The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #635 - Ryan Sickler

Episode Date: November 15, 2018

Ryan Sickler, a comedian and cohost of "The CrabFeast" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Ryan's new album, "Get a Hold of Yourself," is available for pre-order now and will be available November 20, 2018. This podcast is brought to you by:   Hims - Go to ForHims.com/joey for a trial month of everything you need to keep your hair - for just $5.   Robinhood App - an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETF's, options and cryptos - all commission free. Go to church.robinhood.com to get a free stock like Apple, Ford or Sprint. Streamed live on 11/14/18

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and get a trial month of $5. That's forhims.com slash Joey. Take that motherfucker mulee. Oh shit. November 15th. The church of what's happening now. Ryan Sickler, the Christ's killer. Uncle Joey.

Here we go. Here we go. Push that motherfucker. Busch in the bush. Listen to her in it up top. Kick that meal loop. Put some violent to that, what you?

Oh shit. It's the church of what's happening now. In the bush, this is Harvey's favorite song. Either he jumps out of the bush or he attacks your bush. Somewhere there's a bush in Harvey's life.

She likes it in the bush, bush. I bet she's not part of the Me Too movement. You know what I'm saying? Fuck it. Fuck to me. I like it. There you go. Put it in my ass.

There you go. What? It's Thursday morning, cocksuckers. Here we go. Here she is. There she is. That's Obama's wife right there. That's Michelle Obama.

That's Michelle Obama. There you go. As my girl, Michelle, looking good with the book and shit. She don't mention my name of the book. book, but she better talk about me in the book. Here we go. This is for Mrs. Obama. Oh, shit.

Fuck, yeah, I ordered that book. Someone who knows Mrs. Obama has to listen to this book. I swear to God, I got a crush on Mrs. Obama. She gained like 10 pounds. I don't care. I think she's fine. But she's looking good in those polyester suits. You see her on fucking Good Morning America? Oh, my God. She looks good.

Oh, my God. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Thursday morning. The man, the legend themselves, Mr. Ryan Sickler. straight out of Baltimore before the fucking wire. You know what I'm saying? He lit the wire. This motherfucker lit the wire and left. Thank you for having me on.

What's going on, brother? Good to see. That's good to see you. This is what I want to say first for I say anything about myself. I watch your degenerate special. I thought it was fantastic. Thank you. And I don't want to blow your cover,

but a lot of people know this and some people, maybe they don't. You're the nicest fucking guy. Like, you really care about people. I tell everybody, like, Joey Diaz, you see that guy on stage. That's that dude. But you know what that dude also does? Calls you.

Not text. You call. How you doing? Right. Every time. Checking on me all the time, man. I can't thank you enough for it. You got to torture your friends.

You're great, though. A lot of people don't do that. You're really good at it. Listen, man, I'm sick and tired of people saying I have no friends. You got a lot of friends. You don't, friendship doesn't come because you're such a nice guy. Either you can have millions of dollars and buy your friends. or you could earn people's friendship.

And one way to earn people's friendship is when the peanut butter jar broke, the peanut butter is on the floor, your kids yelling, you're late for an audition, you're going crazy, and all of some of the phone rings, and somebody just doesn't want something from you.

They just call you to go, hey, man, I was thinking about you. That's so not. Right there in that moment, even though everything's going on for somebody to say dog the end night

at the comedy store I saw you and I forgot to tell you your set was brilliant you know something about Saturday night a couple weeks ago I went up there

and who's the guy that had the show when we first started comedy with the long hair Tom Rhodes was up before brilliant the set he did was brilliant Tom's great took me five days

to remember to call him and call him and I go hey man I'm calling you to hello but I'm calling you to say that you set the other night was brilliant that comedians don't humans don't have that no more when I got a text message that says happy birthday or happy Thanksgiving Merry Christmas that I'm guilty of it too so I want to call you up and say you know what I hope your mother gets hit by an Amtrak

because you got no she raised you the wrong way don't you fucking text me Merry holidays you pick up that phone you don't you don't Don't call. Don't even bother. Don't waste your time. I want to hear your voice. I want to know what you're feeling. I'm friends with you. I know what makes you tick. I think it's beautiful. And if you don't do that, you're not going to have friends. Everybody wants to have friends. I want to have a friend that if I stab a motherfucker, my wife says, Ryan Cicler called. Your bail is a half a mill, but he's got 25 that he can lend you until you get out and do a benefit. There you go. That's not friend. Those aren't the same people that come to your birthday party at La Mirage. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God.

To a wonderful man, let's raise our champagne glasses. That don't happen. That's only in the movies. That's what you're looking for. You're going to die with nobody. You're going to die alone because those people only come when your pocket to full. They're not going to be there when your pockets are empty.

I look at how many people are around me when my pockets were empty and I was struggling in comedy. And I look at where they are. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Those people now come to the shows and juries, like last week I did Gotham. I saw people there that I used to make go to open mics. You know when they make you bring four people?

There were kids in that crew that I would bring to those things. Like 20 years ago. Really? You got to me a big favor. Before you go to the city, until I'd stop at Stand Up, New York, and just pay for a ticket. It's eight bucks. And they would go for you, I'll do it. And they would bring, like, six of them would show up, and they'd spend.

600 at the bar and they'd be snort in the bathroom and the club all that would go listen you could come here whenever you want as long as your friends come because they'd spend four five hundred at the bar I still talk to those people you know those people were there when I was doing open mics dude I'm still friends with guys from elementary school I'm still strong good friends with guys from elementary school

middle school and high school there's a couple college people but the core of my friends back home And I see every time I go home, I see a good chunk of them. You know, everybody's got kids and things now, but still, we still have to make time to get together. But they're all from back in the day, all of them. And every day I go, I got to call this guy. It'll take me three days to call them. But in the meantime, I'll call other people.

But it'll take me three days to go. I got to call this fucking God. Wait a second. This guy works nights. I'll call them on my way to the comedy store. Right. On my drive. You know, Timmy works nights.

But that's beyond considering someone. It's also their schedule. and when you can actually think you got a shot at getting a hold of them instead of just throwing on a voicemail that no one listens to anymore anyway. You know what I mean? Like, remember when it used to be like, you had to be somewhere to get that fucking call. You had to be right here to get this call.

Then it came call waiting. You were like, oh, my God, two people think enough of me to call me at the same fucking time. Like, holy shit, hang on a second. Then you got the answer machine. It was like, let's listen to this message. Now I see people on their phone with 300 missed fucking calls and 80 voicemails. I'm like, what the fuck happened?

What happened? I don't know if you guys have run into this. It blew my mind just as I grew up on the phone. There's a lot of people, especially my age and a little bit younger, who say they get anxiety about being on the flag. They don't want it. They won't make calls to anybody. That doesn't make sense to me,

but people can get anxiety about anything, I guess. I like the personal aspect of life. I think that if you don't want it in your life, You don't have to have it. For me, I prefer that contact. You know, I like talking to my friends I grew up with instead of talking to these people in L.A. And like, you could do so much in L.A.

to have people in your corner that say yes to you. Yeah. You could hire four people and have a big payroll and everybody's saying yes to you and getting your coffee and you could yell and make scenes. And he's having kids. a bad day to who gives a fuck you know what keeps me grounded is in the morning when i call one of my buddies from my school and like i told brodie stevens they're delivering a fedex package

and they're making 1250 an hour at 55 and they're running up and downstairs and i go to a comedy main room on a tuesday and pick up 300 dollars or something like that you know and i'm sick thing into myself it it brings my it levels me it does it's a balance yeah We've, uh, years ago, 10, 12, 13 years ago, a company ran a commercial. And it's a sales force. And the guy walks back in and he starts giving everybody a plane ticket. Lee Syatt, here you go. Ryan Sickler, here you go.

Tony Bananas, here you go. Johnny Gumbad, here you go. They're all looking at that plane tickets. And he goes, ladies and gentlemen, I looked at the stats of the company. And I looked at the national stats. sales are down because we do everything on these things like this was a commercial and he goes we're going back out there talking to people and we're going to get back in people's faces that's how you sell accounts good luck gentlemen they were like looking around like at each other and it said like the name of the company if their salesman make account but it's true we've forgotten all those personal little things that person and I learned those little things when I sold cars I was two things. Guess what I used to do a lot.

A lot more than I do now. I was a letter writer. You were? I loved writing letters. To who? Whoever. You would do it for someone? Like I could say, hey, oh, no, no, no.

This is a pen pals? This is contact. Prison inmates? Yeah, I was going to say, I'm not trying to make a joke. Was it from you being in prison? No, this was something that I learned to my guy named Carmine Balzano. When I was growing up. That is the most Italian fucking thing.

This guy got caught with my shirt. guns. This guy got caught with fucking, you know, not paying parking tickets, rip them tickets up. You'd come to him and go, I got $1,000 and tickets and he'd rip him up. This guy lived corruption. But what he did was write letters

to editors. And he would get his stories always printed. He was a letter writer. And I would look at that, and he'd always say the pen is mightier than the sword sometimes. You know, he'd say in his words, sometimes the pen is mighty than the gun.

And, you know, like he was a cop. And something, he did something. Just, I got into writing letters. And if somebody did something, like Timmy Holloway, put up some pictures of me the other day. And he goes, he asked his father, where did you get these pictures from? He goes, after Coco left,

he wrote this letter to thank us for everything we had done from. And he included those pictures. He was fine. I was a letter writer. I love sending out letters. but when you go to prison, when you go before a judge, before I went in front of that judge, I wrote that judge 15 letters.

You did? Oh, yeah. Talking about what? What happened, what my situation was, what I learned from it, you know, but the probation report said I still didn't have any empathy. Like I wasn't taking responsibility for the situation. But I built a relationship way before I went into.

And once he sentenced me, I wrote him letters in prison. You did. Thank you. Was it a lenient? Was it more of a lenient sentence because you had established that connection with him? He told me that I could, my lawyer could set a motion for reconsideration in 90 days. Wow. That means a good judge, too, though.

That's a good judge. Because that guy could have been like, fuck this guy. I also had a friend of mine that was, his brother was a dentist. And my friend was best friends with that dentist. And he went to him and played God for him. So I reached out to that. that guy had to reach out to the dentist. You hit every angle.

