The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #623 - Bonnie McFarlane

Episode Date: October 3, 2018

Bonnie McFarlane, a stand up comedian seen on "Last Comic Standing" and heard as the co-host of the "My Wife Hates me" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:     MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Deposit after 7pm EST and they will give you another $25 in free play.   Onnit.com - Use promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.

Greetings. It's Wednesday, October 3rd. The Church of What's Happened now is brought to you by, Onit. For all your supplemental needs, Anit is there for you. You understand me from the Alpha Brain, the Shroom Tech Immune and the Shroom Tech Sport. Those are my favorite things that they have. I also love the Mexican chocolate protein. Give out of the try. Go to Onit.com right now and press in. Church. And there you have it. 10% off, delivered right to your house. Got to talk to you about something else. This is M.MA weekend. Connor McGregor steps into the octagon. Saturday night in his first fight in two years, you can bet on things like whether he'll win straight up or whether Kabe will deliver the first round K-O. My bookie is going to take action on this this weekend,

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That's promo code shirts. C-H-U-R-C-H. You play, you win, you get paid. Kick this fucking meal, Lee. Oh shit. It's Wednesday. Out of that nuts act. It's going to be a good one.

Kick it, Lee. Kick it, kick it, kick it, kick it. I can't hear shit. There you go. A little fucking black Betty. What are you nuts or what? fucking Betty on the church of what's happening now. Bonnie McFarlane, the Christ killer,

and Uncle Joey coming at you, cop-sucker. Cigily, oh shit. Here we go. There you go. What the fuck is up, Bonnie McFarland? It's good to be here. It's great to have you. I never come to L.A.

Now, when I called you yesterday, you were in Hoboken. What the fuck were you doing in Hoboken? There is a, I say Hoboken, which is wrong, but I feel like it sounds better than Hoboken. But, yeah, so there's some kind of. comedy festival there. Really? Yeah, it's not great.

You know, Rich did a show last night, I went with him so that I could spend some time with him, you know, and because he'd just gotten back from Ohio, and then I was leaving today this morning for L.A., so we didn't have much time to spend together. So I went with him to his show, and they had a porn star on the show. It was porn stars and comics, and so they had this porn star on the show. I don't know who, a star, I don't know, this seems unlikely. but she did comedy for the first time. And I was thinking, what kind of appeal is that?

Like, who, like, isn't that the last thing you want is to your porn star talking? Like, you know what I mean? Don't you fast forward through that part? You know, you just want to get to the cock sucking or whatever it is, don't you? At least you're honest about it. Fuck it. I mean, who, like. No, you don't want to see that.

You don't want to. How is that bringing people into it, to, to, does it? Oh, I got. to go see this porn star speak. That's like the last thing people want. It is because I got lumped into that for a long time. Like when I first got here, people would have strippers and comics. I was telling Lee, right on Santa Monica Boulevard across from this place that when I first got

here, we go over there next to a 7-11 across from the Strasbourg Theater or whatever. It's like an acting thing on Fairfax. Yeah, yeah. Across from there was like a place, 5340. and on Thursday nights they did comedy and burles but topless at the end. She would take a top off

and the chick that hosted it was a porn star and it was god awful. But she had 400 people would show up on fucking Thursday. But why? To listen to her? To watch her. Just because she'd show her boobs at the end? Wouldn't it be more comfortable to sit at home and just Google it up? She would just be with a fucking

banging dress on and looking like a lady the rest of the girls who went up would do like a burlesque type thing. And at the end, they would take their shirts off. They didn't have a license, so they had to put pasties on the nipples. And I never saw the magic of that in comedy. What's the appeal there? But you take the 50 bucks and you pay rent the barlow. No, no, agreed.

I mean, listen, they have it in L.A. too. Or in New York, there's this friend of mine, Karen Feehan, does a burlesque show where you go and you do stand-up, and then there's burlesque dancers in between. It's like, great. I'll go do it. I'll do stand up anywhere anytime, but I don't get it. At the three or four-year level I was doing comedy, a strip club opened in Denver.

When the casino's open, a strip club opened to compete with shotgun willies, the biggest strip club in Denver, and they did comedy on Monday nights. And I would go down there just because I read that Lenny Bruce book, and he used to do comedy with strippers. But I remember getting off stage and going, nobody wants to see me. Right.

Well, that situation is the opposite. You know, is like, you want to see strippers if they're stripping, but you don't want to see strippers if they're trying to do stand-up. You know what I mean? You don't want to see, I don't know. Listen, I don't want to see strippers mixed with comedy and no fucking thing. I think I'd rather go to a comedy club and see strippers than go to a strip club and see comedians. Can you imagine, like, if you and I went out and they're expecting to see naked girls? It's just, it's the same thing as when you go to a restaurant and you don't know there's comedy.

there and then people get up and stir. If you ever had to do stand up in a restaurant it's the worst. It's so humiliating. And people are eating? Then they get mad and they leave and they're like, you know. You always thank the stars. You don't thank the stars while it's happening.

You just say how fucking rude. But when I started comedy, it was attached to a steak night. What do you mean? It was 1595 for steak night and comedy night. Oh. Or prime rib night or something.

You gave you a baked potato or prime rib and a little fucking piece of corn and a comedy ticket 1595. So when the host went up, they were biting and eating. So they were eating at the same time. Yeah, they were eating. So everybody's eating. Nobody's laughing. It's actually steak. It's like you can't do anything else.

You literally can't do anything else but chew. But I also felt bad for the feet track because the feet track was going through it too. They would be getting dessert. Right. This place gave you a shrimp bowl. You know, they gave you a fucking shrimp bowl. That's a pretty good deal, I think. Right off the bat, they gave you a shrimp bowl, unlimited fucking peel and each shrimp,

which is just disgusting when you think about it. They're getting from like some country. Yeah, who knows? Yeah, they're getting tons of the shrimp. And you go in there thinking, you're Johnny bananas, you're dipping the shrimp, and later on you go home if you have a stomach ache for three days. I can't imagine that the waitresses or the servers are being quiet either during your show, right? No, it was a nightmare.

It was just a nightmare. Looking back at it now, like, it made me to kind of. who I am today, but then I would go home feeling fucking defeated. You know, I still do these shows. I go, you know, because I don't go on the road because I have a kid. So I do, you know, I say I do every steak and seafood restaurant in the tri-state area. And if I do well at these shows, I go home, I drive home feeling shitty because I've had to do what I've had to do to do well.

And then if I don't do well, I drive home feeling shitty because, you know, you have an ego about it. It's like there's no winning in some of the shit. You live now? So I live right in the middle of New Jersey, right in the very center of that state. How far from the city? It's about an hour. You know, so if I'm going in for like a 9 o'clock show or something, it's fine.

You don't leave at 7.30. But if you have to be somewhere at 7, it's a fucking pain in the ass because the tunnel gets backed up. How did you adjust leaving Los Angeles, going to Jersey, having a fucking kid, adopt him like nine kids? Because Richie's like half Puerto Rican. He's got like 19 fucking kids on the side. You never know. He's got a daughter in college.

He's got the other ones driving. His two kids are, they're, you know, one of them's getting married. The other ones checked up. They're adults. That's it. That's amazing. Yeah. I remember when he was like on the struggle and we would talk.

Oh, yeah, I know. He was, he always talked about his girls and taking him on stage. And now we're doing the same thing to Raina. She's 11. She's funny. She's so funny, though. I said to her one day I was watching Louis CK on YouTube

and he does a bit where he fucks the stool and I was like Jesus does every guy do a stool fucking bit and then she goes you should do it but you should ask for consent You curse in front of it? Yeah I don't care And what does she think? You know it's like I feel like it's like it's like beer You would drink a beer in front of your kid

But you wouldn't let your kid drink beer You know it's like some things adults get to do and kids don't you know and there's also like a time like she's sworn before when it's been very funny like in a joke and it's been in context or it's been at the right time in the right place it's totally fine how it was the first time she cursed oh she used to do this thing when she was really little where she would she would she would go through some cursors oh my god it was so funny but she's never gone in trouble at school i mean she knows where you know it's when and where when and where yeah i'm scared of my daughter picking it

I picked it up when I was young at my mother's bar in Spanish. And then going to New York, I got it translated to me in English. And it never ended. And that's why I'm the filthy animal that I am today. Maybe not. So I know it's irreversible. Like, once a kid starts cursing, you can't turn that wheel back. Well, she doesn't, you know, she doesn't curse, like she, you know, her friends, you know, she's, you know, I took her to her friend's house the other day and her,

parents were she had a sleepover and her parents said you know can you come pick her up at 8 30 tomorrow morning because we have to go to church and you know i was like oh boy you know but she the she just knows when and where and she i know she would horrify people if they really knew some of the stuff she said i'm i'm cringing i know she said shit one day but i don't think it's bad i honestly don't think it's bad oh no no no it's got to start at a certain age and i'm on old school motherfucker. There's no booze in my house, Bonnie. Yeah, well. Pretty soon I got to start going for a ride

to smoke dope or I got to quit smoking dope. Yeah. And I'm going to have to do it. I have to do it. Oh, they'll know. I grew up around parents. She knows. Oh, yeah. They have been her six-sense bucks. She knows I do something in that bedroom. Right. You know how many times I run like we run in and I put things away? We've just been on like a two-hour excursion.

