The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #596 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: June 26, 2018

Bert Kreischer, comedian and host of the "Bertcast" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first THREE meals for free.  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 06/25/2018.  

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Monday the 25th. The church was happening now. You bad motherfuckers. Uncle Joey. Bird Chrysher. And the fucking Christ killer. Special guest star. The face of the church, Kishi Leroux.

And that's it, you bad motherfuckers. I used to be able to do an impression of him in college. We go. Like this, you had to look up. You see that face? Yeah. Wah, well, well, fucking nuts. Everybody remembers how big this fucking album.

I do. I fucking remember. Freshman year of college. Oh, I grew my hair out like getting better. So you're 44. 45. Okay, yes, because I was in my 30s. When this came out, Allison Chains and Soundgarden, fucking bad motor finger.

Do you remember the, do you remember the album, Singles, the movie singles? The soundtrack for singles was fucking amazing. I had a paper route. It paid $40. It was every Thursday you had to do it for like two hours. We got $40. Sean Simmons passed it down to me. It was like really a coveted thing.

All it took was like four in the morning. Thursday morning you'd pick up and fill my Jetta with papers. And I'd listen to fucking the single soundtrack. And you do one hour, you drink coffee for one hour, and then you smoke weed for the second hour. And then you just get back into your bed and just pass the fuck out. Two, me, and Rogan all delivered papers. For real?

Yeah, Rogan delivered papers too. I was a great gig. I used to love that. I delivered newspapers door to door. Rogan used to load the truck up and then drop the papers off to the people who delivered hand-to-hand combat. Yeah. And then you did the same thing. Thrifty nickel.

That was the name of the paper. Drifty nickel. Yeah, yeah. I think Rogan did the dispatch. Oh, yeah? The afternoon paper. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

That was my least favorite part about working at a CVS. Because in the mornings, if you open, they have to go, put the papers together especially on Sundays you have to put the fucking thing inside the periodical inside the whatever I would just throw him the fuck away oh I was trying to get skinny so I was just like you'd lift up the pay the stack of papers and you hold them like you're doing your biceps and then walk up the steps walk back down the steps walk out oh you get fucking insane I took the route that was not in my neighborhood which only an idiot does yeah like only an idiot takes a paper out that's not in his paper up because once you

get mugged right the neighbor kids know you're not from the neighbor and they try to chase your shit they try to intercept your shipment it's worse in the drug business it was like being narcos when I was fucking 10 deliver papers it was like being narcos I swear to God because they dropped the paper off on the bottom of five corners believe it or not there's a place in my hometown that's got five or six corners six it's impossible to believe it's a bagel shop a bank a thrifty store Another fucking refrigeration store and another corner over here, five corners. Yeah.

It's fine. And as a matter of fact, I robbed the bank in there. It was a drive-thru. We took it in and we were kids. But we used to get the paper dropped there. So I'd get off from school and run there just to show, to hope nobody stole my papers and would deliver them themselves. Because kids in my neighborhood were hustlers, Jack.

You don't show up for papers. They steal them. go up to Kennedy Boulevard. When people get off the bus, they sell them for 15 cents a piece. What do you get for a pay per quarter? Give me 15 cents. And you don't lose nothing.

It's not like you pay the nickel for them. It's all profit. So those kids were hustlers. I grew up around hustlers. That if you didn't fucking bend over and pick it up, somebody else will. That expression, pick it up and put it in your pocket or somebody else will.

That was written in my fucking neighborhood. And the other one was, if you want to shoot somebody, if you want to kill somebody, invite them all for dinner. That was big in my neighbor. You want to kill somebody and invite them. him over dinner yeah carmine balzano did it he invited the guy over shot him and it's his word against yours you know what i'm saying you do whatever the fuck you want you can kick him starve him put a fucking him it's your word against theirs he used to always say that we were kids he those kids always remember

you want to kill somebody invite him all for dinner and we just look at him and go what is he talking about and sure enough we're all growing up and one day we go to eat lunch and a friend of mine goes you see the paper front cover of the paper carmine balzano shoots guy in the back so seven times the self-defense right in his living room. Fuck. Hysterical. I didn't have that growing up. Yeah, we had it.

Ernie Hare-Foury shot, got shot by his wife. He was the car dealer in Tampa. My dad was his lawyer. And her word against his, and he was dead. But I think something happened where she went into the safe to get money and the gun was in the safe. And he came after her. And she just pulled the gun out and shot him. God damn.

remember that I remember like that that was yesterday got away with it yes got away with you want to shoot some money invite him over for dinner that's why I tell that's why it's great to live in Colorado because you got to make my day law or you got to do is tell something I got a hundred dollar bill in Bert's window go get it and they come put their hand up in the window and I'm sitting there with a gun boom you know they got four fingers fuck it that's why in Florida love it I love for somebody to come to my house I would what's the law what's the law in L.A. though I'll shoot you and drag in my fucking house that's what they said be be gun in yet that's why that's what they said

That's what they said in Florida. If you shot someone in your front yard, drag him in your house. That's well known for years. I see somebody in my neighbor that I don't like. He comes close to my house. He's getting shot and drug into my house. Yeah. And I already got things hidden outside that I got the ring.

I'll break the ring and put something in this fucking hand. And there you go. It's my word against his. Yeah, that's the way you got careful. And I got three neighbors that are the Puerto Ricans. They're on board with me. I got three. I got two neighbors that are cops.

And the other neighbor is slashes aunt. And I talk to every fucking day. Really? Yeah. So we're good to go. You come to my house looking for problems. You're going to leave there a limping motherfucker. I'll tell you that much.

I think about that. I think about someone. I just got guns. I got a Glock. You just sit there at night waiting. Dude, I have a joke about it in my act about there's no better feeling than drinking with your gun in the middle of the night. And just waiting for shit to go down. Just two in the morning with a Glock on your lap just going, come on, motherfuckers.

Make sure that shit don't go all. by mistake. I don't put bullets in my gun. Keep the magazine out of it. When the Joey Dia's book and movie comes out, I know that, I know that directors and producers are going to go, that scene is not going to go in it.

But I spent a weekend in Miami with a guy that I grew up with. Like, I grew up with this guy. He was friends with my mother and my stepfather, and he was well-known in the community. But as I was growing up, there was always a rumor, bro.

don't let him at your house at night. And I didn't understand what the rumor was. I was too young to understand. And there was mornings that I would wake up in my house, like to go to school, and he was at my house drinking with my mom and my stepdad and 20 other people. And he'd be fucked up.

He'd be giving me money and shit. And his eye would go sideways, so they called him Muneco. That was his nickname. Muneco, I know what that word is. Muneco, yeah. Muneco means like a figure, like a doll.

like a figurine like a Muneiko like the clown yeah like so they called him Muneco and then I would like after school I would go mom what the fuck was that this morning she's like fuck a Muneco you can't get rid of that motherfucker even though I love Muneco I mean everybody loved Muneco Mneco was a great guy he had two kids yeah I knew he did something kinky for a living I always knew as a kid that he wasn't on the up and up as a whatever then I did something for him until this day I I can't remember what it was because he took me shopping. I did something for him. Like his wife came looking for him and I lied. I did something that was right in their eyes that was wrong. Yeah. In life's eyes.

And my mother was like, you did a good thing. He wants to take your shopping. So him and his son took me to Macy's and I bought like Hot Wheels, like a track and three cars. I never forget my mom going, this is what you bought, you fucking idiot. And she took the hot wheel and whipped me with it. She goes, he had an envelope full of $100 bills to buy you like a car,

and you bought like a hot wheels on the side of the fucking track. You fucking dummy, get in your fucking room. You can't be any fucking dumber. And I felt like such an idiot because he took all this shit. But anyway, the guy was a great guy. Yeah. You know, I saw him as I was growing up a couple times and people go stay away from him when he's partying.

So once my mother died, I didn't see him. One night, I'm in a fucking Cuban joint. On 48th year, I'm eating Cuban food. And some guy comes in and goes, you don't know of his son? I go, yeah, he goes, people are looking for you, and it was Muneiko. And he gave me his number, he goes, he's in Miami. So I called Muneco up, and he flew me down to Miami, and he fucking told me the story. He goes, I need a big favor from me.

And I go, what's the favor? And he started crying. And he goes, my eldest son, Julio, got killed by this fucking junkie. And if I kill her, they're going to know it's me. You got to help me with this. And I'm like, what are you talking about? So when my mother died, I moved in with the Benders, but they called them a bullicia. Yeah.

Everybody thought Mr. Bender was a cop. It was Bobby that was a cop. Yeah. But the other people thought that Mr. Bender was a gangster. So the other Cubans who say, you're living with the mafia. So when Muneko would ask about me, they would say he's living with the mafia. So that's why he flew me to Florida because he goes, if you can talk to your friends to kill this bitch from me, I would give him $50,000

and I'm like, well, and at that point I'm like, I'll kill this bitch myself for $50,000. Like, I didn't even fucking, oh, bro, I was crazy. I was 19 years old. I was ready to kill it. It was 84. So he lived in like, uh, Miami, and he goes, spend the weekend with me,

make some calls, see what you could do. This is why they didn't like hanging out with him because whenever he would get coked up, he would lose his mind. He was one of the first guys to start getting paranoid. Have you ever seen somebody paranoid on cocaine? Oh, yeah. It is the most amazing thing in the world.

When you're sitting in a room with somebody who is watching the same thing you're watching and they will not stop looking at the blinds or they will not start looking at the bottom of the door to see if there's a sun coming through the door. Yeah. So I didn't know. So that Friday night, he went to his house.

His wife was there who I grew up around. His one son was there. And they're like, he just sleep in the back room. And his son's like, oh, know and i'm like what he goes so fucking the dad comes back to like an hour late i'm watching tv and the dad comes back there with a margarine tub filled with water remember the old margarine tubs in the 80 yes yeah yeah filled with water with a little dish with cocaine floating on it okay because in his mind if the cops came in he would take the dish go the coke in the water and

so now listen to me he comes back there and as soon as he comes back there he starts sliding down things you know Miami yeah they have the slide down fucking windows like this just in cases a hurricane or something like that yeah he's so now I'm thinking this guy's gonna fuck me in the ass he's coming in here with this tub of coke and he's gonna fuck me in the ass this is why they kept saying don't hang out with Muneiko when he gets coked up and this is after he asked you to kill somebody this is yeah like this whole like an hour after he asked me to fucking if I could go to the mafia and get

this girl killed. But the more Koki did, the creepier he got, not sexually. He just got creepier and more paranoid. So the last thing he did was he put boxer underwear on and he had a 38. And he put the 38 and he mangled it, the 38. And he would have chancletas on, those Cuban chancletas with a wife be like Chichi. And he would just walk around like paranoid, like and look from window the window even though the blinds were metal and they were shut over the windows yeah he kept looking at him and the fucking gun kept falling out of his underwear hitting the floor and i'm like oh no oh no and bert after the third time the gun went off and he shot his foot by this time at seven of the morning he's bleeding and he's not even like moat like i would have been on the floor

like a pussy ah ah ah ah ah yeah he's like don't worry about don't worry about his wife and his daughter, his son, here the gun go off. They run back there, and they're like, oh, no, he did it again. I go, should I call the ambulance? The son's like, he's going to be fine. He does this like every month. The doctor came. It was the eighth time he shot himself in the fucking foot.

He had no foot left. I kept looking at it. It was one foot, and I kept seeing, like, little holes. I thought he stepped on something on the swim from Cuba or something like that. That's what I'm scared of, that a gun fucking goes off by mistake. That's what I've always been scared of. Dude, that happened at the end of the island in Tampa. We were about to get into a fight with Robinson, the school Robinson.

One of my buddies, I won't say his name, because I think he's a teacher at NYU. But let's just call him Alan. He had a little gun in his, this is the same guy. He pulled a knife on a guy one time in a parking lot. This black guy got to a fight at a right aid, or it was called Eckerds back then. Alan had a butterfly knife. You know the ones when you, yeah, the old school chain. And he swung it open at the guy like this, and the guy goes,

Oh, you're going to fucking stab me? Let's do this. And Alan was a, he was a rich kid. He was like, ah, and just ran. But he had a gun in his waistband out of the end of the island. And you see the Robinson kids coming out. And they pull out and they all get out of the car. And one of my buddies, I think my buddy Sal goes, Alan, you're strapped.

And he's like, you know it. And hit his thing. And the gun went off and shot down his leg, ricocheted off. Little pebble shot out after everyone. Everyone in Robinson got in, took off. They were scared of us. We were more scared of us because Alan just shot through his pants. He had like white pants on, bullet hole out of his pants,

plaxico-Burris style. And it fucking, Alan got rid of that gun that day. How old are you? We were 17 years old. That's crazy. Isn't it crazy shit? And he didn't shoot himself? He just shot right through his pants.

Just shot right to his pants. And then we had a bunch of fights with those Robinson guys. But that was like when... Robinson was a family? No, Robinson was a school. It was predominantly, I think predominantly black at the time. Now it's not. And it wasn't for a period of time.

It's just a way, you know, the cities change, like, demographically. But I think at the time it was predominantly black. And so was Hillsborough where the two schools. Dwight Gooden went to Hillsborough. Darrell, not Dale Strawberry. But his cousin who played for the Marlins and played for the Dodgers, he went to Hillsboro. Hillsborough had a gang called TWT.

