The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #592 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: June 11, 2018

Joey Diaz talks with Lee Syatt about an emotional topic, suicide. From Chris Cornell to Anthony Bourdain, we have lost a lot of people who (from an outsiders perspective) appeared to have perfect lives. Joey and with Lee discuss how Joey has coped with similar issues and feelings in his life and why he believes his techniques have worked for him. This podcast is brought to you by: FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 06/10/2018.


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fucking great product. So fuji sports.com and on it. That's the way to go and that's the way it's going to be. Kick this fucking mulee. It's Monday the 11th to fucking June. We're opening up the week with a little Led Zeppelin. Why not? Why the fuck not? It's Monday. Grab it. It's life. Just ain't no fucking bingo game. June 11th, the day the devil was buried at sea, slinging dick and giving out chopsticks. Fuck it. When they told this, we should know.

That's always a bad call. Here we go. Are you fucking nuts? It's Monday and you're going for it. What's happened, you beautiful motherfuckers? This is a solo podcast, Uncle Joey, Lee Syak, coming at you direct. We want to talk about a few things. For starters, welcome to the fucking show.

Hope you had a great weekend. It's Monday, June 11th, which means you're getting dirtier and nastier by the week now. We're six months away from fucking Christmas, and you still haven't done any of the things you said you were going to do January 1st. Do you think about that? It's already fucking June 11th, and we're still playing games with ourselves, including myself. I'm trying to write this fucking book now. Today I tried to write a chapter.

I'm the worst fucking writer in all of the world. Like, I am convinced I am just that fucking bad. But you know what? I'll keep plugging along Because that's the whole fucking momentum That's the whole patois of this show Is to keep showing up Who gives the fuck how bad you are

But I was looking at my writing today Every time I write And then I go to look at the next morning I'm like oh I'm gonna be impressed Oh my God Is it fucking bad Oh my fucking God But at least I'm honest

I just looked at the first 10 minutes Of the fucking Netflix special From the 7 o'clock show Oh my God Oh my God people. But what are you going to do? I prepared myself. I tried to do everything I could. I got on stage as much as I could. Sometimes the pieces just don't come together. But you get the, you keep plugging along, man. That's why this show is going to be really weird. A lot of people

are not going to like this show today. I hate doing shows when they're marked by something, you know, that's going on in media today. I mean, we talk about stuff, but very lightly. I don't talk about a lot of things because other people talk about them and they're better at them. But this is something I'm really good at, and I want to talk about this, because it bothers the fuck out of me. You know, this week we lost another guy to fucking suicide. We lost two people. But I knew nothing about the fucking chick spade. I knew nothing about it.

I don't know nothing about. You know, I knew about Anthony Bourdain. And, you know, I wanted to take a few days to absorb what was said on the media, a few days to see the little things they were saying on TV. and I didn't really get much. But I thought about it, and I read a lot of the things that people were saying, you know. And listen, last year we were all devastated. I mean, even if you don't know somebody,

even if you don't know somebody, and somebody commits suicide like Chris Cornell, it fucked me up. That fucked me up for a week. And still, there's days I put on, you know, bad motor finger, or I'll put on fucking hands all over, or fucking I'll put on super unknown.

And I can't believe that this guy's gone. And, you know, people go. Always, listen, we're all going to go. That's the beauty of this life. That we all go, we're not going to be around forever. But for somebody like Chris Cornell, I know that you guys have your own dilemmas, you're fighting for your life, the economy, your kid, this, that.

And then you get a guy like Chris Cornell that's on top of the world, or at least we see that. And he hangs himself. And then we see a guy like Anthony Bourdain, who's traveling every week, something that we'd all love to do. 18 years. 18 fucking years, books.

You know, he had final cut on all his TV stuff. I mean, just unbelievable position to work yourself off. And one morning you wake up and the guy kills himself. And you sit there and whether you like him or not, whether you like the guy or not. Listen, he wasn't my best friend. I never met the guy. I'm just talking about as a human's perspective. You have to ask yourself, what the fuck is going on with these people?

Let's start from scratch. A dear friend to the podcast and a dear friend to me from the internet is a guy by the name of Lauren Rosentur. And he lost his son a couple of years back. And he's still in a tough position. You know, I mean, I could see it in his posts. He disappears from time to time. His son, when your child takes your life, it's got to be devastating because you don't know it. You don't know what's going on in their little fucking head, you know.

And then you get a guy like Anthony Bordane that 61 and does the same exact thing, you know, suicide is suicide. Whether you jump off a bridge or hang yourself, you're still taking your life without thinking about the people in your life and how it's going to affect them. Never mind you being a celebrity or somebody who talks about food, you know, the guys like you. This is like the endless fucking siren. There's like the endless fucking siren. Where's he going? Califucking Mars? but it's really weird.

I mean, I've been thinking about this. With everything else that's going on in the world, I've been thinking about why a guy that's successful, why a guy that's the epitome of what all of us want, which is success, money, you know, people to recognize us. This is what most people want in our life. And you kill yourself. You've got to ask yourself,

what the fuck was going on in his head? To me, what all is like that, because you said with the, the purse designer all this week has shown me it's just like none of that stuff makes you happy it seems like at the end of the day

it must not because if it did these people you would never do it guys when I was 25 I went to prison for kidnapping or whatever the fuck I went to prison for but it was all the same

the reason why I went to jail for is because I wanted money all those years I went after money like it was this fucking thing that was going to change my life. And I don't know what happened. After I got divorced and I got into stand-up and that whole thing went away

and that's when I started living. When I got that whole money thing out of the way that money is the biggest lie that's sold to us and if we want to believe the little bit of money's going to make us happy, there you proved it. This week proved it. I mean, one guy, the woman had an excuse.