And the dentist said to him, because I've never done this for anybody else, but I'll do it for you because it seems like you really like the kid. So he talked to the judge. So because he did that, I kept in touch with that judge for years. I got sentenced in 88, and I was still writing letters to that judge in 92.

93. Oh, yeah. I'm a savage. I was out of the system. I had no reason to write him a letter. but I would still write them letters and one day I got in trouble and I got taken to civil court

by my ex-wife and who was the judge? No, come on. And I'm writing them letters about our situation and she's not letting me see the baby. I don't know what to do. He's not replying. Right. But he's getting these letters.

But he knows and he's reading them too. You got to remember when you're a judge you want to move up politically. So when a person dies funeral parliament, makes 250 mask cards. That means that every time I come in contact with Ryan Sickler, if I treat Ryan Sickler the wrong way,

he's going to tell 250 people that Joey Diaz is a dick, or Lisa Ayat's a dick. You have to assume that. When you have contact with somebody, their reach is 250. Their reach is 250. So when you go up in front of a judge, and you're going up there, let's say, for manslaughter,

And you did plead out and you know, it was mitigating circumstances. I'm getting nervous just thinking about being in front of a judge for a slaughter right now. Let's say you negotiate with your attorney zero to nine years. The judge could give you anything zero to nine years. If I show up into that courtroom with 20 people to all talk on my behalf. And they're allowed to get up and speak? What's 20 times 250? Let's see.

Yes. $25,000. So that judge, instead of, give me nine years it's going to give me six and a half that's great that's how you have to work did you and did that did help you out in that civil case it did benefit oh yeah you told the next time you come up in here and you don't give them the kid I'm gonna find you a thousand bucks and throw you in jail for contempt she fucking turned red some of them bitches got carpaltoa over there fucking write me so much it was funny because I was telling

last night I took my jitu teacher to the comedy store yes the last the last Since Jersey, I've been writing a lot again in the book. And I thought about the story that was fucking cruel. Whenever I go to New York and perform, I swear to God, I always see this kid that I grew up with. And he just waves at me. And one time in Jersey, I looked at him, and I double looked at him, and I'm like, I know this guy.

And I went over and gave him a hug, but he didn't want to take a picture. He didn't even want to talk. And then I saw him again in New York. Then I saw him again last summer in the Borgata. Just by accident? I always just see him. Really? And he just waves.

He's like an extra in your life. Like an extra mile. But there's more to the story. I was very good friends with him and his family growing up. I see. He had two other brothers. One was a wrestler and the other one was a gangster. The wrestler, I sold upster.

Black beauties. Got to drop that weight, man. He. He. Since their last name started with a D, I became friends with him and home room. And he was dear friends with a dear friend of mine. And I loved this kid like a brother, and he loved me like a brother. I used to go to his arm, but throughout the years, my relationship with the younger brother selling them the pills.

This kid knew he wanted to be a cop when he was 10. So he would tell me to stay away from his older brother. But his older brother made me 25 Gs when I was 17 one time. handed it to me an envelope i love 25 grand it's 17 25 20 grand in 20 dollar bills oh it was a fucking two rubber bands stacked together fresh bills out of a bank he robbed the bank no no no no at that time he was already in with these good dudes and he used to this was crazy this is crazy I went to him and said can you do this and he was a drive-to through tower

okay yeah I remember he put in the tube and there was two checks because I'll do it but I gotta keep one you keep the other one you keep the higher one I'll keep the low one that was his cut away with it and then later on he became he grew in the bank even though he was involved with a crime family he grew in this bank

and then in the early 80s when everybody he wanted to be a drug dealer. He would take money out of a vault on a Friday at 3 and give it to you. Like he'd give you 60 for 85,000. But you better have that money back Sunday night

at 9 o'clock. That was his back. His back. Yeah. He would take money out of the vault. That's nuts. To pick up two or three kilos to move them. And he'd take a percentage of your earnings. But I mean, that's what he would

give you 60 for 85. I'm a bag fault he's taking it. 60 for 85 and nobody do nothing. And they never got caught? Never got caught. Holy shit. Everyone was always good with the money.

And there was a loan shark that I would borrow from. I was into him for thousands. Because I would go up to him and say, you know, Ryan's dick? Yeah, a good kid. Comes to the bar. He knocked up his girlfriend. He gets to get an abortion.

He's 500. He doesn't want to ask you. So you wouldn't even know you were taking a loan out from the guy. I'm paying him. drink the money. I'm getting beat down two months later, not even knowing why. So because I was going up to him as like the

go-between, he was giving me 10% anyway. So he thought I was giving you the loan. So you're getting 10% on your own loan that he thinks is my fucking money. And when you don't pay that back, he ain't coming to you. And there you are at the bar drinking, having a good time. He'd be sitting there. Fucking bad across the back. No, he'd be there watching

and you'd be buying drinks for people. No, I know. On his money, yeah. Hilarious. I had one kid that owed him like 40 grand. He didn't even know it. That's insane. And after I left, he was going there and shoot pool,

and that's when the guy went up to him when they said, though, was my 40. What are he talking about? So now we and him were wanted by this guy. So I leave. This started with him being a great friend. That's his number one friend in the world. I leave for nine months.

I come back. And this bar is still the hot spot, North Bergen. It's called Joan Marries. And the owner owns it. And he lives upstairs, the loan shark. But over the year, I heard that he got sick, and he wasn't in the bar a lot. I'll never forget this. So there's a front door, and there's a back door.

And there's a bunch of people shooting pool. Me and Stinky, the guy that I told him that bought the 40 grandparent, we're walking back to the door, like tiptoe. And we're not going to the back door. We're like, is George in there? And the guys that are shooting pool? what? They're like, come in and we're like, is George in there?

They're like, no, an awesome year. No, George is up here. And we looked up with George. He goes, how are you guys doing? I haven't seen you a while. I hope you have some money from me. We're like, we do, George, come on down. And he goes, I'll be right down.

He closed the window. We just took off running. And I never saw Joyce the fucking lone shark. What years was, by the way? 83. So 40, $40,000? Like, what is it? Oh, he's dead.

He was 60. I know. I know you don't owe him now. I'm just saying, like it's a lot of there's a lot of money now. There's a guy out there that was him 250,000 that Joey had on him somewhere. I didn't ever even know. Oh my God, it was fucking hilarious.

Hey, can I promote my album real quick for I fucking forget to do that? No, we'll do that deal. I'm going to forget nothing. I want to tell you a story though. I came with a story to tell you because I think you'll appreciate this story. So when I was in college, I went on a run of like 0 for 21 trying to get jobs. And I was a hustler.

I've been on my own. whole time I've always worked. I've always had multiple jobs. Were these resume jobs or like a job of Burger King? A little bit of both. It was a record and tape trader, you know, anywhere I could, anywhere I could try to get some summer resume and end up going downtown Baltimore. I go to this, it's like an employment office. And I am the white guy in the room of like 150 people. I'm the white guy. And it's for you, P.O. Yes. Okay, shout out the UPS Baltimore Hub primary one, Joe Avenue.

And I end up getting hired as a Christmas helper, a seasonal helper, they call them driver's helpers, right? And they said, look, the guy that runs this route that's been doing this for years is hurt, his backs fucked up. So we've got this younger kid in his 30s on the gig. I was in college. I'm 21, two. And they're like, he's got to do his next day air packages, meaning he's going to take that

package truck. he's going to deliver all the ones that are priority by 10 a.m. At 10 a.m., he's going to pull up on your street. He's going to beep the horn, and you're going to walk out of your house. You're going to get in the past your side of that truck, and you guys are going to start delivering packages all through Baltimore County in this area. And you're hustling. The deal is he does the packages on his side of the truck.

I do them on my side of the truck. Now, this is before Amazon and all that shit. So we're hustling. It's nonstop. They're letting you work overtime until we go 10 a.m. till 9 at night, go back to the hub. So it's one day. Their fucking,

what is it? The rules for package delivery is out of sight, out of, in the city you have to get a signature. You leave that shit on the steps in Baltimore City. 10 people come running for that fucking thing. But in the county, out of sight, out of weather. A lot of people at a deck, you could put it under there,

whatever. You let them know where it was. So this delivery on my side here, and I get this package, and I go up and I wrap on the door, and I can hear people in the house, and nothing. So I go around the back, and I wrap on the door back there. I can totally hear them in the house. Shit's going on. I go back around again.

You know, we're hustling, so the driver's like, what's going on? I'm like, I don't know, man. I can hear people in here. They're just not answering. So, again, I'm ringing the bell, knocking on the front door, nothing. I go back around the back again to leave the package under the deck. And while I'm back there, just for the hell of it, I bang one more time. Nothing.

We go on about our day. We get back to the hub 9 o'clock at night, and the supervisor comes up, and he's like, how about that crazy guy on your route today? Now, look, we're in Baltimore. Like, there's a shitload of crazy people all fucking day we're seeing. We're going through the same neighborhoods all day. We see these people. So, uh, he has crazy people in the route all day.

He goes, no, man, the murder. And we're like, what? He's like, the murder. I'm like, both of us are we don't know what you're talking. about. He's like, this address right here where you delivered, that guy killed two people, and he was burying them in the basement while I was there. This motherfucker, I just looked it up again the other day. I'll send you the link. I thought it was about $7 or $800. It was somewhere, it was under $300. This guy owed these two,

it wasn't, this ain't even dealers. These are fucking friends that borrow money. And he had a house in Arbutus, and it's where we were. And there's two, cars on the yard. You could have sold those to a salvage yard got this money for it. You know what I mean? They'd have come out and towed it for you. You could have paid these guys off. But he goes out to where I grew up, Carroll County, and meets these two dudes. And instead of giving them the money, he kills these motherfuckers right there. Puts them in his car, drives him back to his house, and then starts to bury him in the basement. Now, what he didn't know is one of those dudes had just had a newborn with his girlfriend. So his girlfriend calls the police after he's been gone for hours.

she hadn't heard from anybody. And there's no cell phones or anything. And the police, she says, they went to this Patapsco State Park to meet this dude. His name is this. He lives here. So my baby's in this car. So they go, and the baby's fine.

