, before me and him before you got here. Through your what? We were doing a bong hit and we was laughing his ass off.

We were fucking like, and I stopped and I go, tell me that you're depressed, you know. And I go, Lee, you're not depressed. You just go into the apartment and you let your thoughts get in the way. When you smoke some pot and you block those thoughts and you disappear for three hours, you're fine. You're giggling, you're the man from outer space.

You're over there making Jew noises and fucking nodding and whatever. You know, we all have a strong sense. That's my strong sense. Fucking fatherhood, I failed. Why would I, try to be a father again if I fail the first time. So that's why I couldn't adjust the first fucking...

I think that with me and motherhood, it was... This is something I've always wanted to do. So I should be really good at it because I've always wanted this. This is what I... You know, women are built for mothers. And I should be a great mom, you know, because I did with this of the cats and this... Yeah.

I've never felt so inadequate in my whole life. It was like all eyes on me and I am dropping the ball No, when you look at her now and she's talking and she's reading the fucking alphabet and she's counting with her fingers Those moments I feel twice to do something No, no no no those I see the work you put in those moments I feel like a success Yeah, but when we're at the YMCA and we're supposed to be going into swim class and her bathing suit is twisted and she doesn't want me to help her with her bathing suit. And I try to help her anyway because we're late for class. And then she starts screaming. And she goes, it twisted, mommy. And I'm like, I'll help you.

I don't want any help. It's twisted. And I go, well, it's untwisted. No, I want it twisted. And I'm like, oh, my God, she's a demon. What is wrong with her? And I was like, mercy with class. And she loses her mind in the middle of the dressing room at the YMCA. And you can't calm her down. And you're like, all right, well, we'll just go home. If you don't want to go to class, we'll go home. No, I don't want to go home. Well, then let's go to class. I don't want to go to class.

I don't know what the right answer is. And you're losing, that's when you feel like I have to be an utter failure because everyone's turned around looking at me. And I can't calm this kid down. Oh, my God. I can't calm this kid down. And I don't know what to say. And every time you say something, it makes it worse.

And you're like, I'm a, I. I'm either too emotional to get this done correctly or something. That's not how I see it because. Let me tell you something. I was a burglar guys. Before I became a comic, I was a burglar. Sit for five minutes and think about opening somebody's window and jumping through the fucking window and looking through this shit

and think about it. Imagine what your heart feels like. Imagine what your heart feels like. Putting a gun to somebody and telling them. to lay the fuck down and to be an animal and all that behavior. All those feelings and emotions do not compare

to the one mistake one day I made with her. She was about six months old, maybe eight months old. And I decided to beat Johnny on the spot and I took her to the park. And on the way back, she threw a fit into the fire department. She fucking had a nervous breakdown

in front of the fire department that the guys came out and was staring at me. I thought they were going to take the kid from me. You know what I'm thinking like right now these people are thinking this is not my kid They're thinking number one this guy is straight up out of the fucking sopranos He's selling this fucking kid Like my heart fucking sunk and mercy would not stop crying And I didn't know what the fuck to do and she was in the stroller and it was just

And so of course his first instinct is to call me and scream at me as if it's my fault She's screaming on the side of the street because I can't That day, trust me, I didn't fucking pick up a phone or call nobody. I kept walking when that light turned red. I tried to do everything I can to just run across the street before they asked me for paperwork. I mean, I was just petrified. When you got home, you were so, you seemed angry.

But I'm sure it wasn't anger, but it seemed angry. Because you felt. Fucking out of place, confused, scared. impotent. No, I wasn't impotent. That was fucking... That's not what it means. Helpless. Helpless. Helpless. I felt completely fucking... No, no, no, no. But helpless. And that I had no fucking idea. Stupid. You feel helpless and stupid.

Doing what I was doing. Oh, my God. Well, for like, I'm 29. So for me, it seems so like almost like another world where I would have a kid. And I see people my age having kids. I see other people like you guys. I remember when Joey told me that you were having mercy, but it's it's kind of scary, but it's also like proves what life actually is.

Like I figured when I'm 40 in my 40s, like I'll be like, okay, by then I'd know what to do with a kid, but it's like until you have a kid, you just don't know. Oh, you don't know. You don't know. And I had news for you. When you have the kid, you still don't know. You still don't know.

And the best is they just leave you in the room with the kid. That was, Joey went home, the girls who helped me in the delivery room went home. But then all the medical staff left. And I'm just there in a room with a newborn. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. And then Duncan comes in with a camera. I'm like, oh, my God. And oh, God, what is going on?

It's some surreal, strange planet I'm on. And then nobody shows back up, by the way. I'm in there overnight with a newborn in my room, and I don't know what I'm doing. And no one's like coaching me through or, you know, it's, you know, it's great. It's like, please, this cannot be the rest of my life. This cannot be the rest of my life because I don't know what I'm doing. It's at those moments in that hotel, in that hospital room. And that shitty bed was where it all began, where the boy.

And the lawn began. Like, it was two people not knowing what the fuck to do. I heard somebody, the other day, weren't we sitting with a parent who said that their child remembers coming out of the canal? Remember that they, and let me tell you something. Is it real? Up to the age of six, I remember coming out of my mom's little fucking pussy. Like, I thought I did.

