The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #646 - Jimmy Shubert

Episode Date: January 3, 2019

Jimmy Shubert, a comedian with more than 30 years experience and actor seen on "The King Of Queens", joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Jimmy's new special, "Zero Tolerance" will be released on Vimeo on January 15, 2019.  This podcast is brought to you by: Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/muffler for 10% off of your portable bidet order.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 01/02/2019.  

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Oh shit. It's the 4th of January, you bad motherfuckers. We're starting out with some real fucking these are the brothers the BT Express dropping it.

Oh shit. It's it, motherfuckers. It's 2,000. 19 whatever it is what you fucking kidding me or what this is no cosy music right here jack as long as you can this is how bill cos he gets into the trailer he put this music on what come on and do it do it while you pass style oh shit if the church of what's happened now motherfuckers jimmy two shoes shoo The Christ Killer

and Uncle Joey coming at you Happy fucking New Year you dirty fucking savages I love you We made it another Can you believe we made it another year Did you wake up on the first going

What the fuck happened last night I didn't do dick I didn't do dick I see all my mind My business I don't want to see nobody I want to talk to nobody I don't want to get no fucking ear beatings

Jimmy two shoes Schubert's in the house What's up baby? Happy Happy New Year Direct from fucking Philadelphia and my man the Christ killer got his dick sucked on New Year's like a doctor. Look at him. He's all ready to go.

He called me and I was home alone. He's like, you got to do something. I told him you're 30 years old. I give my pinky to be 30. I'd be out there making mellum getting chlamydia. That'd be on my fucking resolution list. New Year's Eve. Don't jinx me.

Acquire chlamydia. Yeah. That's some general. 30 years old. He won't stay in and watch fucking, what are you? I watch Inside Man. I like that one. I want to watch an inside man.

I forgot how good things that was. wasn't this movie as soon as you said that to me I almost went over and dick smacked you you're 30 years old go take a hit of coke or something do something you can't stay in the fucking house you and you're 30 me I'm 56 what the fuck do I give a fuck yeah it's those days are going out you know okay I'm sorry I'm over it you know it's like amateur night everybody comes out I was actually surprised like more people weren't like when you were out there doing the clubs you know it's always a good night but I'm surprised I was most people were relatively behaved you know some people just said the years past you

You get a hammered just throwing up in the audience. How many? You don't know why people start the new year off like that, you know? You know, people really don't know. You're young. You know, people have these New Year's party. They start at six. You don't know.

You do two bunch of coke. At 6.30, you're off and running. By 9 o'clock, there ain't no stopping you. You got fish lips. You don't even remember the fucking bell going down. You don't remember nothing. And that's what happens to people. And listen, I'm guilty, guilty.

I think I did it one year where I got whacked. And then I didn't like getting high on New Year's. I thought it was bad luck to be high. I didn't want cocaine in my nose on the car. Yeah, well, because it's a new year. You got new opportunities. You got new things. But I'd snort my ass off on the first.

Yeah. That on January 1st, during one of those bowl games, I'd be snorting and whacking off, banging one out. But it's so weird how, no, like New Year's never really. And comedy, I think they torture the fucking consumer too much. I don't like that. I want a comedy club patron to have a good experience. Absolutely.

And there was one particular year that I was working that never went out of my mind, and I felt bad for the consumer. In my world, I'm not supposed to think of the consumer, but I don't like getting ripped off. None of us as consumers like getting ripped off, So I'm not paying double for a fucking comic I could see. Yeah. So you give me a shitty piece of salmon.

That comedy club salmon. It's got eyeballs and his shit. Six eyeballs and it's brown skin. You know, or a steak at a comedy club. I'm not doing it. That's the dumbest fucking thing in the world. That's like going to a strip club and ordering salmon. The guy's got puberty hair falling on it and fucking stripper juice.

And, you know, it just doesn't make sense to me. I always think of the consumer. How would I feel? You know, years ago, I got a call from an ex-girlfriend of mine. Years ago, and she said she was going to see Jay Moore, and the club she was at was the worst thing ever, that they treated her like a piece of meat. Yeah.

And I always thought about that. You know, I've always thought about how people think. As much as I have no empathy a lot of times, people who might not think I'm empathetic. I'm very empathetic. I remember working with a comic, and me going up to him as a feature act, and being a fan of his.

Right. Like wanting to be that guy and going up to him and going, there's a bunch of people outside that want to talk to you, like 11 people. And he goes, fuck them. And I was like, that's a mental note that I'm not going to have that attitude. Absolutely.

I don't get to that. I don't get it either. There's just little, little things that you don't understand. I don't like shows where people have to stand. I don't like shows where I have to look at the audience and they look like they're fucking in a bad

they're just having a bad experience. Yeah. I don't like putting audiences. Because it's not really like... Oh, you can make $10,000. I don't care. Yeah. I'd rather not make the money

than piss them off and have them come back a second time. Yeah. Then go, I went there and I had a bad experience. I know what clubs I go to that it's a bad experience when I'm there. I can feel it. Yeah.

Those clubs I never go back to. Like I just, won't go back to them. Yeah, because it's counterproductive what you're trying to do. What you're trying to put everybody in a good mood. You're trying to make them laugh. I mean, the whole purpose of your thing

is to make them laugh and put them in a great mood. And it's really tough to do that. If they're jammed in, there's no room to move. Like you said, they're being charged double or triple what they pay for a normal show and then they throw out. I mean, some clubs do it right. Don't get me wrong.

There's some clubs that do it right. They catered the food in. It's top shelf. It's, you know, and they want everybody to have a good experience because I think a lot of clubs think that that's cool Like you're stepping over a dollar to pick up a penny. A penny.

Yes. For one fucking night, and those people will never come back to you. Never come back again. Never come back again. Because they had a bad experience. So like you said, it's kind of productive.

But you're right. Some people do it. They like the gouge. It's like price gouging during a natural disaster. Like people raise the gas like $3. And it's like, fuck. You know,

it's like, why would you do it to people? They're already down. Why are you kicking them? You know, make sure you have a good customer experience. Plus, people that come to your clubs now.

They have a great customer service. They'll come back again and again. And every time I come here, I see great comedians. Sometimes I look them up. Sometimes I don't. But every time I come to this club, I have a great experience. And that's kind of what you're up against now. I mean, you've got to, it's like, you know, comedy clubs are doing well.

Comedy seems to be on a rise and then someone goes and there's a bad experience at a club. That's when I go to a club and I go to that club again. I don't say it publicly or nothing like that. I just in my mind go, if I had a bad experience, they had a bad experience. And like I said, you can't make a good, you know, well, you can't make a good, you know, Well, you can't make a good deal with a bad person. I mean, if they don't give a shit about the audience members or having a unique experience, then fine.

But, I mean, like you said. It's weird, but whatever. And I stand there and shake every hand on the way out. And I thank people for coming to see my show. And, you know, Larry DeCable guy used to do that. That is essential. They want to meet you. They had a great experience.

You shake their hand. You come back next time and follow me on social media. I mean, you want to, I mean, that's what it's all about now. You know, these people have become fancies. You want to nurture them and tell them to come out and see. future shows. I mean, I don't know, but you're right. The clubs do that and it's kind of creepy, but

it's weird what I learned as an open micer. When I went back to Denver in 93, I learned something about business that was really weird. You know, I had a couple guys that all they did all day as comics was Huffle Rooms. Right.

God bless these guys. Yeah. God bless these guys to always be in my heart because in those days the major clubs wouldn't give you stage time. Yeah. You know, they had an open mic once a month on a Sunday and there was 12 people in there. But where you got better were these bar shows, whether there's a Laker game on or a Bronco game on or a Nugget game and you've got to go in there and do comedy, that's where you learn how to become a comic. And then every three weeks, you go to an A room

and you figure out how to put your bar set into an A set now. Yeah. Because your bars hit's a little dirty, it's a little bit more rugged. But what I remember is from all those sessions where I could always tell the guys that were fans of comedy and always tell, I'm talking about the bar owners. Yeah. I could always tell the bar owners that

were in for business, like a karaoke. I didn't want to do business with them. Right. I wanted people that would say to me, hey, you know, can you get Jimmy Schubert in here? Wow, you know who Jimmy Schubert is. Yeah, my favorite's Bill Hicks.

Like those are the comedy club owners That you want to do comedy with Yeah, because they care about the art for them And then two weeks go in and then Can you get me Fluffy? And now you got to bring them down to earth And go fluffy's 20 G's Yeah, oh, okay

Is there another fat Mexican out there that we could say? You know, they are a fan of comedy Yeah Even if they're losing money Yeah They continue the show And I always love working for guys like that Yes

And I always love working You know Guys that guys that open comedy clubs that are still like that. You love working for guys like that, you know, because they understand that, you know, the art form, they're fans of it. How could you get man to the guy who, you know,

creates an environment for you to make a living doing something you love to do that's a fan of the comedy and the art form? I love working for those guys. That's like, you know, one of those... There's a lot of guys you work for that, number one, they have, when you get to their club, they show up on Thursday.

Listen, if you think after 20 years, I'm going to watch a comic five nights in a row if I'm the club owner you got rocks in your head okay I don't even want to see a fucking comic I've been here for 16 years working every fucking night banging out with comics

I got a kid in high school you know this is the essential comedy club owner who you talk to now when I go to a club you know like you get a survey from the airlines now where you satisfied when I go to a club the first thing I look for is Thursday night

I want the owner to show up. If I fucking worked on Twitter and social network and gay, the podcast to sell this place out, I expect that you see you there, shake my hand. I don't give a fuck if you show up the rest of the weekend. I'd rather not have you around,

but you're a tired ass. Because I'm going to be sparking in here, you know, I'm going to be doing what I do. I don't want you around, but I like those guys. I like those guys that call you Friday and go, if you need something, call the club manager, and he'll drive you to whatever. I don't need anything.

I'll Uber. Yeah. But I like those guys. That goes into the package. For me, it's not the money. I'd rather make less money and get treated like a human being. And for them to understand, you know, when I go into a comedy club and have to stab says to me, I heard the podcast with Jimmy Schubert, that means the world to me.

Yeah. You know, me and Lee used to do a podcast at a club where every week the lady would call me. She didn't know what a podcast was. And I said to Lee, well, now. I'm never coming down here again because I can't deal with somebody who in the height of podcast doesn't know what a podcast is in managing a comedy club. Yeah. I'd rather not make that money.

I'd rather avoid that whole fucking situation. Because if you're a fan of comedy and you're a comedy club manager, how don't you know about the podcast world? Yeah. Dude, it is the single thing that has made comedy clubs come back again is the podcast. You would go to a comedy store, you got three shows or so out. It's because of the podcasting. These people talk about that place. I mean, it's why it's sold out every night.

I mean, how are you, like you said, how could you go to be business and not what a fucking podcast? I can't. I mean, what the fuck? It's like somebody's going, somebody's looking at the, you know, your comedy special, you're trying to sell it. He goes, yeah, I watched a couple minutes of it. Did you not watch the whole fucking thing?