Together we thump. And now you did not fuck with Hillsborough. Hillsborough was like fucking scary. But Robinson was in our, they were like, yeah, there's a little South Tampa. And we had two crew, we had two gangs. Not gangs. That's really, I'm really overstating it. One was a gang.

They were called the cavemen. And there was like all, it was all preppy white boys. I was not a part of the cavemen. And then my school had this, it was more like a club on campus, but we would fight together. And we were called EPU, a pleuribus unum. You know, you know your gang is not tough when it's named after the thing on the penny. at Blur-Bazuna. Together we're won or whatever or something.

But yeah, I remember fights. I remember not being afraid of fights. Now I look at fights, I'm terrified of them. But I remember in high school just being like, fight, let's do it. Grab a golf club. Fucking grab a baseball bat. My buddy, Weecho got hit in the head with a steel pipe one night.

Now I look at it and go, what a fucking lunatic would swing a steel pipe at someone's head. But back then, you're just like, shit happens. You know? It's like, I think that's why I'm most afraid. to young kids. Like people go,

people that are racist, I go, no, I'm more agist. Like, I don't want young kids around me. Young kids terrify me. Because they don't have, they don't feel like there's any repercussion in life. All your dirt you did that was horrific happened when you were young. You know, when you just figured, oh, life will never end.

And then you get older and you're like, I would love five more years, you know, for like, like, I started looking at it going like, fuck, where did it all go? Like, did I really just drink from fucking age 20 or 20 to 4? You know, I don't remember anything. It's, I look at it pro and con. Because I look at it when I was 20 and 21, I had nothing to lose. Nothing to lose. When I kidnapped Bell and I was doing all that crazy shit.

Yeah. There was nothing to lose. And if you were my friend, Bert, I'd go, Bert, just stay in the car because you got a family. Let me do this because if I get busted, I don't got a family. Yeah. Just send me 10 bucks a month. You know what I'm saying? Don't be a douchebag.

Yeah. You know what I took care of you. You know what I'm saying? So I always took those type of chances. But I also remember having my eyes on a couple dudes that were older that I thought I was going to take down. And within two years of my thought, both of those guys did something that I'm very happy that at this age, and now at 55, I welcome somebody to make a mistake around me.

I would welcome it because I'm so experienced now. I see the move coming. I see the steps. I hear the footsteps. I know the walk. I know the talk. I know how they show up. So now I react completely differently.

I react for an eye. You know, because what am I, 55? What's life sentence now? It's 10 fucking years. Fulfo Joe. And they're going to put me in a fucking hospital because I got sleep at me. You know what I'm saying?

We got money for a good attorney. We'll go fund me a good attorney. Go fund me a good attorney. Go fund me a good fucking Jew. We'll fly him in right from Israel. Don't take no shit. He doesn't know about it. and they'll get me up in Lompark up there with the horses riding horses right off of San Francisco you can visit me on the way down

All my buddies will visit me you know what I'm saying because I'll be in Lompoc playing tennis with Who Doreau playing that movie they robbed everybody Bernie made off Bernie made off at Lom Park All the main players if you got Dore me you end up at Lompark you could stab 20 nuns And if you got money and if you can know the right attorneys they put you at Lumpf? We did have the right review we did we did we did a We did a shoot for Travel Channel. I think in Utah, I think it was in Utah. It's where the Corona Arch is.

Can you Google where the Corona Arch is? Sure. The Corona Arch, we did this shoot, and you get hooked up underneath it. And then it's hard to explain. Is that, where is that? Grand County, Utah, Grand County, Utah. Yeah. So the Corona Arch is like this big, like, this big,

McDonald's arch kind of thing, but out of stone. And you, they have ropes anchored into one side. And then they drag the ropes up under it. And you harness into that rope and you dive out under the arch and you swing under the arch out far. It's fucking insane. Like it's one of the craziest things I've ever done in my life. When I went to do it, the guy said, I was like, I should put on a helmet. And he goes, you don't want one.

If something goes wrong, just die. You don't want to be out here suffering. And I was like, for real? He goes, nothing's going to happen. But trust me, if it does, just go out. That's the end of it. Trust me. So we did it.

We shoot it. It's fucking amazing. And then right when it goes to air, they call us and they go, your shoot was illegal. If you air it, there's possible prison time for the executive producers. I'm one of the executive producers. And this guy's Paul is one of the executive producers. But it's such a badass shot. I mean, it's such a badass shot that I feel like will just go viral that me and Paul literally said,

all right, let's pro and con out a year in prison. like a federal prison, right? We'll get healthy. They're not going to put you in prison. Yeah, right? They never put us in prison. You're going to pay a little fine. Yeah, you pay a fine.

You're going to go sing for the Black Boys Club. Take your shirt off and go sing a song. Yeah. You know, we are the world or whatever with Lee. That's it. You're not going to do no fun. What was it legal about it? It's so funny.

We didn't have a, we never got a permit to shoot it. It's so funny how they scare Americans. Like the other day, what's going to happen to come? Conner in court. Nothing. Who's Connor? Connor McGregor. Nothing.

Yeah. Nothing. Is he going to court? Three misdemeanors and a felony? Bye. You can pay. That's easy. That's an easy one.

That's an easy day for Uncle Joey. Yeah. Take care of the felony. What's a misdemeanor? The Civil Court's where it's going to get him, right? Because they're going to, oh, those fighters will sue. Well, no, now they can't sue because they both took fights like assholes. Are you serious?

And Ray Berg has a baby who's fucked up. Well, they've got a go fund. He pays to pay for the baby. And then he got a guy. sued but it took another fight if that was me sitting in that thing I'm walking around like Ray Charles do you understand me I got glasses on touching walls I'm grabbing Chi Chi and town like I don't know if she's a man or I'm sorry to grab you but he's sexually harassed me I'm blind what are you talking about

wait so they both can't sue now because they took fight it took fight so if you sue you sue minimum 8,000 6,000 Michael Keaza took a fight now you get minimal I would have put eye patches on dog. I would have heard radio waves from the glass in my eyes. I would have been a fucking nightmare. Are you fucking kidding me? You know that the feds could take voices off glasses, right? That's how, you know that football thing? You ever see when you're throwing a football and they have those microphones on the edge? When the 80s and 90s, the feds, we could be having a conversation in here. And if they knew that

we had high-tech surveillance equipment, what they could do is put a fucking thing to the window and they could hear our conversation bounce off the windows. You do know that. No. You do know that. The feds are that high tech on all that type of shit. That's what they were doing in the 90s. Once the mafia started getting boxes to sweep, once people started getting sweepers,

because the problem with sweepers is, like, if I go, Lee, call the sweeper, they hear you. So when the sweeper comes, they're watching from across the street. When the sweeper comes, they turn the bug off. So there's no micro, macro, whatever the fuck. There's no magnetic fucking zzz. I'm no electrician genius. Then when the sweeper walks out,

the feds are watching you with a binocular. They turn the thing back on. So in the 90s, I don't even know how you got me in this conversation. That's how they would listen to you. We're talking about the Connor McGregor. Fucking glass. That's why I'm saying,

that I would have taken that glass from that bus and said I'm hearing voices from Gotti talking on the fucking bus. It's a New York bus. I heard the mafia talking in my eyeballs. I would have sued to the end. There was eight settlements there. There's eight paychecks there.

If I'm Michael Keizier or Ray Berg, are you kidding me? I can't throw my hand. I'm hearing voices. I see glass. I get flashbacks from Vietnam. I'm walking around like Rose McGowan. You know what I'm saying? Just PTSD'd up to the fucking gills.

And every day I'm making another million because every day I'm going to eight different specialists in Beverly Hills. Yeah. That three, four hundred a pop. You understand me? I don't give a fucking my credit gets ruined if I campaigned in dirty. So Connor's going to ditch out pretty easy. in this. Pretty easy because they gave

them the out. The UFC gave those guys fights right away. Probably paid them good money. Gave Kees and the other guy fights so they can't sue the UFC. The UFC ain't stupid. They gave them good fights right off the bat. Me, I wouldn't have taken those fights. I can't see.

I can't see. I couldn't even see the phone to pick it up. That's why I haven't called you the week. Well, growing up in New York, you must have grown up around rich people who could pay off. I saw it all the time. Did it piss you off? Not at all. That's a part of doing business.

That's a part of doing business. When I went to Disneyland last week, I saw people who cut in line with fucking things, and they pay 500 an hour. Next time I'll suck three dicks instead of one. You know what I'm saying? Next time suck three dicks, and you could take your kid

and don't have to wait on line for 75 fucking minutes. I've always believed in that. Like, I never... Leanne's always that like, oh, we're not getting a fast pass when you go to a... If you work, I go get the fast pass. It makes it so that you can ride the ride immediately and you're not waiting in line. She's like, oh, it's just a waste of money.

It's not a waste of money. And even the fast pass, you can't guarantee them. You're still sitting there like a fucking bump on a log, like patience on a monument. But that's the way life is. You know what I'm saying? You want to get on the plane early? Get a first class fucking ticket. That's it.

I can't. I just had this conversation this weekend with the guys I was on tour with. I was like, I can't. It makes better business sense. for me not have to worry about everything. Know that if the flight's canceled, I'm definitely on the next flight, because if they don't have it in first class,

they definitely got on a coach, and I'm getting the first chance. Like, it just makes more sense. And there was a time where it didn't make more sense, but now I'm like, oh, fuck, yeah, always for, I don't think I could fly coach back middle of the plane. I upgrade 90% of the time. I just know the cities I'm not going to upgrade.

Oh, yeah. Chicago and New York, you're never going to never get an upgrade. I've gotten a business upgrade. you won't get upgrades. Yeah, I've gotten upgrades. American? Yeah. Oh, wow.

Every time I've flown in Nashville, I never got the upgrade. Yeah. And if not, they put you in the rows to the back with the more leg space, which is still you got to smell other people's farts and burps and fucking whatnot. It's just burped on Lee, as you said that. But yeah, I would have never fucking taken those fights if I was those guys. Yeah. I would have sued the garden, the Brooklyn place.

I would have sued the security people. UFC, I would have sued Rogan for not being there in the bus. I would have sued. Everybody would have got a letter on Monday. Everybody would have got a letter on Monday. Oh, yeah. Just to send a letter for people that say no, because I might send five of them and somebody might go, pay them.

Pay them 50 grand to shut them up. But they both fucked up. The UFC called them and blew smoke up their ass, and they accepted the fights. Now they can't sue. Now they can't get no big money. God, that fucking sucks. That sucks.

I wouldn't, and I wouldn't, like, if I was Ray Borg or the other guy, I wouldn't fake it not to put Conner McGregor out of money, but he's got $100 million. He could pay $40 of that. Yeah. And still stay with 60 and he's still fighting again, bitch. I'm not looking to put him Connor McGregor in jail. That's not what I'm saying.

I'm looking to make them pay. I bet there's a part of it with those guys where they're such men, meaning like they're such alphas where they're like, nah, I'm good. I'm not the guy that sues. You know what I mean? Like, I wonder if, like, those guys, like, we'll deal with it in the ring type guys. You know what, bro? I was one of those guys, too.

Yeah. And now you have to, in this day and age, if the wheels are turned around, you bet your ass they're going to serve suburb Kreisher. Oh, yeah. You bet their ass are going to sue Burke Crisher. You know, you know, John Brathano, what's that guy's name that plays the Punisher? Oh, yeah. Oh, I know who you're talking about. Great guy.

Yeah, he's from Walking Dead, right? He's going to be on the podcast next month. in August. These good guys in New York shooting right now. He tells a great story about a guy having a fight with him. Guy did something to his dog or something. He hit the guy. He got sued.

Guy found out he was an actor, got sued for big money. He had a barrel money from his family and everything and work it off. Yeah, because these people look for that. So if people are going to do it to you. People in this day and age, fucking forget about it. in this day and age

look at the day after the school shooting all those school shootings and shit in this day and age they don't give a fuck Jack those attorneys come to you at the wake and tell you how much money you're going to get what you're going to get how you're going to get it I guess it doesn't pay to be honorable well the other thing

and I always get because I'm a sports fan and that's a big thing you hear all like even just people leaving their hometown like that these guys aren't going to be fighting in the UFC forever. So even if they get a fight right away, it would be better. It would make more sense for them to set them up for life. Is that what you're saying?

Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah, people get shit all the time for taking money. Did you watch the fucking thing on HBO Real Sports? Which one? The one two weeks ago, but the U.S. The U.F.S. out. The NFL. No. Uh-uh. The NFL

came to the conclusion that yes, concussions, Kill football players. Yes, this thing, and they put out $2 billion fucking dollars to pay out all these families. The only problem is they ain't paying nobody.

Why? I mean, they're not paying any money. Fucking, you know who's got it bad? Like the guy Gastinole? Who, by the way... More Gastino? His fucking wife had a baby yesterday. His ex-wife,

Rocky Balbo's ex-wife, had a kid yesterday 50. Oh, Bridget Nielsen. Four years old. Oh, remember, she left Rocky for fucking Mark Gathner. Bridget Nielsen had a kid at 50 fucking four yesterday, guys. That's crazy. That's crazy. You wouldn't do that?

