The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #633 - Theo Von

Episode Date: November 7, 2018

Theo Von, a comedian and host of the "This Past Weekend" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio! This podcast is brought to you by: Stamps.com -  Use code JOEY for a 4 week trial which includes postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the Radio Microphone at the top of the homepage and type in JOEY.   Quip - Go to getquip.com/joey and try their dentist designed electric toothbrush. When you go to getquip.com/joey you get your first refill pack FREE with a quip electric tooth brush.   Ridge Wallet - Use code "church" for 10% off your order at ridgewallet.com/church    

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For starters, you know what I always tell you. Go to quip.com. Go to quip.com and see what the... I'm talking about. This is a phenomenal project product, especially if you're a traveler. So what I'm going to do is this. I love quip. That's why I love quip because they're backed by over 20,000 dental professionals. Quip starts at just $25. And if you get to quip.com slash Joey, right now, you get your first refill pack for free with a quip electric toothbrush. It's a great Christmas gift. I'm telling you right now, you got a girlfriend, a wife, or

husband, somebody don't know that you want to give a present to. This is perfect. That's affordable. And they'll love you forever. So your first refill pact is free at get quipped.com slash joey. Look at Lee, boy. I love Lee, dude. If I could fucking have a, if I had a little bit of a Lee man,

then I could take with me and keep somewhere in a little like a wheelbarrow. But for Lee's, I'd poke Lee in one of those, bro. Sounds nice. Thank you. Yeah, and pillows in there, too. I ain't just putting you in there on the. metal like some people would do you wouldn't put them in the shed in the back

feed them food time of time what are you talking about what do you put you under a warm lamp Lee that's what I would do it's starting to get creepy now it sounds like I'm hostage in both of your houses calm down and be a good pet you little buddy put like a chain around his neck with a fucking chain hook to the wall

and stuff like that yeah but a nice chain like a gold chain I don't know if I go that there's no gold for it you can't put a silk out on a pig you know what I'm saying it's fucking Thursday November 8th kick this fucking meal leak come out that's as good as it fucking gets Theo von praise god a little slime the family stone coming at you the gristle missile

baby Thursday morning what are you fucking nuts 20 to life no parole fresh from Buffalo New York you didn't have a fucking beef on wick I didn't have any dude I didn't somebody threw a piece of meat at me on one of those street corners I don't know if that was wick or not did you it? No, now, WIC is the role. The role is called WIC.

Oh, no. Nobody told me that. I should have come in here first. Be found Wick. No, not, because they took the

travel agent, too. No, no, no, no. I just know what quality is and where. Yeah. And nobody makes

a bad fucking beef on Wick in Buffalo. Like, it's like a disgrace for them. Really? Yeah, it'd be like

disgrace for them that's known. Right. That's what's known for. Yeah, I feel bad. I feel disappointed that I didn't get that

shit. Five. Some fucking Paragi's like dumplings only you know it's not cat. Yeah. For people like Lee and shit. I don't mind a little bit of cat, but you've ever had fox meat, Lee?

I don't think so, have you? Yeah, I've had Fox, man. What was this? It's more ligament than muscle, but it's good, you know? Fox? And dude, the crazy thing about Fox, I was talking about this yesterday to somebody, but... Did you ever hunt?

No, uh. We caught a lot of shit, though, and we used to bury animals. We lived by, like, a road where a lot of animals would get hit and killed, so we bury them. You know, the first animals, I spent the most time with where animals that had been hit by vehicles. And so we would bury mostly dogs.

What else? I think something else one time. This thing looked like a damn fucking small bear, bro. And it could have been, dude, because they have Louisiana black bears a lot of things, you know. And I'm not saying they're black or anything like that. I'm just saying they happen to be black when people see them. And they're just, you know, but we would bury all kind of animals. that would get hit by us.

What are you a fucking undertake? I see a dead animal. I leave it the fuck alone. It's bad luck. Yeah, but it was, I don't think... If they were alive and they were suffering, then you shoot them in the leg or whatever the fuck you do. But if they're dead,

this is the Department of Public Works that's in charge of cleaning up that animals. Yeah, but the Department of Public Works, I think comes for people that are paying taxes and people that got, you know, they didn't come bust. Dude, they had some... They had a veterinarian or something, or like a... Somebody used to kill, throw... dead animal carcasses in a ditch outside of our house, right, for like seven years. My mother

would call every week. What kind of dead animals? On big animals, too. Did you grow up in Africa? No, I fucking got it. What fuck? Did you grow up? Carcasses? Louisiana. We had a couple cats and ponsons in my neighborhood. The dog from time of time would walk around. Look, and I wish I would have had that, man. But we had somebody, they had a, uh, I guess this person was a veteran area. And that's somebody that deals with animals, helps animals out. And so this person would come and whoever they were at night, they're throwing dead animals. You know, instead of paying to get rid of them, they probably cost maybe $7 to get rid of them, you know, whatever. I'm sure there's legitimate thoroughfares how you get rid of animals.

But this dude's out there, you know, chucking them in the ditch, I guess, on his way home. Because our neighborhood was kind of a cut through between like a nice area and town. So, um... You never did like a stakeout to see who was throwing animal carcasses? Dude, we're not. No, I mean, we were out there a lot, but we never saw the guy unless he drove by. and didn't throw one out because we were out there. But then what creep kind of sits next to an animal car?

I mean, he'd probably throw it out elsewhere. But anyway, but anyway, yeah, we go out there all the time. My mother would call every week. Come get these out, you know. The kids are out there beating each other with people chasing each other with fucking, you know, fucking horse skulls and shit, bro. It was, it was, wow. Oh, wow. Joey, if I got that Christmas tea kettle and he fucking serve and leave a couple cups, right?

Damn, boy! Big Lita Fart Spuns, baby. Welcome to Africa, Lee. Normally I like all your sayings. I don't like the Farts Spurs. Sorry. Sorry, but. And I'm just joking about that.

I didn't mean that. I would never say that about the thing. No, it's funny, but he's going to take a liking to it. It's been like two podcasts since he farted on me. Oh, dude, in some countries, that's, in Japan, that's like, that's like buying somebody a scarf. No, it's not. You fart on somebody. I don't know I'm half Japanese.

There you know. Oh, dude, yeah. That's why I'm over here fart. Oh, he's got the thighs of a fucking kung fu fighter, son. I'm telling you, Doug. Dude, you got to know different nomenclatures and how to give a hug, bro. In Africa, they hit you with a fucking pipe, bro, if they love you. Just take a whiff of that fart.

I'm not going to take a whiff of your fart. Come on, bro. Get a little air appetizer, bro. Treat your nose. That is tremendous. Treat your snout to some of that fucking free booty pasta, bro, bro. Oh, my God. Poor fucking Lee.

Lee, man. Dude, it's so funny. You know, sometimes I'm not even joking about when I would need to think about something good, dude. I think about Lee, man. Well, thank you. That means a lot. Yeah, I think about you.

I think about you to laugh. I mean, just the stuff you say randomly. I just want to hang out and, like, listen to what you say during the day to yourself. I feel like it's hysterical. This conversation is getting creepy right here already. Well, you just farted on me. I think Lee might be a little cusset-on.

Oh, yeah. I know what you're talking about. Shopping for peppermint, they call it. I think he's coming out of the closet pretty soon. They say, hey, you know, the boy over there, little Lawrence. I don't care either, bro. I'll let you hang off my dick like a fucking mountain cat. No, I would never let Lisa.

Not you guys, but I don't have the same relationship with him. Yeah, but you're still friends. I'm a friend with him. I wouldn't fuck him. I would let him touch my dick a little. You know what I'm saying? Down around the holidays, bro? Just to make his day.

Oh, he's a prison ham, this guy, bro. I fucking love that boy. You know how much money? I told Lee won't walk and leave one night. How much money we can make with Lee on the inside. Oh, my God. Just sitting on people's laps. Dealing cards.

They're rubbing their dick. Yeah. I'm glad we're bringing this back. You can't just sit on someone's lap, but they're not going to let it end. Just lap sitting. Bro. They're not in prison because they know how to hold back. In Gary, Indiana, you're an eight, bro.

A womp female. In Gary, Indiana, dog, you're a female eight, baby. I got a guy that'll pay 10 G's for you to put a wig on. Oh, yeah. special type of podcast and just mug his dick with your fucking neck he's already ripped me a letter what does that even mean mug a dick lee you got to get out more get off the internet bro you got to go hitchhiking man i really don't want i don't want to now you should go hitchhiking way one day as a school project yeah i'm gonna end up dead what school are you and are you doing classes

online no i need to be classes here this is the only how old are you lee 30 now are you really yeah i thought you were like 19 dude i wish are you really 30 years old. Yeah. He's 30 years old. Oh my God, bro. My whole perception of you, I thought you were like a like a, you know, he was a an intern. He first came in here. Oh, wow. But look at him now. Now he's a fucking young

man. That's awesome. Now you don't like me as much. You like that? No, it's just different. You ever notice when you learn something about somebody you didn't know, you know? Like you see somebody and they're like a lawyer or something, but then you realize they're like a sorcerer or something. Or they do shady

shady shit. You see them like ballroom dancing? and you're like, this fucking guy ballroom dances? That always takes my brain a minute or if you see a big, big person and they got their stomach stapled and now, dude, I was at a pool one time and I used to work on this farm in the summertime

in Natchez, Mississippi. And they had, and this dude, Don Blankenstein was the pool guy every year, right? And he'd come out there and I'd keep an eye on them because the dude weighed probably seven or 800 pounds, bro. You know what I'm saying? He broke the gate every time he, come in. He was the lifeguard?

He was out. He was how you know? I can give a lifeguard. He gets in the pool? Trust me, nobody's drowning, all the water's out and the fucking kid who's sick is laying right there to speak. No, he was the big. He was the guy

who came to put the cleaner in the pool. And so, but he'd open the gate, bro, and every time he'd walk through it and bring both sides to the gate down. Like, he was just a, he was going to die soon, you know, when you saw him. You know, so you treated him well. And that's one thing I like sometimes about seeing huge people that

remind you how to treat other people because you're like oh this person isn't going to be alive very long so you would be extra nice to him and so but then done once i'm i'm out there laying by the pool and uh and this skinny guy comes in you know he could have fit through the gate with 90 of his fucking you know quintuplea or whatever and he comes through the gate and i'm like who and he keeps talking to me and i'm thinking the guy's kind of a you know peppermint hunter bra you know what i'm saying a little tender and it's you know what i'm saying a little tender and it's It turns out it's Don Blankenstein. He got the stomach thing and he lost all the weight.

And he was a different person, though. He wasn't the same. I don't know, it wasn't the same. And our relationship was never the same as when he lost the weight. Think of them when they take away your passion. I don't know what we're talking about. Think about when somebody takes away your passion. If you're an eater.

Yeah. And, you know, it's like when you first get sober. Yeah. You know, I was telling Rogan the other day, the worst two words in a person's life is sober. in diet. I don't want to be involved in drugs. Yeah. I don't want to be sober either. Yeah. I never want to be sober because it would make my battle, my inner battle too rough. Yeah. I know my limits with cocaine. I know my limits with pills. I know my limits with alcohol. I've known my limits when I was 25. Anything I did

after 25 I did because I wanted to, but I knew my limits. Right. You know, when I went, when I got locked up, I couldn't imagine a world where I couldn't smoke pot. Wow. You couldn't imagine that? I couldn't imagine it. Okay, cocaine. I understand not having a girlfriend. I understand being broke.

But I never understood a world where I did not smoke weed. Huh? When I was 25 years old, weed controlled my mood. What did it do for you, you think? I was in so much pain when I woke up. And I didn't know that then. You never know it when you're going through. Yeah, yeah.

