The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #615 - Joey Diaz' first 10 years in comedy - Part 2 (1995-1999)

Episode Date: September 6, 2018

This podcast is the conclusion of the discussion Joey started in podcast #614 about his first 10 years as a comedian. In the previous episode Joey told us about the struggle of his first five years. This episode begins with Joey still struggling, but always improving and advancing. Joey also talks about the comedians he met along the way who inspired him (Doug Stanhope and Joe Rogan) and also about the ones who inspired him to not end up like they did. In this time Joey moves from Colorado to Seattle, and finally to Los Angeles and he tells us about the relationships he made, the experiences he had that changed his career, and how he always kept growing. This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.   FujiSports.com  - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount on all the best jiu jitsu and martial arts gear.    Recorded live on 09/05/2018.
  

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whether it's the super rito whether it's the the the whatever 2.0 the seco 2.0 i love my gees i love fuji if you're fat fuck fuji is the ghee for you the rash guard are tremendous they got a nice white light nice nice nice light one and it's beautiful it's white nice they got mats they got shingards they got mouthpieces go to fuji sports dot com right now and press in church bam i'm getting your 10% off the livid right the house right who you fucking think you're dealing with joey bananas kick this fucking muley september 6th you bad motherfuckers a little aerosmith for you are you doing lee got the wrong fucking jamming up the video instead of the song billy because he's an amateur look at the well i'm sorry don't worry about it just

skip this motherfucker going it's the church of what's happening now guys yes How old are you, Billy? You're 26. This is why this motherfucker watching Born and everything else. His mind is going as shit. But it don't matter. Here we go.

Fucking kidding me or what? A little fucking arrow smith on heroin? Nothing's better than that. Nothing. Fucking kidding me or what? Go to my name of six and three. I can't say baby well. It's amazing.

What's happened? You bad motherfucker. fuckers. Uncle Joey here with fucking the Christ killer. I took this week off just to I felt the last year and a half, two, three years listen I appreciate the emails. I appreciate the people

who are doing stand-up and the people were reaching for their whatever, but there's a lot of people out there that are just fucking misinformed you know, they have a dream but they think by meeting people or whatever that that dream gets accomplished. You know, everybody thinks that's the blue bird of happiness just knocks on your fucking door.

And it's really getting to me lately. Like lately it's been bothering me how people expect. I've never seen a time like this, you know? And then on top of that, we live in this internet time where everything's judged on the internet. And we're talking about second chances. And I was telling you guys about my first five years as an open mic or what I had gone through.

And, you know, I wasn't, it took me years to stop being a fucking criminal. and to let my criminal mind go, and it took me years to evaluate what the fuck I was going on. So it's 95. They get thrown out of the comedy works for sexual harassment. I got no relationship with my daughter. I'm just, listen, I was headed. Everything was shit in my life except for one thing.

Stand-up comedy. The thing I feared the most about getting into the thing I didn't want to get on stage and give it a try, This was the only thing that was working for me. I didn't want to get a job. Listen, I was done with jobs. At the age of 29, 28, 27, there was no day job I could fucking tolerate.

And to be honestly, that nighttime bartending shit, I didn't want to do that either. The only thing that made me happy was maybe smoking pot and working at the warehouse at night and having my days off. But I knew that the job situation was not working for me, but stand-up was. And even though I wasn't making a lot of money at it,

I was starting to make a little bit of money. And I always knew that before you can make a lot of money. You got to make a little bit of fucking money. So I met the stripper in fucking Detroit. And she was up in Seattle. So listen, guys, again, I had this fucking basement apartment. It was like Rocky's apartment. When you walked in there, you thought of Rocky.

The apartment, the house is there, but they read the apartment. I go back there and take pictures for you people. Just to show you. I ripped the wall down because I kept throwing empty bindles of coke behind the one wall. And one night I got so coked up. I thought I left coke in one of the bindles. So I ripped the wall down. I mean, that was a fucking mess.

But the only thing that was clicking was comedy. So I called David Tribble, who I had worked for for the last, you know, six or seven months. And I asked him what runs he had that would leap me off close to Seattle. and he gave me this run that ended in LaGrange, Oregon. I'll never forget that. And I said to him, how far is it from Seattle? He's like, I think it's like three hours or whatever. Fuck you, three hours.

It was like eight fucking hours. It was like the other side of Oregon or some shit. And I think it was called LaGrand or Grange or whatever. Forgive me, you know, my memory slips me sometimes. I'm no fucking man. But I did the week. It was like a four-day week, like a Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, in three different places.

I worked with a comic from Orange County, who was Captain Negativity. I told him I was moving to Seattle, and he was telling me how, you know, there was a waste of time, comedy was dying, that he was in a movie and nothing happened, and he lived in Orange County, and I asked him if he got up on stage, and he goes, sometimes on Sundays, if I stand at the improv they let me go up like a quarter to two like this guy was just capped in negativity he's like if I was you a quick comedy and by Friday I looked at him like you know what fuck this punk ass bitch do you think he was messing with you no he was that's all those guys in those days on triple runs were very disenchanted

they were L.A. guys that weren't getting spots and they would go on triple runs and just bitch and tell you how you had to be a fag to make it in L.A. how you had to suck somebody's dick, how you had a sleep of Mitzie Shore, how nothing was going to happen for you, you weren't going to make any money if you moved out here. It was just very negative. Those runs are very negative. You're working with the bottom half of comics that they're just disenchanted at the time. They were very disenchanted. This is a way to keep them relevant. And it's sad sometimes, the guys you work with, you know, that even as a feature act, I'm like, that guy's funny, but I don't want to be that guy.

And I had met, like, I had worked with a couple guys in Denver, but I had worked with this guy before I left Colorado. I did a couple one-nighters with him. He was a brilliant fucking comic, and when the person who gave me the job with him said this guy was going to be the next big thing at one time, but he was a gambler and a drunk and a drug addict. And I spent three days with this guy,

and I got to tell you something. the time I was a junkie and he scared me because he was the real fucking deal and guess what in like 99 he hug himself on New Year's Eve on the road God bless his soul wherever he is now it doesn't matter but those are the type of people you work with on the road you work with people that came out here tried it got fucked up got divorced and now just to keep their career alive they're just doing trouble runs and they're negative and they drink and they're nasty to be around and they tell you you're gonna fail and they'll go off on you like on Saturday night like you know you should quit now that stupid

joke you're doing sucked like they were just nasty fucking people I don't know what it was I don't know what it was and I don't remember like for me to sit here and I remember there were tribal headliners there were a few of them that were cool that were on they were on a journey to something And there were local San Francisco comics or local Seattle comics or local like Portland, Oregon comics. Those guys were cool. Like I met Dwight Slade, who was fucking Bill Hicks' roommate or whatever. They grew up together in Houston. I met him on a triple run.

And like in Portland, we did a hotel together and shit. So there was a lot of guys you met. But 50, 60% of them with disenchanted comics that lived in Los Angeles that weren't getting spots. so this guy like ate me alive like on Friday he got drunk and he was like you got no chance at this I'll never forget that and I'll never forget me brushing it off to alcoholism and a guy who had nothing going on because I had hosted at the Trouble Room I hosted for a year at the broker so I knew the comics that came in had you met Stanhope at this point at this point I had met Doug Stanhope Stanhope had stayed at my house the first time he featured in Boulder.

I just got separated and I had met Doug Stanhope. And then the second time he came to Boulder, he was a headliner. And he had just done evening at the improv. And then I lost contact with him. And there was another guy that came by that was a comic magician. That was very good to me. I let him crash at my house. And the next morning he woke up, he had a notebook in his fucking bag.

And he went to like the kinkos, type place and he made copies of all the bookers across the country that you could call. Like every name, every fucking phone number, like all that shit, what they booked, what clubs they had, what they wanted for you to work for them. Like, you met a lot of people that helped me along the way. You know, the bill by I'll never, ever, ever forget those people. The Rizzo's who I still owe money to. and he contacted me in like 2008 Rizzo

and he's like hey man I'm in dire straits can you help me and I was fucking flat broke and I go Rizzo you called me at a bad time because you mean to tell me with the movies and everything you have no money I got Rizzo I got no fucking money I'm living off residuals and I'm living off I wasn't even doing spots at the store no more I was living off your Rogan gigs some gigs that I was doing and I was just paying me I was remember I was

paying child support that was delayed and I was paying a $636 a month loan that my wife had to take out for all my drug use and all that shit so I was deeply in fucking debt you know this is the comedy game this is what we committed to so I bought that whole lifestyle hook line and sinker so by the time I left Boulder I was crushed guys I was crushed mentally I lost my daughter and you don't think I knew at that point, I knew at that point. So I do this triple run, and I end up in the Grange, and I was all packed. I went right from the stage to the fucking car and shot to fucking Seattle to meet my girlfriend. And I got to her apartment before she did.

She left the key under the mat for me. I took a shower where I unloaded my clothes. I parked my car, and she came home from the strip club, and I was in Seattle. And that was a Saturday night at 2 in the morning. By 1 o'clock in the afternoon, I was at the comedy underground. Are they even open then? You just had to go there? They weren't open. I just went out of there.

Okay. And I walked in front of the place, and I looked at the schedule, and I got goosebumps in my neck. You know, like I had read about this place and all these newspapers. And, you know, I still remember the Seattle. Supersonics being in the playoffs when I was a kid. And here I am in Seattle. Sound gardens here

Nirvana's here And well Ivana just shot himself Fucking the other Du Pearl Jam is there And here I am in Seattle So I fucking Went there on Sunday I got the phone number

And I kept calling the number And nobody would answer And then I went And they said the schedule For the open mic was Monday nights To come down and sign up And they'd see if they'd have room And I went down there

And I was very polite. And the guy said, what I'll do is because I dropped Rick Curns' name. Rick Curns gave me permission to drop his name. So he goes, when you go to Seattle, just use my name. Tell him, your friends with me to call, tell Carl to call me. So when I told Carl, Carl, Wormenheim, great fucking guy, said to me, just do six minutes up front. You're going to go up first. So I went up first, took a bullet.

He told me he liked me. He liked the one joke I did. But it was funny. That night, as I was sitting there, a kid came in with a Boston Red Sox hat on, a backwards hat on. He looked like he was a day over 21. And I went up to him and I said, you're from Boston. He goes, yeah, and the kid's name was Josh Wolfe. And it was July of 1995.

