The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #621 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: September 26, 2018

Greg Fitzsimmons, stand up comedian and the host of the "Fitzdog Radio" podcast and "The Greg Fitzsimmons Show" on SiriusXM, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Robinhood App - an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETF's, options and cryptos - all commission free. Go to church.robinhood.com to get a free stock like Apple, Ford or Sprint.    MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Deposit after 7pm EST and they will give you another $25 in free play. Streamed live on 09/25/2018.

I got a whole little missing. I got the missing Trump tape. You know what I'm saying? The pee tape. I got the pee tape. Yeah. Wait till that shit comes out, man. They should do it on pay-per-view and they pay off the deficit.

That Trump P-taped tape. They could pay-per-view that shit. They could put it up in Madison Square Garden on the big screen and sell the place out three shows on a Saturday. So what is Tom Arnold looking for? Keep plug it. I'm recording audio, but video they'll hear this. So you guys cool with this being out? Yeah.

Okay. President, let's do this shit. It's not like the president's vindictive and we'll hold this against us. Greetings from Podcastville. The church of what's happened now is brought to you by Robin Hood. Robin Hood is an investment app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFS, options, and cryptos, all commission free. They strive to make financial services work for everyone, not just a wealthy.

Simple and intuitive with a clear design. with data presented in an easy to digest way. The reason why I'm telling you about this is because Robin Hood is giving the church family free stock like Apple 4 to Sprint to help build your portfolio. Wouldn't this last time I'm even talking to you about your portfolio? Uncle Joey's talking to your portfolio. Sign up at robin hood.com.

That's church.com. That's church.com. I'm sorry. Church. com. Apple for the sprint just to help you get started. All right? This is caught no commission fees. Other brokerages charge up to $10 per every trade, but Robin Hood doesn't charge commission fees, trade stocks, and you keep all your profits. So do me a favor. Go to church.orghumor.com.

The church is also brought to you by my motherfuckers, motherfuckers, because listen, tis the season to make Getus, okay? Fuck being jolly. You need Getus to be jolly. And that's where my bookie comes in. Remember who you're betting on is just as important or who you're betting with. And that's why I always tell all you fucking sickos to bet with my bookie. I love you, motherfuckers.

Now, trust me, guys, they're the best bet for you this season. They've been in business for years. They got great reviews online, and their mobile site is nice and easy to use. So do me a favor. Go to mybooky.com right now and deposit after 7 p.m. Eastern time, and they'll give you an additional,

$25 free play on deposits over $100. Use promo code church to activate your offer. Take this fucking Mule Lee. A little P.E. to start a fucking Wednesday morning. Crank it, Lee, Frankie. A little fear of a black planet. Colin Copernick is losing into this shit right now. Throwing $20 bills in the air and shit.

On one knee with his head next-exnet speaker. Rumble from our lower level To condition your condition We're going to through a song What you've never heard before Make your all-tellon Through the education Rubber's going to work it out

And stop tasting We go motherfuckers It's a church of what's happening now Little Greg Fitzsimmons The Christ Killer And your uncle Joey Diaz Throwing it Here we go

Huh Are willing to work What? Fucking tremendous. What up, Greg Fitz. How are we going to follow that? How are we going to follow that, Joey? What the fucking thing?

Now, what is Tom Arnold looking for with this fucking show? What is he looking for? I haven't seen it. I just saw the commercial for it. He jumps on a desk. He's looking for a P-tap and all the missing tapes. Yeah, I thought he was looking for the N-word tape. That's what I'm from the apprentice.

From the apprentice, all that shit. What hurts him more? The N-word tape getting out or the P-tape getting out? None. It's also true. You know, they were talking about something. Well, we forget as a country is that we've hated every president to less. Since I came from Cuba, you motherfucker's been hating presents.

Yeah. All right? You hated Kennedy so much. You shot the motherfucker. Then you impeached Nixon, whatever. I mean, I still remember the night he fucking was on TV. I was a kid. And I was crying.

I really believed in America. going to pray. I didn't understand Watergate. I didn't understand none of that shit. But we're always crying. We've never been happy. The only way we're happy is if somebody brings us, we want the president that every day we wake up and there's a check that $20 in the mailbox. That's it. That's the only president we want. Just put the 20 in your mailbox every day. Unless it's that, we're always going to cry or complain about something. So you're trying to figure out, listen, dog, if you put the fucking tape on in here all day, if you just click on a tape recorder in here for a week.

The things you hear you mean before the podcast starts. Before the podcast, when I'm going to get on myself, when me and Lee sit here at night, you could make millions listening to it. But any of the listeners to it knows that whatever is said

isn't really coming from the heart. First of all, you're dealing 50% with a comedian. 50% of our humor comes from comedy, which comes from pain. When I found my mother on the floor and her arm was purple, And I could see that by the shoulder. It was just like you got hit with a train purple.

She had a massive heart attack. I cracked a joke to myself. So why wouldn't I crack a joke about anything else? The most sacred thing in a man's life is his mother. And I'll never forget to diffuse that shock. I crack like a fucking joke. Yeah. Like I cracked a joke to myself.

She'll never know I got left back in the seventh grade. I knew it. Like just stupid shit. Yeah. Like I said, we got a thing sent to us from Reddit, like a thing. Oh, yeah. And the guy said that I made a joke about a Mexican little boy crying in a cage. And then you should have seen like 15 people.

So, well, Joey Fuggetti's an immigrant. I never forgot I was an immigrant. Well, convenience. What we say is the first, the first, when you see something, Greg Fitzsimmons, that first voice, that your reaction, that's the reaction. that's the reaction the audience wants to hear. We just don't have the balls to say it. I'll never forget 9-11.

9-11 was on a Tuesday morning, and Monday night I was at the store, and Paul Mooney was on stage, and it was the week that the black guy was going to break the home run record. Barry Bonds. Barry Bonds against the white dude. Mark McGuire.

Oh, was the same show, sir? No, no, no. No, it was Mark McGuire. It was Mark McGuire. and the white dude going head of head. And I'm not, I forget that, and then he opened up, but they're never going to let that nigger break the record. Like, he just went off on a tangent,

and he went off on it so deep that it actually went into my fucking subconscious, okay? Like, they're never going to let that nigger hit a homeowner. That's never going to happen, homie. They're going to do something to make up that niggas, whatever, you know, return. So the next morning, I wake up to my wife going,

oh, my God, oh, my God. My wife was really like, I had just gotten with it. She was overly emotion. And I'm waking up from a cocaine fucking hangover. And I'm seeing the first tower go down. I'll never forget laying back down and go, Mooney was right. They're not going to let that nigger break the home run record

because it was like on a Tuesday when he was going to do it. That was the first thought that came to my head. Then the second thought was the Giants didn't cover last night. The Giants did not cover the night before. And I go, that's comedy. That's what you wanted to hear. Yeah, well, my dad died. They had a priest come by and say a few words,

but he handed out a, he handed out the prayer on a piece of paper to everybody, like a little, like a little misselet. Because they know half the people are, you know, we're Irish Catholic, but there's some of the other tribes snuck in, some of my dad's friends that were Jewish. So they gave them all a cheat sheet, and we say the prayer. And then we're done, the priest goes, okay, if you could hand those back into the front again.

And I go, he lived like it. He died like he lived. Cheap. And everybody started laughing. And the priest got fucking pissed. And I was like, good. You should get pissed. Collecting the fucking prayer back.

That's the reaction. That's the reaction. Yeah. It's really weird that that's what comedy is. Comedy is your first, the first thing you really say to yourself. Yeah. That's the comedy. And then that thought, your, uh, your, uh, your,

smooth side, whatever that part of your brain comes in and smooths out the joke. And you talk yourself out of doing the joke on stage that night. But that first thing that comes to your mind, that's the joke they want to hear. Yeah. That takes you a long time because you know what the ball is to say. But that's the truth.

He kept saying that nigger ain't going to hit the home run. I never going to let him hit the home run. And as soon as that building got hit with the first plane, that's all I kept thinking about was he was fucking right. Because it was that night when he was going to do it, that Tuesday night. Yeah. Dude, I was on stage last Thursday night, and I did this joke. I did this stupid new joke. It wasn't like anything I thought much about. It's probably not a joke I would have kept, but I just threw it out there because I had a piece of paper with new bits written on it. And it was Thursday night, it was fucking 12 people there. Where was this?

At the improv. And so I go, and the joke was just, you know, my nephew's complaining he can't get any pussy at college. You know, I said, well, don't worry about it. I go, I got this thing called the freshman 15. I go, you find all those girls in the spring. You're good to go.

And this girl, this woman stands up middle-aged woman. Fuck you! Fuck you with that fat-shaming, misogynistic. But I mean, Joey, she went zero to 60. She didn't, she didn't ramp up. The second I'd finish that, joke. She was on her feet screaming. The whole crowd turns around

and looks at her like, what the fuck is? This a terrorist attack? And the bounces come over. And I'm throwing gas on the fire because she's with her two daughters. I'm going, look at mommy getting thrown out of the club. I go, that's how you burn calories. Getting that angry.

And they drag her out, screaming. And I have to finish. I've got to do another 10 minutes. And the whole room is fucking awkward at this point. So I joke about it. I'm getting big laughs. But then I still got to eventually go back to my material. And so I come out front and I'm standing there talking Owen Smith and a couple of the people and all of a sudden the woman comes out again, full head of steam again.

Fuck you. You fucking, you're not funny. I would never fuck you. I go, what are you talking about? And so I'm standing there and I'm going back and forth with her until I realize she's not de-escalating. Like her pitch is staying at 10. And I'm not going to stay on Melrose in front of the improv screen with this crazy lady for any longer.

So I turn around, I walk away down the street to go to my car. But she's screaming at the back of my head and I feel like a bitch. Like I'm walking away from her. All the comics are watching. I'm not even turning around. I'm just beelining back to my car. And so same thing. The next day it got tagged on some social media of mine.

And she wrote this fucking letter. The daughter wrote this letter saying that I was a misogynist when I was. I said about her mom and blah blah and blew it all up. And then, of course, all the comments are like, I would have kicked his ass and all this shit. Like, nobody, they weren't there. They're hearing a crazy. And so, yes, it was a whole thing. It was a whole thing.

What do you think of this thing that's going on right now? Well. But I could come out after 36 years and say that you choked me at a party or you show me a dick. Where are we going with this? Well, this is what I was scared of. This is the first time that I've, okay, so now it's not about what we did two years ago or that I showed you my dick in the room or nothing like that. Now it's something that happened. So for 36 years while I was a judge, you didn't say nothing.

And there's already women fucking saying no. Like they don't even know the whole, nobody knows the whole story. Nobody was there. Well, I think that's a scary part is that just because of the way things are now is that not that they can't say it, but everyone immediately goes guilty and you can't really recover from that. So I don't have as much of a problem with them coming out if he did it. If they didn't do it, like I think there should be a punishment if they didn't do it and have some repercussions for that. But if he did it, I don't have much of a problem with that. But I just, it's scary to think about like someone could just say anything online.

And if you get enough people behind you, no matter what the truth is, people are always going to... Like, I just saw one comic is going to be in Boston. It's pretty coming up. And they said, coming back after assault allegations, even though it came out that he didn't, like it... He never did it. I was like, that's crazy. Well, here's the problem is that when there's a movement, there's momentum, and people get swept up into it. And that can be used for good.

That can be used for bad. in this case, obviously it's for good. You know, this movement is trying to help women see that they should be believed when they come out, that we have to not marginalize them right away. But then people get swept up in that and they suddenly go, oh, this is part of that, as opposed to let's judge each case on its own. Let's not say, oh, I'm already riled up because, you know, there's been all these cases that have been proven about men abusing women.

So I'm already angry. And now, let's grab this guy and put him in that same energy as opposed to. Let's look at this one individual case and try to judge it by those merits. This morning I spoke to a friend of mine, Joe Lucci. And I met Joe Lucci probably in the eighth grade. And the band, the area where he lived was the wildest area in my hometown. There's five or six grammar schools. That grammar school by far takes everybody away.

Like they were doing shit in the eighth grade that nobody was doing in the town. And everybody had a catch up over the years. Like they were the real deal. They had the field. They didn't just have Lincoln School, but they had the field. They had the rocks. And the rock, they were on the rocks every night these guys, which meant they were out there drinking, smoking,

fucking ghetto blasters with music. They were crazy. You go out there four in the morning and five people. Like if we live downtown, we go, let's cut through 64th Street field. You'd find eight motherfuckers tripping on acid. I mean, they were just deep. And he goes, I'm coming to the show to see you in West Palm Beach, and I'm bringing my wife. He goes, should I bring my daughters?

What do you think? And I go, no. I go, unless you want them to know that I OD'd in your backyard and me and it started howling. I went to his part I was a junior in high school And I went to his party Like at 6 o'clock at night His party was started like at 4 in the afternoon

And I got there like at 6 with a gram a blow I was in high school And Kualoots But there were the counter quailutes That's when I started eating the ones that people were making it home Yeah Which the table are crooked Right

Which means that the thing leaks Into the bottom ones And these stay weak Yeah So I ate one of the weak ones first, and then I ate the second one. And all I remember is waking up in an alley at 4 in the morning with drool and puke all over me, and the next day hearing the stories. Yeah. How are high school kids a lot to be drinking in?

I mean, obviously, anyways, but 4 p.m.? Like when I did it, we tried to hide it. His parents owned the bar. Oh, my God. Oh, is that a bar? His parents owned the bar. So they were always at the bar. Yeah.

