The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #624 - Wheeler Walker Jr.

Episode Date: October 9, 2018

Wheeler Walker Jr, a country music singer and the host of "The Wheeler Walker Jr. Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Wheeler's new album, 'WW3," will be released November 30, 2018.  This podcast is brought to you by:   MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Deposit after 7pm EST and they will give you another $25 in free play.   23andme.com - 23andMe is a DNA testing service that can offer you insights on to how your DNA can influence your weight, sleep quality and much more. Order your 23andMe health and ancestry kit at 23andMe.com/church    Recorded live on 10/08/2018.

Greetings from Podcastville. The church of what's happening now is right. I fucking stuttered there. I sound that I leave. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by 23 and Me. 23 and Me is DNA testing service that can offer insights into your ancestry, your health, your wellness, and different traits. The 23MMe Health and Ancestry Service includes reports on how your DNA can influence your weight,

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And at the promo code church You play, you win, you get paid Take this fucking Mulee Oh shit A little prince Deep from the trenches of death It's a church of what's happening now Tuesday

November 9th, the day the devil was buried in seat. Here we go. When was the last time you heard this motherfucker tune here? Violins, black people, tremendous. None like black people and violins to bring together a Sunday afternoon. Babe, baby. Oh shit. This is church of what's happening now.

Kick that, Mulele. Oh shit. Wheeler, they don't make music. this no more dog he's putting his heart in for this fucking thing here we go this is real viking in music you can feel the passion of his voice people live live you know that if you don't have passion like this and what you're doing fucking shoot yourself you understand me are you fucking nuts when i heard this the other night i almost fucking got heroin like i was fucking itching it took me fucking back to my teenage

885, tremendous. Wheel of Walker, ladies and gentlemen, the flying Jew and your uncle fucking Joey on a Tuesday morning. What up, baby boy. I miss you, man. I miss you too. Good to be here, man.

It's great to fucking have you. We didn't get you stone tonight, so there's no misunderstanding. Yeah, I'm all good. Yeah, I got the fucking weed, the fucking cavillow fucking smoke before he choked that bitch that man. Because nobody talked about weed.

That's what happened. Well, I like your tweet where you said, ask her if he had a big dick, you know? Yeah, what the fuck? Have you seen his dick? tell me what's color the fucking scabbers yeah you know what's saying you ever see that movie porkies yeah porky's one of the great i know he didn't see it he was too busy watching orange is the new purple kim kentrell is getting fucked in the locker room the chick i don't think was alive yet but

the chick from the sex in the city is getting fucked in the locker room and this shows these girls taking a shower and it shows like their tits and they're all washing themselves and there's a hole in the wall and a guy put his dick in the hole in the wall it's fucking hilarious you know you're a kid It came out like an 84. And the next scene is the chick, the chubby fucking lesbian gym teacher with the principal and the guy. And they're going, so what do you want us to do? And she's like, I want you to put an end to this. Somebody has to find this penis.

And he goes, what do you want to do? You got a sign and put, have you seen this penis? You never saw that movie? I saw, but I remember that. See Porky's penis scene. It is fucking legendary Because they're howling at this poor woman to her face It was just like what happened

At the Senate committee hearings They were just laughing at it Like she's like you know I want to get to the bottom of this I want to find this dick Or she kept calling her penis And they're like so what do you want us to do Find the dick

Put Porky's Penis scene Or dick seen whatever Whatever works Can they show fucking penis on YouTube Maybe not Like, does Tallywacker scene? Yes, yes, that's the one.

Tallywackers. You kept calling him Tallywacker. Oh, no. And he's like, so what do you want us to do? This is one of the greatest fucking scenes. Yeah, right there, Porky's. Tallywacker. Let's see if they fucking even show it.

Mr. Carter, I know this is completely out of the house, but I think this is the only way to fall. Look at his face. and he's trying to recognize that penis anywhere and side of the jewel must know there's some this is a serious matter and he's trying to tell the kid not to laugh

look seducing and spoiler must be stuck he's extremely dangerous and Mr. Carver I'm certain that everyone in this room knows who that is he's a contemptible little bird

who has found me and look at the gym teacher and the other guy are fucking howling. But I've got him now and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers. She grabbed the guy's dick in the shower. Oh no. Look at the principal's face. He's dying a laugh.

Look at the other two dudes. It's like George Jones up there. Oh, huh, huh. He's dying to laugh. Look at him. He's holding his breath. As distasteful as good is. That's that chicken, the fucking telling Cabinor he showed his dick.

What? I feel like the guy with the black hair is you in school. Look at him. That's comedy. Myself, I can to imagine what the law of education is saying. If you were granted a liner, in order to examine the law. That private power, that intimidating mode.

Watch this, he says. Have you seen this break? Look at his face, not the principal. Look at the principal. That's comedy guys, right there. Look at him how he's holding it in. He's fucking dying inside. And that kid won't stop torturing him.

that's the video you guys got to see. Porkies, the Tallywack the scene. Then they focus on... This is the fucking real directing. This is... As stupid as this movie was. I remember... I remember watching for the tits.

This always came on like at 11-11.30 in 1984. Like, because they did something. They did something. They showed your tits. And the chick from sex in the city, every time she fucked, she would yell loud. She would moan loud.

Oh. So the old lady on Sexner City, her, she was in this movie, Porky's. Fucking tremendous. I got to rewatch it, man. There's two good movies that came out at the same time. The one before this was called Hollywood Nights. In fact, I'm doing something for the guy, Mike, whatever. He's in that movie.

He's directing something for the comedy store, like a Showtime documentary. Mike Binder, his name is. He had a show on HBO called Mind of a Married Man. He was New Bomb Turks' buddy in that movie, Hollywood Nights, which they pretty much cast out of the comedy store in 1982. That's how long Mike Bind has been around. So those two movies. What are you shooting for them? Like a documentary about the movie?

About the comedy store. About the comedy store. It's a five-hour documentary, and they're going to interview comics that are there before. Where is it going to come out? Do you know? I have no fucking idea. What's with the question? I don't know.

I'm asking the questions. They tell me to be there. They do a contract. I go down there. I talk for an hour when I get the fuck out of there. I don't give a fuck. How the fuck are you?

You're on tour with Kid Rock. Tour and got a new album coming out. I'm doing these West... I'm bummed you're not doing these West Coast dates with me, man. Yeah, no, because I've canceled on Portland last year because I had the ear problems. So that's the date I'm in Portland. Yeah, it's a bummer.

I mean, I'm going to miss you on those, but it'll be fun. Are you here for the L.A. show? Can you and Lee come out again? I don't know what night the L.A. show is. You have to tell me. I don't remember. Maybe it's at the Novo downtown.

I want to say November 20. I leave on Thursday. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I think it's Thursday. I think it is Thursday. Trust me. We're fucked that weekend. You know, bro, every weekend that I'm out is the weekend with something good is happening.

Like this weekend I was home for Conno McGregor and whatever. But usually I'm on the road. I just got invited to see Skinner in Nashville. I'm going to be out of time for that. That bumped me out. Yeah, it's always something. And people have no idea. what your schedule consists of.

They have no idea. I would love to go see Judas Priest and fucking and whatever. They were talking about Mike, whatever was talking about today on the radio. How different it is that Judas Priest opens up for smoke on the water. Whatever the fuck that band is.

Who did smoke on the water? You don't remember now? Jesus fucking. I'm blanking, man. You didn't even smoke referee. You're the fucking... Deep purple. Deep purple, that's right.

They were talking about the comparisons about Deep Purple, why Deep Purple's closing the tour, that people are going to see Judas Priest and leaving. Oh, yeah, where's this? They're doing something. I think the LA, the L.A. something, I don't know what the fuck of this. I think it could have happened already.

But I was like, when people invite me to shit, you know, there's one week that I have three days in town. So I have to accomplish everything I do in five days. Yeah, that's the thing people don't understand is these long weekends. long weekends kill you but two long weekends you all sudden everyone's like oh you only have to work weekends too long weekends you're in town two days you know and it used to be a longer week for comedy like when i got into comedy it was tuesday through sunday you know what that's like by fucking oh i've done it man so by saturday you don't want to even

fucking crack a joke well i mean i'm actually happy that we're even when i do have to do wednesday or something i mean we used to do we used to go out do 28 dates in a row so i'm actually happy where we are now. You know, looking back at all that shit, like I love all that stuff. I could, there was a time when I could do that. I remember when I was a kid, there was 50-50 tour. What's that guy? Dun-d-d-d-dan-can-dan-can-dah. He does like a rockabilly type music. He's been around since I was a fucking kid, that guy. Who? I can't fuck. Joe Didley? No, no, he's a white dude. George Steregoard? George Darogood. George Darogood, one year in 82, maybe 81 to the 50-50, 50 states, and

50 fucking days. How the fuck do you do that, man? How do you do that, man? Well, I don't know how, I mean, I'm at the age now where I don't know how the fuck I did this shit I did last year. Like, how'd I get through those shows? I don't even know. You know, you love something enough, like you love it, but then you have to look at your time.

Yeah. And what goes with that time, you know? It's just too much time away from home, you know. And you don't have a kid. No, I have a son now. Do I tell you that? Yeah. I didn't know that.

That's what my new record's about. Congratulations. WW3. How old is it? He's six months. Yeah, so you know how it is. Yeah, I mean, I can't keep, but as he gets older, you don't want to be, no matter how famous you get, you don't want to be that type of dad.

Yeah, I mean, I feel, I don't want to be on that. You don't want to be that type of dad. But I don't want to be yet a kid rock. I mean, nothing is kid rock, but I don't want to be playing kid rock shows, my kids growing up. No, no, no, but even if you go out on your own, no matter what, you know, and you, I mean, you have to keep the lights on. Yeah. But I, right now it's how it pays the bills, but yeah, I know what you're saying.

Like, every weekends of, is. It's torture. You know, look at these older rock stars now. Yeah, they go out, but they play every other night. They're on testosterone. You know, they're doing their body. You can't drink and. Can you imagine if you were drinking and snorting going out?

You know, I know dude, I mean, I don't know him, but, you know, the big guys now, they do private planes to every show. Yeah, yeah. And I think, I don't want to say Kid Rock does to every, but he flies into a lot of this show. I think he does, at least. You live and drive? No, I think he flies into the shows. I don't want to speak for him, but I think.

That seems like the thing that would make it a thousand times easier. If you didn't have to wake up early, you could just get on the plane, no security. Yeah, you don't have to, and that's a big thing. You don't have to go through airports. But, yeah, the big, I heard, you know, a lot of the big bands, some of the, like the biggest bands, they walk back, show ends, they walk backstage, get on a plane. They sleep in their bed every night.

We have a friend of chemo who does security for slash. And, you know, whenever he comes to town for Guns and Roses, he always call. Fuck, I wish I'd seen that reunion tour. Yeah, he goes, you're invited, whatever. And it's weird. I've had conversations with him. And he said down on this last Guns and Roses tour, he didn't even see Axel Rose until, like, the second or third month, that they fly independently. Oh, I believe.

Yeah, my last. Their money is just so insane. They just get there on their own. They check into whatever. You see him on stage. Oh, yeah. You see them on stage. They high five.

Nobody's getting high no more. Nobody's drinking. So everybody goes back to their fucking room and plays the guitar and takes a Xanax and goes to sleep. And they get up and they don't see each other. I believe it. You know, you're at a certain level. I mean, I wish I could do what I was doing in my 30s now.

I wish I could leave on Wednesday and come back on Sunday and take three plans in between. Now, it's like that Penn's all commercial. You either going to pay me now or are you going to pay me later? because it drags with you. Even if you get off the plane, do a little workout, drink water, get a good night's sleep. Well, this trip for me, not to interrupt, it's like, you know, it's just a couple, I have come here for a couple days of meetings.

Then I fly back to Nashville, and two hours after I get back, I get on the bus because I get to drive overnight to Atlanta to play that night. Which is fine. I mean, you listen, it's the life I chose, but it's still a bit much. I need more than two hours. Did you watch Stephen Tyler on Stephen Perry, Stephen Tyler on Rogan? Yeah, yeah. Did you see his fucking schedule? 68 no it's crazy yeah I mean it's crazy I actually watched some of his

Netflix special which wasn't that great but it was it was him trying to do country you know but it was you know it was kind of just it was puff you know wasn't great but yeah I mean Stephen Tyler was in the 68 years old he was talking about his schedule you're sitting there going holy fuck I thought I had it tough this guy is on the move and he writes everything down he was and he still seem pretty I mean he did a lot of drugs but he seemed with it to me yeah all those guys Listen, that was just a period in that time. Whoever, that guy's essence, when you watch him on Rogan that day, his essence came through like no guest Rogan ever had.

You could tell that Johnny Depp's full of shit when you see this guy. He's the original Johnny Depp. Oh, yeah. I mean, I was going to say my favorite music guest he's had recently, that, and I thought James Hatfield from Metallica was awesome. James Hatfield was great on him. Like those two guys, you don't see him talk like that. No, but Stephen Tyler took me to a, like when he started talking about the chick, from Beaumont, Texas

that owed you know, there was three people OD'd Morrison fucking Hendricks and the chick What was her name? Janice Joplinz?

