The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #637 - Mikki Agarwal

Episode Date: November 21, 2018

Mikki Agarwal, entrepreneur, restauranteur, and author, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/muffler for 15% off of your portable bidet order.   Ridge Wallet - Use code "church" for 10% off your order at ridgewallet.com/church   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 11/20/2018.


Greetings from Podcastville. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by Oh, hellotushy.com. Why have a dirty ass when you could fucking have a portable bidet? Number two, this podcast is also brought to you by the Ridge. Let me tell you something. Ridge wallet, I have fallen in love with this thing. All right.

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Bokey wallet. What we're going to do here at the church is this. I'm going to give you 10% off today with free worldwide shipping by going to ridgewallet.com slash church again. That's ridgewallet.com slash church again. That's use code church when going to ridgewallet.com slash church. This podcast is also brought to you by On It with a tremendous Black Friday deal. But who gives the fuck about Friday? It's motherfucking Wednesday. You didn't know that? No. Years ago in Hollywood.

I guess an enema. Years ago in Hollywood, there were guys in the gay community who mixed ecstasy with Viagra or something crazy and put it in their asshole with a turkey roaster. The turkey basin. You mixed Viagra with whatever the fuck. And what happened? Do you see me fucking jumping up and down with a feathered suit? don't have no idea. I don't know.

The guy never fucking told me, but just the thought of putting drugs in your asshole. That's crazy. And they're saying now. That's actually way more intense. It's more intense to put marijuana in your asshole. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.

I'm not doing it. I'm too old to put marijuana in my asshole right now. Those days are done. I'm shocked to hear you say that, at 17, at 17, you're going to solve me on that shit. It's a cult up in Connecticut. They put marijuana in your asshole and you pray. I'm all in.

I'm all. fucking in, you know what I'm saying? Kick this motherfucking meal league. It's the church, November 21st. Thanksgiving weekend, you motherfucking pilgrims. Eagles for you, right on the top. One of these motherfucking nights. We got Miki Agrawal on the fucking show.

I don't know how you're saying. I don't give a fuck. We'll just keep it to Mickey. We got the Christ Killer, Lisa Ayat on Mushless. And Uncle Joey's in the house, bitches. Happy Thanksgiving to you, motherfucker, is you're on a plane right now, sitting in the car,

thinking about your hemorrhoid, thinking about how much longer am I going to fucking sit in this car with this fucking kid next to me, stinking and yelling and screaming. That's the holiday season. That's what it is. If you fly now, you've got to be fucking crazy.

Like, if you fly now if you sit in the back in the dungeon next to fucking people with masks on and shit, you ever sitting on one of those playing, like if they got a mask on next to you, I'm fucking comfortable. Paying like triple what it normally costs. Yeah.

That was me today. And then there's a motherfucker that takes his shoes off in the back. But some guy, you see Southwest, they finally lost the case. The lady got sucked out of the fucking window.

Plane tickets are going to go down again. Wait, no, no. Did you see what happened? About six months ago, a lady flew out of Southwest window. Next day, they didn't make no announcement. They just put everything on sale

for $69. It was like nobody gave a fuck about the lady. You're going to Tucson for $69. You know what I'm saying? And your luggage is free. You got every Puerto Rican in the world going on that fucking plane. Luggage is free. You ever see those people?

They bring their own water. They bring everything. They don't want to lift the fucking dime these people. Wait, I don't understand. So what happened to this woman who was sucked out of a window? Some woman on Southwest, there was a defective plane. There was a woman pilot flying it, which saved the flight. They just released a recording of her saying, Lord, help me.

And then she landed the flight. but before that something happened the engine busted and it caused some type of something on the plane the engine part that blew up hit the window and she got sucked out of the window the actual

a woman they tried to hold her through from her legs and shit it was really scary and they landed the flight and then two days later Southwest out of fucking summer sale no announcement no we're sorry about the loss on Twitter just hey they're probably trying to just like

push it under the rug. Come to Buffalo for 3950. Who the fuck wants to go to Buffalo? You ever call the airlines and tell them you want to go to Buffalo? They even ask you why. You ever call the airline? And I love Buffalo.

I'm not putting you down. But I'm just letting you know, when you call American Airlines and you go, I want to go to Buffalo? They're like, listen. If you try Disneyland, why do you want to go to Buffalo for? Why do you want to do that?

Grandma's there. I love Buffalo. I love Buffalo. I fucking love Buffalo. I fucking love Buffalo. There's savages up there. Savages. So what's going on with you?

Talk to you. Tell us, tell the world who the fuck Mickey Agrawalas. You know what I'm saying? Okay, great. Let's start from the beginning. Where were you born? Okay, born and raised Montreal, Canada. Okay, how'd you end up in the States? I went to college in upstate New York.

Okay. When did you graduate? 2001. What kind of? Bachelor science, which is basically means like bullshit. You're going to be a fucking hostess and jobs in the back that were raised on Christmas. that's what that means.

Can you imagine going to college you're going to have to suck dick the rest of your life? Four years. And pay like $100,000. I'm still going to suck dick. I'm still going to bump into Harvey along the way. I don't tell you that at college. For real.

I'm going to learn about social studies or women studies. Yeah, okay. You better get those jaws ready. He better get Benaka and Listerine like a motherfucker. Women studies. What are you fucking crazy is America? You got to come out with. two guns if you're a woman nowadays.

It's true. It really is. It really is. I mean, you never want guns anywhere. No, but it's really weird how I have a five-year-old daughter. And I have to decide now after what I'm learning in society, how to raise that daughter, how to prep her for the fucking savages that are out there. Because if not, you're both sitting there going, how did this happen? And that's the worst feeling in the fucking world. Yeah.

No, for sure. So you have to look at your children, look at the times. You know, when I came from Cuba, they raised me to be an animal. You know, I was raised on 88th Street in New York City. You're being raised to be an animal. Your mom tells you not to cross Broadway. What do you think they had those hands in those days and told you nine, eight, seven? Really?

They told you dick. It was just a yellow light. You took your chances. It was like, bingo. There was no hands. If you were death, fuck you, you're dying. You didn't know dick. There was no count off.

There was now you can cross the street now. There was nothing. 88 Street, 205, West 88. Broadway to Broadway, there was no fucking. How many times did you get a hit? Who, me? Yeah. About three or four.

That's why I got a little limp. But you don't stop. I didn't know about the Jewish attorney then. If I knew about the Jewish attorney, anything I'd be doing a podcast of a year now. I'd be living on Amsterdam, getting my cigarette slit. I know all those advertisements about, like, if you get, you know, injured, then, it's just like, call this bold, They're trying to pick a fucking scab. I know.

You know, you're dying from asbestos. But you know what, man? If you grew up in New York, if you went to New York between the last 10 years, you breathe asbestos. That's a city built on fucking asbestos, New York. Everything. The water. I drank the water when I was back there.

And I'm going to tell you something. Your digestive system is a lot better down there. When you live in New York, like I went to New York, I was shitting like a mule. Every three hours, two footers. I wish I had tissue. portable with me like a portable tushy just to wash my ass right there on a fucking spot i went to this chinese plane i got a poo-poo platter it took me 20 minutes before i went home and blew up the fucking bathroom i blew it up and then went and got coffee and blew it up again like a savage

because usually i don't shit on the road my asshole is very you know it knows savvy he's very jinnasekwa i'm saying like he'll dump four inches here eight inches here do you use tushie but then sunday Not on the road because you got to carry it and declare it. Because you imagine telling the people a doubt to listen, this is my portable asshole washer. And they're like, okay. Get TSA here right now. We got a real.

Can you imagine breaking this down to TSA? Okay, so listen, here's how it works. Listen, I like my asshole really clean. They just be looking at you. Is this an act of terrorism? No. You're shiny and not to smell. You wash your ass and then you're tall.

dry it and you smell the towel still smells like ass even if you wash your ass with Irish Spring I don't really go I don't really travel that much and I have the bidet I use it all the time every time I'm at a hotel I'm like this doesn't

it's gross this is terrible it is easy enough to do that you could travel if it could travel if you want it if you really wanted to but then you got to explain to people it's that lady no but that's the thing I mean like people know what a bit people not

A lot of people don't know what a bidet is, but if you've traveled to anywhere outside the United States in Europe or Asia, bidets are everywhere. Everywhere. Every single, like there are two floors like dedicated to bidets in like many malls in Asia.

I think in Japan, a hand comes out and washes your ass and dries your pussy free. You don't have to say nothing. Right. Like cousin it, just a hand comes out, wipes your ass.

Like in Japan, they got everything like the water, the sprinkler. Exactly. They have hot. thing, they have the moit, everything. Exactly. And then in China, you got a shit in a hole. On all fours, like you're fucking all of the money for a way. India too. India too?

Yeah. You got to get on your hands and knees like that. You just crouch. I remember one time when I was a kid, I went to Puerto Rico. And my mother had a partner, a Puerto Rican partner. You like him? In a book, I'm making an operation. Yeah, I loved him and his wife, Delilah. And I loved their daughter, Evie.

And every year, we'd go to Puerto Rico. But they were originally from a town called Mokito, where there was no, bathrooms in the homes they just had outhouses and I remember staying there for two nights and like not shit like I went to look at the outhouse and I saw a crab climbing on the side and then I was like I'm not shit so my mother had to get a hotel in Ponce and we had to drive like an hour for me just this is shit and they had no hot water this is 1969 you want to hear something you want to hear a unfortunate fun fact about that How you have to wait for how long an hour before you have to go wash your or clean your butt or go to the bathroom?

How long to take you, you said? You had to travel like an hour. An hour. A regular hotel with a bathroom indoor. Well, so did you know that hundreds of millions of women are having to hold in their pee and their poop all day and basically wait to late at night when it becomes dark and then travel in groups, sometimes up to five miles just to relieve themselves? Where is this? India, Africa all over the world in the developing world

where there's no access to clean toilets It's a real thing So people have to actually Not drink enough fluids Or eat enough food Especially women specifically Because there's nowhere for them To go and defecate

And they just get raped How did you come up with this whole Tushy thing What made you get involved with it? Oh yeah Well Tell me from scratch Great Because you are the CEO

I'm the founder Founder Yes Yes I have a great CEO So tell me the whole fucking story So the story of Tushis that I'm half Japanese, half Indian, and both cultures grew up with bidets. In Japan, they have those super fancy toilets that have the hand that comes out and wipes your ass for you and washes it for you and then dries it. It's a whole thing.

It's a very expensive, but, you know, Japanese high-end toilet. And in India, they have these things called the bum guns, the Lottas, which looks like literally like a hose that you just kind of like move your hand and spray your backside and kind of sprays it really hard. in India, they towel dry. So both cultures grew up with bidetes and growing up in Canada and now living in the United States for a really long time, both, like the fact that there doesn't exist an option to wash yourself and only use dry paper. And so I basically did a lot of digging into this and realized that, and I don't know if you know this, but toilet paper was brought to America in 1890s.

And it was popularized by these, the brothers, Scott's brothers, like Scott's paper. and Charmin, and these are the families that had lots of money to spend on creating this new product that can wipe your butt. But if you think about it, like, would you go to your shower, go to your bathroom, jump in the shower, not turn the water on, and use dry paper to wash your body? Does it make sense, right? Like, would you, like, go to your sink and not turn the water on, and, like, say you're cooking like a, like a chicken that's got, like, fucking, you're you know, like bacteria, what do you call that, salmonella on it. Imagine you just take dry paper and wipe it off and put it back in your cupboards. It's like people will call you crazy, right?

