The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #659 - Tom Rhodes

Episode Date: February 19, 2019

Tom Rhodes, a touring comedian for more than 30 years and the host of the "Tom Rhodes Radio," podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. Tom's new album that he recorded in more than 25 cities around the world is available on iTunes and Amazon as of February 19, 2019.  This podcast is brought to you by: Robinhood App - an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETF's, options and cryptos - all commission free. Go to church.robinhood.com to get a free stock like Apple, Ford or Sprint. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 02/18/2018.  

Greetings from Podcastville. It's Monday, February 18th, Motherfucking President's Day. The podcast is brought to you by Robin Hood. Robin Hood is an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFs, options, and cryptos, all commission free. Plus, there's no account minimum deposit needed to get started so you can start investing at any level. With Robin Hood, you can learn how to invest in the market

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That's what we're doing today. Tuesday to 19. Sign up at church.robinhood.com. Again, church.robinhood.com. I also want to thank On it, Listen, when it comes to supplements, there's no one better. From the alpha brain to the Shroom Tech, to the Shroom Tech immune, to the Shroom Tech sport. I've already been on them this weekend with the two fucking planes.

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Forget about it. You better watch all the whole long time. Oh, kill you like dynamite. Oh, do this motherfucker. Delivering the goods. Tuesday, February 19th. By the time you get this, hope you had a great fucking weekend. Tom Rhodes and the motherfuck.

fucking house. Joey. The Christ killer is in the motherfucking house and his father is in the motherfucking house. How's that? The Christ killer's father is. Christ killer senior. Christ killer senior.

What's happening in time? What's up, Joey? It's odd that we get President's day off, but we don't get the day off when we vote for president. Can you believe that shit? What kind of bullshit is that? In fact, the system's rigged. The system was rigged.

Listen, first of all, anybody who knows history knows we used to get two Mondays off in a row. We used to get the Monday. Last Monday was Abe Lincoln birthday. And this Monday is George Washington's birthday. So years ago, 20 years ago, we got that. They took away Lincoln's birthday, and then they gave this Martin Luther King, which was smart. That means you get a day off on the 20th.

I ain't mad of them. On the 20th of January after Christmas slows, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes you go right from Christmas right to work, so at least they carried by you. So we lost a day. I don't know if you remember this. We used to get two days off in a row. For years.

We got two Mondays off in a row. Then they combine them to become President's Day. So just a little history on President's Day for your motherfuckers not in a know. Dropping some knowledge. Always on a Monday morning, you got to do something with your fucking self. You know what I'm saying? I got to, we're going to do a hit of acid. I brought some fucking acid back.

For today. Sure. Why not? It's President's Day. You're not going to see Ait Lincoln. Fuck it. You ain't going to see any. In honor of Aaron Burr.

Yeah. Rolling around in a park in North Hollywood. for the rest of the afternoon. Oh, and Benjamin repeat. I played in Basel, Switzerland, where LSD was invented. Are you serious? Yeah, and it's on that new album.

I mentioned this on that track that, you know, what a magic day that must have been. So Albert Hoffman, 1943, World War II is raging, and he was experimenting with this shit, and he took a little accidentally, and he was riding his bicycle home when it hit him,

and he just, like, rolled around, in a field for a couple hours laughing and shit and then he went home the story of like when the LSD was invented is amazing so he goes home and one of his town that says welcome to Baselhoff when LSD was invented

they're on the hush-hush about that but all these like pharmaceutical corporations are based there so they're making all kinds of shit there but a good place to live Basil Switzerland is a really nice place actually but like his neighbor came over, Albert Hoffman, and he thought he was like a witch or something.

I haven't read the story in a long time, but it's pretty amazing. And I, the first time I did acid was in an apartment complex in Jacksonville, Florida, with some people I didn't know. It was less enjoyable. How much time did you do acid? I was never a big acid fan. I was against it because the first time I did it, it was terrible. And then for years, I was never, you know, a chemical guy.

guy. But after my sitcom and I had a ton of big pile of cash, I looked at that money as my NBC artist grant. And I moved to New York City and I got a rock star apartment in the Wall Street area. And nobody lived down in the Wall Street area at that time. And there was this acid head comic from Baltimore. I'll save his name. And he told me, he goes, I know you're not into this, but I got some pure LSD dropped onto sugar cubes. That's what I used to do here. And he said, he goes, I know you're not into this, but trust me, I'm going to give you 10 of these. And I want you to try to just drop it into a tea in a cup and then drink the tea and then, you know, you'll be off.

So I would do like half of it at the beginning, the first like five. I would only chop like half of them up and do it. And nobody lived in the Wall Street area. So I would do this. And I would put on, I had rollerblades. And I would rollerblade around the Wall Street area. Now it's like, you know, a fortress down there since September 11th. But it used to be like one taxi cab every few hours.

You know, there was nobody down there. And, you know, it was really fun to. You didn't experiment with us at a young age at all? No, no, no. It's crazy because I watched HBO sports last week. And I wasn't aware of this that the numbers for football players are down. What do you mean?

Football across the country is down. The viewership? No, the people getting kids getting involved with football because of TCE. And they interviewed a lady in mass. And she put her son in when he was six. Can't do long division. I had a double concussion.

And then he went back to play football and at the age of Teddy hung himself. Oh, fuck. And they took the brain and he had CET already. So that got out. So the numbers, if you watch the Super Bowl, you saw that they have two commercials, and they're including girls now in football.

It was really weird that I saw that, and the next night I watched this, and where I'm getting at is, like, I thought about my friends that I grew up with, and a lot of them played, you know, my high school was based on football. Like New Jersey, like Texas. Yeah.

My high school was based on football. Everything ran around the football. program. They took you when you were six and they pretty much taught you the plays you were going to learn in high school at that age. So you already knew them. By the time you played the Peewees A and B, you know, when I look at, my friends put all pictures up of football and I see, Jesus Christ, like when I go home, these two guys have known themselves since they were six. Like I hang out with people that know themselves since they're six. Sometimes I do shows and people come together and they'll be talking about pee we football my point is I called one of my

I spoke to one of my friends that his father was a football coach and he passed away right before my mom we were talking about football and we compared it to acid because those guys played football and I said to out of all the friends we had how many of them killed themselves we thought about it how many of this went you know we also grew up in the 80s when cocaine I mean we got right so we went from doing acid and jumped right into the cocaine boat but regardless of that i remember selling acid so i was doing it every night like i was doing micrododacid every night for a run after my mother died that was how i got that pain away it was by doing acid and i sit back now and i think about if it gives you PTSD or something like if acid

affected you like getting hit in the head as a kid what do you think i don't i don't I did it before I became a man in my growth. So I'm still waiting for the fucking. You know, when I was younger, I was afraid of hard drugs. And then it wasn't until that period, 1998, 1999, when I was living in New York. And then that's when I started doing cocaine. And I was partying so much when I lived in New York City. I actually moved to Amsterdam to bring it down a notch.

You know what I'm saying? Because I was pretty hell-bent, you know? Mitch Hedberg was one of my best friends at that time. He was living at the Chelsea Hotel, and we were just partying like crazy. And then I started playing in Europe, and I met this Dutch woman and fell in love, and I moved there.

And it's funny that it's true. I actually moved to Amsterdam to fucking tone it down. That's how hard I was partying in New York. Well, New York has so many different fucking things available to you. Yeah. And it's hoping. You know, where can you get a haircut at four in the morning? Yeah.

In New York City, we were just talking about this. This is sweet. We live here in California. And Lee, 11 o'clock. Sleepy, factory town. Everything's close. Drive on Magnolia from here to flappers at 10 o'clock. You could count the people on one fucking hand.

Yeah. If that, if you see somebody. Burbank shuts down at 8 o'clock. I've done 100 on Magnolia. When I lost my wallet, as I was getting in a car I got home over here when we lived up the block I got in front of the house

and I realized my wallet was gone I was leaving the next morning I got in that car into the 100 down Magnolia to flappers I made the right and right where I parked you could see the wallet right in the street nobody had even

it was just sitting there there's no action at all and then you go to New York and you fall asleep at 8 o'clock and you wake up at midnight and the world's available to you. Right. The worlds of it. You know, midnight at New York is nothing.

It really is nothing. You know, you do a midnight show somewhere and throws people off. In New York, they go out at midnight to watch a show. I went to 2 a.m. comedy show. Yeah. Who do fuck girls want to see comedy at 2 in the morning? New York does. Me too. When I was an open mic, I

saw it before. There was a place that did an open mic until 4. Jeez. And there were 100 people on the list. Starting at what time? 11. Oh, my God. And people be coming in, getting hand jobs.