Janice Jopper He said he went to see Janice Joppa and listen if you listen to the early albums those yells are Janice Joppa Oh yeah,

I never thought about that I want to welcome Lee's fly he finally got here your pet fly Lee's got a pet fly You got a pet fly man

you go a year without seeing this somebody It's a service fly He has a certificate. Then you find out he's a fucking... Fucking pet fly because he eats hummus and lives on his neck. He's like, fucking, that's that dude that lives in a pineapple. I can't eat hummus because I'm worried Joe is going to come to my house one day and find hummus.

I know you eat it. No, I don't. You eat hummus every day. Check my fridge. Trust me. You eat hummus every day. That's why you drink the fries. A great debate.

Eat that hummus. Wait till fucking ISIS comes over. At this point, I'll give ISIS your address. Shit. They're not coming over in my house because I don't eat hummus. Is that what I'm that? Is that where they go? Where the hummus is?

No, that's the people who like them, I guess. But anyway, like, can you explain to people? Because, I mean, I had a regular job, but the most recent out of us three, like, there's people who work 40 hours a weekend. They're like, oh, I'd love to just sit on a plane and then sit on a hotel and then go do that. But, like, it's more tiring than it sounds. Like, just travel. I mean, here's the thing.

Here's what you're saying, and I agree 100%. I used to be a kid watching the people on TV complain about. their schedule and I would get so fucking pissed at them I go I would give my fucking nut left nut to have that life but it's just you know and I'm not complaining I love it but it's just I'm not complaining about my skin I love what I do I love being busy

and I love not having time for stupidity oh that's there's nothing I love more than how I got all the stupidity out of my life but like you were we were talking about before the show I mean there's the people the lazy fucks who just who want to just take shortcuts ain't no fucking short cuts

there's no shortcuts and you see it over the years that people keep attacking them and you see the people that keep attacking shortcuts and after a while you have to stay away from them because that's all they are is a fucking shortcut you know I'm not complaining at all about my schedule I love

that you know what pisses me off what's that wasted time yeah exactly no I agree the time I wasted over the years that's what pisses me off today when everybody in this room that's what I try to tell you people with this fucking stupid podcast as stupid as stupid as this

thing is I'm 55 I go on the road I got a nice family whatever but there was a lot of wasted time there was 20 years of wasted time that I was there was there was 20 you I did garbage garbage watching drugs drugs the movie watching the sports that there was so many things that didn't matter that you don't know till you're 55 yeah but I think the drugs and alcohol is what does it I mean, you don't sit around when you're motivated and sober watching movies all day. Let me tell you some. I've always been a motivated guy because when I was 16, my mother died. And when I was 20, I realized that you're alone in this world.

So get that out of the way right there. I was always a hustler, a wheeler dealer. I was always up to something. But I could sit there for 10 hours and watch movies. 12 hours. I could watch a Charles Bronson festival by myself. It was okay. I learned a few things.

I got into the business, so it wasn't a waste of time. It's research. But, you know, that's why when I see young kids and they tell me they go home for a sport day, like I'm sitting here watching knowing I'm going to, I don't get it. Because once you really get into life and once you find what you love, that shit don't matter. Like, none of that shit matters. Yeah, I mean, I think the only thing that it can get in the way of your private life, I think, when you get too obsessed with it, don't you think?

Well, I always think of women. I always think of women If I was a woman And I dated a guy And if he broke my balls on Sunday Then he had to go sit with other guys at a bar To watch a game That guy would be dumped

Like I would dump that fucking guy as a woman You know any guy that's above fucking 30 That comes to me and says as a woman He has to play softball with his buddies He's gone Yeah He's history Like I don't believe

I've never believed in a lot of stuff I don't believe in watching cartoons After a certain age I don't watch the same since I don't watch shit I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck you watch cartoons when you're a fucking kid You want to put a superman on when you're a shirt on when you're 25 go choke yourself You're not doing nothing for yourself you know what I always I already knew that Like at 26 and 27 like I had stopped watching football Like I remember sitting in a bar and with my friends watching football and going

What the fuck is happening in my life? There's guys gotta be something i could be doing and sitting here waiting for drug delivery and watching football but i was homeless at the time and i had no choice yeah and i couldn't i couldn't i couldn't wait to get out of hanging out in bars i couldn't wait when i left in eighty four i couldn't i was 21 and i didn't want to walk into another bar ever again like i was contented 21 not to walk into a bar I never really did. I'm kind of the same way as you.

It's like, you know, sometimes I'll be on the bus Sunday driving back from the Saturday night gig. It's like an all-day bus ride. And your instinct sometimes to complain about it, but then you think, like, I worked my fucking ass off for this and it's a nice fucking bus, you know? It's not a big, you know, what the fuck do I need? Need to be at home doing the same fucking shit? One of my favorite videos of all time is Bon Jovi deader a lot.

because they show him on the bus after a show wiping his face. And I remember being a civilian, like selling cars. I'm watching that video. My dick getting hard. Because I was saying that's what life on the road is like. And I remember being on Greyhound buses going, Bon Jovi did it. You know, like that. Well, that's the thing, too, is, you know what, to me, the great equalizer of tour buses are?

You know, there's not a bus in the world that you can take a shit on. You know, you guys know that, right? You cannot shit on a tour bus. Why can't you shit on a tour bus? Because where the fuck is it going to go? You can't dump it out on the fucking highway. You can't fucking keep it in that thing. The whole bus is going to smell like shit.

So it doesn't matter how fucking rich you are. Ain't no shitting on the tour bus. So you can be fucking aerosmith. You can be fucking Wheel of Walker Jr. No matter what. Is that like a code amongst musicians? Yes. Really?

So I got to fuck this shit at 4 in the morning. Because I lived in an RV for a while. And I take ginormous shits in there. In the RV? Fuck yeah. Then once a week you take it to some place and some guy that gets $8.000 now. It puts a hose on the fucking thing. But ain't no.

But you weren't living with five fucking people. I was living with a girl in an RV. And it smelled like shit? No, it smelled like fucking tropical paradise. Yeah, it smelled like fucking shit. Yeah, exactly. Well, I mean, I'm selling the bus. I don't want someone else to do.

No, that's how I feel. That's when people ask me today, do you want to go on a tour bus? I go first off, I don't want to smell another man's feet. I already did time When you do time You smell men's feet And then you smell men's assholes You just smell it in the air

Because there's people don't want to take showers I can't live with that You know that's my thing now It's just like your whole life My whole life now is revolved on How the fuck and where the fuck I'm gonna take a shit But like I said it's worth it

But aren't tour bus is really expensive They can't You can take a shit on a tour bus I'm just saying there's eight guys on a tour bus If I got to stop Every time somebody needs to take a shit we're never going to get nowhere no no you guys look it up ain't no tour bus you can shit

on some of them so I think there's some where they chop it up I'm not kidding and like listen Ralphie May had a tour bus if anybody had a shit it was that motherfucker okay rest in peace yeah well he bought what's his name's old tour bus the guy that plays well I just I was barefoot up on stage Dave Matthew

Dave Matthew so I just um so we just we rent tour bus every weekend we just had Axel Rose's old tour bus no shitting on that Is there a toilet? It's a toilet. Yeah, you can't piss. Yeah, listen.

Let me tell you something. I can never be in a band because I shit four or five times a day, especially with coffee. So if I got to pull over, after the third time, I'm shitting in that bathroom. When you flush it and you light incense and you come out, I don't want to smell nobody else's shit. I never do. That's why I don't go to the bathroom at the airport. You ever walk into the bathroom at the airport in five in the morning? It's like a tornado of 18 different shits going on.

I mean, I go there. Your nose can't even handle it. No, I'm with you. I mean, I'm with you. You go in there. It's fucking horrible. But when you got to go, yeah, I'm with you. I mean, I've shit in some fucking crazy places this past year.

Place I never thought I would even, I don't know how I did it, but when you got to go that fucking bad. I was one of those kids that used to hold on to stuff. And then I got sick. And then I made it a habit just to shit when I had this shit. And it started the night that Freddie Prince killed himself. 19 whatever I was walking home it was fucking freezing and we used to cut through the cemetery

and we'd see devil worshipers through there doing shit and they chase us and shit and one not I had a shit and I went in there and I'll never forget taking that shit and looking back and the guy had been buried like in 1891 I'm like nobody visits this guy you know what I'm saying like who visits this guy he ain't got nobody left

this part of New Jersey like North Bergen where I would cut through the projects was old it was old and I remember that was the first time I took a shit outside and I pissed in my pants I didn't take my pants all the way off oh shit I shit and I kept peeing and when I put my pants on they were frozen it was so cold outside that my pants got like icicles on and I had to walk home like the tin man fucking was there like like

ice hanging from your day it was ice on my pants like it froze that fast but I pulled my pants off I heard like little shit hot too oh yeah yeah there was steam coming out and stuff it was that cold It was mid-January in Jersey. I knew there was a reason why I remembered Dave Matthews' tour bus. Do you remember in 2004? His bus driver was on a bridge and dumped 800 pounds of poop off the bridge, but a river cruise was going by at the same time and poured on the boat. Well, I'm saying, but yeah, that's exactly right.

He was the guy who tried to do it. He can't do it. I mean, you can't dump it in the fucking ocean, but there's people who will fucking stick a hose in the RV or the tour bus, and they suck all the shit out of that. I'm telling you. Okay, well, I got to find this guy. Yeah, they're everywhere.

All those places where you stop on the road with trucks, there's always a creepy-looking guy back there. You know, I think it is? I think it's my, I think maybe... It's a personal thing. But I think it's a $1,000 fine or something. If you invite me to your home, I will not take a shit at your house. Really?

I have a rule. I won't take a shit at your house and you don't take a shit at my house. I'm not playing. I have a rule. There's only one. person who broke and I had to pull him aside one time and I had a little talk about him. He came to my house and he stunk up to fucking bathroom.

Oh, I fucking hate that. You can't do that to me. You understand me? It's felt like fucking Jewville. What did you say to him? I had to pull him aside and go, listen, this is an unspoken rule. Don't shit in my house. And I won't come to them. Don't make me go to your house and take one of those mule shits. Because I won't

shit for three days and knock on your door and I'll fucking destroy that bathroom like an animal. So there's a rule amongst Joey Dears. I got to go to your house. Once you start smelling the first two farts, if it's me and if it's a pre-shit, I'm out of your house. How about this? But anyone listening, that's my new rule. I'm taking that rule.

I don't even shit in hotels. Like, during the weekend, I shit lightly. Like, only little, like, six-inch pieces come out. They're like a little nuclear waste. But when I get home on Sunday, when that Uber driver drops me at home, I take the key out of the suitcase. I go in the house, and I drag the suitcase all the way to the bedroom. I take my computer, my notebook out, and whatever weed I brought home from the weekend,

I put in the office and right away, before I do anything, I go in that bathroom, my back bathroom, and out will come a piece of 40 to 48 inches of the whole weekend shit. Because my asshole is a fucking decent person. He doesn't even like shit to the other people's back. But how do you not do it all weekend at the hotel? My stomach knows. I'm in farming.

That's crazy. Yeah, you and I've been doing, and this is not good for me. me before like an eight hour drive and I know I can't shit on the bus. I'll sit down on the toilet and try to push something out, which I think that's bad for your fucking asshole. Well, that's how I always die. What you need to do is smoke a pipe while you're doing it. So when you cough, you push at the same time.

That's a trick Uncle Joe. You don't even get that for WMD. I'll fucking do that. I do it in the morning. I'll drink coffee and I feel like a little something, but it's not ready yet. What's the pipe? What's the pipe do? The pipe makes you cough, the weed.

So when you do a bonnet, you cough, right? So when you cough, when you cough, look, your asshole opens up. Cough right now. Cough. Yeah. So by the time you go, it just, poop. So if Elvis had coughed, he'd be alive? I don't know if I was sort of cough.

I'm just telling you. This is how Joey Dias does it. You got a friend. No, listen, man, I'll try it. I don't like pushing either. I believe that's how you got a heart attack. That's how Gigi died of the soprano. Yeah.

And that's how Elvis died. Someone told me. that people find people dead on the like cops that's the most common place to find people dead when they like people like neighbors will complain this apartment stinks so bust in finally the guy sitting on the toilet i hope i don't die in the toilet yeah i hope i don't die taking like a meal shit they got to take me off and i got dirty ass the interns got well don't you don't you shit you have one last fart left in you i'll never forget when my mom died i picked up her arm and she had one last fart left of it and it came out of it and it came out of

It's not like a skunk died in a fucking stomach. I swear to God, I'm not even trying to be cute. Yeah. When my mom died before the ambulance got, I was trying to revive her. What was it? And you have, she was a heart attack, but you always have that last gas in you. That's why they do stuff during the, not the autopsy, but the, uh, the, uh, when they prep you for a funeral. Yeah.

They do something. Yeah. So that last fart won't come out of you because it's horrible. Well, they do. I don't know. They do something. They do something. I don't know.

You know, I hung out with a guy that did that. as a living and in all my years of them like the mortuary the mortuary business I me and him got down we talked about everything but it was like on it's unethical to talk about what you do during not the autopsy but the other procedure what do they do the embalming yeah well a buddy of mine they break your spine so you don't pop up huh what yeah because you have you have those muscles still left in your body like in Cuba when you died they didn't have no embalming fluid They just put you in a living room in a fucking homemade casket,

and they buried you when you started stinking. So my mother would tell me you'd go to these fucking places, and all of a sudden, the cada would just pop up. And you've got to break his back to get them down. Like sometimes an arm comes up. Why does it come up? Because it's the last. Like a riggumortis or whatever this is called?

