The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #595 - Tom Rhodes

Episode Date: June 20, 2018

Tom Rhodes, a touring comedian for more than 30 years and the host of the "Tom Rhodes Radio," podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 06/19/2018.

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And that's it and that's that. Kick this fucking mule. The church of what's happened now, bitches. The 20th. Are you fucking kidding me or what? I'm all the time in heck, Judas Priest, British Steel 1980. Are you fucking kidding me?

Or what? What's the story, Tom Rhodes? What's up, Joey Diaz? I'm happy to have you back on here. Fucking the Christ killer in full effect. It's a beautiful day to be alive. That's a Christ killer, the original. Before fucking Jesus even knew about him.

He snuck up. Of course, Jesus left Chicago. Who was first? Chino or the Christ killer? Chino. Oh, Chino came first. Chinese guy came first before Jesus. First guy that smoked pot was Chinese.

You know that? Who was that? Some guy, Ming, I don't fucking know. Ming, wing. Fucking narco. I was like that. Confucius said, the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. And I always think, only a Chinese guy would walk that far. Fuck yeah. Confucius has some good motherfucking sayings. You know what I'm saying? That's why he was Confucius. He would confuse you.

He'd sit there. What do you tell him about stuff? I just want to go to the fucking store. That's like I just want to spare rib. I just want spare ribs I'll see it I've been obsessed with Since I went to Mongolia I've been obsessed with Jengis Khan

I read his biography Was he really that fucking nasty I haven't read that motherfucker Yeah and so they all they ate Was meat and you know And drank milk So the Mongolians had like really strong bones And they went down and rolled through China

And those different dynasties and kingdoms They were vegetarian So they could slice through their bones Really easily because they were so like kind of thin and brittle. So you mentioned China and I just think about the Mongolians rolling through. And they like to attack in winter. They loved winter because the rivers and the moats were frozen

and they could just roll right over it. And then in summer their arrows weren't as accurate because they were a little, you know, the heat would, you know, soften them up a little bit. Speaking of, because I had seen this and I wanted to look it up to make sure I was right, in the area where he was ruling in Asia 8% of the men living in that area are related to him So if you do like 23 and me or whatever that is Ancestry.com

In Asia you have like if you're a man They have 16 million descendants of Genghis Khan living today That's how many people he would have No they did so much fucking everywhere And he did apparently And so I did a show in Mongolia I'm gonna go back in August They're still Mongolia?

Yeah, Mongolia is amazing. And I'm going to go back in August. And that was my opening. I said, apparently everyone in the world is somehow related to Jenghis Khan. So I'm just here to visit family. Hello, cousins. I'm Chinese. Are you?

I'm a disciple of gangus. Yeah, I got some fucking gangis in me. You know what I'm saying? I would believe that. I bet my grandma fuck gangis somewhere along the line. But I didn't know. I read something about him when I was locked up. I read like a paragraph about Genghis Khan.

It was like guys, the meanest guys in civilization. He was a pretty badass ruler because he wasn't, and another thing, like under the rule of Jenghis Khan, no individual was ever held responsible for a mistake or an error. It was the community's fault as a whole. So I said that in my show and I said, so if this show doesn't go well tonight, it's all of our fault. How's Mongolia?

Is it cool? It's great, man. and people are so sexy there, like they're, they are high cheekbones and really just, just stunningly beautiful people. I, uh, they look like avatar without the blue, you know, they're just really beautiful people. And, and then, and they're, you know, super friendly, not a lot of people travel there. And, um, food is amazing.

It's meat on top of meat with a side dish of meat. And, uh, I loved it. And if you learned anything about the country, before you go there. They go crazy. They love it. Now, when you go to these places, what's your passport look like?

I'm on my fourth passport. I just got a new one about six months ago, which is too bad because my last passport, I had extra pages put in it twice, so it was really thick. And I filled it up. It was so great. That's the, you can't get more than two extra,

twice you can get extra pages put in it. That was the limit. That's as thick as an American passport can get. And, you know, it's beautiful. I got stamps from everywhere. How hard is it for you to get into those countries? Do you have to plan your tour and get visas from all these places? Or do you just book plane tickets?

Well, like China, for example, I've been to China so many times about five years ago. I don't know if they're still doing this. if you were a frequent, frequent visitor to China, they were given out the 10-year visa. So I got the 10-year visa for China, which is great because in L.A. you would have to go to the Chinese consulate,

which is like, oh, my God, where it's between Wilshire and 6th, somewhere down there in Korea Town, and it was a day. You'd have to, you know, to get in line and drop off your passport photos and the forms, would take a day and then picking them up,

a place was always really crowded and everything. So to have the 10-year visas, really a luxury. Now, when you do comedy in Mongolia, who comes? Mongolia was all Mongolians. There were two... There was an Australian guy and American woman, and they were the only two non-Mongolians there.

And the rest of the audience was... So Ulan Batar is the capital city of Mongolia, and they call it U.B. City for short. And the comedy club there is called U.B. City Comedy Club. And I think it seats maybe 150, and I think I had probably 95, 96 people. Great turnout. And I was interviewed on the Bloomberg television of Mongolia.

They were under Soviet rule forever. And so they just got rid of the Soviet Union, the Russians, like, I don't know, 20, 30 years ago. So, like, they're just embracing capitalism after not having shit under being communist forever. Now, what's the guy's name that owns a comedy club, like Qatar? Well, I demand the names there. I don't know, I didn't meet the guy that owns the comedy club. But the names there, there's a comedian there called Zol. solo and that's just what English people call him.

His name is actually like, you know, I'm friends of them on Facebook. He's the best friend I made there. I love this guy. But his real name is like 12 letters long. And then you meet people there with names like, I arrived at the airport and five Mongolian comedians picked me up at the airport. And it was great. They cheered when I came out.

And they just bent over backwards, showing me their country while I was there. You know, there are comedians, we're brothers. And the dude driving tells me his name is Steve. And I go, come on, man, I can handle your Mongolian name. What's your real name? And the guy goes, what? The guy's name was a noise. And I talked about it on stage.

I go, the guy's name was, and they go, oh, yeah, that's like a really common name in Mongolia. I'm like, not bullshit in you. And I go, okay. I go, what's your name? And the guy goes, I go, okay, Steve. You know, but like they got, they people, they're, their, their language is really sounds really melodic and beautiful. But some of the names are like noises you make after you've had a large meal. So from Mongolia, where do you go do comedy?

What's the next comedy club after the fucking Mongolia? What's the country next to it? Well, it's between China and Russia. So. Have you done comedy in Russia? Yeah. I know. But I've, I've been to St. Petersburg.

I've filmed. When I lived in Holland, I did a year as a presenter on a travel show. So I got to film a highlight on St. Petersburg. Incredible city. Lots of canals styled after Amsterdam. The Hermitage, probably one of the greatest museums in the world. Catherine the Great had people, agents going all over Europe, buying up Rembrandt paintings.

Rembrandt had fallen out of style. And so they got the largest collection of Rembrandt. brands it's pretty pimp now when you do china you've gone china yeah because ari worked china he goes there's all americans that showed up well yeah look at apple or something he said he was telling me i don't fucking know uh you know half the audience will be international people you know we won the language we won the lottery when it comes to the language the you know 300 years ago the international language of business was french now it's english because of the internet you know look at airline pilots they got to be able to communicate in english no matter

what country they're from to land. And I don't know if that's totally true. But I saw that on Instagram too. But didn't you hear that? Yeah, yeah. I think I saw it as like a fact. I don't know if any of those posts are real. But so when I'm playing in China, the audience is half the audience will be

internationals from everywhere. You got Australians, Canadians, Irish, English, you know, Italians, Germans, Germans, Swiss. and then half the audience will be Chinese American, Chinese Canadian, Chinese English, whatever, and then Chinese people who were educated in Western countries and love English language comedy. So it's usually half Chinese and half international in China.

Now where do you go to next? Now I'm going to Philadelphia. I'm going to be at the punchline in Philadelphia, July 20, to the 30th. And this is the first time I've been back in Philadelphia since I got this scar on my forehead.

Oh, since you got sober. Since I got sober. When I was so drunk in Philadelphia and I blacked out and fell off that bar stools like a tree and fucking busted my head open. And Philadelphia is a great city to get a scar in, you know?

That the couple days, I was there walking around and I had the fresh stitches on my forehead and I had a black eye. I got so much. much streak credibility from all the homeless dudes in Philadelphia. What happened to you big man? Did you get into a rumble? You know, it was great. How long ago was this two years ago? Four years ago. Four years ago. So you've been sober four years. Yeah. How's it feel? Feels great.

