The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #650 - Carmen Morales

Episode Date: January 17, 2019

Carmen Morales, a comedian, the second doorgirl in the history of The Comedy Store and host of the "No Sir I Don't Like It" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   My Bookie - Join now and MYBookie will match your deposit with up to a 50% bonus of your first deposit up to $1,000. www.mybookie.ag. Use Promo code CHURCH to activate the offer.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 01/16/2019.


Greetings from Podcastville. The church, what's happened now is brought to you by My Booky. Listen, the NFL playoffs are here. It's time to get on the action with My Booky. Not only that, you got college basketball, you got college pro basketball, you got hockey, you got the UFC, you got a lot of things going on. It really is the most wonderful time of the year. So, do me a favor.

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motherfucking crib. Kick that motherfucker mule Lee. January, the 17th, a Thursday cock suckers, Uncle Joey. When I say kick that mule, kick that fucking mule, kick it, kick it, blow up the fucking speakers. It's Thursday, baby. What? Little Chris Cornel. guys on a Thursday morning

are you fucking kidding me or what? Here you go. Here you go. Here you go. There you go. It's always great torture and Lee on a fucking Thursday morning.

How are you bad motherfuckers? I got in studio, Carmen Bougaloo Morales. You're thinking to yourself, Joe, who the fuck? Don't worry about nothing. Don't ask no questions. First of all,

I hope your week is going great. It's a Thursday, you know what I'm saying? I got to head to fucking New York City to tape something for my boy, DB, and tip-top McGoo. I'm right back. The best thing about the trip is I get to go to Meet Ari and Peter Lugas

and I'm excited because they got the best fucking steak in the country. And it's going to be early so I could digest it because I'm old. You don't want to eat meat late at night. Yeah, you can't eat meat and then lay down. No, let's say you get a heart attack. And then you jerk off.

and that's it. Next thing you know, they find you with a rope around your neck and a belt. You're trying to jerk off like the singer from an excess. And they create a different narrative than what really happened. You just say, you just say, stay too late. Oh, I was going to say, how does eating meat make you put a rope around your neck? It just makes you go crazy. It makes you go crazy. You can't be that kind of a carnival.

What's that vodka gets in your brain, man? It'll fuck with you. I know. Carmen Morales, a young comic. I met her at the store. And along the way, I watched you, like, twice on stage. and then I found something out I found out that you were a door girl

Yeah, second in door girl history Second door girl in history To fucking be on at the store Yeah, it's all changed There was a time Mitzie would not A hire a male waiter Like there was no male waiters Guys, no no men

No She was like opposite of Calico Jacks She was just like everything that's going on there now Business-wise Like there was no food loud. She didn't want you eating because you couldn't laugh. It was just booze only. So she took that hit. Yeah, it was booze and popcorn. Popcorn at the tables that tasted like ass. Of course. Keep you drinking. And then she, you know, I don't think

she'd have a dog girl. I don't think in her heart she had it like that to have a dog girl there. Yeah. In her mind, I think she felt like she was the dog girl. By the time I got there, she wasn't there every night. So I don't know. But regardless of that, yeah, somebody told me that, you just went in one day and asked for the job. Actually, they asked me. I didn't ask.

You were a fucking savage already. Yeah. You didn't really need to make the move. But you made the move, which impressed the fuck out of a guy like me. Because this whole thing is about balls, this whole business. It's you releasing who the fuck you are and going for it. You want it, this is how you got to get it. And it seems to me that you want it.

Yeah, I don't want it. And you started getting it. All of a sudden, you started opening for a couple of big names. You're on the road. So I want to let people know who the fuck Carmen Morales is. Well, I thank you. That makes me feel real pretty. You know what I mean?

No, it should make you feel pretty. I'm not doing a half of you want to see shit here. No, no, no, no. Hey, hey, relax. All right. Yeah. Okay, not that. But I'm in court with Benjamin Brathman.

fucking karma Morales said during the podcast. Bullshit, they film everything now. We're fine. Nobody knows nothing bad happened. But I'm just saying like that it may feel pretty like, you know, it feels good because like that's one of the things that motivates me is like some people like it's money, the fame. Like mine was the respect.

I wanted the best people to think that I was good too, you know? How important is that to you? It's the most important. That's what I'm saying. Like, that's why I don't give a fuck that I'm not rich or that I'm not famous or whatever. Because I'm never going to not do this. And I'm never going to not try and be good at it. So it doesn't matter.

I don't give a shit. Do you see people who want to be rich and famous and come out here and fail? Of course. How many of those people have you seen? There's a ton of those. That they get in those for the wrong reason. Instead of loving what the fuck they're doing and let the money come later. The most important thing about an artist is you releasing what the fuck you want to do.

You know what, man? I'm sick and fucking tired and going to work at that funeral parlor. I want to make shoes. What? I actually thought we were recording at a funeral parlor because you're right next door to one and I was like, oh shit.

I see this hearse pull out and I was like, is that where we're talking? Every podcast is a stick now. So what? Because I told you when you came in that I just finished a year. Like what was your process like for trying to get people to bring you on the road?

I mean, you've been doing it for a while. I grew up in a time. I grew up in a different time. Like, I'm old enough in comedy. I grew up and that wasn't a thing. You had to just do it yourself. I knew guys that worked the road. Can I interrupt you for a second?

Yeah, sure. That was a horrific question. I'm sorry? Because you at a year, I'm not looking for anybody to bring you a road. Oh, no. I was saying, like, for young comments. Should be getting ready to get on buses and do feature work all around Texas. But that's what I'm saying.

These kids, they don't know. They don't know. They don't go out and feature. You don't have to have somebody bring you. We're going to bring you on the road. You have to go out there now for two or three years and bang it out. Okay. Bang it out.

So you go and get feature gigs separate of the headliner? Yeah, you can just go and get them for feature work. Okay. See, I don't know. That's why I ask a question. I don't know. You have to go to clubs. I'm not ready to go to a future.

When you go to a club with me and I take you, you have to build a relationship. It's not. That's why I always say to you tip. shut your fucking mouth. Don't ask for tea. Don't do this. Don't grab nobody's ass. Don't grab nobody.

There's certain things you got to do that's a protocol. How do I know? Because I did it when I failed at something. Some clubs didn't bring you back. Did you fuck the weight staff? That's the number one role, Joey. In those days, I was into drugs. So drugs, I was thinking about.

So you hung out with the kitchen staff a lot. A lot. I was thinking about a night right after the longest yard came out. And I would, you know, at that time I would sell. 90 tickets 78 tickets and I had a gig in Ontario

on Wednesday and Thursday they let me headline two shows they were paying me good money finally the improv nice yeah who I love you know I've always loved it giving me a ton of work over the years and they gave me a whole entire room because I had to do radio next day

and I'll never forget that I went to Ontario checked into the hotel room. I tried to put the TV on, and I fucking had to do a line of Coke. And I didn't know anybody. Before radio? That night. Here I am.

I just finished getting the fucking Ontario. I'm in the hotel room at night. I got radio at 6 in the fucking morning. But it's 8 o'clock at night, and I'm crazing cocaine. By 9 o'clock, I didn't know who to call. So I got back in the car. No.

And drove all the way back to Hollywood. Got a gram of car. Coke and drove all the way back to the whole town in Ontario and I snorted Coke till 5 and blew off the radio. You blew it off the whole reason you're there? And the improms were pissed.

I mean fucking furious pissed. Like that was the last time they even took my calls for like a year. Oh wow. Holy shit. Like that type of shit I used to do. Like that was

mine. This is 2006 2005 when I was just out of my rocker But that's the thing is It's because of comics like you guys that fuck everything up And then we end up with no hotel room Or no you know we don't we don't let comics drink anymore because they get all fucked up and don't do it

I never fucked up a hotel room I never did drinking at the bar You never drank after the shows? No there was only two clubs in the country Where I hung out at the bar to Houston last stop and the Miami Improv. The other clubs I went to, like I went to Miami, and it was a fucking party every night, Coconut Grove,

and then I went to Cleveland, and they couldn't wait to get rid of the customers. Like Cleveland's improv at that time, they had a line pointing you to the fucking door. Get out. And here you are at the bar, looking for a pack, Maybe we got a piece of ass.

Yeah. They would hush them out. Where in Miami, they let you hang out. There was a pool table. You got to meet people. Yeah, they had that whole separate bar area. They had, this is the old Miami. This is, this is 99, 2000, 2001, in the third floor in a mall, across from a wet willies.

You know what wet willies are? Those frozen drinks. Then they have the one that's 140 proof. They call a caller cab. Yeah. But the whole mall got them. I cannot describe. Like, I think I told it on Monday's podcast

that I called Rogan on Saturday. And we talked about, I was thinking about Chris. Chris something, he owns the Atlanta punchline. And he's also, what's the chubby kid from Mike and Molly? Billy Gardell's manager, Chris DePetta. Yeah. Christopher is a good, good guy. When I first got here, Christopher,

me a lot and I was just thinking about this the other days I was fucking putting ear plugs in my ear getting ready going to shower I was thinking about Krista Petahue he owned this he owned the Atlanta punchline we also managed whatever he would come out here but his real life was in Atlanta he had kids and the whole thing so he owned the punchline I remember one specific weekend where Rogan took me and Ari to open for him and Red Band was a kid and Tate was Rogan's bodyguard and Eddie Brab would come along just to tag along so they could do Jitsu at a gym so it was like six of us on the road and looking back at that this has to be

2003, 2004, 2002 and we did this video still on there about me calling Duncan and threatening them telling him he's a devil worshipper have you ever seen that clip on YouTube it's old it's me calling Duncan and tell him to stop hanging out with devil worshipers because they're gonna fuck him in the ass at that time it was all of us going out every weekend it was me Rogan Ari Duncan red band red band would just tape film so he and then they would call it the Joe show and it was Joe Rogan's show and it was us on the road every weekend but anyway to get back to the point I still remember being outside that parking lot and making that tape with red band and hanging up and laughing my ass off. And I was up on stage that night.

And I was talking about fucking or sucking or something. And some lady with a southern drawer said, who the fuck would fuck you? And Rogan was back there, and he heard it, made a joke about it. But at that moment in the shower, it came to me, that that was as good as it was for being comedy. Like those times, we were crazy. Like, I still remember hated going to Atlanta Ponce on it.

Because it was an hour from the airport. And we used to fly on Monday mornings then. That was the first couple of times. Rogan took those Sunday shows. And Monday morning traffic with a flight late, delayed. You wouldn't land an LAX or six at night. And that's why I said no more Sundays. Oh, you don't do Sundays?

No. No. I don't fly on Monday. Why? Because it's the busiest day of the week. I don't want to be caught in that. There's no need for it. And for years, I played the Sunday audiences.

Who hated me? More than they hated that. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Sunday, you're miserable. You wake up, your girlfriend calls you, you, She's going to her parents' house for a cookout And here you are on bum fuck, bum fuck

In a motel 6 That the TV don't work It smells like curry In the fucking hallways Who books that? Who the fuck knows? You know, these are the games you take As you're developing over the years

For sure. You know, you don't know that you get there I can't imagine now in the world of What's that shit where you stay at people's houses? Airbnb. If I was a comedy club, either in B&B comics. Well, there's a difference.