Yeah. And I'll run in and I'll wash my hands. at the sink and she'll go, Daddy, you're going to come draw with me? Yeah, yeah. I go get everything set up. You know how many times I've gotten into the office? I go into the back. I open up the back door. Thank God I got that back door. I fill up a pipe and I blow the smoke outside. I have a big backyard. So I step outside. I come in, I put the pipe and I pop a piece of gum in. I wash my hands. I lock the door. You know how many times I've opened up that back door and she's been there waiting for me the attention. Oh my fucking heart craigs.

So that means she knows. Well, she knows something's going on. Only what? But also, she smells it. I mean, honestly, you don't smell it because you smoke a lot, but people who don't, they smell it on people. Well, the first time she says something, I know for a fact that the first time she says something to my wife, her mother, about smelling something. I'm done even in the back.

Like, my wife will let me know immediately, like it's over. Yeah. You better go to the office. office and get high, put cologne on. And for me, I have to do that. I was introduced to drugs in early age. My mom had a ball, and I

fucking regret it now. I regret all the shit I did. At least let her make a decision, but not at fucking, I can't have her around. Right, I wouldn't, you know. I don't give a fuck if weed is legal or not. I don't give a fuck about none of that shit. I'm telling that there's a time and a motherfucker place for everything.

Right. When she's 14, if she comes to me and goes, I smelt these guys smoking weed. then it's time to sit to the fuck down and explain the situation how many show how to roll it yeah show her how to roll it listen my mother showed me

fucking heroin coke and pop wow six what because they had gone to the police athletic league and they took me to the police station as part of the trip in New York City and they fingerprint you

they'll let you shoot a 22 and they give you like a junior g-man badge so they would tell me Like, you know, you have to report mysterious acts and shit. At that time, I knew my mom did something. I just didn't know what it was. I knew she did something. I knew her and her friends did something.

And I still remember seeing my mom doing blow. Wow. Out of an aluminum foil, you know, like old Cuban style. Whoa. Women's night when all my aunts would get together and shit. I never know about it. They would play cards and like dominoes and shit. And they would do little bumps.

Oh, my God. By the time I was seven or eight, I would tell my mom to wipe her nose. Oh, my God. Wipe your Wiping nose. Like you're fucking embarrassing me. So then like when you got older, did it get worse?

Did she stop doing it? She didn't stop until she died. Wow. So were you embarrassed of it? No, no, no. It didn't come up in the drug report

when she died. It was just a heart attack. No, no, I mean, was I embarrassed about her doing blow? Yeah. At that time, nobody, she wasn't doing it like people

were doing it now. Right. It wasn't the way she had under control. She worked on a bomb. My mother, believe for you to sell drinks, you got to drink. Right.

You know, my mother believed that if a woman works behind a bar, her boyfriend should never be in the bar. You know. Because he shouldn't see what's really going on. No, you just break away the dream. Oh, oh, oh, gotcha. I'm in love with Bonnie. I don't need to know Bonnie's got a husband. Right, right.

I don't want to be always. I want them in there spending money every night. Bonnie, can I go out with you? I can't. Bar policy. The normal fire me. But you never got a boyfriend or husband. You just don't mention it.

You know, where you ring at work, that's how a woman makes fucking money at work. You know what I'm saying? You show those tities a little bit, but not enough. You know what I'm saying? Just perfect cleavage. When you bend over, you ever go to Texas and go to a bar?

Every woman has fucking cleavage. You ever go to a bar in Houston league? Even in New York. You're fucking pat. You got to show those tities. You got to give me the illusion that I might be able to score with you. That's what's going to get those dollars

flowing out of my fucking pocket, you know? It's like when you go to a strip club, and you take a stripper aside and you're gonna go a little creepy at the end of the night how much to spend the night with you? She's like, meet me at Denny's and you go to Denny's

and she don't show up, you know? She's got a husband and fucking six kids. Oh yeah, you tell them, they'll always tell you, meet me at Denny's, I'll meet you there in 45 minutes. There you are in a car, fucking put a cologne on your neck

and the chick never shows. That was done to me a thousand times. You didn't learn after your first. Yeah, the chick ain't going to show. The chick showed one time. Oh, and then she just ate breakfast. We kind of talked.

We kind of talked, and then we went on like a legal date, like three days later. And then I told I was a stand-up comic, and I was in the process of a divorce. This could only happen to me at the time. You know when you have a bad luck streak? Like, you know when the phone rings and you're like, today it can't get no worse. So I'm going through a divorce. We have a child. This chick.

went into a barbershop where my wife worked and sat in my wife's chair without knowing. That's how fucking faint is. Oh, my God. And she's like, cut me up nice because I'm going out with a comedian this weekend. Oh, no. Are you fucking kidding.

That's the luck I had at that time. Did she say your name? Oh, yeah. My wife goes, what's his name? Oh, my God. As soon as the girl got up and left, my wife called me. She had one fucked up hairdo.

Yeah. At the end of the, she's lucky she had ears when she left. I think she called me back the girl. She's like, you didn't even tell me you were married. I don't fucking get in divorce. She goes, no, that's cheating. It's not cheating.

She's with another guy, and I'm trying to meet another woman there. Oh, my God. That's a crazy story. How crazy is that? That's like a movie. And she was pissed, my ex-wife. Pissed. This chick was 23, banging big fake titties.

Oh, my God. It could only happen to me. You know what I'm saying? Going out with a comedian tonight. Do me of nice. How many fucking comedians live in Boulder, too? And that was one of them? Can you fucking believe that?

There's probably more hairdressers than comedians. There's fucking more everything than comedians in Boulder. Boulder didn't even have a comedy scene. It's weird. There was a club called the Blue Note that was a jazz bar. Yeah. In New York? No.

No, in Boulder. Right. And that's where Roseanne used to do a majority of her work. Oh, wow. It was that place and the Denver Comedy Works. Did you try to say, no, she's talking about Roseanne? Man. It's not me.

Who's got your daughter today, Rich? Yeah. He's got the whole week with, you know, this is a rare thing. It's an experiment. We'll see how it goes. I told Ray and I said, you got to, you know, he's got a short fuse. So, you know, they get into fights. They're like two children a lot of times, you know, where he tells her to do some and then she won't do it.

And then he yells at her. And then I got to step in. and then she fucks with them because she knows his little idiosyncrasies and you know, it's, it is what it is. They get along, they're fun. They love each other, obviously, you know. A father-daughter situation is a weird one to have,

especially when the dad is a fucking lunatic. I mean, he's got so many weird little fucking things. It's, you know, it's like walking through a minefield sometimes. But I just called them before it came here and they're all playing basketball, so they're having fun. Yeah. 61 still playing basketball. He does, whatever it is, 10,000 steps a day or something. Does that sound right?

Some crazy amount he's always like, I got to do my steps, got to get my steps in. He's insane because he still thinks that he's going to somehow, he wants to do stand-up with his shirt off. I don't know. He thinks like, he's always like, I'm just going to lose 10 pounds. I was telling him the other day, I was like, well, don't you want to just be happy? Like, wouldn't you rather just be like, ah, it's good. You look great. You lifting?

I do a lot of dumb shit. You look fucking great. Thank you. Jesus Christ. Before we started the podcast, we were talking about it, when I first met you, it was at the improv. It was very casual. We never hung out of nothing. We never really chit-chatted.

I'd say hello to you, say hello to me. I forget that we used to hang out with in those days. I'd like to say it was like Doug Benson. Yes, it was that crew. What crew was that? I'm a comedy store guy. But the guy would give me spots at the improv from time to time. And I'd watch you guys.

And it was a fun crew. Everybody was very nice. But you guys had your own thing. Well, because we would, there was a group of us that would work at the improv and then also in the alt scene, you know, and we could do both for whatever reason. What was the name of the fucking place that did the alt scene, Fargo? Largo. Largo.

Yeah. Okay. And the guy's name. Where was the place where Josh Donato was at? That started at Largo. A Largo. Wait, it might have started at Embar and then moved over to Largo. But he was the guy who started Largo and then, you know, obviously they...

They found out that he was paying him. He was paying the comics. And that's what happened. Oh, is that what happened? Largo was paying the car. He was getting names that were absurd. Yeah. The lineup at Largo during the week, like his night, was absurd.

It was mine. It was the comedy store meets the improv meets the last back. Yeah. Like six of the best comics working every fucking week. You would sit there and go, Jesus Christ. So then he teamed up with Mitch Hedberg. Josh Degonado. Degano did?

