The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #605 - Greg Garcia

Episode Date: August 1, 2018

Greg Garcia, the creator of multiple classic sitcoms, such as "My Name Is Earl" and "Yes, Dear," and "The Guest Book," which will begin airing it's second season in late 2018, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Solojitsu.com -  Exercise cards with a mix of the essential BJJ Drills. Tell them Uncle Joey sent you   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 07/31/2018.
  

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You don't even have to leave the house. the Japanese guy shows up. Number two, you know me, dog. I always come up with something new, revolutionary for you. You ready for this one? Solojitsu.com. These are those playing cards

that have like hip escapes on and rollovers, and what you do is you play by yourself. You're in a hotel room and you flip a card and you do 22 hippescapes. Whatever the fucking calls for it, you do, a push-up, whatever.

And at least you get entertained by yourself. Go to solojitsu.com and tell him my attention and take a look, all right? Kick this fucking mulee. Oh shit. August 1st, you bad motherfuckers. The rent is due.

Don't go planning shit. The rent is due, cock suckers. The church of what's happening now. Mr. Greg Garcia. The Christ Killer in the flesh. And your uncle Joey and the motherfucking Eagles. Shit. What's happened, Mr. Garcia?

How you doing, man? You know, I just forgot I even had that. You know who that is? No, I don't. sitting there trying to figure out who it is. His name is Hollywood Henderson. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, and this motherfucker was the guy that invented cocaine. Like he... Oh, my God.

He fucking took it to the next level, like in the NFL. Wasn't he on the dolphins team? He was on the Cowboys. He was a linebacker on the Cowboys. What was that running? And they did an article on him in 1980 in Playboy. That was one of the best articles ever read in my life. And then

Sergio Otega, a guy from the church found the Playboy at a flea market. and sent it to me, and next time I'll have it here for you in just the first paragraph. Yeah. Because I was a rookie. It was 108 degrees, and I was in Thousand Oaks. Yeah, in Oxnard.

Yeah, and Oxnard. They're still up there. They just started again, I think. Yeah, so he goes, at $203, a half a gram of Coke, and eight hits of acid. I mean, that's how the paragraph, something just crazy, you know. And then he goes on to go to Dallas and how he would come back to L.A. and hang out at the comedy store with Richard Pry and the Pointer Sisters, and they would fucking free-based cocaine, and then he went nuts.

But against the Denver Broncos, in the playoffs, right before he went to play the Broncos, he took a can of orange crush, and he fucking crushed it. And he goes, I'm going to fuck you motherfuckers up. And in the Super Bowl, he intercepted the ball and fucking scored a touchdown, so he was badass. Yeah. But he snort and blow with three hands. This is the 70s.

Nobody knows what to do with this fucking. The NFL's got him. The NBA had this guy, Marvin Bad News Barnes. They threw him out of the game once he came out with a 45, wanted to shoot the ref. You know, this is when they were still fucking crazy. Back when sports were fun. Fucking crazy. Yeah.

And this fucking nut is a great linebacker. You know, he's a great linebacker. His drug use is kind of coming out little by little. And then one day when they had the old coach Tom Landry, the real old guy. Yeah, with the hat, sure. They were losing on national TV. and this motherfucker got a towel from his

Drew Pearson had a towel company and he put the cow company in front of his dick like it wasn't a sexual or anything that's where you put your towels and if you're a quarterback and he went like this with the towel

number one the next day Tom Landry fired him like fired him knowing he was a Coke fiend I mean if you watch the footage today as they're going into the locker rooms after a game and people are going yeah yeah he's like yelling

party where's the Colombians at and all this shit. This is night. They're not ready for this shit. Guess who picks him up? Who do you think? What team picks him up? I don't know. Miami Dolphins.

Okay. There you go. Perfect. He goes to Miami. I don't even know if he got to play. I don't fucking remember. But he's down there maybe a week. And he pat, like he got caught for smoking pot. So now they can't find him. He's MIA, and they send the big guy from the, uh, Oakland Raiders that copped the guy that pow bam

Ormanowski no every year he has like his top dozen football players Madden oh okay yeah yeah madden they found they send Madden to interview and madden's like we're here in a disco in Miami in the afternoon and fucking Hollywood's like so what I smoked a joint with a store this and that was the end that's it then he went off the deep end but then he found Christ and then he won the lottery in Texas for like eight million dollars like the lot of and I don't know if he's back or not What a life. Yeah.

Now, when did you get that poster, though? A friend of mine named Bob Lainkas knew I was a fan. He was like his legendary. Yeah. And sent me this poster. I think he sent me a poster. He sent me two great books on him.

You know, it was just fucking crazy. Seven up didn't care that he was doing Coke. They put it right. No, they put it right. He's a spokesman. That's why I just figured that it was a seven-up post. I never even saw that before. Yeah.

America's turning up seven-up. Yeah. What's up, dog? How you doing? fresh fresh i like that new concept you have so you have this show they don't bother you so you'll never go back to network television i don't know man it's gonna be tough yeah this new one that they yeah they just let you do what you want which is cool which is cool so but if it sucks then it's all on you but it's it's uh it's been a good ride with this one i did a network show about two

years ago i was only there for two days didn't bother me at all i felt bad for the series regulars Because it was CBS. Yeah. And they were getting fucking tortured. Yeah, they'll have a lot of thoughts. I was sitting there, and I mean, the writers, and then some guy is making faces, and then the director would tell him no.

And there was just, and I'm watching this going, why does this even have to happen for us to make a dollar? You know, and something, the writers wanted something to work, but the network didn't. And I'm sitting there going, what the fuck? And it was a popular show got canceled now. It really don't matter. I mean, at the time, but it's so much fucking drama.

It's hard enough to do one of those things every week without having to be at war at the same time, you know, and protecting stuff and what have you. But there's a lot of places now, I think, where there have been a little more hands-off, letting you do your thing. With you, they're very hands-off. I mean, nobody bothered me on that fucking set at all.

Marin was I-F. Oh, yeah, I bet he can do whatever he wants. They don't even show up. Nobody shows out. You know, when you get into, and I'll say it, I'm 55 years old, I think the worst I ever work for was Fox. Yeah.

They just broke me. They really broke me early on. I shot five pilots for them. They just broke me. Yeah. They just, I couldn't. CBS has always been cool with me. NBC cool like a motherfucker, you know.

Yeah. And everybody changes so frequently too. And ABC was cool with me. Fox has always been the one that's always gotten on my nerve. Every time I do a show for Fox, there's a fucking, by the way. Yeah. Like, I'm in a trailer in a bathroom, or there's always fucking something. Even when I did the best dance sports show, there was always something, you know,

like there was always something with Fox that I didn't have with anybody else, you know. They're the only ones. That's it. CBS has been cool, but you know when you get to the set. It's like when you do what I did Spider-Man too. You know, you get people that open the door for you. Yeah. They pay them scale and open the fucking door.

And then you turn around to a $100 a day movie where ain't nobody doing dick for you. You know what I'm saying? They're like, Joey, we're also going to need you to open the door. Yeah, you got to open the door. You got to put your own, oh, did I tell you have to bring your own clothes? You know, those, I've done a thousand hundred-dollar-day movies. You're like, wow, I couldn't handle this. Yeah, run the kookaroo for us.

I mean, you know, Spider-Man, people would tell you, watch that cord. Yeah. They would, you know, Friday, Lopsetails on the grill. Come on. And all those people like eating salads, I'm taking lobster tails. I'm taking lobster tails to go. Yeah. I was stealing lobster tails.

I had more lobster tails in the room than red lobster. I was fucking, you think I'm kidding you. They had a grill. They had a 20-foot grill with four guys cooking fucking lobsters on Fridays on Spider-Man. Yeah, it's a different world. Now, they had the gallons of palm. In 2003, it was $5 for a little bottle of palm. It was like 30 for a thing.

I would go to Spider-Man 2 and first for breakfast. I would pour some and I had a duffel bag. best damn sports show dope bag right there at Sony where we shot there yeah I put the whole gallon of palm in the fucking bag and take it right to the $30 fuck yeah you got a squirrel away and then I'd smoke dope in the green room Sony has a back section that nobody knows about it's like a little hotel and they look like little barracks and they put us back there for the overflow they were out of trailers and I love it had a TV in it they had a phone you make a long

distance calls this is 2003 cell phone still banged you out for the minute I'm there like fucking carry grass. Oh, I'm calling Europe. You know what I'm saying? I'm making calls. But every morning I get there and I would be lazy. I got so lazy on Spider-Man too that I would just smoke dope in the barracks.

And then I would pop my head up and I'd see the costume lady pushing the car, the wardrobe in. And right behind there, I'd see Sam Ramey. And right before Sam Ramey would hit the building, I'd run out of the building and grab Sam. I'm excuse me, Mr. Ramey. I don't mean to bother you. So they keep smoking marijuana.

I'm a Christian. The shit has to stop. And he would walk and go, let me get to the bottom of this. That's a good move. And then go back and drink your palm. Did you see what the budget was for that? For Spider-Man? Yeah.

$200 million. Yeah. They were throwing away money for no reason. Like, those movies like that are fucking crazy. Once they get that big hit, I guess, then it made them $7.83. Oh, yeah. No, no. They dropped two to make a ton of dough.

