The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #655 - Vladimir Caamaño

Episode Date: February 4, 2019

Vladimir Caamaño, a comedian and actor seen on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" atManscaped.com and use the code CHURCH    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   

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Monday morning. You may not like Puerto Ricans, but we're here, cucksucker. It's the church of what's happening now. Gladysmya Camacho. Camano. Camano. Camano. The Christ's killer, the original Jew, from Brazil.

Fucking Lee Syatt. And your Uncle Joey coming at you. on a beautiful fucking Monday morning, all right? It's raining, it's cold, but you got to get out there and stab a motherfucker. And that's it, and that's that. Roof it. Oh, shit. Here we go.

Here we go, Lee. Wiggle it, Lee. Burn some calories. Cogsuckusca. There you go. There you go. La Cajetta Littita, Luritima. He's saying it's tough out there to be a brother.

You know what I'm saying? What's happening? you bad motherfuckers Monday morning it's a new month you're like when having the Christmas you're up your ass it's fucking gone all right it's February it's Valentine you got two weeks to get it together so you better find somebody and fucking get some chocolates

or something like that Vladimir Camano is in the house somebody I wanted on the show for a long time a lot of you guys have heard them a lot of you guys haven't I've been hearing about it for about two years and it's a pleasure to finally have you in studio ships in the night my friend

What's going on, brother? I'm here in L.A., man. I'm here for pilot season. Like, we just talked about trying to figure out what the next step is, the next role, the next show, the next thing. And just trying to keep pursuing the dream. How old are you now? 37, bro. And you started comedy, what?

11 years ago, 10 years ago? In New York, 08, 07 around there? After college? Yeah, I graduated, 03 from college. What major? I was a psychology major. Okay, perfect. I was a chemistry major for the first three years.

Couldn't, couldn't hack it. It wasn't my thing. I can't see you in the Dominican Republic fucking turning powder into paste. Oh, yeah, quanto necessita. What do you need? And originally from... And by the way, the pharmacist, you know how it is in, like, Latino communities. They treat him like he's the doctor.

He's the fucking doctor. They torment your fucking life when you're the pharmacist. And this guy just puts pills and bottles, they act like he's the doctor. Oh, yeah, what do you recommend for a broken elbow? Oh, you put a little this right there? You good. Spanish people buy into that.

Yes, man. If you watch Spanish TV, put it on late at night, they sell everything. If you're fat, you take a pill and that's why you see people, Spanish people, fatter than fuck. We don't ask for evidence. They have fucking paperwork. They have like this liquid that you drink and you put in your food and it takes all the calories out.

They sell all the bad products to Spanish people, bro. And then your mother says, it's all the unico. Yeah. It's the one thing. Like you said that about the last 10. Medications, mom. How is this the one thing that's going to turn the tide? When I was a kid, I was raised on emulsive of God. Oh my God, dude. That is so much vitamin A. If you're not careful.

Emulsive of cod from the ages of four to about 10. And then she gave up. What was the reason? Just to fortify you? Just to... She was scared, and I got to be honest to you, that shit makes you as strong as a bull. Now they have it in strawberry flavor. Whenever I have it, I walk past CVS, I always see it and I'm tempted but I know it tastes like that's it. When you drank it, it was straight. It was straight out of a spoon and then I cried for a long time. Then I made my mom mix it with orange juice and it would curdled.

You had it down that motherfucker. It was just horrid, just horrid what it does to you as a kid. But it yoked me up because I was always a sickly kid. As he coughs, as he coughs. Yeah, no, no, but this, I had tonsil problems. My tonsils would swell up I was allergic to maple syrup I was allergic to a lot of foods back then

And I would swell up Or it was just a fucking You know I remember being like an emergency room Every week for a month one time Damn From like four to five And once I started going to kindergarten In New York

And you start breeding all those fucking germs And all those nasty kids Your defenses go up Oh they go way You got no choice They go way up You know New York in the 70s

That was dirty New York. Dirty New York. Dirty New York. E. Colette started there, right? That's where E. coli started in New York. I don't know. A lot of shit started there. That's when we were eating paint chips.

What? Yeah, lead was in the lead was everywhere, bro. Paint chip eating contest in kindergarten. Me and a bunch of retarded kids. The tap water tasted like silver and mercury. Yeah. You drank it all. That tap water in Jersey.

Yeah. When I went to McKinley, that dungeon, he used to torture people down there. They put pipes and you drank from it. It's fun of you. And you drink it and go. Well, ah, like it was good and shit. Like it was delicious. It's so weird how water is such a scam.

Like, that's the biggest scam we buy. What do you mean? You know what the water industry makes every fucking year? Billions of dollars. Billions of dollars and the billions. And every week there's a new water company. And it's water from a backyard. At the end of the day, it's water from the backyard.

A couple of years ago, Penn & Teller did a show called Bullshit. Yeah, on Showtime. Remember that. At Showtime. One of the first places they went to was a water bar in Hollywood. A water. bar? There was a bar in Hollywood 10 years ago that was called the water bar.

I don't know people telling me about that. You go out there and drink all these waters from around the world and like Sticky Charlie, like Icky, Rick fucking Theo's friend that used to have ice from all over the world. What are you talking about? Yeah, they would get like a slab of ice from like Iceland and then melt it and put like mint in it and you would be drinking

water from Iceland. So these motherfuckers, Pennantella went down there and took a hose from the back and just filled it up and gave people hose water. Couldn't tell a difference. And people were like, we really like this water and shit like that. It's just bullshit. It's just both. The water industry is the biggest bullshit industry that we believe in. They give me the same water.

You have a water filter at home or you drink straight out of the tap. I drink straight. Well, I have a water. I get the water by the gallon. Right. So I don't know if it's good or not. Who the fuck knows what's in there? You're just drinking and pray for the best.

You know you're getting scammed. Right. You know you're getting scammed. They're not getting any water, any different from anywhere else. When you travel, though, when you travel to different places, do you find differences in the water when you shower? Because I've been in some places where, like, I'll shower. Skin is less dry.

You know, hair is better. Other places, like, you feel like... Because when I come out of the shower, I'm still fat. And that's all that matters. If you find me water that makes me skin, like Jesus water, that's the fountain I need. If I'm still fat, I don't know. I never really thought about it.

I love showers. So do I, bro. I could sit in a shower for an hour. The best jokes I'll ever write is when I'm sitting in a shower for two hours. You take cold showers or high shower? Hot, hot, hot. I switch it up to cold, back to hot, steaming. Sometimes if it's steaming, I'll sit on the side of the wall

and make believe I'm a homeless guy that lives under the train, and he lives next thing you get steam. I do a lot of fucking crazy shit in the shower. If you have a nice shower in your hotel, the chances are I'm coming back to your comedy club. Have you done steam rooms or all that? Like steam room and sauna? Yeah, I love that stuff, bro.

The Hollywood Y has the best double punch combination. What's double punch? Double punch. They got the steam next to the sauna. Oh, for real? And then the pool right outside of it. I don't know. Been to the Hollywood Y.

Where's that at? Oh, yeah. On Shreda. On Shreder. On Shrader. Right on the other, right before you hit Vine. What's the Hollywood Y charge in these days? It's up there, but you know, lunchtime you go upstairs and play hoops at Denzel Washington.

At the Hollywood Y? Yeah, they play hoops at lunchtime. And I'm talking about like ballers. Like I remember living in front of, because I lived across the street from it. And for years, I would avoid it. When I was 400 pounds, like when I did the longest yard, I may believe it was like a woman shelter. Women get beat up and put over there. I don't know about a gym over there.

And then I saw the bass player from the red hot chili peppers one day, about 11, dribbling the ball down the block. And he's, what he doing here? He was, I played ball at the fucking Y every day at lunch. Really? Then I started hearing the rumors. And then me and my wife joined, and I became in love with it. That's why I first lost the first 100 pounds.

Is that that that Y? You felt comfortable that. That Y was the fucking best. The first time I went there. I had one is as a swim. That was the easiest day I could do. So I would go into the fat man pool. They got like a little kid pool.

It's three feet, 90 degrees. You just float like a... Is it a picture you? Like, oh my God. I would go in there like at 4.45 in the morning. I was so embarrassed. Damn. The Y opens up at 4.

In those days, the Y opened up at 445. And I'd walk right in at 4.45. What time did you get up? 420. Jesus. Drink a cup of coffee, smoke a joint. and shoot right pregame like pre workout pre work out pre workout i would go over there and i would sit in the steam first the wooden one that you throw water on the rock yeah yeah the sauna yeah sitting there

first warm up body stretching that and now we're going to the steam room and put eucalyptus on that motherfucker and they'll tell you not to throw water on it i throw gallons in there you couldn't even look it was like fucking they could be a fucking black dude sitting next thing you didn't tell it was so much fog in that fucking room. When they walk in, you go, hey, what's something. They go, what? Yeah. And then I would go back into the steam.

And then I would do a lap. I'd do a half hour in the pool, kicking, moving my arms. Just when I was 418 pounds, I was still, I wasn't athletic. I had just stopped exercising. So I just went back in the pool and went back to basics, started pulling myself and shit. And I did that for a few months. And then I just started punching the bag. I would hit the bag there in the afternoon.

