The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #627 - Josh Wolf and Greg Garcia

Episode Date: October 18, 2018

Josh Wolf, a comedian and host of the "Fairly Normal" and "The Prinze and the Wolf" podcasts, and Greg Garcia, the creator of multiple sitcoms, such as "My Name Is Earl" and "The Guest Book," which will begin airing in October 2018, which includes two episodes with Joey Diaz, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by: Robinhood App - an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETF's, options and cryptos - all commission free. Go to church.robinhood.com to get a free stock like Apple, Ford or Sprint.    MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.    ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church Recorded live on 10/17/2018.


Greetings from Podcastville. The Church of What's Happen now is brought to you by Robin Hood. Robin Hood is an investing app that lets you buy, sell stocks, ETFS, options, and crypto's all commission free, okay? They strive to make financial services work for everybody, not just a wealthy. Non-intiminating way for stock market newcomers to invest for the first time with true confidence. What I'm going to do is this. Robin Hood's giving the church family a free stock like Apple Ford Sprint.

Are you listening to me? A free stock like Apple Ford a Sprint to help build your portfolio. Sign up at church.robinhood.com. Again, that's church. com. Listen, let me explain something to you, all right? Everybody thinks you're smart. You think you're going to smart?

Do me a favor. If you want to know what you're smart is, you've got to go to ZipRecruiter to hire the right person. ZipRecruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you. It finds them for you. It's a powerful matching technology that scans thousands of resumes, identifies people with the right skills, education, and experience for your job, and actively invites them to apply so you get qualified candidates quickly. So what I'm going to do is this.

Right now, the church family can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address. You ready? ZipRecruiter. dot com slash church. Again, that's ziprecruiter.com slash church. Again, that's zip recruiter. That's zip recruiter. Listen, if you're going to do something, do it the smart way. Hiring with ZipRecruiter, that's smart. I also like to introduce to the church, my bookie. Listen, tomorrow night, it's Thursday night. Tonight is Thursday on their football. And you're sitting there again, you don't know what to do, who to bet. Listen, whether you're an expert or a rookie, you should be

betting at my bookie. If you're the type of guy that likes to make a bet, bet a little and win a lot, like playing the numbers on a roulette, you can create a big parlay tomorrow night. That's three picks, that's usually three teams, but you can do three picks. You can pick a college football team and two picks on the pro. The over and under the pros, and if you hit all three, you can turn $100 into $600. All right? Why sit on the sidelines when it's time to get paid? Go to my bookie right now, log in, and double your money. Joey, what do you mean? Yeah, use promo code church, C-H-U-R-C-H,

and you'll get your first deposit matched 100%. Joey, what are you talking about? 100%. If you put in 100, they'll give you 100. You play, you win, you get paid. That's what my bookie does, all right? So go to my bookie right now and log in with promo code church, CHU-R-C-H and double your initial deposit by 100%.

Kick this, motherfucker, Mulee. Thursday, 18th of October. I don't know what happened that day. I got no history on you. All I know is the church of what's happening now. It's a double fucking guest podcast tonight. We got the famous Mr. Josh Wolfe from Wolf and whatever the fuck the podcast. We got Greg Garcia.

A fucking writer, creator, a fucking savage of Hollywood. The most un-Hollywood guy in the fucking room. You know what I'm saying? We got the fucking. Christ Killer, the original Lee Syatt. He just did his 23 and me, and it came back. His uncle was there when they killed Jesus. He got your uncle Joey Diaz.

Can you imagine that getting that 23 and me? Your uncle was there and we killed Jesus. We got DNA and shit. Here we go. Take that motherfucker Lee. Is you fucking kidding me or what? This is the last stand of that one right here. Fucking Bonham heard this.

and got so drunk he fucking, he was like, this is too much. I still remember this album coming out. That's how old I am. I'm like waiting around because it had been three years since they released an album. His kid died. And really nobody knew the future led up.

Physical graffiti was a fucking masterpiece. But when this came out, we took beatings for this. Because no matter how good it was, there was always a Beatle fan that said, Don't wait. The Beatles are getting back together. Greg Garcia, what's happened? Beautiful.

Oh, man. How you doing? Sorry, I didn't make your bash. I was telling you about my cat last night, walking around. Yeah. And Greg, this only happened in my house once before. When we first moved here, there must have been a cat that was pregnant in the neighborhood. And one day I'm watching TV, and I'm hearing,

um, under the bed. I'm like, what the fuck? And Fidel was swollen. Oh. Fidel was the nicest cat in the world, and he, all of a sudden, He looked like a fucking raccoon. Oh, no. And he was about to attack the other one.

And I had to get Fidel, and Fidel was hissing at me. I had never seen that before. And then one time, Fidel and Superbad have beefs since day one. They got the same fathers. They've had beefs since day one. Fidel was always superior to Superbad. But Superbad's a scrappy cat. You got to watch Superbad.

Superbad's the type of cat that you'll beat them up. And when you're fucking shaking hands with your friends, you'll come back and bust you. He's black and white. Nobody really likes him in the neighborhood, like his sisters and Chinese. Nobody likes Superbad. When we first moved up the corner, one day Superbad was fighting Harry. And he beat Harry up. Harry ran away.

And Superbad's like, you know what? I'm feeling my ouch right now. He looked over on the couch and Fidel was sitting on the top of the couch. And my wife had just put the laundry basket down and she had taken the laundry out. Superbad looks at Fidel like, you know what? Now, while I'm fucking you up, I might as well fuck you up too. He jumps on the chair, he jumps on the couch,

and he heads towards Fidel. Fidel's got him by 10, 12 pounds. Superbad scrappy to the death. Superbad jumps on Fidel. Fidel's not ready for it. They're fighting. They land in the laundry basket. The laundry basket flips over.

It's like a fight. It's a cage match. I'm sitting there crying. They're going to kill my Superbad. I open it up, they both break away, like, what the fuck just happened? Two cats enter, one cat leaves. Oh, my God, that really fucking... Yeah.

I hate all that shit, guys. I hate when my cats are at war. And last night was one of the scariest things. There's two? I got six now. I'm down to six. There was 10 at one time. I lost Demi.

I lost, like, the one. I lost Fidel, Sissy, and somebody else. Then I gained one. When I moved to the... neighborhood. And she's my bodyguard. All right. She's loyal to me. Even the owner said the cat and you,

you know, the cat was walking up the stairs scratching on the door. And my other cats were hiss at it. Wait, it wasn't lost? No. The owner gave it to you? I rented it from the, I rented a two-bedroom apartment. Yeah. A house. And they had an outdoor cat. And I became friends

with this cat. I would come home from and from doing comedy and go, and the cat would come out of a fucking bush and bring me a mouse, a fucking raccoon. The cat was toughly there. You know, my brother found an Adam. You know, he loves cats.

He found an outdoor cat, and he said that that cat, first of all, just goes through the screen. Like if the screen's open, she just cuts a hole in the screen, comes in, but with, like, outdoor animals.

Oh, yeah. But kills them and eats them next to my brother. like she's proud of it. Just come up to the table? Yeah, no, just when my brother's sleeping, he'll wake up because he hears the cat eating a dead animal. They take a present to you.

Yeah. They're so loyal, they're bringing you their prey. It's fucking crazy. When you live with a cat, you live with a fucking killer. A killer after midnight. Once darkness sets in, when you're around a couple cats,

you can feel it. They have a certain energy at night. It's very tough to describe. Living with cats and dogs, It's two dead. I love them both. Yeah. If it was up to me, I'd have 20 of each.

Do you remember? I used to have this huge St. Bernard. Oh, my God, sure. But he looked like Beethoven. You know, all the kids and everybody thought he was going to be super friendly. But he had been hitting by a van in the head when he was like a puppy. And it turned him super mean. Yeah.

So you remember, people used to run up to this 140-pound dog like, hey, it's Beethoven. And I used to always going, no, no, slow him down, slow him down. He came so close to biting off so many little kids' faces. It was fucking crazy. He had a dent in his head. So whatever side of the head that he got hit on changed his, like, emotions entirely. How do you deal with that on the deal? It was fucking, he almost bit off my cousin Scott's nuts in my apartment.

He, oh, he hated him. and I could tell he hated him, but because I was in the apartment, he wouldn't do anything. But I could tell he put his head down and just kind of, oh, I want to bite the fuck out of you, right? And we were moving me out of that apartment. And Scott and I were in the apartment together, and I, we were about to, you know, walk out. And I was like, hey, I'm going to go get the elevator. And as I turned the corner out of the front door, I thought, oh, that's a bad idea. And as I was turning back in, his name was Bud.

Bud was lunging for Scott's nuts. He always was the nuts. It's all about the nuts. Lunging. It was like, he was like, it was hard. It was hard to get to roll. Anybody here ever been met by a dog? A little bit on the finger, nothing crazy.

Oh, my sister has this little dog. And I went home and she said, yeah, come on over. And just, you know, when the dog sees he, it's a little hyper or whatever, but you know just ignore it i was like all right so i walk in and the dog's barking all around and i just ignored it and i went and sat on the couch and the thing came up and sat on the couch next to me and just kind of stared at me for a second and i was like hey buddy you know and it was okay and then i slowly started to get up and it bit the inside of my thigh and lashed on so if i i pulled my leg up and it was hanging for a second and it was oh it was rough no did you go to for a tetanus shot and

all that shit i don't think i did you're supposed to do Yeah, I think I had one. I think I'd had one. I'm really careful with mercy and dogs. Yeah. Because I was traumatized. Young. I got bit in the face by a German Shepherd at 5.

4 in the Bronx. And they kept telling me not to look in the mirror. Don't look at yourself in the mirror. And I remember just having cotton and taking the cotton off and seeing a patch of my face missing going, Jesus Christ. And not fainting, you know, crying. Yeah. I was scared. I didn't know.

but then I went on a rampage of getting bit by dogs because of the fear. Yeah. You can't have fear around dogs. I would see a dog get fearful and they would bite me. So I went out. I got bit like four times after that. Good Lord. I kept getting bit by dogs until I had a, you have to, what's that,

fake it to you make it type of attitude? Yeah, that's it. You really have to believe it in your heart that you're not scared of dogs no more. Then I stopped getting bit. But I had such a fear that they would leave, like, a dog would see me two blocks away and then attack me because that's how much my fear was towards him. Oh, wow.

And then one day I had to let the fear go from inside. And I'm like, that's what it feels like not to be scared. And they never messed with me again. Oh, that's crazy. One time I was doing a burglary, and I had me before. I fed him all fucking weak. And then I had the burglary. He turned on me that fucking juice.

All week. I'm giving them double woppers. Oh, shit. You give a dog a wopper. Yeah. They eat in two fucking bites. They love it. They'd spit on the tomato.

But everything else is solid. I must have given this motherfucker a wopper every day. Did you show up with a wopper the day of the burglary? No. See? That's why I fucked up. You know what I mean? By that time we built the bond.

Yeah, but how do you not show up with the wapper? Yeah, that's the most important day. By that time we built the bond. Apparently not. Apparently not. You made a very good point. Yeah. You got to bring the wopper every day.

every day. You got to bring the fucking wampa. That's my slogan for life. You got to bring the whopper every day. That's what I wake up and say to myself every day. That's what Bobby Weinstein said, too. You got to bring the wopper every day. He's getting charged with raping in 19 different states and shit, that poor bastard.

They got him for rape in India. How can you rape somebody in India? You know what I'm saying? Even ISIS is looking for it for rape. That's their middle name. That's how you get into ISIS. You got to rape somebody. And ISIS is looking for harm.

they got a poster Harvey. Poor fucking Harvey. Where's the eyeing these days? No, they just took a picture. I haven't seen one in a while. I saw one a while ago. They just took a picture of them at a supermarket reading.

No. No. No. No, they just took a picture of them at a supermarket reading one of the fucking mags. Just catching up. Reading one of the, yeah, read one of the mags.

One of the gossip mags. I guarantee he's like looking at the star going. How didn't even come on a? tits. I came in the mouth. She's such a fucking liar. I came in her asshole. Why is he saying that I came on her face? He's something because he's, I believe he's getting accused by 25 women. I believe 25 women. It's a, it's a high number. Twenty-two other women are just jumping on the bandwagon or something. I, you know what? I bet you I wouldn't be surprised. If you gave me a super high number of actual cases.

I would not be surprised. If you think about all the access he had to these girls. And on a daily basis, on a daily basis he had access to these women and women who aren't even famous now who we don't know about who are for sure coming forward because people are going to be like,

you know, they're going to be dragged through so much shit. So, man, I don't know. I saw a video of him. Yeah, dude. You see that video of him where some woman was pitching him some idea or something and she had her camera on her laptop and she's just sitting there very businesslike and she's showing him what we could do this and we could brand your thing here in this movie here and he's just daring at her the whole time and then he says yeah yeah yeah we'll do that so so you're going to be you're going to be nice to me you're nice and it's like within like a minute of sitting down with this woman so he has so much access if you gave me if you said the number actually is in the triple day I'd be like he was in this business 20 years. Yeah, I fucking believe that.

You know, if you take your dick out 10 times a day, three people who suck. Yeah. You don't think about that. Like if you go to 7-11 take your dick out, some people throw a rock at you. So what you're here... But eventually, if you take it out 10 times,

three people gonna suck it. So what you're saying is your odds for your dick sucked and your odds, like in Major League Baseball, those are about the same odds. Four out of five dent, just recommend five dent. Three out of 10 people will suck your dick. If you take your dick out somewhere ten times,

three people get you really think it's 10 I guarantee you can make it you think it's 3 out of 10 if you can make it to 7 without the cops catch you you should get 3 you just get 3

like a chubby man just came in to Rouse again he counted to 3 nobody sucked and he got in his car left and then he pop up in Culver City you know if you can make it

the 10 spots of one day that would be tremendous One day. And one afternoon. Just take your dick out. Like, he left. Nobody knows what kind of car he had. Like, you got actually, because people looking for you with a gun.

People looking for you with like a bag. Yeah. Somebody yelling. But you just walk into Whole Foods and the granola. You see like three house moms. Yeah. With yoga pants on. You take out your dick.

Give it a minute. Oh, a minute. You got to count the 30 seconds. I don't think it's going to take that long. It's like practical jokers. That's the show we got to pitch, Josh, Will. Take out your dick. We got to find a minute.

somebody's crazy enough. They got your dick for three minutes in the fucking supermarket and see who'll suck it. This year on true TV. I used to go to acting class. I'll tell you something right now. I would bet you this because in college we used to take out our nuts at a bar. And we would call it hanging brains. And we would see who could hang brains the longest well.