And he broke it down for me. He goes, I can't even talk right now. I got to go back to work. I'm a bartender up the corner. He goes, they just give me 15 minutes to come down here and do something. some time. So I walked them back to the bartend where he bartended. It was called a Lobo Loco. I walked him back to the bar and he laid down the whole fucking scene for me, what nights there were, who, you know, and he was well connected already. He had a manager in Seattle. He was already

the spokesman for Nintendo. Like Josh Wolf already was connected as a feature act in Seattle. So at first he was very standoffish. You know, I was right from the fucking street I was very aggressive I was very eager to learn you know and I showed up that Monday and then they told me about a couple of ladies to call and I called them up but the showcase I did Monday I called the guy by the name of John Fox and those days John Fox booked the San Francisco punchline he booked the Seattle Comedy Underground he booked Moscow Idaho and he booked Reno, a room in Reno, Tahoe area. And he was responsible for a multiple one-nighters,

Bellingham, Washington, but he was a big deal. He was well-known in the industry. He also ran the San Francisco comedy competition. So if you got in with him, you fell into a certain spectrum. So here I am, broken, broke, living with a stripper. I show up at the underground on Monday night. The guy puts me up, gives me six minutes.

I go home that night, get all the numbers from Josh Wolf. Tuesday morning, I wake up, I write all the numbers out, I go to the corner, and I fax everybody. I didn't have a fax machine. So in those days, you had to fax people your avails. Once a week or? Every Monday. 9 a.m., you had a fax people you avail. So I just fact time, my name is Joey Diaz.

I just moved here from Denver. I won the Beck's comedy competition. Can I do some work in your rooms and nobody fucking called me? I called John Fox and left him a message. And that Thursday I got a call from John Fox going, hey, are you available tomorrow and Saturday as a feature act? And I go, yeah, and he goes, you're featuring in Moscow, Idaho.

When I hung up the phone, I nearly came, cried, and shit my pants all at the same time, guys. Because in my mind, the chance I had taken leaving Boulder had paid off immediately. Like I was already featuring for John Fox. Now, don't get me wrong, guys. This was no fucking comedy underground. This place had a reputation for the college kids.

It was Moscow, Idaho. I'm the Washington. I can't even think about it. Whatever border. Idaho? Idaho border. And in fact, when I would go there, the quarterback, the future quarterback from New England was the quarterback up there.

He played Drew Bledso. Oh, really? Yeah. would go to whatever and I would see him at the airport and shit like that in Moscow Idaho because sometimes you had to pick the headliner up Moscow Idaho became like a second home for me anytime he had a cancellation he would send me to Moscow Idaho now Moscow Idaho was a hotel with a lounge and you did comedy in the lounge and the place got packed with college students and their job was to send you prairie farts which are shots of tequila with Tabasco with him

Jesus Christ. So the job of the audience was to send you shots till you couldn't even do your material. If you didn't drink the shots, they would boo you until you got off stage. So you had no choice. You had to drink the shots and do your fucking material. How long could you last?

I lasted, but I went up to my room and barked every fucking time. And there was a horrible barf, the room spinning, the whole fucking deal. So I still remember the headline. A props to Vince Valenzuela. He lives in Santa Monica. California now. I don't know what he's doing,

but God bless him. He drove me there and back, and we did one show Friday, one show Saturday. I mean, I was in a hotel room, guys. I felt like a fucking star. Like, here I was in Moscow, Idaho, featuring for John Fox.

Bitches. Uncle Joey's coming. And there was a four-hour drive to Seattle or something, three-hour drive to Seattle. And I got back that Sunday, and then that Monday, went back to the open mic and I ended up meeting Broly Stevens and Mark Madison and Gavin Boyd and Craig Gas.

Craig Gas was up there at the time. It was now like a voice guy from Howard Stern. I just saw him in Nashville. So I went up there and once you get John Fox work, that trumps everything else. Every other booger? Yeah, because that's it. So now I can call you like nothing. Listen, I work for John Fox.

you're going to give me work and you're going to suck my dick I wouldn't call and say that but you work for jazz it's like coming to town and be in a comedy store regular people are going to give you oh yeah I saw him at the store

give them work you know what I'm saying just because you're a store regular you're at the best place in town so I was at the best place in town so there was Donna Richards out of Portland there was another lady who doubled

as uh Josh Wolfe's manager got arrested so she died but she was a sack of shit anyway And then there was another lady that booked Army bases in rooms. And there was a Cuban guy named Alberto who booked the old improv, the soap box in Seattle. This was huge compared to why I was coming from.

Plus, you had the underground on Monday nights. Then you had a gay bar that did the old football. So we would go from the underground on Mondays to a gay bar Mondays. And we close out the gay bar where we do comedy in a cage. Yeah, like this was it. me Josh Wolf Gavin Mark Madison Brody Stevens Taney Manu

This was it this was a click Al Trifaris These are guys I will never forget Because in Denver I was part of a Three or Four guy click Props to Jimmy Abeda He really helped me in Denver This is what I tell people that when you put yourself out there

The universe fills the gaps But beside Jimmy Abada Josh Wolfe was the first guy that really opened the door for me in Seattle. That's why we still talked, because I never, ever, ever forgot that. When me and the stripper broke up, he took me into his house.

I was living in the guest house on a floor. But at least he gave me a shelter, and I never forgot that. So I don't want people to think like, you know, no, no, no. I was fucking starving. You know, and John Fogg, they don't pay you. John Fox pays you with a check and it takes 30 days.

Oh, my God. Yes, you got to wait 30 days for 200 bucks. That's always a real pleasure. Don't you think, people? 30 fucking days for 200 bucks, which he got that money a year in advance. If you know anything about John Fox, he was like an octopus.

He had more fucking hands that guy. He had his hands on every fucking thing. The feature at the underground paid $250 for five shows and no hotel. Jesus. In 1995, if you got a feature week, for me, You got $2.50 and no hotel. That's how prestigious the club was.

So what would the guy do? You'd either say, go fuck yourself or you work the room. I lived up there, so it was easy for me. But I saw so many out-of-town features that would come up there for $250, no hotel. That's crazy. And it's real interesting hearing you talk about the people that you like Josh Wolf and stuff. Because to me it seems like if I knew Eric 20 years from now or 25 years from now. You will.

You'll know real. And you'll be surprised of who stuck around and who didn't. That's crazy. Because we all take it so seriously right now, it seems. Like I went to, when I was in Denver, there was five guys hands down. I thought we're going to be stars. A fucking, I wasn't even in their league. Out of these five guys, I think one of them is still doing comedy.

And it's very mild. It's very avant-garde and shit like that. So you're completely wrong. You never know who was going to outlast, too. But that's the truth about Seattle. When I went up there, Josh Wolf opened up the doors. And let me tell you something. He opened up a door, and I ran with that fucking door.

I ran with that ball so hard that a comic came up to me one day and said, you're Joey Diaz. You're the motherfucker that's taking all the work from this. And we almost got into a fist fight. And today we're friends But we got chest to chest And Josh Wolf broke us up at his restaurant Because I was that aggressive

I was like a fucking kid in a candy store Everybody had work And there was another club called giggles And you were able to do both clubs So I started rocking and rolling Like I said that year I must have I was making at least A thousand a month in Seattle

Then I started taking fucking action And next time Josh Wilf comes on the show We'll talk about when I was an open mic had taken action on the phone and taking I was taking I was taking this guy for every penny he had was that when you lived in the office I lived in the office and we had a guy and kept putting bets with the kiss of debt and he had paid me so many fucking times that he finally kept saying I want to meet the main guy because I'm paying you so much money how do I know he even exists I go he don't meet nobody and he kept telling me I'm not going to pay you

tell fucking me and Josh we're headed somewhere like the boys the Idaho to do a weekend we're headed somewhere and we needed that money to get us there and this guy is renegan on the deal in front of the fucking restaurant and on my dog if you don't give me the fucking 800 this guy's going to send bulldogs after you and I can't control it I had no bulldogs had nobody I don't know nobody and the guy goes fine I'll give you four fine don't ever call me to put a bed in again and this guy had installed the phone lines for me like he was he worked for a phone company and he came up to me one day goes I got a great deal for you if you pay this they'll give you a one eight hundred line for free so he gave me everything for free and then I started taking his

action he found out why I needed the fucking phones because I was selling sports information so when I when I got the weekend from Laurie Kill Martin I had to do something so right away I took that office I started out of my back room and he had mark Josh Wolf had an apartment that he shared with Mark Madison and another guy. There was four bedrooms. I forget the name of the town that was in. But Josh had a girlfriend. He lived with her.

So that room was open. So I would sleep in that room from time to time when Carol drew me out. And one day I just said, can I run my operation out of there? So what I did was I called this guy in San Diego. I bought one of you, like right now, today, if you go to any newsstand across the country, there's going to be an article. going to be a magazine about the top 20 sports betting services. All right.

When you read the fine print, it's the same company. The guy who publishes the book owns company number one, four, and eight. So I looked at this. I saw the scam he was doing. And I called him up and he answered the phone. And I just bought your magazine. I see what you're doing. I want a piece of the action.

I want to work with you. And he goes, what do you mean? I go, what do you sell a package for? He goes, I sell a package for the year. I sell it for 2,500 in June. Nobody does that. Only an idiot would do that. Like if I called you up and you were a sports veteran,

and you go, my package is from August 15th to the Super Bowl and you pay me $50,000, I wouldn't even give you a dollar. I'm doing it month to month. So that's why when I worked for Kurt, it was $35,350. So every time you made 3,500, you pay me 350. That was the initial deal. That's the deal you bought. We clobbered you after that.

But that's what the point. The point is I called the guy and I said, listen, instead of selling monthly, if they don't want to buy from you, give me those leads. And if I hit, I'll give you a percentage of the action. So I would sell monthly. So I would call these people cold call

and go lease I at. Pete fucking Squillanovich, how you doing? Pete, who's Pete? Listen, Pete, listen, no say a word. About a month and a half ago, you called All-Star Sports, and they gave you a quota, $25,000 for the season, correct? Yeah, but I'm not, listen, forget about if you're interested. Do you know how you're talking to?