You can at least get a whole apartment, putting me in a room at someone else's house. Don't put you in a room with somebody else's in. Yeah, I mean, we used to have to sometimes stay with, like, the wait staff, or I can't tell you how many times I've slept in the extra room where the manager lives. And it's like, you know,

you can't even give us a little our own box. You can't give us a little box. Or a shitty hotel. I'd even take the Curry Hotel you're talking about. Yeah. The motel. I'd rather take that. It's pretty much $60 everywhere in the country for a motel 6,

and I'd rather have that than, like, have to stay at somebody else's house. Yeah, that creeps me. I'm a guy. I just, I would never, that, I think I would sleep in my car instead. Like, that sounds creepy as far. That's, that's part of this whole fucking thing, is that how much you sacrifice, you know, I think you, when you, I don't know if you rephrased it the right way or whatever. Somebody takes you on the road when they see something in you.

Like that girl started taking you on the road. I forget her name. The real funny blonde. Oh, Maria? Maria Bannford. She saw you one night. Thought you were something different in front of her. She, she's a comic.

Yeah. She knows how her audience is going to react to you. I know what my audience of people who come in. I'm going to react. I already know. You have some of the best audience members, too. Yeah, because we're sincere. Yeah.

They listen to podcasts. They're very respectful. They understand the Arctic County. They've heard what we go through in the process. They apply the principles that we use to their own lives as fucking whatever they are, artists or graphic designers or architects that takes a certain discipline. You know, I love when comics come on here and have, stories, especially a fucking woman, especially a Latin woman who's doing comedy.

Let's pretend we just erase the Latin woman. You're just a comedian. You're just one of us. You just have a dick, but you tie it up. You know what I'm saying? I tuck it. I don't tie it up. I push it to the side.

And I tell any woman who... See, a small dick. I tell any woman who comes on the podcast. It's really like a five-inch clit. You know what I mean? Just like a really long clit. I tell any woman... You ever smack a guy on the face with your clit?

No. No. It's weird how I respect women comics a lot because I know what the fuck they go through. Like I was here 20 years ago when there was a guy that hung out in a van and these girls would hang out with them and there were female comic. Those girls were a long gone because it was a party atmosphere. Sure. Like it was a party atmosphere that was really supposed to be a comedic atmosphere. So I've seen people come and go.

and your story, like, you're on your way. Like, I always like to pluck people and put them on the podcast when they're on their way. When you could see that. Not today. It may not be in five years, but it may be in seven years. Or it could be three years.

Or it could be the money. You know what I'm saying? You just have all the tools for that to happen, which is good. You know what I'm saying? That's a great thing. So I wanted the world to discover who the fuck climbing morale is one without telling me about your five-bitch.

I wasn't even just meaning it like they're all. Disgusting fucking clit. You have a five-inch clipped. I don't want to see it. You understand? Why not? It'd be funny. It's disgusting.

It's funny. Oh, but it's fine for you guys to slap a bitch with your dick. I can't slap a guy with my clip. Why not? Listen, I haven't slapped a woman with my dick. And it's got to be 30 years. So what? You still did it.

But that was a long time ago. You can't hold it. against me there's no statue of limitations about I'm not holding it against you I'm just saying I can do the same fucking thing it's a woman's world now my friend chicken's up in your home and you're pop it out of that mouth and head them in the face with it then put it back in that

mouth like a fucking yum yum like a little like a little golf swing I've never smacked a girl in the face that's crazy come on you're focused on the dick you can see it's like that last dick they're going to suck. And once they close their eyes, it's all time, and you take it out. They don't even know what's happening. They don't even know what's happening. They're still in the air like sucking

something. And all of a sudden you just fucking whip them in the face right here. When you take through time and they don't even know what's going on. They start looking around. And then you put it right in their mouth and they go right back into the river. And then they start humming too. So it has like a nice little vibration. Because they're trying to yell at you, but there's a dick in their mouth. And then you ask me like when I hate you in the face with that steer of death, don't you? Yeah, so why can't I do that with my clip? What's wrong with that?

Except I jam it up their nose too sometimes, just to be funny. It's disgusting. Because people are going to contact here and want pictures of your clip now. How long have you, and where did you start? Orlando. Orlando, Florida. Is that where you're from originally? One of the few people that are actually born there.

A lot of fucking, I did not know Orlando was filled. With that many fucking Puerto Ricans. I'm not Puerto Rican, but there is a ton of them. There's a ton of them there. I did not know that. Years ago, I played. What made you think about the Puerto Rican? Because there's tons of them.

When you go to Orlando. That's where they keep them. How far is Tampa from Orlando? Like an hour? Yes. So I did Tampa, Orlando for a Spanish woman. My son was a boxer, and she had... The Camacho.

I don't know. She would book brooms. Yeah, I did a couple of those rooms. She tried booking rooms. That was one of the saddest nights of my life. Wait, tell me, what happened? Puerto Ricans don't like you? This was the Facebook.

This was the MySpace days. And I was writing a blog. I don't know what she was thinking. She hits me up on MySpace, and she's a very nice lady, real attractive, attractive, older, you know. Well, she was younger than me at the time, but whatever. She asked me if I wanted to come that she was a promoter and what was my fee, and I asked her for like a low number. How much?

What was your fee back then? I think I asked her for $7.50 a show. For each show? Yeah. How many shows? One show. Just one show each night in each place? Okay.

And a plane ticket in a hotel to pick me up at the airport. And she was like, no problem. Okay. So I flyed down there the first night. We do tons of fucking radio Friday morning. Spanish, black, white. This is a long fucking time ago. You know, regatone.

I mean, it was horrible. It was horrible. I did a ton of radio. And the first night, we got about 100 people in all. Orlando maybe then the next day had to go to Tampa and I remember going to the hotel

and walking around I couldn't believe how many fucking New Yorkers Oh yeah New York and Ohio They all go there Oh my God Everything is New York City based

I'm walking down the block New York pizza Everything was New York And they really are from New York And they really are who they say they are Yeah I mean the pizza is everything And Tampa, those people down there that I remember walking and seeing a yellow and blue umbrella

and going, am I fucking hallucinating? There's sad bread hot dogs in Tampa. Oh, yeah. And I walked up to the guy and I go, how are you doing? Are these really sadbreads? I was like, yeah, I'm a retired fireman. I moved down here after I retired and I saw hot dogs. And he had the onions, the bun, the red, hotwood.

Yeah, and here's, you know what the trick is, is they boil them and he put a little bit of red, wine vinegar in the water and that's what makes them all extra sabretti that's what it is so good and the guy told me he goes you know that's what the yankees have their spring training so it's like the whole everybody's from new york down there i did not know it so we get to tampa and it's tonight somebody's fighting in the u.c i know you know who it was for sure the guy we had on years ago that he showed up on a Monday night and we had somebody else there he fought Anderson silver beat him up he's from Ohio and this and silver beat him up two times he was the world champion this is how long ago it was he was fighting somebody else we must have had 16 people at that show oh wow you still

pay she still pay you and she came up to me there's one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life. Because by that time, I had had it with those type of promoters. Yeah. The night of the show, they pull you aside and go, let me holl at you for a second. That's always when you know, you're going to, somebody, it's going to be some bullshit. Think about it. If I offer you a job, Joey, I'm going to be a graphic designer.

You're going to get 40 hours every week at $30 an hour. And every week, I pull you aside and go, hey, man. I know you work 40 hours, but I'm only going to pay you for 20. You know what? It's not acceptable. It's not acceptable at any level. No, it's fucking ridiculous. It's fucking ridiculous.

And they're all making money. Like, I worked what led into this situation, not to let anybody a Carmen or elite that judge me in the wrong way was. I got involved for three years with just bad promoters. like I went from one to another it's the luck of the drawling comedy well we're all horrors at that point we need money and

we want to do big venues and we want to get better at comedy so when you dedicate yourself to the road rich Franklin rich Franklin so rich Franklin was fighting but to lead up to this I got involved with the Latino knights of comedy

he says he was the promoter of earthwind fire he had this long resume, he called you on the phone and give you any of beating. Oh, geez. I took three beatings from him. Three beatings. The first one was, I understood, let me holl at you. Listen, I can't give you the 500.

I promised you. I'm only going to be able to give you $300, but I brought you a little bag of Riefer just to let you know I'm in your corner, you know. And after a while, you get people, think of people doing that to you every week. Then the second time I work for him. At some point, it's like you're insulting my intelligence at this point. Oh, my God. Then the second time I work for him, there was something else that was fucked up.

He did something with the plane tickets. So we had to take a bus, and it was all night long. And then the third time I worked for him, I got three quarters of the money. But at three in the morning, my door was knocking. He had ran out on the tab on the radio station. The police were there, the manager of the venue. And the ad people were waiting for their fucking money. And that's when I said, I can't work for him.

Yeah, they're not getting their money. What makes you think he's ever going to give you your fucking money? And then I had this white dude out of like some part of Texas that every time I'd work for him, there was always a story. And I'd mix it up with other work. Like, you know when it's too late to cancel that on me? Yeah, because you have a whole run set up. There's too much stuff on both sides.

Yeah. He would always call you a week before to run. Hey, I'd switch the gate for. from Friday to Saturday. You did what? I can't. What do you want me to do? Yeah, there's a, there's a barbecue on Friday

so nobody will come to the comedy show, you know, a week before the fucking show. There was one of those guys. So I went through all this shit. Mm-hmm. This is the shit that you have to go through in order to get to people to pay you in clubs. You have to work those shittier rooms

for a long fucking time. I mean, there are ways to not have to do that if you grow up in a scene like Miami or like a scene. that has an A club, a lot of times they don't go through those. And a lot of those comics don't end up being good because of it. Because when you're battling, you know, people wanting to watch the MMA fight or wanting to, you know, when you're interrupting people's seafood dinner that they didn't know a fucking comedy show is about to happen, once you figure out how to still make that work, then you're completely and utterly unstoppable. Because you've gone through everything.

What do you think? You think four people is going to stop me from? performing incredibly well. No, let me show you how I can dazzle four motherfuckers who are completely uninterested. What time do you usually go up at the store? Now I do all the opening sets, so it's

super early. So I bite the bullet all the time. Good, good. What do you think of those opening spots? Look, here's the thing, Joey. I'm charming as fuck, okay? And people like that. So it's not that bad. It's not that bad. I also don't

hate people like everybody does. It's supposed to be cool as a comedian to hate people. I don't hate people. I mean, I hate things that people do, but they're all just, I mean, we're all just fucking trying, right, until we're dead? Yeah, no, no. This is what you do. I mean, there's no giving up.

Once you join the family, there's no turning back. I can't see on Facebook in 10 years selling real estate. No. No, you can't mean. This mouth doesn't work well with an HR department. And I've seen a lot of that lately, and it's sad. It's saddened me and it gives me a chance to pat myself on the back because I stuck with something. Mm-hmm.