You don't know. It takes 20 years to look back. You know, I was thinking about it tonight, how I was taking a shower, that if I quit comedy tomorrow, you would be to sign back up in college and take a psychology class to become a psychiatrist. And do whatever I had to take, I'd probably be 65. But at 65, I would help so many people so deeper. Yeah. Because I went through it.

Yeah. This is not somebody who studied it. I went through it, wrote about it, looked at it, I think about it, I think about what made you. I broke it down from the macro to the micro. You could put yourself in there. You could put them in your shoes and vice versa. When you become a comedian, if you're not brutally honest with yourself, it's not going to end well. Wow.

And in life, in life in general, forget about comedy, and life in general. Forget about comedy. and life in general, if you're not brutally honest with yourself, it's not going to pan out for you. Yeah. You have to be brutally honest, and a lot of people can't be honest, brutally honest with yourself. Like, this is not going to work.

You know, it's like I went at 27, 29. Like, in what fat? At the age of 30, I had made a decision to do comedy. But I also had to make a decision about this hell I was living in. I was living in this party hell, okay? The drugs and this stuff. Where I would be clean for three days. Oh, yeah.

And then snap one night and then tell myself how this was the last time. Yeah. I wasn't one of those pussies at a party that was talking about it. By this time I was partying by myself. And this went on for maybe a year and a half. Yeah. And I think by 1995 and a half, I came to the conclusion. like they say in the program,

that you're a fucking junkie. Yeah. And I had two decisions to make. I go, I could either be a junkie and keep fighting this. But the reason why I became a comic was to be a junkie. I read that Lenny Bruce book, and that's the reason

why I got into comedy. So if I'm going to get into comedy, let's make a deal. I'll do cocaine three times a week. And that's how it started. I just came to terms of it. Wow. So you're thinking I'm going to get into comedy so I could do cocaine. I was thinking I wasn't going to got into comedy to have a life. I read that book. We slept with strippers. He opened up

jazz musicians. And I was content with that. And none of that book, we talk about being rich. Yeah. Okay? And no part of that book, they talk about being rich. They talk about money. He lived at the Chelsea Hotel. He just talked a life about being what was happy for him. Yeah. And at that time, that's all I wanted. I had been through a terrible marriage. I had already done time so I was just seeking to be happy but I knew I had a mend inside because you was a real you had a deviant soul your soul was pretty sound like kind of bifurcated or I was I was living you know this wasn't who I was a nice Catholic boy who I believed in heaven and hell and I had a belief system your inside didn't match all your behavior right my inside

the nuts that added to it yeah so now I had to have now I had to have that in a conflict with drugs fuck you this is who I am I've accepted it yeah and whatever happens happens that's it no fucking big deal nobody gets their feelings hunting Easter eggs again Lee you found one huh

you found an egg boy welcome to Easter bro y'all killed Jesus here he comes back boy and he brought a dirty bag of fucking baked ham out of a fucking cave this smells worse than your neck this smells like those undurines feet that are walking here yeah boy it smells like fucking Thanksgiving night Imagine no Honduran sick their shoes off at night and sleep under a tree.

I can't even imagine. What that little summer camp must smell like down there? They've been walking for 20 fucking days, those poor people. Oh, Hondurans will walk 30 hours in a 22 hour a day. 20 fucking days. And they're really coming. What are they going to do up here, do you think? I think they're trying to seek asylum.

You know, living in Honduras or Salvador right now, those are not good places to live right now. Means me sad, man. Yeah, my father's from Nicaragua. You know that my father's born down there. If you know anything about Central America. I know like El Salvador is The prices are high. They're killing people down there You know, there's a lady who I talked to from time and time

And she tells me she goes only for Christmas time And that she has a house down there, but she can't retire down there. Oh, wow Because they just kill you on the streets and there's more murders Something like that to that effect So I don't know if it's El Salvador I'm just cracking the joke But right, but yeah, if that's your neighbor things can be great where you are

If that's the neighborhood you're in you know That's heartbreaking It's a different you know It's like when you read the Roberto Duran book, you know, he grew up on the streets of Panama. You know, he grew up with this guy that was called Omagico or some shit. And the guy was like a shaman. And he taught him how to hustle on the streets and live on the streets.

You know, that's Central America. You know, if you ever watch Miami Vice, either the second or third episode of Miami Vice. I read the book, I think. There's no fucking book. There's an interesting scene where, There's little kids. What are you laughing at me for a late?

I'm not, I'm not thinking of both of you. I don't know what I was right. There's little boys in the room. Oh, wow. There's a drug dealer cutting the deal. There's a drug dealer cutting the deal, but he's got like a coin. Yeah. And his hand.

And there's like four, eight-year-old with no shoes on in the room in different corners. Jesus. Is it a magic trick? No, no, no, no. And he's talking a business deal. It's like you come in to me and you want to buy. 20 kilos of below. Okay. And what are the little boys doing?

They're chilling. They're like fucking assassins. Oh, really? The eight-year-old assassins that come from fucking huts with their family. Jesus. And they're just waiting for their next assignment. They're all probably packing a gun or a knife, and they got no shoes on. But this drug dealer

would play with a coin, and he would talk to the people with the way I'm talking to you. And they're from time to time, it would just flip the coin in the air. When that coin landed, One of those shoelicks kids would run out and fucking pick it up like it was a fortune. Wow. You know, and I remember thinking years later about that scene. That's how, you know, Pablo Escobar got those kids to love him in Columbia.

Yeah. He went to the poor kids that had no options. And he said, no, I'm going to put a thousand in your pocket every week. But you're going to kill motherfuckers for me. Just like that. No questions asked. But it gave him a feeling of purpose. You know, I mean, money talks and bullshit walks.

At the end of the day, money talks and bullshit. Really does. I can blow smoke up your ass, or I can put two G-notes in your week and your hand every week, but you've never had a dollar bill in your hand. Yeah. And tell you, looker, I'm just going to send you to people's houses. Yeah. I want you to slit their throats, kill their kids, their mothers, the dogs.

Jesus. If they got goldfish, I want you to poison them too. Jesus. You know, that's how do you think? With rat poison or something? Whatever. It's just a point. That's fucking fish, boy.

It's just the fucking point I'm trying to make that. That's how you get, you know, take an American ghetto here. You know, that's why they call it a whatever social, social color economic. They call it a crisis. Not a crisis. It's coming from somewhere poor. Yeah. And what you need to do to get out of that situation.

Yeah, you don't know anything better, man. And yeah, you just, I mean, dude, they had this guy when I was growing up, Medi, right? And he could have been fucking 13, he could have been about 16 or fucking 50, right? I don't know what he was. But he always drove, he had a 5.0 Mustang, you know, or he drew 5.0 on the side of it or whatever. I don't even remember. It could have

been a fucking, it could have been a, you know, a Pontiac Renault or whatever. I don't know what it was. But he always had these two girls, bro, sitting on the back of it. And that dude was the king, you know? Whatever he said when I was a kid, we would have done it. Because to him, he was the king. He had a piece. He had a a shit Mustang, but he had the Mustang, you know? And he was a champ and he would buy, you know, the chicks would have like, uh,

daquery drinks, bro. And every now then he'd floor it and one of them would go rolling out the fucking back right onto the concrete, bro. What do you do for a living? I don't know. And I didn't care. But if he would have said something to do, like come do the, like when I was a kid, I would have done anything he said because he hung out with us and he spent time with us.

You know, he threw the football around with us. And he was a good guy, I think, you know. I mean, I still think he is a good guy. How old than you was? He probably maybe seven, eight, 10,

12 years. But he like could drive. He had like the ability, you know, he had a car. He had women. He had, you know,

he had things that when you were, you know, an adolescent, 12 years old, 11 years old. You see that. You're like, oh,

this guy has mobility. You know, this guy has ability. This guy has women. He has everything. So anyway, I'm just saying I can see how, yeah,

you're not thinking about anything else when you're that age and you have nothing. When you're young, when when you're young, young and you get influenced. I wouldn't get influenced.

But I'd look at guys. There was this guy that I hung out with that was always at the bar in the daytime. He was really good looking. Not Samuel, huh? No, no. If I was 17, he was probably 22. No, I think he's got Samuel. He was a bunch of guys that hung out.

But I'm thinking about him in particular. and he drove a Corvette, he didn't have a job. And what the scam was, he worked half the year, and then the other half in those days, you would collect an employment. Oh, yeah.

You'd get a boss that would tell you, I'm going to lay you off for six months. You'd like an employment. Party cripples, they used to call him by us. And then you'd either take book or sell Coke, and that's a great living, because you're clearing $1,600 a month already. You sell Coke, you know,

and this guy would drive a corvette, that he was a piece of shit or he wasn't a piece of shit. He probably was. He wasn't a piece of shit. He didn't have no careers. Right. He wasn't a role model. But his girlfriend owned the business and she had money.

Yeah. And I remember how that appealed to me for about a month. And I was like, there's no appeal in that. I want my own money. Right. You know what I'm saying? Like you learn through life. Like for a month, he impressed me that he had a girlfriend that paid the bills.

But even at that early age, He didn't impress me because he ain't paying the fucking bills. Not that I could pay the bills at that time either. I could pay no bills. I was 40. But it's just crazy to people that you look at and you're impressed with. It's like when you watch those fucking movies, like I was watching The United Empire was on.

You ever watch Empire? It's like the worst drug movie in the world. But it's on BET once a month. It's one of those movies that's always on between 7 and 9. You got to spot at the store at 1030. Oh, yeah. And you got no choice but to watch it because there's nothing else on fucking TV. Yeah.

It's either that or bull racing live from Bulgaria on ESPN, some shit. And there's one scene where a guy goes up to him, John Ligazamble is like a street drug dealer. Yeah. And he goes up to him. And he's like, hey, man, I really want to, can I cut you a deal? And he goes, I want this new PlayStation. Blah, blah, blah, blah, bah. And John goes, how much is it?

he goes it's 300 dollars the kid goes 300 dollars and the kid who wants the money he goes no it's 299 and leg is armor goes i'll give you the money but you got to do stuff for me oh yeah you got to claim my cause to help me god if you you know like he's telling him what he has to do when he buys in the game and shit like that you know those kids grow up wanting to be a drug dealer oh yeah yeah right because that's the first person that's the first person who gets Yeah. Yeah, that's interesting. Your first influence, how does that, yeah, where that first influence is not your dad, how much that influences you. That's interesting. It's really weird. And it happens with comedy. It happens with anything that you, but it happens when you're a young man. I was confused as fuck. At 21, I was confused as fuck. Oh, yeah. Because I didn't want to work. I wanted a fucking new car. I wanted money and I wanted bitches and I want to Coke. Where's the work, Joey? And I really thought that the fucking bluebird happiness is going to just drop it off at my door. Wow.

Like I can look to use both in the eye right now and tell you, like, I had no idea about hard work. I wasn't a lazy person. Right. But I work. Who wants to work? Yeah. Why don't I try to put something together so I can hang out the bar in the daytime and then I don't have to go to work. I mean, that was my deal from day one.

As long as I didn't have to work in the daytime, I didn't give a fuck. Do you ever think that, like, you know, you wanted to, you know, have like a, you know, like a, do you ever think that you wanted to have a, fuck, man, I forgot I was going to ask you. You don't even smoke weed no more. You better get your shit together. I'll start smoking again. I don't know what happens. Jesus fucking Christ. This is what happens when you get sober.

You get retarded. What did you go to college for to get stupid? That's like fucking Michael Corleone and see that at the end of the. the godfather. Damn, man. I couldn't have any idea coming to my head, man. No, I think it's funny how, yeah, what your influencers are, you know, the first person you see do this or that. But then, yeah, sometimes you are able to see past that. Like, yeah, there's some people, you know, we had this dude by us, like, you know, and this guy now runs a tree company, right? This guy Senator Larned. And he had a, dude, they used to do this thing where they had a lot of sinkholes.

