The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #602 - Bobby Lee

Episode Date: July 24, 2018

Bobby Lee, comedian, actor, and the host of the "TigerBelly" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:    Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first THREE meals for free.    ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 07/23/2018.


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You're slinging dick and saluting the flag. My little brother's in the house. Wow. Little Bobby Lee for you motherfuckers on Tuesday morning. Oh shit. The flying Jews here, a.k.a. the Christ killer. And your uncle Joey.

Oh shit. What? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, baby. Open that motherfucking book. I open, I open.

Open it. Open it for Papa. I wet. I wet. Come on, let's go, Me Too. Let's do it. Stick it in. Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit. It's too big. It's too big, Joey. It's too big. Give it to me, Papa. Oh, rip, rip, rip. My pussy didn't rip, rip. Lou, give me that fortune cookie, a little dirty.

What? Ah, what. Bobby Lee's in the house. The church of what's happening now? What's happening, my little brother? Why do you keep doing? You know, you texted me yesterday, little brother, little this, little that. You're my little brother.

I know, but the thing is that just because I'm smaller than you doesn't mean I'm little. You're younger. Oh, that is true. That's why I call you. Thank you. Thank you, big brother. Thank you, big. Thank you, fat brother.

I want you to understand. We've known each other for so. You know, Bobby Lee, you know, lucky you and I are. How? You know, like I told you, two weeks ago, I worked with Shama. You came up with Shama. Shameda. My ex.

You know, she was my roommate. She was your roommate. Yeah, yeah. I mean, 97. Yeah, I do. Ninety-six. Whatever the fuck it was, you know. And I'm watching her on state doing her little fucking impersonations and doing her thing.

And she's killing. Yeah, she's Joan Rivers. She's all that shit. And I'm like, you know what? That's 20 years. I know. That's 20 years. So, if I talk to Shane Mattash and I still talk to you, like, I love you.

I love you. If something happened to you, I would be really sad for a long time. Would you cry? Oh, really sad. I get really sad. How many? Like, for a week? For a life.

It'd be like the people I've lost already if something happened. When you're a comedian, bro, with all the hatred in this town and all this stupidity, when two comics from the store, like I saw you, I think Thursday, I followed you, and Saturday you followed me. You got to follow each other. And both nights I drove home and I go, I don't understand if Bobby knows how lucky he is. Because, yeah, people know that a manager took us out to dinner in San Antonio, 1998. at the Latino Laugh Festival

where it broke. But to know that it's been 20 years that we're still in the game to know that we're still relevant that we still get spots at the fucking store. Have you ever thought about that that you still get spots at the store?

I think in my case, dude, I'm kind of like a weasel, bro. I'm kind of like a cockroach. I know how to like get into other people's worlds. But I do it in ways like either through guilt or sadness. I am a trickster. You know what I mean? So it's like when I wasn't getting...

When Adam first took over, I wasn't getting a lot of spots and then I just kind of, you know, got sad. I wouldn't talk to him for like a week. And then he, you know... But I do little tricks like that. How many spots do you get a week? I get every night.

Every night. Do you perform anywhere else at the store? Yeah, I play at now. Yeah, I play at now. But, yeah, mostly the store. But your heart's at the store. Like, I... My dude, my dick's at the store, bro.

My, dude, I'm telling you right now, dude, that if the comedy store's closed, I wouldn't know where to fucking go, bro. I would be dead. You wouldn't switch governments and go to an improv or... I mean, I would do sporadic spots there maybe, but you don't, you know, these clubs don't have, like, a home group. You need a home group. You need guys. Why I like the store is you can't, it's so hard to get in. You know, I know a bunch of dudes are like, can you get me in?

Like, established dudes. and I bring them over and then the dude Adam's like nah right so then it makes me realize oh it's almost impossible I like the exclusivity of it fucking she threw Seinfeld out of there I know she threw 20 motherfuckers out of there

like to change the world with that comedy but she kept prior she kept you know I mean she threw a lot of people out of it and let people know that you couldn't fuck around in it yeah like I've always taken that place very seriously like I was a fucking straight

Like I still remember pulling up up there and seeing cases of booze out Yeah Like that get dropped off and up like 10 years ago I would have put these in my car and sold them on sunset a 50% off I couldn't imagine doing that at the store like I didn't want to fuck around at all up there Every life experience that's valid in my life was through there my first threesome You know where I had like my first somebody eating my butt hole or like seeing seeing ghosts. I saw at the comedy store.

You really saw ghosts. Two times. Me and Johnny Sanchez saw at the same time a ghost. Where did you see your ghost? What do you mean? There's only one ghost. There's only one ghost there, bro.

The belly room. And his name is Gus. Do you know that? Is that his name? That's his name, bro. Gus, dude. I've seen Gus twice, bro. Now, where did you see Gus?

The first time I saw Gus was Johnny Sanchez. You know that little Latino guy? Yes, absolutely. He goes, hey, bro. I go, what's up? Let's do a gig. in Bakersfield. So back in the day, I used to, I had this truck with no window.

The windows were blasted open. I had no money. So I parked my truck at the comedy store. He takes his car. We drive to Bakersfield. We do a show. On the way back, it's like three in the morning now. But he drops me off at my car.

We're standing in the parking lot. She's talking about the night or whatnot. And we both look up at that top window. And we see a face glowing. No eyes. No, no feature. wearing a top hat and two hands against the window

looking down on us. We look at the thing, we look at each other again, and we look back up, it's gone. And we believed that to be Gus, my friend. That was the first time. When was the second time?

I was playing the piano at four in the morning. In the main room. Yeah. Why are you laughing, dude? I haven't really heard anyone say that before. In the main room bathroom? How many people can say they play the comedy store piano at four of the morning?

I played it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the back, that bathroom. them. That piano. Yeah, that piano back there. Okay. But back then, it wasn't in back there. It was on the side of the stage. On the side of the stage. Right. So it's completely dark, right? And I'm playing

on my own improvised little, you know, Korean lullaby. You know, dang, ding, dang, dang, dang, ding, ding, dang, dang, dang, you know, stuff like that. And I look to my right and I see a yellow suit with a top hat, but from far away,

You know where the entrance is? I see it coming toward me. I run out that back door, you know, to the hallway. Yeah? And I come back in, it's gone. And I believe that to be my second encounter with Gus. Now, I had one encounter, but it wasn't with Gus. Who is it?

I think, I thought it was Sam Kettison. It's so funny that you say that because once you say this, what you're saying, I want to tell you something about Sam and Gus. Go ahead. No, tell me what. Well, Carl LeBoe, you know Carl LeBoe? You know Carlobo? Yes, sir.

Carlobo and Sam Kinnison were best friends. In fact, when Sam Kinnison died, Carlabo held his body. Did you know that? As he was saying, no, it's not my time to go. Yeah, yeah, that whole thing. Don't make me cry right now. No, I know.

Because you almost need me cry just now. No, it's sad. Don't do that, okay? You almost got me there. But anyway, but Carl was telling me because I got his teeth fixed. Do you know that? Back in the day when I started getting to making money in show biz,

he came up to me, and he opened his mouth, and it was like boom shakalaka in his mouth. Like death. Call about. No, yeah. He had opened his mouth, and something was rotting in his mouth. I go, what's the matter? He goes, my tooth.

That's not what he sounds like. But he goes, my tooth. I go, what's wrong with your tooth? He goes, it's rotting. And I went and got his teeth fixed. But during that time, right, he was telling me a story how when him and Sam Kinnison moved here from Houston, they would, they would, sleep in the main room on the stage.

And one night, Carl and Sam were sleeping, and Carl was awoken to Sam Kinnison levitating upside down from the stage. And Carl goes, you know how big Sam is, right? And then he was dropped on his back, but he was definitely like four feet up from the stage. And they believed that it was Gus that was doing that. Gus apparently was a bodyguard or a doorman back when it was Ceros and he was assassinated there. And he's like a mafia hitman, his ghost, and he's angry.

What's the matter? Why are you staring at me like that? Princess Corey, I saw who I thought was Kennison. I was in the original room. Yeah. Okay? So I went, I had like a 1245 spot in the original room. It's Saturday night, this is the old days.

The place is hopping. I hear a voice in the main room. There's a show going on in the main room on the Saturday night. I walk up and it's sold out. I know Mitzie's in her chair in that booth there. Oh, yeah, back in the day. I didn't go in. I stood in the hallway.

But something, when I was looking at the comic, so the main room is that TV. The main room stage is that TV. I'm in the hallway. Something kept blocking the light. from the belly room that was shining on the wall. So every time I would watch, something would block it. And I finally go, what the fuck is this?

And I stepped back, and I looked up. And what I saw was, what did you see, dude? I don't want to say this. No, you have to. What I saw was a guy, look at me. But before I could see his face or what he had in his head, he threw a tape over. And he went into the belly room.

That was Gus, dude. That I know Sam Kiddison. And I was like, Jesus Christ, I finally saw my first ghost at the store. That's it, it's done. So just wears a top hat and a cape? Now, Princess Corey has... Don't doubt it, dude. Princess Corey has a story about getting fucked up at the store and going into the main room when it was dead.