It's just a couple, you watch five minutes of. Is that enough? But it's like, it's weird. It's the same thing. It's like, you know, take a minute. I mean, you know, how busy are people? Well, here's the thing. The comedy podcast,

comedy back because people got to meet who we are now. Yeah. People get to see the real you. You know, for years I thought, you know, for years I thought, like I said, I was a fan of that guys. And I saw him do HBO specials and I saw him do young comedian specials. And then I worked with him and I never fucking paid attention to him again. And now people avoid all that.

You know what's in my heart. You know what's in my head. You know, my opinions are on certain fucking. things. Yeah. You know, they know. People don't come to a show very rarely anymore. Do I see somebody get up in the middle of my set and walk out?

Ten years ago, people would walk out by the dozens. Really? Oh. No, no. You found your fan days. When I did the longest yard, people would walk out by the handfuls. By the handfuls. Well, now they know what they're getting.

They know what they're seeing. They know who they're coming to see, you know? I still remember one particular weekend in Atlanta. Before Laughing, Scarf. He had a big club. Do you remember before a laughing school? Yeah, it was like an amusement thing. And the guy rat was able to pay the comedians with the coins he made off all the amusement games.

Because that place was packed with the comedy club and it was like he didn't care if the audience was. He just, I don't remember me. It was fucking crazy. Yeah. I remember going in there right after the longest yard on the way in. Fucking people were touching me. Like in those days, people didn't really bother you for pictures, but people were like doing different shit. we can't wait to see it

and I still remember getting off that stage and those same people looking away. Yeah. Like I still remember going to all those rooms and just walking people by the handful. Well, you know, I did. I tell the truth that, you know,

Kitteson used to do the same thing. I remember as a dormit at the comedy store before he got his fucking, before he was, you know, he would fucking, we would walk people out of the main room. He goes, I want you to take the names. Three people who died that were close to you. Just write down the

names and three seconds. And then put on a napkin and just hand them up here so I can wipe my ass with it. People would make a fucking Reline for the door like they'd never like, but you know, but that's what happens until you find your fucking groove.

You know what I mean? I mean, people like, you know, now the people are coming to see you want to come to see you. They know what you're doing. You know what I mean? But it's funny. Like people go, like how people come to a comedy club and don't like Google somebody and see what they do and they get upset in the showroom going hi didn't no didn't you fucking google no but three i seen three famous walks yeah the best walk i ever seen was one of the best walking a room was james inman out of seattle washington yeah you know james emman has been around for a long

yeah yeah i've heard that name crazy crazy motherfucker would walk a whole room he would walk half of it him and kathy saw bow a blonde little cute thing from seattle And they just walk around. I remember them walking Bremerton one night, like walking dirty people. Wow. And then, but the walk, the best walk out ever was Stanhope, 98, Seattle, Washington. They were walking out of packs of threes, and he would yell at them and go, hold on, before you leave.

I want you to hear this tit-foot joke. Or he would say something to him, why are you leaving? Come on, you know, you're going to go home and a fucker up the ass and put your dick in the face. I mean, he was insulting them as they were leaving. Yeah. That was fucking classic. Like, they were walking out in threes. Yeah, and just, I love that, though.

But just the not giving a fuck. Not to give a fuck. That's a complete different gift. No, that is. I mean, dude, I watched fucking Bill Burr. I was at the show in Philly with Bill Burr got fucking booed. I was getting booed by like 10,000 people. And just fucking going at him, like, fucking just like,

there's sheer information he had about. the city of Philadelphia and their sports teams and their losses and fucking just jamming it down in the throat. It was fucking brilliant. Like just people have to be, we're loving and a half to be, but it was fucking great. I'll never forget.

I was watching, I was looking at Dom. And Dom goes, he's got 11 minutes left. And just after that Bill Burrard, I got 11 minutes left and I'm doing all of it. And I was just fucking dying. What balls that fuck it?

But it's fucking great. Dude, I love that. What are the options? You can't walk off the stage. because you lose yeah it's a psychological loss you just lost it's you in a microphone against 300 people no dude I was the first guy out there they started fucking boo me about fucking I'm sitting there taking fucking haymakers how long are you taking haymakers I just for a couple minutes till I fucking realize I go these motherfuckers

are booing I didn't realize they were fucking booing at first and then they're fucking booing and 10,000 people and your fucking family should be audience and I know those fans if I go fucking off on these motherfuckers I was only supposed to do like eight minutes anyway and so I said hey thank you guys you guys been great but the minute I fucking next to you know they're throwing fucking my head that's Philadelphia bro they threw batteries it's fucking you know they throw batteries at people they blue Santa Claus they're horrible fucking people listen I just want I just thank you you've been great listen got the fuck out of there I love

Philadelphia yeah I do too I mean with my art I belong in Philadelphia the way I belong in Central Mexico yeah my thinking is a Philadelphia I think of when I think of Philadelphia, I think of getting off the plane and seeing Joe Frazier's gym and my dick and hard. Yeah. And that mentality. That Joe Frazier mentality. That's the mentality of the city. Yeah.

I remember their football teams. I remember going there to see the stones. Yeah. I remember going there to see Black Sabbath, the video. You know, I spent a lot of time at Glassboro College. I spent a lot of time at those stupid cheese shop places, which I have no fucking idea with their names, were then or whatever. Patch and Gino's a cheese steak.

Yeah, this is 80, 81, 82, 83. I was in Philadelphia 10 times a fucking year. Then when Dr. Jay went to Philly, forget about it. I learned Philadelphia. I would go to those games at the spectrum and save the coupons because if they scored over 10025 points, you got a free hamburger at the corner joint, and then there'd be a thousand fucking mignon's and Chinese people.

You've got to wait up to get a free cheeseburger. You know what happens when you give away a free cheeseburger of Philadelphia? You know what that's like? That's like Bat Day at Yankee Stadium where the Red Sox are coming. You're just inciting a war. You know what I'm saying? You're just inciting a fucking war. But what is well known about Philadelphia that I'm going to tell a guy like he was.

In the 70s, they already had a jail at RFK State or JFK Stadium. There's a courtroom in the jail. A courtroom in the jail. This is just the late. you know people in the 70s if you look at all the biggest world tours of rock musicians the first night was always Philadelphia why to get it out of the way to get it out of the way we're gonna get tortured and let me tell you how back I go with Philadelphia just to tell you motherfuckers I go back to Philly July 81 look it up

and Google me back or whatever if I'm right or I'm wrong the day there it had to be July of 81 80 black Sabbath with Ronnie James Dio Sammy Hagar before Van Halen and somebody else Philadelphia I had never seen this before my fucking whole life at the age of 17 18 they were spitting on their fingers they would clam on their fingers and flick the fingers spit at you I was in sixth row at Black Sabbath and the first five rows were just people spitting on their fingers and flinging it at sammy hagar sammy hagar's on stage fucking evade and spit okay so i put all these things together in my head that you can't sing in philly the football didn't they hit somebody with a battery at a football game yeah they

threw there was one of the dallas cowboys they thought he hurt his neck i think it was maybe drew pearson at number 88 and he don't give a fuck and he fucking it was like a fucker and they started throwing fucking batteries at the guys they're carting them off like they booed fucking santa claus That was like December 15th. Santa Claus is only Santa Claus one day a year. That's December 25th. That guy was just a fat guy in a red suit for the wrong team.

They fucking booed him out of... But I mean, they're notoriously fucking horrible. Why else would you put a jail? Like, they're consistently number two worst fans in every sport. But nobody... It's a great...

It's what Dice tape is special. Yeah. Which is you... If they love you, they love you, they love you. And that's why I love going to every year. I go to every year. Was it the Heaven and Haltor? Yeah.

August 9th of 1980 yeah August 9th they they spit at them did when Ronnie James Dio took the stage they were booing them they were throwing things for drinks yeah they fucking security couldn't can't even control you we did that's where the my buddy in fact we got to the show with like shitty tickets that was like a whole fucking day we got to the show with shitty tickets my buddy left and came back with better tickets he finagled 18th row for six-roll center And then he came back with these quailudes that weren't really quailudes. They were these long purple things.

I go, dog, what's wrong with you? You know, it was acid. He came back with these thick acid. I go, it looked like a little marshmallow that somebody spray painted purple. I go, that's not acid. He kept saying, I'm telling you, it's acid. He day ate two of them, and during the show, he passed out. So on the drive home, we kept telling him, those are purple quailutes, and he was pissed.

I'm telling you, those weren't quailutes. They were assing. Why the fuck didn't you pass out here? So for years, every time he comes to me and go, Schubert's got the best Coke or something, he'd go, oh, you know who's got good Coke, will you? I go, weren't you the guy that did the purple quailoos in Philadelphia? He never lived.

Fuck you. I'm telling you, that was the best ass that I ever did. Did I remember, I was going to town, they'd shave pencil shavings, and they'd sell the dudes for, like, you know, and it's real good weed, man. It's like Mexican rum, but there was pencil shavings. And these second stupid kids would buy it

because they never know what fucking pot looked like. And I go, you got ripped off again, you idiot. Talk, I remember being in Philly and snort and coke. We had the trunk open for that Black Sabatour. In those days, you put coolers in your trunk. Yeah. And you went to a concert and you tailgated. Right.

Same way. You tail, we had the trunk open. Yeah. We had the two coolers out. Getting your pre-show buzz on. We had the car stereo on, heaven and hell. We're hanging out. We had a little bottle.

The plan was to go to Philadelphia. and then drive to Seaside Heights and spend the night on the way back. That was the plan. So I'd have one of those little brown bottles filled with Coke to the fucking brim. The next thing, you know, a car pulls up and it's the FBI.

And they throw us up against the car and they go through our shit. And that bottle was in there, though. It was in plain sight. They were looking for bootleg t-shirts. Because people were selling bootleg t-shirts back there and that's what they were looking for. The FBI.

There's some shit. Fucking. They missed a little brown bottle. They didn't touch that little fucking bindle of death. It was the base. They had the little bottle with the spoon at the top. Oh, yeah, yeah. You get it all.

One man out of one band, bro. It was a guy with the bass drum and a symbol on days of one. Oh, yeah. It was a one man back. Then they sold the kits. Remember they started opening up the kits? Yeah. And the kit was like a wallet.

It came like a wallet. Yeah, it was like that little. I had that little green. It was like an off-color green thing. When you flip it up. A little slate. A little slate. Then there was a green thing, right.

And there was a scale that was tiny. That was accurate as fuck. Yeah, bro. Those things were a little scale. I come to you. What was a, does it say, gram? Three grams. It had a fucking, a little alligator clip on the end of it.

You put on the thing. And you'd hold it off your thumb. And it would weigh down. Like it was just so. That was the weed one. Yeah. That was the weed one. That was the weed one.