I would be scared for my wife. The kid could have to re-fucking heads. Welcomes her fifth child. Yeah, 54 fucking years old. Had a kid yesterday. But she left. Rocky, I think. Wow. From Mark Gaston.

Mark Gaston was a bad motherfucker. Dude, he was a bad motherfucker in the NFL. He was fucking up the Patriots League. And he was living life crazy. He was living life crazy, that dude. Well, now he's got the disease. And he's going, yeah, we've all been this, that certified, doctors have said yes, NFL ain't paying.

So you have to look at a team, like, you have to look at football now and go, Jesus Christ, I can't support this no more. even though I really like it I can't support this no more they've all become fucking scumbags they've all become

scumbags that was one of the funniest things Ralphie sued Spellbinders because he fell through the stage when the time fuck that player your stage has got to be built for guys like me fell through their fucking stage that spellbinders you didn't know

we're spellbinders Spellbinders is the Houston improv when the Houston Improft first moved across the street from the improv now yeah was spellbinders spellbinders was a huge club in houston texas in the 90s and that's where ralphrey really cut his teeth on and the beef with ralphi and the lady was that he fell through the stage and then ralphi a judge us can you open that door if he's not there an attorney oh my goodness an attorney jesus christ an attorney was at the show and as they were pulling Ralphie out in the ambulance.

He's like, here you go play, call him here, some shit. Oh, shut up. So does Ralphie call the next day, and the guy told him that, you know, I looked at the thing and it was against code. Really? They didn't have no two-by-fours under there. You should sue him. And Ralphie's like, well, I'm never getting to work no more.

And the guy's like, fuck it, you can buy your own comedy club. That's how Ralphie's supposed. I don't know how true it is. I know he fell through the stage and sued him. Really? Did he get any money? Yeah, he got money. So the lady's name was like Kim Carnes, Kim something.

Look it up, Lee. Let's see if we could find Spellbinders, Houston, Texas. It probably closed in 97, 96. So Ralphie fell through the stage, as they were taking him to the hospital. Some lawyer came up to him and said sue him because I looked through the floor and they didn't have a fire, guarded, or whatever.

and Ralphie got him for a couple grand and I asked him years later like I found out on the sly like I didn't find out from him he never told me one day I asked him I go hey Ralphie I caught Kim Carnes looking for a job

is that the name? It closed in 2013 what was her name though Fiona it says Danny Martinez on this article right no no no that's the that's the comedy lap spot no no that's the lap spot

that's the lap in Houston they used to have the lab spot and the laugh stop and the lap stop I played the left stop with Pete yeah Pete Pirelli Pirelli the last spot was the other one

on the outskirts of Denver on the outskirts of Houston that was it was where they're fucking there were like animals out there and then there was spellbinders which was inside the city limits no it was outside the loop

that's why it's it and so then they opened the Houston improv there and then once the Houston Improv near to grow they moved across the street but yeah years later I said to him Ralphie I called Kim Carnes looking for a week and she said she couldn't give me a week because I was friends with you what's the problem that's how I got him like I didn't go right up Bert that's how I got him I didn't go up to him and go Ralphie did you really fall through the stage yeah I went up to him I'm like Ralphie I don't know what the fuck happened. I called

whatever her name was to get a week and she said I couldn't do it because I was friends with you. What'd you do over there? And he's like, oh, a player. You know, the fucking stage is fucked up. He tried to like go around it every way he could. And then somebody, I think Jody was in the back and she goes,

he fell to the fucking stage. Fuck you, bitch. No, I didn't. And they started getting into an argument or something shit. The thing had faulted tau. That's what he kept saying. They had faulted towel. I had no faulty tile. Faulty tile. He jumped to something and went right fucking through the thing. Oh, that's fucking hilarious. So I think he sued him. I asked him years later why. He said because they did something shitty to him. They didn't pay the hospital bill, something. Oh, really? So he said,

fuck him. I sued him. Like, whatever. I think he paid for that forerunner with it or whatever. Pay for that forer. Remember the forerunner? Yeah, yeah. Remember when he felt through the chair at my house? Don't bring that up, please. He was like, I can't stop laughing. Last time I couldn't stop laughing for days. He had no recollection of it, and I think he came on and did your podcast, and you talked about it. No, we talked about it.

And he texted me, he's like, playing a lot off, fall through a baby house. It's hard to believe he's been gone almost a year. I said to Ila in the car today. I said, I wish she wanted to get fried chicken and watch TV. So we were going to get fried chicken, and I said, should hear you home tonight? And I said, yeah, I'm home, but I'm going over to do Joey's

podcast. She goes, what was the name of the big guy? And I go, Ralphie? She goes, no, I think it's Tommy. I said, no, you're thinking of Tommy Buns. And she goes, Tommy Buns and Ralphie are two different people. I go, yeah, they're two different people. She goes, what's Ralphie doing? And I said, he's dead. And she went, oh. And just sat there silent. She's like, yeah, babies, didn't he? I was like, yeah. She's like, where are they? I said, I think they're in the hills. I don't know where they live now. Meaning, it's very sad. Yeah. And bum's me out. Where were you last weekend? We did, uh, we did the, me, Salvo Cano, Napargozzi, and Kyle Canaan did the Shea Performing Arts Center for Chicago Theater and the Fox Theater in Detroit.

Like a three-day run. It was hard, man. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna, I'm not one of someone who can work at night, fly in the morning, work at night, fly in the morning, work at night. I can go into one place and do a weekend, but that, that three-day run is gonna, I'm supposed to do a bunch of them starting in January, and I don't know if I got it in me. Like, I may need to find a workaround, like a tour bus or a sprinter,

and just get done the show and drive that night. I don't know if I can fucking fly every day like that. It kind of takes, took it out of me. It's like I did that Australian tour, where I did Perth, Melbourne, Sydney. I did like five cities in Australia.

And it was set up, they kind of fucked it up, so that it was set up, up were supposed to be like a day into a place fly hang out for a day perform hang out for day fly hang out like but uh i had to go and do press so i had to fly back and forth from melbourne like twice or three times and i ended up flying and performing every single day and i was a fucking mess like a mess and so i'm i got to i got to figure a way to do a tour i can't do it the way like sagura just goes in and does a show and then leaves he doesn't say hi to any

Anybody just leaves, goes home, watches TV, gets up, gets on the earliest flight, flies in, takes a nap, performs, gets out of there. Like, he's out of the venue. I went out and did a meet and greet with the audience in Chicago because it was like, they were like, you know, there's still, it's a 3,500 cedar. There's still, you know, 700 people waiting to say hi. And the way my brain works, I know this isn't healthy and I know this isn't popular and I know this isn't what everyone else does. but part of me says if I paid to go see one of my favorite comics

it would be cool if he would take the time to come out and try to say hi to me and so I went out I did a meet and greet with everyone waiting in the street they were like security guards and barriers and cops but you just go out and you just go let's circle them out get your phones in selfie mode let's do selfies

and people were cool and I did probably did maybe I don't know how many people but I did a couple hundred few hundred people of selfies in a really short time. But I don't know if I can do that every fucking night, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I enjoy doing the pictures.

Yeah. Some clubs now, because we do clubs. Yeah. I don't want to do a theater. So the clubs will tell you. I mean, we talked about this. We talked about this. The club will tell you, Joey, I'm sold out the second show.

You can't go out there. Yeah. You can't go out there. You'll cause fucking pandemonium. It's too slow. Yeah. The show won't start to 1130. Do us to favor.

Just fuck it. the second show and that's what I do. That clubs, there's nothing you can do. I love to meet them. I love to fucking... If you do the meet and greet, then you are literally doing the meet and greet and then walking right on stage. On stage. You don't get any time to like sit back, relax, go over your net.

And what kills me is that the people that are coming in for the second show or come and take pictures. Oh, that drives me fucking nuts. And it drives you crazy. So now you can't do it. You can't do it because it was supposed to be 100 people. But now it turned into 350 and you see the people taking pictures and going in and going And so you took a, you know what I'm saying?

So now you cannot do it. You cannot do it. I love to work, and I love doing comedy. But here's the fucking bottom line. I'm an older gentleman now. And you know what, man? It burns me the fuck out. And I'll tell you what else.

I'm not a feature no more. If I was featured, I wouldn't give a fuck because it really doesn't matter. Yeah. They're not there to see me. I don't give a fuck. When I was a feature, yeah, I'll come out and drink all night and I'll work every week Because it doesn't matter I don't have to take pictures you know many people want to take pictures with me Three losers that don't like the headliner but like me that's it you're better than the headliner

We like your life oh that's great and these are the guys I'm gonna call see you here on my name Tell them that they like me more on the headline shut the fuck up You know but that's the truth so yeah you cannot give your all And like that's why I don't do it every week. I cannot do it. It's a lot. I look at those guys like when you hear about like, you know, those Disney stars or the Jonas brothers or, you know, those people who do the meet and greet and who give everything to their fans like Dane used to. I go, man, that's a lot of fucking, that's a lot of Alba. It's a reason. I mean, Seguero's not a dick. He just goes, I can't, you physically cannot do it. You know, I remember texting Rogan one time. I was like, hey, what are you? I was at the Wilbur. I was like, am I supposed to do a meet and greet? There's 1,200 people here. Yeah. He was like, I can't do a meet and greet. You can't do a meet. You. You can't do a meet. greet for a theater. And you can't. At the Wilbur, when I did the Wilbur last time, I did one show, early show, couldn't do a mean greet. And there were people upset with me, like upset. They bring presents. They draw drawings. They make a care basket. And they're like, I just wanted to say hi.

And then the late show, I was like, I was like, fuck it. I'll go to the bar down the street. If you want to meet me and say hi, go down to the bar. I showed up. I know lie. There was probably 500 people armed to arm in a bar. And I was like, maybe that was a bad idea. Well, see, the problem at the bar is, that I have a problem with this, I'll meet you at a bar, but there's only one problem. As soon as the first camera comes out, I'm leaving. Yeah.

That's it. That's my deal. I'll meet you at the bar. But as soon as the first camera comes out, or the first stupid fucking question about the Joe Rogan podcast, episode 48, when I was on there with Bert Kreischer and I talked about the Martians landing in Cuba,

that's when I got to go. Like, I got to go. I just did two shows. I don't know what I talked about in episode 484 of Joe Rogan. No, do I want to remember? So many people. Tell me about Joe Rogan. And he was a great guy.

And they're like, no, no, no, tell me more about him. The best is when they come up to you and go, hey, man. Tell Joe to come on back and see us. Yeah, I'll tell them right tomorrow morning. Hey, I got this for you. Would you take this to Joe for me? No. Nope.

Take it yourself. Mail it to them yourself. Fucking, God forbid. I'm going to fucking. You know, yesterday we had a conversation about the emails that we get. Yeah. And like the creepy emails you get from people demanding things. like demanding things like oh well you know i'm doing this thing and i want you to give it to joe and tell

joe that i need this and and you're like fucking tell joe yourself first off joe doesn't answer a fucking email joe doesn't respond to an email or a fucking tweet he knows better yeah he keeps him way a fucking distance we're the only assholes that talk and say hello and shit like that he does meet and greets which he's great at yeah he's really good at meeting greet but he don't take no shit when we're meeting greet he don't take no shit he is very very good at meeting greet he don't take no He is very quick. He's very courteous. He's like, all right, come on, let's do it.

Awesome. Thank you so much, brother. See you later. Hey, man, excuse me. That time you talked about the tub, get the fuck out of here. Who knows what the fuck I said? That was eight years ago.

You want to talk about a tub now? Those are fucking hilarious when you see the guy go, I just have one question about chemtrails. If you could talk to Eddie about this and Joe's like, buddy, I'm sorry, it's over. Thank you so much for the picture. Who's next?

Let's go. I wish I could be more like that. I get the fuck in. I have to tell him. I have to tell him, listen. Not tonight, guys. Knock it off. My problem with pictures,

my problem with, like, going to hang out at a bar and people bringing out cameras is that it's always the girl who wants the fifth or seventh picture. She wants to keep taking pictures. You're like, you got one already. You got one taking her before. And then they go get people.

Oh. Hey, you recognize this guy from Brothers to Conkwin. The guy's like, not really. Yeah. Can you take a picture with my friend? He doesn't know. Why do you bring him over here? soliciting for me. Why are you soliciting fucking pictures?

If I see somebody sitting in a conversation, I do not bother him. If I see somebody involved in a conversation, my world is done. My minute to talk to them, that's how my mom raised me. I don't know how your mom raised you that when somebody's in a conversation, you have the right to come over and tap somebody in the shoulder

and ask them to take a picture. that's completely wrong in my world yeah the one that's completely wrong in my world the one that gets me because I love going to see comedy is when I'm in the back of a show and when people I've had people when other comedians are on stage

try to take a picture and I it doesn't happen to me that often so I still like taking pictures just because it's weird but to do it in the middle of a show when someone's when a comic's on stage they have no fucking class no class it's at the end up we went to irene's room

the what's the name of it roomy cafe the roomy cafe and there was a guy talking while a girl was on stage like a comic talking like about his before like a bird in my next yeah thank you that's it yep birded my next it's it okay if I do the joke about the pigeon

what you say it's it okay if I do the joke about the pigeon I really want to try it I'm doing an HBO showcase and I'm shut the fuck up shut the fuck up there's somebody on stage Do you not see somebody on stage? Watch with the fucking questions. They drive me fucking crazy.