That's not clean. So the fact that we're still, we're using dry paper to wipe the dirtiest part of our bodies, it just doesn't make any sense. And actually, it's causing 30 million and exacerbating 30 million cases of chronic hemorrhoids, UTIs, yeast infections for men who use wet wipes, it causes anal fissures, anal itching, all these gross things, because to think about you're sitting on poop, fecal matter all day long, which causes infection, disease. It's like, it actually, that shit actually does spread. And so, um, what I noticed was that the Japanese toilets were way too expensive. Nobody wants to like spend thousands of dollars on a toilet plus plumbing, plus electrical for this bidet thing that they don't really know much about. And they don't want to

have a like a spray gun in their bathroom. And so what I, and also the French bidets are those weird squat things next to your toilet. My mom had a bidet. Yeah, those like squat things. We had to shimmy over with your poopy butt. When we moved to the Jersey, right. When we moved to Jersey, there was the bathroom,

the shitter, and it faced this way. Right. And then I would have to get up, turn around, and sit in the thing that you had to turn. Right. So, but it was interesting because as a kid, you had to be taking a shit and I turned the water on. And I had my own.

little fountain right I throw pennies in there make wishes and shit and then after you take your shit you just hop over and let the hot water hit you but the first time I didn't know what it was and I'm looking at it and I turned the water on it hit me right in the fucking face oh my god that's how you discover what a bidet is but then I got hooked on it

right but the thing is we moved in the house and I was 10 and by 11 to 16 I was hooked on that bidet I loved just clean my ass totally and then I would scoot my foot back a little bit and you get the balls nice and wash just in case you bump into a victim You know what I'm saying I would want and let my penis hang

Pull the skin back and clean the pelvis and then you go back and get up your towel dry everything and everything Because I come from humidville What does that mean I come from New Jersey? Nice and I have a fucking shower phobia So I gotta take three showers a day Humidity makes me crazy because I know my ball I was just in case you bump into somebody that's, they speak, my cock's like an anonymous meeting. You don't want your balls to be stinky.

You ever bump into somebody that got stinky balls? It's not a nice fucking situation. So I got hooked on the bidet. After my mom died, I didn't have a bidet no more. Really? And I didn't think I sat in a bidet till three years ago in Las Vegas.

In Las Vegas at the hotel where I do the residency, right? They have a bidet. This is before you experienced a day. Yes, it was about a year before I experienced Tushy. Amazing. And I remember that I sat there going like, wow, like this is better than the tongue up your ass. This is a real true fucking party.

No, but it's so interesting because there's such a real blockage for Americans to use a bidet. So there's historical context. So first of all, the French person invented the bidet, and so the English hate the French. And therefore, they were like, we think bidets are just like this. That didn't the French give us a Statue of Liberty? Well, yeah. What a waste of fucking time.

He just gave everybody a bidet and everything a bit happy. So then during World War II, when American soldiers went to Europe and fought in World War II, they would go to French brothels when they were in France and they would see bidetes

in French brothels. And they associated bidets as something sexual and something phallic and something that was against puritanical America. And so as a result, when they came back,

They were like, we are not, bidets are dirty and disgusting. We refuse. We are not importing bidets, but we're importing pizza. That's when really Americans, you know, found pizza and brought it back to America.

So they basically accepted pizza and shunned bidets. And since then, like, as buildings got built, you have something to say. No, no, no. Okay, yeah. I'm very, I'm very intrigued. Yeah.

All this knowledge that you have. Well, I mean, it's actually, it's actually fascinating when you, when you understand the historical context of why people do something and why people don't do something. It's kind of like, you know, why is it that we use Purell for our hands

and our total germophobes? I mean, I looked it up like Purell sells 200 million bottles a month, you know, to people who are like so germophobic and yet when it comes to their ass, they're not, they're literally doing what people did in the 1800s. I washed my ass before I touched my dick. I wash my ass before I touch my assholes.

I'm one of those guys. Yeah. Like I'm clean all the way. So why do you think people haven't adopted the bidet, in your opinion? They just don't know it. The same reason why people don't try surfing. Right. Maybe there's a phobia, stigma attached to it.

Yeah. People are always like, oh, well, shit spray everywhere? I'm like, no. They think the water hits you in the ass, they might like it. Right. They might end up in a tent and a gay bar in North Hollywood. Right. They have a bar up here.

It's a gay bar. They got a tent there. Anything goes in there. It's true. No, there, no, there, you go there right now and go over and you can see some. No, it's true. Homophobia did play a big role in that. Yes, I think that that's.

For sure. I think that people, men will go on, why would I want my ass out clean? I'm not a fucking, I'm not a fucking gay dude. My ass has to have that wank to it. If not, my wife won't like it. I think it's disgusting. I mean, I like a clean asshole. That's why I like the whole concept.

I believe in being clean. Yeah, I mean, so what's really, what I feel, what I take pride in with Tushy is that it's, it's not a multi-thousand-dollar product. It doesn't require plumbing or electrical. It's $69 that anyone can have one. And, you know, and when, and you can attach it to your toilet in 10 minutes. No, let's get something straight. I don't mean to interrupt it. Yeah.

When the American soldiers were fighting and they went to the French brothels, those bidets were not used just to wash your ass. They were used for quickies in between. I heard my mother say a thousand times how she would wash her pussy in the bidet in Spanish on the phone, their girlfriends. Come on. It's a pussy wash. It is.

It's a quick pussy wash, yeah. If you get something shot in you and you want to, you know, you don't want to dripping at the office an hour later. You got a little bidet there. But I mean, like pre-sex post-sex. Happy dies in the bidet. Nobody knows nothing.

You know what I'm saying? It's the truth. No, it's true. They were used in France as a quick pussy wash in between fucking, what do you call them? Cliffs, what do they call guys that fuck? Johns. Johns.

Yeah. Oh, what they call them? Johns. Yeah. That's interesting. I mean, like, yeah, but that's a good thing where it's a keep yourself clean. I believe me too. So, like, it's actually, like, I feel like, wow, good for them for, like, maintaining clean.

No, that's it. You know, you have to clean that. Yeah, you know? You know, high price hookers go to the doctor once a week and check out their monkeys. Like, when you're charging a thousand bucks for monkey, they got to charge. check it out and make sure it's clean guys know when you got wanky it's got condom residue you know so you got to fucking keep your motor clean if you're i heard this one time yeah that they're like porn stars say that they're it's safer to have sex with them and then they went out they get tested

every two weeks yeah yeah they go to the doctor you got to keep your machine that's your business that's great if that's your business i mean if i was a porn star i'd have a fucking portable tissue no totally and actually it's interesting that you were talking about that is because you know we just did a partnership with asa akira who's a Top. Tremendous. Horm star. Yeah.

She's a podcast. She's going to. No, no. I know I'm because she's friends with Red Man. Yeah, she used to have a podcast with him too. Yeah, she's a shit.

And by the way, she's amazing. I've never met her. I've never met her. She's amazing. So we're doing a partner. Tishy's using a partnership with Aasa. We created the product called the Aso Wash. And if you go to the Asowash.com,

check it out. And by the way, oh, for Tushy. Don't go to Tushy.com because that is a porn site. Right. Go to hellotushy. Hello, Tish.com. All right, so we're thinking back to the invention of the hell out of tissue. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So did you hire an engineer. Yeah, yeah. So we did the whole thing. You put the investment in, the time. Yeah, I mean, we found a manufacturer in Asia who already made bidets. And so we just told them that we wanted it to look like an iPhone, like a really cool, you know, a shape, a familiar shape that people in America really felt comfortable with. And the shape of the smartphone, you know, was a really familiar thing because it's in people's hands 24-7. And so we wanted the product to have the shape.

of an iPhone and so and so then now when you put on your toilet it looks like an art piece instead of some weird contraption that makes you feel like something's wrong with you so what year did you launch Toshy um 2006 well 2016 really had a grand launch really yes it's still pretty new and what's interesting is that more and more people are like oh my god the bidet makes so much sense like like from a environmental perspective it saves 15 million trees from getting flushed down the toilet every single year to like make toilet paper that actually does doesn't properly clean you.

You know, from a cost perspective, like every month you're spending at least $20 on toilet paper and all this stuff, which only makes these huge companies like Procter & Gamble billions of dollars. But for us, like the average working American, that $20 a month goes along. You know, think about it. After 10 years, that's thousands of dollars. And so to really be able to, you know, create something that can, in three months you get paid back, it's a $69 product.

so you're washing your butt properly, saving you like ailments and dealing with doctor's visits for hemorrhoids and shit. And then after three months you're paid back. And so all that toilet paper you're using, you know, you cut that down by 80%. You still have to pat dry. You can use toilet paper to pat dry, or we have organic bamboo butt towels like they do in Italy where they don't use toilet paper. They use towels. So that's another way of doing it. But, you know, to start off, like we'll ease you in, use a bidet you try tushy or whatever you want whatever bidet product and and then to pat dry you can use 80% less water paper you know or just you're in the jungle you know or just fucking wiggle dry yeah you're used to it who gives a fuck that's what lots of people do

lots of people just do i love it i love it because i have it in the back bathroom and my wife and i always forget to put paper in the back bathroom so now i don't worry about that no more now i go back there with confidence. I got the hell old tushy. I dip the nutsack in there. Boom, everybody's happy. And it gives you time to meditate. When hot water's hitting your ass with cool water, something happens to your mind. You're saying? It's like, wait a second. You contemplate. You get to contemplate your state. Do I really need to go to Santa Monica and talk to those people today? Do I really need to come sitting here, hot, cold waters hit my ass. There's not a problem in the world. Even if we get hit by, even if the Korean sends over a bomb, I'm in this little bomb shelter.

Right, it's good. Getting water sprinkled in my ears. I just thought when Lee showed it to me, I was in shock because I was ready to figure out how to get a bidet. Like I was already in the process of talking to my wife, like the next place we move, we have to install a bidet. I know it would be three or four grand. You've got to cut floors and move shit over. But to have a bidet in your house is fucking amazing. So you don't have the three, four grand.

You pop the portable fucking hello tushy in And it works just the same. Yeah. How long will we have ours? Like two years? Yeah. And we're two fat motherfuckers. And they've done and cracked them up.

Use it every day. It's like life changing. Honestly, like the fact that like I just can't, It's like it's like in 1890s people used like like dry paper to wipe their teeth down. That's why people were like having cavities and all these issues and like black teeth. and teeth falling out. And then they invented the toothbrush. And then during like the early 1900s.

And it's like the fact that we're like they invented the toothbrush and then didn't solve the fucking toilet paper situation. It's just so interesting to me. It's like you're still doing what you did in the 1890 to wipe your ass. But to brush your teeth, we create the toothbrush. No, let's go back to the Indian. Yeah. Because usually an Indian shakes your hand with their right hand. Right.

But if they hate you, they shake your hand with your left hand because they can tell you you're a piece of shit because supposedly they wipe their hand with their hand yes they don't use toilet paper yeah they just washed that's why I wouldn't they only use their one hand to eat as well that's why when you hit the lottery at the lotto place and a little little indian but they have the bum guns the left hand don't shake it he's giving you the kiss of that malook hand they definitely use toilet paper here don't they I don't know well no no they they have they have bum guns the lotas so they basically it's basically like a hose that's sprays your ass.

Who sprays it, then? They do. It's a weird, that's a thing, but it's a really uncomfortable reach around situation. Right. You know, it's just. You're a chubby guy.

Yeah, it's like, you know, throw your fucking back out. People, no, people, people. People who are more. You throw your back, fucking washing your ass. No, actually, people who, people. I was watching her on stage.

I was looking at her arms, and I'm no math major. But you could tell, there's no way she could reach around and wipe her. Yeah, no, no, actually. Send me a picture of a lady today. Because you were coming on. I went to CVS this morning.

Oh, yeah. No, a woman has to buy one of those extenders to actually, no, for really, really, like, you know, obese people, you have to actually buy an extender to wipe your ass because they can't reach around. So you actually have to buy, like, a stick that pinches paper, toilet paper, and then you kind of, like, try to rub back there. Look at this lady's ass for.

Look at this lady's ass. I saw her about 8.30 this morning. And I go, and she was standing. So by this time she had moved. And I didn't want to be like a 60-minute type guy. I take a picture of her ass. And I just thought about Hello Tushy. Like she's the perfect advertising.

