The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #625 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: October 10, 2018

Kate Quigley, comedian, actress, and host of the "#DateFails" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  See Joey and Kate LIVE at the New York Comedy Festival November 8-10 at Gotham Comedy Club.  This podcast is brought to you by:  Quip - Go to getquip.com/joey and try their dentist designed electric toothbrush. When you go to getquip.com/joey you get your first refill pack FREE with a quip electric tooth brush.   MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Deposit after 7pm EST and they will give you another $25 in free play.   Recorded live on 10/09/18.

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that's your first refill pack for free at get quip.com slash Joey again G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash Joey I love quip I'll tell you this you're gonna love them too number two the church is brought to you by my bookie bitches it's mid-season this is it you got baseball playoffs today you got college football you got pro football you got hoop starting a couple fucking weeks. This is the money-making part of the year. And my bookie's

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paid my bookie take that fucking mulee are you fucking nuts or what it's Wednesday March 8 no it's Tuesday isn't it it's Wednesday October 10th it's Wednesday

October 10th it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive fucking put some powder in your vats don't worry about the fucking uterus Let's get this party started. This Wednesday. Oh, what?

Are you fucking kidding me? The one and only, Kate Crinkley's in this motherfucker. Oh, hey. Uncle Joey, the Christ killer with spots on his own personal fly. We're all in the fucking house today. Here we go. That's right. I'm fucking kidding me or what.

I love me. Like I never been loved before. I love it son. I'm looking for me. I'm going up a fucking Wednesday morning. You understand me? Blowing it up here on the church. with me do you think I was telling you that I still remember when this song was on the radio when I'm

fucking nuts I don't think I've never been a female good if you're gonna take it out I was my favorite I was telling you that I still remember when this song was on the radio when this is a November of 83 I like that you played I don't think I've ever been here when you've played a girl a female vocalist oh I love all that shit I know I love all this stuff I like this song And I still remember getting in a car. It was cold. I had just come from Sarasota, Florida. I've been hiding from the cops.

And I'm in this car. And I got a job at a factory painting shells and putting boxes together. Because Entemans, when you go into a supermarket, Emperman's has a shelf. Those enthrum and shells, I would spray paint them with a gun, and then we'd put them in shells, and you'd have to build them at the store.

So I got a job. If I stayed there for 30 days, I'd become a union. It was my first shot of being a human being again. How old were you? I was 19. Oh, wow. And Fernie, my buddy, his father had the H&B diner around the corner. It was right in Edgewater, right downtown Edgewater, where they shot Copeland.

And H&B diner was the heart of the city. Like people were, it was packed every day. I don't think I knew you lived in Florida. No, this ain't fucking Florida. This is New Jersey. Oh, I was in Sarasota hiding out from the cops. Oh. I come back when I found out the cops weren't looking for me no more.

And I moved in my buddy Fernie. I love that you hid in Sarasota, by the way. That's the only, I had a friend that was in Sarasota. Yeah. His name was G. Hartman. Not like Alaska or Mexico, just Florida. Well, at that time, everybody from Jersey only goes to Florida. Right.

If you know anything about Jersey, they go to Atlantic City. It's a big time of the year when they break up the white shoes. And then the other side, they go to fucking Florida. That's it. Jersey goes to Florida. That's it. That's it. Nothing west of the Mississippi. So I had a friend that his father worked for NASA, and they lived in Florida. They moved to Florida when he was a sophomore, and he came back my senior year, all fucking

jumped up like fucking yow. Tane. Yeah. Jack. If you ever want to come down, I'm down there dying at loneliness, man. He would have taken anybody. Really? And I remember going, the cops were looking for me on a Sunday night, and I remember going, fuck I called him up I had his number I go Gary I'm coming down to me I didn't tell him the cops

are looking for me or anything no you don't usually leave with that I'll pick you up he was so fucking excited just to have somebody he was so lonely just to have somebody that knew what he was about yeah how crazy he was and shit how much time of your life would you say you spent hiding from the law hiding from the law and from people altogether maybe three years. Wow. If you combine everything. That's amazing.

So those are those first two months. But I always had something bad going on, Kate. Like there was always something in the pipe. Like criminal or just personal? I always had something in the pike I was working on. Kate came over here with a bag of Coke and she made me drop her off in front of the dealer's house. Now I knew that there was a dealer in that house. Right.

So I would walk over there one night, and then I'd find out what his name was. So I always had something working. I always had somebody looking for me. Yeah, you always had a plan. You know, if I got to the point in my life that if I wasn't in trouble, I wasn't happy. Huh. Like I lived in a place that if I wasn't in trouble, I wasn't happy. I had to go to sleep every night scared for me to go to sleep.

From the pain I was going through my mother and having no family, I got to a point that I didn't care about life, and I would just beat people. I've been there. I've been there. Just give up, you don't. Or you just almost like when you're in pain, you want to do reckless shit because somehow, like, the more reckless you are. Well, the world was mean to you, so now you're going to be mean back to the world.

Yeah. The world was a scumbag to you, and this is the first time that the world has been a scumbag to you, So your immediate reaction, or my reaction as a young man, was to lash out against the world, regardless of who I hurt. And I kept a circle of people that I didn't try to involve them, but they would always get involved because they would always hear about it. So if everybody knew Kate was my gumba, every time I did something, Kate would have to hear about it.

Yeah, of course. Your fucking buddy is up to it again. Yeah. And you're like, listen, his mother died, you know, give him a breather. to fuck that he robbed my friend's house and now he's out there doing coke and he told him to go fuck himself and you know so my friends are always getting the blunt of that and that's why today i'm really good to those people because all those times i would disappear they'd be in the barn they'd take the blunt of it damn we were coming and go where's coke car what he was talking about yeah he robbed my

house last night and we know it's him and fucking we're gonna fuck him up and my friends would giggle what would you they would they would love it they would love it they would love it That's insane. I'd be scared. They would love it. No way. Just two, three days ago, sometimes, like I said, I go to a coffee shop to write. Yeah. And I end up writing something else as an exercise.

Yeah, you told me you just write. You don't even think about it. You just write whatever. I wrote a story that was really funny to me. I met this cat when I was a freshman in high school. I really don't want to say his name. You know, I'm not friends with him. I haven't spoken to him in 30 years.

But I met this cat, and he was a rich kid. His father was a mobster, left his mother for a younger girl, typical shit. Yeah. And his father just placated it by throwing money at him. And, you know, he had his E28. He always had new cars. He always had new stereos. His mother got fucking fat and ugly.

And he had his aunt that was a half a Momo. She had had like her nervous breakdown and she couldn't go to work or some shit. A Momo? Yeah, like she just sat in the kitchen and watched game shows all day. Got it. Fucking tea. So I became friends with him through other friends And one of the guys that adopted me, Mike Runny, lit him up on one night

One night he tried to be a tough guy with Mike And that's the wrong guy to be a tough guy with And Mike lit him up at the park on 51st Street Park Blutted his face That was he broke his nose Yeah, there was blood everywhere So he always knew I was Mike's goomba So he was always kind of standoffish with me

You know what I'm saying? Yeah I'd see him, he'd say hello and he was courteous but you know I was Mike's brother and you can't tell me a story about Mike Of course You can't come to me You tell me anything about Mike

Because I'll smack you I have friends like that So me and him became kind of friends And we would take rides And they were all scared To go into the city They were reef heads So I would say

I'll take you to the spot My fee was a bag To drive them They would drive Oh And I would get out of the car Walk into the spot Get the reef

And then get back in the car And give it to them Little did they know I would take a butt out of their bag I was working him today. And I knew the guys in the bodega, they would take care of me, blah, blah. So, you know, I kind of liked him,

but he still wasn't one of my favorites. And one night when I was like a junior or the beginning of my senior year, I saw him out one night and he goes, get in the car, you want to take a ride with us? And we're smoking pot and listen to loud music going around North Bergen where I live. And he had a crush on this girl.

And the girls were hanging out in front of this park. And it was four of us. And he got out of the car and started talking to the girl. Well, guess what? The girl had a boyfriend. That was a fucking gorilla. He rolled up with one of his buddies. And without provocation, just started beating up on my buddy.

No. And just opened up. So all us three get out of the car. And I'm trying to de-escalate the situation. How? By just breaking them apart. The guy he was running. name. They called him Rocky

like his father owned the diner in Fairview, New Jersey or some shit. And the guy was a big kid, he was roared up. He fucking pummeled Perry. That was the kid's name. So we all got back on the Z-28. He dropped this off. And about a week later,

somebody said to him, dog, you know, he's mad at you because he said you didn't have his back. And I go, what are you talking about? It was four against two. We would have killed those guys. There was no reason to escalate the situation. Yeah.

They would have just come back with 20. guys and then our whole town's at war yeah let's just break it up get everybody take that punches and that's what I told me he goes well he took it like whatever so I confront him about he was well I wanted to fight him I go Perry he was knocking the fuck out of here you weren't going nowhere here there was nowhere to go so over the years him and I had had this thing we were cool because we had mutual friends so we ended up in different places I leave I go to Colorado I never think about him I move on my life. I go back to New Jersey

in 84. Everybody's a drug dealer. Everybody's in the mafia. Everybody's selling Coke. Everybody. That's insane. It's like leaving right now and coming back and when I come back Lee and you are big time Coke dealers. And I'm like he never did coke. It's so weird

though. Like how come no one just got to... That's how cocaine spread in the early 80s. It was that fast. Damn. 83 to 85 it spread like a fucking wildfire. When you watch the 7 five or the documentary they're not lying it took over like it was where they were selling you would be coming here for years to this corner to buy weed and one day you showed up and they're like

they ain't got no more we're ain't selling weed no more this is a straight up rock this motherfucker and you're like that's how quick it had taken over huh so when I moved back I bumped into him one day and he's like door I got this coat nobody else has this connection he gave me two blasts Kate, he was out of this fucking world. What did you like the first time I tried Coke? I was already doing. I was like I started at 16, but that's insane.

Now I'm 21, 22, 21, and I moved back to North Bergen for some stupid reason and I bump into him and he's telling me that he's selling Coke. His father owned the construction company so he worked construction. He was always a big giant construction, but he was a degenerate

gambler. So to to placate this chick, he had stolen that chick for that dude. No. But she was like a high money chick. You know, you don't look to a rock if you wanted that pussy. That's why she was dating the dude who his father owned the deli.

She was one of those girls. She was On the deli. That's the high money. Yeah, that's where the money is. She ain't going to date no stiff. So he had to come up with Givas to date this girl. You know, and he had the construction job. He gambled and then he told me one day he got into the Coke business.

So he says to me, you can sway some customers. in my way, I'll take care of you from time to time. So I started helping them out. It was easy in those days. Everybody was looking for Coke. Yeah. Every day you woke up to something.

It's still like that. I feel like. An eight ball, a gram, a quarter ounce. They were leaving to my amp somewhere for a month. They wanted to take it with them. There was always a way to make money in those days. So one night I saw him. We were working together for like three weeks,

me sending people over there or me picking it up from him. and we had worked out like a percentage. Yeah. Like five points a week. Give me like a fucking $100 cash. Right. And I'll tell you what. Give me a gram of Coke because it's 100 to me, but it's 65 costs to you.

Yeah. He's like, no, I'm cutting the percentage. And I was like, you just made a bad mistake. Like in the back of my mind, I know. You fuck with the wrong. Yeah, I go, you're getting robbed. Yeah. Like, I already knew I was going to rob him.

That's hilarious. Like he was just on a hook. I would just put people. people on a hook, give them time to forget about what happened. Yep. Whatever altercation happened between us, I'd give it six months. And one day when the timing was right, I'd clip you. I would bang you out.

I'd even learn your delivery schedule. That's insane. Like I knew who you were getting it from. If I would drive by and see his car in front of your house, you just picked up. That means it's in your house. That means if I go to a bar tonight and you're at the bar drinking with your friends, There's nobody at the house. You're just like me.

That means I got an hour. To get down to your house, kick the fucking day. I would just kick your door in. There was no fucking thievery or doorpecky. Well, it's not like they're going to call the cops. My blow's missing. What are you going to say? No, no, no, that's what I knew.