It was a weed one that you put on your thumb and it hugged down. And it would be perfect and you put the bud in it and it would weigh perfect. And then they came up with the green one, the one that was compacted. You put it in your pocket and you took it out and you could weigh coconut and put it at whatever. It was good for eight balls, grams. They had a digital readout one too. That was also pretty good. No, I never got to the digital reader.

That was one. And then we robbed the science lab and we took all the triple beam scales. That was like a big shot. A teacher had to come to my house. and you got to give a couple of them back. Like, they cut a deal with us. You can't keep dirty, but you got to give us 30 back.

You can't leave us without triple beams. We were walking out of there every day with a triple bean scale. One day I go, why am I walking out? We went to the high school. We took all the triple beam scales. Two days later, Camel Breath,

George McGrath, more than the fucking crazy teachers when the listen they know. Just give us half the scales back. I had to show up. Everybody had those triple beam scales to fucking down. No.

everybody had a scale at the house Lee how crazy is that in the 80s if you didn't have the scale you were like an outcaste if I went to the house let me get a scale okay it's in the back room dude there's this famous story it was like it was with uh

it was one time we were at the back in crest hill days and there was this guy named magic this middle eastern dude used to be like you know it was the guy would be able to get Sam's stuff and you know he's kind of like a deal his name was man but I watch this guy one time he had to control

Now, what year is this? This is like, shit, 89. Now, he was Arab? Yeah, he wasn't an Arab. Now, remember, that wasn't a lot of Arabs around. No, no. So if one Arab showed up, he had to be really cool. He had to show up with diamonds and coke.

Yeah, yeah, no, but he was one of those guys. He was Sam the Arab. And did he, he watched this guy. And I had Joe the Arab in New York. I was telling you. So basically. It was cool to be Arab in the 80s. So this dude, this dude has a bag, but he digs his two fingers,

digs him into the bag. He, like, tore a page out. The first time I've ever seen this done. I go, this is going to be a scene in the movie. He tears a page out of the magazine, like almost straight, folds in like the perfect triangle, makes a bindle out of it. Then he looks in the freaking bag and he fucking eyeballs, he takes his two fingers in.

He grabs a bit, he fucking looks out of the eye, he throws it in the freaking bindle, you know, but a little more. Like, he just eyed an eight ball. Then like there was stuff on the end of his fingers. He just like, and he just folded it up. And he goes, here, like take that and take that over to sit. It was like, he eyed an eight ball.

I've never seen anybody do that before. In the front seat of a car, like, go, from like, you know, right out of the bag, into the bundle, into the thing. If I knew what was in the bag, I could iron a ball. Yeah. And it could be off 2.5 maybe. Yeah. If I knew I had seven in the bag, I could iron a ball.

Yeah. If I knew I had 14, I could eye an eight ball. You know, I could I. You can pretty much eye, yeah. I could eye it, take some out. I was just a young kid. I was like, you know, I probably like, remember 26 or 27, and I saw that guy do that.

You were going to, yeah, man, that's amazing. How long have you been doing comedy for now? Jesus, bro, I started and I started in Philly. It was like coming up on 30, 30 years. Yeah, but I, did you know Dom back in Philly or was... No, I didn't know Dom back in Philly. There's a couple of I knew Keith Robinson back in Philly and new Todd Glass back in Philly.

And, like, you know, those were the kind of guys that kind of started with, you know, some... And, yeah, but I only... I did comedy for about two years in Philly. I was going to go to New York. And I said, well, if I go to New York, eventually I'm going to have to go to L.A. anyway. And I go, I got this, you know,

and I... Because I've been, you know, been performing, like, know basically like my whole life I still was doing fucking magic when I was 11 and 12 I got like three or four shows I don't bring it up no bring it up so I won't so then I went to and then I had 18 I just went to clubs for a couple years and headed out this way because I knew I was gonna if I went to New York I was gonna have to go to L.A. anyway so I just said let me just skip out the middleman just go to L.A. And then I started working at the I showcase from Mitzie like two weeks later I

didn't pass but I got a job at the doorman the night the night that Tony Clifton was supposed to appear in a man was like a year after Andy Kaufman's death. Tony Clifton is appearing at the main room in the comedy store. And everybody thought, oh, fuck. Andy, it was a character that Andy Kaufman used to do. This Tony Clifton guy. They thought Andy Kaufman was like year after he was done.

They thought it was going to be. And that was the day I started working as a doorman. They needed extra people because it was crazy. And it was really Bob Zimuda dressed as Tony Clifton because so, but all the media thought it was Andy Kaufman playing a joke on him. And he went up there and his fucking, I never seen anything like the guy was on stage. Like probably 15, 20, we started walking people. He's flitting like cigarettes and people throwing drinks at people this character Tony Clifton was a fucking nutbag

Empties the fucking room out and that people were walking out like well, we felt like you know, it was just hilarious But ever since then I started working at the door and then eventually got passed as a like non-paid regular I could do the belly room So probably like you know 86 87 you know was where I started Jesus Christ yeah That was big when Bob was a mood I never got all that by the way No I never did either I mean it was a cool because you're an Coughman used to do this character and then when he would do it like about halfway through doing the character Andy Copman do it he gave the character to Bob Zamuda and said

you do Andy Caught you do and he said you do Tony Clifton from now on you just here's the thing because they were dressed up it was a big deal you know everybody knew that Andy Kaufman was doing that character they didn't realize he had handed it off for him to do so a year after his death when Tony Clifton's making appearance at the main room at the comedy store Everybody thought this is where Andy's going to fuck this is where he's going to tell everybody didn't really die They thought he was like playing a joke on him So but it was fucking crazy and it was insane and that's like you know So the night named Bob Zimudu who to this day continues to do the Tony Clifton character which is where

Well he does it around town he does I've seen him at flappers I seen him I seen him do it in In Chicago with the one of the Chicago comedy festivals I mean he's just I mean that's not like a big thing because most people don't remember Andy Kaufman used to do the character it's way beyond like Like, you should have dropped that, like, years ago, but he still does it. I mean, it's the stupidest thing. Like, you know, it's just like, at one point it was good. He would actually try to do his show. But he's been in the comedy story in the main room.

He does Tony Clifton. He has the singing girls. Not recently, but, you know, probably like maybe two years ago, three years ago he was doing it. I mean, you know, people, you know, people get the back story. They think it's kind of fun, but most people don't even know who fucking Sam Kinnis was, let alone who, and even though Andy Coppittal, it's a big enough body work. Most people, you know, the younger generation, they don't have any fucking reference. They don't, like, no, you know, you got to turn people on to Sam Kinnis.

And they go back and look at his YouTube stuff and go, wow, that guy was fucking great. They don't know him now. He's been dead for 26 years. Yeah, the man, I got the Sam Kennis and Foxhole. Oh, yeah. I went to look up something on Young Comedian Special. Oh, yeah. And I watched Sam set, and then there was something from, I watched something else, like a longer one,

right from hell or something. Yeah. And I was fucking howl. Did you tell me tell me what happened? About an hour later, I turned off the thing when I think I got like a soda or something. It must have been 1130 at night. I went back on social media and I checked my Twitter. And the first tweet that came up was, hey, how fucked up was Kennison at that day being in Vegas?

And I fucking go, how creepy is this shit? Some guy out of random on Twitter. Wow. New Year's Eve said this to me. I went down the Foxhole New Year's Eve. Yeah. I was in the move for Kinsey. Dude.

You don't even know how crazy that was. I mean, he had scheduled three fucking shows. Dude, he was like when we did, like, we did the Universal Amphitheater in freaking that show. And he had like Ginger Baker on the drums. He had C.C. Deville from Poisonedin' fucking David Lee Roth was there. I mean, it was like a fucking New Year's. And then we all go to the Van Nuys Airport, jump on fucking Lear Jets, fly to Vegas for like a 3 a.m. show. I mean, that was one of the years he did it, but Kinnison also did, like, he was five.

A.m. show. Do a three a.m. show in Vegas, bro. And, but that's the way where Sam was so fucked up. His brother Bill's doing the countdown from behind the curtain. Dan, because his brother Bill, because Sam was so fucked up, they didn't even want to do the show. But they, you know, they got him on fucking oxygen. They got them breathing. And this is after, like, three, this is after, like, staying up for, like, three, four days in a fucking row. And like, your fucking room service bill is $7,500 for three days just in booze. shit. I mean, believe me, bro, that was like, I mean, that was it,

bro. I did that one trip in Vegas. I came back and I started going to fucking AA meetings. I said, I'm done. I'm fucking done, bro. I mean, I had to get a cat scan. I thought I had brain damage. Would that go today in comedy? No. No. Fuck, no. It doesn't. It can't go. I'm glad

it happened when it did, bro, because, I mean, Joe, you know how fucking, look how hard you fucking work. You can't do that shit. You lose fucking three or four days. I mean, it's not. I told Lee that it I was still doing coke. Lee would have been here waiting for me 10 times.

Yeah, I mean, it's not even happening. I would have been calling you going, Lee, I'll be there in 10 minutes. Yeah, it's just, you would have to quit. Plus off, dude, we're just... That 6 a.m. podcast we used to do? Yeah. There's no way.

It would have lasted 90 days. It's insane, dude. I think about it sometimes. I get physically ill when I think about the amount of drugs that's just the fucking people hanging out, the fucking, all these fucking, like, it was just kind of like creepy.

You know, I mean, that fucking Kitteson was my, buddy man I got put fucking great moments in my life I get to do the spectrum in Philadelphia open for him for 60 300 people I mean this guy was fucking you know I had a I just felt fucking bad for the dude man you say you say you know like you go the comedians today are prepared for success it's like nobody wants to be that guy it wouldn't fucking play I mean look at looking you know and God rest their souls but the Chris Farley's and the and the guys that Joe the John Belushi's and Kinnisans

it's like he's met Chad Burks What's that the Mitch Headbergs. Yeah, I mean, guys that you fucking were like me. It just kills the it's not enough to be fucking a great fucking comedian. You really have to be prepared success when it comes and just some of us are, you know, it's just taking some of us, you know, a little longer than others. I mean, I had to learn how to become a professional. You have to learn how to do these things and sometimes just, you know, I mean, I always

think back on freaking kidding, like what would he have done and I do the exact opposite? It usually works out. My big fear was not getting high because, you know, I'm going to go home. My big fear was not getting high because, that wouldn't be funny. Like, for the last three years of my cocaine life, I was at struggle with myself.

Yeah. Because it's like being that fat guy. You get a bunch of work, but your doctor tells you need to lose weight. Yeah. And you lose 100 pounds, and you stop getting rolls. Yeah.

You're not that fat guy no more. Yeah. Well, the same thing. I was really concerned about if I stopped this cocaine thing, that the funny will not be there anymore. That's part of the whole craziness. I thought that was really ingrained in what fueled me.

Yeah. So the fear, that fear, was what kept me from stopping from maybe 2004 on. I wanted a quick cocaine. Well, yeah. But I'm like, I can't do this. Well, it's interesting. I mean, I think, you know, you're such an authentic human being. I mean, some guys, you know, like us, I mean, you sometimes you, there's two versions.

