The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #620 - Jeff Danis and Ryan O'Neill

Episode Date: September 24, 2018

Jeff Danis and Ryan O'Neill, comedians, writers (including the web series "Daddy Know's Best), and the hosts of the "Danish and O'Neill podcast, join Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Deposit after 7pm EST and they will give you another $25 in free play.   Onnit.com - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 09/23/2018.
  

Greetings from Podcastville. It's Monday, September 24th. The podcast is brought to you by Audit. You know me, dog. I've been one on it for years now. I love their products from the Shroom Tech Sport to the Shroom Tech immune. You know me?

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And get 10% off your order. Listen, football. seasons and fucking Hightail. The Cleveland Browns won after 2000 fucking years. You know, New England just lost two in a row. You could be making money. You understand me? You're like, Joey, how am I going to

make money? You know how? My bookie. Listen, it's not what you bet as important as who you bet with. That's why I always tell people to bet with my bookie. I only recommend a service to my listeners that's been good to me, the church family. That's why

I'm urging you to make you away to my bookie. You win, they pay. Now, this is what we're going to do this week. My bookie's so slammed with new bettas throughout the day. What they're going to do is they want you to have the best service possible. So, after 7 o'clock, they're going to give you an additional $25 free play on deposits over a yardstick. That's $100. So go to mybooky.com right now, or my bookie will match your deposit, dollar for dollar.

Use promo code church. Take this fucking mulee. Party people Then you'll get fucking Oh shit Monday morning September 24th Zulu fucking nation

Oh shit Oh shit here you go Just get on down That I'm just getting so fucking A little Africa Zambada on a Monday morning What? Give it to me, baby. Harvey style.

What is? The church, what's happening now, you bad motherfuckers. Monday morning. Rocking the whole fucking week. Slingin dick. We're giving our fucking Cubscair cookies. We got Danish. We got O'Neill.

We got the Christ killer. We got Uncle Joey. We got African Zambata. Here we go. This is when black people were Black people, no fucking around. You understand me? Everybody had a fucking knife.

Here we go. Everybody had a knife. What? What's happened? You bad motherfuckers, Uncle Joey here. It's a beautiful day to be alive. I got guys that I want to be on the podcast for the last fucking 10 years. But I just don't bump into you as much as I used to.

We made it, man. Again, thanks for having us. I was the weekend. Everybody had a little weekend. I don't even know if we. weekends exist anymore man it's like dude we're comics every day yeah 724 taking it to the hoop for me the weekends are the worst because people are out man I do shit during the weekday because everyone's working yeah comics when you go out and do shit you live the work week is

basically a weekend as a comic and then you know you kind of you kind of reversed it's it's weird that the bullshit they sold us as kids yeah man we're gonna work 35 hour weeks we're lucky we're gonna work 10 hours a week of overtime yeah Saturday we had a mold the lawn and then on Sunday you got to get them. Pretty much everyone. Yeah, that's it. Everyone we know doesn't live that lifestyle. I don't know.

Out here. No, no. Not at all. Yeah. People don't have class. Not like that. Yeah, no. These LA people don't have that type of class. They don't have a party unless a celebrity's coming over.

They have to make it a big fucking deal. But I'm talking about just that was a dream that was sold to us. They needed to sell it though in order for us to become consumers to run this fucking economy. But that's the dream we were sold. We're going to work five days a week and have two days off and put money away and then go on a cruise ship and hope the motherfucker isn't hit an iceberg You wear the shirt and tie during the week sweater on the weekend khakis and it's weird it's a It's a it's a it's a fucked up day when you come to realize that you got to work Saturdays and Sundays

That's a that's a that's a fucked up day like when you're you usually have to learn it most people learn it like at 17 or 18 some motherfuckers learned it at 14. Like, I learned it like at 14 on Saturday. And Sunday, cartoons are done. You know, cartoons you're still on. Yeah. It's over. I said, no more Papa, no more fucking Papa.

We got to get up, you got to go to the Bronx and run around the neighborhood and make sure there's no cop cars in the neighborhood. It's shit like that. You know, but you're then, then you start with the fucking Sunday. And then you go to college or whatever, and you realize that you're in the library on Saturday and Sunday. You really are. You're doing homework.

And if you're really doing, something you're in a library on Sunday or Saturday. Oh, you're in a group of people. So you're, or you're hung over and you realize that if you're hung over, you can't really do the fucking work. So at what point do you realize that the American dream, the 40-hour week,

was bullshit? You know, I meet people out here that have three jobs. Legit. You know, a morning job, a fucking two nights a week, they do something. And then on Saturday and Sunday, they're banging out 10 hours a day of coffee shot. That's just a cover rent, car payment, and a fucking

comedy show once a month. Yeah. You know, think about that. I remember when we got into comedy, you know, this thing shifted. Like, I always knew I wasn't going to be a positive influence in the regular workplace.

Because I always knew. I knew it at the age of ten. Did you ever have a nine to five job, ever? I really tried to be an American. I really fucking tried to, but I knew as a kid I liked my mother's life. my mom owned the business and she worked nights.

There was something about that freedom in the daytime when everybody else is at work that got my dick hard. You could do whatever the fuck you want. So she would do an hour's worth of work from 930 to 1030, open the bar. A bartender would come in it and she'd boogie out of there.

She'd go home, finish what she was doing at home, catch the afternoon MEC game, go home, cook dinner, and then jump back in the Jersey at 6th, and then worked at bar until three. Were you always up late as a kid? Yes. So from very young, you had late hours.

Yes. And then I always had a problem sleeping. Then when I did get to sleep and she would wake me up at 3 in the morning when she got home anyway. It told me about a day and made me through. So I was always... You're being groomed for comedy. No, I didn't mean I liked stand-up.

I liked prior, the albums. but I thought it was always like a far away goal or far away. Back then it was, I don't know how many people watched it and was like, hey, I can do that, where now it seems a lot more accessible, obviously with podcasts and how much stand-up there is. Then it was, it seems such a far away thing to be like, even say I want to do stand-up. People were like, what the fuck are you talking about?

In the early 70s, it was David Brenner. It was Richard Pryor, it was George Carlin, and a couple of other guys, and Freddie Prince came along. there was a couple of the guys that you knew from the Tonight Show if they were going to be a... Yeah. That you'd stay up. There was no DVR and...

No. No, yeah. You fucking missed it. Yeah, you fucking... You had to take a piss, man. You better hold it. So growing up in New York, you had the honeymoon is at 11. And then the out-cup, 1130.

So from 11.30 to 12-15, you'd be physically pushing, you know, 0-11. 1-1 and 4. There was no re-watch. It's that button. Last channel? Last channel. There was no last channel. There was no last channel.

So we'd have to use when you were a kid watching softcore porn. If anyone else was in the house, you'd have to have your last channel queued up to something that you knew what it was. So if they walked in the room, there were titties, you could go to that, oh, I'm watching MTV. What are you talking about? Everything's cool. Did either of your dads have VHS porn?

Because I had to go, I had to remember the time where it was and rewinded it, make sure it went to back. Oh, well, let me tell you this. So we had a motel. I grew up in a motel, my parents owned. So to special customers, they'd give him a descrambler. And so my dad would have to go downstairs in the basement and change the porno movie out, like every hour. So we'd be watching Dallas and he'd be like, close your eyes at a commercial.

Because he had to check to see if the porno was done. But he'd watch it for like four or five minutes. So I'm just fucking watching this. I'm like four years old watching pornos. And then he would go, oh, the movie's almost done. So we've got to go downstairs and change new porno. So you grew up in a hotel. Yeah.

So I don't, the nine to four years. five job because my mom would run the motel during the day and then my dad would stay there at night and so then we used to live there and then once my little sister was born uh we got a house in town about a mile away because it's just too small you always uncall though at the hotel oh 24-7 for 35 years my mom had that place you see the hotel oh jesus man i mean a lot of times my mom would be like hey i can you go check to see if this if this guy hasn't checked in in a few days nobody's seen him. I go in there and the dude's just dead. Either drank himself to death or fucking suicide.

I mean, everything that you can, I can imagine, like, you know, because in the 80s, people would stay there, like families would stay if you're on a road trip. And then the 90s people started going. It was in Valparaiso, Indiana. Which is, what's the closest? Chicago's like 60 miles away. Wow. So it's like, but it's pretty rural.

We had a guy, he fucked a chicken to death in the early 2000s in there. And it was like a big piece. Like Leno did shit on it. At the hotel or just in your town? No, no, in the hotel. My dad found the feathers and like the carcass and shit. Like what was this guy wearing a boa? Oh no, he's fucking chickens again.

And so he called the guy's mom because the guy's mom had put this guy. A guy was, and he's really fucking off. You can see a picture of him online. No. Like one eyes down like below his cheekbone. Those people with the fuck the bye. And they're not smoking anything. I don't trust.

people with those sleepy eyes. I never did. I got a sleepy eye. That's why I don't trust nobody with a sleepy eye. It's like looking in a mirror? Yeah, it's fucked up. But the sleepy eye was from doing the coke. I got the sleepy eye from doing like more side of my right eye.

We just started, yeah, I got a droopy eyelid too. I got hit in the head with a two by four. That's a good excuse. So that would kind of fucking did some nerve damage. That is fucking crazy finding people. Yeah. The last thing I ever want to do is find somebody dead. from either a gunshot wound or suicide.

If I saw somebody hang him, I would fucking... Oh, that would be, yeah. My brother found a guy who'd killed himself. This was like early 80s. He was probably like six. We had geese in the backyard. So in the morning, he would have to let the geese out. And so we saw a guy in his car who would...

Later, we'd found out committed suicide. He ran a hose through the tailpipe. And this was probably like 83. And it turned out he had AIDS. And this was like before anybody knew anything about AIDS. So this guy just thought he was done. So he killed himself. And my mom had to go clean out his trailer.

And she was like, none of you guys can come in here because I don't want any of you guys to get AIDS. Because people thought it was fucking airborne. People think you could get it from a toilet seat. So she was just like, but somebody had to clean out the trailer and re-rent it. How old were you in 85, 84? 85. I was like six. How old were you?

In 85, four? Yeah, 83. Oh, 83. I was five. Five years old. So you remember the big year. So obviously you remember the AIDS can. Mm-hmm.

Like people lost. Yeah. Fucking minds. I remember even in the 90s, like with Magic Johnson, people thought he was a goner. By 91, it was still, but 80, 86, oh, my fucking God. That was when they were talking about, like, handshakes and shit. You might get it from a fucking handshake. It was still fucking, you know, poor gay men were getting fucking abused.

But it helped me, because that's when I got, went to prison. So they built an AIDS unit. and there was six beds, but they had four of them in the bed, like four guys with HIV in the unit. So it was, it was, it was, there was room. It was two units that were two rooms that were open. And there were two units that were open. And I would hang out in there, like everybody knew to hang out in the age unit.

Because they explained it to us. There was four guys that had HIV. So instead of people being weird to them, they came out and would talk to us about it. And another four guys were gay. Well, that's what they told us at the time. They told us they had all gotten it from intravenous use. And, you know, listen, I don't have HIV. So obviously hanging out with them.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know. But it was really like that's how even prisons, that don't give a fuck. Prisons don't give a fuck. They work a year behind schedule.

You know what I'm saying? When they came to HIV, everybody was fucking quick and fast. Like, in a way, it was kind of like governmental, but in a way it was like, let's build something to get away from these fucking people. Like, here's this prison camp that was there, Lincoln was there.

And right next to it, all of a sudden they built this beautiful fucking, six room condo with fucking a kitchen, the microwave, refrigerator, you know, the whole fucking deal. It was just, it was tremendous to watch. I don't know what the fuck we're talking about.

It's tough, though, a tough thing to have to get the HIV to get into the nice digs. It's a tough price to pay. Price of admissions, a little pricey. You're like, I'll be a friend of theirs and go hang out. crazy is this that those guys got me through that prison sentence yeah it's like it was me him there was a four or five of us that hung out full time the HIV unit and there were two particular

guys that had HIV that hanged with us and they were hilarious the one black we would gamble we would gamble big in there they controlled all the gambling like we'll control the third of the gambling in the prison and the one black guy that had hath been HIV would just taunt you and you couldn't beat him up because he already had AIDS. He was going to die. So he would just go, Dennis, it looks like your team. Who did you bet? The Browns? It looks like, it ain't over to the fat lady sings, but she's busting out of the limo right now and he would go, waka, walka, walk, walk, walk, walk,

and that's what he would do the people. He would just torn. He was just taunt against. He would just taunt people to death. He would just keep going, waka, walka, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, oh. Oh my God, there was a Mexican guy that was like the original leader of the Mayans. Oh, the fucking, like the motorcycle. Like he looked like it and the whole thing.

Yeah. He had the tattoos everywhere, but he was a heroin guy. And the HIV guys were still doing heroin in there. Nobody bought them. Like, that's how much people didn't care to even fuck with them. Damn. How many guys do you think who you did time with have seen you on something? They're like, is that fucking?

I don't think anybody. You don't think anybody? Can you open that door? Oh, yeah. I'm getting fucking, uh. How expensive our needles? Like, why is everyone sharing needles all the goddamn time? Because when you're getting high, right?

When you're getting high and you're in that fucking world, you know, us three hook up. It's like the way we smoke a joint, we share a needle. Don't you? Oh. Listen, Lee. That's so fucking scary. Lee, do I share needles? No.

No, I know you don't. It's like I fucking share the needles. People are still sharing needles now and they know shit. Yeah. Like, back then, they didn't know shit. I don't share fucking needles. So I don't know. anything about that world but it's weird that that's when you get nine you're that

far gone yeah yeah you got yeah I don't think the priorities are you know let me make sure I just me I just met him at the train station in North Hollywood okay I just met him at the train station North Hollywood he got me he got me to a guy that sold me a four dollar bag of age and part of his thing is that he gets a taste so now we walk over we get to meet each other. You're from whatever. Boston. I'm from Jersey. Holy shit. You're Boston Red Tons. I'm like the Yankees. We come over here.