I would go there like a quarter of the nine. It would close at 10. So I would go to quarter of the nine. I would hit the bag and ride the stationary bicycle. But something happened. One day I jumped in the pool. I went in the afternoon, and I thought that the fat man pool was going to be open.

And it was filled with Russian women and a bunch of little kids busing in that. So I signed up for the Olympic pool. And I put my name in the Olympic pool, not even fucking thinking. And I put my goggles on. Because I used to swim at the... Before I went to prison, I swam, I was part of the master swimming program in Boulder. And I swam three times a week, fucking all out with a coach.

Time is, I learned. Backstroke, freestyle, everything. Doggy, you're doing all the strokes. You get in there, and they'd have a blackboard with what you had to do. Level one had to do 8-880s with the 30-second rest and two minute intervals. Level two had to do this. And Colorado has high elevation, too. Oh, yes.

And when you went, and if it snowed, you still had to go. It was outside. It was an outdoor pool? So they would shovel the fucking path from the locker room to the two entrances and the diving board. And you had to walk through the snow and jump in. It was a heated pool. Don't get me. Oh, I thought I was going to say.

Damn. It was a heated pool. So I learned how to swim. So I went back into this. So I get there. I said, let me go into the Olympic pool. And without thinking, I jumped. And it was completely different.

It was like 58 degrees. which right away takes the oxygen right out of your fucking lungs, bro. And I'm in the middle of the pool. I'm like four laps in and there's people next to me like like boats just flying and I'm going for my life.

I'm swimming. I'm doing everything I can. I'm kicking. I got the form down where I pop up and I spun backwards. Like I was pointing like 2 o'clock in that direction. I was a little.

I was already starting to drown. And I just held onto the rope and people were like stop holding on to the rope and when they would take off I would swim for rope to rope like Tarzan under the pool until I got to the edge and that's when the Sopranos was really hot So I kept walking into this Y and the one day I went in the afternoon As soon as I walk in these three little lifeguards come up to me like you're the guy dude from the Sopranos I'm like dog get the fuck away from you I'm not the do from the Sopranos leave me alone So now I'm drowning I'm holding on to the wall and they see this

And they're like, Mr. Mr. Are you okay? I'm like, no, get me out of here. I can't breathe. They could see it. Like I was in panic. I had panic attack. The color from my face was gone. I was starting to lose like consciousness and shit

And they hit the buzzer. They hit the panic buzzer for everybody to come in. Wow. Embarrassment. Then they told me swim to the middle and we'll drop a hoist in to pull you out like Orca. You swim in, like, bro, you swim?

I mean, are they just sitting there going, how can we make this more embarrassing to him? They go, let's go back into the middle. That's what I'm saying. There's a writer's room. They were going to drop a net in, and then you swim into the net, and the net pulls you out.

And then the thing comes around, and I'm like, guys, I can't swim back out there. Like, my legs are done. I'm done. Like, this is crazy. And finally they go, let's pull them out. So, the three of these little, three little Mexican kids, two little Mexican kids got one arm and the chick's got the other arm. And you're still panicking.

I'm 418. I'm panicking. I'm trying to keep it together. And they're pulling. They're pulling. They're pulling. And ain't nothing going on. And I said, God, if you get my one leg out of there, I will go to church every fucking son.

It's all about goals. Get the one leg out, God. That's it. The one leg. I threw that one-90-pound piece of meat over. And I hung there for a few minutes. They had me by the head. It's called.

It's called pacing Lee. You got to pace yourself. And I spun myself over and I rolled like two or three times. Oh my God. And I got up like miraculously. And everybody had stopped in the pool and was looking at it. Miraculously. I got up miraculously.

Bro, miraculously. Miraculously. Because I was out of breath. I was all huffed and puffed out. Now I had to pick up 418 pounds. He ran with a bikini, nine inches of fat hanging over the bikini from all directions. Wait. You're wearing a lot.

Speedo? No, I would never wear a speedo, but no matter what I wore, my gut was hanging six inches over. And I'm in the middle of this fucking huge Olympic pool, and the people are frozen. Everybody's time is freezing. And thank God, I put my towel. Like, most people put their shit in a locker. No, no, no, no, no, I don't trust nobody. I kept my towel with a warm-up jacket and my keys to the house in the warm-up jacket, like 10 feet away. And while they're talking to me, they're like, are you okay?

Do you want oxygen? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. As I'm walking out, I look, and I see the ambulance. They call the ambulance. They call the ambulance on me, bro. How can we make this more embarrassing? And I see them coming in, like, with the thing, and I put my jacket and I put the hood on.

In disguise. There's like a side door, and I went around, and I came out through the fucking side with a locker. When you go into the Y, you go on the girl's side or the boy's side, I came through there. The little kids kept running after them. Mr. Mr. The ambulance is here.

They want to help. I'm like, fuck, his red band had just gotten pulled out. He took an edible and he called an ambulance on himself. And they charged him $1,800 to do that. So I said, fuck you. That's all I kept thinking about was $1,800. I ain't given nobody 1800. And Doug, as I walked out of there,

the kids kept saying to me, are you going to be okay? You're going to be able to work on the soprano? And I'm like, I'm not that. Before I said that I go, yeah, I'm gonna be working on the sopranos, and I just walked out there and left and never came back from the embarrassment.

And then about four months later, I went in there and nobody said a word to me until about five years later. I see a kid from the Y at the vet I go to how to pick up food for my cat, and I see a young kid from a different kid from the Y there. I had known them for maybe a month.

And as I get in my car, I felt bad. And I go, you go on the Y? And he goes, yeah. I go, I live right across the street. Do you want to ride? And he goes, yeah, go, get in the car. We get in the car. We start driving. I go, I won't even work out the Y'all?

You know, just small chatted. You know, a couple years ago, I almost drowned at the Y. And without missing a beat, and he didn't look at me. He goes, I know. That's the first story they told me when I got the job there. They probably showed them the security footage. They probably have tapes of the incident. You motherfuckers.

I wonder if you're part of like the training program. Like I just, when you let him out the car where you said, listen, this stays between us. No, I didn't say nothing. I was just like in a way I was shocked.

But I wasn't surprised. I still kept going. I still bared the embarrassment. But what are you going to do? Dude, I wasn't that big. I was a chubby kid in like, in like grade school and high school.

And I hated when you were playing basketball and they would say shirts and skins. As you know, shirts and skins is one. team shirtless one team shirts. I was at a tournament in the Heights with my older brother. And they, we couldn't afford, they couldn't afford T-shirts for both teams. So they had one team with shirts and they were like, the rest skins, I happened to be on the skins team. Bro, I disappeared. No one knew where I was at. This is before cell phones. And they were short like a man because

I was like, I'm not wearing skins to play ball, bro. These tetties are not leaving the shirt. Because of the shame. You feel ashamed. I would have traded myself. I'd be like, I'm going to go to the other team. That's what I should have been. I should have negotiated it. a trade deal but I didn't have an agent at the time to to navigate those waters but yeah shame bro like showing your body's a big deal well you the kid that would wear a t-shirt like to the pool you ever that guy I wasn't fat I wasn't a fat kid it was a older when you got older when I got here was right we got fat all that I was always in good shame and I would you know I didn't really I wasn't body conscious at all you got what you get what you get right you don't say I'm like if you get fucked up shoulders you get fucked up shoulders this you could sit at home on Saturday and sun You could go down there to the pool and make believe like your fucking Superman. And that's exactly what I did. I just made believe like I was just a regular person. You know, like whatever body disposition you have, you're not going to stay at home.

I met a girl here years ago. We didn't date anything. We were friends. There was something we were going to do at the beach. And I said to it at the comedy store. She was a waitress at the store. And I said, you're going to go to the event. And she goes, I don't go to outdoor events.

I go, why not? She goes, because that means you got to wear shorts. And I got to show my legs. And this girl was really pretty, but she felt her legs were too short. And I felt like saying, guys don't give a fuck about your legs. They just give a fuck about what's between the fucking legs. Right. You know, like, don't worry about your legs.

She was like, I'm really embarrassed about my calves and my legs. And she goes, I'm looking into surgery. Really? Like, cabin plants, right? Yeah, this is 20 years ago. She's long gone. You know, she was just a nice girl that worked at the store. that it scars you bro it scars like my dad my dad when I was going up he hated like shape-ups like

you know when you get a haircut the barber gives your shape-up he was like that's what the tigre that's what hoodlums do hudlums so I would go to school with a haircut but no shape-up so my line was just a roadmap teachers will make fun of me kids will make fun of me I didn't get my first shape-up until I was a senior in high school and if you know you New York you know you know you know New York jewelry haircuts matter the haircut you got the face you know the lineup like that matters that girls like that and the bro well i was born in the heights i was born in the heights and then uh the heights is 181st street around there hundred first street that's dominicanville dominican village you know what it is it used to be jewish right

neighborhood changed my aunt my aunt my aunt husband was a super on 181st and four washington okay so they used to be a movie theater dude the corner yes a black movie theater and then down the block there was another one that showed two for a not five island I think the one right before Broadway right right the Coliseum when you step in the floor was mass sticky because nobody cleaned it right for 20 years bro Lee this was a fit it was filthy in there bro and then 50 yards from that was a Carvel yo the carvel was now what fuck do you think you're dealing with Joe Carvel is the first place I tried ice cream a cake that was dog that's my fucking when I I knew about that neighbor as a child and I went up there to cop weed at 179th

by the bus terminal right by the bar the bus terminal right by the bar So I would get off the bus and I would walk two blocks. I would shoplift a safe way. He had a do list. Let me shoplifted at 11. Come on, dog. That was a starving comic. My third year comedy, I got a job working on 57th and 11th at those car dealerships.

