The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #589 - Donovan Patton

Episode Date: May 30, 2018

Donovan Patton, an actor heard on many popular video games such as GTA V and Halo; and seen on Blues Clues, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Hims - Go to ForHims.com/joey for a trial month of everything you need to keep your hair - for just $5 while supplies last.   
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Here we go. What? Churchill's what's happened now. That's it. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. If you haven't seen Stephen Tyler on the Joe Rogan podcast, you're slipping out. I learned a lot. My guest today is the beautiful, my man, Mr. Donovan fucking Patton.

Hey. And the Christ Killers here. Hello, good morning. Ready to rock. But the most important thing is I love this guy. He's the most interesting guy I've met in L.A. the last three or four years. Like, at first I saw him, and I'm like, this guy is just a fucking nice sweetheart of a guy. And then he moved to New York for a while.

We did a show and got them. And he came out. and we had to drive over the guy, I'm like, this guy's the real fucking deal. He knew his hand around the city. He knew where he was going. And you were raised here? I wasn't raised anywhere. I'm a military brat.

So I'm like, I was born in Guam. Like, I don't have a hometown. I lived in New York for about 16 years. I was born in Guam. We moved to Colorado Springs and Aurora and Denver. That's where my mom's from. My father's from Utah. And then they divorced.

When my mom got remarried, we moved to Germany. Germany, moved to Vegas, lived in Vegas for three years, moved to Napa, California, but then I ended up going to this boarding school in Michigan, and then I moved to New York after that. Well, New Jersey City and then New York after that. So I bounced around. And then I, you know, when we moved here, moved back to New York, then moved here again, can't stay in one place. I haven't lived in the same house for more than two years for my entire life. Oh my God. It's kind of crazy. That sucks. Are you happy you pretty much settled down down? Yeah, I think we're done for a while. We got kids now.

So it's like we got to try at least to stay in one spot for them for a little bit, I think. Now tell these motherfuckers what you did for years because that was the most interesting thing ever when my wife was telling me. Right. I had no fucking idea. She filled me in. She knows I don't know dick about dick. I did blues clues for eight years. I did a show called Blue Slews.

I took over for the first hostess, dude, Steve. And then, yeah. How old was Steve when you took over? I don't know. He was in his 20s, I want to say. I was like 21, 22 when I got that job. And how did you get the job fresh from an agent called you in? Yeah.

Oh, they saw you somewhere. Yeah, no, it was just a regular audition. I was doing plays in New York and waiting tables, and it was like the one that worked. I was up for blues clues and Blair Witch, too, at the same time. And I remember being really psyched about my Blair Witch audition because I got to make out in that audition. And, yeah, it was like a weird thing. like, you know, I don't know. I got to meet the director of this guy, Joe Berlinger, who's done some amazing documentaries.

He did, you know, some kind of monster and, I don't know, some pretty heavy stuff. But I got to meet him. I used to work at this video store where I would deliver on a skateboard, delivering videos around the Upper East Side. It was, like, silly. So I got to meet this dude whose movies I loved. And then on the whole flip side of that, completely opposite to all of that, I was up for this show, Blues Clues, that I didn't know a whole lot about.

And so, you know, that's the one I landed. And I'm like, it was something, I never intended to do kids TV ever. Nobody does. Nobody wakes up one morning. You know what, man, I'm going to fucking be a Disney actor. Some people do. And sometimes. Well, you see it.

You see it. They go from show to Disney show. It's the world of kid acting. Yeah. It's fucking nuts. Well, with kids, it's different. You know, with kids, it gets to be like a whole weird thing. You know, because half the time you're like, do, are these kids actually into it?

Like, you know, I had the opportunity to meet a couple of kids doing interstitials. We were basically just commercials and stuff like that. And I met these two kids, McKenzie and Zoe. I don't know their last names, and I probably wouldn't say their last names. But they were loving it. Most of the other kids that were on set that day, you could tell it was just like a little bit of work for them. And their parents were really getting them into it. These kids, it was in like around the South Street Seaport in New York and

February and it dumped about a foot of snow that whole day. And we were sitting outside shooting part of it and they didn't care. So some kids love it. It's great. You have children now. I do. Yeah, I call them Frankencense and Murr in the public. Now, they came home and said, we want to act.

My daughter's done some voiceover auditions and stuff like that. Like my voiceover agent sends her auditions. She does a great job, too. Yeah, she probably does. Yeah, she's got it. They do it right off the natural. They don't need an acting coach. No. They read it how they see it. Now, what about if she told you she wanted to do in front of the camera?

I mean, she's talked to me about that a little bit. I'd be okay with it. If it's what she wants, like, I just don't want to be me pushing that agenda on her. I think that's where the problem is. That's some unrealized dream of a parent. I mean, I don't know, isn't that with a lot of things? Maybe football could be whatever. I never, you know, I don't know. You never think of acting. And then I came out here and I started acting. And the first couple things I did, I didn't know this dick, I was just happy to be there. Yeah. And then I started landing roles that involve kids. And I'm a hands-off kid's guy, like, you know, at that time I was probably dating Terry, and I was going through my own shit with my oldest daughter.

So I was like, I ain't talking to fucking kids. Kids are the last time I want to talk to. But every once in a while you have to talk to them. You know, you have to talk to them. you're in a scene with them or and i get to see their parents yeah and i get to see the story you know after a few days like when you're a kid on set for one day you really don't see shit it's after a few days you know first off a kid can only shoot like four hours right yeah there's something weird it's like weird they have to get they have school on set don't they're set

yeah there's teachers on set there's teachers on set and a dog like i've done i i did a string of movies with kids and the teacher on that set was creepy that one thing yeah because this this this production company was cheap so they always hired the cheapest they could to do things and the teacher they had I could tell he was like a molester I could tell like I was looking at him going all this motherfucker I had my on them the whole fucking done but then I did TV shows with kids. Yeah. And that's what I noticed

the creepiness. Well, Joe, you told me a story about like an audition you went on. Right here on Ventura. With that woman on the floor. 15 years ago. Right there, where they audition people in Studio City for commercials. Yeah, yeah. Building. I think it's next to All Can Harry's or something. Sure.

It's like a big, big fucking place where it was a day like this, where it was drizzling out, going to rain, back to drizzle. And when you had a park, a block away and fucking dry like walk a block like it was packed this is in the height of the audition stage where you were going to two commercial audition today like you would be leaving one and they'd be hitting you up to drive to bundy because they're looking for a hand model

you know shit like that at 545 this is crazily this is pre-2005 where you went out a ton in this town A ton of you had a heartbeat. And I went to this fucking place. It was raining out. And I walked in, and people were in there, sardined. Yeah. Like, they're sardines, but this little Asian girl. Beautiful.

You know, you gotta be eight, nine. You can tell the kid's gonna be a fucking star. Yeah. And I got no problem with that. The problem I had is that she had her head shots, like 22 of them laid on on the floor. And she was taking this much area. the room, but other people were standing outside,

and the mother didn't say nothing. Was it all the same picture? No, all different. Her little girlfriends were picking out pictures. I think it creeps out the kid a little bit. If the kid is not prepared for that situation, if you take that kid past a certain level. Well, I mean, you're asking them to do an adult job.

It's weird. It's a job. You know, it's a strange thing. You know, it's doing plays or something can be fun. if you're doing them at school or something. Like, I don't know. Right. I started wanting to act in junior high, but that's a world away from, I don't know.

Some kids who are young. Something that we've been talking about a lot recently is what this town can do to you and how, like, how some adults go crazy here. I can't imagine growing up from that and being eight or being four. And then from your, literally your entire life, people are kissing your ad, doing whatever. And, like, maybe that's why there's a lot of, child actors who have issues because maybe at 20-something

they don't get some gigs and they're used to people being certain ways. You know, you've seen it. We've had a few fucking crazy people in this fucking place that they were child actors and you see the difference. It does something to you. I don't know if I want

mercy in that world. I just don't even like it. I don't even like the parents. Like where I went to breakfast this new. There's women that live like their fucking Mariah Carey because their husband's a writer on a show

and their behavior is unacceptable in my world. Like how they drive around Studio City and how they pull up and they're double part. Yeah, they pull up and they're double part and they just don't give a fuck. And at the end of the day, your husband's just like me with just a piece of meat.

