The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #648 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: January 10, 2019

Bert Kreischer, comedian seen on Netflix and host of the "Bertcast" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Bert's new tour the "Body Shots" world tour is going all over the world in 2019. Get tickets at BertBertBert.com This podcast is brought to you by: 23andme.com - 23andMe is a DNA testing service that can offer you insights on to how your DNA can influence your weight, sleep quality and much more. Order your 23andMe health and ancestry kit at 23andMe.com/church.   My Bookie - Join now and MYBookie will match your deposit with up to a 50% bonus of your first deposit up to $1,000. www.mybookie.ag. Use Promo code CHURCH to activate the offer. Robinhood App - an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETF's, options and cryptos - all commission free. Go to church.robinhood.com to get a free stock like Apple, Ford or Sprint. Recorded live on 01/09/2019.

Greetings from Podcastville. It's Thursday, January 10th. The Church of What's Happened Now is brought to you by Robin Hood. Robin Hood is an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFs, options, and cryptos, all commission-free. They strive to make financial services work for everybody, not just the wealthy. Learn how to invest as you build your portfolio. Uncle Joey's going to hook you up with this. Okay. Robin Hood is giving the church family a free stock like Apple for the Sprint to help build your portfolio. Sign up at church robin hood.com. That's church.com. The church is also brought to you by MyBooky. Listen, NFL playoffs are here. Basketball's here. It's time to get it on the action with MyBooky. Don't be that guy that's got no rooting interest as your relatives and friends sit around watching the game.

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the Christkiller, and your uncle Joey. The 11th of fucking me. In 2019, and you still haven't gotten your shit together. The resolutions are done. You ate the potato chips. But who gives a fuck?

That was yesterday, and today is today. The Church of what's happening now, Burke Chrysha, the Christ killer, and your uncle Joey D. is coming at you. A little deaf leopard 84 coming out the box to be right here. Too late for love, cock suckers. You get me. Of the dreams.

Too late for love. It's never late for love. Especially on that Thursday afternoon, you know what I'm saying? As Harvey Weinstein. The machine in the motherfucking house. Happy New Year, Joey. How are you? I feel fucking phenomenal.

You got the demasio gene is still on. Mickey Mantle? Mickey Mantle. Whatever. Some guy that's dead. I want his gene. That's good. I got the Mickey Metal jeans flexing right now.

Yeah, right. Good. Yeah, I'm fucking, dude, I go for, I start my tour tomorrow. Oh, my God. I've never been more excited. I couldn't sleep last night. I was excited to be on tour. And you know how it is.

What it is is we travel so much just to a stand-up. And you'd watch people, you know, like usually in the all community would be like, this is my tour. And you're like, it's just the road. That's what we do. It never ends. But this fucking tour, it has like a finite time out there. And I'm like, oh, hell yeah.

I'm just going to go hard as fuck for four months and just go. And this is everything you work for in this business. To do a big theater tour, do it in hit New Zealand, Australia, Europe. dude all it I can't fucking wait you take on the family you're laying's flying out tomorrow because i got a tour bus so lian's coming out and we're she's stocking the tour bus making sure it's got everything that i need like she's going to buy blender by like uh sheets and blankets and stuff chargers lock it down and then i'm on the tour bus all weekend this weekend Portland Seattle Calgary Vancouver and then come back for two days and then I'm gone for the rest of the month

so you fly to Seattle I fly to Portland I fly to Portland with the aunt tomorrow morning. Okay. And then they take the bus. Yeah, two shows, two shows every night. Are you excited? Dude,

I'm really excited. I've always wanted to have a tour bus. I've always wanted to be this. And I looked at it this way. You know how you've always taken good people with you on the road? And so you've always kind of had a family, like a community and going with Joe. I never did that. I always let the,

I always tried to foster the communities of comedy that I went to. So I was like, if I'm going to Omaha, I'm like, bring in a good local feature because he's going to let him get the work. You know, that's, you got to give back to the communities. I do that too. I do that. You do that too.

There's certain markets. I bring somebody. Yeah. And there's certain markets. I know that there's a good crop of feature acts. Yeah. And so sometimes it's great. And then sometimes it sucks.

And then the weekend's long and you're doing, you're adding shows and you don't know the guy and you're not hanging out. And maybe he's got his shoes. So this year I'm taking, I'm taking guys with me. We're all staying on the tour bus together. And I looked at it as just a party. Who you're taking week? Jesus Trejo. Oh, fucking murder.

Murderer, bro. Murderer. Shane Torres. Okay. Dave Williamson and Dusty, God damn it. I always fuck up Dusty's name. I think it's Dusty Slade. I don't think it's Dusty Slade.

And you're switching them up. Yeah, switching them up. So it's like one week on, one week off for them. And they'll fly in on Thursdays and leave on Mondays. And then I'll probably, on a couple of them, I'm staying on the bus. Because we've added a Monday show and then no Tuesday show, but we're doing a Wednesday show. So I'm just going to stay on the bus and drive to the next city. and it's great dude

I got the girls are gonna fly out and do a weekend with me and stay on the tour bus they're bringing two friends because I got six blunks so I'll have four little girls hanging out on the tour bus and they're gonna love it

they're gonna fly in Friday night grab them Friday night they'll come go hang on the tour bus we'll drive Saturday go do something fun during the day they'll hang out that night Saturday night and come home Sunday

now you're taking your family of Europe with you girls are coming to Europe but all the girls coming to Europe and Australia with me yeah but we're gonna go go so I'm like the European tour I'm going to have them fly out to London or Paris

maybe Paris I've already been to London sure Paris is such a safe place that's what I want my daughter I want to have in Paris because you're always thinking you know what I'm saying? We're going to hang out for like a week and then I'm going to start the tour and they're going to come to like

the first venue but in and same with Australia Australia I think I go to like I do Sydney and then I know I do New Zealand and then I have like four days off. And so they're going to meet me in Sydney and we're going to do some stuff in Australia. I can't wait.

Do you document any of this? Have you considered it? I thought about it, but I didn't want to turn it into, I wanted to enjoy the moments. I'm going to be on Instagram a ton. You know that. And so like I'm fucking all over Instagram.

So I'll put it on Instagram. I'll probably shoot my own stuff. You know, like shoot it, edit it, put it on, put it on YouTube. And then I'm going to do it. I'm going to set up a podcast on the bus. So I'm going to do some podcast.

with people like Diamond Dallas Page. We're doing a podcast in Atlanta. So it's going to be work too, but, dude, I can't fucking wait. The only thing that would make this better, and you know, we've always talked about this is like me, you, Tom, R.E., Joe, all us doing a tour like that together, that would be the fucking, that would be the dream, you know, but until that time, until the time when that happens, that this is what I'm doing. How much easier do you think it's going to be for you to not have to fly to go to the

airports just to be on the bus. Can I tell you my favorite part? That's amazing. That is, when I did, when I did Australia last year, I was burnt, Joey, to the point where I was like, I was fried. Because you know me, I drink if I fly. So I have a couple drinks before we took off, have a drink in the air, land, try to get some rest, go to the theater, do the show. And that was every single fucking day. And that's what this tour would have been like.

Two shows in Portland, I get done at 1.30, right? with my meet and greet, I go, I get back to the hotel room at three. I'm still popping because of the show. Got a flight at 6 in the morning. I would have died. Leanne pulled the plug. When they started adding shows, Leanne goes, fuck this. Someone quote out of tour bus.

He's going to die if we put him on the road like that. And so I can't wait that. Here's the best part, right? So I'm bringing in two suitcase full clothes, right? And I'm leaving them there. I'm leaving them all on the bus. So then when I fly in to fly out, I just like, when I fly out of Vancouver, I just show up a pair of sweatpants.

Remember we switched over to sweatpants. Show up with a pair of sweatpants. Some headsets, my phone, a jacket, my wallet. I'm done. No suitcase, no fucking nothing. Just walking into the airport with it on your phone. Just, like walk right through. Fly home.

Go straight home. You got all your clothes at home, all your clothes on the tour bus. Dude, it, you know, I watched Ralphie do that tour bus, and it made no sense to me. Because I was like, I was like, other than he was fat. And but now I look at it and I go, oh, that's a nice feeling to know that you. You got a home on the road and then a home at home. I can't wait, man. It's so funny, Bert Howe.

When I got here in 97, I stuck around for a while. And then I ate a bag of dicks and I decided that I needed some more roadwork that I really needed to go and home my craft. And I would leave for 10 months. Yeah. Like 10 months on time. I would leave in November and come back in April. I would ship my clothes to. Josh Wolfe's house

wherever I would go to a city I had a good Kmart I would buy new clothes and ship to clothes Yeah you know I had the walk the Walkman with the CD player And I learned how to live on And I did it This is when I did plane

And And plane And trains Yeah, plane and buses I'm sorry I only did one train from Miami To Myrtle Beach But everything else was done on a bus

I loved it Yeah Like I said, the unknown, for me it was really unknown that because there was no dates. There was no, there was no internet the way it was. No, no, no. I would start with like January 10th and El Paso and then I'd have a week off and then I'd have a week in Toronto and then I have a week in Miami and then I have three weeks off. When I started, it was like that. But as I went along, every week I picked something up.

Yoder had a fallout, Milwaukee improv. Do you remember the old Green Bay improv? No. They used to be a Green Bay improv. For real? Yeah. Who goes to it? You know, in the summertime, they're not going to go watch you.

Yeah. In the wintertime, they're eating cheese watching the fucking Packers. Talking about the Packers all week. I think about it. What was the last time you went to Green Bay? Did that all? Go ahead. I remember.

Go ahead. I'll wait for listen. No. They don't want to know about comedy. They just want to tackle people. They tackle you at the airport in Green Bay. Nobody goes to Green Bay. Have you ever thought about that?

No, when was the last time? You talked to anybody who said, I did this theater in Green Bay, and it was fantastic. I'm doing Green Bay on this tour? Are you really? Yeah, just the first time. Yeah.

I love it. I've never been to Green Bay in my life. I loved it. I took a fallout in October. Yeah. And they actually had the balls to do a Sunday show. And they won that week.

Plus, my buddy played for Green Bay. at the time. Yeah. So I could talk shit. I went to, we played, his name was Frankie Winters, and we played CYO basketball together. So I did okay. Yeah. It's the people that, you go to Green Bay on a Sunday game, Saturday night before they have a game, they're animals. Yeah. Back then when Brett Farr was throwing touchdowns, you couldn't, you know, there's just some cities that comedy just, you know what? Yeah, we like the ha-ha and he-he, yeah, but we're here to tackle motherfuckers. Like we don't, we just think about football. I thought Hawaii was going to be

like that. Have you ever done the Blue No, but everybody says it is phenomenal. Everybody's shooting specials in Hawaii. Yeah. They're fucking going on. Joe Koy just shot a special Hawaii. Yeah, Joe Koy. Gabriel's there this week. I thought it going down to Hawaii, I was like, they were like book me

in Honolulu at the Blue No. Are you doing Montana on this to? No. Again, nobody goes to Billings. Yeah. Billings just sit there waiting like a virgin. Like right now, if I had my last handful of money, I'd open up a comedy club and billions because I know I know I would get my investment back

that quick. That quick. It's overwhelming. It's like what this guy's doing in Utah. What's he doing in Utah? He's got three comedy clubs. He'd stubbs who I love who's... The club, wise guys, is becoming one of the best clubs in the country. In the country. Utah. Salt Lake, Mormons, don't go there.

They got nine wives. What are you fucking kidding me? Everybody wants to laugh. Yeah. So pretty soon, Watch somebody's going to pop Billings, Bozeman, one of those towns in Montana. Didn't you tell me about Spokane? Dude, Spokane's fucking awesome. There you go. The Tri-Cities.

Those are the Tri-Cities. Yeah. And something else. What's the Tacoma? Tacoma. Tacoma's on the other side. I've been, I've done Tacoma, too. I like that.

When you do this years ago, there was a lady called Donna Richards, and she booked out of Portland, and she booked the volcano. room. And it was in a hotel and it was in some part of Oregon. But it's on the other side opposite Portland, real close there. So this, Spokane and another city is all you have for civilization. Yeah. So they called it to Tri-Cities. My God, when I moved to

right before I moved to L.A., I met a girl at that Volcano Room. On a Friday night, we swore. the little spit. Then she came back with her girlfriends on a Saturday night. We swapped a little spit. I was a gentleman.

I think we took it out. I ate a monkey, but no sex. There was no condom. And I go back to Seattle. The phone won't stop bringing. She's really pretty. I mean,

the girl was a fucking knockout. Really sweet. And one day, 4th of July, she drove up from wherever she lived, three hours away and me heard Josh Wolf and Malia Josh's kid's mother had like a Fourth of July party

they're like what a nice girl and I'm like okay and something was wrong with me I had seen this girl like eight times and I never went for the monkey like she was that hot yeah we had swapped spit we had gotten hot and sticky from time to time but we never really did anything and one night we're on the phone

having a conversation, I go, yeah, next week I got to go to San Francisco. And she goes, well, what do you think if I drive you? And I go, that's okay. You want to drive it? I'm like, oh, my God, she wants to drive me. I had to rent a car. Yeah. She saved me 400 fucking bucks.

I go, if you want to drive. And I didn't think, like I think now or like you think when you're 40, I think, well, I was 30. It's a ride. I don't know what I'm getting myself into. You know, I enjoyed that. Sure enough, she shows up on time. cooler sandwiches, sun dress,

looking like a goddess. And as we're driving to San Francisco, at one point, something comes up about a blowjob, and she looks me straight in her face. And she goes, you know, I'm really good at those, you know. And I go, all right, when we get to the hotel, we'll see. I'll be the judge of that.

It's a Monday night open mic at the puncher. No. Sunday night was the punchlines, and Monday nights was Cobbs, when that scumbag was up there. And he would make you sign your, name on a list and he wouldn't tell you what time you go up

and then he'd just come up to you and tap you on the shoulder. You know how many comics flew into that open mic and he didn't put up? No. Even though he told you on the phone. Who was this? He quit. He quit. He was an old guy that ran Cobbs, real prick. And he was the one that told Ralphie

why did Joe take Ari and me on the road that we were worthless and we used to bust Joe's balls and he had a crush on Joe because one day Duncan and Ari went downstairs into radio with Joe and that guy purposely brought a two-seater. And he told Ari and Duncan he couldn't go. So Ralphie told me the story.

