The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #612 - Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: August 27, 2018

Eleanor Kerrigan, comedian and co-host of the "The Comedy Store Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.   Onnit.com - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 08/27/2018.
  

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Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church. And get 10% off. Kick this motherfucker mulee. What? Monday, August 27th. It's a vacation week for something. This is when I'm getting warmed up, baby.

What do you think you're fucking with, Joy Bananas? Smoking my reefer, washing my muffler, and trying to get my day started. Grab your dick, cock suck, and it's Monday. You got a long week, motherfucker. Forget the vacation. I don't give a fuck of my potato salad.

It's what you're going to do today, cocksuckers. I got Eleanor Carrigan, the Irish woman. I got my man, the original Christ killer. This motherfucker is not fucking around today. Smoking sativas and blowing smoke out of his nose. You know what I'm saying? The man behind the counter to the woman who has come in,

she is shaking her umbrella. And I look the other way as they are kissing their hellos and don't pretending. Here we go. Here we go. Shake it. Get up.

Get up. Shake that ass. Whoa. Here. Put it right there for Uncle Joey. Put it right there. Let me snip it one time. What's up, you bad motherfuckers?

Uncle Joey here. For starters, I want to thank you if he came out to either Huntsville, Alabama, on Thursday night, or his Anees in Nashville. You audiences were fucking sensational. I want to give a shout out to the staff, my man in the kitchen, my bartenders, all the sex. waitresses and waiters. I love you, motherfuckers. I had a great time there. And I'm coming

back Nashville. And I want to thank Hardy Bees for sending us fucking chicken and Lee's chicken from fucking myelin to fucking tremendous. Black people with no gloves on giving you fried chicken takes me back. You understand me to my days in Harlem in fucking early 70s. Anyway,

that's all over. What's happening? I don't know. Hi, Hawaii. This is so exciting. What a motivational Monday. My goodness. It's what it's all about, dog. If you ain't a wake on Monday, you ain't shit. I don't even need my anal beads today. We can just do it.

No, no, let me tell you. When I get up Monday, and it's like 20 to 6. In the morning? Oh, yeah. Monday, I live to get up at 6, 20 to 6. Wow. Coffee, a few fucking tutsuruts. And get on that fucking computer, let people know it's Monday.

You got to go out and choke that motherfucker today if you want your money. Yeah. Because people walk around a little fucking det tuts. You know, they walk around a little laws. You got to remind them that this ain't a fucking pinball game. This is life, motherfucker, you know? Feels like a pinball. Listen, I don't give a fuck if you're doing drugs, if you're eating opiates, whatever.

You got to get up on Monday and hustle. That's right. As long as you make a deal with yourself, listen, I'm going to work 40, but I'm going to eat 55 pills. I'm good. I'm going to work 40, but I'm going to eat 55 pills. You know what I'm saying? If I can have some pills, that'd be great. Share some pills.

There's nothing like waking up on a Monday. There's nothing going on. But guess what? Yeah, it's true. There's never nothing going on unless you create something on Monday. Excuse me. We were talking about the you saw the Leonard Skinner documentary. First of all, I couldn't believe you saw it and know what made you.

What made you watch that? I'm just randomly. First of all, I love documentaries, but randomly that one was on and I was like, oh, I've been wanting to see this because I've been seeing the promo for it on Showtime. Didn't show. No shit about it. I didn't know anything about it. Oh, but I watched like the affair. What's the shows I went?

Like, shameless. I'm dying up here. It's done. But like, the affair's still going. So I've been seeing the commercial. I'm like, oh, I love Leonard's Skinner. And then it was on. I was like, I caught it right at the time.

beginning i was so happy it was like one morning i got up at seven i must have been channeling you i never get up that early and i botched it monday mornings i believe that whatever you do any other day of the week mondays the day i never get up early don't it's the tone for the whole week that's why i'm so against sunday night shows like for years i was always against sunday night shows on the road i fought hard as a feature act not to work them because i feel that mondays the day of the spirit it's a day that you're home i think it was sunday you're like kand-a-oh lose you're fucking thinking of people who died and how they're not around but you're still

still are on Monday not Sunday I get up every morning and think of somebody who's dead and go what the fuck what would he give today to get up and go to the gym? You know what I'm saying like what would he give today? Like I'm thinking of going to the gym but not really my name you know what? Fuck that you need that motherfucker was here he'd be at the fucking gym right now because that's how he would change life

so I draw on that shit especially on Mondays for the rest of the week That's amazing. But when you watch that documentary, like I've been preaching Leonard Skinner. It's something about the Oakland show. When I watch, like I watch, I have the Atlantic City shows on tape. I've watched tons of their performances online. Okay. And when you watch the, when I watched the Leonard Skinner live from Oakland,

the first time I watched, it destroyed my insides. Wow. Shut it down and think about what I was doing. wrong with my comedy. This is maybe two or three or four years ago. I discovered that like in a stone stupor where you just keep hitting and hitting. Yeah, yeah. You're in a rabbit hole. Whatever. And it just took me away and I played it again and I couldn't believe it. And I didn't say nothing to nobody for a long time. And I was starting jujitsu and I was going through this thing comparing jujitsu to anything that's an art. It's all really the same. Whether you paint, whether you

get on the subway and draw at one hand. You have to, you know what I'm saying? Like those guys that are going on to the subway and they pay with one hand, the train is moving. It takes a special skill to do that, you know? But that just doesn't happen overnight. You have to find it. You have to get the strength to pull yourself, because I can't even pull myself up.

Never mind go for two miles drawing on one fucking arm. Like, I went to see Mission Impossible. You know, that's a mission right there, holding on to a rope. The bomb was supposed to go off for 15 minutes, two hours I sat there before the bomb went off. I never wanted to kick myself more in the head. How long this 15 minutes take? Tom Cruise can make 15 minutes turn into a fucking hour. I'm sitting there going, Jesus Christ,

and then a rock slips, then a fucking thing, and then the hand, then the glove falls off. It was craziness. But anyway. I would say spoiler alert, but I don't know what happened. I don't give a fuck about spoiler alert. I don't give a fuck about spoiler alert. You know, I'm just mission impossible.

Go fuck yourself. That's it. It's that simple. If I went, you should have gone. I went to sit an equalizer, too. And it was men's a moll. Yeah, it was men's a motor. I'm still in love with Man on Fire.

Man on Fire was great. I can't take anything else he does. Equalize is the first one I like, but I just see him so, I related so much to Man on Fire. Yeah. That it's too much. It's like Charles Bronson, the mechanic. When I saw Charles Bronson the mechanic, I related to that dude. Okay.

That's what I wanted to be. My mother died. When I first saw that, I was a kid, but I always remembered that how he killed people for a living. That's an interesting fucking kind. said he killed people for a living he got their dossier and their medical records yeah and he just shot people for a living I never thought about it again till you know 10 years later when my mother died maybe I should rent myself as a hip man because I got no emotions you know right but then when I watched death wish okay you know like death wish when I you think about death wish you're like

the rape scene and death wish oh yeah God I forgot about that like as a kid Like, that gave me PTSD. Like, that taught me what the sexual harassment was. Like, that's, that, as a kid, 10 years, that movie came out in 72. And you saw it when you were, like, nine. Like, in the movie, did. And 40 seconds, we didn't check IDs. That's true.

If you could breathe into a glass. If you had the money, just slipped in the hole. Yeah. They let you in. And then the Union City Cinema, they let you in. So all those movies, I saw those movies, and I went left there. I'm like, what the fuck? Charles Bronson, that rape scene, even today,

bothers the fuck out of me. You know who's in that rape scene? I think the first, yeah, go boom. Jeff? Really? Yeah, it's my old acting coach. Yeah, one of the rapists. See, you're lucky he didn't rape you in the end.

Did he see that? Yeah, well, he wasn't into me. He was sleeping with my other scene partners. Oh, yeah, he fucks everybody. His acting class was a suck of dick class. That guy was, he was teaching women how to act like him and Harvey. That's what Harvey was doing. Harvey's learning how to suck a dick class.

Him on the first floor. And Eric Goldblum on that. And the other guy, the junkie from taxi. Oh, uh. He had a fucking acting school, too. Oh, you're kidding. He was, he was, at the end, he did anything. I mean, that's all they do.

Every time we do a scene, he'd go, why isn't this rehearsed? I'm like, because you took her to Hawaii, jerk off? How am I supposed to rehearse it when you took my scene partner away? Like, he, they did it every time. Are you all right? I'm just, I can't imagine. I'm trying to imagine Harvey's dick sucking class. And Jeff Goldblum's.