The guy won an Academy Award for this. set designer for, he won the Academy Award for Star Wars. I mean, that movie was no shortage of dough. The fan they had, to keep you warm, because it was August when we shot that dog, they had a fucking fan that, I'm not kidding you,

had to be, okay, you know when he was on the train, when he was stuck to the train? That was a fan blowing at him. This fan was like a fucking airplane engine. They would tell you, get out of the way. People would fucking things would go flying and shit. You know, it was

crazy when you work on a movie like that it spoils you you know i had a couple of like i had like taxi and you know these are okay yeah and then when everything hit the fan and the hundred dollar movie started coming out and you're getting there they got like apple a jar of peanut butter with like a fucking fork in it and you're like oh i miss spide yeah there's like three half of donuts yeah spider man had walls of food yeah like well i'm not kidding you walls of fruit and fucking cold cuts and never mind the longest year when we were in Santa Fe. Adam Sandlin hired these women to just carry trays like this, like cigarette girls. Yeah.

And they would have smoothies and protein shapes. Like a cocktail party just walking around. We had umbrella girls. They went to a strip club in the Albuquerque and got umbrella girls. I want them a yard and a half a day so you wouldn't get a sunt tan. So you would look the way. We were shooting Earl once on Woodley and it was hot as hell. And we had a PA with an umbrella over.

over Jamie Presley. And somebody, she's, you know, and the PA's following her around a little bit, making sure she doesn't get all burned up. And somebody drives by and yells at us, yells something like, get the fuck out of the road or something. And Presley starts chasing down this car. And she runs about 200 yards chasing the car. And the PA's running right next to her with the umbrella on the funniest-looking thing.

You know, the PA's like, I'm going to get a fired if she gets it. Exactly. The sun hits her. I'm next. So he just kept right there with her. Kept her in the shade the whole time. How fucking crazy is our business? How fucking stupid.

Like I was, I worked in post, so I didn't really get a ton of it. But I had the guy who was the doctor and like Dr. Cox and Scrubs come in. And he probably didn't say anything. But the, my boss went around to everyone that danced. Don't look him in the eyes when he comes here. I'm serious. Like, don't look him in the eyes. You ever have that, Greg?

No, no. I had it. I had it. Who'd you have? Two sets with. Okay. The first set was in 2001 during when the surprise. was first very, very hot.

And I'll tell the story because he's a great guy. I think he was always cool to me. Politically incorrect. When you get on the set, they tell you, come here for a second. Don't touch him and don't make eye contact with it. But I got him laughing the one day. And then we, you know, and now when I see him, he's a gentleman. Yeah.

He'll try to fuck the wife. Whatever's name is Bill Maher. Okay. He'll try to fuck your wife right in front of him. Bill Maher's a savage. He don't give a fuck. Funniest thing I ever heard with Bill Maher was when I first moved here, Doug Stanhope went to his birthday party. Yeah.

Because he would hang at the improv and stuff. And, you know, he was like, so Doug Stanhope picked up some chick and fucked her on his bed at the party. And he found out about it. So Bill Maher called his management and the improv and the improv making Doug Stanhope proud an apology letter. He had to apologize? Yeah. Oh, my God. Dear Mr. Moore, I'm sorry for fucking that girl.

The first time I saw Doug Stanhope was so, it was a, it was a, it was a apologize. long time ago and it was for a showcase for a network showcase and it was I was like a staff writer on a show and somebody said hey do you want to go to this thing and I said yeah I'll go to it and everybody was getting up there so this must have been like ninety eight six seven something around there yeah eight maybe and so and he gets up and everybody's just trying to be on their P's and Q's it's all the networks are there whatever he got up there and just didn't give a shit and just went nuts and was hysterical nobody everybody was looking at

each other going this is a funniest guy nobody knew what what they would do with him so that was that but good lord was he funny david speaking of funny you see our boy made the fucking cover of rowingstone who wheeler walker no he didn't really seriously let's pull it up oh that's amazing that's amazing oh good for him yeah he hasn't answered the phone in days that's hilarious once you hit the cover fucking uh oh i got to see i got to see that unless somebody made it it up unless somebody just made up a fake cover and how is that high well what's the chance of that about 95 percent let's see i mean i hope he did i hope he did he's a guy that they wouldn't sell his albums and came on and he put it on the album like that was when i went and saw him live uh and you

you open for him that was a crazy night that was crazy i was standing next to uh ron jeremy the whole time I think Wheeler deserves it, but I think you might have had a one too many animals, Joey. You think so? I think somebody put out like a fake cup or something. Yeah, I get high at night. I understand. It's understandable.

Sometimes I go home at night. I'm lonely dog at night. Those fucking two broads go to bed at 930. Do you know what happens after 930 in my house? It's circus time. It's either smoke dope or eat myself. You know what I'm saying? I found a bag of expired edibles.

They were two years old. They were so fucking strong and so good. good that I went to weight watchers at game four pounds like the lady said what happened to you you were doing so great do they give you points for the edibles do they tell you the star that's 60 points there's 60 calories is one point okay so I always you know I'm saying it's not I got put down on the chart edible there's no cheap but you on my fuck yeah it's not on there no I can't go to weight watches and put chibichu let's try it let's see yeah just see for maybe you know one of these days

I'm sure it will be I'm surprised yeah they might have got with the program food oh my god let's see chiba chew chibb uh chew yeah seven points craft pizza cheese and macaroni fuck that that's because it knows what that's what you're gonna eat after you eat the chibu yeah no no no no no there's 60 the point the the stars of death were also they're done they're done you'll never see a star again no anarchy rest in peace okay

what they just stopped making them uh the government cut them down to a hundred oh okay The lady wanted to give me something the other day The one I Jew wanted to give me something the other day That I think I've put Lee through a lot the last six years And I love him very much And he's my little brother And I torment him I gave him heroin And I didn't give him heroin

Yes I do I always tell him don't go for a piss test Because you never know what's in you Oh my God They gave me a bottle of THC liquid That was a thousand milligrams And he comes to him with me, where he can take it to the syringe. When I saw the syringe for two minutes ago, I'm going to bring it just to petrify a leave.

And just, yeah, just chase him around the room with? I think he won't come back from it. Like, he'll never come back from me coming in here with a bottle. You're not going to syringe me. He would definitely go into the therapist and tell it on Friday. Joey can give you a shot. He doesn't need a nurse. No, no, no, no.

This wasn't even a needle in it. This is just the thing that you put out. Oh, just to take the water. Oh, then you sprayed in your mouth. It was very white. It was for white people. Gotcha, B. to be, you know, like, oh my God, look at this.

You take it and you put it under your tongue. You know, like now we have a spray. There's a spray that you could,000 milligrams, 20 fucking milligrams of spray. That's insane. But they cut it down because as of July 1st, the law changed. Again? So there's no edibles over 100 no more.

So those sheba shoes were the last. Now I got to eat ten of those to get out. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. That's too many points. Did you try the dropper? Because if you tried the dropper, Lee, I'm not bringing the dropper

because I don't think you'll come back. When I saw the dropper, it gave me goosebumps. He's looking out for you. And if it gave me goosebumps. I was going to say, if it scared, Joey. I don't think you would make it. I don't think you come. I think you'd sit here that night, do the dropper.

And the next day, it'd be like Marlon Brando and apocalypse now. The letter he wrote his wife, sell the house, sell the dog. I'm never coming back. He went for a pack of cigarettes and never came back. Oh, my God. You might be right. If it scares you, I'm not going to argue with you. Yeah, no, I was like, you know,

Lee's had enough in this life. Yeah. You the fuck in this fridge. I'm going to make a clip of this. It's funny because nobody anymore, like, he knew about it. And I was very surprised. We were talking about Nottors. I grew up in a generation of Nottors.

I spoke about it this week on stage that I grew up at a time that the light in New York. You know when you press the light and it tells you like 14, 30? That was a time the light didn't tell you that. Really? Yeah, it just went to yellow and then fucking red. Yeah. But junkies would be at the light waiting across the street, and they would nod at the light.

And then they would, like, go down to one knee and then get up. I mean, I grew up in a generation of nodders, and I was telling him that one time a guy nodded on a, because Jersey City was where you got methadone. So when we get on the bus to go to high school, we get on the bus with nodders that took the bus. Like if you took methadone They give you like a free bus pass

Yeah Yeah Like last week you gave blood And they gave you a $5 a certificate To a cookie And the soda They gave you a $5 a dollar It's the same thing

When you go get the methadone If you went down They'd give you like a bus pass And something else And this guy was on methadone Sitting on the bus Already gone And he had a newspaper open

It was open And he was drooling And the drool was connected From his lip To the paper Great Garcia and there was just a big circle. And this motherfucker was hitting,

you know how buses are you? Yeah. His head's popping all around. He wouldn't wake up. And those days, we'd shoot spitballs out. You're like, if we got on that bus

and you were on heroin, we were tormented. Me and my boys were tormented. These are the last five minutes of happiness the whole way? We started throwing spit balls at you and shit. I go, I got this. And I blew a fart.

Like one of those you-hoo. Because in those days, I used to always have a butter roll and a you-hoo for breakfast, and that goes right to your fucking, There's no cereal. There's no oatmeal in Jersey. It's a butter roll and a yoohoo.

Just bread and yuhoo. I never forgot. I blew a fart. And this guy was out, out. Like, he was like this. This is exactly what his eyes did. Greg Garcia. He was like, this.

Like, he just woke up and he looked around. He's like, man, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? They got that shot like Pulp Fiction that they give to people when they're, when they're too high on heroin. When they're going. If they run out of that. shot you could probably bottle your farts what do you mean bottle your farts get it to the the the uh the the paramedics because the whole smelling salt industry is exactly it's so fucking funny i have a friend who was a junkie

my dear friend we still talk every day he's my brother he's my brother i've known since i was and he went through a rough period and whenever they would so when he was my roommate he was on heroin i was just starting comedy in new york and every oh his job was every thursday he went to the park to move a few rocks, and they'd give them $140 in food stamps, and then he'd go to the city and trade it in for heroin, you know? You wouldn't even trade it for cash? He would just direct you for heroin? Directly for heroin for the food stamps.

