The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #607 - Chris Porter

Episode Date: August 7, 2018

Chris Porter, a comedian seen on "Last Comic Standing" and who will be shooting his newest special this year in Denver, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Solojitsu.com -  Exercise cards with a mix of the essential BJJ Drills. Tell them Uncle Joey sent you   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    

Readings from Podcastville. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by Onit. Listen to me. I fly like a fucking animal, and I use Onit fucking supplements in and out of airports. What's the one I, Shroom Tech, immune, Shroom Tech sport, fucking tremendous. As far as AlphaBrain, who always gives you fucking 100% money back guarantee and they don't want the product back?

Nobody has that shit. That's why I love Onet. That's why I fucking work with it. That's why I've been with them for the last seven years. So do me a favor. You want to get some great supplements? whether it's the Mexican chocolate protein powder the way or gam, everything they got is solid. Go to honor.com on checkout press in church bam and get yourself 10% off delivered right to your

fucking house who's better than on it nobody number two I love this product right here there's my new favorite friend on the road solojitsu.com you're like joey what the fuck is solojitu dot com it's a deck of cards he just flip it over and it tells you to do practice sprawls and you practice brawes Then this one here is standing up the door pulled. It's just standing, you know. And then this one here, you bend it over, and you got fucking bridge bridges.

This is it. This is a tremendous little fucking thing. You're just a little product. You're in your hotel room. You can do hip escapes. And you can do whatever it tells you. It's a solo game. You play by yourself.

You smoke a bowl. Whatever you're into. Go to solojitsu.com and take a look. You're going to be fucking surprised. Take that fucking Mulee. Oh shit. Wednesday. morning. No time to fuck around. Are you kidding me or what? Church of what's happening now,

motherfuckers. Chris Porter. The Christ killer. You motherfuckers have taken a lot for granted. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's Wednesday morning, cock suckers. Kansas City. I'll see you motherfuckers.

Tomorrow night. Are you fucking nuts or what opening up with Judas Priest, 1980? Kansas City's own fucking Chris Porter in the house. What up? What's up? Thanks for having me, man. Oh, always a fucking pleasure. I just read about you every fucking weekend on Twitter that you destroy another room.

And it's so weird how people just think you just showed up. Like, I love this about comments. me late like people like where you've been where have I been I started comedy when you were in grade school you're fuck you know what I'm saying where that's where I've been motherfucker yeah man it's so crazy how people just think you just popped up dude I was I did the comedy store the other night and Rogan looked at somebody goes is he knew and I was like fuck dude I've been here for like 10 years man but yo you changed yeah you don't have that kid looked he no more you know a little jufro for a while yeah no glasses yeah yeah now you cut it so

now you're respectable. Yeah, I look like an adult. You trimmed a beard. Absolutely. I got a girl that does it for me now. Sure, yeah. Yeah, it's nice. Listen, it's really weird when you've been in this town for a while and you see comics

and we've all aged. We've been kids when we got into this fucking game. Yep. We were kids. Kids when we got into this shit. And all of a sudden now you see comics and they have families. I know Greg Fitzsimmons and he was single. you know shit like that like

madge brani before kids Brian Cowan Joe Rogan for Christ's sake yeah and those are the dudes that made it then there's a bunch of dudes back home back home

that never made it out here because they had the kids too soon it's crazy I got a buddy I talked to him he came out and opened for me and Shalani's like I think I'm about done I got two girls and it's like

I don't know what to tell you man you know it's rough for people to know the types of comics that are out there. There's National Touring headlines like Chris Porter and Joe Rogan, people like that, Bill Burr. Then there's guys that are just regional that maybe they have a job as a schoolteacher. Maybe, like one of the best comics I've ever seen working

is a guy that's Chicago. I forget what his name is. And now he's on a radio show in Chicago. Yeah. But he never left because he had four kids and his wife and him were schoolteachers or something. Absolutely. And, you know, I told somebody about him once I go, dog, I opened for this guy in Myrtle Beach, and he destroyed the room.

And the guy goes, is he about five or eight? I think it was Jimmy Schubert, who told me the story. Yeah. Jimmy Schubert goes, bro, let me tell you a story about that fucking dude. Because the dude has a joke about a bus driver about the, yeah, we got some, and he's a white dude, but he does like a black bus driver. And he breaks down every candy they have for the day. This is 20 years ago. Yeah.

We got Jujubis. We got M&M's. It was a joke that weren't something like that, but it was just a brilliantly written joke. Like, you sit there as a comment and go, wow, I'm really watching, like, good comedy. I was doing comedy like eight years, nine years, and this guy's like a fucking pro.

And when you saw those, you know, when we were in comedy doing eight, nine years, when you saw those guys, you're like, wow, I'm not to be that good. Absolutely. It's really weird that this guy, I was telling Schubert about him and Shoeber goes to pro.

Years earlier, when Kenneson was alive, the rule was when Kenison played your town he was coming to the late show at the comedy club so if he did the theater in Kansas City he would shoot to the improv for the second show and the owner would tell you listen there people called on Friday Saturday we're going to pay you

as soon as we give you the light get the fuck off Kensington's going to go up on stage we're going to pay you just don't worry about it It's like when Chappelle would show up to the punchline back in the day yeah like you don't let your ego bother you yeah here's your money This is your money. Just go home.

Have fun. Enjoy your paid week off. So supposedly they told this kid, Kennison in town. Kenison came in. He saw Kenison and started speeding through his material. And Kenison goes, no, don't give him the light. This kid's killing me.

Yeah. Kid got on stage and Kenison didn't even follow him. No. Coniston, I said, I'm done. Yeah, I'm done. You have to come on the road with me. And the kids are like, I can't. Yeah.

I have three kids. I'm a teacher, you know, shit like that. Absolutely. Their story is just like that. Doug. There's a guy. My favorite comic workin's is Chad Daniels.

And he's getting his due for the most part. I think, but I think that guy would be humongous. But he lives in the middle of Bumpfuck, Minnesota.

He has to drive two hours to get to the airport, I think. But, you know, he's just a good family man. And he's like, he wants to be around his kids and shit,

but probably the funniest dude working right now. I wouldn't, I don't knock those guys. Yeah? Because they knew exactly what they wanted from the very beginning.

When I started in Denver, there was two or three different types of comics. There were comics that wanted to be stars, Steve McGrew. There were comics that just did triple runs and kept it local and had a day job, played it safe, maybe had a girlfriend. And then there were comics who were reckless, you know, the ones that you look at and you know that doing comedy just as an excuse to drink and party. That's it. And get pussy. You see them. You smell them a mile away.

You know, like that's... Well, I think the really good thing. comics run through all three of those phases. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, you really have to find, that's why it takes 20 years. That's why it takes 18 years. That's why it takes 16 years. Dude, I love it when a comic that's

been doing it four years ago, I found my voice. Oh, I laugh my ass off. I know exactly what point you're at. Yeah, absolutely. Just by talking to a comic now from doing it for so long? Like, I know where you're at. Like, I know that you kept, then listen, you have no fucking idea. Yeah. You found a voice.

You have no idea, and you don't want to put yourself in a position where because he'll be traumatizing. It's like going to Vietnam at 16 and seen 22 dead fucking people were shooting themselves in the head. That's how traumatizing it is when you get somewhere

where you don't need to be or something like that. There's a pattern and there's a system and there's a formula and that formula has worked for 2,000 fucking years and guess what?

I've seen that formula work and I've seen everybody have a different formula. I remember people going to me. I remember this kid from acting class once. I came to the store saw me and like, this is

98. Yeah. 99. I had been doing comedy maybe nine years and he saw me like the next acting class he's like,

I can do what you can do. And I remember even then looking at him going, like at that time I just came off that bombing in Buffalo. Yeah. Like I had this life-changing bombing.

Okay. Like we all have these bombs Oh, absolutely. Along the way that you remember like you have a bomb at the fourth year that's traumatizing. There was a bombing I took at a Buffalo at a bar,

and it was a Buffalo Sabre game. At halftime, that was the, that was the Kigg. Okay. You did half time of the Buffalo Sabre game. They just, I didn't know. It was just a place where they threw you. It was like gladiated. Oh, that's.

It was like Burr in Philadelphia. Yeah. It was like Burr in Philadelphia. But Burr knew what he was going into when he attacked them. Yeah, he'd seen like four people who already get eight. I didn't know what to do. So I got attacked. Yeah.

So is there like, because burn in Philadelphia doesn't seem like a bomb to me. No. He almost had it. It was like, oh. He went reverse. That was what made it brilliant. Okay. He didn't let himself bomb.

He went up there knowing nothing he could do. Yeah. That's very strong. When you look at an audience and go, you know what? There's nothing I can do with these savages. It's like when you get yourself involved in those midnight shows, remember those? Oh, absolutely. You open up your mouth.

I'll do a midnight show. And they're fucking. Pukes coming out of their eyeballs people are passing out yeah and you're bombing going wine to like myself involved in a midnight fucking show yeah like those remember a year 20 years ago the midnight show had just come out and it was always late started a quarter of one you're lucky you're dead you're dead yeah you're dead they've been standing late the host did go 20 that's hammered yeah he you're dead those late they had to do away with them the improvs did away with them because the comics even said it by the by the second show

some nights. You don't know after, especially on a Tuesday, when you go to work on a Tuesday and work by Saturday, you don't know what's coming out of your mouth. You don't even know where you're at. Three shows on the Saturday. The second show, you're like, did I say this already? Dude, I opened for Tracy Morgan like 13 years ago at the West Palm Improv and he was doing hour 30. And they'd still have me do 30 in front of it. And so I think the midnight show actually started at 1.45, so I went on at two. Those shows didn't even get over

till four. Like, it was insanity. It was insanity. Have you said a joke multiple times in the same set ever? Oh, they'll tell you. Oh, no, you see it on their face immediately. The curtain has been lifted. No, so that's what I'm saying. So you've done it before. Oh, absolutely.

But you get four words in, and you can just feel it. It's like, it's like you said abortion. Like, you just, it fucking gets sucked out of the room. It's terrible. You have no idea. The journey, I sit, like,

the main question I want to ask every comic in this room that comes in here from now on. So young comics that are listening is at the four-year mark, did you have that epiphany? I tell, well, as comics, we have that, the first five years,

every six months you ask yourself. Am I doing the red fucking day? Is this? Yeah, because I think four years in, I was kind of on the road. You already featured? I was starting to work originally. Yeah.

