The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #649 - Agostino Zoida

Episode Date: January 14, 2019

Agostino Zoida, a comedian, writer and host of the "Home Schooled" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Squarespace - start your free trial today. When you're ready to build your website go to www.squarespace.com/church for 10% off your first domain or website.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 01/13/2019.
  

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The website starts with Squarespace. Head to Squarespace.com right now for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use the promo code church, and save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. All right? Take that, Mulee. It's Monday, the 14th of January. Hit it! What?

It's the motherfucking basics, bitch. The Agostino Zoyder, my main Christ killer, and America's uncle, Uncle Joey D in the fucking house, ready to rock on a Monday morning. You're thinking, fuck, I got no energy today. Well, guess who's here? It's not the queer, you know what I'm saying? Hit it.

Kick that meal lead. I'm gonna teach you how to sing it. Come on and show you What? Listen to me, baby, that's all you got to do. Oh, shit. Monday morning, you're sitting there thinking, what the fuck is my next step? Listen, everybody had a hard week last week.

That week going to work after two weeks of confusion, Thursday and Christmas. It's a motherfucker. If you had a rough week last week, guess what? I had a hell of a fucking week last week. By Friday, I was just burnt the fuck out. I was just burnt out mentally, emotionally, psychologically. I went to fucking acupuncture and thank God for Chinese people. Before Jesus walked the earth, he put me back.

He put 2,000 needles in me. I went home, I drank water. I walked up since Saturday morning. I had to take a piss. I thought I had to wear a gas mask in there. It's not like fucking Korea from, you know, when they make the bombs and shit in Korea. I thought it was going to die. That motherfucker took all the toxins out of my body, all the money.

Malook. And I had a great day, Saturday. I had a great day today. And Monday is a beautiful day to be alive. The Agostino, what's going on? What's up, man. How are you doing? The Agostino's the fucking host of the homeschool podcast.

Why? Because he was homeschooled. That's true. Now he's got problems and he wonder why. And then you got this fucking mook d'allor over here. How are you, my friend? I'm doing beautiful, Jim. You're looking good, man.

The Agostina, the reason I have you here is because I'm proudy. Thank you. You know, people, I don't know what it is the last three or four years. I just had a long conversation with a woman yesterday who approached me as a marketing chick and turned out to be a chick living in her car that needed money on Christmas Day. And she said that she wants to be an actress. and I told her it's a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll

and really just I could tell the crowd she was hanging around with by listening to her she said to me that a guy like to me could give her a referral into an agency and that the agency would pay

for your headshots and all that stuff and then they would put you on the fast track and I'm looking at this girl first I thought she was high on something Yeah. And I took her earbeat and something like that. And then she became my Facebook friend.

And yesterday, like, I had to write a long Facebook message. Like, she inferred to me that I talked to friends doing projects and stuff like that. And I go, number one, the great thing about living in this town is it's a journey. And number two is, I can't take your acting classes for you. I can't make those situations for you when you're uncomfortable, when you learn how to audition. You know, I wouldn't send somebody off the street to audition unless they fit the part.

Sometimes it's better just to get a regular Joe for three or four lines to give that scene authenticity. But in my world, here in SAG, there's a lot of actors that are trying to work. I can't see that happening anymore. You know, I know people with tremendous resumes that aren't fucking working. And there's more TV than ever. You know, everybody's making an original fucking entertainment, but nobody's working.

But that's not the situation here. I saw you, first of all, I'm watching Lee's progress. Okay. At the same time, the last couple of years, I've been watching you, you know. Three or four, I met you nine years ago. Yeah. You were a young kid at the Ha Ha ha, and you would put me up at night with no drama, nobody would bother me.

You tell me when to go there, 10 minutes later. I was up, I'd walk out. There was no podcast. Nobody knew about a podcast then. Right. I was just working on Gabe Burglase's thing and the whole fucking deal. And after a few years of you working at the Ha Ha, ha, which is a comedy club in North Hollywood that's been this as Jesus of Chicago.

They recently moved to a new location that's very nice and stuff. And it's a great club, whatever. It fits a different need than the comedy store, the laugh factor, the improv. It has its complete different flavor, just how flappers has a complete different need. When you walk into flappers, they don't have fucking Whitney Cummings there on a Tuesday night and Sebastian and fucking 18 other killers, you know. They have Whitney Cummings doing a guest of the new stuff, and that's it. And comics you've never seen or heard from them before.

I'm not putting them down anyway. But I saw you, you know, work at the fucking thing, and then you work. You lived with the Arabian chick. You were married to me. Right, right, right. With the CBD, the OCD problem. You couldn't touch glass. You couldn't pee in the house.

You couldn't take your shoes off. You had to sit there and she'd spray lice all on you every eight minutes. Shit. Where does the time go, man? That was crazy. That was crazy. We went over there for Christmas to one year and I had to yell at Lee. There's not going to snow.

Lee, get on a fucking plan. I'm with the girl. I'm going to dron. Oh, that's right. That's where it was. I made lasagna. Yeah, I got sick. You put that Lee meat in it.

You almost killed me. Yeah. I'm in Boston, the girl, I'm going to marry. I'm like, Lee, get on a plane before I shoot you. The girl, you got to marry. You just met her four weeks. I don't remember saying that. She lived in the tent.

That's exactly what you said to me. There I was married. That's why you got me yelling and screaming. Jesus. Because he goes, I'm here in Boston, showing the girl. I'm going to marry that. Nice home play. I don't give a fuck what you're showing it.

All you need to show is your dick and play Spanish music and take it back to Mexico. That's all you need to do. Get home and do the podcast, but that was you were living with her. Then you got a divorced. Yeah. And then you hooked up with some fucking chick. I'm like, what is he doing?

Is this guy retarded? He just got out. And then you quit the ha-ha. Yeah. Which for people who don't know about this, this is the biggest transition in your life it really is it's getting to a point in your life when you have to tell somebody you have to move on yeah some people leave a note and never call you some people but there's a day that you look at a job and you go you know what man i've done my time i've been a loyal servant I'm going to move on because I've seen every comic come through here.

I've asked every question, right? Yeah. You know, I worked at the comedy club. And it was my life. You definitely learn a lot. Like my job, I had to be there at five. I was there at a quarter of five, waiting for the comic to come in so I could ask me if he needed water.

And then I would ask him questions, how's the road? Oh, it sucks, man. I got four kids. I got to pay child support. I'm also a school teacher, so I got to get back on the car and drive to New Mexico tonight. Damn.

And teach at school late in the morning. You know, you talk to all these different type of comics. You get to see it from a perspective that a lot of people don't see it. You're working at a club. You know, on TV, you see a guy for 20 minutes. He seems like a sweet guy. He's funny. Meanwhile, in between shows, these fucking minors up the ass.

heroin in the green room and if you open up the door he'll get you fired man because he's one of those fucking guys we've seen it lately huh yeah yeah you know just a bunch of just mischief and green rooms and shit so you quit this job and it's funny i tell people this all the time and i did it i did it for a long time that transition for me was 1994 95 i was just starting to cover my nut with comedy what's covering my nut 800 a month I was pulling down 800 a month three four months in a row I would steal a lo-mo and bring it back or something at Kmart I always found ways to to help supplement my income my comedy income but in Boulder from like December of 94 to May of 94 I was between 800

in 900 a month just in 40s 50s and $100 bills maybe a 201 you know what I'm saying yeah that's how I made a living but at the same time I was still getting up and selling cars at a used car dealer in these cofax trying to squeeze out $3,000 and I was there physically but I wasn't there mentally like mentally I could not wait to get on the road. Yeah. Like I was ready. I was killing in all these rooms. I was doing 20 minutes.

I could either be like the rest of these guys and sit in this fucking circuit, or I could do something about it. I had a little fucking car that had everything you needed in there, you know. And I'll never forget going to the... No, I didn't have to tell the boss I quit. The car they get.

me as a demo blew up one day and i just left it down and walked away and he called me you fuck you cocksucker i just never went back and damn and i became a professional comedian was that in colorado this is in colorado and i never forget how scared i was and don't get me wrong i always did something everywhere like on the triple runs i would bring back tents at kmart you know this is not nothing to be embarrassed about this is how broke you get that you start doing, you know, when I got to Seattle, if I could sell Coke, I would sell an eight ball of Coke. I didn't give a fuck.

I was taking bets. I was doing whatever I had to supplement my comic income. Because in the beginning of the month, you all started zero. That's a very scary thought. I work on commission. I'm no different than any of you two guys. At the beginning of the month, I started zero. everything I bring in after that is cherries, grapes.

And then sometimes you bring home whipped cream. But every month, I started zero. We're not showing up to a job every day. We're not punching in. You punch in anywhere? You? Oh, you do. But I get the reference, though.

It's just really weird then. But in that time, I've watched you growing as a comic. Like, even with this day job, which I know you need to sustain. because you're married or whatever. Eventually one day you're going to have to give up this day job. Sure. So I'm talking to the other day, and I had heard it from Schubert. I had heard it from a couple people.

Somebody mentioned to me at the store that you killed one of the rooms one night, the Melly Room or something like that. Okay. And then Schubert said that you were getting really good. Yeah. I had a great week with him. And I sat there and I thought to myself, well, two years, you know, when you keep, when you tell somebody like when i tell when i when people come in here and they sit across

and lee's here and he's been doing comedy for a year and lee gets little breaks from time to time at the store the main room here or that i want lee to understand and anybody else like if you're an electrician and you you start as an apprentice the first year is murder the first year is the is fucking year of your life or in reality it's the easiest year of your life yeah because after that it gets really fucking hard and no matter what level you're at there's always going to be resistance at that level whether you work in the electricians you know let's say the electricians union right you have to you're uh let's say you start as a residential wireman that means your electrician's helper well basically that means that the electrician comes in

and says to you today di agostino i need this room wide so any of an outlet i need another outlet for lights and then you're going to hook up some type of panel and he leaves and basically he charges $48 an hour for that work but he pays you $8.50 an hour yeah yeah and even though you're getting fucked in the ass, this is what it takes to be an apprentice. You got to pay your dues. And then you get good at it. You know, you get good at it. Then one day the union hall sends you on a commercial job.