I fucking really thought I did. You think all this shit when you're a kid. I still remember being in there, like sweating. I don't fucking know. I don't know. But when she said that, I thought about it days later. I'm like, wait a second. That's not too crazy because I thought the same thing to a certain age.

Then I stopped telling people that. But I remember coming out of the fucking placebo, whatever the fuck it is. Are you talking about? I know. I don't know what I'm talking about. Well, I mean, even just to go a little bit back, like, I remember because I don't know, I don't know exactly how long you were pregnant, but it was going on longer than you were supposed to be. I was, I was.

Like that must be scared too, just being pregnant for the first time. Like, is she ever going to come out? Well, at 44, 43. I was 43. I went on line one night high. And I just wanted to learn what my wife was going through. And that was possibly the worst mistake. Oh, God.

I ever made in my life. That set my anxiety, my blood pressure up. What, they were like every pregnancy is going to fail or something? Yeah, it was just one article to the other, to another science doctor, to another science doctor, that the chances of mixed ethnic, ethnicity. I mean, it was just, they took me into this fucking, that's why I don't read about that much off shit on the internet. I just don't, because it took me down a foxhole that it took me two years to get over. No, he was terrible.

Took me two years to get over. And they keep doing that to you anyway. You know, my mother died, guys. You're coming into this with baggage. You already lost a kid and your mother died. And it's telling you, the internet's telling you, that a wife of 40,000. has a certain percentage of not fucking making it. So what do you think I'm doing?

I'm surprised I didn't do fucking Coke. I'm proud. I didn't snap and do Coke and fucking go crazy on alcohol. I'm really happy because the old me would have snapped like a fucking twig. That's really funny. He was like, he was terribly like, I think I did a pretty good job. I think I did because I was a fucking wreck. I was a wreck inside.

A wreck, a wreck. It nearly killed us. Thinking that something bad was going to happen on the office. Operation table, you know, just things went. I read stuff on that internet that were fucking just so vivid. Yeah. Vivid. Like the words were so strong.

That I said, I left it alone, and then it ate at me like a weed. And every time I looked at you, I felt guilty for getting you pregnant. So that was another fucking foxhole I had gone into. So I had all these emotions going on as a man that, fuck. I'm surprised I didn't go to a fucking bar and start doubling Southern Conference and Army's Juice. That's what I would usually start with. I would have preferred that. Yeah.

As opposed to picking a fight in the middle of Portos at the line. And you know Porto's line. It's like 50 deep. And he's like picking a fight. I'm like, oh my God, I'm a seven-month pregnant woman. You're fighting with me. I'm in tears. I'm in tears in the line.

I'm like oh my god this is awful he says I should just leave I should just leave until the pregnancy is over with and I'm like that's all I want yes you should you should that's what I wanted it was terrible I couldn't fucking stand it I'm surprised I didn't go down when the baby was born I really am I'm telling you guys I hid behind the curtain he was at the door and I was thumbs up I watched from a distance because on the time I get overwhelmed it was overwhelming anyway because the stuff that they do to you while you're in the hospital, he was like, what are they doing to her? Like the Q-tip?

There's a Q-tip that's this long. I don't need to know where that. Oh, yeah. And it just goes all the way. And he was like, oh, my God. Where is that? Keep tip going. Oh, my God.

Oh, and it just disappeared. I'm not good with that stuff. And you're up, by the way. You're like four feet up in the air when it's happening. And he's like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And the way my water broke, which was fantastic, the hospital bed that they have you on, the delivery room thing, there's a cushion on the top end and a cushion on the bottom in. And they're supposed to connect and stay together.

Okay. Mine would not stay together. So the bottom kept flying forward. So I had been in there for like 24 hours already induced because I was already over a week late. She wasn't coming. I'd carpal tunnel so bad. I couldn't hardly grip anything. But my cushions flew out from underneath me.

So they were trying to get it back underneath me. So I had the bar behind my head. They couldn't get it up. So I said, whatever. And I just grabbed the bar and pulled myself up like this. and as I did, my water's broke. And I was like, uh, my water just broke. They're like, are you sure you didn't just pee?

Yeah, I'm sure. I'm absolutely sure. No one has ever peed that much in their entire life. Now, are you comfortable now from what I see? You've grown into your role, like, just tremendously. Like, I'm more comfortable now, but I'm more comfortable with just, uh, my whole, life in general right now, not just the motherhood. Because again, at the time, I had had a vision of myself in my head of how I saw myself and what kind of person I was. And I worked at the Phil,

the L.A. Philharmonic in their finance department. And that's who I, that was a big part of who I was. It was. It was a huge part of who I was. And I, I was. And I, I, I was. And I, I, I, I was. And I, I was very proud of that. And I was really reluctant to let that go. Because it was such a big part of me. I remember how hard you worked for that job. And when you got it, how quick you moved up. It was pretty amazing to watch.