You either fucking drink and do the cocaine to fucking to fuel them. the fire or you fucking try to put the fire out with using drugs and cocaine and sometimes you know some guys i mean i don't know i i i i feel it the same way i just you know it's had to come off it i just didn't i just didn't enjoy who i was on it anymore and i and i think i wore out of because you know you do that stuff they just i just i just couldn't do it now i just think i just all i just think of is like all the fucking time what do you do after a show what is your ritual after thursday night friday night and saturday night show well usually i'm going to get up at six o'clock in morning so I sit there literally I really try to have a really great show on Thursday night I get

you know and I need you get up at six and go do media so I go right home you know I drink a bunch of water and get up and do my media and just plan and know like what I did on those shows before so try to do some new bit about Friday night when you get back from the hotel Friday night Friday might I just relax I just you know I you smoke refud you do a Xanax do you do it a pop cookie yeah I do I would do a pot cookie that would put because it kind of helps me sleep that's why I really do it I mean I wouldn't do a and then and then just get ready for set for me it's all about working on the on the material now the high for me is good doing great you know come up with some new bits and that gets me excited more than anything is

come up with a new bit that kills me I got the new 20 minutes in the front of my act that I just I just kind of got working I mean the first bid he come out gets a round of applause and the second bit and the third and I'm excited about that I can't wait for how do you feel about that today thank we had this fucking stupid an excuse. It was a fucking excuse. When a comic or performer gets off stage, their adrenaline, they have to keep the high going.

It was this fucking bullshit that I bought into all, so I'm not going to lie to you. But I'm going to debunk that bullshit right now. Yeah. First off, yes, you need something to take that at joke. When I come offstage and I have a great set, I'm ready to fight somebody. Yeah.

I want to stab somebody in the fucking, line. And then you talk to your peers behind stage a little bit, and you go out and take pictures or whatever, and then you go back to your room, and your mind starts racing. You know, for me, my mind starts racing. That's why I bring the vapor with me. Yeah. I roll the extra joint when I get back to the hotel, you know, because that's my night

to be loose. I love my Friday night in comedy. My Friday night in comedy, I don't have to get up. Yeah, the next night, right? Saturday, yeah, you know. I don't have to do shit. Yeah. All I know is I got to beat that hotel breakfast by 11.

That's right. Okay? If I can make it down there by 11, that's all I need. Because even if I go to bed at 4, I'll be walking around at 9. Yeah. I get up at 9 and drink a cup of coffee in my room. Yeah. I hit the vapor pen to get the appetite going.

And I roll a joint. Yeah. I roll a joint. Sometimes I wash my pussy. Sometimes I go down with a dirty push. I just wash my hair and put some monkey juice on it. Tim Tett McGu. I put vizine in my eyes.

I eat that breakfast downstairs. Two eggs, the two slices of baking, one piece of wheat doughs, a cup of oatmeal. I go around for a walk around the name, but I blast that fucking number. And then I go back upstairs and I put on something on Narcos.

Until I feel a little tired. I take that nap till two, and I'm good. So that whole debunk of the, well, we need to keep the party alive. No, that's just an excuse to give you something. No, and it's bullshit. A junkie. I lived off it so I could tell you.

When I go back into the green room, I take a couple of fucking deep breaths and I let it fucking go. I mean, that's the biggest thing I do is let go of that fucking energy from the show because it was a fucking show, just kind of calm down, go out there, get a nice fucking big bottle of water or maybe I'm maybe I have a drink, one drink, and then get the fuck out. Or say how I take pictures and get the fuck out. I mean, I'm not about keeping the party going. I've got to do stuff.

I think if I, like, you know, have those nights where you like fucking knock back like four or five drinks, you just, you lose the next two days. You know, you sleep in a little bit. I guess I can't afford to do it anymore, you know? And like you said, it's not taking care of yourself. Well, the recovery time, the recovery time, listen, I couldn't handle hangovers. Oh, that's 35. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I was already puking blood. I would go to that fucking Miami wet willies and I drink those red drinks. Those, those, there's a call a cab. All the cabs. And I'd be fucked up. Oh, you know, I saw Tuesday, Dave and Elliot Merrill. How are they? Oh, dude, the Merrill's boys are great.

You know, I was in West Palm and I thought about them the whole time. Oh, man. They're such good guys. Dude, I was just down there hanging with them. We had lunch. They're good. Paradise Point Hotel. Paradise Point Hotel, bro.

Those guys were, I mean, those two guys are great, man. They're from the old school, but they're 20 years, and they still haven't made that movie. And they've spent millions. They got millions of those two cocksuckers. They both walk around squeaking, those Jew brothers. They fucking both of them. One plays tennis all day. The other one quit smoking pot.

Yeah. So now he don't smoke pot. No, no. He was a fucking big pot. I mean, the moment you went, the Paradise Point was a hotel in South Beach. Yeah, but they still have it. They still have it.

They're being in the air being. But they're very low key, but they, like you said, they live like doctors. They live like doctors in West Palm. I think the father had, they invented the tennis racket. He's got more money than fucking, you know. And they were just these two sweet brothers. tremendous. I mean, yeah.

There was a time where like, you know, you got hung out with those guys that took care of you. Oh my God. You want to, I would stay in Miami. They'd give me a room at the hotel for free. You could walk to a bodega where they were at. There's a movie called Empire. One of the worst movies you'll ever see. It's got John Leguizamo and a couple other people

in the movie Madonna's husband's in it. It's an interesting movie if it's late night. You're by yourself and it's on HBO. But the scene where he goes to Miami, shoot the guy and he meets a guy and he tells him the guy tells him to spit the gum out of his mouth and he goes why he goes put the gun under the piece of the table the guns waiting for you it's like me calling you and go and go and go in the philly and the piece when i get there and also he go meet me at this bodega that bodega was walking distance from paradise point and they sold

the cuba food by the pound lee you have no idea i would get fucked up till six seven in the morning, got up at 10, and walk over to that fucking bodega, a bodega that had tremendous Cuban food. And they would get one of those fucking containers. Like, you get a Chalings, what's that fucking Chinese restaurant? When you get the five different orders, they would put black beans on one rice packet in. Oh, yeah, I remember that joint. It was fun.

Great. Oh, with a side order of fried bananas and two or three cans of Coca-Cola. And I'd walk back to that hotel. And I'd inhale that food, smoke a joint. and go right back to bed. Every room that has a different theme. Yeah. They're like the pirate's room.

They got like the fuck in. That those one was the sea, where it was all the sea creatures. Right. The sea creatures. But all the rooms had their own theme, but they had like eight rooms down there. And dude,

and they had a rooftop patio. A rooftop patio. And during the season, all the models that were down there shooting would stay there. So all these beautiful girls, these skinny, hot, sexy European models would come down there.

And then every afternoon would be a roof on the part. And then they play guitar. Yeah, They go up the root party. Montrez would sing his, you know, play his music. And he's made,

Montrez is one of those black singers that would make white girls' pussies go crazy. Yeah, you could ring out the panties. Oh, my God. Montres was fucking brilliant. Yeah, he was. He's great. You know, he still lives in the basement, I think.

Yeah. They still live in the office. Montres is one of those guys that fell between the cracks. And it happens in comedy. Yeah. And it happens in music. And it happens all the time because just something didn't click.

Yeah. Well, it's like anything else. I mean, you know, it's like, yeah, you're right. You see all that stuff. You see it with music. You see it with bands. It's fucking, you know, Tommy Commonwealth and he can't fucking sing much. He can sing.

He can sing. He can sing. You know, a couple weeks ago, I did a thing about my first 10 years of comedy. I came on the podcast and wrote it out. I really thought about it because I just wanted people to know what you need to go through. You know, I went through the first three years where I, was just tell people I was a comic and I get on stage once every two weeks and I would improvise not have any material and then I finally found love with it and I attacked it and then I moved to

L.A. And I felt bad afterwards because I re-looked it over and I didn't mention you one time. This is why I'm having you on the podcast today to apologize to you because there's nobody who helped me out when I got here more than you. Oh, really? Yeah, like I remember talking to a certain comic up at the store one night, and I don't know, how you and me connected, and you said, don't talk to him, he's a fucking loser. And then at that time, you had just gotten your first deal

when you came back from Montreal, and the guy from NBC came up, do you? Yeah. I mean, you hooked me up with your manager, who I just spoke to the other day. Jeff Kittlin, who I love dearly. You taught me the ropes. You even gave me a briefcase to take.

to take my notes and notebooks on the road with me that I just recently threw away when I moved to the valley because it was such a beat-up suitcase but it had so much tradition like you had put 10 years into it it was like a suitcase to have your head shots

and resumes yeah just because you don't want to take it serious because you're coming out here you know people don't get us like it's really like kind of like when you're out on the road and you're traveling your torrents like playing college ball but when you get to L.A. and even know it's a tough fucking

It's really kind of running with the pros because you're gonna have auditions and you're gonna have shit and you go this isn't a fucking game anymore And you're competing some of the best people looking you just got to have your fucking shit together a little bit No, you schooled me and I want to thank you or to take the time Dude, it's my pleasure I remember you was you would take an acting classes on Mondays at the improv With that dude who was like a high level acting coach yeah he was he worked with comedians specifically Specifically right I want to say crack hour Yes Bob crack out Bob Crackard.

You got me, I couldn't afford. And that guy, you know, was in that acting class? Who? It was Jeff Chenna. It was Jimmy Fallon. It was me. It was Kathleen Madigan. It was like, you know, there were some, there was some fuck.

Todd Glass was, I mean, some heavyweight, like fucking comics at the time. And he specifically worked with comedians and trying to, dude, I book everything with that. I love Bob Crackard because he was, he got what you did. And I would work, like, if I had an audition, I could work with him in class and then go do it later on. Amazing him and a woman named Karen West that I mean you know look I got little parts here got bigger parts here got some But you know people don't realize it collectively you get that fucking money from shot and you get residuals and you get your insurance And you get the fucking bank of the credit union you get benefits from the fucking union that did you didn't get what fucking stand up And so I was always like yeah I got to keep my fucking feet because that's just it's funny that I learned that from you

Yeah when I by the time our paths cross I had already realized that I was not going to get any love as a stand The stand-up cards were not, not at that time. Montreal didn't want me. The improvs didn't want me. I couldn't find the manager. I couldn't find an agent. I mean, it just, and you had books.

You had booked Go. Yeah. You had just booked Go. And I just, for what year to go, come on. It came on 99. 99. No, I was hanging with you before that. Yeah, we were hanging.

I was hanging with you before that. But I booked that fucking roll. I mean, I just got back from the bar. My 12-year-old cousin, Joey Casey, he passed away, and I wasn't in the fucking move for the Hollywood bullshit. And I went in, and I had a couple auditions that day, and they called me back for it. And I just fucking did my thing.

