The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #599 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: July 11, 2018

Kate Quigley, comedian, actress, and host of the "#DateFails" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by:  FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 07/10/18.  

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motherfuckers kick this meal league Oh shit Kay Quigley The juke the Christ Killer And your uncle Joey Let me make the world

Here we go Oh shit One by one A lot of lady One pot to Oh shit Rock and Rome Lots of brittle

Women Oh yeah You fucking nuts or what? Old school death leopard Still on the fucking road doing that thing I got the name of the song is woman It's off the hysteria album And the reason why I opened up

It is because my main woman is in the fucking studio I love you. Quigley. I missed it. Christ Quill I miss you too I was worried about you. Did you ever hook up with the guy in Charlotte? The guy in Charlotte

Oh yeah yeah we talked about setting some dates up We're just figuring out I really want to use your great club Charlotte That's dope. Yeah, he was talking about doing a few, like doing a run and hitting a few cars. Yeah, he's got South Carolina. It's a couple days. Yeah, it'd be so fun. Good, yeah. I love it out there. He wanted to get you out there. How are you? I missed you, man. Wasn't it weird? I was saying it was only like a few weeks I didn't see you, but it felt like forever. I just talked to you so much. And I take for granted that I bump into you like once or twice a week. So it felt it was weird. I was like, you're like one of my closest friends. Like I realized it when I wasn't seeing you. I was like, oh. I need like a hug from Joey. Yeah, no, it's weird. Listen, the comedy game doesn't give you a lot of friends. Not real ones.

Like, I saw Ari, and it was great. Yeah? I went with the cactus with Ari. Oh, that's cool. Wait, what's cactus? That a restaurant? Taco place. Oh, nice.

Steve Simone showed up. I go, see, this is the cactus. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. He was bad-mouthed cactus. I was like, Doug. You went to the wrong fucking cactus. Really?

Yeah, because there's three of them. Where is it? There's one of Beverly up there in the valley. There's one on Moore Park and Tohunga, and then there's one on North Vine. Oh, they're all in the Valley. No. Oh, Vine in Hollywood.

Yeah, across in the hotel. So sometimes if you're coming home from the store, just hook a fucking right on Vine, and they're open. It's cash only. I have to try it. Like Maddie Aguil is in that neighbor, a bunch of cats living that neighbor.

Yeah. They know about. So the other day, we were at coffee, and Steve Samoa was complaining about fucking... The one of Moore Park and Woodman. More Park and Woodman. So today, When he came over, Ari, I go, what do you want to eat?

And he goes, I want to eat Mexican. I go, I only go to cactus. Or, like, if it's family, I take him to the best is right up the corner here, but you can't get a table. What's that? Salcine beer. Oh, yeah. I've never been there. I love Mexican.

Mexican is my favorite. If I'm going out to eat, Mexican. The problem with salsa and beer, it's like, fucking that restaurant. And, you know, the other day, Lee and I were having coffee talking about the podcast and Simone. And I'm like, I feel like. like pastrami. Like I could get three ounces of pastrami with two pieces of bread and it's like six-weight watcher points or eight-way watch with mustard with the coastlaw. It's not bad. It's like three points for koslo. Only, wait, two pieces of bread and still under six. It's four points. Wow.

Wow. How many do you get in a day? Thirty-nine. Oh, wow. I can't believe it's that low. So two pieces of bread is four points and three ounces of pastrami lean is like four points. Something fucking outrageous. So I went to this pastrami place. It was God awful. It was God awful. And it's always been 50-50. I can't lie to you. I go there for convenience. The guys is a

gambler. But his wife is really sweet. She's 60. She's got the ass of a 30-year-old. She's Jewish, too. And she's fucking banging. Really? She's one of those dark skin Jews, one of those fucking desert Jews. Sephardic Jews. She's fucking banging. She's got an ass

of a 30-year-old. Really? And I went in there, the wife wasn't there, but the food was horrendous. It was just god awful. So there's a place downtown. If you ever want real fucking pastrami, it's called Langers. Do I strike you as someone that's looking for pastrami at wandering? Not really.

I was going to say, I don't think I've ever in my life been like, I could really go for pastrami. But it's like old, it's like, do you like Cantors? Yeah. Okay, it's Cantor's only high level with a line. Oh, I like that. get there at 20 to 12 sorry charlie it's a 30 minute wait done so you got to go 11 15 when the pastrami comes out of the oven you got to get there at five after 11 and wait to 10 minutes like a soldier just have a cup of rice chicken and rice yeah a couple chicken and rice it's three points you know you don't

die i love you i love you on the point system so much oh i love it it's so great and you look it's working it's not i gained weight because something's going on that's why i went to the doctor thing because something ain't right you did you don't well i couldn't i mean you're still so I'm trying to fucking get down at 265. How much weight did you gain back? Like three pounds. That's it. And then I lost 1.6, so it's like I'm up one and a half.

Something ain't digesting, something I'm slipping with something. Could be the expired edibles? No. You want to tell what it is? It's the greenhouse. I go to a natural fruit place to greenhouse. Yeah. It's delicious and it's really healthy.

But that stuff blended kills you. What do you mean? Love smoothies? Like asailles. Why? Too many carbs? Too many points. What do you mean?

It's hard to count. Fruit blended and fruit eating raw is two different types of fruit. That's true. So fruit eaten raw, you can eat it all day long and not gain an ounce. But fruit blended becomes something else. Oh, you know what? So when you put banana, blueberries and assailles blend it up, it becomes sugar. Yeah.

And then you put the fruit and the granola on top, even though it's super like that. Grinola. Granola is a lot of points. It's like eight points for a fucking... It's heavy. It's heavy. And I'm a big fucking compocha dude. Oh, you love kombucha. That's a lot of sugar too, though. So it says eight ounces is two points, but I'll drink 16 ounces to keep your belly good. You know, we're eating edibles and shit, expire.

You should just do apple cider vinegar instead. I heard about that. You like that? I do it. I do it. It's supposed to help keep... I'm like really into... It's weird.

I'm really into... like food and dietetics. I almost major Well, I do the green shit. Every time I go to the greenhouse, I order the fucking yeah, the whole thing. It's like, they got some great juices there. They really do. Because when I buy the juices, I actually

look to see how many, because sometimes there's one apple, sometimes there's a half apple. Like you got to look. Right? But you know what? Not to do like an ad for them, but I used to be obsessed with making smoothies and I tried all the different blenders, the Nutra Bullet. The Vitamix, for real.

is amazing. Amazing. It's amazing. Yeah, because you can put a whole apple on it. I eat the core of the seeds. When it's blended up, you can't even tell. You can't tell you're getting, I sound like I'm doing an ad for them. You get all the nutrients.

Yeah. It's like when you find out that the best part of a potato was the peel. Yeah, like I would put that. Red potato, like a friend of mine. We were talking about a restaurant. Yeah. Me and your girlfriend. What's the name?

Oh, Jessica. Oh, I love to death. Yeah, she's awesome. You know, we're talking about a restaurant in Boulder that I really came up with them. Like, it's really weird when you come up with somebody. Yeah. When I was starting to go to that restaurant, nobody really went to that restaurant. And after I started going there because of the owner,

and then we ended up in the halfway house together, his personality blew the place up. Yeah. Him being in the halfway house and the word got on the street. Like people like that, they wanted to do business with him, but they didn't. But he was such a great chef. He had such a great Italian restaurant. He had Grappa, which nobody even knew what Grappa was. Is that alcohol?

Yeah. Bro. He had shots of Grapp, but there were 15 a shot. I don't know what that is. Back in 95. Lidizio's and Boulder back then was my fucking, I was in there. My wife fucking hated it. Really?

Why did she hate it? Because I was there every minute I could be there. Oh, she hated that you were there. She didn't hate the restaurant. No, no, nobody hated it. Oh, I see. She hated you were always there. Yeah, because it was my people.

That's my type. environment. They were crazy. Ex-cons. He was an ex-con, but his wife was a reverent, is a reverend, Mrs. El. No way. Yeah, she has her own church in Boulder, outside of Boulder, and then the line cooks. Let me tell you something. There's the bakery guy there, the guy that was the baker and the Dezio's in 1991. Him and I still talk every two weeks. No way. That's the type of motherfucker I am. Joe Koch. He just sold his bagel shop from Mississippi, the whole thing. Did you work there, or you would just go and hang out after work? I love that his wife is a...

Go behind the counter and do whatever is necessary. Pick up the phone. You would help him? Hold on one second. To be nice? Kate, come here. It's for you. Joey, go back to and give me a case of beer back there.

This guy needs a case of beer. And I would eat, like, all the mistakes. Joey, you want a lasagna? Fuck you. I take a lasagna. Joey's in the back, like, fucking up the food. So there's, like, lots of mistakes. I probably gave the chef a $5 bill.

Like, hey, I'm looking for sausage and pepper tonight. Oh, no, no. And I bring them weed. And, you know, it's just a restaurant. I'm that guy that. hangs at restaurants. I love it. I hung there. I had a Chinese restaurant bowl that hung out of it, but I became French because they were gambling addicts. Were they Chinese people? They were Chinese people and I were torment them. They were Vietnamese, but they posed as Chinese same shit. It's not the

same. They were nice people. Was this the one that you scammed? I didn't scam them. I never scanned them. I was friends with them. It was really weird. I was broke. I was a good customer. And one day, I ordered food and I forgot that I had money. Like, I forgot where I put my money. I was so high. whatever the night before. And when they came to the liver, I go, listen, you're not going to believe this. I forget. And they go, just drop it off when you have it. So when I was going through my thing from 94 to 95, when I was broke, I could always call them up

and get food on the arm. And they would run a tab for me. And I would pay them like every two weeks on a Friday. I mean, it's Chinese food. How much could it have been expensive? Even if it was 60 bucks, whatever. But I would get three sodas after a Coke binge. when you're starving

when you wake up after a Coke bitch You're ravenous You want four fucking cans of Coke Let me get an order With your hot and sour soup Let me get two orders Egg rose Let me get an order of fucking

Crabang blues I have eaten the weirdest shit When I come down from Coke It's the middle of the night And I don't want to go out So I eat whatever's One night I remember All I had in my freezer

Was frozen vegetables And I had no food So I heated up a bowl Of frozen Brussels spouts Brussels sprouts Nothing on it It was like four in the morning and I was laying in bed eating them with my fingers, like out of the pool, because I was so hungry, and I didn't know how to get any food.

My neighborhood is too scary to go out after, like, one. It's definitely like total hood. You've been, I don't know if you dropped. No, I've not been in your own. My neighborhood is, like, super sketchy because they were building a target in the neighborhood three years ago. And then someone in the neighborhood said that target's too tall, it blocks my view of the Hollywood sign, which is. This neighborhood is so far from the Hollywood sign. You can't even see it from any of the buildings.

But this old dude complained. So the city looked into it, and it turned out the target is seven inches above city code. So the city made target. Stop building it. They said you either have to tear it down and start over or we have to change the laws. That was three years ago. The building is still empty. So now it's turned into like a homeless apartment complex.

it's like a thousand homeless people living in this target and it's in my neighborhood. So it went, I moved in like there's going to be a target. It's going to be awesome here. It's going to get like more expensive. And now it's turned into the slums. You can walk to that target and buy drugs. And how far are you from Hollywood? I'm like two miles from the comedy store.

I'm near like Western and Hollywood. Oh yeah. That's scary. It's so bad, Joe. There's tent villages. Was that your first place in LA? No, that's the thing. I kind of went backwards.

Like, I had way nice more places. I thought you lived in Korea Town or something like that. It's Ty Town. Same thing, right? So you live on awful Western and Sunset. Like Western and Hollywood, that area. Oh, that's crazy up there. It's so bad.

But it didn't used to be. It used to be, it was like gentrifying and then it went backwards. It went gentrified for a while. Yeah. Western Hollywood is where they used to be. a tie thing there. There still is. A little tie center like a post office mailbox thing. There still is. A little tie village. They would do massages and they had a tie place next to the restaurant. Yeah. That corner. Yeah. That whole thing that. That's a great place. That place that did the massages and everything.

Yeah. That little complex is good. But a few blocks down, it's like, I mean, seriously, it's... Walk down towards Western or away from Western. Walk down towards sunset. So it's basically like Western and Sunset, like where the Home Depot is, like that close. it turns from like nice like Starbucks to like a tent city. No joke. Like bonfires and trash cans at night. It's so bad. It's so

scared. I've never been scared. I've lived in Southside Chicago. I've never been scared. And I'm a brown belt. Like I'm tough, you know. I'm scared there now. I won't even walk at night. Do you mind if I ask you roughly what you pay for rent? Just because like it's crazy. And like you think you're living in the ghetto and then it's like, oh,

$1,500. I pay $14. a one bedroom but that's because it's rent controlled when I moved in it was 1325 for a one bedroom with parking but in my neighborhood now it's like 1800 for a one bedroom in that ghetto ass neighborhood was fucking scary when I moved here it's still scary guys and you know I've been here with talking about this podcast it wasn't I wasn't scared like San Francisco scary at night when the 85 or New York City Harlem scared no it has a different type it's different it's different because you're not expecting it it's also things get weird

it's different because it's not scary like violent scary like they're going to rob you scary it's scary because the people seem crazy that are on the street but no no Hollywood Boulevard the other night I went to Hollywood just to kill time I did not feel like doing stand-up that's not like you I had to meet our friend had to meet two people oh yeah that night I had to meet a friend about a dog and another friend. About a dog? For a script. Yeah, you had to give me a script,

so I met a friend about a dog. I had to go down there to pick up something good, so I'm going to go pick up something bad. Well, I'm there. That's code word for I got to pick something up. Okay. What are you going to do? I got to see a man about a dog.