Way out there's way on the west side. Way on the west side. So I would go over the George Washington Bridge. There were mornings I woke up. I didn't have money for the fucking bus. Wow, man. So I would walk to it. I would have enough for a bagel or the bus.

it would either be a bagel and a Coke or a bus. So I would take the fucking bagel and then go to Safeway. I'd have a briefcase like a salesman with a suit and I'd steal yeast infection medication and aspirants. And then I'd walk it across the bridge

and all those bodegas on the other side they would buy all that shit, yeast infection and boxes from me. And then I would take my money, buy drugs, breakfast, and I'd have money for the rest of the day. Where'd you get the idea to sell that to the bulldogers.

Junkies told me. Junkies would do that. It's like a TED talk. Junkies would do that, tell me all the time. Whenever you need money, go to Fort Lee or somewhere there and shoplift, yeast infection, like antithinin, you know, like. Acetamine. Like high-level aspirin.

There was something else they liked. I can't remember what it was, that they sold a lot of. So there was such a big yeast infection population in that. bro I would go to Safeway and they would have like the 10 of a mile on the shelf but then right over it they would have a box of that I would just take the whole box and put in the briefcase and walk over and they would give me like 35 a box that's $70. Wow so if you get off on 178 cash cash if you get off of 178 they used to be OTB oh off track betting probably walking in ever still there I think it's still there best times I had in my life creepiest people you'll ever see the best fist fights ever were an OTB if you think the UFC is good if you go to the OTB on 170 bro 178 so I had a system I would get off port authority across the street and that's 179 right there I know exactly where it is I would walk down the corner and there would be Cubans there this is 184 83 85 so crack

hasn't hit yet crack was hit but it wasn't on that block that block was strictly Riefer. It was Cuban refugees from Mariel. And you would go down there, buy weed, and there was a bodega. I'd go in there, get a fucking Cocor Rico, and a pack of rolling papers, easy wider. And I'd go in the alley, I'd fucking roll the joint. I had a Walkman in those days with a cassette, and I'd play the walker, and I'd walk back to Broadway, smoking the joint.

And then when I hit 187, I'd go down to 176, and there was a Cuban restaurant there. 176 and what? Broadway. right there was a Cuban restaurant and right around the corner there was a park so sometimes I would go to the Cuban restaurant go to the bathroom roll another joint Is that by that big feeder?

Yes! The old church? The old church where in sleepers That's what I'm gonna say What's the name of that theater? You know what I'm talking about, right? I remember the theater and then down the corner is the hospital.

Yeah, exactly. I was the hospital on Broadway. I know that, I knew that area like that. You know how many times I went in that theater because it was windy and I would just put a joint in the corner and smoke it to try to get the wind out. You know how many times I went to that theater?

That was my hangout neighborhood because I worked on 52nd and 7th. So I didn't have to be until 5. You know me, Doug, I'm an early rising. I get up at 10 ready to rock. 4 a.m. to go with the pool. So I would fucking go into the city, go do all that.

All that shit was done by 1130. So by the time 1130 came, I had an option. I could go to Carvel and hit the two movie theater, the double feature. That's why I saw Thiefa Hearts and Scarface. You saw Scarface in the theaters? But they replayed it with Thief of Hearts.

Thief of Hearts was a movie Stephen Bauer did. Two or three years later, that was horrendous. It was horrendous. They were trying to parlay the Scarface into... With Thiefa Hearts, Scarface. And then I saw... That's the first time I ever sat through... I saw Officer in the Gentleman

and I saw fucking... American jiggle-oh. Crazy. And I had seen American jiggleau, and I hated Richard Gere, but I went to Officer and the gentleman because I had to kill two hours of work. I was cold out there,

but it was one of my favorite movies. And then, so now I would always have a choice between 178 or 181st on the corner. But 181st was a black movie theater. So it was a different, different crowd. It was a different vibe. Right.

This was, the other place was the sticky floor, where it was filthy, and people jerked because I think I'm not they showed porn there oh my god who knows what they showed in there it was terrible it was terrible you got I think I got bugs there I wouldn't be surprised I got crabs in there it was disgusting the tickets weren't even like tickets yeah it was a dollar for two movies it was brutal man it was a dollar yeah it was 1983 oh yeah that's really 1984 1985 but if you walked 50 yards up they have like a modern lows and shit right and the first movie I wanted to see in there was the the show gun of

Holland. You talking about, you talking about The Last Dragon? The Last Dragon. And black people were going crazy. Have you seen that movie, Lee? I think I've seen pieces with joy. That's the first time. These are cultural moments in New York. That's the first time I saw that I had heard about black movie theaters. I had heard about black people of movie theaters. But that's the first time. And there's a movie theater seen in that movie. Yes. There's a movie theater seen in that movie. In that movie. Yes. So I went to see that. Very Gordy. Barry Gordy's The Last Dragon. That's tremendous movie.

The Kung, the show Gunther of Holland, which he just died two years ago. Are you serious? He just died two years ago. We even put it up. We even put it up because it was on like, it was like on Twitter. It's a sad day in martial arts history. Yo, such a classic, bro. Gunna Harlem died.

Fucking Vanity. Vanity was in there. Vanity was in it. Remember the villain, the guy with the piranhas? Yeah, the guy with the piranhas. Who got from good fellas? Who got from good fellas? There was his bodyguard.

The guy, totally, totally untraceable. he plays the bodyguard to the little guy in there the villain the villain yeah that was that guy did a thousand movie roles God bless him he was a character actor right he was a character actor he's Frenchie and goodfellas he played Frenchie for real yeah he's Frenchie and goodfellas same guy Rogan knows him really well that's hilarious but I'm gonna tell you what movie taught me the most about life about African-American people Deep down inside, bro, African-American people love white people.

They really do. And that's why they get so hurt. Because every black person, every African-American person you meet, if you talk to them a little bit, get to know them, they dig something white, and they're ashamed to say. Like, I had an African-American friend that wouldn't tell nobody he was a fucking beetle fan. In the 70s, if you were black, you couldn't tell a motherfucker. You're like, the Beatles, they smack you.

Your three black cousins are spent the shit out of you. No, there was something about certain values that were associated with whiteness. Because I remember having similar experiences in like in grade school and high school. New York was the king of that shit. If you read something, it'd be like, why you reading that shit? You know what I mean? Right. Oh, I'm sorry.

You hide it. Because you're right, it was associated with like white society. And it was a shame thing about it. But you're right, it's... There was a guy when I met, when I did the longish job, my dear friend, her husband was African-American. And we had been dear friends. I mean, dear friends, he's from Compton. He's from Compton.

He grew up in gangs and shit. You know, the whole fucking thing. And do you know what she told me once? She goes, Joey, he's on his way to Hollywood to take a picture because he wants to be an extra in Longish Yard. I go, what are you talking about? He goes, he's a big Adam Salafan. I go, your husband, the gang member with the gun.

Yeah. He thinks Adam Sandler's like Jesus Christ. So African Americans really do love. They have white heroes. They really do. They have to be like me. I'm Cuban and I had white heroes. They have to be.

And we love the godfather? Yeah, we love the godfather. So guess what movie I saw that made black people almost kill each other? And I've watched a thousand movies. What year was this? 85. It's probably a really white movie. Like the breakfast club?

No, no, no. It's just, it's an 85. I saw something, but I thought black people were going to kill everybody in that movie. All right, listen, I want to guess this. Give me a hint. Was it, was it filmed in New York? Was it, was it, was it? It's, it's, it's, uh, it's, uh, an army movie movie. Army movie. Are the live viewers commenting, trying to guess this? No, no, no. Okay, because this is, this is good trivia. An Army movie 85. Well, listen, I ain't know Houdini, Rambo. For real? I would never guess that. Bro. When Rambo? shot that Japanese dude with the arrow that exploded black people's heads

almost blew the fuck up but the scene that made them go crazy was when he hit himself in the mud and the Russian was looking for him and all of a sudden his eyes opened up and he came out and stabbed the dude black people went they were a high five and going that's my

motherfucker Rambo's my motherfucker that's a motherfucker But when he pulled that arrow back and blew that Vietnamese guy off, because in that time he had arrows that had explosives, and the guy's shooting at him, and then he runs, and he shoots at him, and he realizes out of bullets, and Austin and Rambo pulls the thing back,

and you could hear every black person going, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, no, he ain't, no, no, no, no. And when the Vietnamese guy blew up, they fucking all were up on their feet yelling, high-fiving, what the fuck? Fuck Martin Luther King. They were fucking karate chopping each other in the neck. I was like this, Doug.