And I would just make up a fucking name with a story and tell him I won $20,000 last week betting and that I could go four-for-four and all this shit. And I go, listen, the beauty about me is I don't charge about a month. By the year. I don't charge by the season. charge by the month or in other words you pay me when you get paid so I want 10% of what you make that's it 10% yeah 10% let's do this grab your credit card send me 200 bucks in those days I didn't

have a credit card machine so I would have to collect all my money on western union you can bring oh wait you bring your credit card numbers to western union or you'd say what you know you have to go to western union and people would do it oh they do it all the time I was picking up 200s once a day That's like the IRS scam. And I would fucking get, like, you to pick it up, and I give you 50 bucks. It was free money. Go up to town.

Go up there and pick it up. I give you 50 bucks. What else are you doing with your life? And you go up there and pick it up under your name. I'd have the guy send it to you. The guy you're going to send the packets to his name is Lee Syatt. You don't want to cross Lisa. He's missing an eye.

He's 6'8. He just got out of jail for prison. He killed the garden there, too. I would just make up shit. That time was making a living. in Seattle on the phone. Upstairs from Josh Wolf while me and him

and once we became tight, we took gigs together. So he would headline, I'd be his feature and Mark would be the opening. If I got a headlining gig from Donna Richards, he was the feature

and Lenny Schmidt was the opening. We all used each other. So you always had work. And even if not, I tagged along. Come on, Lee, let's go. You sleep on the floor and you do a guest spot. than we eat Chinese food and shit.

And it's, it's an interesting thing because that's really, I mean, I've been noticing it early on that it's, it's, you have to know people, you have to go out there and meet people. It's not, the camaraderie,

they don't list these things. The camaraderie of comedy is very special. Until, like I was very, I was part of a camaraderie in Denver that showed jealousy. And they got me thrown out of the club. And for what?

They never did nothing with their career. So the whole thing wasn't... As a matter of fact, I'm happy with them today for throwing me out. That's why I worked, the comedy works, because I'm grateful. Because if they wouldn't have thrown me out, I would have stuck around Denver and fucking failed, miserably. So by me leaving, it took me out of my comfort zone. It took me up to Seattle. And now I had feature status under my belt.

I was working as a feature for Tribble still on the road. I always had work, Lee. Every week I was working. So you were gone. No, not even really gone. I was in Seattle, so I would get up on stage twice on Monday, twice on Tuesday once, and then the week started for the clubs on Wednesday. So the one lady who died, she booked bars.

She booked bars from Kent, Bellingham, Yakima, Washington. She booked bars that you could drive there and back to every night. No hotel. 125 for the feature and 200 for the headline. Did you ever get a gig bomb? and not get hired again by that person oh yeah those but those gigs don't care they're bar gigs okay they're bar gags it's in that madison square garden they're bar gigs they you know you just they're gonna hack on you they're not the greatest audiences but that's how you learn you don't learn

listen all i got to do is seg lee you're my opener and for three years you're my opener one day i'm not gonna do comedy no more you're gonna have to face the real world and you're gonna be fucking lost because you've been going up in front of 400 people who are prepared for you right idiot could do that I could program any monkey to do six minutes to go up on stage for an audience that's prepared you don't want to go in front of the audience how it's prepared for comedy you want to go to you want to go to a lounge in a hotel where there's 60 people where they're drinking and 10 of them are trying to fuck the bartender and you come on there with your little fucking boston shirt on and say hi how you doing this welcome to tuesday night comedy night and people

look at you like what the fuck is this I don't know if you guys know this but every tuesday we do comedy here and we have a raffle and we do it and you're sitting there going what the fuck as a feature act as a new comic you're sitting there going what the fuck is this

thank you okay your first act coming to the stage uh uh Joey Diaz and you go up there and there's like four claps out of 60 people they don't want to see you

and see that don't want to hear you they want to fuck this waitress. They want to fuck the stewardess at the hotel bar and here you come along with your stupid jokes and then a headliner comes on which really pisses him off and he's getting heckled. If you bomb and talk to the audience and they talk, that's it. The show is done. But you don't know that early on. These are all those corners that you find out. I could take any comic on the road with me for two years. He'll be, he'll improve a little bit. He'll get better. His confidence will get better. But once he'll take. Once I cut him loose, he's lost.

He's like a baron of the fucking woods. That's why even when I was opening for Rogan, I always did my own gigs. I never just opened for Rogan. I did my own gigs. From time to time, I told Rogan no, because it was very important to me, not to depend on just Rogan. I would take his gigs, but I would headline another gigs, and I would let him know. So that's what this is all about.

And do you learn that by watching someone do that? You learn this by life. Nobody wants nobody depending on you. If I see one person depending on me a little bit too much, I got to cut them loose. You got to do your own things. You got to make your own moves. That's what a lot of comics don't understand. That's why I tell comics, when they get hooked up on another comic and the comics

taking them on the road all the time, don't get comfortable. Start picking your own gigs. Well, he'd ask me every week. And I'm telling you. because you're going to get used to it's it's a it's a it's a it's a it's a it's a bit of sweet situation and that's why i say the comics you have to do triple runs you got to go to places for years for years years years i was doing comedy eight years and i was going on triple runs for years it didn't matter it didn't matter to me it was always just work it didn't matter what you

paid me because i was only getting that much better you know Like I said, going to a comedy store and going to the eight ball end in Missoula, Montana, two different stories, especially as a feature act. You're the first guy up. You're following some fucking guy that is a host of a bingo thing on Tuesdays. We were laughing about that last night when you said that they're going to be like, well, I've never met a Jew before. Can I touch you? Yeah. It's the truth.

It's the truth, you know. This is what you encounter. So when I got to Seattle, I fucking dove into it, guys. I dove into it hard. And I was on stage. There was a place on Mondays. That's why I got this from. It was in Tacoma.

Tacoma has a comedy club now. This was when Barbara, a chick, used to run. I think her name was Barbara. Don't forgive me because she's my friend on Facebook now. She used to run a room on Monday nights in Tacoma. It was a contest. If you won, you got $100 and you came back the next week and hosted for $100. bucks. I did that

twice a month. I would go get the 100 for winning and I go down there with no money. So I had a win. I forced myself not to have gas money. I had a win. That was the process that I lived in Seattle. And then

December 6th, what happened to Seattle was basically this. I still had that funk on me. I still had that funk on me. Sometimes in your life, everything's going right, but you have this little funk on you. I had the funk on me from 79 to about 89, 90, and then I caught this funk on me about 94.

And I moved to Seattle, and the first weekend I'm in Seattle, like that Sunday, we went to the U district, and I got a ticket for J-walking. That's a bullshit ticket. Ticket for J-walking. You think, I looked at the cop. I go, this is like a candid camera show. He goes, nah, you got a ticket for Jay Walker,

and you got to go to court. I ripped the ticket up. I didn't think about it. You know fucking three months later, they came and got me in October and arrested me for fucking not paying, not going for fucking court on a failure to appear. Holy shit.

And you had no history in Seattle at all? Nothing, nothing. I got right off the bat, I got in trouble. And then me and Carol got into an argument in front of the fucking place, and I got charged with harassment. And I said, sexual harassment or assault or nothing like that, us arguing.

She got charged with something and I got charged with something. And they put a restraining order on us. But we still like the fuck. So we'd get together and then I'd get arrested because of the restraining order. It was a fucking nightmare. I lived in. Then they put me in jail for a month. For four weeks I went to jail from December 6th to like January 4th.

For what? For fucking violating the whole fucking deal. And her boyfriend came out. We got to a fight. so I got charged with domestic violence because it had to do with what a house is involved. You have no fucking idea what I went through. And then the night that I got into a fight at the bar

and I pulled the cops gun. What? Oh, yes. I don't think you told that one. I was in Seattle and I was opening up. I'm in Seattle now for about a year and two months and everybody knows I'm a fucking savage. Like, everybody knows I'm a savage.

Brody knows it. I'm torturing Brody. I'm friends with Josh Wolf, but I'm a fucking savage. I've been arrested. The one chick wouldn't give me work anymore. Josh Wolf's manager didn't like me anymore. She was pissed off at me because I said something in one of her rooms one night. So half of them had turned on me.

Do you think I fucking quit? You know that lady that hated me that had Joshua that was her manager? She had about 20 rooms. And every week, one of the parts that would annoy the fuck out was I would call her. And she'd answer the phone because there was no caller ID. And her name was Laura Crocker. God rest her soul. And I would call her every week, the humiliator.

And I'd go, hey, can I do a guest spot at your club on Thursday night? And she'd go, I could see why not? And I'd go down there and kill. And the owner would go to me. Why doesn't she book her? I go, she don't like me. But she lets me do guest sets. I always did those guest sets to fuck with her.

Because I knew that even though she didn't like me, I was always getting better. She was making me better. But then something happened. I got to back up a little bit. Something happened that changed the game on me. After I got the feature spot for Laurie Kilmartin on Labor Day, and I started getting work around town. In mid-October, they came to me,

and they said, are you interested in doing the Seattle comedy competition? And I go, are you fucking serious? And they're like, yeah. And I go, yeah. And after I sign up, they go to me, listen. I don't know if you know this, but dirty acts don't do well in the competition, so don't get your feelings hurt. Until today, as a comedian, I don't know what the contest world is like today. I don't know anything.

I don't get involved, but I will tell you one thing. The Seattle Comedy Competition, 1995, was my turning point in my career. It was a learning point. It showed me true camaraderie. and it taught me a lot. It was a one month intensive on comedy. It was one of the most intense things I ever went through. If I'm looking back in it today,

the first week you go up on stage against 15 comedians and you have six minutes, a light comes on at four and a half and another light comes on at five and a half. If you go over six, you lose a point. And every night, it's at a different location, but it's not a comedy club. It's pizza place.

and, you know, it's just really weird places. So we all signed up, me, Josh, Gavin, and in my mind, like I had done freshman year in basketball, I figured out the starting team. I found out who was coming up from other cities, and I was like, you know what, I'm going to fucking win this fucking thing. And I'll never forget this, people, at the first night,

it was at a pizza place. I forget the name of the town. 10 minutes outside of Seattle. And I'll never forget going there with the highest expectations and getting lit up. Like just getting lit up. I saw comics that were fucking amazing. I thought I would at least take the top three.

I think I came in 13th that night. Opening night, I have no reason to lie to you people. I came in 13th out of 16th. I went home. You have no idea what thoughts were going through my head that night. I was baseline jumping off the building because I had stopped being a father. I left my beautiful apartment in Boulder. I left my fucking job.