Yeah. Or they eat. Or they just do little things that you sit there and go, is this necessary? There was a guy at Rumi coloring or drawing the other day. You know, and listen, I know it's an open mic? You know how many fucking poetry readings I snuck into emboldened after a start of comedy? Yeah. But after a while, I got the hint and I stopped going.

They didn't want me there. If you show up with a guitar to an open mic, I'm going to break it over your fucking head. You know what I'm saying? Especially like a musician. Like if there's a comedy open mic, don't come in here with folk music. I don't want to hear your fucking folk boring music, man.

I really don't. Save it for a music. I don't go to music open mics for a reason. Because I'm disrespecting you guys. Why would you bring a guitar and want to play it at the roomy fucking cafe for when it's all comedians trying to, it's getting weirder and fucking.

weird around that. Oh, fuck. The people are the guys that bring the guitar on the plane. Those are the best. They're not even in the fucking band.

Like, why are you guarding this guitar? And then they sit all the way in the back. So that means they got to take a whole fucking space for that measly $233. They got to take the whole

fucking space with their fucking wooden guitar because it's a piece of shit and they can't check it. It drives me crazy when I see a guy checking a skateboard on a guitar

or a surfboard. or a surfboard i want to fucking show up their fucking ass i flew with the skateboard once i believe it and the guy and i was i was every time i see with a skateboard i make believe like i didn't see the skateboard i got on the plane and i had a skateboard and the guy said to me uh going to see your son and i was like what i looked like a divorced dad he just goes going i was at a bar he was going to see your son and get him a skateboard and i was like no it's my skateboard he was like god you skateboard i was like Yeah, he goes, how old are you? I was like, 43? He was like, wow, you got to be careful, man. You could really hurt yourself.

And I was like, wait, what? And then I was like, and then I looked at it. I was like I don't look like I'm cool with the skateboard. I just look like I'm taking this home for my son. You know, when you see those dads coming home from drop off on their scooters, like the dad's kicking the scooter home. And you can say, oh, the kid rode the scooter to school. The dad's taking it home. So that's why I stop. Now the girls, the girls have taken over all my skateboards. Really? I'm the girls good with the skateboard. They are they just, they got into it like a couple months? ago and

and so they go out in the front street and skateboard around there. It's a one-way street so they just skate around and I like it. Of course I'm a helicopter parent. I make them wear helmets and the fucking pads. I'm like, no, you can't. I can't. I can't imagine that my dad

didn't even know I had a skateboard and just was like I was hitting ramps with nothing as a kid. Like how many fucking head injuries did I have growing up? I've had probably like legit six concussions I think just you know just being a kid not knowing that explains it

yeah that explains this behavior and fucking skateboards calling tom cigar a fat fucking cigar is disgusting do I've gained so much weight after running that fucking marathon now running that marathon was the dumbest thing I ever did why because I did it and I couldn't walk for like a week and then I couldn't run for like a month so for a month I didn't get to work out for a month

month. Like I could not use my legs. I couldn't use my upper body and I put on 10 pounds that month quick as shit. And now I'm, now I've got a nutritionist. Nutritionalist, nutritionist, nutritionist and a coach and I'm training for a triathlon. Isn't that longer than a marathon? No, triathlon is much easier, I think of my opinion. It's a short swim like quarter mile, half mile swim, 10, 15 mile bike ride. and like a three to five mile jog or run. All the things you don't do. Let me get some Tony Bennett.

All the things you don't fucking do. You want to do now. Yeah, I'm starting. What's this? Tony Bennett. This is Tony Bennett. This is the song I'm playing for you for the triathlete. I want to be around to pick up the pieces.

When somebody breaks. your heart some somebody twice as smart as I a somebody who let me get some shout out on my man Matthew Humphrey

Ralph Weimer Saw-Tuitable Rob Dukes Edward Kaz Kinnakov Jimmy's brother Curtis Stillwell Brandon Pagano and Roney Man.

The Ice House, the 7th of July, is sold out. All I got left is the 13th and 14th at the South Point Casino in motherfucking Las Vegas. I'll see you there. I got nothing in July. I got that,

and I got the Utah tour. I got the Burbank Airport tour. All the June and July. That's how I do it. I only have one gig in July. That's it. You know how weird that is for me. Where are you going?

I'm hosting this thing called Roverfest, which is a big event, big festival in Cleveland, and I'm doing two shows Thursday, two shows Friday at hilarities, like right before Rovers Fett, in the middle of the month, I think 18th and 17th of June, July. That's a good place to be. You're going to sweat your fucking balls off. That's going to be hot as fuck. Hot as fuck.

But the Cleveland Indians are in town. You'll have a good time. And you're home the rest of the time of you. I'm home. I go off to Pittsburgh this weekend. I do a theater, Burnham, Bynum. And then I'm doing a live podcast the next day, and that's it. And then I'm done.

I'm done for three weeks straight. I do the July date. And then I'm done for another three weeks, two weeks. I can't fucking wait. I'm done this week. I got nothing next week. You going to be going to the store? Nope.

Yeah. I'm going to do Lee's thing. They called today. I was like, I'm doing Lee's thing tomorrow night. And I was like, I think I'm just going to do one gig. I got one joke I'm working on. about poor people and then that's it i'm not in the mood like i just did a month and a half of pressure work yeah and i'm not in the mood for it i agree man you know what if i want to do comedy i want to do

it if i don't want to do it i don't want to go nowhere yeah that's it that's the program i'm on for the next couple weeks i got to go to Vegas which is just a workout it's an hour workout two nights and i got to go to utah i've been writing a little bit nothing too serene but i had to start giving it a breathe i had to start doing this like music You know what man it's been a long time and I'd rather focus on podcasting focus on writing focus on different things than constantly on the road it takes a toll on you like I tell these agents they got no creativity they have no creativity there's a thousands of dollars online and you want me to carry my luggage to Pittsburgh I'm not doing it guy I'm not doing it

I'm trying to get the fuck off the fucking road like I'm trying to get the fuck off the road like one week a month is fine I don't know I got a kid to raise. Yeah. I don't want to end up like these guys. I don't want to end up like these guys, bro. You want your daughter to end up like Pryor's daughter walking around telling people my dad. No.

Stop it. Your dad didn't even know what the fuck you were because he was gone half the fucking time. And I'm not mad at him. I did the same thing with my first daughter. This is what you commit to. Yeah. But I don't want to do that the second time. I don't want to do it right now.

Yeah. I want to make sure. I had a meeting the other day with this guy. he was like, what do you want to do? I was like, I want to do a four-camera sitcom that shoots a CBS Radford. I can ride my bike there. That's it. Yeah.

If that ain't it, don't bother me. That's all I want to do. I don't know what the fuck else you want to do. I wouldn't mind, I genuinely wouldn't mind if a company got invested in what I do digitally, like the podcast and shooting videos and like taking what I'm doing a little bit to the next level and putting money into it and getting a studio, not a studio, but you know, like what Rogan has like a much. smaller scale and doing stuff out of there every day going there every day i could do that very

easily be very comfortable do the road when i want to but not like but not be beholden to the road the way i am now but the reason i'm beholden to the road now is that's the way i write also like i can't when i'm home i try to be a dad first i try to hang out with the girls and the girls don't want me doing spots i don't do spots you know yeah they go to sleep but georgia said one time remember the night we were going to go for the for jack junior's birthday yeah and i was like yeah i'll meet you there. I got in the car with Georgia, and I go, just drop me off with the ha-ha. Joey's, Joey would be there. I'll get a ride back from Joe with Joey. And, uh, Georgia got in the car. And she goes, it would be nice if you came home with us. I said, okay, I can come home and I'll just

get an Uber over there. She goes, no, I mean like, and you were there when we woke up. I go, I'm going to be there when you woke up, wake up. She goes, no, but like to know you're in bed when I go to bed that, that you're asleep there. I was like, oh, fuck. I go, that bothers you? And she goes, yeah, it kind of bothers me. My dad's out. I was like, oh, shit. It does. It does. My wife tells me. Mercy says little things from her from time to time.

It's little things. Yeah. And you know what? I have to pay bills. I have to do what I have to do to keep the fucking lights on. But I also don't want to. I think a Ralphie every day. I think of Richard Jenny all the time.

Yeah. I think of Mitch Hedberg. I think of a lot of fucking comics, bro, that had a way to make a living here. And the agents just threw them on the road. That's their easiest, viable. option. Oh, I've got them on the fucking road. And what happens is, it's like anything else. It's like anything else.

It's like when the girl strips. It's like when the girl's been working at fucking the greenhouse juicery all fucking day. Making eight bucks an hour and tips in the jar. And she goes up to van eyes and shakes her pussy for an hour and makes a thousand bucks. What are the chance of that girl's going to squeeze another fucking orange ever again?

No. It's very fucking tough. Then you buy a house. Now they got you in debt. Now you have a kid. Now guess what? Now you got to go out on the road and once you have to go on the road that's a horrible feeling you have to go on the road and be funny it's not bueno feeling it's a point oh feeling when you're on top and you want to go on the road and you're happy and you want to make them laugh and you know that you're going home in the morning you don't have to do this for another week i look forward to

hugging that dude and taking pictures of people and giving them 100 percent of what i got But it's like anything else. That's why baseball is such a difficult fucking sport to play. All these professional athletes. Dude, I have thought this so fucking loves. Think about that, that you have to be great for 160 games, and you can't be great for 160 games. You cannot.

If I go out 20 times a fucking year at five shows a weekend, that's how many shows? How many fucking what is that? That's 100 shows. That's 100 shows. I'm going to eat dick. 88, I'm going to do a 78%. Yeah. Okay? I'm going to do

78%. But that's not bad. That means people are going to come fucking see me. But the more I go out, the more bad sets I'm going to have. It just makes fucking sense. You can't kill eight nights a fucking week. You cannot do it. You cannot be on top of your game. And like what you

said about the marathon, you're a great athlete. You got a Mickey Mantle gene. You did the whole thing. You ran the 26 miles, but what good was it? You couldn't walk for a mile. I left after that. That's why I'm training for this track on. What do I tell you all the time about working out? Remember when I used to go to Jiu-Jitsu on Monday and I couldn't walk the rest of the week?

And then I would go to Jitsu Monday and Tuesday and I would do the 80-pound kettlebell. And I'd walk around like an 80-pound man because I couldn't do it. Last week I went to J-Jitsu three fucking times, two conditioning classes and three kickboxing classes. I can never do that. You have to pace yourself. What are you looking at that, Bert? I'm looking at Lee. I was trying to figure out what Lee was doing with his hands under the air.

I'm just doing the cameras. I was wondering how the fuck you did cameras. But, no, but, geez. What's this guys? What's that, motherfucker? Shut the fuck up. That's right, bitches. That's hand quickness.

I've been doing that since I was a kid. I've been doing this shit since I was a kid. I can get these motherfuck all day long. All day long, I get these motherfuckers. I've never been able to do that. That's because you've never seen the man that died. People have no idea. When I was a kid, I used to kill flies and put them in a stack and let them on fire.

What? Oh, yeah. This is a big biking funeral for the flies. I call Dean LaPriek right now. One of my good friends said, I remember when you were a kid one time, you kill like 100 flies in an hour, and you put them in a circle and you put the gasoline on them and let them all on fire. Oh, my God. I would take their wings off and shit.

I'm definitely telling my therapist then. Sometimes I would, you know what I do? Sometimes I kill a fly and I feed it to Lulu. I take the wings off and I get my cat Lulu. Lulu, come here. Look at this cat. The fucking flies. She goes bananas. God, we have flies in our backyard, and I never can do that. Oh, I kill them. I kill ten flies a day. Easy.

Really? With hand quickness. Fuck you. And if they're on a wall, I can just squish them. They don't even see me coming. I can do a wall with a towel. I love them when they're on a window and they get kind of goofy because when they're on the window, the sun goes in their eyes, they're kind of goofy. Oh, my God, I light them on fire. You ever light them on fire? You take their wings off and put a light to them

and hear them fucking screech? No. You little filthy fire. Watch, I fucking kill this one. Land, land, I dare you. He's in the land close to Lee. Have you ever seen the people who tie strings on fly's legs? Oh my God.

What do they do? I think I did that one time. I did some creepy. Somehow you catch the fly. I don't know how you catch the fly and you freeze it. And then it gets mind dizzy. And then you tie a string on its leg and you hold and you tie it like this. And they just go, z-d-d-d-z-d-z-d-d-d-d-d-.

Does Peter care about flies? I don't get what. We're going to get something that they care about flies. Fuck, Peter. Hold on one second. A la, la, la, la, la, la. I spray stuff like that at the flies. I spray like lysol or any like bleach.

Hairspray. Hairspray would freeze a fly. It would just go, I don't have any hairspray at homework. And then you'd light them on fly. Remember, the final result was lighting them on fire. What a terrifying feeling for a fly. So you hear them going, our cats bringing in rats lately?

No. Is eating them? Is eating them? them. But today she brought in a baby rat, like fresh out, like there must have been a nest. And he brought in a baby rat. And it was still moving. It was kind of limping. And so we made a little nest and put it up in the tree for the rat to grow up so we can only kill it later. But Island, Georgia, wouldn't, didn't want to kill it. They were like, dad, we got to, we should take it to the vet and see if we can get it back to nurse it to health. And I was like, we're just

going to kill it. Like, we're just going to put a rat trap out to kill it. But so we made it fucking nest. How big of the rat that he come in with the other day? big. Oh, that's not. That's a baby one. But it comes in with the ones, like this big, tail out this long. Yeah.