Yeah. Did you ever think you would be clean? Never. No, I never thought. Is that the way of this thing? Never ever in my life thought I would not be drinking and not be smoking cigarettes. It was such a big part of my life. I love, I still love booze, and I still love cigarettes, just trying to get some shit done and squeeze a few extra years out of living, you know? How long have you been clean from the cigarettes? Three years. Once I quit the booze, I thought, fuck, if I could do that, I bet I could kick the sigs. And the sigs were harder, definitely, you know. I'm still sucking on the nicotine lozenges once in a while.

Let me ask you this was the age? a big factor in this. Like for me, I could tell you that I got clean. Yeah, I got clean, blah, blah, blah. But I also think that I was just tired. I was tired of being in that position. It had been a long fucking time, you know. Yeah.

It's been like, fuck, 17 years that I hadn't had a day off. Like, I went on. I'm fucking hardcore. You and I when we met, you know, in Houston. We were both. That's why we hit it off so. well i committed like hey this is a guy who fucking goes as hard as i do yeah when i committed to comedy i committed to party yeah that i always that was my i always thought that being a comedian yeah they

went part of it was being the life of the party and being you know i don't about being the life of the party i just knew i had a party yeah i didn't want to be the life of the party and the one nobody know when i was holding i just knew that part of the mystique of getting into comedy was the drug part of it that would have no responsibility to life Yeah. Whatsoever. I did not have the same responsibility as other people had. That was part of me.

Part of the allure. Part of the allure was that, that I lost control, but I really didn't. That was part of the allure. That you lose control, but you really didn't. You know, I'm thinking about why I thought the Netflix special wasn't so good. You want me to tell you why? Because I got scared. That's not me.

I'm the type of guy I don't give a fuck when I go on stage. This is what I'm saying. This is how I'm delivering it. Either you're on board or you're off board. For years, that was my backbone of comedy. The last two years I haven't been thinking that way. You know, that pain to come see me. I have to make them go away happy.

Do you know what I'm saying? It's not what it used to be when you first started doing comedy. So that allure of being crazy is what really grabbed me about. comedy. If I wanted to go home and be in bed at 10 o'clock at night, I could have become a mechanic or a doctor or got a girlfriend. That wasn't. Once you become a comic, you commit to this whole other. That's where you get your material from. That's where you get your passion from. It's going into the unknown, not knowing. A lot of people can't go into the unknown, not knowing. That's a certain gift. When you go on a triple run, you basically go into the unknown, not knowing.

You know, you don't know what's going to happen on a trip or what it's like going to the points line in Philadelphia. It's not like going to the punchline in San Francisco. But life is such, it is like that anyways without drinking and doing, and I'm not, trust me, I'm not down on it. No, but it's like your wife put that much more on you. Few people in life can ever can do that. And you got the, it's the magic ticket. You're partying every night. You're partying every night.

Especially like in the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, you know. the 80s and in the 90s, it was like drugs were everywhere. And then it's, you know, free drinks everywhere. The comedy thing was living on a tightrope with no net. I thought I was part of the Rolling Stones. I just needed, had to catch up to the band. Yeah, me too. I didn't want that to be a net.

That was part of me, the reason I got into comedy. I was going against society and what society believed in. Right. I don't want to do what society does. I never want to do what society does. Never, ever, ever, ever do I want to be a part of society in that way. I always wanted to beat to my own fucking drum. Yeah, I'll do things that you guys do, but that's not the purpose why I'm living.

I never want to live for the Joneses. When I read Ladies and Gentlemen, Lenny Bruce, and he was living at the Chelsea, doing heroin with strippers, that was the life I wanted. If you woke up with chlamydia, you take a shot and you go back on stage on a Tuesday night. That's just the way, you know, that was the allure I got into it. This part, this life that I'm living now, with agents and managers and wives and children, this wasn't, I've accepted this. This is the next level of comedy. Every warrior needs to eventually move on to wise men.

But it's so funny, the allure comedy for me was saying, fuck you, the society. I had already done time. I was already considered a hell's angel, whether I wanted to or not. Society had already put a sticker on me. I'm a felon. If you're gonna ride this wave out, let's ride this motherfucker out. Why not be a funny felon? You know what I'm saying?

You know, like angry felons, they're all tatted up. I did time. Yeah, well, let's just be a funny felon, you know what I'm saying? Maybe there's an angle there. And that was it. That was the angle. I just wanted to be a funny felon. I didn't give a fuck where I woke up.

You know, when you go on a trouble one, you leave on Monday night, and you got on that highway, you don't know what's going to happen. That's tremendous. That feeling is tremendous. this people dream of that people go to bed at night jerking off someday i'm gonna be free i'm gonna leave this bitch and i'm gonna get in that car and i'm just gonna fucking drive people say that all the time they don't know that one day it might come real one day you're like i'm giving up my fucking apartment dog i'm doing comedy i'm living in my fucking car and people i did it it it's exciting

it's exciting no no people like are you crazy you can't live in your car watch me and it's like i said on this you know it's got to be the same when you travel and do comedy internationally when you commit to the universe the universe takes care the same thing happens when you go to mongolia you know i'm saying like you get there and picks you up anybody have weed for you anybody off no no no i would not no and i don't know what mongolia is but like i in certain places you just don't dab in china and those different countries in asia all of the penalty for drugs is execution. So I don't fuck with nothing.

And it's great now that I don't drink, so I don't bright-eyed, clear citizen. So China, Japan, too? Have you been to Japan? I don't know if Japan is death, but most all the other ones. I don't think Japan. I don't think Japan.

The Philippines. You know, in Japan, on prisoners on death row, they do not know their day of execution. when you're on death row in Japan, you wake up every day thinking this might be my last. I was in Japan earlier this year. I hadn't been in Japan in 10 years. I read all this shit about Japan. And that was one little factoid that I thought was pretty amazing.

And then also, if you commit suicide in Japan by jumping in front of a train, your family is sent a bill for disruption of service. Ain't that a motherfucker? I mean, those two facts are kind of sad, but to me like Japan's the one country that like I really like that's probably my number one Japan's amazing it's the Germany of Asia it's like it's efficient it's clean and they're fascinating people too

like the way they're so stylish like I saw this dude in Tokyo and he had full on yellow Adidas I put it on my Instagram this dude was like he looked like he was from Brooklyn and they like gold chains like he was a rapper like a hardcore Brooklyn rapper from, you know, 92, but it's a Japanese guy living in Tokyo. I was in Osaka about 10 years ago, and I saw these guys, and they were, you know, the car culture's big there. Like, you know, those kind of L.A. Hot Rod cars and stuff. I saw these dudes in Osaka. They were dressed like Mexican L.A. gangbangers with even the hairnets and the flannel shirts with like the buttons, two on the top and the white shirt underneath.

These dudes are just like, like in the 80s when you'd see like the real 80s and 90s movies where you see like movies of L.A. Mexican gangbangers. These guys studied that. That's going to be my style. You know? See women over there wearing like fishnet

stockings and like a raincoat buttoned up and like stiletto heels. Like what pervert has invented that style? It's just fascinating culture. they lock on to. It's funny when I lived in Hollywood, a Japanese woman lived in my building, who was pretty hot, very hot, very sweet woman. Had a black boyfriend real cool,

and she used to wear some outfits that you would sit there and get me and my wife would just look like our head would just shake. And she was a mom. She did not give a fuck. Hot pants with fishnet stockings and sneakers with no toes, blue hair. You know, she was just stylish as shit. And I used to snorke on that building. And she would do power yoga at 4 in the morning. That's the only time she could do for yoga. She would leave the house at a quarter of the 4 and walk from Schrader. And between sunset and fucking Hollywood Boulevard,

and she would walk. This was way before the conglomeration of Hollywood. This is, I'm talking about 2000, when you could get mugged in Hollywood. Well, it was still gritty. When it was still gritty. Masayo is her name. I used to call her. Ma. Messiah?

Messiah. I used to call her ma. I love him. I still talk to her once a month. We stop over there. We say hello to kids. But she would fucking leave the building at the corner of four. I'd be coaked up looking out the window and I'd see Messiah walking down the street

fucking to yoga, power yoga with hot pants and heels and socks on, you know, just the craziest outfit. She would change she cuts hair. So she would change her hair every fucking week. I never saw nothing like that, my life very neat very cool and very real it wasn't an outfit she that's was who she was right like most people

have to get up and plan and go to the tailor and you know shaved their no messiah did everything there's some people who fake the funk she did it perfectly and she wasn't faking the phone i think the style setters for the world are young american uh young black males in america and young young Japanese girls and women. I think they are the, if you go to Japan, whatever like young women are doing, you're going to see that five, ten years later, all over the world, the way, like,

black American males, you know, the same deal. Now, when did you fall in love with traveling? Because I will tell you one thing. I don't know dick about dick. But you are, out of all the comics I know, the world travel. I mean, you really, Have you used it to your advantage, this comedy thing, to travel and see the world?