Mitch started taking him on the road. And then he took him to Toronto. That's where him and Mitch got in trouble for something weird. And then supposedly when he got back here, it got to somebody. Like he had Margotichot in there. It got to somebody that Largo was giving him like $600 a week. That is right. He was not paying the comedians.

He was just pocketing all the money. And it was like the fucking hottest room in Hollywood. Yes. Yes. Yes. It was the hottest room in Hollywood. I will say this for him. He was the first one just sort of like, you know, he curated a room.

You know, he would only put in, he was very, you know, specific about the kind of comic he wanted and he brought in a certain kind of audience. And then, and he was kind of a little mean to the audience in terms of like, if anybody talked, they were kicked out. He really ran that show, and that's why it became the show that it became. But yeah, he, then they kicked him out of it because... Now, Lago was on Fairfax.

It used to be, yeah. Okay. Now, what was the place when I first got here? That was the hot, hot spot in Boys Town. What's Boys Town? The gay area. You know, Santa Monica and Las Siena. You made a right, and you went around two blocks,

And then you made a left and you walked around 50 feet and there was a, the guy Sam used to book it. You had to go downstairs. Oh, the banana club or something like that? That also became a hot spot for agents and managers. And if you walked in there, you got a deal. Even Dice was in there one night like that. Yeah, like if you had a spot down on Tuesday, you got a deal.

I remember that. Like you walked out of there with a manager and an agent. Well, there's a thing about L.A. back in the day was that you, would be you would do these crazy sometimes okay we used to do this show that was um at the uh in the basement of the romada in like uh what the like on vermont or something yes oh my god that's that room has been existence now it's a pot hotel oh it is yeah it used to be about three or four years ago they turned into a pot hotel and they were doing pot comedy in there oh oh right okay Like a pot hotel where you could smoke pot in the hotel room and shit

It's got a green leaf outside it's in a weird neighborhood in Vermont Yeah it was I don't know why we would all because I guess it was a Monday night Monday a Sunday yeah it was a good room and it would be like fucking open micers people just starting out and then you know like Mark Maren would be there or you know David Cross would show up like it was a Pat and Oswald it was like And all places were like that it was like you know there'd be these because people just wanted to get stage time. It's not like New York where you get booked on, you know, five shows a night. So you're just always

looking for a place. So an open mic, fine, I'll go and I'll get on. And there will be you know, fucking 10 open micers and, you know, Genean Garofalo and, you know, these like big stars that were there, you know. What was the comic book place on Silver Lake? Lee just told me about a...

Cosmic Vinyl? Is that still there? I just did it. They still doing comedy there? The vinyl plays, yeah. That used to be the alt scene. The owner, the owner knows you. The owner that listens to the podcast. That used to be the alt scene.

Yeah, isn't it not anymore? And Duncan booked it for a couple weeks. Yeah, I left before that. And when Duncan booked it, I went and ate a bag of dicks. You did. Oh, my God, because it was just Silver Lake. It was like, you know, what do they call them now? Hipsters.

Hipsters. Hipsters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was hipsters before they were even known. They were hipsters. Right. And then they used to be a taco place. That whole area.

used to have tremendous comedy. What's that fucking... Silver Lake before Silver Lake was Silver Lake. That one Mexican bar and Silver Lake was badass. They gave you a free margarita when you did the spot. And listen, if you were getting a free margarita,

that was a pretty good fucking deal. Well, you got to remember, if you were getting a free gar margarita, that means you were getting two free margaritas. Because you gave the bartender a fin, and now you had two under your belt. Now you had a little punt to your step to get you to the improv.

You know, they wouldn't give you a fuck and soda at these places. Like you weren't getting paid and you had to, you know, put out for anything you wanted at the bar for most of those places. You know? Then there was a street. They treated comics like shit. Like shit in those days. And the, and the promoters were

making a little bit of money and they would break you off like three drink tickets. And that was huge. Oh, yeah, yeah. And if you killed, he'd give you an extra one. Here's an extra one. Well, that's why the improv was so great. Because they, uh, they would send you your check. They'd pay you by check. But they would let you, um,

run a tab at the bar. So my whole theory was, is I'm going to run up a tab at the bar so they have to keep booking you. Because then they just take it out of your check, you know. I never ever got a check because. That's brilliant. I never,

I never knew there was a tab available at the fucking important. Yeah, I was buying people drinks. And then, yeah, then at some point they stopped letting you run up a tab. You know, but those were the good days because in the improv, oh man, we used to get so, fucked up there.

That was where the party started. Yeah. And they had that big bar there. It was so, I don't know, I don't think they have that star. They used to be packed in there. Oh, yeah. People'd be eating dinner there. That's when budd used to go down there and eat dinner with Hartman.

But there'd be huge stars in there, too. I remember going in there one time, and Ellen DeGeneres was in there with Anne Hache when they were dating. And she was talking to me. And so I was talking to Anne Hache and Ellen DeGeneres. and Bill Maher walked in, and he sees the three of us in the corner, and he goes, hello, lesbians. And I was like, excuse me, I might add something. That's when Bill Maher used to hang down there a lot. Yeah, he used to.

Yes, yeah, yeah. That's why I met him the first time. They put me on his show to do a sketch, and he was always like to help. He was friends with Ron Zimmerman, I think, who would drag him in there all the time. He's friends with weird people. He's good friends with the kid and play. Oh, he is? Yeah.

The kid, the one that we had on the podcast. Really? That's one of his best friends. He does the music for the show. Oh, I didn't know that. If you watched the end of the show. I had no idea. It's a kid that did the theme

or something for it. Oh, my God. Now, do you still remember this Bill Moore story? When I first got here, I got here because of Doug Stano. Doug Stano. Doug Stano did Seattle, and they told me, come down. You're going to do great. And about three weeks later, I got here.

And I remember that he said, said something to me, goes, we'll try to get you spots at the improv, but right now I'm not doing too good there. Let me see your nails again. They're beautiful, Bonnie. Look at you. You're a fucking hot mom. Thank you. He goes, come to do this podcast more off. Yeah, yeah. He goes, I don't, I'm not in good terms at the improv right now for a few days. So I'll tell you when I'll get you in when I first got here. So I said, what did you do? How can mean that? The thing goes, Ah, Bill Ma had a party and I fucked some girl in his bed. So Bill Maher, Call the improv complaining and said that Doug Stando.

What a fucking douche back he is. I personally apologize for him fucking the chicken's bed. Bill Mark can go suck a dick. I mean, if you're that pissed about it, say something to Doug Stano. Don't try to take work away from the guy. That's a fucking shitty move. It was, you know, it was a different time than he was a different person. You know, you walk into your bedroom with somebody's fucking doggie style in your bed.

What wasn't his girlfriend? You got kids? I think something. I think it was the girl. He wanted to fuck. Something crazy. He was really going to bring him down. I opened for Bill Maher a couple times.

One time I was in the green room and you could hear the guy on stage, the MC or whatever. And I laughed at the guy and he told me I had to get out of the green room if I was going to laugh. How many years have you been doing comedy for now? 23 years. Yeah, a long time. And you started in Canada and you were up there for how long? Um, I didn't do stand up in Canada very long. A couple of years and then, uh, I, uh, I, I moved to New York.

I, it's a funny story, but I called. See, in Canada, when you were starting out, we were talking about yuck yucks before the, the, we started the podcast, but they wouldn't promote you as a comedian. They would only promote comedy. So you could never get out from under the yuck yuck, yuck's hold, you know. because you could never, you know, go sell tickets on your own. You had to use the Yuck Yuck's name. And people complained about it all the time.

And I was like, fuck this shit. I'm going to, you know, I'm going to the States. And, you know, they had Caroline's Comedy Hour was, you know, one of the big shows back then. And I called Caroline's the club. I just looked, you know, got the number and called the club. And I said, who books the TV show? No one there seemed to know what I was talking about. So they put me through to the man.

I think his name is Joe Felzerano or something like that. And I'm talking to the guy and I said, I want to do your TV show. And it turned out he really was the guy who booked the TV show. And he said, okay, you know, he asked me some questions about myself. He was kind of, you know, amused, I guess, by, what the fuck is this girl? And then he asked me if it was cute. And I was like, yeah, I don't think so. And he said, okay, I have some.

some workmen in my office, they're fixing the ceiling. I'm going to put you on speaker. And if you can make them laugh, I'll give you the show. So he put me on speaker and I have my notebook open and I ran through some jokes and I heard the workers laughing. I did a little crowdwork and he gave me the show from doing that. So then I came to New York and did Caroline's Comedy Hour. What year is this? So that there was a last year that that that show was happening so I don't know which what year that was but mid to the late 90s probably like 96 or 97 maybe something like that and uh yeah I was just young I bombed really bad too where they tape at Carolines at Carolines yeah right right I remember that and I got my managers

through that and everything and then I had to go back for a little bit to Canada and you know just a couple weeks later, I was back in New York for good. And I was like, I got an apartment in Harlem, fully furnished apartment for 500 bucks a month. No rats. No rat. It was a really nice apartment, but yeah, the woman who lived there just died and the people were looking for someone to just sort of stay in the place until they could, you know, sell it or whatever. It's like, I just got lucked out yeah but no one would come visit me back then harlowe but you know you seized an opportunity what street was it on 125th in broadway oh that's a fucking phenomenal neighborhood yeah what year was this

so that was like 97 I guess 95 was the last season on the show okay so 95 96 then I was in and then I only stayed a year and then and then came to LA so when you were on the 25th street there was a couple bodegas on the block that sold reefer oh I didn't know that You never went down there? I mean, I cruised around. Did you ever walk up to Hon. 25th to the Kentucky for, what, what that? Is it a Popeyes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a Popeyes there. Right by the train station. And down the block from the theater. Yeah. Apollo Theater. Right, right. Yeah, I would get, that was my weed neighborhood.