I was looking back on, oh my God. When he shot that Vietnamese dude with the arrow and that dude blew up, African-Americans went fucking nuts. They walked out of it happier than fuck. When he does that speech in the end? I had a joke one time about it, because Netflix has his new show called Black Mirror? Black what? Black Mirror. And I was at the Gotham Comedy Club and everybody's like, oh my God, it's so interactive. You can interact. I was like,

yo, we've been doing that for years. Like, you go to any theater in New York, like in those days, we're interacting with the movie. You know what I'm saying? I remember 42nd Street. It was 42nd Street. Bro, porn and then... And people would get into arguments. Like, if you went to a movie, if you play hooky and went to a movie in the daytime, you know, in those days at the mental house they would give you like a day pass like a bus ticket a little recess and give you like a little movie ticket and you would go

to the movie ticket by yourself so a lot of those movie theaters in the daytime of the matinee were fucked up people in New York those days like that little yellow bus would pull up and you see like guys walk out that was schizophrenic and shit and here they are watching like a Charles Brunson movie and shit where are they coming from? Bro that would never

fly today. I still remember that would never fly today that is hilarious. I still remember being in San Francisco in 85 and paying a dollar for three colonies with movies like Dirty Harry, the other one and the other one. You go in there at 11 in the morning, you don't walk out until five. And then it starts again at six and you don't walk out till midnight. I mean, you got to be a fucking animal to go to those. But people, it was back. That's incredible. We're in San Francisco.

And there was that one scene and one movie where he shot like four black dudes first, then three more, but then some black guy got up in the back, and this had to be 86, and he got up in the back, and he was like, if he shoots one more, nigga, I'm leaving. That is epic.

And I'm like, what the fuck? And nobody said nothing. People are like, shut up, man. I want to ask you about it is, what was it like, and I hope you did? What was it like going to see Bruce Lee movies in the theater? Did you get that opportunity to see this? Yes, I did.

Yes, I did. And you can't describe it. You can't. People forget how in the inner city, Bruce was a bomb, dude. Like, we would lose our minds watching those movies. Listen, the Vietnam War made this country lose a lot of hope. You know, like, the country was in a weird time. I had just gotten here from Cuba.

Black people. African Americans were fighting for their shit up on the 25th Street. Harlem, right. My mother had a bond on the 27th Street. and you could feel the tension. There was a different pride to the African-American in New York. I still remember walking my best friend, the black kid, Jasper Williams, walking, like, on Broadway, lying to our mothers,

that we're going to go play checkers. And walking to buy the new James Brown hot pants. Hot pants. Like, I still remember me and him were going to walking, like, 120 years to first in Broadway. Like, nobody at the age of five walked five blocks. Crazy. In New York, they did. My daughter would never fucking walk.

blocks I'd kill her but we would bro you weren't even let it go to the groceries still by himself no but you know it was a different time people people people what you know you you had a homie with you nobody was gonna snatch you up but when Bruce Lee came Bruce Lee first appeared on the Greenhorned correct and then he disappeared that's right really knew what was going on nobody knew his name just people were like what happened to the Green Hornet Then Fist of Fury came out. He went to China, that's right.

The first one. And that, it was popular, but it didn't win him over. It didn't really win a moment. I'm talking to you from a New Yorker going to see Fistor Fury. I saw Fist of Fury at the Union City Cinema. Hilarious. In those days, on 48th Street, a Clairce from a barber.

He was talking about Barbbers, and he was my barber's name was Angelithel. and he would cut your hair and then he would put spray in your hair like even if he didn't want it that's shit that's shit he'd give it to you mad shiny for no reason and then he put purple lights on you

and he'd go meet alo by that's some gadita that's how you get them tips baby and you would be looking at the middle like oh shit I'm a I'm a legend baby I'm a king I'm getting some pussy

I'm getting these streets you got nothing but he was right across the street from there I remember going to see that movie and like going back that night like my mom had bar on 29th Street so 48th Street was what the movie theater was it had to be had to be seven eight crazy came out and then he released then I was in Catholic school which one

would you go to sacred heart school for boys in Connie New Jersey okay the third to the fifth grade in the fourth grade I still remember taking shower was being in our pajamas and sitting around watching happy days with like 14 other kids in the dormitory and all of a sudden they showed the trailer like we were all talking in between commercials like yeah we're gonna play tag tomorrow and all of a sudden they showed the trailer

for the Chinese connection and the room went silent he sucked the air out of the room the trailer just took this air out of the room you knew this is gonna be big I still remember my stepdad and mom my mom and my stepdad picking me up on Friday Thursday night

and like going what I said? He's not going to be there. Do you want to go into Manhattan to see your godmother? And I'm like, we're going to see Bruce Lee tonight. Like, I'm finding a way to go see Bruce Lee. And they're like, we had so many plans. No.

And I still remember my father taking me to see. But you got to remember, before Bruce Lee came, movie Five Fingers of Death. Five Fingers of Death kicked off the Asian scene with the red hand and the Iron Palm technique. Then Bruce Lee came, which made it harder. But five fingers of him. of death kicked down the door five fingers at that kicked down the door and then

once Bruce Lee hit that's it New York had become a kung fu cultural event yo that was it was a very specific time yes man that's what I want to say we're all doing the whole that's what I want to talk about Harlem had his own style of khan and karate and showed everything became kung fu because that's what Bruce Lee did everybody's wanted to study Wing chung there was no Wing chung in New York maybe one guy in the East Village he had 9,000 students You got two classes 24 hours a day. If you watch Martin as a scene, even the show Martin,

that scene from Chinese Connection, Bruce goes, why did you kill my teacher? Why, why, why, why? Tremendous. Dude, it was, and that, that, like, UFC's great now. That's all great, but like the 80s martial arts, when Stephen Seaghan came out and Van Dam and all that stuff, nothing, nothing compared, because there was more going on. Right.

And you're talking about New York. Let me tell you what was going on in New York that destroyed New York. So while Bruce Lee is kicking the shit out of people And we're all in movie theaters You motherfuckers don't believe me, bitches You better go up and drop your stats right now Because I just I hate Major League Baseball

But it stuck on my thing Because I don't know how to change it on serious When I bought the car I got Major League Baseball this morning I always wondered why he had those stations Yeah, I don't know nothing about I got three Studio 54s I only need one I got three of them

This morning they were talking about fucking the Cincinnati Reds going with an independent and then the next season being they barely made 500 and he started talking about there was something going on in this country at this point the fucking the Mets are just won. You got to believe was the slogan. Fucking New York City was on fire. It was 1969 and shit. New York was dirty. There was garbage everywhere. There was fucking garbage.

I've been as a kid we did everything in the daytime but one thing we did three times a week I swear to my daughter is we kill a rat we that's when rats came out the daytime they didn't give a fuck jack we'd be out like a corn and go what the fuck is that is that a rat and we chase it then hit it with rocks and then sticks so people and then run over it with a fucking bicycle and after all that then we'd light it on fire we put glue on it we light the motherfucker joie so like people hear this and they're probably like oh my god that's not funny the reason laugh is because to me that's nostalgia. I've seen my dad barefoot with a broom kill rats. Yeah. Putting a black garbage bag and toss it out. Bafuera. Like nothing. But did he let it on fire?

That's another step. That's when you're six and seven and eight. That's a, you know, that's a whole level. Ten of us will be kicking this rat. The rat would be fucking a foot long. Oh. The rats were big. The rats were big. They had similar boots, gold chains. And you would see them on the corner in between the tires. That's how we would see him. So we would always have our eyes out for rats. Very seldom did you see one. We'd see him at six.

Once it got a doctor, there's always that fat one that can't wait. He comes out a little early for the fucking, for the Moonlight Special. You should do a voiceover with Joey is, like the nature narrator. Yeah. He's coming out, six o'clock, the fat one. That's the fat fucking rat that couldn't wait. He kicked weight watches. He can't wait.

He got to go. Gotta go. And we would get them. And your mother would be out of Sue, Cobel. She would yell out the window. And we'd have the rat. In those days, we wouldn't touch it. We'd push him with a broomstick.

The broomstick, there you go. And then we'd kill him. He would still be half alive. And then we'd start getting rocks. He'll get rocks. Start throwing rocks with the motherfucker and then bottles. And then we fucking get a bicycle and run over his head. Dude, it was crazy.

And then we'd pour a fucking mutine lighter. And then we'd light him on fire. We'd just sit there. Fuck you, bitch. Don't come on this buck no more and shit. We would just yell. It was fucking crazy. Then we used to take the bottom off in chairs.

there were silver caps you took the bottom of about what I'm telling you people because it all went together you know Brooklyn is the fourth largest city in the nation but the other correct that Brooklyn holds that a lot of people are known is it has every immigrant

every country in the world has a representative there whether it's a half a block whether it's a block it's a melting pot for a lot of things and I love it I love that you go to Brooklyn get Dominican food from one side of the island. I love Jamaican food.