The Hello Tushy, the extended triple X version. It's bigger than 300 pounds. And you want your ass her to be clean. And it has like, the thing I like with the Hello Tuts, you have to extend your cheeks also. Like, you have to sit a certain way. That's to get the maximum. Oh, I rock.

back and forth. Yeah, I rock back and forth too. You rock is... I rock. What I do... Oh, you use a thing and just like let it do... Yeah. Oh, look, come on. You know me. I'm half a doctor. I don't have no problem. You know why? I got a back bathroom. So I opened the door. I closed the door

that leads into my office. And I smoke pot while I shit. So every time you cough, you just drop. There's no cut. Genie. There's no cut no more. It just comes all out. blah, blah, blah.

while you're coughing. You're choking. You hear it going into the water like a shark. Ba, pa, bah, bah, bah. And then you're telling the hell of tissue on nothing. Everybody's happy. Right? I was kind of disappointed when he gave me the cold one.

I was like, oh, maybe I'll order the hot water one. I like the cold. I like the cool one too. I use the cool one too. I didn't even hook up my warm and cool one. And by the way, if you bought the warm and cool one and you didn't want to hook it up, you can actually just still use it for the cool water one.

Oh, okay. I like the medium. Yeah. I don't want your ass or be on fire. Then you leave the house. I like it nice and cool. Nice and cool. It wakes me up.

I like it. But it's like not, it's like room temp, you know, it's like. Mine's cold. It's been chilly around here lately. Mine's been cool. I like it. Yes, I cry out therapy for your ass.

It's funny. I went to crowd therapy tonight. I went to the jitsu this afternoon. I went to crowd therapy. Nice. And when if I go to crowd therapy, I always think about how, I used to go to a gay bar in the 80s in New York called Ramrods.

That's why I used to buy Quailudes, Corrilla Biscuits. What are Quailudes again? Quaid Ludes are Cosby pills. I know, I know. Before Cosby fucking disgraced them and ran them through the fucking mud. Quailudes were a fun drug. Everybody did Gorilla Biscuits. They were fun.

Gorilla biscuits. And I would go down there and I saw it and they had three floors of gaydom. You know, they had lesbians, gay guys and they had like a fetid. floor well you know and yeah like but the thing I remember one time was a guy telling me that he got his dick sucked the night before by a guy with ice cube was in his mouth and he liked it oh yeah he goes his mouth was cold it was tremendous and I'm thinking about how that guy really invented cryotherapy you didn't even know it that's so that's a whoever sucked his dick invented cryotherapy without

knowing that guy but I thought if you used ice cubes it made it shrink I don't know Unless you suck a good dick. Right. And it's not ice cubes. It's like crushed crushed ice ice. Right, right, right. Like White Castle ice ice. You're gonna white castle.

They don't give you ice cubes. They give you that crushed ice. You could suck a pipe and we're not scratching a dick. You're a fucking profession. I'm saying. I mean, not for nothing. We're all family here. We're talking about this.

It's like a Thanksgiving conversation. You know what I'm saying? We should bring it up when grandma comes. Yeah, fuck grandma. Is grandma coming on the show? No, grandma's dead and buried. Grandma's dead and buried in a Vanacuber. I'm going.

Oh, cool. Yeah, that poor bitch. Nine kids, never got nothing for it. Died in communism. What the fuck? Have you been back? No. Not since they opened it?

Yeah, I haven't either. Yeah. I don't know what my problem is. I don't know, you know, it's like 23 in me. And all those things. For some people, they can handle it. For some people, they can't handle it. What's your breakdown?

I loved it. I loved doing 23 of me, but I have a friend that found out that his grandmother had an affair. So now they call him the grandma whore. They're going to the grave and throwing flowers on and on it. Oh my God. That's what 23 of me did to their fucking family. It's not 100% accurate. It's one of those fucking things. Come on. It's right in there. Okay, wait. So what percentage of you are, is? They had the person that you... Me, I'm from the upper peninsula of Spain, like 50% of. 50% is from Spanish blood.

Then I had West African blood. I had Chinese blood from when the Chinese went around the world. And they found their DNA. I have some of that DNA. A little Russian Jew. And that's it. There was something else. West African.

The North tip of Spain, they call it something. They have a name for that. I don't mind doing 23 of me. But if you're going to find out your uncle's your fucking father. You know what I'm saying? It's not going to help the family. No, no, I get that. Yeah, that's scary.

Now the last 10 conversations with him, it's about his grandma fucking a Cuban guy. Instead of fucking the grandpa, and that's why the Cuban, it's fucking hysteria. Whoa. And maybe like, but are the grandkids now like children from the affair? Yeah, like everybody's fucking a shock. Like nobody knows nothing now. Now everybody knows why they fucking, they're like fried bananas. You know, now everybody knows.

They have bongo drums. They got a certain urge to get up and dance. You know what I'm saying? For years, they thought they were Italian. Wow. You would see the commercial with the kid that comes out. Hi, my name is Louis. You could tell that guy sucked 18 dicks.

He's like, I thought for years I was something else, but I'm really Italian. You know Italian. Nobody's going to claim you. All right, Louis. Knock it off. You saw that commercial with the white chick, with the half a fag boyfriend with his pants rolled up? I just like, for years, I thought my name was Irish. But it turns out of really Italian.

Well, you know, my, my, well, I can't even think husband. It's my first time saying really husband, like out in real life. And we just got married. But he just found out he was Jewish only a few years ago as well. Congratulations. I know. And then he was like, oh. He found out, because his dad, his dad had kept it a secret because his, it's a long story.

But his dad's family, his dad's family were anti-Semites. and they then found out that they were Jewish. They sold the information to the Nazis. No, they didn't. Like the insights man. Yes, I saw the fucking movie. Well, it wasn't them. They were fucking no good, those fucking people.

They were those desert Jews. They were their own mother for a dollar. It was crazy. I'm telling you. Well, so what's so crazy was as soon as he found. When you see Jews that are fucked up, that means they did deals with the Nazis. Those people don't last forever.

You don't want to be around them because those Nazis are in Argentina. Oh, my God. That's quite a movie. Yeah. Well, I mean, he, as soon as he found out, he found, there's a free trip to go to Israel if you're a fight, if you find out you're Jewish,

um, it's called, uh, birthright. Yeah. And free on the free and everything. Everything. You have to be, they want young people to move there. So yeah.

I think, I had already been, so I wasn't allowed to do it, but yeah. Let's pretend tomorrow. My friend, my friend Max's uncle created birthright. Okay.

And so yeah, and then, and then Andrew went on birthright. As soon as he found out, he was just like free trip to Israel. So tomorrow, if I do 23 of me and I know somebody down there, and he pushes the gays to over 50% on 23 of me on Israel. I think you have to be under 30. Let me check.

Under 30%. Under 30 years old. Oh. Oh, it's under 30. What are I going to be a fuck? I'm not going to be a fake being a Jew. You're going to put an age restriction. You know what I'm saying?

I can move to play a Jew now. I get the long sideburns. I got a black jacket with the fucking little hat. I'll borrow the little fucky. Get a little dandruff on my shoulder. Yeah, 18 to 32. What a fucking rip-off. You have to have at least one Jewish parents.

what the fuck what kind of things is that yeah we want to keep all you're exclusionary letitia katin she's his Puerto Rican Jew on Facebook she'd be all right well I grew in Montreal in Montreal there's big Jewish population actually surprisingly did not know that but it was so how the fuck did you end up in school in upstate New York that's where you go to prison my no my well my parents my parents are a very Asian and they were like you cannot leave California my my my mom is from Japan like off the boat and I don't look Asian at all really you could not get a I know when I met you you're like Mickey I thought you were black I thought you were

black the name like Kiwi Makawaka Mickey I'm like she's got to be black that she married a black dude something's going on here you couldn't get a job of Benny Han if you wanted to fucking he's got a better job of kind of getting a job of Benny Han you don't look nothing Japanese or your sister looks more Indian yeah it's actually very true yeah she's a little darker she's beautiful both my gosh very beautiful thank you yes no Japanese you look a little Japanese yeah she's after you smoked the refa it came out of you started buying and shit you fucking valeted the rickshaw you imagine that valet the rickshaw you pull up I can't wait to have that much

money to just have a rickshaw it's just gonna whip me for you that's my fantasy I don't want a Mercedes I don't want a Porsche I don't want a jet I don't want a plane I want a fucking rickshaw. I love it. In the HOV lane, a Japanese guy in good shape, just running down the 405. That service pulling up in fucking Dan Tannis. It's going to take you years to get everywhere. No, wouldn't.

These Japanese people don't fuck around. Have you ever seen them how they run with a rickshaw? You can't run 40 miles an hour? What? There's guys, I think, in Portland, that drive you around in bicycles. You got to see them. shape. Yeah. They get me on a bike with 300 pounds. They got me there

in two fucking minutes where I got to be. So, yeah. So my dad was speaking, so interesting, you just said rickshaw and a Japanese person running because my dad's from India and that would be like a perfect mix. Japanese guy riding it in the Indian rickshod. I mean, wonderful. So my dad... Pimpin. I know, pimping. Fucking straight out of

what's that movie they made when they won the Academy Award? No, no, millionaire. A millionaire. Slamdog millionaire. Yeah. Yeah. Like a doctor. Slum A millionaire. That's when the kid falls into the the mountain of poop. That's terrible. That's, can you imagine?

That was a, that was a nod to the global sanitation crisis. But anyway, no, I, yeah, so my parents, my father came to this country from India with $5 in his pocket. Everybody does.

I know, right? Nobody ever shows up with our grand, you know what I'm saying? My uncle came with $2. Yeah, good. Yeah, good. Well, he did any, he had to buy,

he went to go to Salvation Army and, like, buy a jacket with it. So he really didn't have any money. So, we like you know going to go to college in Montreal was really cheap you know thinking about well how fucking weird is that line that every immigrant including myself uses but it's true he actually had my grandfather came this country with eight dollars in this pocket well I hope he sucked dick because things get well my dad my dad

after a take out a $50 loan to go take my mom out to dinner because when he met her he had no money and he wanted to you want to take her out to dinner so he took out a $50 loan this is back in 1974 so $50 was a lot of money and he took out a loan and fill out like 40 pages of paperwork to pay to pay for which to borrow $50 to take out my mom from where and well he was it from India and he was taking out my mom but he didn't where were they in Canada in Ottawa at Carleton University yeah and so anyway so it's a beautiful story so in Montreal the the cost to go to college it's a beautiful story He bought $50.

He took her home for a handshake. He didn't even get a nookie cookie. You know what I'm saying? That poor Indian bastard. Well, my mom. $50, take your mama. She's Japanese. She ain't giving nothing up on the first thing.

You're right. She didn't give it at all until he married her. You got to go home with blue balls down minus 48. She says, you know what I'm saying? You got to go home with $2. You got blue balls. This hot Japanese chick, she wanted to keep drinking that sake. I kept pushing the sake like Cosby.

But nobody was drinking. You know what I'm saying? Abasaki, Abasaki, loosen up. Oh my God. Well, so they met,

and actually it is a beautiful story. They fell in love, and it was like an against all odds love story. Like my mom, you know, her parents cut her off financially. You know, they said,

if you marry this guy, Indian lowly guy, and my dad's family were like, we have an arranged marriage for you, you know, in India that would make us, you know, like fine.

dowry and set us up. So both sides, they were like, fuck, what do we do? And they said, fuck, we're just marrying each other. But my mom said to my dad that she wouldn't have sex with him or she wouldn't have sex with him until he married her.

So they got married within seven months. And then they had three of us in one year. Yeah, so my older sister's 11 months older than us and my twin sister and I were born. Me as you question. Yes. You know your dad, you know your mom. They fooled around a little bit before those seven months.

Like just a little bit. Knowing my mom. Maybe like dry humping to some Japanese music, something like that. You can't hold on forever. You got to give me a sample of something. You know what I'm saying? Nobody's going to marry you without a sample or something. You got to show me something.

I mean, I think my mom was pure, but I don't know. She just admitted to me, like, not too long ago that she took a puff of marijuana smoke. But she's like, I did not inherit. I did not inherit. She just like, she just puffed it out right away. One of our good friends in her in how. was Japanese and she also got you know her father on like a chopstick company he was filthy fucking rich they had planes and shit she wants to marry fucking kuntikinti and she ruins everything she

marries the blackest black guy in Hollywood and they live in a fucking one bedroom with three kids she could have it all and the mother she's telling me the whole story the mother would come the father would stay in his Mercedes and he has not said a word to her she's she married the black guy. Not a word. Makes her live in a one bedroom with three kids and fucking Kuntakinti. But did she love it or no? Huh?