And it's just like when a guy tells he's got HIV. We come over here and I'm like, all right. I go, I don't have a rig. I don't have a rig that I haven't used in 10 hours. So I'm going to look at him and go, he looks like a pretty trustworthy guy. Right? He's from Boston. I mean, what kind of

can he have? What kind of disease can he have? It's the same is not. using a condo. It's like, yeah. It's all the fucking time. You're like, yeah. Boom, and all of a sudden I shoot in 10 years from now, I got a cough. I'm getting a little dizzy. I go to the hospital and I tell me I have HIV and I go, yeah, but I'm not gay. I know you're not gay. We know that. No. Whatever, you know, however it gets transmitted, that's how, that's how quick it is.

Well, did you hear about the, uh, and I forget the name of the group, but it was like punk rock artist in Cuba who specifically infected themselves with HIV or AIDS to like they got put into like some housing with just them so they wouldn't get messed with it. Same thing. Listen, you look over at a guy he's like I got fucking HIV and they give me all these benefits.

Who knows? Who the fuck knows why they do that shit? I don't live in Cuba so I can't tell you. Maybe if I lived in Cube I'd shoot myself with the... I go down a local CVS. You know what I want the heavy duty flu shot today. Give me the one of the rocks. You know what I'm saying? Give me the one that gives you a fucking cough and foot so I'm saying so I can really complete the fucking process I don't know why.

Where do you get this shit, Lee? You have too much time on your fucking hands to read this shit. Are you a fan of the band? I don't see this shit. You never saw it? I think it was like a vice video or something. No, I don't look at that. You never saw it?

I'm trying to feed a family. I got tired to look at the vice video. I thought you was. No, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. Like people send me like videos. I just put a thumbs up.

and keep moving out with my life. I don't look at your fucking video. I ain't got time. I might press that thing next to you know I voted for Trump and Russia. You know what I'm saying? Like, you don't know what you're changed. I don't have video. People always think you have the weirdest to shit just because you fucking came from there.

People think you have all this time. Yeah. Who the fuck has time? I wish I had time to sit in front of a computer and see who's tweeting what and what time. I don't. I get on there. I say what I got to do. And I move the fuck on it.

Yeah. Sometimes somebody calls me and they go, hey, I just sent you the details. I tweeted it to you. on Twitter, the message thing, and I'll look at that, or I'll Twitter them the address to the podcast studio, but besides that,

I don't go, I don't read the articles on the fucking computer, do I give a fuck? If it's not on Yahoo, when I click in, if it's not that first article on Yahoo, you're out.

And I even give Yahoo an extra second to click in that second one, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. The first one is always some Trump shit, then the second one, they show people running in a tropical storm. That's it.

Yahoo's always the same. It just clicks on... It's no more Kardashian stuff? No, they don't, give a fuck anymore. You got to scroll down pretty far to get to that shit. I don't even scroll. I don't give a top and that's it. I don't give a fuck about

the news. But you watch a world news tonight whatever that is. Which world news day? Because I have dinner like a family person. And at 6.30, you can't just run out on your fucking family. So you sit there, you put TV on. And I like the old lady, the blonde lady, for fucking 10 years. I liked her. Diane Sawyer. Now

she retired. She moved on. She went out to interview somebody last week. Sally Field. Big Yahoo. I was really excited about seeing that one, Diane Sawyer. She's been, since Bert Reynolds, doesn't she have a book out or something to it at the same time? She dated Bert Reynolds, right? Or married? Yeah.

Was she married? I don't know. I just see her everywhere now that once he passed away, you keep seeing stuff about Sally Field. I tell you what, man, Sally Field looks like a million fucking bucks. I don't think she did plastic surgery. No, I think she let it go naturally, which is fucking rare, even for dudes. You look at like Elon Musk. Have you ever seen that dude?

No. You see what he used to look like when he was like 21? just bald dudes now got hair plugs looks like he has chin implants all this shit yeah I saw him smoke to join on rogue

isn't that crazy that that shit like changed the stock price what that did for me was let you know that podcast now people are going to pay more attention to the podcast yeah yeah that was just a step up when Obama didn't marry well yeah when Obama didn't marry

that was a step up for people yeah like fucking Obama did marry that's a pretty step up. Now Elon Musk goes on Rogan and smokes a joint on Rogan. That'll give, that just gave podcasts enough up. I mean, the television industry went home that night. We'll lose. Yeah, what are we doing? Yeah. They couldn't get him on, they couldn't get him to smoke on World News tonight.

Diane Sawyer doesn't smoke. She quit. Not even Vice got him to smoke. Fuck that whole marijuana channel. What's the other one they got? Fucking you guys too. He went on Rogan, took a joint, hit a joint event, like he had been doing it for years. His eye opened up. He looked like Lee. He looks like, wait, he does the bogg it, the eyes go backwards and shit. But he got just upped it for everybody. I don't know. Yeah, man.

I think it was that same week or the week before Marinette Paul McCartney. Yeah. It was like, fuck. Between the two of them. That's tremendous. Would you imagine that? Like, that podcast caused a multi-billion dollar company to go down like six fucking percent. I mean, that's what a fucking power.

But then a week later, he's a world news, so that he's sending people to the moon and people have signed it up. Yeah, no, he, I don't think it's going to affect it. crazy the short-term thing and i wouldn't get listen listen to me there is no way on earth that they're going to let somebody regular go up for the fucking move that's never going to happen the chinese billionaire that's who got it listen to me it doesn't matter but the chinese billion i don't get who the richest guy in the world is that plane will blow up like with that school teacher yeah i'd never forget that thing going up and be going she's never going to make it i swear

to my daughter mercy that i'd never got a premonition like that before i'm I remember still being, I was in a video store in Snowmass Village, Colorado, and I was working. And I had the TV, a bunch of people walked in. And even before they launched, I go, that thing is not going to make it because they don't want to get the American public the idea. Like, oh, shit, we got to listen to this guy. What should we rank? I didn't say it. I didn't say it.

Yeah. When they all started yelling at a thing and the fingers going down, the school teacher from Florida is dead, that's a message. Yeah. Okay, yeah. I was watching that live in first grade. Yeah, we all were. The teachers were like, uh, let's turn that off. Turn that the fuck off.

That killed people, but in my heart, I swear to God, I knew that mission was never going to be complete. Because they're not going to let that happen. NASA's work spent billions of dollars. You just have. To go into the fucking moon. Regular Jones just go up to fucking. Elon Musk keeps failing at a fucking self-driving car. You're going to trust a rocket ship to the moon, your fucking dummies, really?

Would you get in the car, though? Not even a million dollars. not even for a million dollars when I get in the self-driving car. That is the dumbest white people shit in the fucking world. You got to be the dumbest, you know, what's that thing they call white, not supremacy. Privilege. Privilege kind of shit ever that you get in a white car. You deserve to fucking die a 405.

You deserve for a truck to jump the HOV lane and to catch you for your car to go on flames. Don't never let that happen either. Don't never let that happen either. can't make it happen. Don't never let that happen either. Because that's one of the fucking, that'll be responsible for one fucking accident per week, one of those fucking stupid cars. Or somebody takes over the

grid and it's responsible for like 200,000 people died in fucking once. All that should never happen. This guy's, I don't care if it's a Chinese billionaire, that thing will get shot down before it even starts. If you think Kennedy's head blew up with that fucking bullet hit him, wait until you see that rocket

blow up. There's a complication and it's set back three years and by that time, wants to go to the moon. By your fucking business. It'll never happen. Well, there's people who've signed up to, like, be the first group of people to move tomorrow's permanently. Yeah.

I know people who signed up to get up the ass with Shaquille O'Neill. Not those beef. He's going to put that big black dick up their fucking asshole either. You need some old school guys. Like, those badass guys. The first guys go to the moon. Like, those guys could handle some shit. Wait, listen, I could sell you...

I can bet all of you motherfuckers. I could disappear for five years and come back. and sell Mars vacations on fucking late night TV. Like, I'll come up at midnight with a mustache and start selling Mars vacation. Vibrators are there right now waiting for your call. Here's a brochure to Mars. It'd be just funny how many pamphlets you would send out.

Yeah. And how many people you would close and get a deposit on? I guarantee you I would get. If I sent out 100 pamphlets or whatever, week I would close 20 those people a week that's how good I am especially now at this age I don't give a fuck I was killing people with the phones when I was 21 I can't imagine what I could do to you now on the fucking phone with fucking Mars time shares Marz time shares grab your American Express car this is how easy this is we're

gonna it's 50,000 dollars I'm not looking for 50,000 dollars we're looking for a $20,000 initial investment down payment yeah but my intern is your attorney can't see anything because your attorney's gonna talk you out of it because it's a trip to Mars. I think you're fucking crazy. What we're going to do is this. Grab the American Express card. It starts with a five. I think it starts with a five. That's discovered. Whatever. What's it start with?

And every time they reject you, how's your name started in the car? It's Jose, right? Give me the J. How does it start? Jay. You just keep closing. And I will get 20 motherfuckers to sign up for Mars trips and never see UGATS. Joey Mars Diaz. Jari Mars Dia.

I will send you to wherever you want to go if you let me. Do you know what I'm saying? If you let me, I'll send you wherever you want to go. There's enough people out there. There's enough fucking morons. There's still people at home that are taking calls that are going to the bank and paying somebody on the corner because the IRS is coming to the house to rob them.

There's still people paying people online. They get emails that they've inherited a million dollars when it went through London. And you've got to pay a Nigerian call Maluk Maluk. $100,000 via fucking Africa. There's people that fall for that dumb shit every day. I see it. I see people.

I tell Lee all the time. Why he hasn't borrowed $20,000 and opened up a podcast in school and put a picture of Joe Rogan, be like Joe Rogan. Put billboards already. Put billboards all over Hollywood. Yeah. Put one in front of the grumblings. One of those shitty improv groups.

The grumblings? All those shitty groups. Yeah. Where are you going from there? The grumblings. You know what I'm saying? No, man. Dude, yeah.

That's it. Yeah. But he don't want to do. Or do the late night talks, sell fucking tapes of you teaching people out of podcast. Oh, you have no idea. Clean up, man. Clean up. When I first got acting teachers,

this is acting teachers getting their balls fans right now. And there's a dad writing a check because they're going to teach movement. Get the fuck out of here. What do you think Queen Latifah how to move and ice cube in the ghetto? How can make it act?

You know what I'm saying? You just cannot fathom it. I met kids along the way that told me that I would bump into seven years later. I'm like, you still go to acting class. Yeah, she told me I'm not ready yet. I saw a guy that wasn't ready for 10 years. Then he became an agent.

And then he got out of her business all together. 10 years. He spent six years on a van der Chobbik and then four at the other rip-off school on LaBreya. And then fucking think about those stand-up classes too. Like how are you going to teach anybody how to do fucking stand-up? I wouldn't pay for one of those. I wouldn't pay it. I wouldn't pay $50 over $50.

I'd pay for a $50 stand-up workshop from a fucking working comedy. Yeah. But the very, I mean, how often is it? That's the teacher. Very rare. 50 bucks is the most you should pay for a three-hour seminar on something. Yeah.

But some of these are like multi-week. Remember they used to do the belly room? Was it Greg Dean's Comedy School? Where is Greg Dean? Fuck, I don't know. He disappeared. Somebody shot him. He gave me his book once on stand-up comedy because he used to work the phones when they would do that.

And, I mean, it's just, I mean, it's nonsense. I think that a comic needs a little guidance and he wants to ask a couple questions at the beginning. Or just do a show like a veteran comic. A friendly, They give you that very friendly first show where all the students go up. So it's kind of like a padded. I paid 35 bucks for three weeks. You didn't?

Yeah. That's not for me. It was three hours every Sunday for three weeks. He covered comedy stand up. Then we did a performance and he gave you a little bit of critique. But did he at all try to like stifle like if you say you had a joke that was like really you and they're like, well, I don't know if that's going to fucking work. Why don't you do? Hey, I look like so and so had a baby or something.

Did they ever try to pull that? No, at that time it was really basic 101. Okay. Uh, open up with your second best joke, close with your best joke. It was the teacher. His name was, I just, you know what? I think he's pissed at me or something. So every once in a while I hit him up on Facebook, he's never hit me back.

That's like, give a fuck. He's in Florida teaching Improv classes or some shit, you know. Yeah. Figur you'd be his number one of the number one students. Yeah, he was like, he was like a stand-up guy. And then early on he went to ships. And him and his wife were like a comedy team that were part of him and his wife like part of the improv troupe that was like Fleetwood Meck. Like everybody started fucking everybody else's wife and the troop and shit.

And it wasn't funny anymore. The fucking drama behind the improv group. Yeah, it was like when I first joined up with him. Yeah. I took that as a continuing education class at the University of Colorado. But you did it to like just get over some just get comfortable on stage. I mean, stand-up as an art form, like, you know, you're going to have to fucking eat shit for years. A lot of people don't think that.

I mean, a lot of people don't think that. I've heard, if you ever heard comics, I've never bombed once. Oh, no, no, no, no. I know comics that destroy every night. Yeah, all the time. And that's how you know. Right there. Well, they tell you that.

Okay, good. But you've seen them and you're like, well, yeah. Oh, no, no. I'm watching, but yeah, yeah, you destroyed. What about the guys that you see years later? They're telling you to destroy it and they haven't written a joke. Yeah. Since you saw four years earlier.

Yeah. Those are the ones that really scare the fuck out of me. Or the guys that you've seen on their HBO special in like the 80s, and then you see them and they're doing the same shit. Now, which one of you guys worked at the store? We both did, yeah. Both years. Where did you get that?

He started, we both, I showed up there. I moved here in 2003, early 2003. He started working at the store, what, a year before me? Yeah, I was there. I started working in 2003 at the store. I did the open mic for like nine months, started like Thanksgiving-ish, And then, yeah, I got hired probably like nine months later to work. How did you work there for?

Four years. Did you become a regular? Yeah. She was at that weird time where, you know, she was, like, I showcased for her, I don't know, a dozen times. And every time she fucking did nothing. It's the worst. And do you remember when you used to go up front? Like, it was the only time I ever had like shortness of breath and you're fucking, like,

you're like, this never happens. And then she's in there and the way she would ice that room. I mean, you would be like, you'd be like a child. It was like you never did standup before. They would. So we got hired. I got hired there after him. And this was a different era there.