You know, when we first saw today, there was no main room shows, comedy chaos on Tuesday. Yeah, it was... Skyless Stone on Thursday. It was... Friday and Saturday was open, but every night. Every night. Other night, it was completely dark, closed down. Oh, Tuesday.

Oh, they had black night. But besides that, it was completely dead. Princess Corey told me a story one day. She was on the up and up. Her and I were eating like lunch or something. And she told me that. That's the first time she told me. She was, oh, this place is definitely fucking haunted.

And I go, what are you talking about? She goes, one night I got really fucking hammered. And I figured I'd go into the main room and fall asleep in one of the boots. She goes, I just wanted to. She goes, I figured I'd nap for an hour, sleep it off, and wake up. up she was I was awakened to fucking ballroom music blasted in the comedy store

it's creepy and she said she popped the head up and the whole dance the whole main room stage was people dancing with top hats and jackets on like just dancing and that she got up ran out yeah and set the alarm off whoa cops came you know

the manager at the store came at the time she was the talent coordinator at the time this was before Freddie I think God rest of soul. She goes that the cops came, they couldn't find nothing. But I have been out in that lot, many a night. Again, in those days, I was on some type of drug. So I cannot, the night I was watching the main room show, I was not on drugs.

I still had a spot, so I did not do cocaine yet. So what I saw that night I saw. Yeah. I've seen two ghosts in my life. I saw a ghost at the comedy store, and I saw a ghost when I was about four in a building in New York City. You remember that? Always.

Yes. I still remember what I felt like. I still remember telling my mother the confusion that I had, and I still remember my mother asking me the story over and over and over again like a cop to make sure I wasn't fucking crazy. And then when I moved into 3515 giving that terrace, there was a time when I was, when I got out of Catholic school, I couldn't stay in that house, Bobby Lee. Yeah.

I couldn't stay in that house in that night. Probably I'm a big boy. You know me. You know I'm the type of guy. I love to be independent. When I got out of Catholic school, when I got out of the Catholic school, my mom had a bar. So that meant basically I had the house to myself at nights. What 12-year-old kid?

What 12-year-old kid doesn't want a house to himself with cable TV? Every night. Every kid wants a house to himself. I would go home at night. My mother would cook dinner. I would eat dinner with her. She'd leave to the bar. I would do my homework, watch.

gets Christy Love, whatever the show was popular in those times. Go up to my room about 10 o'clock, put the air on, go to sleep, and within 20 minutes, I'd be awoken by something. Bobby leave this one on for fucking a year. I couldn't sleep.

I would fucking test toward. And I would feel something. I would just, and one night I said, I can't do this no more. There's something in this fucking house. And I remember telling my mother, my stepfather, and people, they're like, you're crazy, you're watching too many horror movies, and I fucking started living with a family.

I would just go to the house at night. I played basketball with the kids. The parents didn't have a fucking clue who was in their couch in night. So you couldn't sleep? I would go to my mother's bar, stay at my mother's bar until 9, do homework, eat dinner with my mother,

and then go to 26th Street in Central. There were a Puerto Rican family named the Torres. And I was son with Jose Torres, Popo. And I'd go to his room, we'd watch TV, and nobody would know I was even sleeping in the house. I get up in the morning, brush my teeth, comb my hair, and go to North Bergen school. So I would stay in Union City and go to school, North Bergen.

The fucking point of the story is that after my mother died, and I found the dead and the whole thing, I found that an interesting fucking story. Some people came over after my mom died, and they said, we're really sorry about your mom's death. And they said, you know what? We never liked this house anyway. We thought about buying this house.

but you know why this house sold for cheap? Because somebody hung themselves in the garage. Whoa. And right there, I knew that all my premonitions that I had, I would hear it, Bobby Lee. I'm not a retard. I'm not a fucking idiot, Bobby Lee. I know what I see, and I know what I feel.

I would feel somebody going up the steps. That's what I would feel. People running up the steps and running down the steps. Now, the person that killed himself, were they white? I had no idea. You have to know that shit. You have to know that shit. Probably in New Jersey, you would think so.

I thought he hung himself. For years, I heard the room. Because after, like, my mother died. They buried it. And these people who had lived on the block, I knew, like, I wasn't friendly with them. Yeah. They came that day. And we're like, we looked at this house first.

It was like $10,000 cheaper. Yeah. But somebody killed themselves in the garage. So they said that he hung himself. And then I told somebody, and they came back to me. They went on and we did some looking. The guy was one of those guys that closed the garage. and put the fucking thing.

The car on. So any time I go back to that house, when Lee and I shot the documentary, I could feel that house. Like, I was thinking about buying that house. But it's still there. I'm buying that house. It's still there, yeah.

It's still there. I'm thinking of going back to North Berger and saying, what are you want for this house? An orphan, $20,000 more. Gutting that house. Gutting it, from A to Z, gut cleaning out the outside. I know there's shit in the yard. I know there's

weapons hidden in the yard. My stepdad. You think they're still there? I know they're still there. Yeah. I hit a gun in 85th Street. I know it's still there. Whenever I talk to the people, do you motherfuckers ever find that gun? They're like, where did you put it? Yeah. I said by the garage. It had to be like three feet in.

But there's something about 35, 15 given on terrace that's always bothered me. Still till today. My mother died there. I found her in the kitchen. You know, what that house had become. Well, who lives there now? A family? When me and Lee were there.

Older Hispanic family, right? They were older family, but they had had it. My mother died. Lee. His name is Lee. That's Bob. Oh, that's the, you are Lee, huh? Yes.

That's my bad, dude. No worries. You thought his name was Jimmy? I don't remember, but the whole time was thinking, what the fuck's this guy's name again? Yeah, so when Lee and I went. Hey, Lee, what's up? When Lee and I went and shot the documentary, some people came and they go,

no, I think the people bought that house when your mother died. They were the first people that bought it. And they still live there. But I would like to buy that house. There's nothing you can do, though. Tear it down. Even if you build something back up in that, that the ghost is still there?

No, no. I could do something. You could bring like Indian chiefs. And fucking, you could give it a try. Oh, yeah, have the people dance on it and shit. I know my mother's in that house. I know my mother's tormenting in that house. I know that she's in there.

I would give her peace of mind. I've always thought about that. And I can't believe how cheap the problem. Like my friend's dad died. He's got a two-floor fucking house in North Perrigan. It's $400,000. Yeah. North Perrigan is a throw rock from New York City.

Is it still safe? The house, and the neighborhood is safe. Everything's safe. You would have to tear the house down and build a new house. But the property... Communicating with the dead and stuff. Now you're getting into stuff. No, no, no.

Do I say I want to communicate with nobody? Listen, you're talking about the wrong. No, but you want to... What are you going to do? I would like to buy that house. That house meant a lot to me. I know, but the thing. I think this is that no matter what you do with the house, you tear it down, you wipe it out, you build something else on there. The spirits are still there. You believe that? Yeah. Okay. It's not in the wall. It's not in the concrete. What makes you believe that? Just, I'm not doubting you. Because it's... Because... I'm not arguing with you're dealing with a different plane, my friend. Okay? They're on both planes, right? So you have to go to the second plane, take some sort of machine. Maybe Duncan Trussle knows about one.

No, no, which Cuban, the Cubans call the Mundo de la Veda. Get that. They went over to the world of truth. Yeah. I understand that. But I figured whatever was haunting me, listen, Bobby Lee, I had a, you've been addicted to drugs. You've been addicted to drugs where you started hearing things. That's right. I've been addicted to drugs where I started hearing things for 27 years.

You know, it's a mental prison. That's the easiest way of describing addiction. People were going through opioids or whatever you're going through. My heart goes out to you. And, you know, I love you. You know I'm telling you the truth that it's a mental prison. you can't be reliable. You're not reliable no more.

You and I both know it's a mental prison. But I still believe in the spirituality of life. I do, too. You know, like when I did The Longest Yard, where we shot the Longest Yard in New Mexico, there was a riot at that prison, and they killed seven guards, and they shut the power down.

And when they turned the power on, people thought that there was water, it was blood. It was a stream of blood from all the, people they had killed until this day they took the blood out and they paint the floor every year but there was so much blood on the floor that the blood still comes up from the prison floor what the fuck you're telling me this about because when we shot the longest yard there they found out about that the paramount did so paramount didn't want no fucking problems so they sent a swami a hindu

a catholic priest think i'm kidding you an indian priestess everyone for every religion every religion and they sent them down and do a cleanse. The funny thing was the producers wanted to make sure. So they offered anybody who spent the night in the prison. Yeah. A thousand bucks. And the fucking nobody spent the night, everybody would run out an hour in because they heard noises and shit like that.

You know, Mitzie, though, right? Mitzi hired a cleaner from Paris every year for like 30 years to clean her office. Because there was apparently like things would levitate and crash against the walls. in her office. Have you been inside her office? Yes. I've never seen it. And I've been there for 25 years. I don't think about... You've never seen the inside that office? No. Yes. You've seen the inside. The inside of that office.