Oh, shit. It's the last tensions of your muscle. So your arm will. Like, they always say, don't hit your mother. If you hit your mother, your hand will pop up. And they have to break it to bury you. Like, I heard. heard my buddy told me one time that when he was a kid an arm did pop up and they pretty much had a

fucking break it. The buddy of mine was doing that, it had that job. He was telling me years ago he was doing it to some dude and the dude, and you see the dude naked obviously when you're doing it. He said, the dude had fuck me tattooed on the head of his dick. Oh my God. That's always great. That's not something you want to see.

To find the guy would fuck you on his dick. Yeah. But then that tattoo's got to hurt. That's got to be one of the worst jobs in the world is finding death. Yeah. That's a horrible place to put your mind after a while. It's got to get to you. You got to pick up bodies all day.

Like I used to pick up bodies with him sometimes. Like, you know, he was my buddy like that. Just to help him out, you mean? Like, he would go, what are he doing? Nothing. Let's take a right. And we go to Kennedy Airport and fucking smoke a number and pick up a body off a plane. Like when they're taking the luggage out, they let you go all the way back there.

And after the luggage get tossed off, the bodies come off. So it was people who were raised in my area, but had moved to Florida to retire. And they died and they're flying back. I can't tell you how many runs we made when I go pick up a body with him. To freak you out? Yes and no. Yes and no, to a degree. I learned how to deal with it.

But I'm not supposed to be around that stuff. I couldn't be around that stuff constantly. when I go to wakes it's terrible yeah I try not to you I don't like I don't like no that shit I don't like that shit I can't do it no more I thought anyone like it last week I opened up a Facebook page and one of my dearest friends

had a post that said her life changed forever that her mother died and I just broke down at the fucking computer because I know what she was feeling like I called her up I said for hours you know that's the least I could do but at this age I can't go to a wake I can't walk in the wake no more

There's no fucking way It brings back too many fucking I went to 20 wakes My first fucking 25 years of life I'm done with wakes I went to enough wakes Like I'm done I'll go to a cemetery

In fact I don't even After the last The last thing I went I started a fist fight Like that's how I was speaking What do you mean? That's how emotional I get The last memorial I went to

That's why I didn't go to Mitzie Shores Because I knew I would have fucking got into a fight Why do you get in fights Because I just get confused. It brings me back to being a kid. And as they say, a good funeral, there's always going to be a fight. For it to be a good funeral, it's got to be an argument. Liam, you're with me.

Yeah. I'm in a few funerals. When my mother died, it was like five days of just confusion because they were Cuban people. And the Cuban funeral parlor, where they had my mother was open 24 hours. This Jersey, right? Jersey. It was West New York, New Jersey. Rivera funeral, funeral, Paula.

That's still there, but a different owner. This guy was friends with my husband. father in Cuba and he came to me after I had already booked my mother in a funeral Paul he came to me and he goes you can't do that he goes I owe your father a favor let me have her in the funeral it was a fucking four-day wake 24 hours so me my uncle and my mother's best friend had to cover ships you know and you know how old were you 16 yeah that's too you never stay and I had a friend that died in the eighth grade and then a year after my mother

another buddy from me from that same class that blew two doors down from me died so I went to three heartbreak and wakes and then in high school a girl got into a car accident you know all those little fucking wakes and one day I was like I ain't going to wakes no more because it takes me out of the game for three days it brings me back to me being there at that fucking wake for four days you know that's got to be a tough time for a family and you got to deal with friends like I remember having to go to and identify my mother and then my aunt's like, where's her earrings? The fucking intern stole them.

The EMT stole her diamond earrings. You know, and then there was drama there. So my aunt was like a spicy Cuban woman. She wanted to talk to the EMT and smack the fuck out of them. Then we had to switch funerals. And then there was drama with my stepfather. And then they put the wrong dress on my mother. So the lady choked her funeral director during the fucking wake, dog.

During the way? Yeah. And then fucking during the wake, I'll never forget this. There was a scene during my mother's wake where we were in the fucking, like, in the parlor. And people are bringing bottles of booze in. Like, people were bringing bottles of booze

to bury my mother with the pinch. That's what she drank pinch. And the owner was like, people, I'm going to lose my license. You can't fucking bring booze in the other. Is that a Cuban thing that's up to sleep with? Yeah, like, you bury them with whatever Coke, a fucking Cuban sandwich, whatever.

You want to bury them with. And I'll never forget that Rivera, the funeral director was in the hallway, telling my aunt what the rules were. Like, he can't have booze here. And before he'd get the words out, one of my mother's friends on Nardo, that was a bookie, went in his pocket, took out, I don't know how much, it was like hundreds, and he just put it. And all of a sudden you can have booze.

In the guy's pocket, and the guy was like, I can't take your money. And he goes, I don't give a fuck. and the two doors opened and Arnardo's brother and one of his buddies was carrying not like a regular cooler but one of those long coolers filled with beers

and they just walked past the guy. I remember sitting there going and they stopped and asked them where were they going to put the beers and the guy's like you can't have beer at a funeral par and lose my license

they didn't give a fuck and then they started drinking and they started playing dominoes then they started snorting Seriously? Oh, once they would start snort and I'd have to leave. These Cubans are crazy. And you're 16 during that?

Is this every Cuban funeral? Is it like a partner? No, but there's some Cubans who go back to the old school and they take a 24-hour awake for two or three days. It's 24 hours. That means that after Wheeler Walker gets off stage in L.A. And has his 15 drinks and there's 20 bumps. He can go stop by and pay respects.

So you show up with a bottle and the grandma blow. And I get there at 8 in the morning, there'd be 20 people there snorting and drinking around my mother and shit like that. Drinking for the night before. It was fucking hilarious. What's the meaning of that tradition? I don't understand. It's a party. They don't want it to be sad.

It's a celebration. See, that I kind of like, I guess. It's a celebration. And they don't want it to be like a fucking crime. But I'm just thinking about being 16. I don't know that I would want a party, you know. I didn't want a fucking party. I just wanted to bury this poor woman.

She had gone through hell. And all of a sudden they were just laying all these things on me. They're going to do a church ceremony, and I just was just, I was like, do whatever the fuck you want. Just exhausting you? I'm trying to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do in my life. And you motherfucker isn't asking me stupid questions. Like, what color shoes? I don't fucking know.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I just didn't want to hear it. Like, I was just numb for five days. It was just in a lot of interactions. You have a lot of people you haven't seen. People talk to you, people pull you aside. You know, those wakes are just a fucking nightmare, man. I don't wish anybody to go through that stuff.

Like when people call me, over the last 10 years, I've had a couple of my friends call me and go, hey, man, for a couple years I didn't like you, but I lost a parent. And I see what I'm going through. And now I understand you a lot better. Huh. I can't imagine being 16 and going through what I'm going through at 40. I can't imagine. I just got a whole new respect to me.

Yeah, I can't imagine going during 16. Yeah, it was terrible. It was terrible. It was terrible. When I think about it or I write about it, it comes out black and white. Like that part of my life. You think there was not to get too deep, but like some trauma there that you were dealing with ever since then? Absolutely.

Do you think that's what the drugs came from? I was already, let's not blame the fucking drugs. You know what I'm saying? Everybody blames drugs on something. I was already on my way. I remember being in the hospital and they scraped my lung. And I wasn't doing blow then. But I was snorting angel dust.

I was snorting THC, crystal T8C. What do you mean to scrape your lungs? I had a lung infection. From Paraguat, from them spraying chemicals on weed to kill it, and the dealers were still selling it, so a bunch of people got sick. I would spit blood, pure blood. I had a lung infection. And while they couldn't figure out what it was,

so they were like, we're going to scrape your lung. And I started on my calling it. Just the sound of it. Yes. What they do is they put you out and they put a tube down your throat, they take a sample of your lung, a little piece of your lung, and they put in the micro fucking scope, and they see what's going on it. You don't, one of the time you wake up, you cough a little bit. There's a tube nine.

And what did say? What did it say that? It just had had some type of infection. But I was scared that the doctor was going to say in front of my mother. Did you do fucking angel dust? So I was already on my mind. So what age was that? 16, 15.

Okay. By 12, I was already smoking dope. See, that's, I was not doing it. And I enjoyed it. In fact, every time I hear Bohemia Rhapsody, I giggle my ass all. Because I still remember smoking a joint between like eight of us and going to Blimpy bass on my 33rd in Union City.

And that song was on. And when he goes, oh, mama mea, mama mea, we fucking lost it. We just lost it in there, giggling. The management had to come over and throw us out, that type of shit. And then we would just smoke. I was an athlete. So I didn't want it to get out. So I would just smoke with the downtown crew, the crew from my neighbor.

We would smoke. You loved weed at 12. I had to hide it from my mother. I had to hide it from. But you're saying you started pretty heavy at 12. Not heavy. Once a week. It was like a fucking ceremony on Friday nights.

But you knew you liked it at 12. Oh, we would have a blast. How can you not like giggling for five fucking hours when you're 12? Giggling, uncontrollably, giggling, then fucking eating. And then having to put Vizene in your eyes. and bonaca and fucking have to walk in the house. See, when I was a little kid and I did smoke weed, I always got paranoid.

I didn't like it. No, I loved it. I liked it better than alcohol. I'll tell you that. I didn't like the feeling alcohol. Alcohol always gave me this trapped feeling. Marijuana gave me this other feeling. Then I discovered marijuana and music.

Well, yeah, well, that's the thing when I got me too. That was it. By the time I was 14, I was done. Once the first time you smoke weed and put on those headphones and changes your life. Yeah. You know, I was telling Lee that I bought Dark Side of the Moon on vinyl a couple weeks ago, and I came in here one night.

I just at the house. It was 9.30. Everybody was in bed. I go, I'm going to sit here like a moot. Let me at least go get some of the man. And I came to the office, and I must have done with my six bond hits. And I put that dark side of the moon on it, took me back. And I still remember going with this kid named Vinny Lynch that looked just like Mick Jagger.

God bless his soul. He just died about four years ago. He took me to, like, a resident. of our and we took like a hit of acid and we drank like we split like a six back of in again I must have been a freshman year in high school and I went

home and that acid started fucking hitting me. We were walking hard and I still remember laying in bed listening to the other side of the dark side of the moon. Like money and that shit? Money with the computer do. And boy I started tripping

I had Julius Irving poster I had a McDonald's All-American team poster on my wall. But the poster that had that was the weirdest. There was a Led Zeppelin picture that was going around, but it was backwards. So they said that that poster would be a collector's item. They only made like 200 of them.

It's probably bullshit. There's probably a thousand of them. But there's a Led Zeppin poster from the 70s that's backwards. John Bond was playing the different way. Like left-handed, you mean? Everybody's different because it's fucking crazy. And that poster started talking to me and shit. And I closed my eyes.

I prayed to God. And I woke up the next morning. And I had puked. I had puke all over my shirt. And I had a piece of gum that I had in my mouth stuck on my shoulder from the gump. Yeah, I took mushrooms once. And I swear to God that I had a Nirvana poster. I swear Kurt Cobain was talking to me.

I mean, to this day, I can picture it in my head. I can picture him, his mouth moving from the poster. And then I still held out for Coke. I did the T. I did the T.C. crystal. But the drug I was hooked on the most was micrododat. that was the one that was from

15 to about 16 and a half I was on a fucking 17 I was on a tear with microdata acid I had I would give one hit to people I would buy them for 90 cents a piece and sell them for $3

I would go to East Strausburg Pennsylvania and pick them up on the weekend and sell it how far is that I don't know that area like two and a half hours from where I lived and I just saw the kid on Facebook that used to drive me after all these years, he just popped up on Facebook, and I haven't even friend of him yet. Isn't Facebook fucked up, man?

Sometimes it brings up good memories, sometimes better. No, because this kid was a great kid. This kid had no reason to even take me there. He liked me, he trusted me. He was two years older than I was. He had to drive his license. I didn't. And I would buy shit from him, and it was overwhelming.

And one day he just said, well, don't you just fucking sell it yourself because you're killing me. I was killing him. kill him. You know, I knew how to get rid of in my school, people would show up and play hookie and take acid. And then they'd go buy beers and go to Hudson County Park and they'd trip and shit like that.

Every day I had 10 girls playing hookie. I had these little group of hippie chicks, dirty white chicks, and I would sell them mescal in every fucking day. Were you making decent money often? I was making $2.90 a fuck, $2.10.10 a hit. And I was selling

3,400 hits a week. Plus, I was selling black beauties. I was getting black be you're making you're making a full time living full time living working at a lumber yard robin with three hands from the lumberyard

you understand me I mean robbing them blind in the lumberyard and at the same time and I would get these black beauties that would make you go crazy they were diet pills but heavy-duty diet pills

that's why they called them black beauties I would get a thousand of them for 35 hours but the wrestlers that had to make weight I would sell them $100 for $35. The profit was unbelievable. Guess how much I sold one for? A dollar.

A dollar. And I'd sell a hundred a day on dollars. So as soon as I got a thousand, I had four or five wrestlers that would buy a hundred from me. So that covered my $35, and I'd make like $100. And then the rest was a dollar apiece, $12 for $10. I would fucking sell those things. I was getting those for $30.