You know, there's a lot of things that motivate me that I can't talk about in public because people get their feelings hurt. You know, this shit that I couldn't do as a comic, but that's my decisions. What do you mean? Like, what? What can't you do? You can do anything. That's why it's the greatest art form, right? Well, I don't mean like that.

Oh. I guess things I wouldn't do anymore because of how I like to work things. Okay. I couldn't see myself at that position right now. After all the work, I put in. So when I see those guys in that position, I kind of pat myself on the shoulder for sticking with it. Sure.

There's a lot of people right now that are funny and I am back home and they're not doing what they love because they gave up on this place to have excuses. they point their fingers at you and other comics and say we're gay or whatever the fuck. That's the only way to make it in LA is to be gay. Is that all you got to do? Dude, you should have told me that when I first got here.

If I knew about Harvey Weinstein, I would have sucked this dick 10 years. I would have sucked this dick. For a $43 million deal? Yeah, for whatever. You know, it's, but not really. See, and that's what I admire about you that you have been doing comedy for 12 years

and one day you walk into the comedy store and accept a job as a dog girl, whatever the fuck you want to call. It was strange. What was strange to me about that is everybody else's reactions to it. Because it was like some people were like, I can't believe you took that job, like you're above that job. And some people were like, I don't know if that's a good move.

Like you work the road and stuff. Like everybody was just like feeling all this apprehension for me. And I was like, well, yeah, I don't know. But if it doesn't work out, then it just doesn't work out. Are they cool? work in the road? Yeah. I mean, that was my only stipulation because they asked me, and they told me it was like the quickest way for me to kind of get through that whole passing system. And I said, well, as long as I was like, why, the only way I make money is through stand-up. I don't have a job

or anything like that. So as long as this doesn't stop me from working the road at all, then it's fine. And they've been really cool. Like, I was just gone for almost two months and they were good. They were cool. And then I came back for two weeks and then was gone again. Like, they're awesome. I mean, I mean, they know. And, and I work, they're incredible people, too. Like, they also believe in me too. Like, and I'm very honest with them. I'm like, I'm not, I'm not going to try to fuck you over when I'm here. I'll do my job. It's a very, very positive place. It's really great. It's really become a very, very, no arguing, no more hassles. Everybody really gets along with each other. Nobody runs the clock and does three hours, no more. or it's become. Well, except for Chappelle, but that's fine. No.

Was he there last night? Did he stay? As I was walking out, he was walking out. I didn't see. He went up last night. Did he? Yeah. But he went up a couple, like a month ago and was there till like five in the morning.

Wow. But they also expect that from him, too. You know what I mean? It's also. I'm not mad at Chappalo. Dave Chappelle. You know. Exactly.

And he's on. doing it every night. No. Which would be... That must be frustrating. Because Joey was great and I got to do... I said at the open mic or friends and family this week.

And he didn't... I think he did less than 15 minutes, but I had never seen anything get bumped or... I guess it's not even really a bump. It was just a drop in from like Todd Barry came and did the room. And it was cool. After seeing like 20, three minutes sets to see like a guy who's... a professional going and like how he can work at the same audience and how they were quiet before

another laughing it was it was i went up a lot later it was fun it's really weird to see when somebody figures out the puzzle it's a beautiful thing to see when there's 10 comics and all out of the 10 comics on an open mic eight of them eat it yeah and two of them do okay they got a couple laughs and then a guy that's been doing comedy 15 20 years walks up there and just levels the room. I love doing that is I know that sounds so braggadocious, but I love that. I love when it's just a string of nothing, just passing the baton of cock, and then you just watch and just go, oh, you guys just haven't been fucked right.

Like, it's just one of those things. It really is. And you go up there and watching the audience, you're watching each comment dig a hole. Yeah. And you just avoid all those landmines. You're like, I'm just going to avoid those landmines, and I'm going to attack them this way. And you level them and you come off the stage and they look at you and they go, what the, they touch you like Jesus. They're like, what the fuck did you just do?

Nothing, though. It's what I do. But what's even funnier is when you do that and you go up and you're like, oh, I'll got this and you go up there and then you eat a big fact dick too. Oh. That humbling experience, the exact opposite that happens where you're like, am I even a comic? Do I even do this right? I started eating a dick last night in the main room. In the original room, I had them, but I really didn't.

But none of that stuff bothers me at the economy store. Right. Like, it doesn't affect me. It's just the cost of doing business. When I go to the economy store, even at this level now, and I still eat a bag of dick. Like, last night I closed with an old joke. The cat snort and coke. Oh, really?

Wow. Yeah, that means I'm dying. When you hear that joke, that means I'm dying. That doesn't mean I'm dying. It means that either I got sold. high. I forgot my material. Which happened. You gotta go do it in the vault. I get back into the main room

and fucking G-dos back there with Speedweed. And right away, it gives me a blunt. And I smoke and nobody wants to smoke. So I'm sitting there. I'm down to what happened. I smoked the whole thing by myself. By the time I got up, I forgot everything. I tried new shit. I wanted

to try some new shit. It's just not clicking. They don't see me as a dad. The audience does not see me as a dad. I can't sell that quality. I can sell uncle. Uh-huh. But I can't sell the dad. They laugh at the

jokes, but then they go back. Uncle Joey jokes, they go with. It's very weird. Well, you should remind them that sometimes uncles are dads too, motherfucker. It's really weird. So I've been trying this new material out. Just to, you know, hey, listen, you got to change it up constantly.

You have to evolve. As a human, as a comic, as a nutrition, as an artist, There's a fucking painter. You just can't keep painting dicks or five inch clits every day. I'm going to draw a different five-inch clip from a different perspective. After a couple of weeks, somebody's coming up to you. That's what that Japanese artist did at the 50 views of Mount Fuji. What did he do?

It was like he did 50 different views of the same mountain. And all the, all the, but I get what you're saying. You see what you're saying? Yeah, I know. Especially at the store. Every time you show up, you have to show up with a different gun. I do feel that way. Like I have to do a different set every time I go up.

There's some nights I got to show by John Wick. Yeah. You got to show up with 20 weapons like John Wick. And there's some nights I just don't care. I'm just so happy to be there. Like by the time I got to the original room last night, it was like I had done a fucking hit of heroin. Yeah?

You were not enough? No, I was not known. But my pace was very very much. very slow and then I'd bang them but it was very slow but in the the main room I had to come out like a gorilla mm-hmm I had to come out swinging in the main room for my life and it's just a different feeling swinging in the main room or the original room in the main room I came out swinging for my life okay that's how I feel out of the first round in the

original room I just sat back in the pocket and smacked them around a little bit yeah my time if you were going to ask me that question before I would have reversed it I thought you were always a lot more aggressive in the original room but last night I went up last in the main room so the positioning where you're at all these things matter I didn't know they told me they already just saw a stellar show yeah they told me they were going up at 845 when I got that they said no they had a swissed schedule so if I was where I was supposed to stay my my energy would have been different where I went as the closure of the show

I had to go out there as an animal that's the mindset so this didn't I didn't write this this is the years of doing it this is years of going through the fucking process yeah you don't want the show to end like as a bummer and if they just saw an incredible because that's the other thing too is different if it's a bunch of people

eating dicks but this is the main room of the comedy store you know there's a ton of great comedians that just went up if you have to go at the end you know you have you have to dazzle them. You can't just go up there be like, so what else about me? Like, you have to fucking close the shell. But you also have to

think of who you are and what you are. I don't ever want you to forget who you are because everybody else is having a bad set. So you're going to go up there and try to be no, no, no, no, no, no. You're going to, I've always gone up there. For years, I went up there with that attitude at the store. I was never competitive.

I was just like do-or-die situation because I Yeah, you got to survive. I never knew if it was going to be my last spot. When I got to the store, they told me Mitsy has the place wired. She hears every set at home. She watches everything. And fucking the first weekend I'm there, she put me in the original room in the main room.

Sure enough, I saw that Monday. And she goes, you had a hard time in the main room Saturday night. And then I jumped on her and said, I don't ever want to go back in there. I told that I don't ever want to go back in there. That's crazy. I don't like the main room as much either. Let me stay here. Yeah.

Let me just do original spots and we'll keep, we'll stay friends. And she was like, oh no, I'm putting you back in there next week. And that went on for a year. And yeah, I made money because in those days, those spots would pay $450. Mm-hmm. But at the same time, it was 20 minutes of horror. Mm-hmm. Like if you see it and all these scary movies, you have no idea.

Yeah. You have no. It was 20 minutes of horror. horror. I'll take a killer clown any day. At 12.20. Okay, when there's about 84 people. Yeah. That type of shit.

When it just starts getting real depressing. Yeah. And, you know, that's where you start from. That's just, that's the whole thing. But again, that's as good as it gets. The reason why I go into the original room and lay it out like that, isn't because I just woke up one day or somebody took me out on the road. No, no, no, no.

no, no, no. It was all that shit I chiseled off. Like, I have these shows in Buffalo, and I know they're going to be buck wild. And I'm just dabbing with the idea of bringing Lee and just throwing them out there to the wolves. Because they're coming from Canada, and I want to see them throw bottles out of this shit. Don't give them ideas. Don't throw bottles at me, please. Oh, please. I just, I'm dabbing with it. I don't know for sure. Jesus Christ. This girl is supposed to be featured for me up there, but if something happens, I'm not to call you and to throw you through rules.

Okay. In Buffalo, just to see where I got drawn to. He's got to learn how to swim somewhere. He's either going to drown or he's going to... I have had a glimpse at it this year. Like, I did a show when the knockout of the year was happening, like, right behind me. But it's crazy how the audience really does matter. Like, I noticed that because I just did the main room a week or two ago.

And then I did the original room the other night. But the main room was more comedy fans. Like, they were podcast people, and they were comedy fans. And the original room was, like, people who go to the open mic. It was kind of, it was an interesting how the art, like, some of the same material, they reacted to differently because of what kind of audience they were. Well, I don't look at it that way. They're all fucking audiences.

They're all the same. They're all the same. Don't start categorized. But that's what I was talking about about your fans, not so much that they appreciate comedy, but also that they're good laughers. Like whenever people Like and I'll ask people in line and stuff like that Who are you here to see?

And when they're there for you That room, it just vibrates. They're stoned. Yeah. They're stone. Is that what it is? They're stone. They're excited.

They know I'm excited. You know, I start sending the signals out About 5 o'clock. Your smoke signals you deserve it. I start sending signals out to the troops Let them know, bitch. I hope you're getting ready because I am. I already went to the gym.

I just ordered salmon. I rolled a joint. I'm going to go downstairs after room service and smoke a fucking dube. Do you realize how cool that would be if other people could get that as their jobs? If people could get that excited about them, you never see like a bunch of people

like just outside of a surgeon's office. Like, dude, I can't wait till you fucking cope and just cut open my chest, just get real jazzed about it. I think people would do their jobs better if they had more cheerleaders. Like if they had more actual fans? I think people start off liking their job.