I thought no one's seen it. She was alive. This was 15 years ago when she used to come in three times a week. I was a telemarketer upstairs. But they clean, but they, but they, she would clean it every year and they would say it still wouldn't be clean.

No one could clean it. So what I'm saying is is that Who knows that these Hindus and these like, you know, cleaners can do anything? Well, here's the deal. I was at the store one afternoon. I used to do Bob Oshack's job, who before that was Freddie Soto's job. And what you did was you basically fucking drove. You went to get her a tongue sandwich. You went to the hardware store and you made deposits at the bank.

Yeah. That was your job, you know? And you picked up shift a little Mexican carpenter. Is he still there? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I love him.

Love him. He's doing well in life, so he's a little fatter. Is he? He has more cheeks. I got to go see him. Hey, bro. Are you doing? Yeah, he would be down there 10 after 9.

Yeah, I like that guy. Forget his name. What's his name? Emilio. Yeah, whatever. I was there one day waiting to go on a mission. And the weirdest thing happened, a van pulled up like a handicapped man. You know, it had to be 19, had to be 2000, 2001, maybe.

It's got to be two in the afternoon, and his van pulls up. Guy gets out of the car. Kind of looks like me, a little thinner, and he opens up the two doors, and he puts a wheelchair guy in the ramp, and he pressures a button, and the ramp pushes it out, and the guy walks up, and he's very friendly, the guy. He goes, how you doing? And I go, how you doing? If I was 40, 38 at the time, the guy had to be 80.

And his handler was about 40, 45. And they were very nice. But the guy asked me blatantly, he goes, is Mitzi here? I don't know. You know, I don't know nothing. You know, me? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. You're a comedian here. I go, yeah, I'm trying. You know, trying to put the pieces together, sir. I didn't know what the guy did. But he goes, I was one of the original doormant here when it was Ciro's. Whoa.

Did Mitzie ever find the money? Do you know what she ever find? the money downstairs. Whoa. And I was like, I have no fucking idea. And then the guy rolled by me, and I don't know if he saw Mitzi. What you're saying to me right now is in the basement. In the basement.

There could be money stashed away there. Yes. Because you know you can get down there now. People hang out down there. Yes, they have a whole way. We got to find it. Yes, but I heard that there's, I heard that you could go downstairs and sneak out all the way to the street behind it. No.

Yes. There's a tunnel. There's a tunnel because... No. Yes, because the guy who owns Ceros... Smuggled shit. What's his name? Ciro.

No. The guy who owns Ceros was a gangster. Bugsy Segal. Buggie Siegel. Bugsie Siegel was who created Las Vegas. Yeah, I know who Bugsy Segal is. When he came out to Vegas, they thought he was rubbing shoulders with the wrong people. He was getting a little fucking smoochie, and he was dating the Hollywood Starlet, and plus the envelopes were a little light in Las Vegas.

the mat didn't add up you know what I'm saying yeah yeah I gave you 8 million but I got 6 million in contract the retreats meanwhile you're in L.A. having dinner with fucking Sinatra and I'm over here in Buffalo eating meatball sandwiches with a Korean and a fat little fucking Jew that's on the diet you know what's it say yeah yeah yeah what's it say who owns Ciro's originally so they would kill people there that's what I'm saying that would kill people yeah and that's the result of it. People got tortured there. Yeah.

They had a room down there where they were torture people plus. And in the belly room too was an illegal abortion center. Did you know that? No. Yeah. There was an illegal abortion center

and that's why they call it the belly room. Christ. And that's why at times people have said this, if you spend the night there, you can hear babies crying upstairs. But can I just say something about that belly room also?

Yes. It brings up something, the scariest thing I've ever seen up there. One night, At two in the morning, I was hanging out there. Okay? And they go, you know, you can hang out here, but upstairs, they're doing something, but you cannot go up there in the belly room.

Like, it's closed. Who gives a fuck? He's like, there's something going up there. Do not go up there. But I went up there. You know, the back entrance? Up the black, I opened up that back thing, right? All that, it's pitch black in there.

But I see candles. Right? I swear to God, I saw this. 15 people wearing hoods and purported. cloaks okay and they're chanting Iya I'm gonnae Ipaca nae you right and then so I go back downstairs and I wait to see they come down after the the sands you know what I saw one of them was Lily Tomlin okay the second one was Bob Zimuda you know Bob Zimuda and they were

seanceing Andy Kaufman's ghost did it work I don't know. I didn't stay up there long enough to know. But what I put saying is that there's something about that belly room that is a portal of something. Why are you laughing? It's just crazy. It's a comedy club, and it's like a haunted house. I still remember living in 3515, being a child, not a child, being a teenager, and staying in on Friday nights to watch Sanford and son.

and there used to be a show called Ripley's believe it in that Yeah Go to you First find out who owns Ciro So yeah it was The Bugsie Cigo Was the last one to own it?

He wrestled it away from the world of the There we go So Bugsie Ciggo Was there ever a Ciro that owned it? No, the first owner was William Wilkerson But his nickname was Ciro though I bet But the people who rented it after he did

Went to Sammy Shore and said if you want to start a, now what was the second one? The second one? What was the second thing? I need you to know. I think maybe Ripley's, believe it or not? Yeah, go to YouTube and see if you find Ripley's, believe it or not. But before you get into that, I want to just say

the last point I wanted to make, which is there is something dark about the story. It's not because it's black. There's just a weird vibe there. A lot of comics, even though we're having an upswing, there's this girl who, she's

I'm not going to name her name because I want to get in trouble, but she has a Netflix special. But she doesn't play the store. And I was at the Laugh Factory, and I saw her perform, and she got off stage. I was right after her. And I never met her before. She's very funny.

And I said, you're very funny. And she goes like this. She goes, and she just walks away from me, right? Which is rude, right? So in my head, I'm thinking maybe it's in my head. And then check it out. The next week, I'm at the improv, and she's sitting there,

about to go up. I sit next to her. She walks up and walks away. So I did some investigating and I go, this girl, you know, she avoids me. I've never met her before. I never talked shit behind her bag. And a bunch of comics were saying, oh yeah, she, anyone that works at the comedy store, she won't even talk to. I go, why? Because she believes that every, we're all like, kind of like demons and that we're all like a part of this weird comedy cult that we're dark, we have dark energies. But I don't feel that. I pray at night and, you know, I try to be good, right?

We are. But do you think that people do believe that, though? When I got here, the word on the street was industry would not go to the comedy store. Yeah. And industry would stay away from you if you had something to do with the comedy store because you were drug involved or something like that.

There was all a bunch of things on there. I know one thing, and I know one thing about you, Bobby Lee. The comedy store affected both of us. For the better or the worse? For the worst at first to bring out the better. Whoa. What the fuck does that mean? You know, the other than I was sitting at one in the morning,

I went down to the store and I followed you and I watched you. And I got my car. I'm having a hard time lately, Bobby Lee, if you want me to lie to you and my brother, I can tell you, the last two years, I've struggled with people wanted to take pictures with me. I've struggled with people that send me emails

and say, you know, you and Lee are changing our lives. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm a fucking criminal, Jack. I put a gun to your fucking head and take your wallet right. No, you won't. Believe it or not, that's who I was.

I know, but that's not who you are. I wouldn't be here if that's who you were. I was thinking about my ex-wife. I was really thinking about my ex-wife and about life, and how she saw me at my worst there is many few human being that saw me at my worst

the guy I kidnapped obviously my ex-wife this guy named Mike Robuck from he's in a wealthy he's called into the show a couple times because he's my brother there's very few George Kaladinsky who's my brother he was dead and not I kidnapped the guy and he saw me do a bunch of dark stuff

you know I was always a dark guy before I got to the store let's not fucking the mistake who the fuck we are here but when I got to the store it does something to you yeah original room does something to you the main room does something to you and affects you I don't know if you know this do you remember when I got the fat ball on my neck oh yeah I had a fat ball yeah yeah yeah and I would get my I would do a line of coke and my heart would pump yeah and whenever my heart would pump the fat ball will come out of my collar bone it would just levitate like it's kind of

and on the spirit and you can only feel it so after I got off stage and my heart would work up I go Bobby Lee come in and you touch this and go ooh yeah yeah I remember that you better go to the hospital yeah I do remember that why do you have people touch it though because I wanted you to tell me that I needed to get help because I was too much of a pussy to go to the fucking house that was her underdeveloped twin yeah that you had like a twin that was underdeveloped that song was my my twin my head what was a song that that chick the speed freak with the boyfriend Josh Duchymey in the band. Yeah, the Philippine hums.

My hump. My little sexy hump. I had a hump there. I had this fucking hump. So I went down to see the cyanide, boom. They took it out. And here's the funny thing. There's two things that happen to me that can validate what you're saying to me.

