The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #614 - Joey Diaz' first 10 years in comedy - Part 1 (1989-1994)

Episode Date: September 3, 2018

Joey Diaz takes us through the most important moments in the first 10 years of his comedy career. The story begins in 1989: Joey was fresh out of prison and living in a halfway house. From there he takes us on a journey through both the good and bad choices that he made, and how they impacted his life.  This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.   Onnit.com - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 09/02/2018.


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Kick this fucking meal, Lee. Fucking Labor Day, cock suckers. It's here. Uncle Uncle Joey takes a day off, never. With savages, isn't we pick it up? The fourth quarter. It's over. First you got Rosh Hashanah, then you got trick-or-treaters, then you're eating turkey with a bunch of fucking mutts, and next thing you know, you're exchanging gifts and shit. And then you're making resolutions you're never going to fucking do. That changes today. It's the church of what's happening now.

The Flying Jew, aka Christk. A.K. Christ killer. Uncle Joey. Here you go. What are you fucking nuts? Break out the heroin. Where's that cheap? Julie. You haven't. Generals gathered in their masses just like witches at black masses. Jessica, it's a holiday, don't mean.

You got the day off, cock suckers. You're in the game. Put the uniform on. It's over. Sorcerer of death's construction. In the fields of bodies burning as the war machine Keeps turning.

Death and hatred to mankind. Raising their brainwashed my eyes. Brainwashed, you cock suckers. Here we go. Kick it. Way to kick off Labor Day. It's the jam of my fucking soul. There you go.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Uncle Joey here Monday morning, ready to rock and row. Happy Labor Day to you motherfuckers. I hope you had a great weekend. The whole fucking deal. You had your potato salad, the whole thing.

But now it's time to get back and roll up the sleeves. It's the last fucking chapter of the year. You got to go to work now, cock suck. There's no fucking around. How was your weekend league? Oh, it was great. Tremendous. You're looking good as usual.

Try. You got the Kid Rock shirt on your fucking smoking. Anyway. Shug Night shirt. Shug Night shirt. Kid Rock. Who the fuck knows? Who gives a fuck?

Anyway, something happened last week that stared people up online, you know? I didn't give a fuck about it I could give a fuck less but people asked me so I had to tell him and that was that Lewis C.K. got back on stage. You know, like the people went nuts

it was too soon. It wasn't too soon. You know, first of all, you know what a second chance is? A second chance is your move. It's basically your move. A second chance when somebody gives you a second chance

and society gives you a second chance when the universe gives you a second chance it's basically your fucking move so you decide when you're ready to save face or whatever the fuck it is that you're trying to do but it's so weird that we're living in this world

that you are guilty by internet now like you're guilty just by going on the internet now we never had this before like somebody accuses you or something you look bad and then two weeks later she's getting accused of rape in somebody. Like, it's so fucking weird. But in the case of Louis, I'm a stand up. You know, we all make mistakes, whatever the fuck it is. You know, I know that it's not like he took

somebody and killed somebody's dog. It's not like he, you know, raped a woman. It's nothing like that. He took his dick out. He jerked off, whatever. The two were in the room. I don't know. I don't know the whole story. I didn't even fucking know most of it, you know. But the whole thing is when, Pete, when it's too soon for a second chance? Would you go see Louis? Would you pay to go see Louie I don't fucking know me I don't know but if he pops in what do I do slam my beard down and walk the fuck out of there like an asshole that I am at least I give somebody a benefit of that but this is the first time in my 55 years that I've seen people there's people that are out of work that are going to be done because of

accusations done done whether the accusation really is factual or it's not or you took it one way or because there's two sides story then there's the truth if you know anything about life that's what life is there's two sides every story then there's the fucking truth well how how is this different in your mind from like the michael vick thing a few years ago because there were people protesting him even years later when he was on like his third or fourth team forgiveness is when somebody steps out listen when something happens you go inside your house and you fucking think about what happened in you, you go to therapy or whatever the fuck you do to make you self feel better. And at one point, you can't stay in your house anymore.

You have to come out. You can't stay in this mental prison, sort of speaking. There's two types of prisons. There's the prisons where they put you in. Then there's the prison that you put yourself in. That's called the mental prison. You know, when I got out of being locked up, for example, If I would go to a supermarket, if I went to Whole Foods and Kishi looked at me two times,

in my mind, Kishi knew I just came out of prison. Kish ain't no fucking mind-rated. But in my mind, that's what I felt when she looked at me two times, to the point where I would put my groceries down and walk out of the supermarket. Your mind plays tricks on you. You feel this thing. But in reality, I didn't forgive myself. I was chucking and jiving for the first three years after I got out of prison

and then it hit me what I had done, like what the rest of my life has been. It hits you years later, the impact of what you really did. And then I lightened up on it, and then I turned it into a joke because that's my automatic response. But, like, what we're going to talk about tonight, how quick did it take me to change? I didn't change over fucking night at all. at all, but I knew the second chance was what I did with that second chance.

If he just is trying to make a living and feed his kids and you pay the $22 to go see him, that's your choice. It'll be interesting to see how his tours do. Do you think they're going to do well? I don't know. He hasn't announced a fucking tour. So it doesn't really matter. We're just talking about him getting on stage right now in New York.

Okay. Right? That's it. Nobody's announced a tour. Nobody said nothing about the tour. We're just talking about him getting on stage and people are right away raising their hand and not giving him a second chance In my world, I love dogs I love dogs I can't see somebody hurting a fucking dog

But I could also see somebody getting caught up in something People get caught up in things they don't even fucking know it I was watching a documentary last night not a documentary room I was watching something on Reels TV about Van Halen and how any Van Halen and married Valerie Bertnelli. And everybody thought Valerie Bertnelli was this smooth, nice white girl. She turned out to start partying with him.

You know, they started fucking doing drugs together and going out together and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. My point is that sometimes good people get caught up in bad things. That doesn't make them a bad person at all. Sometimes life moves so fucking fast. It moves so fast. you're involved and now there's no turning back because either you need that money you fucking

this is how you support this girl that you really like you know you just get involved and all so next thing you know you get knocked on the door and it's the cops of the door you know so always remember that there's two types of people and and i look at them both from two different perspectives that they're good people there's people that make bad mistakes and there's people that get caught up in things and don't know how to get out of them until they get out of them and then you realize you're out of it and you're out of it for good so that's why for me when michael vick got in trouble as much as cuba is dedicated to st lazaro and the dogs and the whole fucking thing i didn't get pissed off at michael vick he did his time did he not do his time yeah

he did his time he paid his fines and he lifted his chin and went back to playing the nfell Has he gotten in trouble since then? I don't think so. Okay. Then my point is good people get involved in bad things sometimes. You're my homie, Lee. You're my homie. What if you're my homie?

We start this podcast and all of someone there starts selling fucking coke. And I'm making fucking millions of dollars every two weeks fucking doing coke. And I ask you to put some money in your house. And I pay your rent and I buy your new car. And you know, it's not drug. You just hold them money for me, but one day the feds kicked down and you're doing you got 20 million in your fucking thing You're a good person who just got involved in the bad thing The judge will give you 90 days to show you never as a punishment then they'll release you to a halfway house and a guy like you'll never ever ever even get a parking ticket again

You understand I'm trying to say to you so always remember that I want you to look at things for what they are Which as Americans we don't do anymore We forgot how to fucking do that Like we just all of a sudden we forgot to do process of things And how things have to be looked at But I look at things like that because I'm a criminal And I got a second chance Right so I understand now am I a hypocrite at times?

You bet your ass you know should a child rapist get a second chance Somebody who takes a child and rapes him and throws them into the bushes or something like that How do you feel about that? Would you give that person a fucking second chance to we move next door to you Those are the hard ones Would you want to play with your kids? No. You understand me? So there's so much hypocrisy that we live under.

So for us to say who gets a second chance, who doesn't get a fucking second chance, I watch what people do? Fucking what's his name? Iron Man was out of his gourd for years. Robert Downey Jr. He was out of his gourd for years. He went to prison, didn't he?

I don't know what he did. He did something. He got caught with Batman suit. He was doing drugs in a closet. it, you know, Lindsey Lohan was in trouble for years. You know, Paris Hilton. People go through phases. Shug Daddy, what's his name?

Remember, they caught him with a gun with Jennifer Lopez, and he gave the gun to Jennifer, and there was a shooting. These are people that go into a world. You start rapping, you know, what happened with Tupac. He just wanted to rap. They just wanted a rap. And they built this imaginary world, and guess what? That world became their fucking reality.

that world, what they wrote about, became their fucking reality. Art became life, whatever they call that. I've thought about what you were talking about a lot, how the difference between good and bad people. And I think what you're getting at is it really changes based on, like, the time period. Like, there's things now that, like, if you told people in the 60s or the 40s, like, there were just different things that were acceptable for people to, or like that people didn't frown upon, I guess, as much sexually or whatever the case may be.

And those people are looked at as good people. And someone does something like, and like, so that's interesting how the app changes. We have the thing called the internet, which magnifies the latitude of what was done. So you ask me, Joy, what does that mean? That means that now we hear more about shootings than what we do muggings and stabbings. we amplify more shootings so now you hear about every fucking shooting with 20 years ago you don't know what happened

over the weekend in the fucking Chicago the internet didn't let you know these things so when judging people you know it's very tough not to judge a person to say you judge them if somebody says to you this guy just got out of jail for raping 12 fucking kids and he wants a job at your store

you know what the fuck do you do as a human being whether you give that person a second chance as a Christian. So we're all hypocrites in some way or form. You know, that's a point I'm trying to make. Well, with Louis C.K., he has to make a living. People make mistakes now they can't make a living. Since when did that fucking, when did that fucking, what is his communist Cuba? It'll be interesting to see, like, they can make a living,

but it'll be interesting to see if like the places give him the rooms if people go because people are going to get upset. I think if I was Louis right now, I keep getting on stage. I would write, I would do an interview. I would definitely do interviews on NBC, CNN. I'd be the first one to break the barrier. There's a barrier. Let's break this fucking barrier. But you're living in the shadows, you're not doing no good for yourself or for nobody to fuck else.

we were established on making mistakes and getting somewhere. You don't learn from being perfect. You learn from making mistakes. So if I was Louis right now, I would have already done, I would have called 60 minutes. I would have beat somebody else to the punch. You know, a year ago, two years ago,

and it's fucking hysterical. Because I loved doing movies. I love television. But the more I'm around these people, I despised him. And I love what I do. I love coming to an office talking shit for an hour. And I love doing stand up away from everything that is Hollywood.

I really fucking do. So two years ago, Kathy Griffin cuts off the president's head and she gets in trouble and she's crying like a fucking pussy that she is. Didn't she slam Louis C.K. last week, too? Probably, yeah. She slammed Louis C.K. This is the society we live in. people who have gotten a second chance

I mean she's back out there doing theaters and selling out so people who get second chances they slam people who are trying to get a second chance this is the society we live in today that fucking angers me to no end it's like me slamming somebody that's trying to get a second chance well I mean don't you think

more than anything being like a convict is probably people judge most harshly? Absolutely. But I thought that way for 18 months, and then I stopped giving a fuck about it. Because before I was a conflict, I was a human being. You have to look at me as a human being, the same way I look at you as a human being.

Even when I was not convicted, I knew people who had come out of jail that I didn't look at in a weird way. It was just a part of them. for the business they were in, whether it was bookmaking, whether they shot somebody in the light to prove a point, whether they fucking got arrested for selling coke or whatever. I knew a bunch of people that had gotten out of prison, and I remember thinking, boy, if I ever go to prison, I know I wouldn't want a treat. Do you know what I'm saying?

I think you had a very unique upbringing, because to be honest, before I met you, I had some people who I knew that went to jail after high school or were dating people who came out of jail and I didn't say anything to them but I probably judge I think I remember judging why would you date someone and like until I until you meet someone or it happens to you and it changes your perspective we all judge it's our natural instinct to judge but I you know it's a funny fucking story I started liking this cheerleader and we started swat and we would go on dates and we would hold hands and shit in the eighth grade and

and one day I like the girl but one day we were starting getting a little hot and heavy and I go we played hooky together like we had like a Monday off it was like a holiday Monday

but her parents worked or I assumed her parents worked so I took the bus down there and we started swap and spit like a hold on one second what time's your dad get home she's like my dad gets home at 530 I go what time's your mom and I got home she goes my mom is dead

I think I kissed it for another 10 minutes and I fucking left there. I was like, that's the creepiest thing I've ever encountered at the age of 13. I had never met anybody who wouldn't have a mother. It freaked me the fuck out. Do you understand me? It freaked me out so much.

