The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #660 - Ali Siddiq

Episode Date: February 21, 2019

Ali Siddiq, a stand up comedian seen on "This Is Not Happening," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Harry's - Get your FREE trial shave set at Harrys.com/CHURCH Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get $30 off you first order.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 02/18/2019.

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Kick it, Lee. What? What? Get up, Doc Suckers. The bluebird of happiness ain't going to knock on your motherfucking door. What? What? Here you go. Ali said, dick in this motherfucker.

You got the Christ killer. It's Thursday morning. Whatever you need to do, you got to do. I'm 56 and I'm still slinging dick, all right? That's all that matters. 56 and still slinging dick. It's official. Ali, what's the story?

What's the Haps? Oh, man. Jesse Smolet is the Haps, making black people look bad all over the country. You believe that shit. You mean, said no. And gay, two people at the same fucking time. And Nigerian, Nigerian too.

There was two Nigerian immigrants that he let sit in jail. That was telling his life that's giving the story up. He's going to come back with, he didn't have to go to the police on Tuesday or Monday. He didn't have to show up on Monday because of the holiday or whatever. I don't think he's enjoying president's day. No. I've never seen. They arrested those two Nigerian guys and then they let, like,

Like they completely let them go in like three hours. That's the quickest investigation. I've never heard of it. They told the story. They was like, look, we're not going to go to jail. But they were already arrested. They were already arrested sitting in jail. And Jesse out there talking, I fought.

I fought. I fought them. And they're like, who did he fight? Who did it? He paid us a lot. One of the guys was on the show. He was, what did he say? So he's not.

He's not going to come and rescue us. I need to talk to the authorities. He probably did it over text. That's like the craziest thing was when they have like that much. Well, he didn't want to give him the phone. Yeah, that was. And I knew something was up. You can't say nothing no more because the black community will come after you

and the gay community will come after you. But I'm, me and my wife, my wife, a vouch. We were talking about it the night before dinner. Something that don't smell right here. Yeah. And his beating wasn't that severe. His face wasn't that beat up. Yo, he had like a little bit slap and, you know, he made up a thing.

They put a rope around his neck and they were Trump people. He said a noose. Joe, you got to give what he said. He said they put a noose around his neck. And all I wanted to know, who is walking around with a noose at Chicago and 2 o'clock in the morning at negative 25? Coming from a form of person that used to rob people. I promise you, I'm not going to rob you. I'm not guest robbing nobody and goddamn negative 25.

I need to know that you have a double bag of illegal money that I can take from you. Let me tell you something. I don't know if you thought this over. The last thing a Nigerian knows what I do is tie or not. Especially a fucking noose, okay? The last thing a brother even fucks with is rope. You can't show a rope to a brother.

They get all nervous and shit. So these motherfachian line, yes. No. Kamara Usman's going to beat you up now. I'm telling you, Doug. What do you mean? They don't know how to tie nonsense. Black people when you, you never seen a black boy's guy.

Have you? They have their parents? No, they don't like the knot test. No, they don't like the knot test. You've never seen a black kid in the boy scouts. Once they start buying those knots, that's racist.

We don't want to sell or not. That's what they hung our ancestors with and shit. You'll never see a black boy scout. You'll never see Mr. Williams let his kid be a boy scout. He knows those are racist and training and shit. Even though there's a thousand of them, but I'm gonna go with John.

You shouldn't be a black boy scout. I'm just going to say it. I'm just going to say it. You never seen a black boy scout. They're either gay or KKK, those little kids. They either come out to be gay or KKK. Either the fucking trouplina fucks them in the muffler, Sandusky style. Ah, not in the muffler.

Sandusky style. You got to get out. They fuck them in the tent. And they send them out into the wilderness. What do you think is going to happen to these poor kids? They think they're going to survive? They're going to move to Santa Monica Boulevard. Get some roller skates.

Yeah, get some roller skates with the gap band. You'll never see a black boy scott. Go ahead. Go up to the picture of the fucking Boy Scots. See if you ever see a Boy Scouts. It's in their fucking DNA. They're not allowed to do that shit. It's like Jehovah Witnesses don't stand up for the flag.

Black people don't want to know nothing about that shit. They ain't no black boys guys. Man, the thing was when he said that he went home and left the noose around his neck for 42 minutes until the police got there. in my mind was like, wait a minute. Was the noose, was the noose, was the noose, um, fucking tight? Or was it, was it a loose noose or what kind of news was that you got around your goddamn neck?

Still waiting. Oh, this is you. I'm trying to get to. Oh, my God. I thought it was the fence knocking the door down. I thought it was narcos and shit. I'm like, what the fuck we got in this office? There's the cops on their way.

They're kicking the fucking door down. George throwing stuff under the table. With a small news. Just, I'm gonna wait for the police. I'm waiting for the authorities to get here to show them the evidence of the news being tied around my neck. That was some dumb shit, man. Then they threw somebody bleach on them. Why would you have, the whole fucking story was just fucking stupid.

It's just like this Virginia thing, the dude being in blackface. That is the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. Yeah. When he started explaining himself and got himself deeper in the hole. I went to him Michael Jackson one time. I had the shoes, the gloves. I even moonwalked. And then the reporter said,

can you moonwalk for this right now? And he looked around. And his wife was like, his wife was like, nah. Motherfuck, you better not move. Don't fucking moonwalk. Don't throw you under the prison.

Don't movewalk. That he surrendered yet? No. And then number two got his dick suck twice. And he shouldn't have surrendered. Like, I was like this. No, I wouldn't surrender either. I was 23. I was a dumb fuck.

I didn't know. You're insulted people? Black people was like at first, Black people in Virginia was like, get the fuck out of it. Then they realized like, no, no, wait a minute. No, we are all right with that. That's not really tearing the scab off of racism to us. A lot of other shit that tearing the scab off. But what about that was the funniest thing ever because if he stepped, if he stepped down,

the dude who was going to take his place got his dick sucked two days before. And now another chick came out and said he raped her. Yeah, dude. Dude number three, white dude said, I don't want the job. I gotta be honest with you. Back in 1963, I went to a Halloween party. I put blackface on him. He copped even before the pictures came out.

Yeah. So, the... How fucking hysterical is that? That is the funniest thing I have ever seen that night when they were like, well, there's the problem. There must be easy to find. Yeah, it's like, it's like half of the Senate and most of the House should have their fucking yearbooks on deck. Because most of them went to these Ivy League colleges that do, they have a tradition to do them. blackface parties.

So they might want to, everybody may want to check their goddamn tree at this point. But the lieutenant governor this was the goddamn funny shit in the world to me. I was like, okay. So the lady said, one lady said, I just want to say that he raped me and I

don't want to say shit else. I don't need no interview. Just know he raped me. Don't ask me no motherfuck questions. When? Don't tell, I ain't give you no time and other shit. We'll talk about it when y'all impeaching him. And it Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

So you want to testify at an impeachment hearing, but you don't want to testify in criminal court. Like, no, I don't need no criminal. I want them to lose his job, but I want him to go to jail. And then this is my thing as men. I hate when other men come out fucking pandering for shit. Well, I find her credit.

I find what she's saying credible. I find what you saying being so a bunch of, bullshit because it's one thing is out of all the muscles that I have on my body, the one muscle that I don't want in your mouth, if I'm forcing you to do it, is my dick. That's what I don't want. Because

everybody's going to hit, if you put up a fight, everybody going to know that you put in up a fight. Because I'm going to scream the loudest. Let a woman bite down your dickhead because she don't want to suck your dick. Oh, oh, you forced me to do this. I don't want to be ready. Everybody going to know.