I'll tell you what, man, you've really you've changed, turned your life around, huh? I knew how to hustle. I knew at an early age. Do you think that hustling has helped you in comedy? Fuck yeah. This type of hustle, it's called ingenuity. It's called, I didn't want to work.

I had a central network of people. I could sell drugstore. I didn't have to go outside that boundary. I didn't have to go out of a corner and wait for a D-A to pull me over. When I picked up something, it was three-quarters sold. I wouldn't pick it up. So I wouldn't lose any money. So another hot thing for me was Quailutes.

Quailutes were a hot jack. Hot. So you would pay. Do you see Wolf of Wall Street? Yes. I fucking love that. See, I'm too old or too young, I mean, for Quailoutes. It's the hottest drug ever.

From 78, 77 to about 83, a fucking quailude was top notch. I never, what does it make you feel? Top knots. 10 volumes and two shots of whiskey. Just that fucking chill. And girls, and girls knew. They called them leg spreaders. Girls knew.

Like, I would pick Kichi up and say, let's go for a ride. What are we doing? I don't know. I was thinking, let's split half of Kuala Loom. And girls knew. Like, girls knew what time it was. And some girls would fight it out, and some girls would pass the fuck out.

But everybody knew what the Kualoo did to you. That was them. They were money makers because on a Friday night, they went like that. I'd pick up 200 quailudes. I'd pick up 100 quailudes for $200 at 4 o'clock, and by 6 o'clock I'd be cleaned up. I'd make 200 bucks because I'd sell them for four.

At that age, I'd sell them. I would sell 200 of them on a Friday night and keep 10 of them for myself. And me and my friends would eat two or three of them, and I built my tolerance up to them. And then what happened was people started making them at home. So you would have to look at them and see if they spelled lemon raw.

Like some people would smell lemon with two M's, these dumb fucks. So the two pharmaceutical companies that made them were Aurora, R-O-R-R-E-R-E-R-E-R, and Lemon, which was L-E-M-O-N. What was in the fake ones? The fake ones were stronger than the fucking real ones, because it was just a young kid putting shit in a fucking thing. But it probably, I mean, was it good shit? I mean, it was probably bad for you, right? I ate a thousand. Real quailudes, and then I ate a thousand bad quailudes.

It's kind of like weed. One night with the quailudes, I got real. I OD with quailudes at Joe Lucci's house. I'm going to see Joe Lucci this weekend, then West Palm Beach, Florida. Yeah, I'm playing West Palm Beach. And if he tells this, and if he comes, I'm going to tell this story. There's two guys that are supposed to come. Louis Castellito, and I could tell an hour of stories of Louis in the room.

Louis knows that we saw some shit growing up. And that kid, Joe Lucci, he would always have a pre-party for any concert. So any concert in Massa Square Garden, you could count on Joe Lucci tap, but I can't get four in the afternoon. So you would go to his house at four, get fucked up till seven, jump on the train and go to Master Square Garden. And when I spoke to him a couple weeks ago, we were talking about Ted Nugent, ACDC, and he goes, I got your beat. December 6, 1976. It was Monday night football, the Cleveland Browns beat whatever. He goes, I went to see Ted Nugent opened up for Sabbath.

That's how good his memory was. Like, that's how good. Like, you know, I saw Sabbath reunion tour, but I wish I'd fucking seen him in the day. Let me tell you something, man. I was, you know who got me hooked, re-hooked on Sabbath? Dean Del Rey. Dean's a great dude. These albums that Sabbath put up over the last couple of years, they're not too fucking shabby.

No, they're not bad. They're not shabby. They're fucking still kicking ass for fucking whatever they are. Tony Naomi, I was surprised. I heard a song the other day on Ozzy's Bone Yard. I had to run home and put it on. I was blown away. No, I saw him on, like, a tour a few years ago, but the problem was Ozzy couldn't sing.

Well, he's 60-something. I know, but they said he's had a ghost singer for years. Well, that's what I told, that's what someone said that there's someone behind the stage singing for him. That's what I've heard. And I'm like, well, he took that fucking night off, man. People do that? People have ghost singers? That's what they, I mean, Joey and I heard the same story, so it must be true.

Ghost singers and lip-syncing. I've heard lip-singing, yeah. Okay. you know, Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, Janet Jackson, anybody who moves a lot when they started tour, bro, and I know this because I went to the University of Colorado, and I took a music course, and the guy who did Janet Jackson's tour did a speech one day,

and I went, just went, you know. And he was talking about when Janet Jackson, a tour starts, 85% of the tour is lip-sync. I'm not crazy. Because of her cardio. That before Janet Jackson would go on the road in the 90s and early 2000s, she would have to train for eight weeks.

And even that wasn't enough. You know, we can dance like then. Yeah, you have the lights and this and that and the adrenaline. So she goes, so in the beginning of the tour, no matter how much training you put in,

eight weeks, six weeks, 12 weeks, the first. You want to know the Ozzie story I heard? You know how he always pours a bucket of water over? Yeah. So what I heard was, again, I won't say who told me, because I don't know,

I don't give up my sources, is that he pisses his pants on stage because he's so old. And they kept trying to figure out diapers and shit. And they couldn't figure out what to put him in. So they go, how about just dump fucking water on your head? And then you'll be fucking soaking wet. You piss your pants. No one can fucking tell.

That's crazy. That's what he does. That's what I heard, at least. When you were growing up, when I was growing up, like if you look at a picture, Archie Bunker, he was 46 years old. He looked like he was fucking 90. Oh, yeah.

I mean, how old was Elvis when he died? Like, you think about it now, he was... 42, I think. I was listening to Blot on the tracks the other day. You know, which is when you think of old Bob Dylan, he was 33. You know, it's crazy. Remember the traveling Wilburys, all those old guys? Look up their ages, man. It's crazy.

They're like all late 30s. Except for the one guy had to be old. Roy Orbis? Yeah, he was already. Well, I don't know. Well, maybe, but not as old as you think. No, but he was already old. You know, listen, the longevity factor.

I did not think. I just saw a video of Mick Jagger rehearsing in his living room. Did you see that video? No, but he's still with it? 72 years old, still fucking... I heard they're making a new record. Yeah, yeah, he don't give a fuck. You know him, he's money hungry as fuck.

He's a genius, that guy. But he's 72, and he's still moving. He's still having kids. He don't give a fuck. He just knocks you up and tells you. And Keith Richards can still fucking play. Keechee, I love you. I want to be with you, but he'll do this.

I'll give you a million dollars. I'll see the kids. kid once a year and I'll come over and get on all fours because it's all over my pussy on fire when I get over there that's what he does all over the country he's 70 all over the world all over the world you think he's do you think he's taking Viagra he's taking everything I know for a fact he does testosterone really yeah for all those guys to I asked the doctor one time what was his biggest customers actors music actors or bodybuilders and he goes my biggest customers are musicians

to musicians that you see today, that's how they keep going out and working three nights. You know, Black Sabbath can't do it every night. They can do three shows in a week. Yeah. And that's it. What's the testosterone?

What's it doing? I mean, it just keeps you... I don't know how it works. I don't know how the testosterone affects you. It keeps your movement. It makes you stronger. You know, I don't know exactly what the components are. I'll tell you what, McJack...

I mean, it looks like he's in great fucking shape. You know, Keith Richards looks like a bus hit him, but I guarantee he'll do a tour. He still hasn't done to do a tour. Well, I saw a funny quote from Willie Nelson the other day. He said something about, you know, you kids got to take care of the planet because we need a, you know,

don't fuck up the planet because you got to leave it in good shape for me and Keith Richards. How old is Willie Nelson now? I think 80 something. He's still going. He just had the festival in Austin. It's, I think these guys... I don't, they just don't know how to... I mean, Paul McCartney, he looks like a kid, but he's

fucking old. Oh my God. Paul McCartney looks like a fucking kid. He's touring, right? He was in a... What's he's got to be? He's got to be almost 80, right? Willie Nelson's 85. And what's Paul McCart? 85. And what's Paul? I mean, not... It was pretty recently just living to 85 is a big deal,

much less fucking touring. He's 76. Who? Paul McCarnie. Yeah, Paul was the young beetle. That's why. 70 fucking 6. Well, dude, picture Willie Nelson. in 85. You remember your

my grandparents at 85? No, they couldn't. Is he still smoking dope? Tell me he still smoking dope. Oh, yeah, yeah. But imagine he lives on a tour bus. He tours at 80 fucking 5. It's got to be. Listen, it's in your age. When you're a musician especially,

I think that the day you stop playing music is the day you die. I think so too. Well, that's why I always say no one retired. Nobody retires. Yeah. No, that's shit. Well, people put on their retirement tour and they come back out like a week later. Like, I can't imagine not having a sense of humor after I retire. Yeah.

Like, I'll need my sense of humor. And then someone's going to say you want to do Friday night and then you'll do it. I'll be in an old folks home doing Friday night R-rated show. I don't give a fuck. You make an old lady's getting dressed up, asking them about that monkey. You know, he'll be an R-rated night with Uncle Joey. He's still 83, fall to sleep on stage, wearing a wig. Yeah, my people tell me, I'll say, I want Joey opening up my show and they'll say,

he can't do it. He's 84. Then I'll call you myself. Yeah. I have Lee with a teleprime. giving me fucking signs in the back

because he'll still be my fucking boy when I'm fucking 80 he'll still be my dog he'll be about 40 that's my goal in music

I want that teleprompter I don't know why it's just I get you know sometimes you get too into it

and you forget your lyrics I don't need it now but it would would be nice just to have that thing well is it harder as a musician just because

like we're talking about all these music all these rock stars and it's not enough to just remember the music like you

you have to it looked like you're having fun like you have to perform think about literally listen and like it's any day above 50 you're having fun like you've made a constant note that you already made it to 50 so the shit that used to bother me like the news

and politics you're already having fun think about being a musician having two great albums you break up remember they used to have that show on VH1 where are they now oh behind the music yeah no no where are they now we would show these guys had number one albums and they're

paying houses now and shit. Think about being 58, living on a small, fixed income, and getting a call and saying, we're putting the band back together. What, what are you talking about?

I'm sitting at home with a grandchild. Fuck all that. Fuck all that. It's trying to drink some whiskey. Well, I can have a few drinks. That's how it starts. Well, they always say, you know,

they don't pay you for the shows. They pay you to travel. Yeah. You know, just getting out of the house. I can't imagine being 70 and still being relevant. Can you imagine being 70 and still doing one casino every month? I mean, you paid $100 to go see that fucking pervert

Bill Cosby down in San Diego. It was four fucking years ago. It was before I knew he was a pervert. Yeah, you knew the whole thing. And I told you that fucking go down there. You told me that's why you went. You told me not to go anywhere. I told you not to go down there and hang out with it

give that fucking mud $100. Even before that I told you. But you went to see him. Remember you did an hour? Did you do like two and a half hours? If I'm sitting down, if I'm 70 and somebody wants to get me five grand to go do a fucking show, I'll jerk off all over myself. And not have to depend on Social Security, I can pull off a show or two a month and get crazy

and have a shot at the keel and pass out. Uncle Joey, I could fucking do that shit for five or ten grand. You know, it's not every week. I don't think I can do it. I saw Rodney in his 60s, and he was having a rough time already. Like, he was, when did he die? Rodney died in 2004 and see how old he was. I did that movie with him, like, in 2002, back by midnight.

So he died in 2004, like... October 5th of 2004, yeah? He looked at it was fucking Friday. It was his anniversary. And he was, it doesn't say, hold on. He was born in 71. No, he was not born in fucking 17. 21, I'm sorry, 21.

You see what I got to deal with? Got 21. So I made him 79 plus fucking four. What's 79 plus 4? 80 fucking 3. He was 83. I did the movie with him when he was 81, and it was a disaster. You had to read the lines for him.

You had to yell the lines. He would come in and go lines. Was it like Brando shit where you had to hold the fucking... No, you would read the line to him. He would go line and the chick would say, what the fuck is this fat spick doing in my chair? He would go, what the fuck this fat's doing in my chair? Beautiful, Rodney.

Take five. And he would go sit down for ten minutes, fall asleep, and then get up. He was still smoking weed. Really? He was still walking around with a robe on with his nuts out, with no underwear out. You know, all that shit. I love all that craziness. Like, was he making good money for that movie?

I'm not sure. I'm not. I didn't ask. But he needed it. Do you understand me? It's like a fucking Leonard-Skinnet-in-It-Cinnit-Cat. It's like the Lenned-Skinin band. the original, called you tomorrow,

and said you were going on the road with them to open up. Do you really give a fuck about anything? No, I was just happy to be in a Rodney movie. I was happy to walk in a room and to get accepted by one of my fucking idols. When he goes, we gave the roll away, but just show up tomorrow. Let's see what's going on. And I went in there, he goes, your name's going to be Jojo.

I'll tell you what you're going to do. And he would put me in different scenes. And then I would go, am I working tomorrow? Did you know him back? No, I knew nobody. I knew nobody. I was at the store on a Saturday night and these guys were talking to me

and we started talking and they go and the guy told me who he was and that he was one of he was casting a fucking Rodney movie and I didn't say two words that's Rodney Dangerfield that's a different league in comedy I'm not in that fucking league

and like a week later I got an audition to go down to sunset across the street from that fucking strip club on sunset by the comedy store just a little casting office in there and I went in there and Rodney was in there with the dude

and the casted lady. And I just saw Rodney and I didn't know what to say. Do you want him or do you want me? Because I won't you. I just, I didn't know what they'd say. And I read the role as funny as I could. And he shook my hand.