And I was getting better. You know, I was just growing in the position. And so I was thrown for a loop professionally when I got pregnant. And I wanted so very badly to continue to have it. And I was pissed when I came to the realization that I was going to have to let go and hurt that I was going to have to let it go. And it took a long time to come to terms with that. I've come to terms with that over the last year and a half. So it's been easier to deal with being someone who,

stays at home. Because one, I have what I do for you in our business. So it's been more fulfilling over the last couple of years. So that's helped. But I'm really lucky that I, at the time you don't see that you're lucky. You feel like you're losing. And I was. You're losing a lot of yourself. And people go, oh, you're so lucky. Oh, you're so lucky. Oh, you're so lucky. Oh, you're so lucky. And you're like, fuck you. I am not lucky. I've, I saw myself as this and I liked it. And that got taken away from me. And you feel like a bad person for feeling that way. You feel like a bad mom. And it's like, I, like I don't have the right to feel upset that I had to give up part of myself and people just keep looking at you like oh you don't know how lucky you are oh you should be so

happy oh you should mind your business that's why for me the house is happy you know i didn't grow up in no fucking brady bunch which is what i always wanted and uh the house is happy the house is clean the child is healthy the husband's happy you fulfilled you know, I mean, we work great together as a team. And she's just a beautiful little girl. She's just a mirror of you that I look at and I go, holy shit. Like, I freak out every day. You guys think I'm comfortable with my skin.

I'm not comfortable at all, but I've learned how to adjust now. I'm her father. She's my daughter. It is what it is. That's it. Do you ever, do you remember, I'm not sure, everybody has those memories of their childhood where you had a really bad moment with your parents, you know? Right, yeah.

Like, oh, God, they're the worst parents in the world. They did this. Every time, like you're in the middle of a parenting decision you're not 100% certain of, you have that fear that this is one of those times that she's going to remember when she's 26 that's going to say remember when you were a bad parent you're like the whole time you're going oh god is this one of those moments is this one of those bad times am i doing it right now well how crazy is it just like it it blew my mind at her last birthday party just hearing them her little hit and them her call you mom and dad i'm like wait like when i think of mom and dad i think

my mom and dad. I'm like, wait, I've known them for years, but to her, they're mom and dad. It must just be weird like having that title. It is weird sometimes to look at her. You take so much for granted and then you'll catch yourself

like how small her arms are. And you look at her and you're like, she's such a big kid, but not really. I guess in a group of kids, she's like, a larger kid, but her little arms are so tiny

and her hands are still so tiny. Even though I look at her and she's like, that's mama's big girl. Yeah, she's not really, she's still really small. No, she's still half a baby. Her feet on the other hand are enormous. She's still half a baby inside. She's not, she's a sweetheart of a child. She sees the world in a beautiful fucking way.

And I know I didn't see the fucking world at that age. I told her yesterday I'm a walk. I go, you're way ahead of me when I was five. And she goes, I know. You know, she's way ahead of where I was psychologically. You know, I had a loss at that age already. I was waiting for the door to open and my father come home.

So she's fucking way ahead of me. You know, it just reflects. It reflects on the work that we put. But, you know, like I tell you guys, I could go on the road. I could do a thousand things. But I'd much rather be a husband and a father two weeks of the month. I'd rather be out of the road six days and be home 25. Like right now, I do TV from time to time.

I don't like it when I do it on the days when I'm missing swimming or something. I don't like it. You know, this week, I'm going to Providence. I'll miss swimming. on Thursday. I think it's beginning to affect her more now that she's older and she's kind of being more aware of his absences when he is absent and she's taking it more personally than she used to take it. And that's troubling.

Like I said, I could sacrifice six days. She understands six days. In comparison to five days on a fucking set, 12 hours a day, me coming at 9 o'clock and not having the energy to play with her. I'm telling you what the breakdown is. This is the best breakdown. I love to sell a TV show and be on a TV show at this part of my life. But at the same time, I don't want to be an absentee parent over the paper.

You really have to pick your battles. You have to pick your battles. And for me, I was raised without a father. and now today because of the drugs and the prison and all the shit I did I realize how important that gap was and I see it when I'm with her and she holds my hand when I sit down and watch TV with her it's not that I have to take her to Disneyland she's never even been to fucking Disneyland and she's five years old I'm ashamed of myself but she gets classic we might have to bite that bullets we're biting the bullet for what we'll bite the bullet for graduation but it's the little things it's to watching TV it's

the coloring with her at night, one hour, I've become a great fucking color. He's actually really talented with the crayons. I was really surprised. I fucking love it. I fucking love it. It's a therapy for me. Does he make you put it up on the refrigerator too with her? When we do our colors, coloring with her, the ones we do, she keeps.

Those are for her and the ones that she colors, we keep. Oh, okay. Yeah, no. We're not. We're not, we're not vain in our coloring like that. Between seven and eight at night, I'm usually coloring.

And I get on the floor, she goes and gets my glasses. He was really good. He did some shading. I shaded it. And then I signed it LeCocco to piss her off. She fucking fumes. What does she want you to say,

Dad? No, Daddy. Then she wrote her fucking name yesterday. Something. Oh, yeah. She's got a new way of writing her name. Yeah, something craziness.