I told Joe, Joe's like, come on. The guy wouldn't say that. I always knew the guy was a closet fag for starters. So for months, every time we go to Cobbs, I tell him, how's your friend, Joe? I would just torment Joe, Joe, you know he wants to suck your dick. Like when he would come up, I go, Joe, you want me to stay? Like I would just, you know, like Todd.

You want me to stay? Yeah, you want me to say? I don't know what's going on between you two. And Joe was, hey, he's not gag or dog, trust me. I know, but that dude was a scumbag. And he used to run an open mic on Mondays before Cobb's burned down. There's a Jewish lightning, the first one. Really?

The first one used to be down the corner in a warehouse by the chocolate. Oh, really? Hara Square. Guadalajara Square. What is it? No, what is the name of it? The chocolate bagel. Girodeli.

Guadale. I've been watching too much narcose. And then up the fucking corner, now it's up the corner. But they lit on, they tried to light on fire, whoever owns it, to try to get Jewish lightning, and then they moved. Yeah. But it was then. And then the guy at the punchline, his name is on the tip of my tongue.

He also told me on the phone, when you tell a young comic, you're going to put him up on the open mic, and you have a reference, Burke Reisch. Oh, I love Burke. Yeah, Burke called. come down Sunday night. I never forget him too. You would get there and say,

what do I sign up? And he goes, there's no list. I'll put you up when I want that. And he turns back on you and walk away. And you just stand there. You'd just stand there all fucking night.

And he'd come up to you at one point and go, you're up next. I said, I give you a six, do three. And you're like, I got a fucking hotel room for $40 that I had a begging borrow for almost a blow guy. And fucking, you wouldn't to be three I mean that's what they those two clubs were notorious let that fucking

ridiculous so I said something to that guy like you know me I was crazy and I had to say something to him like hey man what the fuck do you think you want to pick us you know like we don't have it hard enough and he goes get the fuck out of and I left and then I saw him a year later at the laugh at the Monday night showcase I was showcasing and he was there with a bunch of in those days, San Francisco would come down six guys and they would set up a showcase of Jamie Massada and Jamie would decide who would make it

and then kids from Portland would come down. I caught him out of San Francisco one and he was bitching in the back that they wouldn't put his guys on and I'll never forget walking up to him going remember me, motherfucker. Did you see that 20? Yeah. And here you are sweating like a fucking pig.

Don't feel good, does it? He just fucking beamed at me and I never saw him again. I always had, he He's been out of the business for 20 years. Snatch or scratch. He had one of those fucking singular cool names, you know. Seth or one of those fucking. It's nice.

It's nice. I mean, I guess it's nice when you see people that treated you like so much shit to go to go past them. But I have such a fucking needy personality that even the people that treated me like shit, once they come up, they're like, hey, man, congrats. All the success, I go, hey, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Like I have a hard time. Like,

and I don't think there's been that many people that have been complete and total dicks to me. I let bygones be bygones. It's, the situation to me feels like this. You ever have that girl

from your dated in college and she keeps in touch with you? Yeah. And every time you go to Tampa, you take her out to dinner with her husband and your wife and you're looking at it and the whole time you're all giggling,

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, drinking whatever wine, but you're looking at that bitch going. And when I, I used to tie you up and make you suck my balls like a savage. Because you're looking at him, he's like, and he's kissing her, and you're like, ugh. She used to look at my asshole with that tongue, and they're at the table.

Like, we love each other. And you're like, yeah, she loved me too until I whipped her with a belt and made a suck fucking hummus off my nutsack. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know you won. Like, this guy's trying to be a nice guy, but you're like, well, shut up, dog. I used to fuck her in the ass with egg yolks and go and so what, et cetera, at the same time. You know what I'm saying? When you do that, then you come see me.

You're over there playing like you believe this fucking dirty horse. She's an animal. She's a fucking animal. That's what it feels like when you see those people who doubted you now. Even though you're cool with them, now you got the upper hand. Yeah, but I always, Seguer and I always talk about this. Everything feels fleeting, always. What do you mean?

Like everything, everything like the first time I did, first time, first time I started selling tickets. I remember calling Tom going like, how long do you think this will last? And he goes, I don't know, man, I feel the same way. Like, you always feel like, do you ever feel like you got one over on people where you're like, I know, I know I think I'm funny, but I didn't think anyone else would ever think I was fun. All the time. Yeah. I always.

I saw at this comedy store last night. I went last night to the store. I did the main room and I sat in the original room and I watched like four or five comics. And there was two or three of them in particular that I go, I don't fucking get it. Like, I don't get it. There's been a few. It's not for me that. to judge or whatever, I just don't get it.

But there's people who say the same thing about me, you know. Yeah. We all live. Definitely say it about me. I tell people all the time that we all started zero on the first of the month. You and me and Lee were all equal. We're all equal. And, you know, you don't know what's going to happen. You don't know what's going to happen.

And all you could do is do a good job. That's why I don't like shit getting in the way of my stand-up anymore. Yeah. When I go on the road, it's to do those five shows. Nothing else. I might go to a kickboxing class. I might do a jih Tzu class. I don't really want to hang too much.

I don't really want to get involved in longer rides. I focus on the comedy. I won't even sell shit no more. Really? Yeah, I can't see. I don't want to be outside in between two shows. There's enough mayhem going on in the hallway. I just want to go in there and give them the best show I could give them.

So no matter what they think when they walk out, maybe I'll get them to come back next time. It's so funny. Wherever I just, maybe it was Omaha. Were you just in Omaha? No. Wherever I, wherever I just was, maybe Virginia Beach or I forget. They go, one of the kids comes up.

I do a meet and greet for both shows. It's just free. You don't have to pay for it. And one of the guys goes like, he's like, you're cool like Joey. Joe doesn't do a meet and greet, but like on the lay show, they'll go out and hang out. Yes. You can go out and talk to them. In between, I'm just causing chaos.

I'm just causing chaos for the staff. And that 9.30 show now becomes a 10 o'clock show. And that, I think, is more uncomfortable. When I go to a show, it better fucking, when you go to the movies, does it ever been a fucking late? Are the movies ever late? No, no. The commercials run late.

You got 10 minutes to play and put Amazon cheese on your fucking popcorn at Lemley and whatever the fuck you do. Then we got to run on time too. Nothing bothers me more when I hear about a comic doing three hours and people got to wait online outside for two hours. Me? Dude. I rip the tickets up and I go home.

Okay? I have plans. I have shit to do Sunday. And this comic wants to do three fucking hours. Nothing bothers me more about a comedy club that starts late. Nothing. Especially that second show. Because every minute that's late, it's one more minute that the headliner struggles.

That's one more minute that they can have another shot at tequila. That's one more. moment they could do a line of Coke every fucking minute. That's why there's clubs I love, nice staff, but I can't work with them. Because they're on fucking late time. 7 o'clock to 7.20. Now that means

already, now it's a sold-out show. So guess what? That show don't start to call it at the fucking 11, 11 o'clock. That means we're there until 1230. That means that there's people that are so excited to see Burke Reischer that they started drinking at 5. And you know this, Bert. I do.

You know, a couple weeks ago, they were doing a thing called Oz Fest. Okay? I'm 50. You're 40. The thing starts at 12. You and I both know. We're not showing to New Year's show at midnight. Yeah.

It goes to a mid. I think Ozzy came up at midnight. But it started at lunchtime. By 4 o'clock, I could have taken bets for pute puddles. From how many people started at 10 getting old? overexcited. When people come see us, they get over excited. Every one of us, I had a guy having 420 in Columbus. The guy fucking had a seizure from eating edibles, and they wanted to cancel the show. The show must go on. His friends wanted to see me so bad that they told him he's going to the

hospital by himself and they stayed there and watched the show. They came in with a fucking hospital room and they took him out like a bed. You know, I remember going to concerts. That's why we're meeting Bert Christ you're at five and doing lines of Coke and half a quailout. And by the time you get to the concert, you're out of your fucking mind. Dude, that's every...

And that show, I'm counting on this club to be on time. I get 705. Yeah? I'll cut back five minutes. That's why I started doing a two-man show. I'll cut lead down to five. Whoever's working with me down at seven. But that late show has got to start on.

Because if not, it comes out of the headline is hide. Some guys are going to say something, they're hammered. They're hammered. That's not fair to you, and that's not fair to them. Can you imagine going to Denver and doing two hours and it's snowing out and people got to wait for you? It's the experience that blows. I was at the KC Improv and I'm on stage and I'm hearing Thunder and Lightning. And so for the first show, and so I go to do my meet and greet and then I'm like, hey, where's the next?

next show at and they're like they're waiting in line everyone was waiting in the fucking rain and i just went hold on wait you didn't we didn't think this out better no like no they're just standing in the fucking rain and everyone came in soaking fucking wet and i was like holy how would you feel how would you feel i would i would have i would first of all they should have a lounge they should put those people in yeah they should have a fucking lounge so those people could go in and have a drink I don't want nobody outside. Lee, what do I tell you? I don't care.

Listen, like Ari said to me the other day, oh, you're going to be in New York for a Danny Brown show. I'll come up to Williamsburg. There's a barbecue place where people stand on the line for an hour. Oh, fuck. You're not going to see me that. Yeah. You're not going to see me that.

Unless I get a Jewish fucking gold chain, I get one of those neck braces. Like Phil Liotto and the Sopranos after he got rear-ended. Remember, he wore a neck brace. That's extra money. Because the neck brace makes you cut the line. People feel bad for you.

You bring like a dog with you and you close one eye. I'm waiting a line. Dude, I can't wait in line. I can't wait. You know what else I can't do? I can't go to a place where you got to grab a table. Like where people are like standing over tables where people are eating, waiting for them to leave. And then they get up and they sit down there.

That gives me fucking so much anxiety. What do you mean? Like we're like, you know California chicken cafe where there's a line of people, right? And then all the tables are full. But there's still a line of. And there's no seating. you got to find your own table and get your own table. And people are just like just hovering over tables,

like waiting for them to get up. And once they get up, they sit down in their seats. They're like, do we got this table? That gives me so much fucking anxiety. So then somebody has to come and wipe the table off while you're sitting there? Yeah, yeah. No one's even clearing tables. Like here we go to this barbecue restaurants where there's not only is there a long line,

but then there's not a ton of tables. So there's too many people in line for the tables they have. So the second people are waiting for a table. So once they get up, then people just go down and sit in that table. That gives me so much fucking anxiety. Well, the waitress comes over and wipes it down. No. Like you got a California chicken cafe.

No, he's talking about places where like you go up, you order, they give you the food and you go sit down. They're like, there's probably not a waitress. Yeah, there's no waitress. The thing that I think it's even hard for me to understand because anytime I get to go on the road, it's probably my first time in the city. So I'm very excited. you guys have been to every city how many times now 15 times you've been to

I love this I go Georgia's 14 so definitely 14 times Isn't that crazy I've been to fucking I've been to Philadelphia 14 did you perform Where have you not performed it

The only place I've not performed in There's two states Hawaii and something else Everywhere else I got Hawaii I got Alaska I got Alaska Chilku Charlie's I haven't done like

Vermont Like that like there's a bunch of like I never did Vermont either I can't lie to you Like all up there I never did I did in New Hampshire I did the other one Where Maine Maine when Bob Marley The club was up to the comedy connection

He owns that territory I did uh I did a Buffalo Albany Did Buffalo Albany? I've done all that stuff Rochester Syracuse Never done Mississippi Yes I did Mississippi I did Mississippi I did all the southern states

I got that out of the way just to make sure. I'd like to do Mississippi. Have you ever done the Alabama Star Dome? Yep, just did it. How was it? I loved it. Really?

Yeah, but Leanne's from Alabama, so I had a bunch of jokes. Like, I was dialed in. Because they have written that club off. When I first started doing comedy, that was like the top five clubs in the country. Now they say it's a little... I think a lot of the clubs,

I mean, from my perspective, and this is just what people have told me, like the work of the clubs, is a lot of the clubs are urban. A lot of the clubs are all just black comics coming through. A lot of the funny bones. That's all they have. Their whole lineups are just black comics. And I think the Stardom is one of those places where it just sells, it sells better to a black community than it does to white people.

Because I think guys who used to do that club jumped up to theaters real quick in that area. Like Bill Burr, I think we used to do that club all the time. and then he left up to theaters and then guys like Seguera just went in and go well fuck it I'll just do a theater there because that's what they're accustomed I think but yeah a lot of the clubs that went

have gone urban are you ready for these theaters are you excited about doing these theaters and whatnot does it feel different for you do you feel the difference from the stage to a theater I'll tell you the only not I don't feel a ton of difference but I changed I changed my stand-up a tad bit

and got less crowd in When I think probably two years ago, where I used to lean on audience interaction when I was younger man, I just get up on stage and I was like, I'll do the first 15 minutes fucking around with people and then they'll be like my I can go back to them every time I need a joke. You know, I'm talking about Reggie and and I stopped doing that. I stopped doing that and just started working on my material and probably four years ago, three years ago. And so now when I do theaters, I'm much more comfortable. I couldn't do theaters when I was younger because I was, I didn't know how to not do crowd work. I got to tell you something. We're friends a long time, and I tell you how it is. I don't give a fuck time. People get insulted. Your Netflix special was sensational.

Oh, God, I was waiting for you to insult me. It was in the top five specials of the year. Oh, thanks, Joey. I feel that very much in my heart. That's number one. Thank you, man. Number two. You have no idea when you say that.

You've miracleized me because you made a big jump in your stand-up. There was years ago, I saw you when then. I'm like, Bert's got problems. Like, I left there. Like, you had no shirt on. You were three quarters in the wind. I don't know what the fuck you were talking about. And then I saw you a second time,

and you had done a complete 360. You had talked about Ayla and going to school, and, you know, she's not the bright one. And then I see you a couple weeks ago, and you flip it on me again with a gun, and you pointed the gun at your wife. You know, and you ordered a machine gun, and the special was sensation.

or, you know, Roseanne's, uh, Leanne's faces when she's fucking and all that. Yeah. Uh, just, just little things that you really worked on. And I saw. And that's a bad habit. That's a bad habit as a comic is talking to the audience. It's a really bad idea. Guess who's really good at?