And they're still alive. Those ones are always dead. Oh, thank God. Always dead. I stepped on one the other day. I was walking through the house. I stepped on it. And I was like, fucking, what was that?

And I turned around. I'm like, motherfucker. Lost my shit. Is that why you don't have cats outside, Joey? Yeah. Oh, cats are fucking, they are hunters. I watch this cat sit at our bird of paradise, just sit like this, just sit watching them, like for an hour, just staring.

And then all of a sudden just, leap, grab it, and just bring it inside. That's what the book Cat Wars is about. Cat Wars is about people getting pissed off at cats because they kill everything. But what people don't know is that they even, they even fucking let them out of Disneyland that night. That's how they keep Disneyland clean that night. Really? They let out thousands of cats and they eat all the mice and all the garbage and all the bugs and shit like that.

For real. But there's this book Cat Wars. What the people trying to do is to fucking people that kill all cats in the neighborhood because they kill birds. They're the worst hunters in the world. Cats, our cats killed a bunch of birds. You don't know the strength of a cat. And I think who was saying the story the other day? It was Damon.

Was it Damon that was telling the story in here that we shot a video and the cats were out? No, Damon wasn't here. Well, somebody was telling a story that... God damn it, Joey. There you go, two for two. Did that go on my fucking beer? Probably. Fuck.

He was telling the story that he shot a video at my house and that the cats were out. And you could feel the energy from the cats. You come home at one in the morning. And we'll take a bird out with a stick Like a fake bird.

Oh. You start playing with the cats and watch what happens to your home. Yeah, they'll fucking go. Your home goes up to a different decibel. You can feel it in the air, the power of the cats, especially when you have four or five of them and they're sitting around the circle. Their alertness is so fucking high

because at night they turn into fucking ice, cold killers. Yeah. At night, they are killers. They are known to be fucking killers. So if you're in a living room with a cat, like at night, sometimes I get high and I'm like, what the fuck is going on in the living room? It's because there's four cats in the room, and they're sitting at opposite ends. And I'm in the middle of that fucking spectrum.

You can hear the fucking hunterness. They're killers. They're savages. Savages. That's the show I pitched to Animal Planet about cat wars, about the book, to go around and let people know. And then we went down to the place downtown and the flower store that that lady, that lady owns a business in LA

that if you have problems with your cats with rats instead of using pesticides, they'll come to your business. Leave cats there and food to give them and where to put them at night and everything. So you don't have to use pesticides in your restaurant. Really? It's credited the whole thing.

Like if you have food and you have rats, in that neighbor, you call this lady and within 30 days, because she inherited the flower market downtown LA in the big market down there, and didn't know how to get rid of the rats. The rats kept eating the gladiolos or the white

roses. There's something that they eat and they couldn't figure out how to kill the rats and she just started putting cats down there. And the rats have disappeared. And she goes, the rats were bigger than the fucking cats at one point. The rats in our backyards, we have an

orange tree, we have a bird of paradise. The bird of paradise, we have this, this dude who cuts our bird of paradise, or not a bird of paradise, it's a queen palm. It's just big, like, it looks like a big pineapple. And we have this guy, Mr. Gamble, was an old black man. And he, one time he got up there and he's like, man, you're damn lucky, I ain't scared of rats.

And we said, yeah, and he goes, man, you got more rats in here than I've ever seen in my life. because they all go into the orange tree, grab the oranges, take them back to the bird of paradise and eat them. So we have tons of rats. And man, we had, we had, ever since this cat, we got this cat, she just started, this cat's fucking up, rats. Can you plug up that tree or something?

No, you got to get rid of the orange tree. You just got to get rid of it. Because there's squirrels eat out. We were killing, they have rat traps, but they have rat traps that, you know, you can't just put out of rat traps. It's going to kill squirrels too. So it was, it was tough. But thankfully our fucking, and cat just kills rats now, like two a day? Do you ever see rats in the man cave? No, no, never.

I would lose my fucking shit. But I keep the doors shut at night. But yeah, I would lose my shit. They could still creep in. I had a squirrel coming in the man cave one time in the middle of a podcast. Came in the, and I forget who I was with. He was some New York guy, and he's like, there's a fucking squirrel in here? I was like, oh, yeah.

Because he picked an orange out of the tree and it rolled into the man cave. Like it dropped and rolled in. and the squirrel just came in, grabbed the orange, and started eating the guts out of the orange in front of them. And I was so used to it that I don't think of anything about it. And whoever it was was like, what the fuck? Who's, hey, I got a goddamn squirrel in here? But yeah, I have a pellet gun that I used to shoot rats with at night.

I just shoot rats. Then you got to do the, you got to clean it up. So I did like two rats. And then I was like, I don't want to fucking pick up dead rats in my backyard. And they just, they breed like crazy. They were in our attic for a while. And we had to have someone close up our attic fence because they had just chewed holes through the, what you can call it,

and you'd hear them running around the attic. That's a horrible feeling. Oh. That's when I get up and get a hotel room. Yeah. That's it. Once I hear them in the ceilings or in the walls, you lost me, Jack. And you're like, fuck, laying in bed going,

that rat's going to crawl in my mouth in the middle of the night. Yeah. I'll tell you the worst one we had was we had an infestation of Black Widow spiders. Oh. That was the worst because we saw one day we saw one. We were getting ready. We were leaving at night and there was one crawling on the shutter by our door. And I said to my wife, I go, fucking Black Widow spider.

She goes, you know, I've seen a couple on the front patio. We should Google it. How can you tell? They have the hourglass. They've got the thing on their back. You can easily tell it's a Black Widow spider. No question is asking you. Tell it's a Black Widow spider.

The red thing on their back, I think. So we go and go online. they say blackwood of spiders are nesting at this time of year and they put these like little they almost look like tennis ball nesting things under things flip over your lawn furniture and see if you have them that way you can tell joey we flipped over those adirondocks in our front yard and there were 30 on each chair it was just covered and i started freaking the fuck out we went we got spray we started spraying and then we started looking i have you know you know that uh we used to have this thing in our backyard it was a it's like a it's a birdhouse but it says uh they're very popular uh i saw

rock city is like a birdhouse i looked inside this thing with a fucking flashlight i'm not fucking lying to you there was maybe 30 black widow spiders all crawling around inside it and i started losing my fucking shit grown black widow spiders grown black widow spiders how you slept since dude i got to the point where then i was like we had wood all on the side and i i started looking for them and then leanne got bit by one and so So we had Clark's pest control come out and this guy was like, bro, I've never seen so many Black Widow spiders in my entire life. And now to put it in perspective, we were never paying attention to them and we never once

got bit by them. But then Leanne, once we started paying attention, Leanne got bit, she put her arm through the IV to grab something and she was like, oh, son of a bitch, something just bit me. And she got, she swole up and got sick and, but you know, Leanne's a tough redneck, she lived through it. But we have had Clark's pest control once a month come out and, and, you know, she's swole up and spray the living fuck out of our yard. Like spray everything.

And now I haven't seen one. I haven't seen one in like a year, two years. But yeah, it was, dude, I had a hard time sleeping at night. I used to say to Leanne, there's two times in my life, life before Black Widow spiders and life after Black Widow spiders. I couldn't enjoy the front yard. I couldn't. I couldn't.

When I was a kid, I had a neifestation of mice right before my mother died in that fucking house. Yeah. And it changed me forever. Like I had never seen anything like that in my life. Oh, my God. I'd never seen anything like that. Like I had been to people's houses and I saw a mouse. But to see thousands of mice in your house.

No, there weren't that many mice. Yes, they were. I would sit in the room watching TV and I'd see them. They made tunnels. They were to the point where the tunnels would go. When they built the Meadowlands, all those animals moved up. Possums. I remember walking home one night hammered from Steve Avillo's house.

I heard this fucking thing jump. And I looked, and it was a possum the size of a human. It was like a little gorilla jumping from a tree. And he was holding on with those hoof hands. And I fucking ran home like a fucking fag. Because I never saw a possum that big in my life. And I saw it's Jersey. There's possums everywhere.

I told Rogan this. He didn't believe me. When I was a kid, a possums and rats would come in people's toilets. And what they do is the cops come to the house. And they put a netting. in between the toilet seat and the back and they pop the thing open and they shoot the rat or the possum

right in your toilet. New York City, bro? Really? Rats come into the fucking toilet system. Nope. You're shitting and there's a rat in your fucking toilet. Oh, fuck that. Can you imagine that shit? Can you imagine that shit? Next time you talk to... Fuck, you're going to ruin... I won't be able to shit

comfortably. Do you ever go to talk to Opie? Yeah. Opie and Jimmy and all those guys. Next time you talk to Jim Norton or Opie, Opie. Opie was telling you to talk to... me a story that in New York there's so many rats now that they're not even waiting for the sun to come up before they go out now that now they go out looking for food when the sun's out so your kids playing at the park and there's rats all over the fucking park looking for food

that's how bad that is I cannot deal with the I can't even look at a mouse I saw a mouse with you was it with you I saw a mouse the other day with somebody in the car was in a car with somebody and we were by Bank of America over on Laurel Canyon Chase Chase right back there yeah and I went back there to pee or something I saw a fucking mouse I almost died I never see a mouse out in the street everyone's always he a big fucking black rat right by the office here oh dude we had it we had our thing in Florida were cockroaches oh my god you just took the words out of my mouth to cockroaches I remember when I was a kid Cuban people they brought cockroaches with

Listen, I tell the truth. I tell the truth. Okay, that's one thing. I'd say things about people, but I also include myself when I fuck up. Nobody had roaches to the Puerto Ricans or Cubans came. That's the fucking truth. I did the fucking research, and that's the truth.

Cockaroches? Those Cuban cockroaches, bro, those things that are like this. Cockaroches? Those fucking cockroaches that come from Cuba, that they open up. And they fly? They can fly. Dog, I don't give a fuck what anybody says. Those are Cuban cockroaches.

vouch for it. I claim responsibility. That's what happens. That's why the Cubans killed. That's why they killed Kennedy. Ooh, those things bothered me so much. They are disgusting just to look at. And when you step on them, they crunch. Don't you like the people who have hissing cockroaches

for pets? Oh, yeah, I hang out with the rest of it. What the fuck? Madagascar hiss and cockroaches is the thing. Don't listen to him. He don't know. He's a whatever fucking call. He's a dude. He's a polar-retter boy. He lives down the corner. We let him hang out with some time to time. When I was in like kindergarten or first grade I was laying in bed and I was looking at the ceiling and I couldn't

figure out what was moving on the ceiling and all of a sudden it drops and lands on my chest and it's a fucking two inch cockroach on my chest and I lost my fucking shit and I couldn't sleep in my bed alone for another year I was in a store I was eating sushi in New York as a grown up at like 25 years old and we're eating sushi and I keep feeling this someone throwing shit my hair and I'm turning around and there's this group laughing, like, behind me. So they do it once. I'm like, what the fuck? They do it the second time, and I turn around.

It happens the third time. I go, hey, are you guys throwing shit at me? And they're like, no. I go, what the fuck you're laughing at? And they're like, it's a cockroach that's flying into your hair. And it was fucking falling in my hair and flying out. Like three different times. And I went, ha!

I got up, walked out. I was like, oh, my God, I want to throw up. Dude, fucking roaches are the, that is, that in Florida, they would be infested. of Congress. I can't stand them. And in New York, too. Listen, I saw a fucking, I had to be six, maybe five.

And this is how much it sunk into my fucking psyche. I saw a fucking, my godmother used to have a wolf. They used to call him at Lobo. This dog, his fucking eyes would shine. He was evil. And he would hunt the rats in the basement. I mean, big New York rats in the 60s. I'm talking fucking rats with heads.

But one night, I went back to the table. Tyler wolf up, me and Raul. Raul was my god. He wasn't my godfather. He was married to my godmother. I'll never forget this. We made a turn, and I swar a roach that had to be the size of a small mouse. And what I stuck out in my head was his eyes.

He wasn't no fucking water bug. I'll tell you that. I know the difference between those Cuban cockroaches and a regular fucking roach. A Cuban cockroach will fly at you. It'll go right in your face. Right in your face, dog. You'll shit your fucking. You're fucking, and when you're, the tentacles, the way the tentacles move and the legs, when you step on them.

And when your cat eats them, if your cat eats them, the one leg sticks out of their fucking mouth. E, he, he, keeps falling like that. It's fucking crazy, that shit. And I know for a fact, it was Cubans and Puerto Ricans brought those roaches. I'm not accusing nobody. I'm not saying nothing. There's certain nationalities that brought certain creatures to this, you know, you go to fucking Miami. They got everything.

between the Brazilians, the fucking, all that South American, they brought every fucking spider, dude, every fucking snake. Boa, Boas. The Boas run. And I'm not accusing anybody. I'm just saying it comes in your luggage. College boys, college boys are the reason that pythons are all over Florida. And myself included, my buddy Chris Carter bought a python, a ball python and put it in a cage.