Yeah. So, again, some people fake the funk when they travel. They just want to seem interesting. So it'll tell you about these places that are cool. And I've been to a Biza. You know, that's great. Yeah. You're still a fucking jerk off.

You got Chlamydia from fucking that shit. What's that shit where they scroll left? Tinder? You see L.A. is, like, fucking, on fire with Conorrhea and Comedia. Oh, right. I've seen the billboards around L.A. Yeah, I'm glad I missed all that shit. I'm glad that wasn't around when I was, I never did online dating, never did online hookups, all that stuff.

But to what, where I started traveling, you know, I always had wanted to travel. I had a great career as a comedian, you know, with, you know, Comedy Central in the early days. And then that sitcom, I always loved that story that you tell when you saw me after my sitcom was done. At the improv. And you said, I was sitting at the bar by myself. And I looked like I didn't have a friend. in the world. Yeah. I love this story because like it's true. It's true. It's true. It really is. And I didn't

you know, I... Yeah, once your show gets canceled, people don't call back no more. Everybody in LA treats you like you got cancer. Yeah, it's fucking... And then all these people I thought when my friends stopped taking my phone call, you know? And like, it was fucked up. Just the way people treat you in L.A. after your show doesn't make it. And it was like, I'm still Tom Rhodes. I'm still a great comedian. And I thought, fuck this town. And I moved back to New York. because I had lived in New York when I was 20 like a dog. I moved there from Florida to be a comedian full of dreams.

Wasn't good enough. I could only afford to live in Washington Heights. This is 1987 as crack was coming to the neighborhood. There'd be gunshots in my neighborhood on Cabrini Boulevard where I lived in the morning. There'd be smoldering, burned out cars. People would steal cars in lower Manhattan and drive them up there. Okay, yeah, under the bridge. Just set them on fire.

Yeah, tremendous. That was a great place. I'm sure, yeah, that's funny. They're like, I'm living there terrified, and you were the guy, tipped out away with the lighter. What you do is, that's where you took your car,

it's a fact. If you want your car, it's a fact. Yeah, so that's where I lived. And then that's all I could afford to live in 1987 and 20 years old. Leave the car in the ignition.

Yeah. And put $20 and then the driver's. $20 for what? So I had lived... So I could tell you the right way. So I, so I'd lived there like a dog. And I always swore if I ever had any money,

I'd live in New York with style. So when that sitcom finished and then, you know, showbiz going ice cold on me in Los Angeles, I moved back to New York, got a rock star apartment in the Wall Street area, and I looked at all that money I had as my NBC artist grant. So I started, I was like, man, I got dough,

I can do whatever I want. So I started taking trips to London. And I was focusing on New York. I was still doing road stuff in the States. My favorite places, you know, San Francisco, Atlanta, Minneapolis, Chicago, Seattle, you know, still my main places I love to play. And then I started making trips to London,

and I got in with the Comedy Store in London, and then I started playing, London started bringing me over regularly. And London's a really exciting, great place to play. Especially then there were so many clubs, and the clubs paid decent. And then it's like, you know, nobody in Europe knows that,

I had some sitcom, they don't give a fuck. All they care about is, oh, my God, you're a great comedian. Let's have you on our stage. Let's invite you to this party. Let's come with me, whatever. And then that led to gigs all over Europe. And then I, you know, I'm playing in Amsterdam and Paris and Berlin. And then I fell in love with a Dutch girl.

But also, you know, ended up moving to Amsterdam. But getting in with London was the key to the world for me. So that also led to gigs in Asia. And then comedy festivals in Australia. And that's how it kind of started. You know, I always wanted to travel. My mother's from Argentina. I had never been there at that time.

Now I've been there three times, you know. And it's, I've had a really beautiful life as a comedian and that it allowed me to travel. And then all these magical things happened to me, like, ended up, you know, being offered my own television show on Dutch television and doing that late night talk show in Amsterdam for two years. And then I was like like I said, I never liked soccer before I moved to Holland. I was like

that's kind of a girly sport or whatever, but like the Dutch are fanatical about it, the English are fanatical about it. So I really started to like it and get into it there. You know, I interviewed a couple of the Dutch soccer players on my late night talk show. And

then finally going to Argentina, the you know, the land of my mother, my family and everyone in Argentina, that's all they care about. That's their main passion in life. So I went to a soccer match in Argentina that ended in a riot. My family in Buenos Aires, their favorite soccer team is called River Plate. And my cousin Fernando took me to see River Plate play Kilmes,

which is a factory town 20 miles outside of Buenos Aires. Really intimidating. We go into this town and it's dirt road. and there is cops everywhere. I mean, the most vicious-looking cops you've ever seen in your life. And they're holding shotguns, and they're holding axe handles

with just the wooden part of an axe without the top part on it. And they're just looking at you as you're coming into their town, like, please give me a reason to bust your skull open. And then some of them had German shepherds, and it's like, holy fuck.

So this is how, like, insane South Americans are about. soccer. These people will, you know, just lose their mind and go berserk. And the home fan sits separate from the visiting fans and there's a wall that separates them. You can't even bring lighters into the stadium. The people checking you and there's like a big pile of lighters. So I don't know who started the fire that eventually happens in this story. So Kilmas is, and there's a wall of razor wire around the field, not barbed wire, razor wire, razor. wire, a tall, big wall of razor wire.

So Kilmuss is losing four to nothing. And the home fans were so upset at their own team for such a poor performance, they set fire to their own stadium. And this is a South American, you know, concrete stadium. So I don't know, whatever they, debris, clothes, paper, you know, Coca-Cola cups. I don't know what the fuck. Or if somebody brought in gasoline, all of a sudden the other side of the stadium, is engulfed in flames and all the we're on the opposite side so there's this big gap opens all the

people over there are now getting away from the fire there's a massive fire on the other side of the stadium and then these lunatics like 40 or 50 people on the other side of the stadium are trying to get onto the field and they're climbing the razor wire and then like a hundred riot police came streaming across the field in him the players scattered because it's all of a sudden there's a fire and all these fucking lunatics are trying to get on it. They're climbing the razor wire. And these fucking, like a hundred riot police in helmets and batons

just went streaming across the field. And they're just fucking beating people off the fence. And then they shot tear gas into the stands. Jesus. It was fucking, it was pretty intense, man. And then they let, then everybody had did, they canceled the match. It was like 20

minutes left. The game's done. The Kilmas has forfeited it. They've lost it. They, and this was on a school night. So they made us wait in the stadium for two hours before they would let it. They didn't want clashes in the streets. So I don't know why they didn't keep the home fans locked in there first, you know. But they let the home side out first.

Because they said fired to their. No, but I mean, but they live there. They could have waited. I mean, it's a school night. Everybody's got to work the next day. So all these people from Buenos Aires for the river plate, they made us stay in the stadium for like two hours. And these people are getting restless and they're banging on the big steel walls to be, doors to be let out. And then these fucking Kilmas police start shooting tear gas canisters into the stadium to where we are waiting to be let out.

and these Argentinian people were very used to tear gas canisters because they just nonchalantly picked them up and threw them back over the wall and shit. I was like, oh, fuck, this is intense, you know? But it was, I would rank it among probably one of the greatest experiences of my life. Really? It was so cool. I mean, at the time, I was he,

and especially when the tear gas started coming over, did like everybody there's this animal instinct when you're in a crowd if you've ever been in a big crowd when some shit happened like you can imagine like gunshots go off like how the way people scatter so there's a certain animalistic uh instincts we have when shit happens so there was there was a couple moments when you know the the crowd surged and people started uh you know um pushing as a whole they were a little terrifying but it was pretty intense weeks a year do you travel? You know, my wife does the finances, so I was on the road more days

last year than I was at home. So what I've done in L.A. is I'll be on the road two weeks a month and I'll be on the road two weeks a month. But, you know, there's been, like last year I went to Asia for a month. It doesn't always work out like that. Does she go with you on those long trips?

She went with me to Hong Kong a couple months ago. And she'll go to the cities that she loves. New York in Chicago, you know, in Austin, Texas. Listen, no offense. No offense to anybody to listen at the house, you know, into this podcast. But Anthony Bordane's dead,

and I don't feel so good myself. You know, you really enjoy this shit. Listen, I know people who fake the funk in LA and they do anything to be cool and, you know, they buy the second-hand clothing and all that shit. You know, you're real from the heart. Yeah.