I grew up running a lot of sinkholes. You know, I mean, you'd have somebody, you'd, Play hide and go seeking. Somebody you fucking, you fucking, you go knock on somebody's door. And next day, their whole fucking house is gone. You know, it's like, I grew up in a lot of Louisiana, like half of it's sinking. You know, it's like a sinking environment. So where are you from in Louisiana, exactly? Covington.

Covington, Louisiana. Where am I in Covington? Covington is about 50 miles north of New Orleans. That's it. Yeah. Did they get affected by Katrina? Yeah, yeah. Everybody lost their roofs.

That's a big, like over there. The houses didn't fall down. People lost their roofs. So when you were growing up, what was Covington like? Was it a fucking deathbed? Was it a project? Was it middle range? No, it was.

Your parents have a little bit of money, enough to sustain. No, my dad was fucking old as fuck, dude. I think he was always sleeping on the couch. He used to go drink at this bar called Tony Padonis, and he would take me over there during the day. And the lady would see how many chocolates I could put in my mouth. One of the bartenders back there. Big Jan at this fucking big guy.

Did you have nice clothes? My mother dressed us poorly, man. I don't know where she learned a dress, like out of an Indian shop and like a Native American catalog. Did you need for shoes? Did you need shoes? No. It wasn't like you lived off hand-me-downs or anything.

So Covington is not like, you know, some fucking neighborhood that's, you know, where your dog is missing. No, I lived all, like I got hand-me-down clothes, but I didn't get hand-me-down shoes. Like every year my mother got us a pair of shoes, you know. My mom did the holidays real. What's your mom do for a little? Living. Delivery.

Delivery. What? Newspapers, cookies, magazines. What about your dad? They used to a magazine called News on Wheels. Remember that magazine? You could go to the dime store, whatever, the gas station. My dad didn't do anything. Oh, you know what my dad used to do, actually? This is funny. He used to go to the guy. He used to go to colleges. Remember what they had to do that the colleges that would sign people up for credit cards, you know?

Some fucking old dude barking over there throwing frisbies at kids and shit, you know? said that my dad had that job this towards the end of his life my parents weren't together anymore but my dad had that job and he would take me there with him he let me drive him i'm 12 years old right ahead a little gross spurt i was that 510 that fucking lean bad boy you know ligaments only son dude sometimes it wasn't even bones part of me was just ligaments reaching out and hoping that the marrow caught up you know that's the kind of guy I was what did your dad do for a living for i don't uh he used to be like a travel agent you know he used to be like a travel agent you know he He did a lot of crew, like he would sign people up for cruises and stuff between Puerto

Viata. Where's that at? Mexico. Yeah, between Mexico and America. What you got to do in geography? In Central America. Jesus Christ, but I got to deal with you. I walk in his room, dude.

I fucking can't think of nothing. You don't know what Puerto Vallada is. Even I know that. I'm a dumb fuck. Yeah. So there in Central America and he was like a travel agent, I guess. What did he do when he was young? He wrote for the newspaper.

You know, he had a fairer. family. He, you know, he was kind of European in a lot of ways. He liked to be, you know, he worked with the church. He liked to do a lot of, he liked to just sit at like the coffee place and talk, you know. I think he drank a good bit. How do you feel about religion at this point in your life? I need a, I need a higher power, you know. And, you know, for me. What were you raised? I was raised probably Christian, you know, for definitely. I mean, but nothing heavily. I just always wanted there to be a higher power, you know. I used to pray at night and that sort of thing.

But, you know, now I just need it to be a higher power because I want to have faith. You know, otherwise, I feel like you feel alone a lot. There you go. Hit him with that fucking Christmas hitter, bro. That's a fucking... That's a little water on you. That's the fucking booty star of David, bro. At least that.

Fucking, damn. This stuff is tremendous. That air calamari, bro. You hit him with it. God damn. I can't even imagine with this. Can't wait for me from New York. fucking hit.

Oh, this protein potter. That's right. The other protein potter. This is straight out. You've been drinking Aquavel, but some of that shit. Okay, damn. I got the vanilla on it. I switched it up.

It switched them. You ever accidentally buy strawberries? You ever accidentally buy strawberry? No, no, no. Oh, that's the worst. You get home? They got Mexican chocolate and the vanilla. Oh, dude.

And the Mexican chocolate's off the hook. And the vanilla is not bad either, but I switched the vanilla today. The Mexican chocolate, you reach in for the scoop in a night fucking pot. I'm gonna fucking like carry at the end of the carry when she grabs a head through the rocks. What's the matter? Dude, but this guy. What do you mean what's the matter?

You fucking farted on me three times in 30 minutes. You're inhaling it to your mouth. Yeah, make a wish. Yeah, I don't want to smell it. You don't want to smell it, but it's gone down, dude. What am I supposed to breathe? You're a little whiff for this. Come on, bro.

Yeah. Just a little whiff for this. Dude, that's a little bit. All about. Three parts, you're out. You fucking blowing this dude out. His eyes are. starting to

fucking heat up. Look at him, dude. I'm sorry, Lee, man, I feel like I'm being rude. No, no, you're fine.

Lee loves all this shit. Yeah. If there's an opening in that wheelbarrow, go get that wheelbarrow. And it's got pillars in it too. That'd be nice. And I put you out there

under a lamp like a nice. So how old were you when you were driving your dad to campus? Dude, I was 12 years old. So that put him at 80? Yeah,

he was 82. So he was driving. He'd sleep on the way there. I'd stop on my buddy's house, dude, long as he was resting. Because I was fucking showing off. I had a Delta 88.

Suddenly my friends are still, you know, going through adolescence, you know, inside trying to, you know, blow a flute to get their dick to fucking get taller. You know, like they see on those commercials in India. And fucking here I am pulling up, you know, in a cutlass in a Delta 88. I go in. I'm like, bro, come out, get in the back seat. Let's go for a ride, right? So my buddy Scott get back there. And we would just fucking cruise around.

dude my dad's sleeping, right? And here was the thing, my dad's neck was real bad, so even if he woke up, I would just tell Scott, keep it quiet back there for a minute, you know? I'll just tell him we're lost or getting gas or something. And then my dad would go back to sleep, and I'd cruise around a little more and then take my buddy back. I mean, dude, at 12, 13 years old, a friend picking you up, we pulled up with a sleeping senior citizen dude.

People thought that we were fucking, you know, kidnappers, brus. Senior citizen kidn mish. That's how you blow up and out of him while he's sleeping. shit. I think maybe we smoked a cigarette, but then one time, bro. Dude, one time I do remember this, I'm driving back from Ham in Louisiana. And, oh, so this is how I kind of got in,

I don't know if it's how I got in a comedy, but this is the first time ever really spoke in front of people. My dad would give people to sign up for the credit cards, and he got $1.50 from the company, whatever, and college kid to sign up, and now looking back, it's like getting college kids to sign up for a credit card,

he probably started half of the fucking, you know, you know, he probably ruined a lot of people's young lives. That's what they do. That's what they do. That's what they want to do. They want to tangle you up in 19. Right.

As soon as you take that first student loan, you get a credit card. Yeah, that's true. It's automatic. Your name goes out of list. You're eligible. So I'd be on the table. My dad would have me on the table and people come over and I would start barking at them

and getting them to come over, you know. Hey, you know. You know, guy with a nice haircut or something or the black girls a lot of times, you know, they have all the extra hair. You know what I'm talking about? You have a girl of a fucking rope swing hanging off the side of her fucking head. You know, you got summer campers swinging off the back and jumping into a river. You know, black girls have that long extra hair.

And you'd see them and you'd like, hey, you know, and be sweet to them and have them come over. And you would make friends and you would be entertaining and you'd get them to come over. And then my dad would try and sign them up for the credit card, you know? You know what's crazy? Theo, you just made me remind me or something. It's so weird how people say it like that chick, that people don't. that people don't know that chick flow, that that girl that got all those commercials.

Oh, yeah. I saw her at an audition one day. And it's funny that Flo was packed up and getting rid of leave this town. And she booked that campaign. Now she's a gazillioner. Oh, yeah. You know, and it's so weird that

Josh Wolfe left Seattle in September. He's a funny guy. Of 96. What a nice guy, too, huh? And my plan was for, for him to come down. At that time, we were very tight. And my plan was for him to come down, check out the waters, and then I would come down in eight or nine months. And once I made that decision, like all these opportunities started opening up for me, the first one being

I got this job. So he went first. He came first. In September of 96, he left his girlfriend up there, and I lived in the back house. And she was pregnant. So he came down. And he came down. here first to get them set up. So I lived in his back guest house. With, just you and a lady there? Was that scary sometimes? And they had kids? No, they had kids.

I watched the kids. I was tight with her. She was a great lady. She still was a dear friend. I just haven't seen her one time. We were dear friends. Yeah, because he's married to a different woman now, Beth. Yeah, completely different.

I never met his first one. So he came down first. Right away, I got this job with this company that I know people and I know shit. This was shit. Like a cigarette company? No, this was a shit. This was a shit idea. And they paid me $15 an hour plus bonuses.

This is 1996, which is 20 years ago. Pretty good money. That's great money. And what it was was calling pizza parlors across the country and getting them to sign up for a service. That at halftime, it was a chain. That's what it was. That's what it was. It was Domino's Pizza.

It was a scam. Nope, Domino's Pizza had cut a deal with the NFL. That during a game, if a Domino's sign came up on your screen, you got a dollar off a pizza. But to get that deal, you had a sign like Domino would make its affiliates pay. So I had to call those affiliates and make them pay that extra money to get. So what it would do is as soon as they call Domino's, that number, it would go to whatever Dominole's. paid. I see. This was a scam inside of Domino's. Right, it was like, yeah. I worked for a Domino's affiliate that was calling Domino's and saying,

listen, we're starting a new program starting August 14th. Yeah. And here's the deal. Every time people watch an NFL game, this would be a Domino banner on the side. It's going to say, call now and we get $2. Oh, yeah, I remember that. A fresh delivered pizza. And they showed a hot pizza on the screen. you don't sign up for that the calls won't go to your pizza joint right the calls would go to the pizza joint in fucking uh north hollywood and van eyes instead of north hot it was really shitty to see what the corporation was doing from within but i didn't give a fuck right you can't fight that battle i could sell like a motherfucker right so i was pulling down

i was pulling down 1,200 a week growth out of that bringing home nine Why do you ever quit that? 35 hours a week, like 10 to fucking four, like something easy. This is what I'm saying. I quit that job. Because when that at the fucking underground, a guy approached me. And he goes, hey, man. At John's Club?

Have you been the old Colley Underground and John Fox's old? Yeah, John Fox's old, man. That's a great room. No, no. This is 95. This is a complete different room. It was different? This was on the Swanies, yeah.

And some guy came up to me, and he goes, Because I meant did you ever sell before? I'd like, yeah, you know, I sell whatever. And he gave me a job selling phones. That was just too good to be sure. Like pay phones? Pay phones. So I would sell phones and advertising for newspapers at the same time.

You know me, dog. I'm a scam. I don't get a phone from you right now. Anything not to fucking have a day job. Yeah. So I would hang out by the train station and I would either sell your subscription for the Seattle Times. Well, I would ask you, do you have a cell phone? and take the cell phone right there.

