The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #598 - Bret Ernst

Episode Date: July 9, 2018

Bret Ernst, comedian and actor seen in Youtube Red's "Cobra Kai", joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 07/08/2018.

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You understand me? That's how we do it. Lee, kick this motherfucking meal. Oh shit. Monday, July 9th. Kick this mulee. It ain't. Kick this mulee. Kick them. See smoke coming out of the fucking speakers.

It's Sunday. I don't give a fuck. It's Monday when they start watching this shit. Okay. Here we go. I'm sure it's what's happening now. The Christ Killer. My man, Brent Ernst, and your uncle Joe.

Here you go. Are you fucking kidding me? All right, Pete, Chris Cornell, you bad motherfucker. Here we go. What? Are you fucking? kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? You're like, Joey, where the fuck you've been?

We took the week off. It's the 4th of July we're hanging out with Bubbles Gwinnett signing the Declaration of Independence. We said, fuck it. I did Rogan Wins. That's all you need. I want to welcome my brother Brennors. I want to welcome fucking Lee Syatt. Who's Bubbles Gwinnett? Bubbles Gwinnett signed the Declaration of Independence

and I grew up with his fucking great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, that's a real name. Yeah, Boblesonette. I grew up with Mike Gwinnett. Mike would always tell me is a legit. I don't fucking know. Do I give a fuck? Who gives a fuck? I don't know.

He's a representative. Yeah. What do I give a fuck? I don't know. Yeah. He was at the Continental Congress. Yeah. Do you know your fucking history.

I'm sorry. Bubbles Gwinnett. He's on that fucking thing. I hope you had a happy fort. I hope your families are back. Guess what? You're back. And there's the second half of the year.

And this is what it fucking matters. We went to the first half of the year. We're ready for the all-star break. After the all-star break, the year gets real, bitch. You're a month away from kids going back to school, pencil sharpeners. Then you got Halloween. and you got a fucking big turkey that's been kicked on the fence for the last fucking year.

Because I don't know about you. I like turkey that gets kicked in the fucking head. And then you got the holidays, and then you got Hanukkah, and then you got New Year's, and then you have another year. A year of fucking and you get older. So this is it, bitches. We're in the final stretch right now. The last six months of the fucking year.

Fucking organs hitting up. So write your goals. It was one fucking 17 on fucking Friday. I got sick Friday. Because at 5 o'clock, I said, you know what? Let me go outside in Shadowbox a little bit. Oh, my God. Can I tell you about that?

I was going out to dinner with my life. At 118, what? Sure, I was sitting there bored. They weren't at the house. I was sitting there for an hour and a half. I couldn't take a walk. I was too. I'd go to go to the yard.

Let me get something. Let me get high. Yeah. Let me just go out there and get a little bit of vitamin D. I suck that fucking hot air and it's like blowing a fucking hot dick. Let me tell you some. I went back inside. I sat in the couch like an hour dizzy.

Every time I got up, I swear to how I had to go in the shower and put it down to my ice cubes. and just let it hit me in the next. Your fucking shadow went in before you did. Oh, my God, it was hotter than fuck out there. Oh, I finally saw the video you were telling me about that poor girl who got caught on the mountain. What is it with fat people? They want to go to Runyon Canyon, you know.

The hottest day of the year. Let me tell you where running. I can't stand that place. I can't stand that fucking place. Fucking people doing Tai Chi in the park. It is. It is the folly. Let me tell you something.

I used, when I got here, you know, we all got here with different women. I was just thinking about your girlfriend today, the one that was in the longest yard. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. She's still around, right? Yeah, yeah. She's still around. She's still killing. She's still. You talked to from time to time? Yeah, well, the family, you know, I've known her my whole life, so our parents still talk and everything, yeah.

Okay, wow. Yeah. Like, we all moved here with a chick, like, and we're good people. With a chick, like, and we kind of like them, or we kind of think they're retarded. I moved out here for a chick. You moved out here for her? I was in New York, and then I moved out for her, yeah. Oh, did you?

Yeah, yeah. Okay, I didn't know that. She was very nice. Great kid. She was very nice. She was booking a comedy room for a while or something. Yeah, Sabovo years ago. But it's funny that she...

You're talking about your girl, the one you came out with. When I came out with a late night, it's the third day here. She's like, you're not going to believe it. My friend told me that the place to go is right around the corner because we lived on Hollywood Boulevard a block away from the Brahe. So you have to walk up that block to go to Runyon Canyon. So Runyon Canyon is when you first get here. People are like, you have to go to Running Canyon.

It's great. And you go up then when you first walk up there, When I first got here, there was no Tai Chi. It was a bunch of jerk-offs doing yoga. And then there was a lunch table. There was two lunch tables. And every day at 9.30, those tables, there were just two rows of chicks of hot 20 to 27-year-old chicks. Yeah, there's a lot of broccoli up there.

With fake tics and hats and makeup on, and they'd bring their sides. That's when you lose me. sides of the sheets that they give you for an audition. Right in the script. So they would go to this park. Why are you writing a script in a park? They would go up there and these girls would sit there in a circle. And I remember that.

The girl that I went with one of these girls, like I was a fucking cokehead. I didn't want to go for a walk, but she was paying a rent. I want to eat a pussy. So you got to go for the walk. You know what I'm saying? That's what happens when you're fucking a brokster and you live with a chick. You want you to go for a walk and eat a pussy? That's a deal.

So I would go to running a canyon with that. remember she was stretching one day like the jerk off that she was and I was listening to the table of those girls talking not listening like they were just talking loud yeah and that's when titanic came out so leonada caper was out every night me too and bitches clipping everything oh he was with mike young with mike young spider man too dude you know well mike young was lighting their cigarettes and shit you know what I'm saying Mike young was rubbing their shoulders you did great you know what I'm saying like you did great so fucking uh They would sit there and talk about how they all went to Leo's house and the other table they were a little old

They were all sucking Jack Nicholson's dick They're talking about oh my god we were at jacks last night Oh, it's so interesting But I think I went up there three times and it just wasn't for me And it's not like you know like the the Chinese dudes doing the Tai Chi It's like these weird white people doing this shit like the one in San Francisco You don't get up early Yeah even one in New York

Watch a script. Yeah, you see him doing it. I'm talking about just like weird white. Yeah, want to be white kids. Let me tell you that I care about society types. Dude, I had a guy when I worked at the Cheesecake Factory come in. And this is just the type of dude.

Like, he was like a white, you know, the white Asian. Like the white people that take over cult, like they embrace cultures and nothing to do in them. Right. He's got a fucking kimono on. Yeah. Right? It was just a jerk off guy. And that's how I got written up at work.

But real quick. So he comes in, he greets me like, you know, with this. Like, I'll fucking, I'll smack this shit. He jerk off. So we're running the specials. I'm like, yeah, we have an Asian eye. He served in a soy ginger sauce. It comes with Asian vegetables, right?

Hand of God, he got offended that I said Asian vegetables. Like he was just a fucking, like, to make me look like a dick. He's like, I'm confused, like, what's an Asian vegetable? Like, I'm dead serious. So me, being a fucking smart ass, I made a joke. I said, oh, those are the. So, I got written up for this. I go, those are the vegetables that are better educated and a working harder and taking the other vegetables jobs, you know, just as a joke.

And he went. He went fucking, he was pissed. I offended powder, white guy. He had no pigment in a kimono. Dickhead. But he's the type of guy that would be doing Tai Chi at the fucking in the park. I got ridden up a couple of times. How long did you walk at the Cheesecake Factory is away?

First job I got when I came out of here. I was delivering pizzas. I was working at cheesecake, and I was bouncing at a club in Third Street Promenon. No shit. On Wednesday nights, yeah. And then I was getting up trying to do stand-up in the meantime. It's a hustle, man. What a fucking hustle.

It is such a hustle. I was a grown man delivering pizzas. Not even like a fucking college kid. Like, I was like 30 in a fucking 97 Ford Escort. You couldn't make fucking left so it would stall out. So I would, like, if I had to go here and then a right and then a right and then a right then overshoot it and make another right you know how shitty is it being in your late 20s and early 30s and being a fucking loser because i was the king of the fucking losers i delivered fucking pizzas

in the beginning of comedy i was just sad but i didn't care because we love we because we love what we were doing it was the excitement on it at least for me the obvious was being a criminal and you know just being where we came from. That was the obvious at that point. I'd already done my time. I'd already gotten out. I said, what can I do? I go, let me get into this comedy. And then I delivered Chinese food. I sold Coke. I mean, I did a thousand things to make ends meet. Like, for me, I committed crimes, but I wasn't a criminal. And then there's guys that are criminal. Like, I talk about it, but we make mistakes. Well, if people read my shit, like when I go to Canada, they got everything. But when they read my stuff, they're not like going.

You know, they're doing like, you did that. You know what I mean? Like, you told the story about the night you turned yourself in. I was fucking dying. Let me tell you something. You have fucked my head for the last six weeks since that night I saw you. Yeah, you watch my set. Because it was funny.

And I heard you say that thing before. But for some reason, that night it really took me by storm. He has a joke. He says that, you know, when he grew up, that there was always those kids that were always out. There's one kid that was outside, all the fucking time. At the age of 16, from 15, even a year before my mother died, to I left. I was always that guy. You were always outside.

And it was me, a girl named Gina, a guy named Mike, there was a dude named John. There had to be eight or nine of us that had no curfew. We had families because even my mother was alive, I didn't have a curfew. My curfew was, after midnight, I want you to call me every hour on the hour and let me know where you are and what time you're going to come home. Yeah. Or what time you're going to call me back? That was a pretty cool curfew. I'm like, how old were you?

From 14. Really? You were out there then. Yeah. From 14, 12, the 13, what time are you coming home? Yeah. I mean, that was the question. That was how my mother asked me.

sneak out. I would crawl out the window or pretend to be in a friend's house, which everybody did that. But we were outside. My friend that had no supervision, we'd always just say we had his house. This kid was always fucking outside. Now, why didn't he have supervision? The parents didn't care. The parents worked.

He just was out of control. He was out of control. Yeah. I had, there had to be, and it wasn't really out of control. No father. No father. That's a commonality. Well, that's a commonality, but it really, like what the girl, like, there was, there was a girl I hung with.

That was always out. Her mother left when she was 10. Just got up and left. And kept in touch with the kids. Just told them the truth. I don't want to be a mom. I don't want to be a mom. She moved to Vegas and dove car.