This was the first thing, Bobby. And you're going to shit your pants. I didn't know you were as spiritual as you were. When I came out of the surgery, the doctor came, and he was, how you're feeling? He goes, listen, we had a zip a piece of your fucking collarbone. We removed the piece of your collarbone because what we thought was in there

wasn't really in there. It was a lot bigger. It was the size of a fucking softball. Your collarbone's going to be a little soft, but we did this new type of medical, you're never going to feel it, which I never have. You can't even find the scar.

I'll give you a hundred bucks. They're nothing. They were beautiful. Technologies, be Jews are beautiful. But in the conversation, he goes, do you want to see what was in you? Yeah. And Bobby Lee, I swear to God,

your mind was. in mysterious ways. As soon as the doctor came in, it was a jar. You ever see the movie, The Jerk, the Man with the Brains? What's that Steve Martin movie? The man with two brains, both. Yeah, they have the jars and the brain. It was a jar like that with the fatball.

Oh, my God. And the bottom half was still intact. No. The bottom half was still intact. And the top half was what he broke off when he was first pulling it. And I looked at it, and this is the first thing I thought about, Bobby Leah. You ready? all the times you walked in the comedy store

after you booked something and people came up to you and said, Bobby, fuck him, we love you. And as you walked away, they said, fucking chink fuck, fuck him,

he ain't funny. They never said that. They all, you have to assume they do. Why? Because that was their thinking back then. They didn't see chink fuck? Well,

whatever they said. When you and I first got to, there was a little dose of jealousy. That jealousy is not there no more. That's why the comedy store is so great right now. Because nobody is mad at nobody. Do you know why, though? Why?

I'll tell you why. Because at some point, Mitzie, yes. Approved people that didn't belong, all right? And now you're mixed in with people that don't belong with the people that do. And the people that don't belong believe that they go fuck that guy. Can you explain why they don't belong? They just don't have it.

They don't have that extra. that thing. And you know what Joe Rogan told me that the other day? He looked at me and he goes, there's something about you, you have it. There's nothing. He goes, Oh, yeah, I'm not,

I said the same thing on the stage. Yeah, he goes, there's nothing, there's no science and anything. You just have it. And that guy over there doesn't have it. And that's the thing, it's not about upbringing,

it's not about it. And I go, wow, that's interesting. But I believe that. Some people just are born with this thing that they have it. And I can,

I can seek young guys, Now I bring them on the road I look at them and I go up and I think this guy has it Let me ask you a question Yeah What about the guys that had it when you and I were starving to death? Yeah And now they're with us and they don't have it

What do you say for those guys? Because there's always because now I'm Asian about it But now I'm science about it I'm the scientific proof You they were hot for three years You've been hot for 10 years You've been doing this now You've been on a television show

This is your maybe what, your drink, fucking cast position? Well, no, I mean, I've done pilots, but this is my third, only my third on-air show. How many episodes are mad? I did eight years. You know, that syndication.

I did a year on animal practice, and now I'm on my second year of splitting up together. You're like the wife from married with children. She went from married with children, tons of anarchy, to superior dollars. You just keep getting syndication building. You just keep getting chance from home.

But do you know why? But do you know why, I think? There's two reasons. Number one, I never left the store for any reason. Any reason. You were very smart about that. And number two, I got sober, right? So that's all I have.

And also, number three, I still read. A lot of these guys, like, I'm going to name his name, but there was a guy I'm like, God, back in the day, used to be in a lot of movies. I go, what happened? He goes, well, I won't read. They have to offer it to me. And in my head, I'm like, I'm like, no, you have to go in, sign up, and you have to wait in that lobby, and then read and get rejected. And that's what the game is.

I love it. Yeah. I love it. There's nothing. I even told my wife I miss. Do you remember when you first got here and we're green, green, green, green? When you went into audition rooms, who are the Asians in those rooms? They're not huge now.

Oh, no. Watch this. No. For number one. Watch this. There's two stories. Number one, when I first got into town, the kind of parts that I would get is like,

you're a ninja. And I would show up at the audition, and there'd be 40 fools there wearing the ninja outfits. But with the masks. But I didn't have one. And I'd come in here, and I'd go, I'd go into the audition. They'd go, where's your outfit?

I don't know a fucking ninja? And they'd go, okay, well, then you're not going to get it. Right? That's what it was. But the first time I saw all the heads, like John Cho, Daniel Day Kim, all those guys was during the audition of King Kong. Now, if you watch Peter Jackson's King Kong, there's one Chinese two did it, no lines, and he just runs from King Kong. That's his part, right? But let me tell you something, they read for that part.

People read, and that was one of them. so I show up and there's like 80 well established now Asian heads but back then we had nothing Nothing right You walk in this room and they had a cardboard cutout of King Kong on the wall I'd love to see you run away from King Kong

I feel like you do a good job That's so racist That is so racist It's so many fucking levels And so the cast ridder goes all right so I'm just going to be running In a circle and King Kong's chasing after you I swear to fucking God I go well do I see it

nothing. No, just run. You know. So I start running in a circle, but I don't say nothing. I'm just running in a circle. And then she goes, stop. She goes, you got to yell. You're screaming. There's a King Kong. I go, all right. Action. I go, ah,

in a circle. She goes, stop. You don't seem Chinese. I go, what do you mean? When you're yelling, you don't seem like Asian. So you know what I did? I swear to I got, I did this. She goes, action. running, I go, ah, yeah. At the end.

And I leave, and now I'm almost crying, and I have sweat dripping down my face. And I'm walking out, and I see John Cho, everyone, and they have to go in there, too. But you know what I do? I don't leave. I sat there for four hours just to see the

faces coming out of that room of complete sadness and distraught. And this is Hollywood. you know i mean this is holly this is what we get in hollywood you have no idea for people at home saying what he's saying because it feels like somebody slapped you on the fucking face a rape yeah it sounds like it feels like spiritual rape because your dream is attached to it where imagine your dream getting raped and there's nothing you can do because you ask for the rape

right so now you're spiritually getting raped and you go home and you lay in bed and you know how a lot of white dudes back then will go one day I'm gonna get you know someone like Chris Pine I'm you know I'm gonna get a right role and I want to blow up right and us it's like oh one day nothing nothing because there's nothing there and then slowly we started working but that's that changes with the time it has to do with ad agencies it's when ad agencies dude I do one ad agencies when we should use more ethnic people in commercials because Chinese people, you know, eat hamburgers too, right? That I booked, when they were doing that, I booked like 30 commercials a year for like three years straight.

Are you still with Lawrence? Yeah. You still go out? No, but I've been getting something. Like last year, Jordan Peel goes, you know Jordan Peel? Yeah. Yeah, he calls me, he goes, hey, do you still do commercials? I do one with you because me and Kegan are doing one for booking.com.

I got a call and he goes all you have to do is make out with Jane Lynch on a bed I thought that's all I have to do I had a couple lines I made out with Jane Lynch on the bed all day tongue kiss

lesbian she's so funny cool and at the end dude these lawyers came up to me and they go can we talk to you outside and they take me out and they go did you say that

black people were oily on your podcast I go excuse me did you say black people were oily I got nah nah I don't say that right

you know what it was so on Tiger Belly my podcast I did say black people were oily and this black lady tried to embezzle me for money she wrote me a letter go if you don't send me $15,000 I'm going to

ruin your career. She did that, right? And every week, I would get an email, 15,000. And she goes, I know you're doing a commercial and I'm going to fuck you out of that commercial if you don't give me $15,000. Right? I show up at the commercial and she tried to do it. And at that point, I went home.

I didn't lose a commercial because they go, we know you do Tiger Bell and we know that we vet you. We know you're crazy, but we love you. Right? So I call my agent And we put a stop to it I got lawyers everyone involved We run a letter

Blackmail I was gonna fucking kill this fucking lady Imagine work You work right I work you know The first 50 years 15 years 10 years of your career You don't make any money So you know you put all

Every night you go up Every night you put your fucking time in You get rejected Open mics open mics year after year after year. Finally, you get to a place where they're giving you money and some fucking bitch

is trying to fucking embezzle you. Fuck you. Because you said black people. Yeah, but it's not even that bad. And also, not only that, I don't even know what it means, number one, and number two, the episodes before that,

I did a whole episode of making fun of Mexicans. And the episode before that, we did two actually episodes of making fun of Asians. And on one episode, I said one time black people were oily and then somebody tried to embezzle me

and blackmail me for money. It's crazy. It's fucking crazy. But dude, imagine, dude, let me tell you something right now. If I was on that commercial because they were paying me a lot of money, dude, and also Jordan put his neck out for me. He's my friend, right?

I don't want him to look like a fool. He won an Oscar for God's sake. All right? If I would have lost that commercial because of this random person that I don't fucking know. I would have been like John Wick, bro. I would have got guns. I would have fucking hunted this motherfucker down.

No, no, no. See? What? We don't know, no, no. I do not understand. Hold on. I can be here with some Tony Bennett. Tony Bennett?