Does she have to? She's a great lady. I call her mom. Her name is Messiah. Amazing. And I call her mom and she's beautiful and she's got a fucking body that don't quit. She's a mom of four kids. So she has to go to Yon at 4 a.m.

I'd be snort and coke, whacking off, looking outside the window. I see mom with her yoga pants walking to yoga at 4 in the morning. I go, my was a piece of ass, ain't she? But she was family. I can you ask somebody for a piece of ass before in Maui. I still talk to her. And are you still together? They're still together.

That's amazing. And the fact that she said no to like a life that could have been just deluded for her. I mean, that, that's a real thing. Society's still. The mother drops, the father drops her off and sits in the fucking car. And will not talk to her. And we'll make. Wow.

Check on the kids. She brings the kids down. Shows from the kids. Grandpa, he don't want to see her. And the kids are all half black with Michael Jackson. Everybody looks like Prince. So the father's fucking furious the whole time.

He's playing with him. He don't know he's playing with. Listen, racism. You know, that shit still exists in family. No, no. Are you kidding? Are you kidding? I don't even want to.

Half of us don't even want to marry the person we're hooked up with. You ever get married and go on a honeymoon and go, what the fuck that I do? What the fuck did I do? I didn't check out the paperwork. This bitch snores. You know, something is something. You always find something out of honeymoon.

Well, in the Indian world, in the Indian world, you only meet the person like one day before or something. That's horrible. It's crazy. It's actually really fucked up. Can you imagine? It's happening still today.

It was me, Mickey. You imagine. you're in India and you gotta marry your fat fucking Cubans and all of a sudden you're like, what the fuck do I do? I better start cleaning the asses, I gotta do something. That's fucked up. Like, how are you supposed to marry

somebody you're not attracted to? I know, it's crazy. At all. I live the rest of your life. I mean, what, you know, and like, actually, and like, it's not like a, it's not like I'm fucking segueing to like my book, but I mean, what's interesting is that, you know,

the reason why we, like, follow these preconceived sort of paths is just made up. Like everything's made up, right? Like the fact that like arranged marriages, like that was just like a thing that someone decided was the way it was going to be and then people were like, all right, we agree.

You know, like the same thing with like everything in our lives. Everything in our life. Everything is made up. I had a conversation with my 23-year-old niece yesterday. I bought the job market. You know, just the regular conversation with a young girl doesn't have a father. I'm tight with a mother.

My wife is her aunt, but I've had it since she was three. Right. So she calls me. And we talked about the job market. And I got out to phone and I looked at my wife last and I go, you know, the system ain't working. No, no one's preparing you for being in the world. No. The system ain't working.

Half these kids are coming out of college in debt and there's nothing for them. Yeah. Right now, my daughter was 18, I'd have to sit her down and go, how about we got a deal? that's got a deal. You live in the house for a year. No guys. You could date, you know, just no guys in the house. I don't want to wake up the fucking Kuntiginta in the living room.

No, I don't give a fuck. I'm not racist like that. I'm Cuban. I can't be racist. I'll pay the rent and I'll make your car payment, but you have to get a job one year. Yeah. I want you to learn, if you really want to be a marine biologist,

you'll learn after this one year in the real, world it helped me a lot I didn't go to I didn't have the funds to go to college I got a job selling cars and it taught me about people lying credit it teaches you how to sell that's something I've never lost and I think kids today the old they're soft and but also like the world like they're they're so coddled and you can't even know you can't even sit them down and be like hey that wasn't okay because then they'll go to like the fucking like like bored and be like they were rude to me and then conversation I hope I didn't insult you or anybody in the room when I was talking about degrees.

No. Nothing bothers me more when a guidance counselor prepares you for fucking failure. Yeah. You know what? I want to learn women studies. Then take it as a fucking minor.

I know. Okay? Then take it as a fucking mind. Go learn computer science. I want to learn African women studies. That's great. That's great. That's great.

But unless you get a job at a bongo store, you're not going to fucking make a living in this life. How many African bongo stores are there in L.A.? Let's tweet them. It's like a history. You know, so I don't agree no more. It's like I went to prison. I got out of prison.

I got married. I had a kid. I got a job. And one day when I was 30, I go, this is it. This is it. Well, you know, Horace Mann created the school system. Right, the school system. To create the school system to basically churn out factory workers, right?

Because they need to create, because like the industrial revolution was happening and all these factories were forming. And they needed to teach people how to be. obedient like sheep and churn them in and churn them out like hogs in the machine. So if someone didn't make it to the factory, like to the factory, they could just plop somebody else in, literally like a human machine part. And so the common school, so Horace Mann created this thing called the common school where, where he would basically teach people, where he taught the teachers to teach the students how to become like factory workers and think like that and just conform them to the societal ways

of being. And so that's where all of this consumerist mindset happened. That's where all the indoctrination and everything. Like that's why the tables were in certain rows, you know, in those rows like that. That's to basically create these factory workers to create obedient students. Like the whole structure of the school system was created specifically for factory workers. And now, of course, in 2018, the fact that we're still churning students in and out with these standardized tests and all these things that do not work. And we know that. you know there 100% there needs to be a complete shift it has to be I think the traditional

high school four year college come out in debt credit cards handed to you from every five so you take your first school loan yeah you're open game yeah and you're young and you're naive and your parents tell you not to buy those fucking shoes on the credit card but you buy them anyway and now once a month you gotta pay 34 dollars for the rest of your fucking life yeah and it's we've all learned that lesson but I think it's being you know leith you know I talk to Lee and I go

Lee when you go to these interviews do they even talk to you about college yeah yeah what's your work experience what's your work experience so my niece is beef was she's graduating you know five beta fucko from the University of Tennessee and nobody oh hi right so she says you know she's what was her major something like fucking smart something like I mean, you have to have work experience. So I mean, I will say that, you know, in my experience of even, you know, hiring as an entrepreneur, I mean, you're a startup and you need people with experience and you're hiring a lot of people right out of college, which is also great because you had to find bright-eyed Bush and tail. And you consider yourself an entrepreneur.

Yeah. You have several different businesses. Yes. Right. I do. You have Tushy. I have three restaurants called Wilde, which you should come to when you come to New York. There are gluten-free pizza places, but sounds weird.

Sounds weird. I love you to death, but I can't. I can't let my people down. Migrants died to bring that recipe over. And you want to take the gluten out because your stomach hurts. Go fuck yourself. I'm going to go to your restaurant. I have three slices and shit.

I just told you. I almost killed Lauren Hill on the flight. Exactly. That's what we have. We have cheese options that you can eat. Really? Yeah. We have.

We have non-dairy cheeses. And so we have cashew cheese. We've got. You're killing me. You're killing me. You're killing me. You're not going to then blow up the fucking. fucking whole plane. I don't give a fuck. If you put

calf fucking cheese on a pizza, I gotta stand you, I gotta put a hit on you. We also have regular, we have organic mozzarella cheese as well. Okay. So we have that. What does that mean? It means that... If the cow didn't get kicked, I want the cow to get a couple kicks to the head, then they know the serotonin goes into

the cheese, you know? It's like chickens. You ever taste of chicken that hasn't been kicked? You ever taste a chicken that's been kicked? Fucking delicious, tender. You know what I'm saying? You got a chicken that's been pet and They taste like dick. It's like this, what is this?

Mushroom chicken piccata with no picata. You need a chicken that get kicked a couple times. I'm not saying nothing bad here. You know, I love your peanut. How do you know it has been kicked? Because you can taste it. As soon as you bite that chicken color, you're like, this fucking chicken. Got this shit knocked out of him last night.

They put them in a cage against fuck. You can taste it. Oh, my God. And now there's a fucking turkey recall. Two days before fucking Thanksgiving, salmonella. So now I'm gonna get invited to vegan. That's because they're not washing their asses.

People aren't washing their butts. No, they just can't come up with that many turkeys in this. It's too much. I know. There's just, it's like the whole. The whole system is fucking crazy. It's everything.

No, it's actually, and it's all bullshit and all made up. Like, even money is made up. Money is an energy, you know, made up energy exchange. You know,

it's actually like all of it is just like fucking made up. Oh, whoa. Let's go back to the pizzas because you got me robbed up. Where are these pizza love? Oh, I have two in New York. One in Brooklyn, one in Manhattan, and I have one. And you haven't been lit on fire yet? No, no, we experienced Hurricane Sandy.

We went through. No, he means people like him throwing a brick through the window. Like, where's your pizza place? Where's your pizza place? It's on Hudson Street. Between Perry and Charles. That's why you get away with that shit. 535 Hudson Street.

You do that up on the west side. Somebody to throw a brick through your window. Two in the morning they want a pizza. You give them Catholic. pizza, I'll fucking kill you. No calf liver pizza. What is it? You say?

We have barbecue chicken pizza. Oh, yeah, I have to stab you with bayonet. Okay, fine. We've got, we've got, we've got Margarita pizza. We've got, you keep it to dish. We've got, well, we have like a white truffle pizza with mushrooms. It's really nice. We've got, yeah, we've got a prosciutto pizza.

That sounds nice. Yeah, and it's up with a spicy prosciutto. We've got, you know, we have. What if I want gluten? I want to read. The restaurant How about gluten? The restaurant

fortunately is 100% gluten free. You know 20% of Americans eat gluten free now? Because a lot of people are actually intolerant micro intolerances are slightly allergic and they don't know it and they can't be floating.

For 800 years, Christopher Columbus is tolerant of free. Nobody do nothing. No, no, I'll tell you why. All of a sudden they can't wait to tell you They're gluten free. No, no, I'll tell you why. How the fuck you know you're gluten-free?

Who the fuck told you? You go, you do blood work. Huh? You do blood work and you check it out. You ask your doctor. You believe this shit. People would be at a bar drinking one night and having a good time. Yeah, then you have stomach cake.

It's shit everywhere. What's the problem? I don't know. No, because gluten today, the way it's the way it's made, like the way that it's all fucking bullshit. I agree with you. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no.

I listen. I love this. I thought you were selling like, you know, what's that other? Well, I'll tell you. Vegan. No, what's the shit that my girl likes? The goat cheese. You don't put goat cheese.

kill you. Don't put go cheese on the okay fine, okay fine. Great, done, no problem, done. I'm gonna be in New York, 14th, or 19, don't go cheese. We'll go. I'll actually I will, I will, I dare you to come meet me there. I'm a, no, I dare you to meet me there and we will have you taste it. I'll do a blind, I'll put blindfold on you and I'll do like a

normal, no gluten, a gluten pizza and then our pizza and you won't know, you'll actually think, you won't know the difference. You won't know the difference number one and number two, you'll actually think ours is tastier. It's a little light. No, no, but it doesn't even, if, feels like actual like you're tasting you work the restaurants at all you in there i ran them for seven years before i brought up an amazing partner in who it's amazing when you find the right

person to really run your business i love you did that you're japanese and indian you got washed the register listen i got rob for four years no no no i got rob no you're right you got somebody no i got rob for seven years you go to a greek diner in new york i know they The mother's always there. They only trust the mother. Not even the wives. Fuck my wife. Fuck my wife.

The mother's there 12 hours a day falling asleep with a big zit with hair coming out of it. They don't give a fuck. You gotta wake him up to pay the bill. Mama, mama, wake up. I had a cheeseburger deluxe. No, I got robbed for so many years. But honestly,

I got robbed so long. And this sounds really naive to say, but I swear to got, like, when I met with Walid, my partner, who's fucking amazing. What's his name? Walid. He's the best.

Walita, Mommy, I fucking love him so much. Anyway, so I met with him. And my first question him... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now, is he Indian, too? No, he is Tunisian. Listen. You gotta pick a flag, okay?