I had dumped it out. Like, I dumped her. I still remember who I dumped her for. I still remember calling her and going, like, she kept calling me. When are you going to come down here? I'm like, man, I'm just too, busy with basketball.

I'm in all these fucking leagues, which I was, but I was always available for a nooky cookie. You know what I'm saying? But fuck that. When she told me her mom died, I was like, I'm not dating this girl no more. Who the fuck? How does your mom die? What did you do that your mom died? Like, I never heard of that before.

And guess what? When I found my mother dead, as I was putting her arm down, that girl came into my mind. so I learned how not to judge at an early fucking age it's it's a struggle every day not to judge and it's it's crazy how like you have to catch yourself like do you catch yourself all the time

all the fucking time but in minimal not as much as when I was like 13 when I was 13 I thought how you did you know I don't eat I don't eat mushrooms because they got dog shit on him you know I don't give a, you know, who gives a fuck?

Then one day you realize everything you've eaten has shit on it. For years, people's fingers, every restaurant you eat at, even your mother's a filthy animal. She scratches her ass when she's cooking Jew food. You know what I'm saying? It's all the fucking same, you know? So it doesn't really matter. Once you remember, I was the most fucking pathetic individual before my mother died that you ever encountered.

I would cut the fat off a steak. I did things that only a fucking spoiled kid would do. But when my mother died, guess what? I learned how to eat that fucking fat off the steak. You know what I was very, you know, there's things I'm not going to do. Bitch, bitch, you know, if you're going to fucking make it in this world,

there's things you have to do. You have to do, and that's just the way life is. You don't want to do them, but you got to do it. It's just the way it is. Life ain't fair. Life ain't candy coated. That's why the psychiatrist. You know what I'm saying?

That's why when people blow smoke up your ass, you're not doing nobody any favors. You're not doing nobody no favors. Then the TV show ends, and they actually think they do stand-up and they go on the road, like signing out live guys and they get tomatoes thrown at them. Because somebody told them when they're on the set,

they were funny. A director told them after he said the same line 10 times. You follow me, so that's why you don't blow smoke up somebody's ass. But it's really weird that this year was the 30th year that I'd been out of prison. So a couple weeks ago, like in Utah, I thought about it. I had been thinking about it a lot.

Way before the second chance thing. And I started writing about it. And I broke it down into a chronological, like, 10-year periods. So I started it like the day I got out of prison and walked into a halfway house, which was February of 89 to 99. And I looked at it, I did an Abe Lincoln, Do you guys know what a neighbor linking closes? Enabling and closes when you take, like let's say you go, you know what?

I've been a manager at Lowe's movie theater for eight years and I'm making $75,000 a year. But Lemley offered me $100,000. But I have to go to Woodland Hills now instead of whatever. So you get a sheet of paper and you split it down the middle. Oh, pros and cons. And you put the pros and the cons. I have to drive 80 hours. I make $25,000 more.

I don't get much insurance. I don't get to see my kid on Wednesday, play softball no more, and then you make an assessment of what you're going to do. That's what I kind of did with it. I remember coming in here saying to you that I looked at my first 10 years in comedy, like how my first 10 years out of prison and into comedy, how there was more, like it's fucking hysterical. There was more failures than there were successes.

It's so weird. and by a fucking long shot, like by a margin of error, like that you wouldn't believe, how much more defeat I had the success. So you wrote down, like, all the good things that happened and all the bad things that happened. Fuck. And I wrote them down for the first 10 years of comedy,

just because it's really like since I got out, it's like I got released from Camp George West to BCTC, February of 89. Right? Two days later, I was snorting coke. Like not 30 days later, not three days later, not two days later, I was snorting coke, and a few weeks later, I was selling Coke and loaning out money at the halfway house. So let's talk about fucking Lewis C.K. So I did my crime in 87. I got locked up in 88. I did about eight months.

I put my family through hell what I had left. I put myself through hell. I was out two days And I was already doing cocaine But I learned my lesson Not really After a year I learned my lesson

After I got sentenced In front of a fucking judge Here I am in a halfway house And two days later I think I got to the halfway house On the Tuesday I went to orientation Like Tuesday, Wednesday

And then Thursday Let you out to go get closed And shit like that I went to get a package Full of Coke And you hadn't done Coke for eight months, nine months? Nothing, not a drop.

Fuck. Not a drop. All right, and I was lending money on a Vig. I got a job right off the bat, washing cars on commission, and I broke every rule that they had. You had to have a number where they could reach you.

I got a page it. I told them that where I worked, the phone rang, but we didn't hear it. So not to call me at work. I didn't have a day job at all. I did not have a day job. day job. I sold coke and I washed a couple friends of mine

cars for 25, 30 bucks. That's it? That's it. I wasn't supposed to drive. I was driving like fucking James Bond. I was driving like an Uber drive. I was driving all around town. I had three different fucking cars. I remember being on a light next to a halfway house

council one day. Like pulling up at the light and looking and it was her and looking away. One of the chicks a black chick. I named Judy. She worked in the halfway house. And me being at the light going, she's going to turn. That was two weeks in-house detention.

That means for two weeks you couldn't do nothing, but go to work and come back to the halfway house. And like three points lost off your fucking thing and you had to go down the system. I was parked at a light right next door. Fuck. All right. So I got out of the prison in 89 in February.

By April, I got my first hot urinalysis. Two months. Two months. I came a pot for cocaine. And so like that and like being next to that lady in the car weren't like, okay. No. I'm going to stop now. No, no, no, no.

There was no stopping me. I didn't give a fuck. I had no rules. There was nothing. I was 27 maybe. I didn't give a fuck. That was not going to stop me. I had an attorney and I just threw him money.

to keep me out of jail so they were going to put me in county for 60 days I cut a deal with them to put me in an outpatient halfway house an outpatient rehab that cost me like $4,000 for six weeks but I didn't give a fuck

because all I had to do was go from six to nine at night and I would just sit there and tell stories and shit and fucking fuck around and talk to women that was it So I wasn't doing nothing. I was just chucking and jiving. And they were nervous at all.

And they told me if they caught me again that they were going to throw me in jail. Jesus. That they were going to revoke my fucking community corrections. You think that's not me? Fuck, no. So now, guess what happens in May of 89? Something bad? I knock up my girlfriend.

Oh, geez. And if you thought I was wheeling and dealing by that point, you should have seen me go to work then. I was an unstop machine. I quit my job and I started selling Mitsubishi's on 104th in Thornton when the Eclipse was the hottest car in the fucking country and you would make 800 per car and I would sell two a day of those motherfuckers and I was loaning money on I was selling coke

I was like a one man fucking wrecking crew dog a one man wrecking crew they let me out of the halfway house like in September and I got married 9-9 of 89 we weren't I got at the fucking wedding I was snorting coke but here's the funniest story out of all of this shit

that when you get put on community corrections they're allowed to come to your work or to your house at any time in 24 hours and ask you to take your dick out or your pussy out and piss in the jar so I played the game in court but then I took them to court and I said I didn't want them at my job

and we sided some fucking case and we beat them. They said no piss test at my job. So that's why they never showed them at my job. But there was a two-team operation. It was a woman that was about, if I was 27, 28, she was like 36, kind of attractive, but she had like a wooden leg, like some kind of,

she had leg dragged. She could hear her coming? Huh? She could hear her coming? She could hear her coming. She dragged. But she was very nice and very sweet. And then her sidekick was a guy that was like a guy that wanted to be a cop.

But he was too stupid to be a fucking cop. And he got his hair cut like a Marine and shit. And this motherfucker would come to my house. Now, you guys know me. You know, you guys know me. Like I told my wife this story that they're there and we're fucking dying. Do you know, I was on Community Corrections for two years. That motherfucker came to my house ten times.

I swear to mercy. I never opened up the door. one time. He would sit out there for hours. I remember one time they called the sheriffs and the sheriffs were parked outside and I jumped out the back when went to go and got a slice of pizza and shit. This went on for two years.

They didn't make you wear a bracelet? No. No, no, no, no, no, no. I had an attorney and I just kept shoving money at him. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck, guys. I remember one time I had friends visit me from Jersey and they brought like an ounce of coke and I told

him I was leaving at two in the afternoon. to go fly somewhere. I wasn't flying nowhere. I was just, I bought a plane ticket and everything. I had to show him the plane ticket and the whole fucking thing. I bought a plane ticket. I was just going to lock myself up with my buddies and get fucked up in Denver somewhere.

Do you know an hour after my friend's land? I don't know what I did with my ex-wife. Me and my buddies were upstairs, fucking snort and coat. And I heard pounding at the door, and it was this motherfucker downstairs trying to piss test me before I left. Jesus. And I was like, fuck you. I'm not open the door.

And he knew I was, I see you. I know you're in there. Open up the door. I wouldn't fuck you. I'm not opening up shit. I didn't open up that fucking door for two years. And I don't open up that goddamn door. And you still got out of probation?

And then I would fucking, I would put stuff on my dick. Oh, the drenno. I was uncircised, so I kept fucking with their piss test. So I would take the skin from my dick and pull it back and put pool cleaner on it. and then pull the skin over it. And then when I would pee, I would pull the skin back and all the chlorine and drano or aspirin. They told me to put aspirin to beat the piss test.

I was fucking with them. They kept getting these tests that were saying like tampered with. And they couldn't figure out. I mean, they would make me put my hand up and everything. But let's go back to the chick with the woodlink. So there was times where I would go into piss and she was there. And she would only test me for T. Do you follow me?

She wouldn't give me a full panel. So I knew if I pissed on certain days, I knew their schedules, so I wouldn't go there when she was there. So my probation, because those piss tests are expensive, so they would panel me twice and just THC one time. But you were smoking weed too, probably.

I was smoking weed under the level. You're like, Joey, what's under the level? I would roll a joint real tight. And I had a little gym, 35 bucks a month. I had a garage with a punching bag with weights or radio

and I would close the garage and I would take one hit off the joint and turn it off and hit the bag and work out so as I was before you even got in I would drink water

and sweat it out of me I never got caught for T. I always beat them for THC. But if you're smoking this is also 198 this is also 1990

the test weren't sophisticated but there were times when I would go with her and she would have to watch me piss and I would like take my dick out and show it to her a little bit just to play with her little bit

like to play with her head because she was cute but I could tell she hadn't gotten dick in a few years like I could tell and she was kind of cute but nobody you know in bold and tall young college girls

nobody talks to you if you're over 35 and I would tell her you know you're looking pretty good to like because she did she had a nice body except for the fucking leg whatever the fuck my leg was I don't know if it was I don't know if she got shot in Vietnam

I don't know what it was but she had a fucked up leg so my relationship with her was pretty good she knew I was up to something but she liked me my ex-wife cut her hair you know so she kind of liked me

so she was always really cool with me it was the Marine guy that kept fucking tormenting me to death you wouldn't show him at your dick no I would never show him my dick he would sit in the room and watch me and he would actually put his glasses on and watch me put my hand under my dick

he would make me put my hands up he thought I was like you had stuff I'm chemicals on my hand and shit the chemicals were in my foreskin and they could never figure it the fuck out but how did he have like a rubber band around it nothing nothing so how did they stick in your foreskin I would take my dick in front of the probation

place I would take it out in the car and sprinkle the chemicals on my dick and then I would sometimes put like a rubber band you're right like I would put like a rubber band or like a fucking meat tie or something but the meat tie the rubber band they wouldn't know The rubber band would just go into my pants.

So I would just take my dick, put in the thing, and then just pull the skin back. The helmet would fucking go in. And then when the piss would hit the helmet, the stuff would fall off the helmet. I would drink like two gallons of water. It would mix right in there. I was treacherous, treacherous.