This is a show you have here. This is a show that it's so weird how in today's world, you really don't need a lot of things that you think you need. You know, like right now a guy like you could have your wife come with you on those trips. Tape you, tape you interview on somebody. You at that fucking club. Yeah. You at a restaurant.

That's a nine-minute episode. You cut it and you put it up and you get a travel pack or a fucking something that's that every traveler needs. You get them to sponsor your little TV show. And even if you fucking make a minimal amount of money, just enough to cover the wife and you and the plane ticket and that shit. Yeah. It's really worth it to show people your experiences. I mean, I said.

And then also comedians around the world and what are people making jokes about? And other parts of the world. I mean, we've talked about this because. Yeah, by the time you pitch this and sell it, it'll be 20,000, 22. You're in no danger. No, but I've already, I've had this idea for a year. Yeah, you have to attack this. You're going to attack this.

I was filming this. You have to film this. Videos wherever. I made a pilot on Malaysia. I did a lot of different things. Yeah, this is. But check it out. Last year, my wife and I came up with a great format.

I had the idea before, but then she, like, structured a formatted show. And we chose 10 cities around the world and made a structure of what those episodes would look like and the people we would talk to and the things we would do and uh example episodes basically so pitch at the cnn pitches the comedy central pitches to the travel channel and they all passed yeah no they're not they don't even see the vision they don't see what i see the problem with today is that they well one of them said uh you know what if you had a younger ethnic guy traveling with you so it's like that's all la people now they they want diversity you know we're not talking about diversity we're talking about a show you being the same thing I see look at let's be honest

let's be honest let's draw our cards on the fucking table I barely like the six-hour flight to New York I barely like that flight okay if I'm the type of guy when I went to prison to the prison psychology department does a fucking test on you and the guy came to me and then he goes if I had something that you wanted I'll give it to you because if you really wanted you'll take it anyway And I got really offended. What he meant by that was, if I want something, I'll do it. You know why I don't travel overseas?

I don't like that long plane ride. I just don't like it. It's not me, guys. It's not me. Plus, when I go to Jamaica and I see those skinny chickens, I can't eat that shit. I can't eat that shit. I'm not into that shit. I'm very picky.

Well, I tell you, I like those long plane rides because one of my obsessions is my Delta frequent flyers. status and I've hit diamond two years in a row. This year they made it even harder. So this year you got to spend, it used to be 125,000 miles, not bonus miles, not kicks from the credit card purchases and shit. That is 125,000 miles sitting in the seat, which is very difficult to do. So now they've raised it to 140,000 this year. And then you got to spend like $15,000. What do you get for Diamond status. Diamond is the best. So you get to use the first class lounge every time you fly.

You're bumped up. I get bumped up to first class probably 50% of the time I fly. And then you get these choice benefits. And where you could use like eight coupons for like, not coupon, whatever, certificate, whatever you want to call it, to ensure that you're bumped up to first class. or you can use it for like four internationals. And that's what I always get. So I love the long international flights

because you're fucking smashing it on the miles. And I can use these international upgrades. And man, at first class, when you're on an international flight, it's like you're depressed when you land. It's like, oh my God, you got the bed sleeper, you got movies. You got real silverware and real food. It's not like that throw a sandwich at a motherfucker in economy.

I mean, you're talking like, you're talking like steak and whatever and, you know, bringing around the warm nuts and just, and I don't even drink anymore, which, you know, people, there's, you know, they got high-end wines. If you look at, I've read something about the breakdown of what of how a flight makes its money.

Like, each flight, 60% of the profits is from first class. So it's like the airline really does. doesn't care about the people in the economy. So it's like they want to like please those people in first class. That's why like the first class lounges get nicer. The way they treat you in first class is nicer. And it's like it's it's almost you're bummed out when you get there.

It's so nice. So I'm, and that's another reason why, you know, I'll go to Europe a couple times a year. I'll go to Asia. I'll go to Australia and do gigs because I mean I love going to those places. but also it's I love

being diamond level on deltas. I could have a helicopter on this roof within an hour, baby. Let me know. I hit the app. Boom! I'm kidding. And then also you get like a, you get like one or two free companion tickets

within the United States. You can bring your spouse or your partner or whoever for free with you. There's a really lot of nice perks about it. And when you complain about something, they call you back instantly. They really, they really,

those are the travelers they care about the most. I mean, Delta or any airline. I like Delta. I love them. And I'll tell you what I used to do. They got a 20-minute guarantee that you'll get your luggage. That's great.

Unless you get 2,000 free miles or 1,000 bonus mile. Yeah. You get 20 minutes to get your luggage. So I stop. I get a taco. By the time I get downstairs, my luggage is that pick it up, and Uber picks me right up. I got my own little Armenian Uber driver. Well, now, here's another thing with Delta.

When you're diamond level and you got a tight connection, you get off your plane, this has happened to me twice. You got a tight connection or even when I was in Seattle. I had plenty of time. I didn't, but they did it anyway. I guess it was slow for them. I'm getting off the plane. And once you step off the plane to go into that little tunnel, there was a woman standing there with one of the little iPad and had my name on it.

I'm like, that's me. She goes, oh, and then she opens up the door. You don't even go up the tunnel. You go down the steps on the tarmac. If you look on when you fly Delta, look out when the plane lands and you're waiting to get off, just look out the window. Delta's got, at every airport in America,

these portias, and as I say, Delta really small on the window. They got a little fleet of Porsches for their Diamond elite passengers who have tight connections, or they just want to spoil them. So I've only had that happen to me twice. But Stanhope, I've talked with him about Stanhope, that's like a thing. You're like, whoa, it's really nice.

And the woman in Seattle, like, I had plenty of time. And she just like, oh, we just wanted to let you know, thank you. We appreciate your diamond status. And then she drove, because I didn't have a tight connection. She drove all the way around the airport. And like, you know, big planes and you're in this Porsche. And you're like, oh, my God. And the woman goes, well, and she dies back.

And she goes, well, so do you need anything? And I said, well, I got another, I got an hour to my flight. Can we take another lap? She goes, yeah, of course. I go, just drive a little slower this time. It's really great. I mean, it's pretty pimp. American used to be my airline, but after they merged with U.S. air,

I think they treat you like animals. I think the attitude of their employees changed. and I've had people dispute because Burke Kreacher loves American so you know but he's first class level he whatever the diamond equivalent is for America

I never reached that on American I never reached that level I've been flying American for 20 years with Rogan and all those UFCs were first class tickets right well I used to be and then I I'd have a few employees treat me like shit and after that U.S. air merger

I thought they're the airline and I was a proud American guy. I fly through three. I'm an American Delta and JetBlue guy. It all depends where I'm going. Right. I'm very loyal to Southwest too. San Jose.

I can't deal with the corny jokes on Southwest. Listen, I got to hear phones. If anyone lost $300 wrapped in a red rubber band, we have found your rubber band. I grew up in Orlando. They would tell that joke on the jungle, And like Southwest is still rattling off these like I don't I put the earphones on I get the business select But I tell you what I what I used to do I'm a clear guy too yeah I use clear I'm a I'm a club

That's another thing you get with diamond for Delta you get clear for free yeah eight bucks you get fucking flight You get clear for free it's so great in LAX and there's like a mile of line a mile long yeah And you go straight to my god I love it I love it L a X and everybody in lines like who's this fuck Why does he get it? And you're just cut in front of people, moms and shit with kids. So you can go and sign up per flight because I didn't want to do it every month? No. No, you sign it.

You do it for a year. I take two flights per month. So it's $180 a month, $180 a year, right? Oh, I don't know. Because when you're Delta Diamond, you get it for free. It's $180 a year. So I take what, $20, 30 flights a fucking year? Gotcha.

Okay. So it's like $6 a flight. It's worth it to cut, but a lot of airports don't have it. It's starting to fucking piss me off. Yeah. But some airports. But some airports have it. 80% of them have it in this day.

Yeah, shocking. And if you have to pay for it, it's worth it. But with Delta Diamond, you get it for free. But I'll tell you what I used to do. Because, you know, a comedian, you're struggling, and you got to, you know, you got to be economical. For years, I would go on Expedia or orbits, and I would always get the cheapest flight. No, I don't do that shit. So I got tired of being treated like an animal.

And about five or six years. And, you know, and I would always try and get America. And you don't really get a cheaper flight and expedient. No. You don't really get nothing. You don't get a deal. It's not a deal. It's a bullshit story.

No. And so those are the passengers that they give the least priority to on a plane. Yes. You are boarding in zone six or seven. There's no overhead space when you get when you get on the plane. And you're going to get like a fucking middle seat. They don't give a shit about you. So, you know, but I would I would lean towards American because I was trying to build up the point set.