Her husband came home and said, wanted to leave her or whatever, you know. We don't know what drove Anthony Bourdain yet, but think about it. You know, even if you have money, somebody comes to you and says, I want to leave you. They leave. You still have your money. You still fucking have your job. You still have your child.

You know, these people, she's had a 16-year-old child. You have to think about how this affects them, you know. If you don't think, I mean, we all know this. know that ronda rousey's dad took himself took his life you know she she put it out there on broad street and it's on a couple of the countdowns and whatnot you don't think that affects round the rousie i mean death at any if your dad dies of a fucking heart attack while getting the bread it affects you could you imagine if your dad killed himself like in your mind in your little mind you have to wrap your little head around your dad going into a garage at one point of his life when you were a

baby or something and then having to fucking put a hose in the car whatever the fuck he did how unhappy was I what trick was his mind playing on him well I actually spoke with my therapist about it because it was just I wasn't like you it wasn't Anthony's biggest fan but I was a fan I've grown up with him I've seen his show and the happiness thing and what she said is that a lot of times the people that she's spoken to

feel like the people are going to be better off without them even though we can probably say that they wouldn't be that's what like that's what depression will do to your brain convinces them like oh it'll be easier for them

if I'm just not here it'll be better for them even though yeah he had a daughter she had kids you know at first people were looking at it as him, Cornell, a couple of others were looking at it that this affects people who are on drugs at some time in their life. Right. So a guy like me and other people listen to this podcast and who were, you know, family,

we were all on drugs at one point. You know, this has to skate. Like, where is your mind going to go? Well, I mean, and I felt guilty, but that was my first, that was my initial thought when I saw that he had killed himself because I thought, because I had read either in one of his books or seen on one of the shows that he was on heroin when he was younger. And I thought it was another like Philip Seymour Hoffman thing and that he just started doing heroin again. And by accident he killed himself.

But it ended up being for, like that that must kind of suck that that's going to be people's first thought. If you're like pretty open about your drug use, that's going to be where people go. some people go. Like, oh, I wonder if we just did that again. No, I was thinking it as a fact that it's like, because for some people, after they get sober, they can't find peace. They don't feel comfortable in their own skin.

I've spoken to people for years about this because I was very scared of getting sober myself. That statement I made to you on the phone the other day is a true statement that I lived with for years. what are you scared of that your life is going to change that's what we're scared of that life is going to change so when I was on drugs all those years

and I would think about getting off cocaine it's not going to happen because number one I won't be funny no more I won't be spontaneous I won't be alive on stage boy was that a lie boy was that a lie you know as a matter of fact

I've become way of better of a comic since I gave up cocaine There's only one thing that was good about doing the cocaine and having that state that you just went off from time to time. But I still go off. Right. I still go off. And it's not controlled. I can't control it.

You know, it's the same thing as if I was on cocaine. So, but I have no regrets. But in your cocaine mind, you can't see yourself without the cocaine. Even the reefer, like before I got locked up, and I know we spoke about this a few weeks ago, I couldn't think. about going getting locked up without the reef. After I did a week, I was like, this ain't shit. Right. You know, we don't know how strong we really are.

We never know how strong we really are. And that's why I wanted to talk about this today, because I'm sure that there's people that listen to the show that have said to themselves at one time or another, Joey, did you ever think about? In my world, it was more from the age of 16 to like 18, 19. I wanted to kill myself, but I didn't want to be conscious of doing it. I wanted the drugs to do it or something to do it, you know.

As a matter of fact, when I did my little OD in 2005, 2006 in Beaumont, that was the tail end of that, I think. Nobody eats those pills. I knew I was well aware of what was going to happen to me if I kept eating those pills drinking Yeagermeister. And I kept doing it. So I could look you in the eye and talk to the people who listen to this podcast and tell you that, yeah, maybe a part of me still had that, you know. After the longest yard, I went through some shit because I thought the longest yard was going to make peace with me. All these things I thought that were going to make peace with me. And they didn't.

They didn't make peace for me. They didn't do anything for me. It just so happens that you have to do it for yourself. No movie, no movie star, no album, no music. Nothing's going to give that thing to you that we're looking for, except what we could heal. And once I found that out, my life changed completely. So, yeah, there was times I was low in my life.

I think there was one or two times 16 and 17 where I physically thought, I know one time at the runies, I thought of jumping off to George Washington Bridge, And right after my mother died, I thought of stabbing myself. But I didn't have the balls to, like, I just... It's weird how you're writing out, because I'm just going to say, sometimes, like, I've never thought about... I've thought just about the idea of it. Like, no, I haven't gotten to the point about, oh, let's do this now or like this. But it's weird, like, sometimes I'll get down on myself because I'll think, like, oh, you can never shoot yourself in the head.

And that's, like, that's not something you should want to be able to do. But it's like, oh, you'll get down, like, yeah, you won't be able to do it. Which is a weird thing to get down on yourself about. But your brain is just crazy. That's just, it's weird. It's scary what it can do to you. And especially with going back to Ordain, even if you take out the professional stuff, it seemed like he was personally happy recently.