Nobody fucking notices. You know who notices? Other dudes. Other dudes will come up to you and go, hey, man, your nuts are out. I'm like, yeah, dude. I fucking know. I know my nuts are out. other dudes, but like no,

every time somebody said something to us, it was a guy who was like, hey man, you're nuts, you're out. You know, I was thinking about something. Logistically, I know like four men that can press charges on me. Yeah. Because I used to wear jeans with holes in the balls.

I was so poor that I would have got a little ripped. Dude, why fix it? And I would sit there and show you my balls. I still remember one day, Jason Rogan with my balls out. And he was losing his mind. Like, nobody had ever chased him. He's like, Joey, I swear I'm going to hit you.

But he wouldn't turn around. He kept running because my balls are in my hand. I'm going to rub him on you. He could definitely take me to court for the meet-to-old. The first 10 years that I knew him, he didn't wear underwear and he had holes in his pants. He still doesn't wear underwear. I still don't want.

Sometimes. Now I got a kid. But you had a hole in your pants for the first 10 years that I knew. Oh, please. I love a hole in your pants. If you don't have a hole in your pants, you ain't shit. I saw his nuts. Look at these right here.

Count the holes. This is all from marijuana. one these are all my because I smoke pot while I take a shit wait you used to let's say let's say I got these the other day let me tell you what happened I have a back bathroom

everybody complains that they have a hard time taking the shit I have a back bathroom in the office I open the door I could open the door into my backyard so in the mornings after I have my coffee a piece of nicotine gum I give it like 20 minutes I sit out there

and I fill that pipe up and I started hitting and when you cough the shit flies out of your ass so the other day I'm sitting there taking the shit with my pants down the way things like yeah me and dundies on I got sweatpants on and dog do you know that I went like one of those yeah and then ash flew right out and flew right between my legs and I could see the me and these going on fire and I'm over there hitting my things a piece of shit's coming out of my ass you know you don't have to push no more like nothing just take a hit off that thing holding it While you blowing the smoke, it comes right out like fucking yogurt at Menchies.

You ever go to Menchies when you press the thing? Comes right out. With the swirl. You don't have to wipe your ass and nothing. There you go. A little something for Leo on a Wednesday night. You don't know what I haven't fought in a week. You definitely shit on that chair.

How long did it take you to figure this out? Like you have a scientist or something? No, I was not, it's not like I invented it. I went to the bathroom one day. I'm sitting here, mind of my own business. Yeah. I don't understand. They're going to talk about this in school, you know, in the Thursday.

I like talking to people on the phone when you take a shit. That's disrespectful. Of course. That's disrespectful. Yeah. So I'm sitting there looking at trees. The elementary schools behind my house. I hear kids playing in the trees.

That's nice. So I'm sitting there one day and I go, what else can I be doing while I'm sitting here? I got it. I got it. I got two birds with one stone. I got the weed right there. Yeah. So I take the weed out.

smoking and when I push the first time instead of going nothing you cough and all of a sudden just every time you cough piss you you hear little pieces fly out of your ass and genius and I've been doing it ever since

I've been losing weight steady you know what I'm saying dude I I thought I was sitting next to you on my plane ride from L.A. to Boston last week this dude was lighting up to play I light them up on fire I'm lack

those tolerance it now so before I fly I have a milkshake just to make sure I make my statement on the plane can I tell you this dude so first of all he was trying to be sly he would do that little shift and right when he did the shift you would get hit

with just yeah and and you know it was him just because of like there's a certain freshness proximity gives you you know what I mean I know what you're talking you know what I mean like you can tell how much it's been diluted by the time I guess of you But if you're on full blast, you know you're right next to the person.

It's dense. So he hits me, right? And the first one, I'm like, you know, I'm going to respect that. Okay. We respect, dude, by the third one, I actually, it was so bad. I said out loud, come on, right? He's looking on his iPad. He's got his headphones in.

He never looks at me. He's gassing me the whole flight. We're at about the 10th time. And I'm not kidding when I tell you This is how drastic it is You know the pillows I have up I have him over my face So just my eyes are over it And when he farts and I smell it

I put the pillow over my face And I turn and I look at him Do you know this motherfucker never even looked my way Not once like a fucking pimp Are you sure you have the window Yes mistake number one He never take the window It was so bad

I don't sit in the window because then you're trapped in the hale in that fart The fan, the air condition is at your feet. If you smoke a vape pen on the plane, watch what happens to the smoke. Go like this. Blow it at an angle down, and you'll see it go right into the floor. So you're inhaling, even if I'm in row, I'm across from you, and I'm blasting, you're inhaling. If half the fart breaks, like a plane, you know what I'm saying? Like it's supposed to.

Like it's supposed to. Now, when I got on a plane, I make sure everybody's got earphones on. If I see everybody with earphones on, I'm going off. I even pivot the hips up. Do you? Oh, yeah, because I know how to pivot the hips up. My goal is to make a bounce off and I'll pivot like this. So it bounces off the screen right into your face.

You know what I'm saying? So you sit there and read it. It's like a game of palms. And now, listen to this. Like a George Gervon. So you got to understand. What people don't understand is if you take an early flight, you're in danger. Because that means 20 people are going on the plane without their morning shit.

And they had a car. And on JetBlue, where Popper sits, I'm drinking double expressos. Yeah. So I'm throwing heat from the fucking time I walk on. I'm blasting double expressos. You understand me? Double, doubles. Did I tell you the menu last week?

Did I read you the menu on JetBlue? Did I read it to you last week? Let me read your last week's Sunday. This is what 27 years of flying has done is you know how to fart on a screen? This is last four. Exactly right. This is Sunday's menu. You ready?

All right. It opened up with a P ricotta Pesto dip with crustinis. I passed out. I had a Kazanix, and I smoked a joint of that dirty bazooka. And I woke up, and there was fucking a little tray of dip with a bunch of Italian bread and cheese. It was peas. And then I had a kale cob salad, a citrus salad, seven-grained risotto, panse and halibut, and citrus brazed pork. That's how you live on fucking, look at what it was.

Oh my God, I forgot that she was there. Look what it was. Oh, my Jesus. I forgot on the... Oh, oh. I forgot. Oh, look at this one. You know that piece of...

He sent that to me. He doesn't have pictures of his kids. He doesn't... Two shits. I took that shit in the morning and sent it to her early morning. It looks like a brown carrot. Looks like a black spear. Look at that.

Look at that thing. It's sticking out of the water. It's beautiful. And when you flush it, it breaks it half, and then it gets, and they choke each other. They're like, I'm going down first. No, I'm going. Because once you break those sticks of death. Yeah, it looks like something they would fight with on Game of Thrones.

Yeah, it does, right? I think so. Imagine seeing that at 7 in the morning. Oh, my God. I hit like two or three people with that email. And they were like, what the fuck? Tom Segura always gets one. The bigger of the pieces, Tom Segura.

He probably loves them. You never post these on Twitter because that. it's endless. You'll get shit from all over the world for days. Is that true? Yeah. If you take a picture of shit and put it on Twitter and tell people like a joke,

you're done. Because nobody, somebody takes a shit for the next five years. You're going to open up your Twitter and there's a picture. Oh, my. On Instagram, don't make that mistake. But if you have a friend that enjoys those pictures, yeah.

If you have a friend that enjoys those pictures that Tom Segura, the bigger the shit, he gets the first picture. Anything over 18, 19 inches? He gets the first picture. It's like a fit. Like when you measure a fish. You can hit Tom Sagar up for a job, anything.

It'll take him an hour to get back to you. Hit him with a piece of shit right back. Oh, Jesus, whatever you can eat. Right back to you. Does he reciprocate? Do you get pictures of shit? Nobody can throw heat like that. No.

They don't compete. What I do is, see, that's after three days. Like I was telling Lee, when I go on the road, my asshole knows, it doesn't want to fuck up the bathroom at the hotel. So it just drops off little turrets from time to time. You don't shit at the bat, at the hotel? My asshole don't like it. But once I get off the plane and I hit the 405,

that's when your asshole starts telling you, what's that song? Here we come. But the time I hit the 101 and my asshole spots the Laurel Canyon exit in two miles, then you hit that little exit. It's got that magnet. And when I'm making that left around Laurel Canyon,

I'm hoping there's not a homeless lady there because she's going down, Jack. My asshole's on fire. I put the luggage down. I run right to the bathroom. And, I mean, that's the first thing I do when I land. The bathrooms at the hotel, I love. But they're always by the door. That's true.

The whole room. So next thing you know, you're all the room service and the poor guy from Haiti has to come and remind himself of his country. I was in a hotel. That's what it smelled like when he left. That's what Haiti smelled like when he left. So he's been here for two years.

He's got a great card. He's working midnight room service. He needs to smell this shit again. I thought you'd like that. It's like a grenade or something. No, if I'm shit in my hotel room, I got class. I don't know who raised your people. I go down to the lobby and destroy the lobby.

You'd rather shit in the lobby than in your room? Yeah, because then I got to sit in that room for 12 hours. Can't you shut the door? Even if you shut the door, this is Uncle Joey. Yeah. I just had peered, panseered fucking Christina. You want that in your room? You don't want that in your room.

You understand. Yeah, a lot of those hotels. don't have fans either. No, they don't have fans. So you sit there all day with rotten ass. So no, no, I just make believe like nothing. I get a cup of coffee. Excuse me, where's the nearest roller skating rink?

And then you just, is there a bathroom? Just throw that in a second. Don't even look. You go right to that hallway and blast it out. When you're walking out, the janitor's walking in and you look at him like, who the fuck was in here? Jesus. And the guy, look at you, see it pesting.

I know sticky white people, fucking animals. What if you wake up at like five in the morning? Do you go downstairs? No, I would never wake up at five to have to do that. But if I have time, like if I'm civilized and I don't have to go to the bathroom, like if I'm getting anxiety, I'll shoot downstairs and go in the hallway. I don't want it in my bedroom in my room. Then the room stinks for two fucking days.

I know what comes out of my ass. No ventilation, no open windows. You're in there and a ail in there. Because the fart smell goes away. But you always have that center smell. Like, if you ever cut a piece of shit, have you ever lost anything, like swallow the ring, and you have to go cut a piece of shit in half? The smell that comes out in the middle is brutal. It's the center of the universe.

And that's, look at poor. No, my kid, my kid swallowed a little metal ball once, and I had the duty of making sure that, you know, that it came out at some point. So, yeah. Did you go in with a spoon? Oh, you go in with a spoon and a paper plate and it's fucking disgust. So what did he do with a spoon out? Like a bucket? Yeah.

I had a little like a colander thing that he could, yeah, take it dump in. And how many did you have to go through before you found your, I mean, you know what the early, early gold miners. There's probably only about four or five. You got a spaghetti strainer. Yeah. You've got a spaghetti spru. Yeah. And then hit the spaghetti strainer.

But in the kitchen sink, though, yeah. Yeah, what are you going to do? What are the options? No, I know. You don't have a lot of options. You know, you know, the birds are dung in the neighborhood. You see 12 birds, the neighborhood, you know what I'm saying? your kid ruined the whole fucking plantation so for you had to go through it four times yeah yeah and then

you find you've never been so happy to find something in your entire life it's very treasure you're never going to have to do that again yeah wow yeah and did and does he remind you that you did that ever no how old was he uh probably four I'd remind my dad yeah I think I would you remember when that time when you had to go through my shit and the lookie and go, don't remind me. Yeah, I think I would. I think I would. I think I would.

Why not, man? I think it's just got all that stuff. What do you do with the spoon after? Oh, you use it for coffee today. You got to throw it out. You throw it away. It's a plastic spoon. Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah. You save it and wash it. Smart move, yeah. Think ahead. You used plastic. If I did, I'd wash and give it to you, so you get the taste the ass in your mouth. So you can finally like to eat that. Yeah, something, something to bring you there.

You don't eat ass? After you eat the soup, you'll go, Jesus, the soup is good. It was a spoon with ass. Hey, it's not that bad. Hummus and ass, what's the difference? I told you, to me, the asshole is like the bodies of vanilla extract. It smells and tastes completely different.

You know what I mean? Like, you know how vanilla extract? You're like, oh, that smells nice. And you taste it, and you're like, that's bitter. And you smell the asshole, and you're like, that kind of smells like shit but you taste it you're like it doesn't really taste like it though you know what i mean i think i think this is just everyone who's done it once everyone like wants everyone like wants me to do it now because it was so terrible you have to do you have to

pretend like it's no no i'm just telling you off it to put a line of coke on her asshole he will lick it off with a line of coke are you kidding me what's a little numb tongue i don't want a numb tongue what do you but you i mean that's quite an offer and for that's a good story for to be your first time. I don't want it that it would be any time. So I would much really eat pussy. Why is that weird? Please don't get him started.

Really? Everyone is saying I have to do it. It's, there's shit up there. I don't care how. You see all those heroes, all my heroes. They didn't eat ass. You think Charles Blonson ate ass? 100%.

No. He just came from eating ass. That's why he always looks like that. All those great men ate ass. They flipped them over, opened up that asshole, stuck a finger in it. Those guys don't eat pussy. The best is when you finger the ear.

asshole for a while and then you take your finger out that face vapor comes out and you take it like a man you smell the ass but you're like I don't give a fuck I got 20 lines of coke in me I've done worse you know what I'm saying you just get that first fume of kidney and fucking colon it smells like everything oh my god you make it sound so great you can smell a liver without the onions Greg Garcia, what's happening, doggy? I love this. This is fine, I just come and listen to stories. This is fucking craziness.

I love it. I'm not going to ask you something. Yeah. Because I've been telling the joke on stage lately, and I don't know if it had to do with you if my memory's fucked up. Okay. When we lived in Seattle, don't tell them that I got beat up with the umbrella. I don't want to hear that shit again.

Who's idea? Who was the promoter of that show? The promoter of that show was the skinny weird guy who drove up in the hearse. Tell people what I'm talking about. So he was a DJ and he used to travel around a hearse and then he would bring his stuff in in a coffin. And he... What was the name of the night? Fetish night.