About a dog. That's the code word. I like that. And it means, I'm not going to tell you what I'm doing. Yeah. I just got to go do something that you don't want to be involved. I thought maybe you were getting mercy of puppy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I got to see him. Even Mercy knows. Even my daughter knows. She does. When I tell I got to go see a man about a dog, she don't ask. She's five. She don't ask. She knows that what are you?

The first time, she's like, yay, I'm getting a dog. Now she's like, oh, fuck. She knows not even a stink like she's getting a dog. It's an expression. Like, even my wife, who's as straight as can be, I can tell my wife, I'm going to see a man about a dog and she knows. I'm going to either pick up a gun, weapons. I'm going to see something illegal and you can't come.

Yeah. So that's what I went to see a man. man about a dog. So when I went down there, I went to see this old dude who actually had work for me. But then my other boy called me and he goes, does your boy still need that thing? I got it from. I said, fuck it. I'll go to the bank of your money and we'll pick it up. I was going to take fucko with me. I was going to send him on the mission. And you were going to come see me. And he got scared. What happened? No, you didn't even tell me. Because this is what happens. He got scared. Because he starts with his whining. What is going on with you? You have no

idea and I even called him and said right now I'm at Joe's pizza having the best slice I ever had I was gonna bring you but I didn't want to hear no money I didn't even get an offer let's the thing because he's why he's off the bat when I tell you to be ready in five minutes don't worry where we need to go that we might have to do something first of all you might have to do something he gets scared right away he gets scared why do you get scared what's gonna happen to me I need to know I don't want to take no illegal drugs well that's a fuck well that chip is sailed by now first of all that's your best this weekend he gave me an expired

edible and expired chibichu. How can an edible expire? Because there's food stuff in it. Like was it a gummy? What was it? No, it was like a little, a tithole. It was like two years old. It was like fucking oddball. Which is chocolate, though. I'm used to that by now.

But he would call, he called me, I wish I could remember the day and I could look at my phone. He probably called me 18 times. And every time he said, I'll be there in 10 minutes. I was ready. You got me so high that I was like, I'll get more. No, I don't want to do nothing. I can't.

Why you're scared? Why are you scared of things? You also wouldn't touch my friend's butt tonight. No, first of all, I would have. If you're out there, I would love to touch your butt. He doesn't want me to tell you. He doesn't want to make a convictor of me too. There's no conviction.

Oh, my God. I'm going to get you me too. Please do something. But you say that I would have. And yeah, I'm sorry. If he calls me and tells me I got the heroin that killed Michael Jack. Like, whatever he says. Yeah.

I remember that. I get a little nervous. I'm not going to. pretend like I don't. It's not the heroin. It's the cocaine that killed that basketball player, you said. Lennbias. He does, yeah. Every person that dies. I got the weed that Anthony bought day smoke before he tied the

God. Jesus Christ, Joey. Too soon. Too soon. You think this is too soon? What about when he said it like fucking the night of? I don't know. Fuck. I mean, it's all right. Oh, God. This is the weed Kate Spade that in the bag, you know what I'm saying?

I love you. In a famous bag. How fucking crazy is that? My hometown, my buddy, John Bend, who I dearly love, is doing something. They're doing, like, People's Night Out in North America. It's August 9th. People's Night Out. What is that?

You go to the parks, and they have hot dogs, and people donate stuff. They're donating fucking Spade bags. So all these people go into this barbecue and they donate Kate Spade bags. They're popular, aren't they? Yeah, I want a Kate Spade Bag. I don't want to petting black dicks up my ass right now. Do you understand me? Like, if a black dick was walking down the street mind of his business,

I'd rather have him knock on the door than a Kate spade bag right now. It wouldn't be for you. It would be for your wife or something. No, I don't want a Kate spade bag around me right now. It's a kiss of debt. It's not the kiss of debt. Yes, they are. I don't care what they're worth.

A Kate spade bag is bad luck right now. She didn't even know the company anymore. I got to spit on myself because it's bad. It's like fucking cancer. You know what I'm saying? I've never been like a, I've never been into that. kind of shit. Like I have, I don't like to shop and I don't like to have a lot of stuff. He thinks she's mush now, like the, I don't want his money around my money.

Well, was Kate Spade really cool? Like, when was Kate Spade cool? If I tell you something, you're not going to believe this. What? I didn't know nothing about it until she killed this. How fucking crazy is that? That's how out of it I am. I don't even, I don't know nothing about nothing. I was thinking of the wrong person. I was thinking of the model, that really skinny model chick. That's not her. Kate Spade is a designer chick. See, I don't even know. I don't pay attention. the Anthony Bourdain thing I actually felt really bad

because I didn't look at the news all day until like 1 a.m. So I was like tweeting jokes all day. And then I saw someone even wrote me something about Anthony Bourdain like Rip Anthony Bordane and it didn't occur to me that he died. I don't know what I was like, what the fuck is he talking about?

He's high. I'm really bad about keeping up. I don't watch TV as well. I mean, listen, there's so much information getting thrown at you from all directions. It's not even that. Think about how much information. Yeah.

It's thrown at the human brain today. Is the human brain designed for what's going on today? You know, people getting brain tumors from cell phones. Today I had a conversation with someone at my daughter's swimming. And he's a little old-fashioned like I am. We're talking about the disadvantages of the cell phone. And what the cell phone has great advantages. Yeah.

But the disadvantage is the... The biggest... There's a lot. You know what the biggest disadvantage of the cell phone is? What do you think? Like, I laugh because you're not living. You know what?

You're so right. I don't even look... I realize... I laugh at people. Kate, I'm sorry. I'm speaking over you. I am ashamed because people always go to me. Every two weeks, I get hate mail.

And it's always that I'm telling the lie, the stories, da-da-da-da. Let me tell you something, my friend. I never I lived life like I was out there I lived when I was that's why I get mad at Lee

you know yes it was probably my fault that Lee stayed out there Monday night Friday night in Bakersfield but guess what Kate what else would he have done that night he's got to have some adventure he would have got home at 1130 with

Di Agostino put on whatever stupid shit he's watching on fucking Netflix and gone on social media and jerked off and gone to bed You know what? He didn't turn it into an adventure because he didn't want it. He sat next to an African chick and there was Mexican criminals on board, you know, whatever, on the plane, on the fucking bus. On the gray house.

How am I supposed to turn the bus into an adventure? Interview all of them on life. They turn the lights off. It's one in the morning. It's so weird how we have forgot how to live. Like half the comics, if I get down with you, like if you come over and we stay up all night talking like this show. I used to do on Greyhound. In 19, no, no, no, no, not the shit I used to do on Greyhound,

but my life on a Greyhound bus for three years. You know, Ralphie Mae, used to laugh at me. I used to be embarrassed to tell other comics that I would leave in tonight, so I would go, they would go, where are you going this week? I'm going to know a pass-up. And I go, what time is your flight? And I go, I think it's either LAX and 8 o'clock. And I would lie to other comics.

Why were you taking the bus? Because I had to save money. I was only getting $500 to feature. Yeah, yeah. You're getting $500 to feature from Tuesday through Saturday, okay? So $500. In those days, it was $80 each way on Southwest, and that's if you bought the ticket three weeks in advance.

Yeah. So that's $160 out of $500. What does that leave you with? $3.40. $3.40 to eat, food, and pay your bills. Taxes. And pay bills. Pay, yeah, no, please.

To Texas. And pay bills. So, you know, 3.40, but the Greyhound's dirty five fucking dollars to all pass at the time. It was 1750 each way. Wow. How long is that right? 11 hours out of your life. That's not the two and a half.

But what you think about it, when you're a comic, you think of 11 hours. And what does a comic pray for in his life? Solitude. Yeah. That's a solitude you need. I would go on that Greyhound bus. I'd put your phones on with a disc man. I'd have a disc man.

Ten batteries. With fucking Christine Aguiera, the first hour. Yes. And I would get a notebook, and I would stay up all night. And I would roll a joint. And every time the bus stopped, they would say, this bus is stopping for an hour. Go eat something. The food was horrible.

I mean, it was like eating puke, but at least I would smoke. And then I started learning to bring my own food on the bus. But I went you no no no you have restaurants at the station have restaurants at the stations So right now you know right now like right now if I would right now if I got a call right now Okay it's what night is it Tuesday Tuesday it's Tuesday night it's 9 o'clock right now the fucking phone rings And they say to me Joey we have a gig for you tomorrow a week that starts tomorrow night in weed California and then from there it goes to blah, blah, blah, blah, but you're working with a girl named Kate Quigley.

If I'd say to the Booker, what do I do? You know, like, what do I do? Like, I don't have a car. The Booker would go, well, Kate's going to drive. She's headlining. You're going to open up for Kate. But tell Kate where you, Kate will meet you at the first gig. Yeah.

So I would have to get myself to leave California. Yeah. So right now, I would get on the phone, call Greyhound, 1-800, whatever the number was. And there's no, by heart. Greyhound, probably. There was no fucking one eight there was no grayhound dot com back then no one eight hundred Greyhound and you had a fucking call and go hey man uh I want to go to fucking weed California and where's your destination LA downtown okay the bus leaves 11 but now you still got to

get there you know you know what the bus stop is right around here right in the valley no it's right around the corner oh that one by the language yeah that's right by the big wangs that That big train stop? No, no, no, no, no, no. Big, where no-ho diner is. Down the corner from there. Down the corner from there. It's the size of this office.

It's the size of this office, the Greyhound. I almost did that one, but I would have taken two, I would have had to wait two hours in L.A. to get the bus to make all year. It goes right there. It goes right. If you drive by there at night after the Ha-ha, you always see people standing in front of there.

No way. So what they do is they walk to No-Hodiner. So the bus will drop you off. You have a three-hour wait. Where do you go? That's why the No Ho Diners open 24 hours. Oh. Because people who take the bus go to the No Ho diner.

Yeah. But that's when you're a comic like that, it's like that Bon Jo. Have you ever seen that video by Von Jovi? Wanda Deader Alive. Yeah. When he's on the bus and the guy's playing the drums, but they show him looking out a window on the bus. Like, that was my life, guys.

No, man. You know what? I did the same thing, not with comedy. Because I've been very blessed that people like you will take me to feature. will get me a flight in a hotel room, so I'm not taking a greyhound. But I used to do, I think I told you, I used to MC events. And I used to do like promotional marketing gigs, like state fairs and stuff. And they would give us flight money and hotel money, but the gig wouldn't pay that much.

So I would save the flight money. So I would, this is actually, I forgot I even did this. I would rent like an SUV and I would park at truck stops or sometimes if there was a U-Haul truck for the gig, like if they were bringing product, I'd ask the driver if I could ride with him to the next stop and I would sleep in the back of the truck on those furniture pads. One time I was working an event for dog food at state fairs. I was like talking about dog food on a microphone to like everyone at the fair before the country singer would come on stage.

I'd have to do like 10 minutes of talking about dog food. And I would sleep in the back of that fucking budget truck with the dog food. At truck stops, and I would just lock it from the inside. Like, there was a way you could lock it and sleep in there for whole summers. This is the dream. And I would shower in the truck stop. But I would make an extra, like, $1,000, like $10.50 or something a week because I wasn't paying for hotels. Did you go to those truck stops?

It's like a fucking massage parlor. You pay, you go in there. They even have a bed. They have like a little room for like. They have movie theaters and stuff in some of them. Don't they have, like, really nice ones? Some of them are really nice. I actually like the pilot ones.

I'm not going to love. Pilot. Yeah, yeah. Pilot, pilot, pilot. Pilot truck stops. I like truck stops. Oh, my God. When I was a teenager, I would go to truck stops to write.

Like when I was a kid, I used to write music. I played guitar. I would go to truck stops in the middle of the night. This one I was like 14, 15, and sit and write and talk to the truck drivers. Like, I always liked truck stops. I always like drifters. Something about drifters. It's probably why I like you.

Because you have the soul of like a drifter because you're probably always like hiding from people. Do you ever think about being a truck driver? Like, I used to think I would love it. I'm sure it doesn't pay great. I'm sure it's not super good. But I like being by myself and all that. So, like, I could very easily see myself doing it. Listen, I have no qualms with, I have a wife and a child.

Right, yeah. You know, I would love to be able to get in a car with you and Kate and do the 24-hour drive to Houston. Listen, you've never laughed that hard in your life. We would laugh the entire ride. Lee, you would laugh the whole drive. You don't know what you would. it's like to drive with comics and that camaraderie with people that you really care for with two comics that are really cool.

Just people you mesh with. Like I was talking to Dean Delray. He was telling me that he had a gig once in Bakersfield when he first started and he had to drive up there with two comics that were miserable. And he goes, it was the worst drive in my life. They were both telling me to quit and get out of comedy now. That it's all changed. have to, you know, do all these things. But that all flips when you get the car with people that you care about.

It's hysterical. And if you're getting high and shit, like, somebody's got to be sober, you know. The driver. Somebody's got to be. That was always me. That's neat. No, that was me. I just smoke pot.

That's not sober. But the rest of you, motherfuckers. I like that you call that sober. Yeah, I'm sober. I'm just smoking dope. I'm in charge of the music. You're dwees in charge of the directions. And you're in charge of saying,

and pull over after this one because I got to pee. And sleep at truck stops. That's so fun. Oh, my God. I used to go. So this is the routing. This was the route I used to take. Josh Wolf turned me onto a website back then that you went out to the airport.

You stood online. You got to the window. It's something completely different now. It's like Jersey mics now. You ever go to LAX? I know Jersey mics. Before you go to LAX, there's a Jersey Mikes on Century Boulevard. Okay.