And they'd give them a bus pass. But I wait until they get on the heroin, and I clip the bus pass every Thursday, because I used to work in the city. So for me to go into the city, my friend's father drove the bus, but even if I had to be at work at 10, I was so poor that I would have to get up at 6 o'clock bus, because he would let me out for free.

Now I could sleep late. So I would clip his bus pass. And I remember he'd get high on hair when he'd look at me. He goes, I know you stole my bus pass. I used to call him the pincushion at the time. He was my roommate. And he would get, he would go clean from Sunday to Thursday. And then he'd pick up that $140.

And he'd get like a gram of Coke and whatever you could. And was he sick from Sunday to Thursday? He would sleep and he would yell ostracies at me. All right. Call me a loser and tell me I'd never be. a comic and I loved them I knew he what he was going through so the time to time I'd give him 10 bucks and tell him to go fix and shit uh-huh but once Thursday came he would go into his grandmother's room and start fucking blasting and I mean when you went into that room Sunday Greg Garcia there was

blood on the walls you thought Sharon Tate had gotten killed from him missing the vein like and he would have to spend his whole Monday wiping down the walls I mean he would lose a gallon of blood every fucking weekend so me and my buddy's just used to call him the pincushion we'd see him walking back over the bridge and we'd beep him get in the car you fuck it was now he's cleaning sober like nothing happened but he knows when people are lying like as soon as prince is playing pulled over he called me and he goes prince got about a week left i swear to my mother's grave really yeah he sees it like one time we went to do the ardy lang show and when we left he goes i don't know what the fuck he's kidding he's high already yeah and

i'm like no he's not he's been sober for years but this dude's been there so much later So long. He tells. So it was funny. Yesterday, he calls me out of the blue. And I'm with mercy. I'm with my daughter watching the news. And I pick up for him.

What's up, George? And he goes, look at these fucking idiots. Demi Lovato is going through a rough time at the hospital. She OD on the 24th. She's not going through a rough time. She's dope sick, you dumb motherfuckers. Like he was arguing with the fucking newspaper. Yeah.

Like, he just picks up shit. He'll tell me little things. I don't see. You know, you think you're like a man of the world. but man he always picks shit off like he'll tell me this guy's eating pills yeah this guy smells like how are you know I can smell it I still smell that shit

he's like an airport dog oh my god he's amazing but he'll tell me when people I can't tell him I know people doing coke yeah I did it for 30 fucking years but I can't tell when somebody's doing like a pill or something like that they can't know yeah

huh who gives a fuck I mean, we're in a weird town. I was blown away when I moved here how much coke was in L.A. I'm sure there was somewhere in Boston, but I didn't hang around with those people. And everyone does... Why did you see cocaine? The first party I went to here was someone I worked with.

That's crazy. And it wasn't out on a table. It wasn't anything like the Hollywood parties that you hear about. It was just that they were taking key bumps is what they called. They had like... Right in front of you? They went into another room, but they said what they were going to do. And I hear everyone talking about it.

I've never, that's one of the few things I apparently haven't done. But, hey, it's talked very openly about here. And that's one that I don't hear about is heroin. I hear pills now. I don't know that's a huge thing across America. Because they're communities. Drugs are a community. Okay, like I'd sit here for years and tell you, I was a junkie for 27 years.

I think in 27 years, three people approached me for heroin. and maybe two people approached me for meth. Yeah. Because it's a community. You know, when I first moved here and Josh Roof will tell you, next time you talk to Josh, tell them to tell you about the heroin lesbians in the building. Okay. They were fucking hot.

I mean, torture. The one's father invented something. Yeah. So they got checks. At that time, we lived in the building. I slept on Josh's couch. He had the nine kids and the fucking wife and the dog and the brother. and then the building was crazy.

We had a Jew upstairs that thought he was black. And he called himself white lightning. And he sold weed. Then there was a Mexican guy on the third floor that sold Coke. Then there was a publicist. Then there was a chick that had the best tits you ever seen in your life, but she had no chin. But she still sucked a tremendous dick.

If you were coke, that you went over there and knocked on the door. But there was these, then there was a chick that was a light porn actress that was phenomenal. She was from Canada. I just saw her in a movie with Eric Roberts recently. Fucking phenomenal lived in that building. Yeah. But there were these two chicks that lived in that building that were beautiful. 25, you know, I never hit, you know, hi, how are you doing?

I didn't know the whole story. Josh knew the whole story. Josh would talk to him. Josh is good looking. They would talk to Josh. Josh would film in. They wouldn't even take shots. Josh says they have body odor because they were heroin people that,

Once your clogs filled up, you don't want to sweat because you don't want to sweat the heroin out. So when you eat chocolate, it activates the heroin again. I mean, then I got to meet them. And when they were telling me they always wore sunglasses, they didn't work, and they would just shoot heroin all day. But they were none. They would nod a little bit. They were both skinny. They were puking.

What a f-and-that's when I learned that there's community. Like any, they had 30 friends that would come over. They were all on heroin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you know anybody who does meth? No. Okay. They sell 29,000 kilos of meth a year.

Somebody's got to be fucking doing it. Yeah. I don't do it. I'm not running in a meth crowd. Yeah, it's so weird. Like who runs in these crowds? So that's why. They're little like pills community.

Yeah. I know a couple people. I know I have two friends that do massive amounts of blow and they eat massive amounts of pills. And every once in a while the guy calls me and he goes, Joey, you're a comedy. Do you know anybody? And I know a few people. I'll get them 100 of this or 100 of that,

but the community. And the price is like absurd. Yeah. Like absurd. Like I get 60 fucking Xanaxism. What do you call those anxiety? 1.2 pills? They last me a year.

I think I get them fucking $14. Yeah. You know what my buddies pay for pills? Like $13 a fucking pill. That's crazy. It's a big business. What are those oxygen? That thing that that fucking.

do was eating that we were talking about them rush limbo oxy cotton those things are fifty dollars a piece I heard yeah I don't know I never knew I knew one person who did oxy cottons in my life can't get off that shit either wow yeah that's it's uh it's scary

but but do you agree do you think that coke is maybe a bigger circle out here like I think I think there's you walked outside if you talked to people about coke when I was growing up it was you do coke and now it's like oh yeah it's fun you watch You watching Arcos at all?

Yeah. Did you watch it at all? Yeah. Did you see the part when they, he thought he was going to get fired and then he quit. But when the guy called him back goes, we'll make this bullshit, then go away. And they talked to him and they said something that they moved 370 metric tons of cocaine. A ton is 2,000 fucking pounds. The United States alone in the early 80s was doing 400 tons.

a year of cocaine. Good Lord. Somebody was doing it. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody was fucking doing. Where'd you grow up, Lee? Right outside of Boston.

Okay. And I'm sure they had it, but I was a dork. And I mean, I saw weed and stuff, but I, even talking to people, like, I would heard people about doing ecstasy. I heard about that more than I, but I didn't hear anyone doing heroin or math. When you grew up, where you grew up in Virginia,

was it a drug neighbor? of it. I mean, were you exposed to it? No, you'd see some stuff. There was weed. People smoking weed. I think I saw Coke like two or three times randomly. Ecstasy wasn't around, so I never even heard of that. There were guys that did acid. A bunch of guys that ended up following the Grateful Dead. They did a lot of acid. My first day of college, somebody put acid in my beer, slipped it right in the beer. Yeah. What did you think? No, it was the second day. First day, we were all drinking in the dorms and we were drinking vodka and the second night we were drinking and these guys came down

and they the night before it saw a Grateful Dead Poster on my dorm room and they're like hey man hey you want to take some acid with us tomorrow I was like nah I'm good man I'm just gonna drink so you sure I'm like no I'm good I'm good so then they called me down to the room me and this other guy and they're like come on down we're going to drink some beers and they gave me a beer Miller genuine draft I think it was and the top wasn't on it but I wasn't thinking anything They're like, here you go, let's have some beer. So drank and drank. And then I started feeling like,

something's a little wrong here, you know? Something's going on. And then I chugged the beer because we were playing some drinking game, and I threw up. And there was a little bit of blood. And I was like, what is this? You know, I got a little nervous. And I decided I'm going to go to the doctor.

I'm going to go to the doctor. And these guys drove me there. And then it wasn't until I got back. because the doctor was like, what did you do? And I go, I don't know, I drink a lot of vodka yesterday. He goes, I will take these pills, you'll be fine. And I came back to the dorm, and that's when somebody told me, hey, those dudes put acid in your beer.

And then I just was up all night and, you know, just finally fell asleep at about six in the morning, woke up around 10 a.m., went down to grab the empty bottle of vodka from two nights before, knocked on their door. One guy's laying in bed. The other one is standing at the door. I said, did you fucking put acid in my beer? He goes, yeah, man. He goes, we thought you thought it was cool.

You thought it would be me. And I hit him with the bottle and gave him about eight stitches in his chin. Blood started jumping out of his, you know, and they were all bigger than me. And then the guy in bed started to get up, and I told him to stay in the bed. So he did. And then they came back to school, and I was pissed off at them, obviously, because, you know, what the hell? And they didn't get in any trouble in the school. They ended up turning themselves in because they thought I was going to turn them in.