I really put all the, through the chair down. I kicked the fucking chair a couple times. I was like, I was supposed to fucking freak out. I just fucking turn around. I just walked out of the fucking joint. And, you know, Gitlin, our Amigo calls me, and he goes, you're in first position for that fucking movie. I went big deal, because I was still in the middle of doing a fucking development

deal thing. I was trying to get a fucking TV show on, so I didn't give a fuck about that movie Go was a fucking brilliant, fucking cult classic. I used to work with Doug Lyman, the guy who directed that, but it was like, I mean, it came in a really fucking shitty point in my life, but I got the role. And I was like, that's why I started to realize. But yeah, I mean, you don't realize as a community, you can still get these things. If you can audition well, you can get them, you know. And so. Yeah, right, because you got the deal first.

I hung with you. I met you when you were in the process of the deal. Yeah, and trying to find her. go to Hoy's Walk. You would always buy me lunch at Hoy's Walk. That's right. On Sunset and LaBreya, we would smoke a joint, we'd go back to your house, and then you also discovered that I was the real deal when I called the

quarterback that night. Dude, I was, I made my chili. That's the first time ever. I made my fucking chili. I had the world class year. You were watching the game, and you were calling the place. You're going to say, John always going to run this thing on them. Monday night football, I know how it worked. Oh my God, but you called it. He was called him. And, and

And that was the play where he jumps in. He gets hit in the back and spins around. It spins around. And it landed in. I go watch, Elway's in the run this in. Yeah. I was calling the play because I knew Denver so well. It was like he was in a hundred.

I was watching Denver for years. I was there when Elway got drafted. I was there. Yeah. Went against Cleveland. When he made the drive against Cleveland. I knew Elway like the back of my hand. Yeah.

I knew that he had to get the right team. Dude, I knew, I knew football. And you were like three. I'm going to this motherfucker. Oh, I knew. I knew that. I knew them. By this time, I was watching.

Because you used to collect book over the book. You were watching for the booth. So I would watch the Broncos till the end. I knew Elway's. I still remember when they won their first championship year. I cried because I always knew Elway was a winner. When I heard that story about how the Yankees went fucking, the guy went into the meeting and Steinbrenner opened up the cabinet and left field was Elway.

Yeah. He goes, I don't care. about fucking football. That's my team. Two years. I want John Elway because Elway could... He was a baseball player and a football? Baseball player.

So if nobody really knows the story, it's very interesting. Did he get signed to San Diego? It was a scam. Oh. They scammed everybody. They scammed everybody. First of all, it was the biggest football draft ever for quarterbacks. It was Elway Marino, Boomer, Oisciason.

It was like a big fucking draft. And fucking, you got to watch it 30 for 30 because I'm not giving and then I need justice. Elway got drafted by the Baltimore Colts. That's what it was. And he didn't want to play him with Baltimore. He's like, I'm not going to Baltimore. So Steinbrenner cut a deal with him.

Steinbrenner goes, listen, I'll give you half a mill, give me a quarter of a mill back. You say you play baseball. I send you up to fuck up there for a couple months. Just play baseball for a few months. Forget about this whole thing. And then I'll sell you in Denver. It was like a kinky deal. but Elway the rumor was

Elway could step Elway could step on the warning track with his left foot and without moving put it in the catcher's mitt that was that was the rumor that Elway could get a ball

and just fucking launch it and put it right in the catchers mitt that was how good Elway was but he couldn't hit he was phenomenal his arm was great he could field something really I don't know the exact story

so that's what they did. It was a scam. Steinbrenner, the King Jew, that he was. The Steinbrenner did not take shit from anybody. He got involved. And he got fucking, what's his name? Got him on there.

Yeah, yeah, go take yourself one. He got him on the fucking team. They did something, and then the Broncos picked them up, and that's how the Broncos ended up with John El. And John Elway got tortured from day one in Denver. They didn't like them because they were a football town. And then he started winning, but then he lost four Super Bowls or something.

Like two Super Bowls or three in a row. They got killed against the Redskins. The only black quarterback to ever go bananas once against him. Fucking Pete, those racists in Denver were going crazy. Oh, Doug, Doug. Oh, that's a play from Washington. Yeah. Ah, geez, I know who you're talking about.

He never played football again. Well, yeah, he never got the credit. The KKK showed up in his house. Whatever the deal is. I mean, you know, Elway did one both. Doug Williams. Doug Williams was his name. He played for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers,

and they went bananas on the Broncos. That guy never played again. They went to his house the next day and said, you'll play football again. You're embarrassed white people. You destroyed white people. We will never fucking let you play football games. He's coaching fucking high school football

on the witness relocation league. You think I'm fucking kid. Well, you know what I love, I love that Elway towards the end of his career wins back-to-back Super Bowls. Oh, no, he was a bad mother-off. But that's what I'm saying. Don't ever get that right.

No, no. But I also love that he also got with Peyton Manning. and got him to go out with enough good players that he got a second ring on his way out and I mean he wasn't Peyton Manning of years before but always do have to manage the game because that defense

was ridiculous but I love that he got the second Super Bowl ring playing with you know Doug Elway is the you know running the front office of that team the Denver to go off on the fucking whatever but it's true because of you I got into an acting class because of you

I did what you said you know, three out of ten comics are going to have a pension. Three out of ten comics walk around with no insurance. Yeah. You know, three, because they never really thought of the acting side. No. I didn't want to be an actor. I didn't start off to be an actor,

but I thought it would be a valuable tool in my tool shed. Yeah. I knew that somewhere or another it would help me on stage. Well, it makes you better stand up on the one. Make sure better stand up when you act. And then comes the day when you incorporate your stand up into your acting. And now you're acting and becomes a fucking, like, I don't do a lot of things good. I don't fuck good.

I mean, I'd be able to cook a fucking steak. But I will tell you what I'm very good at is going into a room with four people in it and fucking them up. Yeah. And it's because of the original room. I give that credit to the original room. co-reading workshops. Yeah. You combine that together. And you got something special. Yeah. I mean, because, dude, I look at all the roles I've done. I've got a lot of fucking roles and it was just going and straight up auditioning. I didn't know anybody. I didn't have a fucking famous uncle.

I didn't have a famous dad. I mean, you had to go in with 380 other fucking actors and do the best fucking reading you could. The competition side of that got me fucking excited. I mean, there was a there was about six months with me and Billy Gardell. If I didn't get the job, he got the job. I didn't get the job, he got the job. I got the job, he didn't get the job. But for six months, we were going for the same stuff. And then one time we were just coming around a corner of Warner Brothers, and he comes around and going to go, Schubert, have a God, now.

But, you know, that friendly competition makes you better. You know what I mean? I mean, if I didn't get it, I want to know if my friend got it. But like you said, that acting stuff. I never, I knew when I first got here, I cannot lie to you or to the audience. When I first got here, I had a mental competitive naturally. But to succeed, I had to eliminate people as competition and make them my comrades.

Yeah, because you're competing against yourself. So what I do usually, what I did for years was when I get an audition, I made as a cosmic karma thing for me, I would call somebody who was my type and say, did you get a call for this? and they would go, no, I didn't. You gave me a couple calls like that. Or your agent. Even though I wanted that role,

I would call people just for the karmic energy. That's great. To let people know that, because you don't know what they're looking for. I'm the same way. You don't want to give me the job? Don't give it to me, but give it to Lee. You don't want to give it to Lee? Let's give it to the Agostino.

Yeah. You don't want to give it to the Agostino? Let's give it to fucking Rogan. You don't want to give it to Rogan? Let's give it to Inch Club. Yeah. But you're going to give it to somebody in my family. Yeah, you're going to give it to somebody.

You're going to give it to something in my family. And that's how I thought when I went into those auditions. I eliminate everybody. I got no competition in this town. Yeah. I have no ill will to no comic anything at all. I agree with you. I always feel when Lee gets a special, I just got up.

I feel the same way. Because I hang out with Lee. I just got up. That means I just got up. My friends wins are my wins. And you have to have that attitude. And if you don't in this town, you'll fucking hear you. When I see a hater, we rot like a piece of fruit for the inside of.

When I see a hater, I giggle. because I know they have no future. They just signaled out their own future themselves. I told him one day, these open micers you hang out with, you go to lunch with them, I don't want you hanging out with them. Because they don't know what they're talking about, and they're hating the same way I hated at that level. Because at that level I hated because you don't have what you want.

So you're frustration. It's hate brought on by frustration. Now, when I go for an audition, the first guy calls Nick Tatura. Nick, you're going out for his pizza guy? No, I didn't. You know, I would call Vinny Curdo. I would call another friend of mine that.

Me and him started together. A mafia role, I'd rather you get it. If I don't get it. You know, I'd rather one of my friends get it. So that helps you as a karma level. Yeah, because, you know what? People are worried so much about getting the fucking job. They can't actually go into the room and be where they can't do it.

Because they're trying to give them something what they think they're looking for. You got to go in and not give them. a fuck about any of that shit all the only thing care about what you do in the audition it doesn't look i'm already going in look if i get the job great if i don't fine i'm gonna what do i lose yeah yeah exactly and i'm doing what i was meant to put on this earth that's exactly the acting is a fucking cherry on the sunday that's right that's a scary it's a cherry on the sunday yeah so i don't give a fuck if i get it or not it doesn't matter

of me i started as a dirty comic that's what i am yeah everything else is background music i know for a fact like and i tell people this i don't want you to be an actor yeah but i'm a stand-up i just want you to have the tools. Yeah. So if they do call you, you don't look like a fucking Johnny Jerko. Yeah, and they will call. And they will call. Eventually, somebody's going to call you one day, you're going to look like Johnny Jerkaw.

Because you didn't do the work. Because you didn't do the work. And then you're going to blame it on them and then be, it's like when I first went to the South to do comedy. They don't like you in the Bible Belt. They didn't like me in the Bible Belt. I'll never come back. That's what a loser says.

Right. A winner says, I'm going to go back there and make them love me. Yeah. I got to slow down my eyes a little. It's like Elvis in Vegas. Right. Let them fall. love with me first I can't go for the finger bang yeah I got to kiss him the neck and tell him I love that

song he wrote that's right I love when you sing Bethlehit you know and then you go for the finger that's it and it's like a fucking finger bang no but it but it's you know and I I gotta tell you I've always feel obligated to like you know guys are coming out they don't get that I always feel obligated to help because you know many people did that for me like people fucking took me inside say you got to do this you got to do this you got to do this you got to this and know all those things and and over the years this cumulative help that people would give you and I feel obligated to fucking pass it along to my friends

the people I think that are worthy, have ability to have talent that, you know, like you said, I'm the last guy to get envious or bitter or job. Meaning? I don't have it in my heart. I don't have it in my heart, man. I root for fucking everybody. I root more for the guy on stage that he is, you know, because it doesn't make it who is. There's somebody that, you know,

they put the work in. They've been doing it 20 fucking years. I mean, I think only another comedian to realize the effort and the tenacity and the fucking grit and the guts it takes to hang in there. Even when you think it's all going wrong and still believing your stuff and still do it and still banging away and then you fucking look back and sometimes

it's ours. I don't stop sometimes just breathe I have to look all the big, wow, look at all the shit you're able to do. Look at all the stuff. Sometimes you're going to stop and give yourself credit. I just saw you in that movie the other night. What's that? I've been thinking about you for a month. Oh, that much? Because I saw you three times in the matter of a couple of weeks. I saw you are no king of queens. Right.