They didn't take your hair out there. I did not stop. So I got this pool girl pregnant. She's from a Polish family. We decided to get married on October of 80. we got married on the Saturday, guys. I had just gotten out of the halfway house. We got married on a Saturday.

You got to give me credit for one thing. I did put together like $15,000 over the summer in two months. Like I saved $15,000. Like, that was the first time in my life. I had ever done something like that in my life. That's how much I was stealing. That's how much I was selling Coke. That's how much like I was...

I think you were going to say it was from cars. It was from cars, too. making money from cars too but this is the most disgusting thing I ever did in my life I got married on a Saturday we got on a plane to San Francisco she was pregnant you know we messed around on the plane like the plane was empty we had like the whole fucking back 10 seats back there we got fucking naked as fuck they started messing around the plane you know I'm a savage and I was a fucking savage then we went back to the hotel room she was already tired I I laid down when she fell asleep

And I got in the rental car And I went hunting for my friends from San Francisco From five years earlier And I ended up finding one of them Like at one in the morning at the Spanish bar in San Francisco And he sold me an eight ball While your wife is asleep My wife was asleep

And I drove around for like three hours Until about five drinking and snort and coke Like this is how crazy I am I'm on fucking probation and I'm driving around San Francisco drinking and snort and coke but not like drinking like you know like a fucking I would just take

a little sips of the beer and throw the can of beer I was paranoid I went I parked in the hotel I don't know what hotel we were staying at and I finished the rest of the cocaine and I went upstairs about 7 in the morning and I laid down and I laid down I was awake in bed until about 9

until she woke up and we had like the fucking the next day it was just stacked. We weren't going to one baseball game. We were going to like two baseball games. We went to see the Oakland A's against the Yankees with Konseko and all that. And then we went to Monday Night Football. The Niners against somebody else.

Something crazy. Like, I was out of my mind. That was my idea of a honeymoon. It was going to fucking baseball games and football games and shit. But you hadn't slept the night before? I hadn't slept at all. Did part of you plan on sleeping? couldn't like

none like I just didn't even know what the fuck to do but that didn't laugh like I went back I went through the honeymoon and moved into an apartment with the whole fucking deal and I think at that time once I got back for my honeymoon I wasn't getting high

I was just selling coke I was in too deep now now I was just selling it I was getting it from a guy and I was getting it from a guy that would give him like a pound or two a month and then he would leave And I would have a month to give him the money. So I would take that, I would sell that Coke in a week. So I would take that money and buy from other Coke dealers.

So I would just buy Coke and sell it with his money for the month. And then when he came back from Mexico, I would give him his money. I had to put in a paint can. They were fucking hysterical. This is all crazy shit. But I was pretty good. But like I told you guys earlier, from touching the cocaine, I came back positive. So now they had a big problem.

My wife was seven months pregnant, and here I am, they're going to put me in fucking prison. For how long? To finish out my sentence. For three fucking years. I paid the attorney again, and what they did was they put me in the halfway house for 90-day violation. We got them down to a 90-day violation, and I was going right back to level one. That means grunt. You have to start.

You can't eat out. You can't bring food in. You have to give them $75 for frozen dinners and shit. Fuck. You couldn't get caught with over $40 in your pocket. And now they were watching me like fucking hawks. I was still lending out money. I was still slinging coke.

I got a job at a fucking car wash. Because I could have walked to it because I didn't even want to drive anymore. So I got a job at a fucking car wash at the pedal car wash in Boulder, Colorado. they came to me and offered me a job. They came to me and were like, listen, man, when you worked here before, we noticed that you want to be a host. Our host is quitting.

You work three days. You made a thousand bucks. Wow. If you were a good salesman out there, you can make a thousand bucks cash. But I figured out how to rob those motherfuckers. Me and this other girl that were inside were rob them. So we were getting them for four grand apiece.

A week? Oh, my God. I had more money than a fucking God robbing these poor people. it was like a fucking entity it was like we she was the sheriff's daughter she was like the sheriff's daughter like the lead sheriff's daughter

and she came to me when they said she goes how much cash they're pulling to this place a day we should split something and I go okay I'll put I'll ask the customers when they come in like you paying cash or credit card that they're paying cash I'll put a blue line in it

that means she was going to rip it up and throw it away and keep the cash and every three hours she'd come out and give me a handful of money it was like fucking tremendous it was crazy so wait so you said the last time like when you got out of jail like two days later you're snoring coke two days later so now you're no disregard for nothing now you're back in the halfway house for three months could have gone for three years how soon are you robbing the bottle car wash right off the bat like within a week within a week i'm on oh my god i'm on the scam at the puddle car wash i got a wife that's knocked up her parents don't fucking like me too much at this point nobody likes me at this point you know, the cat's out of the fucking bag, but I can't stop doing blow,

but I had kept it together. I kept it pretty much together. I stuck to the program. I went to a couple of EA meetings, but I knew I wasn't done. I was just getting started. Like, I knew, I'm like, you know what? I'm just getting fucking started.

I'm just, let me try to stay clean for a few weeks. And that's what I did. I stayed clean. I got out of jail on February 2nd, and my daughter was born on February 3rd. It was like a fucking omen. Holy shit. Like it was like a fucking omen.

And guess, so she was born on February 3rd while she was in the hospital recuperating? What do you think I did? Build the crib? I went home and got an eight ball and fucking celebrated by myself. That's how much of a degenerate that was. So, again, that was my second chance. I was just running on luck at this point. How many chances do you think you had?

More than a fucking cat. That's wild. Definitely more than the cat. That's why I accepted. When people, when I was going to get locked up, people kept saying, why don't you run? Why don't you leave the country?

And I go, because I'm going to pay my sins for everything I did. For everything that I did, this is not for kidnapping this fucking moron. This is for all the other crazy shit. I looked at it that way. So now I got the kid and I sold cars for a while. But let me tell you what happened when I was back in the halfway house.

This is what started at all. When I got out of fucking prison, the guy I lived with before I went to jail kept telling me I had to watch this comedian. He was a big comedy guy. And he kept telling me, you got to watch this guy, got to watch this guy, got to watch this guy. And I finally went to his house from the day, and I sat there, and it was Andrew Dice Clay. And I watched the tape, and I was pissing all over myself. But I was also very angry because he was saying,

the things that were in my head when I walk around the street like the shit I say to myself like look at this check over here what are you gonna do with the flowers showing up your ass all those thoughts were was going through my head so that destroyed me so for New Year's Eve 89 I was stuck in the halfway house but I didn't give a fuck I rented one of the rooms in the halfway house and I got some cold cuts or something like pizza and I watched Andrew Dice Clay special with like eight guys The same one you'd watched before.

The same one I'd watched before. I wanted to turn other people on to Andrew Dice Clay. And that was the first time ever. Like I was like, maybe. But nah. I'm a fucking halfway house. It can't be a stand-up comic. That's okay.

Because you had that librarian and prison give you the notebook or something, right? So all of a sudden when I saw Dice Clay, I was like, ugh, this is what I really want to fucking do. But who do the fucking mind? I'm just fucking crazy. I'm charging fucking Invix, Vig, on a fucking $75 rent for a fucking piece of shit.

How can I fucking be on TV and do comedy? And it's great, because I, for whatever reason, I imagine you always having very high self-esteem. No, not at this time at all. Now, how can you? Your mother's dead. You quit high school. You got left back in the seventh grade.

All your friends are in college. You had to get a GED and you went to prison. What self-esteem? What leg did I have? it to stand on to have any self-esteem the self-esteem I had was the drugs are giving me a fake confidence I was just living for the fucking drugs that that was it but at least I knew this but you were judging yourself I was way ahead judging myself why wouldn't I how can listen there's got to be a time when you have to fold your cards and there's got to be a time when

you hold them and there's got to be when I wrote this thing And that's what I found out over this 10-year thing. When I wrote this, I wrote that I realized something about my life that I always knew when to fold my cards. And a lot of people do not know that, do not have that thing because of an ego or something. They have a switch that. And I understand, you know, when I was a fucking freshman, I was a great basketball player. But the coach didn't like me. And I didn't play.

But then I started realizing one thing. The biggest person in my family is five for fucking ten. The biggest person in my family was my father. He was six for four. After that I haven't seen a Diaz or Valdez. It's over five foot ten. That means I either had to be really good in defense or really fucking quick. Or just like to be a boss in the Celtic.

That's the only person who was going to hire me. Was a Celtic because they hire white people that are slow and fucking goofy. So I was going to be a Celtic. So when I had to break away from basketball, that was bad enough for me. When I had to walk away from basketball, that was painful enough for me. I lived with that scar for years. So I was looking for something. At this point, I kept quitting everything.

I would sell cars for six months. I'd be a bartender for six months. I was a carpenter for three months. Everything I did, I failed that. I was a brick mason for nine months. I either failed it or didn't stick with it. So do you understand me? To be a comic, I'm like, ugh.

I can't even be a cook. I don't have the patience to be a barback to become a bartender. Like, I was one of those guys. Like, you know, Lee, you want to be a bartender? You can make $500 a night. Really? Give me a job that you got to start as a barback and make $125 and wash dishes. Suck my dick.

Why? I could steal $125 a day. That was my mentality. I could sell drugs and make $125 a day. You pay me $500. That's a different fucking story. So I didn't want to try nothing. I was a failure and everything. So when I saw Andrew Dice Clay, a stand-up seemed great.

The guy in the library told me I was great, but he was also doing a life sentence. It's not like he was Nostradamus and told me something, you know, knowledge or psychic or nothing. So I was taking this from three people I told me I was to do comedy. But it was one person. When I got married and I had the kid and the whole fucking thing, and everything was going smooth.

And I got a job off for after I quit the car wash, I got a job off from Boulder Toyota And Boulder Toyota was a really Straight up car dealership You had to be really straight Like when they hired me I was like these people don't know what they got involved in Because I came from really dirty dealerships

This one was very straight You had a white shirt on Every phone call was taped You had to write your golds every day It was fucking creepy You had to do a thousand things a day to work there And I was like I'm not used to.

to this, I'm a renegade. I'm not used to this. I just want to sell cars. It wasn't like that. So that slowed me down, but there was a guy that his name was James Handy. I still talked to. Jimmy Handy was his name, and he was different than any other car manager I had ever had. That whole crew, like I worked with this Jewish guy that you remind me of. His name was Artie Pressler. That motherfucker sold me how to sell cars. That Jew knew how to sell cars because he would sell you a car psychologically. he did the same thing every time and he would always sell your car

but he sold your car psychologically so you learn how to sell a car psychologically when I went to work for Jimmy Handy and this guy named Marty Saddlaw who works out of I want to get him a shout out he works out in Longmont Honda

they honed my skills they took my jewishisms and really honed them they were fucking sharp these guys were Ardy Presler was a fucking Jew, but he was like a stone Jew. Those Jews that sell diamonds and stones

and shit, they will close you until your head spins. They close you psychologically, and then the next day you have buyer's remorse, and then they talk you out of it, they fucking, how about we knock three points off or something like that? But then we'll charge you a point for the new case.

This guy was notorious. He was phenomenal at what he did. He was a New York Jew. I loved him. He taught me how to four square. Four square is a system of selling cars. So you get the person to commit to a down payment, the monthly payment, how much for their car all on one shot.

And you make them sign and you fuck with their heads. He was the king of that shit. But when I went to Boulder Toyota, they didn't do a four square. They sold cars from the hip. What does that mean? They sold cars from the hip. Jim Handy would just get up and come over and go, Kishi, here's the fucking deal. Listen, you haven't paid your water bill in six months and you're coming in here and

demanding fucking situations. This is what you're going to pay for the car. If not, take a fucking hike because it was bolder. People have credit in bold. I don't have to put up with your shit. See, you're going to pay for the fucking car? Take a fucking hike. In bold, the people did five-line credit apps.

Their credit is solid. They can pay for the car cash or they can finance the car. It didn't matter. When you sell cars in Denver, there's always a by-the-way. How's your credit? It's great. You haven't paid the phone. bill in two years.

You know what I'm saying? Then I got to get you a lender. That'll lend you the money, but he's going to lend you for 24 points. And you're going to cave again. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's a constant fuck-up. But when I sold cars with those guys, they taught me how to slow down, how to be a gentleman. They were different.