There was no audiences there really at all. Nobody, nobody. Dead. Dean Gilbert ran it. Mitzie wasn't coming around. And Tommy would come up to him. Wow. Mitzie's coming in tonight.

You guys have to showcase for your jobs. It's like, wait. It's illegal now when you think about like this shit. So to keep your job, you'd have to go up in front of Mitzie. And if she deemed you not, you could lose your job. because of a bad set. And so you'd be terrified. And you would see, you know, like, I remember seeing Chris Rock look in the room,

and he was going to go up. And then he turned the corner, saw Mitzie and the seat show he said it. Out. He was gone. Yeah, yeah, I'm good. Thanks. I'm like, I'm going to go out. I don't know if this.

I don't know if I don't know what the guy's name is. He's still around. I get up there. I'm the host on a Sunday night. When we started you, you were hosting. I was host on Sunday night. The Cuban Egg Roll. So I used to host, take my dick out.

Yeah. Yeah, it's fucked up. I took my dick out if you were on stage behind the curtain. I knew how to get them behind the... Ari Shafir once hit me in the balls from behind the curtain. I was on stage. I figured out how to go from behind the curtain to the stage and take my dick out of you. You could get great laughs back there because the comic, but if no clue, they think they were killing.

I did it to somebody, and she bombed every... She bombed for 20 fucking years up there. Mitzie just liked her because there was something about her. There's a handful of those. And I took the curtain and I got completely naked. And she was on stage. That's when there was scattering of people. Yeah.

23 scattered in the room, which sucks dick in the original room. Oh, it's horrible. And I would just open up the curtain and go like this. Like with the curtain open and then I would just close. And she would think she was slang. Oh, my God. She would think she was killing. And then I got dressed and went out there and watched her like shake everybody's hand.

Like, she was like, oh, my God, thank you. And they're like, you killed. And she ends up Sue and Don Barris, a couple of years. I know. I know not say her day, but we know exactly what you're talking about. So one Sunday night I'm down there. Man, there's a guy with a wig. Now listen, if you're missing a, you got a fucked up eyeball or you're missing a foot,

I'm with you if you're in a wheelchair. But if you're a comic and you have a wig, it's going to be a tough night for you. Like, I don't give a fuck. This was a fucking rug. That was a good rug. It was an expensive rug, but it was a rug. Now, I'm at the door, and in those days, I took every earbeaten imaginable

because I was, she used to let me host the 10 to close. So I'm getting every comic in America chucking me up. We host it there. We host the overmike there for years. Yeah, so you know. Getting head shots. You're everyone's best friend. Everybody's best friend.

Paulie told me I could come in and get a fucking spot. Yeah, it's fucking terrible. My uncle's Dean's landlord. He told me to come in tonight. It's fucking crazy. But then when you say, I don't have time, you've never lost a friend so fast. So she's like, he's telling me that he just opened up a Ron White. And he blew Ron White off the States.

And I'm sitting there those days, like, I was already hip. I'm like, that's great, man. You know? And all I'm thinking of mine is doing this Coke rock that's in my pocket. I can't wait until any Griffin gets here and I can pull him up because I remember that you used to leave

you'd be like halfway through you were fucking done you were quick I figured it out I was doing 10 uppress you give it over to Don Barris I'd give it to Don Barris you would get your shit in

and you'd be like where Joe and your fucking car was out God no drama from Uncle Joey you know so I'm listening to this guy it's an early Sunday I'm there early

I'm not hosting I'm hosting 10 but it's like seven and he's waiting because he got somebody off of the job as a doorman. So sure enough whoever gave the job as

a dormitian he puts his t-shirt on and he has beency sure. He's been a dormant an hour and they say that you want to go up and he goes, yeah, I just blew off Ron White on stage and all this shit talking shit and I'm sitting there and I actually went up there

just to see what was going to happen. You knew something. Come on dog. I'm down. Come on. I've heard every fucking story. Especially there. I told most of them. You know what I'm saying? I told half these stories.

You're going to tell me these fucking stories? But especially there, you know the OR is going to give him a beating. I know the original one's going to give him a beat. He goes up with his comedy store shut up. At the one minute mark, she's in the back going fucking AWOL. Lying him. Lime him. Oh, my God. He's got a wig.

Light him. Get him off my stage. You can hear it. You can hear her. You can hear it. She finds him. him she oh yeah yeah when he got off the stage they're gonna you find you get the t-shirt back he got to take the t-shirt off he threw it at the manager take you take your wig and go

home yeah take your wig and go home oh he was pissed he walked down that block yelling at the comedy store fuck you i'm a great fucking comic she she's put PTSD on people that's it that was PTSD well you want to see it watch comedians and cars when uh shanling and Seinfeld he takes him to the comedy store and Seinfeld's like, I don't want to go there. You can see it in his eyes. He's like, because she wouldn't pass him. And he's like, I don't want to go in the building. He convinced him. And then he went in. And that's when he came back whenever he went back to the comedy store, he was like, oh, yeah, this is a good room. It's fucking crazy. Yeah. It's also, I love the comics, too, that are like, oh, I can't do three minutes.

I'm used to doing 45. I can't do fucking three minutes. Okay. Let's see how the work out. Let's how that three goes. Let's see how that three goes. Not one laugh. That's weird. fucking hilarious. We used to have a lot of Stanhope Wadabees in 2000 and she would throw him off the stage and then when that we got to get it and they would do stolen material

from comedy store comics in front of her. That's what you should be shot. And most of those comics are in the room so it's like that's mine. That's mine. He stole this whole thing of Bill Hicks and the whole room turned out in front of Mitchie short. Like, everybody.

Like, that was one of my favorite Bill Hicks' bits. Why would you wear a cross around your neck? That's the last thing Jesus wants to see when he comes back. He had the balls to say that joke. And I remember, like, my goose hairs went up, and half the room was like, oh. Like, you know, you could steal, but ain't that boy to take that way. And she was like, get him off.

She threw on this other kid that came up here to be the next Bill Hicks out of Houston. she threw him out of there she was like, get him. Man, you imagine you get tossed out. And then when you get tossed out of there, you're done for good. I'll never forget. I'll never forget that.

His manager walked in with him, but on the walk out, he walked out, and his manager was 10 feet behind them. I would never, never forget that. Like, that is fucking humor. Like, that relationship ended on the plane. That's, dude, I couldn't imagine.

Do you do the open mic at the comedy store? Or did you do it? Because I couldn't imagine just going in there. Like, because, you know, that room is such a fucking weird vibe to it. Like, we started out doing the open mic for a long time. Like, there's a level of comfort you have to get in that room

before you can fucking make that thing work for you. Oh, my God. We were open mic and with the legends back when they did, like, the freak show open mic, so Gaylord Dingler, Scotty Barron, you know, like, we're talking the OG. What happened to Gaylord Digler? Why was I accused of murdering him? Like, I read that years later,

they even hired an investigator to see if I murdered him. I never touched that guy There was a guy Mickey, his best friend, who admitted to hitting him with a beer bottle in the head in an alley and left him. We thought he murdered him. And so Mac Lindsay actually went to the police to try to have this

shit solved. Matt Lindsay was the kid with the nose earring for Washington. Where is he? He's in New York. We just saw him in July. We were in New York. What's he doing? He is a phlebotomist, so he takes blood at hospitals and he's like going back to school. Very bright dude. The dude runs Very smart. He runs like

eight miles a day. He got on a stand. No, he's back now. He's back doing a little bit. He was great when I saw me as this new fucking. He was a great writer, but something was not there. And I heard they told him to leave or something. Nice kid.

It was almost like if he was doing really well, he would try to push it to the living. They asked him nicely. Yeah. I think it's time for you to leave. But he's fucking funny, man. Yeah, it was naturally funny. Yeah. But Gaylord Diggler.

Ari Shafir held a trial when he was hosting. He held the trial for this guy, Mickey. But did you kill him? Did you kill him? Did you kill him? and he held the whole trial in front of the whole audience. They did a documentary. On Gaylord, yeah.

And they wanted to interview me to see if I killed him. I'm like, I never heard your name. I didn't know who. How are you associated with it? Because he used to torment me. Really? Gaylord. Gaylord would torment, but I'm very tormentable.

What? And if it was one of those people. Are you serious? He used to torment me. What would he do to you? Just talk to me. Thank you. Thank you.

Like just asked me stupid questions constantly when I was like, When I had $18, but I needed $25 to get half a gram of Coke, when I was $7 a day. The last thing I needed was a question from Gaylord Dingman. I could see that. I can see that. The last thing I fucking need is a question from Gaylord Dinglin. But he would ask me 50 questions a night.

Was it him you would throw ice at? Was that the count? Or is it Scotty Barron? Wasn't one of them you hated? Was it Scottie? Yeah, somebody got it. You got, you used to get into it. Somebody.

Maybe it was Gaylord. Because if you say that he was always fucking with you, you'd come in and throw ice at somebody while they were on stage. I don't remember who it was. Yeah. Yeah, you did. If you were there early, you would go in. Listen, Doug, you got a figure from 97 when I walked in there to about 2000.

The screws weren't really tightened. If I look back at it, like, the screws were not tightened yet. The criminal instincts were lowering, and the comedy confidence was getting a little higher, but I would still let your fucking throw. Like, I would still rob me if I had to. Like, I still did a lot of creepy little things that nobody knew at that time.

But at that time, I was still a little bit on the crazy side. Then I had the beef with the guy who I told not to touch the fucking microphone. It doesn't take it. When you do comedy, the most important thing about doing comedies, being intelligent and being courteous to the guy behind you. You'll never, nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody overtaire that I run a light.

Yeah. Don't run a light in front of me, dog. With that light comes on, it means to get the fuck off in two of the fuck minutes. That's it. Once you do that, you're disrespecting what we're about. Yeah. So, I'm very disrespectful,

I'm very respectful to the comedian. Okay, but you want to lose my respect, do dumb shit. if you're sitting there watching him on stage and you see that Dodo keeps hitting the microphone and it's loosening do be a favor when you come up don't touch that fucking microphone

I don't give a fuck what you're at called for okay you're gonna break the fucking mic because Dodo over here he ain't coming back ever like don't worry about he ain't ever coming back here we already made a note in the back that he fucking broke the microphone

so now you go up here you're going to touch the microphone. So I'm sitting in the back, and I tell me, do me a favor, don't touch the microphone because it's about to break. There's 100 people on a Sunday night. You know what I'm saying? Don't fuck you tonight. We've been working on 64 people every Sunday for the last two months.

Yeah, this is a night. We got 120. Don't touch the mic. What do you think this motherfucker went up there, did? Fucking grab that motherfucker. Grab the fucking mic and it broke. Shut down the show. for six minutes, you might as well fart in the room and stab somebody and hang

Anthony Mordaid in front of everybody. Just coming with Anthony and Hager. You ain't getting a laugh now for another 30 fucking minutes. That show is all about momentum. And you break that? Yes. Yes. When that guy had a plan, he couldn't deal.

Yes. When you got the three minutes, momentum going in the room and good open micers are going up and they're fucking improvising and they're bombing and they're improvising the bomb. And you're going up there? Yeah. You come and say a couple funny things. you get those laps, you bring the next guy up, though.

Yeah, and this motherfucker, after I told him, now, here's the other part of that story. I get it. I didn't become a color because I follow rules. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you see that the fucking microphone is... But some rules are you... The string is barely hanging off. Barely hanging off. Those mics are from, like, most of those mics were from the Kennison arrow. They were all fucked up. They were dented as fuck.

Yeah. Dice we bought them. And then Rogan did. Rogan re-bought him. Yeah. So Rogan paid for the system and nice paid for something. But that night, when he got off and I got off, I went up to him like a man. I go, hey, man, I asked you like a man, not to touch the microphone.

He threw a verbal tirade at me. That ended up not Bueno for him. He got thrown out of there. Then he attacked me in San Diego to hit him with a cue ball. Jesus. This is like fucking a seagull movie, man. Remember the little table they had? It wasn't a pool table.

Foozball, wasn't it? It was not Fuzbo. It was a Fuzbo? It still has pool sticks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It has little things in the middle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you're talking about.

Right. Like a fucking miniature one where you get there. When they called La Jolla and said they were there to threaten me, I took all of those, put it in my pockets. Put one out in the flower plants in the front. I took every night from the kitchen. No bartends could cut lemons. Every drink was given that night with fucking no lemons in them. I had every knife in the fucking building.

And I saw them make the left turn on to Main Street. And I saw them. pull out water pistols. And as they were about to throw water pistols, they were leased one of those cue balls at their car. They're dented, and they fucking ran off into the night. And they called the Hollywood Comedy Store, and they called the police on me and everything.

Yeah, I had beefs from those fucking Monday to Sundays, because it was a thin life, a line between mental health. Now, boom, chakalaka. You could tell they let him on on Sundays for Spinnorette Day, right? Yeah, yeah. 20 years. You could tell they let him on Sundays to see the birds

and different colors. I never had a problem with him. I also got accused of lightning to one guy on fire one night would lock himself in the bathroom. Wait, John, was that? Oh, no, oh, uh, at Provide. At Provide.

Yeah, he, uh, he's accused us a few times. I got to call in Miami one day. Did you light him on fire in the bathroom? I'm out of the fucking state. Stop accusing me and doing shit to people. They let him in the, they lit him in the men's bathroom. Oh, no, they locked him in the bathroom. And they put toilet paper.

in the window and they live on fire and he's in there banging the fucking door did you let him on fire at a different point or no I think I did something else to him but it was a different point that was always lock him in the bathroom that was a given we always locked as soon as he got that went up to him with a hynican he i don't drink here and have a water there was a night where robin williams was in there uh in the store and we we've been working there for a long time in apravia who was he missy would let him close the open mic for like 25 years so he saw robin williams coming, all these guys come and go. But when they would come back, he was like stuck, like a fucking mosquito stuck in the amp,

you know, like from a hundred years ago. Doing the same bits. So we see Robin Williams watching him from the back of the OR. And there's nobody in the O'R. It's just Robin Williams in the back, watching Bob. And we're standing in the back hallway. And O'Neil goes, you ever see this? Do you remember this guy? And he turns to us. And he goes, no, I've never seen

that guy in my life. Look like he saw a ghost. And he fucking bounced out of the club. We went outside and go. Where did he go? He disappeared. Like, he was in rehab. Three weeks later. He was spooked. It was a fucking. He was fucking spooked.