That turned crazy. And then the funny part, the ending of this was I decided, you know what, I'm going to sue these dudes because they're being assholes and they're flaunting it a little bit. I'm still pissed off that they did it. And I'm, look, I'm 18 years old. And I'm thinking, you know, I wouldn't do that today, but I'm like, I'm 18, I'm going to do this. I sue them. I end up suing them for $6 million. Right? Now these guys don't have, I hit them with a lawsuit for $6 million. They don't have any money. And my lawyer is my soccer coach when I was a little kid, right? So we're talking about we're going to go to court with them and everything. And this was all happening over the summer. And a day before court, my soccer coach pulled me and he goes, listen, man, they've made an offer. I'm thinking, all right, cool, what's this? They said they've offered $7,000. And I said, $7,000.

He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'll take my cut. You'll get about $5,000. And I go, but you were suing for $6 million. He goes, yeah, but they don't have it. And if you get up on that stand, you've got to sit there in front of everybody. You've got to talk about every single thing you've ever done. They're going to grill you. Your parents are going to hear anything you've done or your perjury.

I said, take the $7,000. Take the $7,000. It's fucking crazy. How you, an attorney could make you become like a fucking victim. It's sad. We live in a, that's the sad part of. But he was right, too. It would have been blood from a stone.

They didn't have anything. You know, when I robbed that jewelry store, when I was 18, It was the same thing. The guy made a smart move. When I disappeared, the cops were looking for me. The guy was a little connected. They told him, they said, listen, if you arrest him, what's he going to do?

Pay your restitution. I go in front of a judge and go, I only make $10 a month. I mean, you got a dollar a month for life. By the time you get your money back, so he paid the cops to look the other way, and he got the insurance in 30 days. There you go. Because if you get arrested, then you've got to get restitution.

guy was like, I'm not going to rest. Yeah, I didn't want to chase these guys down the rest of it. One other thing was they said, when we hit him with the lawsuit, they said to my lawyer, they said, hey, we're going to counter sue you because your client, you know, hit our client in the chin with a bottle and he got eight stitches in his chin, so we're going to sue you right back. And my lawyer quickly said, well, yeah, my client was on acid. I mean, he's not, he's not responsible for whatever the fuck he did. Quick-thinking soccer teacher. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He was a good soccer coach and a good lawyer. So yeah, that all the, that was a crazy little intro to college for sure. You know, it's so crazy.

I was telling Lee that it's like my situation with my ex-wife. You know, we have a really bad situation. I have a 27-year-old I'll talk to. And a couple weeks ago I wrote a letter. I was like, you know, I wrote all the things how I fucked up, you know. And there's times to that I go, you know, someday she's going to raise her hand, you know. But she can't. She can't.

Yeah. Because she's going to expose herself. to even worse, you know, it's even worse for her. She's a pillar in her community, you know, she's, all I do is open one thing. She could probably sink me, but I can sink her because those type of people are very concerned about what people think.

Do you feel like she did? She came through one time and she goes, I'm changing the baby's name because the friends I hang out with aren't really crazy about Spanish last names. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. She's part of that community in Boulder, that they're very,

avant-garde and she can want the kid to have a Spanish last name. Now, you wrote the letter. Did you send it? No, I lit it on fire. Now, why not send it? I wanted to come clean with myself. Yeah. You wrote it for yourself. Yeah, you know, for a long time I had anger.

I had this anger at it. I'm like, listen, let's say it was 1995. Was I really ready to be a parent at 95? Yeah. Would you leave your kid with me in 95? I don't think so. Not that I was a bad person. Yeah.

I just wasn't ready. How old were you? 32. Yeah. I was 32 going on 16. I was mentally fucking, you know, between the drugs and the deaths and the fucking damage I had been through. I was done, you know?

And I said a lot of things and I made a lot of actions, but I'm not stupid either. You know, this is one of those situations where you did this and I did this. She could never, like, She could write a book about 85 to what she saw in those six years would fucking destroy people. It would destroy people. But she was right there with me.

You know, like she would make me take piss test for marijuana, but she would break into my house and steal weed. She's one of those type of people. You know what I'm saying? So you'd never win with those type of people. Like I would say to her, I would get to my house and I could see the trail of weed

because I always had weed in the bottom freezer and the lettuce thing that's why we keep it moist in colorado the crisper the crisper yeah keep your in there and this when i was dealing pounds she would go in there and take weed and then go to the probation department they would test me for marijuana so that's the playing field she was at yeah so when she went to that playing field i took it to the playing field that i grew up with to the fucking seek and destroy you know and i was telling lee that when i did speak to her a couple years ago i I apologize to her because we went to court one last time for contempt, and we went up in front of the judge that sentenced me.

And by this time, I had this judge in my pocket. I was writing them letters every month. Tom, I'm trying. I'm going back to school. I got my GED. I'm turning into a comedian. I'm trying. Thank you for giving me a chance.

Thank you for sending me to prison. I mean, I had this guy. I had him. Just in case something happened again, he had documentation. Yeah. We walk into civil court, and there he is. and I won. I never forget on the way out.

They told her, if you don't show up with the kid again, it's contempt the court, we're going to lock you up and have a sheriff. And I remember walking out of there, and that 200-yard walk was the worst walk of her life. Yeah.

Like Greg Garcia, I said things that are you in Bain doesn't say. You know, I went way below the belt in front of her husband. Like, did you ever tell her I put the carrots in your pussy and you say i mean oh yeah oh no and she even brought the detective that arrested me to be a character witness against me like he was how he's still involved in drugs and he's telling me to shut up and i'm like you shut the fuck up bitch you can't arrest me i'm just talking out here this is

this has nothing to do with you and her face is red and then when they walked out they were a husband and couple team i said so many things to her like i stuck it up her ass with the carrot i call it Kathy Carrots. How long did this court stuff go on for? I mean, it's so toxic. It went on from 91 to 95. It ruined me, Greg Garcia. It ruined me financially.

It ruined me because we were friends. We were friends. This didn't have to happen this way. But I knew after the third month of our separation that I was going to have a hard time with that kid. Something was going to go down with this kid. That was her weapon to show me. you know that was her weapon to show me that she was the boss so it was weird when I got in that car June or July 1st of 1995 and I left bold I knew I knew that my life was in

chains I was never going to be a far was never going to get invited to a first communion or I knew yeah you know you know it was done and then I would come home I booked the Taco Bell commercial I was making a lot of money here and I would go home to meet her and at that time since I had left the state, I really had lost my rights to see her. So I would call her and say, let me meet with her on Wednesday. And she would go, okay, and then she called me back. Oh, she's too busy with Girl Scouts. She can't come see you.

So that's how. And then she took her out of the country. Playing games. She moved to London for a few years. It was rough. But now you get to do it all. What do you mean? Well, with your new kid.

Well, now I got a second chance. Yeah. And this is why I'm to the book with this then. I'm to the book with this, Greg. Like I told you, I had five lives. Like, Katz got nine lines. You know, before I was telling you I was a volunteer fireman for a while. And then, you know, the start that I was telling Lidia on that about the 90s, you know,

that the success I have today in comedy is because of the work I put in the 90s. Yeah, yeah. I heard you talking about that. Yeah, sleeping on buses and trains. And, you know, it's, it's, so I don't know. You get to do it all again. And there's nobody that isn't going to be a better parent in their late four. 40s and 50s than they would have been in their 20s and 30s. I had kids in my 20s and 30s,

and I know I'm a better parent now for the youngest one than I was for the, you know, for the other ones because, you know, you're young. You're young too. How old is your oldest? 20. And what's your relationship? It's great. It's great. I would say that's the roughest relationship as he was growing up because he knew what he wanted to do. He was, you know, he was more, you know, bullheaded than the other ones, I guess. And then I was also working a ton. You know, I would work on my name is Earl. I'd work 14 hours a day, you know, every day.

And so I would see people, I'd see the family on the weekends. Because when I left in the morning, they were asleep. And when I got home in night, they were asleep. How was that, Greg? How does that feel? It's rough. It's rough. You know, now, you know, they all turned out great.

My kids all turned out great. So I'm not going to say like, oh, I wish I would have done that because also that afforded us opportunities for other. things, you know, it's a balance. And I think, you know, a lot of people, you know, in your 20s and 30s, you know, it's a balance of just like, you know, you got to provide for these people. And at the same time, you want to be there, you know, so I tried very hard on weekends to be there, you know, and not work on the weekends. And then when I did have time off, you know, you get stretches at times off, you know, in TV during the hiatus. And I'd make sure I was around for that.