Like some tag. looking thing. I'm like, what is this? Yeah, it's crazy. So she gets pissed off when I have signed the artist's name Loco. She's like doing some sort of graffiti style name signing now. You know, I thought for years, I spoke to somebody years ago. I lived,

I think, in Boulder. The chef's wife came to me when they were just in conversation. This was when I first discovered Gentiles, like these crazy fucking people. Boulder was the home. That's the first place I ever saw

that brand person and this girl did coloring therapy like I was like what are you talking about and she goes like going on people from war incidents and shit

because they had a big Vietnam community in Boulder and she goes we color and it calms them down and I thought this lady had been drinking too much tea I'm gonna fucking mind no it moves your brain

from thinking from one side of your head to the other side of your head I've fucking been doing it now and I do it for that one 45-minute stretch, and I think of material, we really don't talk much, except for every like two minutes, she goes, look, Dad, what do you think?

Show me yours, Dad. I like your Shelf, Dad. I like that colored, Dad. You know, should you just say something, but pretty much I watch her focus, and I go into a zone. And I think of material, I think of my day, this is such thing as coloring therapy.

I'm telling you, you know why? Because I see it now. I love it. What she tells me to go draw with her. I go back there, I sit for an hour. I lay on the floor with pillows. I plug my phone in.

I don't even give a fuck. You can call me for on purple. You can't give you permission to do nothing for a little bit. A little bit. And just look at colors and shit. And I can't see the colors without my glasses. There's 96 fucking colors in there. You see her running through the house going into his office.

And I go, Daddy, need his glasses. Yeah, you know why, Mommy? I go, because he can't see without him. That's right, Mommy. Good job. I can't. They're all fucking purple to me. I don't know what the fuck's going on.

don't give a fun. Where's Tony Bennett, Lee? Tony Bennett. Oh, Tony Bennett. It's Mother's Day. Monday, babies. To pick up the pieces. It's the 14th, I think, right?

When somebody breaks your heart. Yeah, it's the 14th already. You're sitting there on your ass thinking about your future. Some, somebody twice as smart as I. You're a gigging. Nipken up. A somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. Let me get my glasses here.

I had to get new fucking glasses to get. I had to go to CBS all week. I got on a plane. I got to put my glasses on. They're fucking broken. My heart was on a fucking plane. I got to sit there for five hours with no glasses. Thank God I got 19 pairs spread out around my left.

I got one in the one compartment, one in the top. I had a backup. I always have a backup for the backup. Plus, I got the prescription, when you got me from the fill, when you had insurance over there. Those are the worst fucking glasses ever. Like, the hinges are fucking loose.

So how come you only have one in the carry-on? I have two of the carry-on. Oh, okay, thank you. I always got a little pale, old man glasses just in case I don't get fucking stuck on the plane. You got to think ahead, you know what I'm saying? I know these things fucking break, and then you're doomed.

So I got glasses just to hold me over. So when we went out on a date the end, I included CBS because A, we had to get a card. And B, I had to get new fucking glasses. I'm always one step ahead of the game. Anyway, how about a shout out for Tammy Hernandez, my man Leon, Bob Lalingis, Dominic Warren, Estender, 1971, Allen's 313, Mike Zewiki. I don't know what the fuck, this is, Scounjo, Descrubb, and Ian Williams.

You're so goofy. That's what we're supposed to be, goofy. This is an hour-wilder imagination. People put you on just to go away for a little fucking while. You know what I'm saying? It's not supposed to be heavy-hearted. I know anywhere a little bit of ways from Father's Day, but you said he's changed, how has Joey changed to you?

Like, how does Mercy see Joey, do you think? Oh, no. She wants nothing to do with me when it, uh, when her dad. around. She's daddy's girl. She, uh, especially if he just comes in off the road, it's like, she will come up after swim class or something. She's like, mommy, me, uh, we're going to go get pizza. Just me and daddy. Not you. Oh, no. I'm like, okay. And that started maybe, what, six months ago? Yeah. Yeah. Just me and daddy. Not you. Okay. that doesn't make you feel bad at all.

It makes me feel bad. She says it and I always try. You try really hard not to get your feelings hurt because it is a five-year-old and she's not trying to actually hurt your feelings. But it is a little hurtful. I'm not going to lie to you. But she, there's no one like your dad. I'm a daddy's girl. And it's not that I don't love my mom.

I have the best mom It's that I don't know You just girls I mean I would say my sister's much closer to my mom And I'm much closer to my dad So I get it

I get how she feels Towards him I was thinking the other day That we need to have another one So I could have a kid Of my you know Someone who loves me The most

See it's See we're giggling But that's incorrect Let me tell you some I wish someone loved me the most. It's like when I used to go to Nashville or West Virginia in 2009, 97. I wasn't a good enough comic. What is the point I'm trying to make?

I wasn't a good enough comic. The Southern Belt would, I'd go up on stage and they'd laugh for about 12 minutes. And then they'd realize, wait a second. were Christians. And the bomb. And I saw that when Doug Stanhope did Nashville in like 98. He was killing him for 12 minutes and they realized they were Christians. Nashville was not cool in 98.

Neither was Atlanta. Forget about West Virginia. They would find your $50 if you said, fuck at an open micah that they had. My point is... He has no idea? No idea. She is cool until she remembers mommy. Do you follow me?