Sure. I don't know why the fuck you're driving around acting like you know the town drove that lady crazy she started believing the hype at the parties and shit like that i can't imagine what it does to a young mind but my point in this whole fucking thing was there was one show i did where i recurred and that was the first time i saw the creepiness of it's like the kids are puppets for the parents now i'm not saying all of them i'm not saying all of them. I'm just saying like out of the five kids on that particular show, two of the parents were beyond creepy. But then I did a guest star on another kid show. And I had a great experience.

The director was fucking phenomenal. Yeah. How he worked with those kids was brilliant. The only thing I found weird on that set was the parents. That one was the all, that was, this was the pinnacle of the biggest kid company which is Disney this is one of their hit shows and I talked to the one mom first of all on shoot days you think the moms are gonna shoot right you think the moms are gonna shoot the moms all of them have fake tits all them have liposuction I mean that bleed they're hot what people call milfs you know sure whatever white women I don't fucking know like these are Mills. Do you think they dress up to try to get discovered for the show?

I don't know. You don't understand it. But then you talk to them and they'll tell you different situations. Like, where are you from? Your accident seems, and I told the girl, Northburg and New Jersey, she says, oh my God, we live in Wee Hawking. Yeah. And I go, really? And she goes, well, we're originally, well, we're originally from South Carolina. She goes, oh, we're originally from South Carolina. But because of his acting, we want to be close to the city. So we rent the right over the bridge? Yeah, they rent the studio. For like 2,000 a month, and I go, where's your husband? And she's like, my husband's back working.

We're out here while he's fucking busting his ass in whatever town he's in with his construction company, sending money up so Timmy could have his dream of acting. So the kid was doing like plays in New York. So the farm would get up with the kid and just haul off the different cities. He was telling me the story. It was like being like your daughter's like in softball

only for acting. Yeah. But you see it like the parent was maybe a failed actor or maybe never even fulfill that dream. So they pushed that dream on their child and you see it. Yeah. That's, I mean, I don't want to tell anybody what to do ever in my own. Like I kind of lived my entire life to try to never, ever tell anybody what to do. And that's weird as a parent because it's sort of your job to help try to get them to be a full.

functional adult at some point but but yeah you it crosses a total line whenever you you're putting your dreams essentially onto another person they got to grow up and be their own person I don't I don't know it's not like I'd anytime I feel like I say anything like I know what I'm talking about when it goes to parenting my kids are young I got to skip to the end of the book I feel knows how that's gonna turn out listen man when people when I think to myself when I'm a parent I just shake my head yeah I can't believe I'm a parent I can't have to all the things and the craziness I've lived.

Now I've got to tell some child how to fucking live. I'm in the same boat as you. I guide her a little bit. I want her to learn how to protect herself. Yeah. I want her to... Is she doing Jiu-Jitsu? No, she doesn't even comprehend it.

Today's her last karate class. Nice. At the school. Okay. But she doesn't get it, guys. And I can't push it on her. She's a sweet kid. I can't change her fucking DNA.

She really, really, really is a sweet kid in the heart. and I've seen her lately, like the other menchies, we went, and the kids wouldn't share it with her, the blackboard. And she said, fuck it, I'll sit here and wait until one of them is nice or whatever. And then one of the kids left, and she picked up the truck, and she went to her own little corner, and she don't bother nobody. You know, it's going to shock her when a kid does something mean to her. I see how she reacts.

She's still mad at a kid from two years ago. Really? Oh, yeah. There's a kid at her school now that keeps busting her balls with everybody's balls. He's become a real pain he has. I feel bad for the parents. Right. I feel bad for the parents.

But, you know, when you talk to Mercy, she fucking gets pissed off about him. But at ballet, there's another ball buster girl in ballet, and she's got to tell the girl, like, knock it off. You know, stop it. But she stands up for herself. Yeah, a little bit, but I could tell she feels bad. She feels bad. Later on, I asked her, I go, what does that girl break your job? She's like, Dad, it's too much.

It's just too much. She said it to me in a funny way that I was like, okay, this is my daughter. Yeah. You know, this is my daughter. She gets it. I understand. She don't like people breathing on her. She don't like people moving around too much.

Like, life do blow. I hated people who moved around a lot around me. Like, I don't. Like if they physically move around you? Yeah, if you come over, sit fucking still. You get up to go to the bathroom. I don't want no dancing. I don't want no look at our windows.

I don't want no fucking nothing, all right? It makes me nervous. When I'm home with my daughter, and she's running around, it makes me fucking nervous. I got a dollar 15 times. This ain't the goddamn playground. This is a living room with points. Then I tell, I ask, you know, those little points on.

Anything, a table, all of it. Yeah, absolutely. You can't relax from there around. Well, it's all eye level right now, too, right? Yeah. She's going to bust her eye on that thing. Oh, she comes into the room, the office, and fucking jumps around. And, you know, in the office, I got to watch it because I got everything in that office.

I got knees. I got scissors. I got a stapler. You know, I got vitamins. It looks like this set of saw. You have a big glass thing on the corner. Yeah. That big thing could come down.

So I tell her, you got to be careful and shit. But it's, I don't know. I don't even want to tell her. I do stand up. Like, I don't want it. understand what I do. She's going to have to experience that at some point though, right? What's that?

Like, she's going to be able to find it or, you know, like, like, because your stuff's all online. Yeah, but. Does that change how you, I mean, I don't know, I guess it probably wouldn't know. No, it won't change what comes out of my mouth. It scares me a little bit that I meant so she's going to find that stuff. But you're going to have the benefit of like talking to her beforehand, you know, like, you talk to her every day.

Oh, yeah. You know, so like, so. She's not going to, I don't know, grow up. To me, between you and Terry, I feel like she's going to grow up and know how to just stand up for herself like you're saying. Yeah, no, no, you have to. You have to have your child stand up themselves. I don't want to, I don't want her to know about the stand up early on.

Yeah. Because I don't want her going into class and acting like the fucking ass class clown. That means the world to me that she doesn't go in there. And thanks because I do what I do, she could act like a fucking clown in class. That's not acceptable in my world. Yeah.

So that's why I want to take her away from that. I mean, if she comes to me one day and she goes, talk to me about stand-up, I got to talk to her about it. Yeah. I have no choice. But I've got to be honest with you. I've seen daughters of comics

that have tried to do stand-up and all that stuff. And it's a disaster. It comes from a different place. It comes from a different place because as a comic may be, I'm not talking about this in general. Maybe this is why I take mercy so seriously because I see, I've seen the daughters of famous comics.

Their dads are on the road. Their dad's missed a few birthdays because they're on the road doing a show. Yeah. You know, I want to do that, but on the other hand, I don't want to do that. I just want to be a regular dad. Yeah.

I mean, it's, yeah, it's such a mix. But at the same time, I wrestle. with that as a parent a lot too, just in terms of how much you want to be there and be involved. And because my schedule is irregular, there's sort of this idea that my wife and I have, we both have irregular schedules, that we should be there for all of it. Can't miss any of it. But then I also think they're going to have to grow up and you're going to grow up watching you and don't they want to see you doing something essentially? Like, you know, they're going to have to want to go see it like a capable person. My wife always,

When my kids were younger, she would have to, she's a photographer, so she would leave town every now and again. And she got really upset about everything she missed. And I said, they're going to grow up and they're going to see this woman who built her own business. They're going to see this woman who basically is like fully capable, completely professional and like knows what she's doing. That's the model that they're going to have. So, I mean, who knows? Like you got to be, you can't be gone all the time. But I feel like, I don't know, everything about parenting I'm completely split in half about.

Mitchell. Because you don't, I mean, we're not. going to know until they're 20, 30-something, like if what we did were. But I've been around so many people that have been broken, including myself. And I know where the gaps were. Yeah. You know, I know where the gaps were. When I first turned, when I was first a parent, when I was 27 years old,

I wasn't ready for, I wasn't even ready for life, never mind parenting. Parenting was about money. What you could buy the child. and shit like that. Right. Sort of how my childhood was in a way. I like the other style of parenting. You know what parenting is watching TV with your kid for now?