But I'll tell you, I mostly walked the other direction. Yes, you did. Yes, you did. Yes, you did. That's, I didn't know that. You lived in Harlem. And then you came out here. Then I came out to L.A.

And I had a deal already. by then. I got a development deal right away. Now, when were you on SNL? I never did it. I never was on SNL. Oh, my God. I thought you wrote on SNL or some shit. No, no, never did. Nothing. Nothing. I mean, I told you this story before that people would say, were you on SNL, but they just, I never did. I never was on it. They don't really know. It's so crazy when you go out there and people tell fake credits and shit.

And then after them, I saw people actually get stumped. Like, you ever see comics get stumped? What do you mean? Like a comic would go up. Let's say an L.A. comic would be on a triple run, and he would be an extra on Star Trek, the next generation. Yeah. The emcee would say it.

Coming to the stage, you've seen him on Star Trek the next generation. And afterward, when he get off stage, people come up to him and go, you know what? I'm a Star Trek nerd. What episode was you? Oh, my God. And the guy would sit there and go like episode 338. He goes, who are you?

Are you the guy? And he's like, no. I'm the guy that walked past the guy. He goes, oh, my God, did you get to talk? It was crazy. They were just being doing extra work. Well, that's like a, I know, but that's like a shitty show to lie about because those people really do know.

No, but any of those shows, there's always somebody in the audience who geeks out on you. And says, what episode did you do? You know, it's like when Seinfeld was on. Right. When Seinfeld was on, if you did an episode of Seinfeld, that weekend, you sold out. Yeah. Wow. That's it.

You sold tickets because they won, like, when he played the Umbrella Man, didn't Dom Herrera? Yeah, he, Tom Arerera was on there. a few times. A few times. Yeah, that made you famous. Made you famous. Coming to the Kentucky, the umbrella man from Seinfeld. You're buying tickets. Right. It's so different now. You can do 10 episodes. But there's so much shit.

I mean... You can do 10 episodes of a show and nobody knows who the fuck you are. You know, it's so crazy. Okay, like I don't watch The Walking Dead. I've never seen it. So if one of those guys walked in here, I wouldn't, I would just treat him like a normal dude. I wouldn't know who it is. And for somebody else, that's the most

famous person in the world. So it's is really we it's like person to person now you know it's it's whatever show you fucking watch yeah I don't watch a lot of TV so I don't like I don't fucking know right I'm a comic man if you watch TV it's kind of like now you're you're more accessible to watch TV because you could watch Netflix and Hulu when I first got into comedy in the early 90s I just stopped like TV had become something that I never watched I had one in my apartment But I watched like the news at five.

Like I didn't know what TV shows were on. I didn't watch TV. So I came out here and I got called in for NYPD Blue. And I said, let me, I shouldn't fucking watch it before. I started auditioning for this shit. And I watched it. And that was the first time I had watched TV in like eight years. I, you know, it's so funny.

I didn't watch TV at all. I didn't even have a TV until I met Rich. Rich came to my apartment in L.A. here and he bought me a TV. that was the first I mean I you know obviously I'd been at other people's houses I watched TV a little you know but when I came to L.A. and I started having

meetings with these executives and they'd say what TV show do you like and I'd say Murphy Brown or something I don't know I didn't know what to say I just I've never you know I would say just weird things that I'd heard I just I don't even think friends was on yet

you know or anything When did friends come on? I think like 97 maybe Yeah, if you did friends, you became a star. Aisha Taylor. That's how she... Yes, right. Aisha Taylor.

So there was certain shows, and if you did those shows, that weekend... 94. Yeah, that weekend, you were hot. That weekend, you were hotter. I could have said friends. Yeah, that weekend, you were hot and a piss. That doesn't happen anymore. Yeah.

But you, you know, like, I've told you before the show, I'll never forget. There used to be a girl, like a group of common girls that used to go to the improv, that hung out with a guy with a van. that smoked pot in the parking lot behind the improv. We would go to the parking lot, and I'll never forget that. One night we were out there smoking pot,

and that was the night I had a conversation with you, like a semi-conversation about, because you were with Sussman or something. Yeah, that's the manager that I got when I got to. You were with Sussman at the time, you got rid of them. Something had happened. Yes, yes.

I had to pay him for years after I left him. Oh, yeah. Because back then he had actual fucking written contracts, and he wouldn't let me out of the contract. So I had to pay him 15% or whatever for years. Yeah, he didn't play. He doesn't play at all. Yeah, he's Rogan's manager. He's Rogan's manager and Kevin James.

We were talking about something. Fuck, I was just thinking about it. That's how I got to know you a little bit. You were telling me about something you were doing. And then I just see. Whose van was that? Somebody that would just go there and smoke pot. I'm sure.

20 of us would go out there and get high and a fucking guy with a van. If anybody said you were. And he'd open up the back doors and we'd sit there and smoke with the guy. And one of the girls, believe it or not, that was hanging out in those days was the girl that ended up on Chelsea lately that she travels now. She was on the podcast talking about eating goat cheese. Heather McDonald. Oh, Heather McDonald's. Heather McDonald was out in those days.

That was 98, 97 with her long fucking legs. And we'd start at the improv and go to Largo. She was always a fun girl. Yeah, and then we go to fucking that Chinese restaurant, the legendary one, on that street. It's the name of the fucking street right off of La Brea. I think it's Melrose or Santa Monica. It's a well-known Chinese place where everybody used to drink in the 50s, Steve McQueen.

They just redid it. I forget now. Who the fuck knows? I remember being in there one night, and we weren't doing comedy. We just, like, I was broke living in a car. I was having more fun than, like yeah, I was living in front of Ralphie's house.

Oh my God. And some nights Ralphie would let me in and some nights he'd be sleeping already. Was that when he lived in that place where he had the most massive stairs? He used to live in a place where it was like the highest, steepest stairs to get up to it. And I'd be like, why Ralphie?

No, no, no. This is what he was still broke. This is what he was on. When we were, this was when he was in Doug Stanhope's. Doug Stanhope, a friend, Andy Indris had rented that apartment. And he went to Alaska and live with a girl. So Doug Stanhope took it over and Ralphie needed a place to stay. Trust me, there was no stairs there.

Ralphie broke the toilet eight times for two years. My God. Are you fucking kidding me? It was a toilet for like a Hollywood, you know. It was like a condo for like Hollywood Bim Betts in the 50s. and Ralphie's dropping 600 pounds, cracking the toilets. We were going to a gig once, and the car was rubbing.

He was so heavy that the car was, like, leaning down, like, you know, and it was like... Was this the forerunner? Yeah, and he could hear it going, and he goes, I don't know what that is. And I was like, I don't know what it is. Yeah, he popped the fucking springs in that car. Let me tell you something, Toyota, if you know where that car is, buy it, and put it in your fucking showrooms. Like if you go to a, this is a Toyota place in Denver

when you walk in the showroom, they had a car with 5 million miles or 3 million miles, something crazy. It had gone around the earth twice, and it still ran. Wow. They would prove. So they wanted all those cars back. Right.

Well, here's Ralphie's. Yeah, so Ralphie, I think Ralphie's nephew still has the former. Ralphie gave it to him when he won last comic standing. They fixed it up. Yeah, because it was right before that. I remember him talking about that he'd done a pilot for the last comic standing. And then I was like, it was before reality shows. He was trying to explain it to me.

We all live in a house. I was like, it sounds awful. You know, he's like, no, it's going to be a great show. I'm going to do the show. That's funny that Jay Moore created it at the time. Yeah. That's how hot he was after Jerry, we got in. Jay Moore was at the top of his fucking game.

For a while there, he was like on every show. and you couldn't miss. He's in every movie. Remember they gave him the first he played the agent. Right. And then they gave him a show on Fox as an agent. That's why. That's why. Right, right, right.

And him and Ralphie became tight. And then he would, Ralphie would open for him on the road. In that process, him, Jay Moore, had a black friend that was really funny. But didn't do stand there. No. He was a black dude that was funny. And he would bounce shit off people. Like he would, like Jay would keep him around to.

bounced up and I forget what his name is. It was him and Jay that created last comic standing. I went to, I opened one time in Vegas for Jeff Ross and Ralphie was the MC. That's how long ago.

