The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #611 - Steve Rannazzisi

Episode Date: August 21, 2018

Steve Rannazzisi, comedian, actor and host of the "Hear Me This Book" podcast,   joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Hims - Go to ForHims.com/joey for a trial month of everything you need to keep your hair - for just $5.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.  

Welcome to Podcastville. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by Hymns. Listen to me and listen straight to me. 66% of men lose their hair by the age of 35. The thing is, when you start to notice hair loss, it's too late. It's easier to keep the hair you have than to replace the hair you've lost. Now, I want you to go to 4Hems.com because it's a one-stop shop for hair, law, skin care, and sexual wellness for men, if you know what I'm talking about.

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Get 10% off delivered right to your house. All right. Kick this fucking mulee. Take your time. What the fuck? It's Wednesday to 22nd, you bad motherfuckers. Uncle Joey here with my main man, Steve Renazizi. The Christ kill on the dream.

drums. Little Erosmith, little heroin music for you on a Wednesday. God damn, that's a good fucking jam. Steve Renazizi in the house, part two of our little conversation we're having about books and shit. But by the way,

as far a show that's coming out called Authors. Oh, yeah. where they just do a take on authors, which I think is interesting too. There's so many great podcast ideas that I'd love to do. I just don't have the time. Of course.

Like just one with authors. You know, I just get like three fucking houses to either have the authors call in and talk about their writing experiences that's always fucked with me. I've interviewed a couple authors or two authors on my podcast

and just their styles and talking about what they, you know, one grew up in Brooklyn, This guy, Reed Coleman, and just went to a public school, got dropped off. Latchkey kid just started reading. Crime novels was his thing. And then he just started, like, in college, started writing shorter and shorter crime novels.

And then that's what he wants to do. And he's actually the guy that's going to write the prequel to heat. I think it's heat, right? He's doing a prequel or something like that to heat. That's crazy. Crazy. That's crazy that they would do a prequel to heat. When heat was just a rip off of thief.

I didn't see thief Nobody has Nobody has Because it won the Kahn's film festival 1980 It's a movie with James Kahn Belushi's brother William Nelson

And Tuesday Weld Really? Oh, 1980 It's one of the greatest Fucking movies You know If you watch the godfather The regular godfather

That comes on It's a great James Kahn is great But if you watch the one When they put those old pieces back in James Kahn Ain't that really good. Now, you're talking to somebody

who was a James Con fan. Okay. I'm telling you that some of those scenes he did, you'll watch him and go, who is his acting teacher? These scenes are terrible. But what they got him in, the godfather when he's at the table,

telling him that, you know, you join the army and all that shit. You're going to hurt your dad on. All that is brilliant. But Thief, he just hit it out of the park. I got to check this thing out. So that was one of the Michael Mann's first movies. So Michael Mann made Thief

and the prequel, the Silence of the Lambs called Search of the Green Dragon or something like that. Okay. And Hannibal Lecter was completely different. Yeah, I vaguely remember that. Okay.

Yeah. And that movie was Michael Peterson. Michael Peterson went on to do a movie called To Live and Die in L.A. It's Red Dragon. Red Dragon. Red Dragon. So if you look at the Hannibal Lecter in there,

you're like, who the fuck is that? As a matter of fact, this is crazy because last night, Silence of the Lambs was on and Hannibal was on afterward. And I remember thinking to myself, this guy is so good at this row. Like he hit it out in the fucking park. And the second one, when he fucking takes the guy

and puts him out in the building and takes his guts out with the fucking knife and his guts come out into the fucking La Plaza, Del Sol or whatever the fuck it is. He's brilliant. He's fucking brilliant as a killer. Yeah. And it's done wrong. It's just gross.

And I read that book in prison. Really? Like I read that book word for word. And I see that movie. And it's the exact book. There's nothing. They shot that. Whoever executive produced that, they cut a deal.

And whoever the author was, he said, if you move it around or fuck it up, you're done. Wow. This has to be, it's done just like the fucking book. They don't miss nothing. There's nothing at it. You know, when you watch, when you read Donnie Brasco, there's a whole chapter about what he did in Milwaukee with the central mob. the people who live in Milwaukee they're into vending machines

there's a whole you know when you read Goodfellas Goodfellers is really about When you read Henry Hill's book You mean? Yeah yeah yeah

When you read Whatever it's called Wise Guy Yep When you read Wise Guy It talks about Henry Hill got really in That they took out of the book

Of the movie His son, Paulie So he was friends of home since he was a kid. You follow me? The same way I was friends with Anthony Balzano when he was a kid.

Got it. So whatever Anthony got, Joey got. Yeah. Because that's how they were raised. So if Pauli got a job in the beach house in the summer, then he took Henry Hill with him.

That's how Henry Hill got in with the Varios. They don't tell you that in the book. They tell you, in the movie, they tell you a complete different story. But in the movie, I mean, in the book, they talk about them being bus boys in an exclusive bar on Long Island.

I wonder if that's done, if there's versions of the script that are like, that have all that stuff still in it. Well, I have a version of a Goodfellow script, and it's similar to the movie. It's one of the revisions. Okay. Somebody just gave it to me as a gift. In Toronto, there was a store that the guy sold scripts with signatures. Yeah. This one signed.

I don't know who the fuck. I don't know if it's the name. Did you read it? Is it similar to the shooting script or the one they shot or not? No, there's a couple of things that are out of play. It's so weird how. Okay. Because they make adjustments

as they shoot a movie. A lot of people will know that, you know, when I first got analyzed that, they were shooting that in New York. And I'm not kidding, you guys. This is how much... That's why when you guys

read about a movie and they go, oh, well, it made $800 million. And then you go to box office Mojo. And you see how much it costs. And you see how much that film cost to make. And you go, wow. Now, if that film is 180 million guys,

I'm going to tell you something at home. 60 million of that is pure waste. It's a right off, guys. It's an investment for the movie company. That's why they have to turn that movie around so quickly. That's why it's very rare. The movie company, if we put a lot of money into a movie, that movie's coming out, whether it sucks.

It's coming out. You know, they'll run it through different, what do you call those focus groups? Yeah. Get a rating or kind of feel for it. I don't even think they're running them through focus groups anymore. They're so fucking bad. Well, movies cost a lot of money.

They're coming out on big days where they want people to go see movies. When you see a movie that costs a lot of money that they're burying at different times, like, that are not popular, you can tell those are the ones they probably don't have to believe in. How many movies are making money? Look what happened this last weekend. How many movies are really making money anymore? It's the Marvel movies or the fucking comic books, the Black Panther movie killed it this year. Yep. Or it's the guys like Seth Rogen who are doing like 15 to $20 million movies that are making $60 to $70 million or now $100.

So now what you're doing is you have guys that were like Seth Rogen made a couple of movies for $15 million, like the dictator movie or whatever that was. And they probably made about 50. Now he has a budget of like 25 or 30 because those movies are making 100 or 120 now. Like the neighborhood watch and those other movies that he's producing and directing and stuff. So he's got a formula where if you don't ask for too much up front, you know you've got a fan base that's going to build that's going to make you. Now, it's not going. The big exceptions are like get out. You're like Jordan Peel's movie that you make for $4 million and then it makes $250 million and gets nominated for an Oscar.

I mean, that guy should, he should be able to make whatever he wants for the rest of his life. Because think about how much money he made the original investment. Eight million dollars, I think the shooting budget was. Eight million dollars. Well, listen. And it made probably $250 million. We've all fucking been or been part of movies or whatever where I've been an $100 day movie. Yeah.

You got to get something to eat. There's a fucking apple. And cheese chips. Those chips with cheese in the middle, processed chips. the six-pack. Yeah. That's it. I've been on those movies, guys.

I know. $100 a day. I've been on those movies. Then I've been on movies where there's lots of tails on Friday. Oh, yeah. You know. Mall cop, we had segways to drive around whenever we wanted to. Those little fucking, the mall cop segways.

You want to go to the other mall? Take a segue. Here's a jacket. Keep it. Don't worry. There's a Nintendo in your fucking hotel room. You know, and that's what people don't really get that you don't really need 60 million to make a movie. that the studio gives you that

and you could chop it up in ways so that's the thing though but you have to spend it yes see that's a thing but do you have to that's what I'm at the point is I think they're saying is like do you have to spend it do you have to buy everyone jackets and Nintendo's instead you just go look instead of getting that shit

we got a tighter budget we're going to work a little harder for a little shorter but instead of that we don't have as much pressure to make as much money you know what I'm saying the mall cops that that have that extra budget and even for You did the first mall cop. Yeah, the first one.

And the budget wasn't even that much money. It was a fucking home run. It was $30 million, $24 million. And it made a hundred. On Martin Luther King weekend, which is now turned into a great weekend. A great weekend. Yes. Fpped it up with Monkop, huge.

