The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #638 - Anthony Cumia

Episode Date: November 27, 2018

Anthony Cumia, broadcaster, founder of Compound Media and author of his new book, "Permanently Suspended," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: 23andme.com - 23andMe is a DNA testing service that can offer you insights on to how your DNA can influence your weight, sleep quality and much more. Order your 23andMe health and ancestry kit at 23andMe.com/church before December 25th for a special discount.    Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 11/26/2018.
  

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The 27th of November. It's almost over, motherfucker. You got like, I don't know, I don't know how many days till Christmas. I don't know how many days to Hanukkah. Just live your life, motherfuckers. Here you go. Kicking it, the church of what's happening now.

Oh, shit. The man. Anthony Coomier is in the motherfucker. The Christ killer, Lee Syatt, direct from Israel. Throwing bombs to Palestinians. shit. This is what Peter Gabriel looked good.

Have you seen him lately? I haven't seen him last. He looks like I got hit by 10 trains. That code from the 80s and 70s. That shit will fuck you up. Still catching up to people. Yeah. Finally.

Finally. Finally. How are you, sir? Really good, man. Real pleasure. I'm honored to see you again. It's been a long fucking time. It has been, man.

Last time I was on the show with you. and everybody was 2005. When you had the black karate dude who wouldn't fucking stop bothering me for 10 years. He wanted to be my bodyguard. I did one movie. The guy called me every week. You know, I'm a karate bodyguard.

Every week, he called me. Every week, 2-1-2. What is it? I'm a bodyguard. I'm a bad. Listen, I don't know. I'm small potatoes. It's Mr. Poe.

Master Poe. Out of his fucking mind. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Out of his fucking mind. He was crazy, man. Well, people don't know. The 70s was a fucked up.

time in early New York. The Mont Luther King people, see, once Martin Luther King died, they needed somewhere to go. So they turned to Bruce Lee. Black people turned to Bruce Lee after them. And once he died, they were fucked. They were fucked. They were fucking.

They were walking around with Chinese shoes. I don't remember that shit when you see black people in Chinatown. You're like, what the fuck you do? You're doing spare ribs, that sucker. I thought you were Abdullah's nephew. You're eating spare ribs like there's a spankle on him. Holy. There's still some black dudes that I know a dude right now.

He's Kung Fu School. He thinks he's Chinese. I don't fuck with him. He's black, but he thinks he's Chinese. I work with it. You know what I'm saying? He gives me a lesson. He teaches me how to karate chop people from time to time and the neck.

That's okay. That is so goddamn funny. Like black dudes are known for kind of coming up with their own shit. Because you see it all the time. One of the best jujitsu, one of the best judo guys of all time was a special style. It was a guy at a Harley. a big, thick Kentucky fried chicken

eating motherfucker yoop, you know, like 280, that would just throw people across rooms. In fact, he had disciples and one of them had a school here. I don't know what the name of the art is. I'm not fucking around. I'm not trying to insult anybody. Rogan will tell you about him. He was a sick

black dude that was just, you know, straight out of fucking the South and he learned judo at an early age with that fucking, you know, strength of death. And he was just body slamming people up in Harlem. I forget what his name was. And they really, there's some brothers.

When I got locked up in prison, there were twins, two black twins. I thought they were Chinese, kung fu dudes. They were stretching every day. Knocking people out, doing fucking dragons and shit. Whatever. I'm in. I'm in. I'm good.

As long as you're good, they ain't getting shot. You know what I'm saying? They make believe they're Chinese. They ain't nobody shooting them. That's all they do now. All you wake up is to another poor black guy. got shot. This guy was in the Army. Every fucking day. Last

week it was the poor door guy. Yeah, yeah. The security guy. They shot him in the head, the poor guy. Yeah, they shot some guy in a mall, I guess. They thought he was the, uh, they thought he was the bad guy. Any day now, if you're black, you got a snap. I'm white and I'm ready to fuck the snap. Because every day, you're going to shoot a different, you're going to cause a fucking war. Yeah, yeah. You're going to cause a war. You can't say

this is all accidents. These are not all fucking accidents. These people, they put them out there, they never dealt with that. They have a hard time dealing with white people. They see a black person. They shoot a Mexican, God forbid. And they don't, right? They don't shoot Mexicans. No, I don't see that many Cubans. They send them to a different

country. They deport them now. Do they deport them? I mean, yeah, they've been going around. I threw a bunch of stink bombs out of the border. There's some stink bombs. They closed the border. There were people climbing over the top. What the fuck is going on? It's madness. It's fucking crazy. We're losing our collective minds.

It's snowing. These dumb fucks are stuck at the airport. I love those dumb fucks when I see him stuck in Chicago. Chicago's a disaster. It's a disaster. Especially the one. The one after October, you take your life in your own hands. Every year, Blaine goes to the back fucking dog.

It's like Major League 2 when the guy goes to the fucking back. Every year, not O'Hara, but the other one. Midway? Midway. Every year. Midway. Sub-January, one of those software. flights with medial contraction.

You know what I'm saying? They was going to the drink, yeah. They don't give a fuck Southwest. They'll go into a banister and give you a free ticket. You don't know nothing. Me, I don't get up for hours. I just sit there until a Jew attorney shows up. I don't know nothing.

I don't know nothing. I love when they try to get you like, I don't worry about that. We'll give you a free pass on the plane. You're so shocked them. What path? I drop. I'm like that Chinese guy from United. Yeah, yeah.

You've never heard from that guy again. No. Nothing. And I'm sure he got paid very well. Oh, he bought off TMZ. Yeah. He bought off everybody. He's the guy that was in the cave with those 12 kids in Thailand.

He had him. He was down the cave. He was ready to pay cash with those little fucking toys. If you're willing to embarrass yourself like that on a plane, you could make some good cash. Because their whole thing is they're going to drag you off of that. Oh, with a fucking camera. No more. Yeah, yeah.

Blood coming down your face. If you got to bleed, you'd be like a professional wrestler. Cut yourself with a blade and it just come out bleeding. I'm coming for you, America. American Airlines. You're sitting on a gold mine. Yeah, yeah. Remember in the 70s?

They did a 20-20, a hundred of the rest of those cut themselves with the razor blade, how they put in a piece of tape, and they would cut themselves. And they'd cut themselves. God forbid on a land, and you cut yourself, and somebody puts it on camera. That's it. Now you're bleeding, and they're dragging you off a plane. Oh, on World News Tonight with David Visser. Oh.

You get paid. Why buy mega millions when there's that opportunity out there? You're getting huge paid. You're getting paid. You're getting paid. But you've got to be willing to put yourself through that kind of degradation. Oh, and I will. You don't think I will?

We do that on our regular life for nothing. We're taking this to court. I've done that my whole life for no pet. Dog, let me tell you something. The one thing they teach is the criminal number one is don't take that deal. Don't take that deal. Take that deal. That's the best deal of your life.

Yeah? Tell them no. I kept telling them no. No, no, no. They offered me nine years. Nine years are the felony and a fucking violent. And that was a good deal? It was a violent.

It was good. My attorney was like, it's a good deal. He was a black dude. That was his grandmother was the first black graduate from the law school in Boulder. So he just hopped and played along and they did whatever fuck they did. So he comes to me one day, he goes, they want to give you nine years for kidnapping. Kidnapping two, which means that it would have done all for nine years. What I did was bade it out.

Whenever you get in trouble, you bade it out. The victim disappears. The victim, He couldn't go up in front of it because the victim had gotten a DUI, and then when he went to the hospital, he broke out and he robbed the pharmacy at the hospital, and he stole the liquid cocaine. So his credibility was gun. He had nothing.

I could have held out in front of him for fucking years. So what my plan was to get a, since there was two fucking people, they hit him with a public defender, the other biker, and they hit me with a court-appointed attorney because there's conflict of interest. That's why you wait for him. Me and you get arrested. I waitfully to get the public defender first. And then they got to give you a different one.

And they got to give me a good one at 200 an hour. You know what I'm saying? That's the smart move. A lot of people don't know that move. That's the smart move. If you get caught in a triangle, always wait for them to get the public defender. You're holding off. You're waiting for the Iranian.

This is educational. And just hold them off. The Iranian. Who's the... Is this on PBS right now? This is an amazing... Keep the cop would be there shaking it down. Who is the Iranian?

The Iranian. He's going to call you. Who is the Iranian? So by the time they put you back in the jail cell, he gets a public defender. Now that means I got to go up in front of the judge, and they got to give me a real fucking attorney for 200 an hour, which I'm never going to pay.

The state pays for. I take that dumb fuck, and I wear him off for a few months, right? And then I fire him. Then the judge gives me another 30 days to come up with a fucking attorney. That's exactly what I did. So I played Blackula for about fucking,

90 days till he came back when the, because he, I got arrested November 18th. So my shit went through the holidays.

Right. I was sitting fucking court to like the 22nd I sat in county to my bail dropped. So I was already playing them like a fiddle. They'd come to me,

the DEA came to me a bunch of them. I got information, but get me out. You know, I got tons. I know who shot Kennedy. I got it out. I got it off.

You just got to get me out of me. Oh yeah, just get me out. And then nobody got me out. But my, The bail dropped to $3,000 cash. Boom, I got out. And then I played the game with the attorney for two months.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Until hit me with the 99-year thing. I told him to, I fired him. That took another two weeks in court. The victim's snorting coke somewhere in Tucson. He's missing. You follow me? So I'm just stalling for time.

Right. And then I had the money. So now I got 30 or 60 days to get a new attorney. I knew who I wanted. But I didn't pay him. I just kept talking to him, stalling. So what do you think? What can we do? Boom, boom, boom, boom. And then I dropped it on him. I dropped the deposit. He went to work on him and he switched to fucking violent to nonviolent.

He hired a private investigator looking to my past. There was no violence. So they switched that this guy was that badass, which in turn is why I'm here talking to you. If not, I'd be in a prison with a dress on right now doing the midnight show. Wow, damn. So you don't have to know how to play the court system. That is some goddamn story. The attorneys, you could always get a great attorney to buy time. A great attorney, especially in New York, could buy time. I'm sitting across from Keith the cop who was a real, he was a real cop, and he was a real dedicated, and he knows. He's not stupid. I grew up as the interpreter. See, I grew up in a Cuban house that they did numbers, so I was always the interpreter. So my parents spoke English until the cops came, and nobody

B'iabos. No ablo. Spanish people know ablo nothing. Nothing. Right. Not. No say.

No say. Even a little Mexican lady and man on fire. Remember? No se. No se. La nina. What nina?

No se. Spanish people don't know nothing. So even when we went to the attorney, my mother's still playing. Like, I don't know nothing. So we had this attorney called Sam DeLuca. In Jersey City, look him up. He's a fucking savage.

He's probably. cutting deals on people from the grave. The last time I Googled him, he was representing the fucking Mondino brothers or something in like a fucking fire case. He was bad to the bone. You always had to show up with suits. You had to bring two or three suits, and

I was always the interpreter. And he would have just you come into his office, Keith the cop. He would just say, how you doing? Keep the cop. He'd been charged with two accounts of bookmaking and one of money laundering. Here's the deal. I know the DA's brother on the case. For 200,000,

I'll get you six month probation. Oh, jeez. For 150,000, I'll get you three months in jail and nine months probation. 400,000, you know, and he would just give you a fucking menu. Okay. Let me know what you want to do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had a week or two to decide what figure you were going to pick. Once you gave him his 200,000, he stalled it. The cops forgot where they put the tickets. The evidence got stolen. It was a fucking scam.