He had a new girlfriend. He was in, I mean, he was in France. So it's every way you look at it you wouldn't expect it Yeah, it messes with me Parts of me are scared I scared because I wouldn't want my mind to do that I would never want to let me listen you're gonna die You take one look at me I'm halfway done already anyway

But The point being that I don't want to go out like that That'd be a That would be a way to hurt that or for me to do coke right now and to die would destroy my friends and my family

they would destroy it would destroy my daughter it would destroy my wife you know I could never do something like that like I said you're gonna die nothing you get God gives you so many heartbeats and once you hit those heartbeats

it's over you know there's not much you could do there's no negotiation there's nobody the saint lazers can't come and save you right but i would hate to go out those ways like i would hate to get back on drugs and go out that way i wouldn't want to let down you and my wife and rogan i wouldn't want to let these people down so right that's one thing you know oh absolutely and then the i think that's the scariest and also like the saddest part about it and the thing that like came to me was they're doing that in theory, hopefully, because something is so terrible that they can't deal with it. But it's not like a relief. It's just over. It's not like they finally get

to relax or like be okay with it. So it's not really a fix at all, unfortunately. You know, I always thought about what happens when you radiate and everything's starting to fail you and people aren't paying attention to you like they used to anymore and they have their own lives you know do you have the right to ice yourself you know like i've even thought of that theory like he after you're 80 some guy just did it in australia he had to fly to umsterdam because he was like over a hundred or something and he just he wasn't feeling well he was like a scientist but yeah that's a big thing going on there right now there's only couple states in America that allow you to do it.

I think Oregon is one of them. But it's not, I haven't, I haven't seen many of them for like just age. It's usually for people who are sick. But yeah, I mean, that's, I wonder if there would be like legal battle, like kids wouldn't want

their parents to do it. You know, when I was 16, 17, I really had nobody. And my mind was really playing tricks on me then. Like, my mind was really putting guilt trips on me then like guilt trips about my mother yelling for me and me not coming downstairs just tons of guilt trips and I was there was a period where my mind went dark for a while

even when I think about that period now and I want to write about it it seems like it was black and white in a black and white time in my life you know really had the bulls I got really fucked up one night when I lived with the Benders I went over the party at Joe Lucci's house and I really got fucked up I ate two quailutes that people told you just eat one and I ate two of them and I passed out and about four in the morning I woke up and went home and the word was out already so that was I had turned green so John Bender pulled me aside the next day and said bro it's all over that you were fucking dead for a minute or something like I was really

fucked up. Like, and I, part of it was me, you know, the pain inside was just horrible without a mother and what I was going through. No, but I never went into that coma and I lived. And it was horrible. It was horrible. And I kept going, you know, and this is why all these things shocked me. Like the Chris Cornell, the singer from the other band, you know, the Anthony Boyd, Dane, they shocked me because I was 16, 17. I was a young man. And once I knocked on that door, I was like, ooh, I'm lucky that door didn't open. You know, I'm very lucky that door didn't open.

But now at this age, I knew I would never even try to fucking ice myself. Like, no way. Like, that'd be fucking no way. I don't see it. I hope not. I don't see it at no level. But this scares me. This is what I have to look out for in my mind.

That means I have to talk to people. Like, I have to talk to people a lot. Like, this is the way to do it. Like, I always thought, like, suicide hotline and cocaine hotline. And all those things are kind of creepy, but now I'm starting to see it that they're not. You have to talk to people, you know, that you have to talk to people when you're feeling like this. And I always talk to my wife. I let my wife know everything.

A couple weeks ago I wasn't feeling too good And I pulled her aside and told And I'll tell people like that one night I felt really shitty Before I left the province that week That Monday I felt really shitty And I told Donovan at the fourth wall I was like I'm really scared of leaving

Because I don't feel good I don't feel up to par Like my body's not feeling well I'm not feeling well I would hate for my wife To have to fly to Tennessee drop off the baby And then fly to New York to see me in the hospital like I was even concerned about that

I mean we do go to the worst possible scenarios that's another scary thing the thing that I've always been a hypochondriac oh yeah yeah I'm very very much a hypochondriac you made a pretty funny statement the other day you said that and I thought about what you said you said that you had read something about how much LeBron James spends on himself

you know And it's so funny, I thought about your statement. You got to remember, Lee, there was a time I was spending a minimum, minimum of 400 a week on drugs. That's 1,600. How much were you making a month at that point? I have no idea. I sit here sometimes. And I, you know, you have to 400 times 4 equals 1,600.

hundred a month times 12 equals 19 to a year that's minimum you gotta remember i was getting let's just go for a gram a blow let's just go for a gram of blow times seven it's four 20 a week and i was getting a gram a weeded day at 20 bucks that's another 140 plus 140 560 that's 22 23 that's 23 just on drugs alone. So if I go to Jiu-Jitsu, right, plus I go to kickboxing, plus I go to cryo, right, plus I go to whatever, acupuncture, two of those a month, I'm still ahead. by 1500. Can you imagine that?