So he would have parties in his basement that were just legendary. but his legendary parties were before concerts. So I still remember going to his house. You ready for this, Joe Luch? August 4th of 1979. They would start at four. You'd get there, there'd be a keg of beer,

and there'd be 12 guys and 12 girls or 20 girls or whatever the fuck, and people were smoking, snort and blow, eating pills, and then in about 645, we'd walk to Kennedy Boulevard, take the bus into the city, and walk the Madison Square Garden. Fucked up.

Fucked up. And go watch. We went to see AC, D, C, D, C, and Ted. And he said all that, he goes, that was a rough one. He goes, I remember just Angus running through the audience on top of whatever's. But then we all have the same truth. He goes, I started doing that tradition way before anybody before a concert, like me at my house

and three. He goes, the first party I had was Monday, December 6, 1976. And he's my age. So he had to be fucking 13. He was 10, not 10, 13. And he goes, I went to see Black Ted Nugent open up a Black Sabbath when he released Free For All Tour. And he goes, guess what else happened that night?

The Cleveland Browns beat the whatever on Monday Night Football. I mean, that's how good his memory was. But I was just thinking about how, could you judge me from that night? Well, you can't judge somebody from what they did 30 years ago, or I'd be under the prison. Yeah, but drugs is different than holding down a woman against her will, trying to take her clothes off. You know, that stays with her. Her memory of that night is going to be a lot more clear because for a woman to be attacked like that is traumatic. and it stays with them and it fucks up their head.

Now, why wouldn't a woman wake up the next morning and contact the authorities or contact somebody? Well, because it's... Or holding it for 30 years. I mean, the whole thing about holding it in that long is it's a mystery to a lot of people. But I think the reality of coming out as a teenage girl at a time when you're embarrassed, you got a zit. You're trying to cover that zit on the way to school. You don't want to be noticed. You don't want to be the center of attention.

And you're raised to respect people that are older than you, so you take shit for granted. If it's an older person, there's a lot of reasons why a girl that age doesn't want. Freshman year of college. I came home to the dorms. It was my first week in school. And I came home when we were snort and crank because that's what this kid from Philly came to school with. I'd never heard a crank in my life. So we snort crank and drinking tequila.

and then we go out to these parties and we come back to the dorm and now it's like 2 o'clock in the morning 3 o'clock in the morning and I see this girl and she's walking up the steps of the dorm and she's got her arms around two friends and she's crying hysterically

and I go, what the fuck happened? And I said, well, she just got sexually assaulted by this guy. I go, well, where is he? They said he took off. He's wearing a Bellevue middle school hoodie sweatsher. I don't remember what it said,

but it was something really specific. So I'm standing there with this other kid, Jeff, and I didn't know Jeff. I'd never met him before. We went on to become close friends, still friends with them to this day. I met him that night. And so they described this sweatshirt, and we go to Comav. Basically, BUs campus is built on one avenue. It's not round. It's a straight line. So we get to Comav, and we're in the middle of it. So I go, all right, I'll go up, you go down. Let's find this guy. So I run up. And sure enough, I'm, you know, I'm 5 foot 8, 150 pounds. Of course, I come on guy and the guy's a football player and he's with a buddy who's a football player but he's got the

sweatshirt on and i said hey they want to talk to you back at sleep or dorm and uh and we have a couple words and his friend comes over and he knocks me down and then they take off just you know cocky so not at a sprint just a jog away from me and i'm on the ground i find a very fine fruit punch bottle and i smash it in half and i chase these guys up the street and they cut into hamilton house which was a dorm about two blocks away. And they go in, but the dorm, the security guard, there's a, there's a lobby. And to get through the door, which is bulletproof glass,

that guy's got to buzz you in. So he's about to buzz them in. I come running in with the bottle. I go, these guys are wanted on the other campus for rape. So the guy doesn't buzz them in. Two guys turn on me. They come at me. I hold up the bottle.

I say the guy call the cops. He calls the cops. It takes about four minutes. And I got these two football players and I got a bottle. And I got them. And the cops show up. And they take statements from everybody. And everybody goes home.

And I got a call from the head of the dorms about four days later saying that these guys are pressing charges on me for assault with a deadly weapon. And that the girl who got assaulted. she's not pressing charges because it's her freshman year it's the first week of school she's been taking SAT prep courses taking AP classes in high school all leading up to this experience

college is her first week and she decides I don't want to spend my freshman year in a courtroom I don't want to get taken apart by the prosecution I don't want to you know whatever and she wasn't raped like penetration but she was assaulted

it. Which means? I don't know. It could mean a lot of different things. But I mean, she wasn't penetrated. So, not that that means anything, but the reason I say that is because I was thinking about a rape kit, and there wouldn't have been a rape

kit in this case. So she didn't have to undergo that. So I say to her, look, you got to press charges on these guys. So we did that. She leveraged it. She goes, well, if they don't drop the charges on Greg, I'm pressing charges on on that guy for assault so it all came out in the wash they dropped the charges she dropped

the charges we went on but it made me think at that time you don't put yourself in the reality of a woman is up against when she's got to press charges and what what else is going on in her life that would give her the flexibility and strength and the independence from everything else in her life to be able to follow that that track and it might not have been a time for her at the time that this happened she's at yale you know this other girl she was a poor woman who's a poor woman who's a poor Puerto Rican girl at Yale. That was what, half of 1% of the population. She was low income.

She was there on scholarship. She already felt like she didn't fit in. Everybody else at Yale is wearing fucking corduroy blazes with leather patches on the elbows and pipes. And here she is this Puerto Rican girl, probably wearing Sassoon jeans and a halter top. She doesn't know how to fit in. And now she's going to press charges on a guy who's Cavanaugh, this guy who's a maid man, his father went here, his grandfather went here. You know, so she sat on it. This is a reality on college campuses.

Right. Because I used to hear about little things in Boulder that would like, I wasn't a private investigator, but I would just hear things. Yeah. You know, you just heard little things that this fraternity was kind of crooked or whatever. You know, girls pass out and they run trains by them and shit like that. That was never really my thing. I didn't understand that whole thing.

Yeah. There was a girl in my hometown that they called. Marathon woman. There was his family, the Denny's. The Denny's were a fucked up family, but thank God for them. I got my license a year earlier. I got my driver's license when I was 16.

You used one of their IDs? No, because their uncle older driving school. Okay. So for like 50 bucks, you get a license, no matter how old you were. You had a mustache and looked 17, you got a license, but the one of them was a guitar player. And he

acted, he did everything. He did everything. like Jimmy Page and he got some fucking groupie chick and you'd roll up on him and he wasn't a bad kid he was shaking your hand hey what's up you know he's one of the few kids

in the early 70s that had a long hair in my neighbor yeah and he would ask you you want to get your dick suck she'll suck your dick and I was like scared of all that stuff at that age so I just avoided

how old were you maybe 40s When I first met Jimmy, I had to be maybe 12. But as I got old, I started hanging out with Jimmy's brother. When my mother died, I started hanging out with Jimmy's brother, who people would pull me aside and go, why are you hanging out with the devil? Yeah.

And I liked him because he was the devil. But after a year, I couldn't hang out with him no more because he double-crossed you on every deal. Yeah. You always got double-crossed. He was just a bag of lies. But it was an experience. But his brother would take that chick to, like, a house party?

and go, everybody wanted their dick sucked. And everybody would go, yeah, and she'd go in the room, and he would send guys in one more one, nobody paid a dollar. Why'd she deal it? She just liked it. She just liked it. There's a thousand different varies. One night she blew 18 guys, and the other night she blew 21.

She did that thing twice. And would go to high school next day. Jesus. And she would sit in the middle of the class, and the guys in the back would go, Marathon Woman. Marathon woman And she wouldn't turn around It was

And even now Thinking back I still remember What a face look like And you could tell There was something not right with her Sadness There was something

No no no It was something not right With her like She was half of Yeah Yeah Something wasn't right Jesus

That's a sad story And she graduated Because she was a year older than me And I remember she I was like a junior When she went off I was a sophomore Yeah my mother

died sophomore year i was a sophomore when the rumors of her started coming up and then one day we went to school and it was everywhere yeah like she had blown 18 guys and came out burped he said who's next you know i'm saying like that type of shit jesus and i spoke to somebody recently and they asked me do you do you remember that night they go i wasn't there i wasn't there i heard about it both times and she went off i was at a party somewhere else uptown both times was downtown because Mike Denny lived downtown they were a downtown family but I can't imagine well this girl who uh Kavanaugh and his buddies had all they'd all tagged in their yearbook there was some what was her name uh praeter alumni it was a first name yeah pray was it was it uh anyway

it rhymed with eight because they had a little rhyme about if you can't get a date it's never too late call up Prate. Was it Prate? Something like that. And and so they all had in their yearbook it was something like 15 guys that all had her name in their yearbook quotes

as like a conquest. Renate. Renate. And here's this woman. She's what is she in her 50s? How old is Kavanaugh? 50 something? Yeah. She's in her 50s. She's living suburban Connecticut. She's got two and a half kids DeValvo and all of a sudden this is coming out in the national papers that she was the woman

to conquer in high school 30 years before. She was one of the women who supported him, not Joey Kavanaugh, and would like sign the letter like, oh, he always treated me with respect. Yeah, right. And then the yearbook comes out. Yeah. Do you, I mean, Greg, you have older kids. Do you feel like with, can you blame porn how crazy it's gone?

like that kids know more stuff now? Or did you guys know just as much when you were growing up? Oh, shit. I didn't know shit. I knew just as much. Oh, I didn't know shit. I had a couple magazines. And I remember the first time I saw a porn movie,

I was at my buddy, my Colombian buddy, David Aaron Gurren, him and his brother, Hector. They lived above a bodega on Cortland Street in New York. New York had projects. I heard of Tarry Town where I grew up had projects downtown because we had a GM plant. And it was a big Cuban-Columbian, black neighborhood downtown and he lived in the middle of it it was it was actually really fucking

it was dangerous we used to get robbed all the time and so we're sitting in his apartment and hector comes in and me and david are maybe maybe 13 12 probably more like 12 and hector's like he's already like 18 and he's already he's already done some time for uh for cocaine bringing cocaine in from Miami and so he shows us a porno movie on a reel to real that's what the original yeah know what year was this 81 yeah real to real and so we're sitting there watching it and uh I got a chubby and he starts laughing he starts grabbing it he's grabbed my dick and I'm watching these two women go down on each other with the muffs more hair than fucking oh you have Joey on your head yeah it's hilarious going at it and noise but you jazz band

some good funk, not that shitty. Back in the 70s, late 70s, 80s. They had roofies and shit. Yeah. Play the guitar. Right, right. And he kept grab my dick and I was like, you know, I didn't think it was gay or weird or anything. I was one of those, like, you ever have an experience that just sort of gets bottled up in your brain

and you don't open that bottle again for like 20 or 30 years? And then you open it up and you go, oh, oh, that was fucked up. up that was wrong what he was doing he showed me that porn for a reason let me ask you this would you if he was running for governor today yeah would you call up reigning fucking pharaoh and say guess what one day he showed me a porn and he touched my dick when my dick got out no because i didn't feel victimized by it and it didn't scar me there was no trauma did you look at it as a joke like i got pulled over one i i got in a guy's car one day and he went to touch he asked me if i like basketball i had the basketball between my legs.

Yeah. And he hit the ball and he grabbed my dick. Yeah. And at the next light, the fucking door opened by itself. God. God had just showed me like what I had got myself into. Now he was going to get me out of it, but don't ever do it again. And I ran away and I got the guy's license plate number.

And the next day I told a few of my friends. And if we saw that license play, we're going to fuck him up. Yeah. But that. But that's the point. You had the power to do that. Even though in that moment you were disempowered, you still had your boys and you still, there would have been retribution on your end that would have been satisfying. But for a teenage girl, it is, the system's not in her favor, you know?

And so, and I think with this guy, I didn't feel, I didn't feel that violated because, A, I didn't attach any sexuality to it on his end. I just thought he was fucking around. And maybe he was. But looking back on it, the odds are showing a 12-year-old of porn movie and grabbing his chubby. How old was he? He was like 18, maybe 19.

So, but it's different, I think, I don't know. I don't know. I think it's more scarring when you're... I was introduced to... Right now I can say a thousand bad things, which are honest. I love my Godfather. My Godfather's one of the best Catholic godfathers

you could ever have. When you're Catholic and you're Cuban, when somebody baptizes you, it's not how white people act. Like, you don't see those people again. Yeah. The Cubans hold that very sacred. Right. They come to the house every week and they talk to you. And I still remember my godmother, and him and her had a divorce, and I had a pick.

I had a pick. I was forced to pick a side. And my godfather used to drove me 50s. He used to take me to the movies. But one of the things he did was he would take me to his white girlfriend's houses. and he would not fuck him in front of me but I remember when I was like eight one time he went over and he goes

I want to show you something there was two chicks eating each other out when you're eight you're like traumatized and then every time he would see me he would say something sexual to me like yeah do you still piss sweet

in Spanish that means are you coming yet like he would just say little things to me to prep me for women so by the time I was 11 or 12 I was already prepped. Yeah. But I was so indoctrinated in the Catholic religion

that it was against everything I had. Like to take my dick out of touch a girl's tea. You had shame about it even though you were ready to go. Yeah, I was approved. I was always, always approved. Like I talk a lot of shit. I didn't get my first blow job too late because I thought if a woman sucked a dick,

she was just disgusting. Like at that age, and it was disgusting. But there was an incident. There was an incident when I was about in the seventh grade or eighth grade there was an incident one night where my high school teachers played the Mets. My faculty from North Bergen played against the Mets in a celebrity charity basketball game and the place was packed. I was with the kids from downtown Martin Ferry. Perez, this other group of kids, Peter Jimenez, Julian, he was dead now, all these guys. And on the way out, there was a girl.