But what happened? Well, I thought it was supposed to be justice. It's supposed to be. justice. I don't. But, you know, it's like I'm watching narcos and they're showing you this Mexican government that's so corrupt. Jesus Christ, I lived in a government in New York City, which the cops will call you and tell you, listen, we're going to bust you today. You know, just have a little bit of cash. I have a couple calculators. That's it. Yeah, yeah. They showed up, they arrested you, they put an encose on you. And what a coincidence that in New York City,

bookmaking used to be a misdemeanor. It's a felony over the fucking bridge. Wow. Isn't that amazing? Bookmaking is a misdemeanor in New York City. You got arrested for a bookmaking? You got a ticket. Yeah, yeah.

And if the cops take a thousand from me, you meet them at the bar and they give you 500 back, and everybody's happy. They make the papers, you make the papers, everybody's happy, you know what I'm saying? You make the police blotter. They make the arrest. It's a fucking system.

Yeah. I don't know. Is it still like that in, I don't know about New York. I think it's, I think they've really had to clean up their act. I couldn't imagine getting in trouble like a place here. Yeah.

A place here, everybody's straight laced, but everybody wants a mazzerati. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Everybody wants a fucking BMWs. Right. You can make things happen.

But I think if you have money, you can basically in any part of the country. You get the best attorney. If you watch the OJ versus show, as, the show is a great show. But what you learn is, if you have enough money,

and you hire three great attorneys. They'll eat you up alive. Yeah. And you put, like, it's like a great basketball team. And I'm not being racist team. I'm just saying the truth. Five black guys, you go crazy.

That's why the Celtics always wanted that had Bob Cousy to slow the pace down. You get four fucking savages and one little Jew to run the show. We're going to get a not guilty plea. You know what I'm saying? All those years of Celtics were great. Yeah, they had Bill Ross.

and this guy and that guy but there was that little white dude running the show to calm everybody down brother calm down you know what I'm saying brother's gonna be all right he didn't mean nothing by it oh shit yeah I think that the OJ thing did kind of show that wow the money the money really does work in this Dallas Cowboys against a high school instance it's like me putting the Dallas Cowboys against a high school team yeah yeah I get three high-powered attorneys I got 10 million I can do whatever the fuck I want you know what I'm saying like yeah Yeah, yeah.

Three million deep, you're rolling. If that was Tyrone Simpson and he was up for murder and his white wife and her buddy, this wouldn't even have been. They would electrocuted them at the jail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That wouldn't even have been an issue. But OJ, OJ, my favorite of that whole trial was the verdict at the end when they acquitted him. And Kardashian, Robert Kardashian is standing next to him.

The whole lawyer is. They got OJ there and the jury says, we find the defendant, Arnthold James Simpson, Simpson, not guilty. And Kardashian, Robert Kardashian, looks down, and you see him on the video, looks down, he looks over, and you could read his face going,

but he's fucking guilty. But he did this. And it just goes to show you what a high-powered, expensive team of lawyers can do, because that motherfucker was so guilty. What a sloppy murder.

You ever watch forensic files? It's amazing. These people try to murder someone and not get caught. They do things. And forensic, they find little fibers and everything. O.J. just went there.

Stabs him, slits there, throw blood everywhere, sloppy mess, walks away, leaves footprint. And they don't get them. They can't get them on it. It was the sloppiest murder ever.

They missed two key pieces of elements. They missed fingerprints on the gate it started raining that night on his gate or a lot of people don't know it's raining that night it's raining in LA like it was like there was like a light drizzle and they could only get a partial print and there was some other blood you know but they fucking flipped it around they played the race they made it a race thing yeah yeah they just you know they just did beautiful stuff that guy Barry shecht did great work that TNA guy yeah he's tremendous that's a guy you're sure man that's a guy you

show. Amazing. When things get damned. He's the guy. He went into business after that. I guess he's still in business of exonerating people that have been in prison based on DNA evidence. So he made a whole career out of doing that.

You walk into his office. It's 200 Gs. Oh, yeah. Like just to walk in his office, think about it. It's 250 Gs just to talk to him for an hour. Imagine. To let you know what he thinks. Like that's the type of, like you got to dig the trench in the back.

You got to dig up grandma as much. you know what is it going to take from me not that and he'll break it down for you yeah yeah what's it going to take yeah it's all about the course you're going to get three investigators i guess that's not the way it was supposed to be it was supposed to be like regardless of your wealth or lack of it you're supposed to be able to get a fair shake uh but you know you're never going to be able to hire those high power guys and i don't even think it's the high power guy it's who they know and who they've paid and and you can have a genius lawyer that knows all the the law, but he's got no connections, so you're going to get fucked.

Listen, man, I did time, and I have tons of conversations along the way. You know, we sit around and we goof and we have a good time, but those people don't stand the chance. Keep the cop, you know it. You know, if a white kid gets arrested for possession and a black kid gets arrested for possession, and he's from a fucking social economic fucking hellhole. He has no money for an attorney. He gets a public defender who has a caseload of 190 people

who doesn't even know the kid's name. He doesn't even know the kid's case. He gets to court that morning and he reads the docket. That's the truth. I've spoken to those. Oh, absolutely, yeah. And what it feels like to have an attorney and to go, wow, I'm still doing time, but I could have done 19 years instead of four.

Yeah. You follow me? That's a big difference. That's a good attorney. Somebody who looks at you and says, listen, like I went and met with a law professor at the University of Colorado in Boulder. He was a Spanish student.

He was referred to me by Sam DeLuca. Because when I came out, I knew my plan already. I had grown up in that world, so I knew the stall. I knew the stall method of fucking stalling the whole system. You know, it's really funny. I was telling somebody the story the other day. I got arrested in November of 87.

But in July of 85, I moved back to Boulder. Before I moved back to Boulder, this is just to let you people know the level of corruption that there is in this country. In 1985, there was a bank, and when they made a bank a card for Anthony Coomere, they made two cards. One went to the bank,

and one went to a guy named, Lee up in the Bronx. Shit. And when you'd call your account in, that guy found out who it was. And they did that all the time. And it was a huge thing in New York at the time. You remember Keith the cop?

If it was under $50, I didn't have to call it in. Under $50? Yeah. So if we go to a Chinese restaurant, they spend 21 for lunch, they would just put the card on a thing and roll it and give it to you and sign. Nobody's going to look through a book of stolen cars

that the letters of this fucking big. Yeah, back in the old days, that's what they would do. They made it hard for you to know. Like, even if you look suspicious, even if you had the ID for the guy on the card, there was one out of 50 people that would break the credit card book out for the week. Yep.

And look through the numbers and go, you can number no match the number here. That car stolen. I called police right now. You had to run out of the fucking restaurant. But besides that, you know, credit card was a big thing. When I went to San Francisco, it was travelers checks.

Oh, right, yeah. My God, they were, like, stealing. Yeah, they were like stealing. Just as good as cash. A guy like, you come to me and go, I'm going on vacation. Where are you going? I'm going to Peru for a week with the family. How are you going to go out there?

You're getting travelers checks? Yeah, how much traveler check again? A thousand. I give them to me. Say you stole them, and I'll give you, when they give me $1,000, I'll give you back five. And you make $500, and I make $500. What's the big deal?

We all win. I would do that all day long. See, I don't even think like that. That's how I survive. That's how I survive. That's amazing. Like, that to me is brilliant. I knew a chick that worked at Lord and Taylor at Ann, whatever, 30 fucking years ago.

So I would bring her the car and go run for me and let me know. And she'd let me know what the amount was. This is 1985. Yeah, yeah. But to go back to this credit card thing. So it's August of 85. It's June of 85. I get a little lumps on money,

and I'm living out in bold, like a doctor, you know, getting up at one, going to lunch, lifting weights, walking around, eating. And finally,

when I get to like 10 Gs there, I got to do something. So I call my buddies, I'll do some credit cards, and I go to the local mall, and I go fucking AWOL. I mean, I'm in their war.

And I'm throwing the cards in the bushes, and I'm going back a week later, and I'm using them again. Again, this goes on all fucking, oh, the whole month of July, I'm going to this mall, the only mall in Boulder. Oh, no. And I'm dropping shirts. You should see me gold chains.

Fucking, fucking pens, gold pens and shit. I'm like a surgeon in there. I'm just buying VCRs. I got a TV. I got everything. And one day, I got a call, and it's Footlock. And Footlock hires me at the mall. I put an application when I first got into town in June

so I take the job in Foot Locker and I'm causing havoc of Foot Locker I'm stealing sneakers some kid came in with like his communion money an envelope and while he was trying to sneak as I clipped the envelope the whole family was crying there was like 800 year mouth the whole family of Spanish kids

oh no he just wanted to get some new shoes I felt so fucking guilty but by that time it was done I already had a call into the drug dealer. His money was gone. So one day... This is your answer to, like, getting money, like, oh, I'm running a little on money. So one day, this uniform fucking cop comes in,

keep the cop. With a detective. This uniform cop comes in, six foot four, built like a fucking tree house. Thinks he's fucking Johnny, Johnny Johnson, playing good, good, cop, bad cop. The detective is the good cop.

Mr. Diaz, can we have a word with you? How can I help you, office? We've had a couple people in the mall say that you're the guy that used like a million dollars in fucking money. A couple people have described you as the guy and the cops got called here the other day because some kids ever got stolen

and one of the employees recognized you and we want you to go to a lineup and I go, no, no, no, fucking lineup. I just moved here from New York. into my accent. I'm clean. I have to go run the computer. At that time, I had been arrested one time for weed

up on 178th Street. They gave me six months probation. But if I didn't get in trouble again in New York, they ripped it up. So I'm good to go. What do you want to do? Well, come down to the... Oh, yeah, yeah.

I know my rights. Well, this went on for about 10 days. They came every day. And then the Tarzan started coming by himself. Every day with the fucking uniform. on you know we got your clothes size pretty soon we're gonna get in the rest one and i'm like listen if you had my clothes size you wouldn't be here right now take a fucking hike after about six days i had to go to new york on him like i just had it he was bugging me

that much at work and then one sunday night they came to my fucking door and i came to the door and i go what's up tarzan oh jeez i just want to let you know that we're giving you it out on this you should turn yourself in right now i'm like i don't even know what the fuck you I got money in the bank. Why would I use the fucking credit card? Would you knock it off with the credit card? Get the fuck out of here. And he left him that night I packed. I got the fuck out of there because I knew they were on my tail. This fucking cop wasn't going to stop. This motherfucker wasn't going to stop. So two years later, I go back to Boulder. And I got arrested for doing 40 and a fucking 20. And I got a little bag of weed on me. The cop gives me a break. And then I got arrested for something else. fucking like a I didn't pay a ticket so I knew that the police was in my future I knew that somehow yeah I knew the Malook was on me I was running on fuel for years and pretty soon I got arrested for kidnapping I turned myself in and who do you think the detective was that fucking patrol cop that kept bugging me two years ago with the credit card oh shit

so I'm trying to figure out what is this moron gonna figure out who the fuck I am So we're in court together. Every time we're in court, I wouldn't even make eye contact with him, and he hated me. He hated you again? He hated me from a jump. The time I turned myself in, he hated me. The other guy's cop name was Jimmy Cola. When they did that thing about the girl they killed in Boulder, about a year ago on CBS,

he was the whitehead cop. Jimmy Cola played the cool drug cop. The other guy played Johnny Tarzan. So finally, me and Johnny Tarzan just banged. But I didn't really want to bang heads of them because I didn't want him to go, hey. Yeah, that's that guy. You're the guy from a couple of years ago. So for the whole year that I was out, every time I go to court for some reason, he was there,

I would say, when is this moron going to figure out? I'm the guy that he was looking for two years ago. Never. They sentenced me the whole thing. I came out. I'd see him. I'd wave at him. He never figured it to fuck out.

