The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #603 - Eric Rocha

Episode Date: July 25, 2018

Eric Rocha, stand up comedian, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:    Hims - Go to ForHims.com/joey for a trial month of everything you need to keep your hair - for just $5 while supplies last.   
MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 15% off of your order of first order with free shipping in the US and Canada.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 07/24/2018.
  

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slash Joey again. That's meandies.com slash joy for the best pair underway you're ever going to have. Kick this motherfucker mulee. Wednesday July 26th, 2018. It's an anniversary of something. I did something. I mugged somebody on this date

because I'm happy. I just can't remember. This date always rings his bell. Here you go. Churchill, what's happening now, you bad motherfuckers? Oh shit. Are you fucking nuts or what? You know what he's saying? He wants to fuck his fucking buddy's girlfriend.

Here we go. I got to think about this. This is fucking tremendous. A little heck to LeValle. On a Wednesday morning, are you fucking kidding me or what? I got my man Eric Roker, Rocha, whatever the fuck you want to call him. And I got the Christ killer the original.

Oh shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. And that means I want you to call me Poppy. Oh, shit. That means I want you to call me Poppy. That's like telling you, I love it when you call me Big Papa only in Puerto Rican. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, my God. We got Eric Roach in the house. You got my main man, Lysayat. You're asking me, Joe, who the fuck is Eric Roach? We're going to find that right now. I'm going to tell you the reasons why I have my mom. the podcast. What's happening?

You're good. You're solid. I'm doing great. Yeah. Beautiful. It's been a great week so far. Eric, what's happened, brother?

Not much, man. I'm happy to be here. Thank you so much. This is fucking awesome. You, we're going to tell the story slowly. We're going to get into this. I want to introduce you to the world. I saw you singing for the choir.

And I thought you were a fucking savage. I'm like, this kid's a fucking savage. Nobody's seen this fucking kid. And when I did my Netflix thing up at the store, I had you come up that Sunday night and you'll leveled them with Lee. And there's a lot of topics, you know, I fucking, I'm old, Eric. I'm getting old.

And I have a lot of my mind. And I forget things. And I digest things a lot differently than most people. When Lee says something to me, I'll come back with a rebuttal to him two weeks later. And he'll go, like, what the fuck are you talking about? And I go, that thing you said that night, I totally agree with you. I'm the one that fucked up. I'm one of those people that always

will come to you and you'll go what the fuck that was two weeks ago why'd you ask me about that now because I processed it at 4 in the morning one night in a dream and I woke up and said why would fucking Eric say something like this male how long have you been doing comedy for it?

Five years. Five, yeah. In April it was five. Where'd you start? I did, let me see, in New York I worked for Caroline's literally like two days and then I couldn't fucking do it. It was, I still have a check

for 60 bucks that I never fucking picked up. Never. Were you a door man? I was answering the phones. Yep. That was how I got to meet Mooney. That was how I was answering phones and that guy's his ticket sales would

fucking, it was impossible to keep up with it. So you would just answer the phone and be like, thank you for calling Caroline's and then please hold. And what would happen was if you had to screen the calls so you would get a shit ton of people calling for Paul Mooney. But then Every once in a while that guy's wife would fucking sneak through, and you had to catch it or else you put it through.

And you were fucked. Oh, whoa, well, that's catch back to it. Now, where were you originally from? Where'd you grow up? Colorado. What part of Colorado? It's northeast the plains area. Like fucking farm town.

Remember Greeley? Greeley, yes. It's like an hour from that. So an hour north of Greeley. Yep. That's fucking crazy. Greeley smells so bad. Get closer to the mic.

Get closer to the mic. Get closer to the mic. Get closer to the mic. Like it's Tuesday night. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, Greeley. really was my second comedy gig. Really?

Second comedy gig at the longest running one-nighter in history, one of the top five, longest-lasting one-nighters in history. Because I heard it was still running up to a couple of years ago, and it was there 10 years before I started. Jesus. So that's 30-some years. It was a one-nighter booked by a guy named Bill Bauer

on Thursday nights who ran a motorcycle shop. Every Thursday? every Thursday and the ceiling was real low so if you jumped you'd bang your head on the ceiling the place is great it was like they have like pictures of like singers behind you

the ugliest artist like the worst artist in the world was a picture of Jimmy Hendricks there was a picture of Janice Joplin and there was a picture of Bob Marley behind you and you did comedy how are the audiences there fucking great it's a college town on top of that it's where the Broncos

practice that do something spring training or whatever the fuck for yeah we used to go every year my mom was a huge fucking broncos fat my uncles hated and but mom love him we go every summer so now you're in greeley colorado let's assume how old were you till you stayed in colorado i moved to new york when i was 18 what made you want to move to new york out of college now you graduated in high school was comedy on the radar at 18 no to be honest i got into a conservatory in new york because I wanted to do theater. I was a theater nerd.

So I went there and I loved it. I loved the theater and just living in New York for, I lived there for like four years and just pounding the pavement auditions and shit like that. But then comedy was always something in my life. Like I was raised by my grandpa and I found his Richard Pryor tapes. And when I found those, it was like something forbidden. I fucking loved it. That was the introduction into comment.

Tapes, albums, CDs. It was here and now. I remember that one. It was here and now, and it was greatest hits. Like an A track. Yeah. It was fucking, and I remember, like, you'd have to sneak to listen to it. Yeah.

That and, like, Eddie Murphy's delirious. Do you remember the language the first time you heard that language, how your head felt? The first time you heard, not from your parents, because you heard it from your parents. but not used a way of stand-up, especially Richard Pryor, twisted around. Have you watched that comedy on CNN, that series? No, I started, but I didn't get to finish. The other night, they had just about dirty comedy

as I was walking in the door, and it was brilliant. It was Red Fox doing all his albums. That's why I want to go back to albums, because that's my, I grew up on albums, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Look at this, and the hand comes out over here. Look at this. It's like Cousin it.

Then I take the lights off and blast it this way. Just a little side angles to make it go up. I think so you could hold it for an hour. What happened to hold it? I was thinking about it. I was thinking about it, but what the fuck is? We're all here. We're all generally.

A weak colon now. All right. So you listen. Who else did you listen to as a young? I listened to. I listened to Red Fox. Everybody he had I would listen to. So you got to wash your ass that one.

Oh my God. Eddie Murphy Delirious was another one because I didn't even listen much James Brown. But when I heard him do James Brown, it was the fact that a grown man could do that with his voice. And I was like, how the fuck is he making that sound? That, uh, hey. No, that's a lyric. That's James Brown need a lyric. I said, ooh, that's good.

That and like the barbecue. Like just the pictures that that. guy could fucking paint and so it worked backwards though because like I said my dad was a piece of shit so it was my grandpa that raised me and he let me just listen to whatever the fuck I wanted and I was like I want I want to listen to that and it was Richard Pryor so I'd put it it was actually cassette tape that's what I remember one of them was greatest hits because it was an 8 track the other one was here and now I think that was the cassette tape and he'd do mudbone mud bone and that that was when like we were talking about one time outside outside fourth wall because you were talking

to lee about don't go don't you go down there fucking with them jews without no money oh my god that's the funniest that's and i remember that because in a weird way that that brought me back to when i was a kid and i was like there was only one person who was like in their 30s when i was a kid and i heard them say that don't you go down there fucking them jews without no money and i knew right then I was like oh fuck like to me that that was just how you judge people that you liked on on what they knew what how much prior shit do they know do they know like uh the you know everybody knows one nigga that drinks always gets fucked up he always wants to fight you remember that one right the oh he never wins a fight but he always wants to fight and just the way that

he would do that was just a picture was fucking there and I was just this little kid and that was that alone was hilarious to me now you're listening to all this how did you end up a theater geek um honestly i don't i don't know i i realized that you could what the fuck was this movie i saw like american beauty i think it was and i remember because it was a pretty conservative town and the way that he looked at that cheerleader because he wanted a fucker really bad i remember thinking like that shit's true like i see my friends their parents doing that shit. And so when I saw that on a movie,

everybody in our town hated that fucking movie. And I was like, oh, it's so true, though. So for some reason, I was like, okay, I like what good movies can do. Good movies can kind of bring to light a truth. Just like when I saw Goodfellas. And like, you know, the fucking, he starts laughing and then he just stops laughing.

And everybody just comes. kind of cower's. I was like, fuck, that shit actually happens in, in scary rooms like that. So, I don't know, it was, it was something like that that I loved was just the ability to to ask questions like that and to just kind of poke truth. So I guess that's why I like comedy too was, you know, when I was probably middle school, I found out about George Carlin. And it was specifically the, you were all diseased. And it was that night when he was, he, I remember seeing the HBO thing and he said, um, if there is a god, if there is, may he strike this audience dead.

And I remember my grandma was like fucking livid. And I couldn't believe he'd fucking said that. And that was when I learned that standup could be fucking dangerous like that. Because it was like, this guy is talking about shit that he should not be talking about. So I grew up Catholic. So I went to church that, that next. day we were in catechism and i started asking question like how do we know there's a god yeah and and people were like what what the fuck what you're talking about and i was like well i mean think about

they they've got us believing this and and we don't know we really don't and he me like and i was a fucking kid i didn't know what the fuck i was taught all i knew was hearing him and all of the points that he was making and i think it's it's been that way ever since like just comics that can be funny and that talk about shit that makes you think a little bit differently. And I mean, we talk about that.

Like, that's the goal. But to actually do it and be in the room with somebody when they're doing that shit was, it was just amazing. It was like,

wow, I want to do this. Where's the closest comedy club? Because I went early. I went in, like, high school, I think,

to a comedy club. Really? See, I didn't go till college. Now, where'd you go to college? It was the American Musical and Dramatic Academy.

And that was in New York. What was the first comedy club you went to? It was Carolines on Broadway. Okay. And who was on stage? It was Paul Mooney. It was to go watch him. So you knew, how did you discover Paul Mooney?

Chappelle. Chappelle show when he did the Mooney on movies, and they would do the synapsis about what the movie was about. And then the camera would just pan on him, and he just shaped, like that fucking grin that he had, Nope, that was a movie that offended me and then he would talk about you know what was a Brad Pitt he's the last or no Tom Cruise he's the last samurai and then he did last Samurai okay the Mexican with Brad Pitt and then he goes I've got one how about the last nigger on

Earth starring Tom Hanks how about that it was fuck just the the the cockiness and you felt like you were in the room with that guy and Negro Damos and and all of that shit And so I was like, my mom went out to visit me. I was like, we should see this guy because he used to write for prior. Now, how did you look him up? It was just New York. Like, I knew Caroline's on Broadway because I was a huge fan of David Tell and like the New York circuit like that.