I mean, there was a school auditorium, you know, and it was emptying up. And there was a girl, and everybody was grabbing the tits. Like, at one point she was, like, covered up, and people were just, like, grabbing a tits or grabbing her ass, and she was, like, turning around. And I even think I grabbed the tit, too, and I was really young. I remember that I got really like my dick got hard And my face got red And I remember that it started off as a joke

With this girl Like they were saying she was giving free squeezes or something But then it was like 300 guys were on top of her Like it was really ugly We walked home And I always thought about how bad that girl felt Like she was older than us If we were the seventh grade

Maybe she was in high school Yeah you know I saw years later And she was still crazy and by that time she had fucked 50 guys so she had no credibility if she would have attacked anybody. But that was wrong. That was wrong.

Thinking back now, 50 years later that, that was wrong. You know. Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows what they're doing? Like Cosby, got three years today. Yeah. Three to ten, yeah.

That means a year and a half. That's a year and a half. That's a year and a half and he's got a tons of money. Yeah. And he's going to claim that he's sick So you put you in a hospital, truly not jail And then you get special privileges And he gets a TV

He's never going to What he did In my world is just fucking terrible 60 women Came after him And that's just what That's just the ones that came forward That's just the ones that came forward

Triple that There's triple that that said You know what? We don't want to deal with it We don't want to open up this wound Yep You know They can go into somebody's house

And waking up on the couch and going, what happened? Oh, we were fucking around. We ate a star. You know? Like, we just ate an edible. Don't worry about it. You'll be fine.

Which did happen to you a couple times. To men. It happened to men. We just left George Perez on the couch. We just left him on the couch. Sarah Tiana, helped her over to the couch and put it down, put a blanket on it.

You know what I'm saying? Owen Benjamin just never came back. He just got up, walked out. Next thing you know, he walked in Vermont. And the next thing, you know, he was getting chased out of her mind. Now he's off on Twitter. Him and Alex Jones is starting a web page together and shit. Did he get thrown off Twitter?

A while ago. Yeah, he could before Alex Jones. I remember watching his videos and they were, they were fucking, they were bent. He was losing his mind. He gets mad when people say stuff like that, apparently. Oh, yeah? I mean, who knows? Maybe, I don't think it's fake, but it's, it's, it's.

You think he believes all that stuff? I don't know. It seems like it. Who? What does he believe? He's a super right wing. There's a lot of like alt-right kind of stuff. You know, conspiratorial shit and just...

But I don't know. I don't want to speak. I shouldn't speak about it. I opened my mouth before I should have. Because, you know, he's a friend. He's a nice guy. No, he's a very nice guy. I'm not saying he's nothing about it.

We're talking about it. He was fine. So he came in here one day. He ain't one of those red stars. I saw him like stretching his neck and shit. Yeah. Like he was doing something weird. And he goes, do you mind if I take a walk?

And that's it. Yeah. Like, he never came back. Right. And we spoke briefly the next day. He's like, man, I just started walking. And then next year, a week later, he's moving to Vermont. Yeah.

Right. That star changes his whole world. And put him through changes. Well, your whole week, we were just talking before the podcast about how Greg's producer, who produces XM radio is a good producer and forgot to press record once because you gave him some. I don't even know what you gave him. What the fuck don't know? Gummy berries.

Yeah, it was gummy bears. It was like, it was like Mardi Gras. You were throwing those gummy bears around like we were a bunch of fucking frat guys. It's, but every time. No, Chee-Bichu's. Cheap-Bichu. Those edible, even acid. That's one thing I stick up for, like acid.

Really? Cheapichu. Let me tell you something, man. I'm going to tell you this and you could say whatever you want or whatever. Number one, I would have been dead right now if I would have done acid after my mom died. When it was real acid, when people were getting real acid, it opened up your mind. It really did. As dumb as this fucking sounds.

But smoking marijuana opens up your mind. If you don't smoke marijuana, like if you don't smoke marijuana, like Lee, for example, and you started smoking in the morning. Yeah. Put the iPad on a, whatever. iPod. Speakers of music. And you went for a walk.

You'd be surprised at the thoughts that come into the ad. that's why I always enjoyed marijuana. I enjoyed marijuana from the beginning because now I had somebody to answer my questions. The truth. I think in some ways marijuana, it's not necessarily that it gives you the thoughts, is it quiets all the other thoughts. So you can hear the one that was down there in the first place. That's what I loved about.

I loved, like that's why I don't even drink when I smoke pot. I always just settled on Rifa because I didn't like the effect, the alcohol added to it. Alcohol added the yelling and screaming effect to it. I don't like that. I just want to smoke a joint and put on an album. Don't ask me no question that has no meaning to it because I really don't give a fuck. I'd much rattle to listen to the album.

What's the last time you put on an album and just sat, transfixed? What album was it? It had to be about three weeks ago. I came in here one night. I was home all week. Like we did the podcast in two nights and I didn't have a spot for like three nights. I came in here and it had to be 10 o'clock. I knew Lee was at the fourth wall and he wasn't going to stop by.

And I put on for the first time, okay, we listened to parts of it on the radio. But for the first time, I listened to both sides, back-to-back smoking pot to here. And it fucking destroyed me. Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon. Yeah. My first CD. Yeah. Like just listening to the whole.

album both sides made me realize I got to up my comedy game. Yeah. Because this was the fourth of five masterpieces in a row. That's never been done. Did they have five albums that good? I think it's metal.

Wish you were here. Animals. Animals. Dark side of the moon and it ended with the wall. The original liner. Yeah, that is five. So even if I remove metal and I put wish you were here animals dark side of the wall and the and it ends with the

wall dark side of the moon ends with the wall that four world-class specials that those are four specials that even you got up in the living room it gave you a standing ovation yeah Netflix or whatever the fuck your platform is coming they have 15 studio albums yeah did they really crazy Damn. Yeah, and the electronics that were going on in the wall, all kinds of like precursors for the music we're listening to today. Well, the music we're listening to today is lacking a lot of things. I think it's more costumy than music. Did you see that thing yesterday, Ace Freely, will be your best man for $6,000? The Chapel in Vegas, if you get that. Is it a reality show or for real? From October 26th.

If you get married a kiss in Chicago, for six grand he'll be to marry you and walk her down the aisle or be your best man. And then sing two songs for you. I was thinking I'm splitting it with somebody and getting like a gay marriage and having an ace freely be my fucking, how funny would that be marrying Eddie Bravo and gay church? Right, right.

In full makeup. When full makeup, kiss, make him. No, no, no. He looks like a boss. You know, people think that I really believe that if you're doing drugs at your 60s, keep going. Yeah. Don't stop. Like, I stopped at 44.

But if you're over 50, once you stop doing drugs, you don't look worse. Yeah. You don't look worse. Just keep going. He looks fucking like a bus hit him, but I love to that. I think he's one of the funniest people on this planet. Yeah. Ace freely.

Yeah. One-on-one, when he's high and shit on interviews, I fucking laugh. mine he's from the Bronx yeah so he's got that little accent and he's got that attitude I crack up all the time I watched an interview today with him that he was dead for the first two minutes of it because I know he was sitting there going what the fuck am I doing yeah yeah I got this fucking kid asking me about too hot to handle and kiss alive and all this shit but for six grand he'll be your best man shit I'd do it I'd be someone's best man for six grand that's exactly the numbers matter fact no less no more you ever think you gotta put up with the wedding

you know now be your best man if you can pay me six grand i walk in walk you hug you take a picture and leave yeah oh yeah oh no there's no reception the wedding i got that of that that that skyrocketed your cost 20 yeah 25 hanging out and getting up on stage yeah that's 50 that's 50 000 i'm hitting you heavy five minutes 50 000 hang out at your wedding. I fucking hate weddings. Yeah. Oh my God. Like I fucking hate weddings. Do you remember in your 20s loving weddings?

No. I do. No. No. No. No. Number one, I'm Cuban. Yeah. And Spanish people have a thing called Keynesignettas. Yeah, they go from 8 in the morning until fucking midnight. I know. And they have to do it when you're 15 or 16. And I was one of the only Cubans ever that I knew that went through a fucking

Kin Senyana. I signed up. The girl asked me to be one of the guys with the top. Soxedo and the whole thing. And I fucking went there and an hour in, I faked that I was sick. Yeah. I left and I never went to a king's senior. I had anything again. And my mom's friends would beg me.

My mom would beg me and I'd tell her not in a million fucking years. Yeah. And then my stepdad had a daughter. I went to her wedding when I was a kid. I was a kid. I didn't know what a wedding was about. I had an okay time. But that shit wedding, where you have to take a,

a plane for somebody. Oh, yeah. That's where it ends. Then you show up and they got a table number. You don't even get to choose who you sit with? I did that one time. I made that mistake in 1987. I went back for a wedding in Jersey.

You know, it cost me fucking $8,900 dollars. I didn't have. Right off the bat, you're like, what the fuck am I doing? I could just put a hundred of the envelope and live my fucking life. I actually went back there, and I hated the whole experience. like now weddings to me have become annoying.

Yeah. It's annoying. Yeah. And the more bourgeoisers, the more annoying. Yeah. Yeah, because nobody relaxes. Yeah. The more bushwriters...

But the worst, though, is you buy that plane ticket, you buy that hotel room, you put the money in the envelope, and then they sit, then they give you a night. I'm 32. All right, I'm at table 32. You sit there and you got the second cousin of the bride. You don't know the bride. Now you're sitting with her second cousin. Your friends are all sitting on the other side of the room.

They got the good table. You got the shit one. So for all this money, I can't even have the freedom to talk to who I want to talk to at this fucking reception. That's crazy. So I don't know. I like weddings that are just parties. The wedding I went to Jersey. If there was 100 people at the wedding, 84 of them were doing blow at the reception.

Yeah. So the cake, nobody was touching the cake. Nobody even thought of eating the meal. Everybody still had fucking roast beef and half a chicken on their table. Everybody was sweating. Everybody had their tie off. That dance floor was fucking jacked. I had never seen nothing like that.

Yeah. There was a line at the bathroom. All the conversations were in the bathroom. That was the wedding of 87. I remember sitting there going, how fucking embarrassing is this? And the family is like, The old people were sitting like, why are they all in the bathroom? Yeah.

Everybody. I remember going into the bathroom and there was a thousand drinks which draws them like everywhere. The men's bathroom toilets because guys are just going in there snorting and leaving their drinks in there. Are they still married? No. They got their long gone. Oh, my God. They got divorced 10 years later.

They're long gone. But that's the wedding where I found out where the Houston did go. She was there? No. The guy that got married on the car wash. Yeah. And he told me that. Whitney Houston would come in,

and when they would sweep the back of a car, it would be empty bindles. Yeah. Like she would take bindles and throw them in the back scene. I'm like, not only is this a bad wedding, but these guys are lying to me. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Like that Whitney Houston doesn't do cocaine. No. And look at the fucking story. I'll tell you who else had a badass wedding. You know who else had a badass wedding? The first time I got married was one of the fucking craziest things

because I, I got out of prison. I got in the prison in February, and I knocked her up in April. And, I mean, I was snorting. I was doing everything with three hands. It's like nothing had happened. And I'm in the halfway house. So my goal was to get out of the halfway house.

So we set the wedding for 9-9 of 89. That was the wedding date. The anniversary just fell a couple days ago. We would have been married. I don't know, 20-something years. 29 years, yeah. We would have been married. and the whole family on her side

was in that I was clean and sober that had changed my life and I had a weekend pass from the judge so they couldn't piss me till Wednesday legally so I knew I was going to go fucking A-wall off the reservation so we get to the church my brother's flying and he's going to be the best man

but he had gone to a wedding the night before he went to a wedding the night before I got on a red eye and came to Colorado. And when he walked in, I had a couple of my friends come in. When he walked in, the priest pulled me aside. The priest goes, I don't know if you know what I did before I was here. I worked with drug addicts in San Francisco. Your best man, that's not going to work today.

He's got rings around his nose from that before. That's how fucked up he was. So another friend of mine, Georgie, had to step in and be my best man. But Mike was in the back fucking half. Yeah. He was the guy that would sue everybody. I had a friend that would go. Well, the suing spree.

He teamed up with this Jew lawyer, and they were just suing people. One after the other. He got tons of money. He got one because he was carrying a tub up a thing, and the tub got cut. He got one stitch. The guy got him 200 large. His Jew was a fucking savage. He got him another one, and then he got his wife one,

because she was walking down the street with groceries. And a kid was on a bicycle on the street. She was on the sidewalk. This is how good this Jew was as an attorney. And a car cut the bike off. The bike went into the sidewalk and hit my friends. And she fell down. Nothing happened.

He got her like 80,000. Because she sued the property owner for not having offense. I mean, this Jew is just notorious. So Mike, I'm a Mike at the wedding being coked and he's like, I got $8,000 in my pocket. And I got about four working. You know what I'm saying? He had four lawsuits working.