Baby's there. But she gives them everything they need. They go to this dude's house. This motherfucker killed these two dudes. And he's digging up his basement to try to bury him in the basement. But he busts the water a lot, a pipe or something. And the bodies can't be buried. He just floating there.

So when they show up, they're just there. These two fucking bodies, and they take the dude away. And I'm out there beating on the fucking door trying to deliver a fucking UPS bag. He's like, I got your lie, man. That was fucking insane. He probably never got your package. Hell no. He never got that package.

It was under the deck. He might have. But the cop got his ass. And now he's gone. I just looked it up the other day. It's a link on the Baltimore Sun. I was like, what the fuck. It's amazing what you would have to do.

Right. Now you're going to get caught anyway because To kill two Say you pick up the bodies and put them in your trunk of your car Blood everywhere All right DNAs That means you got to light that car on fire At the end of the fucking jobs

Now you gotta take them somewhere Wrap them dig a hole Throw lime on them To help the body decompose And hope that fucking Johnny Jaga Doesn't come by You know how fucking heavy your body is Imagine when it's dead

and you got to drag it. I mean, I've carried a couple buddies that drank too much that weight and they're, it failed like 500 pounds. I love in movies when they show a guy just digging up a body. That guy is, that's an all-night job. Sounds like you. I was going to go, you got to go three or four feet. I was going to say, you keep saying this with like so much knowledge.

You got to go three or four feet and you got to cover it. Good. And you got a whole, and then you got to. That's hours. It takes you by yourself with a regular show. It's hours. Hours. That's why you have to have.

I've dug in ground pools and it's taking days. That's why you have to have the whole drug already by the time you kill the people. If you're going to go to make the drug deal, so you destroy them in the fucking pool. $200, Joe, D.S. Yeah, but I know, listen, there's people that'll kill you over 35. You know what?

You're right about that. There's people that'll kill you over 20. Yeah, you're right. You know, me, it'd have to be two guys carrying 22 kilos of blow, you know, and then you got to chop it up. Somebody's got to help you with that job. So that means you got two people who know you're a secret. That's right.

So now I've got to kill you and put you in the hole. While you're digging, I got to shoot you and take the money because now I've got to live the rest of my life knowing that. That's the truth. You know this. 20 years from now, I'm in my backyard. They knocked the door down. Lee got popped with heroin in Upper Manhattan.

This is the gem he gave him. That we bet he takes him right to the body and they find my fucking t-shirt on the grave and the sweat. There you go. That's how quick you go away now. That's how quick you go away. That's very vivid. Hey, I've thought about it. Clearly you thought about that shit.

And then you got to take your car and burn it. So now, six weeks later, the cops are going to come to you. You're already an alleged suspect. They already came and spoke to you. You told him you you haven't seen nobody. And now they're going to come back to you and say, Mysterious, we found your car on fire because you can't hide that. I'm pretty sure this guy wouldn't have a plan.

Yeah, no. You know what I'm saying? He did not have a plan. A man without a plan is not a man. That's right. But that's why it kills me when people get caught for murder. Because I know for over 20 years, people not in my neighborhood, but in those five boroughs in New York, we're killing people on a daily and making the body disappear.

How? No body, no murder. If you want to send a message, then you leave the message. then you leave the body on the street. But if you want the body to disappear, Ryan Sickle was here. We did the podcast. Listen to it.

They come back, no body, no nothing. I have to have that pre-planned. I have to have tape in the car. Tape and the baggie. I got to bury you with a fucking cap on because I got to shave my head before I kill you and my body hair. You have thought a lot about this.

You have to. Do you? You might have to. When I was going through my shit years ago, this is what, you know, this is what I learned. Who do you learn from? The guy in Denver? In prison or out of prison? Out of prison, way before prison.

Way before. Three or four years before prison. And then you just learned from watching guys and reading how many murders the mob got done with that you'll never see the people. They just got rid of the bodies. but people get in trouble for murder every day. If you cover every trace, there's a lot of steps. I was going to say these days, an eyelash will get you. A eyelash, a fucking clone with a camera.

You know what? Right about that. They're flying these days. Listen, as far as I'm concerned, you know, it's funny. When I grew up, I grew up around these old-time Cubans that would not even have a conversation if a phone was in the room.

like if there was a phone on the desk they'd go outside and talk they were already hip to the NFL the microphones the feds in the 80s and 70s would bounce that off the glass so even if you were standing in front of a bodega the feds could point at you with those guns and get the vibrations of what you're saying off the glass they were hip to that they wouldn't even talk around glass wow they were talking the middle of the street on concrete very hard, very hard to tape, unless you know they're going to have a conversation at that.

Right. Then you fly a drone over here, but there was no drones. Now back then. Now there's not much you could do. Look at this. I said it for years. Look, somebody just got arrested for Alexa. You want to buy Alexa and talk shit in front of it.

You go to jail. I heard they help solve a murder or something, right? Yeah. I don't want Alexa close to my fucking house. These phones are the kiss of death. They tape everything. They do. These phones, they tape everything.

Dude, shit I will talk about. A pop up in my feed. It happens all the time. It's recording everything. This is recording everything. Absolutely. When you're jerking off in front of the camera in front of you porn and you're going back and forth looking Chinese, your eyes are rolling.

There's video. They got bad on paper. The sad part is it's probably in those terms of service that we all agree to because who's going to read it. At any day, we can make a montage of you and put it out on YouTube. I think for years, I've always said when you go to the bathroom, out of playing, that mirror they're watching you. That's too much an investment for them not to be watching.

Keep a little camera behind there and keep an eye on whatever the fuck you're doing back there. Way before 9-11. In my paranoid coke came mine, I was even scared to do bumps in the bathroom. I would sit down and make believe I was taking a shit and then bend my head down and do two bumps of coke. And I wipe my ass and everything. Like if I did, I get up and show my dick. Never got caught. Never got caught.

Never got caught. I have an aunt that she was on. You know, we used to think she was crazy. and now I think she was right. But she had, back in the phone, home phone days, she would hear her phone click and gone. New number. Right away.

New fucking number. And we would always be like, you're fucking crazy. And now I see that they admit they've been listening and everything else. I'm like, you fucking, you were on to it early on. In the 80s. She'd be like, why don't you call me?

I'm like, because I don't have your new fucking nut. You changed 10 numbers this year. I knew when I was a kid, I read something once. that different words activated, different computers, bomb, cocaine, the word eight ball, different things. Like programming into this, and then when it hears it, it'll start picking it. It starts picking it out. Oh, shit.

I know in the 80s and 70s, I know this for a fact that if I tapped Ryan Sickler's phone, I would have to, by law, go to the phone box because there was not just a cable box. Oh, that old school gray box? Box. Okay. And if you open that box and looked on your tag, there would have to be a tag on it that said FBI,

County Sheriff's Office, Prosecutor's Office. So legally they have to identify. I identify 99% of people never go look at that box and not even know it's on there in the first place. I had a red box in 87. What's a red box? The cop got me a red box in 87. It's something that you plug into your phone.

If the light turns red, they'll tell you if your phone is tapped. Did it ever? Yes. Did it? Yes. Towards the end of Boulder. A home phone, you like plug it in? Yes.

And they're tapping you for what do you think? Do you know at that time? At that time, it was drugs. I was involved in the drug ring. And they're just listening to see if they can gather as many people as they can and put them all together. Damn. You should never say, I was raised not to say anything on the phone. And it was fun.

because my stepfather was anti-phone and he would yell at my mother all the time don't fucking say shit on the phone don't talk about numbers don't talk about anything and my eighth grade year my mother still had the bar but she had two phones she had a pay phone that rang behind the bar and then she had a private phone in her office so if you called the bar phone she could pick up a phone behind the bar but the phone in the phone booth would ring one day somebody made a drug deal on that phone and they came and arrested my mother

they did because the phone was in her name she didn't go to prison right but she made an attorney right blah she made her life hell it made her life hell yeah it was one of the things that started the beef within her and my stepfather

that they split up because he told her for years don't say shit on that phone That's every fucking mafia movie you've ever seen Don't talk on the front Don't say a fucking word Keep it light Everything was code

Even if you could avoid code You know All you gotta say is Ricla Meet me at the coffee shop Number three Have three of different four coffee shops So you know what number one is What number two is

Number one is the Starbucks on Nankisham Number two is the Starbucks on Laurel Canyon And like that they can't catch it After a while They're gonna catch on by that time you're going to switch on him again. Number two is now Laurel King.

If they're all listening. I love the criminal mind, man. I mean, some of those people were so masterful. If they would have put it toward anything, they would be fucking. I respect it. I do too. I love it. I love it.

Parts of me. It's a way of thinking. That I respect it because I respect the guy like Sammy the Bull Gravano, for example. Never mind he was a rat. Let's pretend we don't know nothing. Sammy the Bull was dyslexic and quit school in the eighth grade and when he went to jail

one of his many businesses let's say his worst racket he was making 15,000 a week a loan shark damn he was making 60,000 a month Jesus Christ

that doesn't even include right just loan sharking 20,000 to Lee 50,000 of Ryan Sickler to shoot his video but you're going to give me 75 on that 50. You're going to pay me every fucking week on time with tax onto the principal.

And people do it. It's a way of life of people. It's a school loan. Yeah. It is a school loan. You're right. It's a school loan. But at that time,

potentially deadly interest. Just on that alone. Like a guy like that when God he let him loose, you know, it's well known. If you read anything about Samuel Bougavanaugh. He owned a that did everything in the construction tray.

Marble floors, Italian floors, cabinets. So they could do the whole thing. So he would bid and he would win the bids. And people going to John Gotti go and don't, we can't get work. Sammy has the city locked up that tight. He was in bed with Trump. He was way in bed with Trump. Everybody knows that.

And he was just building buildings. You know what a square foot of concrete cost you in Iowa, 10 cents. You know the Square Creek, a concrete cost in New York, $2.10. That's the mafia tax. Yeah.