But Jim Handy made you write down your goals. And then we have like a Christmas party or something, and I went off at the Christmas party. And Jim Handy pulled me aside and he's like, oh, you gotta get in the stand-up comedy. You gotta quit this shit. But Jim Handy was a really good-looking dude. And he pulled pussy from all over.

And he was married with two kids, but there was a chick in the office that had a crush on him because he was a good-looking older dude. And I knew the chick was watching. And one day I sold the car. And I had to be there early the next morning to deliver it. And his two sons were there. And they were talking in the garage

when I walked back there. And as I walked back that they were talking about problems that their mother and father were having. I interrupted the conversation. I go on Jimmy, you're going to have that car? Jimmy Jr. Are you going to have the car ready for me? And he goes, yeah. And he turned around.

He goes, we were just talking about you this morning on the ride to work. And I go, what were you saying? And he goes, my father said he had any balls. He'd quit his job and take you on the road as your manager. And I remember delivering the car and going, that's fucking crazy that this guy would quit his fucking job and take me on the road.

Why would he want to do that? Like he was dead serious. He was dead serious. I went in and said to him, are you serious? He goes, I'm a fan of stand-up. I think he got all the fucking tools to do it. How about some Tony Bennett? Pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart.

Monday morning, get your shit together, cock suckers. Somebody twice as smart as I'm a somebody who's telling you. As I'm a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. So anyway, like I was telling you, oh, by the way, I got a good call from a friend of mine, Joe motherfucking Lucci from 30 years ago, I grew up with Joe. Joe Lucci. I went to see ACDC with Ted Nugent at the Garden August 4th with him,

79. I don't know how many concerts I went to see with Joe Lucci. But he called me and he goes, you got to do me a big favor. You got to give a shout out to a friend of mine, Edwin Rios or something like that. A friend of his down there in motherfucking Orlando, Florida. We haven't given out a shout out to people a while, but I want to give this guy a shout out. He's a good friend of fucking Joe Luch. and I OD to Joe Lucci's one time I ate a bunch of quail-lose and stored some coke

and my eyes turned fucking backwards this shit, tremendous. You can't write this shit. Is that on the list? No, no, not on the fucking list, right? So, it was, but what was fucked up, I was at, when I was at Boulder Toyota, I had met, the lucky thing about

the car wash was that I met a lot of people in town So I met these guys that would come in and say sheriff's office And they would have regular cars Well, I finally figured out they were the undercover agents So Boulder undercover agents don't work in Boulder They work in Denver And Denver sends their agents to Boulder When did it say police department?

They would come in and just say, You charge it to this Boulder Sheriff's Department Oh So do you understand me? People would come in so I became friends of undercover cops then people come in and say, charge it to the Boulder County District Attorney's Office. Charge it to the Boulder County District Attorney's Office

and all this shit, so I would just write District Attorney's Office and bring it in. This one guy who would say charged it to this attorney's office, I didn't know who he was, and I started talking to him. I would talk to him the way I'm talking to you two guys. Good morning, how are you doing what's going on?

Like, just being me. I didn't know what he did. He looked like a cop, but not really. I didn't give a fuck. and I worked at the car wash for a while, and then I would see him around town. I made a lot of contacts at the car wash. And one day, I bumped into him, and he shook my hand,

and I go, hey, man, I never even know what the fuck you did for a living. He goes, I'm one of the DAs in town, and I got to tell you something. I'm on probation right now. He goes, you? For what? And I told him what I did. He goes, that was you? Huh?

He goes, oh, my God. He goes, who was the DA on that? And I told him, who was a district attorney on that? He hated me. The guy hated me. He showed up at all the hearings and tried to put me back in jail and shit. So this DA's name was Bill Wise. He hated that guy too. So I took a masonic of a bill. I'm trying to get my life together. Mr. Wise and I want to move back to New Jersey with his probation and not letting me move back to Jersey.

This is how I first found out about Trump. When I had that job doing construction, I was going to sell doors and moldings and saddles. And I was supposed to go back to Jersey when I got out of prison. That was the plan. That was my selling point for them to let me out of prison. That you don't have to deal with me. I'm going to go back to Jersey. Don't worry. I won't kidnap no more people in bold because I won't be here no more.

I'll be in Jersey. So that was the plan all along. After I got out of prison, I felt that people eyeballing me type deal. So I was thinking about moving back to Jersey at one time. I was still married. Whether we were happy or wasn't. I just thought you went through those phrases. So I went to him like a man and he goes,

do me a favor. Send me a motion. Just send it to my desk. Have your attorney send me a motion and I'll dismiss the probation. This is in the middle of me fucking hiding from the fucking guys and the sheriffs. Like he knew nothing about that. He just goes, send me a fucking motion. I'll dismiss it.

Just like that. I called my attorney. I go write a fucking dismissal thing to Bill Wise. He goes, are you fucking crazy? Bill Wise. I go, just send it and do it. Watch. He called me a week later.

He goes, how the fuck did you do that? You know, Bill Wise turned out to be? It was two of them. It was Alex Hunter and Bill Wise also got in trouble with John Bonnet Ramsey. They took the heat for the John Bonnet Ramsey case. It was Alexander Hunter and Bill Wise

when they redid the show a couple of years, about two years ago, the 20th anniversary or something like that they redid. The cop that I turned myself into, Jimmy Kola. He was a cop in Boulder. at the time he was under so that's how I got our probation everybody was pissed the detective was pissed the DA the detective actually came to the went looking for me one day he's like how the fuck did you get all probation we got

our own you piece of shit we know exactly like fuck you guys I got a friend in the DA's office you know what I'm saying that's it now I had him by the balls I was off probation so is that that's on the good side because you got an probation? Yes. Yes. I was about to go back to all I needed was a fucking parking ticket. So, and that's what I've heard that being a movie was a parking ticket. It was hard. You can get, it's easier than prison I've heard. Boom. It's easier in prison. That's crazy. There's so much scrutiny on you. Yeah. Wow. Okay.

So once Jim Handy quit Toyota, he went somewhere else. Our crew broke up. I said, fuck it. I didn't want to sell cars no more. My brother-in-laws offered me a job working for them. And I started as a fucking roofer on a flat roof, tearing it off. I was just a regular roofer. No title. I had never roofed before. I never did nothing. They started me at $12.50 an hour or something like that, $11 an hour.

And this is still in Colorado. This is still in Colorado. I'm still not even thinking about comedy. I had seen Dice. Jim Handy told me to get into it. But I was still kind of like, I can't. I got a kid. I'm a fucking criminal dog.

Here I am wheeling dealing the University of Colorado school loans. I'm getting Pell Grants. I'm putting them directly in my account. I'm buying an ounce of coke with Pell Grant money. I mean, you know, how the fuck was I going to be a comedian? When was I going to find time to do comedy in between all my bullshit and my wheeling and dealing?

So now we're still at, we're still at 1990. 91 I'm roofing and fucking it's January and it's really cold and we have the day off and I stay in and that movie punchline is on with Tom Hanks and Sally Struthers

about not Sally Struthers whatever name is about stand-up comedy and I watched that movie and that was it that was it I called the Comedy Works afterward and I got my name on the stand-up Sally Fields. Sally Fields. And they called me a week later and I canceled. That was January of 91.

I kept canceling. And then like in March one day, I went into this fucking, now I got to tell you guys something at this point, I am miserable. Miserable. In your life? I'm 28 years old. I was lied to.

I was lied to Kishi. I was lied to. I saw the wall. And that's what I wanted and you're fucking crazy if that's what I wanted at that age. I thought success was having a wife having a child I had a condo we had two cars one for her one for me and I was just a working step that was my success I looked at myself at 28 at this time. I was probably making 1250 an hour and I was fucking miserable for years it took me to get to this level of having everything I wanted or I thought I wanted

and I got to tell you some this ain't what I want to do this is as boring as it gets I got to come home to this fucking mooch every night this fucking mutt every night and play with my kid till 10 and then I go to bed and get up at 5

and go to work from 6 to fucking 5 and do it again and do that with two weeks off a year until I'm 65 that's what you're telling me that's what you're telling me gone and you can't do nothing I'm married I can't do nothing

I mean I can't do nothing I felt like a fucking you know I just felt fucking immobile I didn't know what to do at 28 here and I'm off probation I'm making not bad money I'm wheeling and dealing cars

I was not making bad money guys I was not missing meals I wasn't making a quarter of a million dollars a year but I wasn't dying either I was making $100,000. I was 28 years old and bold. That's not fucking bad. Bolder, everybody gets paid

$10 an hour. When I started roofing, I would work six days, I would work five days a week. And I learned how to sell residential roofs. And I would do them with a friend and I would pick up an extra $3 grand

on the weekend doing a roof with it. I didn't know the meaning to stop. At 28, I didn't stop. I worked seven days a week. And then one day I fucking, it snowed, And at this time, we were doing, we were in between jobs. So I was stocking jobs.

And I was estimating. You know how I got that estimated job? I created the position myself. I'm like, what are we going to do after this job? They're like, we don't know. I go, you guys have no idea. And I went and I contacted all the rubber companies, Carlisle, Good Year, Firestone. And they sent me estimation packages.

And I started getting, and I started writing bids by myself. I swear to God, I taught myself how to write bids. I started getting jobs. So when it hails in Colorado All these residential people do their roos over it's a scam So I would go and put flyers out Fucking J and D roofing I don't even know what J&D roofing was

Joey D is roofing Jesus And I would fucking go to a neighborhood I swear to Godly And I would go talk to you And by the time I was finished with you on your ladder I had five people come out and go Why are you here to take a look at my roof

So I would do the rules Or I would sub amount to a friend of mine. He would give me like 20% of the roof, which was like $300,400. I was selling cars out of the newspaper. So I'd buy a car. You won $4,000 for your car. I'd show up with $32 cash.

Lee wanted that car for $4,400. I'd sell it to Lee for $4,200. I would give you $200 if you sold it under your name because you could only sell three cars a year under your name. Then you have to become a dealer. So I would give... A dog. You're dealing with the wrong.

type of animal here. I do not know what it is to stop. At that age, I was a one-man wrecking machine. I was a one-man wrecking machine. But I was so fucking miserable in my marriage, so fucking miserable. I loved being a dad, but I wasn't ready for that ear beaten. I just was not ready for that shit. That's why when I called you that day and you were in Boston, you said, I'm with the love of my life. I almost went to Boston and shot you in that you're 25 you don't even know what the love of your life is love of your life is cheeseburgers

and ain't some fucking Spanish girl you know what I'm saying you don't know what the fuck you want to do 28 you don't know what the fuck you want to do but I knew I didn't want to be broke and I knew I wasn't gonna go back to prison those are the two things I fucking knew and I knew I was gonna figure out how to make a fucking living that I enjoyed this roof and shit

it was for the fucking birds it was fun I like being in shape I like working outside in the sun but I'm not going to be 40 doing this. And I went to get food at the diner one day, and I saw an ad in the paper. You know, when you just opened the paper? I just opened the paper to the sports section.

And there was a guy there doing stand-up, and I said, how to be a stand-up comic. And it showed about the Roseanne had just hit. So she had hit out of Denver. So the comedy boom in Denver was huge. All of a sudden, everybody was becoming a comic in Denver. I'm like, this is what I want to do now. Buse becoming a comic.

So I took a class. I took the class. I could march or April, and then I got a job as a doorman at Witt's End Comedy Club. I started as a doorman. Then they promoted me to a fucking sound guy. Then I got promoted to the bar back.

And the guy always told me the first time you get on stage, you're fired. The owner, his name is Cooney. What was his name? He used to tell me, I don't hire comics. So the first time I hear you, getting on stage, you're fired. So I enjoyed this job because I got to watch comedians.

They weren't A-list comics by no means. It was like a C club, but I still got to ask questions. I got to ask the comedian stupid questions about touring and traveling. How do you make a living and shit like that? I kept canceling and then one fucking day. I told my wife at the time that I got a Tuesday at Comedy Works and she was like, well, let's get a babysitter. and she held me feet to the fire.