Why she ain't bite his dick? why why did you blame another person a basketball player at the same school dude for raping you as well so you got raped by two people at the same school

and you still graduated you're a bad motherfucker and you still took a yearbook picture he's all that smiling in the yearbook and shit look I can't get you can't I can't get into two racial scurbages at a high school

and this thing I'm graduating from that shit I'm like I'm out this bitch it's a Did they believe her about the rape by the masculine player? It went away. It went away because she had all type of messages about how she said she was going to make the shit worse in his life. He said, I'm going to make your life worse because she, like, she don't like to be broke over. She got a fucking breakup issues.

You break over her. All of a sudden you fucking raped her. And then the lady, the first one, wait a minute. Aren't you a district, you work for the district attorney office. You work for a woman's shelter. about each other. So why you never told nobody that this man

raped you at all? But you had other interviews about things of such nature, but you never brought him up. So you're saying that y'all was on a secure You said this happened at the Democratic Convention. And you went up to a floor

with him that has feds all over the goddamn floor because they're securing other Democratic people that's on the floor. You own the floor. You're on the floor. with fed that's coming and going. As a person that did on some small scale shit,

I used to be the comic with the Texans. I flew on the plane with the Texans. Have you ever heard of an NFL player raping a girl on the floor, on the team floor? You can't. It's fucking cops up there. Local cops from that city,

whatever city they're playing in. That's on the floor, guarding the elevators. So people can't get up and press can't get up. And if any woman come on that floor, you was brought up there by a player. And if you left, the police saw you.

They saw you going and coming. Just like at the Democrats, they saw her coming going and coming. So if she was raped, she would have told one of the cops on the walk down that this brother just raped. They would have saw, the fucking feds are every inch of this place. It's like, it's like I never believe the plane ran into the Pentagon. The Pentagon got cameras every inch of the motherfucker. So you're going to tell me that a plane ran into the goddamn Pentagon and we don't, ain't no it's not a napkin or

wheel or screw or fin found or nothing so the plain discreding disintegrated into the wall of pentagon and there's no pictures of the shit coming and going it doesn't it it it can't make sense when the feds are on the floor

like what type of fucking mind control he got where you don't look dischuffled you don't look right you ain't say nothing you know like on the floor with the fed damn that's deep but don't nobody want to file criminal charges.

They just want him impeached. But no criminal charges, because criminal charges to take care of him getting impeached. If he get found guilty, he can't be a lieutenant governor in jail. The job has to go up for sale. It can't be like, I don't, well, I'm found guilty, but I'm still the fucking lieutenant governor.

It doesn't happen like that. So why don't they want to file criminal charges? They are under the, they are under the statute of limitation. All of them. The two. It's a scary fucking world out there, bro. The set up world. That somebody could wake up tomorrow morning and say Lee Syatt was with me at the fourth wall last night on the way home.

He tried to fuck me in the ass. You know, and I'll call Lee and go, Lee, what happened last night? And he'll go, I never tried to fuck her in the ass. She asked me for her right home. I told her I couldn't because she was kind of scary. And this is the kind of shit that happens in real life. Yeah. This is the kind of shit that could happen.

And did you go for a rape kid? No, because I was scared. Lee was gonna beat me up. You know, meanwhile, you know, this is it. This is our map. This is our fucking we've, we've, you know, but then again, if it, if the smoke this fire and if it didn't happen, you're exonerated. It's still, it's still in people's fucking mind.

Don't get exonerated. You get, you get the fucking small print, by high no bituaries. that you when they accused you you get the front page you are accused of these allegations but when you get exonerated you are behind the obituaries in small print in cursive they write their shit in cursive in the paper like when you went to jail

was your name in the paper when you got arrested no I was hoping it wasn't no my name came out of the paper I lived in Boulder so my name came into paper it changed the game once your name comes on the paper once people read something instead of hearing it it really scares people people just stayed clear of me once your name comes on the paper wow yeah i never wanted to be in the paper no not like not like that i don't want i don't want it to be in print that i was out here

being a street pharmaceutical rep yeah but i'm embracing it now now i'm you know i try not to tell stories because i was getting a little irritated where people thought that that's all i did like you know it took me a while to tell even tell a prison story so then I just start embracing it like yo fuck it I'm I'm gonna just do the story and if people want to ask me questions

I'll talk about it but it's the it's the questions that people ask you that piss you off a little bit like this is the number one question that piss me out so were you um did you um find humor in jail to protect yourself

and then I say well what did you get that from like what make you think that that can happen a kid in play movie house party two people have believed that shit since it was said in house party

two when that man sitting in jail kids in the in the jail cell with him and he say well do you gotta do with richard said he did richard probably said when he was in jail he would jail jokes to keep their mind keep them laughing to keep their mind off his booty

now when the fuck was Richard Pryor ever in jail? Never. So the shit can't be true. But it was said in the movie. So that's what people think. And then I asked the question.

If I was standing here at 6 foot 3, 6 foot 4, about 280, would you ask, and I said, I'm a comic, same thing. And I did it start in jail and I would say, would you ask me that same question? Would you say, did you start doing comedy in jail to protect yourself? you wouldn't think you wouldn't you wouldn't think to say the shit to me at all but you're looking at um real live you're looking at a welterweight 140 pounds 145 pounds you're looking at a welterweight and you think that i need to tell be humorous in order to protect myself you're looking at let me tell you i'm the same size as bernard hopkins Floyd mayweather um Marvelous Marvin Hagler

Sugar Ray Leonard and Sweet Pete Penel Whitaker I'm the same motherfucking size as them I'm the same size as Pac-ya so I ask like what in people's mind make you think that I got to be humorous

in order to protect myself what about me that you didn't think that I could protect myself but I get it it's some of the stories that I'm telling now that in prison that you real live have to be super aggressive even when

you feel like the shit is not necessary because you still an intelligent person somebody asked your question they don't you didn't answer aggressive enough for you so they want to put you in a tank in a protective custody tank you're like I don't need to be in here I don't even know what the fuck this is to not want to be in here

I don't know what this is so now I got to beat somebody up in here for you to move me out of here because I'm saying this ain't where I'm supposed to be but what about me I didn't say it. What you wanted me to say? Do you think you can defend yourself in?

Hey man, time to tell. What did you want me to say? Oh, fuck yeah, I'm going to kill everybody in here. What did you want me to say? Just like now, as a grown man, what do you want me to be like? I don't want to be extra aggressive. Because when I am being extra aggressive,

then I say the shit like this. I'm probably the only, in my mind, and I'm in the room with other people, I'm like, you know, I'm probably the only person in this room that actually took somebody's breath from them, where they don't breathe no more. I'm probably the only person. I'm like, I'm probably the only person here that's thinking about stabbing multiple people in here if something go. I'm probably the only person here that's fixing my mind for problems at this goddamn gala. We had a gala, and in my mind, something can happen.

I got to be able to, you know, be able to maneuver out of this. I'm probably the only person with these fucking defects in my brain because of the situations that I've been in incarcerated. And I've always protected myself in there, but don't ask me no fucking stupid-ass question like, did I use, because ain't no fucking stage in there. Ain't no way in there is a comedy program. I was a fucking humorous, sarcastic dude.

just like I am on stage now so it's no stage and ain't no fucking time 8 o'clock y'all know i'll be doing a show at 8 it wasn't like that but people ask you these fucking retarded ass questions

I can see if somebody asked you like for me did humor I knew six months before I got sentenced that I was going to jail I didn't want to accept it I thought I was going to go on there my cute ass and humor the fucking judge at the sentencing.