And Jeff would say to Ralphie every night you got to do all your time before Bonnie because he couldn't follow it. Even if Ralphie did five minutes after me, Jeff would have a hard time with it. because he was fucking funny. He was funny.

So he would do all his time before me, and then I'd have to go out there and eat it for a half hour, and then Jeff would go on. And every night we'd go back to Jeff's room, I don't remember, but, you know, smoke pot. And Jeff would say, hey, what about this? And Ralphie was just so good at telling him, oh, you put in your punchline before your setup or, you know, do that joke before you do that joke. Or here's a line, you know, just smoke, not caring about it. He wasn't, like, really thinking. Jeff was making notes and writing it down, and he was just good at doing that. And, you know, when he got on last comic standing, he was already a headliner.

Yeah. That's what people have to understand. That's why it was impossible for that fan to win, and people knew it, and they felt weird about it. But NBC had to go with some ethnic. So I don't know. I don't know what went down. But Ralphie, I remember doing the same with him at his house at 2 in the morning while he was. cooking, he was the guy that told me that I had to stop playing for the back of the room.

He told me right to my face. Right, right. You know, people think that people are like mean, like, if I say something to Lee, they'll hit me with a tweet later than they said, oh, you shouldn't talk to Lee that way. I'll never forget, like, the comedy advice I got was all bad. Like, anybody who ever said something to me about my set wasn't pleasant. He was trying to help me. It's not pleasant.

Right. But that's, you know, we were, the business. that we're in is that there's no school or anything. How you learn is other comedians. So if the comedians that are ahead of you don't tell you, then, you know, there's things that you can't fucking know

until somebody tells you about it, you know? And now everyone's so nice. It's like acting class all the time. You're great. You're great. Yeah, no. Let me tell you. So people aren't getting better in some ways. He said something to me, Bonnie. I'm going to tell you what is and I might cry. Oh, no. Because he was cooking that as he said it to me.

He was cooking. He was 600 pounds, 700 pounds. He barely fit in the kitchen in those days. He would have to do like a 360, like a robot in the kitchen to turn around. And that's nice to drink all his orange juice. And he would go crazy. Coco, really?

You left me a swallow with orange juice. He said to him to me one night and I was high on Coke and I fucking didn't even sleep on his floor. I just went in my car and cried. That's how hard he hit me one night. and I never held it against him because he turned me into a comic.

What did he say? He said that I had blown up the room. He goes, you blew up that fucking room today, I'll go. You're the funny motherfucker. And he said something. He was, we were still broke. I mean, everybody was broke. I was living off him.

He was living off his mom. Somebody was sending him checks. He was opening up for Jay Moore. Like, he was headlined. Yeah. And he was staring, whatever the fuck he was cooking. And he goes, You're only

You're not going to get I don't even know how he said it He said to stop playing to the back of the room Right He goes You're not going to starve Until you learn how to play In the front of the room

You keep playing to the back of the room And those people don't pay in the back They're comics Right And I remember looking at him And like what the fuck are you talking about Playing to the back of the room What I find out

And I remember getting in the car And popping the car seat back And going he's right It's a tough lesson I learn It's tough When I go back there I'm worried about What the comics think

I'm making fun Yeah For the comics Because all the comics We get in the back And I perform for the comics And he goes You never see a

A successful comics comic He goes You'll never see a successful Comics comic Well I I feel like you have to do A little of both You know

You don't want to be Just the guy That's selling it You want to like It's like a Doug Stanope or something He's doing a little bit of both He's still trying to make the comics laugh, you know? That was a tough lesson to eat at that fucking 12-year mark or something.

Like in 2001, he told me that. But it's true. It's like you see all these comics making that mistake. Yeah, I kept doing it. I kept doing it. And I would fucking destroy the comics in the back, but the people in the front would look at me like, you're not funny, you know?

Like, did we know this shit? Like, it was just weird. I used to watch Andy Kindler. Yeah. The audience would do, because all the comics come in the back, the improv, Andy Kinler would go on, and all the comments were laughing, and this was what the audience was doing.

They just kept turduring, like, what the hell of these people laughing at? Like, we don't get what is going on at all. They didn't get it. No, we'd just be, like, losing our shit back there. That was some advice he gave me. He told me to throw a joke out once. Which, you know, those jokes that you got emotionally attached to?

Yeah. And he was like, I know you think it's funny, but it's fucking horrible. Oh, my God. Like something crazy. was like Jesus Christ. And, you know, I never wanted to punch him or call him fat, you know. Like, I get it because he's ahead of me.

But you need someone like that in your life. Rich and I say all the time, like, you know, the quickest way to get unfunny is to get fans. You know, I mean, like, once you start playing to people that already like you, it's like it's so easy to fall into that trap. That's why comedians that get really big a lot of times, they have a hard time staying sharp because they never have to like work through that you know that's what happened to me this year you got you got too many fans i fucking started playing to the fans and started fucking with me they didn't know what was fucking with me and even when i shot the netflix it was fuck with me

yeah and then after the netflix on the plane ride it hit me like a punch to the fucking mouth and nose and i was like i've been fucking around for the last three years i'm going back to saying shit I want to say I don't give a fuck. Yeah. I don't give a fuck about the consequences. I'm 55. Well, the thing is that it's always like a little bit of this, a little bit of that. No, what are they going to say? They're not going to like you. I'm not going to laugh. If you're yourself,

they're going to appreciate that more than anything else. I've seen guys that do a movie that have no comedic talent at all and they go on stage and they bomb for 40 minutes, but they tell shit about themselves and the people leave happy.

As long as you're yourself. That's all they want. want to see. Right. That's what the audience. Some authenticity of some kind. They want some authenticity. That's it. That's better than going up there and playing to them. Right. You know, I want to, every time I watch a clean comic, I go, wow, I wish I were clean. And that sets me back, 2,000 fucking years. I know, but it's hard not to. It's hard. When you watch a good comic, you think, well, I should be doing that. Well, when I saw John Mullaney's fucking special on Netflix, I go, why am I, what am I stupid? I got to start writing like that. And also,

you go into this writer's trap and it's like this isn't who you are. Right. So I went through that. I went through that for about two years, the last two years and I just said fuck it, no more set list. I'm going back to Comedy Store comedy. I'm going off the flow of energy. I'm starting with this. And wherever it takes me, that's

where it takes me. And if they get offended, they shouldn't have been out on a fucking Thursday night. I think I set my right. Right, right. And I feel better now. I feel liberated. You know, that's why I was telling you I go out every other week. I feel very liberate now. Back to back, I can't give you that 100%. So I'm cheating.

If you see me coming two weeks in a row, I'm cheating you. Right. I'm taking money out of your pocket. Spend it on something else. Right. I'm tired. I'm 50, you know. Well, it takes it out of you.

People don't realize doing a fucking hour, well, you're doing two hours a night, basically. You're doing two shows. You know, I was in Philly doing the, what's that club called? Helium. Helium. And I had my dog and my kid with me. I was fucking exhausted by the end of it.

I mean, I was just like, I can't. This is really hard to go out. Saturday last show doing that last hour. I was just like. I like five shows. I like five shows. I like five shows. I like the new three show combination I'm doing.

One show on Friday, get in the train, go somewhere else and do two shows in the bigger city. Yeah. I like that combination. I really enjoy that. Theaters would be fantastic. and one show a night. Yeah, but you have to have to have still two to fucking make a scratch.

The first one goes to the house, and so the first one is always scratch. You're like, well, I'm taking a bullet, but at least I'm in the fucking theater now. You know, I'm trying. Bonnie, I mean, you're working on, you're taking care yourself, you're beautiful, you've got the daughter.

But for me, it was throwing the kid into the mix. That's what really got to me that I didn't want to be a comic that died and then they had to learn about, who I was for somebody else. Right. Oh, my God. I already was involved in a marriage that I don't see my kid. I have no communication with my kids and she's been 17, 16.

How come? Me and the wife just didn't click. And, you know, I think about it with this one. I go, what I would have trusted me with a kid 25 years ago, no wonder. I wouldn't have trusted me. I was nuts when I was with that kid. The kid was five. And that's when I moved away when she was.

was five and then we just broke. It just something that broke. It's like I gave up a life to get a life as a comedian. It was hard for a few years. I accepted it. I reached out a thousand times. It's a different world and I live with that now. So I didn't want this to happen with her. No.