The first time, my four years. Yeah. Yeah, four years in, I was already featured. Like, listen, when you start in Kansas City, it's not hard. If you're a little bit funny and kind of cute and you can carry 25 minutes, you're going to get a lot of work. And I think that's what I learned very early is that, and no offense to the people that struggle. But for me, being funny was kind of easy. It was like it was trying to have a point of view.

Right, we're all funny. Yeah. Everybody who gets on a stage has to have a slight angle of confidence that they said or did something that they thought was funny at one time. Yeah. Like, I didn't start realizing it. Like, people would tell me, but I didn't really start realizing it, like about a month or two before I got arrested.

Yeah. Was it like, maybe I'm onto something. Maybe these guys are right, but now, come on. me I do blow but then Tim Allen got arrested for coke yeah Richard Pryon lit himself on fire so I was like me these are all promising things for a guy that doesn't all promising fucking thing yeah and then I got locked up in the prison library had ladies and gentlemen Lenny Bruce okay I was telling Brent this our jih Tzu guy the other day after the comments I went to his house to watch the fights and I was telling him I go you know you I read that Lenny

Bruce book and I was like, wait a second. So this guy works at the strip club and goes in between strippers. Right there, that sounds pretty much fun. Then he goes home to the Chelsea Hotel, a hotel. That's fun right there.

Living in a hotel, that's a fucking blast. And he hangs out with jazz musicians and other strippers who come back to the hotel, they live there too, and they shoot heroin. And they sleep all fucking night. And they get up at 7 or 8, eat dinner, and go do comedy at night. I'm in.

Like, I was like, I could pretty much handle that. Yeah. That's what I was built to handle. But that's sad. Chris, that that's all I thought I could do at 28. I'm like, I could do that. I could shoot a little heroin. But did you, had you done heroin?

Did you realize how this, oh, okay. So you knew how destructive it was. At that time, I had snorted heroin maybe once. Yeah. Twice. But that's a way different thing than putting it into your... Right. No, no, I wasn't going to shoot heroin.

No, no, I don't like needles. Yeah. That's what they're saying. I was just going to do a couple of bumps at night. Yeah. What I, I just wanted to be part of something that wasn't part of something. You wanted to be a pirate? Like, I wanted to be, yeah, like, I want to be a Boy Scout until I joined.

Yeah. I'm like, there's too many fucking rules. Yes. And then when I was a kid, you know, maybe I could be an associate in the mob family. Too many fucking rules. You know, it was just everything I wanted to do had always too many fucking rules. This was the only thing. that really had no rules.

Like there's no rules. You just show up, you say what you want to say, you do what you want to do. Yeah. And there's no rules on either side either. No, and then they come to you one day when you're doing comedy four years and go, hey man, if you keep doing that type of material,

you'll never be on a letter, middle of one. And right there, you have to decide. Yeah. You know what? Fuck it. I'd rather be myself. Yeah, they say fuck than not be on. That's big decisions when you're a comic.

You have to make it the fourth or fifth year or go, you know what, I can work a clean set alternate. There's a lot of great guys like you that could do a clean fucking set. I can't do a clean set if you paid me. So what, like, what do you guys, because there's a few different levels of, when you say dirty, like they're swearing and all that. But something I've noticed since I've started is people who are like, I don't know if you call it shock or whatever you want to call it, where it's like they're just saying things that don't even, I don't think if you wrote them down would be funny, but they're trying to get it grown or. Well, you don't have a point of view. Okay. So your point of view is to go up there and shock people.

There's no point of view. Some audiences will laugh at the, I can't believe he just said that. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Very few of them, but like stone frat boys will laugh at that shit. And you don't know how many times I've seen dudes go up on stage and do something. And you go, oh, I know what happened. You said this shit when you were high around your stoner-ass friends last night and it killed.

So you remembered what you could, and now we're on stage, we're hearing it. And we're not high. And we're not your friends. And none of this shit's really fucking funny. That's fucking crazy. I've done that a thousand times. We all have. Absolutely.

We all have. That's crazy. You just find yourself going, oh, there's something I didn't say. It's wild because, I mean, as a comedian, I'm trying to, I like to make people laugh. I don't know, because Joey said something to me a couple weeks ago that I've really been, not struggling with but thinking about. He said that I should try to work clean, at least a little bit at the beginning.

And I don't see myself as dirty, but there's a couple jokes that I do that talk about sex. And I don't, it's kind of, because there are no rules, it's kind of hard to know. Does that count as dirty? Can I not talk about sex at all? It's like, it's,

I'm trying to figure out what's allowed. My advice to young comics is to write clean. Because you're, you're going to say fuck because it's your natural person. So if you write fucks, and then you get nervous and you say more fucks, that's double fucks. So, and then that gets too many fucks.

So, like, I say right clean. Remember the bits clean. So can you talk about sex at all or no? Is that dirty? I'm talking about, like, curse works. Hold on one second. You could talk about whatever the fuck you talk about as long as you know what the fuck you're talking about.

You have conviction. Would you eat a woman's asshole? No. Then don't talk about sex because you have no right to. You won't need a woman's ass or so you have no idea about sex. That's why I told you. Don't talk about sex. You've never come.

You dated a girl for four years and refused to come in the mouth. You bought into the fact that she didn't like morning sex. So you can't talk about sex because you're not a sexual person. Why aren't you talking about those things on stage? That's the funniest thing in the world. That's the fuck. Four years you never came in her mouth? It's fucking ridiculous.

It's fucking even on accident. Oh, no. You think odds are. It's ridiculous. So he's not a sexual dune. It's like, me kind of going on a stage and talking about computer nerd shit. Yeah, yeah.

I'm not computer nerd, but I don't know nothing about that shit. I don't even know the URL is. No, do I want to know? You know what I'm saying? I don't know nothing. You got to, so you should be talking about how you're not a sexual person. I, well, I guess I don't want to, I'm not going to do jokes, but I think it's more like my,

because I had years of girls who, even before my ex, I had multiple exes who just were into it, but not really. Into what? Blow job? I would say, well, I had one girl say, don't go down on me because I'm not going down on you. That was the worst. That's the end of that relationship.

Yeah, that was it. That was it. But you attract that. That's half of that. He attracts that because he doesn't set the rules in the beginning. Yeah. I'm learning to now. And that's something that you learn along the way.

But back to the comedy. For me, with him and anybody else, like when I started, I didn't write, Chris. I didn't write. The first year I didn't write. I went up there and I thought I could just, I thought it was just showing up. Yeah. And I bombed all the time.

And then I got a job as a house MC. And I started writing, but I realized something. That was the same people every week. So every week I had to write a new five minutes. What an education that was. Yeah. And every week I died of slow death once in a fucking while. I still remember using props, guys.

Remember when Madonna Vogue? Yeah. When they had the cones on their tit? Oh, absolutely. I came out with Cone doing night. Like, I tried everything. You're talking to a man that used to walk him on stage to a rap song. I'd say, hey, everybody, you ready to have a good time?

They go, yeah, I go, you ready to have a really good time? Say, hell yeah. They go, hell yeah, I go, all right, let's get naked. And I take off my shirt, and I was super skinny. And, of course, no one took off their clothes, so it would get weird. And then I'd go, oh, okay, well, you guys kind of bailed on that. So here's my impression of a greyhound. And then I would get up on the stool, and I would suck in, and all my ribs

show and I would look like your grand hand like that was my opener so like I totally get fucking a strong open with weird shit and a music kid you're just finding your way yeah it's years it's years you know and I'll never forget this guy going to me like yeah I'm gonna do what you do and then a fucking week later I saw him he said he got a showcase from Montreal yeah he was doing a set at the black club on Wilshire that's still there that nobody talks about it. The comedy union? Yeah. It's on Pico.

Nobody talks about it no more. Nobody. Well, no, none of the white people. Yeah, but nobody. Even black people. I don't have I was talking to Jackie Fables about it the other night. Really? She goes down there? She goes down there, yeah. Like, it's the weirdest thing. Like, I was down. I didn't

know what the fuck were talking about being down there. Weird openers. Finding your voice. I don't even fucking know. It just, it takes so long. And it, oh, he got a union. That's what it was. That kid went down there to the open mic.

And somebody from Montreal gave me a showcase. His third time on stage. And he called me up on my Twitter, on my pager. And I go, what's up? And he goes, bro, how long have you been doing comedy? For I go nine years ago. I've been doing comedy three times. and I'm already going to Montreal.

Yeah. Well, that guy's going to fucking sabotage his career before he even knows it. Listen to me. You don't know. This is the beginning. Yeah. He died a bag of death. Never went to Montreal.

Then he opened up a restaurant up here. Yeah. He took his family savings, his wife, and he opened up a restaurant, and they would do comedy in the back patio. And he was the house MC, and he was trying to get people. But he wanted clean comedy.

He didn't believe in dirty. Like, that's why he hated me. He didn't like dirty comedy. And he opened that up and that died of slow death. He's back in New York fucking as a waiter. Yeah, he's about five years ago. He's a swing manager at the Fridays. I love when people come up to me and they're doing comedy five years.

And they're telling me what they're doing. And I'm like, I know what you're doing. I've been there. You can't even open up your fucking mouth to you doing comedy eight or nine years. You don't even say a fucking word. I was doing the, I did Tommy Chong comedy at 420 for showtime. And it was like the worst experience ever. Just because we showed up, it was 118 degrees in San Bernardino where we shot it.

Oh my God. Our hotel room, the fucking air condition was broken. So it was like 85 degrees on our hotel room. And I brought this girl with me who'd been doing comedy for a little bit. Right before I went on stage, Tommy by the. the way had pneumonia. Like, we're at pre-production. He's on a cot shivering. Oh, my God.

Like, not making words. And we're, like, we're all looking at it shows, like, we're not going to do this, right? And they're like, no, we, you know, we, you know, there's like a hundred grand in this production. We have to do it. So, and also this audience, it's like the third thing they've saw, like Jay Moore did a special, Ian Bagnett

a special. And then we were the third thing. This is a Montoya special. Yeah. Yeah, this is Scott Montoya special. So, uh, first comic goes out does fine, second comic goes out, his mic cuts out for eight minutes, Shelby goes out, and I don't know if you've ever

seen Shelby Chong do comedy, but it's rough. And it's like... Is that a daughter or a wife? That's his wife. It's, it's tough. So then Tommy goes out, and he's about 18 minutes into a set, and walks off

stage mid-sentence. Doesn't say work. He has to go throw up. The director comes out, He could have said a lot of things. Like, oh, Tommy's fucked up, man. Tommy had too many cookies. He's got to just chill out for a second. No, he didn't say that.