Cell phones. And he gave me a cell phone with an unlimited minutes. No. In 1997, yeah. You are king. That was part of it. And if you call, like an athlete. The guy was giving me, like, for every line that I opened,

the guy would give me like 400 bucks. And he was getting like $1,600 at this time. Gee. He told me the truth. He was way honest for me. getting that much money because if somebody bought a phone and got a line the company this is 97 before people were having a lot of this right yeah this yeah so cell phones cell phones yeah the cell phones were a little bigger yeah I didn't get a cell phone until a cell phone until

2000 so if you signed up there was a kickback and the guy would give me a kickback it's a huge I was going over there every day and giving him seven eight numbers he would close three or four of them wow and I would stand the mall I can't believe I just remembered that way I would stand at the mall at either and what by stuff everett mall no I wouldn't buy dick I would be that guy that I'm knowing oh oh no way when it was raining I would go to the every body scrub no and I would sell fucking subscriptions to either the Washington poe the Seattle Times oh yeah or a fucking cell phone and the cell phone was paying me Fucking it was just amazing. Yeah. The guy would show up every Saturday at the fucking underground and give me 1500

It was like Jesus fucking intervened. I can't even imagine so the whole month of December I was making money So did you even want to come and do comedy then what you got that money? I would have kept that no I kept I needed that money I was paying child support I was paying an attorney I was in fucking so much debt it was coming out of my eyes plus I was snort and blow But now I'm making six seven thousand a month selling fucking cell phone and a mall every fucking day. And now Doug Stanhope comes for New Year's, and I open up for him, and he talks me into moving to L.A.

Really? So my point is that it's really weird how places trick you. Right when you say to the universe, I'm going to leave, you get the best job in the fucking world. Oh, yeah. When I live Seattle,

I was pulling down 1,600 a week just selling cell phones. Never mind fucking blow, subscriptions to the Seattle Times. If I had nothing to do, I just go to the train of station. She lined up. No, I lived with a stripper.

I lived with a girl that paid money. And I split the rent with her. We lived in a fucking... We lived in a fucking or not? No, no. She stripped and she was Christian. So I slept in the dead from beds like fucking the Dick Van Dyke show. Oh.

We lived in a fucking RV. We lived in an RV at a place where you back your RV up. Yeah. They connected. Oh, yeah. Cable TV. You got... You had a shower in your RV.

Or they had an athletic center. This place was tremendous. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. It was there for 20 years. It was like a lodge. K-O-A or something? It was like a kid.

No, it was a little bigger. It had a bigger name, a better reputation. Yeah. Bro, they had restaurants. K-away was crazy, bro. You walk in. They had three or four restaurants. They had, like, real restaurants.

They had a gym, a pool, showers. What was it? A movie theater in Kent, Washington. Where fucking, you know who was living in Kent, Washington at the time Henry Hill no way Henry Hill was living probably I was gonna guess Jeffrey Dahmer wasn't he from there at the what no he's from Milwaukee Wisconsin fucking uh I'm thinking I'm thinking of Kent Washington at a fucking RV park yeah with the stripper in an RV and a dog what a lucky guy midway mobile villas I know the mobile mansion it's got trying to sell you

the neighborhood over here unbelievable wake up in the morning walk into the building we'll brush our teeth i'd give her a stab and we'd walk into the building wow we'd eat two eggs sunny side up eggs like nothing at the diner they had a diner in there then we'd go back to the thing watch tv for a while i'd write comedy and then we'd both go into the gym i would swim yeah i would swim because that's how you had to take a shower you took a shower because you had to work out in those days i was homeless so for me to take a shower i'd have to work out oh yeah yeah so i'd work out twice a day. I was tip-top fucking Magoo. I love that. When I moved to LA, I was in great shape. It's what happened to me. I fell apart.

Once I got here, I stopped doing everything. But dude, so I'm thinking about this, why you're telling me that, so I'm like, you know, that when you start to tell the world or, you know, you tell like the powers in the world that you're going to move, the universe. When you tell the universe that you're going to move, that that's when the universe, like, starts to give you things to keep you there. They throw curveballs at you. Right. They throw a curveball at you. So then, you got to be somebody that then you I mean that's like that's kind of is that the difference between some people and other people you think that you you're willing to just say look these are great things but I'm going to still move away from this and take my chance that because some people would just stay do you think like there's something inherent in certain types of people that are then like okay I'm going to put this on the line and still move there are people that there are people that

will come to me and say to me, Joey, I'm a comic, I'm putting away money and moving to L.A. in two years. That guy's dead. That guy's dead. Yeah. That's never going to happen. You got to build it somewhere else.

That's no. That's what you're saying? When you have the urge to make a move, you have to make a move. Oh, I see what you're saying. The people who procrastinate that move will give you a reason why. Yeah.

They're looking for something to fall on their lap so they don't have to move. Oh, I see. They're going to give themselves two-year span. So they give themselves a two-year span. And what happens? You meet some fat chick, you knock her up. Yeah.

Now your dream is quashed because you got married, so you gave yourself an out. Yeah. Sometimes in life, we give ourselves our own out. Yeah. But sometimes the universe gives you an out, and you have to take advantage of it. You know, the universe will give you signals. Yeah. Don't tell your signs.

You know, if I come up to you, if a bouncer has to come up to you, if a bouncer has to come up you and tap you on the shoulder and tell you it's time to leave yeah you fucked up yeah you know what to put the drink down and get out and walk out of there yeah know this because you're an adult and because you've seen how people have acted once a town like I've overstayed my welcome yeah and because I've overstayed my welcome I realize when it's time to go right when it's time to go it's time to go it's time to go it's time I know when it's time to go I'm the king of knowing when it's time to go. There was a place I used to rob constantly. I used to work there and rob constantly. Yeah. I knew I couldn't do it anymore because I was going to get caught and my reputation and my life

was going to be shit again. I forced myself to quit. I took a 50% pay cut. You were stealing, right? Because I was stealing. But I knew eventually I would get caught. There was no, because that's the way life is. You're drinking water. At him. Smell that fart. That's a tremendous fucking fuck. You guys are like a married couple, dude. No, no one would say married a man.

This is sex in your 60s. This is what sex in your 60s is like, dude. Huffing somebody's fucking booty. Huffing that little booty falcon, bro. Look, poor Lee. He's been sniffing farts. He doesn't know that fart sinking into his t-shirt. Dude, I didn't even tell you, Joey, I forgot to tell you sort of man.

And we in our area, they had a lot of sinkholes, right? Because Louisiana's eight feet underwater, brother. If you look at New Orleans, that city is eight feet under, it's below sea level. So here's the ocean, right? Then there's naturally a bottom, and that's where they built New Orleans. So that's why it always floods constantly there. So it's soggy everywhere around like our whole area. Louisiana's a swamp, you know.

But they had a company for land when they went. wanted to build and before they had you know now they got the surveyors you see a dude out there in the morning you think he's a pedophile he's taking pictures of children or something but he's looking for distance with the lamb with the orange vest they made him put an orange vest on because everybody thought they was you know touching children and looking for children and now but before that they had they would hook a fucking rope to you oh are you fucking giving him huh you fucking got a word that bird is hatching baby in your fucking brain he's getting the core of the ass all What this poor kid is taking tonight.

I'm doing that mother earth right there. I'm sitting here. That my farts. I'm thinking of running out. Oh, damn. Boy, that fart had breast milk in it, huh? There's one that's percolating in my asshole right now. That's going to come out like that Korean center.

Oh, yeah. That's that fucking lunch, and I make it ricochet off the chair. Oh, beautiful. So it ricochets off the nine cornerball and it goes right into his nose. He gets him. Nobody knows on the far. I've been farting this for,

50 fucking years. Oh, wow. I know how to point my hips. Yeah. I know how to bank them off the back, the back. I know how to... Oh, yeah. You're to Robert Parrots.

I far travel three feet per second. So I could even bang it off the wall, like a pool table right here. There's a certain cut that I eliminate the chair. Man, I'm getting hot. Oh, yeah, you open the door, though. That's warm air that's coming out of my ass. Oh, yeah. It's real.

That's how warm is you. Dude. Your ass might be really. really fucking hot oh shit look at Cleo taking off the shirt and shit fucking ass me who's Cleo leo leo leo i don't fucking know come on man i smoke 20 farts i've inhaled 20 farts and i smoke 20 farts and i smoke 20 farnets bro don't be such a hard don't be so hard on him bro where i'm from you get two letters writing somebody's name that fucking counts dude if they don't respond after that if you get one

letter right i just thought about cleo yeah but dude so they would put kids on they This is when they used to put kids on chains and they'd have them for fucking... What? They'd have them walk out into a field and see if the fucking earth fell under them. That's the area I was in. You know, one ever did that to kids? Oh yeah, they definitely did it. Look it up.

What am I supposed to look it up? I don't fucking know. You're a wizard over there. Searching for sinkholes. Fucking Seth Buttons over there. You're the wizard, bro. Type it in. I'm sorry, Lee.

I'm being rude. look for that shit. Yeah, what you can't look for kids tied up, looking for St. Coles. Why are you listening to them for? What's wrong with you? He's fucking with you. I'm not fucking winning, man. You don't tie no kids up. Next thing you didn't tie.

It wasn't like you were kidding that. He didn't the fucking 40s. They would tie Chinese people up. They would tie Chinese people up and throw them over the cliff with a stick of dynamite. And that's how they built the railroads. He's fucking... Yeah, man. Really? The Chinese built a railroad

in this fucking country. And that's how they were tested to see if it was good land. they'd make them go over the cliff with a stick of dynamite on the rope or some shit something fucking creepy. Jesus. That's why I don't think they were using white kids to see if there were sinkholes.

They had to be like from other countries or something like that. No. They didn't have any kids from other countries bus. Black kids, that was it. And then weren't using them to do that. But they would have kids, man, it wasn't a damn. I mean, you wouldn't, it's not like you're falling into fucking, you know,

into like, Hades or anything. You would just fall like six or eight feet, you know? That's enough. Some guy fell two weeks ago into a den of rattlesnakes. You had to kill three rattlesnakes. Did you see it in the night with this news? He came out with blood and rattlesnake bites.

That sounds like a halfway house in Albuquerque. This whole fucking, I'm sure right here up in the valley somewhere. This whole fucking town, you could be walking, fall into a sinkhole. Some guy fell into a sinkhole in his front yard, and he was swimming in shit. He fell right into that fucking shit pond. That tank of shit in front of your house. Dude, I could feel it in my legs if I'm not. or a sinkhole dude no joke i could feel it in my legs and that's from growing up in that area man

i swear to god you know like you know i senior citizens know like in their spine their spinal rattle if it's gonna rain right like you could feel that in your legs man growing up where i grew up you could feel if the ground is uh you know gonna be solid or gonna you know start to give way i mean you got to understand how how soggy it is in louisiana man you know the whole state the whole state You build, dude, you fucking build a doghouse In the morning, it's fucking 30 feet away. You know? So what I see in the news all the time

Is really like, it rains a lot in Louisiana As a whole Baton Rouge Monroe. Yeah. All those towns and the water just, yeah, it's so right there on the sea level. You know, we're probably above sea level right here, I bet. See, we check and see what we are, Lee, do you mind? Look at where we are above sea level in

just even if you put like Los Angeles. Studio City. Studio City. We're not, we're up a little bit, not, you know, Colorado up, but we're up. Yeah. You know what scares me about Louisiana or New Orleans as a whole? Did they prepare it for another Katrina? I don't think that they did.

When they rebuilt it, did they fucking repair it? Like, did they really? No, I don't think they did. When you go back there, do you see anything different? I mean, I still hear that there's places that are just done from Kentucky. Katrina, there's still areas that are done. They rebuilt a lot, but did they rebuilt it to withstand? Because Katrina Storms are just going to get stronger.

Right. And every year we're going to get killed at one location, whether it be Galveston, the Houston, you know, Tampa, Florida, it could be one certain location. Yeah. It's going to eventually go back to New Orleans and it's going to be worse than Katrina. It's usually off Claiborne and New Orleans, most people. But I don't know what happened. They had...

They, uh, I mean, if it was in the sinkhole already after Katrina, I would have knocked that shit down, filled it with more dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, you know, yeah, that's the obvious. The mayor got put in jail. Ray Nagin went to jail. He went to jail. The chocolate badge or something. So that means that the money didn't get used for funds because. Right. Every mayor of Louisiana always went to jail.