You know, New York is a walk. But I went back a couple years ago, and I stayed in the city, and I couldn't sleep. It was one of those nights when I could not fall asleep when I went for a walk. It's not like that no more. It's calmed down a little bit. Yeah. That crazy lifestyle of the 80, 90, it's calm down. Those people get up and go to work in the morning.

They go out, but they're home by 10 o'clock, 10.30. They drink a beer or two, two glasses of wine, and they go home. It's not like, when I was growing up in New York, at three in the morning, once the bar closed, what do you want to do? Let's go into the city. And we would go into the city, into the shittiest part, by a gram of blow, go to a fucking bodega, and they'd brown bag the beers, and we'd smoke Coke on the street and fucking drink beers out of a brown bag like nothing. Not even a cop would stop.

I remember David Tell used to take me to this bar. It was called Siberia, and it was in the subway entrance. I think it was right off of Broadway, like on 54th, 50 seconds. He knew all those fucking places. Jesus Christ, this place was so, it was like standing room only and only like eight people could fit in this bar. It was like you go down the subway steps. And like, and then the first level, and then you get another step. And it was just like, I don't know what the hell it used to be.

And it's not there anymore. No. But it was like CDB. Russians in there and you know some it was always narcotics available and you know it was a really really great like quintessential New York hole I can't even get into like there was probably four bars I went to before 1985 that were just narcotic bars the one gay bar I used to go to was just a drug place it was just a drug haven and when you'd walk in the door you'd see shit you'd never see you know you pay a little extra to go in for that that's

when clubs were still you know ten bucks to get in these places are like 25 you're like ouch because you could put your grandma coke on the table and nobody's gonna come and take it nobody's gonna come to a line everybody minds their own business and it was amazing to watch the fucking 80s and 90s in new york yeah and to see how freely cocaine flowed how easily people were just doing lines on bar tops yeah there was a bar in the wall street area that was open all night and there'd be these wall street guys in there and they're doing coke and drinking all night and they're in their suits and like they wouldn't even go home they just like you know sit there and sniff and drink until you know it was time to go back in

we've a little different it seems like i mean there's dispensaries everywhere but it seems like people mostly smoke at home and then they'll go out high but I don't really occasionally you'll see someone smoking on the street but not really on the street on the girl you should go to you should go to more comedy clubs in Los Angeles this smell of weed is permeating everywhere I guess yeah I'm just used to that that seems normal to me now I worked San Jose this weekend how is that I've never been it's a great club it's a theater great city fucking comedy is booming that because Gabriel sold 16,000 seats on Sunday you know but that whole area

comedy driven like that whole area comedy comedy comedy comedy is to a new high i am fucking really impressed with comedy any club if there's 400 clubs in the country 3652 of them are sold out on saturday nights no matter who's there wow that's the need for comedy right now in these times that's how much people need to get away the entertain and even that's what all the entertainment value you have at home because you can watch fucking murderers row on Netflix you can watch a thousand things on Netflix Hulu but that just lets you know how many people are going on on Saturday nights or when I was in Braya a couple weeks ago was it Braya yeah all those clubs are sold out Brea Ontario and they're getting

bigger added shows in Irvine you know it's like comedies of an all-time eye which tells you people need to laugh more shows you how fucked up the world is right now shows you how fucked up the world is right now you know you can't watch the news anymore. The news is just a horrible. You just want to get into a bad mood. You sit there looking at this and you know it's all bullshit. They show you the same fucking report

three days in a fucking row. I avoid it. I haven't watched the news. You have to watch some sort of news to see what's going on in your community. But if it brings you down, you're like enough with this shit already. Like I always try to be home at 3.30 to watch World News tonight. I watch the first 15

minutes. And lately it's been cutting down to the first eight the first seven, the first six minutes. That's it. It's the same shit every fucking day. I read the news every morning when I wake up. What do you read? The Washington Post is my homepage, and then I always look at the Guardian.

Okay. Which is kind of left-leaning British newspaper, which is great. And the BBC. I like the BBC. Do you miss the newspaper coming to your door? Yeah, man. There's nothing like folding a newspaper and, you know, getting pictures. pissed off and smacking it against your leg and uh yeah and i i still i love newspapers you know it's

um you know new york times wall street journal wall street journal is a conservative paper but it's one of the best written papers there are great articles in there you know they always said that if you read the new york times for four years you would get more from reading the new york times every day for four years than the college education you would learn more more if you read the New York Times. Now it's like a fucking, you know, a piece of paper if somebody fucking tickled your asshole 30 years ago.

It's all they live for, the New York Times is to wrap people out now. That's it. That's it. To wrap people out. They don't even care about Trump, none. Every week they're ratting somebody else out. Last week it was fucking Kate Quigley's old boyfriend, that fucking wizard. Who? The magician. Ryan, whatever his name is?

Adams. Ryan Adams. He's been 16-year-old girls. Oh, the musician. I thought he said, magician yeah and i love right he's like a wizard or something like that in real life he's like a i love ryan adams and i read that and i was like fuck now i i don't feel uh the urge to listen to his music yeah mandy moors um he's like i marrin today rat in the mountain oh no shit oh fuck yeah oh no shit oh yeah that's it's over manny moore was married to him he wears a cape he makes you go into a room naked and women go for this shit again that's why you got to be

a father to your daughters so they don't date fucking magicians and shit and fucking go into a dark cave you know he made Kate go into a cave naked and she went for it jesus christ Kate i can sell you a fucking bridge somebody telling me they're a wizard you bet i met a girl one night i was all horned up in some fucking town i think it was uh you meet these people on the road and you can't believe it when you walk out of a girl's apartment that you want to fuck and you know she's your three quarters there with Comedy is the only thing that, like, you get to know who's going to stroke you. From being on the road all those years, you just learn.

Like, you just learn. That's it. You just learn. You just know how to read people. And in some crazy triple run, I went home with some chick. And we were having a good time snorting coke. She was showing me a titties. She had the bikini on.

We were going deep into the murky waters. And then she started talking about witchcraft. And she wanted me to look in her drawer. She had all these spells for love. the voodoo man told that she was gonna meet me and I'm like can I go out to the car and get something I took a rock of her coke and I fucking never came back I'm gonna snore coke with some fucking witch a white witch that's a fucking a fucking trust fund bitch I swear to God like I just walked out it took a rock of coke she didn't even see me take it out of the bag how many times did you do that

you have like eight stores if you just leave you have to leave you cannot top There's a point in a conversation, even when you're doing Coke where I just get freaked out. Yeah, but say goodbye. Like, hey, I got to go out. No, no, no. You can't say goodbye because then they're going to give you any of beating on while you're leaving until I scare you. I'm going to put a spell on you. I don't want to hear another shit.

I haven't done Coke forever, man. Those bullshit conversations. Oh, my God. Like, we're going to get up at seven and we're going to go kayaking. And then everybody's like, yeah, that's a great idea. Everybody's talking so much shit. And then you get in the call. Then we're going to go to my grandmother's house and paint it.

Yeah. I'm all coked up in you. Dog, I remember getting on planes. Getting so coaked up and having a conversation and going, fuck it, let's go to Miami right now. You ever do that one? On coke, just get on the planes. I have been on, I've been on airplanes on almost every substance,

and the best way to fly is sober. Yeah, I agree. Me too. I mean, all those years ago when I was like partying all night, and you just go straight to the air. Oh, fuck, that's the worst. That's the worst. Or even drinking on a plane.

Like I took a Viking on a plane about two years ago. Horrible. Horrible fucking idea. Edibles on a plane on a six-hour flight are not bad. If the edible doesn't take you to a certain level. I think it's different in first class than it isn't coach. No, it's the same everywhere. If you're in coach, you know, and you eat an edible or you're a coach, yeah, you get creeped out by the person in this year.

Like when we flew the San Jose, the. the Indian woman of Indian women sat next to Diagostino. Out of all the fucking rows, she sat, she comes up to me, say, she comes up to me, and she said, she was losing her hair. She looked like a fucking bomb hit her. And she's asleep with the Agostino's in the middle. And I kept reaching, make him believe I was reaching.

I kept believe I was reaching for a tent. And Diagistino was in the middle, just fucking howling. We were fucking howling. If you fly with somebody, I suggest you take edibles. Like we took edibles to New York. Yeah, we took edibles a bunch of times.

And get on a plane. You just can't get too fucked up. Like Ari said one time the door is locked and he was ready to get off the plane. But he knew he would get arrested. Or on edibles. On edibles. It just creeped up on him when they closed the door. The thing that you do that I don't like is, like, I would get to his house at 4 in the morning.