We knew that he knew him because Don said he used to do an impression of Eprovaya. And he's like, oh, yeah, he knew him. And so, yeah, I think seeing him of like, my life is gone. So far in one direction, this guy's been stuck in this same exact spot doing the same exact thing. There was a couple people who had mental health issues in those days. Yeah. It was very heavy mental health on Sunday nights. Yes, it's changed a lot.

Yeah, changed a lot. That's how we were. able to stand out just because we were normal guys. Normal guys. There were employees who had had met a lot of issues. Listen, when I got there, there was a little couple of employees that were a little on the crazy side. White dudes. Yeah? They looked like

linen skinned. It was like four of them. And one of them all deemed the back on heroin. Oh, yeah. Yeah. This was 97. And then they cleaned up a little bit. The store cleaned up. But the OR, the

the open mic side of it, stayed. It's fucking crazy. There's still some crazy people who I see it open money. They cleaned it up, though, compared to what it was. It was like, it would be like, sometimes it was no normal people because you knew you had to draw those numbers. So sometimes it would just be all insanity. There was a girl that was really pretty that used to show up sometimes on Sunday nights. This is 2009 because Sunday nights were cool because it was open.

Mike from 7 to 10 employees and friends from 9 to 10 So then you had the professionals from 10 to close And I would host that and bring up Eddie Rogan Paul Mooney Dice one of those guys they did an hour Then everybody else went up But what the fuck it started getting popular

Especially Sunday nights when Monday would be off Oh those were crazy those are the crazy ones When we would host the OG paid regulars would come in and demand to go up because they knew it would be a packed out fucking house so those nights were always crazy there was a little run that what was the japanese girl that came in for a while and the black guys took her in ate her up and spit her out of line yokeu real cute i go iko no no no no no she's not around no more this one oh to myo was it tomorrow was it no myo was the one that was that was old edison yeah and then one came in like in 2000

pretty funny. She started getting spots, but she leaned over to the fucking freaky Monday side and she ended back in Japan with a black baby, right? Like they fucked them pregnant and death. Nobody knew who the father was. Yeah, they fucked

a little Japanese pussy to death. Nobody knew what the father was. She was scratching their head. I know that. She may have left right before we got that. Yeah, she left. It was crazy down there. But there was a girl that would show up. And I didn't put this together.

to like a year afterward because everything was moving so fast and you're trying to decipher different characters on Sunday nights Sunday nights Mondays there's such a different character count down there what was the old school guys that just weighed at them and those guys he were there from McKesson days uh and they would sign up on Sundays and nobody were really talked on no more but they would stick it out until 2 o'clock the duo was it a duo there was a couple You talk about Piper and Tupper? Do you remember those two dudes? Piper and Tupper?

They were from like a whole over from a whole little era and they came back. There was occasionally some people that would show up and be like, I was here then. You know, they'd tell you their story. You're like, yeah, I don't. I don't give a shit, man. Your name's not on that list. This is my kid. Now he's 18.

He was like, okay. My name is written by the other side of the building. When I worked a lot, you'd have guys come in like that. And they'd be like, do you know who I am? And I'd be like, I just start working here. Like, no, I've never seen you. And they'd be like, like, you got. And pissed it, you didn't know who it was.

You're like, I've never seen you in my life. That was a crazy girl that would go on there on Sunday nights with a wig. Oh, there was a, wait, did she end up in the ding-dog show? Blue Iris? Oh, yeah, wait, the granny point? Real pretty girl. Real pretty, 24, open-night girl. She would always pull up in a cab and go in, and then she would do her set in the wing.

And she was pretty in the wig. When she took the wing off, she was even prettier. But then one night, like, she cornered me like you're the host yeah she cornered me and she gave me a ferocious ear beating I thought you're going to say blowjob

back then you could trade spots for like blow jobs and shit they were fucking crazy people yeah people do anything to get on there anything anything it was such a crazy but I still remember a certain woman what was the girl who came up with the Mercedes and she had fake tits

and the doctor didn't do it right so there was a vein in her tit that was gigantic up in the top of the tit the tit didn't just go natural she wasn't even that attractive but they didn't the fake tits for her and she had a yellow car

like a yellow oh oh don't say her name I know you say yeah do you remember she had the big tits but the tits were up here like she did it up in Mexico yeah it's like right under

and they put them under her neck like right under the collar bone and they took this vein from the tit from the neck and they put it over with a tip you like you stab that vein you'd kill her yeah it's like it cost it too much to run it underneath the bar she put it over the fucking top she would get spots just on sundays yeah i know you talking about i have an idea that i could be completely off and i'm not going to say it's it no i think i

know who it is barbie yeah was it barbie yeah no i was in a different direction oh we oh we i know you were going different mercedes same do you remember the bit i don't this made me of one time but You know some people's bits you remember, but you once did a bit about doing fucking wheatgrass, a shot of wheatgrass, and then you said you made it out your door into the garage, you had to pull down your pants, you took a shit so big it looked like a lion just took a shit.

I remember the bit too. We were crying, and I don't know if you ever did it again. I got hooked on wheatgrass for a while, because in my mind, no matter how much coke I did, if I drank a shot of wheatgrass and had some sushi, I was nullified.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. My system was clean and yang. Yeah, so I would blast out, Two of those fucking, now they call the E3. Like now it's a complete, you know, supplement, whatever. No wonder you can eat hot animals if you're drinking wheatgrass.

Back of the day, they give you, they just would rip off a piece of grass. If I put it in that thing. Yeah. And you just do a shot of it with something else. And it would clean me out, Jack. Like, it was like getting frozen yogurt and looking at it, going, Jesus.

I'll have been driving over it one night. Like, I remember one night I had to stop. I couldn't even make it. That's the night that I wrote the joke about. But I had like two shots of it. And I went out. And on the way home, I'm like, oh, my God, I got a ship, but I'm never going to make it upstairs.

So I never forget this. I pulled up to my driveway. And I go, there's only one way I can get away with this. If I shoot the garage. So I opened up the garage door. And when I went in, I forgot I put the headlights on. So here I am with my pants around my ankle. The shit's about to blow out of my ass.

I got the headlights on me. Had to run with my pants around my ankles. Turned the headlights off. In the middle of all that, I turned around, and it just blew out of my ass. Like, one of those things. I just went, ah. And you can hear, like, my stomach draining

and every intestine just draining out. And I fucking, like, looked around. There were some rags. Had to bring it on the car with it. I just wiped my ass with these oily rags. I pulled my pants on, right? And I never forget, like, staggering out of there. It was like, and I'm not even trying to be cute.

It was like I got fucked in the ass by 20 fags at a party. Like, I was it that night, and they all fucked me because I could. They had fucked the equilibrium on the me. Like, I had shit so much that the equilibrium had been out of my body. Like, that's how sick I was. Like, I got up and I was stumbling around it. And I had to sit in my car, like huff and puff and I had the headlights off. So I just drove in.

Over it? Not with the tires. No, I'm saying? Like over it, like it was like right under. just covered up the evidence so i drove over with the car like the wherever i was sitting the ship was right under it like burning simmering out of that and i remember closing the door and walking and then like going oh my god my wife's going to get the car in the morning and she's going to see this shit and walking back and i could still smell it like it was in the air like i'm like i'm not going

back there oh my god it was horrible and when i walked upstairs i remember my wife was sitting on the couch and i walked right to the bathroom and finished like the other 20 ounces that I had left. And I remember when I came out, she goes, what is that smell? Like, that's how bad it was. It came from outside? It came, no, it came. Yeah, it was following me.

It was like, it was stuck with my clothes. You have a fart that just gets stuck in your sweats. Yeah, yeah. And you're sitting on a plane, you're like, I can still smoke my ass through this fucking sweat because that fart is trapped in between the underwear layer. It's a fucking. Have you guys ever peed your pants or shit your pants on, like, on the way to a gig or add a gig?

No. And have to do a head. No, I almost had a half. in the other day. Yeah, that's you. Because you're looking. You go a pocket. You have a heart of that. Which one was it? Almost shitting pants on the drive there. I didn't, I didn't, but I thought I'd have to cancel the show.

You didn't piss or shit him? I didn't. How did you have to pay? You couldn't just pull over and just fucking. No, no, I had to shit. And I'm not going to do it outside. A friend of our shit, uh, shit his pants and then did a commercial audition with, uh, with his pants. He farted and then shit his pants. And then he took his, he went the bathroom,

when he had uh he shit through his underwear and then the back of his pants had like a dime size speck of shit on which he says dime size but if he admits dying that's at least quarter and then there was a bunch of kids at this audition because he was auditioning for some kids thing and so he gathered them all around and he's like hey kids any you guys smell shit they're like no and he goes all right i guess i'm all right then is it me or does somebody smell something that's what i always say i'll open up with that line is it me and somebody else i smell something too now you got it off you now at least it's not on you maybe you walked in with it or where was that where i farted and the guy walked right into it the store we know it was poor bass

i just fart i could feel it creeping up my neck i could feel that he hit my neck and he tapped me from behind he's like you're up next and when he looked at me i could see him going to like this fucking semi-trans and he didn't admit it i got you smell the front he goes no bullshit it hit him it hit him it hit him like the next day i asked him he goes oh it was terrible You remember Brad Watson, the piano guy? Yes. He once farted so bad that Eddie Griffin was on stage and he did like 20 minutes on how bad they shit smelled.

Nobody accused these two women who were sitting here on the keyboard. Oh, that's the worst fun. These poor women. They ended up leaving too. Poor Brad Watson. He got no respect that poor guy. We always liked him. Where is he?

I see him at the Hollywood YMCA when I don't live in Hollywood anymore, but he works on the Hollywood Y. He plays a piano on Sunday since they don't have the open mic. He's a regular show. of a guy yeah but i never forget we torched him one night because he's one of those guys that got a dog to get girlfriends i remember you would ride him pretty hard yeah we used to torment him yeah well you would pull up i think if he was outside the parking lot you'd be watson yeah because he was a piano playing on sunday nights and he would always say something fucking crazy to me like are you gonna no i'm gonna no i'm gonna do magic trick tonight yeah i'm doing fucking stand up like he would always ask me some creepy

fucking question some fucking just obvious yeah and i like jeff you know what i'm saying like i was used to jeff you just went up with jeff watson would always drive me crazy but i never forget one night watson got a dog just to meet chicks but he got the ugliest dog in the world and the dog was missing a tooth like the ear was god nobody even like the fucking dog i remember going up to him go why did you get this dog was it to meet girls and he's like kind of and he got the wrong fucking dog guy like he was just like he couldn't do anything right yeah he could not He could fuck up like a wet, like there was just so much, go Sunday nights. I did him for, what, 10 years maybe?

Like when I started to go there, Freddie Soto was the host. Yeah, we got there. Well, you were still host. Oshack. Oshack. Oshack. You were like, I think, just about done with it. Yes.

Ari was starting. Renazizi was starting. Bobby Stropshire, you remember her? Yes. With the rat tail? Oh, yeah. Caparillo. The rat tail braid. Yeah, but where is it?

Bobby Stratosphere. Who knows? Trouchire? I don't know, man. She's very nice lady. She was nice. No clue, though. There was a couple other women, too.

Who was that? There was another woman that. Christy Miller? Yeah, Christy Miller. Wilde Lug face. That's what they used to say. Christy Miller, white a long face. Christy Miller was a soldier.

She's still around. Mooney would take her on the road. Yeah, she's still around, Christy Miller. She still did the bit about sucking the gear shift to jerk it off. the parking? I don't know. I know that she's still around.

She's in New York. That's crazy. That's why I see pictures around on Facebook. Yeah, she was good. You know what I always wanted to ask you? In like 2004, I'm riding my bike along the L.A. River

down by like Frogtown, and I stopped to get some water like on my water bottle, and I hear this voice. And I look over this fence. And here's you walking out of this fucking warehouse in like this industrial area. And I was like,

what the fuck is he doing it here? Where was it? You know where Frogtown is? No. So you know where like the two freeway is between the two and the one tan along the L.A. River? Like between like Dodger Stadium and like Highland Park. It was just a real shithole. I remember asking Ari about it.

And he's like, you know, who knows what he could be going to do anything there? I remember you walked out of this. I heard somebody. I heard your voice. And then I look over this fence. It's just you leaving this fucking warehouse. And it's just like a totally abandoned area. have a bunch of shit-stained rags.

I mean, I don't know why you would remember it, but I don't know if you were, if it's like a place you would go or anything. I don't even know what area you're talking about. You got to be more fucking specific. I'm trying to think of the fucking name. More specific than Hollywood Park. I don't fucking know. Do you know where, fuck, what's, yeah, I mean, it's not really like a distinct area.

It's like around Highland Park and like Glass-L Park by the L.A. River. Like on the other side of the hill from Dodgers State. medium. Huh. You know where Fletcher is? You know where Fletcher and Riverside is? No. Just on north of the Silver Lake.

I don't like Duncan and Glendale. I used to go to Mimis and Glendale. Yeah, I don't know what this is. My uncle lives in between the Mimis and like when you make the exit and Los Feliz. But that's it. That's the only reason why I don't be in those places at all. I feel like I derailed the show like that guy.

I grab the fucking microphone. Maybe I went for an audition. But it was, I was just like, what the fuck? Because I was in, it was a sketchy area. And I was like, oh, what the fuck over here? There was that voice. I remember you guys from the comedy store. The comedy store was just.

It was down. It was just an, it was a place run by the inmates. Yeah. When that's our time there was Mitzie was, her health was failing. And I remember Frasier Smith. He used to come in and say, man, this reminds me of Brentwood. which was they said the inmates ran the asylum and so it was just a madhouse it was no rules really it was just insane i remember you would come in you would drive in i'd be working the lot he would

usually be doing the back door and you'd say who you guys fucking with tonight yeah you're all these ass guys more often than not there could there could have been someone in our crosshairs yeah man that was a fucking it was a great time to develop though because you can do whatever the fuck you would have you know it's become a showcase club it's got it's changed a lot But I went back to doing what the fuck I'd do in there again. Yeah, that was it. I changed up. I had that fear for about the last year.