Can you fucking imagine that? So what I was spending on that was evil for my mind and my body. Now I spend a quarter on. And it's good stuff. And it's good stuff. A quarter of what I was spending. Between the kickboxing,

the cry all month, the fucking acupuncture. It's just amazing what happened. What the result is, what you get back from what you put in. How healthy my mind is, how healthy I feel, how healthy my eyes are, how how, just a lot of things that I wouldn't have been right now. So I was spending close to two grand a month. Now I'm spending a little under 500 a month and I'm getting a bigger result. How the fuck could that be? Think about that for a second. You know what? That's like that's a little bit.

like 400 a week. That's just, let's pretend I got high five days a week. That's five times 60. That's what? That's 300. Right. And let's say I bought a gram of weed six days. That's 120. I had a 140. So 140 and 3 is 440. That's still 1,800 a month. You have no idea. Plus, The road what I was spending on coke on the road. Because I would go on the road and spend my whole check. Oh, my God. I would come back with a hundred bucks. And no part of you thought, what do you think about saving during the day?

I'm going to start saving. There was no saving. There was no saving in my world. God. It's weird how different things affect different people. For 40 years, there was no saving. Fuck. And you weren't nervous about it at all.

I didn't open up a bank account so I was 43. Holy shit. Before I got off Coke at 45, I think. Right? Yeah, yeah. 44. I opened up a bank account at 43. I was putting like $5 a month in there.

I like $35 when I fucking quit the Coke in there, $33. So what would you do you just have all the cash you had on you? Yeah. At all times? Yeah. Jesus. Maybe put it to a hundred or three in the jacket and just leave it there for an hour. Because I would say I'm going to save this and I'd burn right to fuck through it.

And if there's a way I could get, like, it's crazy. My mind set was crazy, the way I thought was crazy. I was headed to do them, I was headed to failure. Everything about this plan I had was about making money, snorting first, and everything else was second. But I didn't have my nut high enough for it to affect anything.

I kept my nut small, so it didn't affect anything. So nobody could tell what I was doing. If I was driving a Mercedes and then you'd see me in a Subaru, you'd go, oh, something's going on. but I always kept everything small that's wild that you basically

did a budget but you got your everything else your apartment car to as low as humanly possible so you could snort as much coke no underwear you know just just bad bones of life but you have why don't you wear underwear now

that's the thing I still wear underwear you were during jitzu yeah I wore underwear all right I don't like underwear and jeans feel. You always wear jeans though. I like how underwear and sweats feel, but I don't like a underwear and jeans feel. That's like your weed thing, like, oh, we had Sunday, we got to smoke. You always wear jeans. I try to. I like jeans. But it's just

it, it makes you think. That's it. It's just really food for thought when people take their lives. and like I said, I don't know much about depression. I don't understand much about that mindset. I respect it. I understand it to a degree, but I don't understand it fully. I've been in situations where I want to jump off a fucking bridge more than 10 times.

Like most people in their lifetime have one hand, you know, the death of their mom, the death of their dad. Maybe they wanted to do something with their life. Maybe a heartbreak. You know, for me, I had heartbreak since I was younger. And yeah, most of it was inflicted by me.

I'm no fucking special case here. But you figure after the 10th time, you know, you just say, fuck this shit. You know, once you get into this racket that we're in, this is suicidal living. This ain't no fucking normal living. This is suicidal living.

To really be good at this, there's one point in your life where you have to just remove everything. And it could end in suicide. I hope not. I mean, it's, because it sounds like you're not afraid of opening up to people. Like, that's my issue with, like, that I like the therapist because I'm getting better at talking. I would never tell anybody before if I was feeling a certain way. I just didn't really feel comfortable doing it. It sounds like you're a little bit more comfortable, so maybe you don't need it,

but that's why I like therapy. Even just to get those thoughts out of my head, and I've said it before, but even if it's not that level of depression, sometimes if something's bothering me and I just say it, I'll realize while telling my therapist, like, oh, this isn't as big of a deal as I've been making it. I'll even tell that to her. But, like, I haven't really had, like, thought about suicide since I've had persons I've been with her.

But I don't know if I'd feel comfortable telling somebody. So I think that's why it's good that you do tell people, I guess. Maybe that's why you don't let it get as far. Well, me, I never, let's just get this out in the open. I may talk some shit and I may say some crazy shit from time to time. I do not understand the psychiatrist thing because I believe in the gift of friendship. Jesus Christ, that this was like I know of who.

I really do believe in the gift of friendship. I don't think people use it enough. I may have six friends in the world, but I know everything about you. The six friends I have, I know them inside and out. I know them better than they know themselves. That's what you do is having a good friend.

40, 50 years, 30 years. You're not looking for quality. You know? You're not looking for... Quantity. Quantity. You're looking for quality. I'd rather have two good fucking friends

than five mediocre fucking jerkoffs. So, because I have you, George, Lubez, James, Timmy, I got people. I know who they are. So when they're acting a little off, I whack them. And let them know, yo, the same what you do. You're falling outside that perimeter again. And because I have friends like that, I use them in the same way.

I can't see, like I can't see paying somebody to talk to them when you have good friends that you could talk to. And nobody knows you. like your friends. Like if right now, which I didn't think about, really, but I did in a lot of ways. You know, you have to trust your friends. So you go to four of your friends,

three of your friends, and you're doing a special. Help me out. When you start with people, there's something about the relationship you have. When you start with certain comics, when you're both in the lineup for a year or two together.

And then you break away. They know everything about you, the same way you know about that. While you're talking to that waitress, you're listening to their set. And you're going, he's doing that joke again. Ooh, he's doing that differently. Now, you know, you're learning about that person. So me, I've always had a hard time with psychiatry. Not because I don't like psychiatry.