Helping them with their own work. Taking that walk with them to Menchies. Yeah? Being at their fucking events. You know, letting them know you're there. When they look to a certain place, they know you're there. You know, they're always in comfort, you know. Things are going to pop up.

Yeah. Things pop up. Things pop up. But I want to be. Like this year, I missed a world fair at the school. I did too. Okay? I missed the world fair.

That sucks dick. That's her day. I got to be there. So next year, I got to look around that date and not book at that date. And these little things that I'll continue to fucking do while I'm doing comedy because I know how much my presence is important. If not, she's going to be searching for those answers. at comedy club 20 years from that.

Well, don't you think, I mean, obviously your presence is very important, but I grew up with some people whose parents were always there to a point where when they get to be 23, when they're moving out of college,

or even when they get to just college, they kind of lose it because they don't know how to do laundry, they don't know how to just survive by themselves a little bit. No, no, no, no, no. I made my kid change a tire the other day. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no.

I got mercy. Mercy cooks, she brings the laundry to the thing. She does all that shit. And as she gets told her, that's, listen, man, like I say a thousand times. And I was 12 in the summers, I would get up, and my mom would give me a mission. And that mission wasn't a pleasant mission. But those missions taught me how to pay bills. Like she would send me to pay the mortgage.

And walk. Right. Like walk. Like, this is going to take you four hours. You had to go to the bank? Yeah, to pay the mortgage. And take the cash. Whoa.

She paid me with, you know, she paid everything with cash. There was no checkbook for her business. So just the test of carrying $1,000 in my pocket at 12. Just the test of me. When I was five in New York, this same chain, my mom would put on your neck. Who puts a chain like this on the kid's neck when you're five in New York City? Is that the one from when you were kid? No, but it was the same chain except San Lazaro had diamonds in it.

And there was a lot. Except they had diamonds in it. I was too cheap. I didn't want to spring for the diamonds. And then I saw, I watch you. And my mom would say, don't let nobody touch that. So you sent me with $1,000. I would have come back with a wheelbarer for the Big League chew.

Yeah. Like, it would have been horrible. Whatever the mortgage was, once I'm on. I had to go pay it. Then the next week, I had to go pay the phone bill and the electric bill. By the time I was 10, by the time I got out of Catholic school, like when I had my little beef at Catholic school, when I came home, they were not very happy.

And they were like, by the way, life has changed here. The time zones, the hours have changed here. Because whatever retired, Pepe and Diego, the day bartender or something, my mom has split shift in the morning. So she's like, if you want to eat dinner now, you got to come up to the bar. That's number one. Number two, you want to wear this clothes?

you better start washing bitch because i don't do the laundry till sunday now because of my schedule so there's something you want to wear you better learn how to wash it and right then and there we went downstairs and she showed me how to do the washing machine the whites the colors what water temperature the softener bah blah blah just like when little soprano moved in with tony remember he goes just write down what you want i go to the supermarket and i reimburse you when i moved back from catholic school it was a different world. When I went into the sixth grade, it was all my own ironing.

I had to do my own ironing. Like if I want to close during a week with creases in the pants, I had to set up a fucking ironing board. That's next level. I was like, yeah, she didn't fuck around. She was like, you got thrown out of Catholic school. Now you got to carry that load on your shoulders. And I never forget that first summer.

Like my friends were going swimming. I couldn't go swimming. I had to go swimming. mortgage and she would say the quicker you leave to get back to go swimming and then I watch the Sanford the Sun where Red Fox said it's a job do it and get it over with and I'm like he's right so I would get up like at six and start walking up the hill at six get a ride from somebody's dad and I'd be there at eight when the bank opened I'd pay the mortgage and now I'd walk back down the

fucking hill and I figured out how to do it you know hey bro you go up over the hill in the daytime yeah i go away the 60th and bergeline perfect driving you off on 60 on 60 on the whole way yeah i'll walk i'll walk from 60th and burglian line to i think the bank was on 56th street or something and then i walk on from 56th street and i cut through the cemetery and i fucking cut an hour off my time the other ones were easy the phone bill was easy and i didn't mind going there because it was next to a diner that made a b lp that rocked you fucking world do you understand and a cream of turkey soup

that would put hair on your balls, even in the summertime. You were an eight-year-old getting a BLT at a diner by yourself? 11? 11? That's hysterical. Bro, when I would come home on the weekends,

I would walk to the four-star after a Bruce Lee movie. I was nine. I got to remember Bruce Lee died when I was 10, guys. Yeah, whoa. So all those movies, I watched at 7, 8, and I would go to the late viewing of Chinese Connection.

So I wouldn't get back to the bar, until 115 do you actually think I would let my eight-year-old daughter no go to the movie theater and the movie theater was let's say we're talking about uh what does everybody know on Lancasham give me the the Lamele Center or whatever like Lemley Lemley okay the Lemley lamele the movie theater in contrast to the bar like if I went down towards Hollywood Instead of going north to Sunland, I would probably have to walk down to the church. What's that church past Moore Park?

Oh, right, right, right. What was that thing for your car was? That's how far I was. Christian nursery school church, that whole thing? No, right by Ernie's Tacos. Yeah. Right by Moore Park. They have like a, what's that street?

It's like a school, Moore Park in Colfax or no? More Park in Lancashim. They have the fucking coffee shop there. Oh, yeah, Borromeo. It's in Charles Borromeo. The coffee bean, they got a gas station across the street. They got a McDonald's day, don't they? Close by.

I hate that I know this, but the McDonald's is on Riverside. Riverside. I know that, too. Sure would be Riverside to the Lemley, my mother's bar. And I would walk it. And I would walk back at one in the morning. Would I let Mercy go to that movie theater? I don't think so, guys.

It's not that long of a walk, but at one in the morning for an eight-year-old, that's a long fucking walk. Yeah, no. Four, eight-year-olds, five of us. Maybe a nine-year-old or 12. year old it'd be a gang of us that's the other thing well that gets better and just in terms like you know safety and numbers it was except for like the stupidity level of what could possibly happen between all of you totally raises we would leave there we go to a bruce lee movie you leave there fucking ready to stabs you're fighting each other down the yeah we're talking about

fucking yelling and screaming and fighting at each other what made you get into acting at At what age did you? I got in like eighth grade. I took an acting class in eighth grade because my brother had done one. Where was this? This was in Vegas. Okay. And before that, I just, I wanted to be a soccer player.

Like, I had no thoughts other than maybe I'm going to go to college someday. I want to play soccer through high school, hopefully in college. I didn't know. No idea. Like, I don't know. We moved around. I knew I didn't want to go into the military. I knew that much.

I would get suspended from school before that when we were living in Germany. and I would have to go in where my stepdad was working and it was like the most boring experience known to humankind and some of the people he worked with were just crazy. So I was like, I don't want to go in the Air Force. I know that much. And so I took this acting class and I don't know because there were girls in the class basically.

That was that was it. Like, you know, my brother would tell me some of the stories that they had to read the year before and I was like, and there's girls in class. So like, you know, in Vegas it was a strange social hierarchy at that time because the athletes like weren't necessarily at the top of the food chain or whatever like it was a strange like it was almost like um um like real bad boys were the coolest kids and all the girls wanted like but but i when i went into that class nothing that I did ever

mattered like you know because it's like there's two guys in that class and then the rest is all girls and so that part of it was happy and um yeah i did this this little one-act play And then somebody dropped out of the other one. They had me do that one. So next thing, you're only doing two of them. And I knew right away that first night when we were performing just as soon as it was done. I got this crazy rush. And I remember, I can still see it in my head, just like looking out at the audience.

And it's this tiny little theater in a junior high. But my teacher was this woman, Mary Johnson. She also taught me Spanish. And she just really encouraged me. And she was super supportive. And I knew right then. Like I kind of, like, I was playing soccer with like the high school team. they're like summer team.