What he said was, Tommy Chong is deathly ill, and he's going to the hospital. So the audience starts standing up, getting ready to leave. Guess who's next, by the way? Me. And so they have to, like, corral the audience back. I go out on stage. The first eight minutes of my set. is unusable, they're just staring at me.

And you know how tapings, the audiences are lit? So you're just, you're looking at these people look at you. And so you're just, finally I got them. I did 20 minutes, like the last seven minutes was TV passable. Get off stage. I get back to my dressing room. And this girl's like, so I have some notes. I go, are you fucking kidding me?

she said I thought you might want notes from a peer and I looked at her I said there better be a fucking eye in that word you better be talking about a place where we park boats because you have been doing shit for fucking five years we're not peers you're just a girl that's done comedy for a little bit

and also I know I just ate a bag of dicks I don't need to fucking go over it with a fine tooth comb it's no no no I know exactly you know you've been doing it for so long yeah you know exactly I know just what happened I know you know it's when I did this Netflix thing I knew when I got on stage where I went wrong yeah how I prepared for it the wrong way like you just but this is part of the fucking journey yeah and you look in the mirror you man up you take that notebook out you get the feather you get some chicken blood and you start writing yeah and then you get on fucking stage and that's it.

And there comes a point where you fall in love with it. Like this morning I called in for spots at the store at 901. There was nobody there. You can call it 10.30 when they're supposed to be there. But that means that you're back. Yeah.

I went back to my open mic days. Remember when they said if you want to be on an open mic get a call Tuesdays at 3? You made sure you called at 250 fucking 9. I remember going to open mic in Kansas City the show started at 8.30, we'd be there at 5. Hanging out, we'd grab dinner, and we'd just sit there and write for fucking two.

What'd you start at? Started at Stanford and Sons in Westport. So, they like... What year was this? 98. So... The open mic was on Sundays. Now, open mic, you can't...

Our open mic was Mondays. So I'd go to work, go to college, come in, and then I'd come straight to the open mic, and we'd be there. You know, especially initially. Initially, when Emory Amory ran that open mic, there'd be like a, we'd be there an hour and a half beforehand. Like, people would go up, rehearse their sets, and they'd get notes, and, like, people would try to tag it. It was a very communal atmosphere. And, but at the very least, you got to go up there and run shit before you actually did the show. All right.

So, Stanford & Sons had how many clubs at that time? Just the one. Okay. So when I got into comedy in 91, in 92, I dated a girl who was from Lawrence, Kansas. Go Hawks. And I drove home without a watch. You drove home without a what? I drove home with her to Lawrence.

Oh, okay. She was from Lawrence, but then she went to Jayhawk, and we went to watch them play. And then we drove on a Sunday night for me to do an open mic at Stanford and Sons. And the guy had the guy that ran the room then Wasn't Emery Emory Emory It was somebody else if you say his neck But this is 1992 Yeah

You were a kid I absolutely was And I went up there I thought I was hot shit They gave me six minutes It was just brutal And I remember my bomb in front of her Her mother

Like her fucking step-in- Oh they brought the family out to watch you You have no choice People to invite themselves Yeah Oh they're like oh you're doing come They invite themselves. You know, the mother didn't like me.

The stepfather had a wig. Everybody had a fucking wig in her family. A stepfather and the real father, both had wigs. Yeah. How crazy is that? Well, what's Grandpa's pulling it off? You're like, I got it. And she was a waitress at the comedy club.

She was a waitress at the bar where I did comedy on Tuesdays. So she kind of knew where I was in my comedy career. I was just, you know, it was just a Tuesday night for me. They paid me 50 bucks and $50. fed me and I sold pills there I sold value so I would make people come up there they would pay to come see me they would go oh you have a draw no I make them fucking come up you know it was just such a scam I was doing yeah but that year was such like I would just do tuesdays I wouldn't do the comedy works yeah just do the boulder broker on tuesdays and then

Saturdays I would drive to like fucking an hour to get on this place that was huge and I just go bomb it was like a bowling alley and Denver at 11 o'clock. That was my repertoire. Yeah. And then I started getting guest sets at McHalbys, and I would just bomb. Bomb, bomb, man. What a fucking, it was horrible.

I had nothing else going on. So it was like, who cares? I just keep bombing. I've heard a lot of negative things about starting comedy in L.A., but the one thing I'm very grateful for is how many open mics I have. I have tons of open mics. Like, I've been very spoiled, so I've been going to one mainly. And last night I went with another buddy of ours, Eric, who was just on the podcast.

We tried three that I'd never done before. And it was, you had to wait at the bar for like two hours. It wasn't as easy as just going to the fourth wall, but it was fun. I enjoyed having the one show a week, especially starting because it like gave, you spent all week looking forward to that one. Like, that was your show. That was my, I wouldn't sleep on Monday nights. Oh yeah, or Sunday nights No, I would do my Tuesday night

Oh yeah My Tuesday night I would stay up on Monday night And I'd write My friend was a baker And he would take Tuesdays off So he would stay up all night Monday and bake

And I would taste all the Ice creams and gelatins And all the fucking Parfays he made And I'd stay there with him Dricking coffee on night Writing jokes Yeah

And I would not sleep It was you just looked for Like that was your night too Like all it was like your club you'd go there, all your friends were there by that, especially if you'd been doing open open mic for more than a year. Like, most of your friends were those people. So it was like, it was equivalent to like going to like a recreational softball game. You know, you're just like your team's there. You guys are ready to do it. You're hoping to win. Have a good night.

And, you know, some nights you didn't. Some nights you did. How long did it take Stanford and Sun to it? Now, what other clubs went close to you at that time? It was just Sanford and Sun. It's just Stanford's. And it was just West Point. And then, but the cool thing was like you could go up to Omaha two and a half hours and do an open mic or St. Louis. And so, and that's what was cool about like, you couldn't send anyone links. You'd have to like make a VHS or and that shit was expensive. So we would, like four of us would drive up to Omaha and do an open mic.

And then one of us would try to stay sober enough to drive back. And I honestly don't know how some of us made it home. without DUIs or just long trails into a cornfield, especially driving back from Omaha. We just hammered drunk. There are memories that, like there's memories

in my life of like I had, you know, a baseball game or like Joe Namath football camp. But those first 10 years of comedy they're fucking edged in my mind priceless forever. And there was a lot of hard times, like from shitting on a window

in Seattle and have been an awful like this I would just get up in the middle of the night and go to the hallway and shoot out the window and you know because it was an office with no bathroom yeah to just like I can't even describe it like that that journey is so fucking unique and you have to do it you have to do that journey that whole I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow journey yeah like you have no idea like this is it this is it like we got three weeks worth of gigs we got $16 and this is it I remember being Wisconsin doing these one-nighters for what was her name up there that booked the comedy cafe she booked Marquette University oh I don't remember she gave it to her daughter this was a dude I think this dude's name was Hanson or something Tom Hanson yeah yes okay so I show up to this gig and like 99 times out of a hundred if

you want to advance, you just show up and like, hey, uh, can I just, after you do the show, you're like, hey, can I get some cash on the work I just did? Well, this was like a bar where they like had contracted the workout. I was new to this whole concept. And they're like, no, we don't. I'm like, I have $18 and 200 miles to get. Like, I don't have enough money for food and gas. So if I don't have any cash and dude had to wire be money. like I remember just going back to the hotel room calling the guy that booked their thing for me and being like I need something or like I'm literally stuck in but whatever the fuck Wisconsin I am right now 18 you know because I'm literally I thought I was going to get paid after this and they're like nah all those guys I took to the premiere the longest yard at one time or another borrowed $2 from each of them I told them all that I did two hours. $200 at one time or another. And they all told me the same thing.

This is not a loan. This is a gift. This is an investment in your future. Don't ask again. I would buy a gram of Coke. You know what I'm saying? At least $50 worth of Coke. And I'd use the other money.

And those are the guys that would send me the hundreds. And they would say, I put 200 in there. Don't ask again. Yeah, absolutely. Like, I put 200 in that. Don't even want it back. We don't even want it back, but don't call back here again looking for money. Like, I had people who really, that's what you do.

That's what you do when you get into comedy. You have a support group around your people, you know. And again, if you trust the universe, these people will come to you, and some nights they got $10, and some nights you got $10. And some nights you got ten bucks. Dude, I remember right after, we'd filmed last comic standing, but it hadn't come out yet. So, you know, you get all your TV money when it airs. And I was fucking, I got to this college thing and they were, again, thinking they were going to pay me a lot of money.

And they were like, oh, no, we sent it to your manager. it we send it to your agent you'll get it in like two weeks and i had to borrow a hundred dollars from christian finnigan and be like hey like just straight up like hey man i thought we were getting paid we or not if you give me a hundred bucks i'll make sure you get it back and then i had to like call the agency and be like take a hundred dollars from my check put it on his check because he gave it to me and i and still whenever i see christian finning i buy him a beer for that shit because i you You know, that was just another time where, you know, especially 05. Like, you weren't, cell phones weren't huge at that point.

The Internet definitely wasn't. So you were just fucked. Especially when we started cell phone. I didn't have a cell phone when I started. Definitely didn't have GPS. I remember buying an Atlas every year. I didn't have a cell phone to 2004. I was the last guy on the block.

And Sprint gave me a $2 a month credit because of my bad credit. Yeah, if I was $201, they shut me down. You know how many mornings I got up, my phone was shut off. When I go down there, they'd say, you're $1.34. And I go, you got to be fucking shit in me. So I would just pay $40 every time, you know, and I just built it up.

And then one day they said, you have no credit. It was crazy. But I borrowed money constantly. Like, that's how I became friends with Ari Shafir. I needed a plane ticket, and I looked at him, and I go, dog, I need $200. And I'll get it to you in $2. two days and I gave it 20 because I thought I'd never see it again.

People were pissed at me for giving the TV. You said, you were a Coke free. I did that shit for years. Now I need all the friends I can get, you know? And it's just weird. Like, that's what you do. You just, it just happens. Every month, you just barely make it for a few years.

But that, that's part of the toughness that you need for this shit I'm going through. that toughness you develop that gets you through the 10th, 11th, 12th, 13th year when you come out here and now you're going on auditions. Yeah. And now you're dealing with that.