Because I believe in my friends. If you have good friends, they should ground you. And you could get grounded just by talking to them on a daily. You don't even have to ask them. You don't even really have to ask them. You know what they're going to live with and what they're not going to live with. And the reason why you don't want them to know about certain things

is because you don't want them to know about that that you're living through that behavior again. Because they'll pick it right to fuck up. Who was mentioning to him? Bro, you're doing that thing again, aren't you? No, no, no, no. I'm just going over there once a week. We're not fucking with you.

That, that, that, that, that, that, that. You know, so I take pride in that. That I have friends, that I know I'm inside and out, and they know me inside now. Yeah, I mean, I think I'm not lucky enough to have at least that level of friendship with that many people. And then also even the ones that I do, I don't know. Now, there's a weird telling you. There's a pro and con to that. Okay.

There's a pro and con for that. The pro, the con is that your friends aren't really going to tell you the truth. But that's a lie. I'd rather hear the truth from my friend than the truth from a stranger. Why that? But do you think they will tell you the truth? Yeah. Yeah, I came from somewhere where they tell you the truth.

That's why I'm the way I am. All those years when I was slipping, my friends would mention things to me from time to time, and it would hurt my feelings a little bit. In fact, it would piss me off for a few weeks. but then I knew where they came with that, from what place they showed up with that. And it made my life a lot easier. And whether I changed or not, I looked at them a little differently.

Like they really cared. Yeah, at least they care, but did it take you, how long does it take you to open up to people? Because that's my biggest issue. It's hard for me to make friends because it's even just the little opening up is tough. But to tell someone how I'm feeling, like that's even tough. Listen, I've known Joe Rogan for 20 years. And there's a lot of things I can't tell him that I tell my friends I grew up with. So everybody's different.

Everybody's different. You know who's going to understand you, and you know who's not going to understand you. And if you don't know, you're going to find out the hard way. Right. You know what people can understand you and know what people can't understand you. What I could tell Ari, I can't tell Joe and Thompson go. they're too close-knit, their morals are two.

Do you know what I'm saying? I could tell Ari basically, there's people, you can just tell them, Ari, come in for a second, there's one down there, that there's certain people that you have certain friends,

that they're your friends, don't get me wrong, they're your best friends, but they wouldn't go over with that too good. So in a way, they're really not your best friends. You know what I'm saying?

In a way, they're good friends, but they're not. not all the way there. The kids I grew up with in Jersey that I talked on the phone still, they ground me. They don't let me believe this shit that's going on. They don't let me believe anything.

I'm still Coco. That's why I get mad at them when they call me Joe. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't like what my friends call me Joe. They're going to call me Coco. Because I still want to feel like that person. I never want to not feel like that person. Even if it's just for that conversation,

I still want to remember that that person is still closed by. That cocoa was still closed by. You know, it bothered me about the Anthony Bourdain thing and Chris Cornell because people were comparing it to people who had done drugs. One thing about me is that's why I always smoked pot. And as lame as an excuse as this sounds like, I was in two halfway houses. I was in three halfway houses.

Okay, I've been around people that are trying to get clean for 30 fucking years. I know people still today that are trying to get clean that I was getting high with. Okay, I personally know three people right now that I could call up on the phone that I was getting high with. We were getting coke from the same place. They're still getting high. I'm not saying that I know how to get somebody clean, but I know the ways to keep you there. okay because it's all a mental thing staying clean the biggest thing is losing something feeling like you're losing something that's why i continued to smoke pot because i didn't want to feel

like i lost something and i can look you in the face right now and tell you when i bring when i wake up in the morning this is when this weed gets me and i this is when i really need this weed throughout the day i'm just smoking to waste my time that's why i got to eat 22 of those mints that's why i got to eat 300, 400 milligrams of THC because my resistance is so high. I smoke it because it's like a blanket for me. It is a psychiatrist in a way. So even though things have gotten so bad on the Coke, you still felt like you were like missing something?

Yes. You're losing. Yes. Anybody who's been on drugs, any drugs at all, and they get off it, a piece of their life is gone. They won't tell you this, but it's the truth. They know it. They know that life is never going to be the same.

again and they really enjoy getting eye you think I did drugs that I didn't enjoy getting I I loved it I love meeting the girl like Kate Quigley and getting an eight ball and locking up in a hotel room doing disgusting perverted things and taking pictures and coming all over the place and feeling like a fucking lose the next day because that's what you feel like a complete loser when the cocaine is done whatever drugs you're doing are gone and you come down and you have that come down Some phase of your habit, that's a horrible feeling. That's a suicidal feeling also.

Yeah. Once the drugs are gone and you're like, wow, and all of a sudden your life comes up in front of you. And even though now you did the drugs, see, because you have this pain and you did the drugs and it shut down the pain for the nine hours or the eight hours that you were doing the drugs for. But even now that you're numb, the pain starts to recede at five or six in the morning. and that's when it really sucks when you're sitting there after nine hours of doing drugs

and the pain is still coming through but you can block it you're like wow that's amazing that the pain can still come through good it's good to know you know it's kind of a weird weird weird feeling because

something that never made sense to me is that I've heard it's a big thing in movie TV and I think in real life that people drink to forget stuff that happened. I've just luckily maybe never used to that. As lame as it always sounds, for me, the only thing that I can connect

to what you're saying is the way I am with food, which I know isn't as dangerous, but to me, like, the thought of trying to block pain with alcohol doesn't even, like it doesn't even make sense to me, but people must do it. They get so drunk, they can't remember it, or I don't even know how it works.