I wasn't super great, but I was like good enough. I used my left foot. So like, you know, they had a place for me essentially. And then everything changed. Like after that one night, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. And I ended up going to this summer camp called Interlock and Arts Camp, where I eventually finished high school. And I just got woken up to a whole other world of stuff just in terms of people who thought

artistically. And most of the people at that summer camp were musicians. But yeah, so it's like eighth grade. I kind of, I was lucky in that sense that I knew what I wanted to do at that age. I didn't have to go find that in college or whatever. I didn't go to college. I didn't get myself the option. I graduated high school and I moved to New York City and I went to an acting school.

Did it ever? I gave myself no, no second option. Did it ever waver? Did you ever, for like a year where you're like, oh, maybe I'll go do construction or maybe I will go to college or were you committed the whole time? No, I always just knew that's what I was going to do. And I had jobs just to, you know, because I had to survive. It was like, there were periods where I was living on people's couches.

There were periods where I was like, you know, like you're talking about long walks. Like in New York, I would have to go. I got fired from every single job. I would wait tables at all kinds of places and I'd get fired and sometimes rehired because I was an irresponsible employee. Like, I'd show up late all the time. I'd try to like schedule an audition or whatever. But when I was there, I'd work hard.

I'd try. I was never really that good of a waiter. I got fired from Starbucks from Barnes & Noble. I got fired from all of them. It's crazy. when you realize what we couldn't do. Yeah. Like, I couldn't do shit.

I tried everything, but I couldn't do shit. And I didn't want to do it. Like, once I got my mind that I could do comedy, that was it. I would try doing jobs, and there was just a waste of time. Like, once you want to do something. Yeah. And you try to say yourself, it's just a job, Joey. It's just a job to get me to that next level.

until I can make money doing that, and you're like, I'm going to try to do this. Do you remember the first time, like the very first time you ever went up in front of people? Yeah. Like doing comedy? Oh, yeah. First time I ever did anything was freshman year. I joined intro to performing arts.

Oh. And it was a split-level class, like three credits, but after you did something else, I can't remember what the other thing was, guys. And it was my first introduction to improv. I don't know why I took it. Don't ask me why. I didn't like improv. I didn't like Saturday Live.

Even though it's at his height with Belushi. Oh, yeah. I still wasn't into that. I liked stand-up comedy, but it was so far off the radar, so far off the radar that it wasn't even a thought process. At that time, it was, when I went into my freshman year, probably it was still Freddie Prince, Richard Pryor,

George Carlin, David Brenner. That was your, you know, you knew Don Rickles. You knew the other guy that had the really funny guy, the white dude that's spotless clean. He's fucking hilarious. You knew him and old. Bob Newhart or Steve Martin. Yeah. Fucking Bob Newhart's album.

Great then. Yeah. Steve Martin would king. I still have the button down mine. I have a CD of that. Yeah. It's fucking Bob Newhart was the shit. And you got a, I, Lenny Bruce came later.

Once I really started looking at the comedy. It came later. But the first thing I ever did for that teacher, she was a little lesbian chick. She made me get up and sing shattered by the Rolling Stone. With all the Shadoobis and everything? Yeah, it was the hottest fucking song on the radio at that time. And it was my freshman year or something like that.

And she made me go up there. And I was like, wow, I cannot believe. But I had already, in the sixth grade on Fridays, I used to sing in front of the class. I used to sing over Frankie Valley songs. I would put a nice show. Like just scooping off or? The teacher told me.

She said, do you got to. If you either could fucking do this or do that, I forget the deal she made me. So every Friday I would come in with a juke pocket with a fucking little record player, plug it in. And I put on Frankie Valley, my eyes adored you. Wow. And the Michael Jackson songs, the early Michael Jackson shit. I would sing in front of the class. So I had really no fear of.

You weren't nervous at all? Both of you guys never, because to me, I would, I would. would have melted i i didn't like any of that stuff no when i was younger i had no i always kind of got my approval from whether or not somebody else was paying attention i don't know like whatever like if people weren't then i started to feel crappy is if that makes sense it's the total opposite right i thought the comedy shit now i thought about music for a while maybe playing an instrument seemed cool but i always liked movies yeah i always loved all that stuff and i'm like Man, I wonder what I could do now.

And then I'd listen. You know, there wasn't no internet, so you couldn't read up on people. But I read articles and different magazines. I'm like, who am I kidding? I'm a fucking idiot. I'm an idiot. I can't do this shit. You know what I'm saying?

Like, you just didn't know. And then I'm right there. I'm in the mecca of it. Yeah. I'm in, now there's a show. Was it the office that had a little Spanish guy on it? Yeah, Oscar. Oscar.

Okay. Oscar Nunes has a brother. And when I was a kid, his brother was the biggest deal in neighborhood. I can't remember what his name is now. But he used to go to, he used to a model. And he would go to the city in the daytime and take pictures. He was a good-looking kid. And then when he come back to Jersey, he would go to a hot dog stand on 30th in Bergen-Line Avenue,

which is where the bus is going to take you into the city. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I would see him over there. He had a street name, though. Like Fabian or something. He had a street name. Like they gave him the Cuban. That was my first experience with it,

but I didn't know you could take acting lessons in New York. I had no fucking idea. I had no idea that he even went on like that. And then I had little by little, I saw a soap opera guy once. Right. And I'm like, oh, shit. Right in Manhattan.

I saw like Dexter from, uh, from, like I saw Dexter and somebody else from one of the soap operas. Dexter was on Dynasty. But the other guy was on something else. And I'm like, why are these guys here? Michael C. Hall? The actor? No, no, no.

This is way before. I was like Dexter. No, no. Not even that. No, no. There's a guy named Dexter. Oh, okay. It was a character named Dexter.

It couldn't be a cheesier fucking name. And he was on Dynasty. Okay. And he was married to the chick on Dynasty, but he was also banging the daughter. All right. So that was his name, Dexter. And then there was a guy on like, we were watched General Hospital.

I dated a girl and she liked General Hospital. So I would watch General Hospital. You get roped into that. And one day I saw that guy, not the singer Rick Springfield, but some other guy from General Hospital in Manhattan. And then I put it together. But at that time, I was doing drugs.

I'm eating quailudes. I'm robbing people. I'm like, what are my chances of being a fucking actor? So I just abandoned the fucking thought. Huh. Now, how far after you got into acting did you get the audition for blues clues? Like, not all that far out of, out of a, like, I got that job in 2000, and I had graduated from acting school in 1998. So it's like, before that, you know, I was doing plays and things here and there.

You know, I got paid to do a couple of plays. I remember, I had this, like, I don't know. But at the same time, I was on the border just messing it all. up. I was 18, 19, and just totally irresponsible. And like, I was the only one of my family that was doing anything like that. So I had nobody to kind of ask about what you should do, what you shouldn't do. And I was doing this play at the Vineyard Theater. And I remember this director was like, you know, it was a really amazing show. And I'm still in touch with some of the people that we did that with. We were all super young. And it was directed by this guy Michael

Mayer who directed, you know, Angels in America and a bunch of just, you know, like, Awakening and Sideman and he was just a like a Broadway director and he's directing this off-Broadway play and I was just messing up like I was late all the time or whatever and he just like had to pull me aside and he was like you know you're about to screw all this up right and at the time I was like what am I doing like I don't know I was just so I was bouncing around just being an idiot and and yeah and then like a year a year later essentially like when I got that that audition and before there was like a bunch of commercial auditions and stuff like that. You know, it's like, you never, you never know what's going to land at that point.