Jesus. So the dad worked nine to fucking nine. The dad ran a car dealership. And her and her brother were out. All the time. and I also had a friend who had more money than you and I or ever fucking see and his parents

I had two friends like that this is the other option to that coin too I had two friends I had one friend that his parents were doctors both his mom and his dad he would just go home to a box filled with money right he would go upstairs

take money and take you out to dinner himself to dinner so he bought his friends or did you like the kid I really liked him We're friends on Facebook. He's a science teacher. I mean, his parents ruined him because they sent him to be a doctor to the Dominican Republic. And they kept sending him 10 grand a month.

Oh, my God. So he was done there smoking coke and smoking weed. I mean, he's been a pot head. Like, when people say, oh, he's smoking. Oh, this guy's a head. Nobody's a bigger head than this guy was the first guy that took me into the city to get weed. Like he was maybe two years older than me, maybe a year or two, three tops. He's the one that we took me to a church.

in the village to cop there was a fucking catholic church in the village and on fridays downstairs in the bingo hall the priest would look the other way and they'd have like three dealers you used to come to mine they wrote the cop too you said right yes satan island no pasek per se yeah yeah i used to come to per se i used to go i used to come to persaic i used to go to per se i used to go to say i used to go to per se i used to go to per sey but that's a 30 minute drive you know you don't want to drive with the drugs back in the car yeah that's the thing like yeah yeah there was a cuban dude in persaic but i used to go see for coke and shit like that but that's a 30 minute try

with a, you know, two in the morning. Georgia City, you're going right through the Holland Tunnel. Yeah, you know, no, no. In New York, I grew up in North Bergen, so all I had to do was go over to George Washington Bridge and come back on the tunnel. It's a 20-minute ride. Yeah.

It's really a 20-minute ride. It's just a you. All you do is go through the bridge, make a left, go to 181, cop, and just stay on West Side Highway. You hit the Lincoln Town? You didn't hit the Washington Heights still? Yeah, right there, 181.

Right over there. And Audubon? All that, all those, Amsterdam, Autobahn. You just walk down a neighbor. You don't have to go two feet. Somebody's going to be like, oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that neighbor was right, right.

That was, I think to me, I love that Port Authority. Like, everybody loves Port Authority on 42nd Street. But for my taste, the Port Authority on the 178 Street, they had an OTB. Off track. Downstairs. Do you know what that is? You ever see that? Oh, yeah, the racing when you're just like, it's like a 7-11.

If you really want to. fucking feel good about your life. Oh my God. Going to an off-track bed. And you know what I just thought. And see the fucking people that hang out there. We should open up a combination off-track bedding white castle in the Midwest. You know how much money

we'd make a combination white castle off-track betting? Oh my God. I saw some wild shit over the years of off-track beddy. Here's what's crazy. For a while I was going to off-track bedding. Really? What do you know about horses? Don't you have to know shit about horses?

Because I used to, in those days, I would look at the program and I would see there was a drug that you give to a horse to stop it from bleeding from the nose there's a drug that they shoot them with and every time that the horses would get shot with that it makes them run faster so I would follow the horses that would get shot with that I do people out in the track I tell you my friend told me how they fixed the gray house they did the people were they're so smart finished on the horse going but don't remember but you know i grew up at the track i know the track back hand and forehand like before my mom died i would go to the track the metal over the metal land what was the name of the pegasus

the pegasus yeah my friend god rest is so viny lynx was the head chef when in fact bubbles guinette's brother bubbles guinette had a great great great grandsons and he had michael guernette and his brother was also a chef at the pegasus you had to wear a dinner jacket Yeah, that was like, dude, that was like a hoo-hoo. Let me taste of all the Jersey guys. The Meadowlands in 1993 was as crazy as a place as I had ever seen in my life, Lee. Lee, you would have lost your mind. If I were to take you to the mental hands, how I had it in 93, I mean from cop and coke to getting your dick suck to smoking weed, to eating that red clam chlam chatt they had with the fucking hard clam.

It tastes like a fucking hard clit. Like if the lady died and she had been stiff for four days, that's how hard the clit was when you ate those clams at the... At that fucking track, there was a chick that died in the car frozen. The name was... I don't want to give her name. Got rest of it. We grew up with her, but she got the heavily years later.

And she would walk around on the track and suck your dick. What? 10 bucks, 15 bucks, 20 bucks. It's so different now. I went to the track with you and your family and they have like kids... Oh, yeah. This is a PR, Katie. Oh, no.

The Sananeda is nice, too. That's very nice. But even the Meadowlands, Lee, honestly, everything's changed. How was the mental land? What was the last time you were the Melancholans? Oh, fuck. I don't even know, man.

Two thousands, I think. It's got to be 30 years for me. I can't lie to anybody. I haven't been to the Mental Lands race. Yeah, it's got to be. It's even long. Maybe 90. No, no, no.

I'm telling you, 93. It was the last time you were there. I went like 10. I was there constantly because I had moved back to do comedy. Well, my mother, my stepfather used to go into 80s, you know, But it's just so different how like when they were in their 30s and like to what like I'm dressed in a polo, they would always wear the suits, all the guys, you know. You didn't, you didn't. To them it was like the night out to go to the Pegasus.

I couldn't believe how when I was a kid how men would dress to hang out with other men. It suits. Like they would get jazz up matching socks. Have you seen the old pictures of like people of baseball games? Like they'd go to Fenway Park in a suit. You wouldn't be caught dead. You know what was funny too? Like if you called them a pimp.

or a gangster or something, they would get upset with that. Like now it's a compliment. Even if they were a pimp, you called him that. I'm just saying, like nobody liked that. That generation didn't like that. They always tried to appear to have more money. I remember a friend of mine came out to, this was years ago in Silver Lake, but he was a real mechanic.

But people that are blue collar try to dress like they have money and people that have money try to dress like their fucking blue collar. Does that make sense? Guys in a mechanic's shirt And a kid's worth probably fucking seven figures And my buddy's, you know Was a real mechanic and he's trying to dress like he had money But that was always the mentality

See that was always the mentality I was raised on them Yeah I was raised around people that no I was raised around people That had money But if you saw them you go No No

They played the real guys The real guys didn't need you to know that they had money. Well, but I was more, I'm talking more about like the fake blue collar shit that you see. Here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, here's a different, listen.

Whatever you see here in this city, in this time, you said it best. You said something I've never heard before. You said that there's people with personality? And there's people with character. Character. This is a town of people. Personality. Character is nothing.

You know, character is what you do when nobody's watching. I'm a firm believe in that. Character is what you do when nobody's watching. You know, I heard a statement 15 years ago that changed my life. It changed my life for cocaine. It changed my life from being the fucking thief that I was. And it was, don't let your character ruin your destiny. That is the most beautiful words you'll ever hear in your life if you take them the right way.

Don't let your character ruin your destiny. Destiny. When I heard those words, like in 2001, that changed me forever because I had so many fucking things that I wanted to do, and I could not do being the person that I was. There was no way. Did I tell you, somebody mailed me a fucking letter, and there was a $20 bill, and it's a count off a $20 bill, and I put it on my desk, I don't know if I put it in my wallet or not, and I don't know if I passed a $20 bill the last two days to somebody.

somebody right now i i can't find the fucking 20 dollar bill i don't know if my wife took it if my daughter took it somebody passed a 20 dollar bill but that that's did you know it was fake or did they end the letter it says it okay this is for you and lee blah blah blah okay it's a fake 20 i looked it it was beautiful yeah remember with the baby powder yeah yeah yeah yeah oh no you have to wrinkle them up and shake them out oh i was gonna tell you how they fixed the dogs okay yeah yeah yeah they salt lick them before the greyhounds what does that mean they they get them thirsty and then they have them drink a shit ton of water before they run. So the one that told me that, I don't know that, yeah, the one that they, yeah, that they want to weigh them down.

So they would, like, if there's seven, eight, nine dogs running, they'll salt like ate them or like, you know. That's why I saw, and I would go to the track sometimes. And we used to go to High Lion Florida a lot and go to the Greyhounds. But you see a dog just stop and piss sometimes. Now it makes sense. I used to go to Highline, Connecticut. I never went to the one in Florida. That's crazy.

Well, they just have the thing on the hand, right? That's like a fucking pool ball, man. But I used to buy Coke at the Highland Place in Miami. The guy would make me meet him there. Dang your Highland? Fuck, in 83, 84. Were you down there? I was down there a lot in 84, back and forth.

You have family down there? Because you Cuban? Yes, I have family down. I have a couple. But my mom wasn't a big Miami chick. No. No. She said that the Cubans in Miami were still crying about what had happened,

that she didn't have time for that shit, that she was timed to have a lay a state. They were still worried about Cuba and all this shit. So that's why she went to Jersey. It was more speed. It was still faster and whatnot. Yeah, because that's the, I think, is it Union City? Union City is the second biggest population.

Second biggest, yeah. I don't know what it is now. I don't know exactly who in. No, you guys are still there. Are we? No, we're still there, but there's, the blockage is a lot smaller. Dude, we drove, we were driving around. Everything's closed, man.

There's not, not, even like, my mom went to Holy Rosary Academy. All those places are gone. Holy Rosary Academy is gone. It's gone. In Union City. Yeah. St. Michael's is not gone. There's another Catholic school that's gone, too.

St. Michael's, Union City cannot be gone. That's what Tommy Night's the one of, you have to check it. Yeah. The whole neighborhood, everything's changed. We did a little tour of Jersey City where my mom grew up and, you know, my grandparents were from there. But going back to that, that was one of the, I have two friends. have you and Mike Duffy that I love you is to death but because you say that shit it takes me to a different place what do you mean like I talk to Mike once every 15 days me and

Mike were roommates in Colorado back in 83 Mike Duffy I know Mike Duffy since he joined the army and fucking went AWOL you know that's how long I go back with my father his uncles you know and whenever I talked to him he goes you came out pretty good for a kid that didn't have any supervision every time he says it to me my fucking hairs on my stand up but he's not lying no he's not lying he's telling you the truth you know what 50 my mother was alive 14 15 I still remember coming home the last smack in the face she gave me it was a week before she died because I walked in the door like at 5 in the morning I stopped calling it to and I walked in the 5

and she was right there and she hit me and she goes you know that's not gonna fly we have a deal from now on you have to call every hour on the hour and I go the last time I called I felt like I was waking you up she was don't wake me up wake me up I don't give a fuck wake me up that's our deal and she was like all I want the reason why I do this with you and I don't do it the other way is because I want you to understand that this is what a man does a man tells his wife what time he's gonna be back home at night. A wife doesn't give a fuck if you go out. Just tell her what time you're gonna be home

and stick to that commitment. And you and your wife will be fine. And she like broke it down to me. Like she smacked me at six in the morning. And then at nine, she came in there to talk to me. And this was the spiel. She was telling me. She goes, this is what a man does.

