The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #585 - Josh Wolf

Episode Date: May 16, 2018

Josh Wolf, comedian and host of the "Fairly Normal" and co host of the "Prinze and the Wolf" podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 05/14/2018.


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fucking around The church of what's happening now Cotsuckers One of my all-time favorite jam Josh Wolfe The Christ Killer Himself Leesayat A.K.A. Johnny Belinda

Drop it. Good as a guess, brother. Before the fucking podcast started, we were talking about Sinatra. Yeah. And how strong he was. And, like, you can't, through protocol, like, where he's from, where I'm from, you can't go up to a guy like that. And there's a great scene in that close range with Christopher Walker and Sean Penn.

Where Christopher Walken tells Sean Penn as his father, you can come with me a couple times. If you like it, you're in. and one day he's sitting with the whole family the whole five brothers and Sean Penn walks in with his girlfriend they're underage, they sit at the fucking table and the girl goes by the way he wants in

he wants to join you guys we're getting an apartment in the car and he wants to join you guys and they all broke into fucking laughter right in his face and they all got up and walked out of the room and Christopher Walkman said don't you ever fucking do something he told the girl to get the fuck out of out of room and he goes don't you ever talk to me like that that's the protocol i grew up with

right you can't approach a guy you know like people call you here and say shit to you and like facebook you that's not yeah yeah you can't go directly to somebody you have to have a way around or something so we're just talking about like sinatra's mentality at that at that point the thing i like about it was you're talking about when that you're talking about the tonight show thing The Tonight Show thing were Mickey Rickles, Don Rickles. Don Rickles. Just all the story. Remember, I grew up in North Bergen, which is the people from Hoboken who moved on up.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When the, I learned a lot about who I was when the Sinatra documentary came on HBO. Because it spoke about Sinatra, how he wasn't allowed above 9th Street. When he was a kid, the Irish would beat you the fuck up. They were oppressed by the Irish. So those Italians moved out, and it's really weird that I grew up with a weird mentality. Like, I think about my life, and I think about my mind and why I think like that.

When I watch that Tonight Show thing, I listen to Sinatra's voice, and it's everybody's voice. That's Hudson County. That's something about the Hudson County. Like, the people I grew up with, their parents all had Sinatra stories. Yeah, but the best part of that, Rickles coming out is that Rickles cut through all that. He just walked right up, you know. Oh, no. That's brilliant. Yeah. And then he delivered the goods. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Sinatra loved it. Love it. Well, Sinatra had a sense of humor. That's what I'm saying. My favorite part about him was that even though he was Frank Sinatra, you know, he let Rickles take the piss out of him. They all poked fun at him. They all poked fun of him. And he laughed because he had so much confidence in it that he was like, it doesn't matter what you.

You fucking say I'm Frank Sinatra. Well, when he calls him over and he goes, excuse us for his. Marco Machinago got two bullets to the head. Like, you can get shot for saying something like that to somebody in public. Like, he'd get shot. Like, why are you saying this to me? But Rickles didn't fucking. They didn't.

He didn't. We were talking about the Elvis documentary. And then how Sinatra ran in like that story about on sunset when he went to. into the restaurant. What? And he fucking, he was eating in a restaurant. And the bus boy was

Spanish and he dropped a tray of glasses and all the glasses broken. He owner berated the kid and fired him and said, Nacho went up to him and said, how much for each fucking glass? The guy's like, what are you talking about? He goes, how much for the glasses?

He goes, I don't know they're a dollar a piece. He gave him the money. He goes, next time I come here, that kid better work here. I'm going to tell all my friends not to fucking come here. Don't talk to a kid like that. Yeah, though, he was, you know. But listen, without him, there's no Sammy Davis Jr.

No, this is what I'm saying. Because nobody wanted to see a black entertainer like that. No, no, no, this is it. Yeah, you know what I mean? Sinatra said, fuck you. He's with me. And as soon as he said, he's with me, the whole country was like, all right,

we like that black guy. Yeah, yeah, that's it. That was, it was. Amazing. It was that simple that this country was all. Dog, I remember going to my friend's house and eating that one night, and the mother was, like, going on and on about,

I remember one time for $2. I was, we saw Sinatra, this guy, that guy, and my friend goes, and Jazzy Jeff in the fresh bunch, and she just froze. But those were the stories I grew up with and all the little personality traits. In 98, I read a script that was called the Jimmy Roselli story. My manager called him, and he goes, the casting people. Who was your manager? Who was who were you with back then?

Jeff. Jeff Gapman, he goes, I have a script for you to read. I sold you on the casting director. And what it was, it was the guy that did Drugstore Cowboy. It was his movie. And it was starring John Travolta. And they were looking for a comedian. And I read the script.

It was interesting because I had heard the story before. And the story was that there was a guy that was better than Sinatra. Sinatra will tell you. Sinatra will tell you that the guy was better than him. His name was Jimmy Roselli. And Jimmy Roselli was from Hoboken, New Jersey. And he was Sinatra. hired him to sing in his mother's birthday

and Roselli didn't show up. So it was a sign of disrespect. So Roselli told anybody who gives him work, I don't do work for him. Or Sinatra told people. Sinatra laid the fucking groundwork out and banned them. The fucking guy's record label, fire him, everything.

The guy would have to tape albums and sell him out of the trunk of his car. He was the original MCM. Come on. And the Italians would go, Jimmy, close the fucking trunk. You're embarrassing us. Come over here. We'll give you the $10.

You're going to sit there and sell fucking albums. So what he had to do is go on the road with comics. So he would open up for comics and sing a song. And then the comics would go up. So it was very vaudevillian. So when I read the script, you know, I read the script and it was down to two comics. Me and everybody goes, Molly. Molly.

Mike. You mean Billy Gardell? Billy Gardell. Yeah, yeah. They liked us so much that they said, fuck it. We're just going to hire both to you. that was the audition that I snorted Coke till 6.50

before. And I had to go in there when I got in the room. Travolta was in the room. Like it was real. Once you got to the audition, Travolta, the callback. Was this before or after

basketball? This was after basketball. This was when I was getting my shit together. It was about 2000, to be honest with you. I was getting my shit together, and I was going to acting class, and I got that script, and I had to go across from my

the Burger King on Western. That's a bad fucking neighbor. Yeah, I know where that is. There's a little office in there. That's all tip-top of goo. They gave you water like a white person. They bowed there at your parking. You didn't even know it was there.

And that's where the director from Drugstore Cowboy. Who is that? That's not Fincher, right? No. I forget what his name is. And Travolta were in the callback, bro. The cocaine high evaporated when I walked in,

like that residual feeling you get. Like you even drink orange. Gus Van Sant. Gus Van San. All the orange juice. Then he took an extra step and came and watched me at the store, Gus Van Zan. So they were in. They were in.

My manager goes, go to Florida. Have a great time. By the time you come back, you'll start shooting. First day in Florida, the phone rings. Travolta backed out to do the Scientology movie. Oh, the Battlestar Galactica? Bad move on his part. And the Jimmy Roselli story went fucking un-fucking heard.

Can I tell you something? It's kind of probably the way, you know, considering how his life went. I'm not surprised that's what happened to the movie. You know what I mean? Like, he was going to be big again, and then all of a sudden he's not. And now, where is he now? Who, Travolta? No, whatever.

Like, what happened to, I know he's probably dead, but what happened to Jimmy Roselli? He's probably dead. I mean, but what happened to his career? He did nothing? Nothing. I don't know what the whole story, how it ended up. I forget, to be honest. I forget how the script ended up and what happened to him.

Type in Jimmy Roselli. Dude, you know when the first time I met Billy Gardell, it was when I was running that room at the Union. Remember that room? It was right. That one of my favorite rooms ever because it was, I like small rooms. It was perfect. They get hot and they get loud. It was perfect.

I have still, to this day, I think I've told you this before, but I've never, the most I've ever seen anyone murder a room is Rogan in that room. Rogan did the best son of his life. In that room. Because it was so small. packed people. And Stanford got sitting there. Oh, a bunch. He talked about stepping on his mother's pussy.

It was a spider. That was also the first time I heard his joke, which is still one of my favorite jokes ever, which is, you know, I told my girlfriend, I wanted a titty fucker, and she said, how are you going to make that feel good for me? And I said, I'll tell you what, right when I'm about to come, I'll stop punching you in the face. That was a good thing. With the first time I met Billy Gardell was.

in that room, Rogan had was buddies with him and had brought him from the East Coast or I don't know if they're still buddies, but they were buddies. And Billy was wearing those Cab Callaway white and black dress shoes and he used to wear fucking everywhere. And Joe was like, can my, can my buddy get up? I'm like, yeah, whatever. But he was dressed like, you know, he always had a suit in that fucking, he was, Billy Gardell used to dress it up, you know, and those shoes were like like he. He looked like Biggie. Yeah. He would walk into a room looking like Biggie. Yeah, absolutely. I see him from time to time.