And it's funny because I still remember shooting Spider-Man and walking on Sony lot and walking to my room. Let's say the fucking, like, let's say it was Studio 6. my room was fucking half mile walk you know I was nobody coming out there was a nice room yeah I never forget walking

and seeing Sussman and going what are you doing here and I'm like I'm shooting Spider-Man and it's like get the fuck out of here I go what are you doing here because I'm trying to get Kevin James a film career yeah

he was a TV star and then he got him hitch yep and I never forget that I went out to dinner with Rogan and him one night and I go hey bro I give props and props and to do remember when I bumped into you and the spider man set he goes yeah what were we talking about he goes

Kevin James getting in the movie I go you got him an edge yeah you got him and fucking a movie Will Smith that that would have launched him for fucking and then he did more and then he did mall cop his own thing that was it and that was it and yeah I mean that just he's so likable in that movie he just took off huge numbers huge I mean that was that made a lot of money but then you the other movie I did Eddie Murphy movie it's called Imagine That The shooting budget, $92 million.

It's made $16. 16? 17. You could look it up. I think it's 17. I mean, think about that L for Paramount. Think about that L. That's a big L. But here's where people don't understand that you have all these L's, but all you need is three home runs.

Well, $700 million. Eddie Murphy's got, well, yeah, I know. I mean, he's got a track record of, you know, but you take an L like that and a couple of those. He took a couple of those. Norbit. Black Dracula, Norbit. He took a couple of beatings there for a while.

Yeah. I was, I, we, I, there's a whole crew of us that were all in those movies. We were all thrilled to work with Eddie Murphy. And he was, they never, you know, he was never really there. What was the name of the movie? Imagine that. I think it made. 17 million dollars it's 90 million to

the movie business is fucking the entertainment it was 10 years ago well I mean it's rough jack if you're not Eddie Murphy like if you guys are acting in a movie do you see more money if they sell a lot of tickets what do you mean I'll say that again like if you make more money if they sell a lot of tickets like you or joey yeah and like yes for mall cop I get residual checks movies that are successful especially worldwide is that from TV or like when they play on TV and DVD sales or is that tickets That's DVD sales. Everything.

That's internet now. That's when they played on HBO and shit. Because, like, what I was thinking was, is like, if they took away all those perks for you, you know, you know the studio is making millions and millions. Do you really care if you, if, like, would you really be like, okay, yeah, I'll give up all that food and I'll give up the Nintendo because I want to make it like 500 more bucks? Well, here's the deal. You will if you make, if you know you're making a good movie. But if you're a guy that just gets $25 million a check and it's just like, well, what's the next script coming through? and you just do it like it's a crappy movie

like we did like Eddie Murphy well how many times are they got to you know they're not going to give you $25 million anymore to do those movies oh they might because it's a fucking right off it's easy you know they have a certain amount of money to make a certain amount

of movies but I think they'd rather give 12 kids $2 million to make a movie like that that might just blow up than Eddie Murphy 25 to be in anything they don't think that way I don't know maybe you've been here for 20 years You seen it? Yeah. They don't think that way.

I'm optimistic that he could, like, figure something out. People, listen, we're all in the, I'm always in a, I love to hear stories about a guy that put together a movie for $3 million. He had a fucking co-sign his mother's and grandmother's house. I shot a movie called You Got Nothing. Okay? Mm-hmm. This motherfucker sold the script. Solderscript, movie, somebody attached, the whole thing.

He wanted a place of Western Store. his girlfriend signed with somebody's manager fay dunnaway's manager you know hit pocketed her so what did he do this guy had done seven episodes NYPD blue where he had a line or less guess what he did like they came to him I'm not kidding you guys they came to this is

2003 this is the first movie I ever did that was more than one day This is the first movie I ever did That had more than one scene And this is the first movie I ever did Where they put you on a plane And we shot Sacramento And I didn't have to shoot for two days

And I got a grandma ball in a bar And a VFW I went in there and had a drink And I was in there two minutes And some chick came up I got blowing speed Give me a fucking grandma Coke I was supposed to go to rehearsal

I never showed Because it was one line I told him I had the flu Just if you watch this movie dog You're like Joey Who gave you that orange shirt? I couldn't even use the scenes in my reel. Do you understand me?

These guys had the movie sold. This was a home run. They had like three people attached, Paramount. But the guy just couldn't let it. Like, fuck it. No. I'm going to have my parents fucking put up a, they remorgate. That's when remorghumorgers were huge.

They had her parents remorghumorg. Gage. Refinance. Refinance. His father refinanced. They're all, the both of them refinanced. Their houses in Beverly Hills. Leveraged to the tents. I don't forget the one guy had a wig. Oh my God.

Murray's wigs don't fall off. And the one guy that I knew from the movie was the guy that played the sidekick in, okay, now this, I hate the shit. Sidekick and why? I brought some girls to meet you. Where would you bring regular bimbos?

No, they're not bimbos. They've been bets. Oh, Bachelor Party? No. The one with the kid from that we used to date a girl in my hometown and fucking Matt Dillon, Matt Dillon, Matt Dillon, 1984, Hector Elizondo, and about a kid who league in the summer, he goes up to the fucking. The Flamingo Kid. Oh, my God. He was in the Flamingo Kid. So when I went to the audition, I recognized him.

Oh, shit, all right. I love the flamingo kid. Yep. That's all it takes. is one of the person that you recognize. Oh, my God, I was like, this is legit. This is legit.

So I took this movie, I don't forget the fucking costume lady. He goes, what do you, what did you bring? Ralphie May had given me a shirt. It was orange. One of his shirts, like a 5X that didn't fit him no more that somebody gave to him.

I was like a 4X at the time. Coked up to the gills. You know who was in that movie, too? Look it up. You got nothing. And give me the names. There was a guy in that movie that was married to the chick. from NYPD Blue, that one that was married to Jimmy Smith on the show, the brunette.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so this one was really beautiful. You're the second... Jillian... Gillian... ...person on the cast. Oh, yeah, they had to move me up. Who's number one?

Greg Lindsay. Okay, who's number... Val Lauren. Go ahead, keep... The rest is alphabetical. Keep reading. Philip Angelotti, Benjamin Carpenter, Joe Cortiz. Okay, Joe Cortez.

Joe Cortez? Joe Cortez. Okay. Listen to Joe Cortez's story, guys. You're going to die about this one. That sounds familiar. This guy was a big. He's still around.

Joe Cortez? Still around. About 70, looks good. Goes in for a few roles from time to time. Oh, he looks real good. Oh, my goodness. But Joe Cortez was this fucking dude that in the 80s was just a woman killer in this town. Oh, really?

And the story goes, he was Miami Vice. He got it? He was the original Don Johnson. He was the original. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's he with as an agency? I don't have problems, sorry. Oh, I should have logged in the mind.

Oh, he died? Did he die? No, he's still alive. He's still alive. Patterson, New Jersey. Yeah, Joe Cortez. He does look good. Had a tremendous career in this town. 72 acting.

American History X. Was he in that? Yeah. Joe Cortez, bro, was a bad motherfucker. But Joe Cortez was the original Don Johnson And Don Johnson Did walk in That audition on a Friday

I nailed it Is that what happened Is that the story? Yeah it's like you got it Steve when is easy You're the guy And then Don Johnson walks in And let's go see some

One moment Just go see this guy Don Johnson at the time Was hanging out like With fucking Frank Zappa Don Johnson was like a goal Don Johnson was hanging out with either Leonard Skinnet or the Yorman brothers.

If somebody, there's a, in fact, one of those bands say that he co-wrote a song. Like Don Johnson was like a fucking actor in this town that was just a good-looking guy, but he was fucking tearing up. He was married to Melanie Griffin. I think he married Melanie Griffin's mother. Don Johnson has an interesting story.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He did some pippy something. He's fucking nuts, Don Johnson. Really? But Don Johnson walked into that thing on a Friday and got it. And the rest was fucking history. Joe Cortez, that's his, it's like that dude that he turned down friends. And he looks like a dick.

Who turned down friends? There's an actor that's out there. He was in the movie with Gina Davis in 1995, what Gina Davis did with the black dude. Who's the black dude that does all the Spike Lee movies, the DJ? Oh, Wesley Snipes? The DJ and do the right thing. come on guys he does the critical commercials now he's huge

now who's the biggest black acting oh the president from 24 24 no no no no no by the way Philip Joe Cortez all those guys we did that movie you got nothing and I mean did it make any money

it didn't do anything nothing nothing a lot of those movies don't it was such a shame because while we were doing it they kept talking about their lives and their money and the investment they had and they weren't trying to spend. They really were keeping the budget low. I mean, that wasn't a nice hotel or something.

It was like a Motel 6th in Sacramento. I was really excited. I had like eight days on the movie. So it was great. I knew I got the movie when I walked in there, you know. It was the first time I ever shot like that. And then like a week later, I got the Rodney movie. Oh, which one?

They were at the comedy store. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got an audition. Like, I just finished that, and I got an audition at right across the street from the, it's down the block from the comedy store. On sunset? Head it towards the strip club. Across from that bar.

So there's that Mexican bar on the corner when you come up that street and make a left, and then there's the train where you get the hotline from the chili those, Carnies. Yeah. Up the block from there. It used to be a big-time cast director. Okay. She was old and she'd throw you out of the office if you weren't prepared like the first time I got an audition with her. They were like, listen, this lady is fucking 60,000 years old. And she doesn't even like you bringing the sides of it.