But I know for a fact, you know, I'm definitely better dad now. I got more time. I got more time. now too but but you just you mature you know you're less selfish you you know everything everything I was not ready for anything like I was not ready for my marriage you know I told Lee that I failed that marriage who fails at marriage it's the simplest thing in the world you fuck and you talk that's pretty much it yeah I mean you fuck and you talk and you communicate when I failed at divorce I don't know was my Catholicism or me being me it really got to me that I had failed that something so simple with a human being that's it hey listen you fail at fucking rock climbing that's one thing yeah you come and you take a bronze and skiing in the olympics that's another thing us failing as human beings

that's absurd to me yeah but you also have the added uh you know uh stuff of you're talking about having to deal with another person, you know. I mean, you're rock climbing. There's just a rock. You know, you got to fail at a marriage, you know, it is a two-way street. I mean, you know, there's a lot going on there. I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about that. Don't there is, Greg, because no matter what happens throughout the arguing or whatever, there's got to be a point before you, before you, uh, go to the court that I could turn at you and go, Greg, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah. seven years here three we dated before that that's 10 we need this yeah you think you'd be able to figure

it out then really grang we need all this what the fuck you you dropped the half a mill that you didn't have i dropped 200 grand that i didn't have plus another hundred in credit cards that i didn't have for what what did we both fucking we lost 800 thousand dollars we're not friends no more she doesn't have a dad she has a stepdad who did a great job i can't take nothing away from but that always comes back to bite you in the ass no yeah but everybody wants to win it's about ego it's about ego so i put it in simplest terms as i can you ready she got a life and i got a life i got to become my comic and she got to get away from me and raise her daughter the way she won it's just like man on fire a life for a life yeah that's it's man on

fine a life for a life this time as i sit here i go oh jesus christ you know she was there the night i robbed those dudes with the nine millimeter you know she could she'd go on any talk show today and tell three hours of stories but i got stories yeah you got stories too i got and you got more places to tell them so oh yeah and i've told half of them and i got a forgery story that that that that shit don't go away yeah i'm saying i got a forgery story that i could get fathers behind me support you know what I'm saying like father's groups this father's groups that I just had too much pride to contact them at one point that you contact them and they're groups and they tell you all I have a friend uh I can't say I grew up with him another guy I know from the fifth grade he married a chick

that her father had so much money they just you can't think it like the wife changed her name yeah he hasn't seen his kids since she was three just vanished vanished. Went to court, beat him in court for sole custody. He got visitation. She turned it around. She turned a rehab stint around for pain medication. He had broken, like, a leg, got hooked on pain medication, like in 2001.

And she turned it into this fucking, and I know this guy. This guy's had the same job all his life. He's one of those dutty dudes. I just grew up with him. He's never, no contact, no nothing. Yeah, I definitely if I would have if I would have married any number of girls that I dated instead of my wife, I don't think, you know, it wouldn't have lasted. You know, there's luck there too, you know, finding the right person. But, you know, growing up, there wasn't a lot of divorce growing up where I was. No, no, no, no, no. And then I moved out here, I moved to my neighborhood probably 16 years ago and I met about, say I met like 10 to 12 couples, 11 of them. divorced at this point and it's crazy crazy to me and I said to my mother I was saying that to her and I was like yeah 11 she goes that's because that's because you that's because they have money

and I said I don't know about that people you know get divorced she goes no it's because they can afford it she goes you think I would have stayed with your father we could have afforded two houses she goes you think for a second if I thought I could get my own house I would have been and I thought yeah yeah I can see that I can see that but it also reminds me of something that somebody said once they asked this old couple they said how did you stay married what was your secret how did you stay married for 50 years and he said well we didn't get divorced that's pretty much it we kept fighting but you know we just stayed i mean i have good and bad days with my wife yeah but i couldn't imagine a life without my wife at this point oh no absolutely

no absolutely especially a guy like you that worked 14 hour days and she covered the spread oh she uh most wives are like oh no no no i couldn't have done any of that you you know Fuck you. She ended up, you know, she's got to carry the load for all that stuff. And I think you're also in the thick of it with a, with a, with a, with a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a goodaginner. I mean, we've, the most we ever fought was when the kids were little. When we're stressing about the kid and, and we're arguing over what's the best way to deal with the kid and whatever. And then I notice as, you know, as the kids got older and we stayed married longer, you kind of mellow, you, you, you mellow out with that stuff.

And, and it gets to the point now where, like, if somebody raises their voice or it starts to get, mad it's almost like the other person's like oh shit this is that important to you no no no that's good you got it your way we don't need to fight i grew up in a house bro where i was yelling and screaming and drove me crazy i hate walking into a house with his yelling and scream yeah it reminds me in my house growing up i hate that shit so i always swore you know thinking over the years i don't like drama in my house like i don't even want to see a fucking beer bottle in my house like i like coasters and shit. I'm all those fucking assholes.

I always think that your house should be your sanctuary. You know, like I go home for peace. Like when I was married, the year before I got separated, I would go home to hate myself. Like, we didn't really, it was a, it was a home without a heart. Have you ever lived in a home without a heart? I have been lucky not to, but I can imagine. It sucks. I lived in two homes without hearts.

Before my mother died, the home didn't. and have a heart. It was like two people who lived together, me and my mom. Yeah. Then when I got sick, she became mom again, but it was too late. She died two months later. Uh-huh. And then when I got married, I lived in a home.

The last year was a fucking horror show. I basically went home at six, ate dinner, kissed a baby, and I was a doorman at a comedy club. But it was like I didn't want to be home. That's a horrible feeling. No, that's rough. When you have a child and you don't want to be home. And I've worked with guys that don't want to go home.

And it's just like... It kills me. Yeah. Those type of people fucking kill them. Yeah. So they're either in charge and they're keeping everybody there because they want to go home or you see them just staying after it's over. And like they're just staying in their office. And I don't get that, man.

That's, that's rough. That is rough. I can't imagine. I've had 50,000 arguments with agents over the years about this shit that we do and how it works for me and what doesn't work for me. The every other week works for me. And time off, like in June and December, works for me. You know, these guys that go out a lot with kids, I don't see it. Yeah.

You have to be home. Yeah. You have to be home. I love doing stand-up and making money. We all do. Especially because they got to go on the weekends. Yeah. And that's when the kids are home.

I mean, there's one thing if they can get out during the week or something because, you know, kids are busy a lot of the time. But, yeah, then those weekends are important. They got the games. They got whatever else. Other thing I do is I don't talk about, I never bring any work home with me either. I think that's a key sometimes too. Do they ask you like, Dad, was it cool working with this guy? Dad, how was it working with this chick? That's not what your house is about.

No, no. I mean, once in a blue moon. I mean, my oldest son, he's interested in entertainment business, so he'll ask more questions. But, like, I won't come home and talk about work at all. Like, we've just finished shooting the season two of the guest book. My wife doesn't know what it's about nothing. And she'll sit down and watch them all, and that'll be great because I'll have a fresh audience. But I don't come home and talk about work at all.

There's too many other things going with three kids. There's other stuff going on. They don't need to hear about it, nor do they, they don't really care too much. Now, what's your typical year look like now? Well, now it's been pretty relaxed now because with this new show, we do 10 episodes at a time. I write all 10 of them myself. So I just take my time to get those done. and then we shoot them for 10 weeks

and then we edit them for about two months. So how long does it take you to write the 10 episodes? Usually, it depends on the episode but usually what I'll do is I'll have a pretty good idea. I'll let something just like kind of marinate in my mind a little bit.

I'll be thinking about it. I'm not even writing stuff down but I'm just thinking about it for a while. Then I'll sit down. I can usually write a script in a day but I sit down at 6.30 in the morning and I don't get up out of that chair except to go grab something to eat. Sometimes my wife comes and back at the house says,

walk around a little bit. I won't get out of that chair until four in the morning and just write. And I'll just force myself to just keep going and going and going and going. And by the end of it, I got a first draft. And then next couple days, I'll kind of mess with it a little bit and play with it a little bit. But it's that one day when I decide I'm going to write, I just write it on the calendar and that's it. I just sit there and I just refuse to get up until it's done. I could do two hours of the shut Yeah Because of my back

I can do two hours Then I force myself to get up and walk If not I'll stay there all day Yeah And that's not Buono either for me Because I'll lose my fucking mind Yeah Those four walls

And you're not really on a But also you're not on a On a deadline necessarily right I mean because you're writing You're collecting all your stuff But is somebody saying to you It's got to get it by here We got to have it then

That would kill me Yeah That would kill me Because I'm not confident than my writing. So when I wake up the next day and I look at it, if I wrote two paragraphs,

one paragraph always goes. Yeah. What the fuck is this shit? Like, what the fuck is this shit? Yeah. You know, so one paragraph always goes. So I'm basically writing a little every day, but I'm also cleaning up yesterday's garbage.

Yeah. Well, you got to just write down whatever and don't worry about it and just get through it and then go back. So I write four different things at once. When I wake up in the morning, I have a notebook and I put my feelings out. I feel like shit.

This is what's going to be. I can't believe I did this. I'll never eat those edibles again. You know, just spill whatever's on my mind. Yeah. And then I have a notebook that I write to my daughter every couple days. So what's going on in my life? So if I die, I wanted to know what the fuck I was thinking about that time period.

That's very important for children, so there's never any doubts. When my mother died, I left a lot of doubts in my life. I don't want my daughter to have doubts. This is what it is in the Bible. And I'll wrap them up in rubber bands. and leave it in the fucking safety deposit box or something. Yeah. For mercy.

And then on the iPad, I have jokes now. I really like the iPad that my wife got me. There's a writing up on there. And I have jokes in there. I have the book. Then I just have individual stories. Yeah. Like this one I'm writing is about martial arts in America today.

When I joined martial arts, it was a black dude that walked around with a shinsu, wooden sword. And if you giggled and shit, he hit you with the fucking sword. and you had to do push-ups, and you had to bring your karate teacher a report card. If you didn't get good grades, you were allowed to go in and do jumping jacks and sit-ups, but what you weren't allowed to learn,

he would make you sit there and do fucking homework with your uniform on like a fucking dunce. You know, you can't do that today. Yeah. I take my daughter to martial arts, and I had to tell the teacher a few times. Yo, tell her the fucking knock it off. Tell her to stop doing somersaults.