And then they pissed me off in three or four times, which made me say, I'm going to stick with Delta. And about five or six years ago, I made the choice to buy all my tickets with Delta and only fly Delta, even if it's $50, $100 more. And in the long run, that's better. And because I get treated like a king on Delta. And another thing, you get to board with first class, even if you're, you're. not in first class on diamond when you're diamond which is great because then you get on you're the first one on the plane you can put a tuba in the overhead you got all the space in the world i do that every weekend i don't fuck around dog i'm the first one off the plane and the first one on the

fucking plane i'm in one fucking d every week you understand me i got that little thing we're so you're always in first class i always fucking first class i've been with american for so long I get my agents to get more money from the clubs. I fucking finagle miles. You get them to pay for first class chickens? I get them to pay a little more. If they pay $750, what's first class, $8.50? So for a yardstick, I travel like a doctor.

What do I give a fuck? Right. What do I give a fuck for a hundred hours? I travel like a fucking gentleman. I don't ever want to get stuck on a long flight to New York and the back on the economy. That's not going to have. Or in the fucking middle.

or on the way back on the way back Papa don't want no drum Papa don't like drum on the way back at all Papa gets up for the first flight Papa don't want to wait on no lines Papa ain't got no time

Papa didn't take no mess Papa gets to the airport early to have eggs I want to see the yolks I don't want to see no yellow eggs you got yellow eggs we don't do business I want to see the yolks you understand me and I want to see the bacon don't give me those airport

eggs and like, that's like stadium beer. I'm going to have a headache for four days and shit blood. That's not happening in my world. I don't do much. I don't bother nobody. But when I fly, I don't want no drummage. Yeah. I mean, as a comedian, you spend so much time flying.

But that was the thing. I was getting beat up for years trying to get these cheap tickets. And then it finally dawned on me that that's the way for suckers, man. You know, people who fly once a year. I know scams that nobody knows. Why? because I've been flying for 27. You follow me?

Yeah. Plus, you've got to remember, but I've been flying. My wife, I went to Disneyland last week with Mercy for her graduation. She graduated pre-K. And my wife said, when was the last time you were here? I was 10. And I had thought about it.

I came out here by myself when I was 8, 9, and 10. I went to Disneyland with my uncle. I paid for my own plane ticket. I've been flying on myself for years. I used to come up on myself. My uncle would fly east and we'd fly out together. And then I'd take the plane back. back to New York by myself.

I've been flying for years. I love it, but I know how to scam people now. I know what, listen, you're never going to upgrade to New York, Chicago. We haven't been with the airline that long. Those go out with people that have been there for 30 fucking years, and they make our traveling look like nothing. Yeah, or they got good companies are paying for their first class job. You're never going to get to upgrade.

I got to run to the bathroom. Go ahead. Take your time and hurry up. Let me get some shout out here real quick. That's what happens when you get old. You got to pee every fucking ten minutes. That's right. Even if you don't drink fucking booze, you got to pee.

How about Eddie Torres? A shout out for him. My man Joe Grant. Tony Ruhl Jr., Deborah Hubster, Zander Wilson, Stefan McBride, Jason Padroni, and Joseph Harris. I love you, motherfuckers. Don't forget, don't forget, July 7th. I'm at the Ice House 730, working out with Uncle Joey.

And don't forget, July 13th and 14th. We're at the motherfucking South Point in Las Vegas. Lee's banned for life, so you won't see him at the South Point, but don't worry about nothing. We're still doing bong hits for Jesus. Don't worry about nothing. But it's good that you're learning about flying people because it's fucking... Dog, nothing bothers me more than when I see people get crushed. Two weeks ago, we all flew to Vegas.

I go, Lee, take the fly to the bird bank. He took the flight, like a fucking mukiaq that he is, but then he started to pay 60. for the fucking, for the lift. So it's $120. So that, if you, for the extra 80, you fly right over here like a doctor. And you follow me? Yeah, no, next.

Sometimes the mad, no. It wasn't 60, it was 35, but no, I should have flown, I should have just pre-bought. Like, that's the thing with you guys, if you buy your tickets sometimes, right, like, in my way. When I get the fucking date, right when they call me, before I agreed to the date.

First off, I love Delta. I love. American I love JetBlue. United's the Puerto Rican airline. You take them if you're in a tight situation. Any time you think about taking United you just pull up that video on YouTube with that Chinese doctor being pulled off. That Chinese doctor, you won't see him again. I wish I'd take a beat like that. That guy's on an island getting his dick-suck. He's got a blonde licking his asshole right now blowing darts into his asshole. You haven't heard from China man, have you? You haven't seen him pop up in any videos and none. He's at a bank right now just giving everybody 20. Suck

dick right now. Who gives a fuck? He starts the blood on his face from United. He got a tattooed on his face, the little bloodstain he had when he was yelling out. But I was going to say, during, I come on a... First thing I judge is what time you get me back? You told me you always

get like the first plane in, the first plane out. I've thought about that. First plane on. Okay, so if I have to beat your club Thursday, one show. If I could fly out at five or six and being your town by two, I'll be in the hotel by three. That's four hours.

I can take a shower, take a two hour now, get room service, or eat downstairs and still make it to your club for one show. You told me that a couple years ago. I've done it a few times. I'm not coming in Wednesday. A lot of times, and I'll take the first 6 a.m. flight out, which I got that tip from you, which is a great, because boom, you're back in L.A. like fucking 10 in the morning.

You're back in the morning. You want to sleep? Sleep in your own fucking bed. Yeah. But for me to sleep half-ass to 11, get up. I got to be at the airport at 155. The flight's delayed. Then by the time I land in LAX, it's all hell in LAX.

It's 430. It's packed. The 405 is packed. The Dodgers lost. Everybody's pissed. Fuck you. I'm not getting home till 6.30 at night like a savage. No, that's not worth it.

Just get out of there early. Get the fuck out. Two hours you get to the airport. Two hours. That's a great tip, man. I used to. And I hate it. I hate it.

I would always think, oh, well, you know, I'll get like a late afternoon flight back. So I don't have to, yeah. I even work with. the Agostino was too late for him to get a plane ticket because I got so busy with Netflix and this and that I didn't get the plane ticket to Colusa Casino so I didn't get him a plane ticket so I said to Agostino I just give you cash just due to the drive and Saturday day we were talking because the gig was Saturday night so I go digistino

drive up Friday stay at your sisters because you always go to Sacramento anyway to see his sister I go then drive Saturday to the casino and blah blah so Saturday I'm outside spoke on a number with him and he goes on I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow. I go, listen, bro. I don't know if you know this. The worst drive in the world, for me, is that San Francisco, Daly.

Why? That's a great drive. Take the 101, take your time. No, no, no, no, no. Listen, I'm 55. I got one from the grade one of banana, that's five hours, no matter how you slice it. Maybe four and a half of you're lucky.

And there's always traffic. Stop and get some Anderson's pea soup. No, no, nobody? I don't want to pee soup. If I want pee soup, I watch the exorcist. Leave me the fuck alone. I've had P-Soup. I'm 55.

I ain't got much time. I ain't got five hours to drive and wave at people. I think of these wave on down the 101. I ain't got that type of time. Yeah, I'm the kind of guy that'll stop at a roadside stand and buy some cherries. I used to. Oh, it's cherry season. There used to be a time when I loved all that shit.

Yeah. Now I got a five-year-old. You know, I can't go to San Jose. Get my car at 11 o'clock at night and not get in until five. And then you don't fall asleep until 630. And then you sleep two hours, your whole day is fucking ruined. That's how I used to do San Jose. That's why for years I didn't do San Jose.

For years, they would call me here. You want to fuck now. Because you guys won't go for the plane ticket. I'm not doing that drive. I'm not doing that fucking drive. I hate that drive. I remember quitting the San Francisco comedy competition and 98 and renting a car

and driving back and going, I'm never doing this drive again. Like, this was a big fucking mistake. But at that time, I had money from a company. commercial, Taco Bell commercial. Yeah. And I was such a Coke fiend. I still slept on the beach. I'm like, I just spent $200 on an A ball.

Well, I just paid a $59 for the hotel room in Santa Cruz. What the fuck is wrong with me? And I finally got a hotel room. That is the worst drive. Well, I used to drive all over the States, you know? We all did. Yeah. But no, no, no.

But I mean, like in recent years, like when I wasn't living anywhere, I still had a car. And when my dad was still alive, he lived in Anaheim, and my mom was in Orlando. So like if I would go to Asia, I'd leave my car in L.A. with my dad or go to Europe, leave my car in Florida with my mom. And then in the States, I would book things in blocks

and work my way across the country over like a month or two period. And my wife traveled with me. We loved it. Like, you know, leaving from Orlando, do like Atlanta, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, Chicago, Minneapolis, and drive.