And we take the edible then. But then, like that, well, the one time I didn't like it was when we got on the, on the bus to the plane. And since we took the edible two hours ago, I'm on a bus standing. It was like a family of jokes. That's when you go to Austin. Whenever you go to Austin or some of those cities

out of L-A-X American, you go to Gate 50. If you ever have like 55 AMB, good night. That means you got to go downstairs and take that bus to a different airport all the way out in the middle of L-A-X and they sell. They have two stands in there.

You get stuck in there. It's a fucking nightmare. That's where you flow. When you go into, I think it's two cities I've gone to Oklahoma and Austin. You have to go out of gate, whatever, and they put you on a bus. Which is after you've flown, now you've got to get on a little bus to go back to that. You never did that one that route? No, I've stuck with Delta for years.

I saw it. No, I was. And I, you know, we'll, I'm not happy with them. With Delta either? Well, so, you know, I'm getting divorced. Do you know that? We haven't mentioned that on this episode yet. Hey, I'm getting divorced, everybody.

Regledge. Yeah, there's nothing like the person who knows you better than anyone else in the world saying, yeah, I've had enough, thanks. I'll get off at the next stop. But one of the reasons, as you know, that's the thing that kills every relationship for a comedian is the constant travel. So, you know, I got this new album and it's recorded in 25 different cities around the world. And this was a big project I've been working on for two years. And so I've had all this international travel.

Two years in a row, I have been Diamond level on Delta. That's as high as you can go. So it's, you have to fly 125,000 miles to reach Diamond. Which, you know what, it is not easy to fly 125,000. That's sitting in the fucking seat. A hundred and twenty-five thousand miles. It is really hard. I did it two years in a row.

And it's nice when you get to the diamond level. And as a comedian who, you know, you work your ass off, it's nice to have that little perk. You know, you get to board with first class. You get to use the sky lounge when you fly. So they changed the rules last year for 2018 on top of flying 125,000. miles you had to spend $15,000 with the airline so last year I flew 155,000 619 miles on Delta I went everywhere I did like four trips to to Europe I went to Israel I did like two trips to Asia I flew to fucking Mongolia and I spent 13,000 dollars

with the airline. So I was just downgraded to platinum. Hey, fuck you, Delta. And I'm sitting there, and you got to watch the screen with Ed Bastion, the president of Delta Airlines, sitting there.

We really appreciate the loyalty of our customers and all this shit. And it's like, man, it's difficult. You know, I mean, it, I wouldn't say that it, you know, it ended my marriage, but, you know, me traveling was a big factor in,

the relationship ending. And then I think Delta kind of fucked me on the downgrade. I mean, it's difficult to fly 125,000 miles, period. And then you got to spend $15,000 miles. When I look at flying, I'm going in there knowing I'm getting fucked. I play the game and I don't get stressed out about it because there's nothing else you could do unless I'm going to get a horse in a fucking buggy. Yeah.

Unless I'm going to get in a horse in the buggy and travel or drive to New York and drive back, it's the mafia. There's nothing you could do. I had a friend that lived in Newark and would come out here with train with Eddie Bravo constantly. And he said one day, United changed the rules on him and he had to stop because he was getting upgrades and this and that, but then it's about the money. Yeah. They didn't do about miles no more.

It's a certain amount of fucking money. I'm like, I fly with American all the time. Am I crazy about him? No. No, I'm not. But what are my choices? When I get a date, the first thing I do is go to three different screens. You know, I know from doing comedy for 20 years, you know who flies where.

You already know, or you travelosity and it tells you direct flights or whatever, and then you go and attack. I go to American first, I go to Delta. United's my third. If I'm going east coast, it's JetBlue. If I'm going coast to coast, I go JetBlue. blue whether Boston, Florida, or New York, there's no other airline I fly with. Throughout the country, it's basically about money and time. I'll pay extra if you get me out of that five in the fucking morning.

I learned that from you. Take the early flight out, early flight in. Early flight out or they fly it fly in so you don't get caught in the rain of confusion. Look at Thursday. Thursday, it rained here like you thought the devil landed. You thought the devil landed at one time. So they canceled my 11 o'clock, and they canceled the 12 o'clock to San Jose. Thank God they got one every hour on the fucking hour.

But here's the beauty of it. I knew I was going to get canceled. You know why? Because my flight was at 12 on Thursday. I didn't check in Wednesday night until 10. You know what number I was? Two. I was A2 on Southwest, Business Select, because they upgrade you automatically.

I'm like 18, whatever, on Southwest. I love Southwest. By the way, Southwest starting June, Burbank to Nashville like a motherfucker. Oh, that means I fucking save thousands by fucking, my wife and my daughter going to Nashville. Direct? Direct. Wow. And my wife doesn't have to drive an hour down with the baby.

That means the baby doesn't get car sick. We save on the car sickness. Perfect. Perfect. Burbank direct. Beautiful. Burbank's opening up more fucking routes. You don't know how hard that dick makes me.

I love it. flying in and out of Burbank is the way to go. I got to find a new place to live. Maybe I'll live over in Burbank or Glendale or something. Where are you living now? West Hollywood. So I fly out of LAX. When do you have?

And hey, but while it's still in my mind, you know what these airlines are doing? And Delta is spearheading it is. And you're right, it is all about money. Now they're doing tiered economy. So there's different levels of the economy for, you know, every, anything you have to pay for. Oh, yeah. You know, window, fucking everything.

It's like, how fucking greedy can these people be? If not, you're sitting in the back with the fucking guys that are getting transported for murder and 12 kids in fucking Texas. You're next to a guy that shackled. They put you in the back. Well, didn't they make billions off of baggage fees? Wasn't that? Yeah. And that was because the fuel costs went up after September 11th.

And then they said, yeah, as a temporary measure, we're going to charge for bags. And then, of course, you knew that it was never going to go away. Right. But that was just like a, you know, they're laughing all the way to the bank. They're letting, no. It's a scam. It's a sad, you know, when I got on a plane, when I look at plane prices, again, I don't think about me. I think about the family of four.

Right. I think about the family of four. To go anywhere. Jesus. These plane tickets are a nickel apiece, and that's base. That's base. You know what I'm saying? Unless, like right now, you flew into town.

a good part of the year from Florida. Like it's good. Would you pay $3.40? Yeah. And that's a fucking sale of a lifetime. No worries. You know. It's like I kept, yeah, blue like a motherfucker.

It's like I kept saying, when I saw it pre-PSA, I go, it's not going to stop there. It's not going to stop there. What do you mean, the pre-check? Like the, all the different, now they got clear. Yeah. So now they're going to keep going up and everything costs. They realize there's a market for, you know.

If not, you know, You gotta stand on line for two fucking hours. If you don't get the express check through, I don't want to wait. After I did six shows at a fucking town and slept five hours a night and talked to 3,000 people, guess what? Sunday, I don't have time to fuck around.

I just want to get through that fucking airport and get the fuck home. That's all I'm thinking about. Once they put a check in my hand on Saturday night, that's all I'm fucking thinking about. But I've already, you've got to pick your battles. That's what I'm about to say. You got to pick your battles when you travel.

And that's one of the battles I've accepted. I look at the plane ticket. I look at the prices. I try to save a little bit. My wife came to me the other day and she goes, I was going to take a flight to Nashville. My wife wanted to go back in June. The tickets are fucking $549 base. Yeah, it's all gone up. You know what first class is to Nashville guys? $1,900. Well, I get upgraded to Nashville on American. I won't get upgraded to Chicago. New York, you learn all the scams. Yeah.

Kennedy, you'll never get upgraded to it. That's silver and platinum people. That's diamond people. You're dead. But Nashville, Oklahoma, on America, and I get upgraded. All those places I get upgraded. Well, I used to spread it around, you know, and I used to always, like, try and get the cheapest ticket.

And then about five or six years ago, I decided I'm only going to fly with Delta. I'll pay the extra 50, extra 100 bucks, 150 bucks, just so I can build up the miles and then get as high as I can on the on the status thing so that's why it's um you know for for for years I've been paying the extra money just so I could be loyal to to Delta and you know what did it get me no it doesn't get you anything anymore no and once they went to the money thing I knew it like I'm fucking I only take you know 18 19 flights a year I don't travel my ass off like you do yeah and I look at every flight.

When I get a call, I look at every flight first before I agree to a gig. Make sure somebody's got an early flight out of there. Make sure some motherfucker's got an early flight. Yeah. Well, I'm actually, and that's kind of changed my whole. I'm dialing the travel back this year. I'm only going to do a couple of international trips. I'm going to focus on L.A.

It's like, you know, just traveling constantly, you know, It's an endless fucking loop. Back to your divorce. Yeah, sure. How long were you with her for? Ten years. Ten years. Yeah.