They were suing people. He was getting commissions. The guy's name was Cozy. C-O-Z-Z-I. I'll never forget that. They're like, you need money. Go see Cozy. Like, Cozy would sue you.

Like, you just go see him and then he'll come up with the case for you? Yeah, he'll come up with something. Did you fall in the last year? It's a pitch meeting. Yeah, it was like he was tremendous. But I'll never forget he was loaded. Mike was loaded at the time. We get married at St.

Sacred Heart Church. And now we got to go to the same. courtyard marriott for the reception but Nebraska's playing Colorado that day one of those big games and my buddy's a degenerate gambler so as soon as we get to the reception he goes right up to my wife's family's like where's the TV and they're like TV there's no TVs here these guys he brought like three of his friends my other buddy brought like two of his friends they probably had an ounce and a half a blow between them we were in the bathroom with my wife's brother She had two brothers, but one of the brothers, Joe King was crazy.

We were in there was like a blizzard in there. As soon as you walked into the bathroom, you're like, whew, we were snorting with three hands. I was crying at the wedding. My nose was leaking. And my wife knew I was doing blow. She was the poor girl. I was like trying to play and all. But what broke the wedding was my buddy was like, I'm serious.

I need a TV. and there's no TV he went to the room he went up to the room he took the TV from the room brought it downstairs and he gave the stock clerk 20 bucks on extension cord

so at the table he had the game on during the wedding during the wedding and he was young and cherished you know my wife mentioned it at the divorce she's like at the wedding

your friend had a TV at the fucking table did the photographer get a picture of that I have no fucking idea I would love to see them picture. I think I ripped all those pictures up. I ripped them all up. As soon as we got divorced, I ripped those pictures up. Did he win money that night?

I have no fucking idea. He was, I ended up, his daughter just had cancer. That's, my niece just had cancer. She beat at 18. But that's who helped me out when I got back into comedy. And it was weird because when I moved back, I moved back to Jersey

in 93, I was just starting to get momentum as an open micer and I stayed with him and his wife, His wife was pregnant, and he would go out seven nights a week and get fucked up. He would get fucked up. And he would go, I'm paying you to stay up my wife. And his wife and me would get Chinese food in Sea Caucus. There was a place that was open till two.

Every night and 11, we'd get $50 worth of Chinese food. Egg rolls, fried cramp, rantoons, whatever fucking calls. Rangoon. Rangoods. We would destroy it. that fucking thing. So when she was pregnant, I would smoke pot. And she had, like, please, go smoke pot with it, dog.

Yeah. And I would go, what the fuck? Just smoke a little bit. And she would smoke a little bit. When the baby was born, they had to keep her in the hospital for an extra day. Because the baby was fucked up. The baby came on stone. But she's all right.

She just got married a month ago in Colorado. And she'd be cancer. The younger sister, Alexa was the one that had the weed. that the one I got stoned as a baby as a fetus as a fetus the younger one had the cans of Lindsay which people from the church helped out and sent money to the go fund

me she beat it yeah that you know that that embryo sucking on that umbilical core it's got the munchies suck in the marrow let me tell you something I can't imagine what my mother did when I was in the system yeah I remember seen pregnant women smoking in the 70s they didn't give a fuck

oh yeah that didn't give a fuck yeah that shit just died maybe 15 years ago. I remember seeing a picture of my mom full, belly full, a baby. And one of those green crem de mints, you remember those fucking liquor? She used to drink those. That was her drink. Green de mish.

She was standing there, haul, in a bright green drink in her hand. Well, at a certain point, weren't doctors saying, like, cigarettes are good for you? Like, 9 out of 10 doctors recommend camel. I'm pretty sure that at one point they said it was healthy. I don't fucking think so. they just didn't know like I remember when you were able to have you been on a plane

recently where they still have ashtrays oh yeah you ever got on the play they still have ashtrays they're like what the fuck yeah how old is this fucking airplane

yeah think of being in a plane and being able to smoke I still remember that yeah I sit in the back you got to sit in the back the back people would be fucking sparking up

like nothing happened yeah I don't remember that but I remember going to restaurants as a kid and there was a smoking section non-smoking section. My dad used to smoke three packs a day. My mom smoked a pack a day. And we would drive. I mean, you know, it's in New York where it's cold. You got the windows up six months of the year.

And just chain smoking. Just sit in the back. I had asthma too. I would, I'd be having fucking asthma attacks. And so he cracked the window to give me some air, just to crack. And then he would I remember he would flick the cigarette at the crack, you know, like somehow it was magically sucking the ash out. It was blowing it in the back seat. So not only we inhale and fucking smoke, we're covered ashes. You know? Pirates really didn't give a fuck in the 60s and 70s.

No. It was such a different fucking world. Yeah. Just lately, I've been going to, you know, I have played dates with the baby and stuff like that. And I tell you what I see a lot. I see kids that like playing inside the house. This is the

third played date that I've been on, and the People have huge yards. I got a huge yard. I throw her out every day in their yard. I throw her out in the yard or I make a plane in front of the house every day for at least a half hour. I took her out there yesterday. We looked at fucking flowers in front of the house, those things that you blow. Dandelions.

Dandelions. Just to get them because I'm sick and tired of it. We are programming a couple months ago. I went to a beautiful house, Cuban people. pool fucking jacuzzi huge yard I'm sitting there watching these parents

talking while the kids are running in the fucking house there's fucking expensive lamps you know the whole thing and they're running in the house and I'm fucking you know I can't relax I can't relax because I smell the accident coming I smell the blood

it doesn't take a fucking genius you know there's eight kids running in the fucking house and I had to fuck like I had to go back there and go mercy get out like get outside and the other kids will go, well, we're having a good time. You know, and I finally told my wife, I go,

you've got to help out too. You're out there sitting there. This kid's going to get hurt one day. You've got to come and answer to me. Because I know what you're doing. You're sitting down talking with these women when these kids are running. But this last week I went to a play date, Saturday.

And again, a guy had a huge backyard with a fucking trampoline. They went out there for five minutes, and right away, the kids were like, I want to go inside. and they have a huge living room and they're playing soccer and there's glass everywhere. And Mercy's a mule. Mercy is playing soccer that she's won. If Mercy could do anything is kick a fucking ball.

She was kicking. Even the people were like, Jesus Christ. And I'm like, guys, I think it's time to go outside. Yeah. And the kid's like, well, I don't want to go outside. The parents are like, well, he doesn't want to go outside. Let's force them outside. Let's force them to go outside.

You know, let's force them to get some fucking vitamin D. That's why these kids don't go outside. I've noticed it lately. They don't go out. I don't want my daughter. You know, my daughter's only allowed to be on the computer 10 minutes. You know that, right? My wife's got him on the Nazi program with the timer and everything.

Ten minutes a day? Ten minutes at night and ten minutes when she gets home from school. That's it because she doesn't want that world. Good. That's great. I don't want to get involved in that world. And by the way, when I was well in this subject here, I don't live on social media. I check it.

you know what I'm saying? Yeah Like every three or four hours I check social media So I'll go home and check Twitter If I'm out Like I don't have Facebook on my phone So you can face me till you're blue

With the fucking face I don't know what you're talking to me about Facebook? Yeah Yeah I check it twice a year I don't have Facebook on my phone I get on Facebook for two Three minutes I promote

Yeah I answer some emails But I don't check it all day long And the same thing with Twitter I'm not on Twitter all day long I check it and I move on with my life. There are people that are on that motherfucker.

Constantly. Constantly. You look to see who's tweeting. Kate Quigley is constantly tweeting. Dean Delray, I don't know how the fuck he has the time to be here. It's a bad fucking habit. Rogan, I spoke to him last night. He goes, I asked him how the hunting trip went.

And he goes, I had a really good time. But he goes, you know what the best part of the hunting trip was? There was no internet there. for a week. I go, what kind of whatever did you have, the first few hours? He goes, the first day it was a little rough. After that,

it was smooth sailing. It was great to give it a fucking breather. Guys, do me a favor. Scott Cunningham, the whole fucking Facebook group, all you guys, I love me to death. But stop. Go outside. Go do something. There's guys that are around there

all fucking day talking about shit that at the end of the week. It doesn't matter. I know, and then I see comics like that, and then I see them at the club. And they got no new material. They're doing the same shit. I look at them like, you know, you could have spent all that fucking time. We're going on your act.

There's a time for this. And there's a time. It's like I was telling Lee that when I was 27 locked up, a black guy in the kitchen made a comment to me. We were, I had like insomnia one night. We were talking. He goes, you know, think about all the shit you spend. your energy on that's bad and even the thinking think if you took that energy and expanded into something good and ever since that statement with him i looked at everything a lot differently i love football

i love football but i don't have eight hours to watch football prior to that i'll never forget i could sit in colorado especially in aspen from uh the seasons from november 18th to maybe march 15th and then from till May there's nothing going on in Aspen Like if you live in Aspen Only the locals are working They close the restaurants The ski shops are closed

Everything's closed and everybody goes away I would stay You know why I would stay in the morning? Because I would get up at 8th the morning And get a bond Even my girlfriend would go back to her parents' house And visit them in Boulder

And I would stay in that house All fucking day watching movies I could stay there all day going from movie VHS I could sit and watch six movies in one day and watch one movie twice

and I would get up to go to the bathroom eat but I would do that three days a week no shit watch movies every fucking movie that you think when I worked at that video store

I would go there and take 10 movies no porn they had everything that's when the 16 year old was sucking dick what was Tracy Lord's yeah that's what Tracy Lord's was huge yeah the octopus in the pussy

Tracy does Japan yeah Tracy does Tokyo she put an octopus in a pussy like an octopus wing one of the fucking just one not all eight yeah no that's a fucking that's a pisser right there

I ate octopus arms in my monkey what are you fucking kidding me and they all had a condom on that could be a sex toy man you should develop the octopus and put eight different women on there. But then you end up like, fucking Judge Carowack over here.

You choke one of them, whatever his fucking name is. You can't even invent the dildo now. They'll throw you in jail. It sounds like a merry-go-round almost. Yeah, it's like a merrick around. Yeah, right. Like with a foot in between them and shit.

How funny with that. I was telling them a story one time at the ice house. I went to this gay bar, Ram Bruns, and on certain nights, like, I didn't know. Every night they had a different theme night. And one night, I went in there.

Like one night it was piss on somebody night, like spit on somebody night, like that big guy on the third floor in a tub. But I went in there one time, and there was a guy, and they were playing like Wheel of Fortune. It wasn't called Wheel of Fortune. It was called, like, Spind the Cock. And the guy would tie him up naked. Like Jesus, he would spread his legs.

On a wheel. On a wheel. And if he won the ballot or whatever, they would make him go upside down, and somebody would suck his dick while he was upside down. And I'll never forget The winner or the loser I don't know

I don't know what the fuck But I'll never forget Going in there one night I'll loo Looking for a gram of blow Like me and my buddies Like that was the last resort To get blow

And we went in there And everybody was around this Like you know Cherry go Go go go go And I'm at the ball Like yeah Let me get a gram a blow

I guess Hold on five minutes And I'm like what's going on over that And it's like It's all you didn't know Because he was gay As fuck this guy His name was Joe Gash

He goes You didn't know It's, you know, a wheel of cockney or whatever. So I go over with this poor bass and this upside down and this fucking Puerto Rican little mustache and little earring is sucking that pipe. But I figured out, I've got to know this for years. Like this type of shit. You're not supposed to see that when you're 18.

But here's the thing I don't understand about Joey Diaz and the church what's happening in general. If I had one story that good, you would know I had that story. Because I would have told, I would have already told it 30 times. This is one of many. That's what I'm saying. But I thought about it and I thought about one thing. I'll never forget that he was sucking the guy's dick and I was behind him and all these gay guys were like, go, go, go, go. And I finally went over.

Is bankrupt? Bankrupt, you got to eat his asshole? No, I don't know. I don't know. The guy's upside down. He's yelling because the blood's in his head. So this guy's sucking his dick, but I don't forget that. Something made me go around. Look at what the guy was.

look like that was sucking his dick and he was sucking it you understand me when all the blood goes to your head I don't think your dick gets hard so this guy had both his cheeks connected like he was like and I never forgot like at that time I don't even think I got my dick

sucked but that's pretty interesting that guy sucking for his life like he was sucking for his fucking life I love if you pass out of the set of blood but you just sit there and watch it for about a minute and then I went back got my grandma Coke and left and there said nobody was nobody's business you know what I'm saying I saw a guy got his dick upside down

who says that type of shit to people who watches that type of shit you got to watch it if it happens in fronty at least one time he had to wait for his coke you got to wait for the coke I better watch what's going on what's going on with the talent you know what I'm saying maybe I want to jump in I would love to get my dick suck if I was upside down I think I get a panic attack thinking back like if my head is underneath I don't care how hot she is if she just suck in my dick well it's a race passing out and coming. Is that what it is? Yeah.

I think you hear about these people that asphyxiate themselves while they masturbate. And I've always thought, you know, I've masturbated for a lot of years and I'm good. But could I take it to another level? No. But I'm afraid what if I did and I forgot to let go on my neck or whatever? That's not the way you want to be remembered.

Okay, so like the guy from the next sex, he goes into a room. I think he was in a closet and he put, put, put his belt around his neck. You put your belt around your neck and you hold one and pick your weight up? I guess. Or you just choke yourself.