How the hell? it must have been some extenuating circumstances, the kidnapping thing. How do you get into a kidnapping fucking? Fucking drug rip. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's not like in the movies where it's like, ah, you return this person and I'll give you this much money. That's enough of a fucking movie.

Yeah, so it's like. Kidnapping is moving somebody from this room to another. Exactly. Without their consent. Yeah, yeah. That's the best when the girl goes, oh, he pushed me and I went into the other room. Oh, Jesus. Like, God damn it.

Yeah, yeah. No, she didn't. I know. She fell in that floor. No, she didn't. Don't be lying to the cops. Yeah, yeah. The legal system's fucked.

I can't stand. You talk about the stall technique. I always want shit to go fast. Like, just get it over with. And I think they bank on that. You know, they want you to take a quick deal or something like that. Well, they want you to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But if you make them wait, eventually they're going to be like, we got to tie the show. No, that was lesson number one I was always taught as a kid. Yeah. I heard them all the old times talk. Don't take the first deal. Interesting. Tell them to go fuck the mothers up the ass. Tell them to take that deal and stick it.

We're going to fucking let the taxpayers pay for a fucking jury. Right, right. Motherfuck. Interesting. And you keep telling the fucking DA that go fuck yourself. Yeah. I want this. Go fuck you.

But whenever you come back to that DA, you better have something. Not like be a rap, but you better have something to twist his opinion. You just cannot go in there. So I was a letter writer. I always tell people to become a letter writer. When you die, the church or funeral parlor automatically makes 250 obituary cards. That means that everybody knows 250 people. Uh-huh.

When a judge sees you and he sees 200 letters, he sees 250 fucking voters per letter. That's ways a judge's decision. Always comes down to that. It sways a DA's decision, especially if they have political aspirations. They don't ever want something like that held against them. So when I got locked up, I had everybody having made contact write a letter. People aren't even, in Jersey, I was just paying people. Write letters.

Get your uncle to write a letter. He's a Catholic. He came to church every Sunday. You get priest. Every letter is a voter. Every letter is a voter. Whether now or somewhere down the line. I didn't even think of that.

It's fucking crazy. Yeah. All the fucking loopholes, you know. No shit. And it's fucking crazy when you get locked up. That's why we live in a system. Getting locked up is like given the criminal steroids. Because he comes out with a new gift.

He learned something when he's in there that he didn't know before. Now he has two ways to make a fucking living or three ways. It's not drug dealing. It's something else. That's why once you're in this. system you get caught in the system and you'd never get out you never get the fuck out because every time you get in the system you learn something new somebody tells you a new fucking scam so it's kind of weird how the system works mm-hmm the system once you're in it they want you to

stay in it especially today's system you know if you let's say you get arrested in seattle and you make bail at 10 in the morning they don't let you out till midnight why do you think why do you think miss america you don't even fucking know you're just sitting there what the fuck I smoke over here. Why do you think? Because if they let you out of 10, they don't get paid for the day by the state. That $48 they get for that rotten oatmeal.

They're giving that fucking salami sandwich they got from fucking steak them. It's all about the numbers. You're there? So many hours. You know, that's the biggest businesses in this country are the biggest things. The halfway houses and private prisons.

It's like a fucking license to steal. But they just don't give you those. Somebody just taps on the shoulder and says, hey, you want to go partners with me on a prison? You get no license to steal. Yeah. Those halfway houses, they get the property cheap, then they get a land tax,

they don't pay taxes, they get a federal fucking government loan at a low interest, but they still pay the invicts. They still put an invict in a seven people in a fucking one bedroom. How the fuck? At fucking 400 apiece, that's $2,800 per apartment.

It's a business. People don't know about this is what it is. You just don't know. Listen. Now the majority people who are not in the system don't know. Right. And they don't deserve to know about this. The people who aren't in the system that are good people,

they don't deserve to know about this. Yeah. This is what pieces like shit like me that know and try to tell people why not to get arrested and shit like that. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, quite an enlightening. I don't mean to ask you this, and if you don't want to discuss it. How is our friend already doing? I'll discuss anything.

Artie, yeah, he was with me for... I get these mixed fucking emotions about rehab. I'm not in rehab. I'm doing a comedy show. Is he in rehab or is he doing a fucking comedy show? I know, that's just it. I was with him for... They let me out for an hour.

An hour. Who let you out for a fucking hour? No one. I didn't get it. I don't know either. I try to get info on him. I care about the guy we were... You know, everyone loves Zawai.

This is the first thing you hear. Oh, Ardy, I love the guy. I love him. And also, funniest motherfucker you'll ever hear. And it's true. People love him. It's true.

He's funny. He's one of the nicest guys. But he's got his problems. He's got his demons. And when you go to rehab, they don't let you out. This is what I... They don't let you out to go to a bar.

Nothing. They take your phone. They take everything from it. No emails, no TV. So I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I always hope the best for him and hope he's doing well and what have you.

But I've never heard of anything like getting out of a rehab for an hour to do a show at a place that serves alcohol and stuff. It just doesn't make sense. You know,

it's weird to be a comic, to be 55, to think of everything that I saw. And you could say whatever the fuck you want. You were involved in some of the funniest radio shows in history.

Crazy. Where I've laughed my ass. Crazy shit in those studios. I heard when Jimmy first got on and you guys were raw and the fucking this and people fucking in churches. It was crazy. It was crazy.

But Artie on Stern. Yeah. There's some episodes that just a mind-boggling. It's not even radio. Yeah. It's something else. You know, and for Artie,

I think now it's like having PTSD. He survived that. Wow. You survived that. What an interesting take on it. He survived that. You know, Opie, you know. Yeah.

I thought if you guys are talking. I don't know what's going on. But you understand me? Yeah, yeah. And you put that into that. We all suffer from some form of PTSD, man, that we don't even know. Like, there's something.

You know, I got hit in the head when I was six at Central Park in a lunchbox. Change my life forever. I knew a girl that hit her in the head. She was built like you, nice and thin. She got hit in the head. Next thing,

two triple Ds. Hit the side of her brain. Her tits were bigger than fucking life. You should have seen her tithies. From getting hit in the head. She had little titties all life. You got clarked in the heads next thing. Amazing.

You know, need to know the science behind that one. You know, it's really weird what the effects of fame do to you, with the effects of people giving you drugs. I told the story on here. You know,

I did fucking Coke like Artie. I know all those spots. I know all those spots. Yeah, yeah. Back and that's why I didn't. left in New York. Hala, and I still can control my emotions. In New York,

I know that at 2 in the morning, I can look at fucking whatever, the cop and go, hey, let's go buy a grenade. You know, New York is the only city in the world that offers you that. At 4 in the morning, I can look at you and go, we go get a keelow and a shotgun and a grenade right now up in Brooklyn.

And there's open. You took I'm kidding. Yeah, yeah. They're open. They're open. night they're waiting for somebody coming by those guns could a guy like me find it no they they fucking take your money and fuck you're all you'd be ripped and then make you swallow that load and throw you outside in the carpet what a trash like the hooker and for the patchy the bronch the bronch in the corner of the craters throw it on the junk pile that was it if you looked into one of those open parking lots and you saw a carpet rolled up oh yeah and you smelled something in the air you just kept walking he didn't play in that that was there were just blocks upon blocks

of just burnt out, bombed out buildings in New York that you would only think we're in Syria. Now they're all built back up, everything's nice, or they're gone, but yeah, when you saw a rolled up carpet after watching that movie, and you saw a lot of them in New York City, you just thought, oh, that has to be a dead hooker in there. That's why everybody had carpeting in the liver room.

Dead hooker in it. Just in case, we wrap you up. We put you outside. There was no technology then to get a blonde hair out. No, no. If they found the blonde hair, somebody shaved their ass wholly, and they didn't know nothing about that.

It was, uh... It's crazy. Yeah, there was at times me, my friends out on Long Island, we'd, uh, jump on a train, Long Island Railroad at all hours on a Friday, a Saturday night, and just go into the city just to look around. We weren't going anywhere. We weren't going to a game. How old are you now?

I'm 57. Okay. So you remember... Oh, I remember those days. And it was... We walked around like it was an adventure. It was just, you know, it was danger. It was amazing.

Down by the Javit Center, there were nude women just walking around. I just went to Gotham. It's crazy. And the one night, I swear to my mother's, I swear that little girl I have at the house. It was early show Thursday. I take the fucking Uber back to the ferry. And I stood outside the ferry for five minutes. And I go, what was here when I was in kid?

Yeah. And I go, I remember what was here. a thousand hookers Topless letting your finger It's crazy Disgusting you would hang out your window They would let you squeeze their tits And the four pimps were four black retarded dudes in wheelchairs

That you thought they were retarded They were in a wheelchair like But they shoot you with a fucking gun If you're fucking one of the host And it was It had to be Try to explain to the people at home That this is no exaggeration

Yeah Ritchie the cop Was there a half of my Whatever his fucking name is I know he's something a cop keep the cop bridge of the cop maybe let's just just keep it whatever the cop I like it whatever the cop I think of Bobby Bobby the cop so he can remain anonymous yeah still got his pension the truth in 82 to 84 yeah would there be a half mile worth of women out there to a mile of women endless naked in the summers in July west side highway

as you pulled up because we were going back to Jersey so we go no no no night the avenue take a ride Let's take a run. Let's see what's going on. They would come up to the cars and take their tits out and you would suck them. Those tits had herpes on them. Meanwhile, you're sucking the guy's saliva from the car in front of you. Disgusting. There'd be a row of cars. Yeah.

There'd be a row of cars and all the cars would be shaking some people sucking dick. You were there. And you'd be in your car like a fucking, like look at this street. Nobody would believe this. When I was in the police academy, one night when we were done, and this was early 90s we were a carpool there was four of us

so we go we get beers and one of my one of my friends in the car goes come on let's go see the hookers we'll go over by a port authority so we go down there by Javits and we're driving around

and we turn and we turn right in and all the traffic like oh you know it's just guys it was a checkpoint right so here we are oh fuck we're in uniform you know we're no uniform so we come great shirts from the academy come pulling up

and the cop looks in the car and he goes Sard, Sodge, come here, these rookies want to get their cocks up, come over here. So it's Sartre comes up to the window, he looks in, he goes, get the fuck out of here. And you're like, come on, we didn't say a word, we just fucking left. And what year was this?

That was 92. Yeah. Bro, I was long, yeah, I came back in 93 and I got a job working at a Nissan store. I'm 57th and 11th maybe. Down by Bonachie. insurance and they have a hot dog stand on the corner yeah oh wow oh yeah no insurance and I don't know about then I'm talking about 10 years earlier no the 80s I remember

it's crazy we would be headed back you know when I started podcasting I started by Rogan said to start podcasting and I didn't know anything about anything like all of us when we started a podcast and we're telling a story one day I was doing a podcast of Felicia Michaels and And she's sitting across from me. She's got the spittoon thing like me. So I can't really see her. So I was sick and tired. The pop filter for everyone listening.

