The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #628 - George Perez

Episode Date: October 22, 2018

George Perez, a comedian seen on Showtime and the host of the, "George Perez Stories" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.    Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 10/21/2018.  

Greetings from podcast, Phil. It's Monday, October something. I don't know what it is, 20-something. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by My Booky. Whether you're an expert or you're a rookie, you should be betting at my bookie. You pick a three-team parlay. All right, and if they hit all three, you could turn $100 into $600. And there's a lot of action going on right now.

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Fucking Thanksgiving's around the corner, break out the pilgrim suits. Here we go. A little heaven and hell for you motherfuckers. Here's a church of what's happening now. George Perez. The Christ Killer Uncle Joey Oh shit

Kick that Mulee It's got to be louder What's going on here? There you go The devil Lee, the devil A little Sunday night Monday morning chat With my main dog

George Perez We're going to Cleveland this weekend And I have a good time So I figured We get you in there I got a few questions for you And then you go do whatever The fuck you gotta go do you

I'm saying what's going on No, I'm just chilling my boy You know I just got back from Paramount I was hanging out my home with big sleeps and you know how I was waiting for today dog I'm excited you got a spot tonight somewhere now I'm gonna go hang out at the store after this they got some open mics I'm gonna try to get up you know you're doing the store a lot yeah I'm doing the store a lot he's got you as a regular or uh no right now I'm a development spot but I still grind I do all the open mics if other people are running shows I try to jump on Sam triply always puts me up red band always puts me up Rogan puts me up sometimes when he's there you know I'm just grinding it the journey that it is dog so it's called developmental spot yeah it's a development spot so right now like all the shows that are ran at the comedy store they put up two comedians

before the whole show we do five minutes each then the show starts that's pretty cool I noticed that they're doing they're giving people five like the like from 855 to 9 yeah real short all the door guys get spots too so it's cool it's amazing what you've done with comedy huh oh dog it's a trip Like, hey, homie, I was telling these fools, they're like, how do you know Joey? I was like, I met him at Pepper's 2002, 2003. It was somebody's room, dog. And you were out there, and it was just ridiculous crazy. It's been a crazy journey.

Fuck. I want to ask you something. I know you thought about you watched the news and stuff like this, you know. When this Kavanaugh started coming up, right, first we have the Me Too movement. Mm-hmm. Which it's, you know, empowering people, and it's pointing people that have done some fucking crazy shit, especially in Hollywood.

Yeah. But then you have this new movement, and I appreciate it all, you know, I'm a crazy fuck, but I'm not a me-to-a. You know what I'm saying? You get your dick sucked, whatever, but you don't need to meet two people or trick people, that's like that.

But then something happened a couple weeks ago with the Kavanaugh thing. Dominex felon, just like you. Yeah. We both made mistakes. We both did our time. We moved the fuck on. And guess what?

Little by little we're turning our life around. We're not fucking priests, but you're not involved in doing stupid shit. You take the energy that you, remember when you used to wake up 30 years ago? You were waking up thinking about how you were going to make $50. Straight up. Whether it was delivering a bag of Coke, burglarizing. Fake checks. We used to do the fake checks.

The gas cards back then. Yeah, it's crazy how somebody could pop up from 30 years ago and say, well, George Perez and Joey Diaz did this to me. Yeah, and so what do you want to do about it now? What do you want to talk about now? People change. Yeah. Do you believe that you change?

How old are you now, George? I'm 41. Were you a different? I'm way fucking different. Which when you and I and the family of the church. What would you? you like at 21 what was George's world fuck at 21 if I would have seen you on the street I just would have been like what's up homie where the fuck you from this is shotgun big bad orange game like

that was my high like like like when I got introduced to another male it always be like what's up home boy this is shotgun where you from puto like it was just like that what were you doing for it when you were 21 I was doing construction I was a cement mason I was finishing concrete I was making dog I was making a thousand a week rent was 700 a month I had my own fucking place I had my baby's mom I had I had girlfriends in every job site that I was at for like three months because sometimes we would rent hotels and fuck bitches at the bars so yeah dog no criminal when you were 21 oh yeah like you know I got I got caught

with the gun I got caught with the knife I got I already got a couple of graffiti charges and shit because I used to be a tagger before it was a gang Raced around on the freeways and shit. How old were you when you were tagging? 15, 14. And what do they do when they catch attacking? Fucking. They give you community service.

Like cleaning the walls. You got to clean all that shit to pay a fine. Then like if you get caught again, your parents get in trouble. It's, it was in. You know what I mean, dog? It was in. Were you a juvie? Did you ever go to juvie hall?

Nah, I went to juvie hall. but like my mom and dad my my dad was like fuck it leave him my mom was like hell no my mom watched bad boys the week before it was like they're not doing that to my son i could have hung dog you know what i mean but my mom was like nah but i do i was in the county like by 19 already you know i know what prison's like i can't imagine what juby's like oh like i never was in trouble homie the rules are different but i i've just seen documentaries and read a thousand books on it. Yeah.

Of people talking about Juvie, and it does not your chance. If you get, listen, if you get put in the system after your 21, there's a percentage of a chance of recidivism. When you get put in the system when you're 15, 14, you're pretty much done. Yeah.

Done. You're done. Four years with other kids just as crazy as you are. And these were kids that weren't shooters, nothing like that these are kids that would just smack a cop yeah don't give a fuck I grew up with kids that would smack a cop you know for all reason for just being cool as far to be cool as yeah like fuck this car you know like today you hear about these school shootings and stuff that the kids showed signs yeah you know

of fucking being a little whacked up when I was a kid let me tell you some I knew what motherfuckers to stay away from there was a couple kids I went to school with that dog that were just out of their minds you knew they were going to grow up to be murderers yeah but okay so how old are you is this the 70s or 80s this the 70s so like a dog like describe this for me because you're in fucking jersey or in new york jersey you're in jersey dog like are you walking by cubans

we're like what nationality like i've always wondered like is every project a different nationality gangs like okay the only time i was really ever around ganges and my mother had a dry cleaner in the Bronx. Oh. In the late 60s. The gang fucking thing was huge. Hell yeah.

In New York? In the Bronx, it was huge. And my mother's dry cleaner was on the Royal Javelin. Turf. Yeah. So my mom had to give a piece every week. They were cool with my moms. That's mandatory.

They were cool with my moms. There was no drama. The Royal Javins. I still remember that. insignia it was like a Chinese guy with a ponytail on their backs and they had they were bikers without the motorcycles you know what I'm saying like they wore like vests okay like the warriors did like the warriors see the warriors so in New York you had five burrows filled with gangs now years later when I

started just going to Harlem I can't lie to you I heard about gangs but I never saw them but was involved with them at all okay I heard about the ghetto boys at that time the ghetto boys like in the early in 68 I knew about the royal javelins and like I don't know I can't remember they all had like weird names and they all ran three blocks and I don't even think they sold nickelbacks then like they didn't know about financing yeah it was a whole different it was different you know a gang prostitution probably like when I watched sons of anarchy and they showed Kurt society

and all the Cholos and when Jimmy Smith came in, if you live in where Jeff Garcia's from, where's he from? La Puente. La Puente. La Puente has like seven gangs in La Puente, and each a gang is assigned to a different turf. And at that turf, they shaked down,

and they finance by selling street drugs. And that's their, that's their... Yeah. They make pennies to a dollar. Yeah. But in their world, they're fucking big shots. And that's the social economic. That's what it is.

That's what... created for so I get all that the when I was a kid in the Bronx I didn't understand it and when I like I said when I would go to Harlem I heard about the ghetto boys because kids would brag about all the things yeah and the word on the street about the ghetto boys is that they had a motherfucking bazooker everybody else had a knife they had a bazooka they were showing up with a so and the song was do you want to get it higher with the ghetto brother power oh shit power power like that was like that little

theme shit about but i didn't know nobody and no gangs i didn't run no nobody came up to me and asked me if i wanted to cut my hand and shake hands yeah you know what I'm saying nothing like that i can't yeah now man like speaking of juvenile hall like a lot of my friends went to juvenile hall and in in California there's juvenile hall and then there's those crazy motherfuckers to go to see California Youth Authority. I had a homie that was in there from like 13 or 14 to 25. They call it adult life. Like instead of sending you to prison, you go from 14 to 25.

And like he was fucking. He got out and he was just like dog. It ain't like prison over here. There is gang banging. Mexicans and Mexicans is like, look, you're from my opposite gang. We're going to go back. We're going to fight. It was like some crazy shit.

Homeboy with the time, like motherfuckers would like get your asses. ass beat. Like in there, if you drop something and picked it up, they put you on this thing called the lever where like from now on people can just sock you and do whatever they want. So if you drop something, it's just gone now? That's it, dog. Like, if you're drinking coffee and that shit falls, you're like, hey, my boy. Like, yeah, dog. And those guys, they go to prison and they're out of fucking control. They call them Y-A babies. Like, oh, the motherfuckers are Y-A baby. be like he don't fuck around and uh yeah man that's uh that's that's that's they they they shut two of them down joey so many motherfuckers were getting like bad shit happening to

them they had one in norwalk and one in sacramento and fuck i can't imagine hey dog i heard people get raped in there oh please that's that's the main because it's the main fucking thing they're kids what do you think they're doing they're savages they don't know yeah they don't have the manpower at those places to control those people and they're doing like six seven years you know at that age you don't your head doesn't comprehend it like your head doesn't comprehend it like you can see the let's talk about the miami this shooter in florida like i just saw a picture him there's a shooter in florida you got that just went off at the school okay yeah that kid you know he he doesn't even know what is going on

Like he doesn't know what's going on. And now they're going to put him into a system. That doesn't really know what they're going on. And he's special treatment. So he's going to be on the psychiatric services, the rest of his fucking time. They're going to med him up too. And they're going to med you up. You know, the prison system is not a good fucking, is not a good fucking system.