I remember when I first met her with you, and she was very gung-ho about the comedy. Yeah. Oh, she loved it. She used to go with me to, she used to travel with me everywhere. She used to go to shows with me every night. She became like your co-sudo manager. Yeah.

It helped me with everything. I went to your house. She worked the producer of the podcast. Yeah, she edited it. Exactly. It's rough on a woman to be married to a comic. If you survey most comics, they've been divorced since they're, you know. I went through two women in the beginning of my comedy career that they could not handle the lifestyle.

It's too, but when you love something, the way we love something, they're always number two. Yeah. For you to be successful at comedy, they're... have to be number two and it's a tough yeah and it's it's it's it's I've I have put comedy above everything in my life and I would have to say that comedy is the love of my life it's the love you because I I I yeah I made comedy the priority over her over everything I've ever done in my life and I mean I don't regret it I fucking love comedy from 93 to 2006

comedy had priority over everything 2007 was when I started loosening up a little bit I dated this poor girl I'm married to for six years before I met her parents why waste anybody's time right let's make sure I'm sick and tired of meeting parents you know what I'm sick and tired of meeting parents I did it the right way with this one with Terry my wife now I did it the right way because I had blown not marriages the marriage was me starting comedy and that's not getting along that was a complete different story i tormented my ex-wife in different ways my my wife just couldn't take the day-to-day hand-mouth type lifestyle i was living with the drugs the i'm talking about two relationships i had one

relationship but i really liked her and she really liked me and we got along she liked the comedy but then she moved to new york i moved to new york you know She was into going out and meeting her friends after work to happy hour. And I got an open mic at seven. You know, I'm driving a limo to pay child support and to make ends meet. And you want to meet your friends to drink water and giggle like that. Because that's when friends was around. So everybody started hanging out like friends now, six of the group.

So she was just out of Kansas. And I saw what it did to her. They can't. They can't deal with it. You know, they can't. You were supposed to be an hour ago. I'm waiting online. Oh, I mean, even when you live with,

Even when you live with a comedian, it's a long-distance relationship. It's a long-distance relationship. You know, and like we were talking about before we went on air, you know, I got to be on the road a couple weeks a month just to, you know, pay the rent and keep the lights on. But then when I'm home, I'm doing sets at the comedy store and the improv every night. So it's like, you know, even when I'm home, I'm not really home. You know? And you don't, you can't really plan it.

Like, how often do you get gigs, like, for that night or the next day or, like, whatever. You don't have a life. You do not have a life. From 93 to 2006, I did not have a life. I didn't give a fuck about Christmas. I didn't give a fuck about nothing. That was the only mental state you could have to get somewhere in comedy. 96, 97.

I didn't watch fucking television. From 93 to 99, I didn't know what a television show was. Because what kind of comic watches television. If you watch television, you're not a comic. Yeah. You're watching TV shows at night. You're not really a comic. I don't know what you're talking about.

You got to be out of seven nights a week grinded. I didn't even know what a baseball game was. I didn't give a fuck about who was in the Super Bowl. Nothing. That's the state of mind. I'll see these. That's the state of mind. Some young comics in L.A.

And their sets will be about like television shows. And did you see this reality show? And I have no idea. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't even want my mind to go there. I don't even know what you're talking about. You know, there was a time where I was just a fucking monster. And then I moved here with a girl.

And she had a big family. And every fucking two months, they thought like, oh, yeah, we'll come out for a week. That's great. We planned a dinner. I'm not going to that fucking dinner because I got a spot at 9.30. I'm trying to make a living. You know, that was hard to live with. That's how tough.

And once a woman realizes she's number two, you're fucking done. And then let's say you do get married to this woman. And you have a child. And now you really have to go on the road. how much time you're going to be home if you've got to go on the road three weeks a month to keep the lights on you got a kid so now you're calling your wife

from fucking Mazatlan with Tom Rose going ah in the back going I'm in Mazelan we're having a great time I bumped into the flying Jew and she's with a kid crying in the background

how long does that last in the beginning it's great date in the comic he's so much fun oh my God we giggle we walk through the comedy store like Goodfellers we walk around the back

oh my God It's so much fun. He knows everybody. Give it a fucking year. You're sitting there by yourself on New Year's Eve because we're in Boko-Ritone. Because I don't want to bring nobody with me on the road. Yeah. That was the mistake I made with the first two that I did not even go into it, Terry.

That was not an option. I took around one date to fucking, what's that hellhole in Arizona with White Trail? Like Haversu. Like Haversu. Where you go on the water and you get. Chlamydia. Who gets Camydia at a fucking lake? You get foot fungus at fucking Lake Havis.

So it's the filthiest fucking people you ever met your life. I took her there one time on a gig because she was going to, she wanted to drive. I was going to rent the car and she goes, I'll drive. But that was it. I cut her off and going to gigs. I mean, I think that's why my relationship with my life, my wife lasted so long was because she did travel with me. You know, she was a photographer and it was great.

I, you know, we'd go to travel in the world, you know, I used to, when I didn't live anywhere, like three months, three, four months a year I'd do in Europe, do a month in Asia, a month in Australia, and she used to travel with me everywhere. When we first started getting serious when we were dating, I told her, I said, if you want to be with me, you got to reduce your life to one checked bag and two carry-ons. And she did it, and it was great. And then a year ago, she decided she didn't want to travel anymore. And then that was the beginning of the end.

you miss her i do yeah i love her and it was not my choice at least you have no hatred in your heart you look good thanks yeah it's i don't and there's no bad feelings she doesn't have any bad feelings it wasn't like some catastrophe happened it was just like um you know her decision that things would be better if we were apart so these are one of the things in life this is part of being a fucking grown-up probably it's interesting man that's it's great that you say that

because Penny Marshall died, I think, in December, and I was reading her obituary. I think it was in the New York Times. And there was a quote, they quoted the opening paragraph of her autobiography. And I don't remember it exactly, but it said something like this. Her opening paragraph of her autobiography said, I've been divorced twice, I battled cancer, I had cancer, and I had a child commit suicide. Something like that.

And she said, nothing extraordinary has ever happened to me in my life. It's just normal things that happen to a human being. So you're absolutely right. Like divorce, people you love dying,

just things happen in life as you get older that you just fucking have to weather and move on. You know, somebody hit me up last night and said, are you having a hard day over Ralphie Mae?

You're right over there? Wait? I thought you were snoring. What is he snoring? I don't know. I heard snoring this shit. Yesterday was Ralphie Mae's birthday. Oh.

Most people would be crying and having a bad day. I thought about him. He inspired me yesterday. You know, like I just thought about him for five minutes. I go, what a fucking shame. In fact, I got to call the Smash Brothers today because I'm chipping in the money to get him a headstone. Nobody got the fucking kid a headstone.

Wow. I just found this out on Thursday. Wow. That was fucking nuclear. I went fucking ballistic. I called R.E. So we're going to get a headstone. Where's he buried?

He's buried in Oklahoma. And thank God for the Smash Brothers, Corey and Chad. I want to thank them for bringing it to my attention. You know, meanwhile, people are out collecting money to make fucking his last video and selling his memorabilia. But nobody had the fucking decency to buy. that fucking kid a headstone you know well so that's what I was sick about yesterday to be honest for everybody but besides that what we talking about I'm sorry I if you were upset because it was his birth yeah I wasn't really upset he inspired me you know most

Americans it's how you look at things I could have called Lee could have called me yes and say what's up and I could have yelled at Lee and said don't you know I'm having a fucking bad day my best friend died to you you know this is just a part of growing up this is just part of the fucking every day you're a fireman you ever see a fireman's hat i have an imaginary fireman's hat on at all times and so do guys like you and if you plan on having a comedy or having life and and and moving on with your life you have to have a fireman's cap the fireman's cap is so things hit it and bounce off and they don't hit you in the back have you seen that low cut in the back of yeah the big flap on the that's what life is look at your life go put up go look at

yourself in the mirror and put a fireman's hat on and get ready get ready be prepared shit does go down people do get cancer people do die cats do die you know kids are born without a fucking eyeball you know these are the things and we all live and we we learn how to live with them and we move the fuck on it's so weird you get used it gets easier the more happens you know I look at these one of the greatest lessons I ever learned one of the toughest things I ever ever ever saw my life that just took me to the next level as a man was when Eric Clapton's kid fell out the fucking window in New York and he went to some MTV awards and dedicated a song to him and sang it and kept it together I'm not even I don't even know fucking Eric Clapton and I can't

keep it together knowing that your little kid fell out of a fucking window in New York he went out and wrote that if I saw you if I saw oh my God and he didn't shed a tear he didn't break down, they shook his hand, he hugged people, and I'm like, that's a lesson that, you know, shit happens, and what is Eric Clapton going to do? Going to an apartment and write and do heroin? No, he went and tackled it fucking on. What's that fucking white dude that showed his dick to America, and everybody got mad at him that one that he won four, or 15 Super Bowls?