Fetish night, okay. And so they could come in with any fetish they wanted and then downstairs in the basement, there was that side room where they could do extra. weird shit but they had to pay an extra $50 I think to get into that room and so that was the room behind the bar remember downstairs behind the bar where the guy was putting like jumper cables on his nipples yeah and that's the way that's all I told this guy a story that I went to a place when time when the guy was upside down and they were sucking his dick and it was I remember leaving then going that's tough to suck a man's dick when

they're upside down because all the head all the blood's in the head yeah and I remember going like I went over and looked and the guy was sucking like like his cheeks were sucked in I'm not I don't know if that was my place that wasn't your place your place was when I went downstairs it was a chick on a pool table one night and there were milks and they had a tied up

to every hole yeah like and they weren't fucking her or nothing she had like a thing that with a key on it the chastity belt and they would melt wax on it and she had like nipples on her rings and this was your place yeah downstairs local there was there was that back room

there was one night where there was a glass table and dudes would get under the glass table and watch naked girls squat and poop and they would pay a ton of money. So he got me a more

bad job on Wednesday nights. The guys paid a ton of money. So I'd be upstairs. So you're keeping the piece at this place. No, no, no, no, no. I'm upstairs checking IDs but people are coming up saying what's going on and I would go Josh, come here, work the door for five minutes. Let me go downstairs and take a peek. And let me tell you something. All those fetish things, It's like when you go to a nude beach.

There's nobody at a nude beach that you want to see nude. Like when you hear advertising for a nude beach, do not go there. It's people that look like me. Oh, yeah. Women that look like me. Tom Brady's wife does not go to a nude beach. No. And when you go to those fucking fetish things, it's people who are just,

there was one, like the lady that we saw that was naked, her pussy was so fucking ugly. Like her pussy was so fucking ugly. Like if I remember anything from that club was the one night when the chick was tied to the pool table and in your wildest dreams, you couldn't fuck this chick. But they were all like,

they were all loby-dovey. It was a scene where the ugly you were, the better you were in and that scene. Yeah, I remember that show Real Sex on HBO and they do like... Not good looking for. People, gross people. Rough crowd.

The woman had a gut like mine. Like at that time I wasn't even got heavy. Yeah. She had a gut. They were putting, they were putting like piercings with hooks. Ah. So they would pull on her from different directions. But do you remember the one thing I'll say never a problem that night?

Do you know what I mean? There was, you were security, but not really. Do you know what I mean? Like, out of all the nights that I had there, There was never a problem. And then you had an Asian night where you made, you stole $1,000. But they... They were drinking Don Perignon and he would come home and go, here's $50.

I stole $1,000. They were paying obscene prices for... I was like, how much you want this bottle of crem to meth? Yeah. And they were like, $500. I'm like, you got it. $500 of crem to meth. It was ridiculous.

Yeah. But there was a lot of security that night. Yeah, those nights were outside. There was a lot of shootings and shit that night. Yeah, that was Kung Fu night. Oh, because of Seattle. Yeah, it was rough. It was rough.

And those brothers ran it, and that one dude who owned the club, partially owned it when I first started, was part of the Korean mob. Jesus. And that was real shady the first six months or so that I worked there until the Japanese got took over, until Aki took over. And he was a real good dude. He just wanted, he was, he was a really good dude. He just wanted, the reason that place got shut down. Remember it got shut down because I was out of town doing a gig and he decided to throw a party at Udub and And and just put posters up all ages. It's not an all ages club. I kept telling him. He was like, yeah, but it won't be a problem

I'm like if you do this party. We're going to get shut down. And he was like, no, no, it won't be a problem because we'll make sure they're not drinking. I'm like, how are you going to do that? And sure enough, before I got home, he called me. They shut the place down. I'm like, yeah, you dumb because I had the the sweetheart of a deal, man. What did you do exactly? He gave me 10% off the top because he was going to close it down. And remember I kind of, I was like, hey, dude, before you close it down, give me three months to try

to turn it around. And he gave me three months, and he was like, this is going way better than I thought it would. What's it going to take? And he was like, how about 10%? And I thought he meant to like, whatever, his profits were. He gave me, he wasn't a great business guy. He gave me 10% off the top. And I was like, that's good.

And then I get to bartend any night I want to do. I got to hire my friends. I get to set up all. I did everything. Yeah. He had a great lunch. Oh, dude, that Mexican guy could. He used to make chocolate.

Moles sauce. Mola sauce. Oh, so good. Lunch at the place? Yeah. El Lobo loco. He let me rename it. And I would go on and eat on the arm.

Yeah. Is it is? Is the woman tied to the pool table during lunch? No, no, no. This is a special time. Nice. Okay. Wednesday nights. It was Wednesday nights. That's a special. That's a special night. That's pool night. Yeah. Okay. But I just pictured now a lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch. Yeah, it didn't play as well at lunch. But they also had Alex Rodriguez's 21st birthday party. Yeah, we do. Yep. All right. You know, women walking around with shots. There was also a night in there where they had a release party for the heroin chick. And I heard horrible stories that she had guys shooting her, the Kirk Cobain's wife. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They had a party for, you got to remember, this was downtown Seattle, and it was down the block from the bass player from Soundgarden's bar.

The Central? Was it Central? It was no, no, no, no. So Lobo Local had a parking lot next to it, and then you walk to the corner, then you cross the street. And if you walked 50 yards, it was somebody from Soundgarden on the bar on that street at that time. So they were always, Soundgarden was never there, but people were always there. Yeah.

And then if you walk the other way, down the block, you hit the Comedy Underground. Yeah, which was my favorite club of all time. Now, that fucking block and a half to the Comedy Underground, and I'm looking at you, and I have his, him, you could have gotten killed there. Oh, yeah. You could have gotten killed there. It was that bad, huh? There was something about it that you don't know what. It was heroin.

I'll never forget one night. But it was really just there, man. It was that, that square. Yeah. Just that one three-block section was a skit. Because I still remember you booked a club on a Monday night one time after the open mic right down the corner. And we walked out and we were yelling at two guys that were getting into a fight.

Like these guys were about to stab them to themselves and were like, hey, fuck you. And they're like, fuck you. And they kept fighting them. And like the guy would stop and look at us like, I'm coming to you. Like it was crazy. These three blocks, these three blocks. It was, it was.

It was one of the best times in my life. One of the best funniest. How long were you guys up there? He was up there way longer than I was. 93 to 97 for me, right? Wow. No, no, no, 94 to 97. I walked in 95 and I made it to 97.

Okay. Yeah. 97. I got arrested six times in two years. No, wait. Jacob was born in 97. I made it to the end of 96. Yeah. Because I came in January of 97.

Jacob was born after that. Yeah, yeah. Fucking crazy. Because what year did we meet? 99. Okay. All right, yeah. 99.

You know what's funny is I, I, so the first TV deal that I got off of that one-man show thing, he was the writer for it. And he, but he was being over. Oh, yeah, some guy was supervising. Supervising. A guy named Danny Jacobson was supervising. improvising him. So I, but you know, I saved that, I tell you, I saved that script that you wrote. And I read it the other day and I was like, this is still fucking funnier than anything I've ever written in my entire life. Like, yeah, dude, it's still really funny. We had fun with that one. Yeah. But Danny Jacobson was bananas. No, he was nuts. Joey, they had this guy like, I hadn't really done that much. And so they're like, this guy's going to oversee you or whatever. But the guy was fucking nuts.

And he didn't know what he was doing. Big ego. Oh, real big ego. That's what I remember about it. I remember he was somewhere one night, and I knew he was connected to Josh. And I thought to myself, Josh might have a problem with this guy. And I didn't meet him. I didn't shake his hand.

Somebody just said, that's Danny Jacobson. I'm going to tell you something. Big ego. Is he still around? Yeah. I think he did something recently, but I don't know. I don't know. I don't tell you something.

I don't think I've ever told you. might make you feel good. Yeah. So he handed the group that his script. It was way better than I think Danny wanted your script to be. This is me just guessing. And after he read the script, which we, everybody on the team was like, this is a good fucking script.

When Danny calling and said, we don't need Greg anymore. That's basically how that went. Yeah. And said, we don't need Greg anymore. And I was like, we do actually kind of need Greg. this script is really good and he was like yeah he convinced me he was like nats and I was like I think it is everybody thinks it's really good he's like I'm gonna write a better script he went over his resume a couple times which was at the time really good yeah yeah so every day we go over to his

house and by the way he was the first dude that I ever thought I can't believe how much weed this guy smokes he had a drawer full of joints and a drawer full of just money he had a dude that he came that came over to type for us that he called clacky but he didn't tell me his real name he was like he's the typewriter guy so he he said his name is clacky we never put a word to paper we were there for maybe three hours he had a huge screen tv he loved the honeymooners we watched a lot of honeymooners smoked a lot of weed you know nothing he was like now and he was like no now for but for the meeting with the network we were at he was there was a script promised and he was like don't worry i'll bring it'll be good i'll get it to you it'll be

good, good, good, good. I think maybe a day before the meeting we're going in, he sends everybody's script. And I get the script for the first time. Because I'm sitting around, I think I'm waiting for notes. I'm just like, all right, I gave my script to this dude, I'm supposed to show to, he'll give me notes soon. I guess he's taking too long to write it, or read it. And then, on my doorstep, there's a script, and it says written by him, and then me underneath him. And I'm like, what the, and I'm looking through it. And I'm like, this isn't anything that I wrote. And it went to everybody, network, everybody. It was, okay, we walk into the meeting the next day.

Now, I will tell you this. So Danny had told me that Greg's script was not that good. And I knew that Danny's script was completely different than Greg's. So, do you know what I mean? I was like, well, maybe the one that I think is good is bad and the one that I think is bad is good, because they are completely different. Do you know what I mean? We walk into the meeting. The guy, the network guy standing, he holds the script above the table to me and Danny and my,

manager, I think, drops it for effect. Bam! And just looks at Danny and goes, I don't fucking get it at all. And Danny was like, which part? He was like, the whole thing. He was like, what happened to that other script? His script. And it was a fucking scramble.

It was a scramble. But I was sitting there watching what I thought was because of how excited the network was. and this fucking guy watching what I thought was oh this has got a shot to as the script was dropping that was mimicking my career just

I don't fucking get it at all I was like oh my God and that was it's crazy I didn't know that part of it but um it was yeah yeah what a crazy fucking business but I didn't know you got the script I got it on my doorstep I think they just maybe accidentally sent it to me

or maybe he was trying to to gloat and he was like you want to read a real script yeah maybe yeah and i call i called the network i just picked the phone called the network i said hey i just got a script i don't i didn't write it so just so you know i don't you know i don't know what to tell you right oh where did you go after you wrote that script well that was a funny thing because that guy too while we were working on josh's show at one point i had two pilots going on and uh josh's and another one and uh he said to me oh another pilot Danny Jacobson said? I said, yeah. And he goes, it'll never go. And I go, all right, well, that was yes, dear. So that went for six years. So that's what I did right after the Josh

thing. I did yes dear for six years. And who was your boss on that one? Danny Jacobson? No, no, no, it was just me. Me and I co-created it with a guy named Alan Kirchambeau. So it was just the two of us created this show together. So what, you said Danny Jacobson? Well, he was before this, when I was working with Josh, he told me that yes, dear, he said it'll never get on. He just like in the middle, just for no reason. He just was like, yeah, yeah, that show's not going to go. What did he have done? What did he?

Mad about you. Roseanne. That, or both of those. Yeah. That's why he was so hot. And he was, for the story that I was telling, it was, Roseanne was the right tone that we were kind of going for. But you know what's funny about that, yes, dear pilot.

I remember you sent it to me and I got to read it. And I remember thinking to myself, as I was reading this scene, this scene, this scene. this scene is so funny it could get a show made and it was that scene with the baby oh with a baby at the end yeah that's the only thing i got that show in the air yeah dude that scene i was i would show i was laughing so fucking hard yeah but like it was hysterical yeah but the whole the whole script was good that joke doesn't work today it's just too easy to manipulate yeah you know video and stuff like that so it's a bit where a baby walks across water because these two idiots they needed to have splice the home video and what have you and it's just a visual gag but now wouldn't work yeah you just put a

filter on anything you do whatever and stuff but yeah they were trying to get away with taking to the baby to the casino right yeah yeah something like that and so they had video and they were just they tried to replace it with something but they made the baby when they showed the wives to convince them that they weren't at the casino they showed the video of the baby walking on water yeah which is it messed it up which is a dead giveaway you know that they but the the the interesting thing. I'll send you a tape. It's funnier when you see it.

I'm just blown away. That you grow up, you know, you grew up wherever the fuck, Virginia Beach. Yeah. You grew up watching stupid fucking TV shows. And now you've been in the business. Damn 20 years. You've controlled three or four fucking big-time shows. Like, it's nothing for you.

It's fun. He's nothing. Lucky. You think about this shit, you know. It's not just being out here. He's been out here in home runs. Like, you know. And we've both been on some sets.

Your sets are different than anybody's sets. You have a good time. You have a good time. Different. But from the moment you get on the set to the moment you leave, the people on your set are super friendly. Yeah. It's a good group.

And most of them been working, we've been working together for, you know, 10, 15 years. It's really important to me that when I know somebody and I go in, that if the director is friends of mine or somebody important in that film is a friend of mine, I go doubly prepared. Yeah. So the first time I booked my name is Earl,

I knew my lines forwards, backwards. I went in there straight, but with weed in my bag. And I still remember wearing camouflage shorts, but my name is Earl's shoot was like an 11. And I had to go to a meeting. Remember when I was making those stupid Joey karate videos? Those were not stupid.

I had to go to some fucking meeting, a meeting that was a pot company or something. So I wore against all my beliefs, because if you look at any piece of my clothing, there is never a piece of clothing with a pot anything on it. I've never done that in my life. I don't like pot clothing. I don't like psychedelic clothing. But for that reason, that shirt was so cool. It was the first original California sign they made of Reefer.

And it was a yellow shirt and it mixed with the camouflage shorts with white sneakers. You're pimping. So I take a shirt with me and I go, I'll go to the meeting with this weed shirt on. And then on the drive up to My Name is Earl, I'll switch T-shirts. I was sold and they were going to give me money. I got so caught up with the video. that I didn't realize I was walking with this weed t-shirt on until I hit the first AD, and she goes, cool shirt, right?

And all of a sudden, I'm on the trailer, and I'm like, what am I going to do? And my wardrobe wasn't in there. So I went walking around, and everybody started going crazy over my weed shirt. Like, everybody was like, man, fucking tremendous cool. And within minutes, I smelled weed. And I go, I'm in a cool fucking scent. Yeah. We're okay here.