So now I over-extend myself with her because I see it's the little things. Back then it was, I thought it was based on money and doing shit with your kid. Your kid just wants to land your leg. wants your attention that's it they want to see you light up when you when they walk in the room that's it that's it my whole fucking wall is and an iphone x and that is it no my wife won't give her phone my wife lets a play with her phone yeah and she texts me at night my she'll text me

from her bed hearts and pictures of her doing shit yeah i'm at that level now where i'm i'm all in i'm all in for sunday dinners yeah there's a rule in my house we got to be in for sunday dinner and eat like a family, and then I watch my 60 minutes. Well, I think there's a thing where people, you know, it's all about making it big, but really, I honestly think the sweet spot is making it medium because when you, if you're going to be a star, people don't realize the amount of fucking effort it takes

to make it to that level and to maintain it at that level. You've got to be working and thinking about it all the time. And so if you want to have a life where, you know, like, you have your kid and you have family and you have these like you know actual real relationships and and um you know you really there should be more everyone always says in this country like dream big dream big it should be like you know try to pay your mortgage and then spend some time with your family that's i don't know i mean it sounds cheesy but it's no it's not cheesy it's really let me explain some to i love that nobody knows who the fuck i am i love it i love it that people i'm

hate to break it to you. I don't know if you know how many Twitter followers do you have. No, but people don't know who the fuck I am. You know, half of those Twitter followers have come and gone. They moved on to other comments right now and shit like that. But it's so weird how I couldn't imagine doing a Lewis C.K. or Kevin Hart, that's not for me. Right. I even feel uncomfortable like the Wilber Theater is as big as I like it. That's anything after that, it's too echo.

I feel the people uncomfortable. If it was up to me, I would just do 200 seat rooms. Right, of course. Where I can fucking be huge in there. Yeah. I'm huge in a 250 seat room. I can't imagine doing 20,000. What is, I mean, I guess I don't.

So I get it, I get it. Like they say if you do the garden anyway, you don't make no money. Don't make no money. At the end of the night, when you add up the tickets and the money, The union takes half of it. It's New York City, baby, girl.

Wow. They want, you know, 50 just for you walking in there. Then it's security, then it's advertising. Oh, yeah. I guess so. I guess so. When the people do the garden, like, they don't do it. They do it for the, to say I did the garden.

Yeah. But it's one of those things where, you know, you need to do, like, 19 fucking shows. Like, when I was going to do New York Comedy Festival, they made me an offer. There was no money there. Right. I couldn't believe it. Like, there was no money. Like, they were like $25,000 for advertising.

Wow. What are you talking about? What are you advertising? Mars? Yeah. What the fuck are you sending signals to? Get in Puerto Rican with little flags. Right, right, right.

That shit they did in the 70s when you were stuck out on the boat. I don't give a fuck. 25 grand, you know, so you got to think of all this shit. Puerto Rican with a flag. Yeah, you know, if you don't remember those guys. They would stand up there and give each other signals. All that shit went to the garbage. I'm an old man.

I want to know what I'm the Morse code. I was tremendous at Morse code. I was morse and motherfuckers in Australia. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. I knew Morse code when I was a kid. That's amazing. I was better at Morse code. To talk to people.

Who? I don't know. They would tick tics back. I don't know. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. In case you're a kid now by the enemy. Isn't that from a Titanic? Isn't that?

You had a Morse code thing in your house? Yeah. You send fucking signals to people. Oh my God. How old are you? That's amazing. I'm that old. I'm that fucking old

That I knew how to send more signals When you were in the 70s They taught you how to do that shit in grammar school I think Really? Yeah dot dot dot dot that you learned how to do the flags In case your boat Your boat broke down

You knew how to send signals How to do SOS I can even imagine you on a boat Yeah yeah You gotta learn all that shit As a kid in New York City But I wasn't fucking The king of Morse code

I could send out fucking Do you still know what you think? No I forgot all that shit And I used to know a pig Latin too When I was a kid Oh my god My mother taught me how to chitit, chita, chita, chito, all that shit. Lee, isn't it usually that L. Y to the end?

Something fucking crazy. No, but it was Spanish-wise. Oh, you're doing. You're doing Spanish pig Latin. Oh, my God. Chitit, chita, chita, chito, some fucking shit. I was all confused as a kid, sending more signals to people. Morse fucking code.

That was how bad to the bone I was. Tick, tick, tick. There was like a whole little chart, and you would just fuck with people and send them Morse code. they couldn't trace your calls. There was no call waiting. There was no nothing. This was straight up people would send.

I mean, we used to have one of those walkie-talkies where we'd sometimes get somebody on there. Do you remember the Pittsburgh Funny Bone? Yeah. The guy was a fucking pervert. Yeah. He was creepy. He had lawn furniture.

He had sued the Funny Bone and broke away from them. So he could do whatever the fuck you wanted. Oh, I didn't know that. So the whole bar was pictures of naked women, you know, artistically taken by him. But you could tell this motherfucker was Harvey Jr. Because he had a couple of them that had bushes and shit. But this guy...

I only went there with Rich. You only went there with Rich? Okay, he had a room. So, like Thursday, he was too cheap to pay the radio. But one guy liked them, and they put you like AM Sports. And then Friday, you went to his house and you got a CB. No. Dog, he had something like ham radio.

This is 1995. When the longest yard came out, I probably... probably went there from 95 to 98. What is he doing on a CB radio? He would sit there, and I remember I told him. I said, what time we'd do this? He had the first podcast. He had the first podcast and you didn't know it.

Like truckers and stuff? Something. Only three or four people would listen to it. I'm telling you, this is the truth in this basement. And we would sit there and it would come on AM and nobody would listen to it because I asked him. Like, and he would live in the people are like, no, it's terrible. He's terrible.

He doesn't know what he's doing. But I remember one of the last times I went there, we got in. to a fight over that podcast because I said, listen, we got to go eat. And he's like, I told you, and I go, I don't give a fuck what you told me. I took the earphones off. I said, throw me on. I don't give a fuck. Get me the fuck out of here.

I'm 40 years old on a CB ham radio to doing a fucking, there wasn't even a podcast. And it was 96 guys, 97, 98. I was like, get me the fuck out of here. And that was it. After that, he never booked me again. And then I heard he sold the club years later or something. Yeah, he had his own little radio station downstairs. in his house and he would talk to you about the funny bone his pictures and shit he was a creepy

fucking dude man i just want to know what you said to those poor people on morse code you probably i just imagine them the other end like who the fuck knows they would just get signals from me and panic this is for official business i used to fucking people at every age i was looking at my daughter i'm looking at my daughter last night she's five and a half she'll bet she's the cutest thing and i was thinking about when i was doing it five and a half i lived on 88 Street and my mother would give you remember yourself at five and a half well this could only be five and a half or six and a half right because that was still crazy it was before i was before i got hit the head with the lunchbox i got hitting the head with the lunch box in central park but we lived on 88 street

and my mother had a jukebox at the bar yeah so she would give me all the old records that they would take out of the bar and and there was and still to this day people send me pictures of two oh five West 88th Street. It's the corner building, but next to it was a parking garage. And we would play stickball on there and, you know, handball. And there was a sign that said fallout shelter. And we used it as a basketball thing, a hoop. You know, this is like...

It was a really fallout shelter? Yeah, the 80, in the 70s. When I got here from Cuba, everybody had a fallout shelter because, you know, the Russians. Right, right. Vaders. So every building would have a sign in front of it that said fallout shelter. And it would have like a radioactive sign. And that meant in case of something, you go downstairs to the basement, lock yourself in.

And they had like tang and vegetables in a can. Right, they're ready. Yeah, and then you come out when the apocalypse is over. Oh, my God. Yeah, so they had fallout shelters. And I'll never forget that. There was a garage. The kids would play stickball.

But the way my building was shaped, it was like it went up three stories, and on the third floor where I lived. Now I could see my neighbors that lived on the other side of the hallway. We could see that yard where they would play. I could see them and hear them, but they couldn't see me. So they'd be playing stickball, and I'd take those fucking 45s, those singles, and I'd whip them out the window. And by the time they got to the fucking bottom level, they're like a boomerang.

Oh, God, now it could decapitate somebody. Oh, my God. I'm surprised you're like our job from 007. I'm surprised you didn't take anyone's head off. I would sit there for like a three-minute run. I would just throw out singles out of the window. And the kids were yelling, Who the fuck is doing that?

Stop it! And also you'd be like, Right into the promotion. One time I went down, and I would do it, and then go downstairs and ask what happened. Oh. Gaslighting them.

Like, what's all the commotion about? Some fucking, somebody's throwing singles out the record. And they hit me in the head. I go, yeah, this is a crazy guy living up there. Oh, my God, that was such a fuck. I remember I shit my pants when time. And you were five and a half? You said five and a half of six, and I would not wipe my ass.

So my mom would take my underwear as a staple in to the front of my door, so I wouldn't bring my friends over. Oh, my God. And then I had to wipe my ass because I wouldn't wipe my ass. And she said, how do you not wipe your ass? I don't know, I forget. Some tough love there. And then she would go, okay, next time you fucking come up with a dirty underwear,

I'm hanging on the wall. I thought she was fucking around. Oh, my God. She stapled it on the top of the wall. That's such a mom thing. How long did it stay up there for? Like for a week, and every time I ship my pants, he would staple them up against the wall like a trophy for me to look at it.