I left everything for this dream as a comic and I'm a fucking failure. I didn't even make it to the top. fucking five of this contest. Let me tell you something. I got home that night. I didn't do coke. I didn't do nothing. I drank soda. And I wrote that fucking set over and over and over. And I fucking cut

the fat off. And I did this and I did that. And guess what? Tuesday I came in and I came and fucking fought. And now it was in the fucking game. Because you had a place three out of the four nights or something like that. So the rest of the week I kept fucking place and guess what, motherfuckers? I advanced

to the following week. But now you got a week off. So the first week is 15 comics, seven shows, one night a show. And they determined from that they'd take five. Jesus. So from coming in number 13th on Monday, I don't know what Tuesday was. I remember Thursday night was like an Army base, and I fucking leveled the room. Same material?

Switched it up. That's when I learned about switching up. That week on the spot, like right there. And then and there, I'm like, I can't do this material. So now when I got to bigger rooms, I learned how to measure audiences. When I was in bars, they like it a little dirtier. And when I'm in bigger rooms that are comedy rooms, that are really legit comedy rooms, they like it a little smarter.

So I said a little smarter material that I thought was a little smarter, and it got me through the week. So I made it to the top five of week number one. That's not fucking bad. Then there was another week, and I went to watch that. week and boy that I shit my pants. If the comedians I went up against that week were good, you should have seen what came in the second week.

It was torture, Jack. It was Aisha Taylor and David Crowe and all these motherfuckers that would just buck row. But the guy that stuck out the most was a black kid from Portland, Oregon. He stuck out like a sore fucking thumb. He was funny. He died.

He lived in Michigan, and he died about six months ago. and his name slips my mind. Floyd J. Phillips, God rest of the soul, he was a fucking great human being. That guy, listen, when somebody beats you up that bad that you come in 13th, you really don't want to talk to that guy.

I let all that shit aside. I made him my best friend. I wanted to know what he was doing, and we became best friends. That week, we all hung out that week, and then the second week, that week we let him sleep at our house. We could go out together every night and watch the other contest.

He lived in Portland. So he would drive back and forth some nights. So me, Floyd J. Phillips, Al Triferris, Josh Wolf, it was just a string of us that I remember from that contest. Aisha Taylor and the second week, then they picked five. And then the third week, those 10 battle it out for the top five. And then those five battle it out with a final performance at the Seattle. Art Center for the fucking final. And did you have time to do practice, Mike?

Like, while this was happening? Were you doing sets every night? Seven nights in a row, you're with them, starting at 7.30. Checking is at 7 o'clock. You're with them until fucking 10 o'clock, 10.30. 15 comics got to go up and do six minutes. So 10 comics is an hour. Another five is a half hour.

MC, warm up, announcements. The top five in the night. Clap. Two, three hours. there. It's a tough week for a comic. But so then we had to do the second week. We got tight. Instead of like thinking I was cool because I won the second, I made it to the top five of the first week. I made it my point to become friends with the guys in the second week. Like I went every nine, I supported some of them. And yeah, I think two of the nights I had a gig, but I had a good time.

Like James Inman made me laugh. And there's a guy that is around here now. I forget what his name is. He's really clean. And James Inman kept, was trying to be sober. So we would give him shots to tequila to fuck him up because when he would get drunk, he would go after this kid and on stage. And he told the kid the last night,

if he says one more joke about his cunt wife, he was going to fucking kill him. And all that was very funny. We were snorting coke. I mean, we were having a great time. And then that Saturday night, We went back to the underground and one of the football players was there. His name was Christian Fiore. Christian Fioretti.

Christian Foriates? Before he played for the Patriots, he played for the Seattle Seahawks. I didn't know that. And I knew him from Boulder. So he gave us all tickets, like 10 tickets for the next day's game. And all this comics got to go to that Seattle Seahawk game. And I still remember us sitting and laughing and giggling. And there was no animosity.

and everybody was really cool. And I remember like going, this is, I don't know where I'm going from here. I have no idea what my future brings, but this is one of the coolest things that has ever happened to me. Like I knew, you know,

I told Lee that when I started going on a fourth wall, that I felt something. I felt, I started going through things that I shouldn't have. I started thinking about my career and early on and what keeps you alive? copy. What keeps you telling your mother, mom, I can't get

a job? I'm telling you, I'm a fucking comedian and I'm going, you better get a fucking job. Telling a joke, you know, what keeps you from telling your friends you can't get a job? You know, there's so many things. Nothing was really happening for three years. Then it all started coming together for me.

And now we're seeing it, and that was making, remember that week for Seattle, comedy competition, you get like $50 a set. Not even. You got like $35 a So there's no money and you got to pay for your own hotel So if you're an out of town that you got to pay for your own hotel Those seven nights So all those guys go up in packs

So if you were from Boston you me And Eric Rocha We'd go to Seattle together rent the car and just rent the shitty hotel room And all of us would sleep on the floor We would fucking eat shitty food, domino's pizza And just live off the fat of the land for a week That's it Fuck.

Share showers, that's it. That's what you do. That's the cost of fucking doing that. But that to me, second, first dream was the comedy store, but that to me was possibly one of my best experiences. And I let go of a lot of, like, I let go of the machismo.

I let go of the hating other comics. I let go of that early on. Like, we're all trying to be comedians here. It was a fucking just dynamite content. test and then next thing you know I'm in jail now I get out but you know what man even though people talk shit about me and stuff I still kept doing comedy and as crazy as I was now it's 96 and I'm still doing fucking comedy I'm getting arrested every 90 days I got arrested once I had an ecstasy and I was fucking carol and the cops came and arrested me and I got off on the

ecstasy in the county jail and I started touching another inmate and shit I didn't know what was going on you have no idea at Lee This was a real open mic career. And then that summer I started featuring around. I started headlining for Tribble. Tribble let me call headline. And I was headlining like one-nighters now. And I was featuring.

So I was doing a little bit of everything. I was emceeing on Friday nights and an Army base for $50 a set. And I didn't show up on Friday and I still got a check. So I figured out she never knew when I wouldn't go. So I would send you go down there and host a show. for me. It's no money. You would host and I get 50 bucks. It was criminality. It was the end of my criminality

with comedy. But the situation with Carol was bad. It was a volatile situation. You know, she's a fucking stripper and I'm a fucking wild man that's a Catholic and doesn't believe in that shit. And I couldn't think about what she was doing. I really couldn't handle it. Can you remind me what year it is now?

This is 96. This is 96. So now, it's May of 95. And on the schedule, I knew this little guy. He slept all my house in Boulder. And the second time I saw him, he really made me fucking laugh. And I couldn't remember his name. And I told somebody who this person was.

And he goes, you're talking about Doug Stano? And I go, yeah, Doug Stano. What happened to him? He goes, bro. He just won the San Francisco. comedy competition and he's coming up here something it was it was it was after he won san francisco like eight months after he won san francisco or something like that and he was coming to seattle for the weekend and i couldn't get on as a feature i tried the feature and i couldn't get on

i don't remember who i think james had been featured and riko rico featured for him but that friday that Thursday night, that Friday night, my plan was to go see Doug Stanhope, and that Saturday I was going to go camping. And I was going to go see Atlanta's Morrisette at the gorge with my girlfriend. I went down there, I said, hello, this Doug Stanhope, he remembered me, he gave me a big hug, thank you for letting me stay in your house from Bold. It was great. He goes, the word around town is that the host from the broker got really funny,

because I had just gone from zero to 60. Like, I was a host at this place. I was eating a bag of dicks for a year. And now, at least I was finding my way. And he goes, the word got out that the host of the broker was getting funny. I'm proudy and all this shit. I watched this show, ladies and gentlemen, and it was one of the best performances I've ever seen. Still till today, 27 years later of comedy, I'm telling you that, Doug Stanhope, June of 96,

there was nobody better than Doug Stanhope. And still till today, he's one of my top favorites. But he blew up that room like I had never seen it before. And yes, I was very happy. happy for him and I was laughing my ass off but it was painful for a guy like me because in the back of my mind I thought I'd never get that good like I was like I'll never be that good like this will never ever ever happen in my life like I went I left that night I gave him a hug and I think I cried myself to sleep that night because it pained me that I would never be that good like I don't

No, if I'm not doing what he's doing, I can't do this. He was ahead of you, right? He was ahead of me by a few years, but it didn't matter. It didn't matter. I was doing this completely different routine, and I wanted to do what he was doing. He was free. That's something a lot of people could never understand the term of being free.

He was fucking free. You could tell 10 minutes. You could tell. from the back of the room how free he was with his drinking he did not care you saw all these comics with their suits on well prepared

jokes timing not stand hope he was just everywhere and he would go into a bit and hold on one second and then go into another bit and then they'll stop the show I'm gonna give Rico a one minute guest spot and he would make Rico do one minute

and time it and then throw Rico off and then go back into his routine it was just crazy and people are walking out. I mean, guys, it was the most brilliant thing I saw. Like I said, I cried myself to sleep. I woke up the next morning and a campsite and Carol even said to me, she goes, what's a matter? And I go, I'm fucking bummed because I never, ever be that good. It was one hour of fucking brilliance 21 years ago. One hour of just brilliance. He left and I changed completely. And I'll never forget that I got into a fight with Carol one night

And I was broke and I went to the open mic And that's the first time It had to be July or August of 96 I started in 91 Now six years later, five years later This was the first time I had really found my voice That set was lurking around town for a while It's a set of me with like a long,

shirt on real skinny with a v neck and it was seven minutes that you would have died you could hear brodie you could hear josh wolf on the back somebody tapping to tape it and i brought it down here with me it was a fucking i would watch the set and go that wasn't me because i found my voice the first time i went up there and talked about what really was in my stomach all out of the shit for the first five years, that was just rasmataz. But it was so goodly that it scared me.