She goes, I don't give a fucking if you grew up. I need to stick to that spiel. That rule. She goes, I wish that. She goes, I hope that. that even if you shovel shit for a living, I just want you to be the best guy on that fucking job. Be the best shit shovel.

Be the best shit shovel. She said it in Spanish, you know. But she said it to me. She goes, what I'm telling you is going to stay with you for the rest of your life as a man. To be a man, you have to tell people what time you're going to be there. And I'll never forget, 10 days later,

as I'm calling the ambulance, she's on the floor fucking dead. I'm sitting there thinking, she was saying goodbye to me. She was telling him, She was reading me the riot act of 1968. That was the riot act. That's the riot act that your parents.

How old was your father when he passed? 37. I mean, how old were you? I'm sorry. Three. You were three. So I was damaged goods once he died. I was just trying to put the pieces together.

And once my mother died, I was damaged good. But that broke down the central nervous system, belief system. Yeah. The little Catholic system I had belief in my head that broke it down. because of what God takes away a mother. Yeah. Once you take that belief away from somebody, anything is possible. Well, you did.

I mean, dude, I mean, we've talked about this before, dude, but, you know, and just in private conversations, you know. I mean, look, everybody, you got to twist yourself up every now and then. But at the same time, you know, you did, man. You came out fucking great. Because you're a good dude. I mean, and I try to explain to people that sometimes, you know, I know it sounds crazily, but sometimes you don't know right. If you think you don't really, like, I didn't think stealing was wrong for a long time.

No, it was part of watch the same. If I robbed you, I'm a piece of shit. But if I rob like Nordstrom, who fucking cares? Who gives a fuck? Right? You don't, you have this weird value system that you create. But as a kid, I mean, but it's with a young mind, especially if you don't have a father. Like, for me, I found that, like, you create what you think a man is at a young age, right?

And then, uh, and it's stupid shit. A man should be able to fight. Fuck a lot of women. be good in sports and you create this image of what you think it is and then at about 25-26 you start to realize that's not what a man is and you spend like the next 15 years

trying to break all these fucking bad habits you create it for yourself you know and and like I was always taught to swing first now it's a practical thing for us if a guy's wolf in a mouth and off to you just fucking hit him don't don't hesitate just swing. If you thought about it you fucked up

that was my mother's rule just hit She let's say. You go, you commit. That's it. You hit them. Or whatever you got on you, you hit them with it. And just, now, now, that's not a practical way to, as an adult, you know, but you learn that from other people that, you know. And that just sticks with you.

So it's always swing first. Fuck it. Just if we're in, we're in. If I'm going to get jumped, take one with you. You know what I mean? And I, but trust me, I'm not trying to be a tough guy. I chalked up many and out. It's like I said in my special.

I don't know how many fights I've been in. but I've got about 19 strong losses. Fucking epic, you know? Punches to the head. But I'm saying there's other ways to handle situations that you don't, and you just think that's the only way to do it. If a guy's running his mouth about you, then you need to confront that

because for some unknown reason, your reputation, you know, and then you just think this way, even though, like, I'll be honest with you. Every time I went out with my friends, I was nervous. I used to play cool, but I always had like those butterflies lies in my stomach because I knew that if you're with some kids, you know some shit eventually is going to happen

but you went out anyways when, you know, because these are your friends and this is what you do. You know what I mean? But you don't make those types of decisions as a young mind. That's what I'm trying to tell you. So you get caught up in shit but you're still a kid. Like I always say if I was talking to myself at this age

or if I fucked up or did something and I said to myself at 17. You know, what are you doing? You know, I wouldn't, you, you, you, you view yourself as a kid with, with the mind you have now. But that mind is not fully developed, especially if you got all that shit going on. I found an old email. I just turned into Dr. Phil. No, no, no.

This is what, this is what the church is about, brother. Lee, are you not enough? No, no, no, no. I'm just listening. The church is about this. The church is about letting people, because people don't know. They don't, I found an old email last week. Troublesome.

email a friend a dear friend that one time and life took over you know and you know life when you love somebody you never stop loving them there's certain people in your life i never stop loving this guy but the bridge that was created between us was just a heavy bridge and if i try to talk to him i'm gonna have a nervous breakdown at this age so we keep it very light but he did send me a troublesome email two years ago that he heard somebody told him on the podcast that uh he heard something that i had robbed that he was conclusive now that he didn't believe it at first but i had come clean about it on the podcast and and that uh somebody had called him and reminded him or something and you know and i wrote him a thing i found this like a couple nights ago but i wrote to him back like this two fucking hour explained to him you know my age

at that age or who the person I was and now I could it was great I read it two days later he's never gotten back to me yet he started hasn't gotten back to me you know I thought he would read it

but this is how back the pain goes between us because it's 40 fucking years 40 fucking years but now here's the other thing buddy is that and the anger is what I realized I walked around with a lot of anger

for me. We all do. But it's, it's, it's, it's a little different when some natural shit happens to you. That doesn't, normal people don't go through. And, and the thing I found, um, as I've gotten older is you, you, you, you tend to act out, you, you project it in other ways. Like, even if I'm doing something stupid, it still stems from the fact that I'm hurt, you know, because that's where all of it comes from. Even these people that argue politically, there all hurt people. Something hurt them. That that's why

they're this way. Even when I'm fucking screaming at the top of my lungs in my 20s at the comedy store, even, you know, even with my friends sometimes, you develop patterns through like a wounded stage, if that makes any sense. Does that make sense? So when you

act out on shit, there's so much going through you. Now, with that being said, it's not the other person's responsibility that you may have wrong to understand that. You know what I mean? Because now you're a cause of something to them, if that makes any sense. Oh, no, one of the reasons, this is how high, even at that age, I adored him, but I had to stop being his friend because I wasn't doing him any favors.

Right. Like at that age, at the age of 20. No, you're not even into adult puberty yet. It was a very painful thing for me to be around him because I had done him wrong. I knew I did him wrong. He knew I did him wrong. He did know, but he didn't have it known. and then you came clean that you did do it?

No, no, no, no. I knew even at that age I had done him long. He had done a big favor for me. You know, last week was, I was starting to tell Rogan on this podcast that last Saturday was my second family I lived with the mother's 80th birthday party. And they had a big thing in Philly and I couldn't go because I had some Monday. I would have to take a 6 a.m. flight. Somebody would have had to pick me up in Philly.

I want to interrupt you for one second. You know that's not a normal statement. What's that? The second family you live with. Can you believe that? Right. But I'm saying, like, as a normal person, when people say that, it's just part of who you are. It's a natural.

It's part of who you are. My mother died. I moved them with the Benders. Right. I stayed with them. But I'm saying that second, the fact that you have to preface the second family that I live with. 16 months, I leave with the Benders. Yeah.

In the week that Reagan got shot, they asked me to leave. I mean, I was out of control. And I'm not mad at them. And, like, three months before, I was, got asked. to leave, I was hanging out with this kid. We would bump in, he was nuts. I loved him. He was another nut. Drugs, coke, whatever. We would rob shit.

And he came to me. Like, I was telling him, I go, the benders are going to throw me out any day now. It's just a matter of time. They're going to throw me out. Now, let me ask you this question. When you were doing all that shit, you knew they were going to throw you out, but you kept doing it? Was it kind of like a self-destructive thing? Or you just didn't care or you just were still acting out?

You find what I'm saying? Like if you, if they said to you, look, Joey, we're taking you in, you got to act a certain way, you got to help us help you. And you were just like, fuck it. You were still, was there like a, do you remember the rationale behind it or were you just? The rationale behind it was that my mother had just died. Right. And in my mind, the back of my head, I couldn't wait to pull a L'Anthony Bordane. That's what I'm saying.

I was just waiting for an Anthony Bordane situation to come up. Whether I was going to pull a gun on somebody that wanted to shoot me, whether I was in a do, too many drugs. Right. I was at that point. When I was living with them. So it was, it was suicide by circumstance almost.

Right? When I was living with them. You ever hear that, by the way? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

It was suicide. Like, I'm going to do something. I'm going to go so fucking hard that I'm going to, I'm going to do this. I don't, I don't want to do it officially, but I'm going to, I'm going to do this.

You know, I live by energies. You know, I believe in the motions of life. I believe, and I just spoke to somebody in this, that they were the, tail end of some stuff, but they understood what was going on. And you have to understand that that time I was, I was, I was just, I was pure misery. I had brought the misery that was in my house

to their house. I could feel the energy I had brought the same misery that I had at my home before my mother died was now at their home. I could feel what I did. I was causing you're toxic. I was toxic. And to top it off, I'm doing drugs. I'm going to high school, I'm getting beans. I got a day job. I mean, you can't believe all this shit. It's not like I'm mugging old people.

Yeah, I got you, man. Beating up 90-year-old. No, no, no, no, no, no. I would go to school from 7.30 to 1, and then I would take the bus and work from 1.30 to 5 at a lumber yard. And then I would go to the benders. I would eat dinner with them like a family. We'd talk.

And at 7 o'clock, I'd meet my buddies. We'd get a gram a fucking blow, a couple hits of asses. No, see, no, I want to ask you another question. A case of fucking nips. So going back to that, though, like, and again, I'm only, I don't want to make this about me. I can only relate what you're saying. No, no, no, no. I want you to do this.

This is what we do. Like, so what happened with, like, as a young kid, and I'm asking you this in a question, did you create a persona? Did you create something that you made you you, that you have just, it's morphed into who you are? Because there's a big difference. I remember having a very dear friend of mine who was always into something. there was like a five, six year period where, you know, he got into some heavy shit. And then afterwards, we were talking and he's evolved and he's grown.

I'm in that five to six year period right now. He's fucking, his eyes is. I love this kid. So, and I said to him, he's like, I can't believe I used to, I was that way. And I'm like, no, this, who you are now is who you always were. You created that. That was not you. But it's become a part of you.

Now, for me, I always embarrassed. I was never embarrassed, but I always tried to play tougher than I was, even though I was a scrappy kid. You know what I mean? Not that I was embarrassed that I was smart, but I just always tried to downplay things. And not that I'm the smartest guy. I'm just saying it. I hid my intelligence. Right.