And that was kind of how I started getting into comedy. It was just listening to comedy albums. And, yeah, my mom was in town and she was like, what do you want to do? And I was like, we should go to a comedy club. And he happened to be there. He was the last, he was the last one on that night. Yep.

Yeah, exactly. Midnight show. So I was like, well, if we can stay up, why don't we go see this? Because this guy used to write for Richard Pryor.

He was on Chappelle's show. He's really funny on the show. Let's go watch him. And it, it was otherworldly. Like, I don't think I'll ever be that fucking good. Like,

walking out of there. I was like, how the fuck does somebody do that? I just, I couldn't believe, because he just sat in the chair. He sat in the chair and he had the microphone and he just, he just sat there. And he looked at everybody and it was so. Personal. Yeah.

It felt like we were just in his house or on his porch just, and he was talking about people. It, it changed me. It was like, this guy's making us see everything. And it's so different. Like being in the room with Mooney was nothing like, like what you saw. on TV because even when we walked out, I was with my fucking mother and my mother looked at me and she's like,

I've never seen anything like that. Never. You know, because she grew up on the planes and we're, you know, that's what, so when she saw Paul Mooney and then later on, she actually got to meet him because I was like, we would ask if we could stay and watch

his show when you were answering phones and he would go, oh yeah, brother, whatever you got to do. And he just fucking walked down and we'd sit in the back and we just watch him. And to watch him work was like... So how many times did you watch him on Carolines? I total, it was four.

And what did you think? Had you been on stage yet? No. Were you thinking about it? Oh yeah. Watching him salivating and watching him. Watching him do it it looked so fucking easy.

You're like, look at how relaxed he is. Look at how personable he is. Like, yeah, it's it's so easy and then you fucking do it and you're like and not just like an hour but he would do like an hour and 20

an hour and 30 you never knew when he was done like I don't even think he knew when he was done he just he would just get up and he'd fucking walk there was no closer no there was it was just like I gotta get out of here yeah it was just like that yeah he'd pick up his bag

and put it over himself and he's like I gotta go good night that wouldn't be one black person the audience he goes you niggas are stuck the ball of me and he would just walk off the fucking stage with his little bottle of champagne he would get the midget bottle of champagne yep he wouldn't go on stage unless he had a midget bottle of champagne now well how long did it take you to get on stage after you saw poor moody uh when i came to l.a um so now you're in new york how long i was in new york for four years and you didn't get on stage at all i got on like once or twice it was nothing

I could actually say, oh, look, I'm doing stand-up. It was, I got to try this. Where'd you go? Where'd you go? It was somewhere in Queens. I lived on Dittmarz and Steinway, and there was some Chinese bistro that had a fucking open mic. And literally, you just stood, like, on a box.

And it was like, okay. And they'd point at you, like, do, go. And you'd fucking do it. And people were eating, and they were annoyed that you were fucking in there. And the mic, you know, the mic, you could barely hear it. So you'd speak into it. And then they turned it up and it'd be too loud. It was fucking, it was miserable.

Any dream I had of doing stand-up in New York, I was like, this is fucking awful. I will never do this shit. Ever. I went back to New York and I was like, I don't know about this. It took me nine months. That was a beating. That was an emotion. So you're there four years.

You pick up, you come here. Now what? Then a buddy was doing a farewell show. And he was moving to Boston. And he's like, hey, I know you've done stand-it before. He's like, do you want to get on stage? I'll give you three minutes. And it was at, I think it was at Flappers.

So I was like, ah, let me think about it. And he's like, well, think about it. So I don't even remember when the fuck that was, but I went up and I did, I end up doing five. And it went really fucking well. What really happened was, I was waiting to go up. I was nervous. and Whitney Cummings had walked in and she's like hey I was wondering if I could do a drop in

and they were like okay when do you want to go I'll go this I'll go here and it happened to be I had to follow her and I was pissed and I was like guys I can't fucking do this like and they're like dude just don't don't worry about it we'll put one guy in front

of you and I was like I alright fine fuck it so she goes on and she fucking crushed she crushed she crushed guy went on he crushed and then they threw me on and I don't know what what compelled me to do it but I just looked at everybody I was like well I'm fucking sorry I go what do you want from me and I go I'm a faggot up here trying to make you guys laugh what do you want and I looked at one guy I was like you're kind of cute and that that changed it like that for some reason that won the

room over and I started ragging on Whitney Cummings because I was like why the fuck did she have to pick tonight. I was like, she's brilliant. Why did she pick tonight, though? And I was like, fuck her. And I did that. And everybody started laughing. And it was funny because I saw her and I was like, oh my God, I fucking love you. She's like, no, it's comedy. Don't worry about it. I thought it was funny. It got the crowd. And that was what was amazing was it was like, okay. So I did well, well enough to come back and then it was just fucking bomb after bomb after bomb

it was miserable yeah after you win the 3,000 and you come back and it's like yeah you win 3,000 and you give them 92,000 that's Las Vegas that's comedy do you know why you're sitting in this room

with us tonight I don't I will be fucking honest that really really really makes me laugh anymore I started going to the fourth wall to support my friend Lee and I saw you one night on stage. I didn't bring you here.

I did not say anything about gay or anything. My respect for you is as a comic. But since we're talking about it, we'll open up that door because you were also raised in Colorado, which I was in Colorado in 83, and it wasn't cool to be talking about Adam and Steve. You know what I'm saying?

You couldn't just talk about Adam and Steve in Colorado. I knew about it, you know what I'm a hip. I know it's cracking in the gay community, but, you know, you can't just say that in 1983 in a cowboy bar. Although those cowboys are the biggest fucking, they love to get their dick sucked. And they'll let anybody suck their dick. And then they'll call you a beater the next day. You fucking beiner? Yeah.

And then you'll say, you didn't call me a beena when I was swallowing your jizz last night. He's lying. I was drinking 3.2B. I got fucked up. I didn't know. I didn't even know he was a beiner. I'm writing them over by mistake. They're fucking crazy.

Tell me I'm lying. Tell me I'm lying, Eric. I've been all over Colorado. I'll go visit and I'll turn on my grinder. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, like, they're all over the fucking place. But they never have a face picture. No, no, no. Craig, Colorado, all those.

There's men in those towns that dying to get fucked. And you know what they have to do? They have to do a crime. And they go to jail in Canyon City. They just go over to Loo. They go right over in Canyon City. to the gay wing and now they have an excuse. Well, I belong to him. No, you

always belong to somebody. You just didn't know it yet. You just didn't fucking know it. Colorado, if you want to be gay, you got to go to prison. That's where they bust you out finally. Once you come out, you come out, you come out, you come out, that one. You know what I'm saying? With a talk show. Oh, shit. It's fucking, I lived in Colorado when it was

raw. But don't they, like, it's not going to be just gay people having, like, fun sex in prison. Isn't it going to be like the kinds that you don't only want like the guys? No, you want sons of anarchy kind? Well, that's what you want.

You want dirty dicks and, you know. Is that what you want her? No, there's two types of gay people. There's three types of gay people. There's three types of gay people. There's three types of gay guys. There's some guys that love hookers and don't eat a hooker's asshole. And they don't give a fuck or she fucked 20 guys in the ass and crack.

There's people that'll share their wives. There's different strokes with different folks. That's what makes the world unique. They're so progressive doing. No, what are you going to do at 53? At 55, what are you going to do? When I was 18 and somebody asked me if I wanted around the world the first time, like a hooker told him, like a guy told me, you know you go and get it in the around the world.

I was petrified. You know the way Lee gets about edibles? Like when I call them up and time we're going to do heroin? Same thing. When somebody would talk to me about doing it around the world, like, are you fucking crazy? What does that mean? You're going to lick my ass, lick my balls, and try to make out with me. That's not going to happen.

Even if I take 20 showers. You know why? Because if you've done it with me, you've done it with 20 animals. You know what I'm saying? You've done it with you. 20 animals so what you like blow jobs what was that about when i was young the dog the catholicism i was just about to tell eric this that guys let's be honest from the fucking zero grade to fifth grade i drank the juice i was all in i would not i was not going to let a priest molest me but i drank the juice

let's be honest i believed in jesus i believed in this holy spirit i believed yeah i went to my buddy going into the fifth grade, a lot of shit started happening. Bruce Lee died. Once Bruce Lee died, the form of immigrants left. So now we were free again. We didn't have a leader again.

In 68, when Bruce Lee came out, everybody had a voice that didn't have a voice anymore. The word bully wasn't used, but it was the same thing. There was no more bullies. For immigrants, for men, now we had something. We had this power.

The other night was Bruce Lee's 45th anniversary Friday night. That night, it was Lee's birthday. And I felt really bad, but I got home that night, and they were playing The Crow on TV at like 7.30. And it messed me up so much like they remembered that I put on Fist to Fury. I put on Chinese connection. To me, it's Chinese connection. And can you find the Dojillo?

D'Jocene and Chinese connection. I mean, this is, this is going to freak you out. Just pushing dojo scene, because nobody really understands this. And I talked about it on Rogan. Nobody understands this what you're about to see. You know, I was a kid like you raised in a Latin home. The thing about me is my mom was, I'm not being politically incorrect tonight, my mom was what you consider in the late 60s of fact hag.

my mom did business with a lot of gay men because that was the drug business but this scene right here changed America forever Fist of Fury his first movie the third one see they call it Fist of Fury

but it's really it got released here as the Chinese connection and this this changed America forever they had just gone to his school and said that Chinese This is when the Chinese people were held down by the Japanese people. And they gave him a picture.

And on that picture, it says, sick men of Asia. You never seen this, Eric? No. This changed America forever. Look at his body language. Well, he ain't here. What do you want it? This changed America forever.

I broke out into tears. Like, I'm about to break into theater right now. This changed America forever. If you were black, if you were Chinese, if you were any minority that you were, you fell into it right here, your life changed. This was the little guy sticking up for the big guy. Yeah, yeah, right. Oh, I see. You can take this from me and then get out of here.