It's just to forget. You know, anything to forget, whether it's the weed, the pills, it's anything to forget, you know, to take you away from that moment in time. And it's, you know, living with that pain is very weird, whether it's, you know, a divorce or a child or a death or a death of a parent or a death of a friend or a fucking spouse. Pain is real, man. You know, and there's different ways to deal with it. And that's what it is. We all have to find a way to deal with that pain, how to control it, and then we win. You know, the pain's always going to be there.

The pain's always going to be there for whatever reason it is. You just learn how to work with it, you know. Where's Tony better that cuck sucker? It's Monday. June 11th, I don't have the answers, but we're just knocking on the door trying to find out why people do it they do. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Oh shit.

Some, somebody twice as smart as I... Fucking beautiful. Fucking beautiful. A fucking beautiful. to be true as you used to do with me. Let's give some shout out to my man Dante Gazzini, Lauren Rosinker, Bobby Sherritt, Bobby Lalingis, my man One By One podcast, Renee and Carson,

Brandy Lynn over there, don't forget her, GoFundMe page, my man Leon watching the fights last night, Cassius Morris, and the Man of Steel Scott Cunningham. Putting the fucking church page together with you motherfuckers. And a shout out to the fucking minister of defense, Dickie Syatt down there. And West Palm Beach, Florida, showing up with a big dick and a fucking bellyache.

You know what I'm saying? Ever since you gave him that poison. I didn't give him any poison. I brought up to the fucking taco place and shit. He's had poison. But no, it's just really weird that I wanted to bring this to the church family because I had been thinking about it. It affected me.

It takes a lot to fucking bring me down. and I wanted to talk to you guys to see how you felt about it. I know that a lot of people going through things that go on that page and people who email me and people who Facebook me, listen, man, just do me a favor. You know, I would love to tell one of your friends, one of your good friends, sit them down, take them to lunch. Even if you don't want to utter the word suicide,

don't say that word, but tell him that you might be calling them one night that there's times that you get thoughts just let somebody know let somebody know who you love somebody who loves you somebody who cares for you man we all have one

fucking person you don't have to sit them down and go Lee I get suicidal thoughts and then Lee goes blabs his fucking mouth and next thing you know people calling you no no no no that's why I'm I'm saying don't use that word just tell them that tell one of your friends that you're wrestling with something you know about your career that you might be calling them one night

you know let your friends know prepare that let them know that you're going through something you don't have to say suicide you don't have to say you want to take a swan dive you don't have to say you want to shoot yourself you don't have to use any of those words just tell them that you're going through anxiety even if it's those words those are the words I use because I really don't know what it is that I'm going through there's times I go through something before I go on stage

you know but there's times I'm in my office and I get so fucking frustrated guys that I kind of black out in a way like I just kind of like I'm going to pass out or something like that and I'm telling you guys because I need you guys. I need you guys to understand how this works.

I get so frustrated at some nights where I can't fucking see straight. And, you know, it's like that night that I didn't go to the Mitzie Shore thing, that I had that anxiety attack here and at home, and I wouldn't fucking take the medication. I wouldn't take the... I breathe through it. I dealt with it. You know, it's not always about a pill.

It's about a workout. It's about getting a notebook. You know, it's about. writing shit down you know I complained to you guys a lot the last two weeks about my sleep what I didn't complain about is whenever I can't sleep there's a trigger there's a trigger you're not that fucking stupid I'm no psychiatrist I didn't take four years as I help but I'm not that dumb you get a notebook and you write it out you feel something you got a notebook you write it out and then you read it I can't tell you how important

reading it is never mind writing writing it and then reading it and reading what you're going through really solidifies it in your mind really breaks it down to your mind it's not just writing it's reading what you're going through like i tell you when i fuck around with you guys and tell you oh my god yeah i robbed this fucking drug dealing we all get a little giggle that's one thing when i go home and write that story out and i read it ooh do i feel fucking terrible about myself Horrible, horrible, but while we're here giggling about it, we have a good giggle. You know, and I feel shitty on the drive home, and then I go home and write about it.

And then I read it, and it's not a fucking giggle. And you could do the same with your mind. Your mind is just thoughts, random thoughts. You ever can't sleep at night? What are you thinking about? Just random thoughts. That you have no fucking, you have no reason to be thinking about them half the time. half the time half the shit that goes in our mind

you should not be thinking about it's got nothing to do with your day today I was sitting there playing tennis with mercy you know we're just hitting a little circle ball and my phone went off and there was an email from my agent who am I bringing there's a feature to Cleveland in October if I was there I would have strangled them with both my hands because not only is it four months away but it's fucking Sunday and you want to know who I'm bringing to Cleveland

as a fucking feature act. That's what you're trying to tell me on a Sunday. These are things you don't need to worry about. Like if you bother me with that out there. Like at 22, I didn't know. I thought that was important. That's not important. You see how mad I get at you

when you hit me about, hold on the podcast Friday. We didn't even do Monday's podcast. Why are you worried about Friday for? So I've learned how to eliminate all those things over the years, but boy, I'm still fucking hard. I mean so I can't imagine where you go through and with other people when they hit me with emails on the podcast about Sometimes I'm a hard time. I can't imagine it because I'm the king of it I'm the king of eliminating that shit out of my mind