The mafia tax is making $3 million a month just off concrete. Every time the mafia would see concrete getting bored, they beep the horn. We'll make money today. It's crazy. When you see that type of, when you see a guy that,

makes zero to 60 and you can't fucking put it together. You can't put it together in your life, but these guys' minds are completely different. I have a chapter in the book dedicated to the guy's mind that twisted me. I gave him his own chapter because he was four steps in front of you. It was something that I had never seen before.

Like in what way? Like, would you go to him for advice, or would he just always be telling you, like, here's how it goes or like how to that go? I watched him. I watched him. I watched him and I studied him. You know, in the beginning of fell on Black Days,

one of the lyrics whatsoever I feared has come to life, you know? And there's times I find myself being him, even though I hated him. Because of being him in a way he was, meaning you're four steps ahead of what these people were thinking. He was already, he had money. If you looked at him, he would give you the impression that all you'd look at him and go, now, that guy's a bum.

He plagued you to the last minute. He always kept you guessing. I loved that element of life. And then he would fuck with people without them knowing he was fucking with them. That's another element of life. Yeah. Like, I'll put on a sweatshirt backwards that drives people crazy,

which it shouldn't. It shouldn't. Yeah, it's shouldn't at all. You know how many people go out to me and go, you know, you sweatshirts on backwards? It drives them crazy. You know, for years I had pants that I would purposely put a hole by my dick. So my nuts sack could pop out. So you have to see my nuts sack.

You put that in yourself? I did it myself. I would have got a little hole and rip it open a little more. I had one one time where my balls stuck out, but it would have to see my nuts out. This has to see my nutsack. And then when you come to me and say, there's a hole in your nut sack, I go, can I ask you a question? Why are you looking?

And it cracks people. You can hear them. It's psychological. Why are you trying to crack people? Because you're too stupid. Think about what's in front. You don't be looking at my balls. The fuck you're looking at my balls for it.

Look ahead. Straight ahead and shut your mouth and pay attention. I love that criminal mind. He, I do. He was my stepfather. And I'll never forget, they caught me with a knife. One time they, like I was so out of control before I went to Catholic school that they would have to do drop-bys on me. So they would drop me off at my godmother's house and I would never know when they were coming.

So my godmother would tell me in the morning. They're going to be here at five. And next thing you know, I was running down the street with a pocket full of cash and I'd see my mother and I'd be dirty and she'd go, come here. And he would tell me, turn around. They'd search me and I'd have a knife. I'd have $22 on me Where'd you get this from? You're in the third grade.

So in my mom, put a ban, and anybody giving me money. Like, anybody who came to the bar? Oh, you would hustle those guys? Yeah, they were the kids. When I was a kid, I'd go to the bar, and I tell them jokes.

You know, they'd be one of those guys and they'd give me a five to get rid of me. Yeah, yeah, $5. We'll buy some candy. I'm over here trying to suck this chick's pussy, and you want to tell me about Batman. Get the fuck out of it. So I'd go to the bar and work it for like 20-30.

When you're fucking eight in 1970, $40, like a hundred-hour bill. So I would go up to Harlem and buy weapons. We're gonna weapons. Stars, throwing stars. We would take the 8th train to Chinatown and fucking, they would sell you the stars

that weren't sharpened. So you go back home and throw them against the tree and they wouldn't stick. Then you have to go to a local hardware store. And Harry, the fucking guy, wouldn't want to do it. I'm not responsible. You didn't do you.

Come on, Harry. That's all sparking. Like, I'm not responsible. So Harry would say, he'd sharpen him for you? Oh my God, this guy will, he would say, I won't do it. I won't do it, I won't do it. There's always a guy, man. After a week, we would break his window, and then he would do it a week.

We'd break his fucking window, and then a week later, I'll sharpen it you, fucks. You know, these kids were way ahead of the fucking curves. So my stepfather searching one day and found the 007. All right, but wait, why is he, is this a daily thing, or you just were in trouble a lot? So now he's, all right. So now he's checking you because you've been a hell. I look at my daughter the other day and I'm bouncing on my lap. She's going to be in the first grade.

I still remember vividly in the first grade. I was stealing the teacher's editions of books with the answers and selling them to kids. Selling them. You were even the teachers. No, I was even selling them to the kids like for a dollar, 50 cents, a can of soda. I'll never forget the teacher going. Where's all my teacher's editions book? Like I would rob every single.

teachers edition including hers with the notes and everything how much were you saw them for whatever 50 cents as long as I could buy like a record out and a candy bar this lot yeah I was already into that trouble they used to have this thing called SRA standard reading assessment and you went up in colors but the last thing was the answers not one of them had answers I had all the answers to SRA so the only way you can move up is my first grade D's six right now third grade I was already hustling like I already knew the word of hustle where do you keep this stuff like you had a locker I would have money under my in the closet and the shoe you know I would hide different

things and then I didn't start stealing I never stole from my mother but I'd steal from one at an early age when he married my mother and he moved in he would always leave money on top of the counter and I would look and I would take a 20 and he would fucking catch me every time he would take like a hair out and put it on top. He would flip the rubber band twice. He would put tape on the door and I would never see it. That's my old one, tape on the door.

That's a old detective. All type shit, you know. Were you in the room? No. How can you not be in the room? The tape was broken. And, you know, he always busted me. I'm like, this motherfucker. So he started shaking me down.

So before I left the house, I would have to shake down. So that I would do. Oh, they pat you down. on the way out and on the way in. Oh, yeah. When I lived in New York City, I would have to lift my hands up

and they would pat me down on the way out and on the way in. So if I had a weapon, I would have to throw out the window. I would have to call my friend on the eighth floor and go go outside. I'm going to throw you the fucking BB gun outside the window.

I had a BB gun, but I was like in the third grade. It was called a Marksman Repeater. Dig up a Marksman repeater. Marksman Repeater was brilliant. They cost 10 bucks and they delivered them to your house. Your mom never even knew it.

They brought it to your house. Yeah, they asked you a question. Were you 21 and 48th? Look up a marks from repeater. Oh, my God. Look at the size of these things. I had a Daisy 880. It was a pellet and BB.

Wait until you see this marksman repeater. And so who would bring it to your house? The store would do it? The mailman. You would go on a fucking website. Oh, you'd order it. It wasn't an in-town guy. Look at the Marksum Repeater.

It's the second one. Look at what that thing. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's one of those metal ones. I've had one of those. I had one of those in the third grade, but the specialty about the marks and repeat it was, the third one.

The third one? And doesn't the front right here flip up like this? Yes, and that shot darts. It shot darts, pellets, and BBs. Yeah. So I was a three-way fucking killer. I could shoot you with a dart. I could shoot you with a pellet.

You know how many fucking people I shot with pellets for no reason? Just fucking shot them on 148th Street. It's like from my window because I was a geek. I used to build fucking models. So the model was the first thing I'd do to, to, but I've been thinking about a marching repeater for a week now. You know how much damage I caused it that fucking thing?

When my parents caught me with that, my mom snapped. Like, she just snapped. She was brokenhearted. So they put me in a Catholic boarding school. Because of this right here. That was it. That and the knife just killed my mother. And she was like, that's it. I'm putting you with the nuns to fucking straight back. See, my dad

was good about it. My dad gave us a knife my dad gave us the BB gun like I know but you were you were in a lot of fucking trouble already plus that was until middle school and you were in first fucking great third grade they're sure and watch and repeat it I would wait all day the box you get delivered to your house and you could buy pellets anywhere yeah and I would fill my pockets remember you get like a milk carton of them yeah I would fill my pockets yeah I would fill my pockets with the pellets because the BBs you could put like 30 BBs in there so it was like a machine though I

the shoot lead the time he left you all the way to the time he got to his car just belt them with bibies all over the place the pellets you had one of a time right and the darts you had a load one at a time wait it shot darts yeah it shot all three darts pellets and bibbs and bbis it's amazing you didn't kill anybody as a child you had one of the legs no but you have like the throwing stars that were actually sharpened we used to play bb tag we would do this thing where we'd have our daisy eight 80 rifle And we tie a cookie sheet to the front and back. But the holes in the cookie sheet, tie rope and just lay it over like shoulder pads.

You have a cookie sheet on the front and back. We'd all run around with goggles on. And the agreement was one pump. Because on one pump, you could see that, you could see it coming. You know what I mean? It wouldn't hit you that hard.

But then, you know, everybody would always come up right in the leg all the time. Get one of the leg. My buddy got one. He still got a scar from it being buried up under his leg. It's crazy. Bebe tag. Stupid shit.

Fucking BB tag. BB tag. I actually remember playing hot peas and butter. What's that? Go get your mother. So we would be in that yard outside. In front here, it's fenced.

And when you say yard, this is a concrete yard. It had to be 100 yards long on 88th Street. 205 right next to it. There was a parking garage that wasn't being used. So that whole space became our playground.

Hot peas and butter, go get your mother's Everybody turns around against the wall, and I get a belt, and I hide it. All right. And then we all have to go looking for the belt. Designated as a home base. You're not allowed to use the buckle. You can only whip with the belt.

So, at least you have rules. So I'm sitting there, and you guys are looking for it. And whoever's close to it, I got to go, you're hot, or Lee, you're cold, you're cold. Ryan, you're hot, Ryan's hot, Ryan's hot, and as soon as I say Ryan's hot, Lee and the other kid attack Ryan, because they know it's in that area. Right. But everybody's scared because somebody's going to get that belt

at any minute. But you've been whipped all day, so you're sick and tired of getting whipped. You're going to get it, Lee. And next thing you know, in a brick, you move the brick, there's the buckle. And you take it out, and those two guys are behind you, and the base is over there. You've got to run past them with the base.

So now they whip you with the belt. all the way to the base. That game would always end with somebody getting whipped to the head. Buckle to the head. Oh, my God. A buckled to the head. It's like a Passover when Jews finally Afi-common except we don't hit each other with a belt. We get a quarter after.

When are you talking to? Hot peas and butter. Go get your mother. Yeah, because your nose is broken. Get the belt. Then you whipped each other to death with the belt. Then we got into, if you look, not in today's modern chairs, but in the old chairs before the roller, it was a flat piece of metal.

that had a cork in it with a nail, a screw that went up, and that's how your chairs, your chairs, and you can move them back and forth. You couldn't wheel them. We would fucking take that, we'd take a chair, turn it over. This is the second grade. My grammar school, every chair was fucking bust. Oh, you're doing this in the school, not at people's houses.