And then in the middle of the year, it was just gone. It was gone. And we were like, hey, man, your python. got out and he was like oh fuck and then we realized we're living with a python in our house that there's a python floating around our house and then we don't know where it is how big was

this thing it was probably this big probably maybe like three feet at the time let's say four feet tops tops but don't they grow okay yeah they grow but they don't grow really fast ball pythons aren't that they don't get that big but it's enough to fucking it's enough to scare the living fuck out of you so he has a ball python it gets out we're afraid or afraid for like a week and we forget

about it. And the only time he brings it up again is the day we're moving out where you're in college. You have like loads of laundry. You just grab an armfuls of laundry, put him in garbage bags. And he just comes in and I have a closet filled with laundry. He goes, if you see my ball python, remember to grab it for me. Like, hold on to it. Don't kill it. And I went, oh my God. Now I'm reaching into bags of laundry just going like, what if I feel a fucking snake in the middle? Like it was the scariest moving process I've ever had in my fucking life. But we never saw it. And now they have pythons all through the Everglades. They're pythons

in backyards attacking children in Florida. Like pythons run rampant in Florida. And that is fratboys right there. That is frat boys and fucking rednecks. Rednecks they just didn't want their python and just like, I'm done with it. Put it in the backyard. Let it go. But yeah.

I had iguanas. Never let them go. I had nothing. I had a dog grown up. Like normal fucking people. Yeah. I didn't have no hamsters. I didn't want nothing. Nothing.

I have no love for nothing. Then finally, when my mom died, those people had a cat. And that's how I started liking cats. Oh, really? He used to bring home everything. Yeah. Everything. Birds, animals.

I'll never forget being coked up one morning and not being able to sleep and being, like, laying on the bed. And Frisky was his name. Black and white. He climbed up on me, and the window was open with the screen. And there was like a blue bird. I'll never forget him, like, he would make that noise with his mess. mouth. That noise is fucking amazing.

He would go and I go Frisky, go get him. And fucking two hours later, Frisky would have that bird in the living room. That's fucking amazing. The cats can do that. He was bringing home skunks. He was bringing home fucking squirrels. That cat was tough. And his ear was missing.

His leg was missing. He got the fights with fucking everything. Yeah. And everybody. They had a dog in my neighborhood. Jimmy Balzano had him. Jim Balzano was a gay dude. I love him to death, but he had a dog growing up.

He wasn't gay when he was a kid when he was fucking chicks two of the time when he was a young kid because they all thought he was good looking. Yeah. But he was like George Michael. He was hiding the secret. So I still can't believe George Michael is gay. Dude, we used to dress like him? I watched that show. It was fucking great.

The autopsy of George Michael and the fucking final hours and his lonely. How lonely he was and shit at the end. When I moved here, they caught, like, I moved here when I lay was on fire. Like, I moved here on a Monday, and that Friday was a North Hollywood shootout. Shut the fuck up. And I was out my way up to get a job with Doug Stanhope's car. I borrowed Doug Stanhope's car. Do you know about the North Hollywood shootout?

Yeah, the bank. Oh, that was right up the street from us. Right up the street from us. And then also that week, the following week was when George Michael got caught in the bathroom. Because listen to me, guys, I was. living in a trailer with Carol in a park in Beverly Hills and when we left that park like three days later he got caught jerking off in the park with a kid in that same park you lived at the park me and Carol lived that in the fucking trailer

that's fucking crazy you here for a North Hollywood shooter no I wasn't here yet I was still in what I think I was still in were you here in York no that was in the 90s early 2000s where were you oh two thousand where were you 2000s right and what was it like you were what you weren't in this neighborhood that where were you up in Ventura were you like in high school or something and it was fucked up that day remember it was fucking fucking crazy that's crazy that changed a game is that what did it would they have less strict rules on assault rifles in in California at the time you know I don't know what it was I know you couldn't get on the

101 and like I couldn't get on and I had to make like I backed off the ramp You know where I tried to get on? I tried to get on the 101 by the 101 Cafe. Yeah. Right there, Gower. It's the Gower exit or whatever it's called. And it wouldn't let me get on the ramp. Real?

So I went up the corner. I went around and I went to the 101 diner to eat breakfast. And when I got to the 101 diner, they're like North Hollywood shootout. I'm like, I'm going to North Hollywood to apply for a job. They're like, no, you're not. The 101 is closed. I was headed to North Hollywood to apply for a telemarketing, John.

That was that. I remember when that, I remember seeing the footage of that and then reading, I read an article about it. Just recently, there was a great article about it. Was that? Yeah. Just about a month ago, a great article came out about what they wore,

how that really changed the game. That changed what cops used. That changed. That was fucked up day, man. Were you guys here for, like, a huge earthquake? There haven't been a big, there hasn't been a big one since for, I don't think what?

94 I have not I've only been I've only experienced one earthquake that I can acknowledge maybe two but like one where I was like well but it wasn't an earth it was just a tremor it was just a tremor where you went whoa oh wow that's crazy nothing big nothing massive my wife there was one like probably now like three years ago I'm guessing there was a morning one it was like 6 a.m and my wife was outside walking the dogs Like outside with the girl the dogs She said it was pretty amazing to be outside during an earthquake Because the ground just kind of moves under your feet

And the trees all just the leaves shake like She was like it was really crazy And then you hear car alarms go off But yeah I haven't really experienced one Oh you will Keep fucking around I've gone on the road so much Joey That scares me

That you're on the road one day And all of a sudden there's an earthquake And you can't land Like we can't get back Yeah Like LA Export is closed Burbank airport is closed John Wayne Airport is closed

Like a big earthquake Like that petrifies the shit on me all the time Well Leanne's got guns and food And cash Yeah that's all we need Two big, one big dog A cat to kill rats Yeah

Neighbors with guns, cops Yep I got the whole thing That's that's why you leave You leave in peace The rings, the back rings The front rings We were gonna throw

We were, our, me and like these kids The George's friend like three of our kids friends that are all living the same neighborhood you've met him you met him over at the house a few times Eric and Darren you met a nice people you have nice people we were going to throw a

an emergency party right the theory is let's see how fast we can react to an emergency so like one weekend just out of nowhere like on a Sunday we just text each other attention emergency party there's been an earthquake get over to our

house with supplies now And you bring over like, what would you bring in an emergency and see how fast you could react? Because I think everyone thinks they're ready, but no one's fucking ready. No one's ready. I got a lot of ammunition. I got a lot of ammunition. That's the only thing. I just bought a ridiculous amount of bullets for the guns because I just thought the shotgun's way too heavy.

I don't fucking know what I'm doing with the goddamn shotgun. I'm just going to redoing drywall in my house. But I got a bunch of hollow points. You went nuts, didn't you? I went nuts, Joey. I didn't want that many weapons in my house. I didn't want that many of it because I'm crazy. Yeah.

I don't want that much shit in my house. I bury shit. Oh, I got a lot of shit buried. I have just in case. I have a taser. I have a taser, like the gun that shoots it. I have like five refill cartridges. I've got a stun gun.

I've got these flashlights that are bats. I've got so much shit in my house. And the one time a homeless guy tried to break into our house, I couldn't get any effect. I couldn't get to any of it. I just, I just, Priscilla was the only thing

that stopped it. Priscilla was the best. That dog is the best purchase I made because everyone's terrified of that fucking dog. Everybody's terrified. You see Priscilla, you're done. Yeah.

That's a good, that's a good, but there's motherfuckers that'll poison your dog. Like, my day, I'd take some fucking bread with some fucking paint in it

and your dog is sleeping for an hour. You know what I'm saying? I don't get to fuck. I was crazy like that. Crazy like that shit. But I would never hurt a dog or an hour. I don't know, nothing like that, but there's people who will.

I have something everywhere. I'm always prepared. There's always a knife. There's something. I tell my wife where they are, so she don't put a hand back there or touch them. I don't let mercy go back there. Were you doing that before you had kids? I've always been from my stepfather.

I've always learned to be prepared. I got something heading at the store. I always have something somewhere. Oh, shit. Just in case. That time I had to be from La Jolla. I went down there earlier. They said they want to come get me and I got all the pool balls.

And I'm strategic the pool ball all over the fucking place plus two in my pocket. You ever get hit in the head with a pool ball? No. It's not a good feeling. It's not a good feeling. It's like getting hit with a baseball without the stitching. You know what I'm saying? I felt that.

So, yeah, I have shit stacked stacked everywhere. So if something happens, there's always something I could go to. If I meet you at Starbucks, there's been a knife there since 6 a.m. I put a knife there at 6 o'clock, and I know exactly where I'm going to sit. I know the reaction time. I know the whole fucking deal. You have to do that when you're a fucking creepy person like me. You know what I'm saying?

You have to be on top of that shit. I learned that from my stepfather. I learned all that shit from him. You have to assume they're going to search you. Yeah. So if they search you, you don't have nothing on you, but you still got the piece hidden in the flower plant. Then I got to fucking know.

I used to hide shit all over Marie E.T. too. Yeah. That's a place you could definitely keep pieces everywhere. There's so many potted plants. Oh, there's so many potted plants and everything. Who's going to attack you at Marine DC? You're out in the open, man. As soon as you say that, I go, you are out in the open. I'm on the open. Whenever you're out of the open, you have to have something. I have a hanger in the car. I'm always I remember you telling me of that. Never beat a man with a coat hanger at night.

They don't see it. They don't see a fucking thing. They don't see a fucking thing. This is what I'm saying. When I was younger, there was this guy There was two guys I was thinking of rob me. I'll never forget. There was a guy that I had even the cops watching him to help me rob this guy. Like I went to a cop by the amount. Like I got, listen, we're going to rob this guy and I'll cut chain on him. Give me all the info on him.

He's like, gladly. And I'll never forget that cop calling me one day. Not calling me, coming and get me at three in the morning going, you're lucky he didn't jump that dude, bro. He just some guy went to jump him. He took the gun off the guy, shot both guys. That guy is no joke. I was like, ooh.

And then I went to rob this bookie one time. And he was another crazy motherfucker that I thought that, thank God, because a year later, he shot two people or something. He did something crazy. So all these people that I thought were older and that they were a little weak, don't fuck with those guys. They got it down. They've been through it.

Yeah. They know the fucking deal. When we got the guns, I told the girls, I was like, obviously, you guys only ever touched my guns. And Georgia, of course, you know, Georgia, it's like, no, dad, never. And Ila is like, worst case scenario, then I'll grab one. I was like, wait, wait, real quick. Okay.

Keeps just going with me. I was like, she was like, worst case scenario, then I'll grab one. I was like, that's not, wait, what's worst case scenario if you're saying? She was like, if I come home and people are tied up and, like, you guys are all tied up and I'm free, then obviously you want me to break into the house and go around and grab the guns. So I'm like, no, that's not the last thing I want you to fight. What fucking movie have you been watching? Really?

I mean, I guess. No, because my theory is they're just going to take the gun out of her hand and she use it and shoot her and then shoot us. Yeah, she has a young. She's fucking 11. Yeah. God. I'm just, because when I moved out here, I have like a kit with some clothes and like a water bottle and some batteries, but I don't have anything to protect myself. I never thought about it.

You should go get a gun. No. Why not? It's good to have an apocalypse. I guess, but I also don't think I really want to live through the apocalypse. to be honest. Oh, come on. I don't think I'd do well. But you already set up to succeed.

No, I'm not. I'm the slowest one. No, you've got all that fat. You can just live off that. You don't have to go get food. No, that'll be good for the, if I survive. But if there's anything leaving this building, I'm going to go downhill. Do you have any plans for natural disaster? For like an earthquake, just kind of leave. You're just getting on the road?

I wanted to get, I wanted to get like a dirt bite. So that I can get my family out. Yeah. Right in the middle of the interstate. What if the roads are all messed up? I'll jump it on my dirt bike. I got a shotgun in the back sleeve. I can see where your daughter comes up with this movie.

You have like a whole The Rock movie going on. That's so fucking funny. Oh, look at this fly right here. Ready? Let's see if you get it. I got it. Oh my God. You did get it with your phone.

Holy shit, now it's on my fucking phone. Joey just does it with his hands like he's like Mr. Miyagi or something. I've never Maybe these, maybe it's because these flies are all flying into these bongs and they're high as shit and they're just like,

my reaction time's off. I don't know what Joey's smoking. That's probably used with dragging him in here. He always says my neck smells like hummus, but I don't... Your neck smells like hummus? Yeah, I don't eat hummus before I come here because he will say it. Where's the thing that you're touching

to switch the cameras. It's my keyboard. Oh, oh my God, I'm such a fucking idiot. I've been watching you do that with the keyboard, and I'm like, what are you typing? Some people think I'm having, like, a tremor or something. They think I'm having, like, a seizure. So, wait, are you high right now? A little, yeah, I'm like a five.

Yeah? Don't tell that to Joey. No, yeah, well, he's going through all those squirts. So, I mean, you fly a lot. Yeah. Do you ever get nervous about going through another? I'm finding something or yeah I won't fly with anything nothing I'm afraid to I went to the I went on a cruise and I brought this pen with me right and I was terrified and they're like we have to go through your bag you have some stuff in here that you're not allowed to bring on the cruise ship and I was like I was with the girls I was like oh my God they're gonna find weed but I had little bottles of vodka I didn't know it was you know it was just a plane bag and so I was terrified bringing this through and then I only used it once so I was like what's the point of me bringing it through I'm trying to not smoke weed because

I'm legit I'm training for this triathlon and I can feel it in my lungs immediately. But you don't like? Because I know don't the Diaz brothers do triathlons? Yeah, but they do legit triathlons. I'm doing a sprint triathlon.