Right. When he's stealing, they're all stealing. Morial, all of the dudes have always gone to jail. From New Orleans? Yeah. Are they all corrupt? Yeah. Edwin Edwards, he was the governor of Louisiana, but he was super corrupt.

That dude, yeah, it's just a corrupt place, man. It's just like kind of, you know, it's like pirates and shit. It's a little bit. It's like Tampa, but they build a whole state out of it. Now, is gambling a lot in Louisiana? Yeah. You got gambling right there in New Orleans. You got all the boats, and you got Harris as a land casino, the only one allowed.

And they showed that New Orleans when they got hammered, that they showed that Harris. Oh, yeah. They showed the comic that was there. They did? No, the comic that was there. During Katrina? The billboard was sideways. He was a comedy store guy.

Oh, wow. His name was James Stevens III. Wow. And he was at that casino that week. That'd be interesting to get his take on it. And when they showed Katrina, when they showed New Orleans, they showed Ariesine sideways with his name on it. That's wow. So it was just really interesting.

I haven't been to New Orleans since I, I've been. New Orleans two times. And the second time was a lot better than the first time. Yeah. The first time is on the most uncomfortable situations. I've ever been in comedy. Wow, really? I took my grandma blow, and I got the car

and drove back to Houston that night. Yeah, that's everybody's story. The hotel was kind of a little weird, the people a little weird. When I went back to shoot bridge match, since I didn't have to go to those weird spots. They were more comfortable. It was more comfortable. They put me in a hotel that was

it was a home they served three meals a day oh wow you went downstairs and it was the food was delicious I got wrestling and the food was out of this fucking world man

I don't know what the name of the hotel was you know you had your own floor wow I still remember sitting in the living room like in the dining room like it was like the last supper table

and here I am all by myself they gave me the whole floor Yeah. So you had to use a card and press the thing. And there was maybe three or four floors, five floors. I think, was it almost downtown, a little bit off the city, kind of? It was a little bit off the city. Yeah.

And you had to be downstairs from 7 to 9 to 12 to 2 or 5 to 7 to eat dinner. And they had two or three things on the menu. There was no choice. If you picked one thing, it came with a soup, salad. Yeah. It was fucking superb. Wow. And I know that the one night we had a party and I went to the club and it was superb.

It wasn't as dirty as I had been the first time. Yeah. When I went to New Orleans the first time, it had to be 99, 98th. New Orleans is out of its fucking mind. When was Katrina? No, no, no, 2006. When I went to New Orleans and 98 to do comedy that time, I took a fallout. It was either 98 and 90s.

99 and dog I gotta tell you something from the minute I parked the car to the minute I walked in a hotel to walk into the gig I thought I was gonna get jacked yeah I'm fucking you know a lot of crime I've jacked people

right so I felt like I was gonna get jacked you get the feeling even the street lights are fucking telling you were you about to get fucked up there was people at every corner it was lookouts yeah people bumping into you and years later they made that movie focus about pickpockets and then when they

go to the Super Bowl in New Orleans and I thought about that movie how that day I saw pickpockets yeah too many people bumping into a lot of brothers Bulgarians a lot of brothers with bad intentions you know the black on black crime there especially at late at night it's crazy

man the drug situation yeah reminding me like I'm walking and some guy comes up like I you know listen you go to New Orleans you got to go downtown and see it you know what I'm saying yeah you got to go to the French quarter you got to We got to take a walk down there. So we got into town maybe two, checked into the hotel and went right down there.

Yeah. I mean, I wasn't on that block a minute. And I got a flashed out back to 42nd Street. Yeah. In the 70s where people are, yeah, come in, yeah. Come in. I got coat. I'm not drinking.

Yeah. So I'm looking and I'm like making believe like I'm having a good time. There's tons of people on the street. And right away, some guy came up to me. Oh, yeah. What are you looking for a player? They'll have a baby character. I was like, I don't know what you got.

Yeah. And he goes, I got this, I got this, I got this. I go, let's get some cocaine. Let's see what you got. He goes, man, I got cocaine. I'll make you dance and shit. Yeah. He goes, stand right here.

My play will come over and talk to you. Give him the money. Then I'll come back out. And it's all of that shit. And I was like, came out. And you get murdered at the end. Game out. Yeah.

That's how it always is. And that happens a lot. And I saw it. I mean, I saw it within four minutes. Yeah. But a lot of idiots won't see it. Well, they're tourists. They're looking for drugs.

And they want it fast. They get nasty and they're just going to get robbed. They do that shit, man. I went back to the hotel room when I got to the club, the doorman and asked me. Yeah. You did anything while you're here? What are you talking about it? Give me a gram powder.

Everything. It was beautiful. Yeah. I took it to the hotel room. I did the line. And even the front desk people, I thought were going to rob me. Like, everybody there just seems so fucking fucked up. It seems like a movie.

I mean, there's a lot. I tell you what, fuck me. up they knocked on my door as soon as I got to the hotel room oh that's shady I took a piss I washed my hands I took the coke out I chopped it up I opened up a beer I took like two sips out of the beer

I had a six-pack with me I did a line of coke dog one little line I put the coke away and the door knocked and when I opened it the guy was like oh man I'm just checking up on you making sure you're okay and I was like the fuck you're doing yeah we're adults I closed the door bro the coke hit me a little bit but not enough to make me paranoid or fuck me up.

Yeah. I called the other comic. I said, dog, what are you doing? He goes, you feel like driving home? He goes, I don't want to spend the night here either. Wow. We both got in the car and I left, and that was my... And I never forget walking back to the car.

It was 11.30, and all I could smell was fucking vomit. Yeah. Oh, and if you're down by the French corners, it's gross. It smelled like... But they're redoing it now. They're redoing the streets down there. When I called you last week, you were in New Orleans. I was in Baton Roots.

Are you in Baton Rouge? I thought you were in New Orleans. But, dude, even in Baton Rouge, man, I'm out there. We're taking the kids. I got nieces and nephews, you know, and their little tigers and all kinds of shit, you know, costumes. And we're taking them, and you'd have, you know, a couple, you know, brothers running by like, I got Coke.

You know, I got Coke. And we're out there fucking taking the kids, like, trick or treat, you know. I got Molly, what you need? Like, what the fuck, dude? I'm already, you know, they've got the kid dressed up like a damn mountain line. I'm not doing a bunch of Coke at the house, you know. Yeah, reminded me of Times Square, like, they were just pitch and barking at you. I got coke, I got fucking drywall.

One dude had drywall. I'm like, I'm not fucking buying that at night. The guy I was with that was driving was like a nice feature act. He was like Lee. Yeah. And he was petrified. I don't even think he's in the business. Does Lee open for you now?

No, no, no, no. No, no. I'm talking about this guy had been doing it for like 10 years, eight years. Yeah. He had a day job and stuff. And he drove me and he was like he didn't do drugs, he didn't drink, he had a girlfriend. He was like Christian. And I remember even at the comedy day, he was scared.

He didn't feel good. Yeah. He didn't like it. The gig was like a once a month thing. And they got nine drunk people. Yeah. Got nine drunk people, bro. It didn't even get an audience.

They paid you and I heard maybe a month later they canceled it. Yeah. Every time that happens in Louisiana. They don't want comedy, man. They don't want comedy. Because they like to hear the story. Baten Rouge, they do. Baton Rouge had a funny bump for you.

I used to go to Mike. Mike, what's his name, had a club down there. My buddy Tommy Pancoast was the DJ over there, and then he ended up being the gym for a while. At the funny bomb. Yeah. That's why I started. I was there when the girl was there.

Chris Titus' girlfriend. Oh, no, that's Shreveport. Oh, is that Shreveport? Yeah. Okay. Does Baton Rouge still have a club? Baton Rouge doesn't. How about Shreeport?

It moved over to Bojure across the river over to Boisier City. I opened up for Dave Attell there one time. And Tommy, uh, fucking Andy Dick, tried to blow me at the casino there, right? Then how about this? Three years later, I'm back there again. Andy Dicks there shooting something again. Offered to blow me at the casino.

He forgot he'd offered me three years earlier, and I told him no. What a small world, you know? What did he say to you? How did somebody offer this? He had a girl. He had a little hitman, so he bait you with that pussy, and then switch it out for his own wiener. And that was like his move, you know? He'd send a girl over.

Yeah, you want to come do something wild or something? And then you come over, you know, and you'd, like, be thinking about her pussy or thinking about her tits or something. And while you're doing that, suddenly he's there. And then they're talking about, like, a threesome or something. And then she goes to get, you know, get something, get drinks or get a salad or something. And then you're fucking sitting there. It's just you and him, you know, and you're like, fuck this shit, man. You know, I'm not doing this.

I'm not fucking out here looking for sinkholes for fucking $2 an hour, you know? You should have called me a fucking decade ago, bro, and tied a chain to my back. That dude will fuck you to death, too. He'll fuck you to death. Bro, he'll fuck you like a B. Sean on fucking, on meth, bro. He got arrested again recently, do you know? Did he?

I don't know. He's got a beautiful son, though. His son is a nice kid. Sonny Lucas or whatever his name is. How do you know him through comedy? Yeah, I met the son through comedy. Because the son of a always tries to do comedy as well. Andy Lucas Dick is his name.

He's super nice kid. He's actually pretty funny. I don't know if he still does it or not. Yeah, in July. And I'm not judge him. I don't know if everybody's funny in their own world. Sexual battery. What sexual battery? I don't know, dude, but I can fucking add two charges to it, I'm sure. I'll tell you that, dude.

I mean, they were AAA batteries. I saw his dick, bro. It's nothing to fucking even look at. Yeah. He showed me it, dude. And I didn't look for a long time. I'll tell you that, bro. Dude, it was the kind of dick you could see in one glance.

Like some dicks, you got to be like, oh, you got to almost look at both sides to see the real, you know, to see the whole city. But this thing, it was a little township, bro. It was something they'd have in South Africa out in the Soweto villages or something. Like I said, when I was a young man, a guy tried to, in a car trying to grab my dick. That's one thing. Yeah. But a guy taking his dick out, I don't know what I would do. I think you just walk away, man.

Or you say something crazy, you know? I wasn't like, I'm not like a, if somebody wants to be wild and they're on drugs, I'm. I'm not a violent, you know, here's what works for me. No, I'm out, bro. You know, I don't do all a party meat and all of that. So. There's a certain element of your manhood. There's a certain element of your manhood, you know,

that one day you decide what you are and what you're not going to do. Yeah. I have nothing, again, nothing whether you want to be a transgender if you want to be gay I have nothing about your sexual orientation if you want to play for the fucking Tampa Bay Buccaneers I don't give a fuck

But okay Even boogie nights You've seen boogie nights yeah You've seen only saw it once though Okay there's a scene where The heroin boy Bies a new car and he calls Marky Warburg to see it

And the guy makes out with him And then Marky Warburg goes what the fuck happened And he doesn't really know and it's tricky that shit to me like I would know what I do like if somebody went to make out with me yeah like I wouldn't know what to do what if they were like a world champion of something I still wouldn't know what to do like dude if some fucking you know some guy who sells you know salads or something trying to make up looking at you

on a line of coke and going you know what theo yeah I don't know if you know this I switch sides in time to time. I think you're very handsome. Right. I think you would say to me, Joey, you're my dog and I love you, but you and me can't bat that way. I don't do that shit.