But some of the guys that was around, it wasn't hard to not be smarter than some of them, you know. And my interest in writing and my interest in performing. But I held on to that persona because it was almost. like a safety thing. Does that make any sense? So then you start while and out because that becomes this guy. I'm not trying to break it down. I'm just curious. Do you understand? Did you create, was this always you or did those events create somebody? And I know that they- Those events created somebody. They created somebody. I was a very decent kid. I was very Catholic. Okay. I went to confession every week. I would steal quarters.

from my mother's bar, and it would drive me fucking crazy. Like, the roll of quarters, like, I would take, like, four quarters from that, and I would confess that would drive me fucking crazy. But let's just say after... I was by the book. Okay, so after this event, you were already whiling out a little bit. No, I was by the book. Until after your mom died.

No, no, no, no, no. That's what I'm asking. I was by the book until I was about 13. Okay. And then I always grew up around drugs. Right. Drugs were around me. Yeah, it was around me, too.

Coke. All that shit. you know, pills. Suttly, though. Very suddenly, it wasn't for me. It wasn't for me. Alcohol wasn't for me because my mother had a bar. So none of that shit was for me.

And then one day I just said, let me try this weed. I liked how it smelled. And it was like a secret. It was like a big secret. I had my weed friends and had my geek friends. My geek friends would call me, hey, you want to geek out and go to Honda and look at karate uniforms today?

now I'm going to go to brets and build a model we're going to brets to get all right and this is the led's up because brett's father's go to Atlantic City on the bus I'm gonna bus 15 to get on and then they give you 15 in quarters when you get there but your dad has to stay there all day so that means we got the house till 6 and he can't

come home early if he loses all his money you say I gotta stay there to the 6 o'clock bus so you know I was that kid but I was always working out blah blah blah blah I was just asking because then there's the guy that we always I go back to too, which I talk about in my act in the principal's office, which I'm past that. But sometimes I find myself going back to the guy I was in my 20s and 30s because I find the humor in that, how fucking stupid I was sometimes or dumb shit I did as a kid.

You know, but then I asked myself, did I create that guy? Not that I'm pretending to be that guy. Once I became that guy, oh, Brett? Then you owned it. Once I became that guy. At 18, by 18, those two years without my mother told me one thing that I was not a tough guy. By no means, it was a tough guy. I was crazy.

If we had a scrap and a gun fell from your waist and I picked it up, I'd blow your fucking head off. Because I was ready to die because I missed my mother. The pain. That's what it is. And the whole is too much. By the time 18. came fuck the world

fuck the world bro I hung out with dudes that you know what Brett that picture's yours it's a nice picture but guess what Brett it's fucking mine now you had a friend that would do they walk in

and be like this is mine what are you going to do about it what the fuck you know and I wasn't that person right but if you gave me resistance I became that person and behind me you had three motherfuckers right you had deal with this. You said something to me. Well, again, the question I was asking.

That scares me. That Joey Diaz scares me. And that's always there. But that Joey Diaz, see, the guy that I talked about in my special, I created at six or seven. If that makes any sense. No, at six or seven. At ten. I believed in nuns. I believed in God. I believed in Santa Maria.

Right. I believed in society. Because your first, even though, all right, so even though your father died at at three. I believed in the flag. Right. I believed in the United of America. He's still dope. I believed my mother,

my mother was raising me to Paella the Hesido. Cuban moms raised their sons at that time. Paela Hesito, you know what the Hesido is? The surface. That's how much she loved this country, even though she sold coke and numbers

and fucking did heroin and all that shit. She believed in this country, and so did I. Okay, but then let me tell you what happens. So now my mother dies. I go to get Social Security. I can't get it because my father's death certificate was never signed.

Really? It was like a thousand things. So that love I had for the country, I found that it was all bureaucracy. That's a child. That's a 16-year-old child. Who gives a fuck with the paper to pay? Yeah. Give him his fucking money.

Yeah. So there's a piece of pay. He needs money. What is he going to do? If he doesn't have this money, he's going to do something. Now, again, do you want me to look you in the eye and tell you I had to do something to get money? No, I don't. I could have got a job.

I could have got a thousand jobs. I opted to rob drug dealers. I opted to become that person. You're saying, yeah, no, I was a creature why I was a victim of my environment. Am I saying I was a victim? No, no, no, no, no. I get exactly what you're saying. And then I got harder and harder and hard.

See, now in my professional opinion, I would say that if the drugs weren't involved, you could have had to clear a head. and and please yeah but if the pain was involved then the drugs would I wouldn't have a clear head because that pain after you said that that night on stage and when Mike last Saturday when I called Mike to tell his mother happy birthday and I thought to myself you know when I was the godfather the best thing of the godfather for me bro since the day I watched it in the movies because I saw the godfather the movie theater at the cinema theater

all right and then I bought the book you could get the book and I bought the book and they had the picture of the car blown up in the book and all that shit you know at the Sicily but the thing that stuck out the most they told us they went

yeah Monday Thursday they went the thing that stuck out the most of me about the godfather was that you know if he's your brother how can you have a different name and he goes my brother son he found him one day and brought him home and and you're sitting there

what the fuck is he talking I'll never forget that going home and like five days after that movie I saw it like having dinner with my mom and some of our friends and go mom can I talk to you about something what if I went out one day and I met a kid that didn't have a mom and dad can I bring him home and she goes yeah so dog I was in a search looking for a homeless kid because I wanted a brother my mother couldn't have any other kids I was already 12 or 10 or 11 so for like two years I would ask like kids you're happy yeah you're happy yeah I got air conditioning, I got HBO. You're trying to steal them away. It was hysterical. I was like a college recruiter, though. You're happy with your mother. You let it talk to you that way.

At my house, we got no curfew. You understand me? You all I got to do is calling anything out. And fried bananas and Malta. You can live like this all the time. You can come over. Strong coffee. Oh, my God.

My mom had the bar. So the first four tiers of my refrigerator were fucking sodas. And I'm not talking about bars. I'm talking about Coke, seven-up. Remember that Czech cola shit? We used to put that in a hot dog truck. The Czech soda? They used to have at the bar, my mom used to have real soda,

but she goes to some people don't give a fuck. So she would get the cases of bottles, 32-ounce bottles, and they would be like liven up with seven-up. Cola, yeah. They were all, and they were delicious. They were great. But Czech was from Food Town, was Czech soda, was a generic brand. When I was a kid, they used to get orange soda,

and I'd get vanilla wafers. Oh, my God. And dip them in the orange. But when you were looking for that kid, you didn't realize one day you were going to be that kid. Can you fucking believe that? Right. So for two years, I almost had Michael Olson moving. Michael Olson had him convinced.

He had been smoking cigarettes since he was seven. Listen to me. Why? I don't know why. I don't ask questions to me. I just know he needed help because he had never gone to the dentist. So when his teeth came out when he was six, he started smoking right over him. And his cavities were so bad.

Facebook's now grinning like like like fucking liberate fresh teeth yeah he got those fresh teeth caps and bro his cavities were so bad that he could put a cigarette in his front tooth and it was the tooth was here dug the cavity was up here and he could put the cigarette in the hole that's how bad his teeth were his breath from six feet away smelled like a dead fucking body was a stuck and I used to look at him and go you know what this kid just needs a house this kid just needs a little supervision you know what why do you got to pick the hardest one

because all he needs is a tooth brush He got to sleep next to this fucking kid He's breathing on him I had an attic I was gonna put him in the attic I had an attic that was finished I had the air conditioning Oh yeah I'd send them up to the attic like Boris

Do you take any of them on tours Like here's the house Oh I would bring them all when they eat I'd say Shut the fuck up up there I had a great living room That's my brother he's up in the attic He's got the worst teeth you've ever seen

I had a great living room I had everything. I had a perfect house for a kid. I had my own bedroom. I had a garage. Yeah. Another bedroom down there. They wanted to move in down.

They had like nine bedrooms in that fucking house. I'm giving that terrace. And it's weird. I became that kid. And then Italians opened their door to me. Yeah. But I still say to myself, you imagine that?

So I got thrown out. Well, let me ask you this question. Yeah. Imagine you see a kid now going through what you're going through as a 55-year-old man. and not even having to go through that. So there's no relation, there's no where you can empathize.

You just see a kid fucking 14 years old or 15, no parents bouncing around from couch to couch or whatever, right? Now imagine that, now imagine looking at that kid and seeing the anger and seeing the sadness and all that shit. If you've already come to terms with shit you've done in the past, then that's even better. But if you haven't,

I'm not saying you have or haven't. Now that's that kid that did, all that. And as a 55 year old man, if you're sitting there with a 14 year old kid and you found out, or even 18, you found out all this shit that he did, and you're going to look at him, you're not going to be like, this is a rotten kid. You're going to be like, you know, let me talk to him. Let me talk to him. Let me talk to him. So when you have that, the only reason why I'm saying that, when you have that inner dialogue, which is up. I see that anger. Yeah. First of all, you can't beat that anger. The anger has to wear off on its own. The anger cannot be

That's why low testosterone is the greatest thing ever. Yeah, no, but... Orney Adams has a great bit about that. But an 18-year-old, angry kid? Yeah, he can't. That's the most dangerous person. He can't talk to him. He can't see past his nose.

Take a mother from him, a father. Yeah, of course. The father stops calling. All those little situations destroys an 18-year-old boy or a female. destroys it. Perhaps a fucking mootly. And the anger, so when I talk to a child, I have to rate the anger. love will always be that

I will fucking tell you that from I know it love is like a if you want me to tell you a joke it's like a finger in the ass love is like that if I want to look at your heart

and I had to put a tube through your ass with a camera that took an hour and inch colonoscopy yeah it's like a colonoscopy love takes a long time to overcome anger but it overcomes Well, the other thing is that when you talk to a young kid, and this is some of the stuff when I was in my late 20s that I was working with kids a lot, is that that was very therapeutic for me. Even the stuff, where is it cathartic?

Anyways, even the stuff that me and Steve, when we do with the Children's Hospital and stuff, it helps. I don't know, man, I realized one day, and this was just a revelation I had, whenever I was getting angry with myself, I was depressed and, you know, trust me, it was. There's a lot of that shit that, you know, that I was going to do. This career, this career that we go through. There's so many factors to it. It's a way at you a lot. It can kill you. And then we add some shit to it that angers us.