He's still a sweetheart. He's a great guy. I bumped into him where he has cars and shit. He's a sweetheart. And when you bump into him right in Burbank. Yeah. There's one coffee shop I always run into him here in the valley. That union man was that room was like a little bar room.

You know, the difference between like a little, when you do a one-nighter. Like the difference between those big stages. How long have you been doing stand-up? well the very first time I did it I was 15 right and then you know I did it once maybe again in high school and then I did a comedy competition the next time I got on stage in in San Antonio and the fourth time I was ever on stage I opened for Sam Kinnison so I was like oh this comedy shit is easy you know what I mean like I've been on stage four times and I'm opening for Kinnison because I've told you this story, right?

Yeah, yeah. So, but yeah, and then I took a lot of time off here in town, which I regret. In the time that I took off, if I'm being honest with you, when I was writing on shows, when I was writing on yes dear and writing on staff and when I was writing for a little bit on Chelsea, I didn't get on stage because my deal with Beth was I'm gone enough. I'm not going to be gone. If I wrote on a show, then I had to put stand up to the side. because I couldn't write during the day and go out there at night.

Do you know what I mean? I had to have a little life work balance. So I took a bunch of time off from stand-up, and I really now regret that. Because right now on the road, I'm like, oh, that's right. I finally, because about a year and a half ago, man, there was a huge switch. Huge switch for me.

I finally accepted what I do well. I always kind of knew what I do well, but I always fought against it a little bit. And about a year and a half ago, I finally accepted it and was like, this is just the comic you are, man. You can't try to be a different person anymore. And it changed the entire thing. My comedy was always okay in my brain. People always had a good time. But the last year and a half or so,

it's been a different beast because I'm truly just being myself and having a good time on stage. And it's changed, David. The issue of time, like time, time is so fucking stand-up-ish. Like, it's such a clichéist thing to say, but it's just like anything else. It's time.

Yeah? It's time. Like, when you think it, when you could do in comedy nine years, in the back of you head, you think you haven't figured out. Yeah. But it's not even close. And it's weird.

I was doing comedy about nine years, ten years, and I remember thinking, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I just knew that I thought I was on the right path or whatever I was doing. I was a regular at the store, and I saw Paul Rodriguez killing. And I walked into the main room, and he sucked me in. And I walked in, and Mitzie was sitting there thinking she was going to sit here. And I'm watching, I'm going, wow, this is magical shit. And she goes, you see what happens at 20 years?

And I remember thinking, fuck, I got to do this 10 more fucking years. What the fuck? It's 2001 or something. And you're telling me, I got to do this 10 more fucking years to get that good. And then I've ever been in the game about 16 years. And I wasn't really in love with it anymore. Like, I just didn't see a purpose for it anymore. The realities were setting in, in my mind.

The realities were setting in. I was out here. I had shot movies. I had done TV shows. And it just wasn't going my way. That's it. There was no excuse. I had given it everything I had.

About, like, 2006, I was really fucking sick. Like, I got blown, smoke up my ass, you know? And I bought it. It was what I wanted to hear. So the addiction got worse because things weren't happening. I thought the phone was going to ring off the hook. I did everything I was supposed to fucking do. And I said, fuck this.

I'm not going to wallow. I'm going to go to the improv every Thursday and not tell nothing to nobody. Walk in the side, watch the headline. And I did that for about 12 weeks. I just went down there. I didn't say nothing to nobody. I watched Greg Caraldo. I watched Ralphie.

I watched, I think it was Bill Burr. I watched just whoever was cracking at that time and I was like bro I am the father's thing from that like I really am the father's thing from that that I'm not the headliner at the 16 year mark I was like I'm at the 15 year mark

I was like I'm not an headliner it's just never gonna work this is just I remember going out after the longest yard and just eating dick like people coming to see me because of the movie and be just eating a bag of dicks and thinking fuck I've been doing this now for 14 years can I tell you

the people who first, when Chelsea first hit, and we were headlining clubs or going and doing theaters, the people who first saw me then, I apologize. I mean, I thought in that moment, yeah, this is, I'm, yeah, no, no, this is it. So weird. But I, it's, it's, it's a different,

listen, I learned a lot from watching you, dude, because what I learned, watching you is that at some point you just said fuck it this is who I am and I'm gonna ride or die with who I am with who I am how many people when you first got to town told you

to clean to do not to swear and how many people not to swear to sell your show on TV to make your image likable to make your image so they could write a TV show against about every everybody it was just something that was

but but you were disturbing Yeah. Listen, you know, when we first started, I remember your jokes were terrible. But when you got mad and you were you on stage, you ripped that place up. And I should, I mean, both of us, we were obviously young comics at the time. But we should have picked up to the fact, oh, when he's being himself, he's tearing this place down. But when we were writing jokes, it was dick. Dick.

Dick. That's the thing that you, right? So what I learned, you were just like, and so what happened to you doesn't happen to most people, hitting you after 50, right? After 20 years of, I remember going to Columbus the first time as Adler. And just dying, a slow death. This had to be when I first signed with Justin. First time Justin called me, I think we gave me Cobbs and something else just to see we liked each other how this thing worked. I think Portland Helium is when we had our.

first disagreement about something how deep into the podcast were you at that time maybe a year maybe a year and a half into the podcast once when I was doing beauty in the beast I was about a hundred people a show a hundred people showing up going hey we listen to beauty and the beast you know so that was the very beginning I still remember doing Cobbs and selling out with Felicia and going we're on to something. This is fucking crazy. But my stand-up wasn't. No. No, not at all. It was not ready at all.

But here's another thing that, so for me, again, watching you, I know, there are things that we're naturally good at, right? You are naturally gifted at commanding the stage, storytelling. charisma that allows you to say things that other people can't get away with. Yes? One of the things that has not always been your strength is to sit and write. But the fact that you make yourself do that, you've turned yourself into a writer. Like, it's amazing.

Writing jokes is not easy. And then the discipline to do it is also not easy. You give yourself, listen, we've been here. Yeah. Let's talk to particulars. you're in the major leagues. Last week something happened that was kind of weird. Okay, a fighter, one of my favorite fighters, I love with the death, came in seven pounds over.

Now, we don't know what the strategy is. Some people have a speculation. That's what she wanted. You know, you only lose 30% of your purse. You're not making any money anyway. That's a lot of percentage, though. That's a lot of percentage, but you get the guarantee. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And let the UFC tell you to go down. But at the end of the week. Seven pounds is a lot. Seven pounds is a lot. That means you weren't. It was a joke and, you know, blah, blah, and she's beautiful, and I love her Jiu-Jitsu's money. I watch her role in her fucking money.

I watch her against Gabby Garcia with no Gigi. Gabby Garcia is a girl that's bigger than me. Yeah. You have to see this woman. And McKenzie Dern-Rosa and shit in ADCC and all this shit. So I really like it. But the end of the day, at the end of the day, after all the jokes are told, let's be honest.

You're in the UFC. You came in seven pounds overweight in the big. biggest forum there is for fighting in the world. Now let's talk about stand-up in that sense. Right now, we're at the comedy store. Right now, we have the podcast. Right now, there's so many things going on. I cannot get away with what I was getting away with 10 years ago.

People will not come see me. If I just go up there high and try to improvise and be cute, he was good, but not good enough to come back and watch. I didn't see anything, you know. Each show, you try to be different. every week you try to write, you can't sell a $10,000 car wearing $10 shoes. Nope. That's it.

I always go back to that because at the end of the week we're fucking salesmen. You cannot sell a $10,000 car with $10 shoes on. How am I going to buy a car from you in a BMW when your shoes are unshined? I saw, I went to my agency out there. I saw a kid, his pants were so fucking high. If he was my agent, I'd smack him in the face. His pants were four inches over his fucking thing. That's how they're wearing.

I was ready to say, invite your pants down and have a party like that old stupid shit. You know, just certain things that I'm happy that a big agency didn't approach me 10 years ago. I'm fucking ecstatic that a big manager that approached me 10 years ago because I would have fucked it up. Joe, the reason, you know when I had those TV deals early on, if I'm honest with myself, I'm the reason they didn't go. Because I had everybody else they were giving TV deals to think about the people who were on the air. Roseanne, Tim Allen, Paul Reiser, Seinfeld, they had Drew Carey a huge pool of material for their character. They've been doing stand-up for a long time. They had a huge backbone, right, of what their writers could rely on.