I think you have to tie it off because isn't that how David Carradine, one of the Carradine brothers died doing that? And then Robin Williams supposedly, am I wrong? So let's go back here. So it's like suicide while you're jerking off. Yeah, you try to choke yourself. You know how when you're getting choked out, you get lightheaded and a little euphoric.

Yeah. So I guess you combine that with masturbation. And it takes, to me, masturbation. after all these years is still so fucking good. Like, I don't, I don't picture making it better. It's like,

it's all in my control. It's joy. It's a release. There's a little shame afterwards. But the actual experience of it, I still can't believe after all these years there's nothing that I still enjoy

as much as that one activity. And there's nothing else close. You know, when it comes to me, I like banging one out, but I like banging them out of the road. Yeah. Like in the shower. In the shower.

Like I love banging one out in the shower when I can lay down and sit and I got time. I condition my hair, I shave. You lay down in the shower? I love that shit. Oh, for years. I lay down in the shower. To me, it's if when I get off a plane, that's the thing I look most forward to when I land, especially at a hotel. That's why when I go to these fancy, smancy hotel, I don't have a shower curtain.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't have a whole glass anymore. They don't have a tub. Yeah, they pissed me off. I turned the hot water on. I fucking smoke a half a number. Sometimes I'll take a little piece of Azanax.

And I just sit in the hot water and I fucking think. I wait until it gets hot, nice and steamy, 20 minutes in, you shave. It's like shaving through butter. Yeah. You know. How long are you in there for altogether? Sometimes an hour. Sometimes two hours.

The fucking room, the shower at the... You're going to get a call. from the uh from green piece about that one i don't get what fuck where's uh what's the hotel i stay at south point south point shower is where the brick ends yeah all the way to there yeah you walk in you open the thing they have a sink in the shower

and then they have a gun and then they have a shower and then they have water that comes out of the walls And they have a little bench. You know how many times I've gotten up there in four in the morning? Roll the fucking joint, smoked it, gotten toasted. Because I paid a $2.50 fine there. I don't give a fuck. Because by the time it's just a big room, I'll smoke a joint in the bathroom.

I'll sit there from 4 to 6.30. Thinking about my life. Imagine the neighborly. You know, because you can hear that shower going on the next room in a hotel. He has a big room in at the... But he's in the sophomore. He's been in it. Yeah.

But you used to do that when you were big, right? You used to sleep in there? When I had the sleep apnea, I realize that the only way I could fall asleep is if I was on an angle. Yeah. And, you know, you go to these people's houses, they're rich. And you would take a shower at somebody rich's house, $1.8 million, $2 million. And after 10 minutes, they got no hot water. You got a waste of a house.

Yeah. Your house is a waste. 10 minutes and I got to wait another half hour for the water to get out. You got beat. I lived in a building in Hollywood that they had one of those old tanks. Do you know I used to sleep in there? You'd keep the water running while you slept? Because that's the only way I could sleep when I had to sleep after it.

I was 400 pounds. So I would go in the tub. I'd take a pillow and I put a garbage bag on it. One of those fucking hefty, hefty, hefty, hefty, hefty, hefty. There's so many ways you could die. I would fucking close off the pillow I would put it behind me I would put the hot water on

and it would hit like my stomach and I'd just fucking sleep there when I'd wake up the paint will be peeling off the wall before we moved there we had to paint the bathroom I peeled the primer off the wall sheet rock was coming off mold the fucking top was just mold

and you can see where it was just dripped with brown mold every time you would paint it the mold would come right through when I fucking first got diagnosed to sleep out of you That's the only way I can sleep. I love showers. Yeah.

I've always loved showers. I don't understand dirty people whatsoever. Do you take baths? No. I don't want to bathe in the same water, the germs I came on. I want that stuff to flush. Okay. I want to sit.

Baths is something like drinking for me. Like in the 70s, when you watch a TV show, Greg walked in here in the 70s, I would turn around and have a bar with a bottle filled of the brown booze. It could be scotch, bourbon. whiskey. You don't know, but you didn't have the boss to ask. I poured two of them and I just gave it to you. That was the 70s. That's what we learned

from. I don't even know where I'm going with this conversation. Baths. Oh, Bats. Bats has always been something else that seemed overrated. You ever see some people on TV they take a bath and they're like their whole world changes. Oh, dude, I love baths. They get in there with bubbles and they sit back with opera music.

They close their eyes. They make believe they're having a good time. That's two minutes for me. That's like a hand job. I like that shit. I want action. I want to continue. Right. Well, what about a jacuzzi tub? That sounds like the answer for you.

No, I like the water coming on. I like water hit me in the face. I like water hit me on the tinnies on my stomach. I sit in the back. I'll just sit there with one leg up like a thinker. Yeah. I'll just go in and clear my head on. You know, when we were going to...

Clear out the fucking reservoir in that town, too. When we were going through the drought here in L.A., you couldn't take showers and I live next to hippies. When I lived on Duncunson, I live next to hippies. So I would take showers and they would yell, there's a water restriction. I would go, fuck you. So now I couldn't, you know, abuse the water in L.A.

I would take six, seven minutes showers. Yeah. But when I go on the road, that's the first thing I do. When I get off a plane, listen, you have a, you ever wait to get on a plane. You see what comes off that plane? It's like jungle fucking fever. It's somebody from every different country, breathing something fucking else. The one is a fucking travel ban.

Lee just made it audible. You make that fucking, I'm telling you from your face here, guys. I'm not trying to be racist or a bad person, but look at all the people that are coming off that plane, all the different countries they came in from. What did that plane is? One big journey. Didn't we just have to land a plane because people got off the plane coughing

in Philadelphia on these international fights? I'm not lying to you. Before, how can you, Now, let me ask you a question, Greg Fitzsimmons. Just so people know, home of not lying. Have you ever seen the last person get off? Oh, it's, yeah. How long till they start bored?

Two minutes. Yeah. They don't even spray lysol on the fucking place. Oh, no, they're waiting. By the time, if you board from the back of the plane, by the time you get to the 10th row, that army has already, they've already been on. They've already cleared the first 10 rows. They're worried by the time, five minutes later, that thing is gone.

The only thing they got time to do is steal your shit, because I have left about a half a dozen things on planes in the last few years. Laptop computer, a phone, a couple hats, nice hats. Nothing ever gets returned. And I always fill out the accident.

Those people are fucking, they're thieves. Granted, they're probably being underpaid, whatever, but that shouldn't make you a thief. You know, they got the bag, the garbage bag,

they take your computer, they put it inside, they hold on to it, and then they sell it later. Well, they had that TSA guy who had like a house full iPads. Oh, no shit.

That was a couple years ago. Let me look at it. Really? Yeah. No, but I don't trust planes just because of the fact that Lysaw the plane down, and at least in first class, get that wipes and wipe down the headrest. Yeah. I don't know what this guy's fucking hair has been.

Right. I don't know. I don't know what if I'm, maybe he was at that fucking gay ball last night, getting his dicks up and his hair was touching 20 pounds of sperm from the 80s. I don't fucking know. What about that TV screen? You know. They have to touch, to order stuff. All that stuff. All that stuff I bring handy wipes with me.

Yeah. Like my wife got me a thing of handy wipes. I put it behind the line. Do you really? Oh yeah, man. I wipe down my fucking handles. When I get off a plane, there's one thing for me to do, and that's take a shower.

As soon as I got off that plane, I get in my Uber, whether it's going or coming. When I get home on Sundays, my kids are already gone. They're at church. My wife is at church already. So I'm walking at 9.30. I unload everything. I put what belongs in my office. in the office, I put the laundry away,

I strip down naked and I go in that fucking shower and I scrub, tub, wub, everything comes off. Then I take the homecoming shit. Why don't you shit before the shower? Because, no, I do take the homecoming shit before the shower. I'm lying to you.

I take the 40 inch shit. Right. Because the whole weekend, your asshole isn't accustomed to the toilet your shitting on, so it's embarrassed. And only let's how like eight-inch dumps or four inches, little Cuban cigars. You're like, what the fuck? What's going out with my system? Let me tell you something. As soon as my asshole hits the 101,

that little magneto from the 405 to the 101, and I blast that one fart in that Uber, and I got to open up the window, and the Uber driver's talking fucking Arabic on the phone to his cousin. I thought my la Kakaka, ha, ga, ka, ka, ka, ka. And I blast that fucking pre-fart, that last blast of three fucking days of eating on the road. Your body's not used to that.

As soon as I walk in, I just drop my luggage, go to the bathroom, and it's like a 40-inch. Yeah. It just comes out. It breaks in half. You break the surface of the water. That's a victory. It looks like a question mark.

Sometimes the riddler took a shit in my bathtub. I take a picture and send it to Thompson. You sent it to me a couple weeks ago. God damn. You can't unsee that shit either. No, you can't. And I won't put it on Twitter no more because then people send you shit pictures. Oh, you used to put it on Twitter?

No, if it's a good one, you got it. Like if it breaks in half, it looks like a cane that's broken. The one I said him looked like It was skinny. Yeah. Skinny. Yeah, it was really skinny, but it was longer than fuck. It was like the hemorrhoid.

Yeah. Tapped into the shit and put a dent in it. It's like when you shoot a bullet, you can tell what gun it belongs to? If somebody looks at that shit, like this came out of Joey Diaz's his ass. It's got the markings. Like a mug shot. Like a mug shot. I had to text them like three or four times, so it stopped showing up in the window.

And I didn't even see it. I saw it like two days later. You didn't say a word. I must have missed the text in an open microphone. Oh my God, that's terrible. What's unbelievable is when you... It's so long that the head of it goes down the drain. Oh, I like that.

Down the tube. So you're only seeing it. It's like a iceberg. You're only seeing the top. The body, you're already clogged up the pipe. And then you get a swirl going on a real soft, thin one. You can get a swirl going that keeps snaking. And you think, I don't think I was rotating my pelvis on that,

but that is a perfect curl and it's about, you know, 1,800 degrees of curl. Menchy yogurt type thing. Yes. It's like one of the bonchies. And then on the last, and then when you clip it

and you look down and you broke the water, that's a, that's a celebration. The one I like is the one where I'm sitting there and I got to push it for a couple minutes. And then it feels like I can feel my asshole expanding with a ball constrictor. Yeah.

I could feel actually like going to go. Like you're about to give birth? Woof. Yeah. Yeah. I always got to go like, ugh. And I look down and it's like a fucking, it's like a 22-inch. But in the middle it's got like two little, like it looks like a snake that ain't like a two birds.

It's got like a lump in the front and a lump in the back. Oh my God, those are tremendous. I like the ones that come out clean. Clean. You know, you have to wipe your ass. They call that a white flag, I think. Because on the wipe, you get nothing on it. They go through the intelligence level on the podcast this afternoon.

It's a good thing when I'm running for president. But then if you're, if you're photographing it, that means you've got to take the toilet paper after you wipe and you've got to try to drop it in front of it or behind it so you get a clean shot of the shit. Like what did you do when you sent that picture to Lee? I just took it to go. It's not every day. But where was the toilet paper in the photograph? I don't think I didn't need that. Oh, you two?

What? Sometimes. Sometimes. What? Sometimes it's clean. Sometimes you just wipe it. How do you know? Because you wipe it.

Oh, on the first. wipe, if you get a white sheet, you walk away. No, I wait a couple of minutes, because there's always a, by the way. There's always something. I hate that. There's always something. And then you get in the car and leave some, and your ass

is spicy. Yeah. Like it has a little burn to it. And then you go home and you put toilet paper, there's little pieces of shit in your ass. I always wipe it and then give a few minutes. That's why I have a door in my bathroom to the outside, and I smoke pot. Because when I cough, whatever stuck in there will come out at the same time.

It's when you go, awesome you blah bah bah it starts dropping it that's my event it so if you use it give me credit for don't come on and see it in 10 years smoking marijuana while taking this shit is good for you out and the whole time i had been doing it since fucking i moved into this place you should make like a bathroom bong like they have the squatty potty that helps you should make like a smoking kit for the bathroom right no because every time i smoke that's what i do i get off that plane i put my shit away and i go in that bathroom i open at the back door i can't imagine i always save it nug or the best weed I took.

Yeah. So I don't have to go right to the weed store. There's always weed weight for me on Sunday. Yeah. I fucking blast that off. Boom, the shower. And I'm good for Sunday. I don't do dick on Sunday.

I just can't imagine. I'm trying to picture Joey Diaz. And again, I don't want to picture your ass, but I'm picturing your ass taking a 22-inch dump and followed by one wipe. That frightens me. Sometimes. Sometimes. That's like the fucking.

you know, that's like a ship going down, you send out one life preserver after it. Sometimes I take toilet paper and take a rip of it and put it down first. So when the shit lands, it doesn't splash. Yeah. What?

Yeah, yeah, I do that. That's how much more professional I am. I do that. So you lay a base for it to land on and it doesn't splash? Yeah, you make a nest. Like a little runway. So the plane knows where to land.

Yeah. You pull a little runway, the asshole sees it, it dips it right there. So when you flush, it goes down even easier. You're going to clean the bathroom of you. If you're at somebody's house or a hotel, you're going to... That's right. It's courtesy.

It's a courtesy move. This is a gentleman do. I've never heard of, I've heard of eight thousand shit stories. I've never heard of laying down until it before. That's why the church is here. So you can always learn. See, the church is not about ha-haz-a-haz-a-hiz. We want you to take something home with you that you learn something.