All that stuff all contributes to that. That's what people never see. They try to skip that. Can't skip it. It's like Penzo. You can either pay me now or you can pay me later,

but you're going to pay me. You're going to pay me this money. I don't give a fuck what you think or what they told you or what you expected. But you have to do this to become this. Because if not, there's going to be so many fucking holes in your game. I was doing comedy. I was a regular at the store.

And I had been doing comedy nine years. And I had a little bit of a hat. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, I might not be in Montreal, and I might not have a deal. But I'm following Paul Mooney every night, bitches. And in my world, that means a lot more than what the fuck you're doing. and I had a little bit of an ego. And it had to be probably February of 99.

When I was starting a headline, I was a horrid headline. Horrid. Hord. They would put me in headlining position. Yeah. Horrible. You're like five minutes of fire. Yeah.

15 minutes of shit. Horrid. Horry. Hard. Hard. Yeah. You know. You're just stringing a bridge, basically.

Horrible. Like, just fucking. It's, uh, and you think. think like you're really fucking good. And I got a spot on Freaky Monday. Did you ever get to do Freaky Monday? I don't know what that is. Freaky Monday was at the improv from about 97 until about 2003 or four.

Before it went the urban night? It was the urban night, but they were very smart in those days. Yeah. From 8 to 840, it was white. So it would be you from 8 to 810, Josh Wolfe from 811, to 821, me, and then they would put a super hot white guy. Pablo, Doug Stanhope, and then they would bring the black axe.

They would, you know, and then they would be, by 9.30, it was all black. That's it. You could see the white leave the room. It was fucking ridiculous because the industry was up there. Like in those days, if you got on stage on Freaky Monday, Fat Tuesday, Latino and I at the last, factory you got an agent you got a gig you got approach people would talk to you there wasn't that much computer people would have to come out and see you yeah it wasn't that there wasn't that much streaming yet so when you would do those rooms people come out and one monday i moved myself up

you know i started freaking monday at the fourth first they had a six-minute spot and if you did okay for the six-minute spot then they give you like an eighth yeah then they give you like a 10th and Every week they missed it up. And it was pretty weird. Like, if you got a triple crown, that used to be the old Monday thing. If you did Latino night, freaking Monday, then you did a spot the comedy store. It was the open mic that was a triple crown. One o'clock in the morning you're walking into the comedy.

It's like, what, bitches? I'm doing a triple crown tonight, motherfuckers. So I never forget following. I went down there, and they said somebody canceled. And they go, we have a spot for you. And I had to follow Stanhope and bring up DePaulo. And I thought I was pretty fucking good. Like I thought at that time, honesty, honestly, guys, at the eight, nine month, nine year mark,

I had a pretty killer 30. Yeah. I could rock six fucking minutes, good, high energy, fucking, oh my God. Stanhope took it to another level. I went up there and ate a bag of dicks. And then Nick DePaula went up there and destroyed the room, which made my confidence feel, you know, and I didn't belong there. That's it.

I was in the spot where I saw myself going, a lot of people wouldn't have said that. A lot of people would go, that's nothing. The sound wasn't right or they're black. They don't like me or whatever. I was like something didn't work out there. That's not supposed to be. I think the next week I was on the road.

But that's it. That's it. This is not going to ever, ever happen again. I'm going to make sure that this never, ever happens again. And I went on a two-year Greyhound, Flight, Amtrak, whatever. I would leave with six weeks and put together 28. Really? Yeah, don't ask me how.

I would leave with El Paso, Miami Improv, Myrtle Beach, the One Club, John X would give me the DC Improv. Okay. John X would give me like one night, the DC improv. I would just go up to the eastern border. Philadelphia, nothing. New Jersey would give me one night at Rascals and East Orange or the other one. There was a room in Syracuse, wise guys. Steve Sharipa, or Bruno Sharper.

He liked me and he would give me two weeks. Toronto had a room that was run by a magician that didn't pay. It was 600 a week American to headline. Two weeks. But Mitch Headberg did it. Yeah. So I said when they offered it to me, I said,

I did it. It was brutal. You stayed over the club. Oh, sure. One week you were in downtown Toronto, and the other week you were in the suburbs. The guy that ran the club was an old school Russian Jew. Boris.

Yeah. And Boris's brother. So Boris would run the downtown club, and that was cool. There was a bar underneath. It was called Toronto Wood. Like Toronto would. comedy yeah yeah yeah it was right downtown it was 600 a week it was like Tuesday through

Saturday and fucking this the following week they would put you in the suburbs in his suburb room and that sucked that his brother was a driver for a hooker service like you can't write this shit yeah right you can't write this shit so as soon as you got there the first new brother would say it first of all you shared a room with the brother oh no oh I hate that So you were in this room with this chubby guy that smelled like salami that could not get laid. And what he did was drive hookers around on Friday and Saturday from midnight to 8 in the morning. So you wake up at 8 in the morning and he'd be sitting on the bed eating like a sub five feet from me. It was brutal.

Guys, this is brutal. Dude, I remember Stanford's back in the day was a fucking heathen, just a den of heathenry. You'd balk in. I could get Xanax. I could literally just give my coat to the bartender with 60 bucks in one pocket. And when I left that night, there'd be an eighth of weed in there, and the 60 bucks would be gone. And then you could just get, and there were strippers over here that were definitely hooking on the side. And it was just, you just show up and like the world was an oyster, but just nothing was good.

When you go home now, what club do you play? I do the end. Well, Stanford's is closed, but they banned me. Oh, so Stanford's is officially closed? They're done. Yeah. The wig is done. The wig is done.

Well, and he's the only one left. Jeff died. Jack died a few years ago. Craig's, I guess, sick. Stan, the dad might outlive all three sons. So Craig is the one with the wig. Craig's the one with the wig. Okay.

So I never, I did the open mic. I bombed. I never even dreamed to call them again. I went home and I looked at my guide of comedy clubs and I just slipped an X through that one. Like, I'm not ever calling them again. So I got a call one day from Roger Paul. Yeah. And he goes, hey, they want to hire you at Stanford.

And I go, are you fucking kidding me? No, you're going to Kansas City. I go, okay, I'll go. I'll go. Shit money. Yeah, of course. But the first time I went, I'm lying to you. It wasn't through Roger Paul.

It was true. Bill Burr's management. At the time, agency, this is when I got the longest yard. Okay. They hired me. Okay. And I was horrible. When I got the radio, the guy said, put your jokes on a piece of paper.

I'm like, what are you talking about? Remember Stanford's had a radio station? Oh, yeah, yeah. The guy was a blondehead guy or something. Oh, Johnny Dare. He's still there. Johnny Dare. It's still one of the worst to do.

Oh, my God. Then they bought like a, they bought it. They went into like. business together. And then that that dissolve. The rock and roll. It was called Johnny Dares. Oh my God. Look at that. I still remember that shit. And then like that

that kind of you know, Craig's not somebody you want to go in a business with and Johnny Dare found that out the hard. So all right so the first time I go in, Craig picks me up. I don't know who the manager is. I eat shit at the radio. We were arguing the whole way to the fucking thing. Yeah. It was five of the roughest days

of my life. I didn't on what I was doing and I've kind of behaved myself. Well, just so people, I just want to throw it out there so people know when you do that radio show, he just says how you do it. And that's basically your cue to do like five minutes of material. They want you to do your material. They went and it's just like, but without laughter. So what do you think about flying? Yeah. And it's just like, man, can we just, can we just read your news stories and like, I'll make funny comments and like I'll be funny and not have to burn 25 minutes material but they don't want that they just because you can't do that material that night then right

no it's stupid but yeah i do remember what happened now so the first time i went i didn't have any credits and he treated me like shit but the second time i went i had a bunch of credits so it was like he he gave me extra money and blah blah blah but i booked lawn order as for you so i couldn't do tuesday night or something or i couldn't do wednesday so i flew in that night so i landed in kansas city or whatever the fuck you land on kansas side i don't know you're like you know way up north on missouri side missouri side i land there and i get to luggage it's 10 o'clock at night there's nobody at the fucking luggage and all the other than i see a cop lights and i got nothing to do with me you know i got a little weed in my pocket but

ain't no big thing and next thing you know a guy comes out he goes you joey d and he goes i'm your driver i'm the manager from stanford's now he's fucked up yeah his jaw is fucking go. He's just coked up. He's coked up and he's like these cops don't know me. Do you have your license with you? And I'm like, yeah, he goes, tell him that you're driving. Was this Ron? He went to open up a club in Toledo, Ohio.

Ron. Oh my God. He has a chick in the car and they're fucked up as shit. I get in the car. I got a make believe I'm driving. That dudes did so much cocaine. He got fat. Like, he got skinny. He got Coke skinny. And then he did so much cocaine he went the other side and it blows.

Now where is he now? I don't know. I heard not good things. Not good things. No, he was a mess. That night he was jawing, the chick's join. So I'm in the car, I'm like, how are you guys doing? Now I'm a Coke cream.

Yeah. I'm getting off a plan. I haven't done cooking two nights. I'm like, how are you guys doing? Yeah. Great, man. You look like just the people I've been looking for. And I'm like, you got any more of that shit?

And they're like, what are you talking about? Yeah. And I'm like, any more of that shit. And they're like, we don't know what you're talking about. And I stop the car. I go, I will get that fucking copy. fucking cop right there right fucking now. Yeah.

Where can we get a grandma fucking Coke tonight after you put me? Oh, we're just messing with you. We got it honest. We'll wait out for you. And he gave me a grandma Coke. He told me not to tell the staff. Then the next night he told me not to give one of the waitresses coke that she goes crazy. Well, that's the first waitress I gave coke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was a beautiful young girl. She just went and she followed me around all night because she had a kid. She was hot and she couldn't afford the Coke. And then she came back to the hotel room with me. We did a thousand dirty things. It was horrible. It was fucking horrible.

in the best way oh yeah like he told me don't give a coke i don't forget she was dry humping the chair one night it was just crazy it was just a week of what he said pills it was just mockery there was maybe two or three uh clubs in the circuit that were drug infested that was one of them that went three times and all three times i got fucked up every fucking just nonsense i remember there was a dude that had a limo service and he ran the limos for for stanford's but But he had other businesses. But he was like, man, if you just give my driver $40, I'll come get you at the airport. So I flew in from New York.

I just happened to get stopped by the DEA. This is before 9-11. But these guys come up to me. I guess also my parents had upgraded me as a birthday present. So I'm a fucking 20-year-old kid that's showing up in first class. Maybe I was 21 because I was hammered. And I, so the three DE agents stop me, full out their badge. So like, yeah, we want to go through your luggage.