What? We do learn to live in the middle. I want to be around to pick up the pieces. Nice. When somebody. breaks your heart Some somebody Twice as smart

That's a bit of a little bit on there That's it A little midget dust Nobody got that same midget dust It's like fucking animal That same woman's gonna email you Hold on everyone's I want to give some shout out to my man Nick Costello I'm sorry about your cat you know I love your buddy thanks for being part of church

Matt Holmeyer up there Milwaukee Rob got a fucking Rob got a rock groove, a loose, top quality Tony, I see you. Mark Sterman, Pit Stop Entertainment, my Puerto Rican of the Year, René N. Carcion, my brother in Chicago, Bob Lillinger, and his family, my main man Ripley, and always running the page, Scott Cunningham,

and my main motherfucking man, Dick Syatt. Don't forget Utah, Salt Lake City sold out this weekend. Kansas City. Here I come August night, Thursday night, 8 o'clock, myself and Dean Del Rizzy, Friday and Saturday, but let me tell you some. Thursday's your lucky fucking night. Come Thursday, you might bump into Lindsay Lohan, licking balls, or stars of debt, or something that might give you a $7 bag of heroin. You never know at a fucking church show. So what you mean to tell me is, this is what you mean to tell me.

What? I did time. I got left back. I did all this dumb shit. I lived in my car. I had a dream to just do comedy. As long as I can just do comedy and not be a criminal, I would have been fucking happy.

I get into this car. I drive across country 28 fucking times. I get the hang of this shit. I moved to L.A. I shoot a pilot. The pilot don't get picked up. I become a regular at the store. I work my fucking ass off.

I got a few movies. I start doing a podcast. Everything fucking gets better. The road. I get a Netflix special. Everybody's a rock. and rolling and somebody's going to come out from 1985 and say that I finger banged them yeah I don't accept that at all yeah that's what I'm saying I don't accept that I don't accept that I don't accept that I don't

give a fuck how you feel or what movement's going on I do not accept it either okay you know what man we were all I could tell you things I did 40 years ago and I could tell you things they did 20 years ago when I do those things again no because I just won't I'm a different person at least I've done I've done things where I think that I could have been arrested for a long time. I know you would have been arrested. Yeah, yeah, but I can't name those things. I heard about most. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't name those. But I've done things that I'm ashamed of. I'll be too. But I'm going to say this, though, in the last 16 years especially, I've been in the up and up, bro. Pay my taxes, everything, dude. For me, since I've been off to cocaine, listen, you and I both know, like we spoke about in the beginning, whether it's cocaine, whether it's pills, hash, addiction. is a mental prison. You think a certain way,

you act a certain way, because God forbid, your little utopia gets broken. Right or wrong. God forbid somebody finds about how good I feel on these 10 to 15 Vikings are meeting the day. God forbid somebody take that away from us. You know what?

You know what if that lady would have offered you that deal 14, 17 years ago when you were high on Vicodan you were saying black people oily you would have gave a 3,000, 30,000 just to go away because God forbid, who cares about the media?

Yeah. You didn't want your little addiction to get out there. Oh. Think about it, how different life is. Yeah. How lucky we are. We're lucky. So all I know is,

I'm in the same boat as you, the last 10 years of my life, I've been married, I had a daughter, I have a full-time employer who I love dealies, not even employees family you know I try to do the best I can

I'm not out at bars you'll never see me at a VIP you don't see me in Hollywood parties for Christ's sake I drive a Subaru I do the road twice a month because that's the best I can give you that's what I do twice a month twice a month every other every 10 days

when is this air by the way this air is tomorrow I'm going to be at Portland where helium when this weekend oh shit that's one of my favorite fucking clubs. I love that club. They used to have potato tons. Now you know I hate ranch dressing, but these motherfuckers took it to the next level.

What would they put in there? They put that scaramachi, Korean sauce. What's that? Syracia. It's not Korean. It's Chinese. Sirachi is Chinese? Yeah, man. Thank you very much.

It's not called Scaramachi. It's not Italian. Dog, I'm sorry. Scaramachi. No, I don't know. What's it called? Saracha. Saracha. And it's Chinese. Yeah.

And they used to put Chinese in ranch dressing. Whoa. And mix it up. And one night, I didn't know what I was eating. At least I had, I took a potato tot and I dipped it in the fucking, in the thing. And I ate. And afterward, I looked at the menu and I saw. Can flog yourself afterwards?

Oh, my God. After I saw Ranch, uh, sarachi, I fucking, what am I going to do? It wasn't that bad. I got to be closed mind. But just think of, I'm not going to say times and places. Yeah. Just think of the city, like when I hear about Harvey Weinstein, that Harvey Weinstein was a bad person.

Yeah, he was a piece of shit. He was a predator. But I know 30 other motherfuckers that were doing the same thing that were doing. And let me tell you something, one of the second biggest homes of sex in Hollywood was the motherfucking comedy store. Yeah.

I don't know, people know that. Well, it's now, well, right now, it's a business now. Now it's a business. There's a business. and stuff, but back in the day, it was Deadwood. It was like, we ran it. Well, we got that.

Oh, my God. That was. I saw, one night, I saw, I walked in the main room, it's dark, and I see legs popping out on the box, some girl's legs, just sticking out of where the booth is, sort of half her body was in the booth. Her legs were saying it was pitch black. And I look, and there was blood everywhere. And she tried to kill herself in there.

Okay. And I'm going to name me who it is, but she was, she was, a waitress. This had to be 18 years ago. A long time ago. I still remember who that waitress was. A long time ago. My point is...

She tried to kill herself over a manager. Yes. A black manager. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, let me tell you how this story even gets quickieckier. I like that girl very much. Not as a boyfriend, but she was very sweet. She moved out here, and she was taken naive by a manager who was suave.

He had like a wife or a girlfriend. Yeah, he's like a... Very swathe. Very Swab. And I saw him playing her. But when we say, when we say black, he's not like Kanye Black. He's more, no, he's more Jordy LaForge black. Right.

He was more like Enterprise, you know. He was like dry skin. Tina Turner's husband black. Yes. Yeah. Can we more recent reference? I don't know who Joyne LaForge do. Ike Turner.

You know I with the name. I couldn't. He doesn't know. We'll put him off from later. I know. I know. No, I know a guy. That's, that's, I know.

But I'll tell you, let me tell you this story. Donald Glover. Okay. You're gonna, you're gonna die when you hear this. Okay, so this is early on in the comedy store career. This waitress tries to kill herself. And I gotta tell you something, they fucked him because I really liked her. And when I heard why she tried to kill herself, I never really liked that guy anymore.

He disappeared as manager. I have a funny story about him. Then he popped back. Then he came back years later, okay? I never said nothing. It wasn't none of my business. you're going to pick your battles. But at the time, I'm buying

Coke from a couple of different people. I have an Armenian Coke dealer. I have a Mexican Coke dealer. I have a black Coke dealer and I have another black coat dealer. Now one of those black Coke dealers happens to be a comedian. Look at my eyes. I know what it is. He happens to be a comedian.

S.L. S.L. He had the worst cocaine that you could ever imagine. He was always my last choice, because I could front it from him. He would get high and forget I even, because he was on pills. I know who you're talking about, bro.

He was on pills. It was the fucking crazy. And I liked him. I like him too. He was the worst comic in the world, but I liked him. And he lived two blocks from my house. And even when all my cocaine paranoia, I could still drive it to his house and get a package. He was like McDonald's of cocaine.

Right. So I would say to him, hey, leave me some coke in your motorcycle. So he would leave his garage door open. Millions of people would walk by. and in the motorcycle, in the little booth, there'd be a package waiting for me. So he would call me the next day and said, did you take the package? And I go, no. He goes, there's no money there.

I go, what are he talking about? I didn't take the packets. And he goes, somebody fucking took the packets. This went on for months. But I always work things out with him. So it's New Year's Eve. And I go up there and I flip the thing open and I go to, and I hear, Psh, Joey.

And I look up and it's that girl that tried to kill herself at the store. 10 or 12 years early. And they're looking like, what the fuck are you doing here? She goes, I'm waiting for her. She goes, have you seen him? And I felt like saying, didn't you try to kill yourself

over a different black guy? Yeah. Fucking 10 years ago? And now you're another fucking black guy. You want to hang yourself again? What do you want to pull a board day? I go, get the fuck? I just walked out of there like,

and I told him the next day. I called him up and I go, hey man, you can't fuck with that chick. You can't. The whole story. I go, she tried to kill her. over some black thing before and he had a girlfriend. You got 20 white women that are chasing you.

She had a heart attack. I tried to take her to a meeting, right? Because I was sober. I'm driving down Las Siena, she jumps out of my car going fucking 40. And then I was sorry again. All I was doing, she was like thinking that I was like some sort of human traffic or something. She goes, you want to go to a meeting, right, and get sober. I said, I don't know much about him.

I go, you're going to die. So I try to be the good dude. She jumped out of my fucking car. At 40 miles an hour? Yeah, can I tell you something funny about that guy, the manager, though? So he was doing comedy, too. Did you know that? Yes.