Especially now. You can't smoke in that? Can you mind? No, it's all money now. It costs three bucks a fucking cigarette. for a pinner. If you had like a real marble light, you can break that up in a five cigarettes.

It's all bad. It's all fucking bad. And you know what's even crazier about the prisons I just read about is now they have a regular, a prison has two yards. They got a protective custody guard, special needs yards for gays, snitches,

people that, what's that shit called pedophiles? They separate them. from the main main line fools like me that like a dog now there's so many of these fuckers on this side they're the the living is they can't live there what is it called bad living or something bad living condition yeah bad living condition so now they're putting all these motherfuckers on the main line and telling the main line like hey you're gonna stab this fool it's gonna give you life. So they're creating riots every fucking day. And I guess an inmate wrote a letter to like their

family and now there's families outside protesting saying, dude, my, my husband has six months left. He's been down for 15 years and you're going to put a pedophile on his yard knowing that they have to stab this motherfucker? Like that's some fucking crazy shit. Once they find out that, because I didn't go to any of the big prisons. I went through the system. First, you go to that place where they test you. Yeah. Reception.

They ask you questions. And that was fucking three weeks of hell. That was three weeks of just no sleep. People yelling all night. It was cold and the bed was metal. Yeah. Then they transferred me to another place for about two weeks. That was okay.

They had pods. There was fist fights. There was shanking. But I read books. That's it. I didn't know nobody. I made friends as a black dude. And that was it.

And I went to my destination. My destination was a prison camp. Yeah. There was a barrack for snitches. Yeah. But you weren't supposed to know. They were not witness. We located guys.

There were that other thing that they put in there. Special needs. Special protection. Yeah. You don't even know. We didn't know. PC protective custody. Right.

You didn't know. And then somebody would get a letter from somebody going. hey yeah is this guy your camp this guy was the one that ratted out the Gonzalez brothers in 1984 he's just getting out stab him like it would go like that and we would hear it but the prison camp I was at was very calm it was one of the best camps they had enough inmates for the thing the city of Golden really monitored is where they make Coors beer oh wow cores don't want it there so Coors fought against it making

going to grow and all this shit they wouldn't hire the people from the plant where the other prison camp of that nature rifle the city of rifle close to aspen about an hour from aspen they the community gave you jobs so even though you were in prison in the summer you worked at the pool as a lifeguard or selling popcorn or in the winter you worked at the ski resort okay they would let you work at the ski resort. Wow. And there was people who worked at the movie theater. Wow. Throwing the trash out, all that shit. We were allowed

to leave for 20 minutes a day, you know? Damn, I didn't get none of that shit. Yeah, I was a lot. This was before furloughs. Yeah. We went crazy in Boston. When I got into prison, there was still furloughs. Oh, you did like 10 years, and you had five left. You were eligible for furloughs.

But your behavior had to be impeccable. Impeccable. Like impeccable, which was really hard. It's too hard. It's impeccable. It's got to be impeccable. Like if there's a sock outside your locker and all that type of shit. Like that impeccable.

But when I got to the camp that you heard, the one thing with me was that where I went, there was still the isolation groups. But because I knew about money and how money worked, I went through there with no drama at all.

Of course. The The kitchen is filled with blacks and Mexicans. Huh? So I had them from the kitchen. And then you have the white power group and you had the bikers. That's weird that they separate like that over there. Yeah, at that time, it was the white power group and then bikers. And then there was this one white power dude.

There was a different white power dude. Oh, wow. He hated a certain type of people. But he was really badass. So when I went to prison, he became my friend. He was from Philly. Okay. So I fucked with those white dudes.

The bike of white dude was in there from Voluntary Mansloor, and he wasn't a good dude. Yeah, he could just tell. But he gambled with me, so he was cool. The white dude, the one who hated blacks and Latinos and Jews, he was a degenerate gambler. And he loved Mexican food. He loved fucking burritos. Oh, yeah. One Mexican dude than him that would do business all the time.

That's why that joke from Jerry Roe. Rocha has always made me laugh about him going home for Christmas and white people being at this house for Christmas in the back that hate Mexican people, but then they're like, man, but this house is good. Look at them. They're fucking up the words, the jingle bells and all this shit, you know. I love that joke when he says, look at them fucking up the words to jingle bells. This bean dip is sure a good tasty, you know.

That, I mean, the guy that hated Mexican. I love Mexican food. So on Sundays, he kind of deal with the Mexican dude. The dude would give him green chili burritos. Oh, man. This dude would go bananas. So I didn't really experience that, like you see in the movies where we're at war, but not really. I can't talk to George because I'm with the Italian.

Dog, I lived that shit. George can't talk to me because he's with the Mexicans. And then we'd get thrown into a laundry. And after a weeker, you've got to say something to me. I can't. You believe that shit? You gotta say something to me. I can't.

You would know already because if we did talk, like look, Joey, if you're my enemy in there and we know each other from you. Yeah, but we're not enemies. Let's say I'm with the Italians or I'm with the Cubans. I mean, you're allowed to then. But if you have the Cubans have no dealings with essays, nothing. In fact, we're friends. We swear food. Oh, yeah, we can.

But it's just where I was at, there was no contact with any black at all. It was, it was just common like, excuse me. Good morning. It wasn't more like a dog so where are you from how would when's your birthday what's your favorite color Who do the Jews hang out with because we can't hang out with the Aryan brotherhood? You guys get great lawyers bro You really don't there's not that there's not too many Jews in there's funny but there is and you guys roll with the others There's others. Yeah, others is

There's Mexican white black and others and Pisa there's Pisa to it and there others is like you hang out with like the Asians Samoans Russians, Italians. Samoans, okay. Yeah, because... Now, what's the point in a jail? A Pisa is someone that is not from America. They're Mexico, El Salvador, Honduran. When you're Mexican, you're just from here,

or you claim it. You're from a gang. If you're not from a gang, you're Mexican, and you're just like, hey, dog, I'm a Pisa. You're like, all right, cool. You know what I mean? You're a Mexican and you're not in a gang. You've been robbing on your own for 20 years.

sling them and you go to prison you have to join one of they you got to choose homie or fucking how many gangs are out to choose from the Mexican that's it like northern and southern I don't speak on that but okay fair enough what about like Latin kings and all that hell no they would be like look homie you're over here this is our rules that's it were the Latin kings where you were at nah that don't that doesn't exist yeah that's east coast that's a whole other flavor because

Latin Kings, they got white, black, they have every race in there. Really? Hell yeah. I thought the Latin kings are just Spanish, dude. Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, and you know, some Dominican fuck this black person thinking they were Dominican,

and it's so mixed up. How scared should I be? At the time I'm building, there's an MS-13 tag on, like, the wall. That's probably like the fucking guy that delivers Sparkly. It was just like, hey, I'm going to fuck a plaque on the wall right here. Fair enough.

I know, but is it old, new? It looks, it's the first time I've seen it recently here. Where do you? I don't, don't tell me. It's in, I live in, like, near Studio City. It's not in a bad area. Nah. No, don't buy it.

He doesn't know. Yeah. Some 13-year-old kids are fucking blocked and fucking, you think so? I know so. Look at the fucking neighbor. Yeah, it's Studio City, Doug.

What are we doing over there? Yeah. What are they doing? It's not really studios. You know, there's a fucking pizza place over there. I go to Daniels. Yeah. It's okay.

Nice people. nice owners, they've gotten broken into three times. People are hungry right now. The end of that I drove by there on Lowell King, I was parked at the light. And I sat there at the light and I lowered the window because I used to be a burglar. If you smash that window, the whole neighborhood hears it. He said that all three times, the camera. Didn't catch it?

No, caught it. He got, he calls up. He calls the cops. He's watching them on the camera on his phone. as they're going in, going, he goes, I leave $40 in here at night. But the point of the story is that I was sitting there. There's a gas station that's open 24 hours.

There's a jack-in-the-box that's open 24 hours. There's a subway sandwich on the corner that's in there hidden next to a Starbucks. Nobody heard, like, he's like, it's the weirdest thing. I sat there in a car. I know as a burglar, if I would break that, the way it would echo.

It would just echo. There's a sprint store. there. I mean, it's tough to be a burglar now. Fuck, there's cameras everywhere. There's cameras everywhere in people's houses and you ever catch them on the news how they get confused

and they take their camera off to scratch their head and the camera gets them right there. You're like, what the fuck? It's fucking hard in here. It would be so fucking hard to do anything anymore. Like, I think of the shit I used to do and I would have been busted, trusted. Oh, I would like

still her cell phone and subscribe to George Press stars on it. All right, I'm a subscriber. I'm going to do some shit. I don't know that about cell phones, but I would just be fucking robbing shit. I used to rob houses, but never like, I was, fuck Joey.