So now I had to get on fucking stage. I had Judy Carter's handbook. And I fucking got on stage. And I remember walking on stage. And Ed Nichols came up to me, one of the owners of the comedy works. He's not the owner anymore. And he was like,

your jokes need work, but your stage presence is fantastic. Keep coming back. And I just knew. I just had to figure out how to get rid of this fucking mutt next to me, my wife. I really did. I wasn't happy at all.

And we got into an argument in July. She was selling muffins. Her and my other friend's wife were selling muffins. My ex-wife could make a fucking muffin jack. She made an almond poppy seed muffin that would rock your fucking world. She was selling muffins and we got into an argument about the muffins one day. And it never really recovered after that. And I went into like this fucking depression.

Like I tried to become a fucking Buddhist. I went and got confirmed in the Catholic Church. I mean, I was going through hell. I was going through a living fucking hell being married. And then I went to, I got on stage and this guy who was at the show hired me for a show two days later. That's a great feeling. He goes, I'll give you gas money. He gave me five bucks for gas money.

And I went in front of the Denver Broncos at the training camp. And that was my second gig ever. I just ate a bag of dicks. That was it. And then I had another gig like a week and a half later. But at that point, by August, I was depressed as shit. I was like, this is terrible. I got to do stand-up.

I got to figure out how to do fucking stand-up. I couldn't even think anymore. Like, I couldn't even think. I just... And in September, she came to me and she goes, this is rough on you. Do you want to take a vacation? And I said, let me go home for a week.

week and I went back to New York for a week and I actually the plan was to get on stage I got on stage like one time and I went and watched more comedy like I was so scared I went and watched comedy I was so intimidated I went and watch comedy watch comedy watch comedy I'm like you know what I got to move back here and I went back to Colorado I just went back there basically to do drugs I hadn't been home in six years I left New Jersey and I didn't come back for six fucking years and I'd be basically came back maybe a month later. I came home from work and she goes,

can you talk to me in the kitchen for a second? And she goes, I think we should get separated. And I gotta tell you guys, I didn't see it coming. And I didn't have the heart to separate from her. Like, I didn't have the heart to go to her and say, I'm Catholic. Like in my world, I'd rather rot with you than divorce you. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's the way I was built.

So is that a pro or a con? That's a con. Like, I'm that old school. Like I don't like getting fucking married and divorced like these fucking animals today. You just can't get married and divorce like that all the time. You pick one person and you try to work it out with them, but I wasn't happy with her at all. So I had to figure something out. And I just knew.

I just knew. She had chains and I didn't. When a woman has a baby and they get married, they change. And I didn't. I didn't. I didn't grow up. And once I did comedy, I was completely gone. Like, once I did comedy, it was like,

Like, I didn't mind being a criminal. I liked being a criminal, but I wanted to be a comic war. Like, that was it. I wanted to be a comic more. I fucking loved it. So she was gone out of there two days later, and I was on stage that night. Then there was a contest in my town at the Boulder Broker. The broker was like an old pickup type bar.

It's still there. And they had a contest on Tuesday nights. And the guy I lived with before I went to prison, he was tight with the bowler. So I had him call the manager at the club, and he gave me a spot in the contest, and I won. I fucking won that night. I was like, holy shit.

And then I went back in November, and I won again. And I made it to the semifinals in December. And I won again, and I made it to the finals. And at the finals, that $5, that P.J. Moore paid me. God rest of soul, Denver, came to haunt me. Because one of the guys that was there said, you're a pro you took five dollars from PJ Moore I go no it was gas money

it was five dollars so the judges had to have a talk and they're like no you're still an amateur I was still an amateur I've been doing comedy fucking six seven months maybe wasn't one of your friends told you out or something or one of the other comics sold me out that's crazy

who I later forgave because he gave me a ton of work and he ended up liking each other he brought it up and I still won the contest. I packed it up. And then there was a house MC there that was a magician. And by this time, she was gone two or three months. And I got to be honest here, when we split up, we both made a deal. We go, let's figure out what we're going to do. And then let's start dating people until that time. And me, I just wanted to do comedy guys. I just wanted to do comedy. I didn't care about date nobody. I didn't want to date nobody's pussy. I just don't do fucking comedy, man.

I was bit. I didn't care about women or nothing. So for two months, I just did comedy. I just did comedy. I did comedy as much as I could. I wrote as much as I could. I rented videos and I stayed up all night watching videos. I would just watch video after video after video after video.

That's it. It was like this was way before YouTube. There was no fucking YouTube. So you had actually go down to the video store and get videos. I'd watch the ones I liked over and over again. Like a George Carlin one. I'd watch Eddie Murphy Delirious. I'd watch Andrew Dice Clay.

I'd watch Kennison, but the ones that really got me with the Young Comedian specials, they really got me hooked. And I just dove into it. And then the December, the night before the finals, it was December 18th, 1991, I had the baby. She made me pick the baby up at daycare, and she goes, can you watch her until about 6.30? I'm going out with my girlfriends from work. The contest started at 8. You know that dirty bitch walked into my house at 5 to fucking 8? And I go, you know, I had a contest tonight.

She goes, oh, I wasn't thinking about it. She goes, my date went over. And I go, what are you talking about date? I don't want to date no one. She goes, you're free to do whatever the fuck you do. Wrong answer. Wrong answer. You know, I was like, and I was hurt at that point.

I was like, you know, I didn't care that we were separated. I knew that this wasn't, like, I didn't know what was going to happen. I knew we weren't going to stay together, but this was just a little too soon. You just told me not the date. And now you're really pissed on that agreement. So a week later, I was already like that date this little, this little fucking girl from the broker, this little waitress from the broker. We spent like New Year's together and all this stuff.

And I started dating another girl from the broker pretty serious. And again, you talk about your life and decisions. I was pretty happy. I was now the house broker, the house MC at the broker. I had been doing it like the third week and I was doing a good job all I had to do is going there on Tuesdays at 7.30 get the intros from the comics

and do five minutes. That's all they wanted me to do. I figured out I had to do it, new five minutes every week because it was the same fucking people. It was steak night. $15 for steak, a baked potato, a salad, a bowl of shrimp, and a comic, 15 fucking bucks.

So my job was to go up on stage while people were eating the fucking steak and talked to them while people were eating the fucking steak it it was horrible but I did it I kept doing it and doing it and doing it and one and on Monday I would the show was every Tuesday and on Monday nights I would go to Laudizio restaurant with this chef named Joe Koch he was the fucking uh dessert chef and I would stay with him all night and he would make desserts and I would try him I would eat desserts and he'd make me pastaes and shit And I had that little hot girlfriend. But I was headed to Ledizio.

I was pumping gas in my car. And a car pulled up behind me. And when I turned around, it was my ex-wife. And she got out of the car screaming and yelling about shit. You're a piece of shit. You got a girlfriend and all this shit. I bet you're happy. And at this time, she was living with the guy.

She was living with homie already. And she was yelling at me at the gas station. I bet you're having a great time with these girls. blah blah blah blah I think that you should be a father and you should be willing to work this out and I thought about it for two minutes I go you want to work this out let's work this out and she goes okay tomorrow lunchtime at your house I'll meet you at the condo and I said all right and I went by joe cotches that night and I was kind of excited and I ate a fucking couple's annexes and I went by my girlfriend's house and did some blow we got fucked up we started fucking and sucking

and the next day I woke up it was two in the afternoon so I never met my ex-wife and when I got there was a note that said fuck you but that that changed everything again it was a fucking decision that was just something that happened I was planning on going over there and talking to I really really was in my heart but I guess those annexes were a lot stronger than what I thought they fucking knocked me out some Valiums or some shit that that I had but it was weird this is all going now and now and I'm and I'm a comic at this point I got money put away I got some credit cards I'm hustling a little bit.

I lost my job as a roofer. Because it was your ex-wife. Because it was my ex-wife. I lost my job at the comedy club because I was doing comedy. So I was basically selling neon for my friends part-time. Like two, three days a week,

pick up an extra 800. But my spending was fucking out of control because I was dating. So when you're first dating a chick, you're spending fucking every night we're going out of dinner. We were doing something every night for dinner or going to a bar and drinking.

Plus she didn't know I was doing Coke. So I'd get a package just to hang out with her and her friends. I was 28, 29. Her friends were 21, 22. She just got out of college. But I did stand up on Tuesdays in those days and on Saturdays. There was a club all the way on the other side, Littleton,

and I would drive like 40 minutes all the way there and it was a huge stage guys it was intimidating as fuck and the guy would always put me up after the headliner the guy hated me so he would put me up after the headline and how he would eat the biggest bag of dicks but i i kind of know what i was doing like that whole year at the boulder broker i had no idea what i was doing as a comic not at all i remember coming out dressed as madonna one time she did the vogue video with the tits I remember having like the cups for tits. I was just, remember we're talking about finding your voice as a comedy?

I was just finding my voice. And I made it. I think I was the host there from January of 92. And then I got fired December of 92. There was all new management and stuff. There was a new manager assigned to comedy and all the entertainment. And that guy just didn't like me. And he would break my fucking balls every Tuesday.

about this or that or this or that so the broker has a bunch of books when you walk into the broker in those days at bookshelves and he kept bugging me bugging me i told him get the fuck away from me because he had a few cocktails and he got in my face and he was like the next time you go up on stage you're fucking curse right off the bat and i go listen get the fuck away from me and i pushed him I pushed him against the shelf and all the books fucking fell off the shelf. There was books everywhere. And he goes, you're fired. So he fired me. And something else happened. That girl from New York, that happened to the girl I was dating from Kansas. She went to New York.

So I started to date her roommate. You're a man of convenience. No, no. It just never ended. And this is the crazy thing, that the girl, her roommate, was really, really hot. And she had a boyfriend. And me and this girl went to a wedding. My girlfriend at the time, and she had the wedding.

She breaks it to me. She goes, by the way, I got a job in New York. I'm leaving in three weeks. And when we go back to the house, the girl is there with her boyfriend, and he's talking about how I got a job in Seattle. I'm leaving them. I'm like, you're leaving this hot piece of ass here? You're crazy.

My girlfriend was hot, but the roommate was torture. And sure enough, when her boyfriend left and my girlfriend left, we're the only ones that do each other. So I got her a job of Boulder Toyota, and then I went back to Boulder Toyota with her. So we started selling cars. So her and I kind of became tight. And one day she would always say to me,

when are you going to show me your dick? And I would go, whenever are you going to show me your pussy? And she goes, all right, let's walk over to a car. We went by a car one day. She was going to show me a monkey, and a customer came. And she's like, we'll take this some other time.

And we became friends, and I was doing stand-up. And she was such a good friend to me. I didn't have the money, but she got me tickets for Seinfeld. Seinfeld was really hot at the time. As friends, she just bought me tickets for Seinfeld. And we went, we had dinner. You know, I bought dinner, and then we went to, like,

she got, like, really expensive tickets for Seinfeld. Like, we were, like, in the second row. And I remember, like, heckling Seinfeld, like, asked him, like, a question, like, the asshole that I am, like, to be cool. Like, I asked him, like, where's Kramer or something? I'm like, I didn't fucking know guys, you know. I can't imagine you doing that.

Yeah, I didn't know. I didn't know what the fucking rules were at the time, but comedy or heckling or whatever, you know. But it's so funny, I went into this. When I got fired, I had already exhausted all my credit cards, and I was broke. I was flat broke. My ex's boyfriend sent two guys to beat me up.

and I got one of him and he broke my rib and I fucking fucked him up and we put him in the trunk of a car with a cop and we dropped him off at the hospital my life was fucking crazy and my roommate was cool he let me live with him and you know he didn't charge me rent a few months but I was just in a deep fuck like I had crashed my ACura I couldn't get around I was gonna make Mike Kessel leave the keys in an ACRA open so I could take the rims off his car I was just living in this house. A friend of mine called me from Jersey, and we started talking, and he goes, you know what, man, you sound like shit. While I send you a plane ticket, and you come back and stay with me for a while, get your head together.

And I said, you know what, man, when you're broken, there's two things you can do. Either you go to psychiatry or you go home. And I went with me, I went home. I hadn't been home in such a long time. It had been beat up between the divorce, comedy, prison, just everything. I had just been beat up.

