The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #641 - Jake Ellenberger with a surprise visit from Kate Quigley

Episode Date: December 6, 2018

Jake Ellenberger, a retired UFC fighter and Marine, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. We also have a special visit from Kate Quigley. This podcast is brought to you by: 23andme.com - 23andMe is a DNA testing service that can offer you insights on to how your DNA can influence your weight, sleep quality and much more. Order your 23andMe health and ancestry kit at 23andMe.com/church before December 25th for a special discount.    Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/muffler for 15% off of your portable bidet order.   Recorded live on 12/05/2018.
    

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Thursday, December 6th, or whatever the fuck is. It don't matter. A little Led Zappa. Kick that, Muley. Not so what? This is fucking Led Zapin' the A-Day. What?

Got Jake Ellenberger. The Christ Killer And your uncle Joey Coming at you Oh shit What's the story, Jake Ellenberg? What the fuck you've been? I got you in a witness relocation plan

Up in Omaha after What's up, buddy? You look great Thank you. It's good to see you guys Good to see you, man It was great to see you in Irvine I reached out Yeah, no, I appreciate that I know when you're a dad

A night out, two hours out Yeah As always And you don't really want to leave. Like, I hate leaving my wife in a lurch. Do you have other family down here to help your wife out? Not really. You know, we got her brother and sister-in-law to live down here,

but all my family's back in Omaha. So not a lot. But, yeah, no. McKenzie, she's super mom-no. She's amazing. No, they have no choice. They have no choice. They really do.

I mean, they just, I give my wife props. My wife is done at 8.30. and I get it. There's some nights I feel a little alienated, but I got over that years ago. It's tough. It's tough. I know.

You know, even when I sit with Mercy, three, four hours, when I leave there, like your head's spinning. Last Saturday, I was on the road. I spoke to my wife. My wife left the house at 9.30 in the morning, and she didn't get back until 6.30. She went to three parties.

Damn. That's tough, Lee. watching your kids yelling, get them in the car. When I'm around, it sits tough and we go to those parties. But I enjoy them. You enjoy it. It's crazy because I used to think, and I still do think I want kids, but whenever I see parents with little kids, like out and I'm like,

I'm nowhere near ready for that. That's a different kind of commitment. Here's the thing that nobody's ever ready. Nobody's ever ready. You don't get a phone call that says, hey, you're going to have a kid February 8th, 2019. Nobody says that to you. So, you know, you meet a girl, you start dating, you get her stabbing, you get along, you talk, you know, she tells you she's knocked up.

What do you do? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? You think about your father? Exactly. And you think about his work ethics and how you made it work. You look at your life and you figure it the fuck out, you know. And then you have to, what it really did with me was it taught me about time.

I knew about time years ago, but once you have a child, you really learn about time management. Oh, no doubt. Because you want to spend most of you as much time as you can, just playing with them. It's just you can't put it on somebody. You know, there's a line in the Godfather. when he smacks the guy that's supposed to be Sinatra, and he says something stupid when I was 10, I heard it. He goes, any man who does to spend time with their family is not really a man.

And I thought about that. You don't know how many times I'm sitting at a fucking swim class. And I'm thinking to myself, what the fuck am I doing here? I could be right to joke. But in the middle of that thought, your kid will come up from swimming and look over at you for like that visual type of support and that's why you're there

you know you have to show up to those things you have to be a part and it's tough for some families we're living in a world right now where fuck some parents have three jobs they have to

yes there's a guy who I do open mics with who's almost exactly my age and has twin five year old girls I'm like, wow, that is. You know, whatever your dream is, now you've got to pay the mortgage. Remember Houston, Alexander? Let me Houston. Oh, yeah.

Where's he fighting now? Do you know if he's still fighting? I don't know. I actually don't know if he's still fighting. I remember that he fought twice and he knocked some people out. And I didn't know how I felt the bottom. I didn't know if I was a fan of him. You know, whatever. I was just watching M.MA. But then I saw a one-on-one on him that he raised his kids.

I guess him and the wife broke up or something. So he would have to get up at six or five, something crazy, train for an hour, and then make breakfast, get the kids ready, and he drove a UPS truck, which, as we know, is no fun. fucking cushy job. And then he would get home, feed the kids, bathe them, read them books, put them to bed. And then he would go to the gym at 10 o'clock at night. 9 o'clock at night for an hour and a half or something trained.

I gained a whole new level of respect to the guy. You know, you have to look at a guy and go, wow. It looks like he's a trainer and he has, I think he has a, like, a radio personality. so maybe he's not, he's retired now. You know, I mean, think about that life, Lee. Think about you. I remember Josh Wolf. When Josh Wolf, it was a time Josh Wolf was raising three kids and doing comedy by himself.

His wife had had problems and she had to go away for a while. And it was me and Jonathan that would Josh Wolf's help with Joshua. Joshua will tell you that I watched this kid. and I watched his kids because I couldn't let somebody do that all by like he did everything he cooked he did dishes he did laundry he vacuumed you know whenever you went over to Josh Wolfe's house he was fucking working you didn't just talk to him man to man you know why you were talking to him he was cooking or washing dishes or so after a while you pick up a vacuum and help him out or whatever you know what do you I mean, what do you think about someone? I was thinking about Derek Lewis who, like, said in interviews for his last fight, that he's more, he's there to fight

to, like, support his family, but he's not, it's not as much of an art. Like, what do fighters look down on people who aren't in it as, like, a martial art? Like, what is that? It's hard to say. I mean, you know, there's so many mouth breathers in this world, and the fight culture is just,

It's just very narcissistic, very, I don't know how to explain it, but as far as, I mean, I get it. You have to support a family at a certain point. You had to break fucking Jake with like a deep question. You couldn't keep it to like questions. I'm sorry. Boxing gloves do you use, the shit like that? What type of jump rope do you use? You see the kid, when poor kids going through fucking out.

You know, in other words, he got hit to head with the same thing Kennedy got hit with. Except he's alive. And you want to hit him with compliments. I didn't think it was in. I'm sorry. I apologize. You see, he's struggling. He should leave poor Jake alone for a minute.

I'm going to absorb what's going on in the room. You know, your son is not around. Sometimes you leave your kids. And you want to live it up a little bit. Now you want to get in the beep with him. You got to warm him up, but you've got to kiss him in the neck first. You got to lick him in the ear. You got to tell him sweet nothing.

You want to, you want to stick a finger in his ass. No wonder you're single. You're fucked. No fucking gaming skills. Keep it simple. Like, do you like hand reps? You know, shit like that. You know what I'm saying?

Do you spit out a bucket? Do you spit outside the ring? Shit like that. Okay. It's the fight game. When we got here, we were comparing the fight game to the comedy game.

And then you say, well, it's two different things. I did comedy for 10 years and I never got punch in the face, well, then you're doing comedy wrong. I got punched in the face every night for the first six fucking years. Oh, my God.

Or at least it felt like it. It felt like it. It's the same thing. A beating is a beaten. Whether it's emotional or a punch to the face. There were some nights I'd rather just get a punch to the face and drive home and know that I'm just a fucking asshole. Then do comedy and get a humiliated

in front of 200 people in the fucking rule. Think about it. Yeah. If I would come up to you in an alleyway and smack in the face, nobody sees it. That's a lot different than getting smacked in the face in front of your girlfriend. I don't know. I feel like I'd rather bomb. Oh, yeah, no, it's the same fucking thing.

So, you know, when you talk about Derek Lewis, yeah, I do comedy or feed my fucking family now. Yeah, absolutely. But I still respect it as an art. Right. I definitely respect it as an art. And this is against Derek Lewis. I like Derek Lewis. It just...

I see it a little bit in comedy. People look down on you, always hear about like the road hacks or this and that, and some people just, it's more of a job. Maybe they don't love it as much or whatever the reason,

but it's just more of a job to them than an art. Listen, man. Last week I went to Portland, Oregon, and I was doing helium. Thank you for coming out, by the way. I've had a great time in Portland. It's a beautiful city,

a big shout out to poor Kno, fucking Mexican restaurant. One of the best I've eaten in the country. You know, I used to go to Portland in the late 90s, and it was a fucking dark cave of death. Now it's alive and kicking, you know, civilization up there, so thank you. When I went to Portland last week,

there's two comedy clubs. There's a popular comedy club, Harvey's. No, a popular comedy club, Helium, where I played. Then there's, like, a lesser room. That's like a little, they don't really hire out side of certain budgets called Harvey's. And a guy was there, and now I'm too high. I can't think of David Crow.

Me and David Crow started together. In fact, the year I did the Seattle Comedy Competition, he fucking won it. This guy had more talent in one finger than I had in my whole fucking body. And now, when I saw him, I gave him a big hug, and I was happy to see David Crow. But I learned something.

and no matter what we're doing we're both still part of the same army were both still comics I respect them whether he was doing big films with the rock or I respect him if he's doing circuits in Seattle

or whatever I still have the utmost respect for him when I left you I was happy to see him I was happy he came by and said hello that's a 20 year relationship I've known him 22 fucking years Wow. And we both took different paths.

He had a family. He had, you know, close ties to his, and he didn't want to leave Seattle. Me, I was a bum. I got chased out of every place I lived at, so I settled here, you know. So for everybody, everybody has a different situation and everybody has a different motivation

on why they do something. And it's easy to judge someone else, I think. So it's nice to, it's nice. to hear that not everyone does. Well, why, you know, the minute in fighting, writing, comedy, the minute where you start getting angry,

you stop getting angry at other people's successes is when you really grow as an artist. As much as I hate calling myself, an artist, which I'm not. I'm just a dirty comic that does an art that works on an art. I am not an artist. Most people consider themselves.

But when you're an MMA guy, you're an artist. You're an artist, and you express yourself in different ways. You know, I can't get an arm bar when you have a guy on and hear these guys are getting on bars with no fucking t-shirts on and shit like that.

it was a I do a circuit training class at the place where Joey does Jiu-Jitsu and he always has something Jiu-Jitsu on the TV and so I'm hoping that he he'll we will never start the class I watch it and he was it was a documentary about the Gracies and how they kept going over to Japan and like fighting one guy and like each different brother would fight him and one guy had like an hour long match like it's it's crazy how for like a brawler you'd be like oh like heavy weights they just punch and the fight can be over in six seconds

but for something like jujitsu it's it is an art and you have to like it you might spend 10 minutes trying to get your leg in one spot it's pretty interesting to watch it's everything's an art you know

boxing is an art when you watch the when you watch a true pure box or box it's an art how they trick you how they trick you how they know if I throw a fucking right hook

at Jake. I really know how Jake's going to react. And I'm going to keep taking Jake in that direction. And once he nods, I'm going to get him with an uppercut. It's an art. It's a fucking art. And it's interesting that we, it is

an art, but like I'm just thinking about, we were talking about kids. My mom would never, like I never watched the WWE. It was too, she said it was too violent. But it's, there's a different, like, it's interesting that people are looking at it now and looking past the violence and looking at, like, the skill. Like, that's, that's, it's as much of a sport as any other sport. When I sign a contract to get in the ring with somebody and fight organized with a ref and scorekeepers and whatever, I don't really consider it violence.