Who? Me. Yeah. I was about to say. And I won't do it. Yeah. I remember seeing you, I remember seeing you talk to the audience a long time ago. Oh.

Probably like 11 years ago at the improv. And you were I think you were big then and you were just hands up here and I forget the fucking interaction, but I'm in the back sitting next to Ian Bag who's amazing at crowdwork and we are rolling. Oh yeah, I'm really fucking rolling. I was lazy. So I won the right material. My first, no, after I left Boulder, when I got to Seattle, I went to New York. That's what happened. In 93, I went to New York.

And I got impressed by it. Everybody in New York talks to the audience. Dude. Where you from? You're a garbage man. Staten Island. Oh, my God. What's this smell like shit?

So I picked up that habit in New York. That's where I picked it up. And I kept doing it and doing it. And I kept depending on it. So I would have a 30-minute set, but I would really have 16 minutes of material. Yeah. And I would depend on 14 of crowd work.

Let me tell you something. It's like shooting dice. It's like shooting dice. You could kill a show. So my goal was to go in there improvising and then close it with material. And it got a little better, but it was still lacking. And then when I came to LA was where...

Dude, totally different. You better not say a word to the audience in front of Mitzie Shaw. Dude, never. Unless you're spectacular like Rick Ingram, you better not say a word. And you could see when a comic moves from another town where they have that bad habit.

In fact, a guy hit me up a few days ago. That's a dear friend of mine. He lasted because he was opening up with that shit from the sound. How are you guys doing tonight? It's great to be here in L.A. How about a big round of applause for the troops? That kills L.A. crowds. I have nothing against the troops.

I have nothing against celebrating. L.A. just doesn't work that way. And then he started talking to the audience. What do you do for a living? And the guys like, oh, my God. He did it at the improv. Dude. And it was a slow death.

And I tried to help him out because he was a dear friend of mine. And I had Brea then. So I gave him a spot, Brea the following week. And he went down to Braya. And he did the same thing. And it was the longest feature spot of my life. And when he got off, he told me some story about his relative getting sick. And he had to go back and watch him.

And I looked at him and I just knew. LA It took him I know It took him A week to break I think 10 days I know another guy

That came Got an apartment Moved into it For a week Went to the improv Went home Packed his bags And went right back

To New Mexico And he still does comedy And every two years Hooked me up With a Facebook Or some type of email Hey man I should have stuck with it Dude

I'm fucking sorry I want to When I got out here, I had a TV show. I've moved out from New York, but I had those New York tendencies of crowdwork first, crowdwork first. It murdered in New York, New York. Yeah, they love it. You could do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so I get out and all my TV shows are done. I hit up Aaron at the improv and I say, no, I need to really get on stage. I need to be on stage as much as possible. I'll do anything. So I'm not getting any stage time at the time. She goes, Drew Carey's doing Wednesday nights. I need a host to do 10 minutes and then bring on Drew Carey. He's going to do stand up and then they're going to do whose line is in any way.

So I'm like, awesome. So I get on stage and I remember first thing I said on stage guy in the front row. I said, what do you do, sir? And he goes, I'm a TV producer. And I went, really? I go anything I know and he goes, everything you know. And I went, wow, can you get me a job? He goes, I don't know, man.

Why don't you tell a joke first? And I was like, and I, Joey, I didn't have, I was like, in my head. I was like, I need a Puerto Rican to enter the room. I need a Puerto Rican and a blackhead enter the room. You wanted a missile to hit you in the fucking head, dog. I didn't have any fucking jokes. I didn't have one joke. I had a couple stories that I could like, I could, like, but like a, I didn't know how to do set up punch.

I needed someone to feed me some energy and then I could feed a back with a, with a joke. And I, I remember I bombed so hard and Drew Carey was not in the room. And but he walked in at the room at the end and I had a, I had one joke. that I told at the end that kind of did okay and Drew Carey came up and he goes great job man I'll see you next week he didn't see it he didn't see me bomb and so I did that every week and that night I went home and I wrote jokes I wrote just like like just anything that was a straight up set up punch I wanted something that would get me out of trouble like something that would like I'm trying to remember one of the early jokes I wrote

but you know what cops say when you touch their faces like just anything that was set up to get it get me out of things. And then when I went on the road, I got back into that lazy habit of like, you could just go up and crowdwork with murder. And you could, man, I'm telling you,

I'm telling you right now, I swear to God, the shift in my career was that machine story. When Joe said, this is one of my favorite memories in this business I'll ever have. Joe said,

you know, you got to tell the all stage. And I was like, oh, it's not a stage story. He goes, no, no, you have to. And everyone listening,

right now. This is like episode 60 of the Joe Rogan experience. He's like, everyone listen right now, you yell it out in the clubs until he tells it. You make him tell that story on the road. Call him the machine. From now on, he's only to be known as the machine. That next weekend I was in Columbus, Ohio. I do a set. It's fine.

Not memorable. A lot of crowd work. A lot of fucking with the audience. Take killing a beer. Shirts off. And I get to the end of my set. And this kid in the front rows, they're yelling the machine. And I go, hey, guys, I'm not going to tell it. and this kid in the front row.

I don't know who this kid is. He was an angel. He looked at me, he goes, hey, Bert, you got to tell the story, man. We understand it's not going to be good, but you got to tell it. And we'll sit through it, but you got to tell it if it's going to get good.

So just tell it, man. And everyone's like, yeah, Bert, just tell it, just tell it. Joey, I bombed for 15 minutes telling that machine story. And I got done. And at the meet and greet, they're like, hey, you did a good job.

You got to tell it next show, man. You got to tell it next show. I told that story for I want to say four fucking years where it just bombed. But once I did that, I figured out how I could write for myself. I didn't need these, like, there was these cover-all. I'm going to say this. I don't mean it disrespectful, but there was a cover-all Dane Cook approach to comedy that a lot of us guys took. A lot of us guys had those jokes like, you know what's fun to do?

When you walk into a room, you do this, dot, that, and then tell everybody, punch him in the dick, and you're like, yeah, what's up? I'm out, bitches. And that was like the premise of writing jokes. You know, uh,

it's, uh, I had a lot of them. A lot, like, uh, you know what happens when you, you know what you do?

You're verified at what you were the wife's? 12 words. Say, I love you. You are right. Uh, you win. Uh,

I love you, whatever. And you go back in bed with her. And that night while she's sleeping, you cut her hair. Like, it was almost like fun boy comedy. And I did,

I had a departure from that fun boy comedy and I really started, and Ari, I think Ari got obsessed with storytelling. And he started his storytelling show, and you could go in and tell a story. And it was a different way to write for yourself. That shifted everything for me. And now I look at it, now I'm looking at material and I'm going like, you know, you look at the way Burr and Rogan and all the greats, you know, they challenge themselves every

special to be a little different, write a little differently, add maybe an act out or a new on. Like when I saw a road, by the way, I've never known Joe to be like a physical comic. But when I saw him do that pteradactal bit with Bruce Jenner or Caitlin Jenner and beyond the state on that stool and I saw that all of a sudden it freed up my head like, well, I don't have to just stand and deliver. I can do whatever the fuck. But you look at your, did you watch a bat or you want it to store this? I was watching Sebastian. Dude, he burnt a thousand calories. He's, his new special is going to be fucking insane.

He burned a thousand fucking calories. Dude, he's been one of the best. biggest comics in this country. One of the top 10 earning comics. He hasn't had a special out in three years. All that shit's just off showtime. Shish off showtime. When his Netflix special drops, I don't know what the fuck's going to happen with that guy. He sold four shows out of the garden. That just my, do you remember, do you remember when we were younger and you go, can you imagine adding a show? Can you imagine selling out a weekend? Just selling out a weekend at a club. This seats 230.

That was like a fucking big achievement. And then we're all there. We're all selling out clubs. And then you look at a guy like Sebastian. Four shows at the garden. That's 80,000 people. 80,000 people know who Sebastian. I'm going to be dead honest.

I don't know if I've sold 80,000 tickets on this entire tour. Like every theater I'm doing is like 1,800,000, you know, like in between there. 80,000 people in two nights. And what could they go in Chicago? Like two nights later, this is what I'm saying. That is, fuck, and from such an unassuming- Would you do the garden? What? If you had the opportunity to do Madison Square Garden as a comic, would you do it?

A hundred percent. I don't know if I would do it. Oh, Joey. Oh, Joey. I just. If you could sell out the garden, just to have that moment where you walk on stage and you just, I would die. I would die because I grew up in that place. Two, can you imagine the feeling?

How many Harlem Globetrotters that I go into that? Because my birthday is on February 19th. It always lands on President's Day. So from the age of four to like 13, I made my mother take me the Harlem Globetrotters every year. My mom was so annoyed that by the time I was eight, she started paying somebody to take me. She was like, I can't see those motherfuckiness.

How great would it be if Joey did the garden and came out as, as meadowlark lemon just in a Harlem Globes Trotter's outfit. I went to see something there that I never felt. I went to see a Ranger Islander game. Yeah? And then a week later, I was there for Rutgers against North Carolina and basketball when fucking, I think, no, Michael Jordan wasn't there. Michael Jordan wasn't even dreamed of that.

It was Michael Corrin and Phil Ford, and Rutgers. James Bailey. I used to go to the garden to see Julius Irving Christmas Day against the Knicks. I mean, do you understand my history with this place? I saw ACDC open up for Ted Nugent at the garden. I saw Keith Richards and the fucking new barbarians at the garden. You know, so for me to just walk in there and perform, like, I don't know. I don't know if the stand-up thing would get lost in translation. No, no. That's what scares me about all those big things. That's why I asked you earlier about how do you feel in a theater compared to a club?

This is a theater tour, and I'm proud of you. You did a ton of work, and you deserve it. Thank you. Do you, like, Cobbs, for example. Yeah. I love the people who run Cobbs. I have nothing against them. I don't ain't performing at Cobbs.

I don't have control over my audience. at cops. I know what you're saying. At the punch line, I could dick smack them. It's 180 people. You can just whip them if they're talking. Shut up. Kayate!

Yeah. And bit slab them. There's rooms where I have control of the audience. Have you done the Parks Casino in Philadelphia? No. It's a theater. It's a casino. Fucking perfect.

Really? Like all the, there's a bunch of rooms that are big. but they still give you that small feeling. The Wilbur The theater. I was just going to say the fucking Wilburne. You think you're at fucking Johnny's Mamba room. Yeah. You think you're in front of 200 people.

You think you're in front of 28 people. But then you look up and you go, I'm not even looking like that. I'm scared of heights. The first time I did the Wilbur, I went up, I got, I went, I had never done the theater. I never done it like personally, never sold a theater. And so I go, this is probably three years ago. I go up, yeah, probably three years. I go up to the thing and I go,

I want to go up to the top and see what it looks like from the top. Opener is on stage and I go all the way up to the top and I look at him on the very top balcony and I get a, I get a Tito's and soda, right? I got in my hand, I'm doing one show. I'm looking over and I'm like, oh, this is fucking amazing. And then I realize, and then some lady goes, Bert? And I go, yeah.

And she goes, oh, my God, it's Bert. And then everyone in the top center was like, you're the guy we came to see. And I'm like, oh, I guess I can't just hang out in the fucking balcony. But that is an amazing. I had Leanne when the next time I did it. Leanne came with me and I sent Leanne up. I go walk around.

Like take a look at this place. Chicago theater is pretty insane. That's 3,000 and that place. There's a bunch of places that I'm like excited to do like the tabernacle in Atlanta. Like I just, I'm like, I'm fucking can't wait. I'm doing the tabernacle this year. I'm looking at when you're in Boston. You already sold out four shows in Boston, right?

Yeah. They're already sold four? Yeah, I think so. So it's, you know, it's weird because they go, it's sold out, but then it's the single seats available. So people get still get tickets. And then they tell you, there's 50 tickets left. Yeah. It's just a thousand stories.

It's just a thousand. Vancouver Sunday night. Like both shows sold out. And then they're like, hey, we've added, we've added 100 tickets to both shows. And I was like, well, hold on. Do I need to sell those? And they're like, yeah, if you want to. I was like, where did you add them from?

And they're like, it gets really confusing, especially like, ticket pricing and all of that because there's ways I wouldn't mind ticket pricing to go. Like I wouldn't mind as a consumer, meaning like if I went and saw your show and you said you could get any seat or you can pay a little extra to sit on the aisle,

I go, oh, I'll pay extra to sit on the aisle. If you could go, you can also pay a little extra and you get in first. I'd be like, oh yeah, definitely. I want that too. Like, hey, what else can I add on to this? Like, that's, I actually have trying to set up a meeting with Ticketmaster to talk about a way to price my tickets

because there's certain things that as a guy who would go to a theater that I would like. Like to sit up front, I wouldn't mind paying more money. But then I guess they say that that really fucks with your pre-sale because your pre-sale is all, like when you go on presale for these theater tours, that's rewarding your fans. Like the people that follow you on Instagram and listen to the podcast, that's, they buy them in pre-sale because you're not, it's not released to the general public. It's just you going, they're on sale right now. If you're a fan of mine, this is the reward you get as a fan. is like I'm letting you know now you can go sit up front for the exact same price as a guy who sits in the balcony. So, but yeah, there's, I think there's, I'm curious to see there, to see how this works, you know?

So first like legit big theater tour I've ever done and I'm, I'm interested to see, I'm interested to see how certain material goes over, you know? I'm interested to see if I can fuck around as much as I do in the clubs. Like, because I can workshop a joke in the clubs and get a, with it and in a theater I don't know when you got 1800 people like you said you got to whip him in a shape and make sure they're listening so uh okay I'm trying to figure out the waitstaff raffle I got something going on with that I wanted to be a party bro I'll tell you what I did last night this is I'm this is well the kid Knox night said he won the raffle yeah our wait staff guy said you gave made 100 bucks whatever do you in the theater there's no

wait staff I got an idea okay I got I got an idea. Yeah, because in the theater, they sit, they have to go all the way to the back and get a fucking beer. There's no waitstaff in a fucking theater, you know? I'll tell you what I'm doing. Okay? By the way, I haven't thought this out fully.