You know, I learned this today on the church. I didn't know that if you put paper down first, it goes down the rabbit a whole lot easier. Just don't... Yeah. It's the lessons that are learned. It's like an after-school special. You always walk away feeling a little moved and a little informed.

I never do that story about you, about college. That's something that stays with you for life. Yeah. You know, I don't drink and dry. I just, I refuse. I barely smoke pot and dry. I don't like drinking and dry. You know why?

When I was 18, I saw an RX7. Fuck, and hit a pole. and I heard the girl yelling inside. Yeah. My boyfriend's dead, get me out. I had the jaws of life, and the fireman was on top of the car cut, and you could see the blood on the windshield,

and I made a mental note. That was PTSD for me. That's like, you know, I didn't look at it from, I haven't really looked at it from that perspective in the last couple weeks. I think because you have an older daughter, you look at it from that perspective,

the shock value, you know, I give thanks every day. I give thanks to the Lord for let me live to be 55. I give thanks to being at this point in my career. But I give thanks for when my mother died that I didn't get taken in by animals. Yeah. Like I could look you in the eye and tell you as a man

that anybody I had contact with in those days, nothing had to do with a sexual thing that fucked with me in my head. Right. I'm very fortunate. I was around legit Americans. You know, that nobody took me into fucking malice. me or do crazy, but I couldn't imagine the afterburner effect of it.

You know, it's like Joe asked me one time, do you ever have a girlfriend that killed herself? I said, well, I know I would kill myself if I sucked my own dick. You know what I'm saying? Like, if I knew I sucked my disgusting dick, I would kill myself, but that's just me being honest. You know? So you're shocked that any girl that sucked your dick is not yet suicidal. No, no, no, I'm just saying that, you wouldn't be surprised. I always

Or they all have a kind of a Even if they seem okay There's like a little bit of a faraway look in their eyes Like there's something they're not quite over yet There's something that they've seen that's They can't unsee Or taste I saw a girl 10 years ago that I had dated for a while

Hot enough You know we would get high And I'll never forget that one night I saw her at the store or something And she goes can you give me right home At that time I had a girlfriend I had no intention I'm banging her she was just drunk

and she was you know she was taunted me to go up stuck she was testing me to see what my loyalties were yeah

and before she got out of the car she looked at me and she goes you know what I've always thought about that I licked your balls and she got out of car and slammed the door

and she goes you know how disgusting that is she would get hammered and suck my dick and lick my balls and she wasn't my fault what do you say to that nothing goodbye good night I guess the night's over I wasn't even looking for a nooky

cookie and nothing she was drunk and she she's fine you're not coming up to have a nightcap and I'm like no I'm going home but you know I don't drink and drive and she's like fine then and then she was getting out she looked at me she goes you know you know what I've always thought about on a daily basis that I looked you're disgusting balls at one time and she slammed the door whatever whatever whatever drives you through life I your pussy too and it wasn't no fucking cream to the crump later, you know what I'm saying? It's not a couple lines in me. I'm eating this fucking yeast

infected fucking thing. I wake up with a fucking roll in my mouth. You know what I'm saying? With a button roll in my mouth. When you're coached up and doing drugs, you don't eat anything. I ate a girl one time that I could see the chlamydia juice. No, stop it. Like it dripped. Oh, Jesus Christ.

It had dried. It had dried. I look at the dune, and I look down, and I see this little like, and like the fuck. Lee Syak's chin after a bong hit. You know, yeah. And he has a nerve to yellow bean, but where are you eat tacos, but you're looking chlamydia juice.

Who gives a fuck? At least you're having a good time. That doesn't sound like a good time to me. Shook tacos and humbus. You got a fly chasing you. I'm surprised you don't have a fly in your neck tonight, you're filthy fuck. He eats that humbus.

He always says a pet fly. This guy's the only guy that's got a pet fly. And he brings everybody. You have pet flies. No, I don't. It's you. Every time I kill when I throw him out. What do you mean?

He's got flies and follow all the time. He's got to fly around his neck all the time. He eats something. When he leaves the door open? No, he doesn't. I leave the fly and the fly will come right and sit on his lap. He's over there pet him like a fucking sir. He's got a service fly.

He's fucking mobile. You got like a little service fly. That's his friend and shit to help him out. This guy shows up at the end, but I got a board first. Me and my service fly. Is it on a leash or? I got service flies. I open that little bathroom I take shits in.

I have all my week. Wait, which bathroom? The bathroom in my house. I have a back bathroom connected to my office. And I can open the door and take a shit in there. And it's funny that I have to. Is that the only place you shit in the house? Yeah, because I'm just cost controversy anywhere else.

The other bathroom is in between Mercy and my wife's room. I'll fuck that bathroom up. Yeah. And the other bathroom is outside of Mercy's door. And it's just too small. like I feel claustrophobic in there I can't move there's too much shit I can't shit with this toys

yeah I'm saying yeah you're right dolls and there's like a little black doll looking at shit it's hard me to take a shit now you want to see you want to see an ace freely bobblehead doll yeah I want my leg loose yeah I like my legs outward

yep I take a leg out of the pants do you oh fuck yeah I want to be loose I don't wipe that you gonna fuck somebody with handcuffs on their legs why would you do that to you I take the shit, I take the legs out of the pants. I open up those two legs like I fucking hold the fort. Wait, what about in public bathrooms?

That too. No fucking way. I don't give a fuck. If you're looking at here, it means you're looking for dick to the people. You know what I'm saying? No, man, you're supposed to be like a catcher. I take the leg out. Then I rip my one ass cheek out and I put it on the toilet seat.

So there's no misunderstanding. So my asshole is in perfect position. It's like when the Koreans are going to send the missile. You know, that thing moves over? Just like that. I'm positioned to open up the fucking thing. And once I sit, I can't get up. Because if you get up, my ass sticks to the toilet seat and my nutsack will go under the toilet thing and I'll sit on it.

You know how many times? Because I don't put my balls in the toilet. I don't do that because I respect women. No, I don't sit all the way back. I put my balls over. I take toilet paper and put on the toilet seat. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just in case my wife, licks my balls. No, I don't want people. Joey, I've never heard of anybody putting their balls in a toilet seat in my life. I'm careless. I don't want my wife to lick a thousand set of balls if she licks my balls. I've been doing this as I was single.

I don't want a woman licking bad balls. So I'll put toilet paper down and put my nut sack on it. But if I get up, like if I get up to flush or something, sometimes the toilet seat sticks to my nutsack, to my leg skin, and my nuts go under the toilet seat. How many times I've crashed, how many times I smashed my nuts under the toilet seat because I've got up for a reason.

Yeah. More than once? Oh. Now I hold them. Now after years, I hold them when I get up to do anything and then I sit back down. Yeah. I have a whole process. So wait, you're at the front of the toilet.

But I'm trying to tell my brother. Oh, I'm sorry. That, instead of taking, you see those containers or weed? Yeah. Those are all new. So instead of throwing them away, what I do is I have these flies that get caught in the bathroom. and they get caught in like a glass and they get all fucking recorded.

You ever see a fly when they were in the glass by the sun? Yeah. They get like their vision is lost. So they start getting close to me. So I take one of those cans and I leave the dust in it from the weed. And I take the fly, I'll hit it.

Like, oh, I'll just capture it. And I'll take like a wing off. And I'll put them in there and I'll close them in there. And I put holes on top of the fucking things so they can breathe. And I just leave them in there. It's like experiment with weed for three or four days.

Just the corners. Dog, get many flies I let out of there. They don't want to go nowhere. Well, they don't have wings anymore. No, they don't have one wing. They can still fly part-time. It's a one-way trip. They can take a lot of lefts.

Oh, my God. You have no idea how much fun I have with those flies. I got like three of them. I got two of them in there now. They've been in there for like two days. Well, fuck it. Would it flies live a week? Let them have a good half of life.

I take a little Starbucks coffee stick. And I take a little piece of shit. And I'll feed it to them just to keep them alive and shit. It's like a weed T-H-C lumber. What do you call those chocolate box? with nuts around them. They give away on Christmas. The little truffles.

So they get like a little weed truffle. They get shit wrapped up with a little weed butt. And they get fucking crazy. He's like Hannibal Lecter feeding the girl in the well. Ask my therapist about this. I don't know what. What is it? Now where do you get the shit?

That's not your shit. No, I borrow it from the guy next door. Yeah, it's my shit. I go next door and knock on this door. You take a shit yet. Let me fucking scoop some up and feed it to my fetish water. So you've got a stick and you take a shit and you didn't take that test yet when you're 50, when you take a little piece of your shit and mailing in.

Have it not to feed a fly. You take that. That's why don't we use those Starbucks sticks. You ever got to Starbucks and have those wooden sticks? That's the same ones you use to cut the shit and send it to the doctor's office. Why don't you just use your cat shit? You have cats? Because that's not fair.

They don't want cat shit. They want good human shit. It's like giving them, this is grass-fed, refa. This is free. range jelly i'm eating chicken from kansas city that's been kicked in a cage i take care my flies you know i'm saying i want my flies to have the best marriage they got to be strong they got to be yeah and then i got to meet weed for two days there was like three flies i turned over the shit was gone there was little t-hc dust left they just lived on my counter for like four days i went away i came back there was

one left i don't know what happened to the two other ones what if the four I just talk about you now. They're like, you should go in that guy's house. Yeah. He shows you a good time. He's got good shit. I don't give a fuck.

That's what I wanted to. I wanted to get the word out. Or don't go there. The main thing is to tell their friends, don't go in there. The guy's fucking medieval. He put me in a fucking, he was like the black guy

from Pulp Fiction. He got four hard cracking pipe motherfuckers to come over here and go medieval on your ass. And I always take one of their wings off. I always take one of their wings off. Just let him know the bosses. And then I got to wash my hands 18 times because of the disgusting flash.

They're born out of shit. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's nasty. Yeah, we used to have cockroaches in college, freshman year, the dorm rooms, because all the kids were drinking beer, and we wanted to get the five cents back. So you'd keep, you have three cases of beer cans or bottles in your room, you know, stashed under your desk, under the bed. And the cockroaches would come. And that's like a superfood for a cockroach.

They love that shit. And so there was so many on the dresser, I would take a cup from the cafeteria, a clear, a clear cup, and I'd put the roaches underneath it. I'd catch them, throw it under, and it would be like a death match. So it'd be like eight or ten cockroaches, and they would start eating each other after a while. And they would lock off, and then one would die and they'd all eat the body. Then another one would die and they'd attack each other. And that was entertainment for us for a year. How would you catch the roaches again?

You just grab them and then you slide them under the cup. Oh, so you put the cup over them? Yeah. And then you just put them into the jar. Yeah. How big were the roaches? What a bug. No, not water bug big.

You know, like I would say half the size of your pinky. I don't know what it is. Since I was a kid, I've hated flies. I fucking hate flies. I've been killing flies for 55 fucking years. I hate flies. I'm good at it, too. I got quick hands with flies.

I can catch the big ones. The small ones are tough. I can catch him or kill them. I know how to, I know how to de-able them. I kind of like fuck them up a little bit. Yeah. Just to just clap them and they're still alive. Because if you smack them, the shit comes out of the back and they're dead.

Then they don't live. You've got to be able just to smack them and I know exactly how to do it. I fucking hate flies, man. Well, you know, the key is they say to come up directly behind them. They can't see behind them. So when they're sitting on the counter, take your hand flat. and just move it slowly. And you can literally get,

you can get within an inch of that fly. And then once you're there, a piece of cake. Yeah, but they sense, they have sensors. They sense movement. Movement. So you've got to move so slow they don't notice you coming up.

And then once you're there, you just, you don't even have to move your hand that fast. Just close it as you move in their direction. You got it. And then I slam it on the ground until they get dizzy. And then I pick them up and take them outside. I throw on that out on. I don't know if a lot of people,

especially from the church, you haven't been on a while. You've been writing for the last couple of years. Yeah. You went back to a non-a-fucking regular show, but a hit show crashing. Crashing. Two seasons? Yeah, last day.

It's been on for three. I did the second and the third season. And, you know, but I've been right ever since my son was born. So, like, 16 years, I've been writing on shows almost every year. Like, I usually, I get my, I get a job. I make sure I make enough where I get my health coverage for the year so I can go talk to a shrink so I can get some shots in my ass, whatever I need. It's taking care.

by the writer's guilt. She's got to make sure I work a certain amount of months, and every year I get it. But these past two years have been much more full-time. You know, like this show is like we work a couple months in L.A. And then we go to New York for like three and a half months. So in L.A. you do the beginning of the writing. Yeah, we write the scripts.

We pitch the ideas. You know, it's a lot of comics. And we sit in a room. Ian Edwards has been a part of it the last couple years. And Jamie Lee and, you know, Pete Holmes. And so we sit in a room, we all just tell road stories. Just like, what's the most twisted shit that happened to you on the road?

But, you know, waitress that you hooked up with at the back of the condo or a club owner that fucked you over, and you just tell these stories. And then they get put on cards up on the wall, and then later on we're trying to figure out episodes, and we pull from those. And it's really weird because you see like, like this past season, there was a story right out of my act

that we ended up shooting, not on my act, out of my life, something had happened to me on the road. And I pitched it out. All of a sudden, you know, you're shooting it with actors, and you're like, this is fucking trippy, you know? And, but I think it's, uh, it's the best way to write for me is like just stories.