On the right hand side. Yeah. And there used to be a place that you went there. By the hotel. By the hotel. You went in there. You said, I want to go to New York tonight. And they'd get you a flight for a hundred bucks.

What? But they'd treat you like a Puerto Rican. They'd lose your luggage. They'd fucking put you back in the planes. Spirit Airlines. It was like somebody. You bought tickets last minute. Huh.

And I would take one of those. But how I would get back here would be by bus. So I would land in Newark. One of my friends would pick. me up. I'd go to his house, take a shower, eat, and then we'd get weed, coke, I'd party, and then the next morning, he dropped me off at Port Authority in New York City, and from there, you could get all around the world on a fucking bus. It'd be fun if you did it with your friends. It would.

And I would take a bus all the way to Buffalo, and then my friend from Miami, he was to, this is how comedy works. I had a friend in Buffalo. I had a friend in Miami who, his brother, him and his brother were waiters at the improv. Yeah. His one, both good-looking white dudes from New York, one sold Coke, heavy duty,

and the other one just snorted Coke Heavy Duty. And he ate Chinese, so I hung out with the one that snorted Coke Heavy Duty. But he dated the Puerto Rican girl. So I would start, or I would take a flight to Miami and work two weeks in Miami. And then from Miami, I would take a Amtrak to Myrtle Beach.

Damn, that's a long ride too. That was brutal. Yeah. And then from Myrtle Beach, I would go to D.C. I would do Tyson's Corner, Virginia, Bethesda, Maryland, the D.C. Improv with John X was booking in on individual nights. Oh, did you take buses to all those places? Buses. This is all by bus. But the train is so much, it's probably way more expensive.

But the train is expensive. It's almost as much as flying now. It's crazy. Amtrak is a rip ball piece. I'll tell you why. Yeah, it's 160 to get out of it That's for a chair Really? Oh, you want a seatbelt? Oh

That's $8,000 Yeah Oh, you want a blanket That's another 12 oh You don't want to sit next to a Chinese guy That's another $12 I don't think that's an option actually Oh, you want to sit on a chair that reclines

That's another $18 oh wait a second The special tonight Yeah For dinner. Have you ever been on a train? No, because the one time I was going to do it It was the same as flying And I was fuck that Here's how a train works.

You're ready? Yeah. You get to the caboose where they give you your food. It's salad, soup, two-egrole appetizer, a main dinner and dessert and free wine and coffee. So they want 30 bucks for the whole thing. You go over there and you go, listen, what if I don't want the salad, the dessert, or whatever?

Can I just get the fucking entree? No. You got to get the whole thing. Yeah. So it was just like a rip-off from me, so I never took the train again. he's talking about this trains from Boston to New York that like those trains are like yeah done that like well like what what what what what Matt Fultron did when I work

Providence he took a train right from Penn Station that's like the long island railroad type I'm not listen to him he don't know nothing but I'm not I'm track but that's the thing is like Boston to New York is that for buses too I did that 8,000 times I can't imagine being going like I even looked I even looked from L.A. to to Boston just ones on Greyhound just to see And I think it's like two, three days. On Greyhound, you look? It's like four fucking days. There's no express.

That's such a weird thing to look up. No, no, you have to stop. There is an express. There is an express. Greyhound. L.A. to Boston on a greyhound? That's so crazy, though. Four fucking days.

She's thinking like a fucking animal. Oh, that sounds like, you know who does that? Eric Myers. You know Eric Myers? Do you guys know him? The comic? He's from Florida. Kind of a scrawny dude.

Super funny. Guys, that's... He's terrified to fly. So bad. He's an addict, right? but he's sober, but if he flies, it's pushed him off the wagon before, so he's too scared,

so he'll take a fucking bus from Florida to L.A. every time back and forth. You have no idea. It's crazy. You have no idea what it's like to be on a bus. I've taken buses from Philly to New York. The longest. Yeah, two, four hours, six hours.

I remember one time I went to New York on a Sunday, and my week at hyenas in Dallas, in Dallas, started on like a fucking Thursday. and I made plans with a friend of mine. We're going to snort Coke. I'm going to do all these fucking things. And I put away all this money. In Dallas?

No, in New York. So when I got to New York, I realized I couldn't get a hold of him. He had been at a different Coke party for a night before. So here I am all day, Sunday, waiting for him. I checked into a hotel room. I dropped like $80 that I'm like, fuck. $80? I don't know what it was.

But at that time, this was like, this is feature money guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm saying that's a good deal for a hotel. The guy I was going to meet, I'm not even alive anymore. And he died in 99. So this had to be 98. I was making 400 a week down or something. And I had a week.

I found a flight out of Kennedy to Dallas, like $90, like $160 or something. But it was a tremendous flight, so I was going to wait the three days. And I'm in the city. I went into the city. I bought some coke. I had my luggage with me, like my comedy luggage. And what I did was when I landed in a porta-a-thor-you-can-put-you-all-knockers. So I put my shit in a locker.

Wow. I tried to get a hold of a friend of mine. I couldn't get a hold of them. So I did what I usually do. I took a train. I took the A-Train up town. I picked up two grams in two turuts. I picked up a couple nickel bags, a couple packs of rolling papers.

I picked up a few lighters. I took an A-train back to Times Square. I bought some CDs. And I said, you know what? I can either wait till Thursday, pay a bunch of money to stay in the hotel and blow all my money on Coke with these guys. Or I could take the graham. It was the express to Dallas. Not bad.

I mean, you know what? Sometimes when I fly, you always, everyone always asks if I sleep. I never sleep because I love, I get more work done in a six-hour flight on a plane where no one can bother me and it's completely quiet and dark than I ever do in like two days at my apartment. So if I was on a bus for three days, I'd probably write a whole script. I would get so much shit done. That's why it's not that bad. As a comedian, when you travel, you're like, when do I need to be there? Thursday.

Okay, I got two options. Yeah. I could fucking live there for two days, hand to them out and living a budget. Or just be on a bus for two days. Yeah. It kind of sucks, but it's just a day and a half. Now they have Wi-Fi on those buses, too. Yeah, they have Wi-Fi.

It's not that bad. They have buses that are pretty pent up. Like, they have the Mexican bus. That's a complete different button. What's a Mexican book? That's the Mexican people which run by Mexican companies. Like an old school bus. They have music on. They have Telemundo. That sounds fun. Yeah. Pignadas and shit. They have Telemundo. Somebody sells tamales on there. I like that. They have that. But they also have the Greyhound, you know. I, like I said, I just, I had a lot of long trips on Greyhounds. I had a couple of sexual. I cannot imagine meeting a guy on a bus.

on a bus across country, a Greyhound, and hooking up before we got to the stop. Like, I can't even imagine that happening to me, but that would be my favorite story. I had a hookup on a plane one time, a night when I had a girlfriend. No way. I got on a plane,

and I started making out with this girl on a plane. Next, you know, I'm fingering into the blank. How did that happen? I have no fucking idea. I was drunk and happened from the night before, and so was she. And she was with her friends, and she switched seats to sit next to me.

Like, I've met her at the air, Oh, you met her before you got on the flight. Yeah, like we met at the hotel at a hotel bar. I'm talking to it. I'm 21 at the time. That's amazing. I met my ex-wife at an airport. No way.

Yeah, I could meet women at an airport when I was younger. I got to start looking cute at the airport. Because the airports were parties. See, 20 years ago, flying was completely different than what it is today in America, 30 years ago. Yeah, there's no like 40-pound pit bull on your flight and seat. There was no animals. There was none of that shit. Security was very lax.

I remember having coke in a jacket one time. They told me to take my jacket off. And I remember that I had the coke in like the inside pocket. Like it was like, I had like a shirt and tie on. Yeah. And the guy was about to go in there and something made him like stop. And he goes, all right, go through. And that was it.

Why would he check your jacket? But planes were different. I feel like coins or keys. Planes were different back then. Like a red eye in the 80s. meant red eyes weren't for decent people. Shut up. Really? Red eyes were for degenerates.

You didn't turn the lights off on a fucking flight in the 80s and 90s on a fucking red eye. I wish they still have flights. How great would be if they had adult-only flights that were like R-rated? And people knew whoever was drinking. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on? Hey, you like the red, buy them a beer. Next thing I'm buying you a drink on the plane. No way.

Next you know the lady, I'm sitting next to you. She's a fucking boring fuck. So we're going to move up. Listen, you might as well move over there because we're going to talk all night. And next year there'd be three rows. You know, there's not 18 people talking. And one guy would say, you got a bump.

Yeah, let me do a bump. Shut up. And, bro, you have no fucking idea. No way. I'm at the one time being at an airport, getting delayed in Denver. This is when the last flight to Aspen was 9 o'clock and getting delayed at a Denver-stapleton airport

and then meeting a guy and the guy's like dog I got power and me and him the bars will stay open until two or three and we're at this bar just bumping

and we kept chasing bars what bars open you gotta go to terminal D's got a bar and we had the coke hidden that's the same that I had like 12 ounces of coke

because I was going to New York and pick up coke and I would bring it to Denver and then sometimes the flight would get delayed so I put at one of those lockers in the airport and the airport

that would have those lockers so I put the coke in there I'd take a gram or two out so I could bump freely at the bar with somebody I'd meet. It's so different now. And then I would go back there. Oh, my God. You could never even find a locker. I remember my flight.

One of the best flights I was ever on was to listen to me. Guys, listen to me. Lee, Lee is my friend. I love Lee. Lee gave me one of the best compliments he ever gave me. He didn't even know he gave me a backhanded compliment, but it meant the world to me. He said that all the people, he did businessmen. The only one that worked out from was a guy who went to prison

and somebody who kidnapped somebody. Everybody else fell apart. Lee knows how strong of a mind I have. When I got on the plane, July 1st, 1985, when I got on that plane, I was headed to Colorado Springs, Colorado. But because of a funny, drunk black dude on the flight that we were drinking with,

he talked me into going to Boulder. I went to Boulder. My life is the way it is today because of a drunk I met on a plane that came from row 10 to road 20 because in those days, do you know what I do to you? Like I come back there and hit you and we talk for a little while.

In those days, you could stand in the aisles with a beer. Yeah. So I could talk to you. Like, what's up, chick? What's happened? That's what I want. What's going on with you in your world looking with your fine ass and shit?

Let me buy your cocktail and shit. Is that how you talk? Oh, my God. In those days, I would meet people On planes. No way. So in those days, first class was upstairs. If you watched the movie Midnight Run,

First Class used to be upstairs. There was an airline that I went on one time that the fuck, there was a pig with an apple in its mouth. When you got on there, that's how strong. First Class used to be phenomenal. Perfumes, hand creams in first class, in the bathrooms. Yeah, flying has changed dramatically.

But what changed the most was the party aspect. of the flight. You know how many fucking flights I got on with 12 people were doing blow and drinking? Shut up. And you're in the middle of the plane. People moving their hands and shit. Fucking people giving cocktail weight. What are those doing? This is $20?

Yeah. Keep bringing the fucking lockers. Everybody was in on it. No way. Come on. Could you imagine being like you said you let's up what you'd want? Kay, could you imagine though? You have no idea how much to fly. Flying used to be a party. That would be so fun if they did that. Now they should have adult only

You can't fucking party no more. I was on a plane two years ago. Let's be honest. Let's be honest. I'll be honest with you people. These people were being loud, but they weren't bothering everybody. It was six people who were just going to a bachelor party. Okay.

You know what that's like nine college friends who were going to a basketball? Yeah, they're in a great mood. Who are now 29. Yeah. Five are married. Four of them have kids. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

They're out to party. got together and they were sitting behind me on a plane on a southwest flight from Burbank to Vegas. Oh, short 20 minutes. And the cocktail's at. And the fucking pilot came back there and said, before we take off, I just want to let you guys know that there's not going to be any. And the guy goes, come on, get him the plane and give us a cocktail. The pilot turned around.

And three minutes later, he came back with three police guys. No. And next thing you know, fucking they opened up the back door. and four cops got in the back. And they said, who said that to the pilot? They made the guy embarrassed, raise his hand. And they said, this is what we're going to do. You got two options.

You get off the plane right now, and we'll be book you tomorrow morning. Or you could take, because the kids were like, we know our rights, and they started taking the cameras out. And they're like, we know our rights. And the cops said, or we'll close the plane. You could take the flight.

But when you'd take it, Touchdown in Vegas. Vegas PD will be waiting for you. And you're going to get arrested. And guess what else? You're not going to see the judge till Monday. What? Just you're asking for a cocktail from the pilot?

Tell him the pilot to go on the back and fly the plane and get me a cocktail. That was a joke. And then 20 years ago, the pilot would have giggled and said, I see you guys are going to party. All right. I'll see you in Vegas. The pilot went and came back with three fucking cops, and they packed the fucking plane.

The cops came on there with riot gear dogs. and the cop came out and then that's exactly what he told him the set nine people got up and got off the plane that's exactly I get taped it and everything I thought I was going to see the eye witness news cop told them the truth how long ago is that maybe maybe a year ago

on a Thursday night flight was it the one that got delayed or something yes the last time I went to the south point like this week I met the south point no way it was a year ago July 8th last year to Vegas come on of course they're going to be like They have a TV show about it. Yeah.

They don't play. They don't play. I get nervous to even tweet jokes about flights when I'm on the plane. I remember getting on a plane one time when you had to walk outside first. Yeah. And I was doing coke. It was Sunday. And I started doing coke on Friday.

And it was the wintertime. Everybody had a jacket on it. I had a thermal t-shirt on. Steve was coming out of my body as I was getting on the plane. The stewardess was like, are you okay? I'm fine. And I'm coked up to the gills. And I'm going.