Everybody starts off liking your job, you know, especially if you go back on a college and you went for that specialized thing, everybody starts, you know, we love comedy. Yeah. We love comedy. Do you think that's what one of the things that people are attracted to us by is that we love the thing so much? We love comedy. Yeah.

What makes comedy hard? Answer me. Any of you years. What makes comedy hard? hard. Us, we make it hard. The business side? The business side. Yeah, but that's the us part. When we're on,

all this was about was us doing comedy. This is all this about. When you first got up on state, D.L. He was at the store last night. And I looked at him and I'm like, I still remember him blowing up

Def Jam off an MC spot. Getting a standing ovation and that had to be over 20 years ago when he was hosting Def Jam. He took it for Martin for a while Martin Lawrence Quidd or something.

I don't know what the deal was. I saw him get a standing ovation as an MC on HB. fucking O. Wow. If he was that good then, how deadly and calculated is he today?

That was pure energy off an MC spot. That was always my dream. That's the reason why when I went to the store, see, a little secret to a lot of people don't know is I had already become a regular. And I was already hosting on Sunday nights, but they said they needed a doorman on Sunday nights. So I went to Mitsy, I go Mitzi. How about I worked the door from 7 to 10? And then at 10 I host, and while I do my 15 minutes, I have somebody work the door. And then when I get off stage, between sets, I just have somebody who wants her back door. She goes, done.

But she was never there on Sundays. So I scammed it out. I farmed it out. Oh, that's awesome. You have to do this to people, because at that time, the store had this overflow of comics. It doesn't have it anymore.

Like, you don't see that at all. anymore. But there was a time when there was an overflow of comics that would go up to the mingle on any given night, especially if the rumor got out that Mitzie was going to be up there during a week. So a lot of old-time comics and comics would show up there, like those hallways that you see now, that's all people. When I got to the store, that was all comics, waiting for Mitzie to come up to there so they could torment her. Oh, the bag of her for shit. Yeah.

Missy, we love you. Can we get your soda? So there was all those people up there and there were haters. That's so gross. So what they would do is in those days at 12 o'clock, somebody would come out and they would put a list out. And those first 20 people would sign up. And those regulars who didn't get spots. So it would be a bunch of regulars who didn't get spots.

So what I would do. is like the reason why they weren't getting spots is because they just didn't cut it. Yeah. I knew this from the grapevine. Yeah. This guy bombed too much. This guy bombed in front of Mitzie.

You hear about it, you know. Yeah. So you saw that list. I would see the list and go, oh, this is like six bombs in a row. And there's a hundred people in there. They can't take it. Yeah.

I didn't do this for myself for personal reasons. I did this so they could be a longer show. Right, so they didn't walk everybody. These comics that would sign up, the first 20, were comics that were disgruntled. They were pissed off. They were angry. They were jealous.

And I don't blame them. I'm not mad than anybody. I would never want to be in that position myself. At that position, I had nothing. In those years, I had nothing. But I wasn't as disgruntled as they were. Right. At least I had the Sunday night hosting spot at 10 o'clock.

That was a cool fucking spot to have. Okay, so it would be the open mic, friends and neighbors, whatever the fucking program. Friends of the family. And then they would slip a few regular door people in there. Sure. And then I would come up at 10 and do 10 minutes. So what I would do on Sunday nights was I would pace it out. The first Sunday I would call Paul Mooney.

And go, Paul Mooney, I'm hosting tonight, bro. If you're there at 10.15, I'll put you on it. You can do how much time you want to do. Yeah, I got you. And he'd say, okay, brother, I'll be down. And he'd get there, sure enough, 10 o'clock. I'd fucking get offstage to Paul Mooney so I can leave. So I would fucking, I would get up, go outside, get Don Barris, and go,

here's the list. You want to host the rest of the next? And the next day, I would find out that. Mooney did an hour. So by that time, it's Mooney. By the time Mooney got off, they lost 40 people and those guys could get on stage. But those 20 comics would be back there fucking furious. Of course.

Furious. And I would never say it was me. I would always go, what do you want me to do? Stop Paul Mooney from going on stage? So I had a list. I had Mooney, Eddie Griffin, Rogan, Dice. Oh wow. So I would rotate them.

So every Sunday I would call them and say, hey, I know you're interested in doing an hour. Come on down and do your hour. I'm gonna get off stage at 10-10. And they get there and I get on stage and bring them up. And I give Don Barris to paperwork and I go buy a fucking grandma blow and go in the bathroom and do it. And wait for fucking the guy that dressed up by Jesus Christ to come in that he used to hate Jewish people. So he used to put his finger under his nose. And then he locked himself in the meds bathroom

and they kicked the door down to get him out Robert at Bavaya. Every Sunday night, I dealt with lunatics up there. He's still there. No, he's not. Yes, he is. He wears a green jacket. Yes. He goes on stage and he talks about, yeah.

What does he look like now? He looks old and crazy. I'm certain just as crazy as he did when you saw him. He's just old now. They accused me to lighting him on fire one night, which I wasn't even here. I wish you had. I was in Miami, and I got a call from the talent. Sounds like something you might have done.

I was thinking about it, but I talked about it and somebody took it seriously. I think about it every time I'm working in. Because it was a fire bomb. What happened was he would lock himself in the men's bathroom right by the window there. Now, you don't know how many times. There was comics that actually put mirrors. There was one comic in particular with no names, no names. Sure, sure.

In fact, I just saw him on Facebook. He's not a comic no more. He had a mirror in that bathroom, and you could see girls pissing and shit. So all you have to do is sit on the stairs and look at the mirror. Oh, wow. This guy was a filthy animal. That's why he's not a comic no more. Oh, my God.

We would always sit there and talk shit. In those days, what's his name? The guy that hosts at night, the ding-dong show? Yeah. Don Barris. Tom Barris would torment Robert and Povier. They would go at it so bad that Robert and Povier would lock himself in the men's bathroom for hours.

They'd have to bang on the dog. They still go at it. He calls him a racist pedophile. Yes. So this is real. So one night I'm sitting and I'm like, why doesn't somebody just light a fire and throw it into the window like toilet paper, put gasoline on it? I watch the burning bed once too many times and throw it in there.

Well, fucking, do you know, I'm out of the car? town a month later somebody threw a toilet paper roll down fire and he couldn't turn it off in the toilet something happened in the men's bathroom oh my god well i get a call on a monday that you said i'm on fire i go no i'm in miami yeah that it wasn't me there was so much drama with him on sunday nights like it was craziness i used to be there and i think i hosted three years on sunday night you did not do that for three years yes i did every sunday night bang it out with guerrillas Doug. What do you mean? You did 10 minutes and left? But I had to be

there working the door from 7 to 10. So I would hear all the chitter chatter and all the bullshit and all the how come I can't go up number three? I deserve it. Where's Mitzie? When is Mitsy coming down? When Mitsy comes down here, I'm going to straighten this problem out.

Everybody had a story with Mitzie. Everybody had a fucking story. I just got to the point where I would tell people, listen, I don't want to hear your fucking stories. The other day, I was driving on Laurel K, and I told him, but this creepy guy that I'll put odds down that if I look that guy up, he molested somewhere, somebody somewhere along the line. He was bald.

He'd wear a long jacket. And he'd come up there and tell you about all the gigs he'd do. This is before the internet. I would never look him up. He dropped names. And I'd let him go for about an hour. And I'd look at him and go, yeah, but you're not doing any spots here. and he would just crack.

You would hear the... And he would walk away. I've done that to a few people. Because he was so annoying on Sunday night's talk. I would get tormented. Yeah, of course. Because you're the only one there. And so you're the only...

You're wearing the logo. So they just feel... No, I didn't have a shirt on. I would wear my own clothes. But they would still unload all their shit on you. They would just... They would unload their shit on me. And it was every week.

Then that other guy started bothering me. They said I killed. The old man. You killed one too? No. You set one on fire and he killed one? Man, they're really forgiving at the store. This guy was a fucking old guy that was crazy.

He was crazy and he had his moments of being nice. But then by the end of the night, the medication would wear off. And it always ended with him marching off, throwing a bottle at the wall and saying a bunch of shit. This was mental health at its finest. I mean, we've seen mental health. This is, this is, when you go to an open mic in a small town, like when you first started out, like, when I, when I started in Denver, I was just talking about the guy that was, what's his name, the man of a thousand voices. Yeah. And he only heard two.

Everybody's dead. Yeah, he had one shitty voice. You know, the day he had his tape recorder, and he was hitting his tape recorder. The guy bombed, and he was hitting his tape recorder, and he fucking kept selling. I go, what's the matter? He goes, this thing doesn't pick up the laughter. I mean, when you're that delusional, and then I moved to Seattle. And?

And you should have seen the open micers up there on a Monday night. If there was 16 open micers, six them could legally be declared. And I know two of them. I know one of them who killed himself from that crew for sure. Another one who wanted to kill herself for sure. That was what I learned. that there was a problem in our community. Oh, yeah.

And I started doubting who I was. Why? Because this is what you go through as a comic. When you read, because I got thrown out of Denver, so I went to Seattle. And when I got to Seattle Monday nights, we're Josh Wolf. Okay.

Brody Stevens. Tain him anew. Mitch Hedberg, um, charred Hogan, all these comics. But there was this one blonde comment that would come up every week with a handcuff on. And he would just go up there and fight for his life and then come off and explain the situation to you.

I mean, I saw some shit when I lived in Seattle. I was working on an open mic one night when a comic walked in and he was holding his side. And I go, what's up? And he goes, man, get me a towel. My wife just stabbed me. He was bleeding. Bro, that motherfucker wrapped himself up and went up on stage and did his six minutes and then went to the hospital. That's mental how it.

issues right there. There was another guy that would go up on stage for six minutes. I missed that. That doesn't happen in open mics anymore. Now it's just everybody's anxious and depressed. It's like, come on. Every 20 open mic. Can we get a skits on here every once in a while and keep things

interesting? The problem is there's no open mic here like that because the stakes are different. Again, this is why I do not. like this place because the stakes are different an open mic in Houston and open mic in Orlando open mic in Syracuse and open mic in Michigan is a complete different

open mic than you're gonna see in Los Angeles that's true okay Los Angeles is a complete different it's a different dream mm-hmm it's a different thing it's a different and you start talking to people and you see that you're not really in love with comedy you're in love with the dream of being a star you think by coming down here three times a week this is going to save you and change your life it's a whole lifestyle that you have to adhere to so i've seen them come and go especially at the store guys that had way more talent guys that wrote you could tell that they wrote they just the pressures of l.a. was just too much the ups and downs or whatever that's because

they never had the foundation. That foundation of not carrying. See, when I do an open mic in Michigan, I'm not worried about the guy from APA being in the audience. Yeah. When I'm in an open mic in Michigan, the first two years, nobody talks to you about a headshot. I don't give a shit.

No, they're too busy talking about dick jokes. You're fucking porn titles. The first two years, you're taking pictures of your license and giving them to people. That's my headshot. You know, the first two years you're thinking, Your emphasis is on stand-up. Right.