It's tough to sit in a room and, uh, I've written on shows where the characters are prefabbed. It's like those houses you buy and then they move them to the site and they plop them down. That's what the scripts feel like. Like this is what the network likes. They want, uh, they want four characters, workplace, you know, these two are dating. And it's so many rules that by the time you write the script,

there's no creativity left. And with a show like this, it all starts from just stories. And so you sit around, you tell a good story, and then you don't have to stop down. The thing about HBO or Amazon or Netflix is you don't, first of all, you can curse, you can show sex, whatever. Second of all, you don't get notes from the network. HBO does not send notes.

We shoot the show. you know, if we get notes, it's minimal. Very minimal. And they say, we trust you. It's Jedd-A-Patow. Do your thing. And then at the end of it, lock up, give us the keys.

We'll let you know if you can do another season. That's it. And then we also don't have commercial breaks. So one of the things about sitcoms that's so hard is that there's two commercial breaks. So you've got to have two cliffhangers in every episode. You've got to have twice where you've got the audience where he's like, We got to give them something that they're going to sit through a fucking a Matthew McConaughey ad for a car and a watch commercial and a Mr. Clean commercial. And so it falsely puts things into the story that build up the stakes.

So you've got to deal with that. So if you're not dealing with that dynamic or notes from the network, then you can actually write stories that flow. I like the show. When I first watched it the first season, it took a couple episodes for me to fall in love with it. Because it brought me back to my open mic in 93. Right. When I was walking around New York, there was no barking yet. There was no barking, but you still had to sell tickets for people to come to your show.

Yeah. So they would like, what was his name, Lucifer over at the comic strip. Would give you 20 tickets to sell for 40 bucks and you kept 20 and you gave them 20. They never got that 20 from me. I just sold the tickets and kept the money. Right, right. And depending on how many tickets you sold, you sold, get stage time like that was my thing you know you guys did an episode where he started dating a girl

and they went to knacker right and she did well and he didn't and that's the or he did well and she did well and she didn't yeah and it was the it was a great episode for me because it was like that's why you don't date a comic yeah like these are the lessons where you don't date a comic you know you have them do a warm-up work which it just took the comic through different levels for a guy like me I enjoy it watch it every Sunday when it came on. Because we do the podcast at 8, so we get the show at like 6 or 630 in California. Yeah, I like the one on Showtime too. Believe it or not, I like them both.

I'm dying up here. Yeah, I like them both. You know, they're not. Well, one's a drama and one's a comedy, so they're different enough, you know. And I think the tone is very different with their show. I think there's a lot more stakes about success. Whereas with Pete, it's as much about his journey as a person, leaving the Christian faith and getting exposed to kind of this dark this darker world and his transition out of that

and having relationships for the first time. So I think in this past season it's probably more about career than the other ones were because he was still getting his footing, I think personally in the first two seasons. It's a weird place to be where Pete is on that show. Yeah. It's a weird place to be as a comic. You're in the middle of that world, you know, and you have to have the certain humblest to you. You have to, you know, keep your mouth shut, keep your ears open, you know. You guys had them going from couch to couch for a while.

The funny thing is the him and Artie perspective. Yeah. Which I always thought Ardy should have been a lot bigger with him and scare him. Like, when I first started comedy, I had a guy named Rick Curran, so I love Dealing. I still speak to Rick. He's a writer also.

He rides for Ron White. And my first couple experiences on the road with him were just like, I don't think I can handle this. Like, I don't think I'm going to, what are you talking about? Like the first time I, he goes, I beat my house at four to pick me up, pick you up. And I got there and he's like, all right, park you car, O'V, we're taking my truck. You're driving. I can't drive. I got three DUIs.

And then the first stop is at the liquor store. And he goes in, he comes out, and he takes out half a Gatorade. It puts the whole thing of vodka in there. And then we had to stop at his Coke dealer's house. And he came out of the car. You know, it's 40 afternoon. He's like, all right, get on the interstate. And you're learning about his car.

And he's scaring the shit out of me. The more, you know, you want a sip of this. And not only is he drinking the vodka and whatever, but he's drinking. And I'm not talking about Rick Kerns in particular. I'm talking about when I first started, I would work with other comics that while they were drinking, they had a bottle and they were drinking that.

they were doing drugs. They'd stop to gamble. And I'm like, is this what I want to be? Yeah. I worked with a guy that killed himself a couple of years. In 2000, he hung himself at the lap stop. Oh, yeah? You remember that guy?

They said the guy was really, really was going to be a star. But the drugs, he got deals. He was a star. I met him. Oh, I know who you're talking about. I met him at 93. And people were like, bro, that dude's a badass comic drugs. and shit just fucked them up.

And I'll never forget, that was the situation. He took a bus in from Denver, and I picked them up somewhere in Boulder. And from the minute he got in the car, I was like, all right, let's go for booze. And I'm like, what are you talking about? We're professionals. What are you talking about?

You want to be a comic, or you want to be a pussy kid? And next thing you know, we're at a fucking drug house in Longmont, Colorado, at a park buying, like, coke from fucking people who don't speak English and shit. And they were his friends,

and the next thing, you know, we're driving to Fort. Collins and the next morning I had to get back he called me at eight in the morning to drive an hour to or to a horse track he was a degenerate horse guy and I mean eight in the morning he's already doing blow and drinking pop and pills and telling me kid if you want to make it in this business you better take a fucking pill you know and I'm like wow okay all that shit is what I wanted to see like from Ardy and him yeah already because people like that don't really know I didn't know that the show is basically him being taken out of his Christian based and becoming a comic.

Yeah. Now it makes more sense to me. Yeah, that's a big part of it. And that's hard. That's hard. You know, when you have to take somebody away from their basic fundamentals. Like,

for me, once I read Lenny Bruce, I knew this wasn't going to be a, uh, ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce, when he lived at the Chelsea Hotel, uh,

heroin. When I read that, I knew what I was getting myself into. Yeah. I'm like, okay, I'm going to prepare myself. But I wanted to, the viewer at home,

there's some fucking crazy comics out there. Yeah. That, you know, they did that show on A&E about the dark side of comedy. And they didn't come close. Now, I remember when I started out,

I was a, I was an MC. Back then, like, I came out of Boston, you know, with Joe where we didn't go on the road. We had New England. So we went to New Hampshire one night.

The next night we'd go down to East Providence, Rhode Island. Next night you're in Maine. And never a hotel. Never a hotel. You drive three, four hours to get to a gig sometimes. They'd give you a check that may or may not bounce because it's from out of state.

You get back in the car, you drive through or four hours home again. And I remember I finally said, I want to go on the road. I want to go outside of this, see if I can do stuff around the country. So I get hooked up with this gig. I drive down, me and Tom Cotter, you know, Tom Cotter? Absolutely. We get in his car together and we decide to drive down the East Coast from Boston down to Florida. and we're going to stop in every club on the way,

and we're going to do five minutes set. We're going to try to get into that club. So we spent like a week and a half, two weeks, driving down the coast. And I remember we did one room, I think it was Charlotte, North Carolina. And the guy booked a bunch of rooms, the comedy zone is out of there.

Absolutely. What year is this? This is 91, 92, 93, somewhere around there. So you just got in the car, a la Mitch Hedberg, when he did it with Chard Hogan. Right.

Just got in the car. Well, back then there was this book that came out once a year and it was called the comedy something it was a directory of every comedy club in the country and who booked it and their

address so you'd send your tape out you'd make your half inch VCR tapes you'd spend all your fucking money making 200 of these tapes you spend all this money mailing them around the country and then there's no answer machines so you know no email so you're calling

you're calling these bookers meanwhile you got 500 other comics all called the book from St. Louis. And they got a stack of VHS's next their next to their desk. So we said fuck it, let's cut to the chase. We'll go there, we'll get a five minutes set, we'll be in their face, we'll get some gigs. So sure

enough, we get some gigs out of this guy from North Carolina. Ron Denunzio, maybe with a guy named? So they send me down, my first date is three weeks and it's going to be Jacksonville, Florida, the Bahamas, and then somewhere else in Florida. I can't

remember, but, but my job is I got to pick up this degenerate headliner first. I got to take him to Jacksonville. And then this guy had all these marching orders because he lived, he did, he did so much coke and did so much gambling that he lived off his t-shirts after the show. He had t-shirts that had nothing to do with his act. It wasn't like a catchphrase from his act, nothing. It was just like, it would just be like a, uh, uh, a t-shirt that said like, fuck that bitch. And he'd have stacks of them, suitcases full of these. And it was down south and so all these Reddex went to line up after the show. And they'd pull out their cash and he would just have his pocket stuffed with $20 bills at the end of the night.

And then he'd go by blow and then he'd go to the casino. I remember in the Bahamas every night they would send me out. I was the MC. And so I would bring up the feature act. And sure enough, this guy, I'm not going to mention his name because he's still out there. And they'd say, go find him. And I'd have to go find this guy. And it was in the Bahamas and they had a casino.

with the club. So I'd be running around fucking the craps tables to the slot machines everywhere looking for this short guy. He was about 5 foot four and he wore these glittery blazers

like real cheesy, double-breasted cruise ship with the black polyester pants with the crease down the front and fancy shoes, shiny, fucking alligator skin shoes and the hair.

He looked like a magician. That hair was like feathered back on the sides with the heart. part and I'd go looking for this guy and I'd have to drag come on man you're on and fucking five every night that feature act instead of doing 25 this guy was doing 30 35 40 minutes waiting for me to find this guy and drag him back to the show him because he was coaked up and gambling and he'd come back and he do his show and he was a pro but he had this act you could tell

he'd been doing the same act for 20 years word for word he just mailed it in he got up there hit play and he was a showman you know bigger than life played of the back of the room, little crowd work, same crowdwork every time. Sir, where are you from? Oh, I didn't know they, I didn't know they made blank. And then after the show, sell his shit and then right back to the tables. And on Saturday night, three shows on a Saturday night, all three shows, tracking this motherfucker down and trying to get him on stage so that feature I could stop sucking his own

dick out there. Burning material he didn't have. Stealing by the end, doing anything to just keep stretching it out until this guy got there. That was the hardest thing. the beginning was meeting headliners that were worst people and I was at the time. Yeah. Like, I was a fucking criminal. These guys.

Yeah, but you knew what you wanted to do. These guys had wives and they were cheating. Yeah, right. Just, it was just, it was like two or three years of meeting these type. In those D rooms, that's what you meet. Right. In those triple rooms and all those other fucking little rooms, you don't meet, you know, Joe Rogan's not going to go in there. You know, Fitzsimmons is not going to play those rooms.

It's a fucking D room, you know? You work with the bottom of the barrel, and you're like, and they borrow money from you? They try to borrow money from you to the game. I mean, it's fucking crazy. So you're thinking, do I even want to fucking do this shit? Yeah. So that's what I thought the Arty character.

But the Arty character has been good to him. The Arty character has been very, very good to it, which is what you need to do to those guys. You can tell you don't want to. Like, I was watching the training day the other day, and he makes Ethan Hawk get high in the car. He makes him smoke angel dust. Then he fucks him and shit.

That's evil stuff. Yeah. But that's part of it. That's part of the fucking thing. You got to, you know, we want you to know what you have. I think for a lot of guests coming in here,

I think it's like Training Day. I think you're Denzel Washington. And you get people, you get people some fucking, some gummy bears in them, some chibichos. No more. That's it. And two or three hours later,

they come walking out of the parking lot. Like, what the fuck just happened to me? It's so weird how my life is that I go through phases and stuff. The edibles I loved because they really got me high and they calm me down. But it also came with a price of a fucking bad appetite. And it was doing something to me. And like February, I started getting these. First of all, I couldn't eat half the shit anymore.

That gummy stuff has to be bad for you. You mean it's too strong? Or you just mean the ingredients? One of them that we ate was on a list, like something that caused cancer. Oh, really? Yeah, cushy, cushy. So something happened to me at one point that I was like, I got to stop eating. Something was going on, so I had to eliminate stuff from my diet.

But you were eating that shit every day, right? I would blast 250 milligrams. I got 11 in the morning and be high, like, for a little while. What's a normal amount? like 20? Yeah. And then come in here. That's a lot for some people.

And then we come in here and do 2,000 milligrams. And let me tell you some, there's podcasts I listen to and I love you guys. I love that you supported us over the years. But there's podcasts that I would not listen to that. We were just so fucking up. You know, somebody posted the Theo Vonne Mushroom podcast today. I listened to that podcast for 10 minutes. That was crazy.

It was like our most popular episode. Wait, you guys took mushrooms and you sat in here and did a Oh, multiple times. Multiple times. One time we took acid with Ralphie. A couple times, yeah. One time we took acid with Eddie Bravo and Ari, and Ari took his shirt off and everything.

It was fucking great. It was great to do a pot. You know, all these things are great, but you got to move on. Yeah. You got to move on. Yeah. And this isn't comedy.

This isn't whatever you do, you evolve. And I find now that the podcasts are a lot more entertaining that we're not doing the fucking edibles. I don't need the edibles no more. Like, I liked it. At the beginning is like a catch thing to let people know that we're high and stuff. Now I'd rather get the fucking conversation on the people. You listen to some of those podcasts and didn't.