Like the other night, if I would have said to her, let's go to Toys R Us after Marshals, she would have said now. She was all ready for you at Marshall's. And Marshalls, when she bought the earrings and the thing, she was done. I couldn't talk her to take a plane. I couldn't talk her into going and stop and fuck.

fucking nowhere. She wanted nothing, and that's what happens. When she's at the frozen yoga place with me or at a park, it's real easy. She'll come up to me and go, let's go home and see Mommy. There you go. There you go. Just a little something, a little rabbiata fart, you know what I'm saying?

It's Mother's Day. It's like, you already have the second kid who likes you a lot. No. You would think I was more prepared for children. after being with him for so long. I think it would be good for like the teenage years, like 13. I feel like that's one that might be where Joey is. Think about it.

I'm going to be 63 when she's 13. I'll be farting up a storm when her friends are over and shit. Oh, that's going to be hysteria. When you embarrass her. She'll be fucking dying. She'll be dying, dog. I'm exasperated right now. Yeah, yeah.

She'll love you when, when she'll, She's like 13, 15. Why does she? Oh, no. She's already mortified with this. She doesn't want us to dance or to sing. I can't even, when he's going out somewhere and his pants are falling down, I can't even, he had no shirt on this afternoon.

When we came home from the zoo, we got out on the front porch. His hair was all jacked up. He had no shirt on. He's scratching his ball sack on the front porch. And she's like, look, Daddy's got no shirt on. He's naked. I was like, oh, my God. God. Yeah, fantastic. This is going to be a great, great, great time.

Well, I just, you know, I remember a waitress from the store that gave me cigarettes and $36 to go to New York one morning. I don't think I gave you anything. I think someone stole my cigarettes. And it's funny how it was until years later, I was like she would be a good mom. I saw how you reacted to the cats and whatnot. And I got to tell you, after the first five years, you got an A-plus in my book. Because that little girl is, she's turned out to be quite a little young lady.

You've done a great job. She does things that just surprise you. And in times you're like, I'm doing such a good job. I'm doing a good job. It's such a good job. And then, you know, she'll have a fit. But it is very rewarding and frightening.

And I'm absolutely terrified of the next 13 years in my life. I don't think I'm so ill prepared for what's coming up. And I'm tired. And I'm tired. I think that's the worst part is that I'm 40-some. Right now, I'm 48 years old. And I'm so tired. I cannot even imagine how tired I'm going to be in 10 years when she's 13.

And I need to be like all points, you know, all hands on deck, you know, focused. When she's 13, I'll be fucking 63. What do you think I'll be fucking? I'm hoping to be like Nick, the owner from fucking, uh, the, uh, the, The club in Cleveland, hilarities. Like, Nick is 77 or something like that. And he still works every night. He still wrestles with young kids because he goes to the gym.

He eats right. You know, it's just an age thing. Why do you think I do the things I do? I think go to Weight Watchers because I really want to put focus into this. I have to. I have to maintain my weight and do yoga. Otherwise, I'd be a disaster right now. You know?

She's giving us a lot of reason. I mean, every time I look at it, you know, I live in anxiety. Sometimes when I just look at her for a couple minutes, I can't even believe she's my child. I think it's like a fucking dream. So I just wanted to put you on the podcast and thank you personally. Thank you. Because I love you and stuff like that. You're a knucklehead.

And that's it. I got no dates. Whatever fucking Providence is sold out. You motherfuckers get ready for Uncle Joey. And the stress factory sold out. out. The only other date I got is May 26 at the Ice House. It's going to be a 35-minute set. We're going to have a couple fucking stranglers up with me that night. I'll give you a lineup to be determined, but you're not going to be fucking disappointed. I'm going over a 35-minute set

if you know what I'm saying. So get prepared details coming soon. What's up, Flying Jew? Everything all right? You got the Sycamore Tavern on Tuesday night? Yes, sir. Like a bad motherfucker at 8 o'clock. Depending on what time swim class and what we do, I may show up, I may not. It doesn't start until 8.30, so it'd be good.

Got Theo Vaughan, Christina P., Whitney coming so far, Steve Simone. You got a great fucking lineup down there at the old Acapulco. That used to be the old... Really? That was it? That was it. That was all you could eat.

How many times are you going there for once in the old days? That was a spot and shit. I didn't know that was a place. That was the old Acapulco with valet parking. And a buffet. And a buffet. They had the valley park. The sweet corn tamales on the buffet.

Oh, my God. That's the first place I ate when I moved to Hollywood. That night, that's where I went. That Acapulco, there was something about the name. I went in there and I got the all you can eat buffet. And in those days, they used to have a band. Oh, really? Like on Monday nights or something.

Like three, what do you call it? Three guys with the guitar. Mariachi? Mariachi. It was three guys. Speaking of Mariachi, I'm going to be with a Cori and Chad on Wednesday. day at the Ontario Improv. Oh shit. You're making the drive for the dirty show?

Oh, yeah. That's my dog. Look at you. Look at Lysayat guys. Fucking stalking these people. Getting fucking spots. It's fun. It's good. It's really exciting. So how long have you been doing comedy officially now? I think like five months, six months, something like that.

