The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #643 - Whitney Cummings

Episode Date: December 13, 2018

Whitney Cummings, a stand up comedian, author, and creator of television shows such as "2 Broke Girls" and "Whitney, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Quip - Go to getquip.com/joey and try their dentist designed electric toothbrush. When you go to getquip.com/joey you get your first refill pack FREE with a quip electric tooth brush.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/muffler for 15% off of your portable bidet order.   Robinhood App - an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETF's, options and cryptos - all commission free. Go to church.robinhood.com to get a free stock like Apple, Ford or Sprint.     Recorded live on 12/11/2018.
  

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Dot robin hood.com. This is the way to start the new 2019. Lee, kick that motherfucker meal. Oh shit. A little Jim Morrison. I think it's the Hollywood Bowl. If it isn't, who gives a fuck. You know what I'm saying?

I'm no rocking the dog. guy or whatever. I got Whitney Cummings in this motherfucker. I got the Christ killer in this motherfucker. It's Thursday morning, bitches. Here we go. You ever see him perform this line?

No. With a fucking brown silk suit. I got snakeskin suit on with boots at the Hollywood Bowl. Bishes are faint in and shit. He's coming out. Yeah. Are you fucking kidding me? I think this is

The Hollywood ball. I could be wrong. Makes me want to stick my tits out. What am I doing? Oh, yeah. What is that? Here we go. Hit it.

Fucking blonde. Four at a time. He was fucking dumb blonde. Four at a time. No Burnet. Listen this lyrics. What? That's quote for a.

You're going down, bitch. Take a walk with me. Who do you love? Oh, Papa. Listen, so he was smoking. Who'd do? No, fucking tremendous. That harmonica?

Oh, please. Whitney Cummings, tremendous. Why does that touch my heart? Harmonica. This is, sometimes I put this shit on that sounds outdated, the doors. But you're like... Classic. It's fucking classic.

If that song were to be released today, it'd be the number one hit for two years, I feel like. You think so? It's just re-released. Don't you think? If it was a new artist. Yeah, somebody re-did it. Really? Uh, thank you.

The guy that did the 50 for 50 tour in the 80s, re-did it. Not as good. You know, I like, he always sings about booze. I don't know. I don't know. Jake Daniels and fucking,

it don't fucking matter. Oh, Johnny Cash? No. George Storgood? George Sterling the Destroyers. We did it, but not. It wasn't no fucking Jim Morrison shit. Jim Morrison took it to a different level.

Whitney Cummings, a pleasure. Seven years. You're like the Jim Morrison of comedy. I'm fucking waiting here for you. Seven years. I'm waiting here on the street corner like fucking the singer from Guns of Rojas in November rain. I'm sitting there. I've always wanted to do your show.

I'm too intimidated by you. And we just didn't know. We were both intimidated by each other. That's so weird. That can't be true. First of all, I got, is he bullshitting me? No.

I get very intimidated by someone. He would bring you up and be like, I don't want to bother out the story. I don't want to bother people. You know, some. some women have and I didn't it wasn't an air of bitchiness or nothing it was just an air of um whitney fucking cummings and I respected that that's super kind I I you have this too like before I go on I'm not that social like I'm kind of like super focused and I'm trying to get a vibe of the crap like I'm not great at socializing at the comedy store until after my set and I think a lot of

people think that I'm like a bitch or like aloof and it's not I'm just like insecure and I'm trying to like try out new shit and you know and the comedy store's gotten super like popping lately and it's there's like agents in there and pretty i just get nervous here's the deal you go there to the great paul mooney once told me to be an entertainer you have to be entertained so tuesday nights what i do is if my spots at 10 30 yeah i like to go into sam's room and make some extra money or who's ever in there but i'll tell you what's fun you know what's fun to smoke Half a dude, maybe pop a quarter of his annex, and sit in Mitzie's chairs in the back

and watch the three people that are up before you. If you did that and watched my set, I would leave. I do it all the time. I do it all the time. I went down there to watch you the other night. If I had known that, I would have. No, I didn't let you. And then I walked out of the front when you were getting on.

This is why I do flapper. This is why I do little clubs. No, I need to. I don't like comics I respect. want to learn from you. I see what you're doing. Remember, unless you're a fucking moron that you can learn something from every comic,

whether at the open mic level to the highest level, an open mic comic has something that'll go, fuck, I used to do that. Yep, yep. Okay, don't tell me. And a fucking pro like Ron White will do something, you go, fuck, I got to start doing that.

So. When I watch Ron White, I'm just like, the music. So you got you, Delia, Ali Wong, Rogan, and then me. No. Okay, so I got to watch everybody. I watch Delia, and I'm sitting back and I'm going,

now when I'm watching Delea, I'm going, thank God I don't got to follow this bitch. Because that's been slow debts for me. Yeah. I followed Delea. It took me about six months to get the hangout. So high attitude. And if they're with him, you're done.

I had to follow you one night. I don't think you remember this at the comedy store. That's right. You were killing. Like the building was shaking. Like it was like shit was shaking. And I think you did a half hour. Am I wrong?

22. I think you did more than 15 minutes and it was just like, I mean, it was like applause break after setups. Like you were killing so hard. I was like looking around. I was like, anyone, I got to, I lied about having a migraine.

I do get migrants. I was like to someone in my head starting to hurt. Like just thinking about going on after you. And I got up. And I was like, I can do this. I can fucking handle it. And I had to re.

group. I just like like barreled into my material and I tried to just like channel your momentum and they were not having it. And I had to like I had to go okay guys. I know you guys miss Joey. So do I. Let's just regroup. Like I had to just address it because there was this like a morning in the room that you had gotten off stage and I just had to totally reset the energy. Sometimes Sebastian will do that. I learned that from Sebastian when he follows like a really high energy act. He'll kind of just pace around like like a fucking lion in a cage for like 30 seconds and just kind of like get the focus back on to him that was the original teachings of Mitsy Shaw really to for me to punch you in the face and for you to be able to put your hands up breathe and think about what your next move is

that's why I take my daughter to bully buster because every class you get the belted in the head and it makes her think or she belt somebody in the head and life is all about getting belted in the head and what's your next move if I belt you in the head and cover your head you lost a war right you know when I first went to the store it was Domerara that was unfallable yeah unfollow I mean I would I remember driving down there like with tears in my eyes like why am I going to go down to die and a black guy with dreads that isn't around no more he was spotless clean and a killer he had been around for 25 years He was there from the beginning, and Mitzie would still give him spots at 12.30.

And I would have to go from following him in the original room to Dom in the main room. So I would go down there just to take two beatings. And then it takes a couple months to learn. Once you go up there and go, let's keep it going for Whitney Cummings. Isn't she great? I wish I could. You died. You died.

I have to go up there and say, let's keep it going for Whitney Cummings. But then, without saying this, I got to go, fuck Whitney Cummings. But then, without saying this, I got to go, fuck Whitney Cummings. He's Uncle Joey time now, bitches. And you have to learn how to make that transition. And what you're saying is now clicking for me about watching the comic before. Because Dom, whenever he goes after a comic, I've noticed he'll kind of do tags on the jokes before him of the set before. Why that?

And it kind of like fuses the energy. And it's tremendous for the room. Yeah, it's tremendous for the room. And it feels like we're all a team. And it's not like the audience is like, oh, here's our commercial break. You know, like it's just it's not such a hard pivot. And he does it so master. Like whenever he follows me, he'll do a bunch of tags on my jokes, which I'm like, can I have those?

And I think it makes it less like traumatic for the audience, energy-wise. Now, you're a young woman. You've had great success in L.A. in a long time. You've been here how long? 11 years? More than that, I think. I feel like I said five years for like 10 years. So I moved out here in like 2003.

Fucking tremendous. Up up, straight out of college. Acting arts. Yeah. And just started writing. Boom, bam. You know, yes and no. Like, I think everyone kind of knows about your successes

and nobody publicizes your failures, right? No one's blasting out all the shows that didn't go or all the scripts that didn't get made. But the first job I got was that show punked, which was that. Steve or the Z's. Yeah, he was on it. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I forgot he was on it. Fuck, yeah. I think he was the season after me. BJ Novak was on it. Dax Shepard, I think, was on it. That's how Dax blew up. That's how Dax blew up pretty much. that first season and um and but that was paying you know for after scale once every three weeks or

you know i wasn't actually um you know paying my bills or anything but i remember i would write specs like i'd write specs for tv shows and i was like writing scripts but most of them never got made i mean i wrote like four pilots that never got made and then my first real job i got a job writing on last call with carson daily like i got a stand-up spot on there and then they let me write because i think they just like needed a girl. And then I always wanted to write for the roasts. Like that was just my dream. And I would like write jokes. I would write jokes. And they said like, nope, they're not hiring anybody. Like they have the same group of dudes that they always have. And I just kept writing jokes. And I just wouldn't take note for an answer. And I wrote for the, was it the flavor flavor roast.

I want to say, I wrote like 17 pages of jokes for everyone that I thought might be on the show. Lisa Lampinelli, Jeff Ross, Greg Joraldo, like all the guys that are kind of normally on it. And I sent it in and there was a joke they really wanted. So they had to hire me for a week. And it was, it was ended up a comic name Samor ended up doing it. But the joke was about Flav or Flav. And the joke was, uh, Flav, you look like what Magic Johnson should look like right now. So that was a joke.

And they wanted to use it and they couldn't just, you know, so they had to like hire me for a week, which like was a formality, but I was just like working my ass off to try to get them to help me back. the next week so I ended up writing on the roast and then I ended up doing the roast so I think that's kind of the first thing that I kind of did that anyone cared about you've been relentless relentless and then I still remember I wasn't going to the store you were really fucking smacking people around what and you produced this stand-up show on showtime I can't believe you remember that okay this is this is this is what I'm going to tell you why I remember that because up to that time yeah I was funny and I had my moments and whatever but I was

missing something something was missing from my act to get me to that next level huh and your show came on on a Friday night or something and there was a particular comic that I'm gonna leave nameless that I was dear friends with and he told me he was gonna tape your show so I the show came on you come out welcome to my show blah blah blah blah and I gotta take your shit but the bathroom was close to the TV so I'm like she's probably gonna bring up somebody else before my friend let me just go in there and take this shit but I took the shit with the bathroom door open I was probably taking a shit on stage you brought my friend on

stage you brought my friend on stage and I real and I had been friends with this person for years and then like to stand up he had moments that he made me laugh but he had the same problem I had that something was missing and from me listening I couldn't watch him had to listen to his set while I was taking his shit, I said, that's it. I'm not doing no style of jokes no more. And I became a storytell.

From you doing that show and me listening to that comic and realizing how bad he really was, I started storytelling. This is blowing my mind. This is how crazy it is. And I'll tell you after the show with the comic. So I'm the reason you're the Richard Pryor of our day?

No, no, no, no. The reason why, while I was taking a shit, I heard him do the material. And I love, when I had the opportunity to do a podcast, I loved it. And I did not want it edited. I did not want music at it. Well, you're so fucking good at it. I didn't want anything to it.

I wanted it to, I grew up on, how old is your dad? He's passed, but he would be 74. Oh, it's okay, no, I think. I'm sorry. Oh, don't, thanks. You know, when you're 50, we grew up on listening to albums. All those Richard Proff albums and all that shit I have. Yep.

I learned done listening. not viewing. There was no special for that. I was a kid. So I had to buy by Centennial nigger. I had a buy, was it

something I said. I had to buy George Carlin live. I had to buy all these hours. You couldn't walk around. It wasn't in the car. It wasn't out in the gym. So by me listening to that guy, do those fucking straight,

dumb type jokes. Yeah, they get a laugh and they get a laugh in the club. You'll be a feature act for the rest of your life. You'll be a great feature for the rest of your life doing those types of jokes.