I saw you a mystery. I saw you. I saw you a Mr. and Mrs. Smith, about two weeks ago, and I go, I got a call, Schubert. It was two in the morning. The other type of guy I could call, I don't give a fun. That's right. I call you're at East Coast, guy. If you're sleeping, you're sleeping.

Who gives a fuck? I was thinking about you. That's great. Yeah, I did that freaking American Nightmares on I was on Cinemax. I was announced on demand, but Dan... People have no idea. Danny Trejo's in it.

When Go was being filmed. When Go was being cast. how much heat that movie had already from the script. Yeah. Like when that script came out, everybody was trying to go out for the movie Go. There are certain movies that come out in this town that people know.

And every, I mean, everybody was getting into Go. Yeah. I still remember having a specific conversation with a comic saying that he called the managing office and the manager wanted to sign him and that he gave an ultimatum. I'll sign with you, but you got to get me in for go. That's how big people knew it was going to be.

Scott Wolf, Jay Moore, yeah. The young girl that's cute and fuck. She was dating Doug Lyman at the time. Sarah Polly. Sarah Polly. Katie Holmes. Katie Holmes.

Bill Fickner was in it. The girl from Ali McBeal, the blonde girl was, what's her name? She was on also on 30, rock yeah it had a fucking amazing cast and Taye Diggs was in it you know there was a it's a big cast

you know English guy from fucking Yeah Desmondescu Desmondescue was great I mean you know hung up but Jimmy Duval Jimmy Duval who also wound up being in the movie I did on Cinemax where I ran oh what the fuck are you doing here Jimmy

Duval but he was in it and yeah it was crazy man that that kind of like really gonna really kind of solidified. I didn't realize how big that fucking movie was. It came out and went against the Matrix. It was a cult classic. It made like 19 million over the center. Probably more

now worldwide, but it was a great fucking ensemble cast to be part of. Doug Kleinman, he also put me in fucking Mr. Mr. and Mrs. Smith there for, but I mean, you get these little fucking jobs, these little things. And like you said, dude, well, the guy who played my dad, Screamin Freeman, I used to call him. He played the Dane in fucking Villas Crossing.

That guy was the coolest fuck, like his old fucking Marine, and we were in his fucking trailer, and he says, you smoke pot. Yeah, I smoked. So we started, we smoked a little body. Started giving me acting lessons. Like, you know, when you're filming over your shoulder, you're taking your left eye. You put it against my left eye.

So open yourself up to camera. Give me like five or six great little fucking cheats. And I'm fucking high. And then they, are you guys ready for, oh, shit? And it was just a pickup shot. And it freaked me out. I ran out. I read it fucking five movies just to look at all of my favorite actors is to study them and shit.

And it goes, and ever since then, ever on the movies, that when I went to get high, you go, they called it acting. lessons. You want to get some acting lesson after the fucking marty-vis shot. But these guys, but he kind of took me under his arm and kind of told me about these things and we worked at these scenes. It was so great to have a guy like that doing your first big movie and the guy

is kind of giving you all these little inside cheats on how to be a better fucking actor and stuff. You think as a comedian, you're always kind of playing to the back, you know, but film just registers thoughts, so you want to keep it tight. That was a nothing scene I did, but I never did it again for the rest of the movies. I came in there serious prepared to work and I said, I would

only do it after we get done doing her. It's really weird the people we've, like the guy that gave me acting advice the first time ever. And he didn't give me bad advice. Like, he just fucking tore into me about it. It was James Coburn. James Colbert? How fucking weird is that? How great is that, though?

James Coburn, bro. That's old school shit, though. That's cool as fuck. Like, I didn't say nothing to him. I got there. I shook his hand. Alan Stevens got me the job. You know, James.

Comber and I shook his hand I he doing nice to me trying to say nothing He goes you want to run this once or twice? Yeah let's run it once or twice we did it And he goes look at my fucking hands because he got arthritis and shit and then we just fucking rehearsed the scene Then we were doing it and while we were doing it he said to me that I had natural instincts Like this is when they're moving the cameras around you yeah and just standing there like Johnny jerk off yeah and you're standing three feet from the fucking greatest motherfucker on the planet of all time yeah trying to keep it together you study with bruce leigh yeah study march bruce leigh dude he was one of bruce lee's mortars he carried the casket

i know just you don't even want to bring it up like the first dad is saying look the first dad is ain't he goes are you an acting class i go yeah he goes get the fuck out of it because they're going to ruin your natural instincts wow i go done the next who did you start with jimmy d stepano at first yeah jimmy d stephano remember jimmy i took a couple classes from jimmy d s to The first guy I signed what was a guy that was very good. He just hated comedians because he had a bad taste dice. This guy was over on Gardner and Sunset. And when he found out there was a comic, he worked me hard.

Right. And one night I said, what the fuck is your bronch? He's the New York guy. And he goes, I was one of the first guys to have a work with Andrew Dice Clan. He fucked me over on the movie. he made. Or making the grade or whatever it was? No.

The big one, the Cadillac one, whatever. Oh, Fort Fairland. Yeah, something happened with him and Dice. So he goes, I fucking hate stand-up comic. The class was on Monday nights. So Monday nights was the hottest night in L.A. In those times, you had a Latino night at the laugh actor and the fucking show at the improv, Freaky Mondays.

How am I going to? So I would always have to do my scene and leave. Frank Magna. That was my first acting teacher. I did not book any. with him I did not get what the fuck he was saying yeah then I did a black guy that had HIV he was over on Gower in those little huts yeah in between sunset and the Hollywood Boulevard right some comic took me there but I just thought of his face he's

way long gone he's somewhere married right he took me there to a class on Saturday and I found love with the guy and that guy taught me that that's who I had with when I got the callback with Billy Gardell for the Travolta movie. Right. The one about the fucking, the singer. Right. It was me and Billy Gardell there that morning.

I was all coaked up. Oh, wow. Me and Billy are sitting there. And it's a director from Drugstore Cowboy and Travolta were in the room. And me and Billy had a read. It was either going to be me and Billy. Wow.

And then they said, fuck it. We'll make them both stand-up comics. So me and Billy were up for the same fucking role. And next thing you know, Gatlin goes, you got this. Go to Miami. When I was in Miami, I got a call. Trouva decided to do the Scientology movie instead. Oh, wow.

So the kiss of Billy Gardell even bit me in the ass at that time because Billy was kicking ass at that time. Yeah. Billy had just booked four episodes of that law show. Oh, yeah. He had his own show on NBC. He got paired up. Yeah, no.

He was a black dude that wasn't any good. Billy Gardell was booking, but everything he booked was wrong for him. Like, it was just like a stretch of Billy just was having a hard time. He was booking, but then he booked four episodes. Law and Order, yeah, with you. No, the show on ABC on Sunday nights. That was huge. The guy built the studio down in Orange County.

You had to go down in the Huntington Beach to audition down the block from Boston Market. They only shot four shows down there. He had so many, he was married to Michelle Pfeiffer or somebody. Oh, David. Yes, he had so many shows going on at the time. Yeah, yeah. He just told ABC, I'm not leaving on Inton Beach. Yeah.

Build the studio down here. They were all four shows. So they would shoot all four of his shows down there. Wow, what's his last name? David Lee, maybe. David, something. Yeah, but you're right. He was right in Allie McBeal.

Right, right, right. He had four fucking shows at once, dog. He was rocking it. Yeah. And he shot his show out of there. And I'll never forget that that was the same week that I was going in for Spine. I went all week. I would go down there and I'd see Billy Garland.

Don't go, God, fucking damn it. But they were looking for three different mobsters, four different mobsters. So we all had a shot. Right. And they were telling me to get to the nice quarterback, fucking Billy Cardo.

But it's good, though. It's good competition. No, but it wasn't a competition. I'm like, fuck, the kiss his death is here. Because at the time, Billy was the kiss of death, everything he fucking was in would get canceled. Oh. It was always a bad role.

Billy shot before Billy got that show on CBS. Dude, he was in Lucky. Really? We're lucky. He was in that show. The other, the John, the Anthony Clark and the Anthony Clark show. We did like, fucking probably like 13 episodes of that show with Anthony Clark and Mike, Michael, Michael, Michael Malley. Michael Malley.

They were in that show before King of Queens on CBS. Yeah, he had, Billy had a, Billy's had a great fucking career actor, Mike and Molly. He's done. He was in the, you know, he's the manager and the Jersey boys. I mean, he's, you know, Billy's worked a lot. Billy gets it, you know. Great. kid too it happened to a better fucking guy yeah no question about he was struggling for a long

well everybody is until you get those first couple breaks instead dude i was doing lohoya listen this bro i'm doing fucking lohoya i'm gonna call saturday at 5 p.m. can you do this fucking from our boy rick bronson who runs the fucking clubs you go i got to go shoot me i got this director he needs somebody he's in a he's in fucking Idaho Idaho fall did you shoot that dude yes you were supposed to get it you couldn't do it couldn't do it so they West Palm Beach on Sunday. They call you Friday. How great's this?

So he calls me Saturday and says, can you be on plane on fucking Sunday? I flew up Sunday. They fucking got the hotel, the plane ticket, everything's right. I fucking all day, shooting with Hopper Penn, Sean Pund's son, in this fucking movie. It's already had five or six offers on it

called Puppy fucking love. The director, Michael Maxis is a great fucking guy. We shoot all this fucking stuff. And that scene, frames the movie. It's in the beginning movie. It's all throughout the movie. It's all these little stories. It's probably going to premiere at South by Southwest. But that was a role that you were supposed to fucking do. They wanted you. He called me Friday. He called you and he called me Saturday. I would have to thank Joey Diaz for not being able to do it. I was in West Palm Beach. They

called me Friday. They made an offer Friday. I thought about it. I go, so when do you need me? They go Monday. I had 20 things on Monday. Yeah. I was just about to sell that show to Fox. Like I'm right there. Like I had those meetings with writers. And I had something that Monday. Because when they first called me, they said, we could shoot it Monday or Tuesday the latest.

There was something going on still. And I go, Monday's going to be hard. But Tuesday. So I would have had a flown from West Palm and L.A. Change shit. That's 11 pages of dialogue, too. It was a fucking, it was like a monster where they were, I was like, oh shit.

I mean, that whole night I got there of Saturday, I flew in Saturday, Sunday night, and I was just fucking working on his lines, the whole thing. And he was great about it. And he goes, you know, he goes, I needed somebody that ain't going to a scene. So, I mean, it wasn't his first choice, but it didn't make a difference.