The plane hasn't even taken off. and I'm blasting. I'm getting up every 10 to blast. People putting their luggage away. I'm blasting. I had gotten up 20 times before the plane even took off. No. And then the plane started getting packed and people started sitting next to me.

And I couldn't get up any more. And I started putting the thing down. I put the blanket on my head. I do a bump and then take the blanket off. Shut up. Oh, my God. You're crazy. I was the biggest Coke fiend.

This is right before I got. Holy shit. This is 1980. People knew what you were doing, right? Listen, I would go to the bathroom, pull my pants down, and make believe I was shitting, and I would hide. Like, I wouldn't let the mirror see my head, because I thought there was a camera, a two-way camera. Shut up. No.

I swear to God, dog, you know me. I wonder if there is a camera on the table. Yeah, you got to think twice, and I would do little bumps of coke, and I would jerk off a little bit on the plane, and then I would wipe my ass, like fake it, like I was taking a shit, and I would wipe my ass with a camera, we'd think. I was white because when you're paranoid, your mind tells you this shit. And one time that same flight I got up and when I walked out, I left the toilet paper in my pants and it dragged it into the fucking hallway and somebody had it stopped me and go, you got toilet paper. Ew, no.

I was disgusting. I never thought about cameras in there. Kate, you have no one. I've taken, like, caught photos in there before. I know you have. I was on a plane one time with you and I was going to go back there and say, Kate, take a picture you, pussy. Shut up.

What the fuck? I'm sitting up here and mint by myself. I can bang one out. Shut up. That's what mint is for. That's what mint is for. Oh my God.

I banged one out on planes before. Jesus, I have to. In first class? Oh, I rub one out like a savage. I've done it in the bathroom. I was going to say that. That means he didn't do it in the bathroom. Oh, I don't go to the bathroom.

I don't go to the jerk. Well, I pay a lot of money for that plane ticket. Well, you're in like a little booth. No one can see you. Yeah. And you do a cappuccino style? I saw a guy jerking off in front of the 7-11. under a blanket, but it was so obvious what he was doing

because you could see the blanket moving up and down, and I pulled in. Just last week, I pulled in, and it was so awkward because I was looking right at him, and he was looking right at me. Like we were making total eye contact. You didn't show him a little tit? You didn't give him a little tip?

The fuck kind of Christian are you? And pop a tit on that situation. No, I was so freaked out. I left. I couldn't get out of the car. I stared at him for a minute. And I was like, I can't walk by this guy. I was too embarrassed.

Could you really do it? cappuccino style, like, quickly enough so no one would see? Oh, on a plane? Oh, fuck. You make believe him asleep and keep my head like this to look for the stewardess. You're insane. And at the end, you come in your hand. And you just keep it there like a little gurgle.

And then you get one of those little napkins. You wipe around your helmet. You slip it back in your pants. And for a minute until you have that cumming, like your palm in your hand, it starts to like, what is the homologize? It starts to get, you know, whatever fuck. Homonogized.

Sure. We'll just go with that. We'll go with that one. You take it with a fucking a napkin or you wash your hands. How is it possible? I was telling you before the podcast

that I did a podcast the other day. And it was with a mom and her son called like sex talk with mom or something. And they watched a few episodes of us together. And they were saying,

she said, I saw Joey talking about anal and how he doesn't like anal because he doesn't like if he gets poop on his dick. And she was like, is he vanilla? when it comes to sex, he seems a little vanilla.

And I was like, I don't think so. Last night you was telling me about when he came on a spoon and fed it to a chick somewhere. I was like, I wouldn't call that vanilla. Why did you feed your come to a woman? How did that happen? You told me you jerked off into a spoon and fed it to her. We were coked up.

It was a form of imagination. But how did you, why did you? She was such a dirty animal. Think of a spoon. Were you in the kitchen? I was just looking at it like, what can I do to her? That would be different that anybody else did.

I want her to remember me for the rest of my life. She can't forget it. And I went over there with a spoon. And I started jerseling off into the spoon. Like, you know, she sucked my dick. She didn't even ask me, why do you have a spoon in your head? She thought like it was like a two and the floor. You know what the whole time?

Like, I just looked at, I thought about it. I thought about it. I went over, and you put your dick in their mouth. They're sucking your dick on the Coke. And then when I came, I squirted it some on the face, but I squirted her some on the spoon. and she just looked at me. Like she thought I was going to drink it.

No. Have you ever tasted it? Once or twice. Yes. Not like a whole gallon, but just to taste it. To make sure it tastes okay? Not to stick that. No, just to see what the fuck come in when you're like 12.

I'm so proud of you. Yeah, it was like 12 with 13. You can never say anything about hummus ever again. How dare you? Like you taste. I would smell it. I never tasted it. Like a little finger.

When you're 13, every guy has tasted. Really? How do they don't? You never did. Every fucking. I guarantee if you do an honest... It's hitting me in the face before. If I'm doing an honest survey with men,

82% of men have tasted their own come when they were 12, 13, the first. One to two times, three times they came. You should taste it. Why? To make sure to... They taste yourself? Yeah. Of course.

I don't taste it to see how it... I taste it to test it to see... I don't give a fuck how it tests. That's your job. You put up with this fucking crazy glue that's coming out of my dick. I'm going to worry about it. what it tastes like like I'm a manufacturer of cola I don't think of a fuck

I'm a manufacturer of sperm you should care it comes out you drink it end the story that's really bad who gives a fuck you can control it no no you can yes you can by doing what you change your diet no I don't listen listen let me tell you I'm telling you when you look at a dick it's disgusting and what comes out of a man's dick

is even more disgusting only one person could drink that shit And it's you lunatics. Nobody else could drink that shit. That is disgusting. Disgust. And I've had women who have looked me in the face. And so I could drink gowns of it.

Oh, really? Like, I've had women. I wouldn't drink gout. I drink it to be nice. Like, it's a right thing to do. I think it's at once. I think they just drink it. You go like, ah. Yeah, I play it up, you know, make you feel good about it.

Yeah, you're a real. But I don't know if I would drink it off a spoon, to be honest. If you're coked up with me for 48 hours, listen, I'll, I'll, take it and fucking blow it into your ass with a flute at that point. I'm a fucking savage. You're like, what are you playing Indian music for? This ain't Indian music. Don't you feel that Coke going up your asshole?

No, my God. Because I'm crazy. Oh, my God. That cocaine shit used to make me fucking crazy. It's weird, though, with me with Coke, honestly, because if it's a few bumps, it makes me way hornier and I'll do anything. It does Coke. Every idea you have on Coke is the best idea you've ever had, no matter what.

but there is some point where I get too high and I don't want to fuck. If I do too much, it makes me like... Well, it creeps you to fuck out. It does get you creeped out. I've had... Yeah, and it makes your mouth dry. It's hard to suck a dick with a dry mouth and I need a lot of water. And then it's like, if the sex is really good, I'm like breathing hard and then I keep getting thirsty.

Like, one guy one time was so good. And I kept on being like, wait, I need a drink. And he was like, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, you're just so good. And I think I scared him. There's going to be guys of giving you two bumps at all your shows. No, just looking. It's great.

Because I had a way, way. When I first started doing cocaine, the sex was tremendous. The sex was from, for me, from 84, like 80, no, from 84 to 95 and 96, the sex on cocaine was something with the right crazy girl. Yeah. It was perfect. The girl, we used to rule for each other. in Boulder like that one. She was crazy. That was great.

And I was friends with her mom. And I'd have to face her mom the next day. And her mom would go, said, did you guys have a good time last night? She didn't know we were having sex. She thought we were just friends. She didn't know that her daughter was a fucking animal. Of the top degree. That's what I'm talking about.

Who I put the Coke on the spoon that time. And she drank it like it was fucking emulsive of God. It was tremendous. But at that time, I wasn't getting hard on Z either, Kate. What do you mean? Because you're too high. After three in the morning, there's nothing there. That's why I...

It just shrinks. Sometimes that you can get a lot. But I become evil. I become evil to you. I start fingering you with four fingers whipping you. All this shit you like choking you, slapping you with balls, making you suck balls, making your tongue my asshole while you play with yourself.

Then I just say play with yourself and I'll sit there and watch it. Play with yourself and I'll give you rocks or coke like that scene. The one with Jack Nick. And what's that movie he did where he plays Whitey Bulger? When he's getting high with the two chicks and he goes, Black Mass. And he goes, no. Oh, wait, the departed?

The departed? The departed. Oh, yeah. When he's doing Coke with him, he throws the Coke at him. Like, that's how crazy I used to get. I like all that craziness. That's when you get a girl to fucking, you know, suck her own pussy. I can get you to eat her.

That's my thing was you to eat her. well I fucked you from behind so while you're eating her I'm fucking you from behind that is a package that's like my life dream and then I would switch places oh I would switch places and I would have the one six turn with me and I'd finger the other one's ass oh I was crazy though I was crazy after 95 crazy and then I met the stripper and then she out crazy me she's doing that taught me about smacking and choking and fucking throwing her across the room and calling her a fucking animal and choking her and dragging her across the floor and pulling her she wanted me to pull it by her hair across the floor one time like a fucking caveman like that's hot that's what turned her on

and then i did the Korean girl in boulder that the only way you could have sex with her is by her ripping the outfits off her outfit or yours you had to rip her outfit off that is really hot too though I'm talking about if she's Like rip it apart. She has to leave in your clothes. Like she has to leave in like sweat, sick pants. That's hot. I think I do that. She had a gay brother.

She had a gay brother and she would come in. I'd be walking with her and she'd look at us and she'd go, rough night last night. I would rip her clothes off, everything, underwear, socks, pants. She wanted you to rip her clothes apart. And I would leave her panties on throughout this whole thing. I would eat her pussy with the panties on. Guys love that.

And then I would rip her fucking panties off. But then she'd try. charge me 40 for a bra one time because the bra was a good bra. That's hilarious. And I was pissed as a motherfucker, a 42 for a bra. Are you kidding me? They're expensive. You better start getting those three for $10 because Papa's coming home for Thanksgiving.

That's how it is with me with that guy. Yeah, a lot of people like when you rip their clothes off, it's different. And that's the adventures of life, guys. That's not being a me too. This is what happens when you choose a life of, Debuttery. No, what did you call us before? Us?

What you call, you call us a name, Gryfters. Drifters. This is what we do as comedians. There's 15 to 18% of us that are Gryfters. There's some gene you have inside of you that makes you want to travel. It's like a gypsy gene. See, I found out something about you tonight. Like, you've always been an entertainer.

Yeah. At 14, but you've also always flirted on. the line of I can get raped to you at a truck station. Like what? I always like danger, a little risk.

Always. I used to hitchhike when I was really young too. Like, I just like always, I think it's because I always like doing what people said I couldn't do. You know,

so whatever it was, don't hitchhike, don't hang out at truck stops, don't smoke, don't do, I always wanted to. You look back at it now and go, Jesus fucking Christ.

It's crazy. Did you meet creepy people? Yes. Yeah. But I also met really cool, amazing people. And I think I learned that there's, There's a lot more good people than bad people.

Like, in my experience, I met a lot of people that have really cool stories. Like, I remember meeting, I hitchhiked. I forgot about this in Ohio. I took a, no, I picked up the hitchhiker. I picked up the hitchhiker. I was 16. I picked this guy up. He was a Rastafarian, black dude.

He's from Jamaica. I don't know why he was in Ohio, but it was raining, it was storming, and I felt bad for him. So I gave him a ride. It was the first time I ever smoked weed was with that dude in my car. car in my little Ford escort. He was like, you got to try it. It's medicinal. It make you feel good. He was telling me how they don't believe in modern medicine.

And then it was the first time also I ever heard Bob Marley. He played Bob Marley for me. I totally forgot about that. And then I dropped him off. And that was it. It was totally safe and cool. No sexual, nothing. Nothing.

Now, when you were 14 going to the truck stops, what was the scariest thing that happened to you with a guy there? Honestly, nothing's scary. me. I never remember being, but I was so unaware, and I wasn't cute. I was never cute until I was like 25. So it wasn't like guys were looking at me. I looked like a boy. Yeah, let me tell you some. I can get people to pay me $80 for lead to suck their dick of the truck stop. You understand me? They're not looking for looks at the truck stop. They're looking for meth and a set of lips. That's it. I was always there with like a couple other older kids. Okay,

you know. I was never by myself. No, because I was 14, but I hung out with like kids that were 17. back then so they would drive and we would go there and we'd sit no okay that makes a big difference yeah thinking like i'm seeing a young girl not already 14 into and you know in a world of you know what type of guy that's a man could really look at a 14 year old it's gross i've never looked at a 14 fucking year old i'm an animal that's disgusting when you look at a young girl and go wow especially back then when you could really like really tell that they were 14 yeah it's a little different now. Sometimes I see guys that I think must be like 30 and they're like 21. Like I can't tell the difference anymore. Sometimes they're really young, you know, like even girls. You can't tell

anymore. They all know how to do makeup and like girls out here get like their boobs dumb and they're 18 and I don't know. It's different now, I think. Plus they have sex younger. I was talking to some kid the other day who was like 15. He's like, I lost my virginity when I was 12. Like it's crazy to me. I was 19. How old were you the first time you had sex? because it was crazy I had different things happen like I had like fake cousins that you played house with

that you would like hook up with make out with? I don't even know what I did with them fake cousins what do you mean fake cousins like your mom and another girl went to high school together they considered themselves sisters

oh I see and then you had kids and they have kids so as you guys were growing up you guys were considered cousins Yeah. They prayed that you married their son, you know, when you were both four. They would go, oh, my God, someday they're going to be married, but that never happens. That's hilarious.