That motherfucker, they told him at halftime, his father died, and he drew four touchdowns. You know, I want that guy. That's the motherfucker. I want to hang out with. His father died and he went. That's the best day of his life. Look at his fucking numbers. They told his dad right before the game.

We're sorry to tell you. The father died. They couldn't even wait. That fucking white savage that he is. You see that guy. You just suck his dick. If I was here, I'd send you pictures of my dick to it, you accept him.

You understand me? You don't say a word. I do four touchdowns in the day my father died. On Monday night football or something. He passed for 400 yards and four touches. you said he showed his dick to America? What was that? He texted a worker for the Jets when he was... He was the original Louis C.K. He was the original Louis C.K.

He would just send out pictures of his dick. I'd do four touchdowns to that, bitch. If I was Tom Brady and I had six rings, everybody would see what my dick was like. I'd have a picture of my dick with a ring on it going on. How are you like that? I'd make a picture of my dick and show that the Copernicic. Whatever his fucking name is. Keep kneeling, bitch. Look at me. I got six rings on this white dick.

I got more metal than dick. You know what I'm saying? You can't, and if we put all those rings on his dick, you have no dick. You'd have no dick. You'd have no dick. It's like a high school graduation photo. It's like everybody puts their rings together. Like I said, that's why Jeff Bezos,

richest man in the world showing his dick. Could you imagine $70 billion he has to get payback now? Bezos. I'm pretty sure. Isn't that the number? Number, 70 million? Something, yeah. Yeah, he's got to buy 140.

He's got to split it with his. And then it was the wife's brother, or the mistress's brother who sent it the text. I got a, that's a weird love for pussy. 70 million for a piece of pussy. That's expensive. That means I'm killing that bitch at one point or else. That means I could just dispose of the body. She belongs to me.

$70 million. You're going to pay. Yeah. $7 billion. Billion. Billion. Billion. I'm going to run to the little comedians room.

Go ahead. Go knock yourself out. This is a fucking, like, I got a choice. You know what I'm saying? That's what happens when you're 50. That little bladder turns into a little girly bladder and shit. And you got to pee every hour on the fucking hour. How was San Jose this weekend?

San Jose was tremendous. I want to thank all the people who came out to the show, six sold-out shows. Did they open the top? Like, the really cool part? Oh, yeah. They opened everything. Everything. They had chairs out there.

Fucking San Jose came out representing strong. Thank you very much for a great weekend. you know jennica jones came they fucking brought a tremendous banana bread walnuts in it and I ate them and passed out I'm the only guy I could eat an edible

like to eat like I brought them back to the room she made two of each but she made some with these fucking walnuts on it and I was sitting there watching an old episode of fucking the sopranos eating that shit with some water at night it was tremendous yeah we've been here and you've gotten the munchies

and eating more edibles because you've gotten the munchies. Yeah, I've gotten the munchies and need more animals. The good thing about your situation is that there's no children involved. There's no... 70 billion. For me, or Jeff Bezos, yeah. Well, it's funny, you talk about splitting the money and a divorce,

and I thought, oh, that's a good time to step out. Oh, my God. Yeah, no kids, no house. All that's good. But it's great that you ask me point blank, do I miss her, you know? I mean, she was my best friend. Yeah, no, no, no. And now I don't have my best friend.

So it's kind of fucked up. It's like a weird grieving period after because I had the same thing. Listen, she was my best friend for six years. Or at least I tried to make it that. It was six bad years for her. You know, she had to go to a prison and visit somebody and stuff. I put her through a lot, you know. So I understand now at this age what she went through

and the reason why, you know, she didn't want to go into the future with me. You know, they can't count on us. Yeah. You know, one thing when I started dating, the wife I have now, is I did different things differently, you know, and if I told I'm going to do something, I do it. You know, you've got to work at marriage, especially when you're a comic. You know, I've been here for 20 years.

I've heard all about the divorce. You know, the thing I dread the most is these guys that, after 35 years are married, they got divorced. Jesus Christ. if I divorced my wife now, I couldn't function. Yeah, well, I mean, that's the tough thing. 20 years with this, my wife now? Yeah, I couldn't function.

My wife does everything. My wife did everything for me. She helped me with social media. She helped me fucking everything. I do my own work, but my wife does everything else. Like, everything is prepared for me. Everything is fine, you know. She knows I'm trying to eat better.

She cooks a little better. And my wife, you know, now that she's a mom, she's really, you know, the role. But I work hard at it. You know, there's temptations I have, not sexually or nothing, work-wise and things I like to do that I have to think about us as a family. Yeah. And go, I'm already gone six days a week.

How can I go to my wife and tell I want to go to Vegas to watch this? You know, so I work at things like that. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I know you. And you know, you always, you're very protective of your time with your family. You have to. When I wasn't, I didn't have a family. Yeah, but like what you were talking about before about like work and holidays and shit like that, which is I did a lot.

We did. We have to. A lot of thanksgivings. Yes. I would go work in Vancouver because it ain't Thanksgiving up there. And this boom, there's another check I can get. This is it. But from where I'm sitting, I think as a comedian, you can't let too many big days or holidays slip by without you being there and them sitting by themselves in your Los Angeles apartment. That's, you know, even though they say, yeah, go get that money. Yeah, that's fine. Yes. Because I asked her permission for everything. You know, hey, you mind if I go to Vancouver and work for Thanksgiving? And then, you know, it sounds great until it happens. Is she working now and stuff?

No. She's still not working? No. You know, it's weird. I fucked up so many relationships. Two of them that I really liked. And a lot of variables were involved. Don't just blame it on the comedy.

There was the Coke and the fucking. Yeah. This time I wanted to do it right, and I try to do it as right as I can to the tea. You know, we're all flesh is weak. We make mistakes, but I've really tried to, I've lived in an empty house. I know, you know, there's a line at the end of dogs by Pink Floyd. It's a brilliant line, you know, who was brought up in a house full of pain, who was taught not to spit in the fan,

who was told what to do by the man. You know, like something about coming home to an empty house, even though there's family in the house. I know what that feels like. I had it in my house before my parents split, and I had it before I got divorced. There's a feeling in your house, and that feeling, I never wanted that feeling again.

So once I had mercy, but to be honest with you, I started trying to do better when I was dating her. That's when I stopped with the Sundays on the road, little things. To have a family, you have to eat dinner with the family on Sunday. It's the Lord's Day. When I was growing up, that's all I ever wanted. And all my white friends did it.

And on Sundays at my house, it was what's called them by you. You know what the by you is? Fucking people all over the house, watching baseball. drinking beers. I didn't like that. I believe the Sunday is your family. After you eat dinner, you watch the Wild Kingdom and then Disney. Remember Disney

at 8 o'clock? What was on before that when we were growing up? The Animal Kingdom with that dude, the husky dude with the fucking voice. So Sundays at 6, 8, 7 was, come on guys, Wild King, somebody helped me. I remember. And then at 8 o'clock

was the Wonderful World of Disney on NBC. Yeah. Yeah. That was what America was built on. And all of a sudden those valleys were not the window. They started putting football on at 9 o'clock at 8 o'clock. And that chubby guy that played with tigers and shit, that was what America was about. We forgot all about that.

We threw that away. I understand the need for Americans to work on a Sunday. I worked plenty of fucking Sundays when I was single. And there's people that have families that still have to work on Sundays to support those families. But for me to make it work with her, To make her feel normal, I had to be home on Sundays. So at least, no matter what happened throughout the week,

Sundays we stared at each other and ate family as a dinner. I ate dinner as a family. That's big in my world. So that was what I first cut out. And it drove people crazy. It drove Rogan crazy. It drove everybody crazy. Comedy clubs with Tommy, I couldn't work there.

If I couldn't work Sunday, fine. Fine. I just will not. I made those little cuts for my wife. I looked at other comics that was successful and I would see that all of a sudden they would start to get divorces or get separated that's the fucking reason why

a woman gets married for one thing security not that we have to support them no women is looking for some guy to support them even though there's some dirty bitches out there every woman wants to hold her own but at the same time our schedules are so fucking you know we're horrors

What horrors? I could look you in the face and go, I'm in the whole month of March. And then March 17th, bump to you in Dallas and the connecting flight, and you go, I thought you were home, bro. Dallas called, and this club called, and this club called.

Well, whores. I had to stop being a whore. I had to stop being a whore and becoming a comedian. You know? But that's for me. That's what makes it work for me. You've always been a nomad. Since I've known you, you've always been a nomad.