I think you'd be mad at me for a week. You'd tell a couple of your friends, but then over the years we'd forget about it. That's one thing. If we were coped up at five in the morning and I came clean with you, that I banged a couple guys from time to time. I'm married, I got a wife,

but I'm bisexual. That's one thing. But for me to be, snort and coke with here at your house. Yeah. And also I go to the bathroom and I come out and you're naked on your couch. Hunting for her. I got to fuck you up. Yeah. I got to at least

smack you in the face. Yeah. To make you, I don't know. I don't know how I would react. I'd do something. I don't know how it would react. If you just took your dick out. If you, here's the thing. And I've been around guys who've taken that dick out and I've laughed. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about me going into

a bathroom, me coming back out. And you're naked on the And you sit next to me and touch my dick or something like that. I'm not doing that shit. I don't know. I wouldn't do it. I don't know. I don't know.

I say don't do it. And I've been in koki situations where I could see it coming on. And I left. Yeah. And I left before it even happened. Oh, dude. Some guy in New Orleans one time had into, had fucking locks on his bathroom. This guy gets me into the bathroom.

We're doing some cocaine after the Super Bowl or something. And next day I know, they have two doors in the bathroom, you know. And he puts a fucking bolt on one of them. And I'm like, Jesus, dude. And I look over with the other one. And it has a bolt on it. And I'm like, I'm out of here, Jack. You know?

And I thought about trying to do a little more cocaine and then just keeping my foot in the door wedge while I did it. But I was like, fuck that. No, no, no, no. I'm just out of here. Because you don't know what that guy had. I mean, you just, I don't know. But you know what the place where that happens the most, bro? And you can hear it happen in the distance is Los Angeles.

Yes. Yes. This is the kind of place. Like you know for as much as this as Los Angeles and the people out here call out like the rest of America for having shitty Values and this and that this place is fucked up Jack This place is the dark arts bro This is people have no idea You know if you really think about it and I'm not

Being a funny guy here or whatever The Me Too movement is slowed down a little bit Yeah Thank God a lost momentum. Yeah, I was getting too out of control I have a daughter I was raised by a single mom I have a wife I a ton of my friends of females. Yeah. And I feel for you.

But it was getting, I think, what Argento got busted for fucking the underage kid. Yeah. And then these women came out against Kavanaugh and that, you know, 36 years is a long time. I changed a lot. Oh, yeah. 36 years. Since 1982, I think of the person I am and I've changed four times. Yeah, agreed.

You know, that's number one. You can't take that away from a month. man and a woman and number two. I think that you know, you have your fucking Cosby's. You have your Harvey Weinstein. So Harvey Weinstein was ten times worse

on what we know. Right. And the people that... We spoke about it last night two nights ago, Felicia, and there's 20 more Harvey Weinstein's. 100%. And there's a lot of actresses hiding those men still. And they knew about him. It's only whenever the you know, the gaville starts to fall in

and affects people's pocketbooks and shit that or they realize their money's safe, then they'll chime up. Well, I love NBC. They gave me Sampton, the Sun, they gave me cheek on the man, they gave me news radio. They've given me a lot of shows I've liked. Yeah. But think about that. I want you two guys and the people listening at home to think about that.

NBC knew about Bill Cosby. Again, NBC knew about Bill Cosby. Right. But they didn't give a fuck. Because of the money he was generated. Yeah. Okay. That goes with any sport.

Connor McGregor could do whatever the fuck you want. Oh, yeah. When you generate that type of money, you want to come out at the way in with a bottle of whiskey. And a fucking... And give it to the president of the fucking league or whatever he calls himself. You know, when you're that type of person... Daniel White. You could do whatever the fuck you want.

Yeah. So there's 20 Harvey Weinstein's that... Yeah. That we have not been exposed yet or nobody really. Sean Weinstein, Dixon Weinstein. Yeah. There's a bunch of Weinsteins that have not been exposed that are hiding now. That went away quietly into the night that said, you know what?

We got away with this. For a long time. Nobody came out. Yeah. And here's one. You know one thing that I started to notice when it was, you know, I think there's a lot of comedians out there that starts to use it as a, and not even comedians. I mean, I guess there's just,

it's uncomfortable when you start to feel like, and I just try to trust my instincts. I know a lot of women are, you know, taking advantage of. I know, dude, a lot of men get objectified by women as well these days, and people don't want to talk about that, you know? And that sounds like kind of a bitch thing to say,

but, you know, there's a lot of women out there using men as they see fit as well, you know, for different things. And, you know. Here's the place. Yeah, here. Here's the place. Yeah, in L.A. Here's a business.

And so I don't like it when you get a lot of these, you know, fancy ladies saying, oh, feminism, this and feminism and that, but they're just selling books and bullshit to you. You know what I'm saying? They're just peddlers. They don't give a real fuck about anybody but themselves. And, you know, that's one thing. I hope technology at one point can, like, tell people's hearts, you know? Like, I hope at one point, like a Fitbit, you can wear a Fitbit that tells you, like, if that person actually has any genuine care in themselves for you, you know, and I think that that's when technology is really going to help us, because right now we're out here fucking around, you know. People jerking off, guys addicted to their own, you know, semen and

everything, all of this shit on the internet. And it's just, you know, we're in the rock gut stages of technology right now. We're still learning about this shit. We're in a place, bro. But yeah, the Me Too thing was two stuff. It was two, well, here's, I just wanted to get this point out. Sorry to interrupt you, Joey. Don't, no, no, no. Girls started asking me, can I come on the road with you to open for you, right? And I was afraid to let them come with me, because I don't trust like that's what that movement kind of did to me because I've always tried to value women yes like have I I'm sure I've objectified women before sexually you know and wanted you know to be with a woman just for sex or had sexual interests you know like lead some of my

thoughts I think some of that's limbic and a man you're gonna you know if I see a woman I don't you know my first thought isn't like I want to you know buy her a house and just think about her always Some of my thought is in my dick, you know, and that's nature. And that's Mother Nature put some of your brain in the end of your dick. And the thing that gets me is like now it's like women will ask me, well, hey, could I come in feature for you? And it's like, I don't know. Like, that's very scary. Like, I've loved, two years ago, I'd have been like, yeah, I'll give any woman.

Like, I don't have any issue with it, right? I'm not going to try to fuck this girl. You know, I respect her as an artist. But now I'm like, what if this girl has some crazy intention? Well, no. You know who you're taking on the road Right, but it makes me second guess that I think Kay Quigley and Felicia Michaels

I've known them both for years Yeah, yeah, Kate, I have no issue I have no, I have no, it would not turn me on to fuck Kate I love it at death and she's beautiful She's like a little sister Yeah You know, Felicia's like a sister to me

Yeah So if I went on the road with a woman That came up to me like I've had women Asked me and they don't stay at the hotel They stay at their own home They live in Austin Right. I have no problem, bro.

I don't play that shit at all. I know what it's like to be a young girl. I have a daughter, and I remember what it was like 20 years ago. I'm going to tell you who can't stand me. Right. Well, I'll do that. I was thinking about this day a day. You know who cannot stand me?

You know, you can't mention my name around Chelsea Hanlon. Oh, she's the worst. The first time I met Chelsea Hanler, I went off on her in a sexual way. You tried to fuck her? She was fucking gorgeous. Yeah. She was gorgeous. I knew that at that time, she was doing drugs.

Yeah. She was opening up for Dave Vettel. I was fucked up on drugs. Did you all ever fuck? No. What are you fucking retarded? Are you fucking crazy? No.

It's crazy would fuck someone. I think people fuck each other. I'm from telling you, you can't mention my name around her. I went to that black club. She still wants to fuck you? No, bro. Stop trying to be funny. I'm not trying to be funny.

There was no fucking involved. I was a fucking asshole tour. We were doing that dumb black club on fucking... Jay Spot. No. The other one. Union Station. Beverly Boulevard.

Up down the block in the chicken place. There used to be a club there one night. Comedy Union. Comedy Union. This had to be 1998, bro. And I was out there every night with a package. You know, and I'm at the store. You were geeked up.

And I'm geeked up. Loring bitches with Coke and shit. Yeah. And I go to the time. And I go to the comedy union to do a spot, and I see Chelsea Handler looking finer than a motherfucker. Did she have big breast in or what? In 1998, Chelsea Handler was fucking banging. So we start talking.

She tells me her, she's very sweet to me. Yeah. She tells me what her credentials was, and not six minutes into the conversation. I'm like, let's get a rock a Coke and let me eat your pussy and shit. And her face turned pale. And she's crazy as it is, but I knew that I had done something wrong with. And then three months later, she was dating a friend of mine. A black guy?

No, a white guy. And I went to a party and saw her. And the look she gave me was just horrid. And after that, somebody came up to me when they go, why did she hate you so much? And I know, because one night she caught me, you know, Like just sometimes women throw you off. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah. You have no idea how good she looked at night. Yeah. Like this is when Chelsea had the Volvo. That's how, that's what she had the Volvo. Wow. She was banging. She would go up to the store and do the 915 spot every night.

Fucking banging. But I'd never met her before. Yeah. I'd never met her before. I saw her and we started talking. The next minute we were talking about. cocaine and shit and next thing you know my chelsea i gotta tell you something you look fine and a motherfucker wow yeah let's go somewhere and do some blow and she was like what the fuck are you talking about

get the fuck out of you disgusting fat and slob really were you fatter no i just just i was just you know a gross person man i didn't know i was doing coke yeah until this day you can't mention my name or it's fucking hysterical but at least i'm honest about it I didn't rope or arvia. I just asked the truth. I'm going to suck you. You know, I was... Oh, yeah.

When you're on cocaine, man? From 98 to 2000, so I met Terry 97, 96, that was all I had. I wasn't a handsome guy. Yeah. So I would just tell you, I got an eight ball of Coke, and you got a pussy. What do you want to do? Yeah. You want to sit here and talk to Lee all night about fucking computers and podcasts?

Oh, you want to come up to the room and get your little monkey eat with a Coke? Yeah. If you said that the 10 women, two of them are going to go home with you. Dude, I'm about to go home with you. If you're saying 10 times. If you go up to 10 women and say that, one of years is going to take you up on your fucking home. Yeah.

You want me to fucking... It was crazy. Hunt that fox with this rocks, maybe. It was fucking crazy. Oh, dude, that was craziest. I remember, yeah, man. And she, yeah, I remember she came into the...

I was working at some club over there. They used to have that... When I moved to town, man, I really started doing comedy in Los Angeles. You know, when I really think about it, like, I think the first time I ever went up on stage was in New Orleans, but after that, I just happened to be out here. I came out here to visit a buddy, and then next thing you know, they had comedy.

I ended up living with my friend, and they had comedy down the street from us over on San Vicente, over in Brentwood. And so they had a place over there, that guy with the wooden leg used to run it. T.J. White boys of comedy, Mark Franco, and T.J. Mark, somebody, not T.J. Mark Walter, there's different T. days. But it was two blocks away, so I walked down there on Wednesday night and they started let me get up. But anyway, Bruko had a room over there in Westwood and Chelsea Hanla would come in, Jim Norton would come in and stuff. And this was, Chelsea wasn't like famous or anything. But she was kind of popular, you know. She was a comedian. It was like real amateurs over there. And yeah, I just didn't like, I went and did her show one time and she wouldn't even look at me.

And she just treated me. And then on, social media and stuff is like and social media is not a good way to judge somebody but you know sometimes we do and she doesn't even have any empathy for people there's something about her that makes me seem like she's just disconnected you did the tv show for her yeah how many times did you do it just one time and what was her behavior towards you she wouldn't look at me you know she would talk to me but wouldn't look at me and she just made me feel i don't know she didn't make me feel like welcome you know and when you're young and you're nervous and i already got to nervous and already you know the industry like you know it's never really given me much you know

this industry's never giving me much you know it's crazy to me you're just getting a show over there at fox you know or i don't know if we can talk about that or whatever but you know or an opportunity for that you know it's like it's crazy it's like it's like just but anyway i've always had that a little bit of chip on my shoulder maybe but yeah she just made me feel like i don't know like i wasn't funny or i wasn't good enough or just stuff like that you know there's nothing worse than going on something and somebody shuns you you expect it

yeah because I had expectations I had to expect at least there would be some niceness you know like there's some excitement instead it was like she's just kind of like this this star this thing but now to me she she I have this vision of her and this could be wrong of like a lonely you know older woman in like a castle

with all this money and she's just lonely and I don't want anybody to end up that way And that could just be me thinking that way to make myself feel better, you know, that she, that I felt like she was mean to me. But, you know, she seems like a real cunt to me. So, whatever. You know, you got to give something up to something, you know. And with fame comes, you know, like, I remember watching some program.