Sometimes it goes back to middle school There's something that some guy and some kid said to me in seventh grade that I'll never forget And like I said it on stage but there's I haven't found a way to make it funny yet But it's it's it's stuff like that not even doesn't matter it's not even like a week old it's 15, 20 years ago that for some reason I remember and that it just

you get stuck in your brain so that's I think it's similar to saying it to a therapist but that's probably why writing and reading helps you is it just out and you can see it yeah I don't want to I need to I need to read it

write it read it and then what's the word I'm looking for. Processing. You really need, like, listen, man, I struggle with a lot of the things I did 20 years ago. It may not

appear to you like I do, but I really do. Some of those crime stories are a little bit much. And if you're a regular human being with morals, you're like, what am I doing talking to this morrow? What am I doing listening to his fucking jokes, this fucking dumb podcast? I mean, because

they are a little bit much. and if you don't think I struggle with a lot of those stories you're out of your mind you know the other day I was thinking about Zeraita you know I was thinking about how I pulled that stunt on my fucking godfather where I didn't pay him the money you know and he died

God knows what he was thinking when he died but his thoughts weren't pleasant about me you know I mean there was a lot of people I led down over the years trust what I'm telling you you know it's it's not bueno I don't feel good sometimes yeah it's a different game

but I still did what I did and I didn't forget it and that's really fucking important that I never forgot about the things I did you know and I write them down and I wrestle with them

and hey it was a long time ago you know you can't cry over spilled milk but you also did them and you have to deal with the consequences And I do deal with them and I feel bad. You know, for every 10 kids that hit me from North America and Union City in Hudson County that say they're a fan, every once in a while I get hit me on Facebook saying,

my dad said you robbed him. You're a piece of shit, you know. He was your friend and you robbed, you know, shit like that. I get those once a month. And the people who say they love me, those are great emails. You know, that made me feel great. But those little simple ones that say I robbed a dad or I was involved in something, they bother me too. They bother me a lot too.

And I'll do just that. I'll take a notebook out, rip it out, go to a coffee shop and write the story out. And then read it, make some notes on how bad I feel or fuck him for what he did. Maybe I remember something that he did that antagonized the whole fucking deal. makes me not feel as bad as I should do, I deal with all this shit. So for all you people who hear me giggling with Lee and Joe Rogan and telling the story, that's my way of dealing with it. You know, it's like yesterday during the sports boot thing.

I talked about Anthony Bourdain. I cracked the joke. Even the guy from a sport who told me that they were laughing about it on the web page. When it comes to death, that's how I deal with it. is by crack. I dealt with so much death early on that the only way I could deal with it is by cracking a joke at a funeral.

I come to your dad's funeral, God forbid. You crack on a joke to you. And you're going to look at me and go, Jesus Christ, Joey, when does it end? But you're going to laugh. And you're going to go, that was a fucking good one. Because I'm not going to hit you with a bad joke at a fucking wake.

I'm going to throw heat at shit and make you go, Jesus Christ. That was a fucking sensational joke. You know what I'm saying? Do you think about it beforehand? Do you prepare a joke? Because it's funny that's how you deal with it is humor. Sometimes you go to awake and your dad's got a tuxedo on.

You know, a motherfucker never wore a tuxedo when he came to a comedy show. And he wants to wear a tuxedo on his way to have. You know, there's so many fucking things that happen on the wake. The funeral are just funny. Number two, if you know me, you know I'm going to hit you about what you get in the will. I'm always going to hit you with that. What are we getting to the will? Who do we have to hit that with a broom?

So you get a bigger fucking envelope. We have to bury your sister right behind the fucking funeral parlor. Do we have to crash your car, Princess Diana style? You know, what do we need to do to get your sister out of the picture? So we got a bigger envelope. We get the patio furniture.

You know what I'm saying? We need that patio furniture. We need to make a poker game here. Oh, my God. No, but I always add light to a death by cracking a fucking joke. It's a work for you. Yeah, I must.

When I found my mother on the floor, I cracked a joke in my fucking head. That's pretty crazy. On the way of trying to pick her up and revive her, looking at her black and blue arm from the heart attack, I cracked a joke. Because I needed that moment of levity. If not, I would have ran out of the fucking house crying. So I'll always crack a joke to myself or something just to level out the fucking situation, just to not make it as bad as it is. So please fucking work with me. on these little fucking details here.

And that's it and that's that. This is just a quick little fucking podcast to let you know how I feel about it, to see how you people felt about it, to see how you people deal with these things. And if suicide is fucking bothering you, like I said, bro, you got two ways to deal with it. You got friends.

You got friends. Plant the seed in their head, let them know that you're going through something if you're embarrassed to talk about it. And you have a hotline. But don't leave people hanging. Don't leave us hanging thinking what did we do or what could we have done to help you? That's a helpless fucking feeling.

That's a helpless fucking feeling. Don't do that to the people that care for you. You know, when I wanted to get off Coke, it was two reasons. I wanted to prove people wrong. And number two, I didn't want my wife Terry to find me. She didn't deserve, Lee doesn't deserve to find me on the floor. No. Some people, yeah.