But sometimes when you're at that age, you play house with your cousins. So I remember I had my mom was partners of the dry cleaners, and they had a girl named Evie, and she was really cute, and she was a little older than me. And that was the first time I ever saw like a hairy pussy. Like, I didn't have hair, and she did. And on Friday nights, we were allowed to watch TV till late in the living room. And she was the first girl like that told me, like, well, look at this. And she showed it to me and showing me a pussy and, you know, the whole thing.

And I was like, and I can't tell you what I did with her. I'd love to tell you that I fucked her. I don't remember that because I was such a Catholic then. Yeah. Like, it took me a long time to accept a blowjob. It took me a long time to, like, even though I'm so, I always, I remember even at very young, I was boy crazy and I was always like, I was always really horny, always. But I was raised very Christian, like, don't do it till you're married. And so even now, as much of a freak as I am, it's still hard for me to just have a hookup with like a random. Like it happens occasionally if I'm like fucked up partying. But even now, as open-minded as I am to like threesome's and I like to, like, threesome. And I like to fucking alleys and like crazy shit, but I'm super picky still. Like I don't hook up a ton. Although I totally forgot this just happened. This is crazy. So, you know, I was a virgin when I got married.

And right after my marriage, the first guy I dated was the only real boyfriend I've had since. We pretty much lived together, more or less, for a year. This super hot, like model type guy. I haven't. We dated for about a year. He was too young. He didn't really want a relationship. I thought he was cheating. I shouldn't have been in one.

I was still getting divorced. So it didn't work. We would fight a lot. And back then I was so much more jealous. Now I'm so chill. Back then I would get pissed if he was like out with a girl that he was friends with, anything. So we broke up. I haven't seen him in four, four and a half years or something.

He showed up in L.A. the other day. I didn't know that he was even here. And he messaged me like, hey, I'm in town. We should get a drink. Catch up. So I went and had a drink with them. It was so surreal. Because first of all, at the time, he was the first guy. My sex with my ex, I told you before, it wasn't right. Like we shouldn't have been really fucking, right? So this guy was the first guy ever really felt like I had hot sex with, but he was in some ways the first guy I ever really, like, had any kind of crazy sex with at all. Like, he was the first guy that I, like, fucked in a bar, the first guy that, like, he would pick me up when I would fly in. He would pick me up at LAX.

And, like, I would literally be so hot to fuck him by the time I got to luggage. I would be, like, dripping, literally dripping. Like, one time I remember, I didn't have underwear on. I was, like, dripping and I would make him eat my pussy in the car on the way home because I couldn't wait. So I hadn't seen him. So now I see him. It's so weird because I don't feel any of that attraction. He's still hot, but I didn't want him. And we hung out.

We ended up going back to my place and just talking until like 4 a.m. About the whole thing. And he kind of was like, I think you were the one and I fucked up. And I was like, I don't think so. I don't think it was right. And he was like, I miss you. And I was just like, well, thanks. I didn't know what to say.

And then he started kissing me. And I didn't know what to do because he's really sweet and nice, but I wasn't feeling it. But I tried to go with it to see if it would come back. And I started getting turned on, but I didn't want to fuck him. So I let him just go down on me. So he starts going down on me. And I'm like, wait, just so you know, I'm not going to fuck you.

I'm not going to touch your dick. So if you don't, you know, if you're going to be too turned on, you should stop. He's like, that's cool. So he goes down on me, dude, I don't know what happened since we broke up. Because I don't remember him eating pussy like that or maybe I wasn't as sexual. But oh my God, it was like the best I've ever had. It was so good. I started reevaluating my whole life and thinking in my head like, could I maybe date him

again should I move him to LA like it was that good and he did it for so long so long like hours and then he kept being like you sure you don't want to fuck right and I was like yeah no don't want to fuck even though I really really did but I just felt like since I said I wouldn't I had to stick to it so I didn't so I finally kicked him out at like 5 a.m. I didn't even let him spend the night because I was like if you stay we're going to fuck you got to go and I had to get up at like eight so I kicked him out so he left. Then the next night, I ran into my other ex, who I also haven't fucked in a really, really long time,

who was the best sex of my life. And I was so horny from the night before from letting O.G. go down on me all night. Even though I can't stand this other ex, when I saw him, everything in me was like, you have to fuck him. So I ended up going home with him, and I think it was the best sex of my life.

I was telling you at the Ice House, I've never had this before It was so weird OG must be pissed If he hears this He'd be like I said like So OG twisted the cap all night And you're bump into the X

And next thing you know He's banging you the fucking muffler Unbelievable But the problem is He wasn't in the muffler Joey But the problem is OG number one doesn't live here And two

OG was like a real relationship That like it was very hard to get over Like I really really had a hard time This other ex is one Like the girl you were talking about that like we have hooked up on and off for like five years like pretty much since that dude but we can't date because he's crazy jealous to the point of like if you like my photo on Instagram he'll call me and be like you fucking Joey Diaz now you fucking Lisa like every guy

so we could never date because even if I'm with him and I look at my phone he's like who you texting who you are you so but the sex I mean it's fucking like it's fucking like it's so good when I masturbate. He's the only guy I think about still after all these years. We fucked on a trampoline. I mean, but here's the thing. That night, it's never happened to me before. It was like he didn't even have to touch me. If we were inches apart, I could feel, I could feel him without him touching me. Chemistry is real, guys. Dude. Chemistry is real. So real. People do not believe in chemistry. I, no, it's so real. I had a dear friend for years. That I knew it. I knew why we were friends.

The chemistry? The chemistry. I knew it. And I knew it was just, and we were friends for 12 years. Yeah, but did you ever hook up? Oh, yeah, one night. My dick busted because. Just once? Yeah, that's it.

That's all we needed. Interesting. The chemistry was so strong between us, and you'll see that in life you're going to meet women that you think or guys, that they're the perfect package. that's happened to me They have a job Yeah

They're responsible But no chemistry Ain't that gee And the opposite Like I've hooked up with guys You know some of guys I've hooked up with Aren't that good looking But there's chemistry

Like so for some reason Something about you Something about them You feel something Something There's people who are perfect for you Like your mother loves him He's in law school

He got all A's He was a quarterback And no chemistry But you're like This motherfucker It's a sleeping pill I mean I've gone out with guys that are so perfect that I've tried to make them work and there's just no chemistry,

but they're boring, they're vanilla. Am I blocking his camera? No, you're good. Okay. But then there's like, the other thing, though, is I've read and I kind of am starting to believe this, that if you feel that with someone, some theories are that that means they're toxic for you because they fill something in you that you need on a base level, which means you need them too much.

Listen, think about something. You can write this down if you need to. the people you've had the best sex with. The most toxic. Other people you're the most toxic. Always. They take the most energy from you so you can't move forward. Yep.

You know, they always, there's a, this, one of the Wayans brothers, Damon, the one that's on lethal weapon, the older one years ago, he used to always go, how come crazy bitches always have the best pussy? At the time, I was dating a crazy bitch. And I had never experienced what I had experience with this woman. People always go, well, Joe Rogan always. I was really terrible when I moved to LA.

But when I stopped dating that girl, my comedy blew up. Oh, my God. Because she sucked the energy out of you. Madonna fucked Guy Ritchie over. Guy Ritchie's got no talent left because Madonna sucked his dick to all the talent left. Have you seen that movie with the guy from the sons of anarchy? It's so bad. I watch it every time it's on HBO.

It's a joke, guys. So why to keep watching it? Because I love the guy from South Atlantic. My point is that sometimes there's somebody who's perfect for you. They fill every gap except the gap. It's true. The gap. I haven't found it ever that someone, the sex is super duper hot,

and also they're actually good for me. It's never happened to me in my life, ever. But it's interesting you said that, what you just said, because I swear to God, I said it to Jessica, my friend earlier today, I said since the last guy dated and not just him, but right around the time stuff went down and I stopped seeing that guy. Also, I just cut a lot of people out that I felt like were kind of a little toxic friends. Absolutely.

Anyone that was dragging me down, I tightened up my circle, right? I swear to God, Joey, and you've seen it, I've told you, in the last like three months, everything has started to come together with my career and I'm so much more creative, productive, like I'm producing more shit, I'm writing more. And I know that's why, because I finally just have this little tight circle of awesome people. And also, I don't give a fuck. Even though I hooked up with the dudes, I don't care. Like, I'm not trying to date anybody.

I'm just trying to focus on, like, my friends in my career and me. For the first time, I've never in my life put me first, ever, ever. I've always put, like, my friends first, the guy first. And for once, I'm being like, yeah, I don't really want to do that. I'm just going to do what I want. You're a stand-up comic, which means you're on stage by yourself with a microphone. Yeah. Let me give some shoutouts.

Real quick, Shari Robeck, Greg Reed, Dominico Salas, Ross Verastro, Cash Donovan, Jennifer Perez, Pilot Velda, Letitia Keaton, and my man up there at a true BJJJ, Matt motherfucking Baker up there in Baker's, feel running things. We had an extra show on Thursday night in Salt Lake City. Oh yeah? 8 o'clock show we had to add an extra show on Thursday night. And don't forget, Kansas City, August 9th to the 11th, myself and Dean Dell, motherfucking rizzy, bitches. So it's going to be a hell of a fucking show.

I got to ask you something. You said something very interesting that I just want to see what your take is on it. I don't know if this is a selfish thing or if this is something you need to do. Like, there's an agent in the business. And I was friends with this guy. And I swear to God, one day I looked at his number and I'm like, I'm never going to call this motherfucker again.

And here we are, seven years later. You know, he was a guy that got me independent work and I paid him 10% whenever he got me. Well, he was your agent. Yeah, he was like an agent, you know. And somebody came to me about a year ago and said, hey, man, I bumped into him. What's his name?

He said, you stop talking to him. are you mad at them and I go no no no and something else happened and then I pulled him aside I go bro you ever have somebody you have to stop talking to because it's not getting anywhere anymore and he goes that happened to me recently

is that something selfish that we do is it correct to do like is this the way you were raised Lee or you were raised to do something like this it's weird because it is different here I think because like I want to through something recently super similar. I had to basically break up with one of my best girlfriends

because just over time, I realized that it was becoming, that relationship was becoming more work to sustain than it was good for me. And it was more like I was putting as much energy into that as I was into my career. And I think though, everywhere else, like when I live in Ohio, Chicago, anyone you met was kind of an acquaintance, they were a friend. Everyone was kind of, there was no real, big difference because you didn't meet as many people. You didn't network. It wasn't this industry, L.A. is all about meeting as many people as you can and learning what they do and who they are. And everyone's like, how can this person help me and what can they do for me? And so all the relationships, as much as you want them to be just based on friendship, there's always a slant

to almost any relationship here. So when I first got out here, I remember thinking, I swear to God, I remember thinking, man, everybody I know who's really successful in this business is so fucking selfish. All they care about is themselves. They don't do anything back for anybody else. And I used to think that was like an asshole quality. But now that I'm getting to a point where I'm getting super busy, it's so crazy you brought this up. I've been struggling with it. I've been having to really ask myself, like, what is it worth to make it in this business? because it does get so busy, especially you're past it, but the point where I'm at right now is like the top of the middle,

like the hardest part of the grind. I was there. Yeah, because I was there too. You were in limbo. I know. I know. You're in a limbo. Well, I'm just, I'm so busy.

You're featuring, and your headlining? It's not even that. It's just that I'm so busy right now, but I don't have quite the full team yet to help handle it all. You're stuck in limbo. You're in a limbo. It's a weird limbo. Yeah.

But the thing is that only the people, people above me like you know what that's like. So my friends and the people kind of on my level or who haven't quite got there yet, just think I'm blowing them off. I'm being selfish. So it's finally hit me. Those people I thought were selfish were just right here where I am. Now I'm here so I get it. But I didn't get it until I was here. Like lately, you can see it on my social media. I'm barely even posting because I've been so fucking busy. I can't even look at my phone. And when I do, I got to answer 40 messages from like work shit before I. I can get to writing a joke or texting a friend back.

So, of course, all my friends are going to be like, she doesn't give a fuck about me. She doesn't answer me unless it's an emergency. But it's not. It's just, I have to choose. Do I want to make it or do I want to have a million friends? Because at some point, I feel like you have to pick. And that's probably why it's the loneliest at the top because you lose people on the way up that don't get it. Over the last three years, I stopped talking to.

20 people. Yeah. That I didn't have to stop talking to them. I had to move forward. That's it. Because... Do you actively not talk to them or do you guys just drift apart? Is there a difference?

There's a little bit of both. Yeah. There's a little bit of both. There's a little bit of both. It's a little bit of both. And sometimes you know... Listen, people drift. If they weren't really your friends, they drift.

That's just the way life is. It's the truth. And this town... People show up as your friends, but they have a mitigating circumstance. They want something from you. And you get to see these people. You get to be around them. You get to see them.

And when they don't get what they want, then you see how they change camps. And you see how quick it is to get their respect. And you're like, wow, they're doing all this when all they have to do is work. That was really hard for me, though, because, like coming here. Maybe it's because I'm from the Midwest or the way I was brought up, but like that was really hard. That was a thing I had to learn the last year really was like I saw a lot of people. I kind of like let them go to see what would happen if I couldn't give them anything. And I just saw so many people flip and I was like, wow, it's just I never.

I wasn't raised like this either. Yeah. I wasn't raised to be like this either. Today, yesterday, their friend called. And we have, you know, she was in San Francisco. She used to live here. She came here to be a manager. But you know what happens here. And good lady, you know, she tried to help me. She was hard.

She had no heart, you know. It wasn't what she wanted to do. And she moved on, but we were still friends. I know her husband, you know. And she called me to say hello. And she was with somebody who one morning, I had to stop being this person's friend. After 10 years, there's a comic that it just wasn't going anywhere as a comic.