But no one, you go off stage. No one knows who you are. Nobody knows who you are. No one's changed. Right from that decision from being in that bathroom, I wiped my ass, and I went out there, watched the rest of the show, and that Monday I started writing a blog on Myspace.

I would write a story about my life, misspelling words, your and your, like I hadn't written since college. I hadn't written anything since I'm talking about a joke on a piece of paper, and you tried, but I hadn't gotten in front of a computer or anything since college. So I lost all my pronunciation, and I started writing a blog. every Monday, no matter what I did, that blog had to be up about a particular story of my life. Me mugging somebody, me fucking,

having sex with somebody behind a tree, and it turned me into a story. All stuff that couldn't be one-liner. Letting people, even if it is a one-liner, why is it a one-liner, how does it affect you? And how is it going to affect the audience by you saying it this way? So this is the reason why I'm telling you this fucking joke.

And this is the reason why you're going to fucking believe it and laugh at it. And remember it and be bonded to me. I wasn't doing that. I was doing kind of a Rodney type thing. One-liners are great. Have you ever seen somebody do one-liners or 45 minutes? I have seen it. You want to stick a knife in your life.

You want it. It's like, if it's monotonous. It's hard. No disrespect to anybody that's handicapped. I loved handicapped comics, but it's tough to pay $45. But yeah, yeah, yeah. After 20 minutes, you're like, how much, Y, ye, ye's gonna get.

You know, that's why you gotta put them in 20 minute shows because if not, you get out all y, you get out and fucking, you know what I'm saying? No offense to nobody. I'm just telling you the truth. You know, it's like the Chinese guy with a ping pong ball. Right. For 20 minutes, I don't want to see it no more, you know what I'm saying?

All right, you can do a ping pong ball. It's like, I'm just fucking seasick. Yeah, I'm impressed. I don't know why I'm nauseous from it. You don't want the guy that sucks you in and tells you why. I suck three dicks that night. Right. Tell me why.

Yeah. If you're on a woman and you go, well, I suck three dicks, I suck the great dick. I'm impressed with you. And you know what? If I had a rock a Coke, I'd probably talk to you after the show. But if you told me why you sucked the three dicks, it would make me feel a lot different. So that's what I did from that, from listening to that comic on your show. All my, and that was at the, what year was that?

That was like, must have been if I, 2007, yeah, seven, eight, eight. And eight, maybe, because that was like the first thing I ever produced and I kind of fell into it in a weird way. They wanted me to write jokes. But then I started this, like, then they were like, well, you know, comics, why don't you just produce it? Like, I didn't really know what I was doing, you know. Didn't matter. And I really kind of just, like, booked comics that I either had their number or I thought they didn't like me. And I wanted to, like, give them a job so that they'd like me more.

Like Ian Edwards, I never knew if he liked me or not. And I, like, loved him. So I was like, hey, you want to do my show. It was like, my way. I was like trying to get like to hang out with him. Yeah. Or just like people who I thought that I at least knew that I knew needed like a TV set or need like Chris Delia.

I don't think he had done a TV set at that point. And him and I were doing like open mics and doing like Long Beach bowling alleys and shit. And I was like I think this guy's pretty good. And then just people that needed like a tape, you know, because back then if you didn't have a tape, you didn't have shit. You need a tape. Remember that? You need a five minute tape to do the talk shows to do Letterman to do Leno.

Everyone was just trying to get a tape. And I would never send the tape out. Yeah. I would send blank tapes out. That's amazing. And sometimes they call me and say, yes, that was great. But we're not gonna use you for this segment, shit like that. Wait, shut out.

You would intentionally send a blank. I would send blank tapes to everybody. The best one was the guy from Houston, Mark Badd, who called me back and said, your tape was great. And he was a cokehead in half. But that's how I got with him. And then years later, I heard about Chelsea sending the tape out

with her fucking on the washing and dryer at the end. Is that true? I mean, it's like fucking everybody. I never saw it. Was it sent to the comedy store? No, it was sent to different bookers and it was sent like as a joke from Chelsea. I heard it was a joke from Chelsea.

Oh, got it. Because Chelsea made, put five minutes of her doing standoff. And then her getting fucked on a washer dryer just to see if they would watch past that certain point. It's a pretty good It's a pretty good job And then they came back out of years later And said she put out the sex tape

And she was like No, I was joking Oh she did it as a joke I sent it out I remember that now Do you remember now? That's why she's like She totally fucking

Slamp they were like yeah Assholes She's like hey dummies Guess who sent that out Yeah me Me because the guy at the comedy store Was one that edited for her And he after about three weeks

He couldn't take it And he had to tell somebody I just added in their tape For Chelsea They tried doing five minutes and fucking at the end on a washer dry. So Chelsea just wanted to fuck with people. I thought that's what it was.

That's so funny. I think you're right. You're definitely right. And then towards the end of her show, they came back at it and said, you have to unearth some scandal. Don't try to make this thing. They even tried to blackmail her. They even tried to like say we have a sex tape.

Chelsea doesn't give a fuck. She's like, guys. She gets no fucks. You want that tape? I got it at my house. No, yeah. I'll tweet this shit. I'll tweet this minute.

I'll tweet this minute. Yeah, I look good. Back then, yeah, I would love to tweet my naked body from 15 years ago. Do you know I knew Chelsea back then? I knew Chelsea, I think you knew her probably before I did. 98. Yeah, you knew her before I did. 98.

I mean, I knew her when she got her, like, right before she got the pilot. I tortured her, and she fucking hated me ever since. Oh, no. Hated me ever since. At the black club on next to the chicken place. In L.A.? Yeah, down on Wilshire. There's a black club.

The union or something? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, what happened to that place? I think it's still going on. Is it? Yeah, it's still going on. I remember going there.

Is that the place in the open mic you have to pick out of a bucket? Like all these open micers come and they put in their name. They have a lot of those now. But you wait. You don't even pick it out and say go home. It's a lottery. They make you wait the whole time. You have to wait four hours.

That's why I try not to do them. I get stuck at going to a few of the same places because that's brutal. Like the Improv Olympic does that too. You wait for three hours. That's how it does it a lot of places. It is. It is? How crazy is that?

The one on Hollywood is Yeah, close to the year to us, right? It is crazy. It was there for that long. Like the best real estate in the city that Improv Olympic was paying that rent next to the Roosevelt. The Improv Olympic was a rip-off.

I only went to go to stand-up and you'd go at 4 o'clock and you'd wait till 10 and probably not even get up. It was a fucking ripo. That's why I only did bars. I would do that Westwood Brewco. Do you ever go down there?

Never. In Westwood? That's Neals, right? It was no. Oh, no. Neals is Westside Comedy Theater. That's now. But there was a bar at Westwood on the UCLA campus that we would go to on Mondays and Thursdays.

You show up at 10 o'clock and you go on at like 1 a.m. You just wait. And it's a bunch of drunk college kids like, like just walking out during your set, singing karaoke next door. It was a nightmare. I mean, I did shitholes for a long time. That lucky strike bowling alley. This is why I think you and I never saw each other. Because you were doing clubs and I was doing like rooms.

I was doing rooms. I was doing like miagis. You remember the sushi restaurant? They used to have a room there. Tuesday nights. Yeah, that's right. Tuesday night, 10 o'clock. And they'd have MTV jams playing on the TV loud,

so you'd have to scream over the 90s R&B music. Now, across the street, was it still Jay Davis, Dane Cook? I missed that. Dublin's, I was never there. I came right after Dublin. Let me tell you something, man. You get nostalgic about your comedy career. You think about, like, there's nights I make that right on Laurel Canyon to the comedy store,

and my heart stopped. 20 years ago That was First off When you're in Park Town Lowell Canyon Right there This is sunset

That's the fucking mall And the fucking dragon Virgin Megastore That's a gas station If you look to your right Right there That used to be a rock club Huge comedy

Huge comedy Huge comedy That nightclub was an old guitar Like Nirvana So Mondays Tuesdays and Wednesdays They let 10 comics up between seven and nine

and then the rock bands came on at nine. Oh shit. You went down 30 more yards. Takito, whatever, across the street. There's the National Lampoon building. Yep, yeah, Pinchase Tacos. Then there's the Pinchies Tacos. There was a bar under there, the Union.

That was... It's called the Den now. Yeah. That was booked by Ahmed Ahmed and... What's the movie star? Tom Cruise. You used to run a room? No.

Him and... But this is when they, Dodgeball. Dodgeball. Him and Will Ferrell? No. No. When they hit that movie in 98, what's that movie him and John Favreau and the other fucking guy did swingers? When they did swingers, they were all doing, they all lived together.

So I met I met him Vince Vaughn lived together. So I met I met and Vince Vaughn put together a room at the union. They would go. Then Vince Vaughn broke up with his girlfriend and she stayed in the apartment with, I met I met pretty girl Great girl and they would run the room together That became a fucking drug comedy Nick DePaulo, Pauli Shum

I mean that was like Because Tuesday night was The all black night at the comedy store Right so the original room would only get eight white people So wait trip in Tuesdays has been going on Is that what Is Tripping Tuesdays What's Tripping Tuesday?

Is that comedy store Urban Night? That was that was something else That was called, that was the brothers, the two brothers from St. Louis, that the one guy did American X and the other guy did the Jackson, the Michael Jackson, the Janet Jackson movie, Joe Torrey. That's right, Joe Torrey. Oh, that's crazy. And that place was sold out every fucking Tuesday. Oh, I remember when I first came, like, you have these little photographs in your minds that are just emblazoned in your brain, and one of them was Tori. Like I remember going to a comedy store

I remember the first time I went on the OR stage And you know letterman is written in lights right Yakov Smyrnoff I never knew what that even I didn't even know I was just like yeah I go and uh those were burned in my brain as I was bombing as an open mic Because I would go every Sunday and Monday to the comedy store open mic and doc would help me out You know and uh I remember going up there but joe tory that's one of them also Crazy Cindy Crazy Cindy and then and then the union fizzled out

And Jay Davies moved in there with the beginning of the Dane Cook and area. But across the street on Tuesday nights was danger. Why? Miyagi's was pure danger. Because every comic found... Eat that sushi, you're in a lot of danger. Because every comic found out they'd give you free sushi if he did a set. 10 p.m. Tuesday sushi is, I don't recommend it.

Ralphie Mae. It was all those savages. But I still remember being at Jay Davis's room. Dublin. And getting a call from my ex-tripper girlfriend going, where are you? And I'm like, I'm at the Dublin's. And she's like, come across the street. You're not going to believe this.

It was Whitney Houston singing, I will always love you. Bobby Brown was in the audience. And then when she got off, fucko got up on stage, hit me, baby, one more time. Britney Spears? Britney Spears? At Miyagi? At Miyagi's on a Tuesday night or you can eat sushi. That's how big it had blown up to.

Like Tuesday? That is bananas. Next to the pink taco now. I know exactly. It was two floors. Upstairs. You got on stage. I remember there was a bridge.

Remember there was a moat? Like you had to go up on stage and there was a little bridge between you and the audience. Like a little coy ponds. I don't think there was, because I just remember one time watching Duncan Trussel go up there with his fucking suitcase. back when he went to them and I remember he's like no one could hear any of us and we couldn't tell if we were all just bombing so hard or if they actually just couldn't hear us because the audience was so far away and they were playing MTV jams like loud and he just started like insulting people in the

audience saying the most insane shit and we were dying I mean it was like the hardest I think one of the hardest the hardest the times I've ever laughed besides brodie Stevens ringing in the new year like eight years ago at the comedy store and telling people in the audience that he was going to ruin their New Year's Eve. I will ruin your New Year's at 1145 on New Year's Eve. A bunch of couples just sitting there with balloons hanging, just booking. Are you doing New Year's this year? Phoenix.