So I bring a picture back to your house. Whenever you're ready, I'll take on any Japanese here. This changed America forever. This, the Clint Eastwood movies, you never heard the word bully. Watch what this dummy says to Bruce Lee So you want to see how good you are Then you must be tired of living Well

We fight alone We're all together It'll just take me to show you This changed America guys Because the first one Wasn't that publicized I'm watching this Friday night Tears are coming out of my eyes

I'm thinking about my childhood what I thought life was This kick changed The history of fucking America Watch this kick Eric It's perfect Bam bam

Over Lights out Everybody in the movie theater Went crazy when this happened right here This was the introduction of You're never gonna fuck with me again This was it This was 1971

That's it We had a voice now. This was the commercial, Eric. You would lose your mind. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? And I know we discussed this before. There he's got doubt. You can see it. Look at this. Look at this. But this is the best. Watch this guys. Watch this. What's this. What's this? Double punch. Bam. Orchestrated. Now watch this. This is the best. Watch his hand as he flies over. Watch this. This is the best. Watch this is the best. This is the best. thing I've ever seen. I didn't catch this till the other night. So he throws the two dummies.

Then they kick him in the back. Watch when he does the roll when he picks up. Boom. Boom! With his hand. And he's got a pair of new chugs. And America is a complete different fucking country. Right now, if you're fucking eight years old, you're at the movie theater, losing, your mind's about to blow up. Look at them. Are you fucking nuts? Fire. No editing. This is terrible. They repeat it. the same scenes. They were like, go. And he started all over again.

Look, a shitty blood pellets. It didn't matter. Right there. That was it. Everybody in the movie, they just went. What the fuck was this? Look at those eyes. Look at them.

Nobody said chink anymore after they saw this movie. They were like, that's it. We're done. Look at them. Wacking people for no reason. Are you fucking kidding me? Do you guys understand me that this was it? I'm a Catholic kid.

Now he breaks the glass because these two Japanese told them that if somebody could beat him, they'd eat those words. Watch this. These two guys actually went to Bruce Lee's school and said, if somebody could beat us from the school, we'll eat the words.

Watch Bruce Lee. This time you're eating paper. The next time it's going to be glass. This is it. This is it. You left that movie theater. You went home and challenged your father. You were like, Dad, it's over. You never yelling at that mom again. I'll bust your fucking head. Watch this. Look at this. Look at this one here. This is when he actually, at the end, he goes to the school and he walks in there. This is the last scene. This is like the last one. Watch what he says to these motherfuckers.

I'm here to this guy. avenge my teacher. It's none of your business, so get out. I'm allowing you to leave. Go, uh, go, uh, go, uh, go, uh, go! I like it better than I'm being dubbed. This is violence.

This is, this is, this is too much. This is, this is too much. This is too much for a kid to handle. Why they got PTSD? Look at this. Watch him jump over the table, Eric. Watch this. steps on the guy's forehead.

Are you kidding me? And you wonder why I'm fucked up? Watch this. Flying sidekick over the table. Are you fucking kidding me? They don't even do shit like this no more. Who throws a table? Who throws a table?

That's an animal. Right here, you're losing your mind. And I used to watch these at the midnight movie. I had to be eight, seven. Were you and your buddies fighting each other in the aisles? We would be just sitting there. With our mouths open, drooling. I'll call fucking Sebelio Pino right now

and let him tell you how crazy we used to go. Watch these. Me, him, retarded Mike, we had to get Mike. He had to be 24, but he thought he was like 11. We didn't give a fuck. We let him hang with us. He let him punches in the stomach and shit like that. We didn't give a fuck.

We may believe he was like our uncle. Yeah, he's our uncle. He's all right. That's how you got into R-rated movies? Yeah. Like this. Watch all this shit. This is, they can't do this anymore.

It's terrible with the sword. I love when people say all this negative shit about Bruce Lee because they didn't really know what he stood for. He stood for this. Watch this, brother. Watch this, though. This is the goods right here. When he lifts the guy up and just bitch-slaps,

that's the way to do it. This was the mentality I had as a kid. That was it. this was it there was no peanut allergies there was no fucking kids with sensitive ears that's it

what he stands for he stands for killing people he stood for this movie's about him getting tormented in the beginning they kill his teacher and then they fucking abuse him they got they shing goes to a fucking school yeah to make a stand

this movie was supposed to be something that happened like in 1940 in Japan how to Japanese treated to Chinese there's one scene when he goes to the zoo and it says

you know no dogs are Chinese a lot on the war and he kicks the fuck out of some Japanese people but that's on the point of this conversation I was a Catholic like you

came from the Spanish house and when I got thrown out of Catholic school I went to public school and I started to listen to Richard Pryor and one day we had to go to catechism

on front When I first got to McKinley in the sixth grade, on Fridays you had two options. You got off at one, you could be able to the ecology club and go pick up garbage on the street, which I was not doing. Or you could go to Catechism and walk there by yourself. Which meant you could get high, we'd get a six pack of beer, we could stop at the fucking season. Roebuck and shoplift. What grade is this? This is sixth grade.

Oh, good. Yeah. No, it was all the kids from North Bergen that would be allowed to, so all the kids from, from other districts like Franklin and Kennedy School, they would take buses, public transportation. So they would get let loose and won those animals. And I don't remember the priest's name, and we would go to Holy Something.

And again, it's next to a theater with George Carlin played across the four-star diner, which we were talking about the other day, and it was right there. That's the name of the theater is the Park Place. But in there, there's like a Catholic something, and we would have to go in there. for Catholic, for Catholic, catechism.

And one day, some New Jersey guy raised his hand, and he's like, Father, can I ask you something? How do I know what you're telling me? Boshit? And we started laughing. He threw us out. He goes, get the fuck out. We're like, fuck you, too.

And we're like, fuck you, fuck you, too, Padre. He's like saying, fuck you to us. We're like, fuck you. The rest of the kids, like, fuck you, Padre. Like, 11 of us got up and left. We all went to the four-star diner. And I don't, that's why I made my confirmation when I was 30 years old. St. Michael's Center?

St. Michael's is in Union City on 16th Street. I used to go there, too. I played C.Y.O. basketball for them. But, you know, I was raised with all these Catholicism things, of things that you're not supposed to say and do and rules and shit like this. Now, we have a second part to add to this conversation. which is your situation, which is you are gay. So now you're living in Colorado.

You're 15 years old. Did you already have desires for men? What were you thinking? At that point, yeah, because you start to realize shit's different. And it's like, okay, you know, you have guys that are dating chicks. They're fucking feeling girls up and all that other shit. And, I mean, I tried, but it was like, ah. I don't know.

There's something fucking different. And then I was like, yeah, I don't know. And then you watch Home Improvement. You're like, oh, fucking Jonathan Taylor Thomas. That's an interesting looking guy right over there. And immediately you're like, oh, shit, I'm fucked up. Something's broken. And it's some weird shit.

You're like, okay, fuck. Because I was, I loved being Catholic. I loved it. It made sense. I remember, are you sitting next to my grandpa at church? We would eat. I remember he would take the host and he would save just a little bit and he would sneak me some because I always wondered what that, what that cracker tasted like.

And he was like, yeah, here, here. And the thing of it was, it was a, we used to go on Saturday nights and then we'd go eat. And that was like a big thing for him. He had like an altar of all these fucking candles. And it was just something that, you know, if somebody died, you know, you went and you prayed for them And you did all of that. So when that happens, you're like, oh, shit, what the fuck's going on? I always have a candle.

I have candles at the house. Absolutely. I light a candle for you. I'll light a candle for you. Yeah. And so you, you don't mind me asking what happened to your parents? My mom, the crazy thing is. I mean, you're tight with your mom, obviously.

You were raised by grandpa. So he wasn't paying bills. Like, I don't know the exact story. or they were together and shit like that. And what I remember, because I asked my mom, I'm like, so what is going on with this guy? And to be fair, his family, like his mom and his dad were fucking great to me. They wanted to be a part of it.

But what ended up happening was he was saying like, shit like, like, oh, yeah, I got to go into work. And what he would do is he was smooth. He would go to the park and he'd get high with his friend. And my mom would have to go to work. But the thing if it was was she'd come home and she'd find like final notice of shit. like I fucking I gave you money to to pay this why isn't this paid and I don't know and she kindly she finally like followed him one day and she found out what he was doing she followed him

for a while and she'll talk about it to this day about when she got the courage to leave him and what that process was like because she's like every day I would move something she's like if I had like the hamper full of clothes I'd move it to mom and dads she's like and then I just come and be regular she's like I still remember you in your little fucking your little cradle that she would carry me around it. And she's like, so every day I'd move just a little bit of shit. And she's like, and then one day I called my brothers,

we got all this shit and we left. I don't talk about this shit a lot like to anybody. So this, if I've seen nervous, that's the reason why. No, no, no, no. Nobody fucking... Because you talk about your mother, but you're also speaking about your grandfather. So I'm just a little... Not really confused, but I'm just curious

maybe your mother did time. A couple of years. I left you with grandpa. And she came on and you guys. Kendall you know I'm not here the judge no no no no he's drawing a picture in my head it's a different it's just I I never really talked about it's your grandpa was your dad yeah absolutely love him is he still with us uh no he he passed away in 97 okay and then my uncle barry took he took over and that guy fucking died like two years ago I think it is now a year and a half ago so wanting a dad and wanting like a father figure.

Like, you know, not to blow smoke up your ass, but like, honestly, like, when you start coming around on the fourth wall, it was like, okay, you would, you would say something, and I would think about it, and it would percolate in my head. I'd be like, fuck, you know what? Yeah, I should try this. I should, I should try this. And I'd try it, and it would work. And I'd be like, fuck, how did you know that?

How do you know that? So I'd ask you a question again. I didn't want to fucking bother you, but I'd ask you question again. and then I get the fuck out of there. I don't know if you remembered that. I would talk to you a little bit and then I'd get the fuck out. Well,

because I'd be like, I got to try this. This is one thing I have. I don't, I'm not book smart. I don't know about sleep or voting or cells or anything like that. I do know about the human mind.

I know about human compassion. I know about hustle. And I know about pain. And I was going through a rough time, guys. I was going to try. a really rough time. Stand-up-wise.