And I'm just drunk enough. Also I have a pipe. I have a weed pipe and I'm probably half a bar as annex and not a dust of weed probably. And, uh, but I'm still freaking out. I'm a kid from Kansas. I'm at an airport. And I'm, I'm like, no man. Like you can't just stop me.

again this is pretty nine i was like you can't just stop me it's like i'm i'm just walking down the street you can't just stop me and he was like well we can search your bag because you're in an airport and finally i just gave them the bag and to search they had a dog come in and search it and he didn't hit it they let me go i take the limo i go you know you're 21 i have a limo i go home and i go straight to the club. The limo driver had already called the club and been like, Porter got stopped by the DEA. Everybody assumes

I got weed on me. So they think I'm going to jail. I walked in. People thought they saw a ghost. They're like, what the fuck are you doing here? I was like, I just got away. They didn't bust me. And they're like, oh, well, welcome, let me buy your beers.

Is that all there is to do? Because, I mean, so when you guys first started touring, you guys both seem to like to party a little bit. was there a time when you wouldn't do anything because you're like, I don't want to make the wrong impression or just like fuck it. You're a feature. You go.

I think, no, I can remember one time me and my buddy, Brett Klausen, God rest his soul. We would go to the Cleveland Improv. We would have our two drinks and come back to the condo where it was stocked with liquor and beer

and we would just get shit-faced. But I, The old Cleveland Improv. The old Cleveland Improv. By the flats. Yeah, on the other side. And the condo was across the street from a bar. Yeah, the anchor bar.

Let me tell you so. The last time I was there was not a good week either. The last time I was there was the first season of the Sopranos. And I went there on a Wednesday night and I did Coke every fucking night. So Sunday morning until I left. I even got on the plane and whacked. Like the last two nights I didn't sleep at all. They had the strip club across the street.

street, filthy strip club where they gave you lunch. I never went to that. I'm not a strip club. No, me neither. But when you got to the, in those days, this is 98. Yeah. The first time I went to the Cleveland Imprope was 98. Sarah Nye.

See, I remember Sarah. That was banging. Yeah. She used to book it and she had an assistant. And she was powerful. She was very powerful. On the improv chain, she booked Buffalo, Miami, Cleveland, and she was kind of a witch of a woman.

You definitely didn't want to make her mind. No. You didn't want to make her mind. I got mad and she got mad for any fucking reason. I remember one time I booked the commercial. I had a cancel Buffalo and she goes, what else do you have with me? I go Cleveland, Miami, she goes, take it off the books.

Yeah. Next time don't book a commercial. I almost fucking cried. Fuck. Yeah, she was a fucking real bitch. And then she had to book me in Miami and then she quit. Yeah. She quit.

Some people just can't handle. I mean, that's a stressful game. That's a stressful gate. Yeah. You know, she used to, how they got into comedy was. was her Alex Ramundo and Ron White they all knew each other

when Ron White was on the podcast we spoke about her she used to date Alex Ramundo oh really that's how she got to the cleaning improv she was like a waitress in Texas and then something just fucking crazy like some crazy story and she became one of the most powerful chicks at the imprim

and she quit in the middle Dave Becky was a fucking bouncer at the imp imp imp imp imp impi yeah yeah Could you imagine being some headliner There was a dick today, Becky and now you're just fucking in Hollywood hell You're never getting out

Because you said some bullshit to some bouncer It's 30 years ago There were so many people who abused Like, you know, I laugh at the Harvey Weinstein's There was so many fucking people Who abused their power As comedy bookers when you were young Yeah, they're such dicks to you

But then again, I was blessed with some great guys that I'll never, ever. Like I was talking about Andy Payton. There was this other guy. I can't remember what his name was. What's the political comic? Old guy.

Old, old. Bill Bauer. Fuck, bro. That's a deep pull. Well, he had, his name was Bill Bauer also, but he was a motorcycle mechanic. He worked on a motorcycle place. In Greeley, Colorado, and he booked

20 rooms. You know how many times I call that guy for rent in advance? And we go, like Bill, like, I can't pay August rent. Yeah. It's the fucking sixth. You can give me $400 and book me, and he would go drive up, I'll give it to you.

And I got dates for you. And he would give me the dates to work it off. Dude, I have the exact opposite, because I came up in the Craig Glazer camp. I remember that dude pulling dates. I'd have a date booked for months, and then the week before.

That'd be the last week of the month. It'd be the 26th through the 28th. And he'd pull that shit. I remember one time he pulled that shit because the headliner didn't want to follow me. He was a local headliner. A guy that got a TV show for six weeks, moved out here,

spent all his money, moved back, never did shit ever again. What's his name? His name's... No, no, no. His name's Steve. And Steve fucking didn't want to

follow me. So he went and complained to Craig. Craig called me and he literally said I don't want to hear Steve bitch all weekends so I'm going to cancel you. I was like, bro, last week of the month. This is literally my rent check that you're

taken away from me. And he's like taking it up with Steve. So I had to call Steve. And luckily I've been on the road enough to where I knew enough bookers to where I had some leverage. And I was like, yo dude, I've never really asked any booker to do anything for me.

So I have some... I'm just saying if you pull this week from me, I will call every booker I know and just tell them you're a garbage person. And no matter how funny you might be, you're probably not the kind of person you want to get booked. And that is the only reason I got to pay rent that month was because that motherfucker was like,

okay, you can work for me just because I had to threaten basically his work. But that was all Craig. Craig just didn't want to deal with it. Do you remember a couple years ago Madonna? About 10 years ago, Madonna had a fucking auction for charity of all the people who turned her down. Uh-uh. Rejection letters?

Rejection letters. And she read them out loud. And people were running to the fucking hills. Like, she just embarrassed like 30 fucking people. Or he used to that. Yeah. That had the opportunity to sign Madonna so weird how you just did something that I wouldn't do either I just asked you I just didn't know if you liked the guy not but I know 10 motherfuckers today that would complain at a club when they

know they had to follow me dog I know I know I know like four people and I forgive them over the years because I get it but oh my god there was one guy that even the club all the one night sat him down and said look here's the deal it's Thursday you don't want to improvise you don't want them to talk to the audience, you don't want them to work dirty, you got mad at him for work saying that joke, what can't he do? Why did you take the fucking job? Oh, it was great. Yeah. This club

owner, like, went off on the headline who later on last comic standing, got a little revitalization in his career, but he's a fucking bum as far as I concerned, because he just couldn't follow me. At two different clubs, at the first week, he didn't bitch. But the second

week, he had a little leverage at, so he bits and it didn't it did to no avail the audience was digging me and I knew I know I know I know a guy that pulled a fucking gig from me one time that's still working and when I see him now though he looks the other way and I would never hold it against it I get it but it's not something I would do no if I can't follow the feature I just say it yeah I just say it listen I can't follow a feature but why let your ego I've seen it and it's fucking horrible when they go crazy like I don't want to and I get it I get it.

I get it in some situations. Like if you're showcasing for HBO at the store, I don't want the guy in front of me to go up there and be fucking Johnny creative with sparklers and shit. Yeah. Because you always hear how, where they went to see, they went to see Chris Tucker for American History accent

and then they're giving it to Joe Torrey instead. Guy Tori. Guy Tori. And then they went to see somebody else for the Bruce Willis movie and they fell in love with Chris Tucker. Yeah. That fifth dimension. So you hear about all these stories.

They go on their store and look at Lee for a Bruce Willis movie. All of a sudden they hired Chris Tucker. You're like, what the fuck? They were looking for a Jew and they hire a black guy. Yeah. How did that happen? And now you start yelling like your manager. Why would you put a black guy up in front of me?

That's fucking funny. You know what I'm saying? Why would you do something like that? Oh, yeah. There's a shot of my life. Before I got any kind of TV credits and you were there where you're like, you should be headlining but you don't have the credit and you're not going to fill seats so you do like you'll do like the headline Wednesday and then you'll open for like John Witherspoon Thursday Friday Saturday because no matter how well you did all he had to do is go up there and do his five lines from Friday which I've never seen anyone handle that shit better than John Witherspoon he goes up on stage does every line from every movie you want to fuck. fucking here. No context. He just rattles them off. Like, here the fuck they are. And then he just goes

right into 55 minutes of really good comedy that has nothing to do with that shit. And so, but like once he does that shit, it doesn't matter what the fuck you're doing. So like when I was in that level, like, that's what I'm saying. It's just like you have to get to that level, you know? That level is a shitty level. Dude. It's a shitty level. So now you're funny. Yeah. So now you've done everything you've done everything you're funny you're fucking great you know how to write you've been doing comedy for 11 years you're ripping rooms a fucking part like yeah fucking ripping assholes apart but but wednesday shows up and there's 35 fucking that's not even that's when you learn that it's a business it's a business and you have and people have to know who

the fuck you are then a guy comes in that puts a wig on and does impersonation and there's a line around the corner yeah and you're like oh yeah what am I doing wrong I had to follow a dude at the improv the other night that could do he could beatbox while singing fucking bass lines and then he can sing like a fucking bird and then he would crush you he would sing every hot song that you've ever known from and he was that guy that was like oh you like this song and he would sing like the newest hottest song and they'd be like here's my song and he would sing like the older song and it was fun i found myself like in the back just like yeah get it it's fun and i'm like who's the dumb motherfucker who's got to follow this dude oh fuck

it's me and it's like how what the fuck am I supposed to do and literally the only way I could follow him was to go on stage and go why the fuck do I have to follow that like I thought we were just using words and this this dude's coming up and doing all this shit this crazy comics who will go up there mixed comedy with music and destroyer room dude when it's done well it's all really effective it's effective as fuck there used to be a black guy in this town called James Stevens the third. He was from Seattle, Washington. Me and Josh Will had the pleasure opening it from.

And he was like a big timer up in Seattle. He's that comic that came out and made it. So when he came back, he rented like a fucking Porsche at the airport. And he took us to strip clubs and everybody knew him. And he was on the Stephanie Miller show at the time. It was on ABC. It was on after politically correct. Like if you step up to one of the most,

morning, but people, he was still selling tickets, like he was a local favorite, but he was a regular at the store. And he would level the store, but the black guys did not like him. The other black guys just

fucking hated him. But here's the thing about that stuff. It's like, when it works, it's amazing. When it doesn't work, it's an hour of the most excruciating shit you've ever done. Like, it's not like, there are a few of those guys

that can put the guitar down and do stand up. I'd say maybe three or four. But for the most of the guitar shit ain't working or the musical shit ain't working. They're done. They're done. But not only that, they got no way to, like, if you and I get up there and say,

we're yelling too much or we're talking too fast or something, we can readjust in the middle of a set because we're being real, we're true to ourselves. I would say. Not the guitar acts aren't, but that's definitely a character. But you and I are able to be like, all right, you guys need to, you guys are tired of me yelling at you, so I'm going to chill the fuck out, and maybe we're just going to talk in this moniker.