It's not about what ifs. This is who I don't like about L.A. Because the stakes are different. You know, when you talk to people in San Francisco, they can't wait to come to L.A. Because the stakes are different. But they have to stay in their hometown and build the foundation.

I tell that to people all the time. And the foundation, to be safe, is six to eight years. Just to be safe. just to be safe at all angles. So I want you to come back and tell me about when you slept in your car, when you get to the hotel and all the rooms would check that.

When you had a share a room with the headliner, he lost a leg in Vietnam. So the whole night you had to stare at his leg hanging on the wall. You know, you have no idea. Yeah. It's not the stage part. It's the living through that daily struggle.

That's what builds you up. And that's what makes other comics relate to you. By the time you get here, nothing could really bother you. Like, well, I got to sit here until 1230. All right. I've heard I've done worse. I've had to sit outside a hotel overnight to wait to check in at 3. And you're in there at 301.

How you doing? Hi. Joe Diaz. Yeah. I'm one of the comedians. You been in your car stinking it up, fart and eating subway sandwiches. Fast food and flagellas. Rolling roaches.

Like, you're just rolling roaches that are fucking in your car. You're ripping them apart. to make them enough for a bowl. Yeah. You got change in your fucking, you got, I had a box of change. I'll never forget that change box. I was hidden under the front seat. And that was like going there.

Like, I didn't know how much exact it was in there. It had to be like $18. Like, I still remember leaving Boulder for the road the first time. I had two licenses. Like, I thought I'd lost my license and I got another one. And I never forget filling up the car and telling the guy, I didn't have no cash. Here's my license.

I'll be back in five minutes and not paying to be gas, just leaving my license. Like, I probably got a warrant and bolder for $20. But it's amazing. Well, that's the difference that people don't see. You know, before Bill Burr was Bill Burr, he had to get booed to debt in Boston. Thousands and millions of people saw that video.

Philadelphia. By that time, yeah, Philadelphia. By that time, Bill Burr, I'd be doing comedy 15, 20 years right yeah and you're still getting booed at that that's what people don't realize I've noticed the well that's why it doesn't make sense for me when the young ones they're like two years in and they want to move here and I'm like why would you want all this additional pressure like it doesn't make any sense you should go and fall in love with it for real and then come here and endure this because if you're not if you come out here when you're half-ass into it who would do this

why I don't understand who would do this why who would I'm in the time I was living in 99 I had no breaks on my car I can hear that I've done that I've done that when you do you pull the oh yeah I would be on the 1 10 doing 90 with no breaks no insurance and no red registration

and I remember fucking breaking and hearing the metal cheering oh my God you're going when is this going I would you feather the e-break you feather the e-break when is this going to end my life and that car got

I towed with everything I owned in it. Head shots, boxing gloves. Mine was stolen. I had mine stolen. When I was living out of my car, my car got stolen. From where? In L.A.? No, in Florida.

I was just coming back from being on the road. And at the time, I had like $10,000 with a camera equipment. I started accruing camera equipment over the years too because then I was taking pictures of people and shit. So I would just do people's headshots. That was another way I would make extra money on the road. I was always into a side scam. Like I used to sell weed.

I used to sell drugs. whatever, anything I could do to, so I didn't have to stop doing stand-up. Everything else was always just like a symptom of me being able to have enough money that I could keep doing stand-up. And then I came back and my car got stolen. They stole it to like commit a bunch of crimes in. And then, so I lost all my shit. I lost everything.

I had all my clothes in there, all my toilet trees. I had to buy new toothbrush. Why did you get into Stand-up County? What made you fall in love with the art? I was a fan of it when I was a little kid. Like the first one, Bill Cosby himself and Gallagher was, I don't remember which one it was. The one where there was the big couch at the end where he jumps on the couch and he pulls all the stuff, everything has it. Everybody has in their couch or something like that.

And then Robin Williams' night at the Roxy. So then I just used to like, you know how like little, like a lot of times little kids will want to watch Frozen over and over and over again? I just used to do that, but with stand-up specials. And what made you finally decided to take the plan? Did you tell your mom and dad? No. I mean, I tried to keep it from him for a long time. How were you when you got on stage?

22. 22. And you knew at that point when you got on stage, this is what you wanted to do. I guess I didn't know at first because I used to do, I did debate when I was in high school. I was a theater kid. I used to sing in choirs and shit. So I was in front of people, but I wasn't doing the thing that I wanted to do, which was the hardest one.

So I was just scared of it. And then even my, I used to sell timeshare over the phone. And even like my boss at that job was like, what the fuck are you doing here? Like, you feel like you should be doing something else. And her next door neighbor was engaged to a comedian. And I didn't know you could just be a comedian. I didn't know you could just do it. So I was just, I just thought you like they handpick you because you.

You were this brilliant, talented thing, and that was it. You just had to get discovered. I didn't know they were like, they were poor comedians. And then I was like, well, I could be a poor comedian. So then I started going to open mics. I did that classic comedian deal where I was like, if I go up, if I get any laughs, I'll come back and do it. And I didn't write anything beforehand. It was all completely improvised.

I just bullshit. I made up a whole story when I was on stage and I got a laugh. So I came back. Did you tell your mom and dad you were doing it? at this point? No, I didn't tell him for that for a while. What did they think when you first told them? Well, I mean, my dad told me he would never support me if I went into the arts,

but he told me that when I was a kid, so I didn't really, really care what he thought. But my mom was always, like, she was always supportive. What did your dad want you to be? He wanted me to be, I think, an accountant. Did you have sisters or brothers? Yeah, I have a half-sister. Okay, so he wanted you to be an accountant. Why?

Is he a fucking accountant? No. He is the eighth grade He went to school up to eighth grade and then stopped going to school Where? Well, he started in Cuba and then he would he finished it in Jersey He's a New Jersey Cuban guy from what part of Jersey is he Union City? Is he so we know each other maybe yes he's probably like 10 years 10 or 15 years old

He's six. Yeah, he's probably like 10 years old of them really or maybe no maybe like six or seven Yeah, we know each other. Yeah, maybe So he quit going to school in the eighth grade to get a job and stuff like that. Yeah. How was the upbringing? He loved you, but he was strict as fuck. And insane. Yeah, he's like, he's like, he's like the unique kind of bipolar that changes really fast.

So he was absolutely nuts. What's bipolar mean that he's angry one minute and happy and other? Or depressed or angry, yeah. And what was he doing for a living at that time? He was working at a bakery. He worked for the Marita bread factory in Orlando And then he also worked for Eastbalt bakery Which is like the factory that would make the buns for McDonald's

No shit Mm-hmm Old school Cuban dude Yep And what does he do now? Now he don't do shit He's retired And you still talk to him

Mm-hmm You're tight with him I mean I still fight with him He likes to fight so I fight with him Do you call him to try to rev him up Sometimes he calls me to try to try to rev me up That's great

That's what I do with my daughter I rev her up all that time Yeah And she can't take it yet Yes she could She could That's what we do is Cuban dad We push the envelope below

It's tough being a Cuban dad It's tough being a dad Is it? Yeah it's tough He has a lot of shit to consider Especially now With everything that's happened The last couple years

you have to adjust. I think there's always been no way to raise your daughter. And the girls I grew up with, a lot of the girls I grew up with their parents did a good job. I'm looking at these girls and I'm thinking back about going to their house

as a kid and just being friends with them, nothing sexual, going to their basement and party and how their dads were and how their parents were. I try to mimic their actions because their daughters came out, listen, they're not rocket scientists. Right.

But they're not out there fucking sucking 20 dicks on beam pole upside down, singing daddy issues. They're all married. They have kids. But a lot of times you can't control some of the shit that happens to your kids. Well. You know what I mean? Like my parents tried to pretend. My dad was super strict and I still ended up getting molested.

He couldn't fucking change that because he didn't know what's happening from the inside of the family. You know what I mean? There's some shit that you just, as much as stricter as whatever, you know, that you want to try to do, sometimes you can't, you can't be there all the time, you know? So that's what you should just also have a good,

like communication. Like, if I would have been comfortable, if I wasn't, have been scared of my dad, I would have been able to talk to him about some shit that happened to me, you know,

but I didn't feel safe at home either because he was always so strict and so insane. So I was like, I think you have to be able to do both, you know? I talked to my daughter a lot. Mm-hmm.

I talked, I told my wife to him. She had it until she was five and then after five, I got to take it down a long road because that's what we do. You have to push your daughter a little bit just so she sees. Absolutely. And I write every day for her. I write a journal for her so something happens to me. She knows what the fuck I am.

She doesn't have to hear it secondhand or anything like that. Just I wanted to be a peace as a woman. You know, I think I mean a lot of women in my business that aren't a piece. and they're chasing it for peace and then they get married, have a kid, and there goes the career out the window. I don't understand them no more, whatever the fuck they would do.

Yeah, I don't know. Just there's so many different reasons why people do standups. But back to the mental health issue, that was scary when I got into comedy. Like how many people were there with mental health issues, but you didn't have the balls to tell them.

I would look at them and smile and say, God bless them. Debra, for the grace of God, go I. Let them think whatever they want to think. There was one in Seattle in particular that was a man and she became a woman. And she was the ugliest thing you ever saw in your life.

Oh, like no effort. Oh, my God. And if you saw her hands, you could tell she was a man. And they were big, creepy hands, and she would put nails on it. And it looked like this fucking animal. And she was four foot eight. And she would wear heels.

And she would wear a wig and she would put makeup on it. They had done the whole thing. One of our jokes was, they cut my dick off and I have it in a jar at the house. I mean, there was mental health issues running there. Like the government at that time, she had more opiates than anybody. Wow, yeah. Like, she had purses filled the pills, like, you know. And she kind of, like, she had diabetes something.

They told us not to drink. And she kept drinking, but her head was too big. Like, when she was a man. too big? Yeah, because when you're a man and you become a woman, something happens. I don't know. Oh, and you start taking like the hormones and stuff. I had got really big, so it would throw her balance off. Oh, wow. So there's time she'd be walking and she'd fall. Like a betty boop? She'd just fall over. So she'd go on stage at dance clubs and dance and have a couple drinks and her and the balance

would go and she'd fall on the head. That's what she finally died of. She landed on a fucking coconut and went to a coma. Oh, no. And died. The kid, Jeff from talking about. She shouldn't drink at a Margaritaville. Why would you drink at a place with coconuts? I don't know.

I didn't ask her. She just landed on her head and fucking went into a coma. And then fucking, the kid that used to put the handcuff on, Jeff, whatever his fucking name is, he hung himself. I worked with one of those lunatics from Seattle. He used to do this bit at the same. the end where he would do a strip dance and end up in a thong. Did you ever work with that guy?

And he was like, we worked together in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and the comedy club in the basement of a strip club. And he would go up there and he kept telling everybody that he was sober, but then he would go and get shith housed. And then I would have to take care of him. And I didn't fucking know that guy. I just met him. But the club's like, all right, here you go.