I kept bitching. Then I realized it was just an excuse on my part. I kept saying, well, if you go down there, you can't work out. What's the use of going down there? If you can't work out, it's still the best place in the fucking world. So who gives a fuck? Just go down there and do old material, new material. If you get one thing off that's new, go.

I just go down there and let my mind run away. I use the economy store now as like, how lucky am I that I could go to that gym in Florida and Mohammed Ali used the train. That's what the comedy store is. I don't put the radio on the way down to the comedy store. I just dip into a part of my life that I hadn't thought about in a long time

just to get my mind exercising. So when I pull into the store, my mind's already moving. I don't really want to... The only problem I have with the store is that now we have people that go down there to see us. Yeah. So that takes away from the original planning of it.

Yeah. Especially you got you, Rogan, Burt. I avoid those people before I go up. My thing is to smoke a joint and get there an hour before my call time and watch the four comics before me. That's how I do. That's my Tuesday night assignment to watch Ali Wong. Sometimes people corner you, though.

People fucking corner you. No, I sit down at a fucking row. there's a rule number one number one rule number one if you're a comment don't fucking talk to me in that row you know you're not supposed to talk you're a comment there's nothing you got to say to me I understand

guess what I understand there's nothing you got to say to me look at my body position look at the description of my eyes does it tell you in any form I want to hear hello or a conversation from you when you're in a room where your job is to listen you know what I mean yeah last night I was having a great time

watching Justin Farmingdale, whatever's fucking Martin Dale. Martindale Fuck this room up and some girl tapped me on the show, can you do my show next? I just went like that in my head. Like, get the fuck out of it. Yeah, yeah, that's not the fucking... You should know better. Don't even fucking say a word to me.

I'm in here, I'm in the fucking seat. I'm getting butterflies in my stomach. I'm thinking about what I got to say. Maybe they're going to give me something to play off of. Maybe she'll give me something to play off of and you want to come and tell me some story about it. I don't really give a fuck. Once I'm in Mitzie shows, Ro,

there's nothing I want to say to you. When you walk by, just put your hand on. I get it. I get it. I'm ready to rock and roll down there. Afterward, we'll take pictures and we'll talk. I don't take pictures of people before I go on stage anywhere anyway. Because you catch a guy with stinky armpit.

And now you've got to go on stage. You've got an armpit on your armpit. Thinking about fucking the smell of that fucking garlic hippie fuck on my arm. So there's no pictures before fucking sense. It's what Dice calls being in the cage. Yeah. I'm in the cage. Leave me out.

I've seen him over the way. What are you going to talk to people for? When they were in that row, they're nothing to talk about. When you see me in that back row, I purposely did that on purpose. I went down there an hour earlier so I can sit in the back

and watch the four comics in front of me and learn something and learn how I'm going to gauge my set for the fucking rest of the night. There's nothing I want to do. I don't want to hear about my mother. I don't want to hear that. Oh, you found we found $10 million dollars

that belong to you. Tell me later. I don't give a fuck, wait. down. I really don't. No, I agree, Matt. I 100%. What's the reason that you won't stay in the condo in La Jolla, when you were doing La Jolla Comedy Store? Does it have to do with a rat, or is that a made-up story?

The rat was number one. The rat was gigantic that I saw that David caught Marilyn's husband, caught under the bed. Oh, he caught under the bed? Yeah, he put a trap under the bed. Didn't somebody say it ran over their face while they were asleep? I don't know. And then from then on, you were out. No, no, no.

I went outside one night to smoke and join the balcony and I saw the rat in front of the that was all the same weekend but I can't sleep I can't sleep with two hours from home yeah I did do you remember I did remember we did Christmas weekend it was me you Sean Polovsky and Renazizi and you would drive down for the shows and I remember Renazizi was up and like you got a stress like they were worried you weren't going to show up and it was like I don't know if it was like either your phone was off or you didn't have a phone or like that I didn't know where you were, you showed up like 10 minutes before you were going up. That's it. You were wearing a white long sleeve shirt and you set up like a Chinese food fucking a meal in front you know, I was like, this guy's got some confidence to eat it. You had the white shirt to be eating the street. The Chinese food was delicious from Lahoy.

In Lou, the keyboard. This is one of my favorite stories. Lou is hovering around you and he just keeps going, and those wontons look pretty good, Joey. Yeah, yeah, and you're eating and you're eating, you're trying to read to go up. Hey, what about those wantons? saying the fucking wanton time finally Lou you want a fucking wanton you just asked before the other I think I wouldn't like one and you went up I remember you

murdered it was uh do you remember that that weekend was Christmas weekend it was empty but you fuck I remember you murdered with some of the craziest material from your child youth and I was like it's it was Christmas Eve and you were saying some of the craziest shit but you fucking slayed I still remember it that that comedy store the fucking comedy storm the whole year and this comedy to an Hollywood group but just prepare you. They give you this different mindset. They give you a different mindset

all the way around because you're just worried about what's in front of you. I got Paul Mooney in front of me. What do I give a fuck about your Tuesday night show at some spaghetti restaurant of that? What made you think I even

give a fuck about your restaurant? I'm here watching Paul Mooney dying inside. Thinking about all the missed opportunities I had. I could have been in the Hertz. I could have been in the Hertz management program right now. You know what I'm saying? I didn't need this. I could have been in the Apple business with my uncle in Wisconsin making millions right now. But no, I'm sitting here at 1230 on a Tuesday night. Waits for Paul Mooney to get off. There's eight people. That means it's going to be four. And you want to ask me about a show next

Tuesday night at some spaghetti place. Get the fuck out of my face, all right? I'm trying to figure out how to pay the rent. This is 20-night. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like, this is it. That's a life of a comic. Yeah. Like, it's a 29th. I got to figure out how to pay rent. I'm fucking three days from now. The rent is 400. What am I like the whole way? I'm like the whole way, and we're going on it to Friday.

I got to come up with a yardstick of two for some cocaine. Plus, you know, I got an audition on Tuesday. Plus, I got to follow Paul Mooney right now. Yeah. I mean, there's nothing scary and go in that room, and there's four people. Nothing. You go, this isn't comedy, man.

I don't know. And then you go home beat up. Yeah. Very beat up. Your soul is beat up, and you have to fucking snort Coke and jerk off and look out of window and write. You fucking question.

Question your own. Question yourself. Only thing that makes that feeling going away is going up again in front of four people and doing well. And doing well. It'll haunt you that whole fucking time. You know, people think that we're giving away fucking lottery tickets here. Like this is like, yeah, come on stage. You're going to get it in three years.

Even if you do get it in three years, you're going to falter at the seven year mark. Yeah, good luck. Because they're going to put you in a position where you're not supposed to be in and your legs are going to go out right from Monday. You've seen it before. And those people don't come back. The best thing that happened to you is it takes 20 years to make it. 20 years.

Because you don't give up. You've prepared for everything. That's why I said to myself, why am I fucking around with these other comments? Like before I shot the Netflix special, which you'll see, you'll go, it's terrible. Why? Because I wasn't training at home.

I was training at all the other clubs in the area. I should have been training at home. I should have been following Whitney Houston, Whitney coming from here. I should have been following Christa Lee every night, and Bobby Lee. and Rogan and Jeff Ross. Yeah.

You know, that's the environment you need to be in when you're ready for it. It's like a UFC fighter. You got to train with the fucking black zillions. And let me tell you something. I was thrown into that comedy store and I wasn't ready for it. If you want me to lie and tell you I was ready for the

comedy store, there's no way. She just liked me. She just liked me. And I didn't fuck her. She just liked me. You know, she saw something and the first year and a half, the first two years,

is bro I every time I left that place I was like well that'll be my last spot there that's a bad spot you know you're like make a breath's break set every time you know what it's because at that time the word on the street was that she had it bugged and that she listened to it at home and assholes like me believed it no we even heard that she used to say that she had hidden cameras and shit we heard the same same thing even later you know I mean so you if you ate a bag of dicks in the original and she wasn't there, you still heard about it.

You couldn't wait to go in there on Monday and bump into it by mistake. You know what I'm saying? And for her to go, I told you not to do that joke. And you're like, fuck. She saw me fucking do that joke. That was the thing about the comedy store

that time. That you're trying to develop, you don't even know where your next meal's coming from. You don't know where rent is coming from. Yeah. But every time you got in your car, you're like,

that might be my last son at the store, Jack. She might fucking hear about it. Those are dark days, man. Those early, where you're like, I could be thrown out of here. Then I would have nothing. This is literally all I have to say that I have any sort of career or anything. I tell people, like I was telling me the other night that when she was around, half the people that were in there that wouldn't be in there. Because there was no outside promotions.

Yeah. Yeah, it was a lot different. If you promoted on Tuesday nights, everybody you put on that list, how to be a regular. You follow me? Like, if I'm like, Sean, wouldn't be going up. You know, like a lot of guys wouldn't be going up because she wouldn't allow it. You had to be a regular in her club.

But I was there tonight. The fucking main room was packed. And she threw Jay Davis out there. He's horrible. People are like, but he sold out the room. I don't give a fuck. I mean, that was the beauty about Mitchie, sure. That she didn't play that shit.

Well, he's selling out rooms. He's not funny, but let's let him headline anyway. She didn't play that. And that club was tanking. That's why fucking, that's why with all his bullshit, he won't go back there. That hurts to walk out of the comedy store and get beat up. Yeah. That hurts.

That's why Seinfeld wouldn't go back in there. And she threw a lot of people out of that. That's PTSD. Mitzie Shaw died of PTSD because she gave out a ton of PTSD to people. She shattered a lot of people. She shattered people. Yeah. That's why I tell people, don't go fucking around in there.

unless you, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Richard Pryor has an old joke. Don't go messing with them Jews and not no money. You know, that's the same thing down there. Don't go messing with them down there unless you got all your spots covered. I know. I know.

I know. Your girlfriend told you you're the best comedian you've seen. I know. I know. You also pay the rent. Do you know? Yeah. Okay.

Then shut the fuck up. You know, you know. You have to know in your heart that you did this. You did that. Yeah. I did this. I fell apart at this level. I fell apart at this level

because every time I was going to the store there was a Saturday night lineup that I couldn't follow A. J. Jamel? Remember the name, yeah. A.J. Jamal and when I'd see fucking Dom Rivera's name and I had to follow him.

Dom was always you know. And that was it. And she was going to be there there. She was going to be there so you would watch her and you would hope that Eddie Griffin would get her or one of the girls would get her and steer her into the fucking original room.

But if you seen her making her way to the main room, your heart just fucking start. You would just go like, and then she's sitting on her bench, and you'd go up there after three jokes, you got a long 16 minutes, Gene. That's a long 16 minutes with her in that fucking booth over there. And she would light a candle so you could see her face.

Yeah. So you could see how fucking how much she either liked you or hated you. So here's what gets ugly. I bombed consistently in the main room. Like, I'm a big boy. I can tell you guys legitimately. Open that door. I'm getting anxiety from you.

This story. Oh, my God. My fat little heart's going to blow up. Like, I love people. But you never shake that shit. I love people who doubt me. Like, every once in a while I get emails from people who have written something like, what's that page where people talk shit about you?

Reddit. Reddit. Like, yeah, somebody said to your Reddit thing. And they were like, Joey and Ari. They're not for good comedians. They just kissed the right rings and all this shit. And I laugh at those statements. Because they have no.

idea. Like, I started bombing in the original room. Listen, she made me a regular on a Sunday. She put me in the original room on Monday. I got bummed by Eddie Griffin. Then I ate like a bag of Dix Wednesday. How long did you be doing comedy at this time? Square

business? Yeah. Square business? I started in 91 and she made me a regular in 97. But I was doing comedy from 93, full-time in committee. So you weren't in it very. So I It was four years, but I was a good four years.

Like, I was featuring on the road. Okay. Like, I was legitimately featuring on the road. I had the power to walk in there. It's these motherfuckers that, no, I was already featuring on the road. I went in there via Stanhope's thing. Now, I got out of my car on a Monday, I ate dinner. I took a shower.

I went to Alcapulco with the Sycamore in, the Sycamore Lans. That motherfucker used to be Alcapulco. Oh, you could eat at night and shit. I went to Alcapulco, and I went to Alcapulco, and I went to go out of the Alcapulco. I went right to the comedy store on a Monday night. And as I was walking in the comedy store, Eddie Griffith and Tumach from the movie, the black kung fu movie from the 90s that was popular.

The show gunned of Harlem. Oh, wow. He just died two or three years ago. The guy in The Last Dragon? The Last Dragon. The Shumah. Leroy. Leroy, Bruce Leroy.

Eddie Griffin and Bruce Leeward were walking out. My fucking head almost blew up. I'm like, that's fucking any grip than Bruce Leroy. I saw Dom Barris. Wheels was up there talking lies behind the store. He had a show with Dom Herrera.

I never forget that through the grace of God, substance, somebody went up there and remembered me. I think it was James Stevens the turd. And on that Monday night, somebody poured Don Barris over. There was maybe two people in the original room and somebody talking Dom Barris

and to let me go up there. And I went up there thinking I was at the Garden Boys. And there was eight minutes of just death. Like that, my timing was off. A couple of comics came up to me and consoled me. That's the worst. Like, hey, man, don't worry about it. It was all right.

Yeah, it was pretty good. You were great. Come back next Monday. I'm like, yeah, come back to my ass. And then I got, I became a regular within the month. But my point is this, the main room. but I have no reason I lie to you guys because you guys worked in there.

I ain't ass in there from 2000, no, from 97 to 2002 or three. And then I figured something out. I figured out that I had to attack them the same way I attacked them in the O.R. In the O.R, forget that Mr. Nice Guy shit. Yeah. When you said that. O.R is a street fight. O.R. is a street fight.

Always has been. Let me the old days, the cowboys used to go down, and then the quarterback would go, huh, and they would all bounce up and go down again. And that second bounce meant they were coming to kill you. That's the O-R. I was going into your main room thinking, da-da-da-da.