And that meanwhile, a guitar act, it's like, what are you supposed to do? It's like, this shit ain't working, maybe do some more Van Morrison or something. Like, what do you do at that point? I have seen shit like that James Stevens I saw him blow up the Melrose Improv one night like just standing ovation

huge and then one night like I became friends with him and he would come to the store and do spots like Paul Mooney and everybody else and one night he went up there and level the fucking room like on Thursday night there was like 80 people in there

and then Griffin had a follow and then Griffin goes to that Let's keep it going. Eddie Griffin, his name was James Stevens the third. But Eddie Griffin and the rest of the black guys, because he was black. They would call him James Stevens the turd. Right to his fucking face, they would say it. And Eddie Griffin was ruthless at that time.

Ruthless. And he went up there and he's like, let's keep it going for James Stevens the third. I don't think that nigga saw the sign on the motherfucking store. It's the comedy store, not the goddamn music store. I'll never forget. that me sitting back and they're going, oh shit. Eddie Griffin's not fucking around. Let's keep it going for James Stevens to turd.

I guess nobody told this motherfucker. This wasn't the fucking music store. This was the motherfucking comedy star. It's so funny to see comics react to it. Because to me, like, it doesn't bother me that much. But I used to... It will. When you have to follow it and you're on the road

and you're fucking dying all week. And you see this guy that is singing Springsteen songs from the 80s. Did you ever see Heath Hitch? Oh yeah, of course. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant.

He would go on stage with four people attached to his back, bro. What? Like puppets. Puppets. Not like actual people. Four black people. And he'd be a preacher.

Bro, it sounded like he was on a fucking chorus. He was brilliant. Try following that. Like, I had to follow him one night in the original room. I followed a magician last night. Oh, yeah. That's a slow death, too. magician is just piss people off.

It just makes me laugh because I like that. You hate it. Ten minutes of magic is the most people can tolerate. After ten minutes, people are like, oh, okay. They start getting fucking creepy. They start moving around. Yeah. And then you got to follow.

What was the Kozak? Oh, you want to hear a story about Kovak? Hit me with Kozak. I got a great Kozak story. So what year? This is probably 010. Okay. What the fuck?

All right. So, uh, did you, you heard that, right? Yeah, the snack truck. The fucking, oh, the Lecooker Roger. That's Ralphie Mae. That's Ralphie Mae. That's Ralphie Mae. Pick up a papaya. But I'm also fucking from like night, I grew up in the 80s where that was just some dude's car.

Right. They just reached under the dash and that was her horn. But, uh, so I'm doing the Trap in Atlantic City. And, uh, me and, uh, this feature, I can't remember his last name. Anyway, Cozac's doing every night. Six p.m. show. Sunday we go see him. It's us, a large Jewish

family. I'm talking full on black pants, white shirt, yarmacas, all of them. There's another couple and then there's us. It's a light crowd. He's doing it's like a family-friendly show. He's doing jokes about ex-wives and boners and shit. And so I leave.

Like, it's a fun show. But it's like, there are definitely times where you're like, bro, there are fucking kids in the room. And so I tweet. just saw Cozac the completely inappropriate family friendly magician I get a fly home

I get a call from the owner of the trap who I hadn't met I talked to for like two seconds on the radio or on the telephone fly home take a nap, wake up to a phone call from him like yo Kozak's mad at you and I call

so you have to call it so I call Kozak and I'm like what's up and he was like yo I heard about your tweet uh I think you're going to damage my attendance I got 2,000 followers at the time right I go let's break down the numbers here at Cossack I got 2,000 followers at best 10% of them are in the northeast New Jersey I go high end I got 100 followers in the new jersey area of those people how many are in Atlantic City maybe 12 so maybe four people. people didn't come to you. And if they're my followers, they're probably going to come to your show because I tweeted that shit.

And he was like, you don't know the power that you have. I was like, I have no power, bro. I got 2,000 followers. And I just had it. It was just arguing with like a prison. Was he drinking at the time? I don't fucking know. No, because he was big.

Like I worked on New Year's at 2000. Yeah. 2K when the world was going to end in El Paso. He was the headlining. And I had just heard. all these stories about him. He came down and it was just fucking nuts. Like he had a part of his contract was he

has his own bottle of booze every night. No. Like a certain... Your own bottle. Like his certain booze that was his. It came like a sack. Oh, Crime Royal? Something like that. He would just drink Crown Royal. He came in a sack. So it was Tuesday through Sunday

and New Year's being Saturday night and Sunday or Friday night, something like that. So you had to do a show New Year's Day? He did a comedy show for kids. Oh, okay. But this is when he was getting fucked up. He was getting fucking hamming those days.

He was drinking a bottle of that shit every night, doing blow, smoking cigarettes. I'm doing blow, too. You know, I'm not doing it with him. I go back to the condo on New Year's Eve, and no past that year was just fucking crazy. I met a waitress. Next thing you know, we're having sex in the back. And next thing you know, she's out getting drunk.

And another comic is going by my back swap and spit with her. And I just came in the mouth. They're about an ATM machine. I mean, this is just crazy. It was just fucking crazy. And I left with another girl. It was fucking crazy, New Year's Eve. And I wake up New Year's morning.

And the show starts at like one, the second afternoon show, 2 o'clock. It's 9 in the morning. Kozak already has his fucking magician shirt on ironed boxer shorts. The old man socks rolled up to his knees. The shoes and suspenders on. and he's just sitting there with half a gallon of that gallow wine that shit like that shit drinking it that's like five bucks for a handle he's drinking that shit it's nine in the morning he's watching college football

and again i'm like dog it's a bit early for this he's got a couple lines on the table so when he goes i'm going to do the kid show you know me dog i know what entertainment is i follow. But you weren't on the show? No, no. It's a kid show. It's him as a magician. And I walk in and I can see Bart look at him and it's like, Jesus Christ, you wreak of alcohol, you know, like he's doing

a kid show. And he's wreaking alcohol. The kids are walking and he's at the bar drinking shots and shit. Finally he goes on stage and he's fucked up and finally some kid looks at him and he goes, ew, you smell, right? I mean, just, I mean, you know, and I'm in the back

howling because I know this shit. And at that time the emcee was a little mexican dude and the reason why bart hired him was he cleaned the movie theater and he cleaned the comedy club so bart so bart made him you know the guy wanted to be a comic and we would torment them that the word on the street was whenever you gave your intro it was like six pages like write it out and he would go on stage and like uh this next comic went to catholic school he's from Kansas City, Missouri. Hosterical. Yeah.

So we fucking, he was the janitor at night. So after the comedy club would close, like, all night long, he would say, hey, pick that straw up, you know, because he'd have to fucking, like, from the stage, you would yell at people. Hey, pick that straw. Yeah, yeah. Because he had to have one more straw, he didn't have to pick him. He would have to come back that night and do it. So one night, he begged this.

He goes, just my years of experience, Bart, you're not going to throw graffiti around tonight. I eat confetti graffiti. Yeah. Oh. And he goes, because you have to pick it up one piece of the time. That's all I needed to hear, you know what I'm saying? I went out and bought confetti just down perfect. I was going to make a joke that you did that.

No, you didn't. Yes, I did, though. And when they said Happy New Year, I start throwing confetti everywhere. The next day, he went there at two in the morning, and the next day at five in the afternoon. Him and his wife was still on the hand and knees, picking him confetti. I would just quit. Oh, my God.

So, yeah, he comes offstage. And he goes right to the bar. And people weren't taking pictures with you then. They just wanted to talk to you. Yeah. And he went right to the bar and started drinking. And then people would come over and kids would do a magic trick. And he was smoking a cigarette.

And he'd have like a fucking shot glass in his hand. And Bart had to say something like they're talking to kids. But the fucking cigarette away. I mean, there's more to the story. Yeah. But I know I forgot it. It was fucking hilarious. He did something with the pigeon,

disappeared. Oh, yeah. The pigeon wouldn't fly out of the hat. It was like fucking something just crazy. Let me get some shoutouts. That's crazy. Robert Sireano. Happy birthday.

Ben McClure. Brady McConaughey. Ryan. Roster Jeff, Quadrex. Meg, my girl. The Omaha fucking charts. Barry O'Sullivan and the true N.J. I, whatever the fuck.

Don't forget this Thursday. I'll be at the Kansas City Improv. and then at the end of the month I'll be at Nashville and Alabama and we'll get to that shit later but this Thursday, Friday, Saturday it's hysterical. Friday night I got like 100 tickets sold because Rogan's in

down and now that Rogan's really going to saw it because they're going to boycott his show the Christian Baptist whatever is going to... Westboro Baptist Church. Yeah, Westbro No way. Yeah, they're doing down there so now I'm really doomed. Nobody's coming to my show. I want to say some shit about the Westboro Valley Church. They

come down and ban me and call me a heathen see they got a lot of people maybe they could send a couple people down to your show what the fuck is a couple of rooks yeah just a couple of new guys send him down to the joey dyes show so you're shooting a special yeah shooting independently for a great company i spank in fact he called me today fucked nuts Brian yeah call me today i gotta shake him down he doesn't know i know this fucking FBI dude that's an FBI order that took down the bananas okay for 5,000 or go into your business and find out

you're robbing from me. And if he catches you, a report, you tell, yeah, B.I, that's a civic duty. So you're fucked double-ta. I just don't want to put him up Brian's ass because I'll be a fucking, don't help me. You'll be a marked man. Although, hate me in the comedy world. If I get that guy with Brian's ass. But it's

a civic duty. It's a civic duty. What number special is this for you? Well, I guess technically three, because I did a self-produced one right after the last comic, and then stand-up records picked that up. So that's out there. That's called Screaming from the Cosmos. Okay. Then I did Ugly and Angry for the same company.