I wanted shit, dog. So when I was like 18, I wouldn't rob a house, but like if a rich ass, no disrespect, but rich ass white girl invited me to her crib. Oh, it was going down. Come on,

you know. Listen, from the age of 16, to 30, everything I did was a case. Everything, if you invited me to your house, you just put yourself on a list for me to rob you. I looked around. Like, if you invited me to your house, like, that's what I would do.

I am a security expert. When I look at your house, I can tell you if you're going to get robbed, and why are you going to get robbed, and how are you going to get robbed? There's just different percentages. You know, if you leave your backpack in the front seat of your car

where your computer, they're going to break it. If you put it on the front floor, the backpack is black, and they don't see it. They're not going to break up to the cover with the sweaters. It's really fucking stupid what life is about. You know, one thing I never did was I hated car stereos. Like, there was just so many things that I wouldn't do.

There was a point for years in America, if you robbed the car stereo, you couldn't do nothing with it. Because once you took it out, you couldn't play in another car, unless it was aftermarket. Like if you went and bought like a, whatever but if you took like a crisis staring out there's nothing you could do it even if you put in another crisis it was fucking there's so many crimes that people do for little shit and they cause so much havoc yeah and it pisses me off like if you leave dollar bills in the certain middle

of your thing you know you pay for tolls yeah put change in there they're gonna break the window you put singles in there they're gonna break your window they're gonna break your window four in the morning for four fucking dollars yep and now you got to pay Yeah, and now you just paid $150. When I go into a place, I look at the security of the place. And I look at the people and I ask if I go to the bathroom. I love the people that you go to the bathroom that you have to walk through a bedroom.

They got a jewelry box right here. Yeah. You're going down. You're going down. I'm going to get the case of the shit to steal one of your wedding. I mean, it was just dumb. Like when people would have parties, I would rob parties all the time. Like if people would say, oh, yeah,

a party, he's a friend of mine, he's having a party in Tenafly, that's the first place as you want. And next thing you know, you're on the second floor under the bed with the little girl's fucking pony banking and, you know, piggy bank and shit. It's fucking embarrassing, dog. It's embarrassing

the shit. You've done some crazy shit. I've done some shit. I used to break into this house so much that they would leave me notes. Like, fuck you. Wipe your feet, asshole. Like, I would rob them once every 90 days for like two years.

Oh, shit. I robbed them once every 90 days, a drug deal. Why didn't they put a lock on the door? They did everything they could. I would just rob them just to let them know it was stupid. Just to let them know it was stupid.

They had a back window that I could open like nothing. And nothing pisses me off more than when I rob you and I come back and you still haven't fixed that problem. I will rob you again just out of principle. I robbed that fucking apartment. It was a fucking gay dude who sold drugs. And I knew he had to work. Like I knew him to do it.

another gay guy and I knew he had a word. And I would rob him certain hours. Damn. Like the first three places I robbed of him, like the first time he left money in like a jar in his, like on the dresser or something? Yeah, like an dresser. I just stuck my hand in there.

It was $450. Those days. That's money. On Friday morning. And there was like an ounce of Coke somewhere. Oh, my God. And then I waited like 90 days. He never accused me.

And I went back again. And this time he hit him. in his lover's room and I robbed that one. And then I went back like six months later and I robbed him again for something else for Coke again. And then after that I waited and I robbed him again and I went to the first two spots and both of them had notes like fuck you asshole. Years later like.

Why don't you leave him a note back? Like, ha ha, got your gun. I don't have that type of time, Lee. Let's say he's a stenographer of fucked up. He knows an FBI dude. I used to do some creepy shit, dog. There was this dude that just pissed me on. I think I told this story.

When I went to Colorado, you know those motherfuckers that every time you're cooking, you're about to eat, they ring your doorbell. And they're like, man, his name was Kent. And he was from eating turkey. Telemarketer? No, he was just a white dude that would, he lived upstairs. Oh, he wanted to talk and eat. He lived right above me. But he always knew when we were cooking.

He always knocking the door. He always, I hope I didn't interrupt nothing. Oh, my God. And me being fucking me, I go, you want to sit and get something to eat? Sure. You know, he was one of those goofy dudes that rode a bike with the helmet on, even in the 80s and shit. So, you know, we'd smoke pot with him and shit. And he was like an artist type dude at the time.

He was way older to me. If I was 18, he had to be like 25. But he lived right above me. I lived on the first floor, and he lived right above me on the second floor. And, you know, we became friends. We were, like, friends for, like, four months. he would come over and night and smoke with us. A lot of people did.

Did he rob you guys? No, he pissed me all. His mother sent the money. He came and bragged about it, and I go, you know, I just made like a comedy. I said, what's the story? Why don't you go get a six-pack and come over and drink it with us? You know, you hear every night smoking our pot and eating our food. He's like, oh, no, man, I got to hold on to this money.

This got to last me. And that night, he went out to a bar at Aspen. Like, on the way out he came. I was watching TV, and I had money at the time. Not a millionaire money. Yeah, but you had it. I was making like $10 an hour. The rent was paid, and I had like $800 in the bank.

And I remember watching TV just being pissed off. That this motherfucker wouldn't even buy a six-pack. Yeah. And then the door knocks and the Tim all dressed up. And he's like, I'm going to ask me. Anybody want to come? I got to meet some girls up there and all this shit. I'm going to have a good time.

I'm like, this guy doesn't know I'm going to rob this motherfucker because I know he's cheap. He didn't take all the money with him. Yeah. I was trying to deposit it because he had gotten it later in the day so there's got to be cash upstairs so I waited like an hour downstairs

my roommate was on a date I was all by myself lonely and shit I had the money to get cucked but I was gonna rob this motherfucker at one point and I went out there and I put a table out there and I tried to jump and I couldn't make it so I put a chair on top of the table

and I went out there like a Houdini and I still couldn't match and I put like a chair on top of a chair on top of a chair on top of a chair and thought but table and then I finally fucking got to his balcony and bro the balcony was open I just had to slide it open and I went in the house

and I looked everywhere I fucking looked everywhere for that money and I could not find it he had a bicycle with a little pouch in the bag where you put like you're the fucking deflator you spare tie I went in there not that this motherfucker took it with him I went back the house but I left the front door open

because sometimes I leave the front door door open just to think about. And I'll come back and shit. And about an hour later, I went to the bathroom. I hit the bathroom. And sure enough, I opened up a metal bandaid case, and there's his Guitous. Wow.

A couple hundred dollars. I take the money. I close it. I close the mirror. I locked the balcony. I leave the front door open. So when he comes home, he knows his front door's open. Yeah. Man, I think I locked it. So next morning, sure enough, first thing.

And he's like, hey, man, I got robbed last man. Really? What time? I just played it off. And then he left and he came back and he was like, you know what, man, I've been thinking, you and your roommate, you're both two New York City hustlers. What a piece of shit.

I heard that you had burglarized a place once or twice in your lap before. I think you burglarized me. I said, Ken, I didn't burglarize you. He came back downstairs with a piece of Scotts tape. he said I got fingerprints I'm gonna take him down the snow mass police apartment right now and get the fingerprint lifted from the scotch table I'm like

oh this poor bastard oh shit and he never talked to me again he knew I robbed me he would tell my room I know it was him I know he robbed me fuck yeah I'm gonna rob you oh you had to just buy a six pack of beer and I wouldn't have a lesson learned dog do shit like that

fucking with me yeah motherfucker we buy you eating steaks I used to go every night and shoplift two steaks You wouldn't even buy the meat? No, I would buy salami. I would buy Ascomiah salami and a head of lettuce. And I would take two T-Bone steaks and put them in my winter jacket.

I'd go home on the shuttle and I'd have my roommate cook the steaks because I bought them. And I cut the salami and cut lettuce and put salami, tomatoes and lettuce. And I'd make like a Genoa salad with vinegar oil. And we'd just make fucking T-bone steaks. That fucking sounds bomb. Dog, I don't fuck around. Since the early age, I don't fuck around. Yeah, I feel like, I'd steal those nice tea, like those $10 teabones.

Back in the day, a $10 teabond. That was big time. Yeah. Shit. I was a one-man fucking wrecking crew. Oh, yeah. And I loved it. I think about it sometimes, and I'm like, dog, I feel bad for the sins I did.

No, I didn't, because most of the people I robbed were just playing out scumbags. Yeah. I feel you. I got robbed when I was, like, 21 by my baby's mom. and I didn't like put it together until I was like 33. How'd you get robbed? I broke up with her and back then I used to my parents like they owned houses so they were like look you guys can stay in this house.

It's a four bedroom. I ran out one bedroom and then just pay the difference. I'm like, all right, cool. So my baby's mom back then was a big ass fucking tweaker and she used to hang out. She's been the juvenile hall. my baby's mom the oldest one though she's 40 my no she's from my son georgia my daughter's 11 my other son's 19 and my georgie's 22 georgie his mom she fucking so i told her hey you got to today to take all your shit out and i didn't come home because i was out fucking other bit bitches and i come home and the

whole house has ketchup and shaving cream all over the carpet like Back then a fucking DVD player was at 150. They took all my shit. And they even robbed the roommate that was there. And she was hanging out with a girl that was dating some fool that had a, that had a jewelry like a pawn shop, jewelry and shit. And they took all the jewelry. And I just put it all together later because I seen that fool for the jewelry shop.