And you have to start bending pipe and making saddles. And you ever go into a room and you look at an outlet and it's got pipe going on it on? And how do you think that pipe was bent? Wait, that pipe came like that bent? No, you got to get a pencil and do math and measure and bend the pipe just perfectly. and fucking install it. It's a lot of work. When you do a bathroom,

you got to use your GFI outlets. So if the electricity is plugged into your rays when it falls in the water, the shock stops in the room. That's what that set. Those little buttons. Yeah, in the bathroom. But when you're an electrician, after three,

like after 90 days, I was wiring houses. And I'm a fucking idiot guy. But I took a course from the, the electricians the guy who did the inspections for the town so he taught me everything how to do in code so it was a three-month course

and the project was at the end you had a wire house but that was the final job so he would put me it's like to graduation yeah so he would put me and you in a fucking house that was under construction and he would make us wire

a room and I did such a good job but when I that night on the walk back he goes hey you want I get your job the nutrition's help and tomorrow just let me know and I go yeah make a call he got me a job so they started figuring out that all the jobs I did by myself the guy would pass because I was he was my I was a student mm-hmm so that what they would always though the rumor was whatever that guy comes to do an inspection just leave joy with him yeah don't even be here because he would walk me through the inspection and look at things and go where'd you learn that at a half yeah it was tremendous but my point is that i had a and even though i knew they were charging 40 to 50 an hour i was getting nine dollars you know and they were making money off me my point being

that working is hard but in every position you have to serve an apprenticeship and I've seen you do it. Yeah. You know, I've seen Dean Delray do it. You've been doing comedy longer than Dean. Yeah. That's crazy. I brought up, Dean, the first time on stage, I didn't open mic.

I didn't open mic. Yeah. And there's no time limit to getting exposure anymore. It used to be a lot longer than what it was than what it is now. Years ago, you had to come here and move to L.A. and getting to one of the clubs and fucking wait for HBO which comedy central

or one of them to give you a spot and once you got that type of exposure now you don't need that no more with the internet so people know what all three you motherfuckers look like you know what I'm saying like that they know what everybody looks like what I wanted to stress with this podcast

and why I'm so proud of you is that you went from a guy you quit this job you went from hustling little gigs, you know, again, because of your marriage and whatever, which I was against in the beginning because I wanted you to understand the concept of comedy. Comedy, when you go on stage, you're by yourself. Okay, I was watching the Sopranos last week,

and I was thinking about what a horrible life that you're hanging out with your friends, right? We're friends, right? And we do everything together. We steal together. We robbed trucks together and one day like an old man approaches us and says hey man You and fucking chubby over here and the fucking homeschooler have been making three four Gs robbing trucks You're with me now and all of a sudden we start robbing trucks with this guy and he gives this fucking now we're robbing big time trucks with 15,000 dollars a piece

And we're driving nice cars and shit and all of a sudden one day at Lee get It's a call that me and you gotta go meet fucking George Perez and shoot him in the head. And next thing you know, they're taking us to a room and they're putting a needle in our finger and we're in the fucking mafia. And next thing you know, that's what we do. Me and Lee are in the fucking mafia and we're shooting people and we're gambling every night. But somewhere along the night, one day you meet a girl and you get married and one day Lee meets a girl and he gets married. and when I meet a girl and I get married and now we start having kids

well guess what you still got to go out and shoot people yeah that's when it gets fucking weird when you still gotta go shoot people and come home and act like nothing happened and you gotta sustain a house like six seven eight Gs a month

plus the six you got to kick upstairs so to make this type of money you're booking you're selling heroin but at the end of the day you're going to a nice house. When you do comedy in the beginning, it's great to do, but it's harder to do with somebody at home.

Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's what I was against your marriage. I like Jen. Yeah, no, yeah. I just felt that if you were going to do comedy, if you quit the ha-ha, it was to do comedy.

It wasn't to do anything else. Like, go home to you, mom and go my I'm renting out that closet I'm giving you 200 a month for the closet I'll send it to you in a money order see you you know and I'm gonna go on the road for a year and make my name for myself and work these shitty fucking rooms and get ripped off and work for french fries and sleep in your car then you come back here and you now when you go to the improv and they tell you they don't want you who gives a fuck I know I paid my dues you know I'm

So you come back for two or three months and you go back out there for another nine or ten and you live under commando rules. You know what I'm saying? Very cheap. veggie and cheese sandwiches from subway you lose 30 40 pounds you work out at the hotels or no hotels or you bring weights for you in the trunk of your car I had a basketball in the trunk of my car a frisbee I had everything never to be bored when I first started coming you know

I didn't want Jen to go through that with you you know obviously you adjusted the game for yourself you got yourself a little day job and you just kept nipping at the bud Monday night you go to your boys' room Tuesday night MMA roasted has a room

next thing you know you're doing spots at the comedy store yeah you're not a regular but you're still at the store you're in the farm league right exactly you're not playing for the Yankees but you're playing for their fucking farm team

yeah and it's really weird how long have you been doing comedy for now in February it'll be 10 years this February February 4th yeah man It was, I mean, I got lucky. I mean, Jen's super understanding about everything,

but I never made the day job an excuse, because I knew that that would be easy to do is to go, I'm tired when you get out of an eight-hour shift, you know? I always make sure that I'm out even afterward. I mean, I tell you all the time. I sometimes I don't go home. I just go straight to whatever if I have a spot. I make sure I do two podcasts a week.

I mean, I realize that consistency is the fucking game to play. How old are you now? 30. 30. Yes, you're there where. you can't fuck around you start at 30 you start realizing what makes sense and what doesn't you don't you don't see the whole playing field but you at least start to make sense how has it been for you like with the day job and going out at nights i mean it's fucking rough i mean some days i am tired you know

it's exhausting but i mean i'm young what am i going to do you know i got to do it now i don't want to be doing it when i'm 50 i mean nights a week do you go out um four or five four or five and then always two podcasts a week. And, you know, I'm starting to see people telling me things like you're getting better. Like you told me I'm getting better. Schubert, everyone's starting to tell me, dude, you're getting funny, you're getting strong. And it's really nice to finally see it. You know, when I did those shows with him in Arizona, there was eight shows that we did in five days.

And every single show, at least one person came out from my podcast, you know. and it's finally great to start to get recognition because doing the podcast for like a year or more is like at one point I asked myself like what am I doing this for you know you start to see like the number's not really getting higher but I just gotta keep going so like that little bit of like people tell me bro you're getting really fucking funny

or people on Twitter going like oh great podcast I started to go like okay it just keeps me going like another year you know I tell people this is a game in 90 days when I was doing comedy it was a 90 day thing I didn't know nothing beyond 90 days nor did I want to know it yeah all I was worried about what this week is

I got a spot next week in Arizona I got a spot the week after that in Spokane you know I didn't worry about that long distant goal even though I had the goal where I wanted to be and where I wanted to end up I didn't think about it as much as the next

90 fucking days, you know. And I still remember having a day job and doing comedy at night. That was rough. Yeah. That was rough. Going home, taking a shower, sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes.

And sometimes going right to the gig at 8 and being the second comic up and then going home. Yeah. You know, and go. Or sometimes you rush all the way over there and you found your last. And then you fucking go home at 2 in the morning and then you follow, you're all wired up from being on stage. You got to try to fall asleep. If I was sleeping, I'd do the whole thing all over again. You know?

So when you did the thing with Schubert, yeah. Somebody approached you and said that if you put together something, they might be able to get you into a festival. Right. The biggest prestigious festivals in the country known for comedy. I've never been invited. Now they want me to go.

I've also never been invited. When I was struggling, nobody wanted to see me. Yeah, that's how it goes, right? And it's crazy how I thought about it last night. When I called you up to be on the podcast, I thought about it because, A, I was very proud of you. And B, yeah, people do things for the wrong reason sometimes. There was a guy that came on this podcast a lot that I loved dearly. Until this day, I loved dearly.

But I lost a piece of respect from when he told me he got rid of his podcast because it didn't do anything for his career. That's what the biggest misnomer is with these things. and it bothers the fuck out of me. I don't know how many nights I've sat here and I've bewildered Lee on why he hasn't opened the, if you open up a podcast school and call it, become the next Joe Rogan, it would be off the chains.

Your phone wouldn't stop. The fucking credit cards wouldn't stop pouring in. You know, remember 10 years ago, you came out here and I've said this before because of SNL. And you join groundlings or Improv Olympics and you did the whole eight-year program and you got discovered.

Then they put you on a sketch show for Fox with six episodes and they cancel that shit. You know, there's really no... It's either SNL or go fuck your mother. You know what? It's just like the wings. With that shit, it's either SNL and go fuck your mother. And they look for what?

20 to 25-year-olds on SNL. After that, you're pretty much done, right? They look for young cats on that. So it's a short window. I don't know where I was going with this. But it still doesn't matter. It's like it's so weird how I just watched you keep grinding it out. You didn't ask questions.

Jimmy Schubert throws you work. I throw you work. Obviously, you're going to San Jose. Right. Valentine's Day weekend. And it's just really weird. And then the other day, Lee said to me, I came in here and he goes, you know what, I've been doing comedy for a year.

I did 480 sets the other day. And I was very happy for Lee. But again, I'm one of those guys that I don't think of stuff. I live so much in the moment. I don't think about stuff as people are saying it to me. I think about stuff later. I've noticed that. First of all, Lee's a liar.

He's been on States. It's October of 2. 2016. I did it for like five times. Fuck that. Yeah, you did like five times. So you didn't went through a comedy for a year. I'm really breaking this ball. I'm really breaking his balls, people. I know Lee Syatt for I don't know how many years. Probably eight years, right? You can't stick to nothing for 10 days. People, 10 days. I live,

there's days I want to cry. He's the 10 day three week guy and then something happens. the food didn't get the livid. Remember the juicer? Remember the juicer? Remember when we went at the grudge match? He was so big, he looked Chinese. At the grudge match, people kept saying, who's the Chinese guy with you? They kept saying, who's the Chinese guy?

I'm like, that's Lee. Then he fucking showed up one day like he had AIDS. His lips were sucked in, and he's like, I'm on the juicer. I've been living on fucking carrots and ginger, and he would sit here with this green paste and drinking in front of me with this. look in his face like it was like I had to taste of tens different

sperm's in there shaking up and he got really fucking skinny and then he snapped he met Paula do you remember? Yeah of course he went nuts there's a point there he lost a lot of weight though a ton of weight on juiceer

I've lost it twice because then I lost weight go to his house now kettlebells that fucking juice I got more dust than fuck his sister Teresa's pussy you still got the juicer bro it's hidden yeah it's hidden Every time I think about doing it, I think about him talking about the... It's like Rambo.