That's what I thought. My attorney had done everything including. Did a great job. I plea bargain, but I kept pushing the trial back to the sentencing date until one day they called out of the blue and said the judge says he wants to get this office docket. You got in sentence next Monday. And then it came to me the reality.

I was swimming. I was hitting the bag. I was riding the bike. I was preparing myself mentally. I didn't accept. that I was in prison for about a week. For about a week, you don't accept it. After you get sentenced, five days, four days.

And for four days, you're beating yourself up, and then you just let go and breathe and say, I'm going to put this in God's hands, and I'm just going to have the best time I can in here. Did I use humor to make my time go easier? Fuck yet. By doing stand-up? No, in my head, you know, you've got to watch what you're saying there.

Exactly. You got to walk a certain way in there. You got to keep your eyes a certain way. You can't let a motherfucker get away with zero point zero. Not zero point zero. Does that come back into my life from time to time? Yeah. I don't let a motherfucker go past point of fucking zero.

And nobody understands that unless you're in it. A couple weeks ago, bro, I went to New York with my wife and kid. I took the ferry over to New York did my shit in New York went to take the ferry back bro, you know me, Ali. Lee, you know me. I'm calm.

I don't bother nobody. I keep my mouth shut. I'm standing on the motherfucking line, Ali, with my daughter in my right hand. There's maybe a foot between me and some lady and some dude just cuts right in

and walks past me. And as he was walking right here, I went right back to 1987 in that prison. And I elbow-shouldered him. And he went. And he looked at me and I go, excuse me. He looked at me for a second and he goes, excuse me. And then he stepped back and just kept looking at me.

And I kept looking at him. And we gave ourselves about a minute. And I go, is there a problem? I let go on my door and I go, is there a problem? And he goes, there's no problem. When the ferry came, he got on the ferry. I got back. I sat down.

I apologized to my wife. But I got that. prison yeah not zero not zero not zero not zero before it even comes out of your mouth not zero that's how i was raised that's how men were when i was growing up not zero not past zero so when me and when people ask me the questions i hey man you know it wasn't like that x y then you asked me another stupid ad question so now then it clicks you know man you Yo man, you want a bunch of cliche shit? What you want?

You want me to rewrite the movie script that you got in your fucking locker that's on your laptop or something? It's like you probing me for dumb-ass answers that's, you know? And that's that mentality of, that prison mentality is fucking, you can't let nobody get away with a inch. Nothing is zero. Like you can't say no slick shit and me not respond.

Like, what? What? Like, I don't let you get past nothing. Now, I should, you know, as, you know, over the years. I let people, I let people. I'll calm down. I put my guard down just to let them. You have to, just to let them, just to let, to see how far they think they could push,

to see how crazy they fucking really are in their mind. I didn't put the guard down and the shield, and I'm trying, I'm trying to be this loosey, goosey type of person, and this shit just resort right back. Because you can't top you like yo you know something to fuck out here I don't want to be this person I don't want to be I don't want to be carefree Yeah dude this shit comes with a lot with a lot man is no like in his business man so many So you any fucking mistake you make you know like the Kevin shit with the with the Oscars I was like that was some corny shit like you who sat down and went back through all them fucking

tweets and shit to find that. It's like they try not to give people you know what they deserve due to fucking language. Man, as a comic man we say what we want to say give a take, you know, good or bad.

I said something before. Did you get insulted when I said no black people in the boy scouts? Not at all. There are people that are going to find that insulting. Yeah. And that's not insulting to me at all. I think it's a joke and it's true. I was in the boy. I was a wee blow from about Two weeks.

Now one black dude signed up and it was in the fucking Bronx, okay? Now one black dude signed up. They didn't have the heart to. I remember Mr. Williams told Jasper in front of me. He ain't going to be no motherfucking Cubscout because I was a Cubscow first. I didn't like it either.

But my point is that there's people out there looking for that now. Guys like you and I understand one thing. Second chances are a motherfucker. Okay? Not a lot of people understand the second chance concept in this country. Second chances got me to where I'm going.

Okay, got me here. Got you here. So how did you feel a couple months ago? Let's just talk about that. When they were going after that motherfucking judge for covering the chick's mouth in college, all right? Motherfuckers been a judge for 30 years, whatever the fuck he is, never got in trouble again.

And you mean to tell me you're going to come now to talk to me about something he did in 1982 that he covered some chick's mouth, which is all bullshit. political shit. If you understand the nitty-gritty, dirty politics that's going on in this country, you'll understand what's going on now. Where three women came out, remember the discredited the one, he raped the one at Harvard or Yale, wherever the fuck he went to, but the main one with the glasses. See, Kavanaugh. Kavanaugh, that was his name. That motherfucker Kavanaugh. But what they were

really mad about was some abortion bill, that he was signing or something like that. The same thing with this governor in Virginia. That dude is signing some abortion bill. What came out about the lady with the glasses? Chris did it come out that she was saying anything fraudulent? They can't prove it

either way with her. See, the only thing that got me with her was this. You know how when somebody telling the story and they correct an insignificant

part, a part that was fucking very insignificant oh okay let me correct that I had on some orange shoes and the strings were green I didn't want you to think the shoes were orange correct you had that right but you said the strings were black no the strings were green

and then go on oh I didn't I don't remember that you are correct she was doing the technical shit that I find to be credible he was doing the I'm a

try to talk louder than everybody to make you believe me. Now, do I think he did it? 100%. You're a young white kid drinking fucking beer. You drunk. First of all, you're a white boy drinking beer at a goddamn clubhouse underage. I know goddamn well you did something. I've been to school with white boys drunk.

I know thousands of them get drunk and do all type of fucking weird ass shit. thousand of them. So nine times of the ten, you probably, it's like, it's like trying to say you were a black dude and you was full of fucking Hennessy and you didn't cuss nobody out. So wait a minute, you were full

of Hennessy and you didn't say one curse word. Oh, you're a fucking lie. You just a goddamn lie. Hennessy make you curse. That's in the bottle. It's like, you pour drinks, it got curse words in the liquor. And it doesn't, it doesn't transfer. So

I knew I just didn't like him as his whole fucking His demeanor His demeanor was not well It was like yo you are lying Well he's What's that shit they called

He had that bitter air to him That affluenta Right Yeah Yeah Yeah Because see the one thing about the dude In Stafford

Say the dude in Stafford Rape's the girl swimming The judge Sends him to apologize He said I don't want to You said the man said he didn't want to ruin his life. Well, you fucking wanted to ruin mine when I was a drug deal at 19.

You tried to throw all the time at me. He people, man, some of this shit I just don't, I don't get. Like cops shooting unarmed people and not getting nothing happening to him. That's some fucking weird ass shit. Like, any time shit go awry and you're the responsible person. you're the one that's supposed to be the responsible person that's like this is this is your podcast it's like me coming in and decide not to talk about none of the shit that you want to talk about and then somebody said well joie i leave was being difficult in that podcast and you know and you was

just letting them talk about well i couldn't i couldn't control the conversation right but you wouldn't say that you're like you know that motherfucker check i keep turning the shit back to where You're not going to let me come in and just do what the fuck I want to do on your podcast. It's like, so I never get people saying that they didn't have any control over something. You have some sort of control, some type of authoritative control over it. As a cop, you're a professional. You're not supposed to have the same temperament as some regular ass Joe on the street. You're supposed to be able to be more tolerable of anything.

because you are a professional that's trained in that. I've seen a cop. I'm cursing. He's just looking at me and asked me straight up. Are you done? No, I ain't motherfucking done.