This is just, I, and if it, hey, and if anyone's listening, this doesn't happen the way I want to, for whatever legal purposes, just know that this is where my head's at. So I had a really hard time with the meet and greets. Because I like doing meet and greets. I think if, I like meeting greets. Like, if I went and saw you,

I would definitely want to come up to you and go, hey, man, I thought you were fucking amazing. There's part of me that is that guy. You know, like, if I see a band, if you told me I could meet Jeff, Jeff Tweedy after a Wilco show, I'd be like, oh, please. I'd pay anything, but I don't want to have people pay to come see me and do a meet and read. I'm not going to charge like $300 to go come backstage and meet me because I feel like that's not our fans. You know, our fans are the ones that are literally like, hey, man, I'm going to dip out on my Netflix bill next month to make sure I can go see Joey Live or Joe C. Bert or Tommy live. So what I'm going to do is, and by the a,

don't hold me to this, but this is what I'm doing. I'm trying it tomorrow night in Portland. I'm going to raffle off. I'm going to put a raffle box up front. You get a ticket. You can buy as many tickets as you want. Every ticket's a dollar. And at the end of the show, I'm going to have them backstage, pull 50

ticket numbers, and each of those 50 people, or 25, whatever the number comes out to be, can bring a plus one backstage and say hi and take a picture. it matters is they raffle off that get that number all you need to buy is one ticket for your chance to win you can buy more tickets if you really want to do it and then I'm going to take all that money in the box I'm going to pull one of the numbers

and then just give that money to a fan at the audio at the show. Who doesn't get to come to see you maybe? Yeah I just go and you don't get a meet and greet but boom here's your ticket you get all the money for the raffle I don't want it I think that would be dirty if I took that money I wouldn't feel comfortable with that but to give it back to a fan so like theoretically someone comes

So my show wins $5,000. How fucking great would that be? And then the bigger it gets, because you know people, I know me, I put $200 in if I went. I go, fuck, yeah, I want to it. I want a chance to win the money. At the end of the shows, when you're doing the tabernacle for 1,800 people, you could do like pots of 40 grand. How security walk them to their car? I know.

You bring a girl up on stage and you go, you don't get the meat and greet, but here's $10,000 in cash. Fuck you, bro. This girl will be like, I'll be coming to see you next year, definitely. Absolutely. I bring them friends too. Yeah, so I thought about that last night. So regardless, I'll do the raffle for the meet and greet. I want it to be fair to everyone.

And if you want to put in more money, the raffle, but that's what I think. I'm going to try it tomorrow night in Portland on the first show and just see how that works. See what the right number of meet and greet people is, so it's not overwhelming. It's kind of, you can run smoothly. And then see if, I don't know, I don't know. I talked to my business manager about. Like if that's a tax exemption or if I'm running an illegal gambling racket. Like you can't just go into certain cities and go, I'm giving away 40 grand tonight.

So you know me. I'll videotape it. I'll put it online and we'll see how it works. I'll be doing that in Vancouver. Two shows, guys. We're doing it with Loonies or Toonies. What are they called? Boonies?

Loonies. Clooney's and Toonies, right? Yeah, Loonies and Toonies. It's Canadian money. It's $1 and $2. It smells like maple syrup regardless. Is that part of the reason why you're doing a big, like a lot of dates? Because for me, like the part that was a little, not frustrating, but hard when I did like the Foxwood with Joey is it's hard to just do one show.

Like it feels like you don't really like you're just barely getting warmed up. Like you're doing a lot of shows like it. Oh no, no, no. The plan was just to do one in everywhere and then they sold out. And then immediately everyone's like, well, you're already there. You want to add a show? and Seguro was the first one. I mean, I lean on Tom so much.

I bust his balls. We both bust each other's balls a lot. Do he, him? All of us have been, so you're the one that got me out of Sunday shows. Tom's the one that whenever comes to money, I always run to Tom. I see you work on Sunday shows. I didn't get you out of them. No, not this tour.

But Tom's like the second show is where you make your money. When you add a show to theater? No, that's who you make your money. Because you got to rent all the shit. They're there already. Yeah, you got to rent all that. So if you do one show, you don't get the lion's share. But if you add that second show,

all those expenditures are already paid for. So the second, they were like, hey, I remember them calling me. We went on pre-sale. And, like, you know, you do a big radio tour, so I get done the radio tour at like seven in the morning, girls are probably eight, nine in the morning, girls are in school. I go to take a shower. I'm going to take a nap. And Leanne comes in, and they're like, oh, you sold out Boston.

I was like, wait, it just went on sale like an hour ago. And she goes, yeah, you want out of a second show? I was like, fuck, yeah. And then Dorfman called me. at Brian Dorfman and he was like hey man I think you gotta have a good tour and then that afternoon at like noon they woke me up and they're like hey they want to add like 13 second shows and I was like okay because you're like you're already there you make that money and then you're like okay this will be a good tour and then we added a second show to every fucking market when we'd four and some three and some and but then it turns into the thing where you that's where I had the flip in my brain I can let this overwhelm me or I can turn this into a party I can get myself a tour bus and just go I'm not I'm not my goal is I'm not going to just try to do a cash grab. I'm going to make this fun for myself and really enjoy it. And just enjoy it.

Like if you told me 20 years ago, hey man, you're going to do a world tour. We'll get you a tour bus and you can bring your friend. You can bring some really great comics to open for you. I'd be like, oh, this is how I want to do it. And so I was like, that's how I'm going to do it and I'm going to enjoy it. And so like I think in St. Louis,

I'm staying for a Monday night show. We're doing a Monday night show. I think maybe in Minnesota too. And then you're just like, fuck it, man. I'm in. I had a flip of my switch too. I think I did eight or nine shows in Brea the other weekend. I just said, hold on.

Don't get overwhelmed by two shows. Just this is the job. Yeah, I like two shows. Yeah, I like two shows too. I also like Thursday night. I love. I love going on on Thursday doing one show, doing 15 minutes extra and trying shit.

Right. And feeling out the room. That I do enjoy. But I do enjoy two show nights. Sundays I had to give up. I don't care what you're paying me on a Sunday. I can't do it no more. That was the biggest change.

I cannot sit there all day. And people, you don't know what life is until you're sitting there all day. You have Sundays, but you're in the fall, you're in the spring. Yeah. You know, you don't want to be. It's like when I did World Turn, the fucking Yankees were in town when I did the World War. And Sunday, Miami was coming in. Yeah.

You know, and they're like, well, why don't you stay for a Sunday show? I'm not going hand to hand. combat with drunk people. They got to know how much, you know how many millions they made that weekend? You know how expensive our hotel room was? Yeah. There were $400,500, hotel rooms because the Yankees are coming to town. They fucking eye gouge you. You know, you have to...

I like touring, but I don't like a guy on my face. Yeah. What's the first thing you hear on Monday? Did you hear about this guy? He ate shit in fucking Florida. What's the first thing you hear on Tuesday? fucking last time he was he did 13 tickets you know so everything I do I wanted to be done a specific way it was perfect man you told me that and I remember immediately you you're if you have that that Sunday show I mean just to put in perspective for those that don't know what we're talking about Thursday show you're flying in for you're flying in on Thursday no press all you do is land take a shower or no there's a lot of people flying Wednesday night yeah but that's a fortnight away from your family I fly in Thursday. That's a fourth night away from your things. For you to be an effective stand-up comic,

which for years I didn't do these things. Yeah. I wasn't smelling roses. I was too busy doing it. And when I, I don't know why Terry's still with me. Because the first three years, I let her know to her face

that she did not hold a candle to comedy. Yeah, I don't give a fuck about your birthday. birthday, Valentine's Day, just another day. My birthday, you go fuck itself. Christmas, wipe your pussy with that and all that shit. Because when you're a real comic, you don't think about those things. Oh, yeah. When you're 30 years old, you have no responsibility, no girlfriend, no wife, no kids.

The holidays are over. People calling you and going, hi, we're coming to L.A. for 10 days. That's great. But I'll see you Sunday night at the 4th Wall. What are you talking about? I thought we were going dinner and go and see Mickey Mouse. Go see Mickey Mouse with your mother. That's what this becomes.

It becomes if I'm living away from my family, and if I'm doing this, going to clubs every night, don't start because there's a Laker game, don't do this. I keep, when I was from 97 to 2003, I was not a very nice person. Oh, I was not a very nice. I was a nice person, but my focus is, I don't go to talk about Bert's birthday party.

You get Josh Wolf over here right now. I'm not with Josh Wolf tight. Ask him if I ever went to any of his parties with his cousin. When Scott Wolf, every Saturday they had a party, go ask him. Yeah. My job was to be a comic. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, I catch an occasional Dodger game. I go to the beach once a year, you know. But I don't know what you're talking about. Can't you come to Orange County in daytime? No, because I'm going to an audition. Yeah. No. How many times you're on your way out to go dick around and all send your aging calls?

They want to see you at 2.30. They got to come all the way back, get the fax machine, get this. I don't go nowhere. Do they? No one understands that. Georgia was born on June 7th. We took her home, June 8th, and I left June 9th to go work. I was like, is what I do.

This is what you do. Yeah. People who don't understand. and then they get mad when shit don't flip you away you're 30 lean you got no wife no kidding far from what you believe you don't need to sleep you don't even do anything you don't need to be there tomorrow morning you're a comic dude it's a it's a you're a comic there's a you're a comic there's that old jerry Seinfeld story he told in comedian do you remember that is the a bunch of like

I think it's either comics a bunch of comics or or musicians or whatever it's a story it's an old story I'm gonna fuck it up but this is the gist of it a bunch of late late night acts like us guys who work at night that's what they do their bus breaks down in the middle of the

in the middle of the winter and so they got all their gear and they're walking on the street when they walk up to a house and everyone's inside the house like a family and they're all sitting by the fire having cocoa and watching t-o TV and one guy looks at the other and goes, can you imagine having to do that every night? Because we got, I mean, I got the best job in the fucking world.

This is, you know, I've been obsessed with this lately, but like I have a brain that all it does is think about comedy all day long. All day long, all I get to do is think about comedy. Yesterday I was laying in bed and all I thought about was writing jokes about glory holes. That's it. For an hour, I just, I reworked at every angle. I just laid it in bed. Leanne comes in.

She goes, what are you doing? And I go, I'm working. That's it. I called a Stanhope. This is one of my best Stanhope stories, and it changed the way I started writing. I called Stanhope one time. It's like sunset in LA.

Sun's already probably down in Bisbee. And he answers the phone. I say, hey, what are you doing? And he goes, having a grapefruit and vodka, having a cigarette, trying to think of some goofs. I said, what? And he goes, I think of some goofs.

I'm trying to write a knock, knock joke. You know, is the beauty of this. you know it's the beauty of this job is you hang out with the guy like norm mcdonald and you watch his brainwork and you go that's all he had to do do a bill burr and i were hanging out the other day and he goes like can i just tell you a joke oh yeah it's one of the fucking funniest jokes i've ever heard and he goes yeah norm macdonald told it to or no uh gilbert goffrey told it to norm norm told it to me i just told it to you i thought i thought you'd enjoy it and you're like that's our job that's our

job is just to fucking think of jokes that's it oh come on i love it i love the whole process of it i love a to z i love this i love this we i love podcast i love that i'm sitting i'm sitting at where we had a meeting right before this me and leanne and my mom ended up going and they're the the guys are running late and so i text you i go i'm running 15 minutes late and then the guy's like uh i was like i got to go i got bounce and uh he's like oh you gotta get back to work and i go yeah kind of and the guy goes what do you do i said i'm a comedian and he goes that must be nice and leanne goes oh he's just going over to joey daz's office to do a podcast and the guy goes you know joey dyes go oh that's my afternoon that's my afternoon is i just get to come over here hang out with you guys bullshit giggle and then go home

have a glass of wine get in the pool with ila i fucking love it dude i leave here pick up mercy yeah take it a karate at four And it's not going to the spaghetti factory. Not the spaghetti factory. We go to our restaurant or Wednesday night Italian food, which is God horrible. Yeah. But she loves it. I sit through it and fucking pray I don't get syphilis.

And we come home. And I'm going to watch the R. Kelly thing. What? 10 years ago, I'd be doing four spots tonight. Oh, bro. I wrestle with that because I understand what I'm saying? I had to stop wrestling with it. I wrestled with it this week.

I can't have to conclude. This week. You got to be at the store on Tuesday night. This week I said no. I literally, these last couple weeks I know that I'm going on tour hard, Jessica will give me a text and be like, do you have any avails? And I was like, I'm trying to spend time with the girls because I'm about to hit this tour. And I told Adam, I said, you're not going to see me for a while.

And I can't hang out before the tour because once I'm gone on the tour, I'm gone. And I want the girls, I want to be able to teach Georgia how to slide. I want to teach, I want to, you know, take the girls out and do stuff. I want to see movies with them for a little bit. So I, it was rough, man. I've been looking at the lineups lately because I get them on Instagram and I'm like, fuck, I should, I should be there tonight. I should be that. It's just all bullshitting around in the back.

I saw the other day it was like, Delia Rogan and Tommy. And I was like, and you. And I was like, oh, I see the pictures that Troy Conrad posted and I go, fuck, I want to be in that green room. Just bullshitting. Listen, man, it's, I can't do six nights a week, though. I mean, I'm trying, I don't even know how, I don't remember falling asleep last night. I don't remember falling asleep last night. I got home like a quarter to 12.

I dicked around the office for about 30 minutes. I smoked some fucking pot. I made notes or something. And then it felt like I was up all night. And then it was five in the morning. And then I had a pee and my wife was already out of bed. and then I heard the door open I heard bye daddy

and I got up and gave her a kiss and I called I'd see you later and shit and I'm embarrassed because I like being up early so I woke up at 8 on the dot 750 was when she leaves for school but I can't do that five nights a week yeah you know it was a day last week

I had to take like three naps in the daytime we had three days in a row like from going out at night like just those gigs in Oxnard and shit that's it that's why I can't cannot. I love my agents. I love that. My agent has the ability to send me around the world. If you want to get booked, call my agent, tell him I'm going on vacation. If you call him,

if you call Justin and tell him you're going to Mars, he'll find you a job in Venus. I told them this. We've laughed about this. It's like, worst you need to tell my agent, I call him up and I'm going on vacation. Where are you going? Connecticut. An hour later. Listen, I got you a date there. I don't want a fucking date. I just want to see my, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Because when you go on vacation with your family and you got to do a date,

it's usually that night when you're having the best time. Like your mom is there. Yeah. And now at 7, you've got to get up from the fucking table and excuse yourself. And you can't cancel because there's two shows already sold out. Oh. And you're like, this blows.