I consider it two people agreeing to fight each other for money. violence, I don't know, is when I watch a movie, when I watch Narcos, and it hits the guy in the head with an ashtray. That's violence, you know what I'm saying? So it's an art. Absolutely. It's an art that you express yourself. You know, when you watch movie tie, a movie tie bout.

The guy just doesn't walk up to the ring. He has like a fucking thing, and there's a snake charmer behind him. And he goes up and he does a little dance. Yeah. And he expresses himself with that dance before he fights to show you what neighbor he comes from or what village he comes from or whatever the fuck. Have you ever seen the Haka that they do, the Samoans do in Hawaii? No.

Like football teams do it. It's like I get choked up sometimes. Yeah. It's pretty, it's intense. They, like, they have, like, the entire, it's like, I don't know if it's a tribe or what, but they all do this, like, they're just yelling and, like, stomping. And, like, there was one video of, like, a school doing it. a teacher that was retiring.

And it's, it's, it's, I don't know if it's a song or, it's not, it's not a song, it's like, it's a chant, but it's just it's, it's, it's wild to see. I'm so I'll hope to see if I can find a good one. No, please. Okay. All right, never mind. What's going on with you, Jake Ellenberger? Talk to me, you bad motherfucker. Are you retired?

What are you going to do? What's your life about now? I'm never, I mean, the door's not, the door's not closed for, you know, we'll see I'm not yeah right now I'm not I'm not planning on fighting anytime soon so but it's always weird you sometimes always sometimes the offers come when you know we don't expect it so it's gotta be still I got my dude I got monster feed dog and you got mouse to feed it's a different type of pressure yeah you know

I go to Japan and fight fucking some dude that's an Uber driver And he's got the Grim Reaper on his back. But there's so many options as an ex-fighter that you have. It is pretty cool. Like, because Brent is an ex-fighter. I don't know if he fought in the UFC, but he fought. And it just, it's cool. I mean, it's cool to be able to learn from, like, an expert.

Like, if you get to be a professional fighter at any level, you're an expert, I think. like just watching these like because it's amazing watching like i like watching the embedded and i see them like working out i'm like there's even if i got in shape there's no amount of shape that i could do the workouts that they're doing like it said like the highest level that's pretty fucking amazing to watch i like it i like watching the whole uh development program like the whole I love watching fighters

you for example you always grew as a fighter you know you always did something from match to match that was something different you know I think that sometimes fighters are like old comics they depend on certain jokes

and they get too dependent on those jokes and that's what you know I never want. I never want to go, well, when I fight Jake, I got to look for his right hand. No, I want the three guys in the room to say no. Not only that, he's got a mean triangle and he's got a mean fucking guard and he's got a nasty guillotine. I want to be known for having a couple of fucking weapons.

It's great to have a hard punch, but guess what? 78% of the UFC, they hit hard. That's why they're in the fucking UFC. So your mind is still the strongest weapon. Your mind is still, you have to say to yourself, I'm going to go into this fight, and I'm going to make sure Jake doesn't hit me. He doesn't touch my face.

I'm going to keep moving and bobbing and weaving. It's a weird mindset. But an art is an art, is an art. We should have not done those bonn hits tonight. Those bonn hits are uncalled. what you say I'm a really bad influence I do I apologize you are you like that little fucking devil on my shoulder like a poor Jake I wasn't I wasn't expecting that no this it's 32% THC what you think it's 32.6c what you think it's 32.69

wow 32.69 this is direct for fucking those angels he comes in he comes in every week and every week we have to break records he said this was lamb's breath and they they don't make it anymore the last of the I I tell you what they're eating to hear. You know what I'm saying? Whatever it takes for you to smoke some fucking reef. No, because I was watching the new narcos. And the new narcos, they talk about a weed called Sensamia.

And I remember being a young man and the three weeds we had on the East Coast because, yeah, they were moving all those tons. But everybody on the West Coast was getting them. The East Coast wasn't getting that weed. We were getting Colombian red or Panama Red, Columbia. be in gold and a weed called lambs bread from Jamaicans the lambs bread was so fucking goodly it was so fucking good and there would be 12 spots in the city who sold it like 181st street 188 the amsterdam were they all Jamaican they were all a little Jamaican spots nice and every

once in a while they would get a batch so let's say I bumped into Jake and we smoked the join I'm like, Jake, turn that off. It's too strong. Where'd you get that from? I just got it on an hour going to 183rd Street. I'd get on a fucking bus. And shoot over to 1008th Street and buy a quarter of it. That was always the place when I was growing up was that one day, I'll go to Jamaica and I'll smoke weed there.

But, I mean, you were smoking it in New Jersey. I didn't smoke it until high school. I didn't give a fuck about smoking in Jamaica, Mars. I don't give a fuck if I smoke it in your bathroom. I just want to be high. I never been one of those people. I had to go, I went to Jamaica, and it was the weirdest thing. I was shooting a movie.

I got fired. I was shooting this really awful fucking movie, and I knew it was going to be awful when they didn't give me a script before I flew. I kept asking for a script. They were like, ah, it's not really ready yet. And when I got down, they had a limited amount of money. And I was, I couldn't wait to smoke Jamaican weed. Like, I'm like, I can't wait.

There was two weeks on this movie. And the first thing I did was, I said, I asked the cab driver. And he goes, they told me not to buy weed from the cab drivers. So once you get to the hotel, at the hotel, buy it at the hotel from the bus boy or something.

Oh, smart. Okay. So I check in, boom, boom, boom, boom. I make eye contact with the bellman. I have like five dollars. I go, you're going to walk me to the room? He goes, yeah, I'm going to walk to the room. I said, listen, where's the guy? the fucking shit that killed Bob Marley

He goes, you want weed? I go, yeah He dropped me off in my room, dog. You know, this motherfucker That's all I said to him Is I want some weed, and he goes, okay, give me some time, you're gonna be here? I go, yeah, he goes, my name is whatever,

Jamal, I'm Joey, He fucking left. Lee, it wasn't even 10 minutes. I got a knock on my door. He goes, may I come in? And I'm like, yeah. He fucking comes in, he goes in his pocket lead. There's no baggy.

There's no brown bag. There's nothing. He pulled out a fucking, I'm holding my fingers out for you. People listening. It had to be an eight or nine inch torpedo bud. Holy shit. Just one bud? That was ripped off the fucking tree.

Like it was just ripped. Like, he just ran to the plantation and robbed it from somebody, wherever they grow weed. I don't know if it's a plantation. I don't know what it's called. I'm not here. and saw my buddy. I'm not making Kelly.

All I know is that he went and picked it up somewhere. The weed fields. And he won it like 40 fucking bucks. And I don't remember if I didn't have the cash. I don't know. My point was that that's how fast it was. He left.

I had rolling papers. I fucking broke up the weed. I fucking smoked it running the balcony. And I got fucked up. Have you ever been so high I think they have to give you like eye drops on the set because like I'm thinking about my eyes. Oh yeah. Like they must,

your eyes must get. Oh yeah. I do that. I don't know. Listen, I'm one step ahead of you. I do the fucking eye drops. And since I was 35,

I put the fucking wrinkle shit under my eyes. What's that? Like a wrinkle stuff so your eyes won't get wrinkles so you don't look Chinese. I'm way ahead of you. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? I'm a professional. I can't be walking around looking like I'm cheating fucking Chinese. That's what I figured.

And you're a snoop dog, you go walk around looking like you got in the head with a hammer. When you're a fat fucking comic, you can't walk around looking like you're high all the time. So I would put Vizene in my eyes, which is not the best thing in the world, you know? I can't do it. I'm petrified with things going on my eyes. Really? Yeah, my mom used to have to sit on me when I used to have to get eyedrops. What the fuck is wrong with it?

I don't like eyedrops. You still don't use them? No, I haven't used it by myself. I don't think ever. so when I got that stye in that stupid hot tub and who put the I'd have to put cream in and you'd hold down you'd hold down your eyelid

and then put it in it was a I talked to Steve Simone because of La Jolla I was like should I bring sheets he's like Sebastian did so I'm gonna bring my own I'm sure it's gonna be fine

it'd be nice but I uh I have bad luck with with shared beds I get every time every time I'm near him I get a stye the day I'm gonna see him he could be gone for a week

And on the sixth day, I'll get a star. Just because he got tortured me. That's when she got an Airbnb check. Look at an Airbnb chick. They killed. What? Fucking whatever. She went to Airbnb and the security guard killed her.

They just identified the body today. She was missing. I was talking to a comic last night who Airbnbed his place when he was home for two months. And he said that when he got back, they had broken the locks. And there were two hookers living in there doing heroin with guys. And there was blood all over his wall. So yeah, I think you're right. Probably don't do an Airbnb.

Like he was renting the room. Yeah, he was running his apartment out here. Fuck that shit, bro. I don't want nobody in my fucking house. Me either. You know, Jake needs a place to stay for a week. You need a place to stay for a week. You're always welcome.

But a stranger paying $66. And how creepy are you that you want to stay in some guy's house and share his tub? I can't fucking stand that shit. I've never liked that idea since day one. Yeah, and I heard they're making more money than hotels now. What, Airbnb? Yeah.

People love them. People feel more comfortable. I don't. I like hotels. Some people like. Some people really don't like the feel of hotels. Really? You know, and there's people who, now I bring more stuff.

Like I bring my kids teddy. I'd bring my daughter's teddy bears. Really? Yeah. Whatever she gives me, I take it all out and I put it on the bed. You know, I don't bring a picture or anything. But I knew people who I went on the road with who you call them. In fact, I just watched a documentary.

It was the one about Leonard Skinner. And they were talking about that they had a girl on the crew that you'd be at a hotel now and she'd call you go to her room and she'd rearrange the furniture she'd hang posters on the room she would burn candles just to give it that lived in not that sanitary four seasons feel i mean don't get me wrong it's very nice to stay at the four seasons when you're a starving comic it's nice to stay at motel six right you know but uh i just always When my mother died, guys, I lived on so many fucking couches. I stayed in so many's people extra room.

I stayed in so many people's garages. I stayed on so many people that once I was done with it, I was done with it. You know, for the first 16 years of comedy, every time I did something, I would have to do it and stay at Lee's house. and one day you just get sick of me. Like, I can't do it anymore. Now I can never stay at somebody's house. Jake loves me.