I said the rest of what I wanted to say. So you're done now. Here's the thing, Ali. Being a cop has changed dramatically in 30 years. Okay. When I was a young kid,

if Ali grew up in North Hollywood, he would become a North Hollywood cop. Which means you got roots in the community. You know all the knickknacks of the community are. And now you're the B cop. You're the low man on the totem pole. The B cop is the biggest crime deterrent there is. Because I know you're going to be back here in 43 minutes.

Whatever I got to do has got to be done in 43 minutes. minutes now that guy becomes a detective in North Hollywood and so on and so forth and so on but he knows the streets now these cops Lee's a nice guy Lee could have became a cop okay get Lee after high school goes to college he gets out of college he doesn't know what he wants to do he could become a cop what if you know yeah you could train all you want at shooting a fucking target. But unless you know the game, you know what, man, half the people that are dying

shouldn't be dying. They should all be getting shot in the leg. Ali poses a threat to me and he's got a knife. I'm not going to shoot him in the head. I'm going to shoot him in the goddamn pinkie toe. Like Eddie Murphy shot the chicken the pinky toe and put you down. But will I do that under pressure?

Will I do that when there's police car lights? Can you do that when there's fucking cameras out? And everybody got a motherfucking camera. You know, nothing is right now. If I see you, if I get out of my police calling, you're doing this with a fucking knife. You're not coming at me with the knife. You're just doing like this.

There's mental health issue. There's a thousand things. What's wrong with shooting a motherfucker in the leg? What's wrong with your taser? Okay, the taser. What's wrong with finding out? That's what we're going through. So people are panicking.

You know, you go for your cop. Bro, we've seen crimes that they should put the cops under the prison. that dude who shot that black dude in the fucking head at the truck in the car in the car that's the worst he should have been put under the jail the dude a couple weeks ago to go on the mall in Texas

that he pulled out of his gun and they shot him I can't I don't know if I'm a cop I'm running in I hear people yelling and screaming there's confusion Austin I look and I see a brother taking out a gun put it down you know put it down what if that put it down he just turns

at me I don't know if he's military train. I don't know what the motherfucker is. So there's a we can, we're not there. In Texas, what's crazy is as a, I don't understand cops in Texas when you know a lot of people have gun licenses. You're going in

are you going in firing on the white guys that you're seeing with guns? And that's the crazy shit because these are the mass shooters. I'm still confused on how in the fuck are we even considered dangerous? What's the last thing of black

person done. Name it. Jesse motherfucking Smolet. We lied and said this motherfucker attack. That's it. What's the last motherfucking violent crime that we have done? Maybe the sniper like 15 years ago. Remember that guy? That motherfucker. 15 years

ago. The D.C. sniper. Name We don't have no long. We ain't got no fucking goddamn. We ain't kidnapped no whole bunch of fucking people. We don't have no drug roots. I'm saying? motherfuckers didn't rap about all them

you know what I'm saying? We don't have God damn the only thing we've done would have Obama that's it we ain't done a motherfucking thing how we steal the number one fucking predator

1500 mass shootings we have done none of them not one not even a tan motherfucker done it not even a tan one every time there's a mass shooting every black person in America goes

we ain't getting the blame for that motherfucker right there these crazy white people I get it I get it how much of it do you think of is it race versus economics like like that's what always so shows to me in my court

is like the guy who has money like the affluenza is going to get away with it it doesn't really even matter like the race matters maybe a little bit it I don't in mass shootings I don't know how the race would matter in that when it when it's like, yo, it's a weird.

I don't know what the fuck matters no more because it's so many unarmed, unarmed African-American people getting shot versus you go in and shoot, okay, the mad shooting in the church. Right. He shot nine elderly people. He killed nine elderly people.

How in the fuck did you, do you arrest him and make sure that he have something to eat. Yeah. And every, every mad shooting, now when it's a person, they know who they're going to upped up. They make sure that they go in,

and they make sure they say it all the time. You go back and you listen to it. We arrested the assailant with no incidents. They make sure they say that with no incident. So how the fuck is this man selling CDs in front of a store? How is he dead? How is, I don't understand. But then you want to say this man in blackface ripping off the fucking scab

and reminding us of slavery and racism in his country. No, that's not the fucking scab that's being ripped off by blackface. I'm well aware of what happens in blackface. But I'm not understanding of why so many, like you say, you got this you got this this dude this country dude from alabama or some small town in texas or some small area where it's just predominantly he just all him he's ever seen then you put him in a to patrol the neighborhood of people that he never really dealt with ever in his life got no stock in him and he has no idea that because i'm talking loud i'm not fucking man

I'm just talking loud I'm not being aggressive because I'm doing this is how I talk you have no fucking training to be around it's like somebody listening to my aunt and my uncle talk to each other they mad at each other

nah who said to why you thought they were mad because the way they're talking to each other nah she's going to tell him shut the fuck up all the time and he's gonna say right back bring your ass and do that you shut the fuck him to talk get ready to come in there

they're not mad at each other that's love It's affection. It's 35 years of that. But if you don't know that, you're looking at the, on the outside, looking like, oh, this is fucked up.

Why they're talking to each other like that? You know, we handle things a lot, a lot different according to, you know, who are rolling up on. Yeah. Who were rolling up on.

Well, you know, a lot of people don't, you know, listen, I was on Rogan's last month and we were talking. I told him what Harvey was going to do, how Harvey was going to get himself out of this.

We're criminals. We know the plan. I got a plan. I used to just go to court, just to watch court when I was a kid. You know, I enjoyed it. I really do enjoy the judicial process. People go on the court, fucking proving that they're guilty. I love all that shit.

I eat that shit up alive. I knew what he was going to do. I knew exactly what he was going to do. Cosby didn't do it. Cosby had more money than fucking God. Cosby should have got three white chicks to go on their represent the angry black sister

Obama's cousin I found out with um how he got how are he in jail he got Cosby got cheap on the um on his attorneys

yeah you don't all that money in the world fucking fire the people who got you to hung jury he walked in there with another jury but then on the other side of that did you know that um his wife Camille had

wrote this letter fucking bad mouthing the judge like really talking shit about the judge and the judge didn't even respond didn't say nothing

but then the new trial come the judge people don't realize he let he let five women who had nothing to do with that motherfucking case testify against cops he allowed he allowed their testimony five women had nothing to do with this shit not a goddamn

damn thing. The judge what you don't do if you're in the trial we know this, you don't talk shit about the judge. No. That's what you that's the main motherfucker that you don't talk shit. The judge, you don't want to say nothing bad about the bailiff. Knowing

a bailiff can keep, I remember missing a court date and the bailiff on my behalf spoke up for me. No judge, he's been here. He's been here every other time. I don't,

I, what it's called a, continuance. Your, or the bond, other bond. They didn't take my bond. They,

let me keep, my bond, just had to show back up. And fucking, the, um, the bailiff, man,

the bailiff looked out. You got to know, you got to know the people in the court system, man. It ain't just about, that's, people don't know who in there,

who in that guy fucking weight. It's a lot of people in that room. They got weight. other than your attorney, because your attorney is only in there fucking bartering relationships. It's on,

and the real work comes when you get ready to go to trial. If you're not going to trial, it's like, I'm coming there. I'm like, okay, look, Lee, shit. Do you take yours to trial? No. I was looking at 49 years. I wasn't about to take him out of trial.

They started me with 99. I wasn't going to trial. Yeah, I was looking at 49. I said, fuck you. I went to, I went to La Library. I wanted to see what, what did my stuff start at? What does the statute of limitations? I'm like, yo, where do I start?