Are you really? You're a Fawalsy Savage. Yeah, Phoenix is fun. Phoenix Stand Up Live. I don't think it's Stand Up Live. It's a new place. I don't remember what it's called. It's brand new.

Is it Stand Up Live? Yeah, Stand Up Live, 650. I think it's the... Are you doing the whole weekend or just New Year? It's called CB. So you're doing the theater, darling. It's new, maybe. It's called CB on Tatum.

I don't even know. They just booked their shit. I don't ask a lot of questions. But I think it's the same owner. Okay, so. Phoenix. And are you doing the whole weekend prior to that? I know, but I'm just, I'm in Portland up until New Year's Eve.

I do Portland and then I go to Phoenix. Hitting it. I'm doing Oxnard that week, but I'm not doing it. That club is gorgeous. Oxnine. Love it. I love it. Love it.

I can't wait. Perfect box. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. I love Ontario. I love doing shows around L.A.

that aren't right in L.A. How's the new brand? Huge. Have you been in there? And excellent. Yes. It's great. It's...

You know, Irvine? I eat a bag of dicks. You know what? I always eat shit at Irvine. Okay. There's two people. Irvine and Cobbs. I go there just to die, a slow death.

You don't bobbing Cobb. Oh, how much we're just going there? So, like, politically correct? I gotta go in there asshole first. Just asshole first and no grease. Co-co butter, maybe if you're lucky. That's how I gotta go on stage and cops.

Is it because they're still PC, like San Francisco? Yeah, the punchline is where I get down. Yeah, punchline is fun. You should just do Palace of Fine Arts. You should just do a theater. You get your people. You don't get a bunch of... How is the Palace of Fine Arts?

Beautiful. Okay. Theater, what is it? 7,000, not even 1,000 seats. You do two shows? I haven't done it in a while because I did cop last time I was there. I did a full weekend at cops.

But yeah, you'll do two shows one night. Yeah, you do a 7 and a 9. It's beautiful. Because I think that Cobbs, you need a lot of walk-ins that are sort of like, you're not allowed to say that. For one week, and I caught in line with Ari. I bombed until a little Saturday and late show. I just couldn't take it no more.

I just couldn't take it no more. By the way, bombing at Cobbs is a very specific type of bombing because it's very cavernous. Oh, my God. It's very deep. It's very deep. Like, you can't, like there's certain places like the punchlines. If you're eating shit, you can kind of fix it.

You can kind of because you can see the audience. But if you're bombing at cops, I mean, you are. It's a death. It's dead. It's dead. It's dead. It's rough. Shit, shit.

And it's like, you know what else? Every time I'm in there, I always think a fire is going to start. I always think of the movie Carrie when I'm up on stage. It's one of those places that has that fire look to it. By the way, I would love for blood to come down and drench me. That might get some laughs, actually. I love to see them light them up. Like, every time I'm up there, I'm like, somebody could start a fire in the back.

I don't know why. Every comedy club, I'm surprised they don't. catch on fire every day. It's an old building. That one smells like arson. I know arson when I see it. I know arson when I see it and I can tell that building has arson written all over it. You know, they burnt the old one.

No, no, they built the old cobs. I'm not joking. What do you mean? Go online. They used to be in old cobs. I got lit on fire. Don't tell me my business. But here's what I can.

Don't tell me my business. I know a building when it's going to go on fire. Here's what I'll say. Everyone in San Francisco vapes now. Nobody smokes. It don't mean none. All you need is a little butane. I got Jews that are going to your place,

the little butane in their sock. And one of those matches, they light off their foot, you know, off their shoes. Your business will be in flames like fucking, the communist guerrillas lit the palace of fucking whatever in flames and that fucking thing. What's that narco show I watched again this week? Wait, so Cobbs used to be, it burned down?

Cobb used to be somewhere else. In 2002, hold on. Come my dog. Why do you think I'll be dropping? Who was it? I don't. I believe you. It was on Chestnut Street in the marina. And then in 2002, it moved to Columbus Ave.

What was it? Was it carrot top practicing his act? I don't know what happened. How did it catch on fire? I don't know what happened. I don't know. That's fucking crazy. Well, you know, whenever you walk through kitchens at comedy clubs, it's kind of a fun thing to do.

You walk through the kitchen. You're just looking around and you're like, fingers crossed, we're going to survive tonight. you know, when you go around some of these older clubs. Oh, there's some, like, I was a lawyer this weekend. I loved that club. I was there two weeks ago. What I'm going to do is that is the club. I'm going to the week before I taped them.

I'm doing it. I'm doing four nights at the March 20th, the week before my special. Where are you taping? Always, D.C. Oh, you're going back home? Yeah. Yeah. I had, you know, the last two specials I taped here because there's something to be

said for like you do 50 cities and then like you're doing your special and you get on the road and you're sleeping in a home. hotel. So I was like, let me just sleep in my own bed. So I did that Brod Theater in Santa Monica for one. And then I did Irvine, Barclay Theater out there at University of California Irvine. And then I was like, I want to do LA again. And I was like, you know what? It's just, I'm worried LA's, it's, it's feeling too much like an echo chamber. And I don't want this to feel like a liberal elite comedy special. Like I wanted to work everywhere. I'm going everywhere. And then I just want to shoot it in D.C. Because there's a little bit of everything there, like a diverse city.

D.C. is the weirdest town because I do great there. That's, why is that weird? You do great everywhere. I go off in that place. I love it. I love it. I love it. I go off in that place. I love it. There's secrets in D.C. There's lies in D.C. Everyone in D.C. has like, you know, it's like, you know, it's like Hollywood, but a different business. You know, I grew up in D.C. And it's like, it's, whereas L.A. is about fame. New York's about money. D. D. D. You go there because you want some kind of power. You want to be involved. You want. in the scene you know it's just a different kind of Hollywood and it's a lot of it's a lot of sinister shit goes on in DC you know it's a lot of motherfuckers live there and that's kind of what I like about it and there's a lot of diversity this last time I went I had John Berthol on the show yeah love him I'm I have you seen a movie called me Earl and the dying girl no he is his performance in it is a plus well I didn't know he was in DC oh I didn't either yeah so we were

And I'm like, I'm in D.C. this week. It's like, where are you going to go? I'm at the 930 club. It's like, oh. Yo, that is the 930 club. So he went off. He's like, you don't understand. That's like a religious experience.

I used to go there to the go-go dancing. Well, Dave Grohl. I mean, that's like, do you see. So Henry Rollins, I saw Henry Rollins for the first time when I was 15 years old at the 930 club. Like 930 Club was like where I saw like MXPX, all these like straight edge bands. Like 930 Club is like the Roxy in D.C. It's like. I was tremendous.

I can only do one show. I could have sold out two. I can't believe you before. Was it awesome? Awesome. I think I'm going to go back. I think I want to go back. You should.

You should. That was perfect. The 930 Club is like one of the top five most like magical venues. Why? It's just that every great band like rock band kind of, it's like a right of passage to play there. Like so much history has been made. And what's go-go music like?

Go-Go music is like you can't not. Like you just can't like I don't give a fuck who you dance I don't give a fuck who you are I don't give a fuck who you voted for I don't care what your bodily injuries are when gogo comes on you're just like it unites us in a like no one's like oh this shit you know everyone's so opinionated about music but there's some kind of visceral it's like uh it's like you're rolling on e or something when you hear it like you can't not smile when it comes on you know it just like unites everybody whereas I feel like now music is like polarizing people People like, oh, I like this band, fuck that band.

And you're like, Jesus, it's music. Like, when did we get so angry about music? You know? Dave Girl did that show on HBO, and it was, what was it? I think I might be getting the name wrong, but it was like episodes of like music. Music, right. In different cities. Did he go to 930?

Did he go to 930? Dave one on DC, a whole thing on 930 Club. And like the DC music scene in the 80s, it's fucking awesome. It's awesome. And it kind of explains all that. What was your childhood like? I mean, obviously awesome. Really?

No, I grew up in an alcoholic home. I grew up in an alcoholic home. Mom, dad. Mom. Mom. And dad gone, you know, I don't talk a ton about my dad because I'm still kind of processing all of it and I'm still really like protective of him. He was my hero. But, you know, being a man without money at that time with kids and complications, you know, you've got to do a lot of sketchy shit, you know.

So I actually have a lot of admiration for him. Whereas when I was younger, I was like, my dad lied to me. My dad didn't pick me up from school. And his mistresses picked me up from school and he did all this fucked up shit. And like, I'm a 12-step program now. But it's like I now know like in my cells that like he did the best he could. And that being a man during that time and the way my grandfather raised him, like, you know, he just didn't have the tools. Like men back then weren't like, I have to hug my daughter and tell her how smart she is.

Like he just didn't learn that. You know, and I liked that he didn't raise me as if I was a girl, if that makes any sense. He kind of raised me like I was his son. You know, we were playing sports. We were playing basketball. You know, the time I did have with him, he was just, like, beating the shit out of me on the basketball court, making sure I was good. You know, and, like, slamming me with spelling words to make sure I was going to do well on the test. Like, he didn't care if I liked him.

He only wanted me to succeed in life. You know, he taught me a work ethic that was like next level. You know, I'm the same way with Murphy. Really? I'm to the point where she's big into martial arts. She's really excelling over there. That's awesome. At the age of five.

I mean, she excels. That's crazy. That's crazy. She excels at everything. Like, she's good at the pool. They like her. That's because you probably don't coddle her when she doesn't achieve anything. I try to raise how my mother raised me.

I was raised without a dad for a few years. So my mom had to play both hands of the fence. And when you see a woman do that, it's really hard. I respect it. Like, you respect your dad today. I respect my mother for that smack in the head When I wouldn't get off the donkey On 86th Street and Broadway

And shit like that You know, like I just So I try to treat it the same way The other night she clocked me in the face My mom smacked me in the face once I didn't smack her back I just grabbed her and said You can't do this

And I explained to her why And I gave her a timeout And she was very apologetic And she's She wants to do good Yeah She's good But I'm going to try to raise her the same way your dad raised you.

He would always say to me, I don't need you to like me. I'd be like, I hate you. And he's like, I don't care. He's like, I'm going to make it hard in here, so it's easy out there. How long ago did he pass? Two years, year and a half. You still think about him or a lot? Yeah, a lot.

I'll start crying. Yeah, it was really fucked up. The story is too horrifying. I don't want to upset it. No, no, no, no. I don't want to bring it out of you right now. Yeah. But he was a badass, like Duke of Deception, warrior, you know.

Was he a gangster? He was a, what we just called, like, a white-collar criminal. Okay, we would love shark. Yeah, like, we would have, like, really expensive paintings in our studio apartment. And, you know, I got, like, an Acura when I turned 16. Like, I'd get collateral with me. Like, I would, you know, for Christmas when I was eight, I got, like, an engagement ring. Like, all right.

Like, you know, he was, and I think at the time I didn't understand how, like, magical his existence was because I was so, I just wanted more of his time and I couldn't get it, you know, and because he was always gone and he'd leave for a day, but then I'll be back tomorrow and I wouldn't see him for like a month. And then he'd come back with, you know, with all these incredible stories and gifts. And, you know, that was confusing for me. And he'd leave me in dangerous situations and stuff, which I think at the time, he didn't understand how dangerous they were. So I'm still a place in my life where I'm trying to delineate like anger around it and resentment around it and just acceptance that like he did the best that he could. You know, but he was a motherfucker and I'm grateful because you have to be a motherfucker to survive. I was mom's. Mom is, you know, I'm really grateful that she worked when I was a kid because I saw how hard you have to work. And I'm grateful for that. But yeah, I mean, she's, I have a lot of addiction in my family.