And I talked to him for a little while. And I walked out and I was like, I was good with that, just meeting the guy. I was pretty happy with that. And my agent called me. He goes, listen, he gave the roll away, but he fell in love with you. He just wanted you to show up that they'll come up with something for you.

It's crazy that he was doing that. audition. So for eight days. In those days, those people used to be in the audition. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And you would know it till you got there. To really put a kick in the game. It's not like they call you and they said,

you know, like the first time that happened to me, I read for something on a Thursday and Friday they called me back for Monday morning a tent and I hosted at the store that night and got fucked up. I did like that liquid shit. What's that liquid shit you drink and you

get fucked up. GHB? GHB, and I snorted Coke, and I ate some pills. I woke up at 9 in the morning. Thank God I knew my lines, verbatim. And they read you on Western Boulevard, which is a shitty neighborhood, Western and Sunset. There's a shitty neighbor.

There's a little building in there. That's what the callbacks were. And I remember walking in, and Billy Gardell was there. And I shook Billy's hand, what's going on? There was some other guy in there. There was three fat fucks. And all of a sudden, Billy went in. When he came out, he was fucking.

compare. And I go, how'd it go? He goes, great. And I walked into the room and it was Gus Van Zand, Travolta. On a Monday morning, when you're hung over on fucking GHB and fucking Coke and God knows what else. Travolta, what year was this?

It's had to be 2002, 2001. I was green as can be. And what year did you move out here again? 97. Okay. I wasn't ready for movie but they were looking for one stand-up comedian they liked me and Billy so much that they said why can't he just tour with two fucking comedians so I walked into

the room I read with Travolta I laughed at him a little bit and I laughed at Gus Van Sant it was a Monday and that Monday I at the store I was there and they told me Gus Van Zand was there to see me I was like god damn so Gus Van Sant showed the fuck up to watch I wonder what this movie was it was called the Jimmy Roselli story. All right. It was about a guy from Hoboken, New Jersey, a singer

that Sinatra hated in blackbolt. And he was way better than Sinatra. Because Sinatra asked him to sing on his mother's birthday party, and he refused. So Sinatra said, you ain't working anyway. My phrase.

And the guy wasn't allowed to work only at strip clubs and with comics. So he would sing a song in between comics. And they wouldn't even... Sinatra put the hammer him so bad that the guy couldn't even get a record. So Sinatra could do it.

I mean, he was, he was, he was mobbed up. Yeah, at this time he was just, so Jimmy Roselli would go around Hoboken, selling the cars out of the trunk of his car. And people go, Jimmy, close the trunk. You're embarrassing this. Sond Al was out of the back of your car. So the movie was set.

We didn't get an offer yet. It was, uh, it was, uh, I read maybe one other time. I read for Travolta. I read for Gus Van Zant. Then they called me in again and we read for the producers. And then my manager called me and he goes, it's you and Gardell. They just haven't made it a fisher yet. You'll probably hear within the next week.

So I went to Miami to do comedy. And while I was in Miami, my manager called me because you're bad news. Travolta scratched the film. He's doing that movie about Scientology. Battlefield, Galactico, whatever fucking was. So I lost that role to fucking... Well, you didn't lose the role never even happened? No, that's why when you said that,

Showtime did that. That happens all the time. Listen, do you only people I know in this town they got a half a million dollars in the late 90s from a network? A half a million dollars. Fuck, I would take the, yeah, I mean... A half a million dollars

and their show wouldn't get picked up. Just to sit around. Just to sit around, get a show run, and come up on an idea, and then they decide they don't want the show. When I did Bronx County, they put $3 million into the fucking pilot. They played...

No, no, no, no, no. They paid the director to $2 million dollars. What was that? Bronx County was a pilot. And it was going to be directed by the guy that directed. He was a big time director and he acted too. In fact, he played the doctor. He played the intern on the Sopranos.

Remember the final year with Johnny Sack was in the hospital, the guy that kept changing the sheets and shit. That was the director that was supposed to direct Bronx County. It was CBS's answer, NYPD Blue. Shot a pilot, fucking advertising. they told me it couldn't miss. Then we got a call one day. It didn't get picked up.

Yeah, so I always had to hate it when people say, can't miss. There's no, there's no deference. Yeah, that's, for the people not know, and I had a deal to make a Wheeler concert movie with Showtime. I signed the fucking deal. And they just called, like,

eight months ago, said, we ain't doing it. I said, well, I have a contract. Says, I says, it says you are. They're like, you know, it's like, what are you going to do? You can't make us make it. I was like, that's what pissed me so off so much. It's just like, then what the fuck my, what's a contract worth, you know?

But I know it happens all the time. I'm still, it's just still fucking bullshit. You know, I tell people it's so hard to get all the stars in place to get something done. Oh, yeah. I love when people say, yeah, we'll write a script. It's a fucking mind fucked. It's a minefield. And when somebody gets something done, when you really ask them, was it all worth it?

They'll tell you that. Yeah, movie was great. It was a great experience, but after they all added up, they made $8.32 an hour. Oh, yeah. All the work they put in two years of sweat and writing the script. When my first album came out and debuted in the top ten of the Billboard on the Billboard country charts, I was like old enough to, at least old enough to go, you know what, let's enjoy this for a second, you know? It's an independent album.

It's fucking can't be played on the radio because of the nasty language. I was finally old enough to know, like, to stop complaining for a few seconds. Because it's so hard, you get those things so few times in your life, you know, if ever, you know. I'm thinking about, you know, every time you fly out of Nashville, you've been Nashville quite a bit, and you go to that fucking, there's like a tootsie's in the airport. And it's like my, my reminder, I go there and there's a guy playing in a fucking airport bar at fucking eight in the morning. And it's just a reminder, you know, like, I'm on the road, weekends on, you know, just, makes me appreciate it, you know, to, to, and I see this, I mean, I try, you know, you try not to, I don't, I'm not saying I bitch you can blame, but occasionally I will bitch you complain. Then I go,

there's a guy playing for fucking six bucks at an airport tutzies. And I'm flying out to LA to do a show, you know, with fucking filthy songs, you know. It's so weird that it didn't, it took me to be nine, it took me about nine years in comedy to become humble. Yeah. And it's such a big step. it's such a big hurdle to overcome. It's such a big hurdle to overcome to understand that, even if I'm a country musician, I don't compete with you. We're allies.

Do you know what I'm saying? There's no reason to hate. If I look at the top 10 and I see that, you made it and I didn't. I can't be angry at you. Yeah, well, I'm with you. I used to do that. There's so many parts of being an artist.

I would be, I would, if we used to in the old days, let's say if my album came out, number, I didn't have it, but if my album would come at a number nine, I was pissed at those other people. But now I'm just, I can actually enjoy it, which is, I think that's what you're saying, just the fucking maturity of just, you know. The maturity of an artist is very important. Yeah. Because the worst thing you could do is think about what people around you were doing.

Kevin Hart said something, a couple weeks ago, and I retweeted it because he hit it right on the nose. I remember being that person. I could, I'm big enough to admit to everybody in this room that up to 2000 because of who I was surrounding myself with at the store, the certain type of comic I had around me, it's not that I was complaining, it was that I was angry and frustrated because I felt I wasn't getting what other people were getting.

And that's normal reaction to life. If you're working at fucking Trader Joe's, let's just be honest. We're working at Trader Joe's, and you're in charge of produce. you are the one that checks the lemons and the pineapples and all that shit and all of a sudden there's a job for a control of six of the supermarkets and you're more highly qualified than you don't get it you're frustrated

I don't care what individual you'll see it for what it is you'll throw salt on the matter it wasn't meant to be but for a day or two you're frustrated and every once in a while you'll think about it and you'll get frustrated and in the time you'll realize that God didn't put in your bath for a reason. If that happens in comedy, that must happen in music. Oh, yeah, all the time. You just, you got to, it's like, you got to, you know, when I just made my new record, you know, and I'm listening back to it.

And I have to just enjoy, enjoy the creation I made and not think about where is it going to fucking laying on the charts. Is it going to not sell, like my, is it going to sell more than the last two? You know, you just never know. But it does, like you said, being humble is, like, is the key to it. I think. Humble is the whole thing. Yeah.

It's waking up in the morning, not worrying about what Lee's got. I can't worry about what Lee's got. I can't worry about what Joroggan has. I can't worry about what anybody has. I got to worry about what I don't have. Well, the other thing, too, is there's going to be, there's always going to be someone bigger than you,

no matter what you do. This can't be a competition. This has to be a grooming of allies, helping your allies. I was very fortunate. When I got here, then I made allies. And, you know, listen, I just got a call from this fucking restaurant. They need a comic on Saturday night.

It pays $75 bucks. I can't do it. But I gave me a name and number. You know how many times that happens? Just because you're a good person. Just because you call people with gigs. Felipe Spars is a comic, that one last comic standing. I could look at you in the eye and tell you for years.

That guy helped feed me. For years, you always had a room once a week. All those Mexicans had a room somewhere. If they didn't have it, they'd find it. Like I would call Philippine, go, you have anything this week, bro? I have nothing. Give me an hour full.

There's a gig in El Centro that pays 400 a piece. You know, and there you are Saturday night on your way to San Diego to El Centro, you know. Things just work out, but you have to go over that humble, that humble thing and really know. Well, it's also, I've also found it's hard with nowadays, with information.

Like, I could go on my phone right now and look at charts right now and drive myself crazy. It's all in your hand. You gotta stop looking at that shit. Listen, there's a podcast chart on iTunes. Yeah. And for a while, I would look at it.

And one day I finally realized, why am I looking at that chart? It doesn't matter if I'm number one. It doesn't matter from number 100. What matters is that I'm consistent, and I know that I'm doing the best podcast I can do. Everything else will come later. As long as you're consistent, you show up to the dance, and you get out what you have to say.

That's the most important thing. I don't look at numbers. I never looked at numbers. I don't want to be a part of numbers. I don't want that to be part of who I am. You know, when I got here, I'll never forget somebody coming up to me going, how can you be number 33 of all Latino comics? Doesn't that bother?

And I'm like, no, that just makes me stronger. You know, I don't even think about that. They had, like, a Latino top comics guy that I was, like, buried. I was, like, 34 out of 50. And people are like, you've been in movies, aren't you mad at that? Not really. I'm out here surviving. If once you start worrying about that shit, once you buy into that shit, that's when you go downhill.

Yeah, no, I've seen it with my friends. You go downhill. It's good downhill. Who checked the charts on their phone when they're fucking driving, you know? It's like it hasn't changed in the past fucking five minutes. You got to, you just got to move on. You just got to make the best music, best comedy, whatever it is you can make. And then enjoy the work, you know.

You know, it's funny. I shot a special for Netflix. It comes out the 30th, October 30th. I'm not happy with it. Why not? Because I'm not the person I am now. Like it was so weird, my head was fucked up. I bought it.

Do me a favor. We'll open this fucking door and let Lee's fly out before I kill this fucking thing again. Because Lee's got like 12 flies. I don't even see a fly anymore. He's been flying around the last four fucking minutes. And he's annoying me because you bring these fucking flies in all the time. It's the hummus, man. It's the fucking hummus neck.

No, explain. Well, when did you shoot this? I'm curious about this. I shot this June 4th. fourth and in my heart I just didn't feel like I just didn't feel right. Do you think that's you being too hard on yourself or no? No.

What do you think it was? I just wasn't feeling what I'm feeling now. I got too much in my head. But it's still you know, like you were talking about before it's all press and stuff. Okay. It's good press. Right? You're doing a certain type of fucking music right now. Yeah. You're doing

this R-rated country which I think is fucking brilliant. I love Thanks, man What happens if tomorrow you wake up And start listening to Lennett Skinner in the morning And by 4 o'clock You look at your girlfriend Or you can look at me and you go

You know what This is what I intentionally went out to do In the beginning And I'm going away from it with this raunchy shit Let me get back to that And all of a sudden you put out one of those albums And it doesn't work Because you got away from your original idea

You're not Linn-Skinet it, sorry Yeah, no You're fucking your wheel of Walker Yeah, I know. I wish I... Do you follow me? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Before that special, something happened to my head

that I wanted to show the people I could write or whatever the fuck it was, and it didn't pan out for me. Instead of being Joey Diaz, I became somebody, I tried to be somebody else. Are you saying you did it clean, you mean? No, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't do it clean.

I just... It was something that did not let me be myself. I don't know what it was. No matter how hard I tried to... But describe it to me, like content-wise, what was different about it? because I had you open for me and you fucking killed everybody. My heart wasn't in it.

My heart and my head and my soul were not connected that night. When you do comedy, all those things have to be connected. And I think because it was commercialized or maybe because I choked, I just don't know what it was. From the time I got off the fucking plan, it just didn't feel right. It's like when I told you the other day when Conno McGregor were just sitting on the floor, thinking about all the things he did wrong over the last two years.

That's what you're thinking about when you get beat up. I remember getting on the plane the next day and it all coming to me. Like I was so disappointed with my performance on both shows. Like I was forgetting material, missing beats,

and missing shit that I would do just as a professional I know to do. I missed it. I missed the marks in certain points. I just, and it was nobody to blame but me. But here's the question for you. If this comes out and people just tell you how fucking awesome it is, you think it'll change your perception of that night? No, I don't listen to people.