You know, you're so young, you know, it's such a crazy thing. Well, I was, I was just looking, looking at it, because I was a little too old even for the original blues clues, but I remember the original, but I was looking it up, and it said that you had like 1,500, not you, but they, they went through like 1,500 people to try to find you. Like, that's, that's a crazy, it's not like there was, like, there was, like, there was, eight people in the room. You went through like a process. Yeah. Well, I mean, it was a bunch of different auditions. They weren't like 1,500 people. It wasn't like American Idol where they're all spilling out on the street. Right, right, right, right. That would be strange. But yeah, I had no

idea. I actually, I don't know, it's a silly story. I have a VHS tape of one of my auditions, of the screen test, the final one. And I need to get it converted because nobody has a VHS player anymore. I need to just like watch it. I need to go back and see it because I'm convinced that I got that job because of a Christopher Walken impression, which is the stupidest thing. So I'm on set, and they treated it just like they were doing the show. It's a green screen studio, and it's like, at this point, it's down to five guys. And so one of the directors came out, and she said,

you know you sound exactly like Matthew Broderick? And you're in this nervous situation. I'm like, what do I say? And so my mind starts spinning and spinning and spinning. I don't know what to do with that information, so I just go back to this. this thing like making my buddy's like you know laugh or whatever I just says it funny and people usually tell me I sound like Christopher walking and just like the crew started chuckling and Steve did this slow burn to the camera and he pulled me aside and he said okay so the next time they tell us to go

let's both do walking let's both do it and I was like you got it man and so we went out and we didn't tell anybody so it's like we had to start the scene again and he's just like Hey, Joe. Yeah, Steve. What are you going to do today? I'm like, I don't know. What do you want to do? He was like, you want to play blues clues to figure it out?

And we sang the song, like, we are going to play blues clues because it's a really, yeah? Oh, yeah. So we just kept going with our silly Christopher Walker impressions. I'm convinced that that's what got me the job. They said it was some kind of, you know, like marketing testing that they'd done. They put, like, all the people in front of kids and they responded to me best. It was, I owe Christopher Walkena. Thank you.

Now, how many episodes? How did you shoot those? Once a week? No, it would be like six weeks on, six weeks off. They would write them and then, you know, they go through the storyboarding process and they make sure that they're all like around the right time. And then we would do, it was a wild thing to do. Because Steve had been doing it for years.

So it was the same crew. They all knew what they were doing. And we, you know, we ran out this green screen or it was blue screen at first. And then later on when they changed the colors in my shirt, it became like a green screen or a blue screen. dependent on what I was wearing. And we would do shoot for about six weeks. We get like five, six episodes done.

But I'm the only actor on set. There was nobody else there. It was me. And then they would have one actor. Both times it was this woman, like different women named Katie. So like they would do all the other voices. They were like just off the camera. So we'd get all the timing down.

And I would show up at like 7 a.m. and I'd leave at about 7 p.m. at some point. And we would shoot like, I don't know, 10 out of 12 of those hours. It was just like a crazy process because it's like I would go and then all right, they'd be ready and they'd move the camera and, you know, it's just like whenever I could go again and then we'd go and, you know. How was your behavior on that show once you got on there? I had to learn to grow up. I had to learn. That's where I actually learned how to be responsible because at some point it was like I realized it wasn't just me.

When I was the only guy, you know, you show up late and nobody can work. Like nobody can do anything. And so that's when I figured out essentially how to. be a professional. You know, it took me a while. I was a, I don't pick things up quickly. It takes me a minute. It took me a fucking while too. You have to see it. Yeah. You have to see how people act. Like I was giving the worst advice. Like a dear friend of mine came up to me and said, listen, all these meetings you don't want after this movie, be there late. Make them wait for you. That's how you become a star. And I actually believed that I was late for like four meetings.

And I don't know, like, something isn't right here. It's against who the fuck I am. Right. What did that person do for a living? He was a comedian. He was a successful comedian. So you want you to develop some kind of air of history or whatever it is? I didn't like it.

I didn't like it. Yeah, I don't get that part of it. And he failed with it. So it was, he failed miserably with it. He failed miserable with the end of his career in many ways because of his arrogant. towards people and I didn't like it you know I didn't like it at all and then I saw it I see it over years like I was just at the stress factory and this disturbed me I saw that this comic was there and I go how was it and they were like it's fucking

uh like it bothers you that this guy acts this way really like you're not in the room hmm like he's very nice he'll come over and say Lee I am that the That I'm in high. I'm da-da-da-ta-ta-ta. And then that's it. Doesn't talk to the staff. Doesn't want the staff to come into the green room. Isn't hungry.

Doesn't want anything to drink. Do not bother me. You know, it's just, and you come in, you get him. He goes up. He does his time. He goes off. No pictures, no nothing. Really?

Yeah. Doesn't want to be bothered. He doesn't want anybody in the green room. Is what he's saying that brilliant? to where, like, you have to put up with that? Not at all. Not at all. Yeah, that's, yeah.

So the arrogance that every level bothers to fuck out of a guy like me because, you know, you put your pants on one like at the time. Yeah. So it bothers the fuck out of me, you know. I used to think that about, like, the Queen of England. It was like, at some point she's got to take a dump in that dress. Yeah. We're all just people.

We're just fucking people. We, as people sometimes blame, that kind of caste system on our failure but there's no real caste system no we're all the same and we all get the same opportunities it's what the fuck you want to do with the opportunity or if you pick up the wrong with it well isn't it kind of like what you what the what you allow because i've been in situations where people are late and just me naturally i i'm a reserved shy person so i don't say anything i think there's some people who maybe joey maybe someone else who let's say someone was late or someone talked shit to them on a set and if you check them a little bit

maybe they like they won't act that way with you anymore because they don't act that way with everybody I think they probably are nice to their friends but it's just what you allow people to do like empowers them what was the last time that somebody checked you that you didn't get angry at them for a few days until you realize they were really helping you out oh yeah guy on that that guy that when you got to play and he pulled yourself and he said what are you doing here at first you walk away thinking

this fucking jerk off but if you have any brains as a man and if your ego allows it you're like that person just saved my fucking life if I had any brains I would have done it then it wouldn't have taken me another two years it took no no it's terrible

it's fucking terrible what we put ourselves through well nothing happens on your own my thought of it now is that is that you do whatever you can do, and at some point, somebody else in your life is going to take a chance on you. Someone else in your life

is going to give you an opportunity, and then your job, like a lot of times as an actor, but almost as anything, is to make whoever put you in that room look good. Look good, yes. Whoever took that chance on you, make them look good. Absolutely.

And so it's, it all goes together. I don't forget, I worked for my brother-in-law for a while. He was sweet enough to give me a roofing job as a labor. And when I saw my check the first time, I almost died. I couldn't believe. he was paying me. He was paying me thousands

to do laborer's job. And at that age of 30 whatever I was, 29, I decided that I'm not going to be like every other brother-in-law. I swear to God, I was like, I'm not going to be the worthless brother-in-law. That job started at 8.

I was there at 7. I made myself be there at 7. Even though everybody else got there at 8. I got there at 7. And then do a lot of work between but I was there with him. I'd carry the stuff and load it up. And I would leave last.

And I would do double the work of everybody else or exactly or more than what they did. Just because I was the brother alone, I didn't want to make him look bad. So way before I got into comedy, I already knew the need to make people who recommend you good because these people are going to keep suggesting you for shit.

Yeah. They keep suggesting you for shit. Number two, with comedy, there's a guy named Matt Woods. and he saved my comedy career by having a long talk with me that was very short and very like it was one of the best talks I haven't got

until this day I send him my love last heard he was in New Mexico but that guy had a heart to heart with me that just sliced me in half about stand-up like if you're going to do it do it type of deal just go back to selling drugs like he was dead serious

sure he's like the shit you could do. Yeah. But you want to fuck around. You want to show up with a t-shirt and you don't want to write jokes. Yeah. You want to cancel gigs.

He goes, I can't even imagine. And today, everything he said was right. That's how much the guy knew his shit. He's like, when you put your head to this, it's going to be fucking awful. People are going to have a hard time with you. He was like straight up. Like, I've been doing this for 20 years

and I know when I see it, you got it. You just don't want to put no effort into it because you're scared of what the result might be. And that's fine. He's like, you could be a pussy all your life. My inside shattered. That's how you have to talk to people. Either they punch you or turn around and walk away and they'll complain to their friends and they'll go on Facebook. Somebody insulted me deeply this evening.

But their men and their ego is checked. They'll go, oh, my God, he was right. Yeah, he said that type of shit all the time like if you're too scared to see what the result might be if you're a pussy Just go by the selling drugs I think it would have started crying instantly Oh yeah, right. Oh yeah, because they're right they're absolutely right when people talk to you like that And people who are weak will quit will never go back yeah because they'll never want to be put in that situation again That's too close to home to a parent it's too close it's even tough than a parent it's it's that football coach it's that Yeah.