Stand-up-wise, I was at a, you know, Bobby Lee two days ago last night, said I can't leave town because I was in a precipice. That something might happen. Let me tell you something, bro. Six months ago, last January, last December and November, I was at a precipice of maybe having a nervous breakdown. I don't know what a nervous breakdown consists of. You know, we had a podcast here about depression,

and Lee started seeing somebody in a hurry, and I didn't feel those things. I just felt something was lacking. Now, here's a guy that I'm not blowing smoke up my ass. I'm a headliner. You know, I've earned everything I've gotten. Yes, I've done movies, I've done this and it. And something just didn't taste right.

I didn't know who to take it to... And as you guys know at home, I'm too fucking much of a prick to go to a psychotherapist or psychiatrist. Because I believe that, we should work things out on our home. That's what makes us stronger. I think that a piece of paper and a pen and a lot of thought and some reefer or whatever gets you to that place

to identify your situation is. So one night, instead of going to the comedy store and hanging out with Tom Pop and Joe Rogan and all these people, I said, I want to do something. I want to go back and start all over again. I want to do a science experiment because I am a walking science experiment. Since I got off cocaine 10 years ago, that's all I've been doing this.

experimenting. I don't know how I got to here. So I have to figure out the formula to how the fuck did I get here? So I tagged along with Lee and I went to the fourth wall and it was the best thing I ever did in my life because I got to see you guys. You guys want what I got what I got. And guess what? I want what you guys got. That's my quote. What did you see at 4? I mean, because it looks like you didn't know what you were looking for. Because when you would come in there, it was, honestly, it was fascinating to watch you, watch us. Because you were looking for something. And when you would look, because to watch you...

I was looking for the fundamentals of comedy. If there are some. I was looking for the fundamentals of comedy. I wanted to come home and get a pen and go late. This is what comedy is. Can I have that pen from you? And go lead. this is what comedy is it's chapter one this chapter two this chapter three this chapter four i wish i

could do that i can't do that i wanted to do it not for you guys i want to do it for myself and then pass it on to you guys the knowledge i had gotten but i couldn't figure it out but there but something else happened a fat fucking chubby cute mexican guy went on stage and made me fucking laugh my ass off about being gay now I'm 55 and if you watch any of my CDs any of my special any of my

routines I always have a joke about a gay person in that because they seem so funny to me and they were so involved in my life I mean I tell a story about my thing of Marikong you know that was in my life and he wasn't the first one

the first real gay man in my life was the Santa Rea Gay dude and he used to always say shit to me like when they I'm gonna fuck you in the ass oh my god I must have been like fucking six and he would tell me like in front of my mother and like when you fuck

me in the ass I'm gonna fuck you up motherfucker right like I would fuck you up in front of my god what you said in Spanish? Yeah like me know a sabatico and Hos Antonio like my real name is Hos Antonio and my mom

would put like white shoes on me and he would go ooh minas those chapaticos de Jose Antonio like say Hey, motherfucker, I'll fuck you up. You know, like, I was fucking angry. My father died. And this guy would say shit to me to get my blood going, like, you know, in front of everybody.

He would go, let me say, don't be fucking looking at me, a little fucking faggot. I'll fucking kick your fucking ass. So one day he tickled me, and I'm like, don't fucking tickle me, you fuck. Don't fucking tickle me, don't touch me and shit. And I said to him, I hope you fucking die, you fucking faggot.

And the next day he died. Oh, my God. Are you serious? Yeah, and they fucking, the Santeria people took me to a house and snapped with and they were like, you better never, ever, ever. They started throwing coconuts, you know, when you do Santeria, you got four coconuts and that's how they asked permission. And they were like, you better never, ever, ever wish death on somebody again.

They blamed you as a six-year-old? Not even by mistake, not even to say it. That's why when a Spanish person one day said, you know you're number 13 under, understand, Dan Hope Deathpool, I fucking, this is years ago on Facebook, I wrote him in Spanish and I go, Spanish people don't talk that way. And you hit me back and he's like, I forgot, you're right.

You know, we don't. We don't fucking go on death list or nothing. That's against our fucking, we don't think about death in your Spanish. White people love talking about insurance policies. I'm leaving my piano to my kid. Spanish people don't do nothing. They don't sign the will to air like in the

coma. You got to hold that coma hand, and that's when they'll sign the will. sign it. Come on so we don't have to suffer. You know what I'm saying? Spanish people they'll be dying and they'll fucking won't sign no. Oh my god. Real Jews? I've known for like 15 years where everything is. My mom and dad show me. Oh yeah. They call me when they move it. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude fucking forest lawn. They have plans. Yeah, a lot of Jewish people in Forest Lawn. They have like, they've owned their, they've owned their burial plots for like 50 years. I bet they own it. That's bad luck for Spanish people. We don't want to know that.

Fuck now. I'll leave some money. Just bury me. They got a good spot. Put me in the yard, like my uncle. They put him in the yard. He's back there for years. 15,000 to bury somebody. Put him in the fucking yard. Can you imagine that? Just take somebody home, put some powder around and put him in the yard. Please don't tell me there's buried

bodies buried in yards in New Jersey. I ain't going to say that. I ain't going to say nothing because I don't want to fucking, you know. Nobody knows nothing. Nobody knows nothing here. I'm just talking here from the fucking art. But, okay, so I go to the fourth wall and I'm looking to the answer to my problems. I'm looking

Number two, I'm going through something. I'm not feeling well. Every night about 5 o'clock, I started feeling fucking shitty. Something wasn't right. I started taking blood test and piss test. And there was something in my stomach and I didn't know what the fuck it was.

I started drinking compocha. So I just had a lot of shit going through my head. And Netflix was starting to put the process together. So I wanted to go back to basics. So I started going to the fourth wall to watch Hope and My Home in their most primitive form.

I like the fourth wall because it made you sit there and watch other comics. That's what really lured me to that. But if you signed up with family, you gotta sit in here for the whole fucking hour and watch everybody. And it forced me, I love watching comedy, but I also want to laugh. As soon as I sit down, I want to laugh. I don't want rehearse shit. I don't want shit that you practice in the mirror and I want you to react to the room

whatever happens that's what I'm looking to see my favorite thing in the world is getting high and if I have a 1015 spot at the store go at 915 and sit in the back of the room and watch those comics and learn so I went to the fourth wall to learn but the biggest lesson I learned two things

in the fourth wall I learned that what it was to feel like you guys I made myself feel like you guys. And it backfired. It fucked my head up because I don't need to feel like that again. But I also got to see you. And I've been digging a lot about you lately

because the problem of my Netflix special was that I wasn't me. And I watch you on stage and right now you're a breath of fresh head of me. Fuck. Because you do comedy there's only two gay dudes that I've seen and I've seen a lot of gay guys do comedy

I hate talking about Spanish comedy and black comedy and Jewish comedy I hate that shit but in the gay world if you're a gay man there's only two guys that I've seen go up there with balls of steel as a gay man and that's you and this guy Ian from Santa Barbara who had opened for me in New York

which was a trip because the first night at Gotham it was Gotham now Gotham There's a place where there's fights, people get there. Last time I went with Dean Delray, a lady picked up a table and threw it. This poor little gayian guy lives in, he's helping book the room in Orange County now. So if you guys want to do it, let me know. We'll all three of us do it together. And he's booking this room down in Orange County, and I used him, and he would move to New York.

I saw him in Santa Barbara. I worked him in Santa Barbara, and I could see he made... When you're gay and you're white... and you make people uncomfortable, you're my guy. You're my guy. That's what I want to see. I want to see a guy go, move. That means mentally his mental,

you made him so uncomfortable that his brain told him to move his asshole so you can't get to it. So if he's sitting this way with his girlfriend like rubbing her hand, he'll fucking, he'll lock and load that ass because that's what I want to see. That's real comedy.

if you're a gay man. If you're going to go up there and talk that Beverly Hills shit to impress them and this guy's amazing and try to be Captain Griffin and drag, I ain't taking a fucking ride with you. I want you to tell me about your fucking fears. Tell me what's going on in your world. And that's the first time I saw you,

you know, you did a bit about going on Gay Bar and some guy sucked a dick in a tent. And there was a fist fight. and I'm fucking in the back howling. And then the second one you told is one of the best written jokes. If I had to sit here and write the 10 best written jokes that have made me laugh,

you know, jokes that have sincerely made me laugh. Hi, my name is Charlie Hill. It used to be Mountain, but I shortened it. You know what Charlie Hill is? The Indian, you know, from the store, the first time I heard them say, my name is Charlie Hill. I shortened it from Mountain.

Dog, I almost first. fell off my chair, okay? As dumb as that fucking joke is. Bro, I heard Rodney Dangerfield. Somebody posted a Rodney joke yesterday on Facebook, and he goes, I get no respect. I even went on a diet and backfired.

I went on the rice diet. I didn't lose any weight, but every half hour I had an iron shirt. I fucking lost it, though. I fucking lost it. I love all great jokes. But a great bit, a great bit

Rogan's one of the greatest bits of all time is Rogan when the Chick from Texas and a Nicole Smith that's one of the greatest bits of all time bro I was such a great and brilliant bit

that Mitzi sure told him to stop doing it in the main room because people couldn't follow it like that it was how brilliant of a bit and Nicole Smith was once he married the old guy Everybody was like, Father, and he went and got himself a Kentucky Fried Hooker.

Oh, my God. Till this day, I still laugh at those fucking jokes. And the joke about him, like, you know, why do you want to go to a strip club? Well, because somebody told me that you can see a woman's pussy for a dollar. And every time I'm driving home from the store, I'm like, maybe I should go to a strip club tonight. It's 10 o'clock.

I'm like, why would I go to the strip club for it? And also I'm like, Joey, because you can see a woman's pussy. For a dollar. Don't blame me. I can see your pussy for 20 nickels. I fucking die when he says that type of shit. I love jokes.

You know, fucking Richard Pryor the nigger meets Dracula. Are you fucking crazy? Like, who's smoking popcorn when we got to think of a bit here? I saw this motherfucker the other guy. He looked like Dracula. That's right a joke about

Dirt all on the back of your neck. and shit. You're some filthy little motherfuck who the fuck? What imagination gets that? Like what imagination? But your bit on the taking the Arab home is one of the funniest things

because the twist at the end like I told you at the show and I have no reason to blow smoke up your ass. The twist at the end which I will not reveal is one of the most brilliant things and if you write that joke out and somebody is looking for a writing sample

You just go like this with that joke. And they'll ask you, how are you getting? This is about me, bitch. This is something that happened to me. And then you go, oh, you want another one? Let me tell you about tonight I saw the guy blow the guy in the tent. Oh, you want another one? How about the guy?