Because, you know, different possessions, different cases have different amount. Like, you would get caught with a certain amount. A possession is one thing versus a delivery and a conspiracy. Conspiracy starts at 20. Delivery starts at 15. Possession starts at 5. So I'm trying to determine,

I really wanted to go in there and telling people that I was in possession of 5 kilos dope. like I was a smoker. And my turn. Tough one to sell. My attorney was like, so you want me to tell him that you were using five kilos? Hey man, I got a habit.

I got a bad habit. So he's like, no, it's going to be a delivery, delivery of control substance. Now, and I thought, delivery, sales?

Yeah, sales. Sales delivery. Okay. Yeah. Possession your user, you know, something. They come in here right now.

I got a baggie with an ounce of coke with nothing wrapped. It's possession. If they come in here and I got a scale and a couple bindles, even if there are nothing in them, then they get me on delivery. Conspiracy is if it's me, you, and Lee. If Lee gets tequila and he gives, we chop it three ways, and then that's conspiracy when it's a network of people.

Conspiracy to deliver controls. Yeah, that's a motherfucker right there. I had kidnapping one and kidnapping. two an aggravated robbery, second-degree burglary, and then they threw a thing called crime of violence in that if you get convicted, they double your sex. Mm-hmm. So it's times two.

So I had to think hard on this. I'm going to see the guy I kidnapped Saturday night in Tucson. The guy I kidnapped in 1988, 87, he's coming to the show Saturday night in Tucson. this Saturday hysterical he's been waiting for the last month he's been calling me

three times a week and I won't answer his call to torture him because he didn't show up to Tempe last year so I haven't been answering the phone he finally hit me up on Facebook he's like motherfucker

you're coming to Tucson I'm coming so the dude I kidnapped in 1987 will be in the show in Tucson this weekend so you're in Tucson this weekend yeah how crazy is that though

that's crazy so for me I knew he was a loose cannon that he was going to disappear so that's why I kept postponing it I kept paying my attorney to push it back because the victim would disappear eventually he would either move to Mexico and then there'd be no fucking court no he showed up they didn't let him testify though because he had robbed the hospital he jumped out this motherfucker got a DUI cut his head open they took him to the hospital while he was in the hospital he broke into the pharmacy took the liquid cocaine

of a bunch of pills and jumped out the motherfucking window and then didn't show up for court and had a warrant out for his arrest. When I kidnapped him, he had a warrant out for his arrest. So do you understand if they would have taken this to trial? If I were to

take it to trial, it would have been close. Close, close. Too close to risk 40 fucking years over. Yeah, too close. I just almost got jury duty and being seeing what the kind of people they picked like there's people who just get bad luck

like they've gotten jury duty four times and like they're in charge of your life that's I like it almost makes more sense to just have the judge do it because at least they're supposedly smart the people who I was in the room with for jury duty and terrified me

like the thing that they were in charge of someone's life yeah it's a big thing people be in there wanting to go not not let to all the evidence. Just imagine, we have a declining educational population.

So now, if you're getting picked, you're getting judged by these people, these new people will become your jury. The same people who can't pay attention without they funny got a small window of attention, a small

titsman. Who's motherfuckuskine's a good singer? Yeah. And she's a great singer. And she's a public figure for the world. So these are the people who am like, yes, I would like to hear all the facts. So this thing, it's

the, damn, we in a tight spot. I remember the first because Kidwell got arrested first. He got caught with Vela in the trunk of the car. So he got the public attorney.

So when I walked in there, I knew exactly that. That's beautiful for me. Because now I can't get a public attorney. I got to get a court appointed real motherfucking attorney and the state pays them because of a public attorney handles my its conflict of interest.

So when you get involved with two or three people, you shut your mouth until you find out one guy got a public attorney. Let them get the public attorney. You're going to go to your motherfucker attorney. And I went with a black dude. His name was Sunny Flowers.

That was his real name. But he was. was black only in skin color. His soul was wider than white. And he was in there selling my fucking soul. And I remember he called me a week after I bailed. He's like, good news.

We've gotten you a great deal. It's nine years. And he goes, and you're pleading to kidnapping too. And I'm like, Mr. Flowers. Are you fucking crazy? And he goes, I think it's a great deal for you. Nine years is perfect for what you did. I go, there's no violence.

They got no proof of a... But I was just buying time. I was just trying to get all my money in order to get a real attorney. So I was just trying to get my shit in order to get a real attorney. Then I went in there and started like a fake argument with him because he kept telling me, you don't understand. My grandmother was the first black woman to ever graduate to see you both. And I'm like, you don't understand.

I don't give a fuck. I'm going to get fucking lynch mobbed in this motherfucker. And you're telling me about your fucking grandmother? I don't want to hear about your fucking grandmother one more goddamn time. And he's like, nobody talks about my grandmother. You know. You'll never be a boy's guy. You'll never be a boy scout

to all this shit. And he threw me out. He wrote a letter to the judge. And then I had to go see the judge. I never forget this. I had snorted. I must have snorted nine, eight balls on a Sunday night. And I had to see the judge at 10 in the morning.

I went in there sweating bullets. Ali, I know you've gone through this. I go in there. I forget what the judge's name was. He was bald. He was a little bit of a hard on. And I went in there. had explained my situation.

He goes, what happened? I go, I didn't, we didn't come to an agreement. He goes, Mr. Diaz, I want you to get sentenced. And I go, listen, I wasn't getting long with me. He goes, all right, you have 14 days to get new counsel and come in here. I go, okay, thank you, Your Honor. And he goes, by the way, before you go, please go in my chambers and check with my clerk for a date. I've been to court a thousand times.

That was fucking weird, Ali. Before you leave, go on my chamber. This is in front of everybody. He goes, go outside and go in the first office and check with my clerk for a date for two weeks. I was like, something don't sound right. I was by myself. I had no attorney with me. So I walk out.

He's like, go ahead. That way. And I walk out and I go in there. And when I open up, there's a lady there. And she goes, Jose, and I go, yes, she goes, hold on one second. And she opened up the door and two feds came out. came out like mr. Diaz we're fucking such and such we're from fucking the DEA and this is County from Aspen and they sort of show me pictures of me on a balcony

show me pictures of me in a car showing me pictures of me giving a guy like a package and they were watching me up in Aspen and they're like this is how you could take care of this whole deal we can know they said to me if you give us your dealer in aspirin will make this situation go away and we promise you you'll do it a amount of minimal time and I'm like so wait a second what you're trying to tell me is I'm gonna sell my soul and I still gotta do time so I thought about it first and if you know anything about me you know I had to fuck with them a little bit I had to fuck with them a little bit I took the dude's card and I said I'll get

back to you and then I would call them like every four days listen I seen a license plate like 6-2-6 like if somebody was busted my balls like if there was a drug dealer that I owed money to I would call this motherfucker and say look I just seen a suspicious thing

going on my neighborhood with this count you know I wouldn't say nothing to nothing you're about to go to jailed spice and you're still doing the police oh please you know me dog I don't give a fuck I could go on for years torturing a cop

I had a cop that was so mad of me on Lisa Deek this motherfucker tried to crack this coconut that he showed up on my wife's side for the divorce hearing that's how much you always I dream a genie I dream a genie is not about a white dude with a genie

it's about a white dude and another white dude who torture Major Bellows they'd just torture him he'd walk into an office and they're having an orgy then he goes to a port and he comes back and they're really a bakery I had this cop I had this cop

That dude just retired That dude just retired I would still send him flowers I was sending Valentine's cards I was sending Christmas cards I sent that motherfucker Christmas cards Five years after I got out of prison Because I knew he hated me so much