You stop off. in Montana and fucking then do gigs in Seattle and then Portland San Francisco down or work my way across the bottom

doing like El Paso Dallas, Houston, New Orleans don't get me wrong I love it I loved it yeah that is that is something that that's our soul that's the soul

the comedian that's when you first get into comedy and even afterward and you just get in the car and you tell you problems to the highway. Yeah. And the highway tells you to have problems.

You know what I'm saying? And you're out there and you just take it. That's a different life that once you accept, you're in. Like, I'm all in. I love all that shit. Yeah, but no, I mean, from when we started, I was doing that and sleeping in the car like you did. But I'm talking about in the last 10 years

when I had a really nice used BMW and my fabulous photographer, European wife, and we were making adventures out of it. I would like book things with thinking of, you know, oh, well, we'll work our way across the country and then we'll spend a week in Austin. We'll spend a week in New Orleans. And that was when I was still drinking and partying and, you know,

or like go across. You spent a month in Montana about six years ago. And then like go hit the, go see the crazy horse memorial. Or, you know, like there's, it's about two miles from Mount Rushmore. Is this, they built. It's taking them like 100 years to carve this crazy horse on a horse. And Mount Rushmore could fit on the horse's head. You ever heard about this?

Yeah, kind of. It's amazing. It's weird that you've really taken advantage of the traveling side. I know a lot of comics that never will take advantage. Like me, I'll never take advantage of that because I'm kind of scared, part of this fear. Yeah. There's a lot of things I have traveling abroad. Like, in my world, I got into this country.

I ain't taking another chance You know what I'm saying? Yeah Like they let me in one time That's I'm good I'm good Why fucking spit in Fade's face You know what I'm saying?

Right Why come back and they're like Wait a second You came in under Tom Rhodes In 1966 You gotta go back to Cuba What was the fucking deportment I ain't got that type of time right now

So right now let's leave the paperwork How it is Let's leave everybody how it is We won't fuck with you You won't fuck with us and we're good send the postcard send the postcard

and don't wash your hands when you eat the sushi just come back on the plane with your little sushi fingers and we'll sniff them Do you have a passport? They yank that motherfucker Ah

Yeah man I'm good as gold Yeah I was born in Washington DC baby Yeah I'm like fucking As far as I'm concerned I don't know where I was born You know what I'm saying

Right It's just paperwork It's got it We may believe We don't know nothing We don't know nothing Our paperwork This is one thing.

My mother told me the other. I don't know who the fuck the belief. So we're just leaving at that. You know what I'm saying? What's that? We'll agree to stay friends. What's that statement? Agreed to disagree.

Yeah, we'll agree to disagree. I won't go to the border. Oh, man. And you won't come get me. You know what I'm saying? You'll never see me at the border. Playing in cages, little Mexican kids with a soccer ball and shit. Every day.

They're going to blow that up. Every day they got these kids on the border. I like it, man. And I'm going to do, I'm going to go to Asian, and I'm going to go back to Asia in August for two weeks. And you got club days? I'm doing, yeah, I'm doing, well, I'm going to do a weekend in Kuala Lumpur. Love Kuala. Malaysia is amazing.

The food there is incredible. It's a Muslim country. But it's sexy Muslim. The women wear like colorful headscarves. It's hot and it's tropical. So like there's, you eat monkey and shit like that? No, man. No, no, no.

No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no. Malaysia and Singapore are right next to each other. And they both do this black pepper crab. Crab is one of my favorite things on the planet. Black pepper crab is worth flying to Singapore or Kuala Lumpur for. And then in Malaysia, they do this, it's called Mertabak, which is just like, oh, my God, man.

It's like, it's like kind of like roady bread, but with like minced lamb and egg and chopped up onions in it. and there's like a curry sauce that you dip it in. You know the farts that come out of your ass? No, this stuff is better than cocaine, man, better than cocaine, and eggs. You know what comes out of your asshole? Pure fucking hate. That's what ISIS smells before they go on chop heads off.

They smell that shit. I'll be ripping some ISIS farts in August. So I'm doing Kuala Lumpur, and that's one of my favorite places, Malaysia. And then I'm doing Beijing, Ulaan Batar, Mongolia, and then Shanghai. And that'll be like two weeks. And then in October, I'm going back to Europe. Did I mention I met the punchline in Philadelphia, June 28th through the 30th?

Yes. Now, let me ask you. So in October, I'm doing, I've never been to Portugal. I've been invited by this Portuguese comedian to do this comedy festival in Porto. And then he's also lining up a gig for me in Lisbon. Never been to Portugal. All my European friends, their favorite place is. Portugal. They said it's like cheap. It's amazing. Cities are beautiful. Beaches are incredible.

So I'm really excited to go to, I've got a week in Portugal, and then I got a week in Paris. And hopefully, we'll find out very soon if I get the green light. I want to film my next hour special in Paris, the second week of October, like October 14th, which is Sunday. That's the date I'm shooting for. I'll know soon. Irish, Texas. Paris, France. I got a long history with Paris. My first love of my life, I lived in San Francisco with a girl, woman from Paris.

Natalee, we're still good friends. First, I went to Paris. I was maced. Some guys tried to rob me. I got a lot of great stories about. Didn't Anthony Bordaing just hang himself there? In Strasbourg. Is that Paris?

No, that's in the south. I don't know where it was something. So then I'm going, so after Paris, I'm doing Oslo. and then I'm doing a comedy festival in Ireland in Galway the last week of October. So I got all of October in Europe. It's like impossible to do.

What's that? You didn't want to go anywhere when I was hung themselves. We're going to go. You're going to stay at your house? I think so. I'm pretty sad that a guy like that that everybody admired fucking wasn't happy. It's like when Robin Williams killed himself. I thought, man,

if that guy wasn't happy, none of us stand a chance you know yeah I don't know and Bourdain had a kid too I couldn't imagine it's funny it's pretty fucking selfish money's gonna solve with your problems and sometimes money just can't shut that little voice in your head off you know what I'm saying we always think something's gonna shut that voice off but we have to shut it off it's kind of weird it's scary you think about it but is there something that The side of passport or Delta that you use on all you're traveling, is there a certain briefcase or a jacket or something? I really love to help you with this.

You don't understand. Listen. Yeah, I tell you, I know who flakes the phone. Okay. And I know who really enjoys something. I've known you for 15 years. First time I met you, I knew who you were. But the first time I met you showed me the second episode of you.

you interviewing the singer from Radar Love and we connected on that level. And you were like a child explaining it to me. Whether we were doing blow, whether it was six in the morning or not. You were like a child. You were so excited about this. And you have the same passion today about traveling. Yeah. You got all these fucking humps on TV.

You know what, man? It's so true that even if you shot a pilot that cost you $30,000, the networks would not get it. They didn't understand about you eating. I never heard of a black pepper crab. You? No. You understand me?

Like these are little things that people don't catch that a guy like me catches. I wish I could do what you did. I fucking hit it out of the park. The only reason you would fail is if you didn't build it up before you released it. I can't do that for you. Lee can't do that for you. Your wife can't do that for you. Only Tom Rhodes could do that.

But I think you have a tremendous. this project on your hands. That could be done on the internet. And we could curse. We could smoke a bong, hit. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? All right.

Well, let's get the funding for it. When you do these gigs international, I mean, you know, what Dane did Pittsburgh. I want you to go down to Jersey Shore. You like crabs? We'll go to Tom's River and we'll plan. Actually, I'm doing Pittsburgh.

I've never been to Pittsburgh. Like the first week of December, the last weekend. Last weekend of November. Bordane did it. No, no, I'm going to do a gig there. What I'm telling you is you go to Thomas River and we'll get those crap. But Bordane went every fucking...

No, he didn't go to Tom's River. We'll get those crab cages and we'll drop them on the other side of the Jersey. But I would do it... If I did a travel show, there wouldn't be no eating in it because that was his thing. My thing would all be comedy. Listen to me. You said you like blue cans, right? Yeah, black pepper crap.

I like any kind of crap. Don't worry about fucking Bordane or whatever. I'm telling you that we'll stop in Tom's River. We throw some fucking those crab things out. And we go, we smoke 10 joints. We come back, the nets are filled. We bring him to Louis House down in Tom River. He makes a spaghetti sauce, your dick will stay on for 18 hours.

You understand me? You'll be calling the doctor going, come help me. I got a hard on for 18 hours. You just take my hair with all. Red radiation clams from South Jersey. These things will keep your asshole fucking going like this. We were, we are, we were. For 18 hours tremendously.

when we were kids, we catch those clams and those crabs and bring them up north. Are you allowed to eat those? Listen, it don't matter. You just eat it on plate. Those fucking pollution crabs and shit. Yeah, they should test you what pollution.