And then they would come to me, but they wouldn't have sufficient proof. Yeah. And I had six guerrillas that I grew up with that. Wouldn't let something like that happened to me. It's insane. You know what I'm saying? Like they wouldn't let this go down. So they was forgotten about people would just move on and go,

that motherfucker robbed me. Did you ever do that and regret it? Did anything bad ever come out of it? Yeah, I got a reputation, and then everything that happened got pointed at me. Oh, right. Then everybody thought you did everything.

So anytime somebody got robbed, it was me. And then what happened was I got accused of doing something that I really didn't do, and it destroyed me. What was it? Because they were close friends of mine. A friend of mine said I robbed his house.

I wasn't living in that area at the time. Oh. So I had to call the chief of police who I knew personally. I hung out with his son. And I go, these people, these political people, accusing me around in the house, I live up in Kreskill. I don't even come into that area because I had people looking for me in the North Bergen area. I had like three drug dealers looking for you everywhere. This was crazy.

That's insane. That's how I lived. I would beat two or three or four people for 10,000 apiece, 8,000, 6,000. and I would lock myself up in a hotel for fucking a month. Jesus. These foods, not blowing that area, and I'd wait for it to cool down. Then I'd come back like nothing happened. That's so crazy.

And nothing would happen. I've never broken into someone's house. Well, I like to get revenge, but only for personal, like if someone hurts me personally, like emotionally, I'll get fucking revenge and do crazy shit. Well, at that time, like you said, I was in pain. Right. And everything that happened, it was the world doing it to me. So I would have to rob you.

That was my way of lashing out of the world. It was my robbing people. Yeah. And sometimes I just feel like I want to make someone, like if someone hurts me, I'm like, oh, I want to make them feel it. Like, I want to teach them a lesson, but I want to do it in a way that they'll like never know it was me, but they'll feel what I felt. And then I get revenge on people.

And then I always regret it. My friend Sarah says, before you seek revenge, dig two graves, one for you, one for them. Every time I've gotten revenge, like within a month. I regret it really bad. The last person I got revenge on. Actually, the last person I got revenge on, you were with me. Well, you weren't with me when I got the revenge, but you were with me when I was talking to this dude and he hurt my feelings and he blocked my number and I was upset and he said some mean shit to me. And then I came back to L.A. Now I can say this because there's no police report, but I came back to L.A. And one night I got drunk and I put on a cape.

a super girl cape and a fuck boy patrol hat and i went to his house with my girlfriend and my gay friend in the middle of the night and i hopped a fence and then i got inside and i sat on the ground and i had no plan like i came for revenge but i didn't know what i wanted to do so then i started pulling pieces of paper and markers out of my purse and i made a bunch of signs that said crazy shit like seeking hot guy who will fuck me has to text me back if you know someone someone's one, please give him this number. I wrote a number on the sign. Then I drew a picture of me with like huge boobs.

Like I drew like a caricature of what I look like and said, this girl is DTF, no drama. This sign has been glued to your door with pussy juice. And I taped all these signs to this guy's door in the middle of the night at like 3 o'clock in the morning. But the inside of the house. Well, on the outside of his door, it's an apartment complex, actually. Let's get this out of the way. This is not revenge.

This is an act of alcoholism. No. No. That's why I was You were mad at me. You were a little mad. I wasn't mad at you. I was just...

It was revenge. It's disappointing because you're on a different level in your life. I shouldn't be dealing with that. That's just, if he fucking hurt you directly, I can see. He didn't do none. He did hurt me. You and haven't been going back in this stupid game for 10 fucking years. Five years.

So, you know, that's not revenge. I've never. There was one girl. I thought it was funny. Because she called the cops on me. Something like that. I seek revenge. But that type of stuff, you will end up in trouble.

You will dig two graves for yourself. But it was revenge. This is a small community. It was revenge for something he had said to you and say something back to him. No. To jump his fence and to put pussy juice on his door. What was it real pussy juice? A video of your pussy with you talking.

That was just a little out of all talking. You didn't think that was funny. Not even by a fucking third of it. The apology video, the talking vagina? Not even at any level. Wait, Lee. In fact, Lee and I even had a conversation, we'll tell you.

We were both like... I want to hear. No, yeah, we were both like, what are you thinking? Wait a minute. If you got in a fight with your girlfriend, me and this guy were like... That was just out of fucking bounce. The pussy video or the hopping the fence?

The whole thing. I think the pussy video is hilarious. He is not even your boyfriend. No. He is not even your boyfriend. But he was mad at me, so I sent him, okay, listen, the people don't know. I sent him a talking vagina apology. I said, I'm sorry I made you mad and I made my vagina talk.

And I said, don't be mad at Kate. Be mad at this pussy. You can even beat it up. I thought it was hilarious. That was just, that was way over. That's funny. You've been with this guy messing around when I'm playing that. games for five years.

You know, you get what you deserve. I don't play head games. People really don't know. You really got to know the animal you're dealing with in a relationship and life. And sometimes you got to learn when to back the fuck off. Yeah, but I, but you, I, he. I am the most vengeful person in the world. He blocked me.

And so, yeah. For nothing. Let me move on with your fucking life, but you don't want to be bothered. But. Now for you to jump his fence. Listen to what you did. At three in the morning. We have plans.

The cops got came. What if the cops would have showed on? That would have been amazing. I would have got a mug shot. No, what, no. No, it wouldn't have. Not in today's fucking society and today's environment. For some guy fucking smacks you and grabs your pussy and you stab them.

I'm driving you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Some guy gets out of control with you. I'll drive you and give you the weapon and get rid of the weapon and burn the gunpowder off your hand, I'll help you. Thank you. Because I'm that type of person.

I think this is worse. I know what it feels like. It's like a dear friend once told me, if you come to me and tell me the truth and don't miss a detail, I'll do anything in the world for you. Me too. But when you pick those battles,

that was just dumb for me to Z. That was the worst thing. But I think... You know what I wrote it off to? The Atterall and the alcohol. But here's the thing. Because you get crazy. I see you get crazy.

crazy and those Adderall things. I hardly ever take Adderall. You get crazy. They stock up in your body, and I could tell when you're tweeting and you're on that shit. Really? Yeah.

That's how good I am in it. I just told my, listen, I am an addicted sack of shit. I have done every drug there is. So there's one thing about me. You cannot come at me any other way. We have a mutual friend. About three months ago, I looked at him

and I go, that guy is doing blow and Lee was like I know what you're talking about I'm telling you I've been there and I know the characteristics I know the characteristics I know I've been at every

I've been hooked on viking and I've been hooked on Valium I've been hooked on coke you know I never got a dependency of heroin because I never did it back to back nights I always waited a week but I know the steps of a junkie I am a junkie that's why I was depressed with you

because the drugs had something this is something Kate the comic would have not done and this is why you have to check every level of what you do especially in today's environment you know what for me

when someone blocks me and I know it's my abandonment issues and I know it's my own shit I need to like work on but when someone blocks me like I would rather a guy punch me Then block, especially if I didn't, the thing is with that dude, and I know what you're saying, it was immature, but that guy literally like does it for fun and I couldn't take it anymore. I just snapped. I snap. That's what we do. I mean, but he doesn't even have a reason. He'll go, I love you. Blocked, bam, and then block you. You know why he blocked me? Because I said that he went down on me while I was on my period and it meant he was in love with me. And he got mad. Sure. Nobody wants to hear that. We're adults here. What do you mean?

Nobody wants to hear that. Nobody wants to hear that. We talk about puking all over. Yeah, but nobody wants to hear it or tweet it when it's about them and you're that type of guy. I didn't tweet it. I sat it on a podcast. Yeah, so what do you expect? I didn't say who.

It didn't matter. He fucking heard it. He's going to be the first one listening to your podcast. And, you know, there's just things. It's a compliment. Listen, how do you get in some of these pants? Me? When you really want somebody, how do you get in somebody's pants?

Anybody. You know how you getting in some of these pants? pants when you really want him, you'll leave him alone. Or reject him all of all. Nobody can figure it out. When you're not on somebody for two months and one night, you're like, I'm done with this bitch. You go to a strip club and you bother the same bitch every night for two months. She's not interesting.

She tells you. She's got a boyfriend or whatever. And then you go in and you pull out the baddest bitch for $800 or $1,000 or $1,000, whatever she wants. The next night, when you come back, that strip is going to be pissed off at you. It's just something about women and men. That drives us crazy. Rejection. When we get shut down. Comics have the same.

I used to study comics at the store. When a comic is big time and he's holding court, he's not concerned about the six people that are holding court. He's concerned about the one guy standing in the corner, not listening to them. Always. Okay? He's not pissed off about the seven people. He's not concerned about them.

He's got them. Yeah. I've seen stars go up. to the store, I would have been sitting in the lot, just smoking pot watching. And I would watch the so-called stars, you know, holding court. But certain comics, not even giving a fuck that they were there. And you could see it was driving them crazy. It's human nature.

It's human nature. To want the one that's not paying attention. Not paying attention to you. I do this sometimes like I was at a party one night and there was a guy I was into and all the girls were kind of into this guy. Like, everybody was trying with him. And I talked to him for a few minutes. And then I just went in an empty room at this party.

And I sat down on a couch and I just started watching TV. Like, I literally just did my own thing. I come over to you. 15 minutes later, he came in the room, hung out with me the rest of the night. And it was just because I was the one that wasn't trying. That's it. That's it. Yeah.

I felt like I won. We were talking about it yesterday how my reaction is to women. This is why if something comes up, it's bullshit because I need to break your balls like I've had a like I had and bowled one time I was on a date and I had met this girl you know it wasn't like an outline light date I knew her and we went out to eat or something and I didn't know like you ever see that movie blind date before they took it's an whole movie from 87 it's hilarious Bruce Willis and

Kim Baskinger no when Kim Baskinger really didn't know what she wanted to do she was making all these movies with these good-looking leading men. And she did this movie with Bruce Willis, and they told him specifically not to give her booze. To give her, oh, booze. There were some people that you cannot give booze to. And before I took this girl out with my demented mind, her friend pulled me aside and said,

and oh, whatever you do, do not give her out of my demented male mind. You're like, yeah, I'm giving me. That's the first thing I'm doing. No way. Yeah. So the first place I took it was for a shot. And once she had the first shot, she lost it. And she started having more shots and getting louder.

And now I'm like, what am I going to do with this girl? So I figured, let me take it back to the bar where her girlfriend's work so she could calm down. Now, by no means, I don't know. I want anybody to get me wrong. I wanted to fuck this girl more than anything in the world. She was beautiful. Yeah. I can't even believe she was on a date with me.

I was just starting to do comedy. and she had a beautiful ensemble and we were pulled up at the parking lot she's going crazy in the car like singing loud like Lee a couple weeks ago a girl came to Louise house was talking about how you waska

all this shit and Lee almost dialed 9-1-1 because Lee can't handle that shit either yeah I don't drink so a drunk woman gets on my last me too I hate drunk people there's two types of drunk women there's drunk women that are paying the ass and this drunk woman that are fun.

Yeah. She, at least this girl was fun. She was making me laugh. But as we pulled up, she turned around and looked at me, and she goes, this is a perfect place for us to fuck. And she took a shirt, and she just ripped her clothes off. That was her freak. She liked when you ripped her clothes off.

Yeah, well, who does? She ripped her clothes off. In the car? In the car, ripped her skirt off. And here we are in the park. I'm banging and I'm like out of water like she fucked the shit on me in the car I got to walk into this bar like with pussy on my breath and shit And I'm like and they're like where is whatever her name was and I'm like uh she's in the car I couldn't tell her she couldn't come in because she was her rip was shredded oh her clothes are gone

her clothes were shredded she was sitting in the car with like a blanket and waiting for me to bring on like a fucking vodka tonic So I came out I brought her vodka tonic holy shit we finished fucking in the car we went back to my place I gave her like sweat pants and a shirt now She was adopted and her real brother was visiting her of a amount of town. And her brother knew how the type of freak she was. How? When I dropped her off, she had her clothes. When I dropped her off, she had a clothes in her hand and a bundle with her heels. Like she had ripped off her top.