A lot of it. You said you were in a 12-step program. I'm an Al-Anon, yeah. And this is the one where you grow up around people who... That's right. Because a lot of times...

That's right, because you, when you grow up an alcoholic home, you develop this over-developed sense of responsibility where you think you have to solve everybody else's problems because as a kid, you're the one making dinner, you're the one handling shit, you're the one, you know,

got to go to school. You're the one like organizing, you know, carpool. Like, I just had to be an adult way too young and you also get addicted. to adrenaline and excitement, you know? So even coming out of the womb, like, I was already like, so you tend to recreate your childhood circumstances by seeking out broken people, other addicts, chaos, adrenaline, stuff like that, and then perfectionism, because I had to work so hard

to get attention that the message I got was like, if you're not perfect, you're not worthy of love, you know? So that's, Alamon is like, you know, a lot about that. It's, you know, they say like in A.A., you know, Whereas addicts that use substances or alcohol are addicted to alcohol or cocaine, whatever, Alamans are addicted to people who are addicted to alcohol or cocaine or whatever. Fuckups. Right. No, I mean, just addicted to the drama of like, I'm going to save you and I'm going to fix you. And I'm going to.

It's going to work. You're the fucking do it enough. If I just love you enough. Less than zero. And it's really, it's a martyr complex. It really is. We say the three. It really is.

Mothering, Mardering, micromanaging. That is sort of what we end up having. which it's its own defect. Like, let people have the dignity of their own experience. It's like you have like a god complex. Like, you have to rescue everybody. And it's just like obnoxious. My mother was an alky.

My mother had a bar. So her alcoholism was based off her business. She thought like Bert, for her to sell drinks, you had to have drinks. So she would get there at 10 and start belt on the mouth. I grew up around her cocaine, like in the 70s. in the 70s and late 60s, I would tell her wipe her nose. Like, you're fucking embarrassing me.

Like, I still remember being seven or eight and going, Doug, wipe your fucking nose with you? I added that together, that I could say that, and she would apologize later on. And, you know, she goes, I do it once in a while. I don't give a fuck. Just keep your nose clean around me, you know. I grew up with that.

It was funny because Monday I went to Mercy's school recital at 8.30 in the fucking morning. It was that night that I got to. home and I fucking couldn't fall asleep. Even after those nights. You gotta be up somewhere and it's her thing and I want to look nice and fucking all night long. I kept

I thought I had a pee and I would get up, take my dick out, no pee comes out. Why am I waking up? Why am I waking up before? No pee comes out. Then you go back and then again something out. You're cold. You check your phone. You really can't sleep. Yeah, it's a nightmare. It was funny

that I went to her thing and I got a little high before I went that morning just to sooth it and out and I sat. I went to the kindergarten with her and read the book while my wife got the seat so we would have to wait on line like Studio 54 was a huge line. So we got

the seat when I was sitting there watching my daughter. It's so funny. Wait until you have a kid Whitney Houston, Whitney County someday and all this shit comes back in front of you. And that's why I'm in Al-Anon because I don't want to repeat the same shit. Like all the shit that So no, no, I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about while I'm sitting there. When she came out, I saw her like, go like this. When she saw me, her little face just melted, and she just went. Like she can't wink with this eye, but she really tried to, and she looked at me, and my wife goes, she didn't even look at me. She doesn't give a fuck. But right of where I thought about one time when it was my birthday. And in those days, my mom would get home.

you know, I was five or six. My mom would get home at 3.30 in the morning from New York. She would wake up with me, dress me, get me ready for school. But just from the smell and just from the look at her, I knew that, you know, that was as good as it was going to get. And I never questioned her. I liked walking to school by herself. Her being an Alki gave me the independence that I wanted. Do you understand me?

I do like being alone. You being passed out at two is actually kind of convenient for me. Most people want their parents to be passed out all day. So I would go to school. And sometimes I come home for lunch and she'd still be passed out. And sometimes I come home at three. And now she'd have the house coat on. And she was making bets on the phone and numbers and figuring out what the school of the Mets game was.

So I had a birthday party. It's my fucking birthday. I'm in kindergarten. I'm Spanish. It's all white kids. Nobody really likes me. They don't know what a fucking Cuban is. I'll never forget that at 2 o'clock.

and the afternoon there was a knock on the door. And there was my mother with the Puerto Rican, with her little Puerto Rican buddy, and they were both fucked up already. You could see, and they came with two cases of Coke and cans and a Carvel ice cream cake, and I became the hero of the day.

Like, I never forgot that. Carvel, oh, the whale. That's my shit. Oh, shit. That was, that was, the whale. The whale. All those first graders, the kindergards went crazy. My mom was the favorite mom.

The hero. Everybody's mother brings Kool-Aid. What fuck? This lady showed up with two cans. It's a Carvel bitch, yeah. Two cases of coax and cans and whatever. And I'll never forget that memory. I was good with my mom after that.

She never did anything else ever again. I was good with that simple memory of her showing up at 2 o'clock, hungover as fuck. You could already tell she had a shot of something. Because in the morning, she would wake up with Heineken and tomato juice. she would do three or four of those those were breakfast then an egg and then wherever the day took her we got to go to the megames so let's get going she'd stop at a liquor store so she could do sips all the way up that's but she was functioning yeah my was your mom functioning highly highly um you know and uh and yeah and it's interesting because i think for me like you know my family a very good like there was this

illusion of affluence, you know, like you don't know you're poor until you go to someone else's house, right? I mean? But we lived in Georgetown and D.C., and it was this, like, ostensibly really fancy area. But, like, then there was the eviction notice. And that, like, I remember there was, you know, I was just, I haven't thought about this a long time.

But when you talked about school, I carry just, like, embarrassment with me all the time, you know? Like, I'm like, hey, sorry. Like, I always think I have somebody in my teeth. I always think I'm, like, embarrassing myself in some way. You know, whenever I like say hi to someone or talk to someone, I'm like, how, why did you just say that? That was so stupid. You know, I just like beat myself up. And I always think there's some kind of like elaborate like prank going on. It's like a paranoia. And remind me to tell you my Ari Shafir's story about that in a minute how it like perfectly collided with this paranoia. I have the time he hid my backpack at the comedy store and I went crazy because I thought that my worst fear was actually confirmed. I'll tell you about that. But I'm one time. I remember I got pulled out of class and because the tuition wasn't paid for the school and they put like a note on my shirt. It was like a safety pin and it was a little note and it said like, you know, a note to my parents saying you have to pay this. And I could read, I guess, at that time and I didn't.

And it was like a scarlet letter almost. Like I wore it around. I think it was a Catholic school as if there already wasn't enough like shame and embarrassment. And I remember like having to wear it around like why they. And I think about that now. like what is that illegal like I can't believe a school would do that like I can't believe they didn't just wait till the end of the day to do it but I remember having to walk around all day and everyone's like what's that sign like oh you didn't pay your tuition you guys are poor and everyone

was just like making fun of the fact that I was poor and then I didn't pay the tuition or and I had to go from school to school because the tuition wasn't paid and all that but um little things like that that were just like oh this does a number on a psyche because I just from them then on was always so embarrassed but I think on some level it did make me funny because I felt like I always had to entertain kids to make friends. You know, I always had to be more entertaining than I was embarrassing or something.

I had to like earn my seat at the table. So I started being funny, you know, because I think that there was also so much stuff I had to hide in my family. I had to hide the, you know, the mess. I had to hide the, you know. Mama's things, dad's shit. And someone's passed out and this

and the kids haven't eaten and there's no food in the fridge. And I always had to make up stories and I had to basically lie. They'd be like, oh, no. Like, look at the stuff. silly monkey and like distract people when friends would come over, you know. So I think that being funny very much was like a sort of device that I developed in order to like play defense on other people's perception of what was going on in my home, you know? And I also thought I had to be funny because

I thought, oh, my mom drinks because I'm not interesting. And like that's, I mean, as a kid, you just make whatever assumption doesn't accuse the parent because it's too traumatic on a psyche to say like my parent is a mess because then you just feel too unsafe. So you actually just go, oh, I must suck, you know, because you don't want to blame your parent as such a young child. You just don't know better, right? So I remember just going, if you're just funny and entertaining, so I used to put on Jerry Seinfeld records and memorize them and then go out and do the jokes for my mom. Like, while she was like doing things. I'd be like, hey, so Florida eventual left.

Like I was just go try to do jokes and make her laugh and like I would put on costumes and stuff. You know, I just thought that that was like, oh, this will fix it. You know, if I can just make her laugh, she won't need to drink. And this was the beginnings of your stand-up. Kind of. Yeah. These are the roots of your stand-up. This pain, this comedy, this embarrassment.

I mean, I think that, you know, we all have that pain, that, and then we make it, we make it funny. So it doesn't sting as much. Have to. That's amazing that you put that safety pin on your wrists and never. This actually, so I just put it together right now. It's just serendipitous that it matches a story. When I was a kid, I used to play with safety pens. We didn't have a lot of, like, toys.

And I played with cosmetics, which is kind of sinister. I'd go to, like, the CVS, which was called People's Drug at the time in D.C. And I'd go, and I'd, like, save up money, and I'd go buy, like, lotion or whatever. Because I learned from my mom, you always have to look a certain way, you know? And I have compassion for around that. We're kind of in this place in society. where like women aren't supposed to objectify themselves and whatever like you know my mother did not learn that she is from texas she learned you always got to like be on point you got to be glossy

you got to have the eyes shut you got to do so her bathroom was all products you know so i just learned like it's all about i was putting like anti-aging cream on when i was like seven i was like i said i was seven and i looked four and so i would like play with my little sort of products and stuff and um yeah that's kind of what i did it's just but when my parents were fight, I had these little safety pins and I would take the, I'd open it. And it wasn't like self mutilation or anything. I just sort of prick myself just as a weird little way to distract myself. And I always forgot about that. And then I got the tattoo of it. I was had a surgery and I was on a painkiller. And I was like, I'm going to go get a tattoo of the safety pin I used to play with as a kid.

I thought it was like a really poignant thing. And now I'm kind of like, oh, God. I always forget that it's there. You're an interesting woman, man. Really? Fuck yeah. So now you hear you're rocking and Roland who gave you the right to write a script and sell it to CBS which one came first Whitney or two broke girls they were kind of simultaneous I had written the show for NBC the Whitney show for Chris Delia and I so we became friends just through which you are a cutest couple in the world how you two motherfuckers ain't married is it it's a couple of comedy I if I if I if I was you I married the Leah just to call up Brad

Pits ex-wife and call her a dirty cunt. You got nothing on me. Take a look at me and Chris DeLea and I'm prime and you and Brad. Meanwhile, Brad was fucking other people. So you had nothing, Angelina. So go fuck yourself and just hang up on it. I think so much of why Chris and I love each other so much is that we haven't dated, you know, that sometimes brings out the worst in people.