You can go get Jamaica food. You could do this stuff. Whether I like it or not, it's in reality. But the early 70s in New York was focused basically on Dominicans, Puerto Ricans, not that many Dominicans yet. Dominicans, Puerto Ricans and Italians, Italians, Jewish, right, Jewish? A lot of Jewish. And the Vietnam War was going on.

So a lot of people were losing their faith. but there was two fates that there was a couple of people that weren't losing their faiths you know white people because of baseball black people because of Bruce Lee because even if he wasn't black he was still represented the minority and you had another guy that people forget I can't even say his name because I get sad you had a guy that was a complete gentleman his name was Roberto Clemente oh my God man absolutely okay this guy there's a statue of him in the

Bronx when you go to the state park if if you have to talk about not just a baseball player but a gentleman all the way around this guy if you want to be a man in today's world black Latino too yeah a Puerto Rican dude if you want to fucking be a man

in today's world do me a favor don't listen to me don't listen to me those is the fucking Joe Rogan don't listen to Corolla and these assholes go read about Roberto Clemente. Read it is stats. Read, watch the videos of what he would do. Watch the shit. Watch him every time he did an interview. He had a shirt and tie on and his English was perfect. He would find it disrespectful to not talk English. Like his English was perfect. He was the perfect Latino. So he represented.

This was what New York was. Everybody loves baseball. And Roberto Clement. was baseball. If you like baseball, whether you hated blacks, whites, whatever, fucking Roberto Clemente was doing something in Pittsburgh that was never seen before.

He hit that fucking 200, 3,000 hits in New York. He got his 3,000. You know, it's not how many people you shoot. It's who you shoot. Like, he could have got the 3,000 hits in Pittsburgh. But he got in New York. But he goes,

let me do this from the Ricans in New York. These motherfuckers are down. When he hit that 3,000 hit against the Mets, Puerto Ricans were stabbing each other. Yes, man. Jumping up and down. And mind you, this is against the New York team. Against the New York team that loves him. Because no, everybody loved Roberto Clemente.

Listen, everybody, white, blank. The guy was a Dodger, and they didn't touch him. They didn't talk to him because he was half dark. That's a true story. Pittsburgh got him for like a dollar. Pittsburgh got him for a dollar. We got him on eBay, Greg. What about this guy over here?

in the corner he's a black guy he could kind of it why isn't that movie made why isn't the roberto clement because this country who doesn't know roberta clemente it's a waste of the investment they would not understand what a man is of that caliber they would not understand you just said it yourself your dad would come in he loses oh he loses mine you got charles brons yeah these are my dad's heroes charles bronson's my hero yeah those are my heroes it's so funny that i talk about him and i think about this kid a lot dearly One of my best friends growing up was Dominican. And he was from Houston Street.

Right. His name is Louis Hernandez. Unlike you, he was very dark-skinned. He had a little afra. But he moved into the wrong neighbor. He moved into my neighborhood. So right away, they called him Louis the nigger. And I would tell people, he ain't black.

He's Dominican. It's the same shit. No, it ain't. No, it ain't. He's fucking Spanish. Down these mean streets, Petty Thomas. But he was cool as shit. And I still think he's a psychiatrist today.

Be for real? Yeah. He's a psychiatrist in New York so he could jump. That Dominican could jump, Jack. He had legs. He could jump as a fucking kid. He could almost slam dunk in the eighth grade by an inch or two. It's a great story.

The guy became a psychiatrist. That's an amazing story. After he got tortured all those years. That's what I'm saying. It's a nice redemptive story. But Clemente, bro, Clemente was my father, Paul Loza. When Clemente died, you didn't see Spanish people for a week. It was so sad the way he died too, man.

He died New Year's Day. You opened up the year with the death of Roberto Clemente. It was devastating for a lot of people, man. So now, now you got Bruce Lee holding the toe. Bruce Lee was holding the bell. That was it. Bruce Lee was representing, bro. And he had a new movie coming out and shit.

And the movie was gonna kick ass. And every Saturday, we'd go down to Chinatown and we'd buy fucking yin-yang juice, like shit to drink. Mm-hmm. Shit that we put on a bag and you would hit your hands on it and make believe your hands got strong. And I would walk around with the Bruce. Lee outfit on the shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when the dragon came out, we lost our minds and then there wasn't no internet. There was no news from China. There was no breaking news. We went to Chinatown and we found out Bruce Lee died. And I remember all five or six of us just broke down in tears right there. And they had pictures from the funeral of Steve McQueen and James Colburn and the thing over his eye.

And that changed America. changed America. You know, last night I was telling man we were watching the U.S. versus John Lennon. When John Lennon moved to, after he did all the anti-war shit, he moved to New York and he made New York his home. I was a kid when John Lennon died.

I never saw anything like that in my life. When John Lennon died, that was huge in New York. I mean, they told you, don't bring the car in. That was 40 years. ago. Almost right. 1980 he died.

So yeah. Yeah. It's 39 fucking years. They told you, don't bring the car in because it's going to be that bad. If you look at, if you go all the time,

look at anything from YouTube from John Lennon's death, look what was going on around the country. Bro, people felt it. People felt it. And the Beatles couldn't get back together. So people like me were happy.

Now I could talk shit. You know what I'm saying? Fuck you with the Beatles. I got Led Zeppelin and shit. And I saw no about Sancerra, you know what I'm saying? So what made you get into comedy? I can share this with you, Joe. You know, your upbringing is so chaotic.

You know, granted, you had, you know, I've heard some of your stories. Your stuff is a lot more, you know, sporadic and just chaos too, you know. But like, who knows why you do comedy, right? Like the easy answer is like, oh, I'm trying to make my mother laugh or something like that. I don't know. But I still don't know why I do comedy. I don't know why. I'm drawn to it.

I love it. You know, I think I'm funny. Some days I'm not as funny as I think I am. Um, I just think that comedy is the essence. You know, it's who you are. And if you want it, the universe says, yo, you got to go do this. You got to go do this, bro. I mean, your story is crazy.

The prison, the drug. And yet still, you ought to tell him jokes. That's a genetic. That's a genetic thing, bro. That's like, nothing could have stopped you from doing that. And it's proven that. Everything in your life story, like everything they're thrown at you, you're still up there telling you. I didn't give a fuck.

Yeah, I don't give a fuck. You can't. Once you start giving a fuck, they win. But the problem is people fake not giving a fuck. Yeah. No, no, no, you can't fake that. You have to go through it to not give a fuck. There we go.

You have to go through it. I won't do it. I won't ask. I ain't paying no bills. What? I ain't paying the government. I ain't paying taxes. I ain't doing shit. I'm doing this my way, bitch.

I'll catch you on the rebark. I'll catch you on the rebut. You know what I'm saying? You make me laugh because it's such a New York thing to say. What do you want me to say? You want me to apologize for my actions? I've done. I did my time.

What was that moment where you were like, I just, I've had it. I'm not going back. I'm a different person now. As soon as I walked out of prison, I knew I wasn't going back, but you can't change somebody overnight. I talk about rehabilitation is a big, process to jump you are who you are they fucking baptize you because you're born a thief it's to control your thievery you know what I'm saying how much you're gonna steal is up to you

after I got out of prison yeah I still hustled for about six or seven years I did illegal things but not to the point where that if I got caught I was to do major time you know little drug deals here they're just to stay alive it was shit just to stay a lot once I got out here and I got to the comedy store, I saw it there was a little beam of hope. Because for anybody who wants to get their life change, they just need to see a light of hope. Little faith, a little belief. This is possible. This is possible.

And now is what the discipline comes in. Now is when you got to keep your hands in your pockets. Because that's when don't let your character ruin your destiny. I didn't know that saying at first. But I learned it and I saw myself do it at the comedy store. Like I saw a thousand things like a rob at the comedy story. You know what I'm saying? I saw purses.

I saw people making mistakes. Right. And you went so you went from Reflex to choice. To choice. Now this is what I have to do. I'm here. I'm on the AAA League. I'm at the farm team of the Yankees.

And there's only one outfielder ahead of me. He's 38. I got this. I'm right here. How can I fuck up now? And that's when you have to. Remember, it's easy to fuck up when you're doing well. That's when you fuck up when you're doing well.

It's not when you're doing bad. You don't give a fuck about a fuck. I forgot to pay the light bill. You do dumb shit when you're doing well. That's when you don't think about something. Bam, there you go. There's to, you know. Problems.

You're on fucking TMZ or something. You lose track of reality. You're almost not connected. You're distracted. That's why success sometimes. it's fucked up because you have to be ready for it, prepared for it, know how to handle it,

and know how to go through it with no stress. I heard a funny quote from this guy named Michael Beckwith. He said, fate is what's given to you. Destiny is what you do with it. That's it. And I found that so impactful.

I was like, man, that makes a lot of sense. Sometimes God opens up the door for you and we don't have the balls to go through it because we know it's going to change our life. But we're scared of change. We're naturally scared of change. How old did it take you to do comedy and start getting known around the New York area?