He was like, yo, dog, did your lady ever give you all that money from the come up? I was like, what come up? He was like, yeah, dog. She told me that you guys, guys robbed somebody and she but you didn't want to come in so you brought the jewels in she would brought him in so it wouldn't look like you did and i was like that bitch robbed me dog she would have been my first my first suspect yeah you just broke up with her she like they wouldn't catch up and i know but it was more like i was kind of scared of her dog i just wanted her out

of the fucking house you know what i mean because like she had cousins that would come down and fucking stab me i was just more like hey i'll take this three hundred dollar loss get the fuck out of here i tell you there's nothing like getting robbed because you're a thief you just write it off with no drama exactly i remember the first time i got beat i got beat big dog i was about 16 i was about 17 and i was working at putton fuel pumping gas oh where's that button fuel puttum fuel this place it was in it was on the border with North Bergen where I'm from in Seac caucus, New Jersey. Okay.

Dan Jeep. A gas station, dog? Truck drivers. Dan Jeep, women sucking dick in the back. You know, this was... Slatping them in the back and squeegees. This is when people were doing black beauties. You would snort black beauties.

Oh. You would open up the capsule and snort the black beauties and shit. Sniffing paint and all that shit? I don't know what they did back there. I never got involved. I knew they were white and they were scary and they looked like people from walking dead and the walking dead wasn't even out yet so i left them alone but i got a job working there

and you know it was a couple nights a week the gammyos got me the job julio gammy and his brother caesar were both big time is there they had worked there all their life as kids like since they were eight and now they would hire people for partner them it was open 24 hours and gross one night these brothers came in cool and shit black dudes like all four superflies. They got out of the car, pay for the gas, tip me.

And they were like, can you get rid of some refill? You like smoking refram? I'm like, fuck yeah. They go come back, look at the trunk of the car. And they opened up the trunk of the car. It was like fucking 10 pounds of my one. They said, take a bud.

Bro, I took a bud, and I cut that bud, and I rolled it up. And I saw the fucking devil. I saw the devil. When I had a friend that had a friend that had big money, he sold Coke. This is 1980. I'm in high school.

My mother had just died, and this dude was a fucking pedophile. This dude was like just Harvey Weinstein and a pedophile put together. He's on Facebook now. I ain't going to call him out and shit, but, like, as a kid, I would go to his house and he always had a robot.

There was a couple people in those days. I always had a robot. There was a pedophile on my block called Puerto Rican Nelson. He always had a robot. This motherfucker would help you play football with a robot. Sure he wants you to suck his dick with no underwear with a robin playing football and shit, helping you change the tire with a robot in the fucking wintertime and shit. And this dude, this dude, I had a friend that wasn't allowed to go to dude's house for a certain reason.

So he would give me money and I would go to dude's house and then made me look like a big shot. Dude and him were cousins, but dude was a cop. Oh shit So dude couldn't be seeing with dude Yeah So dude would go Go over there by a gram Two grams three grams

And it would help my cred I'd go over and say look I'm selling for you Throw me a little something Yeah Straight up like a jean And I'm 17 I don't know how many times

I went over And this guy would always Have a fucking robot And shit What time of the day Were you going over there Always right after school I would get out of school

Was it just underwear under Like he would have like Bikini underwear And every time I went out, every time I went in there, he'd be coked out from the night before. This is before anybody was getting coked up. Like, the only people I saw getting coked up from the night before at that time was my mother and her friends. This is the- So this is outside of the house now.

This is, my mother was dead, and this is the first guy that would get high, and I would call him, like, a two, and say, I'm coming over, and he was still high from the night before, like the dude and boogie nights. I know exactly. That was like that dude. With his hair still combed good. with the Chinese guy that was like firecrackers. Yeah.

He always had like a guy over there or some creepy girl. Yeah. There was always something going on when you went to his house. But I would go over there all the time and buy coke from him and front coke from him. And he always took care of me. So I took him to weed. And I go, listen, man, I bumped into these fucking yams from fucking Camden. They got a hotel room up in room 4-48 up here.

And they gave me their number. They got the bag. I go smoke it. Tell me what you think. The guy called me the next day. He's like, dog, that's the best weed I've ever smoked in my life. I think they wanted 800 a pound. I don't know.

I think they wanted 600 a pound. I tacked on two. Exactly. And they wanted three pounds. Patty Boy, that was his name. So I'll take three pounds. So I went over at a certain time. I picked up the three pounds.

I picked up the cash. And I met the black dudes at the fucking Putnam Field. until his dad don't know how they did it. What happened? It was one of those. Give us the cash, go to the trunk, and pull the weed out. And when I went to the trunk, I pulled the weed out.

And they said, we got cops watching this. Don't look at it until you get to your car. Ah. And when I got in the backseat, I opened it. And it was three pounds. So let's say three pounds is 32 and 16. is 42, 48 ounces. There was maybe

four ounces of real weed on top. Yeah. And the rest was just a brick condensed. And I didn't know. I took it to him like a fucking dry. I took it to him like Tony took it to... In Harlem lights? No, no, no. Remember when Tony Montana took the guy the kilo Coke?

Yeah. My friend Angel Fernandez died. But this is my gift to you. I went over and I was Johnny Bispucci. Like, here's what I did. The guy took the top bag out. The rest were bricks. and he looked me in the face he goes listen

I don't know if you know how men do this we got beat and in reality I didn't get beat you got beat so I gave you $1,800 cash

I need my money back whatever he's like I gave you $2,400 cash I need my money back I need it back in two days and that's the first time I ever got put like that was like

Yeah it's mission time I couldn't get him beat up I couldn't beat him up In my world that's what it is If I call Lee and I go Lee, George Perez is giving you a gig down in Oklahoma. You go down and George don't pay you,

you got to look at me. Next time shut your fucking mouth. Now you learn to shut your fucking mouth. You don't know nothing about nothing. I don't know nothing. Because George beat him, and it happens. It's going to happen. It happens in coverage.

Straight up. It happens where you go somewhere, and you get a basketball for a check. Uh-huh. You don't know until you come back. I did Pachanga. I supposed to get $2,400. That guy that was supposed to pay me.

Dog, this motherfucker brought his luggage in my room. Hung up his clothes in the closet and shit. We got drunk, did coke. I fucking passed out. I woke up. Everything was gone, but his clothes. Never paid me nothing. Finally, I fucking found that for it.

I don't want to say his name, but you know who he is. He's a punk motherfucker. I just went out of him like a straight man. I said, look, dog, I need $200 every two months. I don't care what your problems are. I lost out big. I was supposed to make like 2,500, dog, left with like minus 500. Because, you know, you gamble at Pichanga.

You eat, you stay, and, oh, that motherfucker got me good. No, but that was the first time I got beat, and they did it beautifully. And I got beat in the city. That is smooth. I got beat in the city when you buy acid. New York on 42nd Street in the old days, they would tell you the same line. Okay. Don't look at it until you get down the corner, and then you open it up, and it's a coffee filter.

It's a fucking piece of paper with coffee stain on it. Oh, wow. And they would sell you blot of acid. You know, those feelings are horrible. Fuck, yeah. I'll tell you the worst beating I ever took, Doug. I was selling cars, George. Uh, George, that's your name.

I don't know what. I'm selling cars. I'm the type of motherfucker when I'm wheeling and dealing, it's a cost of doing business. But when my sweats involved, straight up. It's a different story. When I'm wheel and dealing,

I'll give you whatever you want. But when I'm sweating. stepping on toes now you're stepping on toes so talk about how you were dealing cars I was selling cars and I had put away money you have put away money oh yeah like I can talk I was not even in the bank I'd never put away money at this time I got out of prison and I said you know what I'm gonna start taking care of myself a little better and I got a job washing cars That hurts. And they put me in the employee residential manager program, so they gave me an extra $2.

I was making okay money. My rent was $4.50 a month. That was $2.5. You know, and I put away this money. I don't want to tell the amount. It doesn't matter. I put it away for two months after I got out of the prison. Like when you get out of jail, I was out on bail.

As a matter of fact, I'm out on bail. And I'm just about putting the pieces together. And I get a fucking VCR and a brand. new Sony whatever the fuck it was brand new bro I had never paid for nothing I had always got I would put TVs on stolen credit cards buy him stolen or I would steal the TV myself this is the first time I sweat and you know one that came home my shit was gone though uh my roommate George was his name at the time of the George did you leave the door no they robbed my shit I'll never feel like I'm a thief I was a thief, but I've also been robbed.

So I know what the perspective is. Yeah, Peter Pace Paul. Like you just, it's a, it's like when you get a, like when I got arrested for the kidnapping, I accepted it. Like I accepted it. I accepted it for all my other sins. I didn't kidnap nobody. What are you talking about kidnapping?

I didn't send nobody a ransom note. No, kidnapping is when you do this and this and this and this. And it's like last week I made a job. But I'll say this again with a different context. You see when Rhonda Rousey got kicked in the head? Yeah. When she was laying there, sitting there, do you think she was thinking about the $8 million

she was gonna get? No, she was thinking about all the mistakes she made to get to that place. When they're putting the handcuffs on you, that's what you're thinking about. Hell yeah. When that bailiff says, when that judge says, bailiff, put the cups in and take them into the back.

When they put those handcuffs on you for a minute, you think about all the things you do. You think about throwing a rock at that priest when you were six. You think about robbing that old lady's pennies. You think about the bicycle tube you stole. It all comes back to you. You know, they say when you... Spitting your grandma's water.