You got to be off book? Off book from the pre-read. To impress you, you got to be there. And those days there was a pre-read. Yeah. You got to go to the cast and director first before that you, she puts her fucking neck out there for you. So she would go to the pre-read and then. you would fuck and do this, and then it was six hoops.

And I remember I went for the pre-read. When I walked in, Rodney was in there. At the pre-read? Listen to me. Rodney was in there. Who's the guy that runs the Laugh Factory? Jamie? No.

In Vegas. He was the director. Garrett? No, no. No, no, no. Who runs the? The Laugh Factory is, I don't know. I just spoke to him about a week ago, two weeks ago.

A great guy. He put me in that movie. Really? He was a director. He had done two movies of Rodney as a director. And fucking I walked in, and I just seen him and a bunch of all those producers were walking around the store. I didn't know anything about anything.

Did you see anyone else you knew in the waiting room? Like other people auditioning? Like, because usually that's like, there's other comedians that are like, oh, we're all going in in this fucking thing together. No, I don't remember. The only other comedians in the movie were Harlem Williams, Paul Rodriguez

The guy with the big ears That's a drunk That's still around I forget what his name is A couple fucking annoying comic But no no no There was no comics in the store That was like my

No no no no no I went in there like that's the first time It's a movie about the prison And I was one of the guys in the prison That we went out and we ran And we robbed the hardware store at night So we had jacuzzis and shit bro I had scenes with that chick

The Scientologist Lee Remini? No. The one that did the movie with Travolta, I had fucking scenes to the dude

from vacation the guy's brother I mean that movie had some Oh yeah Back by midnight Back by midnight

Who's in that cat? Harry Basil is the director Harry Basil Basil Oh Who was in the movie Randy Quaid Kirstie Alley

Kirstie Alley Chrisie Allumar Paul Rodriguez Harlan Williams Marty Balafsky I don't know you know him Marty Balaskey

Yes. He was going to be the next big fucking thing. He was skinny and shit. Oh my God. He was a laugh factory guy. He was supposed to be a star. Like Marty Pulaski. His headshot's still black and white, so I don't think it worked out. Yeah. No, I haven't seen him around. Tony Cox.

Tony Cox, a little black midget. Yeah. From the little black midget from fucking the movie, you like. I want to see part two with Johnny Rock and his girlfriend. Oh, bad Santa. Bad Santa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tony Cox, a little black midget.

Oh, dude, he's hilarious. He's hilarious. I mean, we had a blast on that movie. Christy Alley was eaten. She had to be tipping the scales at 350. And I'm tipping the scales at 350. Oh, God. We were eating, we were eating like animals on that fucking set.

It was tremendous. And I didn't, listen, they hired me, but there was no character. Oh, really? The script. Like, it was up to Rodney every day. It was, man is easy. Did he just put you in scenes and stuff? He just liked me so much as your audition,

that he's like, just bring him down and find something for him. Yeah. So they called me Jojo. He called me Jojo. That's amazing. Now, this is, this is, you know, this is like fucking,

this guy was everything to me at the time. I had to do everything I had to do to keep cool in front of them. Like, everything I had to do. Like, when I watched a young comedian special with Bill Hicks and Kennison and all those guys and he's hosting, they're hilarious, but he was fucking hilarious.

in between. I still remember going to see Easy Money with beers and the movie, these were sneaking beers. And as soon as the movie started, all you heard was beers opening up the home. Like, I still remember being excited for easy money. Two weeks out. I was nervous meeting my girlfriend

at the time now, my wife's father. And I remember when I walked in, a couple times I met him, but the first time I really bonded, we sat down and watched back to school. And we laugh at the same time, at the same, it's just, it's impossible not to laugh. It was the first movie. showed me like when we first started to first started going to his house he like pulled me

down he had it on his DVR which one back to school no no easy money no the one with the he's a photographer oh easy money yeah sorry it's hysterical because it's funny on so many different levels it's fucking just visually it's a funny he's a funny per human being you know I don't lose my mind like I saw the Murphy in the store I didn't lose my mind poor mooney I didn't lose my mind there there's a lot of people at the store when I first got there but here I am in a Rodney movie and they were going to go go knock on his trailer and see what he wants to do to you and I would walk in he'd have a robe bond he was naked under the robe and shit smoking weed and the fucking

thing and I'm like he has have an idea that if he told me to suck his dick right now I'd harvey him like that's how much I idolized Rodney like just he was a part yeah done like done like he was who I was so for six days I just got to watch this old Rodney but I didn't give a fuck yeah i think he was old he couldn't remember his lines guys he would come out just to do his lines you know like they would yell the lines lines so they would say uh but he would just he was old yeah it just wasn't him he just doing movies for the check for his pension now well he didn't start till he was 50 but he was still smoking dope and drinking and walking around with a road barefoot like he was just a fucking legend and like like i i i i

I talked to him a few times. We'd be talking about the scenes and shit. JoJo, this is what we're going to do here. Take your shirt, though. Let me show you look. You know, like this one scene where I'm 400 pounds, I'm just sitting there with no shirt on in a fucking prison chair looking around. Look at this guy.

The movie has got awful. Oh, man. I mean, when we went to the fucking thing, that was no, like, like I was telling Lee, next week, Memorial Day, Labor Day, whatever. Labor Day. I'm going to do a podcast with Lee, and I wrote down, I did the Abe Lincoln Club. And I wrote down since I got out of the prison, the good things that I did and the bad things that I did.

And I got to tell you, like, my good accomplishments and my bad accomplishments, and it's like your bad accomplishments are triple. Your good accomplishments, but you just did a couple good things. Like, I keep looking at this list and going, that was a good move. Yeah. That was a good move. Like, that was instinct, you know. Like, now I'm looking at what made me do those moves.

And I look at the other moves, and it's just straight up drugged me. drug and stupidity. Drug and just being 20. Yeah. And being 30 and being immature. Oh, my God. I got out of prison at 25 years old. And, you know, I had been through from 16.

It didn't end. Like, it just didn't end. Prison was like the first time that thing slowed down. Like, whoo. I know where I'm going to get an apple from tomorrow. That was the first time. So when I got out of there. But did you need it?

think that I need prison at that time it was either gonna happen then or now but somewhere it was gonna come down and it was either gonna be a I think that I got a I did a mistake and I got a short sentence and I went out with my life but in those 30 years I just wanted to crown a lie you know like got married blew the divorce you know after I knocked my wife up like I was falling apart like most men do when you knock a woman up those nine months a fucking emotional for a man we keep it together like i'm having a trial yeah but deal i'm so excited his name is lucifer but deep down inside you're breaking inside you know yeah what if i slip

i can't slip there's no more fucking up the net's gone there's no more fucking up like that's it yeah like every punch i throw has to connect yep and that's what life and you got to pull something too it's weird how life throws though like you guys i went to the brick i went to pee And, you know, like, I don't know when I'm ready to have a kid. I've said this once, I said to this house in time. You're never ready to have a kid. No. You're never ready to get that big movie.

Nope. You're never ready to get that big call from a producer to do that big comedy show. But you step up and you cover the spread and you walk out and go. Yeah. And we figured out. They didn't let me see. They didn't see me sweat. That's the most important thing.

Like, I look at that list and I go, Oh my God, I mean, I don't know how I did that I was howling Howlin But the moves that were good Were thought out I know that they were calculated Like the stand-up What makes you get on stage the first time

Pure fucking stupidity Alcohol and bravado Yep You don't know why you get on stage the first time You have no idea You have no idea like I threw this poor bastard up on stage in Chicago During my special he did great And he never did great

And he never talked about it again. He was an experience. It was such a rush. Oh, my God. People don't know my name. It's, it's, it's, what did you get on stage? For me? Yeah, the dumbest thing we ever did.

It was the, dare. I mean, I was, I'm like, I don't really want to do it. My girlfriend was like, I'm going to sign you up tonight, drunk. I'm like, all right, let's do it. Get on stage. Tell three minutes of jokes. Had people told you were funny before? Kind of, yeah.

But I feel like you're, you're either, there's only a certain amount of people that would ever take the risk of doing that and embarrassing themselves, that's a small amount. And then out of that amount, anyone that's willing to do it that's ever willing to do it again or multiple times, that's even smaller. So I think it weeds out real fucking quickly, real quickly, the people that are like never meant to do it. But whatever, whoever's drawn to that microphone for whatever reason, mostly it's just, yeah, for me was like some sort of false bravado thinking that I'm funny.

person that I could do it and a little bit of alcohol. That's it. And going back is because I felt okay and I didn't, something about being on stage was like, oh, this isn't the worst feeling in the world. I kind of at some level enjoy this. While you're saying this, I'm thinking about how much I really want to hate my wife and how much I like to stab her and how much I like to do a lot of better against my ex-wife. But she did what she had to do and I can't be mad at her.

for that but she did do one thing she fucking like I kept calling up comedy works and canceling oh really and she would and then one day I told I got a spot and she got a babysitter so she put me against

the wall yeah go down there we went and got dinner it was like a date night and I went down there with her and I fucking got on stage and when I got off that owner of the comedy works just there at Nichols at the time and he's like, keep doing it. You got stage presence and shit.