So that's why I went to New York this last time, I didn't take a fucking comedy show. Nothing. Yeah. Nothing. I don't want to do nothing. I don't want to do nothing. I remember those days when we go to the,

Leanne, we have a lakehouse in Alabama, and we'd go there, and I'd get in the car, and I'd drive two hours into Atlanta and do a spot at night and then drive back. And Leanne would be like, do you really have to leave? I love that stuff. Yeah.

When that vacation shit, I do, I don't want to do a gig for money, is what I'm saying. Yeah. If I'm sitting there, it's 9 o'clock, and the in-laws are in bed. I know you're saying, and my wife is in bed, committed to it.

And the baby's tired. And I'm sitting there, there's nothing on TV, and there's a pizza place that has an open mic. You bet your fucking ass. I'm going to walk to that open mic, get a slice of shitty pizza, and tell jokes and meet the local comics. Yeah. Why not?

That's phenomenal. That's one thing. That's one thing to be sitting there, and you go up to your daughters and go, you want to play Monopoly? No. Honey, what do you want to do? No, I'm going to go do that.

I don't see your in-laws, like, oh, we're tired. Yeah. Let me go see what the fuck is going on on the open mic scene. You walk down to the corner There's a coffee shop You open up that local Entertainment area

And sure enough Open mic, poetry night I see poetry night I'm down there What kind of poets are you? Don't worry about it I'll show you when I get on stage I'll show you your poetry

When I get on stage You know the other day Somebody told me they went back to Boulder Somebody were at the store And somebody goes It went back to Boulder You're not going to believe If they closed Penny Lane

What was Penny Lane? And you ever have those things like, I don't even know how to describe them. I think that they affect, it's one of those places in your life that when it closes and actually does something to your heart. Something memorable to you.

A candy store when you grew up at, the people owned it, the family, the three generations, you know, something. For you was a pizza place. You were telling me there was a pizza place in your neighborhood, that if one day your mom calls you and goes, guess what, Mr. Margiano's closing the pizza place?

You're like, really? Like, that just took the wind out of myself. That's why I would go when I go home and I see Bert, you know, when you go to Tampa, like I go to Margiano. I'm just making up a name, by the way. Caesars in New York. For you, yeah. Yeah, down in South Tampa had the best.

The first place that taught, in Florida, we didn't have pizza the way everyone else did. But it had New York style pizza with a crispy crust. And he threw it up. You didn't see places. places like that and he'd sprinkle parmesan and uh and oregano on for you on a cheese on a slice of cheese every time you got the spinach and tomato and the cheese that was it every time it's do seizures in new york in in south Tampa and then i went down with my i was with i think

leanne and the girls when the girls were young we're driving around i go do you want to have the best piece of piece you'll ever have in your life she's like yeah i drive up to it and it's gone it's like a fucking fucking quickie-mart for pills Well, this did something to my heart. Penny Lane was a coffee shop in Boulder. Have you ever been to Boulder? Yeah, I love Boulder. This is when it was, this is 90, 88, when it was very hippish.

So I got on stage in 91. I'm trying to be a comic. There's no comedy in Boulder. I wasn't a halfway house with this dude that was older. If I was 30, he must have been about 50. He was an old bank robber or some shit. I think he's not a bank robber. He was a safe cracker.

We even talked about it a couple times. He told me how to crank different saves and shit. He was a very entertaining guy, Jewish guy from New York. Yeah. He must have been 50, but he had a fucking girlfriend. That was 26 and just banging. And she was the manager at Penny Lane. Penny Lane was a coffee shop.

One of the first coffee shops, way before Starbucks. And behind it was the Harvest Restaurant. And Penny Lane, they had poetry night. And I would go there, you know, because she would give me drinks for free. So I would go there, put $2 on the thing. And she would give me, like, choha hot cocoa or whatever. And they'd be up there like, so I ran and I ran. And I ran into a mush filled with roses and all this stuff.

So why not I said to her, listen, do you mind if I go up there? And she's like, I don't know, the guy that runs it thinks he's fucking Shakespeare. I mean, the guy really had the hat with the pepies. the pew thing and everything. And I go up there and just unleash a barrage of pussy and Godzilla jokes and Chinese people running and they had to cut the show like, stop, stop.

This is a poetry night. And I go, you know, what's a difference? Just let me do three minutes. You know, he's like, well, you're insulting some of the people. I go, well, I'll clean it up a little bit. No, no, no, no. He goes, listen, man.

Godzilla and pussy and Chinese people running away. He goes, you seem like a nice guy. He goes, just do me a favor. Come to the midnight one. There's a midnight one on Fridays and Saturdays. They would stay open all night. This is when it was safe. Yeah.

Do you know many times I went there and there'd be 40 people listening to poetry at 2 in the morning. And I would go up. This is, I'm talking 1990. I started in 91. Yeah. So this has to be 91, 92. Because one day they told me not to come back no more. One night she wasn't there, and they're like, listen, just don't come back no more.

Just don't come back. You can't come back there. But I don't know how many sets I did in there and bombed. Really? Like, just went in there to bomb. Like, I was already predetermined. I'm just going to be a failure, and I'm going to go in there bomb. They told me that they closed in a place.

I don't even know what I'm telling you guys. It just broke my heart. I took so many bombings in that place. If they did that with the Boston Comedy Club in New York, when they closed it, I went, Fuck. I thought I'd always be able to come back there. Now, wasn't it reopened? No.

They re-they, they recreated it for Pete Holmes' show. But they didn't reopen it. It's a wine bar, I think. No. I don't know. It's the same with it with last stop. Do you remember the last stop in Houston? Man, when that place closed, I was like,

fuck. The one, yeah, the original one? The one, yeah, the original one in Houston. Great, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was on Gray Street. Oh, my God. They said when we talked to Netflix and you don't know what your budget is going to be when that you get on.

I mean, I knew it wasn't going to be much, but they said, just ballpark. If you could shoot your special anywhere, how would you shoot it? No, you know, price isn't an option. I was like, I'd go in and I'd rent that restaurant for a week that now is the Houston last stop. And then I'd rebuild this. I'd rebuild the stage. It's still there. What do you mean?

It's not. They never tore it down and the restaurant closed. And they only used the front part for the restaurant. So the thing remains open. They were opening it for a few weeks. Jimmy Schubert did it. They were opening it. Are you serious?

Some comic talked them into it, but you couldn't cover the nut. Some comic went in there and said, listen, it's just sitting here. It's there. All you got to do is go in there and put the lights on, the whole fucking thing in your back of business. How does Comedy Central or someone not shoot a bunch of specials in there? Like just a bunch of guys who started there and grew up around there and like, what was your home club? Well, it wasn't that. That was from 97 to 2003.

If you didn't work the lap stop, you weren't shit. Houston last stop was the hip place to play. And what had happened was Tom Rogers' show got canceled, and Mitch Hedberg talked him into doing it with him, a co-headlining spot. And that just leveled it out after that. And Stanhope went in there, and Rogan shot his CD in there. I put my first CDs from there.

Everybody. Because they had the capability to record. Yeah, they would tell you when you come in. You want to do a CD this week? We'll tape it for you. You're like, really? Oh, and you could say anything in that room. Except George Bush.

Yeah, you couldn't talk shit on George Bush. I told my wife that. You go to Austin and go, fuck the bushes. They can suck my dick when Mrs. Who just died? Both of them just died last year. Yeah. But the old man, when the old man died,

I go, you know, it's really crazy how you learn about geography and jokes. In the old days, if you went to, Austin, oh, you could talk shit on the bushes and shit. I remember going on the ride. I remember being up on stage in Houston. Fucking lit on Yeagermeister. Doing quote from the Godfather. Like after every two jokes, I would go. Michael Colione did this.

Michael Colione did that. And then I would do two more jokes and go into Biggie warning. Yeah. Who the fuck is this? Paging me and my four to six in the morning. and Grecadone and Neumion and between those two things I said every horrible thing

from those two things. I used all the N-words from the Biggie song. I used all the Michael Collione shit. And I remember I had him in hysterics. And I said something about George Bush and the room just froze.

Like you can't recover. In those days in Houston from George Bush joke, like political comments that died of slow death than that. These guys walking around today would have been dying a slow death than that with political humor. Did you ever do the Amarillo Comedy Club? Yes, I did.

With the Moran brothers? No. I knew the Moran brothers. I knew Kelly very dearly, rest and peace. I knew him from Seattle before he ate the pills or whatever the fuck he did because he always did something. Yeah. He was good friends with Chard Hogan who in turn was best

friends with Mitch Hedberg. Mitch Hedberg and Chard Hogan were the first people to ever rent the Volkswagen bus and go across the country doing guess sets. Really, that's how Mitch Hedberg got all his work at first. Kelly Moran and I worked together at Sacramento at Lass Unlimited. And the lady there was, Leslie was a booker at Lass Unlimited. And Kelly's like, hey, man, you're really funny.

I was featuring you. He goes, I need you to tone it down. I'm having a hard time following you. I was like, oh, sure, man, of course. So I dial up really cool. He's sober at the time. So we get done the first show. and he says to Leslie, he goes,

hey, why don't you have, you should not have him featuring. I can't imagine there's a lot of guys that can follow him. You should have him headlining. She goes, he's not a headliner. She goes, he goes, yeah, he's clearly a headliner. And she goes, no, we only hire headliners

that headline other places. And he had a comedy club in Amarillo. And he goes, hey, what are you doing next weekend? And I said, nothing. And he goes, would you like to headline my club in Amarillo? And I said, I'd love to. And he goes, you're hired. He goes, he's now a headliner.

Don't let him feature. Kelly Moran did that for me. and I went down to Emeriloh the very next weekend and I think if I'm mistaken and I apologize but I think Kelly got back on pills within the time that I met him sober and that next weekend and he went into the Amarillo Comedy Club. He went into my backpack

and he took my joke book and he lit a cigar in the back of the club and started smoking a cigar in the bag of the club and flipping through my joke book and he'd go gay Elvis dream what's that joke? And I'd tell the joke and it was just him dying laughing in the back smoking a cigar. He had his brother Kevin Moran. I think all of them were using pills. Kevin had

broke his arm, broke his hand. He had one hand that wasn't working so well, but he put 100 cigarette, the 100-length cigarette in there. He'd pick you up with one of those burning and he had a comb, because I think he was eating pills, and he'd comb his hair with the other hand while he drove and just oh, he just feather his hair because it felt good because he was high. And he said to me the first night I worked and they did their other brother who I used to party with all the time I forget his name he passed as well but

but man those brothers were fun as fuck and they they were good I worked there every quarter they brought me back because I like I like to party and so these you bring me in and I remember Kevin the first night says hey I don't care if you say the M word I don't care if you say anything about Mexicans I don't care if you say anything

about anything but if I hear one GD come out of your mouth I'm pulling you off the fuck what's the age goddamn He couldn't say goddamn That's right down there You couldn't say goddamn And then I remember I remember Paulie Shore went down there

And staged a fight Do you remember that? Paulie 4 went down to Paulie Shore went down The Emeril of Comedy Club This is right when like All that shit Like MySpace was big

And he made it look like He made a joke about rednecks And a guy got on stage And punched him Yes I remember sort of the story And it went viral And then he came out

And he's like I staged it it didn't really happen and everyone was like aw but I was like that's it fucking amarillo yeah that amaryl comedy club they had a bar right next door me and kevin and kelly's youngest brother i can't remember his name man we used to get fucking wasted there and then kelly's ex-wife would come in

that was her name i can't remember she's still around really she's still around sweetheart of her god she was awesome we drink coronas and she was 20 in 1995 and kelly was a grown man Yeah. When we hung out with her, she was, my favorite joke of hers was she did a, excuse me, I'm Janet Jack, like that Janet Jackson line at the time.

She would do, excuse me, something, it doesn't really matter. But I saw her, she dated Duncan for a while. No fucking way. No fucking fucked everybody in this town. Duncan fucked everybody. Duncan did fuck a lot of people. Dunkin did fuck a lot of people. bitches. And then Duncan seems like

a nice guy, but they would show up and Duncan and make them some balls in their mouth and whip them and do diabolical shit. And all these nice girls were like, fuck Duncan's. Duncan's got to have a sick game. Duncan's a sick motherfucker, man. But I came up with Kelly

and Kelly was a great guy to me and whatever. He was a great guy. What happened was he moved to LA. Yeah. And he was gone for about six months. And here I am in Seattle cheering for him. You know, because I didn't have the balls to move to L. Yeah.

I'm cheering for the guy, cheering for the guy, cheering for the guy, cheering for the guy. He comes back to Seattle. He goes on stage on a Monday night, and he does the exact same six minutes he left with. And I was blown the fuck away. I did a thousand gigs with Kelly. Yeah. Kelly used me as a feature in Portland one time. He was a great guy.

Last Margaritas in Portland, Oregon. There was a Mexican restaurant that was booked by Donna Richards. Kenny was his brother's name. Wait a second. So I'm telling you about that girl that I met and I went with it. That's the 4th of July. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then we're headed down to San Francisco and she tells me she's really good of doing that.

So I go, wait until we get to the hotel. Now, guys, what I'm telling you, this chick was perfect. I had the toe. Really pretty, really sweet had a job. We start swapping spit. My shirt comes off. And she had a thousand of those skin plugs. What do you call those?

Skin tags. Skin tags. But the thing is growth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were all over her. back. So when you made out with her, every time you felt her back, all she had was those little skin

growed. And I remember, like, her sucking my dick and me, like, pat her back. And I'm going, what is this shit? Like, I'm going to, like, a lump of thumbs. It was, like, going through a village of thumbs. And I'm, like, I'm stuck with this girl for four more days. And I didn't know. There was no

electrolysis then. There was no, like, going to, there was no pitiful Chinese lady on fucking lifetime that pops that shit. She Dad, and then people saying, Jo Amity, she probably had 18 on her back, but she hit him. And she's like, it's a problem. If it's a problem, I'll get them fixed. Like, she had gotten dumped by every boyfriend because of this thing. Oh, my God.