For years. So I didn't see him for years. So one day I got a call from this guy named Tony Calabrese from San Diego. He goes, do you want to judge a comedy competition in Tucson, Arizona? So how am I going to get there? He goes, I have a private place. plane, we're going to do the whole thing. So I fly to Tucson.

It's a huge comedy competition. I'm one of the judges. Next thing I know, this next guy's from Orlando, right? He's been doing comedy for two weeks only. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the guy, the black manager.

He doesn't know I'm judging. He comes up there, he's been doing it for 10 years at that time. But he's trying to pawn it off like his only, you just fart? He's trying to. I didn't fart. I tried to move my... For two...

He said he'd been doing it for two weeks. He goes up. He wasn't even that good. But then I gave him a zero. Out of one? Out of a ten. Okay. Did you just fart?

He stopped farting on me. That's so gross, dude. Thank you, boy. Yeah, you didn't hurt it. I did not freezing you? Yeah, he went like that. He's actively pushing it out. Did you smell it?

Yeah, I did. No, you did. If you don't smell it, you didn't... Yeah, yeah, I fucking smell it right now, dude. What does it smell like? It smells like Cuban something. Yeah. It's rude, dude.

Sorry about that. No, you're not. You keep telling. Listen. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Relax. All right, Cox Center.

No, what we're talking about? We're talking about the guy. You didn't even listen to my story. No, about your guy. You judged him, and he was broken. You imagine pulling that off. Well, before the Internet, you could, I guess, right? Go with people.

You should do it all the time. Do comedy for two years and go to an average contest. Oh, yeah. That's what he tried to do, yeah. People would do that all the time. Yeah. It's embarrassing. Then he came back.

And I saw him and I was like I had a room in Bray. And one day I saw him out and he asked me if he did the room in Bray and I told him I'd never heard from him again. Then he disappeared again. He's somewhere lifting money from somebody. I was at a store one night and a Monday night. There had to be 60 people in the original room.

somebody in the belly when you whispered dude it's so fucking creepy because these are creepy stories I know but the way you're doing it right now it's like there was a bachelorette party I will never forget this I mean there's a thousand fucking sex stories

at that store and this chick left the other group and she goes I hear that this place is haunted could you give me a tour and you know I do a couple of spots I took it to the belly room I didn't think nothing of it We go up to the belly room.

We come down. I take it to the main room. And when we get to the one spot, I go, that's the office. And she goes, is that the back? I go there. She goes, let me go inside and P real quick. I'll be right out.

So I went, walked, and sat by the door, like just like I'm an ass. So I'd coke in my pocket, maybe like I did two blasts. And the next thing I hear it, going, come in here. I got to show you something. When I went in, she was completely thinking.

There's a little couch in the girl at women's baton. They used to be a little couch in there. She was completely thinking. can play with a pussy yes they used to that's the shit there was a woman down there on a sunday that used to go on there with a wig she was really pretty but she'd put a wig on there and get people blow jobs in the back no yeah and then she'd leave and then i found out that they passed her around one night and then she disappeared then there was a blonde girl that was down

there gave them blow jobs out let me say something it was crazy it was completely you can't You can't. Any girl that wants to fuck me at the store, I'm going to tell you this. I pulled up at the company. This is before I met my girlfriend, five years, six years ago. I pulled up at the fucking parking lot.

There was the hottest girl I've seen in a long time. She goes, hi, I'm a big fan. Straight up. I said, thank you. And she goes, I live in Bakersfield. Can I spend the night at your house tonight? I go, she comes to my place. for a week, right?

She fucks me for a week. It was a gift from God. And then I'm at a dinner with her and a comic calls me. I can't say, who. And he goes, hey, dude, that girl you're with? I go, yeah, he goes, don't bring her around tonight. I'm bringing my girlfriend.

I go, yeah, but she's with me. Oh, I've been fucking her too, dude. Right? I hang up the phone. I look at her. I go, who else have you fucked? I'm not kidding you, dude. It was like every paid regular on the list.

I mean, it was, I mean, everyone. I go, you fucked all these guys? She goes, yeah, apparently I was the last one. And you know what's funny? Two years later, Russell Peters comes up to me and goes, hey, you know, that's so, so. I go, yeah. She goes, did you sleep with?

I go, everyone. That's why you can't hang out with girls that hang out at comedy clubs. everyone's been inside that why you look at me like that I said this conversation with a different friend of mine about the same topic about a friend that we had

and she called me and said how is she doing I go I haven't spoken for my years I go but I go the last thing she probably wants to do is talk to a comic yeah and I go she goes why don't everybody banged her yeah yeah you got to the point I remember one night I was over there like at nine

I was already living with Terry guys This is when I knew this girl was crazy And she called me one more Just real quick about Terry When I found out years ago that you were seeing her I couldn't believe it Yeah Because she was like the hottest waitress we had

Right I go she's fucking that guy That's unbelievable I'm just so happy that So Yeah I mean imagine though Like the hottest one

What the fuck are we saying I was right there, God damn it. Jesus Christ. You're so high right now, huh? What are we talking about? I don't forget. I forgot what you were saying. Ping up a pie, yeah, ping up a pie, yeah.

Jesus Christ, guys, nobody remembers shaking off the phone, Bobby Lee. You're on a fucking podcast. What are we talking about? I don't know what I'm talking about crazy women at the store. Oh, yeah. Yeah, girls that get around. It was crazy at the store. You know what, man, I'm happy.

and I saw some crazy situations. So early on from 97 to 2000 and then beyond on the road, I've seen and heard some crazy situations. There was a woman five years ago, right, when you were already living with Terry? What's that? You were living with Terry, right?

Already, and there was a girl, did she hit on you or something? Oh, I don't know. You don't remember? Who knows? So for these girls that slept with everything, Every guy at the store. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We talked, you know, no, no, I was living with Terry. Yeah. And one morning I got a call from this girl. Yeah. Now, I had those days, they used to have parties at this house a lot. And I would stop by to be nice on the way out. Because once I went to the store and I got Coke, I wasn't going to go to your house to hang out. I don't want to do Coke with them.

So I would be nice and polite and go early on when I was clear-eyed and shit. but she was already starting to get drunk with her girlfriends and I would go over and say hi how are you guys doing and I go listen I got a 10.30 at the store I wouldn't have a spot to 1145 but I just wanted to get out of that I was just trying to be polite and I remember this particular I was over there at 930 and I left like a 1015 1030 and the next morning she called me like that one and she goes hey you have a minute

and I go yeah she goes did you sleep with me last night well and I go no I only went over there at 9 and she goes You weren't here at four. And I go, no, I was at my house doing cook by myself. And she goes, okay, no problem. She didn't know who she had fucked. Whoa. That's scary.

That's some scary shit. And every comedy scene has one crazy girl. That's why I'm with just Kalila. That's why five years. It took a long time, Bobby. But you're- I cannot do it anymore. No, no, no.

Who could do it? I cannot do it anymore. After 40, you have to feel. bad if you really abuse women like that after 40 at 40 if you look at a woman and go you know what I can be her dad yeah like this is too easy I could be her dad why would I want this on my fucking on my fucking ghost sheet this is too easy I don't even jerk off to like barely legal or any of those kind of kind of porn it's like fresh off the boat or any of that shit it's so crazy it's it's it's it's unreal to me Lee I guarantee you

or if I did like comedy seminars, like if I got that greasy. Right. Like I would say, Joey Diaz is coming to your town, 50 bucks all day Saturdays. I guarantee it. If I did 50 of them,

I'd get approached that 50% of them by a young comic asking me to take around the road or we'd get together for coffee. Let me ask you this. You think now because you're selling out rooms and whatnot, you think right now you could probably land an 18-year-old?

I could do what? You think you could fucking 18 year old if you wanted to? If I put my mind to it and lied and tricked you and got drugs? No, I'm just based on your fame and who you are. No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't think you could. No, yeah, yeah. There's no fame.

I'm a fucking criminal. Joey, when you say that, it's ridiculous. No, no, no, no, I'm going to stop there. I want to just do this. I just want to do this. Anyone listening, all right, because I'm going to say this. I know this for a fact, okay, that when I was calling C.E. about having them

rep Tiger Belly, which is my podcast. They go, well, how many, give me your number, this and that. And they go, yeah, you got to get to the church level before we're interested, right? Which tells me that you're at

a different place. Right? So you're, I know you're trying to humble yourself and go, yeah, I'm just a regular guy, which you are and you're a great guy and I love you and I've always, I'll always love her no matter where you are right but my point though is is that you are you've elevated to a different level can we just at least admit that we've admit that all right well you wouldn't know say that to

me just say this repeat after me i joey dyes i joey dyes have elevated have elevated to a godlike level to a godlike level you just say it no no no no no or a different level outside and inside which is the most important more on the outside though more on the outside I still get fucking perverted thoughts I know I know I don't want to fuck people in the ass And that's why That's why I when you texted me

I came right over Because I love you But also you're People want to be on this thing People want to be around you You deserve everything that you have I won't be around you I don't get to see

You came to my house a couple weeks ago You know what's crazy Bobby like The difference between 15 years ago Is now is that you would go up to the store at 801 and I'd be at 8-04. Yeah. And that was it.