You can't. If you're gonna sell pizza, you gotta have an Italian in there. No, no, no. He's like an Italian at heart. You're fucking Indian. No, no. And you got a Tunisian guy.

I can't buy a slice with me. I just can't sleep at night. You know what I'm saying? I can't buy a slice from me. Okay, no. Trust me. I can't sleep at night. I will, I swear to God,

you come into my restaurant. I will not even. I know people are smuggled in the ship like so it's one of Paul McCartney's favorite restaurants. I don't give a fuck about Paul McCartney. Who else? Who else? Bon Jovi.

All right, then maybe I'll go. No, there's, like, it's actually ask him. Ask Bon Jovi what he thinks about wild. I'll call him up right now. Come right now. Ask him at the house. He's at the house right now. Yeah, so, so that was my first business.

And it's been around for 15 years. It was before the tushy. I was 25 years old. God bless you. Yeah. And you started gluten-free from the beginning. We were gluten-free. I just spilled blood off.

That's sexy. It's like a Carl's Judy commercial. I'm sorry. What was it? The restaurant. Oh. When you were 25. Oh, yeah.

So when I was 25 years old, I opened the restaurant, no experience, raised $250,000. you know, just like from like random people and friends and family, just like people. And tell me the truth, you sleep with an old man. No. Tell me the truth then. One of them might have loved me, but it's the matter. All right.

You kept them on the string though. You wore cleavage with your knowledge. I don't have much cleavage, but I mean. You don't need much cleavage. I have a nice ass, though. I'll give you that. You're a savage. Yeah, so, no, I mean, fuck, it's fucking hard out there.

Anyway, but so, so yeah, the right. I mean, the restaurant's been going, so I finally brought Walid in. And my first question to him was, like, do you believe in karma? I swear to God, I was my first question because I had been robbed for so long and just dealt, like, I felt so betrayed. And so I said, do you believe in karma? And his, literally, this was his answer. Whenever I have a bad thought, a bicycle, run over my foot.

That's what he said. And I was like, oh, my God. And my second question was like, I was like, are you, are you the genie from Aladdin? because I was like, I felt like I met the guy, like the person who wasn't going to steal for me. So he's running both of your restaurants. Yeah.

At three, we have one in Guatemala as well, a franchise. Guatemala? Yeah, random. Yeah. Couldn't be like Jersey. I know. Couldn't be like Connecticut.

You had to go Brooklyn, New York, Guatemala. Like that's deep. Like on your pizza box. It's New York, Brooklyn, and Guatemala. Who the fuck? You know what I'm saying? Like, it's usually Beverly Hills, New York, and London.

This is Brooklyn and Guadalajara. Whatever the book. What is it, Narcos 3? I don't know. I don't know. No, it was like, they eat a lot of pizza there? They will, so they're very interested in, in the gluten-free movement, interestingly enough. And they want to bring a gluten-free kind of fast food, but higher-end restaurant concept to Guatemala.

And like, literally, it's, it's kicking ass. You got on there a lot? I've actually personally never been, but I get the posts and the Instagrams and pictures. You are, it's like a guy, they use your name or you own it off? Wild. They use Wild. And they're a franchise. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So that's the thing. We got like, we had like 80 franchise inquiries over the last few years. And it was all people who like either read my first book, do cool shit. And they were like, we love it. We love the idea. We like, we want to open one.

But they didn't have any experience. And so people, you know, like we've known all the horror stories, people who don't have experience trying to run a franchise is just like the biggest. nightmare and like you know like walk towards you know like destruction of your brand what other business do you have um so yeah anyway so we refresh her that and so now

we've been over 15 years wild it's awesome come i'm dare you I dare you to come dare you I'm gonna come okay great and I will do a blind test I swear to God let's do it no we're doing it I'm just in a margarita and I'm gonna fucking eat it and you know and have a great time I'm going to radio city to take the family perfect great I'll take your whole people yeah I've done And then I started this period underwear company called Thanks Period underwear Yeah period proof underwear

We're not gonna talk about that now Yeah yeah I'm like periods and I don't be around me I mean while you're here because of it Traumatized Really? Why? Because my mother I used to my job when I was four and five

Was to clean the bar And stocked the ice And fill the shelves And help her get changed and stuff like that But I was like a little half a fat cube and I believed in like treasure hunters. So I would always like get a quarter and I'd make my own maps and say, look what I found. I found this quarter and my mom knew I stole it.

You know what I'm saying? She's like, what are you? Like, you drew the map yourself. I would wrinkle it and burn the edges. Like I would burn the edges to make it look like it was a map. And then they had a, she had a bartender called Pepe Encego, right? Pepe, but he was blind, so he wore thick glasses. So in Spanish, they called him Encego.

So one day they started Fuck with me like come here You know there's a treasure chest In the ladies bathroom They go we can't tell you Like they fucking played me like a film For like three weeks They're like don't tell them about the treasure

So what did you do My mother drew a map And it led me to the woman's bathroom To the period box And I stuck my hand there thinking Like there was like a hundred mill in there And I came up with a Cotex in 1970 You know what a Cotex looked like in 1970

What it looked like? Now they're nice and thin because everybody's pussy's nice and thin. It's a little strip. A cortex looked like a fucking brick. It weighed like eight pounds. A woman had to be an Olympic lifter. When a woman got her period,

her back got thrown out for five days. Because a period, a fucking cortex was thick. And when you bundled it up, it was like, and I remember taking it out and looking at it and smelling it. And going, what the fuck? And then my mom and the peppy were laughing. I was crying.

I'm like, there was no treasure. It was a woman's fucking blood and all this shit. I was washing my hands 18 times. And after that, I don't fuck with periods. If you have your periods, we don't talk. Interesting. Don't call me. Well, you know, without that, you wouldn't be here.

Without a period? Yeah. I used to have a girlfriend. I would go over there with a rock, a Coke from time to time. You got a monkey. And she would call me if she'd get drunk, but I always knew her cycle. And whenever she called me, it was like the 24th, I wouldn't answer the phone. That.

She would call, why don't you ever call me back? No, I'm busy. Because you got your period. You know, good to me. What am I going to eat? Sex is actually, it's quite nice. That's disgusting. It's like murdering somebody.

You wake up in there's blood everywhere. You got to do with the shower. I did it one time and I fainted. You did? In fact, I talked to her today. I talked to her today. You did not. I talked to her today.

She's one of my dearest friends. We moved here together. We were at a beach one time in Seattle, her and I on a cove. And it was like, and we talked about it today. She was laughing still. She was crazy just like Uncle Joey, but very hot.

And she was, there was a stream. And this place in Seattle had little caves where you could go into it. And I was drinking a bottle in James. Because I don't drink alcohol, but I could drink like a wine cooler. I'm about 30. It's 1996. I'm about 33, 34. She's about 28.

She's fucking banging. I had been dating for like two years. We talked about this today. I'm looking at her ass at the bikini on. I got to try this. I'm licking the bottle and James bottle. And I just start putting it by her little monkey. And I'm just putting it by her little pussy.

What's monkey? The pussy. And I'm putting it by a pussy. And the bottle's empty, right? So I'm putting it by her pussy and I'm rubbing it. And she's starting to breathe heavy. And I open up her thigh. And I slipped the little bikini over.

And I start taking the bottle because I'm a savage. And I put it in her monkey. And I'm starting to just give it like little push. Right? Look at mama. She's getting hot over there. She's like, Joey's the real fucking deal. He's a savage.

So I'm a young guy. I don't know what I'm doing. And I'm just giving it like a little masturbating with the thing, like a dildo. And now she's going crazy. And I'm working this motherfucker. And the vacuum from the bottle. Oh, my God. Suctioned it.

Suckioned her period. It was out like in two days. And I'm looking at the bottle. And all of a sudden I'm seeing this brown blooded the bottle. I'm like, ah! And I passed out. She had to wake me up because I can't see needles of blood.

I pass out. She had to wake me up. My head was on a rock. We laughed about it today because she goes, she was telling me that the guy she dates now, she called me today.

She's like, I've been thinking about you for like a month. I go, what's going on? She goes, because we dated 20 years ago. But we're still out. Like, I'm a godfather to one of her kids. So she goes,

I was talking, because we talk about everything. So she called me this morning. I'm at Marie E.T. And I'm riding before Jiu-Jitsu. And she goes, I love my new boyfriend. But I like him because he reminds me of you. He chokes me.

He makes me lick his balls and he whips me and shit. But he's got E.D. What's he? He has dead dick. He's 45. He's got to do squats. That's what cure is dead dick. You got to do squats.

What happened? Wait, what happens we have dead dick. That's what she was saying. She goes, she's crazy. For starters, she's crazy. So she's like, I can't suck his dick for a half hour Not getting anything for me Right

You know, like she's crazy She called me once and said she went to the doctor I get it That she had what's that shit in her? Carpola tunnel Carpah tunnel from giving hand jobs She goes, I got carpal tunnel From all those years in high school

Giving out hand jobs I'm on the phone Fucking dying till I even had to call the podcast And she said it on the podcast She's the real deal Oh my God So she called me out of the blue And she goes, I haven't talked to you

Because I'm with a jealous guy And I know that you called a few weeks ago She goes he mind me you He fucking tears me apart You know he fucking chokes me He pulls my hair But then when we go to do it He's got E.D. What should I do?

I'm like, I don't know Tell him to do squats I'm 55 I'm still rocking and rolling Because I do squats You gotta do squats Yeah Squats gets that area

It's the truth Look at what squats do Look at what heavy squats do to a man They change your life You're not a fan. I got, listen, I was with my wife for 13 years. Nothing happened. I got knee surgery.

And you didn't want to use Viagra or anything. No, I don't want to use. Not you, but him. Him. I don't know. I didn't ask. What are we going to call him up and suggest Viagra? I don't believe in that shit.

Like, I'm crazy. Believe those. I'll take anything. I won't take it by Agra. It scares the shit out of it. Yeah, it's scary. If you need to take something for your dick, then just tell the chick, listen, there's no sex, but I'm, I'm going to suck the fucking anus out of your anus.

I'm a hell of a tushy, your asshole. Via fucking text message, you know what I'm saying? I'm hello tushy. I'm close and personal. How the fuck is a woman, a mom, intelligent, an entrepreneur businesswoman. How do you do it all? And be so sweet and be so down to earth.

I mean, how do you do it? Same thing, right? No, you do it. and you're kind of part of a foo-foo world, but you're fucking real. Like, you're fucking real. Like, you're real. I mean, I talk about poop all the day long.

Well, no, I know you're infractuated with assholes. I can't even imagine what you could do with your tongue. You invent it. Forget about it. When you eat ass, you go to town. You know what I'm saying? When you're doing around the world, this isn't around the world. I'm in Tunisia.

I'm fucking thinking about karma, my shoelaces. What was the last time you got to go around the world, Lee? Never. That's what the fucking problem is. That's why you walk around and looking around like a momo all the time. Wait. A rocking ship to hit you.

But you're just an amazing woman. And in L.A., you would have a different temperament to you. Because you're in New York, I think. It keeps you a little bit more grounded. How many children do you have? I've won, 16 months. Yeah, I saw the baby. Yeah.

I have a twin sister. And that helps me too. Because anytime we both, if either of us are like not being exact, I mean, like, we've been together for 39 years. Like, every, me and my twin sister. Well, I hope so. I hope she didn't pop up like four years later.

But like living in the same, like within five blocks for each other for our entire lives. And so we see each other like pretty much every day. Yeah. Yeah. I could see that. She's your best friend. Yeah.

And so when you have your mirror with you everywhere you go, it keeps you like totally who you were. You have a caller and say you got a shit. And she's like, yeah. Me too. Oh yeah. No, we call. No, she, like her, she's, the reason why she's moving out of her apartment into, and she bought a house is because her apartment did her, they're, they're one of the only buildings like in New York City that's not compatible with Tushy. So she had, like, she's had yeast infection.

She's a deal with a shit. And so she basically bought a house that's compatible with Tushy so she can have bidets. Is there a toilet that's not compatible with Tushy? There's like, sometimes there's single units when there's no tank and when the bowl and the tank are like one. small unit without the, you know how there's like the bowl where you flush the toilet, right? When there's no tank and it's like a little flat just to basically seat with like a little thing. I've never even seen that. Yeah, they're very, very modern and not like very few places have them.