So they were going to learn a scene. We're going to a scene study from Last Tangle in Paris, and I'm going to play Marlon Branden. You're going to suck my dick. And do they like, does this? Go. Because I've heard like a couple years ago, this is not sexual, but I heard a casting agent for a major show was running a casting seminar that you had to go to get on the show. So but are people just like having sex with their acting coaches to try to get somewhere or they just can talk to me to anything? Everybody's having sex with everybody to get somewhere.

Somewhere. Yeah. You want to move up somehow, whatever way you can. When I went to acting class, me and Illinois were into acting classes. I loved acting classes. Illinois used to go to the one on Santa Monica where you stand out, fountain where you stand outside like a Mama Luca de A with 50 other kids. You used to see me out there?

I would beat the horn. Go fuck yourself. Don't stand out there in the street. That's Brian Reese. The great Brian Reese. He's still there? Yes, he is. But he don't make him strand on the street no more.

Yeah, they have to go outside to rehearse their scene. And then you come back in and you do it. It's a cold reading technique. He's great. I remember it was great and everything, but I'm not standing on the street. I'm not a fucking moot. Cars are doing 90. I'm out here with some chick that's dumb as fuck.

And you're rehearsing or talking to yourself. Yeah, you're out there. Fuck that shit. Roodle. So that was your first one. No. Who was your first? With Jeff Goldblum and Robert Carnegie.

Now, what was the one that you signed up for where you couldn't audition for three years? D.W. Brown and Joanne Barron's studios. I bet you want to go out of them today. But I never listened. They told you you couldn't take off. the Rams were in the Super Bowl. I don't know. I'm listening to nothing they say.

Like, they, now, there were also a front for cosmetology, right, Scientology. Joanne Barron did like a little cosmology. I hope so.

She didn't invite me that piece of shit. Oh, no, something over there was kind of science. I'm not putting down Scientologists. Me, Freddie. Sherry Shepherd. We were all in Bob Oshack. We were all in those classes.

That's nice. Nobody ever offered us anything. So my first acting class was Frank Magna. Okay. Frank Magna was. if you bring his name up to Dice Dice will look at you like weird Frank Magna

is one of those Italians that you can't mention Andrew Dice Clay around He loses his mind Like in a good way or a bad way Frank Magnet was like a writer And he wrote something for Andrew And Andrew clipped it I don't know what the story is

I don't know the guy was furious When I went in there He's like well we'll make Because I had to like call him In those days you had to call him Okay And then I remember that I first went The first place I walked into was on Sierra Bonita.

It was a little fucking dingy place small in this. You went in there and the guy made you buy the book audition. Oh, yeah. I still have that. I still have that book audition. Sometimes I reread it. And you had to go home and read it and then call him. I'm paying $275, eight weeks and shit.

And there was easy monthly payments. And I'm like, fuck you. And then Frank Magna, where's where toy is? Yeah, toy tie. If you go to toy, walk to the corner, you know, you got the guitar sitting on that side. You look up and two doors there, it's still there. Okay. I don't think his wife passed.

But like when I was in business. I think he's still in business. Maybe I'll have dice come by with me one time. One day I went in there. See if he still has a good. In those days, you had to meet with them and they would interview you and shit. Like they were legit. Like they were legitimately trying to steal your money and they would ask you, what is your purpose of this mission?

And you would say, I want to be an actor and I'm a stand. up and I never think when I said stand up he looked at me and he goes okay I'll give you a shot but the first time you mess up you're out of here you go standups are a little aloof I'm not really a fan of stand-up becoming actors uh Robin Williams kind of pulled up uh whatever but he still doesn't like stand-up and acting he goes I try to work with you you know what we we had it going on it was good but the only problem was it was Mondays from seven you can't do Mondays The spiritual day. No, Mondays was the hottest night in LA.

The 97. Oh, yeah. It was Latino Night Factory sold out. Headlined by Pablo and fucking Porvajie and those guys. Freaky Monday at the improv, which was huge. Who did Freaky Monday? I remember that name, but I wasn't doing stand-up then. Freaky Monday was like fucking, it wasn't as big as a black show as they had at the comedy store at the time with the Tories.

And it wasn't $4.50. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This room was packed. Fat Tuesday. Fat Tuesday was the store. But Monday, if you could get on at the improv, you walked out of there with a card. Because from 8 to 820, it was Josh Wolf. We knew the Booker, so we got in early.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like Josh Wolf, me, somebody else in the store, and then David Tell, Pablo, somebody big that was white would come in and destroy the room. And then a black guy will come up. And then they would take over the room. It was booked by Gersh at the time. Oh. Gersh ran it, but not really.

That's the improv with all industry, man. Industry at that time. So if you walked in there on a Monday, you better bring your A game. You would walk out of there with something. And the same across talent at the laugh factory. It was Latino night, 400 deep. Yeah. People hanging off the sides.

Carlos M. Cia was going. The place would blow up. Oh, boy. Yeah, it was just, it was crazy. a different day and then you went to the comedy store was an open mic yeah so if you do a triple crown on the Monday kill it was like getting your dick sucked by a guy with ice cubes in his mouth you know what I'm saying like that's what that's what it was like Lee you're remembering that or I really took that I just don't want to hear

the story behind that but it's funny because Alonall was sitting behind the sidelines watching all this yeah I was waiting tables back then this is what's interesting that you're watching the you know like I was talking about James Stevens the third one day. Paul Mooney used to call him. James Stevens the third. Oh, yeah. And I was telling the story that when he would get standing ovation.

But James was terrific. James was terrific. He was up because he was talented. And as a stand-up, as a school from a traditional stand-up, you hate that shit. Yeah. Okay, you hate props. You hate all that shit. Like, I'm from traditional stand-up.

Right. Like, I don't want to see a prop. I don't want to see a drinking your hand on stage. I don't like nothing. I want you to do straight-up fucking comedy. So I remember I was like, this is what the frustrations you go through as a comic, like people that sing on stage.

I hate it. It's a lot now. And it kills. And it kills. Lee, on the road. Why don't people like it so much? In Tulsa, Oklahoma, if a guy goes up there and sing songs, it will kill.

I don't listen. Whatever makes them laugh and whatever makes them feel good, now at this point I understand, James Stevens III would go up there to a little, bit of comedy play the organ and then go into song his voice was brilliant yeah he said he did great song were the comedic songs um not not really but he would get a standing ovation then i remember eddie went up there when the edie griffin he's let's keep it go for james stevens the terror they always did it i don't know if he's he noticed it just ain't the singing store it's the

motherfucking comedy star people hated it but he did he hated it there was a lot and then you had he hithy people still hate it but he was brilliant props and he did a whole shebang behind him i'm lying to you because i'm telling you because i appreciate the art he's hight was a comic that had this big brilliant that at the end it wings would get attached to his back the gospel singers with gospel singers and black people singing and clapping and there was 20 people behind them clapping it was all faces it was great it was great it was great mitsy had a great eye for that type of bizarre and they were just you went down there if you had to follow him you go oh

He was brilliant. Done. You're done. As he's cleaning the stage and you're walking out and he's still pulling his props behind the curtain, you're like, come on, buddy. Let me try to, let me get this going. You're done. These are all the experiences, but you saw all this, Eleanor. I know it.

I used to help Heath pull his fucking props in because it was so many. Harry Basil, too. They would fucking run around and flip around on stage. That's right. I brought him down to Bray. Rusty Doley. I brought him down the brayer and he did. Harry or?

I was like that's 20 years too late, what's the guy who does the watermelon? Gallagher? Did he ever go to the store and do that? Yeah, he did. I still have my poncho because when I first started, he was doing a show in the main room or something. And unfortunately, it didn't draw a lot,

but they gave us ponchos to wait tables. And I was like, what about the drinks? They're going to be like pieces of watermelon and whatever else he's smashing in the drinks. And they're like, no, don't worry about it. Just wear your ponchos. So I still have my Gallagher poncho and it has his name all over it like amazing Jonathan is great. Oh yeah the fucking guy that with the with the puppet both of them

Oh well both of them both of them I'm a big fan the one guy who hates that guy with the puppet if I'm doing because he makes 82 million dollars a wait wait there's one that just not Jeff Dunham Andrew doesn't know him there's another one in Vegas that got a deal from America's got talent I think I can't think of his name it every time we all we all Billboards are everywhere. We also knew the other guy that had the puppet. Willie Tyler and Les. No, no, he had a dick.

And people would do lines of coke off the puppet's dick and shit like that. Otto and George. Otto and George. And I have nothing against this guy, but have you seen the one from America's Got Town? He wears like a dragon suit and he has a little chihuahua. And I see him on Comedy Club calendars. Like when I go to look. If he sells tickets, man, they're going to take him.

They sell tickets. It's a business. And some comedians get pissed. Some comedians like, oh, Well, you lose a gig. You know what I'm saying? You lose a gig to that. Yeah, you're like, I'm not going to that club if they support.