But she's like, well, the guys that day freak out. The chick sucked a tremendous tuba. I mean, she was a savage. And she was beautiful. And I said, you know what? I don't give a fuck. You know, I kept meeting her on weekend and stuff. And then I moved to Thailand.

And I remember we spoke a few times, and she said she was going to come visit me, and we lost contact, and that was it. But she had skin tags all over her back. Dude, when I was in first grade, I woke up one morning with 100 skin tags under my own, right? First grade. Now, you know I exaggerate stories, but I'm telling you, I was in first grade, I had 100. You just woke up one day? One day. Now, you could take those off.

My doctor can't. Doctor can take them off, yeah. So I have a, it's a hundred. and my mom notices them and says, what is that? I said, I don't know, it just showed up. So they take me to a doctor. I'm in the first grade. And the doctor raised my arm.

And I'm telling you every single one of them, you put a drip of acid on and it burned them. And it was so fucking painful. And what's worse is it looked like raw meat under my arm because they all came off. Like he'd acid, put acid, and then clip them off or whatever. And I, in first grade, I remember I got, I got just about any present I wanted for like, I remember I got a lone ranger, uh, action figure. I got the stretch arm strong.

I got all this shit because it was like raw meat under my arm and I've never had them since, but that I remember just fucking, what was those things? Someone told me cancer. I think it's like friction or somebody. It's, I get some, sometimes I'm getting them on my neck. I don't have any now. No, no, no. A skin tag is something that comes out.

You ever see those. Yeah. Yeah. She had those things that come on, hair grow out of them. You become an old lady. Oh, no, a mole. A mole. A mole.

Like the brown. Oh, it's so much worse as the skin tag. Yeah. No, it's so. Oh, she has moles all over her back. Yeah, you know those things that hair grow out of her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She had those everywhere.

Oh, fuck. And I'm trying to pet her back. And she's looking my nuts. Leave your shirt on. It was a nightmare. Dude, I hooked up with a girl with a lot of moles. And she was gorgeous, but just had a bunch of her. of moles and you know and she was she was probably a freshman in college i was a junior for first

junior year second junior year right when i was back from russia and i hooked up with her and she had moles and she was perfect but it says she was too young to not know you got to get rid of those you know like she was just in high school so now you know it's like your parents aren't going to say shit you got to be an adult before you go i'm going to get rid of this shit on my neck and so but i couldn't i couldn't get past the moles the moles are different than skin tags. Burr crash, you and I have a similar thing,

only I had more film and TV credits. And that made it even more frustrating. Because when I moved to this town, the guarantee was you shoot four episodes of a TV show, and now on the weekends you go out and you saw it. Yeah. It was that simple. Yeah.

They didn't need to know who you were. They didn't need to know what your name was. It was guaranteed. When I first started going on the road with Joe Rogan, you're only fucking people who used to walk. Really? I remember one specific argument. He got into me, him and Chris McGuire.

Somebody came up to him and she goes, you're a fraud. You're not Joe from news radio. And he's like, are you fucking kidding me, lady? And she's like, what you were saying in there was, you know, misogynistic, whatever women get pissed off about. And he told me, goes, what happened? What happened? Nobody picked you to play handball.

Get the fuck. I mean, Joe was crazy too back then. There used to be those heckler. to get a lot of heat back then because they want to see the guy. I can't imagine what America's most funniest videos guy did. Oh, God. He's going up there talking

about finger banging babies and shit. Fucking the Olson twins. Yeah, and their family, you know, their families are going to see him like, we're going to see the guy from family videos. He's going to show his cat falling off a thing. And the next thing you show down there, and this is what it's eliminated. But to get back to the original

conversation, I had the same problem, man. And I didn't know what the equation was. Nobody knows what the equation was. And I was just telling these guys an idioticad day that I was doing a podcast with Felicia. You know, we're just feeling out our way, trying to keep it topical. No, we agreed on nothing topical so it couldn't be dated. Yeah.

So we were talking and I couldn't figure it out. And Felicia got those black things to put in front of the microphones spitcatches. Yeah. And I'll never forget that I just went into a story. You ever go into a story and you go into the story? You're there for the moment. Yeah. And I'm into the story and I'm talking about mugging a hooker

and that she took a fucking switchblade out and went to cut out. And all of a sudden all three of my friends started punching it. She was blocking. And she's like, get me out of the car. And I'll never forget looking at Felicia. And one of the processes looking at her and her jaw was wide open. and I started laughing my ass on and she called me that night and said,

do you really want to leave this story on there? And I go, you know, we don't have that story on and that podcast goes kaput because the half hour after that, that's all we discussed. And that Sunday, it was 10, 10 of 10,

it was October 10th of 2010. Yeah. I was going to tape a CD itself. I was not prepared at all, a special. In fact, Damon taped it. I was not prepared at all. I just was taking a hunch, and I put it on the podcast. I was taping the special.

I thought 13 people would show up, and I'll never forget being in on the 101 in the phone rate, and it being sound going, bro, you've got 100-something people in there. I'm going, Sal, why are you lying? He goes, no, you have 100 people in there. And me walking in there and going, tell us to hook her. And that was it. Like, that was, for a year, I had to tell that story.

Yeah. For a year, I closed it that story. And people fucking, some people loved it. And some people fucking hated it. But there was no deviating from the truth. There's no deviation from, you know, she got in the car. She took a switchblade out and went to cut my buddy. And all of some, we punched it 10 times.

And I had it raw. Like, in the end, the truth was, We were just trying to take Coke money from her. Yeah. So she was like, I ain't giving you my money. And we took it to the cemetery. We're going to kill you right now. And she goes, okay.

And she opened up a pussy and out came a little ball. Like a, she took, she took the, you have any bills on you? She took her money. And she hit it into like a Chinese, what's those Chinese things that people play with? Origami. Origami. It was like, thank you. Look at the 20.

Lee with a 20. Look at this guy came out and he covered his eyes. This fucking guy hasn't seen sunlight in weeks. He's Jewish. Look at the guy. Look at Ben Franklin. He came out and he covered his eyes. Is that Ben Franklin?

What's his name? Yeah. What's his name? No, that's Hamilton. Who's under 20? I think Hamilton was black and wrapped. No. This guy, look at him.

He's still going, Jesus Christ. I haven't been. Where was I? Alaska? But she had the money this small, like this small. And she goes, you motherfucker going? my money. Are you going to have my money? She opened up her legs and this

fell out of her twat and it was like a candy. You ever have those Christmas peanuts? They're like $60 coated in like pussy juice and condom residue and fucking after birth and whatever she had in the pussy. And I remember we got

in the car and like we didn't want to touch it. We're like, all right, let's go to the Coke dealer's house and like going to his house and giving him going to go, ill. So we had to take the outside money and put in the middle because it had the pussy juice and vaginal dischar thank you I'm watching you who does that trick oh heads I win tails you lose yeah was who's that Ralph Crand oh yeah as I win tails I win tails I went tails you lose you just heard that conxed I got you with that

a couple of times. The heads I win tells you lose. God damn it. That's beautiful. Your special was phenomenal. Thank you. I wish you all the success. I wish you stay safe.

I want you to promise me and do a little workout when you're on the road. Yeah. And not staying that thing, you know, take care of yourself. You know, I've never, ever, ever called you an alky or anything

because you're not an alky. The reason why I love you, you remind me a lot of my mother. Lee says to me, I don't know how you got smoked I don't fucking day because I'm a functioning fucking addict. Even when I was doing eight balls to seven in the morning, an hour's sleep,

you still got to go to work, bitch. Yeah. So I would get up and I'd still hear the twitches in my neck from the electricity from the cocaine. We were talking about last night it was Mercy's birthday. And Lee came over when we, you know,

at 6 o'clock, we got a carbell cake. She turned 6. and we were talking about how I can never pass a driving test. Do you know that? I have never officially passed. That's how stupid I am. You never passed a driving? Never.

The first license I got, it's like your brother owned the driving school. Yeah. So all I'd do was give him 50 bucks, and he just gave me a license. Like a beginning thing. So I'd have to take the driving test, the written test. Yeah. So all I had to do is take the driving test, and that's how I got my New Jersey license. But then my Colorado license, I was telling Lee last night that C-Ribson.

Seattle, I failed four times. The driving test. Yeah. And in Colorado, I only got it because I lived in Besalt. And everybody would say, go to, it's like living in North Hollywood and having a fucking DMV that's always empty. Yeah. But people would tell you, go to the one in Hollywood, even if it's packed because the guy's an asshole and you're going to fail anyway. And I'm like, I'm not going to Glenwood Springs to take a fucking driving test.

I'm going to that guy. Yeah. And I'll never forget walking in there, and I walk in. There's a guy with long hair, and this guy's got all his army medals in the back. He's retired. He's still got the Marine hairdo. And the guy came up to him, like with the driving test. And he looked at him, where the hell did you learn to Sprill?

And the guy's, fuck you, man, it's true. Everybody says you're an asshole. I shouldn't have came here. So this is my minute to act. The guy goes, fuck you. You want to fight. He tells the old guy. This is the old guy gets up.

He's an old man. He still got up, because he's a Marine. He got up like, yeah, I'll give it to you. And I got in the middle. I'm like, fuck you, punk. And I pushed the guy, and I threw him down the stairs and shit. We got into it. Then I came up, and the guy said, that wasn't necessary.

And I go, I respect people. You can't hit people with white hair and all this shit. So you go, shut up and take your test. I mean, the guy was just a capital. Oh, fuck. He was like the guy from the platoon leader in the platoon. Yeah. Just the same way.

Yeah. Same attitude. This yours or mine. Yours. Yes. So once I stuck up for the guy He After I took the test

Like I had done okay or something Maybe I got like 10 wrong And he goes Let's see how you drive it is So he took me I borrowed my friend's station wagon Because you couldn't You weren't allowed to bring

Fucking foreign cars to him He would fail you automatically That's how much of an American he was You're like don't bring a chain Don't show up there with a Toyota or Nissan Because he will fail you off the bat Don't even think of showing up with a Hyundai.

Because that's when 20 years ago when Hyundai first came out, white people were on a rampage. Like people like your father's father, because Hyundai built Megs, the engines and Megs that drove Americans crazy

during World War II. Those Americans, till this day, still believe that. You know how many when I was selling Chrysars, how many geeses came in and said, lift the engine on that? If they saw Hyundai, they would go, bye. and Hyundai is basically in every car.

Really? There's a piece of a Hyundai in every car. Hyundai is the number one engine built. So you buy a Nissan? It's probably built by fucking Hyundai. I've never owned an Asian car. So that's why all those old Americans, when they come in, they would look at Hyundai and go,

I'm not buying no fucking. My dad would never buy an Asian car because of his dad. Yeah, totally. And I would, and I just never bought an Asian car. I don't hate Asians. I don't have any Asians at all. It's just a traditional thing. It's like, yeah, you either get an American-made car or you can go German.

That's what my dad said. Like, not like, set it down, but my dad either drove like a Lincoln or a Mercedes. I won't drive German out of respect for the Jews. Really? Yeah, I will never get a German. Oh, I know my BMW. This fucking moron drives the Volkswagen. You drive a Volkswagen?

Only in L.A. It's German. It's cheap. I got it a few years. These Jews, love that BMWs. Me, I still hold the torch. You understand me? I'm not even Jewish.

Yeah. I hold the torch. Go to Israel. It's full of Mercedes-Benz. That's all they have. believable. God bless their souls. They fucking sold their soul in Mercedes. The taxis or Mercedes.

I would have a fucking heart attack if like one of my uncles was in Auschwitz and you showed up in my house with a BMW, I would fucking kick you out of there. I would take it that person. Like when I see Auschwitz survivors on TV, like I just start crying. Yeah. Like when they're just being

there for the week. So I don't want to deal. I don't have nothing against Germans. I just, I don't like mingling Germans and fucking that's just a bad mingle I don't like when there's a German in the room and a Jew in the room in fact the exorcist that's how the fight starts really because one of the arguments starts over when she comes down in peas that's why she starts because the guy keeps calling the guy a Nazi oh really in the beginning the first scene where they haven't seen that a while they're playing the piano

and they're all singing the butler is is German and One of the guests is Jewish. He's an actor. And he keeps busting his balls. I wasn't over there in the concentration camps and all this shit. He's doing that to the Jewish guy? To the German guy. Oh, yeah.

Finally, a German guy takes the Jew by the throat and chokes him. And then that's the guy that falls out the window. He's a director. And they couldn't figure out who killed him. They ruled out the butler. So it was the exorcist because they twisted his neck and then threw him down the stairs. There's no way of war. woman could have twisted his neck.

So they blamed the butler. It was really Linda Blair, the devil. Really? I don't even know why I'm telling you. But you didn't finish that driving story. So you had the station wagon. He gets in the car. He finally starts warming up to me. And he goes, come on, let's go off-roading. I'm going to show you with some beautiful country, God's country. And he shows me these deer drinking

fucking water and stuff. On the way back, he goes, I'm going to give you a license. because I started telling him I'm going to be a Marine he kept saying what are you going to do with your life I just finished rob in the house two days earlier he's like what are you going to do with your house and I'm like I'm here for residency in Colorado and I'm going to become a fucking Marine and kill people like that's my boy you know he started just yelling racist things

like just started yelling him in the car like kill everybody blacks Asian Spanish people I'm sorry you know like he was like fucking crazy one of those guys So that's how I got my license. I just remembered that last night when I was telling these nudge buds. Yeah, I had to take Georgia is going to be driving in like six months, four months. Isn't that crazy? George is going to be driving.

I can't wait. Have a fucking designated driver. Call her at 2 in the morning. I'm at the store. Come pick me up. I got school in the morning. Go fuck yourself. I pay for that school.

I buy you the car. Yeah. I can't. I can't let that little kid drive. She's not ready for the world. She's Georgia. She's a fucking... It would be hard to start in L.A.

She is such a fucking sweetheart and a good girl. The day I called you, I was just watching her. Now, where I come from, Bert, Bert, Bart, why come from Bert when you see your friends' kids, you get up,

you ask them how they're doing, and you buy them something. Yeah. You know, I saw a walk in, with her little skirt on, you know. And I said, I had Georgia. And she turned around.