Like, I've never, I never want something to have a talk of me. But the last person that I'd talk of me was Rogan, and I don't like it. Nobody should have to have a talk with you about what's going on. Do you know what I'm saying? And those people that usually have to talk with you really love you to death. Yeah. They really, really care about your death. Yeah.

Yeah, they really care about you. And it takes them a lot. Like, you've stuck a fucking nerve in their lives. Like when Rogan sat me down that plane, I had nowhere to go. Like I had nowhere to go. I had to hear this out. And I didn't talk to him for a while. I made the point.

Eddie Bravo was the one that said, dog, what's wrong with you? Talk to him. Right. He's heartbroken. He didn't say nothing bad to him. He was right. Everything he said was came out to the letter. Hmm.

Well, how do you guys do that talk with people now? How do you choose? Because you can look at people around. you and you see 10,000 people a day doing things wrong or ways that you don't think they should do it. How do you make the decision to talk, like to have that talk with someone? I don't feel like I know enough to give anybody that talk right now. I feel like I'm still learning in some ways, you know? That's, I mean, like, going back to like what's difficult about parenting and there's like,

I don't believe half the stuff that comes out of my face sometimes. I'm like, even like somebody's just going to call me on it. Even if you were on a set and saw 23-year-old version of you, you, you, you, you, You wouldn't feel the urge to be like, well? Not right away. I have to get to know that person. Yeah. I have to get to love them and know them.

That shit, I want to say to people I just care for. Like there's comics that I care about that I want to go, hey, man, knock it off with that. I don't have the heart to do that. But somebody that I really, really, really, really, really care about and they're going in a good direction, fuck yeah. Tell them, come here, man. You're doing this. It's all good, but you can't keep doing this.

You're just killing yourself to live. How do I know? I did it. You just fucking, it's a tire in mud. That's all you're doing. Yeah. Yeah. If you see somebody like just destroying their own future, it's got to be tough.

I'm trying to get you to get out of that mud. Well, what the fuck do you know? I was in the mud for fucking 15, 12 years. I know how to get stuck and I know how to get out. Yeah. I know how to get stuck in that mud for fucking. in years. I could do it again.

You want to see? Do you guys ever feel yourself reverting back to where you were? Like maybe making a bad decision, being late one time. Like, do you guys ever, and like check yourself a little bit? Well, I used to, yeah, I mean, I don't know. You seem like you probably aren't late for anything anymore, you know, which is got to be crazy. I got to get there early. Yeah.

I got to get that, you know, somebody call, if I call you and I go, hey, man, I have a TV show for you. It's an ABC show. Yeah. Okay. The call time is eight. I expect you that's 7.30. Sure. Because you're professional.

You know what it's going to be, even if I go to CBS Radford, going at 8 o'clock. It takes you 20 minutes to park. 20 minutes to park at CBS. Why? What's it going to take you at Fox off a fucking, what's that street?

Oh, yeah, on Culver City or something? Yeah, off the side. Pico. You know what it's going to take? No, they don't let you in Pico no more. Oh. You got to go back to Avenue of the stars and go down three lights

and then make a left onto the shitty dead-end street to get to Fox. And you got to go on there. You can see the line. Like, the left-hand lane is packed. Yeah. Because they got nowhere to go. Oh, shit. It's just one street.

It's just all roads lead to Fox. Yeah. That's crazy. It's fucking crazy. So you have to be there. And even then, you've got to go park on, like, the fifth or the eighth floor or something like that. You got to go way up. Yeah.

Yeah. You got to park close to the elevator because you plan on. walking, Jack, all those auditions. You get there and you're like, where is it? They're like, okay, you see that street? Yeah, go all the way to the end. Then make a left and go all the way to that end and then make her, and you're like, what?

And then after like two blocks, the sun's burning on you. You see one of those carts, one of those guys. Oh, sure. He's like, dog, do you know what? Come on hop and I'll give you a right. Thank fucking God. Well, if you're in a studio like that, I always feel like I'm going to get lost

and then, you know, once you get, if you don't know where you are, it takes forever. Because they're so big. I worked on a show on Sunset and Gower and it's a studio and they have weird little streets and houses. I got lost to the... I worked nights. I worked at three in the morning. I was walking through the back

of things. Someone had to finally come and rescue me. I didn't know. It's scary. It's fucking scary as shit. Let me do some shout out to you. Yep. No, it's great to get you on just to talk from that perspective. Steyork Templar. I love you. Veselius Adamopolis. You

bad motherfucker. He's on Facebook. Rocking it. The game. Jay Every Day. Don Wrangler. Oat Meltdown. Brandy Lynn Gibbons. Don't forget. Keep donating. She's making things happen. Lorne Rosenker. I love you, buddy. Hope you doing well.

Don't forget. I'm at the Calusa Casino on the 16th. And don't forget Eddie Bravo and Sam Tripoli are at Cobbs this Friday night. If you're up in San Francisco, go give Eddie some fucking conspiracy theory is going to talk about ghosts, whatever the fuck you didn't. Are they going down to Sacramento the next night too, I think? I think so, too. Let's get him up the cops

for right now. And then we'll get him into Sacramento. By that time, Sacramento is a smaller place. Does he threaten to arm bar people if they're like, if he has like, you know, chuck people in it. It would be nice to like have that, like, go tour with Eddie because if anyone's going to start shit, you're like, Eddie

Bravo's here. Got it handled. It was actually pretty fun. We did a class yesterday. We did a class yesterday at a jiu jitzu place and i was joking with the coach because right above his security sticker like this place is secured it's just a picture of his jiu jih Tzu logo and he says no one no one messes with them no one yet one one time one someone came in to steal something and they looked in and there are people doing jiu jitzut and they ran away that would be awful that'd be like just breaking into a house at random and you find out it's like it's like the sheriff of whatever town he's just sitting there cleaning a gun

that would be horrible what's he going to steal from a dojo or either you know like a sweaty mat like what are you going to steal you never know what's that man you never you never know the guy might have his mortgage payment and he's rent on Starbucks to get coffee yeah and you walk in

and there it is remember George the guy that drove us to New York yeah absolutely George is a dear dear friend of mine I love him with all my heart In 1993, I'm living in bold. I'm not going anywhere. Like, I'm just in a fucking pond.

And I moved back. And I stay with Mike Runny for like a month until his wife has the baby. And once she has the baby, I have to move him with George. But George is on heroin. That kid that drove us over was a fucking nutcase. Right. It was just bad. So, uh, how do you get out of that?

Oh, my God. So he's on heroin and it's a Sunday. I'll never forget this. And I had this little college girl for that. I was dating. I had been messing around with her in Boulder for about a year. And now she was living by Manhattan Honda. Okay.

On 18th and whatever that. Like all the way on the west side? Yeah, on the west side. Yeah. She had a little about. I remember the corner was Goodfellers Pizza. and there was a wild bar on that, like 15th Street, that was a wild bar.

They used to do comedy there. Was that coyote ugly? No, no, no, no. This was fucking a bar. And I'll never forget being in there. And there was a black chick at the bar. Like, I had a couple of great times in there. I went in there with a friend of mine one night.

We bumped into two chicks to do open mic. And next thing you know, my buddy had the girl on stage with no shirt on. What? And we're sucking the titties. It's fucking crazy. This bar was crazy. It was a dirty open mic like Tuesdays and Wednesdays from 9 to 11. I was just getting into comedy.

So to make a long story short, there's one Sunday. I'm bored to pieces. I got 26 bucks. I got a spot in the city. And I can't go now to get weed because I can't afford to go over and back. You know what I'm saying? Like, once I go into the city, I got to go into the city. It's one o'clock.

I got to wait till five or six before I go into the city. In those days, I would walk over. You walk over the George Washington Bridge? Oh, I would walk from Cliffside Park and Inwood Terrace. Oh, my, that's actually... All the way to Fort Lee, I'd stop and get a bagel when they had the fresh bagels right by the bridge. Yeah. And I'd get a poppy seed with a fucking...