Wait, what did you give her to wear a shirt or something? I took her back to my house and gave her like sweatpants. Oh, my God. She was tiny. She was a tiny chick. Yeah. So I had like fine chick. I had like fine clothes, other chicks like that I had, you know, like,

A surplus over the years. You keep like a pair of panties. Of course, yeah. So I dressed her up and I remember taking her home. And I'll never forget. Like her, like she was in. Like she loved it that I attacked her and then she ripped her clothes on.

She kept telling me rip my skirt. And I was like, I can't. You know, and then we kept dating and she would tell her me, rip my clothes off, just don't rip the bra because they're $40. Rip everything else off. She would have like dollar store panties and I would have to rip them off.

Oh, my gosh. God. So, but I don't even know the point we're getting to hear. When she first told me, when she turned to me, Kate, and said, so, oh, you got to fuck. Kate, every piece of energy left my body. Like, I was ready. If I could have, I would have pressed the button. You know, the early James Bond car, you would shoot out of the car.

Like, I would have shot out of the car. Because I'm the type of guy, I have to tell you, Kate, you're looking good. Let's see what that pussy tastes like. If you bring it upon me, there's guys that fold. Huh. Have you ever been a guy where you were aggressive with him? And he kind of folded a little bit? Kind of.

Yes. Kind of. I'm one of those fucking fags. I'll fold on the fucking questioning. It's happened to me before where I'll go out with a guy. Okay, this drives me insane. If you want to get a girl to fuck you, here is a great way to do it. It's happened to me a couple times that I'll go on a couple dates with a guy and I'll be into him.

but I'll hold back on fucking him because I don't want to do it too soon because I like him, right? Or I'm trying to set some precedent like, oh, I want to actually date him. And a couple times, if I don't fuck him by like date three or four, they kind of disappear. And if I like them, then I start to try to use the sex to lure them back in. I haven't done this in a while, but there's one guy in particular. I literally, the last night we hung out, we were like almost hooked up, but we didn't. And I was like, next time for sure. We're fucking.

And then the guy never took me out again. And I would text him every once in a while. Like I would send him a hot photo. I'd be like, I'm in your neighborhood. Let's get naked. I eventually just went straight to let's fuck. Like I was just throwing it out there because I was, once someone won't sleep with me,

but I've had a taste. I want it. I want it. I can't help it. And especially when they pull back. Yes. Especially when they go, you know what?

I'm going to pass on Kate. Yeah. Because I'm like, why? What happened? And then it makes me. go a little nutty because I'm like trying to figure out why doesn't he want to fuck me and then of course like the arrogant part of my brain is like he's gay like that's my first go-to I'm like he's got to be gay why won't he fuck me or he has a girlfriend but it's happening me three or four times if I don't

fuck them by date three or four they don't try and then once I yeah once you throw it out there you send a naked photo you try too hard they're out they're out some guys cannot be and all the guys listening to it's going, yeah, Joe, you don't know where you're talking. I'm telling you, I've had friends that have told me the same situations. I had a friend that, I have a dear friend that I still talk to. And when we were kids,

I was living in Colorado, went home, and one night, he goes, I want you to meet me at this bar. I want you to meet me to my new girlfriend. And her name was Karen, but after years we started calling a crazy Karen, she was the real deal. And this was like maybe their

fourth date or their fifth date and he got up to go to the bathroom and she looked me straight in the face and she goes so what i got to do to get your friend to fuck me and i was like at a bar i was 21 i didn't know how to react like what are you talking about and she goes i've done everything i can for your friend to fuck me is he gay he was gay lover like i and she was from jersey she was like are you a faggot is he a faggot with you and he walked back right into the conversation and he goes what's going on we're just talking He goes, no, no, tell him. What's the deal?

You ever going to fuck me? And he fucking turned bail. And he was like, what type of fucking woman are you? Like, I was in shock, and then they ended up dating for years. Oh, they fell in love. Yeah. But after that, she was crazy, Karen. So it worked, though.

See, but, like, that's my, like, dream. Like, I was always, like, when you said that, like, if you like someone, the way to get them is to not pay attention to them, I didn't get that memo. Like, I, like, yeah. You have to figure it out. And I did now. But no, it's true. I've been single home like 10 months. And when I don't return a call or if I like have to cancel because I have a podcast or I'd rather do an open mic, they call it like they're, all they want to do is come over.

And I was nice for 28 years, 29 years. And it got me nowhere. And like it's so that that annoyed me. but then it also, I would love, like, it's crazy that you don't like when girls are aggressive. I, like, that's what I need. No.

I would love that. Oh, you need a girl to smack in the face. Not only anyone to smack me, but I like, the smack in the face. I like, sometimes I feel like a pervert because as guys,

you always have to be the one to initiate. You do not. Well, but once a girl initiates, I don't know, I like the guy to kind of like manhandle me a little, but every once in a while, it's fun to dominate a guy every now and that.

I don't want to be dominated, but just like, you just to, you need to get dumb. You need all these things. Every once in a while. You need to smack you open hand in the face like Kabeeb did to Connor McGreg in the third round. Just bidslap you and call you a faggot.

Eat my pussy, you little fucking faggot. You're like, fuck you. Don't want me a faggot. You need a girl to throw you down and just sit on your face. Then she backhand you with like a glove. Eat my pussy, you fucking little Jew faggot. And you're like, don't call me a Jew. You're anti-Semitic and all this shit.

Wait, Lee, do you eat ass? No. No. Not a chance. Why? There's poop up there. You don't have to stick your tongue all the way up it? You don't even like lick around it? There's plenty of other things to do.

Seven years I've tried to get into it. You have to. No, I don't. That's what brings them back. There's shit up there, and I don't care how many showers you take or how little you eat. You have a story about taking tinfoil out of a woman's butt hole. But I'm still here. Did I die?

Did I die? No, I'm still fucking here. That's what I'm saying to you. I know, but I don't want to live my life having eating some of his assholes. You eat somebody's pussy, you flip her over, you lick her asshole. Even if you get a little piece of shit on your tongue? No, no, no, no. It's no big deal.

Oh, yeah, of course. You've been, go look up the rate of a fast food burger. Remember when they did that movie years ago about McDonald's? Yes, but it's not wrapped up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, they last forever. That they had a 98th of a burger, those frozen burgers at McDonald's. They didn't say McDonald's. It was called Super Size Me.

Super Size me. And it said that every hamburger, they found fecal matter on every hamburger. There's fecal matter on your phone. There's fecal matter everywhere, but I'm not going to stick my tongue in the source. But there's probably some on this cup. I don't want to get fecal matter from a phone. But if I'm going to get fecal matter, I'm going to get it from a girl's asshole. I'm getting it right from the source.

My thing is, if you, like, I like guys that, like, love to devour women. So ask them to do it. That's why you always be single. That's fine. If I have to do that together, I don't want to do that. You were in love with Paula because you didn't have to have sex. You were. No, I like having sex.

I don't. Once a week. She wouldn't suck your dick in the morning. She wouldn't suck your dick at night. She wouldn't suck your dick when you would dry. You know, you like that because you don't want to be, you have to be free with a woman, Lee. That doesn't mean I have to eat asshole.

You have to eat asshole. That's all part of it. It's just, we really like it. If you love somebody and you get a little fecal matter on your tongue, a little piece of shit, no deal. You spit it out like a watermelon seat. You ever get a watermelon seat in your mouth? You just spit it out.

And you keep eating that fucking asshole like it's a, fucking like a cupcake. I mean, I understand not wanting shit on it because like... Don't you want to please your partner? Have you... Not in that way. Oh my God, you don't know what it's like to put two fingers in their pussy from behind. Just move it gently and at the same time

lick that little asshole. Lick it and machines on their tongue and they'll start going, and you just start fingering them fucking harder and then you put three fingers in there and you start switching it like a washer and dryer. Tell it's Kay Quigley and that pussy's making noise. What's a

soon drive. When it goes like this, like, like the spin cycle. You put three fingers in there and you spin cycle and then you spread it out, you do like the three, you give like a three single and you eat that ass the whole time and then moaning and groaning and then all of a sudden you feel a different type of grease coming out of that pussy.

It's like a... It's like a different type of babukia juice. And it's making noises and you're fucking, you grubbing and then you press the clip with your thumb like a fucking savage You fucking turn it around and your whole hand is spinning. They're going crazy. Yeah, but you don't need to lick the asshole.

You already got to play. You lick the asshole. You do the spinner. And then you take their leg and you fucking spin them violently. And you pick up the one leg and you put it right here in your shoulder. And you just stick your dick. You have two choices, right? Fresh in their asshole because it's nice and mamuked up from your tongue.

No, you can't just stick it in there without, no, you can't. We need permission. There's consent. No, don't say. I just had my tongue in your ass. That's a hint. Tongue finger, no, that's very different from a dick. Well, no, no, no.

I'm going with the tongue, and then before I switch up in the tongue, I'm going to take my finger from up here and stick it in your asshole. And if I can push it all the way back and feel connected with the other finger with the other finger. Your finger is a lot smaller than your dick. My finger is a lot. Yeah, but that's why I'm priming it. I'm priming it. I'm warming up the joint.

But what I'm doing is I'm putting the malukia finger in your pussy. I want my index finger to meet my pinky. What the fuck is the malukia finger? Well, look at your fingers that Ronnie James Dio does, like this. So if I could put my finger, my big finger in your asshole, and then my pinky in your pussy, and touch them together deep. And now, let me explain something to you. When you have your finger in their asshole that deep,

the cave of death opens up. Oh, my God. And there's going to be like a smell of ass in the ear. Not always. Which one is the cave of death? The cave of death is the asshole. Okay. Once you have the cave of death open in the room and you're fingering them,

and it's going, and you start, and you see it. And you got spitting your finger. It does smell. You could smell the inside of that kidney. You can smell deep in the kidney. But you don't give a fuck because you're in love. You're pleasuring your partner. She knows.

So right there, the asshole, is three quarters open. Plus, it's lubed with saliva. The best loob there is. You flip them over and you keep that one leg by your ear. It's water base. You hook the fucking arm in. You hook it in so the leg can't go nowhere. And you got two ways to put your fucking cacuzza.

and their little muffler while they play with their pussy in front of you, which Kate loves. You put it in their ass and they start playing with that monkey and you just pound on their fucking asshole and you reach over and grab the far shoulder to get momentum. So everybody, oh yeah, oh yeah. You didn't need to draw a diagram of whatever. This is craziness.

This is what fucking animals like Kate, what you have to do to? I mean, I stop letting guys put their dick in my ass after you told me they wouldn't take me to dinner anymore. Let me ask you this. If a guy puts this, like, we're doing coke, we're coked up. I got a fucking, or Viagrim me, the cocaine, the kick the game dying. So I'm banging Kate, and she's playing with her maloose stick himself, right? Now I can't mix dicks and asshole.

No, you can't mix. So now I got to pull it out and come in the mouth directly while she's playing with a pussy. That's the party. So you want to suck a dick that has shit on it? She don't give a fuck. She's a savage. Do you think she's concerned about fecal matter? I would be.

She just got fucked to death. Her insides feel like fucking they threw a bomb like the Korean shot a missile in her pussy. That's what it feels like right now. She's sucking that dick like to get her oxygen back in her with her. No, no, I don't. And now you start coming and while she's swallowing. I don't want FECO matter in my mouth. So why don't I have to get my mouth?

But it's four in the morning and you're already in. You already lick this ball. I don't do anal anymore. You already pissed on you, you know, the whole fucking deal. I like a finger in there while you fuck me maybe. Like, you know, I'm cool with that. Which finger? Or finger thumb, whatever.

Which finger? The middle finger. It doesn't matter. A thumb. They want something in there. And when you get the finger up their ass, you know what the closure is? Does it closer? Yeah, you hook it.

What? You hook the asshole with the finger. You don't leave it in there straight. I have to hook. That's why I call it the most. Are you hooking to? Whatever's in there? And I pull you towards me from your asshole.

From in your asshole, I pull you. I trim my fingernails, so I pull you deep in so it doesn't scrape the inside of your asshole. And it's like that hook is the whole thing. The finger in the ass is nothing. It's when you curl your fingers and you scrape it. You ever hear two cats fucking? And the cat, the mama cat's like, that's because he's scraping that helmet. I don't think I've heard two cats fucking.

Oh, it's terrible. You have like seven cats. You're a cat's fuck? No. No. You hear it outside. In Israel, there's hundreds of stray cats. so you hear it every night. It's terrible.