He's my brother. But Jake's wife's going to say that. And why is Joey up at two? Why is it? You know, maybe Jake's has one of those alarms that when you open the door, the house beeps. Yeah.

You know, his wife's going to hear that all night. Me going outside and smoking dope. She's got kids. So I can't do that. You know what I'm saying? I get like when I stay at somebody's house now, now I'm forced to stay up at night because I'm not comfortable. Oh yeah?

You're not comfortable. Even if you give me my own bedroom, like you have like a spare bedroom. I'm not going to be comfortable in there. I know they're next door. I got to go pee at 3 in the morning. I got to tiptoe to the bathroom. I can't leave the pee in there. So you got to flush and say your wife.

is that. That's a weird thing that I see a lot of with the pre-fight stuff is that even for UFC fights like this like a bunch of guys in a room like when they go for when the whole camp goes

they don't each guy at the camp usually doesn't get a room. Well hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you think? The UFC gives the strength and trip this guy's own room. It's four guys to a room.

You're smelling farts. You're sniffing feet. Yeah. You're fucking smelling jock straps. You're hearing people. snore. Jesus. Yeah.

You don't know what life is to you. You're in a hotel room with four people. And there's one bed. There's one double bed. And you ask for extra pillows? And you're fighting for the fucking, you know.

You know, can you imagine that? No. But that's all part of the whole thing that toughens you up. That toughens your mental game up. That's all part of it. That adds to your frustration. What if I put you in the fucking, what if I put you in the Fred of Stairsweet?

You know what I'm saying? With a jacuzzi and a fucking big king-sized bed, you might get soft on me. I need you to stay hard. So maybe it's good that you sleep in the same bed with a guy that looks like me. That's 20, 40 years old. I mean, you're 20 and I'm your train. I'm 55. And you got to sleep next to me at night.

I'm farting. I'm scratching my balls the whole night I'm watching TV I'm scratching my balls you're watching my left hand you're just focused on my left hand because you don't want to nowhere close to you

in the bed and also in the middle of the night I hug you what happened and I'm not gay I just hug you I'm used to sleep with my wife for 20 years so I got to hug you

that sounds terrifying oh my God Planet to Jake Ellenberger Planet to Jake Ellenberger what's her report over there brother what's happening how you feeling about tacos on the way home that's the left over weed from the fucking

CIA from the Bush regime they just released it today at the funeral this is the shit that killed Bush they gotta give it to the dog pretty soon you see a little try everybody this is a service dog that dude is so happy I love sometimes whenever

we're out and he'll just give it to someone random I'm like That guy is going to have a fucked up afternoon. Like sometimes you, like sometimes you like big, ah, I left edibles and the maid's going to have them. I love what I do that. I love leaving edibles for maids. Do you think they eat it? Huh?

Have you ever heard that they ate it or anything? I don't know nothing. They even forget. They probably eat it, go home, and pass out, and they don't even know what happened. Yeah. Oh, my God. The next day they're like, what happened? I don't know.

Some guy left two cookies. They looked yummy and I ate them. Next thing you know, we woke up in an alley. I always leave food for them in the room. This last time, I left fucking beautiful sandwiches for them in the room. Beautiful fucking sandwiches. You think they ate it? I think they would just throw it away.

Fuck, yeah. Because Gino brought me sandwiches, and my brother brought me some Cuban sandwiches. Oh, nice. So I ate all the Gino sandwiches. I ate a half of a Cuban sandwich. I left there because they're Spanish maids. They're not going to eat prosciutto with mozzarella but they'll eat a fucking Cuban sandwich.

Plan it to Jake Ellenberger. Planet to Jake Ellenberger. Where are we at? What's the status? How about this? What's your favorite thing to eat after a fight? Do you have anything? That's a light one.

That's a good one. He's high. He's thinking about food right now. What's your favorite thing to eat after you fight? Mm. Whatever at that moment. Oh, it's a buy-in-the-moment thing. Yeah, I mean, steak,

Burger, fries, yeah, milkshake. Any... That must be tough. Like, especially around this time, like, if you miss Thanksgiving, because you're on a fight camp, like, fuck, you're like, I'm really fucking struggling for this.

What's the usual fight camp? Six to eight weeks? Yeah, usually eight. When you start cutting weight, at what point of the camp? Well, probably like three or four weeks out, you know, you really start to pay attention,

but I'd say, yeah, monitor more of, what you got to get to sorry and then once you get to weigh in and you weigh in you still can't you still can't go crazy

nothing's going on don't wait by nothing I'm just as high as you are that's why I'm going if you're hearing things Jake don't just don't listen to the voices this happens all the time it's just time to go away

when I got that high he called me every 60 minutes the cops call don't answer I'm finally why other cops gonna call? I would just hang up on him. And he would call me back. Why are the cops gonna call me?

Don't worry about nothing. Don't say nothing. It winds up and hang up on him. So after you weigh in, how much are you allowed to eat? You can't go out, whatever. You can't go first a big debtor because you'll get like stomach cramped and stuff.

Yeah, I mean, most... I too, a lot of... A lot of protein. Well, yeah, I mean... Don't worry about nothing, Jake. Sit there and smile. Make a believe. Every three minutes, just wave it.

So we know everything's going to be all right. Just wave, whatever you can... Can you eat before you go on the stage? Yeah, well, you eat a little bit up there, but I've never... Because to me, even still now, and you, you had a funny joke. You said you should start doing more shows. It's not that I'm like, I can't eat. I can't eat before I do a show.

I go, and then you start doing more shows. It's true. I was you. I'd be doing a show every hour on the hour at the laundry mat over there on Chandler and fucking Chandler and Laurel next to the fucking ISIS. Is this episode on the corner with the homeless guys? That's still, I went in there about three weeks ago, late at night for rolling papers. That's still an ISIS. Oh, really? The guy who I've seen there late at night plays rock music. He plays with Led Zeppelin.

He's ISIS because I rather than not. And somebody went in there and said, listen, people caught on. They know you're ISIS. So now he's trying to Americanize you. Splend the national anthem. But they got a training camp in the back. They got people doing jumping jacks and killing lambs and shit back there.

ISIS is 7-11's a scary place. I did something with our buddy Ross dude a couple weeks ago or that last weekend. He does like alley reviews and we were in an alley and a homeless guy like the end of the videos. A homeless guy like being like get the fuck out of here.

Sometimes like the that's something that I try to give them something, 50 cents, a quarter, whatever I have, but there was just one person who got stabbed. This lady got stabbed giving... You know what, I stay away from homeless people now. Really? Yeah. They're to a different level now. There's one guy around here. I give him a 20.

He's a big black guy. Shit ever gets deep. I'm up and setting them loose on a motherfucker. I know for a hundred hours he'll strangle you to death. I got him on the 20 program. I get him 100. I get sick him on you. He's got a black scarf.

He smells bad. But he smiles. He knows what my wife and kid look like. So I told him, you see him in a jam. You choke that motherfucker. Every time I see him, I put it 20. You got to see when he looks at the 20. How big his eyes get.

Oh, that's like a week of money. And he's not on drugs. He's not on drugs. He doesn't drink alcohol. He just probably went to a war. I guarantee you he's a veteran. I know for a fact he's a veteran just by his look and his demeanor. That's really sad.

He's probably a veteran. He's probably 36 or something. So he's a veteran of one of the Gulf Wars or something. I could tell. He just has mental issues. How can you not coming back from one of those things? But every time I see him, he's one of the guys I really take care of. And there's a new guy next to Lizard Meat Place.

Really? There's a new guy over there that's really interesting. Sometimes I pull over and I watch his art. Oh, he's an artist? And I gave him like 10 bucks last time I went just to look at his art. He asked me to buy a piece that was really nice. But I got enough shit at the house. I can't, if I bring some home, my wife will kill me.

Where do you get this? From a homeless dude? No, no. Right there. Instead of making the straight to Lancashim. Right, yeah. You can write down that Lizard Street. Yeah, exactly.

And pull the car right over. He's got like he's homeless. He lives there. He's got like a little art exhibit. And, you know, looking at it from, I don't know, it just made me, I saw he's black. And I saw nice white people talking to him. Like people walking past him with dogs stopping. I always take that route when I go to Brett's rather they go to Muay Thai.

Okay, you go that one. Jitoo, I cut down that way. can go down the side street so i started seeing them in the other day i had time so i actually pulled over and asked them a few questions i mean as much as i mean i i don't know if i could survive like it shows you how strong some people can be because i don't i'm not a suicide person i don't think but like to be able to survive being homeless is is something that not everyone can do i think well it's like I told you from 90 you know 97 and a half to maybe 99 I was semi homeless especially out here so what I would do is put myself on the road which is still homeless it still gives you that

homeless effect you know on the road you have those four nights that you work but you have three nights that are off. You can't spend all the money you just made. What do you think that money goes to? You can't stay, you know. So if you're in a one night or yeah, the first night you stay in your car and you save the 40 bucks, so you're basically homeless. Then the second day you break down.

And I mean, if you could check at 2 o'clock, you squeeze every hour that hotel. Oh, yeah. You're there at 155. If you bring food upstairs with you, you don't leave that room. You just fucking bathe all day and clean your toes. You know, you just mix it up. You learn how to mix it up. But I was physically homeless for a while when I got hooked on drugs.

And what am I mean? How physically homeless was I? Four or five days. Just staying outside, taking showers at Friends' house. Yeah, that's... And then I would check into a hotel for a week. And then I would stay two days out. It is a different kind of homeless, though

Well, I was never homeless like that Yeah The home, when you go down, listen, every city right now Every time I go to the See, when I go to these cities I look at a lot of things I look at the construction in the city I see how much construction there is going on

In this country right now Construction is big, man That means money Yeah, any city I go to that building buildings. So I see a lot of construction, but I also see a lot of homeless. You know, you don't know what homeless is. Do you go to San Francisco? Oh, yeah. You don't know what homeless is. You go to Portland, you know. Oh, it's been out there too? It's part of a counterculture. It's mixed with pills and heroin. It's just part of this culture. You know, there's still runaways. There's

all this stuff still exists. This will always exist. But the population, are getting bigger. The other factor to that is social economic. Some of these rents are so high, you know, you have to, if I was young and single right now, I'd really consider investing in an RV. It's like $20,000. Yeah, might as well. It's a couple years rent. Investing in an RV, finding an RV park where you just pull up to an RV, park your thing. They have a laundry at there, a breakfast place in there, a movie theater in there. They have them select places. I think they have one in Malibu.