Yeah, you will occasionally smell that. You also, without a doubt, consistently best food on set. Whatever trucks you're doing and whatever money you're spending, you're doing it. Andreas. Oh, so. That's Andreas. Damn. Does it make a big different, like...

Good food on a set makes it big difference. Good food on a set makes it all worthwhile. But it shows you, like, that you... that the person that you're working for cares a little bit. Right? They're putting a little extra into it. Yeah, you're there so long. Yeah.

Like 14 hours. Yeah. There's only a few people who give you cards when you shoot. I'll give you something. Him. You know what I just gave me something that I cried? I still have it. Dick Van Dyke.

Is that right? I shot one of his lifetime movies and he gave me a bottle of something. Wine. Aftershave. Something with a little note. you for doing it handwritten that's the world it's great 69 a day yeah yeah yeah yeah 469 a day I played a bookie and I cried every time I looked at it and he finally came to me he goes why are you crying did you have a death and I go no you were the

first guy I saw when I came from Cuba on TV and I can't stop crying he was like really that's crazy I got to speak Spanish by watching he's like really English and he just became my and then his son was working it's those little things even when you work for Adam a year later he sends you like a blanket i still got my longest yard blanket do you fuck yeah i take it to the beach all the time i got a guest book towel for you okay yeah yeah yeah they were giving him out last night it's crazy how this thing came along called the one hundred dollar a day movie and people really took advantage of that and i'll never forget one night doing a pilot for after a podcast a podcast a podcast

It was $100 a day. I had two scenes, but I told them how to do it, but I won't cash because my drug dealer. And what time is my call? And what time am I getting out? Because my drug dealer closes it one. Bitch better have my money. And I'll never forget going up there the first night. And they had nothing.

They had nothing. What do you mean they had nothing? They had an apple. Oh, yeah, yeah, no, that's bad. Those granola bars. That's the next night. that went up there it looked like the Taj Mahal because the after guy was there and I told the guy go big difference tonight he goes what are you talking about I go last night didn't this is a pizza

shop they didn't have a pizza and he go he gave me his card and he goes from now on you want and he set and they're missing that because I started talking to the guy thinking he was Joe Schmo yeah and the guy took a liking from me he goes here take my card I work for after next time you go on a set there's no food call me fucking immediately So I became the guy. The whitey bulger of craft service. Listen, dog, I did this movie that the director just recently passed away. Good guy.

Oxi's got him or whatever got him, good guy. But I'll never forget, like, they told me when I got the movie that I was going to work 21 days straight. And I was like, I'm cool with that, you know? And the first day they're like, you know, you pay for your own lunch. You got to go off the set. And I had just done Spider-Man, too, where they didn't give you, lunch but they gave you 25 a day and they really did give you lunch yeah they really did give you lunch and i and after the second day i go can i ask you guys and there was nothing to eat i go can i ask you guys

like it started shooting on a thursday so Thursday and friday they sent this out the lunch and i went to the director and i go you really want us driving around if you only have 21 days to shoot this and he goes well that's the budget that we had so then we had to work Saturday and the sunday i came in bro now let me tell you something I'm shooting something on a Sunday I'm taking a man or a woman away from her family on a Sunday I'm gonna make it a little special

yeah I'm gonna make it a little special yeah what I usually do plus something you know what I'm saying and I'm gonna make it a short day I'm gonna make this like a three take a scene day let's it's Sunday why are we fucking around I'll never forget going there

and at this time I was very quiet on sets I was a comic and I didn't like how comics would act on sets that they would try to steal the show. So I learned to shut my mouth. There was no trailers. It was, you know, and they had names in this movie at the time. But the main guy being the father and the fighter. That's how I met him.

Okay. He lives right around the corner. The father and the fire. Now he's on the fucking Broadway doing a play with Denzel Washington. I just bumped into him and he got back from New York. He was in the movie. And I remember going, no disrespect. I've seen you on the show with Dennis Leary.

What's going on here? And he was from the Bronx, and he fueled my anger. He was like, I know. They don't have no fucking food. I've been in this business for 20 years. Nobody's ever sent me out for lunch. And this was like, we were out there, like, in Scaryville. How many days are you supposed to be on this at?

Silmar, 21 in a row. All out in Silmar? Out in Silmar in a fucking state sound with one. It was a true story. It was about AA meeting, the most popular one on Radford. It's Monday night. That's where if you want to sell a script, you go up there and make believe you're an alcoholic because all the big time directors and stuff go in there.

Yeah, like that's what, seriously, the guy who got this movie made was a guy who played an Alki went to that meeting on Mondays. Got it, networking. And he would network. It was all heavy-duty people. Monday nights up there is everybody. The guy from office and the gentleman, do you suck dick.

All the black dude, he's up there, all the top Hollywood heavyweights go up there because it's their own little circle. It's a true story in the 70s. There was a robbery. And the two people went into the meeting and hid in the meeting and held everybody captain for 12 hours.

This guy found out about it, wrote a story about it. So when they got, listen to the weirdest thing, Greg Garcia. When I did the episode with you of, let them on fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you look at my tooth, it's black. People think that the makeup department did that.

That was my cocaine habit. Okay. The drip was already starting to eat this enamel on the tooth. And I caught it, and I went to a dentist. And dentist was like, it's going to cost you. It was a day before Christmas. He was going to cost you $1,500 to do it. I go, I got $500.

He goes, done, I'll see you, ain't no more. But that black tooth was starting to rot from the flow. And on that movie, I did the table read over here next to Aroma. On Tahanga, yeah. There's a little stage in there. I did the table read. And there was some actors in that movie. The chick that played the mistress and goodfellas was at the table read.

The guy from Mission Impossible that died was at the table read. Jack was at the table read. There was some big names. And I'm sitting there. I got to get this movie. This role is me. And they were like, we'll call you. You know, and when the movie, when I signed on,

it was $1,000 a day plus $10 for your agent or something. Yeah. They called me a year later. They're like, well, the movie's on, but it's 100 a day. And we want to take you out to lunch. And they took me into some shitty Chinese joint in the Valley. They made me meet him like in Wilden Hills. Yeah.

And there was three producers, and they sat me down. This is the first time anybody had ever. I never had the balls to say this to me. We're talking and they go, you know, we want you for the role, but there's only one problem. We've heard about your drug problem. And that is saying nothing. I go, it doesn't affect who I am, whatever. Then I like, listen, we're shooting 21 days in a row, and everybody shoots in every scene.

If you're not there, we can't shoot. So before you make a decision and tell us, yes, we want you to go home and sleep on it. Yeah. Because we're going to need you for two. 21 days straight. What years is this? This is 2007. This is when I quit Coke.

And I went home and I was furious that my little secret was out. Yeah, I was fuck. I was ready to fucking hunt down whoever left my secret out. It's obviously you're pale. You got your white shit coming out of your nose. Yeah.

And you're 400 fucking pounds, you know. You're cutting it with sour cream. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. One of my favorite jokes of yours. What are you cutting this shit with butter? And it wasn't even my joke. What's her name gave it to me?

She stole it. And then the guy went after me and had to spit in his face at the improv. Then he died of cancer. But before he died, he died... Richard Jenny? No, before he died, I had to do a movie with him and sit in the room with him all night. We kept looking at him.

Who was it? One night I'm at the comedy store doing this joke about cocaine. And I'm snorting coke every night. And one night, I forget what her name was. I love her to death. Who's Luca Polanka's girlfriend? Wife. I don't remember.

Tammy Pascatelli. Tammy Pascatelli. Tammy Pascatelli comes up to me in a sweetheart of the way, and she goes, Joey, you should say you're cutting your coat with butter. Yeah. So nine out of ten, for 20 years, Greg, I don't care who the fuck you are. You come up to me with a tagline, I'll tell you, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I won't really use it. Yeah. I'll think about it first.

Something made me use it. Yeah. It was funny. That's funny. Something made me use it. That's why. And a fucking month later. I'm getting threats from this comic, this old school Jewish comic,

that I stole his joke. And I go, bro, I wasn't even around when you were doing that joke. And he kept on it and kept on it. And every time he'd come to the improv, he kept on it. I'd see him at commercial auditions, and he would say shit to me. And at that time, I had my little addiction. God forbid, I smack you and I go to jail for 24 hours. I go crazy.

I just want to smoke Coke. Sticks and stones will break. my bones if I store you a joke I store you joff and I didn't steal his joke I swear to merch I didn't steal his joke and one night I went into the improv had like eighteen dollars too short to get a 20 when I would smack in the fucking mouth remember at the improv and the old improv the checks would be up yeah so you could go through the checks and if I had checks remember how many checks drew carry had there yeah just sitting there oh my god we would just take two drew two carry check deposit 30 bucks

I went in there like $18, $2 short of a $20, and I had to go up on stage, and I found out they weren't paying me that night. It was one of those deals, and I walked in there, and that guy came up to me. And he squared up on me, he goes, you stole my joke, dog. We're going to end this tonight,

and before I just looked at him and spit this fucking face, and it almost knocked him over. He went backwards. He couldn't believe nobody's ever spit in my face. Well, come close to me, and I'm knocking the fuck out. And I went on stage. And he created a campaign that I stole a fucking joke. But by the way, but by the way.

All this shit. It's not, by the way, it's a joke. So the odds of somebody else. Well, he was a Coke fiend. Yeah. And that's the thing. And that's the comedy store in those days. And I'm sure somebody else in the 80s wrote it to.

He wrote it to. So he's, we had this war at the improv. They have to hold him back. They got to hold me back. I pushed the manager. The whole fucking deal. I get suspended for 30 days, whatever. And I got a call from Nick Swanson.

And he goes, do you want to be in this movie I'm doing? I go, yeah, I'll be down there Saturday. Guess who's in the trailer next to me? No. Yeah, the guy's spit in his face. Oh, no. And we're in the same scene together. No.

Me, him, Don Johnson, and some other guy. What movie is that? So in between takes, what's the worst movie? What, the poor kid, rotten tomatoes almost went under. Grandma's Boy? Yeah. No, it was a grandma's boy. It's the porn one.

The porn one. Nikki Walters, whatever. Oh, yeah. Grandmas Boy is a good movie. I was in that. And that got rotten, fucking. and tomatoes like they they almost gave him his money back he couldn't even the Bank of america wouldn't cash his check that movie's terrible like he put but i go in there on a saturday morning

and my scene is with this guy were you supposed to like each other and i went up to nick swanson like a man and adam and i go come here for a second i told adam and adam like he loves all that shit adam's saying loves all that shit i'm like adam wait what's the scene though do you guys like each other do you hate each other a promoter is showing us his movie and we have to agree to it so your buddies yeah like me you and him are producers yeah and lee is showing us porn to sell and the movie ends and i look at you and i'm like i can't even see her clip like the agent called me and said i can't even read the lines to you and it's so bad so we got to I had to walk in with Don Johnson

and sit next to this fucking moron and the whole time he was talking shit like once they broke us for lunch he kept telling Nick Swanson that guy stole my joke and at one point I had to tell him at that point he had a guy like working with him was he telling people you spit in his face

oh yeah he's got no class he spent my face and I was spitting your fucking face again keep it up cucksucker I was crazy you know yeah and then the guy got like throat cancer and died good Lord so I Yeah, so how good do I feel?

What happened to the woman that told you to say that? She got in the middle and she stuck up for me and, you know, whatever. Yeah. But the guy didn't believe her. The guy just had it out. The guy just wanted to pick a fight with him. Yeah. So that's it.

He died of cancer. So were you wishing cancer on it? No, I didn't wish nothing for all I wanted was for him to leave me to fuck alone. Okay. You know, remember he went on the last comic towards the end? He did okay. he was an old guy and he went on that comic

to one year and he came in 16 so now that gave him some plug so I walk into the improv and he wants to fucking pick a fight with me and I don't make dog I just want to go home and pick up my 20 and go home and snort with the cats I don't want to bother nobody I don't want to bother nobody

you know I went in the comedy store I went to the you know the bathrooms in the main room yeah I haven't been in those bathrooms apparently since when we used to that used to the main room used to be empty the woman's bathroom yeah the woman's bad that main room no no no the men's room when you were going that through that little hallway and you take a left right away and that between the original yeah and but that room used to be the main room

used to be empty most nights but and but that was the bathroom that everybody went to do coke and i hadn't been in that bathroom since because i don't use the main room bathroom because it was it's it used to be basically set up for us to do coke those bathrooms yeah because nobody was using that bathroom except though me and you and probably Schubert and the back piano in the main room that was for cocaine yeah

but I would go back there by myself and I would hear fucking spirits so I would not snore Coke back there but the basement too dude then no but I never went to the basement to snort Coke there's no reason to go to the basement hell hell that's it in the basement yeah yeah and the woman's The bathroom is the best at the Comedy Store in the main room because they have a little couch. You can sit it down. You can sit it down and rub her back and let her tell you about the problems.

Why you do some cocaine and then Sukalamink, you know what I'm saying? Next thing you know you're naked in there. The fucking, they really do. They have like a little couch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The bathroom that brings me, I've been going to the Comedy Store for 21 years. And nothing brings me a better memory than the bathroom. belly room bathroom

Josh at the time had a child and he was involved with this woman that was How we didn't make a show for her at the time? Oh my God A reality show. Yeah, she was the real deal. She had everybody By the balls and she was a gorgeous woman. She was 40 pounds overweight And she was still I remember her coming in a month after she had Jacob into the union And every man in the room looked at it. She was voluptuous. She had a face So her and Josh are going through some stuff. And one night, Josh, you know, Josh has, at that time, Josh had a weird sense of humor.

He had a different type of sense of humor. It was a little darker. Yeah. So I guess she was a little darker, yeah. She gets home one night at six in the morning, and Josh yells at her, and she has a heart attack and takes fucking 20 Xanax. And she falls over, and Josh is like, you're going to die because I can't pick you up. You know, like Josh is just saying nasty things to her. Then the ambulance came and they tried to pull her out.

And Josh was like, I'm telling you, you're not going to get her out that door. Because she was a voluptuous woman, like just tremendous knockers. She was big, big face. And she didn't give a fuck. No, she would wear a mini skirt. She didn't care. She didn't care. No.