Because I started a year and a half ago with you at the Dark Horse, Black Horse, whatever. I always forget which one was called. But like full time since like, the middle of December, ish. You were just going up at the dark course. You had no intention.

You were just fucking around. I would think about it on the drive up. Get high and get going. And then, yeah, and now I'm actually working on. I did 16 last week.

16 sets. Yeah. So that was, I'm trying to get to 20. How many minutes you got? I could probably do 10 to 15. That's like the most. And it's not.

That's stretching. That sweating a little bit at the 11 minute mark. And it's not like I have like a set. It's like I have a couple jokes that I could do. Like I'm hosting at the Sycamore. So I have some stuff that I do. But like Joey's been giving me tips on hosting.

And I've hosted that, uh, the open mic the last couple weeks. I will tell you, Joey, you never really saw him do the open mic at the comedy store. No, no. Oh, my God. He, let me tell you, he is a phenomenal host. Oh, I can imagine. Oh, yeah. No, he's a phenomenal host.

I told you that. I worked on it really hardly because I realized by becoming a good host, you learn you're a quarterback. You're the quarterback of that show. Even if the headline is sucks, you could turn it around. And there's an old clip that you could find a D.L. Hugh Lee. It's got to be 93, 94 on what was the HBO one? Jesus Christ, Terry. It's right.

Deaf comedy jam. Yeah, yeah. There's an old clip of D.L. Hughley getting a standing ovation off an MC spot. I saw that with my own eyes. And I never forgot that. And I remembered how important it was, how he turned the fucking show around. Like, he destroyed that fucking room off the whole spot. Like, he made sure that nobody could fucking follow him after the whole spot.

He did it so brilliantly and unintentionally that my jaw drop. I saw Doug Stanhope killing Seattle. I saw a couple live performances that have baffled me. But that one on HBO that night, if you could ever find it, it's D.L. He'll be Circa, 1993, 92, Deaf Comedy Jam. He filled in for Martin Lawrence. And he just fucking leveled. when I saw that the guy from the dirty guy had hosted

a bunch of good comedians had been host at the comedy store like David Letterman hosted the guy that's dirty, full house. Oh, Bob Saggett. Bob Saggett hosted for a long time. It was really weird people who hosted at the store. And they divide, you get a certain talent from hosting at the store. It's every three minutes. That's crazy.

You've got to be quick with your... Quickly, quick. Quickly funny. And you've got to do it a lot. Oh, yeah, because I've just started doing it like the last few weeks. And I don't know. Like, the fear I have is I don't want to take too much of their time. No, you got to learn to sizzle the room in 18 seconds.

Okay. Yeah, exactly. I try to do like a really quick something. 18 seconds. And you can't sizzle them every time. Right, right. So you also moving it along. If the guy kills...

Why kill his kill? Keep the momentum going. Let the other guy deal with him. Okay. There's all these strategies from hosting that you learn. If this guy bombs... You've got to get their attention. You got to bring them back now.

You got to suck him in and get them. And once you got them, fuck with him now. Now fuck with them. Fuck it. Fuck the time. Take that minute. Fucking you got him. And then blam, bring the other comic up.

Hopefully this guy's stronger than you when he kills the room. don't say a fucking joke don't say nothing coming to the stage Nick Johnson boom and let Nick Johnson take the room if he dictates too but the first time one of them bombs or is extremely dirty

okay all right anything that like throws people off abortion somebody who's just trying to be a fucking jerk off right somebody who's trying to beat Joe jerk off and fuck up the attendance of the room the aborted baby Joe to kick the pregnant woman in the stomach,

that type of fucking off-color joke, a racist joke, something like that, go back up there and get the confidence back of the room. Don't shit on them, but now you've got to win that crowd back. So there's all these little secrets, but you don't do it until you're doing it. Right.

No, it's... You're not doing it until you're doing it. Like last night, we had someone come in with a boom box and a song they wrote, and you should have seen Irene's face. She's like, not at my mic. She got pissed. She goes, now, now you also have to learn who you could torture, okay, without torturing.

You've got to learn the gift of torturing without torturing. Oh, my God. And that's where your eyes come in, okay? So that's a complete different game that you'll feel. Like somebody goes in, eat some bag of dicks, and you know the audience is like, what the fuck am I watching? you have to punctuate that feeling. So keep it going for...

Radio Rahim. Keep it going. Yeah, you got to go up there and go like, keep it going for Terry Clark and then move your eyes like, what the fuck was that? And bam! And now you got them without saying a fucking word.

So there's mental torture in the host game and there's comedy torture in the host game. There's the gift of saying it without saying, okay? Right. You know, let's keep it going for what... You know what I'm saying? And just do it. signal anything without saying it.

Like adjusting your tie, like the danger of you like anything without saying it. So the hosting job, I had to be a host for four years maybe. Wow, how often would you host for four years? At the store. Once a week. Every Sunday. Every open mic night. 10 o'clock just close. And no,

first seven to a 10 and then I got graduated to 10. Wow. That's a lot. Yeah, it's a long. It was a long time. 25 bucks to walk up and down those stairs, 15 minutes. 15 times. I settled that. I got Dice's number, Eddie Griffin's number, Joe Rogan's number. I would call them and tell him, come down and do as much time as you want. I would let people wait online all fucking day and sign up.