You know? Really? Wow. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's, but there's people out here who are just parking on the street. And there's a lot of the, there's a comment who I just went to the other night who lives in this car, and it just got totaled. So they gave him a rental, but he has to live in the rental. It's, uh, there was a story that I saw that they, that they're opening up.

parking lots in LA because there's so many people who are living in their car. So it's like a safe place that can get a permit to park there. It's a little safer than just parking on the street. I remember those days.

I remember going in my car on Vista. Like I would, it was like I would overstay my welcome at Josh Wolfe's. I would always stay my welcome at Ralphies. And there was some nights where I was like, you know what, I'm not in the mood to embarrass myself

or anybody else. I'm just going to sleep on my car. This is 20 years ago, 1998. Wow. And I would pull over on Vista. And I would go under a tree or something. And I would lock my doors and open up the sunroof. And just make the driver's seat go all the way back.

And I could figure out the way how I could lay on my side. Listen, it wasn't a celie posthapidic. but I could sleep I mean it was horrible you got horrible sleep you sleep I'd sleep three hours and then I'd move into the backseat the back seat I'd have to sleep

on my back with my leg with my knees up and my feet you know it was a Nissan or a Centra or something like that I think I'm short that's uh and did cops miss with you

never never never not one time the cop pulled over and say I'm not to sleep in your car or why you still remember being a coaching horses and getting so coked

up one night and I had nowhere to go and I still remember right there being on Vista and it had to be 1130 at night people walking their dogs and I'm in my car with a blanket over and be jerking off and a fucking beer

you know how embarrassing that is looking back it now like with a blanket over me with the air conditioner on with the sunroof open oh you do the ac on the whole night some nights yeah especially out here some nights and when i first started doing comedy those triple runs oh my god i was i trained myself out of sleep and you learn a lot like you learn how to go to bus state well train truck stops truck stops like there's the ones that are lit and they pump gas there and you know you can take a shower there and buy food there they have like a subway sandwich in there those are okay it's the one that's like a park like a rest stop and it says enter here trucks go this way you go that way those are the ones that always worried me but i slept in 20 or 30 of them you get up in the morning you brush your teeth you put hot water on your face your pee you walk around you know We have a lot of truck drivers, I'm sure who listen to this. What about that?

In those days, I would drink a soda and have a bag of Cheetos for breakfast because that's what I could afford. There was no two eggs of bacon or continental breakfast, you know. So many nights I slept in a fucking rest area. And then there were nights when I would... I still remember one particular night. It was during the final four. like during March Madden.

Right, yeah. And I did something. I did Boise, Idaho. Boise had a comedy club at the time, but they also had a one-nighter on a Saturday night. So my plan was to in-between shows as a feature act, go over and showcase at the Funny Bone in Boise. So do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, so you could come back. So you would go up. I would go up, the headline would do 45 and there's an hour. So I would have an hour and 45 minutes to the show started again. I would run over to the Boise Improv, the Boise Funny Bone, and do a showcase to the lady and then come back. But that night I had to do that, but I also had a problem. I had visitation that next Sunday at 2 o'clock in the morning.

And it was a 12-hour drive. from where I was to Boulder, Colorado. Fuck. I will never forget that night for as long as I live. And in those days, I wasn't doing coke on the road. I couldn't afford it. I would eat half a box of no-dose and just drink Mountain Dews. And I can't tell you how bad you feel.

Like, I can't tell you how bad you feel. But I still remember that it would be snowing or, like, shitty weather. So I couldn't pull over and just turn the car off. Too cold, yeah. I'd have to pull over and pull over with the heat. And I remember that particular night pulling over, but not at a rest stop, just pulling over the side of a road. Holy shit.

I'll never forget this. And letting the sea drop, turning my headlights off, and just leaping dozing off. And the car was on. And I'll never forget opening my eyes. and popping up and thinking that I had lost control of the car. You fell asleep driving. And I fell asleep driving.

I got to that point that you would fall asleep driving. The most I've done, I think, is like eight hours. 12 is a fucking long time. When I was on the road as a driver, as a comic, I got so good and efficient at it. Because my plan was short and simple. I could do everything I want. And once the tank of gas was finished, I went tank to tank.

There was no stopping in between tanks. I stopped when the tank was empty. Because you had to get 12 hours in the other fuck. I had to get eight hours, nine hours. It could be three hours. It could be six hours. It didn't matter. I'd get up in the morning.

I'd get a good meal in me. You know, especially if I did a triple run or something, You got 20% off of breakfast. But you have to be careful. You can't have like pancakes because then you fall asleep when you're driving. No, no, no. I wouldn't eat pancakes anyway. I would just eat like a good, hearty breakfast because you're living on the road.

You don't eat solid meals. Yeah, okay. You know, on those comedy roads at first, there was a week that I had. I'll never forget this. I got no reasonable lying to anybody. There was a week that I stayed in Saginaw, Michigan. that all I ate was two for a dollar hot dogs from the supermarket and Subway Veggie and Cheese Sandwich.

Like I budgeted my money. Like I knew I wasn't picking up money until Friday. And it was a Sunday. I had already bought Coke. I had enough wheat to hold me over for the week. Now I had to make it on. And that's when you eat all the oranges and the apples in the lobby. Oh, those oranges are good.

good in those days. When you go downstairs in the middle of the night, you get like two apples or two oranges and a bag of Doritos from vending for a dollar. It was that type of shit. Like those veggie and cheese sandwiches, I would buy a foot long and eat one for lunch and the other for breakfast. And pray to God, they would offer me food at the club for free. Did they ever offer you food?

You took it and then they asked for money? Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Yeah, they give you a tab at the end of the night. And, you know, it was like 50% off, you know. But a lot of places fed you for free. Especially like a burger or something. And some places were very nice.

When a fucking comedy club gave you something to go, that saved you, that was your breakfast. That was your breakfast. I don't give a fuck what it was. I don't care if it was chicken, Mozilla sticks, whatever they gave you. That's why I went from being 240 to 400 pounds. I mean, when I got off the road, I was probably 3.20.

I'm not going to blame it all on the road. But it was the beginning of a healthy diet going off the rails. Because you're not really exercising if you're just doing the gig, driving, eating. After a while, I brought a basketball and I had a frisbee. I had a frisbee and how do you play frisbee by yourself you find other comics

okay so the other comic you will always work for another comic and for some reason in those days the red roofins used to have like a little basketball court so when you work for tribal you worked a lot of red roof ends

so I would just take like jump shots and shit like that yeah because otherwise you're just gonna do nothing what any of those things listen acting you know how do you feel if you're fighting in a UFC event and you're the co-main of and you get there at seven o'clock that's three hours to kill you can't imagine that my my anxiety I'm what would you do I go to I go to sleep like get the locker room you fall asleep in the locker room yeah

like it's best it was when I was at my best. Fall asleep, good nap. You know, you just... In the locker room. Yeah. Yeah. On the mats.

Exactly. Well, guys were around you warming up the old punches and shit. Yeah. Got headphones, just try to ignore them, you know. Because sometimes, like, if you're fighting internationally, don't you fight it, like, one in the morning sometimes? Yeah.

Super late. That's wild. Two, yeah. It is. It's... It would suck to fight it, like, two in the morning. Save to practice. I always notice out I because I used to hate when I was growing up. I used to hate when people would Hand test back in school because my let my name is side I'm towards the end. I have to sit there waiting wondering when I got on the test So I always think that during the fights like how on like how Connor McGregor and could be felt

It's like a two three four hour experience that they always show them walking into the arena I'm like that I I can't imagine falling asleep that's wild like just being able to like calm yourself down but I guess that's why you're a fighter I could never calm myself down enough to

to sleep did you have to like do like a do you have like a workout to get yourself jazzed up because sometimes if I have a like if I mess up and take a nap too soon before like a comedy show I feel like I'm a little bit low energy on stage

I have to plan it out right and wake up early enough really wake up before I can't wake up and go to an open mic, it's not going to go great. Gotcha. Yeah, it's I'll ask you again another time. Do you ever do that? Do you ever fuck up with your naps?

I'm like, in you low energy? When I first started out in the triple runs and stuff like that, I would nap in the afternoon. And there was a couple nights that the phone rang. Yeah. And they were like, hey, where are you? We're about to start the show.

And this is, I Remember, I was never, I drank Cuban coffee as a kid from time to time as a goof because of the sweetness of it. Yeah, it's all sugar. But I didn't drink coffee until 1999. I still don't drink coffee. And I was, whatever I was in 1999, 37 or whatever. Wow, really? You started that late?

Yeah, I was never a coffee drink. But you have to, you had to, you found like the caffeine in the? found it to wake up to drive in between drives and then I fell in love with it with the smoking cigarettes and weed aspect of it really it's better oh a cup of coffee with a joint stop really I have to try but you drink it black did you drink it with milk and stuff black and beautiful black with that cancer sugar oh you do with cancer sugar in there okay stevia whatever the fuck it's all cancer sugar sugar it's all cancer sugar it's all going to kill you.

It's going to rot something. So, you know, there's something that's going to get humiliated by that type of shit. Whether you're small intestine, your big intestine, your colon, it will affect something. It really does. Yeah, no, it has to. That's what they say. And then sugar is the alternative.

For 2,000 years, everybody drank sugar like it was cocaine. All of a sudden, now sugar is the fucking enemy, you know. And it's weird. I don't eat anything sweet at night. Very seldom. I don't want that sugar in my bloodstream at night for me to flip on the diabetic side. So I watch that a lot. You know, if I eat sugar, I'll try to eat it early so I could burn it throughout the day.

That's smart. It's funny, we were talking about cereals before, and we didn't know at the time. I mean, what you were really putting into your body at that age. Yeah. What about when they used to show, like, part of a complete breakfast and it's cereal with orange juice and toast with jelly on it. You're like, that's all sugar, that whole thing. My mom would never, that's why I fell in love with it

because my mom would, like, as a kid, you're like, oh, my mom always makes breakfast. I never get cereal. Looking back, I'm like, that's fucking pretty cool. But I wasn't allowed to have it. It was like an after-school snack. Serial? Yeah, we would have, like, cheerios or cake.

Like, I still love kicks. I have kicks at the house right now. We could only have, like, fruit loops or something that's, like, an after-show. school snack. It was never for breakfast. So fruit loops of milk or fruit loose plain? I'll do both, but I mean, I prefer it with milk.

But think about it. We were a lot to sit and need a half a box of fucking I loved Cocoa Krispies. Oh, yeah. I will fuck. Anything that makes the milk chocolate, it was that or count chalky. But I don't know which one was, I think I was a Cocoa Krispy guy.

Because my daughter eats Cocoa Krispies from time to time. And everyone, Once in a while, I got a small bonus. Let him get a little soggy here. Listen to them, crack. You wait for them to get the perfect soggyness. I love all that shit. Shredder wheat.