He's got fucking camouflage on it, trees and shit. He's hit fucking... It's like got bombs and grenades. It's between the toaster and the blender. And I'm not... Deep in a cabinet. I'm not goofing a little bit. I'm saying more that Lee is from that generation that, like a lot of us,

we don't let the miracle happen. You have to let the... You have to put the time in... to let the miracle happen. But Joey, I don't have five years. My father wants me to join the Army. Then pick something and commit to it. And stick around to the miracle happens.

You'd be surprised. You'd be surprised. I don't care if you work at Foot Locker. And you're like, you know what, but I got a college degree in marketing and business. This is the best I could get is a sales job at Foot Locker. Okay. going there with the intention of taking over the company.

Going there with a simple goal, you're going to take over the company. But what does that mean? Okay, that means that the first six months next year when you get the job, you're the salesman of the month. Then they make your assistant managing you're still a salesman in a month. Then they make you managing your sales another month. Then what's the next move? District manage.

And how you're telling fucking people how to run four stores and how to use different sale techniques. It all starts somewhere. We don't believe in that no more. We believe in the system that we go to college, get the diploma, and we want to go right to that position. And I wish it was like that. But I see a guy like you and, for example, Lee,

that Lee has been in some dives, that it bothers me, but I understand he needs to do them. There's nothing I can do about it. I can't do the work for you. If you look at a fucking, when you're, in the fourth grade how much do you hate that math teacher because remember you would come home and go in the kitchen start a conversation with your father about germany or something that he was interested in and then start hitting him with stupid fucking questions what's 21 and 40s thing and he would

give it to you you write it down what's right and then you get the answers from him then the next day the teacher would say where's to show me to work where's the why come there's not a one over the eight yeah you just but you just wrote the answer yeah because i erased it well go home to go do it again remember when you first did times table yeah you had to do the work you gotta add the zero oh i get so frustrated exactly yeah that all that show me the work frustrates everybody that's why people either get in or get the fuck i fucking hate it we've seen in the last year we've heard people angry at me that they wanted help they made they did podcasts they did videos there's not that you can't help somebody i can point you in the right direction tell you the steps yeah but i can't give you the

best gift anybody could give you and that's patience do you want me to sit here and tell you i had patience i'd be a fucking hypocrite every 90 days i'd go on a coke binge and cry you know this guy I was going to Montreal. This guy booked a movie. This guy signed with I, CAA. This guy signed with ICM. Yeah. And here I am with the coloring book talent agency.

You know, and you catch yourself doing it, and you go like, I shouldn't be, it's not even jealousy, but I shouldn't be like worried about what that guy got. And I didn't. You know that you're doing it when you're doing it and you know you shouldn't do it. Once you see how much time your mind is taking on that stupid energy. Yeah. You realize that that. you should be focused and you make yourself better.

I mean, it's such a human reaction, though, is to go like, man, I'm sitting here watching people fly by. Oh, no, no. And that's the problem. You don't know what time. You don't know what time. All I want you to do is know that when that time comes, you better be covered.

Joey, what are you saying? You've been working for an electrician helper for four fucking years. you've been late three times one day you miss because your sister-in-law got hit by a car but besides that you're always on time you're always the last one to go you know there's four different apprentices yeah first one and last one out you're the best apprentice they got you're trusted they give you your trucks on nights you bend pipe you install fucking power on the pole you could start from a to z you're ready to become an electrician all you're doing is you need more mass hours and you probably need to take a like a written test because you after two years as an electrician as a helper you become a residential wireman that means I could leave you on your law alone to wire house that means you could get some dough 16 an hour 15 an hour 17 15 an hour it's not a bad living guys especially if you're union if you're a union oh and then you're in the apprentice program because with the union you have to

take a certain amount of classes every week but once you take those classes still you have to put in the mad hours so once you have enough hours like i might be i'm doing jiu jitoo five six years now i'm terrible i'm fucking terrible but there might be a guy that's been doing jiu jitsu for two years and he's just sensational. If I focus on him, I'll lose my jiu-jitsu game. When I look at people's belts when I roll with them,

I fucking lose mentally. It's the same thing with comedy, you know, and what you did. I mean, I'm really fucking blown away, Diagostino. I'm really blown away. And even Lee,

I'm really blown away, especially Lee. Like I said, he can't do nothing straight for two weeks. bronchitis slimbitis his mother's coming to town but you know what he looks at it

he understands it you know I'm happy this is his first year but good luck yeah I'll see you in eight years and then come talk to me and let me know what you think you know what's funny I've never really been fucking captain commitment either you know like I just

I was homeschooled so all you're talking about is with the math and stuff I was doing it with my mom in the kitchen. That's where we did to school. And then you got to leave the table and go do homework by yourself. And then when you're doing the work, you're to bring it back to your mom. And I mean, I imagine a lot of kids that go to public school, you were going to school because your parents pushed you or society pushes you. No one was like really pushing me in my household. And when you do homeschooled, you're like, you got to, it's up to you to do it. And I wouldn't do it. I just,

I just fucking wouldn't do it. I hated school. And there came like a point where my dad had like a really bad surgery. He lost his kidney when I was like a really, really young teenager. And so he was in the hospital all the time. My mom was taking care of him. No one was pushing me to do school. And I just fucking stopped. I just wouldn't do it. I went like grades missed. So then like towards the end where people started to pay attention to me again, I had to like make up for so much backwork, you know. And then I didn't go to college. I went and just did like jobs right away, you know, jobs at the mall, whatever jobs I can find. But I always quit to do that job. I get sick of stuff really quick, but stand-up is the only thing that I did with me pushing me, you know?

Like that was the, everything else, someone had to tell me to go do it. But stand-up, I like, I don't know, it's 10 years is like the longest I've done anything straight. I had a problem where if I didn't like it, if I didn't enjoy it, like even in school, like I liked history in English, I would do well in those classes. But math and stuff, like my mom was on me, so if I didn't get at least a B, I'd get in trouble or something. So, like, I would work hard and work hard enough to get a B, but that was about it. But if I enjoy it, like, with stand-up then, for what I don't know. I think it's, and that's what life is, is working hard at something that you don't like.

But that's my problem. Stand-up's got failing, too. But it's- But you like it. If you like something, you just like something. You like it's good and you like it's bad. But you can get it back on stage quickly. Yeah.

Like, even if it's only one day. Bombing don't bother me. The gratification is a little quick. Like you just learn. It's just a learning experience. I feel really bad. And I've said this before on the podcast when I meet you. Let me get that tissue paper with it.

You spitting it already? Yeah, you're going to go to fuck. Okay. I don't mind a little Jew DNA. Jew DNA is good for you. You know what I say? I hate when I see anybody quit anything. Yeah.

Because I quit so many things growing up. I quit the base. I quit the guitar. You know, like I said before, I've had every job. I had every opportunity. If I wanted to do it, I could do it. If I would just say, oh, that looks interesting. I used to be one of those assholes.

Oh, that looks interesting. But once they made you do it, you like, this sucks. Yeah. Like before the movie cocktail came out, I just like what my mom did. It looked like it was easy bartending. It was easy as it looks. Yeah. It looks fun.

It looks fun. It looks fun. If you're at the right bar and everybody's doing blowing, they're fucking with each other in the end. That's what you see in Carlito's way, right? The bartenders are dancing and show like that. I've worked at those bars. Yeah. That's not a real reality.

Right. You know, and it's number one, the first time you get on, the first thought that stand hope, I mean stand hope, that stand up must be for you. What was it? Because I know one thing for sure, and this is when I know people are real, when they're a student of the game. Mike Tyson is fucking retarded, and I hate to say that. Not to mention he got hit in the head 10,000 times. If I sit Mike Tyson here and talk to him about fights, we could sit here for 10 hours, and

he'll point to me to every classic fight. He knows every classic fight all the way back to the 19th. 1900s, even in England, you know, because they become students of the game. Explain to me how comedy came into your life. Was Dane Cook one of your early influence? Yeah, absolutely. You in the mirror jumping up and down. You know what?

I was a giant fan of stand-up before I ever even thought I would ever do it. I just, my dad was really into jiu-jitsu and all that shit like that and try to get me into it. I was really just more into comedy watching it. There was not really specials back then, but you can go buy like a VHS tape of comics, you know, and I would just, that's what I would do. I'd go get CDs. And then I remember Dane Cook was the one that kind of made stand-up popular again.

Like all of a sudden my friends were telling me about stand-up. I've been telling you guys about it for years, and now you want to tell me about it. Now, who were you turning on at first? Bro, I was listening to Bill Cosby when I was a kid. I feel guilty now a little bit No Like a little party you're like

I was a fan of a child rapist I don't feel guilty I feel really bizarre about it I get mad at lethal this day Because I'll never forget the day he told me How much he paid I think it was pre-Paula It was when Ashley was here the girl

Living in my couch I went to go see him in Sarito I didn't like him after 92 Way before the rape charges I didn't like him since 94 since the Colorado. Well, he was obviously a fucking Mr. hypocrite.

You know what I mean? Not to interrupt you. So it was Cosby first. I'd say Cosby, yeah. And then who was the first hours I watched? Watched. Watched. Was it the one with the dentist?

Bill Cosby himself. Yeah, that's like 1980. What was it on? What was it on? It came on. It was like on an HBO special. They aired it on like HBO or Showtime or one of those. You heard about stand-up at the time.

Did your friends say, did you watch the stand-up comedian? When I was 11, I went to a comedy club. Where? At the ha-ha. At the ha-ha. And the stage was on the other side, and I wasn't allowed to be in there, not really. But you know how the ha-ha works? You're here with your mom and dad.

It's fine, you know? And I went in there, and I don't know what I was walking into. I knew of stand-up. I never really saw it before. And then I walked in there, and it was a black night. It was a pretty heavy black comics. What year do you think this was? If I was 11, then, fuck.

I'm horrible math. 99,000. Yeah, 99, 2000. Jesus, crap. And a lot of black comics in there. It's just really fucking funny. One guy, he's not, I don't even think he's a stand-up anymore. He worked with my dad.

My dad was a telemarketer at the Daily News, and that guy worked there, and he invited my dad to the show. That's why I went. And I went to go watch my dad's co-worker. and he fucking did this when the R. Kelly hot and fresh out of the kitchen song was hot.