I fucked the guy with the ball in his mouth. When you said that one that night, I was losing myself because people will not say that shit. Look at half the people at the Fourth War. What bothered me the most? Let me give some, hold on one second. Let me give some shout-outs before. we go into this.

Real quick, my new sweetheart on Facebook, the hottest chick on Facebook, Latisha Katan, I love you. You're a little Jewish, Puerto Rican fucking savage. She's Jewish Puerto Rico? Yeah, she's fucking savage. John Joyce, my man Dennis Rice, Cash Donovan,

Quentin Page, Matthew Schneider, John Rizzie, Stuart Fleming, Robert Reed, Jake Caparoon, and my man, Rip Ripley, you bad motherfucker don't forget me and Kate will be in Salt Lake City walking around Thursday, Friday, Saturday

but I'll be at the Kansas City Improv fucking August 9th to the 11th and I'll see you motherfuckers then with Dean Del Rizzy you filthy fucking animals and don't forget I'll be in Huntsville, Alabama, Nashville, Azanis at the end of the month in August

but we'll burn that bridge when we get to it. Right now let's worry about Salt Lake City you bad motherfuckers anyway so now Now, you're 15. You don't see yourself in Colorado as... No. It... I don't even...

And the thing of it was, is I played football. Like, I came from a wrestling family. They love, like, my cousin, the uncle that raised me, he's the head wrestling coach. And he took state and everything. And we're like brothers. We look a lot alike. He's got a wife. He's got three beautiful kids.

kids and we look just like each other and the funny thing is is when I go down there I'll have Grindr on and they're like oh shit is that coach on fucking grind and like I always got to tell of like hey just so you know this is who I am because they love an anonymity in in fucking Colorado because they can't be gay so what cracks me up about it is is I always got to tell them hey I'm not I'm not your fucking coach so don't don't try shit like that Did you have encounters in Colorado before you went to New York or were your first encounters in New York? Because New York is a hell of a place to be gay at.

If I was to be gay, that's the capital. No, you're right. You're exactly right. That's where I saw it. I saw it front and center in front of me. And it was very interesting to see. I saw the growth. Like I said in that story on Comedy Central, I still remember Martin missing a tooth some weeks.

some weeks he come over he had a black eye some weeks he got stabbed this is when it wasn't eco-friendly to be gay 1972, 73, 75 it wasn't eco-friendly people, two men were not

walking down the street hand in hand he would take 50 yards before somebody pulled over kicked him in the stomach got back in the car who they're going to call the cops were going to help

he was wearing a stilto boots earlier there yeah he has to he knows he knows sometimes He's got to kick him on the fucker. These motherfuckers get confused.

Because in the gay world, there's some crazy people too. Fuck, yeah. There's some crazy people too. It's the older gays you don't fuck with. You know, I watch that, I love all the FX series. And the Andrew Kunan one was fucking disturbing. That's the guy that killed Versace. Oh, yeah.

That started like, you know, he was fucking nuts. Knots. And, you know, in many years of doing drugs, you know, and when I was younger, the big, circle to get the elite drugs. Like, yeah, you get coke from anybody, but when you want elite cocaine, there was a gay lady. Wow. A lesbian. When you wanted, when I bought all

those quailudes, the best quailudes I bought was from a lesbian girl. Her brother was a gangster, real mafia, and like Wikipedia and everything still. I'm not going to tell you their name. But I used to buy quailudes from her sister. They were mafia quailers. You know, there was a time to get the best Coke. to go to the meat market that place I told you wow yeah the one gay bar with the

three floors ram rods the ram rods and that's why I saw them use the rush I fucking love yeah they would use rush they have such aggressive names bullet ramrod and they would have poppers they would break poppers absolutely and then make out with each other and I would sit there and go what the fuck is going on but I never looked down on it you know I never it wasn't for me to judge and that's that's a thing in Colorado it was It was one of those things where I didn't dare come out. And, like, I think everybody kind of knew, but it was one of those things where it's like,

okay, we're not going to talk about it. Let's not talk about it. I'll play football. I was an all-conference football player. How did your family react to it? I moved to New York and met somebody, and I came back. And my mom was surprised. She was like, okay.

And she's like, I honestly didn't know. And they're like, really? And she's like, I had questions, but I took you at your word. And then, like, cousins and stuff like that, people that I was close to and told them, they were like, why didn't you ever tell us? You could have told us. And it was almost like they were mad that you didn't tell them. Because that's, it's a weird thing because you really don't know how somebody's going to react. Because the thing about it, like, you talk about honesty and in comedy and shit like that, people don't like when I say faggot on stage. like other other gay comics i've had other gay comics scold me for saying that word i i grew up around that word what do you say to them when they come up to you and scold you i i listen to them because i know it's coming from a place of pain i i know that and they're like you you you know you could do that joke so much better and in my no you can't gay don't work that funny no you can't faggot is a word because it's a word not because it's gay

I don't use it as all in a gay kind of town. I have no beefs at all with gay men. My God, I have no beefs at all. Good boy. How to respect for gay men. That's a gay salute. You know what I'm saying? I got no beef.

I love this. I put my hand through this little hole. And I can still blow it at Lee. He still, hold on. I look how he blames me for the flies and the bugs that come over his office. He fucking farted and said that was a gay soul. Listen to me, I always blame, I always take responsibility for the farts. When the fly comes in here and he chases your fucking fat little fucking hummus neck.

I was in here with Ralphie. I've been in here with eight or seven people. A bee came in with Ralphie. And have seen flies on your neck before. And they've called me the next day and said, why is there bees and animals on Lee's neck all the time? Because he's a filthy fucking animal. He said fucking hummus. And he don't bathe.

He only bade the morning. Oh, my God. You only bade in the morning. You're supposed to bathe twice. Before you come to the office, eight o'clock. you take a shower. I don't want that grease coming to your neck all day long.

I don't have a greasy neck. Yes, you do. When that sun shines on your fucking neck. We'll help him. Do I get sun? No, I go to the gym. I go to the gym. Yeah, the three feet you walk per day.

It makes that, I smell it sometimes. I can smell your neck. That's why I smell my neck. Because I'm getting to be it all the minute. No, it don't. It does. You think that fart is in? The fart I blow that way towards you.

And keep talking. I got another one percolating. That's going to knock your fucking wig off. This will give you more hair than fucking for him's. This will grow. You smell what's coming out of my ass next. I'll wake up tomorrow. You'll be a beetle.

You'll understand. You're like one of the beetles. People say, what happened to the legal? This is a gentleman John Lennon. Is my hair going to smell like your shit? Who knows? I don't know. How is that weed that you just smoked for it?

I had everything in there. Don't worry about nothing. So, forget about fucking mama over here. Yeah, thank you very home. Let me ask you a question. So, because one night we were at the, one night we were, I mean, when you, I watched you. I watched you a couple nights and I'm like, this guy's fucking hilarious. This guy's, he's in a different league and nobody knows it because he's hidden up here.

They're forcing him to hide. But that ends tonight. And it was funny because then you came outside and you spoke to me about Paul Mooney. And if you know anything about me, that's the education that I got. I got the education of Paul Mooney. And that's when I forgot when I shot my Netflix special. And that's what I forgot when I went up to the Fourth Wall.

And I forgot it again. I told Bobby Lee and I told this to Rogan, I told him a couple people that Jim Norton said something once. And it kind of bothered me. He said that he doesn't watch other comic specials. And I thought that was kind of arrogant. and I fucking got it why he doesn't watch other comics special

because it takes your mind away and it lets you think you know I'm really concerned about the mind I'm always very concerned about the mind and what goes on in it and with stand up we have to be ourselves

the biggest thing that people say to us is be yourself be yourself we never know what that meant I don't know what that means I have no idea what be yourself means you know what it means for a guy like me You go up there and talk about what I do best, what I tell Lee on the phone. When I'm on the phone with Lee and he's laughing and we're doing our thing,

that's what I do best. Not when I try to be a witty writer. Not when I try to be somebody I'm not. You have to be who you are. You, my friend, on stage, at the five-year mark, have found yourself, which is truly amazing. You know, it's just truly amazing. You know, once this special airs, I'm going to get more dates,

and I'm going to take you out in a couple days just so the world sees you and they're not going to like you at first. You're going to come up to me and go, these people in this fucking club do not like me, but I don't want you to give a fuck because that's the same education I had from Rogan. They didn't like me.

And after a while, I knew they weren't going to like me. So I went out there balls to the wall and it taught me something different about comedy. They're not going to like you. But if I stick around long enough, you're going to fucking love. like me. I got an old adage. You may not suck my dick today, but you're going to suck it. Might not be today. I know you got a boyfriend and you love them. I know. I know. But you got

one weakness. You do cocaine and I supply that cocaine. So one night, some were aware, you're going to suck my fucking helmet because I'm going to show up with an A ball and catch you off God. That was then. You know what I'm saying? Now I don't want my dick sucked. I'm married. I can't wait until someone put that in their yearbook. It's the truth. It's the truth. You know, when you leave the house in the morning and you have that type mentality, when you go on stage and you go, they're either going to suck my dick,

or they're going to suck my dick. You know what I'm saying? Like, they're either going to laugh or they're going to suck my dick. That's who Joe Diaz is. And I forgot until I saw you. And the other night, when I watched Kennison on that CNN comedy show,

I'm like, that's who fucking... I called him immediately. And I said, we got to get him on the show because now I got the hook. to get you on the show because i just don't like putting people on the show you know people complain hey man put me on your show you got no reason to me to put you on the show there's no way you're going to go with it you you're prime you're ready you're ready to go out there and do 20 minutes every fucking week and let these people see you and you're going to go through some oh

they're going to love you in the bible belt you know what i'm saying that's you're gonna you're gonna fucking want to quit that's that's the thing of though is like i went to a friend's graduation in Lawrence, Kansas, and all of his buddies were around, and I was making gay jokes, and they were laughing. Because the thing about it is, I don't get booked on little shows around West Hollywood. I don't. And I think a lot of that is because I say faggot or I, it's just, it's a different kind of perspective. That's not to say that's the only reason. And like, it's just, it's strange, though, like, I don't know how I would do for a gay crowd that was just strictly built for gay. But I was talking with my friend, and he's like, you don't want that.