She was in her girlfriends. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And she waved at me and she's like, hi. And I go, I just talked to your father. I saw it. She goes, oh, you know. But she was in her girlfriend.

I didn't want to be Uncle creepy. She told me. She told me. Because you called me. Yeah. I just want you to know, you got it. You did a great job with that girl. Yeah.

She's perfect. I'm watching it. Yeah. She didn't know I was watching. I was waiting for to pop a cigarette out to have a heart attack or something. She was tutoring some girl, like they were looking at books. Yeah. And she was helping the girl get tutored.

And when I went in to pee, I'm like, I should pick up her coffee or ask her if she needs something. But I didn't want her to think I was being Uncle creepy. Yeah. So I didn't say anything at all. But I would do anything for Georgia. I said to her, I think I called her that night. I think I was on the road. I said, hey, did you see?

no, no, she goes, she goes, I was at Maria C, I saw Joey. I said, you did? I said, you say hi? She goes, yeah, I said, hi. I said, what was he doing? She goes, I think you were smoking marijuana. That's why she didn't come over.

No, I was smoking cigarettes then. Yeah. I would go over there and smoke a cigarette with one of the writers. There's a writer that goes there and always asks me, I want to smoke a cigarette? So I smoked a cigarette with him. Yeah. I think he was smoking marijuana.

I go, yeah, you definitely saw Joey. Are you scared for you? daughters at any point in your life do you think about them when you're on the road yeah i'm afraid george is just such a sensitive like really like georgia is the kid for those of you that don't know like i i always tell stories about isela but georgia's the kid that when when mercy comes over to the house for christmas eve georgia tracks her the whole time stays with her plays with her takes her into the room, remembers the shit that she had as a little girl, and goes, hey, mercy, you want to try this? Hey, why don't I come up, hop up on the thing and play

the piano? And Mercy also, Mercy's like a comet. She comes into that house and that is her home. She goes into Isla's room, starts going through her stuff, just walks around, comes out, talks to everyone, makes herself a plate, sits up on her dad's lap. Dude, Mercy is a comet. She's a lot like, she's a mix of Isla and Georgia. Illa had that energy, but Mercy's also super sensitive. Like, very, like, there was another little kid there this year, and Mercy was taking the time to talk to her, make sure she's okay. And your kid fucking banged her head at the end of the night.

I know. I'm sitting there, boom, and when you hear boom, you just go. On a wood floor. You just do the side of the cross. I hope that ain't my kid, and the kid was in shock, you know. But it's weird when she comes over how. Mercy went, it's not, it wasn't me, no. Georgia does take care of Mercy.

Georgia does has that sympathy Ila don't give her fuck I love yeah Ila just I la locked her door I go what are you doing she goes mercy's here I gotta keep her out of my stuff dad I go Ila open your fucking door she the uh but yeah the Ila

I'm Georgia's just so sensitive she's gonna get her heart broke really bad first guy she falls in first guy she dates she'll fall in love with and just get her heart broke and I know that feeling says I'm that kind of person and that's don't be the fucking we just got to get her through that first

Obviously, if you don't know it, Georgia is you. Oh, yeah. Without the fucking Tito's. Yeah. Georgia is you without the Tito. She's very level-headed. I can tell that's how you were when you were younger. Yeah.

She... Does she walk to that fucking bus thing in the morning? No. You both drive both of them. Now, I worry about my daughters, and I worry about what would happen. Oh, Mercy's going to be so fucking fine. That kid... That kid's got that Oprah gene where, like, nothing's going to hold her back.

I'm reading this book called Coddling of the American Mind, and they're saying the phrase that kind of stuck with me was this phrase about this, I guess, guy that worked for Obama when they were talking about kids being oversensitive and getting outraged. And he said, I want to teach you to deal with adversity. I don't want to pave the jungle for you. I want you to be able to figure out the jungle. If I take all the weights out of the gym, it's no longer a gym. The weights are there because it sucks, and that's what you've got to do.

And there's certain kids, you need your kids to find adversity. And if I may have made any mistake, it's been trying to protect my kids and not let them run into as much adversity. I think that's a big fault of like the kind of parent I am. I think Leanne shows them more adversity. Says, you know, hey, if you want, go to Menchies. You girls go by yourself. And I'm like, no, there's kidnappers out there.

She's like, they're going to be fine. You did it when you were a kid. I was someone that can take adversity on the chin and deal with it. And Mercy's that same person. Mercy is, she's got your gene. I don't think so. Mercy is very sensitive. Really?

She runs around our parties like literally like she's selling cars. Like she just is so rough and tumbled. Do you remember one of my favorite stories, is my favorite story about your daughter. We talk about this. Once a month, this comes up with my friends. Two Christmases ago, I get drunk super fast,

and I'm too drunk. And so I go into my closet to take a nap. I take a 15-minute nap. I disappear for 15 minutes. I wake up and I realize I need to jump in the pool. I need to get, I need to sober up. I'm going to jump in the pool. So I throw on a speedo.

By the way, there's like 60, people at my house, right? Joey's family, all our friends, all the kids, I throw on a speedo, I come running out, and I jump in the pool, and immediately Ila jumps in the pool. And then this kid Carter jumps in the pool. And then this kid Max jumps to them. Then Georgia jumps to the pool. Everyone starts jumping in the pool. And all of a sudden, you see Mercy. And she's looking at the pool. And Joey goes, are you going to do it? And she sprints up to the pool and stops. And she goes, no, no, no, daddy. It's too cold. And Joey goes, come on, Mercy. And she goes, and everyone's going mercy.

And she starts looking around, almost like Hulk Hogan, like, oh, oh. And then goes, no, no, no, no. And then turns to Joey, smiles and jumps into the pool. It is so damn cold. What did she say before she jumped? What did she say? Hold my ring. She took, she had clothes on, sneakers, the whole thing.

Hold my ring. And out of the whole thing, she goes, okay, daddy. She looks, she looks, she goes, hold my ring. And she jumps in And we fucking die Dude the fucking place Lost it You gotta realize

There's 20 kids in the pool And we got this one like Five year old On the edge I mean working the crowd Like Hulk Hogan Like should I give him the pile driver And everyone's like

Come on mercy She goes no no no no And then all the mom's like You don't have to And she's like Look at Joey hold my ring And just jumps The place went fucking nuts

I thought Because she was at the tip and you can see her little fingers are moving. She was nervous about it. She wanted to jump in. She had peer pressure on her. She wanted to swim. You know,

she wanted to prove a point. But if I know Mercy's little head, something was going on. Yeah. And finally she let us know, hold the ring. Hold my ring. Forget the sneakers.

Forget the socks. Forget my underwear. Forget the pants I got on the shirt, the jacket. Oh, forget all that shit. It's just hold the ring. Dude, that made us. And then this year she came over and I go,

hey, mercy, you jumping in the pool tonight? She goes, oh, no. Because she didn't know it was going to be as cold as it was. She jumped in and it's like 50 degrees. And she popped up just, you know, that look you just, when you're home by you get your fucking bones. Oh, no. I worry about my mercy a lot.

I worry about how to raise her, how to, you know, you see these girls in Hollywood. And you've seen, you've been here alone. Yeah. And you see that hole. You see that hole and you got to figure out how to fill that fucking hole, you know. Yeah. When women come up to meantime and they want to be a star, that's not normal.

You know, there's got to be a work pattern. It has to be all these things. And there's times I like her at her school, but there's times I don't like that school because of who else goes there. Other than the parents. And what they're talking about. It's like to how Josh will say. They pulled his kid out of the school when he went to a kid's party and the alligator before he got killed was there. Steve Irwin?

Yeah. He goes, I went to a kid's point when they went to carpenter. Yeah. Because I went to a kid's party. And the guest was Steve Irwin with the alligator's there. And he goes, and then I took my kid out of that school when he had a party and they gave away bags at the end, a party favors. Yeah. And the kid looked at the bag and threw it back.

at Josh. And he goes, last party we went to, they gave us Nintendo's. Like the games, or the those expensive games. Yeah. And Josh is like, I got to pull her out of, that I've got to pull him out of that, this environment. But I try to toughen her up. I show her narcos.

She watches narcos with me. I had her watching sopranos a little bit. She doesn't get the curse word. She won't say him. Yeah, cat's been dead a week. She hasn't said a word. My wife asked me today, what are you going to do?

I go, you don't think she's noticed it. I go, she's noticed it. She just doesn't want to go there. Yeah, that's fine. What am I going to do? I can't force her to go there. Cat has, cat slept in her room every day. All of a sudden, he hasn't been around.

She has not said to work. It's weird, how smart they are. But she's been talking about my mother a lot lately. Really? Yeah, the other day I was at the desk. She came into my office, looked at my office, looked at my, mother's picture of me and she goes dad I got to clean that picture and she took the picture and I gave her a handy wipe and then she goes I gotta do the frame too your

mother likes it when you do the frame I'm just looking at it going God damn it you know this is starting to catch up on her so I don't know what she's put together she knows her grandmother's dead but she hasn't said shit about Harry in a fucking week we uh uh Amy Schumer killed our hamster. We've, this was a long time. What about movies?

No, no. No one of her movies. A long time ago was way before she was famous. We've done a TV show together and I always liked her and she's a really sweet person. And Leanne and her got along and my sister's got along with her. And it was like, you know, she kind of, she kind of looks like Georgia a little bit, blonde hair. And so, and so Leanne will call her and say, hey, we're going out of town for the month.

If you want our apartments open, we're going to go back to Georgia. Come out here, use our apartment. You birth sisters are down the street. And, you know, all I ask is you watch the pets. You're still tight with Amy? No, I haven't talked to her in nine years. Why? I don't know.

I think people get famous and they just... Is that what it was? Was there a disagreement? No. I mean, this is a person that slept in your house. Yeah, yeah. You have a relationship with your wife. Really, really close relationship with your children and everything.

Boyfriend will come over for dinner. This is Anthony? No, the one before that. Okay. And so we have the sick hamster you got to give a shot to. In order to give a shot to the hamster, you have to take it skin, pinch it. In that area you pinch, you put it in the pinched area. And so it doesn't, doesn't.

Anyway, Amy gives it a shot and it's in the spine. And it dies. It leaves a note on the table. The girls can't read. Just note on the table. Hamster dead. Calls me, hey, I think I fucking killed your hamster. I'm so sorry.

We're like, no, it's totally fine. You know, it's not, it's totally get it. It was a complicated hamsterer that you got to have diabetes. You had to give it shots. We get it. It was not going to live forever. So we take the hamster down. We're living in an apartment.

We can find a little patch of grass where we had buried other fish. Like, you know, so we go to bury the hamster. And we go, um, and Leanne, the girls are old enough. And Leanne says, uh, it's time to say goodbye to Cinderella. And they go, where's Cinderella going? and we're like, oh, Cinderella's going to heaven. And they're like, wait, what's heaven? And we're like, well, Cinderella's died and she's going to heaven.

And Ila goes, do I know anything else that's died? And Leanne goes, actually, yes. She goes, remember our cat, Mufasa? And Ida goes, yeah. She goes, Mufasa died. And I go, and Georgia goes, wait, wait, wait, Mufasa's at the hospital with Grandpa. Lian's like, oh, grandpa's dead too. girls are we wait hold on hold on

was grandma dead like grandma's dead everyone's dead all these people that you thought were in the hospital they're all fucking dead and they melt down they're like a lot of things are dead girls and they have that realization yeah Amy was I used to be good friends with Amy

you know you met it back in New York and you Boston comedy comedy we did a show together for for Comedy Central Comedy Central called Reality Bites Back me her Tiffany Haddish Theo Vaughan, Chris Fairbanks, Red Grant, Donnell Rollins, Mo Mandel, Kyle Seas, and who am I fucking forgetting? Jeff Garcia was in it.

And then one more, there's one more that I'm forgetting, I apologize. What was the show about? It was, we took every episode, we did a, it was a reality show, but every episode parodied another reality show in a comedic way. So like, remember the show you think you could dance? so you think you can dance, but we did so you think you could dive. And so we did a diving competition that was like a mashup of the dancing. We did The Bachelor, but we did it with our moms, you know, like it was like they parry to parody everything. It was interesting because it paid a lot of money.

I want to say it paid like $8,000 an episode or $10 an episode. And we all got excited, but then when we got there, we realized if you got kicked off, you no longer made the money per episode. So it got oddly competitive. So very quickly, like, that very quickly, like, never. very first episode, everyone stopped being friendly and started competing, except for like a handful of us. Like, Donnell, Red, Amy, me, like a smaller group.

I think Theo, none of us got competitive. We were all just chill. We were all hanging out. And she was great, man. I remember I was in Portland one weekend and she walked up on stage. She was doing the theater. She was doing like the big theater. I guess I'm doing it this weekend.

but she came in and hopped up on stage with me. And then we ended up partying at the strip club next door, going back to my hotel room. Me, her, Mark Norman, my feature. A couple people we met at the club, Jeff Will's from Live Nation. We all partied my hotel room. And then I met her at the airport the next day.

It was a Sunday night. We all met at the airport on Monday morning and we drank at the airport, flew back to L.A. She was great, man. I think you just get so famous that, I don't know, that I don't know. I really don't know. I just haven't talked to her.

To a guy like me, there's no explanation to it. Yeah, but... If you broke bread with me at one time, listen, we can't be super tight. Yeah. But there's got to be that twice a year call, you know, in my world, in my world,

even if it got that busy where your phone... Yeah, but that's us. That's us. Like, I don't... None of us. I mean, think of how big Joe is. I text with Joe. all morning, maybe 20 tweets, texts back and forth to each other.