I was given a show just because of my situation, not because of my comedy. You know what I'm saying? So the situation was interesting to the networks, but my con, there was not, I stand-up-wise, I wasn't close to ready. So when they were like, oh, let's take a look at the situation. Single guy, resin three kids in one room. Perfect. We love it. And then when they went to my comedy to help write the scripts, there wasn't any.

And it, they died. It died because I wasn't ready for what they were giving me. Do you know what I mean? And the same thing with stand up. Like right now, I feel like if you come to my show and you, and you're a fan of my you come to my show, you know what my shows are like, you're going to have a good fucking time. Look, man, you know, I made a decision about a year and a half, two years ago that one of the reasons I had not done it was because of the people in this town that I respect so much.

You know, how many times did you say, hey, go back on the road, hey, put down that little fucking banjo. And I'd be like, yeah, maybe I shouldn't. But at the end of the day, I start, I do 50 minutes of stand up, which is basically like three long stories. and then I end the show with three songs because I like it. And about a year and a half ago, I was like, fuck it. This is something I like to do.

And I don't attack jokes like you do. And that's what I mean. Like I had to accept who I was. I tried to, for so long, tried to attack jokes like you or Rogan or Burr because you were the guys that I respect. And you were the guys that make me laugh. And then I had to realize, that's not, I just, I'm a little sillier than that. You know what I mean?

And I just had to accept the fact like, that's just fucking who I am. That's the art. The art has no boundaries. The art just expect you to be funny. How you get there is your fucking journey. How you get there is how you hang that TV up on the wall? It's up to you.

I really don't give a fuck how you hang it up as long as you hang it up. You want to hang it with hangers and a Chinese wire? Go ahead. I'm telling you to use this fucking thing. If you want to use fucking hangers in a Chinese wire, then this is what you get. Yeah, but it took me because when you are in business with people that you respect and you admire, you can't help but want them to be like,

oh, I think he's funny too. And at some point I had to be like, fuck that. I'm not performing for them. You know what I mean? It'd be nice, but I'm not performing for them. You know what I learned early on. I saw people give up their thing for stand-up, and I didn't like it.

Give up their what? Who they are for the sake of the town. I figured it out this way. I did movies, I did TV shows, and I was an okay stand-up, but there was still something missing. I knew there was still something missing. I knew that, you know what? Yeah, I have success there.

That's where the strength comes from, is putting down the ego. What you just said is a beautiful thing about why the shows didn't get picked up. A lot of comics, 10 years ago, you weren't saying that. You were saying something completely different. 10 years ago, there was some people I was blaming. Yeah, you were blaming. You see this in your journey. You learn all these things in you.

Whatever journey you choose, whether it's a dentist, a lawyer, a doctor, a stand-up, they're all the fucking same journey. You're going to feel different about it when you did 20 years in, then 10 years and then five years in, than six months in. It's that you stuck with it, and that's how you really fucking learn. Like, now I know, like, listen, I'm 55, and I'm a fucking black belt in jujitsu. I'm in black belt and jitzen with black belt and stand up with a couple red stripes. And you got to add the life aspect to it.

Like I've seen prison. I've seen people getting stabbed. I've also seen a woman give birth twice, you know. I saw a guy raised three kids by himself with no mom. I saw some shitty shit, but I also saw some beautiful shit. My range to draw from, you want to get down, we can get down. I can talk about putting a bowel in some chick's pussy and blood came out in the bottle, and I fainted.

Or I could talk about fucking, you know. You ever heard that one yet, yeah. The stripper in Seattle, I put the fucking wine cooler in her monkey and I fucking tried to masturbate and it popped up fucking period.

And I fainted and shit, you know. You know, we can talk there's so much diversity to talk from. Yeah. Going to prison. You know, I never even got into you like when I got out of fucking prison. and I tried to go back to college and they wouldn't let me.

And I had to find, and then I had to take them to court to be allowed to go to night classes so I'd get my degree. And after I beat them, I took three credits and I go, you know what? I got a degree before.

Yeah. Like, I had all these fucking trials and tribulations because at 25, I had what I want. I had a wife, a kid, and a job. And I was going to school and I was making a little bit of money. And I know, if this is what life is,

shoot me now. Yeah? Like, shoot me now. This is it. Five days a week I work, Saturdays, I watch the kid, and Sunday I go to our parents and watch the Buffalo Bill game.

Shoot me now. And when I'm 65, I got a gold watch and happy retirement. Shoot me now. Shoot me now. I can't. Don't tell me this was what I fucking went

for all these years. I was snorting Coke. I was having a good time. I was breaking into people's houses. I was having a great time by myself. And now I'm sitting here watching TV with a woman telling me no no I couldn't do

it at 25 you know what you know what is somebody said to me recently that I had never thought of because I know how you grew up and they said that poor people have dreams rich people don't rich kids don't have dream what do they get everything you want because we were talking

about entertainment people and I go most mostly entertainment people I know grew up kind of on the lower end of the money scale the guy was like yeah because poor people have dreams and they don't let go with those dreams because they're always in their head at a young age dreaming of a way out dreaming of something better and that it man i'm the same fucking way right you're oh we're always that wouldn't never work for you because you always dreamt of something better of a different life i just dreamt them not sleeping on a couch yeah dude being able not to go to work i did not want any money like i just wanted enough money

that i could go outside and get a sold in the daytime in the paper maybe a salami sandwich from stands up at the corner. And I was good. Like, I was lazy. I didn't want to... Listen, I just needed existence. I still remember going to see a counselor before you leave prison.

And they go, you know, I don't know if you know this. You can file for Social Security. You're a felon. You're disabled. And that was like, so how much geese a week? And they're like, it's like $600 a month or something. They'll help you. They'll pay for an apartment for you.

and I was like I was almost in like if it was 1200 a month and rent free in the shit apartment that would have been my life Josh I ain't gonna lie nobody I love movies I love TV you know I love smoking pot if I could have figured out a way just this there was just a time in my life why I just wanted to be left alone a little shitty apartment like I in Boulder I paid 400 for a fucking one bedroom it was the little now that same thing as 1600 1800 that appointment. But the point being is I didn't need much. I was pretty, all I wanted to do, and if I could

snort Coke, three nights a week, oh! That even made it the better. I don't want to do nothing. But then I would go to subways, and I would go to different restaurants, and I would see those old dudes with the ponytail. Yeah.

With the shirt of Molly Hatchet, spring 83 tour, and the other kids are like Jacob's age, and they're telling them, so you really saw Led Zapp when he's like, yeah, man, I looked at that guy and I know, that's who I'm going to be and that can't happen either. Yeah? I never wanted to be the cool guy like that.

So I got to find the happy medium. And then I went after everything I thought, you know, oh my God, I could, I tried to get the best jobs with the felony, with a GED and no college education. Like, I was already getting interviews for places like that, for some pharmaceuticals started at $60,000. Like, I was getting, I was bullshit in my way in no. doors yeah like I was that good and bullshit my way in those doors but then that comic thing kept coming back like I would watch a movie and go I gotta figure out to do comedy but what was it about comedy in the movie that made me lose my mind the first movie I saw that I left there going was splash yeah but that

wasn't standard that was 84 still I didn't know what I didn't know what the route was I just wanted to be able to do what John Candy was doing I was like damn I got to figure out how to do what John Candy's doing and then that's 84 yeah and 87 I got locked up and right about that time a week before I got two weeks before I got I kidnapped that dude two weeks before that went down this is how life works I got into an argument with a guy named Grant a lot. I thought about how hard about this name. His name was Grant.

And he was a white dude, and he was fucking built. And in one of my cocaine, tirades, and the next morning, I went off on him about a customer. We went neck to neck. We were going to plunge the shit out of each other. A manager came out, broke us up. Were you working at the time? I was working at Bill Crout's Subaru.

And they said, listen, just stay at the opposite side of the stores for a couple weeks and don't talk to them. and you don't talk to them. We said everything we had to say to each other. We had said everything we had to say. We both called each other faggots and fuck you and you. Yeah, yeah. You punch me first and I'll punch you first.

So it was cool. We went to manager's meetings the following week. And you know, like a week later, I was standing on the opposite side of the store, and he came up to me. And he goes, hey, man, I know you don't like me. But he goes, you know what I did for the last 20 years? I was an entertainment in Las Vegas.

And I'm just looking at this, dude. What are you getting to? Like, what the fuck are you talking about? I was just thinking about going home and doing a line of coke or who I was going to fucking, you know, whatever that night. And he goes, you have a career in stand-up comedy. He goes, I've seen all of them. And I can tell that you're a stand-up comment.