Like, you have to give her, like, if I have to put a list of most memorable people in my life, she's in the top 20 at that point. Whatever happened between them was whatever. But for that time, she really would make you laugh from time. time. Not from time to time. She was funny. She was funny. She was funny. I remember she used to take $20 out of his ATM machine every day. Listen, if you want to piss Josh, I've always said that they should do another fear factor

and take a Jew and hold them back. Like hold him and like put a gun to their father's head, but then take the ATM machine and take the thing and take their money out and cut the 20s and half and then watch a Jew just go crazy. Like, ah! She would take a 20. She talked Josh into taking her giving him a credit card with her name on it, like so they could split the household duties. But she was taking on a 20 for lunch every day.

She did clerical work. I could spit in his face and he wouldn't get his mad at that 20. He got so mad at that 20. You remember. That one of his best bits of his life was about that 20. He said, you know what that's like? That's 140 a week. That's $2.80 a month.

That's $5.60 a month. That's you know how money you know what turkey burgers I could eat he had like a bit about it I would say and then I would ask him for a 20 just to fucking destroy him yeah like because that's the he would go on the in those days you didn't even go on the computer because here's a thing here's a machine here's a thing and find out you were broke like you didn't even know you were broke that you got but but Joe you're missing the bit that I was making a thousand dollars a month a month so $20 a day was you was a lot of fucking money he was getting pissed his face and getting red like i mean turkey burgers and fucking beans and she's on she she she would order

fucking to go at this clerical job and she would bring stuff home and that's what she was eating and i was like you know everybody was torrent to him the brother the brother couldn't pay rent but he'd order every night from what's that place san ku chicken san ku chicken the fucking mix bowl it smelled like 10 Hindus in the apartment that's when i would leave i don't give a fuck i gotta go And then one night, he was getting tortured from all over. I'm living with him, mooching off him. The chick is taking 20 a day. And then as long distance calls to Compton.

And the only person in those black people is his brother. You remember that shit. Do you remember that shit? I walk into an argument in the house one night. And he's like, I didn't call Crenshaw. It was Crenshaw. I was Crenshaw. And that day, they charged you.

Yeah, you had to pay anything outside that area. You had to pay like 55. Get that bill and you just see like 10 cents 12 cents. Right. Yeah. Just add it up. So he had a black girlfriend in Crenshaw and I'll never forget Josh will go like, wait a second, wait a second, Jonathan, you're trying to sit there.

I'm walking into this like excited, I got a $20 bag of Coke, I'm taking Josh with me, Malia's going to babysit, you know, we're out. And Josh is like, so you're trying to tell me you got a black girlfriend, but you're not calling Crenshaw. And he would sit there and go, yo, just because I have a black girlfriend doesn't know I know any other black girlfriend. doesn't know I know any other black people. And it was just fucking hysterical. Do you remember the other part?

I go, I go, you teach at Crenshaw High School. Yeah, it was a state. That's not you. You're not making that call. He's like, no, it's still not me. And I'm like, okay, well, that's a pretty strong denial. I mean, I don't know what else to say. Yeah, but I was the craziest.

He would deny it to this day. He would deny it to the, which I respect. Yeah. But like, yeah, once he's in, he's in. But you know what? Here's the thing is that like when there's a lot. Okay, a friend of mine just came to my show in Boston. And when we were like 14 years old, there was one of these big town tennis tournaments.

And we were in it and we ended up playing each other. And you got to referee your own match. He's been cheating the whole time. Whatever. So match point. I serve. He swings and he misses. And he goes, do over.

And I'm like, what do you mean? And he goes, do over. I go, why? What do you need to do over for? He goes, you didn't see that butterfly? I go, what? And he goes, that butterfly. I go, I didn't want to hit it with my racket.

We got to do a do-over. And I says his name's Anton. I go, Anton, there's only two of us here. One of us is lying. Like, we were both looking at where the ball was. How can you look at my face and tell me there was a butterfly? And he just, you know, he just goes, do-over, butterfly. And I was like, because I'm like, he's never going to, I know guys like that are just never going to break.

They're never going to say there was no butterfly. Yeah. And there was only two of us that. How'd you do on the do-over? What a crazy argument. And then we leave. So this one night, Malia's been going out and not coming home until six. And Josh is on his last draw.

And Josh yells at the one night and she eats a bunch of Xanax. And she doesn't, she can't even write the note. And she passes out. And Josh has to call 911. I go over there. Josh calls me and says, did you see her? I go, I saw it like a two. You always saw Malia.

Yeah. But I didn't see her at six. I had no money in those days to be stunted Cokedo 6, and if I had it, I'd be by myself. So he goes, last night she had a bunch of pills. I don't know. I go, where is she in the hospital? They pumped the stomach.

A cheeseburger came out, spare ribs, you know. She ate at some fucking 20-hour lunch. She had a good lunch that day. She ate good. So it's like, it's Thursday morning with, it's Tuesday morning when this happens. So when you try to commit suicide, they hold you for 48 hours.

there's a legal hold on you. Well, Wednesday night, I'm outside, standing in the hall at the comedy store, outside where my name is. And who do I see walking into the comedy store? But Malia. And she walks right up to me, like, nothing happened. Like, I didn't hear about what happened. You gave me a hug and says, where's the dude with the Coke? And I go, you just, like, I tried to explain to her.

I'm like, you just, and she goes, no, no, no, I got money. So she goes, she knew the guy, she gets the packages. She goes, where can we do a bump? I go, we have to go upstairs, Malia. And the whole walk on the way up, I'm trying to get out like what happened, but I don't have the balls to ask her. Yeah. So we finally get to the bathroom.

She empties the whole five packages out. Like, it's just a fucking little mound, and she's chopping it up with an ATM card. And I finally... Whose name was on that ATM card? She finally... She finally... It takes a gram, and it was like, Chewy would give you 620s for 100 in those days.

So it was like a gram. It was like a gram point two. That's a lot of coke. And she cut it into two lines. And I looked at it, and I go, Malia, before you do that, can I ask you a question? Weren't you just in an insane asylum? And she goes, yeah. And I go, why are you out?

And she goes, I talked them out of it. And she said something to me. she goes, I talked them out of it. I'm not crazy. And with that, she just did the whole line of coke. Yeah. And that is every time I go to the belly room to do a show, that memory

comes back to me of her going, looking at me and going, I'm not crazy. Yeah. You just did a fucking half a gram in one line. And you're sitting there telling me you're not crazy. You guys should have done a show about this. Yeah. That's my memory.

That's your opening scene right there. Every time I go to the belly room, I sit in that boot, and I still remember that lady's bathroom. That's when there was no shows in the belly room. Yeah. There was nothing. During the week, it was just the original room. So you could snort Coke in the main room or the belly room until your heart was good. And which is upstairs?

Belly room. Belly room. She, yeah, man. You didn't take the cart away? Here's the crazy thing. She was the one making money. We had decided because I was like, I'm going to have to go out. at night and perform so I can't work during the day and go out of night I'll take

care of the kids you get a job and then I'll go out of night which she preferred anyways yeah so that was easy it just you know she was doing with coke at work though dude yeah what she do what what job did she had a boss that's right yeah and one of yeah yeah and a girl they had a boss yeah that was into coke and then she the boss is buying coke that's how she was getting some of her coke yeah I think so and what did they do she worked in an insurance office or something like that yeah something like that she worked maybe an insurance office but it was it wasn't my healthiest relationship I hope not no no no it gets better then Josh wolf launched the company a peanut butter and jelly corporation yeah I've heard about yeah

I still owe at $250 yeah at least outstanding tab because he had you lose yeah you hate the Shit, I know those you who's. He would come back to know this. He was missing. Oh, I can't. You know. And you who's? I can drink you who's like a motherfucker.

I'm surprised it's only three, to be honest. Oh, he was killing. You just had a cooler and you moved around town, right? Well, they paged me. And then we would make the sandwiches in the apartment. And we got shut down by the health board. Really? Yeah, because.

Can't make sandwiches at your house? On the ground, my kids were putting the... I'm surprised you got found out. We were doing, like, we were doing a, all right you're doing well yeah not well but enough like when you're making a thousand dollars a month if you add an extra four hundred dollars that's a lot yeah you know so and i was trying to get air conditioning for my saturn you remember that fucking car it had no air conditioning and the st bernard used to ride in it so you could either ride with the windows down but the air there was like a tornado

of hair yeah and so we would get out and look like a wookie you know what i mean or you could roll up the windows, but if you rolled up the windows, it's hot as fuck. Oh, yeah. And you're in there with the St. Bernard. And the kids, sometimes, I think, some of them got so hot, they just passed out. Like, sometimes I'd be sweating in the car and I'd look in the back and they were just all asleep. I'm like, man, I hope I'm not doing bad shit to their brains right now. One time, we took that car to Lake Havasu. Oh, my God. Just telling them, Dad couldn't be covered in hair. You got to save this for one of your TV shows. Yeah. We took that car to Lake Havasu.

no air conditioner. It's 114 the last hour. We got the sunroof open and the windows open. Just living on warm air and all the fucking flies and mosquitoes. And there's a little vizine bottle there. When we get there, we're stoned to the gills and fuck cohere decides to put the vizine in his eyeballs. It was 108 degrees. Oh, Jesus.

He's like, ah. I remember that. And then I had the handicap room, remember? And I didn't have a shower with that. head I had to sit down in the shower and it shot water at my chest and there was a snake in my fucking room it was and that gig wasn't Brian Dunkelman with us that we had wasn't Brian Duncankelman with us first of all you're ready to lease because Lee's getting into comedy I just want to drop it out all right it was 150 for the night yeah and you had to drive down and you

got 150 so you already lost 80 in gas yeah yeah like it's four it was five down and five back You had to go over the London Bridge. Yeah. It was a... Once you hit the London Bridge. 150. 150. That last weekend we went, we got them for 250 because it was dirty white people weekend.

That's right. It was the weekend when everybody goes down there, they jump from boat to boat. And you can see the chlamydia of slugs. Did we have to... It's disgust. Did we have to judge something? We had a judge and do... And we, like, beached out on it.

The funny thing was that... What did you judge? Like a bikini contest and something stupid. But that was an ugly weekend. because his cousin Scott had a party on that street. Scott was living with your other brother, and they were living in Hollywood towards Mimi's Cafe, up the corner type by that neighborhood,

by the Jewish neighbor with the Bengals. Oh, no, Gary, Gary and Danny. No, it was Scott, I think. And then they were living there because we went over there one night and we listened to Santana. And we went there one night, and the cops came at 2 in the morning. We were all gacked out, and Scott went to the door. it was like 30 of us and Scott went to the door

and he knew the cops he was on party of five he's signing autographs and the cops went away we had to be in La Javisou at 12 so it was two in the morning we got fucking six grams of blow like what are we gonna do you want to snort those six let's just drive all night and we left we stopped somewhere we got a bunch of beers

Carol the stripper me you Brian Dunkelman had to be like eight of us and three of us were performing yeah we were getting four hotel rooms or three hotel rooms so somebody had a share. Yeah, you could, and with $150. $150.

I think they only paid for one meal, right? When you were performing in the bar? Yeah. And so you got it. And if you drank, you blew your money. Yeah, that was it. Like, if you found the break even. What do you mean if you drank?

There's no way you're going to one of those gigs. And it was one of those gigs. There was a lot of those gigs. In fact, I just watched that movie where you go to the gig, and the waitress would ask you what you wanted. And you're like, I'll take a beer and bring Leah beer. And all of a sudden, at the end of the night, you get paid, and they give you a tab. And you're like, what's this for? Oh, you're burnt drinking.

You're like, the waitress asked me if I wanted something. You know what I'm saying? I thought you were the guest. I thought you were the guest. And they're like, nah, it was like the Blues Brothers. Nah, we got to pay for our beer right here. Yeah. You know, like, you got to pay.

You pay was $2.50, but the band drank $2.80. So I'd appreciate you guys. Like, that used to have. Like, I did this room one time in St. Louis. with Jody Ferdy Oh shit She was the Feature Act And I think they were paying like 500 bucks

Or 400 bucks It was a Yoda room But she's a fucking booze And I kept telling her Buy a bottle at the bar And drink it in your room Not her She would be at the bar

And I remember Sunday night She was crying And I go, what are you crying about And she goes, I owe them to $72 I go What do you think those fucking beers Were for free? Yeah

You know a bar will give you two beers. Usually too. You don't abuse them. They give you two draft tickets. Once they see you're an alky, they're like, turn on the line, bro. That's $7 of cocktail. We don't give a fuck.

There's no comic discount. The last club I went to, I forget where it was, where they said, so you get soft drinks for free and everything on the menu half off. And I was like, what about bottled water? And they said, no. You got to pay for water. soft drinks where was that

but I said to the guy right when he said it to me I said this will be the last time I perform here it was the first and last but he was like why do you say that I was like that's not man that's not like I have to pay

for water and he goes well I have to pay for it I said yeah but you know you're the only club in the country that makes people pay for water and he was like that can't be true I'm like that is so fucking true there's a there's every refrigerator filled with water when you walk into a room but dude was stood fast to it soft drinks

half off the media it was crazy he wouldn't even like not even a drink if i was if i was like can i get a shot saturday night late i was going to do a shot with the crowd charged me for it was fucking crazy but i never i can't like you know here's the thing when i go to on a gig the hotel you put me up in tells me a lot about how you want our relationship to be. You know what I mean? That very first time you go, if they didn't spend the 20 extra dollars that I know it would cost to put me in just a one step up, so that's an extra $60, three nights, if they don't want to spend that, then that tells me something about, okay. Yeah. You know how you're perceived by how you're being treated. And this is how we're starting

the relationship. You know what I mean? Yeah. And so a lot of times I'm like, okay. And that also judges that tells me down the road like you sometimes you have club owners sometimes you have club owners ask you for favors and there's some guys I'll do anything for them and there's some guys that no yeah

because right off the bat they told you what they think of you you know what I mean yeah I'm sure that happens in your you got a relationship right in your when you first got yes dear yeah people treated you a lot different than what they treat you now yeah oh yeah sure now they look at you and go yeah

should have been nice to him when he was on yesterday. Yeah, but I also came up. Like, I started as, you know, the lowest getting scripts and lunches and all that stuff. So for the most part, people were nice to me. So as soon as I, you know, when I got the opportunity to be nice, you got to. Was there ever a set you were on when you were at that spot where you were, that, that person ran a set where you were like, that's how I'm going to run a set? I mean, I think I tried to take the best things from different people because you see things, because nobody's perfect. And somebody come work for me and go, okay, well, I'm going to do that, but I'm not going to do that.