I think it brings out the worst in me because I get insecure. I get fearful. I get, you know. So I think so much of the, like, our relationship has to do with the fact that we didn't like soil it with that messy shit, you know, and get like a bunch of like feelings. involved. But I just, we had such a good time together. And I just, I wanted to write a show about, you know, a couple that had been together for a while and kind of a gender reversal. Like, there was a lot of this, like, on TV, every fucking female character, like, was obsessed with

getting married. And I was just like, who are these people? Like, who writes these character? You know, like, it's just not my experience. You know, I saw seven divorces by the time I was 12 years old. I heard people screaming and vases flying and shit. And I was just like, why would anyone want to get divorce. I was very, I mean, Mary, I was very repelled by the idea. So I kept having relationships fail because I'd be like, I don't want to get married. I'd love to stay with you, but I'm not signing anything. And so I just saw that marriage caused a lot of problems. That was like a really big message that I got as a kid, like the blueprint. And I wanted to write a show about it and about how the guy did want to get married. He came from a healthy environment and she came from a really,

you know, twisted, sick environment and like how to make that work. And can you love each other unconditionally. And also I'm just in general obsessed with opposites, like the idea of can you love someone that voted differently than you? You know, I feel like when I watch the news today, I worry the answer is no. Like we're in this place where like if you don't agree with someone on everything, you can't even be in the same room together, which that's not healthy. It's not, we've gotten to a pretty fucked up place, I think. So if I love you, I don't give a fuck if you if you voted for Hitler. Yeah. If I love you, you voted for Hitler. What am I going to do? I still love you. That's what I love about you. I never know what you're going to do.

You're still a piece of ass. You're so spontaneous. So what. She fucking voted for him. What am I going to do? You know what I'm saying? I'm going to get mad at it. I love the idea of just picturing Hitler running for all of it. Can you imagine that? No, I can't.

What is that? Fuck Trump. I don't think this is his thing. Whatever. Peace. I think so. I think he would come out. I don't think that's it.

I think if he made a comeback now to Argentina. He'd come out like this piece. Fucking the whole thing. Democrat. Right. Yeah, maybe. Anyway, so it was about that. And it was also like,

miss I grew up on sitcoms like my sitcoms raised me you know television was my parent growing up and that's good on some level but bad on other levels I guess the messaging I got but um I really wanted I miss that like shows had these little like human moments you know like I love the show mad about you and I loved how the whole episode would just be about like you know you put the spoon on the hard wood and you should have put it on the napkin you know just and what that brings out in people something tiny and every show I'm watching it's like the White House is on fire Like all the plots for every show had to be so big and it just didn't feel relatable. And I just missed that kind of like everyday pedestrian humor and how universal that is.

So I just wanted to write a show that's about a couple just navigating little stuff like that. And I wrote it for me and Chris. I gave him a copy of it. He didn't even read it. Did not read it. He's like, yo, I'll go to it. I'll get to it. This is by the way before fucking Instagram where he had time to read it.

Like we were maybe on MySpace or something, but he like wouldn't read away. He like didn't, we're like, you know, how many times do you get a script from a comic where you're just like. Did you read? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I loved it. It's like the blank fit. It's why Chelsea made me.

And then it got picked up by NBC and I had to audition with a bunch of actors that were like this tall that looked 15. I looked like a giant pedophile. Like it was like they made me audition a bunch of people. And I kept going like, you know, I really want Chris. I really want Chris. And he came in. I'll never forget it. I was like, this is the guy, because we couldn't find a guy that was like alpha enough for me.

Like I instantly just seemed like their aunt, like whenever a male actor in L.A. would walk in, you know, because they're all shaved everywhere and just, you know, like all of it, the hairline and the tan. Like everyone's in tanning and shit. And it just, it felt weird. And so we're like, we got to find an actor who would actually look like he could. I didn't want to be like the top. You know what I mean? Someone that, or I was the beta that could actually like put me in my place.

we were having a hard time finding that because I didn't want to be like cutting anyone's balls off. It's not a good look. You know, I didn't want to come off like shrill and aggressive and annoying. And Chris came out. I was like, this guy's so alpha. He's like, you know, this is back when Chris was married, I think. But it was still like girls were just like go nuts for him. And like he's got swagger and he's kind of silent and, you know, tall, dark and handsome.

And I was like, he's the guy. He comes in in neon pink conver sneakers. And I was just like, fuck. Like the guy that I just told everyone, straight as an arrow, alpha male, he's like, this is going to be perfect. And I was like, gosh, shit. Like the high top ones, they almost look like little leggings, like little Robin Hood men in tights. Like they were all up on his ankle and shit. But he, of course, killed it and, you know, made it happen.

But that was. And then Michael Patrick King, who wrote Sex in the City was looking for someone to make a sitcom with. And he was talking to a bunch of, you know, because he started as a standup actually. to go on the road with Dom Irera. Wow. Michael Patrick King. He has the most amazing stories about how one night, um, uh,

Don Marrera, because, you know, he didn't have any money for food or anything. And one night, Domerrera slid some spaghetti under his hotel room door, like, or like through his door, but there was no fork. So Tom gave him like this little thing of spaghetti, like somewhere outside Philly where they were touring. And he just had to sit there in hotel and eat spaghetti with his hands. But it was still the nicest. That's, that's, that's it is.

the road. There's no fork. There's no fork. Fuck it. Yep. And and anyway, and then he was, and I went in and I mean, Michael Patrick King was like, you know, I mean, he did Sex and the City, which you know, for me was just kind of a big deal because... I liked it. I really enjoyed it. I really enjoyed it. I learned very early on that women

should be competitive with women. That's what I learned. I think that's what happens when you have a dad who cheats and you see a mom who's freaking out and who's that, and da-da-da-da. And Sex and City was therapeutic for me because it just showed me women getting along. And I like I just needed to see that because I had a sister and we didn't get you know my mom like it just was tricky. So it was just therapeutic for me in a lot of ways. And anyway, so he was taking all these meetings. I went in. I had like $600. I went to Neiman Marcus in Beverly Hills and I bought a pair of Christian Lubiton shoes because he had done sex in the city, you know, the show with all the fancy clothes and the fancy shoes. So I went, you know, Lubiton's the red bottoms are very. important. I went and bought a pair of Christian Lubitans. I drove to the Warner Brothers

parking lot and they were in the car next to me and I put them on but I put tape on the bottoms so that the red wouldn't because I was going to return them. I was just I just bought him just for the meeting and then I go on the meeting. I go to the bathroom. I take the tape off. We sit down, you know, I crossed my leg so he can see the red bottom, you know, so I'm trying to impress him. And I don't know why I thought that would get me a writing. job I just so badly didn't want him to know how broke I was you know I wanted him to think that I was like successful in making it or whatever yeah and then um we had the meeting you know it was interesting I wasn't prepared for how funny he was because you know we're comics like I was like oh I was like

I'm gonna kill this meeting and then he was like really quick and funny and I was like oh shit like it kind of threw me off I didn't know he was a comic you know and um so I was sort of thrown off by the fact that he was funny and it was like almost like this pen and teller situation I just wasn't talking because I was panicked and then I pitched a couple things that I think he liked. And on the way out, I knew I had bombed the meeting. And I closed the door, and then I popped back in. And I said to him, hey, I know you're not going to give me this job.

But just please have me at the table read it. I'll punch up the script. And I closed the door. And that was it. And then I went and I took the shoes off. And I walked barefoot to my car. And I went to Neiman Marcus to return the shoes for that. I needed that $600 bucks back.

And then he asked for a second meeting. and I was really prepared the second time and he gave me the job and he's like, I knew you had to have the job when you said to me, I know you're not going to give me the job but just had me come in and do punch up on it. He's like, I knew you had

just the perfectly low amount of self-esteem to where you would be funny and be able to do this. I thought you were one of the creators. Yeah, we created it together. I thought you had based it off of your experiences. Both of us. Yeah, both of us.

Yeah, it was both of us. So the Kat Dennings' character, cat is very much kind of my background and his too you know like we kind of made these two characters like morph them based on our back because him and I are very similar he grew up you know very similar than I did you know so similarly than I did and I uh and yeah we created these two characters and sort of built the show and I think people responded to it because it was about money it wasn't two girls being like did he call me back we need to get makeover it's like me it was two girls like how are we going to pay our taxes we don't have this money how are we need to

our teeth fixed. We don't have health insurance. You know, it was... We were relatable. I watched a couple episodes. Relatable. I mean, look, it's... I thought it was about you. I thought it was very semobiographical. I thought, in my mind, I'm like, Whitney must have been a waitress in New York.

I didn't know about it. Yeah, no, I had a lot. I mean, a lot of that is... I mean, it was like so many of the stories because when I first moved out to L.A., I had, you know, no money. So funny, the other day I was on a TV set, and one of the sound guys said that he had used to work at Pink Dot.

And he's like, yeah, I used to work at Pink Dot. And I was like, Oh, God, you know so much about me. And he was like, yeah, I do. Because I used to go into Pink Dot on Sunset, which is right next to the comedy store. I lived right up on Miller Drive. Before I even got spots at the Comedy Store, I would just drive around because I wanted to live near the comedy store because I was like I want to be able to walk there every night. And so before, I might even before I ever did stand up.

And I got an apartment right up Miller Drive. You know, you go Las Standing on Sunset, right up there, got an apartment right there. And so I would go to Pink Dot every night. and I had like $15. Usually I was hovering about like $15 for a couple of years. And I would go to Pink Dot and I would buy Oberto Turkey Jerky because you could eat it for a couple days. You know, when you sort of have this illusion that you're actually eating when you're not. And it got so gross that I started buying maple syrup and putting maple syrup on it.

And so I would every three days go to Pink Dot and I would buy Oberto Turkey Jerky. I can't believe I'm telling you this. And maple syrup. And the guy would just be like. I mean, look in his eye, I was just like, do you need help? Like, should we call, like, child service it? Like, should we, like, do a food drive for you? And I would see the sort of pain in his face about it.

And I would get, like, protein bars. You know, like, I would show up with, like, quarters. And I'd be like, how many, can I get a? And then I have to pull something away. You know, I'd say, like, can I get two of these? And I didn't have enough. And I go, okay, I guess just one of these. And he used to watch it.

And he, like, gave me this huge hug. Like, this was, like, three weeks ago. It's crazy how you. that those struggles you'll never ever forget. Never. Like I still remember living across from,

not Chibo. Chibbo and sunset. No, but down more. Down two blocks. What's the Brazilian place? Lallos. No.

Lallas. If you stay on sunset, you hit Rousanova? Basanova. I used to live across the street from Basanova if you went down. No. And I remember waking up there broke.

Just waking up. hung over from the store, broke. I would get up, brush my tea, take a shout. Was the store paying $15 a spot back now? You hustled Mexican rooms? Felipe Spars are all those cats, George Perez. Yeah. Rooms all over.

So you could do two rooms, pick up a buck 25 a year, 40 here, 60 here. But I still remember walking on sunset across from what's the big, big, big Israeli restaurant. Aroma. Aroma. Aroma. I love that place. Across from Aroma was a gas station. His name was like Jaime.

And Jaime was a one-man operation. He would come out and check your oil and pump. So I'll always stand by the shadows. And I would always wait for him to go out and pump gas. And I'd run in, stick my hand by an account, and take a pack of cigarettes, whatever they were. Winstrel, Mentor, whatever the fuck it was. That was my shot.