Every conversation was negative and every conversation was negative in my direction because I was doing things she wasn't doing. Yeah. You know, she was mad at me. And to be honest with you, she was such a dear friend that before this whole podcast thing started, she called me one day and she goes, have you heard about a podcast? This is before I even met Lee. And I go, yeah.

And she goes, I like to do them. Would you like to do them with me? And I go, I would love to do it with you because she's crazy. And I go, when do you know how to do it? And she goes, well, my friend taught me how to tape and I could do it. And I go, okay, when do you want to do it? She goes, would you come down here tomorrow? I go, okay.

And I called her three days in the row. I go, she never called me back. And I go, this is the same person I've always known. So I did the podcast with Felicia, like six months later. and then she kind of said something to me one day. That was kind of weird. Like you left me in the lurch. And you know when you want to yell at somebody and you go,

I'm not even going to fucking go there. Yes. And then me and Lee did something and she lived around the corner and she showed up at one of our events kind of drunk. And she started a fight with a gay guy in the back room. Oh, my God. And then another time she showed up at my house and caused controversy. That's bad too.

and someone's embarrassing, makes you look bad, that too. And this was going on for years, and I tolerated it because of our friendship. But now that we're in this type of league and all this stuff is going on, she called me one night, and she was like, I'm at the comedy store and they won't let me in.

Who do these fucking people think they are? And I go, can I ask you a question? He goes, what? I go, who the fuck do you think you are? Yeah, why would they just let you in? I go, you don't even do comedy no more. She goes, yeah, but I'm down here to, to this. I go, listen, that's not the way it works. I was at home. I go, there's nothing I can do for you.

Yeah, you're not even there. And she, like, told me off on the phone. Like, go fuck yourself. And then one morning, I was having no surgery. No big deal. I'm going to go on there at 9 in the morning, and I'll be home by lunchtime, right? Like, I hadn't heard from her in like eight months. And right before I'm going to surgery, my phone was blowing up in surgery. Even the nurse says, do you want to check what that is? It could be an emergency, and it's her. And she's like, I just read on Twitter, you're having surgery. I'll never forget this. She goes, oh, my God, why am I the last to know?

And I go, because you never called me back to do that fucking podcast, you fucking dummy. I go, do me a favor. Go fuck yourself. You're going to call me and make me feel bad because she was like a fake friend all those years. So to make a long story short, like that was it. Like, that was the last time I spoke to her. And yet today or yesterday, her friend called. And she goes, she's here with her.

you do you want to speak there and I go why you put me in this fucking position yeah that's super awkward yeah and I felt weird later on I go you know when you grow nothing bothers me more than when people don't grow yeah nothing bothers me more than when you're befriends somebody and you kind of colleagues with them and then you grow and they don't grow and they get mad at you because they don't grow right totally also though like I'm kind of like a guy, which is why a lot of my friends are guys, but in the way I communicate, I am not passive aggressive, ever. Like, I say what's wrong immediately, because I just want to fix it.

Like, if I had something with you, I would call you, and that's the other thing. You fucking talk on the phone. Anyone that won't pick up the phone and fucking talk to me at this point in my life, especially now I get why you're like that. Because you probably get a billion fucking text a day, and you don't want to read a paragraph, and it takes so long to text back. it's so much easier to call. I can't tell you. I've cut people out just because they won't call me. That's it. If you are texting me more than three sentences, you have to fucking call me because I don't have time.

So if they won't call and they're being passive aggressive and I don't know what's wrong, I used to let like try to figure it out because I'm the middle child. I would be like, why? What did I do? Why aren't you talking to me? Now I'm like, all right, I give up. And I just cut it. it off like everything it's making me lonely or because I have less friends but it's making me happier because I have better people well that's the thing that's the that's the decision you have to make you know I still talk to my friends from childhood yep I make it a habit every day to talk to one of I thought I had to yell at george you know that's my favorite when I yell at george because he's coming out here to do that fucking Comic Con. Oh, that's cool.

And he torments me to go down there. The chances of getting me in San Diego, you got, it's been a chance to me fucking making a new snagging myself. It's the worst drive. You'd have to fly. Yeah, it's the train. Well, that's what... I'm not going to do. It's kind of... I've never been, though. I would love to go to that.

It's kind of two-fold because I didn't really experience it too much before I started doing stand-up, because I would have friends from work. I didn't really have too many friends out here, to be honest. But it is kind of weird being in L.A. just because everyone who comes out here, it's like the dream vacation for them. So I had a friend out here last week who Friday at 3 p.m. texting me, come hang out with

us in Hermosa Beach. And thankfully, I had a show to do, so I said no. But they just, like, they think that you're just having fun all the time so you could drop everything and go to Hermosa. So that's tough. I haven't really had to break up with a friend yet. But it is, like, I always, now that I know I've heard these stories about other comics, I am a little bit, I do put up a little bit of a wall at the open mics.

Like, there's some people that I'm friendly with, but I also, I'm very cautious around people now from hearing all these stories. I used to just fucking talk. I would just fucking talk. I believed everybody. Not throw shade, just be open. Like the way I talk to you. I would just, I would tell the truth to everybody and share. my feelings and I forget if it was you someone said to me oh I think it was dice he said no one is your

friend in his town remember that until they prove it and I was like that's that's a terrible way to be but it's kind of fucking true because it's happened before where I've shared too much with someone and then found out later like they weren't really a friend and now I'm like fuck I never should have told them that story well when you tell somebody something and they kind of Like, you're like, that's the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my life. Yeah. I read these little people send me shit a couple weeks ago. Somebody posted a Reddit thing.

A guy, it was beat up Joey Diaz week. Remember, he posted a tread on Reddit that was brilliant about it. Like, I robbed people and that. No way. Someone goes into the Facebook group for the podcast and it's like, I don't like Joey Diaz. and even the people in the group were like, why are you here? Well, like, they're so stupid to even go in there in the first place

because all your fans are going to just, like, destroy them. You don't even have to say it. Here's the thing, guys. Forget the fans, forget all this shit. When you decide to get into the comedy business, way before I decided to get into the comedy business, like I thought about it, and I'm like, people are not going to like me the same way I don't like such and such.

Like when I got into comedy, I watched a ton of comedy. We all do. Yeah. We've all watched a ton of comedy. And you, since you've never done it, you're a fan of everybody's, right? Like, since you haven't done it, you're a fan of everybody's. But there's two or three people that you don't really think much of. Right.

Okay. That's natural. That's me as a comic. Yeah, it's just like music. You're not going to like certain songs. When I got into comedy show, I don't know. I decided right then and there, right then and there, when I got on stage in 91,

that people were not going to like me. That's good that you did that. I never even thought of that. I never even thought about it. As I was bombing all those years, because I was in the Midwest, doing pussy eating jokes, guys. Do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, that must have gone great. Yeah, this has not been a fucking action-adventure lineup. I never even thought about it. Yeah, I was indebting. I was in the Midwest. I was a weido. You know, they don't know I'm Cuban. They don't give a fuck.

I'm just a guy. Remember, I cut my teeth in Wyoming and Montana. It's amazing. And Ogden, Utah, and, you know. So I was just like a big fucking weido. So do you like me or you didn't? So when I go on YouTube and... Oh, I hate reading the comments.

And I read a comment and somebody doesn't like me, it doesn't bother me. I could look at you in the face and tell you, that I'm already programmed because I know as a human being that if we all liked vanilla, it would be a boring fucking world. If we all liked Florida, it would be a boring fucking world.

That's why I like outspoken people. When somebody goes, you know what? I really don't like Las Vegas. I'll look at them and go, why not? Tell me your reasoning. I'll know if that person's faking the funk. Yeah. Like I remember one time being at that diner 101.

I love that place. I love that place. The coconut milkshake with the eggs for breakfast. Fucking delicious. I'm going there late night and eat. Aren't they open late? Yeah, until like three or four. Three or four?

Yeah. But I remember one night having a conversation with a waitress. She goes, if you ever left here, where would you go? And I'm going to be old someday. Maybe I go to Vegas and get like a residency. And right away, she started with that Silver Lake lingo that. self-corporate environment of capitalism. How can you even want to be an artistic?

How can you have artistic freedom working in Las Vegas and a capitalist? You know, those people, I can't. I don't want to be around those fucking people. That's true. Those are the people I can't stand. Yeah. Me neither.

Give me a reason. You know what? Every time I go to Vegas, I see, I feel disparity in the air. I do. I do. I do it a lot of places. I feel the money need.

I feel the need for friendship. I need people who really go to Vegas really think they're going to fall in love. That does happen. I feel in Vegas and I feel so bad. I like going into the cheap casinos in Vegas where you can still smoke in the whole casino but the ventilation's not that good,

like the old ones. And you don't even have to go to old Vegas. Like even on the strip, there are still a few. And it's so different because you can tell looking at the clientele in those ones, those are the people that are there because they either need to make money. It's a more desperate clientele.

It's not the tourists that are on vacation, but that is like the best people watching, because those are the people you're talking about that are like either old guys trying to just make enough to buy some hot girls of drinks, they can maybe get fucked, or take a little money to the strip club, or old ladies with white hair,

playing like penny slots. Like, I love watching that. See, that's the one that I don't like is the older women at the slots. It makes me feel sad. I feel like they're spending all their money. Really? But I do like, there's always the time that you brought

me to the UFC. Like I stayed an extra night went to like a really seedy casino. It's just that that's why I fell in love with blackjack. Not even like the winning, but just the camaraderie at the table. Like these older guys were like, and my mom has a

saying that every gambler almost won. Like so I, whenever I hear someone saying stuff like that, I think of her. But he had a story like, they would. wouldn't let me make a bet and I would have won 10,000 and he was going off and telling the story and yelling at the dealer that he fucked him last night. But like in a funny way. Like it's, it's yeah. Everyone has a sad story of like how they almost made 10 grand. Dude, the first time I ever, I was old the first time I ever actually gambled in Vegas because I was

always like afraid because I'm so addictive. I was scared to bet. And I walked in a casino with some somebody. I can't remember who it was, a friend. a guy, we walked up to a war table. You know that game W-A-R war? He put down 100 bucks. Guy goes, W-A-R, war, whatever, we won. So 100 bucks, just like that, I was like, oh, fuck, this is easy. So I immediately thought everybody just wins in Vegas.

So the whole rest of the week, I tried to make money, and I just lost, I think I lost like a thousand bucks or something like that, which at the time was a lot. I was like 25. I never gambled in Vegas since then. I don't gamble when I go there because I'm so scared that I'll get hooked and lose all my money. So if you see me gamble, it's because I sat at a table on some dude handed me money, like then I'll play. But I'm not playing with my money, ever.

But I have won $20 a few times with other people's money at the table. How often does that happen? How often are you in Vegas and an old dude just hands you $500? If you're a girl and you stand at a table where a bunch of guys are playing long enough, someone is giving you money to play. Definitely. It's fucking crazy. But not a lot.

I mean, guys will just buy you in and give you a few chips. It's never happened to me like in the movies. But I'm also usually dressed in like flannel and a hack because I just did a show or something. I'm never like in a hot dress. Maybe it'd be different. That'd be a good experiment. I don't know. And I never go to the baller tables, whatever those like high line.

Why wouldn't that be the place to do it? There I have so many empty seats. Because I'm always, when I'm in Vegas, I'm always working. So it's always, I'm always in like comedy clothes. I never like, when I go to the fights, I'd, dress up. I love that. You work a lot, huh, Kate? I really lately, I'm like nonstop.

It's good for you, man. And it shows. It shows. I see it. I see people talking. You get on the other day you post a picture of you with those little baseball tinnies. With some other chick. The bikini one. I looked at it and I'm like the fucking internet's going to

collapse today. Oh, the pool? The pool party? I don't know what the fuck it was. You and a bikini. The black bikinis. With a little bony monkey. Oh, that. Yeah. You look beautiful. Thank you. But I'm like she's busting the fucking computer today, but you're always doing. It's weird because I try to post less sexy photos now than I used to just because like I know I want to be more seen for comedy.

But every once in a while, I'm like, fuck it. Yeah, fuck with that. I'm going to be old soon, you know, why not? Because of fuck. I still got. I say one day I'm going to look back and go, God damn, I wish I could wear that, which I still will. Don't show your pussy yet, don't I? Never going to show.

I've never done topless either one. That's the age. That's the thing. Now you can do topless at this stage. What the fuck? No, I'm going to wait. Pussy for the last week. That's the last card right there.

I'm going to wait until I'm 80 to show the person. Call it to Harvey Weinstein. That's the end. No, you're always working, man. You're hustle. Yeah. You're out every night. You do Brian Monarch.

I mean, you do fucking everything. You know, and like I told Lee, you know, I respect that. When I see Dean, I know who's faking the funk. You know, I know who's staying home. You see it. Yeah. And I know who complains and then I'll do the work. And then I see, you know, that, I came home and told my wife that time.

I go, you know, I just bumped into Kate. She just did the weekend in Connecticut. And she took a 6 a.m. flight with me. She didn't sleep near the eye. She's got to go home sleep and do a 9.30 spot at the store on a Sunday night. I go, and I asked her. I go, why are you doing that? She goes, you can't pass up a spot at the store.

And I go, that's why. I like Kate. Oh, thank you. That little statement right there and you can't pass up a spot at the store. But then, this is every time that the Comedy Store sets their schedule up,

I watch their retweets. And I see fucking, oh, here we go again. It's Macho 9 at the Comedy Store. Just these angered woman comics fucking bitching about the line up at the store. And you've never, and you're not even

a regular at the store and you get 20 spots in there a week and fucking that's just the way life is yeah so i give fucking people respect who deserve respect it's that easy like i'm sick and fucking tired and i have been sick and fucking tired like my phone stopped ringing in 2007 from the misery calls those i used to call those misery calls you know after i did the longest yard for two you're three years in Spider-Man. Yeah. I would get misery calls from comics every day. No.