They do like legit like two and a half mile swim, fucking 20 mile run. Okay, so that's what I thought earlier when I was saying yeah, I thought the triathlon was harder than a marathon. No, no, no. You know the Iron Man is harder than the marathon. They have

They have Iron Man sprints. They have Iron Man series, Iron Man, and then they just have regular sprint triathlons. I'm just doing a sprint triathlon. Which is still really fucking hard, but it's not, it's very doable, I think. Especially if I train. I'm only doing it so that I'll train.

I'm only training so I'll lose weight, because I feel fat as fuck right now. So when do you start with the nutritionist? I started last week, and I was doing great, and then I went on the road this weekend, and the fucking wheels came off. I didn't train, I didn't run, I didn't do anything. I ate like shit.

I ate pizza in the middle of the night at Chicago. I ate fucking coney dogs in Detroit. And then she's coming over to my house tomorrow. She texts with me. Everything I eat, I register in my phone. As she can see. And then she'll text me and kind of keep up with me. She is the nutritionist for the New York Nets and for the Yankees.

So she's like a legit nutrition list. And then my coach just kind of sends me like training things. And my goal in training is to do two of the events every day. So like I get on my spin bike and I just pedal. Not really hard. You're not like killing myself, but it still does kill you. Pedal for like 45 minutes, you know, like 30 minutes and then get on the treadmill and run for 30 minutes or 25 minutes. Yeah, but that's not.

That's what Rogan told you. I'm telling you. Why are you doing that? That's not training on the elliptical. No, no, no, no, no. You got to run on the streets or run on a fucking track. My treadmill, my treadmill is the air assault runner. I don't give a fuck if it's the air assault fucking...

It's harder. Harder than running on the road. It's a your, the treadmill is not powered. You power it by your own feet. So it is a fucking bee. It's the most uncomfortable treadmill you've ever been on your life. If you run on that, then you go on the run on the road, the road feels so much easier. So that's why I do that.

And then I'll do that every other day. I'll do the two and then I'll do like a hike from my house up to Fryman, up to the top of Fryman and then hike back. And where you're riding this bike at? Because that's the cause of danger right there. That's where you got to get the helmet and that's where it gets really dangerous on a fucking bike. Yeah, so you can't, you got to ride the bike up prime of them back.

You got to drive the car with the bike in the fucking car. In order to find 12 miles to ride a bike, you got to go into the middle of fucking nowhere. You got to go into the Chandler bike path. I think it's like 16 miles. Yeah, no, because Chandler bikes back. That's good. That's good. Isn't it a, it's not a street?

No, you got to cross fucking every road. You got to cross Laurel Canyon. No, no, no, no. That's death. There's too many stupid fucking people. Yeah. Dude, you have to assume when you're on a bicycle that the guy is just too, and I see it. I see it all the fucking time.

I see it all the fucking time. There's two people I know that personally got hit by fucking bicycles, cars after I told him, are you fucking crazy? A girl that hangs out with my wife, I saw put a helmet on one night after yoga. I go, where are you going? She's like, I ride my bike home. I'm eco-friendly. Listen, don't do that. A guy opened the door.

She broke all her teeth. Surgery on the lip the home on you can't mind your bike on the streets you can't ride your bike in the streets I can't ride your bike in the street I can't ride your bike in the street It's terrifying that's why they a lot of people go up to Malibu but even still those cars are flying down the PCA No no no no no no that's that's the nightmare you have to go to North Hollywood Park Go to NoHo Park in that track you could ride your bike around yeah, so you take your mountain bike and you just ride around there for fucking two hours That's it and you run around there for fucking two hours. That's it and you run around there

for two hours. That's a track. I'm taking my bike to Alabama out where Leanne is, because there's just a fucking long stretches of road there. I'm going to ride there. I still have to buy it. I'm just riding out. Right now I'm running on my spin bike. Yeah, you've got to get rid of the spin bike, brother. I don't want to get one of those

pentones. You're swimming in your pool? No, no, swimming at the Olympic pools. Where at? I did one up in Pacific Palisades. That's where I... The best pool right here? You don't have to go to Pacific Palisade. Where a bike? That's the best pool They got a program.

Where's the Burbank pool? Verdugo pool. And they got a swimming program there, a master's swimming program. You could be there at 7 in the morning, 9, 11, 1, 3, 6, 9. Verdugo Park? That's a baby right there in Burbank Boulevard. Who the fuck are you kidding? That's the best pool in the area.

And they got a pool fucking. That's not far at all. No. What do you think you're dealing with here? Joy Bananas? Pacific Palisades. No, no. I had to do that because we did my co.

My coach was up there. Tell him to go fuck himself. Don't them if you have Redugo Park. Pacific Palisades to swim. Let me go fuck himself. That's an hour and an hour to swim an hour back. Yeah. Meet me over here.

I'm going to pay you. Don't worry. I'll pay you for your mothers. Go over there. Right over there. There's a pool. Nice pool. Nice white people.

Very, I mean, clean. Hot dogs. Fucking tremendous. They got a kitty pool. It's colder than fuck. They're open at 11. But you can go over there. Lee went twice, didn't he?

No, I went to my 24-hour fitness pool. How's your 24-hour fitness pool? It's okay. It gets kind of busy, but it's not bad. I don't think it's as long as you need it to be. You just need it to be 25 meters.

I don't know what that is. It's basically there and back would be like a... 30 yards or something. Yeah, yeah. You know, before I went to prison, I got into all that shit you're into. For real? Before I got locked up, the UPS man was built. And when I opened up my fucking mouth, I was lifting weights

and I was riding a mountain bike, right? I would ride it the Hertz, and I would hit the bag and lift weights. When I knew I was getting locked up, the question was when I wanted to be in tip-top shape. You had to see this fucking UPS, man. First of all, this guy was fucking every chick on the route. He had six kids, and he was fucking married women, single women. Really? Women were fucked up kids.

He didn't give a fuck. Yeah. I would watch him. I was going to college. I'd be out there washing cars, and every place he walked into, he made out with the chick. It was fucking hysterical. Good looking Italian dude from like Cleveland or something. So I asked him when that, I said, how do you get in shape?

You got fucking six kids. He had six fucking kids. I go, how do you fucking get in shape? And he goes, I swim. I go, I'm going to come swimming with you one of these days. You know when you open your mouth? You're like, I'm going to come with you one of these days. He's like, okay, I'll meet you there tomorrow.

I go, what time you're going to meet you? Six. He goes, yeah, yeah. Be there about 5.45 a.m. And I heard a.m. I go, what are you talking about? He goes, yeah, I swim in a quarter to six. There's two classes.

Six to the seven, but the beginning classes at six. And I'm like, all right, I'll be there. Yeah. And when he walked away, I was like, what did I do? What did I just do? And I can't get away from this guy. I see him every fucking day. It's not like I'm never going to see.

You know, like those karate schools you walk in? Yeah, I'll be back next week. You sign up. Then you never go back in there. I'll be back next week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll bring the money next week. And you never come back.

That's how I couldn't do that to him. So the next day I woke up at 5.30. I drank some fucking tang. Those are the old tang days. Oh, fucking tang delicious. Oh, a little tang in the morning in the glass. And I rode my bicycle down and the lady was a lady built like Kichi. She was Hawaiian.

Beautiful. And she was Miss Iron Woman, 1984 and 85. Oh, wow. She was Hawaiian and Woman. white fucking beautiful three kids she had her body was fucking spotless like he's I mean spotless spotless three kids and she's like I got to evaluate you jump in the pool and here I am 25 muscles you know yeah fuck it let me show this bitch what I got shit I never forgot I jumped in the pool and I must have

burnt I must have gone for four minutes and I pop my head head up dog and I had moved maybe two steps and I had gone sideways and she goes okay we got another beginner and then my heart just sunk oh like I was like oh god I thought it was a good swimmer I learned at the Y with black people when I was a kid

when I came back from Cube I got the fucking patch yeah that you could swim and shit and for fucking one week Bert for one week I would have to go there at a quarter of six for one week and just hold on to the edge and kick and she taught me

how to kick correctly because there's a way to kick. People don't kick right. I see it all the time. You have to kick, but there's got to be a little bend in your knee. Slight bend, if not you'll fuck up your knee when you swim. There has to be a slight bend, and you have to swim a certain way. She wouldn't let you use your arms until you learn how to use your feet. Because I'm not going to let you use your arms.

So come back. So for two weeks, I use my feet. Then for a week, she just made me fucking put the paddle between your legs and just pull. Pull Yeah Pull Put the paddle between your Oh yeah

I remember that ball Between your legs And you got to pull You leave You get home You're like this Lee Your back is like this You're like Johnny back

People like what happened to you Nothing I mean swimming all day You're fucking yoked Yeah You get a V from doing this shit From pulling Because that's all it is It's just pulling

She taught you how to correct your hand Have your hands Your hands come in like this Swimming is so Detail oriented Dude it is It is so like And you think you know

what you're doing. That's the problem with swimming. You're like, oh, I've seen people do it. When you jump in a pool and the swimming coach teaches you how to swim, you leave there like, that was fucked up. That's why I had to go to the Palisades because he wanted to watch me swim. He was like, I need to see if you can swim. Yeah. And I was like, I can swim. He was like, no, I need to see that you can. Like you know, like there's two different types of people that know how to swim and people who can swim. And luckily, I mean, not luckily, but just luckily I was always on the swim team all the way up until high school. So I'm like a, I can, I can, I can swim, I can swim a

quarter mile very easy, not, and get through it. It's not going to kill me. It's going to win me. Like when I did it the other day, I was definitely breathing hard, but, but I can do it because I, I just know the proper technique, and I know to go slow, and I know to, when you, I know that when you're taking your breath, you need to rest up on your arm and make sure that that's keeping you buoyant. And all the little techniques, they knew how to flutter kick. And, Especially freestyle, I'm fine with it. My stroke was the breaststroke, which today if I do, I get, I'm out of it. I can't do.

I couldn't do. I probably couldn't do a 16th of a mile with a breaststroke. I could do this. Yeah, the breaststroke. I could do that all day long. I can't do this anymore. That I can't do. I can do that one super easy.

No, I can't do that. I can never, butterfly. I can never do butterfly. I was starting to butterfly before I got locked up. I even did a triathlon. I'd swam and rode a bike. Really? Yeah.

I did the two, the buy. Not the try, the buy. I'm not going to lie. I rode the bike and I swam or whatever the fuck it was. Yeah. Right before I got locked up. She was great. The name was Jane.

I really like Jane. I always like Jane. But she was a tough bitch, bro. She didn't give a fuck. And you know what? By the time I got locked up, I was already in lane number three. There was four lanes. You had to move up the lanes.

Really? And she'd be like, motherfucker, you'll be in that lane for 10 years. she moved me up to lane number three because you have to do like, it's like jiu-jitsu. You have to do competitions. Yeah. She wants you to get involved.

So first I did a couple slim things out of Boulder Reservoir and that was scary as shit. Oh, I hate open water? Yeah, I don't like none of that shit. That scares the shit. Mine's in Lake Kosteic. Yeah.

That's up here. Yeah, Lake Kosteik's fine, and then I'm doing the Malibu like a month later. That's scary because that's open water half a mile. Which means what? Open water, you go swim out

to the ocean in Malibu. Big waves, done. Who gives a fuck? You're swimming in big waves. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. I swim in pools, controlled substances. I don't want to get bit by a shark or a shark.

I don't want to be bit by a shark. That's all I'm thinking about the shark attack. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Keep it light there. That's all I'm thinking about the shark attack. You're 44. You just want to do it for fun. You know what I was, I want to do more,

I wouldn't mind lake triathlons. But then I think the real challenges, can you do that open water ocean? because that's open water swimming so different than like pool swimming. No shit. No shit, Sherlock. This is fucking, yeah. No shit. Open fucking water swimming is different.

A pool is nothing. Yeah. A pool is nothing. A pool is not. Hold on to the side. Oh, and the warm of the water. You're like fucking John Claude. When the water's warm, you're doing all this shit.

Oh, yeah. You got to see yourself. You're doing fucking somersaults underwater. Try that motherfucking shit when you're, off the beach bro I almost drown when I was fucking five in Coney Island I got caught one of those fucking things it took me one of those riftides one of those fucking spinners undertow under toe yeah I got caught one of those there I got caught one in Miami I don't know how to fuck I'm here I'm scared of all that shit

I got utmost respect for the ocean up most see I grew up surfing so I never you had respect for the ocean but you understood that your your your connection with the ocean was You were simply something in it. You didn't have control over it. I think people who get caught up drowning. And there's like pro servers that die drowning. So I'm not saying that I'm some amazing guy in the ocean.