As you work for people running shows, that's how you kind of do it. It's not like just good and bad. You just collect. You see what's working and what's not working. And then you kind of adapt all that, I think. Why do you think then some people make their sets so tense? I don't know. It's so crazy to me.

Because you can walk onto a set and then people are just, they're not happy to be there. I guess if they're, you know, a lot of times people get behind on these sets. You know, they get behind and now it's super stressful and you don't. know if you're gonna have something next week and blah blah and i can't i cannot ever let myself get anywhere near being behind or i'll feel that anxiety then so i'm like no i got i got to i got to stay ahead of this and then i think it's it from there you can be more relaxed i think a lot of it sometimes is that well you're dude you're up you're know you're up at like four or five in the morning sometimes right yeah sometimes i like to get an early start yeah yeah like you you you i remember i asked

you because you don't live necessarily close to your office and i was like how's traffic is And you're like, I don't know, I'm in my car at 4 a.m. I'm like, what? You get there pretty quick. In there, 4A, just to write. But you're there six hours before anybody else. Yeah, on those single camera shows, I did that because then I could look at what they did the day earlier in the writer's room. And I can read through it and put notes and whatever else and then give it back to them when they come in and then I can go to set.

Because you can't be in two places at one time. And a lot of times somebody's running a show, they want to be in the room and they want to be on the floor watching, you know, the acting. everything making sure that's getting getting done the way they wanted to and then people in the room are just waiting and so then that's when you get these terrible hours so I would just get up early and go back and forth that is it so because in writer's room sometimes you're waiting for the you know whoever you are yeah unless you have instructions yeah yeah yeah yeah but if you're waiting for notes sometimes it's like you can just be sitting in front of your at your desk just waiting for hour yeah yeah so you get up early do the work and so every because you want to get everybody

But again, though, dude, not keeping people there for 16 hours if you don't have to, makes people happier to show up to fucking set. You know what I mean? Yeah, and also, like, I noticed, like, some writing rooms you go in there and you don't know what you're doing all day long, so you just fuck around because you don't know. You're going to be here until 2 in the morning anyway. You know it. And whereas otherwise, if you just give them instructions at the beginning of the day,

they're like, all right, as soon as we get this done, we're home. So then they see an end and, you know, and they have better hours because they get out of there. They don't stand around while people tell stories for, like, you know, four hours or anything. like that. They're like, all right, let's get going. Let's get going. There's not as much gambling with dice in the corner or whatever else. Now, what do you do now? So now you sit, you wait to see if you get picked up. Do you do any writing at all? What do you have? I'll probably proactively be starting to think about season three of the guest book, just hoping that, you know, something comes of it. And the good thing about that show is every episode is different. So even if I come up with

like three or four stories for season three and they don't do it, I could use those stories someplace else because they're just you know they're just random standalone stories how many stories did you write for this season uh 10 did 10 scripts well like how but how many did you have oh how many did how how big is your catalog oh from from the stories that uh i left in guest books only three of them uh this season are in season two and then the rest of them i just sit down and come up with do you like it more writing these that are standalone episodes but they also have through lines They do a little bit. They have through lines.

They have through lines. You watch the whole thing. Yeah, they have through lines. So do you prefer that or do you like writing the show like Earl that kind of had definitely had a through line? I like right now I like this one. I like this one, because just the fact that you can do absolutely anything from one episode to the next episode. Yeah. You know.

And then they're all written too. And you can be shooting them and you're thinking like, okay, like we got to this one episode. Joey was in, Joey's in two episodes. And the first one he was in, I didn't know he was going to be in the one later. And then I was writing that part, and then I gave him a little backstory so it would make sense. Let me answer this. What are we going to do? Because I'll put up 500.

Yeah. But we got to figure out a way to let people guess what I did. Here's going to be the problem with this. They aired it as a sneak peek last night. They showed me already doing it? Yeah. Yeah. So they showed it.

The real premiere is next Tuesday on the 23rd, but they did show something after baseball, like way after baseball. after the post game they put it on nobody said none i saw like one thing on twitter they somebody had a frozen screen oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i yeah i yeah i don't even think it's like really a spoiler to say what you're doing no no no because nobody all right all right all right i'm proud of my work yeah you should be proud of your work how many how many takes i don't know we just laughed three more than i wanted we just laughed oh my god we had a blast just laugh I love you know I did a movie

with I did an all-star movie about that Howard Hughes guy flies whatever yeah and it had like Alex Baldwin and everyone else did it and I gotta tell you something that was the most uncomfortable set

really just tense it was just too much too much like once you have too many stars in the movie see what the name of the movie is do you see this line up What was your first one? Basketball? Yeah.

I remember when you booked that. And I had no idea what I was doing. Yeah, I remember when you booked that, but they were so big at the time. They were just blown up with South Bar. Who else was in that? Alec Baldwin? Yeah, Alex Baldwin.

Just looking at the IMD Joe Diaz. Hey, Greg, you got in your water. It didn't show for me. When you booked that first movie, did you have time to enjoy it and be excited about it, or did you get nervous right away? Craig Garcia. I didn't know what I was doing.

Yeah. You have no idea not to know what you're doing. Yeah. So was it instant anxiety? The first thing I booked was an industrial. I booked a movie in Colorado. That's still floating around. That one-win-a-a-war.

I hit a, I throw a guy in a trunk of a car. It was based off me. The girl knew me. Her father knew me. That's funny. So she wrote. Did you get a copy of it? No.

2015, 2016, fly away, something. And I went to, I told these guys that I came here to shoot a CBS pilot that started with six pages of dialogue. Yeah. And every time I would go to rehearse, I would lose another page

until I shot the pilot where I was basically a deaf mute. Because I had no idea what I was doing. Yeah. There was no formal acting. There was no... Just thrown right into the fire. Right into...

I took whatever in high school improv, my freshman year. That's it. I didn't know nothing. And then I didn't know about acting classes, 200 a month. I'm snorting Coke. I got no time for that. 200 a month. And then I booked basketball.

I went to NYPD Blue for a guest star audition. There's a Coke dealer, nine-page. And I remember they stopped me after three and they were like, that's great. Thank you for coming in. Yeah. But it was a Bosco building. So it was all, it's a mile walk in those days. In those days, if you read for NYP, you had to read the Bosco building all the way.

They must have hated Stephen Bosco. Look up Alec Baldwin. It's not on your thing. All right. Look up Alex Baldwin. Okay. And look up what movies he did in 2016, whatever. You had to be excited for him when to get that movies.

Oh, we were all really excited when you got that movie. It was $5,500 a week. Yeah. But they were because they were, that was right around also, right after that fucking VHS with Santa fighting Jesus. Do you remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was their VHS. And then South Park was like crushing it.

And they came out with that movie. And we were on like, oh, he's going to be a star. Yeah. I wanted for NYPD Blue. And as I was walking down in the hallway, as soon as I hit the end, Libbynibank. be Goldstein opened the door and it was such a coincidence that I had a shirt. Paris can wait? With string, no.

With strings on it. And she goes, are you here for the audition? Yeah. And she gave me something. She goes, you got two minutes. And I read it and I went back and read it. And I didn't think of it. And I was living in what's now the, when people come from other countries.

The hostel? The hostel. It used to be a $6 hotel on Schrader in the middle. I was staying there. And it was like the phone call from Rocky. Like, is there anybody in the building named Diaz, Joe Diaz? And I had to run down for the pay phone. And it was my manager.

And he's like, hey, man, you booked a basketball. It's three weeks, $5,500 a week. But you got to join SAG. 1250. Yeah. I'm like, who's got $1,250? And I call Danny Robinson. And I told him my dilemma.

He wasn't even my agent. Still doing it, by the way. And he called, yeah, he's got the hottest act in Hollywood. Yeah, yeah. Still doing it. Still doing it. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

How crazy is that? Good for him. He had, he called a production company and made him pay for the sag. And I went on there. I told this story a thousand times. I was pure fucking junked up. Yeah. So they had roller skates on the set.

And they had a truck full of roller skates. So I went to the truck one day And I saw a size 14 And I just took it And walked out like nothing Put it in my car And I stopped at Swiss chalet One of those hard one of those

And I walked in and I got these here for Christmas And the guy's looking at him There was no computers then There was no beep Yeah Yeah I was like I don't think we had them here Maybe he could have a but a little store

Let me look it up And the guy comes back and he goes I think they're like 289 Would you take cash? Yeah, why not? Yeah. So pretty soon I was going on this set every day and just stealing a pair of roller skis.

Yeah. Every day. The ones that they would give me to go. I would go get the bar. And go back to the same place? It's a different. There was a couple different ski show. I remember the day you told me the story

about getting Christmas presents at Target. Because before computers, he would pick up like a big blanket and, you know, something else. And then he would walk him up and bring it right to the day. return counter and be like I got those as a gift there you go and then that's how he'd buy the christmas presents way before the system came along yeah the one year I was broke I never forget

going into Toys R Us with nothing that's what I saw was with my daughter and I would just take like a 300 dollar stencil yeah and go up to the front and go I got this for Christmas and they would go you have a receipt no because from December 15th to Valentine's Day they'll honor everything yeah yeah it's gifts yeah that gifts we did definitely bought it here, you know. But I would do, I would get that Jeffrey money. I remember Christmas. I walked in there with no money and I walked out of there with a bike,

like a toy. Just returning things that never left the store. Well, it didn't affect them. I mean, they're doing great. She's like, Dad, you're a magician. I was doing it to so many people in 94, 5. Like, I used to hang out in front of a Kmart and wait for people to walk out for receipts to blow. Oh, that's right.

And I'll never forget one time I found the receipt for a $4 loan loan. Yeah. So I couldn't go back and then get it. So I drove to Longmont, Colorado to the Kmart there. Went right up with the, went to an assistant in the lawn department. Go, hey, where's this loan mower? And he goes, it's right there. And I went right over, and I called it over the thing.

And I go, my wife just got me this. I got one. Here's the receipt. I got one. And he gave me $400 plus tax, and I walked out of there. I was doing that everywhere. Yeah. It was like a little.

And then the first people to suspect me, I was doing it on the road. Yeah. I was doing it on triple runs. I would go to triple runs and steal a tent and then put it back and they'd give me $1.79 for the fucking tentless tax. Yeah. So I would bring him back tents. And I got a lot.

They finally caught. It's quite a side hustle. Yeah. They caught me in Idaho Falls. And how they catch you? They caught me because they caught me on the computer. Okay. They caught me after they gave me the cash.

They arrested me. They gave me a ticket. And then they let me loose and everyone back. So there's a war in Idaho Falls. All right. And I got a call this week to go to Blackfoot. Idaho. Idaho to do a movie.

And the guy goes, you're going to have to fly into Salt Lake. Then into Idaho Falls. And right there, the conversation ended. I go, listen, I got something on Monday. You're enough. How crazy is that? That is funny. That I was just a serial shoplifter that wouldn't even walk out of the store.

Yeah. You were a magician at a seven left. I would come to Josh's house and go, what are you doing today? He's like, I'm going out with some chicks. We're going to get an A ball. What do I need? 100.

I'll be back in an hour. And I would shoot to the mall in Boulder. And there was a, there was a May DNF. Remember May DNA? They had $300. And then something happened that really,

fuck, and I started making big money, espresso machines. Once the espresso machine came out with a combination, cappuccino, they were 400. I was doing two, three a day. And you know, you just walk right in, grab it,

go right to the register. So today I would go to Extensary City. Wednesday, I would go to Woodland Hills. Thursday, I would even, like, I would even get fucking crazy. Let's go to San Diego. We eat a steak on the way back

and get a whole tunnel room. Like, I would just go down anywhere they had. Now you'd need to your roll of those stickers that they hit you with when you come in. You'd be walking around with one of those in a holster. Just walking around the whole store. That's because of me. I got so good

I never forget One day I made $1,700 And I got so high on weed And I walked into the comedy works This was while I was a comic in the beginning But not getting spots I paid to see somebody And I never forget

I was so high that I took the money out And put it on the counter and paid the guy And I sat down I left $1,700 on the counter And I came back and I left my money And I know you didn't And I'm like, you motherfuckers robbed me But it was like nothing

I'm like, I'll go get another 17-not tomorrow. And I woke up the next day and stole four coffee machines. It was crazy, Greg Garcia. It got to the point where I would get coked up at night and I was making notes. I was going to contact all these companies and explain to them how I could do security for them, like on six. Like, I wanted to be on 60 minutes.

They would have put you to jail. But that's the thing. I would have broken their system. Everybody wants to know how you break their system. If I come to you and say, Josh Wolf, I come in peace. Yeah. I robbed $11 million from you.

last year. You're like, no, you didn't. Let me give me the proof. And I say to you, this is how I robbed it, and this is how other people are robbing you. You're going to be interested in what I got to say to you. Don't you think they'd call the cops? No. No?

No, not if you're going to stop the road. I'm good. No, you need a water. I just want to clarify if I want to clarify by one thing, isn't every one of the companies you stole from now bankrupt and gone? That's what happened. We just found.

Yeah. Sears is the only one I never did. Oh, no, don't. Yeah, you didn't steal. When I was on bail for kidnapping, Sears would put their CDs right by the door. Yeah. When I was a kid, there was a Sears in North Bergen,

there was also a Sears in Richford Park, and they had car stereos that they were put by the door. If there was 100 car stereos, I swear to my mother's grave, I stole 9.8 of. Every day, I walked out of there with a car stereo. So I'm on a hot on bail. for kidnapping. And the hottest album is that Bruce Springsteen

4 CD kit with him with the guitar. 87, maybe 80, I don't know what year. I don't even know. Dog, I was stealing those every day. They were 4995, but the CD store in time will give me $25. I was going in, I'm out on kidnapping. Bail for kidnapping.

And I'm going in there every day, putting stocking all the CDs together. And at one point, I would just pick up a stack of CDs and walk out of the Kmart. Sears and go to my car and go up on the hill and sell the fucking CDs and I get 150 for the day. That's enough of me in those days. And one day, fucking I set it up and I'm walking out of there and I hear, hey, you, stop. And it's the skinny black security guard and they got a cart.

And I start running and I'm throwing CDs at the guy. And he's ducked. They got a cart. And in those days, I could run. I was still not heavy. I had to be 27, 28. I'm out on bail. And I'm dodging them, dog.