Maybe if I got lucky, I could take more. And I would take a soda and a bag of it. like what were you talking about the other night those onion things I'm using the funnings oh those are good those are my breakfast yeah that was it walking on sunset and I go to Josh Wolves house and hopefully he would make turkey burgers he used to buy frozen turkey burgers and I go over there for lunch help him do dishes watch the kids and we eat frozen fucking turkey burgers if I got any money at all I would go to Wendy's and they had the dollar menu yep and I would get the chili

and the baby junior whatever that was it the cheeseburger and the chili but that's what I that's that's it there were all stories that we ended up putting in two broke girls like when I first moved out here

I started doing focus group testing you know they say hey for $50 you show up and you tell us what you think of this night cream or this whatever I remember I would do them for like Nutrugina like they send you the product like a week in advance and you use it for like a week

and then you show up and they give you cash you know so it's it's think about the kind of person who's showing up for cash 50 bucks you know it's me and a bunch of like meth heads you know it's people that need cash like they don't want to check they might not even have a bank account and I don't ever have a bank account because I would get those overcharge fees so I couldn't because I kept being fucked on those you know you have seven dollars you do an overcharge and then if they charge you 50 bucks or something so I would just keep cash in an envelope I remember and um and I go do those focus groups and one time I was uh doing one and I guess I just like I wanted to do a good job you know like I was a dork like and it was like a face scrub like machine you know that you scrub your face with and I was like because I was getting like free shit on top of it and I remember bringing the focus room one day and they're like so what did everyone think and I was like we loved it we loved it great you know can we can we get our cash and I was like if the if the handle was like I was like actually trying to like do a good job and everyone would just be like this bitch like everyone hated me because I actually would everyone would everyone

just want to get their cash and get the fuck out of there, you know? So I would do that. I would do like clinical trials. I used to do Buffalo Exchange, you know, the store Buffalo Exchange. You go, you take your clothes and you try to sell them. You know, you can get, you know, sometimes like. Did you say eggs? I haven't sold my eggs.

I did. I know a chick who sold her eggs and she ended up crazy. I was thinking about it. She sucked like 80 dicks and had a restrain her. For selling her eggs? Yeah, she went crazy because they put her on some. She was a waitress. Oh, because the hormone shots.

She was a waitress at the laugh factory. and she was very nice but she was a fan of the comedy store so I'll never forget like I never like she was a young girl and I even just she would come to the comedy store and you can get good money for your eggs we would just talk to her at the store and she liked doing drugs she smoked pot so one night she came to the store and she's like who has an eight ball up in this motherfucker and I'm like what are you talking about because he goes I want to buy an eight ball I go hold on chewie sell her an eight ball and I go where did you get the money she goes I hit the jackpot I've been selling my eggs and all this shit those eight ball eggs

those eight ball eggs so we went over to fucking that hotel across the street from the rouse mm-hmm that's that's the residential renovation this is when it was hooker central I know now it's like a vegan place we would go to pink dots get a case of beer yep and run over there she paid for the hotel wow and like three of us stayed up all night doing coke but she kept telling us how she would sell her eggs and they were giving her this and but then she didn't stop i guess she's supposed to stop selling your eggs you're doing once or twice i don't know exactly i don't want to get you get crazy i don't want to get in trouble right and the hormone shots put her over the fucking top like she ended up rob in the lab factory she escaped with a comic you know she got knocked up

and she mugged him oh and they left him tied up in the room so i'm not getting to be in the room so i'm not I wish I was Kenya. I forget who the comic was. This chick disappeared. I like her. Cops came around like a month later asking questions about her. She went off the fucking rails. Is she still around? No, I haven't.

This is 2003, 2004. People do weird shit here. Like I just love the idea of these waitresses or managers, these people that around for two years, you know, 10, 15 years ago who saw the most epic shit who are like now, you know, in Bakersfield, married, have a normal life. And you're like, you know shit that would just be like a number one bestselling book. But they're just living normal lives somewhere else. You know, people that get in comedy and then they get out. Did you ever walk through the comedy store?

Like I was just thinking about this the idea. If you ever walk up to the comedy store, if you go up to Mitzie's office, before you get to Mitzie's office, there's an office. And that office used to be her accountant. And supposedly when he quit, he had to tell all story about Mitzie. And the show is how to pay him down. Something weird. I don't know the whole, I forget the guy's name. I brought up to something like, yeah.

Where is that guy? Like, he had like Harvey Weinstein type shit when the store. Like wherever you're listening, sir, you're welcome on the podcast anytime. Who Harvey? No, this accountant guy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he died. There was a couple guys that were giving her trouble.

The guy that ran La Jolla was down there for a long time. Towards the end, he did some interview. And once she started getting paranoid like that, she started icing people. Then he got iced for writing the book. Then they paid him off. Then he died. Then his wife showed up with the book.

And they had to pay the wife. Something weird. I don't know all the fucking story. You know, and it's just tell all stories. You know, it's funny when you meet people on the road. and they're like I lived in LA for three years. Right. And you're like, what did you do on that?

I was Mitz's assistant for, and you're like. No, I bumped into somebody who was somebody Biggs assistant on a show. Like not their assistant, like, he worked on a show. And I bumped into him this year in Kansas City, and he was like, I fucking hated it. If I ever see that guy again, I will fucking kill him. Because you think of now what you did at that age. Yeah. You think about what,

what shit you took from people at that age. Like the first 10 years I was here, I kept my mouth shut. I pretty much kept my mouth shut. I didn't say shit. If I went to a set and you said something to me, even though it was a little bit offensive, I would brush it off. And then once I stopped doing drugs,

I said, before I was a comic, I'm a man. So you got to eat me like a man. And I went on the set one night to do a hard. Hardy's commercial. Hardee's Carl's Jr. commercial. And we had a shoot in fucking Long Beach. And it was an SUV, and it was two mafia guys. We pulled over and when we go to fucking see the guy,

the guy's already been shot. He hasn't been shot. He just ate at Arby's fucking Carl's Jr. Chicken Pomazan sandwich, which will kill you anyway. I was to say. A blow would have just come out of your ass. And when he bit into it, the blood of his shirt. So when we get to the car, he just nods.

So the other guy says to me, onion, like that da dento. And then we go, we get to the fuck out of that. That was the commercial. So we had a shooting long beach. And that was the first time ever that I came back into being myself. When I realized that I had been in that light too long, it doesn't really matter what comes out of your mouth, as long as you're a great comic. But stick to your guns. That's right.

Stick to your guns. Show people. Because we live in a town that if you do open your mouth, they say you're troubled to work with. If you say, excuse me, excuse me, I grew up in New York and nobody would use this word. You take it, use this, to go, no, use it as it's written. Yep, it's a period, not a comma. I'm not using it. I'm going this way.

And then they'll stop and say, are you a problem to work with? No, I'm just giving you the best that I can. Are you from New York, bitch? No, you're from fucking Kentucky. I'm born and raised in New York. What the fuck are you talking about? This is the word. When I did the Lewis Guzman project, me and the director were almost like blows over a word that I

I said, but Mexicans, Puerto Ricans don't use that word. It's also like, I'm helping you. I'm helping you. You're going to get credit for the thing I'm doing. Why would you want to- Yeah, I kept, I called him, Amigo. Amigo, that's a Mexican word. Yeah.

Puerto Ricans on 150, you should don't say Amigo. I mean, dog, the next day I got there, and Louis Guzman and the director and, like, the EP were like, I hear yesterday you were troublesome to work with. I go, no, I just recommend it the line. Yeah. same way I did it, the audition. Yep.

The line I said that you stole from me and put it on yourself because I went into the audition improvised. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You stole it? I figured I'd use the line. And they're like, no, it's ended with that, don't bring it up no more. And I go, okay, at the pilot shoot, I still didn't say, Amigo. You know me, though.

You got the wrong motherfucker. I said the word I thought it was supposed to be. It was like premium or something. Turns into like a power play. After the show, the director came up to me and looked me in the face, and he's like, you know what? I'm slated to shoot three pilots at Fox next year. If I see you, head shot out, rip them all up.

And I looked at them like, oh, fuck. Like, I didn't say it. Cool. Well, guess what? The show got picked up, and it got fired. It got taken down after four episodes, because Fox has no time for that shit. And three nights later, who do I see at the comedy store? But the director, and when he saw me, he just stopped in his tracks.

And I looked at him, I go, if you would have used the word, I told you, your show was a still been on TV. asshole and he just froze and look at me and just eyeballed me until I went into the original one that was sick. You know it's so it's like the only people I trust are comics like when I have comics come in and do shows I'm like just let them do comics no comics it's like you cannot yeah some people had bad behavior that's not what that was like we're in the field we're doing the field research for you we're making your life easier like let us come in and tell you what works and what doesn't like we have that gut instinct you know like you work without him sam

the best have you ever seen anything like that have you ever seen anybody who goes this is the line but do what you do literally he he's the most and he's like i hired you here because i think you're the best person yeah i'm now going to leave you alone and let you shine you never seen anything like that you're like this guy nobody works harder than this guy we did a movie in new mexico one of his Netflix movies. He was in a Native American... In Santa Fe? I think so. How great it was that Hotel Santa Fe? That one with the pool in the middle.

Gorgeous, what's it's called? With the flute. The dude with the flute. It's like a resort. A resort, yeah. Tremendous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. The air is like, food's amazing. I'm with Swartz in. And it's just a blast. And so we're on set.

Adam is the star of the movie. He's in a Native American Indian costume. The hat, the thing, the whole thing. And he's like running around placing extras. He's reading the script for his next movie. He's like pitching jokes. Like, I've never seen anything like it. Nothing like it. And he gives you three options.

And if you're a joke-mason, that's the joke they go with. Yeah. With me, I would go. After the third week, I finally stopped looking at the scenes because it didn't really matter. No, and then we would do the scene. We'd do the scene, yeah. And then if it wasn't, he'd go, oh, let's just change it. What do you do that?

What do you think? Do you have a joke there? Do you want, let's call it. Like, it was just the most fun collaborative. It was like doing, you know, just a little fucking web video like fucking around. And they're like, oh, millions of people are going to watch this. Like he, he, he, he, it's not, it doesn't feel like a big production with a bunch of pressure. There's no executives around.

It's like all his friends. Yeah, that's why he shoots out. He shoots out for the first six or seven. So he gets a grip going. Yeah. He comes back for three or four. Yeah. White people show up.

Yeah. He said he's nice to them. It was Lovitz. And. and Schneider and all his friends. And that's the easiest way to do a fucking movie. The most loyal scrape. I did a locker room scene with him when I was 400 pounds.

And I'm sitting in, I'm like, man, my favorite baseball, one of my favorite movies is Major League. The Cuban guy, a Major League wore a jock. And I said, what if I would wear a jock? And I'm never forget he was talking to these two white kids from Syracuse, you know, with suits on, VPs of, entertainment somewhere. Like, well, Adam, Adam. And the dudes

are like, and Adam's like, hold on. What's up, Joey? I go, listen. For this locker room scene, I want to wear a thong. He's like, why? I want to wear a thong. Like Serrano did in Major League. And he's like, hold on. And the people, like, he can't. The ratings. It's no. He won't because it was either R-rated, a PG.

What did it say? I can't see. It was either R-rated. I think it would probably PG-13. So they were like, we don't know if you could leave your dick out. And I'm like, I'm not going to leave my dick out. I'm just a jock strap. I'm fat fuck with a jock strap. And they kept yelling at Adam and Bernardi.

The executive producer's name was Michael Bernardi. And they kept saying, we don't think this is right. And Adam looked me straight and the face and he goes, go for it. And they're like, and this is what I do. I made the fucking guys come around me. They took my clothes off right in front of everybody in the locker room and put the jock on balls ass naked. I don't know.