Is this club still open? I know. I mean, it was just a lundering, like, a money laundering comedy club. It wasn't like a legit. They didn't give a fuck about the show. All their money was being made upstairs. It was in Milwaukee. Yeah, Milwaukee's always had like a weird scene.

The comedy club was a week. But that comic was from Seattle. The comic that you, that was crazy. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I left Seattle 20 years ago. So God knows what the fuck is going on up there now. I'll tell you his name after the podcast.

pretty sure you know who he is. It's funny that I just bumped into one of the guys from Seattle when I was in Portland. David Crow, fucking great guy, great fucking comedy. David Crow. David Crow is no fucking joke, man. Yeah. And it was weird because I always think of those guys that didn't make the move down here that really could have been stars.

Like, David Crow, if he would have came down, he would have nailed something. But he still makes a ton of money doing corporates. Yeah. He does a great job. And he lives up in Seattle. He's out. He's got his farm and the whole fucking deal. I think he's got a farm.

I don't know. There's another guy that I always think about, Rod Long, a black dude. He's older. If I'm 56, he's got to be 66, 65, 64. He always made me fucking laugh. He took care of me too up there. It's just weird the people that you've done 13 fucking years of comedy.

Yeah. And I know, how long have you been in that way for? In April, it'll be three years. Three years. So you moved out here at the 10-year mark. Yeah. 10 years, 10 grand. And you have an agent, the whole thing?

I actually just started talking with Andy from Broste. Okay. So. That's good. Andy's a good man. Yeah, he is. I called him yesterday because that's his favorite restaurant. Oh, really?

Yeah, Peter Lugar is his favorite restaurant. So I called him. I said, guess where I'll be tomorrow at 3.45, 1245, you're at 1045. your time. I'm being fucking Peter Lewis with Ari Shafir living like a fucking doctor in that. So yeah, he was like, God damn it. When I couldn't get in. It's fun to have this audition next week.

Somebody called me and they were like, ah, we want you to read for this role or whatever. And I got the role and I, you know, I did what I usually do. I read it and then I read it twice and then I yellow it out. You know, I put the yellow magic marker, and then after that I fucking read it stoned a couple times, and I start making notes. And then right before I start getting into the middle of things, I go into my little, I have a notebook just for acting. Over the years, it's just gotten so slow. For years, I would go through a notebook or two a year of just auditions, who the casting director was. You'd keep a log of all that?

All that. Wow, really? Wow. You got to see who you go into, who gets Christmas cards at the end of the year. Uh-huh. You know, I would make sure they all got thank you cards after the audition. You know, it's... Man, I never thought to do that.

It's boring. It's boring shit. Yeah. But if you don't do it, you're going to regret it. And it's good to see what your numbers are at the end of the year and where you are and how many callbacks you got. I used to get, I used to call those notebooks, my callback notebooks. Mm-hmm. Because all I wanted was a callback.

That's all I'm looking for. I wasn't even looking at the book. So when I started this program, it was called the callback. And then the second year, the project was called the second callback. And then the third year, the project was called Book It. Yeah.

And every year after year, it was called Book It. So I would have the notebook in there. And the first page would just be all the dates, the cast and direct, and all that stuff. And then once you open, notebook I would leave another page blank and then everything after that was each audition on the page so let's say I was reading for Donnie Brasco sure I would say Donnie Brasco 217 2001 and I would put the name of the character Sonny Black and then I

would put the cast and director underneath and then I would read the sides and break the character down. If his name was Leo, I would call him Leo La Rocha. Give him a back name and I would write what the character was, who he was, how he got into the mob, what crime family, who his wife was. I would just write this fake biography about this guy and I would have something to work with. And then I would take the scenes and cut the scenes and how many scenes. Like for this audition I have on Monday, it's going to get cut to two scenes. So I would look at the scenes and dissect the scenes. What's really happening in the first scene and what's really happening in the

second scene? Yeah, and what happens like right before the scene, right? And what happens? I would take all that shit. And then afterward, in 2001, when we couldn't make rent, rent was $700 and me and my wife couldn't make rent. My wife put away money and got me a birthday present. And it was to go to UCLA to go to a Lou DiGiamo casting session, right? And it was, and it was to go to a Lou D. Giammo casting session, right? and it was called the subject is casting. And in my hand right now, I'm still holding the original paperwork that it says. And when I read this, I took this and I combined it with the principles of the comedy store. And I started booking like a fucking machine.

Really? Do you understand me? Like at that point, at this point I had done like maybe 70 auditions. I had audition for the Sopranos. I had audition for Rona Cress I had audition for some big names and I would get callbacks and get nervous and shit

and the sides were shake when I was reading at the callbacks and stuff. But once I read this, I made myself read this before every audition. So as I'm preparing, I would read this and I would make notes in the audition where I would have

to and how I would have to make choices. And this is what it says. It says the subject of casting and listen to how it compares to stand-up. It says the subject of casting, Ludi Giamo. Helpful tips concerning auditions. Just like a joke, make strong acting choices. That means in the joke is to stand behind your joke. Don't say the joke like a pussy.

If you're going to say it, say it. Say it or don't say it at all. Passion, either have it or go home. Anything goes. Commitment to preparation, commitment to your choices in the room. A star has to be dangerous and unpredictable. The big sell is selling you to you. Persistence, you are unique.

Perseverance, listen. Acting as a career, not a job. Rejection should be pleasant. Not an excuse to leave the business. One yes makes up a 50 nose, at least. Charles Durning for 11 years had no acting jobs. Hang in there. You win the part in the moment.

Make that moment. That shit. kills me. That's when I fucking start, I know exactly what he's talking about. Yeah. Because you see it when actors do it in their work. Two reasons for the audition. To get the job is the first reason, but the real reason is to be remembered. You can't be a defeatist in the world. Otherwise, don't go. Don't audition. Stay home. Give that audition up and burn it. Burn the fucking room.

It says, prepare, prepare, prepare. It can be done and you can do it. If you want a part, go after it. A beautiful model came and wasn't good at all that good. Excited, bubbly, fresh, but not that good. The next day she went, she sent me a letter. I thought I'd better look at her a tape again. She made me think twice, so do something, anything.

But do something. Don't give up. You always have a choice even when you lose. If you lose, losing the blaze of goat lorry, instead of losing to passivity. Make strong choices. you may influence someone for the next time. Somehow you have to take a risk. You have to light a firecracker under your ass

and do something that seems to be totally off the wall for the character, which is stand up. Yeah. That's it. Mm-hmm. Listen to those words again, totally off the wall to light a firecracker under your ass and do something that seems totally off the wall for the character.

The fucking ball is in your court, but you don't know it. You think you're a fucking victim, and you're scared, and you're afraid. Casting directors have a problem, and they're calling you to come in and solve it. Just like when you have a plumbing problem, you call a plumber. You have an acting problem, you call an actor. The actor has to come in and do it. And when you solve it, the casting people are happy. So come in with your version.

It goes like this, my ideas, my reading. I hope you like them. You don't. time. Shake it up. Don't settle in some way be furious. Acting without risk, challenge, and conflict is not worth doing. An artist is a rebel and unpredictable. The audition space is yours. The time is yours. Don't waste it. Don't come in with a chip on your shoulder. Get rid of your hostile attitude. Focus. It's all about focus. Give yourself a license for imagination. That fucking destroys me.

Mm-hmm. A license for imagination. That's what I tell my daughter constantly. When we draw. Yeah. When we fucking color at night. I tell her what difference is it made. There's no, you know, I go off on it, and she gets it now.

And her art improved that so much that they have to be in the animation project next year when she turns. Really? Oh, that's awesome. The job is yours until you lose it. That's tremendous. That's a better way. It's a better way to think about it. Acting as a lifetime journey and act as a magician.

He transports us to another time and place. He makes us believe he's someone else while we're watching. We forget about ourselves and our concerns. This little worksheet, like I said, is fucking fuck me up because I always go through it and it makes me a fucking savage. Yeah, it basically is just telling you to be confident in your choices and take risks. And there's nights, even before I go down to the comedy store, that I will take this out and read it and get like fired the fuck up.

Yeah. So when I get down, look at this. It's like a good mantra. This still has me writing down agents to send emails to packages. Nancy App at Daniel Hart, C-Haw at Aqua. This is fucking old shit here, my friend. You know what I'm saying? But that's what people don't understand.

That is done the same way every time. like I don't miss a step not because I invented this because that's what they tell you there's steps to this there's steps all along the way you know and

they're not going to be easy they're not going to be easy and that's why I applaud the fuck out of you because you're just fearless man you're in a fucking you're at the lion's den you're a dog girl at the lions day that means any of those

what happened in the they killed a girl last week. Didn't a lion kill a fucking girl last week in a cage somewhere? They didn't kill me though. No, no, no, no, no. That's what I'm saying? I think we're at a zoo or something.

At a zoo or something. Some fucking poor girl that thought she was a veterinarian's assistant. Some lions just fucking Aida. You're a fucking dog girl at that, you know? So, do you think you get an education by watching those other comics? Absolutely. I think I learned,

I think, because I used to go, even before I worked there. When I moved to Los Angeles, I would still come and watch. Because I think that's another thing that's lost is a lot of times comics don't watch each other anymore. They don't watch people. I told Lee Sayat to make a night one night where he just goes to watch comedy and to take a date. So he has to sit there and he has to feel like that person. To make you a better comic, you have to go on it.

Like I went on a date to see Doug Stanhold with my girl at the time. And it was so much, such a shock. experience, I canceled my gig the next day and thought about quitting comedy. Because I got to see inside the, you know, you have to sit like, don't sit in the front row. That's too much pressure. No, no, no, no, no. You have to, like, in the third row and watch a comedy show as a pedestrian now that you've been doing it for a year and a half. And see what they feel like while you're on stage.

And it's going to scare you. That's when you see the animal from within. That's when you, you know, when you're fingering it and you open up a click and look in there, That's what you see. And you said there's like a missing part, and you're like, I don't know if I want to keep dating. There's not a wing there. There's a missing tooth.

She's missing a tooth. Her clit's like five inches. I can't do it. Would you stop with the five inch clip? He's going to have a nightmare about it. You're bragging about that five-demeanor. You're bragging about that five-inch clip. You're bragging about that mine-inch clip now.

Wait to your 50 and it hangs between your legs like my balls. and you can't do doggy style because it looks like an oxygen mask like a guy gets under it and he could just put it over his head it looks like a fucking jellyfish that's floating out there. I swear to God, I used to date a chick

that when we did a doggy style, the curtains. It was like the gay guy pulled the stick and the curtains would just drop. I was younger. And I liked this. She was hot and shit, but that shit turned me off. But the wings would just drop. You could see the curtains from the back?

The curtains would fall and they had like, If she moved, they would move. They were so long. Oh, like they'd fly in the wind. They were like a dumbbell. And she was sexy, but the wings were a little long. How many inches do you think would go to the knee?

No. No, no. She was on all fours. It was just like a couple inches longer. Like, she had a little penis and they cut it out in the hospital. They split it in half. But some women's wings are tight. Like the shit is tight.