Explain to Lee what it's like to go up to at 8 o'clock in those days. And stayed till 2. It was, what do you mean? It was death. You didn't like it? You didn't like hanging with Ari and torturing your friends. Back when everybody was cool.

Back when you used to drive up to San Diego, you're beautiful little brother. Here's what it is. Here's what it is. I'm going to tell you what it is. I'm going to tell you what it is. when you when you first okay imagine imagine imagine being at a job like I used to wait tables in San Diego I used to get no pussy I had no future I didn't go to college I'm 21 22 and I have no my cars like

the windows are blasted open I got nothing all right and you'd go to this job you would work really hard and you would get you know you would slay for 10 hours straight slammed at a restaurant and you'd 100 bucks as a tip right you come home you get a burrito you go to sleep and you wake up and you do it again and then you see I had this midget friend I was working with it name is Ben he was a midget and you know what midgets are so cute and so Ben used to get way more pussy than me and I used to go I should I kill myself you know and I had nothing to live for and then one day I walked by the comedy store and there was an open mic and I signed up

and I went up and then nine months later I was opening up for Polly Shore in front of 5,000 people at the Riviera just imagine now from there boom all of a sudden you're performing in front of that many people

Mitzie comes up to me at the end of it we're in Vegas never met her before because you're a regular at all my clubs you're amazing and at that

point now, your life changes. Everything is exciting. Then you're at the comedy store. You show up. You run into guys like Dice Clay, Howie Mendel, whoever it might be. Tell him to talk about it. I was working the door.

I was working the door. At the store. At the store. And Andrew Dice Clay walks up to me. I don't even know him. And he goes, A, Ching, get in the car. He used to call me Ching. Right? He didn't know my name for 10 years. Every time, Ching. And I go, my name is Bobby No, you're Qing.

I go, that's racist. He goes, no, as Chi Ching. You got your money. Right? He tried to switch it up. He flies me first class. I have my comedy store T-shirt done. First class to Las Vegas. Right? And he goes, you're going to be my good look charm. He loses $750,000. How long? in 24 hours.

I'd never see. I mean, imagine having no money. And then what it was fucked up about it is the whole ride over there. He was like, you're going to get 10% of my winning. So in my head is if he makes a million dollars, I'm going to make 100 grand. Right? But now he's down 750. Right?

And he goes, go home. I went home. And he didn't talk to me for years. Were you doing comedy too? Or you were just doing a good look term? No, I didn't know. I just went to Vegas to be as a good look term. And it came home and it was it was I was so depressed for like a year after that

But yeah that's that's the kind of shit that would happen I'd ever tell you that what happened with the Chinese the Chinese sex party Hold on me get a water I get a water no no Chinese sex party is crazy little mushy with the pill the whole thing nice yeah he's getting real lazy with his Edelblous Nice those rappers already open when I get it Yeah, but I did that for a reason.

He doesn't know what I did. Listen. What did you do? Let me explain some. You just took the... You just took a mushroom? No, every day the Mexican government ships in 100 kilos a day. Of what?

Of cocaine. Uh-huh. But they break it up. They ship 60, 30, and then three in tens. 60, 30. 60 and then 333? Yeah, they send 60. And then they send like 4.10.

So 10 kilos on one meal, 10 kilos on the other, 10 kilos in the one meal. And the grand prize is the 60. They work with statistics and percentages. All right. So they get one of those meals gets busted. They lose 10 kilos, but they still get in 90. So it doesn't matter. They include that in the profit.

So today I gave Lee a fucking every day when I have an edible. You see these edibles here? Yeah. They come in a little butterpack. So what I do is I open them and I pop them and I pop them for a purpose because he thinks there's something in him. And I constantly fuck with him. And I fuck with him because he lets me. So if you open that up, look inside

of there. There's a little butter packet. Why do you? I let you? I have the choice. I tell him, listen. I open them and then I put him in there and reseal them. Oh, really? And I don't do nothing to him. So today, last night, I got him with the spray bottle. the water.

I sprayed the fuck and I sprayed this from out to hide on them and some uh these gummies are they good? Delicious. Oh yeah,

you get fucked up. You really do? Yeah. So tonight I sprayed the deactivizer and I hit a Xanax a little caught of Xanax in the bottom.

It was upside down too. He caught the Xanax. He thought he was like an inspector. He thought he was like an FDA inspector. But next thing you know he swallowed the fucking cat tranquilizer. So who gives a fuck?

You know what I'm saying? Keep saying you. He's going to give me chemo pills. I already gave him to you two nights ago. A dentist. Stuff. You said, Lee, you got a girl or what? No, I'm single now.

What happened? We were together for four and a half years, and I'm not ready to get married. Oh, okay. We're still close. We're still friends. But he's been going on on new dates lately. Yeah, he's been dating. He's been hitting new boundaries.

Are you high right now? A little bit, yeah. Yeah, you seem very high right now. Wait until later. Wait till later. Are you getting more high now? Are you getting more high now? Are you getting more high now?

No, no, I'm good. He doesn't want. I want to stop. Whether you were a rat, you keep asking me. You constantly ask me, do you want me another wrong hint? Sure, I got to ask you because you look

a little uncomfortable. Did you eat one of these gummies yet or what? Yeah, that and something else. What do you mean? We had a little mushroom cap. You did? Sure. What's a mushroom cap? Just a little mushroom. And what does that do? Makes you see things. But why do you do that now? On a Monday?

That's the reason why. It's one. Oh, I see. Most part of everybody wants to do shit on Friday. professionals do shit on Monday but we do stuff on Friday too huh we do stuff on Friday I don't see you on Fridays I'm on the road on Friday she did

yeah would you when you do you get high and go on stage or no you wait until afterwards no I get high and go on stage yeah absolutely but lately you know it's funny Bobby really I won't even know comedy for a long time 20 years you said that when you came in here you're on the show them blah blah

and the way you want to get off the road you know what the road is our easiest fucking thing right now I mean the road is pressure because you have to sell that's what the pressure where the pressure comes in. Yeah. But if you take that pressure away,

the road is a lot of fucking fun. You know, since my podcast, that pressure's gone. Before, it would be touch and go. Some places, I'm not selling any tickets. But now, because I have the Tiger Belly fans, they come out, and I make great money, and I get to see my people.

And my people are good people. They're spiritual people. They're fucked up. but they're all like me you know they get half their head shaven you know acne on their face good titties you know they're killing it what are you looking at me like that for

because I learned when I'm talking to you I see the 20 years that I've known you I've seen you grown as a man you're a fucking kid with a fucking skateboard I know the fuck of you to question me I'm not questioning you man you were a kid dude you're only like eight years older than me you were a kid with a skateboard

doing comedy when I met you're a big headed Cuban dude when I met you fucking lit the world on fire. And you got a mad TV. And then you give me pills. And I heard one day you pulled a knife on you were fucking calling Kawasaki some bitches, some motherfuckers on a set, which I thought was hilarious.

Then you took care of yourself and you've been a different man. These are all fucking journeys that people never get to. Well, I started this podcast. The main theme of this podcast, Bobby Lee, was not to look down at people, was to let people know that we could be fucked up and still doing what the fuck you dreamer

you know you know this Netflix special I was fucked up like eight weeks it fucked me up bro were coming up to it it fucked me up coming up to it afterward

it fucked me up kept me up at night a couple nights you know why because I started giving a fuck that's right guys like you and me were comedy store guys yeah we went up there with a plan

but that plan went away And sometimes our balls will come out. Sometimes we take our t-shirts off. Sometimes we turn on the audience. And that's what made Bobby Lee, Bobby Lee, and Joey Diaz, Joey Diaz. You know what happened to me? I saw John Mullaney's stand-up special. Which is pretty good.

He was great writer. Great writer. Yeah. Well, guess what? I'm not John Mullaney. And neither is Bobby Lee. You know why? Because Bobby Lee is Bobby Lee.

Joey Deas is Joey Deas and Joey Deas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, Jim Norton said something once that I thought it was kind of selfish. And now, after it happened to me, I see it's not selfish. He said, I don't try to watch a lot of people specials. And I thought that that was a selfish thing. And now I know why. Because when I watched John Mullaney and his perfection, it destroyed my insides. I'm up there doing some pussy jokes. I'm 55 years old. I'm talking about, you know, some this or that. Yeah, it's colorful, it's cute. But John Mullaney's doing real stand-up comedy.

you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. But now I'm okay. You know why? Why? I'm going to the store from now and exclusively. Yeah. That's it.

That's it. I'm going to die at the store. Good. Even if I go there once a week, it's better than going to any other place for me. Yeah. I've been doing comedy for too long to be fucking around and the store is my home. Yeah, when you see... I'm going to avoid it.