It scared me. I don't want to be that good. Like that's just too crazy. I can't never do that again. So again, I strayed away from it. I strayed away from it for about two months. And then something a joke happened that the judge got caught shoplifting. And I just

ran with it. I can't remember what the bit was, nothing. But I ran with it. And one day I got a call that Doug Stanhope was doing New Year's Eve in Seattle and he wanted me to be the feature act and Josh Wolf to be the opening if he wanted to. Josh Wolf

didn't take it because he had a New Year's gig somewhere else. So here I was. Now, two weeks prior to this, I'm at the underground on a Wednesday night and off night. In those days, Lee would take the room on Wednesdays and hire us. and we would shop up 70% of the door. So we'd each get like 15 bucks and go to that place

and eat seafood on Happy Hour. McCormick and Schmidt? Yeah, we would just go to McCormick and Schmidt. Ten of us would just go, me, Brody, Tena. Brody, no. Gavin, Josh Wolf, Tana Manu, and somebody else had a name for themselves, like a comedy name.

As a group? Like as a group. Like, they would do show. shows together, then we would be the special guest. So we all gave each other Wednesday nights. So at the Comedy Underground in those days, Wednesdays and the Sunday nights were comedy nights. You could pick that night, pick the lineup and do, like, I would call it the Mombo Kings of Comedy on Sunday night, and I would have like four comics go up.

And I would go up there with a suit like Ricky Ricardo and shit. It was complete chaos. I was terrible. But this is what you go through. This is the experimentation. This is part of the fucking journey. So two weeks prior to Stan Hope on New Year's where three weeks, a guy comes up to me and says he's got a CBS pilot.

And he wants me to do it. And I'm sitting there going, this is crazy. This is 97. This is crazy. Did you believe him? No, it's 96. I'm like, no, I don't believe you. I didn't say that.

I just said, okay, call me. And he fucking called me. He called me. And he fucking overnighted me the script. And I'm like, what do you want me to do? And he goes, well, I'm trying to move you. I'm trying to get you down to this pilot. I can probably get you a plane ticket.

I live up here. I don't have no money for an apartment or whatever. And he goes, let me see what I could do. You know, then I didn't hear from him over the holidays. Doug Stanhope came to town. And I got to do five sold-out shows with Doug Stanhope. Do you guys have any idea what that's like during New Year's Eve? Do you have any fucking idea, guys, what it's like?

It was mind-boggling for a guy like me. Let me open up the door. It's getting warm in here. It was mind-boggling for a guy like me to fucking open up for standing. I can't even imagine. Especially doing all those bar gigs and doing shows where they're yelling at you to do five sold-out shows. Must have been crazy. It must have even been like, oh, I don't even care that this guy hasn't called me back yet. Like, it wasn't even in your brain.

It wasn't. I didn't look at that way. I didn't look at it as I had done bar shows. I didn't look at that. I looked at it as, I was on stage with Doug Stanhope for New Year's. And at this time last year, I was in jail. And at this time, the year before that, I was shoplifting a fucking Christmas tree. So my daughter could have a fucking Christmas.

Like, to me, this was the farthest I would ever go. Like, I was convinced that this was it. I'm not going to get any farther than Doug Stanhope. But that's Saturday night. I think New Year's was on a Sunday or a Monday or something. And that's Saturday night. He pulled me aside. And he goes, listen, man, there's a lot Latino nights in L.A.

You should really consider moving to Los Angeles. I think you would do great. And my heart stopped. Because you just got that call? I went home and I couldn't fucking sleep. What call? I didn't give a fuck about a call. No.

I gave a fuck about a guy telling me that I was funny. That was fucking hilarious. I didn't give a fuck about no call. I wasn't no fucking actor. This is the funniest guy on the circus. telling me I should move to LA because I'm ready for LA. In my mind, the most distant thing I was, was far, I, you know, I was on the road for fucking three years

with a bunch of people who told me I would do nothing in LA. And here's the hottest comic in America telling me to move to fucking LA. I didn't get a fuck about no TV show. I didn't get a fuck about no TV show is bullshit. And New Year's Eve, I didn't get a fuck about no TV show. I was doing blow. doing blow. I was about to go home and eat Carol's asshole. And I just finished

opening up for Doug. And Doug asked me, what are they paying you? I said, $250 and he threw like $500 in my pocket. That was the magic of Doug Stanhope back then. So Doug Stanhope on like December 30th told me to move to fucking L.A. And by

the 3rd of January, I was already making plans. Like there was no... I got to wait a year and a half and put away money. I don't know what you're talking about. That's never going to happen. That pipe dream is never going to happen. When people tell you that, that's never going to happen.

By the 3rd of January, I was already thinking about how I was going to move to L.A. And on like the 5th, I got a letter in the mail that my probation was getting revoked. And they were going to put me in the county jail for 90 days. So it didn't stop. Just when I thought I was out of Seattle and I wasn't going to go with Carol. That was the best thing. I was going to not take Carol. Did she know this?

Did she know about this plan? She knew about the plan. And I kept saying, yeah, you could stay here and dance. Let me go down there and see how it is. And she's like, if you go down there, I'm going down there. Which eats my burden because now I had a financial fucking somebody to help me. So I kind of sold my soul away. I didn't want it to come, but I had no choice.

You know? And I fucking got CBS to get an attorney. and it was just a fucking horrible thing. And I was out of fucking, I think I was out of Seattle by January 16th. Fuck. Done. Two weeks later.

When Doug Stanhope tells you you're a funny guy, that's it. That's how much I meant to you. That's it. And I said, this is the deal here. I'll get there in January, and I'll stay till June. if nothing happens June of July

if nothing happens I'll fucking move to Jersey and sell Coke you didn't think about going back to Seattle no why would I go back to Seattle it's a backwards move I'm already in LA I'm at the capital of comedy

I can't go back to Seattle I got a warrant in Seattle they barely got me out of Seattle why would I go back to Seattle so that was my goal it was to stay here till fucking June that's it I had no expectation whatsoever. I got here January 29th

on a fucking Monday night. We pulled up on Fairfax. We lived in the trailer, and we went to Alcapulco on Sunset, which is now the Sycamore Tavern. We went there for dinner and had dinner there. You could eat buffet, like two animals that we were, and we shot

to the fucking comedy store. And as I walked and I saw Eddie Griffin, and I saw fucking James Stevens the turd. I saw him there. I saw the star the last dragon hanging out with Eddie Griffin, and my mind was blown. And then I saw wheels. And I started talking to wheels.

I had seen wheels open up for fucking Andrew Dice Glenn. And my head was blown. And it was Monday at 11.30, and we're like tomorrow morning, we're getting up at 6, and we're going to the Laugh Factory to stand online. That was my first day in LA. I don't know nothing about nothing. And I went, I stood online, and Jameson said, told me that you came to me. to the wrong town. You don't belong here.

You're a cabaret comic. You're a dirty comic. You're going to have a hard time here. Plus, you're too old. So that was my welcome to LA, people. For you people who think this is a fucking domino game and that this is... So I was out of the Laugh Factory. But there was this cat on Fridays and Saturdays that booked a room like 25 minutes from here in a Mexican neighborhood. And it was called the Brave Bull. And Marilyn Martyr, Maritime. as I had met her in the Latino laugh festival was showcased. I called her when I got the town.

And she gave me a bunch of numbers of Latino comics to call. Felipe, Willie Barsena, Jeff Garcia, they all had rooms. And everybody called me back except Rudy Marina. So what did I do? I drove down there on a Friday.

I did a seven-minute spot. I fucking buried the fucking room. And the rest was history. I became type of Rudy. And he started giving me spots. So right off the bat, what those comics on the road was saying to me that you can't make money in this town, it was broken because I was, and let me tell you, when I got here, I was having problems with that girl. And let me tell you, the guy Doug Stanhope was. Doug Stanhope had bunk beds in his apartment.

And I slept in the top bunk. And I get up every morning at 8.30, and I go up and buy a newspaper on Curzon at the 7-Eleven. And I had to apply for jobs. every morning I apply for different jobs and then I'd go back at 12 when he woke up and we'd write together we'd write till about three or four and he wouldn't eat nothing

and he'd drive me crazy he would just drink coffee and smoke cigarettes till fucking four or five hours they would eat like a pigeon he'd make like ramen or something like that and then he would take us to the improv and introduce us and shit like that Doug Stanhope did a lot for me in the beginning

man a lot I mean you know and Josh Wolf was already here so Josh was making his way so when I got here I had support so what do you think is that different about you that you were able to listen to dog and not listen to the negative people

and to realize okay this is someone I need to spend more time with listen to me a couple weeks ago you came in here with a bunch of stories and I even said to somebody I think Lee's getting sucked into the open mic world because he's hearing the negativity of the world. He's taking the negativity of comedy. You're hearing all the, what they think they know.

If they knew it, they wouldn't be a Denny's with you eating at 2 in the morning. That's why I don't want you to say a fucking word. Because right now, you're like a prospect. Do you watch the Mayans last night? No, I haven't. The prospect walked in. He went to shake the guy's hand. The guy threw keys on and said, detail all the bikes.

That's what you are right now in comedy. You're a prospect like I was. I was a prospect. You do all the shitty gigs. The gigs that nobody wants to do, you do. The gigs that are hard, you do. But it was so weird that you don't follow fucking losers. You naturally follow winners.

And they're not going to open up their arms to you. You have to show them something. And I knew that all my life. That was common sense. You know, people in this town think they move here, and they go to the improv, and they use that word. They use a word. They go to circulate.

What's that word to? Oh, network. Networking and me don't get along. I never networked. I networked on stage. I never went to the improv to see what was happening. My first two or three weeks here, I hit every fucking coffee shop, every fucking open mic in the valley, all those Mexican rooms. I left my house every night at 7.30.

every night I left my house at 7.7.30 And I wouldn't get home until 2 in the morning, my first two weeks here. And then I got into the comedy store a month afterward. And that solidified everything because I would get early spots and then close out the store. That's all I knew.

That's all I knew. I didn't know anything else. But even then, there was a lower level of comics that hung out at the store just to hang out. And they would get in my ear and try to tell me things, and I would think about where the source was coming from. And there were people that were disenchanted.

They were disoriented. The cards hadn't worked their way. And I see that a lot today. You see that a lot. You see because of the internet and because of social media, you got these young comics that haven't done anything, and they have a voice.

You haven't done anything. You haven't done anything. You know, look at fucking moron. He's been in the same spot for two fucking years, vertically. He hasn't made a vertical move, but he has the balls to call me out. That could only happen now. I would never do that to a comic. That would be against my fucking rules.