Oh, I haven't been to Israel. That's not what I think of. And then, after you come in their mouth, and they finish playing with that pussy, you mysteriously, like, get your hand to their face so they could smell their own pussy and their own asshole. And women love all that shit. It doesn't seem like they do. We have one here.

She doesn't seem like they should. She didn't say a word about it. Listen, here's what I have to say. She loves, this is the mindset you have to have when you're going to be a savage. I'm very careful to be sex ready to the point where, like, If I shit during the day, I'm not kidding. If I shit during the day, I will, like, get back in the shower and make sure everything is clean in case I hook up. And I will even, like, go so far as to, like, clean up my but my butthole.

Not for anal because I'm not doing that until I'm, like, in love, but for a finger. Do you look asshole? If a guy wants me to, I will. But I will say I will make sure he's had a shower. I'm not looking a guy's shit. Fuck that. No, no, no, no. You go in the shower, that's what I'm saying to you.

A piece of American goes in the shower. Yeah. Like if I'm, if I expect a girl to suck my balls, my balls are in bad shape. You understand me? So I got to give them all the attention they can. I go in the shower, I dry them off nice. Do you like a specific soap? Like a real intense soap?

I got this creamy. I didn't use like a lufa, the lufa the lufa the lufa the lufa the lufa. You lufa your balls? I do. That's nice. And I lufa, and I have a little lufa I cut out. You cut it out. and I luf him my asshole because that hummus delivers around your asshole.

Hummus? And when you lick somebody's assholes, they can wipe all you want, put water around it. Yeah. But barnacles from the shit will clean up to the sides. So you have to get those barnacles out. So that's why I get the lufa and I stick like a quarter inch on finger. See, she can even know about the barnacles. I don't even trust her ass.

I clean up my ass with Summer Zee. And I've heard it tastes like Skittles. The girls that fuck the most clean their pussies the most. I don't fuck the most. The girls that fuck one guy a month or one boyfriend, that they have filthy fucking disgusting snatches. I have fucked chick that will fuck a different guy every weekend that pussies have been marvelous

because they know it's apparatus. They got to keep it clean. It's a chick you start dating. They eat their ass in the morning and it smells funky because they take you for granted. I'm actually kind of the opposite because you know that I don't have sex that much. No, you never.

But because I am, really horny. I'm always ready. So if the opportunity presents itself, I don't want to have to say no because I know that I like took a shit and didn't take a shower. So I'm just always ready, you know? I've gone, I went to a girl's house after a spot and I took a shower there. Like I was like, that's okay. I've done that. I've been out of the, I was sweating the entire show. I would appreciate that. Yeah. I recently hooked up with a guy. This is a new one for me. I hooked up with a guy and it was just okay. But I knew we had potential for it to be amazing.

But I think he was just a little too drunk, so he wasn't like as hard as he could have been. And then we ended up not hanging out again. And it's been really bothering me because it's the first time in my life a guy ever fucked me and didn't hit me up to do it again. And now it's like I'm on a mission to fuck him again because I need like, I have to like prove that it can be better.

Like I feel like it was mediocre. Well, it's like when you take that girl out the first time and you don't expect to have sex. That's funny because I wrote a joke about that years ago. About a particular girl that I saved money for to take her out and I was going to be the perfect gentleman. But the first night turned into a fuck fest. Really? But on the way home, I forgot to lick her asshole. Like on the way home, I was like, fuck.

So rude of you. That's how rude. I didn't flip her over. I didn't lick her asshole. I didn't come in the mouth. There was so many things I had. done. Can you believe?

I hit her up. This is 11. Rude. This is when I'm 22, 23. I was a fucking animal. I had no manners. In fact, this is in Colorado. And I called the girl back up and we went to a movie.

Like, after you fuck somebody, like, there's two parts of you as a young man. You really want to be romantic and do something with them. But at the other time, you want to take them home and fuck him and show them what you could really do. Like, you even bring notes this time, eat her ass. Bring notes. This time, choke him.

Like a set list and I remember going out with her and I like stuck my foot in my mouth. It was like dinner in a movie and it was one of those movies that just would not end You were dying and the whole time I'm fantasizing them I eat her pussy and sucking the titties and and eventually I went over there but it was humiliating four hours of fucking nonsense for me like you forget You forget like you were so hot and the moment that you forgot to look at the pussy in the light or shit like that so it would force me to call them back that's how crazy I was at that age yeah particular age yeah I was that crazy but I learned something when I was really young I was in love with a girl I was brutally honestly in love with this girl my mother had died something had happened and I thought this girl would

save my life you've been in love with somebody you think they're going to save your life like Yeah. That's how much in love I was with this girl. And I played this stupid game of her, you know. I played this stupid phone game with her. And I knew the girl won a dick. Like, I knew it. I'm not, I'm not that crazy.

But the girl held me off. She held me off. And then she made a bad mistake. One night we were having a conversation. She goes, like, somebody like you, I would never, ever hook up with you. And I hadn't said nothing to it. And my feelings got really fucking hurt. Like here I was thinking I was making progress with the girl.

You know, she doesn't have a boyfriend. She always breaks my balls. But if I'm dating somebody and I was like, okay, you're telling me, you're trying to tell me I'm not going to get you in bed. You got the wrong guy. And I'm not even going to cause me. I'm going to do it straight out. I'm not even going to cost me. You know what I'm saying?

That's not even going to be alcohol. Yeah. Like I'm gonna prove it to you. I'm gonna prove to you. It was a challenge. I'm gonna fuck you while you're fucking strong sober. It took me two years, Kate. But the reason it took me two years was because I walked away from her. And the first night we re-hooked up after I hit her pussy in the car and the whole thing, after lobster fraud Diablo. And she broke down. I don't know. We were 18. You know, she broke down. And she said that. those are the hardest years of her life when I wouldn't call her for six months at a time. Like when I cut you off, I cut you off.

Like I don't even pull a Vinny. Oh. I don't even block it. I hate that shit. You just stop answering. Yeah, when I was at that age, at that age I had a motto. I lost my mother.

By the age of 22, I had an adage in my life. And the adage was, if you loved me, you wouldn't do this to me. Yeah. And I took that for friends. I took that adage for everything. You're able to stick to that. And I told, even with a woman, when I would date a girl,

like we would date for a few weeks and they would do something crazy, and I was out of there. Because for years I stayed and I played the pussy girl. Oh, really? Yeah, listen, so what? You give a piece of pussy to somebody else. You let me come in your eyeball? Nobody else is going to do that for the price you let me do it.

I take into a hotel. I got half a gram of Coke and I come on your face and you scooped it, come off your tits and put it in your mouth, that's priceless. You want to cheat on me, cheat on me. I'll cheat on you, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I had already gone through those levels. But then came the level of if you really love me.

This is not when we date and we fall in love. Right. I'm talking about friendship love. Yeah. If you really love me, you wouldn't do this. So that was a time period after I was like, it was really bad after I got divorced. But the first time you did something, I didn't love you. I gone the phone start getting picked yeah gone gone I'm the best of doing it because I lost my

mom and my dad so I know how to cut people out of my life it's weird because I can do it really easily with friends I would do it to friends now I do it to people but I have to do it like I was good like the first person I did it to was that girl huh we after that night that she told me she wasn't going to sleep with me I still remain kind of friends but my my you know my fucking feelings Your feelings have been hurt. Yeah. So I was kind of cold to her. And then one night she came up to me somewhere outside and said some shit to me like,

like I just, I just stopped liking her for a while after she said that to me. And I didn't know that it was bothering her. Oh, of course. So she came up to me one night, went off on me and threw a cup of vodka in my face. And what she didn't know was she left the iced tea that she was, drinking, she was drinking outside with her friends on the floor. It was cold out. The iced tea was half cold, and I walked up behind, and I poured the iced tea on her head.

Oh, my God. And I'll never forget her shrugging her shoulders because that iced tea was cold, and it was cold out. You're going to throw a glass of vodka in my face. I even say nothing to you. That's crazy. Yeah, she was drunk, so she just came up to me, and she's like, what is your problem lately? You don't talk to, and she threw the fucking glass of vodka. I'm not staying hit by an old woman.

so I cut her off completely. I cut her off for about a year. And then I had a birthday party and she didn't make it and the next day she called me. Like I didn't invite her, but she called like nothing that happened. We became friends and I kept her on a short leash.

You know, if she told me she was going to be somewhere, I'd go, I'll meet you and that I wouldn't show up. Oh, no, no, I'm fucking cute. So at 18, I already had it. I already had this thing with this broad. Oh. Yeah, I'll see you. I'll see you at that bar today.

You and your girlfriends will be up to. I'll see you. Nothing. That shit makes me crazy. I would do that to her twice a week. Oh, my God. She wasn't my girlfriend. No wonder she fucked you.

She wasn't my girlfriend. She wasn't nothing. She wasn't my girlfriend. She wasn't anything to me. But we always had this little light. We would go out to the same bar. All right, we would both go to a comedy store. You would go talk to Dan.

Cook and Joe Rogan and I would go talk to fucking, you know, Eliza and fucking Whitney Cummings. Yeah. And then I would talk to girls. You would talk to guys. And throughout the end of the night, we'd just be getting closer to each other. So by two o'clock, we would be back to back. Oh, my God, what a coincidence. Yeah.

And she would ask me to light a cigarette and we'd talk. And I saw you talking to that girl. And here we weren't even dating. Like, there was nothing on paper. We hadn't fucked. Nothing. We hadn't even swapped spit. We had swapsed two years earlier one night.

And she was like, that'll never happen again. So I knew I had her. So I was like, fuck you, bitch. So I stopped showing up in different places. I would tell you, I'll be down there. And then I stopped showing up. I stopped showing up. I would go and get fucked up with my friends.

And then I didn't care at all. And people come up, like, what? Bro, she was looking for you at the bar last night. I'm like, I got this bitch. And then one day out of the blue, she called me. And she goes, so what are we going to fucking stop fucking around? And what are we going to do this? I don't know.

It's up to you, depending on your behavior. And I went her for lunch, didn't kiss her. Nothing. Sent her away. I gave her Coke to hold for me, and her mother found it. Oh, my dog. And she didn't tell her mother. She kept it.

And the mother's like, are you on Coke? And she's like, no, I'm a whole different friend of mine. She was cute, cool as shit. She was cool as fuck. and I had played her like a fiddle. It took me four years, two, after she told me she wasn't going to sleep with me. So what happened? And then she asked me,

when are we going to fucking put this shit aside? I'm going to do this. And I said in time. And then I had robbed the jewelry store that afternoon. Like I spoke to her that morning. And that afternoon, I told I was to see her that night. It was a Tuesday. It was a Tuesday in, like, June.

the beginning of June, we had just gotten out of high school. And on the walk home, we went to Calberto's to get a Cuban sandwich. Me, Fernie, and two other dudes. It was Fernie's birthday three days ago, and I wished him a happy birthday, and he said, thank you. That was good enough for me. That put a smile on my face. It was June of 82, and it was me, Fernie, Stinky, and this kid Pelly.

And we went to Gilberto's, and I'll never forget saying to them, Hold on one second. Let me see what's going on across the street. And Michael. They were in the car. We went to get food. And I walked across the street. Didn't have a buzzer on the door.

I opened the door, walked into the jewelry store. I had a football jersey on and that was fishnet. Yeah. So you could see my nipples and shit. Okay. So I had a football shirt on that was fishnet. Okay. That's how buffed I was.

Damn. And from here, it was like a regular white t-shirt. and had white numbers on it and the rest you can see was my stomach so the lady comes out to me and I go she goes how can I help you today I want to look at wedding red rings I was 18 years old

oh my god and those days I would go in there and they would put the rings out for me like 30 rings yeah but I would look and whatever one would have two rings and the same thing I would just take a ring and put it in my hand and I would put it in my socks I was a kid I would have shorts on

oh my god and one time I wanted to and took two rings. And I brought him to a friend of mine, he paid me for the diamond, like $300 or something. So here I am. I'm standing in this liquor store, in this jewelry store.

My buddies are in the car, like, waiting to go home. And the lady brings the tray of diamond rings, and she turns her back. She goes, hold on, I have to talk to another custom. And the place was packed. And I took the rings, put them under my shirt. All of them? To go, Jack.