And I realize that that's what the truth is, is I want to be able to go to Greeley. And I want to walk into a room where it's mostly straight people. They don't know anybody gay. They don't know anything like that. And if I can walk in there and fucking get them, then that means the, fucking world to me that that's that's where comedy is you know we do when we did that detox center it's like oh okay that's where they fucking need comedy because it's like holy shit like that that room was just so dower and it's like fuck i don't even want to fucking be here but then we

start riffing them we start joking about you know what we did when we were drunk and how fucked up it was and they start laughing a little bit and it just it feels better and that's that's what I listen to your fucking laugh compilation when I get up out of bed in the morning because I don't want to fucking go to work. I don't want to fucking go to work. I get up. I have to drag myself. I'll listen to fucking.

I'll listen to church. I'll listen to fucking old Opie and Anthony shit. I'll listen to anything to get me the fuck out of bed and do my job so that I can go to fourth wall and try something that happened or try a bit that might work. How bad do you want to be a comedian? Oh, I fucking It's all I live and breathe now It's like fucking

You know, I I wanted to put myself in situations Where they were fucking They were tough Because it was like You know The first time I ever went to the store Really quick

I gotta tell you this I was like okay This is gonna happen I can't I'm excited Because you always hear about it So I went there And Doug Stanhope was gonna be there

And I was like Okay I'm gonna fucking break my cherry on stand hope this is amazing and i remember standing there and the door guys were come on this way come on let's go they weren't you know they weren't mean but it wasn't like a jovial hey welcome to it was like come on let's go i was like all right and i remember when i walked in it was cold and it was fucking black and it was dark and those neon lights were on and blaring was when the levy breaks lead zeppelin and i was fucking scared I don't know why I got really anxious and I was like, oh, fuck, this is, this is a crazy dark place.

And I sat down and fucking Stanhope just, he crushed. Like, it was amazing. And then I walked out of there and I just, I walked like for an hour and a half. And it was just like, what the fuck was that? And that's why like the store, when you talk about the store and you're like, yeah, I'm going up at 10. And I went there two nights ago with my buddy. We were just sitting in the back and I was watching these paid regulars because everybody's in Montreal. A lot of people are in Montreal and I was like, I'm going to see the real newer paid regulars.

And I wanted to see that. And when you watch them, it's like, you're still learning shit. And I'm like, fuck, man. It was the first time ever that I was like, I want that bomb in the OR. I fucking want that because I got to do that like fucking a thousand times in order to. do well because the thing that you don't realize is when you go up in the main room or you go up in the o r you fucking crush you do and i look i'm here i'm telling you yes oh me me me as it's yeah you and it's it i i compare it to this do you watch that new elvis documentary yes on hboh absolutely

the thing that that got me about because i was like i never got into elvis because i i don't know brilliant and i looked and watching that guy perform i was like oh he's got the voice but it's the fucking performance when he would throw out his arms and he would fucking do that shit and he would just he had this fucking attitude you have that when you walk on stage

it's it's it's the whole package yeah and it is it's fear i don't know what the fuck it is because when you walk out there like I said Mooney has it's it's this fucking attitude yeah it's this it's this attitude I get mad at Lee I get mad every day at late

because Lee thinks about shit. I told him two weeks ago. I told him if you don't get rid of that, you're never going to be a good cop. Got to get rid of that. That shit that you have until you don't get rid of that, it's not going to work out for you. You're going to take it to a certain level.

You got to take that safety then and let it go in all aspects of your life. It's really weird. Like, you think about it, and you're like, what the fuck is he saying? What the fuck is he saying? That was a terrible. It's so weird.

I was scared of everything when I got into comedy. And the more I did comedy, the more of that pussy shit, I had to get rid of. Like, I had to get rid of it. And I had gone to prison. And I had done a thousand things before I got into comedy. But I was still such a fucking little mama's boy. When I got into comedy, I thought it was going to be a perfect world. but I knew for me to get where I was going

it couldn't be perfect because this is perfect and it's not but I'm better off than sitting at the fourth wall and doing five shows at the fourth wall and sleeping in my van do you know what I'm saying? Oh fuck yeah

so I knew that for this to be perfect there was going to be some years of imperfection and that means you have to get out of your comfort zone You don't like eating ass Gotta eat ass I don't get to fuck what you like Or what you don't like

Because while you're eating ass You're gonna think of a joke While you're doing all that nasty disgusting stuff You're thinking of jokes When you take your dick out of a woman And she pussy farts And he goes

And you're sitting there next to her You're like this is life You cannot be a comic Without life experiences every time I go to a fourth wall, I get angry as fuck for two things. The comics touch the mic. And then they take their phone out, like the answer to their fucking problems

is on their stupid fucking phone. Show me one stand-up who looks on their fucking phone. For you to become a good stand-up, you've got to get rid of that phone because you've got to live life. You've got to see every fucking picture. You got to see every fucking picture. If you're too busy doing this, you can't do it.

You're going to be limited to this to be a great... You know, I love when people fucking call me shit and call me names and call me a bullshit and have the life I had. I laugh because

I was forced. By my mother dying, I was forced to live a different life. You think I like sitting on a fucking bar? Is that what you think? I love doing drugs. I can do drugs

so the cows come home. But you think, You will not see me in a fucking bar in a booth, acting like Johnny Bananas, drinking bottle service. You'll never see me. You would never see me when I was 25 either. I like doing drugs in my own house. Yeah.

I don't like people seeing me weak. Yeah. Why would you want to see somebody see you all week? You know, Joe Rogan, a 20-year relationship, he caught me on coke one night, and I couldn't even make eye contact with him. I just sat in this car and kept looking straight. He told me he wasn't coming down.

so I went off early and all of a sudden he showed up I was like God damn it he goes come on get in the car let's go for a ride and I'm in the car coked out with the window open when he had a supra smoking cigarettes like fucking

trying to make my jaw stop you know how embarrassed I wasn't from him because I never wanted him to see me on coke he knew I did coke that's fine but I never ever wanted him to see me do coke because it was my weakest point you know

I don't even know how we got in this conversation about drinking, oh, about you getting out of the safety. Oh, this shit, when I break your balls, you can't become a comic if you eat three types of sushi. You know what I'm saying? You can't become a good comic if you eat shrimp, tuna, and spicy tuna. You have no life experiences. You have no, this is why I'm appreciative

that Lee's going through what he's going through now. because you guys saved him. He was on the couch every night listening to some chick talk about bugs and stupid fucking TV shows and he was buying it. He was buying it. He was really buying into it.

I had a problem with him. He didn't know how lucky he was. He got rid of her and started his own life. I don't care if he does stand-up or not. That's not the reason why I love him. I love him that he's free and he's dirty and he's seeing the world for what he is. But you can't be a good stand-up.

You know, when you told me you went to the gay bar with him that night, I almost jerked off all over myself. I was going to jerk off, come in my hand, and throw it in my face like the priest throws it. When you're a young kid, they just throw it in your face like that. You're just in your own face? Yeah, because that's how happy you made me that you went to a gay ball

because you did something. Just the fact that he did something. You know, I have a friend that comes in here and does coke. I don't do cocaine. I don't want to do coke, but he's going to have to do it one time if he's going to be a good comment. Just not enough to get him a heart attack, just to taste it until he gets his dick sucked or something.

You know, you know, this is a life that we live. I don't want you to be a junkie. I've never wanted him to eat 20 edibles, but I don't want him to go out with a bunch of comics on night, and they'd give him an edible and they fuck him up because then now I got to go fuck somebody up. Yeah. So I'll fuck him up and I'll take care of him

because he knows I take care of him so nobody can fuck with him. When I give him a fucking animal tranquilizer, and he don't know it, and he tells me that he fell asleep with his clothes on. you know what I'm saying I got him I got him he took it from me

you know what I'm saying like so but then like that's a way when you said a couple minutes ago that I need to stop doing things I've been thinking about it I don't forget when you told me for you to get to that next level in your life

right you got to knock this shit off but you also told me to not to not be as dirty as I've been I don't think I'm that dirty I want you to be clean in the beginning so the first two years you should be clean just to learn how it is you don't look like a guy that's

gonna talk about eating your ass do you eat ass no then why would you talk about i don't do you fuck people in front of the breakfast have you ever fuck somebody in the ass and come in their face no then how are you gonna talk about i don't okay then what do you talk about not having sex no i talk about what you're talking about not having sex but you told me even then you're like don't be that dirt no i want you to do it don't do it like i did it i'm a loser it took me 27 years when it could have took me 15 you follow i'm trying to say to you it took me 27 but i could done it in 15 if I would have done these same facts that I'm telling you two fucking knuckleheads.

Just shut your fucking mouth and do your first two years clean. And at the end of two years, then come back to me and I'll go, okay, this year you're going to work improv. But I've never done improv. I've never gone to the groundings. I really don't give a fuck. The first time I see you do a joke on the road, I will fire you, you will go home on your own dime. You will not do a fucking joke in front of me. I want you to go up there and say,

hello, how are you people tonight? What do you do for a living? and start right there and go backwards. And that's what you do for a year. And then I'm going to make you break that habit. And every time I see you talking to the audience, I'm going to make you get off. I'm going to throw something at you. A fucking yo-yo, a rock, a fucking quarter,

until I cut you, until I cut you. That means now, but guess what? By the end of five years, I'm going to give you an education. I'm going to teach how to be dirty for two. I'm going to teach how to be dirty for two. I'm going to teach how to do improvise for one. I'm going to teach you how to stop improvising because it's a bad fucking habit

but I want you to know it I don't want you have cigarettes on you no you don't smoke no I don't want you to smoke cigarettes but I do want you to smoke a cigarette I don't want you to smoke cigars but I do want you to smoke a cigar do I want you to suck Eric's cock it would be nice if I could get a picture of something to inquire him but I don't want you to suck his cock

but I enjoyed that you went with him to a gay bar and experienced it and I enjoyed it and I enjoy that he loves you as much as he does, and I know that he would never let nothing happen. When you tell me you're with him at 2 in the morning, I know the worst thing that happens, you can fall asleep and wake up with your pants on backwards, and the ass is a little sore,

and he's sleeping, dreaming with a smile on his face. When I went to the gay bar, I was so overwhelmed in there. You have to be. I'm overwhelmed. Do you see me hanging on gay bars now? I wouldn't walk into a fucking gay bar today if you paid me because I don't do drugs. I had done to talk to them about.