That's why when you first came to me and said you were getting married, I looked at you and said, you're getting married. You're a fucking nomad. You were going to Europe when nobody else was going to Europe. You've been doing this shit for 20 years. In fact, I heard golden earring today, Twilight Zone, and I thought about your show. I've been driving on the show. And you had the fucking guy on the show. I was thinking about this morning.

You were already doing the Europe thing when these fucking idiots were still doing improps. So you've always been a nomad That's why when you said you were married I wished you luck But you're a fucking savage You're the last of the fucking savages From the 80s There's nobody else doing what you're doing anymore

Like if she had asked you To only do America And do Thursday through Saturday Like would you've been happy living like that Well you know it's funny like now After the nuclear fallout Of the breakup I think Oh okay I'll give that a try

But no, I was too hard-headed to give it up. And then also I was driven by this project of this album. But you enjoyed traveling. You said you're cutting it down next year, but you're still doing a Europe tour and Asia tour. Like, you enjoy traveling, so you wouldn't want to give it up, probably. I like it. I like having comedy friends all over the world, comedian friends. I like knowing comedians in every country.

who are great friends of mine, and I like this skill and intelligence that it takes to be able to crush in different countries. Like, you're in Ireland one week, and then you're in England the next week. It's different the audience is. And then you go to France or Holland or, you know, Japan or Mongolia.

I mean, it's different. Like Chicago is different from Atlanta and San Francisco is different than, you know, Phoenix, you know. It's in a dream. adrenaline rush that I get off on to be able to go to these different places. And then also, like, the new album, I really worked my ass off on, like, there's a lot of, you know, it's, it's, I recorded it in 25 different cities around the world. It comes out, this, this airs. Yeah, so it comes out when you're hearing this.

February 19. Yeah, the album is out now. It's called Around the World, starts in Paris, ends in Jerusalem. So, you know, there's a lot of cities like Paris and Amsterdam that I have long history with that I've got stories about and great jokes about because I've been doing the international circuits for 20 years. But then there was other places I went, like Berlin and Oslo and Stockholm and Israel, where like I made it these writing projects to write a hunk of material, you know, at least five minutes of new material on that place that I was going to. So, So in the last two years making this album, I really, you know, I'm just reading books about the shit that interests me most about these different countries and then Googling interesting facts. And I think this album is the best thing I've ever done.

Let me ask you this. It's called Around the World. And I see 40 tracks here. Now, are there going to be 40 tracks on the album? That's the, that's the tracks of the album. And Paris 1 is lasting how many minutes? I think it's like four minutes, maybe three and a half. I thought you were giving us the whole show.

No. And then putting it in one package. No. The album is three. I don't even know where half of these places are. This is like a jeopardy fucking episode for me. Porto. I don't even know what Porto.

Portugal. That's in Portugal. Oh, okay. I thought you played poros. He had to line poros in Burbank and Glendale. I don't know about it. The album is three hours long. Where's Galway?

Ireland. Belfast, Ireland, London, Berlin, Zurich. Check them for fucking Nazi information. Stockholm, Vancouver, Sydney, Bangkok, almost drowning in Thailand. You almost drowned in Thailand? Yeah, you never heard that story? No. Almost drowned in fucking Thailand.

2004. I had a, when I was doing the, after the late-night talk show in Amsterdam, the same network let me be a presenter on a travel show. So I got to do a highlight on St. Petersburg, Russia, on Peru, the Champagne region of France. And do you want to hear the story? Yeah, no, go ahead. I mean, it's on the album. So I was doing this stand-up comedy tour in Asia. I did Hong Kong and Bangkok, and I had two weeks off before I had to go to Tokyo.

So my Dutch travel show boss said that if I got certified diving while I was in Thailand, on my next assignment, he would send me to the Dutch Caribbean. And then we could film some underwater shit in the Caribbean. So I flew from Bangkok to Phuket. And I took a boat for three hours to the Pee-P islands. And I went to Co-PP. And I stayed on this French resort. And my diving instructor was this tattooed criminal scumbag from Montpellier, France. named Philippe.

And you could smell the cocaine criminal past on this fucking guy. I mean, there was a reason why he was hiding out into islands in Thailand. He had all these homemade jailhouse tattoos on his arm. He had a little rat ponytail. And he had a mustard yellow speedo that matched his mustard yellow teeth. And anybody who's ever gone diving,

you have to study a book for like a week before you're ever allowed to get into the water. I did not have to look at this book for one second. I sat with a very hungover Philippe on the morning of my first dive, and he went through the hand signals with me. This means I cannot breathe. This means I have a love of air. A love of air.

Okay, I'm underwater. Oxygen is precious. Okay, I love air. It took me three days to figure out that this means you are low of air. So my diving class was very small. It was a British couple from London. Mark and Mara, and I'm still very good friends with them because of what happens in this story. And my diving buddy, when you go diving, you're matched with a buddy for safety.

You have to constantly be checking on your buddy. Are you okay, buddy? I'm okay, buddy. Ziplining. Yeah. So I was... Zip lining went better. I had been dumped by the Dutch woman that I moved to Amsterdam for. It's a recurring theme in my life.

I've been left more times than pizza crust. So anyway, so I was freshly single and heartbroken at the time. And my diving buddy was this beautiful French woman from Bordeaux, France, named Helene. And Helene worked at the ticket counter for Air France at Bordeaux International Airport. And I fell instantly in love with her. How perfect. We met while diving in Thailand. I'm imagining my future life living in Bordeaux.

I'd get a job smashing grapes with my feet. I'd pick her up at the end of the day at Bordeaux International Airport and we'd drive our shaggy dogs out to the coast and throw tennis balls for the dogs to chase and make love in the sand dunes at the sunset. Well, Helene spoke minimal English and I speak minimal French. And Philippe also had a crush on this woman.

So his underwater flirting was outrageous. Every day he'd push me aside and take her and show her pretty plankton and whatever and I'm by myself, blah, blah, blah. So a lot of men do this. When there's a rival for their affection, he becomes the silverback gorilla. And he feels the need to loudly insult me

in front of the group every chance that he gets. So we all said what we did for a living. I said I worked on this television show. So he keeps calling me, Mr. Television, is this good enough for you, Mr. Television? You must learn se poiency, Mr. Television, you will not get your diving certificate until you learn the buoyancy.

Boiency is the perfect balance of perfect measures. When you go diving, you have an air vest, and there's two buttons. One increases the air, the other one decreases the air. Professional divers. In the tanks? On your vest. Professional divers are always perfectly horizontal. They never use their hands, except for this really cool, you just go, psht,

while amateurs flare their arms, and that's what I keep doing. and it keeps yelling at me over the buoyancy. So every day we would have lunch on these beautiful islands, on these little alcove beaches. And one day Helene was pulling her bikini bottom out of her ass crack. And I asked Mark to ask her if she was going to the movies. She says why. I say, because I saw you picking your seat.

It's a children's joke in the United States. She had never heard it before. She thinks it's the funniest joke ever. She's bent over laughing. Ha ha ha. And I look at Philippe and he's fucking eye daggers at me, man. He's so pissed off that I scored a point with this woman. So on the morning that I almost died, he was being a real dick to me.

And we're in the boat and we're driving out to our diving spot. And he's yelling at me over some stupid shit. And I said, hey, Philipp, I don't know what I did to make you dislike me, brother. But I got to be honest with you, man. You're making me feel uncomfortable. And I have to trust you down there. And he goes, oh, Mr. American, have I hurt your feelings? Maybe the Al-Qaeda has asked me to leave your body in the ocean today.

And that's what Mark stands up in the boat and goes, You are out of order, sir. And then they got into each other's faces, and then they almost fought. And it was like an hour before this explosive situation finally died down, and we all got to go diving. And in retrospect, it was Russian roulette with the bad tank. And I got the bad one. Did he give it to me on purpose?

We will never know. Because when we were driving out to the spot, it was announced that one person couldn't go diving because one of the tanks was bad. And then the Thai boat captain hit it with a shoe or something while this argument was going on. And then it was decided we could all go diving.

So just like every other day, we get down there, he pushes me aside. He takes her. He's showing her shit. I'm by myself. Blub, blah, blah. And then I start breathing in water. And your lungs don't want water.

It's day three. I know how to work the equipment. There's a button in front of your mouth. If you get water in your mouth, you hit the button and shoots out the side. It's not working. I get my spare respirator, the octopus, as they call it. It's the same thing. It's water.