And that's Joe. He's also got fucking Elon Musk on the podcast with fucking Kanye West. He's one of the biggest. But we all text to each other all nonstop. I think that's us now is different. You know, like, I don't know. This is a story that I've heard 200 times from 200 different comics, about 200 comics that have made it.

that one time they were tight and one day the phone didn't start ringing. Robin Williams gave all his friends 5,000 and said lose my number. That blows me away when someone says you go, hey man, let me get your number,

I'll give you a text and they're like, ah, you know what, call my assistant, and you're like, huh? Yeah. And you're like, I'm sorry. I don't need to talk to you don't know. Yeah, I'm like, no, man. There's the people that I put on the podcast and they've contacted me and said,

when you can you do my podcast and I'll say tomorrow and they'll go okay my assistant I'll go no stop right there yeah when I put you on my podcast and they do not like it people who have an assistant want their assistants to do everything I can't stand that shit I can't it doesn't I only fuck with the comics like my friends like friends are guys I could call and it's not uncomfortable you know if you make me feel uncomfortable about call I call big j this morning because he got trapped in an elevator and he has footage of it. Dude, Big Jay got caught in an elevator last night at Sirius XM, but I don't know for how long,

but they, I saw the Instagram post and they had a camera viewing, filming the whole time, and it's with a bunch of strangers. And I texted Jaguar and knew that whole footage. But like Bill Burr, I can call. I could just call him and be like,

hey man, what are you doing tonight? Like, there are a couple guys that I know that aren't like that. And that's cool, but you're not going to be my friend. You know? If any more.

I mean, maybe when I was younger and I thought I needed people to help me get forward in the business, you know? But I'm not like that. If you're my friend, you know where I live. You've probably been to my house. You've probably been to one of my parties. You've definitely seen me black out.

And you've definitely gotten inappropriate texts from me. You know? It's crazy. Probably the first friend I had in this business was Seguera. I remember, I remember, I remember not to get like nostalgic, but when I had that fallen out with that one comic, you know, that kind of me and we had a fallen out.

And I was doing the Death Squad Chronicles or Ice House Chronicles and me and you were getting coffee all the time. And I remember one night I'm at the ice house and I'm getting ready to go on stage. We just done the Ice House Chronicles. And Tom had said to me, hey man, you need to like open up. Like, you know, Joey's a great guy, Ari's a great guy. Joe's great guy.

They're all trying to, like, they're all trying to reach out to you and connect, but you're really distant. I had a thing where I was like, I don't, I didn't trust anyone at that point. I just didn't trust people. I didn't trust people. And I was like, I don't need friends. I'll just, this is work. I don't need friends.

This is work. And Joe came up to me at the ice house. He had a shot of Jack and a beer and two beers, two shots of Jack and two beers. I'm getting ready to go on stage. I just got high. I'm a little buzzed. And he gives me the shot. And he goes, hey, you're a really good guy.

And we're all trying to be your friend. And I was like, cool. I'm just shut off. I'm like, cool. And he goes, no, I don't think you're hearing me. Like, we're all trying to be your friend. And you just let us be your friend. You know, we could all be friends.

And I was like, okay. And he goes, you understand what I'm saying? Like me, Joey, Ari, Tommy, we're all trying to be your friend. Let us be your friend. Yeah, lighten up. And everyone knew that I was shut off. You knew it because you were like, hey, we're having coffee every day for every morning for a month. As long as you're in town, every morning we meet for coffee.

I took that shot. I got my Uber to go home that night. And I thought, I really thought about it, driving back from Pasadena. I go, you know, you're a little high on that ride because you're buzzed. And I was like, I don't really have, even Tom wasn't my friend anymore. I shut everyone off. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to be vulnerable and let people be my friend.

And you were the very first one where I told you I was now going to think. And you're like, fuck that Cox, I go. Every morning, Maria, I see me and you. And me and you hung out every single morning for the entire month of October leading up to November 3rd. So on November 3rd, I had a birthday party that you guys all came to. I was turning 40. I was 39 years old.

And every morning we had coffee. And I was like, and I remember someone saying I was leaving because all the parents from our school were there. And they were who you? I was my friend, Joey. And then I was like, I just call someone my friend. And then Joe's like, hey, why don't you come out to my daughter's birthday? I came out there.

Tommy's like, hey, man, we need to start. hanging out more and I was like yeah and then Ari's like hey we should do a trip together and Leanne's like you you need that and all of a sudden I just opened myself up to having friends too is it changed my life it changed my life entirely and so when I now when I look at things like when I look with Amy I don't have anything negative to say about her I'm not I'm not mad at her but like I don't know I'm not probably ever going to be a friend you know because I look at it and I go I want people that we're cool for good like I can fuck up and you're still going to like me. I can, I can say the wrong thing and you're not going to like judge me.

You know, I've said fucking horrific shit to Bill Burr where he just goes, eh, that's Bert, you know. It's so funny, you know, I just, I guess you get older in this business. And you go, like, Big Jay texted me, not to out Big Jay. Like a year ago, he texted me, he goes, I'm so glad we're becoming friends. You know, like, it really means a lot. I think you're a really funny guy and you're fun to be around. Dude, I've, I've flew into last time I flew into New York I was supposed to fly in Monday and Big Jay texting me. He goes, hey, if you fly in Sunday, we go to my buddy Wayne's house and we watch internet videos and just get high if you want. And I was like, I'm flying this Sunday. I'm going to hang out with Big Jay. And it was fucking beautiful. It's the best thing, man. It's so nice.

Do you remember the time? One of my favorite memories of you ever. Do you remember the time? It was like a fall night. It was a fall evening. You guys had mercy was maybe like one, maybe two. And you called me up. You like, what are you doing? I said, I'm sitting in my front yard with the girls having a glass of wine. You go, I'll be over in five. You and Terry came over with Mercy. Me and you sat in those Adirondacks and all the girls played on blankets. I smoked a cigar and we had a glass wine and it was like, fuck, yeah, I'm so glad I have friends.

Fuck, it's so meaningful. Listen, there's acquaintances. There's friends. Then you have your brothers. Then you have your comedy brothers. Yeah. Your comedy brothers are very important. You can't turn on them.

You can't have any of the monseyssey towards. you really have to be happy for them and you're not going to have 20 of them you're not going to have 20 of them you're lucky if you have three or four of them yeah you know it's like I told you when you came in before the podcast I told you in front of your father I looked at you're torn

I'm concerned yeah just a little concerned you know I know you're going to make money you're not going to make money that's not my concern my concern of those two little girls at your house you follow me I want you to think big picture everything is big picture you need that in comedy

myself and Joe Rogan nothing bothers me more when people ask me for something for Joe Rogan because they do not understand the reason why we've stayed friends is because I never gone over that line there's a line in Hollywood

and since people do it to us all the time when one of our own try to do it to us it cuts like a knife you know I had a situation last week where I contacted somebody and I said I want to do something and next thing you know I'm headlining their show and I'm like I was doing it for free and you put my picture on and I say

can't do that you know treachery the people around you can't you have to be friend you know calmly needs that you need that with comedy you have to be able to call me on Saturday and go hey man can I talk to you about something I'm at this club with this manager and he told me last and I didn't sell out, but the whole back people were standing. And you need that. Yeah. I had Ralphie for years. Oh, yeah.

Every Saturday, no matter where he was, I got a call from Ralphie at 8 o'clock wherever he was. And we talked to 10, 15 minutes, and that was my therapy for the week. I knew I couldn't have him any more than that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I mean, Ralphie got huge. He never threw me out to the dogs.

No, Ralphie, as big as Ralphie got, man. Big as Ralphie got. called me up, go, I just made some barbecue sauce player. Why don't we get the family together? Just come over, you know, an hour late. Look at Ralphie. He paid for Mercy's Crib. I just know what I'm calling him one time with a flat tire.

Just going, I just don't have the 30 bucks, right? Yeah. And he goes, where are you? And I go, I'm over here. And he goes, sit tight. And next, you know, a tow truck came, took it to Firestone. And when I picked it up, there was four new tires. and he did an alignment.

He was like in Alabama. You know, and he never mentioned it to anybody. He didn't say it on the podcast. He didn't embarrass me. That's what comedy friends do, especially when one lifts. One of us is always going to live. One of us is doomed to be Kevin Hart. And I say doomed.

I say doomed. One of us is going to be doomed to be Amy Schumer. One of us might be doomed to be Lewis C.K. I'm not talking about sexual references or anything. I'm talking about a comic with a target on your back. That's what happens. The difference between being a comic and there's a difference between being a comic with a target on your back. Man, I don't think, I don't think anyone's had a big, maybe Louis's target right now, but Amy's target was massive.

Carlos Menciers was huge. The only comic who made it out alive was Seinfeld. Yeah. Like, he's the only one that went out to the sunset. Still making $53 million a year. still doing what he does every year. But when you have that, it's like being the mob boss.

You're in my boss. No matter what Lee does, your responsible for it. When you have that target on your back, I never got into this business to have that target on my back. I'll be very comfortable staying right under the radar. Let me do theaters this size

for like two more years. I'll be cool. And if I go back to clubs, I'm very cool with that. That's why I said to you about the garden. I don't know. I didn't think about it that way. I didn't think about it that way.

I'm thinking about the whole experience. Yeah, well, it doesn't really matter where we sit, because we're going to be watching him on the monitor. I don't like that sentence. Yeah. I don't like that sentence. Those tickets are $160. I'm not talking about Sebastian.

I'm talking about anybody in general. I wish only the best for Sebastian. I always think of that brick wall. That's what comedy is about. Yeah. And somewhere along the line, we tricked it. The agents tricked it. It became more about money.

Again, the reason why you became a comic job, Burt was not to have a day job. When you go on these long tours, it becomes, I never want you for it to be a job. I thought the comics, keep your fucking nut low because someday your numbers are going to go low. Now you're going to have to go out. Yeah.

There's a big difference thing. going out and having to go out. When I have to go out, I saw it with Bobby Slayton with that big house in the mountain. It went from him going out and having a great time and drinking to going out to keep the lights on in the house. That's not good. That's a job. So it's always great to have friends and comic friends.

I want the friends I have. I like Joe because Joe told me when I'm slipping. I do the same for Joe. Joe and I come from a complete two different backgrounds. We both have the same passion for stand-up. That's why me and Joe are friends because we both respect it.

We respect it. You know, I've learned, how much have we learned from Joe? How lucky you go you to have a guy like Joe? Yeah. You know, I was the one that told him about Sunday. I remember when he had the baby. I said to him that Sunday, shit ain't going to work.

Fuck you. Pugh! Because there's nothing like fucking family dinner on Sunday. And I started doing it when I was dating Terry. Remember the first three years I'd dead it Terry. I'd come back New Year's Eve and I'd do the

Comedy Store and I'd see her that night. And then a week later I was back on the road again. With no whatever, who cares when I was coming home. And one day I got home, I think three or four years into it. I worked at Rocky LaPort in Dallas. And that Sunday was the longest Sunday of my life.

That whole week was just a long fucking week working with that guy telling me what to say and what not to say, how to say it. And then Sunday came. And I never forget waking up that Sunday going that Monday morning and going, this is the last Sunday I ever work again. And I've never worked a Sunday since. And I was a feature act. I was a feature act

and I made up my mind. And before the podcast world started getting big, the funny bones called me and made me an offer. Wednesday through Sunday, $1,500, no plane ticket. And I remember calling them back and going, I'll do all the weeks,

but you got out on mid-sunday. And they go, well, then we'll give you $1,200. I go, well, I put a $400 plane ticket. I'm walking with eight. And I ain't selling T-shirts. You think I'm going to sit back there with a fucking glasses? No.

And I said, no, I'd rather not work. You know, you have to stick to your decision in this business. And once you go back, I don't even know how we got in this conversation. I really don't matter. I'm getting to tail end of the refill. Let's wrap this tomorrow clock out. When does the world tour start? Starts tomorrow in Portland.

And it ended June 29th in fucking Siberia. Yeah, I think they were trying to get it to end in Moscow. Really? Yeah. And what happened? It's really hard to do business in Russia. Really? Yeah, it's really hard.

I was like, yeah, do it in Moscow. I get a bunch of people to fly out, do a small club. So you're going to end in Brisbane. You're going to have a huge audience in 10th Planet in Brisbane because the barkers live there. Yes. So I'll let Frankie Barker know you're coming. They'll bring you some fucking reefer. Yep.

They'll take good care of you. You're doing Minneapolis. You got Green Bay. I got Toronto, Ottawa, Indianapolis. Red Bank, New Jersey. Look at you. You sold out the first one. Philadelphia.

Where are you at in Philly? I mean, Keswick, I think. Keswick. Keswick? Just outside Philly. You're doing Nantucket? Do, I know, I don't think so. Nashville.

Carolina's. Maybe that's Foxwoods, Mashing, Tucket? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, doing Foxwoods. Boston, Boston, Charlotte, North Carolina. Listen, go to a fucking bert, bert, bert, bert.com. Is that it? Burt, burt, burt.com.

Okay. Burt, burt, burt.com. That's what your wife says, burt, burt, burt, right. Yeah, there's, you get, all those first shows, sold out, but there's tickets available for most of the second shows. So I'm happy you came out today, bro. I love you, Joey. I'm at the Brea Improv, January 24th through the 26th.

That's all I got in January. Then February, I got one night in Treasure Island in Vegas, the 22nd, the 23rd. I'm at the Fox Theater, I think, in Tucson, and Valentine's Day. I'll see you cocksuckers up in San Jose at original motherfucking Joe's like a doctor. All right, I want to thank Burke Kreisher. I want to thank the Christ killer. Most importantly, I want to thank you guys for all the love and support that you give us. Don't forget, I'll be at the Braille Improv January 24th through the 26th.

I've put up my 56th and still slinging dick post up. A lot of you guys are getting tickets. Thank you very much for the support. But don't forget, the church of what's happened now also has support. And one of those companies is Robin Hood, and I loved them. My wife loves them. Robin Hood is an investor app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFs, options, and cryptos or commission-free.

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it's a pleasure and honor to be able to come here twice so we can talk to you fucking savages like I am your uncle because in reality I'm the best fucking uncle you got again I want to thank Bert I want to thank the Christ killer

my main man Lee Syatt who fucking destroyed last night in the comedy store I want to give him his props garnet even fucking hit me up this morning and said Lee did very fucking well that he went to the store just to see Lee so I want to congratulate him

but most importantly I want to thank you guys for always having our backs, supporting my tours, and listening to the podcast. You know, I'm sincere, and I mean it from the heart. Without you guys, I got who got. So do me a favor. Enjoy the podcast. Have a great weekend. And we'll see you Monday morning,

tip-top Magoo, ready to fucking go, all right? Kick this fucking Mulee. You want my love, and you can deny. You know it's true, but you try to hide. Yeah. You turn down love.

like it's really bad And yeah Well bless your soul You're in full of food Not so You can't pretend There's nothing bad Girl are looking your eyes