Eight years, eight, nine years? Eight nine years. Eight nine years? Then you went to Montreal? Then I did just for laughs in 2015. And that's when everything kind of kicked off in terms of like on a significant level, so to speak. Got the pilot deal, shot it with NBC, got a bigger agency. And then the pilot doesn't get picked up.

And you love kind of holding your hands. like, yo, it's such a massive disappointment because you're thinking this is a great opportunity to tell a specific story from New York. As someone from New York, you get it. Like, the stuff you're talking about the rats and all that stuff, like, people don't understand, man, like for people like us, like those stories mean so much. It's a moment in New York, and I get it, it was terrible. But it's a moment.

And to have that opportunity to share those stories on TV, that's all I wanted. And then when they pull it away from you, like, oh, God, man. Like, I had an opportunity to show a New York dad, to show a New York Latino dad, is super like that character everybody in New York knows him and how hard he worked and how hard he had to get then raising a family in the crack era you know my father my father lived in a bit it was a full of crack the whole building the whole street and you got to raise three kids with that environment and to not have that story be told it was like it's crushing bro you feel like what's next like you go on stage when my pilot when my pilot didn't get picked up I had a gig in

in Indiana's and crackers I was headlining there and it's one of those weekends where they go listen, you're headlining, but there's the Indy 500, so no one's coming to your show. So I'm doing a show for like 10 people in Indiana. And I'm like, you go from this high of shooting a pilot, and now you're doing a show for 10 people. And you kind of go, what's real? What's real, man? Like, the hell's going on? It was such a mind warp for a couple months, man.

You know, therapy and friends and family and all this stuff. But, you know, it's tough. It's brutal. And when you're very young, you don't understand. The town throws a lot of stuff at you quickly. While you're shooting a pilot, you get a lot of smoke blowing up your ass by people. A little crazy. And it's a big letdown.

Huge letdown. And I moved here to shoot a pilot. And I went from having a page of dialogue. I didn't know I was doing until one line to basically just standing there. But the pilot was still going to get picked up. Hopefully, and then it was CBS's answer to NYPD Blue. It would be a drama, a little bit of comedy. And they put $2 million into,

they paid the director $2 million to shoot it because it was a really good director. I forget what his name was, and it didn't get picked up. Was I disappointed? Yes. Yeah, that one killed me because I expected to get out of my home.

I knew it wasn't going to save my life, but I knew it would keep me above ground. Four episodes at like 8,200 an episode. Yeah, you make some money. You got some. It was 32 grand. I was looking at 34 fucking grand. And, you know, when they said no, I was like, fuck, that's, that could have been like

an apartment, furniture, a down payment on a car. I could pay some child support off. It buys you time. It buys you time. Bives you time. What's what you're trying to do is buy time at that. So how do you feel today? Like, how do you feel?

Um, I, I, I feel, I feel, uh, I feel, uh, I feel, uh, I feel great, man. Just one of those things but like you're kind of, you're blessed to have the opportunity. You have a sense of gratitude about everything. A lot of people don't get to shoot a pilot. You know, these are champagne problems.

There's people with bigger problems. And I made a lot of friends. What I did notice when I'm probably going to get picked up was like relationships matter. You know, like friendships matter and those things matter. And because pilots come and go, but friendships, memories,

who you know, who you don't know, You know, I always tell people like, stop working so much about pitching and worry about connecting with people. Because sometimes the people that get the offers are the ones that they feel most connected with. We can work with this guy. We can succeed with this guy. We can win with this guy.

And trying to get the pitch or the opportunity is like, you know, you read Kevin Hart's book, right? Kevin Hartbook. I never read it yet. And he was like in $400,000 in debt, kid on the way. Bleak. Bleak, you know. And through a series of different events and opportunities, he came out the other side.

side. But it was a long journey between when he got Just for Laughs and that half a million dollar deal and when he became Kevin Hart. Like you said, no one told you about the disappointments. Like I was talking to Adam Ferrara one time and he had a pilot pulled. He shot and he shared with me his story. I won't tell it because it's his story. But you start to realize that other comics, other good comics, the good ones, this is part of the path. The good comics have these major disappointments. Richard Pryor had it when he walked out that Sean in Vegas. Chappelle had him when he had that variety magazine thing where they called him a racist.

The good comics, they realized when they hit that wall, like, I have nothing else to do. This is it. I got to tell these jokes. There's no wall. Right, right. That stage and that microphone is always there.

And I saw it a thousand times. I saw a thousand good comics that came to this town, got a TV deal, fucking basically told us every other comic at all three clubs to go fucking. I mean they drank the fucking chulin right at Montreal they kind of walked away from comedy it was a year process they shot the pilot they bought a new car the wife and him

bought a new house and awesome and put his shirt don't get picked up and now the comic is in limbo now you start to see him six months later he doesn't say much to anybody he's doing spots he tries to get on stage but he quit comedy he flung his fingers that were got them to the dance. You gave a finger that what got you to the dance. I don't give a fuck if you shoot for two pilots. You make sure to get down to that comedy store Saturday or Sunday nights. Tell Adam the truth.

I shoot two shows. I said, I don't just work out once a week. And you keep those chops up. I can name 10 comics today. That would have been stars if they didn't drink the fucking juice. And they took off for these reasons and that reasons they didn't write. And now they want to catch up in the game because their show is gone. Right.

That bread and butt is gone. But when they had the opportunity while the show was gone, they never thought about these things because you're trying to retain these people. You're trying for them to come to your show and to come back again to start a relationship with you on social media. It's a different game today. It's not what it used to be. When you first got to the comedy store, right? You said that was a beacon of life for you. Beacon of life.

How did you sustain yourself psychologically? because is it did you have a goal like I want to get famous or was it like I'm just gonna keep doing this and see where it takes me I just want to keep doing this and see where it takes right there was no thought of fame there was no thought of movies there was no thought of films there was no thought of TV because of my past I had all my sins get in the way and I always told myself I wasn't good enough of that shit so if I'm lucky just to get spots I was just playing the end I was basically playing the hand.

I didn't know that. And then I would say six more months, and I'd book a commercial. Six more months, I'd book a commercial. Six more months, I book a commercial. There was always something every six months that kept me here. Crazy.

But the whole time, I'm doing six spots at the comedy store and two spots in Willie's room and two spots with Felipe in a room on a Sunday night. So I kept getting better at comedy unknowingly. Just doing it. Unknowingly, you're just improving. And Montreal don't like you.

the three agencies don't like you the top management teams don't like you you're not perfect for this you're not right for this you're not right for that okay I fucked let me take an acting class I took an acting class

$25 a session I did that for a few weeks that guy didn't like comics yeah he didn't like comedians because he had a bad experience with dice Frank Megna was his name and then I joined another acting plays and Josh Wolf got a deal,

and he gave me the $500 to join up to the other acting place. And I went to the acting place, and I started booking movies because I knew stand-up, the door was going to be closed on me. So I figured if stand-up was going through the back door, I'm going through the back door, through acting. But now the rules on acting changed. It used to be when I got it,

that if you booked two TV shows, that's it. Next thing you know, people were buying tickets to go see you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I kept booking and booking and booking and nothing. Got the longest yard. Oh, wait till the movie comes out, bro. When this movie comes out, bro, you might as well go buy a Porsche right now.

I'm tired. Movie came out, nobody called. Wow. And, yeah, I got an agent call me to book me out in the road, but I was getting 60 people walking in, and when I'd get off stage, it'd be seven, because I'd walk all of them. Right.

They thought they were going to see Adam Sandler character. I'm up there talking about pussy, you're fucking assholes, cocaine rocks and choking bitches and shit like that they were fucking run out of it but it's the adjustments you make this career is all about audibles you have a plan you're going to write your plan out i wrote my plan out for the year already yeah same here to what i want right happened but there's going to be audibles every 90 days there's going to be an audible so now you've got to switch up that plan now what you wanted to do in november now you might have to do in jane

Which you follow me? Yes, course correction. So this is always audibles. Comedy has a lot of things that a lot of people can't do because it's just not getting up on stage and cracking jokes and writing. Then after you get to where you're going, then you've got to figure out the strategy to stay the way you are. Yeah, man.

And to keep improving. And then you've got to come up with another strategy. And it's just strategies. This is a game of fucking strategies if you really think about it. And right now you're 30. 7.37. Your first deal was given to you when you were 34. 34, 35. You know what, man? You might not see another deal now until you're 42. Who knows? You'll see it. Yeah. You'll see another one, another two. They'll get hot on you from a different angle. The best thing was you never gave up. When I saw you on the stage of flappers that night, I was so fucking happy. Because I go, this kid never gave up. That's a good point right there. A lot of people after that pilots don't get picked up. They take up. They take. Oh, they get very bitter, too. A lot of guys get bitter.

They get very... I saw tons of people come in the late 90s and early 2000s, and you would feel insecure. Like, you'd see these people's live chains. A half million dollar deal, you clear 300. That's an apartment. That's a nice chunk of change. That's a nice chunk of change.

That's a nice chunk of change. That's a nice chunk of change. That's a nice chunk of change. You know, to get you started in L.A., put $100 in the bank, let you do sets. You're going to kill yourself right of that. up front. The desperation's gone. Yeah, that desperation's gone. Not everybody gets that.