And then I'd call everybody, Paul Mooney, and say, come on down. It's a free stage. Get there at 10. They get there at 5 after 10. I'd do 10 minutes in front of Mitzi. She'd give me spots for a week. I'd call Paul Mooney and go home. And I was also a doorman on Sunday night. You would do it from the first guy? Yeah. Oh, my God. I was going to be on your sign.

And I let him do 40 minutes. Like, fucking, that's it. I was done for the night. I was going to be on your scilly. Like, even me, like, I've been, like, sweating because you're running up there every three or five minutes. Why would I want to go on stage on a Sunday? Mitsy's not going to be in the room. Once Mincey leaves the room, what do I give a fuck?

I'm done. I'm done. I did my fucking job. I'm getting spots this week. I'm eating this week. That was my strategy. With other comics, like, be like, why are you putting up? What do you be like, oh, he just came down?

I'm sorry. Let me tell you something. You can't. This week, somebody asked me. They said, have you host? They said, that's right. They said, Ari's doing it this week. Really?

Ari's hosting tomorrow night. Oh, cool. So Ari's doing it. And they're like, now it's torture. Now I did it one time and it became something else. Now women take it personally, it was too much. And someone was crying. Today, that's still a girl.

I will not talk to me because of that night. Because I don't know who's, hot, who's not? What am I fucking Comedy Central? I know who the fuck is hot, who's not? There's a list, the names are on the list and I read him. And this girl worked at the store, so she was supposed to go.

I don't know. I don't know the fucking rules, so it's too complicated. I don't want to piss nobody off, so I moved on. Never again. I'm not banging out of down there on Sundays. Walk up and down those stairs 80 times. That's work, Jack. That's work. And you got to get them in between

sets and shit, that's work. Yeah, that's a, that's It was like four hours or something. Yeah, it's three hours. Oh, it was a long time. That's why I chose to do the path. I'd bring up one guy. I'd do my 10, boom, one guy, but then I see Barris and go come in.

It's all yours. Really? Yeah, it's all yours. Mitzie's gone. What do I give a fuck? It was in the room. But I learned how to control the room, which is I can't, you can't replace. Because it is important.

You always hear comics, sometimes they'll complain or say the crowd is great, but At a certain point, like if you can get them going, like I even see it open mics. If the first comic is a little weaker, sometimes everyone else has a hard time. But if someone goes up and has fun at the beginning and gives me the people something to riff off over, even just have a good set, like it'll be a better mic. Now, you got to remember, I came from the Denver school first, where it was three minutes every one Tuesday, every four weeks. Okay. One Tuesday every four fucking weeks. That's it?

Yeah. Jesus. Three minutes. A light at two minutes. And if you ran that fucking light, you got tortured. Then I went to Seattle, and I was the number one spot. And Seattle was five minute light, six minute to get off. Because of the contest that they have.

They want the local people to be ready with those six minutes. So the only spot that does 15 is number 19 on the list on Mondays. When I got to Seattle, I was number one on the Monday night. And a year later, I was closing the show on Monday night. So it would be me, Josh Wolf Brody, me, Josh Wolf Brody. You know, you go up the rotation. I would imagine, though, that hosting would give you a greater edge of following a variety of comics because you're used to having to control a room after people bomb, people do really well,

people who were really funny, people who are off color. You know, you get a taste of how to get a crowd back, no matter who came up in front of you. So it doesn't matter as much about who you're following. Because I know a lot of people get, like, oh, my God, I'm following so-and-so. Yeah, but if you are a host and you've been used to following all kinds of people, it wouldn't upset you as much. Okay, here's the secret to hosting. More than ever, more than ever, you have to be. make them fall in love with you.

And it's a weird thing to say because it takes a long time to develop that scale. Not that they like you. They love you. You got six minutes to let these people know that they love you. Not that they like you. Not that you're like anybody else. Even if Dice

is going up, even if Chris Rock is going up, you're going to control the room. That's fucking wild. That's what a host does, that he has him whether he's in the beginning of the show or at the 10 comic mark he still controls the game

it's like Joe Montana you're a quarterback so no matter what happens you always get them back so as a comic you have to find their center as quickly as fucking possible so will you test a joke out like that's kind of dirty a joke out

a stunt in the audience you pray for a guy with an orange shirt really Oh my God, yeah. Why? What did the iron shirt do? You do material.

Now you come up the second time, bang, the guy with the iron shirt. Now, blah, blah, blah, bop. Don't come into the stage. Then you go back up. And every two times you call him back up. You pray to God that he's good. Pray to God that he's good and he falls into your hands. And afterward he hugs you and he tells you it's the best night of his life.

We had one of those last, like we had a real person in the football last thing. It was funny. Okay. This is it. You have to make them fall in love with you. And then you are the quarterback. You see the field a lot bigger. For years, it didn't even matter where I would always open the Rogan shows. And Ari would follow me or Duncan.

It was well known. Joe took me on the road to be up there first. And I fucking honored that. I said, you know what, I got to get good at it. for him to bring me next time. And then it became to the point that I was already headlining and I'd still go out as an opener just to get the fucking, give me 14 minutes.