Man So why are you antagonizing him Because fuck him Because I hate him I want him to fucking go to his grave Thinking about how much he fucking hated me And how he couldn't do dick to me Because he kept telling me

you're gonna do 50 fucking years i'm gonna make sure of it and i'm like dog god damn call that cop on you he's been farting on me what can you i know what can you charge of chemical warfare dog i tortured that motherfucker i tortured i tortured remember alie that dude started on me for a credit card for a child he started on me on 85 when he was a patrol man he thought he was fucking snoop I was I burglarized the mall with a credit card and then my stupid Cuban ass see I went to the mall first

looking for a job I didn't get it okay me I'm just thinking about this story it's amazing that he's free like I'm not wondering it's such a fun time he's like I'm free I terrorized this mall first

looking for a job and when I didn't get the job nobody would give me a job I took a credit card like 10 credit cards and just destroyed that mall. Bro, I went into that mall when they walked into the radio shack. Do you know I picked up a CD player, one of those DVD players,

wrapped the wire around? You know how you unplugged it? It was the sample. I took the fucking thing and walked out of there with the sample. I destroyed this mall. They were not ready for Joe Diaz, but I tormented them with the credit card. I bought something in every fucking store in that mall.

This mall was three floors. I spent money in every store in that mall. I kept drawing the cards away and taking them and going back. I tormented this mall. I had the merchandise all over that fucking apartment. But one day I'm working, I get a call from Footlock and they want to hire me. In that mall? In that mall.

So I take the job of Footlock with my stupid Cuban ass. I'm 21 years old. And I'm a foot locker robbing up a storm, right? Robbing like a motherfucker. And one day this Chinese family comes in, one of those yin-yang envelopes, the Chinese New Year amelopes, and they're trying on shoes and I'm looking at that envelope and shit and all these Chinese people are trying on shoes

and I clipped the envelope and put it in my pants it had to be like fucking I don't know $2,000 $3,000 I went right in the back of the place and I opened up a bag of size 13 sneakers and I put the envelope inside the sneaker

and I went back out I just had a weird feeling and when they went to pay for the sneakers they're like what happened to the envelope our envelope is lost what happened I'm starting to feel bad the kids are crying and shit I'm like, oh, I'm going to go to hell for this.

And all of a sudden they leave. They came back and outlay with the cops. And they were like, we know for a fact when we came in here, we had that fucking envelope. So either somebody stole it or somebody who works here stole it. And it was like three of us. And I'm like, dog, none of us took it. You dropped it, you know.

But that cop kept looking at me weird. And two days later that motherfucker comes back and he goes, can I talk to you for a second? He goes, I just got a report. but there's a guy that matches your description that bought a bunch of jewelry and whatever. So we're waiting for the cameras to come back. Is this you?

You might as well turn yourself in now. This motherfucker came every seven days. He came in for five days with that same story. Every day he comes in. How are you doing, Mr. Diaz? Have you decided to turn yourself in yet? You know, we've got the sizes of the pants and stuff, right? You know, we're going to hang the sign.

You know, I'm like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. They kept coming a footlock. kept coming in a foot locker. Then Sunday night, the motherfucker knocked out my door. And he's like, you know, we're going to come back here and arrest you tomorrow. We can make this a lot easier. I'm like, dog, if you could arrest me, you wouldn't be here talking this shit. Now, get the fuck off my stoop.

Then that night I left for San Francisco. And I didn't come back for like two years. That was in August of 85. Ali, do you know when I kidnapped that motherfucker and no one? November of 87 you know I turned myself into that dude and another cop and he never remembered Ali he kept looking at me like he knew me from somewhere and then every time I go to court he'd be looking at me and shit I'm like when is this fool gonna remember but I was the credit card banded when he the bolder credit card the bolder credit card

board the boulder credit card banning when is he gonna fucking realize and I'm that dude He's going to be sitting up one day and just going to pop into his head, like something that you can't remember. Fuck. Joey Diaz. No. I was at the Comedy Works two years ago, and the feature that opened for me was a Boulder cop. And I said to him, I asked him. I said, is that cop still there?

And he goes, yeah. I'll ask him about you. I go, send them my love. Because I always send him Christmas cards at the police station. So I sent him fucking shit for years. I think I haven't sent them anything like 12 years, 13 years I think I sent them something

with the longest yard and go fuck yourself what have you done with your life you fucking flatfoot motherfucker here I am busting out with Adam Sama how you like me now? I sent them a trading card. They had these trading cards and I sent it to them do you have a problem

with police? I don't actually have problem. No, not at all. Never in my life just a specific not at all. I don't like I like when a cop is a cop. I like when a cop talks to me from the heart and I talk back to him from the heart. I hated cops like him

because they really thought they were making a difference. I don't want you to be a cop that thinks you're making a difference. You're not making a difference. You're not really making a difference. You're going after, when you watch those Pablo Escobars and you watch them cheer and shit, I look at you and I feel bad for you because you're just plugging one hole in the wall. You don't see that? You're just giving another guy a fucking light. Leave him alone. Shut the fuck up.

You're going to act like that. Whoa! Yeah, we got them. You know, that shit has always killed me. Those gung-ho cops, they bothered me. But cops are the cops that pulled us over that night. Right. I put my hand on the steering wheel. I've never had a problem with a cop other than that cop.

Let me tell you some. I got arrested one time on a warrant. I got arrested on a possession of stolen tools thing. And I had a warrant in Bergen County. The cop that drove me from Tenafly to Burgen County jail stopped and got me Chinese food. That's how good I am around cops. I tell them the truth.

My brother's a cop. I admire you guys. You guys are doing a job, and I fucked up. That's the truth about a cop. I got no beef with cops. I don't want to shoot a cop. I got nothing against cops. Cops are, I give my,

that's why I don't like this shit that's going on with cops shooting people. And I've always said it. Stop with the shooting the black people. Stop it because I'm going to tell you what's going to happen. You're going to get five angry brothers that all trained, special forces. They're all going to start talking one night, and they're going to start snipering in the fucking city.

That's going to happen. All it takes is two brothers to get together and say this shit's going to end. Call it the Black Panthers reprogram, reboot. Call it the Black Panthers reboot. And that's what's going to happen. I'm no fucking Swami from Salami. But it don't take you to even be a genius

to know that one day one brother is going to call his cousin and go, hey, they just shot our little cousin in Memphis. This shit's going to stop. Let's go down to Memphis. Let's get all our little army. buddies together, all our little black sniper friends, and last up, picking off motherfucking cops on Main Street.

We'll pick off a white cop a day until the fucking violent ends. This is going to happen someday. It may not be tomorrow. It may not be in 10 years. But someday, this is going to happen because this keeps happening. People don't understand. And people don't understand. And it's going to take one angry dude, one Tupac, motherfucker,

to say, you know what? I know how to fucking shoot. I could out shoot Lee Harvey Oswald. I turn I listen you know this football thing I was talking about

was that talking about that fucking Kavernecky man no no no no no the shit about this thing about the CTE I was talking about my CTE that now since white kids aren't playing football

no more more and more like more blacks are going to Princeton now like they're allowing it now like fuck it we don't give a fuck we need football because the NCAA spends more on football more on football, scholarships,

than all other sports combined. Did you know that? Yep. Then all other sports combined. The one makes the most money. The NCAA spends on fucking football. And now, because of this white kid not playing football shit, that means more black kids and Puerto Ricans

are going to be going to the school that you worked hard to fucking get into. Right. And now parents are fucking pissed. This is what this whole thing on real sports was about. That parents are like, wait a second. You're letting these kids in our fucking school. We pay 40 grand a year.