Like, I never forget when the first reality shows was marrying a millionaire, the guy that one was a comic. But he was out of the game already. He lived in Portland. And his closing joke, he would light his pants on fire. And he would say, is it me or is it hot in here or something? Shut up. I swear to God, he would light his pants on fire and say, is it me or is it hot in here? There's something crazy.

Sometimes his jeans will turn off. Sometimes they wouldn't. I can't. So when he went on America is whatever, this is 98. Or Star Search, maybe. It was probably Star Search or something. No, no, no, no. It wasn't a star.

This was a marriage show. Then they found out he really wasn't a millionaire. He was a liar. He was a realtor that didn't really. Because he was a realtor. I remember that show. It was a bunch of girls who thought he was in a million. Like, do you want to date a millionaire?

Yes. Yes. That's terrible. And he went on the road but started selling out. So the imprives were booking them on Wednesdays and Thursdays. So he became a millionaire. They took a fucking Thursday from Shimel. Joe Millionaire.

Joe Millionaire. Oh my God. They took it from Shimmel. That's disrespect. They took like three Thursdays from Shimil. Oh, that's severe disrespect. So it's my first time working with Shimwell. I'm in Miami.

I'm opening up for this month. One of the greatest. I'm opening up for this go gooots on a Thursday night. He lights his pants on fire. People are cheering with a bunch of hot women. Bunch of hot women. I'm dying. the dead, I'd slow death of

dicks. Okay. Because they're there to see him because he's not a bad looking 45 year old. And the next thing, you know, I fucking I get up the next morning and I go to the improv and the management is livid. I go, what's going on there? Like, fucking Robert Chimel, he canceled VFX 10 minutes ago. Oh, yeah, facts.

Robert Chimel said, if you want to fuck with my money, I'll fuck with your money. And he canceled. God rest of the soul. Oh, he's brilliantly funny. It's so weird when you decide to stand up for yourself when you're a comedian. Yeah, you have to a lot. I started standing up for myself like in 99. It was when I started standing up for myself and going, wait a second.

I'm like this gna. Yeah. This got to change a little bit. Like you've got to give me an extra 50 bugs or whatever, you know. Yeah. And it's really weird when you watch that documentary we were talking about last night, how when it's going to kept evolving, but they kept growing, and the music writing kept getting better. But then they did something. And this is what defines you as a fucking artist.

They went to the Edinburgh Music Festival and they were slated to open up for the stone. Right. Which that's how the word became worldwide. They didn't get the memo. Like I said, they had that hot, hot box where they would rehearse that. And if you see them in 80s and 77 in Oakland, they're playing like they're in that box. In that box. But they don't, like, they don't see the 18,000 people. Yeah, it's a giant. They're just, and that's what this art is about. Yeah.

To do a show, to put 100% in whether you do a show for eight people. That's right. Or 18, and then when you see that video, we'll play it after the show, you watch it, you go, wow, I get what they were now. And I didn't know about that red hot house. I didn't know about that red hot house or whatever they called this small house. Like when they did Sweet Home Alabama, he said, I came in. one morning and the one guy a little late and I started playing opposite him and but the thing that

defined him was when they went to Edinburgh or Edinburgh or whatever the fuck the music festival I know nobody knows how to say it they don't even say it right and they came out and the rule was not to walk on the tongue yeah it was a tongue for the rolling stones that was the rule not to go out on the tongue and he didn't give a fuck he took the guitar play and walked on the tongue and they said Mc Jagger was very, very angry. Right there. They blew the roof all that place, even though it wasn't a roof. And the stones had nowhere to go.

If you watched that performance, you're like, the stones, pour their seed. They were up there smoking cigarettes and he had a bow on. Because they knew it. They had just seen something that was real. Like those people were like, they closed with one for the Freebird. And it was, when you close with Freebird, it's very tough to follow that. Fuck. That's like Joe Rogan's

Anna Nicole Smith bit. Oh my God, remember that? You were done. You were done. Don't even just do your best. I love how he said Freebird builds from like an eight-minute song.

Sometimes it would be a 15, 15, 20 minutes. I'm like, holy shit, but that's like building a bit, the same thing. But talking about that hot box thing, like, I learned that from Dice. He taught me like, whether you're in front of 20,000 people or eight people, always give them the show like you're in front of, you know, 20,000 people, no matter what. I'm not in the original room. Well, the late nights at the store.

The late nights at the original room. When you have 16 people in your life. That's what it was. I do not believe that I was doing stand-up around town for 40 people a night. Now I'm a regular at the store and I'm actually going up at 10 fucking 2 for 8 people. That's what I did last night. Where is my life going to? It's 10 to 2 and there's 8 people and I'm going up on stage.

And you have a choice to make. Yeah. You can go up there with your stupid fucking. material that everybody's heard all night long yeah or just talk to them and seek and feel them yep that's exactly right you seek a diamond the diamond shows out i never forget going up there one night this is 99 i was up there fucking coked up one night oh shit i took some chick to the back after i do my sets i get fucked up at the store oh i thought you meant before no no no no i thought you while you were on stage.

I was going to say that's extremely impressive. I would always have it in my pocket. Got it. As I walked off that stage, that was a great set to great. I would go right to that bathroom. Bob, Bob, bam.

And then I go see the Korean guy that his teeth would come out of his mouth. Oh, you mean? No. Tuck. I give him a couple of lines of coke. And his teeth would get stuck. His false teeth would...

Hey, Jodias. What the fucking? Jodias. That cocaine is good. I cannot feel nothing. I would give him a couple lines of coke. And that means I drank for food. the whole night. And I would start doing, oh my God.

I love that. Oh, yeah. And I'd give him another line of Coke, and I'd be doing double Jacks with Coke, smoking fucking cigarettes. Are you kidding me or what? That's what the store is about, Jack. The best. Huck was the man. Yeah, I, those late nights, I just last night, I went on, and I was beat to shit because it just came back from Oklahoma. I had done a podcast, and I had another set, like a little shitty bar, whatever. But then I went to the store. And my friends are like, oh, you got two more than you. I'm like, all right, whatever. And they're like, you're going to stay?

I'm like, yeah, I'm going to stay. I'm not going to leave. They booked me. So I waited and I'm telling you, it was, I would say 18 people, phenomenal. Phenomenal. And there was people from Norway, England. Like, there was this girl from Norway so funny. She came up to me and she was like, you're all so funny.

I didn't know they had black people in Norway. Oh, no, I used to love people. Dude, beautiful black girl. just don't want to go home. Yeah. That they stay at the Hyatt, so they don't want to go home until two. I'm never to figure one night.

I went and I went, where you're from Denmark? I did a book report on you. I fucking died. Like, shit like that comes out of you. They love it. They love it. Canada.

We had everybody. I was coked up. I took a girl to the back room. And I said, this is where the bathroom is. And she goes, where's that Atlanta Coke? I gave her a lot of coat. And then I walked outside. Something happened that I walked outside.

She's like, where are you going? And she stripped naked and got on that little Houdini couch and the matth. main room bathroom The best. The best. This little couch back there. That's old school.

They put that in there for women to rest. She started playing with a pussy in there, right? And I mean, shit was coming out of it. You know, like when they're playing real hard with it, and you see like a pinata. She had like a bush of hair. I'm not going to forget that I sniffed half of it. Like I gave a little sniff or something that I just wiped off in her face and I walked

into her limo. She had like a, she was part of like a girl's night out, like a, they were getting married on Saturday. That's amazing. It was amazing. But my point in the story that I went home and I'm like, that chick had the ugliest pussy in the world. And the next night, I went on stage and there had to be eight people.

And I really wanted to try this joke, but that pussy was so ugly. I had to talk about it. And I'm like that pussy was so ugly. It looked like Eddie Munster's teddy bear, Wolfie. I'll never forget that. And Wolfie really looked like Joey, the dog guy. Oh my God. Oh, my God.

Shit like that was what came out of you at 1245. Yeah. You're like, ah, I don't know that bad. That joke I wrote. Yeah. Fuck that shit. There's nine people. This is real.

They're not going to go for that joke. And I'm just going to get my feelings hurt. No matter how bad you're, oh, I got this joke. It's going to kill. You try that motherfucker at 9 o'clock. At 2 o'clock, it's going to die. Forget that new material. Start talking to them from the heart.

They're fucked up at two. How long did it take you guys to figure that out, though? Years. A long time. Years. Years. That you're not going anywhere. So can you read an audience now?

You know, like a... I think I can. Look, in Jiu-Jitsu, they give you a black belt. And for every year, you're a black belt. Every three years, they give you a red stripe. And I always tell people, honest, honest, honest to God, I'm not as good as my technique is. But I know the comedy game so well now, 27 years.