I'm dodging them. I'm fucking jumping over trees. I'm like, O.J. And every two minutes, I throw another CD out of him and shit. Boo. I must have 20 CDs. Yeah. So they got me for finally a cop car.

Pulled over and I'm like, I'm fucked. And they asked me what my name was and I lied completely. Like, I would get out of the car and go rob, but I would leave my license and everything in the car. I would never go in there with ID so I could be whoever. All right. By the way, good note. Who do you think of deal with something?

This is a long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never had an idea. Even if I had an idea, I didn't have a night day. By the way, I knew you've worked up a little jails. For years. Yeah, I know your business, but my name is. Don't worry about it.

So they took me to jail, and I went under the impression. I told them I was somebody else. This is the funniest guest book ever. I walk into the jail. I had just been in there for a month and a half. You know how I am. Yeah. I had the place.

I was running the Kool-Aid's cam. So I walk into the county jail. Everybody was like, Joey, oh shit, it's party time. Now, the card had, I can't tell you the alias I use. Let's just say I use the alias Josh Wolf. The fingerprint card had Josh Wolf on it. No, it had Josh Wolf on it. And the cop was still calling me Joey.

So Joey, how are you busy? And I'm like, when is this cop going to look up and see that? I'm using a different name. They fucking fingerprinted me, which is no good because NCIC will give them the report in a few days. But it wasn't now. Yeah. Like now I fingerprint you in two seconds. You come up.

In those days, they had to send that off. And depending on what crime you did, it could take 30 days. Yeah. So I never forget, I gave them the fingerprints. They put me in the cell. now I had to get out. You got to produce an ID. I go, I lost my ID.

My ID got someone. Well, somebody has to come in here and say who you are. So I called my girlfriend at the time. And I'm like, hey, it's Josh Wolf. And she's like, what are you talking about? It's Josh Wolf. I'm in Boulder County Jail. But I wouldn't even let her say, Joey, what are you talking?

It's Josh Wolf. I took down a date a couple nights ago. You're in Boulder County Jail. Come down here and identify me and I can get out. And she came down and they bought the whole story. and they let me out as Josh Wolf and me being the loyal guy that I am, I went to court

as Josh Wolf? He was a dear friend of mine. The name I gave, he's a dear friend of him. I grew up with him. So I went to court, did the volunteer work, paid the fine. As somebody else. And I went on probation for six months and somebody else.

I go back home and I bump into him and we're talking at dinner. and he goes that ever tell you somebody used my idea on color oh man that is that the volunteer service the volunteer I did was working at the age unit for some reason I go I want to do it the age unit and they made me go to the age unit in town downtown and painted but because at that time gay guys were getting with AIDS, we're so getting ridiculed. It was 87.

People were still throwing bottles out of him and shit. There was a cop there. This is a funny, this is how life works. We were having a conversation last night about God, two nights ago or something. And I said that I don't believe there is a God, but there's situations that lead you to the places where you've got to think back and go.

There might not be a God, but there's something. So every day I would go to paint a wall. There was a cop there with a holster. First couple days, he treated me like a criminal that I was. But after that, he started talking to me. And he noticed I had a heart, and he had a heart. And when I finished painting, after the 60 hours of community service, a guy turned to me one day, and he goes,

you ever have a problem in this town? You call me. He goes, I know you made a mistake, and he gave me his card. And I kept in touch with him. You know me, Doug. I'm relentless. I would call him once a week and say, what's up? Everything's good.

So when I went through my divorce, I started calling him. And I'm like, she's not giving me the kid. And he would calm me down and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And one day, I had two felonies. And my ex-wife's boyfriend called me a spic. And I go, I could either go to jail or let this guy keep calling me a spick. I go, you know what? I'm going to go to jail, have my friend to send me the fax machine,

and I write jokes for Jay Leno. This is where my head was in 1995. So I fucking smacked the guy at a safeway. and the cops came and who was the cop that came? The guy. And he came right to me and took my story first

and the other cop was like we got to put him away and the guy's like he ain't going nowhere. He called him a spick we're in the city limits of Boulder you can't use a racial slur in the city limits of Boulder to free smack to the mouth.

Free smack to the mouth because in 1988 the chick called J.J. Flanagan the N-word and he smacked her and he got away with it because it was instinct. So they didn't charge me, but that cop, that's why I say there's got to be something out there. Because that cop, the other guy's holding his face with an ice pack, usually a cop goes to him. Yeah?

He came right to me. And I told him, I go, this is the motherfucker with me for the last two years. And I couldn't take him no more. He got what he got. And I even put my hands on, he goes, relax. You ain't going nowhere. And the other guy was like a white cop. But he listened to the story.

Oh, he struck him. He was like, my boy's not going nowhere. And then when they sent people to break my ribs that time, and they came there. Oh, yeah? They hit my dog with the two-by-four. I got the one guy, and I hit him. That's the cop I called.

I got a guy here with a broken rib cage, and fuck, and I just took my foot in his mouth. What do you want me to do with him? He was, I'll be there in 10 minutes. Yeah. And he came over, and we took a shrapher, like paint wrap. for the floor we put him in the trunk of a police car and there was no cameras in those days we threw him out by the ambulance in boulder that cop was solid dog i still remember his name he was

solid like a good friend solid solid yeah didn't ask no question at home the truth i go i was watching the spian a football game and i let my dog out because in those days out of remote control we just opened the garage the dog will go outside and i heard them hit the dog i came down and two guys jumped me And I grabbed one of them and kicked them and hit him with the 2x4. And then I kicked him in the mouth and I could hear his teeth crack. And it was tremendous. So I couldn't dial 9-1-1. I'd just been out probation.

Yeah? So I called him like a man. I go, Durf, these guys jumped me, handle it. He goes, I'll be right over there. And he came over and he kicked the guy in the stomach. We booked them up. We put him in the trunk. We left it open.

And we just drove him to the ambulance and dropped him off in the back of emergency. So they wouldn't even see him. He goes, don't have a saying. for anybody and that was it he's probably dead now he was an old man but my secret died with him until right now

until now but who the fuck cares all those people are dead and gone Greg Garcia you did it again another masterful fucking TV show premiere's next Tuesday next Tuesday we got you in the first one me in the first one on the 23rd and then a week later on the 30

two weeks later you'll be in the fourth one yeah Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So on the 30th, my Netflix special comes out. Okay. So then we got shit going on for a few weeks, and you just got a special you released. The specials on my website, comedianjashwulf.com.

It's called Father of the Year. It's $5. Five dollars. Five hours. That's it. Nobody knows nothing. Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, five hours.

Nobody gets their feelings. No. You spent five hours on the fucking subway and now get the sandwich. Yeah. You still got $15 from your husband for lunch. Exactly. Dog, you used to drive. Good to go.

I like breaking it up. I see how Maddie gets. He would talk about it constantly. And like I would ask him for 20 bucks. Like I would say, can I get a 20? And he would look at me like, really? Like 20 was, you couldn't even say the number 20 around. You could say 19, 48.

You know, who won the lot of last night, 64? She because. 33, 20, 20. Let me tell you about fucking 20. It was because. I just remembered the joke. You know what the joke was? Was it the one where, because she called me a Jew?

Remember, she was like, it's $20 a day, you Jew? She called me a Jew because I was saying $20 a day is not a big deal, but at the end of that's 30 days in a month, that's $600. $600 is a big deal. $20 is not a big deal. And she was like, you just count that much because you're a Jew. And I was like, you think I count because I'm a Jew? And she goes, yeah.

I go, well, you're Asian. You want me to say it so you'll understand. She said, yeah, I said that. You are spending too much of money. You're no spending no more. I don't know how this relationship didn't work. Yeah. She hated that joke.

You are spending too much money. No spending no more. If I tell you some, she's the reason I don't eat Thai food. Yeah? Because she would never wash the dishes and there was always flies. She hated washing dishes, Doug. Yeah. If that bitch had a wash a dish, it would kill her.

And they would kill Josh Wool. Every time you saw Josh, he was washing dishes. Yeah. Because Josh wouldn't take it no more. They would be... How long did this last? Yeah. Man.

Well... 20 fucking years. Yeah. It was 20 years of abuse. No. It was 20. How old is Jakey? Yeah, but...

How old is Jakey? 21. So it was 18 years of abuse. I remember when you got your first deal, she sent you a note that she wanted to escalate. Yeah, she wanted something. Like she wanted like a $30,000 car. Josh was like, I got to tell you something.

I was, I was Malia doing. He goes, don't even mention that name. She called me. She said, she'll leave me alone. But she wanted a new car. Yeah, she wanted like a fucking $30,000 car. She was. Like it never stopped.

But you know what? I mean, you had to laugh. You had to laugh. You had to laugh. You had to laugh. You had to laugh. But she was funny. God, she was funny.

But, like, also, a little bananas, you know? That bitch could sing like Mariah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she could definitely sing. She could sing. She could sing.

She had funny, she said funny shit. And when she got drunk, she didn't look Asian. Just her eyes looked a little Asian. That's it. But everything else wasn't Asian about it. Yeah.

But there was something about, that just made you fucking too she didn't give a shit did not give a shit got him and you angled it up you were the you were yeah you were the TV screen TV screen it's gonna bounce off to Josh as soon as you see the little chairs swerving yeah you know it's coming for you you let it happen I wasn't looking at your chair I wasn't looking at the last second someone who has to work for OSHA you have no situational awareness You got to have your head on a swivel over there, man.

And on a swivel, man. He's only six inches away from you. Oh, dog. He stopped doing this for a while. I don't know why he's back to. I'm a professional, especially, like I told you, I got on a plane, I look around. I see everybody with earphones. It's every man from south.

I'm on a plane tonight. This time's, this time's how far, and I can hear it with the explosion on the chair. And I know the guy next to me has to, like, get the vibration. Oh, it's like turbulence. turbulence and shit. I can't wait until I sit next to you next time. I'm going to fart. You're not ever sitting next to me.

I don't want you next to me. You're in the back of the dungeon. I love getting upgraded to first class and I just sit there in one A and as people walk by, I look at them, I go, get to the dungeon. And they look at me like, what the fuck is he talking about? Get to the dungeon. I see all these LA people with like, they always have extra, like to make themselves be special. Yeah.

And I always think to myself, where the fuck are they sitting? And if I see it. and I sit in first class, I torch him with all their tattoos and bracelets. Get in the dungeon. They just look at me and shake their head, boy. Get in the dungeon. Dog, I upgrade on everything except New York or Chicago. I got an upgrade tonight.

Yeah, I live in upgrade. So I live in first class, and I tell the guy next to me, I ask him nicely. Can I get the aisle? If he's a nice guy, I'll let him live. If he's a fucking scumbag, I ask for fucking something milky. I'm lactose tolerant. What comes out of my ass is pure tear gas. Oh, yeah.

What are you asking for? Last something, milky. No, like, how do you determine if he's a good guy? Like to say, can you switch with me? Yeah. Oh, if you're in the window. Yeah. Because I don't like the window.

It gives me anxiety, so you're going to get fucking bombarded anyway. See, I love the window. I like to be. I don't want to be in sight because I get anxiety and then I got to pee more. Then the guy next to me fucking falls asleep, and I got to break his balls off fucking night. So I tell him that. I say, listen, if you don't want to switch on me,

you're going to have a hard. time because I'm gonna get up 15 fucking times from anxiety to pee and then if they say no okay I'm gonna open up this asshole and I'll get something on the menu that's got some milk in it and I'll just open up a can of whip ass at them every time they smell it what a threat I'm gonna open up this ass all listen to me their whole body shakes crazy threat when you find is it only switch seats with you midplay like okay okay I'll do it I've had you You got it, Elspinjee. I had about six months ago, I had the old lady next to me that was catching, like, horror.

I went to, like, Texas or something. She was catching. And the problem is you don't shit that morning and you get on a plane. So the last two hours of the flight, it's those death shit, those death farts that come out before you shit, that last couple of, that they're real close to your asshole. This poor lady asked her husband if she could switch. Oh, no. She had eaten like three of them. Oh, no.

And she was, the best is when I wake people up. Yeah. With a fart. That is what I know. You know what the best is? The best is when their makeup looks worse when they get off the plane. You're like, what the fuck? You know what I mean?

Because their face has been scrunched up the whole time. And they get that pillow like you smacked in their face. Josh, well, I have woken up. I've heard people go, like in their sleep. Like, you do. Just choking on it. Especially in Mint, because they have to wear goggles. There was a lady who was, I stood up to fart.

Yeah. They're going to kick you up a plane. Not this last trip to Fort Lauderdale, the one back from Boston. Yeah. If you've been on Mint, so I had the solo booth. Oh, the two or four. I go solo. Yeah, you got to.

Two or four or six. I went, and I was blasting so many. in the tube that I couldn't take it like I was in a cubicle by myself the farts were going low to the floor so every time like I bent over to get an iPod or something I could smell it it was just the root of the asshole like six inches so I opened up the door let it out and there's this lady sleeping next to me and I can see her she's four hours up they give you those things to put on your eyes you know that right yeah give you a gift pack

I'm mint tremendous. Toothbrush, the whole thing. She's playing the game. She's deep asleep with the gondolas. And all of a sudden, when I got up, I turned, I make believe I'm doing, I'm getting something out of my overhead compartment. Yeah. But I'm also doing toe raises because I don't want, I'm a fat dude. I don't want to get blood clots.

So when I'm doing all that, a fart just slips out. And I'm making believe, not like I don't want to bring it back into the cubicle. Yeah. So I'm standing in the hallway. crooked in my cubicle, make him believe I'm pulling something out. And all of a sudden, nice, I see it. And she swatted her nose like it's a fly, right? Like, it started off with, like, this just must be a fly.

She was deep in sleep. And finally, dog, she actually, like, popped up. Like, the whole fart got her. It hit, like, something. It was like the exorcist. She took a deep breath of this fart, and her whole body stiffened up. And she took the goggles off and popped. up and looked around and I was like you smell it too yeah that is terrible I go I had to get up I

think it's him and I sat back down this poor lady sat there for an hour figuring it out but the all-time best I had to be 13 and I took the number one bus from Jersey City to north from North Bergen to the high school but that bus originates in Jersey City outside the methadone clinic when we were kids people would take the number one bus to Jersey City get to methadone, drink it, then get back on the bus. And we were sitting towards the back facing him. You know those chairs where you don't face the front? You face each other.