Oh, my God. And I walked out. out of this jewelry store into the car my friend's like, what are you holding? And I took the finger rings on. They're like, oh shit, you fucking did it. You crazy motherfucker. Oh my God. So I went to

Kurt D. Lorenzo's house, got rested. So it's like I'm going to West Palm Beach this weekend and Louis Castleto's coming Saturday night. And if Lewis Castleto comes to the show on Saturday night, if you're listening, I'm going to pull him up on stage and I'm going to tell stories about me and Kurt D Lorenzo. Look, I'm getting

emotional. Just thinking about. because people are going to go, holy shit. I hung out with Louis from 1980 to 1984 or 85. I knew Louis all my life. But what we and Louis did together, when we had the story about Kurt and John Crowley and how we hung out together once a week, it's going to kill that West Palm Beach Improv.

Like he says he's coming for the second show, or the first show on Saturday. If he shows up, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to stop my act, I'm going to get a microphone and I'm bringing Louis Casino up on stage and I'm going to open up with the story about when we

me and him may believe that we didn't hear sirens a buddy of us. We all took acid and we were walking home for the fan of the cinema. You're pretending not to hear him and they were there because one of your friends? My friend kept saying, you guys hear that fucking siren and you could hear it. It was loud as fuck.

And me and I look at Louis like what it looked like. No. And Louis, like, I don't hear no siren. And I'm like, I don't hear no siren either. The guy's like, come on, you hear a siren. I can't be tripping that hard on the ass. Me and Louis, look at each other like, bro, you are tripping that heart on the ass. I just told the story.

There was a puddle on the floor. There was a pothole with like three inches of rainwater. And the kid looked at us and we kept saying, we didn't hear no fucking. Oh, my God. And he bent over and he started throwing puddle water. Shut up. Rainwater. They just ran away.

Wait, wait. I want to know about the jewelry store. So, okay. Don't they have cameras? This is 1983. They did have a camera. Because of this incident. These people didn't even have a buzzer on the door at the time.

It's insane. So this is June of 82. Now, I had robbed them over the last two years, maybe ten times. Single digit things. Single digit things. A bracelet, a ring. A fucking. little fucking thing.

And that time, before, well, listen to this, before I robbed the jewelry that day, but when I was looking at the wedding bands, I look over on the counter, and there's this circle thing. The thing that you spin around? Yeah.

And it had gold chains in it. And on the bottom, it had gold bracelets. And I remember looking at it going, that's next. Oh, my God. And I took the rings, put it under my shirt, walked out, got in the car with those four savages.

I told him to take me to Chris D's house. The fish man And I go fish, fish, you got to get rid of these for me And he got me I think it was 600 a piece from It was 6,000 a piece It was a ton of fucking loop I think I cleared 12,000

Something like that was something weird I gave him a thousand for making the deal Because they couldn't be traced back And we went on a tear And that chick was waiting for me And at the time we were buying coke from this dude named Mr. McGrath. He used to smoke camel cigarettes.

We used to call him the camel. Camel breath because he would smoke camel, no filters, and his mustache was red, and his fingers were red. And he would sell you the Coke already in a bottle without the spoon on it. So he would sell you the Coke already in a bottle. He was the only guy that didn't sell bindles. Everybody else, you know what a bindle is? Everybody else had a bindle.

He sold you out of the little spoons. So I called that girl about six. And I go, Doug, I didn't tell her what I had done. She wasn't part of that world. She didn't know that we were a bunch of fucking criminals. Degenerates. And I said, I'll meet you at the bar at about 10, 10, 30. In fact, I'm going to go.

In those days, that kid Louis Castellito, his street name was Digger. And we used to hang out of a pizza place named Roma Pizza. And next to it was like a business, but at night it was closed and had stairs. And we could sit there on that wall until maybe 20 years ago. He fucking went up there one night and wrote Digger on the wall. So when we were sitting there, it's a digger. And this is summer of 82. I got to meet this broad.

And I went and bought 10 of those little vials. Jesus. And me and my buddies sat on Kennedy Boulevard, which is like sitting on sunset. Yeah. We bought a fucking case of nips, which is eight six packs. We hit them to the side so the cops wouldn't pull over. And we just sat down the steps, doing blow out of the things, drinking beer.

I popped a couple of violins and I blacked out and I didn't meet her, which drove her even more crazy. I woke up, blacked out. I woke up blacked out. I was at home like one of Cosby's victims. I had to sit up and think about what happened the night before. I remember sitting on the stairs. I started eating pills and snort and coke. I woke up.

I still had like 9,000 cash and I still had like two Coke vows, and I called her right up. And she's like, what happened to you last night? Jesus Christ. and I go, we got fucked up with these guys. This took all week. And then I was supposed to meet her again. Wednesday, it was ladies' night at this bar that we used to go to. So what you did was you gave it a broad 20 bucks.

It was 50-cent drinks. Oh, so they'd buy your drinks all night. Yeah, so you gave them 20 and said, go put it, started to have, just buy me vodka, Collins. So fucking crazy, man. And I was supposed to meet her again. Bam, again, I went to Jersey City, got a package. We went to some street.

Club, I didn't meet her again. Oh my. I would have murdered. And listen to me, guys, I was brutally in love with her. Like, my whole day was thinking about us having kids and getting married. Like, I'm not shit, nobody. I was so heartbroken from my mom's death and I was yearning such a family

that I actually thought I was going to marry her and have kids. And, you know, I was a fucking common thief. I'd quit high school. This girl had a great family. You know, her family was going, oh, they all went to college. They had a family business in the fucking area. And it was, it was just fucking crazy. You know what's crazy about that story is the guy that we were talking about earlier that you said

we've been going on for five years with this bullshit. When I first, first met that guy, I was so in love with him. Right? In love. You're in love. But I had never done drugs when I met him, ever. Really? Yeah. I didn't ever try cocaine until I was like 32. or something. I met him when I was like 30. So he would do that shit to me where like we would go out and I was like I felt like he was so in love with me. But then half the time he would just blow me off and not answer and not show up. And no guy had ever done that to me. And it would make me fucking insane like so crazy. But years later, I always assumed he was sleeping with a whole bunch of other chicks. And that was why I'm like, oh, this guy's just fucking a bunch of girls.

Later, when I learned about drugs, I realized, oh, once he starts partying getting fucked up, I'm not going to hear from him. Like, they would do blackout shit. Like, he would send me photos the next day of him in like a freezer at 7-Eleven, like, you know, stupid naked or something. So now, in hindsight, I'm like, oh, I don't think that it was that he was fucking a bunch of people. It said he was always high. That's what would happen. When I went out with my friends in those days, no matter how good looking we were,

I got to look you in the face, look you in the eyes and tell you this, we did not go out to pick out pussy. That was the least of our problems. That's what I mean. We went out to get fucked up. That's how these guys were. We didn't want to talk. We wanted a nod on fucking ludes. We would get, our goal was to get fucked up, wasted, whatever you call it, whacked.

See, back then I never. That was the lingo. Yeah. Wack tonight. Lots of guys. We're going to get whacked. I was never like that. Like even when I parted.

even now if I go I went to Dan Vilserian's party a couple weeks ago which is like a huge party like people go to get fucked up I don't like I'll party a little but like I go to meet people and like flirt and have fun I don't want to meet I don't want to talk to nobody on that table I don't want nobody that belongs there on our table we would go out to get fucked up and if a girl dared to come into our lair we would say a couple things to her and if she wasn't on board we'd say Pellier our layer and Pellie would say something to her horrible when the girl would just walk away. He had no he had no remorse for anything so if a girl did come into our lair and talk to us we would tell him right off the bat listen where's that piece of ass you were talking about and they would look at us like what are you talking about telling me tell him to take a hike because I had a buddy who was Indian and Italian very good looking blue-eyed brown hair but whenever he would drink. That's how he would pick up girls.

See, there's two approaches to pick up women. There's the nice approach, and from him, I learned that there was no nonsense approach. He would just look you straight in the face and go, Kate, you have nothing going on. You're going to sit at this bar with these fucking losers, really? Listen, you've got a quarter-ounce of Coke.

You got two bottles of Don Perignon. Let's go back to my place, I'll stick Coke rock up your pussy. A woman would freeze, like they would just freeze. Yeah. Like, they would just lose their inhibitions and go, okay. And he would go tab, whatever. He would pay her tab.

Before the girl even knew what she was doing, she was in the car going to suck dick. It was too late to get out. It was too late. That never works on me. He would talk them right into it. Like, Kate, you're up here at the store. What do you know?

You're wasting your time. Go do a bump of this and come back. I got an eight ball. This is just at the house. We'll stop at the house. Go get a bikini. Come back to my house with a jacuzzi. I'll eat your asshole.

We'll get this party started. And girls are just looking. Look at him. I remember seeing him when trying pull a piece of ass at the beach. A piece ass. At the beach. That I could see. Took her under the fucking tunnel.

Fucked her and they came back like nothing happened. Like he just met her at the beach. At the beach in front of me. Two minutes, talk to her. I can't imagine that. Next to her on the towel. Next thing you know, they went up. They were holding hands.

They went into water. I saw them making out. Next thing you know, they went that way. Then they came back on the way home. He goes, dog, I fucked the shit out of her. under the fucking bridge. No comment. Straight cock.

This is 82 before. Straight cock. I've never been able to do that. He was fucking people straight up. That's insane. Straight up gangston. And Coke is that big of a deal for some women? Like, they'll be like...

It makes you horny. Give me a credit card. You have your license on you? Yeah. When I first moved to Aspen in 84, this was the... This was the cocaine. How do you get a girl in Aspen? Make this noise.

I mean, it still works at some parties. It makes her coming over to your house a lot easier. Jesus. Like nothing. And you don't have to ask twice. You just say that. I'm sorry, Kay. Just go listen.

I got a grandma blow at the house. I love those pants on you. Let's go back and eat your pussy. You pay for your tab. You don't say another word because the first person who speaks losers. Don't even let it talk. Just pay, go through the motions and turn your back. It doesn't work on.

Most people follow you. Because I don't like to have sex too high. So if I do too much, I don't want to do it. We're not going to really tell you about the sex. We're going to feel it out first, try to lure you back with the Coke. And the quailudes and another broad is coming on. The quail lutes.

Another broad is coming over. That's either half a biscuit. What the fuck, you know? You know what really worked on me recently is someone. Magic. I know. You're fucking Mo Mo-Maw. A fucking magician.

He was a wicked. He was a rabbit out of a hat. like fucking come it all over yourself. We got it together. But actually that guy, okay, that guy managed to seduce me in a way that no guy ever has and it works so well.

And now in hindsight, I'm like, I probably was retarded and it was like clearly game. But this was his whole thing. His whole thing was, I'm so innocent. I never do, I've never done any of this. I never, like every time you would touch me, like he touched my leg and go, I'm sorry, I'm touching you.

I didn't even, is that okay? Is that okay? Is that, he kept asking permission and acting awkward, kind of like how Leo. I was you say I'd do that. Yeah. But then, like, he kept on, like, he'd get a little closer. And then he kind of cuddle me.

And then before I knew it, he was like, is it okay if I just feel your ass? And I was like, yeah, you don't have to keep asking, like, you're harmless. Like, he was making me almost feel like, God, he's never done anything. Like, I need to, like, let this guy have some fun. Like, he seems kind of nerdy to the point where he even said to me, you're not going to believe I fell for this. He said he's never felt fake boobs. This is a rock star. He said, I've never felt.

I've never felt. fake boobs do they feel normal I was like do you want to touch them like I seriously believed everything great thing about this town is there's only one of the town that equals the disgust and the level of men like this town

it's Washington oh politicians like when me and the stripper broke up we remained friends we really remained friends like we there was a bumpy period there for three minutes that was awkward and then it was funny because she showed a the improv. She goes, I really miss watching

you do comedy. You mind if I bring a date. And one time her and I had gotten into an argument and she pushed me and I pushed her back and I got arrested for assault. Oh shit. And I never forget that she showed up with this guy that was steroided out to the gills.

And Josh Wolf was standing next to me and I look at Josh Wolf when I go if she thinks I beat the fuck out, I don't wait though this fucking Tarzan. You're laughing her asses off. But I saw well, what happened to her? She was a really pretty girl.