Well, that's also kind of racist. That's very racist. Because then they're like something like... So what you're telling me is they'll just get money to keep blacks and Puerto Ricans away from you? Well, sometimes they pay it to just get in. Like they'll pay just to, oh, I'll donate to get a library. But they didn't deserve to get in Harvard. That's happening too.

Yeah. Which is pretty crazy. Well, can you guys explain the no snitching thing? Because, I mean, I obviously, everyone's been told not to tattletail. But then like this thing is happening with this rapper right now with Snoop Dogg, like getting mad. Like this rapper had a whole like 40 years of possible prison time. And now he's going to get probation for ratting and everyone. To me, if I was going to go to jail, I'd like it.

It'd be like, yeah, maybe I'm like I can see where tattling is like, okay, I'm not going to go to jail now. but is it something different? Like, how can people take it so seriously? It's a culture thing and they were with no snitching is don't nobody really want to live under that. They think they do, but you actually don't. In those days are over.

That's when men were men, though. That's when the streets took care of itself and things would come around. I don't think that there's been, been an actual no snitching situation. Shoot, man, since before Kobe Brian. Like Kobe Brian snitched on Shaq. Al Sharpton was a fed.

Telling on people, it's all, man. I think everybody's snitch nowadays. Whitey Bolger was a snitch, right? Whitey Bolger was a huge snitch. Like, it was a huge snitch for years. Like for the face of man, I don't, that's something, I don't know, man. Here's what my take on it. I got two takes on this.

I was raised in the house that you were allowed to say none. My mother exposed me to everything at an early age. I knew what my mother did. I knew what the numbers were. I knew what drugs were. I was exposed in early age. Like, my first raid, I was five when they raided my mother's house on 89th Street. So at that age, my mother would already tell me in Spanish,

cajata la oka, no de yada. Shut your mouth. No, they got another. Shut your mouth. So I remember still being like eight and being on 205 West 88th Street and a beat cop came up to me and told me to scrub something off the floor.

And I told them, why would I scrub it off if I didn't do it? We got into like a very mild conversation and my stepfather had already married my mother and he would talk to me. And I remember him walking towards me and he looked at me in Spanish. She said, no one of the other. or not to people, you know, don't say nothing to them.

You know, so I was always raised to keep my fucking mouth shut. I came from a neighborhood where I played at my godmother's house, you couldn't be a snitch, and then when I moved to Jersey, you couldn't be a snitch. When you get arrested, the first thing you do is to keep your mouth shut. You don't know nothing. Now, I was in a situation where I was facing jail time. They came to me and asked me to make, make buys or whatever. Listen, I'd rather fucking stab myself in my heart.

I could never, ever, ever do that. Now, there's something else. Okay, if you're asking me about snitching, I'm not a snitch. I don't know nothing. I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. If you're involved, you do your time and you keep your mouth shut. It's not what people think. It's what you know.

Character is what fucking, you know, don't let my character ruin my destiny, and character is what you do when nobody else is around. Right. That's why you don't snitch. Now, if I'm a big volume drug dealer, if I make a half a million a year on Coke, a half a million a year on gambling,

a half a million a year on hot stuff, a half a million a year on construction, everybody is always trying to shoot you down. So, number one, for you to get ahead and to get up in that level, you have some dirty cops. I was a punk drug dealer, and I had dirty cops.

I had a cop that would give me all the guns he confiscated for Coke. So any hot gun, I'd tell him. Any hot gun, get 200 cash. I was just shipping them back east. I remember still this guy coming to my house at 2 in the morning on duty with his jaw, going from side to side, this eye spinning in his head and asking me for a gram of Coke. Now, when you're in that position there, when you're in the million-dollar game, okay, there's going to be times like Michael Dodd.

Michael Dodd told me a story one time I told him I was going to go on Bo Dito's podcast which I still owe an appearance on and he goes, don't say nothing to Bo that you know me because one time Bo and his crew were about to arrest somebody and we saw the paperwork and we went over there and robbed the guy's drugs

so when Bo got over there with the rest of the cops all the drugs were gone and Bo knew it was us okay when you're making a half a million dollars a year from drugs the last thing you need is Ali Saddique said and shop over at that funeral parlor especially if I'm right here I need Ali to get with his fucking friends

jumping up and down with rap music and fucking cars at night and we're trying to sell a million dollars here I got a cop in my pocket I'll tell him to go over and talk to Ali go bust Ali shut him down over there because he's making a racket towards my business that's part of business

okay that's not called to rap that's not that's part of business that's part of business Ali's got a sister and I went to a club one night and I called her a fucking cunt or whatever Ali knows me Ali knows me with friends he knows I'm a drug dealer

he don't want no problems with me whatever you know what he might just by mistake put an ounce of coke in my car and make me get pulled over that's not a rat that's part of doing street that's street business that's street business that's that's part of getting mixed up in the fucking game

if you're a drug dealer and you have any cloud or a numbers operator or anything, you have a cop on your payroll. You have a couple cops in their payroll, and they have ears, and they'll come to you and say, listen, we just busted this dude, Ali, and he's down there ratting. Like cops work like that too.

So I already know. So I'll call the king of the fucking brothers and go, hey, if you got something going on Ali, disconnect because he's in their rat. Now I just want myself a favor with the brothers. Right. Now I just want myself a favor with the brothers, because Ali's running with the brothers over on 88th Street.

Now I go over there and tell him, hey, Ali Radd. How do you know? Because he's in there singing the blues. Who's Copernicus? Me. How do you know who might? I tell you that fucking Ali is ratting on Copernicus. Now they owe me a solid.

Gotcha. So it's all on the street, it's all about solids. So is it more of, it's not that you're taradding, it's that you're dealing with the cops? Yes. You've made them a partner. And now they're your partner. you know

you want to become a drug dealer right they did this to my friends one time like they did this to Kurt and and Danny B okay they fucking went and they made it so you I come to you and I go Lee

I don't know anybody in Boston can you sell me Coke in Boston you're like yeah sure I'll make a phone call for you so I'll take 30,000 cash and when I get to Boston you'll call a drug dealer and say Joe Diaz is the the Ace Hotel Room 432 Go over and tell him

You got a kilo of Coke Just rob them They'll set you up that way So you use cops as a setup also Damn okay But for me to go into some place And them say to me Well you're looking at 20 years rat on somebody

They gave me an opportunity In 87 I could have rattled on the people from asking They came in and gave me the pictures All I had a time of them was three names And I was like for what What's the sense? I'm gonna know

I'm gonna fucking know I guess this is probably why I never would have made it as a criminal It's just it's a whole different world to me Like it's crazy to me that you would You spent years robbing drug dealers And taking all their money But you won't write them out Like there's just certain lines you don't cross I guess

And I guess it makes sense but it's like fuck Thank God I didn't get into that You have to watch you back and you got to know who you, the animal you're dealing with is, and you got to know what their ammunition is and who they got on the payroll, because you never know. You know, not every cop is a decent individual. There's some cops that are out there.

You read about it every week. Cops get DUIs, cop. They have faults to. Right, yeah. Their sinners also, they have faults also. So they get hooked on coke, being on a job. Well, don't police have, like, a place, like they call it, like, the ranch or something?