So I'm sick and tired of fucking talking nonsense. So I told the story. This is how this whole thing started for me. I had been in movies, TV, nothing ever worked. I told the story about us going into the city. We went to a club. I don't know the name of the club. It doesn't matter.

And I had a buddy who every year. time we went to the city as soon as you picked them up as soon as you got in the car he would go he would touch his dick and go oof i'd go for a nice dick suck and like that's how the night opened like oh filet mignon tonight like for the name and no no no yeah and he would scratch his dick and he would go oh i can go for a nice dick suck it and oh one hour every hour on the hour wow i go for a dick sucking. So whenever you went into the city with him, you could always count on him stopping and get his dick suck.

Yeah. It was like automatic. He was just giving you a warning. Like at some point tonight, we're going to have to stop. You know, if you want to get a blowjob, I'll pay for you. But it was easy back then, too. They were everywhere. They were everywhere. Yeah. So we pull up, you know, now this was, and it was right around the corner from Lincoln Tunnel. Oh, yeah. So this was walking distance.

The tunnel. They used to be a Mercedes-Benz dealer there. as you made the turn and made the right turn into the Lincoln Tunnel there was a Mercedes Benz dealer that kept this lights on all night and on that corner was a fucking pretzel guy that that guy he definitely died

and wrote a note before he died 30 years selling pretzels sniffing that carbon monoxide from the tunnel that guy did not have a good ending he ended up dying like fucking raisin that guy woke up one day it was like

fucking I've been sniffing fumes Smell an exhaust and 30 fucking years. Asbestos from brake pads. I'll never forget he biting into the pretzel and it tasted like an exhaust. So what we did was we went around the corner and I left Al with Roger. Pelly was the one that was going to get his dick suck. And it was Al's car. Yeah.

So Al didn't want to go get a pretzel. So me and Stinky and another guy, we walked over to get a pretzel. We were hungry. Get your dick sucked. Because I don't want to stand in this corner. I just don't want to stand on this corner. It's disgusting. there's a row of 20 cars

and the women are walking like the walking dead am I lying team oh yeah they were like the walking dead an episode of walking dead just women walking across the street some of them got beat up yeah the heroin they're drug down it's a fucking nightmare

just in various states of undressed and by that time I was already done through all that shit I had already gone to I had already walked down Broadway and they would make you walk into strip clubs yeah yeah the girl would sit on your lap and try to work you for a bottle of champagne but she wanted 60 but before you hit you felt her up like a savage you were 14 your dick would get hard you would feel her up till you got

dizzy because you were like 14 and then she'd tell you it's you got to buy me a bottle of champagne oh shit they're 16 dollars you're like I ain't got 16 dollars get these fucking young kids out there but you have all come on your pants you go into four different spots and come in your pants because they sat on you and they kissed you right out with them you didn't camp up the dick for a kid that age making out it's amazing you'd be fucked but you never tell nobody that that that making out with hookers didn't give you credibility at those and no no no it's not like making out with your cousin or something like that like you know what's saying which one's better I don't know I don't know I don't made that

with my cousin but I'm just saying that so we would go to six or seven like you said New York was a fucking and especially you were from a suburb and went yeah Because that's what you did. You heard about it from your friends. It was like, oh, yeah, you got to do this. And the first time you go, it's just this, you're in a, it's an adventure. That, like, you could die. You always thought like, this, we could die here.

And you always had one stupid friend that bought weeds from the corner. And he bought terrible weed. It was fake weed. What are you doing? Fake weed. Because the guy would tell you, there's cops around. Don't open the weed till you get down to the corner. And by the time you got to the corner, you opened up.

It was tobacco with fucking spit in it. And you went to get the guy. And the guy was lost. Now, come on. His name is flaco. There's no flaco here. You're no flaco. There's no flaco.

There's no flaco. Fucking hysterical. My buddy bought acid one time. And they sold him a piece of paper with coffee drip on it. He came back. I got beef before he hits, you dog fuck. Rule number one is don't buy nothing on that fucking corner. Yeah.

I was like dinner on Christmas. Don't buy nothing. Don't buy nothing. A guy that we were in the city with, he wasn't a buddy of mine, but it was a, we were doing a gig or some shit. And he comes back. He's like, holy shit. I just got a VCR for 50 bucks.

And he's holding this box. And it's wrapped in shrink wrap that might as well have been bulletproof. You couldn't peel this stuff off. And the label for this VCR was taken from the Wiz ads. The guy just cut pictures of VCRs out, put him on the box, shrink wrapped it, and he couldn't open it on the spot because the shrink wrap literally needed a knife. So we're like, oh, you fuck. Open it. see what's in here. It ain't a fucking VCR.

He opens, he's like, no, no, the guy was, he was all cool. He opens it up. It's, uh, it was, uh, three bricks. Three bricks. Oh, uh, with newspaper all around it. So they jostle around. But like, what a fucking answer.

Who would, who's this stupid? Apparently a lot of people are. They used to have three card Monty on the streets. Remember those guys? I remember three card Monty. And they'd have the, the mark. And then the guy that worked it. And then his partner who would win. There's someone winning. It's like, oh, my God, the guy

doing it's like, I can't believe this guy's winning. Oh, I'm winning. And then you'd be like, hey, wait, I want to play. And you got beat. I was, listen, so I grew up on 205 West 88th Street. I lived there to the third grade. I went to PS-166. But my mother's Cuban, so we always had a bar in Union City, New Jersey. My mom made the commute.

So I was always a city kid that hung out of the city. Then my godmother, my Santa Maria godmother, I got a 148 on Broadway So I'm a Santa Ria dude From 148 Street So then we moved to Jersey But I always as a kid My godfather would always take me

The 42nd Street to watch the love bug And then we started watching Charles Bronson movies The Valachi Papers We always got a hot dog We walked to Victor's Cafe That was my turf That was my fucking turf as a kid So

As I got older Like I wasn't scared to go into this city Like, I already knew how to get tickets at the garden. I knew how to do all that shit by the age of 10 or 11. Wow. I remember being 12-ish, 13-ish, because Dominic Specialia died when I was 15. Blastor remember going over there.

We used to snort. PCP. Okay, we buy fucking, they were called THC Crystal. Wait, at 12? 12, 13. Oh, Jesus Christ. On Sundays and Saturdays. Oh, my God.

We need to tell our mothers that we were going to a, uh, a couple of them. karate tournament or some bullshit. And four, five of us, we get two $10 bags and we cut it up between the five of us and snort it. Get on that last bus from meeting the city to fucking the city. Get off of Port Authority and we cut a deal. All right, you three fucking morons. You go and I'm going to take Lee with me

and we'll meet you up at Port Authority on 181st Street at 5 o'clock. So you would walk to 8th Avenue. Me and Lee would walk to 10th Avenue. But at first we would stay together for a little while. Yeah, yeah. One day, we got off 40, we got off Port-a-Durdy. Right there was Peep World. Yeah, yeah.

They had the peep world. A lot of peep world. The fucking peep world was all over the way. Yeah, yeah. Like chocolate, and us coffee. And get the IDs, you get the fake New York City IDs. Yeah.

Then you walked off the corner to Broadway. When you made that left to Broadway, this is how lucky. This is how good I had it growing up. Across the street from that. Broadway like 30 yards away from Broadway there was a gyro place that was there forever I grew up with those kids in northern New Jersey so whenever I was on 40 seconds street I went there for a gyro it was my high out for a minute of two the best gyros in the world they were fucking Greek the Katsaka's bride fucking tremendous tremendous Aramides Helen and her brother Aramides and he worked

real Greek yeah and we would go in there and eat we all louis and then we would make that left and you would come out where the fucking thing spins around and tells you the news bulletin. And that whole street, we were all on PCP. Oh, my. That whole street was banging this one Saturday. It was a beautiful day to be alive. It had to be about one in the afternoon.

We walk about 50 yards. And there's a guy playing three-card Monty. And he had a circle around. Oh, Jesus. And these people were throwing cash and travelers checks, and they would have the lookout. And they would go, cops. and they would blow the table up

and the guy would sit there going, I just lost 1800. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was fucking brilliant. How they did it. But there's one day on there with this kid Dominic, Carlos Perez, who's still alive,

Dominic's brother, Sabatino, who was two years younger, he was like nine. We had him in the city already with us. And we're watching the streetcar Monty, and I fucking put $10 down and I lose. And this Dominic Spichial kid, God rest of his soul looks at me.

He was like, what are you an asshole? They're running a fucking scam. Didn't you know that? It's all a scam. No one wins. Anthony, as he's looking at me, he looks down. And I see him.

Anthony, as he's calling me and ass all. And a fucking dumb spick. He's saying all this shit to me. I thought you were more street knowledge. Oh, no. You don't know it. This is a fucking scam. And all of a sudden, out of the corner of his eye,

I see one of the cards get him. And I see him slowly get hypnotized. And he goes in his pocket. Yeah. And he put a fucking scam. I can win this. He lost because the guy used to bend the cards. That's how they get you.

They didn't even bend the cards and show you the fucking card bent. And you still couldn't fucking get it. And when I never forget him calling me an idiot and all of a sudden him losing and he's going to fuck you. And now for like 10 blocks we called each other. Who's the dumb fuck? You're the dumb fuck. Well, you lost first. I wouldn't have lost if you were to lost.

If I wasn't standing there, fuck you. That's how they do it, man. We would fucking take that fucking voice. They hypnotize you. And try to make it back to 181st Street. And then we either walk the bridge and take the bus from Fort Lee back to North Park. The bridge. Walk the bridge, Doug.

How many times I walked that fucking bridge? In 93, they already knew that people were coming over from Jersey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Buy drugs up in Washington Heights. So they were monitoring the cars. But they weren't monitoring the fucking savages like me. I would walk over like I owned the joint You know what I'm saying?

I would walk over, walk right into the bridge Go right there Get my little half ounce of two toulots Walk right back to Broadway Stop at the Cuban joint Two blocks up from the hospital Get myself a little boliche With some rice and beans

Fried bananas I'd kill an hour And then I'd walk back They'd forget all about me Who the fuck is this guy? How are they gonna forget about 12 year old kid No this is by this time I was broke here

Oh okay You're fucking momo I couldn't imagine This is 93 when I was doing comedy. I was just starting to do comedy, and I was working selling cars in the city, and I went back to do a short stint doing comedy, and that's how I lived in Fort Lee.

So instead of paying the $2 for the bus, I just walked across the fucking bridge. What does someone just say, you're a funny motherfucker once you go do some comedy? Yeah, it's pretty much it. I used to wake up in the morning, go to Safeway in Fort Lee and steal a box of... What's that shit women used for yeast infections?

Monastat 7? I'd steal two boxes from the safe way walking across the bridge and up in Washington Heights. All those crazy fucking Spaniards up there. They live with yeast infections. So I would sell it for the bodegas for half price. It was like a scam every day. Brilliant.

They brought aspirins and yeast infections. You saw a fucking... No, I knew junkies. No, you saw the market. I didn't say nothing. I knew a guy that was a professional junkie. He lived off heroin. And I go, how do you shoot every day?