And then this will be three. And then I put another album out in between Ugly and Angry and this one. Do you like doing the albums of the specials? I'd rather do the specials. They're more effective. You know, all that shit's just advertisement for the gigs, you know. But yeah, the specials are, obviously they add a whole other element. You can make. make faces and your jokes can be silent if necessary. If you're just doing a record, you have to,

sometimes you've got to rewrite some shit because you're doing a visual joke that's not going to transfer over Spotify. I like records. I grew up listening, so I like the gift of listening. Yeah. And now it's just so many fucking specials that you don't have time to... Well, I always put my special out on record,

like actual vinyl. Really? Yeah, I got, like ugly and angry is on vinyl, uh, and, and, and Loston alone are both out on vinyl.

There's something burning over there? Something's like, oh, you're burning. I'm burning. I smell something like, I smell fucking fire from somewhere. So you shoot this August 17th?

August 17th, a week from this Friday. A week from this Friday, yeah. Dead of the fucking Colorado. Yeah. Yeah, yeah,

it's going to be fun. You know, Denver's been a good hang for me for a lot of years. I've, I've done a lot of good shows there. And then, I've spent a lot of time with my friend's bands there, just hanging out. And so, yeah, it's definitely going to be a very compassionate scene.

What year were you on last comic stand? 2006. Jesus Christ. Yeah, man. It just keeps getting further and further away. But I'm fine with it. Like, I'd be fine if that's the last thing people remembered me for. What season did you do?

Two? Four. Yeah, the first year it came back. Because three got canceled like two weeks before Alonzo one. And then who were you on last comic later? Josh Blue, Gabriel Iglesias, Ty Barnett finished second. Ty Barnett.

Is he still around? He's around. He disappeared for a little bit, but he's back. I've seen him quite a bit. So, but I think, I think he had some family issues to attend to. Tie Bonnet, Gabriel. Yeah. That's quite a lineup.

It's crazy when you look at like the old San Francisco lineups. Yeah. Like from 90 and go, wow. Yeah, just Pat and Oswald and Dana Gould and just all these fucking heavy hitters. I remember there was a guy that took third in San Francisco one year. Carlton's Richardson from Dallas, Texas or something. Yeah. And I remember I saw him in Dallas once

and he was lonely And I went up to him I'm like bro you took third In San Francisco Why he's so quiet He's like oh my life didn't really Nothing really happened And it's so weird how

Your expectations are for different things As a comic And something doesn't happen But you know what Chris The only expectation we have Is to be funny And sometimes we forget that Well I mean there's other things

I mean, those people thought just just being funny would make it. But they, you also have to move to somewhere where people give a shit. And I think that's where that moves hard to make for some people. Like, as easy it was for me or other people. And it wasn't easy for me. Like,

I cried the first three hours of my drive out to Los Angeles. But like that, and I remember coming home and people would be like, how did you move to L.A.? And it's like, you put your shit in your car, you drive, shit out, you sign a new lease.

Like, it's not hard, but for some people it's hard because you're leaving everything you've ever known for a whole new scene. And some people, they keep putting it off because they think, oh, I'll do it next year. I'll do it next year because they're waiting for

the perfect moment to leave. But there's never a perfect moment. There's just the moment. And so one moment, you have to take it and you have to put all your shit in your car and you have to get in your car and you have to go do you some of driving into this fucking hell hell what you felt like oh yeah I was so excited I remember I did it's it's not just because I was excited scared curious yeah I was 18 different emotions when I first saw that

Hollywood sign like the 101 south we came from Seattle like I was scared like everything came to fruition. Like, I was scared. I was excited. I was curious. I wanted to see if things were pan out. I wanted just to, I was so, like, there was a rainbow of emotions, you know. I don't know how it is for other people when you were excited. You had already done last comic? No, I got it eight months later. Moved out here. I got it eight. But I'll tell you what, I drove into, it took me two days to get into town. I got into town. I stayed with Emerald. I stayed with Emerald. Emory, Emory, the first two months I lived here.

Emory, Emory edited the aristocrats DVD and I think the movie for Paul and Penn. So when I showed up, literally moment one, I walked into Emory's apartment. Paul Prevenza is in there. They're editing this movie for DVD. And I just, I remember sitting down and being like, I'm here now. And I'm already in it. Like, I'm already in the middle of an editing process.

So I was like, I knew I'd made. Also, I remember I'd gone to Minnesota with my uncle the weekend before to his cabin. And we were hanging out, and I'm not kidding you. Plains had crossed and left con trails. And it said L.A. in the sky. So I knew I was set. I just knew I'd literally seen it in the sky. So I was fine.

If you could do something differently, what would you have done differently? I would have used the money I made in last comic standing a little more wisely. I had a lot of fun with it. I was told by a friend, he was like, you know what it's like to live poor, have fun, living rich. So I spent my money. I would come into town. I remember going to Kansas City and renting a suite at the nicest hotel in town. and hanging out and doing mushrooms with my friends.

And the security guards coming in and laughing because it reeked like weed, but they didn't care because, again, I was in a suite in the nicest hotel in town. So they were just like, yeah, you're fine. First off, the money didn't come with a handles on it. Number two, you earned it. Yeah. Number three, you were young. You didn't know.

You know. But I also didn't make enough money to buy a house either. No, no, no, no. There was no big deal. like you know that the main thing of this whole thing is loving what you do yeah like it's so fucking weird that we're lucky we're very lucky no matter how the stories the horror shit of being on the Greyhound bus or getting bumped the week of rent these are all what get your skin thick yeah for today where you go through today

we think today that don't know Joey just walks and no it's a complete different aggravation. We're talking about how about, we're talking about people like Theo Vaughan and Dean Delray and Kate Quigley that are in that hell. They can headline, they can sell 60 tickets, but they can still feature and they can, you know what I'm saying? Absolutely. Like that's a weird place to be. After you're already

paid your dues, you're always in a weird place. You're never at that place where you want to be. That's what makes this journey fucking just undeniable. Like, would you do it again? Yeah, I do all of it.

Everything. I do everything. Starve. Yeah, have money. All of it. Flat tires. And the starving times were the best times. That's what people do not, they do not see them.

A person goes, I cannot, I don't understand how that is fun. Dude, I remember the days where I knew I had to make $25 because that was enough time to feed myself twice, buy myself a pack of cigarettes, and enough to like buy, if I saved enough of it for over three days, I'd buy me another eighth of wheat. and that's how I survived until I made the next rent check you know I just and that those were the best times my life just like literally just hanging out with my friends because there was nothing else we could fucking do and writing jokes and and dreaming about these times bro when I bought a pack of joints today do you how many times we dreamed about that in Kansas City as we were rolling

one and smoking a fucking cigarette going man I can't someday you're going to be able to buy a pack of joints You can't do it at Kansas City I can do it Like just Just shit like that It just fucking amazes me Where I've come from

But you know I was again I was with my buddy Justin Leon Who I've known literally since I've started And we just sat back And the greatest memories that we talked about Were the memories from those initial years Those three Those years from one to four

where you're you're just doing it for the love of it like you got day jobs or you're just struggling or you're at that place where you're doing maybe a week a month or two weeks a month like enough for where you can't hold a regular job

but you can barely make rent yeah yeah yeah that's a tough spot to be it that's a tough spot to be at but it's also it's the best spot because you come home and you're like well fuck it I'm probably not going to make rent anyway so let's go to the boats and you go to the casino

and you just hope and he ain't up losing 50 bucks but it doesn't fucking matter because at the end of the you know it all fucking worked out somehow it really does it really does when you put your trust and you're hard into something you and often you go fuck it

I'm gonna blow this last 50 something's gonna happen yeah and something always you owe somebody 300 you only got 75 in the bank you might as well have fun with the 75 at least you had a good time with it do you think that's I mean do you think

you got taken advantage of at the beginning or maybe not that at the beginning, but because of your love for it, you do stuff that you're not supposed to do. No, you're just terrible. You're not taking advantage of. This is what you have to do. Yeah. That's what you have to do. Not everybody's going to give you a 50 bucks. Not everybody's going to give you a hundred bucks.

But they're going to give you a stage and a mic and an opportunity because I'm at the point where I'm happy just to do it, but maybe it's at the 10 year mark. Because I don't know, I would get it. They always take advantage. Until you get a movie, you get fucked in the ass. Until you get an opportunity, you get fucked on the air. You ever go, you ever go to a club, and they look again,

they go, like, well, we're only going to pay you $800. That's the most you can pay you. Yeah. And 10 years later you're going, and they're giving you $20,000, and you're like, I think you can only give me $800. Yeah, there was literally the same amount of people. Yeah. Right.

So it's, you're always going to get fun, and that's part of it. That's part. Until they, like, unless you got leverage, you're getting fucked. But you wouldn't do, I don't think you would do the spot if you didn't love it. Like, if it was just. No. You're not looking at it like that. Right. You're not looking at it like that at all. You're looking at an opportunity to get funnier.

Exactly. That's all you're thinking about. You got to cover your ass some way or another. I remember hosting on the road. Hosting. Making $150 for the weekend. For the weekend. And then, you know, that you, if you broke even, you were happy because I live with my folks. And as long as they'd come home, they'd feed me. I didn't, obviously didn't have rent to pay at that time. But yeah. I mean, it was. I remember being in Wichita, Kansas, living in the condo. I got there a day early. The comics from the last week were still there. And I just thought it was the coolest shit in the world.

Like, I thought it was the great. If you put me in a condo now, I'd fucking lose. I'd rage flip a table. But in that moment, I was like, also, if I break even, this is going to be a great weekend. All I got to is break even. If I have 25 bucks to get me gas home,

then everything is great. I'm going to tell you comics something The list, I'm going to tell Lee something That you should get out of your head right now When I got into comedy When I got into comedy The day I said to myself It was like 94

I had been doing comedy three years And I go, this is it Like this is what I'm doing I knew that it was going to be 10 years So I saw money And I knew it was going to be a struggle And that's why I started shaving away a thing I forced myself.

I knew that I had to make a decision in a year. I knew in Boulder that this ain't going to work no longer. Just delivering Chinese food, slinging coke. Just doing comedy part-time, one month, one week here. This is not going to work.

I got to dive into this. So I started watching less TV. I started forcing myself depending how do you live broke? Well, you got to get a tent. Yep. You got to get blankets, a sleeping bag. And I never forget to get doing that first dribble run,

like two weeks back to back, and you get a flat tire. And these are all things that are not included in your budget. Yeah. They're not included in your budget. All the most terrible things happen in your first starting. Yeah. All those things, your car, the lease, the whole, all that. Your car blows up.