And I go like, that's great. And I just went on with my business. And then when I got locked up and I started doing those shows on Thursday nights, I was like, Grant might have a point. Everything just pointed to. it the door was right there and then I came out and got a job and it was all forgotten about like one of them I think that's like to come with a Christian in jail when you

tell my you throw the book up in the air you know what I'm saying it was like that like in prison for a while I was writing jokes I there was no resources there was no internet right you know I didn't know about Judy Carter I didn't know about nothing I just was just writing on a notebook about black people you know love lizards and you know why white people. I didn't fucking know because I was in prison. So that was my whole shtick. Was white people, bikers, black people, and fucking the Italian fats cook. That's it. That was my material. So I had to work with. So once I got out of prison, I was like, I didn't know no stand-up. That was just a bike drink.

Do you remember? I remember my, the first joke I told on that comedy. And I was thinking about this because I ran over an old flyer of a show, me, you and bro. did in Seattle years ago, right? When I started thinking about what time was that, what jokes was I telling? And then I actually found an old notebook. And I remember the first joke I ever told on the Comedy Underground stage was this, was that I was poor. And so I had gone to the sperm bank to see about donating the sperm bank.

And I was surprised to know that you had to apply. And I was even more surprised to find out that they accepted. except less than 6% of their applicants. Six, it means it's statistically harder to get into the sperm bank than it is into Harvard Law School. And you know what that means? That means that there's a lot of picky fucking lesbians.

That was my first joke I ever told on that stage. And I remember thinking, that's the smartest joke I'll ever write. You know what I mean? You know that first one where you're like, oh, this is going to be the best joke ever. I'm expecting like a just booed

nothing dude you know what's really weird because I do it seems like every whenever you start because I had one like everyone has one with like a stat in it

and everyone has like something based on a song sure based on lyrics it's funny like because whenever I go up I'm like oh this person is new they're doing something based that oh I look this up

and there's 80% I'm like so there's a percentage point in it that means you're new I don't know what it is Because the stat tells you that they're trying to seem like they're smart comics. I'm going to do a little research on the interwebs

and find out that 8% like and it doesn't mean shit. But that underground, those open mics, some of my best memories in California. I told Lee that I still remember getting there on a Friday night.

And then that was the first thing I said to that crazy bitch. I go, show me this club you saw. Yeah. And we took the car ride and we walked around and i went there and i remember looking in the window it was a bar and i'm like like i was there like oh my god this is the comedy underground the fucking figure with the eating the building and shit i was like oh my god this is this is different i went right down there that night and you walked in and you're from boston like oh perfect the one guy from the east coast at least i got an ally and uh that was it it was like i remember starting first

Like the first couple open mics, you go from one, then maybe you move to number two, then you go to number four. And then by the end, I was number 15. I was just closing it out, and that fucking feels great. It really did, man. It really felt, like just the pecking order of, you know, I sit here now, like today I just announced it, the Netflix thing.

Listen, this is a blue collar mentality. Like, the way I did comedy was blue collar. I did a blue collar the whole way. I just went back to the basic rules. Just keep getting on stage. They're going to throw tomatoes at you, and eventually they won't throw a tomato. You know, you go on stage with the firemen's out without.

You know, they're throwing shit on you. And I knew I just, I didn't have nothing else to do. What the fuck was I going to do here in 2007? You think I was really just going to quit stand up and get a job selling cars? Like, that's what I was planning. No. in 2010 I went over to that

Ford store how fucking crazy is that in 2010 I went over there for three interviews got the job and they wanted me to go piss in the bottle

and I pulled the guy over and I go that's not going to work and he goes what are you talking about he'll smoke dope with three hands he goes

well you got to stop yeah I go that's not going to work let me get some shout out to you I want to get a shout out to Catherine Preet, Meg Tucson, Lou Ross X, Eric Sean, James Diaz, Jeff Slaughter, Paul Lynch, and patio

furniture, you badass bitch. I'm even rhyme, let me do it on this to get the party started. Yeah, you know, I was telling Lydia today how you go to an open mic and at first, you're number one on the list. Yeah. You take the bullet of death. You do that like three weeks in a row. And what saved us was that we had a mentor.

at the mics. Like that was big. Like that was big. But he cared, Joe. He cared. He cared. He, Carl genuinely cared. Not just about where he worked

and the comedy underground. Carl cared about comedy. He fucking loved comedy. So as goofy as he was, he wanted to make sure that was a good show. And if he didn't think you were doing something right, in his way he would tell you.

Bro, he had such an influence on me. Yeah. I think about it now, like the first person who influenced me was him. Like, he pulled me aside and said, do this joke here. You're insulting people, do this here. Yeah. And he did something to me when they. He made me follow Rick Docomit.

And I went up there, I don't know this fucking guy. And that's why it's better not to know who to feel. Like, I learned the big lesson that day. You don't need to know who anybody is. Just go up there and do your material. It doesn't matter who goes in front of you. that's how I became friends of Rick Dookeman because I followed him on an open mic

he was working on some HBO stuff like you know what I'm saying like I'm working out some HBO stuff and I didn't know who the fuck he was and I didn't give a fuck I just come home from fighting with Carol that dirty whore you know what I'm saying

I don't get a fuck about who Rick Docoman is or whatever and I went up there and followed him and I had a good set and he came up to me afterwards and a lot of people could have followed me that's pretty good stick with it and then when I got here I called him

for a lot of counseling. Him and his wife were fucking brilliant. They knew exactly that I just keep calling him for spots. You're doing the right thing. He goes, I would go down to the improv after the show was done and buy drinks for people and put spotlights on in the back and do it. It's all about what you want. I thought, and his wife invited me off for dinner one night.

Yeah. And she was telling me how he did Letterman. And the next day they drove from New York to where she's from in Ohio. And they drove all night and got there like at 8 in the morning. And at 5 o'clock, they ate. dinner and he was putting his shoes on she goes where are you going he goes there's an open mic down the corner at the pizza place i'm gonna go do it she goes you just didn't let him and he goes exactly that was yesterday yeah he goes that's your mentality that's but it has to be that you has to be your mentality

there was a kid that was opening up for me and i forget which city it was he was he was uh hosting right i forget which he was but he was i asked him because he was pretty funny and i said you want to do this full time and he goes yeah i go um how many nights you get in on stage a week and he said i do three sets a week, I go, well, you should quit. I said, quit. And he said, why? I said, do you know, look, I'm going to give you an example like, say Joe Rogan is in, in L.A. for a week, and he's doing stand-up. He'll do three sets sometimes in a night. And if one of the best guys in the world is sometimes tripling the amount of times you're getting on stage a night, you're not trying hard enough. If you're getting into stand-up, just getting into it, and it's what you want to do

forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and you only figure out how to get on stage twice a week it's going to be tough remember from 98 to 2007 I had two addictions it was just you used to keep a folder how many times you got on stage and you do you still have that fucking folder yes I do you said a number you said a weekly a monthly and a yearly number yes I did you how many years did you do that I remember I remember that fucking notebook. From 96th till today. You, it was a weekly month and sometimes

I remember you to stick to it you would be like, I got one more fucking set I got to do. I don't care if it's at a pizza place. I got to stand in front of a fucking mic. You had one more and you would make sure I stood in front of a fucking mic. Doesn't matter. I remember that fucking no book. It drove me crazy. Yeah. I was in fucking,

I was in just, I got to do that spot for a week. Yeah, I remember that. In Denver, I worked my ass off to do 16 spots a month. Anyway, I would drive to Cheyenne Wyoming, like this is two hours to do an open mic. I would kill it on Fridays, go up there early, get the shrimp and lobster sauce to add some Chinese restaurant.

A bunch of New Yorkers in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Yes, I did. I would drive to Cheyenne, Fort Collins, Riverton, Wyoming to do the open mic. I would drive, bro. Oh, I know, man. I don't know what the fuck people are talking about. Then I got here.

And once I got here, I knew that it was three spots at night. Felipe's, another Mexican bar. and at the comedy store, Rudy's. And that was it. And you know what? I forgot about my health. I mean, I was so

into stand-up that health. Oh, you had no balance. No balance. No balance at all. There was no balance. But here's the fucking crazy thing that you just remind me. You know many times

I walked in the door because this was the process just so people know. I would go to the comedy store, get a package, put it in my drug pocket. From Chewy's hat? It could be from anybody.

And I would put it in my pocket and it would stay there until I got off stage. As soon as I got off stage, I went right to the bathroom, did that first bump. I went to the bar. I drank a little bit. And once I felt the Coke, I'd leave. I didn't want to get coked up in public too much. No, that was never your thing. So I'd go home.