He did like a whole parody on it. And like today if I see you doing music now that I know about stand-up, I'll fucking walk out of the room. But at the time I was like, this is like a whole new world of stand-up. And I just, and then I watched the Bill Cosby thing

and then my family would watch the George Lopez we were talking about earlier. The Why You Crying? I watched that with my family. I would watch stand-up with my family. I always loved comedy movies. I'm a fucking big sitcom guy. I'd watch everybody

was ready with my parents and I found out Ray Romano did stand up and I was like oh shit I had his album live at Carnegie Hall and then I remember

I started to go the only public school type thing I did was Catholic school when you get your not communion but confirmation I started to go

and then one day in the confirmation we had like a retreat where everybody had to like do something yeah everybody we had it like a retreat It was all, we were like 14, we all had to do something,

and I didn't have anything to do, no talent, something like that. And I went up there, and I remember one Bill Cosby joke. And I went up there and told the Bill Cosby joke. And I said it like it was mine, you know, because I'm like, none of these kids are going to know the fucking Bill Cosby's jokes. So I did that. And then I started to think, like, maybe I could do stand-up. And when I was maybe 16, I still got the notebook.

I wrote, I wrote an act. Never performed it. Never once. But I wrote, like, ideas. I wrote like an act about like my nieces and nephews and jokes about my mom and stuff like that. And then I used to go for walks. Like I said, I was homeschooled. I didn't have too many friends besides the kids in my neighborhood.

And I walked down to their house. And while I would walk, I would listen to my walkman. And I had one of the Dane Cook CDs at the time when he was hot. And I remember that first track where it goes track one where it's like, ladies and gentlemen, Joey Diaz. And the crowd was like, ah, you know, track one when you always hear that. But Dane Cook's album, they kept going like, give it up for Dane Cook. And I just kept hitting repeat, repeat, repeat.

I kept getting like, like anxiety and like a high from hearing the audience cheer for you, you know? And I just thought like I'd say I want to fucking do it. And I kept telling myself I want to do it. And then like some family members and some friends are going to encourage me. And then I finally did it when I was 20. I was working some mall job and they laid me off. And I got unemployment. And I was like, well, I'm going to try to do stand-up while I'm on unemployment.

And, uh... You're going for that? No. I went to the improv of Mike because at that time I started going to after I turned 18 I would go to any 18 and over show and the improv had the early shows were 18 and over the late shows are 21 and over. So I would go to the early shows and I started going to the improv a lot and I would watch all those guys. I remember being there one night and it was like when they were filming the movie funny people. Remember with Adam Sandler and all those guys and I went down there one night and everybody from that movie came down. there to work on stand-up. And they're not even stand-ups.

Jonah Hill went on stage. Seth Rogen went on stage. And then they put on like real comics. I remember like Ben Morrison was there and like fucking Greg Wilson and Rich Aronovich. All those guys like closed out to show. And I just remember thinking myself like, man, I always like imagine that's me. And I'm just going to fucking do it. I picked, I asked open mic, when's your open mic?

They improv. I asked them when they're open. They go Tuesday nights and went down there and I signed up. I was 20 years old and I never stopped. You got on? Yeah. Now it's like rare to get on there. It was a raffle back then, too, but I didn't know that.

I thought you signed up and everybody got up because I got up the first time. So the second time I went back is when I found out that it was by chance. Very, very green to the situation of how it worked. And how long did it? Now, what were you doing for work? Did you unemployment? Living at home. Yeah, I was still living at home.

And what did you think? The fact that you got upstairs. For the first time, it felt so good. It felt really, really good. Like, I thought I did better than I actually did because I was more happy that I actually did it. I was more impressed with myself that I had the courage to do it. So the second time I went back, I thought,

I'm going to do great tonight too, and I ate a bag of dicks my second time. My second time, they just fucking stared at me. Where was your second time? Same place, improv. And then, and then I, after that, I started going on like, Craigslist to look for shows. I went on Craigslist and

all these guys that run bringer rooms will put ads on Craigslist like, hey, I'll book you at the comedy store. And of course you're a fucking kid and you're like, oh, I'll answer this ad. But it's really just a way to get bringers. Which I didn't give a shit. I mean, I brought people. When you're new, you fucking bring people to get on stage.

And so that's what I did. This guy named, uh, fucking forget, something gold. Joey Gold, some New York guy. Book me on like a belly room show. then I met somebody else who booked me on this show and then I went over to the ha-ha open mic one day and that's how he started there

how long before you started working there maybe a year and a half after you started going there regularly for the open mic yeah because it used to be run by Eric Allegria was one of the guys pretty much booking the shows there in Enrico and then I started to go with open mics and became close with those friends and then they would put me on there

Tuesday night show. Tuesday night was like when, you know, Adam Hunter would go by and Darren Carter would go by and they give them 10 minutes and then like they throw a guy like me on for five and they started giving me. And then eventually, you know, I got tight with Jack just because I was always bringing a lot of people and I was always there every single day for the open mics and then shit just happened. They go, you want to do your own show?

And I was like, sure, that's how it starts. You do your own show. That turns into you fucking work in there. Then you can't bring people no more because all your friends foot and saw you already. Now it's like, okay, we'll text these phone numbers and invite people for free tickets to come out and then you'll get five minutes on the stage. Okay, cool. You know, you DJ for spots. What a whole science of having a club giving away tickets.

I know. When I got here, the comedy store had a room upstairs next to Pauli's office. It was five phones. And the guy that ran this was Enz Mitchell, who is now the owner of that club on Pico, the black club on Pico. Oh, really? The union? The union. Edm Mitchell was a good guy fair.

And it was me, Shane Mattash, and the guy that was dating Kelly Kirsten, I just see online, I forget what his name was. Maybe two other of us. And our job was just to call businesses every day. Hi. My name is Joey Dears.

I'm in the comedy store. I don't know if you've heard the legendary comedy store on the Sunset Strip. It's where Pry, Kenneth, and Dicey. started the career. The reason I'm calling you before you hang up is we do a promotional night once a month and we picked your business as one of the businesses. Yeah.

You have won 10 tickets. Yeah. We want to know if April 23rd will work for you. Oh my God. I won 10 tickets to the comedy store. Last one went to the comedy store. Eddie Murphy was that you got them. Yeah.

Yeah. And then we would. And then the next month would they get a call again? They go, wait a minute. Oh, yeah. I keep winning. Yeah. Well, you know you would call them.

And I got so good that I just became friends of most of these people. Yeah. Yeah. So they would call me when they wanted tickets. Right. Yeah. All the time. People always want a free ticket on the sunset strip.

I mean, for Christ's sakes, it's $30. That's parking. You know, it's parking. But there was two scams going out at the store. There was the phone scam. And they just paid you a flat right. but there was also the card scan which was two for one tickets and if you were a comic and you put your name behind it you got a dollar for each ticket at the end

of the week so at this time of the year bold year like from the 26th on I would drive my car to Universal pay like seven bucks in those days the park and I would get in the middle of Universal by the fountain yes and I would just give away 200 tickets With your signature on. And I would get there at night. There'd be 60 people. Wow. Yeah, it was crazy because they, fuck, who doesn't want to go?

That's a pretty good turnout. Yeah, who doesn't want to? Listen, I did it all. Like when I worked in New York, I worked for a place, the comic strip. You went in there? Oh, you want to be an open mic? Fine. Grab a pen.

And they give you tickets. They'd give you physical tickets. And you'd have to sell them by the block. So it was 10 blocks. eight, eight tickets in each block. It was $80 and you kept 40 of it. It was the creepiest thing. Yeah.

So the first couple days, I latched on with the other comics that would stand online for the open mic, and I would fucking sell those things door to door in Manhattan. I'd just go into businesses. And it worked for about two weeks.

Then when not, I got coked up when I spent the $80. And I never, I was embarrassed. But it's just amazing the things they make you do in the beginning for you to become your comic. And you're not selling your soul. It's something that...

It's also paying dues. Listen, it's paying your dues everywhere. You know, way before that, I worked at Wits End. And it was a club in Westminster, Colorado, when I first started. At first, I started a security as a doorman. And then I started a security seat.

And then they made me a DJ. And I used to be the security, the cedar, and the fucking DJ. And I think they gave me like a dollar raise. And that's what, you know, I mean, I was never home. I was there from Tuesday to Sunday. Yeah. And I had a roofing job in the daytime from fucking six to three in the afternoon. So I was putting in the hours, Jack.

Yeah. But I asked all the questions I had to. It took me from like February. it took me to July to get on stage. And once I got on stage, they pretty much fired me. They didn't want me there no more. Because they were like,

you want to do stand-up. We can't have, you know, because I asked them. Let me do guest sets. Yeah. They're like, no, this is what we were scared of. We don't want the DJ to do stand-up and shouldn't.

We'll take a fucking hike. Yeah. What do you think I was in it for for the money? Yeah. Because you guys pay so great. For the fucking eight bucks an hour. Fuck yourself. Plus tips at the end.

But you know there was like when I first made that transition of like knowing it's time to get the fuck out of working at the club when I first did that I had a really bad grudge towards the club and I mean we both did our things to each other but I like right now I have I'm at like a really peaceful place where I just go like you know what man like I had to learn that shit eventually

I really did learn a lot about the business working there and I used to tell myself if I didn't work here for the first five years in my career I would have been five years more ahead. Or I would have been at the comedy store five years ago. You know what? I haven't worked there in five years. I'm still not a regular at the comedy store. But I learned a lot.

And I would have had to learn it eventually. Same thing with my first marriage. When I first broke up with her, I was like, fuck that bitch. You know what I had so much anger towards her. Two weeks later, whatever. You're speaking Russian with Baklava on your breath and shit. Yeah, but you know, like I look back towards my ex-wife now and I don't have any hatred towards her. Like, I was, I wasn't great either.

I was too young to be a husband and fucking not home. Working on a shitty salary also out fucking Monday through Saturday working at the comedy club. Wasn't there? What woman's going to be happy with that? Yeah. There's no woman. There's some women about security.

You know, and the daytime security has to be covered. A woman's security is covered. You don't give a fucking view of fucking hang yourself. She'll even show you how to do a born day nut. You know what I'm saying? She'll teach you the board day nut. That's a new nut and the Boy Scouts. That'll get you going.

She don't give a fuck. But they, that's the woman's about security. Like I look at my wife now today and I look at her in different ways because when we started dating and I moved in with it, there was no security. We all started zero every month. Didn't matter how funny you were if you killed at the store last night. Yeah. Oh, I had a great week at the Ventura Comedy Club. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. It's Monday to first, and we all start at zero. Now, what we did last month, we got to do better this month. Yeah. It's really weird, how comedy, it's really weird how making a living for yourself pushes me. Luckily, I was a commissioned salesman, which is a comedian. we really are commissioned salesmen no salary in 90 days no guarantee oh well you did bad we'll give you a thousand on the 15th and then when you're selling the second 15th of the day we'll just wash it

out of the salary we gave you yeah there's none of that shit yeah either you make it or you don't and it's so weird how some nights you have four gigs and one of them you get paid 50 bucks for but the other three are freer than fucking a bird, you know. Yeah, don't tell the guy who paid me 50 that I did this one for sure.