I have a buddy who worked at that store. That fucking Fort Lee diners right there. And I'd walk over that fucking George Washington Bridge. And if I was being really greedy, it was a safe way there, like a supermarket there, a red something. And I'd go in there and steal like either tampons or a box of fucking yeast medication. Like, you walk it over, you walk it over the George Washington Bridge and you find the bodega on 181st Street. They would buy yeast medication from your aspirin because all the girls would sell it. That's something I never ever thought there'd be a black market for.

Yeah, a black market for everything. And it would be like the small 20. Dude, we were at a store last night, a store that just had a bunch of stuff that was out. It was just like, they were going to put it away or something. But Joey was looking at me like, if this was 20 years ago. Oh, yeah, they had six cases of Jack Daniels. Just on a street? 12 bottles apiece.

They're 20 a bottle. That's 200 a case. I get in a liquor store. There were six cases. 1,200 for six cases. Give me 1,100 cash. I'll be out of your life forever. Going a bag of chips on a lottery ticket.

You know what I'm saying? That's how he lived. Plus, they had 10 cases of Yoohoo, plus a case of Malibu rum. That's a $1,213 a score in the old days. Real quick, real quick. Just go get the car. Go get the car.

Go get the car. You know where we were parked? Where? We were parked last night? What do is drive it over to the gate? Like, we own the joint. And where you're going to get the car, I'm bringing cases back there.

And I just load them up. and by the time you back up there's already four cases back there you're just load in the middle like you own the place you can't do that now because there's cameras right they got you like i'll have to disconnect the 882 fucking cameras i can get that type of time or wear a mask or something but then you're a dude wearing a mask and everybody knows something's weird no no no no so unless you want to wear a mask all it's a sunday it's a sunday it's a beautiful day i'll never fucking forget this i'm saying george's already heroin down it's got to be one or two in the afternoon and jrude's George is already on heroin.

He's going in and out of this heroin. And there was a lady right above us, and she's in the backyard cooking hamburgers with like her fucking younger boyfriend, giggling. And she had like a kid. That wasn't a husband. That wasn't a kid's father. And I'm watching this, and I go,

if she's downstairs, where's her purse? And I went out the front door. I run up to her apartment because they lived right over us. And I went through the day. door and sure enough it's open. I knocked first. Nobody said hello. And she's in the

backyard cook and her boyfriend's laying out with one of those fucking Guido things. With the reflector? Yeah, with the reflector. And I'm like, these fucking dummies and sure enough, her purse is on the dinner table, right when I walk in with a deposit slip, with the deposit and she just cast a check.

Oh, man. And I just took the whole thing that had to be $800 and I went downstairs. You know me, dog. I'm an old slide dog. I'm a degenerate. It's like you have a Spider-Man sense but it's for thieving thing yeah it was terrible I always walked into the right place and I went downstairs and I hid the money and I laid back on the couch like nothing happened and I watched to meet the burger and the whole fucking thing oh my gosh sitting there going if I leave George is going to know I robbed yeah yeah yeah I cannot leave this lady's going to say something

and sure enough the barbecue ends then I'll up there 10 minutes she's knocking on the door with the cops and she's like looking for George because the whole building knew he was a junkie. Right, right. And they're like, where's George? And George is fucking like, what? And she goes, you robbed my money. Everybody knows you're a junkie.

He's like, I haven't left the bed. I haven't sleeping all day. And she goes, you can even ask Coco. And I'm like, he's been in all day. And she goes, who are you? And I've been here with him. I haven't left to you. She goes, well, somebody went into my apartment

and took my paycheck. And I'm fucking howling. I'm howling inside. I'm dying a last. because she doesn't even think about me she's just blaming George I'm surprised you didn't go down and be like oh you're cooking cover burger and then you like share a burger with her well just no next thing you know I wouldn't I wouldn't have the guts the cops this is all this is when I was crazy the cops couldn't press charges on

either of us even George said if you want look around I have no money I got $13 I took my pile like $26 when did you put the 800 downstairs in the basement in the garbage hidden and dog once the cops We went back to the back room and George goes, I know you fucking rock. I go, I know, I know, I'll give you a hundred. So I went downstairs. I gave me a yardstick and I shot over to the city with seven bills. I bought an eight ball.

Whoa. I got a hotel room in the city. She came over like a doctor. You know what I mean? My scam was, all right, this is scam. This is ridiculous. I wasn't like sneak out of the house in junior high or something like that in Vegas. And my buddy Matt and I and my brother.

sometimes we'd go down to the 7-Eleven and I'd take two packs of Bubbillicious and I'd pretend like I was looking in my pocket for money and then I'd come back out with one that was my move that's the move I was I was like the world's best criminal take two lighters right in front of the fucking 7-Eleven and when you get for the cigarettes you ask him for cigarettes he turns around when he turns back around you're pulling out a wallet right he's looking at you like but he'd have the balls to ask you what's in your pocket he knows you shoplifted but he can't ask jesus you want for my wallet i shoplifted a few times but not because they used to uh there's a store called strawberries yeah it's going out from a music place clothes and stuff and they had yeah of

course not to close now they had instead of gift cards they had like coins that were worth sending them out of mine i took one once because it was like the worst system ever would they didn't have to activate it or anything i did that i also this isn't really serious stealing but in college I figured out that this place had a coupon that if you spent like eight bucks you got a free mini pizza so whatever it was I got I did so many times they they call them and said you're gonna have to order more or we're not coming over there that's like I remember oh man it takes me back a little bit I was I forget how old I was I must have been six or seven it was right after soccer practice because I had my like soccer shorts on or it was a game

and I had my cleats and stuff sometimes when you'd walk around the grocery store with cleats and I remember putting a box of tick tacks in my pocket. I was going to steal it and we're out in the parking lot and my mom could hear me because it's tick tax they're going like and she turns around like you have tick what did you steal those like you know she totally I got totally busted and she made me go back and give her back and apologize to the cashier it was like that whole oh man surprised I ever stole anything again it was I was so like mortified it was a shame I was such but it's the stupidest thing and I was scared to

steal for it. Then I tried it one time and I loved it. Once I stole and I got away with it, I loved it. The rushes Even for that gift card was amazing. And then I tamed it down for years. And then once I became a burglar and once you're walking on ice, you might as well

fucking dance, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. We live in tight dilemmas today being a pack. I think about that all the time. And you do too. I know you have a daughter and a son. I just have a daughter and I'm like, what the fuck am I going to tell her she's not going to see these stories she's not and I write her I write a journal for her okay which is slowly getting to the point you know what I'm saying

it's like in three chapters I write now like every three days every four days what she's going through what I'm going through just to slower in a little bit yeah and she can't she's not from the cut that she could get all this she doesn't she doesn't see it that way it's so weird how different We are at the age of five. At the age of five, I had already been involved in, like, a fucking drug bust cops at seven years. I was already involved in a drug bust.

What were you selling? I wasn't selling nothing. I was at a fucking house that got raided. Oh, okay. You know, to see a raid when you're five, and the numbers join, and then they raid your mother's place, it gives you doubts.

You're at school talking to Officer Rocco, the dead cop. Off of the officer Rocky. It's weird to talk to Officer Rocky when your mother just got fucking arrested for bookmaking. Right, I can't imagine. So think about that secret that you're hiding at five. Mercy doesn't have that shit.

She doesn't have that at all. So at five, she didn't have a father at five. So she's way ahead of me at five, way ahead. Like, I wasn't even talking at five. I was just rating the cry. Do you have a plan with this? Like when she gets 10, 12, what are you going to give it? to her.

What am I going to give it to? I got to see how she takes to what's going on around her. There's no age. Okay, so there's no plan. There's no age. She have to see if she's ready. You know, when I see people, when I go, I'm up to you, and I go, hey, man, I didn't know you had kids and you're like,

how old is your daughter? And you're like 16. I always look at that kid and go. Could they handle finding Donovan on the floor when she was 16? Like, I found my mother. Not many people can. Most kids can't. Most kids can bounce back from that.

You never know what you're ready for until it happens and how you're going to respond to it. You know, I just saw a dear friend of mine a couple weekends ago. She's never been the same since her father died. I get that. She was very tight with her dead. It takes years of reconciliation and, you know, doubt. When you're a son and your parents die, that's a complete different chapter of your life.