Yeah, they say that when you die, your life flashes before you. It happens in a lot of situations in your life. You know, like when you're bombing at the comedy store, Mitzis in the back and you're eating a bag of dicks and you're seeing your life in front of you and you're also planning your suicide, while you're on stage. You can't even focus on material

because you don't know whether you're going to jump off the Santa Monica Bridge or you're going to jump off some pole over the fucking whatever. You don't know. I mean, that's the truth. You don't know what it's like

the bomb in front of Mitzie on Thursday night. Oh, and it's quiet. Yeah? Quiet. Fucking, you can hear toenails. I never got to perform her from the room.

Yeah, you can hear toenails growing. Now, is this in the OR room? This is in the original room. Okay. She saw me in a bag of dicks in the main room. time but there was one particular time in the original room like it's in that where I would be a say to you nothing does she tell you shit when you eat dicks or is it like she would make an

offhand compliment or say something to you to talk with you but at the same time you would take it she would never goof on you no okay that was yeah her world she would just say it wasn't your night I don't like that joke like she She told Rogan one time he couldn't do the Anna Nicole joke because people couldn't follow it. That's a compliment from her. Damn. She's like, you can't be doing that joke around here, though. These motherfuckers fall apart of the things.

Rogan was howling. She told Rogan right out, you can't do that joke in the main room, dog. By Ann Nicole and that old dude she married and he wanted a Kentucky Fried Hooker and all that shit. You can't because that bit used to just level room. Yeah. Before he died, he was 90, and his dying wish was to get a Kentucky fried hookie. So he married out and Nicole, his family was pleading with him, don't do it. She wants your money.

I don't give a fuck. I'm 91. I'm going to suck them 10 until I die. Oh, it was a great bit. I forget it word for word, but I watched to do it. And, bro, when he would do it at the comic in front of him, they got a comic that had to follow him, you would just see their shoulders go down. And we'd go down because they knew it was going to be a long night. This is when he was still yelling.

Okay. He was younger. He was yelling. He was kentisoned in it a little bit. Okay. He ripped. He was ripping moves apart, bro. For 50 minutes, he was ripping moves apart.

Oh, yeah. But that had a cold bit. That, you know, that's how the joke ended. The joke ended with him dying, like, please don't die. And he's like, I'm not dead. lick my balls lick my asshole and all this shit and that would just blow up the fucking room

but she would tell you little things like and she was right you did this she's seen it all you sped it up you sped up your set tonight you'd walk past her like in disgust like you'd walk past or like no and I'm not gonna ever get on

fucking another spot here again like when you got off that stage you were like that's it that was my run at the comedy story and all of a sudden you calling next week and you got five spots. Oh, wow. Because she understood. Bro, you and then I went in the main room on Saturday night.

I ate a bag of dicks, bro. Oh, yeah? Brian Monarch show. They just weren't buying me. Okay. But in the fifth minute, I didn't do what I used to do. An inexperienced comic folds in the main room at the five-minute mark. And it's a long time until that light comes on. And you're up there talking, and now you're starting to turn red.

now you're starting to do stolen jokes you think about Cosby fucker he's in jail that material's free and shit now oh shit you just want that fucking light to end I just kept plowing through it

I knew they didn't like me I knew they didn't like the joke I opened up with I opened up with a joke that was a little too strong at the 7 o'clock show now you gotta pay for your sense I've been there before but I can't give up

I gotta go back standing on my two feet and plow through it, like, they're going to get it. Like, I'm going on for a fucking... When I got out of it, I could just tell. When I was walking out, they were like, look at me, like, ill. They were giving me the ill thing. And I went into that fucking original room, and I just laid it a beat on them.

Bro, it was basically... I went out, I touched gloves. I threw a jab to feel where the... My distance was. And I just started taking body shots like Rocky in the eighth round. I was just hitting body shots. Oh, bam. Even Kate quickly called me.

She was like, what the fuck? I just did 45 minutes and 15. That's what I do best. When you do 45 minutes of punch lines, a 10 seconds, a 10 seconds set up and just punch lines of 15 minutes, that's when you're just having fun. You just dissect your act.

Okay, I got you. Take out the chitter chatter and just lay it on them. You got 45 minutes, you've got 15. So you're just laying it on them. And what you're giving them is just body shots. At the end of the set, they just scattered like a massacre. They're like all over the place trying to hold on themselves. I love all that shit.

I love all that shit. Fuck yeah. I'm, Hey, bro, I'm excited to be working with you, man, all the knowledge I'm going to get. You know what knowledge.

I get knowledge from you and shit. Nah, not. It's just like, you always teach me like how to act and shit. I remember one time you'd be like, yeah, you can't be going into the improv

with your nose looking like that. I was like, oh shit. Like, I remember like you'd always tell him like, A dog, don't party till you're done. You know what I mean?

Because I used to fucking party hard dog. Or I'd be drunk and, shit. I don't know if you remember, but you'd always tell me that shit. I didn't. There was a certain listen, when you go to a club now, when you start headlining, you're going to figure something out. You're going to walk into a club, and they can't wait to tell you gossip. Okay.

They can't wait to tell you about who got 10 hookers last week. Yeah. They can't wait to tell you about Pablo. Stay until Wednesday. You know, and they can't wait to tell you about this guy, you know, doing shit to the way. staff for this chick firing way people they can't wait because I'm normal when I go to those clubs I'm very thankful they be there you know there's people that lose LA and they lose their mind they leave LA and they lose their mind they're what do you mean by that they go to they go to Nashville and in their

minds they're fucking real stars I got you I got you you know I never bought into that shit I always stay very I don't give a fuck about credit so I've seen people with a thousand credits suck the biggest dicks on stage Give me the guy with no credits. That motherfucker'll kill you. You go to a local town as a feature act. He'll kill you. Doing all feature shit, doing shit about the city.

And he knows what's going on with the area. They'll kill you. Those local features sometimes, they'll bury you. They know about everything. They know the political or the city, the views of the city. And they're good. They're headlines. They're just featuring for you.

They got no credits. You better fucking watch yourself, Doug. They'll fucking bury you those guys. Those guys that know about the area and the landmarks and they grew up there and shit. They're fucking local comics. You know, when I lived in Seattle, you know, it's funny. When I lived in Seattle, when I left Seattle, I had 30 minutes.

When I got to LA, I had 18. Why? Because 12 minutes was about Seattle. Oh, okay. When you live in a place and you become a local at that place. That's your bit. You know, what am I going to do here? Talk about traffic, done.

Talk about the pollution, done. What are you going to talk about? There's too many Mexicans. done. There's too many Armenians done. They've all been done, you know. Open those that door for me a little bit. You know, so that's the problem you have. But

once, when you're developing in Boston, like, if you go to Boston... I've never been in Boston. And you go to an open mic on Monday in Boston. They're talking about local shit and you're dying. You're fucking dying. It's just, yeah. I mean, I'm down for all that

shit. I can't wait to. I get out to Boston and all that shit. I'm going to I want to die with them and come back, right? That's what I want to do. Right now you're at that precipice. You're at that precipice where you're featuring, your headlining, you're what I'm seeing, you got the credits, you've been on Showtime. I mean, you're right there.

You're knocking on Evans' door. You get developmental spots at the store. I don't know if you've looked around lately. There ain't too many Mexicans at the store. No. Nice. Is it trejole? Yeah, that's it.

You know, in the old days, it was 18 Mexicans at the fucking comedy store. No way. Yeah, man. Yeah? Yeah. Damn. Freddy. Johnny.

Luke. Where is Luke? I don't know. I see. He posted something kind of funny. He said that he had a bad dream and that he said he had a bad dream and he was watching a movie with a gay Rambo and he called him Rambrough. And he's like, they suck cock first. Now, you know, they drew blood first.

You know Luke dog He's in a band He's a comedian He always loved music Yeah he's good He was a music guy He was always a music guy But I think he does two or three years a gig

A year as a comedy Yeah I'm fuck I don't know I'm out here grinding Trying to get mine hustling Working on shit All together How long have you been doing comedy now 16 17 years

But you got to take three off Because I did three years in prison Which is time. Yeah. You did time served. And then you got to be funny. Yeah. And once you told people you're a comedian,

well, tell me something funny, bro. Tough. That's the worst. That's the worst. I was hiding being a community. I don't want no one to know the fucking guards are the ones that fucking burn me. All the other ones? Yeah, because the guards are at the prison I was at.

The last one I was at was in Norcoe in Riverside. So these fucking guards, they've been to, well, coyote, sat a patio, Ontario Improv. they've been to the ice house these fuckers knew me like nothing but they were like homie i used to watch you a casa latina it was fucking crazy

that's crazy shit like when a cop would be like what's up george i'm like bitch you can't say fucking hi to me and make me look like a snitch or something yeah so they never made you go on stage right i went on stage in prison a lot and all the dorms they had dorms and a lot of the guards or they're mostly mexican or like black but like yeah they were they they're in their 12 hours 15 hours themselves they were like fuck yeah go up there do comedy so they would set it up and i would do comedy in each

dorm yeah it was dope dog i i had an opener i found some porto rica for that was my opener his name was riko he was from norwalk but that fucking piece of shit ended up rolling it up rolling it up means when you tell to go to the protective custody yard because you know they're going to get you yeah you know drugs fucking get everybody that fool got fucked so you were doing stand-up in how many minutes would you do i'd do 25 30 dog nights a week once a month because like they had to make passes for me because when you're in prison there's movement so i i had to go through two stations to get to where i was going like the guards will call it in yo I'm sending Perez with two people.