Shredder wheat is, my favorite. I like life. You guys, like, have you tried life? Oh, life is cinnamon life. That's, bro. That's what I get all the time. Cinnamon life is fucking tremendous. You think it's healthy?

Like, kind of healthy, but really not? Yeah, no. It's no just sugar. Listen, as long as you're not fucking eating frosted flakes. Right. Like a box of frosted flakes. I can do it. Bro, there was a time.

I could eat a box of frost or flakes. Oh, yeah. Without blinking and I. With the same milk, you just pour a little bit more until the milk gets fucking. It's just sugar milk. Yeah. That's what happens is I'll get high and I won't want to go to the fridge to get more milk. But I bring the box because you have to take care of the rest of the milk.

And then I'll just start shoving dry and cereal on my face because it's, I love it. I'll wake up next to a pile of honey and a chair. I used to take regular rice Krispies with no sugar and put like sweet low on it. That's like that's what I would do to get a little sweeter. When you were a kid, did you ever like any healthy cereals at all? Healthy cereal. Like how old were you the first time? No.

You said, fuck it. I'm going to eat the special K. Well, that was a kid. If you hit me with Special K, I'd sue you. I fucking hated Special K. Really? Cheerios, the regular ones. Oh, I fucking hate this.

I liked regular churio. I liked everything with sugar in it. Oh, yeah. And then once you go to prison, once you go to prison, you learn how to like special K. What's the other one? There was another one that was, what's the American one that the box is yellow. The weedies. Well, weeys, yeah, weaties.

They have pops. When I went to prison, there was one before I got locked up, Iron Man cereal. What? It was more like sweet. Oh, it was delicious. I used to mix that with weedies. I love mixing two brands. Oh, that's the fuck.

And that's when you know you're a Mac Daddy. This is, I'm not, there's part of, it's just a true story. One time I ran out of milk, so I had sugar-free pudding and it was the same calories as a cup of milk. I took kicks and chocolate pudding and I mixed it together. It tastes. It's amazing. It's, there's nothing, like, I like putting cereal and ice cream. That works.

but if you have cereal and ice cream Oh yeah How much of a fat fuck Do you have to be To put cereal in ice cream Who doesn't? That or working Tom and Jerry's

Oh everybody I talked to In fact I talked to a guy this morning That told me I just had a whole box Cereal with fucking ice cream You don't do it every time But if you have a pint And then you're like oh shit I have cereal That's

Well you weird shit when you're I don't eat it when I'm sober eating ice cream Like ice cream's enough But when you're stoned you just start looking in the rest of the cabin and you're like, oh, this will work. And I love it's, that's how you're being stone. Wait, when you have the mentality of a fat fuck, which I had for years, you know, I still have the mentality. You never lose it.

But when I first moved in with Terry, there was a point. I think in 2004, after I shot the longest yard was when I saw the films and I was like, wait a second. something's not right, you know. I got to find the healthy alternative. At that time, I was eating four or five eggs, sunny side up, half a loaf of fucking wonder

bread, butter on every inch until it dripped off your toast. And we'd make a whole package of Osamaia bacon. So I came to a conclusion. I go, why don't we eat? And then I started eating the worst

thing in the world. It was Hagenas frozen vanilla yogurt. Have you ever tasted Hagenaz frozen vanilla yogurt? No, is it good? The cum squirts out of your ass and I don't eat it. Because them too, they have a heart in front of it. Hell yeah. The whole thing.

So for a month, me and my wife would split a container of Hagenas frozen yogurt with granola and strawberries and blueberry. Oh, in the morning? in the mornings. Oh, my God. And I'll never forget getting on a scale. And gaining like 16 pounds. And then she got on the scale.

And we looked at each other. We're like, well, what's going on? Like, what is the meaning of this? How did all this happen? The fucking calories. And that's a frozen vanilla yogurt. And granola is no, granola is no walk in the park either.

Yeah, it's unhealthy either. They're banging you out on granola. That's why I had to stay away from those assaiboules. Those ascibi bowls are like eating fucking, you know what burns me up? I love when I see two medium chubby chicks with yoga pants walking like a half a mile to get a Starbucks coffee.

They did so good by walking the mile to a half a mile to Starbucks. But then they get one of those milkshake drinks. Fabitinos or something. It fucks up the whole walk. Like sometimes I look at those drinks and I can't believe like I'm a fat fuck. Yeah. And I don't like those drinks. They give them the kids.

That's when I'm crazy about it. Every six months, I'm not going to lie to you. I go to the coffee bean and I get their signature one. But it's like, guys, it's been maybe a year since I had. You don't put like the chocolate syrup in it and stuff? No, this is the coffee with the ice cubes and the, they put a few. espresso beans, and they put maricino cherries. What?

So when you're drinking the coffee, they express the beans, and the maricino cherries get caught in the straw. Oh, my goodness, with whipped cream on top. Oh, I love whipped cream. And they put chocolate syrup, and you mix the whipped cream with the coffee. I can't lie. You have those once a year. Nice. Right there on Lancashire and Riverside, I think.

No, Lagrosherstam in right next to the gym, right? no there's a coffee bean on lancashon and oh yeah I know I know exactly what you're talking about gas station right yeah there's like it's a shitty road could beat the hunger maybe I know it's Riverside it's Languisham right right next to the

your favorite Zanku chicken and the McDonald's yeah I know yeah right right right right right where's the McDonald's right across the street Riverside and like other side of the street you're right thank you you have trust me I know where the I know where the McDonald's are There's a bridge there.

Yeah, the 134. Yeah, I can't lie, nobody. I love those. And I was hooked on flat whites for a while. They're not that bad. If you look them up on Weight Watch, they're like three points. What about hot chocolate? That'll kill you.

I like hot chocolate. Yeah, who doesn't like hot chocolate? Only communists don't like hot chocolate. We don't like fucking hot chocolate. But I would make it with water, but if you make it with milk, oh my God. I get those Hershey's and I get three or four packs. Really? Oh yeah.

Fuck you and your fucking... Fuck you and your fucking... Where you at? Yeah, call me when you're outside. Don't be wasting my time. I'm on dumb to do with a podcast, cock sucker. You're going to show up with a kilo of Coke? Show up with a kilo of Coke.

There's no code. Just call me and the gate will open up. All right, bye. What are you talking about? take it four packs of hot chocolate? I would take four packs of hot chocolate and get a little bigger cup and put half milk

and half water and stir really good until it's really fucking thick. Like, what's the Swiss mists comes with marshmallows? Oh, the small ones. Fuck you and your marshmallows. I put my own marshmallows. The small ones? It was a little tight. They absorb it a little bit.

Oh, no, my God. I'll tell you what else is a great fucking cereal. What's the one with the little marshmallows? Lucky Char. Oh, fuck. That motherfucker. That's the diabetic. That's the one.

Now with Amazon, they're trying to kill you because they sell just bags of just the marshmallows. Yeah. No cereal at all. Yeah, they're trying to kill you. They don't fuck around. You can buy bags of just whatever color or starburst you like. Amazon's devil. They're evil.

No, no. Let's go back to the marshmallows. The Jack in the Box. What's the name of the company? What's the name of them? Lucky Charms. So I can just get the little purple hearts and all that shit. Yeah, just a big bag of marshmallow.

Put them in milk. Yeah. Add them to your Cheerios. If you like Cheerios better, I guess. That's, oh, I love cereal. The one thing I never got, and I kind of want to try it now, is like the generic cereal. I was lucky. We always got the name, but the big bags of, like, fruit circles or whatever.

it's like the generic fruit loops that's why would you want to go back because you have a whole bag because the cereal that's something you don't realize as a kid cereal's fucking expensive it's like four or five bucks don't fart on me

I see him opening his leg I want to fart on you I had one for you 20 minutes Jake is here he's fucked up enough Jake snows one of my frights now he won't know what to do oh my god

it's uh yeah it's dangerous living because I didn't grow up in a place where there was late night food like I couldn't go out like there was you grew up in the fucking Boston no but the suburbs I'm 45 minutes from Boston

my town was so white they wouldn't allow fast food places it was towns outside of it that you could go to but there was nothing one they didn't allow drive-thor was what well you had like a farm or a kind of close to it

I mean not my town was was was upper middle class. But, like, the other ones were closed at, like, nine or ten. Fast food places brings on your property value. Yeah. So maybe they didn't want the fast food. Yeah, that's exactly what it was, yeah, I think. Or, but you said there was no drive-thrus.

No drive-thrus. The Dunkin' Donuts didn't have a drive-thru. Oh, Dunkin' Donuts. That is something that I'll regret with my kids, because I was talking with a comic whose dad owns, like, chain like a bunch of franchises. And my childhood

is one regular glazed, one chocolate glazed, and a hot chocolate. Like my dad will bring my brother and I, my mom would bring my brother and I. And he'd sit there and there would be like 18 old guys in a corner talking because they go to the Dunkin' Donuts every day. I love that.

One chocolate glaze, one regular glaze. The problem is Dunkin' Donuts isn't Dunkin' Donuts. Yeah, it doesn't taste the same. The donuts are just guys. fucking awful you know when I work the stress factory I fucking love it because I'm 30 feet from a Dunkin' Donuts and I get the coffee and you first off you can't drink the coffee for 10 minutes because it's gold drink like if you put your finger in the coffee a bone will come out like it is the hottest coffee that they sell so I will stand outside in the cold weather with the coffee and then not to cool the coffee down. You have to pour a little bit down and take the lid off it. If not, that coffee never cools down. But the donut is goddamn awful. Terrible. And I'm a fat fuck. They're goddamn awful. Yeah. God damn awful.

Yum yum donuts is way better. Yum yums is way better. Because they cook it right there. A place in Burbank. Yeah. Magnolia where we used to go. You have to go early because they got a blueberry filled donut. it was fucking phenomenal. You know, at this age, listen, I drink water, Jake, and I gained weight. At 56, my metabolism is so fucking horrible.

Do I have to stay away from all that shit? I'm stuck. I've been stuck on my Weight Watchers' weight for fucking months. I don't know if it's the weights, lifting the heavy weights. Well, you're working on a lot. You're looking skin here. It's really weird. I'm looking thinner, but I'm looking.

I'm not dropping the weight. I'm burning the fat and throwing the punches and the kicks. The lifting has really helped. But my metabolism is shit. Even with the movie tie conditioning and the ropes and the whole thing. Did you have metabolism when you were younger? Jesus Christ. I never had a ball.