And Jennifer Aniston said when they shot the pilot for friends that, to celebrate the guy took her to Vegas. The executive producer took everybody in Vegas. Wow. And then gave them each $500 and said, walk through the casino and gamble this because that's the last time you're ever going to be able to walk through a casino again. Wow. That's how big you guys are going to be, you know. They knew it out of the gate, huh? They knew it out of the gate, you know.

And it's so weird how you... That's amazing. Listen, man, I was in this for so long and I struggled for so long as a human being that no matter what, you know, that no matter what, you know, You throw at me now. It wouldn't change. Yeah. Like, I'm done. Yeah, you already baked.

You only had me to go crazy when I was maybe up to 32. Yeah. 33, 34. Yeah, I would have gone a different crazy. I would have gone drug crazy at that age. But I always knew what I was. What makes people crazy in this town is not knowing what they are. Either they're too much or too little.

It's like being somewhere where you don't belong. I always stress that because one day you're going to do that and you're going to see how bad you feel and you're going to think of me as a comedian or an actor, you know, when you shoot a show, you ever shoot a show for somebody? And you go to these shows and you see the same fucking comics. They're always coming by to say hello. Yeah. Yeah, I got invited to this so I came and you look at them and you go, have you shot this show and they go, no.

and you feel bad for them you go then why the fuck are you here because I shot this show one episode and I feel bad being here like I shot one scene on one show and I feel like a fucking asshole so you didn't even shoot the show but you're down here doing what? What is your purpose?

Yeah what is your fucking purpose you look like a fucking idiot Yeah You're eating free food, whatever If you don't belong somewhere Do not be at that fucking place Yeah

Do not be at that place You asked me a question before. You go to you take Lee on the road. He's been doing comedy less than a year. Yeah, I didn't realize that. I would not do him any favors. Yeah. It would not do him any favors.

It would ruin him. Yeah. It would ruin him. I know that. He's not ready by no means. Yeah. He's two years away or I'd ruin him. His whole perception of stand-up would be ruined.

That's a good point. That's very true. His whole perception. I took him to the Wilberthita. He saw what it's like. now the rest is up to him. Yeah. He's two years away from even stepping on a stage with me on a plane.

Yeah. Because I know what it would do to him. Yeah. He needs to go on his own now and go to Lexington, Kentucky, and go to all the places where they've never seen a Jew. Yeah. And do that. And Jay him down, brother.

Two or three years. You can do blackface, too, if you're Jewish, I think. Don't you guys get that? No, I think I'll hold off on that. They just fucking fire Kell and Megan. Now you've got to bring up blackface. Like the kiss of that tonight. What the fuck is wrong with you?

I don't want to hear blackface. I don't want to talk about black face. They just fired Megan Kelly and you want to bring up black face. You've got great things happening in your fucking life. Leave black face alone, all right? I just didn't know if Lee could do it. No, I'm going to hold off on that one. No, it's the truth.

Yeah. I would not be doing them any favors. Oh, you wouldn't be doing any favors at all. The first guy that took me out, I was doing comedy four years. Yeah. First time I got taken out, and I wasn't ready. But it was fraternity. Really?

Yeah, it was. Who was it? His name was Todd Jordan. He took me on like two or three or four weeks of fraternities every night. It was rush season, whatever that is, and he would have a different frat every night, two frats, two frats, three frats. And I had been doing comedy four years, and I was just bomb. I was like an Arab. I was just going into places to bomb.

I would call a bomberler. If you guys are prepared, you're going to get a bomb. I wasn't ready. Yeah. And at that time, that's all I wanted. And I would say to myself, who, I'm happy. I didn't get this call two years ago.

I still remember going, like, doing comedy a couple months. I can go into an NBC. No. Johnny Walker. The liquor? In the 80s and 90s, if you wanted to be anybody, you had to win the Johnny Walker Red Competition of San Francisco. Wow.

That's what elevated you. Every year, Johnny. Walker did a national comedy competition and it would end up on channel 13 or something but you still got national exposure yeah and now you went into clubs that was one of the credits

it was either that the tonight show or HBO oh yeah so that was the exposure what we talking about the first time Todd Jordan takes you on the road so Todd Jordan I took on you weren't ready you said I was almost ready

you were bombing sorry you were yeah you were not saying that He took me on a three-week camp. Wow. What that is, it's three weeks of doing comedy every night, three weeks for five nights a week, and you get to adjust. And that really helped me right away. That was a big push. When I finished those three weeks, I was a better comic.

And then I was doing triple, then I started doing triple runs. Yeah. And I did triple runs for four years. Wow. And that's a complete different adjustment. That's every night. You got to adjust plus drive eight out. hours plus fucking do radio.

Oh, yeah, that's fucking navigational comedy. You know, sometimes you finish the gig and drive that night because you got an eight-hour drive. I might as well get to the hotel and sleep all day. You know, it teaches you how to deal with this. Yeah, that's what I struggle with now. Yes, a lot of people. Not taking care of myself and not timing things well.

A lot of people don't know. You know, there was a comic. His name was Doug Williams, a great guy. great guy he created a show he got a martin to sign off on it wow and it was one of the first comedy shows to go to stars

stars was a black network at the time and they had a comedy series and it did like three years that guy today a friend of mine called me and said he went on a cruise ship and he saw Doug Williams on the cruise ship what happened was Doug Williams got he went to a roast

oh yeah and Jamie Fox made fun of him To him up. He was kind of mean of Jamie Fox. Did you think that? It was very mean of Jamie Fox, but the problem was he didn't belong there. He did not belong there. Who Doug Williams didn't?

No. He was nobody to belong there. He was too young to be up there. Not too young. He just didn't belong there. Just did not belong in that room. He knew it, but he was a gavone. His eyes were bigger than his stomach.

Yeah. And he went there anyway. They got burnt. Yeah. And that ended everything. You cannot go somewhere where you do not belong in comedy or in life. Right. If you don't belong there, don't go down there because you're going to get in trouble.

Yeah. That's a group. Man, that's a really, a really great... Which stand up? I hate that shit. When people say, I'm out there. What do they call it? Running the light?

No. What do they call it? When they go out and mingle, there's a name for that. Networking? Networking. Oh, yeah. Fuck that. Rub my balls on your network.

I've never been a network. You network on stage. Yeah. You network on stage. I've always been nervous to talk to people. I used to be nervous when I would come in here. I used to be nervous when I, like there's some comedians that still make me kind of nervous sometimes when I see them, you know, to be around.

It's just because you don't know them well or you always look up to them, you know, and then you see them and it makes you nervous. Well, the worst thing about a comic that you look up to is when you go to the store and you meet them, and this happens to comics from me probably. You don't get the reception that you're looking for. Yeah, that's what I worry about sometimes. Some of my idols, I didn't get the reception I was looking for, So I didn't talk to him.

I didn't talk to Andrew Diceclay for the first year I was at the store. And I'd see him up there five nights a week. Why? Because. You weren't your place? No. Yeah, he had nothing to say to him. He had no circles that were saying, yeah.

No. No. No, no. You know, and then you get emails from people, well, it's terrible to meet your heroes because you approached me the wrong way. Yeah. And at the wrong time, yeah, there's a dude that comes up to me. A lot he's always kind of coped up, I can tell, at the comedy store.

And now I hate that guy coming around. We have no, he knows it's uncomfortable, too. I'm like, why does he keep doing this, you know? I don't judge people on the drug aspect. I don't care if somebody does drugs. He's always trying to give me a Ponzi schemes and shit. Yeah, no, those people I just delete. I told him to get the fuck out of my face.

I don't want to hear about it. Well, I'm doing comedy. I'm doing comedy, bro. Yeah. And, like, this week, I have a rough week. Like, tonight I'll be in New York, you know? and that's my rough as we because I have to deal with family yeah I have to talk to people you know I got two long 200 people waiting to take a picture yeah and you pay 20 hours

and I got to talk to you for a half hour I got to find the way to say listen bro can you step aside and let these but wait wait wait remember the time we went no let these people take the pictures and then you could talk to me all you want it's very tough people understand that yeah yeah it's weird that's where I'm getting like it's getting like it's getting like Like, you know, I've been struggling a lot with this because it's like, you know, I love, you know, it's like you work so hard to get people to come out and then people start coming out. And, you know, it's a lot of like my audiences, dudes like me, you know, that struggle with stuff or just regular people, you know, good people. You know, I feel like a lot of our audiences are probably similar, like good people that come out to enjoy themselves, you know. And I want to be able to spend time with each one of them afterwards.

You sell T-shirts afterwards? As a regular person, yeah. See, I don't. Right. Because I want them to be able to come to me. and talk to me and not have to do that yeah yeah I saw it to you want a t-shirt go online yeah I'm not carrying t-shirts across the country I'm not if I want to carry all this head on mail it there and sell it still the same fucking point yeah

uh because then again you have a different complication now you have people that feel now I bought a t-shirts and now I'm gonna give you a fucking oh I see what you're saying I don't have time for any of beating in between shows yeah I need to focus in between you want a good show for me yeah or you want a fucking t-shirt right you want a good show let's forget about the fucking t-shirt. Yeah, I'll tell people, do not, you don't feel obligated to buy a shirt to come and say hey or to anything like that.

But yeah, just think about it. Would you go say, hey, and not buy a shirt for somebody? No. I'd rather you not sell the fucking shirt and let them come over and shake their hand. Yeah. You know, it's like when people pay for VIP packages,

I feel bad for you. Yeah. I feel bad for you. For two reasons, I would never charge to do a VIP package because now I'm forced to talk to you and you're forced to talk to me. That's not a relationship.

Right. That's bullshit. I would never sell a VIP package. I want you to come up to me after the show. Take a picture. Tell me what you got to tell me and get the fuck out of here. Yeah. If you pay me the $85 for a VIP,

that means I got to hear your fucking air beating for two hours. Yeah. We don't have two hours. Right. I want you to come to the shows. I want you to enjoy yourself. I want you to take a picture. We're going to communicate while we're taking a picture,

and then you got to go. There's 200 people behind you. Right. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to, I don't ever want to take money from somebody to feel that I have to talk to them after a show. Yeah.

So they can come to a certain gated area. I think that is the most grossest. Is that how they do that? Yeah, like you sell VIP package and 20 people come in the back afterward and talk to you and you take a picture with them. Listen, how about we do this?