No, no, no, second grade, while the teacher would give us an assignment, and we take a chair, unscrew the bottom piece of it, and then you'd take it to the hardware store, and he would click the screw out with the gut. Same guy doing the throwing store? Which would give you a flying saucer. Okay.

It would give you a flying saucer that was made of metal. And then you would take a crayon and melt the crayon into the saucer, so that was your piece of metal. So you were blue, you had a red one, you had a purple one. Second grade. Second grade. And then in the middle of the street, it would be like the man would be like shooting pool

number one number two then you gotta hit it over like botchie boy trying to hit him out of away and hit it with your thumb okay you gotta hit with your thumb okay you gotta hit with your thumb

and then you'll go to number four and then you have to get to number eight but we're playing this one cars are going by like a car would stop and we go fuck you hold on one second we were like fucking

the second grade dog in New York City those people hate us I wonder oh my God no wonder why sounds like like How you, like, in prison, we'll get it like a knife together. You were, how, how do you even think?

You know what, I bet we could take the bottom of this chair and Mr. whatever would melt it down and sell it. I'll never forget, in August of New York. Every August, they would shut the streets down and they would replant all the trees. It was called the street re-juination. And from 8 to 12, they would shut the street, and they would shut the street, and they would, would replant every tree but the top three inches was this generic dirt that all had all been bushed together and with rain the dirt would melt into each other and

it would cause a topsoil we caught that ship before it even started raining so as soon as those construction guys would leave four guys would go across the street we would go across the street we play bomb with those things and when you hit somebody with those it just blows up and smoke comes out and dust so you're dirty as fuck we would throw those at each other for fucking hours and then we would go to a street like if 87

didn't have kids on it let's go to 87 street there's no kids and their trees would have that shit we play for two hours there just bum and dirty one another I still remember being a kid on 88 street and one night me and like six little gorillas are hanging out like in the second grade and one kid goes is that a rat

and this rat had to be a foot long and we chased that motherfucker hit it with a stick we hit it with a stick so he was making noises we're hitting him with sticks then we threw rocks on him then we threw more

then we fucking hit him with a two by four he was dead we must have beat him when he was dead for an hour and then we got a we figured out of way how to drag him onto the middle of the street and light him on fire

his cars riding over I mean you know killing a rat When you're a rag, yeah. It's fucking, that's New York City shit. Like, that was how New York City, and that was on 88th Street.

That was the calm kids I hung out with. Once I got into Santa Ria, I started hanging on a hundred forty eight street. Right. And that's why I bought the knife. That's where I got the Marshall Repeated, delivered to my godmother's house because she wouldn't ask questions.

She just said, you got a package for you. What eight-year-old isn't getting packaged at that time? Yeah, right. At that time, I was hustling Columbia House. Yeah, I remember. It was a record company named Columbia House. So I was hustling them.

So I was like 20 cassettes for a penny or something like that. Eight cassettes for a bag. They had that road CDs when I was going on. And then the next three were at $21.99. And you had to buy four albums in a year to cancel your subscription. Fuck you. I would put that penny on a postcard because remember you had to put a penny. You had a fucking Scott's tape of Penny on a poster.

And your little stamps for the albums you wanted. Stamp for the albums. and send it, so I would keep sending it to the same address, only under different names. So my godmother wouldn't know what the fuck was going. Every time I go to my godmas, she kept, you keep getting these bills up here. Who's Carlos Torres?

Don't worry about it. And then I started doing it all. I started doing anybody's house I went. I would take their address down. And I would talk to my mother, my mother would go, you got a box over at Guillermo's house. And I go, really? And I go over to Guillermo's house for a year.

He got bills for me. And he would come to the bar. Why am I getting bills at my house from Columbia House? I scam for Columbia House like every album. They had Christmas albums, black albums, Spanish albums. We had a teacher that told us if you're, he told us in high school. We were, we were sophomores. He gained it straight up.

He's like, I'll be honest with you. If you're under 18, you don't have to pay for shit. And he told all of us, he encouraged us, go get all those CDs you want. And then when they send you a bill, he said, take out a crayon and write, I'm 16. and send that shit back, and you'll never hear from ever again. So we would do the same thing, but we wouldn't do it that much. We would send it to a buddy over here or down the street. Oh, I ordered everything on magazines.

I ordered the thing. I wanted a little trophy. When I first came from Cuba, I couldn't wait to get a trophy. Just a trophy? I just wanted a trophy. Sometimes you just want a trophy. Sometimes you want a kicket. I just wanted a trophy.

What kind of trophies do you want? So I just wanted a trophy. Anything. So Joe Weida had this thing. I remember Joe Weeder. There was a guy at the beach, a chick with a skinny guy at the beach, and the muscle guy comes over and kicks sand in his face. It was like a cartoon.

And then you sent $1.99 to Joe Weida, and he sent you back training tips and a trophy that you were a weightlifter. And you would have to do the push-ups. And then you came back a week later and beat the guy up and taking your chick when you had muscles. What a marketing scale. Oh, I see. All right. And I'm going, Jesus Christ. this is hilarious.

Like I had the little trophies from Joe Wheat that's when you had to order whoopee cushions, x-ray glasses. So they'd show you x-ray glasses that'd be a girl in the bikini and you with x-ray glasses on it like this with your mouth open.

Those x-ray glasses didn't fucking work. You got beat, Jack. Right, he did. Then they had Spanish fly. And I remember that the first time me and my buddies bought Spanish fly, who were going to give it to? And we gave it to one of my friend's grandmother.

We all went over there and watched it. fucking Donnie and Marie, and we just stared at the grandmother for like two hours to see if she would scratch her pussy. Anything. Give us a sign that you're only, grandma.

Grandma didn't do shit, so we never bought this. Because if she was, you were eyes were ready. Oh yeah, we were like in eighth grade. I'll never forget the kid giving up his mother. He's like, fuck her, let's use it on my mother.

I don't want to say his name because people hate him, but I still remember going to his house watching the Donnie and Marie family hour. He was his grandma. Like four of us just sitting there going. Is she scratching the pussy yet?

Like, is she fingering herself? Like, we're all way. Like, she's just going to do that in the living room. You're such a fucking idiot when you're a kid. Yeah, you are. Spanish flies and make a woman go crazy. And that was the ad. Like, the ad was a girl in a bar

and then a girl passed out like Cosby's. And you're fucking. That was the lead. That was the ad in the late 60s, 70s. You meeting a girl at a bar like with a martini glass. And the next minute, you're both in bed like giggling, like making love. That was the ad for Spanish fly.

So it guaranteed women will get loose. Yeah, but then you're not supposed to give it to the grandma. But that was our, we wanted. You're a kid. They didn't know. Before we gave it to girls in the seventh grade. She was a tester. Before we gave it to girls in the seventh grade.

Seventh grade. Like eighth grade, we wanted to test it. Like, we got in the mail on a Friday and we couldn't wait. We couldn't fucking wait to test on somebody. So this kid volunteered his grandma. Give it to Grandma. She's going to be over there. My mom's going to be out playing cards.

If she dies, who gives her fuck? And we gave, I never forget he gave Grandma like two capsules. Put him in like, what, her tea or something? Grandma, you want some warm milk? Bless your heart. We're sitting there all night, fucking howling, waiting for Grandma to start finger-banging herself.

That night, we left there depressed as fuck. Was Grandpa's that life? We lost our investment. We were a bunch of perverted kids. And there was a time he bought a pornoes. you can order pornos and it came with a fucking projector. It came with equipment?

Super 8 projector. So it was a super 8 projector and two homemade pornos. And you had to send a money order. So you had to walk up to the fucking Chinese store or the post office get a money order. You couldn't go to your mother and get a check. In those days it wasn't like now that they could deposit a check.

You had to wait 22 days for a check to clear in the fucking 60s and 70s. It was a nightmare. So we had to get a money order And I still remember waiting six weeks for the fucking camera to come And it came in a box and you plugged it in And it was very frail And it just had two things

And it was super eight So it had two reels And you connected this one to this one You best play And then we just go 10, 9, 8, 7 And it worked? Yeah, and it would go down to like And all of a sudden like a fucking chick that was beat up

would come up and she was sucking some guy's dick that was huge and they were disgusting pornography it wasn't nothing like what you see today the chick didn't know she was being taped you know most of the times there were rapes that were being filmed and these are being mailed the people there was no legislation nobody nobody nobody nobody did fuck was this like a porn magazine like they would be like a cheap porn magazine there was a porto-magin there was a portarican porn magazine called pica pica. It was naked women with their faces covered.

Why do I want to see that? Right. Like this guy was tricking chicks. Like he would take them home and take their pictures and put like black over their eyes. They would show you that pussy. Like they had that magazine. I forgot what magazine we got it from.

But I remember it was like five of us that chipped in. And we all went up to my attic and we fucking put curtains on the wall like a sheet. And we made something. Sandwiches. Sandwich.

We thought we were about to see like this fucking, you know, like fucking Farah Fawcett getting fucked. It was some chick with flat titties that had been shot. You know, some black guy with a big, big dick. The kid, I mean, one of the kids, you know, in the bit I said that one of the kids started crying. He was like 12. Like, we were like 14, 13, and we're watching this big black dick fucking a white chick. Like, we never saw that before.

Everybody went home. like when I turn it off turn it off it's all over like nobody wanted to have sex no more that's bad that's how bad one was yeah you could buy anything in the fucking mail anything right out of a fucking magazine the best was getting magazines and send them to people's houses you mean for like just like the CD or the cassette you orms I go to the dentist office you go to the magazine people magazine there'd be a thing yeah fill it out sending them we'll send you 10 copies. I'd fill out to Lisa that time.

For a year, any time I went to an office, never sent him to leave. And I'd wait for him to say one night. I don't know what's going on. I keep getting these magazines into my house, and I would die a laughter. I would do that to people confident. If I wanted to fuck with you, I'd send your cabs.

Like at two in the morning. Oh, that's how the cab driver to ring the doorbell. And then they're expecting the fair and everything. And my grandma's death, please ring the doorbell. And kids were coming to school next day. Somebody's on a cab to my house. Kids, he's supposed. And me and my friends would be howling because it was us.