So it's a lot. It's, you know. But what I was going to say is whenever I was feeling a certain way, I'd go out and twist myself up. I'd be like, I'm fucking angry. I'm going to go get drunk. I'm going to go do something stupid. Then it dawned on me. Why is that my fucking reaction?

Why don't I go the other way? Right? When I'm feeling depressed or angry, I just go out and say, say, fuck it, I'm going to go buy two large pizzas and go down the promenade and hand out slices to homeless people, right? I don't want to sound like a fucking saint. It was just a reversal of thought. Why was every time I was feeling a certain way, my behavior would be just destructive to me. I wouldn't ever hurt another soul. It was just destructive to me. Whereas on the flip side, if I said to myself, well, then let me take that anger and do something good with it. And then I just,

it was through a lot of that stuff, I started. calming down. How do you get to let the people are listening to this because how old were you when you got this clarity piece? 30s. Okay, let me tell you what I had. I have a 27-year-old daughter.

That doesn't talk to me. We don't talk. I've come to peace with it. I've come to terms with it. But at that time, when I was 32, this is 95, 94, I was 31 and 32. This was eating a lot. at me. Of course. So I would get her on Wednesdays and Sundays.

And the mother would, you know, instead of, she could have been cool, but she would just throw salt in the wound. You know, she knew I was fighting for my life, and she would pull up with the boyfriend and the range rover. And, you know, they were going to dinner at Spargo's. I don't know. I'm just making her right name. Yeah, I got you. And I remember walking that kid to that car and kissing her, and the kid would hug me in tell me she loved me and I'd look at the both of them because they were trying to cut my legs off you know they were trying to take this kid for me and every time I'd bend over and kiss

this kid and straighten up and look at the both of them you and I both know I want it just to go in the trunk pull out the fucking gun and shoot them both on the spot but I would force myself to go in the car I would cry like a man 32 year old man crying nothing wrong with that I mean bawling tears coming out of my eyes I would open up the ashtray there was a joint rolled I'd get myself together I'd wipe my eyes I'd fucking smoke the joint

and I'd get in the car and I'd force myself to do comedy at a country Western bar every Wednesday you have no idea what that was like guys you have no idea what that was like to force yourself from that ying to that yang do you ever do well when you were that said yes

really yes I that's what I thought When my brother, the night my brother died, I went up. No way. I didn't even talk about it. I just went up. And I just said, all right, I got to get, I got to do it. You know? But it was, I don't even remember the set.

I don't even care. But, you know, you, you work through it. There's the one thing, this is the one thing I tell people, you never get over it. You just get through it. You never get over. You never get over. It's always in the back you had. But the one thing, the one blessing I had was, and it's not really a blessing.

I associated marijuana. I know it's stupid now because my dad smoked a lot. I thought it was the reason why he killed himself. So I never smoked it because I thought I'd go crazy. And I always associated drugs with craziness. With craziness. That's a good way to get yourself off. Yeah, but I meant now that I'm older, I see that weed is nothing.

But as a young kid, and plus I grew up with some, you know, the Italian, a lot of the Italian guys, there was a no-no. You know. I mean, I remember, you know I say to you, if you're in jail, if you rob a bank, if you murder somebody, I'll come get you. If I find out you're dealing with using drugs, you're going to fucking rot.

It was just a big, it was a big thing. It's another reason why I never had tattoos. Meaning I'm not a tattoo. No. It was Tony Bennett, Coxon. I don't just sit there. I like Tony Bennett's quote. Don't disrespect your talent.

Never. As I said, it was disrespecting the talent. Tony Bennett's great. That's why I remember. Monday at halftime. I play totally I want to be around to pick up the pieces when

somebody breaks. Is this depressing this podcast now that we're talking about? No, no. This is what it's about. Let me let me talk. Listen, anybody can come out here and be funny. But these are the conversations we have in a back.

Yeah, anybody could come on here and be funny and we can be cute and we can be high and giggle. I have those podcasts. Tonight I wanted to see you. I wanted to talk about that joke. I got to say something too, which I love is that people know, and this is why I love the internet is because the internet is allowing, the people that are blowing up through the internet are the right people. And a lot of people don't know, like with you or even Tripoli, I mean, I did one of his podcasts. We were arguing, but we're brothers. We're brothers. We're

20 years, 21 years together. This is like being in the army. Right. Only a different shotgun. And we've always been there for each other Even worse, bad, talking We could be like I was talking about When you're talking about Be Home when you're supposed to I would be at the comedy store Set ended at midnight

And next thing I know is 3.30 We're in the fucking parking lot Talking about samurai Let me do some shout out Yeah go ahead, go ahead Let me grab a water First and more foremost Bob Lengis

I'll give you a call this week Thank you for the box My daughter fucking loves the kitty Lee said you sent him a yardstick I really appreciate it I love you Bob, I love you. Your dad, you are true church family, like in Scott Cunningham, and the rest of his.

Sergio Otega, I got fucking the album, thank you. Ian Jones, Chris Dingler, Uki Spooky, I Miss Your Bitch, Carmen Colosimo, Mateo Oliveris, Nikki Santos, Colin O'Sullivan, my girl, Deborah Hubster. I love you, motherfuckers all my heart. Listen, as you know, the South Point is sold out this weekend, and guess what? wise guys in two weeks they're sold out let me talk to them and see if we're gonna add a Thursday night

maybe a little fucking Mormon show you could show up with your third wife you know what I'm saying? No dog we were a family we vouch one another you know when I did not know you were in Cobra Cuy

oh yeah I did not know and I was so happy because finally the good guys won Like, well, thank you. People have no idea that we know. Like when Willie Bar Center came on here,

he still remembers going to pick up Chris Tucker where he lived in a studio on a towel. Yeah. You know, when you live in a town. It's a kinship we have. And it's a kinship for some people. For some of us, some comics come up here, bro, and they get a jealousy bug,

and they get an anger bug, and they get popular, and they want what they got not to be taken away. in my world brother we spread the love yeah and if you're doing it right uh you're only competing against yourself like i don't know why people think that there's a limited number of chairs at the table the table's fucking infinite it's infinite whatever you bring you bring and and and the and if you're doing it right it takes long if you're doing it right you know one of the worst things that can happen to you is if you pop too early i think that's so hard to hear because i just started like that's

like and i know it's probably and i know it's definitely true but when I don't know. There's been such a dream sold, especially. Like, I never thought I'd try to be like an actual, like, entertainer, entertainer. I thought I was always going to be behind the camera. What I mean is a dream sold? Like, being a movie star, being Justin Bieber and being discovered at 13 and being a Millie.

But I'm saying, is that your perception or is that there's somebody tell you that's how it happens? I mean, yeah, it's probably my perception. I mean, I never, I never taken one acting class, never thought I'd do anything like this. but you kind of want it and it's not you had a good set by the way thank i we're at the dojo i appreciate it i've been i've been working on it but i'm also like i wouldn't want like i keep thinking about uh charlie murphy and how he had to headline when he had like 15 minutes yeah and like we don't headline no no no i'm not going to headline but it's just like i can't be imagined being put in that position you're not don't worry

about it that's true I shouldn't stop worrying about something. Don't worry about it. This guy will fucking. He said something before about something. He said something before about something. I looked at him. I go, what do you worry? I go, this is why.

You need to smoke more dope and stop thinking. Do you have anxiety? Oh, yeah. Then you live in the future. Yep. I have depression. I live in the past. I have both.

I live in both. Yeah. I get depressed when I think about my past. I don't get depressed. I get, I miss parts of it. I missed. Yeah. I missed the kenship.

I miss the camaraderie. I missed a different type of laughter. You missed the Puerto Ricans doing the barbecue? You had me fucking die. Listen, and like Renee and Kassi, he's my brother, he's a Puerto Rican dude. But he knows.

In the 70s, 60s, and 80s in New York, if you lived in shitty neighborhoods in New York City, you know, and you were Puerto Rican, Dominican, black, white, you know, you're Irish, and you've got 13 brothers and six. sisters you live in a two bedroom you ain't living too good so the big thing would be to go to the Hudson River to cool off when I was a kid so when I was like 13 on on the weekends you'd see a rise like

in blacks Puerto Ricans but it was hysterical because they'd pull up like they were going like to fucking you know it's weird it's it was an education listen my mother had money when I was growing up and I didn't like it we did on 205 West 88th Street But I hung out at my godmother's at a 14th in Broadway. And those motherfuckers slept 18 to a room. They had roaches. They shared one sandwich between eight kids. But they taught me how to shake down the owners.

They were young. They taught me how to sweep and take garbage out. When I was around them, I wouldn't tell them that I had a TV and HBO and that I had my own fucking air conditioner in my room. I wouldn't even talk about that stuff. I'd wear the sneakers they wore and the whole thing. Just to experience what they were going through. You know what I don't even know what the purpose of this thing is.

But I still remember those kids saying to me like, what are you doing this weekend? My uncle, Uncle Vinny's going to borrow a car from Charlie and we're going to go over the Jersey to the Hudson River and swim. It's a big day. And I remember going, wait a second. I've been to Hudson River.

It ain't no big fucking day. There's lones lizards. I don't know if they're going down. They were fishing, holding up the fish. One time I went down there with a kid named Mike Ascle and he's and this other kid, and we went fishing. Oh, the Lopez brothers. The Lopez brothers had a mom who was dying from cancer,

and she would get strong pills, F-66s. They don't even make them no more. They were, like, stronger than oxycons. Oh, my God. And she would get, like, 60 of a month. And the mother's like, I want to die anyway. Sell them. So they would sell those pills for, like, 20 bucks,

and you would get fucked up. I forget what they were called. But the brothers were crazy. These two brothers, We went down there one day, the Hudson River, and we were fishing. I didn't know. I don't know. They gave me a pole, and I just fished.

I was just happy they invited me. We were drinking some beers with smoking pot. One of them caught an eel. Well, the white dudes caught an eel. And dog, he thought he caught like a lobster. Oh, fucking, if he was Italian, that's going in the tub. Dog, he thought it was a lobster. Cut it up for Christmas.

He thought it was a lobster? He cut it up and put it on the grill. Like nothing. He's eating his Hudson grill. Oh, there's no way you're supposed to eat eel from a hook. Dog, he ate the fox. fucking heart right in front of us. He's like, I eat these things all the time.

He's all that burping by himself and shit. But I was... He would eat those eels, everything. Whatever he would catch. I mean, he was catching fishes with one eye. You know what was in the Hudson in 1970? Do you have any idea? Fucking body.