Okay. I've never been one of them. Because you're going to be exposed to a lot of new people who are probably going to love it. I love, you know when you suck, Wheeler. Oh, yeah. You know a night when you go up on stage and this guy missed his chord, the drum is fucking slipping. You're slipping. Well, that's different.

It's different when I fuck. up that's when I get pissed but when you and then you get on stage what do people tell you man that was the best performance I ever saying in my life and you're like whatever so you start down you're like these fucking liars you know what I'm saying like you're a fucking lie just tell me I bombed the name a bag of dick and we'd be just as good I don't listen to that stuff like I don't well I think it's good to not especially nowadays like I said with the fucking I could if I wanted to right now I could read a thousand people telling me that I fucking suck on the internet

It's just not worth listening. Listen, you're not... The thing that makes this world so special is that we all don't like vanilla ice cream. We all don't like vanilla ice cream. Can you imagine that we all love vanilla ice cream? You know, when you put on November rain, it's the first video that hit over 2 million fucking hits.

It also has 200,000 dislikes. Go ahead. Go look at... I guarantee you there's people listen to... stairway to have me go, I don't know. No, go look at blow up the outside world by Soundgarden. It's got one point something million hits and a hundred thousand thumbs down. That, thank God.

Not everybody likes bad motor finger. Not everybody likes me. Not everybody likes you. And that's what's great about this. Yeah. I mean, if I've made this kind of albums and everyone liked me, that's when I knew I'd be in trouble. Yeah. Yeah, the sound garden blow up the outside world that one.

Yeah. Has eight and a half million views Forty two thousand likes and one point one thousand Dislake one point one thousand people said that eleven hundred yeah eleven hundred people and like blow up the outside of Yeah, well I mean but bad motor finger you can't make a better record no but my point is it's not about records You know it's about Fucking you're not gonna like everything I looked at a Beatles song that was on there one night and it had like you know a hundred thousand dislikes

It was like a stupid The Beatles song. I don't know what the fucking song was. Happiness is a warm gun or whatever the fucking was. That's a great song. Yeah, I think it's a great song. So that's what makes us special that we all don't like. People, don't forget, people protested the Beatles.

Elvis tried to get them banned. Did you know that? I didn't know that. Yeah, Elvis saw them, you know, like you said everyone, even at the top, they're always looking down. Elvis saw them as a, because Elvis was the king, he saw them as a threat and tried to get them banned from America. he's like i know i know a way to stay the number one don't let him in the fucking country he tried to get them banned the Beatles didn't know about it till they they broke up years later but yeah he was like

even at being at the top he didn't give it she didn't want any fucking competition i read the zeppelin book the hammer of the gods yeah there's a chapter in there where fucking led zeppelin was i think they were playing in memphis and they got a call that fucking elvis wanted to see him and they went to Elvis's house and Elvis introduced him to Lisa Marie and the baby and they fucking

they talked and I think him and Jimmy Page trade watches they traded watches he told him he was a fan of theirs so I don't know I don't know I know I know he was a fan of Led Zeppel well I mean he you know he was I think he was friendly and they were the kings

oh yeah but I think this was right you know it was competition time it was the first it was the first artist that actually challenged him on the charts, I think is what did it. By the way, I heard a great Elvis story, which is, so I recorded my new record that's coming out in November at RCA Studio A,

which is where Dolly recorded Jolene, Whalen recorded there, Elvis recorded there. I mean, all the big boys is probably, you know, one of the great studios left in America. And someone was telling me a story about how Elvis had just met Lisa Marie and she wanted to see him record a song with the he had it was doing a big one of his big with the orchestra and everything and um he wanted to impress her but he'd already recorded the song so he so he told he told the engineer producer in the band he goes this girl

I really likes coming in so let's just pretend let's just because the producer goes we nailed it yesterday we don't have to do it again he goes no no no let's just play it play it pretend like we're playing it we'll just play the track lip sync basically. And then, and you guys just, you just follow my lead. And Lisa Murray comes in. And Elvis goes, you know, he's lip-syncing a song they recorded the fucking day before. He goes, like, tell him the bass player, no, no, play it like this and tell him like the violin player. No, no, like, as if he's running the show, which he wasn't the day they recorded. The producers running the show. He's trying to impress her. They just, so he recreated the whole fucking, in this studio where I recorded

my new record. He recreated the whole song as if they were recording it then. to impress Lisa Murray. When you walk into these studios and they tell you the history of this, does something happen to you? Oh yeah, you feel it. You feel it. You feel it. You're just like, first of all,

your first gut instinct is what the fuck am I doing here? And your second instinct is like there is, like, there is, like, rooms do have, like, a soul, you know, like, you can feel, you know, wailing in there. You really believe that. I do, I do. I do. I think studio. I think studio.

not just regular, I don't think like my parents' bedroom does, but I think recording studios, I mean, Chet Atkins built this studio for the Everly Brothers back in the day. You know, this is a historic studio. The studio next door to it is a museum. And this is still a working studio, you know. So just to, you know, just to know I'm standing where Elvis stood and singing, it's just, it's going to affect your performance no matter what you, no matter what you think, you know. I was watching something

when the guy I was talking about like being in the room where somebody recorded I don't know what the fuck it was and touching the walls and feeling the energy and I believe that

with some comedy clubs that you walk in there and you could smell the comedy in the air like you're like I'm gonna do okay tonight well that's the thing too with these old studios is they don't really redo them

and it's like the same floor it's the same walls it's the same whatever you know it's just like Wayland really stood here. Elvis sat in this fucking chair or on this, walked up these stairs

or whatever it is, you know. So it... I think that history when you walk, like whenever I walk in a place and I look at the walls and I see who else perform there, like I don't know what I feel. I feel like I don't even want to think about it.

Well, yeah, recording music is just like a lost art form of the act of knowing where to put the microphones on it because everything's so fucking computer. Lee probably knows about it. I think so computerized and sampled. So to get a good drum sound and know how to mic it and shit, like those good rooms that were drums, like were John Bonham sounded so fucking good, those rooms don't exist anymore because they tore them down

to build a fucking Kmart or whatever, you know. So when you find a, when you get into a room like that, it really, you know, you hear the drums the way fucking, you know, you know, when you're staying in the room where Dolly heard the playback of Jolene and goes, that's the take. It does something to you, I think. It's very historic. I like performing

at the comedy store knowing that Richard used to perform on that fucking Yeah, I think that would be the one I mean, because he was... That was, like, when I first realized it, I realized it on stage. Especially coming from Jersey, I'll bet. I mean, especially me to come from Kentucky, if I'd known that I was going to, you know...

Especially coming from anywhere. Yeah. Coming from anywhere, If you're a female singer from Minneapolis, and then you're on a stage, and they said that this is the same stage, fucking Madonna did like a virgin, it does something to you,

coming from anywhere, you know, when you walk into a room that somebody else was there that was famous or whatever, and there you are, you're like, Jesus fucking Christ, maybe I'm halfway here.

You know, that's what you think, that you're halfway there. You're like, maybe I'm halfway here. You mean, that's what I always think about, like when I was standing, like I said, where I was standing, Elvis used to sing. I was like thinking about back to when I was playing my

my friend's garage, you know, and trying to get a decent fucking recording. It's like, how the fuck did I get here? Just, you know, the whole journey. It all comes, it affects the performance too. It probably affects your performance on stage at the comedy store. I think about, like before I go on stage, I get anxiety. Yeah, but a good anxiety. It's a good anxiety. It's the fuel inside of me. And sometimes I'll go snap out of it, you know, Richard Pryor was in here or Kennison was in here on a grammar blow and he pulled it off. You can pull this off.

You know, I always think of Kennison when I go down there. And I think of Richard Pryor. I think of Paul Mooney when I go down there. And that's what I think of. You know, I think of those things before I go on stage. And it calms me down. You know what I'm doing more for. I'm not the, obviously, a comedy guru.

But I watched those old Richard Pryor. And to me, that could have come out today. you know the problem what's going on today is specials are being shot you read keith richard's book yeah he did the chapter on live albums yeah why people don't make live albums no more because technology took over so much that we can't make a live album no more they have forgotten how to wire drums yeah well that also they really do why make a live album when their lips thinking yeah they They don't know anything. You know, when you watch a Lenny Bruce special from the 60s, watch that special.

That camera don't move. That camera has Lenny from three inches above his knee to two inches above his head and six inches from every shoulder. That's it. Well, nowadays, I go on Netflix and there's every fucking, there's 800 comedy special. I don't know what the fuck is. You don't see a guy laughing going back. You don't see the back of the studio. you don't see the long shot.

It focused on Lenny. You know, somewhere along the line, that feeling went away. They wanted to start getting side shots and behind your shots. And all those shots are great. But to me, it takes away, at least from my thing.

What I do, I can't do on tape. I've noticed it that I'm better live than when I'm tape. That's why for years I would never send my tape out. Way before any of this shit happens. I wouldn't send my tape out. Yeah. Unless you saw me at the store live and you came up to me and said,

hey, I want you to play my club. I wouldn't play your club. If it meant sending you. Well, Dylan still says that he goes, the albums were just blueprints. He goes, the only, if you want to hear those songs, the only way that they were meant, they were meant to be played live. They were not meant to be recorded. He's like, they were recorded because that's how, that was the best of business and I have to make records.

But he's like, you want to hear the song. I mean, not now. but he can barely fucking sing anymore but all his songs he says they were made they were constructed to be performed you know it's crazy how they've just gotten crazy and crazier

with the specials and what realms of the special they shoot and I've always believed just to keep so when you're doing that special you don't have no fucking say you can tell them maybe fucking times they don't give a fuck but did it they'll come to you and tell you how they got this camera with a hinge on it

I don't want the camera with the hinge on it I want one fucking guy with a camera straight ahead taping six inches up like I just told you But they don't listen Because everybody wants that shot of the cigarette It's fucking avant-garde That's not what I'm about So for years, like in 2004

A trend started in this town That even the industry didn't want to come on to see you There was a time you call an agent Go, hey man, how you doing? Joey Dears Hey, I heard of you What's going on? Nothing man I'm doing a show at the comedy store at 10 o'clock I just wanted you invite you to come see you

that was great. People will at least come down and you call them the next day and they go, ah, you were a little rough of me, I don't know what I can do it to you. Then it got to the point where they would tell you, send me a tape. And I go, no, you're in Beverly Hills.

Come watch me. I got to that point. Like, I got to that point early. 2003, I was like, I'm not sending no tapes. I think in my whole 27 career, 27-year career, I just think I sent out three tapes. And one of them didn't have anything on it.

I just wanted to fuck with that. guy and he gave me the job because when you go get paid in the comedy room you'll see that the guy that's paying you behind them there's a thousand tapes with dust on they don't watch those tapes well i did that too because now after the success the first two records some of the bigger record labels came along they're like you we want to meet with you so come on down to a show never fucking show yeah no no no you know led zeppelin got lied to atlantic got signed to atlantic and they never saw a landlantic they never saw led zep i believe and they got if you read the fucking the man who led zeppelin the peter grant book yeah atlantic sound signed zeppelin without saying them gave him a huge

advance bonus and gave him points that were never heard of in the music industry at that time read that book by peter grant oh i want the the big giant manager yeah i mean i mean like i was just saying i mean after the success the first two records all these big labels were coming out and they were they were they wanted me to meet. I'm like, what the fuck am I going to meet you for? I'm having success with my own label. How much money can you give me? You can't give me.

There's no way, I make I don't want to give numbers, but you know, 90% of my album sales. You can't, you're going to, what are you going to do? Get me on the radio? You can't say fuck on the radio. It's a waste of my goddamn time. So they would say... But you're on serious, right? I'm on serious. Yeah. Somebody said they heard you on serious. You're on serious, which is still fucking good.

You're halfway there. But nowadays, you got serious, you got YouTube, you got Spotify, they don't need that. I don't need a fucking record label. And that record label is going to spend

a million dollars on fucking advertising that I don't want. And then my first million dollars is fucking gone. Just do it myself. I don't need those fuckers. That's what the beauty about today is. Yeah.

That if you're a real musician and you really just want to get your music out, you get it out. You can. If it's good, you want to be a fucking star. I know,

I know you have a different plan. That's not your plan, but if you love what you do. But if you want to be a star, you've got to go with the big label. I just want to make music and make a living. I can do it. That's it. That's it. But if you, I mean, listen, there's both ways.

You go with a label or you can put your own shit out. Today is what I'm saying. It's not what it was 20 years ago. It was not what it was. Nobody's holding you back anymore. There's no reason to hold you back. Your music is that good? Fucking get a YouTube.

video and let's go if it's that good people are gonna hear yeah get it on a camera but but 20 years ago i mean no you couldn't you couldn't do shit you needed the label you needed the label but now you don't need it so i think about comedy i think about what the internet is done with comedy and how comedy central now and nobody even watches it because number one they got lied to for 20 years they didn't give us the best comedians that were out there they gave us what they thought they gave us the ones that had to look the one that had the tattoo, the one that had the funny haircut, they didn't give you the pound per pound funny people. Straight a lot of credibility over the years.