Yeah, and you can't figure out but it's such a jerk. I mean, I'm thankful every day. I'm thankful that fuck, I'm alive, I'm thankful,

I'm still doing what I like doing. You know, I'm not forced to do it every week because I'm not letting what you own control you and all that shit. I go out, it's not a job for me. Stand-up is not a job.

to me it's something i need to do to keep money on the food on the table but it's not a job to me i don't have to make pay a eight thousand dollar mortgage do you know what i'm saying yeah when you got to pay that eight grand that fucking those whiskeys are a little harder and fucking on the plane those whiskeys come to go down a lot rough yeah i keep my nut love but that's not what we're talking about here what we're talking about is the commitment i didn't even know it was your 10th anniversary yeah in February I'm just happy that you're getting an opening to go into Montreal whether they say yes or no because I know to a guy like you to a guy like me I mean you don't tell yourself I'm going to Montreal yeah what you tell yourself I'm sending

a tape and hopefully they choose me and I go to Montreal and then I have a new set written for them I'm not going to sell Patrick Swasey t-shirts at the fuck no I haven't done that for months it's just really weird that we live on a 90-day merit program like when Lee said that to me I've been doing comedy every year now you know I'm like wow Lee has no idea that he's going into a vortex and he's going into a vortex that's psychological it fucks people up yeah because when you bring home a report card your father hugs you and says thank you for the A plus son That means the world to me. I'm going to frame that.

You know, even a dog, when you fetch a ball and a dog drops the ball, what do you do? You bend over and pet the dog. With comedy, nobody pets you. Yeah. You know, dog, Joey's coming with me to this gig. I go to the giggy bombs. The next gig I go to, I'm not there, and you get a standing ovation. And on the way out, you go, where was fucking Joey?

Why the fuck couldn't he have been there for that time? Yeah, you know. always goes like that right it's it's just a fucking nightmare and listen i'm doing comedy 27 years and i go through it you know me and lee sometimes lee goes to the store of me he goes they didn't like you tonight in that room what do you want me to do curl up in a ball and cry no you shake it off you know where you went wrong i came out a little cocky i shouldn't have said that joke up front but i wanted to show off the lee that's what i get for showing off of in front of Lee. And now the second

said, Lee goes, wow, you're destroyed their own because you picked up your whatever. You learned the mistake. You learned a mistake. That's why I say failing in this is not you're happy about it. If you like it, you're like, I like failing and that I do. Listen, failing means you're alive. Yeah. We've associated

failure with debt. Like, it's this fucking thing that was started. I'm scared to fail. Listen, I'd rather you try. Even though I knew it was a dog with fleas. When you brought it to me, me I knew it was a dog with fleas. But who the fuck I'm I to tell you that?

I think everything's a dog with fleas. You know, you bring an investment idea. I don't know about investment. There's a dog with fleas. You know, I just know what I know and what I can help you with. So when you come to me with something that's not in my field, how can I judge it? You know, people always ask me, why don't I judge killed Tony? I love Tony Hinchkill.

I love Brian. I don't like judge other comics. I have a hard time with telling a comic he sucks. You know why? Because that's his dream. You sucking at carpentry? You know, you sucking at not taking pictures right or whatever. And I'm not worried about that.

But when you come to me and you go, hey, man, I talk to you in private. You know, my dream is to photograph Led Zeppelin, even though they're dead. I want to photograph bands of that caliber. You know, how can I look in the eye and go, your photography sucks? I don't know anything about photography. Yeah. How do I know what your eye sees?

I do know one thing. I know four or five people that take pictures of me on a constant level, and I know another three or four people that I've paid big money to take pictures of me, and nobody takes a better picture than me, or the guy from the store. Who, Troy? Yeah.

Did you see what he sent this the next day? No, I don't know. see that i think he didn't send him to you he didn't he c cd i'll have to check ccd i got my headshots with troy oh yeah me too i got a headshot with joy's great i just got him when you're on stage Troy is the best of what he does and i've had people pay i paid people years ago to come into the store and there are pictures that you look and go look like i mean listen i know i look like herman monster but your photography i should take that yeah ugliness away and show him that one piece of beauty that i have. But the point being who are you to tell that guy that he's no good?

Right. Because you never know that he might be perfect for some job out there. It's not that. I don't like fucking with people's dreams. I fuck with you. You want to be a dumb gamble. That's not a dream. There's people who confuse a dream with a hobby. A dream is something that you feel deep in your boss. That while you're working at the DMV, you often hate you. and you hate life and you're frustrated because you're not doing what you want to do. That's a dream and you know that you dream at first you're not going to make no money don't. I mean my dream is to hang pictures up of athletes in a fucking museum and that people come by every day. I know, wow, I remember this game.

I remember this. I got a great picture from Gardett Oshack of fucking Sid the Squid, the Sports Illustrated cover. He sent it to me for Chris. She dropped it at the store. You know, I would love to put a space together just to show art different month. Every month of different people, sports art, Cuba Month, Armenian Month. You know, like just put it. I like photography.

I don't know nothing about it. Really? Yeah, I don't know anything about it. But if I did like a Chinese art month and you brought in a Buddha and a couple pictures of China, a couple pictures of Chinese people doing karate, I don't give a fuck. I love to do something like that. I just don't know how they even start. Do you charge the painter for wall space?

Because you know a thousand people gonna come through there every day. I don't know how to start. Yeah. I love all that type of shit. But that would be a dream of mine. That's a dream of mine. When I was a kid, I used to work with flowers.

Do you guys know that? No. It was one of the ones like your mom owned part of it or something? My stepfather. My stepfather, when he got out, he bought into a flower thing. And I got to tell you, man, that's a great business. Yeah.

I don't know what the cost of flowers are. Right. No one does. I can't imagine what they are now. All I know is every year I see rose sales around Valentine's Day. And I go, Jesus Christ, these people are fucking thieves. Did you do the assortments yourself? Do you have fun doing that?

The guy in those days, I was about, this is probably between 8 and 10. And on the weekends, I would go up there. in the summers. In the summers, I was delegated to the butcher shop and took that part the day. So in the mornings, I would start with the flower shop. Then in the afternoons, I would have to go to the butcher shop. So I would get up at like 3.30 in the morning, go to Manhattan, pick up the flowers, take him back to Jersey, cut off stems, de-stem the roses. That sucks. You got to get a rose, ah, and then fucking hold it, and then take a de-stem and de-stem the roses, and you have to do all that. that shit. Damn, you're doing that eight years old, 10 years old? Eight, nine, 10 years old.

I would do that and then help. His name was Ivan. I would help him with the Leglos means the arrangements. Then I would put them in the front refrigerator and people come pick them up or they delivered them to funerals or whatever the fuck it was. And then once I swept

the floor there and everything was done at about 11.30, I would cross the street and they had a fucking butcher shop. It was really a numbers operation. And I would go back there And I had to clean out the freeze To sweep the front

Go get the guy's cigarettes That was the easy Yeah stock the shelves They had like olives And stupid shit They would make me take out the old Shit first And put the new stuff on

So the old shit could sell Just little tricks of the trade That you learn You know But I'm happy I learned all that stuff Right even though I didn't become that For years I was dying to get a stock show of a job.

Those jobs pay. If you're a lonely guy and you have insomnia, go to your local supermarket. Those jobs are union. It's tough to get those jobs. When you ever go to Ralph's at 6 in the morning? Yeah. And the fucking there's pallets and the fucking things.

Those guys get- That's a union job? I used to do that at CVS. I hate it. Those guys get paid. Unpal it those things, put them stock the shelves, and bring him back. You know, you have to,

there's an inspector who goes through the aisles. He zeroes what he needs. You come by with a fucking either a pull cart, the ones you pull, that electronic, zz, zz, on a pallet. You dropped the pallet,

and Lee has to load it into the shelves. I was trying to get one of those jobs for years because they're 11 to 8. They're 11 to 8 when there's nobody there. Yeah. it is kind of weird you were saying earlier how like we are who we are

like I always liked working night it's weird that you like working nights and then you start doing stand like you're just kind of drawn to certain things that like is you I mean you were drawn to to stand up from an early age like

no I was drawn to stand up comedy on vinyl at an early age as a fan did I think about going to a comedy club not in a million years when he was it came time to quit high school. The job I quit high school was a day job

that after a month became a lot loading job. But I knew one thing. I knew at the age of 10 that I was never going to have a day job. Like I just knew that. Like that was going to be a problem. And all you hear about by the time you get to high school is colleges and that you have to work in the city

and your hours of nine to five and all this shit and I would get anxiety thinking about it. Like I would see, I would be hanging out of Ashways, my local deli, and I would see people getting off the bus at six and coming in for a sandwich or a dozen eggs or a pound of cheese and a pound of roast beef to the next day's sandwich. And the thrill would go away.

It's always a big thrill to work in a city when you come from my area, when you're three miles from New York City. It gives you like that thing to brag. What do you do, Diagostana? I work on Tallinn Avenue. What do you do? I load buses in Newark.

What do you do? I work in the city, bitch. You don't even say where. You just say the city. And people are like, oh, missed a big shot. You work in the city. Let me, uh, sorry.

I didn't even do you. I'm going to ask you a question and then it's going to have a follow-up question. Go ahead. So you've obviously, we know each other for a long time. So you've obviously always been very good at sales. Yes. Would you say, out of all the products to push, selling yourself was the hardest fucking one?

Follow-up question. You've had success in the last, I don't know, nine years. And do you think that it was that your audience was always out there and they just needed to find you and now the podcast created a source to find you? Or do you think that over years you'd, develop people to like you. Like, did you make them like you by maybe salesmanship?

What was the first question? So was yourself the hardest product to ever sell? Absolutely. I'm not, you ever going to gig with somebody. Like, I used to go on really greasy gigs where the promoter would make you go to the local mall and give out flyers

and talk to people. I'd rather you fire me yeah send me all right okay I was never good at that stuff yeah I was never good at making a flyer and handing it to somebody for somebody like for myself yes I was always good at selling things and when you get here you ever go to a show that somebody runs and you get there and the place is sold out and they actually love that host but in reality

he's just an awful fucking comic but for some reason he this is way before social media yeah I knew comics that through emails and phone calls and text messages will get 80 to 100 people to a show with a text message

and they had zero time and they would go up there and punish their audience they would get a good budget from the house they paid the headlines and the features and the other comics okay but they weren't there to see those guys they were there to see that host and I couldn't figure out what it was back then

and it was the art of sale and ship something I had a hard time with I have a hard time with telling people come see me. I'm a funny guy. I'm at the store at 8.30. That's hard for a guy like me. But then something came that was a misused tool for people. It was called the Internet.