Those cancer crabs. Ooh. You put them in a red sauce. You put that Italian bread and dipping in that cancer sauce. Ooh, you give somebody a taste of your dick when they swallow that sperm

they have that taste like it's bad mayonnaise. You know what I'm saying? Like when Leeds California roll, he has that special taste on his face. We don't like California wrong. It's got mayonnaise in it. Anyway, but no, seriously. All jokes inside.

Better than oil crap. Shut the fuck up, cuck. Let me tell you something. You're a true passion. This is always, since I met you, this has always been one of your main focus of conversation. You know things that most Americans do not know. Yeah.

You know, do not know, and we'll never fucking know. You know the comedy side of all these other countries, which is very fucking interesting. Gabriel, when he did this special, he talked about going somewhere. Where'd he go? And he said the guy picked him up was a comic. His cousin was a comic.

Excuse me, because of YouTube. All those international places. Was it somewhere in the Middle East? Yes, he went somewhere in the Middle East and they were like going crazy over Gabriel. And he goes, everybody was trying to tell him jokes and shit because this, you know, comedy is growing international. It's all over the world.

It's all over the world. I've seen it in Asia. There's comedy scenes all over Asia that didn't exist 20 years ago. You have a tremendous show on your hand, bro. And like I said, by the time you sell it, I know you have the talent. By the time you sell it, don't give it to a white guy that's 24. Yeah. Before they give it to you.

You know what I'm saying? With a blonde hand and earring in his nose. Exactly. With a tattoo of Viva Perri on his chest and a sperm shot under his nipple. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know, I just one day at a time, you know, You know, I'm focusing on doing that special in Paris and then hopefully. I hope it all works not, man.

If anybody's paid their fucking dues three times, it's you. Did you quit high school? No, I finished high school. I'm not offended you. I'm sorry? No, I never went to college. I thought you quit high school to do stand-up. Somebody else?

No, I started when I was 17. I was still in high school. I was a junior in high school when I started. Who quit high school to start comedy Hicks or Dwight, Dwight, Dwight? somebody Dwight Slade or there was somebody who quit high school to do comedy this scene I forget who the fuck it was I loved high school

man you kidding I got to host of pep rallies and the talent shows got to do the afternoon announcements I was my Oviedo Florida when I grew up there was a small town and everybody knew I wanted to be a comedian so they let me do all this because I had everybody knew I was playing in the nightclub in Orlando

on the weekends I stopped going to dances and football games I was going to the comedy club what comedy club was in Orlando back there there was an independent club when I started there it was called the funny farm and then a year later they changed it to the unfortunate name of the Copa banana what year was this tom bro I started 84 yes Christ yeah I was 17th christ started February 4th 1984 I was 17 years old I would just land in New York City I was living in Aspen, Colorado, and I said, fuck it. I'm going back from my birthday, which is February 19th.

And I flew it on the first, and I was in the state, like, the 14th. I ended up staying. So while you were starting comedy, I was starting my junior criminal career. You follow me? Junior. How do you get to senior criminal? Huh? How do you get to, like, full senior criminal?

No, I never made it. I got intercepted along the fucking way. As you could tell, I'm a fucking comic now. and a podcaster so I don't have time to do crimes of passion anymore. I'm sorry. The fuck. Yeah, man, and I graduated

when I was 18 and then 1985 and then I went right on the road like a month later. Now you were ready to New Gardell at that time? No, he didn't start. He started like he started like probably 88 something like that. I was doing it like three or four years

when I remember when Billy came around on Open Mike Nights. And I I remember when Carrot Top came and did Open Mic Night. They shunned him because he had props. He said, come back when you don't have props. And Daryl Hammond, I remember when Daryl was doing Open Mike Nights. And he was doing the voices and the characters. And yeah, man, it was great.

And then it was a great club. Ron Bennington had a comedy club in Clearwater, Ron Bennington's comedy scene. And then meeting him, that was really, I was different down there, man, because he was like the first. comedian I'd ever seen who was like talking about real shit and like um like just people just not being hacks just trying to be real and do some fucking quality shit and so down there in clearwater

man it was uh Bennington and Jim Brewer used to play down there there was a lot it was it was really great it was different than what was going on in Orlando you know so it was a lot of great What was going on? So Orlando had how many comedy clubs? Only one. And then so the Copa Banana eventually became bonkers. Oh, shit. Yeah.

Then the San Felipe's bought it and it became bonkers. But it was in like some, it was in these nightclubs, these dance clubs. Like the first one was Park Avenue. And then it was J.J. Whispers. And these were like, this were like the hottest clubs in Orlando. So there would be a comedy show from 8 to 10. did they clear out the chairs and have dancing?

Disco with a side small room where they had were comedy so like the disco is already raging and they're like being a young man I mean I had a fake ID I mean I wasn't even old enough to be in there and like I'm meeting like women in their 20s 30s these older women

oh man I had a great time I loved it. So you're doing comedy in a room I think some of the waitresses had sex with me just for the novelty. Of you being a kid. Yeah. Yeah.

So you're doing comedy next to a room that's playing music, and you could hear the disco music. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, partially. And then this is Florida in the 80s, so there was a lot of cocaine, and everybody dressed like Miami Vice, and everybody thought they were Tony Montana.

And it was an interesting, interesting time, you know. Fuck, Tom Rhodes. Tom Rhodes, I can't wait for the book to come out. Most importantly, I can't wait for you to fucking do this little web series. This is the only way it's going to work. I mean, I was putting money into doing it years ago. And it was just... You don't need big of your life shoots and you both edited it in the beginning for the first season.

I was doing it. I would call it extended armed productions because I had a camera and I would film myself doing stuff. I did that for years. Just again. And then it would cost a lot of money to edit it. and, you know, I don't have the money to do it on my own. You know, I need something to happen. There's got to be a way where they tape you.

And you go, get off the plane, show them what has to happen, where you check in. You know, for a guy like me, it would be interesting. I just need the right guy. I'm not going to watch some fake comic discovery, go to some fucking, no, I don't want to watch that. I want to watch a friend of mine tell a story. Do you know what I'm saying? Go to China. Show me the toilets that already talked about.

I have this shit and there's no toilet paper. And take a picture of it. To me, I've never seen that stuff. That'll blow a guy like mine. You know what I'm saying? And I'm the type of guy that I think you're one of the most interesting comics working. Like, if I was a real comedy fan, I'd go see you every time you weren't down. Because I know you're constantly right.

You're not one of those guys that brings the same shit. every time I see it. You're constantly writing. And I would ask your questions afterward. I would ask your stupid questions. Like, hey, I'm thinking I going to Australia. What airline should I fly? Because I know you would take 20 minutes out and explain to them. Yeah.

Well, people email me all the time and they'll ask me for travel advice. And I do it all the time. And it's like, there's a lot of in it. This guy wrote me the other day. Hey, man, my daughters are 21 and they're going to Amsterdam. Well, I just told this other guy last week all the Amsterdam things to do. you know so um i don't know i need to put out a travel book or something a travel book you know who was the guy that put the fucking book out about how to pack who had a friend

somebody had a friend the friend of bars that put a book out that's how he hit me i don't know you ask me what i take with me on my travels yeah like is there anything that on every trip well i tell you what i you take because it really helps you be a better traveler is there a guide Is there a video? Was there a watch? I mean, I always bring like books that I'm reading, but there's things like, you know, bring your own soap in a thing

because there's little hotel soaps or, you know, even in luxury hotels are usually kind of small. There's, I use to me luggage. I used to use Travel Pro, but something happened to them. You buy a travel probe luggage. It costs about $300, $350. You get them.

You get them on sale. Well, it's just quality luggage is always that expensive. But it used to be worth it. Because a Travel Pro bag used to last, I would get four or five years out of a Travel Pro bag. Oh, that's one bag? A suitcase. Oh, my, well, all luggage is expensive. I get away.

So listen to me. So listen. That's wild. The last two Travel Pro bags I had only lasted. I had one lasted two years and then it fell apart. And then the last one I had lasted like a year, year and a half, and it fell apart. So you're dropping $400 on a piece of luggage, and it only lasts a year or two. Something happened at Travel Pro.