No, I rode a bike. You know, you do so much that you keep it at such a high level. And that's why people get fat because they slow down. they continue to eat the shit they were eating before and all of a sudden it's like you're 100 pounds overweight you can't figure out what happened Yeah happens quickly

Your lifestyle change You know I saw it early on When my mom sold the bar When she lost the bar The weight gain after a year was amazing Yeah because she used to be on her feet all day Walking around Walking around walking steps

Carrying ice Talking to people it's a big lifestyle change different. It's scary how quickly you can gain weight. I always hated... Have you always been in shape, Jake? No. No, really?

No, when I was younger. I mean, I was active. In between fights, you let yourself go? Not really. I mean, you know, you eat a lot more freely, but I wouldn't just say, like, let go with anything, but... You're still eating healthy? Yeah.

But maybe you have some bread or some pasta every once in a while? Yeah, exactly. If you eat two pieces of, if you have two eggs and you scramble them and you put ketchup on it and you eat two pieces of white bread, it's not the end of the world, guys. It's the seven pieces of white bread in a day that kill you. That's true, but especially with Dean, it shows me how much, Even like if you can, if you can cut it completely out how much it helps. Because Dean's skinny now.

And he just doesn't have bread. He has like brown rice every once in a while. He got scared. Dean got diagnosed with diabetes. And Dean had to make up a decision. And Dean knew that he's a candy guy. Dean will tell you, he loves candy. Oh, yeah.

What's better than candy? So he had to eliminate sugar from this. But you know what, man, people are finding out great things about. eliminating sugar from their diets. Yeah. Listen, don't get me wrong. In one form of another, there's sugar and everything.

Especially when you eat out of the house. I know one of the more sugary things is ketchup, isn't it? Oh, yeah. To make a crushed tomato doesn't taste like that. There's that. Even Brent was telling me, like, he'll go to, like, Thai places or Chinese places and tell them, make their food, but don't put sugar in the sauce. Like, if you get, like, Kung Pow or stuff, like,

They just put sugar straight in the sauce. You can now, you can't, you know, and that's, we made jokes. Like, they put heart stuff on the boxes, but you grow up thinking, fruits okay. And then you tell me like, oh, no, it's really not okay. Like a lot of, like, oh, you can't really eat an orange. You can. It's better than maybe a candy bar, but not really. You could eat 2,000 oranges.

You could eat 2,000 bananas. You could eat 3,000 apples. They're great for you. The confusing that people have is when they drink smoothies and assaye bowls. And again, I didn't know this, that you have a saliva that when you eat a fruit, that saliva converts that sugar before it hits your system.

But when you blend the fruit, it overpasses that saliva. So when you eat an asaibou, even though they blend the bananas and guji berries and blueberries and all these fruits are usually great for you and they're high and antioxidants and all this shit once you put it together you have a big result of sugar yeah like what about that place on hollywood with the juice and the sandwiches they like the one i used to get was like orange honey it was like oranges and honey and cream it's delicious but that must be

terrible i had i used to have two of those a day when i got up to 480s and pounds. If I really look back and look at the path to it, I would go to that place and have one juice there, take two home and one for my wife. Take two home for yourself? Yeah, and lie to her about the one I had there. Not lie, but I wouldn't mention it. Right. Like I'd say, I didn't have anything there. I just wouldn't really mention it. I went from working out a lot, up to 1995 to do nothing to just and then when I moved to at least in Seattle I was semi-active once I moved to LA my only priority was comedy and I ate freely and I ate very you know I ate a poor man's lunch I used to go to Wendy's on Sunset and get

Wendy Jr. They had them for 99 cents. When you're a comic and you got three bucks, are you fucking kidding me? Three of those, what's the big Wapid? What's a Wendy's Burger? Yeah, I have junior bacon, and just a junior cheeseburger pie.

Junior, what, whatever they had when it was junior, they had a value menu of a dollar. You know, always walked a lunch special, $5.45. You still know the price? A police, you know, for fucking shrimp and lobster sauce, shrimp right out of somebody's fucking pond at the house. It was a sea monkey that became a shrimp.

And they give you an egg roll, a bowl of soup, a small salad, a cup of white rice or fried rice and an entree. And then a cup of ice cream or fortunately for dessert. Nice. When you're a broke comic, that's who you're going to eat. You're not going to eat great food. Right. I would go to Pollo Loco on LaBreya and Sunset

every other day and eat that fucking communist chicken. Those are chickens that have been beaten and abused. An orphan, they were taken from their mothers. Those poor chickens are horrible at Pollo. You think they're beaten up for a fact. They're chickens that nobody else wants. You're probably right. It's upsetting to think.

Because I like a boy and local. I don't know how they raid chickens. It's not a. I guarantee poeotos chickens. When you, you know, when you go to those chicken places, you have to take all the meat off and look at the bone. That's when you see the abuse. Once you bite into it, like when you go to Pai Pai's chickens,

right. Those chickens have been physically abused, psychologically abused. You could tell by the inside. I had no idea. There's a Pai's chicken walking distance from the house. Yeah. I applaud you under control. I'm not going to say I've never been there, but I get like the strips.

I don't get like a whole big. If I wake up and smell that shit early in the morning, I'm done. It's just a count down to when. You know what I'm saying? As soon as I wake up, it's just a countdown to when. They start frying chicken at 10 o'clock over there. Yeah, well, the one that gets me is because I have an elevator in my building. I hate it when one of my neighbors gets pizza delivered or has Chinese food.

and you get in the elevator and you smell it, that's when I go crazy. What's the man you go crazy for? Whatever they, whatever they get. Like if I'm in the elevator with like a Pizza Hut guy, I can take, like I have to like control myself

and be like not go get Pizza Hut or run down. That's disgusting. When I see a pizza hug guy, pray for his soul and whoever he's going to deliver it to. That's what I fucking do. Jake Ellenberger, checking in with you. What's going on, buddy?

How are you feeling, my man? Yeah, Mom. I'm good. You're halfway there. And you're just like, I'm going to stop at all these places you're mentioning. On the way home, I'm going to get pizza, chicken. Pizza. There's a thing that's messed up because it's getting kind of weird.

Like, I liked, we talked about all the disgusting things I like. But now, like, especially on Instagram, they have really terrible things. They have something called the Philly Taco. Well, they get a big cheese pizza slice and a cheese steak, and they roll the cheese steak up in the pizza and you're supposed to eat it at once. That's, it's too much. I don't find the necessity.

Yeah. I don't find the necessity. And again, I'm a fat fuck. Yeah, exactly. I don't find, I enjoy the slice a cheese pizza by itself. What is the point of putting the fucking cheese steak? You know, it was funny.

You know, it was funny. I drove in Hollywood, and I went to Long Round, and I realized that that place was closed. I don't know if it was closed that night. Fat sales? Yeah. Oh, it's still, it's, it's, it's open. The reason why I'm laughing is I saw on Facebook that they're running a deal now. So that maybe they aren't doing too well, or they're giving you two sandwiches for the price of one.

Because that's, I love mozzarella sticks, but I don't want to put it in a sandwich. I'll get a side of mozzarella sticks, but I don't need it in a sandwich. Last time I had a mozzarella stick. Oh, so good. I had a fucking hat with a propeller run. Oh, I had a month like a week ago. How old are you to eat a mozzarella sticks? places have like a one item minimum and I don't really

drink so they said the mozzarella snakes were good that Robin Hood place Oh no you did it oh yeah It was good What do you dip in that? Marinera Oh Jesus Christ What's wrong with that?

I saw some of marinar Well it's tomato whatever It's too much juice you know It's good I saw a comic dipping in ranch month I just anytime I see ranch now I just think of you Yeah It's like I wonder what happened

But then I it was funny I did something I never, ever do, and I gave the waitress my number. She didn't call, but I saw her in there the whole night, and then as soon as I gave her my number, she never came in again. I realized me probably eating mozzarella sticks probably isn't the most inviting site,

but it was, you're giving her a number. It wasn't the most inviting. Well, yeah, obviously, that's what I'm saying. I'm giving her a number for. Who the fuck are you? I don't know. What would you say that he give her a number?

What do you mean? What did you say? I said, I think you're cute. If you want to get a drink, here's my number. She ain't going to call. You got to ask her for her number. It was during the show. I was trying to be.

I'm also kind of a pussy. But she took that number and threw it away. Probably, yeah. Let me get your digits. Let me take you out to invite you to a beautiful evening of dinner and a comedy show afterward. Yeah, that would have been smarter. That's a smart thing.

Now she's got, you know, who the fuck do you think about? But then again, going up at it. an open mic doesn't make it look like I'm that funny well no it doesn't make a difference well at least you got heart and balls she's easier for what you are yeah you're not some fucking schmuck at least you're getting on stage some women just watching you on stage turns them on yeah that's pretty cool I bet you used to get a lot of fan mail from dirty yeah I would say we love when you walk up with you well look at him he takes his shirt off and they love it they cheer for him you don't need to take a shirt he's got style class mink yongotica personality you know what I'm saying

But he has the muscles that you can see through the shirt. That's when you know you're in a good shape. He's got the main muscle, the dick of debt. You think if he had milkshake, he'd be calling him uptown. I can't meet him tonight. I have to get him to go to me. Fuck, no. He's slain dick.

There's only so many nights you can sling dick. How long have you been with your wife for? Been together about five years? All together. Yeah. And how long do you take you to marry you? Mm. What kind of like right now we're in the process?

process so of getting married yeah yeah like going through the wedding you know really gonna do a big thing uh which i don't know no you already had two kids let's go down the justice of the piece i'm saving 10 g's here i'm gonna walk around you with a white dress on you're like let's go oh are you kidding who you kidding you already had two kids on we're going to the courthouse when i'm time for a big wedding no once you get once you spit a kid out why we're lying to these four people. There's a toaster out of them. I need a toast like I want a black dick up my ass.

I can use a toast or you don't like cheese toast? Not really. I just like regular toast and you pop it in. Nice little cheese toast. And you eat a fucking cheese egg with that. Put some pepperoni on it. You're happy, Jake? Yeah.

Do you miss fighting? What do you want to do, bro? You're in limbo right now. In more ways than one. I don't know, man. I don't know. I mean, Jake, 31. 15, 16, 14.

That's 44 fucking fights, Jay. That's a lot of fights. You're still alert. God bless you. Yeah, thank you. Until you came in here. You were there into this house. I got the weed that gives you PTSD.

I'm telling you, you smoked it all of saying you look like chuckled out. You mean CTE? CTE or PTSD? Both of them? Beep the fucking thing there. Oh, Jesus Christ. Microphones picked it up. I think it opened, hopefully.

I hope so. 41 fights or whatever the fuck total, right? 31 and 15, 46 fights total. When did you start? 2005. Yeah, 13 years. Long time. See, I always had you down for a college collegiate wrestler.