When you see people like that, you know what it is, is that there's different styles, right? It's like you see guys like John Malini. Neil Brennan's a good writer. He's so fucking good. Yeah, they thought it. They can do voices. They do really smart, like high concept pieces. And mine is more guttural.

You know, I'm more like you. You know, I have some things that even some comments go, oh, that's a smart bit. But in general, I do switches and all that. But you know what? Do at the end of the day, it's like I can only do what I do. do, right? I can't be anyone else. So if I look at somebody else and I go, oh yeah, that's great. I just can't do that anyway. Right. But you know what? I'll be honest with you. There are a lot of people that can't do what I do.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah, they people, you know, I can go up there and get a laugh without even saying anything. Right. I could just do like, ooh-o, and little dance or make a sound effects or do a little pose. And people just laugh and I go, you know, I challenge myself every time I go, get a couple of laughs before you even say anything. Challenge yourself. And I've learned how to do it. Where I'll do a wink

and I'll kiss a, you know, do a little to a guy and people will start laughing. You mean? I'll go kukuk, and make a noise, they start laughing. Or I'll do gibberish.

You know what makes Krista Leah laugh when I go, And just sit open that way and people start laughing. So I just do my own thing. And you know what? At the end of the day, people on the internet go

Bobby leaves a loser He hasn't done shit since Matt I read shit right You know he's ugly He's so ugly physically On one of my posts And I read on that stuff And sometimes I just go

Hmm But you know what At the end of the day I'm making a good living I keep working And who's right Who's wrong Who gives a fuck

I don't get And that's what happened now The last couple of times I went up to the street store, I haven't given a fuck. And when I get that car, it feels good. Yeah. It feels good to go on stage

and not give a fuck. You know what? I'm sorry, you paid $25. But if you don't laugh tonight, at least you got to see me. Yeah. And that's what God is all about. Yeah. It's seeing me. It's not seen... You know how scary

it is there to follow you, though? I don't give a... I was... No, I gave a... I was backstage. No, but I was backstage following you. I'm headlining on the I know. I'm just saying, though, you're a beast, bro. Oh, I love it. I love it. No, but when people have to follow you, it's so fucking scary. What comedy store trained, Bobby Lee? What the fuck did you expect?

If I sent you into the Army, that's one thing. But if I take you into the range of training and put you through helicopter and killing with short missiles and killing with small weapons and big weapons and medium-reem weapons, I've created a pretty deadly killer. We've been at the store for 20 years. I don't know if you know this. That makes you a pretty deadly killer. Go home tonight and your project for the next two weeks is to grab a notebook and who you follow them, the people you have learned from in there. Okay.

From Eddie Murphy to Martin Lawrence. Lee, are you okay? Yeah. He's fine. Yeah, but you just seem like you're drifting in and out of our talk on. That's the thing. I know, but you looked over there and then you started thinking about something. He's my little retarded.

Yeah, but he's not, are you retarded? No, no. He's just hot. I haven't been tested here, but I think I'm okay. I get some tranquil life. Yeah, but you get, oh, you're all googly-eyed right now. Yeah, yeah, I gave him 100 milligrams. He's fine.

Yeah, he's a good man, but it's just weird, and it's great though. The other than I walked in, and I'm watching you, and like I said, I just saw Seymour. I did not know you were going to be on that show. I just needed a spot. I wanted to get out of the house, so I called him, and there you were, and I'm like, let me watch this motherfucker, and I was laughing.

And that night I drove home, and I'm like, this is amazing. I don't know if he, knows how lucky we are. No, I now know. I now know. I now know. And I believe, this is what I really believe, that we, our generation, is now hitting a stride.

I can see it. Oh, yeah. Because when I was struggling, it was you, me, Ari Shafir, all of those guys, Callin, right? And now we've all hit this podcast world, which is opened us up, man. It really has. I mean, I'm on a show, but that's because, you know, I have my podcast. I have my shit going. But like five years ago, there was a drought. I couldn't get nothing going. Even on the road, it wasn't happening. Right. I was like, but now selling out, getting shit. And it's all because my generation, which is you, we're doing this podcast shit, revealing ourselves, saying things that we shouldn't be saying. But still, like, this is the most free. thing I've ever done in my career, which is this podcast

shit. I love it. I love it too, dude. Because we get to be together as a family. I get to see your little fucking Cuban titties sticking out of that white shirt. You like that? Not really, no. What are you going to do? I want to be comfortable. I'm not going to do nothing, but your tities are sticking out. Two blocks around the corner.

A tuxed on and begus. Look at his little fucking little tities there. He's fucked up. He's got the fucking... He's got little good tities, huh? He's got the... What's the guy that killed Tupon? Biggie? Yeah, you got Biggie's little white titty.

No, no. What's it? What's he got? It's in jail. I don't know. Shugnight. Shugnard night, yeah. Bobby Lee, you're at Helium in Portland this week. And then where are you out after that?

I'm done. I'm shooting my show. Second season. Silling up together. Where can people find you? Tiger Belly, my podcast, and Bobby Lee live on all my socials, man. Is Tiger Belly on iTunes?

It's on iTunes, all things, comedy, the whole thing. Listen, it's always a pleasure seeing you think. I love you. the right up here. I love it. I love you that. Don't forget, you filthy fucking animals. Kansas City, August 9th to the 11th.

It's going to be a fucking hoot. Thursday night's the night. We're going to get this party started with a lot of fucking tutturuts and tutzit. You know what I'm saying? Lee, you're all right over there. You don't look good. You're looking pale. Number one, let me explain something to you people.

Blue Apron delivers is a... Listen, forget about what they deliver. Blue Apron's mission is to make incredible home cooking accessible to everyone. Blue Apron achieves this by supporting a more sustainable food system, setting the highest standards for ingredients and building a community of home chefs. Now, Lee, you got some, what would you get last time? Last time I got these Philly Cheese Steaks, a Korean beef, rice bowl,

and a pasta dish that she was delicious. Every night my girlfriend makes me make me Blue Apron. It's the best product out there. It's the best product out there. Let me tell you what the menu is this week. You got Chrissy Teigen's Chipotle, lime chicken fajitas with sauteed mushrooms and sweet peppers. You got barbecue, Vesible, flat bread with Swiss cheese. Oh my God.

And a customer favorite, sweet chili beef with vegetable stir fry with garlic rice. And are you ready for this one? Honey Chipotle glazed chicken with Poblano and lime rice. This is what I'm talking to. Not to talk to you people about. Skip the meal planning and get straight to cooking with Blue Apron. You understand me? and smoking depth to your dinner while enjoying the warm weather

and getting those perfect grill marks with incredible ingredients and chef-designed recipes. Blue Apron lets you see the power of what food can do, all right? Listen, it's delicious. So what I want you to do is check out this week's menu, like I told you. I'm going to give you your first three meals for free at blue apron.com slash Joey. Again, that's blue apron.com slash Joey. We offer you 12 new recipes each week.

and a customer can pick two, three, or four recipes based on what fits their schedule. Blue Apron only sends GMO non-ingredients with meat with no added hormones. So again, go to blueapen.com slash Joey. That's blueapen.com slash Joey to get your first three meals free. Blue Apron, it's a better way to cook. Number two, let me tell you something. You have stickers. Hiring used to be hard.

Multiple job sites. stacks of resumes, a confusing review process. But today, hiring can be easy. And you have to go to one place to get it done. You ready for this one? Ziprecruiter.com. What'd you say, Joey? Ziprecruiter.com. Who's there at the door? ZipRecruiter.com. ZipRecruiter sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards, but they don't stop there with their powerful matching technologies. ZipRecruiter scans thousands of resumes. to find people with the right experience and invite them to apply to your job.

That's what I'm trying to tell you. As applicants come in, ZipRecruiter analyzes everybody and spotlights the top candidates so you never miss a great match. All right. ZipRecruiter is so effective that 80%, again 80%,

again 80% of employees who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site. You ready for this one? Within one day. That's crazy. That's crazy.

That's how. great ZipRecruiter is. So what I want you to do is this. All right. With the results like that, it's no wonder ZipRecruiter is the highest rated hiring site in America. That's right. You heard it here in the church. The highest rating hiring site in America. Right now, the church family, it cries ZipRecruiter for free. Gratiss. Nothing at this exclusive web address. I want you to go to ziprecruiter.com slash church. It's that easy. ZipRecruiter.com slash church. See H-R-C-R-C-H, ZipRecruiter.com slash church.

ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hide. Again, I want to thank Blue Apron. I want to thank ZipRecruiter, and I want to thank my main man, Bobby Lee, my brother-in-arms, my fucking comedy Marine brother from the stores for gracing us with his presence. I love you.

I love you. Portland, don't forget about my little brother up there in fucking, at the Helium Comedy Club. Say hello, tell him that you see him. heard him on the church. And don't forget, motherfuckers, the ninth I'll see you at the improv in Kansas City. Kick that fucking Mule Lee. Stay black, Bobby Lee. Thank you for making it out to that, brother. I love you.

Into a smoke.