So I went back home. And I figured I'd do some fucking comedy when I went back home. And I stayed with him for about a month. I just got high. I went and did a couple open mics from here to there. And then I moved to Cliffside with a friend of mine. So I lived in a two-bedroom apartment

with Georgie and his grandmother. And Georgie was fucking on heroin. And I got a job driving limos. And I still didn't know what comedy was about. But if I didn't know what comedy was about at that point, I was about to find out that New York was completely different than dinner. Like it was completely different, guys. And were you kicked out of the Comedy Works at this point?

No, no, no. At this point, I hadn't even been at the Comedy Works. I started at the Comedy Works, and I was doing spots at the Comedy Works. I had even nothing, nothing. I was doing the broker, this room in Littleton, and Jimmy Abedah would give me room from time to time. This guy, Jimmy Abed, would call me and give me a room. here for 40 bucks room here

when I went to New York bro that was misery if I thought doing comedy was hard that was a fucking wake-up call they didn't give a fuck about nothing it was either bring five people with you you're not getting on fucking stage period

good night and the rooms that did have you don't have to bring people were just horror shows you just want to go on stage and stab yourself fourth during the afternoon open mics and hamburg or Harries or something. Like, I did it more. Like, The Catch a Rising Star,

you had to go get a token and stand on line for five hours. Like, I tried them all, and I'm like, this is fucking brutal. This is brutal. And my friends would knock around and try to get me into rooms,

and I would do a, like I would do a, like, a restaurant. I would just eat a bag of dicks. I was terrible. I was terrible. But, Here's the funny thing. You said something before when I went to the bathroom.

When I was in New York, like the first couple months when I went back, I worked as a deli clerk. I went right back to the heart of North Bergen. And all the kids I had grown up with would not go into this deli. And here I was 10 years later after high school working at this deli.

You want to talk about feeling bad? And they're all successful in kids and shit. I'm working in the deli. And I'm like, I'm doing comedy and they're like, yeah, right. It's going to work out for you. Nobody, like everybody would just go, yeah, right. Guess who are the only people that believed of me?

My criminal buddies. I had two or three criminal buddies that when they found out I did stand-up comics, their dicks got hard. One in particular. One in particular that he would push me. did you get on stage today? You got to get on stage. And he'd be fucking, this coat would be dripping out of his nose

why he'd tell me. And then it got to the point where he would tell me, I want to start going and watching you. I want to go watch you do stand-up. You ever see the movie? There's a movie with Chas Palm and Terry. They muscle it on a play, and fucking Chaz tells the writer what to do.

And it's right. He's a better writer than the writer. He turns out to be a great writer. Even the writer goes, you're a great fucking writer. That was me. Like I would like a like a like that was him. He fucking knew everything about stand-up. And we would go, what are you doing tonight, Cokes?

Nothing. Let's go into the city. Let's pick up a bag of Coke. And let's go watch you do comedy. And I would go, you fucking serious. I had him. I had this guy, Darren Rago. That was a full-time fucking savage.

But he would do anything. If I told him I needed a ride to the Bronx to do comedy he would fucking tell his wife I'm driving him to the Bronx I don't give a fuck about work I had this other guy Jimmy Berkel he's dead god rest of the soul he's the one I went to Colorado with Jimmy Berkel would pick me up every Tuesday afternoon and he would drive me down the shore and eat dinner at his house and then he'd drive me to rascals and I do the open mic and I die a bag of dicks and he would laugh at the way back in the car like you you got no chance of doing this shit I'm just

kidding you go you're pretty you were the funniest day tonight. In fact, his wife put up a picture about a year ago of me with a suit on, on stage, had a strip club with sparkles behind him. He had driven because there was a strip club after Rascals that did comedy until like midnight.

So he was a window washer in the city, so he would drive all the way down the shore and back to the city every day. So I had to deal with him on Tuesdays. I'll come down with you, go on the boat, we'll go fishing, and then we'll go back to your house. I'll take a shower, and he would drive me to Rascals, south.

and I would do the open mic at the bar. Eat a bag of dicks. Eat in bags of dicks guys in front of my friends. And I didn't know. And I had Judy Carter's workbook. And every night, cocaine was $35 a gram. You know how cheap that is? No.

It was it normally. 80. Damn. It was $35. $25. There was Coke for $35 that was uncut and $25 that was cut. That was still good. So I would buy Coke every night go home and read Judy Carter's handbook and Jean Parade's workbook and all those things.

And I would do the exercises all fucked up like I knew what I was doing. And I would wake up the next morning and go, this is never going to fucking work out for me. And just the New York comedy scene sucked. For me at the time, it sucked. It was hardly. Like I would get spots at the New York Comedy Club like, all right, you're doing 115. And then you're doing 215 in the bowling room. and then four in the fucking back room

and you're like four in the morning? Yeah, like it was crazy like I just I was like I can't fucking do this shit anymore man and that September I was driving a limo

I wasn't working at hashways anymore and I decided to fucking go to your old triple in just fucking open mic that I had become friends with the guy so the thing started at 11 and if you got there you had to get there like a nine to sign up for 11 and you would still be number 60 because the guy had all his friends

you know guys that are probably famous today that i don't even know that they went there this is 20 25 years ago so i would go there sign my name and then come back at two and just die lee there'd be like four people in the audience one of them getting a hand job it was horrible like You just, just thinking about it makes me want to fucking cry. Like, I was like, what am I going to do in my fucking life? I'm 30 years old. I'm cracking jokes. I'm driving a limo.

I'm delivering sandwiches. What the fuck? And I went in there after this beating, and I saw John Ligazama went there at two in the morning. And everything I had read in all those books, and everything I had read in all those Lenny Bruce books and Richard Pryor books, and everything I read in the Judy Carter book, all clicked. And I've been leaving there going, number one, I'm leaving New York. That's number one.

I'm leaving New York. I'm not doing this no more. I'm going back to Denver and I'm going to become a comedian. I got the fucking formula. I know how I'm going to do this now. And I had to do it. But by that time, I was $20,000 in debt. What year is this, do you think?

This is September of 83, 93. So you're halfway into the... I'm two years into comedy It just hit me. Just hit me what I got to do. Now I know the fucking formula. Now I know how I have to put my head. I got to put blinders on.

And this is how I have to do it. And I'm like, how the fuck am I going to get out of here? Because I couldn't go back to Colorado because I owed an attorney $10,000. I owed like three months in child support. I mean, I was just broke. I had two suits. white shirt had a wash the same shirt every night and ironed it I mean I was that broke

I had like three pair on the west three pair of socks three pair of jeans I'm like if I go back to boulder this attorney knows I'm back in town without his 10 grand I'm dead so I went back to what I knew best I had a friend of mine who had a DEA jacket and he got me a gun and he knew he goes this what we gotta do we got to follow these guys and this guys so for about three weeks I would do the limo business but I would hang out with him in the daytime and we'd case out guys and the first guy we robbed

basically got paranoid and he pulled over and ran away from the car and that's the first guy we robbed and then the second guy we robbed we actually kicked in the door and tied people up and that type of shit

and that was scary I think I got like 9,000 out of that so altogether I think I got about 19,000 I paid the attorney off I paid some child support I paid some other miscellaneous bills I bought some clothes but I was still a little bit light

I was still a little bit light and the Jets were playing the fucking Philadelphia Eagles in Jersey and I said you know what just from my previous experiences I'm betting fucking the Jets the Jets were getting like two points at home

you could check it out and you could check out September or October of 93 Jets against Philadelphia and they knocked a cunning Cunningham out. Cunningham was everything Philadelphia had. The jets knocked them out and they won and I covered. And they ended up winning like three fucking grand.

And that's how I got home. I still remember the last weekend before I got home. I went to buy cocaine. I was staying in Clifside. And I had a car that was loaned to me from a Nissan dealer. A friend of mine worked at a Nissan dealer. I moved to Cliffs and he's like, dog, for a hundred a week, I'll get your brand new Nissan with a plate.

And I said, okay, and I gained the hundred bucks, and I knew I was leaving. I wanted to take care of some loose ends. And I'll never forget going to the city, the cop, some Coke, at this random building. Like, just think of going to, you know, San Diego to get Coke at a random building. October 5th. The Philadelphia Eagles at the Jets. And the Jets beat them by... It says the Eagles won, 3530.

Yeah, they didn't cover. That's what it was. They didn't cover. They were giving seven or something like that. Oh, shit. Something. I lucked out something fucking big. But I took that money,

and when I went back to the Nissan store to bring back the car, but hold on to this. I go with the Nissan. I parked on 181st Street. What happened? It says the Jets were minus one. Something crazy. That's crazy.

Something crazy, and I bet something really weird crazy. So I knew they were getting points at home, and I did something that I want. And fucking, I went to get Coke at this building in Harlem. And I hear Coco, Coco, and it's this girl that they called Mindy Head in high school. They called Mindy Head. She was a good-looking girl, and they said she gave head. I never knew. She never gave me head.

I never knew it. She was older than I was. She was like three years older than me. She's like, you got to bail me out. And I'm like, what's the problem? Mindy? She's like, I met this guy at a bar, and he's outside. And he wants me to go home with him, but he's kind of creepy.

He's got a gun. I go, Mindy, are you fucking crazy? I just want to go home in pieces. She's like, come on. Chilch, please, let me go back in the car with you. And I try to avoid her. Like, Mindy, let me go upstairs and do what I have to do. We're going to come back down because you're causing a scene in the fucking building.

And these people don't like scenes in their fucking buildings. They're upstairs in the fourth floor selling Coke. I go go outside and stop causing a scene. and I went upstairs and I was upstairs for like 20 minutes I figured Mindy head would leave when I got downstairs

she shook the guy and she was down there waiting for me and I remember going come on Mindy and I gave her a ride back and I go where are you staying and she's like I'm staying at the Fort Lee Hotel so we went back to the Fort Lee Hotel

and I remember she kept telling me all night I'm not going to suck your dick don't even think about it like from the minute we walked in and she's like I'm not going to suck your dick don't even think about it and at that point you know what Mindy

like I liked Mindy but Like I heard they used to do torturous things to her. They would put her in a car and drive like two hours out of town and say, you got to blow everybody in the car, we'll drop you off here. Like, they used to torture her in high school like that to pull him in the head. So I didn't want to bust her balls. And I remember that she goes, you could sleep with me if you want.

And I went in the bedroom, and then take my clothes off. I looked at the bed and there was like a pubic hair. And I was like, I don't want to sleep here. And I got my car and left. I never saw Mindy Head again. But when I went to bring back the car, car. My friend was selling a car to a Puerto Rican girl. And I started talking to the girl. She had a boyfriend with her. And I started talking to the girl when she had a boy. And one thing,

one thing happened to another. The girl gave me her number. And I started talking to the girl. For like a month, she would call me and I would call her. And one day she called me out of the moon. She goes, me and my boyfriend aren't dating no more. You know how we started talking about Denver? Because she wanted to move to Denver to be a drug counselor. So I ended up moving with this girl to Denver and she was a drug counselor. And on the way, whatever happened, we swapped some spin. And we kind of became a couple.

We moved in together in Denver for about four weeks. This is crazy shit. Like, here I am doing comedy. And I get this girlfriend, I'm moving in with her. And she has no idea I'm doing drugs. No idea. And what do you tell her like, oh, yeah, I hate drugs too. Yeah, say no to drugs.

I'm part of there. Fucking crazinessly. I'm part of terror. And she throws me out. She goes, that's it. We can't date no more. This is too crazy. You're doing drugs.

And I got a place in fucking Boulder. And it had to be like December of 93 at that point. It was right before the fucking holidays. I got a place in Boulder. I got a job selling cars. And I would make them give me $1,000 advance if they wanted me to hire me in a car because I spoke Spanish. and the Spanish market was heating up. And guys, I dove into comedy

like I never dove into anything in my life. Like I got the notebook. I had the goals. I was out every night. The worst case scenario, I did poetry night. That was worst case scenario. I would go to a poetry night and go in there and they'd do three minutes and they say like a dirty joke

and they would tell me to leave. But I would not tell. The same way I was addicted to Coke that I would wake up and go, how am I getting money for Coke today? I would wake up and go, where am I getting on stage tonight? Next thing you know, I started making waves, like little waves. Like people started calling me. Remember in Denver, I was making $30, $18.