And it was fair game. A guy by the name of Dane Cook had become a star using a site called Myspace. So every comic, whether they were soldiers of Bill Hicks, you know, I'm a Kennison fan, do you think Richard Pry would go home at night and get on MySpace? That was my response. Come on, come here, come here. Do you think after Richard Pryor would do a set at the Comedy Store,

he'd go down to his room at the hotel and do MySpace and talk to people? It's bullshit. I saw everybody get out of MySpace to sell tickets. But that's when I realized what they weren't doing. Dane Cook was communicating with people. I started seeing salesmanship. Now is when you're talking my name, bud. So I started seeing people giving away tickets

or telling you they were going to be in town. I immediately removed myself. as a comedian and I become a consumer. And I thought, how greasy is that? That's sexual harassment. That's Harvey Weinstein type thing. You're not giving me any reason to give you consent to touch my dick. When I see a fucking comic, text or post, I'm doing a show tonight at this place.

Tickets available here. I want to reach through the internet and smack them. Because they're telling me something instead of giving me something. And after you give them something, then you sell them something. When was the last time you went up to a girl told her you loved her and put your hands on a vatch? Never, they'll throw you in jail, especially today. What if that girl does have a crush on you, but you kiss her neck for 10 minutes and tell her how you're going to take it to a date, the Denny's, and how are you going to get the grand slam of the shit?

I'm going to hook you up with a grand slam and shit because I know the waiter at Denny's but while he's kissing you on the neck then he puts his hand between your legs it's a way different game so I wrote a fucking podcast on MySpace

that was published every Monday a blog a blog that was horrific I would just take a segment of my life and the order it happened and things that changed my life and I wrote a blog and I wrote for about 18 months

because I was endearing myself to people before I could sell you something I have to endear myself to you I have to give you a reason why why do you think it's so hard to sell insurance because you don't see nothing yeah

you don't see dick you sign four papers I shake your hand and I leave I saw you a car you drive it every month yeah I saw you an iPhone and you're drunk you know you use i saw you know yeah a bottle of water a fucking dodger game you're gonna drink it right this is when i saw yes insurance you walk out of

their empty hand your second question yeah was by the time twitter and facebook came together i if you want me to lie to you i could lie to you and tell you that when you're a telemarketer when i read the ads on this show i believe in these products i really like swear space I know 20 people built the website was Squarespace. Yeah. I think Felicia built my original one with Squarespace. And it's motivational for people to get your business going and stuff like that. When I get contacted to do Squarespace, I enjoy referring Squarespace.

I don't know what the point was here. What was the point? The Rief is getting to me. The companies who advertise with you, you believe in? I believe in. But my job at the end of the day is to lead them to a website. The people listen to you. I need you to go to Squarespace if you're thinking about a website

because I'm going to cut you a deal. Okay, I'm not telling you this is an ad read. I'm telling you the truth. My job is to get you to a website. My job in comedy is to get you to the club to see me. Yeah. Okay. So in all this MySpace, Facebook, we're switching over.

We don't want to be communist in MySpace. We're going on with the Thief, Danny Zuckerberg. And then you might as well be on Twitter. I still remember a certain episode of Rogans that I went up there. And I said, I don't want to be friends with nobody on Twitter. You know how many times I could eat those words now that I have personal relationships with people on Twitter from Jennifer Jane, Jones to fucking, you know, they're my friends. They're my friends. I'm fans.

I don't know fucking fans. So I ate my words. I was big enough of a man to declare there's people on Facebook, Berg. Bob Lillinger's Best friends of the podcast You know They're your friends Now from the internet

So yeah I figured out a way How to sell myself For people to come to the shows But I have to show them something I give them a taste of my music What's in my head I want to know what's in the Agostino's head

I love it when people start podcast and they want to do everything but give people the information they want which is to know about you when I see a new when somebody calls me up with a podcast about 20 moving parts yeah

I avoid it like a plague those like gimmicky podcast yeah our theme is yeah yeah yeah yeah when you give me a when you give me a gimmicky podcast when you give me a gimmicky podcast

it's too many too many moving pieces A podcast is two, three people having a conversation about a topic and you tapping into my conversation. That's it, plain and fucking simple. My goal with the podcast was to complete a circle. We talk. This is free.

I don't want a dime from you. I don't want a pantry on. I'm not going to shoot videos for you. That ship's sale. I'm too fucking old. I give you the podcast for free. I get on Twitter. I talk about it on Facebook.

you know we do the periscope and then when i get to your town you come to the show there's a catalyst to all this and it's a podcast the podcast and many other things when i did the longest yard after i shot the longest yard it was very frustrated why because actually i had the same prime everybody everybody else in town wanted to do i thought that listen you never know what you're going to do in this town to launch you the tiffany hattish it was that movie took her from eating garbage to fucking living in beverly hills and i applaud her no matter what happens what goes down that's a having that talent's a big launch just being here you create opportunities for yourself and Sometimes an opportunity opens up and boom, you're there.

What if tomorrow Lee's doing a spot at some fucking hellhole and somebody from NBC sees them and says, I want Lee to do a daytime, 15-minute thing on the internet every day, and we're going to give you 10 gram. Lee's going to call Diagostina and go, I don't know what they're talking about, but you're going to help me write that shit and I'll give you $3,000 a week and there you go. Then people are going to go, whoa, but Diagostino's not a writer.

Why are you getting it to him? And then DiAgostino's going to get a new car. And after two years, every club Diagostino walks into, he's going to go, he wouldn't be anything without Lysayat. Yep. And you're like, wait a second. That's exactly how it goes. There was an opportunity there.

I seized it, and now that's the way it is. And now you're fucking hating on me. Yeah. Oh, he wouldn't be anything without Lysayat. Really? Go ask Lysayat. Lysayat. At least I'll tell you if that's the truth.

Right. Lysayat will say, yeah, I write 60% of them. But fucking Di Agostinos come up with some wops. as while we're shooting yeah you know what I'm saying so yeah like you take me to a club with you to open but guess what if I bombed that club's gonna tell Joey next time maybe bring somebody else yeah you got to keep the work no maybe someone gave it to you and I also let you walk home answer your flight reservation and I call the airlines and put a tj. Miller I tell him you got a bag on you in a bag of hummus and you're ready to call allah and

call yeah that's why you can't be mad at dang cook though either because he did that but he was he he he he could have been not funny right like he touched everybody and connected by everybody by my space but what if he wasn't funny like they didn't put him work yeah he put it a great story about dame this is a very true story in the late 90s early 2000 one of the hottest clubs in the country was houston and i spoke to a friend of mine in houston who goes Oh my God, I can't wait. Dane Cook is coming this weekend. I always liked Dane.

He was very popular in L.A. He was starting to... This is... Before that bar on sunset on Tuesdays, he was already getting popular at the Laugh Factory. People were going to see Dane at the Laugh Factory. And when Monday I had Latino Night there, and as I was walking in, he was walking out.

He did like a guest while on Latino night. I go, how you doing? He goes good. I go, how is Houston? I'll never forget this. I go, how is Houston? He goes, Houston was a great fucking show. It was a great week.

But it was just a bit too long, Joey. He goes, it was Wednesday through Sunday. And he looked at me and he goes, I got to figure out of the way they shortened that. That's why when he started hitting theaters and arenas, it didn't surprise me. He was over it from the beginning. In his mental state, he was done with that.

He had already done colleges. He had been sprinkling seeds all around the country from colleges for two or three years. He was just doing colleges, building up these little markets that nobody else thought about going to. Just dropping seeds. And what do you think happens? What the fuck do you think happens? That's what happens. You know, people don't remember Kevin Hart.

Kevin Hart went to Montreal or whatever. I don't know the story. I'm not here to, but I do know that he got an ABC sitcom. And it was supposed to be the hottest thing ever, and he got a couple seasons, and the thing went away. I do know that he called his agent the next day, and he goes, take my calendar, book every week, pay me $1,500, and I want you to give the tickets away.

because I'm still a TV guy and they're still going to come because I'm a TV guy just give ticket to a whoever pays pays if not comp them all out I want those rooms packed and he made all those free tickets he made them pay the next time

and he came back again the next year and he did the same thing and every year he built he built he went into theaters and today he's in stadiums that takes an enormous commitment It's not a one-year thing. It's a three-year thing you're looking at. You're looking at a three-year cycle.

I'm going to go 45 weeks for three years. But each 18 months, I'm going to move up a cycle. They go from clubs to theaters. This poor bastard I kidnapped. I'm going to Tucson. He's been calling me every day. I got a mother pain on mind program. Because last time I went to temp me,

told me to him to show him. Now he gets him guts. I'll call him an hour before I get them. I come to the show. I got to torture him a little bit. I'm saying I can't get him good. So if you don't know that when you're going into it, like I wish I had a comedy at a plan at the three year,

but you can't. You can't have a plan. Your only plan is to get on stage. That's your only plan. Oh, Joey, I want to be a good lawyer. well then you have to hang out a lot of fucking courtrooms my friend a lot of courtrooms every night yeah but I need to study where you study after the courtroom yeah but I also need a job you get yourself in a fucking delivery of you

Uber whatever the fuck it is oh weekends or whatever yeah yeah if you really want it it happens but I don't want you to think it happens just because it's supposed to happen well it's also crazy how it's different for everybody like do you see that thing that Sebastian put up with him and it was like the news guy NBC Nightly News did interview with him at the store? No. It was in, I had heard the story before, but he was a waiter at the four seasons. And they didn't say this on that, but I've heard that he didn't go on the road as much as

everybody else. Like he stayed and worked and just worked only at the store really, or around L.A. It's pretty like he, he would go and do his spots on his break. I was like, gee, that's anxiety. He would come into the store with his waiter soon on. Take the vest off, put a leather jacket on and go up there, get off the store, get in this car, and go back to the four seasons. Wow.

You know, I have problems with raising a comic in L.A., but I don't have problems with raising a comic in L.A. if he knows where his position is. He always knew where he stood. He went on that tour. Then he went on that tour with Cap and all those guys in the Wild West Tour with Steve Byrne. Oh, was he on Vince Fons Wild West comedy tour? That's right. He was on that.