They got a radio. I would bring a radio. Like, I would play music before the show and shit. Then I would get my opener to go up and do four minutes. Best intro I ever fucking had, Joey, this four goes. You might have seen them on Comedy Central. Now you could see them on the yard. He's like, give it up for George Perez.

And they're like, it was a dog. It was fun as fuck. and it made me realize that a lot of criminals are naturally funny because like usually when you get off stage and you do a show, no one's going to try to give you a tag or like a little something for your joke. The fucking gangster trolls, they were giving me fucking funny as tags. Hey, Hohan, you should say this, hey.

And I was like, oh shit, I'm going to use that. Yeah, it was, it was cool. It was fun. Hey dog, it was fun, but I just remember like Fuck Joey, it'd be a Friday night 7.30 And I probably think the reason I started doing cocaine again Is I got this anxiety of like I'm locked up

I can't go out and like be a man tell jokes go fuck Go to the liquor store go fucking to the movies You know what I mean? I'm in there and my window there's a park across the street Or there's families having fun people playing And that anxiety was fucking killing me. I remember I called Felipe

Espaza one time and I was like, what are you doing? He's like, enjoying freedom. What's up? He's like, it was fucking crazy, dog. Crazy. This last time you were in, how long were you in for? Three years. Three fucking year. Yeah, three years.

Right after we filmed Piazzo Comedy Slam. So we filmed Piazzo Comedy Slam, what? 2006. 2006. I went in June. I went in on Felipe's birthday I think it's uh what's his birthday June 11th yeah June 11th and yeah next week I'm gonna talk about 2006 if I tell you where my head was at when I shot that special I remember you were furious that you were there early no you would not no I wasn't furious that was

there early you were a little overweight too I was a lot overweight I was just furious about life. Yeah, I remember. I wish that, you know, that's why I told you in the beginning of this, that being Kavanaugh is not fair. You can't come at somebody, except if they raped you. Yeah. Or they physically put a pipe to your head or something like that because your character

has changed. When I did the Paiasso Comedy Slam, this is how fucked up life is that you work your whole life for a goal. and somebody comes up to you with a major opportunity that you frown apart like I frowned upon Scott and I hold and I called them like a man when it aired I called them like a man because that's how I was raised yep I frowned upon that opportunity you know how much I prepared for Biazor comedy slam zero damn zero I didn't care about comedy at that time in 2006 it's dark It was a really dark time.

Had done the longest yard and nothing had happened. Yeah. And a lot of people had told me that stuff was going to happen. So when nothing happened, it took me down. We shot that either the night before Thanksgiving. Yeah, it was the night before Thanksgiving. It was the night before Thanksgiving. They gave me $2,000.

It pissed me off because they gave me a check. You know, like, I was one of those guys. Like, I got pissed off because they gave me. a check. God forbid I couldn't buy cocaine. You know what I'm saying? Like, God forbid I got to stop at Whitley. I have to check cash in place. Cache this and

then go to buy cocaine. Yeah, lose 80 bucks on that. But I think about the mindset in 11 years. That, when I shot that, I was a month or two away from not knowing where I was going to go. Like at that point,

I was thinking about breaking up with my wife. Damn. I was thinking about going back to the crime life. Nothing had happened. That's it. I had done a few movies. I had done a few TV shows.

And you know what? These people don't want me. They're never going to get me. Is that the feeling you're getting your head? Yes. You're with Adam Sandler, Terry Cruz. Yeah, that was great. That opportunity was fantastic.

But everybody else, when I first got here, would do half those movies and their skyrocket success would be phenomenal. You know, fucking Tracy Morgan got the show with the chick. Fucking Terry Cruz got a bunch of shit.

Everybody got shit except me and Lobo. Who's that? Lobo was the guy who played the lineback and that smoked cigarettes. He got sons of anarchy. Oh, yeah. He got two or three up and they cut his head off and that ain't no happy ending.

And fucking, you know, you and I was already a comic for 15 years I was already doing comedy 14 years I had done Spider-Man 2 taxi I did a De Niro movie my name is Earl no no no no I just did

a fucking Adam Sandler movie and I still can't get an agent I still can't get signed I still can't get a I couldn't get a fucking theatrical agent like I had like a C fucking agent I went to innovated. I went to all these agencies that were like the B-1s.

All of them turned me down. This is with a fucking reel that started with De Niro, killing me at a bar with, you know, with fucking Anthony Lumpaglia. I had some great real. Mad TV. I had a phenomenal reel. It's 2006.

The longest yard was out of year. And it's killing. And nothing happened. I got a call for this. I got a call for that. And I shot something out. But were people blew the smoke up my ass? Nothing happened.

Nick Tatura did a movie with Tracy Moore again from that. Everybody did something from that except me. You know how bad I was feeling? I was feeling pretty shitty. So I had already done comedy 14 years. I did everything you. I did Mad TV, which is a comedy thing. And I did this movie with Adam Sandler.

And I'm still not going to Montreal. They're still not asking me about HBO special. I'm still not I don't picture me at any improv Yeah You know It's time

Like what am I doing Like I did every hurdle They put in front of me But now they don't want to I was in a fucking bad place bro I would buy a package of coke at 8 I would go to the store I would get on stage and snort it

And then I couldn't lie I didn't want the drug dealers To know how much coke I was doing So I had to wait till 2 to a bartender got off. His name was Johnny. Make him buy it for you? No, I would make, I would have him deliver after two.

I had a black guy, I had a Mexican guy at El Campadre, and had a Mexican guy that sold coke on the street on Western Boulevard on Sunset. If you just pull up at the car at the light, he'll come up to you and give you a blast. A Mexican guy, he lived like a tree. Dog, it was the craziest thing. When I couldn't find Coke anywhere,

else all I had to do is turn the car around go to the western pull into the McDonald's make a you turn and just park your car there for a minute and once I went back on sunset I was going on Sunday with the light turned red and all of a sudden you see him come down from the tree

he'd come over to me dog I met him like a year early in that neighborhood one night like that monkey a hangover I met him like coming back from a gig with coke in my pocket like I had money in my pocket and in those days I would get lost and call Edward because you know how they closed the roads.

Yeah, oh yeah, Edwin knew that shit. Edward grew up here, so I would call Evan and go, Edwin, they just closed the one, the 105, what do I do? And one night,

I had to come home off the two. So I went through, I came off in Silver Lake, like by, Colorado Road there. Felipe used to live. And as I went on Sunside, I lived on Shreda.

Doug, that's how I met this guy. Out of light, we made eye contact. Like, he was standing there, like with shirt on. flip-flops like it was summertime he was out there sweating it was like one in the morning and I was head at the cop and he was just like on the thing looking at me from the bus stop what you want to do and I asked him what's going on and I pulled all I just pulled over he came over to the driver's side

and in Spanish he asked when I was looking for I told him perico that's he asked me if he didn't even ask me if I was a cop he went in his hand and he crushed something up and he put it in my nose so I couldn't even have a chance If I was a cop and that, I'd give him the amount of money, and he just put the Coke Rock in my hand and I'd drive home like the Domino's Pizza guy. A little Coke Rock in my hand before it would melt and shit. So I had a couple different connects. I was that dark place, George.

I came back now. Oh, my God. I'm just tripping out on it myself. I hated being here. I was getting ready to leave the store. Like I left the store in 2007 around there. And I had already, my mind was already made up. I had to get out of it.

I had the surgery on my neck for the fat ball they took out. So I thought that there was bad spirits at the store. I was fucked up, guys, I was fucked up, bro. I was fucked up. And then Scott called you on this? Like, who hit you up to do piazzo? Scott called me and said, do you want to do piazzleso? At that time, I thought Scott was a fucking piazzo.

I thought Scott was a fucking joke. Plus, Maryland was on it too. Maryland was on it. Maryland got me on there. God bless her so. Yeah, RIP. Marilyn Martinez was who fought for me to get me on there. And if you look at the tape, like those jeans, look at them.

They're $10 jeans. I had combat boots on. The black sweater. I had a shirt with a stain on it. And I was just a fucking mess. You know, I was really, really, really a physical and mental mess. Like I. What got you out?

of it dog it was like a slow yeah you you rent I don't know dog I've reinvented myself but it's still me what I feel like I I don't know dog you've always I remember you podcast at first for all of us from what I know and I is just you're going dog your people know you it's going no no no Rogan did it and then I yeah Felicia and then no but it wasn't like that I'm just thinking about how you really, really, really get yourself sometimes. I was in a really dark plane. I wasn't suicidal.

It wasn't like I was going to kill myself. I just, I had to make a move. In 2006, how old was I was 43 years old. Damn. In 2006, I wasn't no young kid no more. Nothing was really happening for me, bro. I was getting spots at the store. I was 29.

That's it. I was just getting spots at the store. Nothing was really happening for me. I got these movies. I wasn't very much well liked. You know, I'm in Montreal telling me that they didn't like the movement in my hand. But I created my own problem. Exactly.

You know what I'm saying? Let's not blame society. In my head, in my coked-out mind, I would create this fucking wall. There's a tape that if you really want to see how bad I was, you ask Red Band. You call Red Band playing. You go Red Band, email me the link to the Joe show when Joe was talking. That had to be around that time. That had to be around January of 2007 when we did the Joe show.