Well, we mentioned it, luckily not going on, both my parents are still here. But what do you think, when you saw that 30-year-old kid who had to get taken to court to get thrown out of his parents' house, as parents, what do you, like, what mistakes do you think they made? Like, how does that happen? They didn't, they didn't, they didn't, what's this? They should have stopped Hitler in Munich.

I got it. That line resonates in my head for everything now. Yeah. If you're a fucking business owner and I come in here late three times, you're going to pull me aside when you're going. Yeah. You've got to stop Hitler in Munich because if he does this every day, then it's going to become a problem.

And that's where we slip. Like, we don't remember that simple fact. Yeah. And you've got to try. There's something that rattles around my brain every now and again where it's like, I'm sitting there and I'll be talking to my daughter. And I don't know if she's just waiting for me to be done. You know what I mean?

Or she's just like, just waiting it out. Like at some point he's going to stop talking. Because every now and again, I'll get twisted around in my sentence and I'll try to essentially not curse when I'm talking to her. You know, I'll be worked up about something like she's either done or. And my whole thing is not so much about, it's about intention. You know, I say it's not a, you know, you can succeed or fail. Like, you know, some things happen, somethings don't happen.

But if you don't try, that's the big problem. And so it's just a matter of, like, where you, what you're going for. Like, everybody deserves respect. And if you're going to do something, like, you know, I just don't want to, I don't want to hear, like, I don't want to or I don't like that, like, if I don't even try it. You know, I don't know if my, I got a little sidetracked to my point there. But, but sometimes when I'm talking to her, I don't know if she's just like, like, hmm, I get to go back. to my Barbie in like two minutes, like whenever he's done. Because we can try and who knows, like,

if they're actually going to listen to our lesson, if they're going to want to rebel against that, or if they're going to just essentially emulate what we do instead of what we say one way or another. I mean, I don't know. It's such a crazy mixed bag. We just don't know. We're all fumbling in the dark.

It's crazy. That's the scary thing. We're not going to know. All you can do is try. Yeah. That's what I do is Mercy. All I could do is try. You know, when I saw you do the Christopher Walker,

and I forgot you were a great fucking voice over. You won Timu-Zumi for a few years, you build. Sure. Well, you've done a lot of video games, too. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I've done a few. Like, a lot of, I was, uh, did motion capture for Grand Theft Auto 5, which was really funny.

Just like, you got the suit on and you're running around. It's like me and this, this actor, Brad Schmidt and a stuntman named Chris Place. Um, and it was like the three of us just taking turns doing random stuff. Like, you know, like carjacking stuff that I never would have ever done or been considered to do, like after blues clues. That was a strange, like, one of the next jobs. Did you play one of the main people? Or they just had you, like, no, it's the in-game motion capture. So it's like, it's like the character as, as when you're running around, and it's not the cutscenes. But I did a few things with those guys. And they were awesome. Actually, that was

amazing watching them. Like Stephen Og and a guy named Solo. I have no idea what his real name is, but everybody called him solo on set. And I never bothered to find out his real name. He's got a real name. Sometimes you don't need to know the dick. That's the thing. Donovan, I'm happy you made it on today. I'm happy to be here, man. This is great. And as things go on, you know, you're real close to us. You can come on whenever you want.

Hopefully you'll get an Instagram page now. I did. I finally went and started, I got on Instagram and Twitter just for this occasion. And I have no idea what I'm going to do with it. Don't do nothing. Every day put something on that. Yeah. Little pictures, let people know what the fuck you're doing.

You're an interesting cat. That's why I wanted to have you. He's been coming to the fourth wall. He's been coming to the fourth wall. I finally did stand up. stand-up, which is always gets a respect nod out of my fucking because I know how hard it is to actually say you're going to go down there and then go down there and get on stage. Like it's you're jumping off the cliff without jumping, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, and I'm just glad that I couldn't hear my own like heartbeat and that was the only sound in the room the entire time. It was not the worst thing ever. And I actually videotaped myself. So I saw it and then I realized there's like, Just on the first pass, I was like, there's 16 different ways where I could have been better just even with that. And it's like, I feel like a fraud when I'm up there. Like, because I don't feel like a fraud.

I was talking about that just a couple minutes ago. I have full knowledge that I don't know what I'm doing. And I want to be good at it. Like, once you do it, you get that, like, that, I don't know, it satisfies that wanting to perform. I love that feeling. And so I want to be good at this thing, but nothing happens like that. No. You know, you got to figure it out.

I've been doing it 27 years and I feel like a fucking fraud. And I'm taping a thing on Monday for Netflix and I have no idea where I'm at. No. But I know. Oh, that's going to be great. I practice what I preach. When you commit to the universe, it takes care. Yeah.

I've done everything I can in my part. Something will happen. I'll make something happen. I'm not confident. So that's it. I'll see you next time. I'll get the fuck out of here. Next time we talk cuckuckuckers,

I just have just shooting a special at Netflix, hopefully, or I'll be shooting. But I want to thank you guys for busting Netflix's balls and all the support and love you guys to give us over the years. The church, Scott Cunningham, with the page. I love you, the debt. I can't wait to finally meet you when you come out.

And that's it. That's how easy this is. It's been an easy fucking week. I want to thank Donovan Patton again, watching them on Blues Clues or the fucking team oomysumi. or any other fucking other stuff he's done. You've got IMDB him.

The Flying Jew is coming to Vegas. Danny Brown's coming to Vegas. We're going to see Uki Spooky in Las Vegas. We're going to see a lot of people in Las Vegas. So I'm looking forward to it. But I want to thank you guys. Because without you guys, I'd have Bugats. I'd have dick.

So thank you again for your support and love. And we'll see you next week. What? Before you leave, we've got to talk to you about something. Like I told you earlier, all right? 66% of men lose their head by 35. It's that hairline slowly starting to move backwards. Any ball spots yet?

Me, I answer both. I answer yes to both of them. How will you feel a year from now when it's business as usual up there? I ask you two things. Do you want a ball spot to pop up or do you want something to do something about it first? Do you want your headline to recede or do you want to do something about it first? Why do guys turn to weird solutions when they can turn to medicine and science? I'll tell you what we're going to do for you. We'll introduce you to 4Hems.com, a one-stop shop for hair loss,

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slash Joey. Forhims.com slash Joey. Listen, you're going to be happy you went there. Whether it's sexual wellness, the hair loss, or the skin care, we got your covered. I wish it was around when I was losing my hair. That's right. That's forhims.com slash Joey. Number two, meandies is the best pair of underwears out there. Again, you know for years you've been hearing me and talk about meundies. Half years have ordered it. Meandis is special and it's different from the other underwear because, because they're made with a sustainability source material from beechwood trees that naturally soft fiber

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and you'll be satisfied. Get your butt over to meandies.com right now and treat yourself, okay? To get 20% off your first pair with free shipping and satisfaction guarantee, go to meandes.com slash Joey. Again, that's meandes.com slash Joey. I want to thank my man Donovan. I want to thank my man the Flying Jew. And you, motherfucker, is for a great week.

Again, we'll talk next week. Thank you for everything you've done. I'm going to leave you with some Kenny Rogers. You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille. Kick that fucking meal, Lee. Thank you very much. Have a great week. Toledo, across from the depot, on a barstool.

She took off her ring. I thought I'd get closer, so I walked. on over. I sat down and asked her a name. When the drinks finally hit her, she said I'm no quitter, but I finally quit living on dreams. I'm hungry for laughter, and here ever after, I'm after whatever the other dive green.

I saw him, and I closely watched him. I thought how he looked out of place who sat there beside me he had a strange look on his face calloused he looked like a mountain for a minute I thought I was dead But he started shaking His big heart was breaking

He turned to the woman and said You'd pick to find times to lead me lucy under children and that time well through some sad time I ordered more whiskey I thought how she'd made him

lights of hotel room and walked without talking at all she must have thought he told her kept coming back time picked a fine time to leave me Lucy some sad times picked a fine time Some sad time