And I remember, like, walking up the stairs, the comedy works going, like, how am I going to keep doing this? Yeah. Like, I have a wife and a child. Like, what am I going to tell him? Like, I remember the next couple weeks at work, it was like, I hope this ladder falls, you know? Like, I was a roofer, and I would help them.

I would estimate roofs. And I'm going, like, I wish his ladder falls. And I break my leg so I could get out of room. roofing and while I'm rehabilitating, get it to stand-up comedy. So it's like, yeah. Like, I didn't know how I was going to do this. And I kept getting on little stages and I kept eating a bag of dicks. Then I went to New York for 10 days just strictly to Dublo.

Like, I hadn't been in New York for six years. I left in 85. It's 91. And I just basically went to New York to do blow and get on a few stages. And I went to a few places. and it was kind of scary, and I just did blow. I went to buy Yankee Stadium every night

and bought fucking, I rented a car from Hertz, and it was like a white police car. And all, every time I go to the Bronx, these black people would run away, and I'm like, no,

I'm not the cops. I got a lot of a bill with a white police car. Oh, my God, I was taking cash advances on this credit card. I went, oh, my God. Those cash advances.

Oh, they flag you out. 18% at least on those things. Oh, they hit you out. That's how they, first time you got a cash advance. advance on the credit card you're done yeah because the tags on to everything the 18 tags on to everything yeah because the 100 they're not charging you a hundred dollars on your credit card they're charging you 118 and then you don't pay that and then the interest is on the 118 you gotta pay

i went bananas when i got divorced i had like every credit card in the world and i went through him like a fucking bandit the worst thing i ever did was discover like i tried to realize the apply for Discover. I got a fucking Discover card. My application came back, ripped up. Like, mush's tickets and shit. It came back, ripped up. I got a Discover card in college.

Hit me. And they gave you a T-shirt with it, like a long-sleeved t-shirt. And I remember playing basketball at day. And I had to go to a class. And then I had to go do something later on. I didn't want, I was all sweaty. So I wanted, I basically just wanted the fucking T-I, I wanted a long-sleeve t-shirt. So I signed up.

The card came in the mail $12,000 later. You know, they give these fucking cards to people. I don't know. $12,000 and about six years later, I finally pay this fucking card off. I still have this fucking t-shirt. It's got a thousand holes in it. And my wife keeps trying to throw it away. You touch that.

It was a $12,000 fucking t-shirt. I'm going to be buried in that fucking t-shirt. It's got the cover card on the front of it, thousand holes up the fucking sleeve and shit. Holes everywhere. But I held on that fucking t-shirt because it cost me $12,000. $12,000. $12,000.

I don't know if they still do that, But they signed. They had Discover, Mastercard, Diner's Club, all in the fucking Union Hall of the college. Of the college. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's how I got. Sign up. That's how I got. As soon as you get a loan.

So when you go to that, that intro day? Yeah. There was an intro day. They had huts. I couldn't believe it. I was like a kid in a candy store. I was a thief. I just won the fucking t-shirt.

Here I am with like eight Gs in my pocket. I'm scholarship money from poor Latinos. They donated. I'm signing up for classes. I'm withdrawing. I'm banging out these checks. I'm a fucking animal. Collecting Wick.

Nobody knew nothing. Nobody knew nothing. Not even my wife. I had money coming in for me. I had a scholar. I had a friend. That's what he specialized in. You paid him 500 bucks.

And all he did was get you scholarships. And he had lists of them. Five nickels. Oh, I was getting nickels. I was just banging them out like they were my money. Bang. Fucking that. I was so unable.

all the night i get a nickel and save 250 fuck that then i go get a jacket then i go to the movies i go get a fucking one of those chikafil sandwiches i need three or four those chick fillets in bolder you think i'm kidding but i'll never forget going to pick up uh a pell grant two g ones yep they're free and i was like oh i'm going to get some blowing on this shit and i go downstairs and the visa girl came up and how were you did you get a pal grand yes i did you qualify well really sign me up sign me up I signed every one of those things the week later all those cars came in the mail with a nickel and let me tell you something I didn't touch those fucking things didn't touch him didn't touch him got

locked up came out didn't touch him every once in a while I go to uh no one there was one card I would repay but it would kill me that's why I didn't gamble because I don't like paying that motherfucker on Thursday that's what happens with a credit card You're out spending drinking. I would go to what's that place that gives you the bottomless fries? Red Robin. Red Robin and bold. I had a Cocoa loco.

That would fuck you up. Like vodka and fucking gazenga juice and ice cream. I got up to like 3,000 pounds drinking 10 of those a night and putting on my credit card. 16 grams. A thousand grams of sugar. Oh, my God. Bottomless fries. I used to spend there and had a place called a harvest.

I would get my credit card. And it would just be harvest, harvest, harvest, harvest, harvest. Harvest, harvest, harvest. What's the harvest? Harvest was a vegan joint. Oh, okay. That I thought was just a tea had meth in it.

The tea would make your hair stand up. Seriously, I wish I was lying. It was like a cinnamon tea. When they tried to switch it, because Celestial Seasonings is in Longmont, Colorado. Boulder, basically. So I guess they put celestial seasonings and the town got together

and signed the petition for the harvest to bring the tea back. This is 1987, 88, 89. I went in the harvest every day from 1987 to about 1994. Jesus. For tea every day? I went in there for tea, the Swiss granola or the Australian pit chicken or the vegan gazpacho. That's all I ate was the harvest.

I loved it. The breakfast was the best high-calorie breakfast you could eat. It was fruit, this fucking frozen vanilla yogurt. It doesn't sound bad. With blueberries, but a ton of granola, which kills you. It was called Swiss granola with two pieces of multi-grained toast with butter. That's what I would eat for breakfast every day. Heavy on the bananas and the blueberries.

No kiwi, none of that shit. I would go in there and destroy those things. So for years, I kept my credit card use low. I didn't know, but when I got separated, what do I give a fuck? I started burning through those things like a motherfucker, but the last one was Discover. Discover I just took to the cleaners because they were done with me. But I got home coke that one and I started looking through the drawers and I found those Discover checks.

Discover checks. Oh, yeah. They were like, you could hand, you got a handwritten. Whatever you get a credit card. They also send you three blank checks. Oh, I don't remember that one. Same thing is getting in advance. My buddy, his dad was a gambler and they almost lost the house up those checks.

Don't give you those checks. You put whatever you want. So I waited until that was a Saturday night, 10 o'clock. Wow. I fucking signed it for a thousand. And it was a bank of Boulder. And I had like 300 in my... I don't even know.

I don't even know. No, no, I couldn't have 300. I had no money in my bank. And next thing I put in the driving window and usually the check would come back and the two and I picked it opened it up. And it was a $10,100 bills. I took that money and ran.

What's that feeling like? But I had also taken a loan out from these people for the ACU. At the time, I had an accurate car. And I had my bank on with them. So I guess they bro Monday 905 my phone rang Mr. Diaz

we have bad news for you. Discover the client that check you better bring back that thousand dollars. What? I was like with that thousand dollars me and some girl snorted that shit that poor girl's on a bus ride home thinking to herself what happened thinking to herself what happened

she was coming over to snort a line and go meet her girlfriend she ended up sucking and fucking for two days in that basement of debt oh god And they were serious, bro. Yeah, I never heard that you have to 12 o'clock. I said, and I called a lady at the bank. What do you mean you have to 12?

What are you going to do? 12 o'clock. Discovers going to press charges. I said, okay. And I fucking called the lady I had the loan with. And I told her what happened. I go, it was a mistake. Whatever.

She goes, let me see what I could do. That fucking knucklehead calls me back. And she goes, what we're going to do is tack on the thousand. We're going to pay this cover. And tack the thousand onto your car loan. That's how fucking ballsy I was. Whoa. Oh, my God.

So one night, I'm taking the Ackyro. I'm going to a nugget game. I get two tickets to see the nuggets, court side. And I hit black ice, and I fucking bang out those Accura rims or $1,000 a piece. I bang out the fucking Accurram.

I got to drive home with a flat tie. You know me, I'm lazy. I'm not going to change the tie. I just drove home. I didn't get me a fuck. Oh, my God. I'm making a fan of this car. So Mike Kessler, the wolf,

that's been on the show. Uncle Mike, Mike, he worked, he was a general manager at the, at the Accuror place. I told him, listen, leave the keys in the car. I'm gonna go over there one night just take an accurate tank of bringing it in the house take the ties off and switch rims

this is how crazy I was dog I was out of my mind you did that please I can't cop to it because people will know I think you just cop to it no no I didn't say yes or not necessarily it's funny as shit oh my god and then there was another

there was a dealership up there and I was I knew them I used to go up there and sell them coke and shit and I used to go up there at night And I used to get Gouda cheese. I love Gouda cheese. Crackers and fresh and squeezed arnage juice. And I would sit there at night and look at the accuracy.