But a lot of what happens with people that get caught up in the ocean is people that maybe don't respect it enough. And so like, I remember we got caught out in a riptide surfing. And you were like, all right, very quickly you knew I don't swim against that. I'm just swimming with it and to the side and getting the fuck out of it. And then I'm going to rest. I'm not going to be afraid of how far out I am and I'm going to paddle back and I'm going to paddle back and I'm going to rest

I'm going to paddle back and I'm going to rest but you see some people like to get out in the ocean and they're just like they're like in jeans shorts and they're like yeah fuck this and all of a sudden they get caught out in a riptide and they start panicking and that when you panic in the ocean

you're done you're fucking done you're done I've been a lot more scared of the ocean than I ever was recently like these last probably five years of my life maybe a little less But these last five years, I've been scared of the ocean more than I've ever been. Like scuba diving has freaked me out and never freaked me out before, but scuba diving was freaking me out.

Just the ocean in general, I just start, I maybe I've gotten to the age where I'm like, I don't know if I need this extra thing in my life that might kill me, you know? But yeah, we went, I went surfing in Fiji, and I just part of me was like, I get thrown off a board and I'm just like, winded. I'm not the kid I was. I'm like winded and I'm fucking like holding on to the board and I'm trying to get out of the white water and I'm just paddling and I'm like oh fuck this every time I went surfing I went surfing in Puerto Rico and it's probably the first time I've been surfing in big waves since I was a child I was I was never afraid of big waves I was never afraid of wiping out I was never afraid anything and as I'm paddling out all my instincts that happened when I was a kid of like all right these waves are pretty big I need to get past them the instincts of getting past the big waves so you don't get mauled, all were very, I was very cool with. And I got out pretty quickly.

But then once I got out past them and I'm sitting on my board and I'm watching waves come in and judging where I need to be in the break to not get fucked up, I started realizing, oh, I'm not, I don't have the ability to catch one of these waves. I don't have ability to surf one of these waves. And I definitely don't have the ability to survive wiping out on one of these waves. when I sat out there Joey for 45 fucking minutes without catching a wave just sitting there panicking going fuck and some guy came by on a jet ski and I was like I'm scared and I need to get out of here and he was like I figured that's what was going on you haven't been moving and I was

like okay he was a Puerto Rican guy said it like broken English and he just I grabbed on to he had a little surf thing on the back I got to the front of my board grabbed on a little surf thing and he waited and he towed me through the surf brought me in and I just got off and I was like, I'm done. I'm like, you didn't even catch a wave. I was like, I'm done. I would have gotten fucking killed. But yeah, I don't, I don't fuck around with it.

One of the most beautiful beaches I've ever been to with intense waves is Bondi Beach in Australia. I mean, in that place, those waves are fucking legit. And they're not even that big. But you just, there's so much power in them. You know, growing up in Florida, we always had bullshit waves. It was like, you never could get really hurt. Then you come out to the Pacific Ocean.

And, and you're just like, oh, you're just like, oh, you. You can fucking die out here. Yeah, I don't fuck around. That's the comparison, really. You see it that way? The Pacific to the Atlantic, 100% looked at it that way. Atlantic was different. The Atlantic Ocean, in my opinion, was tricky in that there was rip tides, there was undertoe.

We didn't get, you get that in the Pacific, but like the Pacific is just, there's so much stronger. Like the wave just is so much heavier. And then I got into a thread where I was watching at this place called Tiapu. Whereas like the bit world's biggest wave Just the thickest wave I don't know how these kids fucking do it I really honestly look at them and I go You must the thing about youth

You just don't know what you don't know what can kill you I guess I don't fucking know Yeah Malibu come do a triathlon with me Not at this age My knees is shot You know my left knee On my right knee I got that surgery done again I mean I try to stay

But there's just some shit to say is that you just... Yeah. For me, it would be... I'd love to drop another 30. You look great, man. Yeah, I'm down to like 270-something. That's great. I got to go down to 230.

And then I have the knee surgery and maybe throw a run it into the repertoire. I bump back up to 235, 237 right after the marathon. That's where I'm floating at right now. And I'm just... It's all in my gut, my belt. And a lot of it's just booze. When you know what I'm not working out, I'm just on the road. boozing, not working out the next day,

not burning any calories, eating. Trying to eat healthy, but eating like shit. And I got to lose. I got to get down below 220. I got to lose like 10, 15 pounds. How's your dad doing? You know, he just started eating marijuana regularly. Why? He came out.

He came out like a few weeks ago for something, for my daughter's graduation. And we went to cryogenic therapy. We went to that cryogenic therapy place over on on Ventura. U.S. crowd.

They're fucking great. They're great people. And I told him, I said to my dad, I was like, my back's hurt, and I'm going to stop by cryogenic therapy. It was Georgia's birthday. Georgia was with us. And Georgia goes, you know, my dad, I've always wanted to try that. I saw a video of you doing it.

I want to try it. So we go in, I say, hey, can I, can my daughter do it? And they're like, how old is she? I said 14. They're like, yeah. And they're like, you're her guardian. And I was like, yeah. So George and I jumped in to do it.

My dad has had harp procedures. And so they needed a doctor for him to get in the, tank but they said you know we can do isolated in like freezing we can just bring you in the room tremendous your knee my wrist i did my knee last week they did his knee and his hip and he felt fucking amazing tremendous tremendous you was crowd therapy chris they're great great fucking people and he got out and he was like now if i just had something that would help me sleep and they said the marijuana place right down the right on the corner is not that bad and my dad was like uh really he goes would would that would that help and i was like yeah definitely helps and it's

George's birthday. And you know my dad, he'll try marijuana, but he's never been like, he goes, buy me some marijuana so I can take it home with me. So we bought him $180 worth of edibles. Got him these pretzels that are three milligrams, got him these mints that are 2.5. He eats a couple pretzels. Those mints are delicious. Yeah.

Those mints are great. Yeah. The CBD mints, the breeze mints, they're fucking great. And now he's, every night he'll eat a pretzel and have a glass of wine. And he sleeps like a log. Like a log. And then on Sunday, this last Sunday, my mom was home. And she goes, your dad ate a pretzel when he woke up.

I said, really? She's like, yeah, you was having anxiety. And he thought a pretzel might fix it. And I go, did it fix it? And she goes, yeah. But he keeps calling me dude. Because you know, my dad's not a big weed guy. So all of a sudden he starts to get nice.

He's like, hey, dude, let's listen to some reggae, dude. So yeah, he's all over it. He loves it. When I first went on the Weight Watchers, I got off the animals. Yeah. really big like I was like and I was finding myself sleeping three nights and then having problems three nights frustration sleep problem yeah frustrating like drinking NyQuil and fucking you know because I mix it up a little bit I don't let my body get used to one thing I don't want it to

get used to like what's the shit in turkey trigonosis no triptophan tributifone that works two night drunk and Joe. Yeah. Oh, you mean melatonin? Melatonin. That's two nights. Gaba, gaba, that's two nights. I have had that. Yeah. Then the other tea, that's two nights. The reef are two nights. You follow me? So, and then one night, I'll take a

fucking anxiety pill. Yeah. Which will put me out. I'll drink a half a beer. But for, I wasn't, I wasn't, I'm always eating an animal. Yeah. All that gaba gaba, gobb, and all that shit, that shit don't work. It don't work like an animal does. You sleep like a

fucking baby. Really? When I eat edibles? I've never eaten edibles to sleep. Oh my God. When you eat those mince work? Eat 200 milligrams of those mints. And you will sleep like a fucking baby.

I don't think I would. I think I'd be up panicking. You'll be sitting on the couch here and go to sleep. My baby. My baby. My baby. Go to sleep. My baby.

Go to sleep. please. Lolae, Loli, he, Loli, lolly he, Lohlehi. I'm telling you, I was watching the champ last night. When I got home,

that he just signed over the horse. Just signed over the horse. He just signed over the horse at the betting parlor. Yeah. And he borrowed the 2000 from Faye Dunaway. And the bookie just came to the track to take the kid's horse,

Ricky Schroder's horse. and he beats the fuck out of the bookmaker. He beats the fuck out of him. Yeah. And next thing you know, I'm like, I got to watch the rest of it because he's in jail. Ricky Schroeder,

you ever see that movie? Jesus Christ, where the fucking you people have been? I know, fucko hasn't seen it. He's too busy watching Orange is the new purple with fucking that other scotchard. Let me tell you something. When Richie Schroeder comes into that jail cell, if you're a man.

Oh. If you're a man, any type of man, you will cry. Even if you were transgender and you switch governments, you're a man, you will cry. That's how much it affects your manhood. When he punches the wall, he tells that little kid he can't watch him no more to go live with that lady. And he forces him, he throws his own son out of that cell

and tells him to get the fuck out of here. I don't want you no more, you little fuck. It is, you have no. idea. This is when movie making was fucking real. Not this shit. Oh, that was a great movie. That movie sucked das, dude. But next

time I was so high on that edible, I had to turn it off. I was like, I can't believe I'm turning off the champ to go to sleep because I am so fucking tired from this edible. Yeah. And I used to play with the edible. That's the problem you have. When the edible tells you to sleep,

you have to go to sleep. Because if you don't go to sleep when the edible tells you to go to sleep then he fucks with you then he keeps you up which then the edible turns on you yeah when the edible turns on you and people at home going what the fuck are you talking about i've been there i'm telling you that when that edible tells you it's no nappy no no new time when you catch yourself falling asleep the first time turn the tv oh because if you stay up against that edible then it turns on you then it wakes you up then it's like a shot of fucking espresso you might as well drink coffee because you ain't going to bed now guess what else

It wastes you up and it starts making you think. It starts making your mind think. It starts making that joke. What happened when you were in the sixth grade, when you kissed Lucy at the prom? All that dumb shit comes into your mind. Now it's five in the fucking morning. And you've got to be up for a plane at eight.

That's the worst. So when that edible tells me it's time to go to sleep, I go to sleep. Yeah. And that's your lesson for the day. You know what I'm saying? Perfect. When that edible tells you it's nappy no new time,

It's nappy noon at the time. What are you at this weekend? I'll eat one of those minutes tonight then. I'm in Pittsburgh this weekend. Yeah, this is the same stuff. Breeze, but this is the spray. A thousand milligrams, 20 milligrams of spray. Yeah.

Pittsburgh this weekend. And then I think I'm, I think it's, that's it. I think it's that. So you're just doing one theater this weekend. Doing one theater, the Bynum. Friday night. Friday night. And you're back Saturday.

Yep. And then the 18th and 19th in Cleveland, Houston, August 2nd, 3rd, and 4th. That's it. That's all they need. to know. If not, they forget anyway. Yeah. Well, you're wasting the time. Well, they want to know where you're going to be tomorrow.

Two fucking money. I'm going to go make a blue apron right now. Are you? What flavor? I don't know. We got four, we got backed up, so we're going to make two. What flavors you got the house? You don't know? I don't know. We've, we're a big Blue Apron family. Well, that's why tonight we're going to talk about Blue Apron. You understand? Because they got the two-person meal plan and you have the family

meal plan. We got the family meal plan. And we got the wine meal plan. This is what I'm fucking talking about people. You understand me? Blue Apron. Skip the meal plan. and get straight to cooking with Blue Apron. Enjoy unforgettable meals inspired by the vibrant cooking of the Mediterranean, like Seared salmon and spicy orange salsa, centered around fruits, veggies, and lean meats, and plenty of olive oil.

You understand me? These recipes are deliciously nutritious, with incredible ingredients and chef-designed recipes. Blue Apron lets you see the power of what food can do. Blue Apron will deliver fresh proportioned ingredients, and step-by-step recipes right to your motherfucking door that can be cooked in under 45 minutes. The menu changes every four every week based on what's in season

and is designed by Blue Apron's in-house, gillenary team. Blue Apron offers 12 new recipes each week, and the customers can pick two, three, or four recipes, like Burke did, based on what fits their schedule. Let me explain something to you. Let me check out with this week's menu. You got creamy caramelized onion burgers with apple and pickled pepper salad.

You've got Christy Teigen's garlic and soy glaze shrimp with charred broccoli and hot green pepper sauce. Are you kidding me or what? You got spicy pan of pasta with zucchini and capes and you got roasted chicken drumsticks over cauliflower with orzo feta cheese and olives. Are you kidding me or what? That's a meal.

You understand me? On top of that, you learn to cook like a family, a family who cooks together. stays together. If you got a girlfriend, you cook with your girlfriend, a couple that cooks together, stays together. So you checked out this week's menu. What I'm going to do is I'm going to give you your first three meals for free at blue apron.com slash Joey. That's blue apron.com slash joey. Get your first three meals for free. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Number two, like I told you in the beginning, everybody wants to fucking go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Bert, contact fucking Aubrey on it. Tom, you want some fucking strength and protein.

I might get all this stuff get the fucking Kyle Kinsbury that's a guy yeah Kyle Kingsbury was here last week did you talk to him no no I started watching I listened to the podcast with Joe was a great podcast a great kid and then I think I followed him on Instagram I followed him on Twitter yeah he's a great guy he's a great guy and he's got great supplements down there whatever you need call him up especially if you're triathlon that shroom tech the shroom tech fucking sport I will I'll hit them up I'm gonna send them a tweet go to honor dot com right now press in church Bam!

And get 10% off your next first motherfucker on. And that's it and that's that. I want to thank my brother, Bert Kreisher, for stopping. I want to thank the Christkiller. I want to thank the model of the church Kishi coming in. And I love you, motherfuckers. I'll see you, motherfuckers. Thursday morning, Wednesday night, ready to rock.

All right? Stay black. I love you. And don't forget about us. Kick that fucking mule. I've seen that roared.