You know, I started watching Dice. I rented the halfway house room. When I was in the halfway house, I had two rooms. At two rooms that were for rent for New Year's. And nobody was, I don't know, I'm going to have a big party. You couldn't drink. You couldn't do nothing. Yeah.

So I said, fuck it. Let me rent it. I got Dice Clay's tape. I was not doing stand-up then. And I put the tape in the New Year's and me. I catered it. I got some Chinese food and a pizza. And that's what we did on New Year's.

We couldn't go out. I watched Andrew Dice Clay. But before I got on stage, I watched hours of stand-up. Like once I watched the movie with Tom, what's his name, Tom Hanks? Okay, yeah. Punch. Punch line. Yeah.

Like, that was it. That was it. My whole mind was dominated by stand-up. I watched as much stand-up, and I knew who I liked and who I didn't like and what styles you like. That's what, before you get on stage, that's what you did. Yeah. You did.

You hung out for a little while. You watched these comics, and you're like, I like Thompson girl, but then you see him. Like, there was a lot of times you tell me. You went to see a comic, and you went to see him one time he was really good, but the next three times he sucked a bag of dicks. That's live performing them. I started learning from Lee telling me little things. from a fan perspective.

The same way you did. We were talking, whatever. So now when you get on stage, it's a lot easier. That's what I didn't have. Yeah. Like, we have to really acknowledge how lucky we are as comics because you had a family when you jumped in. I didn't have a comic family.

Yeah, I always tell people that. You do. You were a comedy family. Definitely fortunate. Once I got to the store is where I started picking up my comedy family. I mean, I picked a few guys. guys up along the road like Jerry Roker, who I'm going to have on a few weeks. Isn't he terrific?

He's terrific, but I wanted to tell his, I think that the Rogan explosion and the comedy explosion is making a lot of young comics very confused. It's making young comics not see the work. When we were kids, when we were kids and your mom, the teacher used to go, I want to see the work. I want to see 55, 28 times 18. Come on. Yeah.

If you just gave her a number, that means you didn't do the worst. That's right. You want to see the one over the one, the two over the two. Yeah. I don't think that people really understand the cultures of this business. Like you've been doing it how long for now? A little over 11 years. Okay, and you were a student of the game for how long?

12. Okay, so that means obviously 23 of, but you've been around it. Yeah. You know the ins and out. You saw pitfalls. Plus, you saw people come. and people go, you saw stars get made

and stars dissipate. But I saw you guys put the work in. I saw you put the work and I saw Joe Rogan put the work in. Like people, somebody wrote them, I think, oh, Sherry Shepard's a comic now? I'm like, no, no. Sherry Shepard's been a comic for a long time.

Like, she was there when I first started at the comedy store. She was one of the hot comics at the store, putting the work in. And then she got on the view and got into all that. and maybe the stand-up subsided for a minute, but she never stopped, like, doing it.

Now she's doing it, and somebody was like, oh, really? Now Sherry Shepherd's a comic? I'm like, no, she put the work in. She was banging out up there when there were savages up there. Yeah. Because Sherry Shepherd's got big breasts. Yes, she does. Those comments were going crazy.

Oh, yeah. But she was always a Christian, you know, and she was like, I always loved it all by heart. Kim Tavares, all those girls. But those, you know, Rita Jones, they used to kill. Rita Jones is still doing shows. You know, it takes a lot.

People have no idea how hard it is just to be a comedian. Never mind a woman comic. And again, I'm not being gender biased or whatever. It's tough. There's a lot of obstacles. The road has to be the roughest thing for a woman unless you're self-confident. Yeah. It's really hard the road for a woman.

I can see how hard it. this for a guy. I can see how hard this for a guy with a family. But for a woman, you know, I'm just, you know, and nobody, Ali Wong had a bit about it. Yeah. She doesn't particularly like going on the wrong. You know, she gets picked up at a hotel by somebody she doesn't know and taken back by somebody she doesn't know. And now she's in a hotel room. Yeah, yeah. By yourself, and the whole town knows you're in that hotel room. And, you know. I thought of that this weekend. You know, I'm half a gangster myself because I'm always looking for a fight. But in my head, I couldn't. We were at a little shitty hotel that I booked because Andrew let me do the road managing, which he'll probably never let me do again. Anyway, I booked this shitty hotel and I couldn't figure out how to turn the lights on. So I made the guy at the front desk in the middle of nowhere, Fort Smith, Arkansas, come up in the room and show me. And I was like, oh yeah, this is probably how it happens. And then I thought, I'm looking around for weapons now. Like, why? I put that, I made this guy come in my room. Andrew's three doors down.

you know he's not paying attention he doesn't know what the fuck could happen but then when he left i was like then we get to the venue and you're talking about women on the road they were like i they go who's the opening act i am they go no no seriously and i'm like what i'm like no i am they go oh we thought you were andrew's girlfriend i'm like no that was 15 years ago but right now i'm going to do some jokes and they're like okay do you do you need anything i'm like what do I need no I'm a comic I'll do it I'm good and then afterwards the guy was like suck in my dick like oh my God and expect that and I'm like really like why would you demean someone just because she's whatever like he was like oh I didn't think you could

speak like what year is it for you I really give I really give Andrew props on his treatment of you like I remember amazing I still remember him hitting on you oh my god running from him and then you see you get into a car like you were on the fence for a while should I suck his dick should I suck his dick you're on the fence if I was in his car I was pleading going please don't

please stop hitting on me it was hysterical and then you started dating him and he'll wear you down bro just ladies if you're listening he will get it if he wants it and uh that's who he is and it's funny that he stayed your friend yeah he's my best

and he helps me with everything and he's guided you and that's what makes us better comics when I see the Theo Vons and I see the fucking I saw him four years ago I've been back at the store four years Mercy's five Mercy's five so I'm back there five years or something like that

In 2014 Four years and I had to get re-evalier You know I still remember Ari being a fucking phone guy Oh yeah Him and Duncan running around and arguing with each other And now they're these fucking superstars Don't you love seeing that, though? Fucking love it.

How can you not love it? How can you not love it? And then when Dice was going through that divorce, which I didn't believe, which is why I wouldn't accept it when he hit on me. I was like, I know your wife, go back to your wife, stop messing around. This is not you. You're not this person. Whatever. He was really going through a divorce and I didn't believe it.

And he would come to the store and he would film us. Do you remember that? Like he was making a reality show. And so Ari was the star of it. Steve Ren is easy. Simone, Mike Black, me, Katie, Seaberry. Like, Ari's was the best. Like, Ari would, he would make him skateboard or throw him down a flight of steps,

fall off his skateboard, beat him up, have his kids beat him up. It was constant. He's going to start putting those tapes out on YouTube because they're old school. He was trying to sell them, but it never sold. It wound up being our reality show was Dice Undisputa on VH1. But all those tapes, he changed all the lighting. in the comedy store because he was that crazy from going through a divorce that he was like fuck it i'm just gonna buy speakers he bought the system he bought the system he bought the system after he had a fight

with polly one time i don't know steve simone ever tells you this story but we were having a meeting as staff me simone i think simone was the manager back then he was begging to get out of it and polly's leading the meeting and he's yelling at us and then dice comes in they get into a huge fight huge fight screaming at each other and then he walked walks out and this fucking Sam Kinnison look alike walks in the back of the room. Steve and I, both of us nearly just passed out like, what the fuck just happened? Did they wake up Sam Kinnison right now? Like it was the weirdest thing.

And he was like, hey, Pauly, I'm just coming in and say hi, the Sam Kinnison look alike. And we were like, what the fuck is happening? But that's the day Andrew put the speaker system in was when he had the fight with Polly. In the original room or in the main? In the original room. Yeah. And Rogan did something in the original room. Because those speakers, I think, blew the ones Andrew bought.

But Andrew took the old ones that had been there for 20 some years, 25 years or something like that. He took them and he has them in his house. But they still worked. They just weren't good enough. So he bought him and then Rogan bought him. Eddie Griffin used to do benefits so we could have a roof. That was another thing. Every time Eddie would do the main room, he's like, is this for the roof or can I keep the check?

What the fuck? You know, it was a sin. Yeah, because they kept putting shit on the roof And the place with the leak You'd walk into the comedy store They were fucking tie Those orange Oh orange shit orange cones

You gotta walk around If I was a real draw I would have slipped And it's kind of deal with in those days I never thought about it There was always every time of rain bro And she was too cheap On my customers tables

She was too cheap to put a roof on it So like a real roof She would send the little Mexican kid up there Juan Carlos with a scapull and that fucking stuff that you just put on there. Fix a flat or some shit. Hysterical. I went up there one down.

I'm like, no, they need it. Because I know about roots. There's no way. You can feel it caving. Yeah, it was caving in. Like Juan Carlos, what did you use? This is a trampoline? Did they finally put a new roof on there?