I did not know until the podcast. So you took wrestling up at the age of 20. So you took up resting at the same time you was starting. Basically, yeah, I just started training. Yeah, and so that's, it all happened so fast. Even competing, it'd be like, went to fight, opportunity, opportunity, opportunity. So fucking 15 years later, you know, it's... What was your first competition, Jiu-Jitsu, boxing?

Yeah, I think Jiu-Jitsu. How did you do? Yeah, I did good. I did, I did great, but I was always, I don't know how much time I want to spend when I was one of, you know, MMA. It was always about MMA. So I don't know what time. What made you jump into MMA?

Did you have options where you college, are you college educated? Do you have a degree? Yeah. I mean, I had options, but it was like it was the most fitting, you know. So it's, well, I mean, what I always thought about because we talked about what it stinks to bomb. It stinks to get punched in the face. How great is it when he knocks? somebody out like that feeling there must be nothing like that when you knock somebody out

that has to be pretty fucking badass you're still going to take i've never knocked anybody you know i got the shit that fucking they gave the push in the last day i don't know fuck k quickly's in studio by the way ladies and gentlemen she was in town doing a ah That's right the ah. So she decided to stop and say hello and just look good over there in the corner and shit. The place smells like fruit now. I don't know what she's wearing. Make a Jack Allenberger feel a lot more warm.

Jake's going through changes and shit. Out of all the disciplines. What's your favorite? I'm talking about Lee. No, I'm talking about you. My discipline. I go between video game watching and TV watching. Do you really enjoy?

like the ability to box, do you really enjoy the wrestling aspect? I mean, you've had KOs, you've had submissions, you've won by split decisions, I mean, you know, you're like, yeah, I don't remember that one fucking thing. All I remember is partying with some bitches in 84,

and next thing you know I'm in fucking Vegas having coffee with Dana White for lunch. Dog, it's gonna be all right. on the podcast out of star that I just took you. I thought that you lived down in Orange County from time to time. You go out in the balcony in between. People give me shit. Yeah,

he has like a vape pen probably, like a little pen. You have a vape pen? I hate it. You what? I said, I don't fucking, God damn. I'm telling you, this weed is too much.

This is what they give some people. to shut them up sometimes. You're trying to communicate to me to Lee, we can't. No, no, because I've been there. He's like the medium. Lees like the T.HC. Media. He'll do that to me sometimes. Like, if I, like, he did it to me earlier.

If I start getting too talking, if I, if I start asking him questions, he'll just pass joints. I love, I love when someone comes into, like, a green room or an office and starts asking you questions. And out of nowhere, you have an animal, you have a joint, you just like, smoke this. and it just shuts people off. It slows them down. My job is to slow you down.

Whatever's going on in your day, whatever you walked into that threshold thinking, that's what a host's job is to do. If you really think about it, think about what a good, anybody here watch Molly's game? No, you're too busy. Molly's game is about a chick who's a skier in the Olympics

and she breaks her fucking legs and she moves to LA to be a model, but she gets a job working for a guy that runs poker games at night. And she's real personable and whatever. You know,

when you come on the podcast, I can't stand going on a podcast and everybody's straight up wants to be a gangster. If shooting heroin makes you a better guest, I want you to shoot heroin.

I'm not going to judge It's not a popular opinion I've never heard that before There's something in there for you Oh yeah Sure There's always something in there for you Yeah no I'm gonna offer you

Coolid You're okay quickly Yeah There's tequila There's something Club soda There's something Why you want to

Vacca loosen you up But you're loose Oh I'm good Yeah All right yeah He's as loose As it gets He's loosey-goose

And shit like that I'm just happy that It's so weird that I've known you for a long time, 10 years. I know it. And you've always been a fan of comedy. Why? Just kind of, it's kind of like train, just an escape.

And it's another world. It's, I've always enjoyed comedy, though. How long have you been into comedy for? I mean, it probably since high school, but I started, like, when I started meeting comics and just going to live events, it was, that's when I was really more of a fan

from life Did you go to the funny bone A lot growing up or no? Yeah, once in a while. Not like it is out here though Being so close, but What's the closest club to your house? Oh shit, we got one

Like two blocks away. Which one? Connolly Magic? Well, it's closed now, but I don't remember what it's called. It was always It was in the 90s, I think it closed down. mid-90s

but what do you have what do you live close to now do you you live close to the irvine improv oh yeah where I'm at now yeah irvine for sure yeah have you been to the uh there's a place called the rec room near you

that could be pretty far because do you so do you like when you're doing the uh a training camp do you like every week or so every couple weeks you go see do something go see a movie just to let your mind relax every once in a while yeah definitely

because yeah if you're focused on that for all day, every day you're going to lose your mind. So probably the reason you fight. I mean, not that you fight, you do jit-soo and you do Muay. I like, take your mind off. Friday and Saturdays are like working out, going to the room, having like a protein shake,

one of those ones that you get at 7-11 or a health food store, and I like watching something on Netflix. Something completely different of what I'm going to talk. about do or anything just to really get my mind off what's in front of me the next step from there my clothes already laid out for the night is just taking a shower coming out getting dressed going over my notes one more time and then leave it that's the way I do it now to really try to

help me add line that's why I like sitcoms because I'm not going to pay I don't need to pay attention into them. That's why I haven't watched Narcos yet. Because it's in Spanish and I have to really pay attention. I just turn something on and I'll play on my computer do stuff on my phone if I have to or if I'm eating lunch. But I don't have, when I grew up, I love TV.

I would have TV on constantly. What I mean web TV? I used to love TV. Now, now I barely have it on. I watch like one or two episodes a day of something. Just when I'm eating or if I have 10 seconds. But it's, I love sitcoms, like old sitcoms.

I have to watch Sanford-ins and I think that's the next one I'm going to start because I just finish one. It's great to watch, especially in the field that you're getting into. It's great when we watch old television, so you can see the contrast and the change over the years, camera angles, and once you start acting, you start thinking about that shit, you're not up to that level yet, but it's good to watch movies.

I'm not a fan of the movie. I'm a fan of all that shit because eventually you're going to do one, you know what I'm saying? Did you think you're going to act when he first started comedy? Because right now, do you think you're going to act? No. Because me, I have no plan of that other than maybe trying commercials. No, I didn't even know commercials existed. When they approached me at the improv, I didn't know what they were talking about.

You're like, I'm barely doing it. You want to do commercials? I'm like, what are you talking about? And they're like, come to meet this at the office. I asked my friends and they go, yeah, all those commercials you see on TV, what do you think they shoot them? I don't fucking know.

They were all active. You go down there. So I went down to Sutton, Barth, and Rani. That's a good one. That's what I heard. This is 20 years ago. They were one of the best. And they asked me if I wanted to sign.

And the first commercial I went on was a church's fried chicken commercial. On sunset, two blocks away from Fairfax at the east on the corner that was a commercial spot it's amazing how

this town like is set up and like it's set up for this but like today I went and got envelopes and the envelope was like a dollar 50 each like the one that you put your headshot in and there's an open there's an open window so they can see the headshot so

it's not just a regular yellow envelope you just want to send the regular yellow envelope they said the woman I went to a clap they don't book I'm telling you had a book. Okay. Because once they see that it's... I got like 50 of them, so I never have to go back down there. Now they see that it's an envelope with your headshot in it, they know what's in it. I want them to look at it to think they're getting divorced proceeding.

I heard they were never even open it. That's what I heard. Dog, they open them. Okay. This is why the guy already made a mistake when he told you to mail them in. Oh, I'm definitely going to drop them off. Because when you mail them in, it's you and 20 other people. When you're trying to get an agent of any stature, right? You're trying to do it with the other guy. Exactly. No, absolutely.

So if I'm getting an envelope with your headshot already in it, I know what you want. It's the holidays. I don't want to look at it. I want an envelope to not be yellow. I want it to be white. I want it to stick out. Everybody's dropping off an envelope with a manila envelope. I want your envelope to be red. I want your envelope to stick out in that bunch.

This is from A to Z. This is a psychological move from A to Z. If not, you're doing what everybody else is doing and your rate of success is just as high as everybody else with failing. I'm not getting an agent. There's people who will sit here for 10 years and tell you they can't get an agent. I used to get an agent a day every day. I'd start with a call, go up there, drop it off personally. I don't give a fuck what you tell me.

There's a guy by Laurel Canyon, across from Galsons. There's a little building over there. In that building, there's four or five little agents. There's an old man over there that in his thing, he says, please, no soliciting, don't drop off package. You know how many fucking times I dropped up? I've knocked on that punk ass's wall on his door.

Really? And he like you in? And then there's house of pies. And then if you go down more, there's a building there that looks like a regular building like doctor's office. they cast three shows out of there. Really? I've cast a mentalist out of there. I think it's like a sag after building.

Yeah. So you go in there, you go to the second floor. It's casting people. You drop off your fucking headshots. Okay. That's the hustle in this town that these motherfuckers don't know. Because that assistant

might be a podcast listener. And he's going to run back there and go, guess who's here? Lee Syatt, the flying Jew. And the cast director is going to go, What? Who is that? You got to see him. He's a fucking...

He hangs out with Joe Diaz and Kay Quigley and Jake Ellenberg when he's done high. He's funny. No, yeah. Someone recognized me when I got the envelopes today. Don't fuck with me. I know how to do this from A to Z. Here, what hands are freaking out?

Who's the hardest company to get with? Three arts. Oh. Okay? Ricky Cruz came up for me and he goes, I'm going to go mail a bunch of things. I go, don't. I go, if I look like you,

I would not mail a thing. Walk in there. Put on your prettiest shit and walk in there. You know that my motherfucker came to me three days later and said three yards signed them because the chick was cute at the reception desk. And she was young.

And Ricky was young. And she went right back there and she goes, you got to see this hot guy. So you always drop your shit off. That's why I got the... Mail. You people at home looking for jobs. when it says to mail your resume in,

you don't have a job. You don't have a job. You might as well walk it in and let them see your shoes how they shine and let them see your shirt how it's iron and let them see your hair. That's the higher rate of getting things. That's why I never believed

in none of those casting workshops or anything because they do everything the white way. When you get breakdowns, breakdowns and it comes out every day, and it tells you what movies they're shooting. When you get breakdowns, the first thing it says under the title and the cast and director's name is no phone calls. That's the first thing I'm going to do.

Because you're not playing by the rules. You're trying to feed your fucking family. Yeah. Interesting. If your head shots look like everybody else's head shots, I'm not going to open them. If they, every fucking agent every day comes upstairs with a bucket of fucking envelopes. I'm sure, yeah, absolutely.

And they're all in Manila envelopes. So what do you have to do? Send a pink envelope. Smart. That's the next one I'll get if I run out of these envelopes. Do you think, not when you run out, you're not going to waste your time. I have the way they're white. They're not Manila.