It hangs on. It's got like crazy glue. Yeah. It sticks to the same. sides of it. No, hers just dropped. But I didn't know it to you. The doggy style, by that time,

we were dating a while. Who cares? You know what are you going to do? At that point, I mean, you're still going to come. Who gives the shit? Yeah.

She's got hanging curtains. You can't, you know. I don't know. Look at me. Look at my face. I'm no fucking Vito Smatterrelli. You know what I'm saying? I got to take what they're giving.

You know, knowing that you're not Vito Smatterrelli, makes a big difference in your life. For sure. There's guys that walk around thinking they're fucking, you know. of any darkness. And meanwhile, I don't know nothing about nothing. And they didn't wonder why nothing happens.

And then they think the recorders broke because it's not picking up the laughs. What a fucking dummy. I had somebody's, I just worked with somebody like that. They told me they hadn't, I watched him eat a big dick on stage. And then afterwards they said they hadn't bombed in 10 years. They told me that they hadn't bombed in 10 years. Do you realize how delusional you? you have to be to not think you bombed in 10 years?

Because you did. I don't give a fuck who you are. I don't give a fuck if you are Dave Chappelle. You didn't, you have bombed within 10 years. I was living in Seattle on an apartment. I had a bed mattress on the floor. I was living with a guy named Mark Madison. He's still around.

He was in San Diego. He does comedy from time to time. We were all friends, me and my school. All of us were friends. That a house we rented for nothing. It was like two years from being condemned to crack house. There weren't mice or anything. It just wasn't a happy house.

You know, he did all the cooking in there. No, no, no, no. He did all the cooking in there, and he did all that shit in there, Mark Madison. I never cooked nothing or anything. But I still remember sitting on my fucking milk crate. like I had a milk crate in my room that I would sit on and write jokes

and the phone was right there and getting a call from that guy that delusional guy and telling me if I had five minutes to talk to him and I go what's going on and he goes they hired me as a headliner on Tuesday and then I got demoted to a feature then Thursday the guy said I was to host

I don't know what to do should I quit and I remember how heartbroken I was that as bad of a situation I was featuring. Was I a good feature at the time? Right. You know what I'm saying? I had 18 minutes.

If I caught a good way of improvising, I could go 26, 25. Yeah. But this poor bass that's been demoted to a host. From a headliner. From a headliner. Because, like I said, he banged older women, and they paid for all his tuxitos and shit. And his fucking packaging. was beautiful. He had head shots for all the characters he thought he was.

Yeah. Like he had him dressed in white doing Scarface with machine guns. Him is Pacino, him is De Niro, him is Jack Nicholson. And he couldn't do any of their voices at all. He was all. It was so sad. And I saw me to bag of dicks like three times. Like not bomb, but just like. Yeah. No less. Nothing. And that's the last time we're talking. Where I talk to a mutual friend of ours, I always ask him. Have you ever heard from him again?

He goes, nah, I heard he lost his mind. So many guys I started comedy with in Denver. There was a couple. There was one good, good guy that I was friends with, and he tried to kill himself. So every time I would see him, I'd hug him and whisper in his ear, I'm checking you for weapons. And he would giggle and we were good friends. And eventually he shot himself a couple years ago.

His name was PJ Moore. God rest of soul. It's so weird how when you're at that level of open micery, 50% of it is mental health. Oh, for sure. I'm not putting anybody down at all. I'm just telling you a reality if you think about it. If you're an open micer right now and you're living the life,

next time you go to the big city open mic, look around you. Look at the people that are around you. And listen, God bless them. I'm not putting anybody down for trying to kind of. But at that level, there's a lot of just crazy people. The store. Yeah, it's the mic's open. That means anybody.

The Sunday night is a store. There's no vetting process. Used to be, I mean, boom chakalaka turned out not to kill anybody. Yeah. But years ago, I thought boom chakalaka, sometimes he dresses up like a man. Sometimes he dresses up like a woman. He's got HIV. You know, that's, and he would bring his buddies with him.

Now he comes alone. Boom Chakalaka always brought a buddy with him with something. He always had an album to show you a swim. out of a guy. I love when I see him now. I just laugh that all the survivors, boom chakalaka is still around. And all the people who talk shit

and they love comedy. Yeah, yeah. I can't see myself not doing this. That boom chakalaka is still fucking around. That's, and it's just crazy that they think they're killing. I'm just thinking about the ones that I've seen. There's a level on the,

the road of comics that are very disgruntled. Alcoholism runs deep, drug dealing, you know, drug use. I was one of those guys. You know, you don't get to work in A room every week. You don't get to open up for Dave O'Hell and Joe Rogan every week. You got to go up there to these rooms that are C rooms and open up for guys that at one time had a dream and something ruined it. Yeah. And they're angry now. They're angry at you. As soon as you mentioned L.A., oh, boy, do you get a fucking ear beating. I lived in L.A. for a while. Oh, L.A. sucks.

Yeah. Nobody does nothing for you. I'm the funniest guy. I could talk anybody. I could fucking get a standing ovation every night to improv, and nobody would care for me. Nobody could follow me. There was a kid that every time I saw him, that was a story. Nobody could follow me, dog.

Nobody could follow him. Did you follow him? He's gone. He couldn't follow himself. Mr. Nobody could follow him. People who hire me to go on the road, but then they fire me because they can't follow me, really? That's what happened?

Yeah, that's what happened. They're making fucking $200,000 a night and they fired you because they can't follow you. Okay, keep telling yourself that. Yeah. I went through all that shit, so that's why I don't listen to it. I know just by doing it, you just know. You could look at somebody.

and see them different things that they tell you that they're young common. Oh, yeah. And if I see it, other people are going to see it. So you don't want those people to really see you until you're fucking really fucking throwing heat. That's why I tell them not to come out here. Don't come out here until you have your shit together.

If you don't know who the fuck you are, you don't have your voice. Don't fucking come here and figure it out. Because first of all, there's not a lot of time for you to figure it out. And second of all, it's going to drive you insane trying to figure out of year.

Once you start a comedy, that club closed in Orlando. Yeah, there was no... Rilando Improv. It was like four years, I think. Four years. So I only had B and C rooms to learn how to be a comedian.

It was all fucking VFWs and like holiday in lounges in fucking coffee shops. And again, like seafood restaurants where they didn't know comedy was happening, just some promoter convinced a guy to give him 400 bucks to do a show. You imagine that.

Yeah, I can't imagine it. And they go up there with that fucked up microphone and shit. Good evening. How are you doing? The face is over here. And people are wiping their mouth. Yeah, just. And you're like, how you doing?

I don't know if you guys are aware. We do a little comedy night here where we have great comedians that you see on NBC, CBS, HBO. These guys haven't been seen on public access to television. And you're up there lying to their faces and shit. And then there's the white people really get excited. They're like, oh, my God.

It's comedy. And the first guy goes up there and starts talking about abortion. He kicked the aborted child with an unborn baby. He ran over his mother's head. And these people are sitting there going, what the fuck? Just trying to eat my fucking tilapia. Why am I getting verbally assaulted? Oh, my God.

And all of a sudden you see the fucking restaurant manager run to the promoter and go, tell him to stop talking about abortions. You know what I'm saying? Like, oh, my God, those rooms are hell. Nobody looks at you. You leave there to feed it. Like, you leave there with your 30 bucks and you want to rip up the 30 bucks. You're like, I don't even want to spend the 30 bucks. I don't even want it.

I don't even want to put it in my car because my car's going to blow up on the drive home. There used to be a Mexican restaurant in Denver. I used to just go there to bomb. And it was typical because there's a 40. minute ride so it was a long ride home El Dorito and they gave you a dinner and you got a $25 dollar gift certificate oh wow I'm back in those days so dog when things are bad yeah that's worth the 40 minute drive

free food drive out to El Dorito and get the worst Mexican food at that time that food is so bad they had one on Burbank Boulevard right by the tonight show and they knocked it down oh really yeah across the street from NBC it was the last oh no I think the one in Huntington Beach is still open. It was supposed to be at the house of margaritas. I took my wife there. We both were fucking sick for three days. We got the appetizers during the happy hour.

You shit blood for three fucking days. It was terrible. Well, Carmen, I'm happy that you're out here and you found your voice. And I'm happy you're the second door woman. Thank you. And comedy store hits her. Mitzie Shaw's looking down and you're going, Oh.

I don't like her. I hope so. I hope she's not just mad that there's a broad ear. No. You know, I get pissed off when I hear stupidity, and I used to hear a lot of it, murmurs of it, and it was like thrown at me. Like, I would take offense for it.

Like, all the comedy store doesn't pander the women, you know? Look at the splineups every night. There's only two fucking women, you know? But here's the other thing that nobody takes in consideration is a lot of times those women are already working. working. It also has to be based on who's available. Like, I can't tell you how many times I get asked to do the same show to do like three different shows on the same night, you know? There's only so many places I can be. But you'd be at the comedy store first. Well, yeah, without question.

So what I'm saying is that they always, for years, the last like two or three years, I've heard that there's been lawsuits and shit with women have complained. There's not enough spots at the store. Well, guess what? Not only did I save all the jokes I did and all the auditions I went. I've also, I have every night that I went up to line up from 1997. You wrote every time you've gone up at the store? No, I stole the page. Did you really?

Yeah. So I got every lineup I was on. So people could see I was a real killer 20 years from now when I do my book. And you see some of the early lineups where I went up. I got some early lineups. That's awesome. I have a notebook at the bottom of a drawer that is four inches thick. And it's every call sheet I've ever gotten with the minisccript.

Oh, yeah. Because you book a job, you get a call sheet, which is your name with a number. And then it shows you what scenes you're in. You're in scene 82, 83B. I saved all my call sheets. It's this fucking thick. It's two yellow manila envelopes. and it's got like everything.

There's one that's every audition I went on. Like I look at it and I get tears in my eyes. Like the auditions I went on, like I went on Will Smith, Men in Black. Yeah. I used to go out for shit like that and I was not ready for it at all.

And I'd walk into a room with these season actors and I would lose from the start. You know, like I would go and then go, I'm defeated. And then when I started thinking like, Wait a second. Fuck these bitches. They never bombed in Buffalo.

That was my roughest bombing ever. After 2001, 2002, the roughest bombing I ever had was where I do the best now today. Oh, yeah? Buffalo. Yeah. Like, that's the first time I went home. Well, of course. If it hurts you the most, you're going to dominate it the best.

You'll show that, bitch. You have those sets. You have those. You have a. accomplishments every 90 days when you're a comedian. But you also have setbacks. It's a rough thing to say. And it's a rough thing to understand.

You also have little setbacks every couple days. And it's rough to make you wait for those 90 days for something good to happen. Yeah. But it's one of those bombings that stays with you. For a long time. I still have specific bombings. And Buffalo was one of those places that was to the bone. Yeah, it hurt you.

Like I was already a regular at the store. I was doing shows around town. I wasn't supposed to be bombing. Like in my mind, I'm not supposed to be bombing. What I did. And fucking, it was mind-boggling when I went to my hotel. It was a condo then. Of course.