Have you ever talked to, like, parents from your friends? Be like, what did you think of us as an eight-year-old? Like, what was it like having us as kids? Because they must have been, like, they can't have recovered yet. Like, this is crazy. Who? Were you the worst in your group? Or was there always one?

that would go an extra mile and your crew who was the guy that would just I feel like you're the guy but I also feel like you know a guy Let's be honest

Let's be honest This is what was going on Because I thought about it A lot I'm trying to write a book There was only three or four Spanish kids When I moved to North Bergen

in the neighborhood We weren't a popular breed We were the fucking Arab of today You know what I'm saying Like These people would them Me the Language And fucking

Tell them Mundo and you know they didn't really know the culture you know Maracas and shit like that So for me to get any attention as a kid I had to be above and beyond them Do you know what I'm saying? I do yeah, it's like when I tell people you want a good piece of pussy for fuck a white chick from Miami Because she's been competing with Spanish girls all that She's got to suck that dick better than that You know what I'm saying all the white kids are fucking the Spanish chick

because that pussy's good. You're a white chick in Miami. You're looking for a white chick from Miami, like Southwest. They will suck your dick to the pubicats fly out of your head because they've been trained. They have to.

They know they're competing against hot Spanish chicks with Brazilian chicks and Puerto Rican chicks. You got to suck a good pipe. It's the same fucking thing with when I was growing up. So, like,

it wasn't really an act. to me like I was fucking kind of out there as it was my dad had died you know I was little out there my mom would age three three but that fucked me up that my mom remarried he do you remember anything anything or do you more remember pictures that you've seen no no I remember there's a picture of my father in the living room my sister sent me from Cuba via my cousins it's my dad and my mom circa 1954 on the street corner in New York City with like three other couples

like way before the Cuban Revolution there were kids they were kids he was six or four I don't remember I remember being in a living in a kitchen in Union City

when we first had the bar I remember being a block of the way we lived a block and a half away from the bar and I remember that him and I would dip bread into olive oil. I love till today, every time I see olive oil, I dip bread in I think of my fault. Isn't it crazy that connection with food?

You have the smells. And I remember going through the Lincoln Tunnel with him sitting on his lap. At three, you remember this? That's three. Me driving his car. Like, I remember that. But I don't remember the tone of his voice or a conversation. I don't remember that like that. I recently, someone sent me a video on my grandmother

and, I mean, she was such a great woman, took care of it. She was a mom to us. And and I heard that video and in my head her voice was lower. It was weird. You know what I mean? Like the pitch was a little higher than I actually really remembered it. And I started realizing like, oh, you know, you start hearing that voice and your voice

almost. But that was interesting to me because I was like, yeah, if you would have played that for me, I'm like, I don't think I would have guessed that was my grandmother at first. And then when the camera's on her, she starts talking, I was like, wow, I don't remember it being sounding exactly. exactly like that, if that makes any sense. I have two connections left in my mother's world. My godmother's daughter in Miami

and my mother's brother in Lundell. And when I talk to my mother's brother, my uncle, and we've had a rocky 55-year relationship him and I, but I spoke to him over the weekend, and it's weird when I hang up with him, it's like talking to my mom only if she was a man. They have something in their voices that are very similar. You know, like, I could call my uncle on the way back from the comedy store.

I know he's awake. Midnight is when he comes to lifejack. He starts watching old baseball games. He puts on Spanish music. I play his answer machine. It's hilarious. How old is he? 80.

Is he really? He's 80. He walks five miles a day, Monday through Friday. He has had cancer for 10 years, and he switched his diet. He refuses to get cancer. chemo. So he has a no sugar diet. You got to see this guy's body.

At 80. It's good, huh? It's the bag, now we're a day. Wow. It's crazy. Yeah, it's crazy. And he runs a nightclub on Fridays and Saturdays. At 80?

Damn, he still got it. Listen, when you go to Cleveland, hilarities, take a look at Nick. Take a look at Nick Costas. At 75. You look at Nick Costas and you go. Wow. When I was growing up,

A 75-year-old man was frail and shunched over and a cane and a walker. Yeah, look at Nick at 75. You know why? Because he lifts weights five days a week in his basement. He does 35 minutes. He does calisthenics. He eats chicken. He stays away from red meat.

He drinks a little bit of rote wine. His wife is sick. You look at Nick and you go, go ahead, touch his shoulder. You know when you tap people on the shoulder? Solid. It's like hitting a fucking rock. It makes you think. It makes you really fucking think, you know.

We're going, how old are you now? 45. You're not a youngster. No, hell no. I tell Lee all the time, you know. I wish I knew now, then what I know now about going on the road and eating healthy. When you go on the road at first, you're broke. Oh, chicken fingers, fried, eat whatever they give you.

Whatever they give you. It's pizza. But you do have a choice. You do. You do have a choice to eat the vegetables and the salads and whatever, but you think of the mozzarella's of this bed, the salad's got to be brown. That's right. If I'll eat it if it's fried.

Yes. But I think of all the, I look at these guys now that are a little older. You'd have to take care of yourself to go out on the road. And, you know, you can't go on the road and drink fucking three nights in a row. No. No way. I'll die. You will die.

I'll die. I'll die. I don't drink much at all anymore. Really? No. I mean. My choice? Yeah, well, you know, a handful of years back, I started.

it was like a run with comedians where like five or six of my new guy, DUIs. And I just started looking at myself like, ah, shit, I sit here in the same. I have three, four beers. I have a tolerance. I get a buzz. But even if I'm not fucked up, I know that if I drive home and a dog runs out in the street or a kid or something, it doesn't matter. I've been drinking.

I'm getting a DUI. And I watched a girlfriend of mine at the time get a DUI. It cost her 10 or 12 grand. She didn't have a car for a year. year, AA classes, all this shit. Like the time, that's the other thing. It's not just the money. It's the time that you have to put into this DUI.

And yeah, I smoke. I smoke weed, but I mean, I'll go two, two, three months without having a drink. But it's, I'll have the same six pack in my fridge for eight or nine months and not even have one. It's, it doesn't be a less than. I like a good cold one every now and then. I have a store.

Yeah. I love the taste of beer. Alcohol I have a problem with more than one. beer I have a problem with. But can you have one? Yeah, I do it all the time. Because I've had a lot of people come on the podcast and say... An hour before I go on stage.

So by the time I get off stage, I have no misunderstandings. Right. There's no misunderstandings. I will never have a beer and get in my car. I could handle it. I can't handle it. I can't. If a cop gets behind me, I lose my mind.

I can have a body in the trunk and 20 kilos of Coke in the trunk and drive perfectly. It's amazing. I have nerves of steel. Give me a cocktail and a cop gets behind me, I completely fucking lose it. That's the thing about weed, like adrenaline override a high, a marijuana high immediately.

When I go to the comedy store at night, I'm not high. I get high when I'm down there, and by the time I go off stage, it's gone. Right. I never have weed. Listen, they gave me a privilege in the state. They've given me a privilege

that I could even drive a weed in my car. I don't drive a weed in my car. I don't like smoking in my car unless it's me and leave. We get to the ice house. Yeah. We pull over, we open the windows and we smoke, and then we had a car out. We have a privilege.

I don't ever want to abuse that privilege. I don't want to be the one to abuse that privilege. So they let us smoke. You can smoke all the weed you want in your backyard. You could smoke all the weed you want in your fucking house. Just open the goddamn windows and put an incense stick out. But there's no reason to be driving on the 4 or 5. I see people do it all day long.

You get caught and you get in trouble and you feel fucking. And assholes like that ruin it for the rest of us. It is a DUI. So that's the problem. See, in Maryland we have DWI, which is driving while intoxicated. And then also DUI, which is on anything, pills, anything. But here it's all DUI. Like there's a specific breakdown in Maryland for alcohol and then everything else.

But here, I mean, I had a buddy of mine, right? this dude so he had this old pickup truck for short bed and the gas gauge was always wrong on it it always read a half tank wrong and i believe me i've taken the fucking thing out for a push up and down lebraa before hopping in pushing it to the next light hopping in pushing it down past melrose hopping it sweating my balls off and one night he's helping his buddy out at the equestrian center in burbank he was in the horses he's got a cowboy hat on he's got spurs on and he's down he's headed to the beach for a party and he runs out of gas

and he grabs a gas can out of the back of the truck and he starts walking on the 10 and the police see him so originally they stopped to pull over a pedestrian on the highway that's the initial pullover he's probably

I don't know 50 yards 60 yards from the truck at this point he's got a gas can in his hand they're like where are you going there's a car ran out of gas I'm going down the hill here to get gas and they smell alcohol so they arrest them

they give him a DUI and he calls me. He's like, guess where I'm at? I'm like, jail. He's like, yep, and he's making friends with all the cops. He's going to poker night the next fucking week. And I told him, I go, why didn't you just say we had an argument and I fucking bailed? And you were stuck walking with that.

I would have gone to court and done that for you. I'd have been like, yeah, we got an argument. He's a fucking dick. And I got out of there. But they got him on it. And then he had to move to New York because he was an actor. And he couldn't drive out here. He could not get to audition.

So he goes in New York and he has to do his AA classes in New York. And he's in there with lawyers and everyone. They're all telling everyone. They're telling you make sure you're prescript. If you have any kind of painkillers, you better have that prescription in the car with you. Not just get a copy of it

because they're going to pick you up, they're going to take you. So this one dude, this fucking idiot drinks. I think it's like a case of beer he has. And he needs more. So he lives above a liquor store. He goes down, liquor store is closed.

He goes up a block or two. walks, drives, right? Gets beer, pulls back in, the cops pull right behind him, and arrest them, okay? Liquor store was open the whole time. The motherfucker pulled on the wrong door. The other one was unlocked.

This motherfucker would have never got a DUI or anything. I've heard DUI. It's so fucking stupid. This is why. Stupid. I act the way I do. Because you're going to get a DUI when you leased.