He's got a fantastic career. Yeah. But I never wanted anybody to think that he just happens overnight. And then I remember Tim 10 years ago. He was the favorite comic in the club at Addison, Texas. And they're going, Joey, have you seen him lately? And I go, no, I haven't been at the store. And they go, it's brilliant.

It's like Andrew Dice Clay Clean. Yeah. So people fucking love him. And he jumps up like dang. cooking shit not to mention his work ethic yeah he comes from the old school you know italian he's got good work i mean you can't imagine that like you said he would show up in his vest change going stage and go back to the restaurant like you can't imagine a work ethic like that not eventually pay off listen man all these guys bill burrow all these guys that are doing well here

all have one thing in common and that's time that includes joe rogan it's time arre sheffir 20 years time this is time this is time this is a commitment but again i don't want it to harp on just stand-up comedy this is no matter what you do you want to be a good cop you got to be a rookie you got to fucking put out flares you got to change flats you got to save cats and then you got to learn the other angle of it you got to learn community service and it take by the time you learn it all, you've already been in it. And yet you can't prepare for this career. That's not really a career you can prepare for.

Even if you go to college and they tell you all the statistics and you learn all the graphs and shit, you're not doing it until you're there. But whatever you're planning on doing, you have to put time into it. Agostino, what was the difference between your old marriage and this marriage? Yeah, that's a great point. It's just the time. What is the difference? The time, the fucking time that you put in.

What did you, where'd you learn this from? My mistake of the first marriage. Thank you. Yeah. You, Dumbo. Yes, sir. How many mistakes did you make with the one-eyed Mexican? Tons.

Are you going to repeat them? We're trying not to, you know? No. You know, when I got the, somebody asked me about this. I know how to destroy a house. You know what I'm saying? You want me to destroy your house? I'm moving with you and Jen by the end of the month.

Jen will be out of that. I'll tell Jen you were cheating on her in the road or have you doing blow. Oh, man. I'll put vikolins in your pocket and make you... Yeah. It sounds like you get it done in 24 hours. I know how to destroy a house, you know? I know how to destroy a marriage.

I did it. I know how to destroy a marriage. Walk in my house. My house is a done of peace. Nobody raises their voice in my house. She yells at me and she smiles while she's yelling at me, you stupid fuck whatever the fucking is. You know,

but I have to work at that. Yeah. You know, when I was a kid, when I was a Spanish kid, man, there was nothing more than I wanted than to have that white aspect that we ate dinner together and nobody cursed the table.

And I didn't have that. When I would watch the Walton's and all those TV shows, I'd go, when I go to Lee's house and mom would invite me all, whenever would sit together and they'd say a little Jew prayer, before that and you know pass around a penny and look how shiny it was whatever the

folks Jews do before dinner but get the shine on that penny how do you know I don't fucking know I'm just making stupid jokes that I yearn for that and now I love when people approach me for different stuff how I look at projects and stuff like that you can't take time away from me because I know what it means to them I know what it means to have a safe house. I can go out four weeks in a row. A wife wouldn't say a word for me, especially when she got the checks in the hand.

It's not about that. It's saving our marriage. It's about spending time together. It's little things you don't see from the first marriage. That's why your second marriage will last forever, unless you put it up some fucking chick's ass and I know.

And your wife finds out because she's Russian. They know everything. They fucking find out. You travel with a bug. You got Jesus. GPS on you right now. As a matter of fact, she's listening right now. Translating to Trump people in Russian. Watching the live stream.

Yeah, Castina, you got a lot of things going on. What are you accredited for the last four years? What am I credited for? What are you crediting it for? Like, what, like, you write every day? Yeah. You write every day? How long?

If I could squeeze an half hour, I'm happy. In the daytime morning. in the evenings jokes or ideas uh ideas bits you write goals

yeah daily weekly weekly uh for the podcast a lot I write each podcast I try to write down what I want to talk about

so I don't just invite you over to fucking waste your time you know I'm always I have a really bad anxiety that I'm going to invite someone to do my podcast and I sit there and I don't have anything important to say to them do you Wikipedia people

depending on who they are I mean, some of them, I know, like, I really, really well, but then some of them, I go Google them first, you know, and fucking find some shit out. If I have to Wikipedia, I don't want you on the show. You know what I'm saying? That's the weird thing about me. Yeah.

Like, I like the Wikipedia and be prepared. Yeah. Ten questions like the actor's studio. That's not me. I just want the flow to go wherever the fucking flows. I mean, sometimes, sometimes I learned stuff I didn't know about people, which is kind of cool, and you can bring it up, and then it's a question that didn't know.

no one ever they're oh no one never asked you that on a podcast before so i like that no i like this whole podcast i never did the podcast to get success i just wanted to have my work my my my what i was thinking out there i think that's very important that if you're a comic or an actor or you know you want to make a difference or something like that i don't care if you do a podcast for 30 years and don't get any more than 50 downloads a month You stuck with it and you proved your point and you got 50 people to listen to you. Yeah. That's big to get 50 people to listen to you. Never mind 100 or $2,000 or 10 million like Rogan. That's a feat. That's, you know, him and the other guys and Conan has a podcast. So even starting a podcast is intimidating. But you're only intimidated if you're doing it for the wrong reasons. If you're doing it for the right reasons, I love doing my podcast. because I know I'm reaching one person.

Somebody with an opiate problem, somebody who got locked up and came out on Sunday and doesn't know what to do and they're confused. I want them to know that there's no rules. If you want it, you could take it. You could go get it if you really want it. If you want to dig around and give yourself excuses and trip all over yourself, then you're never going to get it.

You just procrastinating. And trust me, I was a procrastinate. It took me two years to get on stage, you know, a year and a half. Something ridiculous. Ridiculous to get on stage the first time. Wow. But I like what you and Lee both doing. This podcast is basically for both the years.

I'm very proud of you that you stuck with something for a year, Lee. Now this year you go is to stick with two things, whether it's whacking off every day, killing a fly off your neck every day. I whack off every day. He has flies on his neck. He has a little fly swat over his house. The hummus leaks out of his neck. My emotional support fly, because you fart up all the time.

Emotional support fly. Yeah, he has his own little fly. Brings him on the plane, one of them in a little cage. Look, that's the new T-shirt. Emotional Support Fly. A little fly on it. Please, don't give him no ideas. The fly's got a little vest.

His name is Diego. Don't give him no ideas. His bastard will do it. He's got a clearing sale in December. He's on roller skates for the month on a little bit. I'm very proud of you. When does your podcast come out? So I do two a week, and it's usually Monday and Thursday.

I'm sticking to that. Yeah. I mean, sometimes I got to be flexible because it's hard to get fucking guests. I have a co-host, too. I mean, you know how hard it is to get guests, but when you have a podcast, it's not huge. It's really fucking hard to get guests. And then you get pissed at people. Like, you said, no to me, you didn't have time, but then you did that guys.

You know what I mean? It's little things like that. But with, you know, shows, jobs, as long as I get two out, I'm happy. but it's pretty much like Monday and Thursday. You got a lot on your plate. Yeah. If a wife, the job, stand up. You live in the same building as your parents.

Yes. They're across the hall. They come in at any time with underwear on. I don't know what's going on in my foot. You know what's going on in my toe. Take a look at it. Well, you fucking got to cut the nail. It looks like a fucking Z.

You know what I'm saying? Before I came over here, I was taking the Christmas lights off my mom's roof. Were you? Yeah. Good, good, good. But, you know, I'm very lucky that my family runs a building in Los Angeles because it's fucking expensive here. I'm lucky that I'm from Los Angeles.

A lot of comics had to move out here. I applaud anybody that had to do that. I don't know if I would have been able to do that. But I already lived out here. And I'm lucky that my family had a building that they run. And I get to, I get pretty cheap rent. I mean, I'm not getting it for free, but I get a little discount. It fucking helps out.

Well, you're a young couple. Yeah. And you're both trying to make moves. Yeah. I'm just wanted to put you on the podcast You're going to San Jose with me Fuck yeah February 14th through the 17th

Nice We're going to be going to original Joe's And eating the stakes And fucking meatballs I've never been I've never done San Jose Wait till you fucking see this deal I can't wait for

Original Joe Don't even look at him He lost credibility I went to original Joe He went to San Francisco With Paula And they signed up for some Look at San Francisco

Through the eyes We did an Italian food tour And I didn't go there But then last year When I went to San Jose didn't I go to original Joe's? Yes I don't know Yes I did they tweeted at me

Who did you go with? With Paula It was right before we broke up You know what I was thinking about the other day When you do the San Francisco punchline That hotel they put you in That Chilpino downstairs Is the shit

I don't think I've had like another one is good Since then Especially in this fucking neighborhood with these fucking I went to Pagliacchi's bro I tried it at Pagliacchi's The Chiappino They cook it in like white water

You know what I mean Like they're not cooking in white wine Like you can tell like there's no flavor You gotta cook chieapeno and white wine What did you like from Pagliacci's anything? They have some good pasta dishes If you're gonna go just stick with a pasta dish They have one pasta dish that's sensational

Which one do you get? The one with the lamb's meat and the meat Okay We'll have to try that next time. I got like a chicken. Bolanez. Okay. That bolanese is one of the best I've ever had. Really?

They make them a nice bolanaz and they give it to you on a home-cooked fresh noodles. They make the noodles there, Feducini. Oh, okay. And you could taste like, I was watching the Sopranos the other day. When you take the pasta out, you drain it, then you put butter on it and you put a cup of sauce in it. You stir it for the first minute. So the pasta is fresh and absorbs the sauce. A lot of people don't understand that concept.

Yeah. When you first get it, you have to drain it, put it down, put a piece of butter in there, and pour a little bit of sauce and stir it for two minutes so that sauce goes into the pasta. Yeah. You don't just dump it on top. It's absorbed by the pasta. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Besides San Jose, you got any dates, brother?

I had a pretty fucking busy January, but I have nothing really in February besides San Jose. All right. So you're with me in San Jose, the 14th to the 17th. Yeah. In the following week, I'm at Treasure Island and San Francisco. Francisco, in the Las Vegas in the 22nd,

and the Fox Theater at motherfucking Tucson, Arizona on the 23rd. That's a tour with Kate Quigley. Nice. And then the tickets

are a little extra in Vegas, so I'm bringing an artillery of fucking talent. And beside that, Diagestina, I just want to tell

you and Lee, I'm both proud of the boaties. Thank you. That means a lot. I'm proud that Lee stuck with something for a year.