Three people could sit in that one. Well, I was faced right opposite him. And I had been farting all morning. It's 8 in the morning. He's on heroin. His head is down. He's got drool from his lip to the newspapers reading the daily news. And he just passed out in the heroin.

And I fucking took my hips and I pulled them up. like I'm telling him. He was like four feet away, and that's when I was addicted to Steakums. Steakums every night for dinner, two Steakams with American cheese and a ride of French fries, because Steakams is just somebody's meat. It's just somebody's leg. Yeah. Like when you see an accident on a 405 and somebody loses a leg, the EFT calls fucking Steakums.

Steakums, they get a couple of offices. Arby's? No. The meat in the can. Spam. Spam. They all got a call. call this and I got a black leg.

It's fresh. You wait about 600. So you got like fucking 20 cans of spam. I'm calling White Castle next. So get back to me. You know what I'm saying? They call spam, White Castle, and like Wendy's. And they go, we got this dead leg where do we send it to? And stake

them. So dog, I blasted one of those Stakem farts. I remember like positioning my hips and laying back in the seat and it hit the chair and you can hear it just go and it just went right to his nose and he was passed out and I remember he just went like he just opened his eyes and he went like this and he was like what in the world it's like an adrenaline shot

yeah exactly Greg Garcia you did it again my brother congrats this is your what your 19th year in television uh in a row 25 I think Jesus Christ crazy yeah did you ever think that this would be this way no uh no I had no idea and uh yeah and and Then when I started working, you know, you don't know how long you're going to work either. So now you just consider yourself lucky every day. We've all been here 20 years. It's fucking. It's crazy.

It's really fucking crazy, man. Absolutely insane. I can't believe it. Like, I still cannot believe it. I look at that comedy store lineup that you sent to me every now and then. I don't send it to you. You sent it to me. Darren Carter puts it out.

Darren Carter's got that one out. Me, you, Dave Chappelle closing. Silly McCullough is on that? Salim McCullough, this, it's just, I sit there and people have no idea that I came to this time, like, on a whim. Like, let's just see what happens. Yeah. Let's just see what happens. I got into the comedy store, and I just never left.

I was like a bug on the wall. It's so crazy. Now you're in it. Yeah. You're in it. Yeah. I think all of us just came. I was just like, we didn't know anybody.

Like, let's just give this a try. You ever have a conversation with something in your last 20 years that you left and said, I can't believe I was just talking to that person. All the time. Like, I can't believe. Yeah. I was just talking to that person. Like, I just saw him on, like, this still happens to me.

Me too. Yeah. Especially if it's somebody you watched growing up. Yeah. It's just crazy. I'm buddies with the guy. Did you watch those HR puff and stuff and Land of the Lost and those things, and Marty Croft?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a dude that I've become buddies with Marty Croft. It's just amazing to me. I just watched those shows nonstop when I was a kid. H-R. Puffin' stuff. Yeah.

But you also, like, didn't you get a smoking in the bandit car? I did. Yeah. Got a smoking in the bandit car. And I got it signed by Burt Reynolds. Yeah. And then the car wash guy washed it off. Oh, yeah.

That's how you were telling us. That's right. When the Burt Reynolds died, that's right. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Got scrubbed up. And he was going to re-sign it in October.

Yeah. You know what? Like he went, when he died, I went back and looked at all the movies he made. He was, in the 70s was a fucking the dude. Oh, yeah. But in like a true movie star, movie star, movie star. Like, you know, like, I don't know that they have movie stars like he was now. It was, do you know what I mean?

Like, everybody's so accessible now. The difference between the stars then and the stars. now is that they and that Nicholson never made himself super accessible they removed themselves from the regular people do you know what I mean it's crazy which gave them some like mystery there's no mystery to anybody

and I'm not here to put anybody down but like when the guy won the Oscar for the hurt blocker 30 years ago that guy wouldn't be invited to a room Steve McQueen would have punched the fuck out of him it's just the way it is you know yeah Steve McQueen and Bronson would have knocked the fuck out of Matt

Damon and his little buddy. They would have ripped his wig off and told him don't come back to his fucking studio ever again. Like it's, these guys were different. Like when you you were around Bert Reynolds, there was something about him that, you know, we were telling the story

I think here, when we, Bert Reynolds wanted to shoot something. And if he watched the longest yard, there's one scene where he tackles me and I actually go down. Yeah. I remember going down going, this guy could still fuck somebody up. Yeah.

Like, don't get correct. He still has two good punches in. Yeah. Like if he watched The Longest Yard now, the original, they cut it out. But he smacks that bitch in the opening of the movie. He gets in the car. It's Saturday Night, whatever, by Leonard Skinner. He was truly a man of the 70s.

Yeah, I do. And those stars do not exist today. No. The guy that does the movies with whatever that is not. Deadpool, what all that. Brian Reynolds. That's not. That's not what I'm talking about.

him out. Those guys wouldn't even, they would get beat up. They would actually get beat up. Yeah, they were, it was a different type of style. It was a different type of star. Yeah, absolutely. You know, it's funny when I told you that the one day, Steve, uh, he told me a story that Steve McQueen called or Kleeneese would call Bert Reynolds and said, get your motorcycle. That director died. We're going to drive out to Vegas and piss in his grave because they fired Clint Eastwood. The Clint Eastwood goes, it doesn't really matter. When you die, I'm going to piss on your fucking gray you know all those type of it's a different Hollywood yeah it's a different Hollywood you know when they booked the magnificent seven the star was you'll Brenner and all those

guys got together that are in that movie and said he's not going to come from something else some foreigner is not going to come here and steal a movie from us so they fucked with them at that foremosta cafe George C Scott McQueen Charles Brunso would call him up all night and send them room service at the hotel so he wouldn't sleep all night it's a different type of fucking animal yeah you know now everybody's fake they got to be buddy buddy you got to be politically correct you really can't say it's on your mind so these guys don't i wouldn't what's the other one you went to see not Deadpool but the bug and all that those guys aren't stars what bug ain't man i got to know what that was they just they just act maybe it's amen i don't know i didn't see amen in what we judge good acting today

gets eaten alive what I grew up on. That scene that I showed you, that's real acting. That was fucking great. That really made me want to watch that movie. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Until you said five hours. That's for four hours. Sergio learned that once upon a time in America

when they played noodles. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All those people, the Jews, taking over, and then Mario Lanski. That's a five-hour fucking movie. Once upon a time in America, it's four hours and 46. You didn't tell those people to cut your movie down in those days.

It's like, cut it down. What? Get the fuck out of here before I smack you. You know, it was a different savage then. You know, that's why they didn't want Marlon Brando for the Godfather. After what he did to them on Mutiny on the Bounty, they just sent Marlon Brando down there, and he picks somebody. He's like, hey, you come here. You ever direct before?

No, you're directing. Yeah. I'm going to go fuck this Hawaiian up the ass for the next two, 20 years. And that's what he did. Yeah. And they wouldn't they like we gave you millions to shoot a fucking movie and you put a Hawaiian to shoot the movie and you go fuck some other chick and then he bought the island They don't have that no more now They have to act it out to be that

Yeah, there's two there's two I think there's too much stuff to be that crazy You know when it was like you know it was like not a lot of things you could also hide it a little bit Yeah, it's harder to hide crazy now It's really hard to hide crazy because everybody's got a fucking where are you going to be crazy everybody's got a camera all the time all the time

way more accountable yeah where are you going to be crazy uh those days a long fucking yeah yeah yeah I mean I do know some

people who have parties now who make you leave your phone of the door that's how you know it's going to be a good party yeah if they don't ask for my phone I just turn around leave

you get invited the parties with people ask you no somebody asked me and leave my phone at the door. I told him to go fuck themselves. Yeah. I can go fuck you and your mother.

I'm giving you my fucking phone. Fuck you. Fuck you. Yeah. Responsibilities, bitch. I'm saying? I got responsibilities. They got some hoes out there making money and shit.

Greg Garcia, always a pleasure. Josh Wool. Always a pleasure. Always a pleasure. They can find your new CD. Comedianjashwulf.com. It's called Father of the Year. And you on TBS, the 23rd, the premiere.

Yes. With Uncle Joey. With Uncle Joey. I will remind you people next. Tuesday, next Monday to watch it. And that's it and that's that. We had a great week. I love you, motherfuckers. I want to thank Greg Garcia, who has

a fucking Twitter page and who gives away more money than fucking you know, this guy gives away more money than the fucking Kardashians. If you're not following him, you're fucking up. The other day, he had people fucking gambling giving three numbers like he's Cuban. I'm running the numbers.

He was running fucking numbers. I'm like, my whole page was Sunday. It was coming 4, 4, 7, 834. 844. And I retweet it because I love it. Make some money with Greg Garcia. I saw that, yeah.

I love it. And then I laugh because you get every single guess as well. And then I got to go through all that shit. It's crazy. I love it. Jim Joey retweets it. Forget about it. That's my Sunday night.

I love it. I'm flipping through. Do you, it's the first person to say the number? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got to be a tie. It's got to go to the first person. So then I go through it. I got to figure out.

Sometimes I just put out there like, I think this is the winner. Somebody speak up if it's not. And they're like, no, look at this. I had it earlier. I'm like, all right, you're the new winner. I only retweet funny jokes and when Greg Garcia's giving away money. Somebody's giving away money, I retweet those motherfuckers. If one of my friends can make a dollar bill, I'm here for you. Why not?

Why not? Yeah. You buy them, I smash him. I love you guys. Have a great week. All right, I want to thank my main man, Josh Wolf, always a pleasure. I can't believe I know him 20 years. I want to thank Greg Garcia for stopping by.

But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for listening for giving us an app. Before you go, let me talk to you about something. Listen, watching the games, the baseball players, football, the UFC, it's fun. But it's a lot more entertaining when you've got some action on the games. I'm not encouraging you to bet. What I'm saying is talking about making money by doing it correctly. You guys heard me talking about this for weeks, and now it's time you're fucking sit on the bowl, okay? Whether you're an expert or a rookie, you should be betting at my book. You're like, why, Joey? If you're the kind of guy I like to bet a little and win a lot, like playing numbers on a roulette, you create a big ballet. You pick three teams, three moves,

and if you hit all three of them, you can turn 100 into 600. There's so much to bet on, playoff, baseball, hockey, fights, college football, football, Jesus Christ. But my bookie's the one you bet. I know you'll be happy with, all right? I recommend these guys because I trust them.

My bookie has been in business for years. They've got great online reviews, and their mobile site is easy to use. So listen, stop sitting there like a mook. The holidays are two months away. You got Thanksgiving. You want to show up with a turkey or you want to eat fucking a tofu turkey. That's up to you.

My bookie will match your first deposit dollar. Dollar for dollar, but you got to join today right now because they're pulling that offer. Log into my bookie right now and W. Getus. Use promo code church, C-H-U-R-C-H, and you'll get your first deposit matched 100%. My bookie, you play, you win, you get paid. You understand it? And at the end of the day, that's the most important thing.

Let me ask you a question. You know, it's not smart. Job sites will overwhelm you with tons of the wrong resumes. But you know what is smart? You guessed it. ZipRecruiter. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church. Unlike other job sites, ZipRecruiter doesn't wait for candidates to find you.

ZipRecruiter finds them. It's a powerful matching technology that scans thousands of resumes, identifies people with right skills, education and experience for your job and actively invites them to apply. So you get the best candidates available, qualified and fast. No more sorting through wrong resumes, no more waiting on the right candidates to apply. It's no one the zip recruiters rated number one by employers in the U.S.

and that rating comes from hiring sites on trust Pellat with over 1,000 reviews. And right now, the church family, whether you've got a big business or a small business or a medium business, right now you can try ZipRecruiter for free. Joey, what do you mean? I'm telling you you can try it for free by going to this exclusive address. ZipRecruiter.com slash church.

That's ZipRecruiter.com slash church. Church, C-H-U-R-C-H, ZipRecruiter.com slash church. No more waiting and scanning for these bums. You want the right candidate? ZipRecruiter is the way to go. Again, free. ZipRecruiter.com slash church. And let us not forget about investments.

Robin Hood is the investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFS, options, cryptos, or commission free. Simple and intuitive, clear design with the data presented and an easy way to digest, okay? Listen, my wife goes on there. She loves Robin Hood. I don't know what she's been doing lately, but she loves it. It's easy to understand charts and market data, place the trade in just four taps on your smartphone.

It's that easy. The Robin Hood Web platform also lets you view stock collections. 100 most popular sectors like entertainment and social media and curated categories like female CEOs. And analyst ratings of buy, hold, and sell for every stock. Listen, you learn by doing it. You learn how to invest as you build your portfolio. You discover new stocks and track favorite companies. with a personalized nude feed.

What I'm going to do is this. Robin Hood is giving the church, the family, us, a free stock like Apple Ford Sprint to help build your portfolio. Who does that for you? Nobody. Uncle Joey does that for you. Sign up at church.robinhood.com. You've been thinking about it for a long time.

It's time you pulled the trigger. And Robin Hood is going to give the church a free stock like Apple Ford or Sprint to help build your portfolio. Sign up at church. dot robin hood.com. That's church.com. That's church.com. Listen, I want to thank Josh Wolf. I want to thank Greg Garcia.

I want to thank Michael Bisbing and Louis J. Gomez. I want to thank the fucking Christ killer. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for being part of the church family. Do not forget. I want to also give a special shout out to Roots of Fight. They always send me great stuff. Do not forget

next Thursday, bitches. Straight up. Motherfucking hilarity. He's in Cleveland. Then 11-8, Kate Quigley and myself invade the New York City Comedy Festival at Gotham. Tickets are cheap, Thursday night, Friday night, two shows, Saturday night, two shows. So you got hilarities, 1125 through 10-27, 1027, which is October, and then you got New York Gotham. Who gives the fuck about New York Gotham? I'll see you motherfuckers at hilaritys in Cleveland, all right?

Have a great week. Have a great weekend. God bless you, motherfuckers. I love you. And I'll see you guys bright and early Tuesday morning. Oh, Monday morning. I'll see you guys. All right. Stay black. Have a great weekend. Uncle Joey loves you. Kick this fucking meal, Lee. Nice. And when I were waiting for the sunlight, you warm me. And when I feel like forever, if you feel like leave, you know you can go. Why don't you stay until tomorrow?

If you want to be free, what to do is say so. I warn you, and when you feel forever.