Your lungs don't want water. And I look up and it's like 40, 50 feet. It's not that deep, but it's deep enough to be dangerous. And I know you can never shoot straight up to the top and diving. That's how people get really injured. So I look at Philippe and I don't know, he's like 20, 30 feet from me. and I swam to this fucking guy as quick as I could, and I actually came in a little above him,

and I had to whip him around by his ponytail to get his attention. And who would have thought I ever would have gotten to use the I cannot breathe signal? And then he really seemed to take his slow, sweet time get me that spare respirator. By the time it got to my mouth, I had held my breath for so long.

I can't even recreate the sound that came out of me. It was the sound of someone dying, and it came out of me. And I'm just taking in all this water. And I'm gasping on this fucking thing. But I can feel him moving me upwards. And I survived. Barely got to the fucking, I never thought we'd reach the surface.

And I actually thought this is the last moment of my life, watching bubbles go in front of this French fuck's face. But I survived. And I had to wait on the boat while everyone else finished their dive. And I'm sitting there. And the Thai boat captain was fishing and he caught a fish. And he pulled it up onto the boat and the fish was flopping around. And I felt so bad for that fish because that was me just a minute ago.

And then so we go back to the island and I sat on the beach and I watched the sunset. And to be honest with you, it was a very mediocre sunset. I was really hazy and overcast that day. But it was the greatest sunset I've ever seen in my life. There's nothing like almost dying to make you really appreciate living. So then Philippe walks up and then he invited me into the little village to have a beer. I know he was trying to cover his ass, but, you know, he made an effort. He showed me a picture of the wife and child he had abandoned in France.

And I told him, I said, Philipp, I want you to know, today I learned the true meaning of buoyancy. Because this morning, when you said that shit about Al Qaeda, I hated your guts and I wanted you to die. And then you saved my life, and then all is forgiven. That's the perfect balance of perfect measures. Then I go back to the resort, and Helene was sitting at the tiki bar by herself. So I went over and I tried to make small talk with her And I go, so what's the first thing you're going to do When you get back to Bordeaux?

And she goes, make love to my boyfriend. So you got dick with dick. So what's the second thing you're going to do? There is no second thing. He he's he. So be careful who you almost die for Because they might not give a fuck. They don't.

You going to go scuba diving anytime, Joey? And now you know, I almost drowned in peepee. Yeah, that's my biggest fear is drowning somewhere. I almost drowned when I was six at Coney Island. And it was a fucking scary thing. I never swam again for about a year and a half. Yeah, and I jumped back on the whole west. I actually went back the next day.

And I knew if I didn't go back the next day, I would never do it again in my life. And I had to go back one more day to get certified diving. So like my little class all got their certificate. And then the next day was these professional divers. who wanted to go look at sharks and caves. The fucking last thing in the world I wanted to do. So these lunatics, we go down to some different area

where there was these sleeping sharks and caves and they're all sticking their heads in it and shit. And I'm just like, you know, I just want to get certified so I can go to the fucking Caribbean, you know? Yeah. So I ended up getting certified. And then I got to go to Curacao and Aruba. And then we filmed.

It was actually on my birthday. I got to swim through a shipwreck off the coast of Curacao, and we had underwater cameras, and they filmed me swimming through this shipwreck. It was pretty fucking cool. You've had an interesting life. I've had an interesting life. And all brought to you by comedy.

Comedy's been the catalyst. Comedy's brought me everything. How many years now you've been doing comedy? Thank you for asking. February 4th. 35 years. Started when I was 17, and I just turned 52. Any regrets if you had to do it over again?

You know, I mean, you know, just, there's only two things I regret in my life. I wish I would have done some things differently with my wife, obviously. You know, I miss her, still love her. And, you know, I don't know if I'll ever get that close to someone ever again. but the only other thing I regret is I opened for James Brown in 1996. He's one of my all-time heroes in life, and I still play the fuck out of James Brown constantly. And I had the chance to go backstage and meet him after the concert, and I didn't meet him. Because, you know, when you're young and you're idealistic and you think all kinds of stupid crazy shit,

I thought I wanted to preserve my image of the young, virile James Brown that I had. But I had just watched his concert. And he was in his 60s. He was still great. He had a lime green jumpsuit on and he was still doing splits and shit. But I didn't want to meet him because I didn't want to tamper with, I've met so many heroes that disappointed me. And I didn't want to, that's how sacred James Brown is and was to me. I didn't want to tamper with my image of.

How did they disappoint you in which way? I mean, just like, you know, being arrogant or blowing you off. Like, I remember of being younger, meeting famous comedians. And, you know, all they cared about after the show was, you know, meeting some young women. Get away from me, kid. It's really disappointing. Takes like a day or two, at least for me to. So I didn't want to take the chance with Jane Brown to, like, ask me, maybe I'd go backstage.

And, you know, he's in his underwear, some old man. He's got his wig on a hanger. And, you know, I accidentally see through his peehole. and see some weird old guy shriveled up dick. You know, I don't know. It was stupid. But, you know, it's just a weird shit you think when you're a kid. Like, no, man, he means so much to me.

I just, you know, it was just an honor to open for him. And it was. I will have that forever. Probably, yeah. And I opened for Ray Charles once, too, in 1998. But it's stupid. That's probably one of the only wrettes that I have is that I wish I'd have met James Brown when I had the chance. I think about all my relationships in time to time.

I think about all. way back to the eighth grade. Oh, I dumped that poor girl because the mother died. I was dating. Jesus. I was dating. I was dating.

I didn't know. I played basketball. She was a cheerleader. I liked it. But we were kids. You know, we meet for pizza. We double date with another basketball player. It wasn't even like sexual.

I'd suck a tiddies behind the church, that type of shit. And one day finally. That's why churches were built. Oh, my God. She said, come over the fucking house. And I went over there. and she's like, I go, what time does your dad come home? She's like five.

I go, what time does your mom get home? She goes, my mom died. I just freaked. I just fucking freaked. I was like, you know, I didn't freak in front of her. I just kind of shocked inside and on the bus ride going, what do you have to do for your mom to die? Like, what the fuck did you do?

I couldn't even fatten it. When I started dating another girl and I broke up with it. And when my mom died, And I found that that's the first person I thought of, you know. And she's on Facebook now, and I was like reaching out and saying, hello, but I don't have the heart to. She's probably fucking. Oh, it's interesting, man. I had that, you know, my father died in 2009, and then my little sister died in 2011.

And then my uncle died last year. And it hit me. I had this epiphany last year after my uncle died. That's why young people are all so happy. Because everybody they love is still alive. You haven't had people snatched from you. I mean, you didn't know how to fucking deal with it. You're young.

You know, the concept of death even as an old person, everybody's afraid of it because nobody knows what it is. You know? How are you going to deal with a concept you can't even comprehend when you're young? The funny thing is the kid that made me when I was a kid, the kid who put me in a better position, died when we were in the eighth grade. I was playing basketball with him until about 6.30 and his mother called him for dinner.

He asked me, you're coming over. I go, no, I'm going to go home tonight. I went home. He went home. And the next day in the eighth grade, when I went to school, they said he got him to a car accident with his brother and he was in a comb and stuff like that. You were supposed to be in that car?

No, not at all. No, not at all. It's funny that I still think about him. It's weird that now looking back, we didn't know how to react to his death in the eighth grade. Yeah. But looking back, months after that, you could see our behavior changed.

Like, looking back, I've been writing about it lately, how we moved from smoking pot to once a week to every day now. And also, we were adding alcohol to the mix. And then we, uh, after he died, we just, like, on our own, went from one level to the other. another and then another kid from the neighborhood died sophomore year he drowned and that neighbor never recovered like I still see some of those kids from that neighborhood and they

never recovered me one one of them being me nobody knew how to really handle that in the eighth grade and even writing about it last week a couple weeks ago I didn't I remember going to the hospital and seeing him on the ventilator because he went into a coma first he was in a coma first and they pulled him off the ventilator and he died and him and I were like early stoners and we listened to Kiss all the time

and at that time I think I had two Kiss albums that we used to trade Kiss alive, me and him would trade it and at the fucking funeral I buried him with the Kiss albums I put him in his casket and I said I'll never listen to Kiss without you next time I'll see you will listen to Kiss

and I never really listened to Kiss recently I started a little bit never the whole albums or anything. I didn't know it affected me then. Now, I know how much those two deaths affected me. And then throw my mother in between the both of them. So it was Anthony first, my mother, then Dominic. Dominic died maybe 10 months later.

My mother died in November. Dominic died August 4th. That destroyed the neighbor. And I still talked maybe three, four, five people from that neighbor. But God. I mean, how can, you know, it's the, the concept of death is completely removed from our society. We don't even see how our food is killed. I mean, how are we supposed to, no one, it's shit, no one ever talks about.