And when I went on, I go, let me see if the door is open. And the door was open. And I went in, and it was a Friday night. I went into the dealership. This store is out, so I don't get it. And I knew where the spiff box was, where they had the cash for Saturday. It's like, if you sell the most cards. And I clipped the back.

It was like 3,400. The next day they blamed this guy named David Means, who lived in Florida. But I mean, he was a thief and a Cokefean. There was a bunch of Cokefeans who worked at the Subaru. It was this last Subaru accurate dealership. Oh, my God. I got hired on the accurate side, and I was fresh out of prison.

And I had a big chip on my shoulder, the dog. I was out of control. Really? Oh, I was out of control, and I was in halfway house, dog. I was itching for a fucking, and the guy's name was Jeff Jensen. I still remember a nicest white guy in the business and my first three days

I sold three cars. I'd already made like three grand. Accurry used to have a car called the Vigar. And the finance guy was black and he drove a figure so he used to call him the nigger with the Vigar. You can't write this shit.

You understand me? I mean, yeah. This is only emboldened because they were racist P. Yeah. So Hager used to have a car. In 1988, look it up. Who invented the nickname, though? At the dealership. You got to have a nickname. It was fucking hilarious.

So one day I found out something that we were going to revoke my probation or something. So Jeff Jensen was one of those guys that was just the night. You know, like the guy from Zanis, Nashville. Oh, yeah, Ron. Or Dorfin. The nicest guy in the world. Yeah. Dorfin is the nicest guy in the world.

It was only sold in America from 91 to 94. See? It was called the Vigga. Listen, there wasn't a black person in the 90-mile radius. They bought that vigor? No, that there wasn't a person, 90-mile radius, a black person. And the one black person, they hired them to be the finance manager at the accurate store. And then they gave them a vigor.

So the white dudes just sit there, they were racist. And they go, look at that fucking vigor with the nigger with the nigger. And I would just sit there and go, there's only emboldened because they are racist, fucking, you know, that's why they had all the problems. football plays there's shit like that we do 8,000 podcasts the last two podcasts we said that we're like 18 times because it's true it's not a racist word would you're using I'm not using a racist term at all well you're just repeating it with what yeah no no I'm just repeating what they were saying you know what I'm saying I mean that mean why would they make that obviously what did the car look like do you have a not great yeah it was a smaller whatever

it was a smaller version of the fucking car that put them on the map Oh, the, what's the car that put him on the map? Well, they just look so old now. That four door, whatever that was. Oh, yeah, that looks like a dots. Yeah. Integra, Accura. What was it?

Accura. I had a two-door Accura and Integra. I used to call it the Act. A white little Integra with the fucking, it was tremendous. It had the best fucking stereo system in the world. I bought it from my brother, Jim Wheeler, for fucking book. Oh, really? For book.

And then we got like 115 from the best. bank we chopped up a nickel piece you know us dog always wheel and fucking deal it because he gave it to me from book but it was worth more the stereo they had paid the kid like 8000 for the car he told me if you just put five over on the thing i saw you the car right now to the banks that's what i did it was a great deal and they paid off the thousand dollars too then no no no no no no no when i left color i just left that car on the corner i just left them on the corner we didn't he just left it on my corner dog i listen like i owed i had no insurance yeah so i had i had had him made a payment and fucking i used to hide the car and under bushes every now i had to hide the car three blocks away

and the fucking camouflage so you parked your car in night three blocks oh they were looking for me they were looking for me a tarp on it or whatever oh no i was parking some guy's garage i told him i had a problem he would let me park in there he parked outside so the tow truck didn't knock the door down i was going through hell i was a starting comedy yeah i was in my third second year a comedy. All the money I was making was paying an attorney off to keep the walls off me from my ex-wife. I was committed to comedy at that

point. 93, I was like in. Like, that's it. This is what I want to do. So it was just a rough patch I had. It was just a really rough patch. And I just left the car there. And you know what? Years later with my credit app? It ain't nothing there. So it's crazy. I had

two cars dissolved into paperwork, but I know I owed money on. I had a car in 83. I bought off one of those buy here, pay here, and the bank got involved. I left it on 140th Street, 135th Street in a snowstorm one day. I came back three days later. They picked it like a chicken bone. It was down to the frame on bricks.

I never said nothing. I didn't call a cop. I just got on the plane of Colorado. And, Doug, that thing still hasn't popped up on my credit at. I got like a perfect credit store now. And I got my amics back, and I banged amics for years. When I was going to that divorce, I would drive up to a casino because you can't get a cash advance from Amix

unless you go to a casino in those days. Oh, really? Why? Because the fucking pit boss are called American Express themselves. Oh, fuck. He needs a nickel. Wow. Yeah, and in the 90s, in the 90s, if your car had a $5,000 limit

and you went to Las Vegas, you just called a pit boss over. A pit boss would up your fucking limit on a car. know that? No. I would go to Atlantic City. Yeah. But we'd have to play, we were under 21.

Yes. We had to get our IDs chocked and stuff. So we just wanted to win cash. We weren't looking for big, big wins, something that we didn't have to, like, go in and sign paperwork for. A couple hundred bucks. That's all we were looking for. But I didn't realize that you needed, like, if you needed to get a cash advance, you needed to talk to someone, a fucking pit boss or a dealer or someone like that to get you a cash advance.

Yeah. Fuck. They get your cash advance. They call the card for you. Bump your limit and get your cash advance. Damn. That's how much strength they had, like in the 90s, 80s, the fucking casino in Las Vegas. Well, you can still do it now.

They would know somebody at the company. Let me talk to Miriam. Miriam, Joe over here at Cesar. At least I had here. Nice guy, big player. I've been coming here for about four years. He's got 50,000 limit on his car. I went up to 75,000.

Let me see what I could do. Yeah, okay. And then you'd be able to go take it. You heard they could still do that? Oh, I want, no, I know you can get in advance. I didn't know. It makes sense, though, because the casino probably has a relationship, and they're probably like, oh, well, we'll cover the losses.

Like, we'll, like, we'll just have him owe us. Like, they probably, like, I wouldn't be surprised. Yeah, I'd destroy. It makes sense. They just want you gambling. What are you spending money? In my fifth year, a comedy, fourth year of comedy, I would get to a comedy club, and somebody would go

somebody just called here for you call this number and I would call that's HBO that's an agent and I call them back and I was like hey Joey Sam from fucking Discover oh fuck you have no idea

how many places I would go to they'd call me you never had student loans or anything did you I mean besides like they came after you for those Pels and shit like that or no they never came after me before the Pell's they came after me about seven years ago for the student loan

Oh, they did, they found you? Oh, yeah. Seven years ago? Yeah. Would they try to pop you? If you don't, I mean, you know, but... Can I grab one of those, too? A big fucking envelope.

Holy shit. Seven years ago, that's a while after, too. Fuck. There's no statute of limitations on that? No, not on student loans. They will fucking hunt you down. Listen, if you die, your wife is responsible for your fucking student loan. There's a big vice article a year or two ago about people who are leaving the country

and just never coming back. but they're not going to pay their student loans. Like they'll get arrested if they ever come back to America. Seriously. Yeah. They don't fuck around. You get a letter. As soon as they see something,

listen, I didn't pay taxes from 91,000, like fucking three. My wife, God bless her, talked me to go into the IRS. And I've said it a thousand times. They were the nicest people in the world. But I'm going to tell you. tell you guys something. You don't have to pay taxes. Don't tell people that.

If you make 30 Gs a year, or let's say you're a wheeler dealer and you're making cash, you don't have to pay taxes. But I'm going to tell you something. If you're making money, they know it. If you're making deposits and cash and checks, they know it. And in time, they'll come get you.

They'll come get you when you make money. Trust on time. Those years, they told me that I wasn't responsible from 91 days. They only go back seven years. Those years, it doesn't matter. I made no money. One year, I made money.

The other fucking seven years were $8,000 years. In 1996, I made $89,900. In 1995, I made like $9,000. One of those years, I made $72 because I made $60,000 in December for a sports breading service. I made $12,000 one year. You know, delivering Chinese food, trying to just put angles together.

But all those years, it was making $9,000. Yeah, I made like $20,000 in 2002. They don't give a fuck about $9,000. What are you going to do to do $9,000? When you start making money, they will reach out and touch you. Remember that? Reach out and touch somebody. What was that?

They'll reach out and touch you. They know exactly where you are, especially now, especially today. Yeah, now you can't go anywhere. You know, when I was doing all this crazy shit, remember, we were still, you know, I was telling these guys a story the other day. that had a friend who used to, was I telling AJ or you about my buddy with the ATM cards? He would close accounts.

Yeah, who was I telling? Was I telling him? I think it was AJ. He would fucking go into a bank, put $2,000, leave it there for six months, and take a $2,000 bank loan on it, a book loan on it on the 2000. So he would take $2,000,

and then in those days, the computer systems weren't fast enough. So Woodland Hills, the Studio City, So he would walk into Studio City Bank of America at 259 and close the account. And get the 2000 back? Get the 2000 back. And then shoot up to Woodland Hills by five and close the account. Wow. Because the computers would move faster them.