Tell her the stand of attention. Don't be scared. yell at my fucking kid yeah that's why we're here yeah that's why we're here for discipline yelling them i don't look at me don't look at me look at him he's the fucking boss for the yow yeah you know uh i got a little pissed last week for the first time i got to be honest with you guys she came home with a medal and i go what the fuck is the medal for and she told me that there was a race but she raised herself so they gave her a fucking medal so yesterday at karate she couldn't do the punch combination she started crying

Whenever we get home, she'd always get out of the car and she'd won a race. And then she'd say, I win, I win, I win, you know. I wanted to teach how to fucking lose sometimes. It's not all win. I play a card game with her. She's fucking good at it. She beats me every time. I got to cheat to beat her.

I actually have to cheat to beat her. And she gets pissed when I beat her, but I got to show her. Yeah. You have to show you. They got to lose to get that feeling in their stomach so they want to win the next time, you know? So I was taking it to Jiu-Jitsu, but there was one guy. and there was no other kids and she was learning great stuff but I wanted to see what her reaction would be the kids her age You know what I'm saying if I hire you to come over and beat Lee up you're not gonna beat Lee

You know literally if I give you a day to come over and train Lee You don't let Lee choke you and shit because the day you bitch lapped Lee He's gonna come tell me you bitch slapped them and that's the end of your 200 a day Yeah, no I'll give you an extra yard for punching him in the fucking stomach that's the school I come from I want to see him in his worst. So when life fucking real, you know, when I went to karate,

one day they kicked me in the stomach so hard that they knocked the air out of me. When you're a kid and you get the air, oxygen knocked out of your description. Oh, yeah. You think you're dying. And I'm never telling my mom, I'm not going back,

and my mom goes, listen, you either get back in there right now while I'm punching the stomach 50 fucking times. You won't even get oxygen in that fucking stomach for 20 fucking years. You understand me?

And she made me go back. Today's society, your parents aren't allowed to do that. Don't call the cops if a parent sees you do that. Yeah. Yeah, my buddy was telling me a story about he just put his hands on some kid's shoulders because the kid was acting crazy at the park and he said, oh, come on buddy. And just they went nuts on him. Don't you touch my kid, blah, blah, blah, blah.

My kid's fine. And just, you know, just trying to move him out of the way. I tell my wife because my wife is part of the white generation that she cares. They tell my wife all the time, mind your fucking business. About three years ago, she went to a park in a thousand oaks or something for one of those fucking things, and there was almost a child abduction. Ever tell you about that? I told you. I told the story.

And how they do it is they cause a commotion, and then you go run over with your kid, and they steal your kid. And I told my wife, don't you ever run, turn your back on that. My wife knows the rule now. Yeah. Don't ever turn your back on mercy. Listen, I don't give a fuck. I had to tell my wife about a month ago at a pool thing. Give me a favor.

I'm not here to insult you. You know, I love you and respect you. I make the cash in this house. Put that fucking phone away. Watch your kid. Don't turn into the studio, city of parents. I've seen shit in this vicinity here. Yeah.

That'll make you fucking curdle. I've seen people bring their kids to swim class that are allowed, you know, like mommy and me, and they put the nanny in the pool with their kid. Yeah. Nanny. Well, they sit there and fucking text and do whatever the fuck they do. Parents filled with tattoos. and shit what do you think this kid's gonna grow up to be what are his chances yeah so

with me I'm old school you know what man I did some bad things growing up and had some bad breaks but I got myself out of it because of what I learned as a young man what was instilled in me by my mother and I learned all those lessons I remember dog oh sure I remember my mother going if you don't get back in that karate school it's not gonna be good for you in the casa yeah it's gonna be a long night for you the cause I'm gonna beat you to like And I was like, I used to get spanked all the time. I would get hit with this metal ruler.

And there was no doubt that I deserved every single one I got. And it made me think twice about doing some other stupid shit. It was it. It was the way to go. It really is fucking crazy. It was the way to go. How much time has changed. But I kind of got pissed at that.

Like this Friday, they're doing two buddies are getting married. Yeah. At the camp, I got to go witness two bunnies getting married. You know, all that shit's cute. I like it. But there's a lot of shit that's going on today in the kid world that fucking doesn't cook from me, Greg Garcia. Yeah.

Just you're not doing nothing good for this kid. You're not doing them any fucking favors. No. I trust me, especially my younger one, I see these other little kids he runs around with, and they run rough shot over their parents. And it's just like, what the fuck, man? How are you going to be talked to like that? It's like, kids just saying, no, uh-uh, ain't doing it, you know?

And it's like, what? That freaked me out of the kid. because my parents weren't like I got spanked a few times but that was the extent of it but when I saw kids talk back to their parents and like yell at their parents oh shit I almost died yeah first time like first time I saw like a white kid my neighbor white kids were notorious for yelling at their parents I'm not doing it I saw that shit and I was like ooh that's fucking stitches my house that's automatic fucking stitches that talking back yeah my mom used to give me this back hand

It was called on top of auca, just a backhand. Like, if I said something wrong from time to time, it was like effortless. You'd just give me like a bam. My lip would bleed and shit a little bit. Like, I got a thousand of those. Yeah. I remember getting a beaten once at a restaurant.

And do you know my mom used to, the Cuban doctor we had in the days, the Cuban doctor would make a house call. But my mom was in with him so much, he'd go listen. There's no reason for me to come back. Here's a syringe, and there's some penicillin. If you get sick, just give them a shot yourself. Yeah. Bro, my mom was shot happy with that fucking thing.

Because I was a sickly fucking kid. Every time you sneezed. Oh, come here. And she would get me in like an, what's that when they hold your head? A little headlock, yeah. Because I would go, it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt. She would get me in a guillotine and fucking stab me with the needle.

And I'd toughen up so I'd have a bruise halfway down. You know how many blood clots I had all these people that died from blood clots? Go fuck yourself. I had so many blood clots. There was a time she gave me a needle. I couldn't walk before fucking days because I would feel. fighter. I would fight them. I had this doctor called Orlando Dovallia. That was a Coke fiend.

So he would come over to the house. He'd take my temperature and he goes, Antonio, we're going to have to give you a shot. And I'd go, all right, let me think about it. And he loved it because he'd go out in the room, have a couple drinks. Yeah. Do a couple bumps of Coke and shit. And then he'd come back in and give me a shot. I didn't know he was a Coke head until I got old. The years later, he'd come and join. Don't move, hold. I'll give you a shot. And then

after my mother died, he was my family doctor. I went to him for years, Orlando, Davao. Yeah. So I cut a deal with him. I would give him an A-Bow every week and he gave me prescriptions for steroids with my friends. So all my friends had Anabar and Winstrow

and I would just bring him an A-ball. And the last time I saw him was a discotheque in New York and he came up to me. I'm like 19. He's like 50. He's like, Jose Antonio. Get in it by la Cuella.

That means what do you got for your head? I go, a pinina. Aspirate. He goes, ooh, many guys. So he just walked away from me. And that's it. And about two years ago, he's still alive.

in Miami they stripped his license yeah because he had two kids that were my age during the 80s they stole all his prescriptions passed okay and fuck them were giving out valiums and fucking Xanax's this to the whole time he does all that shit and the kids screw him over the kids screwed him over dog hmm there was a time in this country that you didn't go to school you got to the doctor's note the doctor charged you 25 for a note yeah did you know that no you would just go to you could you could you could stay at the school for a week given the wrong number And then just go to a doctor, say, dog, listen.

I need the doctors, no. Well, what's wrong with you? Doc, well, $25? Yeah. And they give you the $20. They give you a doctor's no. You go into school and give them the doctors no to tell. You can't do that no more.

Where are you getting $25? Don't worry about it. I don't know. You sold drugs. You're stealing from your dad. Somebody's got some $25. Greg Garcia, what else has happened? Oh, man.

So what do you do now, talk, Toby? You're just editing? Just editing? and then this show should come on in October, and I got to figure out what's next. Actually, you know, just thinking about some ideas and, you know, I'm going to chill out a little bit. I did not know about the Jimmy Buffett thing.

Oh, yeah, closed in about four months. It did not do as good as they expected, but it's going to go on a national tour in 2019, and they think that's where they're really going to get the audiences. The New York audiences, the theater critics, they were not ready for a Jimmy Buffett musical. you know, and you really need those really good reviews to get people to come in Broadway. Did Jimmy Buffett ever show up?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he would come on special occasions and play at the end of the show and stuff. And he was great. He was a cool guy. I loved working with him and everything. Ended up hanging out with him down in the keys and flying in a plane with him where he's flying the damn plane. And it was a lot of fun. How old is he that?

70 or 71, one of the two. And still plays shows, goes out. there with just shorts and a t-shirt and no shoes and tell me he still gets 10,000 people a show. Oh, he sells. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, he'll sell out major, major stadiums. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And that's why they're going to strategically, what they do is now the show will tour and it'll go to all those cities where he sells out, you know. And so once we get out of New York, I think it's going to do pretty well because it did great in La Jolla, in New Orleans, Houston, and Chicago. It went to all those places and sold out the whole time.

Did great. Then went to Broadway. They booked a theater that I think was too big, 17-100-seat theater. And, you know, you've got to sell those seats to keep the lights on in those places. Are they going to put another show in? When did Margarita Bill come out? I got to go and take it quickly. Yeah.

Keep them entertained that. So do you write this Broadway play? Yeah. So we wrote the story for it. So basically you take Jimmy, they tell you, look, here's. Jimmy Buffett's music, we want to sing all these songs in the show. You guys got to come up with, I wrote it with this guy named Mike O'Malley, you guys have to come up with a story that it makes sense to hit these, you know, to hit these songs along the way. So you got to sit down and listen

to the songs and be like, all right, well, what are we going to do here? So you listen to a song and then maybe you think, all right, I'll create a character that's in that song. So it'll make sense when they're, you know, when they're singing that song. So you kind of create the characters listening songs, then you start to figure out a story and see how it all weave together. So it was a big math project, really. Because I was lucky. I went to a lot of theater as a kid. I got to go to Broadway.