And they were the fuck, Adam loved me even more for that. He was like, that's tremendous. Brave. Can I tell you, I had a dog bite my ear off. It was like two years ago. Came off, hanging down, had to get it sewn back on. I go to like a Hollywood. It was like some Hollywood party. Like I couldn't not go. And I had, I still had the injure. I still had it wrapped. And it was whole thing. And I had like a Santa hat on. I just showed up in a Santa hat. Like no one will know. Like no big deal. And someone there knew and made like a scene of it like, Whitney got her ear bit. off by a dog, you know, and I was like, oh shit. So it was like everybody at the party, like, knew about it, like, all these, like, Hollywood people. And I'm kind of talking about it. And I'm

on painkillers and this whole thing. And I actually ended up leaving the party kind of early because I was embarrassed. It's weird. I find, like, as a comic, like, when I'm on stage, I'm super comfortable with attention, obviously, but at social events, like, I'm not great. I get awkward and I don't want a lot of it. If I'm not being doing stand-up, I actually don't love attention. I get weird and uncomfortable. And I don't like being the center of attention. If I don't have something to offer back. I just get confused. And anyway, so I left the party the next day. I mean, there were maybe 200 people at the party. They probably all knew about it. I get an email from Adam Sandler. Hey, are you okay? Is there anything I can do? How's your ear? Like he didn't have to do that.

You know, like he saw through the bit of like, oh, it's fine. And I was like sort of trying to minimize it and making jokes and stuff. And he like sends me an email the next day to ask me if he can do anything. Like it was just, it meant so much to me. It was just such a human thing to do. He's a different dude. I still get Christmas cards from him. I'm like, why did you? I don't get invited to the Christmas parties no more

because I cause havoc one year. The one with ice skating and the bowling. What did you do? Ah, it doesn't matter. Do people know? I mean, for your listener, this is a party that is like, it's like when I first moved to L.A., it was like the part.

Like, you had to go to the, and I can still go. I just don't. The happy Madison. Christmas Stephen Dorff is there You know all the fucking David Spade is there like that's Like Hollywood

And you go and it's like It's like a mall And there's bowling there's ice skating There's like in every executive like everyone in Hollywood's there You have like check in like you're going to a fucking Lakers game like it's a big deal And the fact that you were too rowdy

To go back No I wasn't rowdy I Some shit went down And obviously since I was five feet from it I took the blame. Like, right away, like, I was the one that was involved in it. Like, something happened in misunderstanding with two broads or bowling shoes.

You know me. I don't know nothing. I took my wife. I was there with my wife. It's weird. So it was just really weird. I didn't get along with one of his executive producers. Like, I got along with Michael Bernardi.

I loved Adam. Adam was my dog. So nice. But one of the producers he had was not his producing partner anymore. Me and him had had beef, you know, so it was rough on the longer shot. But he put me in a couple more movies after that Always giving me nice respect Always been a great guy

I see him maybe once every 18 months at the store He stops, he gives me a hug I don't ask him to know him I love to special I could write a letter Bro it's not bad I watched this funny like for the first 20 minutes But he's all talent guys

I was just like you know it was also just like I'm dancing I'm laughing I'm like oh they gave him 15 million too So I'd be up there dancing banging a fucking drum. I'd be doing everything. But it was just like, you know, and I don't, and look, and my next special is definitely very like,

there's a lot of heavy shit in it, whatever. But it's like, I think the days of just like innocent comedy are starting to kind of, you know, now it's like you got to make a statement. You have to make a political statement. You have to like move the needle on social progress. You can't say this. It was just kind of nice to watch a special that was just like, we're here to laugh.

I'm not here to lecture you. I'm not here to yell at you. Like, I'm just here to make you laugh. and enjoy it was I was dazzled it was like I felt like a kid watching it you know the last time you won Rogan was when three months and before that one wasn't like every six four six months weird because I don't know if it was his last one the one before you spoke about the transition you had made in your life you had gone through a big transition I don't know if you went to therapy you all you were talking about how when you

went to a place and somebody gave you a gift, you would have a hard time. Like, why is this person giving me a gift? Receiving. It drives me crazy. It drives me crazy. If you give me a gift, if I even let you give it to me, I have to wait till you leave to even open it.

It drives me crazy. And then you realize that you are providing this. Like today, we got three great posters. Somebody sent three great, Cornicewood posters, Italian fucking, like one like that. Ari got me that one, because he knows that's my favorite movie of all time.

But this guy sent me Italian versions of it. Three of them. So I'm going to get them framed in New York. My brother framed them. What are we talking about? The gifts. Getting gifts. When I watched that podcast, I was going through a lot.

Right before the Netflix special, something happened to me. I don't know what it was. Something happened to my stand-up. I had spoken to you one day, and we spoke about flappers, and how we couldn't do material at the store. and I was kind of, I was happy with my Netflix set, but I wasn't, something was missing, and then the day of, it just, it didn't matter.

It all went away like two weeks after I shot the Netflix special, and that's when you were on the podcast, and I watched it, you were going through, and it was like I was going through the same shit you were going through. I was going through the, because it is the gift of acceptability, accepting what's going on. sometimes this moves quick and your mind

don't have the process the time you know one minute you're at the store and next minute you're on a lot with Christopher Walker at CBS and somebody's asking you what do you want mint tea or lemon mint tea from Europe with a lime of twist and you're like I was at the store last night

talking about eating some fucking midgett's asshole and I'm here with Christopher Walkman and you're asking me if I want to eat you know what I'm saying you know how much of a do you have any idea It's a gear shift. Of a shift that is that people, and I'm not putting anybody down, but it's not like one day you're working on a construction job,

and the next day Trump comes on your job. It's or Trump or somebody who you're a fan of. So for us, sometimes just moves just a little bit too fast, and we got to slow it down. Thank God. Thank God that you yourself and your higher power, whoever you're depending on puts the brakes on.

Whenever you're on the 101 and you're about to get off Laurel Canyon in two miles and you're like, why is there two Laurel Canyon exits? But there's really just one and two miles? You, I wasn't accepting things. I wasn't accepting the Netflix special. I couldn't accept why I was selling out shows. I couldn't accept the fact that Whitney wants to take a fucking picture at me at the comedy store.

I can't accept the fact that disc guys, guy, not Lee, I'm saying this guy just came up to me, had tears in his eyes and said because of me and Whitney talking about her dad and my mom or my mom and her mom being out, he's daylife changed. You can't wrap your arms around that shit. When somebody hugs you and says, hey man, that conversation you and Whitney had fucking made me go to Al-Anon. Yeah. you know like I I I I wrote a book and in it I talk about my struggles with addiction and eating disorders and all the stuff and yeah now I have people coming up to me like I read your book and now I'm in a thing and I got out of an abusive relationship and I just am like it's and it's hard because it's so

much pressure in that moment because they need so much from you or they need some kind of reaction from you and you don't want to reject them or ice them or be awkward or go like set a bad example of not being able to receive. So it's so hard when it happens in airports. It happens a lot. And you're just like, thank you so much. You know, and I don't know what to say. And I feel this shame come up and this embarrassment and this like, I don't deserve this.

I can't receive this. That's it. I was having the same. But if you really knew me and it's imposter syndrome of like if you really knew me. If you really knew me that I ate honey on maple syrup on top of. Of a midget's asshole. You wouldn't be taking this picture with it. And then I want to go. go, no, no, no, I'm actually a phony.

I'm a fraud. I'm so full of shit. I still do horrible things. And then I feel like I'm being dishonest or something. I get really confused by that dynamic. You know, I think, you know, I've just been a dirt bag for so long. It's like when people see you as something, you're like, put you on a pedestal. You're like, no, no, I don't belong here.

I don't belong here. Throw me back in coach. Go watch Bill Burr. What do you bother me for? Yeah, what, yeah. Go watch Sebastian. That's real comedy. What do you bother me for?

And then you make them feel bad for liking you. And they're like, fuck you. Like, you just took this thing away from me. Yeah. You just took away this moment from me by self-deprecating and having low self-esteem. And then I realize like, okay, this isn't about you. Like you can be of service to this person in this moment and just let them have their experience with you and just kind of do nothing. Because they'll project onto you whatever they need.

Just shut your mouth. Say thank you. Don't argue with them. Don't tell them all the reasons that you don't deserve their attention. Don't self-deprecate. take the photo, be gracious, and walk away. It's been really difficult for me. To receiving compliments, well...

I got to ask you one last thing. I know you got shit to do and motherfuckers to see. Do they be able to tell you were half a psychic? What does that mean? I mean, how the fuck did you know to abandon ship on Roseanne a week before the ship went down? If I can't ask you that, you can't explain it. I understand for legal remedies.

I don't know. There's no legal anything. No. I mean, it's weird because I guess there were lots of tweets before. I just didn't see them. Like, even when, you know, like... How did the whole Roseanne thing come about? I was going to say, I don't want to be boring and waste your time on it.

But like, when after the election happened, this kind of full circle to what we were first talking about, like, when the election happened, it was just, you know, I think regardless of who you voted for, regardless of who you support, it was like, whoa, like, this is crazy. And my family started breaking apart. And I very little family left. It was like my aunt, wouldn't talk to my aunt, and I mean, and everyone's fighting. And I just was like, this is fucking crazy. Facebook just turned into, fuck you, fuck you. I was like, damn, like something just changed. Something shifted.

And I've always been a little bit disgruntled about Hollywood in general and feeling like an outsider in Hollywood. Very like, I want to write about, like, you know, middle class people, like working class problems. I want to write about paying bills. And everyone was like, you should write about her getting married. And it was just like, who wants to see that? You know, like, I just never understood that sort of elite story. Because I grew up poor and that's just not my experience and I can only write what I know and I always loved Roseam. It's always a really big fan and Michelle Obama had done a conference call and she had a bunch of showrunners and producers on it. I'm jumping around. I know, but she said that the metrics were in and like Obama or not doesn't matter. The point the point is the method this research just happened to have come through her that is objective, which is that they can now link the passage of marriage equality to. to the show Will and Grace.

So for people that might not have gay friends or no gay couples, like they could, you know, have that show in their living room, you know, once a week, and they felt more tolerant and more accepting. You know, gay people have problems just like us. And they fail and they have heartbreak and they have, you know, triumphs. And, you know, so that was helpful.

And she was like, you know, so please in your TV shows, just keep that in mind that, like, television can move the needle on social change and awareness. And I was like, oh, that's, interesting because I thought that we were just a bunch of frivolous narcissistic selfish people like you know like at our TV shows you know I was kind of felt like guilty about my job choice and um indulgent or something so I was like oh that's cool and like that's what Roseanne did you know and um because I mean Roseanne dealt with some heavy shit I mean there was an episode I mean there was an episode you know Jackie got knocked in the face you know so there was a lot of really amazing and I just John Goodman is you know were you a fan of the show what was going on okay huge huge did you ever see the Larry King interview with her with her back then no about four years ago I don't think so that's the one where she said that she would have

watched that interview I would have known yeah she said that Oprah kidnapped her and put sensors in the brain to try to steal her ideas but she said something wow that was so fucking brilliant And that whole conversation that I've never forgotten, and it gives me even more pride of being an R-rated comic. I don't give a fuck. He asked her about the show in 80-70. He goes, why did you throw the ABC executives out of your Christmas party? And 80s, you heard about that?

Yeah, right. She asks them, and she goes, I'll tell you why. Because she goes, they didn't know shit. She goes, I'm a fucking comic. And when you're a comic, you direct, you produce, you write, you do it all. They wanted the number one show I gave them the number one show We beat fucking Cosby and his perverts

Over there And now they wanted to come and take all the credits So I threw them all the fuck out After they said don't do the black kid show Don't do that all the most genius stuff I respected her I respected her all the way You know

I'm still not mad at her today You know she started in Denver I started as soon she Did she? I don't think I knew that Yeah she's from Denver That's why she was blowing up that's like I still remember me in the honor because of the Roseanne success comedy in Denver is now a boom and you could take classes and that's when I went and took classes. I started right off the heels of Roseanne fucking.