What do I need to do? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, did Joe Rogan call Adam Sandler? Just the dumbest shit. I never know what to say when people ask me what they need to do because I don't really know. That's it. That's it. I know.

I never, but people ask all the time. Well, what do I do? I don't fucking know. That's how I lost a lot of those friends. Yeah. They would be like, well, you get so many spots. How do I? How'd you get those spots?

You know what? I used to do to get fucking spots when I first started. I swear to God, this is the truth. On Facebook, everybody posts flyers for every shit show in town, anything, a bar, a coffee shop, whatever it is, right? Every flyer I would see, I would look at who produced it or was hosting it, no matter where it was, and I would add that person as a friend, and I message them every couple weeks and just go, hey, if you ever have a spot, if you ever have a spot, and I would get up any fucking spot in town I could, and that's how. But the other thing is, I was just nice, and I never asked for shit. I never asked you.

do this podcast ever. I never ask anyone for anything. I just fucking be nice and wait. That's it. But I think a lot of people like, they just, they don't want to do the shows that no one's listening.

The biggest mistake you're making my world was ask me to do this podcast. Yeah, I know. I know. Because you're just telling me, you're just telling me not to put you on a fucking podcast. I want to see something.

Yeah. I got to see you doing something on social media. I got to see you doing something, man. Yep. If I don't know you, how can I put you on this fucking podcast? What are we going to talk about?

Yeah, like, it's different if it's someone I've had that they want to promote something. Yeah. But even promoting is a podcast. Go on the fucking radio. Oh, yeah, totally. You know, I don't mind people telling people dates. I do it all the time. But, like, all the other shit, like, when people hit this up, and I tell you, even in the sponsor department,

like, I was getting hit up to do movies and maybe bring, like, the third actor on the list to the show. Yeah. And I thought about it. I told that company, no. Not for what they wanted to pay us and what we were going to do. I was going to compromise the audience. Exactly. You can't.

I don't know these people. I don't know nothing about these people. For the little bit of change I was going to make, I was in a lie to my audience about a movie. That's how I am. I don't know these people. Yeah. That's how I am with ads on my Instagram. Like people are like, hold our shake.

I'm like, fuck that. Send it to me. If I like it, I'll think about it. Yeah. That's it. think like it's uh i can't wait to get like amelia amelia has been on the podcast a thousand times he's going to be on my ins he's one of the leads on myans that starts on fx or uh september 4th i'm gonna have him on you know john brunarthal i hope to get him on in august you know these are

guys that they listen i've known him for years no i know i know yeah i just don't want to bother them i don't like bothering people you know it's a good example is like i haven't done rogan and like every week maybe five or six people will tweet about it. And I never even, I would never in a million years like reply back, oh yeah, I wish or even like it or ask Joe. What about people retweet that stuff? I feel like it's Joe's show if he wants me and will ask me, why the fuck would I bother him or engage? You know what I mean? That he'll walk in the store one night into the original room or into the main room and you're on stage killing.

Yeah. And you say something that makes him laugh. And that's it. You got them. I know Joe. I know Joe for 20 years. Yeah. And I know exactly how his mind works.

And Joe is like so good to me and always gives me good advice. And like he's great. I actually think Joe is so sweet. I think he's so great. But like that's what I'm talking about though. Like I can't imagine when people ask me even, I'm like, why you? It's so awkward because they put you on the spot. And then what are you supposed to say?

How many podcasts do you have now? Well, date fails is the podcast. I love your date fail. Yeah, the date fails is cool. but the one I'm so stoked about having you on is the Hollywood pool party, which, so I used to do it as a live stream. So so far Monday, have a 10.30 in Hollywood, and I'm waiting to hear back to see if this lady could, she wants to see me at one in the valley. But mercy doesn't get out of school till four. Just let me know.

I would have to blow up. I asked my wife. My wife went. Wait, 1030 in Hollywood and then one in the valley. Maybe you could come do it in between. Something like that. Something like that. Dude, it's so funny.

But 10.30 is a pitch. So I don't know exactly. I don't know what it's going to fucking entail. Yeah. This all came about. We can play by you. You're special. But mercy, I want you to tape it.

So I got mercy on it. Yes. So my wife just bought a fucking thing. She went to big lots. And the lady goes, you know, we have a sale for her. And I have an extra coupon from the manufacturer. because my wife goes there a lot. Yeah.

So my wife goes for $79. This was perfect, Joey. And it comes with a blow. It's a pool. It's a fucking a slide. Is it an inflatable pool with a slide? Oh my God, I have one. With the basketball court.

Yours has a basketball court? She has a basketball court. So you fucking, we got it in the backyard. I'm so excited. With the sprinkler that comes out. So you stand on the side with the microphone. And if it's really hot, the sprinkler hits you on the side.

I just say Joey spends all day in this thing. No, dude, I have booms. We can do it in the pool. I went out there the other day with her. She was out there. It was like 100 degrees in the backyard. We did it. We had a fucking blast.

Her and I and my wife put the whole fucking thing together. My wife was back there putting fucking things, steaks through Dracula's heart. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. No, no, no. We don't know. We don't fuck around.

We have to do it at your place then. Yeah, that's what I said to you. Because Mercy you have to do it with you and let her be the star. You can't curse. No. the bikini and she'll do the bikini with you in the whole fucking deal. Oh my God. You might as well get a little girl on there to give you some flavor.

This is literally, it's like my favorite show. When I brought you guys over the end, I did that for a reason. She knew it. Like I said, I said, she goes, Daddy, you have to work? I go, yeah. And she goes, are you going to come back early or do you want me to sleep in your bed and watch the bed for you? I'm coming back early.

She goes, so are you going to have your friends with you? I'm like, oh, Lee's a beautiful. me and she goes well did you bring Lee back and want you to have a party here so we just have an after party and she goes yeah let's have an after party my wife's like what are you guys talking about and I'm like well have an afterpart like a 10 30 and my wife is telling me she's gonna be sleeping I'm like no she's not mercy will wait up for us we have an after party and mercy's like leeds come and we have to get pizza I go lease coming and so is kate quigley you never met kate she's probably going to show up with a bikini I had a

of all. Shut up. And my wife is just shaking her head. So we walked in there at 10 o'clock at night. Your poor wife, man. She was like half asleep. I felt so bad. She was half asleep with the babies fucking straight up.

And I'm telling the Huey Doey and Louie, we're watching Hewey doing Louie that told her cousin Stewie's doing 10 years for fucking bond embezzlement. And she got pissed off at me. She's like, don't say that to me about Stewie. There's no Stewie. She was also in her pajamas and you were like, you're going to make us some cocktails or something like you brought up cocktails? And she's just like let her fly.

She didn't respond to us. She doesn't respond to her because she knows I'm breaking a ball. She's so funny. And then she was mad they put the wrong name on her on her doll. She made it at school. She said they wrote Hannah. My name is Mercy, not Hannah. She's so cute.

She's so sweet, though. I mean, she's like you when you're not podcasting or doing comedy. She's got your like, you know what I love about you? I fucking, this is, I swear to God, when I saw you at the airport in New York at JFK, when we're on that same flight. Every time I see you from 100 yards away, you have the most shit-eating grin on your face. Always, always.

You always have a big-ass smile. And that's what it is about you. Like, you tell dirty jokes, but you're just fucking, like, you just exude light, like, warm. Like, you're just so warm. What is it that at the end of the day, are we really, really angry about?

Yeah. When you really, really think about it. We're so lucky. All the anger I carried in me in my 20s, which some of it was due to life. I still had anger in me in my 30s. Still had anger in me in my 40s. And in my 50s, I still have this anger in me. And just recently I woke up one day and I go, you know what?

Listen, here it is plain and simple. I work eight times a fucking month. And I leave my house six days a month. and I make a living. You have a good life. And I get to go to my daughter's events. I'm not missing meals, but I'm not getting rich either. I'm not Louis C.K. or Kevin Hart.

And guess what, guys, I don't want to be. You don't need to be. I don't want to be. I am very happy. You know, I am very happy coming over here with Lee. You know, Lee's employed. This is a dream. come true. When I used to go to the open mics with Lee and I'd sit there, I'd look at these

guys and I go, this was me 25 fucking years ago, sitting there dreaming about performing at the comedy store, the improvs, the laugh factories, getting flown in. You know, I didn't have any, there was no TV, there was nothing. People like, well, you know, I said, all I want to do is be fucking funny. I didn't give a fuck about moving rooms. I didn't give a fuck about head shots. I didn't get a fucking money. I knew at the end of the fucking week

if you couldn't do the job on that stage, this whole thing's in vain. If you're going to be smoking mirrors, because they used to be a fucking oil commercial years ago, and the motto for them was, you could pay me now, or you could pay me later. That's never left me.

That means you could even. do the work now, or you can do the work there. It's up to you, but you're going to do the fucking work. You have to. So roll up your fucking sleeves, take the bad look off your face, and prepare to eat shit for 10 fucking years before you see anything. I've been here 12 years. Yeah, prepare to eat shit for 10 fucking years before you see anything.

Who the fuck are you? Who owes you anything, you fucking sack of shit? Prepare to be here 10 years. Before anybody even says hello to you. It's fucking 10 years. And then maybe, maybe if you're fucking lucky, some will fucking talk to you. It's true.

It's fucking true. This isn't, you know, the other day, Brenner sat in that chair, and I've been thinking about the statement I made. And you know what's fucking crazy that you really think about it? And you're like, you know what? I remember going to the fucking laugh after that Monday night. Yeah.

Being a six-year comic, six-year comic. But the last three committed. Like, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know. Netflix. What's Netflix? Bussy? I know cocaine and comedy.

Yeah. And how to drive a fucking car to the next game. That's all I fucking knew. And I went to an open mic. I went to a Latino night at the fucking laugh factory. And I saw a kid by the name of Johnny Sanchez go up there. Oh, I love Johnny. And do a joke about no parking in my parking.

How, whenever you see Arabs and. In fucking Europe, they're jumping up and down. At the end of the fucking week, it's the same cousin to the guy in Glendale. And then fucking, I forget who else went up. Somebody else went up. That was brilliant at the time. But then Pablo Francisco went up and leveled the room. Yeah.

He was doing voices, and he did the whole cast of Seinfeld in Spanish. And guys, I sat there. was like, oh my God, I'm moving back to Seattle. I'm not coming down here. I'm not ready for this. Listen, there's a thousand people, Kate, can you have to think about this? There's a thousand people that are a sad reality.

They're a lot more talented than you. They're a lot more talented than me. And Lee, they're a lot more talented than you. I'm sorry to bring that news to you. Sorry, I agree. I would agree with you. All three of you guys, including myself. There's people who fucking really talented out there.

Yeah. But you want me to tell what the real talent is? Thick skin. That's so true. That's the talent. So true. I've seen it. I've lived it.

I've been here. You could tell me every story you fucking want. Yeah. I've seen, you know, I've seen it all. I've seen it all. You know, I also saw Dave Grow be a drummer on Nirvana. And now he's one of the greatest performers in the world on Food Fighters. Amazing.

He sat there. played it out. Yeah. He did his time. This is all about time. The talent isn't that you are a fucking prodigy. He's a 21-year-old prodigy. Look at him on stage.

Bitch, it takes a lot more than being a prodigy to survive at the fucking comedy store. Tenacity. So just remember that. The talent is not playing the piano and singing and jumping up and down. And yeah, you're going to have talent on some people are fucking phenomenal on fucking Twitter

and Facebook. and social media. They're going to get 200 million views. But the talent is us continually driving to whatever comedy club to do that midnight spot. Well, you've got to love it. And you got to love it. Because even if you get Kevin Hart huge, at some point, Kevin Hart's slope starts to go like this and then I may come back like this.

I mean, it's always up and down no matter how famous you get in this business. So if you don't love it, like that story I told it. on here about Chappelle and go to the store on a Monday night at 1 a.m. If you don't love it enough for that, then why are you doing it? Because the fame, the money, like, the level of fame that you're at, people know you because they're a fan. They like what you do. They don't know you because they read about you on a tabloid. They saw a photo of you out with Kim Kardashian. They know you because they like you. It's not my gig. My gig is not to go to parties. My gig is not to hang out with nobody. I don't want nobody. Nothing like that.

My game has always been to you're a comic. I never told nobody I'm the director. Leigh Salliatt, seven years you've been around. You ever hear the word producer come out of my mouth? Not really. I'm a fucking dirty comic bitch. From day one to day two. You know what? I'm no better than you, motherfuckers. Remember the day I went on, I went on an audition a few weeks ago and I called

Joey the minute I got out. Do you remember I called you? And I said, this was the worst fucking bullshit audition that I had to go in there. And the premise of the show is, is they play a comedian's bit, and then they have another comedian act out the bit, but I had to lip sync the bit. Like I had to fucking, they played the jokes on tape, and I had to lip sync it like I was lip syncing a song, but I didn't know that's what it was going to be. So halfway through, I stopped it and went, wait a second, I'm lip syncing her jokes,

but people know I'm a comic. And they were like, right. And I was like, yeah, I'm not doing this. And I just left. And I called Joey and was like, listen to this. And he was like, fuck that shit. We're comics. We don't fucking audition for that bullshit.

We're comics, that was, to me, I was like, that's why I fucking love Joey. Because you just got it. There's rules. Well, why would I do that? This is the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Lipsing someone else's jokes is retarded. It's not even acting. You weren't even reading the lines.