I sit here sometimes at night, and I'm listening to the cars or whatever the fuck I'm listening to, B-52s. And I'm digging what I'm listening to, but I'm also thinking about how about all the good bands I never got a chance to listen to it because a labeling sign. Well, but you and I are more, the differences too is like you and I, We seek out this stuff.

Most fans just only watch what MTV play, you know, what the radio plays. So you and I at least seek out fucking, you know, Iggy Pop or whatever it is or fucking Black Sabbaths. I have listened to everything. Yeah. If I don't like it, if I don't play the fucking videos, I don't like it. It's like broccoli. I don't like it. I don't like it.

I don't get it. I have you marinated with ginger sauce. I don't care if you put pussy juice on it. I don't like fucking broccoli, okay? And at this age, I know what I like. what I don't like. And let me tell you some. I've, when I was, before I was 16, 17, I was very partial to music. When I moved to Colorado, it was when I let my mind wander. And that was the best thing I ever did. I listened to everything I could. Yeah, you told me last time that you

didn't really dig the Beatles at first. No, growing up, you know what I didn't dig the Beatles? I didn't dig the Beatles. The same reason I don't like Bruce Springsteen. Too many people liked them. Yeah. It drove me crazy. See, I've stopped, I've stopped doing that because my thing is, I don't want to base my decision I want to listen to on other people, whether it's a big crowd or a small crowd. Listen, 50% of people have to assume listen to music, their friends listen to and say it's great just to fit in. 50% of people.

I saw it growing up. I saw it growing up. To be cool, you got to be the concert, whatever. 50% can tell you what the fuck they don't listen to them. What the fuck they don't want to listen to them? They don't give a fuck whether your feelings get hurt or not. You know, Jim Florentine signed across from me. You don't know how many parties we went into them.

My buddies just took the fucking jukebox and threw Springsteen out of there. We don't want to hear Springsteen in Jersey. Living in Jersey, northern New Jersey, we don't want to hear no fucking Springsteen. You better put Black Sabbath on that motherfucker. You know, Beatle fans always held the Trump card for years. Yeah, I mean, it's different for me because I was, you couldn't. Up to 79, you couldn't win an argument. Bro, Van Halen's first album, have you heard it?

Fucking tremendous eruption. Eddie Van Halen is great, but there was always one asses. They would go p's wait till the Beatles get back together and he trumped you. You're like you're right Wait till the Beatles go back together. I'm fucked when John Lennon got shot people were jumping up and down the streets because of the fucking beetle fans because they didn't want to hear that no But for nine years all they heard was beetle fans going yeah, let's that one's good but p's wait till the Beatles get back together Is that really what they said all the time? There were just idiots that were walking around and I like the Beatles like I liked help that was the only early shit I like Then from Revolution on, whatever that, a revolver. Yeah.

Revolver was when they went to India and hung out with the Hindu, and they did acid, they went fucking bananas. They all started wearing sandals and playing that fucking guitar. Then they did that fucking album with the stones, a lot of people don't know about it. They did like a co-al album. Oh, fuck, Jimmy Page is on that album. Oh, yeah, I know the live thing.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is 66. In fact, you know who gave me the CD? Eddie bought it for me. Eddie called me one day from Omiba, and he goes, do you need anything? And I said, see if they got that. And he found it for $9.99, I almost jumped out the building.

I don't even know what you're talking about. There's a stone album. Fuck, I can't wake my buddy up. He's an engineer. There's a stone's album. One hit? Is that the name of the song? No, no, no.

That's 19 fucking. 90 or 94. Try the Went to the peaceful city. Type in Peaceful City with a capital Rolling Stone. See what you get. If you look at the one that said when the Beatles put the one

with the P out and everybody thought Paul McCarthy was dead. Now you know all about that stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were playing with white people worse than Conno McGregor was. They were telling people that fucking Paul McCartney was dead and still releasing albums. They walked across the street. barefoot at Abbey Road, which meant that they buried you in a casket barefoot. All of them had shoes on except Paul.

They were doing some fucking with some fucking people. But that one-alm, what did it come up with? Could it be just a shot away, peace, love, and tragedy? No, no. Nothing for the road. Are you a YouTube? I'm on Google. Oh, okay.

This is what I'm fucking talking about. We're looking about music and he's fucking Googling. Now we're going to. Now we're going to hear this shit now for an hour. Walk around the peaceful city. Something like that. Rolling Stones with a capital R. It has capital R.

Elvy the God? No. Beast of burden? No. None of that shit. I'll find it on my own report back to the commission. There's a weird out. There's a weird album they have.

It's the Stones. Jimmy Page played on it. A couple people played on it. I think fucking John Lennon played on it. And it's got some great fucking, like two or three great stone songs and nobody knows about the sound. It's like Mane the Shade. Nobody knows about Mane the Shade.

One of their best albums by the stuff. I never listened to that one. I mean, I know it, but I don't... Made The Shade is fucking... Made The Shade is one of those albums that nobody knows about. I thought I had it here. It's a grateful that sound.

That nobody is just... They slip. it in there. Now I can't remember the name of the song. It's going to keep me up all fucking that. But anyway, that's what I think about now. I think about it as a comic that, yeah, I got to listen to Leonard Skinner, and I got to listen to Molly Hatchett.

I got to listen to fucking Led Zeppelin. Did you see Skinner love you? No, no, no. You ever saw him? No, no, no, no, no, no. They were about, and I could lie to you and tell you, I had tickets for the guard. My friend Steve Villal, who I would call for this fucking

song, he went. He had tickets. for Lenin Skinner and Ted Nugent at the garden right before they were going to And they were about to switch them anyway Remember last time I was here You played me Skinner to open up for the stones

And they fucking slaughtered them Yeah And then did you watch the documentary? I thought it was great yeah yeah Well when they said They beat the stones up And they walked on the tongue Yeah

When they walked on the time Let's say that was the one rule Right mentally don't walk on the tongue And they beat the fuck out of the stone It's pretty interesting I love all this I love when you drop by

With the Elvis stories The fucking stories The South and shit like that So you're aware Friday night. You're in Tampa? Thursday night, Atlanta, this Thursday, Friday night, Tampa, Saturday, West Palm Beach. So we're in West Palm Beach the same night, right? I'm in West Palm Friday and Saturday.

Okay, so Saturday, if I get done early, I'd come check it out. Yeah, just call me because we just missed each other somewhere else also. Yeah, I forget. Not Nashville. Somebody said you talked to Philly somewhere the last couple weeks. I was in Philly, Boston. Yeah, I was just in Philly. You were in Philly?

I was in Pittsburgh, I think. I can't remember. Nowadays, it probably happens to you. I don't even know where the fuck now. So are you going out just with your band or just Kid Rockford right now? We do both. Go to Wikipedia and look up Rolling Stones Alms. That's the easiest way we're going to find it.

That's the easiest way. And I'll tell you the name of this fucking album. It's the most obscure album. And it's got two songs in it that are fucking phenomenal. What year? Do you think it was? 66. It's a stuff, but it's, Chris.

to the stones? Yeah. Aftermath? No. Give me my glasses. Out of our heads. Give me the fucking computer. Get out of the way. God damn it. Out of our heads. No, I'm looking. No. Keep going. Are these albums? The other way. All right. Keep on the other.

There you go. Slow down. Keep going. All right. The one album that I'm talking about that they all did together, keep going. Keep going. There's satanic. majesty. Oh, there's satanic majesty's request, yeah. Keep going. Is that what you're talking about? No. That's one out.

Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Yeah, it doesn't even come out as a stone's out. That's how fucking keep going the other way now. Because the other way, it's some girls, it's only rock and roll, go-type soup. Some girls, it's great record. Some girls is the best they have. Beggis banquet between the buttons, after man. Keep going out of our heads.

Keep going 12.5. That's it. Yeah, my first one. Yeah, no. Can I give you a couple underrated Stones record? Black and Blue is really good. Tremendous out. One of my all-time favorites. Emotional Rescue Underrated.

Tremendous. And you know what else? I used to run to every fucking day when I got out of the prison was the one that came out with an 81. Tattoo you? That's a great one too. That's a great fucking out. Neighbors and all that shit on it. But the stones, up until like steel wheels, they were,

fucking great. Remember that's like that steel wheels? I didn't like that shit. Steel wheels was 91? Something like that. Yeah. Between a rock and a hard place. Yeah, that sucked. Yeah. Listen, man, 30 fucking years, you're going to have a couple bad nights. Oh, exactly. I mean, you know, you're going to have a couple bad nights. Listen, I got, I'm not, you're not going to hear me arguing about the Rolling Stones. You know, I mean, when you put out 20 great albums, what do you got? None left in the tank. It's done left in the tank. And they're still, listen, you know, watching these older guys go out now, I never dreamed.

When I was a kid, this wasn't happening. Yeah. Yeah, you had Kenny Rogers, you know, with the white hair. But to think that Guns and Roses, you know, and they're not even old. They're in their 50s. They're not even old.

And I heard they sound great. I didn't see them. I saw, I listened to the show from the forum. My neighbor is Slash's godmother. She calls him Saul. Oh, yeah. And she invited me. They had a box.

And I was just, I think we did a podcast, and when I went home that night, I listened to the last concert from Sirius. What I had paid, if I would have paid $600 for those tickets, I would have been pissed. The last key she was with me, because they didn't work. To me, I didn't want to pay six for four. Well, yeah, there's ain't no. Slash carried the whole fucking. Ain't no show worth $600. Yeah.

Slash carried the whole fucking concert. Slash was fucking phenomenal. I remember I paid $20 to see Nirvana. And I'm like, is it really worth 20? I mean, remember those old days? I paid 15 to see Prince, Sheila E, and Nucleus. It's going to be tough to get me to lift the rock for fucking. I paid 1550 for Pink Floyd the Wall the first night.

It's going to be tough to get Uncle Joey to fucking lift the rock for three bills. It's just tough. It just doesn't equate for me. I'm with you, man. And I love bands. I love music, you know. It just doesn't fucking equate for me. So I just.

There's not, no show worth 600 fucking bucks. I think, you know, a couple of years ago, two years ago, Kat Stevens did the whatever theater. Tickets for $300 fucking. That means I take a date as a civilian. That's $600. Take a date, dinner, all that shit. Yeah.

That's a great. Better be a hell of a fucking night, yeah. So, you know, I see it, but I don't see it. I see the value for the nostalgia. you know these bands are going on on the weekends these black bands from the 80s they do like 22 bands each band does three songs

you know I'm so into you fucking kid and play those tickets are like 60 bucks everybody makes a fucking living yeah and that's what I dug about Kid Rock did a tour a few years ago where every seat in the place was $20 and you can make a lot of money if you

sell 20,000 tickets to 20 bucks but it's not listen you go around the corner here on Lancashire. There's a place, a health food place. You go in there, you pay $10 for an assaye bowl. Okay? It's a good assaibou, but it's $10. You're not paying for the assayebo.

You're basically paying for the guy's rent. Somebody told me if you sell out the garden at like $69.95 tickets, you walk away with $100 grand. It's not a lot of money when you play the garden. You got to pay union dues. you got to pay everybody They think they're doing you the thing.

Yeah, so like people think that when you play the garden, you walk out of there with $2 million fucking dollars unless your tickets are $300,400, then you may, you know, Billy Joel does the residency there. But if you did a show at the garden for $60,000 and sold it out 18,000 people, after the house charges and the union. Well, I was going to go see Elton's doing his farewell tour in Nashville,

two tickets 500 it was for two tickets 500 bucks I go I'm gonna have to tell him farewell some other time I'll go home and put on fucking the album with fucking it's a little bit funny

or it's good by yellow brick road yeah please I took a hit of acid and committed to go see Pink Floyd or Roger Waters and I wasn't going a dollar over 200 me and Ari and Chris Neff went all the way down there and me and Ari are Jews to the end we looked at each other and we're not paying 300

Is that, you talk about people selling outside? Yeah, that's a true story. Me and I already took a hit of blood of acid before the baby was born, and we took the train right from here and lancash him, and we went downtown, we ended up getting so high, we went to, what's the place that has the roast beef dip that everybody talks about? Filippes.

Yeah. We went into Filippes, and we ordered food, and we were too high to eat it. We just looked at each other. Probably better money spent in the... We went, we took a train back to my house, and we watched some movie on HBO, and everybody left that one. We were tripping our balls off. I just can't see it.

I just can't see it. I just don't want to see it. If you pay one time, you know, you go to a sporting event, I'm not thinking about me. I'm thinking about you, your wife, and your kid. $50 to park to go to a Rams game. And you've got to walk a mile and a half. I walk a mile and a half.

I'm not paying. That's just ridiculous. You know, the prices of tickets are insane across the board for any sporting event. You know, I'm not thinking about me. I'm not thinking about Brad Pitt. I'm thinking about the guy that works 60 hours a week to support family. I spend a lot of time making sure my ticket price are down.

I'd fucking fight with them every week. My own shows I can do. I will never go to Foxwoods again. I'll never go to Foxwoods again. I don't know what that is. Foxwoods is a theater. I just played in Boston. You know why?

It's a $16 charge when you buy a ticket. Yeah, that's crazy. I don't see a dollar of that. So you don't make enough money. you're going to charge $16 fucking dollars. So that means my tickets are 27 plus 16. That's not what I'm about. Yeah.