Killen. Exploding. Just exploding. And look. And yeah. And so I didn't know and I knew about, you know, she admitted to having some psychological limitations. I have a lot of that in my life and my family. Like I'm never going to judge someone for that or make fun of them for that or not work with them.

because of that. And, you know, I heard she was like, you know, a Bernie supporter and then voted for this. And I was just fascinated. But, you know, without having any judgments. Like, I think you should be able to work with somebody even if you don't necessarily agree with them. Yeah. I don't give a fuck. You know, it was just sort of like, yeah, it was just like, oh, shit. This is going to get rebooted at a time when all of this is happening in the zeitgeist. Like, I can be a part of something that people are going to actually watch. Because most people don't watch shit. Let's just be honest. Like a lot of TV shows. Like, like, you know, there's, there's, we're in this echo chamber. where we watch our shows and we're all pat ourselves on the back. Look how great these shows are. But like a lot of the shows that are doing really well are these multi-cams that people in Hollywood kind of make fun of and are really sort of glib about like, oh, the CBS multi-cams and da-da-da. It's like, all right, well, those are things people are watching. So this is a democracy.

Why aren't we listening to the people that we're entertaining? You know, it's like being a comic and you're bombing, but just like moving forward with a shitty bit that's not even working, you know. And they're yelling. It was pussy joke. Yeah. And you're like, I want to talk about drums. Well, let's talk about.

Yeah. throws pond it's like what the fire like so for me I'm wired as a comic to just go like what do people actually want and like let's go from there and multi-cams you know we're always um such a big part of my life so this whole like like people not liking multi-cams makes no sense they're all the shows that we grew up on and are still our favorite we're still watching Seinfeld and friends those are still like the highest rated shows like no one's making new good ones um for and that's what people want anyway so I thought you know what I can't say no to this opportunity I mean she's one of my comedy heroes. This was one of the best multi-cams. I want to learn how to make good multi-cams,

because it's really hard. It's a science to not make it look corny and make the lighting suck. Like it always felt like a play. You know, there were drama moments. There was lots of silence. You notice with the shows now it's like, joke, joke, joke, everything someone says is a joke. They would go a minute without a joke. You know, they were eating. They had cereal boxes out. It was messy. The set design. You know, you look at sitcoms now. It always looks like a fake sort of like store window. there was like the wardrobe they would wear the same clothes a couple times they really honored the reality of being working class and a lot of shows even if there's a show about a poor person they're wearing fancy clothes and it just doesn't feel authentic and so I just was just fascinated by how they did

that everything from the set design to the acting to the writing to the camera work to the lighting and casting and wardrobe so I just thought like I this is how I'm going to make sense of this moment in time and you know got Wanda Sykes and norm McDonald and more Morgan Murphy and all these incredible writers. And then we paired up with a lot of the writers that were on the original Roseanne, you know, Bruce Helford and Bruce Rasmussen and Dave Kaplan and all these guys. And I just, I wanted to expose myself to point of views that I didn't hold or necessarily even agree with or understand because then you're not growing.

What are you doing? If you're just hanging out with only people that agree with you, you just get stupor. You know what I mean? And you get narcissistic and you're, I was just like felt like I was in my echo chamber. my version of doing it a couple years ago is I just like went to Vietnam for two weeks you know I just am like try to get out of my sort of little bubble and um and again I was a fan of Roseanne I didn't follow her on Twitter um I didn't find out till later that there were lots of old tweets and look you know again like if you're being crazy and not hurting anybody like that's none of my

business I'm not going to hold you accountable for that I didn't know about the drama and the Nazi photo and the Hillary pizza parlor. Like, I just didn't know about it because I just didn't follow her. And then it started to become very clear that the tweeting was a big problem. And I had been trying to convince everyone to shut that down for a while to no avail. But I also didn't want to silence a comment. You know, it's not my job to tell you to stop saying whatever you believe. So I was in this kind of really tricky situation where it's like, oh, I'm going to tell

one of the best performers in the world to stop, like having her creative outlet. Like, that's arrogant. So it just became clear that it was just going to continue to be really hard and unnecessarily controversial. And I just wanted to slowly kind of back out of the burning building. And then- You do that the right five week later. Well, it was actually like a couple months. You know, it leaked to the press because I didn't want to make a drama out of it.

I didn't want to be a news story that I was leaving. Because I was really only going to do one season anyway. I just wanted to do the one season back because I was just doing other things and touring and stuff. But I'm still really glad I did it. I mean, it's heartbreaking what happened and frustrating. And I was really angry for a while. I'm not angry anymore. I'm kind of just more like sad.

Well, I'm going to tell you something. This is what a lot of people don't understand. I got here in 97. And by 97, there were two people they wanted to kill. Roseanne was one of them and Grace on the fire. Grace on the fire pissed them off so much. They canceled that bitch with 98 episodes. They wouldn't even let her go into syndication

because the abuse ABC was getting from those women. I was in shock when they rehired Roseanne because I was here to hear all those stories. You know it was crazy? I saw it. She could not have been more lovely to everyone. No, she's lovely. I know.

When you tell a comic, you don't think that one moment with the Amigo, she got that every day, all day on her material. Imagine someone coming to you. You tell a story that's been killed. killing for two years and they're like, ah, could you do it this way? And you're like, get the fuck out of here. This is already killing. Like, this is proven to be good. What the fuck do you know? Some executive giving you notes on what's funny, you know? So she had to endure that for so long.

And yes, she was struggling with addiction. You know, there were all sorts of things going on. But I was never deterred by that reputation, you know, because I had a modicum of a moment where I had my own show and I've tasted like, you know, one one hundredth of which she had to deal with. And I was like, I get it. What's in the future for you, beautiful? I'm a special. I'm a special. I'm breaking motherfucking hearts on a daily basis and shit.

You still breaking hearts? Trying to get funny enough to follow you at the comedy story. Shit. That's the least of you were. You got a boyfriend. I have a fiance. Congratulations. Yeah, thank you.

I didn't know that. Isn't that weird? Nothing you're going to ask. I don't give a fuck. Good luck to him. He's going to need it. You've never seen me do stand up. How long have you been with him?

Almost two years. Hey, you never want to see you do stand. Never see me do a. Never see me do a. it live, yeah. That's his best bet. Isn't that funny? I don't want them to. You love them? I do. I do. Are you ready to get married? I think I am. Like, I'm trying not to overthink it. Kids? I froze my eggs, so I think maybe. You know, I didn't ever want kids, and then my dad died, and I was like, oh, I want something that looks like him in some way. You know, like, the concept of, like,

procreating became sort of more of a, like, calling that I never felt before. I was like, ah, I have dogs, I have horses, like I'll just do that. I'll adopt a kid, let me need to home. You know, like I always thought I would adopt a kid. But then after my dad passed away, I had this weird, like, well, I have one and adopt one. Yeah, that's a good idea, right? I have one of adopt one. That's a great family. I wish you nothing but luck. When I, when I talk to people about you, I go, you know what, I would love to show Whitney coming as my balls because you probably get up, told me to put mine away and put yours on the table. They'd be bigger than mine.

You did say that to me once. They gave me so much strength. You have all the respect and admiration from me. I love you. Congratulations on your wedding or whatever you're going to do. And whatever you want to come back and talk shit about your R.N. I wish that if this goes further with Fox, I get you involved with this. I'll do anything.

I'm going to be aggressive about it too. Like, please let me come. And we'll both with CIA. Yeah, no, but I'll just come to the job. table reads and I'll just, you know, any insight, even if it's just to say don't. And especially after what you told me today, you know what I went through. Yes. You really know what I went through.

And the network notes. And I loved her. You know, my mom used to do two pinatas, one for the kids at three o'clock and one for the adults. And the adult one, she would fill up with a little cocaine. And the kids would be gone. The adults would pull the pinionada down and mommy would go in there and get the aluminum foils for mommy. And I would bring them back for my mother.

your cold open. That's your flashbacks. Yep. There it is. On them out, wipe your nose. That's it. These are all things

that only you would understand. This fall on Fox, wipe your nose. Wipe your fucking hashtag. Any dates you want to promote? Yeah. They're all there. I'm doing a million of fucking dates,

but I'm shooting my special in D.C. March 20-something. And it's Whitneycomings. Yes, sir. You never know because gmail. Some people are like, hilariouslindsay. dot net. Yeah. Just make it your

fucking name. Get your domain. Please go to whitneycombeys.com. Check up her upcoming dates. She's one of the goods. She's one of the ladies of the comedy store who destroys. Who's in the line up with fucking killers on a Tuesday night? Most women would stay home and watch

oranges and new purple. She comes down to the fuck people up. So in my world you get all the respect that you ultimately what's he say? What's the end of what's Greece I'm not a fool

for winning you turn around and wait for you you're a good singer What was that song? I just know Grace Lightning or some shit Oh oh

Hopelessly Devote when they're singing on that fucking rock That's me I love you I love you I feel like this wasn't I feel like I'm never funny on podcast And then I'm gonna beat myself up in the car

for like two hours after this No, no. You're like, oh, it should have been funny or I should have told me a funny story. I love you. Thank you very much. Whitney Cummingscom. She's family. Give it whatever she wants.

And that's it. I want to thank Whitney. I want to thank the Christ killer. His mom's coming to town. He's all happy. Oh, cool. From where? Boston.

So you guys are having a great time next week. And I'm your uncle Joey. I love you, motherfuckers. We won't be around next week. You'll have a rough week without me because I'm going to be in New York City. with my family, but we might do something maybe Thursday just to keep Janice

with me and Leah bored and leave sick of his mom by that. Can you please just do a video of you and your mom? Oh, absolutely, yeah. I'm trying to get her to start a podcast. Oh, good. I'll do it. It's just a mom advice one, yeah. That's actually a really good idea.

To tell her that, yeah, she's nervous. No, but that's good. And don't forget for you after Christmas motherfuckers. Where are you that week? Or you're in Portland? After first week, I'm in Raleigh. There's a new club in Raleigh. A new one.

Yep. Not Charlie Goodnights. Nope. I think it's an improv. Oh. Sorry, I should really know my venues. But anyway, if you've got nothing to do after Christmas, the 27, 28, 29th, I'm up in Oxnard at Levity Live. And that's it.

And that's that. All right, I want to thank Whitney Cummings. I want to thank the Flying Jew, aka the Christ Killer, aka the Momo Savant, aka Leonada Space, aka my little brother for helping him out. And I want to thank you guys for always having our backs and supporting this. Like I said, if you came to Hawaii,

you guys saw a great show. Lee did great. Eric Rocha did great. Me, I don't know what the fuck I do. I get up there and I do what I do. But I want to thank you guys for all your support throughout the year. But hold on one second.

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a clean mouth so from now on you don't get shot in the face with bad breath. You know what I'm saying? Because bad breath will kill you too. I also want to thank I want to talk to you people about something at that time of the year,

enough is enough. For the last 30 years your asshole's been stinking like a billy goat and this can't continue because you're a filthy fucking hey I got my issues too. My ass is no fucking

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take a look at the fine selections of the portable bidet. You see something you like? Press in muffler and get 10% off your order. That's how we're rolling today. Again, I want to thank my girl, Whitney Cummings. I want to thank Lee, and I want to thank you guys for being family and for having my back. I ain't shit,

but with you guys, I got a motherfucking shot. I'll see you guys next week or in 10 days. But I'll pop up. I'll be on the periscope. I'll be around. Don't worry about none. I'm like Tony Bennett. I want to be around. All right. I love you guys. stay black, have a great week. Get that fucking meal.