It was easy. I steal Monastead 7 I sell it to the city He goes those fucking Spanish people They all got yeast infightons They got to find the They got kids with their 14 and shit

So who would have thunk it Can you fucking Monast that 7 1993 Whatever cures the yeast infection I'd bring it over there I'd have a suitor How much do you get for each box

Like 40 bucks I'd have a suitor I was selling cars On 11th Avenue 10th Avenue At either Midtown Nissan I worked up like

two places. I never worked at the Damasi place. I didn't like them. I worked at the Nissan store and the Jeep store. But there was days I had no money. I was a junkie. Oh, my God. So I would take a shower, walk to Fort Lee. I would have a briefcase and everything. I would put both things in there, some

Anderson, whatever. Like you're the salesman for fucking monostat. Walk over the bridge. Yeah, yeah. I'd go to the bodega. Get like 60 bucks to get the day started. Then we'll take it from there. How the fuck? I would eat breakfast, like a doctor,

get a bag of weed while I was there. Like a gentleman. And then I'd go sell cars. And then when I ran out of money in the daytime, at night, I was such a scumbag. I'd go in the cars and take the quarters. All the cars that were there for service, I'd take all the tokens and shit.

The next day I'd come back. All my tokens are gone. It's before cameras. I'd be there with the suit on. Yeah. The service guy would go, some motherfucker keep stealing the tokens out of the cars. I'm going to find who the fuck it is.

get him fired. Every night it was me a quarter of nine, I'd steal 20 tokens and sell them at the boy. I'd have a token. Now you can't do that shit. Give me a blast of coke. I just saw recently a video with some guy working at a car dealership or a... Oh, yeah. And the camera's on him, and he's taking the money.

He's taking a change, a few dollar bills or something. And then you see him, look at the camera, and he gives it this look and then leans in closer to it. And he's like, oh, fuck I'm fucked. That's it. You're done. They got you. There's no film in there.

You can't take it and, you know, break it. They got you. It's somewhere else. Yeah, now you're on camera everywhere. Like, because you talk about those old days and some of these little scams and things that people work. Done. It's ancient history. Can't do it anymore.

My stepfather was a very, not paranoid because of drugs. He was very conscious. And over the years, the education I got from him was, like, he didn't talk. in front of a phone not really not even if he had to talk to him outside yeah yeah he didn't talk to coloste glass even in the 70s wow because he knew about the parabolic mic yeah yeah getting the vibrations off the glass they got the NFL he would tell me they used that with the feds Alexa forget it he would smash it with a hammer yeah yeah bring alexa in his house he would smash it's a rat right in your house cell phone he would never have but there was something i was

to tell you I forgot about like his code anyway who gives a fuck it's a different world now New York is uh and that's why I say to you like when I go to New York now I remember places by landmarks those landmarks aren't there oh they're gone yeah yeah I have been shocked when I go to my hometown now I am in shock yeah I haven't shocked like every time I go to my hometown I fucking And it's like the first 24 hours is like how much more they're going to build? They figured it out. I guess they can make a lot more money that way, just plowing stuff over and changing these neighborhoods over. That's why we were talking before.

You could tell when it's happening. They put in the coffee place and they put in a nice little boutique and whole foods and things like that. And then before you know it, you know, there's a bunch of hipsters in there. and white dudes and the indigenous population is fucking God. And I don't know where they go. I read an article a couple years ago on the Boston Globe that a lot of the new luxury buildings they're building are empty. Like people from China have so much money that they buy it as like, oh, I own this.

If I need money, I'll sell it. Like they'll never see their apartments. Oh, they don't want to even rent it, like actually go in there and live there. They just have it as part of their portfolio. Yeah, that's how much are these apartments over here? Like 25,000, 3,000 for a one bedroom. I know in New York, that's not much, but for L.A. That's so relative.

New York is just the rents. But it goes all the way. I mean, guys, it's grown. Yeah, yeah. The days of, I can't, I don't want to buy a house. I can't afford to buy one of these houses in this name, but it's crazy. A million dollar house. I don't need a million dollar house.

You know, it's fucked up. A million dollar house these days. It's nothing. It's not like when you thought, oh, a million-dollar house is going to be a mansion. A fucking yard. I don't have a neighbor for a mile. Yeah, now it's like, oh, a million-dollar house. Well, you could fix it up.

I go, a million bucks, I don't want to fix her up her for a million dollars. I don't move in, but, you know, times they have changed. I don't see what happens with all this shit the next year or two. The kid's still young. We could read the read, we adapt somewhere. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, I would love to stay in California. The question is, where do you go?

Yeah, yeah, there aren't many places that are any better or worse or, you know, because I look at New York and go, the second I can stop, I need to broadcast from Midtown, we get guests and things like it, it's New York City. But the second I'm done, you think I'm staying there, pay those ridiculous fucking taxes, sit on those ridiculous laws that infringe on every constitutional right that you have? I want out of there. But like you said, where do you go? Every state, it's pretty much the same bullshit. You get some are a little better than others with some of the laws and taxes and things. But for the most part, you're just shelling out money. You know when you stop working, you still have to pay money?

Like, they still want taxes and stuff. It's like, I'm done. I retired. If you retire, I want to just be done and live out my life. Why do you still have to keep doling money out to these motherfuckers? It's ludicrous, man. It's fucking, how did we agree to any of this shit? Weren't they supposed to be representing us when they go to Washington?

And then they come back with, well, here's the new law. And you're like, who represented me on that? I wouldn't agree to that shit. I got to pay money. Like, insane amounts of money, even if I don't work anymore. Fuck them. Maybe Belize, right? Is that where you want to go, Keith?

Belize. I do not believe the taxes we pay. It's crazy. You never thought about it as a child. No. You never thought about it. Now as an adult, I look at it, and I just shake my fucking head. And that's the cost of freedom.

That's the cost of a lot of things in there. But we're really paying a Vig. It's just hidden. Yes. It's the same Vig they pay in Russia, only here it's hidden. You know, 30 years ago, this Vig wasn't this exuberant. No. This Vig has grown, and it's grown every year.

And, you know, I don't know nothing about, I'm not a tax accountant. I'm not H&R Block's nephew. That's what they do. They keep it so complicated. But my wife's accounted. And when she shows me that shit, my fucking heart stops. It's fucking nuts.

My heart stops. My heart stops. How did we agree to that? I work. You know, I got to go on the road. I got to carry luggage. You know, on the road, the fucking prices are exuberant. Yeah.

You go to a whole. You know, we went to a hotel The Boston Red Sox were playing the Yankees. The hotels doubled up and fucking... Christ. Of course. You know, it's like you have no idea, you know, the amount of tips you dole out, you know,

the volume that you need to do, I can't do anymore. Mm-hmm. To really, really, really bite into comedy. I'm too old for it. When I don't like to burn out. I like to do the podcast twice a week and then do it.

stand up for a weekend and have a couple weekends off and, you know, I'm one of those guys. Relax at this point. To really do it is to do it every week and to do two theaters a night and whatever. I don't have it at me. I don't want to be that guy. That's not what I signed that for. And how about some downtime just to fucking recharge or relax or enjoy yourself? You can't even do that now because you've got to keep pushing and pushing to pay that Vig that you're talking about. You know, I look at these houses and Wilden Hills. I'm not a fucking idiot. And I know one thing.

I know what it is to fucking starve. And it's because I starved years ago because when I was married, I didn't know what Vig meant every month. You got to keep your Vig fucking low, Jack. It's got to stay low at every effort. I drive a Subaru. It's a great fucking car. It's $264 a month. And I don't drive to San Diego and back from West.

So you're not going to bang me on the 50 cents a mile. I'm not a fucking Uber driver. So you know what I'm saying? Right, right. I mean, I look at it, and it's not being shrewd or cheap, it's just getting the most for your fucking dollar. In today's fucking economy, you know, it's a fucking nightmare. It's crazy.

It really is. And what happens when the tickets stop selling? And what happens when the TV shows? That's what you got to worry about, yeah. And what happens in your Vegas still 12 Gs a month. You know, I can borrow 1,200, Keefe de Kopp. I can borrow $1,200, $12,000. That's a tough fucking borrow.

The tough one to borrow. A tough one to borrow. I hear you, man. I come to you like a man. I go, Anthony, I'm having a rough month. I need to borrow $264 for my Subaru. You'll give it to me with a smile. If I come to you to say, I got to pay $600 for my Porsche.

You're going to go, Joey. Maybe it's not. Or sell the fucking Porsche. You know what I'm saying? It's time to suck dick and sell the Porsche. You got to make up your mind on that one on what you want. And there's just no accountability to it either. Like, if I was paying this amount of taxes and I got this list of everything that was being done and thought, wow, that's pretty good.

What's my money going for? Right. But these motherfuckers are all the most corrupt scumbags. How the fuck is someone like Pelosi and Warren and all of me, Republicans? How do they go into public service, the noble occupation of public service and leave multimillionaires with the greatest house? houses, not anywhere near their constituency. You know, they don't live in the areas that the people they represent. They live in these amazing houses.

How does that happen? How did you, the person that was supposed to go to Washington in lieu of myself to represent me and tell the upper echelon of government what I need back where you live? How did you end up fucking rich? And I'm sitting here paying you to go and tell them what I need. it's fucked it's not the way it was supposed to be and we just we eat it we sit there and eat it because there's no recourse what are we what are you supposed to do revolt they'll throw you in fucking prison in a second

you even start talking about the fact that you're dissatisfied with the government these days on social media and they'll either throw you off or they'll call you something an is or a phob or whatever it is but you have no recourse to go after the government You think votes do it? The closest we got is Trump. We voted in a fucking maniac, and I love it. I couldn't be happier. I wanted a monkey wrench thrown into the works.

And he's hilarious, so at least I've got my money's word there. But other than that, where do we go to say, I don't like the idea that this person's supposed to be representing me is making a fortune, and we have to pay more and more every year. Like you said, how about you're done with work, all that money you made, maybe things slow down? And now you have to still pay them? I paid you a fuckload when I was doing really well. Now maybe things aren't doing so well. You're going to cut me a break? Oh, no.

They're worse than the mafia. Of course. They're worse than the mafia. You know, it's so weird how I grew up in Hudson County. It's like the second most corrupt town. When I left Hudson County in 83, I knew I didn't like politics. Like I had already said to myself, why would somebody do a job for $28,000?

out of the kindness of their heart, you're not going to pull that on Uncle Joey. Tell that to your fucking aunt who believes in that shit. Because they know there's something in the back end. Of course. Okay. So if I saw that at a micro level, at a micro level,

think of what it is at a macro level. There's that lady in Mississippi who put the Confederate hat on and said they should hang people and lynch people and all this shit. Did you see all the people that gave her money that want their money back? Isn't it crazy?

So what do you do with this money? What are you doing all these contributions? You really use them? You use half of them and you fucking cook the books. And now you live like a fucking doctor. You live great. You know, I mean, if you don't know this is an American, there's something wrong with you.

You buy them that they're really in there for you. This is what you really want to do. You're a dummy. Then go for it. But you're a dummy. I'm sitting there. Listen, I watch that 3.30. I stop when my daughter goes to karate at 4.

but at 3.30 I don't give a fuck. I want world news tonight. Just see what they got to say at 3.30. I can't even wait till 6.30. I got to watch the 3.31, all right? I see a bunch of people with red shirts jumping up and down. I'm like, what the fuck is this? A bunch of fucking retards jumping up and down with red shirts.

I thought they served. I thought they saw cancer or the Rubik's Cube or something. They landed in fucking Mars. Like, I give a fuck. Neptune or Venus. I don't give a fuck. There's people. There's people in the homeless out there.