I put my tickets at a certain price so the blue collar guy could come. When I see these people charging 35 and 69, that's great. That's great. But you're pricing yourself out. I'm with you, man. I always want, I don't need to make that money. I don't need to do it. I don't, I want you to consume it.

I thought a year ago was when I thought when they started charging, making my tickets over $15. I go, I'm not worth it. It's not worth it yet. And then they just, you know, but then the fees come in all of a sudden. Oh, they kill you with fees. That's not fair to us as the artist. We don't see a dollar of that fee. Plus, you're selling drinks, bitch, and you're selling food,

and you're getting money at the door. I get a percentage of it. What the fuck are you? You know, when does it end? So you're taking a percentage? You're taking the restaurant, and now you're charging the poor fucking kid, $16 to download a fucking ticket. I can't do business with you.

You know what I used to do for a while? So I asked now. the Foxwoods I ask now What's the service charge and what's all the bullshit if it's too much? I don't want to pay you gonna give me 50% of it Then charge whatever the fuck you want but if you don't get me give me a taste of it this goes in your pocket I'm not working for you I guess comedian's merch isn't as big a deal but what they do they take a piece of my T-shirt they take a piece of everybody's match But you I started doing I started playing places

I would go before the show I go bring me the man I want to talk to the manager I go here's the deal What do you take from of my merch? They you? I Usually they sometimes go 10%, 20%, and I go, here's a deal. If I break the bar record tonight, I ain't paying it.

He shakes my hand. And at the end of the night, they count up the bar. And I go, you ever made this much money from alcohol? And he goes, no, it's a new bar record. I go, that I'm taking my money.

I'm getting the fuck out of here. First of all, there's a lot of money in merch. That's another thing I overstep. I don't want to bring merch. I'm happy that you paid the 25 just to get it. But music, you kind of do it. I also want you to come over to me and shake my hand and tell me to listen to the podcast.

Tell me that I sucked. I see people that won't walk over because they're embarrassed because they don't want to pay $20 for a t-shirt. I don't ever want that to be the feeling in between these and the people that come see me. I'd rather go out there and take a picture for free and shake your hand. Even if you come up to me and tell me the podcast sucks and I suck. I'd rather that than have a t-shirt in front of me. Number two, it takes away from my focus in between shows. I got to talk to more people and show.

I don't want to do that. I want to be focused for both shows. I don't want to worry about an extra large shirt. Go looking for a 2XL. I don't want to do that. That's not what I get, I'm not a salesman. I'm a comic. When I was snorting Coke and I was a dirty fiend,

I didn't sell nothing. I'm not going to start selling shit now. I create a level, a playing field that's level. I don't pay for nothing to absorb. nothing out of my range and I don't expect you to even. I know what I'm worth and sometimes I cut my own throat

by not charging a lot but I know what I'm worth I want you to be able to come see me instead of you going Jesus because I think about it even when they say $35 I'm thinking $70 fucking dollars that's without drinks that's without your sushi

that's without the Ubers that's without the babysitter so I fight album price all the time too iTunes sells them for $999. I go, it's a fucking file. I go, make it $5.99, make it $7.99, you know? I got them on that.

What do we got them on pay, those? $2? Yeah. I've always believed that the art comes first and the money comes second. Once you put that order, that's where it all goes down, shit. And that's what these agents try to do to you. They want you to put the money before the art.

I make three times more money if I play Cobbs and I play the punchline. Where do I play, Lee? Pun't time. I'm not going to give you a good show at cops. Yeah. It's none of your business, the difference, but it's substantial. And I refuse to do it because the first thing on my list...

Because unlike most people, you give a fuck. At 55. No. I was giving a fuck too much, and now I don't give a fuck on stage, but I still give a fuck about the family we've created. I don't want to insult anybody. when I come to your restaurant I'll pay whatever you want me to pay but on the right I'm stupid

there's a place in Hollywood that they saw hot dogs I'm a fat fuck this is 20 years ago I love hot dogs I remember taking my wife there one day on a date and she said to me I go how good was that fucking hot dog she was it was pretty good

but two hot dogs are lemonade and fries $28 and I didn't even dawn on me I was like holy shit that was 14 apiece for a hot dog fries and a lemon yeah it used to be a dollar you're in I'm never going there again

and I never went back in there even though they did have the best fucking chili you know which place is this this is in holly I don't even think they're still there they had this Bavarian beer chili they were put on the hot dogs or raw onions your dick would just squirt when you'd be it

so as you've been into the hot dog your dick would just go and you'd just go and you feel like that's this hot dog to me that's worth I guess that's $14 Let me tell you something The lemonade was handmade

It wasn't that fucking Minute Made shit Well any hot dog that makes me Just my pants I'll pay fucking 30 And the french fries With waffle fries And they give them to you

With alioli mustard Like this red shit Lee you have no idea It was the whole of the fat fuck And I avoided it Because it was $14 for a There's a place in seaside Hey you just woke up Lee with that story

And we're doing another bong And after this There's a place in seaside Park in New Jersey I used to go down the block from my brother's house they gave you 10 Sabret hot dogs loaded for $20 lead you know I would go that's the first thing I'd do I'd go down and get 10 for 10 what do you do with 10 hot dogs yes you bring them back I look at them I investigate what's in them what do you think I do wheeler walk you eat 10 10 hot dog right there standing there two of the time in front of the guy with two cans of coke 24 bucks and a 10 dollar tip

because the fucking chili was tremendous today you can't eat 10 hot dog motherfucker, I'll take that skinny Chinese guy and I'll take his... Yeah, we gotta... I want to see 4th July. I want to see you on that phone. Let me tell you something. No, I can't. Not anymore. But I can go. You give me 200, 300 milligrams of edibles and I starve for three or four hours. I'll have a hot dog. I'll have a fucking hard dog eating contest.

I'll eat that fucking... That Chinese kid and I won't dump the bread in the fucking water. That's one thing. I could fuck up some hot dogs, Jack. When I was a kid, that's how I built my immune system. When I came from Cuba, I believe the more hot dogs you ate, the more American you were. So I would eat hot dogs every fucking opportunity I get. In those days, they weren't Arab selling hot dogs. They were regular white people, a little dirty with dirty fingers and no gloves.

You can see when they get your hot dog out of the water, the oil would slip from their fingers. I didn't give a fuck. That's who I am today. That's why I'm alive is 55. There's those dirty water dogs in Jersey made with that Hudson River water. You can still see like a little chicken bone floating in it or a piece. They just got the water from the river? Yeah

Fuck yeah What do you think The tap water's from Wait a thing That comes from the glaciers And buffalo That's tap water From fucking Jersey City

That close in the dark You put water on at night Leaving in your bathtub You walk in the middle of night You don't have to turn the light on You can just fucking be From the light That comes from the fucking water

What do you think people In Jersey got cancer from The water I remember being in Coney Island As a little kid Doug Talk about traumatized Like if you all go home tonight And get a notebook

and write about the things that really traumatized you. Like, to be really honest with you, think about that. What would, like, that lady that said that Kavanaugh showed him his dick. And I ran right away, you got to tell me what was the dick. What was it? You have a spot on it or whatever. Really, is showing you a man's dick really that traumatizing? I mean, I saw a guy jerking off one time in the park.

It didn't affect me at all. What are you talking about? What was about six? I saw a guy jerking off of the park one day, me and my buddy's true. rocks out of his shit. We played Portland about a month ago, and the dude jacked off outside of the show. No, he didn't. Yeah, he jacked off.

And I didn't see him. The band, rest of the band saw it. I said, man, I tweeted out. I said, if he's in jail, man, I'll bail him out. I go, my show is good enough for him to jack off. If you want to jack off after my show, just don't do it in front of me. But if you want to do it outside, I'm down. I don't like jacking off outside.

I would see that. I don't like joking off outside either, but sometimes because of the sad urge. I'm not saying I was excited. I was just saying it. It made me feel good that I played a good show. We're getting the fuck out of here. We'll walk. I love you to death. I love you too, man. It's great seeing you. I'll be back here. I'm sorry I couldn't do the tour with you that I was

already confirmed, but I can't cancel Portland again. They would fucking kill me. No, well, we'll do another one. We'll do another one. We'll do another one. We got big things. I'm making it. I'm a thing I'm going to make an annual thing. We'll do it every year. We'll fucking, fucking figure something. But how much fun do we have with those shows? I had a great dog. We're fucking. when I told when I asked Fouca at the Novo

Theater if he brought his harmonica, the porn guy. Oh, God, yeah. Oh, my God, he goes, no, I forgot it. And also, he ripped it out, and he started playing it. Yeah, I got a no Ron Jeremy rule now on my show. No, you got to have my show. No, he stinks too bad. Does he really?

His body odor? Does he look like he smells good? I don't, I don't smell people. I avoid smelling. I look at Lee. I can tell he's got body odors. No, I don't. What do you think the flies follow you?

They follow you. I'm in here, I never have flies. God damn, if I don't smell like Juan Jeremy. I know your neck has some wang to it. Somebody tell me that your neck. No, they don't. Wheeler, smell my neck. I'll smell your fucking neck.

Somebody said they smelled your neck at the fourth wall and it smelled like fucking Hindu feet. I'll tell you right now, Leap smells better than Ron Jeremy. I can promise you that. Did you smell Ron Jeremy? Oh, fuck. I've still smelled. And he had Wang to him? I mean, he smelled, he didn't, it wasn't Wang.

It was just like. Was it old man? It was it was old. It was like. Old pussy. Yeah, it was like 70, like, pussy from the 70s. Oh, God, that's terrible.

Yeah. That's terrible. He started showing up my gigs, and I actually said this. I was talking to kid. You had a bunch of people to know what the novelty. You had Greg Garcia from my name is Earl.

He went to see. A bunch of people went to see. Yeah, it was a good time, man. People reached out to me next day. They're like, were you fucking surprises. We didn't know you were going to be there. When Greg Garcia fucking told me, he was there, I nearly fucking fell off my chair.

He stopped backstage, too. And by the way, so if you're listening, come to the show back at the Novo. I don't, I wish I knew the date, but it's end of November. Just come, come check it out. Yeah, you're in L.A. Listen, whenever this motherfucker's in town, you should be going in to him and saying hello. He's family with the fucking church, and he's earned his fucking right now. And pre-order my new record, please.

And pre-order his new record. How can they pre-order it, though? iTunes and any of those places. Okay, pre-order. When does it get released? What's a release date? It's called WW3. And when is the release date?

I think November 30. Okay, so you got some time now. The day before is the day you're in L.A. The 29th is... Yes, it'll be a record release. So I'm playing L.A. 29th. What night is that? Thursday.

Yeah, I'm out of fucking. You're out of town? That's a bummer. Well, if you were in town, I would have made you go on the state. Well, you know what man? Tweet it and I'll tweet it out for you and we'll figure it out. I love you, we'll walk. By the way, sorry about that rolling...

That rolling stone thing that you thought was me on the cover? Yes. You know who did that? Who? Our buddy Mikey. Yeah. Mikey Klein did that? Yeah.

That bad motherfucker. that tricked me. I was so happy for you. I called you. I'm like, he's on the cover. No, and I missed the call, and then I see you on the podcast talking about how I was too big for you.

I'm like, I'm like, I didn't miss your call. I was like, I'm the fucking called me back. You should have been, if you get on Rolling Stone, I'm the first call you made after your mother. Well, I wasn't on Roans. Because I'll come out here and talk shit about you.

These on Rolling Stone, suckers, dick. All you fucking. No, I think I was, I think I was on tour and I did. That are combing your hand, trimming your fucking toenails and fucking he's not dead. That was, That was fucking Photoshop. That was tremendous.

Yeah. You had me. I love you. I love you too, man. Thanks again. Don't forget for the release date, November 30th, and his show in L.A. at the Novo Theater on the 29th.

And where can they find all your fucking stuff? Just go to my website, Wheelerwalker Jr.com. That's it. It's that's it. All right, I want to thank Wheeler Walker again for stopping in. But most importantly, I want to thank you, motherfuckers.

Don't forget this weekend, Friday and Saturday, West Palm Beach Improv, 7.30 and 9.30 Saturday sold out. You got options. You understand? You got options. I'd rather you come early and you go home early. Well, you do what the fuck you want to do. But anyway, in two weeks from now, on the 25th, I'm in Hilarities in Cleveland with my man, George, motherfucking Perez. I got Thursday, two shows Friday and two shows Saturday. I'll see you, motherfucker's day. I can't wait to get a pastrami sandwich. But anyway, forget the pastrami sandwich for a minute. The show is brought to you by My Booky.

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You play. You win. You get paid. That's how we fucking do it. Number two, you ever look at yourself? You ever look at yourself in the mirror. And you know what? My mother's white.

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No, I just said fucking my bookie. I want to thank my people over there at Roots of Fight. They always send me T-shirts and shit. Your products are tremendous. I love Roots of Fight products. And that's it. I want to thank my man fucking Wheeler Walker. I want to thank the fucking Christkiller.

But most importantly, I want to thank the church family for being bad motherfuckers. Have a great week. Stay black. See you Thursday morning. Nice and early. We'll do the ads for a couple minutes. Open that door. To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart.

Some, somebody twice as smart as I. A somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do. with me to learn that misery loves company

wait and see see how he does it when he breaks your heart two bits let's see if a puzzle fits

so fine that's when I'll discover that avenge sweet when somebody breaks your heart like you