That's right. expected. When you least fucking A thousand dollar cab ride Is worth it It's worth it I love when the Lancasham

They have cops You pull up to the cop And then ten feet from you There's a tent And there's two Indian nurses Taking blood out And there's ten cars lined over I love pulling up to him

Looking at his eye And go what's happening And he's like License registration Have you been drinking Do I'm looking at I've been drinking off. I just left the comedy store

and they'll go, oh my God, we know it. I love it. I love it being able to pull up to them and laughing in their face. Like, you got nothing on me. There's nothing in here.

Not even a fucking gum wrapper. There's no alcohol. There's nothing. This was right at the end, that girl I was seeing literally the day she was relieved of her DUI, the year end of all of it and everything. I go to a fight party.

It was Packyow, Ricky Hatton. Remember he knocked him out. He knocked him out like I want to say the first 30 seconds. Right. It was quick. Well, I'm drinking thinking this is going to be a long fight. So I'm drinking. I'm drinking.

I drink up till the fight before the main event. And I'm done. Now I'm going to watch this main event that's going to go all 12. And then I'll be good to go, stay another hour and I'm out of there. And Pac Yow knocks this motherfucker out quick. And the dude lost money. So he kicks everybody out. All right.

I get in my car. I drift, drift down the hill. I make a right on Wilshire Boulevard into a DUI checkpoint. I'm like, here it fucking is. She just got off hers and I'm going to get it. And I've definitely been drinking. I shouldn't be behind the wheel and I pull up and I see the math. You know, you start doing that because one go, one over.

And I'm doing the math. I'm like, oh, I'm not getting pulled over. I see the math, you know. And they pull me over and he just stares hard in my eyes. And I'm nervous, man. I go give my license. I drop the fucking thing. And I'm like, oh, God.

And he looks at it. He gives me, he gives me about three of them. And he goes, all right. And I fucking pulled over around the corner and almost shit myself. Like, I was terrified. Terrified. But the thing about alcohol is adrenaline on, if you're fucked up and they open that corridor, you'll fall out.

If you smoke a little weed and you're scared, you can cartwheel down in that middle of the fucking line. Like that adrenaline over at weeds like, see you later, man. Smoke me later. Cops are behind us right now. I'll see y'all. jumps right out of it. I got reweed that you jump.

I'll see it back at the crib, man. You ever go to your door and there's a cop and you're smoking? The high jumps right out of your body. You can even see it standing next to you going. Just slowly slink it back. Yeah. No, no, no. I don't get.

The only time I get sizzled is early in the morning. I watch. Before I work out or late when I get back from the comedy store. So when you like it when you work out? No jiu-jitsu, but kickboxing and lifting, yes. See, I don't like the, so when I, I like to smoke and go hike or something like that, where I'm not, it's the, it's the counting repetitions when I'm high that makes me, like when I get the five, I feel like it should be 50.

I'm like, that's all I'm at, you know what I mean? It's some, it really makes me focus. And when I'm outside without, I'm listening to music, I'm just hiking these canyons and stuff, that's when I really enjoy it. I've never been, uh, I've never enjoyed smoking weed and lifting weights because of the counting involved. I was growing up. I was really skinny, bony shoulders.

And my mom wouldn't let me lift weights. I was 15. So I would take the sliding door off the hinges and put it on two chairs. And I would get those sand weights. And I would lift them and hide the weights under the fucking two by fours and shit. You were something else, dude. And then when I realized what real lifting was, that's when I didn't really, I didn't take. to it too much.

Yeah. That sushi right there. I didn't taste that out. I didn't really like it. And a friend of mine one day, you know, when I realized it was bench press and incline and

bent over rows and T-bar rows and a push-and-pull technique and you got to do this four times a week. I was like, this blows. But then it became what basketball was.

Like I respected basketball. Then one day somebody told me, you don't smoke before you're playing. I'm like, no. Why would I? And you're like, oh my God, it feels like you're flying through the air. That's all I needed to hear. Yeah, right.

I started smoking and I started hooping. I could hoop a little bit. And with working out, like, if you definitely hate working out, you do hits off a pipe before you work out. Get good music on your little fucking. Yeah, I love getting outside. I would like that. That's what you do.

Yeah. You know, it's a shame that I kickbox inside and I go to Jitzu inside. But there's days I'm like, I'm not going to one of those places today. I got a punching bag in my backyard. I got three or four kettlebells. I got club sticks. I got a ball. I got a jump row.

And I inhale that fucking vitamin D. There's nothing like a little bit of vitamin D when you're working out. Eat that natural sun tan from the sweat because your sweat works as a sun tanning fucking thing. I love all that aspect of it. But the bottom line is it's induced by the smoking weed. I don't think I'd enjoy working out as much if I didn't get high. Jiu-jitsu, you got to think too much, and I'm on my back.

I got to go in there soap. Yeah. There's a guy at Muay Thai that when I pull up in the mornings, he's smoking in his car. Really? Before he wraps his hands, he smokes a blunt. And he's 50-something, 40-something. He goes, this is the only way I can do it is if I don't think about what I'm doing. And you don't think about it.

You don't think about you focus on breathing. Yes, you focus on your day. That's the way it is. You focus on breathing and you focus on your day. What am I doing after this? And how much better am I going to be that I did this today? Also take time like during those moments to appreciate like, all right, let's focus on. What's, fuck yesterday, fuck tomorrow.

Tomorrow we already know it's going to be a shit storm. Let's think about all the positive shit today that we've got going on and what we've done and focus on that. Because you can get bit by a rattlesnake right now on this fucking canyon and you're dead, you know? Yeah, that's why I don't like hiking. I've seen a bunch of them up at Fryman but I go to Temesco I probably can't now with those fires but I like that's a real fucking hike down there man

You know when I was like a junior in high school We would jump the fence to a cemetery Knock over the gravestones And there'd always be a little Snake in there And then we'd put them in a jar And take them to school next day And chase girls and shit

I remember one day I was chasing a girl with a snake And the snake shit Like a little bit of shit And wet my arm It was just a little snake shit So last week I got to go to my mother's grave and when i went i always go visit it but i went in march this year this year i'm on march 20th to do niac and for the release of uh what's his name's book

and i didn't go because it's snowed the foot of snow so when i went this time on friday it was fucking just it was like a pussy in the 70s hairy as shit with grass and weeds so i had jeans the sneakers on and I got on my hands and knees and just started ripping weeds out you know I don't even know what the point of the fucking story snake on a tombstone and while I was ripping the things out I'm like whoa whoa whoa whoa yeah right whoa wait a second let me watch my so I kicked it in there a little bit and I started ripping it and I looked and then I cleaned it out and I was tempted to push the tombstone to see if there was a snake under that because that means your mother's in hell like if there's a snake under that That means your mother's in hell would say,

light and cigarettes and shit, but I don't want to know if she's in hell, so I just let the tombstone alone. I wiped it down my sweater, but it was so funny because I was smoking a joint. For years, I would go to my mother's grave and just smoke a joint and talk to her. When she first died, I was there four times a week,

and there was no gravestone. It was still muddy, you know, you have to wait for the grave to sell a year before you put a thing on it. And then after a year, they put the gravestone. So when I pull up, I see a high-low work. like a guy that digs trenches out. I see him when he's on the phone, a black dude.

I don't say nothing. When I sparked that reef, it must have smelled good. I'll call you back. Yeah, his ears perched up. And he saw me on the floor ripping the grass. He's like, can I help you, brother? I said, man, you work here? He goes, yeah.

And he goes, man, you look familiar. I said, yeah, whatever. What's your name? He told me whatever's name was. I shook his hand. I go, you work? He goes, who is this? I was my mother.

I grew up around the corner. He was, yeah. He goes, God damn it. A motherfucking TV star right here. You know, we started talking. And then I said, listen, do me a favor from now on. Can you mow this for me?

And he looked at me and I went in my pocket and I gave him 3.20s. I said, take care of this fucking grave. And he went over, he wrote the plot. He just trimming a little from time to time. Because I even took the bricks out. I had like bricks around it. So I grasped.

He goes, leave the bricks. I'll fucking put the, the zip-zip-wacker in there. So it was kind of weird that while I was ripping all that up, I thought about all the times I would go to the cemetery and kick over the fucking tombstone

and there'd be a snake under that. I don't know why I thought of that. My brother was big in the snakes, man. Like he would catch him in the yard, bring him in the fucking house. There was one time we went to the doctor with my younger brother. We're probably elementary school,

middle school, maybe sixth grade, seventh grade. And my brother's inside. We said, we're going to wait in the car. And my other brother reaches in his fucking pocket. And he pulls out a fucking snake. And I'm like, what the fuck?

Where did you get there? He's like, he was in a bush outside when we were coming. I'm like, how long has it been in there? He's like the whole ride. So one day, it's my turn to cut the grass. And we had the same ride mower in Can't Buy Me Love, the snapper, ride mower with a bag catcher on the back, okay? And it's summer.

It's hot as fuck. It's humid in Maryland. It's my turn to cut. And back then, you know, it was before. driving. So that was driving. You know what I mean? You got to cut, you like to cut the grass. And about four yards, four backyards up, our buddy Jeff lives there. And I see my brother and him with a big trash can and they're standing back from this pine tree with a broom and they're hitting the fucking pine tree like this. And I know I got my headphones on with the cassette. I know

they're getting a snake out of this tree. And I'm our backyard square. I'm going around and cutting it. And as I come up under our deck right here, my brother's standing there with a about a six-foot black snake doing it like this. He's acting like he's going to throw it on me. I'm like, don't fucking do it, dude. And I go back forgetting about it or whatever. The next time I come around, I feel something slap across the back of my motherfucking neck.

And I look over here and there's a black snake looking at me like this. I said, ah! I mean, high pitch! I grabbed it by the neck. I threw it on the fucking ground. I put that blade down. My brother said, don't do it. I rode over that motherfucker,

chop that thing up in 100 pieces, dumped that motherfucking bag thing out. So there's your motherfucking snake, you dick. My brother, Ruth was like that shit, dude. Listen, I could deal with snakes to a certain size. Like, what's, what's too big? That Boas and the Anaconda is just the kind of can pick you up. Some fucking guy in the yard fucking around, I leave a loan.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I had a friend that played for, who the fuck did he play for the NFL? His name was Chad Brown. And he hung out with a guy. It's funny because Chad Brown, also was very good friends with that receiver from New England I told you about.