And then you'd process it. They caught immediately, you know, they didn't catch it. But now you can't do that. You know, over the year, you know, this, I had to do a background check two months ago for a passport. There's shit on there that's not even mine. really oh there's cocaine arrest on there we got arrested for cocaine but how many Jose Diaz is on there yeah fun so there's probably a lot of shit is on there but let me say that because my first American Express card or no I got a new one you know the date comes up I got a new

one probably five years ago and you get the I don't I looked at the number of whatever and all of a sudden I'm using it the guy's like man it's this it's crazy how old this card thinks you are. You know how on American Express she says member since. Yeah. Mine said member since 88. And my dad has the exact same name as I. And he was a member since 88.

So the card they sent me was my card, but they must, they had his name and they had members since 88. So now I'm, you know, I'm a fucking, I'm a child trying to, you know, get it. So I said this to them. I go, you guys, this is my card, right? This shit's not going to my dad's bill. He's like, no, no, no, we fucked up. We just, you know, we looked at the name and that was it.

I was like, oh, shit. But, yeah, I can imagine that Jose Diaz has many, many different, you know, citations against him. But then the shit, like, I did a ton of shit from 81 to 85. None of that is on there. That's good. Like, I don't start coming up in the computer. Like, I had the rest in Bergen County. That's not up there.

But there was a couple of arrested with those arrested. You don't get in trouble for six months. It's cleaning. Yeah. I don't like six of those. But there was a couple other ones that, you know, I know they should be on there. There's no way on there. How close are you to getting it all taken care of?

Not close at all. I still got the warrant in Washington State. But it's a non-whatever warrant. And I'm not going to come get me. I'm not going to surrender. So where I'm not. stalemate yeah they just want money they just want me to pay a fine that's it that's done I think the Idaho Warren is null and void I think I don't know finally gave up

it was like we're done chasing Joey yes we're done it was a different time yeah it was a different you know something weird happened I don't know if you guys read the paper it's really fucked me the last couple days I'm gonna talk about them we'll get the fuck out here I know you got things to do and people to see just think about Anthony Bordane's girlfriend. What about her? I haven't heard about this. This is beautiful.

She's one of the earlier accusers of Harvey Weinstein. But it just got released that she's getting sued. She settled. She settled for raping a 17-year-old kid on a set one night. What? Her? She did? Yeah.

And, you know, I told my wife, I go, what people don't really understand across the country is that Hollywood, Let's start from scratch. Wow. What's that expression they say about women? There's no wrath and an angry woman. Hell have no fury like a scorn woman or something.

A scorn woman. Let me tell you something. There's a lot of men in Hollywood that are bitter. But think how many women there are that are fucking bitter. You know, there's a bunch of women that suck dick and got success. But there's a lot of them that suck dick and just got plain light to. You know, I just, bumped into a comic from 20 years ago, about two months ago.

And it was great to see her and the whole thing. But she sucked her way out of this town. Yeah. You know, like you ever see somebody and your friends are, and you never had nothing to do with her, but you just see her now and you're like, you sucked your way out of this town. You know, I went to prison.

I did something wrong, Steve Renazizi, and I got locked up and I paid my duty society. And I got judged. You know, I had to get judged and all this shit. But at the same time, I don't, I have daughters, and I have friends, I have daughters, and I understand the whole Me Too project. But you really have to think of the whole thing. And if there's smoke, there's fire.

You know, before you fucking throw a rock, you better make sure you don't live in a glass fucking house. I mean, okay, that's number one. The most painful interview I've seen so far is Matt Lauer when he's interviewing. Bill O'Reilly. Just literally, like, you're the head of the network, you're the face of the network, you don't think these accusers have. And then for him to be a month later, it's like, how do you do that interview? It's...

How do you do that interview knowing that, you know, it's got to come down the other way? We live in a weird fucking time. We live in a weird, this is a weird business. So this woman made a payout already for this? $380,000. To the kid? Yeah. And she's one of the early.

early accusers. Was it, was it, was it, was it, was it, uh, um,

, like, he was he, like, was he, like, I was just 17. He was on a set. He was 17 in 2013. Now,

he should tell me he should smack the fuck out of him. Yeah. He's got to be something some of God's kid because, you know, what's he doing there? Jento sucked his dick off.

Like, she could tell she got tattoos and she's nasty and, you know. The age of consent in California's 18, so maybe that's why. That's why. Oh, really?

but yeah, uh, yeah, Yeah, right after she... They did a movie together or something. Yeah, but he went after her right after she started talking about Harvey Weinstein. Oh, wow, okay. Yeah, you got to make sure your house is clean before you start pointing fingers.

I try you got to check your fucking closet from time to time and rattle those bones. I always do and just look. And listen, man. That's why I don't get down when people, you know, they talk shit about the fucked up shit you do or I've done or whatever. It's like, fuck it. I don't give a fucking. I'm like, you have to know it. Like, your house is all fucking cleaned up.

You've done all your homework. You're perfect. You know? The thing that gets me the most about this town is I was a criminal. I fucking used a gun. If you're going to do something like, these guys don't use guns. They're like fucking little wormy fucking dudes, you know. And my point before was being is I've done a lot of fucked up shit.

We were at the store when, I seen a lot of bad shit at the store. I seen women get put. through a lot of shit at the store absolutely i seen women walk into situations at the store i saw a lot of bad crazy stuff at the store you know i i raised my hand on some nights there was some crazy shit that went on that but uh i saw women get eaten up in this town and i you know you try to pull them aside you like him as a comic and you're like hey man don't do that and then they go I saw women that try. I know a lot of female comics that used that power.

But at the end, comedy always wins. At the end, if you can't be fun here, those titties and that pussy and all that shit goes away. And I saw it. I saw women do it. You know, I saw women go through it. You know, there was a girl at the store. When I first got to the store, she would suck your dick for a spot.

in the belly room tell you yeah tell you yeah i'll suck your dick for a spot the belly you're like are you fucking crazy i'll get you on stage at the yeah hold on one second don't go nowhere let's go talk to this chick you know real quick you know i mean it was that crazy at the store yeah so when you hear when all this shit went on i looked at it from a you know and i rby wyinstein's a piece of shit in my book you know we all know he was doing that everybody knew everybody was in on it They were all in on it. The agents knew it was like a joke. How do we fuck around?

When we're together, when we're sitting there as men, three guys, you know, when three guys are sitting together by themselves, what do you think we're talking about fucking cars? When three animals are sitting together, they're talking about their conquest. That's what they do. They talk about their conquest. Three classless fucking guys.

Sure. There's a lot more classless guys in LA than classy guys. Bro, I have people that suck my dick. I've never said nothing. Oh, of course. I've never said nothing. I know people that say, listen, I'm going to suck your dick, but don't say nobody could. And you're like, this is the best blow job in the world.

If you say something, then everybody won't want one. Yeah. You don't say, don't say nothing. You know what? I won't say nothing. You're absolutely right. I know how to keep my match up. But there's guys that have to talk about the conquest.

You didn't mean to tell me, Arby Weinstein, never told guys, come here for a second. Fuck him, Rosa, whatever on name. It sucks a tremendous pipe or whatever. They chit chat. There's plenty people. So they all knew. They all knew. You know, Harvey goes to a party.

She's a hot 20-year-old. Who's her agent? Come here for a second. Send her into my office tomorrow. He knows. That agent knows exactly what's going down. You know, not one agent was mentioned that has sent all these women. I would attack the agents.

I would make the agents liable. Go, hey man, you sent me to that fucking office. And fucking Godzilla stuck it up my ass. You know, I mean, it's just. truth leave this ain't a joke I used to yell at my agent if they send me to the wrong building I used to call my I'm like can you guys get your shit together and but then there's two sides story rid is easy there's a lot of people who knew what they were walking into this town is not there's a lot of people who don't want to do

the work in this fucking town they don't want to do the fucking work and I guarantee there's women that come out here going I'll suck a dick you tell me that that's not true that's the truth no I'm saying it is I also think that some people think it's their only way that you know I'm not that good and this is the only way I'm going to be able to do you're right and we saw it we saw it I saw it at the store yeah I remember one night coming back

from the store with Lee and just telling them stories that I got to the point when my body was shaking we were outside it was warm weather I just telling them calm me you know just shit that I had forgotten about that your mind gets exercised as you're talking and you remember yeah sexual and crazy situations and you know and

I'll tell you what, like, I've never really been like a fucking, and I wanted to tell this story on the podcast. When I was 13, I had I went with a Cuban dudes, and they were animals. You know, Cuban dudes were animals. Yeah. The white dudes I and I went were a little bit more classy, but the Cuban dudes are like, yeah, I want to make out with him grab her tetties and shit, so I didn't really fucking know.

You know, I didn't have a father to give me that guidance. So when I was at this girl's house, I knew, I grew up with it. We all grew up with this girl. We all go to a house and we're at a house and we're watching like Saturday Night Live. Then there was this girl. Another girl that came over that went to a Catholic school. We grew up with her. But I hadn't seen her in a while.