And I was going to Vegas. Bro, I would get to Vegas with Joe on Thursday, get off the plane. We would do a show on Friday and do the UFC on Saturday. Doug, Joe and those guys would go eat Thursday. We'd go eat, and after that I wouldn't see him until Sunday on the plane. Wow. I had a guy in Vegas who, and at the time the UFC's were big. This is 2006.

I had a guy in Vegas that, you know how you have to get a key to go upstairs? People just knock on your door. You call him. No way. You were all the hotel security. He paid a vape to all the securities. So he would bring me fucking Coke and Vicodinus. That's a crazy mixture right there.

And bro, I would start eating the viking. It was like two or three or four or five of them. I don't know what I was eating. And they don't make you no better either. They take you into a dark fucking cave. Fuck you. I smoked them on a blunt once. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. No, no, no, no. But I would get, talk, I was in a dark, I don't know. I think I got, when I got the two cats, when I got Demi and Harry, Dimmie started making me laugh. Yeah. I had this kitten.

I would go home at night and play with you. this kitten and then by June of 2007 I knew something had to happen so I signed up in that little rehab on sunset strip under a fake name okay I went to a couple meetings and I tried it out but I couldn't pull it off bro somebody said to me one of you in the longest yard and I just said no and I got out of it you were like Mickey Rorke and the rest of them and he's cutting me yeah yeah yeah Your battle ran that full starts. Couldn't have. He cut his arm and shit and ran out of it.

Pushing the chips. It was just a horrible, fucking one of my head was at. And then I started doing heroin. Fuck. That's... And that was just... Yeah. I'm telling you, you have no idea how lucky we are to be having a conversation here.

I know. Because, like, I remember shooting Pia, so I did not want to be there at all. It was, like, it was an inconvenience to finally do something. that I wanted to do. That's how twisted and demented. I know what you mean. You're like, you've been wanting to do this shit and you're in this moment. All your life.

Yeah. And now I give it to you and now you don't want to do it. Now you're fucking bitching. I didn't stay in the hotel. I gave it to Dave. Yeah. They gave us like champagne and something else. I gave it away.

All I wanted was the money and I wanted to get the fuck out of it. Yeah. That was it. I didn't care about the art. I didn't care about anything. If you look at the set. It's a fucking horror show. Yeah.

And all I was looking for was the light. Because that light meant the big Coke rock. Yeah. When that light came up, I wasn't doing like, people who run the light. You're not going to see me running the light. I never forget getting that check. And like, they're like, we're having an after party. And me going on me each at the after party.

And dog, I got in that fucking car. And I remember them calling me like, where are you? And I saw that sign like 19 miles from L.A. And I was like, I'm already. And Dave said to me, dog, you didn't give me the key for your hotel room. Because Dave wanted the extra hotel room for him and Maryland because I got a big room or some shit. When he called me and said that they got on Showtime, I can't tell you how bad I felt. Because you didn't give it your all in your full home.

I cannot tell you how bad I felt. I thought you did good, dog. I knew that they had a, bro, I was bombing. Those people were pure Mexicans that didn't have a sense of humor. I seen them laughing, dog But there was some like, yeah Oh, because they like Alex Ramundo They thought there was gonna be a night when Alex Ramundo

Were flicking your hair And drinking tequila shots and shit No, I feel you on that I'm out there like a fucking animal Savage Fucking and sucking and they were frozen Did we do two shows or one? We did two shows

Two shows we didn't sell it out No They were taking people off the street It was embarrassing From the first show They asked them to stay on the second Yeah, they asked him to stay for the second. It just wasn't what I expected it to be.

And then the smack in the face was the reality, the call from him going. It got picked up. Got picked up. And after they gave me the money, I didn't want to do the interviews. They kept begging me, when you do the interview, no. I don't want to have no part of it. Because I had done so many of those at that point. That I was sick and tired of getting my check.

I had done so many Latino pilots at that time with so many different. I remember doing Latino pilot in San Antonio with the back was a castle, the Latin, you know, the Latin squires of comedy. I did the Spanish kings of comedy. I did 20 of those pilots just for the paycheck. Yeah, it was keeping you a boat. They never went anywhere. What's the kid that books the room close by here on third?

Nice kid. Looks like Delaware for years. do the Delahoy impersonations. I don't know. Sweet kid. You know, the money, you ain't going to get rich with him. Yeah.

He used to book a room. I don't know. I'll never forget, like in 2005, after I shot the longest yard, he had 20 cameras at the Ha-ha. He paid me 800 flat. Again, part of the deal was, what time are we shooting?

715. I want to be out of that by 7.30. Damn. You do? You'll do it? I go, yeah, 800 bucks. Do you know that that fool still calls? me once every six months is, hey man,

we just got good news. Toulamundo might pick it up on my dog. That was 10 years ago. Nobody wants to see that. Who the fuck is this person? I want to know now. And he got a finance? He got like a drug dealer. Oh shit. They built the set at the ha-ha

and the drug dealer sat like on the throne with three fat, ugly Mexican bitches that had been beat up a thousand times. Their feet was busted. You could tell that they were fail they even failed to be in hoes like yeah i'm not kidding i know what you mean i am not fucking kidding you the headliner was gilbert oh shit with the yellow suit on and the preacher bible

like it was on like i brought shot so many of those things but i shot one with carlos oscar i shot one when they came to me they said i couldn't be dirty what's the one we shot for jeff valdez the first one uh the first one i shot with jeff valdez deen no comedy festival What you know comment I shot everything that was a weird one I remember Willie hosted that one then we shot the one at the ice house for the other guy So yeah locals local local jam So I don't like locals made it though right? Okay locals made it so I'm like 22 of them that I shot Three of them made it so you just assumed everyone was gonna fail Yeah at that point everybody kept lying to me how would you feel if there's a time you don't know either right you don't know you're hoping that and then they tell you a story like yeah a

HBO is going to be there. And then you blow the room up and you're waiting for your reel. I'll wait until you get one of those, Lee. Yeah, it didn't even give you real. Wait until you got a movie and you want your real. They're like, you have to wait until the movie gets released. Okay. And then once the movie get released, you're like, can I get a real?

You have to wait because there's the DVD. And you're like, what the fuck? You know how many of those things I did that I got the real from? Zero. After you shoot it, they just stop calling it. Because 10 of them were drunk dealing. induced. Telling those things, we were just talking about one I did up with

porno. Me, Sam Tripoli, Jason, what's his name? Tebow? Tebow. Okay. Duncan. And what about that movie you did with Felipe where you're like this sheriff? Oh my God. How bad was that? I don't know. Like, where were you in that time in life? Were you all crazy

coked out? Oh, yeah. Because you look like a crazy fucking cop in that shit. Look what to see what my MD be. I think I was clean by that time. All right. I think I think I was making the transition. Maybe, maybe not. I'm not sure.

That move was called a departed. The fucking director had the worst wig you had ever seen, and I got to be honest with you. I'm no genius. I got to look back on the seventh grade. I'm a Cuban that cannot play baseball, so I cannot judge anybody. This guy was the worst fucking director I ever worked with it all my life. It was a Nick Taturo special. You got these Filipino investors that then invested in Felipe Spars' move.

The eye. Yeah. What's the name of that movie that Felipe did? I'm not like that no more. I'm not like that no more. So look at the departed. The departed on my MDB. Weirdly do you think it was?

I'm just saying, 2006, 2007. Deported. The deported. The deported. The deported. It's on my MDB. There it is. 09.

Oh, nine. Yeah, I was clean. Okay. I was clean and sober by that. Yeah, but that movie was the, You know, these are movies that you're shooting them. You'd, listen. Doc, I, Taco Shop, I didn't even think it would make it either.

And that's a problem that you have. Like, when I shot Spider-Man 2, I knew that it was there. That it was there. When I shot basketball, I didn't think I was going to make the cut. No? No, because I didn't know what I was doing. What about Grudge Match? I knew I was going to make the cut.

Okay. But then there's movies that, I'm not talking about a studio movie. I'm talking about a movie that you shoot that people tell you. like an independent film okay like last night the guy the host at the comedy store told the story about he got hired as a transsexual

as a tranny in the thing and a movie and it was funny when I went back to I go I got to tell you what happened to me right after Seinfeld all the Seinfeld writers got huge deals

if you were a writer on Seinfeld you got a huge deal and there was just one guy nope I'm not insulting anybody I'm just breaking it down so Lee knows the type of guy I'm talking about he was Jewish but he was white privileged Jew yeah he had become white he had forgotten his roots and he was trying to talk

all that Hollywood bullshit and he should want to shoot a TV pilot for NBC they paid me NBC rates and everything they paid they didn't give me great money but they gave me okay money and to be honest at you it was the office like I can't tell you how many things I've shot that two years later became huge. We were just two years ahead of its time. Okay. Well, they missed the detail or something happened. The showrunner didn't do good or something. Something happened. This was a pretty good show about an office. I forget who the stars were. They called me in to an early shoot and they shot me out real quick. That was part of the deal when they, when I booked the deal, that there was not going to be any overtime. Yeah. That they wanted me to understand.