I hope he continues to stick with it. Or if not, I'll fucking take him to Ontario for the weekend and he disappears. You're saying that as one of those things that I was talking about that just goes like, okay, the consistency does work, you know? It's just hearing.

Consistency does work. Listen, consistency does work. It's boring. It's boring. Yeah. You know, every. Well, especially where you don't see the payoff right away. In comedy, every 90 days is psychiatrist's bill.

You hate your wife. You hate everybody because you don't see the results. Yeah. The results are happening. Yeah. You're just not giving it enough time to let the miracle happen. And once the miracle happens, now you want to get stronger there. Now it dies like snort and coke.

Yeah. There's a point where like, you know, I did comedy all my life. And then at the fucking 12 year mark, I went crazy. Let me tell you what happened yesterday. I was about to take a shower. It was 45. And I had a birthday party at the house. my daughter and 16 other princesses.

All they needed was a little gay boy with a whistle and Donna Summer music and we would have had it off. But it was still a great time. But at 4.30 me and my daughter were watching something. I go to Mercy, I had to go get ready. And Mercy had to go get ready. My wife had a brush her hair and put her fucking princess costume on. So as I'm going to the shower, I'm thinking to myself,

and something just came to my mind. Krista Petter. Christopher Peta is What's the guy from Mike and Molly? Billy Gardell Billy Gardell's manager's Christopher Pett. Okay. Since day one.

He's never fired Christopher Pettor. Christopher owns the punchline, Atlanta, or he used to own it. I don't know what the politics are now. Okay. I was thinking about calling Christopher Pettor because when I got here in 98, he was very good to me.

They were doing a pilot, and he wasn't even my manager, and he made a call for me. So I was just, thinking about christop and then i started thinking about the alana punchline like why don't i go there because it was an hour drive from the airport and we left on a monday morning rogan we didn't think about it was two hours and we're almost delayed and i've been making a mental note i'm never coming back out here or whatever but i remember that specific weekend and how we did five or six

shows and i bombed four of those shows but that's the tape that if you ever see on youtube of me calling Duncan and harassing him for being involved with devil worshipers. That happened that week. It's on YouTube. It's got a couple million hits. Red band makes, this is when Red Band was just Joe's cameraman. Okay.

And it was me, R.E., Joe, Tate, and Red Band on the road every weekend. And there was a lot of uncomfortable times, you know. Rogan would rent a car and he didn't know where he was going. and so I would get into arguments. You know, the day that they were telling me that Duncan was a devil worshipper and I left him a message. They're going to fuck him in the ass and all that. That was the weekend.

And I had to weigh 400 pounds and I was on stage talking about eating pussy and some lay in the back heckled me. And she goes, who would fuck you? Like it was just a god-offer weekend. And this is 19, this is 2002, 2000. I was already a regular at the store for four or five years. I'd been on mad TV. I'll never forget some lady yelled.

Who would fuck you? And I remember not even like people laughed and shit. Like it was just a rough weekend. But because I was drying myself off when I came out of the show. Like, that's as good as it gets. Like that was as good as it gets. And I got dressed. and the first guy called

who was Red Band and I go Red Band You got a minute He was in North Carolina To him, kill Tony I go I remember that weekend We went to Atlanta

And we taped the thing For Duncan and I bombed And we all laughed about me bombing Like having a rough time I had a follow Ari And I just had horrible material All I cared about was snort and coke And I go Red Band

Tell me to my face That that that's not Wasn't as good as a guy Because it really was and I started getting emotional and I waited 10 minutes and I called Rogan and he picked up like you got two minutes

I go remember that time we went to Atlanta and I bombed and the lady heckled me and said who would fuck you and he started laughing and he goes I wrote a joke about it did he? Yeah he wrote a joke about it and he goes I go that was as good as it got for me

bro bombing being a feature act in a hotel Like, yeah. What do you mean as good as this gets? Like you were having the time of your life? Time of my life that weekend. Like we would all eat together.

Like five of us would eat together. Nobody would eat without anybody. You know, I think we were smoking all dope at this time. So we were smoking dope together. Those tours are a reflection of what I'm doing on stage today. You're going to go both years have to go on 20,000 of those. You know, where you're just the bottom man. Like, I was the bottom man.

It was Ari and me, and everybody hated me and Ari. They loved Joe, but they hate us. But those are as good as it gets. You don't know it while you're going through it. But the education I got from those gigs are who I am today. So I'm really proud that you never gave up. I'm really proud that you flipped the switch. Even though you're married, you've worked out of a yin-yang situation to continue your comedy and grow.

I hope that you do get your tape out there and that you go to Montreal. Yeah. I wish you both a lot of success. Lee, thank you. You are a great comedic writer. You are a young Woody. Thank you, buddy.

Alan, I hope you don't, not a pedophile. I don't, fuck your cousin. That's Chinese or something like that. But you are the next Woody, Alan. You did great at the store the other night. that everybody was saying it. And for you, way, way, way ahead of me in my first year. The only thing I had on you was we won a national contest,

but you got to remember, it's not how many people you shoot it, it's who you shoot. So don't worry about that stuff. That's the only thing I had on you. You comedy-wise and talent-wise, you have me by fucking more than the nose. I appreciate it. I, what are you?

No, I don't know. it's, there's part of me that, like, it's even weird. Like, sometimes when I'm, like, only doing 10, part of me is like, God, I wish I was doing 15 or 20. I just, like, it's, like, it's, like, it's, I just want to do more stand-up. And I definitely, if I got an offer to be on the road every week, I'm not saying I wouldn't take it, but it's, right now I just want to be able to do more. It's just, that, that, it is tough for me.

Like, you said it's not as tough when you do badly. if I only have one set and I don't do well I'll be sad until the next day there's a big time gay comic that call me if you were available Dan I'll do it I'll dance for him I know you will whatever you happen no no no let me do 20 minutes I've done those road gigs bro that just

you fucking it makes you a beast I'm excited I'm excited to do those you do those dumb shows on the road at like a bar I've done the last time I did bonkers they put me in this giant fucking ruin there was no one in there and they told me to go on stage anyway I wouldn't get paid I had to go up there like an idiot and do stand up for for the empty chairs literally not one person in there and then when you show up at the bar show in downtown LA and all those other guys are eating a dick you're gonna go up and kill because you know how to fucking do horrible rooms like that happened to me in Riverside it was a restaurant where no one was paying attention and because of the show I did at Eddie Bravo's thing where no one was paying attention I knew I had to approach it a little differently and after the show the booker actually just booked me again because three different people were like oh I love that guy like just and they had no idea who I was but it's it's cool to like when you see something again that you bombed out once you're like oh I can at least I have an idea of how to handle it differently this time And this goes across the board for whatever you're doing.

When I was roofing, these principles apply. When I was a plumber, these principles apply. No matter what career you have that you're looking for advancement, it's all the same path, it's time, and then opportunities. One day you're going to be there seven years. You're going to go, when am I going to get a raise? All I want to raise for a dollar, and they call you in the office,

that the guy that was your boss is quitting, and you get a $3 raise. and you go, Jesus Christ, God works in mysterious ways. No, you punch the fucking clock. You're going to eventually get money. Not today. You might not get it today. It might be in the future.

And the work you guys are putting in right now are the building blocks. So when you do get to that level, you don't fall apart on me. I don't even know what the fuck's going on. Look at me. I did the work, and I fall apart at the scenes. I did the work. I wrote on the Greyhound buses. I got crabs.

Anyway, I want to thank you. Di Agostino for coming on the show, brother. San Jose will see us, and I don't want to thank the fucking the Christ Killer for always being here and being a savage and for continuing his comedy quest. But before we leave, I want to talk to you about a few things, all right? Things you can do with Squarespace, all right? I mean, they're never end.

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Square. SquareSpace. I'm sorry. So do me a favor right now. To the church family, okay? You're looking for something to do. You're looking for something. It's a new part of the year. You got goals. Ain't nobody going to know whether you're making music.

Nobody's going to know about it. They're not just going to know. The Bluebird are happy. It's not going to knock on your door and spread the word that you're mixing fucking beats. So you got to start somewhere. I'm going to give you the opportunity. Your Uncle Joe is going to send you. Go check out Squarespace.com.

It's a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code church, C-H-U-R-C-H to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. It's that easy. That's Squarespace.com, enter church, okay? Like I said, beautiful templates created by world-class designers, and you could turn your idea, which is marvelous into a new website and showcase to the world the beautiful work that you do. Go to Squarespace.com for a free trial and use offer code church to save 10% off the purchase of a website or domain. That's Squarespace.com, enter code church, C-H-U-R-C-H.

And again, you're still working on your resolutions. You know, I know you're trying. I love you. Health was one of them. Get yourself a kettlebell. Go get some Shroom Tech sport. Go get some Shroom Tech immune. Go get some supplements. from audit. Audit is the leader

in supplements. Whether it's, you hear me talk about the Shroom Tech sport? Why? Because the mushrooms give you more oxygen to your lungs when you're working out. Listen, I don't know why. I'm just telling you I drop one of those before I go to Jiu Jitsu and I'm flipping motherfuckers like Jojo

Marauda, you know what I'm saying? Number two, you fly a lot. There's germs everywhere. You got to go with Shroom Tech immune. Why? So you don't walk around with a little Japanese guy with a mask on your at the airport. Who needs that aggravation? Be a fucking man. Eat that they're germs. You know what I'm saying to you is Audit is the way to go. I love Arnett. You say, Joey, what do you like about Audit? I love

the alpha brain. I love the Mexican chocolate protein. There are so many things that Arnett has to offer you, but you have to go there. So do me a favor. Out of respect for me, the Joey, and the new year, your uncle Joey, and yourself. You work your resolutions and get healthy. Go to audit.com right Now, take a look at the great selection. They start with Alphabre. If you don't like it, they give you a money back guarantee they don't want to see the product. Go to audit.com right now and press in church at checkout

and get 10% off from your order, and it gets delivered right to your door, okay? I want to thank the Agostino Zoyda and the name of your podcast, Home School podcast. I want to thank the Flying Jew and congratulate him on his progress. And I want to thank you guys for listening and starting the year off with your Uncle Joey,

You bad motherfuckers. Stay black. Have a great day and don't let nobody fuck with you. Remember Bray, and next weekend, the 22nd to the 24th. I'll see your savages down there. Kick this motherfucker, me, O' Lee. A somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. To learn that misery loves company, wait and see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits. Let's see if a puzzle fits so fine. It's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet as I'm from a front row seat

when somebody breaks your heart like you