And let me tell you something. I'd stop. I'd get beers, two packs of camels, three packs of camels. I'd have a gram of Coke. First thing I did, before I walked in and did a line of Coke or opened up a beer. you was I go piss and then I go right for the notebook and before I did that line of coke as addicted

as I was I would write Brave Bull did okay got to work on that joke the improv I ate a bag of dicks and the comedy store I did perfect I just need to write this I didn't like how I said that

I don't know how to date how much time and what I got paid for each set I did the same fucking thing, man. That was it. That was the first thing I did. When I got home, there was no calls. There was no cocaine. There was nothing.

The first thing I did when I walked through that door, as much as I wanted to snort the Coke, was open up that notebook and write exactly how I did, what I got paid and what I tried and what died. And as honest and as rudely honest as can be. You know, it's funny is that I had one of those two where I would write down where I was, what I did, how much I got paid, how much time I did. how much time I did too. The other one I wrote down, so I didn't have a how many sets a week notebook. Because I didn't have, because of the kids, I knew I didn't have that ability to get as many sets that I wanted. I kept track of phone calls that I made for myself, for my career. There were a certain amount of phone calls a day.

Every day. E-mails. Some sort of something out. It's something. I had to do something. To keep you busy all day. Yeah. You work for yourself.

You are your own corporation. That's it. If you sit there in a daytime and watch TV and look at the computer, that's exactly what your career is. You're stealing money from yourself. You're just stealing money from yourself. That's why you have to have a schedule. You get up at 8.

You have a breakfast. You go exercise. Get it out of the way. Then you go to come home, wash your pussy. Go right for an hour and a half. Then you go home because you can't sit there like a fucking... I can't do it. I got to go somewhere and right.

Yeah, yeah. Then you go get a job from 12, eight selling fucking tape on the phone whatever and then from there you get on your fucking car and you go start doing your spots you get a little dinner in and you go do your spots and you know I still remember that at the end of the notebook like at the end of the notebook it would be this last sheet would be what I made that year so New Year's Eve I get a grandma blow or I wouldn't the night before New Year's I get a gram a blow and add every month up so I would add it up in the quarter so January

February, March was a quarter. This is what I made. And I still remember looking at that paper, and it'd be saying $8,000 for the year. $8,000 is what I made in comedy in 1996 for the year. Yeah, man. And I figured out how to do blow, pay child support part-time, fucking buy clothes.

You know, you figure out how to not buy underwear. I don't need underwear. No. I need six pairs of socks. You never wore underwear. Never. It was like you just figured out what you needed to do what you needed to do. We used to, so I had my bills on an alternate month payment.

Not that the companies were okay with that. That's just how I paid my bills. I paid my bills by which one was getting turned off that month. And that's the one they got paid. And the other ones that weren't getting turned off, I'll see you next month. It's just so weird how you get addicted to this dream. And next thing you know you're living in the house with eight guys on a couch, but you don't give a fuck. Dude.

Because you're doing 22 spots a week. You're eating ramen. I know. You're fucking selling cigars at a fucking phone company from six to eight. On Saturdays you work a door because what's the difference? Nobody's giving you working on the weekends. You're just making money during the week. Catering?

Catering? Lighting people's houses on fire? Yeah. Lighting the fucking set on fire like I did. It's so, you know, and you look at it and you go, well, maybe you were retarded for all those years. Like, was I? Like, was I, we were, because I was telling Lee that after about three years, four years, one night, there does come a day that after four years, there's just one night. Because it's like a fighter or anybody else.

We don't know what we're going to get. It could either be 200 punches before we start hearing people yelling, or it can be four punches. You never know what it is. Yeah. But there's that one night where you just pop your head up and you look around the room and go, what the fuck? am I doing my life? Okay. So two things.

One, you know, there was a time when I was in the luxury apartments with the kids. I don't know if I told you this, but that my dad came in and had a serious talk with me. And he said, I really respect the fact that you were going after what you love and you're following your dreams. But at what point does that become selfish? You now have three kids. How long do they have to live like this? How long? Are you going to follow your dreams?

games at their expense. And he said, I'm not telling you to quit. I would never tell you to quit and you know we'll support you. But at what point is what you're doing selfish? And I was like, well, that is a really fucking great question. And to be honest with you, like the, I was going to do that one-man show and I was going to see what happened for six months or so. But I had, he was right.

At some point, I had to stop to prioritize the dream over the kids and what they were getting right um but also what i told my dad was i also i don't mind them struggling i want as long as they see that we're still the fight you know we're fighting for what we want but i'll tell you something you know that moment you're you're talking about where you lift your head up and you go what the fuck am i doing here that happened to me not four years in that happened to me fucking four years ago four years ago what happens every yeah it happens every three years if you're normal if you have any normality you find yourself at the comedy store one 45 you got it

because it never ends see it never ends you know I can't imagine being Louis C.K. or Kevin Hart I can't imagine it sounds terrible dude I just saw Tiffany Haddish in another movie I know so it's nice to be in demand

but there comes a point that you just lose yourself I've lost myself and I don't ever want to go back there again yeah there comes a point that you really lose yourself and this we've seen people, bro, losing. We know people who committed suicide. I was thinking about him the other day.

The kid used to put the handcuff on in Seattle. Oh, yeah. And he killed them, I mean, you know, I bumped into somebody the other day that I did comedy with 19 years ago. And, bro, it's not bad. It's PTSD

from what this town did to him. He had a little bit of success. And then he couldn't cover the spread, which happens to a lot of people in this town. And he went away. and if you see him now, John's movie, you're like, oh boy, this is no boy, though. First of all, it's one of the reasons I went last night, by the way.

Rudy Moreno was funny that. Rudy Sarzo once made a comment on him when I first had him on. And he goes, I don't know if he goes out. He goes, I've been around comedian since Kavanaugh and musicians. And he goes, you ever been in a room where it's a fine line between mental health and art? Like, there's a lot of comics I know that in the beginning, like in the beginning of comedy,

those open mics can become dangerous. Like you're dealing with motherfuckers who still got a bracelet on it from the fucking looney bed. You know what I'm saying? They still got a little brink. I remember being in an open mic in New York and some guy was like, I just got let out.

After 30 days, I'm okay. And he had the bracelet on. You remember that homeless clown that came on stage at the underground? Jesus, it was, it never ended. Yeah. You're looking at this going, maybe this is me, just from a different angle. This could be me.

Yeah. You know, I always tell the story, but the guy that would go up on stage every Monday, this is my impersonation of a bird. That's my favorite coming underst- That's my favorite story. That's my favorite story of all time. And he would just go up. He was very happy. He knew who he was. He was like the character of the Godfather.

You could put stickums all over the wall. He didn't care. He didn't care. He knew who he was. And he would go up on stage every Monday, number seven. Yeah. He had a day job. He was happy as shit.

He had 10 people and come see him every Monday. This fucking guy was the best. And he'd go up on stage and say, this is my impersonation of a bird. This is my impersonation of his shoe. This went on for fucking months. You know, and when you're a comic, like, you're like, okay, it's cute. You figure it out.

He's not going nowhere. Like, you know it right away. That's 96. I'm in comedy five years. Now I'm like, this guy is. He's not going anywhere. but it's okay he ain't bothering nobody but after a year and a half i'm listening to this every monday like this is my impersonation of a man in traffic on the five in seattle how often when he

change him what do you mean what he would you write new stuff every week yeah he had new impersonation tip top of yeah he wouldn't impersonate nobody now oh he wouldn't do anything no he would just go this is my impersonation of a boston red sucks yeah this is my yeah that was it of jim morrison at the hollywood Oh, my God. This is my impersonation of the bird. It's singing. So it's cute. At the beginning, you're like, no one is none of my business.