It was going to be a 6 a.m. shoot and I'd be out of there by 9. They shot at CBS Radford. And it was the original office. And for the one day, for somebody's birthday, the original scene was that I came in with a pair of underwear and that they hit me with a cake in the face. All right. Now, if I wasn't coked out, I would have never done that.

Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. But it paid like $3,000 just for that morning. Plus, I gave a fuck about it. insurance and sag for I always always worried about sag insurance you got to make a certain amount of not they won't fucking okay so when I booked it like that when I went the wardrobe to try on the underwear the writer the white the Jew that become a white privileged guy said you know it would be very funny if you put makeup on and did this and I'm fucking fuming I'm like no I wouldn't I don't even like dressing up like a woman like that shit

Yeah, I don't, I'm one of those guys that ain't funny to me. I don't play that either. When a guy plays a dress and comes out, then don't. Even though that dude special was very good, I forget what his name was, where he wore a dress. But after the first minute, the shock has gone and you got to wear a dress. Yeah. It's like wearing a fucking Viking shirt to a rate of game. And losing, you know what I'm saying?

After you fucking, you got to wear that shirt home. Yeah. So I argued. I had a shit agent. I told my agent, I really don't want to do it. And they just gave me an ultimatum. They said either he dresses up or we'll find somebody else. And it was, you know, and it was true they shot in two hours.

But it was one of those things that they dressed me up like a tranny with underwear on and high heels. And they kept hitting me in the face with a pie. We were crazy. And after the fucking fourth shot, I had to, like, call time out and go, I hope you guys got it because I'm done. I got it. Like, I was in a bad fucking. You were ready to start fucking pull up.

And it was like 2000. two or three when Seinfeld got canceled. Was it like in your face dog or like tossed? No, in my face. And it was like four inches of cake with tons of whipped cream and they had like 20 cakes. And after the fourth take, I said, guys, it's over. And they're like, no.

And I go, listen, that's it. Like I muscled them like the fucking Chinese did to the mafia. I go, it's over. And they knew, I go, I ain't doing it again. You guys got it. Yeah. That's it. And they cut it.

And they kept calling me, bro. Every two months, bro, we're going to get picked up. And I'm at home cutting chicken heads off. I'm doing everything I can for this show not to get picked up. Even though I was going to recur in the fucking show at like $9,500 a week or something. Because before they shoot the pilot, they tell you they're going to recur. And they'll give you, and then they're going to pay me $9,200 a week. And every week I was going to do a different stunt as a fat dude.

I don't want to do that. I just did it one time just to get my head together. And that's what I was doing. I was making bad choices just because of the Coke problem. Gotcha. So I wanted, by the time I shot Paiaso, I was just sick and tired of here in Showtime, HBO. Yeah.

I had shot, bro, if I tell you how many HBO specials I shot and how many aired, you'd be like Floyd. Like if I went home and counted them and went through my books, I got to say I shot seven HBO specials with three or four other comics. Wow. And I got picked up. One in Fresno we shot with this black dude. He had a brother's shit at HBO.

My brother's going to open me up and shit. He's friends with Tito Jackson, you know. He knows people. One of those guys that the check was light. They tried to put you in a hotel room with somebody else. You got to step up to the plate. My bad. I didn't know, you know.

I didn't know. Everybody knows. They don't want to fucking, you know, I did all of them. So that was my problem with Paiasso that I was just sick and tired, man. Yeah. was my first ever oh you you guys were excited and i was excited to be there but deep down inside what i was going through was such fucking misery deep down inside deep down inside i was miserable because my comedy wasn't working the coke and the pills weren't helping it my relationship at home was kind of

starting to slip i was losing contact with her in a way because yeah it's the disgust too the hurt that you Yeah, it was it was like I'm not doing this poor girl any fuck it. It's like you said when you're all cooked out, you look in the mirror and you really see yourself. It's scary. It's scary, man. Fuck. Imagine that shit. Lee, look at yourself and yourself is telling you, A dog, you have black eyes.

Oh, it's fucking scary. You're unhealthy. So back to the question. Yes. Did you change in the last 20 years? Do you think that you change is? man i've completely changed as a man and like i could see it now like i'd become a good fucking great father i'm more responsible how's your relationship with this it's dude my kid my oldest son lives with me

my 19 year old he's he's doing things and like we always hey i talk to my kids at least every other day or like i go visit them me and my daughter are real close it's hey bro it's like super continuous action I see you look good, you look healthy. Thank you. Yeah, dog. I'm going to see you doing spots. And it's crazy how, you know, people, I got an opportunity now. You know, I got this Netflix thing coming out.

Congrats, my boy. And again, I feel like, you know, I didn't do the job, but it doesn't matter. I'm proud that Netflix came in the opportunity. And hopefully I'm going to put this node, this tunnel rat tour together. And I'm going to use all you guys. Thank you, brother. People reach out to me all the time. Like, when I'm going to get close to her,

I start getting those weird emails. Whenever you do, Irvine, Brea, Ontario, you get those long-lost brothers that call you that. Yeah. And it bothers me because if they would have kept in contact with me, I'd be cool. But they just come hit you up and they hit you with some line of shit. Me, I like helping the people around me that I see making moves.

People, Jesus helps those who helped themselves. I've always believed, I gotta see you. I'm gonna see you. You know, there's people who call me, I'm like, dog you got to come to my Facebook and shit come do my podcast first thing i do is get off the phone and check their fucking media stuff yeah if i don't see no podcast shit you're wasting my three hours because this is an hour to go down there and i would do it now i'm straight out i can't do it i can't there's a lot you know i have a kid now i got to be there at 220 my day either ends at 220 or at 345

yeah i don't have the time i used to no more that's it tomorrow at 220 i got to pick her up tomorrow that's a wrap that's a wrap that's the podcast i got i do two things I do a meeting this that my day's done that's why I got to walk around at six in the fucking morning at six of the morning I'm walking around writing stupid shit making notes if I go to the coffee shop and catch a breakfast and write notes there I try to work out you always got to do you got to take care of yourself you got to work out a little bit and then boom I pick her up and then I have a little grace time in between and afterward before my spot or another podcast but I'm always fucking

moving guy I never that's why that whole Cabinor thing pissed me off and I wanted to talk to somebody who had been locked up and who was honest. Somebody who was very honest who could look me in the eye and so I'm like, I don't understand. You cannot, if I did something of criminal intent to you, that is a criminal charge, and it's still under whatever, you could still do your thing. But you can't come at me now and say that in high school. I covered your mouth. Yeah, so fucked up shit. I covered your mouth.

That started scaring me for a while. Yeah. I didn't cover no women's mouth and nothing like that, but I've done a lot of other crazy things. I got some shit too. That you got to sit there and say, what is somebody going to come out and go? I did this.

I'm waiting for somebody to come on and say I robbed them. Yeah. I'm going to go, this is episode 228. I told the story on the podcast myself. Yeah. We used to play this game. Like, you know how you ghost ride? You know how you ghost ride your bike?

Yeah. We used to do ghost ride the back seat. Where you just finger bang. If you win, it went. Sometimes this girl just grabbed my hand and made me go to town. Like they knew, I'm like, what's up? You guys down? I'm like, you guys down for ghosts, for ghost-wrath finger-bang?

They'd be like, fuck it. So they'd open their legs and shit in the back to the car and you can't turn around. And you just got to drive and try to get it in. Who does this? We used to do that. You're animals. Why can't you just finger a girl standing in front of them? That's how I want to finger them.

When they're standing in front of me and I can see that monkey, and I can see the look on their face. I've got to be fingering somebody backwards, It's hurt putting that pressure on my elbow. I'm gonna get tennis elbow from finger in the bitch. That's what I need. Can you imagine how did you get tennis elbow? I was fingering the chick backwards.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? We're going to Cleveland, bitch. Thursday. Hell yeah. Ready to go. We got one show Thursday, two Friday, two Saturday. George, I'm very proud of your success. I'm very proud of the change that you made.

And I'm happy you made it on this show. And I want to wish everybody a happy fucking Monday. It's your week. Grab your balls, powder your balls. Whatever you need to do. Last week was last week. This week is this week. I want to thank George.

I want to thank the fucking... The flying Jew has been silent tonight. I want to thank your boy. Give a shout out to his company. That's Biz Woods, B-ZZ-T Woods. They got the best blunts, pre-roll glass, dog. You can see him on fucking Instagram, and he's got it in stores, right? Yeah, yeah.

Okay, and we'll see him out there. Thank you. All right, I want to thank George Perez. I want to thank the Flying Jew. But most importantly, I want to thank you. you guys. Hold on one second. Listen, watching football is fun, but it's more entertaining when you got action on the games, all right? Whether it's hoops, college hoops, hockey that's coming. Guys, you've heard me talking about this for weeks, and some of you are still sitting

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and hilarities. I'm ready to fucking go already. Flyman, slime, whatever the fuck it is on Friday and tear into a pastrami sandwich, all right? And then in two weeks, November 8, me and Kate Quigley kick off the New York Comedy Festival over there and got them on a Thursday night. All right, tickets are available. You know, I love you, motherfuckers. Lee Syatt, my little brother always here, and I want to thank George Perez.

Have a great fucking Monday. Tell them all to suck your dick that Uncle Joey sent you. Kick this fucking meal. See. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some somebody twice as smart as I. A somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. me.

To learn that misery loves company, wait and see, see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits. Let's see if a puzzle fits so fine. When I'll discover that revenge is sweet As I When somebody breaks your heart like you