I don't think so. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, they had to because if not, it would have been done by now. Mitzi always made Juan Carlos do it. And he would come to her and he goes, oh, the problem is Miss Mitzie. I'm not in electrician, you know,

and he'd be like covered because he got burnt. Trying to fucking electric. Trying to put electric. They used to send me. I used to have to go because I took Oshack's job. Oh, as a runner? It was Oshack.

It was Freddie's job. Freddy gave it to Oshack. Then Bob Oshack offered it to me. And it was two days a week. I think like Monday and Fridays. And I would have to get her a tongue sandwich from that fucking sandwich. Or Greenblatt. Greenblatt.

Greenblats. She was a greenblatt for. Or would have to go to Hamburger Hamlet and bring her food. I would have to go to the bank. Chin chin. Chin, and I would have to go to the hardware store. Yeah.

The one that they charge you $94 for a screw. Ace, the one on Santa Monica. Santa Monica and the Gayboard. Yes. It's not ace is the chain. Shit. And the aisles are real narrow. It's a family one.

Probably not anymore. Now it's going to. No, it's still there. And the aisles are real narrow. Real fucking small. And they got everything you need. Go get this and this and this. Anything you need.

For one, Carlos. So how is a runner. I'll never forget one Friday I went Do you ever send you to air one Go to air one Give me some peanuts Oh man No I never went to air one

I went to I remember one day I went And they gave me 100 over on the deposit Thank God I counted it And I fucking took the yardstick And then they called me a day later Was that deposit 100 over Hey whatever you gave me I gave to the teller So they were calling the teller up

The tell him I had already snor It was already long gone You know what I'm saying made a mistake here. I ain't no fucking angel, but I ain't no Tommy, you know what I? I ain't no sticky finger Tommy. But if you put a yardstick over, I got

to take it. You always got to double check, because I wouldn't want them to say we gave you nine. And it was eight, so Joey stole it. So right in front of you, I counted. I counted it twice in front of the manager. This dumb fuck, put an extra yardstick in there. All right, thank you. A day later, he's like, man, I know. And then I got

blamed for the cigarettes. Her cigarettes? They used to, they used to buy cigarettes and put him in the front bar. Oh. So I used to date Carol at the time. When I first moved to town, I dated Carol. Yeah. And Carol was just a dirty whore.

But Carol would just wear cleavings and the tits would be out. She had long hair. Yeah, really pretty girl. Yeah. But Carol was just a, if you didn't know Carol, like, when I first saw Carol, I know she was a dirty haul. Like, I was talking to her. And right away, she went right forward.

She's like, I don't know what to do tonight. Like, when I met her in Michigan, this is the conversation. How are you doing? And I really like comedians. I saw this comedian in Jamaica, and I really liked them. And now I come to comedy shows more often. And she's like, I can't go home tonight because my boyfriend's going to beat me or something like that. So I said, you can stay in my room.

She's like, okay. It was that easy. When you do that, you're just to fucking filthy end. And I sold her on the double bed. I go, there's two beds. But by the end of the night, I jump over here with pop. I'm lonely. Did you have double beds?

Yeah, there was two beds a day. Okay. This is an old, like, this club had class. They put you in like something sweets. Embassy sweets. Like before that, this was Cresswood sweets or something. And there was two rooms in the bed. And I started messing around with the first night.

Nothing really bad happened. The next day she wanted to arrive for the Kalamazoo. I go, that's going to cost you. You got to drop your pants and dry fucking. So I drove her with her fucking panties on the whole way. Kate Quigley. Where do you come up on this? What is they?

And like every eight miles, I make a play with a pussy. Play with your pussy a little bit for Uncle Joey. She would just beat that little battle. She'd have those little dirty feet hanging out of the fucking passenger window. Oh, that's gross. Hilarious, hilarious. But I loved her. I loved her.

She was good. I found love with her. Who would play with that pussy in the car while you're smoking reef? That's true. That's a good friend. She was a keeper. That's a good girl. So we moved out here and she would go to the store.

You moved together on her? Yeah, we moved from. Oh, okay. I met her in Michigan. I met her in Michigan. She came out to Boulder a week later. Okay. I mean, me and her and her.

brother went camping and I was stabbing her in the tent right next to her brother. She's yelling and screaming, the poor brother sleeping by himself. She was an animal. She had no fucking class. Who fucks with that brother next to you in the tent? I'm over there sticking it to her and fingering her putting fingers in her ass. Yeah,

she's going, huh, huh, and I'm like, your brother's next door. She's like, you don't even give a fuck. What type of family? He's a heavy sleeper. Yeah, what type of family do you have? I was going to finger, maybe like a blowjob, but real quiet, maybe jerk off into a belly button, something like nice and easy but no

she wanted to fucking do it and I'm like your brother's right next door I don't give a fuck and as soon as I just put that cute I'm like shut the fuck up your brother's next door she didn't give a fuck that's when you know you're an animal when you fuck next to your brother I know a lot of girls that did that to my brothers while I was asleep right there

they would just have sex right there in front of me I'd be asleep on my mom like on the couch or something my brothers would have a girl on the floor and then I'd see her outside of Dunkin' Donuts and I'm like I know you if I give leave to If I give Lee 2,000 edibles and he passes, I'll give you a stabbing on the couch.

All right, Lee. That's how to do it. Can we keep the cameras on? Can we just do a thousand edibles? How funny is that if you actually wake somebody up and go, you were so passed out, then I fuck somebody in front of you. You're like, how come that never happens when I'm awake? I guarantee I could get that fucked up on edibles. You're halfway there.

No, I'm really not that. Trust me. You look Asian. Your eyes aren't even open. Well, that just kind of happens. I gave him the fucking batch of debt. Urban trees over on fucking Ventura Boulevard. He's got this shit called fucking Kill Yourself Slowly.

It's like 26%. It's the Bordane fucking blend. You know what I'm saying? This reefer is deadly. If you want to kill the goat, go over the urban trees, tell him Uncle Joey sent you. Tell him to give you the same thing Joey got. It's like glue, mendo, Sino, something.

Do you say it was like a super glue? Like a super glue? Yeah, you said it tastes like super glue. Yeah, that's what we sprinkled in it afterwards. You shot some heroin in there and you should get them all going. Let me ask you a question. Yes. Is part of the toughness you acquired for comedy growing up with fucking 10 brothers and sisters

in the two-bedroom in Philadelphia? Definitely. You got to sleep on a couch here in this hotel room. Is that right? You're like, I've lived in a corner of a roaches crawling out of me. I got a couch tonight? That's a fucking, that's a fucking. Wait, all the cushions are on the couch?

Yeah, that's an upgrade. That's a fucking upgrade. There's no stains. There's no semen stains on the bottom. What was the worst condo you stay that? The worst condo. The one, La Jolla was up there, but the one at Tempe Improv was pretty nasty, too. It was roaches everywhere.

Really? Yeah, it was pretty nasty at the end. It was a single. It was a single up the corner. That was pretty nasty. I think it just over the years got, I remember being panicked. Like, fuck, there's roaches in here because, you know, growing up, my mom was like, if you see roaches, you know, you gotta let me know, because they spread, they drop eggs and

whatever, like dirt roaches, the anxiety that my mom gave me grown up with dirt roaches, there was a lot in that condo. I was afraid to shower. It was a lot, it was everywhere. It was bad. That condo was pretty nasty, but that was about 10 years ago, well, almost 11 years ago, because Dan Murr had me come and host for Dave Attell. And I was like, yeah, I'll do it. And I had a day job at the time. And I told the guy, oh, man, I got terrible stomach flu. And I drove up to Phoenix to do or Tempe to do the hosting for Dave.

And then when I'm sitting in the green room, Atel comes in and he's like, what are you doing here? Because he knew me from the comedy store, waiting tables and Mitzi's assistant, whatever. But he goes, do you work here now? And I was like, no, I'm doing stand-up. He's like, get the fuck out of. And then I got to host for him. And then I was such a big fan of Attell.

I was giving him giant intro. And he's like, hey, you got to knock. I can't follow the intro. You got to calm down. All right, all right. So I'll just give like two things you've done. Because I was given like he had a great set in 98 store. You know what I mean?

Like my memory was just jogged with like every great thing. Oh, he was having. Phenomenal sets at the store in 98. Fucking love him. He would crush. Doug, I worked with him so much when I was a feature, and he would tell me what you're doing is good, because when I was this level, I was stuck in New York.

Yeah. And then he was drinking. But he was still positive in comedy. Like, dude, keep doing that or whatever. No, he was always, always very positive and always told you to do what you do. I don't give a fuck if you curse. Yeah.