When you can absolutely afford it, you're fine. You're fine. That shit never happens. It's the week when you go And then you run over a deer And a deer's leg is And only could happen to you I'll still remember the time

Ralphie went somewhere They gave 500 bucks And on the way up the elevator The keys fell out of his finger And they went in the shaft And he had to stay in the hotel An extra day And the guy could only come on Monday morning

And he was $480 He came back from Sacramento With $20 for the week As the keys fell down The elevator shaft and they couldn't get somebody there until Monday fucking morning. Like, what are the chances of that? Like, that's the comedy game.

And you just got to, if you can't cry, you can't say none, it's just paying your debt to the universe. I remember playing, it was one of my first headlining gigs. I did knuckleheads in Mall of America, which is now a Corona Bar. That's the Corona Bar when you leave. When you leave the other one. Rick Brom. Rick Bronsonsons.

Corona bars old knuckleheads. Oh, my God. Right? Okay. So I do Tuesday through Saturday. Minnesota is six and a half hours from Kansas City. They give me $1,200. I've never seen $1,200 my entire life.

Take the check. I'm literally laughing on my drive home. I'm like, what am I going to do with all this money? I'm going to get a website. Like, this is when websites are just brand new. I'm going to do all this. I'm going to do this. I'm really going to put it into it.

I'm an hour outside of Des Moines going through a construction zone and a deer comes out of nowhere hit it straight off I can remember this decapitated the deer I remember that because I hit the body the head stayed where it was spun around a couple times landed there

I'm like are you fucking kidding me I got a one hitter I got the little dugout the little wood dugout that standard set up I pulled off I lost a headlight everything's pretty much fine. The radiator's fine. The fan's fine.

Call my dad. And I'm still speechless. I'm like, it's a fucking deer. And he's like, what are you talking about? I just made as much money as I've ever made my entire life. And I just hit a fucking deer. And he was like, well, because my dad knows me. He's like, you need to get rid of whatever you got and just get here.

And it literally cost everything that I would have put into a website. it was literally like $500, $600, $600. It was everything over what I normally made. And that, you know, it's just like, that's part of it. It's pain, it's like you said, it's paying your deuce. The universe tests you. Dude, the moment. The universe tests you, as soon as you commit, the universe goes, okay.

Let's see how really committed you are to this. And they test your love for what you're doing. It shows you that you really want to do this. You know, I remember being in a fucking Riviera one weekend, doing a dirty show for Shrippa, opening up a rogan. $200 for two shows. And the employer, this is a regular at the comedy store. It's 98.

I thought I hit the big time. $200 and a fucking, he gave me through the card at me to the employee dining room where the food is already bitten and shit. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, what? tough like he just insulted me like it was just but I I couldn't sleep I didn't have ref it that time Rogan didn't smoke so I didn't bring Reefer with me and I couldn't

fall asleep so I went walking around I seen Slash he was there for a game convention we saw him on the plane he was on the Southwest was and everything from Burbank and I saw him at the fucking thing that night I went up to him and I asked him I go why the guns and roses break up you know and he was very nice and he said he goes are you broke now and I go yeah because he you know I had known him from I met Ahmed had a room and slash I gone in there one night and you know I had to go up and say hello or something and so he knew I was a comic and when I saw him in Vegas I told him and he goes if you're broke now he goes cherish these times because this is what balances you out later

he goes axel wasn't balanced that And he couldn't handle the money he made all at once and he lost it. This is what keeps you these stories when we share them like this. This is the shit that you deal upon when your agent says, you know, I can't represent you no more because you said shit on that thing. You're like, who gives a fuck? Yeah, how do you find? I hate dick in Buffalo.

You know what I'm saying? I caught the clap in fucking Pittsburgh. Like all this bad shit that happened to you that at the time you thought was bad but was really a blessing that made you a comic all this shit makes you a comic i remember i uh had four months or four weeks of work in florida straight ahead it's like two weeks in tampa naples gig and then maybe uncle funnies it was uncle funnies davy florida open uh open for headberg as a matter of fact 17 hours into the trip i've driven straight. I mean, wherever the fuck, George.

I pull off because I'm tired. As soon as I pull off, the car starts shaking. So the car at low revs won't hold up. So I'm literally having to kind of keep it. Like, anytime I have to stop, I got to throw it into neutral just so the engine will keep running. So I get into Naples, I go to a stop sign, and I'm putting up into neutral. It's an automatic transmission. So I'm going to throw it up into neutral.

It goes at a reverse. Fucking shreds the linkage. So now I got to drive it like a manual. Like I got to throw it in a low. Like you'll hear it into gear and then two and then drive and then overdrive. I do the whole run. I get the engine service. They're like, your transmission's fucked.

But it works the way it is. I have to drive from Tampa, Florida to Kansas City on this. on this fucking transmission. And the problem is, when I put the cruise control on, anytime the engine goes to automatically shift down, like if you're climbing up a hill, it would shift into neutral.

So I had to be aware of that and then click it out of drive, click it down myself, and then keep going for 22 hours. My girlfriend at the time was with me. She couldn't do it. I mean, if you don't know any shit about cars, you're not going to be able to hear that shit.

And I did it. I remember I was hallucinating from St. Louis to Kansas City. Just the entire time, if I saw a truck, I would think there were three cars behind it. But meanwhile, I had to mine the transmission. I drove 22 hours straight because I had to open for Larry the cable guy for a week straight the next day. And so I got into Kansas City at 6 a.m. on a Tuesday morning after I've driven 22 hours on no sleep, just weed. just I didn't even drink no dose no fucking no I didn't drink coffee at the time I just kept it was just nothing but pure will and in the girlfriend passed out seven hours out she woke up in St. Louis she's like no I'll be up the whole rest of the time that girl passed out five minutes in outside of St. Louis and did not wake up till we hit the curb into her house I drop her off at 6 a.m. I get back on the highway there's a massive oil spree that. bill on I-70

takes me an hour to do what should have taken 20 minutes. And I get home, I woke up 8 hours, 12 hours later, showed, did a sold-out Larry the Cable Guy show. And like literally every time I made from a month of work went into fixing that transmission. And you're fucking no regrets. No regrets.

Fuck them all up the ass. Dude. Fuck them all. That's what we do. That's why we're here. This is, it's so crazy how I see people that think that they're just going to walk up here and I see it. And, you know, I love these guys that I've been doing this for, and it's like, you have no fucking idea. Come back and see me in 10 years and we'll talk.

You have no fucking idea where you have to go through. Well, it's like these cats that started in L.A. and have been good enough to make it through the ranks. And now they're getting looks and now they're starting to do the road. And they look at us and they're like, how do you do the road? I'm like, that's the job. That's when it becomes a job. Like, you're out there working.

People look at me and they go, you do 40 weeks a year. How do you do that? I'm like, normal people work 50. Everybody, every blue collar work out of words, gets two weeks to vacation in the year. Otherwise, they clock in 9 to 5 every week. Like, this is our job. We're fortunate enough to be able to do it. You do 40 weeks a year?

Yeah, I'm going to probably end up doing 42 this year. God fucking bless you. I mean, what else am I going to do? going to do. It's the only way. And also, I'm at a place where if I'm not doing 40 weeks a year, I'm not making money.

Like, if I'm living out here, you know, I'm on the lowest of low when it comes to the totem pole at this moment as far as pay scale. So if I'm not out there every weekend, I can't go out on dates.

You know. It's fucking rough, man. Yeah. It really is rough. But it's also like, it's not rough. Like, other than the flights? No. It's pretty easy.

No, the stand-up you do for free. It's the fly. It's like when people say that movies, when you do a movie, you don't get paid to act. You can pay to sit around. Absolutely. The acting you do for fucking free.

The stand-up, once you get there, it's phenomenal. Dude, I even like doing radio. Yeah, it's phenomenal. Let's wake up. Let's get shit done. I love the whole process of it. And for a while there,

the business area of it fluctuated here. And I fell in love with again. Like I told you, this morning I got up, and at 9-01, I called in for spots at the store. I was like, damn, you're on to something, Joey. When I'm calling it night. This is what you do, like, I don't know, whatever. But August 17th.

August 17th. Gothen Theater. Denver, listen, you know, I love you guys. You can go to my Instagram. It's at I am Chris Porter and the links in my bio. Same with my Twitter. I pinned a tweet. And then, because the tickets are free.

You can just click on there, sign up. There's two shows. There's one at seven. There's one at 930. You request tickets. they're going to tell you the week of I've had a lot of people email be like they haven't told me it's like they tell you the week of the week but everyone's going to get in

right okay you know I'm not the link where can they find it it's out it's on the link in my bio and my Instagram at I am Chris Porter my Twitter's also at I am Chris Porter and there's a pin tweet right at the top that's got the link in it I wish you nothing but luck you know I'm one of your biggest fans I know you one of those guys that fucking destroys every week and uh it's just a matter of time you know i appreciate i love you i'm happy you know i called you weeks ago yeah you did i come on i miss you you're not gonna you uh this is like you're not gonna let me fail you call me a week you call me and you're like

we're gonna do this and i was like great and then you call me like we're definitely doing this and then you even called me yesterday like it's happening so hey for me to be a good comic i have to be a good comic to the other comics. That's what makes you a good comic. So, I'm starting to learn that we're not in the comedy business. We're in the motherfucking karma business. That's right. So, uh, thank you very much. I wish you nothing but look. I will see

you in two months, 90 day. Always welcome back here. Oh, thank you, brother. To promote it, wherever it gets picked up. And that's it. And I'll see you, motherfuckers. Tomorrow night in Kansas motherfucking city, Missouri, ready to fucking go. I ain't fucking around. Dean Delray's lying in from New York. We don't like that

fucking place on fire. As usual, Don't forget if you're looking for supplements, milkshakes, protein shakes, fucking shroom tech sports, shroom tech immune, alpha brain, which is one of my favorites. You guys know I live on that shit. Go to audit right now. onit.com. Listen, they got kettlebells. I got a bunch of stuff. I can't help you with that.

But as far as the supplements are concerned, go to onit.com and press in church and get 10% off your order delivered right to your fucking door. Also, I love these. I love solojitu.com. I love the cards. I love the product. Take a look. Just go to their website. Solojitu.com.

Take a look if you like the cards, order them. I think they're great. I think they're great if you travel. You know, I play it by myself. I try it. I do a couple hip escapes. I do a couple of fucking bridges.

I do a couple sprawls. I'm an old man, but at least I'm moving. Listen, have a great weekend. I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you for listening to Henry Rollins. Thank you for listening to my man, Chris Porter. Stay safe.

Kansas City. I'll see you motherfuckers tomorrow night and I ready to light that fucking town on fire. Have a great weekend. See you Monday morning.