It was raining and I turned the wrong way out of the bar. So for 10 minutes, I thought that my car was stolen and I was going to have to tell you that my car got stolen. I was at the boy when I was at the gay bar. He was scared to come back to me the fucking bar. I was like, this can't happen to me. Because every time, nothing happens to me for 29 years. And then I meet Joey and then everything bad happens. I never got one stye.

I get a stye coming back on the day of a podcast. Two years of clean comedy. One year of improvised comedy. One more year of clean comedy. and then you can talk about sex but then you're on the road in the car so you're meeting different people you're without Joey you're in

Montana you're in Wyoming you're in fucking Idaho you're gonna get notices and tell you don't curse because there's a Mormon audience tonight what are you going to do if they tell you that in advance they just book you leave they book you they go right you're going to work August

7th to the 11th which is Tuesday through Saturday right and then The week of the gig, they're going to email you, and you're going to print it. And it's going to pre-print that with the five gigs. And the first gig is going to say, you can't meet blue as a feature act. And you're going to go, thank God, Joey, made me work clean for two years. Is that what the store was for you guys, like a training ground?

Or was this just shit that you went? No, no, no. My training ground was trible. My training ground was driving and tribble. That's the training ground of killers. we'll talk to Tribble. If you need to, somebody call Tribble, I'll call Tribble for you

and get you and Thucco here in the car out there in the winter, January with ski tires on when you've got to get off stage. You're the only Mexican in Idaho and it's part of my... They've never seen a Mexican. They touch you funny.

Can I touch you? You ever see that episode of the Sopranos? What's this? What's Elvis land? Where there's no Jews and no Italians? That's what they send you. comedy. So first of all, you got to go up on stage and go, hi, and Lysian,

I'm Jewish. Right away, you're losing half the audience. Like, half the places where you go to the train, they've never seen a Jew. They'll come up to you later on and touch you. I never tested my first Jew. My first Jew. It's hysterical.

You know, when I was going to these places, people had never heard of a Cuban. And I was saying dumb jokes. I was like, I swam here on a two-by-four, you know, shit like that, and they would love it. They would love it because that was their ideology of a Cuban. You know, I would talk about Desi Yarnes and stupid shit. They would love it.

That was my way of, I didn't know what to do then. I didn't not. I had no idea what to do, you know. The store, yes. The store was the second part of my education. The store, okay, when I walked into the comedy store, I was doing comedy, honestly, honestly, five years. savagery and three years stupidity it was my first two years were very there's a lot of comics in this town that i'm a comic and they had a business card i had a business card you know you really did yeah i'm a

comic but i would always book these gigs but i would get too coked up to get down there so by the time the gig 11 i would always cancel so i was unreliable and then i went to new york and I did nine months in New York. And at the New York Comedy Club, I kind of got it. I kind of got what it was. And then I saw something at the, at this bar. I saw John Ligazamo performing, and that's what it all came to me.

It takes you three years just for the whole mechanism to come to you. It takes years just for the combination to come to you. Once it comes to you and you set your plan on what you're going to do, that was what I did. Then everything, all the negative shit that you heard all your life went away. Like it all came to place. Somebody told you something once. And now comedy is living that.

Like when I went to prison and they did the mental evaluation and all that, that guy told me, he goes, I kept asking them because all the other invicts kept saying, what did your paperwork say? I'm like, I don't know. And they're like, you don't want to know. You've got to pay your attorney to find out. That's what the thing. and all about you and all this shit.

And I forget what it's called. The first week you go to Canyon City, you go to a place where they do mental testing. Diagnostic. Diagnostic. And what the diagnostic report said was that anything I wanted, that if I wanted some, I would take it. If I wanted something you had, I would take it, you know.

And I remember when I came back from Colorado, and I really, when I came back from New York, after doing nine months and just getting beat up. You know, nine months of New York. York is an emotional beating as a comic my second year it was like because it wasn't just the emotional beating Lee has a degree if at the end of three years Lee doesn't like what happens he goes back to fucking editing he could run a podcast division he could run a radio store now I had no qualifications comedy was it dog I already had the felonies had two felonies

grade two felonies not everybody's looking jumping out of their way to hire you. The little Mickey Mouse degree wasn't really going to do nothing to me. Once they investigated, they knew that my degree was going to be a Mickey Mouse. So I had no options. When I got into comedy,

the only option was living in a car, traveling, and not answering to anybody. That was all I was good at doing, was not answering to anybody and living my own life. I could be there at 8. I could get up at 8 in the morning. I could do all that shit.

But the drugs made me unreliable, you know. So when I walked into the store at the eight-year mark, I didn't know. It was like a re-education. If that's what you're asking me. Yes, it was a re-education. And just like you, my spots were late, and Paul Mooney would come on at 12. Fuck. And when I left Seattle, somebody had came up to me one day and turned me on to the album called Race.

When all that shit was going down with O.J. and Nicole. Oh, fuck it. And I could lie to you. I could lie to both of the ears in the audience. and say that I've known about Paul Mooney on my life. I didn't know who Paul Mooney was until 1995. And I've been to Richard Pryor since 1975, 74. So I never knew who Paul Mooney was.

Then I read a book. I read some book. And it mentioned Paul Mooney and Richard Pry and they wrote together. And then there was rumors that Paul Mooney blew Richard Pry when he was coked out one night and shit like that. And just, you know, when he walked into the store, It was like this big legend, and I had his CD. And in those days, when you had somebody's cassette, that's what I had. I had a cassette.

I thought those were the best two kids. Like, I loved Delirious, and I loved Andrew Dice Clay's first album. But at that time, I was listening to The Night the Laughter Died and Race. Those are two great comedy CDs for the five-year comic to listen to. The first-year comic cannot digest those two CDs, especially The Night the Laughter Die. Oh my God, we listened to that. And I was like, the fucking balls to do this is insane. I was sitting there and I literally was like, there were moments where I would fucking cringe and just be like, what the fuck?

And that's the gift. Not even just to do it, but to put it out. Oh, yeah. That was why we were like, this is. That's the gift to make you go. To make your Catholic. When I say it, have to have to fucking joke. I say you don't think they ring my Catholicism bell are you really fucking crazy

Are you fucking crazy? Do you know that the first couple years of my life? I couldn't do comedy in front of my really really really good friends Because I didn't want them to know I thought this way Like I would do shows in Jersey and bomb Eat Dicks bags people that'll never even talk to me again these people would leave embarrassed because I would freeze up in front of them. I never wanted them to know I had those thoughts. Even though you had done drugs with them and... I didn't want them to have these thoughts.

No, I get that. And then when I did a rock bar a couple years ago, I ate a bag of dicks. Oh, before I started working Gotham, I did this bar called something, beautiful. The Bitter End. The Bitter End. I've heard about that.

I did the Bitter End. Five or six years ago. Yeah, I did the bitter end. I had 170 people in there on a Tuesday night. And my friends were there from the sixth grade. And I could not go into my material. I'm trying to improvise. I'm getting red in the face.

I could feel sweat beads going from the back of my head, down my back, onto my jeans. It was horrible. It was horrible. It was not going to a fight. I blamed a lot of shit that night, hecklers. It was me. It was me that couldn't do that material in front of my dear friends. Now, I don't give a fuck. Like you, I thought a lot about you when I was shooting the special. And I thought about what I wanted, because everybody kept saying, this is the first time people going to see you in other countries and stuff. So you really want to introduce yourself. You know, bro, I missed the boat. This is all about just being funny. Don't introduce yourself. I don't have to say hello. I'll have to say, goodbye, I don't have to tell you I'm gay, I don't have to tell you I'm an addict, I don't have to say I went to prison. I have one job as a comic, and that's to be fucking funny.

That's it. And we get confused, and I want to, I brush on the show to thank you to your face for unconfusing me. You unconfused me about comedy. Like, now I know who I am by seeing you. when you're on stage, you just took Kennison, that some people can't wait to tell you their fucking gay. In today's society, I can't wait to tell you, I got mental illness. Today, everybody wants to tell you they got something. I got PTSD.

All those years of doing drugs and Joey gave me anxiety. I said, you know, I said, go shut your fucking mouth. Before you became gay, before you became a comic, before I became a felon, before I did anything we're both meant meant and we have an obligation as meant when you go up on stage and you're a Catholic man especially with hard

it's fucking hard in the beginning but if you look into it what do you think Jesus one of the apostles didn't crack fucking jokes to Jesus the time of time is that they just don't tell you in the Bible but that had to be one of those motherfuckers that had to go you know Jesus what's up with the sandals you know the fuck you know You think Richard Pryor wrote that joke?

I guarantee what would you do if somebody actually told Jesus, don't you go down there messing with them Jews without no money? But it got passed down to Richard Pryor, like in Chicago, where he was growing up in Mawain, Chicago, wherever he grew up. You know, that's what it felt like. When I met Jesus, I met him on the railroad depot. I told them, don't go down there. Don't you go down there messing with them Jews without no money.

The first time I heard that I had to be 10, and I really knew what the fuck they would talk. What year that the niggas crazy come out? I shouldn't be Googling this. Oh. It says it was released stacks in May of 1974, and then were a prize in November 10th, 1975. By the 10th of the middle.

This is just too much to even. Jesus. Comprehend. Laugh your head off. This is even too much to fucking comprehend. I even got some Bob Newhart in here now. Even like

Cosby himself. I just my first in direction to it. I fucking, I'll listen to that today and it's like, Jesus. I hate it all. That shit. I hate it, Cosby. Look at this.

Look at this album cover. That nigger's crazy. The night, when he was on some show to promote this. And they said, I can't, the white woman goes, I can't even say the word. He goes, the niggas crazy. Look at this. Look at the names

of the jokes. I hope I'm funny. Niggin with a seizure. Have your ass home by 11. Black and white lifestyle. The Exorcist. Winoe dealing with Dracula. Flying saucers, the back down, black man, white woman. Niggers versus the police.