And I was like, holy shit. She looked good. Oh, my God. And we had, I had known this since like maybe the third day I moved to North Bergen. I became friends with her and her brother. And her brother, I think, joined the Army and got shot one night. He came back home and leave and got shot. God, the drug deal or something like that.

But they lived in our neighborhood, but she went to a Catholic school. And I was a little fucking savage at the time. I didn't know nothing about nothing. I didn't know anything. And she didn't have a brawn. Oh, my God. And she had, like, a shirt on. Yeah.

And the tit was popping out. And I was like, I couldn't take it. What are you going to do? I couldn't fucking take it. What did you do? And I just told it, I said, can we meet downstairs? She's like, yeah. But she didn't know.

She thought we were going to meet to smoke a joint. And we went downstairs, and I started smoking a joint with it, and I told. I said, you know, I started giving it a typical lie shit. I've always had a crush on you. We started making it out. And I remember I went for a tit. Like, the tit was out. And I, like, grabbed the tit, you know.

And she let me suck it for a couple minutes. And then afterwards, she started crying. Like, she was 13, dog. I was 13. Yeah. She put a tip back in a shirt. She said, I can't believe that, you know, I let you do this. I feel terrible.

And she started crying on that first. I'm like, what are you doing? And I got mad for about two minutes. But for some reason, I saw the little girl in her. And that's when I discovered sexual harassment. That's my sexual harassment story. Like, just seeing her cry because she had given me her tit the first time. This is the first time she had ever.

Like, she just went out to experiment. She ran into a wolf. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you know what I'm saying? She went out to experiment. And you saw the, you still had enough innocence, I think, to see. Since in her and said you're trying.

This girl is not like rejecting me. She's just scared right now. And she's not like saying like it's you're an asshole or but it's more like just like I'm in this uncomfortable situation that I, you know, didn't know I was getting myself into. I didn't know. Yeah. I didn't know as a kid. That's a great. I mean, well, look, that's a great lesson to get, especially and be able to lock into it at 13.

But she was my friend. You got to remember. She wasn't a girl at a bar. So you weren't trying to hurt her. She was. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. You knew you wanted to have like a cool relationship with her.

I thought she was sending me a message every time she bent over. And she even had like funnel tits like the tits weren't big developed yet They were just like forward like she was beautiful she was a beautiful girl She had grown up to be a beautiful fucking girl, you know like she was 13 I was 13 But that was the first time I saw a girl get upset like that and it bothered me and I knew like right there I knew that That's it like she didn't say no she just pulled away because she was a Catholic fucking girl And she's like my brother's gonna find that You know, my father, like, she was just ashamed.

She went on to date some fucking tow truck dude, like, you know, years later with a filthy dick and shit. Fuck her. But the ball of the story was, I learned something from her. You learn. That's great. I really did learn something from her. That was weird.

And I, like, when I dated that girl in New York in the seventh grade, like, we used to just dry hump. Oh, I'd dry hump. One time I sucked their titties, and that's it. That made me get left back. Like, that's how weak I was at that age. like that I got left back from her just dry humping me. Like I didn't, I didn't, she told me I want to wait and I would just take it.

Yeah. You know, I would take what you can get. I was just happy that people would dry hump with me. Fuck, dude. Not dog. Everybody keeps telling me you want to start this gambling podcast. Oh, yeah. I'm starting.

I'm going to do a dry run the end of the week. Just practicing. Yeah. Here's a deal. Here's why. It's not just gambling to gamble. It's gambling because now that it's legal, everywhere. It's sort of

like the taboos. So tell me that it's legal. What is this is the list? So now you can go into, it used to just be Vegas. You can get a bet of a sports book. That's what when you want to gamble on the Emmys or the hot dog eating contest or a fucking baseball game,

you can't just go to the OTB. You got to go to like, you used to have to go to just to Vegas. They were the only one with a sports book. Then Jersey had the big lawsuit and now they won Supreme Court because they The whole thing was you can't have a sports book and a professional sports team. So that's why Atlantic City couldn't have a sports book for all those years.

So now that anyone can have a sports book, they're everywhere. So you can literally go down to your local sports book and gamble on anything. Or you can do it online. That's another option. So my thing is this, it's not just going to be football. It's not just going to be sports, not just be baseball. It's going to be the week of the Emmys. I'm going to have someone come on.

We're going to talk about the categories. We're going to see the odds. And we're going to gamble and bet on that. We'll talk about that for the week. We're going to have all these different bets building up so that we're going to have payoffs and have to like, you know, have either. It's not going to be monetary bets, but like shame bets and things like that. I'm going to bet, you know, baseball, Yankees, Red Sox, say they got a World Series game

coming up, whatever. We'll do something like that. So it's going to be all arenas, politics, sports, anything. So it's not just gambling to gamble on money. But I do want to have some experts on because, like, baseball, I don't know how to bet baseball. There's a thousand different ways. so I want to have on someone to talk about that. You know what I'm saying?

To explain the people how to bet baseball and football. How to bet baseball. How to bet, you know, what's the, how to bet golf when you play golf? There's all these different games you can play. Wolf, Last Man, and all these different things you can do so. Have someone on to talk about the different games you can play like that. What was the last, what was the first thing you ever gamble, though? For me, Blackjack.

For me, it was the football sheets. That's the first gamble. What do you mean, like football sheets? People give you a sheet from Tuesday. Yeah, pick the teams. You had to pick four for four for ten bucks for a dollar, five, paid you like $13. That's the first time I learned.

And then you had to pick college. Besides like card games, like at the house. I'd see my grandfathers and uncles would play card games and stuff. I didn't like losing. I don't like paying on Thursday. So that's what got me. Thank God. Like, I'm in a decision.

If I'm going to pay a bookie, I might as well snorkekekeke. That was my decision earlier. Yeah. In 83, I was like, wait a second, I can't gamble and snor coke. But I'll tell you what I will do. I won't gamble and snor coke. At least I'll get something out of it. I didn't like paying a bookie every fucking week.

I always thought about doing a sports betting podcast. And I have a friend, a dear friend that that's his expertise. Oh, really? Danny Van Culo, that's his expertise. I mean, they did a segment on him on HBO. When we're in touch with him. was 97. That's what I told Justin, our agent. Oh, yeah? I go, I should put Danny losing Hoboken.

But Danny does his own thing. Oh, he does, yeah. But he's tight with the ref. Oh, okay. The ref did our show early on. Okay. And then he's tight with this other guy that has a sports betting thing out of Philly. Johnny. I follow him on Twitter. Good guy. Really good guy.

But I'm in with all those guys. I just, for years, you know. Donagie for the ref. Yeah, for Donagie and all those guys. for years people had you know because I do know but I don't know I don't know nobody nobody knows that's why nobody knows that's what I was gonna do like people were like I used to do a fancy football podcast or whatever and I'm like it the market sort of saturated with that but also like I used to go on those fantasy football expert podcasts and I used to sit there I'm like nobody the ball shaped fucking crazy it bounces weird nobody knows the ball bounces this way the ball bounces

that way. You're right, you're right. Who's an expert? There's no fucking experts. There's no one knows. I mean, there are dudes that do their homework. There are dudes that know who kick well in the fucking weather and which way this is going on, but nobody really knows. Now, though, now, because of the whole gambling

thing, the NFL, one of the leagues is the first one to sign. You can bet the bet at the fucking stadium. That game. Probably the Raiders. Yeah. So you can now have, you can bet at the game on that fucking game that you're at right there.

So now they have like NFL guys and and you know, they have gambling guys in these fucking locker rooms. I'm just saying before and long there's a reason why all these spreads and all these numbers are so fucking close every single time. They know, yeah. Every single

fucking time. These guys know. So yeah, those guys are experts, the guys that could call the lines and stuff like that. But as far as like fantasy football and all that bullshit, that's not really. But the guys that really make the lines, There's like seven or eight dudes that know exactly what the fuck is going on. And they trick you?

But I mean, if you're a, if you're a casino, think about it. You got to find someone that's going to lay the odds for your casino to make sure you don't fucking lose money. I mean, there's probably seven guys in the world. Yeah, there's seven. No, but every casino has a couple guys and they see it coming. They fucking trick you. They're geniuses. I mean, that's the line.

That's, that's, is a genius. But remember a wise man once told me, Arch Sleetzer was a starting quarterback, and he lost. Pete Rose was playing the game, and he was a loser. And so was Michael Jordan was betting the game, and he was losing. What makes you think you could pick a fucking game? Once I heard that, I was like, you got me that. I think you got to have separation.

Those guys have too much skin in the game. Jordan's too emotional. He doesn't want to lose. It doesn't. I think the seven guys that know how to do it, they don't give a fuck. It's a math. It's either a gut feeling that they just believe their gut. And if they're wrong, that was a fluke thing or that's some sort of math problem that they go, this is what the answer is.