I got the role. I meant to thank you for that too. Because I go, you know, it's, it's, uh, shit, man. You know, it's, the movie's already a kick-ass fucking movie. These scenes were just reshoots for him. So he could get the, because he wants to fucking premiere it

and he's been editing it for a year and a half with Sean Penn and fucking Michael Matt's in Rosanna Rackett fucking Wayne Newton there's a bunch of

fucking cool fucking soundtrack things in it it's a killer it's like Forrest Gump except the other direction where the life guy

Where Fores Gump has an amazing spectacular life This guy's life is filled with freaking you know hookers and crack pipes and fucking all this shit in another direction

It's and puppy love is such a just like such a fucking Like it doesn't But I'm telling you The guy is a fucking great movie director. It was great to work with a Michael Maxis. And I think this movie's going to be a big fucking deal.

It reminds me of go. It's the same kind of vibe as like go, but this guy. Yeah, it was a plane to Utah. Another flight to Idaho Springs where I got a warrant. Yeah. And then I had to drive for an hour. Oh, yeah. I'm like, I don't know.

I don't know. I got a bad back as it is. Plus the six hours from West Palm up. Yeah. That would have been a whole day. flying. Yeah, dude. I... You know what, dude, it is. And I had the thing on Monday, but I'm happy you got it. Yeah, I'm happy.

I'm happy. I'm just what we're talking about. That's what we're just talking about. I know. That's what I'm saying. I was just, a dude, it was fucking karma because it was like one of those things because you know, I came at a right time from me and I just, yeah, just fuck yeah, you can, what I got to lose? Yeah, I could do. They let me out of the show on a Sunday night at the, at the Loyah, which they never used to do a Sunday night show down there before, but now, I guess

they're cooking with gas. So they do Thursday, it's the Friday, Saturday, Sunday show so they let me out of it went to fucking Idaho Falls got the fucking part worked on all day then hung out with fucking Sean Penn's kid hopper pen we hung out went out for drinks afterwards and then jumped on a fucking plane flew to Philadelphia where I did the park's casino to the Wednesday nights I literally had that gap Sunday so how great is the park's casino it's great it's right there bed cell I do that that's seven minutes for my mom and dad's house that box is a neighbor I grew up and there yeah yeah dude I love it that is That was tremendous.

Yeah. That was, I'm going back next year. Yeah, it's a great concern. I'm going back. They all made an offer and I said, absolutely. Yeah.

Like, I loved it. I loved everything about that. Yeah. The drive there, everything was sensational. Because you land, you got to drive. The guy took me,

some cheese shake place, and I didn't even know. Yeah. You get there. What was it? Steve, Prince of Steaks up there in front of me? Yeah, yeah,

dude, you got to take a hot shower. That's one of the best cheese steaks ever. It's right around the corner from parks and it's like this real gooy, but they used. the real like cuts like like thin cuts of like prime rivets like delicious like one of the best best steaks i've ever had it's steve prince of steaks which is about five minutes from where i

join is park casino tremendous no i thought i thought i thought park casino that was where i fucking just got off the stage and went into the audience they were that crazy yeah like i didn't even go on the green room good big fans of joey yeah my nephews listen to your they're crazy they're crazy everybody philadelphia's crazy that's why i love it that's why i belong there like whenever i go there I go say some crazy shit. I watch Eleanor on stage talking about getting fingers on the Morty's Pier.

I almost pute. He would laugh at Zoh. Yeah, what's Morty's Pier? Oh, it's down to New Jersey. Everybody goes down to shore. It's like one of those things is like, you know, it's like, everybody goes down to shore. Everybody went down to Wyoming, New Jersey

for the summertime. You come down there, you know, my grandmother would pawn her jewelry sure she could get enough money so we'd go down to fucking shore for two weeks as kids, and we would go down there and spend time in like, you know, Longport or fucking... So where's more than his peer?

Morton's pier is down Wildwood? Yeah, it's like, you know, down Wildwoods. You know, all those fucking, you know, all those freaking wildwood days. That's like part of Philadelphia culture, the mummers, Scrapple, all that Philadelphia shit, soft pretzels. Fucking Wildwoods, every bit of part of that. Go, just get down on the ballwalk and play a play a, play a shootie shoots for a quarter. I got to say, fucking case of shave, but I'm drinking shame for beer. You know, when you were a kid growing up and the boardwalk and all that shit comes flooding back

and she got fingerbagged underneath Morty's Pier for a fucking wild day. She said that I lost my shit. I didn't know a Morty's peel. How funny is fucking Eleanor Kerrigan, dude? She's fucking rocked. Well, this is that story. I love it, dude. I love that she, you know, I mean, she's fucking really tremendously, uh, fucking talented.

Watch her go from the waitress of the comedy store and fucking doing the WWE and the stuff and they actually go open for dice and how strong she's become as a, As a comedian, no, it was like a fucking sister to me, man. I fucking love her death. She's a sweetheart. She's got a cardic heart. I'm happy with all that's exciting. Yeah, me too.

I mean, but I mean, I just love watching someone like her gets so fucking good and so funny. And dude, she's fucking my. I had a follower one time you're working with me in La Jolla. She's, I mean, dude, I love it. I love it, dude. You believe 30 years you're doing this? I know. That's a fucking.

30 what? Five? 30, no, 30 fucking years. 30 years. I mean, make a living, like, professional. I mean, it could have gone either way. I could have gone. I would have dubs up my ass and out of my sleeves.

I could have gone to the magic, but I went into fucking comedy. And like you, I feel this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. I mean, I love making a room full of people fucking laugh, but there's 1,000 people or 200 people or 14 fucking people. I don't give a shit. I love it. I love being able to create comedy. I love being able to take control of room and just make people laugh

so that they fucking piss themselves. I mean, there's nothing better than that. I mean, you know, when people come up, when people come up to you and go, they grab me by the arm and say, I haven't fucking laughed like that. in so long I fucking needed that I mean you know I don't ever take that for granted I just to be able to do that is a fucking gift and to be able to touch people and move people with your fucking jokes and something you created and write comedy and you don't know there's somebody in the audience thinking about killing himself maybe they lost their favorite aunt maybe something's going on in life

and they come in there sitting in front of you for 45 minutes you get to make them laugh and before you know it they forget about all that shit and they walk out and they're going god damn it that's real power and it's healing and it's fucking everything i fucking love and i just dude it just feeds my soul and i believe i'm exactly what i'm supposed to be doing making people laugh jimmy schuber i feel in my heart you all the 10 top comics working today oh dude that's fucking awful nice you to say that bro i'm confidence in my heart i can tell you that because i know what you've been through you know i watch these guys i think this is a fly-by-night business nobody pisses me off more on these fly-by-night comics they get the comedy for all the wrong reasons yeah you know you're a guy that

this is 30 years you know take every year how it comes and I get better and better with yeah yeah yeah no imagine doing imagine doing this for 30 fucking years you're gonna get good at it then eventually you do this same move for 30 years hammering nails good you're gonna get really good at it I think the same year do watching fucking you and I remember I remember all the fucking old nights at the fucking original room and the fucking you know And watching you go up there and fucking annihilate, bro. You are the most authentic fucking voice in front country. I watch you do the fucking just fucking slaughtering.

You're fucking hilarious. You're authentic. You are true to who you are and you're doing it. It's the same thing, man. It's like fucking you watch guys who put the time in and pay the dues. And you just go, man, it's fucking amazing. You know, what's the one about getting booed? I got booed at a Buffalo hockey game.

I didn't save the game. Of all the fucking places to get booed at hockey. You know, it's those things that you remember forever. Mad TV was a great experience for me. Do I remember like a bad Jahana? No, I did two episodes. But I tell you what, I wear that bombing in Buffalo, like a bad of Giovanna because it made me who I am today.

Yeah. Those bombings, those beatings, they either take you out of the game or you come back with a rose beef sandwich with horseradish and suck my dick and call me shortly. They're going to take me a ass on people. by 10,000 people for my fucking mom and dad in my hometown

it was like fucking lifting the kettle off the fucking Charlottlin Temple and now you can leave because there's nothing you're ever going to do to me in a fucking

comedy room or a comedy place or anything that fucking that was as bad as fucking that getting booed your fucking hometown or friends like you can't do anything to me in a fucking comedy club

that's going to hurt me like that you can't I'm not fucking nothing I got fucking six brothers my old man was a homicide detective I got one feeling and I fucking dare you to hurt You know what I mean?

When you go through, you wear those things with a badge of honor. It's like I can't, you can't do anything to me. It's like it's great. You got to get those, those, it's like you said, all those, all those worst nights. And they're the things that build up your, you know what I mean? Like you said, you wear those with a bad. I mean, all the winds are great too, but still, you know. Those bombings are great.

The special you come out, you shot at flappers. Yeah. Did you shoot about last year? Yeah, I shot at about a year and a half ago. And, you know, we had to, like, do all the posts for it, doing the color correction. I financed the whole thing myself. I did the whole fucking thing, top to bottom myself.

I got the guys to shoot it. We went in there. We hung curtains, hung lights. I just wanted to go in there. And we shot it in 4K. It's called Zero Tolerance. And it's a fucking straight up fucking hour or fucking stand-up comedy.

We could come up with a cool little opening for it. I really like the opening. Yeah, because the opening is just a fucking, like, you know, it's like in this day and age. Like, the things people get fucking upset about now. It's like you're overreacted to all this. shit that's why that kind of like diffuses the bomb you know you're yeah it was being censored by social media and and oversensitized as being expurgated by the

political collect correctness police it was like that that opening is just like yeah fuck it it's comedy man I mean Jesus dude I was watching Rodney Dangerfield like an old YouTube thing I went down or you brought a dangerfield rabbit hole and I go man if this motherfucker was alive that they we do he's fat-shaming people I mean you couldn't be could you couldn't even fucking be Rodney Dangerfield today I mean Dude, I fucking, it's just funny. Like some of the stuff you see, like, do you think Kinnison could get away

with the stuff he was doing back then? I mean, it still holds up. But, I mean, just with the climate and how sensitive people will become, it's fucking ridiculous. I'm 56 years old, February 19th. Right. If you think I give a fuck about your feelings anymore,

yeah. You got another thing coming. I'm going to talk to you what's in my heart. Yeah. It's so fucking weird that I don't give a fuck. Yeah, I'm with you. I don't. And I ain't apologize for fucking anything you too.

It's like, fuck you. It's like, you know. The thing that we love the most is going to kill us. And that's social media. You know, I use social media for something completely different. Yeah. I don't involve my political thoughts. I don't involve my views or my opinions.

I involve what I'm thinking. Yeah. And I want you to think what I'm thinking today. If you want to make it do today, you better fucking go drink some cough medicine. Take a Viking and grab your fucking ball salute the flag and go be a fucking American and go hustle Yeah, but you're gonna sit there on your ass and bitch. I don't want you around me Yeah, really don't. There's a formula and it works dude. I'm fucking with it work It works. Yeah, it works. It's called washing your pussy and getting out of the fucking house and doing what you

fucking love until you figure out how to make a buck doing it. Yeah, and if you don't want to do that then lay on that couch and you could cry to anybody the fuck else That's what I put on there in the mornings. I tell you my dates and I get the fucking out of that. I don't need to take a picture of a celebrity. I don't need to show you my fucking diet. I show you what I'm smoking because I want you to know what the recipe is. You know what I'm saying? I'll show you what I'm smoking.