How did you learn to wipe your ass? Not that, not like that. I can't imagine Mercy doing, Mercy's like a little kid. I can't imagine you throwing, did you ever get caught throwing the records? They never figured it out. Until I got, when I moved out of there,

until the day I moved out of there, I would wait until I have like 40 singles. And I would just do, I'd wait until there was a ton of kids out there on a Saturday playing and I just started whipping them out. Oh my God. And they would come around like flying saucers and you would hear the guys

fuck you. And then also in that hallway we were like fires. I was like a, not a pervert. Pyromania. I was a pyromaniac. Listeners, if any of your parents or anyone lived in that area

during that time, because someone has told the story about the records thing. Well, they're not 88th Street, the front, like, my father died when I was to read, Bonnie. I was lost. My mom was a single mom trying to do the best she could. You know, she owned the bar.

Right. She made good money. But those years I put her throughout. Like, I look at my daughter and go, I'm going to pay for all those sins. All those sins I did to my mom those years were fucking cruel, like the shit. You can only really come to terms of this shit when you have a kid, right? Then you start thinking about your mom in a different way. I really do.

I really do. I looked at it. Last night I was looking at it, I'm like, I remember throwing singles out the back fucking window. Like, and then going downstairs and people be cut. The heads would be cut. So what would you set on fire? I would set newspapers on fire. Anything I could set on fire in those days. I love fire, too. As a kid, I loved fire. And I would set fire to everything. Like, anything I could light on fire around the corner, I had a lighter. I'd figure out how to get a lighter, and I would light a fire.

Like the kids that I hung out with on 140. Any time I saw a lighter laying around, I stole that shit. Yeah. So one day there was behind that building, the building next to it, if you went around the back, there was stared down to the basement. And we would go back there and do shit. And one day I'd start a fire. Me and like two other kids, three other kids.

And we put a bunch of newspaper back there. We lit this fire. And in those days, I would light a fire and pee on it. Like, I was buck wild and turned the fire off. And this one day I lit this fire in like this, this, hallway. Like, it was just a single person could walk down the stairs and it was outside. It wasn't inside the building.

Before I fucking knew it, the fire just blew up. And I'm out of piss. Like, I'm out of piss. And all my buddies are out of piss. And we're like, what are we going to do? And get the fuck out of you. And I don't forget running upstairs and locking myself in the door and watching the fire department go back there and turn off the fucking fire.

Like, we were crazy. Turn off the fire. I like how you make it sound so easy. It was just a little fire. Like nobody got a fire. heard or nothing like that. It was just a stairway. They just ignited. We put like a tree. Every day we got a little cocky. Jesus. Yeah, I was a little pirate.

Your entire plan was just to pee on it. That too, but I was just a little pyro. I loved it. What do you got with your daughter? We got time here. I just got to make sure I got that. Because Rich really, you know, he called me before coming in. He said, talk about the roast. He said, if you don't talk about the roast, I'm going to kill you. The roast is on the line. The roast is fucking hilarious. Ross roast.com. Yeah, it's fucking hilarious.

Yeah, so for his 60th birthday, we did a roast of him with all his friends, Jim Norton. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's tremendous. And whatever, I don't know, he wants, I don't know what to say about it. It was good. It was really good. I re-tweeted it from, I bought it. I think it was $5, $4, $3. Yeah, it's on Vimeo.

It's $5 to rent it, but you might as well buy it for $10 because you're going to watch it a couple times. Yeah, my wife even wants. My wife is a big Rich Voss fan. She's an American Indian. What? Right? So one night, me and my wife were having a regular conversation. We were dating in the living room.

There was no kid in our future. I think I was still doing blow and I'm ready to go out. And Rich Voss is on some, you know, Colin Quinn show, that show. Yeah, yeah, tough crowd. And he's talking shit about something. And he goes, I did, when I was a kid, the teacher would tell me to go lay down in this stuff. No, it goes Indian style. So I would go lay in the gutter with a bottle or something like that.

Get a bottle and lay in the car. And you're having a conversation with somebody and like you both hear something. Yeah. Like we both heard it. And I didn't want to laugh because she's American Indian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we both busted out. And ever since then, Rich is like my wife's favorite fucking comedy.

That's crazy. See, that goes against everything we've been taught recently. Yeah, no, no. My wife fell in love with Rich after that joke. And then Rogan told me a couple things about Caroline that Rich said one night, like a long time. ago that today rich would have got thrown out in prison yeah if he would have said this joke but rogan said that it was him and rich and rich went up to rogan and goes watch this oh it was one of those things like rogan rich went up to row and watch this

isn't it funny that fucking uh are you sure you should say this what's the chick that i forgot who i forget the joke i'm just going to kill it so forget about well he's i know like uh you know, actually for the roast, we went and interviewed Rich's friends. And, you know, because everybody hated Rich when they first met him. And so we made this little video of, you know, them saying that the first time they met Rich. And, you know, it's like there's so many black comics that were like, I saw him on stage. I said, who's this fucking white guy? Because he used to do all black rooms, you know.

That's where he started. And he would beat him up. And he would go after him, this little fucking Jew. and they said they'd watch him for a few minutes and then they'd go oh this guy's got fucking balls and they'd like him after that you know that's what it is i think that's his appeal is that he just i even see it now with these you know politically correct audiences is that rich goes up and then they try to bully you you know into to to not saying or doing what they think you shouldn't say or do and that noise doesn't bother rich he doesn't care he doesn't hear it or

He doesn't notice it and he just does what he wants to do. And at some point, the audience just goes, nah, oh, well, he's not going to change. I don't know if they know. Rich is the type of comic, but if you turn on him, Richard just step on the pedal a lot harder. Yeah. He's the old school type. Oh, you didn't like that joke? Yeah.

Well, I got another one to really get your panties on fire. And if your cunt wife don't like that joke, wait a joke after that one. Yeah. She's going to shit her fucking pants. You might as well leave right now. Once you have that type of, he's been doing it 30 years too. He's got funny in his bones, man. Yeah, he's been doing a dirty year now.

Yeah, yeah. He can do any room at any time. It doesn't matter. He'll do any room, spin it, torture him, take him through different emotions. That's what you do at that level. At that level, you take them, you're controlling him like a puppeteer. You could really control him. You can push him a little bit.

Listen, all my audiences, like, when you just said them about politically incorrect, I don't give a fuck about them. Right. So at some point, they'll come around because they're like, well, I guess that. That's the, I guess this guy's, yeah. You're saying ABC, bitch. Yeah. And you know what?

You got stuck on the wrong channel. Like, when you get stuck on Telemundo and you can't find the remote. When you get stuck on telemundo and you can't find the remote, you don't know what the fuck's going on. Why won't this lady stop speaking Spanish on my TV? Yeah, yeah. That's me on stage. I don't give a fuck. I'm not going to stop.

You know, whether it's the comedy store, you know, I'm doing a laugh factory with Dom tomorrow. You stumble in there tomorrow night. You're a tourist, you know, and you're like, oh my God, this is where Deng, Deng, you're should be seeing that stuff. You should be seeing a variety of things. I cannot. I cannot. I have to.

Stay at home if you wanted to be safe. Do you know what the fuck I was doing 36 years ago? It wasn't putting my hand on women's mounts. It was fucking going to gay clubs and getting drugs. It was robbing drug dealers. There was not a fucking day of peace. Right. I quit high school in 81.

I quit high school in October of 81. That was, that started a two-year thing. I ended with me robbing a fucking jewelry store and going to Sarasota, Florida. Oh, my God. This was just, yes, that's what I was doing in 1980. But you never went to jail? I went to jail in 87, 88. I got arrested in Colorado.

Secondary of a big, but it was kidnapping and aggravated robbery. Oh, shit. I went deep like rich. You just go deep on those drugs. And then, you know, you wake up one day and whatever, but you can't come to me now and say that I robbed you with a fucking, I robbed you. Georgie Amico's gas station with a water pistol in 1981. With a water pistol? Yeah, with a water pistol?

Would you paint a water pistol? I took a water pistol and just put tape around it. I took a tape. You make it look shiny. They don't know. And you drill out the hole. Oh, my God. You drill out the hole in the middle.

Because a lot of times people show up with the gun with the little... The orange thing. Yeah, with the orange thing. And you've got a smack for the fucking mouth. How long are you in town for it, Bonnie? I leave Friday morning. Are you doing any spots while you're here? I'm doing some spots.

of the store, doing a couple at the improv, and I'm doing just a bunch of meetings and stuff and promoting boss roast.com. Boss, and my wife hates me podcast. My wife hates me, yeah, we still do that.

How many times a week do you put one on? We do two. We do one for Patreon and one regular. Okay. You like doing podcasts? You're great on them. I don't mind doing them. I mean, I think like when Rich and I do it,

Sometimes I get embarrassed. Like I feel like we're putting all our shit out there. He loves it. He doesn't care. He's got no boundaries, you know. You can't. And sometimes during it, I'm fine. Then after sometimes I lay on my bed and go,

what did we talk about? Like, we'll have full-blown fucking marital fights on that podcast. That's what it's all about. That's what people want to hear. I know. That's what people want to hear. That's why people tune in. I know, but I want to be cool.