You're a piece of shit anyway. You've done fucked up shit. There you go. A little something for the podcast, people. Can't start off a Monday without a good fart. You know what I'm saying? But this, I didn't want Terry to find me on the floor with a purple fucking arm.

And my nose all fucking black and blue from fucking snort and coke. And I didn't want that. I didn't want that. She couldn't handle it. And you have to think like that sometimes. You really do. You have to think about the people that love you

and the people that care for you. So before you do that dumb shit, like when I was doing all that dumb shit, it's because I would put in my mind purposely that nobody gave a fuck about me. Well, that's what I was going to say is that I think that there's a lot of people that feel like that. Yes. They don't have friends. I would put that in my mind all the time. Nobody gives the fuck about me.

So Lee, come rob this thing. I'll take the gun. You sit in the car and you go, why? I really want to shoot that guy. I go, no, no, no. Because if we get caught, you got a mom and the dad. I got nothing. So I would put in my head that nobody can.

cared for me that was my excuse to do the crazy things I did you know which who the fuck knows you know you do them and you move on and you live there and I don't live there no more I do not live there some of the things I did bring me down but I don't let them get me down they bring me down for a minute or two but I don't stay there I get myself out of there I remind myself of what I was the person who I was and who I am today and what I am today and I don't stay there because that's not who I am anymore at all. How long did it take you to be able to do that though? Years.

Took me years to deal with all these things. That's, I mean, you have to really be honest with yourself, but that's something that I think a lot of people can't do is be honest, either with their friends or even just with themselves. It's hard to be brutally honest sometimes. In 1990, I went on a mission to do something good every day because for years I had done something bad every day. And even if there was days I'd just shoplifted, you know, in 95 and 94.

But from 1990 on, I really make a conscious note to try to do good that if I had a dollar, I would give away 80 cents to somebody just for the bad things I had done before. Like I put that in my head. That's really in my head, even today. And today, that's what makes me feel. good about myself that I could help young comics that I could help some people out you know last week with ukey spooky I made it up to Ralphie you know that wasn't my thing I love Uki I would have brought Uki anyway I'd do anything for Uki but I wanted to do that for Uki and for

Ralphie it didn't mean anything to me you know I'm saying getting their plane ticket and flying her up what's the difference what's I'm going to pay it in taxes anyway you know but it wasn't about the 300 bucks. It was about the commitment of making somebody's day. That's what it was about. And for somebody not to make my day in the future, but maybe someday my daughter isn't in need for somebody to make a day.

And that karma gesture will come back to her. And the person won't try to fuck her or won't try to put a pill in her or soda or nothing like that. That's why you give people a respect they deserve. And you never have problems. You know, yeah, I was a piece of shit for 30 years, maybe for 35 years. But I'll tell you well, for the last 25, 30, I've been, you know, for the last 20, I've really tried every day to do something that I would never do before, something conscious to make somebody's day. Whether it's the cats, whether it's a neighbor, whether it's a ride, something.

Well, how much is having a kid change that? Do you look at her and not want her to go through these issues? Is that what makes you think about it? I look at her and I don't want her to go through these issues. And I look at her and I don't want her to get hit with a karma move from me because you have sins of your father that you have to live with. And I worry about that. There's a lot of creepy things I fucking did.

And I worry about that she's going to be a recipient of that karma that I did. You know, specifically four or five things that I'm scared of. But I pray. I try to be a good man every day. I try to help somebody every day. I try to take somebody's frown away to a smile. That's it. I'm not talking about giving somebody money or no, no, no.

Just taking somebody's frown away to a smile. Talking to them on the phone, maybe making them laugh, something. You know, checking in with somebody, letting somebody know they're not alone in the world. It's fucking good. It's good for you. It's little disciplines that you do to help you. You know, anybody could donate 500 bucks to something. That's not it.

That's not it. I want you to work for a little bit every day. I want you to get on the phone. I want you to have to. Mail something. I want you to have to something. Something to show the universe that you're a human being. You know, that's what I had to do after all those years.

Show the universe that I was a human being. That's tough. Because the universe is seeing your other sides. He saw all the wallets I stole, all the dumb shit I didn't, you know? But like I said, if anybody's going through stuff or whatever, please, before you jump or hang yourself, whatever the fuck you do. going to do to sad in our world talk to somebody that's the most important thing all right people talk to somebody people are there for you you'd be fucking surprised and it's the person you least expect but

you have your friends and if you got to pay somebody a hundred forty dollars pay somebody hundred forty dollars whatever it takes for you not to fucking jump off the building and that's it and that's that don't forget next saturday i'm at colusa casino it's sold the fuck out july 13th and 14th at the South Point in Las Vegas and July 26th and 27th at Wise Guys in Utah. I do not know when the Netflix special is coming out, but I'll let you know the date and we'll have a fucking party and we'll stream it and we'll do the whole fucking thing. Besides that, don't forget, Fuji Sports.com, geese, mats, shingards, boxing gloves, whatever the fuck you need, rash guards, Fuji Sports has it.

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And press in church Bam! And get 10% off your order delivered to your house. Don't forget, I love you, motherfuckers. We'll be back Wednesday morning, ready to rock, and I'll see you then. Have a great week. Have a great Monday.

Don't let nobody fuck with you. And remember, we're out there to help, man. So before you do that, Tuan Dive, make a fucking call. Have a great day. We love you, motherfucker. Stay black. Kick this fucking meal league.