You know, because you hear, don't be mean. There was a dress code, too. They're like, Midsi, you got to dress up if you're doing the main room. Yeah, yeah. You're wear a fucking collared shirt. It was a different set of rules. So I didn't think I could be me Like I didn't think I could do when I was through the original room in the main room

That main room does have that vibe though That has that vibe Where you're like, ah, I better not do this joke It's maybe a little too dirty for the fucking main room But it's also like a big brother who beat you up for 10 years straight You keep getting you with the overhead right One day you actually just go And you go oh shit

And the second time he does you go Oh shit Now every time he throws that punch I'm gonna come here and come in there with a left a one, two, and a kick. Once I went like this and figured out the main room, oh, and it was about 2003 in the summer. So it took me six years.

It took me six years of eating dicks. The original room was something completely different. Yeah. I already had it down the original room. I was hosting. I knew every nook and kick, cranny. You could see everything that you need to see. Yeah, I knew everything.

every trick I do everything yeah I'm not up there saying to hell let's give a ron of applause for the troops no kill you you do the cheat codes for that yeah you need you need to fucking but the main room was something different and it took me three years to learn how to just grab the mic and just tell them all to suck my dick like I saw you I started to see the main room in 04 I am sick and fucking torn you get beat up like I'm second time I get beat up I was like Farrah Fawson the burning bed. Remember when he beat her up the last time that she let him on fire? Like, I'm not getting beat up in the original room ever in the main room ever again. I made a decision. I remember

used to be like, take your fucking sticks out of your asses, people. Yeah, I made a decision that that is it. I'm going to bomb, but I'm going to let these motherfuckers know who I am because I read a thing written by the casting director of Godfather 2 and Donnie Brask when he goes, auditions are not for you to book a job. Auditions are you for to be remembered. And I'm never forget that. I go, why can't I do that in stand-up comedy? I'd not have to be the funniest guy in the room, but if I let my ball sack on fire, they're going to remember me. You know what I'm saying? I like my balls on fire. That motherfucker had no

sense of humor at all. But when he lit his balls on fire, it was pretty funny. Especially when they were putting the extinguishes smoke on and he was all white and shit. You're going to remember that guy the rest of your life. Every party you go there, you're going to tell him, but the guy lit himself on fire. So once I started thinking out of the box like that in the main room, Like, these people aren't better than me. You follow me? Yeah, absolutely.

The original room was like the people who I can deal with. They don't pay rent. They do drugs. Yeah, they're smuggling their own booze in there. They're smuggling their own booze in there. But the main room are uppity-upis. Yeah. Once I started attacking her, it was a game changer.

It's crazy how long it takes you to figure that stuff out. Like, everybody. Like, it just seems now when you look back, you're like, what the fuck took me? But who right? now was at home listening to this podcast that's saying seven years Joey fuck you I might as well become an attorney and get paid oh yeah that's

true go to med school yeah yeah I can do in seven years and by the way if if you don't have a fucking burning passion this is the only thing you can do please become that attorney because this is going to be a better lifestyle for you I started going on so hard in the main room

so fucking hard I started going off there was a time period where I was just going off the main room at 1145 and then they were going to get holtsman again at 145 by that time they were they were going to either be in therapy i was i was just going to you guys was just going on holtsman in the main room is uh it's pretty fucking i was just going that's what was whilst taught me from watching him in the main room talk about memorable he's not going up there playing games why are you going out there playing games but let me tell you the truth what happened when year

year was the holidays it was that week after christmas before New Year's, where there's a lot of action at the store. And I fucking win the original room when I came out, they're like, dog, there's nobody here. You got to go up in the main room. And I'm like, I don't want to go up in the bedroom. Like, I just had tears in my eyes. These are the real white people. Like, these people are the women that are here for Christmas that go to the bowl games.

Yeah. They're wearing their fucking Wisconsin sweaters. That's the worst week. I hate that week. They're really, really white. And then you're not family? I mean, and there was, literally. Listen to me, it was 945, and there was no comics there for the main room.

No comics at all for the bedroom. So you're ready for this one? That's when people you find out that there were comics there, and they're fucking up in the belly room, they're making themselves scarce. So they come grab me, and my fat little heart is beaten. Mitzie's sitting in there, and there's got to be sold out there. My fat little heart is beaten. And as I make the turn into the main room, Mitchie's there,

and I may believe I'll need to acknowledge her. I don't want her even going into my mind. Nothing. I just walked right past her. Like, fuck this bitch. And as I got the fucking door, guys, who's walking in? Who could possibly ruin it?

Eddie Griffin. Worse. At that time, who's walking in? It's two nights after Christmas. It's 10 o'clock. There's no communes in the building. And either I go next. or I follow somebody, guess who just walked in the building and looks at me and goes,

Hi, Chris Rock. So I was at the point where, okay, so he's at the main room. So either I got to go up or I got to follow Chris Rock. Okay, this is it. Now, I've been bombing for seven fucking long years in this place. I got to either go up and die in front of Bidtsey or follow Chris Rock. What are you dying? You're dying.

So I never forget, you know that step, you go down to, you walk in, you pay your $15, you walk into the main room, then there's like a little step, there's like a dip, and then you have to go up. Yeah. I fell. I fell. That's it. 400 pounds.

Bama to the floor. I'm 370. I'm doing a pound of Coke a day. I take out a table and 200 contents. Like the people are like fucking taking the drink off them. Like I see Chris Rock and I just walk. I just keep walking. I from, bam, and I just fall.

I got gin on my shoulder, you know, and I'm dying inside. That walk, and those days I couldn't even get up, like the breathing, like I had a breathing issue. Yeah. And I was getting up, and I was getting anxiety. And now I got to walk up those little two steps to get to the main room thing and then walk into the main. I don't know who the fuck was on. There was somebody who was spotless clean. And I fucking went up there.

I couldn't, I prayed to the league. Jesus, please, let him do one more minute so I can catch my breath. I don't even have the breath to walk out to the thing. My knee's starting to swell from the fall I took. My elbows bleed. The fucking table's still wiping the gin off their faces. Now I look through the curtain,

and Chris Rock is fucking sitting next to Mincy. Oh, it could get worse. Yeah. No shit. How can this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? I just want to do comedy and not go to jail. Now you're trying to tell me Chris Rock is sitting next to Mitchie Shaw hugging it up and I got to go out there

That's what you're trying to tell me and guys I just went out there and I avoided them I looked to the right It's the left and I just went off I didn't come to about the 13 minute one And by that time it looked like a massacre had gone up I just leveled that fucking room I just went off I told about all my beeps God knows and I told him about all my beeps God knows and I told him about shitting on the wheat grass.

God knows what came out of my mouth. All I know is that when Chris Rock went up, when I broke, like, all I remember was getting up there, that initial surge of adrenaline and anxiety, and then I just remember seeing that red light and going, oh my God, if I could just squeeze out one more minute of the

material, this is the perfect set. Yeah. This is the perfect set. I squeezed it out. I took a bow. They fucking went crazy. and when I brought Chris Rock up, Chris Rock is like, I don't know what the fuck I just saw. He was just complimenting me. And my wife saw that, who at the time was my girlfriend.

And I remember walking off that stage and going, I just don't know what just happened. Like, whatever happened happened because I was possessed by a spirit. And I walked out of there, and I never, ever, ever thought about it again until I shot the longest shot. He reminded me. Shit.

Fuck. He's like, what was on your shirt? No, he said something to me about that night. He goes, I never forgot that night. How, you fucking. And he don't say much. No, offstage, he's quiet. I've been at the back door with he and I for 15 minutes, like five feet from each other.

And not a word. Not a word. Not a Pete. So for him to say it to me, the first day at the table read, it was the first day of the table read. He gave me five. And he goes, man, I never forgot that set that night. You didn't give a fuck. He goes,

Hobby went off. That's what he kept saying, you went off. You just went off. I don't know what you were on. I go, nothing. I was just pissed off and embarrassed

because I would have either had to follow you. I was in a dire, slow debt. Any way you put it. They just told me to jump off the cliff or jump off the bridge. That was the option I had there, you know?

Fuck. That's great. I mean, I remember, though, you were like that you were the guy, though, like when we were coming up, like,

people were like, I got to follow Joey D. Yes. Oh, because I'll take my dick out. No, no, people, I mean, but you were a power hour out. Were you the night, were you in the night where the chick took a pussy out? Which night? We've been there many nights.

My favorite night at the store was the first time I took my dick out up there and I got in trouble. Didn't get banned, but I got in trouble because I was there and I was watching. I was watching and a girl was drunk and she kept insulting all the comedians. And I went over to the side and I'm like, this girl's too pretty to be insulting comedians. Who was on stage? It wasn't Don. Was Don doing? No, no.

This is Friday. Oh, this is, okay. 11 o'clock. And I had 11.45. And they started jacking it up like at 11. They started tormenting comics. And she was really pretty. I remember walking over to the side and going,

why is that pretty girl heckling the fucking, I didn't know the dynamics of comedy clubs. I didn't know that women went out and got drunk. to get attention and they're yelling shit. So I didn't understand the dynamic of it. And she kept saying something. Then she said something to somebody, you want to see my titties?

And I fucking got pissed off. I'm like, fucking Tech Ghost on Comedy Show and shows their tithies. And I never forget I had about $7 in my pocket. I was scratching. I needed a fucking shot of Coke jack. I had like $7 in my pocket. I couldn't borrow money from my wife. I couldn't borrow money from anybody.

I'm like, what am I going to do to make money? I'll never forget I went up to the stage and I go before you fucking say a word lady don't say a fucking word I don't want to see your fucking titties unless you're going to come up here and show me that fucking pussy don't say two fucking words and this chick got up she goes I am going to go up to show you my pussy the place was sold out she fucking walks on the stage she grabs her mind she goes I'll show you my pussy if you take out your cock and I go deal and the place fucking erupted and she took off his shirt first She fucking kicked her heels off.

And then she took her pants down to her ankle and she faced the audience. It even opened up her little noodle. She had a little whine of hair going down. And I was like, I'm like, fuck this. And I took my dick out and started dancing in front of her. And next thing you know, I remember that there was people watching from the outside window.

They had all come into the sides. And Rogan and Bobby Lee were throwing money at me. I remember I kept picking up every fucking point. I was like, like, that's my cup money. This fucking shit. And I remember like that Monday, Mitzie called me. What happened?

I went, Mitzie, she fucking... I was coerced. No, it's all I was coerced. I told her she challenged my honor. Medieval times over here. She loved all that shit. She loved that talk. Okay.

What are you talking about? She took out a pussy and she said that I was a fucking nothing if I didn't take out my dick. She said that? Yeah. Then I was done. Don't take your dick.

I don't want, okay. Okay, I won't take my dick out no more. It's crazy, though. Sometimes, like, that's the kind of shit you have to do to survive a set in those late-night spots. Sometimes you have to fucking, sometimes it has to turn into a circus.

I don't forget complaining one night. At the great Brian Holstford, I go, what the fuck am I doing my life on a Wednesday night waiting at door? A 115 spot. And I'll just go, If you don't want to do it, put a sign out in front.

It's the only people sign up in that spot. Hundreds, if not more. And they put it into perspective for me, and I was like, okay. Like, I fucking get it. Like, that was very, that put everything in there. And I don't care what spot I go up, you know. Yeah.

I was always very lucky to be, like at that time, the Laugh Factory was the Hot Club. But I didn't give a fuck. I didn't want to be at the Laugh Factory. I thought the laugh factory was NBC or something. No, I mean, when we go, how many times I open mic to it like? I think twice. You have to wait outside for like six hours.

And then you'd go up. And this guy back in the day, this guy, I think his name was Harvey, you would sit at a fucking school desk on the stage with you. And if you even got approaching edgy language, what, whoa, wait a second, timeout. Like on the mic. That's right. They would fucking jump the mic on you. Oh, my God.

You're fucking, oh my God, Harvey, that's right. Because Jamie said you got to work clean, otherwise you'll never work. That's right. He told me the same thing. He gave me a lot of doing. They threw me out of there. Fuck that. Because that was the first open mic.

I went to the comedy store on the road day, and the laugh factory was Tuesday. And I stood online all day. What's his name, drops off water for you? Brother Woods? No. Not Brother Woods? The white comic, the one that always touches his head. He's Jewish.

He plays the piano on stage. I got problems. I talked to my psychiatrist. I don't know. Richard, whatever's name is. He would drip out. Yeah. He's in a Kirby Enthusiasm.

Yes. Oh, Richard Lewis would come. Oh, really? Richard Lewis would drop off water. Yeah, he wasn't there.

Richard Lewis would drop off water. He was a really good guy. You better bring your suntan lotion if you want to go wait out there, man. When then people would drive up and down sunset, everyone you know. They'd see you fucking sit. I did it one time. I did it one time. He told me that to come back, so I never came back.

And then the improv gave me. love right off the back of Latino night. Yeah. Calling for the schedule. So I started calling it in, so I had no beeps there. And the ha-ha, right? You were at the ha-ha a lot. No, no, no.

I didn't get to the ha-ha. The ha-ha was the fucking valley. Oh, yeah. And I looked at Hollywood. It was the club. My business was Hollywood. You were Gardner, right? I was Gardner, right?

I was Gardner, and I was right. I was right across the street. I would do Gardner. And everything I did was around Gardner. I went to karate school in the corner. That guy had the fucking a little sports car with a dragon. Yeah. And back to McConaughey had the garages behind those buildings where he has his garage.

Because he collects some type of cars. Was that you? Oh, wait. Who told us? Ralphie Mae. Who told us that you, Ralphie Mae and you used to fuck with McConaughey. Macaugh had his car collection back there. Who was?

Was that bird? No, I don't know. So that you got, Ralphie used to scream out there. That was a great. McConaughey all the time until McConaughey had. McConaughey like lost his shit. You know, you really think of a dynamics of that name went in 99. You ready?

Yeah. It was Josh Wolfe on Vista. It was one street over. Ralphie Mae on Gardner. It was Nick DePaolo and Mitch Hemberg on Sierra Bonita. And Jesus. And Doug Stanhope lived on Curson. That was a consecutive blocks.