At that time, I was working a lot on the road, and I had a problem once a month. Yeah. Once a month. Like people, a comic complaining. Yeah. What's the Bob and Ron show? Nobody cried. Bob and Tom?

Bob and Tom, nobody cried more than those guys. Oh, yeah. When I was work in front of them, nobody canceled me more than those guys. Back in the day. Isn't that awful? 98, 99, when they were all big shots. Yeah. Bob and Tom dudes, 99, 2000, 2001.

I still remember the longest yard. They wouldn't put me on. Wow. Because it's like the dude from Omnipop that left Omnipop years ago. They both hated me because they were booking features as headliners in B rooms. Yeah. And I was at the store. Yeah.

Following Mooney every night. I would go into a room. Following killers. Yeah. I would go into those rooms on the road and fucking level them. I still remember being in Michigan, in Grand Rapids, Michigan. And when I got off, the guy came up for me. He's like, how you doing?

My name is John Yota. That was spectacular. He goes, it was funny because the first. featured. The headliner was at the bar, drinking. And he goes, I went and got the headline and go, do you know what you have to follow? Like at that time, 99? Are you paying attention? Because at that time, I was already a regular. I'd showcase for Misty. And what had happened was I went into the store. I went into the improv on a freaking Monday. And I thought I was hot shit. I really, really honest to God, I'll tell everybody, I thought I was hot shit. I was doing comedy eight and a half years. I was rolling in two

rooms I had a Taco Bell commercial and I had a pilot okay I had made a little money but I was still a fucking junkie the only guy that didn't like me was Jamie Massada but Mitz he liked me and Richard Cooper who is the booker at the he was a fucking boot to do so the first time he saw me doing cocaine jokes he came right down and he's like do calling for spots so I was a regular at the improv and at the store within a month when I got here that's amazing so with the same six months, you know what I'm saying? Like it takes you about nine months. The feathers are full.

Yeah, it takes you about nine months to get the rhythm at the store. You bomb a lot at the beginning. You really start like, wait a second. Mitsy passed me, but now I'm eating dicks. I just came from a restaurant. I leveled. And at the store, so now you have to learn how to work the store. Yeah. It takes you about nine months to adjust the followings, the bumps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It takes you nine months for your ego to check.

Yeah. And then your ego could go one way or your ego could go the other way. My ego decided to go to one way. Okay. And I got a, and I got a spot a Freaky Monday, somewhere where I shouldn't have been. Okay. And at that time, I would stay at the store and snort Coke till two. And I would just park the car and wait until four.

And then I would drive to Ivar. And there was a company on Ivar between Hollywood Boulevard and Franklin, whatever that street is, that sold screws, nuts, and bolts on the phone. Oh, that's what you would do. I would have to be there at four to call the contractors. Coons. Coons hardware. The Coons, no, no, but this Coons Hardware was on San Monica.

This was a different company. I know, but it just came in there. I did that for a while. And then that guy, I used to send my avails through there. That's when everything was the fax. And everybody wanted your avails. Yeah. So I would send out 20 avails Monday, 20 Avails Tuesday,

a different club. They knew me or not. My name is Joey Diaz. I'm a semi-page, I'm a regular at the store. I've been in the pilot, Bronx County on CBS, and I also got the Taco Bell commercial dog.

I'd love to play your club as a feature act. Perfect. Contacted me, and I'd give my page a number, and I'd write my calendar out. I put the calendar out for the year, the whole year, and I'd just make updates, which is bad in hindsight,

because in those days, they couldn't really go to a website and see if you were at that club. Right. So I would make sure that that guy didn't know that guy. I would pray to God that you don't know Eleanor. Yeah. And I would go on feature for Eleanor.

And I would tell you that. You follow me? Or I would call you and go, hey, man, I'm going to do Eleanor's room in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Do you when if I stop in Istammin and do a guest set? Do yours. Yeah. I was hustling. That's how you hustle aboard. But that's the grind.

Yeah, I get paid 75 from you. I take that 75 and I stay an extra. extra night yeah and I go do a guest out of the club now you got you booked a club and you booked another club where were you working at Europe I was the Toledo funny boom what did you do the MC I'm gonna feature you bam just because you stayed an extra night and drove three hours it's really weird how the system worked but I would sell those screws and then one of the guys quit and he took me with him to sell investments in Chewy's building oh holly boulevard and vine there was that building

there up on the 11th floor right by the newsstand these five fucking idiots had like this cartoon they were trying to sell but they were already selling the guitar for the cartoon player it was just too much and they were trying to get those investments where if you lose your money you lose it oh okay what's it called there's a certain name for that people actually leave money out to lose money it's a write-off but they were looking for $50,000 so it's a oh yeah each call was $50,000 but they paid me 15 an hour so I didn't give a fuck if I sold one they gave me 20% which you never would have no The eight weeks I was dead sold.

So you were cold calling an investment in a TV show? Yeah, for a TV network pilot to get investors for this movie. That's a fucked-up phone. Oh, yeah. And the guy that ran the office was on Knott's Landing. He was like a regular on Nuts Landing. It was canceled like 10 years at this point. That's amazing.

But it's so weird. Like, this is what I did. I had a day job and at night I did spots. And then I had a day job and not had the spots. Same. We all did that. It's so weird. We all worked the store at one point.

Because you never really make money in the beginning. Like you're saying that's $75, but then you had to spend that $75 to stay the extra-9. It was $36 in a hotel. So you go home with a nickel and you're like, I'll fucking flip out. But it doesn't matter because I got a week of work from him and a week of work from him. So I made an investment in myself. That's what this whole thing when you're an artist is all about investments. Absolutely.

It's investing in yourself and how much you want to invest into something. If you invest 50% or something, you're going to get 50% payback, even less. Yeah. 40%. If you invest 110%, you'll get back to 10%. If you really invest in the right different opportunities. What's Tony better that, cuck's sucker? Oh, shit.

We're already at Tony? Oh, yeah. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody. twice as smart as I'm a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. Who to learn? I want to take this chance really fast to just say I'm really proud of Dean Del Rey. Hopefully this podcast will come out by the time this show comes on.

you guys could go back and watch it. Dean Del Rey, that's done this podcast 20 times with me, is on Conan O'Brien tonight. Yeah. He sent the tape in, and they fucking did it, you know, and he really wanted the Tonight Show, but he sent the tape in, and there's a guy that you see. It's like before we started the podcast,

I was talking about the next lineup of stars. Like, now that I've been here a long time, I could see it. I can see the people who put the work in and see it, so I see you up there. Theo is a different kind. comic and he was two years ago he started sell tickets you know fucking uh who else are we talking about

who's right there sam trippily his knocking on the door he's gonna end up getting something quirky on some network about fucking Puerto Rican bro how about when the drummer Jesus Trejo yeah Jesus Trejo I think I never laughed so hard watching that

documentary last night when the drummer said he hit he did a hit a hit acid and he was sitting next to the guitar player and all the So the monkey came, roller skating in, and sat next to him. And the monkey grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels and started drinking the Jack Daniels. And the guy's like, here I am, tripping my ass off on acid going, I got a hold on here. I'm sitting with a monkey who just roller skated in here.

And he's drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels. Unbelievable. Listen, that shit only happens when you do the acid. The universe throws you something for the commitment to take a fucking chance. Yeah, we're doing acid this week. We're going to deep. Where are you going to do acid? I'll do acid with you.

I've never done acid. We do it here. I've never smoked weed. We're going to do it here. You're going to do it. Oh, you don't go out of this place. We'll stay here and then I'll take them out. Sometimes Ariel put people in the wilderness and shit.

Yeah. That's what he wants to do to me and Simone. That's what Lee needs. Lee needs a good trip by himself to really become. Come on, Lee. I'll do it with you. Did you see what they were doing? Me, you and Simone.

Tell Lee how they were writing music in the house. They were wake up at 7th. At 7th. in the morning and one of them will go out to the fucking field and they would tip over cow patties and get to the psilocybin mushrooms and then fucking bring them into the house and cook make a tea and he goes that they would start drinking the tea and from time to time they would start tripping and shit like that and that's how they wrote all they mean lee i'm telling you you got to keep it to the next level if you're going to be a comic you got to remove the safety net it's over yeah

i've done it before you're not lees sciat you're not lees iat the human being no more you'll lee siat the comedian now that's how you really have to look at it's true you know you gave up a lot you could have said you know what i'm quitting the store i'm gonna marry the first guy that comes along right have a kid to spit this out how old were you when you decided to get in the comedy uh 34 yeah like me 20 38 yeah way too fucking late way too fucking late so you have all this you have all this catching up to do look at dean yeah dean too dean started late hustling but it's it's a matter of hustle it's a matter of You know, when he told me he was giving up his apartment to live like I know, Matt, he sold everything he owned. Yeah.