There's people that are starving. I thought you cured the hiv. I thought you're queued hepatitis C. A bunch of white people jumping up and down. Only white people give a fuck about Mars. Black people don't give a fuck about Mars. Those Nicaraguans that are getting fucking shot with tear gas. Ask them, put them on jeopardy and ask them about Mars.

They don't know nothing about Mars. They don't want to know about Mars. And they don't care about Mars. Only fucking white people with purple shirts. A jump up and down, high-fiving. Because the camera landed in Mars. It took eight years. I give a fuck.

Really? I noticed the astounding lack of diversity in that room. We could have fucking not one Puerto Rican in there. No. All white. Not one Puerto Rican, not one black. You know what NASA stands for? Don't even make me tell you.

Don't even make me tell you what NASA stands for. They just spell it differently. They just change the words around. You know what I'm saying? NASA. Look, S for Spix, N, I don't even want to say it. And A, A, that's fucking KK and fucking pig Latin or some shit. Oh, my God.

Yeah. The fuck out of here. You're going to believe in these people. What the fuck is wrong? No, they're all full of shit. I sit there and I fuck it. I don't like none of them. I've never liked none of them.

I'm like the fucking guy. I never trusted him. I'm like Tony Montana. Yeah, yeah. Never trusted those people. I never trust. They're all evil. They all get into it for a fucking.

There's an underlying reason. That's all, all of them get into that. Nobody takes the pressure of the world for $225,000 a year. No, no. You can make that selling cars. Yeah, why would you have to be, you are the blame of everything. You are the blame of everything. Everything that happens, they blame you for it.

For $225,000, that's why you want to be the most powerful man in the world. Yeah, yeah. Because you get secret service protection for the next time fucking years between your fucking family. No, because there's something on the back end of that. And even these other people, the representatives, the Congress, senators, they all have an interest, everything they do. When they get that war chest, they talk about, oh, we got donations for our election. Then they go to a union and they go, we're going to make a contribution to the union. Just make sure all you guys vote for me.

And they put the strong arm on all the union members to vote a certain way because they got paid off. It's no different than the mob. It's mafia tactics. It's extortion. It's bribery. It's all that shit. But somehow, when they do it, it's legal. And it's the American way.

And it's our democracy at work. I don't get it. I went to the doctor the ad day. I went to the doctor the ad day. About a month ago, we're talking. He looks on my fucking prescription list. So what are you on right now these days? He looks at my prescription list.

And he goes, Uh-oh, I got to get you off that. I got to put you on something else. Okay. I get home, I give my wife, you know, I got to go to CVS. I picked the prescription out. My wife goes, what's this one? The doctor said not to take a side of van no more.

Whatever the fuck with blood pressure. I take this one. She goes, what happened? I don't fucking know. I don't know. He tells me what to do, I'd do it. Well, my wife being white married, that she gets online and she investigates it.

It's just a whore pill. It's just this fucking. and pill that they put chalk in it and she did the research on it okay how did that get through how did that get through it's election time you go to i don't know let's say the board is seven people vote you go to four of them and say there's more money if that comes from if this gets right passed the fda passes it you know that's why you see these prescriptions come out all at one shot Snerva Never again

Now there's one if you fucking suck dick a lot You see that one? You want to suck and fuck? We got it for you This will help you not get the hiv You'll get the half of hiv I saw that one But no spots

They show a bunch of guys Like gay dudes Yeah They show the transsexual dude Yeah I take it every day Take this one And you suck

How the fuck does that get past That's a 90 day scam And in two years You watch a late night TV Did you take that bill To fucking suck like an animal? You too can call us right now Call us

And sue us Are you suffering from all of a sense If your balls fell off When I was a kid Every pussy I ate Taste like Thalcan powder Every time you finger the girl Talkan Pottle was on your hand

Like you figure somebody You had Talkan Pott You figure a Catholic girl You have Talkan Pott All of a sudden Everybody's Pussy's rotting from Talkan Pada No it's Talgabata Have your ovaries fallen out?

Yeah, yeah. They blame it on the time. That's the best pussy I ever ate. It kept it dry. It kept the inside. It was like putting like aluminum fall on the chicken. It kept the inside. It kept the outside fresh.

But the inside had that whine to it. Fresh and moist. Yeah, the inside had that fucking yin-ynging juice in it. When you open up, the little pink meat came out. That's what town compiled was for. It keeps the time. Yeah. You don't want.

And in the 70s, you had that little hair bush. Oh, a lot. Yeah, yeah. Calm the gyro. It sounds like a little gyro. You got to calm the gyro. Calm the gyro. Calm the gyro.

Calm the gyro. Calm the gyro. That was used to, like, pull aside. Like a Venus fly trap. Like from the 70s on, the bush got smaller. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then in 79, 78, with Julius Irving in the ABA, the big bush made a comeback. I used the day to date a girl that had a bush that came out from the sides.

Wow. It was the sexiest thing ever. Crazy. The hair came out from the sides, and it was like long when it got wet, she could pet it like a little pet fucking monkey. The Kardashians would have a guy. The Kardashians who would be just petting their pussy. If this is 20 years, they went through a few stages. They had the landing strip and the Hitler mustache little thing.

And then when it went completely wood floor, that would like freak some people out. But then now I think the bushes make a little more of a comeback. I like something. Because you got to know where you are. That bald fucking pussy makes you feel creepy. It was. You're looking around for a camera. We used to call it.

A fucking rattle. You don't know what the fuck to look for. We used to play a game on the O&A show called Guess What's in Your Pants. And we'd have a girl and she would rub the phone on her pussy. And we'd have to guess if it was a landing strip, a Hitler mustache, or if she was fully shaved or anything. And you could hear like if we go, all right, now go side. Now go side to side. You hear like,

and you knew it was like a landing strip because it was getting that staticky sound just for a little split second, like Morse code. And then if it was completely bald, we called it the Jean-Beney. Really just so rank, so offensive. But the Jean-Beney was actually the loudest one

because it had nothing to pattern. I was just rubbing on skin. So a lot of girls participated, though. They like that stuff. That was the old shock jocchoree of the old days. Now it's not even. But now, who are you going to shock on radio? First of all, you get sued.

The Me Too movement will come after you. And then the other thing is, you pick up your phone. Go ahead. Watch videos you can see on there. Who's shocking anyone on a microphone from a radio station anymore? I grew up in Boston and forgive me if I'm wrong, but I remember having this bumper sticker as a kid that said whip him out Wednesday. Yeah, that was you, right?

Yeah, yeah. We did the whip him out Wednesday. you put a sticker on your car and it was if a girl saw it and felt so inclined she would flash a tits at the guy with the wow sticker so they became they were everywhere because guys thought you know if there's a chance i could be in traffic on the way home and see tits yeah that's awesome so people were slapping these wow stickers all over the place and uh yeah we got some shit from that from the stateies uh the massachusetts state is like this is uh obviously a very dangerous process We don't want people showing it was you know it's fucking Boston.

How many times did you guys get fined by the FCC? Well, the funny thing is about CBS Radio. They never got fined. What they would do is litigate with the FCC and pay a contribution. So that way their record was clean the whole time and they said, well, we've never paid an FCC fine. But they would make contributions. So we had probably three or four of those. But complaints?

Up the ass. Just every time we turn around, somebody would be writing, and you just have to write a fucking letter. Could you imagine having the gumption to get a pen and paper, find out where the FCC is, right? I was very offended. My dear sir, a stamp out to the mailbox.

Just insanity. Kind of mental patient. I see a letters mail to me at the comedy store. Letters. Like I went to your shoulder and I never saw offended. Could you believe it? I would go wow. Who the fuck would go home?

Somebody whose wife is not suck. Yeah. That's the only reason you would go home after a comedy show and write a lot. And do that. If your wife sucks your dick, you ain't fucking. The comics suck. Because they're either extremely passionate about what they write you about or they're fucking mental patients.

And that's something that's lost now in social media. People now, they get on Twitter or Facebook or whatever it is, and they could just go, you suck or what you did suck. And we talk about the old days like Frank Sinatra. He could do a show. Frank Sinatra never opened the letter that said, Hey, Frank, you suck by some anonymous guy. Because the guy would have to sit there and find out where was Frank playing?

Who was his publicist? Who do I write to? What do I do? How do I get to Frank Sinatra? Nowadays, people have too much access to just tell people they suck for no other fucking reason. These people that have accomplished nothing in their own lives now have access to people that have done pretty cool shit just to tell them that, you know, know they're assholes they suck they're ugly this whatever the fuck it is I think people

have a little too much access now to other people it's great to read when you post a video on YouTube the comments the comments are ridiculous right it really is great to read right people say to you and when people will what and you look at it and at first the first year or two it it does cut you the first two or three years yeah yeah and then after that you have to think about their situation right and think about your situation and look at from a different logistic and go what I would never do that who would do that right you know what your chances are me yelping I'll make you a deal I won't yell but I won't read yo ever I'll make my assumption on my fucking home okay yeah yeah I go into your place and it sucks

I'm not going to tell nobody unless somebody goes to tell me that I love that they're going to go eat at your fucking dumpy place I'm going to tell them not to go there yeah yeah but Nothing's going to make me go online and report you. And to the world, you're going to tell the world that you think that sucks. You know what? You fucked up. You fucked up. You made a bad choice.

There was something that was tremendous up the corner, but you chose there. You knew it was good, but you chose there because you wanted to be new and adventurous. Well, you're fucking adventure between my legs. Okay? I've seen it happen with tons of people. I want to be new and adventures. That one down the corner has been there for 80 years for a fucking reason. You know, it's good.

You know, I was telling you about before that I love you to death. I've always respected the fucking voices and the shit that you would do early on and all that. But you have a show. And I tell you that it's 4 to 6 and you're not going to catch me in this city. No. It's not going to happen. I already did that. Animals in the city.

But it's so weird how I just don't like straight. Like, I got to stop smoking this man. What was I going to say, Keith the cop? And then you're watching me and shit. I like the idea of slowing down a bit. Like years ago, first doing the O&A show and first getting into radio, I wanted to balls out, 110 miles an hour, just whatever. And you get to a point now where it's kind of like,

I want to enjoy myself a little more. Now, I don't want to have to work as hard in order to play, you know? And I think it just goes. It goes with going through your 50s. I honestly think that. Like, by the time you had 50, you're not an old guy. You're not ready to fucking cash it in.

But you know what? As you go through your 50s, you kind of want to fucking chill a little more. I don't need as much danger in my life. Or, you know, it was cool to kind of go out as a younger guy and not get into trouble, but potentially get into trouble.

to skirt trouble a little bit with your buddies and everything. That ain't me anymore. Like, I can't be bothered. I want to relax. It's amazing the things that don't even bother asking me. There's a thousand things that that ship sailed. Right. Like, do you want to go to a Rams game?

No. No. Do you want to go to a Giants game? Not in a million fucking games. Like, I don't ever want to go to any of those games again. I'm never going to pay $50 to your fucking parking. It's miserable. I paid $15 to go see the Knicks with Bernard King.

You know, I paid $1550 for Pink Floyd DeWault and that's all Coliseum in 1980. Yeah. You want $400 for a ticket now. Shame for a ticket. Shame on you. Shame on you. Yeah.

Shame on you. You know, there's so many things that I am over. Done. Like you hit a certain age. For me, I think it was like 44, 45. Like I've always been a little outside of the box. I've never really believed in what most people believe in. You know, I got that way of murder for years.