We don't want to know how our food is killed. Yeah, true. You don't want to know. You don't want to know. But just death in general, it's like, you don't, people don't talk about it until it hits you, you know. And, you know, I was destroyed after my father and my sister died. Oh, yeah, we all. I stopped drinking for pleasure for two years.

You're still off the booze? Still off the booze. No shit. God bless you. Yeah, man. January 1st was five years. Man. Yeah.

No desire? No, and even after this, a few people called me, you know, and you are one of the few friends that reached out to me several times since my breakup. And I really appreciate that. And you asked me in a couple other people that called me, you know, you're not drinking, are you? I just, you know, that really means the world to me. I have no idea. But I have no fucking desire whatsoever. And I was actually in, I was feeling at my fucking lowest.

And I was in Hollywood and I was walking. I had to go to the bathroom. And I was right by the Pantages Theater and the frolic room is next door. And I've been in the, man, my brains have been splattered all over the frolic room. Jesus, I don't know. I was still there. Yeah. And, you know, I've still held on after all these.

All this years, baby, it'll be there after we're dead. They changed everything in that neighborhood. Yeah, but that's still like the same gritty Hollywood bar that it always was. So, I mean, I popped in there and like the 1,000 ghosts of Tom Rhodes past are in that bar. And times I was in there and had a great time, all kinds of different stages in my life and just getting plastered. And, you know, and that smell of the fucking stale beer on the carpet and the, you know, know, I had no desire whatsoever. I just, you know, hey, I'm here to take a pee and get the fuck out. Good for you. Yeah, man. It's, you know, I'm, I, I want to go, you know, I may never

go back to drinking, and I'll never go back to the way I used to be. But I want to go at least 10 years. Like when I'm in Paris, I got, Paris is my favorite city in the world. I got so many stories about it and um or like when you're in rome it's like you know a glass of wine would be nice i mean maybe it won't be as nice as i think it'll be but i want to go at least 10 years and then then maybe i'll have a glass of wine once you still smoke refa yes uh yeah i i had to take a break in january because it was fucking depressing me even worse you know i expect here here's a great story for you. And I've tried to turn this into, I've been saying this on stage, but I think it's a little too raw and painful for it to be funny. But I spent January alone in my apartment crying.

And that's what happens when you get divorced. And it was pretty rough. You know, and I've been focused on this album and I'm writing a book to go along with it. So it's great to put my energy into that. But the truth of the matter is, and that's why, you know, getting a call from you, meant the world to me. You had no idea what my situation was and I appreciate you. I know what you're situation. I appreciate you that you were concerned about me. You have to. Listen, that fucking means the world to.

We're the Marines of company. Yeah. And there's just a couple of us that really, you know, I live my life by one rule like Sonny and Bronx tale. Nobody cares. These people tell you, save the whales and it's all for attention. Nobody really cares. You know, Nobody, you know, it's all bullshit at the end of the week. When they see you at the comedy store, they blow smoke up your ass.

At the end of the week, nobody fucking cares in this life. And I've been very lucky. I've had people who have checked up on me and said, hey, what's going on? For me, divorce is one of the hardest things I ever went through. I'll never go through it again. I don't ever want a divorce. That's how I feel. Because it is one of the most rotten feelings in the world,

especially as time goes. You have not even began your grieving process, you know, yet. You know, in time, you'll meet somebody else, and things will move on. But a divorce stings you a little bit because at first, you go through emotions. You go through a ton of emotions. But at this point in my life, you know,

close to 25, 26 after my divorce, I put it there with my GED, with me quit in high school I failed that one of the most simplest things in life friendship with a girl you know I failed that being a friend that's what you are when you're a husband or a wife yeah you're an extended friend you know you know when a girl when I was 21 I made a decision that when a woman told me she cheated on me I was done because the first time you tell me you love me love doesn't disrespect as biggie small as put it in 1995 love never disrespects never never never

everything else when you know acquaintances yeah let them say what the fuck they want but love never disrespects you know and it's just weird i knew what you were going through well i will never i think you're one of the fucking best comics working the last said i saw you doing the original room when you brought me up about seven, eight weeks ago, and sometime in mid-December, because you were still married. Yeah, and you called me the next day. And I called you a couple days later,

and I said, I've been thinking about your set. It was one of the most brilliant things I've seen in stand-up. And it's so weird how comics get hot, and they create this scene for themselves, and you're not really looking at, I feel Tom Rhodes, you're one of the best comics working today, and I look you in the eye and tell you this,

With no bullshit, I don't need to blow smoke up your ass. So, yes, when I found out you were getting divorced, it concerned me. You're one of the best guys representing what we do out there. You write, you do callbacks, you fucking sacrifice to marriage for comedy. For this album that's right in front of you. So all my respect goes to you. Listen, man, I respect motherfucking comedians. Yeah.

I don't care if you're a woman or you're a man. I respect the work ethic that goes behind being a comic. I respect it with all my heart. At 27 years, I know who's fake and the fuck. Yeah. I know you're perfect. I'm with you, man. I respected more than anything in the world.

And I always say that comedy is my religion and my political party. It's all that I fucking care about. My first. So to have your respect means the world to me. But beyond that, the fact that you were concerned about me and you called me several times to make sure I was doing okay. I will never forget that. You've always been a great friend to me,

but like, I'm serious. I will never forget that as long as I live. That is part of what goes with comedy. That's what part of goes with life. That we only have a couple handful of friends, and we've got to check them on them and check in time to time. I love you, Joey Dias. I love you, too.

What's the name of the CD? So the album's called Around the World, but let me tell you this story that showed you how fucked up what I've been going through. spent January alone crying in my apartment. So like this old friend of mine, this girl, I've known her since middle school. And you're a great friend, man. And then she's been dating this guy for years. And then they got married two weekends ago. So she asked me to officiate. I don't know, you know, whatever. I mean, I'm happy to do it, you know. And I got ordained online a couple of clicks.

And I read a Hafiz poem that I thought was fitting. And I gave them what they wanted. But my heart was, you know, it was painful being there around all this happiness and all these love songs. And here's these people starting a marriage and mine has just ended. So it was great. I was happy to do these friends a favor. But to be honest with you, I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. So I call a lift and I get in the lift.

And the lift driver goes, hey, that looks like a nice party you were at. I said, oh, yeah. well, it was a friend of mine's wedding. And to be honest with you, I couldn't wait to get out of there because I'm going through a divorce right now. And I spent January alone in my apartment crying. And the guy said, I can relate to you getting divorced. My cat just died.

So I came home and I found my cat and I just picked it up and I was holding it. I was crying, holding my dead cat. And I said, at least you got to hold something. You got nothing but a piece of that. I'm trying that on stage, but it's like, it's too raw and it's too fucked up to be funny yet. Tom Rhodes, it drops tonight, midnight? Yeah, man, my album is out now. It's called Around the World.

And look at those tracks. It's right and funny, man. It's a masterpiece. I have to say. The album is three hours long. Hong Kong, Shanghai. Starts in Paris. Ends in Jerusalem.

And you end it with the Jews. I love it. That's the way to do it. Yeah, man, I did this. I did this tour in Israel in December, and I took my 80-year-old Jesus freak mother. with me to Jerusalem and we flew in a week early and it was pretty amazing. Yeah. Do you want to hear a story?

No, we're wrapping. We're wrapping that book. Yeah, no problem. Hey, everybody, buy my album around the world. It's the best thing I've ever done. Tom Rhodes, I'm happy you made time to come on today. Oh, I adore you. You look completely different than when you walked in here.

Yeah. You took a load off your fucking shoulders. You got a smell on your face. And this is what these are about. I need dates you want to promote? Yeah, next month. I'm at Sidesputters in Tampa. I'm at Comedy Off Broadway in Lexington.

Great club. Great room. I love that. Great club. Yeah. And then I'm at the punchline in San Francisco, the last weekend of March. Good for you, man. Buy my album.

Come see me live. I will be at Treasure Island this Friday night with Kate Quigley and at the Fox Dita in Tucson on Saturday night with Kate Quigley. I think I got March 2nd at the ice house. That's it. I got a like couple weeks. Saturday night working out with Uncle Joey.

All right, I want to thank Tom Rhodes. I want to thank the Flying Jew over here. And I want to thank you guys most importantly. But I also want to tell you something for a second there. I want to talk to you about Robin Hood. Robin Hood is an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFs, options, and cryptos, all commission-free. While other brokerage charges up to $10 for every trade,

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When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart A somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me Who leave you to learn That misery loves company Wait and see I want to be around and see how he does it When he breaks your heart to bit

If a puzzle fits So fine And that's when I'll discover That revenge is sweet As I sit there a flawed seat When somebody breaks your heart Like you