Okay. That was all consecutive blocks. And these guys, I would see all these guys. We would see each other at. Ralph? Rouse. That rouse is all fucking comics. The place across the street

with the head shots. Oh yeah? I've seen that way. The guy died and he left the Asian wife. That was really cute. And then she closed it up eventually. He was like an older man with an Asian wife. She was very sweet.

That's where we got our head shots. I got my head cut there. I did everything in that vicinity. That hotel. What's the name of that hotel? It's like sunset hotel or something bullshit. Yeah. That dasty motherfucker.

I lived in that name wood with the hamburger. stand was still there and the Pips used to hang out there then they did that's American was that where that bar is now there's something there what's the two brothers did a movie in 2000 about Pips American Gigolo is American Pimp or something like that yeah I know what you're talking about the Hughes brothers the documentary about yeah yeah I know you're talking about that's one like PIM culture became it was it was really good yeah and it exposed that hamburger place and hamburger place we walked

on a hamburger place, right on the sunset, right in between rock and row Ralphs and El Campadre. Yeah. Was that hamburger stand? Then they closed it was closed for years and God knows. It's not the gas station, but it's that little mall next to the gas station. That gas station is not a gas station.

That was a tire place. It's a tire place now, but it was a gas station. And the guy ran it for his father by himself. So I would stand by the corner and wait for him to go outside and pump gas. for people and I would go in and grab a soda and stick my hand behind the counter and take a pack of cigarettes any cigarettes it didn't matter I just needed a pack of cigarettes and he would let me charge the sodas on the arm and fucking like candy cakes that's a great day but like that was now I don't know

it's different now though I mean remember he's it's changed when I when I live there there there was stills a little bit of criminal element I remember there was a night what night did what year did you live there I lived there I lived there my whole time I moved out just this past year I lived there for like 15 years. From like 2003. So you were, in 98, there were pimps and hookers. So that was like starting to leave when I went there? That was pimping hookerville.

We did see a lady get abducted. Yeah, some guy was trying to shove her in his truck, kidnapper. And we look out the window because he had a bay window that overlooked guard there. We were just screaming. And we see this guy dragging this lady. She got away. We were like, what the fuck? And somebody robbed.

Yeah, this chick at gunpoint. We were watching TV. in my living room. This girl knocks on my window. I go, these fucking idiots always leave their keys that I lived in the front of the building. I go, just ignore it. We were watching TV.

And I hear, please, let me in. Please you're crying. And I go, oh, shit, I'll open the door. She's like, we were just robbed at gunpoint. They took our phones, our wall. It's fucking right outside of my building. Watching TV. It's happening two feet from us.

And we would walk that neighborhood like nothing at night because we would cross that building. Yeah. And we'd walk behind that whole, the whole sunset to, avoid the cops and then walk behind Sierra Bodine with a curse on in those days the 7-11

sold beer too yeah so we would try to catch we'd be fucked up there was a liquor store there on the corner I still remember walking coked up to the gills to that fucking liquor store but I still remember knocking on Ralphie's door in 99

and them telling me that a pimp knocked on his door the night before and asked him if he was looking for companionship she door to door pimping that's impressive. Wow. They killed the hooker. Once they murdered the hooker on that corner, then they cleaned up that whole neighborhood.

There was a night. I was, because I had the big, the big windows went from my living room, but in my bedroom, too, and I lived right on Gardner. And I was always scared on the ground level. Someone was going to throw a fucking brick through that window. My bed was right there. And so I'll, like, two something in the morning. I came home from the store. I'm going to sleep.

And I was like in that state where you're like kind of asleep, but kind of not. And I heard someone say, give me your fucking money. Give me your fucking money, bitch. and so I go oh shit I spring up I have like you know the curtains I open them up I see this guy fucking punch this woman in the face in the street like oh shit I get on the phone I call 911 they're like sir can you see

I'm like 30 feet like you gotta get here and I see a fucking helicopter come in hit him with the fucking light and in my mind I'm like oh shit I called that in and uh so I don't I can't see what happens they like keep going and like five minutes later Ari Shafir text me and that fucking weirdo he followed the West

Hollywood police like their Twitter page or something he's like cops just came your block a guy got arrested for having a gun there was a pimp shaking down a fucking hooker had a gun on him got arrested and it was like yeah two in the morning it's fucking crazy yeah they pushed all those hookers down further like they started clearing out west hollywood and just started pushing them down towards like western we were getting high one night me and a girl and another girl was snort and coke and the first floor a garden we're going deep it's got to be five in the morning And all of a sudden was sitting there and we're here.

You've been sucking my dick for 20 minutes and all I got is teeth. Sucked that dick correctly. And we're like looking at each other. We thought like somebody threw their voice in the room. Like we thought like all of us like, did you just say that? Who invited Jeff Donham? And we looked outside and the guy was out there with this hook around her hands and knees. Sucking the guy's dick.

He's like, I just told you. Stop using your teeth, bitch. That's how fucking nuts. That neighborhood was. Right off, Gardner, too, if you went down towards, like, Santa Monica. It was called Vaslade All. Yeah, that's Trannyville down there. They'll fuck you in the ass.

Astro Burger? Yeah, that's what they give up Astro Slide. That's why that's... That was the Vaseline Allen. Oh, yeah. There used to be a bar, a restaurant across the street from there. When we first got to L.A., if you didn't want to go to Rock and Roll Denny's, Stanhope, would go there for breakfast.

They had a back. You could smoke cigarettes. And they used to keep it open at night. and somebody got raped in there or something. Then they had to close the place. Like, we used to go to restaurants where a woman got raped in there. Like a guy got raped. We went in there the next day, the place is closed.

We got to close it out too many rapes around there. They were like, yeah, the place was used. I figured there'd be some deals today. The place was used for rapes. But you won't go to Denny's. Fuck Denny's. I'd eat that cheddar cheese. I'd rather eat the rape place.

This rape place is run by like Hawaiians. Come to Rape's diner. like the best breakfast on that neighborhood but at night it was like doubled as a bar i didn't i never went to the bar but i guess some guy it was like a rapy place for guys they were started raping guys and they guys are going they get lorded they get fucked to be ass it was their new marketing campaign your dude you're looking to rape another dude you don't want to go around the corner from right there and he bravo did he oh he did i I remember, yeah.

And he, Bravo lived a block down from Astro Burger, right there out of the corner. You all you got to do is walk 25 yards next to a body shop. Is that why I got into Jiu-Jitsu, teaching self-defense for the Hawaiian restaurant? That was crazy done there. And you nuts met at the store? That's the first time you guys met. Yeah, yeah. And what possession become a comedy writing team?

Basically the spots at the store were like, we're not going to make it as comics doing this shit. You know, you couldn't get like, I mean, basically doing stand-up was just trying to display your writing ability more or less you know and so i came out here because i wanted to write movies which you know was kind of a what did you major it uh well so i didn't go to i went to college when i was like 21 because my mom really wanted me to college but i was selling cars i was racing cars and i thought hey this is it but then uh i got an accident that shit didn't work out for me and i was like i don't want to sell cars the rest of my life there's no way so i was i enrolled in this film school in uh chicago

and then after that I did my last semester out here in L.A. And then literally after school ended, I just did stand up. My first open mic at the Comedy Store. And then I was writing movies. I met him. And we started writing movies together. And we haven't gotten a movie made yet. What's your process?

I mean, for writing? Yeah. Do you guys have a process, more or less? Do you? I mean, it's tough. in terms of like whenever we have meetings people would always ask like how do you write

because so many when there's two people some people write like one writes and then they hand it off to the other guy we always would write together we used to sit right we used to literally sit right next to each other and then like literally type and then talk like literally right next to each other

on a couch and just watch the screen and do it but then we started doing like screen sharing and stuff like that and the technology permitted that you could sit on your own couch. But you know, like, and we were so deep in that, but the industry has changed, but man, we can't,

we're close on a lot of, a lot of things. We could always get a good agent or a good manager because we always had good material, but it was just like, you know, it's like everything shifts. At one point they're looking for this and you have something like that, but by the time you get everything set up and go into pitch, they're on to something else.

And so, I don't know. I think at this point, you know, you're just tired of playing the game and like the more shit that you can just do on your own without having to rely upon a studio or anybody, a network to like get your shit out there. I mean, you know, it's like doing your own specials or doing your own thing, man. It's so weird.

It's changed. It's a movie business. You make a good movie now. That's great. But guess what? There's a lot of people that make a good movie. Yeah. You got to make three or four good movies to get people to pay attention to you, you know?

Comedy, you get one good special, one shitty special. You know what? You need all of them to be good because. So I think writing is a beautiful thing that I'm horrible at Like I'm horrible at it But I like it because you control your own destiny Absolutely You can write shit, put it away

Keep tuning it up And then that tide comes back It's like the guy who had What was that show on ABC about the wives And the one block and that was like a script he had for fucking 10 years There's a lot of guys like that Yeah they go into a pitch meeting And they know what else you got

They say that to you every fucking You'll pitch him a whole fucking A movie Three months Yeah you're working out this pitch Every word Every fucking joke You do it all for them

You know you can tell they're really not paying attention What else you got? What about the fucking thing I just gave you That I spent three months in my life I'll think about that But what else are you working on right now I'm working on this And that's when you

You know How long have you guys been writing together? I mean O3 is like when we You know It took a while for us to kind of like get good material together. It's crazy that like 03

you started. What are we? 17. Like so 18, whatever the fuck. So that means you guys have been writing together for 15 years. Yeah. So in about two years, one of you'll look at the other one and go, you know what, you're the kiss of debt. You know what I'm saying? We can't put together nothing. Let's split.

And all of a month later, we got a call. Hey, we had a meeting with you three years ago. You gave us the script. I just got an offer for 600,000. Do you have anything else? And you're like, yeah, hold on. Let me call him back on the phone. That's what happens.

Yeah. It's, you know, it's waiting for the miracle to happen. That's the crazy thing about writing is, like, people like, you know, if you look at the career, it's like, what they don't see is all this great things that you have written that haven't gone anywhere or are still waiting. People don't realize, like, the process. Even if you, even if you had a show now and it got picked up, it's going to be three, four years before it fucking even debuts. If you have to deal with all the development, then you go casting, then there's pilots and there's 10. screens and all this shit. It's a fucking nightmare.

Yeah, absolutely. It's amazing that anything ever gets made. Anytime any lawyer gets involved, like even like we've done shit on the web, it takes forever. Four months? Five months for you. Forever.

I mean, yeah, the last thing we had, six months for just lawyers to agree. On specific wording. Like, hey, I don't like this wording. And I go back on that for fucking two, three weeks. And like, you're just sitting there. You're like, I need a fucking check, man.

Like, agree. But like, they're just like, No, it just gets crazy. But this town, for me, I think for both of us, it's been great. Kicking you in the balls, but like a day after you get kicked in the balls, you find a dollar bill. And it always gives you something to stay around. Keeps you in the game. Yeah, just enough to be like, well, there's this light.

There's light at the end of the tunnel. You even look at Leslie Jones, who got fucking, what you got on SNL at 47, 48? Yeah. 48 years old. So it's like. Leslie Jones on SNL at 47 years old. Oldest new cast member. We worked through with her in 2012.

on this thing we had and like I mean yeah I mean she's like wouldn't return our call our manager because she's always like bill collectors coming so funny she's like oh I didn't know it was the opportunity and then yeah and we just did this little thing with her and like yeah I mean she was just like happy to do like she's like yeah fuck yeah man like nobody's coming to me to do shit she was a she was a powerhouse comic though she was slay she was tough than fucking males man it's the thing they just goes to show you even if you like these guys is it going I mean you for also like you were just fucking you would crush but you have to be like the darling of the industry you got to you got to check all the boxes you got to have the look you got to be able to go on TV like if you're doing what you do and being you a lot of times that involves like sometimes you're going to interact with the crowd sometimes you're going to do like but they want shit that they can throw on TV you got to do quick jokes that people will get right away if you want to do it's night show in order to build you up or to do this it's it takes a lot longer when you're you're just trying to be you.

But look what happened with the internet. Yeah. I mean, okay, when I got here, I was too old. I wasn't, I didn't fit the type. Not clean. It was, it was very gut-wrenching for the first two or three years and very frustrating. Because I didn't have one of the qualities they were looking for. Not one of the qualities that they were looking for.

But I had one quality that kept me here. I was on to something. I wasn't funny. I was on to something. And that's why Mitty kept giving me spots. I was honest or something. You know what I'm saying? I didn't fit that.

You know, when I got here, all these non-futney, good-looking guys were getting deals. Good-looking guys getting deals and had three minutes of material and couldn't hold their own at the comedy store. I remember one guy in particular, he looked like Steve Reeves had died and come back to life 20 times better than him. This guy was gorgeous. I forget what his name was. And every time he walked to a comedy club, he had two Jews with him. That's how much they protected his investment.

This guy was a guarantee fucking television star. And one night they made a fucking crucial mistake. They set up a showcase for him at the comedy store. Oh. Like a benefit, and he had to follow dice. Ooh. And I would never forget that he fell apart at the seams. And I never saw that guy again.

Ah, man. You know, so I knew I had one thing going from me. that I had, I was on to something, and number two, I was at the store. So you know what? You don't want me to go to Montreal because you think I'm too dirty, or I don't fit your little scheme? Really doesn't matter to me. You don't want me for Comedy Central?

It doesn't matter to me. I'm at the store. I'm over there. I may not be with the Gambinos, but I'm with the Lucasies, and we're picking up steam. You know what I'm saying? We just figured out how to fucking hook up with cocaine. So we're picking up fucking steam.

Within a year, we're going to have three million. Then we can battle up against you. So that's how I always looked at it. It looked dimmer. Every year, it looked dimmer. Like, once 2000 came in 2001, it looked like I didn't have a chance. But then they told you you have a...

If you booked television, you have a chance. So I booked a pilot. Nothing happened. I booked basketball. Nothing happened. I booked the De Niro movie. I was already with that one. I was already getting the fucking suit

to walk into... CAA and ICM, nothing happened. So all that shit was bullshit. So it's like every year they rewrote the rules on you to what you need to do to get to that next level. And also you think like, oh, once I get in at CAA, or we were at one of the big agencies and they didn't do anything for it.