But it's very different because you just said you wrote, you write sitcom scripts in a day, 24 hours. How long does it take you to write something like this? Well, this was ridiculous because, I mean, I don't know how long it took from just like sitting down and writing, but the process would take, it took four years. Wow. It took four years because other people like that. the producers and the director they're working on other things. So like you'll turn in a script.

You won't hear anything for six months. And then it just keeps changing and changing and changing. Like, you know, you do so many performances of it and so many rehearsals that they just want to keep changing it and changing it and changing it. So it takes forever. Have you ever written a play like previously? No, no, no. This is the first time. I didn't even, I didn't go seek this out.

I was sitting in my house one day and actor, writer Michael Malley called me up and said, hey, you want to write a musical? And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about a musical? And he's like, yeah, man, he goes, we got, it's Jimmy Buffett's music, and we got all the producers and the money and everything's there. And all we have to do is come up with the story. And knowing that my oldest son is wanting to be in theater and wanting to work with Michael Malley again, I was like, yeah, let's just, why not? And I thought at the time, what's going to take a month, two month, we'll write this script, we'll be done with it. And then four years later, that's how long it took because of all the stuff.

And it turned out that Buffett was a fan of my name is Earl. And that's why when my name came up, he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, get him, get him. him and and so it was interesting it's a different it's a different world because I'm used to being in charge which is nice you know when you have a vision that you can just go do and make sure that you get it you know the way you want it and you can direct it yourself and whatever but that wasn't the case with this you know I was like I was the I was the writer and the director was in charge and so that was a rough transition for me to all of a sudden sit there and watch him give the notes to the actors and not necessarily like I'd give him my notes but I couldn't give my notes

directly to the actors. So I'd have to give him my notes about like, hey, this would be funnier of this person said it like this. And he'd be like, oh, okay. And then I'd watch him go give the note, but he wouldn't give the note all the way right. So he wouldn't really give the note. So you're just sitting there going crazy. And then you've got to give the note again and again. And it was a, it was an interesting process, that's for sure. Was that your first shot at theater? Yeah, my first and last. I'll never do it again. It's so competitive in New York. Yeah. That's why people go to New York, bro.

Oh, absolutely. It's to go in a fucking seat. Half of them get one ticket, which they fucking bang you up for. Oh. How much were the tickets for Buffett? They were any way. I mean, I think they started to go lower and lower, but I think you could get in there for about 80 bucks. And then if you want to sit in, like, the best seats, it's like $250.

You know, and they're trying to sell 1,700 seats. How many shows a week? Eight. Eight shows a week. So what was happening with that show? That's 30,000 people you got to get in every week. A week. 13, 14 Gs a week

You gotta pull it down And what was happened on the weekends They were doing really well But then you know Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday You know It wasn't it wasn't You know

They weren't filling the place up And they had to shut it down When did Margaritaville come out 77 You imagine that So 77 I was about 13 Yeah

And I would smoke pot And I would go to the shitty Diner on Tony Lee Avenue It was horrible Horrible It's not there And nobody remembers It was just like a ghost.

Like nobody, it was even on wheels, this diner. And they used to have those jukeboxes, you know, like they play, C-10. Yeah. And we would listen to Margaritaville. And we would smoke pot and go in there. When the waitress are coming, we would laugh in the face. And then she would say, I'll come back when you grow up.

You know, that type of shit. Yeah, we'd all drive to the beach and listen to Jimmy Buffett. That was the craziest part because, you know, my friends back in Virginia, they're all big Jimmy Buffett fans. And my wife is a big Jimmy Buffet fan. And so they came to the shows. I flew everybody down in New Orleans. they met, you know, Buffett and everything. That was the best part of the whole thing.

Like, I don't, it works, it doesn't work. It doesn't matter to me. I just, you know, it was a whole experience. And to be able to live that with the people that you would listen to that music with. And all of a sudden, they're just like, this is crazy. I'd be in my office writing, working on stuff. And I changed some of the lyrics to make sense for the story. I had to change some of the lyrics.

And my wife would come in and she'd be like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm changing the lyrics to changes in latitude. And she's like, this is crazy. This is insane. So it was a trip. It was definitely, I'm glad I did it. Not going to do it again, but I'm glad I did it. It's so funny when you came in.

Let me give a shout out some. Yeah, go. Cassius Morris, congratulations on your 100th episode, one-by-one podcast, always there. Brandy Lynn, I love you, Dakota, U-Tep, Vinny Tokes, Tom Betts, Sin Quirin, killing him over there in Europe, man. Do you see his pictures? Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ. And my man, Wayne Woods. Don't forget, next Thursday, KC. Improff, bitches. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I'm going up against Rogan on Friday, so I won't see nobody there, but I'll see you motherfuckers Thursday and Saturday.

And then at the end of the month, I'm in Huntsville, Alabama. For one show. And then I go to fucking Nashville for four shows. So if you're in the area, stop in and say hello. You know, it's funny I was at a pitch meeting. And people always, you know, well, this is a cross between masters of the universe and the sopranos. and people and I was sitting there going

nobody ever says this is a show about this and fucking raising hope or this is a show of this and my name is Earl because nobody does what you do bro yeah those shows both had they both had pretty specific you know one guy you know what was one one guy got a serial serial killer pregnant and took her and took the baby and then yeah the other guy had to listen everything those were pretty specific

pretty specific story. My name is Earl caught me when you had the episode with Leguza, I'm on. That's what I became a fan. That was a real. Then you had Josh Wolf was hilarious running the shirt on and shit.

Running around in that field. I'm like, this motherfucker is crazy. But just, I was telling Lee, I go, Lee, I can't find my name is Earl. Hulu. Hulu. Because it was on Netflix. And I used to watch it.

I used to download them. They won't let you download them because they're NBC. Yeah. So I would have to fucking watch them in hotel rooms. And after you came on last time, I go, let me watch this in the beginning. First of all, the people you got on that show. We got some good guest stars.

Oh, my God. Number two, just, he was great. He's great. Oh, yeah, he's great. He's great. And, you know, I always had a crush on Jamie Presley. If you don't have a proud crush on Jamie Presley, you make real. Yeah, what's wrong with you?

Exactly. And I haven't seen it. I used to see a UFC fights. Oh, that's right. She would go to the USC fights with Joe and fucking yell and scream. I'd be sitting like 10 feet from her and I go look at her. She's a fucking handle. She loved those things.

Yeah. I ain't seen her one night. I'm thinking this chick might take her shoes off and going out after the gun. Like she was into it. Yeah. She was dark. Then she got pregnant and then she got pregnant and then she just had twins. She had more kids.

She's on that show, Mom. On CBS. Yeah, she's on there. I know we talked about it last time, but we had Bert Reynolds on My Name of Earl. And when he was there, he signed, I have a smoking band of Trans Am, you know, Blackwood, the Gold Eagle. You have the car. No, no, no, no. I have one of them.

I have a car like that. Okay. You know, when I was eight years old, I saw that car and I said, I'm getting that car one day. So I have one like that, not one that was in the movie, but one exactly like it. And so he, I drove it to set, and he signed it by the stick shift. And he signs to Greg, you're the real band at Bert Reynolds, right? So I've had that for 15 years, sitting in my garage. It's all careful.

Took it to work about a month ago. Guy said, hey, man, I'm going to get this detail for you. I'm going to take care of the whole thing. I said, look, look, look, look, look. That's a signature from Bert Reynolds. Tell the guy, don't touch that. He goes, no, I got it. I got it.

I got it back at the end of the day. It's barely there. The guy just scrubbed and looked like he scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed and try to get it off. And so I'm pissed, right? And I never get mad. And I'm just like pissed because I've taken care of this thing for 15 years. I go to the guy, go, man, what the hell?

What's going on? He goes, I talk to the guy. He said he just put a towel over it and he never touched it. And now I'm even more mad because I'm like, all right, look, look, come on. I can't. So I said, that guy has to show up tomorrow and more and I got to talk to him. So he comes in and I said, hey, man, come on. What's the deal?

You put a towel on it? And he goes, he hung his head and he goes, look, man, I messed up. I was on the outside. I had another guy on the inside. I looked in. He was doing it. I forgot to tell him. I screwed up.

And then I was like, all right. Then I was like, fine. Like, I wasn't mad anymore because I was like, all. That's fine. People, I fucked up. People fuck up. What are you going to do? I mean, there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm not going to, you know, but now at least I can sleep because at night I couldn't sleep. The towel, someone put a towel on it. I was going to say to him, hey, look, I got some molds on my back. Can I borrow your magic towel? I'm going to give you a present that's going to make that all go away. Yeah. Next time I see. All right.

Well, I found out he's going to be. I'm going to track him down because he's going to be in town doing, uh, Tarantino movie. Brad Pitt and Linaar DiCaprio and stuff, Bert's going to be in that, so I might have to track him down, give him to sign it again. He was one guy that I expected something completely different, and I got something completely different.

Yeah. Like he was dynamite. Yeah. I expected just to not talk to him or whatever, and at the table read, he came right over and started talking, and I was like, okay. And then in the mornings, I, you know, I'm an old, I like to get up early.

He's an old man. Yeah. So he'd see me and walk over to me. And we'd talk and time to time, I'd be smoking a joint. He goes, what are you doing? Nothing. He would smell it. And he goes, I haven't smoked that shit in years.