And her, in the new building that she was living in happened to have those toilets. So she constantly had issues, UTIs issues. Now with them being a mom and all this shit, how'd your right time to fight a fucking write a book? I actually wrote this book. Like, I went through some crazy shit like over the last couple of years in business, just building a really big...

But on top of this business shit, you're like that fucking guy from Virgin Airlines. Like, you know, instead of jumping off a building, you go to fucking Burning Man and feed fucking people with tit milk. You know, who does that? Not even the Peace Corps does that. Not even the Peace Corps.

You know, you were featured. You don't waste liquid gold. You were featured as, now where was your child when you had this breast milk? Was he ever? No, our hero was eight weeks old and he was with Andrew's mother

for just, we were gone for like four days. And you just left a bunch of breast milk for him at the house. Yes, I pumped for literally three straight days. And then you went to Burning Man. Pumped there because you used to your breasts. I saw the pictures of you walking around with the pumper and people making cocktails. Tails are done.

Yeah, white Russians. You had some blind guy rubbing on his eyeball. They could see. I can see. Oh, shit. Well, they say never, it's actually liquid gold. It actually cures a lot. It's great for your gut.

It's great for your system. It's a hangover cure. If you want to build muscle a lot of people, drink that if you want to build muscle. I had to check that one. She was kind of when I was younger, and it freaked me out. She would squirt it or whatever the fuck. It's amazing.

I don't like that shit. It's amazing. I'll squirt in your face. don't squirt in my face. Oh my God. You gotta know, you're gonna squirt my face, but I'm a mad's mad. You know what am I at the Rock Hudson ball? What comes out of your nipples?

Nothing, fucking nothing. What comes out of yours? Did you know that when a baby sucks on a mother's nipple, the baby saliva sends a signal to the nipple, through the nipple to basically create the exact concoction of breast milk that the baby needs, deficient in whatever vitamins or issued minerals, the breast milk will, will like, literally, like a machine that we are like produce exactly what the baby needs and so when a baby's

drinking formula which by the way is important to do but like back when we were growing up like everyone was saying formulas way better than breast milk like don't do breast milk it was a whole thing but like formula is not that's not that's only three supplemental there was also other options I'm not options there were also other benefits of breastfeeding your child is a little bit more confident this is your child's a little bit more intelligent you're a little bit more intelligent Yeah. There was like three or four things that were, I asked my mother, do you breastfeed me? She goes, fuck yeah.

Yeah. You got a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other. You were sucking out smoke out of my teeth. I mean, I breastfed for 14 months straight. That was a big commitment to a lot. Yeah. Yeah. I think mercy breast milk for a long time too.

My wife gave us some breast milk. Well, I mean, so yeah, I mean, back to like, I wrote the book because I was just really, I mean, sort of frustrated with sort of the media world that we live in the clickbait headline bullshit takedown vibes that, you know, that we live in and the way society sort of is still so structured and so rigid and we're sort of told how to think, act, and behave when we can literally like, you know, like I love you because you're so free, but like most people can't speak the way you speak and in quotes get away with it societally, you know, like this is, you know, this is your world and that you created, which is amazing, but most

people don't feel the permission that they can do that. And like the really the sort of the the whole point of it is to say that, hey, like, you know, society was created by people, you know, people like you and me, but only like years past. And now of a sudden they dictate how we should act and behave. And even if it's inauthentically who we are, it's just so fucking weird. And, you know, also it's like, you know, really thinking about the fact that we really, from the point we graduate college, the point we die, there are only 21,000 days to live. That's it.

And like, if we're living those lives. in those days, 21,000 days, that's it on earth, like inauthentically because of way society should tell us how to think and act and be or stuff. Shut up, sit down, get, you know, get serious. Like, get your head out of the clouds. Like, sit down. Like, that's just sort of the way we've been kind of stifled

to be fully expressed. It's fucking ridiculous. At the age of 30, when I got locked up. No, you didn't. Yeah, for kidnapping. Oh, yes. So I got locked up, all that shit. I come out.

I work hard. You know, they won't let me back on the campus. And then finally I got a job. I fucking started as a laborer. And I contacted the company. And I took their estimating courses. So I just became the estimator of this company. And they gave me a truck and a cell phone.

And I'm like, you know, five, four, three years ago, I was in a hole. And here I am living in Boulder amongst these people, like living this facade. I was not happy at all, Jack. Her parents had money and insurance company, the whole thing. I had a kid with her, I was not happy at all. I made my confirmation at 30. I thought maybe the Holy Spirit was gonna help me.

Yeah. I joined classes at Noropa Institute, the Buddhist Institute in Boulder. I did the walking meditations. I did the talks. I didn't know what it was. Yeah, you were just living a life that wasn't yours. But it was the life that they told you.

Right. You work, you mow the lawn on Saturday, you go to your in-laws on Sunday, and that's it. And I'm like, so this is it till I'm 65. Yeah. And then they give you a watch. And they tell you, thank you for your years of service, which is all bullshit anyway. It's all of them. Because they've made millions of dollars on you.

That's it. That's what you're trying to tell me. And I got it to stand up and. July of 91, and the house wasn't right. Like, when you live in a house that the marriage isn't right, you can't force the funk. Yeah. When the last place you want to be is home, like I had two jobs. Whoa.

I went home at night just basically to sleep, eat breakfast, and leave. And I did that six days a week, so I didn't have to be home. And one day she came to me and she goes, I want to move her with my mother and get separated. and I was sad because of the baby but I was so happy because I could become a stand-up now like I didn't want to be a fucking roofer and I didn't have nothing against roofing

or nothing against insincentivating or nothing against anybody who does anything it just wasn't for me that was a horrible feeling when you have something and when you worked hard to be somebody and you're like that's why I don't

I'm not agreeing with listen man at 18 you have no idea what you want to do with your life yeah you really don't you just well I mean smoke up my ass for telling me because your cousin was a underwater biologist so you're blowing smoke at my ass telling me Uncle Joey I want to be a underwater biologist now comes your third semester you're like I don't even like fucking water I don't even like fucking going to the beach well now what do you do

I mean it starts even before that totally it starts even before that totally it starts even before that like there's this you know in my in my book I share the story of this guy named gordon mackenzie who's this amazing creative um designer for hallmark for 30 years and he's like a creative and he would go to these elementary schools to talk to children to basically seek inspiration from them and just because kids are like the most open vessels of creativity because they're not fucking full of piled on societal shame that they can still actually come up with interesting creative ideas so he would basically go to the elementary school and kids and just talk to them so he'd go to you'd go to you'd go to go to these kindergarten kids and he would be like, all right, who here is an artist?

Who here is an artist? And every single kid leapt out of their chairs and like, ooh, me, me, their hands waving, flying. All these kids are just freaking out being like, I'm an artist. Then he went to the first graders. Who here is as an artist? Half the kids raised their hands. Like very stable. Like not like, ah.

Like they were just like the then third, fourth, fifth graders. By the time I got a sixth grader, it was one person half raised darting eyes back. side to side, like feeling very uncomfortable that, you know, he or she was the only one who, you know, lifted up their hand to be an artist. And so just that study just showed that as we get, like, like, every single moment of, of our lives from the point we're born, we're sort of like hammered of like, shut up, be quiet, sit down, stop talking. This, this, this is how it should be. Like, you know, like, put your leg to get like this, that, you know, like, don't talk out of turn. Like, you know, don't make eye contact with strangers. And it just like nonstop. And so by the

time you're like past six grade you're already all the light and the shine and the effervescence and the artistry and the creative and the whoever you are is gone in a lot of ways unless you really focus personal reasons i refuse to go to a restaurant that i have to wait online yeah when you tell me i have to wait online i do not go to your restaurant like when i go to austin texas and they have people that wait online for you for eight dollars an hour i refuse that i don't want to do business with you Wow. I do not want to do. I don't think you're cool.

I do not think you're chic. I think you're a piece of shit. Because if I'm hungry, you're there to feed me. Not to be cool by having one guy cutting meat. Get four fucking motherfuckers in there making sandwiches. Yeah, I'm very against... When my mother died, my internal system broke down. And even though it's a shitty thing to happen,

it taught me a lot about life that you don't really have to pay attention. like I drove without a license for 10 years in L.A. Wow. People will pull me out without the license. Okay. And finally one cop gave me a ticket. I was forced to go in and I got the license and they said, well, what are you talking about?

You don't need a license. They said, give us $250 and you have to come back with a license or give us $4.25 and go enjoy your life. You know, when I fly, I get in the first class lane. Even if I'm not first class I don't give a fuck Because what are they going to do to you when you get there Make you stand in the other lane

You're there You're there So I was never really into fucking Rules When I was 10 I was given a decision by my mother It was very plain and simple It's like we could do this my way

Or we could do this your way I'm going to give you all the rope in the world That means you got up in the morning On your own You prepare your clothes. Your bed is made. You get your own breakfast. I will give you money to buy your own breakfast or I will get up and make it for you.

But when you come home, you have to vacuum. You have to clean your room. You have to earn your keep. In the 70s, you had to go to the water company and pay the bill. You had to go to the phone company and pay the bill. You had to go to the bank and pay the mortgage. I was in charge all those things. So that was my little side hustle

And she would leave me to fuck alone Once she died at 16 It's very rough for me Like when my mother died I got offered to move in with friends of mine I couldn't move in with them Because I had a curfew You can't go backwards now

Right I never had a curfew as long as the rule was As long as you call every hour on the hour So what'd you do That's what you do You call everybody But so what did you go I moved in with a friend of mine

That they had no curfew Okay right They had no curfew. I'd see him out all the time. They were in Italian family. Yeah, I mean, like, rules are important. Rules are important to a degree. To a degree, but then, like, when it's-

Personal rules that you apply. For yourself. Like, if you eat pineapple on pizza, I gotta stop talking to you. I know, I don't do that. If you put ranch on your wings, I can't hang out with you. I know, right.

If you go to Buffalo, they do with blue cheese. That's what it was meant to do. All of a sudden, now you want to do fucking rants? No, I believe in rules, for certain things. If you're Tunisian, make Tunisian pizza. Don't let me see you make an Italian pizza. I'm a little open now.

I'm a little open now. But I'm still. I'm excited. Listen, I love the challenge. I'll take it. I'll take it all. I'm just teasing. No, no, no.

Listen, I'm stoked. Seriously. No, please. I am so impressed with you as a person, as a woman, and, you know, just everything. That's why I wanted to have you on the show. Oh, my gosh. And I love your product. I love that you gave us an opportunity to work with you and we came through for you.

Yeah. Because I tell people you got to wash. Like, I'm that type of motherfucker on. I'm on a plane. I'll look at you and say, dog, this time I'll let you slide. The next time you've got to put fucking deodorant on it because you're insulting everybody. You know, Matthew McConaughey does not wear deodorant. You know, John, what's the other guy that's hanging out with the guy that's going broke?

fucking pirates of the Caribbean they don't wear a deodorant because they think it's cool I'm the type and then she worked with Kate Hudson and Kate Hudson brought him deodorant and he stopped talking to Kate Hudson

you know some people do shit in this town because they think it's chic or it's whatever I don't play that shit you gotta wash your ass three times a day it's in the Bible it's in the Koran any Bible any religious source cleanliness is next to godliness isn't that the truth

it's true it's the truth And they edited it out ass. Specifically. Yeah, specifically. Yeah, specifically, like over the years, the Corinthians took out ass. Like, Jesus walked all day. Can you imagine what Jesus' ass smelled like? You know, since the time I'm 15, I had a friend.

This is why I fell in love with your product. And this is the new fucking campaign for your product. Since I'm the age of 13, no, 15, me and Mike Runny, 16. We would sit on the corner, smoke pot, talk about what guys would talk about. But every 11 people, one of us would always pop that up and go, could you imagine what that person's assholes? Like, we do this for years, even now on the phone.