Fucking Joey Diaz, letcoach. Now you get these people that go to a comedy show. Listen, social media has just become when I go on social media on a Saturday just to look at the climate and I see those same people tweet and I feel bad for them. Yeah. I

I feel bad for those people that tweet and post on Friday. I want you to get off social media from Friday to Sunday. Yeah, go enjoy your life. Go live your life. Go live your life. Go have so much beer stuff. Yeah. New Year's, I told them right out.

I go, if I was 30 years old, I'd give this pinky up right now, the Japanese. For New Year's, I give this pinky up if I could go on New Year's Eve to a bar. Be comfortable, do two bumps, and have three beers and maybe take a Xanax and go home. I would have done that. I told him, elite, do something. You cannot stay home. He went and he made a call, and some shit came over with some little victim. Nice.

I lit his balls and the rest is history. You know what I'm saying? Whether he liked it or not, but you have to live your life. Yeah. I mean, you cannot be stuck all day. Well, people do this, they fucking hashtag. They act like they're brave. He was so brave to hashtag it.

I go, fucking go, go out and fucking, you know what I did on Christmas, dude? It's the first time I've done this. I went down to the laugh factory and I fed those fucking homeless people all fucking afternoon because I didn't have nothing to do I wouldn't go home to my fish I don't have kids

going through a fucking breakup and fuck it and I went to go fucking I went down there and- Are you in the Philly Chicken done? Yeah we're done Jesus but anyway we're out there

just feeding homeless people and just uh you know I mean I felt so fucking good doing that What did you get out of it? I just just that I'm fucking... I'm not questioning you in a bad way I felt about my fucking wife

I felt how fucking blessed I was I fucking I went home and I fucking thank God for all my fucking plus. I got on stage. I got on stage. I told some jokes. We filled their bellies and then we filled their souls with entertainment. And I got to tell you, James out of that guy. He does it on Thanksgiving.

He does on Christmas. It's tremendous, tremendous fucking act of kindness. It was a, I felt fucking great just to be a part of it just to get out of the house. Fucking Tiffany Haddish was there feeding people. And then you go, these people don't have to do it. There's fucking Tom Dreason. Everybody's down there feeding people, making sure they had enough to eat. And then they went up on stage and gave him a show.

And I thought, well, when they treat these people like, fucking human beings. I know this is fucking fantastic. I mean if Christmas ain't in your heart, he ain't going to find it underneath the fucking Christmas tree. So it was a really, a really cool thing to do. I'll do it every year now on Thanksgiving Christmas. I thought it was tremendous. And so, but yeah, but you get outside your own fucking shit, you know, and that's social media derives everybody. They all think they're all caught up in their own bullshit. I mean, go fucking, go down to the hospital and fucking read the fucking sick kids. We ain't never getting the fuck out of that hospital or go feed some fucking homeless people. Go go to the old. I mean,

go do some real shit. I always say that. Get outside. of your fucking self if you're depressed you get outside of yourself you see how fucking lucky you got it you know you know but it's just uh i i mean i i'll be doing that again too on thanksgiving crazy what happened to me dude he ran over a thousand people through there thousand people fucking all the hungry people just like having that a good meal no a good meal but just fucking then you know we treat some like human beings in there they were hey merry christmas merry christmas giving a plate of food here you watch a show was just for the kids coming in with toys they had toys they could unwrap it was fucking a man

And he doesn't have to do that. He'd been doing it for 39 years. I thought I was just a, it just kind of fucking moved me, man. You know, I just thought it was something special. I was glad he was crazy. He had a couple of bums. What's that? A couple 20s on Christmas Day.

It was funny because Lee and I and Eric Rocher went up to Oxnard last weekend. Oh, yeah. We would always have to stop at the 101 by Tunga and Magnolia, Riverside. There's homeless people living under there. And I would beep the horn And there was no, there weren't in there. They just weren't in there. No, there was their shit was there, but they weren't there.

I'm like, Lee, open the window. I would open Lee's window. And go, hey, and Lee, we'd go, lock the window. We're going to get killed here, whatever. And you make the right-hand turn and you hit the 101. Right. Christmas Day, I got up and I was sitting there. And I'm like, what the fuck is going out in my life?

I got to take a ride anyway. And I got in the car, and at that light, I finally saw the three homeless dudes. It's a black chick with a backpack and two white dudes. And they were dressing up like teddy bears. They were trying to hustle teddy bears. So I just beeped the horn and gave me each a fucking 20 on Christmas day. And the black chick looked at me like, take your dick out.

Like, I'll suck it for 20. I've been hustling for quarters and you just came. They had a Starbucks. They were happy. That's it. Yeah. That's the best I can fucking do on Christmas. You know, I mean, you got to do something.

You got to help something. on Christmas. I think so. It's that time of year, you know, I think, you know, and you just sometimes people like if you reflect on your life and you look back, you go, God, I'm incredibly fucking blessed. Oh my God. I mean, you know, am I where I want to be? No, am I going to keep working to where I want to be. Yeah, everybody wants to fuck to be. Yeah, somewhere else. But you know, be thankful for where you are. You're still alive. Like my man's, like my old man says, you know, you get up every morning. He goes, I'm a fucking habit. I'm just be awake on the fucking right side of the grass. You know, my old man is 85, you know, I'm still lucky enough to

still have them so I don't take any of that for granted either I mean you know you get to do something you love to do you still got a I got a great family I mean you know fucking knock wood man God but you know what is this special come on Schubert the special is going to be dropping on January 15th people go to jimmy shubert dot com and it's s hube B-U-R-T like the theater jimmy suber dot com it's going to be on vimeo in demand but you could just go to my website it'll take you on the vimeo and plus it'll be on vimeo but I'll be tweeting about if people want to check out my uh social media everything's that jimmy shubert at twitter and Instagram and everything else, there'll be a big announcement coming.

So if they follow me on social media or they want to check back January 15th, which is a Tuesday, I'll be dropping my brand new hour special on Vimeo on demand. So they can rent it, they can buy it, they can do whatever they want with it. But I'm really excited about this hour. I work my ass off on it. And so it's finally coming out, and I'm just going right to the people. I tell people all the time, you, Tom Rhodes, all you guys, you guys are the backbones of comedy. I watch you guys and I always learn something like,

and one the flip side of the coin but the coin flips at any time yeah I'm saying so I wish you all the luck in the world and I thank you very much for helping me out when I got here did my pleasure meant the world to me and now I can do the same for Lee and other guys I mean I do you understand that you have to pass it a long part of this is not about talent yeah it's about passing out love to somebody you know who's having a hard time yeah for the Bobby Lee tells the story or the back back edge of the comedy story said he had it eating and three fucking days. I go, what the fuck are you waiting for? Come on. I fucking took him down

a car. And he said, fucking shoved the hot dog down his throat. I said, get something to fucking go to you. I've been that guy. I had to sleep on the fucking roof of the comedy store. The fucking sleep in my car. I had to crash at Crestle. I wasn't allowed up there. He was trying to fucking hustle, make a living and hang out until things got better. I totally get it, man. It was my pleasure. And that's

my fucking pleasure to see you have this fucking huge success that you're having now. I fucking love you, Joe Dears. Happy New Year. Thank you for having me on, man. Thank you. Good luck to you, too. Don't forget. January 12th, I'm at the fucking ice house, just working out. All the notes have been doing the last two weeks are all coming out on the 12th. Come on by and say hello.

Then at the end of the month, the 20-something, I don't know what fucking date is. The 24th, I'm in Bray Improv the whole weekend. It's the last weekend of January. Come on out and say hello. I want to thank Jimmy Schubert for fucking rocking it. And if Netflix ever does the five good guys of comedy, I hope you're on it, because you're a really fucking good guy. Oh, thank you, brother.

I want to thank number one, Audit. Listen, it's January fucking 3rd. You wanted to change your life. It all starts from within writing, gold, walking, whatever little things you want to do. But at the same time, you could fucking go over to audit.com and get the party started with you. Some alpha brain or some shroom tech, their fucking golden seal is the alpha brain. You want to focus a little bit more fucking energy. Alpha brain is the way to go.

Listen, it's their fucking bread and butter. If you don't like it, they'll give you a refund and your money back without the fucking product. Only Onit stands behind their fucking flagship product like that. So do me a favor. If they have that much belief, how much belief should you have? Go to honor.com right now and press in church and get 10% off your order. I could only help you with supplements. I cannot help you with kettlebells or fucking bats or anything like that.

But you know what? Get them too. Who gives this shit? Number two, you want to start the year off healthy? you want to start the year off smelling clean and nothing says I love you like a clean fucking asshole. You understand me?

I bend you over. I open up those cheeks. I smell fumes of debt. What do you expect? Nobody's going to lick your asshole. Everybody wants to lick your asshole but nobody wants to wash it. That's why you got to go to hello tushy.com

because they got portable badees that you install in seven minutes and now from till the end of fucking time. Let me tell you something. When you die, the coroner is going to look at your ass and go, Let me tell you something. This guy's asshole was in good shape.

Why? Because you got hellotushy.com. Go to hellotushy.com right now and press in. Muffler. Muffler. And keep your muffler clean. They got a 60-day money-back guarantee, but you're not going to need it.

Because if it's held my fat, stinky ass for three years, think what it could do for your fucking regular fucking ass. Lee, have you broken your hello tushy? No, it's still there. And if he can pump that hummus fly swatting off his neck ass, he'll take anything. You understand me? I can't even imagine what least shit smells like.

They're going to put that on the box. The fucking hose taps out and shit. Now, everything's intact. Go to hellotushy.com and press in. Muffler. And get a portable bidet installed in your fucking house by you seven minutes. Because remember, hell starts in your asshole. All right?

And then you slip back a little bit and you wash the bat side of your nut sack. So you don't develop any algae or barnacles. I found a barnacle in my nut sack. about four years ago. Ever since I've been with Hello Tushy. No more fucking barnacles. I had to go to a fucking shipwelders yard to weld a barnacle off my nutsack.

Go to HelloTushy.com and press in. Muffler. Bam! And get that asshole fresh by Valentine's Day. You understand me? I want to thank Jimmy Tushu Shubert. Go to jimmyshubut.com for a special. I want to thank the Christkiller.

I want to thank you guys for being loyal soldiers and for always loving me as much as I love you. Kick this fucking. Mule Lee see you guys Monday morning ready to rock the 7th of January when this shit really gets cooking Do your thing Lee to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart As I A somebody who will swear to

to be true as you used to do with me. To learn that misery loves company, wait and see, I want to be around and see how he does it when he breaks your heart two bits. Let's see if a puzzle fits. So fine. That's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet. As I sit there applauding,

when somebody breaks your heart like you.