How about I don't sell your dick? You shake my hand. We take a picture. You go your way. I go my way. Yeah. We talk for the picture. two minutes you know you got to be consider of other people right and that's it and most people are but

here's so here's the thing that i'm running into right and so this is a good thing that i can ask you actually because you have experience is i'm noticing like so i'll go out after the first show right and there's a line like you say you know there's a hundred hundred hundred and fifty people want to say hey want to meet me and i want to meet them but then by the end of that i am so like just exhausted emotionally, bro. That then it's like the second show, I find myself being more temperamental because

like all of like your kindness and you're just your, it's you just feel a little empty, you know? And I don't mean that in a bad way. Like I don't care about those people. I don't, it just gets hard. You know what I'm saying though? And am I complaining? Is that like just like a... No, you're not

complaining. But people will listen to this have to decide what they want. I have to decide what do I want yeah me I want to see a fucking great show yeah when I go anywhere to a concert anything I want to see a great fucking show man that's it yeah I want to leave there going you know what my 26 dollars was worth it my 2750 was worth it so for me to do that guess what sometimes number one the shows are sold out yeah the staff as soon as I get that Thursday they say to me listen you sold out Friday and Saturday we only have one exit is there any way you can't come out in between shows

now you know anything about me that breaks my heart right yeah that's how I feel you know you got a babysitter I know you drove you paid the park I'm aware of all these things yeah but guess what I got to do best what's best for the club and for the people for the second show yeah somebody talked to my wife and to me selling t-shirts and I noticed that that emotional hour in between was by the time I got on stage the second show there was nothing left yeah that's what I'm starting to notice a little bit people there's nothing left there's nothing left the hugs the kisses the pictures you go back in it's showtime now you're running late because your people didn't get in yeah that show starts 25 minutes late that means there's 20 every time a minute ticks past showtime is one

One more minute, they'll be drunk. Right. Right, yeah, then they're drunker, not a babysitters later. There is nothing that pisses me off more than a club that starts a show late. Yeah, me either. You want to not make me come back to your club,

start a show late. Seven o'clock at 705. I understand people driving. Right. And 9.30 is 9.35. Yeah. I don't want to be on stage at 12.30 at night for a 9 o'clock show.

Yeah, fuck that. So what do you do then? What do I do? You know, man, if the first. first show is sold out, I cannot go out. If the first show is sold out, the club does not want you to go out. And your fans are okay with that? They have to be.

Yeah. They have to be. We're not in the picture business. We're in the comedy business. I'm in the business of giving you the best show that I can give you. Yeah. So for me able to be able to do that, A, I can't be out there in between shows, slinging shirts with glasses on, taking pictures. You're absolutely right. It draws your energy.

Yeah. You know, this is the way. week that everybody wants to take me out to dinner at five o'clock. Lysayat, you know me a long time. You don't see me after four. Yeah. You do not see me after fall. I will, when I go out in the morning, I will buy a protein bar.

Yeah. So I do not have to leave my room before after four o'clock. Yeah, you take a rest. Those three hours before the show, those are my time. Right. I put my feet up. I watch an episode of Sun's Anarchy. Yeah.

I hit the vapor pen and my notebook is wide open and there's a pen closed by. And I also got another notebook open somewhere else. For what is that? Whatever comes to my mind. Comedy over here and a story over here. Suns of Anarchy over here. A glass, two things of water, a pack of nicotine gum. Yeah.

And a vapor pen. And that's what I do from four to seven. That's cool, huh? Show starts at 7.30, about 6.15, I start stretching. I throw some punches. I turn the shower on. I let the shower get nice and hot. I start stretching a little bit just to get my body ball back. Yeah, man. Yeah.

What's what you do? No, I'm feeling you. I don't want to talk to anybody. Yeah. Hey, how you doing? You know, my agents, they're great. You sit here all week. Yeah.

And on Friday at 6.30, I want to call you with an offer. Listen, call your mother on a Friday at 630. I'm only concerned with the two shows. Yeah. That's all I'm concerned about. And this is what works best for you. This is what works best for me. Yeah.

A great headliner once told me, great headliner once told me that if you headline rest is the most important thing. For me to give the audience the show I want, there's no dinners are full. I'm not meeting you to smoke out. I'm not meeting nobody. Yeah.

I'm not meeting nobody. Man, it's so crazy. I need is a lot. I need to talk about this. When you pay 25 to $28,000, to see me yeah you don't see me out of the hotel there's no this Thursday I go to do a pot two podcasts in New York you see the show and Friday and I'm back in my room by one yeah and Friday I go to the cemetery and bring flowers for my mother yeah besides that

nobody sees me the reason why I stay where I stay is because there's two of my favorite places and they deliver yeah and this hotel has breakfast for free yeah I like that and even though it's a half a Hindu hotel yeah The eggs are good. It's white bread. And they got oatmeal. That's fucking out of this world. So I'm at least held over to one of my friends could pick me up at 10 or I take the fucking bus to the city or whatever.

Every city I go is planned out. Yeah. But I never take away from my show. That means there's no T-shirt. Yeah. There's no contact in between shows. In between shows I sit, I reflect on the last show and I reflect how the next show is going to be better. Interesting.

That's it I don't care if my mother's there I don't care if your grandfather's coming I don't really want to do much Yeah I don't really want to do much Wow wow Game day is game day for us

People work hard for their dollar And I have to give them Their value for their dollar And for me to give them the value For that dollar I gotta take care of myself Yeah that's what I'm struggling with right now I gotta take care of myself

I'm feeling exhausted So Friday night You stay up Like Friday night's my pill night. If somebody gives me a pill at the show, I take it, I bring back a protein bar, maybe a fucking... Banana? A banana. Yeah.

Maybe I have an apple from the lounge. I go upstairs and I drink soda and I watch two or three episodes or something. I have no curfew on Friday night. Yeah. That means Saturday morning I wake up nice and early. I eat breakfast, a nice breakfast. I smoke and joint. I go for a nice walk at 8.30.

I go for a half a mile walk. Just to let my body know I'm alive. I go back to the room, I watch a little Netflix, I pass out for another three hours. Now I get up, take a shower, and I go for a nice lunch, a nice cut of salmon. Yeah. A nice solid water.

You take good care of yourself. Yeah. And you go back to your hotel room and you write for an hour. Yeah. And while that hour, you're right and you're digesting your meal. Uh-huh. So now at 4.30, you go down to the hotel gym. Yeah.

And you stretch out, you do 25 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes on the bicycle, and you grow some weights around for 45 minutes. You get that funk out of your system, now that energy's... Because now you're building your own energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're working on your own cheat. Yeah, you're not letting the world just give you as a joke.

No, no. I don't want to hear you stupid stories, Jack. I ain't got time for that. I'd rather not have physical contact all day. And Lee knows anybody who goes on the road with me, they know. They see me for breakfast, lunch, and I don't see you until post time. If I love you to death, I don't want to see nobody. Yeah, man, that's interesting.

And that's the best show I could give you as Joey Diaz. If I deter from that plan, we don't have a good show. So after the second show, you'll do the pictures and stuff. Yes, after the second show, I'll do the pictures. Maybe I need to start trying that. Because I've been honestly, man... I know a thousand people don't do dick. There's a thousand people.

out there who don't do dick I will take pictures with you before shows I have a superstition not because one time in Columbus a hippie hugged me and he had armpit of debt oh yeah and it got on my shirt while I was on stage and he got grilling cheeses I could smell fucking onions for two shows now when I took pictures of people people looking at me like I smelled yeah you know you it takes a long time to come to terms with comedy by the way I always wanted to thank you for support me on the Netflix special you You showed up, Lee showed up on your own dime.

The response has been good, huh? The response has been great. But it's really weird. Even for that, I had too many distractions. Yeah. Like, I don't wait there. Yeah, in hindsight, even thinking about that, it's like. In hindsight, you see that.

It's like, man, that's like a lot of distraction. I don't want to do. I don't like that. I stick to my own thing. Yeah, in the future stick to what we do. I have a way for me to give you a good show. I have to do things. Please, I know.

I know your mother cooks the best chicken. I know you do that. That's all great. I really don't give a fuck. I really don't give a fuck. When I get off a plane, that's why when people contact me on the road to do a podcast, I'm not in your town to do a podcast.

That's never going to happen. Yeah, some guys, some group who offered me money to do it last week. I did my two podcasts for the week. That's it. When I go on the road, I don't want to do nothing. All I think about is stand-up comedy. And how I can make it better. Before I go to a town, I Wikipedia, Yahoo, kickboxing schools.

Have you got a good Muay Thai school? Might pop in there on Saturday. Why not? Meet some people. I have a little contact in the daytime with some new people. Yeah. And you blow their mind. They blow your mind.

And you're still back in your hotel room by 2 o'clock. Yeah. To your shower, you're right, you eat. You got to take good care of yourself. When you're a feature, it's a different story. you're an emcee it's a different story the world don't fall on your shoulders yeah you could go to watch the baltimore ravens and go to a game the world don't fall on your shoulders you're just doing 10 minutes when you're a feature act you think i gave a fuck when i was a feature act i won't have to dinner

yeah oh feetrack i don't get yeah you give a shit dude you can fucking i don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck but when you pay and i got a fucking you got a babysitter and you pay the park yeah and all those variables i got to be at the time you're i don't be at the time you're My game. There you go. That's the ghost telling you I'll have to die. I chair.

You got to be on your fucking game. It's getting late. Theo Vaughn, I love you. Any dates you want to promote, my brother? Any dates that I want to promote? Yeah, I'm going to be in Lexington. Great club. Yeah, I love this.

Broadway. Great club. Yeah. Great food. Great hotel. Yeah. Great city. Great city.

In December. That's when I'm going to be on there. So I'm excited that I'm going there in December where else? January. Don't worry about January. Just give them one death. Why confuse it? You got to assume they can't remember that fucking phone number.

And then, yeah, what else? Oh, I got your eye of favor. It was on this past weekend so you can check that out as well. And I just want to say thanks so much, Joe. You're always such a, you know, you're just a nice man. And you always make me feel welcome. And, you know, you call me a lot. And I just, I know that you care.

And I really feel that. I want to thank you so much. No, when I care about my blood, I can't by my blood. But I can feel it, but some people say that kind of shit in you, whatever. But I'm just telling you, I appreciate it, man. No, I know you do. Thank you. And I love you, Lee.

And I'm sorry that I'm if I made funny when I got in here. No, I love you, buddy. Bro, leave me alone. Don't worry about him. He's as tough as damn. Oh, yeah. The dude took fucking nine farce, bro. It's fucking, geez, like Iwo Jime over here on his neck.

No, that's a dead sentence. Like, the judge will tell you either four farts or 90 days. And most people take the 90 days. Yeah. This poor Jewish tank sat there and took five of the worst hearts you've ever smoked in your fucking life. Even I ever sitting here going, Jesus Christ, my intestine's about to pop out of my ass. Anyway, I love you guys with all my fucking heart, man. I want to thank Theo Vaughn.

I want to thank my main man, the Christ killer, who I love with all my heart, hoping to defend you with the comedy line to that. I just wouldn't be doing you any favors. I would take you somewhere. and then you still have to go back and do the work, and then you'd be more mad at me. So you always got to understand. I got your back in more ways than one.

Thank you very much for always being a great fucking sidekick and a friend and a dear supporter of what we do. And I'm very proud of you for doing comedy. And when the time comes, you're going to be right there with me. So good luck to you and your venture. You know, I love you to death and I support you. I break your balls, but I break your balls out of love. Oh, no, I understood.

A lot of people don't break your balls. they break your balls to be evil. You know I love you to all my heart. But anyway, forget the love I got for this fucking Jew. I love them with all my heart. That's my problem. I got a soft spot for Jews. I don't know why.

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And if you go to QIP right now, you'll get your first refill pack for free with a QIP electric toothbrush. That's how Uncle Joey takes care of you before the holidays. I want to thank QIP. I want to thank Stamps.com. and I want to thank Ridge for sponsoring the podcast but most importantly

I want to thank you people for two things for supporting the degenerates and for supporting our podcast for the last seven years you know who you are from Bob Lenghis to Bobby Sharon to Goose to fucking

my man the Greek up in Canada I'm watching you I know who the fuck you are my little comedian in Vegas who I love the death Freddie Correa I love all you motherfuckers So if I forget to say somebody, my man Scott Cunningham, I love you, Zall. Thank you for the support.

Thank you for the support on the Netflix special. And I'll see you, motherfuckers next Tuesday, ready to motherfuckin' rock a great week as podcast. Lee, kick this fucking mule. Stay black, baby.