It was a condo. And I just went in that fucking room. I was disgusted. I was like, man, I don't know. I should just, I was in Buffalo. So you find, you did so bad, you deserve the condo. I did so bad, I thought it was just staying in Jersey, like not even coming back down.

I was like, I'm not even going to go. They don't know. I just, I live here now. You got any dates coming up? Yes, I do. What's your nearest date coming up? My nearest date coming up is going, I'm going to be headlining Cobbs on March 6th. Okay.

Yeah. Just you alone? Yeah. That's a big fucking room. I've never been there. It's my first time going. And I'll be at the Throck Morton the day before, the fifth. Okay.

The Throck Morton and then the sixth that Cobbs in San Francisco. And you'll be headlining cops. When do you open for Maria again? I don't know. I don't have anything on there. She just calls you whenever she's ready to rock. She's actually my landlord. Is she really?

Yeah. That's a good way. Don't just tell you don't have the rent. Yeah. I mean. I don't have rent. I don't have rent. But I saw that you are going to San Antonio in a few weeks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. Why don't you take me to San Antonio and I'll cover the rent? That's why I used to do with Bill Bauer. Did you really? I never had to rent money. He wasn't my landlord. He was just a dealer. He was just a promoter.

And I would go, Bill, you got to let me 400 bucks and he would lend it to me. And I would just work it out with gigs for the month. Oh, wow. I would do like $3.50 gigs or $1, $200 gig. And he would tell me forget about the rest. Don't worry about it. Oh. He is a good thing.

guys so that's why sometimes shit rolls downhill sometimes generosity rose downhill yeah it's both the bottom of the hill to catch it catch it and dodge it you're trying to not get the shit while still taking the generosity listen man I'm happy you took the time to be on the show I see you are you kidding me I'm honored thank you for having me you're very free you're very loose on stage and you're gonna go some place not maybe today maybe tomorrow maybe six years years, but they're going to be giving you a show one day. I can see it. Yeah, I hope so. Where can they find you? Have a webpage comment? Sure, Carmen Morales.com for all of your

Carmen Morales needs. I also have a podcast called No Sir. I don't like it. If anybody here likes things, likes disliking things. It's at No Sir Pod. You could follow me on all the assorted social media at the funny Carmen. I just want to make a public apology to you. Why? About two weeks ago or three weeks ago, four weeks ago. Oh, would you stop at the store. What happened was I was so proud of her going up. And we passed each other in the main room. And, you know, I want people to understand this. Even at the 20-year mark, when I'm at the store, I'm still floating on clouds.

So when I'm walking past you and I cut your back, it's like telling you I love you without saying it. Yeah. Like I'm being dragged. I got to dodge this guy. I got to do this. I got to get to the original room. And me and you bumped into each other. You put such a smile on my face that night.

I looked at you and he had a comedy store shirt on and she had a jacket on but she had Jessica Pennington with you yeah Jessica Wellington Wellington whatever I don't know these people's names what am I a cop I don't say I didn't want embarrassed you so I was trying to tell her to close her jacket because I didn't want anybody to know she was a girl woman I wanted her to respect her as a comic and she took it like I was talking about a tits no I'm too old to talk about your tits because you I was like, I don't have another shirt. You were like, you should change your shirt. And I was like, I don't have another shirt.

And you're like, well, just take your shirt off. They'll love if you have your tits out. Oh, no, no. I meant to put you to button up your shirt on top of it. I'd rather you have cleavage. Oh, right. And have a comedy store shirt off. Gotcha.

I'd rather you take your shirt off, button your jacket. I have a button pop and a tip pop out like a little fucking mismofunction. Everybody forgot about the genus. She actually tit malfunction. I rather you have a tip malfunction in the main room. and get 2,000 more Twitter followers than fucking a comedy story, shit on it. And they look at you as a door purse.

Right. So I was just trying to give you the respect that you deserve as a comedian. Never mind a woman, who gives a fuck with your woman. You're still a comedian face. Right. So that was funny that I was like, no. Just take your shirt off and fucking button.

I'd rather you have, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Fucking babunias than them see comedy store. I did three, I did a hat trick that night. Yeah, I saw that the next day. You did the belly room, the original room, and the main room. And I just did, like, two weeks ago, I just did four. I did four sets in the same night.

Two belly room, a main room, and an original room all in the same night. Well, call me when you do a comedy store of the Improv and the Laugh Factory next, and then we'll talk to this. That sounds fun. There you go. I like them when they're back to back like that. Mondays used to be Latino night and Freaky Monday at the Impra. Both of them were hot.

If you'd get on one of them, you jerk off all over yourself. Really? And there was one time where I got that, that, so I ran to the store. And I like, please. I'm like, come on, put me up. Please. I will give you three minutes. Bam, triple header.

Once you get the triple header, you feel you talk shit for a few days. You walk with a limp and shit. You're like, fuck you, bitch. You couldn't talk to me for a couple days after that. Yeah, after a three-hatter at the store. And like, you got to go up and finish a pal or something like that. Yeah, like, fuck. A couple weeks ago, I was leaving.

And my wife had cooked something. And I told the baby I would be home with a donut or something. I had like an 8 o'clock set. And as I'm walking out the door, fucking the great talent coordinator, Adam comes up to me. He goes, hey, man, do you want to open up for Chappelle in the original room at 11 o'clock? I'm like, no. What? You said no?

I had to get home. I got my, you know what I'm saying? I got orders. How are these fucking people who don't know you're a dad? I'm just saying like you having a hard time like we were talking about like transitioning from like character wise

like you are a father and like talking about it and then people not like really getting into it with you yet open up that door for me before I sweat the death it's hot back here today thank you oh look it's still fucking raining it's a beautiful day to do bong hits here in southern California

today's the good day to do bong hits and give you a wife a stab And it's one of those days. Watch the soprados. I'm fucking. Cog sure. What were you saying? I'm sorry to interrupt you.

Well, just that, like, you gave, like, you gave up opportunities like that to do something that would be considered really cool in comedy. It could go be with your family. Like, you know what I mean? There is a difference. You are growing and changing too. And I think that your audience or people in the audience that know you and are familiar with you have to grow and change with you, you know?

Because you are. You are a dad. Yeah, but these people are 25 years old. These people that come to the shows are kids. So? They can't be dads yet. I don't want them to be dads. I want them to sling dick and have some good time for us before they settled down.

Well, they should, but that doesn't mean you have to do that. I made a mistake at 27 and got married. Yeah, the mistake really wasn't a mistake because I ended up doing comedy out of it. I lost their daughter. I have a 27-year-old daughter, and we don't speak. We have no communication. but if you look at the big picture, it took me 25 years to come up with this,

it's not an excuse. It's a way for me to put the pain away. Sure. I gave up a life for a life. Before that, I didn't have a life. I didn't have an identity. I was just an ex-felon that did Coke and whatever. I got the life I wanted.

I got the fucking wife, the kid, the comedy, and we got the podcast with Lee. I'm not in jail. I'm healthy. I got the life I wanted, but I had to give up a life for it. And I came to terms of that. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. To become a really, to become a good anything, there's got to be sacrifice. To become good at anything. A doctor, pre-med, you know, pre-law, law. You know, there's times you've got to give up shit

because we can't. Best thing about comedy is you can't you don't have to go to weddings You know what I'm saying That's the greatest thing about comedy Yeah Hi are you coming to my wedding Come on I get a gig

I'm so sorry You don't even look at your book You're like I'm in San Antonio that weekend Then they hit you I've been in two weddings in the last 10 years And I love it They look you and they go

I looked at your web page You don't have a date My web dude died My web dude died His hand got cut off by an alligator He won't be able to type till December So nobody knows It's an ultra-secret gig

Don't find nobody That's a great thing about being a comedy Oh, I haven't updated my website Oh, I don't know what happened Have you ever said the town That they were having the wedding in? Look, we're having our wedding in San Antonio No, no, no, I do all the facts study

I keep it quiet and I do the wedding If they tell me they're getting married in San Antonio I got a gig in Rio Gigi in Rio de Janeiro our bats aren't even going to fucking cross. There's no way my plane's even going over your fucking statement. You know what I'm saying?

I actually can't advertise it. I'm performing for a drug lord, so I can't really put it on the internet. Don't say nothing because I want to live another day. I don't need my head on fucking YouTube on a stick next to this poor Jew basket. Actually, I can't even be having this conversation with it anymore. So my best wish is for your wedding.

Yeah, I don't fucking go to weddings and shit like that. Anyway. Carmen Morales, thank you for taking the time. Don't forget to see you up March 6 up in our neighborhood up there. Cubs with the fucking savages and shit. Last time we went up there, we tortured some guy with a dog, right? Yeah, you and Bucci did it the night before I got there. What, you didn't do nothing?

No, I remember I only came in for the last Saturday. You did Friday. You showed me the videos, though. Yeah. What'd you do? That's a great club. We went through at 7-Eleven. There was some guy yelling at us in the corner.

And we just yelled back and forth through a few fucking, I don't know. The way I remember it's like he followed you and then you followed him telling him we were going to cook his dog or something like we would eat that fucking we kept telling we were to eat his dogs and he kept looking at this going

you're not going to touch his fucking dog and we were yelling I want to come over there and eat that fucking dog and he would walk and come back and yell something back on us you ain't going to touch me you don't know who I am Fuck you, cuck sucker.

I'm going to go over to need that fucking dog. Oh, my God, we taped it, and we died for fucking hours. I guess you had to be there. Anyway, Carmen Morales, March 6th. You motherfuckers, brain improv. Thursday, next week, a week from today, the 24th to the 26th. Get ready to rock.

It's me and my man, George Perez. And what's a little Indian dog guy from the store on San Sam? Asan. Asan Ahmad. I like that name. Ansad Ahmad is opening up. We're going to have a good time. It's a trifecter of colors.

A Mexican or Cuban and an Ansad Ahmed. So whatever you are, there's a joke for you there. Whatever the fuck you are, there's a joke there. I might hire a transvestite DJ. I'm not sure yet. I got to find one who still spins old school. You know what I'm saying? But he's Asian.

Looking for transgender DJ. Must be able to spin. old school. Let's see what happens. You know what I'm saying? Get the ad, bust it out on Twitter. You know what I'm talking about? Anyway, I love your cocksuckers. I'll see you Monday morning.

Whether you rock. I want to thank Carmen Morales. Where can we find you? Carmen Morales.com at the funny Carmen on all the assorted social media. And I want to thank the Christ killer. And I want to thank you motherfuckers for being loyal family. From Wookie Spooky to Bob Linguish to Dante fucking Gazzini. I haven't heard from you, Dante.

But don't send me no more letters, all right? You're killing me, cocksucker. I love you guys. Stay black. Have a great week. I want to thank Carmen Morales. I want to thank the Christ killing. I want to thank you motherfuckers.

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I'll see you Monday morning, nice and early, ready to fucking rock. I don't want those stories. You understand me? Have a great weekend. Thank you for supporting the church every weekend. Kick this fucking muley.