It's like a rehab of their undercover cops? What they do is, yeah, they have, they've always had one of those where you fucking go to, one thing you get picked up on a conspiracy, right? Right. And here's Ali hanging out with Joe Dears

for two fucking years. Every bump Ali does, Joe Dears does a bump with him. Every fucking bump. Because I don't know about you. You know, only a Miami Vice did you sell a kilo to a motherfucker and never seen them do a bump.

in front of you. That's only in Miami Vice and the motherfucker comes with a blue tube and test the Coke and shakes it and looks to see if the coke is yellow. Everybody I did business with how to put a fucking fingernail in there and do two lines in front of me. I got to see you do those two lines. We're not talking. But when I got locked up, when I first got locked up, I got locked up in a Fed place. And there were motherfuckers and there was a dude in there that I became friends with that told me right up that he caught a conspiracy case. and that for fucking three years he goes listen

every time I shot this guy shot with me and he goes during the conspiracy case they separated us blah blah blah he goes I finally made bail after a month and a half and at the trial the guy walked in he goes I couldn't believe it

he goes my jaw dropped he goes this guy I had done fucking never shooting coke he goes for every time I shot this motherfucker shot in his vein there's no way they're going to gain your trust unless they're there with you snorting I know a guy when I was at the car wash the undercover cops would get their car wash there so I got to see what all the cars look like and they were all repoed cars like when they arrested Ali and Ali's got

coke in a car if he's over a state jurisdiction they're allowed to take the car so they'll take the car from Texas and bring it up to Colorado and give it to the undercover unit's there and the cars in Colorado will ship to Houston. So the Houston drug dealers won't know him there. It's very slick. It's very slick. A guy that's a cop in North Hollywood and becomes an undercover cop in North Hollywood

doesn't do arrest in North Hollywood. He goes to Redondo Beach because nobody knows him. Right. So as a criminal, do you ever trust any other criminal? Like to me, it seems like you can't. Yes. I trust criminals more than I trust these fucking people that tell you how nice they are and how

because with a criminal I know where I stand even though they have undercover cops I know where I stand with a criminal I know when a guy goes bad I know so I stay the fuck away from but I have more luck with criminals than I do I'm not pointing out of Lee

I'm just pointing at the air saying I have I've always done better because I know where they stand I know what to look for he's a fucking stick-up guy now you deal with You know who hurts my feelings more? Regular people. When a criminal does something to me, my feelings don't get hurt because I knew that he was a criminal.

Okay. When some idiot promoter tries to, when I call him and tell him, I want to do 10 minutes, and he puts my picture up and tries to make money off me. That's a fucking cut move right there. That's a guy that doesn't know I was a criminal for 20 fucking years. So there's people that are sneaky people.

They piss me to fuck off more than criminals. because when a criminal burns me I know where I stood I dealt with a criminal that's what you get right you know when you fucking it's like Don King

Don King was a criminal but you know where you stood you knew when you hugged Don King he was gonna fucking rape you in the ass eventually somewhere when you hug Don King if you're making 10 million you better know Don King's getting

a million of that somewhere somewhere Don King's getting a million out of the ticket sales the added charges somewhere Don King ain't there smiling but when you hugged him and you got in bed with him, you knew where you stood. There's people that you do that with,

then they stab you and you go, Jesus Christ, those are the people that really fucking piss me off. If Don King came to me right now and he said, I want to promote your new CD, and he made the numbers sound right, I would do it with Don King. Because I know he's going to rob me, but he's going to get the CD out,

and I'm going to make a half million dollars with him. Because he's a fucking thief. He knows how to go in there, shake motherfuckers down. He'll go down. me, but put the album in here. I'll stab you in the fucking neck. He'll open doors to me that nobody else could open. Do you understand me? So you give him his take

and that's it. He made Mike Tyson a fucking gazillionaire. Okay. So, but, it's, it's, it's the motherfucker that come to us. How many people come to us and they have a fucking hidden agenda? Everybody's got a hidden agenda, especially in this fucking town.

I had a guy go off on me online six months ago because he wanted a career. He wanted to help with his career and I wouldn't give it to him. So he went off online about where is that guy today? He ain't doing comedy because he was looking for his handout. I see them coming before they get here. Because I know what it is to love comedy.

I know what it is to be a criminal. I know what it is to really love comedy. So when you're just, you know, acting around like a spaz, you know, insane and spitting shit out, I know you're not putting the work in. We know when you're putting the fucking work in. Where is he today? Gone. Right.

Gone. Because he was looking for a fucking handout. But he made me seem like the bad guy. I'm not the bad guy. I help all my fucking colleagues. I try to help you as much help as you deserve. Just because you stroll into town, you know. Yeah.

You know, I want to be your friend that don't work that way. It's the same way. Exactly. Like, this is people who love it. Like, like me, I'm dying asleep right now. So I'm probably going to jet. So I can do my job tonight. Time is our show tonight.

Man, 8 o'clock. I'm glad you told me. Eight o'clock. What date you got coming up, Ali? This weekend, I am actually in D.C. at the D.C. Improv. I'm recording my album. That's one of the best places in the world are recording now. We're recording now.

Yeah, 800-pound gorilla. Yeah, yeah. That's a great fucking place. That's a great place to shoot now. So I'm coming to Houston, though. I heard. March 7th. I heard.

March 7th to the night hopefully I'm around where you um Thursday Friday Saturday it's gonna be bananas I can't wait I can't wait it's been a long time since you yeah yeah two years I try to space it out yeah I try to hit Austin one year I didn't like the dude in Houston I already ain't there no more who we do the little dude the little perverted dude the manager I don't know what his fucking man was one that they signed the fucking thing to get him out of there because he was a creepy motherfucker I know you talk but Houston's me you know I love that fucking place all my life.

Bryce to gain some weight down there, dog. I don't know how you stay so skinny and good looking. I don't eat none of that shit. They be serving because I want to. It smells so good. You know how much they want for gumbo in here at the barbecue joint? $1,000.

$21 for a fucking bowl. What is it in Houston? Tell them, no. Probably $8. $8. $21 for a ball of fucking gumbo. I'm going to be in Vegas this Friday with Kate Quigley.

and Saturday, Tucson, Arizona with my man Kent Vela at the Fox Theater. Ali, I want to thank you for coming on. I'm sorry that you're tired and whatever, but it's always a pleasure to see you. Now, this is totally my fault. You're still Public Enemy number one.

I still love you to death. This is totally my fault. And you can come on whatever the fuck you want, whenever you're in town, my brother. I'm trying to get the complete, the ultimate trifecta. Do Ari, Birx, yours, Joe's and

Tom's the girl and I think I'll be good on all the podcast. Are you doing any other podcast this week? Just you just you man. You don't want to do all you not doing our reason or nothing like that? Just you just you. Because Bert's in town too. Bert will be that tonight. I would talk for him tonight. You know, I'm

happy to be that tonight. That's me too. I'm happy to see how this whole this is not happening team under the new storytelling, unnamed storyteller show. A name talk. Lee will be down there doing the open mic. Oh, for sure. But his dad, his dad's probably sleeping, we gave him a sleeping pill.

Give him a bong hit of sleeping pill. He's just hanging out. He's done. He's done. He's done. He gave my dad an edible. He gives my dad an edible every time, and it gets,

he just, he's in outer space. He got to carry him out of oxenade last time. 65 motherfucking years old. He would have done the assent, too, today. I got some acid. He was all over. He was excited. He was excited.

All he said, Dick, great to see you. Thank you very much. coming on the show. Man, don't forget you, motherfuckers. I'll see you this weekend.

Tucson, Las Vegas, Friday night. Viva. I love you guys. I want to thank Ali. I want to thank the

Christkiller. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for always supporting the podcast and listening. But I've got to talk to you about something, all right?

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Have a great weekend All right Lee kick this fucking mule The first floor Turn the key Slowly I'm off the door reads into a saxophone and through the walls you hear the city growl outside it's america