The Black Room gave you $15 and three drink tickets on Saturday. El Torito gave you a $25 gift certificate and a free dinner. So it was a different comedy scene. So I All in 94 dog I remember just hustling And then June of 94

I got a call from Jimmy Abbey That HBO was looking for three comedians To open up for Carlos Rincere On the HBO tour He was doing So we had to do three shows With two shows

New Mexico Colorado Springs and Denver And Jimmy sent my tape in And I got on And I saw Boom right off the bat. So now everything in my life was shit. I was still a drug addict, you know, I was having problems with my wife, but the comedy was on point. Like I was starting to make

strides. I was starting to do spots at the last, comedy works, little spots, you know. I was fucking doing spots for this guy, Bill Bauer, every other Thursday at this club. I was a little working comic. Was I paying bills? No. I was making anywhere from five to 600 a month. But at least I was in it. Now I was hooked. It was like a drug. I was in it to win it.

And I was doing about 16 spots a month. But at the same time, I was taking a beat with my wife, with the attorneys and the money. So I took a job. I had gotten fired from this job before for doing coke on the job. But I got... I worked for a sports betting service, and the guy ran it like Hitler. He was very good. He was two Jewish guys.

They were very good at what they did. A.J. Benza worked for them in Long Island. When you worked for them, you got really good at what you did. They fired me the first time around. But when I went back to Colorado and something happened, one of their top guys quit and started his own company. Kurt, who was smart and Jewish, didn't want me to go to that company. So he goes, what would it take you to come back here?

Write down what you need every month, and I'll pay you that plus extra. if you come work here. So I threatened it with Almanini for a while. Like, I'm going to go work for Al. And then Kurt said, I'll give you the money. So Kurt gave me the money. So now I was pretty much set.

I made Kurt pay for an attorney for me to see my baby. The guy's name was Barry Seiko. He was a really good attorney in Boulder. So he started leveling shit off for me. So it got leveled for a while. 94 was a great year comically because I was committed to it. Like I knew that this is it. Everything else was just back.

brown music at this point i knew i was on to something the carlos mcinea thing carlos gave me his number you know i put you said to me i give people second chances i put carlos on this podcast that time because of what he did to me in 93 and 94 you follow me even the 97 carlos put my name down to for me to showcase at the store so whether he's a joke thief yeah all that stuff that's true but he also did help me and i can't take that that away from him. That's why I put him on the podcast because of what happened between us in 94. He was really good to me after they told me to call him if I had any problems or if hadn't it. And I didn't abuse it. I called them when I had a serious comedy question. Right. So that's

when I called. But the shit with my ex-wife and me was heating up. It was horrible. So now it's December of 94. I'm fucking rocking and rolling money wise. I had the best money. I had the best money Money-wise, I had, I think I made 60 grand in December from sports betting. In December? Yeah, December is your biggest month. Jesus. You have basketball, right? You have pro basketball, college basketball, pro football, and college football bolts and hockey.

That's the apex of gambling is December and people hustle to make money for the holidays. Jesus Christ. Oh, I was getting paid, but all my money went to attorneys. every time you pick up that phone to complain it's 400 so I was getting $3,000 bills a month from an attorney late you have no fucking idea

so everything is running smooth everything's running great and I get a letter handwritten letter a week before Christmas that I'm not getting the baby till December 30th and I went nuts so I'm like what do you mean I'm not getting the baby

on Christmas they're going away I'm like, they can't go away. Read the divorce agreement. And they go, no, they're going away. And I called this Barry Saco guy. I'm like, hey, man, look at the fucking annulment. They can't leave the state without written permission from the court. And Barry's like, it's the 23rd.

There's nothing I could do. It's the 23rd December. I can't call an emergency or whatever. I said, really? Okay. And I got off the fucking phone. And I stood in that little apartment. and the apartment the size of this.

And me going back to New York put me back together. It made me the person I was before I left. I wasn't fearful anymore. That's what going home does fear. It takes away that fear. That's why when I went home, I put together the pieces of my comedy career

because I knew exactly what I had to do now. I remember when I went home, this is how you do things. You don't do things how people tell you. You do things, you grab things by the balls, and you fucking go for it. And I had the same thing. with the divorce.

Like I was pissed that I was spending all this fucking money on an attorney. I didn't have this money for an attorney. I was fucking pissed. You know,

I'm spending good money on attorney because you want to play games because you don't want to give me the kick because there was dog hair in the corner. You know, shit like that because you found out I was dating a stripper.

Like you had the judge, she had, she thought she could judge me on all this shit. So that Christmas Eve morning, that Christmas, that next morning I woke up and in my house I had never cooked

I had one of those little knives and a fork and just beer and water in the refrigerator and I got in my little fucking car and I went over to the Cuban's house and they had one of those knife racks and she was home and I go my day

I'm cutting some meat at the house can I borrow a knife from you and she kind of looked at me weird she goes yeah yeah yeah yeah and it was like you know you have a set of knives that big fucking butcher knife you have I took that thing and I put it under my jacket I go, I'm going to kill John.

I was going to kill my ex-wife's husband, wanting for all. I said, that's it. I'm not taking these people's shit, no more. I go, listen, man, I've got a fax machine, and I'll send jokes to Jay Leno. That was my plan,

because Jay Leno was paying $25 a joke then. Did they have a fax machine in prison? Yeah, they'll let you have a fax machine in prison. You could fax it from the warden's office or whatever. In my mind, I was going to go to prison and fax jokes. I drove the baseline I walked past the receptionist downstairs like I was gonna kill the motherfucker

she's like come back come back yeah come back my ass I went upstairs I fucking opened the door like I hold the joint and the reception with the man I go where's John and she didn't know I was pissed she was like John Ball she goes

you just missed him he went out for lunch and I was like and then I didn't know what to do the security came up and there's a problem I go I thought a friend of mine was stuck up here and I walked out to the car with the knife

and I broke down in the car and started crying. I was like, I was just going to kill a motherfucker. I was just about to do life in fucking jail to kill this motherfucker. And I cried in the car for like 30 minutes and I drove the knife back. And the next morning I got a call. Like somebody must have told John I was down there

because the next morning when I woke up I had a page from my ex-wife were dropping the kid off at 11. They knew I was a little. and fucking around. They dropped the kid off. And again, I had no money for Christmas. I had to go shoplift toys.

And I decorated the apartment. And I remember that there was, I went to Kmart. And next to Kmart, there was a Christmas tree place. And they had Christmas trees outside. And they said, take a tree, just leave the money and the thing.

And I went over, and I took the most expensive tree, like the one Henry Hill brought home and Goodfellas with snow on it and shit. And I went over. over to the envelope and it was like 200 bucks and then I took the cash with me. That's how much of it degenerate I was.

I took that cash and I bought Chinese food for Jackie and I Scots taped the walls and I did a bunch of shit and when she came, oh we had a pretty fucking good Christmas. And that's how I made Christmas. But that motherfucker was looking at and stab him. But right

off the bat, like that next day I got a call from a friend of mine, Rick Currance. And he said that he had a gig for like Riverton, Wyoming or something like this. The first week after New Year's, like January 5th and 6th, that type of shit, fourth and fifth. Lee, it was the coldest I had ever experienced in my life. I had never experienced cold weather like that, ever, ever.

It was two feet of snow and all four shows were sold out. It was like a barn with heaters. That's fucking crazy. And the green room must have been cold. There was no green room. What fucking green room are you talking about? There's no green room. There's no green room.

In those days, there was a barn in fucking Rivetton, Wyoming. You don't even know what green room is. What green room are you talking about? I don't know, but I was because we were talking at the beginning of the podcast about how, like, you just get caught up in something and something happens. That was you. You got so into your head that you almost killed somebody. And if he had decided to finish one thing before lunch, you might have.

I might have been done. That's fucking crazy. Two days later, my phone rang. My page went off, and it was recurrence giving me that gig. And I was like, thank God I didn't kill them. Yeah. You know, thank God. And then I was at the sports betting service one night on the Monday night,

and the phone call came in, and I was waiting for all my life. It's so funny. Now, now we goof on it. I got a call from David Tribble. When David Tribble called you, you had made it. Like, that's it. David Tribble is a booker that books the Pacific Northwest

anywhere from Seattle anywhere from like the Canadian border all the way out to Montana his reach goes all the way out to like the in those days it went all the way to the Dakotas a little bit of Nebraska all of Wyoming

all of Colorado a little bit of New Mexico a lot of fucking Nevada a lot of Nevada nothing in Las Vegas like Elko Nevada and winter muck of Nevada and winter muck of Nevada The places that you've never even heard of and you don't want to go to,

like you don't want to go to win a muck in Nevada, the casino there. Like all those casinos are like, ooh, people with oxygen masks and people have dead and shit like that. So when Tribble called me, Tribal called me, he goes, hey, I got a gig for you.

But if it works out, I'll have all the work you want in the world. And he goes, I got to fall out in the broker tomorrow night. So I had been banned from the broker. I had been thrown out for pushing that manager when the books fell down. of the shit.

Okay. But now he goes, you're going back there tomorrow night. And if you do good, I'll throw the book at you. I'll give you the rest of my fucking work for the year. And I invited all my friends down there,

packed the place. And when I got down there, there was one manager now that was in charge of comedy, and I used to do coke with him all the time. So I went back and I go, though, you got to give me a good report. He goes, dog, I got your headlining next time.

He gave me, like, flying colors. So it's not, You know what I'm saying? Like, I could have bombed. And he wrote a report that said I did great. He sent it to Tribble. The next day I called Tribble, I followed up. He said, let me see what opens up.

I didn't hear from fucking Tribble for months. I was pissed. I was fucking heartbroken, man. I was fucking heartbroken. And one night I'm driving back from a gig, and he called me like midnight. And he goes, where are you? I'm driving back from my gig. I'm at a pay phone.

And he goes, give me a fax number. Just going on the road tomorrow morning. I didn't even have a fa. I didn't even know who the fax. I had a call somebody who had a fax. And he gave me a fax. And he put me in Ogden, Utah. He put me in a couple places.

He gave me like a week first. And I did that week for him. And I rented a car. And like I told you, the universe works for you. I became friends with a guy at the sports betting service and not a lot of people would talk to. He was very introverted, but he was from Long Island. Everybody called him Ratso Rizzo.

Razzo was the best salesman in that fucking sales, that sports betting company. He was brilliant. Ratso Rizzo weighed 400 pounds. He was a sweetheart. He was very ashamed of it. Because at night, him and his girlfriend just went home. At that time, there was a company in Boulder

that would deliver homemade cookies and ice cream to you. Oh, my God. And he would order it every night. He would tell me, dog, I ordered it all four. Because they had combinations. Like butter pecan with chocolate chip coconut. Or, like, vanilla swirl with oatmeal. Each cookie was to everything.

He would send them to my house, like the cookies. Like, he was cool as shit with me, Rizzo. Rizzo also did something else. Rizzo was my friend that I could ask him for anything. Like, I told him one day that I had a, problem with cocaine. I told him the truth and he was making so much money in the office that I would just say it on Rizzo, I need a hundred bucks. And he would give it to me and he goes, I'm putting it on a tab. Someday you'll pay me this money. Every fucking Tuesday night he would

give me a right home and I go I need 200, 300, 300. So after a few weeks of renting cars and going on the road, a friend of mine worked a national rent a car and he would rent me cars cheap. I had to get a car. I didn't know what the fuck to do. And Mike Kessler, who's been on the podcast, he got me a car. He goes, I found you at Dotson, 210. It's six years. It was beautiful.

It was like, I don't know what year it was, but I had like 80,000 original miles. It was a four-door little car. I think the owners won like a thousand bucks for an $800 bucks. And I had to get insurance and shit. But I had like three days to get the money. I didn't have the money. Remember I told you when you commit to the universe? I went to Rizzo like a man.

I'm going to go Rizzo, I'm going to bind. I want to buy this car right away. He's like, let me buy your Mustang. Like, that's the type of guy he was. He's like, I don't want you in a car. I'm never on the beat up car. I go, no, bro. He went, we looked at the car.