You were lip syncing. This is the dumbest shit. I wish I could say the show, but I won't. The problem is we forget. In the middle of everything. with the parties and the tabloids and the E.E. TV.

Sometimes we forget that we're just dirty comics and we're just here to replace somebody and that's all. That's the only self-importance we have. I'm a dirty comic. But you know what's nuts is lately I'm so passionate about work? Not just, like, not just

listen. Like the pool party show is my favorite. Like I fucking love doing it. It's dumb, but it's fun. It's funny. Like people tell funny Hollywood stories. And last, in the last week, I think I did like 10 spots, two of my podcast, like three of other people's. I'm trying to sell a show, so I had a few meetings. And I did five episodes of the pool party or whatever. I was literally not sleeping. I mean, I was sleeping. How long is the pool parties? Ten minutes? We filmed for 25. We cut it down to like 15. Yeah, it's short.

Great for you. Yeah, it's perfect. It's perfect. And it's all, the point of it is to break the illusion that Hollywood is glamorous. So the whole point is, like you take like a job you book like the longest yard but then you think of like the moments on that that were like awful or like a terrible audition that you thought was going to be amazing and it turned out to be like a shit like the guy jerked off in the casting room. We're like just shit like that that breaks the illusion that Hollywood is like we're also it's all fame and makeup and red carpets and you're like no bitch like two blocks that way next to the Oscars is like tent city where like guys are pissing on each other in the middle of the night you know so

But my point is I wasn't sleeping. I've never been busier. But I love everything I'm doing right now so much that like I went to a party the other night. One night. And it was a big Hollywood party. Like John Mayer was there. Like all these celebrities were there. I swear to God, Joey, I walked into this party.

I was there for like half an hour. I was like, why am I here? I could be editing this fucking pool show right now. I don't give a fuck about this shit. I'm leaving. And I just called an Uber and left. And that was the first time I ever was like, all I really care about right now is what I'm making.

I really don't give a fuck about who doesn't like me, who talk shit, who anything else right now. Nothing else. But I'm so happy. Yours is not the reason why. Yours is just to do or die. That's it. But we have forgotten this.

As Americans, we forget this. Yours is not the reason. What are you asking questions? All you got to do is keep showing up. Show up and do what makes you have. Happy. What's coming up for you? What date you got?

Oh, thanks for asking. Well, Tuesday night, I promise Sam. Tuesday night, I'm at the Comedy Store for Comedy Chaos. Sick lineup. But I'm going to Connecticut, not this weekend, next weekend. So it's the 19th through the 21st, Mohegan Sun. Comics, yes, yes. Comics, you've done that place, right?

My girl, Deborah Hubster's going to see you. Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah, the one that wants to have a threesome with me? Yeah. Oh, fuck. Well, maybe. Send me photos.

Tweet me photos. I'm due for some sex, you know? Other than my exes, I hadn't fucked in like two months. So, and then anyway, I got August 1st through the 5th, Minnesota, and then I got Sunnyvale. Roosters. Have you played that joint ever? Rooster T. Yeah.

I heard it's good. Yeah. It was really popular when I moved here. Really? And it went through different ownership. So I don't know what's really going on up there anymore. Me neither. But it's like a two-hour drive, right?

Four-hour drive. I think it's more. I think it's like five. Five. I'm going to fly. I'm not driving. Really cool. Maybird, Sunnyvale.

I heard it's dope. And I've never done that area. There was an owner for a while. They were just doing clean comedy. They've gone through so, yeah. They've gone through so many different things over the year. I really don't know what's up. I heard it's good from a few people.

We'll see, but I'm excited just because I haven't headlined that area yet, like the San Joseish area. And then hopefully we'll go to Cleveland together in October. I hope so, man. No, no. You're in. You're in. That would be dope.

When we do hilarities, I'm motherfucking-yish-old. Ward Street. I would love that. With Kate Quigley's homecoming and shit. And I got to just plug the photo shoot with Holly Randall because we're

trying to get much of them. That's the one we're talking about, right? The one that you put up and you had your little tiddies. Oh no, we haven't shot it yet. The one that we're doing

the Kickstarter for us. So Holly's like a legend in like the adult world but I won't be nude, but Holly's like one of the only female directors and photographers who shot for Playboy and stuff

and she wants to shoot me but she has this idea to do like a sexy clown like a clown that's like really like kind of gothic and sexy whatever so we're trying to raise money for it and then we're going to do like really cool implied nudes so nothing where i'll be naked but i'll have like my boobs covered but i won't be wearing clothes i can't advocate that why you told me to do it nothing naked no you can't advocate that shit but they're going to be like artsy like you'd hang in a museum like playboy with the other hand of that you're going to go let's

go if you're going to show that pussy show me that clip i can't Don't dress it like a clown. Joey. Jesus Christ. No, the clown thing is going to be like Harley Quinn, but like black and white. It's going to be cool. I want to see you in a Harlequin's. Nobody wants to see in a Harlequin suit.

Yes, they do. Joey, you're really good. They don't want to see that asshole or they don't want to say nothing. But we're going to let people come watch. They don't want to come on set. And come watch you naked? No, come watch the photo shoot. No, listen, if you're naked, people want to come.

If you got clothes on. Well, they implied nude part, there will be, I will be naked. How do they imply that you're nude? I'm going to be totally naked, but I won't show my. pussy or nipples so it'll be like those side angle shots where it's like there's not clothes but you're naked do you know what I'm saying like pregnant women take to showcase their bellies what do you think she was doing but what did you think that meant and the clown one is going to be cool because I'm a comedian but they're sexy it's supposed to be like a comedy hot photo

that took too expired fucking cheap and shoes plus the fucking hot candy sure you know just tell the people to support it Jesus Christ we only need to raise a little money and they get to come watch if they live in the area really yeah so you don't let people come watch they have to turn in their phone at the fucking door and yeah that's the highest you do the background jack no we're gonna have security i'm gonna have security well if you're taking pictures and put the little nipples on and some guy runs up takes his dicks out louis keyz on you shoots a little low as long as he's standing far enough away where it won't hit me i don't really don't give a fuck i'm very chill you know don't invite that that's like when he said you wanted to be homeless for a summer you can't

I still kind of want to try that. This is why I love you because you've got a sense of humor. You take everything for what it is. And the more I see, the more you fucking grow. Last week when I was on Rogan, I was talking about this thing I go to. The people are great over there in U.S. cryotherapy. Oh, I want to go there. It's in U.S. chirolbultivar.

But I was talking about the thing that they have called Novitorah, and I took the thing for Rogan, and I checked it out. And this fucking thing does a lot, man. It decreases inflammation. It improves lymph draining and improve blood circulation. Increases energy. Promote cellular regeneration. Reduce obesity as part of a diet and exercise program.

And for performance and recovery, improve muscle strength, reduce post-exercise, soreness, decrease. This is fucking crazy shit. So if you live in the area here by myself or Bert or any of us or even the Hollywood area, I think this is the only place they have this Novitor bed. And it's U.S. cryotherapy in Studio City call up. Does it get hotter or anything? Or is it just, do you feel like it's lying down? It's warm and you sleep like a baby at night. It's fucking tremendous.

You've got to take me there sometime. I've always had to try it. I love all that shit. You know me, though. I've never done either. The cryo thing you do. If you go to U.S. crowd therapy, tell them my sent you from the podcast to church, so I'll probably give you a couple dollars off. I think if you're going there the first time, one time, it's like $26. Oh, that's not bad. No. I want to try it.

Just to test yourself. Yeah. Just to really fucking, it's your head too. So you're going there with earplugs on, you're going there with gloves on, your underwear, they give you socks. What about your eyes? That's got to be crazy. No, your eyes are fine. Okay.

You get your favorite fucking song. Negative 200 or something. How long are you in there? Three minutes and 30 seconds. Jesus Christ. It is tremendous. How cold is it? Do you know?

I don't know. 150 degrees. I used to surf in the winter and that fucking water hit your face. So you go in there and it starts and the music comes on loud. I put Madonna burning up. Or I put Madonna, physical attraction, where it makes me dance and you shouldn't. I go punches.

Anyway, listen, the podcast is brought to you by my favorite. On it, they got a product called Alpha Brain, which gets you fucking sharpened in a motherfucker. And it's their flagship. If you don't like the product, they'll give you your money back and they don't want the product back. That's how much they believe in Alpha Brain. This is, I'm talking about Honit.

Honit does not fuck around. I've been messing around with Honour for nine years. I've known Arbery for years. Rogan's turned me out to some of their products. I go to Jiu-Jit-2. I drop one of those Shroom Tech Sports. Right? Do I not do that fucking Jiu-Jitsu things with you guys?

Yeah. Hector was saying today that you weren't like, you never sit down, like in between rounds. No, I don't sit out. That's the character. That's the character. You don't sit down. You breathe it out and you walk around and you maintain.

and you breathe and you think about clarity. You think because that's what Belize taught us when she came on the podcast. That breathing clears your mind. You know, it's so many things that you learn from breathing, but that's not what we're talking about. Get the fucking shroom tech. Go to honor.com right now and press in.

Church? Bam, and get 10% off your order. Number two, you want a guy, you want fucking shin guards, you want boxing gloves, you want when you go to Muay Thai class, you want the best, you got to deal with Fuji.

How do I know? Because I live Fuji. I breathe Fuji. They're geese in my world, a tip-top magoo. People have given me other geese. People have given me other geese from other companies. They're nice geese.

But nothing serves the purpose like a Fuji gea. That fucking Superito, that Sakai Point 2, even just the all-purpose ghee that's $96 or $89. Listen, go to Fuji Sports.com right now. You're looking for a tough guy. You're a big guy. You get an A5 or an A6 from Fuji.

They also have rash cards. Do yourself a favor. Go to Fuji Sports.com right now and press in church. Bam! Get 10% off delivered to your house. Bless you, how about the podcast, all right? I want to thank my queen, the queen of the church, Quake, Kate, quake me.

I'm fucking high as fuck. I love you, man. It's funny. I could talk to you forever. Oh, me too. You're one of a Valentine's favorites. And the people like you. I just don't want to put you on every other.

the week as people get bestoping. I wouldn't have anything to say. You're always welcome here. Thank you for your stories. You motherfuckers, they had an extra show in Utah. So we got a Thursday night show. Bring the fucking bongs. And then me and Dean Del Rizzy are rolling into KC. Moe at the improv,

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, October 9th. No, October, August, 9th, 10th, and 11th. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Anyway, I love you guys. Thank you very much for watching the show. Thank you for listening. Thank you for supporting. Thanks Scott Cunningham for running the Facebook page

and everybody on there that shows love. Listen, we're a fucking family. I'm with you. You're with me and they want to be with us. I want to thank Kate Quigley. And I want to thank my main man, the Christ Killer, for always making it happen. Have a great weekend.

And I'll see you motherfuckers. Monday morning, Tip Top Magoo. Ready to Rock. Let's do this shit, Lee. the week all fucking good. Let's do this shit, Lee. What do you got? Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. We love you. Have a great weekend. Oh, hell yeah. I like this.

Yeah. To all the ladies in the place with style and grace, allow me to lace these lyrical dushes in your bushes. Rock grooves and make moves with all the mommies. The back of the club. Sip it moh is. where you find me. The back of the club Mack and holes my crew's behind me.

Mad question asking, blunt passing, music lasting, but I just can't quit because one of these homies, big he got to creep with sleep with, keep the epic secret. Why not? Why blow up my spot? Because we both got hot, now check it. I got more Mac than Craig and in the bed.

Believe me, sweetie, I got enough to feed the need. No need to be greedy. I got mad friends with Benzzi. See notes by the players. True fucking players. the rover and come over tell your friends jump in the GF3. I got the chronic by the trist. I love it when you call me big popper. Throw your hands in the air and use a true player.

I love it what you call me big pop. To the honeys getting money playing niggas like dummies. I love the one you call me big pop. You got a gun up in your waist, please don't shoot up the place. Because I see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby, uh, baby. Straight up honey, really, I'm asking. Most of these niggas think they be macin, but they be acting.

Who they attract them with that line. What's your name? What's your sign? Soon as he buy that wine, I just creep up from behind. And ask you what your interests are. Who you be with? Things that make you smile. What numbers to dial?

You're going to be here for a while. I'm going to call my crew. You're going to call your crew. We can rendezvous at the ball around two. Plans to leave. Throw the keys, the little seas. Pull the truck up front and roll up the next bluffs so we can steam. On the way to the telly.

Go fill my belly. A T-bone state. cheese eggs and welts just great conversate for a few cause in a few we gonna do what we came to do ain't that right boo forget the telly we just go to the crib and watch a movie in the jacuzzi smoke l's while you do me I love it when you call me pick up fuck throw your hands in the hayer if you're a true player I love it when you call me pick pop but to the honey's getting money playing niggas like dummies uh I love it when you call me big pop but you gotta come up in your waist please don't shoot up the place Cause I see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby, baby.

How you live in Biggie Smalls? Imagining Benz is giving ends to my friends, and it feels stupidious. Tremendous cream, fuck a dollar and a dream. Still toad, strapped with infrared beans. Chopin' olds, smoking line optimos, money holes in clothes, all a nigger knows. A foolish pleasure, whatever, I had to find a buried treasure. So grams, I had to measure. However, living better now, coo-chee swearing now, drop top VMs, I'm the bad girlfriend.

Honey, check it, check. Tell your friends to get with my friends. We could be friends. Shit, we can do this every weekend. That's right. Is that out with you? Yeah. Keep banging.

Throwing when you call me big pop. Throw your hands in the air if you're a true player. To the honey's getting money playing niggins like dummies, uh I love the one you call me big pop, but you gotta come up in your waist, please don't shoot up the place. Because I see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby, baby, oh. Check it that.