I mind my business. You got a problem with a comic, you shut your fucking mouth and you work around them. If he fucking invades your space, then you knock him the fuck out. I'll tell him to get the fuck away from you. And I did that plenty of fucking time. Plenty of times. I told people get the fuck away from me. You just fall into a gap of people who Just did disenchanted. I don't listen to those people. I listen to them and I see where they're coming from and That's why they're in the shape they're in. That's why their head is there. So I get it. You know

98 99 in LA was very hard for me, but what made it easier was that I I was a regular at the store. But I slept in a fucking car in L.A. for six months. And something happened that was very weird. In fact, he's going to be on a podcast in a couple of weeks. A guy by the name of Joey Medina came to me, great guy and said, I have a comic apartment that nobody stays there. Stay in there for six weeks and get your head together,

get your life together, and that's what I did. And I got on stage every night, and I put away a little bit of money. and I'm in my bar with some fucking money. I always had a job in L.A. I always sold cigars on the phone. I saw screws, nuts and bolts. I fucking catered.

I can't tell you how many jobs I catered to Josh Wolf, you know, for fucking lobo. Ochoolo. Is that the name of the Mexican restaurant? Ochoolo? It's a fucking phenomenal. It makes margaritas phenomenal on Western. Okay.

I thought you were talking about El Dorado again. No, no, no. This is called Ochoolo. in L.A. I caved it. I did everything. I don't know what people were talking about. Look what happened a few days ago. The black guy from the Cosbys, they saw him working and people threw a shit fit. You got to support your family and you got to know when. Listen, I know that you love comedy. I know you love comedy. I know you love comedy because I love comedy. But guess what? You got to put food on the table and you got to do because at first I was lazy. I was like,

I'm not working. I'm an artist. That shit. That shit don't work too. That shit don't work out in your favor. You have to do something. You have to justify your existence until you get to that next level. So 97, you know, I get to L.A., and I'm just like anybody else. I mean, I'm just at the store. I'm at the bottom of the room. I'm working myself up.

People are talking down to me. I still remember who talked down to me. They're still in town. They won't even look at me now. They don't even get spots anymore. I don't even get spots anymore. That's why you've got to be fucking nice to people. So I got a manager who was worthless

And he got me an agent I shot the pilot I blew that that was a blown deal That was a deal that when they shot me they I had blown the deal I couldn't act I couldn't act I wasn't an actor So I never called me back again

The pilot never got picked up And then I had my doubts I was like you know maybe I'll go back to bowl But when I had gotten here, I signed with a company called Sutton Bartonari and I found out two weeks later They're like they're the best commercial agent in fucking town And as soon as I signed with them not a week later they started sending me on auditions I had never been an audition before So here I had no confidence because I couldn't act on TV I had no fucking confidence and I and I refused to take an acting class at that time

I was like I'm not fucking taking no acting class and I booked this fucking uh taco Bell commercial. Oh my God. I booked the Taco Bell commercial. The director liked me. And then I went to the callback and they gave it to me in the room. And it shot. It was supposed to shoot Miami.

And then at the last minute, they should want to shoot in Venice. And then the night before the commercial, they called me. They said, they cut your commercial. But they still want you to go and get paid for three days. What's the point? But I went down there. And I sat in my trailer. And I watched TV and when it was time to go eat, I went out there and I ate.

And I saw a guy that I knew from the comedy scene. And he was a SAG Extra. He was getting $256 a day. And those days, extras got $356 a day. Fuck. And if you were a SAG Extra, you got $256 plus overtime. We started talking. And I started talking loud.

And next thing you know, I was holding court Joey Dia style. Like at Hashways in North Bergen, like being a kid, I was just telling stories. And the director heard me. And he came over to me and he goes, sit tight. I'm going to get you in this commercial. Swear to God, just from a conversation. Just from not sulking and being in your trailer a whole day. He goes, sit tight.

I'm going to get you in this commercial. I like you. You make me laugh. And sure enough, he just made up a scene and put me in a commercial. And the kid was shining my shoes, and I was smoking a Cuban cigar. And the dog goes past us. And that was it. but I booked it with a guy named Buzz Baimundo

rest of peace he died about a year ago Buzz Bamundo was a good guy his wife was an agent he was an old comedy store guy and I befriended him on the set and he was very very nice to me so we kept in touch after the commercial shoot and about mid-July he calls me up one day

and he goes did you get your letter in the mouth and I go what letter and he goes the letter that we got cut from the commercial. They paid me an extra day's pay. And I didn't get the letter. Oh, shit. I go, I didn't get it yet, but I haven't got my mail yet today.

When did you get it? He goes, I just got it right now. He goes, at least we got to meet. We had a good experience. I go, yeah, I know. Don't worry about nothing. I called my agent. My agent goes, we haven't heard nothing, but we do have checks here for you. Holding checks. And I go, I didn't know what that meant. I don't know what it means. I go, what's

a holding check? And they'll go, they have to you to hold you so you're being used in this commercial. I just hung up the phone. I thought they were lying to me. I thought they were lying to me. And then I got like $3,200 in the mail, like four checks. And I was like, wait a second. And I took my cash to them at Whitley, the check cash in place.

And that was August of 97. And next thing you know, I would get calls from the accountant at Sutton Barth and Rani and called me and say, you got like 19 checks here, come and pick them up. And I would go to Sutton, Barth, Renari, and pick up checks.

It was mind-boggling. It was mind-boggling. I wasn't going back to Boulder. I wasn't going to New Jersey. I wasn't going anywhere. I found my call. I'm doing commercials. And that commercial ran from August

until January of 98. Fuck. So four or five months. During the World Series, 10 times during the World Series. I was making $2,500 a night. Oh, my God. During the World Series. Because the first time they air it is $2,500.

The second time, it's $1,500. The third time is $750. The fourth time is $400, and you start all over again. So you get that check, $4,000, $5,000. dollars. It was glee. It was crazy. It got to the point where I got sick of cash and checks. I was done with the girl. I was living in a hotel on Hollywood Boulevard, like a sleazy hotel. Even though you're getting all these checks? I was snort and blow doing spots at the store. Every once in a while, I'd stay at the Hotel 101, where the diner is.

I would splurge and get two nights at the hotel and take a nice shower and just watch TV, just relax because I had been through hell. I would have been sleeping on floors, sleeping on cars. Jesus. Didn't you get the call for that commercial or something in one of those? In one of those apartments. And now, so now I'd blown all my money, blew every dime on cocaine. And I was starting to go on the road a little bit.

I had met Joe Rogan by this time. But I also met somebody else by this time. That blew my mind. And the kid's name was Ralphie Mae. I met him at the store one night, and he was big and fat and young. Guys, he was fucking young. He was a baby.

He had fat little cheeks and shit, and he had goofy fucking glasses. And he was just a big fat guy, and I didn't get it. And then I got a call one day. What was I doing on Thanksgiving? and he was staying at Joy Medina's house. And me and Maryland, Maryland's husband, Alex Raymondo, Jeff Gar, a bunch of us went over to his house to Joey's house.

And Ralphie had cooked. At that time, Ralphie was broke. But he cooked his big turkey for everybody and stuffing. And he was so big, he was just on the futon. And he had broken already. Like, every time he would move, the little Japanese wood would make little noises. He was just a sweetheart of a guy. And he,

I still remember when he was blowing up, the laugh factory, because he was a regular at the store. He was a regular at the improv, within weeks. Like he broke my record, like within weeks. He was a regular everywhere.

He was that likable. But he signed with a manager. That was the mistake. He signed with this manager who was terrible. And then Jamie Massada wanted him. And that's the funny story between him and I. That's how we really became friends. He came up to me like, Cal, can I ask you a question?

Mr. Diaz, you know, like he was very polite then. He wasn't like a big-time weed smoke or anything. And he goes, I have a problem. Jimmy Misada wants to sign me, but I already signed with a manager. But it was well-known in town that she was dying of cancer. She was on her last leg. Oh, my God. And I looked at them as serious as I could.

And I go, listen, she got one. for the great one of banana peel if you're gonna fire now is the time you know and he tried to keep a straight face he just he just busted out and fucking laughed and that's how we became friends and then Doug stanhope had a friend named Andy andrest and he lived in an apartment on gardener and he moved to Alaska and Doug Stanhope took over that apartment he was also friends of ralphi so he let Ralphie stay at Gardner so Ralphie moved from Joy Medina's house

to Andy Andrews's house and that's how the relationship started and then Ralphie would go to Houston and come back and bring his friends and he'd bring John Westling Celine God rest of soul Who's the kid who just recently died Sean Rouse came up here with Ralphie

John Wesley I mean Ralphie was just the salt of the earth you know i mean guys i don't have a family but god had now surrounding me with this little comedy family i had ralphi had josh wolf i had duck stanholm and then there was another kid who would walk into the store with a backwards hat on and he was mr king hot shit all the chicks liked them he was always with a chick and he would always go up like at 11 and he was a good-looking kid and I didn't know. His name was Joe Rogan.

I had saw him on a Showtime show, the Dirty Dozen one night. When I was on meth on Showtime, I watched him in a hotel room, and this is the first time I had seen or heard of him. I put it together years later. That's all I had seen. And they brought him up from news radio.

And I go, fuck this guy. He's a news radio guy. How funny could he be? You know, I didn't watch him. And then one night I was on stage, and I was eating. a bag of dicks at 1145 I mean everybody was there the place was packed on a Saturday and I'm just dying up at the store and I never forget saying you guys are

killing me and he was in the back and he goes you're killing me and I didn't know whether to get off the stage and karate chop him I didn't know what the fuck to do but I went home that night I was pissed but he was right he was absolutely fucking right and a couple days later I befriended him and the rest was history my girlfriend told me he was on news radio I watched the show and I told him I wanted to go to a live taping and he gave

me a number and I called it and he called me back and he goes when do you want to go and I told him and I went to the live taping and he saw me at the live taping and he waved me down and I sat on the floor with them holy shit and I got to eat the chili that they ate and everything and here I am walking around Andy dick and all these people I don't know nothing about nothing

now he becomes my friend so now he's like anytime you want to come come by so in those days me Mitch Headberg Josh Wolfe Mark I mean it was a handful of us

Ralphie we would always go to politically incorrect tapings politically incorrect taped at CBS Studios at 430 every day or once a week or I don't remember what the schedule was all of us would go there but the only one that wasn't allowed was Doug Stanhope because he had gotten invited to

Bill's marr's birthday party got caught fucking a chick on Bill Maher's bed so he had to write an apology letter and he refused to write it so he wasn't allowed to go on the thing so we would go to the tapings and they would pass around pieces of paper who are the guests that you want to see the most on politically incorrect and we would tell everybody in our section to put Doug Stanhope down and Bill Maher would see it and lose his fucking mind. I mean, this is what we would do every afternoon. So if we didn't go there, I would go to other live tapings just to watch people that I knew. Like, there was somebody I knew that was, oh, it was Vinnie Curdo.