I met her when she was 25, and we moved here when she was 28, her peak. And she was a sexual deviant. Like, she lived to be a sexual deviant. You know, she would call me and tell me her pussy was Bombay and all that fucking lingo shit, which drives me crazy, you know. What does that even mean?

I don't know, I forget that she would dye her hair blonde and she would die her pussy hair blonde and put a little streak for me. with a fucking, what's when you go, bam? What are you putting? A lightning bolt? Exclamation point? Exclamation point?

She would put exclamation points on a pussy and dying blonde. I mean, she was crazy. This is what she did. She grew up in a cult. She was abused as a child. This is the result. But one thing I noted about her was, and this is why I did get upset about the video,

and I did get upset about the nonsense with Vinny. Because the duration for chicks that play, playing that world, it's not a good longevity. It's like they say a running back, that's three years in this career, you can't play this game for a long time. Yeah, no, you're right. I'm not mad at you and I'm not here to judge you

or put you down, but I care about you and love you. That night I was very disappointed because the percentage of women that this town eats up and spits out, it's amazing. That's true. And I do not want you to be one of those women. Me neither. You don't need half of these good dudes that you've dated

We've been friends They're pure garbage I know I mean they're not even There's not even a little bit of classroom Except for the guy that you did that stuff I really like him You do?

Yeah there's something about him He's a respectful young man That's why I told you don't play with him Yeah You know two things happened this last week And things happen in life That people don't understand You know, I was watching the Nicole Simpson, O.J. Simpson.

I tell you, and I tell Lee, and I tell the people who listen to this podcast every day, I want you to know the animal you're messing with. Before you go to that next move, before you go to that bar or that function, he was so cool. He worked at you. I don't play none of that shit. Yeah. I want you to size up the person you're dealing with. So when they do slice your neck, you don't sit there and go, I can't believe he's slice.

your neck. You know, this weekend, Connor McGregor got fucked up by Khabibemegamega, mega, megalov. He didn't know that animal existed. Yeah. When he lay there at the end of that fight, he didn't know that type of animal existed, and you feel bad. And it happens to you every eight weeks, that you don't know how a person... Not that often. You know, two months ago, you were going to a guy's house and swimming

and having a pool party, and he was engaged to another chick for eight years. You know, you have to figure... That was a year ago. Well, whatever it happened. You're like worse than Lee. I haven't got bronchitis for the years. I know. I know.

And then Di Agostino told me, I take exact what it was. I think I'm getting better at it. And what I try to say is the longevity of that shit for that woman. Those women in this town, when I went to Vegas this last time, I saw somebody who I was dear friends with in this town here. And she's still beautiful. She's still hot. But I could see the PTSD that this town did to her. I don't want to.

that to happen to you as a woman. You're a great comic. Thank you. I'm not talking about, and I don't classify you as oh, you're a great woman comic. No, you're a great comic. And you're getting to a precipice like Bobby Lee, like myself, like Theo, we're always at a precipice. You know, it's time for you to, you know, find a steady piece of ass. I don't even care right now. Nobody ever cares, but that, I was not mad at you or nothing.

I was just disappointed because where I'm coming from, is that it's like if you met me 15 years ago you'd be disappointed with me yeah you go Joe you're killing at the store on a regular basis and you're still doing coke yeah you know it took somebody on their deathbed to tell me to call me out

and go hey man you got to stop yeah you know and that's it like I said to you not to embarrass you I know you eat those fucking speed pills I really don't take those much I don't I don't weeding how good is that I could tell you when you tweet not at all.

I don't take it much at all. For me to wake up in the middle of the night and see you tweeting and talking nonsense. I always tweet all night. There's shit that you say some nights and some nights you say crazy shit. And I can tell. It usually depends on what's going on in my...

In your head? Personal life. In your head. Yeah, you type it out and shit. I've been trying not to tweet at night though. But, you know, like I do know what you mean and I think I think I'm getting. better, but I'm also like really, really trying to work on myself because I have a pattern

with guys. And at some point you go, okay, it's not all them. It's your choice. You're picking these guys. And even the last, even the musician. Like, I really thought I picked a good one. And he turned out to be, it's just, I need to pay attention to the first red flag and like walk away. And also, though, like, I think I use guys as a form of cutting. I really do. I think sometimes in some ways, like, it's a form of self-sabotage. Like, when everything is going great in my life, things are too good. It's like, I'm not used to that. So then I need a little drama.

And then there's always some dude that's, like, hurting my... It sounds crazy, but I always say, like, I cut with dick. Like, I pick guys that hurt me, but I don't mean to, but I always do. So I'm really trying not to... You know, self-hate and pain is a fucked up thing. You know, one of the things I used to do when I used to do, Coke's look at my face you see the scars I would feel worms inside my face and I would take a tweezers and just pick at my face until the worms inside my face would come out that's a form of

pain you know when I did drugs I didn't do drugs to be cool I did drugs because I was really in pain and the hatred like I've said a thousand times I wouldn't even look at the mirror when I was on coke I would pee and wash my hands and avoid looking at myself self hate self pain you know, women use it by being promiscuous. Women have a thousand weapons they do. Some of us cuties on themselves. Some of us made bad choices. For me, it was lashing out at the world and doing drugs

and robbing people and not having no, like wanting to die. Like putting myself in situations where I really don't care if I die. I don't really want to be on this planet anyway. I just have the balls to board to pull a board day to get a more Dane Starter kid. I'll have the balls to fucking do it. So I'll do other things to demolish me. Life is a weird thing.

And the behavior, we have to recognize it. And we don't. We don't while it's going on. We don't recognize it for years later. I mean, the thing that's weird with me is, like, I really don't, I really like me. Like, I feel like, I like me. Like, I know my flaws, but I also know, like, my good qualities.

And I know I really do. People say I learn to love your. yourself. I'm like, no, I really do love myself. I just, I'm, I think that I'm finally getting to a point, though, where I'm happy alone. And I think that's what it is. I think for so long, like, I needed someone to feel whole. And now I'm finally like, like, right now I'm like, I love being by myself. I was never like that. Like, when I went up to San Jose recently, I rented a car. I went by myself for the weekend. I, like, drove out to the coast. And I, like, pretty much didn't even talk to anybody other than the shows. And it was the first time I ever did

that was like happy, not lonely, comfortable. I've never been there. You know, in my mid-30s, it took me until now to feel okay by myself. So I think that's changing it. So like with the last guy, even though I really liked him, like when I saw, you know, that it was going to be awful, I cut it off and I haven't gone, like, tried to go back, which is different for me. I remember after the stripper, it took me two years to get a girlfriend,

not because I couldn't get a girlfriend, just because, I was so in love with comedy so I didn't want to go through that shit again. Well, there's something to that too, because I just went out with a guy who's a perfect catch you would love, who's amazing, and was super into me.

But the truth was, I kept choosing work over him every time, every time. And I realized, like, probably part of the reason I date the piece of shit guys is because I know in my head, it doesn't really matter. Comedy's first. But, like, my crew,

career really is first right now like that's it that's all I really care about and then even fucking I don't I haven't even had sex in so long you just said you hooked up two nights ago you fucking dirty no I didn't I didn't say two nights ago I said the last guy but like it wasn't three nights ago it was a little while ago dirty bitch I think the last guy was the magic guy so you know it's funny that uh October 30th my special comes out yeah I wanted you to open not open be my guest star in New York so we're going to kick off the New York Comedy Festival

Thursday, November 8th two shows the 9th and two shows in the 10th. So yeah part of this tour what I'm doing is I want to take people who have come on the podcast who are fucking you know starting the headline who could probably get a hundred

people a show on their own and get exposed to bigger people and make the shows that much better so I'm going to have like George Perez in Cleveland Yeah, George. That's always a fucking thrill. Yeah. I'm taking Lee to a dirty black room to open for me.

Make him do 45. Jesus. I'm going to tell Lee to Uncle Joey's training service. That's awesome. The guy called me and offered me the room and I go, yeah, I haven't done a black room a long time. Where is it? Somewhere down in Compton. And I go, can I bring Lee with me?

He's like, I love Lee. I go, let Lee do 15. Hell yeah. He doesn't know that I'm going to cancel the night up and send Lee down the Compton by himself. That would be so fun, man Do I get to keep the check? What chick? There has to be a check.

There's no check? It's a black room. There's a lot of hugs and maybe a drink ticket and a half. That's a black room, Jack. I love black rooms. They don't pay. They give me a lot of hug, dog.

Your shit was tight tonight. Shit. I love that. And they hug you or they crinkle up $5 singles. Put them in your hands so it feels like a 50 with a drink ticket. You don't know nothing.

You get out in the car. You go in the car and you're like, I don't want to drink on that. You go out in the car and you're like $5. Fuck, but you're already in the car. A room in Compton. I wonder where it is. I'll never forget years ago about 10 years ago.

I was still doing Coke and some guy called me. He was like a beat promoter around town. And he goes, hey man, where are you tonight? I got a big room. I got a big show tonight and I need a headliner. And I go, right. And I made the mistake. I thought he always paid me a hundred bucks.

Yeah the headline so he said it's a big show I figured it'd be like 200 bucks and stuff like that And I'm never thinking the money and putting it in my pocket and walking out to the car and it was $60 And I fucking put that car in park and I walked back and I pulled him beside a dog Everybody in here paid fucking 10 bucks. Yeah There's 300 people in here you better give me fucking some more money And he looked me in the face he goes if I give you another dollar I'm never gonna book you again I go give me 200 more dollars and never and lose my fuck fucking number. What the fuck? Why would he short you?

And he fuck us. There were people, there was a ton of them that were running game out here for a while. That thought everything was settled by a handshake. What's up, dog? That was a great set. Bro, you're making 2000 at the door. Yeah. You gotta break something off for somebody here. You got a gas. Yeah, come on. A fucking nacho platter. Make an effort. All right. If you don't want to give me money, that's fine. But at least have a case of beer back here for the comics. Yeah, it's not okay. No, it's not okay. There's a club out here. that I, that doesn't pay features that I worked an entire weekend at. And at the end of the weekend, I was like, where's my check? And they're like, oh, we don't pay features.

People want stage time. And I was like, what the fuck? It was like six shows or something, driving back and forth, Orange County. I was like, no. You know, I took a look around for a while what was going on in the young scene, from a young comic scene. I got to see, I got to tell you something, I was really upset. Like, I went through some shit in New York.

New York was rough when I was back there. You had to sell tickets. Yeah. bring people and I think I had friends that would come to the shows and stuff you know for friends but it's abuse it's borderline abuse that's why I left New York the comedy scene and then I'm going to Colorado because all the comics had their own rooms with a budget and they'd give you 20 bucks fuck 20 bucks is better than anything yeah give you 10 minutes a stage time when you had eight minutes you know but I see how rough it is you know in these areas this New York in the bigger markets you go to a

smaller market you don't there's no full fucking bring you right there's no five dollars for five fucking minutes no there's none of that shit like san diego you can get up i remember when i started i would go down to san diego sometimes because i could do like four shows and a night like there's so much stage time down there yeah used to be great yeah there was a room down there that the agostino called me a few weeks ago used to be called the comedy palace it's still there oh yeah i just did it was sam trippily and jim florenti the comedy palace yeah we just did it do they still you know the old the old guy that booked it made you stay outside with a bucket.

No. And do what? I did it one weekend that almost killed myself. Wait, with a bucket and collect money? What are you doing? No, we didn't know. I've never done that. I've done that room a few times. It was the most embarrassing thing in the world. Oh, no. No.

And I was such a drug junkie that I needed the money. He called me up. He said, you could probably make about six or seven hundred. We break it up amongst the comics. You're a name. You've been in the longest yard. I said, okay, at the end of the show, you have to stand outside with a buck and shake everybody's hand.

They put money in the book. Oh, God. Change and shit. You're like Salvation Army. No. I don't even like to sell merch. I don't like to pedal. No, no, no.

Listen, I don't like none of that shit. I just doing a show, talking to people afterward, if I could come out in between shows, sometimes both shows are sold out. Yeah. The club is like, listen, you can't come out in between shows. You'll cause too much of a fucking nightmare out there.