Wow. We'll be talking, watch the baseball game. And he'll go, can you imagine with that fucking Yams ass? Something else. Like something, something, something, you know. And we'll die on the phone. So this day, we still, a couple of, weeks ago I was watching the UFC fighting my wife was in the fucking liver room we had a babysitter

and I'm watching this girl McKenzie Derns got the best ass on M.M.A. She's a UFC fighter. Let me show you this girl. Okay yeah. She's jacked. She's no no not at all. She's just Brazilian California smile just really pretty but she's an MMA fighter. She's a UFC fighter and she's fighting and I'm not. Is it is that where you're really fighting or? Yeah. She's really fucking fight. That's so scary to me. I'm not, like I'm not, you know, I wasn't watching it to look at girls' asses. I'm killing time with the babysitter, and McKenzie Dern is fighting, and I see her throw the girl against the other fence, and McKenzie's her ass, Dern.

Her ass is just something tremendous. Look at her smile. She sent me a message to tell me she's going to kick my ass. Look at this girl's smile. She's a jih Tzu chick. Beautiful. She's Brazilian. Gorgeous.

All right. She's got the best ass in the business. And I am sitting there watching Facebook, and it keeps asking me what's on your mind? Because Facebook really asks you, what's on your mind if you look at it? And I wrote down, I wonder what McKenzie Dern's ass I was going to smell like after this fight. And like two days later, I was in every M.M.A. journal like Joey Diaz

they kicked me off of Facebook for a few days it was fucking hilarious and it got back to her and guess what she started doing putting up more ass videos because she's got the she put out a video

of her dancing two days after I said she had the best ass in the world she put out a video of her with tight yoga pants wiggling her ass like Shakira she's a fucking freaking half she's got a boyfriend

that's a Brazilian jiu jihitsu guy So no one fucks with him. They've told her that what I said, she fucking ate it up. She takes pictures showing her ass now. I love that shit. I love that shit. I love that shit. She's got a great ass too.

Does she? Yeah. Really? What are you going to do? Some women just have great asses. Yeah. You bend them over, you just sniff it. You just hold and sniff that motherfucker.

No, before Tushy, fuck it. Because I want to eat that monkey with that little Arab gyro smell to it. You know what I'm saying? When you open it up and you can hear the Arab in there, ah, me, ah, ah, like that namaste yoga pussy.

You ever eat some good yoga pussy after an hour and a half of that sweaty fucking yoga? That asshole's ripe. It's like a fucking goji berry. Fuck, it's Thanksgiving. Where can they find your book? Oh. Oh. Forget the Gordon McCormick story.

So good. After we smilf your assholes, it smells like goji berries. There's nowhere else to go with this show. On Amazon, it's called Disrupt Her. They can check it on Amazon. I love you. But I mean, this is more of a male audience, right? 90-10, but they don't give a fuck.

Okay, great. Yeah, okay, great. I put a lot of women on the show. Okay, cool. But they probably, the men who are listening probably care more about. They're assholes. Their assholes. Listen, they're home.

Yeah, hello, Tush. They're home listening to a podcast. That means they're single. That means there's a problem. That means a girl. suck your dick and caught her with listen when I was 21 I had a girl that would suck my dick swallowing and just keep sucking and then after like four swallows she'd go you came four times she was tremendous and one day were out in the bar drinking and she looked me in the face

she goes I love sucking your dick but you got a little wang to your asshole and we're still friends by the way we still talk just talked to her last week she was in Nashville she asked me where to eat chicken I sent to the hattie bees but she looked me in the face when I was 21 and she goes the assholes got a little wang to it. You got to take care of it. That changed my life after that. I doubled up on the asshole. I got the hand wash, the towel.

I got a little lufa. I have cut a little lufa that I just scrubbed my asshole with just to take out the dingleberries and the fucking malook. That's so good. You have to. I'm proud of you.

You have to. I'm actually like genuinely I hate washing my ass with Irish Spring and then stick in the towel and it still has wang of a fucking white castle. Like it don't smell like real ass. It smells like there was ass there. Then your ass ain't clean.

You know what I'm saying? How long did it take you until you invented this new special lufa? How old were you? I had to be about, I was on the road, and I didn't like sticking the water the towel. You know, like when you wash the towel, you have to always do it. You have to wash your face and then wash your ass.

Because what if you wash your ass and then wash your face? That's fucking disgusting. You got with like a little brown light spot. They think you're, They think you're part of the Cherokee Indian tribe or some shit. So you got to wash everything first. You got to wash everything first.

And then that would have to, you know how thick a fucking, a fucking wash towel is? That's thick. If you can stick a towel up your ass, like if you can stick like an inch and turn it around, you might as well go to a gay bar because you're halfway there. A fucking fit.

Look at this fucking salami finger. Now wrap an inch towel. So I'd be in the back room, finger banging, like washing my ass. I got a comedy show. I might get lucky, you never know. I'm never using those towels again. At the hotel, I love it. At a hotel, you wash up with the towel.

And at the end, how do you... You're not sticking in your asshole? Don't you use a fucking... Do you just bathe with soap? Don't you use a hand towel? Not really. You get beat up in prison. Like, if you use just to borrow soap in prison, they'll beat you.

Black people will beat you up. Why? Black people hate when you... take a shower without fucking a towel you have to have a towel wash your face first get your ears get your nose get your lips what do you do with that towel after and then you you wash you throw in the hamper and you hope your grandma don't catch the brown stain you know what saying you're like too old to be having brown stain well if you use a tissue there's no plant brown so then I came up with the lufa well he sticks it in there because I know that yeah you have to

stick it in a little bit just to get there because it's not you ever go out you ever wipe your ass and you leave the house and a half hour later you ass it's spying like your ass starts to burn a little bit and you're like something happened and you go back in the bathroom and you half wiped you still look out a little bit of shit that's happened to everybody don't be embarrassed where you go out like a half hour later your ass is spicy you're like something going on down there my ass is on fire and then you go down there and wipe and you're like fuck I didn't wipe right or you wiped correctly but there's always that after but you never wipe correctly if you're just using dry paper I'm just staying it's true you just you I know for a fact with Tushy I don't have no after after after after after foliage. But that's the thing. I think all of us go away. I don't get spicy ass. With a bidet.

Yeah, with the bidet, when it hits you, it takes away the spicy ass. That's the thing. The spicy ass is the little bit of shit that stays in the canal. But as you sit there, the fecal matter.

It's like McDonald's. I was telling this mama Luca lia. Every hamburger you buy has a little piece of fecal matter on it. When they did that movie about the meat, they found fecal matter on the burgers. Yeah, because none of them are washing. their hands and they're wiping their asses with the toilet paper.

You should install them in restaurants. I know. We're trying, working on it. People are still weird out by the fish. You have to wash your hands and your ass before. Like people would way, super down. People are super, you know exactly, like your hands and your ass. Don't let me ask you this.

No. People like people in people's homes. Yeah. You have a trice in gay publications. I would think, you know, I think this would be huge in the gay community. Oh no. I have a whole campaign, which I really, it was called Be a Better Bottom. Oh my god.

Like, you know, because like the... No, that's too boss. See, that's what you can lose me. No, no, we gotta give it an... Okay, okay, okay, okay. No, bottom means you get... You have sex... Be a better bottom, as in like, you're the bottom.

No, no, no, no, no. Like, because, like, you know, there's a top. Anybody can be a better bottom. It's all about the tightness of the asshole in the clinic. And the whole... You know, in the 70s, they would stick their fingers up their ass. And you would sniff their finger.

It was called the gay salute at that gay club. A lot of people don't know that. They would stick their fingers up their ass. That was like a sample. You got like a sample of ass. Like we're dancing together. And you're being hot together, rubbing dicks.

And all of a sudden, I would stick my finger up my ass first and give you a sample of the muffler. It's like when you go to the supermarket, they give you a piece of salami. Same thing. You just smell my ass. And then you dance and rub, stick a finger up your ass and maybe scratch your balls with your ins and put it both to me. And I get ass and ball at the same time.

And then I get aroused. I don't know. Remember the seven days? This is true. This is true. Swear. I swear to God. I need to see articles.

At that bar, when I was a kid at Ram Rives. No one's going to write that down. No one's going to write that down. Nobody's going to fucking say they stuck their finger up to ass and let somebody else smell it. It's disgusting. People usually stick their finger up their own ass and give it a sniff. But nobody's going to tell you I get turned on. But I know women who get turned down when you don't take a shout.

Like when you have armpit smell. They want that animal. old thing. So think about it. There's a guy out there that before he fucks you in the ass, he wants you to stick your own finger like sucking. I can see a guy going, I love you. You're so hot, you know, the motorcycle suit. I want you to stick your finger in your ass and let me smell it. And you're like, I've never done that before. I don't get a fuck. Who's your new daddy and shit? Well, you know, I'm all about experimentation. I really am. I don't know, I don't know about that particular one, but I definitely, you know, all about experimentation.

Well, that's a complete different podcast. Right, right. That's a completely different podcast. Just not that. I love you, Mickey. I'm happy you came out. Thanks, Joey. I'm happy to bring you on to promote Tushy.

I wanted to bring you on so they could see who you were and what you were about. That you're a real person. You're a fun woman. You have no fucking boundaries whatsoever. Tell them what you did for the party for your wedding. And I, I, I, I, okay tell it

fuck it it happened people went they got witnesses yeah great see now I'm hungry for the chocolate yeah great

I had we had a three day love festival what is this is this is real chocolate organic with gluten free

or something goat milk tell me the truth so we had I have a little it's pretty good right my bad

is a lot of Trader Joe's now I'll I know, right? Well, so we did a three-day love festival, and on the Saturday night, the night we got married, we had a celebration where at like around 11.30 at night,

right before the dance party, you know, there was an offering of psychedelics or party favors, edible, stuff like that, just to kind of get the party going. What the in-laws think? They were in bed. They were gone by that. For sure.

I mean, like, most of my friends, you know, a Bernie man, you know, like we love, you know, like expanding our perspectives like you guys are right now. What's your husband do for a living? He's an entrepreneur as well. He started a company called Tribute, which is, imagine if you wake up on your birthday and you open your computer and you get an email and then you press play on this email. And it's a video of every one of your friends and family telling you why they love you and how you've been making their life. And so what you create is a really cool platform that collects videos and compiles them into a simple montage.

So, like, collect videos from multiple sources. You can create, like. So he would call me and say, put a video up for Kiwi. It's a birthday. Yes. See, we watched that monkey. No, it would be, like, all of her friends and your family friends coming together. Because otherwise, like, it's a great service.

Yeah, because otherwise, like, you have to collect. Like, hey, text me in the video. Hey, oh, you texted the wrong way. Oh, it's pixelated. Oh, it's drop-off. No, no, no, he's half, he's half-Jewish. White, white boy. Really?

From Hawaii, Warren Raisin in Maui. Yeah, but he's like, he's got flavor, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. He's got flavor. Yeah. So, what are you offering for the holidays for how old Tushy? Oh, yeah.

We have a, a code, which is, what was the code again? Hold on. Muffler. Muffler. Yeah, the code. Because what's a muffler, Joey? An asshole. That's right.

That's a different way of saying. It's diplomatic. Honey, go wash your muffler. We're having a party. So, yeah. Use code muffler for, I think it's like 15% off. Okay, whatever you want. Yeah, whatever.

Whatever. Whatever you want. I love you. You're always welcome. Oh, my God. I think you're a fucking fascinating woman. I love it. I wish I could raise my daughter to be like you.

Oh my gosh. She'll be my intern. You have a great sense of humor. I mean, I still remember talking to you about the product and telling you what I wanted to do. I'm dying to do that. We're doing it. And I'm like, it's just craziness how most people would shut you down. I believe that the internet is going into an R-rated world.

Yeah, it is. We need to be there. I think that commercials are going to be a little. push the hand a little bit more. Yeah. I think that they can, you know, push the handle a little bit more, something. Mm-hmm.

And that's what we wanted to do, but you know, the thing called SAG and the union and their, uh, they would have fun, I mean, we're waiting.