And I'll wreck your fucking room. I'll wreck your fucking room. I won't even use segways. I won't even use segways. You don't got time for them. I don't even have time for segways. In 14 minutes, I just bombard you. Understand it's like apocalypse now when they,

fucking when you see the Chinese people running and shit, and they drop them. The wrong country. Anyway, I want to thank my wife. Happy Mother's Day for coming on the show. I want to thank the Flying Jew, aka the Christk.a. Most importantly,

I want to thank you people for listening, and I want you people to appreciate your moms and shit. I don't have her moms, but if she was around today, I'd be rubbing her feet, giving her flowers, telling her to go fuck herself for fucking me up. and all that shit anyway listen you want to get in shape you want to look good everybody wants to fucking go to heaven but nobody wants to die all right you got to go to honor dot com right now why because they got the supplements to the fucking take you to the next level alpha brain

shroom tech immune 100% money back guarantee if you don't like it they don't want the product back who tells you that it was the last time you went and bought weed and the guy told you if you don't like it and bring it back you don't you have to give it to me i'll give you back the money that's a fucking industry standard right there so you got to believe people like that shroom tech shroom tech immune sure you like to fly look i fly every weekend boom i eat 10 22 of those shroom tech immunes i'm tip top fucking magoo you understand me why you drink water on the plane you don't drink scotch and get dehydrated anyway out of dot com right now go right there look at the great line of supplements take a chance columbus did you understand me

The protein is tremendous 16 grams of protein per scoop. Go to audit.com right now and press in church, bam, and get 10% off. Your first order delivered to your dog cock suckers, all right? Number two, you're going to put on a nice ghee. Listen, you want to look good, you want the ghee to be light, and you want it to be fucking durable. You work hard to get your money, right? This is the way to go, Fuji Sports.com right now. That's the only ghee I fucking wear, Fuji Sports.

The first time I put on a Fuji, I knew I was fucking home. They could tug on it, shrug on it, pull on it, fucking bulletproof those geese. You understand me? If somebody shoots me and I have my ghee on, I'm confident. That's how fucking much I love my Fuji ghee, whether it's the Silperito, the Secao, the basic one, whatever the fuck you do. They got shin guards. They got fucking Matt's Henzo Gracie. They got everything.

Go to Fujisports.com right now. I'm pressing. Church? Bam! Get 10% off. Right now, and that's it. Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there. I'll see you motherfuckers Thursday night and proud of it.

Stay black. Kick that meal, Lee. I appreciate it. When I was young, me and my mama had beef 17 years. Though back at the time, I never thought I see a face. Ain't a woman alive that can take my mama's place. She's spending from school. I was scared to go home.

I was a fool with the big boys breaking all the rules. Said tears with my baby sister. Over the years, we was poured another little key, the same drama when things went wrong, we blamed. Mama, I reminisce on the stress I caused. It was hell hugging on my mama from a jail cell. And who you think in elementary? Hey, I see the penituary one day running from the police. That's right.

Mama cats, we put a whoop into my backside. And even as a crack fiend, Mama, you always was a black queen. Mama, I finally understand for a woman, it ain't easy trying to raise a man. You always was committed. A poor single mother on welfare. Tell me how you did it. There's no way I can pay it back. But the plan is to show you that I understand.

You all appreciate it. Dear mama, dear mama, you want a money to sleep. Nobody tell us it was fair. No love for my daddy because the coward wasn't there. He passed away and I didn't cry because my anger wouldn't let me feel for a stranger. They say him wrong and I'm hardless. But all along I was looking for a father. He was gone. I hung around with the thugs and even though they sold drugs and showed a young brother love. I moved out and started really hanging. I needed money of my own so I started slanging. I ain't guilty because even though I sell rocks, It feels good putting money in your mailbox. I love paying rent in the rents, too. I hope you got the diamond necklace that I said to you. Because when I was slow, you was dead for me. It never left me alone because you cared for me.

And I can see you coming home after work late. You're in the kitchen trying to fix us a hot plate. You're just smoking with the straps she was given. And Mama made miracles. Every Thanksgiving. But now the road got rough. You're alone. You're trying to raise two.

Bad kids on your own and there's no way I can pay you back But my plan is to show you that I understand You all appreciate Oh my dear Don't you know that love this Meade There ain't no mama You all appreciate

Oh Don't you know we love I'll see liquor and I reminisce because through the drama I can always depend on my mama and when it seems that I'm hopeless you say the words that can get me back and focus when I was sick as a little kid to keep me happy there's no limit to the things you did and all my childhood memories I full of all the sweet things you did for me and even know I act crazy I gotta thank the Lord that you made man there are no words They can express how I feel You never kept a secret always stayed real and I appreciate how you raised me And all the extra love that you gave me I wish I could take the pain away if you can make it through the night there's a brighter day Everything will be your right if you hold on it's a struggle every day got a roll on

There's no way I can pay you back but my plan is to show you that I understand you all appreciate Don't you know we love is feeling? Dear Mama There ain't no one above his name. Oh my name. Don't you know we love is dreaming. Dear Mama. Leave it.

Evening it. I don't know.