He paid for the car. Holy shit. And he bought me that car. He goes, that's my investment in you. Hopefully one day you'll be able to pay me back. He bought me a Dotson B-210. And that was my open. Mike, I fucking went on the road for Tribble after that.

I used to stay on the road in Idaho till midnight and then drive all night to see my daughter at 2 o'clock. I wouldn't sleep at all. I would drive all fucking night. And at this time, it's like April, and I'm starting to get spots at the fucking Comedy Works. Now I'm starting to get star spots. Fucking star spots. I'm like, holy shit. That means I'm getting 10 minutes spots.

That means I'm going to be a regular any fucking day now. So, you know, me and my wife, we would go back and forth. Like, it would be okay for four months. Then there would be drama for four months. Then we'd be okay for four months. Well, we were cool for like four months. We were cool until about April. And then she started with a shit about changing the baby's name or something shit.

And he had said something to me one day. He came up to me. The boyfriend said something about taking it to a movie. And I spit in his face. When I found out, they said the two guys to beat me up, I just didn't want him even as a friend. Like, don't even talk to me, bro. I know exactly what you did.

You sent two people to beat me up. Now you're parading you around like a good person. I don't like you people at all. Both of you don't need to say a fucking word to me. And I was just looking for an excuse. Like, they were both getting on my fucking nerves constantly. I kept getting these letters from lawyers and shit of what I could do and what I couldn't do. And they didn't know how thin they were.

writing on clear, like they were fucking walking on thin ice. Like, I was doing well in comedy, but I was also struggling. Like, I was fucking struggling, guys. I didn't have leasures. I was delivering fucking Chinese food. You know, I was struggling. Like, I was struggling, and I liked comedy.

It took my mind off things. But I was still struggling. I was still in pain. That was my daughter. I mean, you don't know what pain is till you smell your daughter and she smells like another man. You have no.

idea what pain is to that's what pain is you know so that's where all that stand that was coming from that fucking pain I was going through but usually somebody has to pay for that fucking pain so one day I was fucking picking her up from daycare and she asked me something about a beater and spick she says whenever you call the house John always says the bean is on the phone and I never forget being in the car that day going you know what man this motherfucker's going down today. I don't give a fuck about jail. I don't give a fuck about prison. I don't give a fuck about anything. And I had to meet him and I say for you and I showed up and I left the

baby in the car and I went up to him and I said, tell me the truth. Tell me you said it. You'll be off the hook. And he kept saying, I didn't say it. And I'm saying so you're calling my daughter, you're a stepdaughter or liar. Just say you said it. You're off the hook. And he goes, I'm calling the police, so I smacked them twice. I punched them in the head one time, and I smacked them another type. And I'll tell you what, that smacked, I felt so liberated.

Like every piece of pain I had my body went away after I smacked them in the fucking head. The cops came, they didn't arrest me, they gave me a ticket, and I got away with it again. But the beauty of it was, my daughter was in the car and she was crying. And I saw that, and I go, again.

She doesn't need this shit. That's when I really started realizing things. Like, you know what, man? I didn't fucking kill him. I got these gigs. I was broke. I was doing drugs. It was right around the time the guy blew up Oklahoma City.

That happened that year. Nirvana. All this shit was going on. It wasn't affecting me, but what was affecting me was my battle with my wife. And now I fucking smacked this guy. Now I got to go to court. Then my wife tried to pull some other civil.

shit on me, some of the civil shit. And I went to court, believe it or not, I caught a break and I beat him in court. I beat him in court. The judge was like, the next time you don't show up with the kid, it's contempt and this and this and this. And I say the story a thousand times, when we walked out of that courtroom, I just unloaded on him, her attorney, and they tried to get the arresting officer from my case in to testify against me that I was up to something. I laid into that motherfucker too I just went off I didn't give a fuck about cops or judges

what time I told the attorney what I thought of her I told my ex-wife what I thought of her I fucking said things I shouldn't have said I said a bunch of shit in front of her boy and it was so funny because by the time they walked in a car the boyfriend was 10 feet away from her

his face was red and she was crying I called the attorney a cunt 80 times I called the cop a fucking cunt 80 times He kept saying say another word and I kept talking. I go, you can't arrest me for talking. You can't arrest me for telling the truth. I'm just telling you what I feel. And when I got in the car, I broke down because I had one, but I had really lost.

Because you didn't have a daughter. I had my daughter. Now I could get my daughter, but what good is I going to do? I'm not a fucking father. I couldn't even take care of myself. I couldn't even fucking, I would pay the rent. You know, I would pay the rent. I would call Bill Bower and go, Bill, I don't have $4 an ounce for the rent.

Give me gigs. And he would pay my rent, and I would do the gigs, make up the gigs in the month. He would give me like Wyoming, Greeley, and something else in Denver. And that's how I paid my rent. I barely was paying fucking rent, man. But I started getting work. And I got a weekend in Baltimore, and I drove to Baltimore. And the guy kept me for another week.

Wow. And then I got a week, Todd Jordan. we were supposed to go to the Bahamas. I got a week in the fucking Bahamas with Todd Jordan. And I was supposed to take the flight like on a Tuesday. He was going to Florida to do like two gigs

and then I was going to meet him in Miami on Wednesday. While he was doing the gig Monday and night, he got appendicitis. And they had to do emergency surgery. So I lost the gig for the Bahamas. And then I got a call from Wendy. I call on a Monday.

for spots to open up for George Lopez, two star spots, and I got a call back from Wendy two days later. She goes, you've been banned from the club for sexual harassment because you grab some girl's ass. I didn't grab nobody's ass. And that went back and forth. And I just had nothing going on. What am I going to do?

Stay in Denver and do what? So this is the first five years of my open mic career. So I went to Michigan. I met a girl in Michigan. She told me on the way to Seattle, she was going to stop and see me. She came to Boulder. She stopped and seen me. And I realized, beside my daughter, why am I living in Boulder?

Why am I living in Boulder beside my daughter? To get abused. And then one day I took my daughter to the park and she had a bicycle. I had a bicycle and we were riding in this path. And she sped up away from me and I go, Jackie, stop. Slow down. And when I finally caught it, she spit in my face. And I was like, you know what?

Something's not kosher here. I'm not going nowhere here. And the girl kept calling me from Seattle saying she saw the underground and that the clubs around the corner from my house. And again, it's not what I did. It's a decision you make. I really wanted a second chance, right? So I said, fuck it.

I'll go to Seattle for the summer and do some comedy and come back in September. If you want me to lie to you guys, I'll lie to you guys. I know I wasn't coming back. I paid the rent until September to make myself come back in September. But then something happened. As I was getting ready to leave fucking Seattle, I got a call from John Fox to open up for Lori Kilmartin on Labor Day weekend. 1995 is a feature.

So it was going to be the first feature gig I ever got without anybody's help. I got it on my own talent. What would you do? Would you go back to Boulder or would you do the feature set? Because once I did the feature spot, now I feature that the underground. That means all the other bookers would give me work around the area. Now my life was that much easier. Now when I called you, I said, I just featured at the underground.

You could feature me now. From a comedy point of view, I understand it. But I also understand that leaving your family or your daughter. It was very rough. But, again, it was like going back to when I was fucking 16. what are the chances of me being a dad and getting it together at that time I was doing blow five nights a week and I was never going to I was fighting for something that I didn't want anyway I was making this big fuss in my head about this father

that I wanted to be and meanwhile I had no length to stand on the only thing I had going for me with stand-up comedy. And at one point, I couldn't. I got thrown out of the comedy works in Denver. There was no reason for me to go back. And once I got the gig in Seattle, like, I just got signs. I just kept getting signs of me to pursue what I was pursuing. You know, once I got the feature act there, I started getting work from Pat Wilson.

I started getting work from the other clubs. I started getting work from giggles. I got work from there was a guy that booked the improv, Alberta, a Cuban guy. now I was a working comic in Seattle. Right. I'm just thinking about the process you went through and what you called the A Blinken pants or clothes. Everything else you talked about was kind of cut and dry,

like this is good, this is bad. This is kind of the biggest one and also it's both sides. It's great for your comedy, but it's not on the other side. It could be a bad thing. Oh, I lost my daughter. Right now, how you have to look at it is, I lost a life to gain life. I didn't have a life.

Well, I lived in bold, I didn't have a life. I didn't have an identity. I was a convict. I was in the system. I was going to end up in the system. There was no way. Once you're in the system, it's very rough to get out of the system.

I had gotten out of the system, but I was treading on it. I was treading on that system. And I wasn't going nowhere. That's number one. Number two, I had to think about the child. I had to think about the child. I had to think about the child than what I had to offer the child.

What did I have to offer the child? 10 hours a week. I was always fucking high. I wasn't high when I was with her on cocaine, but I was probably high on marijuana. You know, just recently one day I was eating at Mercy somewhere. I think we're at McDonald's or something after a fucking swim session. And I had to ask myself something 20 years ago. That poor woman had to be crazy to give me that child for,

five hours. She must have been going through hell thinking what can he possibly do with that child. You know, like, that's the truth. That's the fact. You weren't the truth? I mean, I wasn't prepared to have a child for five hours twice a week. There was no way. There was no way. I had her one night in three years from 91 we separated. I stayed there until 95. One night. One night. I had her one night. I had her one night. In three years. from 91 we separated I stayed there until 95 one night my wife gave it to me

and at like one in the morning I had to go out and get a bag of Coke and I left her in the house with my roommate downstairs sleeping what could have happened guys I could have crashed on the way back I had no responsibilities

I didn't care about anything but my addiction and cocaine and comedy I love the child. I still love it today. I still love with all my heart today. I just wasn't ready to be a man then. So what side do you put this on them? Good or bad?

I'm in the middle. It's like a hypocritical move in a way. I had to give up a life to get a life. What do you think would have happened if you had stayed? I wouldn't be on a podcast right now. If I was staying, I would have been in prison right now. I've just been getting out for something for an assault or a drug violation or because it was just going to get worse on her angle She was already starting to make up lies my ex-wife

Like now the lies are starting to come out like she said something that really bothered me in court one time That was a lie flat out of lie She had no pictures no proof and if I did what I did you have proof And I knew I'm not the type of perk I told you something a couple weeks ago. You know, the difference is between my friends out here and my friends I grew up with, I never had to tell them something. I'm the same way. You don't ever have to tell me something. You don't ever have to tell me when to go. You don't never have to tell me when I went to stay. You don't ever have to tell me when I have to leave the room. I know it. I know when it's time to go.

I know when it's time to fold. Nobody's ever had it. That's a gift, knowing that, you know, again, I regret quitting basketball. It was the first time I proved to myself. I was a little But I regained that face when I stuck with comedy for 27 years. I never wanted to live in that position of not knowing what could have happened. If I would have quit comedy and just been a father and stayed in Boulder, you know what my income salary is in Boulder? There's a ceiling in Boulder, $12 now. I would have worked for the sports betting guys. They're disbanded today.

All those guys ended up crazy because they were dabbling in other people's karma. It was bad karma. It was selling bad information. All those guys ended up not in a good way. All those guys ended up not in a good way. So the decisions I made must have seemed a little rusty. Yeah, I was fucking doing armed robberies and I was in an open mic. There was a lot to pay for.

But I got out of my system. We'll keep it to 95 now. We'll do part two some other time. Okay. We have more time. I appreciate you guys listening. One more time. give a shout out listen man if you're really serious about your health you're

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to claim up to $1,000 in free play. All right, my bookie, you play, you win, you get paid, bitches. We'll be back Wednesday, ready to rock and roll. Don't forget, there's a few tickets left for the park casino in Philadelphia. I'm September 15th, September 14th. The 930 Club is sold out,

but they're going to add a 9.30 show. The will be sold out, but there's still tickets to Mohegan sun, bitches. So get your shit together. That's my only work. I'll see the rest of you guys next Saturday at the Ice House, 7.30. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. Have a great Monday. I hope you had a great summer. Happy Labor Day. Kick this meal, fucking Lee.

Never mentions the word addiction. Insert and calm. Yes. To tell you she's. She's an orphan after you meet her fam. She gives a smile across around.