What's in that thing? In that fucking Hudson River. I tell people this all the time. The New York in the 70s, America. It was 10, a thousand times worse than it is. It's filthy. New York City was filthy. Which also is why I'm always defending millennials.

I mean, granted, they're a little soft, but at the same time, I mean, dude, it was, we were, my generation hasn't done shit. I mean, the, and the baby boomers is like, come on. What are you on your third fucking marriage? You know, thanks for cocaine and AIDS. What's a baby boomer? It's like, no. Like 10 years, 20 years old.

You're a tweener. You're a tweener. You're between me and my parents' generation. So you're a tweener because you're not, you're not old enough to be my father. I got a discount of Denny's. You better lighten up with that shit. I'm getting my discounted of Denny's. I go to Denny's a style.

So you're like in between a baby boomer and generation X and then there's the in between X and Y. But like every generation after World War II. I think that's what it was. World War II was baby boomers because they came home and... But you had babies. Yeah, they had babies. How old would your mother be today?

Because that'll tell you. Your mom might have been a baby boomer. I think, no. I think she's a little older than that. Oh, fuck. My mom would have been 88, probably. Oh, okay. So she's a little.

in between World War II and Korea generation. It's crazy, right? 1925. Where the fuck this time go, Joe? We were saying when I met you, you were in early 40s, right? Yeah, the younger than that. Oh, listen, when I was born, I was 31. That's like fucking Lee.

Like, I went from being 15 to being 19. It's so weird. Like, there's no pictures in me, but I remember being like, being 16, and all of a sudden when my mother died, like, aging 5. years. Of course. Because I remember going to my godlord's house and she going, you didn't have this two years ago. What happened to you? You used to be such a nice looking little young boy. Like I went from being 16 to 30. See, I remember there's a picture you posted when you were dancing, your little kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's that spirit. And the bad shit

happens to you, but that thing is, it always comes out. My mom used to say that about me. She goes, you got in trouble, but you weren't a bad kid. Which, you know, every mom would say that. But But I was always, there's things that happen to you that kind of fuck you up a little. And you get sad all the time. I remember being sad. But then there was always that playful kid that would come out. But see, I moved 15 times, man. I went to 15 different fucking schools.

So I was always trying to make friends. Like I was always a new kid. It would always start the same. You're in front of the class. You see the kids, they try you out on the playground. You're going to have to throw hands maybe the first two weeks. That everybody becomes your friend. And the next thing you know, we had to move again.

So I was back and forth from Jersey to Florida. Even in West Virginia, we live for a minute. You know? And it just, and then the other thing, too, is like, the shit that I remember, I mean, it just comes up when you get older and you go, how the fuck? How is that normal?

You know? You ever think of something from your childhood and you want to really think about it, but you know, it's going to take you into a dark place? Well, my father, when he got arrested in front of me, I'm not going to fucking even think about it. Well, I remember he went to the basement, and this is the thing I had, and he was hiding in the basement, and the cops came, and my godfather came, and then, you know, to like, you know, don't put handcuffs on them. And I just, and I remember it.

But I didn't remember it as a kid. I remember it when I, I'll tell you something where I started getting real fucking, I started writing a book. And writing this book was the worst fucking thing I could have done. Horrible. I'm going through it right now. I stopped. For two weeks. I almost kill people.

I almost kill people. I stopped. And I go, you know what? Because there's no fucking happy ending yet. I don't ride off to the sunset. You know? And on top of that, I don't need to remember all this shit. And that's when I decided to stop looking in the fucking rear view, man.

I want to write the book for one purpose that really bothers me. That really bothers me. I was telling Lee today. The reason why I want to write this book, the reason why I have to be, the reason why I haven't given up is because I really want people to know where I was mentally. Every once in a while I remember and it scares the shit out of me. The church is that vehicle too, though, for you, right? Well, I want people to know that you could be at one place mentally and end up in a different

life changes on a fucking dime. On a dime. And the other thing. But you have to work on it. Yes. You have to work on it. You can't sit around. I worked on this.

You got to work. I worked on not being jealous. I worked on not letting my Cuban machismo getting away. Yeah. I worked on working on, hey, don't disrespect. Who the fucking you to call me that, you know, I had to work on those things. I really had to work on those things. You have to think about how many times, like we had this conversation one time, Lee and I.

You have to go home one time and write down what it takes to be Brett Ernst every day. The patience, the level. They have self-understanding. Everybody has blind spots and to really assess yourself honestly and either take 50% accountability or 100% to where you're at. And with that being said, you know, you look at, you just, when you assess yourself honestly and the thing, like you need to know, like I needed help. I didn't know how to ask for help. I was always, I just did not to do it. I thought it was weak.

You've been needing help, but you don't want help. I fucking yeah. That's the worst. When you need help and you don't want it. Dude, it's horrible. It's fucking horrible. I got myself in a fucking hole. Horrible.

A bad hole. And I just never told anybody. And I just had to get out of it. And I tried to figure out a way and it just got overwhelming that I had to pull somebody. I've only talked to two people my whole life. And I pulled them aside and I said, this is where I'm at. He almost smacked me for not coming to him 10 years ago. you know and and five years ago

but the point is is that when you assess that stuff here's something somebody said to me that always stuck me a good friend of mine is kid Darrell Lamontre he was a comic for a while but he's just brilliant somebody they're still shooting off fireworks he said destiny is persistent and that always stuck with me and then I

came up with this right or wrong decisions and I always said there's not right decisions is just there's not right or wrong. There's right and long. So taking that thing to destiny is persistent, say if I'm supposed to be here and I make a left, it may take me off my course, but then destiny will correct itself, right?

And it'll put you back where you're supposed to be. It may be a longer fucking route, but eventually, like, I'm supposed to be here, even if I did something fucked up. But then that's where I'd stop taking, putting so much emphasis on the decisions, you know? as long as my heart's in the right place and I'm trying to do the right thing and if the decision doesn't go that way then it doesn't go that way but if it takes me off my course it eventually it'll

fix itself if that makes any sense the comedy journeys it's long way that's how we it's fucking long it's not even about the stage journey it's about your own mental journey I mean you I know you was a young man you've grown up to be a man I mean my 20s you've grown up to be a man you're Be a man. You're responsible. You're in this game. You know, you figure it out. I can't.

None of these fucking people can blow smoke up your ass now. You're on the course now that only you could get off of. But you have what I have. Okay. And what that is, is that there's people in this business that just take the business home on them. Okay? We got to take everything and the fucking business.

We got to sit there and start replaying shit that happened fucking 20 years ago that you can't fucking shake. You got to sit there and fucking, all these things that are going on and then you got to deal with this and and you just it just fucking it's a lot man the business alone people can't handle see i want you i think six years lee okay because well you're in a different situation but i moved out here like you i didn't fucking know anybody well i moved out for my girl at the time but i meant i didn't know anybody in comedy or nothing get a job i work i work now those six years the odds are against you when

you first start because people quit they go home but once you get past a certain point now you start playing the odds right once you beat the odds and you're in it now you're in it you're committed okay every year after that the odds start coming in your favor because you start playing them whether it's 20 years 21 years i mean dude not it doesn't matter but you know there were times you call me fucking five years ago brett i need this you can you help me with this oh abs to fucking looting and then i'm going to call you now you know what i mean But now you've, you hung in, you're done, you're there. I can't believe I wake up.

You're fucking there. You beat the odds. I still remember going, I'm never moving to L.A. I was that guy that I was not going to move to L.A. I'll stay in Seattle. I'll do. But the scenes were different then. But you, back then, the scenes were different.

You could develop more and it was more comedy driven, but you had to be here in New York in order to be somewhere. Now it's just the opposite. Those scenes are kind of fucking played out, but you can be anywhere now, especially that you're established, because you put your time in. The internet is the greatest.

This is the best time to be an artist, I think. That's why I gave my special away for free. I put it out there for free. You want to give me fucking Mickey Mouse dollars? Because I think we had a similar situation in the beginning. And I just said, fuck it. Well, listen. By the way, go to brettcomedy.com.

You can watch it for free. Let me tell you some. It's funny how. I don't need permission to exist. Lee, you'll see this. and this could, there are so many obstacles. Oh yeah, there's obstacles that, there's personal obstacles and there's obstacles you can't control.

Then there's the obstacles of people that when you go to an open mic or you do a show, they'll purposely not follow you because they can't. They can't. They'll come up on excuses why they have to leave and they have to go up early. And these are the people that they give them shows to

and all the money to. people who don't even know how to put the microphone in the stand correctly you'll see this and that's a different form of abuse that's the abuse of why ain't i getting what he's getting these are all and then one day you stop thinking that way these are all self-inflicted type beatons there's a question i have for you go ahead okay did the way this has helped me so again i don't know if it's superfluous or not but you the way i can't i i never had anything So I didn't fucking care. No, me.

Like, if you had more than me, everybody had more than me. I don't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck. So, and that was my question. So that I think, because there's also a burden from coming from something. Like, if you have parents out of expectations and you got to fucking, you have this time clock where if I don't do this by this, they're going to judge me. I was very fortunate.

I didn't have that. I just had a mom that loved me and said, Brett, do whatever the fuck you want to do and be the best of what you do. Right? but there is that those kids that come here that have that that come from something that can't handle if somebody has more than them or they feel that they're being judged or that you know they have that pressure right how many people are we feel then there are those bitch-ass fucking dudes that just that's in their nature oh a shit ton come to go and how many

more and listen to how scary this question is how many these guys left and you know I had more talent than you did that were more naturally talented I've seen more people leave that had more natural talent than I have in my fucking and they ran out of here. Natural talent. Good looks. They could sing. They could do something that I couldn't fucking do. Voices.

Something. Something. But if you asked me eight years ago, who my top five or top ten were, I would say right now, America knows who they are now. And it has no help by the end, with the exception of Leslie Jones. I remember watching Leslie in the back where she got on Saturday Night Live well I guess Rogan too Rogan was already kind of known

but like Sebastian you uh fucking Theo Theo's starting to get starting to blow up the internet knows who he is now you know Bill Burrow was always my number one

you guys are in my top five but we have the older brother thing too for you know and even with Joe Bill Burr made me like Dude, Burr's fucking phenomenal. You know what's great about Burr? Is that he's the perfect combination of writing and you know who he is. It's like a perfect storm.

But there was a night the other night at the comedy store. I had to go on earlier. This was like months ago. I think Argus opened and then it was like Spade. And then he brought up Rogan. No, no, no. Rogan brought you up. It went Burr, me, Rogan, and then you.