But whatever. He's having a great time. He's having a great time. He had his little girlfriend would come or his little boyfriend. I don't know if somebody would come and see him. But one night, you were in a bad mood. You just got out of jail. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I just got out of county jail. I made the open mic. I'm happy I made the open mic. I know I'm going to eat. And all of a sudden, I'm walking past him. He's up there with that. fucking, this is my I'm a VW

bug. I don't know if it was me or somebody yelled. You. That was you. Why did you do an impersonation of a comic and you could hear his whole body his whole body. You can hear him go but it was what we had all been thinking for months

and he never came. Did he come back? I think he didn't come back. I think he switched up to giggles. What about, okay, you know, you know, you know of the impersonator up there that made me laugh the most was the guy who sounded like Jimmy Stewart, but he never did an impersonation of Jimmy Stewart. But every impersonation he did sounded like Jimmy Stewart doing an impersonation of somebody. But he never acknowledged it. So it was like, this is me, you know, I can't do a Jimmy Stewart impersonation, but he'd say this is my

impersonation of Jack Nicholson. And it just sounded like Jimmy Stewart reading Jack Nicholson lines. And I talked to him after one of the shows. I go, you know, that's actually funny. you know that's a whole different take on it and he was he didn't see it no he was like i don't think i sound like jimmy stewart i'm like yeah yeah no he don't see yeah it's really rough to talk the comics at that level yeah and explain to them what you see because they're so i was the same way people come up to me and say shit i ain't gonna fucking do that shit it's so weird that i forced myself to go to an open mic a few times a week now because i don't want to get over whatever with the comedy store so i rather hide yeah and every time i go i think about i always

sit there and watch the open micers. I go to the fourth wall and I'll sit there and watch them. And 10 minutes in, eight minutes in, my mind goes back to being in New York City. And when I was feeling at that time, like in 93, like, this is all I want to do. What the fuck am I driving a limo for? I feel so lucky, dude, that I started into Comedy Underground. I feel so lucky to have started in that scene. The Comedy Underground, the original Comedy Underground, is still my favorite stage.

Is it still there? No, it's gone. It's gone. The earthquake. But they get replaced? No. There's a new comedy underground, but it's not, it's nothing. It's not even close.

It doesn't have, you know, there was so much history in that cellar, dude. And you remember you could smoke in there. So by the end of the late show, there was like a layer of smoke just on the top of the room. And it was just dirty and raw. But the energy in that place was fucking great. And I felt lucky starting there. Like I said, because Carl was there. to kind of guide all of us in the right direction.

And it was a great fucking scene, man. I mean, I mean. Carl was my first fucking Mitzie. Yeah. I was thinking of something the other day, Josh. When I called you, we were talking the other day. And I was thinking about one of my most ridiculous days of my life. Like, this is the most ridiculous day of my life.

This had to be in the top five. You leave Seattle. I got a job working for a club. working for a company that sells advertising to pizza companies. And they're going to buy it into every, they cut a deal with the NFL. So on Sundays, when you're watching baseball or football or basketball, this is 1997. You moved here in 97, correct?

Yep. This is 97, 96, because I came in. 97. You were already here in 90. You came September in 96. Yeah, yeah. You came September in 96. And maybe three weeks. I mean, I was lost, but I you left and I was lost.

I was staying with Carol. I was sleeping and fucking, because I was asking me, I said, where the fuck was I living? With the fucking cook. Yeah. With the cook. Oh, shit. That's where you were living. I was staying with the cook. And that was great.

That was like, you know what I think about? I think about Lee having to stay with that guy Lee would have fucking gone home. Every night was something different either. He was the night I woke up and there was three black guys in the room smoking crack with it. Yeah, I think I would have loved to. I would have to fucking die. I mean, then he did heroin.

Lionel. Lionel. Lionel was one of the best young men. He lives in New Hampshire. He reached out to me on Facebook. Does he? Yeah, I think New Hampshire or something like Vermont, New Hampshire, something like that. Yeah, man.

I would go there and spend a few days of him. Like, he was just great. A great guy. He's just a great guy. Yeah. He was a big part of my open mic funness. Yeah. Like he made open mic so much fun.

He'd cook you something. You were flat broke. Yep. And you'd walk in there. He's like, I got some ram and turkey. I could whip you up and say, and you fucking go like, fuck, yeah. And he'd sneak it to you.

He was solid. Yeah. And then if you missed the bus back to Josh's, I could sleep in his house. And he lived in a loft. The windows were broken. It was freezing in there. You would sleep in there.

It was fucking freezing in there. Yeah. So before you left, I get this, you leave, and this job opens up. $15 an hour Full time I was like the king in there Nobody could sell like I could sell

I was calling on New York pizza parlors What's going on? Where's Louis? It's Joe what's going on? I got this thing And I'm selling two or three an hour I'm busting them I get them up to 18 an hour After two weeks I'm busting it

I'm living on the fucking streets I'm taking showers downstairs I think I even slept in the hallway one night downstairs i need this job if i could keep this job to december i get the fuck out of here move to l-a and sure enough carroll starts her fucking bullshit you owe me money you owe me money all right meet me down stairs at five it was a friday she was doing something and i had a spot at the underground i was doing a guest spot for somebody at the underground she comes downstairs at five I get in the car with her, we go to the fucking bank,

and she goes, I'm not giving you shit. And I go, Carol, don't start your fucking shit with me right now. And she goes, fuck you, and she rips the check at a car wash, at the hurricane car wash. Oh, yeah. She ripped the check, and she fucking smacked me. And I grabbed her by the fucking hair like an animal than I was, and I just pulled the hair real fucking hard.

And she's like, fuck you, I'm calling the cops. so I start fucking running and there's a fucking, I mean, they're a fucking helicopters. It's crazy. So I hide in the trash can. It was a dumpster. The trash can makes it sound funny.

It was a dumpster. Yeah, it was a dumpster. It was a dumpster. Like Oscar to Grouch. I jumped in the dumpster and I sat in there with like a twig so I could get air.

And bro, there was cops everywhere. I mean, it was crazy. I sat in that thing for close to six hours. Who was that? Who was that big cop? The big cop. Upstairs, the Puerto Rican guy from New York. Yeah, good guy.

Good dude. And then I'm in this fucking garbage can, six hours stinking, eating old pizza in there. Oh, John. They threw, like, somebody's pizza was in there, like that they didn't eat the whole pie. Like, there was like three slices left. You bet your ass I was eating that pizza.

You ate dumpster pizza? Oh, fuck, yeah. I was in there for six fucking hours. It was in the box. I get out, I'm like, whoof. I had like $6 on me. I'm like, I'm taking a bus to the underground, and I'll figure this thing.

And there was a movie theater there. It's where I saw Pope Fiction. And as I'm walking up the hill, the cops are hiding in the bushes. No. They knew I was in the garbage can. They took their guns out, and they arrested me,

and I spent the whole week in jail, and they dropped the charges on Friday. There was no charges. Oh, because she dropped the charges? She dropped the charges. Some bullshit happened. But I sat in that, but the whole funny thing about it was that I jumped out of the garbage can. And I went into this hurricane and I called Rico.

And I go, Rico, I'm going to fucking bind. Now, Rico was 6'4-400 pounds. A black dude with a tattoo of a spider on his face designed with his beard. Yeah, so he shaved his beard to it look like a spider. A spider. To top it off, he was Muslim. I went with him to Montana one time. This white diner, he got up and got on his knees and started praying.

I'm like, Rico, you're going to get a shot in a fucking Montana. Rico was a nice guy. And he was telling me he was a criminal from the Bronx and all this shit. So I go, Rico, pick me up, I'm at the hurricane. I go, Rico, pull up to the hurricane. I'm at the door watching cops making patrols. I'm like, Rico, I'm at the, I hang up the phone. There's no cell phones in those days.

Nobody had a fucking cell phone. I'm looking through, and I see Rico get out of his car, He's waving in the middle of street. I go, we go, pull it up. And as he pulls up, something happened. That's when I went running. And as I'm running, the fucking cops came out with their fucking piece. And the rest of me, and I spent the weekend in jail.

But I was in a dumpster from five to it had to be 11th. I didn't make it to the jail to three in the morning to my fucking bunk bed. And you smelled like dumpster. And I had to wash a shower in there. It was a clean dumpster. The garbage was on one side. that just picked it up. Yeah, there was fresh pizza on the other side.

There was fresh pizza on the other side. Aren't you listening to the story? I don't think it was fresh. But then you go, man, this past weekend in Cleveland made me realize how fucking, also how fun comedy

can be when you've worked hard. Do you know what I mean? Like it makes me, weekends like this weekend. You know who Jackie? Fabulous is. Yeah. So she,

I, there was a, there would have been years past where I would have been like, I'm not going to want her to open in front of me because I'm not going to want to follow that. But, uh,

I found now that thing that you're saying, it doesn't matter who's in front of you. It just doesn't matter. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't care if they like, like, nothing bothered me more when I was a feature act. And headliners would complain about me.

Yeah. It would bother me in a weird way. Do your job. It would bother me like there's a comic code and that's the comic code. If you don't like it, just switch positions. Just come in, be a man and go, Joey, do me a favor. I can't follow you. Hey, by the way, on the very first blue collar comedy tour, Jeff Foxworthy is far and away, the most popular guy.

The tour is being sold. Nobody knew who cable guy was and Bill Engval and Ron White. They didn't know those guys. those were by the ways. It was Foxworthy. And by the end of the tour, Foxworthy was like, Larry, you should close. Because what's happening is ridiculous. 20 minutes of him was just lighting the stage on fire, especially early on him.