You tell us when. Listen, man, I'm doing a voiceover. That's what just called me. Before the thing. They've been going through hell. This was supposed to shoot. This is supposed to shoot

October 29th. What's the thing? his day. Wow. Waiting on sack paperwork. Oh, my God. Every day is like nightmare. You don't know what's going on.

I'm not a union guy. I don't involve. I just want to shoot movies. Yeah. Whatever the fuck you got. And you had to join the union? Yeah, after the second time, you got to join the union. Like, he could do whatever the fuck you want. You could shoot him getting a fucking dick up his ass. And nobody gives the fuck because he's not union.

They'll let you do the first one for free. and the second one for free. So you could shoot a sad commercial with Lee. The first one is free. The first series would be free. The next time he gets a job, before he steps on that fucking set, he better pay $2.

Unless it's a non-union. Unless it's a non-union commercial. Yeah. I can't do non-union because I'll get fined. Oh, wow. Like if you, we shot a nine-union commercial, but you showed it in Tunisia. Brand it would work.

Got it. We shot a commercial and we shot it in Japan and we aired it in Japan. It would work. Here, you get a call within a fucking year and they won't call you. They'll send you a bill. Wow. And that bill will be extraordinary. Like you'll look at it and go, what fuck just happened?

You know, I had a problem with SAG 15 years ago over a firing. I got fired, but I did work two days. And I wanted to get paid for those two days. I was looking for $1,160. Do you know a year later, the guy called me, and he goes, I had no beef with you. He goes, I just want to release the movie, and the sag won't let me. Because they find me $28,000.

Jesus. I said, so if you give me $12, so I go, just put the 12 in my account, or whatever the fuck to something was, $2,200. I don't know what it was. I'll sign the paperwork and you can release your movie. Wow. SAG had added so many penalties on $2,400. Yeah, it was $2,400 for the week.

Then it was like $28,000. That's nuts. Years ago, years ago. Which is worth like $100,000. Years ago, I got a letter that I owed child support of my daughter in Colorado. And I called California. They go, yeah, you owe $60,000. I go, how do you owe $60,000?

I've been paying $6,000. Since Jesus left fucking Chicago How the fuck do I have was $60,000? Yeah, maybe I said $600 one month Maybe the agreement one year She said I didn't get the check At first my ex-wife tried to rob me My wife's an accountant

So she went to the place where I bought all the money orders And did the math and then we took it down And then we called then it was over She was over 18 I got a bill one day From LA saying I owed $60,000 I go how do I was? $50,000. I called LA. They said, yeah, got to pay $62,000. I called an attorney. He said, bring me $5,000, and I'll get it down for you. My wife said, hold on, let's call Colorado.

You know how much I owed? $140,000. $140,000. No. And California had taxed on all that additional tax on their own. Because my wife, the dummy that she was, filed in California at the end just to cover her ass. I was paying child support. Why would you do something like that? So how did you fix it?

I just paid Colorado a check and it went away. Oh, $140. Colorado said, send the money tomorrow. So as you send it tomorrow. For years, I was getting checks from SAG with money getting taken out. For years. So now SAG got to pay me.

So all of a sudden, I sort of getting $3,400 from everybody. Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you, bitch. So my wife called everybody. She's an accountant. and everybody sent us back on money. Oh, yeah.

It's a wild system. If you don't cover your ass, you know that right now, today, I could walk into SAG after building into lost checks right now, but I'm so lazy, I haven't done it. I used to do it every year. I'll walk into SAG after, and I guarantee there's 20 checks for me.

They know where I live, they know where to build me, they know where to send my residuals, but if the director sends a check from a long time ago or something, they'll send it to the wrong address. Right. I'll have to go down there, and I guarantee. I'll go down there in a week just to prove you got,

and I'll come back with $3,000 in checks that they haven't sent me because they sent it to the wrong address. So go do that. But even though they send me bills. Because remember, SAG sends you a quarterly bill, and then they send you a yearly. we want a percent and a half or your take. They're like

the mob. So after you pay the dues, January 1st, you get another one. Before you get that fucking card, you got to pay a percent and a half or whatever you made that year. And then they want $21,000 to get insurance. How many dicks you got to suck?

To get $21,000,000 at a thousand of a co-star? That's 21 Harvey Weinstein Dix. And then they don't pay that for co-star no more. No co-stars make that no more. Co-stars are making like 800, 750. Wow. To get number one insurance, it's $33,000 you have to make. You know how this is $30,000 in the union? Yeah, Brad Pitt makes it in one fucking movie. Yeah. And Brad Pitt don't even use that insurance, but the working waitresses and stuff like that. So if you

don't get that $300,000, like that $31,000 or $33,000, they penalized you for the insurance. Like, I'm good. because I'm vested. Fuck them. I was in there for 10 years, and you have to work steady and get maintained number two, and then you get level two for life. So now any time I work,

it's because then they'll give me vision. They give me mental health, and they give me acupuncture. I get acupuncture on my plan, so what do I give a fuck? Wow. I get one acupuncture a month, I get two. That's great.

I love that. Who gives a fuck. We're all going to die. sticking a needle in my ass to see what happens just one little Japanese needle Chinese little you're gonna do it yourself yeah but do it myself I can't fucking what we want to take me you can pay a chiroprice in like a 20 dollars in any acupunctures you pay him an extra 20 and they'll just tell you you sure yeah sure I want to feel what an acupuncture you don't feel like in my ass these people do anything for

lately there's an acupuncture treatment for ED but they don't put it in in there do they? No, they don't put it in your dick. The needles for erectile dysfunction and to raise testosterone, it's a painful process because you have to do acupuncture through your feet. But I had a lady, my lady, I was with her for 12 years

by acupunctures, but then she moved to Marina D'A. It's too much, so now I'd you go up here. But me and her got pretty personal. After years, I would ask her what ailments people were coming for. She told me once, she goes, a Cuban guy came in here one time. They wanted to get his dick hard.

It took three weeks for me to give him needles. She goes, do you know he came back two weeks later and said undo it? Because I was getting too many hard-ons. Like the Chinese people don't fuck around. They have a thing. If you go into a Chinese pharmacy, like a real traditional, they have this black stuff. It's called bacla or something that's a thin, it's like eating like thin rock. Wow.

Like a thin geographic or black ash. And that's good. Like charcoal. They'll tell you right at the thing. Go for the wang. Chinese people, they got a wang till they're fucking. Even in Japan, Okinawa is where people lived to oldest. I think they just switched it.

Something else became. Okinawa had them beat. You live to 100. It's the oldest place where you live in the country because you eat fresh meats. Yeah, okay now, yeah. The blue zone. And you can't just move there. You have to get a recommendation to move to Okinaw.

You just can't move to Okinawanao. Right. And I watched the show once about bodybuilding. in Okinawa, how big it is for men. They have a 65 to 75-year-old league and a 75-year-old league. And they were asking women that age. Like, do you date these guys?

And I'm like, oh, fuck yeah. We date them. I got like two boyfriends. We have sex and shit like that. So I don't know how we got in this conversation. This all started with Hello Tushy. I love you. Thank you very much for coming on.

Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving to you too. And if you want a nice, fucking portable bidet. The best in the business. Stop walking around with your ass dirty, all right? There's no reason to walk around with a sniffy ass, a smelly ass. You want

more confidence. When you take your dick out, you want to go, you know what, I'm free. I want to know that she licks my nuts. She's not going to get fucking a whiff of this fucking dirty muffler. This does not have to exist anymore. Right now, go to hellothushy.com. Right now. They have an array of different

portable bidet starting at 6,000. And then use code muffler. And they use code muffler, you get 15% of it. And you have a 60 day guarantee? Yeah. 60 day guarantee, you're not going to need it. Because if Lee and my fucking asshole wash, you haven't tapped out, yours isn't going to be, this is 300 pounds plus odors.

Because that water sprinkler at one time, he's got to say, I can't take this no more. What's coming out of his ass is like what they shoot at those little kids over there in Turkey. What's that fucking thing? Gizbo when the kid was sitting there with the ash on his head. Oh. I think you're talking about Iran or something? I don't fucking know. I don't know my history like this poor lady.

So go to hellotushy.com and buy your favorite relative. It's Thanksgiving. It's Christmas. We call it Brown Friday. Yeah, Brown Friday. What else you got on sale on Brown Friday? Brown Friday. All of our, everything is on sale on our website.

Make sure you go to Hello Tushy. And we have Fiber Monday as well. And Fibre Monday, but fuck Fiber Monday. Brown Friday is the day. You know what I'm saying? A.k.a. Black Friday, aka Jew Day. That's how we call it.

Real Jew day. How do you learn to negotiate? You don't even need to be a Jew. When I was a kid, you would go down to Delancey Street. You know what Delancey Street is? You know, in New York City. Yeah, of course. You couldn't go on that blog.

You had to argue for hours. You would just go down to practice, negotiation skills. And then you go to China. The Chinatown, see the Chinese and the Yiddish believe that if you walk in their store first, they have to do business with you. So you go in there and rip their hearts out and shit. You know what I'm saying?

How much of my mom? What's the sneakers? But it's like the first one, a first purchase is like a lucky. Yeah, it's like the rest of the day. So we would go to Chinatown. They got into the Converse business. We would torment the Chinese people.

$9. Too long. Too low. $12.99. Huh? You know, you go high. I go low. Oh, we would torment them.

$10, $9. I get them down the corner, all right. I get it out of course. It's just a game. It's a sport. It's a sport. I know. I feel the same way about like negotiating, like, terms with my suppliers.

What you said when he went to Israel, they're the best. Say a quarter. Israel and the Arabs are fucking. Indians are pretty good too. Yeah, they'll say you're fucking, my friend. Yeah, my friend. You're like, what the fuck? I don't even know you.

Whatever. Hey, hello. Tushy.com. Thank you very much. I love you. I love you too. Yay. All right.

I want to thank Mickey for a great conversation. She's fucking nuts. I love it at that. You know, I've been pushing her product for about two years now. And one day she sent me an email

and I saw all the things that she did and I can tell she's a pretty fucking amazing broad. So what the fuck? Let's have her on the podcast. And let's have some fun. So support her over at hellotushy.com. Any bidet, they started $69.

They come in all day. different colors. Let me tell you something. There's nothing better than having a clean asshole over the holidays. This podcast is also brought to you by ridge wallet.com. Okay, the ridge, like I said, is a minimalist front pocket wallet that helps you reevaluate your everyday carry. All right, your old wallet, you got a bunch of pictures and a bunch of bullshit. You carry an amount for a month and years. Well, you really need all these fucking pictures for what? You know, talk about, oh, you know how much shit there is in your wallet that? you don't need. You ever look at your wallet, spent gift cards, fucking hotel room receipts,

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give a quick shout out to my family over that on it doing a black friday sale that starts you're ready for this on thanksgiving november 22nd it's the biggest sale of the year you're going to get 25% on supplements 18% of fitness including star wars and marvel all you guys are the marvel crazy people over kettle bells, this is your fucking chance. 20% off foods, 50% off DVDs and books, and 30% off apparel and personal care. In addition, they're going to have price cuts, and they're going to have awesomeness.

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Miki, Aguwa, whatever the fucking name is. I love it of the debt that don't matter. I want to thank you guys. I want to thank Lee. I want to thank myself. But most importantly, I want to wish you guys

all a happy Thanksgiving with your families. And I hope that you're safe and you enjoy yourself from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate you guys for what you've done for me if it's not

the fucking C-Sysos special. It's a new special out on Netflix. I appreciate all the applause and everything that you guys and all the love that you've shown me on that. So have a great weekend. Have a great holiday. I'll be back here Monday,

Tip Top, Magoo. Listen, I got shows, but I got no tickets left. The only tickets you got left are in La Jolla in the Comedy Store, December 6th, I got the Bakersfield Tumblr. Temple Brewing Company.

Temple Brewing Company. December 12th, and that's it the rest of the year, guys. It's all over. I got Oxnard at the end of December, we'll get to that. Let's worry about Thanksgiving. Let's have a great Thanksgiving. I love you guys. See you Monday morning, tip-top, Magoo.

Ready to fucking rock. Kick this fucking meal.