Vinny Curto at the time was shooting a lot of music videos. And he got me a music video with the singer from, fuck, Credence Clearwater Revival. You did a music video? Yeah, paid me $850. It's called Hurricane. and I play a tough guy at a table and so he would get me on sets

so I would watch but the funny thing was one day Rogan called me and he goes come to the set and there's radio and I went down there and there was a bowl of fucking prawn shrimp you know those shrimp are like five inches long and they're tender

and all these white people eating lettuce and fucking cheese on the tray I start devouring this shrimp like I'm going to the chair. I mean, I'm sitting there just eating fucking shrimp. Everything. If there was 50 shrimp in there, I ate 45 of them. And somebody went up to Joe Rogan and said,

who's that scary guy with leather jacket on eating all the shrimp? And it was me. And Rogan loved it. He laughed his ass off. And that's how he became friends. And then Rogan was good friends with Chris McGuire from Boston, who was still around. And Chris would open for him at the time.

Rogan was just starting to go out. And I would never, ever, ever, at those days, we were friends, but I would never ask anybody to open for them. That was a violation of my world. If somebody wants you to open them, they'll come to you. Right. You know. And I was in Miami, and we talked.

And I go, you're here next week. I'm here right now. And he goes, how's the club? I go, great. He goes, see if you could stay, an MC. And I stayed, and I emcee. And that's how we became tighter. And, you know, Rogan will tell you that I wasn't funny at that time,

and then I got funny all of a sudden. Well, what happened was me and that girl broke up. Once me and Carol broke up, my energy was being wasted on Carol. If your thought patterns are 100% every day, and 50% of it is comedy, the other 50% it should have been 100% comedy. It should have been 90%, 80% comedy and 20% my health. I didn't care about anything. But when I got rid of Carol, it was just comedy.

And I went from being a four to a seven overnight. Something snapped in me. Not having that pressure. It wasn't pressure. It was tough dating her. A lot of you people are women that are listening. You're in a relationship right now, and you don't know what it is

and it affects your job. That's what this relationship was doing to me. It was affecting me in every single way. Because at the end of the day, as much as I don't want to say this, she was a whore. And whenever we were apart, she would fuck people. And you can't live like that. So the day we broke up is the day my life changed. I just cut the ambivalical cord off.

I didn't care if I slept on floors or nothing. And Josh Wolf had a friend who gave me a car. And Josh gave me the car. And I lived in that fucking. car but ralphie would let me take showers there or i would take showers at the comedy store so i never wanted to be a burden on anybody so i would always take showers at the comedy store in the morning like at 905 and then i would go back there at 7 30 and take another shower like this is was my life i was eating wendy's burgers living on the chili you know this was my life late this is all i thought

about you know and even though i was a regular and all that shit and then the beauty was when I got basketball and it was 98 now and I had no idea what I was doing in basketball no idea like I was going to audition for an NYPD

pro and on the way out I saw a lady and she asked me if I was there for an audition I didn't lie I go yeah she gave me a sheet of paper I read it and I booked it I didn't have the money for SAG like when I got all that money from the Taco Bell commercial I should have paid for my SAG I was a fucking Gavon and I should have paid for my sag

And through all this You're doing how much coke? I'm getting high every night 20s 40s So the theme that you weren't going to make money On here was bullshit I was making money the first week out here When you say Joey what's money

Well this was before Rents were $18,000 This is before you know I didn't have a car I had one bill I had a $365 payment to child support. So once me and Carol broke up, I lived in that car. And I didn't give a fuck because I was in the game.

It didn't matter to me that I lived in that car. I was in the game. My goal was to get out of that fucking car. I wasn't going to live in there forever. And thank God, I had Ralphie, I had Josh Wolfe, and I had the comedy store. Thank God. Thank God.

You know, this didn't happen. You know, there's a chapter in the Gravano book that says you could be out there alone for years stealing, but one day you're going to have to get a partner. One day, you're going to have to seek help. You know, you can't do it by yourself. And that came to me at that moment. Stan Hope taught me how to read.

Like, he didn't teach me how to read, read. But he was the one, like, I was already a reader. But he was the one, like, he was the one that gave me, like a Henry Rowan's book. He was the one that turned me on to Henry Rollins. So you take a little piece from all these people you meet. It's not like you're a thief. They make an impression on you, and you also look up to them.

I looked up to Ralphie. I looked up to Doug Stanhope. I looked up to Mitch Hedberg. I looked up to Josh Wolfe. I looked up to my peers. I looked up to all of them because I learned something from every single one of them without asking him. A certain way how to act,

a certain way how to get on stage. Just all these things come to you. And like I said, you know, I just built this bond. And you said to me the other day that the people listen to the numbers of the podcast, but it's the old ones, the old relationships, because you could hear it in our voices. I don't want people to think that I just rolled into this town. I love when people, like somebody just saw me on ER,

and they put pictures of me in ER. That was 2003. You know, the reason why I'm tough on you about comedy, and I want you to know that in a year you can't be doing this job with me no more, is because if you want to be a comedy, you've got to get out of your comfort of them. And you've got to get out of your head. I was all those things that I got into comedy. But the reason why I'm doing so well now on stage,

and the reason why I'm still here is because of the 10 years, I just described to you people. Those 10 years, if you look at those 10 years, if you listen to those 10 years in retrospect, I went more through things in those 10 years than most people go in a fucking lifetime. I went through every fucking emotion I could. From dropping off my child and crying every Wednesday

and then forcing myself to go do, comedy every Wednesday when I had that kid and Sunday nights when I had Jackie Diaz when I drop her off I'd go back into the car I'd break down I had to drain the ashtray I'd smoke it I'd pick up my big boy pants and I'd force myself to do comedy no matter how bad I felt and that's the kind of shit that nobody could take from you that's why if you're thinking of becoming a comic a plumber a lawyer a fucking artist a musician it doesn't matter this podcast a to you. This podcast applies to you because it's not about how long. It's not about what you get out of it. Bro, if I would have still been on the road doing triple runs today, I would have figured out a way on how to still be happy because I wasn't in jail and I was thankful. So whatever path you're thinking about doing right now and your own personal whatever, just think that there's going to be some type of suffering. you're going to suffer. Somewhere along the line, you have to pay for this with your blood. So when you do get it, you enjoy it, it tastes that much better,

and you know you can look back and say to yourself that you honestly, honestly did the work. We're going back to episode 480 or 420 when I talked about when you were in grammar school and you did math and the teacher told you to show me the work. This is something that you can't show nobody. this is scars that you have to have on your own that you know you went through you know all those emotions of getting called and not getting a commercial

when you think you got a commercial what even that does to you that's PTSD all these people are crying because Louis took their dick out and the girls got PTSD you don't know what PTSD is so you got to pay rent and you got booked for a commercial and now they're calling you and telling you the commercial

way and that was just the beginning like I'm just taking you guys from 90 to 2000 just to show you just to show you of what went down so here I got basketball I got the pilot I got fucking

the toy or the commercial and I'm getting spots around town is my ego affected and not in any way I knew I was very fortunate the whole time but stand-up wise I was starting to get chops I went home with my ex-girlfriend friend and we did the South Bend Funny Bone and I fucked that place up and the headline even told me

Jesus Christ what planning are you from? Like I was already starting to get my chops. So it wasn't that my ego was getting high. It was that I was getting great confidence. That's the word I'm looking for. I was going to get confident. I was getting confidence. So one night, there's this Monday night and it's called Freaky Mondays at the improv and I was doing okay with it. Because, you know, because I was getting the spots between 8 and 820. I was getting like seven minutes, and I worked myself up the spot number three. So they would like me.

I would do okay. And one night my manager calls me, and he goes, the place, his name was Ken Phillips. He goes, the place is going to be packed tonight. And you got, I just got a call from the answer. They want to give you a spot. You're showcasing for like 18 people. But the problem was,

I was following Doug Stanholm. and behind me was Nick DePaulo. And Doug Stanhope went on stage and threw a beating on him, but not only that, he said the word nigger in a joke. It was a joke. He said it's easier to jump over a nigger than it is a midget or something to that effect. And Chris Tucker was in the room, and he yelled something at the Stanhope. Then they started laughing.

And then I went on there. So the crowd was iffy. Half the crowd laughed. And the other crowd was like, whoa, a white guy with long hair saying the N-word. you know so I went up there and guys there was nothing but crickets for 10 minutes when I tell you I could hear the clock ticking on your watch that's how bad I bombed I didn't even stay to watch to watch de palo I didn't shake my manager's hand I went got out I went in a fucking car I parked on my little spot under a tree and I cried and I had the answer I had to go back on the road and

develop. I wasn't ready yet. Now, how many people would do that? How many people would be that honest with themselves and say, hey, I'm going back on the road. I've been fucking slipping in L.A. Like, I was just doing a magic act. It was a magic act. I still was doing this magic act.

I was playing with the audience. I was making reactions. And I went on the road. I left. The first time in November of 98, and I came back in April of 99, and then I stuck around town for a while, and I left again in October of 99, and came back in April of 2000. And by then you were ready, you think?

By then, I was a fucking machine as a feature act. I was blowing, there was a company in those days that now the guy works as an agent for another company, And what he did was he would put B-rooms, feature acts, and B-rooms. And I would the Feature Act. And Dog, they couldn't follow me. They just couldn't follow me on the road. I had figured out the road. I had gone for fucking a year.

After I got a L.A. Act, I went back on the road and started all over again. Dengie hotels, even with basketball. And now as a celebrity on triple runs. Were you getting paid more? Was just a mayor or? I was getting like two and a quarter a night now. Okay. Picking up 100 and they mail you're one and a quarter in the mail.