I know most people are like, fuck you. I'm telling you right now. You can laugh and mock Larry, the cable guy all you want. We counted one night, man, when I used to tour with him, dude had 367 punchlines in his set. 367 punchlines and he would turn a set over every 18 months it's pretty fucking prolific man

he also had writers he had writers yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he right right damn fucking good writers roger riddenhouse is a great damn good writers did i ever tell you what what jacob said to written house no jacob didn't know written house has a hook and jacob walked up and i were backstage talking and jacob was like eight or nine he walks up and he's eating chicken wings and roger's talking to me

Jake takes a bite out of the chicken wing and he goes hey What's with the hook? And I go Jakey And he goes this is it Halloween Like he because the only time he'd ever seen a person with a hook It was Halloween you know Doggy killed on stage So funny

Remember that petting zoo? When I was a kid he used to kill on stage I started comedy It's amazing that No no I wish I would love to hire a writer To help me But here's the problem

The trust issue You don't know I am like the trust issue is big. I would love to pay somebody every week to come out a few nights. But then I got to watch them and what the fuck they're doing. Yeah, but you, so what's so important for jokes for you is your voice is really specific. Really specific. Right.

No, that's why I can't do it. Yeah. I can't do it. Because you would even have to, you would have to, I'm assuming, if someone's writing jokes for you, you'd have to take the joke and then turn it into your voice. Right. I would have to flip it anyway. Yeah.

I would have to flip it a little bit anyway. It's tough. You know, I've, I've really, I know this is going to sound weird, but really almost stop. I tell pretty much exclusively long stories. You know, I tell some stories that are, there's a story that I tell that's 23 minutes long. But I've really stopped writing punchlines. Well, the punchlines pop up with the story.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If the story is real and you're telling the truth. Yeah. And you know what? A story on stage, like listen, I told the story about snowing coke with a cat. And we know we didn't look out windows together. But that's a mildly exaggeration to make it funny. That's part of it.

Well, you take the story and you heighten the reality. Right. I did give the cat Coke. I did take a Coke rock and he licked it and fucking ran away. And then a month later, he came back and licked it again. Yeah. So it wasn't. That's what it was.

I tell the story on stage that I was. that I was snorting coke with him. You gotta be fucking crazy if you think a cat was snorting coke. Here's what I do is like I'll tell the story exactly how it happened for the first five times

just to see which part of the truth works and which part doesn't, right? But then sometimes if part of the truth doesn't work and what's important to me is just to keep the intent, right? So like I used to tell a joke

about Jacob challenging me to a fight. Right? And that it happens to every the premise of the joke joke is like every man at some point in time when they're growing up looks at their dad and thinks themselves oh i could beat the fuck out of this dude right everybody you look at their dad or or a mentor at least one time like i'm going to beat the fuck out of this guy so there was a part where i was talking about my dad and my brother the first time i ever saw them fight and the reality is

they were in the kitchen and my brother dan kind of pushed my dad and my dad pushed him really hard back he picked him up under his underarms and just ran him into the refrigerator right so the intent for my dad was yeah you might be able to do that to me someday not today is not the day right that's his intent in the story but the action of him picking him up and running him to the refrigerator wasn't funny enough it was almost too real right so i had to cartoon it up a little bit to make it funny and almost less aggressive you know what I'm saying So, but the intent of my dad in the story is the same. I had to change how he delivered the message.

And for me, I'm okay with messing with that stuff as long as I keep the, the core of the story the same, the intent of the story. You know what I'm saying? And so if the character has to change his action a little bit, but keep the same intent, so it doesn't change the story for you, I'm totally okay with that too. Does that make, you know what I'm saying? No, no, no. That's the same thing.

You tell the story. 23 minutes, I would wrap it around something. I can keep coming back to it. Because I don't want to hear nobody telling me a story for 23 minutes. I'm stabbing the fucking next. It's three, it's one story, but it's three different stories in the story.

Yeah, yeah. I can't have a 23rd lady. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Yeah, it's three different stories in one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's, it's, I tell the story about going to Desert Night

that with the Stones and the Who and McCartney and Neil Young and Bob Dylan and, and Roger Waters. It's a story about going there for the, weekend with my brothers so there's a lot of stories it's one story but it's a lot of stories you know that by the way that that weekend made me i know this is going to sound so bizarre made me me really appreciate how good of a rock and roll band the rolling stones are dude i had never seen them live before i'd only heard their records and when they came out after the first song danny's seen him a bunch he goes you're about to see the good stones he said some stones concerts

Keith doesn't fucking care and they don't care he said they're on fire I was blown I guess I had never I know this is going to sound

like heresy but I had never given him like I'm a who guy over the stones I always had been not after that weekend no

they the stones are the stones for a reason oh I couldn't fucking believe like when you look at the stones now if you're Lee's age you're like

look at these fucking own guys yeah and look at what he's trying to do You have to really look at the 70, three to 78 stones. What albums are those? That's in Sticky Fingers? That whole run they did.

Sticky Fingers, black and blue, ending with some girls. Like, that was the result. Like, I still remember the destruction some girls was. Like, I'm really surprised they didn't do a 40-year. Because that's when they really were in the top of their game. Like that, from, you know, Made in the Shade, that one where they went to Belgium,

where they went to hide to shoot the album because they owed the taxes in England. Then they went to Jamaica to do black and blue. Like, wouldn't that be great if there was a little fucking comedy club in Jamaica, you could say whatever the fuck you wanted to, and you go to Jamaica for six weeks and write an hour? That would be great. Take your friends down there, bring a bag of reef,

or blow some chicks, and just get a house and write a new hour. Like, that's Kevin Hart type shit. Like, I'm going to Jamaica to smoke weed. That's what the stones are doing musically. That's what people were doing them. Like, if you read the Aerosmith book, they would rent the house in Worcester. Oh, dude, that walk this way was a great book.

That's a great book. That's a great book. And, you know, like they would all live in the house together. Yeah. They all did heroin. Great book. And Steve Perry and the other guy weren't talking. It's my favorite rock and roll book.

That's my favorite book of all time. Oh, that's a fucking great book. They couldn't be in the same studio together. They were doing rocks. They were taping rocks. They couldn't be in the same. So he would go in the studio in the afternoon because he would stay up all night doing heroin.

When he was on Rogan, there was never more of a podcast. I wish I could have jumped there. Who was on Rogan? Joe Perry. What? About two or three years ago I was on Rogan. What? And I was dying and calling and say,

ask him where he got the heroin to shoot rocks. Because that's the heroin you want to do. Rocks is a brilliant fucking album. I mean, one of the first. Is that your favorite aerosmith album? No, get your wings. Yeah. Get your wings, I think, is brilliant. The first one ain't missing a meal either.

They had a straight of four or five. I remember one day I went off on Lee and used to have seen his face. Like he had never heard that type of talk before. About what? Like I was like, we were listening to, what were we listening to? Was it Aerosmith? Aerosmith? Yeah, we listened to Aerosmith Rocks.

And my daughter wasn't born yet. And Lee came on and I'm like, listen to this. And Lee's looking at me all confused. And I think after that talk, Lee went home. It was like, I don't know. Because I went off. These are dirty Boston people. I went off.

Boston Celtics. I go, you think of your struggle. Think about the fucking Arrow Smith. You weren't just doing it. You weren't just doing a Tuesday in Worcester. You were competing. The Celtics were good. The Red Sox were good.

The fucking Bruins were good. you know, everybody was good. The Patriots were like, Andre Tippett and whatever. But everybody else, you know, it's either go see aerosmith, they go see the Celtics against anybody. And anybody.

That's when they used to give 16 points at home. There was actually, they were just great. There was a good music scene in Boston then too. There was a great music scene, but there was no Twitter. No. There was no Facebook.

You know, when those five guys went on tour like Black Sabbath and 75, they toured they were opening for Sabbath can you imagine rocks and black Sabbath but Joe that first album tanked and then they you you've heard you know that story I didn't know the first album tanked I think they said it sold something like a ridiculously low number and then they went on tour and they went back and they re-released the album would dream on and it blew up or maybe it blew up after they released their second album I think

that's what happened it died a slow death they toured and they toured heavy you know they toured heavy heavy they did an old school yeah no no that's when you didn't get off the road because the drugs those listen bro Sabbath wrote and like Sabbath wasn't off the road when they did master reality like they did those in eight hours while on their way to san francisco we're going to stop in l.a and laying out of them down it's so bananas that whole life's style has changed. Like music, it's changed.