So everybody was getting those, except me. Can we talk a little bit about because I know, you said you've never, they didn't want you now and now you won't go or can't go. But like, can you talk about how big Montreal? Like, it's just, I'm like, I'm wondering what it feels like

to kill it, like you were talking about going from high to lows. Like, to kill Montreal and get a deal there. Like, that must be One, it never happens anymore. So I was the rare occasion. And I remember telling my therapist, I was like, I don't know if they're going to get me up there.

They're going to understand me, that kind of thing. And I killed. I crushed up there, you know. And like, what it does for a comic in an external way that it legitimizes you. You know, you have to legitimize yourself at the end of the day. But externally, it's like, oh, this kid is legitimate. He's legitimate, stand up, you know, and the industry takes you seriously. They'll take a meeting with you now.

That's what Justful Laughs does, you know? And you meet everybody. Chappelle's walking around. You know, I did a show with Sebastian Manascalco. And in 2015, he sold out like seven shows at this small church, this big show. And it's my first, I was in the back with him and his wife. And at the time, I was like, Sebastian was like the guy, you know. He's still a fucking guy.

He's to standups. Like he wasn't like as popular as, but standups knew like, oh, Sebastian, you know. And I got to open up. for him and it was this thing of like, you know, you know Sebastian's story being a waiter at the four seasons and then and then doing spots at the comedy store in between, like, you know, going into debt at one point and having his dad repay him back. I found this stuff out later. But then you meet him and you're like, oh, this is possible. Like this guy left Chicago to go to LA. Now he's headlining at the Just for Last comedy festival selling stuff out. He goes from an

immigrant family like, oh, this is possible. You know, that was what Just for Las was like, oh, this is possible. It's this feeling of like possibility. Like, oh, this is. can happen. You meet people from all over the world coming here to watch these shows. And it's the biggest the biggest comedy festival, you know? And like, um, the people you meet there, they stay friends for life. And you always go back to that. Like, yo, he and I did new faces in 2015. You know, and you have those stories to go back home. How point? When was the first time you showcased from Montreal? I did it three times that I got it. I got it the third year. Third year I got. How many years did you do comedy before you show? I, I was doing comedy five years when I first showcased.

And I was doing it eight when I got it. Eight years in when I got it. Eight years in when I got it. And again, eight years in New York is a different eight years. No offense to anybody. But eight years in New York is doing four or five sets a night while having a day job. You know what I'm saying? What are we doing a day job?

I had several. I was a grants administrator at a nonprofit law firm. I was like an office manager for a small nonprofit. That was my last gig. I had a great boss. His name was Jeremy. And he was super nice. but you're doing these sets

to like three in the morning and then getting up to go to work. Doing that for years. You know, and doing like, shows, driving out to Philadelphia for like 50 bucks, you know, driving up to upstate for 100 bucks or whatever it is.

So. I never work with Roger Paul, but I know of Roger Paul. But there's guys like Tom and Junior at Omnipop. They give you little feature work at the Stress Factory. In those days, when you got a feature work,

like, oh, I got the feature spot. Like, the feature spot was so dope because you had six shows lined up. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. You had like, you were so happy, man. You were getting paid. You're like, oh, I got feature work, you know? And so I was doing that for eight years, and then I kind of got some heat.

But you know what it is. In New York is a very different town because of the subway. So you can do a show in Brooklyn, take the subway back to Manhattan. Then you can do a show downtown Lower East Side, then shoot up back to Times Square, do another show. So that whole time, between spots, you're writing. That joke didn't work at this spot. Let me change it up for this show.

You'd find it up. to the comic strip that have a late night thing there and then you know you jump on a spot somebody canceled you know LA LA I find to be very different you know you you grew here and developed but I find New York to be more conducive to young comics in terms of developing and getting that muscle yeah this is not a good place it's harder here it's hard it's hard it's hard it's hard it's very hard to hear and you have distractions the open micers yes man yes man this open micers and it's uh the whole population of them in a way that are in LA start hearing things that they shouldn't.

Right. You're in conversations that you shouldn't even be worried about. Right. So step outside. Right. You're in conversations that you... Correct. You had eight years from worried about this.

Correct. So go somewhere. Correct. You should not be talking about this. This is the problem you have here. They start... I heard that the Starbucks on Vine, if you do comedy there, there's an agent that shows up there.

That's it. You lost. I can't worry about it. The first five years are just to grow. You got to figure out how to get into the dirtiest, scummiest places and make those people laugh and then worry about. And that's why I don't like comedy here. Trust me, a lot of people have grown and love to it.

I've had some terrible shows. I'm sure you had worse because I always hear stories about comedians. Like, I was doing comedy like 2000s around there, and I would do the quote unquote hood rooms or urban rooms. I was doing shows with, you know, crazy stuff. the World Series is on and you're trying to tell jokes. You know, like, when you say in the trenches, like, those things exist. Those things exist.

And they were worse than your day. They were worse than you. They're like, they gotten better now. Like, now guys are doing shows in the back of comic book stores and coffee shops and, you know, like, it's a very warm for the artist, which is great, which I love. But you're right, there were days when you're doing shows in the worst conditions with this dream of, like, maybe I could do something with this. Well, you don't want warmth. Looking back at it now, you don't want warmth. You want five people to clap and pay attention.

You worked hard. You're looking. You're striving. Those eight years. Did you ever feel frustrated? What I was always struggling with, Joey, and I'm curious to hear what your take on this is, you write this material, right? You write this material in your house.

You write it. But then you realize the circumstances change when you get on stage. So it's like you can't work on the material. You got to work on what is needed in that. moment and that's what comedy is it's like deconstructing yourself uptake it's like well true road put it to the side that that's not it's not gonna work here we want you we want to see you and it takes time for that you have a piece of material right and you bring it up on stage when you're first starting out where i'm you first starting out i mean oh when you first start

yeah the problem is like different story yeah different game different game i didn't even i wrote horrible the first 10 years and I bought all the writing books because you got to put work into those books and it's moving that muscle I would only write down what I thought of

I would sit there with a notebook for an hour and write one thing and that's good enough for me you know what I'm saying I wouldn't keep adding and adding to me I could do two on here and I could find two other add-on while I'm working it out on stage

just from their reactions. Right. You know, and then you start depending on their reaction and then one day you've got a different reaction. So let me say something else. See what you just talked about? A lot of people don't have. No.

So you're in a fighter stance, okay? You're in a fighter stance. You throw a jab, right? You throw a jab at him. He throws a jab at you. Where's it going to hit? He's aiming over here. So I'm going to take the jab this way.

Block it and I'm going to unleash that right hand. I'm not going to get back and throw it. I'm going to block and win it. I'm going to let it out, right? And then I'm going to give you an inside kick to the leg, and then I'm going to throw another punch at your head. That's what we're doing. That's the setup for today.

Right. But when you go on stage, you're going to realize, you're going to realize that that fucking leg kick, that first punch isn't as smooth as you thought. Right. You've got to take a step back and then throw it. Yes. And that punch, guess what?

If that punch don't connect, if he goes down, you could scoop his neck and knee him in the face. That's what you realize when you go up on stage. You're not going to get that sitting at your house. No. For a guy like me, you're going to get that on stage. And then you get to a place, like chess masters talked about this. Like when they get good, they realize, like, there's just possibilities are endless. Like you said, once you, like, the possibilities up here are endless.

I tell you something. I don't want to tell you the truth. Go ahead. I'm ratting myself out. Go ahead. It's like when I do the original room. Right. I've legitimately been doing the original room for 20 years.

Interesting. I couldn't bomb in there, even if I wanted to. I know all the cheat notes of that room. I would never sell them. You know what I would take you a lot to get the cheap. But even if you'd. told them even if let's say let's say let's say let's say let's say let's say let's say you're not gonna understand that's what I'm saying still go do it yes man you're gonna

pay me for something that you're gonna have to find you could give me all this a blad he's all the cheat codes you can kill cheat codes and I wouldn't be able to do it I went up in the I went up in the OR last night and just leveled them and I'm giggling the whole time because I'm like this wouldn't work anywhere else oh really yeah oh I got cheat notes for the original but they wouldn't work at other clubs the original room has two cheat notes that you have to do every time and you'll get them. And I sit there and I see comics.

Don't do it. And I'm like, it's the fucking original home. However, though, because you know the cheat codes, here's what happens though, Joey. You're able to now you're at a metal level now. Now you're able to genuinely reflect on your craft because you got that out the way. I got the cheat codes. I know how to kill this room.

But guess what else I got? If I give you the cheat notes, you're going to go up there and stick to those cheat notes. So if those cheat notes don't work, you're not going to know what to do. I know what to do, even if the cheat notes don't fucking work. There we go. So I expect you to duck.

But even enough, you don't duck and you stay down. Now I've got to improvise again. So I know the cheat note for the cheat note. Not because I'm better than you. I'm better than leave. Just time in the game. Just time in the game. It's 20 long.