I mean, then you realize now you're the lowest guy on their fucking roster. And now people say, well, where did you guys come from? We came from CIA or we came from ICM. Well, I'm Joe Schmoop and fucking Wooden Hills. If they couldn't do nothing for you. Yeah, what are you thinking I'm going to do? What am I going to do for you?

So now you're on your own, and you're pretty much shot. But see, I believe in something completely different. I believe that now you have the internet. Yeah, absolutely. I believe that now you have the internet. You know what? You want a book? You want to read?

Right? You can write an e-booked that motherfucker. You want to shoot sketches or something like that? I mean, yeah, you could fucking go on there and look for money and beg for money and get $50 on a go-go account, whatever the fuck. not what you want to fucking do you want to shoot videos or something and keep the money low but to shoot that you got to use either actors of the known or actors that have internet presence every fucking day there's a new web series and what happens they go down the pizza low why because number

one you never told nobody about it you didn't prepare them you didn't prepare it you didn't let them know it was coming you put it on this guy's facebook page and waiting for us to sell itself web series could do great in this economy because i'm going to work i would love to be be able to watch a seven-minute clip five days a week every day at work with a fucking ending on Friday. I would love to have that. And it comes out every fucking day at 6 a.m.

So basically all you're doing is shooting 10 episodes and cutting them into seven-minute clips five days in a row. That would fucking kill right now. Yeah, that's what we... I mean, that was what our... When we first started doing stuff, we did stuff with Run Is Easy. We did a web series.

We did a couple seasons of it and it was a big hit. Like, I mean, you know, if you can get half a million or a million views on something. It's fucking, I mean, you're doing as well as Comedy Central's doing. And so, yeah,

that's where we're at. It's kind of like, you just got to do everything yourself now. Like we, everything is yourself. We thought. Here's the beauty of it. Here's the thing that nobody really understands.

That you do everything yourself since day one. True. At the end, when they ship you in that casket, you're like, my agent was great. But all he did was piggyback. The seeds that I play.

You always have to plant seeds. That's why there's such a high failure rate here. Because people sign with an agent, they think that's it, the end-all bill. Not me. I bought backstage every fucking Wednesday. If it was at that curse on on 7-11 at 455, it was in my house at 5 o'clock. By 8 in the morning the next morning, I had my envelopes out for student films. You follow me?

That was a difference between me and everybody else. Yeah, and guess what? I throw those envelopes coked out to the gills. I'd be snorting coke writing fucking resumes in the envelope fucking putting it in the envelope but I ate the next morning

as coaked up as I was I mailed those fucking things so even though the agent kept telling me no you're not going to get in for this no okay let's just see because the casting director's job

is to get the job done to get the job cast she doesn't need more politically more fire if you're the one for that movie sending your own audition tape stop talking shit there's money

in this town. There's money at every different level. You guys are a cuntare away from being millionaires. You have a cuntare away. You're great writers. I like your stuff. You're a little out there. You're a little bit fucking crazy. It's just hanging in there.

You see the people around you grow. Have you not? Yeah. Without a doubt. I mean, I know he says 2003. It's 2000. I would see Ari at Ralph's when Ari lived on Sunset. And he had a fucking car full of meat. And what the fuck are you doing? He was buying

meat that was like expiring or like on that day for very cheap and he would freeze it all. He was like 30 pounds of meat. So he was so, like it's only a dollar? He was so broke that he was buying fucking old meat to freeze. I mean, now I look at Ari now and he's a fucking it's a little different. What's the difference that he did? Was he? He finally stopped playing the game. Yeah, that's what? That's it. That's it. Someday you got to wake up. You go,

Yeah, what am I doing playing this fucking game? It's like I told you, I'm listening. Every week, I get an email, guys. Every week, I get that one email. Okay. And it's a, how you doing it's either mister or we love your podcast. It starts off fucking complimentary of shit. And then it goes into a shooting blah, blah, blah, blah.

We'll love to have you on this product, project, and you. Sometimes you click the link. Sometimes you say you can. whatever, the shit that comes my way is so fucking bad. And you know when you read it, you know by the structure. Yeah. Like I know as soon as I see structure, you're done. This is no better.

Well, you've read so, I mean, you've read, that's the thing. Actors know when it's not. I see, like, I got one a couple weeks ago. There's a lot of dough attached, but I read the thing and I go, this ain't going to. How much will you read before you're like, I know this sucks? Four pages. Yeah. Five pages.

Did you stop or do you read it? Like that's it. I'll come back later on. I'll think about what I read. Yeah. I'll come back later on. But I know in the first two or four pages. Whether it's something that's...

What I want to do. Yeah. Like I was with a guy that we were trying to pitch something. And I would talk to him. I would... This is very difficult. I would talk to him and explain to him what I wanted and what I didn't want to do. He came back with this whole thing.

He started telling me all these movies he referenced. I fucking hated. So all this shit he had. So in the middle of the night in pitches, I go, I don't want to do it. Because that's not what I want to do it. then what do you want to change? This is what I have to change. This is what I have, you know, I've been here long enough.

So I know, you know how many mob things I've read? I'm sure. Yeah. You know how many mob things I read after the soprilos? When the soros are getting ready to get off the end, you have any idea how many mob things I've read. I'm sure everything that was ever going into production came through you. You have no idea.

You have no idea. So I know the first four or five pages. I know. you know, like you just know you hate being judgmental but you got to look at the time Yeah, it's time you spend on fucking And I got to look at what that move is going to do for me guys

I'm 55, I'm not getting no young If I was 32, I'd do in the heartbeat But what is it going to do to me acting next to this You know, acting next to this guy This guy's got no IMDB What am I going to gain from this Not going to gain none You're just taking me away from your family

It makes me do something I don't want to really do Are you not going to lift a rock And at this point Even if you lift a rock I really don't want to do it It's not gonna be good because your heart's not everything You're not attached to it You got other revenue too

I mean you got stand-up You got you know what I mean It's not like you fucking No But I remember I got disenchanted with acting years ago Like once I saw First of all I was

I never came here from Broadway So I'm not that guy But I did enjoy it I did like it as a You know What's his name Said that Whatever is in two

enthusiasm when you go from field to field. I love doing stand-up. Guess what? I don't want to do it 52 weeks a year. I remember even back in the day, you were like, I got to get off planes. You were like, I'm done. And you're like, I don't do Sunday shows. Yeah. And I got to get the fuck out of here.

Yeah. They know. They know. I paid my dues. So, you know, it's like, but it keeps me fresh. I love doing stand-up. But as far as, I think, 10 years ago, I think a little actor-long-lawish yard, by 2007, I was done with acting. unless you come at me with and I decided that

like I was getting all this shit thrown at me YouTube stuff this and I was like I don't want to do this stuff and I made it in the mental note just to put no then they often begrudge match which sucked but it still gave me a level up yeah yeah that's like you're in there opposite to the you know so I don't mind doing those things that's gonna help me a level up I get to experience

different people but to be honest at this point my life to work with like something three days I got to drive the collar bosses. I can't shoot my podcast. You're going to get a know. Like, you got to get a know. I can't do it. I'm not even interested in it.

Yeah. It's so fucking weird. But my heart goes out to you guys because I know you've been in the fucking game. In the trenches. All it is is sticking with it. That's all it is. And also, if you've adapted your life,

like my lifestyle is so cheap now, I can live off anything. You don't give a fuck. If they pay it, it's like a cherry on the Sunday. Yeah. The most important thing is that you're love what you do. And you didn't get trapped back in fucking, you know, still sweeping at the

hotel. You didn't get trapped back in Boston, where the fuck you came from doing what you didn't want to do. That's the shit that's the most important about being out here is keeping that dream alive. Also, once you get a certain age and all your friends that do have money and they're just like, all they ever want to hear is the stories of what you've been up to because they got, there's nothing. Like, they have money now, but it's like, can't go anywhere because they're working all the time. Can't do anything. Two weeks out of the year that they want to to go on vacation, they're too tired from their job the whole year to fucking want to go anywhere. Brother, like the man said, it's better to want than to have.

I agree. Sometimes it's better to want than to have. That's why you better fucking think about it really good. You know, because one day they might come to you, Danish and O'Neill and go, hey, we love that sitcom idea. And for eight years, for 30 weeks out of that year, you're working. 14 hour days. I mean, you hear a lot of fucking, you know, comics, whatever, and they're like, my glory days

were when I was struggling creatively. I mean, obviously, money-wise and all that, but... Well, yeah, I mean, we even know, like, just the stuff we've worked on and then you start getting notes and you're like, man, this was so much more fun when we were just writing shit that we wanted to write. All this shit, I could give a Frenchman's fuck

about. If I could turn the clock back and get to sleep on Ralphie May's blow and Ralphie was broke. If I could go back to when Ralphie was broke that was the best time I had here the only person I knew of money at the time was Rogan and not really he was just on

news radio I remember years ago I was a door guy and I you would just like when you worked that job you just sit I didn't know you very well at all I remember seeing you talk to Rogan and you had this like 10 minute conversation with Rogan about

what are you going to do if the apocalypse comes or like some fucking like a flood or an earthquake and you're like fucking ATMs are going to be close your money's going to be no good And you could see in his eyes like, oh shit, this guy's got a fucking point. Yeah, your money's going to be all good. So you've got to always have 20 leagues large at the house.

He thought I was trying to set him up to rob him. He's like, oh, if I put 20 large in my house, you're just fucking rob me. He didn't know that I'm dead serious. You got to have an end up in 10 different places. That ATM system is set up to shoot down someday, and you're going to go. I'm a cash guy. And your balance is going to be zero. And they're not going to know what the fuck happens.

The power in China. You're fucked. When he was looking at you, like, this guy has a fuck. You had like an hour-long plan. Oh, yeah. What you were going to do? And he's like, I have no idea. Like, I can see the wheel.

Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. I better fucking think about that. Oh, yeah. I'm not conspiracy therapy. Whatever the fuck. I'm a realist. One day, that's what those ATMs are for.

So you can have every single dime you have invested in those things. And one day, the power's going to go off like your computer. And all the files are going to get erased. And you're going to go up there looking for your 9,000. There's going to be zero. on top of zero and they can't they don't know what's going to happen. What happened? We don't know. It went into the fucking universe.

You didn't downcloud at the one, whatever that one cloud. Look at one cloud my dick, okay? I got ten different yards with money in those yards. You follow me? I got a couple of safety deposit boxes all over the country. In place I got to fly into there and make a pit stop close to the airport. I'm way ahead of you,

you're motherfuckers. When you see jelly with the shovel, you know, shit. Oh, I'm way ahead of you guys. I'm way ahead of you guys. miners kept on. I've always been way. I'm like way ahead to you guys. You got a fucking math that's on a cereal box. Fuck yeah.

Fuck the bank. I trust them like for the fuck you. Guys, it was a real pleasure. Thanks for having you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. We could talk about the topics I wanted to talk to you about.

Whenever you want. I'm not writing shit. We don't want to write for money and would they sense of your writing and all that type of shit. Sometimes when you write shit that you don't want to write for money, you wish you had a night. a five-day job. Listen, man, it's like when I shot this Netflix thing, they're like the first five minutes, you got to write about your life and then go through,

and I was like, you're killing me. Oh, they gave you like... They wanted me to say, because there's only 30, 28 minutes, so they wanted your first five minutes to be a little bit about yourself to introduce yourself. No. But then the night of, they changed it up. So I like, had a ball of shit, you know what I'm saying?

So it was like, you learn a lot. You learn to stick to your fucking guns. When you, wouldn't you just wrap? when I'm in those you just rather fail on your own fucking your own stuff yeah you know what I mean you'd rather go down on your own sword and someone say hey do this and you're like that's exactly what I did I died I die the slow fucking death I die the slow fucking death I mean is this I mean I have a feeling I'm gonna watch it that's you've killed no I die the slow death I think it's just what I'm doing now is completely different it's so weird like

this I'm back to 2006 at the comedy store dangerous again. Dangerous, not giving a fuck. I don't give a fuck about what comes on in my mouth. If it hurts

your feelings, it just makes no difference. I'm 55. I got one foot in the grave, one of that appeal, and what are you going

to do to me that? You got to come back at me like Kavanaugh, 36 years later? You just suck my dick.

You know what I'm saying? So you got choked on a party, big fucking deal. Do you put his dick in your ass? No. Do he put his dick in your mouth?

No harm done. He just choked you a little bit because you were a dumb bitch in the closet room. Oh. She's lucky you didn't go in a closet room of my hometown. They would have put fucking jackets on top of you and fucking the ass. There wouldn't have been no choking or grabbing.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? Dirty six years later now, you want to come out and say a judge grabbed you, really? He even put his, did he put his neck in your mouth? No, did he put his neck in your ass? No, there was a migraine. Everybody went home on skate. You know what I'm saying? You're fucking assholes.

What the fuck is going on? I love you guys. Where can they find you? Dan. It's an O'Neill. find us at uh find the podcast at danish and o'neill twitter account danish and o'neill uh danish and o'neill instagram you can find me on uh ryan o'neill comedy on instagram i got uh yeah i got a new twitter at uh as well as our own but i got uh at the jeff danis you want to see it's looking at

Thank you for having us. Thanks so much. I want to thank Danish and O'Neill for coming on today. Also, don't forget Boston and Foxwoods is sold out. Right now, all I got to work with is West Palm Beach Improv, October 11th or 13th, and hilarities from October 25th to the 27th. Now, like I told you, the beginning of the show, listen, since I started the podcast, people always want advice and picks, and who's going to win, but Khabib, I don't know.

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I want to thank Audit again. I want to thank Dunders. day this is your deal. I want to thank my main man to fly you for helping me out. And I want to thank you guys for being fucking family and for giving us a chance and for listening every week. Have a great week. I hope this gets your week fucking started correctly

and I'll see you motherfuckers in two days. Stay black. Kick that, me, elite. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart.

Some, somebody. Twice as smart as I A somebody who will swear to be true As you used to do with me Who leave you to learn That misery loves company Wait and see I mean I want to be around to see how he does it

when he breaks your heart to bits if a puzzle fits so fine That's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet As I sit there applauding Somebody breaks your heart like you