They used to hang out at Swanies and used to go, you know him. And Chad Brown was... I mean, linebacker? Tip it? No, no, he was a wide receiver from New England, a tight end. And he won a few Super Bowls. Ben Coates? In the beginning, Christian Floreer.

Christian Floreer and that guy were best friends. But he took his girlfriend. And they became enemies. So when I lived in Boulder, towards when they were in college, he sold weed for a living, Chad Brown. At first, I had an intermediary guy, and then one day he goes, listen, just go over there. Chad knows you were a comedian. And I was just starting out. I was no comedian.

But I remember going over there, and he'd have 20 snakes, three of them rolling around the floor. Al? Yeah, no, 20 in cages, like, you know. But a couple of them. out on the floor. Two or three of them. Like what? Pythons and Bowels?

All that shit. And he'd tell you, be careful because one of them got away. Don't stand next to that chair because there's one that's loose. I don't know if he's under there. I don't want to bite you. Oh my God. Every time I went to buy weed over there, it was like going to fucking snake junk. You're out of your fucking mind.

Yeah, fuck that. Snake junk. You went to Baltimore a couple weeks ago? I'm going this weekend. This goes up tomorrow, right? I'm there on 17th and 18th. I got shows that Jimmy's the famous. sold out Saturday, Sunday night, 730,

there's still some tickets left. And you're taking the whole family home? No, I did that in the summer. I know. I remember I talked to you and you said you were taking your son somewhere. Well, my daughter I took back in the summer. My stepson I'm going to take to see the Chargers Ravens out here this year. But this time, just because it's so much going on,

it's just me going back for the shows. And you have a new special coming out? Yeah, I got a new album coming out. It's available for pre-order right now on iTunes, Amazon, Google Play. it drops November 20th. It's called Get a Hold of Yourself. Did it with a great label, Blonde Medicine. It'll be available on Spotify, Pandor, and everywhere, November 20th,

wherever you get good comedy. You have a new podcast start. Yeah, that's going to come up too. I can't really say much about that yet, but definitely have a new podcast start. And if you're already subscribed to the Crafugee, you can stay right on that feed because the new show is going to pop up right there. But yeah, go get that album.

I'm actually making the shows in Baltimore an album release party. It doesn't drop till Tuesday, November 20th, but the people in Baltimore are going to be the first people in the world to be able to get it. And I'm really excited to be able to do that. I think that's really cool. And everything else is going well in your life. Everything else is great.

You're my friend. You call me. You check on me. I love you. Thank you for having me on to do this. Amen. We're brothers. You fucking kill me.

This is what we do. You know, when I see you at the store, you make me really happy. Same. I get to see you out. You know, it's so weird. how your priorities change over the years like i'm getting so old 20 years ago i went out to become a better comic now i forced myself to go out so i have human contact you know yeah about it we're brodie the other day and every time i go down there as hard and difficult as it is like in my

head once i hit laurel canyon i'm ready and i'm ready to see somebody sebastian or last night i watched christalea i watched bert go up in front of me and then uh he brought me up and i had to bring up Theo. So it's all of us. It's, you know, the circle of us that you go down there and you had to follow. I had to follow you the last time I went up the store. Just a couple weeks ago, I followed you. But I didn't know why because I was there all night. Yeah, they were looking for you or something. I was there all night. I would have closed out. I would have followed you. You know what, dude? When I heard it, I was like, nobody's got stories like that motherfucker. But it made me work harder. I did really well. And it made me dig in deeper. And I appreciate, I don't mind working

hard, man. I grew up working hard. I'm a hustler too. All it does is make me better. That's all it done. I mean, dude, your joke about you don't get sick because you eat ass and swam into... I was just talking about it today. In the Hudson River, dude, there's probably some fucking truth to the immune system, brother.

This dude, Johnny Lopez and Mike Ascle is one fishing, one hot, Hudson River. And we ended up catching an eel. An eel. Stop farting on me. We end up catching an eel. It bounces. And I ricochet it right off the chair. So it goes to the 45 degree angle.

Why are you? Right through his nose, right? So we caught an eel, and there's a grill. That little park down by the Hudson River has little grills. Yeah, there's little rusty, fucking, you got to be crazy. You got to be crazy to eat on those. You're going to get fucking something right off the bat. We cooked the fucking eel on there.

We didn't know, we chopped it up, and we ate like it's hard and shit. And after that, my change my life changed forever. Like, I wasn't getting sick like the rest of the kids. I didn't have bags under my eyes no more. I recovered quicker from doing cocaine. I can do cocaine for 48 hours to take you for two days to recover. It would make me one day to recover. An eel from the Hudson did it.

I believe that. And they're electric eels. They're the ones that electrify you in the middle of the fucking night. You get a twitching your fucking neck for the first month after you're doing. It's funny the other day I took my daughter to the park. And she's all about the fucking monkey bars. you know she's getting strong hanging upside down and she's

starting to hang upside down but to hang upside down you have to do it over the concrete so I went up to like a man and I go can I talk to you for a second look I admire your fucking admiration but do it over the fucking dirt and she goes why daddy go that's concrete that's dirt if you land in the dirt you'll be okay I landed on the concrete

I had a twitch for a month she's like what's a twitch I kept going like this she's like what do you mean it for a day she's got to I'm going, Daddy found the concrete. And he had a twitch. I swear to God, though. I landed neck first on the concrete.

He just twitched. At the playground at 205 West 88. I was knocked out for like a second. That was the first that started. That explains a line. My dad, my dad died with the first sign of PTSD at three. This fucking knockout. How old?

I had to be five or six. That might have been the Genesis right here. Five or six when I landed on the base of my spine and the back of my head. I saw a couple stars. I heard some voices. Voices? I heard a bunch of electricity going through my body. Like I had fucking gotten caught on electric fence and sing-sing or something like that.

And the next thing, you know, I woke up, Doug, and everything was moving real fast. I didn't tell my mother. But for a couple days after that, I had, like, a little fucking... You just twitch. I had, like, a little twitch reaction. So I went to, like, fucking, like, a carnival. I went to a carnival and got on, like, a seesaw or something. And it was a straight dress.

I told it you'll be twitching or you'll be holding the ball squeezing with your mouth open You know Don't fucking come crying to me Do it over the fucking sand So if you fall it's a lot light Hell yeah You look at your kids and you're like

You already know when they're going to fall Like I was telling lady I'd there listen These are controlled things I enjoy controlled falls Like my daughter likes to run back and forth In the living room She's gonna crack a head I see it already doesn't take a dummy

But at least it's a controlled fall It's different than falling off a building Four stories You get six stitches in the living room, but ain't no big deal. You're in the living room. We'll put some mice on your head. We could take our time. We've got to run red lights.

You know what I'm saying? Run red lights. Yeah, next thing you know, you're running red lights. She's going to die. Anyway, I want to thank you, Ryan, for coming on the fucking show. Thank you. It's been a long time. I know that a lot of people, the stigma was don't come on Joey's show because you'll test positive for heroin.

Is that the stigma? Oh, for a while. What do you mean? I'm there for get Chris DeLeah calling me one day like really serious like listen you know I don't mess with that stuff I hear that you can't even touch the microphones that everything is bugged up to come on dude bro people were petrify listen back in the day I tell everybody because when you when your first introduction into the studio you were like I got LSD up over top of the door jam you had all the old school shit there but see there's legends of like Segorah having to take a car

service home like people get scared to come here you remember when I had to the LSD over the fucking wall. That's old school. I had a grandma blow behind him. Look at that picture right there. Somebody came here to give me fucking something. They gave me a grandma blow. I hit it behind Lee's picture.

I left it behind there. The cops came. It was Lee's. And one day somebody came into the others and I can go for a bump. I got you. And I hit Lee's picture and her Coke Rock fell out. A friend of Fred Samver, tap it twice. And Lee's like, how come it's got to be behind my picture?

Yeah. Because you got a clean record. So really that was a rumor if you even leaned up and touched the mic, you can test on my God. Oh, my God. I remember people not calling me back. Who the fuck's getting tested for heroin anyway, by the way? At that time, fucking Sarah Tiana went down.

The one chick ended up at the hospital. Sarah, what's his name? Oh, she had an edible. Yeah, and then once his name, oh, and Benjamin. Didn't Paulie freak out too? Paulie freaked out. Paulie see the devil. Now he wants to come back.

I can't let him back. Once you leave that, we're like the haunted can. once you leave, you can't come back. That's great. I love it that people were scary. People actually, like that was a rumor. That would tell me to my face. Like, you know, we just can't get on the podcast.

I can't be on all those drugs. My wife is pregnant. You know, shit like that. They were petrified. But now, you know what? We don't need that almost no more. We haven't been the other day. But it was guess I say, 60 milligrams.

Don't do nothing to the meal. You got to show up with a heavy artillery to kill us. Oh, shit. But anyway, you guys are great. Thank you so much. You're great seeing your man. You too.

You're always family. You're always welcome to come on the show. And once you got your podcast going, let me know. And I'd love to come on. You're coming. Some nasty stories of this fucking cop. I can't wait. I love you.

Thank you very much. I love you, brother. Thank you. And don't forget, I want to thank Ryan Sickler again. Great fucking guy. I want to thank the Christ killer. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys. Listen, my church, my show, the night before Thanksgiving is sold

out. But I'm back at the Irvine Improv. Friday night, 945, fucking tremendous. The church all-stars will be with me. No names, no names, but we're going to have a good time. 945, Irvine, you're going to be bored to death. You're going to be sitting there all day, Thursday with hemorrhoids, eating fucking turkey. But listen, no traffic, no nothing. 945, you're in Irvine. So if in the area, next Friday night, 945, Joey Dea's, and a fucking bunch of savages at the Irvine Improv. But before I want to get off, I want to give a shout out to my beautiful sponsors. Looker, you're losing your hair.

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I'll see you, motherfuckers. Bright and early, Monday morning, tip-top, Magoo, ready to go. Have a great weekend. Stay black and stay out of harm's way, motherfuckers. I love you, and I need you. Without you, I got who gots. Have a great weekend.

Thank you.