Wino versus Junkie. Richard Pryor, this album is brilliant. is something I said. Eulogy, shortage of white people, new niggers, cocaine, just us. Mudbone intro. Then the sad, too, is mud bone little feats. When your woman leaves you,

the good night kiss, women are beautiful, and our text for today. And then bicentennial niggers classic. This is one that I got thrown out of Ray Canella's house for. What? Oh my God, I brought this to his house. Black Hollywood, Mudbone goes to Hollywood. Chinese restaurants.

restaurant acid bicentennial nigger this is when this is it guys hillbilly black and white women our gang and bicentennial prayer this is this is uh my fucking childhood 1976 he would release one of these every fucking year see that's the that was but see you could do that because you could tape these in a you could take these in 10 weeks nobody would know it sides and they would just put them together so it would take me a month to tape. You got a month to tape a fucking album. Every night I go out and do 20 minutes

and you tape it until we got an hour. That's it. That's what I'm going to do from that one. I'm bringing it right back to vinyl and fucking cassette. I'm not doing no more specials. I'm done. Never again. Yeah? Yeah. This should be out in like October. They told me the generates.

Lee's been helped edit it. You know, we made it look as good as we can. It's not my best work by far. You know, I wish I had more Eric Rocha, the balls of Eric Roach in there. But somewhere along the line, I got scared, and I forgot who the fuck I am. So just thank you for reminding me of who the fuck I am and keep doing what you're doing. If the name of the Netflix thing is degenerate to you and Lee will be having dates on the degenerate tour, 2018, 2019.

And that's it, man. You really make me laugh. If you guys out there listening, you know, I don't know if you have a web page. Yeah, Ericrochicomedy.com. Ericroachcom. Ericroachcom. You know, it's funny that I go to cryotherapy and you told me you were going to gay pride. So out of respect for you, every time I went to cryotherapy, gay month I put on Madonna, burning it up.

And the guys would go, why do you listen to Madonna? Why do you listen to Madonna? And I go, because I have respect for Gay Pride Month. And they would just look at me at the cryo place and look at each other and go, what the fuck is wrong with him? So after Gay Pride, I went back to Biggie Warning, you know what I'm saying? But I'm still going to keep them honest with Madonna burning up like a virgin and physical attraction. Drives fucking gay people crazy when you put Madonna on, doesn't it?

They go fucking bananas. Especially the Beverly Hills Gay community, they go fucking nuts. It's funny. I have a friend and, uh, and, uh, and, uh, in Hollywood and she's a comic, not anymore. She's a drunk. And I love it dearly, but we don't chat anymore because she's too much of a drunk.

But she's really part of a big gay game. She goes to pride. She does all that stuff. And she introduced me to a lot of gay guys and I like 30% of them in Hollywood because I think that they were doing it for all the wrong reasons.

You know, like I know what a gay guy acts like. I've been around them all my life, my mom, at the bar. You know, my dink and marico, I loved him. I loved him because he used to tell me stories about music. He was Cuban, and he knew about the Ramones and fucking, he had gone to see the Alman brothers. He said he sold Coke to one of the almonds. You'll have him di Pinnikos.

He said, like him a pedigero. He used to always tell me all these stories about Coke. He would sell to, but he would always go see the Ramones. Was it the Ramones and shit like that? There would CBGBs and punk bands. Yeah, CBGBs, I mean. My mom used to always say, you like my thing and money. Don't ever come home with a story because I'll bust your fucking head.

I'll bust his fucking head too. But my mother always loved Martin the Fag. But Eric, I got to tell you something. I just wanted to bring you on the podcast to thank you. You said to me one night, again, back to the conversation, you said that there's a lot of comics that don't shake your hand. there's no there was one

that didn't like the the gay material I was doing and he said I'm not shaking your fucking hand what you just said that's disgusting was he gay or straight he was straight and you said something to me that you thought I wouldn't like you

I did when I first met you it was like because I had felt bad and it was it was one of those things where in West Hollywood I was like am I am I saying too am I saying faggot too much Am I am I you know because the one thing I didn't want to do is I didn't want to hurt You know my community because like or not those are my fuck that's that's my brothers and sisters right there

So I was like all right maybe I need to back off that what what what the fuck am I doing here? You know it's not like they they ostracized me They were just saying why do you have to say faggot so much and for me it was like that's that's what I grew up around like that's what I heard and it didn't mean what it meant to you when you heard it because it was it was such a thing where it was like listen that that is what like if we weren't working fast enough i remember my uncle barry did come on you fucking faggot and we fuck you i can not work i can't and it was like okay and i get what they mean by you know how it can be derogatory and i get that but like i said i want i want a i want a gay joke that everybody can fucking laugh at that's that's what i really want like that joke that you were referencing that to me is is something where i'm like okay i think i think everybody can understand this fucking situation when I was in real correct yeah absolutely

stories on stage and you had your spend to them absolutely you're writing your life I had to I had to text somebody to let him know where I was the night I did that I think that Saudi Arabian guy because I was worried I was like hey if this is a fucking trick you need to know where the fuck my last thing was and like I I can't I can't go missing I'll text you and you know the guy that I'll text. I'll tell you who it was after the show. You know, it's crazy because I admire you. I admire you because at 55, I have no fucking life.

I have zero friends that I do shit with during the week. And one night I called him up, and I go, where are you and Eric? And he goes, Eric got out of the car. He went on some gay app, and he just started walking. And I'm like, fuck, I wish I could do that. Just get out of fucking app and meet someone. on Magnolia Boulevard at 2 in the morning.

You know, and it's just the balls you have, the safety. You know, when I got into comedy, I got into comedy because of Lenny Bruce. And now I'm the farthest fucking thing from Lenny Bruce. Like, I'm scared to go out past midnight, Eric. Like, who's the fucking fag in this room? Who is it? It's Joe Diaz. You know, I said to, I told Lee last week, Lee, guess what I'm going to do?

I'm going to call in for spots at midnight at the store. And then I went home and started thinking about it. I got to drive home at 1240 up on. over that hill shit can happen dog I ain't gonna go out who's become the fag I have and this is what I gotta get out of I gotta get out of this this did I told him I go all this shit changes this shit changes really it's dirty I'm getting out of this road you know I'm back at the store I'm going back to the store that's going back to the store yeah I'm going back to the store maybe that's the last one because

that's not the last one just getting warmed up you let me tell you some going back to the store because that's where I belong. This little pussy foot and I was doing or going to flappers and the fourth wall has to come to an end. I got to go down there. That's why I was just tipping around like I always do. I have the same problems you people

do at home. I procrastinate to, but I do enough to get by and to fool everybody. And I found out, but I don't fool me. I don't fool me and it eats me all up inside. So that's it. Now I'm going to

store from now that's it I'm going to the store because I know I would hate to go to the store because I would hate the bomb I'm going down there from now on to bomb like the other night you know what I do let me tell how scared I am of life when I drive to do comedy do you know I don't put the radio on the car on the way there really you want to talk about people being fags you want to talk about gay men even gay guys listen to the radio before a gig because they're fucking excited not me I'm taking It's in my head. And I had to get out of my head when I went to Vegas.

And I realized that both nights I had done 50 minutes effortly, I was so happy. Really? No material. Let's go. Like the old days. If we get to it, we get to it. And if we don't, we don't. I'm going to talk about what's on my mind and my heart from now on whether you like it or not.

Fuck, yeah. We do a half hour of it If we go back to the material We tiptoe around the material But I'm a lot better when I'm not scared I'm working the last two years scared Maybe that was your cell phone In a way that was blocking you

Yeah oh no no Like I told Lee I got into I got out of the prison in 89 I didn't get on stage until 91 Took me two years Because I knew it was gonna change my life But I would cancel I'm Tuesday at 4

I don't feel good. When we know something's going to change our life, we become such fucking pussies. It's ridiculous. When something's going to change my life, I become the biggest fucking pussy in the world. We all do. And then we have the balls to complain about this, to talk about this, and talk about that. So if you're scared to do something because it's going to change your life, go for it, whether it's addiction, whether it's whatever the fuck it is. Because I do the same thing. But that was the reason why I wanted to have you on, man. You're a fucking powerhouse.

I think you're going to be a household name in a few years. Wow. And I'm happy your friends with Lee. I'm happy that you take care of him. Yeah. Love you, buddy. Took him on me of a way. You know, you're going to have to, he's going to have suck your dick eventually.

No worry. Paul Mooney suck his dick and I still love him. You know what I'm saying? That's still my idol. I'm not his type. Shut up, cuck sucker. You're everybody's type. You're short, cute, naive, and you don't know nothing about none.

I can have a deaf mute talk into sucking his dick. He's got the fucking biggest heart. Yeah, that's it. That's your lovable. The heart fuck you. The heart fuck in the heart. Why you give you all these ideas, Joey? You're going to get him.

Oh, my God. Don't forget, you bad motherfuckers. This weekend, we're in Utah. It sold out with Kay Quigley. but August 9th through the 11th, I will be at the beautiful improv in Kansas City with my man Dean Dower. I got some bad news to report to you people tonight,

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All right, let me see. They said, let me see where you can find these. Yeah. So before and after pictures that look just beautiful. People are, listen, do me a favor. Why are we beating around the bush, all right? I have a lot of friends that suffer from male pattern baldness and they eat some up alive.

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I want to thank my new favorite comic, Mr. Eric Roker, my main fucking main Jew, the Christ killer. But most importantly, I want to thank the best audience in the world, you guys, for listening and for taking the fucking journey with me for the last couple of years. I love you guys with all my heart. Like I told you, I'll be in Utah. We'll be back Monday morning, ready to fucking percolate,

ready to rock your world, all right? I love you guys. I love you, Eric Rocha. I love you, Jim. I love you, Lee Syatt. You guys have a great weekend. Stay safe and stay black. Kansas City, here we come.

Take that fucking Mulee. It's a little bit funny. This feeling inside. Not one of those who can easily hide. Don't have much money, but boy, if I did. I'd buy a big house where we both could live if I was a sculptor But then again, no

Who makes potions in a traveling show I know it's not much But it's the best I can do My gift is my song and this one's for you can tell everybody this is your song it may be quite simple but now that it's done I hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind that I put down the world how wonderful life is while you're in the

The world of the verses, well, they've got me quite cropped, but the sun's been quite quite This song is for people like you that keep it turned on, so excuse me forgetting things I do see I've forgotten, oh they're blue, the thing is, what I really mean is are the sweetest now while you're in