And it wasn't us. It was the guests. Some of the guests would get blasted. And they'd come in here trying to talk about something and they'd be lost. The last Wheeler Walker podcast, he couldn't even talk. He couldn't even just sit there with a beard. And then the next day he's like, you can't put it up. No, we're not going to put it up.

because it was just There's nothing to put up There's nothing to put up So you evolve in your life If you don't evolve in your life You're gonna fucking die anyway You know I want to switch it up So you're not doing acid or mushrooms anymore either

And I got everything I just got a whole new batch of The shrooms I got liquid acid I got tabs I got some new window paint That they say is brilliant And you're not going to use any of it

Maybe this weekend in Boston It's Lee's first weekend of MC. Oh, yeah. No shit. He's bringing me to a big place. Wow. Wilburne.

You're going to have a blast. But I can't just... He's got to pay his dues a little bit. I just can't. So I'm going to have to make him carry luggage this week and run to the store and get milk when that's the wrong milk and smack him. That's right.

Treat him like an MC a little bit just so he doesn't... Make him get your Gatorade and your vodka. Sure. He doesn't even drink. I don't even drink, but that week here we have a fucking mission. Well, he knows. I already got some formaldehyne. I'm going to dip a joint in.

His mother's coming to the first show on Saturday. So I'll be good. I'll keep him legit. Yeah. But after the mother's out of the building, it's all over. Oh, that's right. You're a Boston guy. Yeah.

That's going great. We're rolling five joints per show this weekend. We're going deep. Oh, that's great. That's great. It's, like, I've had to learn. Like, the first time, no, it was the second time I did the store. I walk in, he gives me 10 edibles.

And then he says, oh, yeah, Chappelle's going. up and doing 30 in front of you and lets me sit in that and sweat for like 20 minutes, like 30 minutes thinking I was going to have to go up after Chappelle. I had everybody tell them that Chappelle's coming in. Just sit tight and watch them do it. That's a be the common news. That's great. Listen, if I tell you I'm putting 400 pounds on the bar and tell you to lift it, you're not

going to lift it. You're going to say, I can't do it. It's after you do it that you go, what the fuck was that? I know, that was three and a quarter. You're going to go, damn. You know, the same is with stand. when you go give me a light at 18. Fuck him.

Yeah. Fuck him. I've been worried about that. 18 my ass. And you get up there, you know you've done 18. You've done all your jokes. You're like, he hasn't given me a light. Something's not right.

Yeah. And you're like, you're looking at me and I'm like, uh-huh. So that's what I'm worried about. Like what I'm getting nervous. Like, what if I don't see the light? And then I just get off thinking I missed it. And then you're like, no, I didn't give you the light yet.

Set your timer to vibrate on your phone, put it in your phone. pocket. What about when they give you the light and you get off? And I tell you, you shouldn't have gotten off that you didn't get the light. Because I'll fuck with you. Yeah. You can't pay you.

You didn't do your time. Dude, I had a beef with a comic in LA. You won't get paid for that show. This guy was on. I had a show at one club. And then I had another spot at another club. And it was tight. I had to get on and off.

And this guy's going on ahead of me. And he, you know, he's an okay comic, but he's going on and on. He gets the light, gets the light again. And then he's got the ball sit on the stool and go, what else? Let's see, what else should we talk about? And I'm standing there missing my next set. So I go up to the light and I just start flicking it. Me, not the manager, I'm flicking it, up and down.

And he gets all pissed off. Comes off stage. We got words. We're fucking screaming each other in front of the whole club. We're just talking about it at the end day. I see a light. I wrap it up. Oh, yeah.

I'm good for one minute after I see the light. Respect for other colleagues. That's it. It's a huge of my world. It always has been. Right. When I see a comic running a light on purpose, you're telling me you don't give a fuck about none of us

that you're not part of our army. Yeah. So that's good that I know that now. I know that you're a selfish motherfucker. You know? Yeah. I see a light. I get the fuck out.

I can't wait to see that light. You don't got to light me twice. Yeah. Not at all. No. Once. One time when I was doing Xanax in Beaumont, the light didn't mean nothing.

I just laid down and took a nap. Yeah. They were lighted me. I can't see the fucking. late. Well, the problem is, is a lot of times you got comics that are used to headlining on the road. So they're doing, the club owner says, do what you want. Do 45, do an hour and a half. You're not an hour and a half, but, you know, if you want to do an hour and 15, they're fine with it. And then all of a sudden, you're told to do 12 or 15 minutes.

Well, you're not headlining tonight. You're doing 12 to 15 minutes. That's it. That's your job. And like you said, there's other people. You're disrespecting everybody else on the show and you don't do that. Guess what? No excuse for me. Right. I don't care if you're used to doing two hours in that. Yeah. Don't call the story. You're not going to get a story. off in 19th. You're going on the road soon. That's the one thing I like about you. Yeah.

That we're a lot alike in the same way. We like to give the road a break. Yeah. It's not our bread and butter. Like, I think the road is a slow killer in a lot of ways. I think it's helpful at times. But then it becomes a time which the law diminishing returns. So you and I have families.

We like to stay at home. Well, yeah, you want to make sure that when you go out, it's exciting to you and that it's not a burden. because then you're going to have better shows. I go out there. I'm in town. I try a bunch of new shit. It's wind sprints.

That's what your sets are in town. You're doing wind sprints. And then you go out on the road and you get to step those bits out a little bit. You get to, you know, feel what it's like to control a crowd for an hour, you know, and build it, close, strong, all that shit. You don't really worry about in town.

You know, you work in town. You could spend three, four, five minutes of your 15 adjusting to the animal that went on ahead of you before you even get into your new shit. And then you've got to close with something strong. So that leaves you three or four minutes in the middle to try new shit out. Now you go do an hour, you can fuck around. Have some fun.

The crowd loves it. They love that you're experimenting a little bit. So yeah, I got some day. You want me to read my dates? Yeah. All right, shit. I want these guys to go see you. All right.

Mohican sun in Connecticut October 4th through the 6th. And then I'm coming out to Niagara Falls, the Canada side. The comedy corner, October 11 through 13. And then Provid. It's Providence, Rhode Island, October 19 and 20, In-N-Out, Comedy Connection, doing that. And then a bunch of other dates after that. San Francisco Punchline in November.

How long is this tour for you? Grand Rapids, Michigan, Portland, Oregon, all through the fall. And then Christmas, when do you stop? I don't stop. I'll be in Nyack, New York, December 28th through the 30th. Oh, boy. 31st, I'm up in Portland. You're doing New Year's?

Yeah. You are doing New Year's. I'm not going to leave that money on the table. I don't drink. But do I care? I'm not doing New Year's. I'm doing Levity Live December 20th. Yeah, I'm doing that.

Oh, so you're coming? Oh, the Levit Live. I love that room, by the way. Nyack is one of my favorite fucking room. Great pizza. Yeah. The pizza place in town is phenomenal. Good people.

Chinese food delivers the hotel. Fucking phenomenal. The barbecue spot that they take you to his phenomenal. I used to go to Nyack as a kid because they'd serve you if you were eight. Oh, is that right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're from North Perrigan. You're from Northern New Jersey. You just got on that 9W. Yeah. And go up to Nyack.

I don't give a fuck how old are. You're seven? Fuck it. That's a hot wheel. They got a valet for your hot wheel. Park it over there and shit. Greg, I got to be honest with you. The reason why we have so much fun with it, we do in your show. My show is the love and respect. Absolutely.

I have for you. You're one of the funniest guys the business you're loose there's never any drama and you're always welcome here thanks brother i appreciate that whatever talk about shit yeah or talk about enlightening what you did today that was yeah you know i look at my daughter every night sometimes i go in there and i dry her off but i always ask her anything happened at school till i should know about somebody touch you weird or something like that yeah she's five and she must look at me going what the fuck is he talking about yeah right like i can't leave the house so she gets out of the shower. Yeah.

Because sometimes my wife are coming and go, she wants you to dry her off. Yeah. And put her pajamas on. She wants to talk to you. And I'll go in there while I'm dressing it. I'll never touch her or whatever. I'll towel her down.

Yeah. And then I throw her in the towel. I go, dry your little monkey off and you're muffle. And she'll dry. It's not my monkey daddy. Whatever it is. Just dry. They're out.

What are you bothering me for? I don't want to touch your fucking shit. I don't want to be that fucking dad, right? I brush your hair Who knows? You could be running for Supreme Court Justice one day You know what that shit comes back

I love brushing a hair That's nice That's nice I love brushing a hair Is the best thing of the world Yeah It's so weird how I'm happy

That I've taken this plan And half of it I stole from you Because you We spoke about it At the other Spot about how important What it was for you

To raise your daughter And your son You know Like to be a part of their life you look at these kids from comics and they're lost they're lost and their daddy's probably left them a million dollars and that's

great but they didn't leave them the thing that these kids really needed you know like I sit there sometimes at karate class and I'm like why am I here for a fucking hour and from here we got to go to the wine swim crab out yeah

you're like why am I here and it's because this is it yeah this is what most people give a hand for If Ralphie could walk out of the grave right now, he would do this. Yeah. Go fuck the road on a Wednesday. Yeah. I'm going to karate classes.

So thank you for making me a better parent. Oh, thanks, man. Making me aware of that. Because I was a little lost when I first met our agent, you know, a mutual agent. Yeah. And, you know, I just went on the road every week. But I realized something was missing. Yeah.

And you told me what it was. You have to be a dad and stay at home and fuck the road. It's not about the money. If I wanted money, I could have sold Coke. Right. I made millions of dollars. Yeah. So thank you for my dad.

That's nice you to say. I'm a good dad. Yeah. I'll be in Boston. It's sold out. Here we go. The other one is sold out. But Florida, I'm coming down.

And I'm only coming for one fucking week to one place. And that's West Palm Beach. So if you don't get your roller skates and your cape on, you're missing me. West Palm, October 11th to the 13th. And then I'm in Cleveland, the 25th. to the 27th. I want to thank my man Greg Fitzsimmons for coming on. I love that guy with all my heart. All of respect. If you listen to his podcast in the show, you know the guy's the real deal. I want to thank you guys for listening. And number two, I want to thank my family over my bookie.

Okay, listen, it's betting season. You and I both know it. You took a bath last week with New England. You're fucking losing. Your fantasy, you can't pick a winner. It's all going to change because Uncle Joe's going to direct you to the right place. My bookie is as important as anything else because it's not what you're betting on is who you're betting with. That's why I tell you people to go to my bookie. They're the only service I recommend to the church family. You know why? Because they're good to me. I'm urging you to make your way to my bookie.

Again, you win and they pay you. They got in-game live betting over and unders on fantasy points scored and the most rewarding player perks in the motherfucking business. Now, my bookie is slammed with new bettas all day. So they want to give you everyone the best service possible, especially the church family. So if you're willing to deposit after 7 p.m. Eastern, that's 4 o'clock Pacific. That's 5 o'clock Colorado and so forth and so on.

They'll give you an additional $25 free play on deposits over a yardstick. That's $100. Do you understand what I just said to you? So join down, and my bookie will match your deposit. Dollar for dollar. Use promo code church to activate the offer. Now you visit my bookie online today. It's my bookie.

M-Y-B-O-O-K-E. And don't forget to use promo code church. Enter promo code when creating your account and you claim up to $1,000 in free play. So if you're holding out until after 4 o'clock today or after 7, you get an extra $25 free play on using promo code. There's a tremendous game tomorrow night. You got the motherfucking Rams playing the Minnesota Vy Queens.

on a fucking Thursday night. Who's better than you guys? Right now, if you're willing to hold out those seven, you're going to enter an extra $25 free play by using promo code church. All right, it's up to you guys. But I'd wait until after dinner to make the extra money. My bookie, you play, you win, you get paid.

Speaking of money, you don't mean, guys. I don't, we're family here. We talk to each other the right way. Robin Hood, I love this. I got the app down on my phone. It's an investment app. you buy and sell stocks, E. F, ETFS's, options, cryptos, here's the beauty, all commission-free. They strive to make financial services work for everyone, not just the wealthy people, right?

Guys like you and me. Values of Robin Hood app, are you ready? Other brokerages, they charge up to $10 per every trade, but Robinhood doesn't charge a commission on fees, trade stocks, that means you keep all your profits. It's easy to understand charts with market data. You place a trade, just four taps on your smartphone, and the Robin Hood web platform also lets you view stock collections. The most hundred popular sectors like entertainment and social media and curated categories like female CEOs and analyst ratings of buy, hold, and sell at every stock.

You learn how to invest as you build your portfolio. Discover new stocks and track favorite companies with personalized newsfees. feeds. That's custom notifications for price movement, so you know what? You never miss the right move to invest. Who's better than Robin Hood? Nobody. So I'm going to do this for you. Robin Hood's going to give the church family a free stock like Apple Ford or Sprint to help build your portfolio. You sign up at church.robinhood.com. Again, that's church.robinhood.com. And they're going to give you a free stock. Apple Ford Sprint, something like that to get the party started. Who else does that for you?

Uncle Joey. So I want to thank my bookie, and I want to thank Robin Hood for reaching out to the church family for always hooking this up. I want to thank Greg. I want to thank fucking Daniel and O'Neill. I want to thank Danish and O'Neill,

whatever the fucking names are. I want to thank the Christkiller. But most importantly, I want to thank the church family for listening and for support. Without you guys, we'd have a gotts. I'll either see you in Boston or October 11th to the 13th in Motherfucking West Palm

or the 25th of our kids. October to the 27th, pre-Hlloween weekend, bring the fucking fireworks, acid, bazookas. We're going deep at hilarities. Beside that, I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you for burying me, and thank you for having my back all the time. Have a great weekend. Stay black, stay healthy, and we'll see you Monday morning, tip-top Magoo.

Kick this fucking mulee.