They stopped the quality product they were offering before. The seams would bust, the zippers would bust. And I said, fuck that. I'm not using them anymore. So I got The last two bags I got I got a carry-on bag From Toomey and I

I love this It's the greatest You know It's a regulation size Fits under the seat over the head And then it's got this zipper in the back Where you pull out your computer So when you're going through the thing

It's beautifully designed It's great secret pockets on it It's got pockets for everything But it's this back zipper and you go through the metal detector and you got your computer comes out you feel like a pro and you're zipping through there especially with clear boom you through them so then tell them you want them i already have i asked them to sponsor my podcast like two years ago never even got a reply uh and then the the the the quality to me bag i bought for a thousand dollars the piece of luggage

so the carry-on thing is like three 300 350 and it's a beautiful bag. So my wife was like, man, are you going to spend $1,000 on this piece of luggage? And I'm like, listen, you know, I'm a comedian, I'm a headliner, I got to show up with the quality stuff, you know. And I don't need some punk-ass travel pro zippers busting. And I don't want to travel around, oh, now I'm going to hump it out with a year with a bag that's got a busted zipper. Fuck that. I'm a professional traveler.

I'm saying so I spent the thousand dollars on the toomey bag and I really believe in this to me stuff man they make beautiful luggage does it come with any special like compartments or anything well I mean they got different kinds you can get the the kind where the old style or I like the fold over garment bag kind so it's got like inside pockets it's beautifully designed you got a place for the shoes place for the socks place for the underwear and then you hang the thing it opened beautifully, and then you got outside pockets, which I put my toiletries in in case when I land, I need to get the toothbrush or something, you know, and just the outside pockets are beautiful. So check this out. Last December, I was playing in, there's this tour of

Switzerland. I've done it three times, and it's great. You do, it's a week of one nighters across Switzerland. So you do Geneva, Lusanne, Basel, and Zurich. And I had a a day off and I went to Veve and I went to Charlie Chaplin's house. It was great. So flying back, actually the tour ended in Basel this time. So I had to fly back from Basel to Amsterdam and then Amsterdam to New York and then, or no, Amsterdam to Atlanta and then Orlando for Christmas. So Amsterdam got snowed in. So I got stuck in Basel, Switzerland for an extra couple of days, which isn't a bad place to be stuck in Switzerland. And when I finally, got out and in Basel, Switzerland, the airport, they used some kind of machines with claws.

The bottom of my beautiful, expensive bag got these, these, it ripped them. It got these big, I don't know, about the size of your thumbs. These two big nicks. Man, took a photo of it. When immediately, like I picked it up and then my first thought was holy fuck I go to so I did I was on KLM which is connected to Delta but I bought

the ticket through Delta because I buy everything through Delta and then when I landed in Amsterdam Delta.com Tom slash church case you listen when I landed in Amsterdam

and I got my bag back I saw the things and I went to the to the complaint luggage area and I took photos of it and Delta Airlines can I kept the receipt for the thing paid me the exact amount of money for so the so the oh shit I'm spending a thousand dollars on luggage they sent me a check for the thousand dollars so because so now I look at that luggage and it's got these thumb-sized scratch nicks on it and I I love it because that means I got a free piece of luggage.

Delta.com. Don't forget. They pay you. Tom Rhodes at the Philadelphia punchline June 28th through 30th. Always a pleasure, Tom Rhodes. I always learned something. I love you so much, Joey. I learn some.

Follow Tom Rhodes. If you're a traveler, you're interested in traveling, these guys are super. Him, Ari. I listen to their shit, and they know what the fuck they're talking about, and they're passionate about it. It's not like sitting at the griddle. And some guys are like, I went to. you know,

how are you, dropping all these names. Fuck you, you're an amateur, you fuck, you went over there sucking dick the whole way. They spanked you

over there. Tom Rhodes a respectable individual. Anyway, when are you at June 28th to the 30th? June 28th through the 30th? I met the punchline

in Philadelphia. Damn, damn, damn, that's a good fucking date. I need to be in Philly. Have you ever done this West Nyack, New York?

Yes. How is that? I'm there. Tremendous. I was going to ask you, because I've never been there. Tremendous. Tremendous.

And I'm like, go I had to look that up on a map. Good pizza. August 30th through September 2nd. Fuck yeah. You're there. You're 45 minutes out of the city. You're my old, my old haunts.

What's it like that? It's nice. Listen, you go to the hotel. Yeah. A couple numbers were you. What do you mean? They got Chinese food. They got Italian food.

They got something else. Is it a nice town? They got a barbecue. Let's pretend you shot 18 people. And you came in. you need to hide out. And you need to hide out. That's where you go, West Nyack.

Nobody's going to find you. But the audiences, they're Brooklyn, the Bronx, and Northern New Jersey and Queens. All right. And Nyack and shit. Last time I did it

some dude heckled me, he went to the bathroom. Three guys came in, hit him the head of the bottle. So you don't fucking heckle Joey. No, no, no, no, West Nyack is heavy duty.

Put his head in the toilet. Heavy duty. Nyack is heavy duty. They ain't fucking around over there. Uh, very interesting, good people. Yeah, man. I'm gonna have a good time.

Stay at the hotel. I'm playing some new places like that. And I'm going Pittsburgh like the last week of November. Pittsburgh Improv. Yeah, Pittsburgh Improv. Great place. The last weekend of November. Great place.

And then I'm really excited about Philadelphia next week because it's the first time I'll be there since I fucking busted my head open. And that was like such as four years ago. A significant moment. your life forever i'm gonna you know i think i'm gonna go i want to go 10 years and then i might start having a glass of wine have a beer we'll see how old are you now 51 so you'll be 57 when you're 10 by that time you wouldn't even want to drink wine you'll say what's the big fucking deal anyway i don't know man i i i like going to paris and rome and sitting in cafes and

reading books no one else understands so you know I wish you all the luck in the world. You're a great man. You're a great comic. And you're a great friend, brother. I love you with all my heart. I'm happy you came on today. And don't forget to follow Tom Rhodes

and the fucking flying you over there. My brother, my little brother. Don't forget the Ice House July 7th and South Point, the 13th and 14th. Listen, like I told you in the beginning of the fucking show. You know, I fuck around with you people. As far as, when I fly a lot, I'm always on on it.

immune. I'm always on the spa. What is this? Shroom Tech immune. I'm always on it. You don't see me traveling like a little Japanese dude with a mask on this shit. I travel out of Dente. I take two fucking Onits

and nobody fucks with Uncle Joey. You understand me? Whether it's the alpha brain, whether it's the chocolate, Mexican chocolate protein powder. Listen, On it is the fucking good. Now they got On It's a in-home program for six weeks. Transformations. It transforms your motherfucking body.

You understand me? Go to honor dot com right now and press in. Church. Bam! Get 10% off delivered right to your fucking house just like that. Number two, I'm a fat fuck. People, Joey, what geat? Fuji, Ghee.

Fuji Gede, the best. You understand me? Go to Fuji Sports right now. Fujisports.com. Why? Joey, why the fuck should I go? Why? Because their geese are quality.

Quality, quality, quality, quality. You can hang on them, dangle on them. I found an old geese. from three years ago. It's a white guy, but it's black from people hanging on my collar. I don't give a fuck. They never ripped it. You understand? You know why? Qualia. You're like, Joey, what geese should I get?

You get the psycho, the psycho. The Seiko, 2.0. Me, I recommend the Super Raider. It's 135, but you get the 10% off. That's the best Ghee for your fucking money. But the all-around geese, the ones under $100. They do the trick, too, bro. Go to Fuji Sports.com

right now and press in. Bam, and get 10% off. Again, delivered right to your fucking crib. I want to thank Tom Rhodes. I want to thank the Christkiller. Church. And I'll see you, motherfuckers. Next Monday morning, ready to rock.

You understand me. I had attention. Ready to fight off the fucking Koreans. Don't believe the hype. Stay black. Have a great weekend. And that's it. Kick this fucking mule.

I'm ready to stab a bitch. A little too short for you, motherfuckers. Oh, class. Back to my fucking prison days right here, 87. What? Huh. Huh. Do it, Tom Rhodes, aka the restaurant.

Go, motherfuckers. Who's ready for a bunging? I must have superpowers. Rap 225,000 hours. Get a calculator due to math. I made a thousand songs that made you move you. And for the last 300 months, I made 16 albums with me on the front. And they bummed.

Where you get your beats. I heard 93. rappers say like me two singers and tick comedian every time you see me in what's my favorite word why they got to say it like short big dog stay on the porch load a whistle that's Texas fat short dog what you say short dog wide away for the last three days it goes down for real don't stop just keep rolling down hill crash and burn can't stand fall back you're doing too much you can't handle all that It's been way too long.

Time to let the whole world play your songs. Like me, my shit gets around. Lead a country come back and hit the town. I'm in Miami, New York and ATL. Houston and L.A. Axtapel by my bitch. He got her from me and made $50 million. I'm proud of you, D.

But I'm crazy. You don't want to be like me. I come from me stoking where the youngsters get like. He's going. Blow the whistle. Mother whistle. Too short. Up all night, baby.