I don't give a fuck. Listen, I've been on the receiving side of the hook for years. The hook means, you know, the line says seven. When you call your local bookie, it says seven and a half because more people bet in the Knicks than they are the fucking. So they move it over? Detroit Pistons, so they move all this shit. I know all about that local stuff. I used to do it myself.

I used to have my Coke dealer. This is the Jenner Gamble. I had three co-deers, but one of my co-deers is the Jenner Gamble. So I'd set them up during football season. I'd call them on Fridays and start telling them what to pick. And then I call him Sunday and go, I'm really liking this game. I knew it was going to lose. Oh, God.

And then he would call me Sunday and go, can you get a better? And I would sit on it. and he would pay me with cocaine that night. I got to go pick up the money tonight. I just take coke from me. God damn it, how do you do? I'd set him up on Thursday with what to beck, but I knew they were losers.

And every week I was right, he bet against me or whatever. Oh, my God. I just knew it. That's how I got free Coke on Sundays. When I'd host at the store on Sunday nights, that's how I got free Coke. That was my Sunday night hook to set him up and shit.

And I would even call him and go, you got a bookie? He would call him. You got a book? Yeah, yeah. Let me call you right back. I set him up. Wait five minutes.

I got one guy. He said seven and a half, but you got to bet a hundred. I would always keep him low and shit. Like he would always grab up. I bought 500. No, this guy,

first time, $100. Just in case he won. Just in case he left. But he was the kiss of death. He couldn't pick a fucking one. The mush. I just saw so many guys that now,

if I like something overwhelming and I'm in Vegas, I'll bet it. But if not, I don't give a fun. I want to have someone talking about podcasts. Well, it's funny because.

Bet on pot. Who's going to have the most hits this week on their podcast? That's a good one. Whatever it is. It's like you can have a topic about any. It's like doesn't have to be sports at all. That's why I like it's just like people have opinions and they feel like no, fuck you.

I know what I'm talking about. All right. Let's bet on it. You're wrong. You wear a bikini on the podcast next week. I'm wrong. I'll grow a fucking mustache for a month. Whatever is.

So you want to like the triply thing. Spitting my mouth. Yeah. Something. I mean that maybe not get that filthy. but yeah sort of like they're fucking crazy yeah those guys

yeah those as he is and shit well you know Ari and I got a long standing one it's it's almost a year old now when the whole Louis thing happened I told Ari that I'm like that's it it's gonna be a while before we see him again this is October of 17

last year and he goes uh he'll be on stage by the end of the year I go are you out of your fucking mind you think he's gonna go on stage I go what comedy club's putting him on stage I go forget if you want I understand

I would have no problem with him going on stage, but what if the waitresses walk out? What if there's a protest out in front of the fucking thing? This is right when it happened. No, I go, I understand. He should be allowed to. No, fine. I go, he'll be on stage.

We'll bet on when he's going to be on stage. So it ends up being by the end of this year, if he doesn't step on stage, we did the bag of bets on the podcast. So we reach in and the thing we pulled out was we, the loser has to act in the three-page gay porno. that the winner writes. And there could be no fucking,

but it's gonna be pretty, you know, terrible. And Neil Brennan's gonna direct it. And then we're gonna put it up on. So you got four months for him not to get on stage. Four months, Joe. You've been going to the comedy cell. No, no, no, he's been going, but he has not gotten on stage.

He has to stay, not get on stage, December 31st, 2018. And then that's gonna be terrible. I already have three different, ideas for the three-page arc I want already go through on the porno. But none of you is nervous he's going to get on stage? What? Are you nervous that he's going to get on stage?

Well, you know, you see articles like, like Adam eBay sends me an article like because he's my ears on the ground. I go, if Becky starts telling you like start clearing, I go, you got to let me know first because I got to start preparing myself mentally. But so I have ears on the ground, but so does Ari. No one's more embedded than the New York comedy. see then are so he'll know first but as far as LA's concerned and then I have like people talking to me like uh fit Simmons is like well I think he he's gonna start in Australia does it count if I go yeah

stage but he's like I think over there he'll start there because it's a little bit looser you know his reputation perhaps over there as might be a little bit better so there's a whole like where is it going to start so let me ask you a question yeah how would you have handled the louis thing I think guess what I would have got on stage the next night well I would have got on stage the next night well I would got on stage the next night. All I can say is I was not in the same situation. I was in something somewhat. It took me a month.

I'll tell you something. But I mean... The first time you get on the fucking stage and face the horse is when you're done. Yeah. You have to face the horse. Now, my whole beef with this whole Me Too thing, this whole thing that how we'll wrap this up is when I went to court, I got accused, I got evidence pointed against me and the evidence went against me.

In today's world, you could do. just say something and we're done and I don't like that I do not like that power that see the first time somebody has said something I'm got I got a blog up I got a thousand things coming up I wouldn't just hide I would say yeah this is what I did but it was also 10 years ago does it fucking matter now if you don't think I changed in the last 10 years then you don't know then you didn't change we've all fucking changed in the last 20 10 years you change course so for you to hold somebody accountable like that to end this career. It's not fair. It's not fair to a man.

Especially after this fucking Arhinto thing. This is what I'm talking about. A couple months ago, they accused the nerdist. You ever been around a nerdist? Yeah. Does he look like he's a fucking animal to you? No. And I know that girl. I know her well. I know did Spider-Man too with that girl. Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. She was on the podcast. I know when she was 14 years old. And when I read that thing, I didn't read that. You know why? Because hell has no scorn. Like an angry fucking woman, okay? And there's a lot of people that are walking around mad this fucking town. There's a lot of people who are happy because they depended on their talent. I had a big problem with it. They depended on their talent.

Yep. If you depend on your talent, then you don't have to do those creepy things. I've done a thousand creepy things in my fucking time. But let me tell you something, when it comes to stand-up comedy, the reason why Rogan talks me is because I don't fuck around. This is what we do. There's no shortcuts. There's no, well, he said this. There's never been that in my world.

I know that the answer is getting on stage and working and writing. That's it. Anything else is background music. Well, if you go there and hang out there, if you go there, if you make out with this broad, I never believed that. I never believed that. I never bought none of those stories. And that's the fucking problem.

That a lot of people come here and mistake that shit for work. And then guess what? You come and go. Yeah. You come and go. And you have to put yourself through that aggravation to do. what sleep with some guy suck some bad balls

I know I look at my balls at night and I go can you imagine making some 25 year old girl suck these rotten fucking nuts to get in the movie like after I read about Harvey like I look at my dick it looks like a fucking science project like you look at my dick it's got scars

and holes in it from shit I used to put drugs in my dick that come back clean and shit and adreno on my dick it looks like a oh my god I got rashes from fucking jujitsu and shit down there. Can you imagine putting your nut in somebody's mouth

and you acting in a movie and like an assing, walking around like you got, you know what I'm saying? I know. And all those people who suck the dick, they're not around anymore. I guarantee you, they're not around. Yeah. They're not around. It's such a talent is talent, man.

And it stands on its own. It really does. Yeah. And all the fucking short cutters, they're gone. All the shortcuts are gone. I tell Lee all the time, I've seen people come and go. I remember going to diners with these people and having a three-hour ear-beat on their plans on how they were going to be comedies, comics, and they just fall apart. And none of them were to be funny.

It was always like, I'll talk to this person. Yeah, yeah, I'll talk to this person. I'm going to do this. I'm going to read this book. I'm going to go to this club. I'm going to go to this premiere. Listen, funny is funny, and you got to work on it. With that, it's always a pleasure to have you on.

I love you, what's name of your podcast? Hear me this book. Hear me this book. Don't forget. He's back on it. You're back on it. Back on it now. Every week, no problems. Remember, Thursday sold out and fucking tomorrow sold out in Huntsville. Saturday sold out. All you got tickets up is for Friday night in Nashville.

So I'll see you motherfuckers this week in Nashville. Where are you at next? La Jolla comedy store last weekend in September. Oh shit. Oh shit. Head into La Jolla. Oh, shit. Then up to Edmonton the first weekend of October. I'm doing La Jolla in December. Oh, you are? I love that. I do it once a year now. It's so much fun. No, you know what? Why not? We're with the comedy. Guys, why fuck around. I love it. Thank you for listening, guys. Don't forget, the church is brought to you by 4hims.com, a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men.

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That's it, and that's that. I love you, motherfuckers. Stay black. Have a great weekend. We'll be back Monday morning, ready of fucking rock. Kick this fucking Mulee. At the d'i-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-to-da-da-ta-da-ta-da. At the dine, I am waiting at the counter for the man to pour the copy,

and he feels it only halfway. And before I even argue, he is looking at the window at somebody coming in. It's always nice to see you, says the man behind the counter, To the woman who has come in, she is shaking her umbrella. And I look the other way as they are kissing their hellos, and I'm pretending not to see them, and instead I pour the milk. The paper, there's a story of an actor who had died while he was drinking.

It was no one I had heard of. And I'm turning to the horoscope, and looking for the funnies. When I'm feeling so I know she does not really see me Because she sees her own reflection Notice that she's reaching up from listening to the bells of the cathedral of your void