And you're going to come tell me something about that room? 20 years. I walked in there. And every time I go in there, I had a whole microphone. Nervous. Anxious. You would see the wild. Am I going to bomb?

It was like killing a snake. So-and-so just killed the head of me. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. So-and-so's watching tonight. What about it? What am I going to do? No, no, no, no.

I died a thousand deaths in there. So now I know how to live. You know, I was telling George Perez and one of the managers last night at the store, I go, no, 20 years, I just started getting good in the main room. For 10, I hate dog shit. I would avoid it. I used to beg Mitzi Shaw, not to put me in there. That's why she'd put me in there.

I was so stupid. But I should have asked her. Interesting. Can you put me in the main room? Make me uncomfortable. I would tell her. Don't put me in that dog. I don't like it in there.

I'm putting you in there. 1145. You're following Dom Arara. Have a good time. God damn. And in those days, following Dom, you'd rather shoot yourself. What did you learn in those dog shit years?

What did you learn about yourself? I learned. Because obviously you were funny. I learned that no matter what happened. And this applies to life. This is why I love. I love comedy. This is why I can never, ever have a day job.

Because I want my day to be different every day. Number one. Number two, I want to be striving for a different goal every day. Number three, what happens? This is the house I came from a Spanish house. That in my house there was a rule. You can't come in this house that's a car that... No, can't enter in this house that's a car gintere.

Right. Nunca Puehne to come to come down to get What that means is you can never stay hit. I grew up in a house that was fucking put into my mind drilled as a young man by not a male or a female, which makes it even worse, that you do not come into this house, stay hit. Now, most people listen to that, go, and Joe, I don't know what you mean. It means that just because you lost today doesn't mean you're going to lose tomorrow. when you're in Hopen Micah, the first five, six years, listen to me.

You know those Vietnam vets that got held over in Hanoi? They even feel better than you do. Joey, could you go back, like looking at now, could you go back and do what you did to get into comedy? Do you think you have the wherewithal to go through that again? I didn't have a choice. I didn't have it. Right, right, right.

It was going for me. There was no way I was going to work for an electrician for eight years. years before I could open up my own company. I didn't have the time. I knew the cocaine would kill me. I knew the cocaine, the ghost in my closets, me pulling the gun on somebody by mistake one night, me getting desperate, were going to kill me. I needed something to save me. And this is what it was. So you're going to go out some nights and bomb three times. Yeah, man. In life, you're going to go out an interview four days. And bomb.

And bomb. You're going to go for three interviews on Monday, two on Tuesday. On dates, you're going to go on dates and bomb. You're going to bomb in everything. People bomb in life. People forget that. How many times you go on a date? The chick is hot. You start taking off her pants. She pulls an amsy. I'm sorry. She sucks your pipe.

And you eat her pussy. And she's nice. After which she talks to you and she's nice. And you say, let's do this again. She's not a whore. she's just a fun chick but once you take her home when you get back in the car you go

damn I forgot to pull her hair God damn I forget to give her my special I forgot to put my finger in her ass and turn her into a popsicle and eat a pussy and pick her up and then so what do you do you go back the next night

you take it to the movie you're sitting there throughout the whole movie anxious tonight I'm really gonna give a dick tonight you don't even know what the performance anxiety right yeah you just fucking sitting there and my point is that

you go home at night you feel bad bro my day when I first started comedy I had so many bad things going to them I was the process losing my daughter

sorry I was broke I owed 200,000 in debt I had nothing going for me I was a junkie I didn't want to end up that fucking old guy with nothing so the stakes were that high

so when I would come home those nights I would get a grammar coke I would get a notebook like this I would open up a newspaper that was called something that it was a comedy newspaper that was at every comedy club and I would look through the names of the clubs

that I wanted to perform at the Seattle Comedy, the Denver Comedy Works, punchlines, San Francisco and I would write them down in a notebook and I still remember my tears hitting the page as me going Sunday I'm going to play in these clubs so what did I bomb tonight

I'm going to show them tomorrow I became like a serial killer. You know, those kids? Yeah, man. Revenge. Revenge. And it was all about comedy. My fucking focus was comedy.

Tomorrow you're going to go out, be better than when you went. Still dreaming. Yeah. Today I did 13 minutes. Next Monday, I'm going to do 17 minutes. Oh, you know, you know, just talking yourself on and then reading it and seeing the strength of that. Those words into your eyes. Rock bottom.

Rock bottom. Like rock bottom. So in my house, you don't stay hit. If you're part of the church, you never stay hit. So what, you had a bad day. So what? So what? Everybody has them.

And guess what? How about if you have two bad days? How about if you bomb six times in two days? Right. You quit? No. You go home. You get a notebook.

I don't want you to bail on your material. I don't really want you to bail on your material. If this is what's coming to your heart, I just want you how to present it to me. You're not presenting it to me, right? I'm sick and tired of fucking, hey, are the audiences in Austin any different from the Leon New York? Nah, man.

They're human beings. No, no, I'm just, I'm just saying. Yeah, absolutely. These are the general, young, comic. I know, I know, I know exactly you're saying. The audience was stiff. Audience is never stiff. It's you and those eight stiffs that you hang out with that are fucking stiff.

The audience is great. How do you know? Because after all 90 years, a guy with a pulse came in and got a standing ovation. A guy with a pulse came in. A guy with a pulse. All he did was breathe into a glass and jump up and down with a flashlight. And he got a standing ovation. And you nine mutages couldn't even get a fucking look out of the guy.

But instead of those nine guys going home and saying, writing on their journal, the audience was kind of stiff going, no, I sucked. What can I do to make it better? What jokes did I try? Let's add a tag here. Let's move this around. Let's try this new joke in the middle. instead of opening up this new joke,

which I think is garbage, you know what I'm saying? That's all this. And that's the process. Every day. Every day. I can't imagine you guys in New York are savages because you go from set to set to set doing this. I do it at the store.

Thursday, I got to go to the store. I already have something I want to try it. But I forgot to try last night about fucking how Irish people are petafar, future pedophiles. You know, I don't know. It was juicy, though. It was juicy. Yeah, it was juicy.

I'll get you out of here. I got to run it. You have any dates? Right now, no, I'm in LA for policies. Okay, listen, I want you to come back on before. I love to come back on. You leave to New York, which is a month. I never have people turn around because I want to hear more about you.

I like the Spanish faith that you have. I like that you're educated. You came from good stock. You're Dominican. Dominican should be proud of shit. Do you remember when they fucking threw the toilet off the roof and killed the rookie cop on 180? No. That's the Dominican.

Babbage. 1990. No, no, no, no, I'm sorry. They didn't take, right under. So it's Broadway. What's behind Broadway? Wadsworth? Before, if I'm coming from Jersey on the law,

on the George Washington Bridge, Fort Washington. Right, Broadway? What's that street? Pinehurst. They fucking took a spackle bucket. Remember when the Dominicans were lookouts on the roofs, and if they would see the cops, they would take five gallon spackle buckets

and throw it, and they killed the fucking cop. back a bucket. It's crazy, bro. That's 1993, bro. That's what Dominican's got a lock on the fucking upper west side. I used to get all my coke, all that. I used to get off at Port Authority, walk to the corner, and then walk

down. And those buildings that you see as you're about to hit New York, right there, they were right there. Easy access. You walked in, you could double park and get right back on the bridge, but you never took the car and back because then they had impounded. So you came over on the George Washington, and you went back on the Lincoln.

You stop and got a hot dog on 11th Avenue and killed time so that you were off the clock. Bladimir, I love that. You made them. Any dates coming up? No, I'm in L.A. I'm in L.A. Comedy Magic Club, Life Factory, so I'm around. My website is Laughingblad.com.

LackingVlad.com. It was a real pressure. You're a phenomenal young man with a great fucking future. Thank you, brother. We're boys, man. I mean. I love you to death. Thanks for stopping in today, by my.

Thanks for having, man. Stay bright. All right. I want to thank my Mia Vladimir Camano for a very interesting podcast. A great kid. I love to Debt. Don't forget, I'll be at the San Jose Improv. Tickets are just left for Valentine's Day. And for Friday late. That's it or Friday early, one of those shows. Saturday's gone and late's gone. I don't know what the fuck of it is. Get whatever you got left, you fucking savages. You know I love you. I can't wait to go to San Jose's. Get that fucking original Joe's. Then on February 22nd, Viva Las Vegas. I'm in motherfuck. fucking,

Treasure Island. Treasure Mother fucking Island with my girl Kate Quigley. And then we go over to the Fox Tucson Theater. The Fox Theater in Tucson with my girl Kate Quigley. Tempe, Phoenix.

I'm not coming there this year. So if you want to see your uncle, you got to come to fucking Tucson and eat some tacos with me, all right? So I either see it. The Fox Theater in Tucson, Treasure Island in Las Vegas or the San Jose Improv.

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Thank you for listening to the church of what's happening now. See you Wednesday or Thursday. Don't sweat nothing. That's it. I'll see you motherfucker soon. Thank you for listening. Have a great day. I love you.

I can talk to you forever, Joe. Seriously. No, I know. Trust me. I was in at the clock.