It was still, you know, six shows, 600 bucks. That type. I mean, it was a fucking nightmare. Driving all night, buses. But I used to go from Toronto all the way to Miami, straight to Texas, up to Vegas and play shitty rooms in Vegas. Like when we went to the Netflix special, I was thinking about when the last time I was at,

that casino, that fucking dump we stay at. Like, I did a room around there one day in Vegas. That was horrible. Then I played all the dumps in Wintermark Nevada. Then I went up to Oregon. Then I went up to Seattle. And then I worked my way down. I stayed on the road for eight fucking months straight.

And I would send clothes home to Josh Wolf's house and buy new clothes on the road. Fuck. And would he get your check? Like, who is grabbing your checks? Josh Wolf. Jesus. Josh Wolf would get my checks and call me and tell him. You gotta check for this.

I would check him with him every day, every two days. I hear that a lot now, even that it doesn't make sense to have an apartment here if you're featuring. No, you're featuring. If you're going to go on the road, you're going to go on. Like, I became a road warrior, my eighth and ninth, like my eighth year in comedy, I said, I got to go back and learn the basics. And I went back, and I got to tell you, honest to God.

And I was not a headliner. I was not a headliner, but I was a strong feature. And at that time, I had sleep apnea, and I didn't know it. And Joe took me on the road one weekend with him and Chris McGuire. And I was MCN. And for some reason, Joe thought in his head that I had staying out all night with the owner of the improv. The creepy dude that died and did coke all night. So when they called my room, I didn't wake up.

And security had to open my door. And Joe yelled at me. and he made me feel fucking embarrassed. And, you know, I wasn't doing Coke, but he didn't use me on the road anymore. Like, he was going on the road now, taking different people. So I thought I had burned my bridge with Joe.

But every time I'd come back to L.A., I came back strong, and I made sure he watched me. And then one time I was in Boston at the club downtown, the big one that was downtown, before the Wilber Theater became the Wilber Theater. The laugh connection? The connection. On Van Nu Hall?

A Fanio Hall. Comedy connection. I was there on a Monday night, and a bunch of people came up to me. They're like, you open up for Joe from time to time. So I called Joe from a pay phone. And I go, I'm here in Boston, and your friends are here. And he's like, who booked you in there? And I told him that I'd been on the road and stuff.

And I could tell that he was kind of impressed. Like, just because he wasn't using me no more, didn't mean I pack up my bags. Or I was mad at him. I was not mad at him. I understood business and I understood politics and I understood the road and how it worked. I had fucked up. But in that meantime, Chris McGuire started writing and Joe gave me a second chance and I started featuring from on the road and the rest is history.

So by 2000, when I came back, Joe was asking me to write for him and I was paying Gavin $200 a month to sleep on his couch. 200 a month to sleep on his couch. That meant I was just there at night I took two showers there And I slept there By the time I get home He was passed out in his room sleeping There was no TV in the living room

There was no air conditioner There was nothing There was a blanket in the pillow I had a closet In the living room And I had a blanket in the pillow And I would just lay down That was my life

And Ralphie was in the building So Ralphie would feed me Selim would feed me So I paid my dues, but I got a lot to be thankful for because it wasn't me alone. It was the people that inspired me on the journey. I never forgot those people.

From Jim Handy and Bold and Mike Kessler to Bill Bauer up and I never forgot those people. I know their names, the faces, they all contributed to me being here. It wasn't a one-man show. I'd love to tell you. I love to tell you. I do get mad. This is why I watch you so much.

And I say things to you because I never want people to say, or the reason you got there is because of Joey. Absolutely. Because I live with that. So what you're telling me is he got me on ER. He got me on the longest yard. He got me in Spider-Man, too. No, I continued to do my thing.

The other thing I did was when I moved in with Gavin was I got into an acting class. And you know who paid for my acting class? Who? Josh Wolfe. Really? He had gotten a deal. And I went there like a man. I told him I needed acting classes.

And Josh wrote me a check. Never told nobody. He never embarrassed me. He had gotten some amount of money from Fox and he wanted to help me out. And he bought me three suits. We went to the suit outlet and he bought me three suits.

So the universe takes care of you and people take care of you, but before the most important thing is you have to take care of yourself. And people have to notice that you're taking care of yourself and you're doing the right things before they open their doors to you.

They're not just going to give it to you because you're special. And that's what I wanted people to know with this podcast, these two weeks, the volume one and two. If we listen to Volume 1, we put it out Monday, and it's about my first five years in stand-up comedy, how I didn't do shit. And then from 93 to now, I haven't stopped. So right now, when you people come to watch me, maybe you watch a Netflix special, you don't like it or whatever. but whenever you see me on stage, you're seeing 27 years.

You're watching what I went through the first 10 years. That's what you're watching on stage right now. And there's something else happening in 99. That changed me. I booked the belly room. In those days, Mitsy would charge you 150 for the belly room. But she told me she had an opening to take it. And I did like a pseudo-story teller show.

I called it Testicle Testaments. That's the first time Because it was opposite the vagina monologues And you actually called it that back then? I thought that was a new name. No, 1999. 2000, it was 1999 And I did a show up there

And the people that were scheduled Didn't show up So I had to talk for two hours And that's when I learned How to incorporate storytelling With jokes that night That was one of the best nights of my life Because that's when everything

came together in my world I still didn't tell stories but I knew that night I had the ability You were on stage for two hours Two hours Holy shit Doug Stanhope's mother was there

Marilyn Martinez was there It was just our little family Like 30 of us Celine Ralphie Mae John Wesleying Ricky Cruz Stacy Jody Furdig

I still remember us having like a bottle of tequila and passing it around and the lot Holy shit And were you the only one on stage Yeah No one else went up

Oh shit A couple people went up But then I closed the shut But that's I still remember leaving there like even though I made 35 bucks even though I had a grandma blow in my pocket like nothing Came close to fucking getting on stage that night because it was an education I could see that I had evolved you know I didn't fucking I stayed here because I was like Richard Gia and almost a gentleman I really had nowhere else to go I'm not smart at anybody I'm not sharp at anybody I'm not sharp at anybody I

I watched people and I emulated the people that were doing something with their life. That's who you emulate. That's who you look at. Do you see them at Denny's talking shit at 2 in the morning with other people? No. You see what those guys do and you emulate them. And that's how you become a good comic, a good writer, a good DJ. And if you're a DJ or an artist or a guitar player, the more guitar players you learn, the more you're going to learn.

And even if they suck, they make. might do something that you didn't think of doing and you learned that from them. So I want people to know that comedy is that type of game. Yeah, you're up there on stage by yourself. But it's part of what, you know, Roseanne Barr said it best before she said that shit on Twitter. When you're a stand-up, you're a director, a producer, director, a writer, you're everything. You're a promoter.

You learn how to do a piece of everything. That's why it's such a vital weapon to have and to do because it lets you know what that feels like. And that's it, people. Now it's volume 2. I'm happy you got to listen to the show this week. Don't forget

next week we're in fucking Philadelphia at the Parks Casino on Thursday on Friday night. There's a couple tickets left. And then sadly, sold that in Washington, motherfucking D.C.

And we can't add a second show. They wanted me to add an afternoon show, but I asked more than my fucking magician. Uncle Joey don't add no second shows. We're also at a second show. Mohican Sun Foxwoods. Foxwoods

Casino at the end of the month the fucking Wilbur sold out so you might as well go to Foxwoods now and there's like 200 tickets left and it's half a month left so I'm not going to add a show or whatever because Sunday Miami plays New England I ain't that fucking stupid

so fuck that. If you can't come to the Wilbur I'll see you where Foxwood's Comedy Casino and lovely Connecticut. Lovely Connecticut I'm fucking excited a lot of people are coming, my girls coming, fucking tons of fucking lunatics are coming out from Hubster who double parked

their car today to TJ all of them are coming out, so we're going to have a good fucking time. Like I told you at the beginning of the show, listen, as we started the podcast, people think I'm some list. I gambled a little bit, but I'm no fucking winner. But people always ask me for advice, and it's usually what team to bet on. Listen, I don't

fucking know, but I do know one thing. You got to check out my bookie. Remember, who you're betting on is just as important as who you're betting with. What if you win you want to get fucking paid right what's the guys a fugazi that's not going to happen with my bookie that's why i always tell people to bet with my bookie i trust these guys they're the best bet you can make this season they've been in business for years they got great reviews online and their mobile site is why you really want to be with my bookie and it's easy to use i would only recommend the service

to the church family that's been good to me that's why i'm urging you right now you're going to bet anyway make your way to my bookie you know why you win they pay they have insurance game live betting, the most rewarding player perks in the business. And for you fantasy fucks out there, you can even bet the over and under how many fantasy points are players in the score each game. Who else gives you that, but my bookie. So join now today. My bookie will match your deposit. Dollar for dollar. You put in a nickel, they give you a nickel. You got to use promo code church, C-H-U-R-C-H to activate the offer. So visit my bookie online today, right now. Right now while you're listening, that's my bookie. Look, I'll tell you how to spell it.

Click onto the plus box, my bookie, M-Y-B-O-O-K-E. And don't forget to use promo code church when you're creating your account to claim up to $1,000 in free play. Again, my bookie, why? You pay, you play, you win, you get paid. It's that fucking simple.

I also, Fuji Sports, listen, the G-I-Ware is fucking Fuji, and I'm a fat fuck. They tugged, the sleeves are dirty, but you know what? You can't rip those fucking things and it lasts forever. I'm trying to just give you quality in your life.

If you're a fucking jih Tzu guy, you're thinking of starting Jiu-Jitsu, and you're a big guy. Go to Fugisports.com right now and press in. Church. Bam, you get 10% off delivered to your house. Okay, it's that simple. I want to thank the Flying Jew.

I want to thank you motherfuckers for being family and for being patient. And I want to understand that I did these two podcasts because nothing is free. It's all bullshit. You got to work for it. You got to sacrifice. And if you want it,

they're not just going to fucking give it to you. It's not that simple. I love these people who come to me and say, listen, I know exactly what you're going through. I know exactly what point in your career you're at. And I know. How do I know? Because I went through it.

So you can't fucking tell me. So these last two podcasts are for anybody. If you're thinking of getting into something, just know you've got to put your heart and soul into it. And that's it and that's that. I'll see you motherfuckers Monday morning tip-top. Magoo ready to fucking go. I want to give another shout out to my bookie,

and I want to thank Fuji Sports. And I want to thank you, motherfuckers. Kick this mulee.