That's what you got to do. Yeah. That's what the universe wants to doing that. I'm just because I just want out. I just want to work. I just move on the road. There comes a point where you're like, you know what, I'm not stopping. Yeah.

I don't have no kids. I have no boyfriend. Yeah. I might as well get on, you know, put the money in the bank and go on the road and keep doing this. And then come here for little batches, three, four weeks just to keep alive. Yeah. Get an Airbnb. Yeah.

Who gives a fuck? People rent out of Airbnb's now for three weeks of fucking time. Yeah. Yeah, it's a different world out there, you know. But look at Dean. I mean, I'm just... He's been in New York. He's just traveling going everywhere.

Jumping on the road with people. It's the best. You know, he called me last week and he goes, listen, I can't do Boston with you. I feel really bad unless you can let me do it. I go, listen, I can't hire somebody for one night. Oh, yeah. I have to bring somebody for two nights.

So I go, do the forum with Bill. Yeah. That's amazing. You have my blessing. Are you kidding me? I mean, you're doing the LA form. You know, he's just, and he's, like right now, he's soaking it up. Like, this is called soaking it up.

He might go to the form and eat a bag of dicks. It doesn't matter. He's going to be stronger than that. Let's say he goes out and destroys. He's going to keep getting stronger. And that's the momentum. And that's what I think that, I think the podcast has let people forget that. Yeah.

You know, people go, oh, my God, I didn't know you went Spider-Man for. Yeah. And that was 2003. I know it. One line. I auditioned for that. I was wrestler. So that was 14 fucking years ago.

How about you calling Sharipa to tell them that me and Dom Herrera are going to audition for the Sopranos and I get fired? Because Sharma went to the producers. I never wanted to tell you that. I never wanted to tell you that. Who called Sharper? Wait, say it again. Tell me what happened.

I'm doing Spider-Man 2. Okay. I got 14 days on Spider-Man 2. I don't know nothing. When they hired me, they go you got one day, July 31st, 2003. I got a call in June to go into wardrobe. Okay. And when I said, okay, see July 3 first.

We'll see you next week. Okay. And I went in there and they kept going, you're not shooting today. Come back tomorrow. You're not shooting today. Come back tomorrow. You know what? Come back next Tuesday.

Oh, you're not shooting today. And then the guy would say you're too big. So in one of those days, I got a call from Georgianne walking. And she goes, Joey, you got a spot in the Supranos. Big pussy's going to give you five. It's two to four episodes, depending on how. much they like you. Okay. Go put it on tape and send it to me.

So I said, do me a favor, Georgian. My wife is at work, and I'm at Sony. Can you fax it to the economy store? I called the store. I got permission. They said, fax it over. I got the line. And the guy goes, he'll leave it downstairs from me.

I think it was Duncan, who was a town coordinator. Okay. It was 2000, maybe two or three. Okay. Next thing you know, I go to the fucking store, and I see you and you go, I don't know if you know this, your sides are inside.

For the soprano, I'm so excited. You and Dom are auditioning. And I go, I don't remember this. Yeah, and I go, okay,

the next thing I go home, I take the sides, I put the sides on tape. It's like a Wednesday. I guess that day, by mistake, you didn't know. You called Sharipa

just to give my heads up that me and Dom were auditioning. He was already on. He was already on. He was already on, whatever, Baclaw. Yeah.

Okay. And Sheripper went to the producers because Sharra didn't like me. Why? Because in 97, see, when 97, Joe started taking me on the road. And then they took me to Vegas, and Sharpa said, when I left, Sherrippa said I made a bunch. For Sharpa didn't like me from the beginning. Okay.

Like, I called Joe, and Joe goes, you want to open for me in the dirty show? I go, yeah. He gave me a direct line to call Sharpa. Bro, I called Steve. Steve, how are you doing? Now I know a lot of his friends. Yeah. That I said to me, do you know Shrippa?

He's going to love you. Yeah. So when I called Shripp, I'm like, how you doing, man? Nice to meet you. He's like, who's this? I go Joey Dears. I was told to call you. He goes, let's cut the shit.

It's 200. It was like 200 for two shows. Yeah, he could be pretty direct. I'm like, in vain, it's 200 for two shows. There's no fucking airfare, and we give you a card for the employee cafeteria. I get off the phone when I'm Rogan calls. He's like, what did you say to that guy? He's really pissed off.

So we check into fucking Vegas and the VIP and he calls Rogan again and says, you know, told that dude to come to my office. I go downstairs and they're like, just being weird to me. He gives me like the card and he gives me employed dining. And then midnight comes and we go upstairs and the place is sold out and Playboy's there. Playboy's going to do a show about a dirty show at night with comics. They're looking at different comics. Late night, right.

So I walk in, and you know, listen, this is just to let people know what it feels like, you know, and I know Lee feels this at times when I walk in somewhere with Lee, they don't even look at Lee. Like, so I walked in with Rogan, right. And the guy took Rogan, and he goes, come here, I want to introduce you to the Playboy people. And there I am standing like a MOOC with fucking ate the Hiv. Oh, that's so mean. I felt like a guy with the HIV. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I'm just standing there. So I went and got a table and sat got like a soda and he came over and like, you can't sit there, you know, and it was just one of those things. So he had a like just... But guess what? I fucking went up there and from the anger and from how you treated me. I fucking destroyed that room for 15 minutes.

I mean, I'm surprised the roof didn't fly off it. Like I said, I was a comedy store guy. I got the hang of it and I knew what I was doing and Rogan went up there and Rogan lost him at like the eight minute mark. Somebody yelled where's Phil Hartman? Oh, it's fucked up. And that was the beginning of the end. But the

thing was the next day I got to call on the hotel room Danny Robinson he's not even my agent okay and he goes dog the playboy people going back to see you tonight oh that's great so shrippa kind of got pissed off you follow me it was like the weirdest thing it was the weirdest thing and like I always tell people because I know he could be a hard ass yeah he was always good to me not everybody's not everybody's not everybody's not everybody yeah and sometimes it happens to you and you go you know what that guy's in the powerful position and him and Dom were real tight yeah I'm not but at the time Dom didn't like me he didn't like you yeah me and Dom weren't long either okay you know so at the time like I was hanging out with Rogan and

Rogan was to explain to these guys he's a cool guy but every time I get off the stage Dom would always go it's nice to see that you're writing again and turn his face on me well that's fucked up yeah I mean I was getting tortured these days yeah you know what I didn't give a fuck and then I was going to the Italian auditions now they started hate me oh yeah i'm never forget going to they get mad at that shit like even with andrew they're like you know he's a jew you all right he says it on stage you idiot what was the guy that used to hang up there that had muscles and he started he was a karate guy and he used to take your

finger vittie oh yeah checherey like i'm never forget going in for women versus men and they're all there the whole guido crew is there so vester ston's brother frank oh yeah they're all there And I walk in as I'm signing my name, they're all like, oh, here comes to Cuban kids. Let's all go home. Here comes to fake Italian. And I would sit there and take the abuse. And I would go, you know what? I'm going to book this motherfucker now out of respect.

And I'll never forget that Vinny was analyzed this. He's the guy that they all threw out the window. Yes. So he's sitting there going, I got this with Chaz. Like, I don't even know why you guys are here. Because I'm friends with Chaz. Oh, that's funny. And I went in there and just nuts.

them off their chair and the next day when they called me i'm like i wonder who's the other italian guy because there was two of us that yeah i don't know me and some other guy throw a guy into the ocean that was it that was the scene get get out of the car we take him out of the trunk yeah vaguely remember that yes yes and i got that and they were fucking furious oh well see everybody's so sensitive about that shit like i i don't get bad if somebody gets booked as an irish person you don't know I know the story about the fucking, when I got the longest yard, how many Italians? No. One main one wrote in or I thought you after the show.

Oh my God. I just got hit up from one of his buddies. He wants to be on my podcast. Of course. If I wanted to be on his. Yeah. I cornered him once and I said to him, I saw the letter you wrote Adam Salon. What a piece of shit.