That's crazy. But it's always fucking great to see you. I can't believe it was this long. I haven't seen you in like two weeks. I think it's been even long. I feel like I haven't really talked to you in like a month. You have been a podcast in a while. Oh, yeah.

But I mean, I don't even think I've seen you really. It's been a minute. You know, listen, the time I have now is I love doing comedy, but I like doing five spots when I'm in town for the week. So tonight I'll get, if I could do, if I'm home for the week, I'll do five. spots i'll do two thursday two to two tuesday and one saturday early nine 15 and i'm back over the thing tonight i'll shoot down there early are you going to the store yeah i got 1015 and i'll jump on sam trippleys comedy and then uh thursday i'm off the fucking fort lot of dale west palm beach improv

oh yeah and then i'm two weeks from now i'm going to hilarities in cleveland now you're doing the cleveland comedy festival oh i am at november 17th but the weekend you're in cleveland the last weekend of October I'm at the comic strip in Edmonton like October 24th to the 20th. Now what is the Cleveland Comedy Festival? November 17th. Where? Oh, it's at Playhouse Square. It's like the theaters. I think my show's in like the Allen

Theater. Who else is doing with you? It's me and Rick Glassman. It's two of us, I think. Really? Yeah, I think he's from Ohio also. I think it's like a hometown headliner. No other comics? No other local comics. Well, I think there's other shows with other comics, but I think ours is just, there's probably host or something.

But I think it's just the two of us on So it'll be fun. And then I'm with you. And then I got a bunch of dates coming up. Yeah, that New York Comedy Festival will be fun. It's going to be so fun. And then a lot of people show up. A lot of people from the other shows.

Oh, yeah. Come over and just hang on in the green room. Yeah. And then it'll be a lot of fun. You'll get to meet Timmy Holloway and fucking. I'm so excited to meet your friends. Yeah. I got a fucking email.

Like, I can't wait to see Kate. It's going to be hard to focus. I want to fuck her so bad. Like from some random fucking email. Oh, God. It'll be fine. New York is ready for fucking cake, Quigley. We're going to have so much fun.

Oh, November, right from the 10th. I'm going to take you to Rudy's. Oh, it's a feast for spaghetti. You don't like spaghetti. Yeah, I can, well, I can't. Actually, I have to eat gluten-free pasta. What about seafood? You like seafood?

Yeah. Oh, this is it to see food. I love. I love it. I want to go to Chan's dragon in for some nice Chinese food. I like Chinese food. I'm going to turn you out to the best Cuban, enjoying edgewater, and that's it.

And then a slice of pizza from down the block from Gotham. I'm so excited. It's gonna be so fun And then we're on a 545 right back to LA To get here at 9 in the morning on Sunday morning Nobody even knows you're gone I love that It doesn't even matter jet blue like

I love jet blue It's the best I wish I could only fly JetBlue Oh I'm flying them again this Thursday Before a lot of Dale Of course you are I upgraded to mint like a doctor I don't give a fuck about Wednesday night

I know you're so lucky man Jet Blue that's like a whole bed You get like a king size bed Yeah, it's fucking tremendous. That's the best. Yeah. Did you see the fucking, the menu I had last time? And I got upgraded.

I paid like the extra 120. I bought a cheap seat and I got upgraded. You're so funny. Was that the one when Dice was on the flight with us? No. That was that one, that time I got upgraded too. You always get upgraded. You know, be dog.

I know how to play these bitches. I mean, I can't wait. They can't deal with the fucking Cuban. Look at the menu on the way there. Tuscan kale salad, crab avocado rose ricotta dumplings black garlic chicken and pork adobe if you're a Filipino and on the way back we had fresh fruit assay yogurt parfait grilled and chilled avocado plum clifadis I didn't have that clifitis looks like a fucking plum clit not eating that shit and they had potato risotto but poached egg ham cheddar amarillo alioly and pablo

and Poblano fucking fetter cheese. Are you fucking, this is JetBlue. I'm not flat I got cheeses. This is the first thing he showed me at the airport. Last night I ate frozen chicken nuggets. I didn't even heat them up because I was lazy and hungry. How do you eat frozen chicken nuggets? They're not really that frozen.

You can, like, suck on them. This is how I eat. I'm so lazy. I eat, like, cans of tuna and frozen vegetables. I know. I just don't care when I'm alone. I'm like, I eat, like, the way people put gas in a car. Like, it's not about the food.

No one puts frozen chicken nuggets in their car. Yeah, but I mean you sometimes put the cheap gas. You don't always put the premium. Yeah, but you can't even microwave them? Yeah, but I was really hungry. And it was like 3 a.m. And I had done a spray of the weed stuff. Oh, my God, Joey's friend, Deborah hooked me up with this weed banaca THC spray that you spray in your mouth.

Have you tried it yet, Lee? I have tried other ones. I don't think I've tried that one. I'm going to tell you some. By the way, she's going to get this late. The ninth was Deborah Hubs's birthday. So I want to wish her a big time. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Deborah. Thank you for the weed spray. She is a fucking, the real deal. She's a great lady. She's awesome. She's great on the fucking church board. She was great at the thing. We saw her and we went to eat lunch.

And she was already having a party. We were smoking pot outside me. Lee was watching the Steve Simone and we saw her. She already looked cute than ever. She's so cool, man. She had a pint of blackberry brandy. She goes, I'll see. you later we Facebook back and forth and then I didn't hear for her for a couple hours

and then I went up to my room when I looked on Facebook I didn't see her afterward I didn't see the girl afterward she fucking Facebook me I felt I got so high I fell asleep passed out make it to your show well that's how cool Deborah house too she's dope she showed up at my show in Connecticut at the casino and she brought me this weed spray I'm telling you it changed my life like I straight she gave me a tube for you it's just in my bag and I forgot to take it out. She told me she mailed me one too. I have a tube for that and I got six hits

of acid for Lee mixed into a battery. I put them in with batteries in case TSA pull me over that little pieces of blotter acid so it's got the acid from the batteries sinking into it. No. Oh, we're going to do them next week. I gave him a buy I call TSA and he's got a buy

anonymous too. That's insane. I've never done acid. I got liquid acid too and I took a little dot of it the other night before the condom of Gregor fight. didn't yes I didn't I gave some to the tube to the guy from Jiu Jitsu you're crazy Joey I don't fuck around I know I'm scared of all that's why you're so fired up that night sure I was fired up my friends are like let's do ayahuasca are you busy on October 15th and I'm like where they wanted you to do with that I don't know they all want to go out and some like into the woods or some

shit I'm like who plans their drug use ahead like I hate that shit that's all I'm planning it I'm not doing I'm look I'm boring I mean I'll do a little you know part every once in a while drink a little I'm I'm not doing crazy drugs I'm terrified I'm already crazy sober I don't need to add in acid and mushrooms and I was I don't even know I told the audience in Boston that I stopped doing edibles they booed me you stopped eating edibles when but I didn't know that months ago because I threw it up and he ate it though I took a half a bite of it when in Rome you got to get down late I'm proud of you you it wasn't it wasn't like an addiction thing it was just I'm the type of

guy I like to evolve sure I had to catch people off the other day I was walking out the house with a backward sweatshirt on and my wife looked at me as you know by the way I go that I like it like that I get a reaction from people yeah I've been doing that since 1981 I've seen you with it inside out before I don't say people crazy drive people crazy I just never say people can not handle that shit at all so funny who cares to finish the conversation from earlier that was the first time in my life I learned something like I took like I was so frustrated with my love for that girl that I was like I'm done with this bitch like I'm walking away and I fought it I took acid every

night and cried I was in love with her and I fought it and when she put it on me I was like no you're not going to get it and then that went so that Tuesday I was supposed to meet her and that Wednesday I was supposed to meet her blew her off right then Thursday she was like I'm going to went out but I'm not drinking I'm hung over from the weekend so I met her that night she gave me my coke back and I walked it to the car and I go how about dinner tomorrow night and we went out to dinner and then after dinner we went to some fucking parking lot we were swapping spit and I just started eating her monkey it was delicious she had top and powder on it I ate it and then after I finished we didn't fuck enough and she that's when she broke down

and she goes all those nights you wouldn't call me would drive me fucking crazy when you wouldn't talk to me. And I learned the big part about women and men that you can't always be there. Once you pull away, it drives them crazy. Their insecurities come out. It is interesting because I have had a few guy friends over the years that I'm really close to. And at some point, I know they have feelings. And if I don't, and I let them know, yeah, sometimes they get butt hurt, like or upset the way you kind of did and they pull away. And it's hard, man, because it's like you care about the person. They're your friend and you don't want to lose them.

But it's also like it. And it is even weird when they start to date someone else and you see them giving that affection to someone else. Even though you don't want it, you're like, oh, they're not there for me anymore. It's a weird thing. But all those guys eventually I've become friends with again, but it's never the same when they come back. It's never the same level of friendship.

Like they're always a little more like. But it also teaches you a lesson. It teaches you a lesson about men that you can't, if you don't give them what they want, now they don't give you what you need. That's the problem that we've had here. That's the problem that we have. Yeah. Men do hold that against you.

I've been guilty also when I was younger. Yeah. When I didn't know any better before the age of 30, when you're stupid and you're just finding out. You know, there was a time when I don't know, I would just, like the story about the girl I dated and she told me she didn't have a mother and I just stopped talking to him. Right, I remember that. You know, like all that shit.

Like, I think about that today. And I go, why did I do those things? You know, because you're young and stupid. You grow up. You know, last week when you came in, you had a conversation that was very interesting because from a female perspective, I have a daughter, and if you look at my roster of friends,

I am heavy friends with women as much as I am with men. Yeah. I talked to maybe six women from Jersey, on an occasional every other day type and we're brother and sister. There's one girl that we did sleep together and we remained solid.

I don't even think about that. It was just a mistake on our part. We were always better off friends. You know, the thing with this guy last week, you know, that was going on. Listen, a lot of shit could have happened when you're in high school. As long as I didn't put my dick in your ass

and gang rape you or whatever, I don't know if it would, I don't know much about politics. I don't know if it was a smoke screen by the Democrats or whatever the fucking was. But I'm happy that it worked out how it did because you can't use my behavior against me when I was 18 against me. We can't have that happening. We all make fucking mistakes when you're a kid that you don't know about. If you want to rape somebody, yeah, we need to know that.

But, you know, I read something, a story one time 15 years ago. it had to be even longer because it influenced me turning myself in I read about a guy that went on a date in 19-fucking 50 with some chick and something happened and they both got drunk and he bit her okay in the neck like a vampire hard and she almost died and he was wanted he was wanted for assault in 1952 well guess what that guy stayed off the road

radar for 40 fucking years. Something crazy. The timing, I got arrested in 87. Yeah. So it had to happen. I read the story a year before I got in trouble. And he had gotten caught like in 86, but the crime was done like in 1948

or something. He had been off the grid. He had a wife, children. He was part of the fucking faculty at the school. He was this big timer. Yeah. But he got into a car accident. When they took him to the hospital, he did a background check then they fingerprinted him and he was the guy wanted for biting this fucking woman in the

neck when he was 17 years old holy shit and it was I don't remember what state it was in or whatever but it was somewhere in the Midwest because it was very small-minded yeah but the his attorney argued that think about it he did this but then for 40 years he never done anything else so where there's smoke, there's fire, there was DNA testing, da-da-da-da-da-ta-da, they couldn't figure it out. The point is he didn't continue to do it. Yeah, you know, we made a mistake when we're 17, 16, 18 at a party. You put your dick in some girls' mouth when she's sleeping.