And the place was sold out. and I just remember watching your fucking set when you said you ate her pussy as an homage to your mom as a homage to your mom yeah because your mom told you got to eat the chochet you gotta eat the chochia

and we were in the back and the place was packed and it was like a fucking I saw everybody set obviously but my own so I stepped back I watched some of Joes went out of the room came back

it was like a fucking concert it was like nobody left and it was just like and I'm like this is this is stand up it's not a notebook on the stage with your fucking thoughts

it's not a PSA it's not looking for the claptor it was just raw real unopinionated I mean opinionated unapologetic and it was just

and I remember sitting in the back with the door guys and just sitting there going and you feel inspired that's what good comedy does it's not like if you're if you're a you don't look at somebody go I got it

be better than them it's they make me work hard they they make me want to be better does that make any sense yes no it does it does i love getting high and going to the store and sitting in the back and watching five six comics in a row and not getting up i hate when somebody says next to me i got to talk to them i fucking hate it yeah i love sitting in the dark and letting your body just wrinkle and you got that water and you're just watching and you're giggling and you're watching you and allie Wong and Ron White or DeLeah. And it's like a role. It's like a six comic role.

I got enough to sit through six. I'm not going to let nobody, which is an hour. That's an hour. I don't watch people specials. I got to be honest with you. No, no, no, no. I want to watch it live.

I want to watch it live. I watch everybody before me and then somebody who follow me or like, if you're on, Holtzman, I'll run in. You know, Sebastian, I watch, but, you know, he's my best friend. So we hang out.

I always watch him. I always watch him. I'll watch them on Tuesday nights. see what the fuck he's working. But getting back to you, okay? So you got to ask yourself, what are you trying to say? And you're not really going to figure that out yet, not four years in. I'm only six months in.

Oh, yeah, what I'm talking about? But it's, uh, you got a long time to go. I know. No, that's what I tell them that. It's just take your time. It's like having sex. The first time you have sex, you just sit there, you do missionary, you come. You're like, oh, I want to do it again, right?

You don't really get good at it until you develop your own style, your own rhythm. only through experimenting, you know? You can be the dudes, who knows. How long have you been doing comedy right now? 21 years. Okay, so when Lee, explain to him when he comes to you. And I got my master's degree at the comic story. And he tells you, like, what he went through last night.

Like, you don't even need to know the story. No, you're not to fucking know. It's the funniest thing. We've already been there. We've seen all this shit. We're like, yeah. It's so funny that we'll have discussions. and I mean, he's seen a lot.

I like how Eleanor, like what Eleanor is doing. Eleanor sat there for 15 years and watched 20 fucking careers blow up. And then she said, you know what? I could do this. I could do this. I'm going to become a comic. And now you see her on fucking Mark Marin and this.

And it's inspiring to watch. Absolutely. That's the same thing I thought with Lee. I go, Lee sat there for five years. And he watched negatives and positives. He would go on dates and go to the store with his girlfriend and watch comics and go to go to the house. hell you through the kitchen yeah he went to the kitchen you're to get a room you too they get a room

you're always here uh but it's just funny but you guys they they watch it they study it he's been watching stand-up as he was 15 he loves jumping that you know but at the same time the only way you can experience it is by experiencing oh yeah and there's nothing you could fucking see or do that come short to anything we've seen a nun well that's why i've been doing as many mics as I can because I never, because you were saying good comedy inspires you. It also it does and this sounds like because

there's a difference between bombing and bad comedy I think and sometimes when I see because I go to a ton of open mics I'll see bad stand-up and that inspired because I don't want anyone to think oh he's just getting on because Joe you know. Can I say one thing to echo that point? Okay. Good comedy can only inspire you

when you're at a certain point. Okay. When you know how it inspires you. Does that make any sense? like in other words when you're six years old and you're watching Dr. Jay play basketball or Michael Jordan or LeBron James right

you're like wow I want to play basketball and even in Little League you still don't know what it's like you're playing the game but you just want to be there it's once you get in the league and you really fully understand what you're doing and how the game is played

is when those guys you really see what makes them great. One of my favorite movies is Amadeus, right? And when Salary's listening to Mozart, he just is so frustrated because everybody's clapping, right? And they don't hear the brilliance that he hears with that trained ear.

And once that ear is trained as a comic, I can listen to somebody do a joke and the audience not respond to it and you go, that's fucking brilliant. How do they not see that? Your nuances, the shit you throw out, that are like little time bomb, moms that you'll say something that it's just naturally you right and then like i don't get sick i eat

ass i slam and that's that fucking just that resonates through through the crowd and and you're hearing it with a different ear where you're at right now you're listening to bad comedy see i don't need to do bars i got everything i got to have a fucking bar i don't need to connect with an all i've i do all that now it's it's a different thing for me watching bad comedy can inspire you which is where you're at now, right? Yeah, I mean, and I'm... But 90% of these comics are going to be awful. Well, it's weird because it's...

If we're going to go with the analogy, you just said about sports... Right. I think maybe... Because I've been with Joey for six or seven years, but six years on the podcast, I feel like maybe I was in high school. Maybe that's where... Maybe eighth grade, ninth grade. What do you mean?

If, like, if you're in the major leagues... Right. I'm like a ninth grade freshman team baseball player. I mean, six months in, I should be six months old. Right now, you're in the peewee football league right now. Just because you hang out with fucking Lou Gehrick or Babe Ruth doesn't make you fucking Dave Justice. You think high school's old?

I thought high school was young. I love, by the way, all my ancient baseball references. Just because you hang out with Thai Cobb. So I'm like a peewee who's hanging out with high schools or so? No, you're a fucking peewee football player right now. You're learning how to block. Now, this is a good thing for you. you but it also could be detrimental yeah absolutely because why told him to slow down slow to

fuck down slow down you can't you can't i told him where he was booking the room i goes not just get the fundamentals for yeah you need to do why i don't like comedy here in the beginning it makes something too much comedy where i started you don't even get a head shot you just got on stage you just got to get up just get up keep getting up here you need a head shot in boston there's no head shot what's your name Okay, you know, do 20 minutes. Don't do abortion jokes. All right. You ready?

Going to the stage. See, but how long? You're at 25, right? 27. 27. 28, July, what is it? Because you started in the almost mid-boom. I started at the end.

So the way you guys came up, because when we were at the store, it's funny, too, I was listening to Bert's podcast and some woman, some girl was saying how, like, the comedy store should give its white male. else should give their spots up to women or whatever it was some fucking crazy interview but i remember thinking four years ago they wouldn't even be talking about the comedy store no nobody was there no no five years we was just us in the back well before before you guys left after the whole carlos thing before that there was nobody was and we'd be you get a set at 11 30 in the morning in front of five people or even better yet one 15 after eddie griffin just did four hours and you got to entertain three people that you know what else makes the comments are great there's no fucking mc so if i do well

and i bring you up you got to follow that or i got to follow chapelle or i got to or i got to follow rogan rogan's got to follow burr there's nobody going hey guys you know let me do two minutes and bring up the next comic it's just fucking one after another after another and if the person bombs you got to figure out of it if they kill you got to figure out of ride the wave if it's somebody famous and half the audience gets up to get their fucking autograph you got to figure out how to fucking and and it's this little like sam tripley says it's like trying to put in this you know crack a safe and after a while you start seeing all these different scenarios and then then you're like i can fucking handle anywhere any place and that's what time anytime throw me anywhere 27 years 28 years any place i can handle

any fucking scenario you know i've done Craig colorado where the audience is 80 feet away and there's a fence So, you know, I, you know. Sebastian talks in his book when me and him had to do this fucking gig in a boxing ring and fucking Modesto. The point is, you need at least 10,000 of those. Do you guys ever see the Tom Cruise movie where, like, he kept kind of like Grand Talks Day, but he was in a war? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he kept repeating it. He kept repeating it. Repeat, I think it's called three, two, one repeat or something like that.

It was spitting all over to fun. Tom Cruise is always decent, but by the end of it, he knew every, he would, he had just mastered it, but he had to go through it each day again and again and again, and he would just learn one little thing. And yeah, I'm not, I was not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not trying to say that I'm, I know anything. I'm just saying like, I, I haven't, I've gotten to see what good, good and great comedy is. And now I'm back there. So I, I feel like I have sort of like a cheat sheet that some people don't have. Or I don't know what it is.

But I'm saying that could hinder your growth. Absolutely. So you, the cheat sheet is they got to work. That's the cheat sheet. Out of all the people that have come in here, we've all had, the only people I bring on here are hard workers. That's one thing.

I've never brought up fluff in here. I don't believe in fluff. I don't believe in smoke and mirrors. I believe in, I see people. That's my next question, because I'm the same way. I gravitate to guys like us, like you. I blue collar. I could be in a wrong.

I don't want to hear any bullshit shortcuts. I don't like shortcut people. They bother the fuck out of me. You know why? Because for years, I did shortcuts. They got me nowhere. There's no shortcuts. The other thing I had a problem with is I had a poor kid's mentality at a point where I was okay with it.

You know, I'm okay with fucking, all right, I'll go up. You know, I'll show them like that type of shit. There is a thing to when I started hanging out with people more successful than me, I saw a trait in them that they had that I didn't. And that was thinking, giving yourself value more, you know? Because again, if somebody had something, I would always back, I don't care. I don't give a fuck. I used to walk around with the generic sneakers.

I used to get them fights all the time. I remember my mom. I said, I want to, I need a pair of Nikes. My life depends on it. Then I didn't, then I didn't know somebody's going to try and rob them.

But I'm saying like, you know, I'm always fighting these kids and make, we used to call them Bobos. You know, like no name sneakers and shit. Bobos, catheads.

They were called. And, uh, if your sneakers slip and slide, take them back to Panthe pride. All that shit. Bobos, bobo's so fine. That's what it costs a dollar 99.