Listen, nobody wants to talk about the couple that takes that kid to the pool and their life is out. that's just on fucking television that doesn't exist and people going through that right now so when you guys are actually going through that people listen to you going fuck I thought my marriage was bad oh my god I think we do

people write me all the time and say like I hugged my wife today you know they feel bad we make people feel better about their marriage but you know we've been we've been married 13 years and you know it's sometimes I see other people get divorced they say

what the fuck how does that happen though we're still together. But you know what it is? He just still really fucking makes me laugh that guy. Even in the middle of a fight sometimes, we'll both just bust out laughing. Then we'll get right back to the fight. We don't let go of it.

You look happy. You look great, man. He's a good guy. Yeah, he's a good guy. God bless him. I'm 55 and I'm like, do I really want to be doing comedy at 61? God bless him.

I called him a few weeks ago. He never wants to quit. No, he was somewhere. He had just, He said, I called me and just got him to Kentucky. Yeah. He was pissed. Yeah.

He was pissed. And I made him laugh. And I felt it's so good. Yeah. Because he was like, I'm fucking in Kentucky. I don't know what's going on. I'm like, that's a great club. Yeah.

That's a great club comedy on Broadway. That's a tremendous little club. They got ducks outside. What are you pissed off by? They got a little pond with ducks. What do you got to be pissed off about? You got the world by the balls? He loves Bain on stage.

You like New York living in New York? You miss L.A. at all? You have regrets? I do miss L. Sometimes. But, no, I have no regrets. I, you know, there was a lot, you know, I had just done an HBO special and then I moved to the middle of New Jersey and had a baby.

And sometimes I feel like that was probably not the best career move. But then I came around to like, I have all this, you know. I mean, I really do have a nice life. I have a, you know, when you stop comparing yourself to others, I know that sounds so fucking cheesy. But you really do so to realize like, oh my God, I got all. all this free time during the day to write. And, you know, I did all this stuff one day. I was like, went to the dry cleaners.

And I just was doing errand after air. And I told Rich all the things I did. And I said, I just stopped. And I was like, oh, my God, people do that and have a full-time job. You know, it's like, it's like really, you know. But, you know, my day doesn't stop either. I mean, my day doesn't stop. Today, I had a great night sleep last night.

Oh, my God. I didn't move for like eight hours. Nice. Those are rare. I took a nap in the afternoon. I fell asleep on the plane on the way back from Boston. But last night was just brilliant. And I got up this morning with venom in my eyeballs.

Why? No, it wasn't a bad mood. I was a phenomenal mood. But I was fucking ready to go. Yeah, yeah. Stop. I went from one move to the next, to the next to the next acupuncture. I knew you were going to call me.

As soon as I fucking laid down, he goes, you want to get that? And I go, no, I know who the fuck of it is already. After 12 third ended. I go, no, because I was going in there. After I fly, I usually go to acupuncture on Monday. And it works? Yeah, he cleans me the fuck out. He even told me, he goes, oh, yeah, I can tell you.

Because he does the computer, you hold the two magnetos at first, and then he goes through your body, and he could tell me what's going on. He said, you got the problem there, you digest him, yeah, because I travel. My friend swears by it, I got to try that. This is probably 13 years I'm on it now. Wow. My ankles, when I first started going, my ankle. ankles are really thick. I had a problem with circulation.

And that's the money. That's why those Chinese people leave to be on. That's why they smoke more cigarettes than us, but there's less cancer there. Because their bodies are more oxygen-neged. Plus, they do that Tai Chi. They just go outside and push the air. That's got to do something for you, that Tai Chi shit. You look beautiful.

You know, I'm happy. You're still doing your fucking thing, you know? I like doing stand-up. You know, I still do it every weekend. Now, right now, like, look at the life you're living. When you trade that in to be Amy Schumann to put a fucking a target on your back. Well, you know, I thought about it. I could never be that.

I just know I could never be that. I don't want that. I never wanted that. I was, when I got into comedy, it was just to save me. I didn't expect anything or whatever. Everything has been a cherry on a Sunday, you know, so I take it for what is right now. You know, they're like, oh, after Netflix comes out, I go, listen, I'm still sticking to the same schedule. Right.

I had to tell everybody the agency and men, like, it's great. Well, that's the thing. You've got to push so hard to get to that level. I'm still sticking to the same level because that's the level that I work at the best. Right. You know. That's where you're, because for me, it's about being creative. I want to just be creative.

Every time I want to go on stage, I want to feel enthusiastic about it. It's like that dude. I watched that Molly's game and she quotes that dude. She goes, success is moving from area to area with full enthusiasm. Yeah. And it really is. Tuesdays and Mondays you do a podcast. Fucking great.

I wouldn't even consider doing stand-up today. I don't care what you're paying me. I'm focused on a fucking podcast today. So Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, those are my podcast days. Right. And then, you know, on the weekend you do comedy. And then for a week, I'm a fucking dad straight. Right.

I'm at karate. I'm a fucking pool. So, and I'm enthused at every level. How many times you sit at your daughter's thing when she was a kid going? What am I doing in my life? an hour fucking ballet class I yeah I wasn't that thrilled about the dance class all that shit

but guess what you gotta do that you know what I see you know what it refills you refueles you when I sit there with her after 20 minutes I go what the fuck am I doing my life I get material I think of things yes I got a lot of material plus that's what she likes she gets older she's gonna be such a great sounding like I've always wanted a friend that just

hung out and you do bits all day with and that's what I have I have an 11 that loves fucking doing bits all day, you know. So it's like we go to the park, we hang out. You're pushing her into comedy? No, no, no. I don't think kids, I don't like, I don't like when kids want to be in show business. I don't like it either.

Thank God we agree. I don't know. I don't like it. It's fucking creepy. Yeah. And it grips these fucking kids out forever. It's too creepy. Yeah.

Even three years on a sitcom for these kids is traumatizing. They see a world from a different view. They have, they have, they've, it's like it, it fucks with this. natural order of things. Adults aren't supposed to be talking to you and hanging on your every word like you're the smartest person in the room, you know. And when you're the star of a show, even if you're only 14, that's what everybody does. You know, their jobs depend on it. What days is the podcast come out? Well, it doesn't matter. You know, we don't, we just do it whenever we can do it and put it out. So one a week, you know, usually it's Wednesday or Thursday, but. And you have a lot of

dates coming up? You know, I work mostly in New York on the the weekends. And in the New York area. Yeah. You stay Jersey. You do the Ardy Lang tour. Yeah. Arly Lang, this works every week in Jersey.

I don't know how to fucking does it. Him and the Reverend. Bob Levy. They're fucking savages. You know, they're in Baskin. I think Bob Levy's the way. He's the driving force of that train. Is he really?

Yeah, I think he is. He's a savage. They're savages. They're in Jersey. Every fucking week, I love it. Yeah. Like, if I live in Jersey, I would go on their tour. Yeah.

That's it. It's a tour of Jersey. Every week you're in some. fucking different neighbor in Jersey. And Jersey's not what it used to be either. There's some politically correct motherfuckers now in Jersey. I used to always say this. I think, I think Jersey still is,

nobody's ever been like, oh, about a joke in Jersey. And I still feel like that's true. How about in Hoboken? This is a Hoboken, too. Hoboken's got a lot of comedy? Do they have a weekly thing? Yeah, they have some weekly shit there.

But still, the club is a stress factory in New Jersey. No, I love it. I have a show there once a month. The first, I'm actually supposed to be there on the third, but the first Wednesday of every month. You have a show there? Yeah, with Allie Mae. Okay. Good for you, Bonnie.

It was great to see you. Thank you for having me on. This is awesome. When you were a young girl, I spoke to fucking your husband, and he told me you were coming out, and I go, listen, you know, she's always welcome. I love to see you. He's always booking me on things. God bless him.

No, thank God. He's the best. You know, you're great, and I haven't seen you, and it's weird that. We talked about Ralphie a little bit, and we found out that this week is his one-year anniversary. Yeah, on the 6th, right? So it was a bittersweet to even do the podcast. We'll dedicate it to him.

Dedicated to Ralphie, man. So it was great to see you again. I'll see you, motherfucker, this next weekend in West Palm Beach. I'm just doing Friday and Saturday. And two weeks after that, the 25th of the 27th. I'm at hilarities in Cleveland with my main man, George Perez. All right, I want to thank Bonnie McFarlane for coming. And then don't forget, she's over at the Stress Factory, the first Wednesday of very much.

She's a sweetheart. I'm so happy we got her on the show today. But let me talk to you real quick about something. Sure, watching football is fun, but it's more entertaining when you have some action on the games, all right? Listen, I used to be like a part-time degenerate gambler. I don't like paying the bookmaker. It was between snort and coke or paying the bookie, so I decided to snort Coke. But I can't watch a game if I don't bet it.

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Kick this fucking meal, Lili.