Like, even comedy now. You shoot a special, and the next week you're on the road saying that you just shot the special for. So now when the people see the special, they've already seen that fucking material. The agents don't, it's really weird. When I watched that Elvis documentary last week on HBO a couple of weeks ago, when the captain said that line on the colonel, he goes, he's fucking wasted. So now just get him out there until, let's get as much as we can.

out of him you're a piece of me yeah you're a piece of this is why I try to explain the people that this is why you have to stay grounded in all areas of life because you're basically a piece of meat and when you come to that reality it's not a good reality for you Joe I'm doing I you know at my age and how long I've been in this town the fact that I've just finally figured this out but what you just said it's why I'm doing what I'm doing for my career right now I do things I'm just doing things that I like I have a good time I'm doing things that I like and like I said I finally figured out what it is that I do well and you know what I am I it's kind of irreverent fun it's a little silly and I've really started to embrace it and

when as I've started to embrace it man I'm more comfortable with who I am than I've ever been in my life now I'm more comfortable I'm staged I still got my anxiety attacks yeah but I'm still it's why look my Facebook fan page and this is I'm slowly turning it into a tiny little TV network. On Monday night, I have live programming at 7 p.m. On Tuesday night, I also have live programming at 7 p.m. It's two things that I just love to do. You might as well do it.

And people are starting. And that's your own little fucking thing? Yeah, man. And people pay attention. You know that periscope thing that you do? I do that. Basically, I call it high live. And for an hour on my Facebook fan page,

at 7 o'clock on Mondays, we're just shooting the shit. Listen, guys, they cancel it. Kevin can wait. They canceled Brooklyn 99, and they canceled the Mick, which the Fox stood behind. Brooklyn 99, they canceled. Yeah. And somebody made a comment, and they said, you were getting 2 million viewers on Fox. What do you think you're going to do on HBO on NBC?

The reality of values, Joe Rogan gets 7 million to 10 million people downloading his podcast. Unbelievable. They get more than Brooklyn 99. So entertainment right now, it's coming out. at you from all over. Like right now it's like it's like a subway sandwich. You get a sandwich for two bucks, whatever the fuck, what, five bucks or something? It's like reefing that. Reef is $800 a pound nut. Sorry, there ain't no more, there ain't no money and we're growing a rea. Oh no. Because it's everywhere. Yeah. The abundance is high. It's, it's, it's, it's. But that's why the importance is,

right? So you're never going to get that only three network number. You're never going to get no. Those days are done. So what you have to do is, as an entertainer and this is why you know it takes a long time to get this comfortable you have to figure out who you are and do that and play to your niche you're not playing to a third of the country anymore you have to play to the people that's which is what you've done right you've found the people that love you and are loyal to you into what you're and who you are and that's what it is that's what entertainment is now you're not ABC who's only three networks so I guess 40

million are gonna watch because there's nothing else to watch your niche finds you now a million and if If you don't know who you are now, those are the people who are really floundering because there's no voice to pull people in. You have a very specific voice. It pulls people in. And so when you start to figure out who you are, you start to draw people in. And that's what the, dude, that's why the last year has been such a crazy growth for me,

not just personally, but professionally because I've finally started to, I'm not drawing, I'm not searching people out anymore. I'm just being who I am and they're finding me. There's a difference. The hardest thing to fathom, and I tell people this all the time on Twitter, and they must look at me like, I'm an asshole, like when they ask for advice, it's the most basic thing that they tell you here. The most basic thing about this thing is be yourself.

Yeah. That is the hardest thing. Hardest thing, yeah. Thing to ever be in your life, because you don't accept, you know, they're not going to like me. If I say I fucking don't like fucking alligators, somebody's going to be mad that somebody's going to be mad that somebody don't like you. Guess what? Somebody's always not going to like you.

Even if you're perfect. Even if you're fucking perfect. People don't fucking like you. They're going to find a reason not to like you. So you might as well be happy and float your fucking boat. When they came to me and said, when Jamie Massada told me the first day I was here that I should move to Las Vegas,

that I have no business being here and I'm a cabaret comic. Do you know what I felt like? Like shit. Death. Yeah. Death. Like a club owner to tell you that. I didn't listen. And now he sees me and he hugs me and I'm his buddy. I have nothing against him. I love him.

Yeah. At least he was honest with me and didn't blow smoke up my ass like most comedy clubs did. Uh-huh. But it was the truth. Like it was the truth and you have to fucking find your voice, believe in it, stick to your guns, and tell everybody go fuck themselves. You know why else is... Look at Wheeler Walker. Look at Wheeler Walker.

Now he's opening up a kid rock on the tour. Yeah. He didn't give a fuck. No. You don't not give a fuck. You put your head down, you move forward, and you got a fireman's hat on. But two by fours are bouncing off your head. Two by six, 14s are bouncing off your head.

Joyce's are bouncing off your head. That's just life. And you know what? You hope for the best and you believe in yourself and you always have the distinction that, I don't know. I don't know. You're not going home beat up. That's the thing, though. Like, so for me, one of the scariest parts of being yourself is that,

Look, if you're not being truly authentic to you and somebody doesn't like you, it doesn't hurt as much. It doesn't hurt because you're like, well, that's not me. They're not saying no to me. So when you put yourself out there, when you really put your authentic you out there, when someone doesn't like that, that's the scary cart, because then they're saying, you know, oh, that's me they don't like. But after a while, you've got to be like, you can't change who you are to try to placate other people. that's that's not a good way to go through life you're gonna fucking hate yourself i've seen i've sat next the people at restaurants and listened to that conversations and i've done everything i can not to hold myself i'm going there's some bolties knock it off just be yourself you're not that guy and you're

definitely not that guy yeah just be yourself with the cap inside and the fucking what the fuck are you doing you just wait you know how long it's gonna take you to realize you're spinning your fucking wheels that's what it was right god that I had the comedy store like that that I could just go up then say whatever the fuck I wanted to because she encouraged that that made me go into clubs and go what are he's talking about go fuck yourself I remember one time I went to Houston the other club they paid me 1500 bucks for five shows that the one that dude used to oh yes with the daughter yeah yeah yeah and I went to that club and the first night he wasn't there the wife was there she

came in and she was like oh by the way we were clean here and I go uh and she sat there and watched me from 10 feet away and I ate a bag of dicks I mean I ate such a bag of dicks like I was just embarrassed and the next I went in and I go you know what this fucking club don't mean dick compared to Mitzie Shore I'm doing my thing I ripped them apart I never went back because right in the front row some chick I could see her laughing and then I can see her fucking left-eye clothes and then all of a sudden I just seen her barf on the stage that's how the show ended the first night

her barfing on the stage and it going everywhere all over the stage and she's barfing the people around there are getting up and running and she's just sitting there with barf on his shirt and I'm like I'll never fucking play here again Joe this week at hilarities some dude was fingering his girlfriend

in the second row for the almost the entire late show Friday. And you were watching it. The whole time. And somebody was like, why didn't you say something? I was like, it gave me something different to look at. You know, I'm not used to seeing that. What am I? They're not bothering anybody. They weren't being disruptive. It wasn't loud. What about in Columbus? A guy had a seizure from Edibles and Kate was on stage. And they had a come with an ambulance and they take the guy away and the four guys are like, fuck them. We're not going on an ambulance. They didn't leave. No, they stayed to watch me. Kate had it. It took 20 minutes for the ambulance to get into the building. I go,

She's like, the club came on. Like, listen, it's going to take some time. You want to cancel the show? And I go, no. Let the ambulance go out there. Kate, go out there and do eight hard and just bring me up. And it was perfect. And afterward, the guys came up and they're like, fuck him.

I was told him not to eat that fucking edible. Thank you very much for coming on today. I always a pleasure. It's a fucking pleasure. You know, I'm headed to Providence tomorrow, so I'll see you motherfuckers in Providence. And that's it and that's that. You got any dates you want to promote on here? Yeah, I'm at the Addison Improv this weekend, which is the 17th and 19th,

and the weekend after that, over Memorial Day. I'm in San Francisco at Cobbs. I'll be there with my beautiful wife, Bethany. And then one night only in Houston, June 6 at the improv, and I'm giving half of my money to recovery Houston. So more people means more money for the charity. So come on out to that show. Thank you, brother.

You're a good man. Christkiller. Sycamore Tavern tomorrow night, 8 o'clock. By the time this comes out, it was last night. No, that was last. But if you're listening to this the day, it comes out. I'll be at the Ontario Improv with the Smash Brothers tonight. All right, look at you.

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Stay black. Josh Wolfe and my man fucking the flying Jew, aka the Christkiller. Have a good weekend. Bapaloola give up your vows Give up your vow