Yeah, like it's fucking. crazy. When you're a kid, it's everything. Anyways, get teased. But when I was around successful people, there was a mentality that they had,

like, like, you know, where they're like, this is what I deserve and I'll expect nothing less. Like for me, if a guy said to me, okay,

I stopped doing this. I used to say yes to everything. Because I'm like, when the fuck am I going to work again? I need this. Well, we're not going to put you up here. And I'm like,

fine, I don't give a fuck. I'll sleep in the car. You know what I mean? And I just found that that was attracting. Once I stopped that, I started getting better. things once i'm like you know what no i'm one of the best in the business or you know most

respected i should say amongst my peers you know granted i'm you know whatever i deserve this and if i don't get this fuck you and fuck you fuck your room and then they'd come back okay and i just realized that there was a lot of things i was saying yes to i did it i did dog i got beat up for six or seven years longer than what i should have got beat up yeah because i still i still remember asking somebody once and they told a friend of mine that Joe Diaz has got a little bit too big for his britches about 10 years ago because they played a trick on me they call me to go up there for a certain amount of money and then when I got up there I was the headliner and I was taking pictures with people and all this shit from the longest yard and I'm like and he was like man we really want to do it

again and I go this time we got up the status a little bit he goes oh no no I know what that is it's always going to stay at 200 I know exactly who the fuck that is and I said I'm not fucking doing it. I'll tell you how fair who that is. And he told somebody, he goes, I think Joe Diaz's getting a little bit too big. No, you got to ask for what you're worth for. This is what I'm doing. This is the work I do. What, two things change me doing comedy in the Middle East. And when I was giving it one night before Thanksgiving, I was able to keep the door. And I saw what I made in that one night. And I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, you realize how long they've been robbing you for. Well, yeah, but then, but it is, look, it's a symbiotic relationship. I need the venue, you

But then I started doing my own little offshoots and just keeping everything. Right. And you're like, okay. Now I can fucking live like a person. Listen, we saw Stanhope do it. Dougie's always been there. He's always been out of the game. He's always been out of.

When he told the guy in Columbus about his retarded son, remember this all started at a funny bone with him and Sean Rouse. Just caused havoc. Rest in peace. Rest in peace. They caused havoc at a funny bone. and fucking Stannell. After Sean Rouse, I insulted the dude.

Stanhope went up there and assaulted the dude again. And the dude banned Stanhope from all the funny bones. Who was? I forget the guy's name. And they tried to ban him. Then he had his ball shaved in Austin. So he was shaved from that. He was banned from that club.

Wait, he had his ball shaved on stage? Yep. He got a girl that shave his balls on stage. And then he got banned from Austin. And a couple other clubs said, we don't need that in our lives. And then he went to Ohio. or one of those clubs, somebody, not Cleveland, not Columbus. I forget what the guy's name was.

And he went to his club, and the guy had a small man complex. And he's got a kid that's got problems, like some type of physical. Well, to me, that's off limits. But Stanhope didn't give a fuck because Sean Routhing up to Hammond went off. And then something happened. The guy insulted Stanhope, and Stanhope said something to him about the kid. So the guy went after Stanhope and tried to ban me a bunch of clubs. That's crazy.

I meant more about how he started doing the bars. Yeah, well, Stanhope said, going up to Montreal and crashing him. Yeah, well, Stanhope said, you want to ban me? Okay. I'll call the club across the street from you. And I'll do a fucking 100% door deal. He was doing that 10 years. I remember going to see him in Hollywood, Rogan on fucking Hollywood and some dump.

dump and he had fucking 700 people in that dump standing up yelling throwing beer bottles and shit yeah me and rogan walked out like that was fucked up but he was fucking carrying a making cash all the way to the fucking bank it's crazy it's crazy what we've done to see but what i'm saying though where you're at now you're you guys like you you guys are finally i was saying this the other day joe rogan and chelsea handler did more for comedians than any of the late night talk shows than in in in and in and that's a true fucking state except i mean if you count chelsea as a talk show but what joe's done for people is amazing and what chelsea did for for the people on her show think about that think about all

the people that we know that were able to come off on that alley one yeah and uh josh wolf cap even though i know you guys have a beef um which i found out about that i don't want to talk about that but uh who else um but looka rogan did for for everybody man you know but this because they have the they have the stink because the comics you need a stink you need a road stink you need something to you that you look at another comic and be like okay i see the miles in your eyes this guy this this is a comic that's the other thing we don't play that male female shit at the comedy store yeah i always hear people talk that it's like i don't look at that i don't fucking

none of us don't know what the fuck they're all of our all the girls that perform there are fucking one thing I do want to stress that there's a mild misconception about podcasts is that people think because you're going Rogan your life is going to change no not at all no you

have to cover the spread you have to be able to still do the things that you do every day every fucking single day it's like when you pop this show while you were shooting the first couple episodes did you think this is going to go anywhere no you didn't I just took

You were like, this is a job. I'm a 20-year veteran. I'm just, I hope this goes well. I've been here before. I've had a lot of triples. And look. And now you're going back for a second season. Hopefully.

Yeah. Hopefully. Yeah. Whatever. Who knows? Who the fuck knows? But you do know that we get to a point to where it's, we, you come out like this, and then, then you're like this, and then you're like this, and then you're just like, you know what I mean? Just whatever it is. I know, I hope they caught that on the video, but you get, come out wide eyes.

Then you get a little angry. Then you get a little like, fuck it. And then you get normal. What a fucking journey. Oh, it's crazy. What a beautiful, beautiful. I love it. Beautiful.

If you told me in the beginning that I would be here and that I would have been at the comedy store. And that was the one thing I had at being at Mitzie's thing is looking at being a part of that history. And to me, my history is with you, Rogan, Saban, you know, when it was on the ropes. And let's be honest. I mean, we, we help bring that place back. And between Marin and Rogan always talking about on the podcast,

and people were like, let's see, let's see the fucking Zill. And you got, and you as well. And then all these people came. And this is, see, they can't control what they think comedy is. They can control what they want to put out there. But the internet allows people to see you. Because let's be honest, a lot of our comedy, if we were playing by their rules, No, no, no, Doug.

They would just keep you in the back. This person has to say this, this, this, this. We're doing the, you know, we need to push this, this, this. And now people could be like, oh, did you see so and so on? Oh, really? Let me pull this guy up for you. Look at Bill Burr fucking shit on Philadelphia. Doug, what, you know, what do you think people do from nine?

Our window used to be from eight to ten at night at night at a. No more. No more. It's all fucking. I window from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m. bitch, I got to get the fuck out of here. I'm happy that you came on. I'm happy.

I saw you a few weeks ago. I'm happy for your success. If you haven't seen Brent on fucking Cobra Kai, you're missing out. It's amazing that when I heard about it, I could lie to both you guys. I had a feeling. Really? I had a feeling because America's looking for that nostalgia. This TV is not working.

This diversity, my neighbor's gay TV, it's not working. It's not eight to 10 o'clock. There's times I'm reading my daughter a book, and I don't see the word stupid. I don't want to hear that word anymore in kids' books. I don't want to hear. I see some Disney shows that say some fucked up shit. I grew up on Family Affair. I grew up on the Waltons.

I grew up on a different American type of TV, and they've got to bring that back from eight to ten. They're going to lose it. But you said you knew because of the nostalgia thing. I had a funny feeling. See, I read it? I had a funny feeling. When I read it, at first I was nervous because you saw the fanboys online wanted to hate it.

Everyone wants to hate everything. Everything wants to hate it. But let me tell you something, a couple years ago, I did a movie with the Cobra Chi teacher and Johnny, the blonde. Yeah. Ask him, a Dean Kane movie, me, Dean Kane, and those guys. In fact, they had a karate school in the valley. So it was like a fake guy. It's crazy.

It's the dog that's. save one of those. The last one I did where I dressed up like a woman if the two guys from the karate kid around it. Not the brunette, the blonde and the teacher. Billy Zapka. Yeah, and the kid that was in Rambo. Yeah,

Cleese, John Cleese. I grew up on that movie. Sense Creece. John Creece. I grew up on that movie. The same way that you won't watch the new mechanic, I didn't see the new karate kid with Jayden Smith. It's not bad. I don't hate it. Everybody hates it. I haven't seen it. I haven't. I haven't. I liked it but it's not like it doesn't give me because there was a thing with

Daniel LaRuso's mom right and uh Randy Keller or yeah Randy Heller right and um and and when they first moved she came from Newark and uh and they were together and I always thought that was how my mom was hi boys you know are those your friends and they're like nice car miss LaRenzo you moved out here to California I hate you and all this shit but they there was all that turmoil and I had that relationship with my mom and there was always our movie. And then when I got to do scenes with her, I couldn't believe it. Brother, where can they find you? If you guys want, I release my special for free at brettcomedy.

com. You can go there. You can donate to own it. You can buy a t-shirt. You get to download for free. Or if not, just go watch it. Just go watch the fucking thing. Give me your emails.

And then go buy a ticket and say it's nice and easy. It's always a pleasure. Comedy, B-R-E-T-com. I love you guys. Thank you, thank you again, man. Bro, it's always a pleasure to see you. You're my boy, man. I'm glad we were fucking dying in the...

This is, by the way, this is a kitchen conversation we had today. This is it. This is we're getting into each other trying to fucking... This is it. But as usual, I want to thank On it. The best, the best. The best. Mexican chocolate protein powder of the new shit. Fucking delicious as fuck.

I love the Shroom Tech sport. I love the Shroom Tech of... Immune. You know, alpha brain, 100% money back guarantee. I only want the product back if you don't like it. Who does that? Who does that? Audit.

That's who does that. Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church? Bam! Get 10% off delivered right to La Cazer. You understand me? Right to your fucking crib. That's how Honit does it.

Number two, hiring is challenging. But there's one place you could go where hiring is simple, fast, and smart. A place where growing businesses connect to qualified candidates, That place is ziprecruiter.com slash church. C-H-U-R-C-H. You're like, Joey, why do I have to go to ZipRecruiter? Why? Because you want the best qualified person out there for your job. That's what you're looking for.

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within the first day. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? ZipRecruiter sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards, but they don't stop there. With results like that, it's no wonder. ZipRecruiter is the highest rating hiring site in America.

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Ready? Grab a pen. Ziprecruiter.com slash church. C-H-U-R-C-H. That's zip-recruiter.com slash church. C-H-U-R-C-H.

It's that easy. You're looking for somebody. You want the right candidate. ZipRecruiter.com slash Joey. I want to thank. Slash church. I'm sorry. They went away from me.

I want to thank my man, brother. I forgot to mention too. If you guys like my podcast, check me out on your on the list. You can subscribe at Brett Comedy, B-R-E-T-Comedy.com. And watch the special for free there. And check out Cobra Kai season two coming up. You're beautiful, brother. I love you, man.

Love you. Thank you. And I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday. Tip-top, Magoo. Have a great day. It's the second half. Grab your ball, salute the flag, bitches. We're going deep.

Kick that fucking meal, Lisa. Yeah.