So that whole fear thing has been gone. But something happens. Once you realize that you don't have much time left. Oh, shit. Because that's the reality. Yeah, you wake up. You're over the hump. When you turn 50 and everybody comes in the room, surprise.

Oh, my God. What does it feel like to be 50? And you're like, it feels great. And that night you're home by yourself, and you're like, I'm 50. There's no turning back now. If it's a time to become religious, it's today. It's today. There's a time to really do what I want to do.

It's today. Yeah, you're over that hump. I don't have two hours in the 405 to come meet you at a seafood place for lunch. You know, whatever you got to tell me, tell me on the fucking phone. Right. Call me and tell me. I'm not driving two hours. There's a two hours that I could be sick there

listening to the Eagles, Hotel California. There you go. Smoking dope. That's constructive. Enjoying yourself. Relaxing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's so weird how you look at things and go,

nope. Yeah, no. The knowledge, the wisdom, like you already know. You just look at something and you already see, it's like watching everybody hates Chris. When he would look at something and he'd think about it. Assess it and know it. You don't even have, like I've been done.

on the street already twice yeah that's just it you use all your experiences that you've had in your life and you can assess something very quickly now and go quickly no i just see it coming a mile away i brought that right back up i've been through it i've seen it before and this is how it plays out so no no fuck that yeah i'm not doing it it's uh i love my daughter you know and i see what hollywood does the kids oh my god yeah i've seen what living in this area does the kids I see kids of successful people, how they're raised, how everything is material. But there's really no love there. That affects you.

That affects you, you know. I try to, like I said, I go on the road every other week, twice. And even then I take, like, I just canceled the week this morning. I woke up this morning and said, I'm not going to the second week in January. I'm done. See? Because you know. Yeah, I'm done.

I'm going to stay here. I'm not going to go back to LAX till March. Enjoy yourself. I'll fly to Burbank to fucking march now. That's it. You know, it's hilarious, too. We're walking around,

driving around the area, Hollywood, West Hollywood especially. It's hilarious. And I'm like, I haven't seen men. I don't see men out there. I see a bunch of these withery guys

that you know are hashtag me too and all that. And I see gay dudes. Like, where are there men? I see a lot of pickup trucks. I'll see a lot of men. They're usually synonymous with pickup trucks. Maybe if there's hay in the back, they're going to feed their horses or something.

But I'm looking at it. We passed a bar on the way here. It was called Flaming Saddles. I'm like, boy, if that isn't a gay bar. What a great name for a gay bar. Where is it? In Hollywood? Yeah, of course.

There's a Hollywood. I'm going, you never get, you can't mistake and go and go, oh, shit, I don't know what this was. Flaming Saddles. Once you get to Hollywood, then. It's debauchery. It's a sad situation. If you look at it from perspective, and I'm very happy I never became one of those people.

Yeah, I want to come out here, and I wanted to succeed in a way, but not to do that. At that cost. At that cost. You know, having to go to premieres and talk to people who you would not talk on a daily basis in any of your fucking lives.

Yeah. You know, to dress a certain way. to act a certain way to have that certain, you know, vocabulary. You know, you're watching Narcos, it's really funny. I watched a couple episodes when it first started. She goes, no matter how much money you spend, you're never going to be one of that. Right.

And once you know that going in, it makes your life a lot easier hearing that life, what you're willing to do and what you're not willing to do. Anthony, you know, I like you. But if it means me going to your stupid fucking movie and tell you it's good, if that's what you really want. Right, right. Won't you rather have one of your friends come up to you and say, Anthony, that's the biggest piece of shit.

Right. Sincere, honesty. Right. You're not going to get that here. No. That goes, and it goes from the parents. This is why I want to get my child out of here. Yeah.

Because if you happen, I don't fall far from the tree. I see the five o'clock class of karate and I see the girls are a little old. Oh, my God, I love your blouse. Who loves your blouse? Who says, I love your blouse? Oh, my God, I love your shoes. Shut the fuck up. Everybody I hung out with Warconvers.

That's it. I don't love your shoes because I got the same fucking ones. They come either white or black. That's it. Now you get them a navy blue with a dash of yellow. Get the fuck out of here. It's amazing what has happened. Yeah.

And we've witnessed it. Especially every, like I said to you, every time I go back to New York, it takes three. Like, my limit is three days. Decompress, yeah. It settles in. Yep. You know, to think that.

Jacob Javits was this disgust. New York was just, look at the old videos of New York. I love watching those. And I love that. Yeah. I still remember living on 88th Street and like every once in a while, a rat would get like insomnia and would come out of the daytime. I felt bad for that rat. We would chase it down the street.

We would hit it with rocks, run over it with a bicycle, and then at the end light him on fire. Oh, Christ. No, we did everything for that fucking rat. We beat him. He'd be half mortified. We hit him with sticks, rocks. We'd run over him with a bicycle a thousand times until we heard a crunch. Oh, shit.

And then we let him on fire to make sure. He shouldn't have come out. He shouldn't have come out. Yeah. You drive on those streets now. There's no kids in those streets. No, that's just it. I don't know where they went.

When I went to New York, this last time, we took the long route home one night. I was like, wow, my neighborhood looks like. And in my neighborhood, they got kids. cameras. Oh yeah, everywhere. Everywhere. My neighbor in Jersey, if me, you meet up on a corner within six minutes, a cop will be on that corner.

That's what we're doing that. Yeah, yeah. Like, that's the... There's cameras. In Manhattan, you walk around Manhattan, you're not, you're never off camera. You are constantly on a camera somewhere. And then with the stuff that most people don't know

about the facial recognition scanners, your plate scanners, drive into New York City, your plate is automatically red. And everything's run. There's a record of everywhere you've been, everything you do. And I love how, like, early on, I remember Easy Pass when I first came out. Everybody's like, oh, this is fucking awesome. I don't have to wait on that long line pitch the change in. And you're like, oh, it's convenient. I like that. And then you read the first story about a guy getting a divorce and they used Easy Pass records to see where he was going to girlfriend's house and whatnot.

And you're like, oh, oh, so they could use this. So they present you something as a convenience. Like it'll always, whatever fucks you over is presented as a convenience. Like Alexa, that thing you're talking about. You put it in your house. And it's not a magical, you know, all the answers aren't in there. When you talk, it goes somewhere. And then it comes from somewhere else and then it talks.

So everything you say is on record somewhere to be used after it's subpoenaed for a case or a criminal case. Your phone itself, exactly. That little hole right there. There it's watching you. They're listening to you. And it sounds paranoid. You are.

But they're watching you. I can't be paranoid. I haven't looked out of window in years. You understand me? I hear you. I can't be paranoid. I know through all this shit. But it's always presented as a convenience and that's what fucks you.

Listen, when you go on a plane until this day, I think those mirrors are too away. Oh, you think? I wouldn't. Why not? You have an investment in that plane. What if somebody's in there strapping a bomb on? That's true. And yeah, yeah, you're in the bathroom.

In Vegas, I know for a fact, one of the girls I graduated high school and went to Vegas for a honeymoon in 85. In 92, they went to the polka. It was like everybody does from Jersey for their anniversary. They put the porno on, and it was them fucking on their wedding night in Vegas. They sued the fucking whatever for $3 million or something like that. You don't know. I don't trust nobody.

I heard you do coconut bathroom in Vegas. I had a casino. They got you on the table. take. Yeah, yeah. By the time you hit the fucking jackslot, they're coming up to you, batting you down.

You have to assume. Yeah, yeah. You have to assume in today's world. All that shit. You're being watched. Everything. And you're walking off in front of the computer, and you got a finger up your ass.

Somebody's watching. Someone's whacking off to you with a finger. Somebody's looking at you. Look at this poor bastard. We got them now. What about that new Facebook camera that follows you around the room? And all those commercials.

Yeah, they, oh, great. It shows them like, oh, Oh, we can follow. We can watch you as you're cooking. And this is a good thing. Like, they present it like a good thing. It's like, no, I don't think so.

No. I don't think it's fucking good. I don't touch nothing. Yeah, yeah. Mind your business. I'm very happy with what I got. I don't need to fucking touch another thing on Facebook or another button. That thing.

I don't want to talk to every day. Somebody wants to be my friend on message. Listen, you got a better chance of getting raped by 10 fucking Puerto Ricans than fucking being my friend on message. I don't want to talk to nobody. If you don't have my number, go fuck yourself. Yeah. If I see a number come up.

I don't pick it up. No. I don't pick it up. I don't pick it. I don't know nothing. I don't know fucking nothing. And it better be a pretty important name. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know nothing. My phone could ring for a text message as I gave up. Like if you text me, it don't have a $100 bill attached to it. I don't get it. I don't get it. So I better have a yardstick pop out. So how do people get in touch with it?

You better call me, cocksucker. And a name better come up. Morse code, whatever the fuck you got. What do you got going on, brother? You got to show you. Now, you do the show every day? I do it Monday through Thursday because I was like, I want a three-day weekend. And I'm the boss, so fuck it.

I gave myself a three-day weekend permanently. And who's your co-host? Dave Landau. He's a young comic out of Detroit and just a funny fucking guy. And he just, he knows the show. He knows how to be a good co-host. He's fucking just a really funny guy. Where's Michael Bouchetti?

We have Mike on every so often. Send them my love. He's fantastic. I used to do comedy with Mike back in 93 at the New York Comedy Club and he used to have a joke. I work at the bakery.

I'm in charge of the Tards. That was one of his jokes. I loved them after that. That's hilarious. He's a funny guy, man. Fucking hilarious. Yeah, yeah. He intimidated me back then

when he said that joke. I'm like, that's a great joke. I work in a bakery. They put me in charge of the Tarts. That's hilarious. Yeah, he's a good shit, man. Yeah, we're just having a good time. It's all about freedom of speech, which, you know, I'm a 100% absolutist with freedom of speech.

You can see, I'm a communist. I don't know. Get the fuck out of it. I love it. I love it. I think if someone's offended by something, either don't listen to it or, you know, do you want to debate it or you want to discuss it, whatever. But to silence people in this day and age is one of the most dangerous things you can do. I don't care how repugnant you find people's speech, what they're talking about, because hate speech in and of itself is this vague term where if you talk to do different people, they'll think it's two different things.

So I am for 100% open whatever anyone wants to say and then discuss it. So it's not just silencing people or calling people something and ruining their credibility. Everyone gets an opportunity to speak openly and honestly. And there's not many places you could do that anymore. And things like this, personally doing your own digital broadcast, it gives an opportunity for people to just say whatever the fuck they want, which is, I think, gold at this point. I can't find that anywhere. Keep the cop and the beautiful girl over there.

That's so stoned, she had to use a hazel. Oh, my God. She did a hit, and she needed an inhaler right after. Look at my eyes. I'm a lot of things. She's good. I'm a lot of things. Keep the cop.

I'm a lot of things. I burglarized, I kidnapped, I sold drugs, I did drugs. One thing I can tell you I am not, not by a hair in my body, because I'll break it down for you right now as a racist. I'll make fun of Arabians. Of course. And I had called the attorney Blackula before, but I will break down periods in my life

where every nationality has helped me and I've never forgotten. Yep. That's just a sense of humor I have. And in today's world, they will fucking court justice you and hang you for saying something to be little. I can never be racist. I'm Spanish. I love the word speck. I think it's one of the funniest words I've ever heard in my life.