And I would just put it up and he would hit it a little bit. And then he would walk away. Yeah. Like he was just. Yeah, he was great on set. He just sit there and tell story after story after story. Dog. Yeah.

That's the one man show. I have his one-man show, by the way. That's what I'm going to give you. Okay. I have his one-man show. I've never given another show to anybody. He gave it to me as a present. All right.

Did he do it down in Florida? He did it in Vegas. Fucking climate about him and meeting Jack Dempsey and just hours, but him going to an audition. What's the guy that he went to an audition? We were trying to figure it out when, what's his name? Ed Quinn was on here, an actor. Okay.

that he went to an audition for Kazan. All right. And the guy that was in the hook in that movie showed up with a gun and pulled the gun on Kazan. Like, he just has hours of those. Yeah. That when he got a call from Clint Eastwood one day or Steve McQueen and said,

I'm picking you up. We're going out to Vegas. And he goes, what are we going to Vegas for? He goes, remember when we started, the director that fire on us? He died. And I always told him I was going to go pissing this fucking grave. Let's go piss on this fucking grave.

Then he did the thing that nobody ever did. He brought Don Deloese in. Yeah. To the longest shot. And that was like, for a guy like me, bro, that's like watching Lucy and Desmond. Oh, yeah. You know, they were old and they started telling stories. Oh, I bet.

And it's, if you like all that shit, you know. Yeah. You like all that shit. Yeah, I couldn't stop asking them questions. Well, I was speaking about people bringing up your shows. I was just listening to Burke Crackcher's podcast and he brought up the pilot to yesterday. Oh, really?

Because I didn't, I never watched the pilot, but it was, I was thinking today, like, He was the pilot? No. He said he auditioned for, but he said it was the best pilot he's seen for a sitcom. And I was, because there's a lot of people, like Seth MacFarlane has Fox, Lauren has NBC, Chuck Lorry has CBS. You kind of have TBS. Like, I remember going home in high school and it would be the King of Queens,

which isn't you, but then yesterday, every day, like, five days a week. And I loved yesterday. And then they put Earl on TBS. Yeah, TBS bought a lot of my shows after after the fact. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's cool that Burt Kreischer said that. I'm a big fan of Burt Crischer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, you have some great shit, man. I mean, it's, like I don't, I didn't like Breaking Bad. Yeah? Been, the characters didn't sell me. Sorry. You didn't sell me. Yeah. I've done MET.

That guy don't look like he does MET. You know what I'm saying? I've done Coke. It wasn't real enough. It was, it felt like something. It was bought by people. Seriously, and I'm normally going to get a lot of backlash with this. I didn't enjoy it.

I didn't understand the hoopla. Sons of Anarchy, I'm not a big Kurt Sutter guy, but he did a great job with Sons of Anarchy of what he had. Yeah. It's a Miami Vice music type shit. Yeah, a little soap opera. But his arc and everything was beautiful. That's why I watched my name is Earl.

Yeah. I wanted to see what you had done just to watch, just to learn. You know, you don't want to watch a shit shot. You want to watch the show. Yeah. You're the man. And just the ark. Just what?

Because I have that, that redeeming, like, I'm trying to get redemption. I wrote the letter to my ex-wife. I apologize to the guy kidnapped and then he didn't show up to my shows. Yeah. I'm in the same boat as that guy. You could do the reality version. My name is Joey D. My name is Joey D.

You know? Where is he? Jason? Yeah. He's in Texas. retired? I think he's semi-retired. He told the Scientologists to take a hike.

Yeah, yeah, he's not part of that anymore. I think he's semi-retired. I was trying to get him to come out and do an episode of the guest book, and he couldn't make it work with his schedule because he had just done this photography book, and he was doing a lot of book signings for that. But I hope to work with him again soon. You know, I got to get in touch with him because we had this.

Remember that show at Orange County Choppers? Yeah. All right. So at the time. They got the mustache? Yeah, with the mustache yelling at his kids and stuff. Yeah. And I just had a kid and I was always up late at night with my kid and I'd watch that and that show Deadliest Catch. And I got into Orange County Choppers and I thought at one point I go, I want these guys to make a My Name Missouri motorcycle, you know? And so I looked into it. We talked to them and we all decided, all, we're going to make this motorcycle and we're going to then auction it off for charity. So we went out, we went to their place and hung out and was in an episode of their show and then they were an episode of our show. they built this big chopper, this thing. I can't even reach the handlebars on it. It's this big giant chopper. So we auctioned off from Make a Wish Foundation. Well, I bought it because I knew I was

always going to buy the thing. So I bought it, and I gave it to my uncle who lives in Virginia. So he's had it for about seven, eight years or something. And it's a cool looking bike. But he was riding it the other day, and a bolt flew out the front tire, and he almost crashed. And he called me, goes, you've got to take this thing. You've got to get, you got to take this thing back. I don't want it around here. I'll ride it. I don't want to ride it. And I I said, all right, right, right. So I actually got to get in touch with Jason, because I'm just going to see if Jason wants that thing,

because he likes motorcycles. I don't know what the hell I'd do with it. It'd have to be a piece of art just sitting in a room somewhere. So I'm going to hopefully get in touch with him soon, and hopefully he takes this thing off my hands. You know, Greg, you're a breath of fresh air. It really is an honor always to work for you and just to be around you because Hollywood's such a sack of shit.

It's rough, man, isn't it? And you're one of the only guys that's like the anti- Hollywood and you're really good at what you do. Oh, thanks. We had fun. We had fun on those episodes. Let me tell you something. I don't want to talk about it. All right. I don't want to talk about it. We want to talk about it. Yeah. Oh, my God. I haven't told anybody. Yeah. It was fun. You know, I signed like a confidential and I agree with myself. I love it. Because I can't wait for people to tune in.

Yeah. We'll bring you back before. Yeah, yeah. We'll talk about it. It's so weird how you're the anti. I went to, you know. I did a couple of episodes of them dying up here. Yeah, okay. Great people, nice people. I had great time. But I went to the party and there was a mistake, Greg. Like, I don't do good at those things.

I hate those things. And the other day, like, I hate those things. Like, I have a lot of problems. I can't sit in a room with no windows. That's what happened to me on your set. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what happened. I want to apologize to you for my behavior.

You don't have to worry about it. go give blood, if I give blood in the room with no windows, I pass out. Yeah. If I could, if there's a window, I could I don't get anxiety. At the comedy store, my anxiety, when I walk up those stairs to the original room, it's

definitely fine. It's like I'm going to go get hung. Yeah. But as long as I know that there's a path outside, I'm okay. Like, I could never be one of those kids in that Thai cave, that little dirty soccer coach and try to take him down and fuck him in the ass because that's what he did. Let's face it. Why take a bunch of little Chinese

these kids deep, deep, deep into a cave. He was going to fuck him and kill him. Don't tell me, I know a criminal when I seen one. That guy's got a lot of explaining to do that little dirty Filipino, whatever the fuck he was, Thai, whatever he was. Those people are filthy fucking animals. Don't you go to Thailand to fuck little boys and shit? I think that's where they go.

They do have a reputation for that. Yeah. That's what he was like the leader. He was like the fucking Sandusky. Oh my God. The Philippines or Thai. I'm sorry Filipino people. You know, I love you.

You're Catholics. I don't think everyone was to Thailand for that. There's other things to do in there. What are you doing a fucking cave? I fuck people in the ass and leave him for dead. I think that's it. That's it. I don't think he'd go into a cave.

They couldn't even a fucking see. He was planning on fucking him in the ass and then leaving him. I know those Thai people. You think I'm kidding you. Case close. I ain't no fucking swami, but I ain't no fucking half a fact either. I know exactly how the fucking business. I love you, great guys.

Oh, Jesus. Thank you. Thank you for all the shows and thank you for everything. Thank you, man. Always a blast to talk to you. The anti-Hollywood, but I want you to think about that today on the drive home. Why else with that coach take those kids into that fucking cave? If he wasn't playing them, fucking him and killing him.

All right. The last guy that three people in a cave was fucking the ice man. Remember the ice man that killed a bunch of people for the mafia? No, he took him in a cave? He had a cave in Pennsylvania, and he would take you in the cave, film it, and let the rats get to you, cut you and let the rats eat at you. And then film it, and then when you, like, let's say he tells a particular story about a guy, that his daughter got raped by some he told two stories where somebody's daughter got raped and he went

and took the one guy and fed him to rats the other guy he posted to a tree in florida and sliced his skin off with a razor blade threw it into the water rubbed them down with kosher salt nice and juie and then threw him into the ocean when he saw the sharks he took the guy's own skin to lure the sharks you got to read the book good lord so he would slice inches off his belly and throw it into the water to feed the so the sharks came and then once the guy was nice and cut up he just untied him

and threw them in and he put it all on tape and then he'd Greg would you give me 75,000 there's your proof and he'd give the guy the tape at the rats and the fucking guy who raped your daughter nothing good happens in a cave nothing I'm telling you nothing what are going to show me in a cave

and then they had to go on the water and canals oh he was going to fuck those kids good he was going to shishabob those motherfuckers I love you motherfuckers Have a great weekend Greg Garcia thank you Don't forget anything by Greg Garcia's

Fucking gold Yes dear Raising fucking my name is Earl And now the guest book Have a great weekend Stay Black We'll be back Monday The 6th ready to rock

Kick this fucking Mulee I can't lie No more of your dog Nets Came to fade to black and white, frozen here And changed you where you lie to miss red