She's 14. She's passed out. You know, we've all fucking done. Shit, regrettable shit. We cannot live in a country where we, I'm responsible for what I do today, yesterday and the day before. I can't be responsible for something I did when I was under 18

or 18. Then he went to Yale. What kind of people go to Yale? What kind of people go to Yale? Smart people? Rich, smart. And uppity. Yeah. Guys who think they could fuck you

when you passed out and their dads are going to buy him off? You know what I'm saying? He didn't appear that way to me. Yeah, it's really weird. It's so weird. Like, I posted something about it, but it's super weird for me as a woman, especially, because I feel sometimes pressure, even from my girlfriends. You know, all my girlfriends are like, Kate, I don't like what you posted about saying

you don't know who's right and you should automatically support the victims. And the thing is, it's like, well, two things. I'm not saying that I think Kavanaugh is a good guy, obviously, but, like, they asked him, have you ever been blackout drunk? he has to say no because if he says I have been blackout drunk then you don't know what you did but everyone has been blackout drunk

anyone who drank in high school or college has been blackout drunk and I know girls like people sometimes victims wait to come forward like I have a family member who's like I was victimized as a child and I'm just now coming forward and here's the reasons

and it's like traumatizing and you're like holy fuck this changes my whole view of all these people in my family family and I understand the reason to wait in some ways. But then at the same time, it's like there's also people that lie. There's women that lie. There's women that say they're pregnant sometimes when they're not. First of all, listen, how many people could give you an accurate account of what happened 30 years ago? Accurate. Accurate. You know what? You know who gives you an accurate account? A victim that lives through it. A victim remembers everything. That's something that

sticks out in my mind. Yeah. But I think about once a week, I saw, I saw a woman get beat like a dog. I saw a woman get beat. I didn't see her get beat. I saw the result when she came to my house and my mom had a wrapper up with a towel and they had to put cigarettes. The husband was putting cigarettes out on her.

I mean, it was just a fucking horror show. But you remember it. I remember every minute from that night. I could sit there with you, go to a psychotherapist, somebody to hypnotize you, put the five people in that room and describe what I was feeling. You know, it was two nights after Christmas. You know, there was this joy in the air. You could smell people burning wood in their fireplaces in Jersey.

You know, I still remember all those smells. And I still remember, like, about just being up. Like, I had no school. Like, what were the chances of me being up at two in the morning? And having no school. And all of a sudden hearing, like, like, people banging, like, You let me help me help me I'm like looking around and also my mother's like opening the door

She's putting a bathrobe on and she's like what the fuck was that? I don't know Somebody's in the door my mother called my mother's like step back And my mother looked out the door and she's like Jesus Christ get a knife And it was this lady like hunched over like in a fetal position And she kept saying he's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill me We had to fuck pick her up and drag her in and she was half naked like she had a hot body I remember being like a kid going damn look at those tithies but she had blood coming out of everywhere.

Her face was smashed and then Ward got up. My stepdad got up and he said, what the fuck is going? Jesus Christ! Close the fucking door. As he was saying that, we could hear the husband

walking up the block with something, a knife in his hand saying, don't that da-uta, where are you fucking whore? I'm going to fucking finish you off. And I remember my dad looking at me, like looking at my mom and running upstairs and coming out with a gun.

and going, don't move another fucking step. And we were thinking about calling the cops, but in my house we didn't call the cops. So my mother just took the lady and bandaged her up, and I stormed him like wiping her and seeing the rag full up with blood. And that stayed with me. Is that you remember?

Like, I still want to cry. Like, I remember wiping her and crying, going, I hope this never happens to my mother. I hope this never happens to a woman. When they healed her up, my mom and dad had to put, Macura Chrome on all the cigarette burns, she must have had 10 cigarette burns on her fucking chest and her back.

It was just... Brutal. So from that lesson on, I always learned that you're going to have misunderstandings with a woman, but you can't raise your hand to a woman. No. I learned that night. That night, I learned that lesson at the age of 12 or 13, or whatever I was. Yeah.

That's crazy. but that was the 70s and 60s. You know, you got to remember, OJ brought it to light in 85. Before then, I could smack you in the face. You could smack me with a lantern. The cops come. They might make me go to Lee's house for the night.

Yeah, I mean, that's the thing is, like, lately, since I've been trying to do, like, work on myself, I've been talking to my family and stuff, and there's, like, stuff that I'm finding out that I don't remember, though. Because sometimes you do block out trauma, you know, and then I don't know I mean the whole thing is just it's a really weird we're living in a really scary time

in a weird time where people can be penalized for things they did when they were in high school but then at the same time it's like that is horrific and the guy that did that to that woman like if he if 30 years later we find out he did that he was still a monster and he

should be accountable so it's just but it's also like I've thought about that guy many of What happened to them? Do you know? She moved. She waited until the next day or something and I think my mother went over there and got

some of her clothes and then when he was at work she packed up and moved to the Bronx with a sister or cousin or something and then I saw him for maybe another four months and I had told everybody in my neighbor what I had seen. Like this guy

is not a good guy at all. Yeah. He lived on the bottom of giving on terrace. They didn't have any kids. You know, I would just see him out there working on the stupid fucking cars all the time. And every time he seen me, he gave me a look and he even looked away because he knew what he had done that I knew what he had done. And then he moved, and I never saw him again. I never...

I always thought about it. I always think about it, especially now that I have a daughter. I have friends, you know, even Ali Wong when I was on stage talking about that she hates going on the road because as a woman you have to get in a strange car with a strange man who drives you you don't know any of these people

as a woman you know as a guy so I don't know I don't even know we got in this conversation I know I just starts talking shit no I mean it is it's just it's it's weird I don't remember much from my childhood I just hear shit I hear stuff that I don't remember

all the time but the more I hear the more it explains now I remember one thing and today I went off on Lee that went off on we were having a conversation about working out and I told them what I thought about psychiatry psychiatry is very helpful sometimes yeah psychiatry is very helpful it's helpful to go to talk to somebody there's one part of psychiatry I do not like and that's the picking on the scab if it's not bothering you and it's not affecting your life why pick it

open don't pick it open I agree with that you don't remember getting molested but your cousin did and your sister did and the cat did you know but but but but Even under the fucking statue. The thing with leaving it under there is unless, like, the reason you're doing X, Y, Z is because there's something in your subconscious that you don't know. But I don't want you to think it up and make it up. Oh, yeah. That's what I wonder. I don't want you to think it up and now make up a scenario.

That's what I wonder. I know a girl that I'm friends with, not anymore, that introduced me to her in, like, we're comics. We're comics. And one time I did a gig with her and her grandparents of that. And she was fine and the grandparent left her money. And then one day on a drunk spruce, she wanted a thing that grandpa molested it. That she had just remembered grandpa molested it. That's what I'm saying.

People remember stuff all of a sudden. I wonder that sometimes, too. How do you know it really happened? How do you know it's not a story? I'm not just talking about molestation. I'm just saying in general, like I hear about all kinds of violence that happened around my family, but I don't remember ever seeing violence. Do you know what I mean?

Like, how do you know what's real? I've lied to myself before. If we don't know what's real and what's not, then leave that where it's supposed to be out of your mind. Yeah, I guess that's true. I'm going to tell you a fucked up story, and then we'll get the fuck out of here. My mother used to wake me up every night at 3 in the morning

when she got home from the bar. Yeah. With Chinese food, a Cuban sandwich, a BLT, whatever. And she would wake me up, and I would fucking hate it. Some nights I liked it because the food was good, but for the most part, I hated it. I'd just fall asleep and you're fucking waking me up. The night she died, I heard her yelling for me.

And I turned over. I was like, so for about a month, I kept saying, maybe she was yelling for me while she was having a heart attack and I could have saved her life. If I would have dug into that foxhole, I wouldn't be here with you guys right now. Yeah. I'd be somebody living in a home under medication,

beating myself up, being the victim that I didn't save my mother's life. I heard her yelling in the crib, you know. There's a movie called Paradise. It was on about three weeks ago when I taped it, and I watched it, and me and my wife cried. My wife had never watched it. It's a movie that Don Johnson and Melanie Griffin made. Right when they remarried in like 91, John Johnson was fucking beautiful, and Melanie Griffin was a piece of ass jack. Melanie Griffin's built kind of weird, like a hips.

She's got a flat ass and big hips, but in this movie she looked beautiful. She's cute. And it's about a couple who, the kid from Harry Potter, not that fucking goofy kid with the glasses, but one of those kids shows up to their house. Don Johnson's wife has a college girlfriend, a sorority girlfriend. Yeah. And her and her husband are having problems.

They have a kid. So she calls to Johnson's and see if she could drop the kid off for three weeks. That's about this couple that had a baby and he died. And their relationship hasn't been the same. and now this kid teaches him how to be a couple again. It's a fucking beautiful. Don Johnson fucking hit it out of the fucking park with this movie. I'm a big time Don Johnson fan.

And I've never told him one time. I did one of the Adam Sanders movies. Nick Swanson's movie, that one that bombed really bad. It was me and Don Johnson in the closet for like an hour. And we would have to walk into the room together. So in that hour in between takes, we were talking. He was great. Everybody said he was a dick.

He was great to me. And when I said to him, like, I go, Brian, I think your best movie's Paradise. He thought about it for a minute. He goes, I think so, too. Huh. If you ever see it. But the point of that thing is that at the end, she breaks down.

And she says that she heard him cry. And she didn't turn over to pick him up. So she has to live with that the rest of the life. You know what? I want you to make a decision like I did. Like, if that happened to you, you have to make a decision. on what happened and move on

because it was eating away at me and I was starting to turn into one of those people you even do coke with people that all of a sudden they tell you everything about their childhood what went wrong and you you went from having a good time and to suck the guy's dick

to now I don't want to suck your dick because you depress me so much yeah you know you take a girl home you got down on a bikini you're snort and coke and also she looks at you and she goes I'd ever tell you my father raped me when I was nine a night is over

you know what I'm saying I'm gonna give You aspirin, I'm going to question about you. You ain't doing no more Coke. Yeah. That's what that becomes in your life. I think you're right. I know I'm right because it had me for about a year. It had me for about a year thinking of that, I could have saved her life.

No, you couldn't. First one, when God puts your number that night, at midnight, God takes a list out of 20 names. And he starts reading the month. And the lucky winner is Joey Diaz. You're right. There you go. You're crossing the street at the ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

There's a car with no lights coming down. street and you just get hit by a guy nobody understands when God wants you to go it's time to go if he wanted me to save her he would have fucking woke you're right made me save and also it's just living in the present yeah moment I don't the past not the future you got molested I don't want you to come to like this poor this girl I'm talking about this killed her like yeah no I don't want to know until she came up one day and said I think my grandfather molested me you think now I was just saying after you spent this money in Mexico yeah like now you

remembered after you just bought a house and you spent this money in Mexico now it occurred to you yeah that the guy molested you while you were spending 20s and jumping up and down yeah i don't want to know about a finger up your ass now all of a sudden now you fingered you're a church give me a fucking break yeah i don't want to know i don't want to know yeah my friend just went to therapy and they like dug all this oh yeah i'm like you know i think i'm okay not knowing no no you know what i never hung on if i got a finger in the ass it belonged there i don't remember it i'm fine with it and we're gonna end on that note okay quickly I love you I love you so where are your dates coming up uh comic strip Edmonton October 24th to 28th and

then I'll be with you in New York at Gotham and then Cleveland Comedy Festival and don't forget you bad motherfuckers I'll see you Friday Saturday night West Palm Beach improv we're dropping some knowledge we got some home motherfuckers coming over Eddie Broncaccio's coming to the second show we got Louis Castellino with Joey Caracapa we got And Tasia Romano's husbands coming. We got a party so you don't want to fucking miss. I'll see you motherfuckers at the West Palm Beach Improv.

And I'll, then I'm in Cleveland also. Yeah. Two weeks fucking later, all right? Thank you very much for spending time. I love you. I love you. I love you. And have a great day.

Yeah. I want to thank Kate Quigley again for coming in. Always a fucking fun time with it. But one thing before we wrap up. First off, sure, watching football is fun. But it's more entertaining when you got a little money on the game, all right? Guys, you heard me talk about this for weeks And some of years are still sitting on the fucking sidelines

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Go to Quip right now. Get quip.com slash Joey and get your first refill pack for free with a quip electric toothbrush. All right. I want to thank Quip. I want to thank my bookie. I want to thank Onit.com. But most importantly, I want to thank you motherfucking savages because I love you. Without you, I'd have fucking dick. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being part of the church. family. Again a shout out to Kay Quigley and my main man, the motherfucking flying Jew. I love your motherfucker. See you Tuesday morning

bright and early. The rest of the years. I'll see you in West Palm Beach Friday, fucking night. Ready to smoke, refee, eat gorilla biscuits, whatever the fuck you want to do. Let's do this shit. Kick this fucking Lee, Mule. Kick this Mule, Lee. I'm getting this snucketing in my old age. You know what I'm saying?

Then we'll do that.