Yeah, they're white with the clear front, but maybe you're right. Maybe, but I'm going to walk it in. I don't want, I don't want people seeing no, I want them to see. it's a mystery. What's in there? Okay. You know, maybe I'll do both and see if they... You got to give me a mystery. Why am I going to open up that envelope? I get 50 fucking envelopes a day. What can I put on it? What can I write on it?

What can I do to make this envelope stick out? And we're not talking about acting here. We're talking about generalities, even if you're looking for a job. I don't give a fuck if they tell you to mail it and you're always going to walk it in. And then I may be wrong. You might get there and the doors locked and there's no receptionist. You put it under the fucking door. Let them step on it.

I don't give a fuck. If you're looking for a fucking job. Listen, do you know how I got my agents and managers in Hollywood? I would find out where the agencies were that I wanted to be at and I would go to happy hour, like right when the agencies would let out work. Fuck taking, like you can take an envelope there, but hang out where they hang out. and I would just talk to people and get to know people, and I would never ask anyone to rep me just slowly over time.

I'd mention what I do. Network. That's the secret. That's smart, too. I also don't look like you, but it went. That wasn't Jake Ellenberger. He didn't throw his voice. I was paid quickly for all you people going,

fuck, Jake could throw his voice. That weed is good. Jake, I'm not going to put you through this anguish anymore. I'm going to let you sit down. It was a bad night. We're going to have you back next month. and not let you smoke pot no more. This one hit home.

I could see you were getting flashbacks of wrestling in high school and all that shit. But it was just great seeing you. I see you. I'm happy you came out to the shows in Irvine and said hello. Oh, thank you. I've always been a fan of you inside and outside the ring. Me, I don't want to see you fight no more. You got a wife and a kid.

I don't want to see you counting fingers and shit like that. I know. So we got to figure out. You showed up today with a line of great stuff, whether they're massage balls. You once gave me a foam roller that was vibrating that I still used from today, so the quality was good.

That was probably three years ago. We met at the back of the Denny's like a drug deal. And you gave me that. One of the balls, which my wife uses. I'm more of a roller guy. What's the website they could go to? Oh, just hyperice. Hyperice.com.

Hyper. Hyper ice, hyper ice, I see. Yeah, I see. Hyperice.com. Do me a favor. If you're any type of, whatever you do, whatever you're doing to get exercise and I like Kate, that's for Kate, this one here, because it's a hypervolt vibration massage device. And I know Kate likes when the guy holds it himself. So he could hold it with his right hand.

and put his cock in your mouth with his left hand and bro that's how you do it any classy guy knows you hold the vibrator and control it so the hands are free and we have see because they'll do it to their speed you got that machine gun vibrate a hand and then you put the cock in it but this

this is brilliant I'm shooting her in the pussy so everybody's getting turned down in the room Kate thinks I'm shooting her in the pussy I think I'm shooting her in the pussy but in reality I'm beating the fuck out of a clip I'm taking it I'm pounding it down it's round and pound it's like the Pizza Hut people they're fixing sidewalks and roadways

oh the admonos yeah dominoes we're doing the same thing here you're fixing clits so they're going to hypervote.com hyper ice hypervolta this is called the hypervault all right it's featuring quiet glide technology so I don't know is it hypervolta hyper ice Yeah, hyper rights the company, yeah. Hyperice.com. Right.

Hyperice.com. They have the hyperbole. That's type ice.com. I don't trust you. He's making a by websites. That's the wrong fucking website. And I believe him. No, I really enjoy that phone roller, guys.

If you're a little old, you know, your recovery is very hard. I roll the back of my legs. I roll each side of my back. Never roll on the spine. Yeah, he's right. They're having a holiday sale. They'll give you a free case. And they have free shipping over 75.

Right now, I see Kate's new vibrating jumping up and down. In fact, we went to hire Kate for a spokesman put Kate like with a construction helmet on and goggles and have me come over and drill with that fucking thing until something bust. You know what I'm saying? They had will be on porn hook.

Let me tell you something. If you have sex and you don't wear goggles, you're not living. Last time I had sex with a stranger, I wore goggles that was sperm everywhere. but that it beats the eyeballs, no. It's not going to hit me like Vizine. I'm a soldier in debt. My brother Jake, I wish you and your family.

A beautiful, happy Alvarez. I'm happy you came up here. It was just good seeing you. You're a good, good guy. Appreciate that. Whatever you decide to do, I love you no matter what. I'm a fan of the juggernaut. Thank you, Joey.

But I appreciate it. You have a family now and a wife and children, and you want to be able to communicate with them. you don't want to sit on a couch 20 years from now swan leaves flies on his neck that hasn't been a flying month and you know I saw a fly two weeks ago

he didn't see nothing I swear to God last week we're sitting here no you did some piece we're talking he opens up his backpack and out flies a fly that was in his backpack no he brought it from his house he's like Ben remember Ben

he used to have mice you know Willard you ever see the movie Willard no you're too young for this shit Anyway, I'm at the Tembler Arena. It's probably sold out. The Tembler Arena. In my mind, it's an arena.

In your mind, it's a brewing company. In my mind, I'm doing to Google Arena. In my mind, I'm performing in front of 30,000 people. You know what I'm saying? I'm like Lewis C.K. Before he took his dick out. I'm fucking living large, bitches. I'm at the Temblah Arena Wednesday night,

the Temblah Brewing Company. And then nothing. till December 27th to the 29th. I'm at Levy Live and Oxnard. I hope to see all you motherfuckers out there. But my man, Jake, always a pleasure. I'll invite you to those shows also. And no more marijuana for you.

That's it. I made a mistake tonight. With the real Jake Ellen Berger's, please stand up. And nobody stands up in the room. There ain't no Jake. Ellenberger no boy and I haven't seen him you must be looking for my twin fucking brother yeah you have a twin brother right yeah right what's your name Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe we don't look nothing alike so fuck him he don't look like you you don't claim him unless he's buying drinks

then he's my brother and I love you know what I'm saying if he's buying dinner I love this fucking guy if not I don't know nothing anyway I love you guys I'll see you bright and early Monday morning in December 10th, ready to fucking rock cock suckers. Have a great weekend. I want to thank my man Jake again. I want to thank Christkiller. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys

for supporting the podcast and making this what it is without you guys that have nothing. I like to thank the beautiful Kate Quigley for showing up with her tight pants, a little fucking fairies wear boots, boots.

And I can see through those pants. thong on that's burning you know what I'm saying the bottom of it is nice and stiff Joey give you take a thong off and it's nice and stiff like the anyway it's crusty yeah yeah I like when the middle is crusty I mean she's got that means she's got character you know what I'm saying all right I want to thank my man Jake Ellenberg who was fucked up to the gills forgive us tonight this weed I got it's 32% it's killing motherfuckers. I'm surprised the poor bastard walked out of here, but I love him with all my heart. He's a good man. He's retired, whatever he's doing. He's got our blessing. Come back whenever the

fuck he wants. I want to thank the fucking Christ killer over here. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys. And don't forget, 23andMe.com. That's the way to go. It's the easiest Christmas present you're going to get for anybody. People love that stuff. And today, from today on, December 6th to the 25th, 23 and me DNA kits are on sale. 23 and me helps you understand what your DNA can tell you about you and your family story. It's named for the 23 pairs of chromosomes that make up our DNA. Now it's easy to do. You simply spit into a tube provided in your 23 and me kit, register your sample to your personal account,

and 23 and me in a few weeks you'll receive a personalized online report. For me, it was nice and easy. I found that I'm from the tip of Spain. I got people from West Africa. I'm American Indian. I'm a little Chinese, and I got a little Russian Jew and me. It was all very interesting, you understand me? And they show your health stuff.

You learn how your genes play a role in your well-being, your lifestyle choices, your muscle composition, your sleep movement, do your arms and legs twitch while you're sleeping. with 23Mee's sleep movement report. Listen, it doesn't stop the salanto taste aversion. Many people dislike cilantro describing the taste of soapy. Do you have the genetic markers associated with the aversion? I mean, this is how deep 23 and me.

It's a phenomenal service. And as a present, they're going to love it. So do me a favor. From today to December 25th, you get 30% off any 23M me kit. order your 23 and me kit.com slash church. That's your kit right now today, 30% off. That's the number, 23andme.com slash church. Again, that's 23andme.com slash church.

You'll be supporting us and you'll be getting somebody a tremendous Christmas present. That's it. It's easy. Get three or four of them. What are you care? You give them out like handshakes, vote for me. Go to 23andme.com slash church. Get 30% off your DNA kit.

Right. Number two, you know, I talk to you people. I talk to you people from the heart. I don't need to sit. Some things you don't need to sell. And that's an asshole washing cleaner, a portable bidet. And that's where Hello Tushy comes in. Why have I been with them for three, four years? Because I love them to fucking death. If it holds my ass, can you imagine what it does for your nice, skinny ass? Now, you want to keep it nice. You want to keep the muffler clean? See, I got a little luf. I like keeping my asshole clean. Even though I don't go down that street, you always want to keep your ass. asshole clean and listen hello tushy provides that service fee with a portable bidet you could pick all their prices started 69 dollars with a 60 day money back guarantee which listen there is tough as

fucking nails okay what you do is you say it takes 15 minutes to install you don't need a plumber i could do it lee could do it lee taught me how to do it over the fucking phone you could even get hot water settings media can you imagine reading the paper with lukewarm water hitting your assail what What the fuck are you going? Where the fuck are you going? Go to hellotushy.com. Take a look at what they got. Again, another Christmas present.

That's easy. They started $69. You show up with that for grandpa. Who's going to leave you more money at the will? Nobody takes care of you like Uncle Joey. Go to hellotushy.com. Again, I want to thank all the guests this week. Who were they?

Jake and my man, who is Monday? Somebody. Oh, fucking Ricky Rocket. You came on a nice, nice guy. Listen to both podcasts. I want to thank them. I want to thank 23 and me. I want to thank fucking quip.

I want to thank Tishy. I want to thank Fuji Sports.com. Anybody who was in our corner, you know, we got you too. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys that listen. Because you're family. We're the church family here. So do me a favor. Enjoy your weekend.

And we'll be back Monday morning, tip-top Magoo, ready to rock. All right. Don't forget, October 27th to the 29th. I'm at Levity Live. December, I'm at Levity Live up there in Oxnard, California. If you're not doing nothing up to Christmas, come on up. Let's smoke a fucking number and have a good time. All right.

Besides that, I'll see you this weekend at the La Jolla Comedy Store. If not, I'll see you next Wednesday at the Temblower up there in beautiful fucking Bakersfield. Have a great weekend. Be safe. Uncle Joey loves you. Stay black. Check this fucking mule league.