He started stuttering and shit. And I wasn't even violent. I just go, I know I'm not mad at you, but Jesus Christ, really. You should be ashamed of yourself. I've never told nobody. just to let you know he was pale because that's the way people are in this town they're very but I would go to those auditions and look at their glares and all that shit and it would make me want to go in there knock them out of the fucking like really oh now watch my motherfuckin smoke well you kill it ain't I'm

I'm I feel terrible if I called shrippa and blew that for you because you would have been perfect on the sopranos I've been rewatching the sopranos right now like while fall asleep I'm like I put the soprano's on that's my shit it's the brother remember when when uh phil comes in to get the car fixed and pussy's brother comes out wiping his eyes and he's like I wasn't around when your brother all that stuff happened with your brother what happened

he goes it's a long story we don't like to talk about it so I still remember those lines it's a long story we don't want to talk about it and sure it's not even in that scene like it was so funny because you know what time Georgine called me to fire me at 2.20 in the morning Los Angeles time

why she called she called me at 530 in the morning new york new york time wow go that you violate the breach of confidentiality agreement i never knew i had a breach confidentiality agreement she goes once you audition in those days they were really tough on you like you had to go like sopranos was real deep yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so they were decoded so you couldn't steal the sheets yeah a lot of people but to talk about an audition that that that's that's that's weird yeah like you can't it's it's it's Sometimes it's very, there's places where you go in

and you better check what you write, sign. Yeah. Because like now, today when you book something, they give you an extra sheet that you have to sign. And they don't want you fucking run on Twitter. If you book it, I get it.

Yeah. But if you're just going in to read for it, that's a whole other, that doesn't make sense. Oh, no, no. If you go to Nickelodeon now, you got to do a background check. And they hired me.

So the background system ain't that fucking good. You know what I'm saying? It's very light. It only goes back six months. I got three episodes. Oh, good. I'll clean up some shit. I'm going to forget signing the background search release and just going, what am I going to do?

Like, what do I do? Do I go home? And I go, no, I'm going to go in there and fuck their world up. Yeah. And I went in there and fuck their world up. And I go, I'm not going to get it because the computer's going to come back kidnapping and drugs or shit. And the next day, I told the director, I go, can I talk to him for you? You know how bad in my record.

You molest kids? No, you're good. That's true. That was it. They just wanted no molestation, no fucking sexual shit. And you're good. Any sex stuff. I got no sex stuff on my creepy fucking record.

I got a couple thefts, a couple fucking robberies and kidnapped. No big deal. A couple possessions, which aren't really mine. I never got caught. In fact, there's one day. Possessions that you were charged for? Yeah, I got, there's an arrest that I was doing time in Colorado. There's an arrest I got in Fort Lee, New Jersey.

That was in Colorado doing time. Yeah. I just haven't bothered to take it off because what's the use? What's it going to do? What's it going to make me a better individual If I take off a fucking Coke possession I don't give a fuck At least, you know

And they ask me all the time Gives your character Oh yeah That that fucking thing is dominant Possession of stolen tools Possession of Stools to fucking rob things Yeah, I love it

Larsonie, I got charged with larceny a couple times That's tremendous I don't even know what it means I just like it You know what I'm saying You got a court You got charged with larceny

I like it I like it I like it I'm exotic It's funny, I don't know, because right now you're in this weird cuss. And everybody who is about to hit it always gets into a weird cuss. And you accept it. Like what I was doing.

Like there was weeks, I was headlining for nice money. And then a week later, I'd be fucking MC for Joe Rogan. That's how you do it, man. Because in the back of my mind, I know I'm just getting better. And I'm getting exposed. A feature for Dice last weekend. I'll go home to Philly to, you know, I'm going home for a little bit for taking a couple days off, go get some water ice at Italiano's like a person

and then I'll go and headline the parks casino out there and you're there when? September 5th and I'm there September 14th Oh you're doing the big room though I'm doing the big room I'm doing downstairs You gotta start somewhere Hey man I love it

I least your headlining in your backyard That's right How'd they get to you before helium? Well I do helium But I feature it helium With you I've done it with Dom I've done it With a bunch of people But they never booked me

again like they changed hands or something I don't know the girl that used to book it she moved on to somewhere else because I headlined the Asheville comedy festival uh last two years ago and that a different girl that I met from helium came so I was like oh and I gave her all my info and they never they never reached out I've reached out they've never responded I'm like you're on that cuss that's it that's okay yeah you pick a momentum you know I was like I said I was really proud of you when I saw you on the Marin podcast oh that was great. Look at my girl. Yeah, he was fun. That was fun. And we, because he's on glow, so we talked a lot of wrestling shit,

you know, and I introduced him to my guy because the guy who does wow, or did wow, whatever, he still doesn't, I shouldn't say did it. The guy who does well, he started glow, but he sold the rights. So he's not affiliated with that show, it's just kind of a...

Remember we went to see you wrestle? Yes, at the forum. At the forum? I played the forum, Dean Delray. You're going to kill it, brother. And then we went to see you. What else did I go see? We used to go watch Shui perform. Chewy was the best. At the House of Blues.

I remember I was only at the four. Rogan was talking about a few weeks ago on the podcast going, you just thought he could park cars until you saw him play the fucking gets out. Hey, Chuwe. Hey, Chewitt. What's going on? Hey, Chuwe. Fucking tremendous.

He killed it. But yeah, the wrestling. So now I do commentary for Wow, Women of Wrestling. And at the Belasco, they do live shows. They're going to do a live one the 10th and 11th of October. And I'll be doing. Commentary on the side. Look at you,

hitting it from all over. That's what you're supposed to do. Yeah, that's where we're at, man. I'm happy you came on today. Thank you so much for having, man. I'm happy you took the time to come on and talk some shit. It's a vacation week, but I don't give a fuck week. I go to Philly tomorrow.

I'm good today. Yeah, tomorrow morning. And what do you do when you get to Philly? What's the first thing? The first thing I do, I go to my mom's. My little sister will pick me up at the airport. I go to my moms. I'll go get a hoagie or something.

Probably just get lunch meat, bring it home. Then we go to Italiano's get water ice. Then I start to, you know, bloat, get sick a little bit. Then I come down, just hang out my family. Because nobody left. My mom's still in the same row home we grew up in. My brothers are up the street around the corner. Eadie's around the corner.

We might go to Ohio to see my nephew. We'll see what happens. Good for you. I'm very, very proud of you. I need more material, so I got to hang out with my crazy-ass family. They're out of their minds. This week, I'm taking the week off. Just all right.

I never take a week off, but I'm taking a week off. I will. Because I really want to go on to me. I'm going to take at least five days. I really want to get on the store and go to Sam's room and the whole thing. But you know what? I've got to force myself to do this to really be in love with. I got two weeks.

Next week, next week, the last house on Saturday. That's great. I'll warm me up Philly. Oh, yeah. I'm excited for you in Philly. I'm going to tell everybody.

In the 15th, I'm at the 930 club in D.C. So it's perfect. Like, I just take this week off right. I need one more something to get that set really going. It's going to be killer. Nice. Who's opening, Simone? In Philly.

I have. have Matt Fultron. Oh, I love Matt Fultron. We work together at governors. He worked with me. Matt's like, you know, he lives in New York. He's terrific. He's great to be around. I got nervous. He asked, could he feature for me because I was headlining at governors and I'm like

Fulton's great. And he was. He was great. But it was a fun like hard follow. You know what I mean? Like I was like, okay, he killed and this is great. But we worked together. It was great. I love that Fultron. It's amazing. When I shot that Netflix thing, like that wasn't even me.

What do you mean? Of what I'm doing on the road now. Like, I'm really happy that I didn't crack a couple months ago. I'm really happy that sometimes you go through phases. Yep. In all levels. At the 20-year mark, at the 4-year mark, at the 2-year mark. It's a roller coaster.

It's a roller coaster. I had to call Theo yesterday when I arrived. Mm-hmm. You know, and just to see, because Theo is always taking care of himself in weird ways. Mm-hmm. I want to call Theo and see if. if I need to do the same thing or whatever. Yeah.

Because it gets too real sometimes. Yeah, you gotta tame it down. And I know for you sometimes, you've been there where one week you're at a fucking bar in La Jolla. And the next week you're at a fucking tremendous club with Andrew. Yeah. And you have to like catch, you know, pinch your finger. Yeah.

And kiss yourself and say yourself, am I really fucking hear with this guy or what? So yeah, go out and see Eleanor September 5th at Park Casino. What time is the show? Philly 8 o'clock. Oh shit. my Philly girl. I'll be there. All right.

And then I'll be there a week later at the Parks Casino on a fucking Friday night, the 14th. And then Saturday, September 15th, I'm at the nine motherfucking 30 club. And that's it. And that's that. Before you leave, I just want to tell you one thing. It's football season. And everybody's looking to make a little money. And Uncle Joey's going to help you make a little money.

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Eleanor, I love you. I hope you do great in Philadelphia. Thank you for sticking with it. Thank you for being an animal. Thank you for believing in yourself. I didn't teach you dick. Yeah, I watched you. You did all yourself and shit.

That egg roll taught me everything. I need to know. This egg grow is a motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Cuban eggro is a savage. He's got a bite out of it. You got to do something. I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday morning, ready to rock.

TikTok. We got a couple fucking periscopes. I'll keep your fucking post. I love you guys. Have a great fucking Monday. Have a great week. We'll check in with you again. Stay black.

Kick that fucking mulee.