When I first came from Cuba, they called me a spick. I would laugh my ass. That's hilarious. You know, I would laugh my ass off. When I heard all those fucking sayings growing up, you know, know potatoes or you know grease balls yeah yeah you laugh you know now it's it's something and nobody really gets offended no one you know my last question I said this you know who's never got you know who's never raised their hands the poor Polish

people they made books about these people and not one Polack has ever come on TV and said never again right right we're suing because if you go to any fucking book chain They got a hundred Polish books We never made a submarine With a screen tour You bastards Yeah all those jokes Why wasn't the Pope

Why wasn't Jesus Polars Because they couldn't find three wise men You know all those fucking jokes You know all those jokes And not one fucking Polack Has ever raised his hand and said You know half of our generation Is born retarded

Because of what you people have done to us You fucking mocked this not one Yeah it's amazing people don't understand the humor in it like like under the context of humor and jokes whether it's stand-up or broadcasting whatever it is there's a context to something being funny and being racial or sexual or something and people want to take that and lump it in with as if a politician was giving a speech and came out with something comedy is a different animal and and if you're doing racial humor it doesn't mean you're a racist It's just the way it is. We find shit hilarious. I've done some of the most repugnant jokes and bits and segments with Jim Norton. It's hilarious.

We sat there talking about Lacey Peterson and Scott Peterson. And he murdered his pregnant wife and dumped her body in the ocean. You couldn't fathom that there's something funny to come out of that. But we were playing a tribute song that some idiot wrote about her and her baby on the donation. And me and Jimmy were laughing so hard at this and making up our own words that was so heinous and repugnant. And we were crying laughing. Now, of course, you look at the situation and think there's nothing funny that could come out of that. But in the proper context, I'm sorry there is.

You can make jokes about things. And race is the same thing. Sexuality is the same thing. It doesn't mean you're advocating beating someone up when you make a joke about, you know, the 50s, a husband. and dinner's cold, so she's got two black eyes. There's just a part of our humor that thinks unbelievably heinous stuff can be funny. And to think we can weed that out

because we're so amazing now in 2018 is bullshit. Funny's funny. The reason why I'm here with you guys is because I didn't kill myself as a kid. I found my mother dead when I was 16 years old. And I'm going to tell you something, right fucking now that would i cracked the first joke with the first two minutes of picking up her arm jesus like i cracked the joke to myself i alleviated the pain yeah by 25 minutes by

cracking that joke that's what you're doing i got left back in the seventh grade and for three years i didn't tell my mother i forged my report cards i would walk a different way every day eventually I would have had to sit my mother down one day and tell her my I got left back in the seventh grade she was already starting to ask me what colleges are you looking at oh my god you still had a year to so I still had a year I was a sophomore she thought I was a junior oh jeez so I had a year to tell her you put it all that's brilliant I went downstairs I found her picked up her arm it was purple I called the cops I said 911 my mother's non-responsive what's

son of the name was I hung up and I remember looking at her going, I knew she'd never find out like I got a back. And I still remember that moment. Yeah, yeah. There was no comedy in mind. I didn't have a dream of being a comic. That's how I relieve that

moment. That's how we do it. I was talking to a friend of money. He drives a cab and we drove past the Chinese restaurant. We would dine and dash out of this Chinese restaurant. It was called a Mai Chi. We would dine and dash out of this motherfucker once a month. We had the one bartender who would just give

them five, let him his karate chop him. What the fuck? There was a Chinese bartender. You gave him a five and you go, come here. And he bent his neck over and you go, ah. No, no, no, this is racist. For a fiver. That's great. He would let you

karate chop him. And I never forget one night, me and my three guerrilla buddies were in him. Me, Richie Vanek, this guy, Bob Bant and Didi Kintero. They called Diyahoeira. a man. I was thinking about the karate shop for $5. We had to be 17.

And they knew. We walked in their lathe. They knew. They had the zone defense played against us. They knew we were going to eat and run out of there. And I'll never, because the kid said it to me, he's a cab driver now, Didi Cantero. And they had him pick me up and take me down to the cemetery to bring flowers to my

mother since we were friends as a kid. He knows the road and the whole thing. But we were talking about the time we ran out of the Mike Eye. and how we hit the front door and the door was closed and we turned around all the Chinese were there and Dini had the check

and he threw it up in the end and he goes where's the dishes it was just like instantly like there was no pause oh that's great there was nothing it was a way to alleviate

detention right right yeah sometimes something happens and you write a joke and it's not it's gonna work for you on stage it's gonna kill for you but it's also

period joke it's only going to work for a certain period you put it up on Twitter it's a great fucking joke and you'll get three people you know and then I like I tell everybody a month or two ago did November rain was the number one video they hit a billion views on YouTube well take a look at they got a billion views but 111.1 million people hate it who are those 1.1 million fucking jerkoffs you know what I'm saying yeah yeah so we live in this weird contrast right now. I don't even know how I got on this subject, but it doesn't go to the fucking matter.

But there are also, one or two people can have an incredibly influential voice in your career in your life. Like, oh, outrage. People were outraged. No, a person was outraged. And they wrote

emails and texts to other people who never would have heard the original thing that this guy was outraged about. And now they are helping this one person with their outrage to tell people to get this guy fired or suspender or whatever it is. And that to me is fucking despicable. And listen, Megan Kelly, he just got fired. They're going to give a 30 mil. That bitch is going to have the baddest podcast studio you've ever seen your life.

Air conditioning for your pussy. Yeah, yeah. A funnel for your asshole. If I was Megan Kelly, I'd build a $10 million podcast facility and have everything there. blue face, white face, green face, yellow face. I'd have blackface playing the drums. Who gives a fuck? You just gave a $65 million.

Is that how you punish her? Really, by giving her $30 million? Poor girl. Poor fucking girls. And she'd listen, whatever she said, obviously she stumbled her words or whatever. Whatever the fuck happens. You know, we just cannot be, that's why I wasn't really,

I have a daughter. You know, I was raised by a single one. I love women, you know. But you know what, man? If on the way out tonight I grab your ass, say something to me. Don't tell me 30 years from, I'm married and I have a kid, but I grabbed your ass one night in front of fucking agony. You know, if I was there, you grab my ass,

and I've had suicidal thoughts that says, really? You're still living, you're still sucking. Yeah, yeah. And you're going to come to me and tell me, you know what I'm saying? Because it wasn't the problem at the time. It wasn't. It's so fucked up. That cannot happen because that means all of us.

When Richie the cop was a cop, I'm sure when he was a rookie one night, Richie the cop, some fucking Puerto Rican spinning Richie or tried to stab Richie, and Richie told the other cop, hey, stop the spic. You know what I'm saying? You know, grab the spick, he's going to stab me. It doesn't mean he hates spicks. Of course. But he said, grab the spick, you know, whatever, it was a speck.

You know, he was under fire. You know, spick shooting. Whatever. It's the Bronx. Much, much. Bougaloo pills. APB out on a spick. I cannot come out right now when Richie's going to become mayor after he's retired from the Queens

Police Department and just come out and go, you know what? When me and Richie were fucking in 1982, we made an arrest and Richie said the word spick. Really? Can't do it. what makes you think you could come on and say that against Rich. Yeah, yeah. You have, I hope you have an iPhone. You know, I hope you got it on tape because you're just going to look bad.

Yeah. And on top of that, even if Richie said that, guess what? Richie's wife is Puerto Rican. So even if he felt that way when he was in 1982, in 1989, he did a fucking tutzolutes and a quailute, and when then he had some Puerto Rican suck his dick, and he dumped that Irish chick with the dirty feet. You know what I'm saying? He told the Irish, bro, take a hike.

That's it. This Puerto Rican polish my helmet for 12 hours straight. And all she wants is the grandmother to move in. You know what I'm saying? All I got to do is move the grandmother in. They all just look at it like it might as well happen yesterday. I want this person punished because he did this 20 years ago. And you know who's in charge?

That little fucking half a fagg that Ronan fucking Pharaoh. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, when you see the picture of what's his father's name? fucking a Woody Allen. Woody Allen and Coochee. Yeah. With the fucking sitting there, it's the most disgusting thing

you've ever seen in your life. But God forbid, nobody said none for 30 fucking years. And that Ronan Farrow grew up in that fucking disgust that he grew up in because it really is a disgusting fucking situation.

Yeah. If it was anybody else, they would have thrown him under the fucking jail. Now people are getting mad. Well, now it's too late. He's 100.

Who gives the fuck? Now, yeah. He's had a fucking chick suckers dix as he was 12. He imported a little Chinese chick the sucker's dick but I'm the bad one they put me in jail for kidnapping you believe that Richard the cop

they all want a movie a role in his next movie so no one says shit about him all those award shows why don't they get up there and go and I want to point out Woody Allen now they're all full of shit I love you brother I'm happy I love you man thank so much this is

you brought Richie the cop with you this fucking awesome I've left of America with you I'm laughing my ass off here it was a great time it's great nice vibe that studio's great you guys are hilariously funny man I love it. We don't fuck around. Thanks. You don't. Anything you want to promote anything that's going on in your life? Just compoundmedia.com. That's my

little network that I got going on. Compound 20 if you go to compoundmedia.com I'm putting compound 20. You get 20% off. Keith make sure I say that. And the book is available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon.com, compoundmedia.com. It's permanently suspended is the name of the book. That's about it. Really excited to be out here. the last 20 years?

All unbelievable, insane shit that we've done in the past, yeah, 20 or so years. Well, listen, man, I'm happy you found the time. Thank you, man. Keep the Copka schedule, special 11 o'clock. We will.

You out in New York, man. We'll do it early. Hell yeah. Thank you very much for coming on and taking the time. I love you, brother. Cole, I love you, man. Thanks.

All the fucking heroes. It's awesome. The last heroes are radio. We've got to stick together and duke it out, you know? Fuck, yeah. Thank you very much. Thanks, man.

All right. And don't forget. yet, I want to thank Anthony Coomier, Keith the cop, and the beautiful blonde for coming on the show today. Don't forget this in Portland is sold out. LaHoy is sold out. I got December 12th at the Timbler. Brewing company. That's right. Up there in beautiful Bakersfield. And then December 27th through the 30th, I'm at the Oxnod Improv. That's all I got the rest of the year. All right. That's it. And that's that. What are you going to say? I was going to say it's Levity Live. Levity Live, whatever the fuck it is. There's only one club

up there and Falkanax, now. Find it. Go to levylive.com right now and get the tickets. All right, what do you bother me for? The show is brought to you by 23 and me. From now to December 23rd, 23 and me DNA kits are on sale. 23 and me will help you understand what your DNA can tell you about you and your family's story. It's named for the 23 pairs of chromosomes that make up your DNA.

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And get 10% off your order delivered right to your fucking door. Who's better than you? All right, I want to thank 23 and me.com. And I want to thank Honet again. Plus, Anthony Culmia, the Flying Jew and your Uncle Joey. I'll see you motherfuckers Thursday morning. I'll see the rest of you savages up in Portland.

Thursday night, tip-top Magoo. Felicia Michaels with me. We're going to fucking burn that town down. Get ready to smoke some fucking reefer. Lee, kick this fucking mule. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks.

your heart some somebody twice as smart as I a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me who leave you to learn that misery loves comfort me wait and see I mean I want to be around to see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits let's see if a puzzle fits so far and that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet as I sit there applauding from a front row seat when somebody breaks your heart like you